Satire:

The Awful, Horrible, Wretched Truth About

Dentistry
Exposed
by
Kurt Ostergaard

Oh, what a tangled web we weave,

Warning: Sit down. Relax. Remove all tight fitting clothing. What you are about to read could
shock you. It could fill you with anger, panic, and hatred. It could throw you into a violent destructive rage
lasting days. Such are people's normal reactions to this information. The truth hurts, but ignorance brings more
pain. What follows is, simply, the greatest piece of investigative journalism of this century, nay–of all time.
This is the single most far reaching exposé you will ever read. It will change your life–immediately and forever.
D entistry has been called the second oldest profession in
civilization, only being superseded, of course, by
prostitution. (Technically, barbers claim to be members of the
could live as comfortably as they cared, practicing
now-dated dental techniques such as extraction, filling,
and root-canal work commanding top fees.
second oldest profession. But barbers then performed dentistry
An attractive prospect indeed to the sordid, twisted,
as one of a slew of sidelines–including clinical psychoanalysis,
sadistic minds that had chosen that field as a calling in
play-by-play and color commentary, and bookmaking, while
the first place, isn't it? Of the few dentists who pleaded
not excluding pimping.) However, dentistry as we know it is a
that the findings be made public, and independently
sham, a fraud's game totally devoid of any basis in biological
verified sources indicate that there were at least four,
science. Until now, we, as dentist's patients, were nothing more
three plunged to their deaths in freak elevator accidents,
than pawns in their manipulative game of torture and pain.
while the fourth disappeared without a trace leaving
In a cramped New Haven laboratory in 1948, a small team of behind a wife and nine children. It became clear from the
dedicated Yale dentists performed a battery of experiments with outset that these crazed, desperate men (and an
fluoridated water on certain oral diseases. These selflessly occasional deranged woman) would stop at nothing, not
devoted pioneers stumbled upon one of the greatest discoveries even murder, in their execrable quest to cloak their tracks
of mankind. That small team of researchers discovered the cure with deception and preserve their insulated yet insincere
of every single oral disorder ever known to man. They lifestyle.
discovered that not only do trace amounts of fluoride in the
The legislative debates concerning the "Communist Plot
water supply arrest tooth decay but marginally stronger
Theory of Water Fluoridation" were, in fact, well
solutions (approximately triple the concentration of fluoride in
disguised lobbying efforts by dentists specifically
the nations water supply today) regenerate mouths. Reversing
directed at keeping the level of fluoridation below the
the tragedy of tooth decay, mouths blossom into ideal,
regenerative threshold. They succeeded. The current
picture-perfect smiles, maintenance-free for life, replacing lost,
level does, nevertheless, substantially lessen their
chipped, and broken teeth in a matter of days–absolutely
previous base workload, enabling dentists to manage
painlessly. Imagine, all your teeth could be blown out with
their work-load with ease.
explosives Monday and Friday you could eat caramel covered
beef jerky with a full set of your own all-natural choppers after The truth of oral hygiene has been a better kept secret
only drinking an elixir indistinguishable from ordinary tap than that of the atomic bomb with all of the
water. Unbelievable? Yes. Unreal? A resounding no. non-proliferation treaties. The lack of attention drawn by
these sweepingly massive behavioral alterations can only
These findings shocked the collective dental community beyond
be attributed to the ruthless cunning, meticulous
belief. But what followed was the most massive cover-up in the
planning, and evil efficacy of these depraved individuals.
history of lying. They did not disclose these findings for public
In fact, the findings never made it to Europe; what good
consumption for one reason: it spelled the end of their careers.
would it do, they've all socialized their medical care
Not only was the end of all oral disorders within sight, but so
anyway. The only other countries to practice dental
was the end of a highly profitable, not particularly demanding
medicine like America are certain island nations in the
professional career: that of the dentist.
Caribbean and Pacific–clearly for their resort potential.
