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    56 Writing University Education Ver 2

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    Bùi Xuân Bách
    There has been an increasing trend of university dropouts. The main reasons for this are the rising costs of university tuition and living expenses. Most students cannot afford university through minimum wage part-time jobs alone. This forces them to drop out due to financial difficulties [SENTENCE 1]. However, university is still considered the best path to a good career. A degree demonstrates knowledge and skills to employers. It also provides an alumni network for support with job opportunities [SENTENCE 2]. While university costs contribute to rising dropout numbers, higher education overall provides benefits like career contacts and proof of qualifications that help lead to successful careers [SENTENCE 3].

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    56 Writing University Education Ver 2

    Uploaded by

    Bùi Xuân Bách
    31 views3 pages
    There has been an increasing trend of university dropouts. The main reasons for this are the rising costs of university tuition and living expenses. Most students cannot afford university through minimum wage part-time jobs alone. This forces them to drop out due to financial difficulties [SENTENCE 1]. However, university is still considered the best path to a good career. A degree demonstrates knowledge and skills to employers. It also provides an alumni network for support with job opportunities [SENTENCE 2]. While university costs contribute to rising dropout numbers, higher education overall provides benefits like career contacts and proof of qualifications that help lead to successful careers [SENTENCE 3].

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    56 writing University education ver 2

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    There has been an increasing trend of university dropouts. The main reasons for this are the rising costs of university tuition and living expenses. Most students cannot afford university through minimum wage part-time jobs alone. This forces them to drop out due to financial difficulties [SENTENCE 1]. However, university is still considered the best path to a good career. A degree demonstrates knowledge and skills to employers. It also provides an alumni network for support with job opportunities [SENTENCE 2]. While university costs contribute to rising dropout numbers, higher education overall provides benefits like career contacts and proof of qualifications that help lead to successful careers [SENTENCE 3].

    Copyright:

    © All Rights Reserved
    Download as DOCX, PDF, TXT or read online from Scribd
    Download as docx, pdf, or txt
    31 views3 pages

    56 Writing University Education Ver 2

    Uploaded by

    Bùi Xuân Bách
    There has been an increasing trend of university dropouts. The main reasons for this are the rising costs of university tuition and living expenses. Most students cannot afford university through minimum wage part-time jobs alone. This forces them to drop out due to financial difficulties [SENTENCE 1]. However, university is still considered the best path to a good career. A degree demonstrates knowledge and skills to employers. It also provides an alumni network for support with job opportunities [SENTENCE 2]. While university costs contribute to rising dropout numbers, higher education overall provides benefits like career contacts and proof of qualifications that help lead to successful careers [SENTENCE 3].

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    © All Rights Reserved
    Download as DOCX, PDF, TXT or read online from Scribd
    Download as docx, pdf, or txt
    of 3

    There is an increasing number of university dropouts. Why?

    Do you think university is the best


    way to get a good job?
    Society is witnessing a decline (no! It is the opposite, it is witnessing an increase) in the number
    of dropouts from university. The cause of this trend seems to be a financial one. In this essay, I
    am going to discuss why people are dropping out of not completing university before
    presenting my opinion on why university is the best choice when it comes to getting a good job
    a desirable career.
    There seems to be a rising trend in the number of university dropouts which can be simply
    explained. The most apparent reason is that universities have changed the way they operate,
    they have become more profit-oriented. This means that students are charged exorbitant fees
    to study at these places. However, most students do not come from wealthy families,
    therefore, they have to finance their own education through part-time jobs. Unfortunately for
    them, the minimum wage of these jobs cannot possibly foot the bill for a college education. As
    a result, most students become discouraged and ultimately leave school prematurely. (much
    better, although it would be perfect if you split this into two ideas being the unaffordability, and
    then having a part-time job interfering with study, and ultimately forcing them to drop out
    because of failing grades etc)
    On the other hand, I believe that going to university is by far the best way to ensure a
    successful career in the future because of a number of reasons. Firstly, a college degree is a
    testament to a person’s knowledge in a particular field of study. It speaks to the fact that
    graduates have been tested on their fundamental understanding in their field of choice. This
    creates a good impression on potential employers. Furthermore, universities have an extensive
    network of alumni, who are usually devoted to help their alma mater and other alumni. In
    other words, graduates will have more support when they go job hunting, and given that there
    already exists a bond between alumni, job offers can be more lucrative.
    In conclusion, I believe that higher education is necessary to get a good job because of the
    professional contacts as well as a proof of knowledge from the universities. In addition, the
    reason for people dropping out of college stems mainly from the lack of money.
    (325)

    Grade

    Task Response 7 250 -320 words

     all parts of the topic are responded to well


     all parts of the question are responded to well
    I think paragraph 3 in the conclusion are a band eight level
    however, I cannot ignore the glaring error in the introduction highlighted in
    blue
    also, I believe paragraph 2 should have two clear ideas if you want to achieve a
    band eight, see my suggestion on how that could happen
     main ideas are clear

     explanation/examples of main ideas are clear

    Cohesion and 8  good overall structure


    Coherence
     the first paragraph clearly introduces the essay

     topic sentences introduce paragraphs well / clear central topic

     paragraph development is logical

    Vocabulary 7-8 x appropriate word choices / control of word endings/forms


    errors and changes in yellow

    some good use of topical higher level language


     spelling

     repetition is avoided

    Grammar 8 errors
    excellent control of grammar

    Overall 7.5 Apart from a poor start in the introduction, this is an excellent essay. It shows
    you really have potential to be writing at a high band level. Well done!

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