Diving Normal

(A Play)

by
Ashlin Halfnight

Contact:
Jean Diamond
Diamond Management
31 Percy Street
London, UK
W1T 2DD
0207 631 0400

Ashlin Halfnight
229 East 79th, 8F
New York, NY
10021
917.539.4329
[email protected]

Copyright, 2008.
 CHARACTERS

FULTON: Late twenties. Smart but unsure.

DANA: Late twenties. Rough and pretty.

GORDON: Early thirties. Kind and awkward.

SETTING

A post-college, East Village apartment in New York City.

SCENE I

Sounds of rain. The lights come up on

Dana, drenched and bleeding from her
eyebrow. She stands in the middle of
the room, looking around. From the
back of the apartment, Fulton yells.

FULTON (O.S.)
You sure? You might need stitches.

DANA
I don’t need stitches.

FULTON (O.S.)
Fuck... I’ve got some first aid stuff around here
somewhere... I - if you’d mentioned something on the phone I
could have had all this shit ready - I’ve.... why didn’t you
say something?

DANA
Sorry.

FULTON (O.S.)
No - it’s fine -

He reenters carrying a towel and some

first aid junk.

FULTON (cont'd)
It’s totally fine. Don’t apologize.

He wraps the towel around her.

FULTON (cont'd)
Here - sit down.

He leads her to the couch.

He goes at her eye.

FULTON (cont'd)
So what happened?

DANA
Nothing - I don’t know - this guy just / like rammed -

FULTON
Wait - this was at Canal? After I saw you?

DANA
Yeah. Anyway he - ow.
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FULTON
Sorry. Rubbing alcohol.

DANA
No - it’s okay. It feels - um -

FULTON
So...

DANA
So, she was a crazy bag lady, you know? And she just started
screaming and yelling and pushing everyone - and she smacked
my head into the door of the train.

She winces.

FULTON
Sorry. If you want to do it yourself - I’m not very good at
this kind of thing.

DANA
No. / You’re doing great. Thank you.

FULTON
I’m not really a nurse. Or a male nurse. Or whatever.

DANA
It’s fine.

He cleans a bit more, blows on the spot

to dry it.

She looks at him.

FULTON
What? Does my breath smell?

DANA
No.

FULTON
I was eating pickles when you called.

He applies the band-aid.

FULTON (cont'd)
What?

DANA
Nothing.

FULTON
You look good.

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DANA
Thanks?

FULTON
No. You look cute now - you were cute then - really cute -
but people change - you know - they get fat and ugly and bald
and - ahm, but now, you kind of look gangsta-hot. With the
band-aid and all. Maybe not.
(Beat.)
You cold?

DANA
No. No. It’s warm in here.

FULTON
Too warm? I can open a window.

DANA
No.

He collects the stuff. He holds out a T-

shirt.

FULTON
Okay - well here’s a T-shirt. It’s dry. You can put it on.
I’ll go in the other room.

DANA
Thanks.

FULTON
I’ll... I’m just going to put this stuff away. You can
change.

He leaves the room. She pulls her

shirt up, revealing several welts on
her back. She puts his on.

FULTON (O.S.) (cont'd)

So, you took the train in?

DANA
Yeah.

FULTON (O.S.)
Gotta love Metro North.

DANA
Yeah...Gotta love Metro North. What?

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FULTON (O.S.)
Nothing. Trains. I like trains. Remember I won the - not
to brag - but I won the art prize senior year for a painting
of a train.

Beat: no answer.

Dana takes a pill bottle out of her

purse and pops a pill.

FULTON (cont’d)
Got a thing for trains.

DANA
It’s... um... yeah... I don’t really drive long distances,
um... so it’s the only way to... get in.

FULTON (O.S.)
Yeah. Of course. Are you decent?

DANA
I guess so.

He reenters.

FULTON
So - I think there’s still the midnight train - but... by the
time you get to the subway...

DANA
Yeah I can probably catch it if... um...

FULTON
You’re welcome to stay. On the couch.

DANA
No. I wouldn’t want to impose.

FULTON
No really. It’s fine. I got the couch. I ordered Chinese.

DANA
Okay...

FULTON
Double rice.

DANA
Okay then.

FULTON
Okay then. Stay.

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DANA
Thanks. That’s nice of you. This is nice. Better than...
well, better than Brewster any day of the week.

FULTON
Yeah. Yeah, I don’t get back much.

DANA
Don’t blame you. There’s nothing to do. Work. Sleep. The
mall.

FULTON
You working?

DANA
Yeah. Greenhill. Assisted living.

Beat.

FULTON
Oh. Yeah. Sorry. How’s your mom doing?

DANA
Fine.

FULTON
She’s still...?

DANA
Um...

FULTON
Umm, you know..

DANA
Paralyzed. Yeah. You can say it.

FULTON
Yeah. Sorry. But Greenhill - that’s good, though. You get
to spend time together.

DANA
No - she lives at home. With me. I mean, I do. Spend time
with her. In the evenings. At night. And every morning.
(Beat.)
But, ahm, I heard you got one of your novels published.

FULTON
It was a graphic novel, actually.

DANA
I haven’t read it - or looked at the pictures - or whatever
you do with a graphic novel - but, yeah, congratulations.

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FULTON
Thanks.

DANA
Yeah - little Fulton Ditmer, yearbook editor, makes good. It
was in the paper. Your mom must have been proud.

FULTON
Yeah.
(Beat.)
Who was that guy? That your boyfriend?

DANA
Him? Just a guy... we went to the Gap. Why?

FULTON
Nothing. I saw the bag. Gap. The Gap. You shop at the
Gap. I shop at the Gap. I always thought you’d shop at,
like, some super secret boutique with no name on the door and
like cucumber water spritzers - okay. Ha. You want a drink?

DANA
I’m not - yeah - you got something to eat actually? I’m
kinda hungry.

FULTON
Sure. The Chinese should be here any minute... but ah, I’ve
got Melba Toast...

DANA
Melba what?

FULTON
Toast. It’s like this thin... nevermind. I’ll just get it.

He goes to the cupboard.

FULTON (cont'd)
So, ah, Jimmy Dobbs is a karate champion in New Mexico.
Cheryl Hood is making a movie about Dingoes. You know, like
the Dingo ate my baby....

DANA
What?

FULTON
So - I just, you know, it’s interesting how people turn out -
nine years... long time, you know?
(Beat.)
So what’s up with you?

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DANA
I’ve done a bunch of things. Little of this - the Sears
catalogue -

FULTON
I did hear about that. With like a barbecue or something?

He hands her a cracker.

DANA
A kiddie pool, actually. And another one with a lawn-mower -
me and my fake husband, doing the gardening. Fucking
ridiculous. And you probably heard that I was doing some -
table dancing.

FULTON
No, actually.

DANA
Yeah. Did that.

She chews. Stops.

DANA (cont'd)
This tastes like ass.

FULTON
Really?

He smells the box.

DANA
Ugh - seriously - you eat this shit?

FULTON
You want pickles?

DANA
No. Thanks.

Beat. She shivers. Fades.

DANA (cont'd)
Ugh...

She exhales.

FULTON
Hey. I know it’s not my place, but, are you okay?

DANA
I’m fine. What?

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FULTON
Are you?
(Beat.)
I mean, if you don’t want to tell me what happened, it’s
okay, but if you’re in / trouble maybe we should call
someone.

DANA
I told you what happened.

FULTON
Yeah. Sort of.

DANA
What’s that supposed to mean?

FULTON
Nothing - just when you were telling the story the guy
changed to a girl.

DANA
What?

FULTON
Well first it was a guy who pushed you. You said guy - and
then it was a woman.

DANA
So? No. I started to say that there was a guy who was next
to me and she pushed him first - then me.

FULTON
Okay. I’m just saying that - when you first came in - when
you started to tell the story - and I mean, maybe I’m way out
of line here -

DANA
What?

FULTON
No. But, if that guy I saw you with - The Gap guy or
whatever - if he’s, you know, beating you or something - you
know what - nevermind. Forget I said anything. It’s okay.
I’ll get you some blankets. My neighbor has extras.

He goes to the door. She stands,

putting on her coat.

DANA
Hey... you know what? The last thing I want to do is make
trouble. I’m gonna go.

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FULTON
Make trouble? What the hell are you talking about?

DANA
Nothing. Thank you for the band-aid.

FULTON
What?

DANA
It was good to see you.

She exits. He follows her.

FULTON
Dana! It’s fucking pouring outside!

Beat.

FULTON (cont'd)
Dana!

He reenters and shuts the door, shaking

his head. He stands a moment, thinking
about going after her. No.

He exits to the bedroom.

There is a knock on the door.

He reenters quickly and opens it.

FULTON (cont'd)
Oh.

VOICE (O.S.)
2D?

FULTON
Hey - yeah - thanks. Keep the change.

He hands over some cash, closes the

door and reenters with a bag of Chinese
food.

FULTON (cont'd)
Fuck.

He sets the food down and reaches for

an umbrella.

FULTON (cont'd)
Fuck fuck fuck.

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He hesitates.

He opens the door.

Dana is standing there.

FULTON (cont'd)
Oh...

There is a long beat of silence where

they look at each other.

DANA
Sorry.

FULTON
It’s okay. I’m sorry, too.

DANA
No. I just... don’t call me a liar.

FULTON
I wasn’t.

DANA
Yes you were.

FULTON
Okay - no I was asking for a clarification.

DANA
You called me a liar.

FULTON
I didn’t mean anything... I really didn’t mean to make it
sound like that. I’m sorry. I just wanted to help.

DANA
Yeah, well, I don’t need your help.

FULTON
Okay.
(Beat.)
Do you need my Kung Pow chicken?

DANA
What?

FULTON
Are you hungry? You said you were hungry.

DANA
Maybe.

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FULTON
I’m on Kung Pow overload in here...

DANA
Yeah?

FULTON
Yeah... we could eat and, um, stare at each other like in
11th grade bio.

DANA
What?

FULTON
Oh come on... I stared at you - you stared at me... bio
class... Bunsen burners... petri dish?

DANA
Um, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but I was pretty
much baked out of my mind in bio... so I don’t think I was /
staring at you...

FULTON
We can just eat then. No staring. Just eat. And look at the
floor. If you’ll come back in.

She does.

Lights fade.

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SCENE II

The lights come up to reveal Dana,

sleeping on the couch, eye bandaged as
before, in Fulton’s sweats and T-shirt.
Gordon stands over her, eating Raisin
Bran.

DANA
Jesus! What the fuck / are you doing?

GORDON
Don’t be scared. / Good morning.

DANA
Fulton!

GORDON
Shh... Don’t wake him up.

DANA
You woke me up.

GORDON
False. I waited patiently for you to come out of your sleep
naturally.

DANA
Uhuh. Whatever. Can you back up?

GORDON
I live next door.

He moves.

GORDON (cont’d)
Those are my blankets.

DANA
Uhuh - is it Gerald?

GORDON
False. It is Gordon.

DANA
Okay - yeah - sorry - Gordon - you’re kind of creeping me
out.

He pushes the box towards her.

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DANA (cont'd)
No. Thanks.

She stands, wrapping the blanket around

her.

GORDON
The apartment smells nice. Like you.

DANA
Fulton!

FULTON (O.S.)
Coming! Hang on.

GORDON
Good morning, Fulton!
(To Dana.)
I could make you some eggs and coffee. Don’t be scared.

DANA
I’m not / scared.

