SUBWAYS ARE FOR SLEEPING Book and Lyrics by Betty Comden and Adolph Green Music by Jule Styne March 7, 1960Agron Scena 1 MUSEUM, Section of the Egyptian wing of the Metropolitan Museum of Art. Center - a sarcophagus ~ a door marked private - a standing mumny ease or two - hieroglyphic wall decorations, ete, - eerie lighting - tn old museum GUARD enters - goes over to the sarcophagus and discreetly knocks on it. GUARD (JOE) Mr. Bailey, time to get upl Museum opens in five minutes, TOM'S VOICE (From inside) Thanks Joe, I'm upl GUARD Sleep well? Tom (sitting up) Wonderful, as usuall (He Jumps out wearing pajamas and bathrobe, Takes from the mummy case some clothes - goes out through the door marked private while JOE tidies up. He takes a pillow and small mattress from the sarcophagus and puts them in the mummy case) JOE (Calling in to TOM) It's pretty warm for December, Mr. Bailey, Will you be spending your day in the museum? (TOM reenters from the little door ~ having dressed in a gray flannel suit, white shirt - finishes tieing his tle - puts on his hat and coat, handed to him by JOE - who takes the pajamas and puts them in the mummy case) ‘TOM No Joe, after my morning chores, I have to drop in at Grand Central, then to the park, as usual, then on to the. library for the rest of the afternoon,1-1-2 JOE (Brushing off his coat) Don't forget = today's Thursday. I'm off tonight! (He locks the mummy case) ‘TOM Thanks, Joe. See you tomorrow night. If anyone calls, this evening I'll be sleeping on the subway. ‘By Joe. JOE Good-by Mr, Bailey! (There is the sound of opening museum bells - people's voices ~ as TOM, carrying his briefcase, Waike off briskly)1-2-3 son on Scene _ 2 GRAND_CBNIRAL Combination of waiting room and entrances to trains, People on penches - others scurrying from trains and to trains, Sound of announcements of trains on p.a. system, On a level above, a diorama which lights up and moves with cut out figures once or twice during the action, accompanied by. @ jingle = under it a sign saying "The National Trust Co, ~ For people who are going places" ~ big picture of husband with briefcase waving cheery goodby to smiling wife in the doorway of an attractive house, a small ohild clutching her skirt and weving to daddy. Men dressed like the man in the ad - and a general cross section of people...porter, chauffeur, lady and three poodles and bags, career girls, ete, Music - gay, like an Offenback piece or the prelude to "Carmen" ‘The people all look grim and deter- mined as they move to the gay music - all intent on "going places". Seated on a bench is a somewhat shabby man reading 2 book - GUARD looks at him suspiciously and comes up to him, euaRD (Nudging him) Listen buddy, I've been watching you for the last hour. This ain't nd flop house. Now move along, MAN (Showing card) I happen to be J. Hiward Sykes - vice president of your railroad. I'm waiting for my wife, She's due in from Rochester.12-4 GUARD (Horribly flustered) Ohl! Excuse me, Mr. Sykes! I should have recognized you! Your picture is hanging in the washroom, I'm terribly sorry! Tis (He backs away and trips over another MAN as he turns around abruptly, The MAN's ticket falls out of the fold of his briefcase.) Oh, pardon me, sir! (Picks up ticket and briefcase) Your ticket sirl ‘Ticket to Buffalo! Here it is, sirl (He hands ticket and briefcase to the MAN) MAN (TOM) Thank you. (In his suit he looks like many others there, plus man in the diorama. Folds his néwspaper and stands up) (To the audience) Funny thing, he mistook a gentleman for a bum -- and he tool me for a gentleman! I used to be. “In fact, except, for the family, I used to be just like that man up there - "going places’, Iwas a rising young tycoon. Mr. Vision they called me, Then overnight I suddenly over extended my reach and my name was changed to Jack Bmbezaler, I had about a year and a half's time in prison to think 1t over. Oh well, enough of that, About this ticket to Buffalo - perfectly good ticket - i've had it for three years, Never going to use it. But with it, I symbolize a man about to go to Buffalo, Without it, I symbolize a bum, Ladies and gentlemen, what is a bum? Someone with no address and no visible means of support, To my way of thinking, I have several regular addresses: the subways, the Metropolitan Museum, the New York Public Library and the U.N, - and a bench in Madison Square Park and the Waldorf - the cafeteria, that is, Sut the police department doesn't seem to accept any of these as a bonafide hearth and home, That's where my costume comes in handy ~ it's a camouflage. Some day 1t will be behind a glass case in the armor room of every museum in the country, the gray flannel suit, and the sincere tie - the official Twentieth Century battliedresa of the Imight-srrant of Madison Avenue ~ Sir Soft Sell, Of course I don't happen to sell anything. I carn my dollar and a half, which is all I need, every day like clockwork by walking a dog for some people, Now some of you may not think of that as manly - or wildly ambitious - but it's Invigorating outdoor work, and gives the dog and me a real feeling of accomplishment, The rest of the time I spend in seeing things, reading, studying. (He looks around at the station)1-2-5 TOM (Cont'd) Now I come here about twice a week - stimulating place - full of people going, coming, waiting - part of the main stream of life, As for me, I just dropped in to change my shirt, I always keep a change of linen in a locker here. (He walks down toward locker) oh by the way, a little tip for beginners; if you ever have to hang around for eny length of time in a waiting room, carry a newspaper - don't be caught reading a book like our unfortunate friend, the vice president. You can't blame that guard, He made a natural mistake: anybody reading a book in @ public place has got to be a suspicious character - a communist - a bum, or something, There are others here like me, Can you pick thom from the solid citizens? (He starts changing his shirt - and Starts to sing: "MAINSTREAM", On the second chorus - two others, HARRY and GUS, join him and continue the number, HARRY is older, professional, neatly dressed, GUS always carried a sketch pad and pencil, 4s they move across, they part company and the scene gnanges) (LYRIC TO "MAINSTREAM" ) There's a mainstream full of traffic and ships And it rush rush rushes to the sea -- But there's a quiet little eddy off the mainstream find that's where you'll find me. There's a maintrack where the diesels