LOVE AND INTIMACY

From the point of view of personal development, it is import ant to have an understanding of the various
concepts of love, and how these can influence the development of a person. However, for this chapter, we will
focus on the concept of romantic love or interpersonal love.
There has been a raging debate over the definition of love. Is love a feeling? Is love a thought? Is love physical? The
definition of love is a feeling of deep affection, passion, or strong liking for a person or thing
(http://www.yourdictionary.com/love). The American Heritage Dictionary defines love as:
-a strong feeling of affection and concern toward another person, as that arising from kinship or close
friendship;
-a strong feeling of affection and concern for another person accompanied by sexual attraction; a feeling of
devotion or adoration toward God or a god;
-a feeling of kindness or concern by God or a god toward humans; and
-sexual desire or activity: the pleasures of love; a night of love.
Based on these definitions, we see several angles of what love is. It is an emotion, a feeling, a virtue, an
action, and an experience. Love is also defined differently in different cultures.
We have previously presented the biological model of love as anthropologist Helen Fisher explained in her
theory that the experience of love comes in three overlapping stages and where certain hormones are
involved in each stage: lust, attraction, and attachment.
In this section, we will present another theory but this time it is about the different components of love as
theorized in Robert Sternberg's Triangular Theory of Love. These three components are: intimacy, commitment,
and passion.
1. Intimacy
Researchers Reis, Clark, and Holmes (2004), and Reis and Shaver (1998) defined intimacy as "that lovely moment
when someone understands and validates us."
In a more poetic manner, John Joseph Powell, author of the book, The Secret of Staying in Love, defined intimacy
with these words: "It is an absolute human certainty that no one can know his own beauty or perceive a sense of
his own worth until it has been reflected back to him in the mirror of another loving, caring human being."
Being intimate with another person is about being open and vulnerable to that person whom we deeply trust, who
we feel connected with, and who values us with un conditional positive regard (Rogers), which is viewing the other
person with complete trust and devoid of suspicion or negative thought.
Communication is a key component in developing intimacy, where self-disclosure is practiced which leads to
profound and meaningful conversations that nurture and strengthen intimacy. Self-disclosure requires honesty for
it to work, and is a tool in enhancing the love relationship between two persons.
2. Commitment
Commitment is an act of deciding to consistently fulfill and live by agreements made with another person, entity, or
cause, and where the values of integrity and respect serve as a guide to one's behavior and thinking. Commitment
in a love relationship is expressed continuously in caring and loving actions for the beloved.
3. Passion
Passion, as defined in generic terms, is the intense state of being that drives and consumes a person to pursue an
interest, a vision, or a person. In terms of romantic love, passion connotes sexual attraction, as well as intimacy.
Sternberg proposed eight forms of love based on the com binations created by these three components: intimacy,
commitment, and passion. Referring to the graphic below, we observe the seven combinations that make up the
different types of love. The eighth type of love is the absence of the three components and is referred to by
Sternberg as "non-love."
While Sternberg's theory is just one of many other theories about love, many of these may be classified within the
eight types that Sternberg identified.
Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love

Attraction serves as the first step toward liking someone, and among all the basis of attraction that were
discussed, reciprocity (mutual liking) is what triggers a couple to move toward romance and intimacy, and
eventually, to commitment.
 COMMITMENT: SAYING YES AND MEANING IT
Let us look back at what we have discussed so far in this chapter. First, we defined what personal
relationship is all about. We learned that through our relationships we are defined as persons and as
humans.
From there, we saw the interconnection between relationships and attachments. We then proceeded in
understanding what attachment is and the three styles of attachments that developed from the time we
were born to childhood, when we were most vulnerable, to the presence or absence of a primary caregiver,
usually a mother. From attachments, we then proceeded to dis cussing attraction.
We found out that physical attraction is biologically driven by chemicals in our body called hormones. We
also learned that symmetry is another driver of attraction, as it has a basis for our survival. We also learned
the other ways of becoming attracted to somebody, such as transference, propinquity, similarity, reciprocity,
personality traits, and physical appearance. Among all the attraction theories presented, reciprocity was
identified as the main reason why a couple moves from attraction to romance and intimacy, and eventually
to commitment.