GORDON
An omelet? I make a very good Western omelet. A five-star
Western omelet.

DANA
A Western omelet.

GORDON
Yes.

DANA
Like with eggs and... whatever...

GORDON
Yes. I was famous for it at my summer camp.

DANA
Hmm..

GORDON
What were you famous for at your summer camp?

DANA
Ha.

Fulton enters.

FULTON
Gord - not before 11.

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To her.

FULTON (cont'd)
Sorry.

GORDON
You needed blankets for your new old friend. I just came to
collect my blankets.

FULTON
I have a guest.

GORDON
I know. She’s very nice.

FULTON
So - it’s ten o’clock in the morning Gordon - and she’s tired
- and she had an accident last night and the last thing she
needs is some total stranger waking her up first thing in the
- just, Christ!

GORDON
Oh.

FULTON
No. No... it’s fine. Gord. Seriously. It’s not a big
deal. Just, maybe give us an hour. I’ll come over and we
can go down and grab a coffee. Cool?

GORDON
Yes.

Fulton opens the door. Gordon leaves,

sadly.

GORDON (cont'd)
Okay. Sorry. Goodbye.

DANA
Bye, Gordon.

FULTON
Later.

GORDON
I am sorry for my intrusion.

Fulton shuts the door.

FULTON
Sorry. He’s harmless. Pain in the ass sometimes, but he’s -

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GORDON (O.S.)
I heard that!

FULTON
Well, you are!

Fulton comes closer.

FULTON (cont'd)
He’s on the board of the building - takes the rules very
seriously. Like that kid Marvin whatever... you know, with
the hand washing... he was always the referee in gym class...

DANA
Huh. He was kind of cute. Gordon, I mean.

FULTON
Uhuh..?

DANA
He was going to make me an omelet.

FULTON
So?

DANA
So... I’m hungry.
(Beat.)
And he is famous / for his -

FULTON
He’s famous for his fucking Western omelet. I know. He
won’t shut up about it.

DANA
So. Go get him.

FULTON
Go get him?

DANA
Yeah - why not? He obviously wants to be here.

FULTON
Go get him... you sure.

She nods.

FULTON (cont'd)
Okay... fine.

Fulton opens the door. Gordon is

standing right there.

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GORDON
Hello.

FULTON
Uhuh. Hello.
(Beat.)
Just don’t burn the apartment down.

Fulton motions him in.

GORDON
You don’t trust me?

FULTON
I trust you.

Fulton heads back to the bedroom.

GORDON
I’m famous for my omelet.

FULTON
We know, Gord.

He crosses to the kitchen area and

makes a show of getting ready.

GORDON
Ham, cheese and mushrooms. Is that good?

DANA
Sure.

GORDON
That’s the regular. Fulton and I sometimes go to the diner
on Saturdays. We walk in and he says the regular and then I
say the regular. Please. And they know. It means ham,
cheese and mushrooms. The regular.
(Beat.)
You should always ask about allergies to certain foods before
preparing a meal for a guest.

DANA
That seems sensible.

GORDON
I like to take care of people.

DANA
That’s nice.

GORDON
Especially when they are in trouble.

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DANA
What?

GORDON
Okay - Do you have allergies?

DANA
What? No.

GORDON
Rhonda was allergic to shellfish. That / was not good.

DANA
Oh...

GORDON
Would you mind if I put the radio on?

DANA
Knock yourself out.

GORDON
We don’t get to listen to the radio at work. I am employed
by the city of New York, as a library information technician.

DANA
Cool.

GORDON
No. It’s not very cool.

DANA
Okay.

GORDON
No. Libraries are not cool.

DANA
I like them. I think they’re pretty cool.

He looks at her.

GORDON
You don’t actually think that. You’re just saying that to be
nice.

Beat.

DANA
Okay. Fine. Yes. I was.

GORDON
That’s okay. People are nice to me like that all the time.

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DANA
Oh.
(Beat.)
That must be okay.

GORDON
No. I hate it.

DANA
Oh. Sorry. Well... it’s better than people being mean to
you all the -

Gordon looks in the fridge.

GORDON
Ahmm. There are no eggs. It is completely physically
impossible to make the regular with no eggs. Out of the
question.
(Beat.)
Fulton! There are no eggs!

FULTON (O.S.)
What do I look like, a fucking chicken?

There is a beat of silence. Nobody

says anything. Gordon stares, lost in
thought.

DANA
It’s okay. We could just have toast.

Gordon walks out.

GORDON
Good bye.

She looks after him. Fulton reenters.

DANA
Wait - what? That - What’s up with that? He just, like,
took off.

She laughs a little.

FULTON
Yeah. He does that.

They connect.

FULTON (cont’d)
I know - I’ve got a strange little existence going here.

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DANA
I like it.

FULTON
Well... stay as long as you want.

DANA
I have to get home. My mom’s got... I need to be back by
seven to relieve the nurse.

FULTON
Okay. I mean... there is a five o’clock train - you’d be
home by six.

DANA
I don’t want to put you out.

FULTON
Put me out? Please. We’ve got leftovers...

He pulls out the Chinese food.

DANA
No. If I’m staying - I want an omelet. I liked the idea of
an omelet. It’s Sunday morning. Omelets. The regular.

FULTON
/ Uhuh.

DANA
Golf shirts, mocha lattes, walking the dog in the park with
your girlfriend.

FULTON
I’m lactose intolerant and I don’t have a dog or a
girlfriend. What are you talking about?

DANA
Isn’t that what you people do?

FULTON
What do you mean us people?

DANA
I don’t know... like normal people.

FULTON
Normal people.

DANA
Brunch people.

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FULTON
I’m not brunch people. That’s ridiculous.

DANA
/ No?

FULTON
I don’t even like brunch. I hate brunch. And brunch people.
I’m so far -

DANA
Hey, maybe brunch-man could be a character in your next book.
He has like this razor sharp popped collar and he shoots
deviled eggs out the tailpipe of his Audi. And he’s got a
gay teenage sidekick named Quiche-boy - or

FULTON
Shut it. First of all, that doesn’t even make sense.
Second, if it did, it would be the worst idea I’ve ever
heard. Third, I am not brunch people - I’m, like, Kung Pow
people. Clearly... much more Kung and Pow going on over here
than, you know, brunch.
(Beat.)
I’m very well Kung...

DANA
Okay. Right...

FULTON
Yeah...
(Beat.)
So... stick around. We’ll go down and grab the regular.

Beat.

DANA
Okay. Yeah. Thanks. But...ah...do you mind if I take a
shower?

FULTON
No. Not at all. Of course.

DANA
Okay. Can I borrow a towel?

Fulton smiles.

FULTON
Yeah. Sure.

Beat.

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DANA
Okay... you want to show me where they are?

FULTON
Yeah...

Fulton is really smiling.

DANA
What.

FULTON
You want company?

DANA
Finding the towel?

FULTON
No. Like, in the shower...

DANA
No.

FULTON
No?

DANA
No.

FULTON
Oh. Sorry. I thought you were / suggesting...

DANA
No. I wasn’t.

FULTON
Oops. My bad.

DANA
/ I’m -

FULTON
No. Nevermind. Forget it. Forget I said anything. Towels
are on the shelf in the bathroom. Right there. Left of the
sink.

DANA
Thanks.

She exits.

She peeks her head back.

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DANA (cont'd)
Quiche-boy... seriously, think about it.

FULTON
Yeah. I’ll think about it.

She leaves. He shakes his head and

puts the Chinese food away.

Lights fade.

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SCENE III

Gordon and Fulton sit on the couch.

Fulton is sketching.

GORDON
So.

FULTON
Mmhmm...

GORDON
It is almost eight o’clock.

FULTON
Mmhmm...

GORDON
Perhaps my watch is fast.

FULTON
Maybe.

GORDON
She told you seven forty five.

FULTON
Yes she did.

GORDON
I’m very nervous.

FULTON
What? Why?

GORDON
Maybe she was hit by a bus.

FULTON
She wasn’t hit by a bus. Just calm down.

GORDON
I am not the only person who needs to calm down.

FULTON
Who? Me?
(Beat.)
I’m fine.

GORDON
That is a terrible drawing.

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FULTON
It’s rough.

GORDON
It’s rough. And terrible. Your leg is shaking.

Fulton tosses the sketchbook.

FULTON
Yeah, well, I’m a little nervous. So what.

GORDON
This is your first date.

FULTON
Not really.

GORDON
Does last week count?

FULTON
I don’t know.

GORDON
Maybe she isn’t coming.

FULTON
So what? If she doesn’t come, I’ll call somebody else.

GORDON
Yes. Somebody else. I saw another card. In your mail this
morning.

FULTON
Uhuh.

GORDON
Rhonda is very persistent.

FULTON
Yeah, well.

The buzzer rings.

FULTON (cont’d)
See? There she is. No bus. No accident.

He picks it up.

FULTON (cont'd)
Hey. Come on up.

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GORDON
She’s coming up.

FULTON
I know.

GORDON
Did you put on clean underwear?

FULTON
What are you, my dad?

GORDON
No. Your Dad lives in Los Angeles. You have never seen him
or met him.

FULTON
Shut up.

GORDON
It would be funny if I were / your dad.

Gordon laughs.

FULTON
Just... Gord... focus. Remember... like five minutes. Just
a quick hello and what we talked about - then make up an
excuse, and beat it.

GORDON
Shh. She’s coming.

She enters.

GORDON (cont'd)
Hi Dana.

FULTON
Hey...

DANA
Hey guys.

GORDON
I bought fresh eggs for Sunday. For the regular.

DANA
Great. Can’t wait.

She looks around, holding her bag.

DANA (cont'd)
Um - where should I put this?

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FULTON
I’ll take it.

DANA
That’s okay.

FULTON
No, come on...

DANA
I can carry my own shit.

FULTON
Okay. Then... why don’t you put it in the back. By the
bedroom? Or wherever.

DANA
Okay.

She begins to exit.

That shirt looks nice.

GORDON & FULTON

Thanks.

DANA
No, I meant Gordon.

FULTON
Oh.

GORDON
Thank you.

She walks off toward the bedroom.

GORDON (cont'd)
She is definitely nicer than Rhon -

FULTON
Shhh.

GORDON
Oh yes. Sorry.
(Beat.)
But she is.

FULTON
I know.

GORDON
And prettier.

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FULTON
I know.

GORDON
You like her.

FULTON
Yeah - and I don’t want to fuck this up. So, just be your
regular self and help me out a bit here.

GORDON
I know exactly what to say.

She reenters.

DANA
So... What’s the big surprise?

FULTON
I can’t tell you yet.

GORDON
It is very good.

DANA
Oh yeah?

GORDON
Yes. Almost as good as the other big surprise - which is the
fact that Fulton sold the film rights to his book.

DANA
No shit. Really?

GORDON
Yes. For a large sum of money - well - I think it is a large
sum of money, but Fulton says it’s peanuts.

FULTON
It’s not exactly peanuts, but it’s not what other -

GORDON
It’s more than fifty thousand dollars.

DANA
Wow - cool. Congratulations. That’s great.

GORDON
They think Patrick Swayze, the dirty dancer, is going to play
Puck.

FULTON
They don’t know for sure, but he’s interested.

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DANA
Patrick Swayze... as the main character, the guy who can
predict the future?

FULTON
Yeah - you read it?

DANA
Of course.

GORDON
Puck can tune. It’s / called tuning.

FULTON
It’s called tuning in the book.

DANA
I know. I read the first twenty pages before I fell asleep on
the train.

