D&D Loading Screen Hints

These loading screen hints are community-created material for the Dungeons and
Dragons Fifth Edition Roleplaying game. This is an updated version, released 11/24/2018.

The material here has been created by a fan, but all referenced information and
imagery therein, including the Dungeons and Dragons logo, is property of Wizards of
the Coast LLC.

THIS IS NOT A COMPREHENSIVE LIST OF ALL D&D 5E RULES. This is a mixture of

rules I found hard to remember, rules that rarely come up, rules that people
frequently get wrong, general tabletop advice, basic etiquette, and a few bad memes.

Thank you to /r/DnD, /r/DnDNext, all the D&D subreddits, and the tabletop community
for your support, your assistance, your corrections, your suggestions, and your warm
reception to my awful ideas.

Keep rolling high,

/u/CountedCrow
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In D&D, the options are limitless and the consequences are

mandatory.
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Never split the party.

NEVER SPLIT THE PARTY.
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Generally speaking, if you end up with a fraction while

playing D&D, round down.
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Generally speaking, if you end up with a tie between two

numbers in D&D, whoever rolled wins the tie.
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There are no wrong paths, just paths that your DM hasn’t

prepared for.
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A creature can be Tiny, Small, Medium, Large, Huge, or

Gargantuan in size.
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For most rolls, your success is measured by whether you were

able to roll higher than a Difficulty Class, or DC.
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For attack rolls, your success is measured by whether you

were able to roll higher than an Armor Class, or AC.
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This is game is tabletop, and your DM’s responses aren’t

programmed. Think outside the box!
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Be cautious and intelligent, and think things through. D&D

does not let you restore from save files.
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Don’t be afraid of a retreat if combat isn’t going well. It may

seem cowardly, but cowardice is usually preferable to death.
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When the DM asks you “Really? Are you sure?”, you should
always say “No.”
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Keep track of your buffs, bonuses, abilities, and penalties.

Your DM can’t remember everything.
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The DM’s role is to play with the players, not against them.
As far as you know, anyway.
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DMs are always hungry. Bring them food and they may well
have mercy on your character.
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No matter how much fun you’re having, remember that you’re

not the only person at the table.
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Try to use your social skills often. Violence isn’t always the
answer, and maybe that monster can be reasoned with.
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Be sure to take notes on the lore and history of the world.

Someone probably worked very hard on it.
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DMs love to put traps everywhere. Have your local rogue

check around to find and dismantle them.
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Get into roleplaying! You might earn an inspiration point,

which you can use to get advantage on a future roll.
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Each coin is worth 10 coins of the next lowest denomination.

Electrum, the worst coin ever, is the exception.
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If you are proficient with something, add your proficiency

bonus to the roll. Duh.
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If the campaign is getting too serious for you, recall that

DMs often struggle to keep things serious at taverns.
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If your Constitution modifier changes, your hit point maximum

changes too, as if you had the new modifier from 1st level.
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When you have advantage, roll the d20 twice and take the
higher number.
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When you have disadvantage, roll the d20 twice and take the
lower number.
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If you have both disadvantage and advantage, they cancel

each other out, even if there are multiple instances of either.
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Your Strength score measures how easily you could crush a

tomato with your bare hands.
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Your Dexterity score measures how well you could dodge a

tomato being thrown at you.
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Your Constitution score measures whether you could eat a

rotten tomato without puking.
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Your Intelligence score measures how likely you are to know

that a tomato is a fruit.
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Your Wisdom score measures how likely you are to know

that a tomato shouldn’t be in a fruit salad.
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Your Charisma score measures your ability to sell a tomato-

based fruit salad – which is, of course, salsa.
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With ability checks, rolling a 1 or a 20 does not

automatically determine success or failure.
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Use Perception checks often to see what’s going on. Or, you
know, you can just be oblivious. Up to you.
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Suspicious of that NPC’s intent? Roll an Insight check and