Then love and intimacy were discussed. We learned that love is more than a feeling, it also includes
actions. Among all the attempts to define and understand love, we focused on Sternberg's Triangular Theory
of Love, which identified the three components of love as intimacy, passion, and commitment, and the eight
variations of love based on these three components.
Given the right ingredients such as compatible attachment styles, physical attraction, and reciprocal liking,
a couple's relationship may be further nurtured by their constant companionship, their openness, trust and
sharing of thoughts, feelings, fears, as well as joys. The couple may then decide to commit to an exclusive
relationship and eventually formalize the relationship through a marriage ritual.
We defined commitment as a continuing process of showing love and care; fulfilling the promises or
agreements made with each other; and through bad times and good times, the commitment stays firm and
in place.
Commitment is saying yes, you are into this relationship and will stick to it for as long as possible. There is
integrity in commitment because the word given should mean something to the person making the
commitment. Interdependency develops between two healthy individuals who commit to be together and
yet not lose each other's individuality. This interdependence is symbolized by the two candles the couple
lights up and holds on as together they light up a third candle symbolizing the relationship that has grown
between two individuals.
 Psychologists have conducted research on commitment and have identified three variables related to it
(Rozenberg Quarterly):
1. Accumulation of all rewards of the relationship-considered as the most important determinant of
satisfaction in a relationship, rewards of the relationship include support from the partner; sexual
satisfaction; emotional, financial, and physical security; adventure; and novelty. A relationship should be
deemed as mutually rewarding by the couple for them to continue and reinforce their commitment to each
other.
2. Temptation of alternative partners - the presence of possible alternatives for another partner can rock
the relationship and destabilize the commitment of a couple. It was noted that the fewer options a party in a
relationship gets exposed to, the lesser the possibility of breaking the relationship.
3. Investments made by the couple in the relationship are also important in maintaining commitment.
These investments may include time spent together, common beliefs and experiences, mutual experiences
with mutual friends, and bearing children. It was also discovered that religious beliefs reinforce
commitment.
As there are variables involved in strengthening and maintaining a commitment, there are also spoilers to it.
Research identified four behaviors married couples may do that can predict a divorce or separation:
1. Criticism - this happens when there is the absence of unconditional positive regard for each other in a
relationship. Constantly finding fault in the other partner will result in negative feelings and resentment.
Positive and constructive criticism is preferred and done in a light and playful manner.
2. Denial of the existence of conflict - when one party eludes the presence of a problem and refuses to
discuss it, as if belittling the problem, it will result in frustration on the side of the other party.
3. Contempt- like criticism, contempt is present when someone who looks down on the party as inferior
does not give unconditional positive regard, and aggravates the situation by expressing superiority over the
other. According to research (Rozenberg Quarterly), this is the "ultimate expression of disillusionment and
highly predictive of divorce" or separation.
 Responsibilities in a Relationship
As we defined relationship as the interactive behavior between two or more persons, groups,
or nations who are bound by common interests, let us now define some important
responsibilities that are necessary in a relationship to make it flourish and stay beneficial for
the parties involved.
1. Be responsible for what you think and say to the other person. Emotions should be
considered when dealing with other people. Being sensitive to these emotions will make a
person responsible for what is said, and accept the consequences of how the other party will
receive the message.
2. Be responsible for what you promise to do or not do. Integrity is a key factor in
relationships. Coupled with trust, integrity in one's word means that you are reliable and
trust worthy. When credibility is questioned, a relationship will not last long.
3. Ensure the relationship is mutually beneficial. Balanced relationships are always mutually
beneficial to both parties. It is always good to have a give and take attitude for this assures
fairness and equality. When fairness is perceived, trust follows.
4. Respect the other party or parties involved. Mutual respect is also essential in a
relationship. Giving respect to each other is a common responsibility of any party involved in
a relationship.
5. Be ready to provide support when needed. Relationships also thrive on the support given
by one party to another. Providing support, either financially, emotionally, spiritually, or
physically, strengthens the bond in a relationship, as this is an expression of one's
commitment to the other party. It is all about the "we're in this together" thing in a
relationship.