Nonviolent Communication

Compassionate Communication
Connecting Our Hearts to All Life

Handout for Session #2 and #3

Out beyond ideas

of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field.
I'll meet you there.
When the soul lies down
in that grass,
the world is too full to talk about.
Ideas, language
- even the phrase "each other" -
does not make any sense – Rumi

Rev. Dr. LoraKim Joyner

[email protected]
Nonviolent Communication Certified Trainer
Center for Nonviolent Communication
(www.cnvc.org, [email protected], 1-505-244-4041)
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Universal Wants (Needs or Values)

 Needs are how life comes through all humans so that we may nourish the world as we
flourish
 Needs are resources required to sustain and enrich life.
 All humans have the same needs - emphasis changes over time and between individuals
 Needs make no reference to any specific person doing any specific thing
 (Strategies are the specific actions we use to achieve needs)
 Conflict happens at the level of strategy, not at the level of needs
 By emphasizing needs as we "let go" of specific strategies, we connect to life and to one
another

Survival: Sustenance, nurturance, procreation, sensory stimulation

Protection: Security, safety, justice, respect, consideration

Interdependence: Cooperation, community, inclusion, mutuality, support, to belong,

competence

Empathy: Understanding, connection, love, acceptance, affection, compassion

Regeneration: Celebration, gratitude, mourning, leisure, play

Transcendence: Presence, inspiration, evolution, beauty, harmony, flow, space

Well-being: Healing, peace of mind, balance, ease, trust, appreciation, balance

Honesty: Authenticity, self-connection, self-expression, clarity, learning, integrity, growth

Autonomy: Freedom, choice, creativity, empowerment, power with

Meaning: Purpose, contribution, competence, integrity, to matter

Four "D's of Disconnection

1. Diagnosis: judgments, analysis, criticism & comparison

2. Denial of responsibility
3. Demand
4. Deserve-oriented language
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Experiencing Self Empathy and Liberation

Think of a difficult conversation, relationship, or incident that has caused pain or

discomfort for you. What happened?

1. OBSERVATION: Attempt to describe a stimuli as an observation and not as a

judgment.

2. FEELINGS: What are you feeling now?

3. NEEDS: What universal needs correspond to these feelings?

4. Take time for self empathy by writing:

No wonder I am feeling______________________________________________

Because I am needing________________________________________________

5. Take time to experience emotional liberation and empower yourself by writing:

I am responsible for feeling______________________________________________

because I need________________________________________________________

6. REQUESTS: Now with no sense of a demand, what request would you make of
yourself, if any?
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Four Components of NVC

1. Observation
2. Feelings
3. Needs
4. Requests

1. Observation (fill in the blanks below)

When I hear you say____________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
or
When I see you________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________
2. Feelings
I am feeling___________________________________________________
3. Needs
Because I am needing___________________________________________
4. Requests
Action Request:
Would you be willing to________________________________________?
or
Connecting Request:
Would you be willing to tell me what you understand me to be
saying?
or
Would you be willing to tell me how you feel when I tell
you this?
Before and During Conversation
Self Empathy: No wonder I'm feeling_______________________________________,
I long for_____________________________.
Other Empathy: No wonder they are feeling__________________________________,
I'm guessing they need____________________________________________________.
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Intentions of Compassionate Communication Practitioners

