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Contents
7 Gender and communication
Sex or gender? Biology or culture?  7.4 3. The differences are real, but will unfair use be
Clash of ideas: Feminism vs. evolutionary made of them?  7.22
­psychology  7.4 4. The differences are real, and they indicate a better
Brains and ability: Biology is destiny?  7.5 world (or perhaps the same old one .  .  .)  7.22
Gender and communication: Differences and 5. Specific communication patterns exist, but their
­similarities  7.9 causes are misinterpreted  7.22
Where to from here?  7.23
The spoken word: Talk, talk, talk  7.9
Body talk: Non-verbal communication  7.14 Student study guide  7.25
The written word: Men and women writing  7.16 Summary 7.25
Styles of communication and conflict  7.20 KEY TERMS  7.25
REVIEW QUESTIONS  7.25
Gender and communication: The state of play  7.21
APPLIED ACTIVITIES  7.25
1. The differences are about power, not WHAT WOULD YOU DO?  7.26
gender 7.21 References 7.26
2. There are no or few real differences Suggested reading  7.29
anyway 7.21 Acknowledgements 7.30

Contents
7
Gender and communication
L E A R NING O B J E C TI V ES
After reading this chapter you should be able to:
■■ discuss the biological and cultural background of sex and gender
■■ identify perceived differences in female and male approaches

to spoken, non-verbal and written communication

■■ explain the basis of communication problems and conflicts between genders

■■ articulate reservations about the validity of gender as a variable in human

communication
■■ learn gender-neutral communication techniques.
 Sex or gender? Biology or culture?
Do men and women communicate in different ways? Is it possible, for example, that the
spoken, written and non-verbal communication of humans can be understood in terms of
their sex? These are the questions we will be addressing in this chapter. Such answers as we
come up with may have implications for our personal and professional lives.
It should be stressed from the outset that the field of gender communication, like those of
a number of other specific types of communication discussed in this book, is very young in
historical terms: apart from some early research (e.g. Jesperson 1922), the area of study is
barely a few decades old, with much of the research carried out only in the past few years.
The best work is still to come (and perhaps some of it will be done by you).
The relative immaturity of the field, combined with the fact that many females and
males hold strong opinions (and prejudices) about male/female differences in general and
communication in particular, means that whatever conclusions we might reach will be
tentative. For all that, they may be enlightening, and may even provide us with opportunities
to recharge our sense of humour and our goodwill — precious qualities in any field of
communication but perhaps particularly in this one.
Why do we use the word gender rather than sex? Surely ‘sex’ is what differentiates males
and females? Not necessarily. A view that has emerged in the past few decades is that
‘gender’ is socially constructed rather than genetically transmitted. Indeed it is possible that
gender will come to be used as a verb (to be gendered, or to gender something or someone).
‘Essentialists’ who oppose this view use the two terms interchangeably to speak of a product
Constructivism: the idea of evolution and biology. Constructivism and essentialism, then, distinguish between a belief
that sex and gender in the pre-eminent influence of environment or nurture, on the one hand, and of heredity
are essentially different
concepts, with sex defining or nature on the other.
inherited characteristics
and gender referring to
roles that are socialised or
learned; sometimes carries
the implication that learned
Clash of ideas: Feminism vs. evolutionary
behaviour is more socially
significant than inherited
psychology
behaviour This clash of ideas has been driven by two major intellectual movements of the past several
Essentialism: the idea that decades — feminism on the one hand, and the disciplines of evolutionary psychology
sex and gender are essentially
the same; sometimes carries on the other.
the implication that inherited Evolutionary psychology and sociobiology are science-based disciplines that attempt to
behaviour is socially more explain current human behaviour in terms of evolutionary strategies of men and women
significant than learned
behaviour developed in prehistoric and indeed prehuman times (e.g. Buss 2015; Browne 2002; De Wall
& Maner 2008, Dunbar & Barratt 2009, Iredale, Van Vugt, & Dunbar 2008, Miller & Kanazawa
2008; Moir 2001; Pinker 2003; Thornhill & Gangestad 2009; Stenstrom, S ­ tenstrom, Saad, &
Cheikhrouhou 2008; Konner 2015; Ah King 2014).
■■ Animal primate behaviour gives us insight into human behaviour.

■■ Much primate behaviour shows strong role specialisation, with females tending offspring,

gathering plant foods and staying close to home base, and males operating in hunter
bands far from the home base, using coordinated aggression to hunt prey.
■■ Much female behaviour in these circumstances is concerned with establishing rapport with

other females in food-gathering activities, while much male behaviour is concerned with
goal-oriented behaviour of tracking and hunting animals, with minimal verbal interaction
with other males except for exchanging problem-solving techniques and mapping out
territory.
■■ Evolutionary psychologists suggest that men and women follow two different paths or

strategies, as dictated by Darwinian natural selection: females invest energy and scarce
biological resources on having one or a few partners and raising offspring to maximise

7.4 Communicating in the 21st Century

 the chances of that gene set being transferred to subsequent generations, while males
invest energy and abundant biological resources in having offspring with as many mates
as possible. A criticism of evolutionary psychology is that it justifies existing patterns
of social relationships and does not consider that gender is primarily a social construct
(Blustain 2000, p. 44).
But Barnett and Rivers (2004) find that attractive women do not necessarily produce more
offspring, and that women in general are now more likely to be economically independent
and have less need to establish relationships with older males to maintain security, wealth
and status. Instead, research shows that economically independent women are more likely
to prefer younger males as mates, who have qualities like empathy, understanding and the
ability to bond with children.
Does that rebut the essentialist argument? Perhaps, but we need to be careful not to
discount the traditional older male/younger female model, which may be still embedded in
whatever genetic programming we all have.
The war over gender is complicated by a meta-gender factor: most writers developing an
essentialist line seem to be men, while most writers pursuing a constructivist line seem to
be women.
This is not always the case, of course. Anne Campbell (2002), a psychologist specialising
in the evolutionary background of female aggression, argues that females have always
been more proactive in selecting partners and ensuring their own reproductive success,
using strategies such as competition, rivalry and indirect aggression towards other
females, and strategies of unfaithfulness towards men. Neurobiologist Richard Francis
(2004) takes issue with pat sociobiological dictums (e.g. ‘Men won’t ask for directions
because they believe in their own spatial abilities to navigate — developed in prehistoric
hunting bands — and to do so would be to lose face’) and suggests that essentialism
seriously overestimates the influence of prehistoric behaviour patterns in today’s world
(see also Zuk 2004).

Brains and ability: Biology is destiny?

Baron-Cohen (2003) suggests that male and female brains have evolved differently, and
today female brains can be categorised as E-brains (empathising brains) while male brains
can be categorised as S-brains (systemising brains) (figure 7.1).

People with empathising brains are more People with systemising brains are more
prone to .  .  .   prone to  .  .  .  
■■ Pick up non-verbal cues ■■ Read non-fiction than fiction, and watch
■■ Discuss problems with others rather than try to documentaries
solve them alone ■■ Want to know technical details about cars and
■■ Get upset at seeing animals and other people appliances
in pain ■■ Look at structure in music and buildings
Empathising
  Figure 7.1  ■■ Get emotionally involved in films and other ■■ Engage in DIY activities
versus systemising brains people’s problems ■■ Like games involving high degrees of strategy.
Source: Adapted from Baron-
Cohen (2003).
■■ Enjoy caring for other people.

Reduced levels of empathy can lead to greater aggression; increased levels of empathy can
lead to better communication skills. Baron-Cohen suggests that different individuals have
different mixes of empathy and systemising, although individuals do seem to specialise in
one or the other. (Interestingly, he suggests that the male tendency to systemise and classify,
and to score low on empathy and regard for others, leads to extreme male brain autism and
Asperger syndrome, most sufferers of which are male.)
Cameron takes Baron-Cohen and the essentialists to task here, suggesting that we are
merely hearing a very old story of ‘separate spheres’ of accomplishment and genetic

Chapter 7   Gender and communication 7.5

 programming, and of ‘different but equal’. Such comforting dichotomies, she suggests,
invokes that cosy weasel word of our times, ‘diversity’, and have in the past led to such
‘separate spheres’ as the women’s anti-suffrage movement (allowing women to vote would
upset the natural order of things) and apartheid (not allowing black and white South
Africans to mix).
Cameron (2007) also sees the essentialism of Baron-Cohen and others as quite patronising
to men: seeing them as bullies, or as Neanderthals sulking in their caves. She remarks,
sardonically:
Perhaps men have realised that a reputation for incompetence can sometimes work to your
advantage. Like the idea that they are no good at housework, the idea that men are no good at
talking serves to exempt them from doing something which many would rather leave to women
anyway (Cameron 2007, p. 11).