FULTON
My book put you to sleep.

DANA
No. It’s really good.

GORDON
I like it.

DANA
It’s smart. And funny.

GORDON
Like Fulton.

DANA
What are you, his mother?

GORDON
No. I work at the library.

DANA
Right.

Beat.

GORDON
Well, I am glad that you were not hit by a bus.

DANA
What?

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GORDON
Nothing.
(To Dana)
You were several minutes late. Fulton was nervous.

FULTON
I was not. Dick.

GORDON
He was.

FULTON
Okay... well... Gordon...

GORDON
Oh yes. I have Asparagus on the stove.

FULTON
(Mimed.)
Asparagus?

DANA
Asparagus?

GORDON
Yes... asparagus - and it might be done. So I should go.

DANA
You left asparagus on the stove?

FULTON
(Mimed, again.)
Asparagus?

GORDON
Perhaps not. In any case, I had better go home and find out.
Goodnight.

DANA
Night.

FULTON
See ya. Thanks, Gord.

Beat.

DANA
So... um, you tell him to say all that?

FULTON
Me?

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DANA
Yeah you.

FULTON
Never.

DANA
Asparagus?

Fulton shrugs.

FULTON
You want to change?

DANA
Do I need to change?

FULTON
Nope.

DANA
Okay... maybe I’ll just wash my face and then we can take
off.

FULTON
Huh.... take off...

DANA
What?

FULTON
Nothing...

DANA
What?

FULTON
Let’s just say that I hope you’re not afraid of heights.

DANA
Yeah?

FULTON
Yeah.

DANA
I’ve already been up the Empire State Building.

FULTON
Oh please, this is so much cooler than that. The Empire
State Building? Who do I look like, Tom Hanks?

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FULTON (cont’d)
Careful...

He gets a little closer.

DANA
Okay. So what are we doing?

FULTON
Hey...You’ll just have to be patient.

DANA
Just tell me.

FULTON
I’m not telling you. You need to wait.

DANA
I’m kind of impatient.

FULTON
Yeah?

DANA
Yeah.

FULTON
Well, let’s just say that from where I’m taking you, you’ll
be able to spit on the Empire State Building.

DANA
Nice. I’ve kind of always wanted to do that...

They get a little closer.

FULTON
Somehow that doesn’t surprise me.

DANA
No?

FULTON
No.

DANA
I’m predictable, huh?

FULTON
No. Not so much predictable... more unavoidable... and...
hot... and...

They’re very close for a considerable

beat.

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DANA
Are you going to kiss me, or are we going to stand here like
idiots / (for the rest of the night.)

FULTON
I’m going to kiss you.

DANA
Okay. Hurry up. Fuck.

FULTON
It’s okay?

DANA
I’m not sure. I’ll let you know when we’re finished.

He leans in for the kiss.

Lights fade.

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SCENE IV

The lights come up as Dana walks in,

wearing Fulton’s shirt, just waking up.
Gordon sits on the couch.

GORDON
Good morning

DANA
Oh... Jesus... hey Gordon.

GORDON
Hello to you too, Dana.

DANA
What time is it?

GORDON
Eleven-oh-nine.

DANA
Right. After eleven.

GORDON
Well after eleven.

DANA
Okay.

She sits down.

DANA (cont'd)
How are you?

GORDON
Fine, thank you for asking.

DANA
No problem.

GORDON
Did you sleep well?

DANA
Yeah. Fine.

GORDON
How was the helicopter ride?

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DANA
It was... pretty fucking cool, actually. They had champagne
for us and all sorts of weird cheeses. And the city was
amazing - lit up like / something from a -

GORDON
I’ve decided to start reading all of the writers with the
initials C.B.

DANA
Okay...

GORDON
I’ve started with Charles Baudelaire. Next will be Charlotte
Bronte.

DANA
Why?

GORDON
There are lots of books in the New York public library
system, and without a premeditated objective, it can be quite
overwhelming.

DANA
Sounds right.

GORDON
I’ll finish with Charles Brockden Brown. That’s C.B.B. I’m
developing an affinity for initials. Don’t you like
initials?

DANA
Sure. I’ve never really thought about it, but I guess
initials are pretty cool.

GORDON
Do you want some raisin bran?

DANA
Not just now, thanks.

GORDON
I am a member of the board of directors for the building. I
am in charge of the laundry facilities and the yearly holiday
party. I’m an excellent planner. My initials are GHC. For
Gordon Henry Coburn. What are yours?

DANA
DMH. Dana Michelle Henry.

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GORDON
Henry...Those are nice initials.
(Beat.)
Yes.
(Beat.)
Do you know other initials?

DANA
What do you mean?

GORDON
Like - FPD, for Fulton Peter Ditmer or N.Y.C. for New York
City. That one’s easy.

DANA
Yep – knew that one.

GORDON
Or Y.M.C.A. for Young Men’s Christian Association.

DANA
Huh.

GORDON
I go every Sunday to the YMCA to take my diving lessons. I
used to go to church, but now I go to the pool.
(Beat.)
Today is Sunday.

DANA
Yes. It is.

GORDON
Yes. I go every Sunday, except in April when the pool is
closed for cleaning.

DANA
You – um – what kind of dives do you do?

GORDON
Head first.
(Beat.)
And other kinds.
(Beat.)
I have green swimming trunks.

DANA
Right. Cool.

GORDON
I’m working very hard at diving normal. Normal dives.
Because most of the time my body goes crooked and it makes a
big splash.

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DANA
Yeah - you want to keep the splash to a minimum.

GORDON
Yes. And I’m going today at two o’clock.

DANA
That must be fun. Do you have some – um – like – diving
buddies?

GORDON
No.

DANA
Oh.

GORDON
Would you – because today is Sunday is why I mention it – and
I have an appointment at two o’clock – would you like to come
– maybe not today – but some time – on a Sunday – to the YMCA
- to watch me dive?

DANA
Sure.

GORDON
Really?

DANA
Sure. Why not?

GORDON
Okay.
(Beat.)
Would you like to come today?

DANA
Today?

GORDON
Yes today. It is Sunday.

DANA
Right.
(Beat.)
Well... umm... hmm...I don’t really have any plans. Fulton
is supposed to -

GORDON
Fulton can come too.

DANA
No he’s got his brainstorm meeting thing -

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GORDON
Thrash session.

DANA
Right - the thrash session - so... hey... let’s go. Sunday
at the Y. Why fucking not...

GORDON
Y-MCA.

DANA
Yeah. YMCA.

GORDON
Great. I’ll go get my swimming trunks. We can leave in one
hour.

DANA
Okay.

He gets up and exits.

She looks at the door and then starts

to giggle.

Lights fade.

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SCENE V

Sounds of shower. Gordon enters, a

carbon monoxide detector and
screwdriver in hand.

GORDON
Hello? Hellllooo?
(Beat.)
Fulton?

He walks out and toward the bedroom.

Dana screams. Gordon comes running back
on.

GORDON (cont'd)
AHHHH! Sorry!Sorry! I was - Sorry!
(Beat.)
I need to install the carbon monoxide detector. Sorry.

Dana enters pulling on a shirt.

GORDON (cont'd)
Sorry. I did not mean to see anything.

DANA
It’s okay. I’m sure you’ve seen it before. / You just - you
scared me.

GORDON
I am very sorry. Thank you. I am only here to install the
carbon monoxide detector. I did not mean to intrude.

DANA
Okay.

GORDON
Every apartment is required to have one.

DANA
Okay.

GORDON
It’s the law. I am only here because of the building codes.

DANA
Gord, you practically live here / it’s cool.

GORDON
I need to be here to install it.

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DANA
Okay... Gordon... it’s okay. Calm down.

GORDON
Yes.... Yes... Okay. Where should I install it?

She looks around.

DANA
Ask Fulton - or - I don’t know. Maybe over there.

Gordon takes a long breath.

GORDON
I fell off a horse once at my summer camp.

DANA
Okay.

GORDON
And I had bruises like you.

Beat.

DANA
Ah. Yeah. I do martial arts.

GORDON
Martial arts.

DANA
Karate. Tae-kwon-do.

GORDON
Oh.

He holds up the detector.

The shower turns off.

GORDON (cont’d)
Oh. Yes. I think it would look best here. What is your
opinion?

DANA
It’s not my apartment. I can’t really, you know...

GORDON
You have been here three weekends in a row.

DANA
Um... yeah. I have.

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GORDON
So you are entitled to an opinion.

DANA
Not really... not about decorating the walls.

GORDON
Well. You should know that you are entitled to an opinion
about my dives.

DANA
Okay.

Beat.

GORDON
And what is your opinion about my dives?

DANA
Well, if you want to know, I think they’re fucking excellent.

GORDON
Thank you.

DANA
No problem.

GORDON
I did tell Fulton it was your birthday this week.

DANA
You didn’t need to do that.

GORDON
It is considered a small tragedy when people spend their
birthdays alone.

DANA
I’m taking my mom to dinner.

GORDON
Okay. Well. Someone should take you to dinner on your
birthday. Fulton takes me every year to Sponelli’s.
(Beat.)
It is a very good restaurant. I wear a tie.

DANA
I bet you look great.

GORDON
I think you should be given nice things, like nice dinners,
on your birthday. On that day, no matter what, you should be
treated with sweetness and love.

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She looks at him and nods.

GORDON (cont’d)
That is just what I think.

DANA
I... I think you’re right.

Fulton enters, drying his hair.

FULTON
Hey Gord. What’s up?

GORDON
I am only here to install the carbon monoxide detector.
Nothing else.

FULTON
Okay.

GORDON
I did not intend to intrude on -

DANA
Gord.

GORDON
Perhaps I should come back at a more convenient time.

FULTON
Whatever you want, buddy. It’s all good.

GORDON
You are drying your hair and enjoying the morning.

He goes to the door.

GORDON (cont’d)
Yes, and Dana, I do have diving again this weekend. And if
you enjoyed yourself previously, and you always say you do,
you may certainly consider coming again this weekend.

DANA
I’ll be there Gord. Two o’clock.

GORDON
Okay. Good.Right.
(Beat.)
Well, then, good-day all.

FULTON
Later.

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Gordon leaves.

Fulton shakes his head.

DANA
He’s a sweet guy. You should see him at the pool. Everyone
loves him.

FULTON
Of course they do. Guy’s got a heart of gold.

DANA
And he’s kind of gorgeous in a / weird way.

FULTON
What? Are you - Gordon?

DANA
Not like that... I mean, he’s nice. He looks out for me.
He’s always making sure I pay attention when he does his
dives and whatever.

FULTON
Huh. Yeah. Well, he’s right next door... you know, if
you’re jonesing for his company.

DANA
I’m good right here.

FULTON
You sure about that?

DANA
Depends. You got another helicopter ride up your sleeve?

Fulton tosses the towel, kisses her.

FULTON
No. But I do have a little present...

He pulls out an envelope from

somewhere... and then hands it over.

FULTON (cont’d)
Happy birthday.

DANA
What?

FULTON
Yeah. I know your weeknights are reserved for your mom and
stuff - so I won’t see you on Wednesday - but I thought...
you know...

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She opens it. It’s a train pass.

FULTON (cont’d)
You can use it whenever. Just hand it to the conductor
and... voila... free ride to... me. Brewster - New York. It’s
good for a month.

DANA
Oh. A month. Is that the shelf-life on this whole thing?

Beat.

FULTON
This is a thing?

Beat. She’s caught.

