WHAT ARE YOUR

PARENTING "TOOLS"
Successful parenting requires you to have many "tools" in your parenting "toolbox"

and here I will discuss 3 BIG ones. These aren't your only tools, but they're essential:

Validating Emotions
Setting Boundaries
Encouraging Coping Skills

VALIDATING EMOTIONS:
Validation is one of the best forms of emotional support you can offer your child

(or anyone).

Validating your child's feelings IS NOT:

Trying to change, fix or undo how they feel.

Minimizing how they feel.

Validating your child's feelings IS:

Naming and acknowledging your child's feelings.

Reflecting back to them how they feel (almost as if you were a mirror).

Normalizing that it's ok to feel emotions.

Let's look at EXAMPLES!

"Hmm... ok, I hear you..."

(Instead of..."Why would you say that!?")

"What I'm hearing is that you were feeling really disappointed."

(Instead of..."Oh, don't be disappointed! It's not a big deal.")

"Yeah, that does sound hard... I get that..."

(Instead of..."Don't worry! I'll take care of it and fix this.")

"I understand..."

@dr.siggie www.drsiggie.com [email protected]

 WHAT ARE YOUR
PARENTING "TOOLS"
Here's one more example:

"Sounds like you're feeling really frustrated that you didn't get what you
wanted... I know what that feels like... it doesn't feel good."

Notice in these examples you're not trying to change how your child is feeling and

you're not asking a lot of questions. You ARE reflecting back to your child how

they feel in an effort to encourage emotional awareness and eventual emotional

ownership and regulation... big, big life skills :) You can and should start this early

with your young toddlers. I have tons of scripts & examples showing you how to

validate your toddler in my Toddler Course. You can check that out here :)

WHAT ELSE: Validation is not your only tool, but it's often the 1st tool you can use

when responding to your child's emotions. It's a way to connect and begin to calm

things down so that you can then start to employ your other tools.

You know that feeling when YOU are having a hard time and you vent or confide

in someone and then feel really heard and seen by them... feels so good, right?

You begin to let your guard down, feel a little more relaxed and become more

open to communication and input... that's the power of validation.

THIS IS IMPORTANT: Validating your child's feelings does not mean you agree

with how they feel... it just means you are RECOGNIZING how they feel. Your

child spilled their drink and they're now crying... you know this is "not a big deal"

based on your knowledge, perspective and life experience. Validating your child

in this scenario can sound something like: "Yeah, I see you're upset, sweetie."

Notice that you're acknowledging that THEY are upset because THEIR drink

spilled... you're validating your child's subjective experience, even if you don't

necessarily agree with it. (BTW -> More on coping skills later!)

@dr.siggie www.drsiggie.com [email protected]

 WHAT ARE YOUR
PARENTING "TOOLS"
DON'T FORGET: Parents, don't forget to validate YOUR OWN emotions as well.

Here's what that can sound like:

"Wow, this is challenging."

"I'm really having a hard time right now... I feel pulled in so many directions."

"This is tough... I also know I can do it."

"This feels like a lot...like it's all on me...I know that's not always true... but

that's how it feels right now."

YOU are the foundation. Don't forget to show yourself the same patience and

understanding you show your child.

SETTING BOUNDARIES
What is a boundary?
Put simply, a boundary is a parameter or guideline for your child's behavior.

Here's an incredibly important distinction -> You set boundaries to behaviors and

not to emotions. What exactly does that mean?

Behaviors are outward displays of emotions. Our internal and invisible emotions

that we feel inside cause our external, visible behaviors. If your child is feeling

mad (emotion) they may... hit or kick you (behavior). If your child is feeling

disappointed (emotion) they may scream loudly (behavior). In the same way, if

your child is feeling happy (emotion) they may jump around and laugh (behaviors).

You set boundaries to your child's behaviors (for example, kicking or

screaming) and NOT to the underlying emotion that is causing the behavior (for

example, feeling disappointed or angry).

Essentially, it's ok to feel mad... not ok to kick someone when you're mad.

@dr.siggie www.drsiggie.com [email protected]

 WHAT ARE YOUR
PARENTING "TOOLS"

More examples coming up, but here's what this can sound like:

"Whoa, you're angry... it's OK to feel angry, but you CANNOT kick me when
you're angry. What can you do when you're angry? You can..."

