DYNAMICS OF INTER AND INTRAPERSONAL RELATIONS

INTRODUCTION
The Nature of the Self
Life itself is its own lesson, as we are all creatures along with other animals
and organisms, and the very reason of existence resides with the concept of life
and how we see it. Various philosophers and psychologists have spoken their
minds on what life could possibly mean. Piaget (1971 as cited by Ryan, 1991) once
said that one of the main purposes of life is to “constantly overtake itself”, or as we
call as going beyond limits and our capacity as animate entities. However, as living
beings, especially for humans, we are constantly conceptualizing what we want to
become and how we want to become who we are.
The self, has been one of the most prolific topics of psychology, philosophy
and other various disciplines that finds interest in it. The self is often seen as a part
of an entity that constantly learns, adapt, and applies what it learns from both
physical and social aspects within its environment, therefore it is constantly
building itself and always aims for something beyond itself (Dewey, 1934).
The self, therefore is a consciousness, it is affected by its environment, it
ceases to exist without a vessel. It cannot be judged by how the body appears to
others, it reveals itself through communication, interaction, intelligence and wit.
However, some questions still remain; how does the self come into existence?
What makes up the “self”? and how do we maintain our sense of “self”?
Origin and Development of the Self
The self as we know, does not exist by itself, it needs to have a vessel,
specifically the human body, and second, an environment. These two factors play
an important role in forming the self, but the possibilities are far more than what
we expect. There are theories on how the self forms itself through what is around
it, it may be other people, events, or even the body on where it exists.

1. Self Perception Theory (Daryl J. Bem, 1973)

This theory posits that an individual does not have its own attitude or emotions
initially as a person, instead have to observe their own actions and the reason
for committing them as to understand truly what our behavior is. This theory
does not disregard the fact that it is not always the case, instead, it adds the
factor that we “interpret our own actions the same way we interpret others’
actions”, and that our actions that we judge are usually influenced by our social
environment and are not produced by our own free will.
2. Social Comparison Theory (Leon Festinger, 1954)

Festinger (1954) developed the theory of forming the self by considering the
factors on how we compare ourselves to others, may it be constructive or
destructive. Constructive behaviors induced by comparing ourselves to others
allows us to seek room and be motivated to improve in order to achieve who
we want to be. However, destructive behaviors are often being seen and heard

Downward
Effects of Social Upward Comparison
Comparison
Comparison “X is better than you”
“X is worse than you”
Hope, Inspiration Gratitude
Positive Effects “I will do better to be like “Good thing I’m better
X” than X”
Dissatisfaction, Envy Scorn
Negative Effects “I wish I could be like X” “I feel sorry for X” / “I
/ “I’ll never be like X” pity X”

when it comes to comparing one’s self to others. Emotions of dissatisfaction

and lowering of self-esteem is commonly felt, followed by other behaviors like
deceiving and self-harming acts, often leading to mental issues and illnesses
such as depression, anorexia, and etc.

3. Reflected Appraisal Theory (Charles H. Cooley, 1902; Sullivan, 1953)

In this theory, it usually relies on the influences on how other people see us,
and therefore when it comes to knowledge, we conclude that we are how others
see us. “Reflected appraisal” was first used by the psychologist named Harry
Stack Sullivan in 1953 when studying and talking about this concept in his book
“The Interpersonal Theory of Psychiatry”.
The Looking Glass Self
Cooley (1902) coined the term “looking glass self” for his theory which posits
that the person’s sense of self is dependent on how they think other people see
them. Social interaction has been a key factor in building one’s identity and
sense of self, therefore, the more people they interact with, the more
“perceptions” they see, ultimately building a repertoire of their qualities to
assess their self-worth.
In the modern age, this concept is more observable than ever since the
emergence of social media and platforms such as Facebook, Instagram, and
other media that allows an individual to chat and create more “mirrors” for
themselves.
4. The Social Self (George Herbert Mead, 1913)

