PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT

Dear student,

Welcome to this course, PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT, or PERDEV for short. This a very
interesting course, and can become the most personally rewarding for you, because the subject
matter is YOU!
As a new senior high school student, you have now entered a new educational level, as well as
a new psychological and social level, called the middle and late adolescence. You may feel that you are
no longer the rapidly growing and awkward teenager, but you also feel you are not quite ready to call
yourself a mature adult either.
This course shall make you take a deeper look at yourself and analyze your tasks that you must
undertake at this point in your life. It shall provide you with some techniques to meet stress and other
mental health issues with one’s strengths and coping powers. The course shall give you the chance to
analyze your relationships with your family, friends, and significant others. Finally, the PERDEV course
shall help you take stock of where you are in your career development and how to get to where you
want to be.

YOU are expected of the following:

A. Identity development
✓ Explores own identity and culture (e.g., gender, sexual orientation, racial/ethnic background,
socioeconomic status)
✓ Integrates multiple aspects of personal identity into a coherent whole
✓ Can articulate how personal identities relate to larger social constructs

B. Positive Sense of Self

✓ Explores and articulates the values and principles involved in personal decision-making
✓ Incorporates ethical reasoning into action
✓ Develops and articulates a personal belief system while exploring issues of purpose, meaning, and
faith
✓ Develops a personal code of ethics
✓ Accepts personal accountability

C. Ethics and Integrity

✓ Assesses, articulates, and acknowledges personal skills,
abilities, and growth areas
✓ Demonstrates adaptability, persistence, dependability, and
resilience
✓ Seeks and considers feedback from others
✓ Employs self-reflection to gain insight
✓ Acts independently, without supervision
✓ Demonstrates emotional intelligence

COURSE CONTENT:
There are 4 units in PERDEV, as follows:
Unit 1- Self-Development
Unit 2- Aspects of Personal Development
Unit 3- Building and Maintaining Relationships
Unit 4- Career Development

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TABLE OF CONTENTS
Module 1

Unit 1: SELF-DEVELOPMENT……………………………………………….... Page 4

Topic 1: Knowing Oneself…………………………………………….. Page 6
Topic 2: Developing the Whole Person…………………………….. Page 9
Topic 3: Developmental Tasks…………….……………………….... Page 13
Topic 4: Challenges of Late Adolescence……………………….... Page 15
References……………………………………………………………………….. Page 20

Module 2

Unit 2: ASPECTS OF PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT……………………….. Page 22

Topic 5: Mental Health and Well-Being
in Middle and Late Adolescence………………………….. Page 23
Topic 6: Coping with Stress in Middle and Late
Adolescence…………………………………………………. Page 25
References………………………………………………………………………... Page 32

Module 3

Topic 7: Powers of the Mind…………………………………………… Page 33

Topic 8: Emotional Intelligence……………………………………….. Page 36
References………………………………………………………………………. Page 40

Module 4

Unit 3: Building and Maintaining Relationships…………………………….. Page 43

Topic 9: Personal Relationships and Family Legacies……………. Page 44
References………………………………………………………………… Page 59

Module 5

Topic 10: Social Relationships in Middle and Late Adolescence… Page 61

References…………………………………………………………………… Page 71

Module 6

Unit 4: Career Development………………………………………………… Page 72

Topic 11: Persons and Career Pathway……………………………..... Page 73
References…………………………………………………………………… Page 83

Summative Assessments………………………………………………………………… Page 85

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Big Question: How can understanding yourself pave the way to self-acceptance and better

relationship with others?

At the end of the module, you should be able to:

• Discuss an understanding of teen-age relationships,

including the acceptable and unacceptable
expressions of attraction
• Express his/her ways of showing attraction, love,
and commitment
• Identify ways to become responsible in a
relationship
• Distinguish the various roles of different individuals
in society and how they can influence people
through their leadership or followership
• Distinguish the various roles of different individuals
in society and how they can influence people
through their leadership or followership
• Compare one’s perception of himself/herself and
how others see him/her
• Conduct a mini-survey on Filipino relationships
(family, school, and community)
• appraise one’s family structure and the type of care
he/she gives and receives, which may help in
understanding himself/herself
• make a genogram and trace certain physical,
personality, or behavioral attributes through
generations
• prepare a plan on how to make the family members
firmer and gentler with each other.

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One day, someone will walk into your life and get it right where everyone else got it wrong. One day you
will not have to wait for a call or a text back. One day, you will not be the only one giving your all. One day, you will
finally meet someone who wants to help you grow in life. One day, you
will finally meet someone who is not afraid to give love another
chance. One day, you will finally meet someone you can trust with TOPIC 9
everything. One day, you will have your best friend, your biggest Personal
supporter and your teammate all wrapped up into one person.
Relationships

STATEMENTS ON RELATIONSHIPS

State whether these statements are TRUE or FALSE.