HEALTHY BOUNDARIES ARE:

Respectful: Boundaries are created and enforced for the emotional and

physical wellbeing of your child. Trust in yourself as a parent . You have

years of experience, insight and the ability to understand longterm

consequences and you use those abilities to mentor your child. Respecting

your child does not mean you accept all their behaviors OR they agree with all

your boundaries. Respecting your child means you respect the person your
child is, while correcting their behavior and holding your boundary, even
in the face of their protest.

Reasonable: Appropriate boundaries take into account your child's abilities,

age and developmental stage. For example, it's not reasonable to expect a

toddler to sit still for long periods of time... It's not reasonable to expect a

young child to never feel frustrated when you say no to something... It's not

reasonable to expect your tween to share every secret with you...

It's incredibly helpful to have a basic understanding of your child's

development and what's considered typical. This enables you to have a

balanced perspective and to create realistic boundaries your child will
be able to respond to.

@dr.siggie www.drsiggie.com [email protected]

 WHAT ARE YOUR
PARENTING "TOOLS"
HEALTHY BOUNDARIES ARE:
Consistent: I'm sure you hear this a lot -> Consistency is key... It's also the

hardest part of maintaining boundaries for many parents. Unfortunately,

there's no magic trick here and your consistency in holding boundaries truly is

important. Try your best . You don't have to be perfect, you really don't.

Still, you do need to try your best, even in the face of challenges.

More tips on consistency later in the section :)

Clear: What's the use a boundary that no one knows about or understands :)

Once you have decided what your boundaries are going to be, have a calm

conversation with your child/family about them. Communicate clearly and

directly using precise and detailed language.

"I've been thinking... you know how recently you have been... saying/
doing... and then I have been saying/doing... It hasn't really been working
for us and we're going to be trying something different.
From now on, when you... I will respond like this...
And I will remind you and we will keep practicing, together :)"

Not About You: I know it's hard, I really do... but don't add your own emotions

to an already emotional situation. Your boundary is not meant to punish or

make your child "feel bad" for what they have done. Your child is impulsive,

irrational, intense... you are not. Do your best to stay as calm as you can.

Boundaries should start in toddlerhood. Meaning, when your baby becomes a

toddler (around 14 months or so give or take) you can and should start to

implement gentle, reliable and consistent boundaries. I talk EXTENSIVELY about

this in my toddler course, detailing exactly what you can say. Check that out here.

@dr.siggie www.drsiggie.com [email protected]

 WHAT ARE YOUR
PARENTING "TOOLS"
EXAMPLES!!

"You are sounding really frustrated. You can feel frustrated but you
CANNOT talk to me like that when you're frustrated. Take a breath if you
need to and try again."

"When we leave the house you will hold my hand. You might want to let go
and run off, and I will not let that happen. You might cry... that's ok. We
will hold hands while we walk."

"TV is turning off in 5 minutes... letting you know you may whine, get
upset, not want to... that's ok, sweetie. TV will still be turned off."

"That was your last cookie. I have a feeling you're thinking if you keep
asking me I may change my mind... I won't sweetie. No more cookies."

"I know you want that toy... I hear you loud and clear. No, we're not getting
it. I'm sorry you're disappointed."

"Whoa, can't throw that truck. You are great at throwing! What can you
throw? A ball, that's right. No throwing the truck.

"Looks like we can't use this truck right now. That's ok, we can try again
later."

@dr.siggie www.drsiggie.com [email protected]

 WHAT ARE YOUR
PARENTING "TOOLS"
EXAMPLES!!

"NO hitting ME. You're angry... that's ok. You CANNOT hit me when you are
angry. You can tell me: I am SO ANGRY at you!
And I will say: Ok, I understand... But, you cannot hit me."

"Wow, you love splashing :) No splashing water outside the bathtub.

Where can you splash? Yes... inside the tub, that's right. Like this!
Cannot splash outside the tub."

Notice in all the examples, you're being very precise and direct. Statements like

"Don't do that!" or "Stop!" are too general. Instead, provide exact guidance in

your boundary for what behavior is not ok (and ideally an alternative for what IS

ok.)

