Excellence in NLP and Life

Coaching

How to Structure Success and Create Influence

at the Expert Level

Dr. Richard K. Nongard

www.SubliminalScience.com
Excellence in NLP and Life Coaching: How to Structure Success and
Create Influence at the Expert Level
Dr. Richard K. Nongard
Copyright © 2021 Dr. Richard K. Nongard
Cover design by Pankaj Singh Renu
Edited by Tamelyda Lux
https://TamelyndaLux.com/

All Rights Reserved.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed,
or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying,
recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior
written permission from the author, except in the case of brief quotations
embodied in critical reviews and certain other non-commercial uses permitted
by copyright law.

First Printing: June 2021

This book is not intended as a substitute for therapeutic advice of a Licensed
Professional.    The reader should consult a mental health professional in
matters relating to his/her individual mental health needs.
 About Dr. Richard K. Nongard

Dr. Richard K. Nongard is a popular conference and keynote speaker

known for his relaxed and engaging style. His focus is on real-world solutions
based on the science of leadership, NLP, life coaching, and counseling
psychology. His presentations focus on leadership, engagement, and actionable
strategies for business success. He works as a professional hypnotist and life
coach, helping people make rapid change in their health, wealth, and habits.
He holds a Doctorate in Transformational Leadership (Cultural
Transformation) from Bakke Graduate University.  
Richard is a business expert who started his career in 1983 as a cold-calling
salesperson in the auto industry. He has engaged in both medical and
educational sales, administration, and product development positions. Richard
is a serial entrepreneur who has owned successful business ventures over the
years.
Richard is the author of numerous books, publications, and training videos.
His book on leadership, Viral Leadership: How to Seize the Power of Now to Create
Lasting Transformation in Business , has already become a popular resource for
leadership development. He has written many other books as well, including
psychology textbooks that have been adapted as textbooks at the university
level, and his 5-star reviews are a testament to the value Richard provides in
both written and spoken media.
Dr. Richard K. Nongard is a coach, consultant, and lecturer, offering
services to business groups, sales groups, and healthcare organizations. You
can bring him to your organization to train your executives or front-line
employees in Leadership, Appreciative Inquiry and/or Emotional Intelligence.
To bring Dr. Richard K. Nongard to your organization or conference as a keynote
speaker, contact him at SubliminalScience.com or (702) 418-3332.
 You may download free resources for this book and the actual forms
I use with clients at:
SubliminalScience.com/NLPbook
To earn your certification as a Profession NLP Practitioner and as a
Professional Life Coach, visit:
SubliminalScience.com
 Some of the many other books by
Dr. Richard K. Nongard

Speak Ericksonian: Mastering the Hypnotic Methods of Milton Erickson

Dr. Richard Nongard’s Big Book of Hypnosis Scripts
The Self-Hypnosis Solution: Step-by-Step Methods and Scripts to Create Profound Change
and Lifelong Results
The Seven Most Effective Methods of Self-Hypnosis: How to Create Rapid Change in your
Health, Wealth, and Habits
Reframing Hypnotherapy: Evidence-Based Techniques for Your Next Hypnosis Session
Magic Words in Hypnosis: The Sourcebook Of Hypnosis Patter and Scripts And How To
Overcome Hypnotic Difficulties
Advanced Parallel Programming and the Law of Attraction: How to Share the Law of
Attraction and Bring Abundance to the People You Love
Viral Leadership: Seize the Power of Now to Create Lasting Transformation in Business
 Table of Contents

Foreword By Dr. David Snyder

Foreword By Chase Hughes
Section One: Ancient NLP, Traditional NLP, And New Ideas In NLP
Chapter 1: Introduction
Chapter 2: Neuro-Linguistic Programming
Chapter 3 : Hallmarks Of Neuro-Linguistic Programming
Chapter 4 : New NLP and Coaching
Chapter 5: New Ideas Since the Beginning of NLP
Chapter 6: Modeling Excellence
Chapter 7: Anchoring
Chapter 8: Ancient NLP
Section Two: Concepts, Processes, And Approaches To NLP Life
Coaching
Chapter 9: NLP Presuppositions
Chapter 10: Life Coaching Models
Chapter 11: NLP Model of Communication
Chapter 12: NLP V.A.K.O.G.
Chapter 13: NLP Swish Pattern
Chapter 14: NLP Assessment of Primary Representational Systems
Chapter 15: The Coaching Agreement
Chapter 16: Client Personal Information
Chapter 17: NLP Transderivational Search
Chapter 18: NLP Trance and Hypnosis
Chapter 19: NLP Eye-Accessing Cues and Calibration
Chapter 20: Socratic Questions
Chapter 21: States and Circle of Excellence
Chapter 22: The Disney Strategy in NLP
Chapter 23: NLP Mapping Across
Chapter 24: NLP Submodalities
Chapter 25: The S.C.O.R.E. Approach to Coaching
Chapter 26: The YES! Set
Chapter 27: The Awareness Wheel
Chapter 28: Active Listening
Chapter 29: Intentions and Goals
Chapter 30: First Session Template
Chapter 31: Decision Destroyer
Chapter 32: Neurological Levels
Chapter 33: Perceptual Position
Chapter 34: The Milton Model
Chapter 35: Association and Dissociation
Chapter 36: Motivational Strategy
Chapter 37: Motivational Interviewing
Chapter 38: Anchoring
Section Three: Classic NLP Patterns
One: The Swish Pattern
Two: Ecology Check Pattern
Three: Creating a Resource State
Four: Six-Step Reframe
Five: Fast Phobia Cure
Six: NLP Spelling Pattern
Seven: The Well-Formed Outcomes Pattern
Eight: Visual Squash
Nine: Falling in Love Pattern
Ten: As-If Pattern
Eleven: Paradoxical Pleasure Pattern
 Foreword by Dr. David Snyder

As one of the foremost recognized experts in neuro-linguistic programming

(NLP) and hypnotherapy, I have worked tirelessly to help my clients create
rapid and lasting change. I have made it my life’s work to share with as many
people as possible how this human technology can change lives.
I am a Doctor of Acupuncture and Chinese Medicine, an ICBCH Certified
Professional Hypnotist, and a well-known advanced practitioner trainer of
neuro-linguistic programming.
My expertise is and has always been finding solutions that are fast,
effective, and permanent in many fields of application ranging from influence
and persuasion and in healing, using these combined technologies for helping,
teaching, and training people to create profound and lasting change and
transformation both on an individual level and a community level. Although I
have been doing this work for decades, it seems as if it was only yesterday that
I first met Dr. Richard Nongard through our mutual acquaintances in
Southern California many years ago.
In addition to our professional interests, we share some personal
commonalities and a deep understanding and love for ancient wisdom,
especially the influences on our current understanding of mind-body
connection from the Far East. Both of us are married to women originally
from China, and both of us have Chinese-American children. Although
Richard speaks more Chinese than I do, we have enjoyed both our
professional time and personal time together.
When I received my advance copy of this book to review, I offered to write
the Foreword because I was so impressed by how Dr. Nongard was able to see
that although the ideas of NLP have only recently been articulated, the
principles of NLP have been at work in Eastern culture for thousands of years.
Before Dr. Nongard, never once have I heard a speaker or read the words of a
writer who was able to equate the NLP presuppositions and the processes of
NLP with the ancient teachings of the Guiguzi or Taoist thinking and then
describe the relevance to modern practice that this ancient wisdom gives us to
create change in our office with a client.
 This book is a practical guide to NLP skills and life coaching practice, yet it
is predicated on the principles of change work with a long and rich history in
Eastern and Western thought. In these pages, you will learn practical NLP
patterns, many coming from the foundational work of Bandler and Grinder
and other well-known developers of NLP. You will also be able to see beyond
what is typically taught as NLP or life coaching and gain from the insights he
brings that extend our learnings back thousands of years, as well as Nongard’s
engagement of new understanding of neuroscience, influence, and
communication that were not discussed in the early days of NLP.
Of value to the practitioner are the insights from both business and
therapeutic applications that the author brings to us. Nongard has an extensive
career as an NLP and life coaching practitioner and a business consultant and
sales trainer. He also has spent years working to create community change, and
he understands that the context of effective NLP is not reserved for one
profession or a certain type of individual but has broad applications for
anyone who wants to transform their own life and then powerfully influence
others in positive ways.
This book shares the timeless ideas of classic NLP and new ideas in a way
that will allow any practitioner of influence or change work to apply the ideas
with real clients who come to see them to create success. It also shares ideas
that speak to the health and wellness of both mind and body. The examples
that are given throughout these pages and the processes taught are true to the
spirit of the original ideas of NLP.
I can recommend this book to anyone who is a new practitioner of NLP
and life coaching to ensure a solid introduction. I can also recommend this
book to seasoned professionals who want to create a deeper and richer
understanding of new ways to impact others.

Dr. David Snyder

Orange County, California 2021
 Foreword by Chase Hughes
Author of The Ellipsis Manual

Dr. Ignaz Semmelweis lived in 1846. After serious problems began to occur in
his practice, he suggested to other doctors that washing their hands would
keep patients from getting sick and might even stop the spread of disease.
Even doctors were dying of similar things their patients were. 
When he suggested that doctors wash their hands, he was laughed at, fired,
and eventually beaten. He died soon thereafter. The other doctors in the
medical community refused to believe they had contributed to patients’
illnesses. They denounced his ideas as “hysterical” and pronounced that ‘the
way things had always been done’ was the only right way to proceed. 
Hypnosis has been through a very similar journey. In the hands of a
practitioner, it can drastically alter the course of someone’s life. The medical
community continues to look with cautious skepticism upon hypnosis as a
practice that might reduce the credibility of the provider. 
Time seems to be the great justifier. 
Not only therapists, but patients as well, tend to see their issues as
requiring lots of time to correct. Hypnosis works so effectively for so many
issues that it continues to be criticized, despite a mountain of evidence
showing us that it is largely more effective than most of the traditional
approaches to correcting patient’s issues. 
In all the academic research on the subject of hypnosis, regardless of where
you look, there is one single thing that is completely ignored; the skill level of
the practitioner. Somehow, the techniques are prescribed as if there were some
universal protocols to a group of study participants. Researchers read boring,
dry scripts from a clipboard and measure whether or not patients’ conditions
improve. Those numbers, good or bad, are then published as a “finding” in a
journal, never once taking into account the quality of the process, the skill of
the provider, or even the social connection to the patient. 
 In this book, Dr. Nongard pulls back the curtain and shows you the most
ignored, and what I would argue is the most impactful aspect of the practice—
human skill in hypnotherapy, NLP, and Life Coaching. 
This book delivers powerful lessons in NLP and Life Coaching, with
applications to hypnotherapy practice that were hard-won and time-tested.
Your ability to produce change in others will always come down to the factors
that the academic community ignores: Your skill level. You’re holding this
book because you understand that, and Dr. Nongard is about to deliver on a
massive scale. 
Whether you are just beginning or entering your second decade as a
practitioner, this book will bring powerful methods that will surely provide
tremendous leverage and power when it comes to what matters to you most -
client results.  
Chase Hughes
Author of The Ellipsis Manual
 SECTION ONE

Ancient NLP, Traditional NLP, and New Ideas in

NLP
 Chapter 1
Introduction

In this book, I will share some useful ideas with you on current trends in
neuro-linguistic programming (NLP) and life coaching. Why do I connect the
two?
Neuro-linguistic programming is a set of strategies that are effective tools
for helping people communicate, helping people to connect, and helping
people to live life at their highest level of peak performance. These are skills
that come from replicating the success of others that have gone before us, and
one of the central ideas in NLP is the idea of the exemplar—who can we
model so that we can follow the patterns of this person and replicate the
success?
I speak about NLP in the context of life coaching often, and the reason
why is that once we learn NLP, it almost always must be within the context of
some other service or at least some other profession. Neuro-linguistic
programming is widely used in the context of politics, in the construct of
leadership development. Those in authority positions certainly use NLP,
whether they are teachers, trainers, mentors in the corporate structure, and
NLP is often used by hypnotherapists as a strategy within the context of their
change work. These strategies often replicate earlier successful hypnotherapists
—Milton Erickson being the primary name.
Psychotherapists often use the concepts or the ideas of NLP to create a
practical strategy for their clients to practice stepping into success and to be
able to overcome the problems that brought them to the office in the first
place. As an approach to psychotherapy, NLP is experiential, allowing the
client to accept change, practice strategies, and act on new ideas.
In the last forty to fifty years, not only has NLP exploded in both its
acceptance and its use but so has life coaching.  Life coaching is far different
than counseling. Life coaches traditionally are not helping people who are in
crisis return to an adequate level of functioning, but rather they are individuals
who are working with people at an adequate level of functioning and helping
them arise to their highest level of peak performance in their families, within
themselves, within their communities, within their jobs, and in a number of
different settings as well. Life coaching becomes a great context for NLP.
It provides a structure to the life coach, so the life coach knows what to do
in the sessions when they are working with clients. It also provides a set of
resources and strategies for the individual who wants to make a change in their
business, in their family, in their community, and within themself. The good
thing about NLP is that its practitioners first transform themselves using the
strategies and techniques outlined by John Grinder and Richard Bandler back
in the very early days of NLP and apply those in a way that can help
themselves and others to rise to their highest level of potential.
The good news here is that, in this book, you are not only looking to learn
how to help other people rise to their level of peak performance, but you are
also learning some strategies that are going to be particularly useful to you .
I am talking about new NLP. And the reason why I am talking about new
NLP is in the last five to twenty years, a lot of exemplars have come along
whose ideas we can pattern, whose ideas we can emulate, whose success we
can step into when we know how to do that.
A lot of people have the idea when I talk about new NLP that I mean out
with the old and in with the new— it is not that.
We are going to retain the classic ideas of NLP in this book, but we are
going to look at new research, new information, new ideas, and new exemplars
and ask how can we apply the models of NLP to solving the problems in the
current era, using the strategies with new exemplars that we know work based
on our earliest experiences with NLP?
We will retain the relevant old ideas, but we are going to add to them a
cadre of new ideas so that we can transform ourselves and create
transformation in others. This is actually very exciting. I call this dynamic NLP .
It is NLP for the current era that we are living in so that we can solve the
modern problems that we have and be able to do that in a way that is most
effective. A lot of people have made a significant adjustment to the way they
learn. They are now learning at home because of our experience with COVID-
19. A lot of educators are learning how to teach online, and teaching online is
entirely different than teaching in a classroom.    This trend, accelerated by
COVID-19, is not going away. It is the new normal for our future in many
situations.
 How can we take the principles of learning, and how can we take the
principles of educating within the context of NLP skills and apply them to our
current problem?
That is really what this book is all about.
The field of coaching has changed how it is that we deliver services. State
legislative bodies and regulatory agencies have looked at the division of
psychotherapy and life coaching and began to ask questions about whether life
coaches are duplicating the work of psychotherapists. We want to make sure
that when we are offering services to people who want to move to their
highest level of peak performance that we are doing it in the context of the
current regulatory environment and in the context of what we now know
about life coaching, which is its own unique and distinct profession different
from that of psychotherapy.
There have been a lot of new ideas in the last forty years. In this book, I
will talk about Chase Hughes’ work in body language, and I will look at an old
figure historically in public relations, Edward Bernays.
We will be looking at some of the old ideas in persuasion and public
relations from the new perspective of NLP and cover Robert Cialdini's work
on influence. Robert Cialdini is a professor at Arizona State University. His
ideas were not looked at by NLP in the early days because his books were
written later, but NLP practitioners are interested in influencing people in
positive ways. Cialdini's work gives us a set of patterns that we can replicate to
influence people in positive ways.
We will look at a couple of different ideas that are really the modern
embodiment of applying NLP and how we can bring those ideas into coaching
people—whether that coaching is life coaching, individual coaching, coaching
teams, coaching in corporate environments, or even in the family. One of my
favorite things has been to use the principles of NLP and coaching within my
family so that my family can do well together.
We can use the same principles and techniques in our community as well.
We will also look at cognitive neuroscience. This is one of those ideas that was
not addressed in early NLP. There were assumptions made about how the
mind works. But we have a body of knowledge now that we did not have
before with new exemplars like Cialdini, Chase Hughes, and others. We are
also going to take a look at the documentation that we need in the current era
of life coaching in order to really make clear the type of services we are
providing.
I have been practicing NLP, life coaching, professional hypnotherapy, and
family therapy, as a mental health professional, for almost thirty years now. I
will share with you my experience and how I have applied these principles to
real-world clients.
I will share the structure of success, the patterns of progress, assessment of
appropriateness, and a metatheoretical approach that can take the body of
knowledge that we have developed in NLP and apply it to today's context.
There is the idea that there is nothing new under the sun. What Bandler
and Grinder started in the 1970s was actually a continuum of previous
knowledge. When I first posted about ancient NLP on social media,
somebody asked me, “What? You're going to go all the way back to 1969?” In
this book, we go back 5,000 years. Some people ask, how is that possible?
After all, Richard Bandler and John Grinder articulated the ideas of NLP in
the late 1960s and the early 1970s. But King Solomon said something amazing.
And that is, “There is nothing new under the sun.” And we can see that even
though it was not described as NLP in early or ancient literature, the
techniques, the methods, the ideas behind NLP are ideas that have endured the
test of time. Certainly, Bandler and Grinder's fantastic contribution of
systemizing this and helping us to really understand the mechanisms of NLP is
important.
The thing about not limiting ourselves to a modern era approach to NLP
is that we can create new patterns from a wide range of different resources,
both Eastern and Western.
I hope you are enthused by the endless possibilities to look both in the
current era and in years gone by to find methods that can genuinely help
produce change.
When you finish this book, you will have a new set of ideas, a new set of
strategies that are going to help you in the work that you do, whether you're
working in business or sales, or whether you're working in therapy or
counseling, or whether you're working with individuals in your community,
helping the community to become a better place and applying these principles
in your own life as well.
 Chapter 2
Neuro-linguistic Programming

What is neuro-linguistic programming (NLP)? The reality is if you ask this to

just about anybody, you will find a similar but different set of answers. I like to
describe NLP as praxiological (meaning encompassing many different
disciplines and ideas). I have used NLP as a strategy to help my clients achieve
their highest level of potential and recover from their deepest lows. As a
certified professional hypnotist, I have incorporated NLP techniques into the
professional hypnosis that I offer to help people create faster responses, more
predictable outcomes, and to help them achieve success at really, a faster level
than maybe they even expected themselves. I view NLP as an applied method
of helping people make change wherever they are and wherever they are going
in life.
NLP deals with our emotions. It deals with our resource states. It deals
with all the aspects of how we go about thinking and how we can go about
changing the automatic or the subconscious thought patterns. Neuro-linguistic
programming is also a guide to interpersonal relationships. Would you like to
be a more effective communicator? Would you like to be able to communicate
more persuasively or with greater levels of influence? That is important if you
have children. It is also important if you supervise employees. These
communication and interpersonal guide skills that come from NLP have
applications across relationships, personal as well as professional. I am very
lucky that I was exposed to NLP when I was just eighteen years old. I have
used the techniques and the strategies to build effective friendships and
business relationships, and to navigate the difficulties of life in many different
ways with the many different people I've encountered by being confident in
my ability to use effective communication patterns to persuade, influence,
bring people together, and create a sense of community.
Neuro-linguistic programming is the systemizing of success. What Richard
Bandler and John Grinder did in the late 1960s and early 1970s was to look at
some therapists who are known for being highly effective at helping people
make change. They picked three people to look at initially. There have been
many other exemplars in NLP over the years, but initially, they looked at Fritz
Perls, the creator of gestalt therapy. They assessed what it was about his
language, the way he worked with individuals, the techniques that he used to
produce such profound change. They also looked at Virginia Satir, a renowned
family therapist from the Family Therapy Institute of California. In any family
therapy training program today, they still teach and talk about the methods of
Virginia Satir. Bandler and Grinder worked with her to distill the techniques
that she used in her therapy to help families come together and function at
their greatest potential.
They went to Phoenix, Arizona, in the early 1970s and spent time with
Milton Erickson. Milton Erickson was a medical doctor who was a renowned
medical hypnotist. He was a psychiatrist, and he treated individuals in his
medical approach with hypnotherapy. He is really considered the father of
modern medical hypnotherapy. They evaluated what separates Erickson from
others, the language he used, and the techniques and methods. And they asked
whether they could distill the techniques, the methods, the language of these
highly successful change workers and then teach these to other people so that
they could be repeated. And the answer, of course, was yes! They replicated
the success of others. Bandler and Grinder really systemized the idea of
creating success. They provided models and patterns, and strategies so that
each one of us could step into our greatest potential version of ourselves and
help other people—whether they are family, colleagues and coworkers, or
clients in therapy or coaching or hypnosis to experience success as well.
Neuro-linguistic programming is also about creating an understanding
between the yin and the yang, between the dual nature of people, between the
mind/body, between the thoughts and the actions that people take, and
between the patterns and the people of the planet Earth. All these ideas
related to NLP are, of course, simple definitions. The great thing about NLP is
that it is really a big tent idea. There are many different strategies underneath
it, a lot of different teachers of NLP, and each one of them has brought their
wisdom and unique ways to this profession. Robert Dilts was an early pioneer
in NLP training, as were Steve and Connirae Andreas. The ideas and
contributions that they have made have expanded our understanding and
definitions of NLP and helped us create replicable patterns to truly help
people experience success.
The N in NLP stands for neuro . That is the idea of our brain. Much of
modern psychotherapy now concerns itself with the idea of brain science and
neurons. We understand how the brain synapses work and the chemical codes,
program our previous experiences and produce responses with our
subconscious mind. Bandler and Grinder, by paying attention to the
neurological or the physical component of how NLP functioned, offered an
important way to differentiate between doing the same thing this person did to
have the same outcomes, bringing it to a deeper level.
The L in NLP is linguistic . John Grinder was a linguist. He taught at the
University of California as a language professor. And he understood that
language represents and symbolizes ideas, experiences, emotions and that
when we use language, we elicit behaviors, responses, and change. By
combining the mind with the tongue, we can teach people to program
themselves for success.
What would you like to accomplish with your life? To what level of success
would you like to rise? Neuro-linguistic programming gives you a system for
understanding these ideas, for accessing that success, for creating important
relationships in the world around you, and changing the stinking thinking , the
psychological potholes along the way that keep us from rising to our greatest
level of performance. Underneath all of this, though, is a foundation for the
idea of modeling success. What Bandler and Grinder did was amazing. They
went to highly successful people, and they asked to observe them, work with
them, and study them. They wanted to understand how it was that they had
created their success so that they could then create ways of teaching other
people to rise to the same level of success. This is the P in NLP, the
programming .
In many NLP training programs, those early ideas of Bandler and Grinder
and the modeling and the patterns that they established are still consistently
taught. But rarely do most teaching look beyond the golden era of NLP
development.
In this book, we will be looking at not just that period of the sixties,
seventies, and eighties, but the current era. Are there new exemplars that we
can model? Can we find people whose successes we can replicate in different
and important areas of life? Can we apply these to our coaching? Can we apply
these to our hypnotherapy? Can we apply these to our psychotherapy, our
leadership, our business acumen and use the strategies to help build a
business? Can we apply these new exemplars and these new models to our
own personal development and rise to our greatest level? Can we make this the
best year yet using these strategies? The answer is yes.
 We are going to go back 5,000 years ago. We are going to ask what systems
have been written about and talked about that can help lead us into success
using the ideas of NLP to create a new understanding of old ideas. There was
no NLP 5,000 years ago, but there was Guiguzi, the Sage of Ghost Valley.
There was Sun Tzu and The Art of War . Many other strategy teachers taught us
not just about war but about business, community, relationships, and success.
Those are the things that we are going to be exploring in the rest of this book.
 Chapter 3
Hallmarks of Neuro-Linguistic Programming

NLP Presuppositions
This book will describe each of these hallmarks in detail during appropriate
chapters. This section provides some key concepts that are hallmarks of NLP.
When we think of the foundations of NLP, the classics of NLP, we are also
talking about the presuppositions. You see, NLP is not built on a bunch of
theories. It is based on what works in the real world. Bandler and Grinder were
famous for saying, “If it works, it's NLP.” What we are doing here is we are
looking for people who have the desired outcomes, and then we are figuring
out if what they did to reach that outcome worked.
This is one of the things that makes it difficult to put to the academic test
with peer-reviewed journals. Peer-reviewed studies look at the theories and test
the hypothesis, but in NLP, we really do not have any hypothesis. What we
have is the experiences of people who have gone before us—it is very
practical.
Replicating Patterns of Success
In the earliest days of NLP, the creators were so excited to be able to
replicate the successes of Virginia Satir, medical hypnotherapist Milton
Erickson, psychologist and psychotherapist Fritz Perls, as well as others who
they studied. And they were excited to share those outcomes without giving
much attention to the philosophical basis. What has happened in the last forty
or fifty years, which we really do not spend too much time focusing on in
teaching NLP, is that we have learned the psychobiology of behavioral
responses and emotional responses.
We now understand the mind/body connection from the work of Bruce
Lipton and other people who have written on this subject, both in academia
and popular psychology. And we now understand the importance of our brain,
the literal brain, in creating the ability to access and replicate the patterns of
success, which NLP has shared and discovered.
 I love writing about NLP within the context of acceptance and
commitment therapy, within the context of mindfulness-based stress
reduction. We know that the mind is not primed to stay in the present
moment. Because of evolutionary biology, our mind looks at the past and tries
to predict the future. And it is always scanning the past to make a decision
about the future. This is how the mind works, but we can create, practice, and
utilize techniques like mindfulness-based stress reduction that can teach a
person to do what the brain is not naturally inclined to do, and that is to live
fully in the present moment.
The result of this is that people handle stress better. They handle decision-
making better, handle relationships better, and it is more likely that they will be
able to step into their intentions and dreams.
Primary Representational Systems
Classic NLP really focused on the primary representational systems. You
can think of this in the context of the five senses—olfactory, taste, gustatory,
smell, etc. Most people are not olfactory or gustatory learners. They are usually
auditory, visual, or kinesthetic learners. Kinesthetic is tactile, feeling, touching.
These five senses are how we experience the world around us. And the earliest
writers in NLP recognized the value of determining a person's primary
representational system. Are they functioning as an auditory learner and
experiencer? Are they functioning as a visual learner and experiencer? Do they
experience the world around them from a kinesthetic perspective?
How do you know if you are auditory, visual, or kinesthetic or if somebody
you are working with is auditory, visual, or kinesthetic? I put it in the context
of the modern era and IKEA furniture.
How can building IKEA furniture help us determine what representational
system we have?

The auditory learner experiences the world by hearing things, by

saying things. They read the directions because the directions are
literally “heard” in their mind.
The visual experiencer takes the picture that is on the box, looks at all
the pieces, and tries to build what they see.
The kinesthetic experiencer takes the pieces, touches them, feels the
painted side and the unfinished side. They align those together. They
 see which pieces are heavier, bigger, and smaller. And they build it by
feeling it.
The way you build IKEA furniture can reveal what your primary
representational system is. Our primary representational system is essential.
Our clients are experiencing their problems from an auditory perspective,
whether it is self-talk or the messages imposed by others. They are
experiencing it visually, seeing their future either negatively or positively. Or
they are feeling their emotions weighing them down or a lightness and a power
of success. The early NLP practitioners focused on being able to assess the
client's primary representational system and then encouraged us to be
congruent so that we were able to work within the skill sets they had to help
them achieve their greatest level of potential.
The problem with that idea is that it is rather limiting. It is limiting because
our clients are going to go back into the real world. And the real world is
auditory. It is kinesthetic. It is visual. It is olfactory. It is gustatory. There are
multiple sensorial experiences. When I have a client whose visual acuity is high
but kinesthetic acuity is low, I work with them to help increase their kinesthetic
acuity. When my clients have a low level of auditory acuity and a high level of
kinesthetic acuity, rather than simply trying to master kinesthetic awareness, I
help them learn how to increase their auditory acuity to operate holistically in
the world around them.
Rapport
The idea of rapport is central to helping other people, whether you are a
hypnotist, a psychotherapist, a business leader, a boss, a parent, or a good
community member. To influence other people, we have to engage them, and
the easiest way to engage people is to create rapport with them. And NLP
training is always focused on skills and rapport.

Proxemics
Proxemics simply means to attend or to be with somebody and the impact
that has on them. We respond psychophysiologically to the presence of other
people. This tells me how I can increase my rapport-building skills by
understanding proxemics and my relationship to other people's relationships.
These ideas worked around forty or fifty years ago, but they are ideas we can
put to use today.
 In the office, how do we position ourselves with clients? I often deliver my
pre-talk as a hypnotherapist and as a life coach at my front table. My client
feels safe because there is some space between them and me. When comfort
and rapport are built, we move to the hypnotic furniture, my client to the
recliner, and I to my chair—near them, closer to them, sharing trance
experiences with them.
I do not view myself as doing hypnosis to anybody, or doing therapy to
anybody, or doing coaching to anybody. I view myself as sharing trance with
them, sharing expertise with them, or sharing the resources that have helped
me transform and help the clients I work with transform to get the benefits
that others who have gone before them have.

Patterns of Success
In classic NLP, we talk about patterns replicating success.
This is at the heart of life coaching, helping people to reach what they
believe their greatest level of potential is. Patterns are replicable. Patterns of
success can help in overcoming difficult emotions, becoming motivated, and
building a set of resource states that are of value to me. All these things are the
ideas of NLP patterns. Some of the classic patterns you may have heard of are
the Swish Pattern or the Six-Step Reframe. They are all classic NLP patterns,
but the question is, what new patterns can we develop? And can we develop
them in multiple professions?
In the context of sales, we can look at exemplars who are exceptional
salespeople, such as Zig Ziglar. We can create a pattern from these folks
because these were not looked at in early NLP. But if one wants to be a
successful salesperson, we need to look at the modern exemplars in this
industry or any other industry and ask can these steps to success be distilled
down into a formula or a pattern, taught to other people, and then replicated?
The answer to that is almost always yes.
Neurological Levels
Neurological levels deal with the who, what, when, and how. These are
classic concepts in NLP, as are language patterns. But language changes. The
same language that we use today was not available forty or fifty years ago. It is
said that in fifty years, twenty percent of the common language, the everyday
language that people use, will have changed from what it was in previous years.
How do we know this is true? Read an old book. The language is archaic. And
the language patterns that were studied in early NLP and are still taught in
many classes are not necessarily the language patterns that people are using
today.
 Chapter 4
New NLP and Coaching

I want to share some specific ideas from some exemplars that I think can give
us a modern approach and a modern understanding of neuro-linguistic in the
context of life coaching. These are some exceptional ideas.
Many of you have read Chase Hughes’ book titled The Ellipsis Manual .
How do I know that? Because it is the best-selling book in hypnotherapy and
the best-selling book on body language and is one of the best-selling books in
law enforcement. It is a fantastic book written by a military intelligence
specialist, Chase Hughes, who shares his twenty-plus years of experience in
studying body language and interrogations, and leadership, and a range of
diverse yet related topics. Chase shares some ideas that can help us to develop
rapport back to the classic NLP idea. The ideas have influenced the language
patterns that create success, and NLP is largely dependent on language. John
Grinder, the co-creator of NLP, was a linguistics professor. So, it makes sense
that we focused in early NLP on the spoken word.
Chase Hughes is an expert in body language. What it is that people are
saying through gestures, motions, placing of their body, their eyes, their
conscious, as well as their subconscious gesturing and movement, can help us
become a more effective communicator, parent, teacher, politician, friend, life
coach, and clinician.
Let us take a look at some of the ideas that Chase Hughes has developed in
the last twenty years of studying this and published in his recent book, The
Ellipsis Manual . The ideas can help you to help other individuals reach their
highest level of performance as you also reach your highest level of
performance. We can call this the five suppositions or five pillars of nonverbal
communication and body language from Chase Hughes.

There are three types of body language. A lot of people are interested
in body language but are afraid they have to learn a whole new body
language vocabulary. Chase assures us that in his many years of
nonverbal communication studies, that there are only three types of
 body language. There is either opening, closing, or aggressive
communication.
I had an interesting discussion with Chase about the idea of the scrolls of
Guiguzi, the Tao, and the ancient idea that whether a door is open or closed,
there is opportunity in both. Chase teaches that when we understand that all
body language comes down to either opening or closing or aggression, we can
then find ourselves on the right side of the door to interact in a way that builds
rapport, builds alliances, can help us to problem solve and to influence other
people, and to put ourselves in a position of authority in situations where
before this, we might not have had that. Does that sound like it would be
useful in parenting? Teaching? Absolutely.

Most of our observation is on accident. Deliberate observation puts

you light years ahead of other people—practicing the art of
observation.
The art of observation begins by observing yourself. We can go back to an
ancient practice of yoga. We can learn body scan meditation. It will teach us to
begin to observe other people. We can go to Milton Erickson's method of self-
hypnosis, which was to sit before a mirror for twenty minutes in silence,
simply reflecting on your observation of the self in that mirror. If you have
never utilized that as a self-hypnosis technique, let me encourage you to do
that. It is remarkable what the results of that twenty-minute session can be.
And, if you do this multiple times, you will discover that there is something
really deep about observing the self. When we practice observing the self, we
can then begin to observe other people. Neuro-linguistic programming has
always talked about the observer self. Meditation talks about the observer self.
Chase Hughes ties it all together for us in the context of body language. If I
want to be good at understanding other people, I must be good at
understanding myself.

Fear makes us move faster. He gives a solution to the natural

inclination to move faster when we have fear. And that is that if you
want to build trust with an individual, make the decision that you are
never going to move faster in your conversation or your presentation
than you can if you are underwater. In other words, if you never move
faster than you can move underwater, you will not be broadcasting the
nonverbal message of fear or a lack of confidence. And the result is
other people will be drawn into you. And trust will be created.
 We can physically position ourselves and other people to make
decisions. We ask people to make decisions in parenting, and sales,
and psychotherapy, leadership, and life coaching. Chase points
something out that is really important. Never ask a person to take an
action or make a decision while their back is against the chair. Rather,
we should have them on the edge of their chair when we ask for
commitment, when we ask for change, when we ask for action.
If I were sitting across from somebody who was leaning into the chair and
I was about ready to ask them to make a decision, I might simply say to them,
“Go ahead and take this pen and write on this paper.” They must lean forward
and away from the back of their chair. I am asking them to get into the
position nonverbally with their body language of acceptance, commitment,
follow-through, and making a decision. This is a simple strategy, but the
profound nature of these strategies from Chase Hughes, a modern exemplar
that we can look at in the context of NLP in life coaching, is truly useful.

Create the body language that you need from somebody before you ask
any questions. Again, we can hand somebody a pen to have openness,
or we can ask people by giving them assignments or tasks. In life
coaching, I give all my clients a lot of homework and a lot of tasks to
complete. They put themselves in the body language of openness and
acceptance. They put themselves in the body language of congruence
and partnership to achieve the goals that are important to me.
You can see that even though Chase Hughes might not have even been
born when NLP was first discussed, now in his adult life, he has revealed for
us a tremendous amount of information on body language that we can now
use in our sessions and with our clients to create success at the highest levels.
These simple strategies that Chase has articulated in his research and his
book The Ellipsis Manual are useful tools that can help us to become more
effective NLP practitioners and more effective life coaches guiding other
people .
 Chapter 5
New Ideas Since the
Beginning of NLP

Robert Cialdini
Robert Cialdini is a research professor at Arizona State University, and he
wrote a book on influence aptly titled Influence . This book did not come out
until about 1985. He has written numerous books since then. Because he is a
university professor, the ideas behind what he has written about are based on
theoretical foundations, unlike NLP, the philosophy being if it works, it's NLP.
This is important because we need to move NLP into a more research-based
approach. At the heart of NLP classes and discussions on the internet is often
the question of how to influence people. Robert Cialdini gives us the answer.
In his books, he talks about the six elements of truly influencing other people.
This can be influencing a community, a large group, or another individual one-
on-one. His ideas are particularly useful in a coaching model. Let us take a
look at the six ideas that are the heart of his six rules for influence.
The six rules for influence are reciprocity, scarcity, authority, consistency,
liking or likeability, and consensus. Let’s explore each one of these in the
context of NLP and how we can use these as part of a modern approach to
NLP patterns.

The idea behind reciprocity is that I do something for you, and you
do something for me. This is often used in sales, and sales
professionals are interested in the idea of NLP. And we can borrow
the concept of reciprocity. If I am a car salesman at a Honda
dealership, I can get some Honda key chains, and I can give them to
people that go on a demo ride. I might say, “Imagine what it would be
like to have your key hanging on this? Here you go. Here is a key
chain for you.” I gave them something small, a gift.
What are they going to give me? They are going to give me a sale.    The
idea of reciprocity can be used to motivate people. It can be used to encourage
people in a certain direction. It can be used to influence people and achieve
the outcomes that we want. We can also use reciprocity linguistically. I can say,
“Thank you.” I can say, “Please.” I can use kind language, expecting to get
kind language in return. I can use assertive communication like, “I feel . . .” or
“I want . . .” or “I need . . .” expecting a return. This is important in coaching
couples—to receive assertive communication back. The principle of
reciprocity can be used in several different ways in the context of coaching and
NLP.

The second idea, the concept of scarcity, is very important. In NLP,

we talk about motivating people—either toward motivation or away
from motivation.    Toward motivation is going to something. Often
though, it is the away from motivation that is most powerful. People
want to flee from scarcity.    A coach can use scarcity as a tool for
helping people move toward something.
Let me give you an example of how that might work. I might be coaching a
business client who is trying to make a big decision about moving forward in
their career and considering whether to say yes to a big project. I can remind
my client of what scarcity is like. “Remember twenty years ago when you didn't
take advantage of the opportunity that was in front of you? What was the
result of that experience? Now that you face the same choice, making a
decisive decision, do you see the choice that is obvious that will have the long-
term results that you desire?” I have just used scarcity as a tool for influencing
in a positive direction.

The third idea is authority. In my office is my wall of authority.

Hanging there are my diplomas and a doctorate in transformational
leadership from Bakke Graduate University. My degree is in cross-
cultural engagement. Right below it is a certificate from the former
governor of Texas, Ann Richards. In 1994, she said I was a “ray of
light” to other Texans. When people walk into my office, they see that
wall of authority, the certificates, the diplomas, certification as a
professional hypnotist, and as a life coach. They think Richard knows
what he is talking about. Now I hope that my experience, my many
books, and the results that I have had also speak to my authority, but
when clients do not know me, that is the first thing they see. That wall
of authority is one way to establish authority, but you do not need a
 lot of certificates, certifications, diplomas, degrees to establish
authority.
You can speak with authority. This goes to both the nonverbal
communication that Chase Hughes teaches us and the language patterns that
NLP has distilled from Milton Erickson. We can speak to people, and we can
establish our authority. I always stress to my clients that the techniques we are
using come from my own application of the material and my own self-
transformation. I teach my clients the tools that I am using in my own life.
Authority also comes from seeing the results with the many clients I have
worked with. My clients know they are not the first ones. The methods that I
use are based on the research that we know works. In other words, Richard,
who is also a professor, understands research, and he uses empirically validated
ideas. That does not mean we will not use experimental or experiential or
other ideas in the work that we do, but that some of the ideas are coming from
a basis of authority in the research.

The fourth idea here is consistency. Consistency was important when

I was growing up, and it continues to be important to me to this day.
You can set a clock by me because I am usually doing the same thing
at the same time on the same days. This has helped me, I think, be an
effective parent. If we want to use strategies for influencing our
children, consistency is one of them. A lot of people come to me for
business coaching, but really, it is the family issues, especially in
family-run businesses or in the current era where people are working
from home.
The next idea is likability. Likability creates influence. People really do
not vote for the person—for president—they agree with most. They
vote for the person they want to go to eat lunch with. Likability
counts. Likability is important. Is your hair cut? Do you dress okay? Is
your shirt ironed? Do you have a Swiss chronometer? Are you a
likable person? Do you use kind language? Do you communicate
assertively rather than passive-aggressively? All of these, again, are
ideas related to likability. Do you ask other people during your
rapport-building phase about them? Or are you using self-disclosure
in coaching as a primary strategy and not asking about them, instead
talking about yourself. That is less likable. There is a place for self-
disclosure, but it is a balance.
 The sixth principle is the idea of consensus and consensus-building.
In our political climate now, half the people are red, and half the
people are blue. The blue people hate the red ones, and the red ones
hate the blue. It seems that there is no consensus, but at many times
in our political history, we have come to a point of conflict.
But it has always been consensus-building that has led the way to
compromise. It has always been listening and attending to others. Neuro-
linguistic programming gives us a whole host of listening skills that we can
implement, that we conduct ourselves now verbally and leaning in. I was
taught years ago S.O.L.E.R. — s it down, have o pen body posture, l ean
forward, make e ye contact, and r elax. This establishes rapport and helps us
to influence people.
These ideas by Cialdini are rarely ever talked about in NLP training
programs. But every one of these ideas is a useful strategy we can implement
in the work that we are doing as we move NLP toward a modern approach
that helps people with the current era issues they are facing.
 Chapter 6
Modeling Excellence

The ideas of NLP were really based on John Grinder and Richard Bandler's
observation of three primary characters: Virginia Satir, a family therapist in
Southern California, Fritz Perls, a psychologist at the University of California
Santa Cruz, and Milton Erickson, a psychiatrist who practiced medical
hypnotherapy in Phoenix, Arizona. These are three excellent exemplars, and,
as one who is also a licensed therapist, I have really been able to use the ideas
derived from those therapists who were successful with their clients to help
the individuals with whom I have worked. I have appreciated the history of
NLP that was founded essentially on these three exemplars, as well as some
others. But the reality is there are multiple exemplars in multiple professionals.
There are people in sales, community development, parenting, politics, and
leadership whose work we can model to create success. A modern approach to
NLP asks the question who else could be an exemplar? And what patterns of
NLP from these individuals can we create or utilize?
It is interesting that, while Milton Erickson, Virginia Satire, and Fritz Perls
were fantastic exemplars, one of the focuses of NLP early on was influence.
And yet, I have never seen anything written in any of the early NLP books that
was based on Edward Bernays’ work.
Edward Bernays
You may have heard Edward Bernays’ name before if you are in the public
relations field. Edward Bernays, who was Sigmund Freud's nephew, was an
interesting character whose work changed the fabric of American society. He
worked on numerous public relations campaigns.
One of his campaigns was to help cigarette manufacturers make female
smoking acceptable. He tied it to the idea of suffrage, women's leadership, and
the right to vote. Edward Bernays’ ideas were both controversial and
interesting but powerful.
The luggage industry went to Edward Bernays early on and said they were
worried that they weren’t selling enough luggage and wondered how he could
help them sell more luggage. Edward Bernays was the person who could do
that. Bernays developed a way to help the luggage industry sell more luggage.
He sent articles to magazines with titles like “What the well-dressed woman
needs to wear on the weekend.” The strategies in these articles that were then
published in national magazines included having multiple wardrobes, which
would have to be packed in protective luggage. He gave free luggage to
cinemas for movie displays and to theaters for plays, and that luggage could be
used as props and seen by audiences in the newly developed Hollywood movie
industry. In his public relations campaigns to health departments, he suggested
that they stress the importance of each person having their own luggage, not
sharing luggage with other people for hygiene reasons. He encouraged stores
to put luggage in their window displays. A fresh relationship was created
between new styles of clothing and new luggage styles. He wrote to colleges
and universities to send to their new students lists of what they would need,
clothing, etcetera, and the luggage that they would need to move onto
campuses.
He created an industry trade group called Luggage Information Service
(L.I.S.). This then could be an easy way for any journalist or salesperson who
wanted to know more about luggage to make a phone call and get answers
about luggage.
Bernays urged architects to build homes with closets big enough to store
luggage. He wrote to sixty-six railway companies and ten steamship
companies, and he urged them to make sure the designers left plenty of room
for the luggage people would need.
He lobbied foreign embassies to increase the free weight allowances for
those traveling abroad.
And he gave luggage to movie stars to pose with and be seen with. Edward
Bernays' technique is still used today in the fashion industry, giving Instagram
stars t-shirts, purses, jewelry, etcetera. We have a whole new industry called
influencers. This is really based on the ideas of Edward Bernays, who was also
a controversial figure politically. He was a fascinating figure, this nephew of
Sigmund Freud. Nonetheless, in the history of public relations, Edward
Bernays is one of the most influential people.
Edward Bernays helped the luggage industry to increase their sales and
popularize the individual ownership of luggage early in our country's history. I
do not think we would have rappers shilling Louis Vuitton bags without him.
And I do not believe that we would have Gucci suitcases and laptop cases if, in
part, it was not for Edward Bernays. We can see that here is a person who
systemically created patterns of success for persuading large groups of people,
societies as a whole to take actions.
How do we put that in the context of the coaching work that we do? Our
clients come to us because they want to transform themselves, and they want
to transform others, but they also want to leave a legacy of success. I like to
quote Randy Dobbs, the author of a book titled Transformational Leadership: A
Blueprint for Real Organizational Change , who said that “Good leaders leave
behind a cadre of other leaders.” This is often done through public relations,
through influence on a community scale, or even, in the case of Edward
Bernays, on a nationwide scale.
We can replicate the success of others in other industries by creating NLP
patterns in the current era that help us help other people and help ourselves as
well. We can look beyond just psychotherapy for solutions to change work to
all the exemplars that have genuinely helped us to create success in our world.
 Chapter 7
Anchoring

If you have taken hypnotherapy certification or are familiar with NLP, you
know about the idea of anchoring. Bandler and Grinder described anchoring
as the tendency of one element of an experience to revivify the whole
experience.
Anchoring Example
An example of an anchor is this scenario:    You are walking through the
mall, and you hear a song on the speakers, a song that was played at your
wedding. Suddenly, although you are walking through the mall, you are walking
down the wedding aisle one more time or, in your mind, walking onto the
dance floor to have that dance one more time. Anchoring is the idea that when
we have an emotion, a thought, an experience, when we have a cue in our
environment—a sound, feeling, sight, sense, taste, touch—a simple element
can bring us back to a different time or place. Sometimes it can bring us back
to distressing events. Anchors are set naturally. They do not require a therapist.
We all experience anchors every single day in our life. Whether we have a
therapist or whether we have a hypnotist or a coach or not, many times, we
have set anchors to bring us back to anxiety, to depression, to distress.
Part of the NLP or life coach's job is to help an individual to be able to
break these anchors that have been set that revivify negative experiences and
to set new anchors so the individual can step into positive experiences.

Anchoring Technique
In the world of hypnosis, one well-known anchoring technique is to touch
the thumb and index finger together, pressing them tightly. A hypnotist will
often have a person in hypnosis create a resource state, such as a state of joy,
confidence, happiness, or whatever it is they would like to feel. They have
them touch her thumb and index finger together. Then they give the post-
hypnotic suggestion that anytime in the next day or two or week or two, the
individual needs to access this state of comfort, calm, or confidence, they will
touch their thumb and index finger together, and it will bring them right back
to where they were at the time the anchor was established.
This is a simple anchoring technique that is used very often in
hypnotherapy. It was one of the first techniques in NLP or hypnosis taught.
But the idea behind NLP goes far beyond the conscious decision to engage in
an action that brings us back to previous experiences and helps us to deal with
the subconscious reservoir that we have all created between our experiences
and our outcomes, experiences, and expectations. It helps us to break the old
patterns and step into new patterns. Would you like to know how to do this in
your own life so that you can reach your highest level of peak performance or
help clients to be able to break these patterns and to step into a pattern of
success? Robert Dilts, one of the early pioneers in NLP education, referred to
anchoring as stimuli that will constantly recreate. What is important here is the
idea that when an anchor is fired, whether it is conscious or unconscious, it
does predictably and consistently revivify that resource state that is going to be
of value.
 Chapter 8
Ancient NLP

I want to give you a couple of examples before I talk about the Sage of Ghost
Valley and the wisdom that he gave us that changed the history of a nation and
perhaps, even the history of the world. The Nine Hand Seals, or 九字印 in the
Chinese language, is both a Chinese and a Japanese strategy that is based on
the Dao (the yin and yang). It is the idea that everything coexists together and
that when we are experiencing, for example, a lack of confidence, we have the
ability to access confidence.
The Nine Hand Seals
The idea in the Nine Hand Seals as applied to martial arts is that certain
seals, certain things that are done with the hand, and certain signals are tied to
a mantra. That mantra can produce a resource state of value to the fighter, the
warrior, the father, the leader, or the business executive.
The significant thing about the art of warfare is that it does not just deal
with warfare but deals with the ability to create internal resources. There are
Nine Hand Seals taught in martial arts and, in this book, I will cover two of
them.

Rin:  This was tied to a mantra of the thunderbolt and power, and it is

done by placing the hands together, fingers interlocked, and the index
(or sometimes middle) fingers are raised and pressed together. When
martial artists create this hand seal, they access the resource state that
is going to be a value to them—one of power.
Tō is known as the “outer lion.” It is a hand seal where you put your
hands together, cross the index fingers over to touch the opposite
ring fingers, then cross the middle finger over. The ring and pinkie
fingers are kept straight and separated. The tips of the ring and pinkie
fingers are pressed together to form a V shape. You have likely seen
martial artists strike a pose and create something with their hands.
This is a symbol to them, an anchor that they have created to then
 access a resource state that is going to help them in the challenging
situation that they are facing. This is an example of anchoring from
our ancient wisdom and our ancient understanding.

Religion
We do not have to go to the East. We can go to the Hebrew Bible. We can
look at scripture verses. It does not matter if you are a believer or a non-
believer; you are probably familiar with these verses if you grew up in America:

Psalm 23, which is read at almost every funeral. "Even though I walk
through the valley of death." Why? Because this passage has been
anchored to creating comfort in difficult times.
Matthew 6:28 comes from the Beatitudes. It is a calming verse Jesus
taught when he said, “Consider the lilies of the field, they toil not,
neither do they spin.” This passage is interpreted as meaning they do
not worry about what clothes they are going to wear. They do not
spin and toil as you do.
Psalm 139 is a verse many people are familiar with, which gives us a
sense of security. “You hem me in behind and before,” and He knows
the steps that we take.
1 Peter 5:7 is a verse that has helped a lot of people to calm anxiety,
“Cast all your cares on him because he cares for you.”
What is fascinating about this is that these are consistent with anchoring
resource states. These come from a cultural tradition that most of us are
familiar with, and yet we have never thought about in the context of NLP.
When we study NLP, we can see how the ancient wisdom were explanations
and attempts to help us replicate the success of other people and step into the
abundance that we have been promised in this life no matter what the source.

It Works
Let us take a look at an idea that doesn't come from thousands of years
ago, and it's not directly related to anchoring, but I wanted to point out it's a
good example of NLP before NLP was articulated.
In the late 1920s, Roy Herbert Jarrett wrote a book titled It Works . And if
you are familiar at all with the Law of Attraction and the literature in this
genre, you are probably familiar with this red book. Millions of people have
read this book and created success. They have replicated the success of Roy
Herbert Jarrett by following the three simple steps that he offered in his book:

1. The first is to create a list. Create a list of everything that you want.
Focus on that list. Take the things off that you do not really want.
Add the things you really do want—the material things, the spiritual
things, the psychological things. Get that list down to ten things you
truly want. Take a few days to cultivate that list.
2. Meditate on the list. Read that list. Enforce that list. Bring your
attention to that list from the morning, through the noon, and the
night.
3. The third step is keeping it a secret.
What Roy Herbert Jarrett discovered was that it works. What is it ? That
when we focus on what we want, we can create what we want. This is an
axiom that is true throughout time. Nobody is going to give us what it is
we want. It must be created from within, and NLP gives us a skill set to do
that.
Guiguzi

I want to introduce you to some outstanding ideas related to the Sage of

Ghost Valley, known as Guiguzi in Chinese history. He was an ancient Chinese
writer who lived thousands of years ago. When I first became acquainted with
the work of Guiguzi, I was amazed at how the ideas of Guiguzi can change
our experiences and give us wisdom in our current era. (Note: Nobody is sure
when Guiguzi lived or if he even existed. His scrolls could be from another
writer or even several writers. For our purposes, we will assume the story of
Guiguzi at face value. If not historically accurate, there is no doubt these
words have carried wisdom and weight for billions of people over the years
and deeply influenced Eastern thought, business, politics, and psychology. So
powerful were these words that certain political leaders have even banned
access to these writings at various times in history. These facts are not part of
the academic dispute over the existence of Guiguzi.)
It was many ago that I was teaching an NLP certification course in my
office. People were coming from all over the world to earn their International
Certification Board for Coaches and Hypnotists (ICBCH) training in
professional hypnosis in a live seminar format. I was getting ready the night
before by reviewing some notes on what I wanted to talk about. I was looking
at my books and my notes, and my wife, who is Chinese and was new in the
country at that time, said to me, "What are you studying?" I replied, "I’m
studying Neuro-Linguistic Programming, NLP. Do you know what NLP is?"
She said, "No."
I explained to her that NLP was a system for understanding interpersonal
communication, understanding persuasion and leadership, business,
psychology, and understanding our conscious and our subconscious mind.
She looked over at me, and she said, "Oh, like Guiguzi!" I looked around,
and I said, "Like what?" And she said, "Like Guiguzi. He taught NLP." I said,
"Who is Guiguzi?" She said, "You don't know who Guiguzi is? Everybody
knows who Guiguzi is. He is the Sage of Ghost Valley. He was the teacher of
Sun Bin Laozi, The Art of War. He was famous." I had never heard of Guiguzi.
In retaliation, I asked, “Do you know who Aristotle was?” She had no clue. We
were even. In her school, they did not teach “Western Civilization,” just as in
my schooling, they did not teach “Eastern Civilization.” And we wonder why
the world is so divided.
I grabbed the laptop, searched Guiguzi, and I came up with very little. I
found a couple of web pages with some references to Guiguzi, a couple of
videos that were in Chinese, some books here and there that were written in
Chinese, and very little in English about Guiguzi.
In talking to my wife about who Guiguzi was, she explained that his ideas
were so powerful that when China, 5,000 years ago, was broken up into tiny
kingdoms, the strategies of Guiguzi were used to create a vertical alliance and
eventually Qin dynasty (the first dynasty of Imperial China). Some of those
kingdoms were conquered by war. Some of those kingdoms were integrated
with agreement and with peace.
I started to study the history of this. It was fascinating to me, and my wife
was right. It is NLP. It is NLP from 5,000 years ago. When I finally found a
translation done by a University of Texas professor of the scrolls of Guiguzi, I
was amazed.
I started to read what Guiguzi had written into scrolls thousands of years
ago. And he wrote some basic strategies for communication. He wrote them in
colorful ways. The art of listening is an important strategy in NLP. We call this
calibrating. We want to calibrate the folks with whom we are working so that
we understand where they are, their point of action. Guiguzi spoke about
calibrating also, and he put it in the context of listening to other people. One
of my favorite quotes from the scrolls on Guiguzi is, “When you are listening
to a competitor, you should listen as a tongue seeking the marrow from the
center of a bone.” We know hypnotic language is filled with metaphors, but
Guiguzi compared the art of listening to people to the action of a tongue.
How is it that we can listen in a way to effectively NLP calibrate?
According to Guiguzi, it is to listen with the interest of a tongue seeking the
marrow from the center of a bone. The ideas and the scrolls of Guiguzi are
fascinating concepts that can help us understand effective interpersonal
communication.
Here is a short passage from the scrolls of Guiguzi about how it is we
should align our speech with those who we are speaking to be more effective
communicators:
When you speak to an important person, show your knowledge.
When you speak to a knowledgeable person, employ judicious reasoning.
When you talk to a debater, stress key points.
When you talk to a person of power, speak with authority.
When you speak to a wealthy person, speak about loftiness.
When you talk to a poor person, speak about benefits.
When you talk to a low-class person, apply humility.
When you talk to a brave person, speak about courage.
 When you talk to a person who has made mistakes, speak to the point.
When speaking to intelligent people, Guiguzi says, use these methods to
enlighten them.
And when speaking to unintelligent people, and we all must do that at one
time or another, speak with intent to teach the methods to truly impact, reach,
and help people.
Guiguzi says these are the methods, but we almost always do the opposite.
If you are interested in applying NLP to copywriting or using NLP as part
of political or persuasive speech, you can see how these communication
patterns articulated by Guiguzi 5,000 years ago still have practical applications
today.
The scrolls of Guiguzi, like the ideas articulated in NLP, are practical
strategies to help us more effectively communicate with and influence other
people.
Ever since I read this passage, it has been on a piece of paper that I printed
out and posted over my desk. I think it is a fascinating way to conceptualize
how it is that we can speak to persuade, to create agreement, and to influence
other individuals. This applies in business, therapy, in our families, and in our
community—every area of our life.
The scrolls of Guiguzi are summarized in two books. There are two scrolls,
and there are twelve key points that I have identified from the scrolls of
Guiguzi that I think are fascinating. And I think that by sharing these with you,
you will find them fascinating also. Understand how by looking at ancient
wisdom, we can discover strategies that help us with our modern
communication.
The first six points are put in the context of the Tao. The Tao is the idea of
yin and yang (duality or coexistence). The two sides. (For those wondering
about my word choice, the Dao and the Tao are the exact same thing. Tao is
the westernized version of Dao when transliterated into Pinyin.)
The first six points that Guiguzi wrote about help us understand that there
are two sides to every equation. This is balance. Neuro-linguistic programming
helps us to understand ecology; it has an ecology check pattern. We find out if
the change in a person's making is the change that is going to be most
beneficial to them. It is a very Tao concept or idea. We can look back at our
ancient wisdom and find applications for today.