become even more suspicious!
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Use a Persuasion check to win people over, make friends, or

haggle! Only complete chumps pay full price!
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Performance checks will finally give you the chance to turn

your game into a full-on musical.
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Athletics checks determine how well you can perform physical

activities, like climbing or running touchdowns.
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If you want to know more about the land or the plants and
beasts that live upon it, try a Nature check.
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Animal Handling checks! They’re good for seeing if you can

mount that random creature and…not much else, honestly.
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Sleight of Hand checks are great for stealing things. Do them

all the time! There’s nothing annoying about them!
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An Acrobatics check may be used if you need delicate finesse

of motion – or if you really, really want to show off.
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Stealth checks can let you hide behind something in the area.
How stupid would it be if you could just crouch slightly?
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Arcana checks relate to your knowledge of magic, eldritch

information, mystic tradition, and other nerd crap.
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A History check will let you recall lore and finally make
you feel cool about passing that test on the Civil War.
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Do you want to play a deductive, clever hero, but you’re

limited by your feeble human mind? Roll Investigation checks.
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Religion checks will let you recall lore about different

faiths, but it won’t erase the feeling of sin in your heart.
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Medicine checks will let you diagnose an illness or stabilize

someone. They cannot heal people. Please stop asking.
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Nature checks are nice for knowing stuff about the wild, but
you’ll need Survival if you want it to not kill you.
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Throw out a Deception check if you need to fool someone!

Please do this instead of actually lying to your DM.
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Intimidation checks are what you use when Persuasion and

Deception didn’t work and you’re starting to get pissed off.
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In a contest, two participants roll, comparing totals against

each other, not against a DC.
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If a skill contest results in a tie, the situation before the

contest remains unchanged.
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In a group check, everybody in the group rolls. If at least

half the group succeeds, the check is a success.
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Until your next turn, you only get 1 reaction, 1 action, and 1
bonus action.
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You can use your reaction to make an opportunity attack

when a creature that you can see moves out of your reach.
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Use the Dash action if you want to increase your movement

speed for the current turn.
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If you don’t want an enemy to make an opportunity attack

against you as you move away, take the Disengage action.
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Worried you’ll get easily murdered? Take the Dodge action

and you’ll be a lot harder to hit.
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While dodging, you have advantage on Dexterity saving

throws.
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While dodging, any attack roll made against you has

disadvantage if you can see the attacker.
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You lose benefits of the Dodge action if you are incapacitated

or if your speed drops to 0.
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Take the Help action to give an ally advantage on their next

ability check, or maybe even their next attack roll!
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The Hide action will let you make a Stealth check to

disappear from sight, should the environment allow it.
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The Ready action will let you act using your reaction before
your next turn.
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To Ready an action, you must specify both a triggering

circumstance and what you will do when it happens.
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When the trigger for a readied action occurs, you can either
take the action or ignore the trigger.
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To ready a spell, it must have a casting time of 1 action, and

holding it until you’re ready to cast requires concentration.
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The Search action may let you use a Perception check or an

Investigation check to look around.
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In lightly obscured areas (e.g. dim light, patchy fog, or modest

foliage), Perception checks with sight have disadvantage.
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In heavily obscured areas (e.g. darkness, opaque fog, or dense

foliage), creatures are effectively blinded.
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Bright light, provided by daylight and most light sources

within a certain radius, lets most creatures see normally.
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Dim light, provided by dawn, dusk, and a full moon, is

normally a boundary between bright light and darkness.
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Darkness, provided by nighttime, unlit areas, or magical

darkness, keeps most creatures from seeing normally.
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A creature with blindsight can perceive its surroundings

without sight, kinda like Daredevil.
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Within a specified range, a creature with darkvision can see

in darkness as if the darkness were dim light.
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A creature with darkvision can’t discern color in darkness,

only monochromatic shades.
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Within a specified range, a creature with truesight can see

pretty much everything. Yes, even that, you weirdo.
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At the end of a fall, a creature takes 1d6 bludgeoning