Kimura (1999) argues that there are clearly discernible differences in ability, often closely
linked to hormonal levels, such as:
■■ Males score better on mathematical ability and spatial ability than females.

■■ Males are very much better at most kinds of targeting abilities, such as dart throwing and

ball catching (although homosexual men have targeting abilities not significantly better
than women’s).
■■ Females score better than males on verbal memory and fluency.

■■ Females score better than males on fine motor skills.

What might such differences mean, however? Kimura notes:

Some people believe that knowing more about sex differences in abilities will put women at a
special disadvantage, since it is currently true that the largest established differences we know
about favour men. Radical feminists are prone to the view that knowledge of sex d ­ ifferences
should be suppressed. They suggest that the lower representation of women in the sciences,
especially in the physical sciences and mathematics, is due primarily to the tendency to ‘gender’
occupations. They feel that accepting the reality of certain sex differences in cognitive function
provides an excuse for keeping women out of science and math fields, notwithstanding the
explanations for the smaller numbers of women in the physical sciences .  .  .  
Some people have argued that the gendering of science, and hence the disadvantaging of
women, begins early, in high school or before. Their solution is to encourage women to take
more science and math courses, so that they later qualify for positions in related fields. Simple
encouragement, of course, is not a bad thing; but if it takes the form of making people act out
of a sense of duty, or causes them to feel guilty about their life choices, we must question the
use, and the ethics, of such pressures. [Researchers] report that even the girls in their highly
math-talented samples often had more person-oriented interests than did the boys, so that they
might not enter fields in which math is critical. It is begging the question to insist that their
choices are mostly due to societal influences. (Kimura 1999, p. 184)

Crawford and Chaffin (1997) and Fausto-Sterling (2001) contest much of the ‘different
brains and abilities’ approaches, suggesting that the data does not in fact bear out many
differences at all. Bing (1999) argues that:
.  .  . reports of scientific research first show differences between groups and then, with no
explanation, equate difference with deficit or inferiority, a ready-made explanation for limiting
the opportunities of girls and women. This is a successful strategy because when one myth
about biological essentialism becomes discredited, a new one can be quickly found to replace
it. Current arguments for essential differences between the sexes (and, by implication, the
inferiority of females) can be found in reports of brain research. What is troubling about current
discoveries of differences between male and female brains is not the research itself, but the way
this information is reported, distorted, and widely disseminated by the media and then used as
a justification for discrimination .  .  . I argue that feminists should avoid the ‘difference debate’
altogether and suggest that the important issue is equal opportunity, not equal ability .  .  . (Bing
1999, pp. 4–5)

7.6 Communicating in the 21st Century

 Hyde (2005) investigated a large number of ‘inbuilt gender differences’, such as maths
ability, but also in a number of other areas (men are more aggressive, they offer helping
behaviour less often, they smile less often, girls fall behind boys in self-esteem when at
school). She found little evidence to support any of these propositions, thus strengthening
what she called ‘the Gender Similarities Hypothesis’ (see also Barnett & Rivers 2004).
Zurbriggen and Sherman (2007) claim that there is a link between political ideology and
biologically influenced views of human nature. They assert that more conservative media
tend to cover stories from a biological determinism or essentialist viewpoint, while more
liberal media were less essentialist and more constructivist.
They also noted that a mother’s perceptions of the difficulty in math(s) for her child
predicted the child’s performance and interest in mathematics. If essentialist stories
dominate the media (e.g. girls are weak at maths), it is therefore conceivable that a type
of self-fulfilling prophecy or Pygmalion effect will take place. For example, in a 1960s
psychology experiment, primary school teachers were told that certain students had above-
average abilities (when in fact, they did not) and the marks of these students improved
substantially. The researchers in this experiment concluded that the teachers had behaved
differently to the students they believed to be ‘smarter than average’ by letting them know
non-verbally and with variations in teaching, which then produced the students’ better
results. Thinking made it so, and smarter they became (Rosenthal & Jacobson 1992).
Lippa (2002) suggests a compromise, or synthesis, of the essentialist-nature-heredity
view and the constructivist-nurture-environment view (figure 7.2). This model is not simply
a weak compromise but a demonstration of the fact that environmental and hereditary
influences feed back into each other all the time, often making it impossible to clearly assign
one extreme pattern of causation or another. Examples of such feedback include (Lippa
2002, pp. 197–200):
■■ Genes held in common by parents and children influence how parents treat their children

and also how children respond to their parents.

■■ Biological predispositions in girls and boys foster sex segregation, and conversely, sex

segregation amplifies biological predispositions in girls and boys.

■■ Parental socialisation moulds the way children interact with their peers.

■■ Peer influences determine which TV shows children watch and the resulting gender

messages children take from TV.

■■ Parent and teacher stereotypes influence the educational choices of boys and girls, which

then influence their subsequent occupational choices.

■■ Work and educational settings influence individuals’ gender stereotypes, stress levels and

even hormone levels.

■■ Both biological predispositions and early social learning lead to sex-typed toy preferences

in children, which in turn lead to sex differences in child–parent and child–peer interactions
and to the development of different motor skills and cognitive abilities in boys and girls.
■■ Individuals’ levels of sex hormones can be influenced by environments (e.g. by stress,

success, or the presence or absence of members of the opposite sex) as well as by sex
chromosomes.

assess yourself
Consider the continuum below. The extremes are Essentialism (according to which biology/
heredity/nature determines behaviour, and gender is a concept with little value) and Constructivism
(according to which society/environment/nurture determines behaviour, and gender is a vital
concept). Place a mark on the continuum that represents your belief or point of view. Compare it
with the response of at least two other people.
Essentialism                             Constructivism

Chapter 7   Gender and communication 7.7

 Prenatal 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 30 40 50 60 70. . .

Tracks of gender development

Prenatal Organisational effects Puberty and its hormonal Marriage and
Feedback
1. Biological/ hormones and on nervous system and physical changes parenthood, childbirth
loops
genetic uterine
factors environment

Dress; Family roles; sibling influences Departing from family

Prenatal room decor Independence and dependence training Marriage, spouse influences, children
2. Family social Differential treatment of boys and girls

7.8 Communicating in the 21st Century

influences environment Encouragement of sex-typed play

Sex segregation; Adolescent culture College and/or work cultures

3. Peer differing cultures of boys and girls
influences

Media influences Social groups College/

4. Social university
cultural Teacher influences influences
influences School influences

Gender stereotypes
Gender schemas
Gender Internal Gender
5. Cognition/ labelling gender constancy
thought standards

Attitudes Attitudes Gender ideologies and attitudes

towards parents towards boys Sexual attractions
6. Emotions/
Attitudes and girls and orientations
feelings/
attitudes towards siblings

Sex-typed play Sex-typed Sexual behaviours Family roles

interests Behaviour in close relationship and behaviour
7. Behaviour Gender segregation

  Figure 7.2  Parallel tracks of gender development and their complex evolution
Source: Lippa (2002, p. 196). Reproduced with permission.
 Gender and communication: Differences
and similarities
We have now completed a brief overview of the debate on sex and gender. Skimming the
surface of the environmental and hereditary factors will have raised more questions than
it has answered about why males and females understand and misunderstand each other.
Let’s now look at communication processes in greater detail, examining in turn spoken
communication, non-verbal communication and written communication.
These three areas, of course, overlap one another considerably. We will concentrate
here on real or apparent differences, but later we will consider similarities and assess
the authenticity of these differences. Further, we will speculate on whether, if differences
exist, the key reason for this might not be biological sex differences but something else
entirely.