Six Strategies of Guiguzi

1. A door might be open, or a door might be closed. Either way, there is
opportunity that can be found on either side of it.
That is profound because as we are working with people in therapy to try to
help people make change, people often think that once a door is closed, the
opportunity has been lost. We can show people by using the principles of
Guiguzi that open or closed, yin or yang, there is opportunity on both sides of
the door.

2. Create connection everywhere. Guiguzi taught us to reflect and

respond to the spoken word to know about other people.
We can create connection. We can maximize impact by reflecting or
responding. In other words, there is a pattern here of being able to utilize
either side of the experience that we are in.

3. The intent of others can be used to get an advantage. We can enter

or exit any situation or scenario. We can do this at will. We can cause
other people to pursue us.
Alcoholics Anonymous calls itself a program not based on promotion but on
attraction. In social media marketing efforts, I rarely spam the world with
things that I do or with discounts on programs. Rather I simply engage and
answer questions. In other words, what I am doing is looking at being able to
enter and exit a wide variety of different scenarios and situations in a way that
attracts people in the language of Guiguzi so that they miss you like a “mother
trapdoor spider.” Colorful language in the scrolls of Guiguzi.

4. Breaking or mending. This is significant in the context of relationships

that sometimes break or are sometimes mended. It is important in the
context of business. There is a beginning of business, and sometimes
there is the end of business. Guiguzi tells us that connection can be
created either by mending or breaking and suggests how to do this. He
says earth and sky come together, and they come apart. They start
 somewhere, and they end somewhere. Connection can be created by
understanding the natural laws of making, breaking, or mending.
5. We can either agree or disagree. Guiguzi tells us that captivating
words are persuasive speech. How do you create in your communication
the ability to truly develop rapport? Rapport is one of the key concepts
of NLP. But 5,000 years ago, Guiguzi was writing about captivating words
as a way of creating rapport. He says that to establish authority and
manage business, one must investigate both differences and similarities,
differentiate truth from a lie, and tell the essence of a speech from the
embellishment of speech.
6. Resisting or reconciling. Guiguzi reveals it is impossible to make plans
and strategies loyal to two sides which necessitates converting one side to
the other. We can do that by either choosing to change and enter
somebody else's frame of reference or by drawing them in, again with
rapport, something NLP has focused on.
These are the first six principles in the scrolls of Guiguzi. And they are
really fascinating to explore in light of our current understanding of
NLP.  These are all strategies very congruent with our ideas of NLP.
The next six ideas are singular ideas.

1. Weighing, assessing capacity. This is a strategy to calculate the big or

the small and then strategize in accordance with the size of something.
We do this in business. We can do this in love or romance. We can do this
in the community and in relationships.
2. Gauging . Subtly gauging the desires of others and measuring the depth
of our ability to probe them could be in the context of NLP as either the
Milton model or the Meta model—very similar relationships here to
gauging and assessing.
The scrolls of Guiguzi give us some remarkable ways to do this because
Guiguzi tells us that what is occurring as an internal response to somebody
who will show external signs. We are looking for the signs of how it is that
others are relating to us.

3. Assessing. The mouth is a mechanism, according to Guiguzi, which

means one can shut down or open feelings and ideas. The eyes and the
 ears lend aides to the heart by which one can discern treachery or
malevolence. And the three—the mouth, the ears, and the eyes—move in
coordinate response and move in harmony to strengthen the Tao.
Think of this in the context of what Bandler and Grinder taught: our primary
representational system. Do we see the world auditorily? Do we see the world
visually? Do we see the world kinesthetically? This is really an idea expressed
by Guiguzi 5,000 years ago. We can understand and develop a deeper
understanding of NLP, not by limiting our study of NLP and that which we
know since the 1970s, but by applying it to the writings and the teachings of
wise leaders from the beginning of time.
The ideas of Guiguzi were considered to be so powerful that during the Mao
Zedong era in Chinese history, the scrolls of Guiguzi were banned from being
taught for fear that it could give people the wisdom to challenge the ideas of
the ruling class.

4. The principle of practice. Guiguzi tells us that two parties who share
the same aversion are close, but both of them get hurt. When two parties
who share the same aversion estrange each other, one of them gets hurt.
Therefore, when two people benefit each other and become close, people
who cause losses to one another are estranged. And this is Guiguzi's
explanation for what divides and what unites people. This again is directly
related to the NLP ideas of motivation and the ideas of being able to
move with or against different people.
5. Begin with questions. One of the key ideas of NLP is the
transderivational search. When we are connecting and building rapport,
we want people to look inside of themselves. A primary strategy for
doing this is questioning . This is a technique that is very effective in
psychotherapy, and professional hypnosis, and life coaching. Guiguzi tells
us that all decision-makers begin with questions. He tells us that prudent
use of questions brings about good fortune. Improper utilization of
questioning brings about adversity. NLP shares this idea that questioning
is a pathway to creating influence, creating rapport, and building alliances,
which is what happened as the warring states were unified largely due to
the philosophies of Guiguzi. His ideas really created a culture, changed a
nation, and set history in motion. In fact, the ideas of Guiguzi are still
used in the highest levels of political negotiation and business acumen in
China today.
 6. Regions are governed by the principles of civility, savoir-faire,
scrupulosity, and serenity enjoy prosperity without exception. This
is the sixth principle offered by these ancient scrolls. As a hypnotist, as a
therapist, as a father, as a community member, I am trying to create
serenity. Guiguzi gives us the principles that we can bring to our clients to
help show them this.
There are so many traditions that come from ancient wisdom that we can
apply with the lens or the model of NLP to find effective solutions for the
people that come to see us and that we are working with on a professional
level.
One of the classic books, which has long been on my desk, is The Art of
War by Sun Tzu. Most people are familiar with it even if they have not actually
read the book. What's fascinating is that Sun Tzu was a student of Guiguzi.
The ideas that come from The Art of War come from understanding the Tao in
the context of the way Guiguzi taught it.
Ancient to Modern Application
When you read The Art of War, it is in the context of military strategy. But
why has this book endured for so long as a book that people have turned to
for individual wisdom to help them experience success in life? Justin Deol at
freedominthought.com has a podcast and an essay about The Art of War.   In
fact, I want to quote the first part of his essay without any edits because I
think it is powerful. It shows us how a connection from ancient wisdom to
modern applications is truly possible. He says,
“I find my life fluctuates between two internal states, between war and peace.
War feels like being fired, or falling sick, or getting a divorce. It feels like stress,
wanting, desire. War feels like dissatisfaction, danger, being off-balance. Peace
feels like finding a new job, becoming healthy again, or entering a new and
loving relationship. It feels like satisfaction, commitment, satiation, or love.
“War feels like being asked a question, and peace feels like finding an answer.
And although I want everlasting peace, I find war to be the dominant state of
my internal life. War acts as a necessary precursor to peace.”
The essay, or YouTube animation, then goes into taking quotes from Sun
Tzu’s The Art of War and combines them with his personal experiences to
create a set of nine principles. And this is what NLP does. Neuro-linguistic
programming looks to exemplars. Sun Tzu helps us to identify a set of
scalable, actionable patterns. You have probably heard of NLP patterns. Justin
Deol did this by identifying nine key principles and then applied them to the
war and peace we find daily:

1. War is always possible.

2. Look for the signs of war in your life.
3. Avoid war at all costs.
4. Pick your battles wisely.
5. Spend energy in war wisely.
6. Adjust the battle plan to end the war as soon as possible.
Think about this in the context of therapy and people who are warring
with depression. This is what I love about NLP, the fast phobia cure. It is a
strategy to end that war with anxiety quickly.)

7. Be prepared for loss.

8. You are stronger than you think.
9. Appreciate, enjoy, and nurture peace.
This is essentially a pattern, a strategy from The Art of War that has a
modern application.
The Art of War is another ancient text with wisdom for us that we can
quantify, replicate, teach to our clients, and act on.
It is exciting to me to see how ancient wisdom is filled with ideas from
exemplars that we can still model today to find solutions to our real-world
problems.
 SECTION TWO

Concepts, Processes, and Approaches to NLP Life

Coaching
 Chapter 9
NLP Presuppositions

The beginning of understanding NLP is in understanding the assumptions that

NLP practitioners make to utilize it in effective ways. It does not matter the
context that NLP is being provided. This could be in communications
between individuals. It could be in therapeutic environments, life coaching, or
even parenting. It could be in business, sales, and leadership development. It
could also be in working with the community. These assumptions are the
assumptions that most NLP patterns, techniques, and ideas are rested on.
Neuro-linguistic programming is sometimes questioned by those in the
academic community—can we prove that these techniques actually work? The
problem with that approach is a multiplicity of techniques and an array of
arenas or worlds, and the result is it is impossible to put everything in NLP to
the test. There would have to be hundreds, if not thousands, of tests, and it
would be almost impossible to quantify.
Neuro-linguistic programming is not theoretical. A theoretical approach
looks to prove a hypothesis. Rather, NLP begins with certain assumptions. It is
believed that most people who practice NLP would share the validity of these
assumptions, but these assumptions are not trying to be proven by NLP. Some
of these assumptions might be disregarded by some practitioners. Instead,
these are simply accepted as guiding principles to help us do the work of NLP.
It is this kind of flexibility that allows NLP to be so adaptable in so many
different situations.

NLP Presuppositions
1. The map is not the territory.
We have an assumption about the world and the experiences that are in front
of us. This is our mental map, but the reality is when we find ourselves
engaged with individuals or situations or in the world around us, we discover
that the territory sometimes is different from the map.
 Have you ever taken out your phone’s Global Positioning System (GPS),
put in a location, and you start to head there, and you notice that the map or
the GPS is deviating from a way that your intuition tells you that you should
go? This is because Waze or Google knows that maybe there is an accident up
ahead, or a road is closed ahead. The reality is the territory is different from
the map. In NLP, this is a very important assumption because NLP can be
flexibly applied in a number of different situations. If we find that one
approach does not work, unlike the theoretical model, the presumption model
allows us to simply flow with a different set of resources and skills to adapt to
the situation that is in front of us in the real world.
That is why NLP practitioners in therapeutic environments, hypnotherapy,
and life coaching find it such a valuable tool because we can equip our clients
to function within the territory, not just with the projections based on what
the map looked like to them.

2. It is better to have choices than it is to not have choices .

This means that everything we are doing in a coaching model and everything
we are doing using NLP should be designed to give us, as leaders, flexibility
and choices. The way we work with somebody can change in the middle of a
session. But what this means for our clients is that we can help them open
doors so that the only choice they thought they had in front of them becomes
one of many choices they can access because of the techniques or the patterns
or ideas of NLP.
This is one of my favorite things about NLP because it helps a person who
often realizes that they are stuck between a rock and a hard place recognize
that there are many opportunities for them and that the place is not so hard,
and the rocks can actually be moved. Without a doubt having many choices is
always better than having no choices. And in NLP, this is a presupposition that
we work from so that we can help people to brainstorm, use their creative
capacity, and tap into the resources that they did not know existed within
them. We help them access new choices in just about any situation, whether
that is personal, business, therapeutic, or within their community, family, or
even in self-reflection as they look at the choices they have within their own
life.

3. When people have choices, they will choose the choice that is best
for them.
This is important because we might not perceive the choice they have made as
being the best for other people, but people will choose the choice that is
actually best for them. Sometimes we see somebody make a choice, and that
choice does not seem to be good for them. It is important to realize this
presupposition tells us that with the tools they have, at the moment they make
that choice, they are ultimately choosing the option they believe is best for
them. Perhaps it is the easiest to make or the most accessible to make. And it
gives us understanding, empathy, and compassion. Those are the tools for
helping people make change. The good news is that in life coaching and NLP,
when people try and they make a choice that might not be the best choice for
them in the future, we come up with tools, patterns, and ideas, to help them
make different choices.
Each moment is independent of each moment. This gives us the ability to
operate under the presupposition that people make the best choice they can at
the moment that they make that choice.

4. People work perfectly.

People making the best choice they can at the moment is related to this fourth
presupposition. One of the viewpoints that comes from the work of Milton
Erickson was that people are not broken. People work perfectly. It is amazing
to see people in our world who have had extremely difficult circumstances and
scenarios and yet be able to rise from these experiences and these occasions.
This is a presupposition that is important because what it means is that we can
approach life coaching, not from a psychological or a psychiatric perspective,
where we are trying to fix broken people and help them to become well after
being unwell. In NLP modeling, what we do is see people as working perfectly.
This means making the best choices they can in the scenarios that they can.
We have a role in helping them to work perfectly and work efficiently and
work in a way that can help them rise to their highest level of potential.
This is one of the things that really separates life coaching from
psychotherapy. Psychotherapists are taking people with a diagnosis who are
not functioning adequately and trying to get them to function at an adequate
level. But in life coaching, we are taking people who work perfectly, people
who are functioning at an adequate level, and we are helping them rise to their
highest level of peak performance.
 5. All actions have a purpose, or as the psychiatrist, R.D. Laing, said,
"All madness has meaning."
In life, even the things that do not appear to be beneficial to a person are
beneficial to them if they have taken action on that. Let us take an obvious
example here, cigarette smoking. The side of the pack of cigarettes tells you it
is not healthy. It says the product causes cancer, lung disease, emphysema, and
may complicate pregnancy. In other words, this is not a good thing, and you
shouldn't do it. But if you ask any smoker, who has that message in their
pocket on their pack of cigarettes why they smoke, they will tell you they need
to relax or need a break, or it helps them control stress. The reality is all
behavior, even behavior that is unhealthy behavior meets a legitimate need.
In our coaching, this can inform us because when we see somebody who is
doing something that we perceive as unhealthy to them, we can discover the
legitimate need and then ask if there another way to help this person meet this
legitimate need. No matter how maladaptive the behavior is or how bad the
behavior is, in the language of psychiatrist R.D. Laing, the reality is that
madness has meaning. That meaning should be honored and embraced so that
we can help the clients we work with find ways of meeting their deepest needs
through healthy behaviors and choices that help them live their best life.

6. All behavior has positive intention.

This is one of the more controversial presuppositions. In NLP, we look at
short-term thinking versus long-term thinking. We look at toward motivation
and away from motivation. The presupposition here is that when our clients are
engaging in a behavior, the goal of that behavior is positive intention, not
malevolent intention. This is an essential presupposition that can help us to
understand the best ways to work with the clients who come to see us for life
coaching, NLP, and therapy.

7. The meaning of communication is not just the message sent but

the response that we get from that communication.
Many people will read this book because they want to become more effective
communicators in business, in the community, the family, and in therapy. A lot
of people look at NLP as a tool for enhanced communication. It is important
to recognize that communication is not simply the words that are said but the
way the receiver experiences the communication that was given. This is a good
tool to help someone in self-reflection understand how their communication
with the world around them can be more effective. They can study formula
sentences, like a sort of communication—I feel, I want, I need—but the reality
is the receiver's response to one’s communication tells a person what the
content of that communication was.

8. We have the resources within us, or we have the ability to create the
resources within us.
This presupposition comes directly from Milton Erickson. That is that we
have the resources within us, or we can create the resources within us that can
serve us in any situation at any time. This book is going to be helping you to
develop internal resources, resource states, and strategies that, to this point,
you have not activated yet in your life. And then you will be able to
passionately share those with other clients.
It is important to realize that when Milton Erickson was doing his work in
medical hypnotherapy psychiatry, he wasn't trying to bring something from the
outside to people to help them function at their best, but rather was trying to
draw out that which was in them into their world so that they could live their
very best.

9. Mind-body, conscious-subconscious.
These are divisions that we use to help us understand different ways of how
we experience the world around us. The reality is, mind and body and
conscious and unconscious are inseparable. The mind-body connection is a
unified whole. This is an important presupposition because, in learning, we
like to say this is the subconscious mind, this is the unconscious mind, and this
is the conscious mind. But the reality is, mind is mind.
I have always said that if I were to ask a room full of people to draw a
picture of the mind, most people would draw a picture of the brain, but the
reality is mind is in every cell of the body, and mind and body are inseparable
from one another. This is the idea of the Tao. This is not a new idea. This is a
5,000-year-old idea from the scrolls of Guiguzi.

10. We experience the world around us through our senses.

This is my favorite presupposition. We often talk about auditory, visual, and
kinesthetic—sound, sight, and touch. These are the primary representational
systems and the primary sensorial systems in which we engage in the world
around us. But we also have many other senses. We have the five senses we
learned in second grade. We have our touch, sight, sound, taste, and smell. But
we also have additional senses. There are not just five senses. Seventh-grade
science was wrong. We have proprioception. We have many other senses that
we can tap into as ways of understanding the world around us. In NLP, a large
emphasis has been placed on the auditory, visual, and kinesthetic model.
We are going to spend a lot of time in this book focusing on that and
teaching that. But we are also going to recognize that there are many other
ways to understand the world around us. But we have ultimately come from
sensorial experiences, whether it is visual, auditory, or kinesthetic, the five basic
senses, or the many other senses that we have.

11. Modeling success leads to excellence

If I want to know how to do something excellent, I should model and do the
same things that people who are successful are doing. This is a presupposition
of NLP. When a client wants to do something better, all we have to ask is who
the exemplars are and who the models for success are in this endeavor. Then
we can tap into the methods, approaches, techniques, experiences, and ideas of
those who are successful, and we can then create excellence in our own lives
and with the clients with whom we work. We can replicate those who are
successful and create excellence in our own lives. We do not have to reinvent
the wheel. People have gone before us in these tasks and created high levels of
success.

12. The way to understand is to take action.

It is not enough to simply think in our own mind, but rather to have true
understanding, to have depth in our lives. We need to take action because
action creates repetition. The repetition leads to learnings, and these learnings
lead to an understanding that can truly help us create success. You have
probably heard it said that mastery of any task—playing the violin, the piano,
or something else—takes 10,000 hours of practice. And that is why to
understand requires action is a presupposition that not only NLP practitioners use,
but teachers from around the world have focused on.

13. We can't not communicate.

We are always communicating. We are always communicating with those
present with us, and sometimes we are communicating with those who are not
present with us. Think of a family that has become estranged, and one person
says, "I will never talk to you again." And five years or thirty years go by, years
of silence, yet something is still being communicated. The reality is we cannot
not communicate. We can be silent. We can close our mouths. We can choose
to not speak, but we still communicate. Maybe three percent of our
communication is, in fact, not the contents of the words that we use. Neuro-
linguistic programming recognizes this.
In this book, I am looking forward to sharing more ideas from Chase
Hughes on body language. Right now, he is the world-leading expert in really
understanding behavioral analysis and body language. And I have learned so
much from him over the years that these ideas, I think, should be shared in an
NLP training program.

14. The person with the greatest level of flexibility is the person who
holds the most power.
The person in any system, whether it is at work, in a family, or in a community,
the person who has the greatest flexibility is the person who actually holds the
power in any given situation, encounter, or experience. In life coaching, part of
what we will be focusing on is helping people develop psychological flexibility.

15. There is no such thing as failure. There's only feedback. We learn

from our mistakes.
The reality is there are no failures—only feedback and lessons that can be
learned. I hear many people talking about their previous failed marriages. I was
once asked how many failed marriages I’d had. The question caught me off
guard because I never thought of any previous marriage as a failure, only as
experiences that brought me to where I am today. This is important because
many people are hard on themselves because they view their mistakes as
failures, and their decisions as failures, and their life as a failure. There is no
such thing as failure. There is only feedback. In life coaching, and business
coaching, and in our families, we can help people realize that no matter how
far down the scale they have gone, we can see how our experiences can benefit
others.
These presuppositions are all very helpful, but they also have a very
practical element to them.

Try this exercise now:

 Think about a situation that you are facing right now, a choice that you
need to make. Maybe it is one where you feel a little bit between a rock and a
hard place and can only come up with one or two choices, and neither of them
appears to be great for you. Or perhaps you recognize that there are a couple
or even five choices, but the reality is endless choices abound in our world. It
might feel like we only have one or two choices and that no option is a good
option, or that we are limited to a couple of choices, of which some of them
might have some upside.
This exercise is to brainstorm what your options are. One of my favorite
things to do with a client when they are faced with a choice is to give them a
blank piece of paper and a pen.
Write down thirty things, and I know it sounds like a lot, but thirty things
you could do in this situation. They're not necessarily things you are
committed to. They are not even necessarily things that you want to do or that
you think are good, but I want you to write down thirty things that you could
do in this situation. Some of them might even be absurd such as setting the
couch on fire or never going back to that scenario or situation. Perhaps you
are thinking you could release your anger, meditate, or communicate more
assertively. The possibilities here are endless, but really most of us haven't
stretched our brains when faced with choice. Consider the many choices that
abound beyond those that are obvious.
When I write down thirty things that I could do, it always creates the
resource state of creativity.
Now, look at those thirty things. Are there any things on that list you
would be unwilling to do, or that would be unsafe, or illegal, or dangerous to
do? Cross those out. Now maybe you have twelve or fifteen things left on the
list. Of those things, is there anything on that list that you could do if you
wanted to? Considering the twelve or so things that are left on this list, there
are a couple of things that you could do if you wanted to. Circle five of those
things and cross off the rest. Now you’re down to five options. Of those five
options, is there anything here that you would be willing to try? Is there
anything on this list that you would be willing to lead with that could be your
first attempt? Well, it is this one.
This was a simple brainstorming exercise in creating options, and it comes
from the NLP presupposition that having options is better than not having
options.
 These presuppositions give us useful tools and exercises that we can
engage in.
Let’s go back to presupposition 14. The person with the greatest flexibility
is the person who holds the most power. There are five things we can do to
increase our psychological flexibility:

First, we can engage our minds in new things, new learnings, and new
opportunities. Often, flexibility comes from expanding our horizons
and making our world bigger.
The second principle for developing psychologically is to do
something we have been doing but do it differently. It could be as
simple as the way you dress. It could be as simple as a habit of putting
your watch on the right wrist instead of the left. It really does not
matter. The idea here is to do something differently.
The third component of developing psychological flexibility is to do
different things. Maybe try not wearing a watch, and instead use a
pocket watch. What we are looking for is a way to do things
differently.
And the fourth principle is to do something different somewhere else,
expanding our world, making the repertoire of possibilities much
larger.
To develop psychological flexibility, we can put this into practice by
doing something different in different places, with different people,
which gives us an opportunity to use a popular NLP pattern, T.O.T.E.
—Test, Operate, Test, Evaluate.
Psychological flexibility and the techniques of psychological flexibility can
be harnessed and accessed by really understanding these NLP presuppositions.
 Chapter 10
Life Coaching Models

In this section, I will introduce some of the key ideas surrounding the idea of
life coaching, executive coaching, health coaching, family life coaching,
community coaching, and really any other type of coaching that you are going
to be doing.  
Coaching is a broad subject, and the reality is you can use coaching in a
wide variety of different contexts using the skills that you are going to learn in
this book.

The Role of the Coach

In this chapter, I will cover what the role of the coach is, what coaching
model I utilize with my clients, and then begin to set you on a path of attaining
some of the skills required to do effective coaching.
The role of the coach is that of a teacher and a trainer. That is really what a
coach is if you think of an athletic coach, a little league sports coach, or a
basketball coach. What they are doing is they are coming alongside the players.
They are not playing the game themselves. What they are doing is teaching and
training skills. The coach is looking at global skills such as the ability to run
and have endurance. They are looking at micro-skills, the ability to hold a ball
in a certain position or swing in a certain position.
As coaches, our role is to stand behind somebody making changes in life,
help them attain the changes they want to by teaching them the macro skills,
and to teach them the micro-skills that will help lead them to success.
As a coach, it is really important that you have done these things yourself
first, which is why one of the hallmarks of transformational leadership versus
any other form of leadership is to transform yourself first.
I am going to share a lot of ideas that you can utilize to coach your clients,
but we want to apply these in our own lives. We want to test them out. We
want to experience them ourselves so that we can find success in our own lives
and then pass those along passionately to the clients that we work with.
The Focus
The focus of coaching is to help a person move toward the desired
outcomes, the intentions they have, and the goals that they have. This is as
opposed to the whys of what has been holding me back. Therapists spend time
trying to figure out the whys.
And although this could be a relapse prevention tool to help people make
lasting changes in any behavior, whether it is behavioral health, or whether it is
in a behavior in business, or a strategy in communication, it is essential that we
recognize that the primary aspect of how it is that we are going to be
conducting our coaching sessions is by focusing on coaching toward reaching
outcomes, intentions, and desires, rather than figuring out the whys of what
has held a person back from success.
The Audience
One of the wonderful features of life coaching is you really have infinite
ponds to fish in. When I was primarily doing family therapy, as a licensed
marriage and family therapist, I was working with couples, or I was working
with families in the context of addiction treatment, or I was working in
community development within the context of family systems. Largely I was
working with people who were not performing well and trying to move them
to an adequate level of functioning.
The coaching model is entirely different. What it means is that we are
often working with people who are functioning adequately and trying to move
them to the highest level of peak performance. Because of this, my audience
expands. I am not restricted to simply working with families or a specific role
like the oldest child, or husband, or wife, or leader of the family system.
Instead, I can use the skills that I have to work with executives. I can use the
skills that I have to work with leaders and mentor people in business. I can use
the skills that I have to work toward helping people to achieve sales growth. I
can work within the context of the community, helping to foster a sense of
cooperation and help an organization, not even just a simple individual, but an
entire organization, to function more effectively and move at a speed required
to adapt to change.
Therapy vs. Coaching
 The wonderful thing about life coaching is that we can apply the skills that
we have in NLP, the skills we bring to the table, whether that's business and
accounting, finance and management, or whether that's communication and
empathy, and emotional intelligence to the table, really in a wide variety of
different situations. That means that rather than working within a limited
scope, you can work with a multiplicity of people across a broad range of
situations and circumstances and coach them to reach their highest level of
peak performance.
As a therapist, I worked with dysfunctional individuals. I worked with
people who were in crisis, trying to help them to resolve a situation that was at
hand.
Coaching is a different model. If you go into coaching with the idea that
you are going to coach people with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) to
no longer have PTSD, or you are going into coaching with the idea of
coaching depressed people to no longer have depression, or helping addicted
people no longer have an addiction, really what you are doing is therapy
without a license.
Rather, we are working with non-diagnostic individuals. We do not have a
diagnosis for these folks because there is no pathology. We are not trying to fix
anything that is broken. Rather, we are endeavoring to help people achieve
new levels of skill and apply those in the situations they encounter in the real
world. As I mentioned before, this opens up our opportunity to help people
achieve success. A coach focuses on performance and outcomes, whereas a
therapist is almost always focusing on diagnosis and dysfunction. We could put
this another way. We, as coaches, are dealing with self-improvement rather
than with the idea of healing.
If you are going into coaching hoping to heal broken people, the reality is
you are going to have a difficult time. But if you go into coaching with the idea
that you are going to help people to improve themselves and to rise to their
highest level of performance, you are going to find success as a life coach.
As a life coach, I find that this is not only a more enjoyable task for me, it
is also a more profitable task for me. The dysfunctional client is often
unreliable. The dysfunctional client often wants a third party to pay the bill for
them. A person seeking self-improvement is by definition motivated, and
they're willing to invest in their transformation. In 2006, I decided that I would
no longer provide any form of psychotherapy, referring my clients who need
psychotherapy out to somebody else, that I would only provide life coaching
to individuals. The result? My fees increased dramatically with a motivated self-
paying group of individuals because I had a bigger pot to fish in, and it was
easier to fill my schedule.
Life coaching is a solution for those looking to help people to work, rise to
their highest level of performance, and work with individuals in ways that help
them improve themselves no matter where they are in the stages of life.
One of the aspects of coaching is we are working with stable individuals
who are experiencing the natural processes of change and transformation and
adapting their success to the ever-changing world that we live in. In my book,
Transformational Leadership that I wrote in 2014, I talked about change being the
natural state of things. Nothing ever stays the same. For my mental health
clients in the past, this resulted in crisis. For my coaching clients, change,
transformation, and even challenges are opportunities that they can seize upon
to again rise to their highest level of peak performance.
I am going to share a coaching model with you. It will take some of the
considerations that I just mentioned and put them in the context of a coaching
model. What does coaching look like? How does it integrate with NLP? Why
do these skills coexist? It is important to recognize that the skills coexist
because rarely does anyone make an appointment with an NLP practitioner
for NLP only. They are not seeking to have NLP “done to them.” Rather, they
make an appointment with a life coach to apply the principles of NLP within
the context of a coaching model. There are other models that we can use NLP
in. We can apply it in business. We can apply it in sales training. We can apply
NLP in psychotherapy. We can apply NLP in leadership development and
training. But essentially, I represent myself as a life coach helping people to
achieve their highest level of peak performance.
 This is the model I use or the conceptualization of how I provide services.
Here is the cool thing. Although there are probably ten stages or steps in this
model, the reality is that we have the flexibility and the adaptability to alter this
cycle at any time that would benefit the individual with who I am working.
It all begins with intake, and the intake process in coaching is about
helping a client define their desired outcome. By entering into a coaching
relationship, what do they hope the result is? Do they hope the result is
increased sales? Do they hope the result is helping to develop a cadre of other
leaders within an organization? Within the context of a family, is the desired
outcome improved communication?
One of my favorite coaching clients was a couple who I worked with. Let’s
refer to them as Bob and Bertha. Traditionally in family therapy, Bob and
Bertha would come in because they fight too much, or because Bob looked at
internet porn, or because a child was acting up and they were fighting and
could not agree. I was not doing couples therapy with them. I was coaching.
Bob and Bertha had no diagnosis. There was no family dysfunction. Bob and
Bertha came to me because, essentially, they had been highly successful in life.
Bob was sixty-three years old, and Bertha was fifty-seven years old.
Thirty-five years before this, they started a dry-cleaning business with one
shop. Over the years, that shop expanded in their geographic region, and they
had seventeen shops, and they cashed out. They sold their business after
thirty-five years for multiples of millions of dollars. The children that they had
raised with the money they earned in the dry-cleaning business went to
college, and all got married and started their own families.
By all accounts, it seemed to be the perfect family. Why would Bob and
Bertha come to see me? Bob and Bertha came to see me because now they
were in the next phase of their life, and they had created wealth because of
their previous experiences in life. The outcomes they were trying to establish
were multifaceted. How could they benefit the community with the wealth
they had? How could they utilize their wealth to help their family in ways that
would actually help the family rather than harm the family? They wanted to
know how they could become involved in and create entrepreneurial studies
and leadership opportunities for other young business people to learn the
skills they had learned. They had spent so many years working together; how
could they spend the last part of their life enjoying being with each other,
rather than working with each other and the changing dynamics of their
relationship?
 There was no diagnosis. There was no dysfunction. There was no crisis.
They were looking for specific desired outcomes, and we were able to
enumerate what those outcomes would look like in my initial session with
them.
When I do life coaching with people, my initial assessment is typically
anywhere from an hour and a half to two and a half hours with either an
individual or a couple. Or, if I am coaching with a C-suite, with a group of
leaders, I will probably block off a three-hour time block for that. What I want
to do in this phase of the coaching process is to find out where they are, where
they would like to go, and what resources they are bringing to the table to
move there. I also want them to have a chance to get to know me and decide
whether I am the right person to help them on their journey.
Contract
When we decide to work together after the initial meeting, we move into
the phase of creating a coaching contract. Life coaching requires a written
contract.
In psychotherapy, I use a form called Informed Consent. It tells folks what
my licensure is, what services I offer, and what the limitations of
confidentiality are. In a way, if you are a therapist, this is a type of contract that
you are familiar with. (To download the actual forms I use with my clients,
visit
SubliminalScience.com/NLPbook.)
I use something similar but different in the coaching contract. I spell out
and articulate clearly what my methods are, what the plan is, how we will
utilize this, what my fees are, and how often it is we are going to meet. Because
I am doing coaching, not psychotherapy, in my Coaching Contract, it details,
"Although Richard is licensed as a marriage and family therapist, Richard
provides no form of psychotherapy. In the event that psychological
dysfunction must be addressed, Richard will refer you to a licensed provider
who addresses those issues." In other words, I stick to my scope of practice,
which is a coaching model rather than a psychotherapy model.
Once we have a contract, and we have clearly delineated roles, and the
client knows what to expect, and I know what to provide, then we move into
an assessment phase where I assess my client's strengths and my client's
resources because I want to work from a strength-based perspective. I want to
help people rise to their highest peak performance level, but I want to do that
not by trying to fix what is broken or give them something from the outside
that they do not have. But rather, I want to utilize the strengths and resources
that my client brings to the table.
This is in alignment with our NLP presuppositions. Our clients have
within them or can create within them the resources needed to address any
issue.
We move into a phase where I, as the expert coach, am teaching them
skills. I am teaching them and training them in the skills and the tasks
necessary to achieve their desired outcomes. Just like a basketball coach will
teach a kid how to dribble a ball right and shoot a basket, I am teaching and
training the skills that will help them achieve their desired outcome. The skill
might be creating a foundation or finding board members for that foundation
in the case of this couple. For Bob and Bertha, I might be teaching them the
skills of communication without task administration which is different than
the communication they had for the last thirty years as coworkers. Now they
are working as lovers. Now they are working as a couple.
I might be teaching them communication strategies and styles that are
different from the habits they acquired in the workplace and applying those in
the context of their morning coffee. I am teaching and training people in the
life skills required to achieve the desired outcome. As I teach and train, it is not
enough to simply show somebody, “Here's how you do it.” We must supervise
them. We must mentor them. We must be with them. We must attend to them.
I always say that coaching is not about doing something to a person—it is
about doing something with that person.
I remember my little league coach running up and down the basketball
court. I remember my swim team coach walking up and down the side of the
pool as I did my 500-yard freestyle when I was ten years old.
We are going to mentor these individuals. Mentorship is an essential skill.
As we mentor them, they will hone their skills and abilities, whether these are
emotional intelligences, social intelligences, business strategy, and
communication strategy. There is a whole range of different skills that we can
teach a person and mentor them. We are then going to be with them as they
implement the solution. The coach doesn't say, "Well, I coached you. Go to
the big game. Let me know how it goes." The coach goes to the game. The
coach cheers them on. The coach continues to mentor and teach and
encourage from the sidelines. And we are going to be there with our clients as
they implement the solutions in business, family, community, social
relationships, dating, and the world around them.
And then we go back to the NLP pattern T.O.T.E.—Test, Operate, Test,
Exit. We are going to have them evaluate the outcomes. Did this work? And if
it did, we are going to terminate the coaching relationship. Or we are going to
revise the desired outcomes, teach and train different skills so that we can
achieve what is most important to them. Or, we are going to say, hey, great. We
accomplished those things. There are new goals to set, new outcomes to
achieve, new vantage points to study and to look at and to implement. And we
are going to enter back into an ongoing or a maintenance phase of the
coaching relationship with them. Coaching can be short-term. Coaching can
be over a period of six weeks or a month. Coaching can occur over the context
of a year-long agreement or even a multi-year agreement. With some of the
executives I have coached, it has typically been eighteen-month coaching
agreements where we went through the cycle multiple times during the
coaching experience or process.
The great thing is that the NLP skills that we will learn will help us define
outcomes. The NLP skills are going to allow us to assess the strengths and the
resources. The NLP skills will teach us what skills and strategies to teach a
person, rapport, and specific patterns like a Swish Pattern. I can teach or train
them in auditory, visual, and kinesthetic acuity. In my mentoring process, I am
going to be mentoring from an NLP perspective, implementing solutions from
this perspective, and be evaluating outcomes from this perspective. And so,
you can see that NLP is not one part of this training, and life coaching is
another part. Rather, the two coexist as one.
Coaching Skills
What are coaching skills? Coaching skills are the skills that we need as
coaches to take somebody successfully through this process. They include
skills of active listening, reflective listening, and fostering cooperation. Life
coaching is a cooperative endeavor rather than me being the superior
individual who is going to magically make you like me. I see myself as
cooperating with an individual. I am the best me that I can be, the best coach
possible, but I am helping them become the best them they can be, rather than
the best me they can be. And I do that by fostering a spirit of cooperation with
them. Flexibility is one of the skills that coaches need to guide somebody
through this coaching model and assertiveness. It is very important that we use
effective communication. We are more likely to get what we want or what we
need or express our feelings when we use assertive communication. We will
use effective and assertive communication throughout the coaching process to
help people meet their deepest needs.
Depending on the type of coaching you do, you might need management,
business, or supervisory skills. The reality is those skills come into play in any
dynamic or any scenario or situation with an individual. Some management,
leadership, and mentoring skills are all important parts of the coaching
contract. Advising, teaching, training, and giving feedback are all skills that the
life coach needs. The great thing about NLP is it gives us methods for giving
effective feedback by understanding our client's primary representational
system, how they view the world around them. And it gives several strategies
for providing feedback in a way that is most likely going to result in the client
adopting those ideas as useful tools for them.
How do you set goals? And, importantly, what is the difference between a
goal or an intention? I am a big fan of intention setting, and I am less of a fan
of goal setting. But do you know how to set the intention and set a goal, and
do you know how to teach people to set a goal and to set an intention so they
can activate their highest level of potential? Specific skill training is essential
for the life coach to have as well as empathy. The work that we do should
always be grounded on compassion, empathy, and wanting the best for those
who are around us so that we can help people achieve their greatest level of
potential.
We now embark on the pathway of implementing a coaching model with
the clients that we work with.
 Chapter 11
NLP Model of Communication

This is a foundational understanding that is really required to utilize NLP and

life coaching to your greatest potential. The communication model begins
when we have a real-world experience. It could be alone. It could be with
other people. It could be something outside of our self. It could even be
something within ourselves. But this is an awareness or a realization that this
moment is different than any previous moment.
Filters
When these external events happen, what we do is take them through the
filter of our five senses. The five senses are auditory, visual, kinesthetic,
olfactory/smell, and gustatory/taste. The five senses are how we interpret and
experience the world around us. We know there are more than five senses, but
we will get into some of those as we proceed in this book. These other senses
filter the experiences we have as well.
But we understand our world through a representational system or
multiple representational systems. Every experience and every external event is
filtered through the five senses that we have. This is why one of our coaching
strategies isn't going be to simply match the primary representational system
of the clients we work with, but actually to help them increase their acuity in
the representational systems where they might lack functioning to their
greatest level of potential. When the world experiences are filtered through the
five senses, what we do is delete some of our thoughts, experiences, feelings,
ideas, and interpretations. Or we distort our recollection or our memory. This
is why two people can have the same experience and recall it completely
differently. It is because it has been distorted through the filters that each one
of us has.
We generate new ideas and new experiences. Some of what we believe to
be true is not true because through the filters of our five senses, we have
generated new understandings and insights, and some of them lead to a higher
level of thinking. Some of them can lead to faulty thinking as well. We change
our understanding or interpretation of external events. We transform these
experiences, and this is what results in memories, decisions, beliefs, values,
meta-programs, learnings, and experiences. All these come from how we filter
through the five senses, the experiences of the world around us.
There is an important component of the mind here: the metaphor of the
conscious mind and the unconscious mind. And as we filter the world around
us, we delete, distort, generate change, and transform our understandings of
the experiences into memories, decisions, meta programs, beliefs, values,
learnings, experiences, either consciously or subconsciously, we create internal
representations.

Internal Representations
 Internal representations are really our worldview. Our worldview is how we
see the experiences that we have experienced and how we would describe
them to ourselves first and later to others. As we experience the internal
representational systems that come about from receiving this information,
filtering this information, deleting, distorting, changing, and transforming this
information, processing it through the unconscious and the subconscious
mind, we enter either resourceful states or unresourceful states. And an
important concept in NLP is the idea of state and the ability to access both
conscious and unconscious, resourceful and non-resourceful states in any
given situation.
This results in a physiology of experience. This is where body language
comes into play. In fact, ninety-three percent of our communication is
nonverbal. It is not the contents of the words we use but the result of these
internal representational systems. Are things near? Are they far? Are they
heard? Are they felt? The resourceful or unresourceful nature of the states that
are created because of this, and the physiology we have, is it congruent or
incongruent, in any situation results in behaviors, communication, and action.
The way this model works and the way it is helpful for us is to understand
that our clients in coaching have external events, things outside of them that
become a part of their world. But every time our client experiences the world
around them, it is immediately filtered. And as soon as it is filtered, it is
changed, deleted, distorted, generated, transformed, becomes a memory,
becomes a decision, becomes a meta-program, becomes a learning, and
becomes an experience that is then filtered through the conscious or the
unconscious mind. This results in lasting internal representations, resourceful
or unresourceful states, physiology that produces action, reaction,
communication, and behavior. Let’s put this in the context of a specific
experience.
As I was working on this book, I let my dogs out into the backyard. I
wanted them to come inside quickly, but they wanted to bask in the beautiful
sunlight of the day. So, I said, "Come on, dogs, come on, dogs." And the dogs
did not want anything to do with listening to me. I marched out there, and I
said, "Give me that stick. Stop playing with that stick. Come in the house!"
Eventually, I had to bribe them with a little piece of meat to come in. They
did. They scampered in as soon as I had a little piece of meat for them. They
were so excited they forgot they were enjoying the outside. I closed the door
behind them. But that simple experience is filtered through our five senses.
Could I feel the slimy ham in my hand? Could I see the dogs far in the
distance? Could I hear the panting of the dogs who were busy playing? Could I
even taste the ham residue on my hand? Could I smell the sweaty dog fur? All
these experiences are filtered, and then we begin to delete, distort, generate,
and transform. Perhaps one of the ways we do this is by scanning our previous
experiences. I knew better than to simply let them out when I needed to
accomplish something else.
Maybe it is filtered through our previous experiences of my dogs never
seeming to listen to me or never seem to mind me. Or maybe it was filtered
through my experience that these dogs are still puppies, and this was what
puppies like to do. My memories, decisions, beliefs, values, and meta-programs
about being a dog dad all come into play here, and it is filtered through both
what I am aware of and what I am not aware of. The internal representation of
this is an experience of being frustrated because I wanted to write before I had
another appointment. And the internal representation is that anxiety that I
knew I could have done something different. I could have put the dogs on
their leash and just taken them for a short walk. It would have been faster and
accomplished the same objectives. And, they would have been just as happy.
My internal representation was seeing myself walking the dogs, rather than
frustrated by the back door, listening to the voice in my head telling me,
Richard, you never do anything right. The states that were produced, in that case,
were the resourcefulness of deciding that maybe some ham would trick them into
scampering in the back door of the house and the non-resourceful state of being
frustrated that I would not be able to write until later today. How was my
physiology in that experience? I became authoritative. I stood up, and I told
those dogs, "Look, I have a treat for you." The behavior I engaged in caused
the dogs to go through the same communication process and respond with
the response I wanted, which was to come in the door.
This is a very simple explanation of how this process works, but we can
apply this to answer the, why are people acting unmotivated and yet say they
are motivated? It is going to be a deletion, a distortion, a filter, the conscious,
the subconscious mind, or the representational system. Why is it that people
are on the precipice of success and then create fear and anxiety and respond
by not following through? This communication and behavioral model answers
a lot of questions for us. In this book, as we learn NLP and life coaching skills
and strategies, we will return to this NLP communication model numerous
times to truly create interventions that will be the most helpful to the clients
we work with.
 Chapter 12
NLP V.A.K.O.G.

Representational systems are a primary strategy and way of approaching

people in NLP. This is expressed in NLP with the acronym V.A.K.O.G., which
stands for our five senses. The first is v isual, the second is a uditory, and the
third is k inesthetic. This is what we see, what we hear, including self-talk, and
what we feel, including tactile sensations as well as experiences of emotional
content that are felt from a somatic perspective.
Often in NLP, we focus on the V.A.K. because these are the easiest and
most predominant sensorial experiences that people have. We often say people
are visual, auditory, or kinesthetic. But there are other senses. The O is o
lfactory, what people taste. And the G is g ustatory, what people smell. Those
are the five senses that we learned about when we were in second-grade
science. There are additional senses that we have, but when we are focusing on
NLP, we are focusing on these five, and we are often focusing on really the
first three, the V, the A, and the K.
Sensory Input
The way this works is simple. We have our sensory experiences, and we
have sensory input. We have something that comes along, and we experience
that visualization, those words that we hear, the feelings that we have, the
smells, and the tastes that we have. And all of that comes into our conscious
mind. We process that. We have already discussed distortions, deletions, and all
sorts of things that change and transform the quality of our content.
Experiences in the now become experiences in the past, and they are literally
stored in what we refer to metaphorically as the subconscious mind. What is
amazing is the power of the subconscious mind.
For example, think about the room where you lived when you were in first
grade when you were six years of age. What was that room like? Close your
eyes down for just a moment. Look at the wallpaper or the paint in that room.
Look at the bed that was in that room. What were the bedspread, sheets, and
pillow like in that room? What toys might have been in that room? Did you
have ceiling molding in that room? Was the ceiling smooth, or was the ceiling
textured? Was there a window? Was there no window?
It is amazing how easy it is to see the sights of that room when we were six
years of age or even to hear the sounds of that room, the air conditioner, or
music from down the hallway, or from a radio in the room. You can even smell
that room. It is amazing how we can feel the kinesthetic qualities of that room,
almost imagining ourselves being able to crawl in that bed and feel the weight
of that blanket. Go ahead and open your eyes if your eyes are not open yet,
and I imagine that room where you lived in first grade was probably thirty or
more years ago.
You have not given any thought to that room, probably in the last twenty
or forty years. And yet, when I suggested close your eyes and recall the room
where you lived when you were six years of age when you were in first grade, it
was instantaneous. We store our experiences in our subconscious mind, but
what is amazing is they are literally on the tip of the tongue of the
subconscious mind, and the subconscious mind is a vast reservoir of
experiences that we can access at a moment's notice. It is really amazing. The
sensorial input, the sights, the sounds, the touches, the scents, and the smells
are stored experientially from a sensorial perspective. This means that any time
we can have an output, that output is almost always going to be based on these
senses.
Our emotions are expressions of our sensorial experiences. We take the
actions that we take because we can see ourselves doing something, or we can
hear ourselves doing something almost always based on the sensorial output. It
is the same with our communication. We communicate by saying to somebody,
"I'd really like you to look at this. Look closely. I do not know if you can see
what I can see, but you can visualize yourself five years from now, having taken
action on this.” The content of that communication was very visual. What
does that tell me? That tells me that the primary sensorial experience that the
conversation is relating to today comes from visual acuity. The conscious mind
experienced the value of visual representation. The subconscious mind has
stored the value of visual representation, and the output of my communication
is primarily visual in nature. We say that people are primarily auditory, visual,
or kinesthetic learners. They are also primarily auditory, visual, or kinesthetic
communicators.
 It is important to note that different senses can change in different
situations and in different periods of time. A person might be very visual in
one context and more auditory in another context, but we all probably have a
primary or a favored predominant representational system. And this
representational system is how we see the world, hear the world, taste the
world, smell the world, or feel the world, and describe our experiences to
others, how we interpret the world around us. We are probably drawn to
others with whom we are in congruence because they are also functioning on
the primary representational system plane. They are also visual, they are also
auditory, or they are also kinesthetic.
In coaching, I find that almost everybody has a predominant
representational system. Later I will share a test that I developed to help me
with a new client in coaching to understand what their most likely
predominant representational system is. It is a very useful tool and strategy. We
can understand this by listening to them and hearing what they have to say and
the way they describe scenarios and situations. They might come in, and they
might say, "Failure to me feels like I have a boulder on top of me." There is
our kinesthetic person.
Or they might say, "I'm always hearing myself say this . . ." There is our
auditory person. When I am working with clients, I want to listen to the words
that they are using that describe their problems because they are also telling
me what their primary representational system is and how they experience the
world, and how they predominantly relate to solutions. That does not mean
that I cannot increase acuity in certain areas so that they have a more well-
rounded approach to the world around them. But when I am first meeting a
new client, I want to create rapport with them. I want to create congruence
with them. And I want to be able to match their primary representational
system in the instructions that I give.
You hear about miscommunication all the time. Put this in the context of
couples. Bob says to Bertha, "Bertha, I don't know why you can't see it. It's
right in front of your face. It's as if there's writing on the wall, and you can see
it, but, but, but you just . . . you just don't understand what it means." And
Bertha says, "Bob, you just don't listen to me. I’m sad time after time after
time. It's almost as if your ears are closed. You're not hearing a word I have to
say." Bob is very visual. He is using visual language. Bertha is very auditory,
and she is using auditory language. What is interesting is that Bob and Bertha
probably are not in disagreement. I have sat across the room from people who
argue and argue nonstop, but they both would like the same thing. They are
both actually on the same page. But because he is visual and because she is
auditory in their communication, they're missing their points.
One brilliant avenue for working with couples in coaching is to help them
understand the value of primary representational systems and how they can
contribute to improving communication strategies.
 One of my favorite ways to describe the auditory, the visual, and the
kinesthetic, or identify them is to ask them about shopping at Ikea. Even if
you have not shopped there, you have probably, at some time or another,
bought furniture in a box. And you bring the box home. You take the things
out of the box. And there are fifty different pieces. When you build something
like this, how do you do it? Do you look at the picture of the box and look at
all the pieces on the floor and try to match the pieces on the floor to the
picture on the box, and then build the picture? That is our visual learner.
Or are you the person who puts the pieces on the floor, grabs the
instruction manual, and immediately starts to read step one, step two, step
three, step four. That is our auditory learner. They are literally hearing. It is
called transliteration. They are literally hearing the words that they read as a
voice within their head, giving themself instructions, like somebody telling
them what to do.
Or are you a kinesthetic person? Do you take the pieces, put them on the
floor, kick the box off to the side, throw the instruction manual over the
shoulder, and hold out which piece is the longest, which piece is heaviest? You
hold the screw in your hand. Is this a longer or shorter screw, a narrower
screw, or a smaller screw? You build the piece of furniture based on feeling the
pieces. This is the Ikea furniture test that can help you to determine whether
you are or whether your client is auditory, visual, or kinesthetic. It is not likely
that you have somebody who is primarily olfactory or gustatory as their
primary learning style, but there are some people.
It is interesting when people with primarily olfactory or gustatory styles
find the perfect profession. A profession for them may be, for example, a wine
taster or a chef where taste and smell become the way that they primarily see
and experience the world around them. And we are grateful that we have those
people in our world.
Something that is significant that we are going to get into later is the
submodalities. These are the way the primary representational systems can
become chunked down. For example, visual. Is it far? Is it near? Is it big? Is it
small? Visualization. Is it colorful? Is it black and white? Submodalities are the
qualities or the attributes of the primary representational systems, and they
give us a tremendous number of different tools that we can use in coaching to
elicit different responses.
 "See," I might say to my client, "the color of the problem that you're
experiencing—or an image of a previous life event, or the image of where you
would like to go—and what your goal is, what if you change the image? What
if you move it back? What if you move it closer? What if you make it colorful?
What if you take the color away from it? And auditory. What if you add sound
to the image? What is it? What would happen if you added feeling to the
image, and it was three-dimensional, and you could feel the image? What
would it feel like? Would it be soft? Would it be hard?" These are the
submodalities. These are all important aspects of helping to communicate with
individuals within the context of primary representational systems.
Later I will share with you a quiz that I use as a test or a tool that I
developed to help me determine quickly what my clients are presenting with
and how I can best build both rapport with them and help them to
communicate, act, and feel in ways that are beneficial to them.
 Chapter 13
NLP Swish Pattern

Now I want to share with you an adaptation of the famous NLP Swish
Pattern. The Swish Pattern is where we take one representation of a person's
experience, usually associated with a negative representation, and we swish it
mentally into a new positive experience. This is often done in NLP as follows,
Imagine you're in a movie theater. A movie is playing on the screen. It
is the trauma, the difficulty, the stress, the things that you do not like,
the things that are irritating you. Imagine a movie of that situation is
playing on the screen. And right when it gets to the difficult part,
freeze the screen. As you freeze the screen, look at the colors. Are they
vibrant? Look at the people who are in this image. Look at the
situation that is on the screen. Now that you are looking at the screen
and you see that image imagine this to be a representation of the
difficulty that you are trying to overcome. Now imagine in the very
corner of that movie screen is a small postage stamp size image. And
that image is a positive picture, a picture that is the antithesis of the
stress that you're experiencing.
If a client, for example, was afraid to fly, that mental picture on that screen
could be a jet flying through turbulent air, people screaming, stuff falling. That
is their mental representation. They can hear the sounds. They can see the
sights. They are praying in their head because they imagine the plane is going
down. That is the representation that was so stressful to them. Over here in
the corner is a little tiny image, a very small image that is positive. It is them
flying through clear and unlimited visibility blue skies. They are in first-class
rather than coach. They are comfortable. They feel secure. It is a great flight.
The NLP strategy is to have them put their finger on that postage-stamp-
sized image of the positive experience and to swish it over the negative
association or experience. We are instantly replacing negativity with something
positive.
I use this variation of the Swish Pattern with many clients. For the last
thirty years, I have used this with hundreds of people, and they all have a lot of
fun with it.
A client might say to me, “When I try to look at one aspect of solving a
problem, every problem is there. And it is bigger than I can comprehend. I
have a sense of overwhelm.”
I'll say, "The sense of overwhelm that you're saying is really all coming
together in one experience. I would like you to take a piece of paper, and I
would like you to take this box of colored markers and pens. And I'd like you
to draw the image that you're seeing in your mind." It does not matter if these
drawings are abstract or if they are very specific. It does not matter if they are
art gallery quality renderings or if they are simply stick figure drawings. I will
continue, "I want you to draw the colors, the shapes, the people, the scenarios,
everything that feels like that sense of overwhelming."
Give them as much time as they want. They can have a lot of fun with this.
I will give them another piece of paper. I'll say, "Now, I want you to draw the
antithesis of that stressful picture. Draw the opposite of it. If you woke up this
morning and everything was exactly the way you hoped it would be, what
would that picture look like instead?" The same box of markers, another piece
of paper, and let them go at it. Let them draw.
We are all very familiar with the remote control for the TV. We can change
the channel at any time. So, I will ask my client to hold up the picture and to
take a look at the images. To look at the images, to look at the stress, the
overwhelm, the difficulty. Remember the difficult images on top of that
antithesis image. And I will let them know that they can stay stuck picturing
this in their mind, hearing those sounds, feeling those feelings for as long as
they would like to. Or, if at any time they are ready to, they can click the
remote control. They can simply change the channel to the antithesis image, to
the image that would bring them a sense of security, an image of success, an
image of confidence, an image of whatever resource state it is that they are
trying to acquire.
Then, as my client leaves my office, I will usually crumple up that first
picture and let them know that they have a homework assignment. And the
homework assignment is to take the second picture, to stick it on their
refrigerator, or tape it to the wall next to their computer monitor, or anywhere,
and at any time they are having that sense of overwhelm or they feel trapped,
they can change the mental channel to the antithesis experienced.
 It is a valuable resource state to them rather than the non-resourceful
resource state that they have been holding onto. This is just one application. I
have used this in psychotherapy. I have used it in coaching. I have used it in
professional hypnosis. I have probably used this, at one time or another, in a
sales meeting. I’ll say, “Draw a picture of you at the end of the month, when
you haven't reached your sales goal. What does it look like? Is your boss in the
picture? What else is going on? Draw an image now of wildly exceeding your
sales goals. What would that be like? What would that image look like?” This
can be a powerful interactive experience, where a client is literally putting the
solutions in their own handwriting.
That is an effective strategy and technique that you can apply with your
clients immediately to help them discover success.
 Chapter 14
NLP Assessment of Primary Representational
Systems

Before I begin my work with my clients, I almost always use two assessment
tools. The first one is the Nongard Assessment of Primary Representational
Systems. This is a tool that I use to help my client assess their own primary
representational systems. Are they primary visual, auditory, or kinesthetic? The
form is relatively easy to complete. The very first thing you should do is to do
the assessments yourself. Discover your primary representational system.
The instructions that I give are very clear. "Each question has three
choices. Although you may utilize any of these three choices in any of these
situations, I would like you to pick the one and only one answer that would
either be your first choice or the obvious choice or the one you would
gravitate to first. It may be true that you would probably do some of the other
things as well. But which one would be your first inclination, your first choice?
Only one answer for each of the ten questions."
For example, question one. “When you are injured, what is your immediate
response? Would you see the wound as if it were magnified? Would you hear
the sound of the impact? Would you feel the sensation of pain?”
Or question nine, “When you give a speech . . . Do you talk with your
hands? Would you hear yourself telling you what to say? Or would you speak
slower than other people?
There are ten questions, each with three answers. Pick the one that is your
first inclination, the one you would do first. Then add up all the As, add up all
the Bs, and add up all the Cs. The group that has the highest number is your
preferred or your primary representational system.