Now these men were not dumb, they'd gone to school for 22
What followed were major changes in the training and
years, or more, sometimes many more. They realized that their
practice of dentists throughout America and certain parts
training would be useless in a society free from oral maladies.
of the world. First, in this web of fear, treachery, and
They looked around and saw unicorn trainers starving right
deceit the entire curriculum for dental students was
along side talented artists and honest politicians. It was clear
thrown out the window of fate onto the scatological
that society had no use for the services of those now dated
formation of outdated theories: the same collection that
professions, and dentists could be next. However, if they acted
holds that the Earth is flat, new Coke tastes good, and the
as if nothing had happened they could have their cake and eat it
Cubs will win another World Series. Realistically,
too. Personally, they could maintain their family's oral hygiene
medical doctors take four years to go through medical
through the addition of minute amounts of fluoride to their
school, why do dentists take the same time to study a
diets. They wouldn't even need to brush their teeth (another
mere fraction of the body? The answer to this and other
scam to be explained in full detail later). At the same time they
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puzzling questions lies in the new curriculum. The new Works wonders doesn't it?
curriculum, based heavily on investment theory and real estate
But the equipment is only a tool for subtle yet maximum
speculation with a few key distribution requirements, bares little
intimidation. The psychological basis for this is simple
resemblance to the previous, arduous course load emphasizing
but orchestrated to perfection in every dentist office
oral anatomy.
across the land. The patient sits in the waiting room for
Likewise, the applicant pool has altered consistent with these roughly half an hour depending on his apparent anxiety
trends. Those admitted pass through a screening process far level–the less anxious the longer the wait. The waiting
more scrutinizing than that for medical school, furthermore, the room is purposefully filled with old magazines in order
only screening process to rival that for dentists is that employed to bore the patient, never to inform or interest him or her.
by the CIA. Admissions boards draw up psychiatric profiles for Then a totally bored patient, or in the case of someone
each prospective dentist. Any hint of a trace of a shadow of a who is actually interested in the six-month old
whiff of a sniff of an indication that he might crack is reason Highlights, Newsweeks, and People magazines, a
enough to jettison the application out said fatal window. somewhat bored patient is taken into "the room" and put
into "the chair". The patient sits alone in a small room
This is, as of now, the primary criterion for application
with a machine that is much larger than he. In a world
evaluation, the ability to live a lie. Once in, however, they're in
where advances in technology are shrinking almost every
for life, with the consequences amounting to resort
electronic or mechanical device why is dental equipment
condominiums, tax deductible junkets to any and all
still so large? The drill doesn't have to be that big, but a
wonderlands, the security of professional employment, security
small drill just wouldn't be as intimidating now would it?
to provide for their families, low stress lifestyles, and six figure
With no external stimulus the patient wonders what will
incomes. The only alternative is an untimely death.
happen this visit, and remembers how Mr. drill felt last
Occasionally, even after the strictest of initial screening
time.
processes, a stray dentist makes a value judgment that what he
is doing is wrong and compelling guilt forces lead him to the If at this time the patient is not displaying any signs of
conclusion that he must tell the truth to the world. In other bad nerves the dental assistant appears and takes the
words: he cracks. These renegades are weeded out through the patient to a room with an even bigger machine: the x-ray
continuous screening process. This accounts for dentists' machine. The patient is reassured, "This won't hurt a bit."
unusually high rate of apparent suicide. Death? Yes. Suicide? But if it doesn't hurt why does the assistant leave the
Not quite--continuous screening process. It's a rough life room for the x-rays? Easy, the procedure plays one of the
protecting the greatest secret on earth. most pervasive fears in western culture, the fear of
contracting cancer, in this case via the x-ray machine.
The previous curriculum, which had taken years to teach, and
The anxiety is reinforced with hollow reassurances not to
even then only taught to the chosen few who showed an
worry as the assistant takes cover behind a lead shield. In
incredible aptitude for it, was condensed into a one semester
reality, it's just a big box that hums; x-ray machines are
survey course covering the history of all oral medicine from
dangerously complex instruments costing tens of
diagnosis to reconstructive surgery. Other distribution
thousands of dollars, big humming boxes go for a couple
requirements include courses in milking insurance companies,
hundred. Furthermore, no one can really tell their own
as well as professional appearance and manner. The former
teeth from Adam's on an x-ray. If the x-ray really
directs the future dentists in controlling their relations with their
showed your teeth why can't you keep it?
largest source of income for the rest of their natural lives. The
latter instructs the soon-to-be mouth butchers in how to buy The events leading up to and including the x-ray are
large, intimidating equipment and handle it with the skillfully carefully memorized by young dental students in order to
dexterous appearance of years of training. give the convincing appearance that something is
actually going on in your mouth. The x-ray alone is a
An explanation of the use of the equipment and the sequence of
masterpiece and provides the culmination to the
a visit will show the strict scripting involved. The equipment
mind-controlling sequence preparing the patient for
does indeed serve a function. Its primary objective is to scare
meeting the dentist. The result is that almost all patients
the living B'Jesus out of the patient and set his mind on getting
no longer question the dentist's actions but acquiesce in
the hell out of there. It is specifically designed to arouse fear.
abject submission.
