FROM TANTRUMS TO DEFIANCE – A CHALLENGE TO PARENTING IN

SINGAPORE

From the pews to the playground, it is not uncommon to witness parents dealing with
children in fits of tantrums. It is also becoming commonplace that many families of
defiant teens live in homes that have become battlegrounds. Increasingly, youth
defiance has become the genesis for youth crimes. In its most recent statistics on
juvenile crime in Singapore, the Singapore Police Force revealed that youth-arrests
grew by 5% from 2006 to 2007, and it accounts for 23% of the total arrests made in
20071. Many of these are attributed to children and teenagers who seemingly display
defiant behaviour, both in the public and at home.
The intention of this paper is to provide an overview into defiant children, its causes,
and the possible interventions to alleviate this development in Singapore.

WHAT IS DEFIANCE?

The Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary defines “Defiance” as “open, bold resistance

to authority”2. A defiant child can therefore be said to be one who fails to comply
with an adult’s request within a reasonable time; failing to complete a given task as
requested; and failing to follow a set of rules of conduct3.
Hutten4 puts it that defiant behaviour distinguishes from normal teenage in the
following:

· Defiant teens are destructive and disagreeable

· They like to push their parents' anger-buttons
· Every request results in a power struggle
· Lying is a daily habit, and stealing is a favourite hobby
· Getting others to react strongly pleases and amuses them
· They blame others for their mistakes and misbehaviour
· And they have no remorse for the hurtful things they say and do

1
Crime Situation for Jan – Dec 2007 – Youths as Perpetrators of Crime
http://www.spf.gov.sg/stats/stats2007_youtharrests.htm accessed on 5 May 2010
2
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/defiance accessed on 5 May 2010
3
Barkley, R. A. , Robin, A. L., Benton, C. M., Your Defiant Teen, The Guilford Press, 2008 , Pg 10 -
11
4
Hutten, M., Discipline for the Teenager, http://www.myoutofcontrolteen.com/ accessed on 5 May 2010
A defiant child is characterized by behaviour that is much worse than that of most
children of the same age; has difficulties functioning as expected, and is causing a lot
of emotional harm to himself and distress to those around him5.

Defiance develops over time. A child begins to test authority over the smallest of
instructions, and display resistance to directives. When these illicit parents to
response either in yelling repartee, or in giving in, the child has thus learnt to use
defiance as a tool. In due course, this defiant behaviour grows and the child begins
to become argumentative, quick to anger and over defensive. Defiance gives way to
full-blown rebellion in the following possible situations:

• Spending more time with friends away from family members

• Rejection of rules/curfews
• School problems - cutting classes, missing school, drop in grades
• Substance abuse - experimenting with alcohol and illicit drugs
• Change in appearance/interests - trying out new clothing styles, hairstyles, tastes
in music
• Running away from home

WHY DO THEY BECOME DEFIANT?

It is undeniable that as children grow, factors such as independence, the search for
identity and hormonal change, take place. However, in the midst of these, defiance
can find a way in through the following factors:

The Child / Teenager

Differing Views - With the influence of the media and friends, children have differing
views from adults. These views can be at odds with each other and thus conflict can
arise.

Peer Pressure - Peer pressures can be very responsible for defiance. Teenager are
particularly susceptible to these issues. Teenagers want to feel like a part of the
group. In order to do this, they often find themselves in positions that they do not
particularly care for but follow anyway. Image is everything and this can show itself
up by the way they dress, speak, or even in what they do, e.g. engaging in activities
on the Internet.

5
Barkely et al, Your Defiant Teen, pg 3 - 4
Control – As the child strives for independence, there is need for him to feel as
though he is in control. All of their lives have been spent listening to what other
people tell them to do. They already know the consequences of mistakes, but at
some point, they must try it anyway. That is because even when it is a bad choice,
they feel in control of the situation they are in. That makes them feel better and
independent from their parents. It had been observed that as time goes, this need
for independence is happening at younger ages. Parents wrestle with this because
they do not want their children to make mistakes, but the children view this as
imposing parental control over their lives.

Parents & Family Circumstances – In a study in by Nanyang Technological University

in1998, it was found that family size, family income and paternal care were found to
be significant in influencing the delinquency of adolescents.6 It was found that as
family size increased teenage delinquency also increased. This inferred that parents
may have had less individual time with each child, leading to a certain level of
neglect. Other studies have also suggested that inadequate parental bonding could
be related to disordered behaviour and adjustment problems. More significantly is the
finding that paternal care plays a significant role in determining the behaviour of a
child. The greater the amount of care shown by the father, the less difficult the child
becomes.
But one astonishing finding was that, as family income increases, teenage
delinquency also increases. One probable reason for this could be that these parents
have to spend more time on their jobs to earn an increased amount of income
resulting in the reduction of time for their children.