1. It is important to work on communicating our feelings in relationships.

2. To love someone, we must love our self first.
3. Trying to understand where other people are coming from rather than judging them helps
build and maintain relationships.
4. Having a good relationship does not contribute anything to us having good health.
5. When people listen deeply and let us know that they recognize the feeling behind our words,
more likely than not, our relationship is doing good.
6. In our relationships, it is vital that we practice forgiveness when a loved one has hurt us.
7. Our loved ones cannot help us when we deal with stress.
8. Using positive methods to resolve conflict will more likely help us maintain good relationships.
9. Significant differences in core values and beliefs never create a problem in relationships
10. Significant differences in core values and beliefs never create a problem in relationships.
11. We are happy in our relationships when our loved ones stay connected by spending time with
is and letting us know that they love us.
12. Excessive reliance on social media can be a cause of tension in relationships.
13. Relationships are static; they are unchangeable.
14. Being compassionate, forgiving and grateful contribute to healthy relationships.
15. To fully enjoy and benefit from relationships we need skills, information, inspiration, practice,
and social support.

A genogram or family tree is a useful tool to gather information about a

person’s family. This visual representation of a family can help us identify patterns
or themes within families that may be influencing or driving a person’s current behavior.

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WHAT DO WE MEAN BY PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS?

The concept of relationship is very broad and complex. In our model, personal relationships
refer to close connections between people, formed by emotional bonds and interactions. These bonds
often grow from and are strengthened by mutual experiences.
Relationships are not static; they are continually evolving, and to fully enjoy and benefit from
them we need skills, information, inspiration, practice, and social support. In our model there are three
kinds of personal relationships:

1. Family
The concept of "family" is an essential component in any discussion of relationships, but this
varies greatly from person to person. The Bureau of the Census defines family as "two or more persons
who are related by birth, marriage, or adoption and who live together as one household." But many
people have family they don't live with or to whom they are not bonded by love, and the roles of family
vary across cultures as well as throughout your own lifetime. Some typical characteristics of a family
are support, mutual trust, regular interactions, shared beliefs and values, security, and a sense of
community.
Although the concept of "family" is one of the oldest in human nature, its definition has
evolved considerably in the past three decades. Non-traditional family
structures and roles can provide as much comfort and support as
traditional forms.

Family Structure

The traditional family structure is considered a family support

system which involves two married individuals providing care and stability
for their biological offspring. However, this two-parent, nuclear family has
become less prevalent, and alternative family forms have become more
common. The family is created at birth and establishes ties across

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generations. Those generations, the extended family of aunts, uncles, grandparents, and cousins, can
all hold significant emotional and economic roles for the nuclear family.

Different kinds of family structures:

• Nuclear family: A family unit consisting of at most a father, mother and dependent children. It is
considered the “traditional” family.
• Extended family: A family consisting of parents and children, along with grandparents,
grandchildren, aunts or uncles, cousins etc. In some circumstances, the extended family comes to live
either with or in place of a member of the nuclear family.
• Step families: Two families brought together due to divorce, separation, and remarriage.
• Single parent family: This can be either a father or a mother who is singly responsible for the raising
of a child. The child can be by birth or adoption. They may be a single parent by choice or by life
circumstances. The other parent may have been part of the family at one time or not at all.
• Adoptive family: A family where one or more of the children has been adopted.
• Bi-racial or multi-racial family: A family where the parents are members of different racial identity
groups.
• Trans-racial adoptive family: A family where the adopted child is of a different racial identity group
than the parents.
• Blended family: A family that consists of members from two (or more) previous families.
• Conditionally separated families: A family member is separated from the rest of the family. This may
be due to employment far away; military service; incarceration; hospitalization. They remain significant
members of the family.
• Foster family: A family where one or more of the children is legally a temporary member of the
household. This “temporary” period may be as short as a few days or as long as the child’s entire
childhood.
• Gay or Lesbian family: A family where one or both of the parents’ sexual orientation is gay or lesbian.
This may be a two-parent family, an adoptive family, a single parent family or an extended family.
• Immigrant family: A family where the parents have immigrated to another country as adults. Their
children may or may not be immigrants. Some family members may continue to live in the country of
origin, but still be significant figures in the life of the child.
• Migrant family: A family that moves regularly to places where they have employment. The most
common form of migrant family is farm workers who move with the crop seasons. Children may have
a relatively stable community of people who move at the same time - or the family may know no one
in each new setting.