UNDERSTANDING
 The Nonga r d Assessment of P r i ma r y R ep r
esen t ational S y st e ms

Use the following quiz to find out if your client is operating primarily from a
visual, auditory or kinesthetic representational system.
Instruct the client to read each statement and consider the 3 responses A, B
and C. Have them X or √ the response that most closely matches their
thoughts on the subject of the question.
Once complete, you will add up the number of A answers =       the B answers
=            and C answers =            . If the majority of the answers are A, their
representational system is primarily Visual. If most are B, they are primarily
Auditory, and if C, they are primarily Kinesthetic.
Of course, all people can access and use all representational systems, but we
can usually identify the strongest.
This is information can be very valuable to you. For example, if you are trying
to communicate or create a new induction for a new client, knowing their style
can help guide the development of an induction that utilizes visualization, or
auditory triggers, or feelings, to increase effectiveness. Matching
representational systems of our clients is an effective tool for building rapport
and overcoming resistance.
 The Nongard Assessment of Primary
Representational Systems Questions

The following quiz to find out if you operate primarily from a visual, auditory
or kinesthetic (feeling) representational system.
Read each statement and consider the 3 responses A, B and C.
Mark an X or √ the one response for each question that most closely matches
your thoughts on the subject of the question.

1.) When you are injured, what is your immediate response:

a.) See the wound as if it is magnified.
b.) Hear the sound of impact.
c.) Feel the sensation of pain.
2.) When you spell a new or difficult word,       do you:
a.) Visualize it on a blackboard.
b.) Sound it out.
c.) Start writing it out.

3.) When you read, do you:

a.) See images of what you are reading.
b.) Have conversations with the characters.
c.) Seek stories with action and behavior.
4.) When you think, do you:
a.) Imagine your thoughts as a movie.
b.) Hear yourself talking to yourself.
 c.) Become distracted by external activity.

5.) When driving, do you:

a.) Daydream in pictures.
b.) Listen to talk radio.
c.) Rock out and dance.

6.) If you buy an assemble-it-yourself project, what do you do:

a.) Look at the picture on the box.
b.) Read the directions out loud.
c.) Just start building and complete it by trial and error.

7.) Which is more appealing or interesting to you:

a.) Artful Images of beautiful people.
b.) The sounds of a sensual voice speaking.
c.) The feeling of human touch.

8.) When you go to movies or watch TV, do you:

a.) Prefer rich scenery of distant places.
b.) Enjoy the dialog of heavy movies like court dramas.
c.) Get bored and wish you could go do something else.

9.) When you give a speech, do you:

a.) Talk with your hands.
b.) Hear yourself telling you what to say.
c.) Speak slower than other people.

10.) When relating to others, do you:

 a.) Imagine them taller, fatter, further, closer, or different in any
way; or pay particular attention to unusual features they possess.
b.) Find it easy to follow the stories, jokes and conversations with
others without feeling lost.
c.) Move toward them, feeling their energy.

A answers =             B answers =             C answers =          .

I have my clients complete this online before they ever make an

appointment because it gives me a good insight into their primary
representational system.
It is an excellent tool for you in coaching, using the V.A.K.O.G. method or
approach that NLP teaches.
You can access a free easy to print version of this on my webpage
at:  SubliminalScience.com/NLPbook
Strengths and Resources Inventory
The Nongard Strengths and Resources Inventory is a tool that I developed
in either 1993 or 1994, and I updated it probably about six years ago. The
Strengths and Resources Inventory asks clients to identify the strengths they
have in six categories of their life. The strengths are the internal characteristics
and qualities: trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, cheerful, thrifty,
brave, clean, reverent.
What attributes about them do they have that can help them to problem-
solve? Resources are the things outside of myself. I have a car. I have a résumé.
I have a professional license. I have a certification from the ICBCH. I have
references. What are the resources that I have—the things outside of me—that
can help me problem-solve.
When I have a new coaching client, I want to do what I want to do right
off the bat because I want them to tell me what is right with them. I use an
approach called Positive Psychology, or Appreciative Inquiry. Positive
Psychology is the term we use in coaching individuals. Appreciative inquiry is
the term that we employ in corporate situations and scenarios, which is an
approach that does not try to fix what is broken.
 Therapists—mental health professionals—are trying to take a person who
is at a dysfunctional level and move them to an adequate level of functioning.
In coaching, we are trying to take what is right and help them rise to their
highest level of peak performance.
I am focusing on what is right rather than what is wrong. I am not trying
to fix what is broken but rather compensate for deficits or difficulties by
activating and utilizing my clients' strengths and resources.
It is a whole lot easier to use what is right with a person than to try to fix
what is wrong with a person. For example, if you were to ask me what my
greatest deficit is, I would tell you that I struggle with organization. I am one
of the most unorganized people on the planet Earth. My strength is
delegation. I see big pictures and leave the details to somebody else.
I have learned to overcome or compensate for my deficits by using my
strength and then partnering with those who are resources to me to help me
solve any problem.
The Strength and Resources Inventory is a self-assessment. Your clients
can complete it and bring it to their session or scan it and send it back. Or you
could create a custom form using Gravity Forms— a WordPress plugin to
create forms to collect information—out of this if you wanted to. You can
access a printable version of this at SubliminalScience.com/NLPbook.

The first area is: What do you possess or have access to? These are
resources.
Area number two: Make a mark next to any of those. These are
strengths that apply to them.
The third are things that they have or can do. There are twenty-four
things in the fourth box. I want them to pick the six that describe
them best.
Area number five: Read the entire list first. Pick the four that describe
your best areas of interest or ability.
And number six: Put a mark next to any or all the statements
regarding those people who you think would be willing to help you to
reach your goals.
 This helps me to define the situational supports that are available to them.
I have found that the information it provides serves me well. And it aligns
with my approach of trying to use what is right rather than to fix what is
wrong. I am using NLP under the assumption that people work perfectly, have
strengths and resources, and have the resources inside of themselves to reach
any goal that is important to them.
 Chapter 15
The Coaching Agreement

I am providing you with the text for a sample Coaching Agreement at the end
of this chapter. It is a sample because you need to adapt this to the type of
work that you are doing, the type of fees you have, and the setting or situation
where you are working with clients, whether it is an office or online. It is
important to note that all forms can be adapted to online work. When I am
building a website, and I want to use online forms, I will use Gravity Forms as
my tool for creating an online version of this. It asks for the questions and
answers and an electronic signature. Electronic signatures are as valid as real
signatures.
The coaching contract is important because what the Coaching Agreement
does is really lays out our role as a coach. It separates our work from other
consultants or psychotherapists, or others who are helping a client make
decisions. This can be adapted based on your own experiences, the type of
clients you work with, and the settings you see people.
The sample Coaching Agreement is between the client and you. And you
can edit the text of my Word document and use it as a template to generate
your personalized coaching form. It is really important that you use a
Coaching Agreement form. You want what we would call in therapy
“informed consent.” In other words, I only provide services that my clients
know the price of and what it is that they are going to be doing, and the
methods that I use.
In the first session, because of this coaching agreement form, my client
will not mistake professional coaching for psychotherapy or counseling
services. The very first statement is, "The three primary outcomes from this
coaching agreement that I desire include [one, two, and three].” I want to
know, straightaway, what my client hopes to accomplish entering into this
coaching relationship with me, their coach.
The next paragraph or two defines the nature of coaching, understanding
that the coaching service is informed consent.
The techniques and the methods that I use include problem-solving training,
modeling success, intention, goal setting, and exploring options for moving
toward my goals. The services Dr. Richard Nongard provides are considered
non-therapeutic. And no form of diagnosis, psychotherapy, or counseling will
be provided. If either my coach or I determine the need for mental health
services, I agree to ask for a referral to a licensed healthcare provider or agree
to accept the referral provided to me by my coach.
I understand that coaching is a partnership that requires collaboration,
honesty, and effort on my part to manifest the outcomes. The purpose of our
sessions is to engage in creating options, both personally and professionally,
and to learn new skills that will help me to acquire the desired outcomes
through this service. My coach will support me in creating strategic plans and
actions to reach the goals. I understand it is my responsibility to implement the
strategies and plans. And I will request of my coach any support or guidance
needed to assist me in this outcome.
Remember, they are signing this agreement. And then, there is a line that
describes the client's ability to terminate the relationship. This is important
too. At any time, my client can terminate the coaching relationship. They can
ask for a referral. They can simply no longer participate in the coaching
process.
The next section deals with my schedules and fees. It is critical that your
client knows, at the beginning of services, how often you are going to meet,
where it is you are going to meet, and for how long. What is the duration? Is
this a six-week commitment? Is this a six-month or twelve-month
commitment? And how long will each of the coaching sessions be?
I outline in the Coaching Agreement exactly what my fees are, how many
dollars per hour they are going to be paying me for the service, or what the
total cost of the solution is going to be.
I also let them know that there are additional fees. These could include
communications, texts, emails, consulting, preparing reports if I am providing
business coaching, and that they will be billed in one-sixth of an hour
increments, rounded up to the nearest one-sixth of an hour, for any other
form of communication or work that I am doing, for example, traveling. With
many of my business and executive coaching clients, I am actually meeting
them in their place or wherever they’re engaged in business. And that can be in
other cities. Clients agree to be charged for travel time, mileage, meal expenses,
and lodging at the per diem price that has been established.
Confidentiality and Release of Information are also part of the Coaching
Agreement. I want to spell out that a life coach, an executive coach, is neither
a priest nor a lawyer.
You might be a priest, or you might be a lawyer. Even if you are a priest or
a lawyer, or a therapist, you are providing services in the context of life
coaching. And so, you do not have the same level of confidentiality that you
might otherwise have. It is not considered a privileged relationship. Whereas
an attorney has the attorney-client privilege and does not have to reveal to the
court the nature of their conversations with their client, the reality is courts, in
the discovery phase, will require you to provide information.
I let my clients know that I will keep business and personal information
acquired confidential. I will only discuss or disclose when there is written
consent to a third party that my client provides in advance. But I let them
know that the courts likely will not protect the confidentiality of life coaching
services.
And, in the unlikely event that information records are required by a court
or subpoenaed, information will be provided. Again, I want to discuss
confidentiality at the outset. They can have full confidence that I am not going
to talk to their husband or their wife or their boss about the coaching contents
unless written permission to provide that information exists before I provide
that information.
There is a cancellation policy. This sets out my policies about whether
there is a no-show or if they are late.
There is a section disclaiming my liability for actions taken, decisions that
are acted on it, and limiting my liability to the fees paid for the professional
coaching services. That being said, I am not a lawyer, so do not take legal
advice from me.
As I understand it, to a large extent, these forms that the client signs—
waivers that release me from liability—really are not enforceable on a practical
level, but they do set a precedent or an agreement that my client has agreed to,
and that could be helpful.
 The next paragraph is particularly useful for dispute resolution. If there is a
dispute, we will mediate that dispute. If a dispute between my client and I is
not resolved through mediation, then the prevailing party will be able to cover
the costs of defending themselves in the event of a civil suit.
It is important because it is something the client has agreed to and is very
helpful in determining whether or not an aggrieved client will pursue, which,
by the way, has never happened to me in thirty years.
A paragraph on where the applicable law will be applied is essential to
include. I live in Texas, and I file in Texas even if my client whom I meet on
Zoom is in Montana.
Finally, the document includes a spot for the client's signature and name.
The purpose of the Coaching Agreement is to create professionalism. It
creates clear expectations about the services that will be provided.    It is to
make sure there are no disagreements regarding fees or billing for ancillary
services or missing a session.
The more we can discuss ahead of time, the more problems we can
alleviate later. One of the great benefits of this coaching form is it helps
establish a cooperative relationship.
As a coach, I view myself as doing something with my clients. I see myself
as coming alongside them, coaching, sharing, and encouraging them, but it is
the client who is doing the work. And this Coaching Agreement reflects that.
 Sample Coaching Agreement
I, ______________________________________ am choosing to participate
in life-coaching with Dr. Richard Nongard. The purpose of this coaching will
be to focus in this area of my personal performance:
__________________________.
The three primary outcomes from this coaching agreement that I am
desiring include:
1.)
2.)
3.)
I understand that these coaching services include problem-solving training,
modeling success, intention and goal-setting, and exploring options for
moving towards my goals. The services Dr. Richard Nongard provides are
considered non-therapeutic and no form of diagnosis, psychotherapy, or
counseling will be provided. If either I, or my coach, determines a need for
mental health services, I agree to ask for a referral to a licensed healthcare
provider or agree to accept the referral provided to me by my coach.
I understand that coaching is a partnership requires collaboration, honesty,
and effort on my part to manifest the desired outcomes. The purpose of our
sessions is to engage in creating options both personally and professionally
and to learn new skills that will help me acquire the desired outcomes of this
service. My coach will support me in creating strategy, plans, and actions to
reach my goals.
I understand that is it my responsibility to implement strategy and plans,
and that I will request of my coach any support or guidance needed to assist
me in this outcome.
I understand the I may terminate or discontinue the coaching agreement at
any time.

Schedule and Fees:

All fees have been explained to me in advance. This agreement will commence
on ____________, and will continue through __________.
My meeting with my coach will occur:
______ Daily  _____ Weekly _____ Monthly
The time will be limited to: _____ Minutes per session.
Additional fees will be charged at the hourly rate of _________ billed in 1/6
of an hour increments for phone calls, online meetings, email, texting and any
other form of interaction and rounded to the nearest 1/6 of an hour
increment.
Clients will be charged for travel time, milage, meal expenses, lodging fees, and
other travel expenses related to providing these services at the daily per diem
established.
Confidentiality/Release of Information:
I understand that my coach will keep business and personal information
acquired about me confidential and will only disclose information to a third
party about the content of the coaching sessions when written permission is
provided by the client in advance. Clients should know that there are limits to
confidentiality and that courts will likely not protect the confidentiality of this
service, and in the unlikely event information or records are required by a
court, information about these services may be subpoenaed and requested
information will be provided.

Cancellation Policy:
If I am unable to meet at the designated time, all cancellations not within
24 hours, or no-shows will be charged the full amount of the service.

Limited Liability:
Except as expressly provided in this Agreement, the Coach makes no
guarantees, representations orwarranties of any kind or nature, express or
implied with respect to the coaching services negotiated, agreed upon and
rendered. In no event shall the Coach be liable to the Client for any
indirect,consequential, or special damages. Not withstanding any damages that
the Client may incur, theCoach’s entire liability under this Agreement, and the
Client’s exclusive remedy, shall be limited to theamount actually paid by the
Client to the Coach under this Agreement for all coaching servicesrendered
through and including the termination date.

Dispute Resolution:
If a dispute arises out of this Agreement that cannot be resolved by mutual
consent, the Client and Coach agree to attempt to mediate in good faith for up
to 45 days after notice given. If the dispute is not so resolved, and in the event
of legal action, the prevailing party shall be entitled to recover attorney’s fees
and court costs from the other party.
Applicable Law:
This Agreement shall be governed and construed in accordance with the
laws of the State of __________, without giving effect to any conflicts of laws
provisions.
Client Name: _____________________________________
Client Signature: ____________________________________
Date:_________
Coach Name: ____________________________________
Coach Signature: ______________________ Date: _________
 Chapter 16
Client Personal Information

The Client Personal Information form is a couple of pages, and it asks my

clients some questions. Before I provide any service to my clients, I want them
to answer these questions. What is interesting is that not all the questions are
always answered by all clients. We can adapt or change these questions
depending on whether we are doing life coaching, executive coaching,
providing hypnosis coaching, or any other form of service, such as community
development coaching.
It is important to note that what is on the form is important, but what is
not on this form is also very important. The client will usually talk about some
of the things that are missing. The form simply asks for the date they are
completing it, their name, address, email address, preferred telephone contact,
date of birth, age, employer, and the type of work that they do.
I am interested in the work that they do. A person typically spends a third
of their life asleep, a third of their life at work, and a third of their life doing
something else. A lot of people have issues and difficulties in managing the
boundaries of their work life world.
The questions begin with asking what their three most resourceful
personal strengths or characteristics are. Notice I do not ask what the three
problems are that they are facing. I am far less interested in the problems a
person has than the solutions they have.
I always lead with, “What are your strengths?” I’m asking what's right with
them rather than what's wrong with them. What I have noticed, though, is that
my clients give me this form back, and they have written one, two, or three
things down. They're able to identify three strengths, resources that they have.
But a lot of folks struggle with looking at what's right. I require my clients to
complete all three things. The three answers are very important.
When I get stuck in coaching, when I am not sure what to do next, I
review their strengths and resources. It is easier to teach somebody to use the
resources they have in the context of new situations than to bring outside
resources they do not yet have or possess into the new situations and
scenarios.
One of the points that I want to stress here is what is not on this form. I
do not ask about their medical history, recent surgeries, or medications they
are taking. Those questions are not on my intake form because I am not
providing any form of healthcare. I am a life coach, an executive coach, a
business coach, a community development coach, a personal development
coach, or a trainer. I am not a healthcare provider in this context.
If I have these questions on my form, it could be construed that I must be
providing some type of medical intervention or diagnosis or answer or
support.  It is not essential to me in the beginning, and my client will tell me
those things that are important.
Let’s take a look at some other questions found on the form. “When
completing our coaching, how will you know that life coaching has been
successful to you?” That is one of the most significant questions on this form.
How will they know that this was successful to them? Their answer to this
question tells me what my coaching should be aiming for.
In NLP coaching, we are always using our client's resources and helping
them to become the best them they can be, rather than the best me I think
they can be.
“What outcomes would you like to accomplish through coaching?” “Have
you engaged in life coaching in the past? Describe for me that experience.”
“What's your primary goal in meeting for life coaching?” “Do you understand
the nature of the relationship that coaching is a goal-directed collaboration to
help you accomplish your goals, and that is not healthcare, psychotherapy, or
counseling?” I have documented, again, that the work that I am doing is not a
form of healthcare regulated by state boards.
“What are your current limitations in achieving your desired goals?” “Who
are the situational supports, the people in your world, both personal and
professional, that can help you to accomplish your goals?”
I am a paid temporary professional in my client's life. My goal ultimately is
to help my clients become a part of the world around them, the people in their
families, their community, and their work. I want them to identify right here at
the outset who those people are. And if they cannot identify anybody, I know
one of the tools that I need to use in coaching is to help them build these
relationships. If they are able to identify people, I now know as I go through
the process of NLP coaching with them who can be situational support so
that when I practice with them in my session, they can implement it in their
real world. “What do you want me to teach you?” “What skills do you think
will help you move toward your desired outcomes?”
You can adapt the Client Personal Information form. You can make it as
long as or as short as you want to. I do not ask if they are married, divorced, or
have children. I do not ask about their sexual orientation, shoe size, and
religion they grew up in. These may be very significant in the process of life
coaching but, in my very first session with them, I really want to focus on their
strengths, the resources, the situational supports, the who that are in their
world. What desired outcomes do they have? How would they know if they
were successful? And what skills can I teach them to achieve that which is
most important to them?
The Personal Information Form and the Coaching Agreement are written
records, both completed before we have our first session, that shows that you
have clearly not represented yourself outside of your scope of practice.

Client Personal Information

Date: _________________________________

Name: __________________________________________________

Address:
_____________________________________________________________

_______________________________________

Preferred Contact Telephone# _(________)_______________

Email: ____________________________________________

Date Of Birth: ______/_____/_______ Age: ____________

Employer: _________________________________________
What type of work do you do?
__________________________________________________
What are your three most resourceful personal strengths or characteristics?
1.)
2.)
3.)
When we complete our coaching, how will you know that life-coaching had
been successful for you?

What outcomes would you like to accomplish through coaching?

Have you engaged in life-coaching in the past? Describe the outcome of that
experience:

What is your primary goal in meeting for life-coaching?

Do you understand that life-coaching is a goal directed collaboration to help

you accomplish your goals and is not healthcare, psychotherapy, or counseling?

What are your current limitations in achieving your desired goals?

Who are the situations supports in your personal or professional life that can
help you accomplish your goals?

What skills would help you move towards your desired outcomes?
 Chapter 17
Transderivational Search

This is one of my favorite concepts in NLP and one of the concepts I find to
be most valuable. I can use this with a lot of different coaching clients. I can
use this with therapy clients. I can use this with my own family, or even when I
meet somebody new. It has also been a useful tool for me in sales and
elsewhere in business.
A lot of ideas that we call NLP are ideas that have been developed within
other organizational systems of understanding behavior and communication.
The book Psycho-Cybernetics by Maxwell Maltz has long been one of my favorite
books. This book articulates a lot of ideas related to the power of the
transderivational search.
The transderivational search is what is sometimes referred to as the “fuzzy
match.” It is where a person has to look inside of themself. It is abbreviated to
TDS. When you see TDS in NLP, it is referring to the transderivational search,
the fuzzy search inside.

Literal Match
What I mean by a fuzzy search inside is that if we are looking for a literal
match, for example, two plus two equals four. If I ask somebody what two
plus two is, we know what answer they should give, and they know what
answer they should give. What we are really looking at here is contextual math,
even though it is linguistics rather than mathematics, where a person has to
look inside of themself and find the context where the match is. What I mean
by this is for them to consider “[This] means [this] in this situation.” And it
could be different in every situation.
Contextual Matches
Contextual matches mean this is the match in the context of this time or
this experience. These are tools that help us to understand what
transderivational search is all about.
Hallmarks
A hallmark of a transderivational search in communication is ambiguity.
We are intentionally being nonspecific when we are interviewing or speaking
with others because we want them to attach the meaning that is most
important to them. This was an idea that Milton Erickson discussed in
Professional Hypnotherapy . It is the idea that the client has the answers inside of
them, and it is up to us to elicit them so we can give ambiguous hypnotic
suggestions. The result is that the client will attach the meaning that is most
important to them.
Ambiguity is our friend in transderivational search. Rather than asking
questions that allow for yes/no answers, always ask open-ended questions
where a person must look inside of themself before they can draw the answer
out. The concept here is having the client look deep inside of their
experiences, their five senses, their previous learnings, and their subconscious
mind to find the answers.
Words
Words and phrases that are very powerful or that can elicit a
transderivational search are words like, “What experience do you recall when .
. . ?” This causes a person to have to look inside of themself to see if there is
an experience that they recall, or an emotion, or anything else related to
whatever the topic is. A phrase like, “I wonder what you would find if . . .?” is
very powerful. What is it I am finding? I must look inside myself to discover
what it is that I find or what I found and discover is another powerful world.
In the context of sales, “What could you discover if you owned an electric
vehicle?”    In another context, “What could you discover if you allowed
yourself the freedom to experience emotions differently now than you have
before?” The client would have to look inside of themself to see what they
could possibly discover. The book Encyclopedia of Positive Questions: Using
Appreciative Inquiry to Bring Out the Best in Your Organization by Diane Whitney,
David Cooperrider, Amanda Torsen-Bloom, and Brian S. Kaplin has long
been one of my favorite NLP books, even though the word NLP is nowhere
to be found within its pages.    Almost every question used as an example in
Appreciative Inquiry in the book creates and fosters a transderivational search.
Here is an example of one of the questions: “What was it about you, your
coworkers, and your organization that facilitated the seamless service in those
positive customer reviews?” I must look inside and see me . I must look inside
and see my coworkers. I must look inside and see the organization to answer
the question.
“What is it about the situation that most supported you in delivering on
this one success?” Again, I must look inside of myself. I must review the
situation to determine what it is. And by looking inside of myself, that comes
from the deepest levels of awareness. The answers we get are higher quality
answers that help us help people make connections to choose options and
develop pathways into success.
Let me give you a few examples of other questions that we might ask—in
therapy, coaching, business, sales, and even in our family structure. “What will
you be thinking tomorrow when . . .?” “What will you be thinking tomorrow
when you get out of bed after you've made this big change?” I must look
inside myself to see what it is that I will be thinking tomorrow. This is
powerful because if I can think it, I can create it. And if I can create it, I can
step into tomorrow already with action having been taken at least on a mental
or metaphysical level.
Here is another excellent question or a way of phrasing that is particularly
useful: “The many options you have include what things?” Well, I must look
inside of myself to find the answer. I thought I was between a rock and a hard place. I
didn't know that I had multiple options. Let me look inside of myself and see the options.
As the questioner or the speaker, I have asked this transderivational search.
This is a technique that is often used in the opening line of a TEDx talk or the
opening line of a keynote speech, asking participants in the audience to
internalize what the result of the talk is going to be.
“What emotion do you struggle with most?” I have to do a scan of all of
my emotions which puts me in touch with all of my emotions to determine
which one I struggle with most. You see, it is not just a yes or no answer
because although I may elicit a specific response—anger, depression,
hopelessness—whatever it is that we elicit, they have to scan all their emotions.
This helps me when I am providing therapy with individuals to recognize
that they are not a human doing and that they are a human being with a full
range of emotional expressions available to them, even if they found themself
to this point, stuck in anger, or stuck in depression, or stuck emotionally with
some other predominant non-resourceful emotion.
Another excellent question is, “You need something, don't you?” I will
write about language patterns later, but “don't you?” is a compelling language
pattern. It causes a person to look inside of themself and ask, Do I really need
that? Do I really want that? Do I really feel that? If I said to somebody, “You really
need something, don't you?” They must look inside to answer the question
and determine, Yes, I do need something. Here is what it is.
We can put a transderivational search in the context again of therapy, sales,
business, or any form of effective communication. Let’s take a look at a couple
of quick examples here.
In the context of new car sales, the salesperson might ask the client, “What
will you be thinking tomorrow when that new Honda is in your garage, and
you open up the garage door and have this realization, this car is mine?” Well,
I must look inside of myself. I will be excited because I have reliability. I will be excited
because I have affordability. I will be excited because I have comfort. So, I am going to
look inside of myself and discover all these things with this question.
In the context of therapy, the therapist might ask the client, “What will you
be thinking tomorrow when the problem that you came here for feels less
defeating than it has in the past?” What would I feel? I would feel freedom. I
would feel relief. And if I can create through a transderivational search
awareness of freedom and relief, I do not have to wait for change to occur to
experience it. I am actually experiencing it right now, here in the therapist’s
office.
Again, in the context of new car sales, “The many options you have
include competitors' vehicles, but what is it about this car that really matches
your needs better than any of the rest?” This is great for overcoming
objections. I must consider why the others are not as good to answer the
question and look inside of myself to answer. It is because this one has a furry
steering wheel. And so, because we have elicited that transderivational search, we
have elicited commitment to this stage or this product in the sales process.
Again, in the context of a therapy session, “Of the many options you have,
which of these options would appear to help you manage your anger the most
effectively?” I must look inside of myself and consider all my options to
answer the question, which means I'm choosing the best one. And when I
choose the best one, it is going to be the one that is most effective for me.
Returning to the new car sales, “What emotion do you struggle with most
when driving that lemon of a Buick that you bought seventeen years ago?” Oh
my gosh, I feel despair, hopelessness, embarrassment! The reply will come from within.
So, a pain point has been created, and we know that can be a sales strategy to
elicit the next question, “And what emotion do you think you would feel most
if you were driving a brand-new Honda Civic?” I’d be feeling empowerment!
Excitement! Security! So, I am eliciting the deepest emotional commitment level
answers to these questions with a transderivational search.
“You need something, don't you?” “In order to overcome the
transportation difficulties you've had in the last year, wouldn't you . . .?”
Wouldn't I? Well, let me look. Yes, I would. I would need a new Honda. “You need
something in order to overcome the depression, don't you?” I must look; I
must see. Is there anything I need to overcome the depression? To answer the question,
I have to tell you what I need. And once I tell you what I need, the needs can
be met. And once the needs are met, I can overcome my depression.
Transderivational search is a powerful tool in NLP, coaching, therapy,
hypnosis, parenting, or being a good friend or community leader.
Transderivational search is something that we are going to come back to
time after time in this book, which is why I have covered it here already. You
can understand the power of having people look inside of themselves to find
the answer.
One of NLP’s presuppositions is that people work perfectly. One of NLP’s
presuppositions is that we have inside of us all that we need to solve any
situation, or problem, or experience that is causing us difficulties. And
transderivational search is what brings that to the top so that we can effectively
help other people.
 Chapter 18
NLP Trance and Hypnosis

The relationship between hypnosis and NLP is essential to discuss because

people often confuse NLP and hypnosis. They think that doing hypnosis is
NLP or that NLP is a form of hypnosis. The two are different, but they are
related.
States
Let’s take a look at what trance states are. Most of you have seen a
Hollywood movie where Frankenstein casts Igor under a spell or into a trance.
And he simply moves forward mindlessly like a zombie. That type of scenario
is typically what we think of when we think of trance, or we think of an altered
state of consciousness, something from the super-normal, not possible except
through some sort of magical or mystical trance state.
The reality is that trance is a natural phenomenon. Every person and every
creature experiences trance. We experience some form of trance all day long,
every single day. It is for this reason that when I am working with my clients, I
am not trying to induce trance. The reality is my clients are always in some
form of a trance, no matter what they are doing. It could be their driving
trance, their parenting trance, their anger trance, their relaxation trance, their
meditation trance. Trance states are states of being that are actually not super-
normal. They are normal. And they could be in the category of resourceful,
something that benefits us and is useful to us like a relaxation trance. We know
there are numerous physical and emotional benefits of deep states of
relaxation. A resourceful state might be absorption into learning.
We know that high levels of stress and disorganization are non-resourceful
states. A non-resourceful state might be inattention and daydreaming, a
distraction.
Trance can be looked at as resource states or non-resourceful states. And these
are naturally occurring all day long, every single day in every one of our lives.
We can have our sleep trance, our dream trance, our awake trance, our alert
trance; all of these are either resourceful to us, or they are not resourceful to
us.
Trance states can fall into the bio-psycho-social-spiritual model. We can
have emotional trance states that are either resourceful or not resourceful. We
can have, for example, a happiness trance that was resourceful to us. We can
have an anxiety trance or a panic trance that is not resourceful to us. We can
have physical trance states, a comfort trance, a painful trance. We can have
spiritual or metaphysical trances.
These are trance states associated with awareness and meeting our deepest
and most profound needs.
Needs
Let’s take a look at a couple of my favorite ways of looking at our deepest
needs, our metaphysical needs, our spiritual needs. A person's religious faith
might be a way to meet their deepest spiritual or metaphysical needs, but I am
not talking here about religion. I am talking about spiritual needs at the most
basic and most profound level.
William Glasser, in the 1960s, was a renowned author in psychotherapy. He
wrote a book called Reality Therapy, and he said, “At our deepest need, at the
core of who we are, we have the need to love other people and to receive love
in return.”
One of my favorite authors, a Christian author named Robert McGee,
wrote The Search for Significance: Seeing Your True Worth Through God’s Eyes. He put
it into a religious context. He said that through a particular brand of
Christianity, you could have your deepest needs met. And he identified one of
those as being security. We must feel secure, and we have to feel significant. I
happen to think that we can probably experience security and significance
without adhering to this specific brand of Christianity, but broadly those are
good words to describe our deepest spiritual needs.
Glasser came along in the 1980s and said (paraphrasing), “Hey, I wrote all
that stuff in the 1960s. And I have actually reduced it down to one word. Our
deepest need is a sense of belonging.” Really profound stuff here. We can have
a belonging trance. You felt that when you have had full unconditional
acceptance at one time or another, not only from others but from within
yourself. We have had our security trance where perhaps because of your
religious faith, or perhaps because of other experiences, there is a sense of
security, a sense of significance. We are talking here about trances that occur
because of our deepest spiritual or metaphysical needs. And we can have social
trances as well. Birds of a feather flock together. The reality is I see people
arguing about politics on social media. We have this side and that side. We
have our social trances that either bring us together in unity or cause division.
Those can be resourceful and non-resourceful as well.
Trance is a broad term. Trance is not a mystical or magical state, even
though it might have mystical and magical qualities. Understanding emotions,
and being in touch with emotions, and expressing emotions can be mystical in
our experiences.
There was a movie in the 1980s called Altered States . I never saw the
movie, so I do not know what it was about, but I remember the poster, and it
had somebody lying on a gurney. Their hands were clenched, and there were
green veins. It was about altered states of consciousness. A supernatural
movie. Trance is normal. We all experience trance every day.
Getting our client into trance is not anything difficult. They come to us in
a trance. What is difficult is teaching people in coaching how to direct their
trance states so that they are resourceful rather than non-resourceful.
Hypnosis is the mechanism by which we help people to create resource
states or trance states with intention. This could come in the form of self-
hypnosis or hetero-hypnosis, where I am hypnotizing somebody else. It could
even be mass hypnosis where one person is hypnotizing a large group of
people, whether that is entertainment or whether that is from the pulpit or the
political bully pulpit.
We can see hypnosis in a lot of different forms.
What we are discussing in this book, though, are the traditional approaches
used predominantly by Milton Erickson.
Milton Erickson was a medical hypnotist from the 1950s to the very early
1980s when he passed away in March 1980. Milton Erickson was a psychiatrist
who was a medical doctor treating people with psychiatric disorders. He used
hypnosis as a tool.
 How does this fit into NLP? In the late 1960s, Richard Bandler and John
Grinder went to Phoenix to observe and study Milton Erickson to find out
why he was having such superb success with his patients. They wanted to
know what separated him from other psychiatrists who were also treating the
same types of folks. John Grinder, the linguist, studied the hypnotic language
of Milton Erickson. Richard Bandler studied the processes of Milton Erickson.
And the two of them created, using Milton Erickson as an exemplar,
replicable patterns and language components that could be taught to other
people so that, ideally, those other people could get the same results in
applying these methods of hypnosis to their patients. And much of NLP is
based on the work of Milton Erickson and his language patterns, helping
people access resource states and use hypnosis as a tool for intention.
One of the interesting aspects about Milton Erickson is he sometimes used
conversational hypnosis. He did not have the client sit in a chair, put on
headphones, and count backward from ten. He used conversational hypnosis.
The client did not really know when the session was beginning or when the
session was ending. Rather, Milton Erickson guided and directed the individual
to create those transderivational searches, to look inside of themselves and
find those resources through what we call conversational hypnosis. But make
no mistake, even if there is formal hypnotic induction, it utilizes trance
experiences and directs somebody into the resourceful trances that can benefit
them.
There are also indirect methods of self-hypnosis where we ask a person to
reflect on the moment, to look inside of themself. We want to make analogies,
comparisons, use other linguistic techniques to elicit the resource states
indirectly. And there is simply direct hypnosis. Go ahead and close your eyes
down now. With your eyes closed down, take in a breath, relax the muscles of
your body. We might associate this with what we would call the formal process
of hypnosis.
Indirect, direct, conversational hypnosis, the formal process of hypnosis,
one is not better than another. They are all tools that we can tap into and that
we can utilize.
You do not have to be a professional hypnotist to use NLP or to be an
effective life coach, but by enhancing your skills in using professional
hypnosis, I am confident that you can find numerous applications for NLP as
well as enhance the quality of your life coaching experiences.
Conscious, Subconscious, Unconscious Mind
Let’s explore the ideas of the conscious mind, the subconscious mind, and
the unconscious mind because these are related to trance and hypnosis.
We often hear that hypnosis is a way of speaking directly to the
subconscious mind. While we can speak directly to the subconscious, we can
also directly speak to the conscious mind. I think it is important to realize that
conscious versus subconscious is just a metaphor. It is a useful way of
understanding how the mind works. Imagine the mind is like an iceberg, and
the very top is the small part that is sticking out of the water, that is the
conscious mind. That is what we are aware of at this moment.
It is said that the conscious mind has a limited capacity of up to seven
things at any given moment, and then something must go. An example of that
is, you are cooking rice and beans. You are boiling the water. You are talking
on the phone. You are adding some seasoning. You are doing all these things
simultaneously. You are watching TV because there is something on the news
you do not want to miss, so you have seven things going on.
That is when someone comes walking into your kitchen and says, "Hey,
can I take twenty bucks out of your purse or out of your wallet?" And you
simply shake the rice and beans and focus on the TV and say, "Huh." And
then later, you discover your twenty-dollar bill is missing, and you wonder who
took your twenty-dollar bill. The person who did, reminds you saying, "I did."
You respond, “Why didn't you ask for it?” "Well, I did ask you." The reason
why you were not aware of that is that the conscious mind was overloaded.
I think we can reduce it to the conscious mind really only having the
capacity for one thing in any one moment. It really is limited. It is short-term.
It is temporal.
 But the subconscious mind is different. It is our vast reservoir of all of our
previous experiences. Most of our mind is like the huge underwater part of the
iceberg that we do not see. This is the vast reservoir of our experiences, of our
learnings, of our emotions, of our thoughts, of our physical state of being. And
the interesting thing about the subconscious mind is that no matter how far
down the iceberg it is, we can bring it to the conscious mind almost instantly.
Close your eyes for a moment. Think of the very first car that you owned.
What color was that car? How many miles were on that car? How much did
you pay for that car? Go ahead and open your eyes. That picture in your mind
that showed up—that recollection of the price, or the miles on the car, or the
color of the car—those were things you had not thought about in years. But
instantly, the subconscious mind was able to bring up $500. I paid $500 for my
first car. It was a 1974 Pinto, white with orange pinstriping; it had a gray
primer door. I am instantly able to bring that to the conscious mind.
The great thing about the subconscious mind is it contains our wisdom,
learnings, experiences that really last a lifetime, and we can tap into that
subconscious mind of ours. We commit to the subconscious mind the
learnings that help us to act instantly in any given situation. This is what gives
us the ability to drive a car. We do not drive a car with our conscious mind.
Have you ever taught an adolescent how to drive? I remember when I
taught my son, who was fifteen at the time, how to drive, and it was nerve-
wracking because he had to pay attention to the brake. He had to pay attention
to the turn signal, all the other traffic, the stick shift—all these things were
overloading the conscious mind. I drive subconsciously. In fact, it was Milton
Erickson who said he would not want a New York taxi driver that was not in a
trance state.
What is the unconscious mind? The unconscious mind can be thought of
as the back of the head. That is where the old brain is, the amygdala. It is the
least developed part of the brain, but it is also the most well-protected part of
the brain. It is an unconscious process to breathe. It is an unconscious process
to blink. It is an unconscious process to have blood flow through our hearts
and our lungs and into the cells of our body.
The question is can we change our unconscious mind? And the answer to
that is yes, we can, but the unconscious mind is very limited as well. It does
not have strategic thinking. It does not tap into the past experiences to decide
on the present as the subconscious mind does. Instead, the unconscious mind
just does what the mind is programmed for.
It is also essential to realize that the mind is not just brain. Mind is in every
cell of our body. It is the essence of who we are.
Back when I worked in Houston in the early 1990s, I worked with a liver
transplant program doing some substance abuse assessments for the liver
transplant program. We would regularly hear these stories like this: The patient
hated carrots with a passion, but they got a liver transplant, or a heart
transplant, or a lung transplant or whatever it was that was transplanted.
Suddenly, they loved carrots. Their goal in life now is to become a carrot
farmer.
How did that happen? Then we discovered the person whose liver was
donated loved carrots. It was their favorite food. How does that happen? The
theory is that mind is literally in every cell of the body. And when we transfer
somebody else's organs into our body, we are literally transplanting mind into
our body. A pretty deep thought, a rather controversial idea, but certainly
something interesting that, although unproven, is congruent with my
experiences working there.
Hopefully, this has given you an idea of what trance is, what hypnosis is,
and how it is used, as well as a clearer understanding of the unconscious mind,
conscious mind, and subconscious mind.
Hypnotists use NLP techniques or coaching techniques to be more
effective hypnotists. NLP practitioners and coaches can use methods of
hypnosis to help create resourceful trance states. The two are complementary.
They go together. It is important to recognize that when you are finished
reading this book, you will have a vast repertoire of hypnotic skills, even if you
are not practicing formal professional hypnosis.
 Chapter 19
NLP Eye-Accessing Cues and Calibration

To begin a discussion on calibration, we need to talk about the world-famous

NLP eye-accessing cues. And the reasons why this needs to be the first part of
our discussion are:
1. It is going to be part of how we calibrate.
2. It is the most controversial area in NLP.
The idea here is that we move our eyes in congruence with whether we are
remembering something and seeing something, whether we are hearing
something and recalling something, or whether we are visualizing something
and creating a new recollection (in other words, something that did not exist),
or we are seeing something in our mind that we have already seen before. Our
kinesthetic aspects can be measured here as well with the eye-accessing
movements, called auditory digital, and it is the concept of self-talk. I will
explain all these things.
Here is why it is controversial. In the early days of NLP, the eye accessing
chart—showing if an individual moved their eyes this way or that way, meant
one thing or another thing—was put to the test, and it failed it.

If it is controversial, why do we still teach it? There are a couple of reasons.

This chart is for a “normally” organized person. Typically, we associate this
with right-handedness or left-handedness. We must remember there are almost
eight billion people on the planet Earth. There is always going to be somebody
who is not going to match the assessment perfectly.
That is where the idea of calibration comes into play, and the direction to
“always be calibrating.” What do we do if we have a left-handed person or a
person who is organized differently? Well, we can reverse the chart. We can
turn our piece of paper around. You can flip the chart over. And it makes
sense for the other twenty percent or so of people who are left-handed or
might be organized differently.
 There are people for whom the chart simply does not work. It is not a
useful guide for whatever reason, the way they express themselves emotionally,
perhaps the shared dominance of various representational systems, or the lack
of acuity in some representational systems.
Another reason why it is sometimes disregarded is that it did not turn out
to be a reliable tool for determining truth or a lie in law enforcement
interrogation.
Why do we still teach the NLP eye-accessing chart? The reason is simple.
It is one more tool and one more guide that can help us. This is not something
that should be used independently of other methods of calibration.
 We should look for a primary representational system and its congruency
across a wide variety of different settings and situations, but it should never be
our only source of determining how we are going to go about calibrating.
A lot of these tools in NLP are exactly that, tools, and they work in some
situations, and they do not necessarily work in other situations. When you are
new to NLP and new to coaching, it is great having some resources that most
people generally accept as a fairly useful or reliable tool to help us work with
individuals.
Let me introduce you to the eye-accessing chart itself.
I wrote truth on the left, and I wrote lies on the right. This is only a guide.
This is not a truth serum. This is not going to stand up in a court of law or
police interrogation, but it can be a guide for us as to how it is that a person is
expressing themselves and whether, because we are trying to calibrate with the
eye-accessing chart, they are sharing something that is true or something they
believe in or something that is fiction or something that they doubt. It can be a
useful guide for us.
When the individual is looking right at you, that is visualization. They are
seeing you. They are making eye contact with you. They are seeing something
beyond you. This is generally associated with visualization.
We have lies on one side and truth on one side. This is a chart for when I
am looking at the person. Because I am talking to somebody when I am
calibrating, if I ask them a question, "What's your favorite type of dog?" and
they look up, up, and to the left, that is visual constructed. That is not
accessing a previous experience but constructing a new experience. In other
words, they are creating a visualization in their mind of something they have
not seen before. This is why it is associated with lies, perhaps. It is not
something they are accessing from their memory. They are constructing it on
the fly as they answer the question. Auditory construction is the same thing.
What would it sound like if this were real or if it had happened?
In response to the question, "Richard, what's your favorite dog?" I look up,
and to the right, before I answer the question, this is visually remembering. I
am looking at my own mind, at what it is that my dogs look like. The answer
to that question is Goldendoodles are currently my favorite dog, although I
love all dogs.
 Horizontally without going up or down to the right, is an auditory
remembering. In response to the question, "Richard, what's your favorite kind
of dog?" and I look to the right horizontally, I am hearing the dog bark in my
mind. I am remembering the sound of something.
Now, if in response to the question, I look down and to the right, what I
am doing is listening to my own inner voice. This is called internal dialogue.
These things are generally associated with congruent or truthful responses.
In response to the question, "Richard, what's your favorite dog?" I look
down to the left, the lower left; this is kinesthetic. This is the feeling. These are
emotions, the weight and the feeling of joy, the weight, and feeling of
depression. All these things that our clients can share with us nonverbally.
This eye-accessing chart is a fun chart to play with. It is just one more tool
or one more guide. If the information that I gather from the eye chart does
not match the other aspects of calibration, I will probably go with those as a
whole, which most likely seemed to ring true. Now let’s take a look at the
others.
The reason I believe why calibration or congruency is an important topic
in NLP and coaching is, as a coach, I am always calibrating those with whom I
am working. I am not necessarily trying to determine lies or truth. I am often
trying to determine their congruency with their stated goals and the actions
they are taking. This helps me recognize whether we will have a hard time or
an easy time reaching those goals. Calibration can be used in many different
areas.
Typically to calibrate, we are going to ask some easy questions. "Richard,
do you like dogs?" Yes or no. "Richard, do you like living in Katy, Texas?" Yes
or no. "Richard, what are three things you are good at?"  I'm a good dad. I am
a good friend. And I'm a hard worker. These are things that we know to be
true.
I will ask the person who I am coaching, the person who I am working
with, some questions that give me a baseline for what their voice tone is, their
posture, their eye-accessing cues, their breathing, their muscles, their position,
do they lean in, do they draw back? These are the kind of things that I am
really studying when I am calibrating as I am speaking with somebody.
In coaching, I may be asked, "Richard, you've described the goal that you
would like to reach. Have you ever experienced success in that way before?"
While you are going to be looking at my voice tone as I answer the question,
you will also pay attention to my posture, eye accessing cues, breathing,
muscles, body position, and body language to determine whether or not it is
congruent with previous answers, previous actions, and previous experiences.
What is it that we can calibrate? We can calibrate truth statements. These
are assertions a person makes, such as the ones I made above. We can calibrate
whether the person believes those self-statements about themself or believes
those statements about other people. “My old boss was lazy, he was no good,
and he was a bad trainer.” That is an assertive statement.
I can see the congruency here in the political arena. Trust me, NLP is
widely used in politics. We might have somebody making true statements that
they know factually to be untrue. And we see that untruth, no matter which
side of the political aisle we are talking about.
We can calibrate emotions and feelings—congruency. He says he is happy,
but does he appear depressed? Are they doing the things they do when they
are depressed, but stating that they are happy, or are they saying that they are
committed, but they are doing the things that are congruent with what they
have done when they have been in periods of “stuckness” or inaction?
We can calibrate trust in the coaching relationship, trust in the leaders and
mentors that are part of the client's world, trust in their own abilities, trust in
their abilities to shepherd other people and mentor other people, whether that
is their child, a coworker or a colleague or a new hire, or other people who are
going to be on their team. We can calibrate their confidence in their
knowledge. This is a little bit different from the true statements that are almost
always assertations about oneself or a situation. This knowledge is when, for
example, Richard starts talking about NLP, noticing where his eyes are
directed. Is he constructing this and making this up, or is it visual
remembering? Perhaps Richard remembers a client that he has been working
with in the past where this technique or strategy worked.
You have been in an argument before where you have asserted your
knowledge. This is different than a true statement. A true statement is about
belief. The knowledge statement is about fact, but we can gauge whether there
is confidence in those facts, which brings us to a whole other area of
calibration.
 We can calibrate global confidence. Does a person feel confident in
themself, in others, their world, their finances, their relationships? When they
step up to the podium to do public speaking, what is their confidence level?
We can calibrate their confidence in one situation and their lack of confidence
in another situation. Then we can help them map over what causes confidence
in this situation to the new situation. They can be confident there too.
I do a lot of public speaking coaching, and I have discovered that I am
confident in a small group explaining one-on-one or to a couple of my peers.
But when you put me in an audience in front of a hundred people, I do not
have that same level of confidence. And we could easily calibrate that to be
true.
When I watch a video of my client speaking in front of a group and
compare it to how I see them speaking to me one-on-one, this is a strategy
that can be used. This is why this is practical. I can coach the client that when
they are confident with themself or me in the state of one-one speaking, they
are confident here. Then I continue, “Now imagine yourself in front of that
hundred-person group, continue to maintain that posture, that pose, that
breath, the state of your muscles, and imagine being in front of that group. Do
you feel more confident now in front of that group, even though you are not
there yet?” "Yes, I do," they likely reply. I continue, “So next time you step up
to the podium, bring yourself to that resource state of confidence you have
here one-on-one. And step up to the podium, ready to speak to a hundred
people with that confidence you have brought with you.”
We can also calibrate behaviors and actions for congruency commitment.
We can also, in relationships, calibrate their comfort level, or their intimacy,
openness, respect, or other qualities of relationships. There are many others
that we could add here. But these are some of the major areas where, in
coaching, I am trying to calibrate and determine a baseline of a person. When
I know where they are, I can discover congruency and coach my clients into
success by mapping over from one scenario or situation into other ways to be
truthful, ways to mask their emotions, ways to be confident, ways to trust
themselves, and trust others, ways to be knowledgeable, and ways to increase
our comfort and relationships with others. All great tools for NLP and
coaching, as we seek the skills of being more effective life coaches.
 Chapter 20
Socratic Questions

The Socratic method is a way of questioning and interviewing somebody. We

use the Socratic method because it creates a transderivational search rather
than confronting, educating, or leading a person with authority. We ask them
to look inside of themself and make a decision about their beliefs, actions, or
goals and help them transform from the inside.
That is why this model is a very popular model in teacher training
programs. Chances are pretty good that any teachers at your local school have
probably been trained in the Socratic method. Interrogators are trained in the
Socratic method to find out the truth about individual situations or the ideas
that people have. This is why the Socratic method is used in academia.
It is something taught to those in the legal profession—lawyers for
questioning people who are on the stand.
What about it in the context of coaching? If I am working with somebody
and they are sitting across the chair from me, or we are face-to-face on Zoom,
I might use Socratic questioning as a way of helping the client to get in touch
with their core values, those things that are most important to them and to
take the actions that are probably most relevant to help them achieve their
goal. Many clients might have a goal, but the methods they set out to achieve
that goal might be less than resourceful or might be timewasting or might be
over complicated.
Using the Socratic method to help someone sort through the options they
have, they create more options. Remember the NLP presupposition that it is
better to have more options than to have no options. The Socratic method can
open those doors, but rather me imposing my options and my thoughts on
somebody, it causes them to have that transderivational search to look inside
of themself.
Socrates was a Greek philosopher, and he is considered the founder of
Western thought and philosophy. He was born around 470 BC. He had many
students.
 One of Socrates’ famous quotes is, “I cannot teach anyone. All I can do is
cause them to think.” And that is what we are trying to do as coaches. We are
trying to help people think on their own rather than imposing our thoughts on
them. This is an important distinction between traditional models of therapy,
which often are crisis-oriented, and telling somebody what to do. The Socratic
method asks them to look inside themself to determine what they should do.
 The Socratic method is used in influence. When I see talented
conversational hypnotists practicing conversational hypnosis and change work,
I see them using Socratic questioning as a hypnotic method of causing people
to look inside themselves, creating the ability to influence other people with
their questioning. It is used in critical thinking, training science curriculums,
etcetera. It is used in leadership development, and leadership development is
an excellent area for coaches to expand their business opportunities.
If you are a life coach and you would like to work with corporate clients,
work with small groups, or begin teaching and training teams, the Socratic
method really gives you tremendous opportunities to share these skills with
others who could also benefit from them. In life coaching, we are going to use
NLP. Socratic questioning was not an idea that was foreign to the originators
of NLP. Neuro-linguistic programming utilized the power of Socratic
questions early on to help create rapport, help people create options, and help
them step into a problem-solving mentality rather than a problem-oriented
mentality. It is important to note here that as the Socratic method relates to
NLP, NLP has always been focused on creating rapport and to use the
Socratic method correctly and compassionately, and effectively with people, no
matter what setting we are in. We have to establish rapport.
In this book, I cover the various components of transderivational search,
the communication and coaching model. They give us some ideas related to
rapport. In verbal communication, there are the words that we use. In
nonverbal communication, we have a depth of communication far beyond
simply the words that we are using.
We are looking at the tone. What tone do we have? Is it a tone that is
authoritative? Is it a tone that is coaching and collaborative? Is it a tone that
lacks confidence? We want to evaluate our tonality as we look to apply the
skills of NLP with coaching clients, the pitch of our voice, the rate of our
voice. Are we a quick talker, or are we a slow talker?
Are we creating rapport, which is two-way communication? Are we actively
both listening and receiving? And when we receive, do we feed that back to
make sure that the message we have received is the message the sender
intended to send? Remember, in NLP, one of the first presuppositions is that
the meaning of our communication is the message received by the receiver.

Rapport
 Rapport investigates the quality of communication to ensure we are at a
point where we can ask these deeply personal, sometimes challenging
questions to a person. Rapport deals with the idea of eye contact as well. Too
much eye contact can scare somebody off. Not enough eye contact can
communicate a lack of confidence, or it could communicate mistruth. We want
to have the right balance of eye contact and creating rapport, the idea of
proxemics and proximity, and this is crucial as we deal with the technology we
utilize to coach.
In my experience with rapport, creating it is different when somebody is
sitting on a chair in front of me. When I can sit directly across from
somebody, I can attend to them. Attending is a skill of being fully present with
the person. There is plenty of research to show that when we are in the
proximity of other people—when we are physically present with other people
—it changes our neurochemistry. It changes the way we feel. We can create
rapport simply by being present with somebody. The internet gives us a new
opportunity to coach people in a different way. But if I am on a Zoom
meeting, I might not have the same level of rapport.
This can be a little deceptive because I can see you, and you can see me. It
almost feels like reality, but proxemics is missing. I must make sure that when I
engage in Socratic questioning that the person with whom I am speaking is at
a point where they are willing to be open and are willing to exchange these
ideas with me. We also must develop rapport with empathy. Empathy is all
about being fully present with another person. It does not necessarily mean
agreeing with a person, but it does mean being fully present with a person. It
means more than simply listening to them. It means attending to them. Ernest
Rossi, a contemporary of Milton Erickson, described hypnosis and rapport in
hypnosis as “belly button to belly button communication.” That is a very
powerful metaphor about the power of empathy.
The very first Ericksonian hypnosis training I went to was titled “Advanced
Accurate Empathy.” It was a course for mental health professionals, and it was
taught by Bob Bullet from the University of Florida. It was the model for
being able to compassionately attend to somebody and exchange ideas with
them. That exchange of ideas with the client fosters the development of
options from within themself.
I think that rapport requires curiosity. Do we genuinely have curiosity
about other people? When I ask you a question that is a challenge statement, I
am not doing it so that I can be right. I am doing that because I am generally
curious if the person with whom I am working has the ability to be flexible.
Do they have the resources and the tools within to adapt to new
situations? I am genuinely curious. What would the outcome be for them if
their life were improved by releasing old ideas that held them back from
having successful relationships, getting along with other people, or dealing
with problems in a way that was not non-resourceful? Do we have a genuine
curiosity about people? These are all elements of our nonverbal
communication that are important as we use the Socratic method of
questioning to help our clients create options.

The Six Types of Socratic Questions

Clarification Questions
Questions that we ask can require the person with whom we are speaking
to have or create clarification. Some examples are, “Could you explain that a
little bit further?” “Let me ask you, what do we already know about that?”
“Are you saying this, or are you saying that?” We are asking for clarification
here. “Can you say that again with a little more clarity?”
Let us put this in the context of somebody who we are working with who
has anxiety. They have anxiety about making changes. They say to me, "You
know, Richard, every time I come up against a problem, I'm always filled with
anxiety." In response, I might ask, "Can you explain that a little further? What
does anxiety look like to you?" I might ask them this question, "You've said
you felt anxious in many other situations, so what do you already know about
your ability to handle or get through anxious situations?"
I can adapt these questions to any situation. "Are you saying anxiety is
what's stopping you, or panic is what's stopping you?" "Can you describe for
me how anxiety fits into the problem that's holding you back, but with a little
more clarity just so I can see the whole picture?"
We can adapt each of these questions for the type of client that we are
working with.

