A Grave Misunderstanding

A Grave Misunderstanding
by Leon Garfield
I am a dog. I think you ought to know right away, I don't want to save it up
for later, because you might begin to wonder what sort of person it was who
went about on all fours, sniffing at bottoms & peeing up against lampposts in
the public street. You wouldn't like it; & I don't suppose you'd care to have
anything more to do with me.
The truth of the matter is, we have different standards, me & my colleagues,
that is; not in everything, I hasten to bark, but in enough for it to be
noticable. For instance, although we are as fond of a good walk as the next
person, love puppies & smoked salmon, we don't go much on reading. We find it
hard to turn the pages. But, on the other paw, a good deep snoutful of mingled
air as it comes humming off a rubbish dump can be as teasing to us as a sonnet.
Indeed, there are rhymes in rancid odors such as you'd never dream of; and
every puddle tells a story.
We see things, too. Only the other day, when me & my Person were out walking, &
going as brisk a biscuits, through that green & quite place of marble trees &
stony, lightless lampposts, where people bury their bones & never dig them up,
I saw a ghost. I stopped. I glared, I growled, my hair stood on end--
"What the devil's the matter with you now?" demanded my Person.
"What a beautiful dog!" said the ghost, who knew that I knew what she was, &
that we both knew that my Person did not.
She was the lifeless, meaningless shell of a young female person whose bones
lay not very far away. No heart beat within her, there was wind in her veins, &
she smelled of worm-crumble & pine.
"Thank you," said my Person, with a foolishly desiring smile: for the ghost's
eyes were very come-hitherish, even though her hither was thither, under the
grass. "He is rather a handsome animal. Best of breed at Cruft's you know." The
way to his heart was always open through praises of me.
"Does he bite?" ask the ghost, watching me with all the empty care of
nothingness trying to be something.
"SHE"S DEAD---SHE"S DEAD!"
"Stop barking!" said my Person. "Don't be frightened. He wouldn't hurt a fly.

Do you come here often?"
"Every day," murmured the ghost, with a sly look toward her bones. She moved a
little nearer to my Person. A breeze sprang up, & I could smell it blowing
right through her, like frozen flowers. "He looks very fierce," said the ghost.
"Are you sure that he's kind?"
"COME AWAY----COME AWAY!"
"Stop barking!" commanded my Person, & looked at the ghost with springtime in
his eyes. If only he could have smelled the dust inside her head, & heard the
silence inside her breast! But it was no good. All he could see was a silken
smile. He was only a person, & blindly trusted his eyes...
"Dog's," said the ghost, "should be kept on a lead in the churchyard. There's a
notice on the gate." She knew that I knew where she was buried, & that I'd just
been going to dig up her bones.
My Person obeyed; & the ghost looked at me as if to say, "Now you'll never be
able to show him that I am dead!"
"SHE"S COLD! SHE"S EMPTY! SHE"S GRANDDAUGHTER DEATH!"
"Stop barking!" shouted my Person, &, dragging me after, walked on, already
half in love with the oveless ghost.
We passed very close to her bones. I could smell them, & I could hear the
little nibblers dryly rustling. I pulled, I strained, I jerked to dig up her
secret...
"He looks so wild!" said the ghost. "His eyes are rolling & his jaws are
dripping. Are you sure he doesn't have a fever? Don't you think he ought to go
to the vet?"
"He only wants to run off & play," said my Person. "Do you live near here?"
"YES! YES! RIGHT BY THAT MARBLE LAMPPOST! SIX PAWS DEEP IN THE EARTH!"
"Stop barking!" said my Person. "Do you want to wake up the dead?"
The ghost started. The she laughed, like the wind among rotten leaves. "I have
a room nearby," she murmured. "A little room all to myself. It is very
convenient, you know."
"A little room all to yourself?" repeated my Person, his heart beating with
eager concern. "How lonely that must be!"
"Yes," she said. Sometimes it is very lonely in my little room, even though I
hear people walking & talking upstairs, over my head."
"Then let me walk back with you," said my Person; & keep you company!"
"No dogs allowed," said the ghost. "They would turn me out, you know."
"Then come my way!" said my Person; & the ghost raised her imatation eyebrows
in imatation of surprise. "Madam will you walk," sang my Person laughingly.
"Madam will you talk, Madam will you walk & talk with me?"
"I don't see why not," smiled the ghost.
"BECAUSE SHE'S DEAD---DEAD---DEAD!"
"Stop barking!" said my Person. "I will give you the keys to Heaven, I will
give you the keys to my heart..."
"The keys of Heaven?" dighed the ghost. "Would you really?"
"And the keys to my heart! Will you have dinner with me?"
"Are you inviting me to your home?"
"NO GHOSTS ALLOWED! SHE'LL TURN ME OUT!"
"Stop barking! Yes...if you'd like to!"
"Oh I would indeed---I would indeed!"