FULTON (cont'd)
I think she said it was a thing.

DANA
Shut it.

FULTON
Is it a thing? I think it’s a thing. She called it a thing.
She did. I think we can go ahead and call it a thing.

DANA
Shut it. Maybe it’s a thing. With a small t.

FULTON
Okay. I like small t’s.

DANA
Good.

FULTON
Yeah, good. So then you can be here every Friday, at 8 pm.
Standing invitation. For a small t thing.

DANA
I’ll be here at 7:45.

FULTON
I’ll be here at 7:44.

DANA
Okay. Weirdo.

FULTON
Okay. Gimme a kiss.

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DANA
Small k kiss.

FULTON
Small k kiss.

They kiss - small k.

DANA
God, that was so gay.

FULTON
I feel like Quiche-Boy.

They kiss again.

Lights fade.

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SCENE

All three enter.

GORDON
So... thank you for coming.

FULTON
No problem.

GORDON
It is not very exciting, I know.

FULTON
Come on -

DANA
It’s cool to see, you know, how you do things...where all the
books go...

GORDON
The books go back on the shelf - it’s not very exciting.

DANA
No, but the sheer number that come through there. It’s a
shit-load of books.

GORDON
It is a lot, but there’s no need to swear.

FULTON
Your boss, though - what’s her name?

GORDON
Rebecca.

FULTON
Yeah, Rebecca’s a bit, um, stiff.

GORDON
She smells like mothballs.

FULTON
She kinda does.

GORDON
And she’s a squirrely bitch.

FULTON
Um...?

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GORDON
That’s what Dana called her.

FULTON
Okay.

DANA
She is. She kept giving me this dirty look.

FULTON
Maybe because you kept asking her for books on Kamasutra.

GORDON
No, she gives everyone that look.

Gordon does the pirate eye. Dana does

it back.

DANA
Yeah - seriously - what’s that about?

GORDON
I suspect she’s incontinent. She changes her pants twice a
day.

FULTON
Maybe she just needs glasses.

GORDON
Or diapers.

DANA
Or maybe she’s just a squirrely bitch.

Beat.

GORDON
Yes, well, in any case I enjoyed giving you the tour.

FULTON
We enjoyed getting it.

GORDON
Saturdays are very busy. If you come back on a weekday, I
can help you to get a library card and take out books. Seven
is the limit.

FULTON
Cool...

GORDON
And especially if you are thinking about going back to school
for teaching, Dana, you will need to borrow books.
(MORE)
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GORDON (cont'd)
(Beat.)
So, just let me know if you need any assistance.

DANA
Okay.

FULTON
You’re going back to school?

DANA
Thinking about it. Yeah.

GORDON
She is. For teaching.

Dana starts off.

GORDON (cont’d)
Where are you going?

DANA
Um... I have to use the bathroom.

GORDON
Oh. Okay.

DANA
Okay?

GORDON
Yes. Okay.

Fulton looks at Gordon.

GORDON (cont’d)
And The Davinci Code? May I borrow it, as we discussed? /
The library copy is constantly -

FULTON
Yeah. Fine. No problem.

Beat.

FULTON (cont’d)
When did she tell you - Gord - hey - when did she tell you
that she was going back to school?

GORDON
At the pool. Are you going to ask her to go to Los Angeles?

FULTON
I don’t fuckin’ - I don’t know yet.

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GORDON
Okay.
(Beat.)
That subject is a can of worms.

FULTON
What else did she tell you?

GORDON
She likes custard.

FULTON
What?

Dana walks through, fast, with her cell

phone.

DANA
Shit shit shit. I have to go.

GORDON FULTON
Dana? What’s up?

DANA (cont’d)
I - fuck - I left my cell phone here while we were - my mom -
the nurse called nineteen times - I have twenty three missed
calls - she - fuck - I have to go -

FULTON
Do you want me to come with -

DANA
No. Just - nevermind. I’m so fucking stupid. I’m such a -
I need to go. Where’s my bag?

FULTON
I think it’s -

DANA
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY BAG?

FULTON
You put it -

DANA
FUCK!

She runs off, comes back with her bag.

FULTON
Dane - I’ll -

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DANA
No. Leave me alone. I have to go. I have to go. Jesus
Christ. She’s - I’ll call you - I’m such an idiot - fuck...

She leaves.

They stand there.

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SCENE

Fulton enters with a manuscript in

hand.

GORDON
Nine-twenty-three. She is very late.

FULTON
I don’t even know if she’s coming.

GORDON
Okay.
(Beat.)
What are these?

He picks up a brochure.

FULTON
Brochures. I picked them up.

GORDON
For Teachers’ College. For Dana.

FULTON
Yeah.

GORDON
Hmm.
(Beat.)
What’s this?

FULTON
It’s the wedding invitation - for L.A.

GORDON
Oh. Tonight you will ask Dana to go to Los Angeles with you?

FULTON
I don’t know. No. I don’t know.

GORDON
Okay. It is in limbo.
(Beat.)
Not the party dance.

He points to Fulton’s lap.

GORDON (cont’d)
And that?

FULTON
It’s a draft.

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GORDON
A draft of what?

FULTON
A graphic novel.

GORDON
Whose graphic novel?

Beat.

GORDON (cont'd)
Oh. Rhonda.

Beat.

FULTON
It’s work. Okay? I’m editing it for her. If we’re going to
sit here and wait, I’m going to get some work done.

GORDON
Okay.
(Beat.)
Well, on the plus side, Rhonda has excellent, pointy nipples.
That is what you said.

Fulton shakes his head.

GORDON (cont’d)
And she will already be in Los Angeles. For the wedding.
And she will know Jack and Wendy.

FULTON
John.

GORDON
John and Wendy. Rhonda does know them. You will not have to
make small talk and introduce everyone to Dana.

Beat.

GORDON (cont’d)
She has a scar. On her forehead. In her hairline. When her
hair gets wet, it looks very bad.

FULTON
She was in a car accident.

GORDON
Oh.
(Beat.)
Is she okay?

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FULTON
Yeah.

GORDON
Does it still hurt?

FULTON
I don’t know. Probably not. It was years ago.

GORDON
She takes pills.

FULTON
Huh?

GORDON
I saw her.

FULTON
When?

GORDON
Last week at the pool. Not the first time she came, but last
week, I did see her take pills.

FULTON
What kind of pills?

GORDON
White pills.

FULTON
What kind of white pills?

GORDON
Small white pills.

FULTON
Did you ask her about them?

GORDON
No.

FULTON
So, how do you even know they were pills? How do you know
they weren’t vitamins? Or aspirin? Or birth control?

GORDON
That is possible.

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FULTON
Yeah, it’s possible, so just give her some space, okay? Fuck
- just because she came to watch you dive doesn’t mean that
you can start, you know, interfering in her life.

GORDON
I did not interfere.

FULTON
Okay. Good.

GORDON
Okay.

FULTON
So just drop it.

GORDON
Okay.

Beat.

GORDON (cont’d)
I took the liberty of writing down some talking points for -

The buzzer rings. Fulton goes to it.

FULTON
Yeah. Come on up.

GORDON
Okay. It is Dana.

FULTON
Yeah.

GORDON
Okay... finally. I have been very worried.

Gordon goes to the door and opens it.

He looks downstairs, then looks back,
worried.

GORDON (cont’d)
Okay. She is... she is coming.

Dana enters, wobbly.

FULTON
Hey.

DANA
Sorry. I’m really sorry.

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GORDON
Hello Dana.

DANA
I just... I’m late. I know. I’m sorry.

FULTON
Are you okay?

DANA
Yeah. Just - I’m sorry.

She kisses him, sloppily.

GORDON
Perhaps I should go.

FULTON
Yeah... thanks.

Gordon leaves.

DANA
Sorry...

She collapses onto the couch.

FULTON
Are you okay?

DANA
Will you just come here please? I’m...
(Beat.)
Please...

FULTON
What the fuck is going on?

DANA
Stop. Please.

FULTON
Dana. What the hell is -

DANA
Just sit.

FULTON
No. Come on. I... you - I’ve been calling you all week -
and now - I mean, you’re an hour and half late.

DANA
I’m late.

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FULTON
That’s all you have to say? I fucking called you - I -

DANA
You know what? Yeah. Thanks. Thank you for all your phone
messages, Fulton. What a huge help it was to know that you
were -

FULTON
That’s not -

DANA
Wahhh - everything’s fine - oh, look at this!

FULTON
What?

She holds up the brochures.

DANA
Gordon get these for me?

FULTON
No. I did.

DANA
Oh. Well, then, you win!

FULTON
This isn’t - what?

DANA
You win. You’re the best. The king of brochures and
voicemails.

FULTON
Dana. Stop.

DANA
You’re a fucking saint in a cheap-ass H&M shirt. You’re the
god of nice fuzzy fucking feelings. You’re the, the, the...
best. Just the best.

FULTON
Are you high?

DANA
Am I high? What does that exactly mean?

FULTON
Are you high. You know what / it means.

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DANA
Don’t look at me like that.

FULTON
You’re on drugs.

DANA
I’m - yes! I’m on drugs - boy genius Fulton Ditmer,
everyone!

FULTON
Dana. I don’t know what to say to you right now - I -

DANA
Of course / you don’t!

FULTON
I’m trying - I want to help, but -

DANA
I don’t need your help! I don’t need your fucking charity
bullshit help! Okay? I don’t want to - you run out of
toilet paper or eggs and it’s a national fucking emergency!
You write comic books for fuck’s sake! Okay? Comic books! I
don’t expect you to - you see the difference?

FULTON
What the hell are you on?

DANA
Percodan. Morphine sometimes. / Demerol.

FULTON
Morphine? That’s serious shit, Dana!

DANA
You mad?

FULTON
Yes.

DANA
/ You mad at me?

FULTON
No. / Yes.

DANA
/ Get mad.

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FULTON
I don’t know. What am I supposed to do? I was worried - I
was really fucking worried, okay? Where were you? You just
dropped off the face of the earth. Where were you.

DANA
I’m sorry. I was really busy carting a chicken carcass all
over town.

FULTON
What?

DANA
My mother, you fucking asshole - back and forth to the
hospital - that’s my - to Greenhill, to Walgreens and Wal-
Mart, and - and she smells like greasy holy hell, like iron,
like puke and shit -

FULTON
I’m sorry -

DANA
Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth - and, and,
and - it’s not cancer. It’s not some excusable disease
that’s landed on her by chance - it’s not some unlucky,
horrible thing that people will feel sorry about - I mean,
they... it’s... she’s just skin and bones and velcro shoes
and, and, and...
(Beat.)
And I did that. I did that to her.

FULTON
It was an accident.

DANA
Yeah. And it was an accident that I didn’t call you back.

Silence.

FULTON
I...

DANA
What...

FULTON
Nothing. Come here.

He reaches over to her.

Lights fade.

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SCENE VII

Gordon enters, a towel wrapped around

his head like a turban.

Dana follows, carrying a gym bag.

Gordon is very exercised.

GORDON
It is not an acceptable way to behave!

DANA
Gordon, please calm down.

GORDON
I will not calm down! That woman was / not -

DANA
I know - but -

GORDON
You know what I am going to do? I will - next week, I will
teach that boy - Stewart - Stewart is his name - I will teach
him the Double Knife Stance and then -

DANA
The what?

GORDON
It is a martial arts defense maneuver. You must have learned
it in your class.

