There is an increasing number of university dropouts. Why?

Do you think university is the best way to

get a good job?

Getting a university education is considered crucial in the modern world, with more and more people
earning degrees in different fields . However, there have been debates on whether university is the
optimal choice for a stable career and if yes, why does considering the number of university dropouts
keeps rising.? (Never ask a question informal writing, you have done a very poor job of paraphrasing the
very short topic here, you have created two variables, that university education is considered crucial,
and whether it is an optimal choice for a stable career. If you consider these points worthwhile writing
about, then introduce them as part of your response, not part of the paraphrase) In my opinion, higher
education institutions are paramount when it comes to employment prospects. (Your specific statement
here, which should relate to the two questions, only relates to the last one. The reader has no idea
what your response to the first question of "why" will be)

Let’s (this is VERY informal!) consider university education .(this is a terrible topic sentence. A topic
sentence must relate to the part of the question, endangered used the main topic, this does neither.
This topic sentence should be relating to the first question of why there are more at university dropouts,
but I note that this paragraph is not about that, so I cannot offer an alternative topic sentence because
your paragraph is off topic ) . Some people regard this as the path of least resistance, meaning that it is
the shortest way to people’s dream jobs. This, by no means, is false because, at university, you (avoid
personal pronouns) students can have overwhelming advantages over people who choose not to pursue
higher education. For example, you they will have access to the greatest minds in multiple fields. In
addition, learning directly from these scholars could greatly expedite the knowledge acquisition process,
thereby increasing the probability of a good job.

Nonetheless, there seems to be a rising trend in the number of university dropouts which can be simply
explained. There might be a simple explanation for this phenomenon (one sentence for your topic
sentence please )(oh, I see that now you are answering the first question, very confusing!). Because
university degrees have become ubiquitous, they do not give graduates any leverage over the majority
of the population. Evidently, China’s universities produce millions of graduates each year, but many
cannot get a decent job and end up unemployed or in factories. In fact, businesses now value results,
which means workers have to be resourceful and competent. And (do not start sentences and formal
writing with a conjunction) sSuch qualities can only be obtained through hands-on experience. As a
result, a university education is no longer appealing to them. (This seems to be explaining why people do
not go to university, rather than people dropping out of university. Ideas for white people drop out of
university could be financial reasons, lack of practical application to their future career, the stress from
the increased competition etc)

In conclusion, I believe that higher education is necessary to get a good job (summarise the reasons
here). But However, the trend suggests that this will not be the case in the future because it has become
so common and exorbitant. (This does not summarise paragraph 3, paragraph 3 is about now, not the
future, and you do not write about it being exorbitant)

(284)
 Grade

Task Response 5-6 250 -320 words

 all parts of the topic are responded to well

 all parts of the question are responded to well
In a two question essay, please present the answers in the same order they are
asked, and give two reasons for each answer if you want a high band score
your response to why there are more dropouts was not good at all, I actually
don't think you answered that question
 main ideas are clear

 explanation/examples of main ideas are clear

Cohesion and 5  good overall structure

Coherence answer the questions in the same order they are asked
 the first paragraph clearly introduces the essay
You only need two sentences for your introduction. You may have learnt from other
teachers that you should include aspects such as a background to the situation, but you
need to bear in mind that this is a very short essay of only a little over 250 words and so
you want to keep your introduction brief. I suggest you just write a general statement
and specific statement.

The general statement is the topic that you need to write about. You can write this very
easily by just rephrasing the topic you are given. This is the best way to do this. Do not try
to be creative here, as you will not be rewarded for this and you risk lowering your score
for task response if you misstate the topic. Look at the following example of a topic:

Computers are being used more and more in education and some say there will soon be
no role for the teacher in education.

GOOD REPHRASE: Some people believe technology may be used to replace teachers in
the future.

BAD REPHRASE: Due to the rising prevalence of advanced technology computers are
becoming more useful.

This misstates the topic because it is not about whether computers are useful it is about
whether they will replace teachers.

TOO LONG A REPHRASE: Ever since the dawn of time, mankind has been finding ways to
 improve their lives. More recently education has emerged as a very important aspect of
human lives. Therefore, it is worthwhile to consider whether technology offers any
advantages in the classroom and whether they are more useful than the people who
have trained for many years as academic experts.

  

The specific statement comes from the question part of the task. What you write will
depend upon which of the three types of questions are asked. If the essay asks for your
opinion you should give this here. If the question asks for anything else, you should start
this statement with: this essay discusses and then rephrasing what you are asked for.

 topic sentences introduce paragraphs well / clear central topic

Start each of the body paragraphs with a clear topic sentence showing the reader
what that paragraph is about.

https://www.ieltsanswers.com/ielts-writing-topic-sentences/

 paragraph development is logical

Ideally the conclusion summarises the body of the essay by rephrasing the key
points.

Vocabulary 6-7 x appropriate word choices / control of word endings/forms

errors and changes in yellow

Too much informality with your writing, avoid questions, avoid personal
pronouns, avoid contractions

Avoid personal pronouns such as we/our/you. These are not appropriate for
formal IELTS writing, and reduce your vocabulary and Task Response scores. You
can use “I” when writing about your own opinion.

 spelling

 repetition is avoided

Grammar 7-8 errors

mostly good control of grammar, however avoid starting sentences with

conjunctions

Overall 6 this essay was quite frustrating to read, it started off with a very poor
 introduction, and then did not improve much through the body paragraphs,
which were difficult to follow, especially the topic sentences
I think you are trying too hard to present something which is different than the
norm, I suggest that you try and focus more on actually writing what is required
for IELTS. The specific ways of structuring these essays make it much easier for
you to get a higher score

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