Relationships

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Contents

1 Contents 3

2 The Science of Relationships 5

3 The Evolution of the Human Brain 7

3.1 The Triune Brain . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7
3.2 Natural vs. Sexual Selection . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 9
3.3 What's Sexy About a Cerebral Cortex? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10

4 How Women Select Men 13

4.1 "Alpha"Males . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 13
4.2 Relationship Skills . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 17
4.3 Emotional Connection . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 18
4.4 Entertainment Skills . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 22

5 How Men Select Women 27

5.1 Youth . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 27
5.2 Beauty . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 28
5.3 Education and Employment . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 30
5.4 Emotional Connection . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 31

6 How Our Ancestors Lived 33

6.1 Idyllic Lifestyle . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 33
6.2 Egalitarian Groups . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 34
6.3 Limited Polygyny . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 35
6.4 Were Our Ancestors Monogamous or Polygamous? . . . . . . . . . . . . . 35
6.5 Agricultural Societies . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 36
6.6 Industrial-Information Society . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 38

7 Monogamy and Polygamy 41

7.1 Women-Egalitarian Sisterhood . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 41
7.2 Women's Power . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 42
7.3 Increasing Status via Hypergamy . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 42
7.4 Careers vs. Motherhood . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 43
7.5 Men-Masters, Slaves, and Welfare Cheats . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 44
7.6 Class Stratification . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 44
7.7 Incest, Child Abuse, and Wife Battering . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 45
7.8 Welfare Fraud . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 46
7.9 Violence in Polygynous Societies . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 46
7.10 Judaism, Christianity, Islam, and Polygyny . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 47
7.11 Contemporary Monogamy and Polygamy . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 48

III
Contents

7.12 Men's and Women's Desired Number of Partners . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 48

7.13 When Masculine Sexuality Is Acceptable . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 49
7.14 Stress and Promiscuity . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 49
7.15 Sexual Satisfaction in Monogamous Relationships . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 50
7.16 Is There a "Marriage Crisis"? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 51
7.17 Serial Monogamy Tends Toward Polyandry . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 51
7.18 African-American Marriage and Polygyny . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 52

8 Hormones 55
8.1 Testosterone . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 55
8.2 Estrogen and Progesterone . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 58
8.3 Oxytocin . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 60
8.4 Pheromones . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 61
8.5 Do Men and Women Have Different Sex Drives? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 63

9 Communication Styles 67
9.1 The Great Male Hierarchy . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 67
9.2 Women’s Support Circles . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 67
9.3 Women's Culture, Men's Culture . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 68

10 Life Stages 77

11 Childhood--Seeking Unconditional Love 79

12 Adolescence--Seeking Romantic Love 81

12.1 Anima and Animus . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 81
12.2 Projection . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 82
12.3 Becoming Your Object of Desire . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 84
12.4 Developing an Adult Identity . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 85
12.5 Adolescent Friendship . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 87

13 Adulthood--Families And Forgiveness 89

13.1 30s: Stuck Between Adolescence and Adulthood . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 89
13.2 Adult Friendship . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 90
13.3 Companionate Marriages . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 90
13.4 Your Village of Relationships . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 91

14 Agape--Altruistic Love 93

15 Practical Advice 95

16 Where Couples Met 97

16.1 Who Introduced Couples . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 98
16.2 Similarity and Dissimilarity . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 98
16.3 Where to Meet Single Men and Women . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 99
16.4 Two Contradictory Rules for Attracting Women . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 100
16.5 Man Shortage or Woman Shortage? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 100
16.6 Man Shortage or Commitment Shortage? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 101
16.7 Create Your Own Man- or Woman-Advantage . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 102

IV
 Contents

17 Flirting 103
17.1 Babysitting Lessons . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 103
17.2 Flirt with Everyone . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 104
17.3 Peek-a-Boo . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 104
17.4 "Speed Dating" . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 105
17.5 Compliments . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 105
17.6 Transition Points . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 106
17.7 Making a Date . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 107
17.8 Dress for Sex . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 108
17.9 Dream Houses, Dream Relationships . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 108

18 How to Write a Personal Ad 111

18.1 Examples . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 111
18.2 Making Personal Ads Work . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 112
18.3 Responding to Personal Ads . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 115
18.4 The Future of Personal Ads . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 115

19 Dating 117
19.1 Emotional Range . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 117
19.2 What to Do on a Date . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 118
19.3 Group Dates . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 118
19.4 The Best Date a Man Can Take a Woman On . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 118
19.5 The Best Date a Woman Can Take a Man On . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 118
19.6 Ending the Date . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 119
19.7 Alcohol and Sexual Intimacy . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 119
19.8 11 Dating Mistakes Men Make . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 120
19.9 3 Dating Mistakes Women Make . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 124

20 Sex (and Why to Avoid It) 125

20.1 Physiological aspects . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 125
20.2 Social and cultural aspects . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 127

21 Becoming a Couple 129

21.1 Permanently Passive Women . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 129
21.2 Permanent Pursuers . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 129
21.3 Switch Genders Roles for Commitment . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 129
21.4 "Our Relationship"Talks . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 130
21.5 Resistance to Commitment . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 131
21.6 Life Stages Conflict . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 131
21.7 Deciding Whom to Marry vs. Deciding When to Marry . . . . . . . . . . . 132

22 Conflict In Relationships 135

22.1 Conjunct Relationships . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 135
22.2 Opposite Relationships . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 135
22.3 Triangular Relationships . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 136
22.4 Square Relationships . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 136
22.5 Larger Groups . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 137
22.6 Dyad Trouble . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 138

V
Contents

22.7 Staying in Relationships . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 138

23 Personality Types 141

24 Emotional Control Systems 143

24.1 Archetypes . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 144
24.2 Opposites Attract . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 144

25 Zeus-Hera 147
25.1 Zeus . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 147
25.2 Hera . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 149
25.3 Zeus-Hera Marriage . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 151

26 Poseidon-Athena 153
26.1 Poseidon . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 153
26.2 Athena . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 155
26.3 Poseidon-Athena . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 157

27 Apollo-Artemis 159
27.1 Apollo . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 159
27.2 Artemis . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 161
27.3 Apollo-Artemis Marriage . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 162

28 Hermes-Hestia 165
28.1 Hermes . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 165
28.2 Hestia . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 166
28.3 Hermes-Hestia Marriage . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 168

29 Ares-Hephaestus-Aphrodite 169
29.1 Ares . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 169
29.2 Hephaestus . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 171
29.3 Aphrodite . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 173
29.4 Ares-Hephaestus-Aphrodite Marriage . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 175

30 Dionysus-Demeter 177
30.1 Dionysus . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 177
30.2 Demeter . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 179
30.3 Dionysus-Demeter Marriage . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 181

31 Hades-Persephone 183
31.1 Hades . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 183
31.2 Persephone . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 185
31.3 Hades-Persephone Marriage . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 187
31.4 The Hades-Persephone Relationship . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 189
31.5 Why Women Do Things to Drive the Men They Love Up the Wall . . . . 191
31.6 Hades and Persephone in Every Marriage . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 191

32 General 193

33 About This Book 195

VI
 Contents

34 References 197

35 Recommended Books 199

35.1 The Evolution of the Human Brain . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 199
35.2 How Women Select Men . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 199
35.3 How Men Select Women . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 200
35.4 How Our Ancestors Lived . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 200
35.5 Monogamy and Polygamy . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 200
35.6 Hormones . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 201
35.7 Communication Styles . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 201
35.8 Adolescence - Seeking Romantic Love . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 201
35.9 Flirting . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 202
35.10 Personal Ads . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 202
35.11 Dating . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 202
35.12 Sex . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 202
35.13 Becoming a Couple . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 203
35.14 Conflict in Relationships . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 203
35.15 Emotional Control Systems . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 204
35.16 Poseidon-Athena . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 204
35.17 Apollo-Artemis . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 204
35.18 Hermes-Hestia . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 204
35.19 Dionysus-Demeter . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 205
35.20 Hades-Persephone . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 205

36 FAQ 207
36.1 Confused & Upset . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 207
36.2 Conflict . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 207
36.3 Why develop all 15 archetypes? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 208
36.4 A love style in a relationship . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 208
36.5 relationship with a married man . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 208

37 GNU Free Documentation License 209

37.1 0. PREAMBLE . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 209
37.2 1. APPLICABILITY AND DEFINITIONS . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 210
37.3 2. VERBATIM COPYING . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 211
37.4 3. COPYING IN QUANTITY . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 211
37.5 4. MODIFICATIONS . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 212
37.6 5. COMBINING DOCUMENTS . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 214
37.7 6. COLLECTIONS OF DOCUMENTS . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 214
37.8 7. AGGREGATION WITH INDEPENDENT WORKS . . . . . . . . . . . 214
37.9 8. TRANSLATION . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 215
37.10 9. TERMINATION . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 215
37.11 10. FUTURE REVISIONS OF THIS LICENSE . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 215
37.12 11. RELICENSING . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 216

38 How to use this License for your documents 217

39 Contributors 219

VII
 Contents

List of Figures 223

40 Licenses 227
40.1 GNU GENERAL PUBLIC LICENSE . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 227
40.2 GNU Free Documentation License . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 228
40.3 GNU Lesser General Public License . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 229
21
Permission is granted to copy, distribute and/or modify this document under the terms of
the GNU Free Documentation License, Version 1.2 or any later version published by the Free
Software Foundation; with no Invariant Sections, no Front-Cover Texts, and no Back-Cover
Texts. A copy of the license is included in the section entitled "GNU Free Documentation
License".

1 http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/Category%3ARelationships

1
1 Contents

The Science of Relationships1

The Evolution of the Human Brain2 · How Women Select Men3 · How Men Select Women4
· How Our Ancestors Lived5 · Monogamy and Polygamy6 · Hormones7 · Communication
Styles8
Life Stages9
Childhood--Seeking Unconditional Love10 · Adolescence--Seeking Romantic Love11 ·
Adulthood--Families And Forgiveness12 · Agape--Altruistic Love13
Practical Advice14
Where Couples Met15 · Flirting16 · How to Write a Personal Ad17 · Dating18 · Sex (and
Why to Avoid It)19 · Becoming a Couple20 · Conflict In Relationships21
Personality Types22

1 Chapter 3 on page 7
2 Chapter 3 on page 7
3 Chapter 3 on page 7
4 Chapter 3 on page 7
5 Chapter 3 on page 7
6 Chapter 3 on page 7
7 Chapter 3 on page 7
8 Chapter 3 on page 7
9 Chapter 3 on page 7
10 Chapter 3 on page 7
11 Chapter 3 on page 7
12 Chapter 3 on page 7
13 Chapter 3 on page 7
14 Chapter 3 on page 7
15 Chapter 3 on page 7
16 Chapter 3 on page 7
17 Chapter 3 on page 7
18 Chapter 3 on page 7
19 Chapter 3 on page 7
20 Chapter 3 on page 7
21 Chapter 3 on page 7
22 Chapter 3 on page 7

3
Contents

Emotional Control Systems23 · Zeus-Hera24 · Poseidon-Athena25 · Apollo-Artemis26

· Hermes-Hestia27 · Ares-Hephaestus-Aphrodite28 · Dionysus-Demeter29 · Hades-
Persephone30
General31
About This Book32 · References33 · Recommended Books34 · FAQ35 · GNU Free Documen-
tation License36

23 Chapter 3 on page 7
24 Chapter 3 on page 7
25 Chapter 3 on page 7
26 Chapter 3 on page 7
27 Chapter 3 on page 7
28 Chapter 3 on page 7
29 Chapter 3 on page 7
30 Chapter 3 on page 7
31 Chapter 3 on page 7
32 Chapter 3 on page 7
33 Chapter 3 on page 7
34 Chapter 3 on page 7
35 Chapter 3 on page 7
36 Chapter 3 on page 7

4
2 The Science of Relationships

5
3 The Evolution of the Human Brain

Large brains are humans' most distinctive anatomical feature. Our brains are about four
times bigger than chimpanzees' and gorillas' brains.
Brains use twenty times the calories of muscles at rest. Brains require maintaining a constant
temperature. Large brains are easily injured, and make childbirth difficult. Intelligence has
many costs, yet doesn't directly help an animal survive (e.g., a big brain doesn't make you
run faster or survive colder weather).
Our ancestors' brains began to enlarge about two million years ago. Two million years is
short in evolutionary time.

3.1 The Triune Brain

Our brains comprise three distinct structures, representing three evolutionary periods.1
The oldest, deepest, and smallest area is the reptilian brain.2 The reptilian brain controls
the heart, lungs, and other vital organs. It enables aggression, mating, and reaction to
immediate danger.
Mammals evolved the limbic system. This is the middle layer of our brains, surrounding
the reptilian brain. The physiological features unique to mammals are in the limbic brain,
e.g., the hypothalamus system for keeping us warm.
The limbic brain also produces emotions. Emotions facilitate relationships. Mammals,
unlike reptiles, care for their young. Mammals evolved brains hardwired for mother-child
and other relationships.

1 MacLean, Paul. The Triune Brain in Evolution: Role in Paleocerebral Functions (Plenum, 1990, ISBN
0306431688).
2 A.k.a. basal ganglia or extrapyramidal motor system. Panksepp, Jaak. Affective Neuroscience: The
Foundations of Human and Animal Emotions (Oxford, 1998, ISBN 0-19-509673-8), p. 42.

7
The Evolution of the Human Brain

The most common reaction a reptile has to its young is indifference; it lays its eggs and
walks (or slithers) away. Mammals form close-knit, mutually nurturant social groups-
families-in which members spend time touching and caring for one another. Parents
nourish and safeguard their young, and each other, from the hostile world outside their
group. A mammal will risk and sometimes lose its life to protect a child or mate from
attack. A garter snake or salamander watches the death of its kin with an unblinking
eye.a

a Lewis, T., Amini, F., Lannon, R. A General Theory of Love (Random House, 2000, ISBN 0375503897),
25-26.

The cerebral cortex (or neocortex) is the newest, outermost area of our brains. The oldest
mammals, e.g., opossums, have only a thin layer of cerebral cortex. Rabbits have a little
more, cats a bit more. Monkeys have a substantial cerebral cortex. Humans--and only
humans--have an enormous cerebral cortex.3
The human reptilian brain and limbic system is similar is size and structure to other animals.
I.e., our ancestors evolved a huge cerebral cortex, while the older brain areas didn't change.
The cerebral cortex learns new things. Animals with little or no cerebral cortex act only as
their genes program them to act. Animals with a cerebral cortex can find new foods, survive
in new environments, or change their mating tactics to improve reproductive success.
The human cerebral cortex goes beyond learning new foods and survival skills. Our brains
can think in abstractions. We communicate via symbols (e.g., language), consider the past
and future, and sacrifice our personal interests not only for our families (as other mammals
do) but also for ideas (e.g., honor and country).
Conflicts between brain areas lead to relationship difficulties. In a conflicted brain, the
older area wins. In contrast, an individual with an integrated brain--i.e., who uses his or
her whole brain--solves relationship problems.

3.1.1 Ontogeny Recapitulates Phylogeny

A child's development mimics its species' evolution.

Infants live in their reptilian brains. They eat, breathe, crawl, sleep, etc.
Children live in their limbic brains. They feel emotions strongly. They use emotions to
form relationships.
Adolescents live in their cerebral cortexes. They strive to become unique individuals. They
quest to find abstract principles to live by.
Adult relationships invert childhood development. Men and women use cerebral cortex
abstractions (e.g., gender roles) to attract opposite sex partners. If a couple then feels limbic
brain emotionally connected "chemistry," they form a relationship. If the relationship goes
well, sooner or later they're in bed, using their reptilian brains.

3 Lewis, T., Amini, F., Lannon, R. A General Theory of Love (Random House, 2000, ISBN 0375503897),
43.

8
 Natural vs. Sexual Selection

Love develops a child's limbic brain.4 Unloved children fail to develop limbic brains capable
of emotional intimacy. Such an individual can relate on a reptilian level--e.g., food, warmth,
sex--or on a cerebral cortex level--e.g., excelling at accounting or the law--but have difficulty
with intimacy.

3.2 Natural vs. Sexual Selection

In The Origin of Species (1859), Charles Darwin wrote that species evolve via random
mutations. Environmental changes--e.g., changing food sources, predation, climate--favor
one mutation over another. He called this process natural selection.
The conventional view is that our smarter, larger-brained ancestors invented tools, and
then dominated their smaller-brained relations. The archaeological facts don't support this
"man the toolmaker" hypothesis.
Our ancestors first used stone tools 2.5 million years, or 100,000 generations, ago.5
This book has about 50,000 words. To refer to the first human as your "great-great-
great grandparent," you'd have to replace every word in this book with "great," and you'd
need two books.
After one million years, or near the end of the first book, our ancestors' brains were more
than double in size. Archaeologists can see slight improvements in their stone tools.6
500,000 years ago--halfway through the second book--our ancestors' brains were nearly as
big as our brains. Our ancestors started using fire.7 Fire enabled them to move from Africa
to colder Europe and Asia.
50,000 years ago--eight pages from the end of the second book--our ancestors' brains reached
modern size. Their stone tools became thinner and sharper. They carved small ornamental
figurines from ivory, shell, and stone. They created beautiful cave paintings. They built the
first ocean-going boats.8
5,000-10,000 years ago--the last page of the second book--our ancestors developed agricul-
ture. Poor nutrition made farmers' bodies and brains smaller. They invented writing and
metal tools. They invented the bow and arrow-a weapon that seems primitive to us.9
Our ancestors' brains enlarged before technological advances. Our ancestors' brains were
required for each new technological innovation. Tool use was one of many uses for our large
brains. Something else drove human brain evolution.

4 Lewis, T., Amini, F., Lannon, R. A General Theory of Love (Random House, 2000, ISBN 0375503897),
43.
5 Kehoe, Alice B. Humans: An Introduction to Four-Field Anthropology (Routledge, 1998, ISBN 0-415-
91985-1), p. 53.
6 Kehoe, Alice B. Humans: An Introduction to Four-Field Anthropology (Routledge, 1998, ISBN 0-415-
91985-1), p. 55.
7 Kehoe, Alice B. Humans: An Introduction to Four-Field Anthropology (Routledge, 1998, ISBN 0-415-
91985-1), p. 55.
8 Kehoe, Alice B. Humans: An Introduction to Four-Field Anthropology (Routledge, 1998, ISBN 0-415-
91985-1), p. 61.
9 http://www.archery.org/what_is_archery/history.htm, http://www.usarchery.org/naapub/
history.htm.

9
The Evolution of the Human Brain

3.2.1 Sexual Selection

In The Descent of Man (1871), Darwin wrote that natural selection failed to explain human
evolution. Instead, he proposed an alternative theory. Species evolve when males and
females select each other for certain qualities. He called this sexual selection. Biologists
ignored this idea for over a century.10
Female mammals, in general, are more selective than males. Females in most mammal
species do most of the work of producing and raising children. In contrast, fathering off-
spring is less work, so males aren't so choosy.

The exertion of some choice on the part of the female seems almost as general a law as
the eagerness of the male.a

a Darwin, Charles. The Descent of Man ˆ{http://www.literature.org/authors/darwin-charles/

the-descent-of-man/} (Prometheus, 1871, ISBN 1573921769).

Females choose males with features that make the males less able to survive.11 E.g., a
peacock's bright colors make him visible to predators, and his huge tail slows his escapes.
His beautiful tail communicates to peahens that he's an especially fit individual, i.e., he's
so fast that he can escape predators despite his heavy tail. Sexual selection is, in general,
the opposite of natural selection.
Natural selection advances via slow environmental change. Natural selection advances evo-
lution only in harsh environments (e.g., predation, climate change). Natural selection pro-
duces animals better able to survive--usually smaller, more efficient, and less conspicuous.
In contrast, sexual selection advances with each generation. Sexual selection produces rapid
evolutionary changes. Sexual selection advances evolution in stable environments. Sexual
selection produces animals (especially males) less able to survive, with bigger, brighter, or
exaggerated features.

3.3 What's Sexy About a Cerebral Cortex?

Humans' oversized brains could have evolved due to sexual selection. But what's sexy about
an enlarged cerebral cortex? Women don't say, "Look at the cerebral cortex on that dude!
I want to have his children!" Our ancestors must have instead been attracted to cerebral
cortex behaviors.
Our cerebral cortexes enable many behaviors, e.g., speech and language. But what's striking
about the cerebral cortex is how much of it is not dedicated to specific behaviors. The human
cerebral cortex has billions of general-purpose neurons, capable of learning any new idea.
Why were our ancestral mothers and fathers--unlike any other animals--sexually attracted
to partners who could learn new ideas?

10 Miller, Geoffrey F. The Mating Mind: How Sexual Choice Shaped the Evolution of Human Nature (Dou-
bleday, 2000, ISBN 0385495161), p.33.
11 Trivers, R.L. (1972). "Parental investment and sexual selection," in B. Campbell (ed.), Sexual selection
and the descent of man 1871-1971. (Aldine, 1972).

10
 What's Sexy About a Cerebral Cortex?

3.3.1 Monogamy and Lying

Most nonhuman mammal fathers have little or no involvement with their offspring.12 Male
gorillas kill infants fathered by other males. Male chimpanzees help all the youngsters in
their group, but they don't know who fathered each child.
Human evolution may have begun when fathers helped raise their children, giving the
children a survival advantage. Among hunter-gatherers today, children without fathers are
more than twice as likely to die during childhood.13
Monogamy could cause a conflict between two reproductive strategies. A man could try to
have sex with many women, risking rejection from women, violence from other men, or his
fatherless children not surviving. Although initially more offspring might be conceived this
way, such a man might father no surviving children.
Or a man could choose to be in a monogamous relationship, and actively raise his children.
Such a man would father only a few children, but his children would likely survive and
prosper.
A woman could have sex with a desirable (e.g., high-status, tall, strong, handsome) man,
and risk competing women taking him from her. Or she could choose a stable, monogamous
relationship with a less-desirable man whom no one other woman wanted.

3.3.2 Sexual Lying Could Have Driven Cerebral Cortex Development

Getting caught reduces a liar's reproductive success. Catching liars increases the lie-
catcher's reproductive success.
Lying requires imagination, quick thinking, and, above all, thinking of new lies. Catching
lies requires imagination, quick thinking, and a long memory.
Those are cerebral cortex activities. Effective liars also match their emotions to their lies.
You catch lies when an individual's emotional state doesn't match his or her words. Effective
lying requires integrating one's cerebral cortex with one's limbic brain.
A man or woman with a larger cerebral cortex, well-integrated with his or her limbic brain,
is better able to sexually lie, and to catch sexual lies. Such men and women became our
ancestors.

12 Diamond, Jared. Diamond's Hope: An Interview with Science's Multifaceted Storyteller ˆ{http://www.
calacademy.org/calwild/summer2000/html/diamond.html} , California Wild, Summer 2000.
13 Hurtado, A.M., Hill, K.R. "Paternal effect on offspring survivorship among Aché and Hiwi hunter-gatherer:
Implications for modeling pair-bond stability," in B.S. Hewlett (ed.), Father-child relations: Cultural and
biosocial contexts (Aldine de Gruyter, 1992), pages 31-55.

11
4 How Women Select Men

Women have two, conflicting instincts when choosing men. On the one hand, women have
the natural imperative to select optimal genetic traits, one way of making that selection easy
is through hierarchically superior men, a.k.a. "alpha" males. On the other hand, women
want men who can materially provide for their families, commit to a long-term relationship,
and enjoy interacting with children, a.k.a. "good relationship skills."

4.1 "Alpha" Males

What kind of "alpha" male are you?

If you're a gorilla, you're big and strong. You're twice the size of a female. You establish
your physical dominance over any male you meet. You live with your harem of two to five
females. Your females are monogamously faithful to you. Your penis is one inch long. Sex
is quick.
If you're a gibbon, you mate monogamously for life. You live with your mate and your
children. You sing to your mate. She sings back to let you know where she is. You and
your mate are the same size and look identical. You start each morning with a half-hour of
loud hooting to frighten other gibbons away from your forty acres of forest.
If you're a chimpanzee, you live in a group of fifty individuals. When a female is ovulating,
she has sex with every male in the group. You have a large penis, large testicles, and
ejaculate lots of sperm. You reproduce not because you dominate females or other males,
but because your sperm is more active than other males' sperm (i.e., you're healthier than
other males).
If you're a baboon, you live in a troop that varies from 10 to 200 individuals, depending on
habitat, time of year, and predation.1 You make friends with other males. When another
male threatens you, your friends back you up. You avoid fighting. Fighting leads to injuries,
and lions eat injured baboons.2 You also make friends with females. Female baboons mate
with their male friends. They like males who have many friends.

1 Cohen, J. E. 1969. "Natural primate troops and stochastic population models," American Naturalist
103:455-477. Cohen, J. E. 1971. "Social grouping and troop size in yellow baboons," Proceedings of the
3rd International Congress of Primatology, 1970 March 2-5 3:58-64. Cohen, J. E. 1972. "Aping monkeys
with mathematics," In Tuttle, R. ed. The Functional and Evolutionary Biology of Primates. Aldine-
Atherton, Chicago. Samuels, A. and Altmann, J. 1991. "Baboons of the Amboseli basin: demographic
stability and change," International Journal of Primatology 12:1-9.
2 Sapolsky, Robert. "Gorilla Tactics," Men’s Health, March 2002, p.68.

13
How Women Select Men

4.1.1 Women Go For Tail Feathers

Among the Aché hunter-gatherers of Paraguay, the men hunt big-game animals. They bring
home a big animal about one day in ten. They return empty-handed the other days. Men,
on median, bring in 4,663 calories per day.
Aché women gather plants and small animals, and care for their children (see ../How Our
Ancestors Lived/3 ). The amount of food a woman brings home depends only on how many
hours she spends laboriously picking and processing foods. Women, on average, bring in
10,356 calories per day.
When an Aché man brings home a deer, he shares it with other families, not only with his
wife and children. Why do Aché men hunt large animals, only to give away this relatively
rare food? Why not help their wives gather food? Such a man could easily bring home
enough plants and small animals for two wives and their children.
Aché women view big-game hunting like peahens view peacocks' tail feathers. Big-game
hunting shows that a man is physically and mentally fit. Giving away meat shows that he
has more than enough strength and skill to survive. Women like men with many friends,
and giving away meat maintains friendships. Men give meat to lower-status individuals to
show their superior place in the social hierarchy (see The Great Male Hierarchy4 ).
Extramarital sex isn't unusual among the Aché. When asked who had fathered their chil-
dren, Aché women named, on average, 2.1 possible fathers for each child. On the list of
possible fathers, the best hunters' names came up most often.

4.1.2 Status

Women prefer high-status men.5 In workplace affairs, men are equally likely to have sex
with a superior or subordinate woman. Women, in contrast, are seven times more likely to
have sex with superior, rather than subordinate, men.6
Many societies expect the sons of leaders to become leaders. Women who want "alpha"
sons marry "alpha" husbands. E.g., the 2000 presidential election was between the son of
a president, the son of a senator, the son and grandson of four-star Navy admirals, and the
son of a wealthy banker (George W. Bush, Al Gore, John McCain, and Bill Bradley).
To attract women, improve your social status. Give away stuff to make friends. Help less-
fortunate individuals, to show that you're above average. Lead groups, e.g., captain your
softball team. Dress well, Speak well.

4.1.3 Money

If money attracted women, Bill Gates would be sexier than the Beatles in 1965.

3 Chapter 6 on page 33
4 Chapter 9.1 on page 67
5 Buss, David M. Evolutionary Psychology (Allyn & Bacon, 1999, ISBN 0-205-19358-7), p. 110.
6 "Office Sex & Romance Survey," special to MSNBC, May 8, 2002.

14
 "Alpha" Males

Women are conflicted about money. Women want "alpha" males who show off their money
like peacocks show off their tail feathers, e.g., buying a round of drinks in a bar. But women
also want "relationship" men who put their paychecks into a mortgage.
Show off your money to attract a woman's attention. Then talk about the home you're
buying to make her want a relationship.
Our hunter-gatherer ancestors owned nothing but what they could carry to the next camp-
site. Accumulation of wealth wasn't possible. Women's cerebral cortexes have learned to
appreciate accumulated wealth, but their brains aren't hardwired for this. In a conflict,
women tend to choose their more basic instinct--love--instead of their newer appreciation
of wealth.

4.1.4 Confidence and Stress

Aché men gamble on bringing home a deer one day in ten, instead of choosing the safety of
helping their wives gather food. Gambling--and a man's life in general--is stressful.
Mammals produce glucocorticoid hormones in stressful situations. Too much glucocorticoid
causes health problems. In male and female primates, high-status individuals produce
minimal glucocorticoid in stressful situations. Low-status individuals produce too much
glucocorticoid.7 Stress--"the fear of fear itself"--physically hurts low-status individuals.
Stress doesn't affect the health of high-status individuals.
Confident men--who believe that their powers or circumstances can handle stressful
situations--attract women.8 To attract women and improve your health, take a stress-
reduction class. Learn to handle stressful situations with confidence.
The common belief that men are hardwired to be alone ("go to their caves") after a stressful
day and that women are hardwired to talk to a supportive partner is a misconception. The
former is the avoidant attachment style and the latter is the secure attachment style. It's
true that attachment styles are hardwired in adults, and it's true that this distinction is
of paramount importance in relationships (mismatched partners have more relationship
difficulties, and avoidant individuals have more relationship difficulties in general) but the
hardwiring results from the individuals genetics and childhood peer influences. Men and
women can have either attachment style.

4.1.5 Looks, Height, and Strength

Women rate tall, strong, athletic males as "very desirable" marriage partners. Women
are almost twice as likely to value physical strength in men, as men are to value physical
strength in women. However, most women have to be realistic and would settle for a male

7 Sapolsky, Robert M. "Hormonal correlates of personality and social contexts: from non-human to human
primates," in Hormones, Health, and Behavior, edited by C. Panter-Brick and C.M. Worthman (Cam-
bridge, 1999, ISBN 0-521-57332-7), 18-46.
8 Louis, Ron. SEXpectations (MPC, 1997, ISBN 0961317744), 100-101.

15
How Women Select Men

just slightly taller than themselves, whilst prefering men with feminine-looking faces. E.g.,
women prefer Leonardo DiCaprio to Tom Selleck.9
American women prefer men 5'11" (180.34 cm) or taller.10 Tall men receive more personal
ad responses than short men.
If you're short, study Japanese. Then vacation on Guam, the Hawaii-like American island
where Japanese women vacation.
Never-married women are more likely to prefer physical attractiveness. Conversely, divorced
and widowed women are more likely to select good character over physical attractiveness.

4.1.6 Language Skills

Men with good language skills attract women. Women love talking. To improve your
language skills, take a creative writing class. Or memorize a few romantic poems.
Or learn a foreign language. The words conjugate--to form variations of a verb--and conjugal-
-relating to marriage--come from the same root word. Foreign women will think that a man
who can conjugate verbs correctly in their language will make a good husband.

4.1.7 Age

Women select personal ads primarily by age.11 Women select men who are, on average,
three and a half years older. Older men, in general, have more social status and emotional
maturity.
The worldwide average age difference between brides and grooms is three years. Americans
marry closer in age.12
In 1890, the average age at which men first married was 26. Women married at 22.13
During the first half of the twentieth century, increasing affluence enabled younger men to
support families. Secondary education and increased leisure time facilitated dating. Dating
sometimes led to sex, pregnancy, and early marriage. In 1956, men married at 22, women
at 20.
The FDA approved oral contraceptives in 1956. The U.S. Supreme Court legalized abortion
in 1973. Women delayed motherhood to start careers.14 In 1998, men married at 27, women
at 25.

9 Rhodes, G. Hickford, C., Jeffrey, L. "Sex-typicality and attractiveness: Are supermale and superfemale
faces super-attractive?" British Journal of Psychology, 91, 125-140 (2000).
10 Buss, David M. Evolutionary Psychology (Allyn & Bacon, 1999, ISBN 0-205-19358-7), p. 117; "Tall men
'top husband stakes'," BBC News, 14 August, 2002, http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/2190461.stm
11 Buss, David M. Evolutionary Psychology (Allyn & Bacon, 1999, ISBN 0-205-19358-7), p. 127.
12 Statistical Abstract of the United States (U S. Department of Commerce), Table 56, "Married Couples by
Differences in Ages Between Husband and Wife: 1999" www.census.gov/prod/2001pubs/statab/sec01.pdf
13 http://www.census.gov/population/socdemo/ms-la/tabms-2.txt No data were recorded during
World War Two.
14 Murstein, Bernard. Paths to Marriage (Sage, 1986, ISBN 0803923821), p. 26.

16
 Relationship Skills

Couples now live together from the age that their parents' generation married. The average
man now first lives with a woman, either in marriage or as an unmarried couple, for the
first time at 22. The average woman moves in with a man at age 20 or 21.15
Couples that marry younger than 25 have dramatically higher divorce rates.16 Our brains'
prefrontal lobes don't mature until 25.17 This "executive decisions" brain area is where
we make good judgments. Automobile insurance rates drop at 25 because drivers with
mature prefrontal lobes get into fewer accidents. Similarly, men and women make better
relationship decisions after 25. (If you want to marry younger than 25, and you live in a
culture where it is accepted to ask your parents to arrange a marriage for you, then give it
a try; That idea sounds radical but it has worked for thousands of years.)

4.2 Relationship Skills

Women want men who'll stay in a faithful, long-term relationship. But a woman can't
predict a man's behavior twenty years in the future. Women instead look for signs that a
man is relationship material.

4.2.1 Predictability

Women prefer men who have a steady job, are dependable, and are emotionally stable.18 A
predictable man may be boring, but a woman feels that she can predict his behavior twenty
years into the future. Unpredictable, "flighty" men turn off women.
E.g., if you want to date a certain waitress, eat at her restaurant every day for months, at
the same time each day, ask for the same table, and order the same meal (and leave the
same big tip).

4.2.2 Home Ownership

One of the highest factors correlating with likelihood of a man to marry is home ownership.19
If you own a home, when asking a woman out, give her your business card and write your
home address on the back. She'll drive by and look at your home. On a date, talk about
your home.
If you don't own a home, say that you've been looking at homes to buy. Women enjoy
talking about buying homes.

15 Laumann, Edward O., Gagnon, John H., Michael, Robert T., Michaels, Stuart. The Social Organization
Of Sexuality: Sexual Practices In The United States (University of Chicago, 1994, ISBN 0-226-46957-3),
477-479.
16 Parker-Pope, Tara. "How Eye-Rolling Destroys A Marriage; Researchers Try to Predict Divorce Rate,"
The Wall Street Journal, August 6, 2002, p. D1.
17 Amen, Daniel G. Making a Good Brain Great: The Amen Clinic Program for Achieving and Sustaining
Optimal Mental Performance (Harmony, 2005, ISBN 1400082080).
18 Buss, David M. Evolutionary Psychology (Allyn & Bacon, 1999, ISBN 0-205-19358-7), p. 114.
19 Lloyd, K.M., South, S.J. "Contextual Influences on Young Men's Transition to First Marriage," Social
Forces, 74 (1996), page 1110.

17
How Women Select Men

4.2.3 Family Relationships

Another sign that a man will be a good husband and father is his relationship with his
family. Show women photos of yourself playing with your nieces and nephews. Invite your
date to meet your siblings or cousins and their nieces and nephews (meeting your parents
and grandparents is less effective).
Men positively interacting with children attract women. Men who ignore a child in distress
turn off women. Women's favorite pinups show bare-chested, muscled men holding smiling
babies.
In contrast, men have no preference for women interacting with children versus women
alone.20 E.g., men like pinups of bare-chested women, but not holding babies.

4.2.4 Astrology and Personality Types

Astrology and personality types fascinate women. They hope to predict the future of their
relationships. However, zodiac astrology is a pseudoscience and should not be relied on for
important life decisions. Personality types, on the other hand, are real and demonstrable.
Talk about personality types on dates (see Personality Types21 ).

4.3 Emotional Connection

The prefrontal lobes (part of the cerebral cortex) enable affect-regulation, or the

ability to regulate our emotional reactions, control our impulses, or moderate the survival
reflexes of our ancient reptilian system.a

a Pearce, Joseph Chilton. The Biology of Transcendence: A Blueprint Of The Human Spirit (Park
Street, 2002, ISBN 0-89281990-1), p. 41.

The prefrontal lobes are our most recently evolved brain area.22 This is also the last area
to develop in each individual--maturing between the ages of 15 and 25.23
Women want emotionally mature men. An emotionally mature man changes his emotions
as situations change--or to change a situation. Although his limbic brain experiences a wide
range of emotions, his higher self (his prefrontal lobes) stays constant. Such an individual
is capable of a long-term relationship.
E.g., in Roxanne (1987), a man insults Steve Martin. Martin at first shows anger at the
insult. But then he switches to humor. Martin first makes jokes about himself. Then
he switches the subject of his wit to the other man, making a crowd laugh at the man.

20 Buss, David M. Evolutionary Psychology (Allyn & Bacon, 1999, ISBN 0-205-19358-7), 121-123.
21 Chapter 24 on page 143
22 Pearce, Joseph Chilton. The Biology of Transcendence: A Blueprint Of The Human Spirit (Park Street,
2002, ISBN 0-89281990-1), 40-54.
23 Pearce, Joseph Chilton. The Biology of Transcendence: A Blueprint Of The Human Spirit (Park Street,
2002, ISBN 0-89281990-1), p. 46.

18
 Emotional Connection

The other man shows only one emotion--anger--in response to each of Martin's changing
emotions.
Imagine that your emotions are like a car with a standard transmission. To shift from
one emotion to another, you shift through neutral. In neutral, you quiet one emotion
before shifting to another emotion. When you quiet your own emotions, you can feel your
partner's emotions. Buddhists call this state egoless. Christians say selfless. When you feel
your partner's emotions, you can select the best emotion for the situation.

4.3.1 Fear Reduces Us to Reptilian Responses

You meet an attractive woman. Your cerebral cortex imagines your friends' envy if she goes
out with you.
Your limbic brain fears that she'll reject you.
Your reptilian brain wants to have sex with her.
In a conflicted brain, the older brain area wins. You're capable of having sex with her. Your
reptilian brain is perfectly functional.
Your limbic brain is warning, "Don't emotionally connect with her! You'll get hurt!" You're
unable to feel her emotional state. She seems like a beautiful statue in a museum.
You've locked out your cerebral cortex. Language is a cerebral cortex activity, so you can
only stare at her breasts and mumble incoherently.

When integrated, [the triune brain] offers us an open-ended potential; an ability to rise
and go beyond all constraint or limitation. But when that integration fails, our mind is
a house divided against itself, our behavior a paradoxical civil war--and we become our
own worst enemy.a

a Pearce, Joseph Chilton. The Biology of Transcendence: A Blueprint Of The Human Spirit (Park
Street, 2002, ISBN 0-89281990-1), p. 23.

4.3.2 Developing Awareness of Choices

Cerebral cortex activity won't get you out of an internal conflict. E.g., repeating positive
statements (affirmations) while blocking awareness of your emotional state won't help.
Instead, connect to your limbic brain. Feel your emotional state.
Slow down. When you react quickly, your brain selects myelinated or habitual responses.
Instead of going with your first reaction, pause and breathe.
Imagine your choices. Imagine alternative responses.

19
How Women Select Men

No one needs to be completely hemmed in by circumstances; no one needs to be the

victim of his biography.a

a Kelly, George. The Psychology Of Personal Constructs, (Routledge, 1955, ISBN 0415037980).

Think through your general fear to specific fears. E.g., you fear that she'll say that you're
too old for her. Imagine different responses you could make to that rejection: When Hugh
Hefner first asked Barbi Benton out, she said, "Well, I've, uh, never dated anyone over 23
before." Hef responded without hesitation, "That's okay. Neither have I."24
You'll no longer feel fear. What seemed like an insurmountable problem now looks like a
variety of choices, each leading to a positive conclusion.
Imagining different possible futures is a cerebral cortex activity. Feeling emotions is a limbic
brain activity. Imagining your emotions in various scenarios connects your cerebral cortex
and limbic brain. You unblock your internal conflicts.

4.3.3 Play a Game

When an unexpected event upsets you, the problem isn't the event. The problem is that
you don't know how to respond. When you're upset you fail to see positive opportunities.
You see only that your plans are blocked. Instead, stay flexible and look for opportunities
in unexpected events.
E.g., a man sees a woman sitting in a bar booth. He walks over, bends down to talk to
her, and bonks his head on a lampshade hanging over the table. Momentarily stunned, he
stands there while the lampshade swings back and bonks his head a second time.
He says, "Excuse me. Let me do this again." He returns to his bar stool. He comes back to
the woman, puts his hand calmly on the lampshade, bends down, and introduces himself.
This happened to one of my friends. He and the woman dated for several months.
He managed his fear by playing a game. Play boosts emotional experience, and develops
relationships with other individuals.
Children play obvious games. Adults play subtle games. Let's make my friend's game more
obvious:
Shift to a pretend world.
He said, in effect, "I'm going to pretend to meet you." In pretend worlds we're less afraid
of showing emotions.
Focus on a bipolar construct.
Psychologists call a pair of opposite ideas a bipolar construct. A literature major would
say irony. Whatever you call it, when an individual does two, opposite things at the same
time, we laugh. In this game, the bipolar construct was being cool vs. being clumsy.

24 Perkins, Michael. "The Young and the Rest," Screw, January 1989.

20
 Emotional Connection

Exaggerate emotions.
If my friend had played the game to entertain a child, he would've amplified his emotions.
E.g., he returns to his bar stool. Then he pretends to see the woman for the first time.
His eyes pop open and his jaw drops. His hand shakes and he nearly spills his beer in his
lap. He exaggerates preening in the bar mirror, then swaggers over.
Repeat the game
If he were playing the game to entertain a child, he'd bonk his head on the lampshade--
three times. Then he'd repeat the skit. He could repeat it thirty times and the child would
laugh every time.
Exchange roles.
If he were entertaining a child, he'd trade places with the child. The child would pretend
to be clumsy Joe Cool.
Make your game physical and unstructured.
Children play physical, unstructured, non-competitive games. Adults play abstract, non-
physical, structured, competitive games, e.g., spectator sports, casino gambling, ballroom
dancing, and board games. My friend's game was physical (bonking his head on the
lampshade) and unstructured (he didn't hand out a sheet of rules).
Schedule playtime.
For your next party, tell your guests that the first hour will be games, e.g., Twister.

4.3.4 Laugh to Connect Your Limbic Brain and Cerebral Cortex

Only humans laugh. Other animals express emotions as they occur. Our emotional regula-
tion stops us from suddenly expressing unexpected emotions.
Our cerebral cortex sends emotions it doesn't know how to regulate to our speech area,
and we laugh. We associate laughter with humor because humor is always unexpected.
But humor isn't one emotion. Humor is any emotion we can't regulate. Because different
individuals regulate different emotions well or poorly, different individuals laugh at different
events.
A sense of humor attracts women. Laugh in emotional situations, e.g., when you do some-
thing embarrassing. Laughing connects your limbic brain and cerebral cortex, enabling
better awareness of your emotions.

4.3.5 Reveal a Secret to Emotionally Connect

In 1957, a young man arrived in Nashville. He stuttered, but played guitar, and could sing
without stuttering.
Soon he had a job performing with Minnie Pearl, the country comedienne. Pearl encouraged
him to talk on stage. He refused, afraid that the audience would laugh at his speech.
Pearl replied:

21
How Women Select Men

Let 'em laugh. Goodness gracious, laughs are hard to get and I'm sure that they're
laughing with you and not against you, Melvin.a

a Nefsky, Art. Letter from Mel Tillis, Sept. 30, 1997, http://www.nefsky.com/tillis.htm.

The singer developed humorous routines about his stuttering. Audiences laughed. His
career took off.

Word began to circulate around Nashville about this young singer from Florida who
could write songs and sing, but stuttered like hell when he tried to talk. The next thing
I knew I was being asked to be on every major television show in America.a

a Nefsky, Art. Letter from Mel Tillis, Sept. 30, 1997, http://www.nefsky.com/tillis.htm.

Don't be afraid to share a secret. Women share secrets with girlfriends to emotionally
connect (see Women's Support Circles25 ). But don't whine about your problems. Instead,
talk confidently about a secret to show that you've turned a weakness into strength.

4.4 Entertainment Skills

Entertainment expresses emotions. Effective entertainers emotionally connect with their

audiences.
Entertainment integrates limbic brain emotions with cerebral cortex imagination. When an
entertainer expresses an old emotion in a new way, we applaud.
Other animals do the same mating rituals generation after generation. E.g., peahens never
get bored watching peacocks show off their tail feathers. Like peahens, older women enjoy
300-year-old operas. But young women want only new music, the latest clothes, and the
coolest actors. Their greatest put-down is "that's so ten minutes ago."

Mankind might well be a tool-making and tool-using species, but nothing so separates
us from the lower animals than our almost comic enthusiasm for the new, new thing.a

a Schultz, Nick. "New Machines--New Dreams and New Worries," The Wall Street Journal, February
27, 2002, p. A18.

Effective entertainers have integrated brains. Conversely, to improve your brain integration,
develop your entertainment skills.
Entertaining men attract women. When a man's performance makes a woman feel emo-
tionally connected, her limbic brain tells her that she's in a long-term relationship with
him.
A woman with an integrated brain responds, "I want a long-term relationship with this
man. I'll buy his CDs (or watch his movies). I'll feel as if I've known him for years."

25 Chapter 9.2 on page 67

22
 Entertainment Skills

A woman with a poorly integrated brain might try to have a physical relationship with the
man, even though her cerebral cortex tells her that he'll never commit to a relationship
with her. In a conflicted brain, the older area wins.
Entertainment skills can make women ignore a man's faults. E.g., Woody Allen's sense of
humor attracts women, even though he's small, scrawny, and married his stepdaughter.26
(At least he's a family man.)

4.4.1 Women's Entertainment Skills

Male entertainers, in general, have both male and female fans. Female entertainers, until
recently, had only female fans, and had fewer fans than male entertainers. E.g., your local
ballet company has fewer fans than your professional basketball team.
Masculine individuals (generally, but not always, men) use entertainment skills to attract
sexual partners. Feminine individuals (generally, but not always, women) use entertainment
skills to keep a partner in a long-term relationship.
E.g., a woman who makes her husband laugh each day, and makes his heart ache when she
sings lullabies to their children, has a husband who's not going to leave her.
Legendary King Shahryar took a new woman to bed each night, and then killed each woman
in the morning. One woman saved herself by telling a story with a cliffhanger ending.
Shahrazad kept this up night after night, spinning Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves, Sinbad
the Sailor, and other stories into One Thousand and One Arabian Nights (circa A.D. 1000).

4.4.2 Truth and Lying in Art and Entertainment

Entertainment skills increase reproductive success so effectively (i.e., get women to have sex
with men, and get men to stay with women) that sexual selection for entertainment skills
may have driven our ancestors to evolve larger cerebral cortexes.27
Art and entertainment are lies, from the point of view of the liar. E.g., when an actor playing
Hamlet says that he's going to kill his stepfather, the actor isn't threatening his stepfather's
life. A painter creates an image that looks real, but isn't. A poem makes us visualize a
scene we don't see. Novels and movies take us into worlds we've never experienced.
But art and entertainment are truthful, from the point of view of the audience. Effective
artists and entertainers communicate emotions that "strike a chord" in the listener or viewer.
They tell the truth not about themselves--e.g., you don't want to know that an actor is afraid
of forgetting his lines, or is hoping that a movie producer might be in the audience and offer
him a better-paying job--but instead quiet their own emotions and emote the audience's
feelings.<

26 Soon-Yi Previn is the adopted sister of Woody Allen’s biological son Satchel (now Seamus) Farrow.
Westbrook, Bryan. "Frequently Asked Questions About Woody Allen," http://www.geocities.com/
~madcap/Woody/index.html
27 Miller, Geoffrey F. The Mating Mind: How Sexual Choice Shaped the Evolution of Human Nature (Dou-
bleday, 2000, ISBN 0385495161).

23
How Women Select Men

4.4.3 Religion and Evolution

Art, entertainment, religion, and reproductive success are entwined. Religious men and
women sing in church or synagogue, dramatically recite Bible stories, dance at rituals, etc.
Most societies encourage religious men, e.g., rabbis, to marry and produce large families.
Men prefer to marry religious women, because they're more likely to be sexually faithful.
Our ancestors' sexual preference for partners with deeply moving emotional skills may have
driven them to evolve brains capable of spiritual thought. I.e., evolution enabled humans
to think spirituality, and, conversely, spiritual thinking may have driven human evolution.