damage for every 10 feet it fell, to a maximum of 20d6.
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Unless it avoids taking damage from a fall, a creature lands

prone at the end of that fall.
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A creature can hold its breath for a number of minutes equal

to 1 + its Constitution modifier (minimum of 30 seconds).
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When a creature has no air, it can survive for a number of

rounds equal to its Constitution modifier (minimum of 1 round).
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When it can no longer survive without air, a suffocating

creature drops to 0 hit points and is dying.
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A suffocating creature can’t regain hit points or be stabilized

until it can breathe again.
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Until you are discovered or stop hiding, your Stealth check is

contested by Perception checks of anyone actively searching.
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Passive Perception determines if a creature notices something

even if they’re not actively searching for it.
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You can’t hide from a creature that can see you clearly, and
you give away your position if you make noise.
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A party traveling at a slow pace goes 200 feet in a minute, 2

miles in an hour, and 18 miles in a day.
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A party traveling at a slow pace can use Stealth as they

move.
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A party traveling at a normal pace goes 300 feet in a minute,

3 miles in an hour, and 24 miles in a day.
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A party traveling at a fast pace goes 400 feet in a minute, 4

miles in an hour, and 30 miles in a day.
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A party traveling at a fast pace will suffer a -5 penalty to

passive Perception scores.
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To cast a spell, you must expend a slot of its level or

higher. Cantrips come for free.
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To cast a spell with a somatic component, you need free use

of at least one hand to perform the gestures.
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To cast a spell with a verbal component, you need to be able

to speak.
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To cast a spell with costless material components, you need

those components, a component pouch, or a spellcasting focus.
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To cast a spell with material components that have costs,

you need to have those specific components.
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If a spell states that a material component is consumed by

the spell, you must provide that component for each casting.
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Some spells require concentration to maintain an ongoing

effect, and you can’t concentrate on two spells at once.
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To keep concentration, roll a Constitution save if you take

damage. The DC is 10 or half the damage, whichever is higher.
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You can’t concentrate if you’re incapacitated or dead. Do we

really have to spell that one out for you? Geez.
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You may need to make a DC 10 Constitution save to maintain

spell concentration if your surroundings are distracting.
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Your attack bonus with spells equals your spellcasting

ability modifier plus your proficiency bonus.
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Your spell save DC equals your spellcasting ability modifier

plus your proficiency bonus plus 8.
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If your spell has an attack, you roll. If your spell has a

save, the enemy rolls.
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Long rests restore all expended spell slots, although a few

class options can get some back with a short rest.
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If you’re wearing armor, you need to be proficient in that

armor in order to cast spells.
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Some spells can be cast at higher levels for more powerful

effects, and some cantrips get more powerful at higher levels.
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Some spells can be cast as a rituals. Doing so takes 10

minutes longer but doesn’t expend a spell slot.
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Some spells can have different areas of effect in all sorts of

shapes and sizes.
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Most spells have a range that specify what you can target.
Some can only affect you.
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The effects of the same spell cast multiple times don’t stack.
Only the most potent effect applies.
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The effects of different spells add together while the

durations of those spells overlap.
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if you cast a spell as a bonus action, you can't cast a non-

cantrip spell during your turn.
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Some spellcasters know their spells and can always cast

them. Other classes need to prepare spells from a list.
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For spells that take longer than an action to cast, you must
spend your action each turn concentrating and casting it.
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There’s more to a fight than just attacking! Consult your DM

for other actions you can take in combat.
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Initiative determines turn order in combat. Your initiative

bonus is usually just your Dexterity modifier.
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A round of combat roughly translates to 6 seconds of in-

game time.
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If you are vulnerable to a damage type, you take double

damage from that type.
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If you are resistant to a damage type, you take half damage

from that type.
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Multiple instances of vulnerability or resistance only count

once each.
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If you roll a 1 on an attack roll, you automatically miss