roll by fmd go rush rush rushing to the West, But there's a slow-poke little trunk line off the maintrack @hat's how I like to travel best. There's a main street through the big town Full of folks rush rushing on the go And there's a winding little side street off the main street Where I can stop and take it slow And find out things I'd like to know And maybe find my dream -- Off the Mainstreet, off the Main track -- off the Mainstream, (NUMBER: ‘In Music and dance --- TOM'S DAY) {We see TOM taking books out of his triefease - sitting and reading. fs he reads -- a kind of processional dance suggesting the subjects he is covering begins .. Egyption, Viking, Greek Roman - Elizabethan - Neanderthal = Colonial characters, etc.)1-2-6 (Backgrounds keep changing as well = different museums - etc, At the U.N, he puts on ear phones -- and we hear foreign languages -- see diplomats, Indian delegates, etc, Possibly we see him and other citizens moving in a spiral pattern - through painting - to sugsost ‘the Guggenheim Museum -~ ete.1 ‘ 3-7 AGT ONE Scene 3 PARK BENCH in Madison Square Park, GUS and HARRY seated on bench, TOM comes in, Whenever a police- man comes by they put their newspapers up and start reading casually. HARRY Hi, Tom -~ TOM Hi -- just made my usual rounds of the park, Went out for coffee for a couple of the elevator men. Do you know there are 112 buildings around this park? ‘Two shifts of three elevator men each - they house exactly - 804 different pusinesses. I added up all the names on the different directories - ranging from babies! teething rings to skin- Giving equipment. Pop Wheeler, night watchman at 321 is still out with rheumatism, Anyone come by asking for me? HARRY Not yet, Look what I found in an ashean - "Jurgen" by James Branch Cabell -- ‘TOM I always wanted to read that. HARRY ‘Time was you had nothing to say at a dinner party if you hadn't read that book, ‘TOM How'd it go last night, Harry? HARRY Fine, thanks for the tip. qQus: (Sketching during this) What was 10? HARRY Washing dishes at Edna's place ~ 19th and 2nd, Continental preakfast Included, I cleared $3. after taxes. ‘TOM That job's good for about ten days. Going back tonight?1-3-8 HARRY Not me, Imade my bundle, I'm retiring while I'm still young énough to enjoy the good things of life. Gus IM take it, Getting cooler now, Harder and harder to Pind a place to sleep. I followed your advice, Tom, and tried the reading room at the Public Library. I caught a two hour nap over “Lady Chatterley's Lover" - but after closing I had to hit the subway. ‘TOM By the way, next time you're in the library, try the micro- film room, aus Oh yeah - what's that? TOM Well, they've got all the back copies of the New York Times - way, way back - transferred to film page by page. Now you ask for the issues you want - and you go into a little dark room, You look through a little peep hole and you read the magnified page - or you just fall asleep, They'll leave you alone for four or five hours. aus (Eagerly) Yeah? Ask for any old issue? TOM Well, it's best to appear to be doing some research on some subject. For example, I once went every day for two weeks reading up on New York ticker tape parades,.,all those great achievements - lindbergh flying the Atlantic - Ederle's swimming the Channel - Admiral Byrd landing on the South Pole = Gloria Swanson marrying a Marquis -- (A POLICEMAN passes - they all read) HARRY You know, funny thing happened at Edna's tonight. A fellow burst into the kitchen by mistake looking for the men's room = while Iwas doing my dishes, Turned out to be a former Student of mine at the University. Poor chap was stunned speechless. I said, "It's all right, kid, I make more money in this racket than I did teaching.” (A veal down-and-out BUM walks in ~ bedraggled and dirty) BUM One of you guys Tom Bailey? TOM Yes?1-3-9 BUM I just come in from Detroit, Dan Briggs said I should look you up. TOM Sure, Here's a dime -- get a plate of soup at Mike's on 1th’ Street, He'll tell you where to wash up, They need @ relief night watehman tonight right across the street there - Points at number 67, Ask for Mr, Tompkins the elevator man, Tell him I sent you, After they pay you, you can give me back my dime, BUM Thanks, JI asked a guy in Newark if he knew where I could find you, He said you're here every day between 2 and 4. TOM Yop, Halley's Better Business Bureau - Every day including Sunday, On rainy days my office is indoors - that's any door around the park, Good luck, (The BUM salutes and goes) (An attractive breezy young FELLOW in a sport jacket comes over to them) CHARLIE ‘Tom! TOM, {Pleased to see him) Charlie -- 1 What are you doing around here? CHARLIE My singing teacher's right there across the park - I thought Tita just stop by and see you, (To the others) | Hiya, fellas. (GUS and HARRY greet him) Tom, I feel great, just great! Just come from the best singing lesson I ever had. I really belted those high ones today, boy! Professor Sabatini says "Next year - the Met." ‘TOM You're off from work early today, Milk company on strike? CHARLIE Milk company? I'm not there anymore, They wanted to make me assistant manager of the Bronx plant, First thing you know, my soul belongs to Mr, Borden and my singing career goes down the drain,1-3-10 aus (Sneering) What singing career? (Under most of the following ~ GUS and HARRY sing refrain: "Next year - he'll sing at the Met Next year - he'll sing at the Met - He'll be a star - he'll go far - But in the meantime - between time, - Next year - he'll sing at the Met." etc.) CHARLIE. Listen - I would have auditioned for the Met this year - put I had laryngitis the day they were hearing baritones. And it's a lucky thing too, because I'm really not quite ready yet. I'm not gonna get up there and blow it, y'know, I'm waiting till I'm good and ready. HARRY First time I heard you say that, Charlie, was five years BBOvee CHARLIE Jeez - has it been that long? ‘Let's see - I came back from Korea in '53, and -- yeah -- guess you're right, (Back to TOM) You know, another thing about that milk company, they got mad because I made so many outside calis, At that printing company I had my own phone line - and at that travel agency all the stamps and postcards I needed, Gee, I gotta have a job where I can keep in touch, Mind 1f I do my postcards here? TOM Go ahead, CHARLIE (Takes cards from his pocket. While writing and addressing cards) Stamped posteards - courtesy Borden Milk Company. Just keeping in touch, People's