4.4.4 Consumerism as Runaway Sexual Selection

For our ancestral fathers, entertainment was "do it yourself." Dinner was killing and roasting
an animal. After dinner, they played music, danced, or told epics of their heroes.

Now consider what happens in modern courtship. We take our dates to restaurants where
we pay professional chefs to cook them great food, or to dance clubs where professional
musicians excite their auditory systems, or to films where professional actors entertain
them with vicarious adventures. The chefs, musicians, and actors do not actually have
sex with our dates. They just get paid. We get the sex if the date goes well. Of course,
we still have to talk in modern courtship, and we still have to look reasonably good. But
the market economy shifts much of the courtship effort from us to professionals. To pay
the professionals, we have to make money, which means getting a job. The better our
education, the better our job, the more money we make, and the better the vicarious
courtship we can afford. Consumerism turns the tables on ancestral patterns of human
courtship.a

a Miller, Geoffrey F. The Mating Mind: How Sexual Choice Shaped the Evolution of Human Nature
(Doubleday, 2000, ISBN 0385495161), 188.

I can't stand dinner and a movie.a

a Schultz, Julia. "Centerfolds On Sex," Playboy, May 2001, p. 121.

Onstage, I make love to 25,000 people--then I go home alone.a

a http://www.janisjoplin.net/kozmic/quotes.html

Consumerism hotwires our brains' relationship circuits. Cars, shopping malls, television,
and Julia Schultz's Playboy poses hit these neural circuits.
Women are especially susceptible to consumerism. E.g., on eBay, women described 11% of
their shoes as "sexy." Men described only 0.005% of their shoes as "sexy."
Consumerism makes us work longer hours to buy more stuff for our mates. Women have less
time to exercise and look attractive. Men have less time to practice entertainment skills.
Couples have less time together.

24
 Entertainment Skills

The effects of consumerism range from environmental destruction to anti-American hatred.

Runaway consumerism--not war, crime, or disease--is the greatest threat to human survival.
Focus on relationships, not buying stuff. You'll be happier and your grandchildren will have
a planet to live on.

25
5 How Men Select Women

5.1 Youth

You have the most marvelous youth, and youth is the one thing worth having. Someday
when you are old and wrinkled and ugly, when thought has seared your forehead with
its lines and passion branded your lips with its hideous fires, you will feel it. You will
feel it terribly. Now, wherever you go you charm the world. Will it always be so? You
have a wonderfully beautiful face, Mr. Gray. And beauty is a form of genius-is higher,
indeed, than genius, as it needs no explanation. It is one of the great facts of the world,
like sunlight or springtime or the reflection in dark waters of that silver shell we call the
Moon. It cannot be questioned. It has its divine right of sovereignty. It makes princes
of those who have it. You smile-ah, when you have lost it you won't smile. People say
sometimes that beauty is only superficial. That may be so, but at least it is not so
superficial as thought is. To me, beauty is the wonder of wonders. It is only shallow
people who do not judge by appearances. The true mystery of the world is the visible,
not the invisible.

Women with high reproductive value attract men. 19-year-old women are likely to produce
the greatest number of children--twice as many as 30-year-old women.
Teenage boys, on average, prefer girls a year older. Men in their middle twenties usually
prefer women a year or two younger. Thirty-something men prefer women 5 to 10 years
younger. Many men in their 40s and 50s prefer women 10 to 20 years younger.
In the past women of all ages up to about 45 prefer, on average, prefer a man a few years
older.1 However, this has slowly been changing. Time magazine reports that when it comes
to online dating a women is five times more likely to show interest in a man was five years
her junior that one who was five years older.2
Read more: Online Dating: Women Want Younger Men | TIME.com http://healthland.
time.com/2013/06/13/online-dating-women-want-younger-men/#ixzz2tyX4sQ94
These statistical findings are broad generalizations and many exceptions to the rule exist.
In reality, age preferences vary widely from individual to individual, and sometimes from
one stage of life to the next. There are many women who prefer younger men and many
men who prefer older women.

1 Buss, David M. Evolutionary Psychology (Allyn & Bacon, 1999, ISBN 0-205-19358-7), 136-137.
2 http://healthland.time.com/2013/06/13/online-dating-women-want-younger-men/

27
How Men Select Women

5.1.1 Neoteny

Neoteny is the retention of juvenile characteristics into adulthood.

In other primates, e.g., chimpanzees and gorillas, both male and female adults have tough
skin, coarse body hair, Adam's apples, and deep voices. Humans, however, have character-
istics of neoteny. Some of them appear in men, but most appear in women.
Adult women, for example, usually have higher voices like children.3 Men and women agree
that attractive women have the large eyes and lips and small noses and chins of children.
Attractive women's faces have the proportions of 11-to-14-year-old children.4
Women further neoteny by using cosmetics, shaving their legs, and wearing children's cloth-
ing, e.g., Mary Jane shoes.
However, attraction of men toward pre-pubescent girls has no reproductive value. Mature
women have features that distinguish them from pre-pubescent girls, yet are different from
men. These secondary sexual characteristics include prominent breasts, clearly defined
waists, and full hips. They reflect sexual maturity and fertility, offsetting the pre-pubescence
that neotenous characteristics could otherwise suggest.
Children's long dependency on their fathers is associated with neoteny. Fatherless children-
-a million years ago or today--were less likely to learn adult skills, inherit social status, and
reproduce. Women who appeared young and remained strong were able to keep a man for
twenty years, instead of losing him to a younger woman. A young-looking widow could
find a second husband, whereas an older-looking counterpart of the same chronological age
might not.5 Some statistical extrapolations suggest that someone is more likely to stay
with one partner, the longer the partner continues to appear young. A hypothesis has been
given to suggest that children with mothers who retain youthful characteristics were more
likely to have both parents throughout their childhood, and grow up to reproduce and have
descendants. Parents with neotenous characteristics would pass them on to their offspring.
E.g., a mother who has certain features that cause her to look younger than other women
her age is likely to have daughters having that appearance as well.

5.2 Beauty

Many beauty standards are universal across cultures. People around the world have 91-94%
agreement about the facial attractiveness of Asian, Hispanic, black, and white women. Even
native people unexposed to mass media agree with the rest of the world.
Infants gaze longer and show more pleasure when looking at pictures of attractive male and
female faces. One-year-olds play longer with facially attractive dolls than with unattractive
dolls.6

3 Brin, David. "Neoteny and Two-Way Sexual Selection in Human Evolution."

4 Rhodes, G. Hickford, C., Jeffrey, L. Sex-typicality and attractiveness: ); Johnson, V.S., Franklin, M. "Is
Beauty in the Eye of the Beholder?" Ethology and Sociobiology 14 (1993): 183-199.
5 Brin, David. "Neoteny and Two-Way Sexual Selection in Human Evolution."
6 Buss, David M. Evolutionary Psychology (Allyn & Bacon, 1999, ISBN 0-205-19358-7), p. 140.

28
 Beauty

Beauty standards are cues to a woman's health: clear, smooth skin; full, lustrous hair; full
lips; bright eyes; and symmetrical features.
Composite faces, made by combining many photographs on a computer, are more attractive
than any individual face. Beauty is "average" looks, not unusual or "striking" features.
Men, in general, don't judge women as being fat or thin. Rather, men tend to consider
women with a 70% waist-to-hip ratio to be beautiful. E.g., a woman with a 21-inch waist
and 30-inch hips, a woman with a 24-inch waist and 35-inch hips, and a woman with a 28-
inch waist and 40-inch hips are equally attractive.7 The 70% or higher waist-to-hip ratio,
and the Golden ratio (62% waist-height-to-total-height ratio) indicate health and fertility.
The golden ratio also plays a role in facial beauty. The distance from hairline to the tip of
the nose, divided by the distance from hairline to the tip of the chin, equates to the golden
ratio (0.62) on beautiful faces. There are many other proportions in beautiful faces that
obey the golden ratio.
Beautiful faces are also average faces. In a well-known study, hundreds of photographs were
presented, together with one synthetic photograph that was the digital average of all the
other photographs. The panelists were most likely to identify the "average" photograph as
the most beautiful photograph in the entire set.

5.2.1 Cultural Beauty Standards

Some beauty preferences vary between cultures, e.g., light or dark skin.
When a society experiences rapid change, it values youth and new, iconoclastic ideas. The
1920s and 1960s preferred thin, flat-chested, youthful women.
Conservative societies--e.g., the Victorian era, or the 1950s--value old ideas, and full-figured,
mature women. Large metropolitan cities such as New York value very thin women; in
contrast, small, rural towns prefer full-figured, fertile adult women. Agricultural areas
prefer tall, strong, robust, fertile women.
American women chose thinner-than-average women as the most beautiful. American men
prefer average-size women. Fashion models are thinner than porn stars.8

5.2.2 Media Effects on Beauty Standards

Our grandparents saw relatively few people. They saw even fewer beautiful people. In
contrast, today we turn on a television and see nothing but attractive people made up to
look their best, with the bad shots discarded.
Since the 1930s--the beginning of mass media--men have increased the importance of "good
looks" in a wife by 40%. Women have increased the importance of a good-looking husband

7 Singh, D. "Adaptive significance of female physical attractiveness: Role of waist-to-hip ratio," Journal of
Personality and Social Psychology, 65, 293-307.
8 Buss, David M. Evolutionary Psychology (Allyn & Bacon, 1999, ISBN 0-205-19358-7).

29
How Men Select Women

almost 80%. Women in 1996 valued "good looks" in husbands more than men in 1939
valued "good looks" in wives.9
Photos of beautiful women made men rate their wives as less attractive, and feel less com-
mitted to their marriages, compared to men who looked at photos of "average" women.10
The media also affects men. Performers such as Jerry Seinfeld raise expectations of men's
entertainment skills. As media images make women feel inadequately attractive, media
entertainers make men feel inadequately entertaining. These men give up and say that
they can't dance, sing, or tell jokes. The positive side is less competition for men who try
to entertain women. Older men have an advantage here over younger men. Many young
women have never had a man make them laugh, lead them on the dance floor, or play
Chopin for an audience of one.

5.2.3 Beautiful Young Women Don't Have It Easy

For beautiful young women, the problem is sorting the wheat from the chaff. Finding a
quality mate is no easier for them than for anyone else. They spend as much effort rejecting
the wrong men as others spend finding men.
In the animal world, females initiate 80% of matings (see ../Flirting/11 ). Males who initiate
mating are the males that no female will approach. Men who approach women pick young,
beautiful women. Thus, beautiful young women meet more than their share of losers.
If women are too attractive, men stay in their cerebral cortexes. They'll date beautiful
women to feel envy from their male friends. They have no reason to shift into their limbic
brains and emotionally connect. When men are jerks and women are shallow, they're stuck
in their cerebral cortexes.
Putting effort into clothes and make-up will get you more dates, but impair men's vision of
your inner beauty, and attract the "wrong" kind of men (those who don't look deeper than
the level of physical appearance). The ideal is to look nice, but don't overdo it. If you're
getting many dates but aren't meeting quality men, work on improving yourself, not your
wardrobe.
Encourage self-selection of potential mates. Tell suitors that you can't go out on a date,
but they're welcome to join you volunteering, e.g., with Habitat For Humanity. The few
men who show up to work are the ones worth dating.

5.3 Education and Employment

Education, employment, and relationships are problematic for women. On the one hand,
school and work are the most common places where couples meet (see ../Where Couples
Met/12 ). Women who go to college and choose a professional career are more likely to meet

9 Buss, David M. Evolutionary Psychology (Allyn & Bacon, 1999, ISBN 0-205-19358-7), p. 145.
10 Buss, David M. Evolutionary Psychology (Allyn & Bacon, 1999, ISBN 0-205-19358-7), p. 154.
11 Chapter 17 on page 103
12 Chapter 16 on page 97

30
 Emotional Connection

men (especially if they choose traditionally male fields, e.g., science). And men prefer to
marry women with good educations and good jobs.13
On the other hand, career women sometimes must sacrifice relationships. E.g., a job may
require moving to a new city. Women who choose professional careers postpone marriage
until they're out of college and have started their careers--by which time they find that
many of their male classmates and co-workers are married.
Conversely, women whose primary goal is to be a mother are least likely to meet men. Such
women forego higher education and professional careers. E.g., a woman who loves children
may seek employment in childcare--where she works with other women.

5.4 Emotional Connection

Emotional connection makes women want sex. Emotional connection makes men want
long-term relationships.
Emotional connection makes men and women switch gender roles (see Becoming a Couple14 ).
Individuals who use masculine sexuality (usually, but not always, men) want to have sex with
many partners. Individuals who use feminine sexuality (usually, but not always, women)
want long-term committed relationships. Emotional connection makes women switch to
masculine sexuality, and makes men switch to feminine sexuality.
A man using masculine sexuality shows off his social status, physique, and money to attract
women's attention. But that's all stereotyped gender roles can do (attract attention). Once
he has a woman's attention, she'll look for relationship skills, entertainment skills (e.g., a
sense of humor), and, above all, the emotional connection of "chemistry."
A woman using feminine sexuality shows off her youth and beauty to attract men's attention.
But that's all her stereotyped gender role can do. If they don't emotionally connect, he'll
date her only as long as he thinks he might get to have sex.

5.4.1 Be Seen in Different Venues

Make your suitor feel emotionally connected by letting him see you in a variety of situations.
E.g., volunteer with a non-profit organization, take a continuing education class, and par-
ticipate in a new sport. When a man approaches you in one venue, invite him to do the
other activities with you. If you met him in a business computers night class, suggest that
he join you volunteering with Habitat For Humanity on Saturday, or at a rock climbing
class on Sunday.
He'll see you using a variety of emotions. You may be confident and professional in the
business computers class, caring and nurturing with the non-profit organization, and scared-
-then triumphant--climbing a cliff.

13 Lloyd, K.M., South, S.J. "Contextual Influences on Young Men's Transition to First Marriage," Social
Forces, 74 (1996): 1097-1119.
14 Chapter 21 on page 129

31
6 How Our Ancestors Lived

If human existence were as long as two copies of this book, for all but the last page of the
second book--10,000 years--humans lived in small bands of hunter-gatherers. Archaeologists
call this era the Paleolithic, or "early Stone Age."

6.1 Idyllic Lifestyle

The hunter-gatherer lifestyle is better than the agricultural lifestyle in many ways. Hunter-
gatherers moved around. They saw new vistas and ate different foods. Most appealing,
they met other groups of people. In contrast, farmers are stuck in one place all their lives.
Hunter-gatherer diets were nutritious. They ate a wide variety of meat, fish, and plants.
For example, the Yupic natives of coastal Alaska ate more than thirty species of mammals,
birds, fish, and shellfish.1 Starvation wasn't an issue in places with multiple food sources.
In contrast, agricultural diets are mostly corn, potatoes, wheat, or rice. These starchy foods
lack protein, vitamins, and minerals. Better diets made our hunter-gatherer ancestors bigger
(with bigger brains) than many modern people.
Men enjoyed hunting. They skillfully crafted weapons. They roamed far from home. They
used intelligence to find animals. They used speed and strength to kill.
Women enjoyed socializing while gathering plants, snaring small game, and preparing food.
Their children played around them, or stayed in camp with their elderly relatives.
Hunter-gatherers had many hours of leisure. Climates that required minimal shelter and
clothing had little of the "housework" of our culture. In harsh climates, people could do
little in the winter or during storms.
Small populations lived in large areas. Contagious diseases were unlikely to spread. Chang-
ing camps--before waste accumulated--stopped endemic diseases.
Many cultures describe their ancestors as coming from an idyllic Garden of Eden or "land
of milk and honey." These ancestral memories may be true.2
The Roman Cornelius Tacitus described a hunter-gatherer tribe in first-century Lithuania,
as

1 Kehoe, Alice B. North American Indians: A Comprehensive Account, 2nd Edition (Prentice Hall, 1992,
ISBN 0-13-624362-2).
2 Ehrenberg, Margaret. Women in Prehistory (Univ of Oklahoma, 1989, ISBN 0806122374), p. 62.

33
How Our Ancestors Lived

astonishingly savage and disgustingly poor. They have no proper weapons, no horses,
no homes. They eat wild herbs....The women support themselves by hunting, exactly
like the men....Yet they count their lot happier than that of others who groan over field
labor.a

a Tacitus, Cornelius. The Agricola and the Germania (Viking, 1971, ISBN 0140442413), 46.

People continue to live as hunter-gatherers in northern Canada, the Australian outback, and
central Africa. Contemporary hunter-gatherers live only on land that no one else wants,
e.g., deserts, jungles, or frozen tundra. Their lives are difficult not because they're hunter-
gatherers, but because they live on the worst land. 10,000 years ago, our ancestors lived
good lives on abundant, temperate lands. Italic text

6.2 Egalitarian Groups

Hunter-gatherers were egalitarian. A large animal has more meat than one family can
eat. A hunter loses nothing by giving away the extra meat to other families. When the
hunter comes home empty-handed, he can expect other men to share their kills. Because
hunter-gatherers can't store meat, they measure wealth by social connections.3
Hunter-gatherers couldn't accumulate wealth. They couldn't store food. They didn't build
permanent houses. Each person owned only what he could carry.
With nothing to steal, violence was minimal and warfare nonexistent.
Men and women were equally responsible for producing food. They had equal status in
hunter-gatherer societies. Hunter-gatherer societies have fixed gender roles, but everyone
learns all basic skills for survival.
Each individual had equal opportunities to speak to the group. Each individual made his
own decisions. A band that disagreed about a decision could split into two groups.4
Older people were libraries of knowledge, before the invention of writing. A band with an
old woman might survive a flood or a drought, because she remembered what people did
when a similar disaster happened decades earlier.
Children learned by observing adults, not through rote learning. Adults raised children
to think independently. Children had to survive in case of disaster or separation from
the group. Because hunter-gatherers live in small bands, boys and girls play together and
behave more alike than children in larger societies.5

3 Ridley, Matt. The Red Queen (Penguin, 1995, ISBN 0140245480).

4 Ehrenberg, Margaret. Women in Prehistory (Univ of Oklahoma, 1989, ISBN 0806122374), p. 65.
5 Harris, Judith Rich. The Nurture Assumption (Touchstone Books, 1998, ISBN 0684857073), p. 236.

34
 Limited Polygyny

6.3 Limited Polygyny

Most hunter-gatherers were monogamous. Most hunters could provide only enough meat
for one wife and her children. The best hunters could support two wives (polygyny).
Tacitus described a Neolithic (late Stone Age) German tribe as having

One wife apiece--all of them except a very few who take more than one not to satisfy
their desires, but because their exalted rank brings many pressing offers of matrimo-
nial alliances. The dowry is brought by husband to wife...gifts [such as] oxen, a horse
and bridle, or a shield, spear and sword...she in turn brings a present of arms to her
husband. The woman must not think that she is excluded from aspirations to manly
virtues or exempt from the hazards of warfare. She enters her husband's home to be the
partner of his toils and perils, that both in peace and war she is to share his sufferings
and adventures. Clandestine love-letters are unknown to men and women alike. Adul-
tery is extremely rare. Girls too are not hurried into marriage. As old and full-grown
as the men they match their mates in age and strength.a

a Tacitus, Cornelius. The Agricola and the Germania (Viking, 1971, ISBN 0140442413), 18-20.

6.4 Were Our Ancestors Monogamous or Polygamous?

Biological and anthropological evidence suggests that our ancestral mothers were mildly
polyandrous, i.e., women had more than one male sexual partner per birth.
Female gorillas are monogamous. Gorilla testes are one-quarter of the size of human testes
(adjusted for body size). In contrast, female chimpanzees average 13 male sex partners
per birth. Chimpanzee testes are three times the size of human testes (adjusted for body
size). The size of human testes suggests that our ancestral mothers had several male sexual
partners per birth.
As noted6 , the Aché hunter-gatherers are moderately polyandrous, with each child having,
on average, 2.1 possible fathers.7
Biological and anthropological evidence also suggests that our ancestors were mildly polyg-
ynous, i.e., that men fathered children with more than one woman. In polygynous species,
e.g., gorillas, males are bigger than females (sexual dimorphism). Males that win fights
with other males mate with several females. Male gorillas are twice the size of females.
In contrast, among monogamous species, e.g., gibbons, small males breed as often as large
males. Gibbon males and females are the same size.
Men are somewhat larger than women, suggesting mild polygyny. This biological and
anthropological evidence for polyandry and polygyny suggest that our ancestors were mod-

6 Chapter 4.1.1 on page 14

7 Diamond, Jared. Why Is Sex Fun? (BasicBooks, 1997), p.98.

35
How Our Ancestors Lived

erately polygamous (men with more than one woman and women with more than one
man).8

6.5 Agricultural Societies

Agriculture started about 10,000 years ago. Women planted wild wheat and barley seeds
near their camps, so they wouldn't have to walk far to collect grain. But someone had to
stay and protect the crops from animals and other people. At first, elderly individuals did
this. They spent their time making pottery containers to store grain.
Hunter-gatherer women could carry only one child. They spaced children about four years
apart, because a four-year-old could walk all day. Women married as adults, strong enough
to carry a child.
In contrast, agricultural women didn't have to carry their children everywhere. They spaced
children a year or two apart, producing larger families. Teenage girls married and repro-
duced before they were full-grown.
Agriculture and bigger families caused a vicious circle of increased food, but also increased
population.9 More labor had to go into working the fields, to produce enough food to feed
everyone. More men had to farm. Fewer men hunted.
Individuals in agricultural societies became specialized. Some individuals did nothing but
make pottery. Others became blacksmiths, shepherds, or soldiers. Specialization increased
productivity, but population increases kept pace. Successive generations didn't live better.

6.5.1 Animal Husbandry and the Origins of Wealth

Farmers owned land. Some land was better than other land. Farmers owned plows and
other tools for farming. They owned pottery and buildings for storing food. They built
permanent houses, living in one place for generations.
Domesticated animals became an additional source of wealth. Dogs and pigs first came
into camps to eat garbage. Children raised baby animals after hunters killed the animals'
mothers. Farmers first raised domesticated animals for meat. Over time, men figured out
how to harness large animals to plow fields, and to produce milk and wool.10
A man who owned a pair of sheep, cattle, or hogs soon had more livestock. A shepherd can
watch one hundred sheep as easily as he can watch ten sheep. Economies of scale become
possible. Some men became rich--and poor men became their slaves.11
Livestock made violence a profitable way of life. Stealing cattle was easy, especially for men
skilled as hunters. For the first time, people owned a resource worth stealing. Cattle raids
led to killing people, which led to warfare.12

8 Buss, David M. Evolutionary Psychology (Allyn & Bacon, 1999, ISBN 0-205-19358-7), p. 90.
9 Ehrenberg, Margaret. Women in Prehistory (Univ of Oklahoma , 1989, ISBN 0806122374), p. 89.
10 Ehrenberg, Margaret. Women in Prehistory (Univ of Oklahoma , 1989, ISBN 0806122374), p. 81.
11 Ridley, Matt. The Red Queen (Penguin, 1995, ISBN 0140245480).
12 Ehrenberg, Margaret. Women in Prehistory (Univ of Oklahoma , 1989, ISBN 0806122374), p. 105.

36
 Agricultural Societies

6.5.2 Marriage and Divorce

Wealthy men supported larger families. Their wives spent more time producing children,
and less time working outside the home. High-status men in agricultural societies had
dozens or even hundreds of wives. Because high-status men had so many wives, many
subordinate males had no wives or children.
Hunter-gatherer societies accepted divorce. Because individuals own only what they can
carry, it's easy to split up. Divorce was economically impossible for farmers. A couple with
fields, a house, and a barn couldn't divide the property in half. The individual who wanted
out of the marriage had to leave empty-handed.13
Many immigrants to the United States and its western frontier were men leaving their
marriages and land, looking for new land and new marriages.14

6.5.3 Negative Patterns

By the Neolithic era, we see the negative patterns of our own culture:
• A few wealthy, powerful men.
• Many poor, powerless men.
• Women valued for their ability to produce children, not for their minds.
• Women confined to their homes.
• Teenage girls marrying before reaching physical and intellectual maturity.
• Malnourishment in the best of times. Corn, wheat, potatoes, etc. don't provide balanced
nutrition. Starvation in years of drought, flood, insects, etc.
• Many people living in close quarters spread diseases.
• Shorter lifespans, due to malnutrition and disease.
• Long hours of specialized, repetitive, mind-numbing work.
• War with neighboring tribes.
• Violence between bachelor men.
• Children disciplined into obedience, punished for independent thinking, and rewarded for
working quietly in a group.
• Lack of support for teenagers' needs to feel that they are unique, special individuals.
Punishment of teenagers who assert their individuality.
• Old women became useless and disrespected, as books replaced them as sources of knowl-
edge.
• Poor self-esteem. It's easier to make people work like slaves if they believe they're slaves.
A philosopher observed, "The remarkable thing isn't that some men are slaves. The
remarkable thing is that some men believe that they're slaves."15
Hunter-gatherer societies encouraged some individuals to develop transcendent abilities,
e.g., prescience, communication with a spirit world, or physical feats such as firewalking.

13 Fisher, Helen. Anatomy of Love: A Natural History of Mating, Marriage, and Why We Stray (Fawcett
Books, 1995, ISBN 0449908976), p. 106.
14 "California Stories," To The Best of Our Knowledge, Wisconsin Public Radio, January 2001.
15 I recall that as a quote from Aristotle in one of Charles Van Riper's books. But I searched Aristotle and
was unable to find the quote.

37
How Our Ancestors Lived

Speculatively, transcendent abilities could develop in the pre-frontal lobes of the cerebral
cortex. Only humans have pre-frontal lobes. This is the most recent brain area to evolve,
and, between the ages 15 to 21, the last to develop in each individual (see Emotional
Connection16 ). A young person who receives support and guidance from a mentor to develop
transcendent experiences might develop pre-frontal lobe capabilities that would otherwise be
lost. The institutional religions of the agricultural era may have set back brain evolution.17

6.5.4 Cities and Civilization

Cities developed about 5,000 years ago. Civilization increased social stratification--i.e., the
rich became richer, and the poor became poorer.
Village leaders became warlords, then kings, then emperors. Military organizations domi-
nated regions, instead of occasionally raiding a neighboring village.
When primate brain size is compared to the number of animals in social groups, and then
extrapolated to human brain size, humans appear to be hardwired for living in groups of
about 155 individuals. If we live in a larger community, we put people into groups instead
of thinking of them as individuals. I.e., communities of less than 155 individuals don't have
"us and them" thinking.
On the positive side, civilization enabled new ideas to spread faster. New ideas breed more
new ideas. Competitive individuals try to outsmart each other--making everyone smarter.

A critical mass of people with such knowledge can multiply growth still further-essentially
by creating knowledge clusters in which generally like-minded people bounce ideas off
each other and compete. This dynamic is one reason why incomes are higher in cities
than in rural areas and why nations that are already technologically advanced will
quickly become more so.a

a Bartlett, Bruce, reviewing The Elusive Quest for Growth by William Easterly ((MIT Press, 2001,
ISBN 026205065X), The Wall Street Journal, July 18, 2001.

6.6 Industrial-Information Society

We're living in a third era. The Industrial-Information Age began in 1437, when Johannes
Gutenberg invented the printing press.
Better information enabled technological advances--and, in a virtuous circle, technological
advances produced better information.
Improved communication enabled oppressed peoples to organize themselves against auto-
cratic rulers. Examples of liberation movements range from the American (1775-1783) and

16 http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/How%20Women%20Select%20Men%23Emotional%20Connection
17 Pearce, Joseph Chilton. The Biology of Transcendence: A Blueprint Of The Human Spirit (Park Street,
2002, ISBN 0-89281990-1).

38
 Industrial-Information Society

French Revolutions (1789-1795) to the civil rights movement of the 1960s and the women's
movement of the 1970s.

6.6.1 Democracy vs. Women

Democratic revolutionaries replaced aristocracy. The Declaration of Independence, written

by Thomas Jefferson, stated, "all men are created equal."18 Jefferson intentionally excluded
women.

This new United States government was going to be the opposite of a court. All of the
things that are features of court life--like kings, and absolute power, and courtiers, and
the interplay of personal interests, and face-to-face politicking, and influential women--all
of those things became anathema to the founders of this brand-new republic. Thomas
Jefferson, who had been an ambassador in France, had particularly seen those court
women ruling and having control over all kinds of official business, and he loathed it.a

a Allgor, Catherine. Parlor Politics: In Which the Ladies of Washington Help Build a City and a
Government (Univ Pr Virginia, 2000, ISBN 08139199832000).

Instead, Jefferson envisioned an open government, with no behind-the-scenes politicking--

and no women.19
The revolutionaries took power from the old rulers--the few powerful men, and most women.
They gave power to the powerless--the majority of men. The United States didn't allow
women to vote until 1920. Switzerland gave women the vote in 1970. Women aren't allowed
to vote today in Saudi Arabia.

6.6.2 Hunter-Gatherer Values in the Industrial-Information Age

The industrial-information age enables us to return to our hunter-gatherer instincts.

In hunter-gatherer groups, everyone was economically equal. No individual owned more
than he could carry. Today, poor Americans enjoy the standard of living--as measured by
cars, televisions, air conditioners, etc.--that the middle-class enjoyed a generation ago.20
Hunter-gatherer groups had minimal violence. Violent crime is dropping in the United
States. Fewer international conflicts occur. By 2100, violence and war may be rare.
In hunter-gatherer groups, men and women had equal status. Women's rights are among
the achievements of the past 30 years.
Hunter-gatherers were mildly polygamous. We practice mild polygamy in the form of "serial
monogamy." Like hunter-gatherers, we allow divorce.

18 http://www.nara.gov/exhall/charters/declaration/declaration.html
19 Allgor, Catherine. Parlor Politics: In Which the Ladies of Washington Help Build a City and a Government
(Univ Pr Virginia, 2000, ISBN 08139199832000).
20 Cox, M., Alm, R. Myths of Rich & Poor (Basic Books, 1999, ISBN 046504784X). The Internet is turning
scarcity-based economic rules upside-down, suggesting that Information Age economics will be based on
abundance. See Managing Open Source Projects, by Jan Sandred.

39
How Our Ancestors Lived

Hunter-gatherers enjoyed seeing new scenery and meeting new people. Today, working class
men and women admire long-distance truckers. Professional class men and women enjoy
travel to "unspoiled" third-world countries. We all increasingly appreciate social diversity
and the natural environment.

6.6.3 Delayed Reproduction to Reduce Overpopulation

According to some writers, men should have their sperm frozen before 35, and wait until
40 or 45 to start a family, and women should wait until 30.
Older couples have the maturity for long-term committed relationships. They are more
likely to have the emotional maturity to raise children.
Providing that economic conditions are good nationally, older couples have accumulated
wealth. At least one parent doesn't have to work.
Couples that marry later are less likely to divorce. Delayed reproduction slows population
growth. If a 40-year-old couple have two children, and the parents live to 76, net population
growth is zero. In contrast, a 19-year-old couple with two children increases the population
seven-fold--when such a couple dies, two children, four grandchildren, and eight great-
grandchildren replace them.

6.6.4 Effects of Television on Children's Brain Development

Before television, children listened to adults telling stories. Imagining a story stimulated
a child's cerebral cortex. Vicariously feeling the adult's emotions stimulated the child's
limbic brain. Acting out a story (a central activity in Waldorf schools) integrates the
reptilian brain, limbic brain, and cerebral cortex.
In contrast, television provides visual and auditory stimulation, leaving nothing for the child
to imagine. Children become emotionally attached to television actors, but the emotions
are one-way (i.e., the actors don't love the children). Sitting still doesn't develop a child's
reptilian brain.
One hundred years ago, doctors espousing the new germ theory of disease told mothers not
to touch their infants. Fifty years ago, doctors told mothers not to breastfeed. Many of
these infants died. The surviving infants didn't receive the emotional relationships needed
for limbic brain development.21 To future generations, allowing children to watch television
may seem as barbaric as not allowing mothers to touch or feed their infants.22

21 S. Provence and R.C. Lupton, Infants in Institutions (New York: International Universities Press, 1962).
22 Pearce, Joseph Chilton. Evolution's End: Claiming the Potential of Our Intelligence (Harper San Fran-
cisco, 1992, ISBN 0-06-250732-X).

40
7 Monogamy and Polygamy

Judging from the social habits of man as he now exists, and from most savages being
polygamists, the most probable view is that primeval man aboriginally lived in small
communities, each with as many wives as he could support and obtain, whom he would
have jealously guarded against all other men.a

a Darwin, Charles. The Descent of Man (Prometheus, 1871, ISBN 1573921769), http://www.
literature.org/authors/darwin-charles/the-descent-of-man/.

About 78% of human societies are polygynous, in which some men marry more than one
wife.1 Only 22% of societies are strictly monogamous. Almost no modern societies are
polyandrous, in which one woman marries several husbands (although such societies have
existed historically in the Canary Islands, the Himalayas, the Canadian Arctic, and possibly
other places). Only 3% of mammal species in general are monogamous, although at least
15% of primate species are.2

In historical terms, it is monogamy that is in need of explanation, not polygamy.a

a Bennion, Janet. Women of Principle: Female Networking in Contemporary Mormon Polygyny (Oxford
Univ, 1998, ISBN 0195120701).

7.1 Women-Egalitarian Sisterhood

Imagine a society in which the only wealth is cattle. A village has 1000 men, 1000 women,
and 1000 cows.
The Grand Rajah has 100 wives and 100 cows. The Lieutenant Rajah has three wives and
three cows. Some men have one wife and one cow. Most men have no wife or cow.
In this society, every woman has one husband and one cow. All women are equal. Most
men suffer in this society.
In a polygynous society, the median woman is better off than the median man. The wives of
wealthy, monogamous men may object to this statement-until their husbands divorce them
for younger women.

1 Murdock, George Peter. Ethnographic Atlas.

2 Insel, T.R., Winslow, J.T., Wang, X., Young, L.J. "Oxytocin, Vasopressin, and the Neuroendocrine Basis
of Pair Bond Formation," in Vasopressin and Oxytocin: Molecular, Cellular, and Clinical Advances,
(Plenum, 1998, ISBN 0-306-45928-0), p. 217.

41
Monogamy and Polygamy

Men, on average, are better off in a monogamous society. All men have equal opportunities
for a wife and family. It's ironic that men, whose sexuality is more "polygynous" (from a
purely physiological standpoint) than women's sexuality, are the beneficiaries of monogamy.

7.2 Women's Power

In a kyriarchical society, a few powerful men subjugate everyone else (from the Greek kyrios
or dominant lord3 ). Women's preference for high-status men produced these societies. If
women believed all men to be equally attractive, human societies would be egalitarian.
In kyriarchical societies, women made most decisions. A warlord couldn't trust other men,
because they'd usurp his power. He left day-to-day decision making with his senior wives.
I.e., matriarchy and kyriarchy are closely related.
E.g., from 1981 to 1985, the Indian guru Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh (later named Osho, see
photo page 193) was the "alpha" male of his Oregon community. Rumours were that he lay
around his trailer on Valium and nitrous oxide. Seven women ran the community. These
"alpha" women poisoned 751 residents of a nearby town, in an attempt to control local
elections. No evidence indicated that the Bhagwan was involved in the attack.4

A five-year study of a polygynist religious fundamentalist community in Montana found

that women are actually drawn to the group, voluntarily -and in significant numbers-
and that men are not the key players in the management of domestic activities and
community welfare, as has always been assumed. Women are the key players.a

a Bennion, Janet. Women of Principle: Female Networking in Contemporary Mormon Polygyny (Oxford
Univ , 1998, ISBN 0195120701), p. viii.

The study concludes by "identifying female solidarity as a key to female status, satisfac-
tion, and power."5 Women are happiest and strongest when they have close, supportive
relationships with other women.

7.3 Increasing Status via Hypergamy

In polygynous societies, high-status wives had economic resources. They were physically
protected. Most important, their son might become the next Grand Rajah.

3 Schussler Fiorenza, Elisabeth. In Memory of Her: A Feminist Theological Reconstruction of Christian

Origins (Crossroad/Herder & Herder, 1994, ISBN 0824513576).
4 Gordon, James S. Golden Guru: The Strange Journey of Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh (ISBN 0828906300).
http://www.ama-assn.org/sci-pubs/sci-news/1997/snr0806.htm#joc71206
5 Bennion, Janet. Women of Principle: Female Networking in Contemporary Mormon Polygyny (Oxford
Univ , 1998, ISBN 0195120701), p. 155.

42
 Careers vs. Motherhood

E.g., the Moroccan emperor Moulay Ismail the Bloodthirsty (c. 1672) had four wives, 500
concubines, and 888 children.6 It could be said that his mother won the "genetic jackpot".
She managed to pass her genes on to 888 grandchildren.
In a society ruled by kinship (as opposed to written laws), polygyny creates alliances between
families. Marriages increase community stability.7 Recall from the last chapter why Late
Neolithic leaders were polygynous:

not to satisfy their desires, but because their exalted rank brings many pressing offers
of matrimonial alliances.a

a Tacitus, Cornelius. The Agricola and the Germania (Viking, 1971, ISBN 0140442413), 18-20.

In a class-stratified society, polygyny enables women (but not men) to move up. Attractive
young women from low-status families marry high-status men.8

Women are encouraged to practice "hypergamy," or marrying up, to...a man who
holds a high spiritual or priesthood rank [these men are usually financially better-off
too]...women in this type of system, ideally, gain a better status through marrying the
elite of the group, while men marry downward.a

a Bennion, Janet. Women of Principle: Female Networking in Contemporary Mormon Polygyny (Oxford
University Press, 1998, ISBN 0195120701), p. 35.

In polygynous societies, men pay bridewealth for wives. A wealthy man can marry as many
women as he can support. Bridewealth redistributes wealth from rich families to poor
families -or at least to poor families with attractive daughters. Bridewealth increases social
equality. Daughters are valued as potential wealth and upward mobility.
In monogamous societies, parents pay men dowry to marry their daughters. The family
buys the highest-status husband they can afford. They pay the husband to be monogamous.
Dowries increase social stratification. Rich families become richer, especially if they have
more sons than daughters. Daughters are unwanted financial and social liabilities in some
stratified societies.

7.4 Careers vs. Motherhood

In a polygynous society, one wife can focus on her career while another wife raises their
children:

6 Kehoe, Alice B. Humans: An Introduction to Four-Field Anthropology (Routledge, 1998, ISBN 0-415-
91985-1), p. 53.
7 "Political Sheik: To the West, Decoding Yemen Means Finding The Man in..." The Wall Street Journal,
01/02/2001.
8 Bennion, Janet. Women of Principle: Female Networking in Contemporary Mormon Polygyny (Oxford
University, 1998, ISBN 0195120701), p. 35.

43
Monogamy and Polygamy

As a journalist, I work many unpredictable hours in a fast-paced environment. The

news determines my schedule. But am I calling home, asking my husband to please
pick up the kids and pop something in the microwave and get them to bed on time just
in case I'm really late? Because of my plural marriage arrangement, I don't have to
worry. I know that when I have to work late my daughter will be at home surrounded
by loving adults.... My eight-year-old has never seen the inside of a day-care center, and
my husband has never eaten a TV dinner. And I know that when I get home from work,
if I'm dog-tired and stressed-out, I can be alone and guilt-free. It's a rare day when all
eight of my husband's wives are tired and stressed at the same time.a

a http://www.polygamy.com/Practical/Ultimate.htm

7.5 Men-Masters, Slaves, and Welfare Cheats

The average American FLDS polygynist man has three or four wives. Wives average eight
children. Men average 28 children.9
If a man financially supports his families (most polygynous FLDS men don't), he has to
work long hours, instead of spending time with his family.

For men...any sexual motives must surely pall after a while, as the day-to-day pressures
of plural family life cumulate-the financial burdens, the needs of large families, family
tensions and conflicts, and so on....plural family life is not especially "romantic" for
men.a

a Altman, I., Ginat, J. Polygamous Families in Contemporary Society (Cambridge University Press,
1996, ISBN 0521567319), p. 439.

If a polygynous man cares whether his four wives and 28 children get along with each other,
he has to follow almost one thousand relationships. Morality is how people relate to each
other. If a man doesn't pay attention to the relationships within his family, he doesn't care
about his family's morality.

7.6 Class Stratification

In the Montana polygynist community, one-third of the converts eventually left. Three out
of four who left were male.10 Community stratification dissatisfied these men.
To convert, men give money, land, and possessions to the community. Men have to go
through religious and character tests. After converting, men are at the bottom of the

9 Altman, I., Ginat, J. Polygamous Families in Contemporary Society (Cambridge Univ, 1996, ISBN
0521567319), 439, 462. Bennion (p. 31) also reports that the average number of wives per men as
slightly more than three.
10 Bennion, Janet. Women of Principle: Female Networking in Contemporary Mormon Polygyny (Oxford
University, 1998, ISBN 0195120701), 132-133.

44
 Incest, Child Abuse, and Wife Battering

hierarchy. The elite men-mostly the sons of the founders-get marital, financial, and religious
advantages.
Women have advantages at every stage of conversion. The community doesn't ask women
to contribute wealth. They believe that women are inherently more virtuous. Women pass
the religious tests more easily.
Women are encouraged to marry high-status men, to immediately join the community
elite. Female converts are ten times more likely to integrate into the upper class than male
converts.

7.7 Incest, Child Abuse, and Wife Battering

When a handful of men have absolute power, expect absolute corruption. Another polygy-
nous community has a reputation for incest, child abuse, and wife battering.11
In Colorado City, Arizona, men in their 40s, 50s, 60s, and even 70s barter their 15-year-old
daughters. The more girls a man gives away to his friends, the more girls he gets in return.12
These aren't relationships between consenting adults.
Warren Jeffs, the Colorado City religious leader, ordered parents not to send their children
to school:13

A child that's not in school is a child that can't tell a counselor they're being abused.a

a Greene, Susan. "Polygamy prevails in remote Ariz. town," The Denver Post, March 4, 2001, p. 1A.

Unlike the Montana community, most apostates (individuals who leave) are women.
Men often marry their stepsisters or cousins. Inbreeding, or old men's defective sperm,
produces many children with disabilities.14
Down's syndrome children are prized here for their docile nature and the fact that their
families receive $500 a month from the government for their care.
"You see these young pregnant mothers rubbing their stomachs saying, 'I hope this one's a
Down's,'" said Eunice Bateman, a former plural wife.

11 Cart, Julie. "Plural Marriage Embedded in Utah Way of Life," Los Angeles Times, reprinted in the Salt
Lake Tribune, September 9, 2001, http://www.sltrib.com/2001/sep/09092001/nation_w/130643.htm
12 Greene, Susan. "Polygamy prevails in remote Ariz. town," The Denver Post, March 4, 2001, p. 1A.
13 Cart, Julie. "Plural Marriage Embedded in Utah Way of Life," Los Angeles Times, reprinted in the
Salt Lake Tribune, September 9, 2001, http://www.sltrib.com/2001/sep/09092001/nation_w/130643.
htm.
14 Greene, Susan. "Polygamy prevails in remote Ariz. town," The Denver Post, March 4, 2001, p. 1A.

45
Monogamy and Polygamy

Rowenna Erickson, a former plural wife, calls the health care for children in polygamy
a "freak show," saying pregnant women seldom receive prenatal care.a

a Cart, Julie. "Plural Marriage Embedded in Utah Way of Life," Los Angeles Times, reprinted in
the Salt Lake Tribune, September 9, 2001, http://www.sltrib.com/2001/sep/09092001/nation_
w/130643.htm

7.8 Welfare Fraud

Welfare fraud supports families. Polygynous wives tell state agencies that they're single.
Colorado City residents receive eight times more government services than they pay in
taxes.15 Every school-age child lives below the poverty level.16
Tom Green has five wives and thirty children. Utah convicted him of criminal nonsupport
and welfare fraud. He and his wives fraudulently obtained $150,000 in welfare benefits.17
The state also charged him with child rape, after marrying a 13-year-old girl. The state
sentenced Green to five years in prison.

Some men seem to be using their religion as an excuse for behavior that shouldn't be
tolerated.a

a Cart, Julie. "Plural Marriage Embedded in Utah Way of Life," Los Angeles Times, reprinted in
the Salt Lake Tribune, September 9, 2001, http://www.sltrib.com/2001/sep/09092001/nation_
w/130643.htm.

7.9 Violence in Polygynous Societies

Polygynous societies are more violent than monogamous societies.

Polygynous societies have more single men than single women. The competition for scarce
women can be brutal, sometimes lethal. Murderers are three times more likely to be single
than married.18

15 Cart, Julie. "Plural Marriage Embedded in Utah Way of Life," Los Angeles Times, reprinted in the
Salt Lake Tribune, September 9, 2001, http://www.sltrib.com/2001/sep/09092001/nation_w/130643.
htm.
16 Cart, Julie. "Plural Marriage Embedded in Utah Way of Life," Los Angeles Times, reprinted in the Salt
Lake Tribune, September 9, 2001, http://www.sltrib.com/2001/sep/09092001/nation_w/130643.htm
17 Cart, Julie. "Plural Marriage Embedded in Utah Way of Life," Los Angeles Times, reprinted in the
Salt Lake Tribune, September 9, 2001, http://www.sltrib.com/2001/sep/09092001/nation_w/130643.
htm.
18 Counting only male murderers between 24 and 35. Wright, Robert. The Moral Animal (Vintage, 1994,
ISBN 0679763996), p. 101. Geary, David C. Male, Female: The Evolution of Human Sex Differences
(American Psychological Association, 1998, ISBN 1-55798-527-8), p.153.

46
 Judaism, Christianity, Islam, and Polygyny

7.10 Judaism, Christianity, Islam, and Polygyny

In the Old Testament, the patriarchs Abraham, Jacob, David, and Solomon were polygy-
nous.19
Deuteronomy 25:5-6 requires men to marry their brothers' widows, as second wives. Polyg-
yny wasn't about promiscuous sex, but rather was a duty to care for widows and orphans.

Polygamy, as ideally practiced, is more Christian than divorce and remarriage as far as
the abandoned wives and children are concerned.a

a Hillman, Eugene. Polygamy Reconsidered: African Plural Marriage and the Christian Churches (Orbis
Books, 1975, ISBN 0883443910).

The Jewish Talmud limits a man to four wives. European Jews practiced polygyny until
the sixteenth century. Jews in Yemen continue to practice polygyny.20
In the New Testament, Paul discouraged marriage. He followed the Stoic philosophy that
marriage and children distract from religious devotion.
In contrast, Judaism and Islam value marriage as the ideal state for most people. In these
societies, polygyny is an ideal form of marriage-if the husband has the resources to provide
for his wives, and the good character to raise children.
In A.D. 393, the Pope reversed the Deuteronomy levirate. The Pope adapted Christianity
to Roman law, which forbade polygyny, but allowed prostitution and concubines (concu-
bines were wives whose children didn't inherit the father's wealth-we call them-ironically-
mistresses).21
The Koran (A.D. 651) requires that prosperous men marry destitute widows. The husband
must raise the widow's children as his own. A man may marry up to four women.22
Marriage and divorce were central issues in the sixteenth-century Protestant reformation.
Martin Luther believed that ministers should marry. England's King Henry VIII loved Anne
Boleyn, but was married to Catherine of Aragon. Henry asked Pope Clement VII to annul
his marriage. The Pope refused. Henry then declared the Church of England independent
of Rome; England became the first large Catholic nation to change its official religion to
Protestant.
Early Protestant rebel leaders often found themselves surrounded by adoring female con-
verts, and declared that the Old Testament allows polygyny. Polygyny in these sects always
died out within a generation-sometimes by burning at the stake.23

19 2 Samuel 5:13, 1 Kings 11:3. See also Leviticus 18:18.

20 Azeem, Sherif Abdel. "Women In Islam Versus Women In The Judaeo-Christian Tradition: The Myth &
The Reality of Polygamy" (http://www.polygamy.com/Islam/Myth-Reality-Polygamy.htm).
21 Kilbride, Philip L. Plural Marriage For Our Times: A Reinvented Option? (Bergin & Garvey, 1994, ISBN
0897893158), p. 58.
22 Koran 4:3.
23 After Polygamy Was Made A Sin: The Social History of Christian Polygamy, by John Cairncross (1974),
ps. 11, 16.