your attack.
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If you roll a 20 on an attack roll, you automatically hit

and roll all of the damage dice twice before adding modifiers.
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Ranged attacks have disadvantage if the target is beyond

regular range but still within long range.
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Ranged attacks cannot hit targets outside of the weapon’s

long range.
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Your ranged attack rolls have disadvantage if an enemy that

isn’t incapacitated is within 5 feet of you and can see you.
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When you reduce a creature to 0 hit points with a melee

attack, you can decide to knock it out instead of killing it.
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A target with half cover has a +2 bonus to AC and Dexterity

saving throws.
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A target with three-quarters cover has a +5 bonus to AC

and Dexterity saving throws.
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A target with total cover can’t be targeted directly by an

attack or a spell, though area of effect spells are fair game.
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Using the attack action, you can make a melee attack to

shove a creature, either to knock it prone or push it away.
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To push a target, it must be no more than one size larger

than you and must be within your reach.
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To push a target, you make an Athletics check contested by

the target’s Athletics or Acrobatics check.
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To make a melee attack against a creature, it must be within

your reach. Most creatures have a 5-foot reach.
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You can use an unarmed strike to make a melee attack

without a weapon.
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You are proficient in your unarmed strikes, and they deal

bludgeoning damage equal to 1 + your Strength modifier.
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You can use a bonus action to attack with a light melee

weapon after attacking with one in your other hand.
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When two-weapon fighting, only add your modifier to the

damage of the second attack if it’s negative.
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Using the Attack action, you can make a melee attack to

grapple a creature if you have one free hand.
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To grapple a target, it must be no more than one size larger

than you and must be within your reach.
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To grapple a target, you make an Athletics check contested

by the target’s Athletics or Acrobatics check.
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Unless the creature you are grappling is much smaller than

you, your speed is halved while dragging or carrying it.
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A Grappled creature can use its action to escape, making an

Athletics or Acrobatics check contested by an Athletics check.
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You have disadvantage on attacks against creatures that you

cannot see.
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You have advantage on attacks against creatures that cannot

see you.
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Have an impairing condition? Ask your DM what it means. You

might have to change up your strategy.
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A blinded creature can’t see and automatically fails all

checks that requires sight.
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A blinded creature’s attack rolls have disadvantage, and

attack rolls against them have advantage.
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A charmed creature cannot target their charmer with attack

rolls or any harmful abilities or magic.
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The charmer has advantage on any ability check used to

interact socially with their charmed creature.
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A deafened creature can’t hear and automatically fails any

ability check that requires hearing.
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A frightened creature has disadvantage on ability checks and

attack rolls if the source of its fear is within line of sight.
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A frightened creature can’t willingly move closer to the

source of its fear.
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A grappled creature’s speed becomes 0, and it can’t benefit

from any bonus to its speed.
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The grappled condition ends if the grappler is incapacitated

or an effect moves the grappled creature out of reach.
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An incapacitated creature can’t take actions or reactions. This

often happens in conjunction with other conditions.
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An invisible creature is impossible to see without the aid of

magic or a special sense.
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With regards to hiding, an invisible creature is heavily

obscured. It may be detected by any noise or tracks it creates.
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Attack rolls against an invisible creature have disadvantage,

and its attack rolls have advantage.
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A paralyzed creature, in addition to being incapacitated, can’t

move or speak.
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Attack rolls against a paralyzed creature have advantage,

and attack that hits is a crit if the attacker is within 5 feet.
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A paralyzed creature fails Strength and Dexterity saving

throws.
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A petrified creature is made of a solid inanimate substance, as

are all nonmagical objects it is wearing or carrying.
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A petrified creature is ten times heavier and does not age

while petrified.
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A petrified creature, in addition to being incapacitated, can’t

move or speak, and is unaware of its surroundings.
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A petrified creature fails Strength and Dexterity saving

throws.
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A petrified creature is immune to poison and disease.