Assumption Questions
When we are speaking with somebody about their situation, they are going
to bring their assumptions. The second set of Socratic questions probes the
assumptions that people have. Maybe the assumption is, I will always be anxious
when I find myself in difficult situations , or maybe the assumption is, Everybody is
anxious when they have to face these difficulties .
Those are assumptions, and we act on our assumptions. When we act on
assumptions, sometimes we are right. Sometimes we act in ways that are non-
resourceful to us. Here are some questions we could ask somebody to
challenge their assumptions. "Let me ask you, is this always the case?" "Do all
business leaders facing change have this same assumption? Let me ask, are
there any exceptions to this?” “Are there times when you faced a change, but
when you faced that change, you didn't feel anxious?" To challenge
assumptions, I can simply say, "Explain this to me, please."
Let's put this in the context of business coaching. For me to move from
being a publisher of my own books into a business where I publish other
people's books and become a publisher, I have to transition from being a one-
man-show to having many different people I am working with. If I found that
to be difficult or unknown to me and asked you to coach me, you could ask
questions that challenge my assumptions. "Richard, is it always the case that
publishing books for other people is different than publishing your own
book?" I would have to look inside. I guess it is not. It is actually really pretty simple.
It is the same steps. "Richard, do all solopreneurs, do all self-published authors,
wrestle with the same issue when they agree to help other people publish
books?" I must think about that. I know some other people who are self-published
authors who then became publishers for other people's works. "Let me ask you, Richard,
are there any exceptions to the process when you're publishing somebody
else's work versus publishing your own?" "Richard, explain to me the process
of publishing somebody else's book and how it differs from publishing your
own book."
Evidence Questions
The third category of Socratic questions is questions that go to the heart
of reasons or evidence—everybody who has an argument. Someone’s politics
are right, their religion is right, their favorite dog is right, dogs versus cats is
right, there are people in outer space, or there aren't people on outer space.
Anything that a person has a belief about, they will have an argument about.
An argument inside that helps them to support their belief. Sometimes we
might want to work with an individual to help them determine if their beliefs
are resourceful to them. This is where having a level of rapport is essential
before we start asking some of these questions, where we have empathy, where
we are genuinely curious, rather than trying to make me right at the expense of
their beliefs.
Here are some examples of questions I might ask. "Let me ask you, you've
said that this is true, and you believe it to be true because of this evidence. Is
there any reason at all that one would doubt the evidence or might question
that evidence?" Notice, I didn't say, "Is there any reason why I should, or you
should, doubt the evidence?" That personalizes it too much. We've added a
third party here. "Is there any reason why somebody outside of this situation
might doubt the evidence or wonder if the evidence is valid?” “You said this is
your belief, your belief Goldendoodles are superior to all other dogs. Let me
ask you this question, Richard. Can you give me an example of how
Goldendoodles are superior to other dogs?" I don't know. They're both fuzzy
and curly. They're both big, and they're small. But in the process of giving you
my answer, I have to question. It doesn't even make sense. Other dogs have
these characteristics also. So, I have to compare them to other dogs to decide
if my argument is correct.
Another question that can be asked to challenge evidence and arguments
could be, "Richard, let me ask you, are these good enough reasons to believe
that Goldendoodles are the best dog of all?" Well, now that I think about it.
They are really based on my opinion rather than on fact. Again, we are asking
a person to look at the evidence and decide if it really supports the belief that
they have.
We could ask, "How might it be refuted, the evidence that you've
presented? I'm just curious here. I'm not saying your evidence is wrong, but let
me ask you, if somebody were to refute the evidence that you have given, how
would they go about refuting it? What do you think they might say?" That
causes somebody to listen to an opposing argument.
Viewpoint Questions
Now to questions that explore alternate perspectives or questions that
explore viewpoints. “How else could this be answered?” is a question that asks
a person to increase options. Other questions like, "What's the
counterargument to that?" "How might a cat lover answer this question?"
“Why is the dog better than the cat, or why is the cat better than the dog?”
"How might a Nissan salesperson answer that?” “Why is the Nissan better
than the Honda, or why is the Honda better than the Nissan?" Again, I am
asking questions from an alternate perspective. The purpose of this isn't so
that I can be right and they can be wrong. It is so that ultimately my client can
create options and determine what is best for them.
Consequence Questions
The fifth area of Socratic questioning is a series of questions that ask them
to consider the implications or the consequences of the options, choices,
desires, beliefs, whatever it is that we are questioning. Some examples of
questions here might be, "Then what might happen?" "What would happen if
everybody believed the same thing and did this?" "Tell me, why is that
important?" "What would happen if something happened?” “What would
happen if you found a stray puppy that you really loved that wasn't a
Goldendoodle. What would happen then?" Again, we are challenging the
implications and the consequences.
Questions About Questions
The sixth type is questions about the questions. A lot of times, people are
asking the wrong questions. This is certainly very true in business coaching.
They are asking the question, "How do I move from this level to this level?"
When the questions are, "Should we even move to a new level? Should we
move in a completely different direction rather than to a new level? Should we
start an entirely new project?" This is sometimes true when we are coaching
individuals dealing with emotional aspects. The individual keeps asking, "How
is it I can stop being depressed, or how is it I can stop being anxious?" But I
wonder if the real question is, "How can we be happy, or how can we create
security?"
Some questions we might ask to help us question the questions include,
"Tell me, why is this question important?” “How come this one has to be
answered before we can go forward?" "Why do you think I asked this
question?"
In other words, we are asking them to determine whether the question we
asked was even relevant or important. I might ask them for clarification and
question the question, "Am I making sense to you with what I just said? Why
or why not? Are there any other questions that I should be asking you?" I use
this a lot in my coaching, so when I get done with the pre-talk in my first
session, we are still going to do interventions, probably hypnosis, NLP, all
these sorts of things. But I always say to my clients, "Now, before we go any
further, I know I've asked you a lot of questions. Do you have any questions
for me? Are there any other questions, things that we haven't yet considered
that we probably need to be taking a look at in order to make this time that we
spend together so helpful to you?"
I think that for you to truly benefit from the Socratic method and increase
your ability to be an effective coach, you can practice using these questions in
your everyday life. Practice being aware of what Socratic questions from these
six categories you can use. Who can you use these with? Can you practice
Socratic questions with your partner, spouse, neighbor, child, teacher,
coworkers? How and where can you practice asking Socratic questions?
You will probably discover something that is true when you practice this.
You create deeper levels of rapport with the people that you already have
relationships. You will become closer to the people you already have
relationships with. You will probably have a lot of fun being curious about
other people using the Socratic method.
I also want you to pay attention to my teaching style. I was trained early in
the Socratic method. I probably use the Socratic method fairly unconsciously
in my communication while I interview and speak with people because I've
been aware of these questions for so many years.
This skill is one that you can use to increase your acuity in life coaching,
NLP, and helping people to draw out from within themselves using
transderivational search, discovering the options that help them to live their
best life.
 Chapter 21
States and Circle of Excellence

In this section, I will share with you what I think is one of the most valuable
concepts in NLP. We will also explore an application or a way to apply that,
first in your own life and then also with the clients you work with and the
various settings where you work with people.
States
The mathematical formula is our internal representations, plus our
physiology equals the state—the resource state or the unresourceful state.
Earlier I wrote about states, and now we are going to explore this idea a little
bit more.
What is a state, and how do we elicit states? We do this consciously and
subconsciously. As we go throughout the day, we are simply producing various
states. We manifest our happiness states, perhaps our attraction states, or
perhaps our scarcity states.
These can be either resourceful or unresourceful states, but no matter what
state it is, it is always a combination of our internal representations coupled
with our physiology, which equals the state which we have created, which we
are experiencing in any given moment. Throughout the day, we could have
multiple states.
In fact, we can probably have multiple states simultaneously. You can both
have grief and happiness at the same time. When my grandmother died years
ago, and my grandfather, who had been with her for more than seventy years,
said to me that he felt sad. He felt grief, but he also felt joy and happiness
because it was a life well-lived, and he believed that she was in a better place.
So, we can have conflicting states even simultaneously.
When we talk about states, we can probably break states down, probably
into more than just these four, but these are four broad categories of states
that we are eliciting and working with in coaching and in NLP:
Emotional States
This is the state of joy, the state of happiness, the state of excitement, the
state of exuberance, the state of productivity, the state of depression, the state
of sadness, the state of loss. All of these are emotional states. We elicit these as
a result of both our internal representations as well as the physiology we hold.
It is pretty hard to be truly depressed when there's a smile on your face, and
you're feeling a high level of energy. You can fake it and hide it from other
people, but the incongruence will be obvious to the observer.

Physical States
These are a representation of our internal representations coupled with our
physiology. Pain is an example of a physical state. Comfort is an example of a
physical state. Strength is an example of a physical state. Energetic could be
either an emotional state or a physical state or both of those states. Fatigue is a
physical state. We have an internal representation—this is how we know we
are fatigued—coupled with a physiological profile for that.
Focused States
These are our attentional states. A learning state, an attraction of the
abundant state, a motivational state. Or on the unresourceful side, our focus
states could be distraction, disinterest, inattention. Those are all examples of
states that are a combination of an internal representation coupled with our
physiology that results in a state that we can apply a label to.
Created Resource States
These could be created non-resourceful states but, generally, if we are
going to spend the time to create a state, we are going to create one that is
resourceful. These could also be called projected states or as if states. These
states are important because the emotional, physical, and focus states are
almost always, at one level or another, something that we can revivify. In other
words, we have previously experienced what the state is like, and we are
stepping into it again in the current moment or planning to step into it in the
future moment. This is based on our experiences, subconscious reservoir of
learnings, and experiences that we have had.
But sometimes, it becomes important to create a new state. A state that we
have never experienced before. This is something that we want to experience,
and so these states, rather than being revivified internal representation
systems, are created representational systems. The visualization of what it
would be like, or as if I am doing something, or I am projecting what that
visual imagery would be like, or what the auditory message would be like, or
what the kinesthetic feeling would be like, or the smells and the tastes of those
sorts of things. I am projecting what I think or what I hope to be the outcome
of attaining this resource state.
These resource states are important because when we are coaching, we
often work with people trying to move from where they have been to where
they would like to go. Because they have never been there before, these
resource states can be very real. When we can achieve the resource state in the
office, we can step into it in the future, in the real world. This fourth category
is often overlooked by a lot of trainers and teachers, but these projected
resource states or created resource states, or as if resource states, are of
particular value. It is easy for me to wonder, What would it be like if . . . ?   and to
visualize that, to hear that, feel it in my body, taste it, smell it, touch it. Then,
because the mind is infinitely creative, to experience it, that fantasy, as if it
were reality.

Circle Of Excellence
Our amygdala, that part of the brain where the unconscious mind lies, is
the stupid part of our brain. It cannot really tell the difference between fantasy
and reality. Close your eyes down for a minute and imagine that I was slicing
open a fresh lemon. I have a cutting board and a knife here, and I am slicing it
open. I am slicing up a very thin slice of that juicy tart lemon, and I then put
that slice of lemon between your pursed lips. You would probably instantly
notice salivation. You would probably immediately be able to taste the tart,
sour, bitter lemon. Now go ahead and open your eyes. As you know, there is
no lemon, but you had a natural physiological response to an imaginary lemon
that I simply talked about.
This is because our amygdala cannot tell the difference between what is
real and what is not real. If we create an as if state, our unconscious mind
brings us into congruence with the ability to take action on that. This is really
good news for those who set intentions and set goals.
That is one way of helping clients and helping yourself to be able to shift
states, move states, create new states, revivify old states. Rather than go
through life unintentionally experiencing life, intentionally go through life
creating resourceful states rather than non-resourceful states.
Exercise: Circle of Excellence
Create a Neutral State
Begin with what I always call in my coaching work, a mental saltine. At a
wine tasting, they will have you eat a saltine between the glasses of wine, so
everything is clear. Simply take a breath and create what you would associate
with as a neutral state, an average state. Set aside any stress from yesterday, any
fears of tomorrow, just be fully present.
 Take in a breath and achieve here a neutral state, a mental saltine state. You
can do this either with the eyes open or with the eyes closed, but I was
enjoying doing this with the eyes closed. Before you close your eyes, look at
the floor in front of you and imagine drawing a circle on that floor. Imagine a
circle on that floor. Now, go ahead and close your eyes down.
Elicit a Desired Resource State
With your eyes closed down, think of a desired resource state that would
be beneficial to you. Perhaps confidence, perhaps learning, perhaps the state
of recollection, perhaps the state of committed memory, perhaps the state of
helpfulness to others. Whatever resource state that would be of value to you,
identify what you would label that resource state as right now.
Breathe in and breathe out and say the word associated with that state. I
am going to say, "Excellence, excellence, excellence."
Amplify
As you say this word that you have created to associate with the state, allow
yourself to amplify the feelings of being in this state. Notice your body. Does
your posture become better? Notice your breathing. Does it change in any
way? Notice your visualization. What movie is playing in your mind right now?
Is it near, is it far, is it in color? What is the soundtrack of the resource state
that you have created? Is the song one that you have known before or a song
that you have never heard before? Is it a song with singing? Is it voices talking?
Is it your own breath, that moment of success? It could be any number of
things, but amplify that state, both the physiology and the emotional
experience of that state that would be of value to you, that as if state, or that
previous state that you would like to be able to utilize in any situation.
Amplify it from a level six to a seven, from a seven to an eight, amplify it
from an eight to a nine, and all the way to a ten, and allow yourself to hold the
state at the highest level.
Project the Resource State into Circle
Now project from your mind that resource state into that circle in front of
you. Remember that circle we drew just moments ago? Picture yourself being
able to channel or direct that energy, that vision, that thought, those words,
those sounds, those experiences, those tastes, those smells, from where you are
in the part of the mind that creates awareness to that place outside of you
simply in that circle on the floor in front of you. Pretty amazing how we have
the ability to do that, isn't it?

Step into the Circle

Go ahead now and stand up for a moment and step into that circle in front
of you and allow yourself as you step into that circle to be surrounded by this
peak resource state.
Set an Anchor
While standing in the circle at a level ten, set an anchor. You could do that
by just tapping your foot. You could do that by touching your thumb and your
index finger together. Or you could do that by simply saying a word. For me, it
was excellence, excellence, excellence.  

Step Out of the Circle

Before that resource state that you have created fades, step back a little bit
out of that circle. You can return to the chair where you are.
Return to the Mental Saltine State
You can open your eyes if they are still closed. Allow yourself to return to
that mental saltine state. Taking a breath and taking another breath while your
hands rest on the armrest of the chair.
Did it feel incredible to be able to, on command, create that resource state?
Sure, it did. The good news here is that any time in the next day or week or
month, when you need to tap into that resource state if you touch your thumb
and index finger together, or you tap on the floor, or you say whatever your
word was (in my case the word was excellence), you will be able to experience
that resource state at the highest level of peak performance.
Fold and Keep Handy
The best thing is you can take this with you. See that circle on the floor in
front of you. Visualize it there in front of you. Imagine folding it up, folding it
up as small as you can. Put it in your back pocket, handbag, or wallet, being
able to carry it with you anywhere you would like to go.

Access the Resource State at Any Time

 Test this in the next day, week, month, in any situation where this resource
state would be of value to you. In your mind, imagine taking it out of your
back pocket or out of your handbag, setting it back on the floor, and stepping
into it. Actually do this, step into it, fire that anchor—tap, tap, tap, "Excellence,
excellence, excellence," thumb and index finger together—whatever anchoring
mechanism is helpful to you.
Notice how easy it is to step into this resource state, which can be a
problem-solving tool in business, family, community, personal and peak
performance, athletic or academic performance, and in any area where you
would like to live your best life.
This Circle of Excellence exercise is a fun thing to do. My hope is that you
will actually practice this. But what is most important is that you put this into
action in a way that benefits you. Practice stepping into that resource state at
any place and at any time, so it would be beneficial to you in the real world
where you live.
The result of doing that is that you will then begin to share passionately
with your clients the things that have been beneficial to you.
 Chapter 22
The Disney Strategy in NLP

This has long been one of my favorite patterns or strategies in NLP. The
reason why is because, in its truest form, this is what NLP is all about. It looks
at somebody who has created success, and it models that success, and it asks
the question, why is this person so successful? In this case, we use Walt Disney
as our exemplar, who undoubtedly was one of the most creative individuals in
the field of animation, in the field of bringing stories to life. Disney was able to
tell those stories, create theme parks, and saw a vision for swampland in
central Florida, turning it into a gigantic moneymaker.
There is a lot we can learn from somebody like Walt Disney. The
interesting thing about this pattern is that the earliest NLP courses did not
teach the Disney strategy. The reason why is this was developed by some
associates of the early founders, Robert Dilts and Todd Epstein. They
articulated this idea of the Disney strategy and used Walt Disney as an
exemplar in the late 1980s early 1990s.
What I really like about this is that rather than modeling excellence in
psychotherapy, they look outside that field of psychotherapy to find out where
we can model excellence? Walt Disney is an impressive model for us when it
comes to enhancing creativity.
Would you like to increase your creativity in any area of life? Would you
like to increase your creativity in solving mathematical problems? Would you
like to increase your creativity when it comes to being a songwriter? Would you
like to enhance your creativity in the way that you conduct teachings and
trainings, and classes? Creativity is something all of us can use, no matter what
our primary profession is. We can use it in therapy. We can use it in coaching.
We can use it in parenting. We can use it in every arena of life. The Disney
strategy offers something for all of us.
The Dreamer, the Realist, and the Critic
Walt Disney, his colleagues, and employees described three aspects or three
phases or the three people of Walt Disney. These were the dreamer, the
visionary, the person who could see a swamp and create a theme park in his
mind, the person who could take a stick figure mouse and turn it into a global
brand, and the critic.
The dreamer is the person who looks up. Their physiology is consistent
with the dreamer.
The employees of Disney described these three aspects of the creative
genius Walt Disney, using the descriptors of the dreamer, mentally, the way he
spoke, the way he articulated his vision, the way he carried himself in his
emotions and his physiology.
The second aspect, the second person, Walt Disney, is the realist. Walt
Disney, the realist, would look you in the eye. Walt Disney, the realist, would
put his hands on his hips. Walt Disney, the realist, would say there is not a lot
we can dig here in a swamp, and so we're going to have to use different
construction methods in order to turn this into a global giant theme park. The
realist looked at the problems and what was in the way and began to apply
creative solutions and new ways of thinking to the dreams that the dreamer
had.
The third person, or the critic, is the person who looks at what has been
decided, might look down in contemplation. There is a famous painting, the
official portrait of John F. Kennedy, and you cannot see his eyes. He is looking
down in that picture, really showing that thinker, that person who went
beyond the dream, went beyond the realism and into a kind of the minutia of
how to problem-solve, which was a big part of his approach to leadership in
the presidency.
Walt Disney did this as well. The employees at Disney would describe the
dreamer that came in, looked up, and created a vision. The realist who would
look forward put his hands on his hips and look at the specific issues, creating
solutions based on the dream.
And that third component or that third aspect, that third person, the critic,
looks down in contemplation, sees the roadblocks in the way, and finds a way
past and through those roadblocks. There are hurricanes and crocodiles in
Florida.  Any of these could be roadblocks in creating a dream. One aspect of
the critic and one area where I criticize the Disney company is in copyright.
We want to preserve the mouse. We want to own this mouse. Our modern
copyright law is directly related to what I call protecting the mouse. And this is
something that has benefited Walt Disney. But I think it sometimes stifles our
creativity in both leadership and literature, music, and other creative areas.
You can see in Walt Disney these three characters, the dreamer, the realist,
and the critic. And Dilts and Epstein referred to Disney as a great exemplar. If
you want to enhance your creativity, enter into your creative assignment with
each of these three personalities or each of these three characteristics. What is
interesting is this was not just a hypothetical that Dilts and Epstein came up
with. It was when they came up with it, but people have put it to the test.

Study
There is a recent journal article from 2020 from a university in Malaysia
where they studied students in mathematic programs. They sought to enhance
their creative ability in solving mathematics by elevating their thinking to a
higher order of thinking, also called higher-order thinking (HOT).
Could they teach the Disney pattern to mathematics students to help them
think in a higher order and creatively solve problems? The answer to that was
yes. And they put it to the test. They used assessment tools and measurements
and higher-order thinking. They taught the Disney process to some and not to
others, and they studied the outcomes.
The journal article is interesting. It shows that this is an evidence-based
approach to helping people enhance their creativity. Think about an area
where you would like to improve your creativity. Is it in your music? Is it in
your writing? Is it in your communication? Is it in your art? Is it in your
mathematics? What area of life would you like to be more creative?
Without a doubt, we really admire the creative person, the person like Jeff
Bezos or Elon Musk, who has the idea, the dream to put people on the planet
Mars, for example.
Creativity is essential to humankind’s progress. And you can be a part of
that by increasing your acuity in creativity using the Walt Disney process.
Whether it is coaching, counseling, or consulting, we can apply creativity to
solving problems in family therapy. We can apply creativity to helping
managers creatively embark on new ways to manufacture, distribute, or install
the products and services that they offer and that they deliver. This crosses the
spectrum of skills for coaching.
 Imagine that I have you across from me. I would like you to think for a
moment about a dream you have, a creative endeavor that you would like to
participate in, something it is that you would like to accomplish in your life.
And as I share the hallmarks or the elements of this process with you, think
about these things in the context, in terms of your own desires and your own
experiences. The result of doing this will be more than if I simply articulated
or listed it out here. You will be going through the Disney process as I
describe it. And the results will be increased success in your level of creativity.
I could have somebody across from me in the coaching office. I could
have somebody I am meeting with on Zoom, helping them to enhance their
coaching. I could have somebody in my family or really anyone else that I was
guiding through enhancing their creativity but, for our purposes here, just
think of what it is that you would like to create.
What would you like to accomplish? What would you like to be better at?
Last year, my friend RJ (Rob) Banks and I made a bunch of silly songs. We
released some cover songs that we made, and I am not a particularly good
singer. Although he is a masterful guitarist and a wonderful audio engineer,
Rob is certainly not an expert on being in a cover band either. But we created
these songs, and we released them, and people loved these songs.
When July 4th came around last year, Rob and I decided to write our own
song. I said, "Rob, we've sung some of these cover songs. And we have had a
lot of fun doing that, but let's write our own songs, something that nobody
else has said before." And so, we wrote a song together called I am America .
Rob wrote the music, and I wrote the lyrics. We videographed it and put it all
together, and it was a lot of fun. And ever since then, one of my creative
outlets has been writing some verses, writing some songs, in addition to
writing my books.
That is an area, for example, where I would like to enhance my creativity.
Where would you like to enhance your creativity?
To enhance your creativity, the first step of this process is the dreamer
phase. And it begins by eating that mental saltine. Wherever you are right now,
just take in a breath, breathe in, breathe out and create what we call an NLP,
neutral state. Set aside the difficulties of yesterday, the fears of tomorrow, and
just be fully present in this moment, breathing in, breathing out. Now that you
have created a neutral state setting aside those things, think about past creative
achievements that you have had. You can do this with the eyes open or with
the eyes closed and think of a time that you were at your creative best when
you made that music video or that song. Or when you wrote those amazing
words in that book. Or when you were speaking from the stage and doing
your best. Or when you were creative and problem-solving really in any area of
your life.
It might have been recent. It might have been a long time ago but access,
recall, revivify that experience of being your creative best.
As you revivify and you recall that experience, what were you seeing? What
were you hearing? What were you feeling? What were you tasting? What were
you smelling? What was the situation like? Look at all the internal
representational systems that you can associate with that previous creative
endeavor and notice your physiology as well. What was your posture at that
time of creativity? Bring yourself to that posture now; feel the creativity that
you felt and that you created before in another previous successful experience.
You can say out loud; you can speak to yourself with your voice. What was it
that you were feeling? What was it that you were sensing? What was it that you
saw?
Speak out loud. This is what I saw; this was what I heard; this is what I felt.
By speaking it out loud, we take the past creativity, and we bring it into an
experience of the present.
And now we can move to the realist position. Do that by opening the eyes
if the eyes are closed, taking in a breath, creating that neutral state again. Shake
it out, shake out that dreamer. We are going to be the realist here. And you can
do this with your eyes open, or you can do this with your eyes closed. How did
you achieve number one? Ask yourself that question. The realist asks a
question, and that question is how. How did I do it? How did I write a complete song?
How did I produce an entire music video? How was it that you did that? What were
the steps? What were the strategies? Who did you partner with? How did you
implement the ideas? The realist then evaluates their intentions and goals in
the present moment. My intention is to be creative. I am creative. I am creative. I am
creative.
My goal is to write a new song for Christmas. What is your goal?
This is a strategy that is a little bit different than what Dilts and Epstein
first articulated, but I would like to utilize this in the realist phase here, and
that is to map the previous experiences into the present.
If your eyes are not closed down yet, go ahead and close your eyes down
for a moment. And imagine the dreamer, internal representational systems
being mapped over to this moment and this experience. See a new project with
new goals and new intentions, and let yourself right here right now feel once
again the same thing you felt before. Hear the same things you saw before, the
same smells, the same type of experience. And amplify that experience right
now in the present, mapping the previous creativity over to the present
scenario. And notice you have the ability right now to be as creative in your
state, your physiology, and in your mind, and in your emotions as you were
before.
Now we go into the third phase, the critic. Go ahead and open your eyes if
your eyes are not open. Take in a breath, a mental saltine. Shake it out. Feels
pretty good to enhance your creativity. Take in a breath. Make your body
posture neutral, your emotions neutral. Close your eyes down again. With your
eyes closed down like Walt Disney—who put his hand on his chin and looked
down at the desk—what roadblocks might you see stopping you from being
creative? What obstacles could be in the way of being able to reach those
goals? Are the obstacles from people or within yourself, or are they practical
things that need to be resolved? Ask yourself these questions: In order to be
your most creative and to reach your goal, what is it that you can add to your
success? What would help you in the present that maybe you lacked in the past
that could take your creativity to the next level? Who can you add to your
success?”
Sometimes we can accomplish great things with teams rather than
individually.
The last aspect this critic faces is, how can I improve the processes? The
process I used before led me to a state of creativity. But I want to have another
option, another opportunity to rise to my highest level of creative
performance. What can I use to improve the processes? Can I dedicate more
time? Can I commit more resources? Can I plan better? Can I implement more
efficiency? All of these are questions that you can ask yourself. Now take in a
breath, allow yourself to feel creative, both in mind and body and in your
spirit.
Opening the eyes, feel fantastic and ready to be your best creative self.
 This is the Walt Disney strategy. This is the strategy that when we model
Walt Disney, we see somebody who has been a creative genius throughout his
life, utilized in many different ways, in various situations from business to art,
from communications and personality to every area of his remarkable life.
You can apply the same strategies that Disney used in his life to your life.
And the good news is NLP teaches us that so you can replicate those
successes.
 Chapter 23
NLP Mapping Across

An all-time favorite strategy of mine in NLP and coaching is the idea of

mapping across. This is the idea or the concept of taking something from
before and bringing it into the present moment. We know all the power comes
from focusing on the present rather than the past, but each one of us has a set
of previous experiences that might either indirectly or directly relate to a
problem that we are trying to solve in the present moment or emotion that we
are trying to become more comfortable with and amplify a behavior that we
would like to step into.
Previous Resources
Because NLP’s basic presupposition is that we have all the resources within
us already to handle any situation, the mapping across strategy is about taking
our previous learnings, experiences, feelings, and internal representation
systems of value from previous life events and bringing them into the present.
Most of you know that when it comes to hypnosis, I have never been a big
fan of regress to cause. In other words, going back and trying to find the cause
of what our problems are today. The reason why is simple. We cannot actually
change anything about the past, but I am a fan of what my friend, Kevin Cole,
refers to as regress to resource. In other words, we can go back and discover
the resources that we possessed at one time, with the assumption or the belief
that we can map them across into the present time.
We have our present state, and this is where we are now, and we have our
previous resources. This is what the subconscious mind is storing up. The
subconscious mind is storing our previous learnings, experiences, internal
representational systems, processes, steps, relationships, all these sorts of tools
for us. They can be beliefs. They can be experiences. They can be feelings.
They can be intentions. They can be skills from our previous experiences or
more, and we want to map them into the present.
Present Resources
 The big question is how do we go about doing that? What is the strategy
for taking the past previous resources and mapping them into the present?
When we do that successfully, the outcome of this is new directions, new
opportunities, new levels of success. This is how you move into peak
performance. You take your previous experiences, and you bring them into the
present moment. You practice and rehearse.
Let's say you want to improve your golfing. You can create new directions
where instead of being a ten handicap, now you are a three handicap or a
scratch golfer.
We can really use this mapping across pattern in NLP with any situation. It
could be about my relationships. How is it in the present situation that I can
create a good relationship in my current relationship, especially if in the past I
have had a history of difficult relationships? One way to do this is to see what
your previous resources were. You might have had difficulty in those
relationships, but did you do anything right? What was it you did right? What
beliefs did you have that helped? What experiences did you have that helped?
What feelings and intentions, and skills did you have that benefited that
relationship? Even if the relationship ultimately did not turn out the way that
you hoped it would be, that does not mean we can give up hope. We can
believe that we can map across those tools and resources that were
resourceful. Chances are, in that situation, you probably also have been
mapping across non-resourceful previous experiences, but map those into the
present moment.
New Directions
Once we have mapped those resourceful feelings into the present moment,
then we move forward with new directions, new outcomes, new relationships.
We can see that this could be a pathway to success in several different ways,
but it goes back to the question of how to do this. What action steps can we
take, or when we are working with a client, what action steps can we take to
help them to do this?
I am going to give you three tools. These are three different scripts, or
patterns, or tools to be able to map across. This answers the question, ow?
One is auditory, one is visual, and one is kinesthetic.
Visual
Go ahead and close your eyes down for a moment and think about your
current situation. What is one thing you would like to do more of, or that you
would like to do better, or a problem you would like to solve? And think about
that.
And as you think about that and as you associate into the desired state,
access the subconscious mind, that reservoir of our previous experiences and
learnings. The beliefs you had, the behaviors you had, the challenges you had,
the feelings, the intentions you had in other situations in the past.
Imagine you are going into a restaurant. This is your favorite restaurant,
and this is called the Restaurant of Mapping Across. And imagine walking to
your table. The hostess brings you to your table. It is a great table with a
splendid view. And you are with your partner. You are with your partner of the
present moment or the present experience.
And as you sit down and begin to read the menu, you will notice that there
are things on that menu that you have tried and that you have tasted before.
There might be skillsets, problem-solving strategies, or emotions, or even
aspects of belief that are important. For example, if we want to change a belief,
congruency might be one of the aspects that we want to map across to help
believe truth.
If I want to map across my emotions, and I want to map across joy, one
thing that I might discover on the menu is creating shared experiences.
Because when I create shared experiences, I discovered it often brings me a
sense of joy. Study the menu. I will give you all the time you need to go over
the menu. There are appetizers, the things that you might do first. The salads
might give you some extra flavor in your quest to map across the resources
from your previous experiences to the present. And the main dish. Is there
anything on this menu you think would be truly useful to you in the present
scenario that you had not even thought about ordering? And the desserts.
There is almost something that can top it off and lead to success in the long
term.
Since you have your partner with you from the present moment, what are
some of the resources from the present moment that you can tap into? Right
now, in this moment, you might be trying to solve a particular problem, but
maybe the resources of commitment or the resources of sharing experiences.
Imagine the server comes over and asks a simple question, "What is it you
would like to order today?" And imagine yourself ordering that five-course
dinner of all those resources from your previous experiences, and they are
delivered to your table one at a time.
As you bring them into the present moment, when dinner is over, you walk
away from the table, and you step out the door of the restaurant into a new
direction, a new future, where you feel full and satisfied from having brought
from your previous experiences, even those that might not have led to the
outcomes you wanted, a set of skills and strategies that in the present moment
can lead directly to the options, the opportunities and the directions you'd like
to proceed.
Go ahead and open your eyes if your eyes are not already open.
Auditory
I have always said that the person who builds Ikea furniture by reading the
instructions is the auditory person. They are hearing the internal dialogue.
Go ahead and close your eyes down for a moment and see yourself as you
are right now. What is it you would like to build? Would you like to build better
relationships, sales success? Would you like to build a sense of community?
Would you like to build happiness? What is it that you would like to build in
your life? Imagine what that is, the outcome you desire. This is your intention
in the present moment.
Scan your subconscious mind, your past reservoir, beliefs, experiences,
feelings, intentions. And imagine you are sitting at a desk. You have three
pieces of paper in front of you. You have a pen, and you are going to create
the outline on these three pieces of paper of how to go about building the
present moment that would be of the most value to you.
You can use pictures and diagrams if you want, or you can simply use
words, and you can outline your steps. Perhaps step one, congruency. Perhaps
step two, amplify a resource state of joy. Perhaps step three, share my
commitment with others. I do not know what is in your owner's manual
because I am not sure what it is that you are trying to build, but you know, and
your subconscious mind knows. So, take as much time now as you need to
write out this owner's manual, so somebody else or you can follow the steps,
follow the directions here in their own mind, how the process works, to map
across the resources from the past into the present moment.
And now, open your eyes. Look in front of you at the paper you have, the
owner's manual you have written. You are going to fold that up, put it in your
pocket, and you can take it with you. Anytime in the future, when you need to
access this owner's manual and listen to the steps, you can do that.
Kinesthetic
Go ahead and close your eyes down, and with your eyes closed, imagine
the present state. What is the immediate intention or desire, or situation? In
the past, you have probably loaded something into the back of your car or the
back of your pickup truck.
Imagine now that in the present moment, in order to map across the
resources from the past, you have taken each one of these beliefs, experiences,
feelings, intentions, and skills and put them in a bag, and you have loaded
them in the back. And once the trunk has been loaded or the bed of the
pickup truck is loaded, you are ready to start the engine and move forward in a
new direction as quickly as you want to travel or as slowly as you want to
travel, probably depending on how well you have secured the payload in the
back. If your eyes are not open, go ahead and open your eyes, take in a breath.
There are three strategies for working with clients, conversationally, using
examples and metaphors, to help them to map across resources that are
already within them to new situations and new opportunities.
Let's talk about a basic principle in sales. It is a lot easier to sell things to
your existing customers than to get new customers. It is less expensive, and
you already have a warm lead. In business, they call this return on investment
(ROI) or the cost of acquiring a new customer. It might cost me $50 or $300
in advertising to acquire a new customer. But once I have a new customer, it
might only cost me $10 or $30 to create another sale.
Similarly, when we are mapping across, it is a lot easier for us to problem-
solve in the present by utilizing the skills, strengths, and resources already
within us than it is to try to find new skills and new resources and new ways of
problem-solving. In the past, things might not have worked out exactly the
way you wanted them to. It's okay. Life is a journey. Sometimes that disastrous
relationship was necessary to create a wonderful relationship today. They say
that good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad
judgment. Alcoholics Anonymous phrases it this way, “No matter how far
down the scale we've gone, we will see how our experiences can benefit
others.”
 Chapter 24
NLP Submodalities

Important to cover are the submodalities of primary representational systems.

We have visual, auditory, and kinesthetic. That is where we spend most of our
time focusing, but we also have taste and smell. What I am going to share with
you are the submodalities of each of these. For example, within visual, there is
near, there is far, there is color, there is noncolor. What we are asking a person
to do when they are sharing their submodalities with us is asking them to share
the qualities or the characteristics of the primary representational system.
It is very important that you as a practitioner become acquainted with the
huge repertoire and the depth of potential descriptors for each of these
different primary representational systems. These are the submodalities, the
way we would describe visual or auditory or kinesthetic or taste or smell.
Within each of these is a range, and some of these descriptor words
overlap. They can be used across the modalities because the word can either
have a visual meaning or an auditory meaning or a kinesthetic meaning, or
some other type of meaning.  
Familiarize yourself with the word salad that I am giving you. There are
more on the planet Earth than simply those that are on this list, so feel free to
embellish your list to add things to the list that you think perhaps I might have
overlooked or forgotten.
When you are working with clients, listen to their submodalities, the
descriptors they use of their primary representational systems. To work with a
client to help them increase their acuity in a certain representational system,
we can share with them this word salad or some of the words, talk to them or
teach them, or instruct them on creating acuity within these areas in these
contexts.
It is really a rich exercise and is a lot of fun to do.

Visual Submodalities
 We could be talking about the hue, think of a TV set. How much green,
how much blue, how much pink, how much red? We might change the
contrast. More black, less white, more white, less black. We can also deal with
colors. What color is the visualization?
If I have a client who tells me, “I am so depressed every time I look
toward to the next day, it's almost as if I can see gloom and doom around me,”
I know this is a very visual person. I will ask them about the qualities of those
submodalities. Is the visualization they have or the experience they have
framed, or is it borderless? If we live in a virtual reality (VR) world, is it at 180
degrees, or is it 360 degrees?
What is the location of their visualization as compared to where they are?
What is the motion of the visualization? Is it moving, is it not moving? Is it
far? Is it near? What is the angle or the viewpoint? Is the visualization
associated or non-associated? What that means is that from their perspective,
they are associating themself as them looking at something. Or, it is non-
associated, viewing from outside of themself as if it is a picture or something.
Is the visualization hazy? Is it clear? Is it fuzzy? Is it to the left? Is it to the
right? What is the movement or the direction of that movement? Does it move
closer? Does it move further? Does it move left? Does it move right? Does it
move top? Does it move bottom? What is the brightness of it? Is it very
bright? Is it very dim? Is it easy to see? Is it hard to see? Is it focused? Is it
unfocused? What is the sharpness of it? Is it in 4K? Is it in 8K? Is it in 720p,
or is it 360p?
All of these are various submodalities, ways that a person might describe
their experience from a visual perspective.

Auditory Submodalities
What is the pitch? What is the tempo? What is the rate? What is the
strength? Is it verbal? Is it nonverbal? Is it heard audibly or not audibly? Is it
clear? Is it fuzzy? What is the timbre? Is it thick? Is it thin? What are the
distances? Is the sound heard in the distance, or is the sound spoken loudly
into the ear? What is the duration of the auditory experiences? Is it long? Is it
short? Is it muffled? What is the rhythm, the cadence, the tempo? What is the
accent? And are there pauses? Is the sound from inside where I am or outside
from where I am? What is the variation? Is it mono, or is it in stereo?
 All of these are submodalities of the auditory experience. By exploring
these at a deep level with your clients, you can really have them paint a very
detailed soundtrack of their auditory experiences.

Kinesthetic Submodalities
A lot of people who are naturally kinesthetic have a wide repertoire of how
they experience things from that physical perspective. Those who are primarily
auditory or visual sometimes really wrestle with these. Knowing the different
words on this list can help you to elicit a deep understanding of submodalities
from your clients.
Direction comes into play. Pressure comes into play. Texture comes into
play. Emotions can be a physical experience of depression, of joy. Then there
is the weight of something. Is it balanced? Is it not balanced? What is the
tactile nature of it? What is it that they feel? Is it soft? Is it hard? Is it high? Is it
low? High to reach, low to reach? Is it large, too big to put my arms around? Is
it very small? Can I hold it in my hands? What about movement? What about
the quality of the kinesthetic experience? What comes into play here is
proprioception, body position. What is their awareness of themself within the
context of what it is that they are describing? Notice their facial expression,
contorted, the form, the gesture. Do they speak with their hands? Movement,
is it steady? Is it intermittent?
These are all hallmarks of kinesthetic traits or characteristics.

Taste/Gustatory Submodalities
We can break taste down into four different types: sweet, sour, salty, bitter.
What is amazing, though, is that these four words could really be expressive.
You hear this in the context of business all the time. “I've done business with
him before. I had a salty experience.” “I'm not looking forward to doing
business again with that person because it left a bitter taste in my mouth last
time.” ”I enjoy working with this person. They leave a sweet taste in my mouth
every time I purchase something from them.” “I hope this business deal
doesn't go sour.” We have those in relationships as well. “My wife is so very
sweet.” “The last time I broke up with somebody, I was bitter for months.”
We can see these same words again in the context of relationships,
business, community, parenting, helping other people, any of these sorts of
things.
Smell/Olfactory Submodalities
What does thought, feeling, and emotion smell like? That might seem like
a strange thing, but much of the world around us is interpreted through our
sense of smell. Is it a camp floor, in other words, mothball sort of smell? Is it
musky? A lot of perfumes go after that musky smell. Is it floral? Is it
peppermint? Is it ethereal, a chemical smell, the smell of whiteout? Is it
pungent? Is it putrid? Is it fruity? Is it nutty? Is it a woody scent?
If you are a wine tasting expert, you are probably familiar with all of these
things, but most of us aren't wine tasting experts. We struggle to try to figure
out what are the submodalities of the olfactory sense, the sense of smell, and
these are them.
We can easily discover ways of enriching our clients' ability to describe
their previous experiences, their current experiences, and their future
experience when we incorporate the kinesthetic sub-modalities, the olfactory,
and the gustatory submodalities well.
Now that we have had our word salad let's have our main course. The
main course is what to do with all these submodalities. I am going to give you
a fairly simple version of a classic NLP technique.
Think of something that you struggle with, something that is difficult for
you, something perhaps that is either a situation, a person, a place, a thing, an
emotion, an attitude that you are either currently experiencing or have
experienced in the past.
It leaves a salty, or bitter, or sour taste in the mouth. And go ahead and
think of that scenario or situation so that we have something for this exercise.
You can close your eyes down if you want to. You will probably find that it
really lends itself to helping you experience this at a fuller or a richer level.
Imagine walking into a movie theater, and you are the only one in this
theater, so you can pick the place where you would like to sit. Do not pick one
of those movie theaters that is uncomfortable, but rather one of those new
movie theaters perhaps that have those comfortable recliners. And you can
pick close to the screen or far from the screen, off to the side, on an aisle, or in
the center. It really doesn't matter. Simply pick one of the seats that you would
find the most comfortable.
 And imagine sitting in that seat and seeing a movie playing of that
distressing or difficult scenario or situation that you just thought of moments
ago. You can hear the sounds as it plays in the movie of that scene, scenario,
interaction. You can see the sights. You can even feel. You can feel the
kinesthetic experiences as that movie plays. The smells are filmed in, smell a
vision, and then taste a vision. From this vantage point, pay attention to that
movie playing that distressing, uncomfortable, or difficult movie. Now, in your
mind, freeze the movie. Imagine the guy in the projector booth has stopped it.
He has frozen it on a frame. Pay attention to each of the submodalities in the
visual movie that you have been seeing. The motion, the location, the
boundary, is it all clear? And the movement, the direction, the brightness?
Really pay attention to this frame of this movie.
You can hear the sound of the movie. You can feel the feelings of the
movie. You can smell the movie. You can taste the movie. Now we're going to
begin changing these things. You have already frozen the motion from the
visual perspective. Change the color, change the color from, perhaps if it was
in black and white to color, or if it was in color, change it to black and white. If
it was 180 degrees, change it to a 360-degree virtual reality. If it was clear,
change it to hazy. If it was hazy, change it to clear. If you were in the movie,
step out of the movie. If you were out of the movie, step into the movie.
Change it from bright to dim, from focused to unfocused. Imagine the lens
got moved a little bit, and the frame becomes a little bit less focused. The
sharpness comes out of focus, the hue, the color, the depth, the shape; it all
begins to change. In fact, you can even change it dramatically.
You can change it like you used to do on an old TV set so that it is all pink
or all black and white. You can change the submodalities in any way you want
to but play with that idea of changing the submodalities you first noticed when
the movie was playing. When the movie was playing, there was an auditory
experience; the dialogue on the screen, or the soundtrack in the background,
the rhythm, the direction, the accent, the pauses, change those things. If there
was mysterious music, replace it with calliope music. If there was calliope
music, replace it with haunted castle music. If the people were speaking with
an American accent, give them a British accent. If it was clear, make it muffled.
If it was muffled, make it clear.
What you are doing here is you are changing the auditory aspects of this
experience that was distressing to you. And as you begin to make these
changes, do you notice something? Do you notice that it is different, maybe
even more tolerable or better? What about your kinesthetic experiences? The
pressure, the shakiness, the quality, the distance, what it is you feel. The weight,
the texture of these things. Change these things. Change the leather fabric of
the chair you are sitting in for a cloth or a metal chair. Change anything you
can about the kinesthetic awareness that you had when the movie was playing
now that it is on a frozen, still screen. And, you can change the taste from
sweet to sour, from sour to sweet, from bitter to salty. And if there is a smell in
the smell of the vision of the movie, you can change the smell. If the smell was
an ethereal, chemical smell, let it become flowery, like a lilac. Or perhaps it was
fruity like lemon or fruity like an orange and let it become nutty like a peanut.
It might seem strange to be able to change the submodalities of a real
experience that you thought of, yet right here, you have actually been able to
do it, and you can do it dramatically. You can drain the color from the
visualization. You can change the soundtrack of the audio experience, or you
could even make it silent. You could make the movement of the kinesthetic
experience stop, or you can make the stopped bits move. You can change the
smell. You can change the taste.
Now imagine the movie begins to play again, but this time it is playing with
all of these changes. These changes are entirely different now than they were
just a moment ago. It is a completely different experience. And notice your
response to it. Is your response more intense or less intense? Is it attracted to
it, or is it repelled by it? What is it that is changed in the way that you relate to
this experience now that you have changed the submodalities? Chances are
pretty good that the way you relate to it now is entirely different. Your visceral
response, your emotional response, your kinesthetic response are all entirely
different. Often the change we seek is not actually better or worse. Sometimes
it is simply different. And by being able to change something that we disliked
or disdained, or had difficulty with, into something that is simply different, we
have then begun the journey of stepping into a new direction.
Let out a breath. Pay attention to the chair below you. You can continue to
play the movie if you want to, or you can simply stop the movie and open your
eyes. Opening the eyes, taking in a breath, feeling fantastic because you have
learned the art of changing the experience to something, the relationship you
had with a thought, a feeling, a sensation, by really focusing on the ability to
change the submodalities.
 You can use this in coaching and counseling, with PTSD, with business
choices, you can use this with spouses and partners, evaluating relationships.
You can use this within the community to discover new ways of interacting
with people and previous experiences and new planning that might be going
on by paying attention to the submodalities or our primary representational
systems. More importantly, to those that our clients will share with us, it can be
a tremendous tool for creating lasting and effective change with the people
with whom we are working.
 Chapter 25
The S.C.O.R.E. Approach to Coaching

The S.C.O.R.E. model has been one of my favorite techniques in NLP because
it is a very practical strategy. It is not actually a technique; you can use a
number of different techniques within NLP to apply the S.C.O.R.E. model.
Todd Epstein and Robert Dilts originally developed the S.C.O.R.E. model, and
an improvement was made by Judith DeLozier that really focused on the
kinesthetic aspects.
One of the excellent aspects of the S.C.O.R.E. model is that it is almost
universal. You can use this with just about any type of client. You could use it
in academics, business, and parenting. You can use it as your own sort of
roadmap for self-improvement and to help you overcome anything.
It is a noteworthy resource tool, and I am going to share something I think
is really important in using the S.C.O.R.E. model in the context of positive
psychology or appreciative inquiry.
First, let's take a look at the acronym S.C.O.R.E. It stands for S ymptoms,
C auses, O utcomes, R esources, and E ffects. I want to point out that I do
not really like the word “symptom” because symptom has a medical context,
and I want to be practicing outside of a medical model. I almost always use the
word “situation” when I am working with people and coaching. The situation
is that which is distressing, irritating, bothersome, problematic, or in
nondiagnostic language, something the client would like to resolve, change or
transform because this is a tool for transformation. We can use it in several
different ways .
Symptoms/Situation
The first step is to help somebody to understand where they are now. We
cannot go anywhere or do anything until we recognize what is going on in this
moment, in this situation. What is it about this situation that is distressing or
irritating? What is it about this situation that causes the client to want
change?  One of my favorite questions to clients is, how do you know that this
is a problem for you? They may answer that they know that this is a problem
for them because it affects their money or their relationships, or their
motivation, or some other important aspect of functioning. At this level in my
coaching, I am working with a person to describe and understand the current
situation.
I will ask them questions, probably using the Socratic method, to help
them really understand. And I am probably going to also focus on the
auditory, the visual, and the kinesthetic.
When you think of the distress of this situation, what are you seeing?
When you think of the distress, what are you hearing? I will ask my clients, and
this is Judith DeLozier's idea, to model it. “Show me when you are the most
stressed, what that looks like. Strike a pose.” Physically have them model the
kinesthetic state that they are in when they are finding themself distressed by
this situation.
Now that we have identified the situation or the symptoms clearly so that
we know exactly what it is we are working with, we want to ask clarification
questions here. “Is there anything that we are missing that we want to add to
this situation?” “Are there things you are describing in this situation that
actually aren't a part of the situation but are part of somebody else's
situation?” We could bring into this idea Stephen Covey's four quadrants, is it
urgent and unimportant? Is it not urgent but important? Is it un-urgent and
un-important. Or, is it urgent and important? Those are four quadrants from
Stephen Covey that can help us understand this situation exactly what we want
to be able to focus on or change.

Causes
Then we look at the causes. It is essential to note that these are the whys
behind the current situation, but it is done without blame, and it is done
without judgment. This is a crucial component because otherwise, many
people will get stuck in the cause. We know there is a problem. Let's look at
the causes of that problem and not try to find who is to blame or who is at
fault, or why somebody is an idiot.
When we can externalize it, we can take it out of our experiences and shift
blame. Doing this, we can spend all day long trying to solve somebody else,
but not solving ourselves. So, we are going to bring it home. And we are going
to look at our self in this situation. How is it that the client has contributed to
the causes of this situation? Yes, we know there are other people who are
probably players here as well. Things do not occur in a vacuum. There are
probably some other situations that relate to this situation, but what are the
causes? Is it my miscommunication? Is it my misinterpretation? Is it my
distortion? Is it my deletion? Is it my generalization? We can look at what the
causes are.
When I work with a client, to help them understand the causes, I take out a
piece of paper and get them to write down the five predominant causes of this
situation or the symptom that is so distressing. We do this with acceptance,
without judgment, just acknowledging that these things are there.  It is outside
of them. It is on the paper. It is something we can acknowledge, and we do
not have to become emotionally involved in the distress then.
I might even have them model this from a physiological perspective, asking
them when they are in the cause of the problem, what they look like. Model it.
It is like a game of charades and is kind of fun. By using the kinesthetic
component and asking them to step into the physiological state, they are
engaging at deep levels of awareness. This provides additional insight instead
of simply questioning things or dealing with the visualization or the auditory
aspects of things.
Outcomes
Then we move into the outcome. The outcome, in this case, is the desired
resource state, or the action that would be preferred, or the intention of the
goal.
Focus on intention rather than goals because you can activate an intention
right now, whereas a goal is something you have to anticipate acquiring in the
future. You need to brainstorm. You are in this situation, and here are some of
the causes of the situation. You can ask yourself, What desired state would I
prefer? What action would I prefer? What intention would be more
resourceful? And again, you can visualize yourself with the desired outcome,
with the desired action, with the desired intention. Hear yourself. Be that.
Imagine right now that the outcome you desire is there. What would that look
like? Model these things. And it may feel silly, but it is fun. It is interactive.
People really enjoy that modeling or that kinesthetic aspect. Have them
contrast the kinesthetic aspect of, I would be this, right now I am this. We can
bring the kinesthetic experience powerfully into this process.
Resources
 These are internal resources. Strengths resources. These are external
resources. These are things that might help me solve a problem, specific skills,
specific people. These are the resources. These are the strengths that can help
me to activate the outcome that is desired.
Effects
The effects are ideally the desired effects from making the change by
implementing the powerful resources available to us. The most valuable
resources are those that are already within us. We can bring other NLP
processes like the transderivational search into the S.C.O.R.E. model by simply
saying to our client, "Imagine the desired effect. How can you find the
resources that are within you to overcome the causes of the situation that's
been so distressing to you?”
The great thing about the S.C.O.R.E. model is that it can be something
accomplished in thirty or forty minutes with somebody conversationally in my
office, maybe with a pencil and paper in front of us to write some thoughts
out.
It can be a conversation that I have. It could be something I do with my
clients in the first session. In much of my coaching, I have said, "I'm going to
share with you a very powerful process that can help you to create change in
our very first session." When I make that promise, I am almost always using
the S.C.O.R.E. method in that very first session with them, whether it is a one-
hour, two-hour, three-hour, or a full-day coaching session. I am going to use
the S.C.O.R.E. model so that they can begin stepping into the effects, the ideal
desired state, or change or transformation that is so important to them.
Five Sessions
We can also use this in what I would call a five-session protocol, either
with individuals or groups. We take a dive deep into the S.C.O.R.E. model,
moving from where they are to where they would like to be. We do that over a
period of five sessions. The first session focuses on the situation. The second
focuses on the causes without blaming, without judgment. The third on the
outcomes, the fourth on the resources, and the fifth on the effects. When we
are done the five-week transformation, they are able to set aside the situations
and the symptoms that have been so distressing and step into lasting
transformation. I can schedule five coaching calls on each one of these
subjects. Or I can make it a weekly process or a daily process over the course
of a week for an individual. There are a lot of different ways to configure this.
It is a valuable coaching strategy to use in groups. We can teach the
S.C.O.R.E. model, and the group members look at the situations, usually
within either their educational setting or their work setting. I could have five
flip charts. I could have four flip charts with symptoms, causes, outcomes, and
resources. And I could have a fifth one that is our effects flip chart, off to the
side, away from the others. In other words, we are noting that there is a finality
or difference to it. And I can give participants in the room flip chart markers,
and I can have them map out their situations, their causes, their outcomes,
their resources, their effects on the flip charts. The desired effect and the
positive outcome being the final step. This puts them, without any effort, into
the physiology of each one of these five components of the S.C.O.R.E. model.

Appreciative Inquiry
We can do a whole giant course just on Appreciative Inquiry. Volumes of
books have been written on the subject. I like, what I would call, the reverse
S.C.O.R.E. model in Appreciative Inquiry coaching. Appreciative Inquiry is a
corporate application. I am simplifying this, but it is a corporate application or
a business application of Positive Psychology that focuses on the individual.
Rather than trying to fix what is wrong, we take more of what is right and
increase the correctness or the rightness or the joy or the happiness. Instead of
focusing on our depression, we focus on our happiness.
Appreciative Inquiry has been used by John Deere, British Airways, and
educational organizations. It is a well-researched method. Case Western
Reserve University has done a ton of research on the value of Appreciative
Inquiry and Organizational Psychology. If you do any kind of corporate work
or business consulting, you are going to want to study Appreciative Inquiry
and learn as much as you can about it.
The basic tenant or philosophy is that if we have six percent of our
customers dissatisfied, giving us one-star reviews and complaining, that means
ninety-four percent of our customers are not doing that. Most companies
focus on the problem, and the Law of Attraction says, "Focus equals fuel."
And if you stay focused on the problem, you will produce more problems.
Appreciative Inquiry does not try to figure out how we are screwing up six
percent of the time. It asks a different question. It asks the question, what are
we doing right ninety-four percent of the time? How can we do more of that?
We can use the S.C.O.R.E. model within the context of Appreciative Inquiry
or within the context of Positive Psychology in a different way. Rather than
looking at the symptom or the situation that is a problem, we could look at the
solution.
In this situation, customer satisfaction at a five-star level is eighty-two
percent. Another ten percent are four-star level happy. Another three percent
are three-star happy. And then, five percent are unacceptable with two-star or
one-star reviews. But the current situation is ninety-two percent are giving us a
high feedback rating. That is the current situation. What is the cause of it?
Rather than looking at the cause of the problem, why are those five percent
unhappy, ask why are these ninety-two percent satisfied? What is the cause
behind that? What are we doing right? Who is doing things correctly? How
can more of that be done? And so, we look at the desired outcome.
The desired outcome is to have ninety-nine percent because there is always
somebody who is going to be unhappy. Ninety-nine percent of our customers
leaving us three, four, and five-star reviews. The action we would like to take is
to improve the communication between our sales, our delivery, and our
installation teams so that we have a higher level of satisfaction.
We move from ninety-four to ninety-six to ninety-eight, and hopefully, to
ninety-nine. Our intention is to make all our customers satisfied.
Then we look at the resources. Who are the people? What are the skills
that we have as an organization? What are the internal systems that function,
that work well, in our organization? Again, we are focusing on the solution
rather than focusing on the problem. It is an entirely different way of looking
at things, but it is an essential strategy that will set your consulting apart from
other people's consulting. And then the effect, the ideal desired effect is to
open our Google or Yelp reviews and find that there is nothing but five-star
reviews. Wouldn't that be awesome? And then our customers refer their
friends and family so they can become our customers.

