eb0d5c8e-2e5b-4da1-93d3-7f06d4af433e

Worshipping
Your Wife
Six Steps for Turning Marriage
Back Into Passionate Courtship
MarkRemond
Lul u.com
© 2008 by Mark Remond
All rights reserved.
ISBN 978-1-4357-1597-4
Printed in the United States of America
Acknowledgment and Disclaimer: As noted several places in

the text, the uncredited quotations appearing in this book were
gleaned over a period of many years from a variety of online
sources-newsgroups, forums, bulletin boards, guestbooks and
social networking sites, as well as individual emails to me-all
dealing with aspects of "wife worship. " To the pseudonymous
originators of these insights, I acknowledge my considerable
debt. While the quoted excerpts remain faithful to the original
postings, some have been slightly altered or paraphrased for rea-
sons of discretion.
Email: markremond(@.yahoo.com
Portons of this book first appeared on my website:

http://wifeworship.tripod.com/home.htm
For my wife
"Marriage is no excuse for not loving."
- Andreas Cappellanus
The Art of Honorable Love, 13th century
"Why should I go out for hamburger

when I can have steak at home?"
-Paul Newman
"Boyfriends need to understand

that if women are worshipped,
the world will be a better place."
- Nicole Kidman
"Ifyou want your wife to be a Goddess,

worship her."
- Clairette de Longvilliers
11 1
Contents
Introduction: Rekindling the Fire I
I Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places 4
2 Making Her Your Fantasy 12
3 Perpetual Courtship 20
4 A Playful Step Beyond 30
5 Pampering and Pitching In 38
6 Daring to Be Known by Her 54
7 Bonus Points: Motivational Magic 68
8 Happy-Ever-Aftering Takes Work 76
Afterword-Advice to Wives:
How Can I Get My Husband to Read This Stuff? 99
v
INTRODUCTION:
REKINDLING THE FIRE
"The thrill is gone. "

It' s the lament of so many married couples. Familiarity and
routine, recriminations and disappointments, take a predictable
toll on happy-every-aftering. Husbands and wives drift apart,
physically and emotionally, or maintain alliances of custom and
convenience, keepers of a flickering flame.
There seems a sad inevitability in all this. Love has its sea-
sons, as John Gray reminds us in Men Are From Mars, Women
Are From Venus. It' s folly to expect eternal springtime, perpet-
ual romance. Most marriage counselors would agree. Divorce
attorneys can be even more pragmatic. They know that once the
cancer of disaffection has spread, the damage is a lmost always
irreversible.
But what if it' s not necessarily true? What if love can be re-
kindled, even the all-consuming passion of first love? And not
rekindled briefly, for just a season, but "ever after," creating that
fairytale future couples dream about w hen saying their vows?
WORSHIPPING YOUR WIFE
That it can happen-and happen to you-is the extravagant

claim of Worshipping Your Wife.
"Courtship was 15 or 16 years ago for my wife and me," one
husband eloquently testified. "I've been able to resmTect those
feelings. It' s about putting my best foot forward all the time,
treating her with respect, love and courtesy. It's about being ob-
sessed with pleasing her, generally giving her to understand that
she will never be taken for granted. In making her the principal
focus of my energy, I have given myself more happiness and
purpose than I could ever have imagined."
The transformations described in Worshipping Your Wife are
real, the ideas workable, as I continue to di scover (and am told
by other couples who have tried them). "What women seek is
total experience in the relationship" was another husband's be-
lated discovery. He elaborated: "Women love to be worshipped,
not just seduced in bed. And why restrict sex to the bedroom?
Why not eroticize the entire relationship?"
Are these prescriptions for men? Yes, and for women to
hand-deliver to the men in their lives, with salty or salient pas-
sages highlighted. Because Worshipping Your Wife is devoid of
psychobabble and replete with what motivates men to get in-
volved romantically in the first place-sex.
Worshipping Your Wife recommends a return to courtship,
that time when a guy and a girl found each other most mysteri-
ous and magnetic. What if your marriage had only a ho-hum
courtship? Worshipping Your Wife will show you how to tum up
the heat the second time around.
Husbands who follow these formulas find a funny and won-
drous thing happening. Not only are they transfo1med, but so are
their mates. Wives, viewed through the radiant prism of adora-
tion, regain the full mystery of their sex. And husbands, by
elevating their wives, find themselves becoming romantically
2
INTRODUCTION: REKINDLING THE FIRE
obsessed again. Marriages, even after years of dormancy , begin

to pulse with a new and potent eroticism.
The dynamics of this passionate reversion are detailed. But
consider this: Courtship and reconciliation are clearly defined
crises in a man's life. He will do anything to win the woman of
his dreams; should he lose her, he will do anything to win her
back. Why, then, is he not willing to do anything, on a daily ba-
sis, to keep her contented? Because husbands don't perceive that
a wife can be lost if never again wooed or won, that marriage is
also a crisis, deserving of extreme efforts. This is not punish-
ment, but reward: His wife is more than worthy of the very best
he can give.
Without fu1ther preamble, here's the entire six-step pro-
gram-for the husband. (The wife's job, obviously, is to
encourage him to ·'get with it" as soon as possible; for some help
on that, see my advice to wives in a brief appendix: "How Can I
Get My Husband to Read This Stuff?")
The husband needs to:
1. Realize that "the thrill is gone" and that he wants to get it
back.
2. Save his sex energies for his wife .
3. Make her his fantasy.
4. Comt her every day, attempt to win her anew.
5. Pamper her and pitch in around the house.
6. Dare to be known by her.
For the details, please read on ...
3
LOOKING FOR LOVE

IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES
Why do so many couples fall out of love? What makes the

passion ebb, the magic vanish?
Could it be the saggy sweatpants, or the shapeless flannel
nightgown? The shaving stubble in the sink, or the makeup resi-
due? The angry outburst, or the silent fault-finding? The shared
bathroom and shared exhaustion? The insidious effect of
familiarity?
Is it, ultimately, the Invasion of the Little People?
Or, cumulatively, all of the above?
And does it even matter, really, why it happens, if it's just
plain inevitable? That, in fact, seems to be the prevailing wis-
dom among therapi sts and counselors. Not only is the ebbing of
passion inevitable, we are told and consoled, but a necessary
evolution. It is merely love' s next phase.
Most love songs and stories, after all, celebrate only love's
initial, incendiary phase. But mutual combustibility cannot be
sustained forever. For a relationship to grow and mature, the
white-hot fire s of passion need to subside, to be banked into a
4
LOOKING FOR LOVE IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES
steady, comforting glow.

Are they right? ls that why passions ebb? Because they must?
The Big Lie

Rather than answer that question, I prefer to ignore it. Be-
cause it' s irrelevant. Because passion doesn 't ebb, magic doesn't
vanish. Sex energies are the fastest in the body, and they don't
go away just because a marriage cools down.
I presume to speak only for husbands now-not all of us, of
course, but enough of us, I suspect, that my generalizations will
prove useful- and embarrassing. Because not many husbands
will willingly admit to the dirty little secret I'm about to betray:
Our fantasy lives continue unabated, but increasingly focused
away from our wives.
"Isn't it amazing how some men who are so romantic before
maniage can become so unromantic afterward?" asks psycholo-
gist Gary Smalley. 1
No, not amazing at all. These are not modern behaviors, but
the products of millions of years of evolutionary engineering.
Down on the most instinctive level, for the male of the species,
"romance" equates to the stalking-hunting phase. The pickup
lines have been updated from caveman days-"clubbing," for
instance , has a very different meaning-but underneath the
trendy trappings, the primal instincts are almost unchanged.
This may sound like cartoon pop psychology, but it' s true.
The successful chase still culminates in capture and impregna-
tion (as far as the evolutionary imperative is concerned). At that
point, the "romance" is complete-for the male. His next big
assignment is to stand at the cave door with his club, ready to
bash away any saber-toothed tigers, rogue males or other wan-
dering predators. Safely back there in the cave, meanwhile, the
female can get on with the messy and mysterious business of
perpetuating the species.
5
And, all the instinctive string-pulling notwithstanding, it is

romantic. It' s the miracle of love- and commitment. As author
George Gilder puts it: " Women manipulate male sexual desire in
order to teach men the long-term cycles of female sexuality and
biology on which civilization is based. " 2
And thank God for that!
Primitive Sitcom
Just how she manipulates this dumb brute, who is interested
only in sex, so she can count on him to stand by while she' s in
labor, is one of the wonders of nature. The problem is, while
he's doing his dutiful guy thing- scanning the bushes for danger
or dinner on the hoof-he's not immune to other stimuli. The
spoor of a passing she-creature, for instance. He can' t help it.
His receptors have to be wide open-which means subject to
hormonal triggers-or he wouldn't be any good out there. So
right in the middle of his stalwart sentry duty, our happy hus-
band and soon-to-be father is prey to random, reproductive
yearnings. Unseemly, but true. Males never outgrow their fanta-
sies, the thrill of the hunt.
"Men," as Dr. Laura informed one of her callers, " are dogs! "
Except it's not their noses that human males follow, but their
eyes. In most cases, our libido is triggered by visual stimuli
(with other senses ready to kick in). Men are verbally abused for
looking at all women as sex objects. It' s true, of course, but
we're supposed to! It' s in our DNA, our sealed genetic orders. In
the lingo of Star Trek, you could call it our Prime Directive: Go
forth and seek out all females of nubile appearance, with hips
ample for gestation and childbirth, breasts ripe for lactation and
suckling.
Neanderthal Defense
Guys don 't think of it in those terms, of course, but you get
6
the general idea. Unconsciously, our ideas of female beauty de-

rive from biological specifications. When man the hunter is
culling the female herd, his priorities are neither quality of mind
nor personality.
"Hey," a husband will protest, " if I wasn' t looking at other
women, I' d be dead."
This hallowed Neanderthal defense, while not usually effec-
tive, is again essentially true. In a contemporary social setting, a
roving male eye may be objectionable or intolerable, but it is
biology, not pathology. It's also true that men are constantly
bombarded and manipulated by visual erotica, images of the fe-
male anatomy used to seduce and sell. Not that I expect any
sympathy for our plight. Unlike children, most adult males are
willing victims of this media titillation.
My point is that it is difficult for a husband to keep his fan-
tasy life faithful, to cast his wife in every R- and X-rated movie
in his mind. Just as it' s difficult-and damnably unfair-for his
wife's body to be matched against those of swimsuit models and
centerfold girls, eternally youthful and cosmetically enhanced.
But men do make that comparison, instinctively, compulsively.
But Even Jimmy Carter Did It!

Does real damage to a marriage occur when the husband's
fantasy life strays from his wife? " If your fantasies leave your
mate coming up short, then fantasies may not be helpful to your
relationship," admits family therapist Pat Love .3 "If you are fan-
tasizing about Michele Pfeiffer, you are missing an opportunity
to bond with your partner." Can such erotic diversions cause the
sexual thermostat to tum down at home, the intensity and fre-
quency of intercourse to diminish?
Not necessarily. But increasingly likely- if it leads to sexual
gratification outside of marriage. A Playboy in the office drawer,
or netporn on the browser, may constitute a minor infidelity of
7
the imagination, yet serve to whet the appetite for wifely de-
lights. But damage does occur if the stimulation leads only to
auto-eroticism rather than passionate conjugal love-making. To
masturbation instead of marital combustion.
Definitely not good! It' s not a matter of morals here, but what
works to strengthen a marriage, and what doesn't.
Too often, of course, mental or emotional infidelity can lead
to real infidelity-or to chronic masturbation, solo and secretive,
which can rob a marriage of its binding energies.
The Jerkov Compulsion

No, masturbation won't induce blindness or sprout hair on the
palms. The consensus among health professionals is that self-
gratification is not only harmless, but healthful-particularly for
hormone-crazed teenagers. But a husband who indulges in this
little unshared pleasure may start to feel increasingly defensive
and quruTelsome toward his wife and not even know why. Sub-
consciously, at least, he may realize that he is cheating the
marriage, siphoning fuel from the combustion chambers. That all
those energies are owed to his wife. That lust and loyalty should
be united, not separated.
"Many is the time I wondered why my husband didn't feel
like sex, only to realize later that he had probably already had it,
with himself!"-One wife's complaint
Am I exaggerating the problem-or its prevalence?
I don't think so!
Masturbation is by all accounts the most common human
sexual practice, and statistical trendlines on frequency of male
masturbation tend to be off the charts. Apparently it's even
popular on honeymoons. "Ninety-nine percent of men of all ages
masturbate regularly," claims sex educator and counselor Sue
4
Johanson, "and the other one percent are liars."
In Donald Margulies' Pulitzer Prize-winning comedy, Dinner
8
LOOKING FOR LOVE IN ALL THE WRO. G PLACES
With Friends, two husbands, discussing sex and marriage, have

5
the following exchange:
TOM: "I must've masturbated more than any man in history."