Petrification only suspends existing poison or disease effects.
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Attack rolls against a petrified creature have advantage,

though the creature has resistance to all damage.
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A poisoned creature has disadvantage on attack rolls and

ability checks.
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A prone creature’s only movement options are crawling or

using half their movement speed to stand up.
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An attack roll against a prone creature has advantage if the

attacker is within 5 feet – otherwise, it has disadvantage.
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A prone creature has disadvantage on all of its attack rolls

until it stands up and ends the condition.
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A restrained creature’s speed becomes 0, and it can’t benefit

from any bonus to its speed.
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Attack rolls against a restrained creature have advantage,

and the creature’s attack rolls have disadvantage.
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A restrained creature has disadvantage on Dexterity saving

throws.
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A stunned creature, in addition to being incapacitated, can’t

move and can speak only falteringly.
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A stunned creature fails Strength and Dexterity saving

throws, and attack rolls against it have advantage.
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An unconscious creature, in addition to being incapacitated,

can’t move or speak and is unaware of its surroundings.
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When a creature becomes unconscious, it drops whatever it is

holding and falls prone.
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An unconscious creature fails Strength and Dexterity saving

throws, and attack rolls against it have advantage.
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An attack roll that hits an unconscious creature is a crit if

the attacker is within 5 feet of the creature.
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At the first level of exhaustion, you have disadvantage on

ability checks.
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At the second level of exhaustion, in addition to prior

effects, your speed is halved.
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At the third level of exhaustion, in addition to prior effects,

you have disadvantage on attack rolls and saving throws.
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At the fourth level of exhaustion, in addition to prior

effects, your hit point maximum is halved.
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At the fifth level of exhaustion, in addition to prior effects,

your speed is reduced to 0.
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At the sixth level of exhaustion, you no longer suffer prior

effects! You do, however, die immediately.
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Long rests reduce your exhaustion level by 1, provided that

you had some food and drink.
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Underwater, your melee weapon attacks have disadvantage –

unless you have a swimming speed or the right weapon.
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Underwater, daggers, javelins, shortswords, spears, and

tridents do not automatically have disadvantage.
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Underwater, ranged weapons automatically miss outside of

their normal range.
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Underwater, ranged weapons have disadvantage, unless the

weapon is a crossbow, a net, or a thrown weapon.
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Creatures and objects that are fully immersed in water have

resistance to fire damage.
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Any willing creature that is at least one size larger than

you and that has an appropriate anatomy can be your mount.
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Once during your move, you can mount a creature within 5

feet or dismount. Doing so costs half your movement speed.
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If an effect moves your mount against its will while you're on

it, you must make a DC 10 Dexterity saving throw or fall off.
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If an effect knocks you prone while you’re mounted, you must

make a DC 10 Dexterity saving throw or fall off.
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If you are knocked off of your mount, you land prone in a

space within 5 feet of it.
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If your mount is knocked prone, you can use your reaction to

dismount as it falls and land on your feet.
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While mounted, you can either control your mount if it’s been
trained to accept a rider or have it act independently.
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Intelligent creatures, like dragons, sphinxes, and especially

smart horses, act independently when used as a mount.
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Controlled mounts match your initiative order when you

mount them and can move and act as soon as you mount them.
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Controlled mounts can only take three actions: Dash,

Disengage, and Dodge.
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Independent mounts maintain their own initiative order. They

move and act as they wish, not restricted by their riders.
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If your mount provokes an attack of opportunity while you’re

on it, the attacker can target either you or the mount.
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Your carrying capacity is, in pounds, your Strength score

multiplied by 15.
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You can push, drag, or lift a weight in pounds up to your