In Unitarian Universalism

 We seek peace resulting from a Thou-Thou connection (a deep knowing and embodiment that the
other person or being has inherent worth and dignity). This makes it possible for our needs to be met
without depriving any person or persons the resources necessary to have their needs met.
Compassionate Communication Consciousness is about seeking peace and justice in every moment.
 In this complex world, we recognize the difficulty of living a life based on the values of equality and
justice. Thus we realize the importance of an intentional spiritual practice as a basis for peaceful living,
which in Compassionate Communication includes growing in intrapersonal and interpersonal relational
skills. Practicing is not just building, but living the beloved community.
 This spiritual practice of Compassionate Communication is deeply Unitarian Universalist as reflected in
our principles and traditions. We have a long history of learning from others (continuous revelation),
affirming the inherent worth and dignity of all beings, recognizing our interdependence within our
communities of mixed species, and our hope in the community forming power of love that comes
through covenanted community.
 There is no “right or wrong” way to “do” Compassionate Communication. We look beyond formulas,
creeds, or specific steps in a spiritual practice, to growing our individual and collective consciousness
so that as a community we increase our ability to love and stay engaged. To stay engaged and in
relationship in the complex interplay of human fumbling and bumbling is to live out the hope and
grace of religious covenant, the foundation of Unitarian Universalism.
 Because Compassionate Communication embraces the heart of Unitarian Universalism and because
inner peace is not separate from outer peace, seeking to grow and practice peacemaking in our hearts
and congregations is a priority. Our sense of urgency arises from our capacity for individual, group,
community, and societal violence, domination, and broken relationships, much of which we may
unwittingly be a part. Suffering may be ever present, yet the possibility of peace and healing arises in
every thought, breath, word, and action.
 With this possibility of being the peace we wish to see in the world, we seek leading the change in our
congregations and in our communities. We do not lose our way in anger and hurt because we
recognize the opportunities inherent in conflict and relational tension to increase our own capacity for
peacemaking within, among and between. By turning anger into a celebration of mourning unmet
needs we can stay in relationship in the midst of conflict and enhance our ability to hear and consider
everyone’s needs. By letting go of specific outcomes and strategies, we engage ever more deeply and
joyfully with one another. With an invitation to play, we eventually overcome the differences between
our strategies to meet needs, and instead concentrate on developing our collective spiritual life. In
this creative milieu, we have the chance to truly understand the needs, dreams, and longings of
others. In this understanding our congregations become ever-stronger centers of liberation and
service.
 Knowing the importance of support in this work, and how we as Unitarian Universalists in the
"Creating Peace" Statement of Conscience covenanted to create peace through developing Peace
Teams to provide training in compassionate communication and conflict resolution, and by learning
and practicing the skills of compassionate communication,

 Let our shared this practice of peace by joining together on our email list serve
http://lists.uua.org/mailman/listinfo/uu-speakingpeace and on our website
(http://www.uuspeakpeace.org).
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Nonviolent Communication Learning Resources and Materials

Rev. LoraKim Joyner, D.V.M. ([email protected])

Recommended Books:

 Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life - Marshall Rosenberg (the classic)

 Nonviolent Communication Companion Work Book - Lucy Leu (to lead study groups in
congregations)
 Respectful Parents, Respectful Kids: 7 Keys to Turn Family Conflict into Cooperation - Sura
Hart and Victoria Kindle Hodson (to apply the principles to parenting)
 The No-Fault Classroom – Sura Hart
 Being Genuine: Stop Being Nice, Start Being Real - Thomas D'Ansembourg (new, more
advanced book)
 Connecting Across Differences -- Jane Marantz Connor & Dian Killian (examples geared to
young adults)
 NVC Toolkit for Facilitators - Raj Gill et al.
 Grok it! 150 Exercises and Games - Jean Morrison (commuicanteforlife.com)

NVC Training Organizations, Websites, and Resources

 NVC Academy: flexible online and teleconference trainings www.nvctraining.com
 Bay NVC: regular trainings in San Francisco area, frequent trainings throughout US
www.baynvc.org
 Center for Nonviolent Communication: Varied trainings in US and internationally
www.cnvc.org
 Local Groups: www.NVCSarasota.com (Florida) , www.capitolnvc.org (DC area),
www.ganvc.org (Georgia)
 Information/learning: www.nvcwiki.org, www.growingcompassion.org

Further Contact or Projects with LoraKim Joyner

 Compassionate Communication and Human Dimensions of Conservation (consultation in

conservation and wildlife) www.compassionateconservation.com
 Compassionate Communication www.beyondwrongdoing.blogspot.com
 Conservation (Director One Earth Conservation and Lafeber Conservation and Wildlife)
www.oneearthconservation.com, www.lafeberconservationwildlife.com
 Nature Poetry as Spiritual Practice www.yearsrisingmaryoliver.blogspot.com
 Multispecies Community Musings www.liberatingwings.typepad.com
 Multispecies Awareness Encounters