Mead, making one of the greatest contributions to social psychology by giving

a philosophically-inclined distinction between the “I” and the “Me”. The “I” is the
novel self, remaining almost the same all throughout the individuals’ life. The
“I” is the creative and spontaneous self; it retains the focus of the self to a
certain detail or activity. The “Me” on the other hand, is not static, therefore
always changing based on where the “Me” is. Multiple instances of “Me” can
overlap each other, and these instances arise on the presence of different
people or situations.
Dimensions of (the) Self
For the longest time since high school, we have learned about the different
dimensions of the self. Physical, emotional, mental, spiritual, and social self.
However, multiple sources provide different dimensions when it comes to the
formation of the self, called the “Johari window” (Luft and Ingham, 1955), that is
being used primarily in self-help groups. Let us take a look at the ones we know,
then the ones we do not.
1. Physical
The physical dimension is the base of all dimensions, since the self will not
exist without a physical body as its manifestation. We often see the physical
self as a descriptive way to assess one’s self. However, as we have said, the
self does not reflect the same way as the body, in qualitative terms. We may
have deformities and imperfections in our body, but it does not justify the
qualities we have as a person. The physical dimension includes: physical
growth and development, habits, movements and actions, and body memory /
muscle memory.
2. Emotional

Emotions are expressed during certain situations alongside feelings that are
felt. Whether they are positive or negative, it is a valuable aspect of humans
that without it, the world would appear “colorless” as the self could not express
what it is feeling at the current situation. Emotions heavily affect the way we act
in the moment and to other people around us; these actions then become a
way to make significant differences with our relationship with others, either for
the better or for worse.

3. Social

Our social dimension is often influenced by events and people that surround
us, helping us to develop the self and help us clarify our identity. The social
dimension includes our family, friends, significant others, community, culture,
ethnicity, religion, and other media of socialization. This dimension helps us
build rapport and relationships, as well as help others build their own self.
4. Mental / Intellectual

Since the beginning of our life, our brain already does tasks for us that we don’t
even need to think about, such as crying when we are hungry or in need of
attention since our speech has not yet developed. Then progressing to thinking
of simple shapes, until we reach the age of complex and logical reasoning; the
mind truly is astounding. Our mental dimension allows us to think and reason,
to understand and explain, to create and to decide.

5. Spiritual

The spiritual dimension is usually thought of as the highest dimension of the

self, since it encompasses and influences all the other dimensions mentioned.
The spiritual dimension influences the physical dimension by terms of
respecting the body as it is a ‘temple’, and actions such as abstinence and
celibacy is usually an effect of spiritual decisions, the emotional dimension as
to respect each other’s feelings and to not resort in anger, the social dimension
as to be kind and serve one another for the greater good, and the mental
dimension as to use the mind for good and not for evil deeds and plans. These
are one of the few things that the spiritual dimension helps us with, and as long
as we have something to believe in, and does not do harm to ourselves and
others, we can keep our spirituality intact and healthy.
Johari Window
The Johari window was conceptualized by Joseph Luft and Harrington
Ingham in 1955. The aim of this was to increase one’s understanding of the self
as well as to enhance the understanding and communication within a group. The
name ‘Johari’ came from merging the names of the two authors.
Known to Self Not Known to Self

Known to Me and to Known to Others but

Others not to Me
Known to Others - Information such - Mannerisms
as height, weight (umm, uh, so, ok,
and name and gestures)

Not Known to Me or to
Known by Me but not to
Others
Others
- Childhood
Not Known to Others - Your secrets and
memories that are
other undisclosed
long forgotten but
information
still affect you
 Kinds of Self
Carl Rogers believed that if a person is honest to him/herself, he/she will be
able to solve his/her own problems as well as to know one’s self. Rogers proposed
a triangular model of the self. Although some sources claim that only 2 of the 3
sides are important, it is best to consider that all of them equally contribute to the
development of the self.