47
Monogamy and Polygamy

7.11 Contemporary Monogamy and Polygamy

When [my husband] told me, "The sign that I'd had an affair was a sign that there's
something wrong in our relationship," I thought, "No Frenchman would ever have said
that."
It's likely that in a long relationship there will be an affair somewhere along the road,
for both partners, not just for men, so it would not be interpreted as a sign that there's
something wrong.
I think Americans are more idealist, a sense of purity and innocence. If people fall in
love, and they truly love each other, then there will be no other people in their lives,
and they will be monogamous for fifty years. The French would laugh at that concept.
I'm not saying that it's easy to live the Parisian style, but I think it's more realistic.
It's less idealistic, it's making room for reality, there are temptations, there are other
men and women we encounter along the road.a |Catherine Texier, Breakup: The End of
a Love Story (1998)

a To The Best of Our Knowledge, Wisconsin Public Radio, August 23, 1998.

Biologists describe a species as monogamous if the animals:

1. Raise their young together.
2. Stay together for life.
Most monogamous species are less promiscuous than other species. However, all animals
will have sex with an animal other than his or her mate if the opportunity arises.24

7.12 Men's and Women's Desired Number of Partners

72% of men said yes when an attractive female stranger asked to have sex. All of the women
in the experiment said no when propositioned by an attractive male stranger.25
Men, on average, want 6 partners in the next year, and 18 in their lifetimes.26 In reality,
23% of American men have had two or more sexual partners in the past year. The median
man has about five sexual partners in his lifetime.27

24 Blum, Deborah. Sex On The Brain: The Biological Differences Between Men and Women (Viking Penguin,
1997, ISBN 0670868884), p. 95.
25 Buss, David M. Evolutionary Psychology (Allyn & Bacon, 1999, ISBN 0-205-19358-7), p. 161.
26 Buss, David M. Evolutionary Psychology (Allyn & Bacon, 1999, ISBN 0-205-19358-7), p. 168. These
average figures may be misleading. I was unable to find median figures to compare.
27 Michael, Robert T., Gagnon, John H., Laumann, Edward O., Kolata, Gina. Sex In America: A Definitive
Survey (Little Brown, 1994, ISBN 0-316-07524-8), p. 102.

48
 When Masculine Sexuality Is Acceptable

Women, on average, want one sexual partner in the next year, and 4 in their lifetimes.28 In
reality, 12% had two or more partners-half the number of men with two or more partners.29
The median woman has 3.5 sex partners in her lifetime.30
In other words, women, on average, get the number of partners they want. Men, on average,
don't.

7.13 When Masculine Sexuality Is Acceptable

Feminine sexuality (long-term monogamous relationships) is the norm in all societies. But
all societies allow masculine sexuality (sex with many partners) somewhere, sometimes, or
for some individuals. Each society has different rules about this. E.g., in Italian coastal
villages, young men can have sex with foreign tourist women, but not with local women.
To use masculine sexuality, follow your community's rules, move to a community that has
rules you like, or hope you have enough cerebral cortex to break the rules without getting
caught.

7.14 Stress and Promiscuity

When our ancestral mothers felt secure, they chose feminine sexuality and monogamous
relationships. But in times of life-threatening stress (e.g., famine or war), women who
traded sex for food or safety (i.e., switched to masculine sexuality) survived and became
our ancestral mothers.
Abusive families (one form of life-threatening stress) make teenage girls three to six times
more likely to have risky, promiscuous sex.31 Teenage girls from troubled families are more
sexually active, at earlier ages, and are more likely to become pregnant.32 Divorce, lack of
support from their fathers, or "male bashing" mothers cause teenage girls to believe that
men are unnecessary for raising children.33 Teenage girls become promiscuous because they
don't value men.

28 Buss, David M. Evolutionary Psychology (Allyn & Bacon, 1999, ISBN 0-205-19358-7), p. 168.
29 Michael, Robert T., Gagnon, John H., Laumann, Edward O., Kolata, Gina. Sex In America: A Definitive
Survey (Little Brown, 1994, ISBN 0-316-07524-8), p. 102.
30 Table 96, Statistical Abstr. of the U.S., http://www.census.gov/prod/2001pubs/statab/sec02.pdf
31 Cole, Kristen. "Teens who witness or experience violence at home take risks with sex," quoting re-
search by Gregory Elliott. Brown University News Service, October 16, 2002, http://www.brown.edu/
Administration/News_Bureau/2002-03/02-025.html.
32 Simpson, J.A. "Attachment theory in modern evolutionary perspective," in J. Cassidy and P.R. Shaver
(eds.), Handbook of attachment: Theory, research, and clinical applications, (Guilford, 1999), 115-140.
33 Ellis, B.J., McFaden-Ketchum, S. Dodge, K.A., Pettit, G.S., Bates, J.E. "Quality of early family relation-
ships and individual differences in the timing of pubertal maturation in girls: A longitudinal test of an
evolutionary model," Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 77, 387-401, 1999; referring to Draper
and Harpending 1982, 1988.

49
Monogamy and Polygamy

Conversely, girls with secure attachments to both parents, who grow up in a low-stress home,
delay sexual intercourse and choose long-term, stable mates.34 The women who most love
men love the fewest men; women who least love men love the most men.
Affectionate relationships between girls and their natural fathers delay puberty. The most
important period for this effect is the first five years of the girls' lives, suggesting that
the girls' brains are set up for relationship styles in this period. Close relationships with
mothers are less significant in that regard. The opposite effect is seen when girls have
close relationships with unrelated males, e.g., stepfathers, causing some to speculate that
pheromones play a role.35
A woman who handles stress poorly is more likely to become promiscuous, in situations
that another woman easily handles. Men who abuse women cause stress to women and see
how they react. If a woman confidently handles the problem, the man leaves her alone. If
she handles stress poorly, he recognizes a potential victim.
Smoking, alcohol, and drug use signal inability to handle stress, and subsequent promiscuity.
Substance abuse causes daily stress (e.g., getting a fix, or hiding an addiction).

At age nineteen...15 percent of nonsmoking white women attending college have had
sex. The same number for white female college students who do smoke is 55 percent.
The statistics for men are about the same.a

a Gladwell, Malcolm. The Tipping Point: How Little Things Can Make A Big Difference (Little, Brown,
2000, ISBN 0-316-31696-2), 230-231.

7.15 Sexual Satisfaction in Monogamous Relationships

The best sex is within marriages.36 86% of married men and women say they're very or
extremely satisfied with their sex lives.37
75% of individuals in monogamous relationships who live alone say they're very or extremely
satisfied with their sex lives.

34 Belsky, J., Steinberg, L., Draper, P. (1991). "Childhood experience, interpersonal development, and
reproductive strategy: An evolutionary theory of socialization," Child Development, 62, 647-70.
35 Ellis, B.J., McFaden-Ketchum, S. Dodge, K.A., Pettit, G.S., Bates, J.E. "Quality of early family relation-
ships and individual differences in the timing of pubertal maturation in girls: A longitudinal test of an
evolutionary model," Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 77, 387-401, 1999. Ellis, B.J., Gar-
ber, J. "Psychosocial antecedents of variation in girls' pubertal timing: Maternal depression, stepfather
presence, and marital and family stress," Child Development, 71, 485-501.
36 "Women Enjoy Best Sex Within Marriage," Reuters, November 12, 2002, reporting a survey in
Top Sante. http://www.reuters.com/news_article.jhtml;jsessionid=0QBQQYDXOUXM0CRBAEZSFFA?
type=humannews&StoryID=1721310
37 Laumann, Edward O., Gagnon, John H., Michael, Robert T., Michaels, Stuart. The Social Organization
Of Sexuality: Sexual Practices In The United States (University of Chicago, 1994, ISBN 0-226-46957-3),
p. 364.

50
 Is There a "Marriage Crisis"?

Of individuals with two sexual partners, only 70% say they're very or extremely satisfied
with their primary sex partner. Satisfaction with the secondary partner averages only
44%.38 I.e., the grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence.
Twice as many single individuals suffer from stress, compared to married individuals (25%
vs. 13%). Married men and married women have the same stress levels, on average.39

7.16 Is There a "Marriage Crisis"?

In 1950, the divorce rate was 23% of the marriage rate, i.e., one-fourth of marriages ended
in divorce. In 1970, 33% of marriages ended in divorce. Since 1976, the divorce rate has
been around 50% of the marriage rate.40
However, the median duration of marriage increased from 6.7 years in 1970 to 7.2 years in
1990.41
These contradictory trends were due to several factors. First, life expectancy increased from
70.8 in 1970 to 75.4 in 1990.42 People now live longer, and marry longer.
Another factor is cohabitation. Fewer couples formally marry now, but more live together,
usually for less than the 7 years required for recognition of common-law marriage in most
states. The marriage rate declined, but the "monogamy rate" (including serial monogamy)
remains the same.
A third factor was a relative shortage of men born between 1933 and 1957 (see "Man
Shortage or Commitment Shortage?" page 97).

7.17 Serial Monogamy Tends Toward Polyandry

Judging from women's clothing, contemporary Americans are polyandrous. Polygynous

species-in which a male has sex with many females-are identified by males' brightly colored
feathers, long tails, huge antlers, etc. The males look sexy, to attract females. The females
are drab, to camouflage their nests from predators.
Until 200 years ago, aristocratic men looked sexy in brightly colored silks and satins, lace,
tights, and high-heeled, pointy-toed shoes. Aristocratic men were polygynous, if you count

38 Laumann, Edward O., Gagnon, John H., Michael, Robert T., Michaels, Stuart. The Social Organization
Of Sexuality: Sexual Practices In The United States (University of Chicago, 1994, ISBN 0-226-46957-3),
p. 364.
39 de Vaus, David. Family Matters, winter 2002.
40 Table 117, "Marriages And Divorces," 2001 Statistical Abstract of the United States, http://www.
census.gov/prod/2002pubs/01statab/stat-ab01.html; Table 66, "Live Births, Deaths, and Divorces,
1950 to 2001," 2002 Statistical Abstract of the United States, http://www.census.gov/prod/www/
statistical-abstract-02.html
41 Table 160, "Divorces and Annulments," US Census Bureau, Statistical Abstract of the United States
1998.
42 Table 128, "Expectation of Life at Birth," US Census Bureau, Statistical Abstract of the United States
1998.

51
Monogamy and Polygamy

mistresses and servants. Aristocratic women's large dresses displayed wealth, but hid their
bodies.
The French revolution (1789-1795) made aristocracy unpopular (and sometimes lethal).
Men's clothing became drab and functional.43 After a brief period of simplicity, women's
clothing returned to displaying wealth, while hiding their bodies.44
World War One (1914-1918) killed 37 million young men.45 In the 1920s, women competed
for men. Women's clothes became sexy. Hemlines rose and necklines fell.
Couples married young in the 1950s. Married women didn't need to compete for men.
Women went back to hiding their bodies in large dresses.
The divorce rate started to increase in the 1960s. Older women outnumbered older men, so
they had to look sexy to attract a partner. Serial monogamy becomes polyandry as women
age. Older women buy sexy clothes, but want to see it advertised on young models. (Playboy
bizarrely dresses young women in clothes-well, in high-heeled shoes-that only women over
50 would buy.)

7.18 African-American Marriage and Polygyny

In 1970, white Americans and African-Americans had similar marriage rates.46 In the
1990s, the marriage rate for African-Americans was one-half to one-third the marriage rate
for white Americans.47 E.g., half of African-American women will never marry, compared
to one-sixth of white American women.48 Marital satisfaction among African-Americans is
lower than among whites.49 The divorce rate is higher.50 Factors contributing to African-
Americans' low marriage rate include:
• 69% of African-American men are employed, compared to 75% of white American men.51
Unemployed men are less likely to marry than employed men.

43 Lurie, Alison. The Language of Clothes (Henry Holt, 1981, ISBN 0805062440), p. 61.
44 Lurie, Alison. The Language of Clothes (Henry Holt, 1981, ISBN 0805062440), p.62.
45 http://www.frontiernet.net/~pendino/WW-One.htm
46 Lloyd, K.M., South, S.J. "Contextual Influences on Young Men's Transition to First Marriage," Social
Forces, 74 (1996): 1097-1119.
47 Lloyd, K.M., South, S.J. "Contextual Influences on Young Men's Transition to First Marriage," Social
Forces, 74 (1996): 1097-1119.
48 In 1997, 37% of African-American women (over age 18) had never married. 40% of African-American
women were married. 17.5% of white women had never married, and 60% were married. 25% of Hispanic
women had never married, and 60% were married. Statistical Abstract of the United States, 1998 (U.S.
Department of Commerce), table 57.
49 Patterson, Orlando. Rituals of Blood: Consequences of Slavery in Two American Centuries (Counterpoint
Press, 1999, ISBN 158243039X).
50 Statistical Abstract of the United States, 1998 (U.S. Department of Commerce), table 61.
51 "Civilian Labor Force and Participation Rates With Projections, 1980 to 2008," Table 568, Statistical
Abstract of the United States, U.S. Department of Commerce, Bureau of the Census, 2001, http://www.
census.gov/prod/2002pubs/01statab/stat-ab01.html.

52
 African-American Marriage and Polygyny

• "12% of African-American males age 25 to 29 were in prison or jail, compared to 4% of

Hispanic males and about 1.5% of white males."52 At the age when most men marry, one
out of eight African-American men are incarcerated.
• 3.1% of African-Americans are on public assistance, compared to 0.9% of whites. Women
on public assistance are less likely to marry than women not on public assistance.53
• African-Americans are three or four times more likely to abuse drugs than white Americans
(as measured by drug-related health problems and arrest rates54 ).
• In 1980, 52% of African-American families had one parent, compared to 17% of white
American families and 13.5% of Canadian families. In 2000, 61% of African-American
families had one parent, compared to 26% of white American families and 14% of Canadian
families. Children growing up with a single parent may see marriage as abnormal.55
Some successful, married African-American men secretly support a single mother, in return
for sex. Typically, the woman has children from previous relationships. She then has
another child with her benefactor.

A woman's comment that we needed to learn from Africa where polygamy was responsi-
bly practiced, elicited widespread applause from both men and women. One man spoke
to the crux of the issue when he stated that society's moral level overall needed to be
raised because there is no reason to expect men to act better if we get polygamy without
an improvement in morality.a

a Kilbride, Philip L. Plural Marriage For Our Times: A Reinvented Option? (Bergin & Garvey, 1994,
ISBN 0897893158), p. 98.

The good news is that an African-American woman can increase her likelihood to marry
by getting an education and a career56 (see "Education and Employment," page 27)-and
attending church doubles her likelihood to marry.57

52 US Department of Justice, Bureau of Justice Statistics, Prisoners and Jail Inmates at Midyear 1999
(Washington DC: US Department of Justice, April 2000), p. 1.
53 "Number of Persons With Income by Specified Sources: 2000," Table 513, 2002 Statistical Abstract of the
United States, U.S. Department of Commerce, Bureau of the Census, http://www.census.gov/prod/
www/statistical-abstract-02.html. Lloyd, K.M., South, S.J. "Contextual Influences on Young Men's
Transition to First Marriage," Social Forces, 74 (1996), page 1108.
54 "Health Information for Minority Women: African-American Women: Substance Abuse," The National
Women's Health Information Center, http://www.4woman.gov/minority/index.cfm?page=177. "Per-
sons Arrested by Charge and Selected Characteristic: 2000," Table 299, 2002 Statistical Abstract of the
United States, U.S. Department of Commerce, Bureau of the Census, http://www.census.gov/prod/
2002pubs/01statab/stat-ab01.html. Alcoholism and alcohol arrest rates are similar for whites and
blacks.
55 "Family Groups with Children Under 18 Years Old by Race and Hispanic Origin, 1980 to 2000," Table
54, 2002 Statistical Abstract of the United States, U.S. Department of Commerce.
56 Lloyd, K.M., South, S.J. "Contextual Influences on Young Men's Transition to First Marriage," Social
Forces, 74 (1996), p. 1107.
57 "Marriage Prospects Highest for Urban Women Who Frequently Attend Church, According to
Penn Study," Penn News, July 8, 2002, http://www.upenn.edu/pennnews/releases/2002/Q3/
religionandmarriage.html

53
8 Hormones

8.1 Testosterone

Testosterone is a hormone produced primarily in men's testes. The adrenal glands of both
men and women also produce small amounts of testosterone.1
In men, testosterone produces sperm, facial and body hair, deep voices, and muscle mass
and strength.2
Testosterone is associated with two behaviors in males: aggressive dominance of other
males, and sexual activity. E.g., male red deer live peacefully together for most of the year.
But in October their testosterone increases five-fold. They fight for territory. Female red
deer select land that has sufficient food for raising fawns. The males that control the best
territories mate with the most females.3
Testosterone is an anti-depressant, in men and women.4 It increases friendliness. It reduces
anger, depression, fatigue, confusion, nervousness, and irritability.5
That may seem contradictory-testosterone makes males fight, yet makes them friendly.
Testosterone makes males want to mate. If fighting precedes mating--e.g., gorillas--
testosterone makes males fight. But if mating requires friendship-e.g., baboons- testosterone
makes males friendly.

1 Carter, C. Sue. "Hormonal Influences on Human Sexual Behavior," Behavioral Endocrinology (MIT, 1992,
0-262-02342-3), p. 134.
2 http://www.hormone.org/testosterone/overview.html
3 Nelson, Randy J. An Introduction to Behavioral Endocrinology, Second Edition (Sinauer Associates, 2000,
ISBN 0878936165), 402-405.
4 Nelson, Randy J. An Introduction to Behavioral Endocrinology, Second Edition (Sinauer Associates, 2000,
ISBN 0878936165), p. 436. American Journal of Psychiatry, January 2003, http://www.abcnews.go.com/
sections/living/Healthology/HS_511117.html
5 http://www.hormone.org/testosterone/clinical_trials.html; "A long-term prospective study of
the physiologic and behavioral effects of hormone replacement in untreated hypogonadal men" A.S. Burris
et al. Journal of Andrology 1992, 13(4):297-304; "Androgen-behavior correlations in hypogonadal men
and eugonadal men." G.M. Alexander et al. Hormones and Behavior 1998, 33(2):85-94; "Testosterone
replacement therapy improves mood in hypogonadal men" C Wang et al. Journal of Clinical Endocrinology
and Metabolism 1996, 81(10):3578-83.

55
Hormones

8.1.1 Testosterone and Sexual Behavior

Testosterone is necessary for sexual activity. However, the amount of testosterone needed
for sexual activity is low.6 Testosterone injections don't increase sexual activity or sexual
desire in young men.7 Men have more than enough testosterone for sex.

8.1.2 Who Has the Most Testosterone?

Testosterone varies between men more than four times.8 Football players have the most
testosterone. Ministers have the least.9
Men and women with high testosterone commit more violent crimes. They're more unruly
in prison. Parole boards judge them more harshly.10
Bachelors have more testosterone than married men. Childless husbands have more testos-
terone than fathers.11 Low testosterone in men correlates with marital satisfaction. Low
testosterone improves emotional expressiveness, parent-child communication, and "androg-
ynous behaviors"-the ability to use feminine skills when necessary.12
A number of studies have shown that testosterone levels are affected not only by medical
factors, but by meteorological, conjugal, social, and other factors as well.
Men's testosterone is higher during some parts of the year than others. In most parts of
the continental United States, the highest levels usually occur in August and September.
Warm moist air at night tends to raise testosterone, and cold mornings tend to decrease it.
Men's hormone levels are also influenced by their partners. One study (Toronto, Ontario
2006) found that increases or decreases in men's levels of testosterone are often correlated
to their wives' menstrual cycles: the husband's testosterone tends to increase when the wife
is ovulating, and decrease again afterward. This effect was observed particularly in younger
couples.

8.1.3 Testosterone in Women

Women have about one-tenth of men's testosterone.13

6 Nelson, Randy J. An Introduction to Behavioral Endocrinology, Second Edition (Sinauer Associates, 2000,
ISBN 0878936165), 240-241.
7 "Testosterone dose-response relationships in healthy young men," American Journal of Physiology: En-
docrinology and Metabolism, December 2001. http://www.eurekalert.org/pub_releases/2001-11/
aps-tdr113001.php
8 Nelson, Randy J. An Introduction to Behavioral Endocrinology, Second Edition (Sinauer Associates, 2000,
ISBN 0878936165), p. 250.
9 Nelson, Randy J. An Introduction to Behavioral Endocrinology, Second Edition (Sinauer Associates, 2000,
ISBN 0878936165), p. 438.
10 Nelson, Randy J. An Introduction to Behavioral Endocrinology, Second Edition (Sinauer Associates, 2000,
ISBN 0878936165), p. 437.
11 Gray, Peter. Evolution and Human Behavior (vol 23, p 193).
12 Nelson, Randy J. An Introduction to Behavioral Endocrinology, Second Edition (Sinauer Associates, 2000,
ISBN 0878936165), p. 438.
13 Dabbs, James M. Heroes, Rogues, and Lovers: Testosterone and Behavior (McGraw-Hill, 2000, ISBN
0-07-135739-4), p. 16.

56
 Testosterone

Women's sexuality requires testosterone.14 Women with more testosterone have less depres-
sion, more sexual enjoyment, better interpersonal relationships, and happier marriages.15
Happy marriages consist of high-testosterone women and low-testosterone men.
Female executives and attorneys have more testosterone than secretaries, teachers, nurses,
and housewives.16
Women who don't use condoms are less depressed than women who use condoms, or who
aren't sexually active. Women who do not use condoms become increasingly depressed as
time elapses since their last sexual encounter. They also seek new partners sooner after
ending a relationship. Women apparently absorb an anti-depressant hormone, possibly
testosterone, from semen.17
If you're a depressed woman, talk to your doctor about trying a low dosage of testosterone
instead of Prozac or other anti-depressants.

8.1.4 Alcohol and Testosterone

Alcohol lowers men's testosterone. Liver damage (associated with alcoholism) increases
clearance of testosterone from the blood, and decreases clearance of estrogen.18 Increased
estrogen and decreased testosterone reduce the functioning of men's testes.
Alcohol has no effect on the hormones of healthy non-alcoholic young women.19 Alcoholism
reduces sexual functioning in women, but not as severely as the effect in men.20

8.1.5 Boost Your Testosterone Without Pills or Patches

To boost your testosterone:

• Avoid alcohol, if you're a man.
• Sexual activity increases testosterone, in both men and women.21

14 Carter, C. Sue. "Hormonal Influences on Human Sexual Behavior," Behavioral Endocrinology (MIT, 1992,
0-262-02342-3), p. 139.
15 Crenshaw, T., Goldberg, J. Sexual Pharmacology: Drugs That Affect Sexual Functioning (Norton, 1996,
0-393-70144-1), p. 102. Catherine Cohan, Alan Booth, Douglas A. Granger. "Gender Moderates the
Relationship Between Testosterone and Marital Interaction", Journal of Family Psychology, March 2003.
16 Nelson, Randy J. An Introduction to Behavioral Endocrinology, Second Edition (Sinauer Associates, 2000,
ISBN 0878936165), p. 439.
17 Kary, Tiffany. "Crying Over Spilled Semen," Psychology Today, September/October 2002, p. 24.
18 Crenshaw, T., Goldberg, J. Sexual Pharmacology: Drugs That Affect Sexual Functioning (Norton, 1996,
0-393-70144-1), p. 165.
19 Crenshaw, T., Goldberg, J. Sexual Pharmacology: Drugs That Affect Sexual Functioning (Norton, 1996,
0-393-70144-1), p. 153.
20 Crenshaw, T., Goldberg, J. Sexual Pharmacology: Drugs That Affect Sexual Functioning (Norton, 1996,
0-393-70144-1), 152-159.
21 Nelson, Randy J. An Introduction to Behavioral Endocrinology, Second Edition (Sinauer Associates, 2000,
ISBN 0878936165), p. 18.

57
Hormones

• Winning boosts testosterone. Losing reduces testosterone. Find a sport you can win at,
e.g., softball vs. baseball. You have to win at something physical and indicative of social
dominance, e.g., winning the lottery doesn't affect testosterone.22
• The presence of females, especially new females, boosts male testosterone.23 Speculatively,
young women increase men's testosterone more than older women. You don't need to
have sex to get this effect. The effect is produced via pheromones in women's sweat. Play
a sport you can win, on a team with sweating young women.

8.1.6 Testosterone and Aging

Pre-pubescent boys have little testosterone. After puberty, testosterone increases in

teenagers. Testosterone is generally stable until men are in their 60s. Testosterone then
decreases in old age.24 Diminishing testosterone doesn't sufficiently explain the declining
sexual activity associated with aging.25
A study in the United States, Congo, Nepal, and Paraguay found that Americans have the
highest testosterone when young, and the least in old age, but testosterone levels are nearly
constant from adolescence to old age in traditional societies in the other three countries.26
This difference may be due to how American men and women interact. North American
young men interact with many young women, in high school and college. Older American
men, however, have interaction with far fewer non-related young women. In rural societies
in many other countries, by contrast, men generally interact with roughly the same number
of young women throughout their adult lives.

8.2 Estrogen and Progesterone

Women's ovaries produce estrogen and progesterone.27 Estrogen increases in girls at pu-
berty, making them develop breasts and hips. Estrogen drops at menopause (around age
50).

22 Nelson, Randy J. An Introduction to Behavioral Endocrinology, Second Edition (Sinauer Associates,

2000, ISBN 0878936165), p. 434.
23 Nelson, Randy J. An Introduction to Behavioral Endocrinology, Second Edition (Sinauer Associates, 2000,
ISBN 0878936165), p. 238.
24 Nelson, Randy J. An Introduction to Behavioral Endocrinology, Second Edition (Sinauer Associates, 2000,
ISBN 0878936165), p. 250. Dabbs, James M. Heroes, Rogues, and Lovers: Testosterone and Behavior
(McGraw-Hill, 2000, ISBN 0-07-135739-4), p. 17.
25 Nelson, Randy J. An Introduction to Behavioral Endocrinology, Second Edition (Sinauer Associates, 2000,
ISBN 0878936165), p. 242.
26 Dabbs, James M. Heroes, Rogues, and Lovers: Testosterone and Behavior (McGraw-Hill, 2000, ISBN
0-07-135739-4), p. 17.
27 Nelson, Randy J. An Introduction to Behavioral Endocrinology, Second Edition (Sinauer Associates, 2000,
ISBN 0878936165), inside front and back covers.

58
 Estrogen and Progesterone

Estrogen is associated with ovulation and sexual receptivity. In female animals, estrogen
increases male interest in the female,28 female solicitations of males for sex,29 and male
sexual performance.30
Orgasms increase women's estrogen.31

8.2.1 Progesterone

Progesterone is associated with pregnancy, nursing, and other nonfertile states.32

Progesterone reduces female sexual behavior.33 It inhibits orgasm.34 It causes mild depres-
sion.35 Prisons use a form of progesterone to "chemically castrate" male sex offenders.36
Progesterone increases maternal behavior. E.g., progesterone causes female rabbits to build
nests.37 Progesterone causes maternal aggression toward animals that approach a mother's
young.38
A variety of behaviors affect progesterone. Breastfeeding,39 oral contraceptives,40 and lack
of exercise41 increase progesterone-and reduce sex drive.
Increased progesterone may be a factor in the 70% average drop in marital satisfaction in
the first few years after the birth of a couple's first child.42

28 Nelson, Randy J. An Introduction to Behavioral Endocrinology, Second Edition (Sinauer Associates, 2000,
ISBN 0878936165), 290-292.
29 Nelson, Randy J. An Introduction to Behavioral Endocrinology, Second Edition (Sinauer Associates, 2000,
ISBN 0878936165), 296-297.
30 Nelson, Randy J. An Introduction to Behavioral Endocrinology, Second Edition (Sinauer Associates, 2000,
ISBN 0878936165), p.289.
31 Gorrell, Carin. "The Science of Orgasm," Psychology Today, November 2001.
32 Nelson, Randy J. An Introduction to Behavioral Endocrinology, Second Edition (Sinauer Associates, 2000,
ISBN 0878936165), p. 291.
33 Nelson, Randy J. An Introduction to Behavioral Endocrinology, Second Edition (Sinauer Associates, 2000,
ISBN 0878936165), p. 324. In rats, progesterone at first facilitates estrus, then stops it.
34 Crenshaw, T., Goldberg, J. Sexual Pharmacology: Drugs That Affect Sexual Functioning (Norton, 1996,
0-393-70144-1), p. 83.
35 Crenshaw, T., Goldberg, J. Sexual Pharmacology: Drugs That Affect Sexual Functioning (Norton, 1996,
0-393-70144-1), p. 83.
36 Crenshaw, T., Goldberg, J. Sexual Pharmacology: Drugs That Affect Sexual Functioning (Norton, 1996,
0-393-70144-1), p. 91.
37 Crenshaw, T., Goldberg, J. Sexual Pharmacology: Drugs That Affect Sexual Functioning (Norton, 1996,
0-393-70144-1), p. 365.
38 Crenshaw, T., Goldberg, J. Sexual Pharmacology: Drugs That Affect Sexual Functioning (Norton, 1996,
0-393-70144-1), p. 392.
39 Crenshaw, Theresa L. The Alchemy of Love and Lust (Pocket Books, 1996, ISBN 0-671-00444-1), xiii-xiv.
40 Carter, C. Sue. "Hormonal Influences on Human Sexual Behavior," Behavioral Endocrinology (MIT,
1992, 0-262-02342-3), p. 134. Kline, Hollis. "Is The Pill Damaging Your Sex Life?" Psychology Today,
December 2001, p. 30, referring to Sanders, Stephanie, Contraception.
41 Panter-Brick, C., Pollard, T.M. "Work and hormonal variation in subsistence and industrial contexts,"
in Hormones, Health, and Behavior, edited by C. Panter-Brick and C.M. Worthman (Cambridge, 1999,
ISBN 0-521-57332-7), 149-150.
42 Crenshaw, Theresa L. The Alchemy of Love and Lust (Pocket Books, 1996, ISBN 0-671-00444-1); Parker-
Pope, Tara. "How Eye-Rolling Destroys A Marriage; Researchers Try to Predict Divorce Rate," The Wall
Street Journal, August 6, 2002, p. D1.

59
Hormones

8.2.2 Sexual Peaks of the Menstrual Cycle

Estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone vary widely over women's 28-day menstrual cycles
(see Figure 2: Hormones Over Menstrual Cycle).
For the first 10-12 days after menstrual bleeding ceases, estrogen and testosterone are low
but increasing. Progesterone is very low. A woman described this time as "confident and
social, on the prowl."43
Women ovulate around days 13-15. Estrogen and testosterone peak. Progesterone remains
low. Brain scans show that women respond more dramatically to pictures of nude men
during ovulation.44 Sexual behavior peaks. Ovulating women in singles bars wear, on
average, more jewelry and makeup than they do at other times of the month, according to
Australian research. They are more likely to initiate physical contact with men.45
During the two weeks after ovulation, progesterone dominates. Estrogen remains mod-
erately high. Testosterone diminishes. Progesterone makes women not want sex, but feel
nurturing. A woman described this time as "too tired for an orgasm, but could have touched
all night."46
Progesterone and estrogen drop a few days before menstruation. This relates to premen-
strual syndrome (PMS) in some women.47
A man reading that might think, "If I knew when women were ovulating, dating would be
much easier!" Indeed, females of almost all other species show males when they're ovulating.
Many species are physically incapable of intercourse when the female isn't ovulating.
But ovulation is relatively concealed, rather than obvious. (If they didn't, some men would
date them when they were ovulating, and date other women the rest of the month.)
If a man doesn't know when his wife is fertile, he must have sex with her throughout the
month to father a child--or each day stop her from having sex with other men, to prevent
other men from getting her pregnant.

8.3 Oxytocin

The pituitary gland (in the brain) produces oxytocin. Both males and females produce
oxytocin. Oxytocin is unique to mammals.
Affectionate touching releases oxytocin. Cuddling a child or pet is pleasurable because of
oxytocin. An infant suckling releases the mother's oxytocin, making nursing pleasurable for
women.

43 Crenshaw, Theresa L. The Alchemy of Love and Lust (Pocket Books, 1996, ISBN 0-671-00444-1), p. 191.
44 Robotham, Julie. "Even good girls are burning up," September 12, 2002; http://www.smh.com.au/
articles/2002/09/11/1031608271820.html.
45 Wright, Robert. The Moral Animal (Vintage, 1994, ISBN 0679763996), p. 70.
46 Crenshaw, Theresa L. The Alchemy of Love and Lust (Pocket Books, 1996, ISBN 0-671-00444-1), p. 193.
47 Nelson, Randy J. An Introduction to Behavioral Endocrinology, Second Edition (Sinauer Associates, 2000,
ISBN 0878936165), 628-639.

60
 Pheromones

Individuals who regularly cuddle can become addicted to each other. They can experience
oxytocin withdrawal when apart.48
Oxytocin releases cyclically. Couples reach the highest levels of sexual feeling by alternating
about twenty minutes of intense touching with relaxation or less intense touching.
Orgasm spikes oxytocin to five times normal levels. The refractory or disinterested period
some people feel after sex may be due in part to oxytocin overdose (too much of any drug
reduces sexual interest).49 Test this hypothesis by cuddling more when you're not having
sex, to get your brain used to oxytocin.50

8.4 Pheromones

Pheromones are chemicals in sweat and urine. Animals use pheromones to sense whether
another animal is male or female, related or unrelated,51 sexual receptiveness in females,
and dominance in males. The vomeronasal organ (VNO) in the nose detects pheromones.
The VNO is distinct from the nose's smell faculty-pheromones are a "sixth" sense. Many
scientists believe that the VNO in humans merges into the sinus during fetal development,
and that many people do not have a functional VNO.
The VNO connects to the accessory olfactory bulb, which is a brain area distinct from
the main olfactory bulb (which processes our sense of smell). From there, pheromone
information goes directly to the reptilian brain, and the limbic (old mammalian) brain
area for maternal behavior. Pheromone information never gets to our cerebral cortex, the
recently evolved brain area for consciousness and abstract thinking.52 We have no conscious
awareness of pheromones.
Exposure to male perspiration brightens women's moods, reduces tension and increases
relaxation. It is also theorized that male perspiration slightly affects women's menstrual
cycle timing.53
Exposure to men's sweat can make other men feel weak or subordinate. To maintain your
self-esteem, avoid getting too close to other men or their clothes (e.g., when flying coach).

48 Crenshaw, T., Goldberg, J. Sexual Pharmacology: Drugs That Affect Sexual Functioning (Norton, 1996,
0-393-70144-1), p. 45.
49 Crenshaw, T., Goldberg, J. Sexual Pharmacology: Drugs That Affect Sexual Functioning (Norton, 1996,
0-393-70144-1), p. 52.
50 The pituitary gland hormone prolactin is likely also a culprit in the refractory period. This hormone dou-
bles after orgasm, in both men and women, and reduces sexual desire. "Hormone May Hold Key to Sex-
ual Arousal"; March 11, 2002; http://www.passionvillage.com/archives/dailies/sexinthenews/
sexinthenews.php3?requestid=20010112134809hormon
51 Katz, Lawrence C. "Researchers Record First 'Pheromone Images' in Brains of Mice," Howard Hughes
Medical Institute, February 13, 2003, http://www.hhmi.org/news/katz2.html; also, D'Amato, F.R.
"Kin interaction enhances morphine analgesia in male mice," Behavioral Pharmacology 9: 369-373 (1998).
52 Pines, Maya. "Sniffing Out Social and Sexual Signals," Howard Hughes Medical Institute, http://www.
hhmi.org/senses/d210.html, reporting research by Sally Winans and Rochelle Small.
53 Bradt, Steve. "Pheromones in male perspiration reduce women's tension, alter hormone response,"
describing study by George Preti and Charles J. Wysocki in Biology of Reproduction, June 2003,
http://www.eurekalert.org/pub_releases/2003-03/uop-pim031403.php

61
Hormones

Male mice missing the pheromone receptor gene are unable to sense "maleness" in other
mice. These male mice treat all other mice as female. They try to mate with male mice as
well as with female mice. They don't fight other male mice.54

8.4.1 Major Histocompatibility Complex Molecules

Parents with genetically different immune systems produce offspring with strong immune
systems. Parents with genetically similar immune systems can be infertile or have miscar-
riages. Females sense a male's immune system via major histocompatibility complex (MHC)
molecules. The VNO appears to sense MHC.
The sweat of men with genetically different MHC attracts women. The sweat of men with
genetically similar MHC repulses women.
Pregnant female mice seek males with genetically similar MHC. These males are likely to
be relatives and will protect their baby relations.55

8.4.2 Pheromones Are Not Body Odor

Bacteria and fungi live on your skin and in your clothes. These organisms drink your sweat
and digest your discarded skin cells. Their excretions make you smell disgusting. That's
body odor.56
Women's sense of smell (olfactory sensitivity) is, on average, better than men's. Ask a
woman if you smell bad. If so, shower with antibacterial soap. If that doesn't eliminate
body odor, shave your body hair (especially your armpits), shave your beard, and get a
haircut. Hair holds body odor.
Conversely, if women like your smell, grow a beard and long hair, and keep your body hair.
But frequent showering also washes away your pheromones. To attract women, men need
pheromones without body odor. Contrary to spam e-mail advertisements, you can't buy
human sexual pheromone colognes. Don't be afraid to sweat on a date, if you've gotten rid
of skin bacteria.
(Perhaps we're actually offended by pheromones, not body odor. What if I had to negotiate
a business deal with a man who makes me feel weak and queasy? What if I had to work next
to a woman who makes me unable to think about anything but sex? Perhaps we shower
daily and use anti-perspirants so that we can get along with each other.)

54 Dulac, Catherine. Science Express, January 31, 2002; "Pheromones Control Gender Recognition in Mice,"
Howard Hughes Medical Institute, January 31, 2002, http://www.hhmi.org/news/dulac.html
55 O'Connell, Sanjida. "Sniffing out a partner could lead to good health for your children," The Guardian,
September 27, 2001, http://www.guardian.co.uk/ Archive/Article/0,4273,4264733,00.html. Claus
Wedekind of the University of Bern, Switzerland studied women's attraction to men's sweat. Carole
Ober of the University of Chicago studied the effect of oral contraceptives.
56 "Debugging Devices," Men's Health, September 2001, p. 41.

62
 Do Men and Women Have Different Sex Drives?

8.5 Do Men and Women Have Different Sex Drives?

Men's sex drive results from one hormone. Testosterone varies 50% or more daily,57 varies
even more between men, and diminishes with age, but, compared to women, the male sex
drive is relatively constant. In general, men are ready for sex anytime, anywhere.
In contrast, three hormones-estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone-control women's sex
drive. Women's interest in sex varies in character and intensity over their menstrual cycles,
during pregnancy and nursing, and during menopause. Women's sex drives can be as strong
or stronger than men's, but only at specific times.
Female mammals will have sex only in certain places. E.g., female elephant seals select a
beach with minimal danger from predators. Female red deer select a meadow with abun-
dant food to support fawns. Many human females like familiar surroundings, moderate
temperature, etc.
Female primates prefer to mate with specific males. Whether a male physically dominated
other males (e.g., gorillas), or built a social network (e.g., baboons), or is one's life partner
(e.g., gibbons), rejecting inappropriate males is central to female sexuality.

8.5.1 Fetal Testosterone and Brain Differences

Foeti are of "indifferent" sex for the first six weeks. Foeti with XY (male) chromosomes
then produce testosterone. Testosterone causes the XY fetus to develop male genitalia and
physique.
XY foeti convert some of the testosterone into estrogen. Estrogen masculinizes a fetus.58
XX (female) foeti are normally not exposed to testosterone or estrogen. They develop
female organs, and feminine features and behavior.

8.5.2 Cognitive Differences

Women generally have better senses of smell, taste, and hearing. Men generally have better
vision.59
Women often have better verbal skills. In general, they have better fine motor skills, e.g.,
threading a needle or connecting small wires. Men are often better at "directed motor
skills," e.g., throwing a ball, and "visual-spatial abilities," e.g., map reading and mental
rotation of 3-D objects.60

57 Crenshaw, Theresa L. The Alchemy of Love and Lust (Pocket Books, 1996, ISBN 0-671-00444-1), p. 139.
58 C.D. Toran-Allerand, "On the Genesis of Sexual Differentiation of the Central Nervous System: Morpho-
Genetic Consequences of Steroidal Exposure and Possible Role of Alpha-Fetoprotein," in G.J. Devries et
al. (eds), Sex Differences in the Brain: Special Issue of Progress in Brain Research 61 (1984): 63-98.
59 Nelson, Randy J. An Introduction to Behavioral Endocrinology, Second Edition (Sinauer Associates, 2000,
ISBN 0878936165), p. 183-187.
60 Nelson, Randy J. An Introduction to Behavioral Endocrinology, Second Edition (Sinauer Associates, 2000,
ISBN 0878936165), p. 188. Benbow, C.P., Benbow, R.M. "Biological correlates of high mathematical

63
Hormones

70% of men tend to use one brain hemisphere at a time while working on a task. Men can
often concentrate on a task for long periods.61 Focusing on an activity without distractions
soothes men, e.g., driving a motorcycle across the country.
Most women multi-task, e.g., minding a baby while cooking dinner while talking on the tele-
phone. Approximately 70% of women (as opposed to 35% of men) are adept at multitasking,
according to one study. So-called "woman's intuition" (HSI, as it is more technically called)
results from using her whole brain to solve a problem.

8.5.3 Abnormal Fetal Testosterone

XX (female) foeti exposed to testosterone develop masculinized features, e.g., a clitoris

as large as a small penis, and (sometimes) masculine thinking patterns and behaviors.
Conversely, XY (male) foeti not exposed to testosterone become feminized.62
Switching the hormones of baby animals-rats, ferrets, pigs, finches, and monkeys63 - makes
males grow up to behave as females, and vice versa.64 Females attempt to mount females.
Males assume the lordosis female sexual posture to get males to mount them.65 Given a
choice of male or female sexual partners, the hormonally manipulated animals choose their
own sex.66
Stressing pregnant rats (e.g., forcing them to remain immobile in bright light, which ter-
rifies normally nocturnal animals) causes them to produce homosexual or bisexual male
offspring.67
Some genetic disorders and hormone imbalances expose human XX (female) foeti to testos-
terone or estrogen, or prevent testosterone exposure of XY (male) foeti. These XY (male)
adults look and act like women (sometimes including sexual attraction to men). The XX
(female) girls prefer to play with trucks instead of dolls.68 The adult women have masculine
features, behavior, and sexual attraction to women.69
Gender identity, sexual biology, and cognitive skills appear to develop at different stages
of pregnancy. Abnormal fetal hormones at certain points in pregnancy can produce one

reasoning ability," Progress in Brain Research, 61 De Vries, G.J. et al. (eds.), Elsevier, Amsterdam
(1984), 469-90.
61 Moir, A. Jessel, D. Brain Sex: The Real Difference Between Men & Women (Delta, 1989, ISBN 0-385-
31183-4), p. 44.
62 Nelson, Randy J. An Introduction to Behavioral Endocrinology, Second Edition (Sinauer Associates, 2000,
ISBN 0878936165), p. 106.
63 Nelson, Randy J. An Introduction to Behavioral Endocrinology, Second Edition (Sinauer Associates, 2000,
ISBN 0878936165), 120, 117.
64 Moir, A., Jessel, D. Brain Sex (Delta, 1989, ISBN 0385311834), p. 27. Schulkin, Jay. The Neuroendocrine
Regulation of Behavior (Cambridge, 1999, ISBN 0-521-453852), p. 24.
65 Le Vay, Simon. Queer Science (MIT, 1996, ISBN 0262621193), 115-116.
66 Le Vay, Simon. Queer Science (MIT, 1996, ISBN 0262621193).
67 Rosenthal, Norman E. The Emotional Revolution: How The New Science Of Feelings Can Transform Your
Life (Citadel, 2002, ISBN 0-8065-2295-X), p. 264.
68 Hines, Melissa. Child Development, November-December 2002. http://www.sciencedaily.com/
releases/2002/11/021112075626.htm
69 Nelson, Randy J. An Introduction to Behavioral Endocrinology, Second Edition (Sinauer Associates, 2000,
ISBN 0878936165), 112, 114, 124.

64
 Do Men and Women Have Different Sex Drives?

gender abnormality, while the individual otherwise develops normally. E.g., a man could
think of himself as masculine, wear men's clothing, etc., but feel sexual attraction to other
men.70
Abnormal fetal testosterone can be a gift. Normal men and women can get stuck in mas-
culine or feminine thinking patterns. Too often men can't understand women, and women
can't understand men. But, as in the saying "two heads are better than one," individu-
als with androgynous tendencies can solve problems that stump other men and women.71
They can use masculine aggressiveness and goal-orientation. They can use feminine listen-
ing, verbal, and social skills. For example, gays and lesbians can be adept diplomats--or
spies.

70 Moir, A. Jessel, D. Brain Sex: The Real Difference Between Men & Women (Delta, 1989, ISBN 0-385-
31183-4), p. 115.
71 Le Vay, Simon. Queer Science (MIT, 1996, ISBN 0262621193), 154-155.

65
9 Communication Styles

9.1 The Great Male Hierarchy

Women don't think that all men were created equal. In most species, females prefer to mate
with certain males. Females' preferences created the Great Male Hierarchy.
Hierarchies have many advantages. Leaders provide for the welfare of men below them.
Subordinate men support the leaders. Every man has a job to do. Leaders make and
execute decisions quickly.
New men can join the hierarchy at any time-at the bottom. No time is wasted deciding
who likes or dislikes whom.
"Ego boosts"-praise and appreciation that boosts a man up the hierarchy-can be more
important than anything else.

It is with baubles that battles are won.a

a http://www.electric-rain.net/Effects/Axiom.html

Conversely, fear of embarrassment-a fall down the hierarchy -makes soldiers risk their lives.
An insult-a shove down the hierarchy-"drives a man to distraction" or makes him ignore
more important goals.
The hierarchical model works with a dozen men, or a million men.
Men in a hierarchy have no need to put down any other man. They establish rules. The rule
of law supplants force and violence. The organization runs smoothly. Courts and justice
systems are hierarchies.
The downside of hierarchies is that high-status individuals can abuse low-status individuals.1
A male hierarchy with thirty million members-e.g., Nazi Germany-has far more potential
for abuse than a thirty-member women's circle.

9.2 Women’s Support Circles

Women form egalitarian support circles. When a woman has a problem, the other women
in her circle help her. This structure promotes sharing of resources. Support circles take
care of each member.

1 Fuller, Robert W. Rankism: Somebodies, Nobodies, And The Abuse Of Power. http://www.
breakingranks.net/book/book.html

67
Communication Styles

Women compliment each other and put themselves down to say, "You're in my circle."
Instead of having set jobs, at different times individuals have different roles. A woman with
resources or skills needed today helps her sisters. They'll care for her at another time.
Women play games to socialize. In contrast, men play to win.
The downside of women's support circles is that they're effective only up to about thirty
members. Decisions require consensus. Women's circles can talk and talk and talk instead
of making a decision.
Women in a circle exclude other women. Women gossip to say, "You're in my circle."
Women make "catty" remarks to exclude individuals from their circle.
Only five women head Fortune 500 companies.2 But few women are homeless. The top and
bottom of the Great Male Hierarchy are far apart. Women's egalitarian instincts keep them
from society's depths as well as its heights.

9.3 Women's Culture, Men's Culture

In most societies, women spend most of their time with other women, and men spend most
of their time with other men. North American society is unusual in that we have few rules
enforcing this, but men and women still generally follow this pattern.
Women's culture isn't monolithic. Some groups of women read fashion magazines, others
look to Oprah Winfrey as their role model, while other women are devoted to their horses.
But, in general, women like to be with other women.
Men like to engage in activities with other men. Watching sports, drinking beer, going
hunting and fishing, etc. The difference between men's and women's cultures is that men
welcome women into their cultures, when women want men to stay out of their cultures
(although there are exceptions to both these assertions).
For example, a woman who likes to watch football and drink beer will be welcomed at
any sports bar. She'll receive plenty of attention from the men (e.g., they'll buy her
beer).(However, this may not be the case at a small-town gambling establishment.)
But a (straight) man who shows up at an aerobics class wearing a leotard will be ignored
by the women in the class. They won't buy him a sports drink at the juice bar afterwards.
The obvious problem is that the women will think that he's there just to pick up women.
The women won't think he's there because he likes aerobics. In contrast, at the sports bar
the men will assume that a woman is there to see the big game (the same reason the men
are there).
A subtler problem is that women may assume that any man who tries to join their culture
is a loser. For example, a friend invited me to the aerobics class she taught at a health club.
(She warned me not to try to pick up any of the women.) Through 95% of the class I was
having mishaps. All the brightly colored gym equipment was beyond my abilities to control.