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Of course one should not confront his dentist with this manipulating the supplies of decay promoting tooth
information. He would vehemently deny it before "suddenly pastes and brushes. Wherever stores display toothpaste
discovering" some advanced form of disease requiring and tooth brushes heavily promoted or deeply discounted
emergency extraction. Dentist's lore on "sudden discoveries" dentists are increasing the demand for their services.
stretches the limits of the imagination. One particularly morbid (The merchandise on sale actually eats teeth away much
Miami dentist once extracted all of a patient's molars and faster than the same brands that are not on sale.) Thus
bicuspids and the incisors of both of the patient's daughters, all dentists choose where they want to work and then drum
under the guise of the "sudden discovery," after the patient up business accordingly. It is a fairly involved process,
merely asked a revealing question. apparently putting the cart before the horse. However
dentists don't advertise and this has achieved near
With all the preparation and formalities out of the way the main
perfection over years of modification.
attraction is the sure-fire, fear-inspiring instrument, the drill.
This is not to say that the drill is simply used only to instill fear. In the late 1960's the dental community tried an
Dentists often use the drill on thoroughly terrified patients in experiment of promoting tooth decay through diet
order to get some sort of sadistic pleasure, so acting scared in control, but gave it up after years of imprecision. Sugar
"the chair" won't help you avoid the drill. If your number's up, does not in fact promote tooth decay, far from it, it
and literally some dentists use dice in deciding whether to drill strengthens the enamel. But by manipulating public
or not, Dr. J. R. goes looking for oil among your pearly whites. attitudes dentists created the illusion that sweets are bad
for you. One of the supreme ironies is that daily brushing
On the other hand, a recent study of case histories has disclosed
and flossing effectively negate the benefits of eating
some ugly trends. Never go to the dentist right before tax time,
refined sugar and not the other way around. It is only a
unless you enjoy root canals. Try to avoid dentists who are
testimony to dentists' skill at manipulating public opinion
divorced from wives with contingency-fee lawyers, or dentists
that so few people would try this simple experiment.
with many children approaching college age. And finally, if
Prove it for yourself. Eat a king size Snickers every time
your dentist has a large mortgage, it is masochistic to schedule
you would normally brush your teeth for six months and
an appointment right before the first of the month.
see if your teeth don't feel better for it.
Now for the business of oral hygiene, or rather the fallacy
Let this model be an example for the world. After all, is
thereof. Brushing your teeth does nothing to prevent tooth
it any wonder why American dentists make more than
decay. Flossing either. Brushing is a remarkable achievement of
any other profession in the world? It's effective
behavior modification designed to implant subliminal messages
management. The only answer to tooth decay is to have
in your brain when you are most amazingly susceptible to them,
your tooth paste and brush sent from some place like
right before sleep. The message is to go see your dentist. Think
Alaska or New Jersey where dental products actually
about it, every night right before bed, you brush your teeth, and
reduce tooth decay, because no dentist wants to practice
go to bed with that funny taste in your mouth. Toothpaste
there. And if this should fail you, as even this might,
doesn't need to taste that way, it does for a reason, as a subtle
whatever you do, don't go see a dentist.
reminder. Furthermore, the fluoride in toothpaste is not the
active decay fighting formula but a slight variation that actually
corrodes teeth. Ever wonder why people who seem to take the
best care of their teeth buy their dentist a Porsche, while people
who utterly neglect all oral hygiene never need a filling? The
fluoride in toothpaste counters the fluoride in the water.
In efforts to regionally regulate business dentists meet on the
local level every two months, regionally every six, and
nationally annually forming a cartel that would put OPEC's
glory days to shame. Agendas don't cover such mundane topics
as fee schedules, but rather they reflect the groups' efforts to
manage the supply and demand for dental care regionally. The
regional level of dentist demand is effectively controlled by