Strength score multiplied by 30.
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While pushing or dragging weight in excess of your carrying

capacity, your speed drops to 5 feet.
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Rules for lifting and carrying are intentionally simple. If

they’re too easy, you can use the variant encumbrance rules.
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When using the variant encumbrance rules, ignore the

strength column of the Armor table.
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If you carry weight in excess of 5 times your Strength score,

you are encumbered, which means your speed drops by 10 feet.
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If you carry weight in excess of 10 times your Strength score,

you are heavily encumbered.
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While you are heavily encumbered, your speed drops by 20

feet.
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While you are heavily encumbered, you have disadvantage on

all rolls that use Strength, Dexterity, or Constitution.
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Weapons with the Ammunition property need some kind of

ammo to be used, and each attack expends one piece of ammo.
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After combat, you can recover half of your expended

ammunition by taking the Search action.
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A weapon with the Finesse property can be used with either

your Dexterity or Strength modifier.
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A weapon with the Heavy property will impose disadvantage

on Small creatures attempting to use it.
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A weapon with the Light property can be used in with two-

weapon fighting.
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A weapon with the Loading property can only be fired once

when you use an action, bonus action, or reaction.
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A weapon with the Range property can be used to make

ranged attacks.
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A weapon with the Reach property adds 5 feet to your reach

for the purposes of attacks and opportunity attacks with it.
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A weapon with the Thrown property can be thrown as a

ranged attack, using the same modifier as its melee attack.
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A weapon with the Two-Handed property requires two hands

when you attack with it.
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A weapon with the Versatile property can be used with one

hand, but if you want more damage, you can use two hands.
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When you switch movement types, subtract the distance you’ve

already moved from the new speed.
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You can break up your movement on your turn, using some of

your speed before and after your action.
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You can squeeze through a space if it’s large enough for a

creature one size smaller than you.
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When squeezing, climbing, swimming, crawling, or being on

rough terrain, each foot of movement costs an extra foot.
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When squeezing through a space, you have disadvantage on

attack rolls and Dexterity saving throws.
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When squeezing through a space, attack rolls made against

you have advantage.
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On long jumps, you cover a number of feet up to your

Strength score if you have a 10 foot running start.
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Long jumps without a running start only cover a number of

feet up to half of your Strength score.
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On high jumps, you cover a number of feet up to 3 + your

Strength modifier if you have a 10 foot running start.
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High jumps without a running start only cover a number of

feet up to half of your Strength modifier.
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There are no negative hit points. If you take damage that

exceeds your remaining health, your hit points go to 0.
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A creature that has died can’t regain hit points until some
kind of resurrecting magic has restored it to life.
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Don’t freak out if you reach 0 hit points! You’re not dead,
just dying.
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At 0 hit points, you start making death saving throws, which

have no bonuses you can add. It’s just you and fate.
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If you roll a 1 on a death saving throw, it counts as two

failures.
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If you roll lower than 10 but higher than 1 on a death

saving throw, it counts as a failure.
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If you take any damage while at 0 Hit Points, even if you’re

stable, it counts as a death saving throw failure.
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After three failed death saving throws, your character is

dead.
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If you roll a 10 or higher on a death saving throw, it counts

as a success.
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If you roll a 20 on a death saving throw, you regain 1 hit

point.
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After three successful death saving throws, you become

stable. You’re not dead, just unconscious.
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If you’re stable, but not healed, you regain 1 hit point after
1d4 hours.
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A stable creature is no longer stable and must start making

death saving throws again if they take damage.
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You can stabilize a dying creature with a successful DC 10

Medicine check.
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If you’re at 0 hit points, temporary hit points won’t wake you

up. Only real healing can do the job.
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When damage reduces you to 0 hit points, you die if the

extra damage equals or exceeds your hit point maximum.
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A short rest is at least 1 hour during which you do nothing

strenuous.
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During short rests, you can recover hit points by rolling

your hit dice, adding your Constitution modifier each time.
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A long rest is at least 8 hours during which you do nothing

strenuous.
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During long rests, you can recover all lost hit points and up
to half of your total hit dice.
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You can use time between adventures to tend to poisons,

injuries, and diseases.
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You can use time between adventures to do research and see

what mysteries can be unfurled.
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You can use time between adventures to learn a new language

or how to use a new set of tools.
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According to monster opticians, a beholder’s eyesight is