GABE: " I doubt that."
At the performance I attended, this detonated raucous laugh-

ter from the men in the audience. Did women in the audience
wonder at this explosive reaction from their husbands or boy-
friends?
I laughed , too. But not as nervously as I might have done just
a few years back.
That' s when I began to sense something gone slightly south
in my own marriage. Not a crisis- at least I hoped not-but a
definite drop-off. A decline in passion and in frequency of love-
making. My sexual fantasy life was no longer riveted on my
wife. Worse, not only had I entertained vagrant erotic fantasies,
but-excuse me for getting personal-I had masturbated to
them, while too often neglecting the erotic prize at home.
Okay, that' s as embarrassing and confessional as I'm going to
get. But there's a reason for doing so.
Was l unfaithful? Technically, perhaps, no. But as far as the
spi rit of the marriage vows I had pledged, yes. No contest. I was
guilty . I had strayed. The gulfl sensed opening between my wife
and me- including the actual sleeping distance between us-
was of my ovm making.
And with that shaming, seismic realization, I did see a real
crisis looming. A crisis which precipitated immediate action, or
the need therefor. I had to do something.
Marriage Vows Revisited

I made a vow-a marriage vow: From that moment on, to
keep my self only for her. But what exactly did that mean? I
9
couldn 't quarantine erotic thoughts of others. Sorry, not possible,

as I damn well knew. But, I told myself, I could prevent diver-
sion of my sexual energy away from our marriage bed. Which
meant no masturbation. No orgasm-without my wife's partici-
pation.
Ever. Period.
Let lust and love be rejoined.
Noble and admirable sentiments, you will agree. One small
problem arose at this point, however. For most males, masturba-
tion is a lifelong habit (I seem to be avoiding the word "vice"),
which starts in early adolescence and usually just continues-
right on to senescence. And right through most (or too many)
marriages. And so it was for me. Which puts it right up there
with other addictive or compulsive behaviors-smoking, drink-
ing, maybe even breathing. What made me think I could go cold
turkey? At the very least, I thought, I would require a twelve-
step program, a support group. At the most, divine intervention.
But try as I might, I couldn't quite rationalize myself out of
my resolve. Because I passionately wanted to do this. Because I
loved my wife and wanted to be in love with her again, head
over heels. Because I'd somehow lost my way and wanted things
to be as they had been- heck, even better than they'd been.
And because I sensed, if only I would do this, if only I could
do it, it could be the catalyst for recapturing the magic in our
marriage. For turning up the thermostat, heating up the marriage
bed. For recapturing honeymoon fever, returning my wife to her
rightful place as Eve to my Adam- my seductress, my enchant-
ress, my wife.
Making her my fantasy.
How this actually happened for me, and how it can happen
for you, is the subject of the next chapter.
10
1
For Better or }or Best, HarperPaperbacks, 1982, p. 20.
2
Men and i'vlaniage, Pelican Publishing Co ., 1992, p . 13.
3
:\urhor of The Tmth Abo11t Love, Plwne/ Penguin Books, 2001; cited in Los An-
geles Times srory, Dec. 24, 2001.
4
Q uoted by Jack Boulware, "Sex Educator Says :\Iosr People :\fasturbare," in
Salon Maga!:jne (http:/ /www.salonrnag.com), :\fay 9, 2000.
5
Dinner With F1ie11ds, Dramatists Play Service, 2000, p. r .
11
MAKING HER YOUR FANTASY
An old Playboy cartoon showed a dumpy, middle-aged cou-

ple making love, while overhead, in thought-balloons, their
imaginary partners were also getting it on-a Playmate for him,
Mr. Universe for her.
Does this kind of infidelity of the imagination happen much
to longtime couples? Sure it does.
Is it funny? Sure, the way the whole human comedy is funny.
It's also sad-even if it helps keep the home fires flickering.
To be with one person while conjuring another isn' t exactly
wholehearted, but it is understandable. The look of love, so easy
on the first or second date, can be hard to muster on the thou-
sandth. Time (once past our roaring twenties) is no flatterer, and
familiarity exacts a heavy toll on the erotic imagination. That old
black magic, invoked too often, tends to lose its mojo.
What's the solution?
Recapturing the Magic

How about a real-life Love Potion No. 9, a potent concoction,
which, "on sleeping eyelids laid," could "make or man or
12
woman madly dote"? 1 You would just pour out twin shots for
every jaded husband and wife, have them take two brave gulps,
and then watch them recapture their first-date fascination for
each other.
By now you should know that I believe there is such a mira-
cle elixir of love. And while I can' t exactly give it a name or
bottle it, I can offer a formula.
The first ingredient, as mentioned in the preceding chapter, is
a solemn resolve on the part of the husband to fall back in love
with his wife. Back in love and lust.
Ingredient No. 2, also discussed at some length, is for him to
stop sexually pleasuring himself. (At least for a while, if we're
going to be serious here.)
The third and final ingredient is time. And probably not too
much of it. Abstinence definitely makes the heart grow fonder-
fairly rapidly, in fact-and has a heckuva stimulating effect on
the endocrine system, to boot.
What happens next?
In my case, it was subtle at first. During the day I found my-
self thinking about her. You know, my wife. The girl I married.
The one I slept w ith every night. Thinking about her smile, her
voice, her shape, her warmth- "the trace," as Henry Higgins
remarked wistfully, "of something in the air. " 2
The Hovering Wife

Soon it wasn't so subtle. I began thinking about her a lot.
Daydreaming about her. Tripping out on tactile replays of her
morning embrace, recalling the warm smell of her hair, the salty
taste of her skin. She \Vent, in the words of another song, from
being "gentle on my mind" to being very intrusive. In fact, I was
thinking about her all the time. What I wasn 't thinking about, or
lusting after, were glamourized images of other females. Those
had vaporized.
13
WORSHIPPING YOUR WlFE
No, it was my wife who followed me around, teasing my con-

sciousness and other parts. After several such days, I decided to
tell her what was happening. What I had been doing. What I was
no longer doing. And why I had stopped doing it.
She was truly puzzled by my confession-and its motivation.
She hadn 't suspected that I had been masturbating. She had sim-
ply accepted that things had cooled off between us. Maybe she
thought it inevitable, the way it happens with so many couples.
Or that it was her fault- that she was no longer attractive.
I assured her the problem was with me, not her. I did a lot of
talking, probably too much, trying to explain, for her benefit and
mine, what I thought had gone wrong between us, and how I was
convinced our romantic relationship could go right again. Could,
in fact, be better than ever.
She was not only puzzled now, but skeptical. Clearly, words
weren't going to convince her.
Here is where that third ingredient-time- had to be allowed
to work its gradual magic. It took time for us to grow apart. It
would take more time- yet not as much- for us to come back
together.
I was patient, persistent, attentive. Like a suitor. Tiny ges-
tures, compliments, endearments, all helped to erode her
defenses. Every now and then she'd catch me looking at her in a
special way, a way I hadn't looked at her for a long time . A s if
she was dessert.
The next time we made love, there was more tenderness and
more combustion. And, may I add, the female creature hovering
in my thought-balloon was the same darling girl I was in bed
with.
Love at First Sight-All Over Again

I was back in phase, as I had been when we first discovered
each other, when we made love every night. It felt right. It felt
14
fantastic.
Love and lust together again.
Too simple?
Perhaps. But it worked- for me, and for many other hus-
bands whom I subsequently compared notes with online. (I'll get
to their quotes in a moment.)
Here's my analysis of why it worked:
Men need sexual fantasy. It's the highest-octane fuel they can
burn. They do idealize womanhood. They do empedestal their
girlfriends. To woo and win them (and beat off all competitors).
Once I stopped siphoning off the fuel needed for the marital
combustion chambers, my sexual fantasie s automatically refo-
cused on my wife . She suddenly regained the status she
possessed during courtship--seductress, enchantress. The crea-
ture to be pursued and won, again and again.
Years later, on the Web, I came across this bit of advice, at-
tributed only to a "Clever Wife" :
"Keep him out of his fantasy world, and he will have no other
choice but to join you in the real world ofyour relationship and
all the intimacies he normally can escape from. "
Amen to that.
Think back. Wasn' t there a time when she was your fantasy
figure, the centerfold of your inflamed imagination? Remember
how she appeared then-a creature of infinite mystery, infinitely
desirable? How you behaved in her presence?
Start behaving toward her that way again, treating her with
that same homage, and the deadening scales of familiarity will
dissolve, and you wi ll see her restored to full, feminine glory .
And what if you never saw her ~;j_th adoring eyes? Pretend
you did and do- and you will! Empower her, put her on a pedes-
tal, and she will become the focus of your fantasy life-as she
should be.
15
The Queen Restored

"ffyou want your wife to be a Goddess, worship her. "
The advice of another "mystery woman," Clairette de Long-
villiers-and so true that I made it an epigraph of thi s book.
I say this with such confidence, again, not just because it
happened to me, but because it has happened in exactly the same
way to other husbands who posted enthusiastically on various
Internet forums and newsgroups. Here ' s a sampling:
One confided: "In nine years of marriage, I have never felt so
intimate and fully connected to her. Her look, her words, her
thoughts, remain on my mind all day long."
Another wrote: "I've spent more than my share of time 'net-
surfing in a search for what was really under my nose all the
time, a really great wife for me to worship and honor."
These husbands found themselves becoming romantically ob-
sessed again. Marriages, even after years of dormancy, began to
pulse with a new and potent eroticism. And all these starry-eyed
guys out there were following the same formula-worshipping
their wives.
And, just for good measure, here's the testimony of a wife on
the receiving end of such adoration: "I'm in my fifties and grav-
ity is winning more and more every day. But in the eyes and
mind of my husband, I am beautiful- I am his queen-and he
shows it to me every minute of every day."
These husbands are lucky men, the kind who can' t wait to get
home at the end of the day, with may be a quick stop en route at a
florist or chocolate shop. Who can 't wait to get the little ones
tucked in and safely asleep, or to arrange a getaway weekend a
deux.
The Boomerang Effect

Do they still flick through the Victoria's Secret catalogue on
the way back from the mailbox? Of course. Do they discreetly
16
check out the SI swimsuit issue at the supermarket, or this year' s

bikini crop on the beach? You bet. But such fantasies boomerang
faithfully back to their bedmates. They find it's lots more fun to
play in bed with their wife or girlfriend than with the TV remote.
They start holding hands in the movies and generally behaving
like lovestruck adolescent boys.
Just how is that boomerang effect supposed to work, you
wonder, so that erotic fantasies only refocus you guys back on
your wives?
Good question.
Actually, this benign boomerang effect will occur only if the
husband has begun focusing his fantasy life on his mate. Other-
wise (as discussed in chapter one) he will react to the ceaseless
bombardment of visual erotica like any red-blooded male, which
is to say pretty much like a bird dog scenting a pheasant. Nor
does it take a thong bikini or a Miss March foldout for these
primal instincts to kick in and lead a guy astray. "A glimpse of
stocking," 3 as Cole Porter observed, can do the trick. Or even a
pair of unveiled almond eyes in certain Islamic societies. Sus-
ceptible Adam must be protected from seductive Eve. even if it
requires her to wear a pup tent in public.
But it' s not necessary to quarantine women, or men, in order
to protect the sanctity of man-iage. A man caught up in wife
worship is enwrapped in a wifely aura, a kind of invisible mesh
that protects him from temptation.
But that' s not quite accurate either. Temptation still exists.
The siren song is all around, and male receptors ever atuned to
the pitch. In a recently published study, 98 percent ofresponding
heterosexual men reported having sexual fantasies about some-
one other than a partner during a two-month period. 4 But the
effect, at least in my case, is not the same as it was. I am titil-
lated, but not addlepated; curious, but unforgetful of my marital
bond. A far more potent spell has been cast upon me, polarizing
17
me and rendering lesser spells harmless.

In fact, here is where the boomerang effect kicks in. The
more I am stimulated by a passing fancy, the more I am redi-
rected to thoughts of my wife. I don' t exactly know how this
rewiring or reprogramming happened, but it did, and it's pretty
nifty. I can just appreciate the wondrousness of womanhood
from a safe distance. Let others pursue; I can celebrate with a
passing glance.
Like any guy, of course, I am flattered to be noticed by a
woman, to be perceived as still in the hunt, though I am not. But
I remain happily domesticated, not really wanting to be a part of
the wild bunch in the adjoining woods.
I belong, after all, to her.
Under Her Spell for Keeps

"I no longer fantasize about anyone else," a husband wrote,
"but think only of her constantly. With the pressures of raising
children and of life in general, we had lost that. Glad to have re-
discovered it! She has become everything to me once again, and
in the process is fulfilling my long-held fantasies."
I don't expect my wife to look like a pinup. Nor do I need to
superimpose some improbable alter ego over her familiar flesh
and form, like the jaded couple in the Playboy cartoon. She' s not
in competition with false fantasies, or even earlier versions of
herself- the way she looked, say, on our honeymoon. It would
be mondo bizarro if she did. I want her to look just the way she
does: "Don't imagine you're too familiar, And I don 't see you
.
anymore... I want you just th e way you are. ,,5
As a brief aside, let me say that this is another gift you can
give your wife: Be adoring, be accepting, be the safe haven
where she can be totally and comfortably herself. Because you
accept her j ust the way she is, it's easier for her to accept herself.
This can have a healing effect on her psyche- particularly if
18
she· s dissatisfied with her body or her looks- and proYide a

6
well-deserved boost for her ego.
So a .. faithful fantasy life" is not oxymoronic. It's not even
that hard to achieve. It's right there, waiting for you to discover.
The grass really is greener on this side of the fence.
What happens next? Do you rush home and pounce on your
wife, fueled by your erotic visions? Well, maybe. As a husband
newly converted to wife worship, however, I found myself spun
back to those early, topsy-turvy days when the darling girl was
still unattained.
In fact, those " early days" are becoming a permanent state of
affairs, at least when I'm functioning romantically. After too
many years of taking her for granted, it has dawned on me that
my wife will always remain a prize to be won.
The Next Step

So the next step is courtship. Perpetual courtship. Heart-
galloping, Scope-gargling, can' t-wait-to-get-home courtship.
A wacky , wonderful way to live.
Especially for husbands. Please read on.
1
Shakespeare, ,\ lidsummer Sights Dream, I, 2, 170-1.
2
.-\Ian Jay Lerner, from ".-\ccusromed to Her Face," ,\·!J Fair Lat!J"
3
Cole Porter, " .-\nything Goes."
4
Ors. Hicks and Leitenberg of the C niYersitY o f Yermont,}011ma/ o/Sex Research,
February, 2002; cited in Los Angeles Times srory, Dec. 24, 2001.
5
Billy J oel, "Just the \\;,'ay You .-\re."
6
. \ P[yholo!!J· Tod!!)' survey published in the Slllnmer of 2001 found that 56 per-
cent of women are dissatisfied with their bodies.
19
PERPETUAL COURTSHIP
"He has an extraordinary gift for hope, a romantic readiness

such as I have never found in any other person .... " 1
This description of the Great Gatsby could be applied, with
minor adjustments, to Lancelot or Don Quixote, to Rhett Butler
or Owen Wister's "Virginian." Pick your own romantic hero of
fable , fiction or film. These guys are all fixated on a single, ide-
alized female, their romantic readiness maintained at a fever
pitch.
Unfortunately, their impossible dreams rarely come true.
Obstacles to Love
Blame the storytellers. Whenever things threaten to go
smoothly, you can count on some unforeseen di saster before too
many pages. (Which is why "Obstacles to Love" is one of the
2
most common dramatic situations. ) The reason is obvious. Once
the last dragon is slain and the princess is encastled (and insemi-
nated), the tale is told. There's nothing more to keep the reader,
or listener, spellbound.
New perils must be concocted-the bride abducted, let's say,
20
PERPETUAL COURTSHIP
forcing the hero to saddle up his old warhorse and ride out to the
rescue.
Which brings us right back to Wife Worship-and perpetual
courtship.
If a marriage is to be a compelling and continuing love

story-and that's the goal here-it must obey the same rules.
Romance must be reinvented, with new romantic challenges
thrown in the way of the suitor (lawful husband though he be).
Otherwise his quest is over. The princess is left to languish in
the castle keep, watching Oprah! and wondering where the
magic went. While her conquering mate, stripped of herowork
and shining armor, daydreams of other pursuits (and maybe
other damsels), watching ESPN on the other set.
But: If given the choice, he would prefer to fight again for
her, to be brave for her.
"Man ' s greatest motivating force ," wrote self-help legend
Napoleon Hill, " is his desire to please woman!" 3
And the husband does have the choice; he can get his quest
back. An endless quest, like Quixote's, or Sisyphus', or even
Roadrmmer' s. But futility will not be his reward. If he makes the
right moves, he keeps getting the girl-over and over and over!
In other words, perpetual courtship.
Dynamic vs. Static Marriage

The truth is, perpetual courtship is not an artificial contriv-
ance, a trick fo isted upon credulous husbands. It is an
arrangement in harmony with our own biological natures, male
21
and female.
And even if it wasn't, who cares? It works! What wife can
hold out against continuous, insidious courtship? How can she
not be susceptible?
A husband needs to be up and chasing after his wife, not rest-
ing on his laurels or his Laz-E-Boy. A wife needs to be pursued
and panted after-to have her bloomers charmed off her on a
daily basis.
And, oh by the way, the husband can forget about trading her
in at some later date for a new-model trophy wife. She 's his tro-
phy wife. In perpetuity.
That's the secret of a fairytale marriage, the happy-ever-after
fadeout. It's a marriage in which the courting never stops. As
female-empowerment advocate Fumika Misato observes: "This
is a marriage in which your husband courts you until death do
you prut. ,.4,
Saturday Night Fever

Once the husband accepts this mind-set, he is likely to find
himself back in adolescent mode.
Forty-year-old dads start waxing the family car for the big
date. Gargling and flossing. Pumping rusty iron in the garage.
Sucking in the gut so they can buckle on the old shining armor.
"I find this to be the best time of my life," one long-married
suitor wrote. "I shower her with praise, adoration and my best
efforts to please her."
" I suddenly realize I need to improve myself for her," chimed
in another, "so I'm losing the weight and plan to get in much
better shape for her."
Need I go on? Okay, here's one more giddy testimonial: "Al-
though in my 50's, I seem to be showing all the symptoms of
young love. I've even lost my appetite."
Again, according to Napoleon Hill, there exists no more pow-
22
PERPETUAL COURTSHIP
erful engine for self-improvement than romantic obsession.