2 "The Inside Story," Working Mother, October 2001, http://www.workingwoman.com/oct_2001/inside_

04.shtml

68
 Women's Culture, Men's Culture

E.g., my big bouncy ball kept bouncing around the room, instead of staying between my
feet. I was hopelessly off the beat in any exercise that required rhythm. I excelled at the
few exercises that required upper body strength, but the women ignored that. I laughed
and had fun, but my friend (the instructor) pretended not to know me, and none of the
women in the class talked to me. No one offered to show me how to use the brightly colored
springy thingies, for example. In contrast, if a woman shows up at a bowling club, men will
be happy to show her how to hold the ball, etc.
In contrast, when a woman joins a men's culture, she quickly figures out who are the alpha
males, and is happy to meet them.
If a man tries to join a women's culture, the women might form "buddy circles" to talk and
exclude him. A woman who doesn't have a buddy circle will get out her cellphone to avoid
him trying to talk to her. The man trying to join a women's buddy circle conversation is a
major faux pas (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Faux_pas).
The result is that women have power and opportunities that men lack. This power is
balanced in several ways. Young, attractive women are welcomed into men's cultures, but
less attractive women are ignored. And women who are too engrossed in their women's
groups can find themselves without a man in their lives. For example, when my running
club goes out to dinner the handful of women sit at one end of a long table, while the ten
or fifteen men sit around the rest of the table. One night I put a Kleenex pack on the table
in front of me, while I talked to the men on my side of the table. Our conversation was
interrupted by two women asking for Kleenexes. Both were crying, and when I listened
to their conversation I heard them commiserating about being thirty-something and not
having boyfriends. One was saying that she'd now decided to accept that she could be
happy on her own, without a man in her life. I felt like telling them to stop sitting together
at one end of the table and go sit among the men, and they'd soon have boyfriends. Instead,
she'd decided to stay with her girlfriends and try to be happy without a man.

9.3.1 Men: "Report Talk"

Men communicate to establish social hierarchies, examples being when:

• They put each other down, showing off, or boasting.
• They talk about things they did, a.k.a. "report talk."
• They issue orders or commands-"Bring me a beer!"
• "Anger as a greeting." A man makes a verbal challenge. If the other man stands up to
him, they respect each other.
• Men disagree to show superiority. E.g., a man admires a Honda motorcycle. His buddy
replies that Harley-Davidson motorcycles are better.
• Men refuse offers of help. This shows that a man is independent. Dependence indicates
low status.
• Men tend to find something positive in negative situations. "No, I didn't catch any fish,
but I tried my new outboard motor." Expressing unhappiness admits failure.
• Men offer advice. Advice taken shows that the advisor is smarter. In contrast, fixing
another person's problem communicates subservient status.
• Men talk more in public. High status men talk the most. Men interrupt each other, to
increase their talk time.

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Communication Styles

• Equal men prefer to talk sitting side-by-side, not looking at each other.3 Driving is ideal
for a conversation with a man. Men talk to each other face-to-face only within a hierarchy
(e.g., a boss sitting at his desk), or in a confrontation.
• "Playful insults and teasing put-downs are a common way that men and boys show
affection and intimacy."4

9.3.2 Women: "Rapport" Talk

Women communicate to establish egalitarian support circles:

• Supporting each other-"You're doing great!"
• Complimenting each other.
• Agreeing or saying "we're the same."
• Putting themselves down-"I'm not smart like you!"
• Making suggestions, especially to do things together- "Let's clean the house today"-
instead of issuing orders.
• Asking for help, and offering help, to show rapport and equality.
• Instead of offering advice, women do the work themselves.
• Preferring intimacy to independence.
• Talking more in private.
• Gossiping or telling each other secrets, to demonstrate equality and intimacy.
• Women prefer to talk sitting face-to-face.5 Women feel threatened when approached from
behind.

9.3.3 Men Should Learn to Speak "Woman-ese"

Men have to learn two languages: "man-ese" to get to the top of the Great Male Hierarchy
(and so attract women), and "woman-ese" to make a woman feel the equality, kindness,
and support she's used to receiving from other women. Speaking "woman-ese" is the most
important dating skill a man can learn.
The men at the top of the Great Male Hierarchy often have the worst relationships with
women. Smart men devote years of higher education to learn "lawyer-ese" or "computer-
ese." Then they spend one weekend in a John Gray seminar learning "woman-ese."
Instead, practice your "woman-ese" with every woman you meet. Make every woman feel
good about herself. This includes old ladies, cleaning staff, and your sister-in-law.
Men with overdeveloped cerebral cortexes look down from their corner offices and wonder
why women go for losers. The leader of a three-punk motorcycle gang, who plays guitar and
knows the words women want to hear, scores all the women he wants. An MBA managing
sixty employees can't get a date, if he only knows how to talk about business.

3 Tannen, Deborah. I Only Say This Because I Love You, (Random House, 2001, ISBN 0-679-45601-5),
136-137.
4 Tannen, Deborah. I Only Say This Because I Love You, (Random House, 2001, ISBN 0-679-45601-5), 144.
5 Tannen, Deborah. I Only Say This Because I Love You, (Random House, 2001, ISBN 0-679-45601-5),
136-137.

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 Women's Culture, Men's Culture

9.3.4 Men's Mistakes

• Interrupting--women's #1 complaint. When your date is talking, repeat silently to your-

self: Let her talk.
• When women talk about their problems, men often give advice for "fixing" the problem.
Women instead are asking for emotional connection.6
• Put-downs. Never tell a woman that she's ugly, stupid, short, or fat. Not even when
you're joking.
• Don't argue, disagree, or correct facts. Listen for things a woman says that you can agree
with, instead of listening for points to disagree about.
• Lecturing. Nothing is more boring to a woman than a man endlessly talking about his
work or hobbies. Women smile, nod, and act interested, because this is how women listen.
Men interpret this as encouragement to continue talking.7 To improve your conversation
skills, imagine that your date is silently asking "How is this conversation relevant to me?"
• Lack of eye contact. Don't stare at a woman's breasts, behind, or pelvic area--this is
highly offensive. Don't make sexually charged compliments. When in doubt about these,
just don't. Don't look at other women.
• Not listening. At least half of "good communication skills" is listening. (However, re-
searchers have found that the commonly taught marital counseling technique of "active
listening" doesn't improve relationships.)
•
• Sometimes, if you ask a woman a question, her reply will not necessarily be the one she
wants to give. Females tend to expect males to read their mind and say either 'yes dear'
or 'no, we're doing this'. Picking the wrong one at the wrong time is disastrous, but use
that hunter's risk assessing ability that has been precisely sculpted over eons of time.

9.3.5 Women's Mistakes

• Don't say "no" when you mean "yes," or "yes" when you mean "no.". Also avoid saying
"maybe" or relying on the male to pick up subtle signals.
• Most women aren't adept at "man-ese" and shouldn't speak it, e.g., "trash talk" after a
game (unless you desire a hearty dead-arm or a wedgie).
• While interrupting a woman will cause her to pause and maybe listen but silently harbour
a scathing grudge, more often than not a man will simply continue to talk over the top
of her.
• If a man talks about a problem, he is probably subconsciously asking you to help him fix
the problem. Women manage to realise the first half of this and overtly offer a solution.
This will often be rejected because the solution wasn't provided by the male. That
mistake causes perfectly good solutions to go unused.
• Don't argue or overtly disagree. Listen for things a man says that you can agree with,
instead of listening for points to disagree about.
• Lack of eye contact, especially don't look at other men. Also too much eye contact may
enrage the male.

6 Gray, John. Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus (HarperCollins, 1992, ISBN 006016848X).
7 Tannen, Deborah. You Just Don't Understand (Ballantine, 1990, ISBN 0345372050), p. 145.

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Communication Styles

• Nagging. With reference to the above, men give orders and rarely enjoy taking them
from subordinates. However, men are often looking for some kind of 'damsel in distress'
situation and if you reconstruct the order into a request they will most likely oblige
(unless it is rinsing the dishes before putting them in the dishwasher, this is a feat yet to
be accomplished independently of nagging).
• Trying to stop a fight that has already begun. Big mistake, about a hundred reasons not
to do it. Just don't.

Don't try to compete with the guys; it won't impress anyone. Remember, one of the
reasons they like you is because you don't offer yet more competition to the already
existing male egos.a

a Hynde, Chrissie. "Night In My Veins," Pretenders album cover (http://www.pretenders.org/

advice.htm).

9.3.6 Emotional Communication

Emotional messages hide in factual communications.8 For example, Morrow Mayo's essay
"To See It Fall" is composed only of scientific facts and objective narration, yet it gives a
sense of strong disapproval to the settlers' cutting down of the Brobdingnagian sequoia.
Emotional messages can be verbal, e.g., inviting a woman to a party. Or emotional messages
can be nonverbal, e.g., offering a man a place to sit.
Emotional messages can be positive (e.g., "I like you") or negative (e.g., "I don't like you").
Responses can be positive, negative, or ambiguous.
Good communicators respond to the emotional message as well as to the factual message.
Good communicators respond positively to negative and ambiguous emotional messages.

9.3.7 Dating: Ambiguous Responses to Positive Emotions

In dating, the most common communication problem is ambiguous responses to positive

emotional messages.
E.g., a man asks a woman out to a movie Friday night. His factual message is about the
movie. His emotional message is, "I feel romantic attraction to you. Do you feel attraction
to me?"
The woman responds, "No, I have other things to do Friday night." She's responding neg-
atively to the factual message, and ambiguously to the emotional message. She's thinking,
"You're probably a loser, but I'm not 100% sure, and the other men I'm dating are losers
too, so keep asking me out. Maybe some night I'll be so desperate that I'll go out with you.
God, I hope not."

8 Gottman, John. The Relationship Cure (Crown, 2001, ISBN 0609608096).

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 Women's Culture, Men's Culture

The man responds, "What about seeing a hockey game Saturday night?" The woman again
responds, "No, I have other plans Saturday night." They can go on for weeks without asking
or answering the deeper message. Miscommunication wastes their time.
The woman could directly answer the emotional message. She could say, "I think you're
attractive. Let's get together another time." Or, "I don't find you attractive and don't want
to do anything else with you." It's hard to imagine that a woman would speak directly. You
can see why we hide emotional messages in factual statements.
Or the man could clearly communicate his deeper message: "Do you feel attracted to me?"
Again, it's hard to imagine a man directly asking an emotional question.
But clearly communicating emotional messages will improve your relationships. Try it. At
first you'll say embarrassing things. With practice you'll master emotional communication.

9.3.8 Relationships: Respond Positively to Negative Emotions

In relationships, the most common communication problem is negative responses to emo-

tional messages.
E.g., a couple agrees to meet at a restaurant. He's twenty minutes late. She points this out
(a factual message) and her body language and vocal tone communicate that she's angry
(an emotional message).
He responds negatively, "Only twenty minutes. What's the big deal? Last week you were
thirty minutes late."
Negative, ignored, and ambiguous responses don't change your partner's negative emotions.
Successful couples respond positively to negative messages. E.g., he responds, "I'm late
because my boss gave me a lot of work, but all day I was counting the minutes until we'd
be together."

9.3.9 Playful Partnering

Relationship masters use humor to respond to negative emotions. The key word in that
sentence was masters. Humor used badly will get you into deeper trouble.
Play a game (see page 16). E.g., you're twenty minutes late. Ask your partner to pretend
to be angry. She looks at her watch, paces, and says, "He's one minute late. He doesn't
love me. Now he's two minutes late. I should have married Fred the accountant. He was
boring but punctual..."
You pretend to be somewhere else. You dreamily think aloud, "I love her cute little nose,
I love her kissable lips....Oh no, look at the time, I'm late! She hates it when I'm late! I'd
better stop and buy her flowers. No, that'll make me more late!"
Then you meet. She expresses anger, impersonating Jack Nicholson in The Shining. You
express drippy, romance novel love. If she doesn't laugh, you get drippier, until she's
laughing.
Now repeat the game, switching roles.

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Communication Styles

You acknowledge that you understand her emotional message, and switch your partner from
negative to positive emotions.

9.3.10 Emotions Are Contagious

Consciously or unconsciously, people mimic each other's emotions. We infect each other
with our emotions.9 Your emotional state results primarily from the people around you,
not from what you do or think.
If you can't get dates, maybe you're infecting people with negative emotions. No one wants
to be infected with anger, distrust, anxiety, or low self-esteem. Instead, infect people with
positive emotions.

9.3.11 Women's Dating Lies

I felt a kind of pleasure in accepting at face value all the counterfeit currency she had
passed off on me.a

a Flem, Lydia. Casanova: The Man Who Really Loved Women (Farrar, Straus, Giroux, 1997, ISBN0-
374-11957-0), p. 40.

Jealousy

My guy and I have a loving relationship, but...I crave attention from other men. I flirt
with every guy in the bar, including men my friends are after. I never take it any further
than that, but I get off on making men swoon. Is there something wrong with me?a

a Kurtz, Irma. "Ask Irma: Agony Advice," Cosmopolitan, October 18, 2002, http://magazines.
ivillage.com/cosmopolitan/experts/agony/qas/0,12750,284429_536411,00.html

Women are twice as likely as men to intentionally cause jealousy.

Women cause jealousy to test the strength of the relationship, and to increase their partners'
commitment. Jealousy increases sexual passion.10 Jealous couples are more likely to marry.
Revenge, bolstering self-esteem, and punishment aren't typical reasons for women to use
jealousy.

9 Gladwell, Malcolm. The Tipping Point: How Little Things Can Make A Big Difference (Little, Brown,
2000, ISBN 0-316-31696-2), 84-85. Referring to Hatfield, E., Cacioppo, J. Emotional Contagion.
10 Buss, David M. The Dangerous Passion: Why Jealousy Is As Necessary As Love and Sex (Free Press,
2000, ISBN 0684850818).

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 Women's Culture, Men's Culture

Boyfriend Lies

25% of women living with men say they don't intend to marry their partners. Most explained
that their partner's income or education was too low.11
These women wanted monogamous relationships, so they "hooked up" with a boyfriend.
But they're not satisfied with their boyfriend, so they're keeping their eyes open for better
prospects. If the boyfriend realizes this, he might cheat or end the relationship. Navigating
through this dilemma sometimes requires lying:
• A man asks a woman's friend whether she has a boyfriend. "Yes," the friend replies, "but
she wants to break up." He asks her out. She rejects him, saying that she has a boyfriend.
• A woman flirts with a man. When he asks her out, she says that she has a boyfriend.
• A woman accepts a lunch date with a man. After he pays the bill, she starts talking
about her boyfriend.
• A woman refuses a date, saying that she recently broke up with a boyfriend and needs
time to recover. Two weeks later she has a new boyfriend.
The message in all these examples is "I'm not 100% satisfied with my boyfriend so I checked
you out, but you're not worth leaving my boyfriend for." He refuses to hear that he's inferior
to another man. He instead accuses her of lying. (She may also be trying to make her
boyfriend jealous.)

9.3.12 Men's Dating Lies

We have different rules for interactions between friends and strangers (see "Adult Friend-
ship," page 86). Men's dating lies cross the boundary between friends and strangers.
A man may feel that he knows his object of desire, and so believe that they're friends.
He may have watched her and overheard her conversations with her friends. Or, in this
electronic age, he may have seen her on television or listened to her music and feels that he
knows her. But as long as he's a stranger to her, he should interact with her according to
the rules of strangers.
Or a man may think that acting like a friend
== will make a woman like and trust him. That works with equal partners. E.g., two men
meet while fishing. If they're friendly to each other, they become friends (see "Equality,"
page 84). In contrast, imagine going into a bank to ask for a loan. There's nothing wrong
with being friendly, but friendliness won't affect whether you get the loan. Dating is like
applying for a loan. If a woman decides not to go out on a date with you, being friendly
isn't going to change her mind.

Unsolicited Gifts

Friends give each other unsolicited gifts. Friends don't expect anything in return.

11 Manning, Wendy D. Journal of Family Issues, 2002 November. http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?

tmpl=story2&u=/nm/20021121/hl_nm/marriage_relationships_dc

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Communication Styles

If you receive an unsolicited gift (e.g., a man finishes People magazine while eating lunch
at a restaurant, and then gives it to the waitress), say that you don't want it but you know
someone (e.g., a co-worker) who'd like it. If the giver backpedals and insists that the gift is
only for you, don't accept it.

Solving a Problem

Friends help each other solve problems. But friends don't overplay minor problems into
major problems. And friends don't cause problems, and then offer to fix them.
E.g., a man and woman arrive at a hardware store after it closes. He asks what she needs
to buy, and she replies that she has a leaky faucet. It's OK for him to say that another
store across town is open late. It's not OK for him to insist that she accompany him to the
other store, and insist that she let him fix her leaky faucet.

Refusing to Hear "No"

Your best friend says that she doesn't want a birthday party this year. You ignore her "no,"
reserve the back room of her favorite restaurant, invite all of her friends, and decorate the
room with banners and balloons. Your friend has a great time.
It's not OK for a stranger to refuse to hear "no." If a woman gives in to a minor allowance,
e.g., carrying her groceries up to her apartment, she'll give in to bigger advances.
For more about recognizing predatory men's lies, read The Gift of Fear, by Gavin De Becker
(1997).

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10 Life Stages

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11 Childhood--Seeking Unconditional
Love

Remember Leave It To Beaver? Every episode, Beaver Cleaver did something to get in
trouble. E.g., he hit a baseball through a neighbor's window. No matter what trouble he
got into, his parents loved him. The episode ended happily.
Children learn by making mistakes. They need an adult who'll fix the mistake, and then
forgive them. Children need an adult who gives them unconditional love.
Adults who didn't receive unconditional love as a child spend the rest of their lives seeking
a partner to give them that. Such individuals include physical abuse survivors, substance
abusers, or individuals with mental illnesses.
When such individuals handle life poorly they test each new relationship. E.g., your new
lover steals $50,000 from you, totals your car, then has drunken sex with a stranger and
passes on a sexually transmitted disease to you. You might say, "That's OK, dear, I love
you no matter what you do." More likely, you end the relationship and your ex-partner
looks for a new lover.
Handled better, the individual seeks a brother or sister relationship. If you don't have a
sibling, ask a close friend to be your brother or sister. Explain the relationship you want.
And say what won't be in the relationship — e.g., borrowing money, loaning your car, or
having sex. The Greeks called this storge, or the love of brothers, sisters, or comrades who
have been through difficulties together.1

1 243 Rosenthal, Norman E. The Emotional Revolution: How The New Science Of Feelings Can Transform
Your Life (Citadel, 2002, ISBN 0-8065-2295-X), p. 268.

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12 Adolescence--Seeking Romantic Love

First, starting at around age eleven, an idealistic image of life grows in intensity through-
out the middle teens. Second, somewhere around age fourteen or fifteen a great expecta-
tion arises that "something tremendous is supposed to happen." Third, adolescents sense
a secret, unique greatness in themselves that seeks expression. They gesture toward the
heart when trying to express any of this, a significant clue to the whole affair.a

a Pearce, Joseph Chilton. Evolution's End: Claiming the Potential of Our Intelligence (Harper San
Francisco, 1992, ISBN 0-06-250732-X), p. 190.

Some adolescent boys are easy to understand. They seek approval for accomplishments.
They dream of winning the big game, playing guitar in a heavy metal band, and dating the
prettiest girl in the school. Some adolescent boys do not dream of dating the prettiest girl
in the school.
In folktales, adolescent boys go on quests for treasure. They overcome obstacles not by
force of will but instead by listening to advice from seemingly unimportant creatures. In
the end, they marry a princess.
Some adolescent girls are harder to understand. On the surface they seem to care only
about shopping, clothes, music, science, mathematics, and movies- and talking about boys.
Adolescent girls expend as much effort deciding what to approve as boys spend seeking
approval. Some girls do not do any of these things. But what mental processes do girls
use to approve something? (Contrary to popular belief, adolescent girls aren't sheep. They
don't buy stuff solely because their peers bought it.)
In folktales, an old woman imprisons a young woman in a tower, castle, or kitchen (the old
woman symbolizes the life stage the young woman is trying to grow out of-see page 207).
There the young woman passively waits for Prince Charming to recognize her beauty and
rescue her. This is a metaphor that women want men to see their inner beauty, that each
young woman feels that something stops men from seeing her emerging true nature, and
that women feel love when a man breaks through that barrier. When a man connects to
a woman's inner self, she gives her approval. Similarly, women give their approval when
clothes, music, or movies connect to their inner selves.
Adolescents give and receive conditional love-love for what makes an individual special.

12.1 Anima and Animus

You feel passionate love when you meet an individual who reflects the hidden, contrasexual
elements of your personality. Men feel passion when they meet women who reflect their

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Adolescence--Seeking Romantic Love

anima, or hidden feminine sides. Women feel passion when they meet men who reflect their
animus, or hidden masculine sides.
Meeting your anima or animus object makes you feel whole. You feel as if something's been
missing all your life, and now you have it.
You feel passionate love, but you don't love the other person. Instead, you love yourself, as
reflected in the mirror of the other person. Passionate love can take two courses. You can:
• Love your projected reflection. Sooner or later reality shatters your fantasy and ends the
relationship. You then repeat the cycle with other individuals.
• Try to become what you love about your object of desire. As you develop these hidden
elements of your personality, you need your partner less and less, and-ironically-your
object of desire likes you more and more.

12.2 Projection

You sometimes recognize an element of yourself in another individual. You then project
additional personality elements onto the person. You imagine your future life together. You
picture the beautiful home you'll share, the successful careers each will support in the other,
and the perfect children you'll raise.
Each additional element gives reality another opportunity to shatter your fantasy. Anything
your object of desire says or does differently destroys your invented world. Eventually,
everything your object of desire does hurts you, and you hate the person.
Archetypally, the imprisoned princess waits for her knight in shining armor. He'll solve all
of her problems, and then they'll marry and live happily ever after. Young women project
this ideal onto their lovers. But sooner or later, each woman sees reality. His armor is
dented and has rust patches. His horse has a bad leg. Dragons defeat him more often than
he defeats them. Her fantasy shatters. She's angry that he deceived her. He's stunned that
one day she loved him, and the next day she hates him.
Or the knight rescues the princess-then rides away to find another dragon to fight and
another princess to rescue (see "Becoming A Couple").

You used to stir my imagination. Now you don't even stir my curiosity. You simply
produce no effect. I loved you because you were marvelous, because you had genius and
intellect, because you realized the dreams of great poets and gave shape and substance
to the shadows of art. You have thrown it all away! You are shallow and stupid! My
god, how mad I was to love you! What a fool I have been. You are nothing to me now.
I will never see you again. I will never think of you. I will never mention your name.
You don't know what you were to me, once. Oh, I can't bear to think of it. I wish I had
never laid eyes upon you. You have spoiled the romance of my life.

Fear of intimacy

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 Projection

Some young adults aren't capable of intimate relationships. They fall in love with projected
images. Or they try to be someone else's projection. There's no intimacy because real
people never connect. Some young adults are capable of intimate relationships.
Intimacy scares some adolescents. Intimacy forces you to see parts of yourself that you
wish you didn't have. Weakness, stupidity, sexual ignorance or inadequacy, and other
faults come out in intimate relationships. Young adults break off a relationship rather
than experience their shadow aspects. Some adolescents are not scared by intimacy.
Young adults may think they're ready for an intimate relationship, but only with Mr. or
Ms. Right:

So many people save loving. I call them "emotional virgins." Save really giving their
heart away, surrendering, opening up, sharing, because they want to save it for the right
person. The problem is when the right person comes along you don't know anything
about loving.a

a De Angelis, Barbara. "Being the Perfect Lover In and Out of Bed," Coming Alive With Love (1985).

"Emotional virgins" fear showing their inner selves to anyone who doesn't perfectly mirror
their anima or animus. These individuals aren't ready to accept a real partner.
Unrequited love
When a teenage boy projects his anima onto a girl, the girl does things other than what
he projects she'll do. The version in his head and the real girl conflict. This upsets him.
He's happier loving her from a distance. If she likes him, she can't understand why he
stops calling her when she starts paying attention to him. If she dislikes him, she finds it
creepy that the boy has fantasies about her.
Adolescent mania is unrequited as often as it's mutual. Young men average three unre-
quited loves between 16 and 20. Young women average only 1.6 unrequited loves between
16 and 20.1 I.e., teenage boys are less successful at love than teenage girls.
Traditional relationships
Projection can work if you accept traditional gender roles. Projection can work if you
don't accept traditional gender roles.
Traditionally, men don't develop feminine skills (e.g., cooking) or feminine emotions (e.g.,
nurturing). A traditional man marries a woman who embodies these underdeveloped
aspects of himself.
Conversely, a traditional woman doesn't develop a career, or use masculine emotions, e.g.,
assertiveness. She marries a man who'll do these things for her.
Together, a traditional couple can be one complete person, and enjoy a fulfilling relation-
ship. A traditional relationship can enable a man to fully develop his masculine side, e.g.,
excel at his career. A woman can fully develop her feminine side, e.g., excel as a mother.
Such a relationship can last a lifetime. Such a relationship might also fail. Note that

1 Hill, C.A. Owen Blakemore, J.E., Drumm, P. "Mutual and unrequited love in adolescence and young
adulthood," Personal Relationships 4 (1997), 15-23.

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Adolescence--Seeking Romantic Love

homosexual relationships can also work out as well and that it is possible for females to
have a career.

12.3 Becoming Your Object of Desire

Instead of imagining your wonderful life with your object of desire, manifest your dream
without the person. Ironically, this will make the other person want you.
E.g., a woman has a good job and a stable life. She's attracted to a jazz musician. His
improvisations loft her emotions to heights she's never experienced. She wishes she could
do that, but tells herself that she can't.
They date. She finds that he's impoverished. Her first reaction is to offer the elements of
her personality that she's aware and proud of. She tells him that if he marries her, he'll get
health insurance. He isn't moved to propose.
He offers her the elements of his personality that he's aware and proud of. He asks her, on
the spur of the moment, to accompany him to Jazz Fest in New Orleans. She can't take
vacation time from work without six months planning.
They need opposite partners. But they fear exposing their weaknesses. Instead each wants
to share what he or she is most proud of.
Instead, each should ask the other for help developing his or her weaknesses. E.g., she's
always wanted to sing. She could ask him to give her voice lessons. He'll feel that she's
becoming the type of woman he wants.
He could appreciate her ability to go to work every day. He could ask her to manage his
career. She'll feel that he's becoming the type of man she wants.
After she develops her singing she may no longer need him. After he's a financial success
he may no longer need her. Or they may marry. Either way, they'll live happily ever after.
Identifying why you feel attracted to an individual is difficult. In contrast, explaining
why your object of desire should want you is easy. Have a mutual friend ask each of you
(separately) why each person should want the other. (Hint: ask a gay or lesbian friend,
who understands both masculine and feminine thinking patterns.)
"Cute and Quirky" Becomes Annoying. Psychologists say that the #1 complaint in marital
counseling is that the "cute and quirky" qualities that attracted the partners to each other
became annoying after the wedding. E.g., a shy but dependable man marries an outgoing,
impulsive woman. He envies her ability to have fun. She admires his steady work ethic. But
after they marry, she wants to go out in the evenings. He prefers to stay in. Compromising
wasn't a problem when they dated a few nights a week, but now they have to compromise
every night.
Ideally, he grows more like her, e.g., enjoying social dance classes. She grows more like him,
e.g., taking night classes at a community college.

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 Developing an Adult Identity

12.4 Developing an Adult Identity

The first crisis typically hits during our early 20s...We either don't know what we want to do
with ourselves (start up a cyber-chic website? go to law school?) or can't seem to transform
our idea of what we want to do into reality (how does one become a world-famous travel
writer who journeys from one land of lush to another investigating such intriguing topics
as orangutan rehabilitation in Bukit Lawang?). If we base our entire identity on vague or
unobtainable plans due to lack of experience, we are ripe for crisis...

The second crisis usually hits during our mid to late 20s. After we've established a
crude model of adulthood by which we've been living, we finally regain enough strength
lost from our first crisis to acknowledge that the model we've created is not working.
Various external influences typically propel the second identity crash: a friend gets a
huge promotion...or the guy we thought we one day might marry goes on a three-day
"vision quest" in the Rockies, comes back, and breaks up with us...or a friend gets
pregnant, and due to pheromone influences beyond our control, we are overwrought
by primal urges to get married and procreate, making us burst into tears at the mere
thought of buying tiny baby socks.a

a Bourland, Julia. The Go-Girl Guide: Surviving Your 20s With Savvy, Soul, and Style (Contemporary
Books, 2000, ISBN 0809224763), 166-167.

When I grow up I'll be stable...a

a Garbage, "Version 2.0" (Uni/Almo Sounds, 1998, ASIN B000006NZV).

The primary work of adolescents and young adults is to develop adult identities. In high
school, they make new friends. They try different sports or hobbies. In college, they consider
different majors or careers. Maybe they try different sexual experiences. After college, they
move to different neighborhoods or cities.
By 26, most individuals have a job, a relationship, and a community. They've created their
first full adult identities. But they're unhappy with at least one aspect of their lives. E.g.,
an individual may have a good job, but is unhappy with her relationship. Or she may have
the partner she wants to spend the rest of her life with, and a job she can't take another
minute of.
Between 26 and 30, individuals change at least one aspect of their identities. If you want to
marry a 26-year-old, be open to a career change or a move across the country. By 30, most
individuals are comfortable with their identities and ready to settle down in a committed,
long-term relationship.
Be wary of individuals who didn't go through identity crises as a young adult, e.g., a 30-
year-old doctor who wanted to be a doctor since she was five. Individuals who don't have
these identity crises when they're young have worse identity crises later in life, after they've
made commitments to career, marriage, or children.

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Adolescence--Seeking Romantic Love

12.4.1 Too Little Adult Identity

Men and women emphasize their similarities to attract mates. Younger people, lacking
strong identities, easily adapt themselves -sometimes by lying-to another person's likes and
dislikes. Without a fully developed adult identity, everyone will love you, because whatever
they are, you are too. Other people will easily project their ideals onto you.
Without an adult identity, you won't be able to say no to suggestions. You won't do
unpleasant but necessary work. You can't hold down a job or work out problems in a
relationship.

12.4.2 Too Much Adult Identity

Too strong an identity can make you unable to adapt to a changing world. An inflexible
person can't learn and grow. Such a person can't adjust or subsume his or her identity to
form a dyad as a couple (see "Dyad Trouble," page 150).
A strong, clear identity is difficult for others to project onto, so few people will feel adolescent
mania for you.
Adjust your identity when you get something you want, e.g., a new job or relationship.
Bringing your old identity into the new situation may get you into trouble. When a change
is undesired, you're more "on guard" to look for ways that you'll need to change.

The most dangerous moment comes with victory.a

a http://www.cyber-nation.com/victory/quotations/authors/quotes_bonaparte_napoleon.
html

12.4.3 Integrity

A well-chosen adult identity fits your personality and fits the world around you.
An adult identity that doesn't fit your personality causes mental illness or depression. E.g.,
a man who's outgoing, fun-loving, and gregarious becomes depressed if he chooses a solitary
career. A woman who enjoys quiet solitude develops anxiety disorders if she chooses to be
a paramedic in a violent city.
An adult identity that doesn't fit the world around you causes separation from society,
or alienation. If you choose a career for which there are no jobs (e.g., poet), or dress
outlandishly or slovenly, or cultivate anti-social eccentricities (e.g., refusing to enter rooms
with fluorescent lights), you won't receive material or social rewards. I.e., you'll be poor
and lonely.
Integrity is the fusion of your public and personal selves. Whether you're a celebrity or a
garbage collector, people will respect you. Buddhists call this "right livelihood."

86
 Adolescent Friendship

12.4.4 Interpersonal vs. Inner Conflict

Traditional societies had fixed roles for farmers, blacksmiths, ministers, etc. (and for their
wives and daughters). Our ancestors may have felt oppressed when faced with no choices,
predictable futures, and pressure to conform. Identity crises caused interpersonal conflict.
E.g., if the son of a tailor didn't want to be a tailor, he rebelled against his father.
Our society allows anyone to be anything. Parents no longer pressure their children into
careers or arrange marriages. The world is changing so fast that following in your parents'
footsteps no longer works-you'll likely change careers two or three times in your life. And
whatever lifestyle you choose, you can find people who'll accept you, e.g., a lesbian triathlete
stockbroker can move to San Francisco and find other lesbian triathlete stockbrokers.
Identity crises now produce inner conflicts, instead of interpersonal conflicts. Facing un-
limited choices, uncertain futures, and minimal parental guidance, we have no one to rebel
against but ourselves.

12.5 Adolescent Friendship

Did you ever stop to think that a dog is the only animal that doesn't have to work for
a living? A hen has to lay eggs, a cow has to give milk, and a canary has to sing. But
a dog makes his living by giving nothing but love.a

a Carnegie, Dale. How to Win Friends & Influence People (Pocket Books, 1936, ISBN 0-671-72365-0),
p. 53.

Dogs give what the Greeks called ludus, or the enjoyment of each other's company.2 Your
dog enjoys being with you. You enjoy being with your dog. To win friends and influence
people, be enjoyable to be with.
Your best friends are likely individuals you worked with or lived with. Choose a job where
you'll work with people. Instead of living alone, share your home with several housemates.
The opposite of ludus is obligation. If you visit Aunt Millie only out of obligation, send her
to a Dale Carnegie seminar.

12.5.1 Equality

Friendship requires equality. It's easy to be friends with individuals whom we're told are our
equals, e.g., our college roommates. It's harder to be friends when we don't have equality
thrust upon us.
To make friends with an individual more powerful than yourself, make it clear that you
don't need the person's help. To be friends with an individual less powerful than yourself,
make it clear that you won't help him or her.

2 Rosenthal, Norman E. The Emotional Revolution: How The New Science Of Feelings Can Transform Your
Life (Citadel, 2002, ISBN 0-8065-2295-X), p. 268.

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Adolescence--Seeking Romantic Love

A fast way to lose a friend is to act superior, or inferior.

12.5.2 Confusing Friends and Lovers

Sometimes a woman refers to the man she's having a sexual relationship with as her "friend."
This communicates lack of commitment. She's either sleeping with more than one "friend,"
or she's dissatisfied with her "friend" and is looking for a better man (see "Boyfriend Lies3 ").
Either way, if your lover refers to you as a "friend," it's time to have an "our relationship"
talk.
Don't have sex with your friends. This usually isn't a problem for heterosexuals, but for
gays and lesbians it's a likely way to lose your friends. Friendships last longer than romantic
love. Breaking off a love affair kills a friendship.

3 Chapter 9.3.11 on page 75

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13 Adulthood--Families And Forgiveness

An adult sees his real partner, not a mirror reflecting himself. He sees his partner's faults,
and loves her despite her shortcomings. The ancient Greeks called this love pragma. Psy-
chologists call it intimacy. Christians call it forgiveness.

The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved-loved for ourselves, or
rather, loved in spite of ourselves.a

a E-mailed from Joe Kalinowski.

Adults give their partners space. E.g., on weekends he flies his glider. She goes to horse
shows. They accept their differences. They lack the passion of 19-year-olds, but their
relationship is stable.
When the knight becomes king and the princess becomes queen, their attention turns to-
wards their kingdom. Adult partners focus not on each other, but on their family. If they
don't have children, they may start a business together, or create art or music.

Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking together in the same
direction.

13.1 30s: Stuck Between Adolescence and Adulthood

Thirtysomething individuals can become stuck between adolescent mania and adult pragma.
They're quick to see a potential partner's faults, and can't accept an imperfect partner.
They want passionate love, but have outgrown the adolescent style of projecting ideals onto
partners.
Such thirtysomethings reject partners who embody their hidden personality elements, and
reject partners who don't. E.g., a man believes that "real men don't cry." Emotionally
expressive women scare him, and he rejects them. Emotionally controlled women don't
make him feel passion, so he also rejects them.

By the time I got to 35, I had been disappointed enough times in a row that I was better
at ruling men out than ruling them in.

He swears off dating, because every relationship ends in disappointment. He'll accept only
a perfect woman, in a passionate relationship. No woman meets his standards. He can see
faults, but he can't accept faults. Our society encourages men stuck here to focus on career,
sports, or hobbies.

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Adulthood--Families And Forgiveness

Women stuck here expect that "Mr. Right" will magically appear, without the woman
making any effort. Or the woman becomes a "man hater." Our society encourages women
to blame men for their unhappiness.

13.2 Adult Friendship

Friendships determine success more than education or hard work.1 Successful people have
hundreds of friends. Friends connect us to new worlds of people. An individual with a wide
variety of friends will accomplish more, with less effort, by asking the right person for help
in any situation.
Adults create friendships by drawing boundaries. Boundaries draw people into parts of your
life, as well as exclude them from other parts. Successful individuals quickly draw the right
boundaries around new acquaintances.
Boundaries enable unequal adults to be friends (unlike unequal adolescents). E.g., a CEO
and a janitor can be buddies on their company softball team-and return to their usual
distance at work.
Rivals draw clear boundaries. Individuals can be rivals in one area, and friends in another.
The Internet is a boundary. It's easy to form friendships on-line, e.g., chatting on a discus-
sion forum. Few on-line friendships become "real world" friendships. There's nothing wrong
with that. On-line friends are another category, just as you have work friends, neighborhood
friends, family friends, etc.

13.3 Companionate Marriages

In a companionate marriage, the couple shares careers, hobbies, friends, etc. Companionate
couples also share parenting responsibilities.
Before 1970, companionate marriages were rare. In the past thirty years, this has become
the most common type of marriage.
The problem with companionate marriages is boundaries. Each of us needs to be an individ-
ual, as well as to be part of a dyad (see "Dyad Trouble," page 150). In traditional marriages,
the husband goes to work, the wife takes care of the home and the children, he goes to the
Moose Club to see his friends, her friends come over for a coffee klatch, etc. The boundaries
between individual and dyad are clearly drawn. But in companionate marriages, unclear
boundaries can lead to one (or both) partners feeling a loss of individuality. In general, this
makes the husband unhappy, if the couple is young, or the wife feels unhappy, if they're
older (young men and older women value their independence).
Companionate couples should draw boundaries to spend some time apart. E.g., on weekends
he flies his glider, and she goes to horse shows.

1 Gladwell, Malcolm. The Tipping Point: How Little Things Can Make A Big Difference (Little, Brown,
2000, ISBN 0-316-31696-2).

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 Your Village of Relationships

13.4 Your Village of Relationships

On my first visit home [to West Africa] after moving to the United States, I told my
mother that just [my husband] and I lived in our house. To her, living like this was
inconceivable; she thought I was crazy. It meant that we were getting no outside energy
to support and strengthen our relationship. We were basically left with the impossible
task of figuring things out on our own. In my own marriage, I now bring as many people
as I can into the relationship....When you don't have a community of friends and family
involved in a relationship, you base all your intimate expectations on your marriage.
And that is too much to ask of any relationship. Of course, your partner is your friend
and family, but to get everything from one person is impossible.a

a Some, Sobonfu E. The Spirit of Intimacy (Quill, 2000, ISBN 0688175791).

After more than a half-century of marriage, I can tell you that it is important to realize
early on that no one person can give you everything that you want or need.a

a Crittenden, Danielle. What Our Mothers Didn't Teach Us: Why Happiness Eludes the Modern
Woman (Simon & Schuster, 1999, ISBN 0684832194), p. 110.

The ancient Greeks had six words for love:

• Mania, or adolescent passion
• Eros, or sexual attraction
• Pragma, or adult commitment and care giving
• Storge, brotherly, sisterly, and comradely love
• Ludus, friendship (page 83)
• Agape, the altruistic love of all creatures (page 88).
As we mature through each stage of our lives, we need-and give-different types of love. And
each of us is more mature in some ways, and less mature in other ways. E.g., an individual
may act maturely at work, but revert to adolescence when dating.

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14 Agape--Altruistic Love

In 1993, 46-year-old former Wyoming cattle rancher, Grateful Dead lyricist, and founder of
the Electronic Frontier Foundation John Perry Barlow fell in love with 28-year-old psychi-
atrist Cynthia Horner. A year later she died unexpectedly. In 1997, This American Life
radio host Ira Glass interviewed Barlow:
Ira Glass: Now that you've had this experience with her, do you find that you have this
experience all the time in a smaller form, where you'll meet a group of strangers, and there'll
be one whose eyes strike you, and you think OK, this person, I could see a part of this thing.
John Perry Barlow: Absolutely. I feel an ability to attach on a moment-to-moment basis
that is completely unlike anything that I felt prior to that. And I think it's a little discon-
certing to other people because it's genuine on my side, and people are not used to having
somebody just dock emotionally that instantaneously. I feel like I can see their souls, you
know, their souls are visible to me.
In an adult relationship, you see your partner's good qualities, accept his or her faults, and
emotionally connect. After you learn to do this with one person, you can connect with other
people.
Traditionally, a man and woman who passionately love each other produce children, whom
the parents passionately love. I.e., passionately loving one individual leads to passionately
loving other individuals.
Religions teach individuals to feel passionate, non-sexual love for an abstract being, and
then extend that love to other people. I.e., love for a deity helps them feel altruistic love
for other people. The Greeks called this passionate, non-sexual, altruistic love agape.

93
15 Practical Advice

95
16 Where Couples Met

The #1 place people meet their spouses is "Other" (see Figure 3: Where Couples Met).1
I.e., one-third of couples met in places where no other couples met. E.g., if you're an African
explorer, you're more likely to meet your spouse while exploring Africa, and less likely to
find your spouse in a Chicago singles bar.
School and work are the next-most common meeting locations (15-20%). Parties and bars
are good for short-term (less than one month) sexual relationships (17-25%) and not bad
for marriages (8-10%).
Churches are good for meeting marriage partners (11%), and poor for meeting short-term
sex partners (1%). (This contradicts another dating advice book, which says that women
in church singles clubs want sex "like bunnies."2 This may apply only to certain churches.
The book didn't specify where to find the best sects.)
Personal ads and singles cruises are poor places to meet anyone. Less than 1% of married
couples met via a personal ad or on vacation.
To meet a relationship partner at work, work at an occupation with opposite-sex co-workers.
Organize social events outside work, e.g., company picnics or a co-ed softball team.
E.g., a male engineer works with other men. He signs up for community college evening
classes in child development. The other child development students are women. After
taking a few classes, he does a part-time internship at a daycare center. The other daycare
workers are women. And he finds that many of the customers are divorced mothers. Plus
he gets to build cool things with Lego.
E.g., a female daycare worker works with other women. She signs up at the community
college for engineering classes. She enjoys drawing, and finds that she's good at drafting.
Then she finds that draftspersons are paid twice what daycare workers earn.
To compare male and female percentages in over 200 occupations, see the Statistical Ab-
stract of the United States, by the U.S. Department of Commerce (available in libraries
or download free from http://www.census.gov/statab/www/). Look for the table "Em-
ployed Civilians, by Occupation, Sex, Race, and Hispanic Origin" (Table 588 in the 2002 edi-
tion). This table also provides racial statistics, if you want to meet, e.g., African-American
men or Hispanic women. FYI, in 2001, engineering was 90% male and 91% white; child
care providers were 97% female and 19% Hispanic.

1 Laumann, Edward O., Gagnon, John H., Michael, Robert T., Michaels, Stuart. The Social Organization
Of Sexuality: Sexual Practices In The United States (University of Chicago, 1994, ISBN 0-226-46957-3),
p. 235.
2 Louis, R., Copeland, D. How to Succeed With Women (Prentice Hall, 1998, ISBN 0735200300).

97
Where Couples Met

To meet potential partners in school, take classes in which you interact with your class-
mates. Some business schools teach teamwork and leadership skills via group projects.
Some progressive universities encourage instructors to include experiential segments (e.g.,
interactive games) in each class.
If you take an old-fashioned sit-in-a-lecture-then-write-a-paper course, organize a study
group outside of class. If you're an older man, be a benevolent king. Don't try to "fit in"
with the undergraduates. Show the students how to use the library (instead of the Discovery
Channel). Coach them through oral presentations. Help them work as a team.

16.1 Who Introduced Couples

Friends are the primary introducers (35-40%) of couples of all types (see Figure 4: Who
Introduced Couples).3 The section "Adult Friendship4 " shows how to increase your circle
of friends.
Self-introductions are also important (32-47%). The researchers didn't specify whether
successful relationships more often began when men introduced themselves to women, or
vice versa.
Family members are good for helping you meet potential marriage partners (15%), but poor
for helping you meet short-term sexual partners (3%). Take your mom to Festa Italiana or
Irish Fest or Jewish Community Day. She'll find half a dozen mothers with children for you
to meet.

16.2 Similarity and Dissimilarity

Couples are 70-90% similar regarding racial or ethnic group, education, age, and religion
(see Figure 5: Similarity of Couples).5
But this doesn't mean that similarity attracts. Rather, race, education, age, and religion
facilitate meeting. I.e., you're likely to meet individuals your age who go to your school and
attend your church.
In the 1930s, most couples lived within ten blocks of each other when they met.6 Improved
transportation has widened our circles for meeting people, but we still tend to meet people
who live in our neighborhoods. Because most neighborhoods aren't racially integrated, race
is a surrogate for living in the same neighborhood (i.e., it would be interesting to study
whether racially mixed neighborhoods produce more mixed-race couples).

3 Laumann, Edward O., Gagnon, John H., Michael, Robert T., Michaels, Stuart. The Social Organization
Of Sexuality: Sexual Practices In The United States (University of Chicago, 1994, ISBN 0-226-46957-3),
p. 235.
4 Chapter 13.2 on page 90
5 Laumann, Edward O., Gagnon, John H., Michael, Robert T., Michaels, Stuart. The Social Organization
Of Sexuality: Sexual Practices In The United States (University of Chicago, 1994, ISBN 0-226-46957-3),
p. 255; Michael, Robert T., Gagnon, John H., Laumann, Edward O., Kolata, Gina. Sex In America: A
Definitive Survey (Little Brown, 1994, ISBN 0-316-07524-8), p. 46.
6 Vandenburg, S.G. "Assortative mating, or who marries whom?" Behavior Genetics, 2, 127-158.

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 Where to Meet Single Men and Women

Married couples are dissimilar in more ways than they're similar, especially for factors
that don't facilitate meeting. E.g., couples are, on average, dissimilar for personality types.
Couples are also dissimilar for IQ tests, attitudes and opinions (e.g., whether mothers should
work outside the home), hobbies and social activities, parents' economic class, physical
and mental health, height, weight, hair color, eye color, physical attractiveness, exercise,
vocabulary, day or night person, preferred foods, number of brothers and sisters, and birth
order (some of these studies were conducted before 1970 and may be out of date, especially
considering the post-1970 rise of companionate marriages, described on page 87).7
The section "Pheromones8 " showed that similarity attracts for friendship, and opposites
attract for sex.

16.3 Where to Meet Single Men and Women

Psychologists had seminary students write speeches on the topic of "The Good Samaritan."
After finishing their speeches, each student was sent to another building to read the speech
to an audience.
Between the buildings was an alley. In the alley was an actor pretending to be a disheveled
man in need of assistance.
Half the students were told they were late and must hurry. These students ignored the
man's pleas for help.
The other students were told they had plenty of time. These students stopped to help the
man.
The psychologists concluded that simple changes in context powerfully alter individual
behavior. In this and other experiments, psychologists have gotten individuals to do the
opposite of their normal or professed behavior.9
Meeting Mr. or Ms. Right won't do you any good if he or she (or you) isn't thinking
about romance. E.g., if you're in a hurry you'll walk right past Mr./Ms. Right, just as the
seminary students walked past the man in need of help. Instead, meet partners in places
where singles think about romance, when they're thinking about romance.