20:20:20:20:20:20:20:20:20:20:14.
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Just because you can do it, doesn’t mean you should, but it
does mean you probably will.
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It is entirely valid to take a potion orally or as a

suppository.
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Take notes. Take notes. Take notes. Take notes. Take notes.
Take notes. Take notes. Take notes. Take notes. Take notes.
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You can save your progress in D&D by politely asking your

DM to remember things.
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You can start a new save file in D&D by striking your DM on

the head with a heavy object.
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You can pause the game in D&D by standing up and walking

away from the table.
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You can open the options menu in D&D by writing a question

on a sheet of paper and discreetly passing it to your DM.
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You can take a screenshot in D&D by touching your d20,

your character sheet, and a pencil at the same time.
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You can make encounters easier by being more careful,

communicating with your party, and bribing the DM.
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No, please. Roll to seduce an NPC. Your DM is just super

excited to roleplay that.
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Lawful Good doesn’t mean Lawful Nice and Chaotic Neutral

doesn’t mean Chaotic Stupid.
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If your Chaotic Neutral character decides to murder random

people, you’re not playing a Neutral character.
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Contrary to popular belief, for many things in a dungeon, you

probably would want to touch it with a ten foot pole first.
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Lawful characters obey a set of rules and always look both

ways before crossing the street.
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Chaotic characters don’t hold themselves to rules and won’t

put their tray tables up just because you told them to.
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Good characters put others above themselves and will always

pay back that money you lent them.
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Evil characters put themselves above others and will eat the
last slice of pizza without asking anyone first.
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Neutral characters have no particular sway toward a given

axis and often list mayonnaise as their favorite condiment.
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Unaligned creatures don’t comprehend the alignment concept.

Players cannot be unaligned unless they’re very dense.
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Winning combat is easy! Just reduce your opponents to 0 hit

points while keeping your hit points above 0.
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Valor pleases you, so grant me one request: play barbarian!

And if you do not listen, then to hell with you!
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Is your party dull? Are you not flirting with enough NPCs?
Does your DM feel happy? Consider playing a bard.
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Play a cleric if you like worshipping fake gods and being

under immense pressure to save the rest of your party.
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When you play a druid, you can transform into a T-Rex.

What more could you possibly want?!
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If it’s your first time playing D&D, you like the simple things,
or you’re gonna be on your phone all night, play fighter.
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Playing monk is a great experience! Just get all the kung fu

movie jokes out of your system before the game.
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Paladins: they’re just like clerics, but with fewer commitment

issues and more sharp objects to stab things with.
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Play ranger to feel the thrill of the hunt, the wind in your
hair, and a ferret crawling around in your tunic.
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I’d give you a good reason to play a rogue, but let’s be

honest, your party probably already has 3.
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Spells rock, but books are for nerds. Play sorcerer to flex
your magic and shun silly things like “reading.”
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If you play warlock, you have a lot of combat options, like

eldritch blast, eldritch blast, and even eldritch blast!
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Play a wizard if you want a character who likes writing

things down and doing math just as much as you.
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Abjuration is the school of protective magic, perfect for

people who claimed to have a force field in schoolyard games.
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With Conjuration magic, you can take the D&D tradition of

making things up to its logical extreme.
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You can use Divination magic to absolutely destroy any hopes

your DM had of creating mystery and intrigue.
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Enchantment magic affects the minds of others. If you terrify

the rogue with a sudden fireball, it’s technically Enchantment.
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Evocation manipulates magical energy to produce a desired

effect. All spells are secretly Evocation spells, in disguise.
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Illusion magic deceives the minds of others, which is totally

different from Enchantment, and way cooler, mom.
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Necromancy manipulates life and death energies. You can’t cast

these spells unless 60% of your wardrobe is black.
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Alter the properties of objects with Transmutation and learn

the joy of turning everything into a goat.