birthdays, anniversaries, get well cards, It's amazing how much people appreciate a little thing like being thought of, Every ten cards I send out, T average say four, five dinner or overnight invitations, You know even if I had a million dollars, I wouldn't have a place of my own. I'd never be in it. (He keeps writing) HARRY Let's see your schedule for the week, Charlie. CHARLIE (Hands them a smal] black book from his pocket) Surel1-3-11 HARRY (Reading) "Priday night - dinner -- Andy Fishlers - Yonkers. Transportation to Yonkers: Meet Zach Schwartz at 17th Street automat for free ride, Saturday - free ride back with Andy," cus (Continuing) "While there - fix Hi-fi set. Saturday night - Montclair, New Jersey for week-end -- larry and Elsie Purdy, Trans- portation to Montolair: meet Elsie in town for shopping at Bonwit's for free ride. Be sure to meet someone over weekend driving back to town Monday." HARRY (Picking up) "Build play pen for their kid while there." Hey, what about tonight? Oh, here's Thursday, "Dinner - Stewart Gates. Black tie." Black tie? Oh - (Reading) "Borrow dinner jacket from Max Hillman, Brunswick Arms Hotel - in town for chiropodists! convention." TOM Eight years ago Harry Shelby walked out of his economics class in the middle of a lecture and next went back. Gus Holt used to be a fairly successful commercial artist - One day, six years ago, he walked out on his third wife - and out of his office and never went back, Charlie Smith -- he's from California ~- His father was one of those ruthless original Hollywood movie tycoons, Died broke, Charlie never liked the movie business. CHARLIE Yeah. You keep up with the society page - it finally pays off, (Takes clipping out of his pocket and puts 1t back) last week I see this picture - Stewart Gates and this girl = about to be married, Well, he's an old schoolmate of mine = Black Fox Military Academy. I drop him a congratulatory card - and this morning in my Post Office box is an invita- tion to this big dinner party. HARRY Stewart Gates, Hey! Iwas just reading a story on him in Time Magazine - just last week. Brilliant young exec. Vice-President of E-Z - Cola - wasn't it? Well, well - stiil buddy-buddies?1-3-12 CHARLIE Never - he was a stuffed chirt at ten. Haven't seen him in - oh, a dozen years, But dinner is dinner - and might lead to more dinners. But if I want it to lead to more dinners I better brush up on my upper-echelon type dialogue, fom, you know all that - give me a couple of key phrases to sling around. (NUMBER: TOM, CHARLIE, and the OTHERS - BIG BUSINESS SONG...)1-4-13 ACT ONE Scene 4 ANGIE'S APARTMENT, An elegant living room -- all over the place suitcases and unpacked clothes, Phones ringing, bells pinging all through scene. STEWART GATES, a good-looking executive type is talking to a reporter from Time, He is singing a verse of THE BIG’ BUSINESS song we have jusi eard, REPORTER May I quote that, Mr, Gates? STEWART Certainly. You're asking me the same thing everyone asks -~ how does a man take @ simple product -- almost a simple- minded product -- and make it an international necessity - a multi-million dollar operation,.,3-Z-Cola, the 5 cent drink! E-Z-Cola moseyed along for thirty-five years. It's the same drink today. It just took a little visionl ‘The only added ingredients was Freud! REPORTER Freud? STEWART (With glib assurance) Freud and a little Pavlov thrown in, I refer to selling techniques - the repeated slogan with the conditioned responses adapted to worldwide saturation methods; gratification of sensual needs on a basic child's level; packaging in gay colors; promise of social popularity; subliminal factors -~ All that jazzl (He laughs self-deprecatingly) I didn't think of it -- just know how to juggle them the right way - and, well there, that's all there is to it! REPORTER Uh huh, How long do you plan to be away on this trip, Mr, Gates? STEWART Well, as first vice-president, I make these trips primarily to touch on every outpost of the E-Z-Cola empire -~ (At this point ANGIE enters carrying an armload of dresses, She is lovely and smartly dressed in a handsome housecoat)1-4 REPORTER And the purpose of the trip? ANGIE (Putting the dresses down) The purpose, Mr. Merton, is to drive home the fact that every other Cola drink is poisonous! STEWART (Laughing) Angie! It also happens to be my honeymoon, This is the girl I'm going to marry tomorron, Mr, Merton - Miss Angie NeKay. MERTON How do you do, STEWART iim also taking my personal secretary along on my honeymoon, She happens to be not only indispensable, but the most attractive, alluring, luscious, irresistible girl in the world. In case you're wondering if my wife-to-be will mind this - I want you to know - they are one and the same personi MERTON (Dryly) I know, Miss McKay had your press department send over all the dope, Well, I'11 get going. (Bells have been ringing all through this) MAID (Entering with packages) More wedding presents, Miss McKay. ANGIE (Abstractedly) Throw them out the window, Claire STEWART Angiel ANGIE (Recovering herself) Oht I -- I've been having so many shots -- I'm getting groggy! Uh - over near the window, Claire, on the floor, And let's get started on the packing, shall we? Warm things in Separate bags - lightweight things in the others, CLAIRE Very good, Miss, (She starts sorting clothes, etc,)14-15 ANGIE (Referring to a pad) I've done this for you a hundred times, S,G, It should be simple, And you'd better get back to your apartment, Stewart, I've made all your appointments there instead of at the office, You're all packed - your barber's coming up at five, and Stevens and Humboldt both have papers for you to lool over. (To the reporter) Imagine, Mz, Merton, thousands of full grown men growing thousands of full grown ulcers to bring the enlightenment of a little brown syrup to ignorant natives all over the globe, STEWART (Laughing a bit uncomfortably. Walking MERTON to the door) Merton, Angie has been with me seven years - and she's been a one man IBM, Univac, psychoanalyst, bodyguard, and Giplomatie corps and her caustic wit often cuts me down to size. MERTON I see what you mean. Goodbye. (He goes) (DOCTOR 1s coming through the door) STEWART Hello, Doctor Williams. DOCTOR Hello, Got your third series of shots for you, Angie, Hate to do this all at once, Any grogginess? ANGIE A little, (To maid) No, Claire - that's the London suitcase, No slacks in that one, (To DOCTOR) You see, everything has to be sent ahead to different places = and