2. Friends
A friendship can be thought of as a close tie between
two people that is often built upon mutual experiences, shared
interests, proximity, and emotional bonding. Friends are able
to turn to each other in times of need. Nicholas Christakis and
James Fowler, social-network researchers and authors of the
book Connected, find that the average person has about six
close ties—though some have more, and many have only one
or none. Note that online friends don’t count toward close
ties—research indicates that a large online network isn’t nearly
as powerful as having a few close, real-life friends.

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3. Partnerships
Romantic partnerships, including marriage, are close
relationships formed between two people that are built upon
affection, trust, intimacy, and romantic love. We usually experience
this kind of relationship with only one person at a time.

Triangular Theory of Love

The triangular theory of love holds that love can be understood

in terms of three components that together can be viewed as forming
the vertices of a triangle. The triangle is used as a metaphor, rather
than as a strict geometric model. These three components are
intimacy, passion, and decision/commitment. Each component manifests a different aspect of love.

Intimacy. Intimacy refers to feelings of closeness, connectedness, and bondedness in loving

relationships. It thus includes within its purview those feelings that give rise, essentially, to the
experience of warmth in a loving relationship.

Passion. Passion refers to the drives that lead to romance, physical attraction, sexual consummation,
and related phenomena in loving relationships. The passion component includes within its purview
those sources of motivational and other forms of arousal that lead to the experience of passion in a
loving relationship.

Decision/Commitment. Decision/commitment refers, in the short term, to the decision that one loves
certain other, and in the long-term, to one’s commitment to maintain that love. These two aspects of
the decisions/commitment component do not necessarily go together, in that one can decide to love
someone without being committed to the love in the long-term, or one can be committed to a
relationship without acknowledging that one loves the other person in the relationship.

* The three components of love interact with each other: For example, greater intimacy may
lead to greater passion or commitment, just as greater commitment may lead to greater intimacy, or
with lesser likelihood, greater passion. In general, then, the components are separable, but interactive
with each other. Although all three components are
important parts of loving relationships, their
importance may differ from one relationship to
another, or over time within a given relationship.
Indeed, different kinds of love can be generated by
limiting cases of different combinations of the
components.

The three components of love generate eight

possible kinds of love when considered in
combination. It is important to realize that these kinds
of love are, in fact, limiting cases: No relationship is
likely to be a pure case of any of them.

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TAKE NOTE! Finding a balance between the physiological need for sex and the need for love is
essential, and the complete absence of all three components is categorized as non-love.

7 Types of Love

Friendship. This type of love is when the intimacy or liking is present, but feelings of passion or
commitment in the romantic sense are missing. Friendship love can be the root of other forms of love.
Infatuation. Infatuation is characterized by feelings of lust and physical passion without liking and
commitment. There has not been enough time for a deeper sense of intimacy, romantic love, or
consummate love to develop. These may eventually arise after the infatuation phase. The initial
infatuation is often very powerful.
Empty love. Empty love is characterized by commitment without passion or intimacy. At times, a
strong love deteriorates into empty love. The reverse may occur as well. For instance, an arranged
marriage may start out of empty but flourish into another form of love over time.
Romantic Love. Romantic love bonds people emotionally through intimacy and physical passion.
Partners in this type of relationship have deep conversation that help them know intimate details
about each other. They enjoy sexual passion and affection. These couples may be at the point where
long-term commitment or future plans are still undecided.
Companionate Love. Companionate love is an intimate, but non-passionate sort of love. It includes the
intimacy or liking component and the commitment component of the triangle. It is stronger than
friendship, because there is a long-term commitment, but there is minimal or no sexual desire. This
type of love is often found in marriage where passion has died, but the couple continues to have deep
affection or a strong bond together. This may also be viewed as the love between very close friends
and family members.
Fatuous Love. In this type of love, commitment and passion are present while intimacy or liking is
absent. Fatuous love is typified by a whirlwind courtship in which passion motivates commitment
without the stabilizing the influence of intimacy. Often, witnessing this leaves others confused about
how the couple could be so impulsive. Unfortunately, such marriages often don’t work out. When they
do, many chalk the success up to luck.
Consummate Love. It is made up of all three components and is the total form of love. It represents
an ideal relationship. Couples who experience this kind of love have great sex several years into their
relationship. They cannot imagine themselves with anyone else. They also cannot see themselves truly
happy without their partners. They manage to overcome differences and face stressors together.

TAKE NOTE! LOVE IS A VERB

According to Dr. Sternberg, consummate love may be harder to maintain that it is to achieve,
as the components of love must be put into action. Without behavior and expression, passion is lost
and love may revert back to the companionate love.

TAKE NOTE! YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS UNIQUE

According to Dr. Sternberg, the importance of each component of love may differ from person
to person and couple to couple. All three components are required for ideal romantic relationship, but
the amount of each component required will differ from one relationship to another, or even over
time within a relationship. Knowing how the components interact may help highlight areas that may
need improvement.