DANA
I’m only beginning -

GORDON
The Double Knife Stance is an essential component to the
Karate defense, and it is particularly effective against a
larger adversary. I can tell you, Dana, that if I had known
about it as a child I would have spared myself a great deal
of misfortune. Stewart can learn it, and when his mother
comes at him with her fists flying, he can protect himself.

DANA
The - okay. Good. I think that’s a good idea. But Gordon,
you can’t just grab someone and -

GORDON
She was grabbing him! And hitting him!

DANA
But he’s her kid - it’s different / when it’s your own -

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GORDON
False! It is not different. It hurts just the same!

DANA
But the laws are / written in -

GORDON
I am not discussing laws right now, Dana! I am discussing
the feelings of a nice boy who made a small mistake!

DANA
Okay. But Gord - okay - Gord - look at me - next time - it
would be best to just quietly and calmly talk to the mother
and, you know, express your feelings. Without grabbing her.

Long beat.

DANA (cont’d)
Okay? Hey...

GORDON
You are saying that I sank to her level.

DANA
Sort of.

GORDON
Okay. True.
(Beat.)
But in this situation, do you agree with her, or do you agree
with me?

DANA
I...

GORDON
Because maybe you do not know what it is like to be Stewart.
But Dana, I do know.

She nods.

GORDON (cont’d)
I have never met your mother, and I know that she is not
capable of doing this right now, I realize, but -

DANA
Hmf.

GORDON
- but children cannot stand up for themselves, and if we do
not do it - if I do not do it - who will protect children, if
not us? I like to take care of people.
(MORE)

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GORDON (cont'd)
I am sure that you can think of times when you needed help.
Or maybe you cannot think of times like that.

She can.

Beat.

GORDON (cont’d)
I apologize. I do apologize.

Beat.

GORDON (cont’d)
Um. Yes. Well, those are nice flowers. Whose flowers are
those?

She looks at the tag.

DANA
Mine, I guess.

GORDON
Oh.

DANA
Fulton and I... you know... Friday night was - we had a,
well, not a fight, really... anyway, I’m making dinner
tonight - and I guess he bought me -

Gordon looks at them.

GORDON
Is there a toothbrush among them?

DANA
A what?

GORDON
A toothbrush.

DANA
Gordon - what the hell are you -

GORDON
A toothbrush.

DANA
I have no idea.

He goes over to the flowers.

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GORDON
Yes. Yes there is. An Oral-B Advantage Control Grip.
Purple.

Dana follows.

DANA
What the hell?

Beat. She plucks it out.

GORDON
It is purple.

DANA
Yes it is.

GORDON
Like a bruise.

DANA
Yeah. I... um...

She holds up the toothbrush and nudges

him.

DANA (cont'd)
What the hell is this all about?

GORDON
Well. It was in the flowers, pointing straight up. And the
chances are very small that a toothbrush would land in a
flower arrangement in just such a way.
(Beat.)
The evidence points to a premeditated act.

DANA
Uhuh.

GORDON
And, as Fulton is the one who gave you the flowers...

DANA
Uhuh.

GORDON
And as he did the same thing for Rhonda...

DANA
Uh...huh... Rhonda...

GORDON
Yes. I would suggest that he is our number one suspect.

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DANA
Right. Huh.
(Beat.)
So - tell me about this Rhonda.

GORDON
Rhonda Sparelli. She is a graphic novelist.... I think I
should -

DANA
Wait a second -

GORDON
I do not want my swimming trunks to get mildewed.

DANA
Okay, but - Gord - wait - you never finished telling me about
summer camp - you could hang your trunks in the bathroom here
- I’m going to start making some dinner - and you could keep
me company - I want to know the end of the story - okay?

GORDON
Okay.

He exits.

Dana begins preparing the salad.

She mutters to herself.

Gordon reenters.

GORDON (cont’d)
Excuse me?

DANA
Nothing. Just talking to myself.

GORDON
I do that, too.

DANA
I know... crazy right?

GORDON
No. Just lonely.

Fulton enters.

Gordon takes a step back.

FULTON
Hey guys.

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DANA
Hey.

GORDON
Nice flowers.

FULTON
Thanks.

Fulton looks at Dana.

FULTON (cont’d)
So....

GORDON
So....

FULTON
How was the pool?

GORDON
Not good. I grabbed Stewart’s mom.

FULTON
...

DANA
It wasn’t a big deal. We just - there was this kid - and
Gordon was protecting him.

GORDON
I was.

FULTON
Throw-down at the pool... sounds exciting.

GORDON
My hands were shaking after.

Fulton kisses Dana.

DANA
Thanks for the flowers.

FULTON
Thanks for dinner...

GORDON
What are you having?

FULTON
Looks like salad.

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GORDON
Salad. You are not a vegetarian, Dana.

DANA
No.

GORDON
Protein is important.

DANA
The salad has chicken in it.

GORDON
Oh.
(Beat.)
Bird flu.

FULTON
What?

GORDON
Regular citizens must be vigilant. I watch the pigeons in
the park.

FULTON
For what?

GORDON
Signs of flu.

FULTON
Like puking?

GORDON
No.

DANA
Well, I’m going to cook the shit out of it, so I think we’ll
be okay.

GORDON
The supermarket is becoming a terribly risky place. Mad cow,
fish-farm salmon, bird flu, salmonella, trichinosis, mercury
tuna, e-coli -

DANA
We’ll be okay. Hey - we’re going to be okay.

GORDON
I am only trying to help.

FULTON
It’s cool. But... ah...

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Fulton takes a moment with him.

FULTON (cont'd)
We kind of planned to do the whole romantic thing tonight...
table for two. We rented Casablanca.

GORDON
Oh. Well - of course. Why didn’t you say something? I...
Casablanca...
(To Dana.)
Well - the ravioli was excellent at lunch, Dana. I must say.
Truly delicious. And I certainly don’t need to eat here two
times in a row. That would be a little much. So, I’m going
to leave you two to your chicken and salad... you washed the
mushrooms, I hope?

DANA
Check.

GORDON
Okay. That’s good, then.
(He turns to go.)
I need to retrieve my swimming trunks.

FULTON
All good...

Gordon slips off.

Fulton and Dana kiss.

Gordon reenters.

GORDON
Okay. Good.Right.
(Beat.)
Well, then, goodnight all.

FULTON
‘Night man.

DANA
‘Night Gordon.

GORDON
Goodnight Dana. Brush your teeth.

He exits.

FULTON
Seriously, sometimes I swear he’s C3PO’s love child or
something.

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DANA
Yeah, well.

FULTON
You okay?

DANA
Yeah. Great. I got a brand new toothbrush and everything.

FULTON
(Smiling.)
Oh, you noticed that, did you?

DANA
Who’s Rhonda?

FULTON
Ha. Nobody.

DANA
Nobody?

FULTON
No. Yes. Just a chick I used to date.

DANA
Used to?

FULTON
Yeah.

DANA
You sure?

FULTON
Yeah. She’s a - we’re like work friends... she’s in the
industry.

DANA
She go to the thrash sessions?

FULTON
Yeah... sometimes. When she’s in town.

DANA
Yeah?

FULTON
Yeah.
(Beat.)
Hey. Seriously. She’s done. Like history. Like the
dinosaurs. Extinct. Like Merlot. Hey. She’s a fuckin’
dinosaur. You’re a - you - I mean, god, don’t worry about -

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DANA
You give her a toothbrush?

FULTON
Um. Sure.

DANA
Hmm.

FULTON
But it was a Duane Reade toothbrush. Totally ghetto. I mean,
I don’t know if you noticed, but I went all out on this
little bad boy here...

He shows her.

FULTON (cont'd)
...purple... with a bendy neck... and the bristles are
soft... so... so... soft... it’s like brushing your teeth
with a baby’s bum.

DANA
What’s the story?

FULTON
Nothing. You just take the baby, turn him over and open your
mouth... no... there’s no story... it’s like an invitation.

DANA
To do what?

FULTON
I don’t know - stay.

DANA
You want me to stay? Like stay stay?

FULTON
Yeah. Why... is that weird?

DANA
It’s only weird if this is the seventeenth time you’ve pulled
this cutesy-bullshit routine with the flowers and the
toothbrush.

FULTON
This isn’t about a toothbrush, Dane.

DANA
What’s it about?

FULTON
You moving in.

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DANA
I can’t move in. In case you’ve forgotten, I have a mother
in a fucking wheelchair in Brewster.

FULTON
I know. God, calm down.

DANA
No. It’s just, I can’t up and move because you give me a
fucking toothbrush.

FULTON
Fine. Sorry. I’ll take it back.

DANA
No. It’s just - no - I thought we discussed this. I can’t
run out on my mom.

FULTON
I’m not asking you to run out on your mom, okay? / Don’t
twist this around.

DANA
No?

FULTON
No. I’m not. I’m just saying - maybe we could try to work
something out. You could move some stuff in here - maybe I
could take some of the money from the book and - I don’t know
- maybe pay for an extra day for the nurse - I’m just saying -
there are / options to consider.

DANA
I don’t know.
(Beat.)
I...

Beat.

FULTON
(Under his breath.)
I give up.

DANA
What?

FULTON
Whatever. This isn’t about your mother.

DANA
This is about my mother, okay - fuck you - you don’t know
what you’re talking about.

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FULTON
This isn’t about your mother - you’re just scared. / Admit
it. You’re scared.

DANA
Uhuh. Whatever.

FULTON
You pretend to be all fuckin’ - I don’t know - you pretend to
be such a hard-ass, but you know - you’re kind of a pussy.

DANA
/ Did you just -

FULTON
Whatever - sorry, but - I mean, Jesus - you know - for weeks
and weeks I’ve been going out of my head here, falling in
love with you, and - fuck that - I am in love with you - and
all you’ve been doing is running away, apparently, getting
high and feeling sorry for yourself, behind my back.

DANA
I...

FULTON
So, yeah, you know, move in - don’t move in - do what you
want - but don’t go back home and put the blame on your
mother. It’s the drugs and the secretive bullshit that’s
keeping you from taking that toothbrush - not her.

DANA
Secretive bullshit? Wait - what the fuck is that about?

FULTON
I’m just saying - you tell Gordon things and you / don’t tell
me -

DANA
He asks! He asks a million fucking questions!

FULTON
Whatever.

Fulton appears to be done.

DANA
Like what? Like what do I tell Gordon? Tell me.

FULTON
The school thing.

DANA
He asked. Directly. Is that all?

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FULTON
You told him you like custard.

Dana looks at him.

FULTON (cont’d)
Look - whatever - forget it - all I’m asking you do to is
recognize that what we have here might be something really
fucking good. Like the real thing, you know. If you’d stop
running away. Putting shit between us.
(Beat.)
So, just, for one second, open your eyes and consider it.
That’s all I’m saying. Please. That’s all.

Beat.

DANA
I have. Considered it...

FULTON
Yeah?

DANA
I... I... this is big, for me. You know... so just please be
patient. I just need a little time, okay? I’m - I’ve been
making some bad decisions... I have - it’s got nothing to do
with - well - just... it’s... this is good. I know this is
good. And I... I’m sorry if I made - if it seemed like I
wasn’t - really here. I am. And I’m sorry I didn’t tell you
things. I do like custard. And salt water taffy... just so
you know.
(Beat.)
And I’m working on - the drugs - the - from this point
forward, I promise - I don’t want to be that person, you
know? I don’t. I hate the... ugh... The point is that I do
want to be - like how I am here... I feel - I want to be
here...okay?

Beat.