Stress - Stress bears on everyone, especially in a fast-moving meritocratic system

like Singapore’s. For the child in Singapore, academic stress is perhaps weightier
than any other. School stress hits children in Singapore for a variety of reasons.
These include having to endure the pressures of homework and examinations, being
victims of bullying, facing difficulties in making friends, and having to out-perform
peers for positions in prestigious institutions. The need to meet parental and
teachers’ expectations also cause insurmountable stress. This can result in a
complete loss of interest in academic pursuit, especially for those who find it difficult
to keep up. Such behaviour can be taken to be defiant and thus illicit negative

6
Wu, Y., Chia L L., Lee S Y., Lee Y W., Factors Affecting Adolescent Delinquency In Singapore,
Nanyang Business School, NTU Singapore, http://www3.ntu.edu.sg/nbs/sabre/working_papers/07-
98.pdf accessed on 6 May 2010
response. Sometimes children become defiant because they are trying to tell adults
something. Aside from their physical needs, children need to feel loved for who they
are. They need attention, a sense of privacy and independence, respect, trust, and
security. They need to know that their feelings are being validated and that
expectations for them are realistic.

Parenting Style

In 1946, Dr Benjamin Spock published his infamous book "Common Sense Book of
Baby and Child Care," in which he discouraged directive training and emphasized
accommodating children's feelings and catering to their preferences, instead of
stressing the importance of teaching self-denial and respect for authority. A
generation of Americans grew up with this parenting system and many today attribute
the problems of moral decline in the United States of America to this man7. For a
good season, young Singaporean parents, in the quest for new philosophies,
embraced Dr Spock’s ideology, paving way for a generation of “me-myself-and-I”.
Children have learnt to impose themselves on authority. They have learnt to demand
for their “rights”. But we cannot also entirely put blame on Dr Spock. Deeply
entrenched in the Asian culture, especially amongst ethnic Chinese, is the ethos of
重男轻女, the Chinese expression for the
tradition preferring the male gender because the male offspring carries the family
name and perpetuates the lineage8. This has also given rise to what is commonly
known as “spoilt kids”, particularly boys, who understand their ‘privileged’ positions
and impose their demands, and families acceding to these demands. Unfulfilled
demands frequently result in tantrums and defiance, coupled with screaming
matches and violence on innate objects. But in the Singapore context where families
are found to have become smaller, with less babies born each year, a new trend has
emerged. Much like the result of China’s One-Child Policy which ushered a
generation of well pampered children, Singapore families have also taken to ‘pamper’
daughters as well, thus raising a growing generation of young people who are self-
indulgent coming from homes that have become child-centred.

Medical
7
Bradley, R., How Dr Spock Destroyed America, World net Daily Exclusive Commentary, 27 Jan
2009, accessed on 4 May 2010
8
Tan, P K, M.D.,Where have all the sons gone? SMA News Nov 2003 Vol 35 (11) pg 8 accessed 4
May 2010
Certain medical disorders, such as Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder (ADHD),
Oppositional Defiant Disorder and Bi-polar Disorder, can give rise to significant
defiant behaviour. Such disorders do bring about social phobias and are likely to
demonstrate fits of defiance9.

INTERVENTIONS & SOLUTIONS

Interventions and solutions can be viewed from both the long-and-short term bases.
However, the success of making a change in our society with reference to defiance in
then household requires the fusion-approach of various methods, if not all. The
following are some interventions, although they may not be exhaustive.
Assessment Tools
To understand if the child is displaying normal adolescent behaviour or if there is a
more serious problem underlying, assessment tools can be used. The American
Psychiatric Association’s is developed tools to diagnose children with ADHD or
ODD10. These tools as well as those developed by the American Academy of
Paediatrics and other professional bodies allow for a clearer picture of the child’s
condition, leading to a more accurate diagnosis and treatment.
Likewise, psychological and family therapy assessments can be employed for
assessing the familial condition and thus lead to appropriate family therapy
interventions.

Medical intervention
Certainly there is a place for medical intervention for the defiant child, especially for
those who are diagnosed with ADHD or ODD through assessments. These may
require professional medical therapy and medication. In making a decision for
medication, parents need to be aware of a number of factors, including diagnostics,
treatment and medication side-effects.11

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and Family Systems Therapy Toolbox

9
Barkely et al, Your Defiant Teen, pg 57
10
Boyles, N.S., & Contadino, D., Parenting a Child with ADHD, Lowell House LA 1999, pg 299
11
Greenspan, S. I., and Salmon, J., The Challenging Child – Understanding, raising and enjoying the
five “difficult” types of children, Perseus Books, 1995, Pg 205.
Cognitive Behavioural and Family Systems approaches as choice interventions are
necessary, if not imperative. Each approach has it strength. But it is advantageous
to employ a combination of approaches in this situation.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is built on the assumption that faulty thinking patterns
cause problems in our lives. This therapy model is an extremely effective way of
treating a number of problems with teens and adults, including anxiety, depression,
self injurious behaviours, relationship conflicts, defiance, social avoidance and low
self esteem.

There are several approaches to cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT), including

Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy, Rational Behaviour Therapy, Rational Living
Therapy, Cognitive Therapy, and Dialectic Behaviour Therapy. Most of these are
based on the Cognitive Model of Emotional Response. Coupled with sound
collaborative effort between the therapist and the client, CBT can prove to be a good
intervention tool, especially treating the defiant child.