(More about this in Chapter 7, "Motivational Magic.")
Size Matters
Grand romantic gestures never go out of style. "Diamonds,"
as the De Beers cartel reminds us, "are forever." Heaven knows,
the wife deserves any luxuries the courting husband can shower
her with-and more.
But most wives expect (or may demand) to be consulted on
extravagances---even if it's for them! That's okay. Small offer-
ings are good, too, and may even outpoint lavish items over
time, especially if such impromptu love tokens become daily
rituals.
" Have little surprises up your sleeve," one well-courted wife
counsels. "These needn't even cost anything. Love notes, treats,
surprise phone calls, a picnic in the park, adoring messages on
her voicemail. An online greeting card."
Her husband's brain, this wife boasted, began spontaneously
percolating amorous ideas, one after another. The trick, she sug-
gests, is for husbands to wake up in the night thinking: "What
can I do for her?" 5
"It's more important to invest time, than money, in pleasing
your queen," is another husband's advice. "Just do something
every day."
Listen Up!
"Listening to my wife is very important," another man ad-
vises. "Sometimes she will make some offhand remark about
what she would like to see or have. I keep a small notepad and
jot it down. Then, when the opportunity arises, I will surprise her
with something that she hasn't necessarily expected."
Such surprises, by the way, count extra-according to court-
ship guidelines I found on a couples bulletin board:
23
"In the world of romance, one single rule applies. Make the
woman happy. Do something she likes, you get a point. Do
something she dislikes, points are subtracted. You don't get any
points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the
game is played."
"Pay attention to what she likes or doesn't like and make an
effort to remember it," I read elsewhere. "Your wife should
never have to tell you her preferences twice. They should be
locked into your memory on first hearing."
Of course, any husband who hasn't been tuning his wife out
will have long since committed such vital data to memory-and
used it to frequent romantic effect.
But, if you are one of those laggards who hasn 't been paying
attention, there's no time like the present. If you don't know all
her clothes sizes and her favorite cosmetics, for heaven's sakes
find out. Put down the sports page and actually begin listening to
that adorable creature you've been sitting across from all these
years.
Then, like any attentive suitor, you can start compiling secret
gift-lists-movies or CDs she ' s mentioned, places she' d like to
go, near or far. You might even start thinking about longer-range
presents and surprises, planning for her next birthday or your
next anniversary. If that's too much mental strain, get a female
friend to help.
But, please bear in mind, taking surreptitious mental notes to
earn gift-giving points is not the main reason you are listening to
her. You listen because she 's the most important person in your
life.
"Find out how she' s really doing," is how one husband puts
it. " Find out if there's anything you can do to make her life eas-
ier. "
This is not something that comes naturally to most males.
And it gets worse. That same husband counsels men to "start
24
PERPETUAL COURTSHIP
sharing your own thoughts and feelings, become mentally and

emotionally available to her. '·
I know. Opening up to anyone, man or beast, and especially
to a female, is a betrayal of rugged masculinity. Can you imag-
ine any of the one-syllable, macho movie heroes "opening up" to
their leading ladies? No, I' m not talking about Alan Alda. I
6
mean Coop, or Duke, or Clint.
So, since this seems to be such an uncomfortable topic, I'll
postpone the discussion until Chapter 6, " Daring to Be Known
by Her."
Until then. men, just listen, don' t confide yet. Believe me,
your wives, when they get over the shock, will welcome the at-
tention and the attentiveness. Don' t overdo it, and, for God's
sakes, don' t fake it. Don' t, for instance, start hanging on her
every utterance with a fixed gaze and a wandering mind. Women
can always tell the genuine article from a knockoff.
"It may take time for this faculty to develop," one devoted
mate cautions. " In my case I just found that more and more of
my attention and interest began to be focused on my wife-what
she was doing each day, on the job and at home, her thoughts
and ideas and opinions. It was a kind of gradual realization that
she holds the keys to my happiness."
Another offers this simple advice: "Give your wife attention,
give her adoration and give her respect. Expect nothing in re-
turn. "
Well , I'm sorry, but I draw the line at that one.
Of course, one hopes for something in return. Let's not get
carried away with se lfless devotion! The knight doesn't slay the
dragon just for the fun of it. Yes, he wants to impress his lady or
his queen with his manly prowess. But why? Surely Lancelot
harbored an impure thought or two, reveries that involved more
than impaling Guinevere's silk scarf with his lance.
There is another reward in hi s mind- a Holy Grail from
25
which every would-be Galahad desires deeply to drink, a Grail

with a very womanly shape.
So now, finally, we're back to sex.
Phase Two: Ceding Control to Her

There' s another phase to Perpetual Courtship, operating at a
deeper level than just buying her flowers and candy.
We 're definitely talking sex now-male courtship behaviors .
Think back to the way it was, in those hormone-crazed years,
when you mustered your courage to ask a girl out, attempting,
with hammering heart, to make the rehearsed phrases sound cas-
ual. Remember stumbling through the long obstacle course of
courtship, with each barrier looming large and formidable, and
with the object of your lustful affections deciding when or if it
was time to move on to the next level of intimacy.
And if it wasn 't that way for you as young man, I' m truly
sorry. It was meant to be.
Ideally, and usually, the courting male is not in the power po-
sition. The female, the courtee, is. She decides, she denies, she
confers, she postpones, she entices-maybe tonight, maybe
manana.
And this is the way it must be again. If you want to light up
that old bonfire again.
The prescription, then, is for the husband to stop playing Lord
of the Manor and go back to playing Ardent Suitor.
We' re back to the Gatsbyesque quality that launched the
chapter-"romantic readiness." This describes a husband who,
like all romantic suitors, strives to earn or seduce ultimate fa-
vors, to divine from each word, look or gesture from the adored
one whether it augurs favor or disfavor. Does she or doesn' t she,
will she or won't she?
Exactly the way it feels during courtship. When the woman
decides if or when it will happen. And the m:m' s readiness is
26
PERPETUAL COURTSHIP
simply assumed.
It is a wonderfully workable formula, attuned to the dynamics
of male and female sexuality. It guarantees maximum sexual
tension and excitement-the elements for rekindling grand ro-
mantic passion.
The fatal mistake is reversing these roles after marriage, di-
minishing the woman's puissance in the bedroom. Robbing her
of both her mystery and majesty.
So? Why not preserve the sexual dynamics of courtship?
Let him be hopeful all day long, but let the wife initiate and
announce the main event ("Gentlemen, start your engines!"). Or
not. Sex will be better and hotter for both- and probably more
frequent.
A Treasonous Proposal?
But, a husband may sputter, isn't that a complete abdication
of... of... well, of a husband's "prerogatives"?
It certainly is! It's a backward step, powerwise, from posses-
sor to suitor. A deliberate one. But it' s also a confident step. The
husband is saying. "You are worthy of my best, my beloved. Let
me prove myself worthy again. Let me show you my love and let
you count the ways. Let me win you anew."
It's also a step i:hat has worked wonders- in my marriage,
and in so many others, to judge from hundreds and hundreds of
testimonials I' ve come across on Internet message boards and
forums, guestbooks and newsgroups. What follows is only a tiny
sampling, all from husbands who freely abdicated the droit de
seigneur and left it to their wives to initiate sex. (After, I'll in-
clude a few wifely comments about this reversion to dating
dynamics.)
" This new turn in our relationship has brought the excitement
and romance back," wrote one guy. "Maybe it's because I never
know what my wife might allow me sexually, like when we
27
were dating. I have to work at it. I would recommend this life-

style to any couple."
Another husband said, "It's like being a schoolkid in love
again."
He continued: "For me it seems very similar to the time when
I was dating and in the early part of my marriage. At that time I
couldn' t be sure of anything-everything was uncertain and ex-
citing. You don't know what future developments will occur.
You want things to happen very badly but aren' t sure if or how
things will develop. "
This one is more explicit: "By promising not to masturbate
and to let her pleasure rule, I have lost that certainty of what will
happen or when. And by being forced to wait, it seems in many
ways like dating-waiting, hoping, ready and willing to attend to
her wishes, but not knowing if I will get what I want or when.
For me it seems to bring back a lot of that old excitement that
seems to have gotten lost."
7
'Wait and Hope, Wait and Hope'
"Giving my wife control of our sex life," another husband
says, "was the smartest thing I ever did. As a guy I'm always
ready. Sometimes she is, sometimes she isn 't. Pressing her to
join in when she wasn 't ready was always a disappointment for
both of us. It can lead into a very negative cycle. When I stand
ready and willing, when she's ready it's awesome."
And finally , more succinctly: "The main thing is to be con-
siderate and be ready when she is, even if you may not really
be."
Still not convinced? Then let's hear from a few wives on the
benefits of being the "initiatrix" :
"Remember when his mind was filled with the thought of you
and you alone (too bad this state doesn't last forever, but that's
how the male mind works), when he jumped through hoops,
28
PERPETUAL COURTSHIP
brought flowers, and acted silly for you? Think back. You were
in charge sexually then, whether you knew it or not."
By simply reasserting that power, this clever wife says she
found her husband reverting to all those old romantic behaviors:
"Jumping at the chance to bring me flowers, to do the house-
hold chores, to go shopping with me, and to sit and talk with me
when I want him to, as long as I want him to. My husband's life
is now healthier and more family-oriented, and I love the way he
makes me feel about myself as a woman."
So, apparently, all those female-pleasing masculine behaviors
don' t expire. They just lie dom1ant somewhere, waiting for the
ri ght trigger-as another wife discovered:
"This is going to be really good for our marriage as his atti-
tude has done a complete turnaround. He is now a joy to be
around- sweet, thoughtful, caring. I 've never been happier!"
Or, as this woman put it, short and sweet: " When the w~fe is
in charge, things go well and love is in the air. "
How about that for a motto to be placed over the entrance to
the bedroom-or, dare I say it, the front door?
On that note, I conclude this brief discussion of perpetual
courtship. However, if you turn the page, you will find a pro-
vocative postscript on the same topic. I call it '·A Playful Step
Beyond" and offer it with a certain hesitancy.
1
F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Catsl?J·, p. 3.
2
Georges Polti, The Thirl)·-Six Dramatic Situatiom.
3
Think a11rl Gro}/) Rich, Fa\\"cett Crest paperback edition, p. 195.
4
See Real \Xfomen Don't Do Housework, http://ladymisato.r35.com.
5
For husbands \\·ho need help, books are aYailable- a shelf-fttll from one author
alo ne (Gregory Godek's Romantic Essentials: H11ndreds q/ 117~·s lo Sho111 1'our Love,
1001 ll70 ·s lo Be Romanik, 10,000 ll?'~s to 51911 Love You, Romantic Dates, The
Lover'; Companion, etc.).
6
r-or younger readers, " Coop." refers to Gary Cooper, ''Duke" to J o hn \X'ayne,
and "Clint," of course, to Clint Eastwood.
7
T he motto of T homas T raddles in Charles Dickens' David Copperjield.
29
A PLAYFUL STEP BEYOND
The "playful" in the title refers to "playful teasing," one of

several ways that a wife, once secure in her role as initiator of
sexual activity, can take the romantic courtship phase even far-
ther-in fact, right into the bedroom.
So far I've been talking to husbands, offering things they can
do to "tum marriage back into passionate courtship." Even the
last chapter was couched in terms of the husband " letting" his
wife initiate sex by "ceding control" to her in order to recreate
the dynamics of courtship.
But the suggestions that fo llow cannot be implemented by the
husband. They require the wife's complicity, indeed, her super-
v1s10n.
So what fo llows is addressed both to husband and wife. My
hope is that, by now, she is reading along, having been shown
the book (perhaps after demanding to know the reasons for her
husband's sudden romantic transformation).
The techniques for bringing courtship into the bedroom, and
into bed, are rationing and teasing. They are intended to be play-
ful, not kinky. Rationing, for instance, does not equate to denial
30
of sex, merely postponing-the wife keeping her mate in a state

of erotic suspense in order to enhance their mutual pleasure.
If that's kinky, so is heavy petting, because that's what it
amounts to. It's ritual courtship behavior, the mating dance per-
formed endlessly and variously by all God' s creatmes to ensure
male fascination with the female and his optimum peformance.
Do Do That Voodoo
Many wives take to this step with relish-those who are not
averse to being manipulative (figuratively and literally). To
quote Furnika Misato · s advice to wives, "To wield erotic power
you must overcome yom own inhibitions to being manipulat-
ive."1
Others may object on principle. When first exposed to some
of Misato's techniques (which are more involved and extensive
than anything mentioned here), one woman's response was cate-
gorical: "I don 't approve." Specifically, she didn' t approve of
using sex in any way that could be construed as controlling her
husband. Sex, she felt, was intended as a gift of love, not a
power trip.
How can one argue with that? This is an entirely understand-
able and loving response.
But what if a husband desires to be "manipulated"-in a
playful way? Wouldn't a wife, in so doing, be conferring a gift
of love? What if, in order to foster the climate of romantic eroti-
cism, he needs to be manipulated? What if the result is a
marriage quickened with a return to the feverish dynamics of
impassioned courtship?
Just a nudge, gentle wives. But let me add, for any willing to
give these ideas a playful spin, such romantic outcomes are not
exceptional; they are the rule.
"Every woman I know who has succeeded in taking charge of
her man's orgasms has been overjoyed with the results," one
31
well-pleased woman wrote. " Their men become more interested

in them, more affectionate, physically and mentally , more polite
and generous, more helpful, better lovers and even sexier!"
Courtship in Milady's Bedchamber