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SUPPLEMENTAL READING

TEN RULES FOR FINDING LOVE AND CREATING LONGLASTING AUTHENTIC RELATIONSHIPS

1. YOU MUST LOVE YOURSELF FIRST

Your relationship with yourself is the central template from which all others are formed. Loving
yourself is a prerequisite to creating a successful and authentic union with another.

2. PARTNERING IS A CHOICE MUST NURTURE THE RELATIONSHIP FOR IT TO THRIVE

The choice to be in a relationship is up to you. You have the ability to attract your beloved and cause
the relationship you desire to happen.

3. CREATING LOVE IS A PROCESS

Moving from “I” to “we” requires a shift in perspective and energy. Being an authentic couple is an
evolution.

4. RELATIONSHIPS PROVIDE OPPORTUNITIES TO GROW

Your relationship will serve as an unofficial “lifeshop” in which you will learn about yourself and how
you can grow on your personal path.

5. COMMUNICATION IS ESSENTIAL

The open exchange of thoughts and feelings is the lifeblood of your relationship.

6. NEGOTIATION WILL BE REQUIRED

There will be times when you and your partner must work through impasses. If you do this consciously
and with respect, you will learn to create win-win outcomes.

7. YOUR RELATIONSHIP WILL BE CHALLENGED BY CHANGE

Life will present turns in the road. How you maneuver those
twists and turns determines the success of your
relationship.

8. YOU MUST NURTURE THE RELATIONSHIP FOR IT TO

THRIVE

Treasure your beloved and your relationship will flourish.

9. RENEWAL IS THE KEY TO LONGEVITY

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Happily, ever after means the ability to keep the relationship fresh and vital.

10. YOU WILL FORGET ALL THIS THE MOMENT YOU FALL IN LOVE

You know all these rules inherently. The challenge is to remember them when you fall under the
enchanting spell of love.

SUPPLEMENTAL READING

KEEPING HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS

Good relationships are fun and make you feel good about yourself. The relationships that you
make in your youth years will be a special part of your life and will teach you some of the most
important lessons about who you are. Truly good relationships take time and energy to develop. All
relationships should be based on respect and honesty, and this is especially important when you
decide to date someone.

In a healthy relationship, both partners:

• Are treated with kindness and respect
• Are honest with each other
• Like to spend time together
• Take an interest in things that are important to each other
• Respect one another’s emotional, physical and sexual limits
• Can speak honestly about their feelings

Dating relationships can be wonderful! But while it’s important that dating partners care for
each other, it’s just as important that you take care of yourself! About 10%
of high school students say they have suffered violence from someone
they date. This includes physical abuse where someone causes physical
pain or injury to another person. This can involve hitting, slapping, or
kicking. Sexual abuse is also a type of violence, and involves any kind
of unwanted sexual advance. It can include everything from unwelcome
sexual comments to kissing to intercourse. But abuse doesn’t always
mean that someone hits or hurts your body. Emotional
abuse is anything that harms your self-esteem or causes shame. This
includes saying things that hurt your feelings, make you feel that you
aren’t worthwhile, or trying to control who you see or where you go.
Remember, you deserve healthy, happy relationships. Abuse of any type is never okay.

Talking openly makes relationships more fun and satisfying;

especially when you both talk about each other’s needs for
physical, emotional, mental and sexual health. You can’t
expect a partner to know what you want and need unless you
tell them. The simple fact is that none of us are a mind reader-
-so it's important to be open about your needs and expectations.

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In a romantic relationship, it is important to communicate openly on issues of sex and sexual

health. The decision to enter into a sexual relationship is entirely up to you, and you always have the
right to say "no" at any time to anything that you don't feel comfortable with. Remember, there are
many ways to express love without sex. If you do decide to become sexually active, there are things
about which you do need to communicate.

Though talking about sex can feel a little scary, many people find that when they get up the
nerve to talk about sex, their partner really appreciates it. Most likely they've been trying to work up
the nerve, too! Many respect a partner even more once they've brought up the topic of sex. It is ok to
be nervous--that lets you know
that what you are doing is both
important to you and also
exciting.

Remember though: it is a good idea to talk about any sexual subject before you get all hot and
bothered, but this is especially important for topics which require logical thinking skills, like safer sex
expectations. Most of us don't act rationally in the heat of the moment. Think about your boundaries
ahead of time, and discuss them with a partner when you are not currently in a sexual mood. If you
are turned on, you are less likely to make the decision to use a condom or another barrier if your
partner has a different agenda. Having the conversation before you are in a sexual situation makes it
more likely you will be able to act according to your own boundaries and preferences.

SUPPLEMENTAL READING

In addition to these basic relationships rights, consider how you can develop patience,
honesty, kindness, and respect.