every place requires different - STEWART Better give her a vitamin B complex along with them to pep her up, ANGIE If there's any space left back there. DOCTOR Let's see - (Reading list) so far you've had smallpox, typhus, diphtheria, tetanus, malaria, cholera - only four to go today. (Starts preparing his needles)1-4-6 ANGIE Better get two more bags, Claire, And don't send all those wools to Switzerland, I forgot about Helsinki - bathing suits or ice skates? And set aside a warm coat for India - it's cold there in the mountains, they say. DOCTOR (Indicating screen) Angle, please. STEWART Be sure you have all the right duds for the right places, my sweet, Don't forget - we'll be representing B-2-Cola all over the world, ANGIE Is that what we represent all over the world! (She goes behind the screen - head and shoulders visible, Suddenly serious) Oh, Stewart, I'm finally beginning to realize all this is really going to happen, We're really getting married. (STEWART joins her behind the screen. So does the DOCTOR) STEWART Of course we are, darling. (They kiss, and as they do, the DOCTOR gives ANGIE an injection, She yells and jumps) Look, Angle, around the office, I've always enjoyed your sense of humor, I don't care what you say about the product, | put as my wife, you're going to be with people who won't think it's funny, And I've got to take 1t seriously. ‘ Everywhere I go I have to generate faith in the product. | ANGIE Hallelujah! STEWART. j (Warming to his subject) | Listen, America's made more friends through that little ten-cent drink than hundreds of diplomats, It represents Yankee optimism.,,and I feel good about that. ANGIE You get ten cents for a drink that costs you two and a half cents to make and bottle and ship - that's what you feel good about! ~~ STEWART Well, people could buy another drink! They really like i E-Z-Colal !ANGIE 1-417 Why shouldn't they? It gives them a charge. You just barely got by the drug act, didn't you? STEWART Now look here (Another shot) ANGIE Onl + (STEWART takes her in his arms) STEWART Darling, I'm sorry] I love you. ANGIE Oh Stewart! (They kiss and begin song: "GETTING MARRIED", Starts ecstatically - a pretty song... straight. In the course of a patter section, he reveals to her how much he needs a mother, that it will now be a joint return, she'll continue her job in an ironclad contract. She sings in a patter how she worked for him and it grew naturally into marriage. Another sweet chorus. A patter about their life ahead together ~ the company - the selling of cola to the natives,..at last it is really her life in every way. During it she goes back of screen a couples of times for injections. After song, they kiss) ANGIE Stewart, you'd better run along, You'll be late. MAID (Zntering) Here's the guest liat for tonight's dinner party ANGIE (Taking it) Oh - thank yous Miss McKay.1-4-18 STEWART You take care of the seating plan, darling, and pick me up at eight. (Kisses her) "Bye. ANGIE "Bye. DR, WILLIAMS (Calling after STEWART) Congratulations! STEMART (Exiting) Thanks. DR, WILLIAMS (Observing ANGIE with some concern) Now, I'm leaving you some sleeping pills. Don't take a drink - not even one - with all those shots in you. ANGIE (Hugging him) Thanks, Doc, Thanks for everything. (The DOCTOR exits, and the MAID enters again) MAID Here are some more presents, Miss, And the office just sent up this list for you to memorize, ANGIE (Reading list) “How to say ‘Greetings from America - home of E-Z-Cola' in 18 languages, I know it's silly, but please learn these e's vital, Your stuffy but loving 8.¢." "Peqicttations des Btats-Unis place de naissance de E-Z-Cola," "gpussen von den Vereinigten Staten das Heim land von E-Z- Cola." "Salud,,.ete." Italian...étc. Finnish..,ete. I better get to that packing, Hand me my dirty slacks, Claire, (She puts on o1@ slacks, a shirt, sneakers - gets to work. The memorizing, plus the atranging of the guest list, little papers she arranges and rearranges - plus the packing and repacking - all work into a routine - to music, She also takes a drink and two pills - answers phone calls too. The music is all based on "GETTING MARRIED," She is getting woozier and woozier - more mixed up - more keyed up as” she works)1-419 ANGIE (Cont'd) (To the maid and to herself) Look, I'm twenty-seven - no, twenty-eight. It seemed like a good idea at the time. (More packing and reciting foreign phrases Must go somewhere to think, Where? Where do you do your thinking, Claire? CLAIRE On, I have a long subway ride to work, Miss, I guess that's where I do my thinking. (The pace of the number reaches a furious climax - ANGIE holds up a picini) ANGIE This is for Spitzbergerl (She grabs a fur parka) And this is for Egyptl (The phone rings) Hullol (She is so groggy now she seems drunk) Yes, darling! Fick me up instead? Robbing me of my male initiativel Just kidding, darling. Very sweet of you. Five minutes? Sure I'm ready! Felicitations de Vereinigten Staten de Ja dimora della E-Z-Colatinol (She hangs up) Sure I'm ready. {She looks around in a kind of panic, fo the MAID) Im -- I'm -- just tell him I went out for a breath of fresh airl (She grabs a trenchcoat - and putting it on ~ rushes out)1-5-20 ACT ONE Scene 5 FLOOR AT THE BRUNSWICK ARMS HOTEL, We see a corner of a hall ina feirly seedy hotel - a sign on the wall says Brunswick Arms. There are numbered doors, Three quarters of this can fly to reveal Martha's room... still leaving the corridor alongside it Sand her door. CHARZIE, very disgruntled - in evening clothes is walking down the hall with his friend, MAK. MAX You didn't get any stains on my suit, did you? CHARLIE How could I? The dinner was called off. Gates' Fiancee was indisposed or something, so they called it off, Thanks for the suit anyway. MAX Don't mention it. You'll grab a bite in ay room, CHARLIE (Lighting up a bit) Thanks, Max. Max first you could do me a favor. In this room... (He indicates) is a dish. How do I know? Her window is right across m mine - and this dish -- well, you'll sce what I mean, She's been giving me I think what’could only be termed a high sign. But you kiow te, out of towner, sort of worried type fella - an@ I was wondering if you'd knock on her door and sorta smooth the way for me = y'know? CHARLIE (Disgusted but stuck) Aw, gee, Nax --~ (They go up the corridor and are not seen. THE DROP GOES UP REVEALING MARTHA'S ROOM) But liste1-6-21 AGT ONE Scene 6 A fairly seedy hotel room, A ded, desk, chair - phonograph, a tape recorder, Hanging