The value of using the Family Systems Model in therapy is that it raises awareness
around how the dynamics in each family unit may have influenced members’ beliefs,
perceptions, and values that they hold. This awareness can go a long way in
changing unproductive behaviour patterns and interpersonal conflicts being
experienced. The benefit is that each family member can then see his or her role as
cause or solution, or both, to the situation. However, in view of the wide bases that
are potential causes to defiance, it is wise to have a toolbox of therapy models from
which a number of different strategies can be used. For example, one could use
Satir’s Five Stages of Processing Change with the individual or as a family unit12.
Satir also addresses dysfunctional parenting patterns that can be applicable in
addressing rebellion in the home. This can be interspersed, possibly, with Bowen
family systems approach that views the family as an emotional unit and uses
systems thinking to describe the complex interactions in the unit. It is the nature of a
family that its members are intensely connected emotionally. This gives opportunity
for the family unit to address roles and functions and communication as a unit13.

Parenting Style & Discipline

12
For further readings on Satir’s Model and Approaches, refer to Satir, V., Conjoint Family Therapy,
Science and Behavior Books, 1983
13
Further readings on Bowen’s Approach can be found in, Bowen, M., Family Therapy in Clinical
Practice, Jason Aronson, 1994
Foremost, parenting styles must change, with the need to address discipline, self-
control, authority, self-denial, respect and accountability. If the child is given no
reason to be defiant, it will not happen. Giving children a solid background from the
start is the best way to stop it from happening. At this time the child is developing his
sense of self-value and belonging from his parents. Thus this is the most important
time for parents to invest in developing good relationship with the child. Open and
respectful lines of communication can be established, leading to a sense of trust. The
parent must be willing to truly listen and validate what ever the child is feeling but
validation does not mean complete agreement with what is being said. Teenagers
thrive on validation, respect, and sincerity.
There also is a need to show the child consequences of defiant behaviour. If he is
disrespectful to authority, place him on time out; or if he damages property in fits of
anger, he has to pay for it. By realizing the consequences of his actions, which are
undesirable to him, he will try to behave so he can escape these penalties. He must
know the effects of his defiance. Staying firm but with empathetic tone of voice is
also helpful. .It is also important that the parent gives ‘order’ and not options all the
time, especially for children of younger ages. And as the children grow, give tools for
decision making with are guided by sound principles. Although parenting gurus are
not in favour of caning or spanking, such methods of discipline, limited to serious
altercations, may yield positive results (Pro 13:24; Pro 23:13-14).

But what is utmost, especially in the context of a Christian family, is recovering the
God-centered Family. It composes of a Christ-centered husband who submits to the
Lord, a Christ-centered wife who submits to her husband and Christ-centered
children who obey and honor their parents. While we cannot impose Christ-
centeredness on others, we can model it by our own obedience to Christ beginning
right in our very homes. Christian families should apply Biblical Concepts into their
own families since God has already put the instructions in place.

Parenting Education & Skills

The community can also be part of the solution by providing parenting education and
skills. Much has been given to marital preparations, but there is much less attention
given to parenting skills. Religious organisations and the Ministry for Community,
Youth and Sports can spearhead this thrust. Although some Christian organisations
have been putting emphases on raising the father’s role (Center for Fathering, Ltd),
there is still much to learn in terms of parenting and family development.
CONCLUSION

The ultimate question in every parent’s mind is, “Can we truly stop all defiance?”
Preventing all forms of teenage defiance can be a difficult chore as some of these
behaviour are a normal process of growing up. For the parent, it will always be the
task to keep the balance of open communication, fairness, house-rules, respect, trust
and love, in the face of a new generation. For the Christian parent, together with the
tools available, he can trust in His Father in heaven to provide that wisdom and
knowledge to bring about children who not only honours him, but also his Heavenly
Father.
Bibliography

Barkley, R. A. , Robin, A. L., Benton, C. M., Your Defiant Teen, The Guilford Press, 2008

Boyles, N.S., Contadino, D., Parenting a Child with ADHD, Lowell House LA 1999,

Bradley, R., How Dr Spock Destroyed America, Worldnet Daily Exclusive Commentary, 27 Jan 2009

Crime Situation for Jan – Dec 2007 – Youths as Perpetrators of Crime

http://www.spf.gov.sg/stats/stats2007_youtharrests.htm

Greenspan, S. I., and Salmon, J., The Challenging Child – Understanding, raising and enjoying the five
“difficult” types of children, Perseus Books, 1995

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/defiance

Hutten, M., Discipline for the Teenager, http://www.myoutofcontrolteen.com/

Tan, P K, M.D.,Where have all the sons gone? SMA News Nov 2003 Vol 35 (11)

Wu, Y., Chia L L., Lee S Y., Lee Y W., Factors Affecting Adolescent Delinquency In Singapore, Nanyang
Business School, NTU Singapore, http://www3.ntu.edu.sg/nbs/sabre/working_papers/07-98.pdf