I KNOW THE SIGNS OF A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP

Put a before each statement that you think is a sign of a healthy relationship; put an X on
each statement that you think is a sign of an unhealthy relationship.

1. You can express your opinion without fear or dread.

2. You and your partner can make decisions together and
fairly.
3. Each person takes responsibility for their own actions.
4. Your partner respects your feelings about sex.
5. Your partner supports you and your choices—even when
they disagree with you.
6. You respect and encourage each other.
7. You give each other space to study or hang out with
friends or family.
8. You are able to make your own decisions about spending
your money without worrying about your partner’s reaction.
9. You can discuss pregnancy and parenting decisions and
your view is respected.
10. You feel isolated from friends and family.

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11. Your partner tries to control how you spend time and who you hang out with.
12. Your partner tries to control how you spend money.
13. Your partner doesn’t support your decisions.
14. You are sometimes forced to do something that you’re not comfortable with.
15. Your partner threatens, insults, or humiliates you.
16. Your partner hurts you physically or emotionally.
17. Your partner doesn’t keep your secrets safe.
18. Your partner undermines your decisions about pregnancy and parenting.

WHAT IS ATTACHMENT THEORY?

Attachment theory is focused on the relationships and bonds between

people, particularly long-term relationships, including those between a parent
and child and between romantic partners.

Attachment styles
Bowlby’s attachment theory was tested using the `strange situation`.
Children’s responses to their mother’s presence and absence, and that of a
stranger, were recorded[4]. These results served as the basis for the formulation
of attachment styles
.
Secure attachment– Children who have developed secure attachment feel secure
and happy, and are eager to explore their surroundings. They know they could
trust their mother to be there for them. Although distressed at their mother’s
absence, they are assured she will return. The mother’s behavior is consistent and sensitive to the
needs of her child.

Anxious avoidant insecure attachment: Children who have developed an anxious avoidant insecure
attachment do not trust their mother to fulfill their needs. They act indifferent to their mother’s
presence or absence, but are anxious inside. They are not explorative, and are emotionally distant.
The mother’s behavior is disengaged from her child and
emotionally distant.

Anxious resistant insecure (ambivalent) attachment– Children

who have developed anxious resistant insecure attachment
show a mixture of anger and helplessness towards their
mother. They act passively, and feel insecure. Experience has
taught them that they cannot rely on their mother. The
mother’s behavior is inconsistent. At times she is responsive
and at times neglects her child.

Disorganized/disoriented attachment- Children who do not fit

into the other categories are included in this fourth form of
attachment. These children could act depressed, angry,
passive, or apathetical. Their mothers could act in varying
extremes, such as swaying between passivity and aggression
or being scared and actually being scary.

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SUPPLEMENTARY READING

A RESEARCH STUDY ON RELATIONSHIPS

A sample of 1,110 adolescents assessed nine aspects of their relationships with their mother,
their father, their best same-sex friend, their most important sibling, and their most important teacher.
These aspects were admiration, affection, companionship, conflict, instrumental aid, intimacy,
nurturance, reliable alliance, and satisfaction with the relationship. Early adolescents (11 through 13
years of age) gave higher ratings than did middle (14 through 16years of age) and late (17 through 19
years of age) adolescents for all relationships on most attributes. Except for intimacy and nurturance,
middle adolescents' ratings were higher than those of late adolescents but only for some
relationships. The observed trends are interpreted with respect to several social, social cognitive, and
cognitive changes taking place over the span of adolescence.

LETTER FROM MOM

Read the letter below.

Dear Shane,

P1. Right now you are upstairs in your room thinking that life is completely and totally unfair.

P2. The whole world is against you because there is not a single person in it that understands you. You
would say that you love your friends, but the truth is that you love them more on Facebook, Tweeter and
Instagram than you do in real life. In real life, you can only handle spending so much time with them before
they start to annoy you because, as I mentioned before, no one really understands who you are.

P3. Your room is a mess. The clothes that you beg for
me to buy you are crumpled in a heap in the corner.
When asked to clean – when asked to do anything,
really – you roll your eyes (not to my face, because you
are smart enough at this point to know that will set me
off) because you have a thousand more important
things to do like watch Pangako Sa ‘Yo or check your
phone.

P4. You are both obsessed with and terrified by boys.