on the closet door is & bulging garment bag, which contains as we oan see from the coller sticking out at the top - a mink coat, In front of the unshaded window, MARTHA is doing her nails, She is a beautiful plonde, wearing nothing but a large turkish towel, provocatively @raped, Across from her windov, we can make out that there is a window directly across a court from hers. ‘fo men, Mr, Pitman, the hotel manager and his assistant, come down the hall to her door and knock on it) MARTHA Yeah? PITMAN Open the door, Miss Vail. MARTHA (Charming Southern accent) I'm sorry. I'm indisposed. PITMAN Miss Vail, are you ready to relinquish your room? We have a long waiting list. MARTHA I'm a very sick person, I can't be moved. PITMAN Look, your bill ~ ten weeks, You're gonna pay it or get out. (No answer) Look, aren't you ever going to go out and take a walk or some shring? You haven't been out of your room in over a month. MARTHA, I've been readin' a book, I'm a very slow reader. PITMAN Miss Vail, we're going to have to turn off your phone.1-6-22 (She leaps to door - opens it with chain across = they can see her ~ they react to how she looks) MARTHA (A1L sweetness) Gentlemen, there's been a terrible misunderstanding, If I don't have my phone, I can't reach my Uncle Randolph in Mississippi. There's been some delay in my monthly allowance. Pray You have 24 hours to get it. or we'll have to find a way to throw you out...and keep that mink coat and phonograph and ape machine and anything else you got! (They leave) MARTHA Oh, Mr, Pitman! PIoMan (Coming back without other man) Yes, Martha? (A hopeful note in his voice) MARTHA Mr, Pitman, if you happen to be going out later, would you mind bringing me back a hamburger with ketchup - rare? PITMAN Oh come on, Martha - I got on to that one weeks ago, Little girls shouldn't make such big promises! (He goes. MARTHA thinks a second, Then parades provocatively in front of the window - checking to see what's happening across the court, She then demurely pulls down the shade and goes to the phone) MARTHA Get me Wang Ling's.,.Hello = this is Miss Martha Vail - Room 307 ~ Brunswick Arms Hotel - vould you send up double orders of egg roll, wanton soup, chicken subgum, chow mein, pork sweet and sour, fried rice’and tea - no, no fortune cookies - and hurry, No, I can't come down for it, I'm a captive in a noodle factory ~ send it up, You'll get a big fat tip -- (She hangs up. books at herself in the mirror, Bell rings - primps some more ~ bell rings again - she puts the chain across the door - then opens it an inch) Yes --1-6-23 CHARLIE (Outside door) I'm from the window right across the court ~~ MARTHA And? CHARLIE Well, since we're neighbors, I thought I'd drop over and borrow a cup of sugar. (She opens door and lets him in. She is surprised) MARTHA You don't live across the court! CHARLIE How did you know? MARTHA Windows work both ways. CHARLIE Oh, that's my friend, Miles Standish - I'm just visiting. He’sent me over to find out if you'd be interested in coming out to dinner. He's from out of town - shy type ~ but he feels in the last three days he's grown accustomed to your face, Now he'd like to take you out and see what you look like with your clothes on. MARTHA Tell your fricnd there's laws about Peeping Toms, TI have to dress like this because I'm sick, I got very sensitive skin and I don't go out in the fall or the winter. If I bundle up in wool and fure, I break out in pitoriasis roses. TI get swats, @izzy spells, double vision and chills, In short, Tim forced to hibernate for the winter, CHARLIE Well, o,k. Miles'll be desolate. Goodnight. MARTHA (Trying to detain hin) You haven't even told me your nane, CHARLIE Alden - John Alden. MARTHA Really? CHARLIE Charlie Smith, really.1-6-2h MARTHA Martha Vail... CHARLIE (Getting ready to leave) Pleased to have met ~ MARTHA (Detains him) You're probably vondering why I don't move to Floride ~ CHARLIE Yes, T have been brooding about it. MARTHA Well, I can't stand the sun. It gives me shingles and I get ved as a beet in two minutes, In Atlantic City I almost died. Twas in the hospital for a month after the Miss America pageant a few years ago. I was Miss Mississippi. CHARLIE No kidding. MARTHA Those judges (Makes money gesture with fingers) Payola! know whet I mean? Whole thing was fixed. CHARLIE Sure... MARTHA You don't believe me. 1'11 show you my scrapbooks! (She goes to get them - knock on ‘the door) Yes? VOICE Wang Ling. (Opens door) MARTHA On, thank you - (Reaches for box - be holds it) WANG Four doller twenny fi cenn, MARTHA Oh dear, (Touches towel) I seem to be out of change. Must have a hole in my pocket, Charlie, would you be a love - I'll pay you right back. My purse if in the bathroom, I keep my dishes in there, too. (She runs into the bathroom)1-6-25 CHARLIE Oh - all right - sure, (He vewilderedly takes out his money and pays the man) MARTHA (From off stage) And give him a dollar tip! (CHARLIE does and the man leaves, CHARLIE puts the bag of food on the table as MARTHA reenters with plates, Starts taking out the food) MARTHA Hope he didn't forget the soy sauce. CHARLIE Well, looks like its no soap about Miles, I mean Max, so I'11 be going. MARTHA Oh? Aren't you going to stay for dinner? CHARLIE I better not, dust give me my five bucks, please, WORTHA What? CHARLIE The five bucks I leid out, MARTHA I only said that for the benefit of Vang Ling's - to be sure my future credit is good. CHARLIB (Stumned) You mean I'm out Tive bucks? (She smiles) What would you have done if I hadn't been here when the egg rolls rolled in? MARTHA (Glancing at the window) Oh, I knew someone would be here, Come on - stay, Oh, don't look so glooty, You look like you can afford it, CHARLIE Sure I can afford it, If you had played your cards right I would have whisked you ovt of here into my hermetically sealed Cadillac, waiting downstairs,1-6-26 MARTHA Cadillac! Still, I couldn't go out - not until my condition improves a little, (Little cough) (CHARLIE takes her hand and starts the "little hand" aria from "Boheme") (Pulling hand away) Gee, that's pretty, CHARLIE Look, I don't know where the camera is concealed but you're acting for somebody, MARTHA You talk like you're from show business, CHARLIE Well, I know everybody in show business, I - I - I'ma - I'm a opera singer, Fortunately my family left me independent - ly wealthy, so I can spend all my time studying - preparing myself. MARTHA (Takes scrapbooks out - shows him) Oh, Ising, too, You know, for