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TEEN ISSUES:
COMMUNICATING WITH YOUR TEEN
 Topics and Conversations
 The Skill of Problem Exploration

The Challenge and the Hope

The key to a healthy relationship with your teen is keeping the lines of
communication open. However, finding ways to communicate with them can be
a challenge when they seem to have little interest in us or maintaining a
relationship with us and they seem so absorbed with their peers.
Remember, though, that teens really do want their parents involved with them,
but on their terms.
Here are some ideas to help you stay connected:

Topics teens say they want to talk about with their

parents
 Family issues
 Emotional issues – having parents say they love them
 Big philosophical issues – what parents think about God, politics, why
people and countries fight
 Their own future – as teens, in college and beyond
 Personal interests
 Their own lives
 Current events
Ideas and questions to start a conversation with your

teen
 How was today on a scale of 1 to 10?
 What was the high point and the low point of your day?
 Tell me the good news and the bad news about school today (work,
practice, camp, etc).
 What’s a thought or feeling you had today?
 What happened today that you did not expect?
 I’m wondering what you’re thinking about (if your teen seems preoccupied).
Would you be willing to talk to me about it?
 Tell me about something good that’s happened since the last time we
talked.
 Describe something you have done recently that you are proud of.
 What’s on your mind these days?
 Tell me about something you are looking forward to these days?
 Tell me about something you did this week to help someone else.
 Tell me about how someone helped you this week.
Messages teens need to hear from their parents

You can say these things in ways that are comfortable for you – find your own
voice. It is the underlying message that matters, not the actual words that are
used.
 I love you (unconditionally) and will always love you.
 You belong in this family. You are important to all of us.
 I will be here for you regardless of any mistakes you may make.
 I know there will be times when you will make mistakes in judgment and be
more impulsive than you will one day be.
 I also understand that right now it is hard to focus on others because so
much is going on inside you in so many ways. It won’t always be that way.
 Believe it or not, I really once was a teenager. I know that it is hard to

believe.
 I am learning about you as you grow up. I appreciate all the good things
about you and the potential I see for you to become a wonderful adult in
this world.
 I know that sometimes you don’t like the rules I impose on you. I have
them to keep you safe and to help you grow.
 Thank you for trying so hard.
 You can be a little kid sometimes and an almost adult at other times. I
understand that and it is okay with me.
 I am really not out to get you or to ruin your life although I know that at
times it may seem like I am.
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The Skill of Problem Exploration
Whenever teens can be included in the process of

exploring a problem and participating in generating solutions, they are much
more likely to cooperate, comply and accept consequences.
A Problem Exploration and Conflict Resolution process gives you a way to
include your teen in finding ways to handle conflicts and differences that arise
in your family.
The process needs to be respectful and provide emotional safety for each
person and be constructive for the parent/child relationship.
You can use this approach to model healthy ways to address problems and
conflicts. Often the decision about how to resolve the problem is not as
important as the process itself.
The goals are to:

 Build and maintain a healthy relationship
 Encourage the child’s budding sense of autonomy and independence
 Build the teen’s sense of competency
 Encourage the teen to be more involved and more responsible

 Maintain an atmosphere of respect
 Role model fair and effective ways to handle problems and conflicts
The steps include:

 Describing the problem behaviorally without blaming, shaming
 Explaining why it is a problem
 Each person explains his perspective, needs, feelings
 Brainstorming possible ways to solve or manage the problem
 Choosing a solution to try
 Developing possible consequences if someone does not live up to his end of

the deal
 Checking how everyone is feeling about the fairness of the process
 Checking back after an established period of time to evaluate effectiveness

of solution

____________________________________________________________

For more information about raising a teen, check out the following books.
Purchasing from Amazon.com through our website supports the work we do to
help parents do the best job they can to raise their children.

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LIBRARY OF ARTICLES::

The Challenge and the Hope

Here are some ideas to help you stay connected:

Topics teens say they want to talk about with their

 Emotional issues – having parents say they love them

 Their own future – as teens, in college and beyond

 Their own lives

Ideas and questions to start a conversation with your

 How was today on a scale of 1 to 10?

 What’s a thought or feeling you had today?

 What happened today that you did not expect?

 What’s on your mind these days?

 Tell me about something you are looking forward to these days?

 Tell me about how someone helped you this week.

Messages teens need to hear from their parents

 I love you (unconditionally) and will always love you.

 You belong in this family. You are important to all of us.

 Believe it or not, I really once was a teenager. I know that it is hard to

 Thank you for trying so hard.

<return to top of page

The Skill of Problem Exploration

Whenever teens can be included in the process of

The goals are to:

 Encourage the child’s budding sense of autonomy and independence

 Build the teen’s sense of competency

 Encourage the teen to be more involved and more responsible

The steps include:

 Explaining why it is a problem

 Each person explains his perspective, needs, feelings

 Brainstorming possible ways to solve or manage the problem

 Choosing a solution to try

 Developing possible consequences if someone does not live up to his end of

 Checking how everyone is feeling about the fairness of the process

 Checking back after an established period of time to evaluate effectiveness

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