The spoken word: Talk, talk, talk

Non-written verbal communication is all about talk and the use of the voice, but it is also
about silence and the withholding of talk. So what gender differences can we identify? Let’s
begin by looking at two popular writers in the field, Deborah Tannen and John Gray. While
not without their critics (e.g. Peterson 2000), these writers have done much to make the idea
of gender and communication part of everyday discourse.

Genderlects: Rapport talk and report talk

Tannen (1990, 1995, 2002, 2014) suggests that women and men talk in different
Genderlect: a gender-specific genderlects, or gender-specific dialects (see also Loosemore & Galea 2008). Women tend
dialect to engage in r­apport talk, or relationship-oriented talk, whose primary function is to
Rapport talk: relationship-
oriented talk whose
build u­ nderstanding and empathy within a wider group. By contrast, she argues, men
primary function is to build tend to engage in report talk, or task-oriented talk, whose primary function is to produce
understanding and empathy solutions to problems. She suggests, in fact, that inter-gender communication is a form
within a wider group
of intercultural communication (see Basow & Rubenfeld 2003). It could be argued that
Report talk: task-oriented talk
whose primary function is to if women are better than men at rapport skills, then they may have superior emotional
produce solutions intelligence (see chapter 9; Gulabovska & Leeson 2014).
Troubles talk: talking about One particular type of rapport talk, suggests Tannen, is troubles talk:
problems in order to share
the experience rather than Ordinary troubles provide fodder for conversation that helps speakers think about life’s
necessarily to generate a challenges — not just to find a solution (though it can certainly do that) but as a kind of
solution philosophical investigation: How do others deal with situations like this? What is the best way
to think about them? Most of all, just talking this way creates connection.
A problem does not have to be overwhelming for a woman to bring it up for discussion; any
problem can make a good topic by providing an opportunity to reaffirm mutual interest and
connection. But many men assume that if someone brings up a problem, it must be serious. One
woman complained daily about situations at work; her son said, ‘If you hate your job so much,
why don’t you quit?’ She was puzzled; she liked her job. He misinterpreted her run-of-the-mill
stresses and strains as serious complaints because he would not talk about them unless they
were major problems he wanted to solve. (Tannen 2002, p. 126)

Troubles talk, then, while appearing to present a problem for solution, is really an exercise
in solidarity and sharing of experience.
Misunderstandings between males and females may therefore be the result of the collision
between troubles talk and report talk, or the predisposition of males to provide solutions to
any complaint. The presentation of those solutions can be misperceived by some women as
the male not listening (see Gray’s ‘Mr Fix-It’ on page 7.10).

Chapter 7   Gender and communication 7.9

 Troubles talk can be interpreted by males as unproductive whining; feminist writers
assert the consciousness-raising benefits of ‘bitching’ as a means of expressing emotion in
bureaucratic environments — where the suppression of emotion is part of a broader system
of control — and also of expressing the resistance of those who are less powerful.

Rapport, aggression, indirect communication

and relational bullying
Are women then intrinsically non-aggressive, especially towards other women? Are all
female-to-female interactions primarily concerned with forming extended networks of
rapport and support? Not at all. While the evidence that males are more physically violent
than females is overwhelming (Baron-Cohen 2003), physically violent and aggressive
women are not unknown. Perhaps of greater interest, however, are subtler types of
Relational bullying: violence, especially those inflicted by females on other females. For example, relational
aggression towards others bullying, a common female-to-female behaviour pattern, can involve insults, teasing, the
that does not involve physical
violence silent treatment, note-passing, glaring, gossiping, ganging up, criticism of appearance
and inconsistent behaviour (e.g. being nice in private but mean in public) (Goodwin 2002;
Simmons 2002).
Tannen has noted similar indirect aggressive tactics, such as repeating a critical remark
made by someone else (‘with the for-your-own-good introduction “I think you should
know”’), and offering ‘helpful’ suggestions and mixed-stroke-type compliments (“your
presentation was excellent. It was much easier to follow than your last one”) (Tannen 1990,
pp. 172–4). Women can sometimes be harsher on each other than men are (Trethewey
1999), and  can  be  more aggressive than males in the race to succeed in organisations
­(Hollands 2001).
To the extent that these behaviours are typical, they may confirm the contention that
many females have traditionally been taught to suppress conflict and assertive, direct
communication, and thus have had little alternative but to communicate in indirect passive
or passive-aggressive (manipulative) styles. Of course, traditions are culture-specific: some
communities are more open in the way they handle conflict than the Anglo-American
cultures where most of the gender and communication research has been done, and within
those cultures women often give as well as they get.

assess yourself
Interview at least two males and two females on the topic of bullying. Do the accounts vary
according to gender?

Martians, Venusians and communication

When John Gray (1992) suggested that ‘men are from Mars, women are from Venus’, he was
humorously alluding to the communication difficulties males and females often experience.
Among these differences he identifies the following:
■■ Men prefer to brood and stew over problems and daily experiences in private (‘retreating

to their caves’), whereas women like to talk about them.

■■ Women like to talk about problems, often in detail, because they seek empathy and

because it helps to talk them through, whereas men may simply try to offer solutions (the
‘Mr Fix-It’ syndrome: the ‘Mr Fix-It’ syndrome).
predisposition of males to ■■ Women offer advice and constructive criticism (‘The Office Improvement Committee’) as
offer solutions to problems
and complaints rather than to an act of love, whereas men may feel that women are trying to change them.
show empathy towards the ■■ Women approach problems in an involved, intuitive fashion, whereas men tend to be
complainant more detached and less intuitive.

7.10 Communicating in the 21st Century

 These differences, he suggests, often cause communication breakdown, leading to conflict
and misunderstanding:

When women talk about their problems, men lose points by interrupting and giving
instant ­solutions. Women perceive this as a message that her male colleague does not care. The
Office Improvement Committee refers to women’s tendencies to improve things, look around
and make suggestions. This eagerness to please often turns men off. For example, if a woman
says ‘you should clean up this office,’ her intention may be to help, but what the man hears
is criticism .  .  .  

Women value caring, cooperation, collaboration, consensus, consideration and communication.

Men value the bottom line, efficiency, effectiveness, accomplishment, achievement, independence
and autonomy .  .  .  

There is a communication barrier because male and female hormones are different. In the
workplace there are different reactions to stress. There are certain things that make men feel
comfortable, certain things that make women comfortable. It’s as if we come from planets
with different languages. Men and women share the same words, so they think they are
being heard, but they are not. So they might feel disappointed and betrayed when they
don’t get what they want. A woman on her planet will share feelings as a way of bonding
or relieving stress. For example, a woman might say ‘what a crazy day it has been today.’
A man might look at her and think ‘why is she complaining?’ The man, instead of hearing
a plea for  emotional support, responds with a solution or makes a comment. He is not
empathetic. A  separation, rather than a connection, occurs between the two. (Gray, quoted
in Casison 2002)

Within both personal and professional realms of experience, crossed wires may lead to
frustration and anger. Such misunderstandings can be aggravated when men and women
are working under pressure: they may use the same words but in quite different ways, their
language embedded in different sets of assumptions.
Gray’s work has been extremely influential, but has attracted criticism that verges on the
ferocious. In studying the rapid and wide spread use of the ‘Mars/Venus (M/V) metaphor’,
Noonan (2007) draws upon Richard Dawkin’s idea of a ‘meme’ — something which is to
culture what the gene is to biology — a unit of information with the ability to reproduce
itself (Blackmore & Dawkins 2000).
M/V dichotomies are often nothing whatever to do with gender, and yet have become part
of common discourse.
Buzzard (2002) points out that when Gray — ‘the Coca-Cola of psychology’ — produced
the first version of the Mars/Venus book in 1993, it was a relative failure, as it was a data-
heavy, self-published book. It was only after several years and sales had reached 50  000 that
commercial publishers showed interest in mass publication. Part of the marketing strategy
was to make Gray a brand, with a series of related products, such as television, audiovisuals,
films, CD-ROMs and games. In other words, Buzzard puts much of the Gray phenomenon
down to marketing genius:

Why did Gray’s book, written in the eighties, fail to catch fire until the nineties? Gray’s
repackaging of the traditional gender types would seem to have captured the public
imagination and sensibility of this era, puzzling scholars, reviewers and many readers alike.
Is there a massive cultural need to hear that relationships between the sexes are so simple and
so traditional? .  .  .  Whether its success represents a backlash against changes in male–female
relationships or illuminates important gender differences depends on the reader. At the heart of
both of these beliefs is the assumption that demand automatically creates supply, that audiences
get what they want, that Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus reflects the values,
interests, and characteristics of its audience. However, it is pointless to speak of some vast
cultural zeitgeist or psyche at work at a particular moment in history, which creates popular
reception of a work when o ­ rdinary business factors suffice. (Buzzard 2002, p. 90)

Chapter 7   Gender and communication 7.11

 Gray’s work has proven to be spectacularly popular, and has done much to stimulate
discussion of gender/communication differences. Critics, however, have taken him to task
for overemphasising differences between genders, for being too far to the essentialist end
of the gender spectrum and for prescribing quick-fix solutions to complex human problems
(Wood & Fixmer-Oraiz 2014; Buzzard 2002).
Thus, Zimmerman, Haddock and McGeorge (2001) take Gray to task because he mishandles
the negotiation of power in relationships:

The book’s unprecedented sales are an indication that Gray’s .  .  .  descriptions must have some
degree of familiarity among the public and many therapists. However, Gray’s basic thesis — that
men and women are instinctively different in all areas of life — and his recommendations for
dealing with these differences serve to reinforce and encourage power differentials between
men and women, thereby eroding the possibility of deep friendship and sustained intimacy in
their relationships. As mentioned, this position is counter to a growing body of research that
underscores the importance of shared power for achieving an intimate and effective relationship.
(Zimmerman, Haddock & McGeorge 2001, p. 63)

Cameron (2013) sees Gray as part of the ‘neurobabble’ (compare ‘psychobabble’, chapter 9,
‘Interpersonal skills 1’) that has developed in response to the changes in male and female roles
in the economy and society, so that an essentialist view — a form of biological predestination
— is advanced, in spite of evidence to the contrary.
The phenomenon persists: in 2014, a one-man comedy show ‘Men are from Mars, women
are from Venus LIVE’ began a world-wide tour (Mulson 2014).
Gender communication is a field in its infancy: who knows what we will know in twenty
years? Better communication techniques? Increased insight into the similarities between
intercultural and gender communication? The knowledge that there is no such thing as
gender communication, only interpersonal? Stay tuned.

Other speech differences between males and females

Bearing in mind certain limitations (for example, most research on gender communication
has been conducted among white, middle-class Americans), some generalisations about
gender-specific speech can be attempted (table 7.1).

  Table 7.1  Gender differences in spoken communication

Characteristic Differences

Voice pitch Women tend to have higher-pitched voices, which may be a liability in societies that associate a
deep voice with authority, gravitas and credibility. Some women in powerful situations (politicians,
newsreaders) may sometimes deliberately pitch their voices lower to counteract such a perceived
disadvantage.

Inflection Females may be more prone to high-rising tone (HRT), or upward inflection within sentences.
Males and females both upwardly inflect at the end of question sentences in order to evoke
a response, but inflecting several times within a sentence can suggest uncertainty and low
assertiveness.

Tone Men may have more monotonous speech: males tend to use approximately three tones when
speaking, while females tend to use approximately five tones.

Emphasis Men tend to use loudness to emphasise points, while females tend to use pitch and inflection to
emphasise points.

7.12 Communicating in the 21st Century

Characteristic Differences

Pronunciation and Men tend to use sloppier pronunciation, mumbling more than women.
enunciation

Grammar and hypercorrection Women tend to use more precise grammar in speech than men do, and may be more likely to
correct the usage of others.

Fillers and discourse particles Men more than women tend to use speech fillers (‘like’, ‘um’, ‘er’ etc.).

Delivery Men tend towards choppy and staccato delivery, while women tend towards more breathy and
flowing delivery.

Descriptions Men tend to describe colours broadly (‘green’, ‘blue’, ‘brown’), while women tend to use subtler
descriptors (‘turquoise’, ‘chartreuse’, ‘bone’).

Diminutives and euphemisms Women may use diminutives (‘chocky bicky’, ‘Chrissy pressy’) and euphemisms (‘powder my nose’)
more often than men.

Aggression Men may be more likely to use profanity/obscenity, and to use teasing insults and playful
put-downs either as indicators of affection and intimacy or as threatening and controlling
behaviour.

Interruptions and overlaps Men tend to interrupt women more than vice-versa. Interrupting can be a form of expressing
dominance, and male-to-female interruption patterns tend to be of this kind. However, things
are not that simple. Tannen (1994) notes that in all-female groups interruption levels can be
higher than in mixed groups, but that these interruptions may be of a different type: she prefers
to use the term ‘overlap’, because a person can speak while another is talking, not to change the
topic or to attack the speaker, but in support — to establish rapport rather than assert power or
disagreement.

Turn taking When a person is waiting to speak, he or she generally waits for the other person to stop
talking. Males tend to wait shorter times before speaking. This can lead females to think
that males are pushy and uninterested, and males to think that females don’t have much to
contribute.

Hedging Females more than males tend to use qualifying or hedging phrases (‘maybe’, ‘perhaps’, ‘you know’,
‘in my opinion’, ‘it seems to me’).

Expressive forms Women may make more use of expressive forms (‘lovely’, ‘beautiful’, ‘sad’, ‘divine’ — adjectives,
rather than nouns or verbs, particularly those expressing emotional rather than intellectual
evaluation) than men.

Intensifiers or boosters Men tend to use quantifiers (‘always’, ‘never’, ‘all’, ‘none’), while women tend to use qualifiers (‘kind
of’, ‘a bit’).

Questions Males may be more likely to interpret conversations as win–lose contests in which you are either
one up or one down. Males may be more likely to see questions as admissions of ignorance and
therefore a one-down strategy. Females may be more likely to see questions as neutral information
seeking or as rapport building. Some males may see female questioning as a sign of incompetence
and uncertainty.

Credit claiming Males may be more likely to take credit for their own achievements and even for the achievements
of others. Bragging rituals are important in some male groups. Males may be more likely to use
the singular pronoun ‘I’ than the plural ‘we’. Females may have traditionally been more reticent in
claiming credit, although this is changing in some professional circles.

Indirect expression Women tend to use a more indirect style than men. This can be out of tact and implicit
communication or to avoid conflict.
(continued)

Chapter 7   Gender and communication 7.13

   Table 7.1  (continued)

Characteristic Differences

Feedback Women may provide more feedback (both verbal and non-verbal) in conversation. In professional
situations, women may be prone to use more comprehensive but less direct feedback than males.
This can sometimes lead to males feeling that females have missed the point, and for females to feel
that males aren’t listening.

Tag questions Females may sometimes be more prone to make tentative statements using ‘tag endings’ after
making declarative statements, or to use upward inflections that make statements sound like
questions (‘It’s a nice day, isn’t it?’ or ‘It’s a nice day?’). Males are more prone to make declarative
statements (‘It’s a nice day.’). Tags may sometimes be used to include others and to elicit agreement.
Both males and females do this.

Ritual opposition Men may be more prone to engage in ritual opposition in arguments, while not being too emotionally
involved in the conflict or its aftermath.

Shifts Men may be more likely to change the topic than women. Women may be more likely to use
conjunctions when changing topics (‘however’, ‘but’, ‘and’), while men may be more likely to use
interjections (‘Oh’, ‘By the way’, ‘Listen’).

Apologies Males may be less likely than females to apologise. Males may be more likely than females to see
apologies as a one-down strategy, i.e. an admission of weakness.

Frame of reference In arguments, females may be more prone than males to bring up things from the past rather than
stick to the present matter of contention.

Compliments Females tend to express compliments more easily than males. Males may be more likely to infer
manipulative intent from compliments.

Anger release Men may be more prone to yell, shout and swear to release anger, while women may be more prone
to cry.