16.3.1 The Best Place to Meet Men

To meet lifeguards, take the American Red Cross lifeguarding course. To meet Outward
Bound instructors, take a Wilderness First Responder course. To meet firefighters, take an
Emergency Medical Technician course. The classes are stressful, so you get to know and
respect each other. Plus the classes are "hands on" each other! And what you learn may
save a life. Call your local Red Cross chapter or visit redcross.org10

7 Vandenburg, S.G. "Assortative mating, or who marries whom?" Behavior Genetics, 2, 127-158.
8 Chapter 8.4 on page 61
9 Gladwell, Malcolm. The Tipping Point: How Little Things Can Make A Big Difference (Little, Brown,
2000, ISBN 0-316-31696-2), 164-166.
10 http://www.redcross.org

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Where Couples Met

Cycling club membership is often 85% male. Cycling combines a love of healthy outdoor
exercise and adventure with mechanical aptitude.
Another way to meet men is to select a club that sounds fun. All the things men do have
organizations. E.g., to meet men who drive BMW motorcycles, go to the BMW Motorcycle
Owners Association website. E-mail your local club president, asking to be a passenger on
the next ride.

16.3.2 The Best Place to Meet Women

Actresses are interesting, fun, unconventional-and beautiful. Meet them in acting classes or
community theater.
Acting classes are scheduled playtime. You'll learn games to play with your nieces and
nephews.
Acting classes improve your entertainment skills. You'll develop confidence in expressing
emotions. You'll memorize poems (pick romantic ones). You'll discover that you can sing-
and then women will show you what swoon means. Acting classes will make you more
attractive to women.
Acting (and creative writing) classes show you each student's inner character. The gorgeous
woman that you lusted after from day one will read a poem that makes you gag. The woman
you didn't notice for the first three weeks will perform a scene that moves your heart.

16.4 Two Contradictory Rules for Attracting Women

In the chapter "How Women Select Men11 ," you learned that women prefer "alpha" males,
i.e., a man who is a leader or good at what he does.
But my experience has been that I don't meet women doing things I'm good at, e.g., running
marathons or designing electronic circuitboards. I meet more women-and the women are
interested in me-when I do something I'm bad at, e.g., dance classes. Russian women think
I'm adorable when I try to conjugate __ _______ __ _________ _ ________
______.
Women like men who aren't afraid to show their soft and vulnerable side. This brings out
their nurturing instinct (see "Demeter," page 205). But stay confident and have fun.

16.5 Man Shortage or Woman Shortage?

In 1986, Newsweek reported that a single, college-educated 40-year-old woman was more
likely to be killed by a terrorist than to find a husband. (The author of that article later
said that this statement was facetious hyperbole.)

11 Chapter 4 on page 13

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 Man Shortage or Commitment Shortage?

In 2001, the Wall Street Journal reported that men in their late 30s and early 40s will soon
outnumber women five to ten years younger by two to one.12
Is there a "man shortage," as Newsweek reported? Or is there a "woman shortage," as the
Wall Street Journal reported?
Slightly more boys are born than girls, but slightly more boys and young men die. Around
25, men and women are equally numerous.13
Because women (on average) live longer than men, old women outnumber old men. Also,
men tend to marry women two or three years younger (in North America), and four to
five years younger (in much of the rest of the world). These factors cause a shortage of
unmarried younger women, and a shortage of unmarried older men. But this effect is small
(under 5%) until you're over 50 years old.
Birth rates vary over 40-year cycles (see Figure 6: Birth Rates, 1909-1998).14 Newsweek
and the Wall Street Journal reported opposite effects because their stories were 15 years
apart.
The U.S. birth rate reached its lowest point in 1933. Prohibition ended that year. The birth
rate reached its highest point in 1957. The birth control pill was introduced that year. The
birth rate reached its next low point in 1973, and its next peak in 1990.
The "lucky" people are men born when the birth rate climbed (1933-1957, 1973-1990), and
women born when the birth rate fell (1957-1973, 1990-1997).

16.6 Man Shortage or Commitment Shortage?

Men and women react differently to shortages of marriage partners.

During a "woman shortage," women are more likely to marry. During a "man shortage,"
women are less likely to marry, due to lack of quality partners.
During a "man shortage," men are less likely to marry, and more likely to "play the field"
and have more relationships, with less commitment. During a "woman shortage," men are
more likely to marry and stay married.15
I.e., during a "woman shortage" (e.g., of women born between 1957 and 1973), both men
and women are more likely to marry. During a "man shortage" (e.g., of men born between
1933 and 1957), both men and women are less likely to marry. This partially explains the
decreasing marriage rate between 1970 and 1990.

12 Jeffrey, Nancy Ann. "The Woman Shortage," The Wall Street Journal, December 7, 2001, W1.
13 Statistical Abstract of the United States (U S. Department Of Commerce), Table 12, "Resident Population
by Age and Sex: 1980 to 1999." http://www.census.gov/prod/2001pubs/statab/sec01.pdf
14 2002 Statistical Abstract of the United States (U S. Department Of Commerce), Table 68, "Births and
Birth Rates, by Race, Sex, and Age: 1980 to 2000." 2000 Statistical Abstract of the United States (U
S. Department Of Commerce), Table 77, "Live Births, Deaths, Marriages, and Divorces." http://www.
census.gov/prod/2001pubs/statab/sec02.pdf; http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/t1x0197.pdf.
15 Lloyd, K.M., South, S.J. "Contextual Influences on Young Men's Transition to First Marriage," Social
Forces, 74 (1996), page 1099.

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Where Couples Met

16.7 Create Your Own Man- or Woman-Advantage

Creating your own man- or woman-advantage may be easier than you expect. Young men
and women selecting a university-or a major-can consider male/female ratios. Working
men and women can change careers (see "Where Couples Met16 "). Some one-industry
small towns have lopsided male/female ratios. E.g., Vail, Colorado is rumored to have an
eight-to-one male/female ratio among the young "ski bums" working at the resorts. Be
warned, however, that Vail women say, "the odds are good, but the goods are odd."17
An older person can always create a man- or woman-advantage by dating individuals
younger than him- or herself. Married people go "off the market," so single younger people
always outnumber single older people, no matter your age or sex.
E.g., 25-to-29-year-old men who want to marry same-age women face five-to-four odds
(1.22/1 ratio) against the men. But by dating 20-to-24-year-old women, the odds reverse
and improve to three-to-four (1/1.3) in favor of the men.18
40-to-44-year-old unmarried men find equal numbers of unmarried women their age, and
the same equality when dating women five years younger.
At age 45 and above, the advantage goes to men, whether they seek same-age or younger
women. Unmarried men over 55 have a two-to-one advantage over women, both same-age
and ten years younger.

16 Chapter 16 on page 97
17 Powder Burn.
18 Statistical Abstract of the United States (U S. Department Of Commerce), Table 55, "Marital Status of
the Population by Sex and Age: 1999." http://www.census.gov/prod/2001pubs/statab/sec01.pdf

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17 Flirting

According to the "the rules," women sit by the phone waiting for men to call. Each woman
then chooses a suitor to take her out on a date, or, eventually, to marry. The conventional
wisdom is that "men court, then women choose."
Reality is the opposite. Female monkeys initiate more than 80% of matings.1 In singles
bars and at parties, women initiate two-thirds of flirting interactions.2
Women who follow "the rules" and passively wait get the 20% of men that other women
don't want often find that "the good ones are taken" by women who take an active role in
courtship.
Instead, a woman should choose the man she wants to court her -"women choose, then men
court." E.g., the French romantic comedy Amélie charmed audiences with a young woman
pursuing a young man-by making him pursue her.

17.1 Babysitting Lessons

I was once asked to babysit a five-year-old girl and a three-year-old boy. The children didn't
know me. We went out in their backyard. The girl threw dirty water from their wading
pool on me. I told her to stop. She threw mud on me.
I got the message. I went to the far corner of the backyard and played alone in the sandbox.
Within a minute the boy came over. We played with the trucks, loading and unloading sand
and pebbles, making truck sounds, but not talking. After ten minutes the girl came over.
She didn't want to play with trucks, but insisted that we play with her. We invented a
game to play in the front yard, and played happily all afternoon.
Adult women act like the five-year-old girl. If an unfamiliar man approaches a woman, her
reaction is, "I don't know you. Go away. Leave me alone." Even a man who has been with
his girlfriend for years will sometimes have trouble making her open up in the way she does
with her own grilfriends.
For example, a woman came to our running club. I asked her questions on the run out-
"Where are you from" "Where do you work," etc. Her answers were monosyllabic. On the
run back a woman asked her the same questions-and she happily chatted away, answering
in long paragraphs.

1 Nelson, Randy J. An Introduction to Behavioral Endocrinology, Second Edition (Sinauer Associates, 2000,
ISBN 0878936165), p. 296.
2 Lott, Deborah A. "The New Flirting Game" Psychology Today, January/February 1999, p. 117.

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Flirting

Some women are friendly, easily talk to men, and right away make you feel that they
genuinely like you. These women are all married to great, loving husbands, and for good
reason. This suggests what the most important relationship skills are for women!
To get a shy woman to "open up" and become friendly, do something fun with other people.
She'll watch at first, and then want to join in. E.g., on the run, if I'd happily chatted with
a group of men and women (instead of trying to talk to her alone), she would've wanted to
join our discussion.
If you play softball, don't interrupt a group of women talking, to ask one woman if she
wants to practice catching pop-ups. Instead, hit pop-ups for another man to catch. Laugh
and make it look fun. Sooner or later, you'll notice a woman quietly watching you, waiting
for an invitation. Invite her to join in.

17.2 Flirt with Everyone

Flirting is making a person feel good. Make eye contact, smile, compliment, and then make
the person feel special. You can also use mirroring strategy where you subtly imitate the
person's movements and establish a common connection.
Don't limit your flirting to attractive, single persons of the opposite sex. Make everyone
you meet feel good about themselves. Compliment old men, women pushing strollers in the
park, the person behind you in the supermarket line, and your in-laws.
When you meet an attractive, single person of the opposite sex, you'll feel more confident.
The rest of the time you'll make friends.

Don't wait until you're in love to start loving in your life. Don't wait until you're in love
to practice being attentive, to practice giving.a

a De Angelis, Barbara. "Being the Perfect Lover In and Out of Bed," Coming Alive With Love (1985).

Begin with waiters and waitresses. If you say the wrong thing, leave a big tip.
Go out with a same-sex friend (e.g., a man goes out with a male friend). This makes it
easier to flirt with two persons of the opposite sex (e.g., two women). After an interaction,
discuss with your friend what you did right and wrong.

17.3 Peek-a-Boo

At a restaurant, catch the eye of a toddler. Then hide behind your menu. The kid will grin
and excitedly play peek-a-boo with you.
Human brains are wired to play peek-a-boo. We love attention. Peek-a-boo is how we
attract another person's attention.
Spy thrillers are full of peek-a-boo games. We love it when a mild-mannered character
removes his disguise and reveals himself as James Bond.

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 "Speed Dating"

Play peek-a-boo to meet singles. Make eye contact from a distance, and then look away.
Hide behind something or someone. Repeat the eye contact-then-hide cycle for several
minutes.
Women play peek-a-boo more subtly than men. If you're a man, don't get discouraged if
your object of desire seems to have only the slightest interest in you. If you're a woman,
don't be too subtle. E.g., making eye contact via your compact's mirror won't register with
most guys.
If you see two women or a group of women, or two men or a group of men, you can't
approach and start talking to one individual. Instead, write a note on your business card.
Tip your server $20 to give your card to your object of desire. Your note should tell him or
her to meet you in another room, out of sight of his or her companions, in five minutes.3

17.4 "Speed Dating"

Nobody understands a damn word Deepak Chopra says, but it's who he's being that's
just kind of mesmerizing.a

a Ford, Arielle. The Complete Book Publicity Workshop, The Ford Group, 1250 Prospect Street, Suite
Ocean 5, La Jolla, CA 92037; http://www.fordsisters.com/bookpublicity.html

7% of what an audience remembers about a talk show guest is his or her words. 93% of
what they remember is what lawyers call demeanor. Psychologists call it affect. Actors call
it attitude.
A Los Angeles group has made dating like talk shows. In "speed dating," participants meet
for seven minutes. Then a bell rings, and they move to the next numbered table. In ninety
minutes, each participant gets seven speed dates. About 50% of participants get a real date
afterwards.
"Speed dating" may sound harsh, but it's what everyone does. Communicating "the real
you" in seven minutes or less isn't possible via verbal communication alone. Communicate
via your clothes, body language, eyes, and voice.

17.5 Compliments

Giving compliments costs you nothing, and wins friends.

Compliment the person's smile. Then smile. This will make the person smile. You'll look
more attractive when you smile. Smiling will make the other person feel happy.
Compliment the person's eyes. This reminds you to make eye contact. Look into the
person's eyes long enough to mentally note his or her eye color.

3 "Korean Club Scene: How Guys and Gals Use Cupids for Hire," The Wall Street Journal, 01/09/2002

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Flirting

Compliment the person's name. This help you remember the person's name. Associate
the person's name with an interesting fact, e.g., ask how his or her name is spelled (e.g.,
Rebecca vs. Rebekah), the ethnic origin, or the meaning of the name. Ask if the person
is related to a celebrity with the same last name. Read a history of your area to learn the
names of local heroes and historical figures.
Compare the person to a celebrity. But make sure the celebrity is physically attractive, and
the right age. Don't tell a woman that she reminds you of Ally McBeal, or tell a man under
sixty that he reminds you of Sean Connery.
Avoid compliments about things you're competing on. Avoid compliments that put yourself
down. E.g., you lose a tennis game. Don't say, "Your serve is strong! I could never serve
as well as you." This puts the person in a difficult position. If he insists that your serve
is good, he's impolitely rejecting your compliment. If he accepts your compliment, he's
impolitely agreeing that you'll never serve well.
The best, most difficult compliment is to compliment what embarrasses the person. E.g.,
if a well-dressed woman is driving a beat-up old car, say that she looks like a woman that
blues musicians write songs about. Then improvise a blues song about her beautiful looks
and her clunker car. The person feels embarrassment when you point out a fault. Then he
or she feels good when you say that the fault is attractive.
Lastly, listen for extraordinary things people have done, then reflect this back to them. This
is a listening skill, not a talking skill. Everyone thinks that their lives are ordinary. E.g., a
man who flies jet fighters thinks of himself as an ordinary fighter pilot.

17.6 Transition Points

People are open to new relationships when they're at transition points. Transition points
include:
• Starting college.
• Moving to a new city.
• Starting a new job.
• Moving to a new apartment.
• Buying a new car.
Transition points make people less critical of each other. E.g., a woman has graduated from
college, found a good job, rented a cool apartment, and bought her first new car! In six
months she'll be bored with the job, hate the cockroaches, and her car will leak oil. But
now everything is new and wonderful. She feels that she's "on a roll." If a man walks into
her life, she'll think he's another great part of her new life.
In contrast, a 34-year-old divorcée with two children, a house she's lived in for six years, a car
she's driven for eight years, and a job she's had for ten years will be harder to date. Dating
disrupts her routine. The annoyance of the disruption overrules the possible enjoyment of
a new romance.
To meet new people, create a transition point in your life.

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 Making a Date

17.7 Making a Date

Ask for a date directly. Don't ask vague or indirect questions. Playing games invites the
person to lie or play games.
Don't accept a vague or indirect answer. E.g., you're looking forward to an event. You ask
a person out. The person says "maybe," meaning "no." You hear "maybe," meaning yes.
Two weeks later, you figure out that "maybe" meant "no." But now it's too late to ask
anyone else out. If a person says "maybe," or doesn't return your call or e-mail, assume
that the person means "no." Ask someone else out.
If the person says "no," thank him or her for the clear answer.
Telephone Numbers
Ask for a telephone number or e-mail address.
A man should offer his card, but shouldn't expect a woman to call. A man should never
give a work or voicemail number. This suggests that he's married and trying to trick her.
A woman concerned about her privacy or safety should rent a voicemail box, or give out
her e-mail address.
Business Cards
A man's business card should communicate status. He should ask his supervisor to give
him a more impressive job title. Or add a title given by a professional association. Or hire
a graphic designer to create a beautiful card.
A man should write his home telephone number on his business card when giving it to a
woman. He should add his home address so she can drive by and see what his house looks
like.
E-mail Addresses and Personal Websites
Use an e-mail address that identifies your gender and age, e.g., "Ernie1959." Build a
personal website with information about yourself, your photo, etc. Put the URL in your
e-mail signature. Your e-mail recipients can then read more about you.
Excuses to Ask Personal Info
Take advantage of excuses to ask people about themselves. E.g., in a business class it's
appropriate to "network" with classmates: "And where does your husband work? Oh,
you're not married?"
How to Call
If a woman gives a man her telephone number, he should call her the next day.
He shouldn't wait two days. If he hesitates, she'll feel hurt and rejected.

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17.8 Dress for Sex

17.8.1 Men's Clothes

Dress to communicate your gender. Masculine clothes have heavier fabrics. Colors are
darker. Masculine clothes emphasize broad shoulders (e.g., epaulets), flat stomach (e.g.,
men's shirts tuck into their pants), slim waist and hips, and muscled legs.
Boring, conservative clothes are masculine. Creative, attention-grabbing clothes are femi-
nine. To attract women, wear normal clothes. Grey with a designer label is good.
A beard hides your face. Religious patriarchs and department store Santa Clauses are
playing a role and want you to see the mask, not the individual behind the mask. In
contrast, businessmen and politicians don't wear beards because hiding their faces makes
them appear less trustworthy.

17.8.2 Women's Clothes

Women's clothes draw attention to their breasts, waist, and hips. Depending on whether
adolescence or maturity is in fashion, women's clothes either emphasize a flat stomach and
thin legs, or make strong, sweeping curves to suggest fertility. Feminine clothes have lighter
fabrics and brighter colors.
Play peek-a-boo to get men's attention. Intentionally tear your jeans or sweaters, show a
little cleavage, or wear a slit skirt. Sexy materials - leather, latex, spandex-play peek-a-boo
by suggesting skin without showing skin.
Wear an accelerator and a brake. A pink t-shirt displaying "Playmate of the Year" in
glittering letters is like a car with an accelerator but no brake. Men won't hear "no."
Instead, wear a conservative skirt with sexy boots, or vice versa.
Women shouldn't wear "trend of the minute" clothes. You'll impress the people who read
women's fashion magazines-other women. Instead, wear "timeless" styles. Natural colors,
patterns, and fabrics are timeless. Things not found in nature aren't.

17.9 Dream Houses, Dream Relationships

Clothes are about flirting. Houses are about relationships. When you imagine your dream
home, you also imagine your dream relationship. Creating your dream home may lead to
your dream relationship. Conversely, living in a place that makes you unhappy will prevent
you from forming happy relationships.
The most common home problem is commitment to the past, a.k.a. clutter. Clutter defines
the old you. Donate your ex-self to Goodwill. Create space in your home for something
new.

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 Dream Houses, Dream Relationships

E.g., a woman's home was dominated by her ex-husband's piano. She couldn't start rela-
tionships. When she got rid of the piano she immediately found a relationship.4
If you're a man, communicate that you're relationship material:
• Display pictures of your family-especially of you playing with your nieces and nephews.
• Green, healthy plants communicate that you're capable of taking care of something.
• To make your living room communicate your personality, start by getting rid of the
television. This will also give you time for a new relationship-Americans average four
hours of television a day.
• A bed against a wall communicates that you intend to stay single. Create walking space
on both sides of the bed.
• Women like clean bathrooms. Their sense of smell is better than men's. If you're incapable
of keeping your house clean, just clean the bathroom. John Gray's next book will be Mars
and Venus in the Bathroom.
• Pizza, chips, and beer communicate "bachelor." Fresh fruits show that you buy groceries
more than once a month. Diet soft drinks, exotic coffees and teas, and low-fat ice cream
show that you understand women.
In House as a Mirror of Self: Exploring the Deeper Meaning of Home, by Clare Cooper
Marcus and James Yandell (1995), the chapter "Becoming Partners: Power Struggles in
Making a Home Together" shows how homes cause or solve relationship problems.

4 To The Best of Our Knowledge, Wisconsin Public Radio, December 27, 2000.

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18 How to Write a Personal Ad

18.1 Examples

REVENGE OF THE NERDS

Thick glasses, HP calculator, SAT 99th percentile, knows pi to 16 digits. Great job, big
house, pool. Better-looking than Bill Gates.
I ran "Revenge of the Nerds" without the swimming pool, and got one response. With the
pool I got fifteen responses. Now I know what women want.
I made a mistake running the following personal ad:
HIGH-TECH REDNECK
Million-dollar Los Gatos home with junk cars in yard. Italian suits, cowboy boots. Likes
country music.
I'd thought that country songs were made up. I thought that the women in the songs
weren't real. Then they all called me.
I wrote this personal ad for two dogs that needed a home:
TWO GIRLS...
One blonde, other brunette. Fun-loving. Enjoy long walks on the beach, convertible cars,
and heavy petting. Loyal, good listeners. Both have four paws and adorable floppy ears.
An alternative newspaper rejected the following personal ad:
FUN GOTH GUY
Look: tall, thin, pale, black leather. Attitude: dominance. Music: The Damned, Killing
Joke, Bach organ fugues. Hobbies: collecting memorabilia from serial killers, laughing
maniacally in inappropriate circumstances, putting the "fun" back into "funeral." Can I
bite your neck on the first date?
This will date me, but I remember when alternative newspapers didn't have decency stan-
dards.

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How to Write a Personal Ad

18.2 Making Personal Ads Work

Less than 1% of married couples met via personal ads (see "Where Couples Met," page 90).
Only 2% of short-term sexual relationships started with a personal ad. Less than one in
500 online personal ad users finds a partner. 23% haven't gotten a date in over a year.1
Personal ads are, in general, a poor way to find a mate. This is partly because many people
write poor ads, and then place them in the wrong venues. The right ad in the right venue
can work.

18.2.1 Conversation Starters

Write your personal ad around conversation starters. E.g., writing that you're new in town
prompts a variety of questions, such as "Where did you move from?"
In contrast, writing "I love sitting by a fireplace, talking about everything and nothing,"
prompts no responses.
Imagine that an individual approaches you at a party. Write out a conversation about your-
self that fascinates this person. Now condense your responses into two or three sentences.
Imagine saying each sentence to a stranger. What would the person say in response? If you
can't imagine a meaningful response, take out the sentence.
Now highlight every bragging point. Add self-deprecating humor. E.g., one of my ads said
that I lived in a million-dollar home. I then added "with junk cars in the yard."
Run your ad through your word processor's spelling checker. Then run it through a grammar
checker (in Microsoft Word, the grammar checker is under "Tools"). Now look in your
Yellow Pages under "Editorial Services." Pay a professional editor $25 to edit your personal
ad. Spelling and grammar errors make you look lazy and stupid. A polished, professional-
sounding ad makes you look thirty IQ points smarter.
If you're in a big city, especially in the north or west, describe your looks and your money
in your personal ad. In small cities, especially in the southeast, emphasize emotions and
hobbies.2

18.2.2 Disclosure

One of my hobbies is reading personal ads from incarcerated women, and then looking up
their rap sheets on the World Wide Web. At first this feels like going to the Humane Society
to pick out a puppy... then you realize that these are bad puppies.

1 "Surveys Indicate a Recent Shift in Dating Priorities for Singles This Valentine's Season," http://www.
matchnewscenter.com/press/206.php
2 Hendrick, Bill. "Study: Looks, heart tops for single women," Atlanta Journal-Constitution, Wednesday,
May 29, 2002. Refers to study by Kevin McGraw of Cornell University. http://www.accessatlanta.
com/ajc/epaper/editions/wednesday/features_c34f74aa14f440130081.html

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 Making Personal Ads Work

E.g., one young woman described herself as "honest, intelligent, with a heart of gold." Her
rap sheet says that she's serving 25 years for homicide. (She was a waitress, so maybe a
rude customer didn't leave her a tip. That's justifiable homicide, right?)
I've read hundreds of personal ads from incarcerated women. Not one mentioned her crime,
or anything about prison. The women instead describe themselves as enjoying long walks
on the beach, romantic evenings by the fireplace, etc.
Hiding something unattractive about yourself might increase the number of responses to
your personal ad, but these relationships will end-fast-when the individuals discover the
truth. Potential partners will see you as having a bad character in addition to having an
unattractive feature.
Present your best qualities, but also disclose your unattractive features. Present your
unattractive features positively, as a conversation starter. E.g., an incarcerated woman
could write that she committed a crime when she was immature, but prison has helped her
grow and now she's sorry for what she'd done. This leads to asking about the crime, what
prison has taught her, etc. You could talk to her for hours.
Disclose an unattractive feature in a way that shows your good character. Showing that you
have a good character will make people love you. People will then ignore your unattractive
features. Ironically, pointing out your faults makes your faults less visible, while hiding your
faults makes them more visible.

18.2.3 Select the Right Venue

A magazine writer had less-than-great experiences with several big online dating websites.
Then he won an eBay auction and paid $550 for a personal ad on a hip New York online
women's 'zine. The 'zine didn't usually have personal ads (i.e., his ad was a special feature).
The result was 60 e-mails and "lots of" dates with interesting women.3
Buy an ad in each of the following venues:
1. A big online dating service or a big local newspaper. Buy a month's membership. If
you don't get dates within a month, cancel your membership and try another website.
A few big corporations own many personal ad websites, e.g., InterActiveCorp owns
Match.com, uDate.com, and Kiss.com, and Love@AOL; Spring Street Networks runs
personal ad websites for Nerve.com, Salon.com, and many others; Lycos owns Match-
maker.com; Match.net owns AmericanSingles.com, Jdate.com, and many others.
1.
2. Specialized online dating services, e.g., BlackSingles.com or 18wheelsingles.com (for
truckers). The best directory I've found of these websites is the Open Directory
Project, http://dmoz.org/Society/Relationships/Dating/Personals/
1.
2. A website or publication that doesn't have personal ads, but attracts the type of
person you want to meet (most couples met in "Other," see page 90). E.g., if you
want to meet men who drive BMW motorcycles, go to the BMW Motorcycle Owners

3 Tannenbaum, Rob. "SWM Seeks Sex, " Playboy, March 2002, p.76.

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How to Write a Personal Ad

Association website. Ask, beg, and offer a large pile of cash to the website to run your
personal ad as a special feature. Suggest that the website run two personal ads (one
man, one woman) on Valentine's Day, that they auction the ads on eBay, and that
they use the "event" for promotional publicity.

18.2.4 Feedback Ratings

Select an online dating service that has feedback ratings. The only one I know of is http:
//www.GreatBoyfriends.com/.
On eBay, buyers and sellers leave each other positive, neutral, or negative feedbacks. When
you get ten positive feedbacks, eBay puts a gold star next to your name. Buyers and sellers
know at a glance that you're trustworthy. If they want to be sure, they can read each
comment written about you.
If personal ad websites had feedback, you could select only individuals with a gold star.
Then you could skip the ads and go straight to the reviews.
Other personal ad websites have surreptitious e-mail newsletters reviewing dates. These
newsletters are only shared by women, and say only bad things about men.4 This fosters a
negative environment.

Checkboxes and Ideal Partners

I've had some pretty funny experiences with married couples. For the most part they
don't match well at all. At one event this woman was berating her husband for having
answered the questions wrong. He said, "Yes, dear, yes, dear."a

a "Modern Love," To The Best of Our Knowledge, Wisconsin Public Radio, July 20, 2001.

Since the 1960s, computer programmers have tried to find questions that instantly match
an individual with his or her perfect mate. This might work for finding friends, but we're
hardwired for sexual attraction to our opposites (see "Pheromones5 " and "Similarity and
Dissimilarity6 ").

Your computer was right. Mitzi and I like all the same things: same food, opera, bike-
riding, dogs. There was only one thing we didn't like-each other.a

a Murstein, Bernard. Paths to Marriage (Sage, 1986, ISBN 0803923821), p. 69.

The endless checkboxes on personal ad websites are worthless. We feel passion for individ-
uals who reflect hidden elements of our personalities (see "Adolescent Relationships-Anima
and Animus," page 74). You can't describe such a partner, because you can't see the hidden
parts of yourself.

4 Tannenbaum, Rob. "SWM Seeks Sex, " Playboy, March 2002, p.76.
5 Chapter 8.4 on page 61
6 Chapter 16.2 on page 98

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 Responding to Personal Ads

Listing intolerable qualities is also useless. E.g., lying is intolerable to you. Ask 100 potential
mates whether they lie. Everyone will say that they never lie. Or smoking is intolerable to
you. You might reject an individual who wants to quit, but needs a supportive partner.
A better way to describe your ideal partner is to list your favorite celebrities and why you
like them.

18.2.5 Photos

Always provide a photo. Not providing a photo won't make people think that you have a
beautiful mind.
Spend the money for a professional portrait.
Provide additional photos in different environments. E.g., if the first photo is a studio
portrait, provide a second photo playing sports or playing with your nieces and nephews.
Provide a full-body photo as well as a head shot.
Lastly, correct the brightness, contrast, and color balance. If you don't know how to do
this, pay a camera dealer or Kinko's to prepare high-quality digital files.

18.3 Responding to Personal Ads

Women should respond to men's ads. If you wait for men to contact you, you'll only hear
from the men that no other women want (see "Flirting," page 99).
A man should place his personal ad in many websites and publications, until he finds a
venue in which women contact him.
When responding to an online personal ad, copy your profile and photo into your message.
Don't expect the recipient to go to the website and look up your profile.

18.4 The Future of Personal Ads

18.4.1 Location-Based Cellphones

The newest cellphones have Global Positioning System (GPS) transponders. These cell-
phones can tell a 911 operator where you are, within a few feet. In a few years, when you
join a singles club your cellphone will alert you when you're near another club member.7
Your cellphone screen will provide the other person's profile-and send your profile to him
or her. If you want to meet each other, your cellphones will guide you to each other.
On your home computer you'll select parameters-age, hobbies, etc.-and see a map highlight-
ing where these people are now. E.g., you want to meet older men who enjoy cooking. On
Saturday morning your computer may show that they're at the farmer's market, picking
out ripe tomatoes.

7 Bennahum, David S. "Be Here Now," Wired, November 2001 158-163.

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18.4.2 Reverse Personal Ads

You'll see a list of local events. You'll check off events you'd like to attend. Then you'll
search for other members who want to attend an event.
E.g., you click on Blues Traveler at the Paramount Theater. You then see all the single men
or women who are going to the Blues Traveler concert. Because you both want to attend
the event, you're guaranteed a date.

Road Trips

You and other singles fly to a new city each month. Single natives of that city have a
weekend of group dates planned. You'll see the sights of a new city, and meet new people.
One weekend a month, you and singles in your city host a group of singles flying to your
city.

Flying Affinity Class

Where are strangers intimately close for far too long? Prisons and Landmark seminars, yes,
but these may not be people you want to meet. Instead, fly!
The Wall Street Journal suggests flying first class to meet the best potential mates.8
Airlines should sell affinity class seats. You'd fill out a form listing education, hobbies,
marital status, etc. Then you'd select the affinity class passenger you want to sit next to.
A good conversation is better than an in-flight movie.

8 Trottman, Melanie. "When Flying Too High With a Guy in the Sky Is Just the Thing to Do," The Wall
Street Journal, February 14, 2001, p. A1.

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19 Dating

It is important that parents of children should not be directly related to each other biologi-
cally to avoid birth defects and health problems arising from in-breeding. In some societies
this is ensured by parents making pre-arranged marriage plans. In western societies, the
process is generally more haphazard, and often partners are first attracted by appearance
or personality.
Serious courtship is sometimes called dating or courting and is quite different from mere
flirting which describes preliminary activities including going on dates.
After an initial meeting there is a period of courtship, during which the inter-personal
distance diminishes.(the distance between the bodies of the the couple where they feel feel
comfortable). For strangers, this is usually about half a meter or more 1 The range of
tolerated contact also increases gradually.
In developing intimate relationships, it is often advantageous to venture beyond the normal
realm of common situations.2 |Ron Louis, SEXpectations (1997)

19.1 Emotional Range

"Emotional intelligence" isn't about controlling your emotions. It's not about substituting
positive emotions for negative emotions. It's about experiencing a full range of emotions.3
Civilization reduces the range of emotions you feel. In the civilized world, you never feel
desperately thirsty or terrified of wild animals or hopelessly lost. But desperation resolved
becomes joy. You can't feel the highest highs if you don't feel the deepest lows. The ideal
date makes your partner-and you-feel a range of emotions.4
Dinner-and-a-movie doesn't facilitate a range of emotions. Instead, if you're both sports
fans, go to a game. Hope that your team has difficult moments, but ultimately triumphs.
The ideal date is an emotional roller coaster.
Outdoor sports-skiing, hiking, rock climbing-produce a wide range of emotions. Or take your
date to a hot blues club in a dangerous neighborhood. But prepare for possible dangers.
Before the date, drive to the club in the daytime. Find a safe parking lot nearby. Remember
how to get back to the freeway.

1 Allan Pease ˆ{http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/Allan%20Pease} Body Language (over 30 years of

research)
2 Louis, Ron, SEXpectations (MPC, 1997, ISBN 0961317744), p. 101.
3 Gottman, John. The Relationship Cure (Crown, 2001, ISBN 0609608096), 27-28.
4 Gottman, John. The Relationship Cure (Crown, 2001, ISBN 0609608096), 27-28.

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Dating

19.2 What to Do on a Date

Personal safety is women's priority on dates with strangers. Don't talk about violent crime,
guns, terrorism, etc. Meet in a public place in a safe neighborhood. Don't suggest hiking
in a remote area. If the woman has a child, don't suggest bringing the child.
The ideal first date is breakfast at a large restaurant. This is safe and requires no planning.
If it's a workday, you're already dressed nicely. If you're not interested in each other, you've
lost only $15 and 45 minutes.
Don't talk about the weather, television, or work. You have only 45 minutes, so go straight
to emotional connection. Ask what she's looking for in a partner. Or ask, "Women say that
'chemistry' is the most important thing in a relationship. What does 'chemistry' mean to
you?"

19.3 Group Dates

The second date should be a group date. Women like group dates. Men can trade off
leadership roles, putting less pressure on each man.
When the group is together, direct your conversation to a person of the opposite sex. But
also include short periods of time when the men go off as a group, leaving the women
together.
Play the Life Stories game. Each person has five minutes to tell her life story. Then she
answers questions for five minutes. This game sounds simple, but the experience is profound.
You'll be stunned at what you learn about people.

19.4 The Best Date a Man Can Take a Woman On

Lead a group date that shows off your entertainment skills. E.g., practice a cappella singing
classic rock songs with two or three of your buddies. Go to coffeehouse "open mike" nights.
Each of you asks a woman to watch your group perform.
Organize a group to write a humorous April Fools newsletter for your company or club.
Organize a group of friends to read a screenplay aloud. To make it more fun, have the
men read the women's roles and the women read the men's roles. Find screenplays at
Script-o-rama5

19.5 The Best Date a Woman Can Take a Man On

Volunteer with a non-profit organization. When a man asks you out, suggest that he join
you.

5 http://www.script-o-rama.com

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 Ending the Date

This tests both his commitment to you (see "Beautiful Young Women Don't Have It Easy,"
page 26), and his relationship skills. E.g., volunteer with Habitat For Humanity to see if
he's a good worker, and gets along in a group. Volunteer with a homeless shelter to see if he
can make lower-status individuals feel good about themselves (i.e., if he has ego problems).
Volunteer with the Humane Society to see how he interacts with animals. Volunteer with
children to see if he has good parenting skills.

19.6 Ending the Date

Ending the date first communicates that you're in control. Leave cash on the table to pay
the bill, and walk her out to her car.
If you're a man, ask for a kiss. This will communicate to you whether she enjoyed the date,
and if she wants to see you again.
If you ask whether she enjoyed the date, or if she wants to see you again, she'll always say
"yes" (see "When 'Yes' Means 'No'"6 ). If you ask for a kiss and she says "no," she doesn't
like you and you won't get a second date.
If she "freaks out" when you ask for a kiss, say that it's appropriate for her to thank you
for asking, instead of grabbing.
Keep in mind that this is not a kiss for pleasure. A goodbye kiss is quick. Keep your tongue
in your mouth. You might kiss her cheek instead of her mouth. A goodbye kiss is one
kiss-not a series. Stroke her hair, not her body.
If she asks for a hug instead of a kiss, again keep it brief.
If she offers to shake hands instead, it'd be romantic to bow and kiss her hand-but practice
this first!

19.7 Alcohol and Sexual Intimacy

Alcohol consumption is the strongest predictor of sexual intimacy on first dates.

On first dates without drinking, college students usually hold hands or have a casual kiss
goodnight.
On first dates in which the combined drinking totals ten drinks or less, couples usually neck
(prolonged kissing with close hugging) and may pet (touching the woman's breasts lightly
through her clothes).
On first dates in which the couple's combined drinking totals more than ten drinks, the
man usually fondles and kisses the woman's breasts. Sexual intercourse isn't unusual on
first dates with heavy drinking.7

6 Chapter 9.2 on page 67

7 Mongeau, Paul A., Johnson, Kristen L. "Predicting cross-sex first-date sexual expectations and involve-
ment: Contextual and individual difference factors," Personal Relationships, 2 (1995), 301-312.

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Dating

Alcohol consumption during dating negatively correlates with the quality of the ensuing
relationship.8 I.e., if you want casual sex without a relationship, drink on dates. If you
want a quality relationship without casual sex, don't drink on dates.

19.8 11 Dating Mistakes Men Make

Talking About Yourself

Women dislike men who talk only about themselves. Instead of talking about how great
you are, talk to make your date feel great about herself.
Going to dinner and having nothing in common but work ...entire conversation was about
work or him...it didn't seem to matter what I wanted to do or what I had to say...
Talking About Facts
Don't be a know-it-all. After 14.5 years of higher education, I know enough facts to fill a
factotum. And when I convey those facts to women, they say, "I'm afraid I don't have a
romantic interest in our acquaintance."
Narcissism

He talked only about himself. He told me he had written a book about formerly married
people. This formerly married person told me about his former marriage, about his life
history, about his other books for general consumption, which all seemed to parallel his
personal social and emotional history, and his other accomplishments. There wasn't a
single question, and he clearly felt I should be incredibly impressed.
His whole attitude was that I was very, very, very lucky to have this great expert on
positive social interactions paying attention to me, a young free-lance writer....
Finally, at about three, I said I had to go to another appointment. He was suddenly
put off. He couldn't believe that a woman would leave first....He had to make the first
move toward the exit. The feeling was so vivid, it was as if his beam of human energy
abruptly shut off....
Later on [it was] revealed that he...had been sleeping with his clients; he had kept a
whole filing cabinet full of files on other women he'd had affairs with.a |Gloria Steinem

a Markin, Carole. Bad Dates (Citadel, 1990, ISBN 0806511583), 230-232.

Never date a man who writes relationship books!

Narcissus was a beautiful young man. After a tiring day of hunting, he came to a clear
spring. He kneeled to drink. He saw his reflection in the water. He thought that it was a
beautiful water-spirit living in the spring. He fell in love with his reflection. He tried to
kiss and embrace it. It fled at his touch. But soon it returned. He couldn't tear himself

8 Christopher, F.S. Cate, R.M. "Factors involved in premarital sexual decision-making," Journal of Sex
Research, 20 (1984), 363-376.

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 11 Dating Mistakes Men Make

away. He lost all thought of food or rest while he gazed at his reflection. When he died,
the gods created a purple and white flower, and named it after Narcissus.9
Compare Gloria Steinem's date to Narcissus. The psychologist talked and talked, hoping
to see his brilliance reflected in Steinem's awe. As long as Steinem sat still and reflected
him, he felt attraction to her. But when Steinem stood to leave, she was like the rippling
water of Narcissus's pool. He no longer saw his reflection in her. Her movement changed
his attraction to fear.
Showing women that you're an "alpha" male-a.k.a., showing off-is a part of attracting
women's attention. Continuing to show off after you attract a woman's attention is nar-
cissism. Instead, switch gender roles and connect to her emotional state.
I guess it was with a guy that had a habit of looking into every mirror that we passed. I
mean, Hello! He was worse then some girls I know!
Narcissists think they're smart and attractive. They can be charming in short-term rela-
tionships. Their need for attention can pull a partner along into the limelight. But their
need to dominate leads to "game-playing, such as keeping partners uncertain about their
commitment, being unfaithful and keeping secrets."10
Another narcissist game is thinking your time is more important than your date's. Don't
squeeze your date into your busy schedule. You won't impress her. She should think that
meeting her is the most important event of your day.
Showing off money-or, in this case, expensive wine-is a form of narcissism:

A bad date is anybody who arrives stoned or drunk or anyone who gets stoned or drunk
while on the date. And another bad date is anyone who insists that I go dutch or pay.
And another bad date is anybody who tries to kiss me, oh, before dinner. And another
bad date is anybody who tries to impress me with what he knows about wines; I think
that's really disgusting. And another bad date is anybody who takes you to one of
those torturous, four-star restaurants where there're seventeen courses and insist you
try everything. I mean that's hell.a |Rae Dawn Chong, actress

a Markin, Carole. Bad Dates (Citadel, 1990, ISBN 0806511583), p. 60.

Women prefer men with lots of money, who don't make a big deal about it.
Here's a man who wasn't narcissistic:
Bart showed up in a clunker car, which was quite a change from my previous boyfriend.
My ex- was really into his car. He had a brand-new sports car, and at times I thought
he loved his car more than me.
So here's this new guy, Bart, in a really horrid car. He parked on campus, and we were
walking toward the theater, when someone yelled, "Hey! Isn't that your car?"

9 http://web.archive.org/19991128112948/www.webcom.com/shownet/bulfinch/fables/bull13.
html
10 McCook, Alison. "Narcissists Make Lousy Long-Term Lovers," Reuters, July 26, 2002, http://abcnews.
go.com/wire/Living/reuters20020726_573.html.

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Dating

We looked back to see smoke billowing out of the hood. Bart just smiled and said, "I'll
deal with it tomorrow," and he kept walking with me. I was blown away! I thought,
"He's not overly concerned with his car! He'd rather be with me!"11
The couple married. They've been together 13 years.
Inappropriate Touch
For some individuals, touch is enjoyable but "no big deal." These individuals like touching
and being touched. They easily learn physical skills, e.g., skiing. Touch and physical
movement makes them awake and "in the moment." In contrast, sitting in a lecture sends
their minds off to dreamland. On a date, such an individual may happily respond to your
touch, but don't assume that he or she wants to have sex.
To other individuals, all touch is intimate. These individuals can't stand being touched by
strangers. They have difficulty learning physical skills. Auditory stimulation, e.g., a lecture
or concert, makes them awake and attentive. A massage sends them off to dreamland.
Movement therapy (e.g., yoga or Feldenkrais) is difficult for them, but produces deep,
life-changing feelings.
When dating such an individual, keep your hands to yourself until your date trusts you.
When the person is ready, your touch will make him or her feel intensely connected.
If you and your date have conflicting touch styles, discuss each other's needs. It's rude and
unpleasant for a casual toucher to be "all over" a person who's sensitive to being touched.
But it's equally rude for a touch-sensitive person to make his or her date sit motionless
through a two-hour concert, when the date needs to dance or be touched.
To learn more about this, read The Open Mind, by Dawna Markova (1991).
Too Focused on Sex
The worst date I've had I would have to say was with this guy that did not understand
the meaning of no. He was trying to get me to bed from the minute we met and did
not let up until I pushed him out the door and locked it! Was not a pleasant experience,
actually scared me, and I have found I am much more safety conscious now.
The guy assumed we were going to have sex just because we had discussed sex briefly on
the phone. It was our first date! Our first meeting. I kept asking him to stop and slow
down. Finally he got the point and left. Needless to say I was glad!!!
If dating were a car, the man has his hands on the steering wheel. The woman has her
feet on the accelerator and brake pedals. He decides where they are going. She decides
how fast.
Poor Manners

11 Berry C. R., Traeder, T. Girlfriends Talk About Men: Sharing Secrets for a Great Relationship (Wildcat
Canyon, 1997, ISBN 1885171218).

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 11 Dating Mistakes Men Make

The first really big thing you learn about the guy you're dating is how he treats waiters
and waitresses at a restaurant, and what a huge effect that will have on the rest of the
relationship.a |Edie Falco, who was a waitress for twenty years, and now plays Carmela
Soprano on The Sopranos

a Interview on Fresh Air, WHYY, October 1, 2001, http://freshair.npr.org/guestInfoFA.cfm?

name=ediefalco

Personal Hygiene
An unbearable date is one with a man who has body odor, who hasn't brushed his teeth
for months, who talks about his work the whole time, or worse his mother's cooking.
When I'm flatulent at a party, I find the worst-dressed guy and stand next to him.
"Dutch Treat"
A blind date...was highly respectable and highly thought of by my friend. He was (I guess
still is) a therapist. He called and we discussed meeting for coffee at a neutral place in the
daytime. He was insistent on going out to dinner, that our first date should be a dinner
date. He asked me to dinner and he insisted on picking me up at my home. Against my
better judgment I consented even though my co-worker assured me he was a "stand up
guy" and "okay." We go to dinner and at the end of the meal when the check comes he
tallies up what "I owe" and hands me the bill and asked for the money. He told me that
every woman he dates pays her own way.
The guy was late picking me up. When he showed up, he looked like he had slept in his
clothes. He informed me that we had to take my car because his was in the shop. After
dinner, he couldn't pay the bill, and asked if he could borrow the money to pay it. I took
him to his place and he tried to get me to stay the night with him. I finally told him
where to go, in a polite way.
Any first date that involved coupons.
Too Disorganized
Showing up late, not having dinner reservations or theater tickets, having car trouble-not
being in control of your basic life stuff won't get you points.
Too Organized
But being too organized can be as bad:
He had everything planned and rehearsed and nothing goes right...ugh!
When we were late for any planned event that day, she lost it.
Plan the date, but plan options for your date to choose. Suggest two restaurants, or two
movies you'd like to see. Let her choose. If the weather is bad on your hiking trip, have a
museum to visit. Spontaneity is romantic.
Violence and Physical Abuse

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Dating

I had a man that hit me on our first date and that didn't fly at all with me. Let's just
say I dropped him off 30 min from his house out in the middle of nowhere. I felt kinda
bad, but he hit me so I felt kinda justified.
Out to dinner, date gets drunk, starts fight with stranger, got shot at, and windows
busted out of car with bumper jack.

19.9 3 Dating Mistakes Women Make

Lying About Boyfriends, Jealous Ex's

The worst date must have been the time her boyfriend showed up at the dinner table.
Honestly, I didn't know he existed before the date. Machismo is really funny sometimes.
Fortunately, I can laugh about it now. It was probably the closest I've ever come to having
someone really kick my butt.
Went out to eat, saw a movie. Then dropped her off, she was tired....As I left her ex-
boyfriend pulled up and went inside. The next day I walked by (she was my neighbor)
and he was still there. Did not make me feel so good about the date when I saw her that
afternoon and she had several fresh hickies on her neck.
I had a date set for a week. We went out. It felt really weird during the date. Afterwards,
she told me that she got back with her ex the day before. She still went out with me
because she didn't want to break my heart. (Go figure.)
Her "old boy friend" smashed a wooden chair on my back during dinner. But that's not
what made it so crappy. She went home with the guy cause I wouldn't "fight" for her.
Women lie about boyfriends. Men lie about wives.
Standing Up Dates
Stood up at the last minute to a Rolling Stones concert.
Getting stood up trying one of those dating services.
I showed up at her door as she was going out with friends. She had forgot all about our
date.
Getting stood up is one of the most common complaints from men about women. I've
heard no complaints from women about getting stood up by men.
Tell dates to meet you at your office or home. Your date can be late-or not show up at
all-and you haven't been inconvenienced.
Negative, Demanding, Critical
Feminine individuals (including feminine men) behave in a way that is appropriate to child
rearing, and can be over possessive or protective and tend to be introverts. Masculine
individuals (including masculine women) behave in ways that are appropriate to social
cohesion and may be over prescriptive or arrogant or excessively extrovert.

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20 Sex (and Why to Avoid It)

Sex is used both as a noun and a verb. Sexual reproduction requires a male semen to
inseminate a female ovum or egg. Commonly sex, as a verb comprises a broad range
of human behavior involving direct or indirect stimulation of the genitalia. Sex includes
physiological, psychological, social and cultural aspects. The concept of what constitutes
normal human sexual activity varies greatly between different human societies and cultures.
A society's collective views on both gender and sexuality are reflected in its art and popular
culture. In all societies there are laws or rules governing overt sexual conduct in public and
some societies also regulate private sexual activities closely.