DANA (cont’d)
Okay?

FULTON
Yeah.

They kiss.

FULTON (cont’d)
And, I’m sorry. You know, take your time - and if you don’t
like the toothbrush, you can absolutely feel free to bring
your own ghetto-ass toothbrush.

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DANA
No. I’ll use this one. Save it.

FULTON
Done.

DANA
But... when it - when I come for real, I’ll be bringing my
own pillow.

FULTON
You don’t like my pillows?

DANA
They’re fine. But I have one that - it’s blue. Small. From
when I was a kid... nevermind.

FULTON
You don’t like my pillows. / They smell like pickles.

DANA
No. I like your pillows.... no, they smell like you.

FULTON
And that’s good...

DANA
Yes. Dumbass, that’s good.

FULTON
‘cause somebody once told me I smelled like burnt toast.
(Beat. Dana looks at him.)
Yeah...and um, hey... I relly don’t mean to push things...
I’m just - yeah - sorry to spring the whole love thing on
you....

DANA
No. It’s good.

FULTON
Yeah. Sort of. Sorry... I just -

DANA
Yeah.

FULTON
Anyway. Sorry to rush it. I just - I felt it, so I said it.

DANA
It’s okay.

She gets up.

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DANA (cont’d)
‘cause, I, um, feel the same way.

FULTON
Wait - what?

DANA
Whoa...I need to finish the salad.

FULTON
No - no - fuck the salad. Fuck the salad. You come back
here.

DANA
No. I have -

He catches her.

FULTON
What did you say?

DANA
You heard me.

FULTON
No - no - I think I didn’t. You’d better repeat it. Like
right now.

She whispers something in his ear.

FULTON (cont'd)
I’m sorry. It’s going to have to be louder.

DANA
(Whispered.)
I love you.

FULTON
Say it. Say it again, loud.

DANA
You say it.

FULTON
I already did. I love you. Say it again -

DANA
I love you.

FULTON
I love you - hoo... No shit... you love me...

He kisses her.

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DANA
Yeah.

FULTON
...holy shit! ... hoo...

He stands up on the couch and starts...

DANA
Oh no... what are you doing?

...singing Be With You, by Mr. Big.

FULTON
I’m the one who wants to...

DANA
Please stop...

FULTON
... be with you....

DANA
Oh... my... god.

FULTON
Deep inside I hope you feel it, too...

DANA
Please stop.

FULTON
Feel it, too......

DANA
Stop singing - STOP SINGING!

They kiss.

Lights fade.

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SCENE

Fulton works.

A knock.

FULTON
Come in.

Gordon enters, carrying mail.

GORDON
Hello.

FULTON
Hey Gord.

GORDON
Well. This is distressing.

FULTON
What’s up?

GORDON
Another card from Ronda.

FULTON
It’s fine.

GORDON
She is like a badger. Badgers do not give up.

Fulton smiles.

FULTON
It’s fine. Really. It’s probably just a thank you for
editing her draft.

GORDON
It is not very common that thank you notes include pictures
of a vagina.

Fulton laughs.

FULTON
She’s a little - well, you know how she is.

GORDON
Yes. She is like a badger. With a vagina.

FULTON
She’s a little bit of a badgina. Uhuh.

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GORDON
Pardon?

FULTON
Nevermind.

Beat. He throws the mail on the table.

GORDON
And this weekend?

FULTON
What about it?

GORDON
Is Dana coming in?

FULTON
Actually, we’ve decided to take a trip.

GORDON
Oh.
(Beat.)
And Los Angeles? Is there perhaps any new, updated
information on the Los Angeles trip?

FULTON
Yeah, well...

Beat.

GORDON
I did see the letter from your father.

Beat.

GORDON (cont’d)
I am often, as you know, in the basement when Luis is sorting
the mail.

FULTON
Right.

GORDON
What did it say?

FULTON
He said he’d meet me for a beer in LAX.

Gordon is perplexed.

FULTON (cont’d)
He said yes.

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Gordon points at him then and leaves.

Fulton waits.

Gordon reenters, carrying a book.

GORDON
I have been checking this book out of the library for - well,
for some time now - in the hopes that your father would
respond in the affirmative. I think it might be helpful.
Chapter three, in particular.

FULTON
Thanks.

GORDON
I can renew it three more times.

FULTON
Great. Thanks. I’ll take a look.

GORDON
And will Dana be accompanying you?

FULTON
It’s a lot, I think. We’re, um, kind of moving slowly...

GORDON
Travel can put considerable strain on a relationship.

FULTON
Uhuh.

GORDON
But do not worry. She does seem to like you... a lot.

FULTON
Yeah...

GORDON
Definitely. And she does enjoy my diving. She said so.

FULTON
I know.

Beat.

GORDON
Um. I could get those books on Kamasutra. For your romantic
weekend.

FULTON
No, I think we’ll be okay.

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Beat.

Gordon looks off.

GORDON
Perhaps I should install the carbon monoxide detector while
you are out of town this weekend.

FULTON
Sure.

GORDON
Okay. I can do that.

Beat.

FULTON
Hey... Gord... listen... you were right. About the pills.

GORDON
She does take pills.

FULTON
She... I know. I’m sorry I snapped at you. She does take
pills.

GORDON
For pain?

FULTON
... yeah.

GORDON
From the accident.

FULTON
Uhuh.

Beat.

GORDON
Fulton. Do you think she was taking pills when she drove her
car off the road?

Fulton stops.

FULTON
No.

GORDON
Good.

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FULTON
I think she... she had injuries. She was in pain, so she
started taking pills. It was a bad accident.

GORDON
People do become addicted to painkiller pills sometimes,
after an accident. It does happen frequently.

FULTON
Yeah.

GORDON
I hope you have an excellent weekend.

FULTON
Thanks.

Lights fade.

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SCENE VIII

The lights come up on Gordon, sitting

on the couch, tea in hand. A paper bag
is at his feet. Dana enters.

GORDON
If you do not want to come today, you do not have to. You
could take a rain check.

DANA
What?

GORDON
If you are too tired or if you have other plans with Fulton,
you may take a rain check.

DANA
What? I want to. Okay? I want to come. I haven’t seen you
in two weeks.

GORDON
I know. I thought perhaps you had lost your passion for
diving.

DANA
No. I totally - my passion is, um, intact.

GORDON
You like it. Even if my dives are crooked.

DANA
I love your crooked dives.

GORDON
You have already come a lot. A lot, a lot. The most of
anyone.

DANA
Well, see, there. I’m the record-holder. I’m like the
number one freaking fan of Sunday morning diving at the Y.

GORDON
Afternoon.

DANA
Right - whatever. I’m the fucking record-holder.

GORDON
You are the reigning champion.

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Gordon drinks.

GORDON (cont'd)
This is good tea. Thank you.

DANA
Don’t thank me - you brought it.

GORDON
I know. I brought good tea.

She sips, dissatisfied.

DANA
Yeah. Umm... I need coffee.

Gordon pulls out a large coffee.

GORDON
Will this do?

DANA
What is that - is that coffee?

GORDON
True.

DANA
You’re a nut - what did you do - get both?

GORDON
True.

He pulls out four more cups.

GORDON (cont'd)
Caffe Latte. Americano. Chai. Moccacino.

She laughs.

DANA
Thanks, Gord.

She kisses him on the cheek quickly.

DANA (cont'd)
You’re a doll.

GORDON
False.

DANA
What?

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GORDON
I am not a doll.

DANA
I know - not really - it’s a figure of speech.

GORDON
It’s a manner of talking that dehumanizes the subject in
question.

DANA
/ Uhuh?

GORDON
With people who are different than ourselves, we must resist
the temptation to dehumanize them. We must have tolerance.
That’s what Martin Luther King was trying to tell us. By us,
I mean the white people. Black, Jewish and Japanese people
already knew about this kind of tolerance from having been
chained to trees, showered with gas, and bombed by nuclear
bombs. Respectively.

DANA
Huh. I never... um... I never thought of it that way.

GORDON
It is a drastic oversimplification... but I am an original
thinker.

DANA
Yes you are.
(Beat.)
I like it.

GORDON
Did I already tell you the story of when I fell off / the
horse at -

DANA
Fell off the horse at camp – yes. But you can tell it again.
I don’t mind.

GORDON
Well… it is a sad story. My parents did not come to visit
me. I was only ten.

DANA
I know.

GORDON
I don’t like to repeat myself.

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DANA
It’s okay.

GORDON
Thank you. That’s a nice thing to say. I feel it would be
selfish to talk about horses when you are in a mood about
Fulton.

DANA
In a - what are you talking about?

GORDON
There was a great deal of shenanigans last night.

DANA
Oh...mmm... yeah. Sorry.

GORDON
Nine point two on the Richter Scale. Ha.

DANA
Sorry. We’re... um... we were having a good time.

Pause.

GORDON
The story about the horse is not terribly exciting. And you
already know the end.

DANA
Yeah. You spend a week in the infirmary. Your parents call
once, but you’re asleep. The nurse was named Dorothy, like
in -

GORDON
Wizard of Oz. Yes. Are you going to get married?

DANA
I don’t know.

GORDON
And babies?

DANA
Well, ha / slow down there -

GORDON
I used to go to church, but not anymore. Now I go diving.
I am pro-choice, and pro contraception, just so that you
don’t feel ill at ease.

DANA
Uhuh.

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She starts to laugh.

GORDON
I’m going to put you in my speed dial.

DANA
Good. Do that.

GORDON
Yes. I will.
(Beat.)
Not now. Later.

DANA
Okay.
(Beat.)
Hey Fulton - what’s the deal? Gordon’s here - we’re
waiting...

Fulton enters, coming from the bedroom.

FULTON
Hey - sorry. I was looking for my notes.

GORDON
I brought some tea. And other assorted beverages.

FULTON
Nice. Thanks.

Fulton picks one up.

FULTON (cont'd)
Okay... so, ideas?

GORDON
Did you read chapter three?

FULTON
Not yet - I thought I’d knock it out on the plane.

GORDON
Procrastination. That did not work very well in Rwanda...

Gordon stands.

GORDON (cont’d)
But anyway. Your father may be nervous. Therefore I think
you should let him speak first.

FULTON
Okay.

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GORDON
And you should be non-threatening in your body language.

FULTON
What’s that mean?

GORDON
Maintain an open stance. Use appropriate eye contact, don’t
stare, and respect his personal space. That’s important.
Two to three feet is culturally appropriate.

FULTON
Okay.

GORDON
And I think you should be patient.

FULTON
/ Cool.

DANA
Wait - I... um... I think you should at least ask him some
questions - I mean, about him just ditching your mom and you -
you should see if he’s got anything to say for himself.

FULTON
Yeah.

DANA
And all these notes and books and pages of stuff... I think
it’s great/ but I think -

FULTON
But you think I’m overdoing it.

GORDON
Preparation is important.

DANA
Yeah, but I mean, what’s the point of being all worked up
about it - you’ve made it this far without him - you’re a
total success. Look at it this way: you’re out there for a
wedding. He’s just a sidebar - fuck him - just show up and
talk.

FULTON
Yeah. Okay... but I need to plan it out a little. I’ve
tracked him down and written like a half-dozen letters asking
to meet him - I’m going to look kind of stupid if I don’t
have something, you know, substantial to say.

DANA
Okay... yeah. But just, I mean, be cool about it.

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GORDON
Yeah. Be cool about it. Cool and Nonthreatening.