Topics Men may be more prone to talk about things and activities such as cars, sports, jobs and mechanical
things, while women may be more prone to talk about people, relationships, clothes, feelings and
children.

Requests Men may be more likely to make command or direct requests, using imperative verbal mood (‘Come
here’), while women may be more likely to make compound requests or ‘wimperatives’, sometimes
using subjunctive verbal mood (‘Please come here’, ‘If you could come here now, I’d be able to show
you what’s wrong’).
Sources: Adapted from Lakoff (1990); Glass (1992); Tannen (1990, 1994); Gray (1992); Dolan and Kropf (2004); Lizzio, Wilson, Gilchrist and Gallois (2003);
DeCapua and Boxer (1999); Siegel (2002); Holmes (1995).

Body talk: Non-verbal communication

Non-verbal communication or body language is a significant aspect of gender
communication. Two anecdotes may help to sketch out some of the factors at work in this
arena (Cameron 2000):
■■ A fast-food chain created a ‘script’ that all employees had to follow when farewelling

diners; this involved certain words and a ‘cheery wave’. Some male employees found the
wave gesture ‘effeminate’ and rebelled by turning the wave into a quasi-salute.
■■ A supermarket chain created a ‘superior service’ program that required employees to show

customers friendliness, a personal interest and eagerness to please. A group of female

workers complained at a union conference that male customers were misinterpreting this
as indicating ‘romantic interest’ and inviting ‘lewd behaviour’.
Some apparent gender differences in non-verbal communication are outlined in
table 7.2.

7.14 Communicating in the 21st Century

  Table 7.2  Gender differences in non-verbal communication

Characteristic Differences
Personal space Males tend to take up more personal space than females when seated: they may sprawl, their legs
wide, and may set up territorial markers (books, equipment) more quickly than women. Males are
more easily stressed by crowding.
Approach and orientation Women may be approached more closely than men. When males and females are forced into
close proximity, males will tend to brush past by turning towards the female, while females will
turn away from the male.
Orientation Women may prefer to interact side by side, while men may prefer to interact face to face.
Volume response Males may be less likely than females to stand back from a person who is talking loudly.
Arm gestures A Women may keep their arms close to their body, while men hold their arms about 5–10 degrees
away from the body.
Women tend to use limp wrist and arm flapping gestures more than men.
Arm gestures B Men may be more likely to use two-armed gestures and less likely to use one-armed gestures than
women. Male gestures tend to be more forceful, angular and restricted, while female gestures are
more likely to be fluid, easy and light.
Arm gestures C Women may be more likely to keep their hands down on a chair than men. Women may play with
their hair or clothing, place their hands in their lap, and drum their fingers more frequently than
men. Men may use sweeping hand gestures, stretching the hands, cracking the knuckles, pointing,
and using arms to lift the body from a chair or table more frequently.
Hand gestures Males may be more likely to gesture with their fingers together or by pointing, while females may
be more likely to gesture with their fingers apart and using curved hand gestures.
Leg gestures A Males may be more likely to have their legs apart, at a 10–15 degree angle. Men may be more
likely to jog their knees and tap their toes nervously, while women may be more likely to drum
their fingers.
Leg gestures B Women tend to cross their legs at the knees or cross their ankles with their knees slightly apart,
while men tend to sit with their legs apart or with their legs stretched out in front of them and their
ankles crossed.
Posture A Women tend to walk with their pelvis pushed slightly forward, while men tend to walk with their
pelvis rolled slightly back.
Posture B Women may be more prone to move their entire body from neck to ankles as one entity when
they walk, while men tend to move their arms independently and exhibit a slight twist in their
rib cage.
Posture C Males tend to assume more reclined positions when seated, while women tend to assume more
forward positions. Men tend to fidget and shift their body position more than women do. Men tend
to be more relaxed, while women tend to be more tense or alert.

Body lean Women tend to lean their bodies less than men, while men tend to lean backward more.

Touching A Men tend to touch others less than women do. Men tend to perceive touching as an instrumental
behaviour leading to sexual activity or as childish behaviour indicative of dependency and lack
of manliness. Females may be more likely to view touch as an expressive behaviour which
demonstrates warmth and affiliation.

Touching B Men are less likely than women to engage in same-sex touching. Male same-sex touching tends
to take the form of play fighting, triumph displays, backslapping or crushing handshakes.
(continued)

Chapter 7   Gender and communication 7.15

   Table 7.2  (continued)

Characteristic Differences

Listening Men tend to frown and squint when listening, while women tend to smile and head-nod when
listening. Men tend to cock their head to one side and look obliquely at the person talking, while
women tend to look directly at the person talking.

Facial expressions A Men tend to suppress facial expressiveness and plasticity more than women; women tend to have
more animated expressions.

Facial expressions B Women tend to smile more than men. Men may smile less when there are other men around.
Men may be less likely to return a smile than women. Women may be more attracted than men are
to others who smile. Males who are more androgynous (sharing characteristics of stereotypical
male and female extremes) may tend to smile more than males who are more stereotypically
masculine; and more androgynous females may smile less than females who are more
stereotypically feminine.

Jaw Men may tend to open their jaw less than women do when speaking.

Facial gesture leakage As males age, they may become less adept than females in suppressing leakage of emotions
when lying.

Eye contact Women may establish more eye contact than men do, but men may be more likely to stare while
women may be more likely to avert their gaze. Female–female interaction is likely to involve much
more eye contact than male–male interaction.

Locomotion Men may be more likely than women to walk around when talking.

Artefacts Males are more likely to use a one-handed grip to carry books or objects at their side while
females are more likely to use a two-handed grip to carry books or objects against their chests.

Clothing Males tend to dress to avoid disapproval, while women tend to dress to win approval. Men tend to
wear darker colours and coarser textures than women.

Adornment Women are more likely to groom and adorn themselves to emphasise smooth and nubile
qualities (makeup, body hair reduction), while males may be more inclined to groom
themselves to emphasise coarseness and toughness (facial hair, self-mutilation through piercing
and tattoos).

Body awareness There is greater cultural pressure for females than males to appear more fit and less fat. Females
are more prone to take radical action to modify their body shapes.

Responsiveness and awareness Overall, women tend to be more responsive than men in non-verbal communication, and tend to
be more sensitive to the non-verbal communication of others — both when non-verbal messages
reinforce verbal messages and when they contradict non-verbal messages. Men may be harder to
‘read’, providing less non-verbal feedback.
Sources: Adapted from Lakoff (1990); Glass (1992); Tannen (1990, 1994); Gray (1992); Gamble and Gamble (2003); Stewart, Cooper, Stewart and Friedley (2002);
Pearson, Turner and Todd-Mancillas (1995); Trethewey (1999).

Homosexuals and some gender scholars have argued for the existence of ‘gaydar’ (backformed
from radar), or a repertoire on non-verbal behaviour that allows them to identify persons of
similar sexual orientation (Reuther 2003; Stern et al. 2013).

The written word: Men and women writing

Let’s now move from the spoken word and non-verbal communication to the written word. As
already noted, the degree of overlap and interaction between these forms of communication
can be very considerable, but it is nonetheless analytically useful to consider them separately.
We will look at two aspects of written language — the question of female versus male style,

7.16 Communicating in the 21st Century

 and the broader question of whether the historical evolution of language has biased or
loaded the language in favour of one gender or the other.

Male and female registers?

Do men and women write in different ways? Are there uniquely male and
female styles or registers? Although this might at first seem unlikely, there is some evidence
to support the case. Studies of email content suggest that female writers concentrate
more on relationship than task topics, using the channel to build rapport and maintain
friendship and kin networks, in ways similar to those used in face-to-face and telephone
conversation (Boneva, Kraut & Frohlich 2001; Colley & Todd 2002). Comparisons of graffiti
in female and male toilets reflect this tendency: graffiti in female toilets tends to be more
polite and interactive, while that in male toilets is more argumentative and negative
(Green 2003).
Statistical analysis of fiction and non-fiction texts reveals similar trends, with female
writers tending to use a more personal or involved style (particularly evident in the use
of pronouns), while male writers seem to use a more informational and detached style.
A correlation has even been made between male style and non-fiction genres, on the
one hand, and female style and fiction writing on the other (Argamon, Koppel, Fine &
Shimoni 2003).