Positive Psychology
We can use the same S.C.O.R.E. model in a Positive Psychology model as
well.
Let's deal with physical pain. I have worked over the years with a lot of
chronic pain clients. My first job in this field was probably in 1994, and I was
doing substance abuse assessments within a chronic pain program at an
inpatient hospital facility. People came to us with chronic pain. They know that
situation. That is what they have been focusing on.
Let's look at this from a Positive Psychology perspective. “Where is your
comfort?” “How much comfort do you feel?” They have never been asked
that question before. They may respond that they only feel three percent
comfort. Let's focus on comfort rather than the ninety-seven percent pain that
is felt. They have been focusing on the pain. They have had doctors, surgeries,
psychiatrists, medication, and all kinds of things focusing on the pain. Let's
focus on comfort, the three percent of the time they are comfortable and what
that comfort is like emotionally, as well as spiritually, as well as from a physical
perspective. Let's look at the causes for the comfort.
My pain control clients have never done that before. When we ask them to
consider what it is that causes them to be more comfortable, they may respond
it is when they get some physical activity. "I don't get physical activity often,"
they might say, "because of my limitations, but I do notice that when I increase
my physical activity, I do better." So, we are looking at what? We are looking at
the why behind the situation that increases what is right with them—the
comfort.
Then we can look at the outcome. The desired outcome here is they would
like to be comfortable at a level twenty, or forty, or eighty. They would like to
be comfortable when they have to stand and work all day. They would like to
be comfortable when they sleep. They would like to be comfortable following
the next surgery that is scheduled. Whatever the issue is for them, discover the
desired emotional state, physical state, spiritual state, metaphysical state that
they want so you can help them to define the desired outcome from a positive
perspective.
Then we are going to look at the resources. What resources do you have?
Do you have a massage chair at home? Do you have a prescription that you
have found to be beneficial to you? Do you have access to high-quality health
insurance that gives you preventative programs in addition to acute treatment
care?
Every situation has a different set of resources, and you would be surprised
how often people are leaving money on the table or, in other words, untapped
resources until we guide them through this process. And it can make all the
difference in the world to the final effect, the ideal desired outcome. And I
might have my pain control client show me the situation where they feel
comfortable three percent of the time. Again, act this out. Ask them to
physically show you. “What does it look like when you increased your physical
activity? And you know it is probably going to make a difference in the way
you feel. Show me what that looks like.”  And I tap into the kinesthetic aspect
of the S.C.O.R.E. model using a Positive Psychology or Appreciative Inquiry
approach.
 Chapter 26
The YES! Set

The YES! Set is one of the most useful NLP patterns or language patterns we
can possibly use. It is applicable in coaching, therapy, and sales. It can also help
you motivate your family members to clean the house and assist you in yard
work. It is simply a fantastic strategy.
The idea here is to create alignment with other people so that their desires
are congruent with what it is that we would like to suggest. This is also a
handy tool in hypnosis.
We are looking for the opportunity to have somebody create agreement
with us. This increases rapport, the desire to work together and provide
cooperation, and the likelihood of acting on suggestions that we have made.
You have probably heard the universal Law of Attraction, “Like attracts
like.” We can say that the universal law in NLP is “Agreement creates
agreement.”
I am going to help you to utilize the Yes Set in several ways.
The fundamental principle is that when you can get somebody to agree
with you, when you can get them to say yes, it is easier then to get the next yes
from them. You can see how this could be truly useful in sales.
Let me give you a couple of examples here.
I am going to ask you some questions, and you can respond as you read
this book:

“So far, have you enjoyed the NLP learnings?” “Yes.”

“Have you applied anything from this NLP training to either your life
or the work you do with your clients?” “Yes.”
“Have you discovered how truly useful these strategies can be?”
“Yes.”
 “Let me ask you another question. Would you like to commit to a
year-long master class with me? The investment is only $2500 a
month. Would you like to do that?” “Yes.”
You can see how this can be used as a sales tool. It can be used as a tool
for persuasion. It can be a tool for overcoming disagreement.
Now to a therapeutic example: I might have a client who struggled with
anxiety for a long time. The idea here is that the first “Yes” that we're trying to
elicit is an easy “Yes” for them to give. It gets easier for them to give yeses as
we go into harder questions.
“Let me ask you a question. You've held onto this anxiety for a long time
now, haven't you?”
“Oh, yes. Yes, I have.”
“I've taught you a strategy. It was the 3-2-1 strategy for managing anxiety.
Did you try that?”
“Yes.”
“Did you find that was helpful to you?”
“Well, yes.”
“Next time you experience anxiety, do you think that this would be a
strategy that could help you to stop your panic?”
“Yes.”
“Let me ask you one more question. Are you ready to give up the anxiety
you've held onto for years and start stepping into confidence and comfort?”
“Yes.”
I have always said that therapy is about the art of the close, being able to
close the deal. If we are selling the idea that a depressed person could be
happy or that an anxious person could be calm, they must buy it. This
language pattern truly is a closing strategy.

The YES! Set is mapped out below:

 For our desired agreement. What is it that we want alignment with? What
do we want agreement with? What do we want them to say “Yes” to?
We create questions that elicit a “Yes.” The easiest question, a more
difficult question, a more complex question, maybe even four questions. The
result is that we get alignment and agreement.
The reason why we get this alignment and agreement is that persuasion
comes from three things occurring in this Yes Set.

First, a pattern. Our minds are wired to love patterns. We act in the future
the way we acted in the past. The easiest way to get somebody to do
something healthy is to have something healthy that they did in the past. It is a
lot easier to help them discover what they have been doing right rather than
try to equip them with new strategies and new skills because we like patterns.
We like things that we have done before.
This YES! Set also presupposes and creates a presumption on the part of
the individual that they want to be in agreement with us. And it is human
nature to desire to please other people. It makes us happier to give a yes
answer than it does to give a no answer. The pattern, the presumption, and the
pleasing equal the persuasion that comes from this YES! Set.
We can expand this YES! Set by using one more formula. Rather than
asking questions, we can use what is called a chained YES! Set. The language
pattern here is it begins with “We have” or “We've,” and then it goes “and . . .
,” “and . . . ,” “and . . . ,” “so [conclusion].” This is the formula for the chained
YES! Set, and it is a pretty cool strategy.
Let me give you an example of this. You spent time reading this book
learning NLP. Now you do not have to say yes. It is a transderivational search.
You are considering whether you agree with me. You are asking yourself, Have
I spent time learning NLP? You are going to say yes. And we have discovered a
lot of new strategies, and you have applied those in your own life, and you've
learned how that could benefit other people. The next step would be to take
an advanced practitioner course. Wouldn't that be good for you? And you will
likely respond in the affirmative, “Well, yes.”
Let’s go through this again.
“We've spent time learning new strategies for managing anxiety, and you've
taken it to the next level. You've used the 3-2-1 strategy in a number of
different situations, and the result has been your panic attacks have ceased, and
it feels good, doesn't it? And so, at this point, you are ready to give up the
anxiety that you hold on to and step into calm and comfort and confidence.”
This is a chained YES! Set. This is a language pattern that I find extremely
effective. We could use this in sales.
“We've just gone on a demo ride with three different cars, and you said that
the X3 was the best size for the parking lot that you like to park your car in,
and you really liked the white with the basketball-colored interior, and you said
to me that having a car that had a high level of horsepower was important, but
that you wanted to balance that with the price, and so it seems clear to me you
would probably prefer to drive the X3 and neither the X1 or the X5. If we can
get the numbers right today, would you like to park it in your garage tonight
and drive to work tomorrow in your brand-new car?” “Yes.”
This is how the YES! Set works. It is a remarkable strategy, one that you
can use in just about any situation. We can do this with kids. I want them to
clean their room. “Hey, kids, you like ice cream, don't you?” “Yes.” “Do you
remember last time you spent the afternoon cleaning the room how wonderful
it looked?” “Yes.” “I bet you kids would like some ice cream today, wouldn't
you?” “Yes.” “Do you know of a strategy that could help you get that ice
cream today?” “Yes. Clean the room.”
We can use this in a number of different ways. It is a phenomenal strategy
in corporate coaching, sales, and leadership development. This is a fantastic set
of strategies, whether we use questioning or whether we use a chained
approach with one yes affirmation at the end. The YES! Set is a strategy every
one of us can take to the bank.
Limiting Beliefs
We have beliefs about ourselves, beliefs about our situation, beliefs about
our future. And these beliefs often limit us. For example, a person might
believe that because they never graduated from college, that means they are
not going to be able to make a lot of money. Or a person might believe they
have been divorced a couple of times, and that means they are not going to be
able to have a healthy relationship. Or maybe a person believes they are not
very smart, and that means they are not going to be able to do a lot of things.
People are often limited in their beliefs. They might believe that they have
risen high on the corporate ladder, and they are lucky and cannot rise any
further. The reality is no matter what you believe to be true is true for you. We
are held back by the beliefs we hold that limit us.
In NLP, particularly in NLP coaching, we try to break through these
limiting beliefs and create unlimiting beliefs. This is a compelling strategy that
needs to be at the center of much of the coaching work we do.
I will always be listening to what my client says about themself, their
situation, and their future. And when I hear beliefs that they have imposed
limits on, I am going to address those and call those out. I am going to ask
them how they know that is true and to consider that something else might be
true. Have they sought options to get around these limits to the beliefs that
they hold? In coaching and NLP, overcoming limiting beliefs is essential.
In 1994, I was driving a 1980s Mercury Monarch, and as I was going
through West Texas, all the FM radio stations disappeared. This was before
satellite radio, so I flipped over to the AM dial. There was not much to listen
to other than radio preachers. One preacher came on, and with conviction, he
said, “What the mind attends to, it considers, and what it considers it
eventually acts upon.” That quote has resonated with me since then. I think it
is a fundamental axiom that directly relates to NLP. It relates to the Law of
Attraction. “Where the mind goes is where our energy flows.” The reality is
the thoughts we have determine the actions that we take and, often, the
outcomes of those actions.
Let us look at a basic formula:
Belief + Actions = Outcome
This is the belief I have about myself, my situation, or the future.
The actions that I take based on that belief will equal the outcome or,
essentially, my destiny in life. If I have self-doubt and limiting beliefs, I am
going to take action congruent with those, and the outcome will be achieving
less than my greatest level of potential.
Would you like to rise to your highest level of potential? Then it is
important for you to identify the cognitive errors or misbeliefs you have about
yourself, your situation, and the future. Often, we create limiting beliefs on a
very small scale and, as we create the habit of limiting beliefs, they become
bigger.
For example, I might start with a limiting belief about myself, like I didn’t
have the breakfast that I wanted today. I did not go to the store and buy bagels and cream
cheese. I’m such an idiot. My belief about myself is I am an idiot. That goes on
because one belief leads to another belief about my situation. Now I am going to
work hungry, and to work hungry is awful. I’m going to be grumpy all day because I haven’t
eaten. If I believe something to be true, guess what? It is true!
Then I might move toward the future and think, Gosh, I always screw things
up. I cannot even get a grocery list correct. My future sucks. And if you believe that
about yourself, the reality is the future will suck.
 A bunch of these little examples builds upon each other, creating a pattern
of limiting beliefs so we might get to a big misbelief about ourselves. The
misbelief is, I screw everything up. The belief about the situation is, Because I screw
everything up, I shouldn’t even attempt . . .   And the belief about the future is, Since I
haven’t even attempted to make a change, my life is over. In its extreme, these
misbeliefs or these cognitive errors, I call stinking thinking, can lead to despair,
depression, and self-destructive actions based on those beliefs.
It is really important that we overcome our limiting beliefs.

FAT = Feeling + Action + Think

 Whenever we have Action + Feeling (AF), it becomes a cue for the action
we take based on that emotion. Then we often Think about this. This is how
we react to limiting beliefs. It is a process of being too FAT—every time we
feel, we act before we think.
Healthy people reverse that firing order. They reverse the firing order so
that when they have a feeling, a sensation, an awareness, or an emotion, they
will have a Feeling + Think (FT) before they have an Action (A). And they
take an action that reintroduces positive feelings and emotions.
How do we change this firing order? We change it by recognizing our
cognitive errors. This is why people go to coaches to help them see their
experiences, life, and beliefs from a new vantage point. It is perfectly okay in
the coaching process to call out misbeliefs, cognitive errors, stinking thinking,
and limiting beliefs.
Our clients can also learn about their limiting beliefs by reading and
hearing stories about other people. Alcoholics Anonymous: The Big Book has only
one hundred and sixty-four pages explaining the 12-step program but over
three hundred pages of stories. It is those stories that resonate with many
people because they see themself in the stories that are described. And before
they relapse, they can realize that they too are on that same path or that same
trajectory.
There are many other ways to help clients to recognize their cognitive
errors. One thing we can do is have our client reflect. I love switching chairs
with the clients, and I play their role while they play the role of me. And they
interview me about my beliefs and the things that I hold to be true. That is a
very powerful technique that is often a lot of fun.
We can confront. We can reeducate. We can follow things through to their
logical extreme, asking questions like, “If you believe [this], what will happen if
[this] happens? Well, if [this] happens, what will you believe about [that]? Ask
until they recognize that their starting point, their limiting belief, is something
they have a new perspective on.
Aaron Beck, back in the mid-1970s, wrote about cognitive errors. He wrote
about fifteen types of cognitive errors that are most common in people. These
are the things that I am listening for. These are the things I am confronting,
reeducating, roleplaying with my clients, and helping them to free themselves
from the limits of their beliefs.
 Below are the fifteen cognitive errors that Aaron Beck identified:

1. Filtering
This is where we take in all the negative details of an experience and miss all
the positive details. You have seen people in a situation experience it only from
a perspective where the negative has been retained, and the positive has been
let go.

2. Polarized Thinking
This is a mind trap we can find ourselves in where things are either black or
white. I’m either rich or I’m poor. I’m either happy or I’m depressed. The
reality is we can be more than one thing at any given time, but black or white
thinking or polarized thinking can often stop us from achieving our greatest
level of potential.

3. Overgeneralization
This is a cognitive distortion where a person comes to a grand conclusion
based on one aspect of a situation. For example, “I got a flat tire today.
Because I got a flat tire today, my car is crap. And because my car is crap and I
cannot afford another car, I’m going to have to quit my job.” They have
overgeneralized one small thing and turned a molehill into a mountain.

4. Jumping to Conclusions
This is where a person says to themself, Because of [this], [this] must be true. For
example, a businessperson might jump to the conclusion, “Well, we had a
negative quarter. That means our business is on a downward trend. We’re on a
down cycle.”

5. Catastrophizing
An example is, “If the business is on a down cycle, that means we’ll be out of
business soon. We ought to jump ship now.”

6. Personalization
This is another cognitive distortion that people often have. Somebody
experiences something, and they believe that it is all about them. It must be
because of them. It rained today, so that must mean that the gods are unhappy with me.
 7. Control Fallacies
This distortion involves two different levels of belief. First, a person feeling
extremely controlled, and then, a person feeling as if they do not have an
internal locus of control, that others are the ones who create the experiences
for them. I see this often in relationship counseling. “He makes me so mad.”
Well, he may do jerk things, but I still have the same pants to get glad in that I
have to get mad in.

8. Fallacy of Fairness
I see this a lot in political discussions. People believe that the world should be
fair. Years ago, I was driving with my family, and I stopped and bought a pack
of Zingers cakes. There are four cakes in a pack. When I got back into the car,
I quickly ate two and my daughter, who was sitting next to me, said, “Can I
have one?” I handed her one, and she quickly ate that. I started eating the last
one, and she asked for another bite, so I gave the rest of it to her. It was at that
moment that my son, sitting in the back seat, realized we were eating Zingers,
and he said,  “Hey, can I have a Zinger?” I said, “No, they’re all gone.” And he
asked, “Why did Rachel get one?” And I said, “Because she’s in the front.”
And he said, “That’s not fair.” And I said, “What you really mean is that’s not
equal. It is fair. They’re my Zingers, and I can choose who to give them to.”
People often believe things should be fair, and the reality is the world is often
an unfair place.

9. Blaming
People engage in blaming. They do not see their responsibility in a situation.

10. Shoulds
Albert Ellis used to say you should never “should” on your clients; clients
should on themselves. This is where people use the word should to exacerbate
the deficits and the failures they have.

11. Emotional Reasoning

These can be summarized like this. If I feel this way, it must be true. I have spent a
lot of time in therapy sessions explaining to people that feelings simply are not
facts.
 12. Fallacy of Change
This is where a person expects that other people will change in response to
their wants, their needs, or their desires. Sometimes people do, but because the
world is not a fair place and many people are narcissistic and self-absorbed, the
reality is the only one we can change is ourselves. We should not be
disappointed when people do not join us in creating success.

13. Global Labeling

This is a technique called mislabeling, where a person generalizes two qualities
into a giant global judgment about themself or another person or another
situation. In other words, because a person is slow, or the person is not so
verbal, or they don’t have any redeeming qualities, they can’t function in the
workplace.

14. Always Being Right

The reality is, I’m right about what I’m right about, and I’m wrong about what
I’m wrong about. When we see our own opinions as facts about life, the
feelings wants, and needs of others are often overlooked. This distortion is
almost always rooted in self-preservation rather than seeing opportunity on
either side of the door.

15. Heaven’s Reward Fallacy

This is where a person believes that because they have sacrificed, because they
have been denied, then they are entitled to some magical outcome that will
make all their problems in the world go away. The reality is sometimes
sacrificing is the best thing to do even without a heavenly reward.
I think it is worth studying cognitive-behavioral psychology and the ideas of
cognitive distortions related to how clients express their limiting beliefs.
Anything they believe to be true, they will act on. It is up to us to find the
formula in coaching to challenge, re-coach, reteach and mentor the clients we
are working with, so they can transcend their limiting beliefs and step into
unlimited abundance.
 Chapter 27
The Awareness Wheel

Let us go back to the beginning of NLP to the late 1960s early 1970s and look
at some classic books written in the field like The Structure of Magic and The
Structure of Magic II by Richard Bandler and John Grinder, and Changing with
Families by Virginia Satir, Richard Bandler, and John Grinder. At the same time
those books were being written, another book was being written called Couple
Communication 1: Talking and Listening Together by Sherod Miller, Phyllis Miller,
Elam W.  Nunnally, and Daniel B. Wackman. Couple Communication came about
as an evidence-based approach to working with couples.
During the foundations of NLP, Richard Bandler and John Grinder
studied Virginia Satir. As far as I know, they were unaware of Miller et al.’s
work. But these coexisted at the same time.
Neuro-linguistic programming courses are not typically taught with the
Awareness Wheel and many other concepts that I cover in this book. But it is
interesting that the parallel ideas of strategies that truly work with couples were
born at about the same time. When I look at the model offered by Miller et al.,
I find many things that integrate well with NLP. If they had preceded their
work, they probably would have also become exemplars for NLP and NLP
training programs.
The history of psychotherapy is fascinating. In the 1940s and 1950s, we
had behavioralism, and through the 1960s, we had the Rogerian and insight-
oriented approaches. By the late 1960s and the early 1970s, we had two
branches. The Cognitive Behavioral approaches, those of Albert Ellis, and
what I think is the more experiential therapy, Gestalt therapy, first developed
in the 1940s and 1950s. Fritz Perls was one of the exemplars that Bandler and
Grinder studied in the early days. The ideas of Couple Communication are also
very experiential.
The basic foundation of couple communication is creating enhanced
awareness, seeing a problem, not as a problem, but seeing the problem
experientially.
 In the center of the Awareness Wheel is the issue. In the textbook Couple
Communication, you will see some illustrations. These illustrations always strike
me as being very NLP-ish. In one, you can see a couple literally standing on a
model for listening. In an earlier chapter of this book, where the idea of the
Awareness Wheel is introduced, they are standing on a representation of this
Awareness Wheel.
Think about NLP and the Circle of Excellence, where we put that circle on
the floor in front of us, and we step into it. The authors are telling us to
envision ourselves in communication with other people, standing on this
Awareness Wheel, making sure that we cover each component to have the
presupposition of NLP. The message received is that message which was
intended by the recipient.
 At the center of the Awareness Wheel, the issue could be any issue that a
couple wants to explore. Virginia Satir at the Family Therapy Institute of
California and the authors of Couple Communication were speaking in the
context of couple therapy.
As a licensed marriage and family therapist, I am very accustomed to
speaking about couples and therapy. But the principles and ideas here apply to
any couple, whether it is a couple in psychotherapy trying to resolve a problem,
a leadership team in a corporate setting, two executives within the C-suite (for
example, the CFO and the CEO, working out their relationship and how that
is going to create strength within the family of the company),    or board
members. For any couple, we can be teaching couple communication strategies.
We could also be talking about anything related to community
development. How does one person in the community relate and
communicate and listen to other parts of the community? The idea of couple
communication is expressed in this book in the context of couple’s counseling.
Psychotherapy usually takes a problem-oriented approach. Let's look at the
issues.
“I'm not getting enough support from my spouse in regard to taking care
of the dogs.” That would be an example of an issue that might arise in conflict
couple’s counseling.
But the issue does not have to be an issue that is negative. The issue could
be something positive. The issue could be, “We just sold our business as a
couple and put $17 million in the bank. What is the best way for us to utilize
this wealth so that we can create an impact in our community, so that we can
now, finally, after spending thirty years of building a business together, enjoy
the time that we have left together in a meaningful way? How is it that we can
take the wealth and assist our family without destroying our family?” There are
lots of issues that could be present here. It does not have to be conflict.
For example, in the corporate setting, the issue might be, “We wildly
exceeded our sales expectation with our new product launch. As a company in
the early stages, we now have no debt and money in the bank. How do we
leverage this so that we can reward the investors and serve the clients?” Again,
this model applies itself in several different contexts.
If I was working with somebody in peak performance coaching, a person
who was already doing well in most measures of life, and was trying to rise to
the highest level, the issue might be, “How can I, at this stage, generate greater
levels of insight and awareness so that I can be physically, emotionally, socially,
and spiritually, as well as I can possibly be functioning at peak performance?”
The applications here go far beyond Bob and Bertha fighting too much.
The issue is in the center. Whatever the issue is.
Incoming
Anytime we have an issue, we have incoming sensorial awareness, our five
senses—auditory, visual, kinesthetic, olfactory, and gustatory. We can put these
incoming experiences in the context of NLP. Through our filters, they are
deleted, generalized, or distorted. Our filters are of previous experiences,
expectations, projection, and self-need. We have these incoming sensorial
experiences but recognize something. In the NLP communication model, we
find that deletions, generalizations, and distortions are always at work.
The first phase of this Awareness Wheel is the sensorial experience. What
is it? What are the kinesthetic experiences? What are the submodalities that
describe these sensorial experiences? When we are coaching somebody, we
want to work with them to understand the sensory input in the experiences of
the world around them.
In the example of “I don't get the support I need,” the smell might be,
“The house smells bad like a wet dog.” The visual experience could be
unkempt dogs, “I see dogs walking in my neighborhood that are brushed, and
my dogs aren't brushed, and I don't have time. I need support for this.” The
auditory could be hearing words that have meaning, such as, “I don't have
time. You do it.”
All these sensorial experiences and inputs relate to an issue, and these
create thoughts. Thoughts are a collection of opinions, judgments, ideas,
generalizations, distortions, and deletions because our thoughts are almost
never four-dimensional. Our thoughts are almost always expressed internally
as two-dimensional. They are seen as something rather than from a holistic
perspective.
The Awareness Wheel puts this thinking into context with our feelings.
Are you mad, glad, sad, scared? Are you excited, exuberant, euphoric? Am I
excited, euphoric, exuberant? What emotions accompany these thoughts? Is it
anger? Is it joy? It could be any of these emotions coupled with the wants
here. Wants are our desires. They are the things that we intend. They are our
intentions. They are the needs that we have. This is where assertive
communication comes into play.
Something else that is not taught as NLP is the formula sentence for
assertive communication,  “I feel . . . , want . . . , or need . . .” But this is a very
clear way of communicating. If we want to model excellence in
communication, modeling assertive communication is certainly a tool that
lends itself to effective coaching, influence, helping people make change, and
reaching peak states of excellence.
We want to have a person who is presenting with an issue to also explore
what it is that they truly want. “I just want you to help me in the morning for
ten minutes with the dogs.” There is an example of a want. This relates to the
fifth element of the Awareness Wheel, which is doing or action. These are the
words because words can start a war. Words can end a relationship. Words can
start a relationship.
Words can sometimes be considered actions. These are the words that
people use, and these are the actions that they take. For example, “I'm washing
the dog” or “I'm walking the dog.” These are the yin actions that we take. The
person might choose to act in a passive-aggressive manner. For example, “I'm
not going to walk the dog,” or “I'm not going to take the dog outside.”
Our body language is a huge filter. It is a considerable way of
communicating. We have discussed this already in this book. We want to
evaluate.

Outgoing
We have the outgoing result. Notice it is not just a message. It is the result
because it comprises all of these things. It comprises our senses, thinking,
feeling, wanting, and doing. Then we have a set of experiences or responses
that are outgoing because of being attentive to the Awareness Wheel.
What we have is a real tool for us as coaches, working with clients so that
we can put ourselves in the center of the Awareness Wheel.
The issue is doing a coaching session where I'm going to be helping
somebody today, and I have to evaluate my incoming sensorial experiences, my
thoughts about the process, my feelings, wants, actions, and what the
outcomes are. My client comes to me with an issue. The issue could be
anything. It could be complex. It could be simple. They are going to be going
through this exact same process.
But what the writers of Couple Communication tell us to do is very NLP. It is
literally to take this image of the Awareness Wheel, place it on the floor in
front of us, stand in the center of it, and before we create an action, before we
make a response, evaluate each segment of it.
One of the elements of this that is really important is, at times, when we
help a person to understand all five aspects of the Awareness Wheel, they
might not express very much emotion. They might not be able to identify their
wants or be paralyzed by inaction, which is actually action. Notice on the
wheel there are five equal areas representing healthy experience, understanding
the senses, the thinking, the feeling, the wants, and the dos of any particular
issue. Since it is called the Awareness Wheel , I call it a flat tire, when a person
is in one way or another stifled in their emotional awareness, or they have
perhaps black and white or rigid thinking and their thought process is limited
regarding seeing the issue as it truly is in relation to these other things; the
Awareness Wheel lacks awareness in one of these areas. In the textbook, it is
illustrated with a smaller slice of the pie. In the Awareness Wheel, the result is
a flat tire because the circle is no longer round.
In the book Couple Communication , they are advocating the couple to
literally stand on this circle, map these things out, and then communicate and
explain and share with each other. This is again a couple’s activity. What is
interesting is I have been aware of the Awareness Wheel for going on probably
forty years as my mother and stepfather had the book. Early on in my
counselor education training, the Awareness Wheel resonated with me. I began
again to study it when I was in graduate school, working in marriage and
family therapy.
The ideas of couple’s communication that are expressed in this book have
been the basis of doctoral dissertations, academic research, and
communication. It is an evidence-based approach to helping teams, couples,
individuals generating self-awareness and insight-oriented coaching, and
businesses to reach a higher level of performance by creating a higher level of
awareness using the Awareness Wheel as a map.
In NLP, we take it, put it on the floor, we step onto it. We experience all
these things from a holistic or 360-degree perspective. Then we can have
outgoing messages that are congruent with the ecology check from NLP,
congruent with the communication model of NLP, where we understand
generalizations, deletions, distortions, and primary representational systems
and how they affect us on a holistic basis. We are able to see the bigger picture.
The fascinating thing about the couple communication model, though, is
that it is multifaceted. If I have somebody sharing the insight that they have
gained by going through the awareness model surrounding any issue, I can
then receive their messages and their outgoing as their partner.

Listening
I can do it with a listening model, a feedback model. The little arrows
represent feedback loops. There is no order to this because we could be in any
one of these models at any given time.
According to academic researchers, the steps of successful listening are
first attending and being present with somebody. In NLP, we call this rapport.
It could be body language. Gerard Egan told us that the therapist has
S.O.L.E.R., S it down, O pen body posture, L ean forward, make E ye contact,
and R elax. This is a therapeutic posture. Why? Because it lends itself
nonverbally to listening and communicating the message that I am here with you
. The person who is receiving the message, whether it is a therapist or their
partner or their coworker, is going to attend first and acknowledge.
Acknowledge the issues, the feelings, the emotions, the wants, the needs.
The listener is also going to create both nonverbal and verbal invitations.
These are invitations to share more, to go deeper. The Socratic method of
questioning is an effective way of doing this in a very non-threatening way that
can truly help people to share more so we can listen more. This is what active
listening is all about.
As a listener, I am going to be summarizing the things that I hear,
reflecting, and repeating back what I heard a person say. The reason we do this
is for clarification. I might say something like this, "I've been listening to what
you just said. It’s very interesting. I'm interested in clarifying, though, does this
apply in all situations or only with caring for the dog?" I am summarizing
through questioning. “What I heard you say was you're really angry right now.”
That is a way of summarizing, of acknowledging.
Then, ask questions. All five of these areas of active listening are closely
related, but they create a feedback loop for listening. In the book, they express
this very NLP-ish. And the way they express this is by drawing this listening
strategy schematic diagram on the floor. The listener steps into it and, like a
hopscotch board, steps into each one of the segments of the Awareness Wheel
as they go through the task of listening. This is done while the person who is
sharing their awareness is standing on the Awareness Wheel.
We have these two components, and this is powerful. It's a valuable skill
and strategy to teach people. If you deliver seminars or leadership training
events or other work with groups, you could break up the participants into
smaller groups where one person is on the Awareness Wheel, and one is on
the listening schematic. You can use the big paper flip charts and have them
draw their Awareness Wheel and literally put that on the floor and put the
listening schematic on the floor as well.
Miller et al. tell us something else. They also talk about types of
communication and using the right communication in the right setting or
situation.

The first is what is called small talk. This is, in NLP, really what we
call rapport, so it is the same idea. Remember, in the history of these,
NLP and Couple Communication paralleled each other. At no point have
they really met. I have never heard anybody talk about couple
communication in an NLP class. Yet, the reality is, they mesh together
very well. In NLP, we talk about rapport. In couple communication,
we are talking about small talk. Small talk must precede deep talk to
create rapport, or people will not be willing to share each element of
their Awareness Wheel. And they will be reluctant to go through the
process of active listening that is reflective of listening that truly
engages.
“How are you today?” “Tell me, what did you accomplish this week?”
Small talk. “I see you have a picture of a dog there. I have a dog also.”
These are nonthreatening, short communications that create a back-
and-forth interaction with a person. Now it could be words.
Rapport also could be matching and mirroring (back to NLP), where
I am modeling or matching and mirroring my client's breath rate, their
body movements, their body posture. I am becoming in sync, moving
with them linguistically as well as nonverbally. Small talk, if we do it
long enough, leads to search talk.
 Search talk is where we explore. It is Socratic questions, where we are
asking a person to look inside of themself and retrieve the answers
and the knowledge and the things that are useful to them.
We also have straight talk, a type of communication where we have
active listening, as well as clear communication.
Then we have control talk, which is generally viewed in couples
counseling as non-resourceful. This is often considered to be reactive
listening. This is where a person explodes. Or this is where a person
shuts off the communication of others. They are doing this to control
a scenario or situation. In the context of crisis management work,
control talk might be necessary. “You go there. Come here. Bring this
here.” There is a place for this type of control talk. As a parent, there
may be a need for control talk. Control talk is not necessarily always
bad. But in the context of working with couples, teams, in leadership
development, or in coaching, we generally want to avoid reactive
listening and control talk, preferring instead to remain in attentive
listening, straight talk, or search talk, where we are exploring deeper.
All these ideas useful ideas that we can set on top of the concepts of NLP
to be effective communicators, effective listeners, and effective life coaches.
 Chapter 28
Active Listening

The following skills are hallmarks of active listening. This is a central key to
understanding people and creating influence.

Know the Reason for Engagement

 The first thing is to really know the reason why we are communicating
with somebody. One of the ways to enhance the quality of your own life is to
only enter into communications that are important or have value or may, later
on, produce some results or satisfy curiosity.
I talk with strangers, the drive-through attendants, people in public places,
and it satisfies a curiosity I have about other people. It does not have to be a
deep, lasting relationship in order to enter into communication with
somebody.
Know the reason why we are communicating. Are we wishing to share a
gift of joy with somebody? Are we hoping to receive affirmation in return? I
think all listening begins with understanding. Why am I listening to this
person?
Make Appropriate Eye Contact
Eye contact is important. Not the kind of eye contact that penetrates and
pierces a person's soul and makes them uncomfortable but the type of eye
contact that lets somebody know, “Hey, I'm attending to you. I am here with
you. I'm listening to you.” Eye contact communicates to the listener that you
are fully present.

Pause to Think Before Responding

One of the skills of effective active listening is to pause. I had an
interesting experience five years ago when I first met my wife. I did not speak
any Chinese, and she did not speak any English. I had just had multiple throat
surgeries, so I could not even speak. Now we are at a point where we can
communicate clearly about everything. But early on, we would communicate
with a translator.
In any relationship, you sometimes have difficulty agreeing on things or
understanding ideas. This is where, in my relationship, trust was built; we had
to trust because we could not communicate as clearly as other couples could.
When we found ourselves in disagreement, we would use the voice translator.
She would say, "Richard, I am mad at you. You are a jerk." Then she would
have to hand it to me, and I would have to read it. Then I would have to look
at the translator and translate, "You are not understanding my perspective on
this." Then it would translate it. I would hand it to her, and she would read it.
 I attribute this to the strength of our relationship, and the reason why is it
is really the first relationship I have ever had where we were forced to literally
take turns listening to each other. We were forced to pause before responding
in order to translate our messages back and forth. We do not have to do that
anymore.
The skill of pausing after hearing is an important active listening skill. It
helps people feel validated when they are speaking and helps us clarify how we
are going to respond before we make a response.

Lean into the Conversation (S.O.L.E.R.)

S it down, O pen body posture, L ean forward, make E ye contact, and R
elax. That acronym really goes a long way in helping us internally ask ourselves
, Am I not only giving words that say I'm communicating to you but am I communicating
this nonverbally as well?

Be Interested in the Other Person

It is also important to express interest in the other person. When we are
listening, be genuinely interested in people. I have a massive curiosity about
people. It is easy for me to genuinely be curious and interested in them. But
for other people, this is a skill that they have to practice. It is okay to have to
practice this skill in order to feel like you are truly interested in other people.
Speak Your Words
Speak your words clearly when listening so that the person who is speaking
can respond to your questions, your clarifications, your affirmations, and your
ego strengthening.
Wait for Response
Wait for a response when you speak because it is their turn to speak.
Remember, this is listening.
Use Search Talk to Encourage Expression
In couple’s communication, we are going to use search talk to really
explore ideas. Search talk asks questions, probes feelings, and gets to know
someone at a deeper level. This is where we can facilitate rapport (essential in
NLP) and produce influence and change by coming alongside someone as a
coach or mentor to help them at the deepest levels. This is the level where we
brainstorm ideas with someone, allow them to hear themself reflected back by
our words, and engage in deeper levels of questioning. It is the perfect place
for the Socratic questions we studied in another chapter.

Validate Emotions
A big part of my job as a therapist is simply letting people know that it is
okay to have human emotions even if those human emotions are distressing or
difficult.
Pay Attention to Tone, Body Language, and Other Factors
Pay attention and listen not only to words but listen to the body language,
listen to the tone, listen to the way that messages are shared from a nonverbal
perspective.
Clarify Message You Have Received
It is important when listening to clarify the messages. That’s back to
summarizing, which is all about clarity. “So, what you've told me is this . . .” It
will help in acknowledging whether I have received the message correctly.

Use Brief Affirmations or Ego Strengthening to Encourage

More Dialog
It is okay and important to use ego strengthening or affirmations to not
only validate but to encourage more sharing. We are going to let people know.
“You've done a great job sharing that with me.” “I know that it was difficult
for you.” “Do you feel comfortable sharing more, or is there anything else
you'd like to add to my understanding?” These are invitations to have a person
continue sharing, and they will.
Smile
Smiling is important as well. I have had people tell me I do not smile
enough. Over the years, I have practiced smiling. Smiles communicate
nonverbally something important, affirming caring, and listening. When I find
myself intently curious and listening to somebody, I will intentionally also
smile a little bit.
Match and Mirror
 Matching and mirroring is an NLP strategy. If they are sharing, I am
listening. When I am doing the opposite, this is mirroring. If they are leaning
forward and I am leaning forward, this is matching, doing the same thing. If
they have an open body posture, I have an open body posture. If they are
sharing with quick words, I might speak quickly as well.
Avoid Attaching Judgment or Relational Frames
I also want to, in my active listening, avoid judgment and relational frames.
People are the way they are because of their experiences. They bring those
subconsciously to every experience. I must listen, even if it is not words I
enjoy hearing or like hearing. I must understand it from my client's frame of
reference, or my partner's frame of reference, or the stranger's frame of
reference, rather than from my frame of reference. This helps me to be able to
cross boundaries in my communication and my listening skills.
As you are listening to people, review this list in your mind and practice
introducing these ideas into the skills you already have for active listening.
When you do, you will find that you will do an even better job of helping
people become fully aware of the world around them and the ideas and
solutions that you are offering them as a life coach.
 Chapter 29
Intentions and Goals

S.M.A.R.T. You have probably heard about S.M.A.R.T. goals. S pecific and M
easurable goals that are A ttainable, R elevant, and have a T ime limit. We are
often taught about S.M.A.R.T. goal setting, which in coaching and NLP is
often seen as the pathway to creating the highest level of success.
I am a fan of goal setting. Research shows that setting goals is a pathway to
achieving more. It is true that when we set goals, we are more likely to achieve
those goals than if we do not set those goals.
S.M.A.R.T. goal setting might not be the smartest way to achieve success.
What I am about to share is quite controversial.
While I am in favor of setting goals and I do work with my clients to help
them set goals, I focus on the objectives, the things they need to do to get
there. That is really the pathway for creating success, but there is something
even more foundational and more critical than simply setting goals. That is
setting intentions.
Intention setting is the key to success . There is research showing this as
well. In fact, there's research that shows that goal setting can sometimes be
problematic. It is not the panacea everybody thinks that it always is. For
example, our natural psychological inclination when we set a goal and get
toward that goal, but we have not yet reached that goal, is to revise the goal
downward.
Let's put this in the context of sales. If the goal is to sell one unit a day,
thirty units a month, and we get near the end of the month, and we have only
sold twenty-one units, but there are only two days left, our natural inclination
is to say, "Well, I took three days off for an event,” or “We had bad weather
five days during the month, and that probably decreased sales. So, let's go
ahead and revise the goal and make the goal twenty-four." The reason why we
do this is because we just cannot stand the cognitive dissonance of not being
able to reach our goals. New goals are often set on previous goals, and it can
become a downward spiral into mediocrity.
 Some of you might remember the case of Sears and their automobile
shops setting corporate goals related to the number of auto repairs and the
ticket price.    Wells Fargo set corporate goals regarding the number of new
accounts that would be set up. What was discovered was that while those
companies were able to reach their goals and hit their targets, they did so at
the expense of both customer experience and consumer protection laws in
some cases. They spent a lot of time issuing mea culpa and swallowing their
pride.
I am a Wells Fargo customer. For the two years following the incident,
when account holders had no idea accounts had been set up on their behalf,
Wells Fargo contacted me multiple times to assure me they were a good bank.
I probably received ten emails from Wells Fargo apologizing profusely and
offering other products and services.
Goal setting can sometimes be filled with problems. There is a natural
inclination to revise downward, sometimes at the expense of professional
ethics. And goal setting can also become extremely frustrating because it is
focusing on the future.
I live by the words of the great Master Oogway, who said, "Yesterday is
history. Tomorrow is a mystery. And today is a gift . . . that’s why they call it
present." All we have is the present.    Goal setting is about looking into the
future. It is about trying to make a change now that impacts something later.
The most powerful changes we can make are changes that we step into at
this moment. And that's why intention setting is the key and the foundation to
creating success with the objectives, the actions that we take to reach our goals,
and the eventual goals we have set.
When I set goals with my clients, the reality is my focus is on the intention.
Intentions are focused on the present moment. I cannot achieve a goal today.
If the goal is to sell thirty units a month, I cannot sell thirty units a month
today. But what can I do today? I can set the intention to be honest. That is
important in sales. I can set the intention to have follow-through. That is
important in sales. I can set the intention to have a rich knowledge of my
product and rich knowledge of my customers. I can set an intention right now.
The formula for setting intentions is a lot smarter than the S.M.A.R.T. goal
setting. It begins with “I am.” “I am” is a powerful statement. The reason why
it is a powerful statement is nobody can say “I am” for you. Somebody else
can assign me goals. Nobody else can assign me intentions. Being consistent
with NLP, intention setting comes from within, not from an external source.
“I am” activates action. It activates the steps that I can take today. It literally is
abracadabra, which means “I create with my mouth. I create with my words.”
An “I am” statement phrased as an intention is really something quite
powerful. Let me give you some examples.
I am confident.
I am caring.
I am disciplined.
I am thorough.
I am careful.
I am compassionate.
I am exuberant.
I am excited.
These are all examples of intentions that I could set. And when I set the
intention for the day, I can then, with every step I take throughout the rest of
the day, step into intention even if I have not yet achieved my goals. It is my
belief that if we set an intention each day for the new day, that by the end of
thirty days, even if we never set any goals, when we look back, we will have
seen that we will have wildly exceeded our expectations in any goals, we would
have set by setting intentions.
I engage in a ritual for intention setting. This ritual is simple. When you get
in the shower in the morning, you probably use shampoo and wash your hair.
The shampoo has directions on the back. It says to apply the shampoo to your
hair, foam it up, wait two minutes, rinse and repeat. Every morning, when I
wash my hair, I put the shampoo in my hair, and I set an intention. I think to
myself for a moment before I rinse my hair, Richard, what is your intention for the
day? What is it that you can step into? Richard, if you could create any resource state, what
would that look like? I formulate an “I am” intention.
And as I rinse the shampoo off my hair, I say to myself, I am confident, I am
exuberant, I am energetic, I am compassionate, or whatever intentions I have set for
myself. Sometimes I set one, and sometimes I set more. As I go through the
day, I reflect on the intention or intentions that I have set for myself. And I
recall the intention, and I ask myself this question, Today, am I acting in congruence
with the intention that I set for myself ? This is a guide to moving forward. It is a
guide to achieving success because it keeps us focused on the present moment
—the power of now. It keeps us focused on the internal resources that I have
rather than the external constructs somebody else has decided for me.
I do work with my clients to help them set goals and ask them what the
objectives are. These are the tasks they need to do. It helps them create order
out of the tasks that are needed to accomplish things in life. But the
foundation of my work with clients is not goal setting. It really is intention
setting. My clients might have a multitude of problems they want to solve, but
by setting intentions, I set them on a pathway right now, today, this moment,
to achieving success.
 Chapter 30
First Session Template

Now that we have a toolbox filled with some NLP strategies and tools, how
could you conceptualize it? What would an actual coaching session look like? I
will give you the structure for a coaching session, utilizing some of the tools
that we have already talked about.
Something that is important to recognize is that each one of us will have
our own style, our own personality, and we are also going to have our own
type of scheduling.
Over the years, I have done a wide variety of different types of sessions.
Almost all my first sessions with a new client are typically between an hour and
a half and an hour and forty-five minutes. I make sure that I have plenty of
time. That is if it is in my office. I long ago got out of the therapy model of
fifty-minute hours.
Online, I spend less time with people. The reason why is that while I find
the online format a great and very effective format, people have a little bit of
attention deficit sitting in a chair without the same interaction we have in the
office. They are focusing on the screen. In my online sessions, I am probably
spending an hour to an hour and fifteen minutes with a new client.
Sometimes when I am working with individuals in the context of corporate
coaching, I am typically spending all morning with a new client. I might meet
with them at nine o'clock in the morning and continue until noon. I have three
hours with a new client when I am delivering on-premises corporate coaching.
We can adapt the different strategies.
There are a few differences between my first session online and my first
session in the office. The most significant differences are paperwork and
payment. Online, they pay me before they ever meet with me. I never meet
with anybody who has not already paid me for coaching. They pay me when
they schedule the session.
 In my in-person sessions, rarely have they paid me in advance. I prefer to
make it part of the therapeutic process where I spend some time talking with
them, and then I collect the payment at the end of what would in hypnosis be
called the pre-talk. It is the point where I have decided I am going to work
with them, and they have decided that they are going to work with me. By
collecting that payment in person, it becomes a commitment point.
When people are seeing me in my office, I generally do not provide
paperwork in advance. Again, I do this as part of the rapport-building process,
my assessment of primary representational systems, the classic intake form, a
personal questionnaire, the coaching contract, and the coaching agreement. If
they are doing this with me online after they book and pay for the session, it
takes them to a page, and that page has forms for them to complete right there
online. I am getting those forms before I am meeting with a person online.
Both systems work. It is really a matter of personal preference. I am going
to describe this process for you that conceptualizes a session in three parts. I
call it Act One, Act Two, and Act Three—a beginning, a middle, and an end.
The beginning is very important. I have never met this person before. I
probably have not talked to them too much, if at all. Most of my appointments
are booked through my office. Stephanie, my business manager, may have
talked to them, but I probably have not talked to them at all. The first time we
meet, the first time we talk is often our very first session. If you are answering
your own phone and somebody else is not doing your scheduling, you may
have done an introductory call with them, built some rapport, answered some
questions, found out some things, but it has probably been a few days or even
a few weeks. And so, it is really important to refresh at this point.
Let's go through the checklist, and this is completely adaptable and
flexible. You do not have to do all the things I am doing. You can do things in
a different order if you want to. But that concept of a first act, a second act,
and a third act is important.  
 ACT ONE

In this first act, what I want to do above all is create rapport and elicit
commitment. Those are the two primary goals of Act One.
Welcome and Positive Suggestion
As soon as a client comes into my office, I greet my client with a smile on
my face and ready to work with that client. When I greet that client, I shake
their hand, and I ask them to sit in the chair in front of my desk. This is my
first hypnotic suggestion. I’ll say to them, “I'm really glad that you're here. A
lot of other people have sat in that same chair and gone through a coaching
process with me. They found it beneficial. I'm sure that you will too." Whether
you are a hypnotist or not, begin with a hypnotic suggestion. A hypnotic
suggestion that future paces that they will be successful because they have
come to see you. It starts the session off correctly.
Rapport Building
I immediately go into rapport building. The easiest way to build rapport
with other people is to ask other people about themselves. It is human nature
that people love to talk about themselves.
Matching and Mirroring
I typically use the technique of matching and mirroring. This is a technique
where I mirror their body posture. If they are slouching, I might slouch a little
bit. If they are sitting very formally, I might move to the edge of my chair and
be a little more formal. I match their body language because this creates
comfort with the client.
Questions
When I am speaking to them, I usually ask them my traditional opening
question, which is, "So tell me a little bit about yourself." Notice I did not say,
“What about the problem?” or anything like that. I said, “Tell me a little bit
about yourself.” What is interesting here is they are leading with probably on a
subconscious level what is most important to them about themself. This is an
excellent place to begin the calibration process. I ask a few questions about
them and about what it is that they have told me. And then I almost always ask
them, "Those things that you just hold me are interesting. I am curious. What
is your strongest asset? What's your greatest strength that's helped you with
life or business to this point?" This almost always causes that transderivational
search where they must look inside of themself and really identify one thing
that has been a real strong point for them.
I am starting the session off on a positive note. I am asking what is right
with them, not what is wrong with them. Then I follow up. I ask them another
question. This is a great rapport-building question. "I'm curious. How is it that
you heard about my services?" Most people hear about me because they have
either read my books, taken my courses, know somebody who has read my
books and taken my courses, or found my social media channel. But a lot of
times, people find me because they had been referred by somebody else. And
they will say something like why that person came to see me and that they
found tremendous success and they are looking for that same kind of success
that their friend had.
What I almost always discover is that the client has some connection to me
already, which is probably a positive experience. They either liked my book, or
somebody had success working with me, or somebody recommended me. I
am really interested in the answer to the question, "How was it that you heard
about my services?" It gives me another opportunity to suggest they are going
to do well because their friend did well, or the many people who have read my
book have found success.
Do You Have Any Questions for Me?
I think rapport building also requires that I be open. I think self-disclosure
is very important in the coaching process, but I am not going to start telling
my client about me. They are not interested in everything about me. They are
only interested in some things about me. Rather than me guessing what they
are interested in, I will say to them, "I'd like to know if you have any questions
for me. Did you come to this session with some questions either about
coaching or about my services or even about me personally and the work that
I do?" This is a great opportunity for them to ask me what is important to
them about me. What are they curious about? I am almost always happy to
answer the questions that they have.
 I have been sober now for thirty-two years, since March 31st, 1988. I got
sober through the 12-step program with Alcoholics Anonymous and have
continued to maintain my sobriety. My recovery process is a personal process.
It is something that I have spoken openly about. I did a TEDx Talk about it. I
started out in this field as a substance abuse counselor. Unfortunately, many
substance abuse counselors think that because they got sober after abusing
drugs and alcohol, that experience somehow is valuable to the client. For some
clients, it is valuable. They want to feel a sense of camaraderie or know that
their coach has gone through that process as well.
But I do not disclose that to most of my clients. Sometimes they have seen
my TEDx Talk, or they might have read one of my books where I mentioned
it. But generally, when a person asks me if I have been in a recovery program
or used drugs and alcohol, it is at that point that I will tell them that I have
been sober ever since James Brady was Ronald Reagan's Press Secretary back
in the 1980s. And so, I will self-disclose, but I self-disclose when my clients ask
me about me.
I will sometimes make small talk. "Do you have a dog? What kind of dog
do you have? “Are you a cat person, or are you a dog person?" I ask some
questions that just generally build rapport and help me to utilize that tool of
calibration to find out how they answer questions. Are they open? Are they
closed? I remember my favorite quote from Guiguzi, "Listen as if you are a
tongue seeking the marrow from the center of a bone." In other words, it is
really important to employ our listening skills here.
Explain Services
I then go on and explain the services I offer and the coaching contract.

Calibration
I will be spending all this time calibrating with my client.

Identify Desired Outcomes from Coaching

I ask this question, "At the end of our time today, how would you know
that that time, the time that we spent together today, was beneficial to you, was
useful to you?" In other words, I want them to identify the desired outcome of
this particular session. Now it is probably not going to be all the answers to all
of their problems. It probably is something along the lines of they would like
to feel hope or like to know that there's a plan that they can engage in to take
them to the next level, but I would like them to identify the specific outcomes
that they would like for this particular session. I want two or three specific
outcomes for them. I am usually taking some notes, and I usually write those
down.

Assessment of Primary Representational Systems

I am probably going to move into a short explanation with them of
primary representational systems. And I will use the assessment Primary
Representational System Quiz. As you know, it only takes about one minute. I
simply take the sheet and explain that it is a great tool to help me understand
their primary learning style. People are either auditory, visual, or kinesthetic,
and this is really going to help me to be able to connect with them and teach
them the strategies and skills that are going to help them achieve that outcome
by creating alignment. I further explain that it will help them in some of the
areas that they might not yet have strength. I explain in layman's language,
auditory, visual, kinesthetic, and let them take that quiz. Then, I review it and
share with them a little bit about what it means. You can get a prainable copy
of this document at SubliminalScience.com/NLPbook.
Strength and Resources Assessment (I have included the
assessment in previous chapter number fourteen.)
I almost always then go into the strengths and resources inventory. "As we
go about helping you create goals and intentions and success in the coaching
process, I'm going to be drawing on the strengths and the resources that you
already possess." I explain to people that we can almost always find the
solutions inside of us. We just do not yet know how to implement them. That
is what I am here to coach them on. A tool like the assessment of strengths
and resources will help me to help them identify some of those things that can
be helpful.
Coaching Contract
This is where I generally get payment. I explain, "Stephanie told you that
the four sessions would be $1,295, correct?" Nobody gets to my office without
knowing how much it is. They will say yes, and I continue, "I have a couple of
forms here. One is called a Coaching Contract. That simply describes the
services that I offer and gives me permission to work with you. And another
form here is called an Intake Form or a New Client Questionnaire, and it just
asks some questions about you. While you do that, I will get you a receipt." It
is at this point that I collect the payment. "Are you using cash, check, or a
credit card?" I step out of the room and get them a receipt and give them time
to fill out both the Coaching Contract and the Intake Form.
This gives me five to ten minutes in the other room to reflect on some of
the things we talked about and develop a plan for Act Two, the middle of our
sessions.
Positive Suggestion and Ego Strengthening
I return to the office where the client is and cover any questions they have.
Usually, I do two things. I give them another positive suggestion and ego
strengthening. A positive suggestion is, “Now that we've completed the
paperwork, we're ready to make the changes. Sounds fantastic, doesn't it?" For
ego strengthening, I say to them, "I know you're going to do well. I'm really
looking forward to being able to tap into the resources you have to help you
live your best life."
In an in-person session, I have probably spent forty minutes with
somebody doing all that. In an online coaching session, I have probably spent
about thirty minutes. They have probably done the paperwork. Twenty
minutes on the short end and forty to forty-five minutes on the long end for
Act One is absolutely fine because I have set aside and budgeted the time for
my client.
 ACT TWO

Teaching Skills
In Act Two, I focus on teaching skills.  I use a markerboard to teach clients
things that they need to know. I teach them a skill that would be valuable to
them. If I have a client who is dealing with fear and anxiety, maybe I teach
them the skill of mindfulness. If I have a client who is dealing with conflict at
work, maybe I teach them assertiveness. Every client is going to have different
skills that we need to teach, but I am probably going to focus on one, or two
at the most, skill that would be useful to them to help them begin making
change right away.
S.C.O.R.E.
After that, I go into the S.C.O.R.E. model of coaching. The cool thing
about the S.C.O.R.E. model of coaching is that I could do a complete session
on each one of those letters in the acronym in a weekly session, or I could go
through the symptoms, the cause, the outcome, the resources, and the effects
at a basic level with somebody in probably ten or fifteen minutes. I can do a
short S.C.O.R.E-focused session now and then expand on each of these in
successive or future sessions if I want to.

Hypnosis/Mindfulness
I am a professional hypnotist, and most people who see me know that I
am a hypnotist. A lot of my clients expect that they will do hypnosis with me. I
might do a formal hypnosis session with my client. I might say, "I've taught
you some of these skills. We have talked about the S.C.O.R.E. model. Let's go
ahead and use hypnosis as a resource to tap into the strategies that I've taught
you today that can be helpful to you.” I might do a seven, eight, or ten-minute
hypnosis session as part of my coaching. Depending on the client, I might do a
longer hypnosis session with them, but generally, I find short hypnosis
sessions are extremely effective. If you are not a professional hypnotist, doing
the formal process of hypnosis is not required. We can utilize conversational
hypnosis, the language patterns that are hypnotic of NLP, to help encourage,
motivate, direct, and focus our client's desires.
NLP Patterns
I am probably going to use a couple of NLP patterns with them in Act
Two as well. I might introduce an idea. “Let me show you something really
cool. We have been talking about how to make this change. Let me share with
you the Swish Pattern.” Maybe it is confidence or the Circle of Excellence.
Maybe it is an answer in creativity, the Disney pattern, and I will guide my
client through one of the patterns, always ending with an Ecology Check.

