MARRIAGE AND FAMILY

RELATION
TOPIC 2: Responding Challenges in Marriage
 MARRIAGE AND ITS
SIGNIFICANCE

❖“Marriage is the union of the two, the nurturing

of new life, and the connecting of the child with the
mother and the father,” he said. “A society that
flourishes recognizes that and puts conditions in
place that safeguard the child being able to grow up
with a mother and a father.”
 REQUIREMENTS OF
MARRIAGE
❖ Consent, Age, and Capacity

❖ Created by FindLaw's team of legal writers and editors | Last updated November
13, 2018

❖ Perhaps you think the legal requirements for marriage are confusing and
overwhelming. With so much that goes into planning a wedding these days:
selecting the perfect dress, choosing a carefully coordinated menu of classic
dishes culminating with a show-stopping wedding cake, and finding just
the right venue -- navigating through the legal requirements might be low on
your to-do list.
❖ Certain types of marriages are generally prohibited, such as
unions between blood relatives. In most states, they can't be closer
than third cousins. However, many states allow first cousins to
marry if they're of an elderly age and no longer able to conceive.

❖ The reality is that once you know what's required in your state,
the steps are simple, leaving you more time to concentrate on the
more enjoyable parts of getting married. Although laws differ by
state, this article covers general marriage requirements.
 MARRIAGE
REQUIREMENTS : CONSENT
❖ Before a marital union is recognized by a state, there must
be consent or agreement between the parties of the union to be married.
For consent to exist, both parties must agree to the marriage and there
must be no mistake as to the nature of the union; no force must be used
upon either party to enter into the union.
❖ Once consent is determined to exist, the laws of the individual states
determine the status of the couple as spouses (as long as they've satisfied
the state's marriage license requirements).
 MARRIAGE
REQUIREMENTS: AGE
❖ Age is an additional aspect of consent to marry. All states set the age
which must be reached by both parties to the marriage before they're able
to legally agree to become spouses without parental permission. For all but
two states, this "age of consent" is 18 (in Mississippi the age is 17 for
females and 15 for males, while in Nebraska the age is 17).
❖ The states vary in determining the minimum age at which a couple can
marry with parental consent. For the majority of states this age is 16,
though in a very few states (including Kansas) the age is as low as 14.
 MARRIAGE
REQUIREMENTS: CAPACITY
❖ Capacity generally refers to the mental ability of one or both of the parties to the marriage
to agree to become spouses. Both parties must be of "sound" mind and capable of agreeing to
the marriage. Not all forms of mental illness and insanity serve to render someone incapable of
entering into a marriage.
❖ A common test of capacity is the ability of individuals to understand the nature of marriage
and what their responsibilities are to their partners once they enter into the union, such
as financial obligations. Physical incapacity -- and in particular the physical inability to have
sexual intercourse -- does not in and of itself render one incapable of marrying, and does not
on its face void a marriage that has already occurred.
 FORBIDDEN MARRIAGES

❖ In the Philippines, polygamy is not allowed because of the Christian

influence in the Philippine culture. The only exception is when you are a
Muslim living in the Philippines. Same sex MarriageSame sex Marriage is not
allowed in the Philippines. Two people of the same gender having a relationship
is somehow socially accepted nowadays.
❖ Forbidden Marriages. “When man began to multiply on the face of the land
and daughters were born to them, the sons of God saw that the daughters of
man were attractive. And they took as their wives any they chose” (Gen. 6:1–2)
❖ In at least one aspect, marriage is like football. In a close game, the
winning team is usually the one that made the most significant
adjustments in strategy along the way. That’s what effective coaches do at
half-time —give the players the key adjustments that will gain them the
advantage in the final quarters. A winning marriage requires the same
mind-set. A husband and wife need to recognize that surprises requiring
proactive early marriage adjustments await them in their relationship.
A R E A S T H AT R E Q U I R E A D J U S T M E N T I N
T H E E A R LY S TAG E O F M A R R I E D