Man-made? Unloading language and becoming inclusive

Spender (1990) and others have argued that language is ‘man-made’ — that is, because
males have historically exercised power over females, language itself reveals loaded or
biased structures. Examples include the use of generic pronouns, generic nouns or titles,
spotlighting, diminutivisation, differential naming and featurism, all of which appear to
suggest a world in which females play secondary roles to males (Romaine 2000; G­ oddard &
Patterson 2000) (table 7.3). Such patterns, of course, occur in many languages other than
English.

Biased or loaded
  Table 7.3 
Phenomenon Example Analysis
language phenomena
Generic pronoun: using the Generic pronoun ‘If a ratepayer wants to pay this in person, Embodies assumption that both
masculine pronouns ‘he’ he must bring payment to the Council Offices females and males can be adequately
and ‘his’ in all situations,
payment desk.’ described by a male pronoun.
irrespective of the gender of
those referred to Generic noun ■■ chairman Historically, these roles or
Generic noun or title: using or title ■■ man-made associations related to men; social
nouns or titles with male
connotations in all situations,
■■ manpower changes are not necessarily
even when females are ■■ foreman reflected in title changes.
involved ■■ salesman
Spotlighting: using a modifier Spotlighting ■■ lady doctor The use of an adjective draws
to draw attention to a role ■■ male nurse attention to a role adoption that
adoption that challenges a ■■ male prostitute challenges a gender-role stereotype.
gender-role stereotype
■■ career girl
■■ male model
■■ woman priest

Diminutivisation: attaching Diminutivisation ■■ actress Roles and names are formed

diminutive suffixes to names, ■■ authoress by adding lower-status and/
implying childishness, lower ■■ mayoress or affectionate suffixes to titles
status or affection
■■ Charlotte and names.
■■ Paulette
(continued)

Chapter 7   Gender and communication 7.17

   Table 7.3  (continued)
Phenomenon Example Analysis

Featurism: drawing attention Differential ‘Mr Smith [the men from Accounts] and Males may be referred to by adults
to the personal rather than naming Jenny [the girls from Marketing] want to titles, while females may be referred
role characteristics of female
see you.’ to by pre-adult titles.
office-holders
Differential naming: using Featurism ‘Joe Breeze was today sworn in Focus on appearance of females
family names and titles for as President. He vowed to introduce a new tends to trivialise and demean.
males and first names for
era of freedom and prosperity.’
females
‘Jo Breeze was today sworn in as President.
Sporting a smart new pageboy cut and
a mauve Armani jump suit, set off with
turquoise pearls, she vowed to introduce a
new era of freedom and prosperity.’

Gender-neutral expression
How then can we express ourselves in a more gender-neutral way in our writing? Traditional
sex or gender roles have undergone dramatic transformation in recent times, and this
has meant that we need to think more carefully when we use gender-specific language,
ensuring we have a language for humans, not just men. It makes more sense these days,
therefore, to use more inclusive language when referring to persons of either gender. Some
strategies that can be employed to create inclusiveness are shown in table 7.4.

  Table 7.4  Strategies for gender-neutral writing

Rule Unrevised form Revised form

Use a pair of pronouns A manager needs to know what his project A manager needs to know what his or her
budget is going to be. budget is going to be.
Just ask any nurse what she thinks of her Just ask any nurse what she or he thinks
profession, and that might help your career of her or his profession, and that might
planning. help your career planning.

Use the slash/combined form The clerk will need to have a requisition form The clerk will need to have a requisition
signed before he can obtain a modem. form signed before s/he can obtain a
modem.
The clerk will need to have a requisition
form signed before he/she can obtain a
modem.

Recast the sentence to omit the The average student may end up spending too The average student may end up spending
gender-specific pronoun/s much of his money on software. too much money on software.
The operator needs to equip himself or herself The operator needs to become equipped
with these protective devices. with these protective devices.

Use imperative mood of verbs He or she can load the DVD. Load the DVD.

Replace third-person pronouns with He or she must clean up the conference room You must clean up the conference room at
second-person pronouns at the end of each meeting. the end of each meeting.

Use plurals The modern plumber knows that he cannot Modern plumbers know that they cannot
neglect the paperwork if his business is to neglect the paperwork if their businesses
thrive. are to thrive.
He or she will find that the Z2000 model has a Users will find that the Z2000 model has a
number of advantages when compared to its number of advantages when compared to
predecessor. its predecessor.

7.18 Communicating in the 21st Century

 Rule Unrevised form Revised form

Repeat the noun The builder will find all the traditional lines of The builder will find all the traditional
nails and screws, now in metric or SI. In fact, lines of nails and screws, now in
in converting from imperial measures, we have metric or SI. In fact, in converting from
taken the opportunity to expand the product imperial measures, we have taken
range, giving him or her more, not fewer, the opportunity to expand the product
resources. range, giving the builder more, not fewer,
resources.

Replace third-person pronouns with The manager or his assistant .  .  .   The manager or an assistant .  .  .  
indefinite article (a, an) or definite
article (the)

Change second-person pronouns She will need to consider her position on this. One would need to consider one’s
to generic pronoun (sometimes position on this.
occurs with subjunctive) — use
sparingly)

Change a nominal to a verbal A person who has in his possession such A person who possesses such prohibited
expression prohibited substances will in fact have broken substances will in fact have broken
the law. the law.

Change if .  .  . then clauses to who/ If a staff member uses the scanner in such a A staff member who uses the scanner in
which/that clauses manner, then he will damage it. such a manner will damage it.

Change if .  .  . when clauses to on/ When the manager has completed this Upon completing this procedure, the
upon phrases, or modifiers without procedure, he should have the blue form manager should have the blue form
expressed subjects witnessed by another person. witnessed by another person.

Recast restricting/spotlighting ■■ chairman ■■ chair, chairperson

names, titles and roles ■■ manhole ■■ access hatch
■■ man-made ■■ artificial, synthetic, constructed
■■ manpower ■■ human resources, workforce
■■ foreman ■■ supervisor, team leader
■■ salesman ■■ sales person, representative
■■ shopgirl ■■ staff member, salesperson
■■ actress ■■ actor
■■ authoress ■■ author
■■ woman/female/lady doctor ■■ doctor
Source: Adapted from Corbett (1990); and Troyka and Hesse (2007).

assess yourself
Rewrite the following passage, making it more gender-neutral. You may need to re-cast sentences.
Consult online chapters 1 to 4 for clarification of some technical terms.
The typical accountant today needs to have his wits about him when it comes to
software. While his forefathers may have been satisfied with ink and paper records, the
accountant with his eye on future trends knows that such a ‘hard copy’ approach is simply
too inflexible. He must be able to manipulate data electronically, and his data must be
compatible with other software packages. If, for example, his spreadsheet and data base
files cannot be smoothly integrated with his assistant’s word processing package, then she
will not be able to quickly and flawlessly integrate text and data into meaningful reports.
The professional man of the future must understand these technological matters, or else
he will end up on the organisational scrapheap.

Chapter 7   Gender and communication 7.19

 Styles of communication and conflict
Let’s now move back to the more general areas of communication to further pursue the
concepts of gender conflict and misunderstanding.
Tannen, Gray and others suggest that males tend to see life as a contest, where one’s worth
has to be continually reasserted and defended against assault. This can mean a competitive
rather than a cooperative approach to problem solving. Non-physical contests, such as
arguments or negotiations, may become combative or antagonistic, with men seeing them
as arenas for using language or logic as a weapon, and experiencing the thrill of a contest.
This win–lose, zero-sum game mentality interprets life as a struggle to gain hierarchical
dominance.
Females, some researchers contend, experience reality in quite a different way, approaching
disputes as an opportunity to seek cooperation (Gray suggests that many females have
been socialised into a lose–win or sacrifice mentality). With men and women assuming
diametrically opposed mind-sets, misunderstandings and confusion can arise, some examples
of which are shown in table 7.5.