P5. Some days you think you are pretty. Some days you
are certain you are the ugliest person on earth. You are
sure you are being left out of something. Some party,
some conversation, some sleepover is happening and
you were deliberately excluded because no one cares
how you feel. You have every right in the world to be

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moody because life is hard. Grade 11 is pointless. There isn’t a person alive who hasn’t been able to get
into the college they wanted to because they got poor grades in Grade 10. Mostly though, life is just hard
and complicated and difficult and confusing. Despite this, you are never given the credit you deserve for
always knowing what’s what. You know what is best for you and there is nothing more irritating than
someone else (like me) presuming that they know.
P6. I realize that when I raise these topics with you, you will not hear me. Despite all appearances, you are
not a small adult. You cannot reason like an adult and so it is impossible for you to understand that I am
trying to help you and guide you and not, ruin your life. This privilege I exert does not necessarily come
from biology, it comes from the fact that I have been exactly where you are and I have been navigating
this life for a lot longer than you. It is true that everyone has a story, and everyone’s story is unique, but
loss, pain, anger, confusion and sadness are universal. These feelings don’t separate you from the world,
but rather they bind you closer to it. Someone out there is feeling the exact same way you do right now,
including me, my dearest girl, and I am only a few feet away. There will never be and can never be another
you, but you are part of a magnificent community of humans. Humanity at times can be brutal and petty
and mean-
spirited, but that’s never an excuse for you to be that way. You are so much more and so much better
than a bad day.

P7. I am not your friend. I don’t care what you think about me. I am not aiming for popularity in our house.
Most importantly, we are not equals. Think about it: how can we be equals if you depend on me for
everything? If you’re going to ask for extra money for whatever you want to buy, then you have to take
my rules. Some people call it parenting. Greedy me, I call it authority. When you don’t need me for things,
only advice and counsel, then we can explore a friendship.

P8. When I ask you to do something right now, I am trying to teach you something about success.
Procrastination is a dream killer. No one ever became a grand success by doing it later. You’re right, your
room is yours. I am less concerned with the state of it than I am of your mind. Ever see a happy person on
Hoarders? It sounds ridiculous to you, but a clean space makes it easier to be creative and productive.
When you let your room slide, you are likely to let everything
else slide too, like homework.

P9. I am not a Tiger Mom. I am not interested in you getting

straight A’s (though, of course, that would be great), I am
interested in you doing your absolute best. Sometimes you do
your best and you fail, and you need to learn to be okay with
that, too. You must learn to be good AT school, so it will be
easier for you to be good AT college and AT work. Yes, of course,
it’s pandering to a system, but everyone, regardless of status
has to work within a system, unless you’re becoming a hermit
which let’s face it, is never going to happen. When you become
overly concerned with pleasing your friends and making them
happy it takes away from your focus, your job, which right now
is school. The balance you learn to strike right now will carry you
through your entire life where friendships can be vital. But, you
cannot rely on a great friendship to buy you a house.

P10. I don’t tell you often enough how beautiful you are. Even
though you are stunning, I do guess I do this on purpose. Being

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beautiful should never be the most interesting thing about you. A girl who relies on her looks is setting
herself up to be a woman lost at sea as she gets older. We live in a world where beauty can and will open
many doors, but how you choose to open them and what you do inside becomes about character.
Character, moral aptitude, empathy, grace- these are the traits that will carry on your beauty far after
your looks are gone. You aren’t anywhere near understanding this right now, even though I am trying to
lead this change by example. When you look at me all you see is old, and mom.
P11. Unbelievably though, I was young (and not so long ago, I might add) once, and nothing you can say
will shock me. In point of fact, if I was to over share and talk about some of the things I’ve done, or still
do actually, on a pretty regular basis with your step dad, it is you that would be shocked. Don’t worry, I
would never, because like I said, we are not friends. I promise you this,
though: as long as you tell me the truth, you will never get into trouble, though I can’t promise I won’t be
disappointed.
P12. Until you have children of your own, you won’t realize the depth in which I love you. I would do
anything for you and it is the great irony of life that the person I love most, I get treated the worst by. I
am your greatest cheerleader and your biggest fan. Sometimes you scream “Why do you hate me!” when
I am doing my job as a mother. You don’t understand that if I indeed hated you, or felt a far more heinous
thing, indifference, I simply wouldn’t bother. I would let you get on with it and shrug my shoulders and
not say a word. When I stand my ground and open myself up to your vitriol and disregard and general
railroading, that, my dear, is love.

P13. The most important thing for you to understand is though you may be convinced otherwise,
whatever happens in this crazy, upside down life, you will never, ever be alone. So maybe, just once in a
while, will you keep this in mind and be a little kinder to me.

Your ever loving,

Mom

After reading the letter, be ready to answer the following questions in class:

1. What kind of relationship does the letter describe?

2. Who are involved in the relationship? Describe each character.
3. What roles does each character play in the relationship?
4. Are you satisfied with this type of relationship? Explain your answer.
5. Do you agree that this type of relationship can be improved? Explain your answer.
6. In what ways can the characters show they are responsible to maintain a good relationship?