❖ Some issues triggering the need for adjustments in marriage are

major: being raised in a dual- or single-parent family; being an only
child or growing up with several siblings; coming from an
economically challenged family or a family that had it all; growing up
with parents who did not embrace religious faith. The list goes on and
on: opposite personalities, differing cultural backgrounds.
❖ Some issues triggering the need for adjustments in marriage are
major: being raised in a dual- or single-parent family; being an only
child or growing up with several siblings; coming from an
economically challenged family or a family that had it all; growing up
with parents who did not embrace religious faith. The list goes on and
on: opposite personalities, differing cultural backgrounds.
❖ Minimally, a couple will have to adjust to differing traditions, values,
habits, and rules learned in unique backgrounds. As time passes, other
adjustments to sexual performance, financial pressures, and job demands
may be required. And let’s not forget a big adjustment in a small package-
spelled B-A-B-Y! That’s right: the first child.
❖ Often the minor differences cause the most frustration and require the
most creative flexibility. Someone has said, “We are worn down less by the
mountain we climb than by the grain of sand in our shoe.”
❖ One of those tiny grains of sand can be the toilet seat. The husband
may come from a family of all boys where the toilet seat’s default position
was up. If this guy marries a girl from a family of all girls, where the seat
remained in the horizontal dimension, you know the potential for conflict
and the need for adjustment.
❖ In our home, for years a grain of sand was the way I “helped” Barbara
by putting my socks in the clothes hamper wrong side out so that “the
dirty side got washed.” She has finally trained me to do it the “right” way.
 HOW TO HANDLE
CONFLICTS IN MARRIAGE

❖ Conflict is a normal part of marriage. No matter how much you and your spouse love
each other, you won't see eye-to-eye on everything. Having the occasional argument
doesn't necessarily mean anything is wrong with your marriage, but the way you and your
spouse handle your disagreements plays a big role in whether you'll stay together for the
long haul. Luckily, healthy conflict resolution is a skill that anyone can learn. You can solve
problems with your spouse by talking with each other honestly, fighting fair, and finding
ways to avoid unnecessary conflicts in the future.
 DEAL WITH IT

❖ Conflict is inevitable in marriage and can create damage or discovery — we choose which it
will be. Discovery means learning new ideas, approaches and solutions if we fight together for our
marriage.
❖ Conflict is not the problem. How we manage the conflict is the problem. DEAL is a
problem-solving tool that stands for:
❖ Don’t take the bait.
❖ Explain the impact of the behavior and express your needs and expectations.
❖ Ask questions to draw your spouse into dialogue to gain understanding.
❖ Let go of the need to manage your spouse’s behavior. Manage your own.
❖ Let’s explore each part of the process in more detail.
 1. DON’T TAKE THE BAIT

❖ Often the motive in conflict is to hook another person into doing what serves one’s
own purpose, regardless of the impact on the other. That’s manipulation.
❖ Everyone has hot buttons — things that push him or her over the edge. And when
someone’s button is pushed, he or she often reacts instead of responds. The difference is
that a response is a purposeful, thoughtful process. A reaction is a retort that the speaker
usually regrets the moment it leaves his or her lips.
❖ Communicate purposefully to build dialogue, not to debate. Pause and consider the
best reply, because words can create peace or ignite a power play, which pushes two
people further into conflict and further from agreement.
 2 . E X P L A I N T H E I M PAC T O F T H E
B E H AV I O R A N D E X P R E S S YO U R
E X P E C TAT I O N S
❖ This step helps your spouse understand the impact of his or her behavior. It can also help defuse the
situation if the conversation has become a shouting match. Describe your spouse’s behavior and how it
affects you. Then express your expectations as the conversation continues.
❖ For example, if your spouse yells to make a point, overpowering you and dismissing your concerns,
it’s important to respond appropriately. Here’s how that conversation might start: “Making that purchase
not only disregards the agreement we made, but I feel disregarded, too. It’s a trust issue. We need to
discuss this, and I ask you to speak respectfully, without shouting.”
❖ Once the impact is explained and expectations for continuing the conversation are established,
you’re ready to move ahead.
 3 . A S K QU E S T I O N S T O D R AW
YO U R S P O U S E I N T O
DIALOGUE
❖ Asking yes-or-no questions of your spouse — “Do you recall our
conversation about saving money? Did you commit to doing so?” — isn’t a
great opener. It tends to eliminate discussion without inviting conversation.
❖ Instead use open-ended questions starting with “how” or “what”; these
questions draw your spouse into discussion. They welcome dialogue, and this is
where discovery comes into play. When you invite your husband’s or wife’s ideas
and thoughts — and then listen carefully — you may find a successful route to
resolution you hadn’t considered.
 4. LET GO OF THE NEED TO CONTROL
Y O U R S P O U S E ’ S B E H AV I O R A N D
M A N AG E YO U R OW N