"DON'T DO IT! YOU'LL BE BRINGING DEATH INTO OUR HOME!"
"For God''s sake, stop that barking! This way...this way..."
It was hopeless! There was only one thing left to for a dog to do. She knew
what it was, of course: she could see it in my eyes. She walked on the other
side of my Person, & always kept him between herself & me. I bided my time...
"Do you like Italian food?" ask my Person.
"No spaghetti," murmured the ghost. "It reminds me of worms."
It was then that I broke free. I jerked forward with all my strength & wrenched
the lead from out of my Person's grasp. He shouted! The ghost glared & shrank
away. For a moment I stared into her eyes, & she stared into mine.
"Dogs must be kept on a lead!" whispered the ghost as I jumped. "There's a

notice on...on...on..."
It was like jumping through cobwebs & feathers; & when I turned, she'd vanished
like a puff of air. I saw the grass shiver, & I knew she'd gone back to her
bones.
"SHE WAS DEAD! SHE WAS DEAD! I TOLD YOU SO!"
My Person didn't answer. He was shaking, he was trembling; for the first time,
he couldn't believe his eyes.
"What happened? Where---where is she? Where has she gone?"
I showed him, trailing my lead, I went to where she lay, six paws under, &
began to dig.
"No! No!" he shouted. "For God's sake let her lie there in peace!"
Thankfully I stopped. The earth under the grass was thick & heavy, & the going
was hard. I went back to my Person. He had collapsed on a bench & was holding
his head in his hands. I tried to comfort him by licking his ear.
A female person walked neatly by. She was young & smooth & shining, & smelled
of coffee & cats. She was dressed in the softest of white.
"Oh, what a beautiful dog," she said, pausing to admire me.
He stared up at her. His eyes widened; his teeth began to chatter. He could not
speak.
"GO ON! GO ON! 'BEST OF BREED AT CRUFT'S!'"
"Hush!" said the female person, reproaching me with a gentle smile. "You'll
wake up the dead!"
"Is she real?" whispered my Person, his eyes as wide & round as tins. "Or is
she a ghost? Show me, show me! Try to jump through her like you did before!
Jump! Jump!
"BUT SHE'S REAL! SHE'S ALIVE!"

"Stop barking & jump!"
So I jumped. She screamed---but not in fright. She screamed with rage. My paws
were still thick with churchyard mud, &, in a moment, so was her dress.
"You--you madman!" she shouted at my shamefaced Person. "You told him to do it!
You told him to jump! You're not fit to have a dog!"
"But---but--" he cried out as she stormed away, to report him, she promised, to
the churchyard authorities & to the RSPCA.
"I TOLD YOU SHE WAS ALIVE! I TOLD YOU SO!"
"Stop barking!" wept my Person. "Please!"

**************************************************
Porch Dreamer
The Keeper Of The Porch Points
Permanent Resident of The
Corner For The Easily Confused
Holder of the Golden Wiggle Award
**************************************
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Steven Wright

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A Grave Misunderstanding

"SHE"S DEAD---SHE"S DEAD!"

"Stop barking!" said my Person. "Don't be frightened. He wouldn't hurt a fly.

"COME AWAY----COME AWAY!"

"SHE"S COLD! SHE"S EMPTY! SHE"S GRANDDAUGHTER DEATH!"

"I don't see why not," smiled the ghost.

"BECAUSE SHE'S DEAD---DEAD---DEAD!"

"The keys of Heaven?" dighed the ghost. "Would you really?"

"Are you inviting me to your home?"

"NO GHOSTS ALLOWED! SHE'LL TURN ME OUT!"

"Stop barking! Yes...if you'd like to!"

"Oh I would indeed---I would indeed!"

"For God''s sake, stop that barking! This way...this way..."

"Do you like Italian food?" ask my Person.

"No spaghetti," murmured the ghost. "It reminds me of worms."

"Dogs must be kept on a lead!" whispered the ghost as I jumped. "There's a

"SHE WAS DEAD! SHE WAS DEAD! I TOLD YOU SO!"

"What happened? Where---where is she? Where has she gone?"

"Oh, what a beautiful dog," she said, pausing to admire me.

"GO ON! GO ON! 'BEST OF BREED AT CRUFT'S!'"

"BUT SHE'S REAL! SHE'S ALIVE!"

"I TOLD YOU SHE WAS ALIVE! I TOLD YOU SO!"

"Stop barking!" wept my Person. "Please!"

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