20.1 Physiological aspects

The emotional turmoil of visual attraction is a strong and a sometimes confusing stimulus
which occurs about the time of puberty. Sexual activity is normally considered pleasurable.
For example, gently stimulating the genitalia is usually pleasurable both for men and women,
and can lead to a climax or orgasm that is intensely pleasurable.
Children may experience sexual arousal, either by active stimulation of themselves or by
engaging in activities that inadvertently arouse. For example, certain gymnastic activities
may stimulate the sex organs. Where the stimulation is deliberate it is called masturbation,
because it does not involve potentially reproductive activity.
Masturbation is an natural sexual practice that begins after puberty. It often begins alone
and becomes a way of sexually pleasuring oneself without a partner. Masturbation can also
be shared with a consenting partner, and this is usually called Mutual Masturbation.
Touching and kissing are important sexual behavior. Gentle touching can be sexually stim-
ulating, even when this touch occurs on parts of the body not generally associated with sex
like the hands, feet and neck. In modern Western culture, kissing is viewed as an expression
of affection.
Generally kissing (osculation) may be either a mere social greeting (kissing cheeks, for exam-
ple) or an intense sexual activity (usually kissing lips) French kissing involves stimulating
lips and tongues with both partners' mouths open.
Sexuality is an expression of gender. The reason for a person's sexual orientation (preference
for heterosexual or homosexual activity) is not known. Many theories have been proposed
including: genetic factors; hormone exposure during pregnancy and personal experimenta-
tion in early life. However no reliable research has provided confirmation of any of these
theories. Some people prefer different activities with same sex partners and members of the
opposite sex, and are described as bi-sexual.

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Sex (and Why to Avoid It)

When human sexual function is impaired it is called sexual dysfunction. One common
sexual dysfunction is a decrease in sex drive or libido. This can happen to either men or
women and is sometimes brought about by stress. Men can suffer from erectile dysfunction.
Erectile dysfunction is sometimes related to cardiovascular health, and it can often be
treated effectively with medicines.
1. The sebaceous glands in the mouth and lips release sexually stimulating chemicals.
Smoking, alcohol, breath fresheners, and garlic mask these chemicals, and therefore
may make it less enjoyable to kiss.1
In the brain, the area for orgasms is next to the area for feet sensation.2 Therefore many
people experience pleasure from foot washing or massage.

20.1.1 Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs)

There are a number of harmful diseases which are transmitted through body fluids (including
semen, vaginal fluid, and pre-ejaculatory fluid). These are referred to as STDs, short for
"sexually transmitted diseases". Monogamy (having a single sex partner), where both
partners are monogamous, will limit exposure to STDs. Individuals who have had two,
three, or four partners have a 3-5% likelihood of contracting a STD. This percentage jumps
ten times (to 28-35%) for promiscuous men and women with more than twenty sexual
partners.3 Safe sex is a set of techniques and behaviors designed to reduce the likelihood
of the transmission of STDs. These behaviors include limiting sex partners and the use of
barrier protection like condoms.
Sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) are virulent and so should be treated early as soon as
you are aware of a problem. Untreated STDs have a wide range of debilitating and enduring
health effects. Regular check-ups may detect diseases before any obvious symptoms appear,
and all diseases are easier to treat when detected early.
Many people with STDs are symptom-free, unaware of their infections, and untreated.4
Consequently a majority of people who are infected are unaware of it. 5 Some people who
know they have an STD will not admit it. According to one study, 75% of HIV-positive
men and women who know they're infected don't inform casual sex partners.6 Because of
this, it is important for partners to communicate with each other about their history, and
about the very real risk of STDs.

1 Lloyd-Elliot, Martin. Secrets of Sexual Body Language. (Ulysses, 1995, ISBN 1569750602), p. 86.
2 Amen, Daniel. Making a Good Brain Great: The Amen Clinic Program for Achieving and Sustaining
Optimal Mental Performance. (Harmony, 2005, ISBN 1400082080).
3 Michael, Robert T., Gagnon, John H., Laumann, Edward O., Kolata, Gina. Sex In America: A Definitive
Survey (Little Brown, 1994, ISBN 0-316-07524-8), p. 193.
4 Chase, Marilyn. "Sexually Transmitted Diseases Appear Sharply Underreported," The Wall Street Jour-
nal, February 13, 2002, p. B9.
5 Sternberg, Steve. "Most HIV-positive males in the USA don't know it." USA TODAY, July 9, 2002,
http://usatoday.com/news/healthscience/health/aids/2002-07-08-us-aids.htm
6 Norton, Amy. "HIV-Positive May Delay Telling Casual Sex Partners", Reuters Health, October 30, 2001;
research by Megan E. O'Brien of Tulane University, presented to the American Public Health Association.

126
 Social and cultural aspects

20.1.2 Birth control

Children are a natural result of a male penis ejaculating semen inside or near a female vagina,
and is properly called sexual intercourse. In some cultures sexual activity is regarded as
a harmless amusement between consenting adults and children are not wanted. Casual
sexual activity can however be emotionally damaging to some people. Even within a stable
loving relationship the conception of children may have to be regulated and with proper
care and planning modern contraceptives are generally effective. No method or combination
of methods except sterilisation is 100% reliable.
Most hormonal contraceptive options that exist are for use by women. The choices are
many and varied, including:
• Condoms, which unlike the others can be used by men or women. Male condoms are gen-
erally more effective in practice than female condoms in preventing conception. When
used correctly male condoms are effective in preventing the spread of STDs. Male con-
doms that are correctly used break about 2% of the time. Male condoms are about 98%
effective in preventing pregnancy and female condoms about 75%.78
• Birth control pills are used by women and they work by elevating hormone levels so that
ovulation is prevented. When these pills are used exactly according to instructions they
are 99.7% effective in preventing pregnancy. However with imperfect use they are 92%
effective. They do not offer any protection against STDs.9
• "Emergency contraceptives" or "morning-after pills" are hormone pills which can be used
within the first 72 hours after sex to prevent pregnancy with a 89% effectiveness10 ..
• The Rhythm Method, or limiting sexual activity to a time when the woman is not ovu-
lating was once promoted as a natural method of birth control acceptable to people of
strong religious objections to modern contraceptives. It is thought to be on average
only about 75% effective in practice http://www.pamf.org/teen/sex/birthcontrol/
rhythmmethod.html, and does not offer protection against STDs.

20.2 Social and cultural aspects

Sexuality is a fundamental human behavior that dramatically affects relationships between

human beings. Sexual behaviors can be governed by implied rules of behavior and the status
quo. Who should be chosen as a sexual partner, and when sexual behaviors should occur are
often governed by social conventions. Sexuality influences social norms and society in turn
influences the manner in which sexuality can be expressed. Various cultures and societies
have laws that govern sex and sexuality.

7 http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/condoms/HQ00463
8 http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/guide/birth-control-condoms
9 http://www.contraceptivetechnology.org/table.html
10 | "FDA OKs "Morning After" pill without a prescription" ˆ{http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/
14497678/} . Retrieved 3-17-07.

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Sex (and Why to Avoid It)

20.2.1 Marriage

One way that society influences sexuality is through formal social institutions called mar-
riage. Monogomous marriage is most common, involving one man and one woman. Poligo-
mous marrages are permitted in some cultures and usually involve one man and several
women. A societal benefit of marriage is that it formalizes the bond between sexual part-
ners and can form a stable pair of individuals who are committed to raising children. Some
studies have shown benefits of a stable marriage for the children of the married pair.11
Marriage can also have benefits for the individuals who marry. According to one study, a
large percentage of married people in the US say they're very or extremely satisfied with
their sex lives.12 . Twice as many single individuals suffer from stress, compared to married
individuals (25% vs. 13%). Married men and married women have the same stress levels,
on average.13

20.2.2 Consent

One social and legal convention is consent. The nature of consent varies across cultures,
but the essence is that both partners must be willing to enter into the activity and in the
right state of mind to make the decision. In some legal systems the absence of consent may
be considered a crime - that is, actual not presumed consent is required.
The age at which a person can legally give consent varies across the world. Most countries
have a minimum age of consent between 13 and 18. Some have a minimum age of 12
years old, some as high as 20 years old and other countries require you to be married
before engaging in sexual intercourse. In addition a few countries also have a different age
limit for men and women. Many countries ban homosexual intercourse outright and other
countries have a higher age of consent for homosexual intercourse (although all European
Union countries have now equalized the minimum age for heterosexual and homosexual
intercourse).14
According to the law in many US states, people who have sexual intercourse with a drunk
partner are committing rape http://www.unet.brandeis.edu/~ssis/assault/consent.
html.

11 Gregory Acs, Sandi Nelson What do "I Do"s Do? ˆ{http://www.urban.org/publications/311001.

html} Urban Institute
12 Laumann, Edward O., Gagnon, John H., Michael, Robert T., Michaels, Stuart. The Social Organization
Of Sexuality: Sexual Practices In The United States (University of Chicago, 1994, ISBN 0-226-46957-3),
p. 364.
13 de Vaus, David. Family Matters, winter 2002.
14 http://www.avert.org/aofconsent.htm

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21 Becoming a Couple

21.1 Permanently Passive Women

Women stuck in the passive, choosing gender role don't move from dating into a relationship.
E.g., a woman works hard on her clothes and make-up, to attract men. She read The Rules,
so plays "hard to get." She expects a man to work to please her, e.g., give her flowers and
gifts and attention. After sex, she wants to be rewarded with more flowers and gifts and
attention.
After sex, the man hopes that the relationship will become easier, not harder. He wants
her to call and ask him out. He sees other women calling their boyfriends. He thinks that's
the way relationships should be.
He's unsure whether she likes him. On the one hand, she has sex with him. On the other
hand, she never calls.
He slacks off, waiting for her to call. She thinks he's a cad. He thinks she's lazy and
self-centered. The relationship goes into a downward spiral.
Men reject (or cheat on) permanently passive women, no matter how beautiful such a
woman is.

21.2 Permanent Pursuers

Men stuck in the active, courting gender role don't move from dating into a relationship.
A man may enjoy the chase-and then get bored when he catches the object of his desire,
and move on. Or he tries to impress women with his sports car and dining at expensive
restaurants, but bores them by talking about his car and his career, and the women break
off the relationships.

21.3 Switch Genders Roles for Commitment

Instead, picture a couple reversing gender roles. She actively guides the direction of the
relationship (traditionally into commitment and marriage). He intelligently makes good
choices.
E.g., she calls and asks him out. She risks hurt feelings if he says no. If he says "yes," she
shows up at his apartment and brings him flowers. She drives him to his softball game. She
cheers whenever he hits the ball. Then they go out with his team to a steakhouse. He can

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drink all the beer he wants, because she's driving. She laughs at his jokes. Then they go
back to her apartment, where she makes his favorite dessert. What she's doing is how men
normally date women. It's not normal behavior for a woman.
Imagine that the man behaves likes a woman. All he has to do is make intelligent choices.
He's thinking that the cute young waitress at the steakhouse smiled when he left a big tip.
He has to decide whether to commit to a relationship with the woman he's dating, or to
break it off and chase other women.
If he thinks like a man, he'll chase the pretty young woman. If he gets her to come home
with him, she'll smoke like a chimney, drop corn chips on his carpet, and want to use his
computer to read her e-mail while he's trying to seduce her.
If he thinks like a woman, he'll focus on his partner's good qualities. He'll recognize that
she makes him happy. He'll realize that her shortcomings are unimportant. This is how
women normally look at men. It's not how men normally look at women.

21.3.1 Switching Gender Roles Is Difficult

When dating with stereotypical gender roles, men ask women out. Men risk rejection
and embarrassment. Each rejection is an emotional "direct hit." Asking women out takes
courage. Courage -and controlling our emotions-is something men are good at. We can
handle rejection and can figure out-most of the time-whether a woman's "no" means "not
this weekend, but ask me again next weekend," or means "never in a million years."
When a woman switches gender roles and asks a man out, she's devastated if he says no.
When women switch gender roles they're on unfamiliar ground and easily become lost.
Similarly, men who switch gender roles are on unfamiliar ground. Men can easily slip back
into stereotyped gender roles- e.g., when seeing a pretty young woman.
When you switch gender roles, tell your partner. E.g., if a woman switches to using mas-
culine behavior, and her man stays with masculine behavior, they'll compete and the rela-
tionship will crash. If he switches to feminine behavior, sliding over to the passenger seat,
but she doesn't get into the driver's seat, the relationship won't go anywhere.

21.4 "Our Relationship" Talks

Have an "our relationship" conversation to make "the switch" from dating to a relationship.
Agree on a time and place for the conversation. Don't surprise your partner. Don't work it
in while the two of you are doing something else.
Stay in contrasexual gender roles. If you're a woman, talk about where you want to take
him. Say this both literally-e.g., "I'd like to take you for a weekend at the beach"-and where
you want to take the relationship-e.g., whether you want marriage.
If your man rejects your requests, handle his rejections in the masculine style by asking
whether he means "not now, but maybe later" or "never in a million years." E.g., you may
learn that he doesn't want marriage now, but he's open to the idea a few years in the future.

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 Resistance to Commitment

If you're a man, tell your woman how much you appreciate her good qualities. Discuss her
faults but stay in the feminine style of saying that you can live with her faults.
If she did something that's intolerable to you, don't angrily end the relationship without
telling her what she did to anger you. She won't figure out that she did something wrong.
You'll be so mad that you'll do something to anger her. Then she'll angrily end the rela-
tionship.
The conclusion of an "our relationship" talk should be ways that each partner can be
an individual, yet the two of you are a couple. E.g., if your sport is running, go to track
workouts together. He runs with the men. She runs with the women. They're always in sight
of each other, but each does his or her own workout. For more about self-differentiation,
see Passionate Marriage, by David Schnarch (1997).

21.5 Resistance to Commitment

Poor relationship skills are a vicious circle. Poor dating skills make finding a partner diffi-
cult. When you find a partner, you're afraid of losing the person. You want a commitment.
But your poor relationship skills make your partner unhappy, and unwilling to make a
commitment. Your commitment is an empty promise, because no one else wants you.
If you don't have a choice of partners, don't ask for a commitment. Instead, improve your
attractiveness. You might attract someone else's attention. Then you can ask your partner
for a commitment. Or your partner may find you to be more attractive.

21.6 Life Stages Conflict

Young men see life as four stages:

1. Parents and school-no freedom-for 22 years.
2. Freedom. Maybe he'll travel around the world, working odd jobs in exotic locations.
Maybe he'll start his own company, taking financial risk. Maybe he'll go to Hollywood,
work as a waiter, and break into acting.
3. Marriage and children-again, no freedom for 25 years. He'll have to work long hours
in a dull, safe career, to pay for a wife, mortgage, and mini-van.
4. Retirement. Young men don't think that old guys climb mountains, travel around the
world, or break into acting.
To men, the adolescent life stage-questing for treasure and a princess-is the most important.
This is Life with a capital L. How much a man accomplishes in this act sets the stage for
the rest of his life.
Women see the adult life stage-family and community-as what life is all about. A generation
ago, young women skipped the adolescent life stage. They went straight from their father's
house into marriage. They never received approval for individual accomplishment. This led
to anger, repression, or depression.

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Becoming a Couple

Young women today want to have an adolescent life stage, but on a smaller scale than men.
E.g., a young woman may want to work at a dot-com, when a young man wants to start
the company. Young women want to graduate from college, have two or three years of fun
with their boyfriends, marry by 25, have a few more years of fun, and become pregnant by
28.
Women want their adolescent life stage to last five years. Men need the adolescent life stage
to last as long as it takes to accomplish everything. A man with big dreams-or a man who
fails repeatedly-can spend decades in his adolescent life stage. Psychologists call such a man
a puer, or flying boy (see "Hermes," page 177).
Men don't settle down until they've completed their adolescent life stage. A man needs to
page through Outside magazine and say, "Been there, done that." Then he needs to page
through Inc., Car & Driver, and Playboy and say the same thing.
A woman who wants commitment should date older men, who've achieved their goals. Or
look for a man with small dreams. Or make her man feel that he's accomplished everything
he needs to. Or promise him that marriage won't restrict his freedom.

21.7 Deciding Whom to Marry vs. Deciding When to

Marry

Men, in general, decide when to marry. E.g., a man expects to marry when he's established
in his career and owns a home. Whom he marries is a decision requiring less consideration-he
proposes to the woman he's going out with when he's ready to marry.
Women, in general, decide whom to marry. Women expect to meet Prince Charming, fall
in love, and live happily ever after.
When men choose whom to marry, they often handle the decision badly. E.g., a man who
attracts many women prefers to have several casual relationships instead of switching to
feminine sexuality and one monogamous relationship. Or a man who rarely attracts women
is unable to tell the rare woman who wants him how much he needs her.
Conversely, men have difficulty deciding not to get involved with women that they're not
seriously interested in, if the women want them.
Women have difficulty choosing when to marry. E.g., a woman who wants a family feels
increasing anxiety as she approaches 30 without having met Prince Charming. Unlike a
man, she doesn't automatically marry whomever she's going out with when she's ready to
marry.
Conversely, women have difficulty choosing when to break off a relationship. E.g., a woman
moves in with the first man she sort of likes, and hopes that over time he'll improve (see
"Boyfriend Lies," page 71). Or she settles for a man whom she really likes, and accepts a
suboptimal relationship-e.g., he lives in another city, or is involved with another woman-and
hopes that the relationship improves. Ten years later, these women have invested so much
time that they don't want to "cut their losses" and break off their relationships.

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 Deciding Whom to Marry vs. Deciding When to Marry

Women should instead think more about when they want to marry, and less about whom
they want to marry. Women have a relatively narrow time window to marry. Marrying
before 26 is unwise because most individuals develop stable adult identities only after 26
(see "Developing an Adult Identity," page 80). But women who want families should marry
by 30, or risk increasing infertility. Additionally, women become less attractive to men
as they age (see "Youth," page 23). Because women prefer to marry older men, fewer
unmarried men are available as women age (see "Man Shortage or Woman Shortage?" page
96). 28 to 30 is the ideal age for women to marry, depending on each individual woman's
maturity and how many children (if any) she desires.
If you're a woman, estimate how many men you've dated in your lifetime. Set a goal to date
this many men from now until the date you propose. I.e., use masculine sexuality, dating
many potential partners (this doesn't mean having sex with many partners). Pick the best
man and ask him to marry you (that's right-you propose). If you're over 25 and set at least
two years for this dating period, you're statistically unlikely to meet a better partner after
you've married.1
Men should decide whom they want to marry. Don't get involved with women whom you
don't want to marry. They'll try to stop you from dating other women. Wait until you
meet a woman with whom you feel, "I could marry this woman." Then tell her that-even
if it's on the first date. Don't try to have casual sex with her or play other games (i.e., you
should use feminine sexuality, wanting a monogamous relationship). If she's hesitant, tell
her that you'll wait until she's ready-even if you have to wait ten years.

1 These statistics rely on some fuzzy-but-true assumptions. First, the average age of marriage is around 25.
Each year after you're 25, fewer potential partners are unmarried (this is more true for women and less
true for men, due to older men marrying younger women). Second, young people date more than older
people, so the number of individuals you date before 27 is probably equal to the number of individuals you
date after 27. Third, if you set a goal of dating a certain number of individuals, you date more individuals
than if you don't set a goal.

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22 Conflict In Relationships

Unresolved conflict wastes our time and energy, but resolving conflict makes us better off
than we were before the conflict. If we never conflicted, we'd never change, achieve, create,
or grow.

22.1 Conjunct Relationships

Partners who agree about everything can make each other miserable. E.g., you're fired from
your job. You tell your partner that you'll never amount to anything. Your partner agrees.
That isn't what you need to hear!
The myth: All relationship problems stem from conflict.
Reality: If both partners are miserable, they're not in conflict. The partners should work
on disagreeing. Conflict will help them grow to a new life stage, in which they're no longer
miserable.

22.2 Opposite Relationships

In an opposite relationship, if you come home in an extreme emotion, e.g., despair, your
partner responds with the opposite emotion, e.g., hope. If you lost your job, your partner
says that you'll get a better job.
Or you win big in Las Vegas. You feel happy. Without a partner, or with a conjunct
partner, you'll place another bet. You don't need a Ph.D. in statistics to know that if
you continue to bet, sooner or later you'll lose. But your opposite partner recognizes your
overconfidence, and suggests that you quit while you're ahead. You agree, and take your
partner out to a romantic restaurant.
Handled well, opposite partners pull each other from emotional extremes to the emotionally
neutral center. There each can shift to another emotion. If an opposite relationship is
unhappy, try to compromise.
Romantic movies begin with opposite individuals. She's Donald Trump's personal assistant.
He's a foot-long hot dog vendor. Over time they grow to appreciate and love each other.
We enjoy romantic movies because we recognize that opposite relationships are ideal for
two individuals.
• The myth: Agreement is the basis of happy relationships.
• Reality: Opposites attract-and create balanced, emotionally healthy relationships.

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Conflict In Relationships

22.3 Triangular Relationships

Think of a three-person relationship you've been in. You had adventures together, bounc-
ing ideas off each other that no one individual would have thought of. Together you felt
balanced.
Now recall how you felt with one of these partners, when the third partner was missing.
You felt connected to your partner, but in an oblique way. You didn't agree, yet you didn't
openly conflict. While such a relationship looks peaceful on the outside, it's confusing for
the partners. Attempts to bring the relationship closer misfire, as if each partner can't see
exactly where the other is. They can't pull each other to the emotionally neutral center.
E.g., Joe loses his job and comes home feeling down. Mary is watching her favorite television
show. Joe sits down with her, but can't get his mind off his troubles. He doesn't want to
disturb her so doesn't say anything. Mary notices that Joe is fidgety, but figures that if
something is bothering him he'll say something. She continues to enjoy her television show.
No conflict occurs, but neither partner's emotions change.
Their third roommate, Chris, comes home. Chris isn't interested in Mary's television show,
and notices that Joe seems down. Chris mentions this to Mary. Mary switches off the
television, and all three sit down to talk. Together they balance and reach the neutral
center. If two individuals are in an unhappy triangular relationship, find the missing third
partner.
• The myth: The only "real" relationships have two partners.
• Reality: A three-person relationship can be as happy and effective as a two-person rela-
tionship.

22.4 Square Relationships

When two individuals' personalities relate squarely, the partners are at cross-purposes. The
partners expend energy fighting each other. The relationship goes nowhere and produces
nothing.
Including a third side of the square changes the heat into light. The energy of the two
fighting partners produces creative, innovative achievement for the third partner.
Including the fourth side of the square stops the fighting. The partners' energy now goes
entirely to creativity and achievement.
E.g., when I was in graduate school, four classmates and I did a six-month consulting
project with a manufacturing company. My classmates agreed about everything. I didn't.
Our clients agreed with me. Our professors agreed with my classmates. The four sides of
the square were my classmates, me, the client (300 managers and employees), and the two
professors.
When we five students got together, we'd verbally fight for hours, day after day, getting
nowhere. My classmates even once threatened to beat me up.

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 Larger Groups

The clients disliked my classmates, and avoided working with them. A client manager once
threatened to beat up one of my classmates.
But when my classmates and I worked with our clients, we achieved tremendous results.
Near the end of the project, we met with seven other teams of students working with
other companies. The other teams (all of which had 12 students) had little or no conflict.
They reported minor, superficial results. When we reported what we were doing, jaws
dropped across the audience. Afterwards, students enviously asked how the five of us had
accomplished so much.
Looking back, I wish we'd involved the professors more. On the few occasions when the
professors were with us, we didn't fight.
Symbolically, the vertical axis represents the connection between heaven and earth, i.e., our
inner connection to spirit. The horizontal axis represents our connection to other people.
A square relationship can connect us to other people while helping us grow.
• The myth: Compromise solves all problems.
• Reality: Stand your ground, but bring additional partners into the relationship.
• More reality: A couple can relate differently in different areas of their lives. E.g., a couple
might share a hobby, have opposite careers, live with a third person, and participate in
a square community relationship (e.g., a school's parents, teachers, administrators, and
students).

22.5 Larger Groups

Larger groups also can pull an individual from an emotional extreme to the emotionally
neutral center. When relationships push women to emotional extremes, they turn to their
friends for support.
Men, in contrast, don't talk to other men about their problems. But this is the value of
men's issues groups. When men overcome their reluctance and go to a meeting, much comes
out. Because of the emotional intensity men experience in these groups, and the resulting
personal and spiritual growth, men's groups are often held in churches (e.g., Promise Keep-
ers). Men's groups can also be located through your university or on your newspaper's
community events page. (Don't just use an online men's issues group. Talking to each
other face-to-face is important-and you might actually like the group hug at the end of the
meeting.)
Or start a relationships books reading group at a bookstore café. Ask the bookstore to
put your meetings on their calendar of events. Plan a meeting to discuss personal ads,
and ask a newspaper's personal ads section to advertise the meeting free. Invite psychol-
ogists or your favorite author-me, of course!-as guest speakers. Announce your group on
FriendshipCenter1 .

1 http://www.FriendshipCenter.com/hearts

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Conflict In Relationships

22.6 Dyad Trouble

A dyad is the personality of a couple. When your friends refer to you and your partner as
"Betty-and-Bob," as if the two of you were one person, you've become a dyad.
Adolescents don't handle dyads well. A young man who hasn't proven himself in the world-
i.e., hasn't developed a strong individual personality-feels threatened by the compromises
necessary to form a dyad with his girlfriend.
Young women, in general, are happy to lose themselves in a dyad. But a man can easily
manipulate a young woman who lacks a strong individual personality. The young woman
may do things against her self-interest, to benefit her partner. She strengthens her dyad
personality to make up for her lack of individual personality. If this weakens her individual
personality, she goes into a downward spiral. Her growing dyad personality pushes out her
individual personality, until she has no individual will.

A man is more likely to let the relationship suffer to hold on to his sense of self, while a
woman is more apt to let her identity suffer to help strengthen it.a

a Schnarch, David. Passionate Marriage.

Young men do this too. E.g., military units eliminate soldiers' individual personalities,
substituting the group personality. Recruits are taught that individually they are nothing,
but the group they compose is strong.
These gender roles reverse after 40. Older men enjoy losing their individuality in a dyad.
Older women enjoy independence.

22.7 Staying in Relationships

Two-thirds of unhappily married couples that stay together report happiness five years later.
The unhappier the couple, the more likely they are to be happy five years later, if they stay
together.
Unhappily married couples who divorce and unhappily married couples who stay together
are, five years later, equally happy.2
Sometimes an individual blames his or her spouse for his or her unhappiness, when he or
she has a deeper, hidden cause of unhappiness. Divorce doesn't solve these individuals'
problems.
Divorce sometimes creates problems. Divorce sets in motion events over which the individ-
uals have little control-reactions of children or relatives, or difficulty finding or maintaining
a new relationship.

2 "Divorce no ticket to happiness, study says" (quoting University of Chicago study by Linda Waite, pub-
lished by the Institute for American Values), Reuters Health, 2002-07-12, http://www.reutershealth.
com/archive/2002/07/12/eline/links/20020712elin023.html. Kary, Tiffany. "Don't Divorce, Be
Happy," Psychology Today, December 2002, p. 26.

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 Staying in Relationships

"In two years you will be in a similar room, packing in a similar way, walking out on the
next guy, and then two years after that on the next one, and one day you'll look back
and say, 'What do I have to show for the last ten years?'"
I kept throwing my clothes and [our daughter's clothes] into the suitcase in one big
jumble.
"But," Aaron went on, "you could stay and work this out with me, and in ten years
you'll look back and you'll say 'I preserved this family,' and that will be the thing you
will be most proud of, no matter what else you do with your life."
I stopped, frozen by the clarity of what he had said about me. There aren't many times
in your life you hear a truth so piercing. There was no attack, just a simple assessment
of my future.
When the cab came, he sent it away. We talked, we cried, and we agreed to try. It's
nineteen years later, and it is the thing I am most proud of.a

a Stahl, Lesley. Reporting Live (Touchstone, 2000, ISBN 068485371X).

As a child, you didn't accept responsibility for your failures. When you act like a child, you
blame your partner for your issues. Then you repeat the problem in the next relationship.
You blame all men or all women for having the same problem.
In the adolescent life stage, your relationships fail, but you expect points for trying. This
is better, but you're not ready for marriage.
In the adult life stage, you accept your partner's faults and value her strengths. You stay
together even when a relationship isn't perfect. You may also stay together because your
children's happiness is more important than your own happiness.
Couples stuck between the adolescent and adult life stages criticize and nag each other.
They're consciously determined to stay together (adult life stage), but express unhappiness
in ways that makes the partner aware of his or her failure (adolescent life stage). Or, worse, a
spouse uses childhood finality to express unhappiness (e.g., "You never do anything right.").

Couples who are destined for divorce start out an argument in anger, criticize, show
contempt for each other, and act defensively. When one tries to make peace, the other
refuses. Quite often one (usually the woman) will [emotionally] overwhelm the other,
who withdraws emotionally....Over months and years of arguing like this, couples amass
so many bad memories that one or both of them just give up.a

a Rosenthal, Norman E. The Emotional Revolution: How The New Science Of Feelings Can Transform
Your Life (Citadel, 2002, ISBN 0-8065-2295-X), p. 281.

Consumer Reports found that marital counseling received the lowest ratings, compared to
patients seeking help for other problems. Only about 35% of couples experience long-term
benefit form marital counseling.3

3 Fletcher, Garth. The New Science of Intimate Relationships (Blackwell, 2002, ISBN 0-631-22077-1), p.
140, referring to Gottman, J.M., Coan, J., Carrère, S., Swanson, C. "Predicting marriage happiness and
stability from newlywed interactions," Journal of Marriage and the Family, 60, 5-22 (1998).

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Conflict In Relationships

In general, marital counseling help couples who are experiencing communication problems.
But psychologists are notorious for only working on communication problems, and ignoring
other issues.

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23 Personality Types

141
24 Emotional Control Systems

Reptile1 s — and unemotional people — always react the same way to events. Mammal2 s,
in contrast, select from a variety of reactions. Emotions enable flexible responses to envi-
ronmental stimuli.3
Emotional control systems are hardwired into mammalian brains.4 Neuroscientists have
identified ten emotional control systems. These emotions are:
1. Seeking and anticipation5 ; energetic, goal-directed searches for food, shelter, mates,
etc.
2. Homeostasis6 — balance of oxygen, water, temperature, etc. — and the discomfort
of deprivation and pleasure of relief.
3. Anger7 and rage, when another animal steals our resources (food, shelter, mate).
4. Fear8 , and fearful anticipation of the future.
5. Separation distress9 , e.g., when a mother and child lose each other. This is the basis
of anxiety and panic.
6. Sexuality and lust10 .
7. Nurturance and maternal behavior.
8. Fun, joy, and playing to create social bonds.
9. Sorrow, grief, and loneliness.
10. The sense of self.
These neural pathways are the basis of personality types. While everyone has all ten emo-
tional control systems, different circuits are stronger or weaker in different individuals. A
neural pathway that an individual uses often becomes myelinated or stronger.11 E.g., a
mother develops strong maternal instincts.
An individual's personality type is the emotional control system she uses most often. One
of the goals of personal growth is to strengthen underused emotional control systems. An
immature individual responds to all events with the same emotion.

1 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reptile
2 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mammal
3 Panksepp, Jaak. Affective Neuroscience: The Foundations of Human and Animal Emotions (Oxford Univ,
1998, ISBN: 0195096738), p. 50.
4 Panksepp, Jaak. Affective Neuroscience: The Foundations of Human and Animal Emotions (Oxford Univ,
1998, ISBN: 0195096738), p. 52.
5 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/anticipation
6 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Homeostasis
7 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anger
8 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fear
9 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Separation%20anxiety
10 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/lust
11 Pearce, Joseph Chilton. Evolution's End: Claiming the Potential of Our Intelligence (Harper San Fran-
cisco, 1992, ISBN 0-06-250732-X), 21-22.

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Emotional Control Systems

24.1 Archetypes

Personality types repeat in human experiences generation after generation. These

archetypes appear in the ancient world as gods and in myths and folktales.12 Archetypes
appear in the modern world as celebrities, movie formulas, and recurring news events.
The above ten emotional control systems, plus several speculative circuits, form the fifteen
personality types in the following chapters. The speculative emotional control systems are
• Valuing the past through tradition, ritual, and ceremony (Hera).
• Homemaking (Hestia).
• Skillful use of tools, especially controlling fire (Hephaestus).
• The quest for meaning (Dionysus).
Additionally, Poseidon symbolizes the limbic brain not integrated with the cerebral cortex,
and Apollo symbolizes the reverse.
Individuals embody different archetypes at different life stages. E.g., a young woman may
embody Aphrodite, the goddess of romantic love and feminine beauty. In her 30s, she
becomes Demeter, the mother. Later she embodies Hestia, making a beautiful home. Or
she may pursue a career, embodying Athena.
The transition between archetypes can be difficult. E.g., an Artemis woman

...in her twenties and thirties may resent her suitors and keep them at a distance or
choose only those who would never qualify as lifelong partners. For her, dating partners
may be temporary liaisons to share an adventure, men who need a lot of distance, or
female lovers. Then, in her forties, she may be shocked to find herself feeling lonely and
depressed as Artemis recedes from center stage, her developmental needs may suddenly
contradict the ruling archetype, requiring emergence of a new pattern, such as Demeter,
the goddess of motherhood. If her ego remains identified with the old pattern, this
transition can be confusing and painful.a

a Zweig, C., Wolf, S. Romancing The Shadow: Illuminating The Dark Side Of The Soul (Ballantine
Books, 1997, ISBN 0345417399), p. 122.

24.2 Opposites Attract

Similar personalities cause marital problems. E.g., Artemis and Ares look similar, but
competition drives the couple apart. The easy road to divorce is to match your spouse's
archetype.
In a successful relationship, a partner responds to his partner by selecting an emotion
opposite to her emotional state (see "Opposite Relationships13 "). But opposite personalities
are immediately painful. E.g., your wife embodies Hestia and buys every item in Martha
Stewart's catalog. You embody Hermes and suggest taking a vacation-hopping freight

12 Samuels, Andrew. Critical Dictionary of Jungian Analysis.

13 Chapter 22.2 on page 135

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 Opposites Attract

trains. You'll argue and disagree. But handled well you'll "get on like a house on fire." In
the long term, this will produce a happy marriage-and balanced individuals.
Encourage your spouse to embody your opposite archetype. You embody his opposite. E.g.,
an Athena woman who married an Apollo man (similar personality types) should develop
her Artemis energy (his opposite). He should develop his Poseidon side (her opposite). But
don't do this at the same time-Artemis and Poseidon don't match.
Ideally, a couple uses all fifteen archetypes, at different times. But most couples stay with
a few main archetypes. You need a village of relationships to use all the archetypal pairs.

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25 Zeus-Hera

25.1 Zeus

Figure 1 "President Bill Clinton plays the saxophone presented to him by Russian
President Boris Yeltsin," Novoya Ogarova Dacha, Russia, January 13, 1994. Photo by Bob
McNeely.a
a Photo by Bob McNeely. Courtesy of the White House (P011471-26A).
www.nara.gov/exhall/picturing_the_century/galleries/century.html

Celebrities
John F. Kennedy, William Shatner (Captain Kirk on Star Trek), Alan Alda, Bill Clinton,
Boris Yeltsin, Jesse Jackson, Sean Connery.
Hairstyle
A full head of hair, graying at the temples.
Shoes
$1300 polished black Allen-Edmonds.1
Favorite Movie
The Godfather, starring Marlon Brando (1972).
Mythology
Hades, Poseidon, and Zeus drew lots for their kingdoms. Zeus got the sky, Poseidon the
seas, and Hades the underworld. They agreed to share the earth. Instead, Zeus dominated
the earth and the humans who later inhabited it. The Romans knew Zeus as Jupiter.
Emotional Control System
The sense of self enables power, freedom, and dominance. Too little Zeus energy causes
impotence or passive-aggression.
Life Purpose
Zeus, Poseidon, and Hades were the "alpha" males of the Greek pantheon. Zeus men
conform to society's rules. A Zeus man seeks a public identity-usually a career-that matches
his inner sense of self-importance.
Shadow

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Zeus-Hera

Zeus men are status-seekers. A Zeus man may use deception to create the appearance of
success. He may sacrifice his subordinates. He may claim credit for another person's work.
He may blame another person for his failures.
As the sky god, Zeus saw in wide overviews. He didn't have his feet on the ground. Zeus
men can be ungrounded, out of touch with reality. They believe in positive thinking. They
tune out negative facts and feelings. E.g., employees say that a "reality distortion field"
surrounds Steve Jobs.
A Zeus man may work for years to achieve success, then find that it's not what he expected.
He spends his life climbing a mountain-then realizes that he climbed the wrong mountain.
Other Personality Type Systems
Zeus is represented in astrology by Capricorn (integrity, or matching one's personal nature
with one's public identity), the 10th House (of Career), and the planet Jupiter. Zeus is
Enneagram personality type #3, the Status-Seeker.
Sex
Zeus had sex with any beautiful woman he fancied-and paid the price with a jealous and
vengeful wife. Zeus men keep mistresses. But Zeus men aren't great lovers. Their focus
on power stunts their emotional maturity.
Meeting
To meet Zeus men, be young and beautiful and have a rich and powerful father.

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 Hera

25.2 Hera

Figure 2 Nancy Reagan

As far as I am concerned, I never really lived until I met Ronnie. Oh, I know that this
is not the popular admission these days....But Ronnie is my reason for being happy.
Without him, I'd be quite miserable and have no real purpose or direction in life.

Celebrities
Yousef; Hairstyle : Big hair. Sleeps in rollers.

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Zeus-Hera

Shoes
Anne Klein slingbacks.
Favorite Movie
The Stepford Wives, starring Katherine Ross (1975).
Mythology
Hera was the wife of Zeus. She jealously and cruelly persecuted Zeus's lovers and their
children. The Romans knew Hera as Juno.
Emotional Control System<
Hera energy is about tradition, ritual, and ceremony.
Life Purpose
A Hera woman's life purpose is to embody her culture's traditions. She uses awareness of
the past to create group cohesion. She makes individuals feel they are part of a group by
reminding them what the group did in the past.
Shadow
Women who embody Hera often marry doctors, lawyers, or other successful men. But they
don't really love their husbands. They love being a successful wife.
Hera women love children who behave properly. But when their children don't fit their
ideals, Hera women disconnect or even abandon their children. E.g., look at Nancy Reagan
and her non-relationships with daughter Patti and son Ronnie.
Too much Hera energy makes an individual a caricature of whom she thinks she is. Too
little makes an individual not take anything seriously.
Some women today reject Hera. They remember their mothers in the 1950s or 1960s,
dependent and self-sacrificing. But pushing Hera into the shadow can cause a woman to
feel emptiness, or incompleteness. Such a woman should consciously bring Hera's rituals
into her life, in ways that don't betray her ideals.
Other Personality Type Systems
Hera is represented in astrology by Libra (balancing two people or forces) and the 7th
House (of Marriage and open enemies). Hera is Enneagram personality type #3, the
Status-Seeker.
Sex
To Hera women, sex is part of marriage.
Meeting
To meet Hera women, make lots of money. Then join a country club, go to art museum
benefits, and other society events.

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 Zeus-Hera Marriage

25.3 Zeus-Hera Marriage

A Zeus-Hera marriage tempers power with tradition. A couple that successfully uses this
energy increases their social status.
Zeus
Zeus men see women as either marriageable-beautiful daughters of wealthy, prominent
families-or women for sex. They use marriage in their rise to power, e.g., marrying the
boss's daughter. Once in power, they go for the beautiful young nymphs.
Hera
Hera women subscribe to wedding magazines. A Hera woman's wedding is the most
important day of her life.
A Hera woman may mistakenly marry an Apollo man. Apollo men aren't leaders. She'll
push him into a CEO position in which he'll fail, when he would've been a successful
vice-president. She'll ruin his career and then divorce him.
Under Stress
Under stress, Zeus and Hera becomes Dionysus. When "the going gets tough," a Zeus man
or Hera woman loses emotional coldness and distance. A wounded, human side comes out.
At best, he becomes a hero-and becomes sexy to women. She becomes a "real person"-and
sexy to men.
At worst, a Zeus man or a Hera woman becomes hysterical, or turns to another side of
Dionysus-alcohol.
When Safe
When safe, Zeus and Hera becomes Poseidon. They continue to be "alpha," but "lets their
hair down" and show emotions.

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26 Poseidon-Athena

26.1 Poseidon

Celebrities
George S. Patton, Che Guevara, Fidel Castro, Jack Kerouac, Jerry Lee Lewis, Bob Dylan,
Bob Marley, Larry Flynt, Kurt Cobain.
Hairstyle
Not recently cut-a roughneck.
Shoes
Cowboy boots.
Favorite Movie
Death Wish, starring Charles Bronson (1974).
Mythology
Poseidon ruled the seas. He was discontent that Zeus controlled the earth. Poseidon
repeatedly-and always unsuccessfully- rebelled against Zeus. The Romans knew Poseidon
as Neptune.
Poseidon's sons were monsters-giant Cyclops. But father and sons were loyal to each
other. After Odysseus blinded Poseidon's son Polyphemus, Poseidon vindictively pursued
Odysseus for 20 years.
Poseidon's animal was the horse. Horses symbolize masculine emotions. The prairies
are like oceans. ; Emotional Control System : Poseidon symbolized intense, irrational
emotions-limbic emotion unmediated by cerebral cortex cognition.
Life Purpose
A Poseidon man's life purpose is to lead a band of rebels. He needs friends who are loyal
to him, but rebellious against society's rules.
Poseidon men experience deeper emotions than other men. Other men express emotions
as if they're splashing in the waves at the beach. Poseidon men experience the depths of
the soul. Poseidon men can be great artists or poets.
Poseidon energy is the "wild man" of the mythopoetic men's movement. The women's
movement is about careers, power, and justice. The men's movement is about feeling and
expressing emotions. The wild man is instinctive, untamed, and in touch with nature.
Robert Bly, in his book Iron John, shows contemporary men how to get in touch with

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their wild man. Bly shows how to use this strength to become a courageous and loving
man.
Shadow
Poseidon men live in two worlds: the ocean depths of emotion, and the dry land of society.
A Poseidon man lives in the civilized world by repressing his emotions and presenting a
calm, smooth surface. But sooner or later his bottled-up emotions become a furious storm.

Kurt [Cobain] was a complicated, contradictory misanthrope....He professed in many

interviews to detest the exposure he'd gotten on MTV, yet he would call his managers
to complain when the network didn't play his videos often enough. He planned every
musical or career direction, writing out ideas in his journals years before he was able
to execute them. Yet, as soon as he was bestowed the honors he had sought, he acted
as if they were a terrible inconvenience. He was a man of imposing will, yet he was
equally driven by a powerful self-hatred.a |Charles R. Cross

a Cross, Charles R. "Heavier Then Heaven: The Fall of Kurt Cobain," Playboy, September 2001, p.82.

Poseidon men resent Zeus men. E.g., a Poseidon man may experience disaster when he
attempts to run a business. And Poseidon men aren't good losers. Zeus men believe that
they play by the rules-with the help of Apollo lawyers-and win fair and square. But a
Poseidon man who doesn't understand the rules feels that he was cheated.
Under Stress
Under stress, Poseidon becomes Zeus. When "the going gets tough," Poseidon men seek
power and status-and often fail. E.g., on March 30, 1981, a mentally ill gunman shot
President Ronald Reagan. Vice-President George H. W. Bush was in an airplane.
There was chaos in the press room....[Secretary of State Alexander] Haig went directly
to the rostrum. Until that moment he had been intensely focused on the crisis and had
been steady, although testy and combative. Now I could see his knuckles turn white as
he grasped the lectern; his arms shook and his knees began to wobble.
PRESS REPRESENTATIVE: Who is making the decisions for the government right now?
HAIG: As of now, I am in control here, in the White House.1
The Constitution passes control to the Vice-President, and then to the Congress.2 Amer-
icans ridiculed Haig for his gaffe. He suddenly resigned several months later. (Haig now
is "in control" of infomercials in Boca Raton, Florida.)
When Safe
When safe, Poseidon becomes Dionysus. Find Poseidon cowboys down at the honky-tonk,
imbibing libations to Dionysus, selecting emotionally wounded country-western songs on
the jukebox, and attracting women.

1 Allen, Richard. "The Day Reagan Was Shot," The Atlantic Monthly, April 2001, http://www.
theatlantic.com/issues/2001/04/allen.htm. You can listen to the conversations at http://www.npr.
org/programs/morning/ features/2001/mar/010320.reagan.html
2 United States Constitution, Article II, Section 1 (http://lcweb2.loc.gov/ const/const.html), Amend-
ment XXV (http://lcweb2.loc.gov/const/amend.html)

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 Athena

Other Personality Type Systems

Poseidon is represented in astrology by Aquarius (rebellion) and the 11th House (of
Friends). Poseidon is Enneagram personality type #6, the Devil's Advocate.
Sex
Poseidon men bring emotional intensity to sex. This can be good, but can also be bad for
a woman who doesn't want sex.
Meeting
To meet Poseidon men, take up sailing, get a horse, or go to a blues club.

26.2 Athena

Celebrities
Judges, prosecutors, executives, teachers.
Hairstyle
Athena wore a helmet. Athena women wear their hair styled to look like a helmet.
Shoes
Low-heeled pumps.
Favorite Television Series
The X-Files, starring Gillian Anderson.
Mythology
Athena was the goddess of cities, military and political strategy, and crafts (e.g., weaving,
pottery, metal smithing). She protected and advised heroic men, e.g., Perseus, Jason,
Odysseus, and Heracles (Hercules). The Romans knew Athena as Minerva. Her animal
was the owl.
Emotional Control System
Fearful anticipation of the future. Athena was born wearing armor. Athena energy is
worry, fear, vigilance, and defense. Athena is active when you put on a helmet for a bike
ride, change the battery in your smoke detector, and lock your door at night. Too little
Athena energy is reckless or "happy go lucky."
Life Purpose
An Athena woman's life goal is perfection. She's judgmental, critical, conscientious, clean,
thrifty, and efficient. She expresses criticism, but her criticism of others is minor compared
to her inner self-criticism.
Things have to be a certain way. "Love" and "perfect" merge. She expects to feel love
only in a perfect relationship, in a perfect home.
Shadow

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Poseidon-Athena

Overactive Athena energy becomes paranoia or phobia.

Ethics problems.
Athena women can't stand people who break the rules. This isn't the same as being
ethical-ethics require compassion. Athena women will follow (or enforce) the rules even
when the result is unethical. E.g., in 1979, Hillary Clinton earned $100,000 profit on a
$1,000 investment in cattle futures.3 She never suspected that her brokers were mak-
ing fraudulent trades to bribe her husband. She didn't break any rules, but allowed
questionable conduct to happen around her.
The Medusa effect.
Medusa was a monster with serpents instead of hair. Her gaze turned people into stone.
Athena helped Perseus kill Medusa. Then Athena used Medusa's head as one of her
symbols. Athena women can intellectually dissect an opponent, making the person feel
she is "turning to stone" and unable to think or speak. Athena women can take the life
out of a party or conversation. The "Medusa effect" can destroy a relationship.
Gender problems.
Athena girls consider other girls to be silly. They prefer to play with boys. Athena killed
her childhood friend Pallas (granddaughter of Poseidon and Amphitrite) in a competitive
game. Similarly, Athena women's competitiveness can kill their friendships with other
women. Athena executives can be unsupportive of other women, especially lower-status
women such as secretaries. But, as Athena grieved for Pallas, Athena women later grieve
for their lost friendships.
"Ladies Against Women."
Athena supported Orestes in his trial for murdering his mother Clytemnestra. This
symbolized the new patriarchy succeeding the old matriarchy. Athena women defend
men against women's interests. E.g., Phyllis Schlafly led the 1970s fight against the
Equal Rights Amendment. Athena women support feminist principles as long as the
issue is workplace equality. Don't expect support for other feminist issues.
Lack of nurturing.
Athena mothers hire nannies to raise their children. They'd rent surrogate mothers to
produce the babies, if they could. They can be good mothers of competitive, extroverted,
intellectual children-but not of sensitive, physical, or emotional children.
Under Stress
Under stress, Athena women become Hestia. They become melodramatic. Gardening,
nature, children, and pets help them reduce stress. They see in these creatures purity,
without rules or judgment.
When Safe

3 Babcock, Charles. "Hillary Clinton Futures Trades Detailed," The Washington Post, May 27, 1994, page
A01; http://www.Washington post.com/wp-srv/politics/special/whitewater/stories/wwtr940527.htm;
"Cattlegate", Hillary Rodham Clinton: What Every American Should Know (The American Conserva-
tive Union), http://www.conservative.org/ book/chapter3.htm, http://www.washingtonpost.com/
wp-srv/politics/special/whitewater/stories/wwtr940527.htm,

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 Poseidon-Athena

When safe, Athena women become Hermes or Aphrodite. With friends they become
charming and happy. They like weekend "New Age" personal growth retreats, if the
messages from the gods are upbeat.
Other Personality Type Systems
Athena is represented in astrology by Taurus (security) and the 2nd House (of Money).
Athena is Enneagram personality type #1, the Judge.
Sex
Athena was one of the three virgin goddesses.,4 Athena women like men and are happiest
in professional relationships with men. But keep your hands to yourself-she doesn't want
the emotional entanglements of sex.
Meeting
To meet Athena women, go to professional conferences.