The underlying point is, even when a couple goes to bed,
courtship continues. The husband does not become conqueror;
he remains suitor. Under these playful new rules, "making love"
retains its older, courtly cormotations. Bringing her pleasure be-
comes his primary focus-and his only sure reward. What favors
will she grant him? He does not know. He advances eagerly as
far as she permits, no farther.
All here is at her whim. She may, she may not. She may wish
him to please her again, while she meditates upon his fate. Her
authority in this arena is not questioned. A game isn't really a
game if the outcome is foreknown.
Again, sex is not denied the husband, merely rationed. The
wife controls the frequency of his ejaculations, guided by ex-
perience and experimentation, in order to maintain him in a
healthy state of desire.2 Misato refers to this wifely art as "keep-
ing him on the edge"- too frequent, and he may become sated
and lose interest; too seldom, and he may become frustrated and
rebellious.
The rationing is not an exercise of perverse power, but of
practicality. "I recommend that you place your husband on some
kind of sexual diet," one wife explains, "so that his appetite for
the goodies will peak and keep him wanting more. Use and en-
joy this power-for your benefit and his."
The unknowable outcome plays with the husband 's mind, in-
creasing his excitement. Meanwhile, erotic teasing by his wife-
teasing that need not be confined to the bedroom- also works to
his advantage. He experiences an increase in sexual excitement,
and with an intensity he has probably not known since adoles-
32
cence. Only his game-ending climaxes are reduced.

"My wife likes to kiss me, hug me, get me all excited, then
send me off to work," a husband wTites. "Her feelings and
thoughts and touches remain on my mind all day long, and I just
can' t wait for the day to end so I can see her. Therefore, when
we finally have sex at her choosing, it is such an exciting time
for me."
Clearly, this is a table-turning on the husband, making it im-
possible for him to take his solitary pleasure and roll over,
leaving the wife adrift. But this reversal of sexual dynamics is
not designed as payback, or to fit any feminist agenda. It is pre-
scribed because it works to the erotic advantage of both partners.
Yes, it makes darned sure the wife gets her pleasure first. But
it also extends and intensifies the husband 's pleasure, saving him
from a quick release followed by an even quicker loss of de-
sire- climax and anti-climax:
"It passed like a sudden hurtling-down," 3 one writer describes
this all-too-familiar phenomenon. How much fun is that?
"The mal e orgasm," writes a woman psychologist who advo-
cates what she calls "Loving Female Authority," " is merely a
quick stress reliever that leads to a loss in energy and a letdown
in mental fulfillment." 4
·'Save yourself for her direction," a happy husband advises.
"Your satisfaction will be intensified."
Suggests another: "Relinquishing total control to a loving
trusted spouse provides a base thrill. Not the thrill of taking your
hands off of the steering wheel while going 75 mph, but a thrill
nonetheless."
"Dming our youth and courtship we ' made out' constantly," a
husband recalls, "but we didn 't have the opportunity, because of
time or place, to experience orgasm. Or we hadn ' t reached that
stage yet. And that created a very wonderful and exciting sexual
tension."
33
A sexual tension that far exceeds the short-lived male orgasm

in excitement and intensity.
Male sexuality has one goal in mind-achieving orgasm. The
instant that goal is achieved, the male basically loses all interest
in sex until his reservoirs are refilled. The only way the male can
prolong his sexual pleasure at one particular session is by post-
ponmg orgasm.
But how can he do that with the biological imperative in full
control and millions of sperm strapped in below, waiting for ka-
mikaze launch? That's asking a bit much.
Of course, there's apparently Tantric yoga, whose male prac-
titioners purportedly acquire such glandular mastery that they
are transformed into non-ejaculatory love machines.
But I think we've just left the world of romance, and entered
the sexual Olympics. Besides, there is a simpler way: letting the
wife control her partner's orgasms.
The Manly Art of Womanly Control

" Orgasm has been described as losing control," one thought-
ful husband wrote. " Giving up control to your wife is like having
a sexual encounter that lasts hours or days."
Another husband, who is regularly teased and rationed, ad-
mitted that, " It is a very erotic experience for me. Even at work
she is constantly on my mind."
And wives, even those initially skeptical about the program,
often find they enjoy the playful control- and the teasing of
their men. But, as mentioned, there are additional payoffs:
"Ever just want to talk, take him shopping with you, take
quiet walks together, share special moments, or just hold
hands?" a wife asks. "Now you will have the tools to make it
happen. You control his sexual release and his fantasies; what
else has he got to do? How about a good, old-fashioned necking
session on the couch like when you were teenagers? Kissing
34
games? The list is limited only by your imagination. You may

achieve release anytime by his oral or manual attentions. His re-
lease is at your whim and mercy. It may be as frequent or
infrequent as you desire."
A recipe for husbandly frustration? "This form of control
does deepen the need and instill dependency," one man admits.
But, he adds, he and his wife both revel in the heightened state
of desire thus created:
"My wife plays me like a fiddle. But don't get me wrong. I'm
not protesting, I' m bragging. I'm right where I want to be, in her
clutches, and wouldn' t trade places with any man on earth. I've
discovered that the joy of constant arousal far outweighs the
momentary experience of ejaculation."
Another agreed: ••I' ve been living a continuous emotional or-
gasm that far exceeds the brief sexual tide I experience when I'm
allowed a physical orgasm."
Comments another "teased-and-rationed" husband, "I have
not felt like this since I was a teenager, and was teased by either
the conscious manipulation of the girls I dated or the inconven-
ient circumstances of teenage love. In any event l am confident
that the intensity I feel now for my wife can last a li fetime. "
And another: "Yes, my wife teases me endlessly, yes, she
keeps me wondering when it's going to happen, yes, she has me
by the balls-often literally, since that is one of the many ways
she has of teasing me. As a result, I can't help thinking about her
all the time. And I love it!"
This man's wife offered her own perspective: "Men don't like
to admit it, but they secretly crave our power, and actually thrive
on it. They become better, more productive, nicer people. It' s
society that says men should be in charge in the bedroom and
control women. But reality says otherwise."
An enthusiastic amen is offered by this sexually empowered
wife: "I am in charge of lovemaking. I decide when we do it,
35
how we do it, whether he can penetrate me and whether he can

bring himself to a climax. This might sound very controlling to
you, but in fact my husband says it has given him an aroused
state of being for hours or even days rather than the old regula-
tion ten minutes. And I am certainly enjoying it!"
One Internet couples counselor calling herself simply "Dr.
Ann" described the mutual benefits this way:
"When my female clients add the unce11ainty principle of
arousal and denial to their marriage, a woman can bring her hus-
band back to the days when they were first dating. These
techniques instill uncertainty in the husband as to whether he
will be allowed to complete a sex act with her or not. Husbands
become more focused on their wives and no longer suffer the
frustrating feelings caused by a desire for unattainable women."5
'No' Means 'No'-But Maybe Tomorrow

One husband was expected to orally pleasure his wife on a
nightly basis-and was delighted with the assignment: "There's
nowhere I' d rather be." But his nightly ministrations did not nec-
essarily equate to climax for himself. His wife liked keeping him
on the edge-several nights running, sometimes a week or
longer.
Did he feel victimized, reduced in manly stature? No, he felt
like the "luckiest stiff' he knew, and wrote that his wife had be-
come " like a goddess" to him.6 He rntionalized it thus:
" We guys should learn to take ' no ' for an answer from our
wives. Don't pout about it. Cuddle with her, adore her, worship
her, satisfy her, and accept her control over your sexual release.
And then, when she does decide to make it happen for you, be-
lieve me, it' ll blow your mind! "
1
" Real \\ 'omen D o n't Do H ousework," http:/ / ladyrnisato.t35.com. Besides, as
discussed in Chapter One, without fe male manipulation of male seJ.a1ality, civiliza-
36
tion as we knmv it would not exist! (George Gilder: "\\/omen manipulate male
sexual desire in order to teach men the long-tem1 cycles o f female sexuality and
biology on which ciYilization is based."-.\.1e11 and .\.faniage, Pelican Publishing
Co., l 992. p. 13.)
2
Of course, like any practice, this "playful step" can be taken to unhealthful
extremes (e.g .., husbands being kept locked in chastity dev;ces for extended pe-
riods, o r S\·stematically stimulated and denied). Th.is has nothing to do \\ith
hyper-romantic sex or \Vife-worsh.ip.
3
L'Enfer by H enri Barbusse (1874-1935), quo ted in Col.in Wilson's The Outsider
(Boston: H oughron, :\Iifflin, 1956), p. 11.
4
Elise Sutton's "Lo\mg Female _\ uthoriry," http: / / www.elisesutton.com.
5
"Lo,;ng Female :\ utho rity," http:/ / www.elises utton.com.
6
Th.is husband's react.ion is quite typical, according tO psychologist Sutton: ".\
man who performs oral sen;rude o n a woman and is denied an orgasm \\.ill ex-
perience far greater and longer mental pleasure and fulfillme nt than if he had an
orgasm. There is something hnmot.ic and almost spiritual that occurs when a
man pleasures a woman without expecting an orgasm in return. The taste, smell
and aroma of the female can be intoxicating and the feeling of lo\·e and nurrur-
ing that \\ill flood a man' s soul can be euphoric."
37
PAMPERING AND PITCHING IN
"I tell you, the way she used him was wicked. She had him
waiting on her hand and.foot. "
- female character in John D. MacDonald mystery. 1
"Housework 's the hardest vvork in the world. That 's why men
won't do it. "
2
-Edna Ferber
Is it unmanly to pamper your wife? Is it insulting to a woman,

or infantilizing, to open doors for her when she's perfectly capa-
ble herself? Should a husband stick to gender-specific chores-
washing the car, raking leaves, pounding nails, hauling garbage?
The courtship model makes quick work of these debates: You
can't do enough for her! "Waiting on her hand and foot" is, in
fact, a turn-on to lovestruck suitors-and lovestruck husbands.
Testimony on this is eye-opening, to say the least. Macho guys
giving pedicures?
Absolutely ! "My wife accused me of having a foot fetish,"
said one, "but I told her no, I have a wife fetish."
38
"At first I didn't know what I was doing," said another, "but
in time I got to be damn good at it. Her feet looked like a profes-
sional had done them. And for the guys who say, 'Oh, that must
have been hell'-Wrong! I was in complete heaven."
A less challenging pampering project is the bedtime foot rub.
Or back rub. With the slightest wifely encouragement, these can
easily segue into full body massage and who knows what-all.
"Pampering," obviously, is ripe with erotic possibilities.
Which is why we' ll leave it for dessert and instead begin with
the vegetable course-the other half of this chapter, namely
" Pitching In."
'Irons and Diapers and Brooms, Oh My!'

"Pitching in" is an issue easily framed in terms of equity. In
today's two-income marriages, ought the woman be expected to
tie on an apron the minute she parks her briefcase at the front
door?
Of course not. Yet, typically, that is what happens.
Shouldn't the husband voluntarily tum off the Big Game du
Jour and lend a hand?
Of course he should. Why not let his work-weary wife log a
few hours of her own in the La-Z-Boy with a magazine and a
Merlot?
"It' s time husbands did more than take out the garbage," de-
clares home-cleaning author Jeff Campbell. His books and
website3 promote a system called "Speed Cleaning," where hus-
bands and wives team up on housework. " It's still hard to get
husbands to participate," Campbell notes. "That makes it doubly
hard for women to keep their homes clean."
Australian feminist writer Susan Maushart4 goes farther. In
the English- speaking world, Maushart writes, wives-whether
employed or unemployed- perform 70 to 80 percent of the un-
paid labor within families. She adds: " Wives also contribute I 00
39
percent of the husband care- the myriad tasks of physical and

emotional nurtme that I call ' wifework. '"
"I love my man, I really do," one English housewife told Ms.
Maushart, " but if only he would pick up the sodding hoover! "
No surprise, then, that Fumika Misato calls her wife-
empowering website (with tongue only partially in cheek), " Real
Women Don't Do Housework." 5
So, romance aside, in the interests of simple fairness, hus-
bands ought to haul themselves off their couches en masse,
relinqui sh their remotes and take up their honey-do lists.
Agreed? All right. In that context, the "what's-in-it-for-me"
questions can be addressed: What does "pitching in" have to do
with a return to courtship rituals? And is there likely to be an
erotic payoff?
You' d be surprised.
Ask any man, goes a joke I heard somewhere, and he' ll tell
you a woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.
While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it
appears that most men do not realize that, in this fantasy, one
man is cooking and the other is cleaning.
On an Internet survey one hard-working careerwoman de-
scribed her ideal mate as "Betty Crocker, Martha Stewart and
Suzy Homemaker packaged into a tall, dark, studly, handsome
frame."
Another put it even more plainly: "What I really need is a
wife."
A husband can step up to the plate (as it were) and be that that
helpmeet without endangering his masculinity (even if he dons
an occasional apron). By doing so, in fact, he will be more a man
in her eyes. Yea, verily, he may assume the radiant and transfig-
ured status of champion-her champion.
And, yes, it may pay erotic dividends down the road.
40
Domestic Dragon-Slaying
"Gone are the days when my husband just plops in front of
the TV after work," a wife writes of her reformed couch potato.
"Now he actually looks for opportunities to do household
chores, volunteers to go shopping with me and helps me with
carrying the purchases. All of this does wonders for my self-
image, and allows me to feel , dress and act sexier, which in turn
fuels his 1ust. ,.
Another wife writes: "Once or twice a week my husband goes
around the apartment and quietly scoops up all of the crusty,
knotted No-Nonsense and Hanes Ultra Sheer, rinses them in the
bathroom sink with cold water and a little Woollite, and hangs
them up to drip-dry. When I asked him once- feeling slightly
emban-assed-why he was doing this, he replied, ' I like to do
things for you.' Even after three and a half years, I'm still not
accustomed to this sort of four-star treatment."
"My sweetie enhances my happiness and well-being in so
many ways now," another wife boasts. "This includes doing
dishes, or any other housework that he sees needs doing, so I
don 't have to-and without my asking him to. And I love him
for it!"
Get the picture? The husband is on hands and knees, scrub-
bing the Spanish tile or removing play-dough from the
broadloom, and the wife's heart is going pitter-pat. Not because
of his exposed butt-crack. It 's because he's helping! The big ga-
loot is finally pitching in against the domestic dragons she' s
been battling singlehandedly-ever since the honeymoon. And
probably during.
These are not atypical wifely reactions. The formula is nearly
foolproof. If a husband sets out to make his mate's life easier by
taking on everyday chores, he will have a very pleased and con-
tented mate- after she gets over the initial shock.
It's even been validated by science: Men who do more house-
41
work and child care have better sex lives and happier marriages
than do unhelpful husbands, according to marital researcher Dr.
John Gottman.6
But do we really need a research study to confirm that "being
the sole person in a marriage to clean the toilet and scrub the
floors is definitely not an aphrodisiac"? 7
Another old joke: "What's the sexiest thing a young dad can
do for his wife?" Answer: " The dishes." 8
But aren' t there more traditional, macho ways to win her
heart?
Maybe. If you live in a jungle, with real predators roaming
the back yard, forget the dustrnop, grab the nearest lethal
weapon and go out there and protect your bride. She' ll love you
for it. Or, if you bring home enough bacon from the competitive
jungle, you could hire a large household staff and decree that
your princess bride never lift a finger.
In most neighborhoods and at most income levels, however,
you' ll accumulate more hero points converting "wifework" into
"husbandwork." Just start "picking up"-messes, dry-cleaning,
the kids after school, or after yourself. Or pick up on one of the
thousand routine tasks she does every day to make a home-and
do it yourself.
Wake Up and Smell the Clorox