A LITTLE MORE ABOUT CONSISTENCY: When I talk to parents about boundaries

one of the main sources of frustration I hear about comes from consistency... or

lack of consistency. It's very difficult to hold a boundary consistently all the time.

Here's a helpful tip -> Have a plan! During a calm moment (and not in the heat of

the moment) come up with your plan. Decide what boundaries are most important

for you to uphold, and decide how you want to respond to them. Memorize your

"script", your response, even your body language and phrasing. Having a thought

through plan eliminates the guesswork in the heat of the moment and, therefore,

really helps you respond consistently and calmly (and with much less guilt).

And if you're not 100% consistent every time... will all your hard work disappear?

No, it absolutely wont :) Try your best, believe in yourself and have patience for

your child and for yourself.

@dr.siggie www.drsiggie.com [email protected]

 WHAT ARE YOUR
PARENTING "TOOLS"
BE REALISTIC: Will you have to repeat your boundary more than once to your

child? Of course! Possibly over and over again? Yes.

Remind yourself as many times as you need that your child is learning, growing,

maturing, practicing their new skills, and most certainly... pushing back. That's

ok... that's actually what they're supposed to do.

FINAL NOTE ON BOUNDARIES: Your child doesn't have to agree with your

boundaries. In fact, they likely won't. You determine the boundaries because you

are the parent, you have knowledge and experience and you make decisions with

your child's best interest in mind. Meanwhile, your child decides how they want to

feel about your boundaries (angry/upset/frustrated) and that is totally ok. Expect

a protest, and still, calmly hold your boundary, trusting in yourself.

COPING SKILLS
An essential "tool" in your parenting "toolbox" is encouraging your child to

develop and trust in THEIR OWN natural ability to cope and manage for

themselves.

This can often feel very challenging for parents because it involves you not

jumping in to fix, solve, distract or take away your child's difficult emotions. That

means you have to be ok with your child "sitting" in their uncomfortable feelings

and managing through them... which, of course, can be hard for any parent.

Think about it this way: Your child cannot find their strength, build their resilience,

learn to solve their own problems if you don't give them the opportunity to try.

Yes, it may feel uncomfortable in the moment, but the lifelong skills they're

learning are worth it.

@dr.siggie www.drsiggie.com [email protected]

 WHAT ARE YOUR
PARENTING "TOOLS"
Ok, so if you're not fixing, then what are you doing...?

Let's look at some examples:

"I know sweetie, sometimes things don't work out how we want them to...
(pause...) What would you like to do now?"

"I hear you... What do you think you can do to help yourself feel a little bit
better? If you think I can help you, can you tell me what type of help you
need?"

"You're right... this is hard! Let's breathe... maybe take a break. Then you
can try again."

"Take your time to be upset. When you're ready, let me know what you
want to do next."

"Do you think you will feel upset for a short time or a long time?
It's up to you."

"I know this doesn't feel good... Do you have any ideas for how you can
help yourself feel a little better? I have some... and I'd love to hear yours."

What you're doing is allowing the space for your child to sit with their feelings and

begin to understand that their feelings are actually up TO THEM, and not to you.

THEY have the ultimate choice in how they feel and THEY have the power to

decide what they want to do about their feelings.

@dr.siggie www.drsiggie.com [email protected]

 WHAT ARE YOUR
PARENTING "TOOLS"
CAN YOU EVER OFFER SUGGESTIONS?
Yes, of course... :) Just recognize that it's helpful to first give your child the

opportunity to help themselves before you jump in and solve. Think that with a lot

of practice and trial and error, your ultimate goal is for your child to (eventually)

be able to manage, cope and contain their emotions on their own, without relying

on you.

I DON'T KNOW:
So, you ask your child what they want to do... or how they want to help

themselves and they say: "I don't know."

That's ok! It takes time to know what to do... and you can tell them that.

"That's ok, sweetie... take your time to think about it. It takes time to know
what to do... We can talk about it again soon."

And what if your child's idea is that you give them what they want... you solve their

problem for them... you give them what you already said you wouldn't...

"Hmm... That's one idea... sometimes we can do that. Not right now. I bet
you can think of another idea."

This takes time, patience and practice, no doubt about that. You can do it! And

you want to believe that you can.

@dr.siggie www.drsiggie.com [email protected]