GROUP DISCUSSION ON LETTER FROM MOM

1. Why would the Mom write that her daughter thinks life is unfair?
2. Why would the Mom write that nobody understands her daughter? Does this mean the Mom also
does not understand her daughter? Explain your answer.
3. How does the Mom describe her daughter’s behavior on
paragraph 3?
4. What does the Mom mean when she wrote “you are both
obsessed with and terrified by boys”?
5. Refer to paragraphs 5 and 6, do you agree with what the
Mom wrote about the daughter not being a small adult? What
does it mean to be a small adult?

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6. What is the Mom trying to say on paragraph 6?

7. Refer to paragraph 7, why did the Mom say they are not friends or equals? Do you agree
with her? Explain your answer.
8. Refer to paragraph 8, do you agree with the Mom that she is teaching her daughter a
lesson on success each time she asks her daughter to do something? Explain your answer.
9. Refer to paragraph 9, what does the Mom mean when she wrote “The balance you learn
to strike right now will carry you through your entire life where friendships can be vital.
But, you cannot rely on a great friendship to buy you a house.”? Does the Mom mean
friendship is not important? Explain your answer.
10. What does the Mom mean when she wrote “… unless you’re becoming a hermit which
let’s face it, is never going to happen”?
11. Refer to paragraph 10, give one lesson the Mom wants her daughter to learn.
12. How does the Mom feel when she wrote “When you look at me all you see is old, and mom.”?
Explain your answer.
13. Refer to paragraph 11, why do you think did the Mom write such details?
14. Refer to paragraph 12, do you agree with the Mom when she wrote “When I stand my ground and
open myself up to your vitriol and disregard and general railroading, that, my dear, is love.”? Explain
your answer.
15. Give instances that would make the Mom write “…it is the great irony of life that the person I love
most; I get treated the worst by.”
16. Refer to paragraph 13, what did the Mom promise her daughter? What was the Mom’s request from
her daughter?

SUPPLEMENTAL READING

Family: Nurture your Relationships

 Connect with your Family

One of the biggest challenges for families to stay connected is the busy pace of life. But Blue Zones
research states that the healthiest, longest-living people in the world all have something in common:
they put their families first. Family support can provide comfort, support, and even influence better
health outcomes while you are sick. Relationships and family author Mimi Doe recommends
connecting with family by letting little grievances go, spending time together, and expressing love and
compassion to one another.
Of course, the same practices apply to close friends as well. This is especially important if you
don’t have living family, or have experienced difficult circumstances, such as abuse, that would make
it difficult for you to connect with your relatives.

 Practice gratitude
Gratitude is one of the most accessible positive emotions, and its effects can strengthen
friendships and intimate relationships. One 2010 study found that expressing gratitude toward a
partner can strengthen the relationship, and this positive boost is felt by both parties—the one who
expresses gratitude and the one who receives it. Remembering to say “thank you” when a friend
listens or your spouse brings you a cup of coffee can set off an upward spiral of trust, closeness, and
affection.
 Learn to forgive

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 PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT

It’s normal for disagreements or betrayal to arise in relationships, but your choice about how
to handle the hurt can have a powerful effect on the healing process. Choosing to forgive can bring
about a variety of benefits, both physical and emotional. Fred Luskin, head of the Stanford Forgiveness
Project, says it’s easier to let go of the anger or hurt feelings associated with a circumstance if you
remind yourself that much of your distress is really coming from the thoughts and feelings you are
having right now while remembering the event—not the event itself. Don’t be afraid to clearly
articulate why you are upset, but once the other party has listened, be willing to lay down your anger
and move on.

 Be compassionate
Compassion is the willingness to be open to yourself and others, even in painful times, with a
gentle, nonjudgmental attitude. When you feel compassionate toward another person—whether a
romantic partner, friend, relative, or colleague—you open the gates for better communication and a
stronger bond. This doesn’t mean taking on the suffering of others, or absorbing their emotions.
Rather, compassion is the practice of recognizing when someone else is unhappy or whose needs
aren’t being met and feeling motivated to help them. We are an imitative species: when compassion
is shown to us, we return it.

 Accept others
It is also important to be accepting of the other person in the relationship. Obviously, this does not
apply in situations of abuse or unhealthy control, where you need foremost to protect yourself. But
otherwise, try to understand where the person is coming from rather than judge them. As you do for
yourself, have a realistic acceptance of the other's strengths and weaknesses and remember that
change occurs over time.

 Create rituals together

With busy schedules and the presence of online social media that offer the façade of real contact, it’s
very easy to drift from friends. In order to nurture the closeness and support of friendships, you have
to make an effort to connect. Gallup researcher Tom Rath has found that people who deliberately
make time for gatherings or trips enjoy stronger relationships and more positive energy. An easy way
to do this is to create a standing ritual that you can share and that doesn’t create more stress—talking
on the telephone on Fridays, for example, or sharing a walk during lunch breaks, are ways to keep in
contact with the ones you care about the most.