my part in the talent com- petition in the Miss America contest, I had to do just about everything, Tap, toe, acrobatic, sing - popular and classical. Well, I'm trying to work it up into an act suitable for night clubs, I need terrif orchestrations, and costunes - and maybe four boys. CHARLIE You're giving the act very careful preparation, This picture says 1954, MARTHA Yeah, six years of heartaches, promises - illness, endless illness, I was going to get free furniture, television sets, washing machines, trips to the Caribbean, a lecture tour of Inspirational Words for Young America, an appearance on Ed Sullivan, a movie contract. It was all in the bag, I was naive, 1 didn't know about the payola. Me, giving and giving = and gettin' nothin', I'm gonna make 'em pay, Listen, youtre in show business - I guarantee if you see my act you'll tell me Iwas a Shoo-in, Look, I got this lovely tape of my act. But look, my tape machine's got no insides, so I can't play it, Well, I started out like this -- (NUMBER: "INTRODUCING MISSISSIPPI'S FAIREST anna ER = LOVED z MUSIC; Combination of Dixie and Columbia the Gem of the Ocean,1-6-27 Starts with introductory verses of her name and where she's from, etc, - cute rhymed couplets, ete, - patter - her various characters and into first hot pop song. He joins her near the end of it) MARTHA Hey, you're a regular Inzio Pinza. I could use you in my act. CHARLIE, (Excited) Tsang! Iwas singing! Do you know I never sang for anyone beforel - just my teacher! MARTHA Really. CHARLIE You were great! You made me do it, Never had the nerve before, J just opened my mouth and sang! (ile ts terribly smitten with her and excited) (Knock on door - 4 man is outside) MARTHA Yes? MAN Lemme in, Martha, It's Lionel - Lionel Winkler. MARTHA (Aside to CHARLIE) It's my dentist, What do you want? MAN What do I want? I want what I haven't gotten yet. I did all your dental work for nothing - three gold fillings and a porcelain cap - and I still haven't even seen the inside of your room - only the inside of your mouth, MARTHA I'm sorry, Lionel, but I'm sick. MAN I know - I've also sent up a dozen meals for the invalid. MARTHA Im very grateful - go ‘way. MAN Well, at least give me that maribou bed jacket that was supposed to be for my wife.1-6-28 MARTHA It's at the cleaner's, Lionel ~ MAN That's where you've taken me, too, Martha, Now, open up! MARTHA Now, Dr, Winkler, please don't force me to call Mrs, Winkler and the American Dental Association. MAN Aw, Martha! MARTHA Now, you run along now ~ ‘bye. MAN "Bye. (He shuffles out) (CHARLIE just looks at her) MARTHA The nerve of some people - I may sue him, I nearly bled to death in his office, He's a butcher, CHARLIE (Coldiy) Well, now that I've seen your act, I think I'll be getting along, I don't think there's anyone rich enough to afford you. (Phone rings) MARTHA Oh, don't go - Yes? It's for you, Charlie. CHARLIE: (On phone) Me? Hello? Oh, hi Max - oh, you weren't interrupting anything. What! Max - listen, you don't understand, No, I wasn't trying to make time myself, I was trying to fix you up. Max! Whaddya mean lock me out! I'm staying over’ at your place,..Max! (MAX has bung up, CHARLIE jiggles phone) Hey, you can't make any calls on this phone, (He runs to the window and yells) Hey, Max - don't pull the shade down ~ Max! (He comes back from the window furious) Swelll Swelll That's just dandy! What's the matter with me? I'm stuck with a tab for five bucks for a rotten Chinese meall I don't pick up tabs - people pick up my tabs, That's1-6~29 CHARLIE (Cont'd) a whole singing lesson! I had to work in a lousy milk factory to earn that! And for the first time all year, I haven't got a place to sleep for the night! . And now it's too late to make connections! (He riffles through his black book angrily. He and MARTHA look at each other) MARTHA Well, now that I've seen your act, buddy, you've got some nerve criticizing my act! CHARLIE (Lamely) Well, uh, it's only temporary. (PITMAN is seen coming down the hall to MARTHA's door) PITMAN (Through the door) Martha! (MARTHA motions “guiet" to CHARLIE) MARTHA Yes, Mr, Pitman? PITMAN We got some new orders. Christmas crowd is coming in starting tomorrow, (MARTHA hums "Decl the Halis") And we need your room, You owe us $1100. We know you got about $8,000 worth of furs and jewelry in there and we're gonna smoke you out, Martha. You've got till tomorrow night, The phone's already disconnected, Now we're gonna try something else, (The lights go out in her room) Like I said, we're gonna smoke you out, You got till tomorrow night, Martha, Good night. (He goes) CHARLIE $1100! What are you going to do? MARTHA Oh, I'l] think of something, You better go, I gotta make some plans.CHARLIE But -- $1100! I'll -- I'll come back tomorrow, MARTHA No, better not come back, Charlie, I can't afford you, you can see that, CHARLIE (Really concerned) But what are you gonna do? MARTHA Oh, don't worry about me, honey, Providence will take care of little Martha Vail, ‘Bye, Charlie, CHARLIE Goodbye. (She opens the door and he goes out reluctantly ) (As he goes down the hall, she can be heard singing a bit of her beauty Contest song)1-7-31 gor_ong Scene 7 Pillara ~ a bench = local station, In the background, last part of stairs leading down to platform. A number of people waiting. Sign at end opposite stairs with arrow pointing down, "Down Town Cros Over" TOM is seated on the bench reading a pile of newspapers ~ Scene opens with music, Movement of people on platform ~ ecraning - looking for train. Checking with their watches, People enter - some cross and go down stairs at opposite end. f family unit. A girl with two fellows, A girl alone, A fellow alone jooking for a girl. couple. Lady with big purse - locks around warily - opens purse = lets little dog or cat stick head out to breathe - then pops it in again and closes bag, GUARD comes through - glances at TOM, We see lights flicker; lobsterscope effect of train passing in front. Lights go past - train noise, Notse stops. MAN Come én! It's stopping up there! (He pulls his girl along off side of stage - others follow., ,indieating the train has stopped further up along the platform, fs noise of the train starting again begins, several people enter - and make for the stairs, CHARLIE enters, goes toward center of platform, TOM sees him) TOM Charlie! CHARLIE Oh, Hi, Tom! TOM Never seen you in this mine shaft before,2-7-5? CHARLIE Aw, what's the use? It's the Interborough Hotel for me tonight, too. Everything