Ecology Check
The Ecology Check Pattern in NLP is a simple technique where we're
ratifying if the change that the client has committed to making a change that's
actually beneficial to them? Is it actually something they want to make changes
with? This is important because if our client, say a smoker, is incongruent in
their desire to make changes, they know they need to quit smoking, but they
do not want to, then they will not. And so, I want to use an Ecology Check
Pattern to determine if this something that they really want to make changes
to.
Commitment
When the client arrives at the positive conclusion, that is when I am going
to get that commitment from them, and I am going to ask them questions.
“Are you ready to make the change?” “Yes.” “Are you ready to step into it
now?” “Can you set an intention?”
 ACT THREE

Set Intentions
Now I set intentions. What can they do now to activate the change that is
important to them?
Set Goals
I will have the client write specific behaviorally oriented goals so that we
know what it is we want to accomplish in our successive sessions.
Affirmations
I give all of my clients a dry-erase marker and say, “The reason I've given
you a dry-erase marker is so you can write on your bathroom mirror, and you
can see it as you blow-dry your hair and brush your teeth. I want you to see in
your own handwriting the solutions that are important to you.” I have them
create an affirmation such as “I am good enough. I am smart enough.  I think
I can. I think I can. I think I can.” If the affirmation is wanting to focus on
their comfort, not their pain, I'll have them write on the bathroom mirror, “I
am comfortable . ” If they want to be a better golfer, I will have them write, “I
can reduce my handicap this season.” Whatever it is that is important to them.
Homework Assignment
I will have them identify those affirmations and then give them the
homework assignment to write those affirmations on the bathroom mirror.
I am probably also going to end by giving my clients specific homework
assignments based on the work that we have done and the goals.
My coaching session homework is kept very simple. I ask them to maybe
practice mindfulness daily using an MP3 I give them, or I ask them to keep a
journal four or five times this week. Not daily. And the reason why is I want to
give people a chance to not be perfect because if I expect them to be perfect
and they are not, they will say to themselves, “Well, I didn't do it right, so I
must not be able to make the change.” I give them real, doable homework,
something that really reinforces the things that we have talked about.
 This could easily take nine minutes or two hours to cover all these things
one-on-one in my office. The online format lends itself to being a little bit
speedier, a little more streamlined, especially when doing processes like the
Swish Pattern or a hypnosis session. That is okay. Both are highly effective.
Both are equally good at meeting our client's needs. Have flexibility. Adapt this
to your personality, your style, and the things that you think are important.
And another of my favorite NLP patterns or acronyms is A.B.C.—Always
Be Calibrating. From start to finish, I am assessing their language,
submodalities, congruency, and ecology. For a first session, this format is
powerful and has served me well now for many decades.
 Chapter 31
Decision Destroyer

One of the cornerstones of the NLP presuppositions is it is better to have

choices than not to have choices. Often, we engage in repetitive behavior
because we are really not sure what choices we make.
Often, people who have made a decision, and that decision has become a
habit for them, do not really know how to revisit their prior decisions and
destroy them.
This is what is called the Decision Destroyer in NLP. It is a strategy for
working with somebody to help them to make different decisions when the
decisions they have made to this point have been non-resourceful to them. An
example of this might be the decision to start smoking again. As a hypnotist, I
have worked with a lot of clients who have stopped smoking, and, now and
then, a client comes back eight months later or a year or two years later
because they have started smoking again. If they started smoking again, they
made that decision. Sometimes, I have clients who I have never worked with
before, who quit smoking ten years earlier and suddenly started smoking again
a few months ago, wanting hypnosis because they want to be a nonsmoker
again.
We see that people often want to revisit the decisions they have made in
the past.
Maybe the decision was to day-trade options without any actual knowledge
of how the market works, and they incur huge losses as a result of not day
trading with knowledge. Sometimes, people want to revisit the decisions that
they repetitively make in their dating life. Sometimes, businesses want to revisit
the decisions that they have made that have cost them customers, cost them
customer satisfaction or cost them money in the end.
The Decision Destroyer can be utilized in several different situations. I will
walk you through this process, using smoking as an example, somebody who
made the decision to start smoking again after a period of time.
Revisit Problem
It all begins when we revisit the problem. I have a new client in my office
who says they have been smoke-free for a number of years and started
smoking again. Maybe they were at the bowling alley, and their friends were all
bowling and drinking beer, and they were smoking cigarettes. They thought
one wouldn't hurt them, and so they had one, and every day they promise
themself they will not smoke another cigarette, but every day they get up and
buy another pack of cigarettes. They are right back to where they started. I
have heard this time after time. You can think about the decisions that you
have made in your life which have been non-resourceful and ask yourself, “Is
this a decision that I am continuing to make, despite the knowledge that it has
adverse consequences or that it's a non-resourceful state for me?”
When I am working with somebody, I have them revisit the scenario or
situation.
Get Person Focused on the Moment of Decision
The first thing I do is have them focus on that moment of decision. I
might say, “What I'm hearing you tell me is that you made a decision to engage
in smoking again, even though your goal or your intention wasn't to become a
smoker again, that night you made that decision. Go ahead and close your eyes
down now, just for a moment and revisit that moment that you made that
decision. Revisit that moment when you had a feeling, a want, a need.
Describe for me what that feeling, what that need was, that moment that you
made that decision.” And I will have them go ahead and open their eyes again.
I have them close their eyes because it helps them really to revivify that
experience, that exact moment of making the choice.

What Was Going on at That Time?

Then I am simply going to ask them, “Tell me what was going on at that
time? Who were you with? What were you doing? What were you sensing?
What were you feeling?” You can see how the elements of the Awareness
Wheel can be brought into this discussion where we have them really paint the
picture of what was going on in their life at that exact moment.

Just Before That You Were . . . ?

The second aspect of this is to have them rewind and back up to a point
before they made that decision. The question I'm going to ask is this,
“Immediately before you were at the bowling alley and smoking the cigarette,
what were you doing? What was happening immediately preceding that
decision that you made?” Now, I might hear something earth-shattering. “Well,
I was at home, and I got bad news. My cat had been run over by a car.” It
could be something dramatic, or it could be something nondramatic. It could
simply be, “I was in my car. I was relaxed. I was listening to the radio. I really
wasn't even thinking about smoking, but I walked in that bowling alley, and
that's when I made that decision.”
What I am trying to get them to do is rewind in their mind, again
experientially, to the moment that preceded the decision that they made. The
immediate moment. The five minutes before, the ten minutes before, maybe
the hour before. But I really want to know what they were doing right before
they made that decision?

As You Think about the Present, Notice the Options You Have
It is at this point that I have them think about the present and notice the
options that they have.
I have them close their eyes down again and explore with them. “Now that
you're here with me, I want you to think about the different options you have.
You spent many years as a nonsmoker. I wonder, aside from smoking a
cigarette, what could you do to meet your need for socialization or to help you
make the choice to choose fresh air rather than carbon monoxide air? I
wonder in this exact moment if you were faced with the challenge of making
that decision over again, what options you have. Could you get up and leave?
Could you simply use a sort of communication? ‘Oh, no, thank you. I don't
want a cigarette.’ Is there some other choice or option that you have when you
think about this decision that you've made?” I am probably going to have
them take a minute or two and really identify some of those decisions.

The Next Time You Think About X, With What You Know
Now, I Wonder If You Will Pick a Different Option. Will You?
“Go ahead and open your eyes up again. Now that your eyes are open, I'm
going to ask you a really important question. “The next time you think about,
in this case, smoking a cigarette, with what you know now, I wonder if you
would pick a different option? Would you?” The answer to that leading
question is almost always going to be an affirmative; they are going to choose
a different option. Then, my question is going to be, “What option would you
choose if faced with that decision again?”
Let's put this in the context of business. The problem, or the issue if we
want to use the Awareness Wheel model, is we have made the decision to stop
tracking customer satisfaction on a scale of one to five. Instead, we have
simply given them a frowny face and a smiley face on the customer satisfaction
survey. The result is because we are measuring it differently, that perceived
customer satisfaction is lower now than it was before.
The conversation might go like this:
“Let's revisit the problem. The way you've been measuring customer
satisfaction, has it been really a resource for you?” “It hasn't.” “Has it yielded
the information you need?” “No, it hasn't.” “Well, think about the moment
you made that decision.” “Well, the moment that we made that decision, it was
that moment when we realized that people weren't completing their customer
satisfaction survey. So, we wanted to make it as easy for them as possible.”
“What was going on at that time?” “I was sitting in the room with the CEO,
the head of customer service, the customer experience officer, and one of our
sales representatives. And we were all really talking about these things because
customer feedback is important to us, and somebody drew on the board and
said, ‘Look, we need to have our customers smiling,’ and they put up a smiley
face. They thought that by having that option for a smiley face, people would
be drawn to it, and it would up our customer experience scores. But, in fact, it
has actually decreased the customer experience scores. We’re getting forty-five
percent frowny faces, and only fifty-five percent smiley faces.”
“See yourself in that room with those people, making that decision, the
smiley face being drawn on the board. Just before that, what were you doing?”
“Well, just before that, I was actually making customer calls. I was asking
customers a question. I was asking them, ‘What's one thing that we're doing
right? How is it that we are actually helping you?’ We were focusing on the
positive.” “Wow, that's incredible. That's awesome. That's great. You were in
your office, and you were making those phone calls.” “Yes, I was.”
“Now, I want you to close your eyes, and I want you to think about the
present moment. When you think about this present moment, notice how
many options you have in measuring customer experience. Tell me, other than
a frowny face or a smiley face or a scale of one to five, is there any other way
to measure customer outcomes or customer satisfaction?”
 It is in this moment, in this exact moment, that the ideas will probably
come forth, and they will come up with two, three, or four ideas. The
conversation may continue in this way:
“Next time you have a meeting with those individuals regarding customer
satisfaction, and you think about the tendency to simplify things in a way that
isn't actually beneficial to measuring accurate outcomes, with what you know
now, I wonder if as an executive you can make a recommendation that would
look different? Wouldn't you do that? And if so, what do you think that
recommendation would look like?”
Maybe they will come up with a recommendation that creates a word
sphere, a word cloud. Maybe they will come up with a different way to
measure customer satisfaction.
This is a way of changing previous decisions, whether they are individual
behaviors, whether it's in the boardroom and even within the family.
I can do this with a teen child. Here is the problem presented to the teen.
“The problem is you've made the decision to return the car without gas. Let's
focus on that moment that you decided not to return the car with gas.” I have
a teenager who has done this before.
“What was going on at that time?” “I was with friends. I was having fun. I
looked at the clock. It was 11:59.” “Just before that, you were doing what?” “I
was sitting in the McDonald's drive-through window.” “Well, when you think
about the present and how many options you have, I wonder what they are?”
“Well, not go to McDonald's. Ask my friends to chip in for gas money. Any of
these options I have.” “Great. So, the next time it's quarter to twelve, and
almost time to come home, and you think about not returning the car with
gas, with what you know now, I wonder if you'll pick a different option? Will
you?” And the reality is the answer to that is going to be yes, and they'll tell
you what that new option is.
The Decision Destroyer is a way of revisiting prior non-resourceful
decisions and helping people to make lasting change.
 Chapter 32
Neurological Levels

One of my favorite ideas in contemporary NLP is the Neurological Level idea

of Robert Dilts. This is the idea of what is sometimes referred to as
neurological levels or sometimes just simply logical levels. It has been
expressed as a pyramid with six levels.  
 Each one of these, because it is a pyramid, is becoming a little bit smaller.
The reason why they are smaller is not that they are less important, but
because at the deepest level or the lowest level, the environment is the biggest
area in size. It consumes much of our attention, our focus, our awareness.
That is why it is important to be able to conceptualize these neurological
levels as a pyramid. We recognize that sometimes the important things are the
small things, and we can still pay attention to those in order to have a complete
pyramid.

The first level is environment, and that is the biggest because the
world where we are, where our problem is, where our solution is,
where we exist, is the largest component of this model.
On top of that are the behaviors, the things that we do, the actions
that we take.
Built on top of that are the capabilities that we have. Sometimes I like
to phrase this as the strengths and the resources that we have.
Then the values and beliefs are on top of that.
Built on top of values and beliefs is what is called identity.
Built on top are the spiritual or metaphysical aspects of how we
achieve the greatest satisfaction levels in life.
This is one of the reasons why I love coaching. Rather than helping people
who have a problem move to an adequate level of functioning, I am often
working with people who already have an adequate level of functioning or an
exceptional level of functioning, and I am helping them rise to be congruent
with their highest level of performance.
The neurological levels model can be utilized in several different ways in
coaching.
The way that I use it is to simply take clients through a process of decision-
making—first looking at the biggest area, their world, and the environment
that they are in. Then the behaviors, capabilities, values, beliefs, identity, and
spirit.
Let's use this hypothetical situation: Should Richard buy a new Tesla? The
Tesla Y is $49,900. Or should he purchase something different?
Environment
Let's take a look at the when and the where of the environment. The
environment is I have a three-car garage. The environment is I live in an area
that's just about five minutes away from a Tesla supercharging station. My wife
and I only have one car. Having a second car would be useful.
Still looking at the environment here, I also own this house, so I could
install an electric vehicle (EV) charger in my garage. I could charge up my car
whenever I wanted to. How often do I drive? How often does my wife drive?
Currently, we are not spending very much time driving, but occasionally I need
to go to the university in Dallas, where I sometimes do some work with them,
or sometimes I need to visit family in another part of the state. Let's look at
the environment and the scenario and the situation of how this decision to buy
a Tesla Y would fit into my world.
Behavior
Behavior is the what . The what is I'm tired of buying gas. The what is it's
cool to have a Tesla. The what is we need a second car. The what is I can
afford it. These are the what types of questions in regards to this decision and
the behavior. What is driving this behavior? A couple of weeks ago, I drove to
Dallas, and I was away for almost eighteen hours, and my wife was stuck at
home. She could not go anywhere because we only have one car right now.
Capabilities
The capabilities are the how . Well, I'm pretty tech-inclined. So, I can drive a
Tesla if I want to because I understand how to work a car on an app. Even
though I have never done it before, I have these capabilities, and I could do it,
I would be interested in that.

Values and Beliefs

What is really important? So far, it sounds like I am getting a Tesla. What is
most important at this point in my life, now that I really think about it, is
actually financial security. I am getting older; I'm not getting younger. I am
interested in preparing for my future in a way that is far different than before.
So how can I achieve security? What is my value and my belief ?
Tesla has an amazing appreciation rate. After three years, it retains ninety
percent of its residual value. That is incredible. Many cars lose thirty, even
forty percent in a three-year period. If I bought one for $49,000, at the end of
three years, it would still be worth, at least according to current projections,
$40,000. So it costs me $10,000 a year, and I'm not buying any gas, and that's
pretty congruent with what my desire is.
What would be super handy would be to not have to bother my neighbor
when I need to move something. And so, I could actually buy a decent six or
seven-year-old pickup truck with, probably, 75,000 miles on it for about
$13,000. That would be a wise use of money. Or maybe, since I already have
an SUV, my wife just needs a runaround. I could buy a 2015 very nice BMW
with 60–70,000 miles on it. It is still a very good reliable car, a 328 for
probably $16,000–$17,000. Really what is most important here? So far, it
looked like I was getting a Tesla, but security is really the most important
thing.
Identity
I want to now look at identity, the meaning, who am I? There was a point
in my life when the kind of car I drove was important to me. The reality is, I
derived my meaning from being a good dad, a good friend, a hard worker. And
while the pickup truck that keeps me from bothering the neighbor or the
BMW would save me a little bit of money, there is absolutely nothing wrong
with an Altima. I could buy a recent model Altima for, probably, $12,000 or a
Honda Accord for $13,000, being consistent with developing financial security
and who I am. I am still a hard worker. I am still a good dad. I am still a good
friend. Even if I drive an Altima. And, those are two nice cars.

Spirit
Significance. What am I a part of ? I am a part of my bigger world, my
family, my community, my child's life, a fellowship of other people who I care
about.
What is the spiritual aspect of should I buy a Tesla or not? Maybe it is that
I want to go green and contribute to the environment. Or maybe the
significance here is that I want to be part of being financially responsible so
that we can stay in this community where we currently live for a long, long
time.
We can see here how guiding somebody through these neurological levels
can help them in the decision-making process. We can also bring this into the
corporate world. We can bring this into family coaching and into couple’s
coaching. We can bring this into dealing with emotional aspects. Let's say
somebody is wondering about whether they should see a psychiatrist and start
taking antidepressants. They could go through this whole thing here.
When and where? — I'm depressed more often than not for a period of thirty days or
longer.
What is my behavior? — I am not getting out of bed. I am not going to work.
What are my capabilities? — My capabilities are to actually go to the gym. And
cardiovascular exercise has been shown to be more effective than psychotropics for the
treatment of major depression, so that is a capability. Maybe I'm going to change my track
here.
What is really most important about my values and beliefs? — Caring for
myself. Who am I? I am Richard. I am a guy who actually cares about other people.
What is the spiritual significance? — Getting out of myself and into the lives of
others. That might help me with my depression.
We can take this understanding of the neurological levels or the logical
levels that Dilts identified, and we can use this as a roadmap for problem-
solving and helping clients who are in our office or online that we are coaching
to truly rise to their highest level of peak performance. This creates stability. It
creates a congruence, and it creates, at the deepest levels, security, significance,
and meaning.
 Chapter 33
Perceptual Position

Perceptual position is, perhaps, to be one of the most useful concepts in NLP.
The reason why is simple. When I am coaching individuals, it is often useful
for me to have them move their position so that they can see things from a
new perspective. This helps in the decision-making process, and this helps
with empathy. It can truly be a useful tool, a useful strategy.
The perceptual position is about me in proximity to other people and their
experience. It can also be about me and how I perceive myself. Let me share
with you the five key perceptual positions that NLP talks about.

The first one is simple. This is you as you in any situation. For example, if
I am describing an issue, I am describing it from my viewpoint, the way I
see the issue, what it is that I am experiencing. That is the first perceptual
position.
If I am using NLP in a hypnosis session, I am imagining a scene on a movie
screen that is a movie of my experiences. It is me who is in the movie playing
the part of me. The first perceptual position is me as me.

The second perceptual position is me in the shoes of another person. It is

me being able to say, “I wonder what Susie's vantage point of that is?” or
“I wonder what Bill's vantage point of that is?” It is me leading with
empathy, moving into their perspective or their situation, and observing a
situation as if I were them. In a movie, I am doing self-study; if I step
back and watch the movie of me in the movie, that second perceptual
position is from a singular perspective.
The third perceptual position is me as an observer of the other person
who is observing the situation. This can be a useful tool for getting a
large bird's-eye view. We talked about the Awareness Wheel as a tool for
understanding all the elements surrounding a particular issue. This third
perceptual position, imagining that you are an observer of one and two
together of Suzie and myself or Suzie and Bob, allows me to see things
 from a perspective that is once removed. When I have worked with
individuals who have experienced trauma, intense grief, or other very
intense emotions, there is a need to step back from the emotion of an
experience or a situation to create a new vantage point.
The third perceptual position can come in handy in self-reflection. The idea
here is that there is a me playing in the movie, and that is me as me
experiencing the scenario or situation. This is what a flashback really is. The
second perceptual position is me observing me, and for some people who've
experienced trauma or grief or other intense emotions, this might still be too
close. This third perceptual position is another me who is floated out of
myself to observe me observing me.
The language of this in NLP usually is something along the lines of the
following example.
Go ahead and close your eyes and imagine you're watching a movie, a movie
of the situation, or the scenario that's distressing to you. Do you see the you in
the movie? Do you feel as if that's you on the screen?
This is your first perceptual position. You being you acting out the movie on
the screen.
Imagine that that movie continues to play, but a you floats out of you and into
a seat in the movie theater to observe what's happening on the screen.
This is you observing yourself on the screen. This is the second perceptual
position. If we need to get an even bigger view, we can continue.
Imagine that another me floats out of me all the way to the back of the movie
theater, up to the projection booth where it can see, it can observe the me
observing second perceptual position; the me in first perceptual position.
What it does is it puts some space between a client and intensity. It can put
some space that can help provide clarity and promote problem-solving and
give new perspectives because the me as me in the middle of the screen cannot
see anything that is not directly in front of me or in my peripheral vision.
The me who is observing me can now see that while there might be other
elements or other players, if I move to a third perceptual position, this
Awareness Wheel might be big, and I might see how it is connected to other
Awareness Wheels.
 The three perceptual positions that we primarily talk about are you as you
in the shoes of another and as the observer, but there are two more perceptual
positions that are not talked about as often in NLP, and I find them
fascinating.

One of these is the fourth perceptual position—observing the observer.

Now, why would we want to observe the observer?
Years ago, I was at the Rembrandt Museum in Amsterdam. I do not know a
whole lot about art, but I went just like all the other tourists and I thought the
art was fascinating and interesting. I walked around, and I looked at the
pictures, and I looked at the display tags, and I read what they said, and I tried
to understand the art a little bit more.
After perhaps an hour or two, I noticed that I was no longer watching the art.
Instead, I was sitting on a bench inside the museum, and I noticed that I was
watching people who were watching art. To me, that was even more
fascinating. It gave me a new vantage point of the art itself by watching those
who are watching art. There was a fascinating array of different people ranging
from students who were seriously studying art theory to tourists who were as
lost as I was, observing the art. There were locals and international visitors. A
lot can be learned by observing the observer.
Ask yourself, "What is it that I am noticing about the observer's viewpoint?"
This fourth perceptual position is one more level removed, but it can provide
a fascinating vantage point.

The fifth perceptual position, which is rarely ever talked about, is me as

me evaluating the observations, looking at the observations that I have
made. We are noticing the auditory, visual, kinesthetic, olfactory,
gustatory observations that I have made and then asking myself, Are the
observations and the conclusions that I'm drawing congruent with the Ecology Check,
congruent with the presuppositions that I have made, or congruent with the decisions
that I have made?
This first, second, and third perceptual position coupled with the fourth
and the fifth perceptual position can really be of utility in any type of coaching
session.
I often say to clients, "Go ahead and step back from the decision you're
trying to make. View it as an observer. What would that be like? And if
somebody were watching you watch the decision being made, what would they
say about the decision being made? Let's get an even bigger viewpoint here."
The result of this is that these five perceptual positions are particularly useful
in trauma recovery. They are useful in decision-making. They can help a
person to discover new options. They can help a person to generate empathy.
They can help a person see the connection they have with other people and
other Awareness Wheels. They can help a person become more mindful, put
some space between them and their emotions, and be present as an observer.
 Mindfulness training teaches us to observe the breath, be in this moment.
Sometimes the trauma of the moment or the difficulty of the moment can be
too much for me to stay mindful. By moving my perceptual position, I can
increase my acuity level in the area of mindfulness.
One of the other primary uses for the perceptual position is as a coaching
activity to engage the neurology of the client. Remember, it’s neuro -linguistic
programming. This is an exercise where I do not simply talk to people. I ask
them, "Stand in this spot and be in the first perceptual position. In first
perceptual position, what's your state?” “Stand in this spot and be the observer
or the other person in this situation. In second perceptual position, what's the
state?” “Stand over here, be the observer of the person who's observing the
situation. In third perceptual position, what's the state?"
By doing this, by moving clients around and having them engage
neurologically in the process, I can help my clients gain a perspective that goes
far beyond simply thoughts and engages the mind and body together to create
valued experiences.
 Chapter 34
The Milton Model

A lot of people associate NLP with what is known as the Milton model or, in
other words, the hypnotic language patterns of Milton Erickson. I have written
another book, Speak Ericksonian: Mastering the Hypnotic Methods of Milton Erickson
, a practical guide and instructional manual on his language patterns.
In NLP, an observation of the way that Milton Erickson worked was made.
John Grinder, who was the co-founder of NLP, was a linguistics professor.
Language is what he studied. In observing Milton Erickson, he noted that the
language he used was artfully vague.
There are two models to specify information in NLP. There is the meta-
model, which is based on Virginia Satir's work, that chunks down and tries to
get very specific. “How did you feel? When you felt that feeling, what did that
feeling feel like? Tell me about feeling that feeling that you felt.” In other
words, we are getting into the minutiae, the tiny details here. This is the
Virginia Satir model or the meta-model.
The second is the Milton model, the hypnotic language patterns of Milton
Erickson, which are predicated on certain types of language choices that he
would use in his sessions with clients. The reason why is Milton Erickson
believed that the client had the resources within them necessary to solve any
problem. They might solve it in a nontraditional way. They might solve it in a
unique way, but those resources are in there. It was his goal to bring those
resources out. By using certain linguistic phrases, hypnotic language patterns,
the client would attach the meaning to the process of hypnosis that the client
believed was so important.
What is the Milton Model?
Hypnosis training programs often make outrageous claims: “ Get anybody
to do whatever you want using these fantastic language techniques and
language patterns handed down in secret by Milton H. Erickson to his most
trusted students!”
 Of course, those claims are greatly exaggerated, but Milton Erickson did
pioneer a form of hypnosis that uses particular language patterns rather than
relying exclusively on formal inductions. Because this form of hypnosis seems
more like a conversation than a formal trance process, these techniques are
often called Conversational Hypnosis. Because people don’t always recognize
what’s going on in these language patterns, it’s sometimes called Covert
Hypnosis.
When Richard Bandler and John Grinder, the founders of NLP, studied
Erickson and analyzed his use of language, the name they gave to these
techniques was the “Milton Model.” Essentially, the Milton Model consists of
language patterns that focus a person’s point of attention and create an
internal experience or internal dialogue that lets them tap into their
unconscious resources.
The purpose of the Milton Model language patterns is to invite a person to
respond. This invitation can call for an internal or experiential response, a
verbal response, or even a behavioral response.
The Milton Model is associated with using artfully vague language patterns
to avoid unconscious objections or the imposition of the therapist’s bias into
the process.
These are the core foundations of persuasion techniques, whether we’re
talking about sales or whether we’re talking about romance and seduction. It’s
certainly one of the core aspects of effective communication during the
manipulative process of therapy.

The Ethics of Manipulation

By the way, did I, as a licensed therapist, just call therapy manipulative ?
Certainly therapy has elements of persuasion and manipulation. When
used by the ethical therapist, persuasion and manipulation are part of helping a
client ultimately achieve their goals.
Therapy is a form of manipulation. Really, so are most human interactions.
And this is why, of course, therapist ethics are important. Manipulation can be
powerfully helpful or harmful, depending on the operator and also the ego-
strength of the client.
 I’m going to deviate here for a minute and answer the question: “When
using the techniques or the language patterns of the Milton Model, can we
really get anybody in Covert or Conversational Hypnosis to do anything we
want?”
The reality is, there are seven billion on the planet earth, and some of them
have what I would call a greater “ego strength” than others, and some people
have a very weak sense of self-identity. They really don’t know where they stop
and somebody else begins. In psychotherapy or psychiatry, this might even
have the diagnosis of Borderline Personality. It is quite possible for an
unethical authority figure to take advantage of these people, with or without
hypnosis of any form.
The world is full of people who have used persuasion to manipulate people
into doing things that they otherwise would not have done. I mean, you can
look at history and see examples like Adolph Hitler. You can look at examples
from crime like Patty Hearst. You can look at other criminal examples. There
was the Washington, DC, shooter case a few years ago, in which an older man
(an authority figure) manipulated a teenaged boy to lie in the back of his car
and shoot people with a sniper rifle. The world is filled with examples of one
person manipulating another person.
It is my belief that with or without studying Milton Erickson, the extreme
personality who is an abusive individual has the capacity to take advantage of
what might be called in pop psychology “weaker-willed people” or those with
lesser ego strength. When I hear stories like that that are attributed to the
power of hypnosis, it really isn’t the power of hypnosis—although hypnotic
methods may be employed—it really attests to the skill of the truly abusive or
maybe even evil person for choosing the right victim to perpetrate their evil
deeds on.
I thought I would go ahead and address that because anytime you talk
about language patterns and Covert or Conversational Hypnosis, those sorts
of things come up. But this is not really a book about manipulating people to
do things against their will. The purpose of this book is to bring therapists to
help other people experience success. And so that is how we are going to use
the information in this book.

The Art of Being Vague

 Let me share with you a generalization about the Milton Model. Most
Milton Model patterns are designed to avoid specificity because the more
specific we are, the more likely there is to be opposition from the client’s
subconscious mind rather than the development of rapport. Let me give you
an example using visual imagery:
“Imagine a heavenly flight of stairs. The stairs are tall and narrow. Imagine
standing up the top of these stairs. They are majestic stairs and covered with
red carpet. Your hand is holding onto a polished brass rail. You make your
step from the top stair to the next stair and down to the next stair. With each
step, allow yourself to become more relaxed, stepping into that red carpet
feeling your feet step into the deep red carpeting, but safely holding onto that
descent down to the sixth stair, and the fifth stair, and the fourth stair. All the
way down now. Three, two, one. Stepping off the stairs into a heavenly feather
bed.”
Now, that was very specific. I called the stairs “tall and narrow.” I called
them “majestic.” I told you there was a “polished brass rail.” I told you there
was a “red carpet.” But chances are, as you were going through that brief
process, you said to yourself, Wait a minute, my stairs don’t have red carpet. You
may have thin carpet instead of thick carpet. When I said thick carpet, you had
to change the carpet on your staircase. As I counted up the specific number of
stairs you were on, said, Wait a minute, I’m still up higher; I have to try to catch up.
You see, because I was specific, there were all kinds of conscious suggestions
that were probably interrupting your process.
Let me give you an example of how you can use what is often referred to
as a Staircase Deepener, using different language choices that make it
completely different for the client’s experience:
“ Close your eyes. Breathe in and breathe out. As you descend into an even
deeper state of trance, imagine an elevator, an escalator, or even a staircase.
Imagine that you’re at the top; you’re heading towards the bottom, where there
is comfort and relaxation. As I count backward from ten to one, descend
down each step, descend down each floor, down to a point or a state, a
resource state we call hypnosis. Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three,
two, one, zero. Perfect. Completely relaxed.”
Notice I didn’t specify it had to be a staircase or what the stairs looked like.
It could be an elevator, escalator, or staircase. Instead of giving them colors,
what floor they were on, instead of telling them the details of what I think they
should be visualizing, I let the readers bring their own visualization to the
process.
Let me give you another example. I generally avoid the use of the word
hypnosis or trance . I typically, in my own personal style, prefer to call it a resource
state. I certainly don’t use the word sleep during my sessions, but Milton
Erickson did. We must remember that word definitions and usages of words
change over time. Milton Erickson used the word sleep or the phrase deep sleep.
Those are not words that I use in my hypnosis sessions at all. Not because it is
wrong to do so but because there are better words. Resource state is what I
usually say because I teach my client that is what hypnosis is all about.
Let me give you a couple of examples here:
“As you go deeper into trance, achieving hypnosis easily . . .”
vs.
“You should set aside the day, focusing on your experience here in my
office, as you access that resource state which is going to be most helpful
to you today.”
In the first example, I was very specific. They must go into hypnosis. They
must go into trance. In the second example, I was much more ambiguous:
“Let yourself access that resource state which you would find most helpful
today.” Everybody can find that. The art of vagueness is one of the hallmarks
of Ericksonian hypnotherapy.
Key Concepts of the Milton Model
How do we go about using artfully vague communication and suggestion
with our clients? There are many key concepts to understand and principles to
practice. As you read these ideas, I encourage you to come up with your own
examples, even to take time to write them down.
For reference, here is a list of the key concepts in the order we will discuss
them:
• Nominalizations
• Unspecified
Nouns and
Verbs
• Unspecified
Referential
Indices
• Presupposition
with
Adjectives and
Adverbs
• Presupposition
by
Comparisons
using As
• Mind
Reading
• Linkages
• Lost
Performatives
• Modal
Operators
• Presuppositions
• Embedded
Suggestions
• Negative
Commands
• Double
Meaning
Words
Nominalizations
Concept number one in the Milton Model is the idea of nominalization. In
NLP we refer to nominalizations as “any noun you can’t put into a
wheelbarrow.” For example, I could put my little brother into a wheelbarrow. I
could put a dog / refrigerator/ TV remote control into a wheelbarrow. But
when we take a verb and turn it into a noun, more specifically when we make a
noun out of something intangible, we can’t really put it into a wheelbarrow. Let
me give you some examples.
“During this training course, these learnings you have acquired are useful in almost
every situation in life.”
The word “learnings” is a nominalization. It is a verb that’s been turned
into a noun. “Learning” becomes “learnings.” “Learnings” isn’t a tangible. It is
a nominalization. You can’t put “learnings” into a wheelbarrow.
“The joys you can count are present in many ways.”
“Joy” (an emotion) becomes “joys” (a plural noun). Again, you can’t put
“joys” into a wheelbarrow; they are intangible.
But why would you want to use nominalization? The reason why is that,
oddly enough, it makes an intangible into something concrete. It makes an
intangible obtainable. I hear people say all the time, “I just can’t learn.” But
when I tell them to metaphorically “hold on to these learnings,” that’s
something they can do. So a goal becomes attainable when we use a
nominalization.
Similarly, a nominalization can change the relationship with something. For
example, “owning joy” is probably more powerful than “feeling joy.” “How
many joys do you have today?” What a great question to ask a client. Joys have
become something that they possess, and that changes the relationship. It’s not
something they hope for or long for. It’s something that’s very real today.
It’s important to recognize when our clients may have nominalized in
unhealthy or unhelpful ways. For example, many of our clients say they “have
depression” instead of saying they “are depressed.”
One of the things that we can do in hypnosis is we can un-nominalize their
nominalizations. We can take away ownership. For instance, we can change
“having depression” to “being depressed.” We can also change a relationship
with a nominalization. For example, rather than “being anxious,” we might say
that a client “feels some anxiety,” the way one might feel a draft. Either
approach can lessen the sense of ownership and provides distance between
our client and the issue.
Unspecified Nouns and Verbs
 The next key concept is unspecified nouns and verbs. What these actually
do is they force the listener to “fill in the blanks” with ideas from their
subconscious mind. The interesting thing is that the natural state of people is
that we’re probably a little self-absorbed, a little bit narcissistic, and so they
often fill in the blank with themselves. This is very powerful because if I say in
a hypnosis session, “People find it easy to go into trance.” I have not specified
which people, or how they’re going to do that. And so, what’s the
subconscious mind’s response to these unspecified nouns, “Who are the
people?” The subconscious response is, “Wow! I am a people! And if I’m a
people, then I find it easy to go into trance!”
We take action on whatever we believe. For example, you believe that if
you pay your electric bill, you will continue to have power. So you pay it. If a
client believes “People find it easy to go into deep trance” and the
subconscious mind believes they are a people, what will they do? Well, they
will actually go into trance.
I use this often in my suggestions as well as my inductions. In my office I
have recliners, and I will often say to my clients, “People find that when they
sit on a hypnotic chair that it’s easy to go into a deep trance state quickly.”
They recognize that they are people and they are sitting in a chair, and so the
response to that indirect suggestion is to go into trance deeply and quickly. I
use this approach all the time in my Suggestive Therapy:
“Many people have found that by learning self-hypnosis and practicing the techniques
that I’ve shared with you they find it easy to lose weight, quit smoking, stop chasing cars, or
whatever it is that brought them to my office.”
Unspecified nouns and verbs really are a powerful linguistic tool that you
can use in your hypnosis sessions.
Unspecified Referential Indices
The third category is unspecified referential indices . They are actually
nouns that do not refer to anything with a capital letter. For example,
"Richard" vs. "person". Richard has a capital R; person doesn’t. They refer to
something non-specific. “This is so beneficial, isn’t it?” What is this ? This is
whatever the client attaches meaning to. It could be the session, the process,
this time, these words, whatever. And when we couple this with a suggestion
that this is beneficial, the subconscious minds come to agreement. So I could
use this sentence in my induction:
 “As you continue to breathe in and breathe out, it’s so beneficial, isn’t it? Feeling good,
taking a moment out of your busy day to set aside stress and deeply relax here in my office.”
In my pre-talk, I often use unspecified referential indices. For example, I
might say as I lean over the desk, “This is one of the greatest things you have
done.” What have they done? The subconscious mind will find meaning, and
the subconscious mind will say, “I did it!”
If I have a client in a deep trance state and I’m offering suggestions, I
could say, “Everybody finds something of value in this experience.” Who is
everybody? I’m a body, so I must be everybody. What is ‘something’? What is ’experience’?
Milton Erickson’s idea was that our subconscious mind is infinitely wise. What
these patterns do is engage the mind with what Erickson found were internal
resources and internal dialogues for problem-solving.
Presupposition with Adjectives and Adverbs
The fourth pattern in the Milton Model is adjectives and adverbs that
presuppose. This approach tends to gain agreement from the subconscious
mind. They get “buy-in” and the acceptance of our pre-suppositions that are
made in the therapeutic process. For example I could say, ““People are
pleasantly surprised by the incredible capacity to change.” Pleasantly modifies the
word surprised . Incredible describes the word capacity . I could say to the client,
“As you relax, you will find a pleasant surprise in your ability to easily recall
all the information in this book.”
To make this book truly useful to you and for you to become hypnotic,
which is ultimately the goal of this book, pay attention to the adjectives and
adverbs that you’re using in your daily conversations with people. Become
essentially a more colorful speaker by adding these adjectives and adverbs that
presuppose the meaning you want.
Presupposition by Comparisons using As
The fifth language pattern is a comparison with the word as. As is a two-
letter word but extremely powerful. As increases connection and reduces
conscious opposition. Sometimes in hypnosis you’re going to hear about
“bypassing the critical faculty.” How do we bypass the critical faculty? We do
that by reducing opposition. The word as is a very effective way for structuring
a direct suggestion within an indirect suggestion. So it lets my clients
subconsciously feel that they are the one who has a choice and they’re in
control.
Let me give you some examples of comparison with the word as:
“Just as you can relax here, you can relax and access this state anywhere—at home, at
work, or even in traffic in your car.”
I use that a lot as a post-hypnotic suggestion with my client. At the end of
my session I’ll often say to them:
“And just as you were able to reach a deep resource state here in my office, if at any time
anywhere over the next day or two or three, you have a need to access this deep state of
relaxation or confidence that you’ve created here, you’ll be able to do it just as you were able
to accomplish this in my office; you will be able to accomplish this everywhere.”
Another example of using as:
“If anyone is as easily able to relax as you are, they will find it easy to experience deep
trance at just about any time.”
Or here’s another one:
“Just as you can create confidence here, you can create confidence anywhere, even in front
of a group where you are speaking.”
Mind Reading
Now, despite how we’re portrayed in movies, hypnotists are not psychics,
but our clients sometimes feel as though we can read their minds. Really, it’s
just projecting what the client needs to know through a language pattern that
predicts the future or predicts my knowledge of their state.
So here are some examples:
“As you continue to relax in that chair, I know you are learning as you experience
something new today.”
That’s mind reading. How do I know that? I don’t really know it. The only
way I could know it is if I were a mind reader. But I’m projecting what I want
them to do and learn as they experience something new today,
Here is another example:
 “You may wonder if it is ok to have thought while you practice hypnosis. It is of course
normal for the mind to wander: after all that is what minds do, they wander and think. But
instead of following those thoughts, just let them exist without judgment and without
following them, returning your attention to the breath.”
By the way, that sentence is really one that would be identified from the
field of Contextual Psychology, and you can find that even in Contextual
Psychology, we can use Ericksonian language patterns to enhance our
effectiveness.
Here’s another example of mind reading sentence:
“You are curious to discover how relaxed you can become.”
Now, how do you use that sentence? Well, I might use it in a pre-talk
before we ever get to the hypnotic chair. I might say to my client who’s sitting
at the desk:
“I know that you’ve been looking at the hypnotic chairs. Don’t worry, in a few minutes
we’re going to move over there for our session, and I know that you’re curious to discover how
relaxed you really can become.”
When I activate their curiosity, now they want to accomplish that, and so it
makes trance induction even easier.
Linkages
Linkages presuppose a link between two things, even when linking them
truly is completely arbitrary, a mental exercise, what may be called a “relational
frame” by contextual psychologists.  Students of Steven Hayes and those who
have taken my courses in Contextual Hypnotherapy recognize Relational
Frame Theory. Linkages suggest the mental process for creating those frames.
In Ericksonian hypnosis we are still creating these frames to facilitate change.
In addition to using Linkages to create new relational frames, the therapist
should also be aware of the Linkages that clients have created that might
actually need to be “unhypnotized” from their subconscious mind. So what we
are doing here really is two things: We are learning these language patterns so
that we can create arbitrary relational frames (relationships between two things
are really probably are completely unrelated) while at the same time, we’re
looking for the arbitrary relational frames that our clients have created because
part of our work can actually be unhypnotizing.
 Relational frames are important to understand because they are what
separate humans from the other animal species. The reasons why humans are
at the top to the food chain rather than giraffes ruling the world is that
humans have the ability to create arbitrary relational frames.
Engage in this exercise to understand relational frames:
Think of something, anything that is a noun. It can be car, a microphone, a
cup, anything you want to. It doesn’t matter—any person, place, or thing.
Think of an object, something you can hold in a wheelbarrow. Actually write
that down on a piece of paper or type it out on that notepad note to yourself.
That’s Object Number One.  
Now that you thought of one thing, think of another thing—another
noun, another something. Again, it can be a DVD, a computer, a TV, a bug. It
doesn’t really matter what it is, just think of anything. That’s Object Number
Two. So now you have two unrelated things listed on your piece of paper.
But humans have the ability to create relationships that are really
completely arbitrary even when no relationships actually exist. And so, I have
three questions for you to answer regarding these two objects:

1. How is Object Number One like Object Number Two?

Think about that for a moment. You can write down your answer. I picked
a cup and a TV remote control. How are they like each other? Both sit on a
desk. It’s really completely arbitrary, but our minds have the ability to create
this relationship frame and see how two things that really are random are
related to one another least in our own minds.
2. How is Object Number One better than Object Number
Two?
Maybe a little more difficult than the first question, but your mind has
ability to come up with an answer, even though that answer truly is arbitrary.
And so think about how the first one is a better than the second one. My
answer is the cup is better than the remote control because I can drink from it,
and water is necessary for life. That’s really completely arbitrary, but in my own
mind I’ve created this relationship—just like you did with your two objects.
3. How is Object Number One the parent of Object Number
Two?
This may take a little more creativity, but our minds have the ability to
create relationships that are arbitrary and abstract. In my own mind, I came up
with something really completely arbitrary, but I was still able to answer the
question. A cup holds ice. A remote control is made out of plastic. In order to
mold it, plastic must be cooled with ice. Therefore, the cup gives birth to the
remote control. It is the parent of the remote control.
No matter how arbitrary, we’re still able to come up with some way to
answer the question. This is really important though, because the question is
absurd. Not all things can be the parent of all things, and yet we’re always able
to answer the question. That is an adaptable evolutionary trait in our
psychology that put us up the top of the food chain. It shows our cognitive
abilities that even exceed smart animals like elephant and dolphins. They
cannot create relational frames; we can.
Although Milton Erickson did not call this Relational Frame Theory, he
certainly understood the concept and employed Linkages to imply new
relational frames.
Erickson used three types of linkages:
• Conjunctions:
And, But
• Connections
in Time: As,
When,
During,
While
• Cause
and
Effect:
Makes,
Causes,
Forces,
Because,
Requires
Linkage using Conjunctions
Remember that old S choolhouse Rock song? “Conjunction junction, what’s
your function?” Conjunctions are words that connect; that is, they imply a
relational frame.
English has seven coordinating conjunctions, but we’re going to focus on
the words and and but. Here are some examples:
“You are deeply relaxed and that means you are able to easily set aside anything known
or unknown that has kept you from success. You can release those things now and move into
this new chapter of life.”
That nest example is actually adapted from a line that my colleague John
Cerbone uses frequently. It actuates the creative capacity of the subconscious
mind to have somebody release that which is either known or unknown
keeping them from success. But when we combine that with conjunctions, we
create linkages; we create relational frames that are truly beneficial to our
clients.
“You are deeply relaxed. I can see that your breath is smooth and rhythmic, and that
means you are able to easily set aside anything known or unknown.”
You see, those two things “being deeply relaxed” and “being able to set
aside anything known or unknown” are like the cup and the remote control—
not actually related. But because I used a conjunction I forced a relationship.
“You can release these things now and move into this new chapter of life.”
“Releasing things” and “moving into the new chapter of life” are totally
unrelated until I use that conjunction.
Presupposition is at the heart of using Linkages. They imply or presuppose
the connection we want the client to adopt.
Linkage using Connections in Time
Words that presuppose a time-based relationship between two actions
include the following:
• As
• When
• During
• While
(or
Whilst
in
British
English)
Here are some examples:
“ As you relax, you can feel any stress melting from your muscles.”
So “feeling stress melting from my muscles” is linked to the present with
word as.
“ When you breathe in, it is as if you are breathing in energy, confidence, and power.”
I use that often with my clients who need to feel unstoppable confidence
in any situation.
“ During this time, you will feel relaxed to know that your time has been well spent
learning something new that will serve you, not just during this transition in life, but in every
aspect of life.”
Note the connection between what’s happening now and what will happen
in the future.
Linkage using Cause and Effect
Implying a cause/effect relationship is a powerful way to create a beneficial
relational frame. These are several of the words that can presuppose such a
relationship:
• Makes
• Causes
• Forces
• Because
• Requires
Here are some examples:
 “ Because you’ve come here today and set aside time to learn something new, we know
that you will be successful at weight release / smoking cessation / fear of flying / fill in the
blank.”
This is a great one to use during a pre-talk or during a session.
“You have lost ten pounds in the past four weeks and this makes achieving your goal
even easier over the next few weeks. Your devotion to this requires you to be successful, and
this makes it even easier to stop smoking without discomfort.”
Lost Performatives
Lost Performatives are words or phrases that indicate the performance of
an action without stating who performed the action. Again, the subconscious
mind attaches meaning internally, so when a therapist uses a Lost
Performative, the client tends to think it’s about them.
These words are often used in Lost Performatives:
• Important
• Essential
• Good
• Necessary
• Right
• Promise
Here are some examples:
“The great promise you will experience because you came here today.”
What promise? your client wonders. Was does the promise entail? I must
have made a promise to myself or maybe somebody made a promise to me.
This sentence also involves Mind Reading, by the way, plus a causative
conjunction, so that’s actually a fairly complex suggestion.
“It is important to learn language patterns.”
Important, why? Why is this important? Important to whom? This statement forces
the subconscious mind to create a connection and meaning out of these
words.
 “It is good that you came to my office and its benefit is multi-faceted.”
What is good? What is the benefit? That’s not specified. It’s lost because it’s not
attached to anything. Your clients will attach it to themselves: Therefore, I am good, and I
am going to benefit. Boy, that makes me feel hopeful.
Modal Operators
Language patterns that direct the subject’s experience to a certain direction
are known as Modal Operators.
“ It is gre at that you are able to learn so easily, applying what you have done here
today to new experiences over the next day or two.”
“It is great” is the modal operator. That what’s pushing your client
forward.
“ This foundation is one that you can build from and quickly achieve your goals.”
Whether I teach a pain control client Progressive Muscle Relaxation or I
teach Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction to a client who may be quitting
smoking and worried about withdrawal, this is a great suggestion.

Presuppositions
Presuppositions are a powerful tool in persuasion; in certain ways, they
underlie most of the other language patterns. Presuppositions gain agreement
from the subject by implying that an idea is true rather than putting it up for
discussion.
Presuppositions about Time
Words used to presuppose relationships about time include the following:
• Before
• After
• During
• Continue
• Yet
• Already
• Begin
• Stop
• Start
• Still
• While
• Since
• As
• When
Here are some examples:
“You begin each session with increased ease at going into deep hypnosis.”
“As you continue to breathe, you will start to notice it is easy to experience only each
moment measured by each breath.”

Ordinal Presuppositions
These presuppositions give a client the appearance of choice, but really
they create a faked alternative (also known as a false dilemma or double bind)
since an outcome is actually presumed.
So may I ask a client a question this question:
“Do you want to give up smoking now or do you want to have a last cigarette before we
begin the session?”
It has the appearance of choice—“Do you want to give up smoking now
or have the last cigarette?”—but the outcome is the same: quit smoking.
The word or is another presupposition. Or provides a choice which, by the
way, is again often faked. Let’s say your client has a fear of flying. You might
ask:
 “Would you prefer to be able to fly in a hypnotic sleep or simply fly without fear but
remain awake?”
It doesn’t matter what their choice is, they’re going to get on the airplane
and see grandma, which is what they couldn’t do before the therapy session.
When doing demonstrations, one of my colleagues will ask volunteers
whether they want to go into hypnosis slow or fast. While the question helps
him pick which induction to use, it also presupposes that the volunteer will go
into trance.
So or implies two choices, but both choices ultimately have the same
outcome.
Presuppositions of Awareness
A third type of presupposition involves awareness:
“Are you aware that you have already become a non-smoker, simply by coming here
today?”
I use this one with my clients all the time. It brings their awareness to
something. Because my clients are tied up with the question of whether or not
they are aware—and let’s face it, no one wants to admit to being clueless—
they accept the idea that they have already become non-smokers.
During my sessions with my smoking cessation clients, it is my belief that
when they sit in the chair and close their eyes, they’ve already become a non-
smoker. They’ve committed to that by calling me, by taking the time off work,
by driving to my office, by paying me, by having their last cigarette either
before the session or before we go on to the formal hypnotic trance. By the
time we finally get to the hypnotic furniture, my client is actually a non-
smoker. So I use that question all the time.
“And as you relax, become aware that the issue here today is not ‘how do I quit
smoking?’ In fact, you’ve already become a non-smoker simply by coming here today.”
I might even draw their awareness to that by adding to it.
“Become aware of what it feels like to be a nonsmoker, to breathe in your first breaths of
fresh air.”
Presuppositions can be powerful tools for change during pre-talk, trance
induction, suggestion, and even after the formal trance work.
Embedded Suggestions
Throughout the scripts that I often write, and in any of Milton Erickson’s
writings, you can find many Embedded Suggestions. As pointed out earlier,
this was one of Milton Erickson’s favorite strategies. Here are some ways to
embed a suggestion:
“I don’t know if you will go into trance quickly today or if it will take you a little bit of
time.”
Your Embedded Suggestions here is: “You will go into trance.”
Another way is to simply use the word now . That is an Embedded
Suggestions related to action at this moment, so we could say:
“Well, now …. There will come a point when it is just more comfortable to close the
eyes.”
The implied suggestion is that now is the time to close the eyes.
A Word about Analog Marking
This concept, sometimes called “Analog Striking,” comes from Neuro-
Linguistic Programming. It builds on the idea of embedded suggestion. The
idea is that by saying certain words in a certain tone, or making the same
gesture when you say each word, you can string together an embedded
suggestion even if the words are separated by some distance in your statement.
I really don’t put much stock in Analog Marking, but it’s a popular concept
in the seduction community, which has borrowed a lot of ideas from NLP and
therefore from Ericksonian Hypnosis, so I want to address it here.
Here’s the kind of example seductionists will often use:
“The rock band KISS owns a football team in LA. It makes me wonder if I should
start being a football fan now .”
Of course, the embedded command here is “kiss me now.”
Yes, I know this is an absurd example—yet those claiming the validity of
Analog Marking try to make it sound like a reasonable thing. There are
probably 101 more effective ways to get the suggestion acted upon, and there
is no evidence that I am aware of showing its utility in producing a response or
an action. Sure, you can find stories of the power of Analog Striking in the
“super-secret mystical Ericksonian training courses” that are often sold online.
But the reality is, those are anecdotal and probably made up by the people who
are selling the course. Unfortunately, those looking for a magic formula to help
them score with women will buy into this nonsense.
So I do use Embedded Suggestion. It’s logical that the embedded
suggestion would be understood by the subconscious mind. It is completely
illogical to me that there’s any real value in Analog Striking.
Negative Commands
Negative Commands, as we are discussing them here, mean suggestions
that use logical negation, that is, the use of the word not to reverse the meaning
of the sentence.
This is a topic that is somewhat controversial and confuses many students
of hypnosis. So let’s spell this out clearly:
First, by “negative command,” we don’t mean a suggestion that is harmful,
toxic, or damaging. For instance, “You will always be a failure,” while dripping
with negativity, does not use logical negation.
Second, while the subconscious mind can process negation, it does not
seem to do so consistently. Sadly, many hypnosis courses miss this subtle
nuance, instead teaching an absolute idea that is nonsense: the idea that the
subconscious can NEVER process negative.
Nonetheless, because the subconscious has trouble with negation, there is
a way we can exploit that weakness to embed suggestions.
To not think of something actually requires that you do think of something
in order to rule out thinking about it. For example, as you are reading this, do
not think of a pink elephant. Whatever you’re doing right now, do not think of
a pink elephant. And of course, what are you thinking of ? You’re thinking of a
pink elephant. The reason why—this is really paradoxical therapy at its finest
—is that you have to process the negative into a positive in order to
understand it. And so, negative commands can actually be effective.
Milton Erickson is famous for using this one:
“You will not want to go into trance too quickly, enjoying the process of going deeper.”
 That’s really a pretty complex sentence. It has an embedded command
(“go into trance”). It also employs reverse psychology: Anytime somebody
tells me what I shouldn’t do, I always want to do it. If you tell a child, “Don’t
touch the stove; you will burn yourself,” there’s a great chance the child will
get burned. Every little kid burns himself because we have to think about
touching the stove in order to think about not touching the stove.
Here’s another example of a negative command:
“It is important that you don’t buy that now, but rather, wait until you know that
buying it is the right choice for you.”
A salesman may use this in a hypnotic language pattern. It tells somebody
not to buy something but at the same time tells them to buy. In order for them
to process not buying it, they have to create a mental construct of them buying
it now in order to refuse to do it.
In the seduction courses, they actually used to sell tee-shirts that say: “Stop
falling in love with me.” The idea was that somebody who read the tee-shirt
had to actually think of falling in love with somebody in order to understand
what not falling in love with somebody was. And of course once a thought is
created, that thought is the germination for all reality.
A colleague of mine once observed an organization that chanted at each of
its meetings:
“We’re building a group with no gossip, no back-stabbing, and no in-fighting—no
kidding!”
The organization collapsed within a year, due to gossip, back-stabbing, and
in-fighting.
As you can see these negative commands can include embedded
suggestions, and negative commands can actually be employed quite effectively
in almost all forms of hypnosis.
Double Meaning Words
Words that sound alike but have different meanings are called homonyms;
using these words to embed suggestions is often called phonological
ambiguity.
Some common homonyms in English include:
 •      your / you’re
•      too / two / to
•      hear / here
Many words and phrases can have double meanings in English:
•      down
•      back
•      mind now
•      your unconscious / you’re unconscious
Here is an example:
“As you focus your unconscious [pause] mind now how you relax more.”
The subconscious suggestion here is “you’re unconscious”—as in
experiencing trance. “Mind now” becomes an embedded command to pay
attention.
 Chapter 35
Association and Dissociation

A key concept in NLP related to our primary representational system and to

the modalities is the concept of associated or dissociated. This is an important
aspect of NLP. Often, we view dissociation as something that is negative or
bad. The DSM-IV and the DSM-V have a dissociative personality disorder. We
often view that it is wrong to dissociate from things, but there is a time and a
place for the art of dissociation. And either one of these vantage points is a
correct vantage point. There really is not a right or wrong.
When we are coaching, and when we are working with individuals, we are
looking for signals from them that they are associated into an experience or
that they are dissociated from an experience. Associated means they are into
that experience. They are experiencing that experience as themselves.
Dissociated means they are viewing it from an observer viewpoint.
We are going to refine this using hypnotic language, and we can call it
revivification versus reflection.
You as You
Revivification is the idea that I am me experiencing a previous me as if it is
happening right now. This is, in trauma counseling, something that we
sometimes view as a negative experience. In hypnosis, we might view this as
abreaction, but the reality is revivification can be a process that is beneficial to
individuals. It can help a person to relive experiences that have been
meaningful or of value to them. There is a place for revivification and for
being fully associated into an experience.
 When my grandmother died, who I was very close to, the memorial service
was held in the chapel at the facility where she passed away. Right after the end
of the service, when all the relatives were hanging around talking with each
other, I decided I would just go for a walk. I walked down the hallway to my
grandmother's room. I just looked, and I observed, and then I went back
toward the dining area where there was a sitting area and an aviary. My
grandmother and I used to sit there, and she would talk about the birds. My
grandmother was a birder. She loved birdhouses and watching birds.
I remembered that just a few weeks before this, I had sat in this place with
my grandmother, and I was listening to her tell me stories about the birds that
she had been observing here in the aviary. I am not sure exactly when that
recollection of the previous experience with my grandmother turned inside of
me, but I was no longer forty-some years old, remembering my grandmother a
few weeks before. I was now eight years old again at my grandmother's house,
watching her watch the birds and showing me her bird books and the pictures
of the birds. I do not know if I was standing there for five seconds or five
minutes, but suddenly I felt a tap on my shoulder. I jumped, and it was Carissa,
one of the nurse assistants who had taken care of my grandmother. She said,
"Richard, are you okay?" and I jumped because I was no longer me in this
place. I was fully associated into a revivification, and I was eight years old
again, on my grandmother's back porch. And for me, that is one of the
precious memories that I was able to reassociate into some forty years later.
Association and dissociation can be both positive and negative experiences,
but it's just about being a person.
The revivification is me as me reexperiencing the reflection as me, as part
of the picture, being able to see me and reflect on my feelings, thoughts, and
actions in any given situation. We could look at associated and dissociated, as
you simply being in the picture, being an observer of you holding that
recollection or that image of you in your hand.
Our clients are going to reveal whether they are associated or dissociated
with their language. They are going to tell us things like “I feel” versus “I am.”
That is what we are listening for. They will talk to me about their experiences,
and they will tell me whether they are fully associated into a mind, body, and
spirit or whether they are observing and evaluating those things. From a
dissociated perspective, they might say, "It's as if I see." From an associated
perspective, they might say, "I feel." We are listening for their language, the
differences in their submodality expressions, as well as their primary
representational systems.