Male versus
  Table 7.5 
female approaches to Incident Analysis
conflict
A female doctor had approached a male The administrator treated the doctor as he
hospital administrator and simply described would any other staff member. He presumed her
what she needs by way of space. The request was merely an artificially inflated opening
administrator gave her only part of what she bid in a negotiating ritual; she thought it was a
wanted. She is annoyed; he is perplexed that she straightforward rational process.
is annoyed.

In a venture capital firm a male negotiator, The male sees the acquisition in terms of a
returning after putting together a deal, hunting metaphor, a win–lose situation; the
said he had brought home another pelt. female sees it from a cooperative, win–win
A female negotiator at the same firm saw the perspective.
same acquisition as completing a process
that welcomed the new company into the
community.

Male and female students ask questions The husband thought it natural to challenge an
of a female lecturer. The lecturer finds the expert. The female lecturer, like the females in
females’ questions charming, but finds the the class, thought that access to an expert was
males’ questions cheeky. The lecturer tells her a chance to learn inside information and make
husband of her views, but he supports the male personal contact.
students.

Males and females will often argue about ‘the While this can be a good strategy for
dark side’ of equitable share of household defusing conflict between loving couples,
duties. Males will often introduce humour into it can lead to the discussion becoming
the conversation, which changes the hostile trivialised or forgotten, and thus is a form of
dynamic. silencing (see chapter 1, table 1.5 and chapter 14,
table 14.5).
Sources: Adapted from Tannen (1990), Kolb (1992) and Denker (2013).

There may be profound biological and historical reasons to explain this male combativeness,
although it may be based on personal insecurity as much as a perception of objective
threats. Whether this mentality transfers to workplace success is another matter. Although
it is routine now for people to endorse ‘aggressive’ business strategies, hyper-competitive
behaviour does not always pay off. According to Tannen, ‘studies show that women and men
who have been successful in the traditionally male fields of business and science are not

7.20 Communicating in the 21st Century

very competitive. Rather, they excel in “work competence” or “work mastery.” They simply
do their jobs extremely well’ (1990, p. 181).
Women are defining new roles and new ways of behaving, from car saleswomen
learning  how to ‘attack nicely’ to women executives endeavouring to make workplaces
less hostile and more cooperative (Lawson 1994; Portello & Long 1994). It has also been
suggested that formal and ritualised conflict resolution systems such as the adversarial
courts system and union–management grievance procedures are more likely to be
used by  men, whereas women may prefer ‘softer’ systems such as mediation (Astor &
Chinkin 2002).
These developments are interesting, although we have to be careful of replacing one
sexist view (‘Women are unassertive, manipulative and bitchy’) with another (‘A world run
by women politicians and managers would automatically be a more peaceful and equitable
place’). It may be that it is not sex or gender traits that determine approaches to conflict
but rather role expectations: if a manager is rewarded for being a hostile bully, then a
female manager appointed to the role will be under pressure to adopt similar methods; if
a negotiator receives praise and prestige for being assertive and aggressive, then a female
negotiator is likely to follow this lead (Power 1994).

Gender and communication:

The state of play
We have covered a lot of ground in our consideration of gender and communication. The
key questions remain: Are there any real differences between male and female styles of
communicating, and if there are, are they best explained by the constructionist (environment/-
nurture) model or the essentialist (heredity/nature) model?
We can interpret the evidence we have discussed so far in a number of ways. Let’s consider
each of them now.

1. The differences are about power, not gender

Some analysts of gender and communication concede that there are differences in the way
people in general communicate, but that these differences are best explained not by sex
or gender but by power, context and the roles people play. Thus, communication patterns
such as politeness, tag questions, hedges and deferential non-verbal communication are
not unique to females but are used by people, irrespective of gender, in powerless or low-
power situations, such as inexperienced court witnesses, unemployed persons, assembly-
line workers, uneducated persons or servants (Hopper 2003, p. 184; Mills 2003, p. 205).
Norms of politeness and courtesy may be a class phenomenon (Mills 2003). Crawford
(1995) suggests that assertiveness training is fundamentally wrong-headed because it
merely confirms the ‘woman-as-problem’ view, creating a set of techniques to mask the
underlying reality of the lack of power that most women have in the roles to which they
are restricted.
Males raping and harassing females is often more about power than about sex, and
concerns have been expressed that ‘miscommunication theory’ — the idea that men and
women speak in such different languages that communication breakdown is inevitable —
may be used to rationalise male assaults (Frith & Kitzinger 1997).

2. There are no or few real differences anyway

Crawford and Chaffin (1997) argue that disproportionate attention is paid to differences
(some of which are trivial anyway) and not enough attention to similarities. Romaine (2000)

Chapter 7   Gender and communication 7.21

 and Hyde (2005) argue that there are few, if any, context-independent gender differences
in language.

3. The differences are real, but will unfair

use be made of them?
Fears have also been expressed that demonstrating widespread and systematic differences
between men and women communicating might not necessarily be a good thing, especially
for women. If there are differences, and the dominant norms relate to males, does that
suggest that the ‘problem’ is women’s perceived inadequacies in direct communication
(Weatherall 2002)? Might perceived differences in biology and communication style be used
as excuses for new forms of discrimination (Bing 1999)?

4. The differences are real, and they indicate a

better world (or perhaps the same old one .  .  .)
Evans (2000) and Hollands (2001) advise women to take note of differences between the
sexes, and then to succeed on their own terms, without sacrificing their femaleness in ­pursuit
of a male definition of success.
Hatcher (2003) notes that some management theorists have begun to speak of a
‘feminization of management’, whereby women are seen to have natural advantages in
a world moving away from hierarchy, individuals and competition towards a world of
flatter organisations, teams and cooperation. In this brave new world, emotion and the
‘soft skills’ of communication, hitherto devalued or demonised, are now seen as panaceas.
This  view,  however, has the potential to lead to a new form of enslavement rather than
liberation:

The attention to daily practices of speaking, listening and language use and a range of ‘soft­
ening devices’, including styles of handling conflict, techniques for decision-making and the
capacity to take responsibility by connecting with others, rather than through controlling
others, shores up a particular identity for the manager as an embodied subject. This particular
set of images, or idealizations of women’s style of communication, assists in managing an
increasingly significant part of the population through the regulation of these micro-practices
in the workplace. This focus on understanding women’s ways is a mechanism to increase the
self-regulation of both men and women, by making use of emotions in an instrumental way.
(Hatcher 2003, p. 404)

Similarly, the notion that women are better suited to team interaction may lead to a
perpetuation of women’s inferior status (Benschop & Doorewaard 1998). Men may be adept
in picking up and using soft skills simply to consolidate their position vis-à-vis women
(Rutherford 2001).

5. Specific communication patterns exist, but

their causes are misinterpreted
Some argue that ‘typically female’ communication patterns are not necessarily that at all,
and to the extent that they are, the causes are often misinterpreted. Tannen (1995) suggests
that indirect communication is often used by powerful males in work situations, and no-
one who wishes to flourish alongside such males is going to misinterpret such signals.
Tag questions are not always a sign of powerlessness, and indeed are sometimes a sign of
power display (Preisler 1998) and of support and facilitation of others (Weatherall 2002).
Interruption patterns vary from situation to situation, with women interrupting men more

7.22 Communicating in the 21st Century

often than vice-versa in some settings, and with some types of interruption being supportive
and collaborative rather than hostile (Weiss & Fischer 1998).

Where to from here?