DANA
But don’t wimp out... I mean - he wants to meet you in an
airport for Christ's sake. He might be an asshole.

GORDON
Perhaps he’s a pilot.

FULTON
Maybe he’s an asshole and a pilot.

He tosses the pad away with a smile.

FULTON (cont'd)
Okay - whatever. It’s fine. Dane - you’re right. I’ll be
cool. We’ll just talk. I’ll drink my beer, shake his hand
and get on the plane.

DANA
Right.

FULTON
Right.

GORDON
Right. Go team.

FULTON
So what’s up? You guys going to the Y this afternoon?

DANA
Yep.

GORDON
You could come too, Fulton.

FULTON
I’ve got my session, but maybe we could meet up after.

GORDON
We could meet you at Willie’s.

FULTON
The burger joint?

GORDON
Yes. They have big baskets of fries.

FULTON
Okay.

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GORDON
And while we are talking about meetings, I have another
invitation that I would like to extend.

Beat. Gordon waits for the go ahead.

They stare at him.

DANA
What is it?

GORDON
Thank you. It is a classical music concert. One of my
fellow employees at the library is playing the violin in a
church concert next weekend. Saturday the 18th of May.

FULTON
Sounds good, Gord, but - ahm - I’m going to be in LA.

GORDON
Of course. Sorry. I forgot. And Dana?

DANA
My mom’s got another procedure on Wednesday, but... you
know... I’m around.

GORDON
I see... will you be available on Saturday night? Post-
concert refreshments will be provided. Wine and cheese.

DANA
Um, yeah. Probably. I could take off in the late afternoon.
(To Fulton.)
Is that cool?

FULTON
Totally. For sure. Come in. I’ll give you the key. Hang
out. I’ll be back Sunday morning.

DANA
We can do brunch.

FULTON
I’m not brunch people, okay?

DANA GORDON
Okay. Okay... Brunch
man...

FULTON (cont’d)
Okay, shut up. Would a brunch man have a poster of eight
different types of shit hanging over his toilet? Huh? Does
that seem very brunchy to you?

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DANA
Yeah. Actually, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that
poster.

FULTON
What’s wrong with my poster...

DANA
I’m just saying... don’t look at me if it mysteriously
disappears while you’re gone...

FULTON
I’ve had that poster since college.

DANA
You’re not in college any more.

GORDON
It is a gross poster.

FULTON
Hey - nobody asked you.

GORDON
You have poop on your wall.
(Beat.)
Eight kinds of cartoon poop.

Beat.

FULTON
Okay... maybe it should come down. You want to take it down?

GORDON
Yes.

DANA
Uhuh.

FULTON
Okay - fine. The poop comes down. We’ll take the poster
down...

Lights fade.

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SCENE BB

Evening.

Dana paces, a mickey of vodka in hand.

She’s been crying.

Gordon enters.

GORDON
Yes?

DANA
Sit down.

GORDON
Please.

DANA
What?

GORDON
Sit down, please.

DANA
Shut up.

Gordon sits.

DANA (cont’d)
What the fuck is this?

She throws a card down.

DANA (cont’d)
Huh?

GORDON
That?

DANA
Yeah, that.

GORDON
It is a card.

DANA
It is a card. Yeah. Yeah. It is a card.

GORDON
Yes.

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DANA
She lives in L.A? / The postage is from L.A.

GORDON
I do not think that I -

DANA
Don’t fucking lie to me! Don’t you fucking cover for him!

GORDON
I am not lying, Dana. I am -

DANA
She lives in Los Angeles, Gordon! Yes or no!

GORDON
Yes.

DANA
And it says right here - I’m so excited to see you at the
wedding.

GORDON
Yes.

DANA
And there’s a picture of - I mean, Jesus Christ - and there’s
a second one in there - I fucking / should’ve known -

GORDON
Dana. There is something that -

DANA
I don’t really care - this is unbelievable. You suck - you
and him and everything - fucking bullshit - all of this -

GORDON
Fulton was thinking of inviting you / to the -

DANA
Whatever. Whatever. I don’t want to hear what he was
thinking of doing! He’s at the wedding with - am I wrong?
Tell me I’m wrong!

GORDON
You are not wrong.

DANA
And he’s probably - she’s -

She picks up the card.

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DANA (cont’d)
I can’t wait to taste your - god, I can’t even read this!

She throws it down.

DANA (cont’d)
He’s probably fucking her right now! I mean, tell me I’m
being ridiculous! Tell me I’m making all this up. Huh?

GORDON
Dana. I think we would be best to -

DANA
I’m such an idiot. I’m such a fucking complete idiot.

She goes off.

GORDON
I think we should talk about this. Stay here and sit on the
couch and we can talk about this, and then we can / go to the
concert -

She comes back with her bag, heading

out.

DANA
I need to leave.

GORDON
Where - but we -

DANA
I feel sick. This whole fucking thing makes me sick.

She exits.

Gordon is alone.

Silence.

He fixes the couch.

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SCENE IX

Darkness. After a beat, Gordon enters,

carrying Dana, who is in rough shape.
He sets her down on the couch and then
goes off. Sounds of toilet.

DANA
Uhn.

He reenters and turns on a light.

She is bleeding from the mouth a

little.

DANA (cont'd)
Fuckin’ shit.

She sits up, waking up.

GORDON
Would you like some tea?

DANA
No.
(Beat.)
Yes.

He goes to the stove.

DANA (cont'd)
What the fuck is going on?

GORDON
You were sleeping on the stairs.

DANA
Oh.

Beat.

GORDON
There are several substances which are on the list of - well
they are against the law and are therefore against building
codes of conduct.

DANA
What?

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GORDON
The pills. There are several substances -

DANA
Oh fuck Gordon - I don’t need a lecture, okay? My head
hurts.

GORDON
I am just informing -

DANA
Yeah well, shut up.

Long beat. The water is put on the

stove.

DANA (cont'd)
Sorry.

GORDON
I was worried about you. You are bleeding.

DANA
Oh well...

GORDON
And you have some - marks on your.... Bruises.

DANA
I know.

GORDON
Are you okay?

DANA
No. No, I’m not.

GORDON
I can help you.

DANA
No you can’t. You can’t.

Beat.

GORDON
I was never in any horseback riding accidents. My bruises
were from people.

Nothing.

GORDON (cont’d)
Perhaps if you just talked for -

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DANA
There’s nothing to talk about, Gordon.

GORDON
Perhaps we could find the men who did this and -

DANA
Ha!

GORDON
I could go to the -

DANA
And what would you tell them, Gordon?

GORDON
I - I...

DANA
Where are my pills?

GORDON
I put them in the toilet.

DANA
What?

GORDON
I like to help people.

DANA
Oh - Gordon - fuck - this is so out of your league.
Seriously. I appreciate the gesture, but this is beyond you -

GORDON
People just need company, Dana. It can be easier with
someone who shares -

Dana has picked up a card.

DANA
Company? Fuck company - how is company going to fix this
shit?

GORDON
I know / that you are upset -

DANA
Fulton’s cock in Rhonda’s mouth - how does company fix that?
Huh? It can’t, okay.

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GORDON
I’m sorry you found that.
(Beat.)
I will make some tea and we can just talk. And then tomorrow
we will go to the YMCA.
(Beat.)
Sundays are my favorite day of the week.

DANA
I fucking hate Sundays.

Beat. He brings over a warm cloth and

gently offers to clean her mouth - she
pushes him away.

GORDON
The concert was very good tonight.

She realizes she has skipped the date.

GORDON (cont'd)
I waited for you until the very last minute.

DANA
Well, fuck me, I forgot.

GORDON
I had to sit at the back because all the seats were taken.

DANA
Well Gordon - that’s just too bad.

GORDON
It was nice. I listened. And thought about you.

She lets him wipe her mouth.

GORDON (cont'd)
Just about you.

Beat.

He leans in and kisses her.

Awkward moment. She stares straight

ahead.

GORDON (cont'd)
And the marks on your back? Where were you tonight?

Long beat.

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DANA
Gordon. Look. I’m not a normal person. Okay?

GORDON
I am not a normal person either.

DANA
Yeah, but you’re good. You’ve got a good heart - and you fit
in with people. People like you.

GORDON
I eat my lunch by myself every day.

DANA
That’s not what I mean -

GORDON
I eat my dinner alone in front of the television.

DANA
I’m not talking about being lonely -

GORDON
I have had sexual intercourse with eight prostitutes. It’s
my birthday present each year.

DANA
...

GORDON
Where were you tonight?

DANA
I - Gordon - it’s like...

GORDON
I love you Dana.

DANA
Don’t say that.

GORDON
I do. I do love you. So I can say it.

DANA
Just don’t.

GORDON
Where were you tonight?

DANA
Why?

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GORDON
I want to know.

DANA
You want / what? Why?

GORDON
I am in love with you. When you love somebody, you want to
know everything.

DANA
Don’t say that.

Long beat.

GORDON
I will wait all night.

DANA
You don’t want -

He kisses her again.

DANA (cont'd)
Oh fuck, Gordon... you don’t love me - you don’t even know me
-

GORDON
I do know you.

DANA
Yeah? You know that there’s this guy - this, whatever - and
he lives downtown and he ties me up and he puts his hands
around my neck and he whips me and he fucks my ass - and
that’s not the half of it - and you know that? And you know
that I like it and I can’t stop thinking about it. Huh? And
for awhile, I thought I could, but it turns out I can’t,
okay? Which... sucks. And I take pills - the hundred bucks
you just flushed down the toilet - I take them because I
don’t feel - whatever - decent - normal. And you know all
that, so okay. There. Now everything’s out on the table.
Now we both know everything - the whole fucking story, okay?
You satisfied? Now leave.

GORDON
Is he your boyfriend?

DANA
No. Fulton’s my boyfriend. Or was. I don’t know.

GORDON
Oh.

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DANA
It’s complicated - like an old boyfriend or an extra
boyfriend.

GORDON
I could be your extra boyfriend.

DANA
No. Gordon, you do diving lessons and you work at the
library, and you’re sweet and - and fuck, I don’t know -
you’re a good person.

GORDON
I am not sweet.

DANA
Yes you are.

GORDON
I go to prostitu -

DANA
So what? So what? Once a year! Who cares?
(Beat.)
Fuck.

GORDON
I’m sorry.

DANA
Oh Jesus Gordon, shut up.

GORDON
Okay. We can just sit here together.

DANA
No we can’t - okay? That’s not going to work for me - you
need to / leave

GORDON
Together we can -

DANA
There is no together. We’re always by ourselves - we’re
always alone. Nobody ever really - we’re always alone, and
the sooner you fucking realize that, the better.

GORDON
I know.

DANA
You don’t know. You have no fucking idea. Please leave.

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GORDON
I do not think that would be a good idea.

DANA
I want to be alone. I’m going to get my shit together and -
I just want to be alone.

GORDON
No. You are -

DANA
Please. Just go away.

GORDON
No.

DANA
Yes. Get the fuck out. I’m going home.

GORDON
No.

He tries to clean her mouth again.

GORDON (cont'd)
I can help you -

DANA
GORDON - FUCK OFF!

GORDON
NO!

DANA
FUCK OFF, YOU FUCKING RETARD - GET OUT!

He grabs her throat.

There is a long beat of silence.

She looks at him.

GORDON
Is this what he does?

She nods.

GORDON (cont'd)
You like it.

She looks down.

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GORDON (cont'd)
Yes.
(Beat.)
You are the most beautiful woman. I think about you.

He lets go.