Problem: Most men don't really know what those thousand
tasks are. They ' ve worked hard , since their swaggering diaper
days, to keep from knowing. As one fictional detective puts it,
9
" It scares me to see the way single guys live."
But men can learn. Well, maybe not all men. Maybe not
bachelors who use empty pizza boxes as room dividers. But
there 's hope for well-motivated married men. If that's you, don't
wait for further inspiration. Check out a book, do a Web search
(Google or Ask.com) on "how to clean a bathroom" or " iron a
42
shirt." Or ask your wife to show you. Start following her around,
watch what she does and how she does it.
Then go thou and do likewise.
You can even try to do it better, if you're motivated by com-
petition. Think of it as a new hobby, like golf or fly-fishing.
Turn it into a macho mania, become a fanatic Mr. Kleen. Show
your wife how you can field-strip and degunk a stove in record
time, standing proudly at attention as she performs the white-
glove test.
And He Can Cook, Too!

Cooking seems to be one domestic duty many husbands actu-
ally enjoy. Not just searing steaks on the barbie, mind you, but
the whole nine yards- meal-planning, preparing, serving (and
cleanup). If you already wear the family chef cap, bravo ! If you
don't cook, however, you should start. Being rescued from the
kitchen ranks high on the wish-list of many a domestically dis-
tressed damsel.
Take a cooking course. Get a cookbook. Ask for her help. As
with other domestic befuddlements, you get points for trying, as
long as you persevere and make incremental improvements.
How about cooking her favorite meal, then serving it ... with
fl owers ... by candlelight? If so, voila! You're into the enchanted
realm of courtship cuisine:
Having dinner waiting when she gets home. Handing her a
glass of wine. Serving and waiting on her. Refilling her glass.
Creating a romantic ambiance with candlelight and soft music.
Listening to her, connecting with her. Then, after dinner, allow-
ing her to relax wi1ile you tidy up.
See what' s happening? " Pitching in"-shopping, cooking,
scrubbing pots-has morphed into "pam pering"- serving her in
style and letting her luxuriate.
That's because pampering and pitching in are a continuum,
43
complementary phases of courtship. Wives seem quite clear on

this- for example, this respondent to an Internet survey: " My
dream husband would do all the laundry, keep the house clean,
drive the kids all over, cook, and at night would pamper me."
The Manly Art of Pampering

"I love to do everything I can to make her life better and she
enjoys these perks," writes a dutiful convert to this lifestyle.
"Cooking, cleaning and all that, or backrubs, full-body mas-
sages, opening doors, brushing her hair (which feels so good)-
the list is way too long of things one can do, and each and every
item is an act of love."
"The more you do, the more you want to do," says another,
" and the more you want to do, the more you discover things you
can do. It just grows."
According to a tabloid report, Dr. Phillip McGraw, the popu-
lar TV psychologist known as "Dr. Phil," caters to his wife's
" most intimate desires." "He loves to run a hot bubble bath for
her," a family friend is quoted as saying, "and while she's bath-
ing, he recites poems and sings songs that he's written for her." 10
Does thi s seem a mite excessive, guys? But what about the af-
ter-work dither you get into (at least I hope you get into) every
Valentine 's day, rushing to the florist, the candy store, the Hall-
mark shop? The goal here is to make every day Valentine ' s.
"I told her that when I got home I'd cook her supper," a hus-
band says. "So I' ve been doing it ever since and have really
started to enjoy my marriage for the first time ever."
" I now take breakfast up to her every morning in bed," writes
another, "and I 'm doing a lot more housework, cooking for her
every night, and I have never been this happy , not ever, and I
mean not ever."
Note, these husbands aren't talking about sex, per se, but a
kind of pervasive, connubial euphoria. This is not the way hus-
44
bands usually feel about marriage. Romantic euphoria is, how-

ever, the characteristic condition of courtship:
All at once am I I Several stories high.

Knowing I'm on the street ·where you live. 11
No wonder these men get a kick out of doing things for their
wives. They ' re "high" on love, performing heroic deeds for their
lady fair:
"I'm always looking for ways to surprise her, from bringing
home flowers or little gifts, to straightening up or polishing her
shoes, or taking her out to a play and dinner."
"I simply love taking care of my wife and doing all I can to
please and tend to her. It seems so natural."
"You know, I really feel sorry for men who don't spend at
least some of their time doing personal pleasure chores for their
wife. "
Maybe the simplest answer to "why'' such giddy behavior has
already been supplied (in the chapter on "Perpetual Courtship"):
"Man· s greatest motivating force is his desire to please
woman!" 12
Cautionary Notes
Awhile back I suggested turning household chores into a
competitive pastime. But I'm having second thoughts. Speed and
efficiency are useful, and striving for excellence in any pursuit is
admirable. Just remember, you're there to make her life easier,
not to drive her to distraction with compulsive tidiness. I recall a
Type A executive who, the day after his retirement, began reor-
ganizing his wife's kitchen cupboards till she couldn't find
anything. You don't need to color code her recipes, re-sort the
pantry shelves by alphabetical item or barcode, or rotate all soup
cans label-out. (Unless she asks, of course.)
45
Just be helpful.
And don't be a one-day wonder. Don' t do thirty things you
never did before on the first day, a typhoon of efficiency, then
slack off next day. Better to do one thing and keep on doing it.
Add things one at a time, if you like. If you want to impress her,
let her count on you.
This applies also to romantic gestures and courtesies. Be
Prince Charming, but don' t make your Cinderella' s grand ball a
one-night stand. You want her happiness to last ever-after. You
don't ever want her to go back to the scullery.
Lair of the She-Creature

Bedroom, bath, boudoir. These Three Bs can be intimidating,
even a little scary. Left to their own proclivities, men dwell in
cave-like dens, "estrogen-free zones," surrounded by toys, tro-
phies and accumulated crud. Like the Seven Dwarfs before
Snow White's home invasion. No meddlesome female to make
them wipe their filthy boots or wash their horny hands.
And yet. ..
Why do men choose to live on intimate terms with the female
of the species? Of course, some men don ' t. But the overwhelm-
ing majority do. Most of us prefer to be the only male in the
domestic equation. We deliberately pair off with a creature
whose cupolas and concavities and household notions are radi-
cally, delightfully, unlike our own. Creatures who cover toilet
lids with crochet and fit bedskirts around boxsprings.
Why do we put up with this? Why do we crave it?
The question fascinates. The opposite sex, what does it
mean-especially in terms of Woman? ls she the primordial
"other half' Socrates spoke of,13 making our romantic quest a
literal longing for "fulfillment"? Or are women "the Other" pos-
ited by some existentialists and philosophers and psychologists,
providing us a constant and delightful friction, on every level?
46
Are they our polar "opposites," as in electromagnetism, whose

attraction overpowers us on an atomic level? Or are we drawn to
them, biologically, as the literal matrix of masculinity, from
which we emerged?
Whatever the rationale, the cosmic puzzle pieces were clearly
designed to fit together this way.
So, don't fight it, don' t try to solve it. Just plunge in!
Behind Closed Doors

Many wives prefer complete privacy in bath and boudoir. If
that' s the case, the loving husband can await her pleasure with-
out.
Other wives, however, may leave the door slightly ajar and
allow their amorous consorts occasional access through the
steamy vapors and perfumed mists. For what purposes, yo u may
wonder.
Well, there are manly guys who draw their wife's bath. Who
shan1poo her hair. Who loofah her skin and even shave her legs.
Who give facials while she luxuriates in the suds. And who are
ready with a warmed, fluffed towel to enfold her as she emerges,
a dripping Venus, from the bath. Who are rewarded with the fur-
ther privilege of drying and powder-puffing her skin, or
massaging it with moisturizing creams. And who, later, lovingly
brush her hair, the traditional hundred strokes.
" ... nice work ifyou can get it,

And ifyou get it, won 't you tell me how? " 14
For these fortunate husbands, all of the above constitutes a

kind of prolonged foreplay, whether or not it leads to actual sex.
But let them tell their stories:
"Pampering, loving, pleasing her in any way possible, is my
favorite way to act."
47
"Let her feel your adoration."

"She lets me cater to her every whim and I love it!"
"Through pampering my wife I am brought close to the center
of the feminine mystery, intoxicated by it, overwhelmed by her."
"A wave of profound happiness rises in me when I worship
my Goddess wife. It is heaven for me."
Feminine Mystery
That's what pampering is all about. It is worshipping your
wife- her body, her feelings, her presence, her- well, all of her.
"Men are fascinated with a woman's body. They want to be a
part of it and to understand it. Often sex is a type of adoration
and respect for woman ... He longs for her to teach him about the
great mystery of woman." )
,-
Robert Louis Stevenson writes of a young male character
"transferred to the feminine department, where his life was little
short of heavenly... an enchanted isle among the storms of
life." 16
And, as I wrote on my website, "Worshipping Your Wife is
not about literal worship (goddess or otherwise), idolatry or any-
thing even remotely sacrilegious. It is about respecting and
17
honoring, revering and protecting, adoring and cherishing."
We 're speaking poetically-the hyperbolic language of
lovestruck suitors. It is through this rose-colored prism we view
the creatures we love. " All women are goddesses," screen god-
dess Nicole Kidman decreed, "even when they' re in the kitchen
making pancakes for their kids. Boyfriends need to understand
that if women are worshiped, the world will be a better place." 18
"When my son started dating," super-agent Judith Regan is
quoted as saying, " I told him the bottom line is to treat a woman
with respect, put her on a pedestal and worship the ground she
walks on." 19
"Adore her by your actions and your words," is how one wor-
48
shipful husband sums it up. "Never miss a chance to tell her how
beautiful she is, how smart she is and how much you cherish her.
When you are in public, let your adoration spill over. Treat her
like a lady at all times. Open doors for her, stand when she en-
ters a room, don't interrupt her and be quick to tell everyone,
anyone, how special she is."
From Suitor to Sycophant?

Are we getting slightly carried away? Advocating a kind of
chivalrous silliness--opening doors and standing when she en-
ters a room? Traditional feminists routinely label such masculine
behavior as infantilizing, even insulting. And many husbands
express contempt for men who behave as does this one:
"It is fun to express my adoration for my wife in the commu-
nity. I open the car door for her always now. That raises a few
eyebrows!"
It's a tricky call. One husband' s silliness may be another's
devotion. Courtly gestures between husband and wife may well
raise eyebrows, but that is not necessarily a bad or a bizarre
thing. What kind of man never opened a door for his beloved, or
never longed to? By-standing wives may be rendered envious,
husbands uncomfortable, realizing what has been lost along the
marital way. Or they may be inspired.
Risking Ridicule
"Catering" to one's wife in public may entail social risk and
require a bit of bravery. But for those pioneers willing to take the
arrows, it also offers a unique opportunity-the chance to join
the vanguard of a new cause, the openly adoring and supportive
husband.
Like this one: "Far from being ashamed of all the things I do
for her around the house, and in the bedroom and boudoir, my
greatest joy and fulfillment is to serve her with all the adoration
49
WORSHIPPING YOUR \VIFE
and respect that she deserves."