Many prescriptions for action have been proposed in this field, but if they are to work,
they need to take account of the complexities of human interaction. For example, Weiss
and Fischer (1998) consider the virtues of indirect styles of communication, noting along
the way that western female managers may in fact fare better than western male managers
when dealing with non-western, high-context cultures, where indirect rather than direct
communication is favoured (although such cultures tend to be less gender-egalitarian than
western ones). On the other hand, they quote Madeline Albright, newly appointed as US
Secretary of State in 1997, who, when asked what advice she would give to ambitious
women, replied, ‘Women need to interrupt’ (Weiss & Fischer 1998).
The interconnections between gender communication and intercultural communication
are extensive and interesting. Tannen (1995) recalls teaching a case study about indirect
communication: the context was an aircraft cockpit, where the (male) co-pilot had tried to
suggest to the (male) pilot that the aircraft was unsafe; the pilot had ignored this indirect
communication and had taken off — with fatal results for all. As a result of this actual
event, airlines came to recognise the critical shortcomings of indirect communication —
irrespective of gender — and began to demand assertiveness training for all air staff. One of
Tannen’s Japanese students, however, pointed out that it would have been just as effective
to train pilots to pick up on hints. Tannen remarked:
This approach reflects assumptions about communication that typify Japanese culture, which
places great value on the ability of people to understand one another without putting everything
into words. Either directness or indirectness can be a successful means of communication as
long as the linguistic style is understood by the participants. (Tannen 1995, p. 147)

Training in assertiveness and in argumentation skills might help females to become more
adept in communicating with males (Kosberg & Rancer 2001), but the reservations about
assertiveness training by critics such as Crawford (1995) need to be borne in mind.
The overwhelming focus in the gender and communication area is on women and
females, with the common implication that men and males are either the default setting of
communication or the tyrannical elite that must be overthrown. The ideological tenor of
much of this work in this area is remarkable, with vested interests and entrenched positions
on all sides, but given the rapid changes in sex and gender roles of the past few decades,
such zeal is not surprising, and to a certain extent is to be welcomed: everyone has a strong
interest in the way this is going to turn out.
As the field is a relatively new one, there may be a long way to go before the smoke clears
and we get a clearer view of reality. Indeed, we may come to the view that communication
differences can be better explained by way of other constructs (e.g. power, leadership,
biology or interpersonal skills). Perhaps the research has yet to produce its greatest insights.
We will finish by considering advice on inter-gender communication by two of the most
popular writers in the field:
As a basic guideline [for communicating with your partner]: never argue. Instead, discuss the
pros and cons of something. Negotiate for what you want but don’t argue .  .  .  

The differences and disagreements don’t hurt as much as the ways in which we communicate
them. Ideally an argument does not have to be hurtful; instead it can simply be an engaging
conversation that expresses our differences and disagreements. (Inevitably all couples will have
differences and disagreements at times.) But practically speaking most couples start out arguing
about one thing and, within five minutes, are arguing about the way they are arguing.

Chapter 7   Gender and communication 7.23

 Unknowingly, they begin hurting each other; what could have been an innocent argument,
easily resolved with mutual understanding and an acceptance of differences, escalates into a
battle. They refuse to accept or understand the content of their partner’s point of view because
of the way they are being approached. (Gray 1992, p. 151)

When one’s habitual style is not working, trying hard by doing more of the same will not solve
problems. Instead, men and women could both benefit from flexibility. Women who avoid
conflict at all costs would be better off if they learned that a little conflict won’t kill them. And
men who habitually take oppositional stances would be better off if they broke their addiction
to conflict .  .  .  

Eventually, perhaps, men therapists — and men in therapy — learn to talk like women. This
is all to the good. Assertiveness training, on the other hand, teaches women to talk more like
men, and this too is to the good. Women and men would both do well to learn strategies more
typically used by members of the other group — not to switch over entirely, but to have more
strategies at their disposal. (Tannen 1990, pp. 187, 121–2)

7.24 Communicating in the 21st Century

Student study guide
S u mmar y
In this chapter we considered the biological and cultural background of sex and gender.
Exploring the way these two terms have been used and understood, we noted that sex and
gender may be applied to the same thing or to two quite different things. Views about sex and
gender can be understood as being situated on an essentialist–constructivist continuum, in
a variant of the heredity–environment debate. We identified perceived differences in female
and male approaches to spoken, non-verbal and written communication. We explored the
basis of communication problems and conflicts between genders. We examined in particular
the ideas of the popular writers Deborah Tannen and John Gray, including genderlect, report
talk/rapport talk, trouble talk, and Mars/Venus type differences, while noting critiques of
their work. The debate about sex, gender and communication tends to revolve around one
or several of five positions — namely, the differences are about power, not gender; there
are no or few real differences; the differences are real, but unfair use can be made of them;
the differences are real, and they indicate a path to a better world (or perhaps the same old
one .  .  .  ); and specific communication patterns exist, but their causes are misinterpreted.

K EY TE R M S
constructivism p. 7.4 genderlect p. 7.9 relational bullying p. 7.10
differential naming p. 7.18 generic noun or title p. 7.17 report talk p. 7.9
diminutivisation p. 7.17 generic pronoun p. 7.17 spotlighting p. 7.17
essentialism p. 7.4 ‘Mr Fixit’ syndrome p. 7.10 troubles talk p. 7.9
featurism p. 7.18 rapport talk p. 7.9

R E V IE W Q UESTIONS
1. Are sex and gender the same thing?
2. What are the key differences between E-brains and S-brains?
3. What are the key differences between rapport talk and report talk?
4. What is relational bullying?
5. Identify at least five perceived differences in the speech behaviour of males and
females.
6. Identify at least five perceived differences in the non-verbal behaviour of males and
females.
7. Identify at least three perceived differences in the writing styles of males and females.
8. Give at least two explanations of why gender is not necessarily the cause of differences
in the communication patterns of males and females.

A P P L IED AC TI V ITIES
1. Consider the lists of perceived differences in male and female spoken and non-verbal
communication (tables 7.1 and 7.2). Create a checklist showing the categories in the
lists. Without compromising the privacy or dignity of others, use this checklist to
observe males and females in different settings (meetings, public places). Record what
you perceive. Does your data confirm or disconfirm what is in the lists?
2. Still working with the lists in tables 7.1 and 7.2, try to think of at least two other
spoken and two other non-verbal differences.
3. ‘Gender is a completely unnecessary category. Sex explains everything.’ Discuss.

Chapter 7   Gender and communication 7.25

 4. Create a dialogue in which one person is using rapport talk and one person is using
report talk. Don’t forget to include non-verbal communication — write in non-verbal
aspects as you might do in stage directions in a script. Produce two versions of the
script — one in which communication breaks down into conflict, and one in which
there is a meeting of minds.
5. Write a passage that features extensive use of generic pronouns, generic nouns or titles,
spotlighting, diminutivisation, differential naming and featurism, and then translate it,
removing these phenomena. Compare the two versions.

W H AT WOU L D YOU DO?

Mike is new to the job of area coordinator for the nurses union. He shows up on Monday
morning to address a meeting of his members at Central General, the biggest hospital in
his area. He knows that they have been unhappy with their treatment by the union head
office, especially over their claim for a salary award 30 per cent above what the union is
negotiating for. The union director, Marie Stevens, who used to work at Central General and
does not have fond memories of the nursing, medical or management staff there, said to
him this morning as he left, ‘Put your flak jacket on. Tell them what the policy is, and try to
explain to them in words of one syllable what “solidarity” and “gradual gains” mean.’
Mike sits at the table and smiles at 16 grim and suspicious female faces. Lyn Marabel,
the shop steward, begins by saying loudly, ‘If you think you can come in here as Marie’s
messenger boy, you’ve got another think coming! Here’s what we want to talk about today!’
She shoves a sheaf of paper across the table, which Mike stops by slamming his hand down
on it — perhaps harder than he had intended, as the sound reverberates through the table.
A chorus of facetious ‘Oooh!’s goes up. Lyn says, ‘Well, men are from Mars, eh? Well mister,
don’t try to intimidate us!’
What should Mike say?

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A C K NO W L EDGE M ENTS
Quote, pp. 7.6: © Dooren Kimura, ‘Sex and Cognitition’. Reproduced with permission of MIT Press.
Quote, p. 7.6: ‘Brain sex: how the media report and distort brain research’, © Janet Bing, Women and Language, 22 (2), 1999, pp. 4–12.
Figure 7.2, p. 7.8: From ‘Gender, nature and nurture’ by Richard A Lippa, Lawrence Erlbaum Associates, 2002, p. 196. Reproduced with
permission from Copyright Clearance Center.
Quote, p. 7.11: © 2008 Billboard. Reprinted with permission from ‘Incentive’.

7.30 Communicating in the 21st Century

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