The Fantastical Adventures and Hijinx of Dr.

Gandhi Short, and his Various Associates The setup is simple: A large desk with a few stray papers and writing implements, a chair at the desk, a door to one side, and another chair to the other side of the door. There could also be various pieces of flair such as a wall calendar or coat rack, but such things are not crucial to the piece. A thoroughly average looking young man of short stature enters the office. This man is THE DOCTOR, and he exudes diligence and certainty from every orifice. He also wears grubby business clothes and a hideous tie. He strides to his desk with a hurried professional grace. Doctor: Hmmm. THE DOCTOR eyes his surroundings suspiciously. Doctor: UNCLE! UNCLE SHVINKLEDORF pops out from under the desk, his rabid eyes gleaming with alertness. He speaks in a low, conspiratory, semi-monotone Eastern European accent. Uncle S: Yes, Doctor. Doctor: Uncle Shvinkledorf, the warm, comforting under-crevice of my desk may be both a cozy and legally acceptable place to rest, but unless youre doing paperwork down there, I want you in your seat! UNCLE S nods sharply. Uncle S: I am to be manufacturing to you my most sincere apologies, Dr. Short. I was merely cataloguing my fungus collecting. Doctor: Im sorry? Uncle S: Yes, Doctor. It has grown quite prestigious. I now have them organized by color, smell, and level of sentience. Doctor: I see. Back to work then, Uncle.

UNCLE S nods sharply once more as THE DOCTOR gestures to the seat on the other side of the door. UNCLE S shuffles sneakily and swiftly to his post, while THE DOCTOR places his coat on the back of his chair. He sits at his desk. Doctor: Uncle Shvinkledorf! What have I missed in my absence? Uncle S: Two messages for you, Doctor. Doctor: Excellent! Such as? Uncle S: I am unsure. I pawned the office phone for this sandwich. UNCLE S pulls out a sandwich, and tosses it over the door. THE DOCTOR takes a bite, and nods in approval. Doctor (thoughtfully): Really ought to get a ceiling put in. Anything else? Uncle S: Yes, Doctor. Professor Shabenhuben came in to complain about the amount of time youve been taking on his case. Doctor: Ah yes, the junkie, an unfortunate soul. How has he been doing? Uncle S: Poorly. I am told the police recently apprehended him in Sacramento for trying to hold up a vending machine. THE DOCTOR shrugs and takes another bite of the sandwich.. Doctor: Hmm, thats the third client this hour. This doesnt bode well for us, Uncle. It isnt easy being the Doctor of Midgetry in a town like this one. Plus, I hear some other Doctor is trying to move in on my business. The doctor of obesity, was it? What type of sandwich did you say this was, Uncle Shvinkledorf? Uncle S: Meat. Doctor: Ah.

Suddenly, an attractive young woman walks onto the stage, on UNCLE S side of the door. She is dressed from head to toe in some sort of elegant furred garment, and is practically smothered in makeup. Her name is KRYSTALL. Krystall: Excuse me, is this the office of Dr. Short? A sudden change comes over UNCLE S. His posture straightens, and his expression becomes one of light and airy jubilance. He is now UNCLE GARBONZO, and his accent is a vibrant Latino. He speaks in a flamboyant, high pitched tone, and waves his hands around the air as he speaks as though to paint some unseen abstract piece. Uncle G: Why hello there, sweet cheeks! Yes, it is! How many ways can I be helping you today!? Krystall: I was wondering if he could see me now. Its quite urgent, and I can pay in cash or illicit sexual favors. Uncle G: Anything for you, baby! UNCLE G stands up and faces the door. Uncle G (Ear-Splitting): SUUUUUUUUUUGARPLUMB!!!!!!!! THE DOCTOR covers his ears, convulsing in agony, and sighs after UNCLE G is finished. Doctor: Yes Uncle Garbanzo Uncle G: VISITOR FOR YOU! Doctor: Thank you, Uncle Garbanzo. KRYSTALL walks hesitantly through the door, her furred garment flowing as she walks. As soon as THE DOCTOR sees her enter, a look of panic explodes across his face. He leaps from the desk and bolts behind it, as KRYSTALL slowly follows him. Doctor:

UNCLE! Code Mauve, Code Mauve!!! A Yeti has penetrated our defenses! Prepare the Anti Yet Missiles!!! Uncle G: Im afraid that ones a no-no, sweet cheeks! You pawned those babies three weeks ago for that vibrating tie, remember? THE DOCTOR looks down as his tie vibrates and ponders this. Doctor: Ah yes. He remembers that KRYSTALL is still there, and dives back into his state of panic. Doctor: Stay back, yeti! Back! There are no succulent rodents here for you to feast upon! Krystall: Doctor! Wait! She takes off the furred garment, and THE DOCTOR calms down considerably. Doctor: By the twelve Jesii, woman! Do you want me to have a heart attack!? Uncle Garbanzo, cancel the Mauve Alert! Uncle G: Okey dokey! Krystall: I didnt meant to alarm you, Dr. Short. The truth is, I need your help. THE DOCTOR straightens himself out, and sits at his desk. Doctor: I do apologize. My yetiphobia does tend to get the better of me. Krystall: Its fine Although that is a bit of an odd phobia. Doctor: Lady, you should see my fetishes! Anyway, what is it you want from me? Krystall: Please, allow me to explain. My name is Krystall Souffl, with two ls.

Doctor: What an Exotic name. Krystall (ever so delicately): If by exotic you mean retarded, then yes. My parents were incurably addicted to pop rocks, and I had the misfortune to be born during one of their little binges, and was cursed with the name of a translucent stone. And to add insult to injury, they spelled it wrong! Doctor: I didnt know pop rocks could have that effect on people. Krystall: It depends how you take them. Or, more specifically, where you take them. But thats not important. Whats important is that I was brought into this world naked, hungry, and unable to fend for myself, but I soon overcame these obstacles. I vowed to rise above the mistakes of my narcotic-addled parents! And so, many years later, I knew what I had to do. I decidedOver the course of this line, UNCLE GARBANZO has been changing. His posture goes from airy to broom-up-ass, and he acquires a sort of suave grace as opposed to UNCLE Gs ecstatic flamboyance. UNCLE GARBANZO transforms into UNCLE MCSMITHJONESINGTON, who speaks in a low, sominous, soothing American voice, a bit like hes doing the voiceover for a prescription drug ad or a political campaign advertisement. He opens the door and walks into the office, interrupting them. He has a constant, winning smile. Uncle M: I sure do hope Im not interrupting anything. Doctor: Certainly not, Uncle McSmithJonesington. Uncle M: Can I get anybody anything? Krystall: Ill have a raspberry-banana ice smoothie with a hint of scotch and a moderately sized lemon, floating in a saucer constructed of precious metals and larks bone. Doctor: Water. Uncle M: Fantastic! Thatll be 11.95!

THE DOCTOR sighs and forks over the money. UNCLE M strides out confidently, cash in hand. Krystall: Multiple personality disorder A tragic condition. THE DOCTOR shrugs. Doctor: Not really. I saved a lot on hiring a secretary. Plus, if I get lucky, he thinks hes a motorcycle. Hours of fun for all! Awkward silence. Krystall: I Uh Feel for you. Doctor: You dont need to do that. Anyway, what were you saying? Krystall: Oh yes. I knew I needed to achieve fame and fortune, but how? How could I possibly overcome my past? I knew there was only one way to get what I wanted And so, I decided to raise an obese child! Doctor: What? Krystall: Not just obese, mind you. Im talking morbidly obese. I even named him Fatso for encouragement. I knew that if I could parade my corpulent boy around the country as though he were some kind of prized hog, I would never have to work again! And so I did. To this day, Fatso has been in twelve circuses, appeared on three daytime talk shows, and pulled several space shuttles out of gravitational alignment. Doctor: That must be quite hard on him. Krystall: Oh, hes fine with it. He just assumes hes anorexic because every time he looks in the mirror, he sees a fat person. Doctor: I see Krystall:

Im glad to hear that. But recently, tragedy struck. Fatso had always wanted to see a manatee, so I figured I would oblige him and take him to one of their manatee conventions. But as soon as we got there, the manatees thought he was family! He tried to run, but Oh Doctor She sniffles. Doctor: There there. Call me James. UNCLE M walks in, a cup in one hand an a saucer in the other. Uncle M: Did I mention that you can get these drinks with an added surprise for just an extra 3.49? Krystall: Surprise? THE DOCTOR considers this. Doctor: Very well. He hands over some change. Uncle M: Super! UNCLE M puts the drinks down on THE DOCTORS desk, removes a series of objects from his pocket, in this order: One half eaten chocolate bar, one rubber duck, one baseball, one copy of Seventeen magazine, one shoe, a tampon, and finally, a can of tuna. Uncle M: Found it! He takes everything but the can of tuna and strides confidently offstage. Doctor: Hmm. I suppose this is somewhat surprising. Krystall: I suppose... The manatees found out that Fatso was not some long-lost cousin, as they expected, and they became furious! They had already formed a strong bond with my son, and the discovery caused a lot of emotional distress. Now, they wont let him leave! The

manatees are demanding several gajillion dollars for his safe return, or alternatively a layz-boy chair. And Im not about to haul one of those to the ocean! Doctor: It sounds like your son is in a pickle A SALTY pickle. Krystall: They said you were the cheapest in town. Can you help me, Doctor? He pats her shoulder. Doctor: Call me Stefan. There is a loud crashing noise. UNCLE SHVINKLEDORF rushes in. Uncle S: Sir! A brick has been thrown through our window! Doctor: By the gourd of Rasputin! We have a window!?!? Uncle S: Not anymore, we dont! There was a message attached to the brick! I read now! He pulls out a scrap of paper and begins making a series of horrendous manatee noises. KRYSTALL covers her ears. Doctor: Hes being held at Salty Beach! And if they dont get their compensation soon, theyll kill him! Krystall: Salty Beach!? How can you understand that, anyway? THE DOCTOR shrugs. Doctor: I took Intro to Manatee while I was working on my doctorate in college. What can I say, it was an easy credit. Krystall: What exactly IS your doctorate in, anyway? Doctor:

Midgetry. Anyway, it would seem that your obese offspring is currently about as screwed as a gopher burrowing through a minefield, but I think I know a way out of this scrape. Uncle! Uncle S: How can I service you, Doctor? Doctor: Go out and get me a phone! Pawn something for it if you have to! UNCLE S nods rapidly, looks around for something to pawn, shrugs, and drags the door offstage with some difficulty. Doctor: Krystall, I too know what its like to lose a loved one. I once had a family, and a home, and 2.5 children, and a cute little toaster-cum-microwave to go with it all. But that all changed All of it. 100%. None of it was left unchanged. At all. Krystall: What happened? Doctor: I pawned them for the door. But I swear on my arteries that I will retrieve your son! Krystall: Oh, thank you Doctor! Doctor: Call me Mathilda! UNCLE GARBANZO rushes in holding a battered-looking telephone. Uncle G: Hey, sexy beautifuls! You kids have fun with this! He puts the phone on the desk, and heads back to his chair, where he begins swiveling around like a child. THE DOCTOR takes no notice of this, and plugs the phone into some unseen outlet under the desk. It promptly rings, and he picks it up. KRYSTALL listens intently to the conversation. Doctor: Hello? Yes, this is he. No! Yes. Yes. Maybe. Well, it depends on the circumstances No, no I havent. Neither has she. Hang on. He looks down at himself.

Doctor: A classy, form fitting suit jacket and an attractive silk tie. Yes, and some cologne Ooo how about you? Krystall (confused): DoctorDoctor: OK, got it! He hangs up abruptly. Krystall: Who was it? Doctor: Wrong number. It rings again. He picks up. Doctor: Hello? Yes, OK. He hangs up. Doctor: That was the manatee convention. Ms. Souffl, I dont mean to alarm you, but if you dont get either a gajillion dollars or a comfy chair to Salty Beach in ten minutes, your sons going to be farther gone than my virginity! Krystall: Oh no! Doctor: Oh yes! UNCLE!!! UNCLE G has transformed into UNCLE S, and he gets up from the chair. Uncle S: Yes, Doctor of Midgetry. Doctor: Uncle Shvinkledorf, I need you to infiltrate the manatee convention at Salty Beach, and bring back all the data you can. This will be the challenge of your acting career, but I believe in you!