The Self

Ideal Self

The Perceived Self – how other people see you/how you think other people see
you
The Real Self – who you actually are; is usually merged with the perceived self
since both are external / existing
The Ideal Self – the self you want to see and want others to see in you; the base
that supports the other two parts as goal/inspiration
INTRAPERSONAL RELATIONS
THE SOCIAL SELF
Perceived Self-Control
1. Definition:
Self-control in general means suppressing or changing a person’s impulsive
responses, behaviors, emotions, thoughts, and tasks in order to avoid certain
undesirable outcomes, it also allows us to manage motivational conflicts.
Adding the word “perceived” therefore pertains to how one sees his/her own
self-control capacity during certain situations.
2. Components
a. Monitoring
This component includes keeping track of your own actions, thoughts, and
emotions in a span of time. By being able to monitor these factors, you can
make specific actions and adjustments to either change or remove a
behavior that affects your self-control, e.g., keeping track of your
expenditure in order to be able to save more money.
 b. Standards
The standards that you imply will help and guide you into making more
desirable outcomes whenever you are faced with motivational conflicts. A
great example is coming up with your own set of rules that you have to
follow, these could be personal rules that you came up with, or rules from
your religious belief, philosophy, etc.

c. Strength
This refers to our will and ability and energy to stop or control our impulses.
This is usually affected by factors such as exhaustion, stress, emotions, and
etc.

3. Constructs and Measures

a. Self-Efficacy (Bandura)
It is defined as one’s belief of his/her own capabilities to do good; it is your
belief in your skills during certain conditions and situations.

b. Self-Attribution (Heider)
This refers to one’s acceptance of the possible outcomes and
consequences of his/her actions based from their observation of
themselves.

c. Locus of Control (Rotter)

It is a form of belief that the outcomes of your own actions are influenced or
caused by either internal factors that are acknowledged by the person or by
external, usually uncontrollable, factors that affect the person’s decisions
and motivations that contribute to the outcomes.
Self-Presentation Theory
1. Definition
In simple terms, this is how one attempts to present themselves in front of
their so called “audiences” or other people that surround them. Creating
impressions is usually the main goal of presenting one’s self in order to
maintain an image to people.
2. Implications
Self-presentation is usually goal oriented which means that a person will
likely create an image and impression to people in order for them to benefit
in some way. Example is being well-clad and having a pleasing personality
during interviews to have higher chances of being employed. Self-
presentation however can easily be maintained and is usually hard to
change for other people to see. Being in your best presentation will ensure
good outcomes from the behavior of others, while being in the worse may
lead to some good but most likely consequences that will be hard to pay.
DEVELOPING A HEALTHY SELF-CONCEPT
1. Self-awareness
Importance:
Being aware with one’s self allows more controlled and intentional behavior.
People who are more aware of themselves allows more area for change,
albeit in some instances, will pose negative effects to the person such as
becoming overly self-conscious of every movement and self-presentation.

2. Self-acceptance and Self-esteem

Self-acceptance is an individual’s acceptance of all his/her attributes,
positive or negative (Morgado et al., 2014), while Self-Esteem is defined as
thinking of yourself as an individual with high capabilities, skills, and etc.

High self-esteem is usually correlated with having higher confidence,

optimism, as well as being able to be a leader and influence others. They
usually have specific details on who they are, what they like amongst others.
However, low self-esteem is usually brought in with paranoia, excessive
self-consciousness, and fluctuations in moods and emotions.
People with self-esteem, however, can be convicted to protect their own
self-esteem, that is, with the use of self-serving biases. An illustrative
example is when a person with high self-esteem joins a group activity; when
the outcome becomes positive, the person with high self-esteem tends to
accept and claim all credit for the winning strategy. When the outcome
becomes negative however, the person with high self-esteem is most likely
to blame other “weaker” members for the loss, rather than take
responsibilities for the mistakes. We need to understand that this is not
always the case, but it is never lacking in prevalence.
INTERPERSONAL RELATIONS
Theories of Interpersonal Relations
1. Social Exchange Theory (George Homans, 1958)
This theory posits that social behaviors arise from an exchange process of
the potential positive and negative outcomes from building a social
relationship. Homans also stated that the maintenance of the relationship is
highly dependent on the value of the risk and of the benefit from the
relationship. Higher benefit means higher chances of keeping and
maintaining the relationship, while a higher risk is most likely to be ended.

2. Uncertainty Reductions Theory (Charles Berger & Richard Calabrese, 1975)

This is the theory wherein people will most likely gain information about
people in order to know them more, therefore reducing the uncertainty of
the identity and personality of the other person. One example is asking the
other person that you already know about someone who they know that
could become a potential friend or someone you would like to build a social
relationship with.