 Spend the right amount of time together

Gallup researchers Jim Harter and Raksha Arora found that people
who spend 6- 7 hours per day socializing (which could mean hanging
out with friends, sharing meals with family, or even emailing a
colleague) tend to be the happiest. In contrast, those who have zero
interactions (or an exhausting overload of social time) feel more
stressed.

Knowing when to give your time to others and when to take some time
for yourself can be crucial in maintaining balanced, healthy
relationships as well as emotional well-being.

Quote: “If you look deeply into the palm of your hand, you will see your
parents and all generations of your ancestors. All of them are alive in

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this moment. Each is present in your body. You are the continuation of these people.” – Thich Nhat
Hanh

HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIPS?

How do you feel about your relationships? Where do you see your relationships
going? Are you happy with your relationships? Put a if your answer is YES and
write if your answer is NO.
Criteria / Relationship Family Friends Partner Organizations
I. Overall feelings about the relationship:
Are you getting your needs met?
Are you speaking up and asking for what
you want?
Are you feeling heard?
Are you feeling encouraged and
supported to grow?
II. The decision-making process:
Are the decisions made to your
satisfaction?
Is there sufficient time to discuss, assess,
and process?
Do you feel as though your thoughts and
feelings are taken seriously?
Is there a collaborative spirit about
decisions?
III. Communication
Do you feel safe to say whatever you
feel?
Do you feel listened to when you
communicate?

Do you feel encouraged to tell your

truth?
Do you feel supported in all your dreams
and goals?
IV. Roles and responsibilities
Do you feel the division of tasks is
working?
Do you feel that both of you are doing
your parts?
Do you feel that tasks allocation is fair?
Is there anything that you want to
change?
V. Activities
Do you feel like you spend enough time
together?
Do you feel like you need more alone
time?
Do you want to try something new?
VI. Planning, schedules, and logistics
Are you experiencing any schedule
conflicts you want to address?
Are there financial agreements that
are fair?

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Does each of you have enough time to

accomplish everything you want?

Summative Assessments

See page 99 for your Second Grading Written Works and Performance Tasks. Read carefully
the instructions. Good luck! ☺

REFERENCES

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https://www.takingcharge.csh.umn.edu/what-do-we-mean-personal-relationships

Clark-Lempers, D., J.D. Lempers & C. Ho. (1991). Early, Middle, and Late Adolescents' Perceptions of Their
Relationships with Significant Others. Journal of Adolescent Research. 6-3, 296-315.

Foster, A. (November 26, 2012). A Letter to a 14-Year Old Daughter. Retrieved from https://hellogiggles.com/love-
sex/a-letter-to-a-14-year-old-daughter/

Ten Rules for Finding Love and Creating Long-lasting Authentic Relationships. Retrieved from
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I Know the Signs of a Healthy Relationship. Retrieved from http://washingteenhelp.org/your-relationships/your-

love-life

David L. (January 24, 2016). “Attachment Theory (Bowlby).” In Learning Theories. Retrieved from
https://www.learning-theories.com/attachment-theory-bowlby.html

Robert J. Sternberg. (2014). Robert J. Sternberg. https://www.robertjsternberg.com/love

Basic Rights in a Relationship 1. The right to good will from the other. 2. The right to emotional support. 3. The
righ… | Emotional support, Relationship, Emotions. (n.d.). Pinterest. Retrieved July 21, 2020, from
https://www.pinterest.ph/pin/14003448818825957/

15 Last Minute Gifts and Surprise Ideas for Mother’s Day. (n.d.). Retrieved July 21, 2020, from
https://www.coolthings.com/last-minute-mothers-day-surprise-ideas-gifts/

7 Tips for Nurturing Family Relationships in Foster Care | Marriage.com. (2017, November 6). Marriage Advice -
Expert Marriage Tips & Advice. https://www.marriage.com/advice/family/nurturing-family-relationships-in-foster-
care/

Julie Olsen Edwards. (2010). The Many Kinds of Family Structures in Our Communities.
https://www.scoe.org/files/ccpc-family-structures.pdf

Feuerman, Marni (2020). Sternberg’s Triangular Theory and the 7 Types of Love. Retrieved from
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The most important one. (2019, April 29). The Times of India. https://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/life-
style/relationships/love-sex/this-is-how-your-body-language-attracts-the-people-of-the-opposite-
sex/photostory/69059089.cms?picid=69059090

Carter-Scott, Cherie. (1999). If Love is a Game, These are the Rules. Broadway Books, a division of Random
House, Inc. pp. 151-152.

Supporting Student Identity 266 TOOL SET A Genogram Lesson Plan and Sample. (n.d.). Retrieved July 22, 2020,
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