Make It Real
The associated position might be viewed as making something real versus
dissociated, making it compelling. I am telling a story, so I am compelling. I
just told you the story of me after my grandmother's funeral. I did not revivify
and make the experience real again as I told the story as an observer, hopefully
sharing with you a compelling story that not only taught a point but was
interesting to read.
Re-experience
Associated might be about trying to re-experience something, and this
could be valuable. Go back to that point before you made the decision. In
other words, associate into it. If I am working with a person who wants to
have confidence in any situation, I ask them to associate into an experience
where they had confidence before. “Make it real right there in the office. Be as
if you were in that peak level of performance previously, right here and now,
so we can associate into a resource state.” A dissociated position might be one
that allows me to learn a lesson. And from that experience, what lessons were
learned?
Toward versus Away
The associated position really moves toward something. The dissociated
position moves away from something.
In NLP, we often talk about motivation. We are only motivated by two
things. We are either motivated toward something. I'd like to have a happy, joyous,
and free experience. Or away from something. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.
I don't want to experience that anymore.
Our associated and dissociated components of the coaching process can
really help me to connect. It can help me to build rapport. It can help me to
assist clients in understanding their experiences from a deeper level. This can
be integrated within any of the concepts from neurological levels to the
Awareness Wheel, to our traditional coaching model, to the perceptual
positions that we also talk about in NLP.
Content Reframing
 Content reframing is not simply looking at the bright side of a bad
situation. Content reframing is a skill that goes far beyond that. In its simplest
terms, we are going to take a non-resourceful state and transform it into a
resourceful state. This is the art of content reframing. If somebody has, for
example, a fear that is not resourceful to them, is there a way to reframe the
situation where they find themself so that that fear becomes a resourceful state
to them?
We know that fear can be either non-resourceful or something that is
resourceful. Fear is not something we are trying to banish. It is the non-
resourcefulness of the fear we want to work on. I am going to give you a
couple of examples here so you know exactly how this works. I will share with
you some applications that are effective in life coaching and NLP in therapy
and in mentoring people in business and leadership. This is a skill that is very
important, and I want you to practice the principles that I am sharing with
you.
How to Generate Content Reframes
Content reframing during a session with a client is going to come in one of
two forms.

1. Your Suggested Reframe

You reframing a situation for the client so that they can see the resourceful
state amid the non-resourceful states is perfectly okay. It is acceptable for us to
have ideas, listen to our clients, and share with them potential reframes that
could be of value to them. If it resonates with them, if they look inside
themself, do a transderivational search, and see that what we have suggested
could benefit them, it is often the case that they will adopt our ideas then as
their own ideas.

2. Client Generated Reframe

There is another powerful strategy in NLP, and that is having the client
suggest, create, discover, and step into their own content reframes.
This is a strategy that I use with clients in several different ways. I want my
clients to elicit their own reframes, to have that “aha” experience that insight-
oriented therapy talks about, that Carl Rogers talks about. There are several
different ways we can do that.
Perceptual Positions and Socratic Questions
In this book, we have already discussed the idea of perceptual position.
Most people who are experiencing crisis, difficulty, or overwhelm are in the
first perceptual position. They are them as them experiencing the distress that
surrounds them. But working with them to uncover the second perceptual
position, them as an observer observing them in a situation, gives them a new
vantage point.
We can then combine that with Socratic questions. “When you see yourself
in this position, do you get a sense that things are different?”
We could combine this with the Awareness Wheel as an exercise to help a
person in second or even third perceptual position to be able to discover a
new content reframe.
List Five Potential Positive Outcomes
There are other ways we can use a content reframe to have a client
generate that experience from within. We can simply give them a piece of
paper and a marker and ask them to write on the markerboard. I’ll say, “I want
you to think of five things that you can discover in the situation that have the
potential to be positive.” That is really important. We do not want to ask them
to discover five positive things in this lousy situation. That can come across as
nonempathetic. It is perfectly okay to say to a client, "Wow, the situation
you've described is really difficult. I can understand why negative feelings and
non-resourceful states have emerged. I wonder if by stepping back from this
situation, it's possible to think of five potential outcomes or experiences that
could make this valuable or useful."
 Alcoholics Anonymous: The Big Book , the 12-step program, referred directly
to this. They say that no matter how far down we have gone, we can see how
our experiences benefit other people. A lot of people come into the 12-step
program feeling a sense of negativity, a sense of depression, a sense of regret, a
sense of despair, with maybe legal problems, health problems, and/or
vocational problems. They come into the program, and they are confronted
with the idea that no matter how far down the scale they have gone, they will
be able to see how their experiences can benefit other people. That is a
positive reframe that is taught early on, really to the newcomers of Alcoholics
Anonymous and other 12-step programs. The idea of having them list five,
seven, or ten potential positive outcomes that could be found in this situation
is a strategy that can be effective.
I like to push the envelope here. If I ask the client for five potential
positive outcomes or resourceful states that could come about, I want them to
really come up with five or seven or ten or whatever the magic number is. The
reason why is that they will be more convinced of one or two of those than all
of those. When they stretch their mind and try to come up with five, seven, or
ten things, I find that the answer that resonates most with them is usually
number four or five or number eight or nine. When you have clients do
assignments like this, really push.

Modeling Others
Neuro-linguistic programming is all about modeling others. If you have
found yourself in a different situation and in this situation you are accessing
non-resourceful states, let me ask you a question. The question really is simple.
“Do you know anyone else who has experienced something similar to this, and
they surprised themself by discovering meaning or value in this difficult
situation?” I must look inside. Do I know anybody like that? Have I heard of anybody
like that?
“Yes, there was this person, and they experienced something like this,
although I could never have the outcome they had.” “Let's talk about this
because what you're saying is there's the potential for a positive experience
here.” “There's the potential, but I don't have the money or the resources [or
whatever else somebody else had].” I am into strengths and resources. You can
see how this all begins to tie together. I can tap into those strengths and
resources as tools that they do possess to help them move toward a positive
state.
 Content reframing is about moving from these non-resourceful states to
resourceful states. I am going to give you an example of how that can be seen
in several different situations.
The first is a book I wrote a few years ago, The Couples Treasure Chest: The
Seven Most Effective Ways to Move Your Relationship from Misery to Joy . The entire
premise of the book is reframing in couples counseling. This is an excellent
strategy that you can use even if you're not a couple’s therapist. You can use it
with people in relationships. You can use this in your own life.
One of the biggest problems in marriages is that people save, what I call,
marital green stamps. “On July 3rd, 1972, you failed to take the trash out.”
That is a green stamp in the book. “We were walking through the mall, and
you noticed somebody else that was attractive, and you stared at them, and
that was embarrassing to me.” That is another green stamp. “On August 11th,
1983, you said something hurtful toward my mother, my father, my sister [or
whomever else].” That is another green stamp. What happens is people always
look at what is wrong. The husband, or the wife, doesn’t do [whatever it is],
and so those are green stamps to put in the book.
And when people focus on non-resourceful states long enough, over a
long enough period, what happens is they cash in the green stamp book. In
life, the green stamp book is taken to the supermarket, and they cash it in for a
blender, a toaster, or some plates. In marriage, they cash it in for justifying
their adultery. They cash it in with the big divorce. They cash it in by justifying
violent behavior or passive-aggressive behavior. I see that time after time after
time.
I give an assignment to every couple I work with. It is a content reframing
homework assignment. The assignment is to take a spiral notebook home and
use the one book for both of them.
I tell them that what I want them to do is put it in a room where they both
pass through every day. It could be the bathroom, garage, or kitchen. Each day,
whether it is one word or one sentence, or one short paragraph, I want to
teach them to think of and write down in the book one thing they value about
their partner that day. I tell them never more than a paragraph. Do that again
the next day, and the next day, and the next day. I do not necessarily want them
to do this together.
 This is often the first time that they have looked at what's right with their
partner. That is why it is called The Couples Treasure Chest because instead of
saving up those marital green stamps, they are saving up their couple’s
treasure. If you save up resourceful states, kind words, appreciation, and
gratitude for a long enough period, you can cash in that treasure chest for a
pirate's bounty later. This is a simple but profound technique for reframing
content that can change the entire dynamic of a dysfunctional relationship and
turn it into a healthy relationship.
Even if we did nothing else in couples counseling, the reality is the couple’s
treasure chest is a powerful experience. I have had couples who have done this
day after day, week after week, year after year. They have gotten through many
notebooks, and it has become something that they cherish and value, as their
relationship has become much stronger as a result of this content reframe.
Just last week, I was coaching somebody in my twelveweekbook.com
writing class. (I teach other people how to write books, typically having
anywhere from seventy to one hundred students per class.) Recently, someone
had written to chapter five, but they had not written any more of Their book.
They were afraid to continue, and the reason why they were afraid to continue
with their work was that they were afraid that what they were sharing about
their own spiritual experiences was not okay. They were raised in a home that
was nonreligious. It was a home hostile toward religion. Although their parents
had long been deceased, this individual held on to these ideas that it is not
appropriate or okay to talk about religious or spiritual ideas. But they really
wanted to, in the self-help book they were writing, share how their spiritual
faith had helped them to solve the problems outlined in the first part of the
book.
This person said to me, "But I just can't go on. I know my parents are
deceased, and I am not going to disappoint them because they are not here to
read it, but I'm just really afraid to continue. What if other people don't like my
work?"
I said to them that so far, what they had articulated in the book was great
content, so the worst thing that could happen would be that somebody would
come along to this chapter where they were vulnerable, and perhaps, they
might say, “This is not something that resonates with me. This isn't something
I value.” But they could also say to themself that the first part of the book was
amazing, and continuing to the next part of the book, they would probably
find something of value.
I asked them if they had ever read a book and thought to themself, they
really liked one specific part but didn't really like another part? They replied in
the affirmative.  I continued explaining that every single book is like that. And
because every book is like that, their book would be like that too. Although
somebody might say they didn’t relate to a chapter, it is very possible, based on
what this person had shared with me, that another person who grew up in a
nonspiritual home might say to themself that the chapter really resonated with
them and that they had never thought about it in that way and they will find
this chapter is the best part of the book.
Or maybe somebody who came from the opposite, a very religious home
but a dogmatic home, a home filled with ritual that was not resourceful to
them in their adult life, might consider that what they had shared gave them a
sense of freedom. It might even be useful to those who are still on a spiritual
quest or those who might not even know they are on a spiritual quest. Perhaps
it will help them open their mind to their deepest level of need. But the reality
is the very worst thing that could happen is somebody might conclude that it
was not their favorite chapter of the book. And here is the content reframe: If
they got to chapter six, they would have already found another chapter that
was of value to them, or they wouldn't have read the book that far.
I asked if they had ever bought a book and read a chapter or two and then
put it down and never came back to it? It was because it didn't resonate with
them. By the time someone is on chapter six, they already think something is
awesome because nobody reads half a book unless they find something
valuable. They simply move on.
We can reframe in our coaching as I did with that individual or a client
who lost their job not too long ago. They had worked seven years for one
company. They had made a change to another company to take a higher salary.
They only worked there for three years, and then the company laid them off.
The reason why the company laid them off was that the company was not
doing very well.
This individual finally found another job. It took them almost nine
months. And so, they remembered the nine months of difficulty and stayed
with this job that they didn't particularly like. But again, the economy changed,
a result of COVID-19, and they were paid for a short period of time after the
lockdown but eventually let go. Feeling distressed, they were unsure of what
else they could do.
I met with him, and I talked about the skills that he had developed in those
years working for those companies. And I talked to him about the opportunity
to share those skills not as an employee but as an expert. And he said, "As an
expert?" I said, "Absolutely." I said, "You've been doing this type of work now
in this industry for fourteen years."
I continued to explain that after all those years, he had developed some
expertise other people didn’t have. As a consultant, he has the opportunity to
have flexible time, potentially make more money, at least on an hourly basis,
and move from an expert level to a sage level in the industry, which means that
after a period of time, he could develop a consulting business and the great
news was that he could be doing that online with companies right now who
are gearing up for reopening.
Astonished, he replied, "Wow. I never even thought about that. I had
always been told you have to have a job."
I shared my experience that the last time I got a paycheck from somebody
else was in 1994 and that entrepreneurship is a pathway to success; those who
create wealth are often those who have created businesses. One of the primary
businesses people create that creates wealth is consultancy services.
The whole idea of content reframing also occurs in business coaching. The
entire concept of Appreciative Inquiry is predicated on looking at what's right
rather than what's wrong. In a nutshell, Appreciative Inquiry takes an
organization or a community, and it enlists all the stakeholders. That could be
the employees, the C-suite, the executive team. It could include members of
the community that perhaps surround a geographic location, customers,
vendors. It gets everybody together. Then it asks the question of all these
people what the company is doing correctly and how it can do more of what
it’s doing correctly?
Rather than looking at what is wrong and trying to fix what is broken, let's
look at what actually works.
A company that has a six percent complaint rate might be looking at “How
do we eliminate the six percent of our dissatisfied customers?” But really, the
question is, “How can we do more of what the ninety-four percent are
satisfied with?” By focusing on what is right rather than what is wrong, by
focusing on what is resourceful rather than non-resourceful, we can elicit a
powerful change. In the Law of Attraction, we say, “Where energy goes,
prosperity flows.” We want to put our thought into positive energy. So, where
the energy flows is where the mind goes.
We want to be able to use content reframes as a strategy in personal
development like the Law of Attraction. The Law of Attraction is all about
content reframes or evidence-based approaches to consultancy like
Appreciative Inquiry.
During the COVID-19 era, much of our business coaching and hypnosis
therapy over the last year has moved online. Some people have said this limits
their ability to provide the services that they did and to do the things that they
enjoy. Let me ask you, what opportunities come about as a result of moving
your business online? Can you serve a larger geographic area? Are you now
not competing with your rate on a local basis but on a national stage? And of
course, COVID-19 has been tragic for many people. My uncle passed away as
a result of the virus in later 2020.
This pandemic has had some dramatic losses for people and caused pain
for people. But in this pain and in this difficulty, the question is what content
reframe can you create so that despite the difficulties, we step into resourceful
states in our own lives and with our business as well?
 Chapter 36
Motivational Strategy

Part of our job as a coach is to motivate people and help people move toward
that which will be beneficial to them. In my coaching processes, I am always
going to be looking at motivation as one of the essential tools for success.
Neuro-linguistic programming has long taught that there are only two ways
to motivate people. We can either motivate people away from something, as in
not wanting to touch that stove because it will burn and it's hot, or moving
toward something as in wanting to move toward creating wealth because then
one can buy a Bentley, for example.
We can either be motivated by the desire to stay away from something or
be motivated by the desire to go toward something. We might be motivated to
stay away from a relationship because of negative emotions. We might be
motivated toward a relationship because of positive emotions. This really
applies across the board, and it is really pretty simple. To help people change
their behaviors, we need to look at the motivations they have. Is it an away
from motivation, or is it a toward motivation? And guess which one of these
two is more powerful? The toward motivation is more powerful, generally,
than the away from motivation.
 Let's take a look at what the research says about motivating people.
If I am coaching and I want to motivate people, there are four Cs of
motivation.

Choice
Neuro-linguistic programming says it is better to have a choice than not
have a choice. People are only going to be motivated when they have choices,
and when they choose the choice, it becomes their own choice rather than one
imposed on them. This is why intentions are more powerful than goals.
Intentions come from within. Goals often come from the expectations of
others. We want to work with our clients who need the motivation to
accomplish something or do something or change something, make a choice,
and feel that they have a choice, and that choice is not simply to move away
from something but to step into something awesome.
Choice is the first component, and in our coaching, we always brainstorm
and elicit options. Ask your client what else could they do? What have other
people done? What choices could they make? All of these are important
questions.

Challenge
The next element of motivation is people are not motivated unless there is
a challenge. This is why competition is very popular. We set up competitions
between students. We set up competitions between sales teams. In couples
counseling, we might even set up competitions between spouses sometimes. A
challenge is something that creates an internal motivation, usually toward a
reward.

Collaboration
The next element of motivating people is collaboration. People are more
motivated when they do not do things in isolation. Isolation brings about
weirdness and problems. Most people do not do well independently, or most
people do not do well with the absence of other people, whether they are
participants, helpers, or observers. We want to figure out when we are trying to
motivate somebody, whether it is a student in a classroom, an executive in the
boardroom, a spouse in a marriage to collaborate with their partner, with other
people, with mentors, with us as a life coach, to stay motivated and to move
toward that which is most important to them.
Control
People want to feel a sense of autonomy, a sense of freedom. One of our
deepest spiritual needs is the ability to feel a sense of freedom, to feel like they
have control over the outcomes and the decisions and the experiences as well
as their emotions and their physical state. Is there anything we can do in our
coaching to foster a sense of control that is going to be super important as
well?
 Chapter 37
Motivational Interviewing

Motivational interviewing is rarely ever taught in NLP training. As a strategy, it

has been around for a couple of decades, but it is proven to be an effective
strategy in moving people toward that which is most important to them. The
people who have taken the course have found it extremely effective and
extremely helpful. They found it to be one of the most helpful components in
helping people make change related to stopping smoking. You will be able to
take these same strategies and apply those to the type of clients you are
working with, even if it is a different type of client.
In this section of the book, I am going to focus on the ideas of
motivational interviewing. I want you to see how it is delivered in a variety of
different healthcare settings.
Motivational interviewing is a particular strategy for eliciting motivation
from an individual, particularly when there's ambivalence present.
I have worked with substance abuse clients for many years, and it seems as
if the nicotine users have the highest level of ambivalence of all. They know
there are health consequences, but they derive a sense of pleasure from the
behavior that they are engaged in.
Nobody smokes cigarettes because they want lung cancer, heart disease,
emphysema, COPD, strokes, complications of pregnancy or impotence, or any
of the other warnings that are on the side of a package of cigarette. They
smoke cigarettes because it meets a legitimate need, maybe at first in the
context of teen peer groups, acceptance, or maybe for socialization. Maybe it is
a stress reliever. In fact, the cigarette smoker is an expert at deep breathing.
Teaching them deep breathing can replace the habitual behavior of
cigarette smoking because the reward for them comes from the deep breaths. I
teach every one of my cigarette smokers breathing techniques. It is one of the
reasons why hypnosis is so effective for cigarette smokers. When we do
progressive muscle relaxation therapy, or we do other forms of hypnotic
induction that incorporate breathing, particularly techniques related to
mindfulness, we find that it often is a way for them to meet their legitimate
needs without the harmful behavior.
But because cigarette smoking, dipping tobacco, or vaping meets a
legitimate need, there is often a lot of ambivalence. They know that there are
dangers to it. Maybe they have even experienced some already, but they are not
ready to give up the rewards yet because of the pleasure or because of the
immediate gratification or the other needs that are met. And so, motivational
interviewing is a specific strategy designed to move people toward a
motivation that is consistent with their core values.
Here is the thing about motivational interviewing in healthcare settings. It
has been adopted as a strategy in nursing and respiratory therapy, counseling,
and physician training. Almost all medical residents are now trained,
particularly in family practice and internal medicine, in motivational
interviewing because the evidence shows that when we use this approach to
communication, we are more likely to elicit a motivation that gives up the
ambivalence and steps into those core values.
Those familiar with NLP are very familiar with the core concept that
rapport building is essential. These strategies from motivational interviewing
are literally the strategies that are the foundation of effective rapport building.
If you have ever had any NLP training or any training in eliciting rapport with
individuals, these can build on your skills and really take them up to the next
level.

O.A.R.S.
The O.A.R.S. model of essential communication has four basic skills.
Open Questions
O stands for O pen questions. Instead of asking questions that have a
yes/no answer or even a numerical answer, they are open-ended questions.
This is important because open-ended questions lead a person to create what,
in NLP or hypnosis, we call a transderivational search. It causes them to create
an internal dialogue, essentially to look within themself for the answer. A
closed question, yes/ no answer, or a numerical number, causes a person to
look outside of themself for an answer.
Anything we do that causes a person to look inside is something that
causes in communication what we call search talk, and in NLP, a
transderivational search. In acceptance and commitment therapy, we might call
this eliciting an individual's core values. Each of these different disciplines is
looking ultimately for the same results, and open-ended questions do that.

Affirmations
The second letter in our acronym stands for A ffirmations. I use
affirmations from the very beginning to the end in all my sessions with my
clients.
Every time I have a new client who comes to my office, I stand up, and I
greet them with a handshake. And I say to them, for example, "Hi, I'm
Richard. Stephanie (my receptionist) told me you were going to be here. I am
really glad that you're here today. I know that you're going to be able to
accomplish great things." I begin with positive suggestions and affirmations.

Reflective Listening
R eflective listening is a strategy where, rather than telling our clients what
they should think or do or feel, we reflect what they think or feel. We become
a mirror to a person so they can see a bigger picture. Reflective listening is a
well-known basic counseling strategy.
When I was in graduate school learning Rogerian therapy, I learned how to
say “uh-huh” (affirmative) and reflect back to a person what I thought I heard
them say. I have kind of mocked Rogerian therapy for its simplistic approach
earlier, but the reality is that training was very, very valuable to me. When we
do not interject our biases, beliefs, values, and experiences, and reflect, we
provide an opportunity again for that transderivational search, for clarification
of values, and for our client to step into a new level of experience and
understanding, so they actually see the bigger picture.

Summarizing
S ummarizing is recapping what it is that we have had presented by the
client through the assessment process, decision-making process, and action
process. Our clients go through this process on a meta-level and micro-level.
On a meta-level or macro-level, they have thought about quitting smoking, and
they have made a call to our office. Now they have taken action, and they have
stepped into our office.  Once they are in my office, I might ask them if they
still have cigarettes or tobacco in their car or their purse. They must make a
decision to give it up. And they must take action and choose to bring those in.
By summarizing, we can help our clients to go through that process and
emerge victoriously.
O.A.R.S. is an acronym that helps us to remember those key
communication strategies. They are effective strategies that we should seek
every opportunity to utilize, whether we are counseling a client, or doing a
hypnosis session, or whether as a respiratory therapist, a nurse, another
medical professional, a teacher, or a minister coaching or consulting.

D.E.A.R.S.
What are the five principles of motivational interviewing? Another
acronym helps us out here.
Develop Discrepancy
The first letter is to D evelop d iscrepancy. In our interview with a client,
we want to help the client begin seeing that what they say and what they do are
different. This is certainly an easy thing to do with smokers. They have a
conscious action that they take, but it is not reconciled with their subconscious
habits, and this is where the frustration over quitting often comes about. One
of the goals of effective intervention is to magnify or develop these
discrepancies so that it causes pain because one of the ways we motivate
clients is not only to pleasure. We can say that by becoming a nonsmoker, the
client will be happy, joyous, and free, but also by avoiding pain. This is
something that we can do by developing discrepancy.
I worked with a grandmother who wanted to quit smoking. She had a
diagnosis of leukemia. She knew that her ability to recover and enjoy the time
that she had left with her only grandson, a two-year-old, was going to be
predicated on quitting smoking, and yet she did not do that. I magnified the
discrepancy between her action of giving in and smoking those cigarettes,
continual relapse, and what it was that she valued most about her time with
her grandson. Through developing those discrepancies between what a person
says and what a person does, I was able to help her step into a successful new
chapter of life.
Express Empathy
E xpressing e mpathy is exceedingly important in any type of human
service—counseling, nursing, etcetera—and is sometimes referred to as
bedside manner.
 I have done thousands of smoking cessation sessions with people over the
years, and it would be effortless for me just to fall into the routine, the habit of
what it is that I always do. Genuineness and empathy are essential. When I was
in graduate school, my professor came into my very first class, and he drew
many things on the board about counseling and the counseling process. And
then, at the bottom, he wrote empathy.
This really tied in with some of the hypnosis training that I received in the
mid-2000s. I have had hypnosis training long before that, but I went to a
course sponsored by the American Counseling Association in Germany. The
title of the course was Advanced Accurate Empathy. Really, it was a
hypnotherapy course. Ernest Rossi was a contemporary of Milton Erickson's
who wrote many books with him, used a metaphor for hypnosis that it is really
belly button to belly button communication. In other words, empathy is, at the
core, the foundation of our ability to build rapport. We find in counseling and
psychotherapy that no matter what approach we use, no matter how clinically
sound it is—and some are more evidence-based than others—clients are more
likely to respond positively than if we use no therapy. The reason why is
simple. King Solomon said it best: As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens
another. The reality is that people respond to other people.
Let me give you an example of smoking cessation. Years ago, there was a
product on the market that was a homeopathic medicine. Without getting into
a debate here, there is no science behind homeopathy. The whole idea of
homeopathy is that we will create antibodies to those things that are dangerous
or bad for us, unhealthy for us, but we create stronger antibodies with the
smallest level of exposure. This is why homeopathic medicines are measured in
10X, 100X, or 1000X, etcetera. And so 1000X of nicotine or tobacco is a
minute amount.
I have a friend who was a Walgreens manager at the time. I asked him what
their best smoking cessation product was. He looked at me and said that,
hands down, they sold more of the cigarette-giver-upper product than
anything else. It was a homeopathic medicine, and people swore by it. They
said they used the cigarette-giver-upper product and quit smoking. Here is
why: It was not because of the science behind homeopathy; it was because a
person made a decision that they were going to quit smoking. They took an
action. They drove to Walgreens. They invested in the product, $50 for the
box of magic pills. They followed the instructions. There was a ritual. Every
seven days, take this, this, and this, and they would be smoke-free. And so,
often, the exact method that we use to help a person quit smoking is really a
ritual to ratify a change that has already taken place with our clients.

Amplify Ambivalence
The third element is to A mplify their a mbivalence. We want to do this so
that we are following things through to their logical absurdity. A
communication technique must have a personal look at two sides of an issue.
What are the benefits of quitting smoking? What are the benefits of remaining
a smoker? This amplifies their ambivalence and brings it to the point of
absurdity where people are often willing to give that up and commit to a
valued path.
Roll with Resistance
The R stands for R oll with r esistance. This is what I really appreciate
about being an Ericksonian hypnotherapist. I do not see anything as being
resistant. In motivational interviewing training, we usually say that if you meet
resistance, it is a telltale sign that you need to respond differently. Everybody
comes to me not the way they could be, should be, or ought to be, but just the
way they are. The effective counselor, the effective hypnotherapist, the
effective coach, the effective minister, community leader, teacher, whoever is
working with an individual, is going to recognize that the client's experience
may not be the same as ours or other people’s that we have worked with. That
rolling with resistance, letting our clients become the best them that they can
be, rather than the best me that they could be, is highly effective.
This may include even sometimes alternating our goals. I had a
schizophrenia client who I worked with, and he was in remission. His
schizophrenia was well-managed by a psychiatrist and medication. He came to
see me. Most schizophrenics are cigarette smokers. Why? Because nicotine as a
drug affects the way that we think. It is a cognitive stimulant that helps people
focus. This is why students use it; it clears minds and helps someone think a
little bit better. A lot of people won't work with a schizophrenic and smoking
cessation because the statistic is that ninety-eight percent of all schizophrenics
smoke.
I worked with him, and he stayed off cigarettes for about eight months.
And then I worked with him again. The next time it was about three months.
Then I worked with him again, and he stayed off cigarettes for about a year. I
continually worked with him, and I did not berate him for failure. There was
no failure. This is what I love about NLP. The first predicate in NLP is there is
no such thing as failure, only feedback. And for a schizophrenic, who has
other mental cognitive disorders going on, it is very important to recognize
that they are not failing, that relapse is often a part of both conditions. We can
create strategies to help them so that we can mitigate the severity of the
relapse or avoid relapse.
I had no problem continuing to work with him over a period of ten years. I
think with many other clients, a therapist might have said since the client had
relapsed five times, it was time for the client to find a new approach, deciding
they could not work with that client because they were not willing to do what
was offered. Maybe that works in traditional chemical dependency treatment,
but not with a schizophrenic client.
We need to recognize that rolling with resistance rather than trying to
break through the power struggle is a strategy that works.
Support Self-Efficacy
The S stands for S upport s elf-efficacy. We want our clients to bring to the
table the solutions that work for them. The suggestions that we make in
hypnotherapy come from the client. The interventions we use in nursing are
the things that our clients bring to the table—in counseling the internal
resources, the psychological coping strategies, the methods of relapse
prevention that have helped them in prior attempts to experience success.
I ask every one of my clients is, "Have you ever quit smoking before?" and
they'll say, for example, "Well, yeah, I quit for thirty days.” “Yes, I even quit for
a year." “See, that's fantastic.” "Yeah, but I blew it. I relapsed," and I validate
that. I say, "No, that's a year you spent not smoking. It was a year of your body
being healthy." I will often let my client know that they did not lose that year
by beginning to smoke.
That is really powerful for them. They did not lose the benefits of that
year. They still have all those benefits. I let them know that if they had the
ability to quit for a year, our question then today is not can you quit smoking,
but how do we extend beyond a year because we know already the client can
do it for at least a year.
The D.E.A.R.S. acronym is a principle of motivational interviewing that
you will find very effective as you develop your skills in creating rapport and
working with individuals.
Motivational Ruler
In motivational interviewing, one of the key concepts is the idea of a
motivational ruler. This really is a Likert scale. A Likert scale is anything we
rate on equal intervals. For example, rate on a scale of one to five, not ready to
change, thinking about changing, undecided, probably want to change, to
ready to change.
I generally use a Likert scale on a scale of one to ten. The reason why the
Likert scale, or what motivational interviewing calls “the readiness to change
ruler,” is important is because it lets a person know that it is not all or nothing
and that there's room for small movement.
I work with a lot of pain control clients, and it is not about getting rid of all
their pain. If you have a chronic pain client or patient who can get rid of
twenty percent of their pain or forty percent of the pain, will that make a
difference in their life? It would make a huge difference in their life. It is the
same thing with ambivalence about smoking. It is the same thing about
readiness to change. If I can increase it just by twenty percent, I can step into a
commitment for lasting change. The readiness to change ruler is a very useful
concept.

Active Listening
This is one of the key components in motivational interviewing as well.
For us, in working with individuals, these are often some of the roadblocks to
success: giving advice, moralizing, making suggestions, or telling them what
they should do or ought to do. People do not want us to “should” on them.
They want us to help them elicit the suggestions that are going to be most
effective for them.
Persuading somebody to become a nonsmoker never works. Let them
know you are available when they are ready. I only work with people who are
highly motivated. This is one of the reasons why I do not do smoking
cessation for free. All my smokers must pay me my full fee. The reason why is
simple. Unless they are willing to do that, they are not willing to make change.
You cannot buy a gift certificate from my office for somebody else to see me
for smoking cessation. The reason why is because they will not be persuaded
with logic and lecturing and arguing.
 Another roadblock for success is disagreeing, criticizing, or blaming a
person. There may be some therapeutic value in this from a provocative
therapy perspective, but only after we already have rapport.
These roadblocks to listening are general principles, but there may be a
therapeutic purpose to use them with some of our clients some of the time.
Shaming, ridiculing, labeling does not work. Even sympathizing with them can
backfire.
Visiting my doctor, the nurse just kept asking me endless, pointless
questions, and it was clear to me the reason why. She had to complete her
written assessment to meet her requirements for documentation. If your
clients ever feel you are merely asking questions to meet a need for
documentation, you have probably ended rapport with that client.
All these things can be roadblocks to listening, as can any other unhealthy
communication pattern. It is important to recognize that motivational
interviewing is about helping a client achieve their very best. We want to
support them by helping them move to and elicit their highest level of
functioning.
Am I Doing This Right?
This comes from an informational guide on Motivational Interviewing
from Case Western Reserve University. Case Western Reserve University is
also known for asset-based community development and studying this as a
tool for changing communities.
This guide, though, is about encouraging Motivational Change. The eleven
points are either/ors or the two sides to help us understand if our
communication really is fitting within the context of a motivational model.
We can spend the rest of our life building the skills of effective
motivational interviewing, but this single guide from Case Western Reserve
University is particularly useful.

1. Do I listen more than I talk? Or am I talking more than I listen?

2. Do I keep myself sensitive and open to this person's issues, whatever they
might be? Or am I talking about what I think the problem is?
 3. Do I invite this person to talk about and explore his/her own ideas for
change? Or am I jumping to conclusions and possible solutions?
Sometimes we do this, not because we are a careless communicator, but
because we are trying to shorten the time. We need to recognize that in
scheduling clients, we need to give them ample time.
I typically spend between an hour and an hour and a half with a new client in a
first session. I never schedule new clients in blocks of time that are less than
two hours. I want to make sure that I have ample time. If I have time between
clients, that is fine with me. I can do something productive. But it helps me to
avoid jumping to conclusions to shorten the process because I am pressed for
time.

4. Do I encourage the person to talk about his or her reasons for not
changing? We can learn as much about a client by asking them what
benefit they would get from not changing, where we only force them to
talk about change.
5. Do I ask permission to give my feedback? Or do I just presume that the
ideas that I have are what they need to hear or want to hear?
6. Do I reassure this person that ambivalence to change is normal? Or am I
telling them, pushing them to take an action or a solution that may be
ahead of time for them? Working through the ambivalence is a big part of
that pre-talk in our initial interview and assessment with a new client.  
7. Do I help a person to identify successes and challenges from his or her
past and relate them to present change efforts? Or am I encouraging him
or her to ignore or get stuck on old stories? I am not much of a Freudian.
I am not interested in doing regression work with clients. I have them
talk to me about their previous experiences so that we can move forward
and avoid being stuck on old stories, or we talk about prior events only so
they can learn what worked for them.
8. Do I seek to understand this person? I really enjoy my clients. I love
working with them. Or do I spend a lot of time trying to get them to
understand me and my ideas? How would you know that? Look at your
brochure or your website. Is it about you and your credentials and how
awesome you are? Or is it about the solutions that they can find when
they come to see you? Your clients really do not care about you. What
 they care about is them. I can tell you how good a therapist is by what
content they have on their website.
9. Do I summarize for this person what I am hearing? Or am I just
summarizing what I think? They are two different things.
10. Do I value this person's opinion more than my own? Or am I giving
more value to my viewpoint?
11. Do I remind myself that this person is capable of making his or her own
choices? Or am I assuming that he or she is not capable of making good
choices? I see this a lot with individuals who are considering nicotine
replacement therapy or other alternative approaches from laser therapy to
homeopathic medicine. Although I questioned homeopathic medicine
earlier, if I had a client who came to my office who said they were going
to use the quit smoking homeopathic medicine, it is not going to hurt
them. I am probably not going to decide that that is an issue for me to
prove my rightness.
Hopefully, this can help you to understand how to encourage motivation
by change.
 Chapter 38
Anchoring

The idea of hypnotic anchoring comes from the metaphor of a boat’s anchor.
If a boat sits in the harbor, it casts an anchor, and that anchor holds the boat
in that place.
In NLP, we use the term for doing something, setting an anchor that
usually elicits a positive resource state or a set of strategies. It is important to
know that most of what we do in coaching and NLP comes from real-world
experiences. I have always said that hypnosis and hypnotic living is not about
doing anything to clients. It is about eliciting from within that is the NLP
strategy—eliciting the resources that already exist. You and every one of the
clients you have ever worked or ever will work with are already the anchoring
expert. What do I mean by that? You probably have a treasured item at home,
and when you come across that treasured item, whether it is put away in a
closet or whether displayed on a shelf, it instantly elicits a positive resource
state, or else you probably would not be holding onto it all of these years.
For me, it is my shrimp boat. When I was around ten years old, my dad
sent me a wooden shrimp boat. He died shortly after that, and it is one of the
few things I have from him. Every time I run across that shrimp boat, it
instantly brings back a positive resource state or a feeling or sensation. I
immediately associate it with the joy of getting that shrimp boat when I was a
kid because back then, it was awesome to get packages in the mail.
A mother's kiss is another example of anchoring. The kid hurts themself,
and we offer to kiss the hurt—the mother's healing kiss. We have that
anchoring strategy that we learned when we were little kids.
In sales, we anchor product satisfaction. Every slogan that a company has
is the desire to associate a resource state, something positive, with the
company's name or with the product or service that they offer. This is what
branding and advertising are all about. It is all about anchoring: the color, the
look, the sound. Your T-Mobile telephone rings a certain way. Your AT&T
telephone rings a certain way. Your Sprint telephone rings a certain way. Your
Cellular One cell phone rings a certain way.
 We are anchored to these things. The “You’ve Got Mail” message that we
used to get on America Online to the “like” that we get on Facebook are all
anchors. Facebook has a billion-plus people with an account, largely because
of positive reinforcement, because of anchoring. It has been proven that we
love the like.
When a boy meets a girl, decisions are going to be made as to whether this
relationship is going to make any progress. Whether or not they decide to stay
in a relationship with this person might revolve around what they have
anchored in their beliefs about finances, or their job, or their physical health
and wellness. More attractive people do not necessarily look prettier but often
carry the anchors of what we associate with in evolutionary biology, the ability
to procreate, to make more people. It is hardwired into us to have anchored
those beliefs or judgments.
We have negative anchors as well. Post-traumatic stress disorder may have
anchored a non-resourceful state to a sound or anchored a non-resourceful
state to a physical sensation or anchored a non-resourceful state to an
emotion. Somebody who grew up in an abusive home with an abusive parent
yelling at them has likely anchored conflict with a non-resourceful state. Even
though the parents are dead and gone, maybe it has been fifty years since this
occurred, when somebody, or their spouse, starts yelling at them in a public
place or in the place of employment, the individual is anchored to the fear that
they have, and they over-respond in the context of this situation. Over-
response might have kept them safe in the previous situation, but then
mapped out across, it becomes non-resourceful to them.
Anchoring is something that we all do naturally.
In NLP, we will be working with folks to help them create positive,
resourceful anchors. These can be anchors of a physical feeling such as
relaxation or confidence. It could be a physical feeling related to comfort
rather than pain, such as a sound. Maybe we want to anchor something to a
sound. Maybe for somebody who is distressed by the busyness of life, we
suggest, “Every time over the next couple of weeks when you hear that phone
ring, it will be a recognition to you that opportunity lies on the other end.” We
can start anchoring positive resources to the things that have been distracting
to them in the past.
We can anchor to a sight, something they see. John Cerbone is famous in
stage hypnosis for his red pen. “And when you open your eyes, you're going to
see my red pen. A smile is going to come on your face, and you're going to
laugh like an eight-year-old kid.” And so, he gives that person that anchor.
When the show is over, he shows them the red pen. A smile comes on their
face, and they laugh.
When I was a kid, my youth pastor at church used to say, "Every time you
see a UPS truck, remember that Jesus loves you." Even now, when I still see a
UPS truck, a smile comes on my face because I had positive experiences in
youth group, and it brings that to mind.
We can anchor something to a sight, to a sound, to a sensation, to an
emotion, to a belief. These occur naturally in life, but we can also elicit them in
NLP.
 Here are the steps we would use to elicit a resource state and anchor it:

1. Fully Access Desired State

Let’s say I am coaching a client, and I want to elicit happiness. I have the client
fully access the state that they would like to experience.
Take a moment. Close your eyes down for just a minute and bring yourself to
a state of happiness. I do not know if you have had a happy day or if you have
had a bad day, but you have experienced happiness. You know what happiness
is.
Allow yourself, at least at this moment, to set aside any regrets of the past or
fears of the future and let yourself at this moment just breathe in and breathe
out and sense the feeling of happiness.
Notice what that feeling of happiness is like. What does that feel like in your
body, in your mind, in your spirit? What does happiness sound like? What does
happiness look like? What are the submodalities of happiness when you are
happy? If you were to move to a second perceptual position and watch you
becoming happy, what would you be seeing?

2. Amplify State
Now go ahead and amplify that. Move your happiness up the scale of
happiness. Move it to a level 5, 6, 7, all the way up to an 8, 9, or 10. Imagine
you have a dial that controls happiness in front of you, and you can turn that
dial up. Go ahead and reach out. Put your hand out in the air and turn that dial
up. Crank it up to a 10. Notice the smile on your face, the sensation, and the
feeling of being happy.

3. Fire Anchor
And now, I will snap my fingers. And with each snap of my fingers, allow
yourself to notice what it is like to be as happy as you possibly can.

4. Neutral State
Now go ahead and open your eyes. Take in a breath. Allow yourself to return
to what I referred to earlier as a saltine state or a neutral state. Get your neutral
state back.

5. Fire Anchor (T.O.T.E.)

And now check. Notice. Close your eyes down. [Snap fingers.] Notice. Did it
bring you back to the happiness that you just created just a moment ago? Is
there a smile on your face? Open your eyes if your eyes aren’t open yet.
In hypnosis, we often use a simple anchor with a thumb and index finger. My
client will fully access the state, the joy of being a nonsmoker. They will
amplify that state. Imagine what that is like to finally have achieved their goal.
Ask them to notice what that commitment level is. Before we start, I ask my
client to touch their index finger and thumb together. They can just let it lay
on their lap.
Go ahead. Touch that thumb and index finger together now, having made that
decision to put cigarettes behind you forever. Now our session is over. Go
ahead and open your eyes.
I usually give this as a post-hypnotic suggestion, but after the session is over as
well.
Anytime in the next day or two or three, or a week or two or three, or even the
next year or two or three, if a thought crosses your mind or the sensation of
withdrawal crosses your mind, touch that thumb and index finger together.
Just squeeze it together for a moment and bring yourself back to this resource
state that you have created here. And notice the craving disappears.
I have had a lot of my smoking clients come back to me in session number
two and say to me, with a big smile on their face, telling me they have been
touching their thumb and index finger together. The reason why is because
anchoring is a strategy we learn when we are kids, one way or another, that we
take into our adult worlds. Neuro-linguistic programming and life coaching use
this as a strategy to elicit positive responses, to help people increase their
acuity in auditory, visual, and kinesthetic responses creating new associations
and new patterns that can really support any change they are trying to make.
 SECTION THREE

Classic NLP Patterns

Neuro-linguistic programming patterns are the distilled processes for making

change. These can be used as tools in personal growth or problem solving, and
professional coaches can use these patterns to guide a client into change.
 One: The Swish Pattern

The NLP Swish Pattern is my starting point, not because it is the most
important pattern but because it is the pattern that almost everybody has
heard of. I rarely meet any counselors or professional hypnotists who, no
matter how little NLP they have studied, do not know about the Swish
Pattern. They may not know what it is or how to apply it, but they have heard
of the Swish Pattern.  
It is recognized by seeing somebody pointing to something and saying
swish. What they are doing is they are swishing one visual image into another
visual image. The pattern is fun because, in addition to just thinking, there is
the action of pointing, swishing, and visualizing. Although this does not have
to be a visual image, it could be altering one sound into another sound or one
feeling―either physical or emotional―into another physical or emotional state.
In working with a lot of individuals who deal with post-traumatic stress
disorder, a Swish Pattern is something I have used with a number of clients
who have reported intrusive and distressing images at recollections.    We can
use the Swish Pattern not only with clients who have a diagnosis of a
psychiatric disorder like PTSD but with anyone who struggles with excessive
thoughts. For example, people who are pathological gamblers have excessive
thoughts.
I also work with a lot of people who are unhappy in their personal
relationships. They do not feel like they are getting what they want or what
they are owed out of a personal relationship. Then they have catastrophic
images about that other person with whom they are in a
relationship.    Distressing images can paralyze us emotionally and even at a
physical level. It can even be situational images. For example, let’s say that I
have a boss who I just can’t stand, and as a result of the abuse that I seem to
have to take at the office or the factory or wherever I work, I feel defeated,
depressed, and miserable. Driving to work, I experience mental images of how
awful it is going to be when I walk in the door of the workplace.  
 I am a big believer that wherever we put our attention is what we end up
creating.  Nothing ever existed without being a thought first.
The mental images that people create in their minds are the mental images
they step into every day in life. To a large extent, we program ourselves
through our visual images, but the subconscious automatic visual images that
we reinforce through negative experiences often become the predominant
forces in our life.
The Swish Pattern is a technique that can help us take those intrusive
mental pictures, those distressing mental pictures, those self-defeating mental
pictures you are going to defeat, and develop a process that can alter that
mental imagery. I call this changing our mental channel .
I have often offered to a client who tells me that they are depressed to take
an index card, and some markers, or some colored pencils, and, over five
minutes, simply draw an image or picture of what happiness looks like to
them. They may tell me that they don’t ever feel happy. And I will ask them,
“When you did feel happy, or if you did feel happy, what would it look like?” I
have never had a client yet say that they couldn’t do it.
Some of them create simple drawings.  They draw a picture with the sun
sticking out in the corner with some rays sticking out. Or they draw a stick
figure of themself with somebody else or with a stick dog or something very
basic.
The reason why I have them do it on an index card is simple. What I tell
them to do is to take that index card and put it in their shirt pocket or tape it
to a computer monitor or the dashboard in their car or carry it around in their
side pocket or their purse or tape it to the bathroom mirror, wherever they
think would be valuable to them. And whenever they find themself being
aware of intrusive, distressing, depressing mental pictures, use that index card
almost like the remote control of their TV to change their mental imagery, and
pull out that card and look at it.  That is really the same assignment that I have
done in therapy as the Swish Pattern.
Here is the way the Swish Pattern works:
The Swish Pattern is a simple and effective technique for helping clients
instantly replace a negative visual image with a positive image. The goal is to
reduce anxiety, put some space between them and their thoughts, create
emotional stability, and help achieve a sense of calm because these distressing
images can often be anxiety-producing and powerful to them.
There are five stages to the process that I guide my clients through when I
demonstrate or utilize the Swish Pattern with them.
Here are the five steps:
• Step 1 —
Think of the
distressing
mental image
which has
been
bothersome
—a place, a
state, an
experience—
that keeps
haunting
them or that
they are afraid
that they
might have.
Ask them to
think of it
and have
them describe
the
submodalities.
“What does
that picture
look like? Is it
near or far? Is
it colorful? Is
it black and
white? Is it
focused or
unfocused?”
Have them
d ib i
 describe in
detail the
mental image
that distresses
them.
• Step 2 —
Create the
opposite of
that image and
describe it in
as much detail
as possible
and again
using those
submodalities.
“Is it near or
far, is it
colorful, or
not colorful, is
it hazy, fuzzy,
is it crystal
clear, is it
painted, is it
drawn?”
”What do you
hear when you
look at that
picture?”  “Do
you hear
others
talking?” “Do
you hear
yourself
talking?” We
can bring
kinesthetics
into it if we
want to. For
example,
“When you
 When you
look at that
picture, how
do you feel?”
“Do you feel
light?” “Do
you feel
heavy?” “Is it
harsh or
soft?” ”Is it
violent?” “Is it
calm?” “Is it
ugly?” “Is it
pretty?”
• We create two
mental images: the
mental image that
is easy for them to
create as to what
they have either
experienced or
what they fear they
are going to
experience or what
they are currently
experiencing.  Next,
I have them create
a mental descriptor
—a picture that is
in their own mind
the antithesis of
that. Most of the
time, I ask them to
do this with the
eyes closed. The
reason is it is easier
to create mental
pictures when our
eyes are closed, and
we are not looking
 we are not looking
at things in the
room.  
• Step 3 —
Have them
open their
eyes and ask
them
questions.
“What
triggers that
negative
image?”
They may
respond, for
example,
“Every time
I get in my
car and
head to
work, as
soon as I’m
around the
corner and I
have a half a
mile before
I get to the
factory
entrance,
my doubts
and pictures
come into
place.” “Or
is it an
emotion?”
“Every time
I feel sad, I
have this
mental
image of me
image of me
being lonely
on the
beach
without my
girlfriend or
boyfriend”
(whomever
it is that the
person is
relating to
experiencing
an absence
of). Maybe
it is a song.
Every time
you hear the
Eric
Clapton
song Tears in
Heaven ,
does that
instantly
produce a
response? A
lot of our
life
experiences
are a result
of natural
reoccurring
hypnotic
phenomena.
We associate
that with
something,
and as soon
as we hear
the first
note or two,
 ,
we
dissociate
from the
real world
around us
and are
transported
to our own
mental
images. I
ask, “What
triggers that
distressing
image, the
one that
bothers
you?”
• Step 4
—I ask
them to
close
their eyes
again.
And
imagine
that the
negative
image is
on a big
screen in
front of
them.
They are
looking
at it, and
they are
able to
see it.    I
have
 them
imagine
that off
in the
lower
left-hand
corner a
postage
stamp
size
image of
the
positive
picture
or the
preferred
scene.  
• With their
eyes
closed, I
have them
imagine
that
position,
the tiny
image that
is positive
or the
preferred
scene with
giant visual
imagery of
the
distressing
image, and
then I have
them point
and put
their finger
 on that
tiny
postage
stamp. Like
a tablet or
a computer
touch
screen, I
have the
client
simply
swish and
swish across
the mental
screen of
that
postage
stamp size
image,
expanding
it and
completely
obliterating
the
negative
mental
image.
• Step 5 —
Next, I ask
my client to
make a
swish
sound
when they
go across
the
touchpad
of their
own life. It
can
sometimes
feel silly,
but it is
kind of fun
doing that,
and it
brings a
little bit of
levity to
what is
usually a
very serious
situation
for some.  I
have them
swish one
image into
another and
do that a
couple of
times, and
each time
make a
swish
sound.  The
reason why
is so they
can see
how simple,
how easy it
would be to
instantly
replace one
mental
image with
another
image.
There is a
positive
 positive
image
hiding right
at their
fingers in
the lower
left-hand
corner that
they can
swish into
and over
the larger
distressing
mental
image.
• When my
clients do that,
they are
instantly
switching a set
of
submodalities
and
representational
systems for
another set of
representational
systems and
submodalities.
It instantly
alters their
physiology. I
can see their
skin change—a
sign of trance. I
can see the eyes
sometimes
move quickly,
or I can
sometimes see
sometimes see
a smile come
across their
face. It is
interesting and
powerful to see
how effective
this is.    Then I
have the client
open their eyes
but continue to
think about
that positive
image, which
has replaced
the negative
image for a
couple of
moments. And
usually, without
saying anything,
I will just
simply sit with
them for a
moment and let
them
experience that
positive
image.  
 Two: Ecology Check Pattern

We will focus on what I think is an essential NLP pattern that every NLP
practitioner needs to know. That is the Ecology Check Pattern.  
It can be utilized as a stand-alone intervention, but it can also be used at
the end of another pattern to make sure that things are congruent for the
client.  If a client comes into your office, decided to make a change, and leave
with the belief that they have made that change, but there is an incongruency
within them, that is where our client ends up smoking between sessions or
eating a giant box of chocolates or not getting on a plane.  The Ecology Check
Pattern is one of the most useful but often overlooked NLP patterns, and I
utilize it with almost all the clients I work with. It is also something we can use
before a client goes into a process of change.
The reason why we would do this before a client goes into a process of
change rather than after a process of change is to make sure that what we are
changing is actually broken.  In other words, If it ain't broke, don't fix it. A lot of
therapy, particularly traditional counseling and traditional psychotherapy, is just
about fixing. We are looking for problems that are not problems with the
client, but we think need fixing.
Suppose I have a client that is going through a very big change like
becoming sober or getting divorced or some other big life change like going
back to graduate school. In that case, it can be a very useful strategy to help a
person to achieve their greatest level of potential and find out whether or not
the proposed change would be beneficial to them.  