went wrong. My friend's dinner party is mysteriously called off, I don't know why = some- thing to do with his fiancee, and then over at the Brunswick Arms, I try to fix up a date for my pal, Max, there and this Kookie broad across the alley, Martha, kind of takes a shine to ms, so my pal gets mad and I blow my bed for the night, I'm new here, How do you work this? TOM Well, you oan always grab a good four hours shut-eye out of the subway, if you do it right, From here your best bot is = go down and across - grab a local to Sheepshead Bay. That's the end of the line - about an hour's worth, Then from there = back up to the end of the glorious Bronx = that takes a life time, Then come back here to Times Square, shuttle across and grab the other train out to Brownsville - then back and all the way up to Van Cortlandt Park. CHARLIE Got it, Thanks. (SONG: "SUBWAY DIRECTIONS" ) i TOM Wait a second, Charlie, Just be sure you wake up and get out the next to last station, The guard comes through at the end of the line. If they catch you asleep, you can be picked up for vagrancy. CHARLIE Thanks, ‘TOM Sleep well, CHARLIE Hope I can sleep at all. That silly dame! Imagine, she cost ne five bucks for dinner and my bed! Wel}, 80 long - see ya. ‘TOM Pleasant dreams, (ANGIE comes down the steps - lurching - groggy from the pills - seeming drunk, She 18 dn shirt, slacks and trencheoat quite disshevelled. She bumps into a man, who glares at her) ANGIE Felicitations dea Etats-Unis ---- (He moves away from her. She lean then leans way out dangerously over the tracks, TOM sees this - is about to get up and get her, when she pulls back again)1-7-33 ANGIE (Cont'd) (Leaning on a pillar and talking to it) Grussen den Vereinigten Staaten von - - (She slips to the floor, TOM picks her up and seats her on the bench) TOM fe you all right, Miss? ANGIE Naver better, Just forgot to fasten my seat belt. Just tell me when we get to Irkutsk - I'11 get out my bikini. TOM of course, (FAT L&DY is on the bench on the other gide of her, ANGIE leans on her ~ snuggles up to her, LfDY pushes her away ANGIE He needs a mother? I need a mother, Maybe a father, (Glances at TOM) Hello Dad, (Throws arm around him, He tries to disengage - sits her up) You know I always get on a subway when I want to think, Train's going like sixty, isn't it? (again puta her arms around him, She hides her eyes on his shoulder, Then looks up) ‘TOM (Trying to humor her - hoping to bring her out of it) It's slowing down now though, Must be coming to a station, Oops. There we are. Irkutsk! Everybody off! (He stands her up) Now once around the track, (He walks her around and sits her down) Now, wetve'on the platform. See? ANGIE (Brightly) of, of course. fny fool knows that. (She puts her arms around him and collapses again) (The GUARD comes through - looks at them both) TOM Why don't you go home?1-7-34 ANGIE Got no home, ‘TOM Money? ANGIE Ten cents left from a quarter, Got a cigarette? ‘Tom You're not allowed to smoke here. ANGIE onl (She collapses fast asleep against him) (TOM is aware of the guard watching them, The noise of a train is heard, and through the flickering lights of the train passing we see the GUARD coming toward them. fs _ he does, TOM gets ANGIE to her feet, Train lights pass and noise stops) rom Come on, Gretal (He pulls her along off stage to the train) (NUMBER: SUBWAY NIGHT RIDE) (against a background of a huge subway map -- with moving lights to show train routes -- we see TOM and the clinging form of ANGIE -- moving across and stopping and moving the other way and stopping - weaving through a dance of night characters, The mugiec is a male chorus singing the “ROUTE SONG" -- which CHARLIE and TON did on the platform,1-86-35 ACT ONE Scene 8 SUBWAY PLATFORM - MORNING. People going to work. TOM and ANGIE come in, ‘TOM Are you fully awake now? ANGIE I think so, TON Feeling better, Greta? ANGIE Greta? ‘TOM Greta Garbo's as good a name as any for a woman of mystery, ANGIE (Hes itant ) I - I don't mean to be a woman of mystery - TOM Leave it that way, Greta. My name's Tom, Tom Bailey. You imow, you look remarkably well, considering how you spent the night. ANGIE, Thanks. You mean you sat on the subway with me, all night? ‘That was terribly nice of you, Thank you, TOM Thank you. And may I compliment you on your vise-like embrace, ANGIE I’m sorry, ‘Tom Don't mention it,’ “Felictations des Etats-Unis - la place di naissance -- de - " ANGIE (Stricken) Ont What else aid I say?1-8-36 TOM Not much, Just something about not wanting to be anybody's mother, You called me Dad, You weren't loaded. You probably haven't had any sleep for days. ANGIE What day is this? TOM Friday. ANGIE Friday - TOM I can give you = uh - a buck -- if -- ANGIE No, no thanks, really. TOM Look, if you have to sleep on the subway again, be sure you're alert enough to get out before the last stop. You seem to be new at this, I can only tell you it's pretty hard for a girl to stay out of trouble roaming about this way. ANGIE Oh well, I'l] -- I'll be getting out of town, TOM Good luck, Take care of yourself, (He goes) ANGIE Goodbye. (Starts to look terrified) Oh, Iean't - Ican'ti Tom! (She calls off stage, runs out after him) TOMI1-9-37 ACT ONE Scene 9 BEAUTIFUL FURNISHED APARTMENT. Door to a bathroom - kitchenette visible. VOICES outside, TOM Well, goodbye. ANGIE Can't I come in for a minute? TOM (Reluctantly) Well, all right, (They enter, Dog bounds towards him happily) Hi there, Lancelot! Good dog! This is -~ ANGIE Hello, Lancelot! (They play with the dog together) ‘20M Look, why don't you make yourself a cup of coffee, wash up if you like - and then please go, I have a very busy day. ANGIE Oh, oh sure, And thanks. TOM I'll be gone quite a while - so don't wait for me, Goodbye, ANGIE Goodbye, and thanks again, TOM Er ~ uh ~ yes - goodbye, (He exits with LANCELOT) (ANGIE puts water on for coffee)1-9-38 (SONG: In the verse she questions what She's doing there - why she ran away - The chorus expresses yearning for some Kind of ideal, serene way to live.,.or even some childhood dream of a lovely idealized place, After the song, she turns off the light under the coffee, Exits to wash) (After her song, there is a knock on the door, TOM comes in with the dog Looks around and is relieved that she is not there) Tom (To audience) Well, I'm relieved she's gone, Pretty kid - I wonder what her story is, No, I don't, In my world, no questions asked. If people volunteer to spill their stories - well, you