Interestingly, there is an entire category of husband who must
deal with this issue today-those who support their wives' ca-
reers. Whether they work full time, part time or all the time as
househusbands, these guys typically earn significantly less than
do their breadwinning wives. Whatever the degree of role-
reversal in their marriages, these husbands- variously labeled
"corporate" or "trailing" spouses- assume many traditional
wifely obligations-e.g., playing supportive spouse at corporate
function s. The job demands of the "leading spouse" determine
their daily schedules, their weekends and vacations, where they
must live or relocate.
It can be a difficult transition, coping with such fundamental
changes. Support groups have been cropping up on the Intemet20
to help corporate spouses and househusbands with role and iden-
tity issues. Browsing through these newsgroups and bulletin
boards, one learns that some husbands evolved into supporting
roles as a result of the vicissitudes of the job market. Others
seem to have adopted it as a kind of prenuptial agreement, often
between young collegians where the young woman ' s career
prospects took clear precedence over her fiance' s.
Being There for Her

Can this kind of non-traditional marriage arrangement work?
Without unearthing statistics, I would hazard to say that, as with
any couple, the chances for success increase where the husband
adopts a worshipful attitude toward his wife. Having the woman
in the power position, after all, recreates the dynamics of court-
ship, where she is pursued and pampered on a daily basis. The
adoring husband will not merely cope with his new role, but em-
brace it. By assuming a greater percentage of domestic duties, he
is given maximum opportunity for romantic endeavor.
There' s abundant testimony to that effect from corporate
50
spouses and househusbands:

"I'm going to go and draw my wife a nice, long hot bath with
rosehip and sandalwood oil. She's spent all evening at the office
and is waiting for my attention. I would rather listen to her day
over sparkling wine than almost anything else in God's world."
Another: "Though it made sense financially and in every way,
I wasn't really sure about doing it, but I wanted to give it a try. It
took me only a few months to realize how much I enjoyed being
her househusband. I was able to keep the house cleaner than it
had ever been, keep her clothes clean and pressed, have her
meals ready on time, run her errands and a host of other duties
and still had time for a round of golf now and then."
"I enjoy waiting on her hand and foot," another wrote, "and I
also enjoy using my creative mind to serve her in new ways."
The tribe of male corporate spouses seems sure to increase,
by all indicators. Young women now dramatically outnumber
men as undergraduates and graduates, with the inevitable result
of increasing numbers of women in professional and corporate
ranks: "Men's enrollment in higher education has declined since
1992. Males now make up just 44 percent of undergraduate stu-
dents nationwide. And federal projections show their share
21
shrinking to as little as 4 2 percent by 2010. "
22
The trend is dramatic, and, as it applies to young males,
worrisome. As one Canadian business writer speculates, "One
wonders where these future high-profile women will find their
mate, in a society where well-off, educated men will be a smaller
minority than they are today. Will female doctors and corporate
lawyers happily settle down with male nurses and mall
clerks?"23
It may be time guidance counselors steered adolescent males
into home-econ classes. In any case, over time, as more hus-
bands accept subordinate roles, the social stigma ought to be
blunted, if not removed. As one young househusband declares:
51
"Is it humiliating to support your wife 's career? I hope not. I ex-
p ect to be doing it for fifty plus years."
AFinal\Vorshipful\Vord
All wives need adoring support, of course, whether upwardly
mobile or domestically devoted, or both. Listen to the passionate
eloquence of yet another worshipful husband, as he makes the
case for "pitching in and pampering" :
"I actually feel privileged to do things for her. Many guys
only dream of being in deeply romantic relationships, while sit-
ting at home alone, night after night. I have the opportunity to
please my goddess wife that most men would die for !"
And thi s final ode to domestic joy: "I feel uplifted by the
mundane acts of service to my wife. They infuse the chores and
demands of my routine life with a meaning they never had be-
fore. It' s my small service to divinity in the flesh."
Amen to that!
1
John D . ;\lacDo nald's Bright Orange.for the Shroud (Fa\vcett Books).
2
Said by a character in Edna Ferber's So Big.
3
Jeff Campell's T he Clean Team, http:/ / \V\V\v.jeffcampbell.com.
4
Susan ;\faushart: IVife1vork: IVhat MaJTiage &alb•.'!\leans for lr''omen (Text Publish-
ing, 2001).
5
"Real \\ 'omen Don'r Do Housework," hrrp: //ladymisato.t3S.com.
6
Research f111dings published by Jo hn Go ttman, Ph.D. in the :\fay/ J une 1994
issue of the Famib· Therap)' Se/Jvorker.
7
Linda S. :\1intle, Ph.D.: "\Ien \\ b o D o House\\·ork Ha\·e Happier :\la rriages,"
on "Dr. Linda Helps," on Ch.risrianiry. Com amp:/ / www.chrisria nity.com).
8
From a mariral suffey published in &ader's Digest, February, 2003, p. 69.
9
Score Turow, Pleading Guill] (Farrar, Straus & Giroux).
10
" l nside Dr. Phil's ;\larriage," 1\atio11al E11quim~ Jul~' 1S, 2003.
11
From :Van Jay Lerner's "On rhe Srreer \\ be re You LiYe," .\ !.;· Fair Lad_;-.
12
:'-Japoleon Hill in Think and Gro1v Rich.
13
In Plato's S)'ntpos1im1.
1+ Ira Gershwin, ">:ice \\ 'o rk If You Can Ger It. "
52
15
"Is '\\life Worship' Code for a 'Femdom' ::.Iarriage?"
hrrp: / / wifeworship. tripod.com/ femdom.htm.
16
Robert Louis Stevenson's Ne1JJ Arabian Nights ("Story of the Bandbox").
17
"Is '\\life \\iorship' Code for a 'Femdom' ::.Iarriage?"
http: / /wifeworship.tripod.com/ femdom.htm
18
Quoted in ~\-eJJJ York Dai(J ,\'e/lls, _\pril 30, 2003.
19
Quoted on the ''\\iomen's \Vi.re" website, http: / / www.women.com.
20
_-\ few examples: Spouses Trailing Under Duress Successfully,
http: / /\V'.vw.studsoflondon.com; _\ssociation of Househusbands
http: / / \v\vw.uominicasalinghi.it/ index.asp; "\t Home Dad,
http: //www.angelfire.com/ zine2/ athomedad/ index.blog; Trailing Spouses,
http: //trailing-spouses.blogspot.com.
21
"The :'dale ;\Iinority," Time Magazjne, Saturday, Dec. 2, 2000.
22
:\lso see: "Look \v'ho' s Bringing Home .\fore Bacon," Business Week, J anuary
27, 2003; ''\v'omen Rising in Corporate Ranks," Washington Post, ~ ovember 19,
2002; ''\'Vb.y Women Should Rule the World," Fortune, October 28, 2002; "l\fost
Powerful \\/omen in Business: Trophy Husbands," Fo1tune, September 27, 2002;
''\\/omen Dominating Medical Schools," BBC News, July 3, 2002; "Look \\/ho's
Barefoot in the Kitchen," BusinessJJJeek Online, September 17, 2001 .
23
"Here's a Shock for Women," Toronto Globe and Mail, October 14, 2002.
53
DARING TO BE KNOWN BY HER
When asked how she and husband Steve Lawrence had

stayed together so long, singer Eydie Gorme once gave the fol-
lowing advice:
"Always keep it light, never talk about anything serious!"
For couples who don't sing Jove duets, this is not a recipe for
long-term marital bliss. But it does touch a nerve: Most men
aren' t comfortable discussing intimate or emotional issues-
including sexual fantasies. According to radio talk show host
and syndicated columnist Dennis Prager, "When it comes to
men's specific desires, they are usually too embarrassed or
afraid to say." 1
Is it really necessary for husbands to leave their non-verbal
comfort zone? Why can 't the wives watch Oprah ! and gush over
touchy-feely issues while husbands watch the "game" and com-
municate through monosyllables and simple gestures?
The non-verbal status quo is fine- unless the husband wants
to rekindle the fires of romance, which, of course, is what I
hearti ly advocate. So my advice to husbands is: Find the "Power
Off' button on the remote, get off the couch and start courting
54
your wife. Which, for starters, means talking and listening to

her. Courtship is an exciting zone for the male animal, but, at
least for husbands, it is not a comfort zone.
That's okay. The path of least resistance is not always the
best way to go. In fact, the path of greatest resistance is more
likely the best way. This was codified by mystery novelist John
D. MacDonald into Meyer's Law: "In all emotional conflicts, the
thing you find hardest to do is the thing you should do."2 So, if
you find " inter-spousal communication" difficult, take it as a
reliable indicator that you're on the right path.
But maybe it wasn't always so difficult. Guys, think back to
your dating days. Perhaps you've forgotten how much, in those
first, feverish encounters, conversation fueled romance. Yes,
primitive signals, body language and other forms of nonverbal
communication do make up a significant part of the mating
dance. But words are still required to make the emotional con-
nection, to elevate the he-she encounter to the realm of romance.
Even whales, apparently, croon love songs.
When Silence Isn't Golden

Eloquence is especially required when indifference has
drifted you and your spouse apart. Passionate speech is called for
to begin bridging that kind of emotional gulf. It's okay to take
your bride for richer or for poorer, but not to take her for
granted.
This is not easy for most men. That is why I made this Step
Six. After the reawakening suitor has realized he wants to get
back the thrill, committed himself to save his sex energies for his
wife, to make her his fantasy, to court her every day, attempt to
win her anew, and to pamper her and pitch in around the house.
The good news is, with marriage returning to the pulse-
quickening courtship model, there should be plenty to talk about.
The more a husband's thoughts-and fantasies-tum to his wife
55
during the day, the more he will have to share with her at night
(or other private times).
Warning: You Are Entering a Touchy-Feely Zone

Okay, I admit it. This sounds dangerously like daytime-TV
shrink talk, or the headline teasers on all those supermarket-
checkout magazine covers: "Take Our Relationship Quiz," "Five
Things He Won 't Tell You (But Wishes You Knew) ," yadda
yadda yadda. Fumika Misato calls her website on empowering
wives, " Real Women Don't Do Housework." Well, let me spin
that: Real Men Don't Do Relationship Talk-and they tend to
suspect the masculinity of men w ho do (unless, like Dr. Phil,
they can do it with a bit of swagger).
I used to be of the Steve-and-Eydie. " keep it light" school.
Whenever my wife suggested we talk about '·us;' or anything
that threatened emotional intimacy, I got that deer-in-the-
headlights look. A lot of guys, I think, have a phobia in regard to
this treacherous conversational terrain. One step and we' re up to
our ears in emotional quicksand, with no escape.
But emotional eloquence isn 't called for here. Or even articu-
lateness. Passion is what is needed, and passion carries its own
eloquence. When I rediscovered the glorious creature who by
some miracle had marri ed me, there were suddenly lots of things
I wanted to tell her- simple things, even trite things.
Three Little Words and a Zillion Variations

So lay it out there, tell her how much you desire her. If articu-
lation falters, stammer it out. In fact, too much eloquence may
arouse suspicion, while inarticulate passion is famous ly persua-
sive. "Speak for yourself, John Alden," remains good advice for
the tongue-ti ed suitor. Never hire a wordsmith to plight your
troth. And don't worry if your awkward avowal lacks originality,
or tends toward Hallmarkian sentiment. True love may be trite,
56
but it's never out of date, even after a zillion song lyrics.
Some husbands find it easier to communicate their amorous
feelings electronically than face-to-face. "I often express my
love to her through emails and instant messaging," confesses
one, "writing and sending little daily love notes."
That' ll work.
If it doesn't, never fear. There 's an even easier way to start
the communication cycle--easier than stammering out your lust.
Start by letting her talk to you.
Communication 101: You Are Not Alone

I seldom initiate any form of communication with my friends
or family members-a gender and character flaw. My wife, on
the other hand, keeps in regular touch with the people who mean
the most to her, friends and family. I read somewhere that most
men require only about an hour of conversation each week,
while women typically require fifteen hours.
So why not become one of those people your wife communi-
cates with on a regular basis?
The trick is, you have to actually li sten to her. You can't
wander off or tune out when she starts talking. You have to give
her your undivided attention (not a factory-equipped feature
available on most males, so you'll have to work at it).
One husband writes: "I find that listening attentively to her
made the biggest change in our relationship." Who would have
thunk it?
"Talking releases a rush of dopamine and oxycotin (the 're-
ward' and ' bonding' neurochemicals) in a woman' s brain,"
explains Louann Brizendine, M.D., author of The Female Brain
and a neuropsychiatrist at the University of California at San
Francisco. " It' s the biggest neurological reward a woman can get
besides an orgasm." 3
Again to quote Prager: "One woman I interviewed said that to
57
feel loved she would like her husband to take her hands in his,
look into her eyes, and ask her what is on her mind and what is
going on in her life. Most men-including this writer-would
never think of that on their own."
"Women generally want men ' to just know' without having
to be told," Prager adds. "But the vast majority of men do not
'just know.' We rarely have a clue. That is why women often
think of their man as 'clueless.' But cluelessness in this area is
not a male fault; it is a male trait."4
Learning to 'Lissen Up'

When it came to li stening to my wife, I was a textbook case
of clueless husbandry . Whenever she sta1ted to tel l me some-
thing, I sta1ted eyeballing for the nearest exit. When she tried to
give me instructions on something she wanted done, I started
fidgeting, as if my superior intellect was somehow insulted by
her detailed explanation.
Then, more often than not, I would go off and instantly forget
what she' d just carefully explained, or some essential part of it.
Fact was, I had only been half-listening, impatient to get back to
whatever I had been doing, or thinking of doing.
Not exactly a charming trait in a spouse. What she'd been try-
ing to tell me got lost in the interpersonal void. But what I was
" telling" her came through loud and clear. I was communicating
that I could not find time for her.
When I began to embrace the ideas presented in this book, I
realized that this kind of inattentiveness was no longer accept-
able. But it was not easy to change this cavalier listening
technique, even after I started empedestaling her, and pampering
her, and making her No. 1 in my life and thoughts. More often
than not, I still tuned her out!
Which is why I'm starting to think thi s may be the hardest
husbandly behavior to change. It was for me . I' m like a peren-
58
nial twelve-stepper taking it one day at a time. What progress I

have made has come from the realization that none of the rest of
the program matters unless this part is addressed.
I mean, really, how can you worship your wife if you won' t
even stop and listen to her? If you can' t turn down the volume of
your own thoughts and preoccupations long enough for her voice
to get through to you?
Let Yourself Be Interrupted

Now when my wife speaks, even offhandedly, a little bell
rings, reminding me, "This is not background noise, this is the
woman you love and adore." Especially if she speaks in a tone
that signals she really needs my attention, I stop-whatever I' m
doing. If I' m standing, I often sit down, to concentrate on what
she' s saying.
If this seems a bit extreme, remember, I' m trying to alter life-
long habits, and it's not easy.
And, anyway, isn't this the kind of attention that your mate
deserves? Isn't it the kind of "empathic listening" that Steven
Covey advocates in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People 5?
Most important, isn't this the way you listen to someone you're
madly in love with?
The Way You Were--or Should Have Been

Remember courtship? When nothing was more exciting than
being with her, doting on her every word? That kind of romantic
intimacy, as I keep repeating, can be recaptured. It can happen
right over the dinner table, even with the kids present. A shared
look, a brief touch, a loving gesture. You know, the kind of stuff
you see couples doing in restaurants over tiny candelit tables.
Listening to your wife on a regular basis speaks volumes. It
says: " I love you, I care about you--even more than I care about
the score of Monday Night Football."
59
If You Can Fake Sincerity, You've Got It Made