Steps in the Ecology Check Pattern:

• Step 1 —
Allow the
client to
associate
fully into the
present
 present,
having a
mindful
experience,
mindfully
experiencing
life as it is at
this moment.
In almost all
our
therapeutic
coaching and
hypnosis
work, staying
in the
present as
much as
possible is
advantageous
to the client.
I almost
always want
to begin
every process
with a
mindful
awareness of
the present
—a non-
judgmental,
non-shaming
awareness
and
experience of
being
present.
• I often do
an
informal
trance with
trance with
their eyes
closed
after an
induction
or
progressive
muscle
relaxation
induction,
or some
other form
of
induction.
Or I can
do an
Ecology
Check
Pattern
without a
formal
induction.
I just ask
my clients
in the
second
step to
close their
eyes and
identify the
proposed
change.
“What
change is it
that you
would like
to make?”
For
example,
they may
 they may
respond
they would
like to go
back to
graduate
school, get
divorced,
quit
smoking,
whatever
change it
is. The
second
step is
simple:
Identify
and
describe
that
proposed
change.
• Step 2 —
In this
step, I
want to
move the
client into
a second
or a third
perceptual
position
so the
client can
observe
themself
from
outside of
themself
as if they
 y
have
already
made the
changes.
It is one
of the
valuable
things
about the
perceptual
position
process.
• Step 3 — In
this step, I
interact with
my clients by
exploring
the
proposed
change,
asking
questions.  A
lot of new
hypnotists
wonder what
happens if I
talk to my
client when
they are in a
trance. They
will talk to
you.
Everybody
is always in
trance.
• What we do
is utilize
naturally
occurring
 occurring
trance
states, and
these can
occur while
we are
talking.  You
can speak to
a client
anytime you
want
to.    “What
are your
limitations
on making
this
change?”
“How do
you feel
when you
think about
making the
change?”
“Do you
like or
dislike that
change?”
• Here is a
recognized
question
that comes
from
Solution-
Focused
Brief
Therapy:
How will
you know
if you’re
successful
 in making
the
change?  It
is a really
important
question.
“What will
it feel like
to you?”
“What will
it look
like?”
“How
would you
represent
that?”
• That is
one of the
ways we
can
actually set
goals in
therapy in
coaching,
counseling,
and
hypnosis
by
knowing
how a
client
would
define
success if
there were
to
experience
it.  
• Step 4 —
 Step 4
And then, in
the classic
NLP
pattern,
Ecology
Check, we
go into what
is called
Cartesian
Coordinates.
There are
four
Cartesian
questions:
What will
happen if
you do [fill
in the
blank]?
What won’t
happen if
you do [fill
in the
blank]?
What will
happen if
you don’t do
[fill in the
blank]?
What won't
happen if
you don’t
[fill in the
blank]?
• Consider
whether it
will help the
client
explore
 p
from
several
different
perspectives
the
meaning of
the change
that they
are about to
undertake.
• Step 5 — This
step in the
process is to then
make a decision
—to pursue
change or to stay
the same.  This is
the Ecology
Check.    We can
add, “Are you
congruent with
this?” “You have
made that
decision, or you
are ready to take
action on it and
move into
another process?”
“Do you feel
comfortable with
that?” “Are you
accepting of
that?” Sometimes,
we are not happy
about the
decision we are
ready to
make.  Sometimes
we can only feel
 y
accepting about
the decision we
have to make.
 Three: Creating a Resource State

As a clinical hypnotherapist and as a counselor, the resource state is the most

frequently used pattern in my work.
It is the most frequently used pattern because people often come to see me
for emotional issues—issues related to anxiety, depression, or anger.    Those
states are uncomfortable. In many cases, these are not resourceful to a person,
and instead, they would like to feel or create the antithesis of that.  For angry
clients, it is often calm. For anxious clients, it is often a state of being able to
accomplish something—channeling that anxiety into a resource state of stick-
to-it-iveness where they get things done, or a state where they can excel, a state
of acceleration. For depressed clients, it is often obvious, coming feeling
depressed, but they would like to feel happy.
As a public speaker who does training and consul ng with individuals to
help them achieve their highest level of poten al, I o en work with those
who have a fear of public speaking. They say that it is one of the most
prevalent phobias or fears that people have, and that resource state that I
try to help them elicit when they step up to the podium to give that speech
or presenta on is a resource state of confidence.
I also do a lot of sports performance hypnosis. When I do sports
performance work, I am trying to help athletes to achieve a resource state that
is sometimes described as the zone .    A professional golfer, a professional
baseball player, or any top athlete will be using some conscious resource state
to achieve their greatest level of potential.
A professional baseball player does not grab the bat and say, “Okay, I need
to be three degrees to the left, and my vision needs to be over here.”    Yes,
those things are important, but those things are done subconsciously; they are
done automatically. That is being in the zone .
The resource state for that top-performing athlete where every action that
needs to take place both physically as well as posture and power comes
automatically from within through repetitive practice and commitment to not
only muscle memory but also to subconscious memory. That resource state
that they are describing is often the zone.
There is a particular platitude or saying that is pretty valuable: “You have
the same pants to get glad in that you have to get mad in.” In other words, we
always have total control over how we feel and the resource states that are
available to us.
If we need to access a resource state, whether it is competency, confidence,
happiness, or stick-to-itiveness, or any other resource state, we have the ability
right now and right here at all times to create that resource state.
Neuro-linguistic programming really focuses on helping people to develop
the skills or the patterns necessary to elicit a resource state at any time, any
place, anywhere. This is really a nine-step process that we can guide a client
through.    These nine steps can take place in mere seconds once a client has
rehearsed the process.
Here are the nine steps that we would utilize to guide a client:
• Step 1 —
First, we
have them
sit next to
us or across
from us and
elicit a
neutral
state. Bring
them to a
place where
they are not
feeling the
depth of
depression
or the highs
of
happiness
—just a
neutral
state.    I
refer to this
often with
my clients
as a mental
saltine. It is
not really
feeling
anything,
not even
feeling
ambivalent.
It is being
present
without
really
having any
thought or
concern
about
whether we
are
achieving
goals or not
achieving
goals—just
be there.  It
is a state of
being
present or
maybe even
waiting.
This is a
state that in
NLP we
often hear
referred to
as “break
the state.”
H e
Have a
mental
saltine,
return to
normal,
whatever
that
baseline is,
but we have
our client
elicit a
neutral
state, just
being
present and
with us. No
pressure, no
judgment.
This is
something
we can
borrow
from
mindfulness
and bring
into our
NLP: The
idea of just
having
thoughts,
having
feelings,
and having
sensations
without
judgment
and without
determining
what those
mean and
 mean and
what
actions we
should take.
• Step 2 —
Now that
our client
has elicited
a neutral
state, we
have the
client
identify a
preferred
state—for
example,
confidence,
stick-to-
itiveness, or
happiness.
A lot of
clients
know what
they would
like to elicit
or create
because, in
the past,
they have
experienced
that.    Even
though in
this
situation
they do not
have
confidence,
they
recognize
they have
 they have
experienced
confidence
in other
situations
or
scenarios.  
• Step 3 —
If our client
has
experienced
this
resource
state
before,
what I will
try to do is
revivify it
and bring
them in the
present
back to that
state that
they
experienced
in the past.
• If the client
cannot
revivify or
go back to
creating a
state that
they have
experienced
in the past,
then have
them elicit a
similar state
that they
have
 have
experienced
before. Or
bring them
to an almost
second
perceptual
point
position to a
vantage
point of an
observer
where they
can see
themself
experiencing
what it is
that they
would like
to
experience
as this
resource
state.
• Step 4 —
Have the
client fully
associate into
that resource
state they
summoned.
Bring them
to a physical
experience of
that resource
state. If
confidence
has erect
posture,
bring them to
bring them to
that state.
Use
submodalities
to describe
the aspects of
each of the
senses as they
are
experiencing
this resource
state. For
example, if
confidence
has an
emotion of
power, bring
them to that
emotion of
power. Ask
them what
they are
feeling,
hearing,
seeing, and
sensing. Even
spiritual
needs are felt
through a
sense of
security or
significance,
two of our
very most
basic spiritual
needs. When
the client
feels a state
of
confidence,
 have them
really identify
that and fully
associate into
that state
feeling and
not only
feeling but
being that
resource state
that they
would like to
develop.
• Step 5 — This
step is for
verifying with
them, checking
with them. You
might ask, “Are
you able to
attain, at least
at some level, a
basic level, an
experience of
that resource
state?”  Ninety-
nine percent of
clients will say
yes by the time
we have gotten
to this
step.    Because
we are talking
and working
with the client,
we are going to
get to this
point if they
have actually
 been able to, at
some level or
not, experience
it. If not, then
go back to step
three and
revivify if they
were not able
to attain the
state. Have the
client move to
that outside
observer
perspective or
borrow from
other people.
• Neuro-
linguistic
programming
is about
exemplars. It
is perfectly
okay and is
the heart of
NLP to tell
the client
that other
people are
experiencing
this. They
may respond,
“That’s what
I wish that I
could
experience
also.” “Well,
really, what is
that?
Describe
h ” A d
 that.”    And
that is the
heart of this
step.
• Step 7 —
Now that
we have
verified
with the
client that
they are
able to, at
least on
some
level,
attain the
resource
state, then
in this
step, we
go
through a
process of
amplifying
it. You
have seen
a Likert
scale
where, for
example,
you rate
on a scale
of one to
five how
much you
enjoyed
the food
served. 1
— It was
f l 2
 awful, 2
— It was
just a little
bit awful,
3 — It
was
average, 4
— It was
decent,
and 5 —
It was
totally
awesome.
• With my
clients, I
usually use a
scale of one
to ten. I
want to
amplify
from one,
just the
experience,
or a two or
three for
their
starting
point, all the
way up to
the highest
level of
experiencing
a resource
state.
Amplify it
to a level
eight or
nine or all
the way to
the top to
 the top to a
level ten.
• When the
client is in this
state (a level
ten), they are
feeling
fantastic. It is
a resource
state that is
available to
them, not only
in this session
but one that
they can take
with them. It
is a to-go
order, if you
will, in
NLP.    We are
going to make
it possible to
take this
resource state
to go so that
they do not
have to come
back into our
office every
time they need
to experience
it.    This is
what I think
really
separates the
NLP
practitioner,
life coach, and
clinical
hypnotherapist
 hypnotherapist
from many
modalities of
counseling and
psychotherapy.
Often in
counseling and
psychotherapy,
we help clients
to attain these
states in the
office, but we
do not teach
them how to
take it to go.
• Step 8 —
Coaching, NLP,
and
hypnotherapy
really are all
about
equipping the
clients to no
longer need us.
We know we
are doing our
job well when
our clients no
longer come
back. The way
you do that in
this step is to
create an
anchor or to
simply create a
post-hypnotic
suggestion. A
post-hypnotic
suggestion
might be “And
might be, And
when you step
up to the
podium where
you’re going to
be giving your
speech, bring
yourself back to
this resource
state that
you’ve created
here
today.”    We
could anchor it.
Let’s just take
classic
anchoring.
“Touch your
thumb and
index finger
together.
Before it is
your turn to
speak, right
before the last
speaker is done,
touch your
thumb and
index finger
together, press
them together,
feel that
tension there
and then
release that
tension.  Notice
a wave of calm
come over you,
replacing any
anxiety with a
 y
sense of
confidence.”
• We can use
any variety
of
anchoring
or post-
hypnotic
suggestions
to give our
clients the
ability to
take the
resource
state they
have
created in
the office
with
them.    In
my
hypnosis
patter,
what I
often say
to my
clients is
this, “This
state is not
one that
I’ve created
for you but
one rather
you have
created
here. And
because it
is one that
you have
 y
created
from
within you,
you will
always have
this
resource
state with
you, and
you can
take it with
you
anytime,
anywhere
and access
it anytime
that it’s
needed.”
• Step 9 —
This step is a
form of an
Ecology
Check. You
can do this
with the eyes
open or with
the eyes
closed after
the work is
done or
during the
work—either
way is fine.
The Ecology
Check can be
the complete
process that
we went
through
 before, or it
can be an
abbreviated
format. “Is
this good for
you?” “Is
this going to
be useful to
you?” “Is
there
something
else that we
need to
accomplish?”
“Is there
something
we need to
add to it?”  
• This is really an
NLP pattern
that is very
similar to
something that
I have always
done in
counseling.  My
clients come to
me often and
say, “But I can’t
be happy. I’m
not
happy.”    And
then I ask
them, “Have
you ever been
happy
before?”    And
they say, “Well,
I was a long
 time ago.” I tell
my clients to
bring in
pictures or a
family photo
album. They
bring them in,
and I look
through the
pictures and
pointing to
specific photos,
I ask if they
were happy
here? Or
indicate,
“Here’s one
where you look
happy.” “Yeah,
well, I was
happy then.”
Then I say,
“Great! If you
had the
capacity to be
happy then,
there is the
capacity within
you to be
happy    in the
present time.”
• Being able to
create a
resource
state by using
revivification,
creating a
resource
state by
l ki
looking at
others, and
coveting
what they
possess as far
as emotional
or spiritual,
or physical
resources is
something
that we can
do with our
clients.
 Four: Six-Step Reframe

This is based on the process of the Six-Step Reframe that Richard Bandler and
John Grinder wrote about in their NLP text Frogs into Princes . Since this was
one of the earlier publications in the field of NLP, it has been one of the most
widely taught and most widely used patterns in NLP. It is one of my favorites,
and you will find it to be very valuable.  The idea of reframing things is not an
idea that is unique to NLP. Many different therapeutic modalities have
certainly used that. This is certainly not exclusive to therapy or coaching. We
gain new understandings and new perspectives on things and see things from a
different vantage point and come to new conclusions all the time.
R.D. Laing was a famed psychiatrist. One of his famous quotes was, “All
madness has meaning.”    In other words, no matter how crazy somebody’s
behavior is, there is always something valuable in that behavior for them.
Bandler and Grinder recognized this early on. If a client smokes cigarettes,
for example, there is a part of them that finds smoking cigarettes valuable even
though we all know that cigarette smoking is unhealthy.
We all know that cigarette smoking is incredibly unhealthy from a number
of different perspectives. Everybody knows that cigarette smoke is unhealthy
for them. There is not really anybody who does not have that knowledge, but
people smoke anyway.
People do this with all kinds of things in life. They know that yelling in
their relationship causes them more grief, or more problems, or more stress
than if they did not yell.  And yet, every time they get angry, they yell. There is
a part of the unconscious mind and probably part of the conscious mind that
finds value in what R.D. Laing referred to as madness. There is meaning in all
of the unhealthy behaviors that we do.
If you talk to any cigarette smoker about why they smoke cigarettes and
ask them what it does for them, they will come up with a wide variety of
different answers. For some, it physically helps them feel a sense of control.
For some, it is an appetite suppressant; they believe it helps them control their
weight. For other clients, it is a break, a break from the stress of the day, five
minutes of really experiencing serenity, even enjoying outside, out in the smoke
hole, rather than the stress of the cubicle or wherever they are.
When I ask clients to focus on the reasons why they smoke, there are
almost always some very valid reasons. The Six-Step Reframe recognizes that
there is a part of us that finds value in our unhealthy behaviors. And it asks the
subconscious mind to identify the alternative ways of meeting those very same
legitimate needs.
For example, is there an alternative way to experience calm and serenity
and commune with nature, other than to go outside to the smoke hole to
smoke a cigarette? Is there a different way to feel a sense of control in this
relationship other than to yell and rage at somebody? Is there a different way
to feel physically full rather than eat an entire box of chocolates? The answer is
yes.  
This is a behaviorally focused NLP process because so much of our
behavior is automatic. When we go through life, we do not think to ourselves,
Do I put the right foot or the left foot in the pants first?   We don’t think to ourselves,
How do you drive a car? Do you turn the key, then use the steering wheel and back up, or do
you back up a little bit, then turn the steering wheel?     We do all these things
automatically, subconsciously. There are many things you need to know how to
do, a lot of tasks in safely driving a car. We do not drive a car with a conscious
mind. It was Milton Erickson who said he would not want a New York taxi
driver who was not in a state of trance. Why? Because the conscious mind
cannot possibly put all these things in order, but the subconscious mind can
do that.  
The flip side of that is that our subconscious mind, to meet legitimate
needs, often goes to the unhealthy behaviors we have established in many
different areas of life. The Six-Step Reframe helps us identify alternatives to
these automatic coping strategies and choose to elicit those instead in the same
situations. It is a reframe of the behavioral strategies that we have to live life.
I have broken it up into these six steps:  
• Step 1 —
Select a
behavior
to change
 to change.
For
example,
to stop
raging,
stop eating
boxes of
chocolates,
stop
smoking,
stop
shaking, or
feeling a
sense of
physical
anxiety
when
clients
must talk
to people,
or
whatever
it is.
• Step 2 —
Have the client
close their eyes.
Establish
communication
with that part
of the
subconscious
mind that
creates the
unwanted
behavior. You
can simply say
to the person
as their eyes
are closed to
access that part
 access that part
of the mind
that creates
that unwanted
behavior; that
part of the
mind that
reaches for a
cigarette or
eats too many
chocolates, or
that part of the
mind that
begins to rage
when you’re
talking to
somebody you
love.    Almost
all my clients
are able to
identify that
part of the
mind.
• Step 3 —
Elicit from
them a
positive
intention
that is
coming from
that
behavior. In
other words,
”What value
is there in
this negative
behavior?”
“What is it
doing for
you?” Then
 you? Then
ask the client
to access that
part of the
subconscious
mind and to
identify three
alternatives
for meeting
all those
always very
legitimate
needs. We
have a need
to alleviate
boredom.
We have a
need to feel
physically
full. We have
a need to feel
a sense of
control.
These are all
legitimate
needs.
Bandler and Grinder, in the book, Frog s into Princes, come up with three
alternatives. For some of my clients, that can be overwhelming. It can be
too much choice, so I might have them identify one or two. It is perfectly
okay to deviate from the script to adapt things to your client or your own
style.
The ideas must come from them.  If you sit with a client in silence for five
minutes while that subconscious part of the mind is eliciting a new
response, that is okay.    It is very important to recognize that ideas must
come from the client, or else they are the practitioner’s ideas.  If I suggest
things to them, they are my ideas, and they are probably never going to do
them.  This is one of those times where sitting in silence while they really
think is okay.
• Step 4 —
• Step 4 —
We have
the client
evaluate
their new
choices.
“Would
that be
wise?”
“Would
that
helpful?”
“Is that
possible?”
“Can you
do it?”
• Step 5 —
Have them
check for
objections
from the
other parts
of the
subconscious
mind by
future
pacing.
“Bring
yourself out
two months
from now,
three months
from now,
six months
from now. If
you had been
eliciting that
new
response,
would that
 would that
be helpful to
you? Will
you find that
it continued
to meet your
needs?”
If there are any objections that continue to exist, then just go back and run
through steps two to five.  
• Step 6 —In
this step, I
create an
anchor or
post-
hypnotic
suggestion
for the
adaption of
the
alternative
behavior
because
most of the
work that I
do is in the
context of
hypnosis.
Almost all
my clients
leave with
post-
hypnotic
suggestions,
which I
have given
them.
 Five: Fast Phobia Cure

The Fast Phobia Cure is something that I regularly use in my office. I must
confess, I used to be fairly phobic. I used to be afraid of elevators. Once, I
walked away from a job interview because it was in a secure medical facility
where I could not take the stairs. I used to be afraid to drive in traffic. There
were times when I would not get on an interstate - it just would not happen.
And there was a time when I refused to get on an airplane.  I was afraid to fly
for many years. Now one of my most prized possessions is my top-tier
frequent flyer card. It represents to me that I have overcome my fear of flying.
I have flown all over the world in the last twenty years or so, and I have really
enjoyed those experiences.
To overcome my own phobias, I used a combination of different
techniques, including hypnotherapy, mindfulness training, and confronting
those fears.  
I also utilized the strategies of the NLP Fast Phobia Cure. Let me outline
for you how this process works. It uses what is a classic NLP script or pattern
or imagery of the movie theater. You can utilize this without that script,
without that pattern; simply adapt it any way you would like. I am going to
share with you again the classic version utilizing the script of the movie
theatre.    This is a very popular script that Bandler popularized that many
people have utilized.
The steps are simple:  
• Step 1 —
First, we
want our
client to
identify a
phobic
response
that they
have. We
want them
to elicit
that
phobic
response
when they
are in our
office. We
do not
want them
to go into
full-blown
abreaction,
but we
want them
to feel
that. And
that is an
important
part of
this
process
because
we want to
work with
them
while they
are
associated
into the
ability to
experience
the phobia
because if
you can
experience
the
phobia,
o n
 you can
un-
experience
the
phobia.
• Step 2 — Have
the client
remember that
even though
they
experienced a
phobia, they are
always safe
afterward. We
know our
clients are
always safe after
they have a
phobic
response
because they
are still here;
they are not
dead.  Whatever
they were afraid
of hasn’t killed
them yet. It
may have been
traumatic, it
may have been
difficult, but
there came the
point when they
were safe. After
we elicit the
response, then
we have the
client assure us
that there was a
point when they
 point when they
were safe after
the fear.  
• Step 3 —
We are
going to
have the
client
imagine
that they
are sitting
in a movie
theater,
and they
are going
to watch
themself
on a
screen.
Make it a
black and
white
image.
Make it a
small
image on a
big movie
screen. We
do that
because
we don’t
want to
add too
much
depth to
this movie,
this visual
imagery
because
we don’t
we don t
want to
produce
abreaction.
I know that there are some people who want to produce abreaction in
hypnosis. I do not.    Producing abreaction in hypnosis is not particularly
valuable. Success should be measured in change, not by the quantity of
tears produced in a session.
Have the client dissociate by having them float out of their body and all
the way back to the projection booth. This gives them a level of
dissociation and a level of control.
From the projection booth, they can watch themself sitting in the movie
theater seat watching themself on the screen. This is a very safe vantage
point; it is the third perceptual position. Have them, from this safe place,
way back in the projection booth and third perceptual position, watch that
movie. Watch a movie of them being phobic, being in the situation, and
being fearful. You can amplify it. At this point, you can bring some color
to it. You can make it larger. You can bring them almost to the point where
they are experiencing phobia again, but when they get to that point, when
they watch the movie to that point where the phobia is over, and now they
are safe, have them freeze it. I say to my clients, “Freeze.”    I say that to
clients all the time. “Freeze that image; let it be frozen on the screen.”
• Step 4 —
The next
step in
this
process is
to have
the client
float back
out of the
projection
booth,
out of the
seat, and
into the
film. Now
we’re in
that first
perceptual
position
where me
is me in
this film.
“We are at the end of the film; remember the end of the film where we’re
safe.    And now, from that vantage point, play the film backward. Play it
backward with full color. Play it twice as fast, three times as fast, four times
as fast. Rewind it, playing it backward, seeing yourself going from safe to
unsafe rather than the way the mind normally thinks about things, which is
I’m safe , and now I’m unsafe .
“Play it backward and be a part of that film on that screen, moving
yourself from where you know you are safe backward through the process
to that point where you start the phobia.”
Now the amazing thing here is that when we do that, when we experience
from a different vantage point from safe to unsafe rather than unsafe to
safe, we reverse the neurology of our experience, if you will, and by doing
that, our clients experience a complete perceptual shift of all the
representational systems.  The emotions, spiritual, and metaphysical needs
 they have and overcome, report overwhelmingly that their interpretation of
the response is completely different.
• Step 5 —
The next
step is to
continue to
repeat the
previous
steps until
the client is
comfortable
with the
experience
and then
perform an
Ecology
Check to
find out if
this worked.
I say to my
clients,
“Now think
about what
it was that
you were
afraid of.
You were
afraid of
snakes.
When you
think about
that, is your
response at
any level
different
now than it
was even
fifteen
minutes
minutes
ago?”    The
answer is
almost
always yes.
 Six: NLP Spelling Pattern

The NLP Spelling Pattern is probably not considered by many people to be

one of the most important NLP patterns of all time. But for me and my work,
it has been particularly valuable. I teach a how-to-write a book class at
TwelveWeekBook.com, so I spend a lot of time working with individuals
helping them achieve their greatest level of potential when it comes to writing.
I also spend a fair amount of time delivering leadership training courses for
the business industry and others. Part of effective communication is being able
to spell correctly. Not only that, but I have also carved out in private practice a
very decent niche in academic performance, helping students achieve their
highest level of potential.  
Other than mathematics, where people seem to have a lot of difficulty, the
number two area where people come to me for achieving academic excellence
is in improving their spelling.  A lot of people find that spelling is difficult to
do and something that they wished they could do better. The awesome thing
about NLP is that it recognizes that we can recode or rewire our relationship
or experience to words.
When I teach speed reading courses, I often talk about is subvocalization.
One of the reasons why people do not read to their greatest level of potential
is because when they are reading a book, they are actually sounding out the
words in their head, hearing the words in their head, and we can actually read a
lot faster than we can talk.
One of the other reasons people tend to slow down their reading is
because they write the words in their mind, visually for the visual learner; they
are seeing the words.  It is almost as if they were doing two tasks at the same
time: seeing the word, reading the word, but taking the time in their mind as if
they were writing or typing out the word.
Subvocalization is an auditory component, and the subwriting is the visual
component here.    These not only slow us down in our reading and in our
academic performance, but they can also contribute to misspelling words. We
know that much of life occurs on a subconscious level. If early in one’s
academic career we are subvocalizing and subwriting, what will happen is we
are going to commit misspellings to error. They can see how subvisualization
can contribute to a spelling error—writing the wrong letters in the wrong
places or adding a lot of extra visual, whatever it is that people do. But I am
often asked how subvocalization contributes to a spelling error.
Subvocalization contributes to spelling errors because when we are first
learning to read, write, and spell, we are also learning how to speak and
pronounce words correctly.    For that reason, a lot of people spell words the
way they pronounce words. A lot of people pronounce words incorrectly. We
have a variety of different dialects in the English language, and some of them
are contributing to incorrect spelling because they are, in fact, wrong
pronunciations of the words.  And so, the subvocalization and the subwriting
or the subvisualization can create a life-long pattern of misspelling words.
Neuro-linguistic programming gives us an effective technique, an NLP
pattern. It is swift, efficient, and from this point forward, it can change our
subconscious association with these words.  
I applied the NLP Spelling Pattern to my own work and to the words that
I find particularly difficult. Because of that, my spelling has greatly improved.
• Step 1 —
Have the
client
identify a
word that
they
misspell. It
is amazing
how we
often
misspell
the same
words
repeatedly
and have
particular
difficulty
 difficulty
with
certain
words.  We
can usually
identify
those
words if
we are not
a good
speller.
Have them
identify
the word.
• Step 2
— Have
the
client
take pen
to paper
and
write
down
the word
that they
cannot
spell
correctly.
• Step 3 —
Have the
client look
at what they
have
written.
Then ask
them to
close their
eyes, and in
their mind’s
eye look up
 eye, look up
to the left
and
visualize
that word
spelled
correctly.
This should
be easy for
them to do
because
your client
just wrote it
down, so
they are
probably
looking at a
visualization
of their own
handwriting
in the upper
left-hand
side of their
mind’s eye
field of
vision.  
• Step 4 —
Now, you can
have them
change that
to their
favorite
color. You
can ask them
to even
change it to
their favorite
font and
make it a
little bit
 little bit
bigger. You
can play with
the
submodalities
to help them
create a
visual image
that is very
realistic to
them.
• Step 5
— Have
the
client
open
their
eyes.
And on
a new
piece of
paper,
have
them
write the
word
correctly.
If they
need
help in
the
process,
they can
look up
to the
left in
their
field of
vision,
and they
 y
can
recall
that
word
that is in
their
upper
left-hand
field of
vision,
and they
can write
down
the word
correctly.
• Step 6
— After
they
have
written it
again
correctly,
have the
client
close
their
eyes
again
and look
up into
that left-
hand
side of
that field
of vision
within
their
mind’s
eye.
 y
• Step 7
—    Ask
the client
to spell
the word
in their
own
mind, but
instead of
spelling it
left to
right, they
spell the
word
backward,
starting
with the
last letter
and
spelling
right to
left.    And
so, our
client
would do
that in
their
mind’s
eye.
• Step 8 — If
they did not
spell it
correctly,
then we
return to
step two,
which is to
go back and
go through
 g g
the same
process
again,
starting with
the second
step. In my
experience,
going
through it
again usually
resolves any
difficulties,
but I have
had a few
incidents
where I
have even
gone back a
third time.
Interestingly,
I have never
experienced
failure after
the rare
occasion I
have gone
through this
three times.
This is the NLP Spelling Pattern and what it does is rewires our mental
association. It changes or rewrites over our subconscious learnings, which have
been errant, to the correct way of spelling a word.
 Seven: The Well-formed Outcomes Pattern

I first had the experience of working with Well-formed Outcomes back when I
had my first job in this field. I was a psych tech in an inpatient psychiatric
ward.
I also had the opportunity to do some teaching with these folks. It was my
first experience really trying to help people in a professional context to make
change. For the year and a half that I worked on this unit, something
interesting happened. The clients kept coming back in repeatedly. I asked the
psychiatrist and the nurses why and they said, psych patients go up, and then
they go down, and then they are re-hospitalized, and that is just what happens
to them.  I thought that if somebody didn’t know how to do something, they
would always do the same thing over again.    If they didn’t know how to
manage life on life’s terms, they would always end up with the same results.
This is a principle from Alcoholics Anonymous.
In working with the individuals who were on my unit, I would try to teach
them some of the life skills necessary for managing life on life’s terms when
they left the hospital, hoping that it would help them experience success.
Clients would come back, though, and I would ask them if what I taught
them in their previous hospitalization was helpful, and some would say it was.
But it occurred to me a lot of these folks really had no goal. Not only did they
not know what they needed to do in order to do something different, but they
really did not know why they should be doing something different.
I began working with patients to help them establish goals—goal setting. I
would teach my clients that a goal is concrete. It is clear, specific, attainable, it
has a reasonable timeframe, and that it is beneficial—all elements of goal
setting. I also helped them to future pace and put themselves in a place where
they could see themselves having accomplished their goals.
To a large extent, this is what the Well-formed Outcomes Pattern in NLP
is all about. In NLP, it is interesting that we often start at the end: What would
I like things to be like? Later, as I learned about Solution-Focused Brief
Therapy, I learned about the miracle question.    And the miracle question in
Solution-Focused Brief Therapy is this, “If you were to go to sleep tonight and
a miracle were to happen, and you were to wake up in the morning, and all of
those things that have been distressing to you had been removed, resolved,
ended, had been banished, how would you know that things had changed?”
This miracle question is a question that helps us identify what outcome the
client would desire.
In NLP, we start at the end because there is a metaphysical reality, and that
reality is that anything that exists today had to be an idea first. And so, we want
to start at the end because we want our clients to know in concrete terms
where they are going to be. They cannot be anywhere unless they have a Well-
formed Outcome from the processes or the interventions we create.
• Step 1 —
The first
step in this
process is
identifying
a problem
or
something
the client
would like
to change.
It may be
to stop
doing drugs
or stop
drinking
alcohol or
stop
pathological
gambling or
stop
stealing.
• When I
practice
corporate
 corporate
coaching, it
might be to
stop
procrastinating
or to start
being creative
or manage
stress or live
more
mindfully so
they can
maximize each
moment. But
the first step is
to have the
client identify
the problem
that they
would like to
change.
• Step 2 —
This step is
really the
miracle
question.
“How will
you know if
this problem
were
solved?”  We
ask that
question
because the
description
that we are
going to get
tells us what
it is that our
client would
 like to have
as the
outcome of
the
intervention.
• Step 3 —
Here, the
process is to
identify the
desired
outcome of
the change in
concrete
terms using
submodalities,
visualization,
self-talk, our
auditory
aspect, and
even physical
feelings with
the
kinesthetic
part.
• Step 4 — In
this step, we
want the
client to
describe in
greater detail,
- chunking
down those
submodalities
to an even
greater level.
• Step 5 — In
the next step,
we want the
client to
 client to
contextualize
the outcome.
We want to ask
questions like,
When? Where?
With whom?
Before? or
After? To
some extent,
contextualizing
this outcome
that our client
is creating in
their own
mind is a form
of future
pacing.
• Step 6 —
We can
get as
detailed
or as
short as
we would
like,
describing
the
sequence
for
moving
from here
to there.
Ask the
client the
question,
“Now
that
you’ve
described
 described
with
whom
and
where
and when
you
would like
this
outcome
to take
place,
what do
you need
to do to
get
there?”
• For some
clients, it
may be
one or
two
broad or
specific
actions.
For
others,
there may
be a
series of
five or
ten or
fifteen
steps.
The
objectives
in goal
setting
need to
be there.
 be there.
• Step 7 —
Have the
client
commit to
being at the
Well-formed
Outcome to
make this a
reality in
their own
life. The
difference
between a
goal and a
dream is
that a dream
is something
that we
aspire to,
but a goal is
something
that we are
actually
aiming
for.    Step
seven is
about the
commitment
process. I
always say
that a goal is
always
written.
Whenever I
work with
clients to
help them
goal set, I
have them
 take out
pencil and
paper and
write their
goals down.
The practice
of writing
goals is part
of that
commitment
process. You
could have
your client
draw a
picture or
write down
goals or
objectives
that are a
part of
committing
to this Well-
formed
Outcome.
• Step 8 —
And then,
NLP always
encourages
that
Ecology
Check.
“Now that
you have
committed
to this Well-
formed
Outcome, is
it going to
be
beneficial to
you?    Is it
something
that you
want? Is it
something
that’s
attainable?”
We can go
through the
Cartesian
Coordinates
here as well.
This is really a process that could take an entire session with a client.
 Eight: Visual Squash

The Visual Squash Pattern from NLP is a great pattern, and it is a lot of fun.  
I find that when I can involve my clients visually and kinesthetically at the
same time, it produces tremendous change. When I can involve people in the
therapeutic process, and I am not just talking to them or listening to them, but
can actually do something with them, it can be a lot of fun, and it really can
enhance the results.
Think back to when you were a kid, and you probably had a yellow blob of
Play-Doh and a blue blob of Play-Doh. And as you squashed them together,
something happened. That Play-Doh was no longer yellow or no longer blue.
It was now a green blob of Play-Doh. That is what we are going to do.
We are going to take two visual imageries or two visual representations and
squash them together, and the end result is going to be something entirely
different.  You may be interested in neuroscience, how brain chemistry works.
I know that a lot of people work in the treatment of porn addiction, and a
common phrase we frequently hear is “Thoughts that fire together wire
together.” A lot of people come to me as they have sexual difficulties. They
have sexual difficulties because they have wired together, or they have
anchored, as we often call it in NLP, certain thoughts with certain actions, and
so that is what turns them on.  
This can occur in any number of areas of life, not just in porn addiction. It
can deal with depression. It can deal with self-defeating behavior. It can deal
with emotions like anger or anxiety, or anything else.
The Visual Squash Pattern is one way to rewire the neurons or the brain
chemistry that we experience. It is an excellent way to either break these
associations or, in some ways, create new associations, and that’s part of the
reason why the Visual Squash Pattern is so powerful.
 When I do this with clients, I ask them to hold out their hands, and I have
them use their hands or the palms of their hands as sort of a tiny movie screen
—a mini-movie screen to go—where they can see the visual representations.
Then I ask them to squash their hands together.
• Step 1 —
Have the
client
identify
two
competing
desires or
behaviors
that they
engage in.
One of the
big issues
we have in
life is that
sometimes
we have
competing
desires
that are
occurring
at the
same time.
For
example,
we have a
desire to
be
dependent,
to be
engaged
with other
people and
to let other
people
take the
take the
lead and,
at the
same time,
we have a
desire, a
competing
principle
to be
narcissistic,
to be self-
absorbed,
and to just
go ahead
and get
things
done
without
waiting for
other
people.
You can see that life is full of these competing principles back to the
example of porn addiction, and they use this Visual Squash Pattern since
pornography is often a very visual experience for people of the two
competing behaviors.  They have the desire to experience sexual highs and
fantasy and the desire and the pleasure that comes from sexual exploration.
The competing fantasy here is that they have a desire to create a healthy
relationship with one person to whom they are committed without
bringing external sexual representations into their relationship.
• Step 2 —
These are
competing
behaviors or
desires that
people
engage in.
The second
step is to
work with
the client
and identify
the visual
imagery of
each of
these parts.
Now not
necessarily
identify the
visual
imager of
pornography
or the happy
relationship
or the
dependency
or
narcissism
but of the
core aspects
of what that
represents.
We really want to break down the visual imagery and then have them
identify the positive intention of each part. Every unhealthy thing that we
do in life has a purpose and has a meaning.
• Step 3 —
What we
want to
identif is
 identify is
the positive
intention of
each part,
and then we
want our
client to be
able to
move the
resources
from one
part to the
other.  Have
them
essentially
imagine that
those
resources
are
changing
places. This
is the
beginning
of molding
that Play-
Doh
together.
• Step 4 —
Next, we
have our
client create
a third
image, the
third image
of those
legitimate
aspects of
those
competing
behaviors
behaviors.
We are
asking them
to create a
third mental
image
where those
are melted
or molded
together. I
have my
clients hold
their palms
in front of
them and in
the right
hand create
the first
picture and
in the left
hand create
the
competing
picture and
then move
the hands
together
and when
they are
ready to
simply
begin
folding
them up
like that ball
of Play-
Doh, to
hold them
together, to
squash
 squash
them
together
and then to
open their
hands and
realize and
recognize a
third visual
image.  This
third visual
image, the
legitimate
aspects of
each of
these
behaviors,
are molded
together
into a new
behavior.
We can combine this with the previous lesson, Well-formed Outcomes.
Outside of the porn example and in the context of our healthy committed
relationships, we can use communication strategies that elicit participation with
our partner in activities that bring us to the height of sexual pleasure.
In our narcissism and our dependency, we can mold those together and
find that the autonomy of narcissism, combined with the loyalty of
dependency, can sometimes create a beautiful antithesis picture where we
respect the contributions of others while filling a leadership role. The outcome
here can really be remarkably different than either of the original competing
behaviors. It is neither blue nor yellow. It is now green.
 Nine: Falling in Love Pattern

Love is something for everybody!

Let me explain to you something about NLP and its history. The idea that
Bandler and Grinder had was to model excellence. Let’s look at those who are
doing it right and then try to figure out how we can replicate that and then
consider whether we can teach it to others.  Although Bandler and Grinder, in
the early days of NLP, did not deal with this Falling in Love Pattern, or the
ideas that I am going to share with you, current research into neurochemistry,
as well as communication, gives us some great resources for falling in love.  
This pattern is not about seduction. There is an entire community that
tries to use the language patterns of Milton Erickson and the idea of rapid or
instant seduction, but that is not the focus of this pattern.
What is interesting to me is that research tells us that in the first ninety
seconds when we meet somebody new, fifty-five percent of what attracts us to
somebody else is actually non-verbal; it is body language.  Thirty-eight percent
is the tonality and the vocal qualities of the voice. In other words, the speed,
the rate, the tone of the voice, and only seven percent of communication is the
actual words that are used which produce an attraction response.
It is interesting that the seduction community is always trying to come up
with the perfect words to snag that love prey. The reality is ninety-three
percent of what is most important has zero to do with language patterns or
the words used.
The paradox here is that the way to fall in love is to change yourself. That
is really the most important step. As a family counselor, so many people came
into my office, and what they were trying to do was change their partner to be
the way that they want their partner to be.  Or people called me up and asked
me to help them experience love.  What they try to do is they try to figure out
how to change people. They often think that if they can get this person to do
that and this person to do this, they will fall in love with them.
 The easiest way to help people fall in love with you is to change
yourself.  Be an excellent person.
Here is a strategy for changing yourself. You will probably never find this
in any other NLP book, but you will find it in books about mindfulness-based
stress reduction or books devoted to personal improvement. I will share with
you a meditation technique that is a loving-kindness meditation.   
It is interesting there are researchers at universities who spend their entire
careers studying the science of love. What these researchers have discovered is
that love is a combination of really three things.
First, there are physical and chemical reactions in our brain. We have
serotonin and dopamine receptors. We have hormones and neurochemistry,
and love is, to some extent, determined by our brain chemistry. The second
element of love, according to researchers, are our thoughts and our intentions.
It is a lot easier for me to change my own thoughts and my own intentions
than change somebody else’s thoughts and intentions. By doing that, the
research tells us it produces a loving response.
The third element of love is a metaphysical connection, a shared
connection. We have two deep needs—security and significance.    If I meet
somebody, and there is a security, and there is a significance that has developed
between us, loving occurs.
We often think of love in terms of romance as boyfriend/boyfriend,
girlfriend/girlfriend, or boyfriend/boyfriend, or whatever the combination is.
But the reality is love occurs in many other relationships as well. Like between
a father and son, for example, or friends that you deeply care about.
And, there is another kind of love. C.S. Lewis wrote about storge love.
That is an infinity toward other people simply because they are other people.  
This combination of brain chemistry coupled with thoughts and intentions
coupled with a metaphysical connection, which often does come about by
talking to people, results in three stages.
The first, when we talk about romance, is lust. Then attraction, which is
about linking shared experiences. We become attracted to people not just
because of physical beauty or chemical attraction but because of a shared
experience when we link with somebody. For example, if I meet somebody
new and discover they are from the same hometown as I am, we suddenly
have that shared experience. Then we go into the third phase, where love is
sort of anchored, and that is the attachment phase, which researchers call the
cuddle phase.
Here is what the research tells us the pattern for falling in love really is. We
can call this the “Falling in Love in Thirty-Four Minutes Pattern.” Some
interesting experiments were done about love and about people who engaged
in this process. One experiment was to take that knowledge that I just shared
with you and come up with a process and replicate it to see if it works to
produce love. In this particular case, romance. That is what NLP is all
about.  Looking at an event, trying to determine a process from it, and then
seeing if we can replicate it. The pattern the researchers developed was a
thirty-four-minute pathway to love.
The first step of the process or the pattern is to meet somebody new. A lot
of times, people tell me they can’t find somebody who will love them. In
response, I will ask if they are out meeting new people. They tell me no, they
aren’t. The very first thing that I am going to do when I am working with
lonely people is to help them meet new people, talk to those new people, share
intimate details, as the researchers instruct for only thirty minutes with a back-
and-forth exchange.
If you are interested in levels of communication, look for the Awareness
Wheel. It’s an invaluable tool developed in the early 1970s by Drs. Sherod
Miller, Phyllis Miller, Elam W. Nunnally, and Daniel B. Wackman. Get into that
search talk, as outlined in a previous chapter on the Awareness Wheel, with
somebody for thirty minutes.
The researchers found out that eye contact is an essential component of
nonverbal communication. Search talk for thirty minutes, staring into
somebody’s eyes for a four-minute period, resulted in feelings of romance and
love from the experiment group. You might be asking if love lasted because it
was an experiment group. Two of those couples in the experiment group got
married.  
That is the Falling in Love Pattern.    Find somebody new, share intimate
details with that person at a search talk level. We have been talking about
search talk with submodalities and different aspects of questioning people
throughout this book.  Then make eye contact with the person, staring at them
in the eyes for four minutes. It is amazing that when put to the test, that was
the formula for falling in love.
 Beyond falling in love, we want to go into a process where we can teach
our clients to love themselves and love others. Not because of what they are
getting but because simply being a loving person is a lot easier than being a
mean person.
Here are the steps to my loving-kindness meditation:
• Step 1 —
Close your
eyes and
focus on
your breath.
Breathe in
and breathe
out and set
aside any
worry about
the past or
anxiety about
the future.
Simply
attend to the
present in
the chair
where you
are sitting.
This practice
always begins
with
developing a
loving
acceptance
of yourself,
and
sometimes
resistance
simply
indicates
feelings of
unworthiness
 that may be
present. But
you do not
have to
worry about
that because
this means
that there’s
work to be
done, and
the practice
is designed
to help you
overcome
any feelings
of self-doubt
or
negativity.  
The idea here is not to sleep or even about relaxation. It is just breathing in
and breathing out and being fully in the present.  
• Step 2 —
Now, think
about and
identify a
person
who is
respected
by you or a
beloved
person that
you are
aware of.
Maybe they
are a
teacher or
a mentor,
or a
spiritual
guide who
guide who
has been
important
to you. Or
it may even
be
somebody
who,
although
you do not
know them
personally,
maybe they
are on the
world’s
stage, or a
famous
author or
somebody
who you
find carries
the traits of
a beloved
and
respected
person and
has been
influential
and
important
to you. The
reason we
start with
this person
is that it is
easy for us
to feel a
sense of
love and
kindness to
 kindness to
those who
have
contributed
so much to
the world
and to us
as well.   
• Step 3 —
Now that
you’ve
identified
that
person,
allow
yourself to
enter a
resource
state of
feeling a
sense of
loving-
kindness
toward that
person.
You can,
even as you
sit in the
chair,
envision
giving a
sense of
love and
compassion
toward that
person,
feeling kind
toward that
person who
taught you,
 g y ,
or
mentored
you, or
supported
you.
Notice how easy it is to feel a state of love and kindness toward that
person, especially if they have given much back to our world.
As you breathe in and breathe out, allow yourself to sense loving kindness
directed toward that person. That is an easy and natural thing to do.  Most
people have no difficulty with that. After all, it is a person known to us, a
family member, or a friend who has deeply impacted us and who we
deeply love.  
• Step 4 —
Think of a
third person,
a neutral
person, just
somebody in
the world
who you
know, but you
have never
really thought
about having
any special
feelings
toward.
Maybe it is a
shopkeeper
or somebody
in your office
or school. Or
even
somebody
you see
walking their
dog in the
neighborhood
or just on a
regular basis
in the places
where you go.
It is amazing how as you identify this person, you can actually allow
yourself to feel a sense of loving-kindness toward this person, even though
up until this moment, you’ve never described any special status to that
person. Continue to feel loving-kindness toward this person as you breathe
in and breathe out.
• Step 5 —
That
brings us
to the
to the
fourth
person, a
hostile
person or
at least a
person in
your world
with
whom you
have had
difficulties.
A person
with
whom the
ideas of
loving or
even
feeling
kindness
toward has
been
difficult.
Once you
identify
this
person, at
this
moment,
breathe in
and
breathe
out,
having
practiced
the sense
of loving-
kindness,
extend
that
that
feeling of
love and
kindness
from the
three
individuals
we have
already
identified
to this
fourth
person, a
person
toward
whom you
felt
hostility or
difficulty.
It is
amazing to
know that
as you
breathe in
and
breathe
out
breathing
in love and
exhaling
kindness,
we extend
the same
feelings
you easily
give to
others
toward
this fourth
person as
 p
well.
• Step 6 —
Think of
yourself and
extend that
compassion
and kindness
that you have
extended to
others in this
time of
meditation to
yourself,
loving and
being kind to
yourself, being
nonjudgmental
and fully
embracing
your strengths
and resources,
allowing
yourself right
now to feel a
sense of
loving-
kindness and
acceptance
toward
yourself just as
you were able
to do with
others.
• Step 7 —
Take in a
breath now
and let
oxygen fill
your lungs.
y g
Let that
oxygen
rejuvenate
every cell of
the body
and in a
moment
open your
eyes and
when you
do, open
your eyes
feeling
fantastic,
recognizing
that not
only have
you learned
the basic
process for
creating a
resource
state of
loving-
kindness,
but you’ve
learned to
help
problem-
solve and
become
more
forgiving
not only of
others but
yourself as
well, despite
any
previous
 difficulties.  
• Step 8 —
With the
next
breath,
stretch out
your
muscles
that need
to be
stretched.
Sit up
straight in
your chair.
Fill those
lungs with
oxygen.
Let the
oxygen
energize
every cell
of the
body and
open your
eyes,
feeling
fantastic
from that
experience.
 Ten: As-If Pattern

You’ve probably heard the expression before, “Fake it till you make it.” We
hear it in all different areas in life. Sometimes in the context of personal
training or sports training, it is an encouragement to continue. The coach
believes in us and knows that even though it is difficult for us to continue, we
will be able to step into that successful outcome in our sports performance. It
is something we often hear with regard to emotions as well. You can take a
crisis event or situation, maybe even a tragedy, and what is remarkable about
tragedy is that the clock does not stop during periods of difficulties. Often
there are essential tasks that must be completed.  
The reality is that “Fake it till you make it” is an expression that, at its
heart, is directly related to NLP. We know that any state in NLP that we would
like to access, create, or experience is something that we have the capacity and
the ability to create in our minds at some level or another. Even if we do not
feel, for example, happy or confident or even if we do not feel encouraged, or
whatever resource state it is, we can associate into that state even though it is
not genuine now.   
By associating into it, it fuses with us—it becomes who we are.   And we
do, in fact, step fully into that resource state.    At some level, this pattern is
very similar to creating a resource state, but it is a different process for really
achieving, to some extent, the same outcome.
You have probably also heard the expression before, “You create your own
reality.” On a metaphysical level, I believe that is true.    We create our own
reality. But even beyond emotional expression, we have the ability―physically,
spirituality, psychologically, even socially―to create our own reality. The As If
Pattern is a great tool for manipulating reality into what we hope that it could
become to help us achieve our greatest level of potential.  
Often people ask me how they can increase their peak performance. They
want to know how to rise to their greatest level of potential. The answer is
creating your own reality. To some extent, I did this back in 1994 when I had
been working for a couple of years as a substance abuse counselor in an in-
patient psychiatric unit, contracted with the state of Texas to provide services
to adolescents who had been in trouble with the law but had been sent to a
treatment facility rather than the juvenile prison.  
I really enjoyed working with the clients. I did not enjoy the bureaucracy
and saw that systems could be improved, and better services could be
provided to people, but I needed to be in a different position.
I went to the company's CEO, and I said to her, “Hey, I would like to be a
CEO of a treatment center like this. Maybe even this one!”  And she smiled,
and she replied, “Richard, you are great, and I can see you easily rising to the
CEO position. Why do you want to do that?” I said, “Well, because I am
pretty good at seeing how decisions and bureaucracy impact the clients that
we’re supposed to care for, and I think that I can help both to efficiently
manage the business, and the system side, while benefitting clients. I don’t
think that making money by contracting with the state is mutually exclusive to
being able to provide good treatment.” She said, “Well, I don’t either. You’re
definitely on the right track.”  She continued, “I think that I could move you
into a different management position, but at the upper end of lower
management, and you could probably take some M.B.A. courses, and you
could probably do that for the next five or ten years. Then you could move up
to an executive position and, probably within twenty or twenty-five years, you
too could be a Chief Executive Officer.”
I was about twenty-nine at the time, so the idea of becoming a CEO at
give or take fifty-five years of age was now on the table. I went home that
night, and the next morning, I went into her office and handed in my keys, and
said, “I quit.” She said, “Why are you quitting? I thought you wanted to be the
CEO.”  And I replied, “I do want to be the CEO, and I am the CEO. In fact, I
am the CEO of a company called Peachtree Professional Education.” She said,
“What’s that?”  I said, “It’s the company I just started.”
She was fully supportive, even though she was certainly surprised. I started
a continuing education company that allowed me to do two things: affect the
systems within the mental health professions and teach people solutions and
strategies that increase their effectiveness with a wide variety of different
clients. How did that work out for me? In 1994, I started the company, and I
continue to be the Chief Executive Officer at Peachtree Professional
Education, which is one of the largest providers of continuing education,
indeed in the state of Texas and in the state of Florida as well as many other
states.
If we do not like where we are, we put ourselves there. I became the CEO
in 1994 of that company even though I had no clients. I had no revenue. I had
no business. In fact, I am not even sure if I had a concrete plan then for what I
was going to develop. I told my family members that this was something that I
decided to do. They looked at me like I was crazy, but I was completely at
peace with my decision to create my own reality.
I always encourage people that if you do not like where you are, put
yourself where you want to be.    And do not wait to put yourself there until
things are right. Put yourself there now, and things will become right. That is
really the heart of the As-If Pattern. We can apply business, emotional, and
practical applications to the As-If Pattern.
As we create the As-If Pattern with our clients, we need to recognize that
some clients might not be able to fully associate into or step into an as-if state
of their own. The reason why is they have never experienced it before. I had
never been a CEO before, and I remember in the early days of starting this
company, I really did not know what to do. I remember, in the early days, to
some extent, modeling Michelle, who was the CEO of that hospital. She was a
supportive person, who was a wonderful friend at the time, and remained my
friend after I left, and I used her as an exemplar. I tried to conduct myself
interacting with other individuals and creating ideas in the same way that she
created those ideas.
We need to recognize that if our client has something holding them back
from fully associating into their own as-if state, it is perfectly okay to help
them fully associate into an as-if state they adopted from an exemplar, a
model, or from an external resource.
One of my favorite sayings comes from Charles Haanel. He was a teacher
in the early 1900s. Some people know who Charles Haanel is because most of
the original ideas in the Law of Attraction movement came from his writings.  
Charles Haanel was a metaphysician, an industrialist, and a businessman.
He was the founder of the St. Louie Post-Dispatch, and he wrote some
excellent books. He wrote a book called Mental Chemistry and another book
called The Master Key System . Charles Haanel was the one who said, “For
anything to exist, it must be an idea first.” The As-If Pattern takes that idea
and turns it into a reality on a metaphysical, practical, business, and emotional
level.
There are many ways to apply the As-If Pattern.  Here are the steps:
• Step 1 —
Have the
client
describe the
desired state,
the desired
resource, the
desired
experience,
the desired
position, or
even the
desired value.
This is a
great way to
help people
adapt values.
If you are
familiar with
Acceptance
and
Commitment
Therapy
(ACT), we
try to help
people select
a valued
path.  
The NLP As-If Pattern is one way to have them select that valued path.
We can look at resource states, events, experiences, positions, and even
values. We have our client identify that.
• Step 2 —
Next, have the
client give
h f
themself
permission to
fully step into
recreating,
revivifying, or
adapting from
an external
resource or
some exemplar
of this
experience.
When the
client gives
themself
permission to
step into this
resource state,
etc., determine
if it is at some
other level—
Ecology
Check. It is
seeing whether
it fits.  “Does it
feel good?”
“Did you give
yourself
permission to
do that?” “Are
you
comfortable
with that
permission
you’ve given
yourself ?”
This is
important
because we are
often very hard
on
 on
ourselves.  And
one of the
ways to
become less
self-critical is
to give
ourselves
permission.
• Step 3 —
Next step is
to build an
as-if frame.
Try and
incorporate
as many
sensorial
experiences
as possible to
help the
client
amplify―kind
of like
stepping into
a resource
state―that
experience,
that state,
that position,
that value.
• Step 4 —
From that
first
perceptual
position
from
within the
frame of
what they
id tifi d
identified
in the first
step, we
have our
clients
evaluate
through a
process of
questioning
inside of
that
experience,
really filling
it out, if
you will.
You can put on a T-shirt, but you must fill it out to make it comfortable
and get it to fit right and look good.  That is really what we are doing here
in step four.  We are processing this position from an inside vantage point
after we have fully associated into it from a first perceptual position.
• Step 5 —
The next
step is to
future pace.
The line
that I use
with most
of my
clients in
hypnosis is
this,
“Imagine
yourself
three days
from now,
three weeks
from now,
three years
from now,
even three
decades
from now
fully
experiencing
what it is
you’ve
created
here, today.”
I do this with almost all my cigarette smokers—future pace.    A lot of
people come to me, and they have quit smoking for one year, and then
they relapsed, or they quit smoking for three months, and they relapsed.
Or they have quit smoking for ten years, and they relapsed. Now, they have
been smoking again, for some period, they cannot quit on their own. They
schedule an appointment with me. When I have clients, who have had that
experience, I love it because they already know they can quit smoking.
What they do not know is that they can stay quit. With all my smokers, I
always future pace their success beyond the level of success that they have
experienced before.  With my smokers, I sort of assess how long they are
 going to live. The vast majority of my clients for smoking cessation are not
twenty-five and trying to quit smoking because cigarettes cost too much.
They’re fifty-five or sixty-five or older. I future pace out twenty or thirty
years with them because I want them to adopt the idea that this is going to
be far beyond the success they’ve had in the past. I always validate them
and offer something they are going to be able to take with them to any
point in the future.
• Step 6 —
The final
stage in the
As-If
Pattern is
back to an
Ecology
Check.
“Was that
valuable to
you?” “Was
it useful?”
“Are you
comfortable
with that?”
“Are you
glad that we
did this?”
“Is there
any part of
you holding
you back,
either
known or
unknown,
from
success?”
This As-If
Pattern has
become one
of those
patterns I
patterns I
use in
coaching,
NLP,
clinical
hypnosis,
and
counseling
on a regular
basis to
help people
experience
success in
many
different
aspects of
life.
 Eleven: Paradoxical Pleasure Pattern

This pattern is one that I do not actually use very often, but when I do use it,
it is extremely valuable. It might seem strange to want to reduce pleasure; after
all, is pleasure not awesome?    However, pleasure can sometimes cause us
difficulty.
I love pleasure as much as the next person loves pleasure, but the reality is
sometimes our fusion to pleasure, our obsession with pleasure or our fixation
on pleasure can distract us from accomplishing what it is that we genuinely
want to accomplish. For example, have you ever procrastinated because doing
what you needed to do was less pleasurable than what you had the opportunity
to do? When you experience pleasure by procrastinating and doing something
else, it felt awesome at that moment, but when you came back to what it was
that you needed to do, you felt less than satisfied.
We are dealing with pleasure and scaling it into perspective. Our goal in the
Paradoxical Pleasure Pattern is not to remove pleasure, but it is to scale
pleasure into perspective, so it is one of our drives, one of our motivations, but
it is not something that we obsess about or something that we become
cognitively fused with.  
What types of clients do I use the Paradoxical Pleasure Pattern with?
I have people who come to see me for weight loss, for example. When
they come to see me for weight loss, I begin to talk to them about different
issues that have contributed to their weight gain and their inability to lose
weight. One of those chief things is that the pleasure surrounding the types of
food and this pleasure is something that they recognize causes them
difficulties. Clients say they want to be hypnotized and want to lose weight but
don’t want to stop eating chocolate Easter bunnies. They say I can hypnotize
them to do anything, except give up chocolate Easter bunnies, because that’s
the pleasure in life that they refuse to give up. Of course, if you eat chocolate
Easter bunnies each day, especially when they are fifty percent off after Easter,
it becomes difficult to lose weight. So that tells me that this is the type of client
where a Paradoxical Pleasure Pattern might be useful.
In my work with drug and alcohol clients, I have also found that the
Paradoxical Pleasure Pattern is a useful tool. I have clients who report to me
that the pleasure of cocaine, the pleasure of marijuana, the pleasure of alcohol,
the pleasure of whatever drug of abuse is that they are ingesting into their
body is paramount to being able to accomplish anything else.  
They recognize that this is not even good for them. We know that on a
neurochemical level, those substances affect the pleasure centers of the brain,
particularly cocaine, and we know that nicotine has a similar effect.  
They say when smoking a cigarette or cocaine that within eight seconds,
that chemical transcends pleasure centers of the brain, and that rush of
pleasure becomes something they pursue. I am convinced that cocaine addicts
are always in pursuit of that first high one more time. It is that level of fusion
to pleasure that continues to cause problems directly related to addiction.  
This is similar to the compulsive gambler, who drives that pleasure from
the reward pleasure center of the brain through the compulsive behavior of
pathological gambling or any obsessive or compulsive behavior.
The idea is not to remove pleasure from life, remove pleasure from having
a beer, or remove pleasure from taking an evening out spending forty bucks of
entertainment money at the casino. The idea is not to remove pleasure, but the
idea is to decrease the intensity of pleasure so that we can scale it into
perspective, to defuse the obsession of pleasure, and that is important.  
Here is the process.
• Step 1 —
The very
first thing is
to have the
client
identify
their
inflated
pleasure.
What is
their
 inflated
pleasure?
What is the
behavior,
and what
does the
pleasure
feel like?  It
is not
enough just
to say,
“Well, I like
pathological
gambling.”
What is it
about the
pleasure?
“When the
bonus
screen is
red, and it
gives me an
extra spin,
it’s at that
moment
that I feel a
lightness in
my chest.” I
really want
them to
identify
their
inflated
pleasure
from the
sensorial
experiential
perspective.
• Step 2 —
 This step
is to
evaluate
the
meaning
of this
pleasure.
Is it
legitimate?
I have
always
found that
every
unhealthy
behavior
always has
legitimate
needs
attached
to it.
• Step 3 — In
this step, we
ask
awareness
state
questions.
Neuro-
linguistic
programming
uses different
languages. It
asks
awareness
state
questions
and meta-
state
questions.
These are
 questions
like, “Why
this way to
gain
pleasure?”
“Why is this
pleasure
important to
you?” “What
does the
pleasure feel
like?” “How
long does the
pleasure
last?” These
questions are
an effort to
help a person
identify the
aspects of
this inflated
pleasure that
is useful to
them.
• Step 4 —
Next, I
have my
clients
summarize
in one
word, one
adjective
that
describes
that
pleasure.
We reduce
that
feeling,
h
 that
content,
that
experience
into one
word.
• Step 5 — In
this step, I
engage in a
process that
I borrow
from
Acceptance
and
Commitment
Therapy,
which is
Cognitive
and Infusion
Therapy.
The idea is to separate an experience from the word. If you are familiar
with Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, you will be familiar with
cognitive diffusion. The idea here is to defuse somebody from their
thoughts. There is a thirty-second exercise where a person repeats a word
that is attached to an experience over and over and over. By saying that
word repeatedly, what happens is that the word just becomes sound, and it
becomes less fused with the relational frames that we have attached to that
word. It just becomes a word.
It is kind of a fun exercise to do. It fits neatly into an exercise related to
NLP.
• Step 6 —
After we
have gone
through a
cognitive
diffusion
exercise
with that
word
associated
with the
client’s
pleasure,
we do an
Ecology
Check.
“Say the
word. What
is your
response to
it?” “Is the
level of
pleasure
decreased?”
“Is the way
you relate
to it
different?”
“Do you
see it from
a different
vantage
point?”
And this is
the
Paradoxical
Pleasure
Pattern that
I think is so
useful.
You may download free resources for this book, and the actual forms
I use with clients at:
SubliminalScience.com/NLPbook
To earn your certification as a Profession NLP Practitioner and as a
Professional Life Coach visit:
SubliminalScience.com