A change comes over UNCLE S. He is still UNCLE S, but his face goes blank and his posture straightens. Uncle S: I Am a manatee. All day long. I love to do manatee things. Being a manatee is my favorite thing to do! Doctor: By the chins of ODonnell, hes got it! UNCLE S rushes out. Krystall: What are we going to do, Doctor? Doctor: The hell if I know. But if were lucky, Uncle Shvinkledorf will confuse them long enough to buy us some time! He shouldnt be gone too long, though Thats what I like about America, youre never more than thirty seven hours away from the beach. But anyway, lets think. What is it that manatees want, aside from money and chairs? Krystall: Well Theyre pretty fat. The probably eat a lot. Food, maybe? Doctor: Hmm He looks around. There is a loud crashing noise. UNCLE M rushes in, carrying a brick and a scrap of paper. Uncle M: Hey, guys! Just figured you should know that my disguise failed miserably, and the manatees are quite angry! They sent us another note! THE DOCTOR grabs the note and makes some hideous manatee noises. Doctor: Oh God Theyre coming in! There is a final loud crashing noise, and in lumbers THE KING OF THE MANATEES. He is large, speaks and moves slowly, and wears a bright pink tutu or some other completely inappropriate costume. He wears a crown or tiara of some sort, perhaps one of those cardboard hats from burger King. King: Behold! It is I, the King of the Manatees, come to claim what is mine! YOU!

THE DOCTOR is defensive, UNCLE M is happy, and KRYSTALL looks quite nervous. THE KING stomps forward. King: Krystall I have held up my end of the bargain! Now it is time for you to hold up yours! Doctor: Bargain? Krystall: Mine? Uncle M: Of? Krystall (extremely nervous): Uh, Mr. Manatee I have no idea what youre talking about! King: Liar! Slanderer! Woman who says things that arent true! I did what you told me, I pretended that my convention had kidnapped your son. Now where is my chair?! Krystall: Uh... THE DOCTOR suddenly seems to catch on. Doctor: Obese son Yeti costume The makeup Of course! I knew I recognized you before! Madame, you are no Krystall Souffl! You are Krystall von Crumpet, mother of Fatso von Crumpet, my arch nemesis! THE DOCTOR OF OBESITY!!! THE KING and KRYSTALL both react vocally, while UNCLE honks a small horn he has removed from his pocket. KRYSTALL rushes away from them. Krystall: Curses and drat! Damn you, Doctor They said you were good, but I didnt expect you to be that good! Always stealing business from my son! But I knew that if I could extract a gajillion dollars from you, you would go bankrupt, and never work again! King: Krystall! You continue to make things up! I have no interest in a gajillion dollars, all I want is my comfy chair! Krystall:

But Your majesty I naturally assumed Well, if you had a gajillion dollars, you could buy as many chairs as you want! You couldKing: GAH! YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT YOU HAVE FAILED TO SUPPLY ME WITH THE LAY-Z-BOY YOU HAVE PROMISED?!?! YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT MY LUSCIOUS, MILKY THIGHS WILL CONTINUE TO HANG OFF OF ALL NORMAL CHAIRS!?!? Krystall: Well, um THE KING OF THE MANATEES releases a piercing and visceral war cry. He grabs KRYSTALL, picking her up if possible. King: Thats it! If I dont get my chair RIGHT NOW, IM GOING TO DEVOUR EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU!!! It is a moment of incredible tension and silence. Doctor: Well Uh You can have that one If you want THE DOCTOR gestures to UNCLES single chair. THE KING OF THE MANATEES considers this in a moment of stern concentration. King: Throw in that can of tuna and youve got yourself a deal. THE DOCTOR gestures to UNCLE, who is now UNCLE G. He grabs the can of tuna, rushes gleefully over THE KING OF THE MANATEES, and hands it to him. Uncle G: All yours, snuggle puss! King: Excellent! Your debt is repaid! He turns to KRYSTALL. King: You, on the other hand... THE KING drags the chair, the tuna, and the protesting KRYSTALL out. There is a moment of silence.

Doctor: Well played, Uncle. Well played. A sudden change comes over UNCLE G. His center of gravity is lower. His voice is completely normal. Uncle: Uncle? What Uncle? I Am a motorcycle! He begins to run around the room making ridiculous engine noises with his lips. Doctor: Excellent! THE DOCTOR leaps onto UNCLES back, and they ride offstage and into the sunset. FIN