❖ Keep this rule in mind: This conversation is not about me controlling you. I’m here to control myself. Even if you never
verbalize this, don’t forget it. Your hands are full managing your own behavior. You can recalibrate the tone and
direction of the conversation if you remember this principle.
❖ If your spouse struggles with managing his or her emotions during conflict, you may be tempted to try to
do it for him or her. Remember that your first priority is to give your spouse insight into how his or her
behavior affects you. It’s best done with an attitude that conveys, I’m here to give you helpful information about me and
how this affected me. And I’m certain if you knew how this makes me feel, you’d never want me to experience that. This
approach gives your spouse the benefit of the doubt, which limits perceived offenses and moves the
relationship forward.
❖ Marriage is a continual work in progress. We can never say, “Well then, we’ve arrived.” Sharpened tools
make the work possible. So next time there’s a dustup at your house, DEAL with it!
M E A S U R E S T O A D O P T M A R R I AG E
 1 . YO U ’ R E P U R S U I N G M O R E
THAN JUST HAPPINESS.

❖ Happiness is important, and the culture holds it up as the greatest good there is.
We all want to be happy. It feels like a basic human right in America: even the
Declaration of Independence extols “the pursuit of happiness” as inspiration to the
colonies to separate from England. But sometimes we use happiness as the ultimate
measure of good or success, in our marriages, with our kids, or in life, generally
speaking. Author Gary Thomas wrote a great book that I’ve recommended to many
called Sacred Marriage. The subtitle says “What If God Designed Marriage to Make
Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy?” His point is a good one: marriage may
produce happiness, but a meaningful marriage produces so much more.
 2. YO U ’ R E P E R S E V E R I N G
T H RO U G H T H E H A R D T I M E S .

❖ Nobody likes going through hard times. Avoiding hard times, and
staying on calm seas would seem to be a great measure of success in
marriage. But that’s not as realistic, or as meaningful, as real life. In life, all
people suffer at some point. But remember what God says: “suffering
produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.”
(Romans 5:3-4). The perseverance and character you build up
through, and sometimes in, the rocky roads of marriage make marriage
meaningful.
3 . YO U ’ R E I N S P I R I N G C H A N G E I N
EACH OTHER…FOR THE BETTER .

❖ Accepting your spouse for who they are, and being accepted by your spouse for
who you are, is freeing. We should celebrate each other’s unique design and
personality. But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t gently encourage change in
behavior. And that change must start with ourselves first. It can then inspire our
spouse to change for the better as well. Marriage can be that impetus that pushes us
to get healthier, start new habits, end old habits, and make needed changes. In our
marriage, Susan has inspired me by her example. She’s also cheered me on to do
more than I would have likely done on my own. She has pushed me to be a better
man and husband.
 4. YOU’RE SETTING AN
EXAMPLE TO OTHERS .
❖ We are tutoring our kids on how to handle life and marriage through our
example. They are not just learning from the good and happy times. They are
watching, even more intensely, how we walk through the difficult times as
well. How we live our married life is more important than just how happy we
are because each marriage influences the people and world around it. That example
can be healthy (when a couple works through joy and pain together) or harmful
(when a couple tears itself apart), but either way, it will influence others.
❖
 5 . YO U ’ R E W I L L I N G T O B E D E P E N D E N T,
N O T J U S T I N D E P E N D E N T, I N YO U R
MARRIAGE
.
❖ Our culture loves rugged independence, even in relationships. But we are not designed to be
independent of our spouses. Yes, we are two unique individuals with unique personalities, but when we got
married, we became “one flesh.” We became one physically, emotionally, and spiritually and are to be
dependent (not co-dependent) on one another in a healthy way. For our years of marriage, I’ve been
dependent on Susan in a good way to help pick my spirits up when I’m down, to help heal my hurts, and to
encourage me when I’m discouraged. And as we grow old together, that dependence may grow even
stronger. By the way, a healthy dependence on marriage requires humility. Humility recognizes that I’m not
meant to be alone in this marriage or in this life.
❖ Ultimately, marriage is a tool in our lives that refines us in many ways. I hope this post will help you
evaluate how meaningful and rewarding your marriage is, or perhaps can be.
THANKYOU FOR
LISTENING☺

Prepared by: Ms. Marisol G. Cano