26.3 Poseidon-Athena

A Poseidon-Athena tempers emotions with prudence. A couple that successfully uses this
energy express feelings without getting into trouble.
Poseidon
Poseidon wanted to marry the sea nymph Amphitrite. He tried to dominate her. She
didn't want to marry him, and fled. She agreed only when Poseidon sent a dolphin to talk
to her. Poseidon men should work on their ability to communicate with women-or ask a
friend to talk for them.
Athena
Athena women go for heroes-e.g., Perseus, Jason, Odysseus, Heracles. Sensitive, compas-
sionate, romantic men don't attract Athena women. They want powerful "alpha" males,
preferably waving swords.
Athena women typically marry Zeus men, e.g., Hillary and Bill Clinton. Statues of Zeus
and Athena show her standing guard beside her seated king. But this isn't a good marriage
choice. The Athena woman will endlessly defend her husband's mistakes- including his
endless philandering.5
Another bad marriage choice is an Apollo man. They'll have lousy sex.
Athena women should marry Poseidon men-but only heroic Poseidon men. \ One of
Athena's gifts to humanity was the bridle, to control horses.6 He'll keep her emotions
active, i.e., stop her from "living in her head." She'll keep him integrated into society, i.e.,
employed and out of jail. E.g., Athena restrained Achilles from drawing his sword in anger

4 Bolen, Jean Shinoda. Goddesses in Everywoman (HarperCollins, 1984, ISBN 006091291X), p. 75.
5 Bolen, Jean Shinoda. Goddesses in Everywoman (HarperCollins, 1984, ISBN 006091291X), the weaving
contest between Athena and Arachne.
6 Bolen, Jean Shinoda. Goddesses in Everywoman (HarperCollins, 1984, ISBN 006091291X), p. 75.

157
Poseidon-Athena

against his leader, Agamemnon. Expect titanic battles, but in the long run they'll balance
and mature.
Athena-Poseidon romances are a popular movie and television theme-the cool business-
woman and the troubled-but-passionate man. E.g., on Cheers, Sam and Diane's on-again,
off-again romance entertained viewers for five years. In Broadcast News (1987), Athena
news producer Holly Hunter chooses between Apollo reporter Albert Brooks and Poseidon
news anchor William Hurt. In The Abyss (1989), Ed Harris plays a cowboy-style foreman
on a sea floor oil drilling rig. Events bring his ex-wife, an engineering manager played by
Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio, to his undersea palace.

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27 Apollo-Artemis

27.1 Apollo

Figure 3 "General Maxwell Taylor (left) and Secretary of Defense Robert McNamara
(center) meet with President John F. Kennedy to give him appraisal of the situation in
South Viet Nam. The two returned from a close-up inspection of the guerilla war in Viet
Nam," October 2, 1963.a
a United Press International photograph. Library of Congress, Prints and Photographs Division [LC-USZ62-
121433].

Celebrities
Robert McNamara, Leonard Nimoy (Spock) on Star Trek; George H. W. Bush, law pro-
fessors and legal scholars.
Hairstyle
curly and golden .
Shoes
$150 tasseled loafers.
Favorite Television Series
Masterpiece Theater every Sunday night on PBS.
Mythology
Apollo was the Sun god, the lawgiver, and the god of art, music, and poetry. With the
motto "Nothing in excess," this was art of good taste and moderation.
Apollo became god of prophecy after killing the oracular serpent Python. This symbolized
an archaic goddess of prophecy superseded by the rule of law. Today we use laws to make
prophecies, e.g., "If you park in that handicapped space you'll get a ticket." Or we use
Oracle(r) computer databases to predict everything from elections to economics.
Emotional Control System
The right hemisphere of the cerebral cortex processes new information. It's connected to
the limbic brain, and so we incorrectly say that emotions are "right brain." Saying that
the right hemisphere is more holistic is more accurate.

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Apollo-Artemis

The left hemisphere, in contrast, analyzes information and creates logic, associations, and
abstractions. Language is produced in the left hemisphere. The left hemisphere develops
later in utero than the right hemisphere, and is thought to have evolved later.1
The left hemisphere is poorly connected to the limbic and reptilian brains. Individuals
who embody Apollo live the "life of the mind," unconnected to their emotions or bodies.
New ideas usually arise from a person with all three brain systems integrated. Apollo men
dislike new ideas. They prefer the classics, which can be appreciated solely with one's left
hemisphere.
Life Purpose
Like the Sun, an Apollo man's life purpose is to illuminate the darkness, via clear thinking
following abstract principles. These men shine. They're "bright."
Shadow
Apollo was Zeus's son. Apollo men function best as vice-presidents or the "right hand
man" of a powerful leader. These men aren't leaders.
Apollo men observe events without getting emotionally involved. Their lives can become
detached or compartmentalized. They dislike spontaneity. They want to see a schedule
before committing to attend an event. They like to read a book-or every book on a
subject-before beginning a project.
Under Stress
Under stress, Apollo becomes Demeter. When the going gets tough, an Apollo second-in-
command takes care of the subordinates that the Zeus leader forgets about.
When Safe
When safe, Apollo men become Artemis/Ares/Hephaestus. Their hobbies are goal-
directed, e.g., collecting stamps. Apollo men are sports fans. They can work hard when
they feel safe.
Other Personality Type Systems
Apollo isn't represented in astrology. Apollo could be represented by Enneagram person-
ality type #1 (The Reformer), but the other competency types (E3 The Performer and E5
The Observer) could also be used as all three types are disconnected from their emotional
center and prefer to use logic to solve problems.
Sex
Schedule it into his Daytimer or it won't happen.
Meeting
Go to business school. You'll meet many bright, capable Apollo men-but you might not
be able to tell one from another.

1 Pearce, Joseph Chilton. Evolution's End: Claiming the Potential of Our Intelligence (Harper San Fran-
cisco, 1992, ISBN 0-06-250732-X), 36-37.

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 Artemis

27.2 Artemis

Celebrities
"Jo" in Little Women, Amelia Earhart, Gloria Steinem, Aretha Franklin, Jane Fonda,
Princess Mononoke, Nike ads for women.
Hairstyle
Short, windblown.
Shoes
Athletic shoes, hiking boots.
Favorite Movie
Alien, starring Sigourney Weaver (1979).
Mythology
Artemis roamed the wilderness with her band of nymphs and her pack of dogs. As a
hunter and an archer, her arrows always hit her target. Women who embody Artemis
are goal-oriented. They enjoy "the chase" of elusive quarry. Their perseverance leads to
accomplishment and achievement. Artemis rescued anyone (especially women) in physical
danger who appealed for her help. Artemis was the goddess of childbirth. The Romans
knew Artemis as Diana.
Emotional Control System
Artemis energy is about seeking and anticipation-the goal-directed search for food, shelter,
mates, etc.
Life Purpose
An Artemis woman's life purpose is to achieve goals.
Shadow
Too much Artemis energy results in endless searching, to the point of exhaustion. Or an
Artemis woman can be "so focused on her own aims and undistracted that she fails to
notice the feelings of others around her."2
Artemis's shadow includes contempt for vulnerability, and difficulties with intimacy. She
was associated with goal-directed, merciless, destructive rage:

Outrage at wrongs done, loyalty to others, strength to express a point of view, and a
propensity to take action can be very positive characteristics of Artemis and Artemis
women. But the mercilessness of the punishment they mete out can be appalling. [E.g.,
1970s feminists raged at men] with intense hostility that was often out of proportion
to the particular provocation.a |Jean Shinoda Bolen, Goddesses in Everywoman (1984)

a Bolen, Jean Shinoda. Goddesses in Everywoman (HarperCollins, 1984, ISBN 006091291X), p.68.

2 Bolen, Jean Shinoda. Goddesses in Everywoman (HarperCollins, 1984, ISBN 006091291X), p.69.

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Apollo-Artemis

Under Stress
Under stress, Artemis becomes her brother Apollo. Artemis women think clearly and
unemotionally under pressure.
When Safe
When safe, Artemis becomes Demeter. When they can, Artemis women help less-fortunate
individuals.
Other Personality Type Systems
Artemis isn't represented in astrology. Artemis is Enneagram personality type #8, the
Boss.
Sex
Artemis women see sex as an adventure. For them, sex is a recreational sport, not an
expression of commitment (Hera) or an occasion for sensuality (Aphrodite).
A lesbian Artemis woman will have many friends, a band of nymphs looking for adventure.
If her lover is another Artemis woman (her "identical twin") she should consider whether
her partner is her best friend or her romantic lover. She may better off with a more
feminine lover-the goddess and her nymph.
Meeting
To attract an Artemis woman, be civilized, radiantly sunny, and pray to Aphrodite for
help.

27.3 Apollo-Artemis Marriage

An Apollo-Artemis marriage tempers goal-seeking (and adventure) with good sense. A

couple that successfully uses this energy achieves their goals-and has stories to tell their
grandchildren.
Apollo
Apollo men approach marriage as they approach applying to law school. They rationally
decide whether a woman will be a good match, rather than acting on passion or impulse.
Artemis

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 Apollo-Artemis Marriage

For a relationship with an Artemis woman, a man shouldn't be Orion, the hunter and
Ares archetype. Her competitive nature unintentionally caused his death. Challenge
her, and she'll obsess until she wins-another man to beat.
But if he moves closer emotionally, wants to marry her, or becomes dependent on her,
the excitement of the "hunt" is over. Moreover, she may lose interest or feel contempt
for him if he shows "weakness" by needing her. As a result, an Artemis woman may
have a series of relationships that go well only as long as the man keeps some emotional
distance and is not always available.a |Jean Shinoda Bolen, Goddesses in Everywoman
(1984)

a Bolen, Jean Shinoda. Goddesses in Everywoman (HarperCollins, 1984, ISBN 006091291X), p.67.

The lasting relationship for an Artemis woman is with an Apollo man. Apollo was her
twin brother. Her domain was the wilderness. His was the city. He was the Sun god. She
was the Moon goddess. He was the god of domesticated animals. She was the goddess
of wild animals. He was the god of laws. She lived in the wilderness, away from civilized
laws.

This relationship starts as brother and sister. The Artemis woman may have another
boyfriend (or girlfriend). Give her space to roam, and she'll be back at your door when
she's "in town."

Apollo and Artemis work well together because they both tend towards being emotional
'escape artists'. Apollo lives in the intellect to the exclusion of emotion. Artemis is very
threatened by emotional attachment, and so Apollo's lack of emotional involvement allows
her room to breathe.
The story of Atalanta and Hippomenes shows how to marry an Artemis woman.3
Atalanta was a beautiful princess. She enjoyed hunting and sports. Many men wanted
to marry her. She promised to marry the first man to outrun her in a race. Losers were
immediately killed. Atalanta won race after race. This is a metaphor that competing
with an Artemis woman kills the relationship.
Unathletic Hippomenes (an Apollo man) truly loved her. He decided that death was
better than life without her. He prayed to Aphrodite for help. Aphrodite gave him three
golden apples.
When Atalanta took off ahead of Hippomenes, he threw the first golden apple into her
path. She stopped to pick it up. She saw her face reflected, but distorted by the curving
apple. She realized that she would not be young and beautiful forever. Someday her
body would sag like the reflection in the apple.
Hippomenes passed her as she pondered this insight. Atalanta took off again, repassing
him. He threw the second golden apple. When she stopped to pick it up, Aphrodite

3 Bolen, Jean Shinoda. Goddesses in Everywoman (HarperCollins, 1984, ISBN 006091291X), 72-74.

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Apollo-Artemis

caused Atalanta to see in the shiny apple her dead lover, Meleager. She yearned when
she remembered their physical and emotional closeness.
Hippomenes passed Atalanta again. She took off and repassed him again. He threw the
last golden apple. When she stopped to pick it up, Demeter caused Atalanta to see her
reflection, surrounded by loving children. Atalanta was transfixed by the realization that
she wanted a family. Hippomenes ran across the finish line. They married that afternoon.

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28 Hermes-Hestia

28.1 Hermes

Figure 4 "On the freights. He'd worked as general kitchen help in a Los Angeles hotel,
but had just been fired when he had 'blown up' and 'told the cook off.' He carried a clean
white shirt to look for work. He talked about going to Redding, to Eugene, and to Seattle.
He had $1.80." Yuba County, California, April 13, 1940. Photo by Rondal Partridge,
National Youth Administration.a
a Photo by Rondal Partridge. National Archives and Records Administration, Records of the Na-
tional Youth Administration (119-CAL-13) http://www.nara.gov/exhall/picturing_the_century/
galleries/greatdep.html

Celebrities
Giacomo Casanova, George Custer, Woody Guthrie, Marshall McLuhan, Woody Allen,
Ronald Reagan (he only played Zeus), Warren Beatty, Sting, Howard Stern.
Hairstyle
Long enough to suggest wings growing out of his head.
Favorite Television Series
The X-Files, starring David Duchovny, and The Simpsons, starring Bart Simpson.
Mythology
Hermes was the trickster. He was a young god who saw nothing wrong with lying and
stealing, if it amused him. As the messenger god, he symbolized quick movement, agile
thinking, and facile words. He was the god of luck and the unexpected. He was the god
of travelers and thieves. He was the only god who could travel to Hades, the realm of the
dead. This showed that the depths of the unconscious are accessible only by those who
don't take themselves too seriously. The Romans knew Hermes as Mercury.
That the messenger of the gods was a trickster suggests that one should be wary of divine
messages.1
Emotional Control System
Playing, fun, joy, and humor enable individuals to communicate emotions and forge social
bonds. Recreation reduces stress and renews our creative abilities.2

1 Hyde, Lewis. Trickster Makes This World: Mischief, Myth, and Art (North Point Press, 1999, ISBN
0865475369).
2 Gottman, John. The Relationship Cure (Crown, 2001, ISBN 0609608096), p. 94.

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Hermes-Hestia

Life Purpose
A Hermes man's life purpose is to perceive the world as other people see it, and to help
others perceive the world as he sees it. E.g., Ronald Reagan was a successful actor,
portraying how various characters perceived their world. He later became the "Great
Communicator"-helping Americans see the world as he saw it.
Shadow
As actors, Hermes men can deceive. Often a Hermes man pretends to be a Zeus man-e.g.,
Ronald Reagan playing the role of President.
Hermes men can't make commitments. They see both sides of every issue-and can't settle
on one.
Under Stress
Under stress, Hermes becomes Athena. Put the screws on The X-Files' Fox Mulder and
he spins out conspiracy theories, with strategies worked out until doomsday.
When Safe
When safe, a Hermes man becomes Hestia. Traveling men sometimes stop and smell the
roses.
Other Personality Type Systems
Hermes is represented in astrology by Gemini (seeing two sides of issues, including the
humorous side of serious situations), the 3rd House (of Communication), and the planet
Mercury. Hermes is Enneagram personality type #7, the Entertainer.
Sex
A Hermes man charms his way into a woman's life-and then disappears as suddenly. He
delights women with his here-and-now energy. The relationship goes well if the woman
doesn't expect commitment. But beware of Hermes the god of thieves-he can take advan-
tage of a woman who trusts him.
Meeting
To meet Hermes men, get a backpack, a Lonely Planet travel guide, and go.

28.2 Hestia

Figure 5 Judy Blume, 1978a

a Photo by Joan Neary. Library of Congress, Prints and Photographs Division [LC-USZ62-118103].

Celebrities
Women novelists, Martha Stewart's customers, nuns.
Hairstyle

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 Hestia

Long but tied up in a scarf.

Shoes
Clogs.
Clothes
A nice Abercrombie & Fitch polo with a pair of American Eagle jeans with a Victoria's
Secrets bra to go with it.
Favorite Movie
Howard's End, starring Emma Thompson (1992).
Mythology
Hestia was the goddess of home, hearth, and garden. The Romans knew Hestia as Vesta.
Emotional Control System
Hestia energy is about "nest-building." Lack of Hestia energy results in feeling homeless,
rootless, or impermanent, as if you're living in hotel rooms.
Life Purpose
A Hestia woman's life purpose is to make a beautiful, happy home. Instead of a home,
she may make her church beautiful, and make church social groups happy. Or she may
be "den mother" of her workplace, the person to whom customers and other employees
gravitate as the center of the organization.
Shadow
A Hestia woman's goal is a happy home, not a happy husband or children. If these goals
are congruous, all is well. But if the husband's happiness requires a spiritual quest to
Tibet, don't expect a Hestia woman to go with him.
A Hestia woman may lack ambitions outside her home. She may even be agoraphobic
(unable to leave her home).
Hestia women are melodramatic-melancholy plus drama, or creative but unhappy. They're
natural novelists. Their inner dramas are more interesting than books, movies, or the real
world.
Under Stress
Under stress, Hestia women become Athena. They're ideal planners. They imagine "worst
case" scenarios and strategize to prevent these possible futures.
When Safe
When safe, Hestia women become Aphrodite. They become charming and attractive
hostesses when entertaining in their beautiful homes.
Other Personality Type Systems
Hestia is represented in astrology by the 4th House (of the Home). Hestia is Enneagram
personality type #4, the Artist.

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Hermes-Hestia

Sex
Sex isn't important to Hestia women. A Hestia woman will accommodate her husband,
and will enjoy the "nice, warm experience." She may even easily orgasm.
Meeting
To meet Hestia the all mighty women, go to a gardening or cat show. Don't expect these
women to dress in dazzling fashions, or do anything else to attract men. Charm her with
your wit, and steal her heart.

28.3 Hermes-Hestia Marriage

A Hermes-Hestia marriages channels joy and playfulness into a home. A couple that suc-
cessfully uses this energy makes a happy home-a place they can retreat to when tired, which
restores them to go out into the world again. A Hermes father enjoys childcare if he gets
to entertain the children.3

3 "Dads 'cling to traditional role'" reporting Equal Opportunities Commission study, BBC News, 20 October,
2002, http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/2343381.stm.

168
29 Ares-Hephaestus-Aphrodite

29.1 Ares

Celebrities
Muhammad Ali, Michael Johansen, George Bush
Hairstyle

A razor has never come upon my head....If I be shaved, then my strength will leave me,
and I shall become weak, and be like any other man.|Samson, Judges 16:17

Shoes
Heavy boots.
Favorite Movie
Rambo, starring Sylvester Stallone (1986).
Mythology
Ares was the god of war, or, more precisely, warlike frenzy and the warrior. His tutor
Priapus first trained Ares to be a dancer, and later trained him to be a warrior.

You don't give a man a weapon until you've taught him how to us it.a |Celtic proverb

a Meade, Michael. Men and the Water of Life (HarperSanFrancicso, 1993, 0-06-250726-5), p. 207.

The Romans knew Ares as Mars.

Emotional Control System
Anger and rage, when confined, thwarted, or frustrated.
Life Purpose
Ares's life purpose is independence. Ares men use courage and initiative to gain freedom.
Ares men can be leaders, or work independently. Ares is a soldier - a fighter and a lover.
Shadow
Ares men can't stand being controlled, especially by anonymous strangers. They'll sacrifice
their best interests for freedom. E.g., they'll take a cut in pay to work independently rather
than work for a big corporation.
They underestimate things in their path-other people, time requirements, mountains.

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Ares-Hephaestus-Aphrodite

They challenge people. They use "anger as a greeting," but respect individuals who stand
up to them.
They always feel they're right, but don't hesitate to change their views when they receive
new information.
Under Stress
Under stress, Ares becomes Apollo. Watch Muhammad Ali's 1973 fight against George
Foreman, in the movie When We Were Kings. Ali came into the ring with a plan, and
coolly kept to his plan even as Foreman pummeled Ali in the initial rounds.
When Safe
When safe, Ares men become Demeter. They can be generous and supportive to a child
or employee. Justice concerns them. They support underdogs.
Other Personality Type Systems
Ares is represented in astrology by Aries (courage, initiative, independence, and the will
to exist), the 1st House (of the Self, or establishing one's identity), and the planet Mars.
Ares is Enneagram personality type #8, the Boss.
Sex
Ares was Aphrodite's favorite lover.
Meeting
To meet Ares men, wear red and go to sporting events.

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 Hephaestus

29.2 Hephaestus

Figure 6 Robert Oppenheimer (left) and General Leslie Groves standing over remains
of first atomic bomb, detonated July 16, 1945, near Alamogordo, New Mexico.a
a "J. Robert Oppenheimer, Photo: P-195 ('Oppie"'and General Groves)," Society for the Historical
Preservation of the Manhattan Project, http://www.childrenofthemanhattanproject.org/MP_Misc/
Photo-Pages/MPP-195.htm

Celebrities
Thomas Edison, Albert Einstein, Robert Oppenheimer, James Doohan (Scotty) on Star
Trek, Bill Gates.

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Ares-Hephaestus-Aphrodite

Hairstyle
Short, but can't talk about sports with Frank the barber.
Shoes
Rockports-inside white anti-radiation booties.
Favorite Movie
Star Trek: First Contact, starring James Cromwell as Dr. Zefram Cochrane (1996).
Mythology
Hephaestus was the craftsman, the god of the forge. He built tools, weapons, chariots and
everything else the other gods used. The Romans knew Hephaestus as Vulcan.
Hephaestus had a clubfoot. The other gods rejected him because of his disability. He lived
alone in a volcano. As god of volcanoes he had immense destructive power.
Emotional Control System
Speculatively, the use of tools and the control of fire may be hardwired into our brains.
Life Purpose
A Hephaestus man's life purpose is to develop skills and competence. He wants to make
useful things.
Shadow
Hephaestus men are nerdy-good with machines or computers, but not with people. They
can be insensitive about their powerful creations hurting people. E.g., Robert Oppenheimer
and the atomic bomb, or Bill Gates building his empire.
Under Stress
Under stress, Hephaestus becomes Apollo. Take him to a weird party, and he'll act like
an anthropologist visiting an exotic tribe- observing, occasionally talking to people, but
staying detached and emotionally uninvolved.
When Safe
When safe, a Hephaestus man becomes Demeter. He offers his skills to help other people.
Other Personality Type Systems
Hephaestus is represented in astrology by Virgo (developing skills and competence), and
the 6th House (of Servants). Hephaestus is Enneagram personality type #8, the Boss.
Sex
Engineers use "elegant" and "beautiful" to describe well-built things. Engineers talking
about computer code sound like women talking about cocktail dresses.
Meeting
To meet Hephaestus men, go to a computer conference or Star Trek convention. Look for
the men with no social skills and multitudinous stock options. Show off your golden hair,

172
 Aphrodite

and ask him to fix your computer. When he finishes, your computer will do stuff that you
never imagined, or wanted to do.

29.3 Aphrodite

Figure 7 Marilyn Monroe, 1955a

a ABC Photo Division Press Information photograph, 1955. Library of Congress, Prints and Photographs
Division [LC-USZ62-118272].

Celebrities
Marilyn Monroe, Georgia O'Keefe, Lauren Bacall, Elizabeth Taylor, Princess Diana,
Madonna, Cleopatra.
Hairstyle

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Ares-Hephaestus-Aphrodite

Long and wild. Hair that men want to feel brush against their naked chests.1 E.g., Cindy
Crawford, Claudia Schiffer.
Shoes
High heels, platforms.
Favorite Movie
Gentlemen Prefer Blonds, starring Marilyn Monroe (1953).
Mythology
Aphrodite was the goddess of feminine love and beauty. She had the power to cause
mortals and deities to fall in love. The Romans knew Aphrodite as Venus.
Emotional Control System
Aphrodite is a combination of two emotional control systems: sexuality and homeostasis.
No one has ever referred to Aphrodite as the "goddess of homeostasis." But this is the
nature of pleasure: when our bodies are out of balance, we suffer. When we get, do, or
consume what we need to return to homeostasis, we feel pleasure. E.g., when you're cold,
nothing is so pleasurable as a hot drink.
When an Aphrodite woman's body signals that it's out of balance, she looks for an oppor-
tunity to experience the pleasure of returning to homeostasis. E.g., jumping into a cool
creek on a hot day. Her pains and pleasures are immediate, not some time in the future.
Sexuality is a different emotional control system.2
Life Purpose
The goddess of homeostasis's life purpose is to seek physical comforts.
The goddess of love's life purpose is to be charming and attractive.
Shadow
The shadow side of the goddess of homeostasis is addictions. Neurologically, addictions
are messed up homeostatic systems.
The goddess of love's shadow side is shallow, uncommitted relationships. An Aphrodite
woman may sleep around. Or she may be like Elizabeth Taylor, who married eight times.
Actresses who use Aphrodite sexiness-e.g., Bo Derek, Brigitte Nielsen (married five times,
including to Sylvester Stallone)- quickly rise to movie star status. Then their careers fall
just as fast. The public seems to want only a "one-night stand" with Aphrodite actresses.3
Under Stress

1 McCracken, Grant. Big Hair: A Journey Into The Transformation of Self (Overlook, 1995, ISBN 0-87951-
657-7), p. 134.
2 Panksepp, Jaak. Affective Neuroscience: The Foundations of Human and Animal Emotions (Oxford Univ,
1998, ISBN: 0195096738).
3 McCracken, Grant. Big Hair: A Journey Into The Transformation of Self (Overlook, 1996, 0-87951-657-7),
p. 67.

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 Ares-Hephaestus-Aphrodite Marriage

Under stress, Aphrodite becomes Athena. Invite an Aphrodite woman camping. She'll
come up with a list of fears, from snakes to not being able to wash her hair.
When Safe
When safe, Aphrodite becomes Hestia. She'll make her home and garden as beautiful as
herself.
Other Personality Type Systems
Aphrodite is represented in astrology by Leo (outward expression, seeking attention), the
5th House (of Children, and recreation), and the planet Venus. Aphrodite is Enneagram
personality type #7, the Entertainer.
Sex
Expect great sex with an Aphrodite woman-while the relationship lasts.
Meeting
To meet Aphrodite women, embody Ares. Aphrodite women are everywhere, looking
beautiful and attracting men. To win one, show courage. Not money or status, but the
confidence and will to win her.
Keep her by embodying Hephaestus. If you're a software engineer during the week and a
motorcycle racer on weekends, attract her with your motorcycle. Keep her by fixing her
computer.

29.4 Ares-Hephaestus-Aphrodite Marriage

An Ares-Hephaestus-Aphrodite marriage works hard and plays hard. On weekdays, Hep-

haestus and Aphrodite get the work done that's necessary for homeostasis (e.g., food, shel-
ter, clothing). At night and on weekends, Ares and Aphrodite have passionate romance and
great sex.
Ares
An Ares man can be a good husband, if his wife doesn't try to control him. He can be a
good citizen in a community that looks to him as a leader.
Hephaestus
Hephaestus men live for women. They need women to appreciate the beautiful things they
make. They need women to inspire their creativity, to teach them social skills, and to tell
the world that they're brilliant.
Hephaestus men are the best husbands. They never argue. Any problem is an opportunity
to invent something to fix the problem.
Hephaestus men are faithful to their wives, usually because no other woman wants them.
But Hephaestus men can neglect their wives, spending too much time at work. A Hep-
haestus man's wife may not get the passion and fireworks that she wants, but this doesn't
mean that he doesn't treasure his wife more than anything in the world.

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Ares-Hephaestus-Aphrodite

Hephaestus built golden maidservants that could talk and perform household tasks. A
Hephaestus man might buy a Russian mail-order bride, expecting a golden maidservant.
He's more likely to get Pandora, the first mortal woman, whom Hephaestus also built.
Pandora had not only domestic skills and sex appeal, but also "shamelessness, cunning
use of language, lies, and deceitfulness."4
Aphrodite
Aphrodite women shouldn't marry Hermes men. They'll have fun for a while, but the
marriage will lack commitment. Avoid Poseidon men, unless you think Courtney Love
enjoyed scraping Kurt Cobain's brains off the wall.
Just as Aphrodite is a combination of two goddesses, her marriage involves two gods.
Aphrodite married Hephaestus, god of the forge. Aphrodite women love the beautiful
things Hephaestus men make for their wives.
But Aphrodite's lover was Ares, god of war. They shared intensity, sensuality, immediacy,
and passion.
Ares men often have Hephaestus jobs (jobs that use tools), e.g., auto mechanics. Many
Hephaestus computer nerds become Ares weekend warriors, enjoying flying, mountain
biking, etc.
Marital success for an Aphrodite woman requires bringing out the Hephaestus in her Ares
man, or the Ares in her Hephaestus man. Aphrodite and Ares had two sons, Fear and
Panic. If you don't want TV crews asking why your sons blew up their high school, have
your Ares husband channel your sons' energy into Hephaestus skills (e.g., building a really
cool car for Mom).
To bring out the Ares in your Hephaestus nerd, suggest that he buy a motorcycle. Don't
ride on the back until he passes the Motorcycle Safety Foundation course, and buys you a
helmet, leather jacket, and cool new boots. Then suggest a drive up to the city for spicy
Thai food, and return on Skyline with a starry stop at a scenic overlook.
Suggest watching a swing dance video. Watch it in his living room. Don't take him dancing
in public yet. You'll embarrass him. He'll need a lot of practice before he's ready to lead
you on a dance floor. But when he figures out that leading means that you'll do whatever
swings and spins he wants you to do, watch Ares come out. Combined with Hephaestus's
900 megahertz learning skills, once he's interested in swing dance he won't stop until he's
mastered every move.

4 Bolen, Jean Shinoda. Gods in Everyman (HarperCollins, 1989, ISBN 0060972807).

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30 Dionysus-Demeter

30.1 Dionysus

Celebrities
Viktor Frankl, John Lennon, Jerry Garcia, Charles Manson, Roger Daltrey, Robert Plant,
James Taylor, John Belushi, Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh (Osho), Jim Morrison, Jimi Hen-
drix.
Hairstyle
Long, wild, sexy hair and beard.
Shoes
Sandals.
Mythology
Dionysus was the god of wine. He was also the god of ecstasy and enraptured love, pain
and suffering, and death and rebirth. He traveled widely, teaching grape cultivation and
winemaking. Madness and violence followed him. Women worshipped him. The women
drank wine, danced wildly, then tore an animal to pieces and ate the raw flesh. The
Romans knew him as Bacchus.
Emotional Control System
The quest for meaning may be hardwired into our brains.
Life Purpose
A Dionysus man's life purpose is a quest for meaning. He lives by ideals and principles
that he has yet to discover.
Shadow
Figure 8 Women worshipping Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh, Oregon, 1981. Photo by Bill
Miller.a
a Photo by Bill Miller, http://www.empnet.com/imageworks.

Dionysus men lack "real world" goals. They're questing for principles, and haven't yet
discovered these principles.
They enjoy resting or doing nothing-especially if alcoholic beverages are available. When
faced with a decision they let their partner decide, saying, "I'll be happy with whatever
makes you happy."

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Dionysus-Demeter

A Dionysus man has a close relationship with his mother-a "mama's boy." He's her "divine
child," with a sense of specialness or destiny. In adult life, a Dionysus man may resent
people not recognizing his specialness, e.g., when they expect him to do mundane work. He
may have mood swings between low self-esteem and ego inflation. He may have substance
abuse issues.
"Wounding" is central to Dionysus. "Wounding" can be a life-threatening illness, e.g.,
cancer, which makes a man feel as if he has been dismembered and then reassembled as
a new person.1 Or "wounding" can be a painful experience that forces an individual to
break from "the flat ennui of numbing conformity to cultural and familial expectations."2
E.g., Vietnam veterans say that their experiences hurt them deeply and forced them to
question their government and the previous generation's values, but the hard lessons were
worth learning.
Dionysus men can become cult leaders. They attract followers, especially women. But the
followers go mad. The followers may commit crimes opposite to the ideals espoused by
their leader. E.g., no evidence indicated that Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh was involved in his
followers' poisoning of 751 residents of The Dalles, Oregon (see "Women's Power," page
40).
Under Stress
Under stress, Dionysus individuals become Poseidon. They become wildly, out-of-control
emotional.
When Safe
Under safety, Dionysus becomes Zeus. E.g., when Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh became rich he
wanted to be respectable. He wanted Rolls-Royce automobiles. Unable to control himself,
he bought 93 Rolls-Royces.
Other Personality Type Systems
Dionysus is represented in astrology by Sagittarius (the quest for meaning), and the 9th
House (of Long Journeys Over Water, and higher education). Dionysus is Enneagram
personality type #9, the Peacemaker.
Sex
Women surround Dionysus men. A Dionysus man has many female friends, and many
of these are lovers. His emotional wounds attract their nurturing instinct. His sensuality
and appreciation of their beauty, and his ecstatic lovemaking becomes addictive to women.
Dionysus is

1 The Religion of Small Societies, (Knowledge Products, 1994, ISBN 1-56823-016-8), tape 1 side A.
2 Moore, Tom, in Puer Papers, edited by James Hillman (ISBN 0882143107).

178
 Demeter

...the more feminized male ideal, who started rearing his long-haired head in the late
1960s and early '70s. Though they carried themselves with all-male swagger, frontmen
Roger Daltrey of The Who and Robert Plant of Led Zeppelin were clearly in touch
with their feminine sides. Women couldn't get enough of these emotional yet masculine
men....1980s hair bands such as Mötley Crüe and Poison [showed that] some women
liked men all dolled up in makeup and hairspray wearing pants that left absolutely
nothing to the imagination.a |Kate Flatley

a Flatley, Kate. "TV: How Music Fueled the Sexual Revolution," The Wall Street Journal, August 6,
2001, A11.

Meeting
To meet Dionysus men, go to a wine bar-or join a cult.

30.2 Demeter

Figure 9 "Nipomo, Calif. Mar. 1936. Migrant agricultural worker's family. Seven
hungry children. Mother aged 32. Destitute in a pea pickers camp, because of the failure
of the early pea crop. These people had just sold their tent in order to buy food. Most of
the 2,500 people in this camp were destitute." Photo by Dorothea Lange, Farm Security
Administration.a
a Paul Taylor and Dorothea Lange, Migration of Draught Refugees to California, California State Emergency
Relief Administration, April 1935, p. 12 Prints and Photographs Division (89) http://lcweb.loc.gov/
exhibits/wcf/wcf0013.html

Celebrities
Eleanor Roosevelt, Mother Theresa, Barbara Bush.
Favorite Movie
Little Women, starring Susan Sarandon, Claire Danes, and Winona Ryder (1994).
Mythology
Demeter was the goddess of the harvest and of motherhood. The Romans knew Demeter
as Ceres (the root of our word cereal).
Emotional Control System
Demeter energy is nurturing.
Life Purpose
A Demeter woman lives for her children, or to help other people. Demeter women love
their children regardless of whether a child is rebellious, disabled, gay, or the governor of
Texas.
Shadow

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Dionysus-Demeter

Demeter women give to get love. They'll sacrifice their own needs, then expect something
back. They give unsolicited help, then feel used or cheated when the recipient doesn't
express gratitude or return a favor. The problem isn't ungrateful recipients. The problem
is that the Demeter woman doesn't recognize that people don't need her help.
Too much Demeter energy makes an individual obsessed with diet, stress-reduction classes,
or fitness. Too little Demeter energy leads to working long hours without eating, relaxing,
or taking a vacation. A woman who works too much may overcompensate by obsession
with diet and fitness.
Under Stress
Under stress, Demeter women become Artemis, Ares, and Hephaestus. After Hades ab-
ducted Demeter's daughter, Demeter wandered over the earth, day and night, without
eating or drinking.3 This is the seeking behavior emotional control system, symbolized by
Artemis.
Everywhere Demeter wandered, she broke plows, destroyed farms and cattle, made fields
barren, and blighted seeds so they couldn't grow.4 She used her anger emotional control
system, symbolized by Ares.
Finally, Demeter disguised herself as an old woman. She met the daughters of the king of
Eleusis (near Athens). She offered to do any domestic work in their household.5 Willing-
ness to work is symbolized by Hephaestus.
When Safe
When safe, Demeter women become Apollo. They enjoy a symphony or art museum.
Other Personality Type Systems
Demeter is represented in astrology by Cancer (empathy and nurturing). Demeter is
Enneagram personality type #2, the Nurturer.
Sex
Demeter women are warm and affectionate, but are more into hugs than sex. Use condoms
because she may not be using birth control. If she gets pregnant, she'll keep the child.
Meeting
To meet Demeter women, play with children. Borrow a baby and go to a beach. Go to a
park and play with women's dogs.

3 Parada, Carlos. Genealogical Guide to Greek Mythology (Coronet Books, 1993, ISBN: 9170810621) http:
//www.hsa.brown.edu/~maicar/Persephone.html
4 Parada, Carlos. Genealogical Guide to Greek Mythology (Coronet Books, 1993, ISBN: 9170810621) http:
//www.hsa.brown.edu/~maicar/Persephone.html.
5 Parada, Carlos. Genealogical Guide to Greek Mythology (Coronet Books, 1993, ISBN: 9170810621) http:
//www.hsa.brown.edu/~maicar/Persephone.html.

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 Dionysus-Demeter Marriage

30.3 Dionysus-Demeter Marriage

A Dionysus-Demeter marriage tempers wounding and nurturing. A couple that successfully

uses this energy heals their psychological and spiritual traumas.
Dionysus
Dionysus's marriage to Ariadne was the only healthy marriage on Mt. Olympus.6 (Anyone
who wants "a marriage made in heaven" hasn't read Greek mythology.)
But the wife of a Dionysus man can also find her life alternating between ecstasy and
suffering, between "pandemonium and deathly silence."7
Demeter
Demeter women marry for children. The husband-or sperm donor -is only a means to her
end.
Zeus men are happy to provide sperm, but their relationship goes downhill-fast-after the
transfer.
A Dionysus-Demeter marriage echoes a mother and her only son. His central issue was
"wounding" and suffering. Her central ability was nurturing. A Dionysus-Demeter mar-
riage may look like a mother/son relationship, but they'll give what the other needs.

6 Bolen, Jean Shinoda. Gods in Everyman (HarperCollins, 1989, ISBN 0060972807), p. 254.
7 Bolen, Jean Shinoda. Gods in Everyman (HarperCollins, 1989, ISBN 0060972807), p. 254.

181
31 Hades-Persephone

31.1 Hades

Figure 10 Howard Hughes, 1936

183
Hades-Persephone

Celebrities
Sigmund Freud, Chad Gray, Howard Hughes, Vincent Price, Christopher Reeve, vampires,
serial killers, drummers in rock bands1 .
Favorite Movie
The Sixth Sense, starring Bruce Willis (1999).
Mythology
Hades ruled the underworld, the realm of the dead. He was wealthy beyond counting, but
was a recluse. Hades wore a cap of invisibility when he left the underworld. The Romans
knew Hades as Pluto.
Emotional Control Systems
Hades symbolizes the psychic pain of sorrow, grief, and loneliness-and the psychological
insights this can lead us to.
Shadow
A dysfunctional Hades man may make people connect to deep feelings, but not help them
move to higher states of consciousness. E.g., O.J. Simpson made millions of Americans
aware of deep, hidden racist feelings, but he didn't do anything to improve relations be-
tween the races.
Other Personality Type Systems
Hades is represented in astrology by Scorpio (basing one's life on one's deepest convictions),
and the 8th House (of Death, and major transformation). Hades isn't represented in the
Enneagram.
Sex and Marriage
The characters within the book "Interview with the Vampire" by Anne Rice (1976) is
comparable to the Greek god Hades servants.
But Hades servants can be invisible to women. A Hades man may not be good at flirting or
dating. He may have elaborate, deep fantasies rather than relationships with real women.
If he tries to make a relationship real, the woman may accuse him of abduction-perhaps
only because he lacks social skills.
Hades men can deeply love women, in committed, faithful relationships. Marriage can
draw a Hades man out of reclusion, and into participation in family and community.
Meeting
To meet Hades men, wear Goth black velvet dresses. Dive into the depths of depression,
and look around at who's there.

1 Leung, Shirley, "Why Doesn't Anyone Want to Play Drums for a Rock 'n' Roll Band?" The Wall Street
Journal, July 31, 2001, A1.

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 Persephone

31.2 Persephone

Celebrities
Ophelia in Hamlet; Laura in Tennessee Williams' The Glass Menagerie (1944); Sylvia
Plath; Dory Previn (Mythical Kings and Iguanas singer-songwriter, André Previn's wife);
Hannah Green, author of I Never Promised You a Rose Garden (1988).
Hairstyle
Changes her hairstyle to reflect personal growth. Tries new hairstyles to try new directions
for personal growth.2
Shoes
Platform Mary Janes.
Favorite Movie
The Cell, starring Jennifer Lopez (2000).
Mythology
Persephone was the young daughter of Zeus and Demeter. She was picking flowers one day
on the plain of Enna. She pulled an especially beautiful narcissus, the earth split open.
Hades, ruler of the dead, came out of a gap in the earth and thundered up in his golden
chariot pulled by four black horses. He grabbed the screaming girl and carried her down
to the underworld. When this happened only Zeus and Helios, the sun titan, saw it.
As Demeter searched for her daughter, her despair caused crops to die. Helios told her
what he had saw and Demter became furious. She would not let anything be fertile until
Persphone came back. Zeus could no longer let this go on so he sent Hermes to fetch
Persephone.
Hades allowed Persephone to go back to her mother, even though he did not want her
too. He did not like the fact so before Hermes came to fetch her, he gave Persephone a
pomegranate. When she ate the seeds of the delicious fruit she was then bound to the
underworld forever. Demter was furious, but could do nothing about it. Persephone from
then on spent 1/3 of the year in the Underworld with the King and her cold blooded
husband, Hades. Eventually she began to love him more and more. Demeter still did
not like this so she spent the time that her daughter was gone, sulking and would not let
anything be fertile. This time is known as winter.
As Queen and Goddess of the Underworld, Persephone guided mortals who descended
to the realm of the dead on a quest. When the musician Orpheus came looking for his
dead wife, his song was so beautiful that Persephone granted his wish and restored his
wife's life. When Aphrodite sent Psyche to the underworld for cosmetics, Persephone
filled Aphrodite's box (the word psychology derives from Psyche's name). When Heracles
(a.k.a. Hercules) descended to Hades for his 12th labor, Persephone helped the hero bring
Hades' three-headed dog Cerberus to show the king of Mycenae.

2 McCracken, Grant. Big Hair: A Journey Into The Transformation of Self (Overlook, 1996, 0-87951-657-7).
Photo of Sylvia Plath from

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Hades-Persephone

The Romans called her Proserpina. Persephone as the innocent maiden was Kore (the
Romans called her Cora), to distinguish her from Persephone as Queen of the Underworld.
Emotional Control System
Persephone symbolizes separation distress, from one's mother or, more broadly, from one's
old life to a new life. Separation distress is the basis of anxiety and panic attacks.
Life Purpose
A Persephone woman's life purpose is to separate from her past, and transform into a
new person. She then guides other individuals through personal transformations. Ideal
professions include counselor, psychologist, lawyer, or social worker.
A Persephone psychologist sees depression and mental illness not as symptoms to be med-
icated or eradicated, but as profound journeys. The sojourner goes through pain and
suffering, but sooner or later reaches a greater level of consciousness. Just as Persephone
guided Odysseus, Heracles, Psyche, and Orpheus in their journeys to the underworld, a
Persephone psychologist guides a patient to find his life's treasure, and then return to the
world of the living. Hades, which was the name of both the underworld and its king, had
uncountable riches. This symbolized that personal growth can lead to great rewards.
Shadow
A dysfunctional Persephone woman is passive, compliant and uncommitted to goals. She
may escape into a fantasy world. She may be psychically gifted, but suffer from psychiatric
illness or anorexia. Depression makes her "fade away" quietly, as opposed to forcing her
depression onto others (as Demeter did).
A Persephone woman tries to please her mother and be a "good girl." She expects teachers
or supervisors to hold her hand through each step. But Persephone lied to her mother about
the pomegranate. A Persephone woman will use deviousness, lying, and manipulation,
while maintaining a guise of innocence.
Other Personality Type Systems
Persephone is represented in astrology by Virgo. THIS IS INCORRECT. As a profes-
sional astrologer and esoteric teacher. Persephone is represented by SCORPIO. SCOR-
PIO RULES THE 8TH HOUSE AND ITS PLANETARY RULER IS PLUTO/HADES.
WHEN READ FOR A WOMAN PERSEPHONE CAN REPLACE HADES/PLUTO AS
THEY ARE ONE AND THE SAME. Demeter is VIRGO. All of the Persephone themes
are 8th house themes.
Sex
An advice columnist received the following letter:
My friend is the most wonderful, caring, loving person I've ever met, but also the most
naïve. I know from personal experience that she has an unusually large sexual appetite,
little if any interest in foreplay, and cannot seem to reach orgasm, ever. I am sure that
I'm not her only current partner, as much as she assures me I am. In the past, she has
given herself away so many times, I can't count them. For all her goodness, I've seen her
lie to other people so convincingly they wouldn't believe she was lying, even if you told

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them. My concern now is not me, but her....Even if I never touched her again, I really
do care about her and would like to help her.3
Meeting
To meet Persephone women, care about other individuals, act decisively, and wear a black
cape.

31.3 Hades-Persephone Marriage

A Hades-Persephone marriage is transformational. A couple that successfully uses this en-

ergy guides each other through life-changing experiences. They separate (possibly painfully)
from the past. They mature to higher stages of personal growth.

31.3.1 Caring About More People

Humans, more than other animals, depend on social organizations for survival. Individuals-
today or 100,000 years ago-with more relationships survive and prosper.
As our ancestors evolved, they lived in larger groups (see "Cities and Civilization," page 35).
Larger brains enabled them to keep track of more relationships (and may have contributed
to the evolution of larger brains).
As our individual development mirrors our ancestors' evolution (see "Ontogeny Recapitu-
lates Phylogeny," page 3), we care about more people as we mature. Children are concerned
only about their own needs. A young adult cares about his or her romantic partner. A
mature adult cares about his or her family. A clan elder cares about the survival of the
clan. Personal growth is, stage by stage, caring about increasing numbers of people.
Caring about other people entails personal suffering. Our minds produce psychic pain (pain
that originates in the mind) to push us to accept physical pain. Psychic pain can be stronger
than physical pain. E.g., a hunter brings home only a rabbit. He has to decide between
feeding his family and feeling hunger, or feeding himself and feeling guilt.

31.3.2 Skipping Life Stages

Personal growth wasn't an issue before the modern era. Puberty made young people want
a partner. Procreation led to caring about a family. Arranging children's marriages led to
caring about other families. Natural disasters forced individuals into leadership roles for
the survival of the clan.
The modern world isn't so straightforward. Adolescents sexually mature earlier. We marry
later, because our society demands more education. Our ancestors were most aware of suf-
fering around them. In contrast, our "electronic global village" makes us aware of suffering

3 Louanne Weston; WebMD; March 11, 2002; http://my.webmd.com/question_and_answer/article/

1687.51066?z=1687_00000_0000_f1_02

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Hades-Persephone

in far-off corners of the globe. We "think globally" as soon as we're old enough to watch
television news. Yet we care less about the people we're closest to.
Traditional societies don't facilitate skipping life stages, but our society does. If a welfare
program pays teenage girls to produce babies, the girls skip the marriage stage and jump to
motherhood. If television news enables us to care about people on the other side of the world,
we jump to agape and skip developing a loving relationship with one partner.Persephone
and hadies had a good relationship although hades sent persephone to the underworld to
be the god os spring and growth

31.3.3 Lack of Emotional Range

Our ancestors endured great suffering, e.g., extremes of weather, or long periods with little
food. Human brains evolved to balance suffering and happiness. The greatest joy follows
the greatest suffering (see "Emotional Range," page 116).
The modern world minimizes physical suffering, yet our brains continue to balance happi-
ness and suffering. Our narrower emotional range leads us to differentiate finer levels of
happiness and suffering, e.g., driving a Lexus vs. a Chevy. We confuse personal growth
with appreciating luxury goods.
Seek extremes of suffering and joy. Run marathons. Travel to third-world countries. Forget
about job security and instead do what you love, even if you have to drive a Chevy.