3. Politeness Theory (Penelope Brown & Stephen Levinson, 1987)

The theory is dependent on how one presents his/her “face”. A positive face
is more desiring of approval and poses as open to social opinions, as well
as to be appreciated by other people. On the other hand, a negative face
appears to be more private, as they tend to keep their freedom from others,
as well as to be rightfully making the decisions by themselves.
Types of Interpersonal Relationships
1. Friendship
Friendship may come through your own will or even sometimes,
spontaneously. Friendships are usually informal and is just there to enjoy
each other’s presence. Friendships may come between the same sex or
different sexes; it does not limit itself. It is usually give-and-take, as well as
transparent.

2. Love/Romantic
A type of relationship where 2 people decide to address their mutual
admiration to each other, and trust each other in a relationship. The feelings
of both parties should be respected and charm should be maintained in
order for the relationship to last longer. Couples involved in this type of
relationship might go through 3 possible outcomes, which are:
1. Marriage – taking the relationship to the “next level”
2. BF/GF – being in a relationship but no plan to marry yet or indefinitely
do not want to get married
 3. Breakup – not finding enough “connection” might decide to settle for a
better future alone or with other people

3. Platonic Relationship
This comes up when a man and a woman are friends without feelings for
each other or sexual desires. Platonic relationships may last long, however,
most cases, they end up being in a romantic relationship since the
development of trust and mutual admiration may come in place.

4. Family Relationship
Family is usually defined by blood, and connection to your parents and
siblings. It, ideally, does not go beyond.

5. Professional Relationship
People that are working together within an organization and sharing
professional goals are in a professional relationship. Colleagues are not
required to like each other since professionalism is the only concern and
usually without personal factors affecting the relationship.
Effective Interpersonal Communication
1. Verbal Communication
This form of communication is done through speaking and writing. Choosing
your words properly, method of speaking, and accompaniment of non-
verbal communication cues help the effectivity of the delivery of your
message.

2. Non-verbal Communication
Non-verbal cues include facial expressions, tone and pitch of voice, and
gestures, as well as your distance from the receiver of your message. These
non-verbal communication details help improve and clarify the message
you are trying to convey to your receivers, in fact, communication is mostly
non-verbal if you are observant enough.
CONFLICT RESOLUTION AND MANAGEMENT
Interpersonal Conflicts
Conflicts are usually effects of lack of trust, miscommunication,
misunderstanding, competition for resources, difference of interests, ego, values,
and etc. These may arise at any moment and are very common, however, some
of these conflicts are left unresolved, leaving grudges and hatred behind.
Interpersonal conflicts are better resolved earlier when the issues arise and
are addressed immediately. Ignoring the conflict or the person only turns the issue
into a more personal problem and sometimes end to undesirable behavior towards
the other person. Collaborating with the people involved with the conflict helps
ease and clarify the issues which will, ideally, end up resolving them.
Addressing the existence of conflicts between people and on the workplace,
University of Pittsburgh professors of management Kenneth Thomas and Ralph
Kilmann came up with the Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument.
Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument
The T.K.I.® is the most well-known conflict management instrument that
has proven to settle conflicts and issues in the fastest and most professional way
possible. The T.K.I.® is comprised of five (5) handling modes:
1. Competing
In simple terms, is standing and defending yourself in a position you
believe in and you know is correct, or in other cases, for your side to
win.
2. Collaborating
This mode refers to working with others in order to come up to a
solution that will satisfy both parties. This usually addresses the
concern of all parties involved, even if at some points, the parties
may disagree further, but all will reside to one common resolution.
3. Avoiding
Simply put as not addressing and not doing anything to resolve the
conflict. This may be done when the person is not yet prepared to
address the issue, waiting for a better time to do so, or just plainly
avoiding the issue and hoping to let it turn to dust.
4. Accommodating
The opposite of competing, meaning to disregard your own stance
and beliefs in order for the other party to win or to have the issue
settled and not let it grow worse than it is
5. Compromising
Possibly the fastest way to resolve an issue, since parties seek to
find common ground in the conflict and settling for mutual satiety.
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