listen and move on, It's their business. But if you ask them, and they tell you, then you're involved - it's your business, (He looks around) Lovely apartment, isn't it? Eernice and Robert Zuckerman go to Florida for the winter and leave me in charge of Tancelot's well-being - for which I pick up a dollar and a half from the doorman every day, In fact, they gave me the run of the place - even said I could sleep here. But coffee and a shower - that's enough. It's too easy to become accustomed to gracious living, In no time at all you want it to be more gracious - then gracious-est, She's no ordinary waif, of that I'm wure, Beautifully manicured hands, The trench coat was dirty, but an Aquascutum, Face classical - Vieasquez - Botticelli, But what's she running away from? Aw, the hell with it! The one thing I'm glad of is I didn't find out any more about herl Ah - coffeel (He pours a cup of coffee - takes a sip, During the above, he puts out dog's food, | took LANCELOT and it into another room, Now he sips his coffee, ‘Then takes a razor out of his briefcase - takes off Jacket and shirt) Well now, just a shower and shave and I'm off, He goes toward the bathroom whistling - she comes out dressed in terry robe ~ | looking quite alluring, He is astonished to see her) I'm sorry, I thought you were gone, ANGIE I - I took a shower, All the towels say RZ, Is that for1-9-39 TOM What else? My pen name is Rabinadrath Zeckendorf - actually I write mystery stories under the name of Helwit Mittpitt. Now will you please get some clothes onl Didn't it ever oceur to you that you might be in danger here with a - a - flimsy man in a strange robel I may sleep in a tomb, but I'm not a mummy yet! ANGIE What ave you talking about? TOM This! (He grabs her and kisses her) I'm sorry. ANGIE That's all right. TO No, it isn't! It isn't at all, Now, please pull yourself together and clear out of here, will you? (She goes into the bathroom Uh, there's a box of clothes in there in the dressing room, Im supposed to drop off at the Salvation Amy, If you want to help yourself, it's o.k. ANGIE (From inside) Thanks, Mrs, Bailey's? TOM There's no Mrs, Bailey. They belong to a Mrs, Zuckerman, Listen, step on it will you? I've got to be out of here in five minutes, ANGIE (Off) To get to the office? TOM (Laughing) (She comes in in a nice simple dress, carrying a plaid coat) Do you like this apartment? Office? ANGIE I love it. TOM I love it, too, (MUSIC STARTS)1-9-H0 TOM (Cont'd) The drapes, the lamps, radiant heating Latest refrigerator, Hi-fi, TV Electric shoe buffer, imported upholstery Fireplace, grape shears, carpet wall to wall T love it all And you know what I love most about it? It's not mine (CHORUS: "IT'S NOT MINE") (SONG and PATTER ~ PATTER is about being a chronic collector - must have things - it's like peanuts - the more you have, the more you want. He and ANGIE act out bits of sales people and people buying - paying on installment - debt - etc. After song - she 1s amused and interested, and then suddenly:) ANGIE But, if you don't live here, what are you doing here? TOM What do you think I was doing on the subway? I was sleeping on it - for the night, And here? I'm here to work, I walle Lancelot every day, for which I get a dollar and a half a day from Mrs. Zuckerman, whose old dress looks very nice on you, by the way, That's all Ineed, That's all I want - oh, except at this time of the year - starting this evening, in fact, I exchange my suave exterior for the roly-poly disguise of a street corner Santa Claus, Don't think I'm money mad. This is just to earn a couple of bucks extra to buy some Christmas gifts for a few guys I know. I generally sleep in the museum and spend the rest of my time just finding out things, ANGIE (Incredulous ) I can't believe it, No one lives like that. TOM Lots of people, all around you, live like this, in one way or another, ANGIE But what do you do all day? TOM What do Ido? There aren't enough hours in the day to begin to do all the things I'm interested in, I suppose you think I'm crazy.1-9-41 ANGIE No, I don't - but, naturally, I'ma little curious about you. How did it happen? TOM Full confession - my purple past, "I Was a Teenage Werewolf of Wall Street," Did you ever hear of the Midwest Con- struction Company - the Overland Mineral and Mining Company - Standard Metals? All me - the kid with vision - I did it in three years, Post-war boom and all that, It was like peanuts - I couldn't stop, Tt was just a question of minutes before I'd make the cover of Time ~ the baby-faced octopus of finance. 1 acquired company after company, Puy - Sell - Borrow - Juggle credit - Beautiful! Well, in my grand finale ~ juggling twenty balls at once while standing on my head on Six tables all balanced on a billiard cue, somebody sneezed, Suddenly my credit was a myth and certain monies I had juggled to cover for other monies had never been mine to Juggle at all and the kid with the vision was a crook, I was a ruined man, With the aid of brilliant legal counsel, I managed to get only a year and a half's deal in a neighborhood penitentiary. TI spent this period of confinement in an absolute daze. What had gone wrong? When I emerged, I was naturally no longer the most popular kid on the block. I was alone, broke, and broken and - ANGIE (Sympathetically) And I know the pattern, the girl you left behind had made @ brilliant marriage. TOM Actually, it was girls, I acquired several of them in the game way I acquired companies - just to acquire them. Look- ing up from the gutter, I feverishly planned how to get back in the race. ut then I suddenly sat up and asked myself - a race for what? What was the goal? J realized there was no goal, only more racing, and then I knew I wasn't going to get back into it all. ‘That moment was my big chance to Start at the beginning and maybe find out how to live. ANGIE (Realizing) This is my chance! Oh I know just what youtre talicing about. Right around now I'm supposed to be getting married. But I don't want to - I don't have to, It's not just the marriage, It's the whole life attached! Just a five-minute cab ride away - and I walk into a permanent jumbo Waring mixer! But I never have to go back. . (Then Tmpulsively) Maybe I could stay with you just till I work things out. TP you want the truth I think you're the most attractive man I've ever met! On, I'm sorry, I don't know what I'm saying - forget I said it! Dr, Williams must be right - T could be on the verge of another breakdown, First, I grow