GORDON (cont'd)
Sorry.

Beat.

DANA
You can put it back.

GORDON
No.

DANA
Do it again. Gordon - you want to.

She kisses him.

His hand comes to her throat.

He grabs.

Lights fade.

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SCENE X

Morning light. Fulton sits, a travel

bag beside him. Dana and Gordon’s
clothes are strewn about.

After a beat Gordon enters, nervously,

boxers on. He quietly picks up his
things.

FULTON
Those are my boxers.
(Beat.)
I said: those are my boxers.

GORDON
Yes.

FULTON
Take them off.

GORDON
No.

FULTON
I said, take them off.

GORDON
I do not have anything -

FULTON
THOSE ARE MY FUCKING CLOTHES! TAKE OFF MY FUCKING CLOTHES!

Gordon hides himself and pulls off the

boxers and then puts his own on.

A door shuts offstage.

FULTON (cont'd)

Gord, what the fuck is going on?

GORDON
I don’t know. I am very confused.

FULTON
That’s not going to cut it.

GORDON
I love Dana.

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FULTON
Uhuh.

GORDON
And she loves -

FULTON
Okay. Sit down.

GORDON
But Fulton - I underst -

FULTON
Just sit the fuck down.

GORDON
I think I should go home.

FULTON
You fucked up really bad - just sit down.

GORDON
Okay.

FULTON
It’s not okay.

FULTON (cont'd)
Dana.
(Beat.)
Dana. I know you’re back there.

DANA (O.S.)
I’m sorry.

FULTON
Come out here.

DANA (O.S.)
Can we -

FULTON
Come out here.

GORDON
Perhaps -

FULTON
Perhaps nothing. Shut your mouth.

Dana appears in the doorway, wearing

Fulton’s shirt.

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DANA
Yeah?

FULTON
Come in here.

DANA
Gordon - you should go home.

FULTON
No. He stays.

DANA
Can we talk alone -

FULTON
No. Gordon and I are sharing a lot these days...

DANA
Nothing / happened.

GORDON
Today is Sunday. I would be very moved / if you both came to
the YMCA.

DANA
/ Gordon...

FULTON
I don’t really give a shit about the fucking YMCA! I want to
know what the hell is going on here!

DANA
Please, Fulton... can we talk somewhere.

FULTON
No. We’re talking here. Say what you have to say. Explain
this. Please.

She points to the card.

DANA
What’s that?

FULTON
Yeah. I wondered how that got out here. You go through my
drawers?

DANA
I was looking for something - who cares - what is it?

FULTON
That’s a picture.

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DANA
Of you.

FULTON
Of me.

DANA
And Rhonda / who was -

FULTON
Yeah. And Rhonda. In Buffalo. Ten months ago. And I have
five or six more - just like it - you find those?

DANA
No.

FULTON
What’s going to happen when you find them? Huh?

DANA
/ Nothing.

FULTON
Every time you get upset you’re going to revenge-fuck one of
my friends? That’s really / fucked up!

DANA
I’m not / going to -

FULTON
No - don’t!

DANA
No - you don’t - fucking - you took her to the wedding!

FULTON
I did not take her to / the wedding.

DANA
She was there! And she was clearly expecting some kind of -

FULTON
Who cares what she was expecting! Fuck that! I didn’t touch
her!

DANA
Bullshit.

FULTON
I didn’t! I spent all night thinking about how much better
the wedding would’ve been if you’d been there with me - I
spent the whole red-eye thinking about how much better
everything would’ve been with you there.
(MORE)
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FULTON (cont'd)
I mean, Jesus, apparently I spent last night thinking about
you - and you spent last night fucking Gordon!

GORDON
/ False.

Fulton tosses a bag at her.

FULTON
Oh. And here’s your salt water taffy.
(Beat.)
You know - it’s really - I can’t even believe this. This is
like some kind of fucking nightmare - I - you know what
happened at the airport?

DANA
/ No.

FULTON
He didn’t show up. The fucker didn’t show. And I thought,
wow - I’m glad Dana had the, the, the, foresight or whatever
to keep this thing in perspective for me. I was like, she
knows what’s up. She knows me. But holy fuck you don’t know
me - not in the slightest - I mean - you think I’d tell you I
love you and then run off to L.A. and fuck some bitch who
can’t keep her pictures to herself? You think that’s the
kind of person I am?

He picks up her underwear.

FULTON (cont’d)
I want you both to leave. And take all your shit with you -
I don’t /

DANA
Fulton -

FULTON
No - get out. I don’t want these reminders that this
fuckfest went on in my apartment - in my own bed, for
christ’s sake.

GORDON
That is not what happened. Fulton.

FULTON
I don’t really -

GORDON
Fulton! You should know that some intimacies transpired last
night, but no sexual acts of any kind. I only took care of
her.

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FULTON
You took care of her? What the hell does that mean?

GORDON
She was very sick from the pills. She was very upset and
falling asleep and...
(Beat.)
And I took off her clothes.

DANA
Gordon -

GORDON
No Dana. He should know the truth. Everyone needs to know
the truth.
(Beat.)
I took off my clothes. And I took her into the bedroom.
(Beat.)
And we slept in the bed. I touched her. I did touch her.
On the head. On her body in a gentle way. Her eyes were
closed and she said your name... And then she fell asleep and
I stopped. I did stop.
(Beat.)
I only went to sleep. Next to her.

DANA
Gord -

GORDON
And I am very sorry for everything. I wish I had not done
the things that I did. I wish I had stayed in my apartment
and watched television.
(Beat.)
I deserve to be punished.

Beat.

FULTON
Is that true?

GORDON
Yes.

FULTON
Dana?
(Beat.)
Dana?

DANA
No.

GORDON
Yes.

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DANA
No. Gordon, it’s not.

FULTON
Holy shit - will somebody please tell me what the fuck is
going on here!

DANA
We had sex.

FULTON
You had sex.

DANA
Yeah.

FULTON
You and him...

DANA
Yes.

GORDON
We made love.

DANA
We fucked.

FULTON
You fucked. So what’s all this bullshit about the touching
and taking care of people?

DANA
He was trying to protect me - Fulton / leave him alone.

FULTON
No, I want to hear it from him. Gordon? What’s all this
stuff about taking care of her?

GORDON
I... I am sorry. I lied.

FULTON
You lied? So you fucked my girlfriend and then lied to my
face / about it.

DANA
Fulton / stop it!

GORDON
/ Yes. But -

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FULTON
You looked me right in the eye / and told me -

GORDON
/ Sorry.

DANA
Fulton / it’s not his -

FULTON
Get out.

GORDON
But I want -

FULTON
Get the fuck out! Take your shit and get out!

DANA
Fulton!

Gordon gathers his things and leaves.

GORDON
I’m / sorry.

He’s gone.

DANA
You’ve got the wrong person. You’re yelling and screaming at
the wrong person, Fulton. You want to yell at someone, yell
at me! Huh? Here I am - let’s / have it out -

FULTON
Stop -

DANA
No! You want to blame somebody, blame me - you know, because
I’m the one who fucked this whole thing up -

FULTON
I want / you gone, too.
(Beat.)
Leave!

DANA
Gordon’s not the only person I slept with last night, okay?
Just so you know - I need to - shit - COME BACK HERE!

FULTON
I - I can’t talk to you right now.

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DANA
Please!

FULTON
How / did this -

DANA
Fulton I’m sorry - If this is where it all falls - if this is
- shit - I just need to tell you that I love you - okay? - I
love you, but I made a mistake / and I want you -

FULTON
You’re / fucking insane -

DANA
I want you to know - that I slept with - since - the night we
met... I have a - the guy with the Gap bag... I used to see
him a lot, before - and again last night when I thought you
were - and Gordon - I’m sorry.

FULTON
You’re sick - I can’t - you fucked two guys?

DANA
There -

FULTON
In one night?

DANA
I’m sorry - I - god - I got all messed up and did something
stupid and then I got all messed again and I came back here
and I - I grabbed Gordon and... I’m not... um... I’m not a
good person, okay?
(Beat.)
I need help.
(Beat.)
Please. I love you.

FULTON
I - I want you out. Take your fucking salt water taffy and
get the fuck out of my apartment.

DANA
Please - just let me explain.

Fulton leaves the apartment.

FULTON
Ten minutes and I’m calling the cops.

She goes to the door.

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DANA
Fulton!
(Beat.)
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

She stops speaking, steels herself and

begins cleaning up her clothes.

Lights fade.

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SCENE XI

Lights come up on Fulton, seated,

drawing.

There is a rustling by the door, then

nothing, then more rustling.

A knock.

GORDON (O.S.)
Fulton?

No answer.

GORDON (O.S.) (cont’d)

Fulton. I have left three of your compact discs and two of
your books, including The DaVinci Code here.
(Beat.)
I know you are very angry and you do not want to see me, so I
am returning your belongings. And Dana knows that you are
very angry, and she asked me to ask you to please give me -
(Under his breath.)
Asked me to ask you to give me - yes -
(Full voice.)
If you could return a small bag that she left in the bedroom
closet. I am to retrieve it for her, at your earliest
convenience.

Beat.

Knock.
Please open the door.
(Beat.)
I also want to make sure that you got my note of apology.

Knock.

GORDON (O.S.) (cont'd)

I know you are angry about everything that happened and I
know that you are upset with me and think that I am a bad
friend - I am a bad friend - friends do not lie to each
other. They do not... betray each other... and there are
more things that we need to talk about. Because I...

Knock.

GORDON (O.S.) (cont'd)

Please open the door. I know you can hear me.

Beat.

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GORDON (O.S.) (cont'd)

Ahm, I did not go to Diving on Sunday. And I did not go to
work today. Or yesterday.
(Beat.)
Nobody called to find out where I was.
(Beat.)
Which is to be expected because nobody ever used to call me,
except you.
(Beat.)
And Greenpeace.

Beat. Nothing.

A rustling at the door and then a

photograph slides under.

GORDON (O.S.) (cont'd)

I am sliding a photograph under the door. It is from
Willie’s. It is a good one. Of you, me, and Dana. And a big
basket of fries.
(Beat.)
You are both very photogenic.
(Beat.)
I love Dana. That is true.
(Beat.)
But, Fulton, I also love you.
(Beat.)
Dana said... she told me that we are always all by
ourselves... that nobody is ever... she said we are all
alone, and I would very much like to believe that this is not
true.
(Beat.)
I would like to believe that we are not alone.

Long beat.

GORDON (O.S.) (cont'd)

Okay. I will leave your belongings here. Thank you for
letting me use them.
(Beat.)
I will be in my apartment.

Long beat.

Fulton goes over to the door and picks

up the picture.

He looks at it.

GORDON (O.S.) (cont'd)

Ahm, when I said that I loved you, I did not mean that I love
you in a homosexual way.

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Fulton laughs a little to himself.

GORDON (O.S.) (cont'd)

I just wanted to clarify that.
(Beat.)
More like a brother. Like the kind of love between friends
and brothers and people who take care of each other.
(Beat.)
You know what I mean.

Long beat.

Fulton leaves the stage.

He returns with a small bag. He looks

into it.

He pulls out a blue pillow...

He sets it on the coffee table.

Long beat.

GORDON (O.S.)(cont'd)
Okay. I bought fresh eggs and I am making the regular, in
case you are hungry.
(Beat.)
I do not want to eat alone again today.
(Beat.)
Please come join me.

Fulton picks up the pillow.

The lights come down as the music comes

up.

Blackout.

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