Caution: Don't overdo it, especially after years of not listen-
ing. '·Don' t stare into her eyes and drift off in a daze," a wife
counsels. "We can tell when your eyes glaze over." Since you
can't fake it, you might as well go for the real deal- and then sit
back and enjoy it.
"My wife has stayed late at the office," one wife -worshipping
husband posted to a like-minded friend , "and is waiting for my
attention. And I can't wait to get her silky robe, put on her soft
music and just listen to her day over chocolate and sparkling
wine."
She may wish to unburden her anxieties or share her vulner-
abilities. If so, she will definitely appreciate any encouraging
words-offering to help her stay on her diet c·n1 go on it with
you") or work-out schedule ("Maybe we could work out to-
gether?").
The more you invite, the more she'll open up to you.
"Intimacy does not mean sex alone," a wise husband once
said. " You can be intimate without a touch. Think of her, con-
nect in your heart, fall in love with her, understand what she
feels, before you connect physically."
Maybe like this: "We sat on the bed and talked for nearly two
hours. I massaged her feet the entire time. She loves our quiet
time so much. Today I opened up and told her something very
personal to show her I trust her deeply. She opened up and told
me something, too. We really enjoyed each other' s company,
and she loves the foot massage. I am really trying to satisfy her,
not just physically, but on an emotional level, too, as well as do-
ing more household chores. I am so happy to see her this happy.
I don' t know why all men don't do this. "
A testimonial, by the way, that combines several of the
"courtship" steps besides '·being known by her." Namely, pam-
60
DARJNG TO BE KNOWN BY HER
pering and pitching in. Before opening himself emotionally, this

husband prepared the ground by doing housework, and mas-
saged his wife's feet during their "quiet time. " Of course, he
could have ignored the housework, ignored his wife, then won-
dered why the magic had gone out of his marriage.
Your Turn to Talk

When you are connecting, emotionally, mentally, just listen-
ing won't be enough. You will want to give voice to your
feelings . Let her know how much and how often you desire her.
Granted, if you've been doing the stuff we've talked about in
previous chapters-giving her presents and pampering and help-
ing out around the house, and looking dreamy-eyed- your wife
already knows how you feel. But why not say it? Tell her how
hopelessly in love you are with her, how much you think about
her during the day. By now, she should have ample reason to
believe it.
61
One wife-worshipping husband said that the simplest com-

munication, and one that he shares with his wife often, is
precisely that- he tells her just how much desires her, how often
he thinks about her, how proud he is to be hers.
Am I counseling mature married guys to start gushing 1ike
lovestruck kids? Absolutely. There's no expiration date on pas-
sion. Listen to the effect of such a romantic confessional on a
wife married forty-five years:
"He began by talking about what brought us together in the
first place, and what it was that used to make us feel so good and
special about each other. This was a real awakening for me and
reinforced the importance of being intimate every day. The re-
sults have been astonishing! Hugs and kisses as he or I came and
went are now back in place and our sex life has never been like
it is today. We can hardly wait to be alone together." 6
Confidantes and Confessors

Why not make your wife your confidante, if not your confes-
sor? To paraphrase Fumika Misato, Don't be afraid to let your
wife know the extent of her power over you. Don't try to be the
"strong, silent type" when it comes to your devotion to her.
"Consider a true and honest confession of your feelings to
your wife," Misato continues. "Express yourself without reserva-
tion. Don ' t be afraid to let your wife know how powerful she is.
Her primary goal is to get your attention, and all that entails. Let
her know that she has it. And she will be impressed, even
7
touched, by your honesty."
Isn 't that risky, you may ask, handing over that much power
to your wife? Of course. But aren't risk and vulnerability part of
the thrill of original courtship? Singles who prefer "hooking up"
for impersonal sex while playing it cool all the way, need not
apply.
I' m not advocating dredging up miscellaneous misdeeds from
62
the past. I' m talking about "confessing" the way a suitor con-
fesses hi s adoration, on bended knee with throbbing pulse. This
is the essence of "Being Known by Her." To use an old-timey
phrase, you want her to "know your heart."
For me, the throes of conjugal sex tend to trigger impromptu,
lovestricken confessions. The most impassioned avowals sud-
denly populate my brain-mostly unoriginal, even trite. I used to
suppress these, trying to maintain at least a semblance of manly
reserve, knowing my blurted words might sound embarrassing
afterward.
I no longer do that-muzzle myself-for all the reasons dis-
cussed above. These days, during the final crescendos of
passion, I am more likely to let myself go-verbally as well as
seminally. My wife has heard me stutter out empurpled phrases
like, "I'm so lucky to be married to you. " Or: "You are my
queen. " Or: "I love you, I love you, I love you. " Or: "I want to
belong to you completely. " Not a few times I have reverted to
simply repeating her name over and over and over, mantra-like.
Extremely Ullffiacho behavior, no? Am I embarrassed after-
ward, in the cooling aftermath of white-hot passion? Yes, a little.
James Bond wouldn't gush like that. Nor, in an earlier genera-
tion, would Gary Cooper or John Wayne. And yet, I'm not the
strong, silent, muy macho type . I do want to belong to her com-
pletely, etc. , etc., and I want her to know it, to know me. What I
have given voice to really are the innermost secrets of my
heart- things I want to share with my beloved.
Are there other secret matters suitable for uxorious confes-
sion? Stay tuned.
A Personal Example
In Chapter 2, " Making Her Your Fantasy," I cited a confes-
sion that I made to my wife-that I had been secretly
masturbating to erotic and pornographic images all during our
63
marriage, that I had now realized this was a kind of betrayal of

our marriage, and that I was no longer going to do it. From that
time forward, I vowed, my sexual gratification would come only
with her participation.
This confession, if you recall, was not so much shocking to
my wife as puzzling: "She hadn't suspected that I had been mas-
turbating. She had simply accepted that things had cooled off
between us. " But, despite this confusion over what I was saying,
my emotionally charged delivery got through, clearly conveying
to her that I wanted to make a new start between us, t~ rekindle
our romance.
Was thi s a necessary confession? In my view, yes, because I
had been disloyal, and sneaky, withholding part of my sexual
being from her. If nothing else, this constituted a communication
break with my wife. By removing this barrier, I reestablished
communication between us and felt immediately closer to her.
The Ultimate Intimacy

Perhaps the ultimate intimacy is to be known totally, and ac-
cepted, by the one you love. Obviously, this requires full
disclosure by the party wanting acceptance, something akin to
walking a high-wire without a net. Rare courage is required,
since there is no guarantee of acceptance from the loved one-
and the real possibility of rejection.
Especially since many of us harbor a conviction that we are
not really worthy of being loved. In consequence, there are
things about us we withhold even from those we love-or espe-
cially from them. If she really knew what I was like, she
wouldn 't love me.
Somerset Maugham once \Vrote, '·If I set down every action
in my life and every thought that has crossed my mind, the world
would consider me a monster of depravity." 8 (Maugham actually
prefaced that little confession by saying, "I do not think l am any
64
better or worse than most people."

But to live authentically, and with real intimacy, you need to
"get naked" psychologically with the one you adore. Opening up
to her in this way will strengthen emotional and sexual bonding.
Lovey-Dovey Diaries
A family friend of Dr. Phillip McGraw, the popular TV psy-
chologist, said that "Phil told me that one of [his and his wife
Robin's] biggest secrets is writing personal diaries and sharing
them with each other weeks and months later. They do it as a
way to open the floodgates of communication. " 9
Another couple writes each other monthly letters of devotion,
reminding each other how they feel. The intimate exchange pre-
cedes a special monthly date. The wife comments, "I really like
the letters, they keep a great fire going."
Elise Sutton, a psychologist who advocates marriages gov-
erned by what she calls "Loving Female Authority,"
recommends that a husband keep a journal where he can record
his thoughts. This, Sutton believes, "can spark romance and a
deeper, more intimate love."
She employs this in her own marriage, with highly beneficial
results: "We communicate wonderfully verbally but there are
thoughts that he puts in his journal that he does not easily com-
municate to me with the spoken word. Creativity can spring
forth and from that can come heart-felt letters, poetry and other
expressions of the man's romantic feelings." 10
As mentioned earlier, e-mails have become another useful
channel of romantic communication between husbands and
wives. Whether your wife is at home or work, you can always
leave a love note for her in cyberspace.
Monitoring the Floodgates

Should you tell your spouse everything? Isn't that what "get-
65
ting naked" psychologically is all about? I back away from mak-

ing such a categorical pronouncement, invoking a blanket
disclaimer, along the lines of that old legal standby, "State laws
differ; your case may vary." It has to be an individual call.
Do you catalogue for your wife all past indiscretions or your
darkest secret sexual fantasies? Reveal what you really think of
her relatives or her taste in interior decorating? Let me just say
that l would counsel a certain caution.
Pillow-Talk Confessional
Somewhat safer ground is underfoot, I think, when the wife
conducts the confessional, and asks for such intimate revela-
tions, assuring the husband in advance that whatever he offers
will be accepted in a loving spirit and not stored away as infor-
mation for later use or even possible retaliation.
Fumika Misato counsels a wife to initiate an intimate conver-
sation in bed every night, often with sexual contact, in order to
create intimacy and get her husband used to revealing himself to
her- especially his emotional life. "Get him in the habit," Mi-
sato advises, "of telling you everything, every day." The goal,
again, is for the husband "to be known" by his wife-and in this
find acceptance. 11
Psychologist Elise Sutton also prescribes regular intimate ses-
sions, with gentle interrogation by the wife of her husband's
fantasies, to break down his defenses: " Keep encouraging him to
open up more. You will come to understand him more than you
ever thought was possible. By doing this you should feel much
closer to him and the two of you should have bonded together in
12
a deeper and more intimate way ."
Another writer in this area agrees: " Men are generally very
closed and secretive, particularly where their emotions are con-
cerned. Most men would rather brave death than admit their
weaknesses and failures even, especially, to their wives ...
66
"If the wife has very particular expectations of her husband,

new behaviors that she will require that are specific to her own
personal situation, then this is the time to bring them up. This
conversation will represent an extremely intimate and sexually
powerful moment in the evolution of the relationship, and it is
the best of all times to secure long-term behavioral shifts that
will improve the marriage over time. For example, a wife could
choose this occasion to ask her husband to stop smoking, lose
weight or exercise more often. " 13
But we're getting a little ahead of ourselves here . Behavior
modification will be dealt with in Chapter 7, "Bonus Points: Mo-
tivational Magic."
1 D ennis Prager:"_\ ~ ew Year's Re solution for a Better \larriage," D ec. 23,
2003 (Creators Syndicate).

2 John 0 . .\lacDonald, Pale Grqy far Guilt. ~feyer is T ra\-iS ~kGee's brainy, hairy
sidekick.)
3
Q uoted in "\V'ife Support" by Kendall Bryan in \ IS:\"'s "Lifestyle: \ Ien,''
http:// men.msn.com/ articlebl.aspx?cp-documentid= 5013463&G T1 =10219.
:\lso see: Or. Brizendine's home page, http:/ / www.louannbrizendine.com.
4 Dennis Prager,".\ :\"ew Year's Resolution for a Better \larriage."
; The answer to this rhetorical question is, of course, "yes." Covey devotes an
entire chapter to the "Principles of Empathic Listening,'' in connection with
Habit 5 ("First Seek to U nderstand").
6 Quoted by Dr. Sco tt H altzman in Secrets ofMm7ied Alen.
7 Fumika Misato's Real Women D on't Do Housework,
http:/ / www.ladymisato.bravehost.com.
8 \'('. Somerset .:\laugham in The Summing Up.
9 " Inside Dr. Phil's \ larri.age,'' ;·Yationa/ E nquirer.July 15, 2003.
10 Elise Sutton' s website, Loving Female Authority, http:/ / www.elisesutton.com.
11 Real \'('omen Don't Do Housework, http: //www.ladymisato.bravehost.com .
12 Lo\-ing Female :\uthoriry, http:/ / w\vw.elisesurton.com.
13 K en .\ddison: Around H er finger. Venus Publishing, 2004, p. 96.
67
BONUS POINTS:
MOTIVATIONAL MAGIC
Need to lose weight? Lower cholesterol and blood pressure?

Add muscle mass? Stop smoking?
Solution: Fall in love.
There 's no more powerful motivational tool than striving to
impress the object of one's affection. Guys (and girls) will do
almost anything-quit smoking, lose weight, muscle up, buckle
down-in order to be more desirable in the eyes of their chosen
beholder.
Guess what? This motivational magic, which so typically
vanishe s after the honeymoon, miraculously returns (and en-
dures) in a "courtship maniage."
The magic works, and works fast- without the usual twelve
steps. I leave it to the human potential gurus to label the psycho-
mechanics involved. But creative visualization is ce1tainly one
of the motivational techniques at work here, according to many
husbands who have described what fue ls their renewed regi-
mens:
68
BONUS POINTS: MOTIVATIONAL MAGIC
For Her Eyes Only

"I remembered the way my wife used to ogle my naked body
back when we started dating," one writes, "and I imagined her
doing that again, and how I would have to look to make it hap-
pen."
The husband in question began doing daily pushups, situps
and, even more vital, pushbacks from the table in order to turn
himself back into his wife ' s favorite "eye-candy." It was a spe-
cial gift of himself that he wanted to give her.
This links back to the knightly quest discussed in Chapter 3.
Traditional courtship, at least in the Western world, seems to
follow the age-old conventions of courtly love.
The knight's quest may be futile, like Quixote' s for his
dreamed-of Dulcinea, or even doomed, like Jay Gatsby' s for the
unworthy Daisy Buchanan. But their strivings are no less heroic,
which is clearly why Cervantes and Fitzgerald found them wor-
thy of literary memorial.
"No man is happy or complete," wrote Napoleon Hill, "with-
out the modifying influence of the right woman. The man who
does not recognize this truth deprives himself of the power
which has done more to help men achieve success than all other
1
forces combined."
Husbands Speak
The most persuasive testimony, for me, comes from less fa-
mous folk- a selection of husbands deliberately stuck in
courtship mode. Their postings, culled from newsgroups and
message-boards, not only boast of how each has been motivated
by the wife-worship lifestyle, but speculate (with often surpris-
ing eloquence) on why:
"I think it is part of male genetics to want to be brave for the
ones we love. Powerful hormones course through our systems,
and we are ready to give our all to serve and defend these beauti-
69
ful , nurturing, challenging, life-giving, playful, wondrous

women."
Courtship Calisthenics
Giving "our all" for our "wondrous women" may not require
hand-to-hand combat with barbarian hordes or jungle predators.
The "powerful hormones" work equally well in helping a hus-
band confront more mundane challenges :
" Since we began our 'comtship maITiage' several years ago,"
writes one devoted spouse, "I have lost over twenty-five pounds
and kept it off. I've lowered both my cholesterol and Body Mass
Index."
Clearly , sex energy fueled this transformation: "One advan-
tage of losing the weight was that my wife started looking at me
as a sex object. She was looking at my body, with its improved
muscle tone, and getting aroused. The more I saw this hungry
look in her eyes, the more I wanted to work out and watch what I
ate."
"I 've been exercising like a fiend since thi s staited," another
husband repo1ts proudly , "and in only two months my chest and
biceps are looking really good and I'm envisioning six-pack abs
for the first time in my life. "
Order Today and Get These