31.3.4 Getting Stuck

Sometimes we feel stuck between stages of personal growth. We don't get stuck because we
lack a vision of our new life. We all have dreams of a better life.
We don't get stuck because we don't know how to get to our new life. We don't know every
step of the way, but we all know at least one step we could take.
We get stuck because we avoid the suffering of the transition to our new life. E.g., quitting
your job to do what you love might require trading in your Lexus for a Chevy. As if it were
that simple--someone's Lexus need not be thought of derisively-- that the suffering required
is as close to un/bearable (whether Lexus or Cancer or new office) and is perceived to be a
loss, though it need not be thought of as lesser or great than, which causes pain, or else the
transition would occur without notice, which is to say without transition, without change,
with out not with in. Without noticing the end there is no beginning within.
Most individuals are more or less equally happy. CEOs and janitors report feeling happy
the same number of hours per day, and report the same number of hours of unhappiness.
Only individuals with many relationships are more often happy than other individuals. I.e.,
only loneliness can make us unhappy more than we're happy, if we let it and perceive it
to be a loss or less than rather than just difference. Connection to a partner, family, and
community is the only way to be happy more than you're unhappy, which cannot always
be considered the truth.

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 The Hades-Persephone Relationship

31.3.5 Psychic Pain Indicates Readiness for Personal Growth

The modern world eliminates physical suffering. We now feel psychic pain with no connec-
tion to physical suffering.
The modern world confuses our stages of personal growth. We now feel psychic pain with
no indication of the direction in which we need to grow.
Psychic pain-e.g., depression, anxiety, guilt-indicates that we're ready to mature to a new
stage of personal growth.
One response is to numb psychic pain, e.g., alcohol, Prozac, "feel good" psychology, or
switching on a television. Another response is to buy luxury goods. But your psychic pain
soon returns, making you repeat the process.
Self-destructive behavior is another response. Everything that reminds you of your old self-
e.g., spouse, job, neighborhood, hobbies-causes psychic pain. You try to destroy your old
life, instead of building a new life.

31.4 The Hades-Persephone Relationship

(Men and women can use either Hades or Persephone behavior. To simplify language, I
use male pronouns to refer to Hades partners, and female pronouns to refer to Persephone
partners.)
In a Hades-Persephone relationship, the Hades partner forces the Persephone partner to
change. He loves her without loving her present or past self. He sees her emerging new life
stage and loves her for that, but without projecting his own issues onto her.
He forces her to experience pain and suffering. He maintains a close, supportive relationship
until she's through her painful transformation.
The Hades partner must do two, contradictory actions:
1. Care about his partner more than cares about himself.
2. Do not what he's told, but what must be done.
E.g., a favorite movie theme is an individual putting himself in harm's way to help another
individual, while at the same time rejecting orders from an authority figure. A hero takes
decisive action, and takes responsibility for his action.
Caring about another person more than yourself is a feminine trait. Doing not what you're
told, but what must be done is a masculine trait. Combined, the Hades partner uses
masculine and feminine behaviors at the same time. He transcends gender roles. The
relationship transforms him, as well as transforming his partner.
The wrong masculine response is to selfishly do what you want to do, ignoring what you're
told, caring only about your own needs. The wrong feminine response is to do what another
person requests, against the other person's best interests, or against your own best interests
(i.e., self-sacrificing behavior).

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Hades-Persephone

A Hades-Persephone relationship demands deep, immediate commitment. Such a relation-

ship takes place right here, right now. You're committing to the relationship until your
partner reaches the next stage of her personal growth. This could be years, or could be
hours. Don't be afraid to enter a Hades-Persephone relationship -you're not committing to
a lifetime together.
A Hades-Persephone relationship is a moral dilemma for the Hades partner. If he does what
she tells him to do, he fails to care about her. If he does what must be done, he's acting
against her will (and possibly against the law).
Sexually, our culture associates Hades-Persephone relationships with BDSM (bondage, dom-
ination, sadomasochism). But BDSM is a stuck Hades-Persephone relationship. If your goal
is personal growth and transformation, keep the relationship non-sexual. If a Hades man is
having sex with a Persephone woman, he'll focus on his needs instead of her needs.
This is not always so. Please keep in mind that the very foundation of this relationship
is sexuality. The expression of sexuality here is mutual,were both partners gain something
that instigates the transformation of both of the souls involved. If done properly sexual
expression can lead to deep spiritual and psychological transformation as well as emotional.
It gives the hades/persephone archetype something to "chew" on so that both are rendered
free from the "bond" that binded them in the first place. Things such as fear, sexual
abuse, emotional abuse, are common here. Also, repressed sexuality based on any of these
things can hinder a true peresephone from growing and becoming sexually ripe. With the
right hades she can move across the stifling dimensions of past lives, break down emotional
barriers and find herself fully awakened by the PROCESS of being reborn. The right hades
man will take pleasure in her submission, because it is a GIFT.Persephone is not weak by
nature, she is seeking something greater than being the bringer of spring. She represents
true change and deep psychological growth and requires restriction in order for it to be felt,
integrated, sifted through and truly transformed. Letting go, allowing hades to shape her,
mold her, seduce her, and take her into realms beyond her wildest mind is what allows her
to renew and thus see and ACCEPT herself as she truly is. Hades will love her the more
she submits, releases, and integrates parts of herself she would not have found had she not
surrendered. She comes out empowered, whole, powerful, and wields that power in her
walk, her sexuality and her treatment of others. Hades feels stronger,capable and is allowed
to push her limits, to find himself, to love himself and to find greater parts of himself that
NEEDS to dominate. Not to control her every being, to change who she is but to mold her,
massage her, to assist in her birthing process as he releases her bondage, her chains her self
misunderstandings. Hades role is just as powerful as he has to exercise self control, have a
commitment to Persephone, give attention to detail in every facet of her life. Hades is an
instrument of the mundane in their lives that requires order, attention and lessons to be
executed. Sexually he is her slave he finds her most deepest desires and seeks to transform
her through experience them, and yes, this also includes her fears. This is no small order.
It takes a man that is in control of himself, self mastery, his emotions,his vision, his desires.
In everything he puts Persephone FIRST. I hardly call that selfish. The "true" hades man
will focus more on his persephone's needs than his own.

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 Why Women Do Things to Drive the Men They Love Up the Wall

31.5 Why Women Do Things to Drive the Men They Love

Up the Wall

A woman uses Persephone behavior to test whether her man is capable of being Hades. She
uses Persephone behavior-passive-aggressive, self-destructive, or just annoying-to communi-
cate that she's unhappy with her present life and wants to move to a new stage of personal
growth. She tests whether he loves her for who she will be-her inner, emerging self-not who
she is now.
With a Dionysus partner (e.g., a cult leader), a Persephone woman gets madness. With
an Ares partner, she gets physical abuse. With a Poseidon partner, she gets emotional
abuse. With Zeus, she gets cheated on. Hermes and Apollo talk with her endlessly (with
and without jokes, respectively). With Hephaestus, she gets useful electronic gadgets.
But with a Hades partner, a Persephone woman goes through pain and suffering with her
partner's attention and support. She's transformed to a new stage of personal growth..

31.6 Hades and Persephone in Every Marriage

Artemis, Athena, and Hestia women don't need men. A Hera woman needs a husband, but
he can be absent or even dead. A Demeter woman needs only a sperm donor. Aphrodite
women enjoy men, but are happy with fun, shallow relationships.
Persephone women exasperate men, but they're the only women who need intimacy with
men. A Persephone woman needs a strong, loving man to support her through painful but
necessary transformation. Persephone women are "high maintenance" but worth it.I beg
to differ Persephone women are NOT high maintenance, they are in fact misunderstood.
Diva's they are not. Persephone women need a strong man who has self mastery, who can
also be a natural dominant so that they BOTH can transform. Any man that is "vanilla"
or static in representation will die a needless death (divorce or abandonment which is a
Persephone theme) because he could not HANDLE her energy, her spiritual goal or her
sexuality. There are many men who ACT DOMINATE who in their very nature are not
TRUE dominants.
Looked at another way, all women have all seven goddesses in them. When they're using
the other six archetypes they have little or no need for men. But a woman goes into
Persephone mode to express her need for intimacy with her man. When your woman
becomes a self-destructive "lunachick" and drives you up the wall, she's not trying to break
off the relationship. She's trying to transform herself, yourself, and the relationship to next
level.

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32 General

193
33 About This Book

In 1999−2000, Thomas David Kehoe took two relationships counseling courses in a graduate
school psychology program and was surprised to learn that neither course had a textbook.
One course had an excellent reading list. Using these sources Thomas David Kehoe put
together a relationships counseling textbook. In 2003, Thomas David Kehoe published
Hearts and Minds: How Our Brains Are Hardwired for Relationships.
Not many people bought the book, so Thomas David Kehoe decided to make the book
available free at Wikibooks. That contribution formed the first version of the book here,
which we the Wikibooks community are now free to improve!

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34 References

197
35 Recommended Books

35.1 The Evolution of the Human Brain

The Biology of Transcendence: A Blueprint of the Human Spirit, by Joseph Chilton Pearce
(2002), begins with an excellent 70-page presentation of the triune brain.
"Natural vs. Sexual Selection" is largely from The Mating Mind: How Sexual Choice Shaped
the Evolution of Human Nature, by Geoffrey F. Miller (2000).

35.1.1 Quotations and Mentions

• A General Theory of Love, by Thomas Lewis, Fari Amini, and Richard Lannon (2000),
page 2.
• The Origin of Species, by Charles Darwin (1859), page 3.
• The Descent of Man, by Charles Darwin (1871), page 4.

35.2 How Women Select Men

"How Women Select Men" and "How Men Select Women" are largely from Evolutionary
Psychology: The New Science of the Mind, by David M. Buss (1999). It's a college textbook
but not dry or boring. The writing is clear and easier to read than the "bestsellers." Topics
include human survival in nature, men's and women's mating strategies, parenting and
kinship, altruism, cooperation, aggression, conflict, and social dominance.
For more about emotions, start with Emotional Intelligence, by Daniel Goleman (1994).
You'll learn how to improve your ability to use a range of emotions. You'll also learn to
appreciate different emotional styles in other people. Then read The Relationship Cure, by
John Gottman (2001), to improve your skills at recognizing and responding to emotional
messages; and The Emotional Revolution, by Norman E. Rosenthal (2002), for the lat-
est neuroscientific discoveries and treatments of emotional disorders, including depression,
anxiety, and anger.

35.2.1 Quotations and Mentions

• The Biology of Transcendence, by Joseph Chilton Pearce (2002), pages 14 and 15.
• The Psychology of Personal Constructs, by George Kelly (1955), page 16.
• One Thousand and One Arabian Nights, page 20.
• The Mating Mind, by Geoffrey Miller (2000), page 22.

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Recommended Books

35.3 How Men Select Women

35.3.1 Quotations and Mentions

• The Picture of Dorian Gray, by Oscar Wilde (1890), page 23.

35.4 How Our Ancestors Lived

This chapter is largely from Women in Prehistory, by Margaret Ehrenberg (1989). The
book focuses on women and their relationships with men in Paleolithic (hunter-gatherer)
and Neolithic (early agricultural) societies.
I also recommend Humans: An Introduction to Four-Field Anthropology, by Alice B. Kehoe
(1998). This easy-to-read textbook covers the evolution of primates and humans; the Pa-
leolithic, Neolithic, and beginnings of civilization; linguistics; cultural ecology; economics;
social organization; and religion.
I don't recommend The Chalice and the Blade, by Riane Eisler (1988). For a critique
of Eisler's "gynocentric" hypothesis, read The Myth of Matriarchal Prehistory: Why an
Invented Past Won't Give Women a Future, by Cynthia Eller (2000).

35.4.1 Quotations and Mentions

• Germania, by Tacitus (circa A.D. 100), pages 30, 31, and 41.
• Parlor Politics, by Catherine Allgor (2000), page 36.

35.5 Monogamy and Polygamy

Women of Principle: Female Networking in Contemporary Mormon Polygyny, by Janet

Bennion (1998), quoted on pages 39, 40, and 41, is a fascinating study of women in a
Montana polygynist community.
The section about Christian polygyny was from After Polygamy Was Made a Sin: The
Social History of Christian Polygamy, by John Cairncross (1974).
Sex in America: A Definitive Survey, by Robert Michael, John Gagnon, Edward Laumann,
and Gina Bari Kolata (1994), presents the only statistically accurate survey of intimate
relationships. The survey included how couples met, how many partners individuals had,
sexual practices, and risk factors for STDs. The surprises were not in what Americans do-
the large majority of Americans are in traditional relationships-but in the contrast between
media messages (e.g., Sex and the City) and reality.

35.5.1 Quotations and Mentions

• The Descent of Man, by Charles Darwin (1871), page 39.

200
 Hormones

• Polygamous Families in Contemporary Society, by Irwin Altman and Joseph Ginat (1996),
page 42.
• Polygamy Reconsidered, by Father Eugene Hillman (1975), page 45.
• The Tipping Point, by Malcolm Gladwell (2000), page 48.

35.6 Hormones

This chapter is from An Introduction to Behavioral Endocrinology, by Randy Nelson (2000),

Sexual Pharmacology: Drugs That Affect Sexual Function, by Theresa Crenshaw and James
Goldberg (1996), and Queer Science: The Use and Abuse of Research on Homosexuality,
by Simon Le Vay (1996).

35.7 Communication Styles

This chapter is largely from You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation,
by Deborah Tannen (1990).

35.7.1 Quotations and Mentions

• The Gift of Fear, by Gavin De Becker (1997), page 72.

35.8 Adolescence - Seeking Romantic Love

Iron John, by Robert Bly (1990), Women Who Run with the Wolves, by Clarissa Pinkola
Estés (1993), and Men and the Water of Life, by Michael Meade (1992), show the life
stages men and women go through, and their relationships in each life stage, as symbolized
in folktales.
For more about developing awareness of hidden elements of your personality, read Romanc-
ing the Shadow edited by Connie Zweig and Steve Wolf (1996). The chapter about romantic
partners shows how a projected ideal shatters, and how couples can pick up the pieces and
use the experience to grow. Another chapter discusses how the negative qualities of each
Greek god and goddess archetype sabotage relationships.
Three Black Skirts: All You Need to Survive, by Anna Johnson (1998) and The Go-Girl
Guide: Surviving Your 20s With Savvy, Soul, and Style, by Julia Bourland (2000) are advice
books for twenty-something women. The Go-Girl Guide has better relationship advice, but
a 23-year-old told me that Three Black Skirts has better fashion advice. Both provide good
advice about careers and finances.

35.8.1 Quotations and Mentions

• Evolution's End, by Joseph Chilton Pearce (1992), page 75.

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Recommended Books

• The Picture of Dorian Gray, by Oscar Wilde (1890), page 77.

• Coming Alive With Love, by Barbara De Angelis (1985), page 78.
• The Go-Girl Guide, by Julia Bourland (2000), page 80.
• How to Win Friends and Influence People, by Dale Carnegie (1936), page 83.
• The Little Prince, by Antoine de Saint-Exupery (1943), page 85.
• A Little More About Me, by Pam Houston (1999), page 86.
• The Spirit of Intimacy, by Sobonfu Somé (2000), page 88.
• What Our Mothers Didn't Teach Us, by Danielle Crittenden (1999), page 88.

35.9 Flirting

For more about flirting, see Secrets of Sexual Body Language, by Martin Lloyd-Elliott (1995).
This book is beautiful, well-written, and well-produced. Every page has color photographs,
of great-looking men and women. Twelve chapters cover everything from personal space
zones to eye movements to how to kiss. The chapter on peek-a-boo is especially good.

35.9.1 Quotations and Mentions

• Coming Alive With Love, by Barbara De Angelis (1985), page 100.

• The Language of Clothes, by Alison Lurie (2nd edition, 2000), page 107.
• Big Hair: A Journey into the Transformation of Self, by Grant McCracken (1996), page
107.
• House as a Mirror of Self: Exploring the Deeper Meaning of Home, by Clare Cooper
Marcus and James Yandell (1995), page 108.

35.10 Personal Ads

35.10.1 Quotations and Mentions

• Paths to Marriage, by Bernard Murstein (1986), page 113.

35.11 Dating

35.11.1 Quotations and Mentions

• The Open Mind, by Dawna Markova (1991), page 123.

35.12 Sex

• Sexual Health1

1 http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/Sexual%20Health

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 Becoming a Couple

35.12.1 Quotations and Mentions

• Our Bodies, Ourselves, by the Boston Women's Health Collective (1998), page 128.
• The Social Impact of AIDS in the United States, by Albert Y. Jonsen and Jeff Stryker
(1993), page 131.
• Good Vibrations: The New Complete Guide to Vibrators, by Joani Blank (2000), page
131.
• Sex in America: A Definitive Survey, by Robert T. Michael, John H. Gagnon, Edward
O. Laumann, and Gina Bari Kolata (1994), page 137.
• The Sweet Potato Queens' Book of Love, by Jill Conner Browne (1999), pages 137 and
139.
• How to Please a Woman In and Out of Bed, by Daylle Deanna Schwartz (2001), page
138.
• Shakespeare's Sonnets and Poems, edited by Louis B. Wright and Virginia A. Lamar
(1988), page 139.
• The Essential Rumi, translated by Coleman Barks (1997), page 139.

35.13 Becoming a Couple

For more about switching gender roles in dating, read Getting to "I Do," by Patricia Allen
and Sandra Harmon (1994). The authors believe that relationships work when one partner
uses masculine behavior and the other partner uses feminine behavior. A man and a woman
may take either role, but a relationship breaks down when both individuals use masculine
behavior (resulting in competition), or both use feminine behavior (needing, but not getting,
emotional support).
A Fine Romance: The Passage of Courtship from Meeting to Marriage, by Judith Sills
(1987), is the best book I've read about the transition from dating to committed relation-
ships. The book also discusses the coded communication of flirtation, moving from dating
to seduction, negotiation to work out problems, and commitment to marriage.
Why Do Fools Fall in Love: Experiencing the Magic, Mystery, and Meaning of Success-
ful Relationships, edited by Janice R. Levine and Howard Markman (2000), is about the
transition from loving your projected ideal to loving your real partner.

35.13.1 Quotations and Mentions

• The Rules, by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider (1995), page 140.
• Passionate Marriage, by David Schnarch (1997), page 143

35.14 Conflict in Relationships

How to Love a Woman: On Intimacy and the Erotic Life of Women, by Clarissa Pinkola
Estés (1993), would be better titled "The Birth-Death-Rebirth Cycle of Intimate Relation-
ships." Relationships start with high expectations. Sooner or later, scary, ugly, disturbing

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Recommended Books

things happen. Expect this cycle. Staying emotionally committed through crises leads to a
deeper relationship.

35.14.1 Quotations and Mentions

• Passionate Marriage, by David Schnarch (1997), page 151.

• Reporting Live, by Lesley Stahl (2000), page 152.
• The Emotional Revolution, by Norman Rosenthal (2002), page 153.

35.15 Emotional Control Systems

The emotional control systems are from Affective Neuroscience: The Foundations of Human
and Animal Emotions, by Jaak Panksepp (1999).
Goddesses in Everywoman (1984) and Gods in Everyman (1989), both by Jean Shinoda
Bolen, present the Greek gods and goddesses as personality types. Each god or goddess
has a 25- to 30-page chapter presenting mythology, the archetype in contemporary society,
and the personality type from childhood through old age, including marriage and sex. Each
chapter also identifies psychological difficulties associated with each archetype, and ways to
grow to overcome these difficulties.

35.15.1 Quotations and Mentions

• Romancing the Shadow, by Connie Zweig and Steve Wolf (1997), page 156.

35.16 Poseidon-Athena

35.16.1 Quotations and Mentions

• Iron John, by Robert Bly (1990), page 163.

35.17 Apollo-Artemis

35.17.1 Quotations and Mentions

• Goddesses in Everywoman, by Jean Shinoda Bolen (1984), pages 174 and 175.

35.18 Hermes-Hestia

35.18.1 Quotations and Mentions

• Gods in Everyman, by Jean Shinoda Bolen (1989), page 182.

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 Dionysus-Demeter

35.19 Dionysus-Demeter

For more about the relationship between the New Testament and older Dionysus myths,
see The Jesus Mysteries, by Timothy Freke and Peter Gandy (1999).
For more about Osho, see Golden Guru: The Strange Journey of Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh,
by James S. Gordon (1987).

35.20 Hades-Persephone

For more about Persephone behavior, including passivity and self-destructive behavior
stages, see The Wonder of Girls, by Michael Gurian (2002). Gurian's The Wonder of
Boys (1997) is also worth reading.

35.20.1 Quotations and Mentions

• Interview with the Vampire, by Anne Rice (1976), page 201.

• Hamlet, by William Shakespeare (circa 1600), page 201.
• The Glass Menagerie, by Tennessee Williams (1994), page 201.
• I Never Promised You a Rose Garden, by Hannah Green (1988), page 201.
• Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sado-
masochism, by Philip Miller and Molly Devon (1995), page 204.

205
36 FAQ

36.1 Confused & Upset

I started dating this woman five weeks ago. We got into it pretty heavy. We spent alot of
time together. I began staying at her house every night, aside from maybe 2 or 3 nights.
A week ago things started getting a little rough. We got into a little spat for the first
time. Since then, things just seemed to go a little downhill. A few days later we got into
another disagreement, and soon after that she told me that we needed some time apart. I
can understand the time apart thing, to some degree. But I'm really into this person and
am scared about losing her. I stayed at home last night for the first time in roughly three
weeks. I miss her alot already. What I want to know I guess, what do I do to keep in
contact with her? How do I go abouts keeping contact? How often? My initial reaction is
to pour myself out into a note or email and give it to her,yet, I dont want to push her any
more.
I presume the two of you are in your twenties. The chapter Adolescence--Seeking Romantic
Love1 shows how young people fall in love, by projecting idealizations onto a partner rather
than by seeing who the partner really is. When even a tiny bit of reality cracks that
idealization, the fantasy falls apart in a hurry. Young people then go from madly in love
to hating each other. Contrast this to Adulthood--Families And Forgiveness2 . Help her to
move from adolescent love to mature love.--Thomas David Kehoe3 21:39, 16 October 2006
(UTC)

36.2 Conflict

I got out with a girl, we work in the same place. Before this, I was in love with another girl,
but she did not felt the same for me. Then I decided to take a chance with the girl who
worked with me. I found out that she liked me and I didn't know that. The problem is that
she wants a serious relationship, but I don't think I'm ready for it, I feel quite unconfortable,
but now I think there's no return. I was forced to ask her father to date her, but I don't
want to (altough he refused). Anyway, she has deeper feeling for me than mine for her. I
fear hurting her and I'm ashamed because of it. —The preceding unsigned comment was added
by 201.13.27.2374 (talk5 • contribs6 ) 13:29, 16 December 2006 (UTC)

1 Chapter 12 on page 81
2 Chapter 13 on page 89
3 http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/User%3ATdkehoe
4 http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/User%3A201.13.27.237
5 http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/User%20talk%3A201.13.27.237
6 http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/Special%3AContributions%2F201.13.27.237

207
FAQ

36.3 Why develop all 15 archetypes?

Why is it ideal, as you said, to develop all fifteen archetypes rather than just a few like
most couples do? Are we some kind of super-couple if we can develop all fifteen equally?

36.4 A love style in a relationship

Hi all. How can we women deal with men as being ludic?

Ludic means being playful, there are many games that strengthen relationship, team ac-
tivities of exploration and testing of skills will serve to increase mutual reliance and expose
character traits that could otherwise not be evident. It is also a good way to define shared
interest. --Panic7 (discuss8 • contribs9 ) 03:39, 17 February 2012 (UTC)

36.5 relationship with a married man

is a relationship with a married man have a great future

It depends in many factors. A marriage is not only a legal contract but a trust commit-
ment between two persons. If one is infringing on that legal and moral contract without
the knowledge of the other partner and without a valid reasons (all extremely limited in
time and all excluding participation in most marital functions). That person not only
demonstrates a lack of character and reliability but escalates the possibility that he/she
is not committed to the new relation or the situation can be repeatable in the future.
Even more if he/she knows the new partner is aware of the situation, since he/she is
also morally corrupted by association. This seems common sense. --Panic10 (discuss11 •
contribs12 ) 13:03, 6 April 2012 (UTC)

7 http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/User%3APanic2k4
8 http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/User%20talk%3APanic2k4
9 http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/Special%3AContributions%2FPanic2k4
10 http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/User%3APanic2k4
11 http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/User%20talk%3APanic2k4
12 http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/Special%3AContributions%2FPanic2k4

208
37 GNU Free Documentation License

As of July 15, 2009 Wikibooks has moved to a dual-licensing

system that supersedes the previous GFDL only licensing. In
short, this means that text licensed under the GFDL only can
no longer be imported to Wikibooks, retroactive to 1 Novem-
ber 2008. Additionally, Wikibooks text might or might not
now be exportable under the GFDL depending on whether or
not any content was added and not removed since July 15.

Version 1.3, 3 November 2008 Copyright (C) 2000, 2001, 2002, 2007, 2008 Free Software
Foundation, Inc. <http://fsf.org/>
Everyone is permitted to copy and distribute verbatim copies of this license document, but
changing it is not allowed.

37.1 0. PREAMBLE

The purpose of this License is to make a manual, textbook, or other functional and useful
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GNU Free Documentation License

37.2 1. APPLICABILITY AND DEFINITIONS

This License applies to any manual or other work, in any medium, that contains a notice
placed by the copyright holder saying it can be distributed under the terms of this License.
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The "Invariant Sections" are certain Secondary Sections whose titles are designated, as
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sors, SGML or XML for which the DTD and/or processing tools are not generally available,

210
 2. VERBATIM COPYING

and the machine-generated HTML, PostScript or PDF produced by some word processors
for output purposes only.
The "Title Page" means, for a printed book, the title page itself, plus such following pages
as are needed to hold, legibly, the material this License requires to appear in the title page.
For works in formats which do not have any title page as such, "Title Page" means the
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The "publisher" means any person or entity that distributes copies of the Document to the
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A section "Entitled XYZ" means a named subunit of the Document whose title either
is precisely XYZ or contains XYZ in parentheses following text that translates XYZ in
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The Document may include Warranty Disclaimers next to the notice which states that
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included by reference in this License, but only as regards disclaiming warranties: any other
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meaning of this License.

37.3 2. VERBATIM COPYING

You may copy and distribute the Document in any medium, either commercially or noncom-
mercially, provided that this License, the copyright notices, and the license notice saying
this License applies to the Document are reproduced in all copies, and that you add no
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You may also lend copies, under the same conditions stated above, and you may publicly
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37.4 3. COPYING IN QUANTITY

If you publish printed copies (or copies in media that commonly have printed covers) of the
Document, numbering more than 100, and the Document's license notice requires Cover
Texts, you must enclose the copies in covers that carry, clearly and legibly, all these Cover
Texts: Front-Cover Texts on the front cover, and Back-Cover Texts on the back cover. Both
covers must also clearly and legibly identify you as the publisher of these copies. The front
cover must present the full title with all words of the title equally prominent and visible.
You may add other material on the covers in addition. Copying with changes limited to the

211
GNU Free Documentation License

covers, as long as they preserve the title of the Document and satisfy these conditions, can
be treated as verbatim copying in other respects.
If the required texts for either cover are too voluminous to fit legibly, you should put the
first ones listed (as many as fit reasonably) on the actual cover, and continue the rest onto
adjacent pages.
If you publish or distribute Opaque copies of the Document numbering more than 100, you
must either include a machine-readable Transparent copy along with each Opaque copy,
or state in or with each Opaque copy a computer-network location from which the general
network-using public has access to download using public-standard network protocols a
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option, you must take reasonably prudent steps, when you begin distribution of Opaque
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It is requested, but not required, that you contact the authors of the Document well before
redistributing any large number of copies, to give them a chance to provide you with an
updated version of the Document.

37.5 4. MODIFICATIONS

You may copy and distribute a Modified Version of the Document under the conditions
of sections 2 and 3 above, provided that you release the Modified Version under precisely
this License, with the Modified Version filling the role of the Document, thus licensing
distribution and modification of the Modified Version to whoever possesses a copy of it. In
addition, you must do these things in the Modified Version:
1. Use in the Title Page (and on the covers, if any) a title distinct from that of the
Document, and from those of previous versions (which should, if there were any, be
listed in the History section of the Document). You may use the same title as a
previous version if the original publisher of that version gives permission.
2. List on the Title Page, as authors, one or more persons or entities responsible for
authorship of the modifications in the Modified Version, together with at least five
of the principal authors of the Document (all of its principal authors, if it has fewer
than five), unless they release you from this requirement.
3. State on the Title page the name of the publisher of the Modified Version, as the
publisher.
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5. Add an appropriate copyright notice for your modifications adjacent to the other
copyright notices.
6. Include, immediately after the copyright notices, a license notice giving the public
permission to use the Modified Version under the terms of this License, in the form
shown in the Addendum below.
7. Preserve in that license notice the full lists of Invariant Sections and required Cover
Texts given in the Document's license notice.
8. Include an unaltered copy of this License.

212
 4. MODIFICATIONS

9. Preserve the section Entitled "History", Preserve its Title, and add to it an item
stating at least the title, year, new authors, and publisher of the Modified Version as
given on the Title Page. If there is no section Entitled "History" in the Document,
create one stating the title, year, authors, and publisher of the Document as given
on its Title Page, then add an item describing the Modified Version as stated in the
previous sentence.
10. Preserve the network location, if any, given in the Document for public access to a
Transparent copy of the Document, and likewise the network locations given in the
Document for previous versions it was based on. These may be placed in the "History"
section. You may omit a network location for a work that was published at least four
years before the Document itself, or if the original publisher of the version it refers to
gives permission.
11. For any section Entitled "Acknowledgements" or "Dedications", Preserve the Title
of the section, and preserve in the section all the substance and tone of each of the
contributor acknowledgements and/or dedications given therein.
12. Preserve all the Invariant Sections of the Document, unaltered in their text and in
their titles. Section numbers or the equivalent are not considered part of the section
titles.
13. Delete any section Entitled "Endorsements". Such a section may not be included in
the Modified version.
14. Do not retitle any existing section to be Entitled "Endorsements" or to conflict in
title with any Invariant Section.
15. Preserve any Warranty Disclaimers.
If the Modified Version includes new front-matter sections or appendices that qualify as
Secondary Sections and contain no material copied from the Document, you may at your
option designate some or all of these sections as invariant. To do this, add their titles to
the list of Invariant Sections in the Modified Version's license notice. These titles must be
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You may add a section Entitled "Endorsements", provided it contains nothing but endorse-
ments of your Modified Version by various parties—for example, statements of peer review
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You may add a passage of up to five words as a Front-Cover Text, and a passage of up
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The author(s) and publisher(s) of the Document do not by this License give permission to
use their names for publicity for or to assert or imply endorsement of any Modified Version.

213
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37.6 5. COMBINING DOCUMENTS

You may combine the Document with other documents released under this License, under
the terms defined in section 4 above for modified versions, provided that you include in the
combination all of the Invariant Sections of all of the original documents, unmodified, and
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The combined work need only contain one copy of this License, and multiple identical
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In the combination, you must combine any sections Entitled "History" in the various original
documents, forming one section Entitled "History"; likewise combine any sections Entitled
"Acknowledgements", and any sections Entitled "Dedications". You must delete all sections
Entitled "Endorsements".

37.7 6. COLLECTIONS OF DOCUMENTS

You may make a collection consisting of the Document and other documents released under
this License, and replace the individual copies of this License in the various documents with
a single copy that is included in the collection, provided that you follow the rules of this
License for verbatim copying of each of the documents in all other respects.
You may extract a single document from such a collection, and distribute it individually
under this License, provided you insert a copy of this License into the extracted document,
and follow this License in all other respects regarding verbatim copying of that document.

37.8 7. AGGREGATION WITH INDEPENDENT

WORKS

A compilation of the Document or its derivatives with other separate and independent
documents or works, in or on a volume of a storage or distribution medium, is called an
"aggregate" if the copyright resulting from the compilation is not used to limit the legal
rights of the compilation's users beyond what the individual works permit. When the
Document is included in an aggregate, this License does not apply to the other works in
the aggregate which are not themselves derivative works of the Document.
If the Cover Text requirement of section 3 is applicable to these copies of the Document,
then if the Document is less than one half of the entire aggregate, the Document's Cover
Texts may be placed on covers that bracket the Document within the aggregate, or the
electronic equivalent of covers if the Document is in electronic form. Otherwise they must
appear on printed covers that bracket the whole aggregate.

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 8. TRANSLATION

37.9 8. TRANSLATION

Translation is considered a kind of modification, so you may distribute translations of the

Document under the terms of section 4. Replacing Invariant Sections with translations
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notice or disclaimer, the original version will prevail.
If a section in the Document is Entitled "Acknowledgements", "Dedications", or "History",
the requirement (section 4) to Preserve its Title (section 1) will typically require changing
the actual title.

37.10 9. TERMINATION

You may not copy, modify, sublicense, or distribute the Document except as expressly pro-
vided under this License. Any attempt otherwise to copy, modify, sublicense, or distribute
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However, if you cease all violation of this License, then your license from a particular copy-
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Termination of your rights under this section does not terminate the licenses of parties
who have received copies or rights from you under this License. If your rights have been
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material does not give you any rights to use it.

37.11 10. FUTURE REVISIONS OF THIS LICENSE

The Free Software Foundation may publish new, revised versions of the GNU Free Doc-
umentation License from time to time. Such new versions will be similar in spirit to
the present version, but may differ in detail to address new problems or concerns. See
http://www.gnu.org/copyleft/.
Each version of the License is given a distinguishing version number. If the Document
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to it, you have the option of following the terms and conditions either of that specified

215
GNU Free Documentation License

version or of any later version that has been published (not as a draft) by the Free Software
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37.12 11. RELICENSING

"Massive Multiauthor Collaboration Site" (or "MMC Site") means any World Wide Web
server that publishes copyrightable works and also provides prominent facilities for anybody
to edit those works. A public wiki that anybody can edit is an example of such a server. A
"Massive Multiauthor Collaboration" (or "MMC") contained in the site means any set of
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"CC-BY-SA" means the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 3.0 license published
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"Incorporate" means to publish or republish a Document, in whole or in part, as part of
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An MMC is "eligible for relicensing" if it is licensed under this License, and if all works that
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incorporated in whole or in part into the MMC, (1) had no cover texts or invariant sections,
and (2) were thus incorporated prior to November 1, 2008.
The operator of an MMC Site may republish an MMC contained in the site under CC-BY-
SA on the same site at any time before August 1, 2009, provided the MMC is eligible for
relicensing.

216
38 How to use this License for your
documents

To use this License in a document you have written, include a copy of the License in the
document and put the following copyright and license notices just after the title page:
Copyright (c) YEAR YOUR NAME.
Permission is granted to copy, distribute and/or modify this document
under the terms of the GNU Free Documentation License, Version 1.3
or any later version published by the Free Software Foundation;
with no Invariant Sections, no Front-Cover Texts, and no Back-Cover Texts.
A copy of the license is included in the section entitled "GNU
Free Documentation License".
If you have Invariant Sections, Front-Cover Texts and Back-Cover Texts, replace the
"with...Texts." line with this:
with the Invariant Sections being LIST THEIR TITLES, with the
Front-Cover Texts being LIST, and with the Back-Cover Texts being LIST.
If you have Invariant Sections without Cover Texts, or some other combination of the three,
merge those two alternatives to suit the situation.
If your document contains nontrivial examples of program code, we recommend releasing
these examples in parallel under your choice of free software license, such as the GNU
General Public License, to permit their use in free software.

217
39 Contributors

Edits User
1 .Koen1
1 A. B.2
7 Adrignola3
1 Ajraddatz4
8 Archolman5
1 Aya6
5 Az15687
1 Chazz8
3 CommonsDelinker9
2 Darklama10
3 Derbeth11
4 Dirk Hünniger12
1 Everlong13
1 Guanaco14
42 Hagindaz15
4 Heartofpeach16
3 Jade Knight17
28 Jguk18
1 Jokes Free4Me19
20 Jomegat20
2 Kayau21

1 http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/User:.Koen
2 http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/User:A._B.
3 http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/User:Adrignola
4 http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/User:Ajraddatz
5 http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/User:Archolman
6 http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/User:Aya
7 http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/User:Az1568
8 http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/User:Chazz
9 http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/User:CommonsDelinker
10 http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/User:Darklama
11 http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/User:Derbeth
12 http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/User:Dirk_H%25C3%25BCnniger
13 http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/User:Everlong
14 http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/User:Guanaco
15 http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/User:Hagindaz
16 http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/User:Heartofpeach
17 http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/User:Jade_Knight
18 http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/User:Jguk
19 http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/User:Jokes_Free4Me
20 http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/User:Jomegat
21 http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/User:Kayau

219
Contributors

6 Mattb11288522
5 Maveric14923
30 Mike's bot account24
18 Mike.lifeguard25
2 Neoptolemus26
20 Panic2k427
1 Pi zero28
2 PurplePieman29
25 QuiteUnusual30
1 Ravichandar8431
3 Recent Runes32
2 Remi0o33
1 Robert Horning34
1 SB Johnny35
1 Sameerkale36
1 SausageSucker37
1 Sigma 738
1 Stryn39
1 Sundance Raphael40
6 Swift41
1 Tannersf42
169 Tdkehoe43
3 Thenub31444
3 Thereen45
3 Webaware46

22 http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/User:Mattb112885
23 http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/User:Maveric149
24 http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/User:Mike%2527s_bot_account
25 http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/User:Mike.lifeguard
26 http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/User:Neoptolemus
27 http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/User:Panic2k4
28 http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/User:Pi_zero
29 http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/User:PurplePieman
30 http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/User:QuiteUnusual
31 http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/User:Ravichandar84
32 http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/User:Recent_Runes
33 http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/User:Remi0o
34 http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/User:Robert_Horning
35 http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/User:SB_Johnny
36 http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/User:Sameerkale
37 http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/User:SausageSucker
38 http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/User:Sigma_7
39 http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/User:Stryn
40 http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/User:Sundance_Raphael
41 http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/User:Swift
42 http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/User:Tannersf
43 http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/User:Tdkehoe
44 http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/User:Thenub314
45 http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/User:Thereen
46 http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/User:Webaware

220
 11. RELICENSING

6 Whiteknight47
1 Wikisquared48
3 Withinfocus49
1 Wutsje50
14 Xania51
2 Xixtas52

47 http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/User:Whiteknight
48 http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/User:Wikisquared
49 http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/User:Withinfocus
50 http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/User:Wutsje
51 http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/User:Xania
52 http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/User:Xixtas

221
List of Figures

• GFDL: Gnu Free Documentation License. http://www.gnu.org/licenses/fdl.

html
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• cc-by-sa-1.0: Creative Commons Attribution ShareAlike 1.0 License. http://
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• cc-by-2.0: Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 License. http://creativecommons.
org/licenses/by/2.0/
• cc-by-2.0: Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 License. http://creativecommons.
org/licenses/by/2.0/deed.en
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org/licenses/by/2.5/deed.en
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org/licenses/by/3.0/deed.en
• GPL: GNU General Public License. http://www.gnu.org/licenses/gpl-2.0.txt
• LGPL: GNU Lesser General Public License. http://www.gnu.org/licenses/lgpl.
html
• PD: This image is in the public domain.
• ATTR: The copyright holder of this file allows anyone to use it for any purpose,
provided that the copyright holder is properly attributed. Redistribution, derivative
work, commercial use, and all other use is permitted.
• EURO: This is the common (reverse) face of a euro coin. The copyright on the design
of the common face of the euro coins belongs to the European Commission. Authorised
is reproduction in a format without relief (drawings, paintings, films) provided they
are not detrimental to the image of the euro.
• LFK: Lizenz Freie Kunst. http://artlibre.org/licence/lal/de
• CFR: Copyright free use.

223
List of Figures

• EPL: Eclipse Public License. http://www.eclipse.org/org/documents/epl-v10.

php
Copies of the GPL, the LGPL as well as a GFDL are included in chapter Licenses53 . Please
note that images in the public domain do not require attribution. You may click on the
image numbers in the following table to open the webpage of the images in your webbrower.

53 Chapter 40 on page 227

224
 List of Figures

1
2 Official White House photographer
3
4
5
6 Unknown PD
7 This file is lacking author information.
8
9
10 Dbenbenn, Frank C. Müller, Howcheng, Infrogmation,
Morio, PeterWD, Richard Arthur Norton (1958- ), SieBot,
Umedard, Wst
11 penubag54

Yellow concept by User:Vipersnake15155 , penubag56

Yellow concept by User:Vipersnake15157

54 http:////commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/User:Penubag
55 http:////commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/User:Vipersnake151
56 http:///wiki/User:Penubag
57 http:///wiki/User:Vipersnake151

225
40 Licenses

40.1 GNU GENERAL PUBLIC LICENSE

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conveying the Program. 13. Use with the GNU Affero General Public However, no additional obligations are imposed on any author or copy- cannot be given local legal effect according to their terms, reviewing along with this program. If not, see <http://www.gnu.org/licenses/>.
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Disclaimer of Warranty. lute waiver of all civil liability in connection with the Program, unless a
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40.2 GNU Free Documentation License

Version 1.3, 3 November 2008 following text that translates XYZ in another language. (Here XYZ the Invariant Sections of the Document, unaltered in their text and Title (section 1) will typically require changing the actual title. 9.
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If you publish printed copies (or copies in media that commonly have you or by arrangement made by the same entity you are acting on
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1. APPLICABILITY AND DEFINITIONS on explicit permission from the previous publisher that added the old
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one. The Free Software Foundation may publish new, revised versions
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that contains a notice placed by the copyright holder saying it can new versions will be similar in spirit to the present version, but
back cover. Both covers must also clearly and legibly identify you as The author(s) and publisher(s) of the Document do not by this Li-
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the publisher of these copies. The front cover must present the full title cense give permission to use their names for publicity for or to as-
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If the required texts for either cover are too voluminous to fit legibly,
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tions and/or translated into another language. notice, and that you preserve all their Warranty Disclaimers. number of this License, you may choose any version ever published
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You may make a collection consisting of the Document and other doc-
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The "Cover Texts" are certain short passages of text that are listed, You may copy and distribute a Modified Version of the Document un- included in the collection, provided that you follow the rules of this "Incorporate" means to publish or republish a Document, in whole or
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A copy made in an otherwise Transparent file format whose markup, as authors, one or more persons or entities responsible for authorship distribution medium, is called an "aggregate" if the copyright resulting How to use this License for your documents
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is not Transparent if used for any substantial amount of text. A copy To use this License in a document you have written, include a copy
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8. TRANSLATION
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which do not have any title page as such, "Title Page" means the text network location, if any, given in the Document for public access to a
Transparent copy of the Document, and likewise the network locations ant Sections. You may include a translation of this License, and all the
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beginning of the body of the text. given in the Document for previous versions it was based on. These
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location for a work that was published at least four years before the and the original versions of those notices and disclaimers. In case of a uation.
The "publisher" means any person or entity that distributes copies of Document itself, or if the original publisher of the version it refers to disagreement between the translation and the original version of this
the Document to the public. gives permission. * K. For any section Entitled "Acknowledgements" License or a notice or disclaimer, the original version will prevail. If your document contains nontrivial examples of program code, we
or "Dedications", Preserve the Title of the section, and preserve in recommend releasing these examples in parallel under your choice of
A section "Entitled XYZ" means a named subunit of the Document the section all the substance and tone of each of the contributor ac- If a section in the Document is Entitled "Acknowledgements", "Ded- free software license, such as the GNU General Public License, to per-
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40.3 GNU Lesser General Public License
GNU LESSER GENERAL PUBLIC LICENSE The “Corresponding Application Code” for a Combined Work means You may convey a Combined Work under terms of your choice that, You may place library facilities that are a work based on the Library
the object code and/or source code for the Application, including any taken together, effectively do not restrict modification of the portions side by side in a single library together with other library facilities that
Version 3, 29 June 2007 data and utility programs needed for reproducing the Combined Work of the Library contained in the Combined Work and reverse engineer- are not Applications and are not covered by this License, and convey
from the Application, but excluding the System Libraries of the Com- ing for debugging such modifications, if you also do each of the follow- such a combined library under terms of your choice, if you do both of
bined Work. 1. Exception to Section 3 of the GNU GPL. ing: the following:
Copyright © 2007 Free Software Foundation, Inc. <http://fsf.org/>
You may convey a covered work under sections 3 and 4 of this License * a) Accompany the combined library with a copy of the same work
Everyone is permitted to copy and distribute verbatim copies of this without being bound by section 3 of the GNU GPL. 2. Conveying * a) Give prominent notice with each copy of the Combined Work
license document, but changing it is not allowed. that the Library is used in it and that the Library and its use are based on the Library, uncombined with any other library facilities,
Modified Versions. conveyed under the terms of this License. * b) Give prominent no-
covered by this License. * b) Accompany the Combined Work with a
copy of the GNU GPL and this license document. * c) For a Com- tice with the combined library that part of it is a work based on the
This version of the GNU Lesser General Public License incorporates If you modify a copy of the Library, and, in your modifications, a fa- Library, and explaining where to find the accompanying uncombined
the terms and conditions of version 3 of the GNU General Public Li- bined Work that displays copyright notices during execution, include
cility refers to a function or data to be supplied by an Application that the copyright notice for the Library among these notices, as well as a form of the same work.
cense, supplemented by the additional permissions listed below. 0. uses the facility (other than as an argument passed when the facility
Additional Definitions. reference directing the user to the copies of the GNU GPL and this
is invoked), then you may convey a copy of the modified version: license document. * d) Do one of the following: o 0) Convey the 6. Revised Versions of the GNU Lesser General Public License.
Minimal Corresponding Source under the terms of this License, and
As used herein, “this License” refers to version 3 of the GNU Lesser * a) under this License, provided that you make a good faith effort to the Corresponding Application Code in a form suitable for, and under
General Public License, and the “GNU GPL” refers to version 3 of the ensure that, in the event an Application does not supply the function terms that permit, the user to recombine or relink the Application The Free Software Foundation may publish revised and/or new ver-
GNU General Public License. or data, the facility still operates, and performs whatever part of its with a modified version of the Linked Version to produce a modified sions of the GNU Lesser General Public License from time to time.
purpose remains meaningful, or * b) under the GNU GPL, with none Combined Work, in the manner specified by section 6 of the GNU Such new versions will be similar in spirit to the present version, but
“The Library” refers to a covered work governed by this License, other of the additional permissions of this License applicable to that copy. GPL for conveying Corresponding Source. o 1) Use a suitable shared may differ in detail to address new problems or concerns.
than an Application or a Combined Work as defined below. library mechanism for linking with the Library. A suitable mechanism
3. Object Code Incorporating Material from Library Header Files. is one that (a) uses at run time a copy of the Library already present Each version is given a distinguishing version number. If the Library
An “Application” is any work that makes use of an interface provided on the user's computer system, and (b) will operate properly with a as you received it specifies that a certain numbered version of the GNU
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The “Minimal Corresponding Source” for a Combined Work means the this License. * b) Accompany the object code with a copy of the GNU by section 6 of the GNU GPL for conveying Corresponding Source.) whether future versions of the GNU Lesser General Public License
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code for portions of the Combined Work that, considered in isolation, sion is permanent authorization for you to choose that version for the
are based on the Application, and not on the Linked Version. 4. Combined Works. 5. Combined Libraries. Library.