Ginsu Knives as a Bonus
If this is sounding like a Wife Worship infomercial, better
brace yourself for another testimonial:
"I'm quitting smoking as much for my wife as myself. I find
it much easier to be my better self for her sake than for my own,
and she is delighted that I am about to become a more kissable
husband."
Now it 's my turn to brag. In Chapter Two I mentioned how a
return to courtship allowed me to break a decades-long habit of
70
masturbation. Granted, a better test would have been to accom-

plish this when I was 17 or 18, with Category 5 hurricane
hormones raging through me, rather than in my mid-40s. Still, it
was a pretty dramatic change. And a "permanent" one (nine
years and counting).
Courting my wife on a daily basis has also helped me lose
weight. And, wouldn' t you know it, every time I forget the
courtship model, the weight goes right back on. Makes sense,
doesn't it? When my wife is relegated to the common status of
domestic fixture (rather than domestic goddess), why should I
strive to be more wo1thy of her?
"So many guys let themselves go after marriage," a husband
points out. "If you want her to keep on wanting you, why not
keep yourself slim and trim, the way you were when she fell for
you?"
Weight-loss, smoking- and wanking-cessation. What else?
N ame it and wife-worshipping husbands have achieved it:
"I've cut down on my television watching since I began
working to pamper my queen and free her of so many household
chores. In fact, I dug out my forgotten collection of Mozart CDs.
Now I listen to them while ironing and doing dishes. If it wasn't
for serving my queen, I 'd still be watching TV like a slob-and
not listening to Mozart."
Losing Your Grip

Not a few husbands mention handing over the remote to their
wives as a big-deal behavioral modification. And it is a big deal.
Watching TV with my wife, I often find myself with a death-
grip on the button-studded contraption. Like NRA card-carriers,
most of us guys will give up our remotes only if they are pried
out of our "cold dead hands."
Other husbands astound their mates by completing long-
neglected home-improvement projects, or--even more impres-
71
sive- self-improvement projects. Waistlines are tti mmed along

with overgrown hedges, hygiene is improved, wardrobes spruced
up, toothpaste tubes squeezed the way she prefers.
Want more radical examples? Cooking classes are taken by
husbands wanting to treat their wives to romantic dinners; the
arts of Swedish massage and French-tip manicures and even
pedicures are studied and mastered by those eager to upgrade
their wife-pampering skills.
Euphoria That Endures

How long, you may ask, do such well-intentioned makeover
campaigns really last? After the initial euphoric lift-off, don' t
they crash and burn, or just peter out, like the typical New
Year·s Resolution? Haven' t we all seen the detritus of our good
intentions gathering cobwebs in our garages-Stai1masters and
Nordic tracks, barbells and treadmills?
Obviously, the motivation for se lf-improvement needs to be
sustained over time, just like the flame of passion. But that's the
whole thesis of this book (and specifically of the next chapter)-
that the "all-consuming passion of first love" is not doomed to
ebb away, but can be rekindled, again and again.
With passion comes motivation. And, once again, courtship
marriage is the miraculous engine that makes everything go.
Except now it ' s about time for the wife to lend a hand.
Wife as Personal Trainer

Remember the section on "Ceding Control to Her" (in Chap-
ter 3, .. Perpetual Courtship")? The Suitor Husband makes an
ultra-chivalrous gesture, relinquishing all conj ugal rights and
leaving it entirely up to his wife when, how or ifhe is to be sexu-
ally rewarded. Implicit in this gesture is the requirement that he
once again compete for her ultimate favors.
And, voila, the excitement of courtship is back in play .
72
Chapter 4, "A Playful Step Beyond," takes it a bit farther-

with seemingly addlepated husbands agreeing (and some even
asking) to be sexually teased, and then denied, by their wives.
These guys, I am informed (not having lived this life myself),
are crazy nuts about their wives, 24/7.
Is this a bad thing? On the contrary say Ken and Emily Addi-
son, who practice and proselytize such a sexually charged
marriage. They put it this way: "A man is happiest when
wrapped around the finger of the woman he loves. " 2
This may sound a bit kinky, granted. But lest we forget, teas-
ing and denial (or sexual rationing) are hallmarks of courtship--
at least traditional courtship (before the era of the casual
hookup).
In my bygone era, after heavy petting sessions young guys
fully expected to be sent home with inflamed thoughts and swol-
len glands. And it was fun, even if the drive home was a mite
uncomfortable.
Okay, fun and frustrating. And highly motivating. "She's got
you wrapped around her finger," or "whipped," or "eating out of
her hand," or "by the balls" (blue or otherwise)- all the cliches
applied. Or, to cite another chestnut, we were ready to jump
through any number of hoops in hopes of gaining that ultimate
prize.
Is that any way to live? You bet, say those who've tried it.
Not only a wonderful way to live, but to make major changes.
Marital Makeovers
" My wife put me on a radical new diet and on an exercise re-
gime and in three months I've been radically remade," claims
one husband. " I'm healthier and happier than ever before. And
she' s happier with me! "
Such transformations are routine once the wife is calling the
sexual shots. Can't change a spouse, you say? Nonsense, say
73
these wives. They may have married for better or for worse, but
no way they're accepting a substandard status quo. Not only do
these women hint at the positive changes they 'd like to see in
their hubbies, they make detailed lists, set deadlines and issue
ultimatums.
A husband writes that he and hi s wife set a goal for him to
lose two pounds a week. If he meets the target, he is given re-
lease. If he falls short, he must wait another week-and the two-
pound goal is reset from the present weight. The method, he re-
ports, "is remarkably effective."
Why shouldn't it be? Love may make the world go round, but
sex energy powers the pistons. And a wife who dares harness her
husband's sex energy to her own purposes can drive him wher-
ever she pleases.
·'Being the queen gives me new ways to motivate my hus-
band," a newly empowered wife confides in her blog. " We are
currently working on his longtime pornography addiction. Also,
l have started prioritizing his time. He tends to drift from one
chore to the next, seldom completing anything and fee ling guilty
as a re sult. Now, if he has done what I asked him to do, he gets a
sense of accomplishment. This has really renewed our sex life.
The downside is we aren't getting as much sleep as we used to."
"I look forward to each of my rigorous exercise sessions,"
notes an analytical husband, "even as I intell ectually understand
that I am being the subject of an overt use of Skinnerian operant
conditioning; deliberately associating doing housework for my
wife with sexual arousal. However, I am a willing experimental
subj ect."
Other husbands wTite that their wives not only tease and deny
them, but employ an impressive array of behavior-modification
techniques. These include having the men write affirmations,
repeat wife-pleasing mantras or listen to seductive spousal mes-
sages on mp3 players.
74
Sticks and Carrots, Gold Stars and Demerits

In addition to positive incentives like sexual gratification, of
course, a husband can be motivated by negative ones. Shortcom-
ings may be punished by denial not only of sexual release, but of
traditional male pastimes (like watching televised sports, going
out with the boys or surfing the Internet). Or a wife may grant
her husband specific privileges only as reward for agreed-upon
behavior.
There are even wife-worshippers who accept regular wifely
correction by such traditional Victorian methods as paddling,
being ordered to write remorseful lines or sentences, or spending
time in the comer.
But at this point I draw a line and step safely back, rather than
take the Motivational Magic of wife worship beyond the pur-
poses of this book and into the terra exotica of what has been
called "wifed om." 3 Other intrepid couples may proceed on, and
godspeed, but I choose to remain on more familiar domestic ter-
rain.
Whatever the motivational method selected, or incentive of-
fered, the underlying message seems to be simply this, as
expressed by one thoughtful wife to another:
"Men need focus and objectives and a positive routine. Set-
ting specific goals, objectives, rules and standards are good for
you and for him."
1
Think and Grow Rich, p. I 96.
2
Around Her Finger by Ken and Emily Addison, Venus Publishing.
3
I believe the tenn was coined by Fumika Misato for her "Real Women Don't
Do Housework" website, http://ladymisato.t35.com.
75
HAPPY-EVER-AFTERJNG
TAKES WORK
In case you missed it, the staITy-eyed thesis of this book is

that the all-consuming passion of first love can be rekindled.
And rekindled not briefly or for just a season, but ever after, cre-
ating that fairytale future couples dream about when saying their
vows.
To support this, I have salted in glowing testimonials, mostly
from wife-worshipping husbands. Like this one: "We both feel
like we're dating again, but dating someone whom we've known
and loved for 20 years."
More quotes, in every chapter, testify to the effectiveness of
each step in the wife-worship campaign, '·Making Her Your
Fantasy," " Pampering and Pitching In," etc.
I admit there's a euphoric tone in all these testimonials.
Reminiscent, perhaps, of the exaggerated claims in weight-loss
ads and infomercials that trumpet premature success. Sober
questions remain:
Can a mature man really keep up the intensity of a hormone-
addled young suitor? While coping with the day-to-day pres-
76
HAPPY-EVER-AFTERING TAKES WORK
sures and demands of life, work, family , etc.? What happens to

all those romantic resolves after the second honeymoon phase
wears off?
These are fair questions. Not only skeptics, but enthusiastic
converts raise such doubts. For example:
"We've been doing this [wife worship] for about two months
and it's been incredibly intense, creating major positive changes
in our marriage. But I'm unsure where this will lead or how long
it will last."
Time will judge. Marriages, like all best-laid plans, "gang aft
agley," as a Scottish poet famously wrote.
The Unworshipped Wife

The magic can go out of any marriage, if not invoked on a
daily basis. The husband tires of the courtship rituals, opts for
televised sports over helping around the house, leaves his stub-
ble unshaven and the toilet seat unlowered, and somehow forgets
all those romantic gestures, little and large, that let his wife
know how wonderfully special she is to him.
Conclusion: The courtship is over.
The wife finds her pedestal has been moved out to the garage
with other surplus furniture. Overnight she ' s gone from queen
back to commoner. Maybe that old Neil Diamond lament starts
running through her head:
"You don't bring me flowers anymore."
The wife-worship motto, "If you want your wife to be a god-
dess, worship her," is true. But so is the unfortunate corollary:
"If you don't want your wife to be a goddess, don 't worship
her."
Failure is easy, success hard, no matter the pursuit. Like the
chapter title says, happy-ever-aftering takes work, hard work.
Maintenance of the passionate courtship marriage requires con-
sistent application of the Six Steps, day after day after day. The
77
longer they 're fo llowed, the longer and happier the ever-aftering.
But here' s the good news: If fa ithfully followed, these best-
laid plans don 't oft go awry. And, as usual, I've marshaled anec-
dotal evidence to back my position.
Abiding E uphoria
Into the w itness box I now summon a handful of happy hus-
bands, all of whom claim to have worshipped their wives over a
span of years:
No. 1: "£ ven today, ajier 21 years of marriage, when I'm
m-vay on business, we speak on the phone whenever possible,
several times a day. But it 's no substitute for being with her. .,
No. 2: "I've been worshipping my w[fe and love for over 25
years. From the beginning of our marriage I felt like I was born
to be with her and see her pleased. Our relationship today is like
we just got married. "
No. 3: "We have been married 26 years and never argue be-
cause I feel I exist to serve her needs and make her happy, and
in so doing I cater to her wishes. I have been married ve1y hap-
pily all that time to a very wonde1:ful woman and have never
taken it /or granted. "
No. 4 : "I've been married for 27 years and my focus contin-
ues to be on my .fantastic wife, and it always will be. Her
abundant charms keep me joyfully faithful to her. When I do my
chores around the house, run to get something from the store for
her or make love to her just the way she likes it. I become more
and more consumed with my love for her. Pleasing her is what
gives me pleasure, and when my wife is happy, I'm happy. "
And finally, our marathon courtship winner, o. 5: ''/met my
future wife in college. From our very first date she demanded my
worship of her, and I gave it gladly. In fact, I worship this
woman more and more every day, and we have now been mar-
ried 3 7 years. If I had to do ii over again, I would. "
78
HAPPY-EVER-AFTERJNG TAKES WORK
Do two or three decades of wedded bliss qualify as living

happily ever after? Ya think?
" Wife worship marriages," in the considered words of one
empedestaled wife, "are like fine wine, they only improve with
age."
Reconcilable Differences
Did these five happy hubbies follow my Six Steps? Pretty
much, I 'd wager, though each likely had his own concept of
what constitutes wife worship on a daily basis.
I' d also bet that, in addition to the positive courtship behav-
iors described in my Six Steps, there was one negative practice
all these husbands scrupulously avoided. Husband No. 3 states
this explicitly:
"[We] never argue."
How' s that, you ask? Doesn' t everybody argue? Don't cou-
ples especially? Too right, as the Aussies say. Couples argue
about all manner of things, trivial and consequential. They say
unforgivable things to each other--or, sometimes worse, they
withhold their grievances, stockpiling them for later and more
lethal use.
This kind of chronic and unresolved conflict between hus-
band and wife makes for unhappy-ever-aftering. Or it leads to
loveless unions and abbreviated marriages, via separation or di-
vorce court.
There' s no way to avoid everyday conflicts and collisions of
temperament. But there is a way to resolve them so they don 't
turn into irreconcilable differences, and to resolve them to the
benefit of both parties-and of the marriage.
The method really works. As one husband testifies, "I'm find-
ing that a very practical aspect of the wife worship experience is
that it brings about greater peace in the home, which makes it
worthwhile for that reason alone. "
79
The Secret of Domestic Tranquility

I' ve heard of marriage counselors who advocate "creative ar-
guing:' I haven' t bothered to investigate these techniques, so my
skepticism regarding them is presumptive. But wouldn't you
think, for smooth matrimonial sailing, you'd want to avoid nasty
weather and rough seas, not steer into them ?
I work at avoiding conflict in my marriage, or resolving it
quickly when it does rear its ugly head. Insult-trading and griev-
ance-dumping I leave to TV sitcoms. Of course, the comedy
writers usually tack on last-minute reso lutions, having the ver-
bally abusive pair smooch and make up (e.g. , Ralph and Alice
Kramden in The Honeymooners).
In real-life marriages, happy endings are not so easily con-
trived, and the wounds inflicted in domestic skirmishes do not
heal so quickly. There's more credibility in the orchestrated
shoutfests on those Jerry Springer-type shows where verbal
combatants come to blows and have to be pulled apart by the
host-referee. or dragged offstage still kicking and screaming.
So how do you resolve domestic conflicts without fighting (or
"creative arguing")? By wimping out to your mate? Is that what
wife-worship advocates? Unilateral surrender in the battle of the
sexes?
I'm not promoting domestic peace at any price, or for hus-
band to turn into Caspar Milquetoasts. 1 Let me frame the issue in
different terms and call on some more wife-worshipful husbands
to come to the defense of their own manhood.
80
Caspar Milquotoast from N. Y. Sun, 1924.
Would You Rather Be Happy or Right?

"My wife and I used to have a lot of fights stemming from
disagreements," one guy writes, "because I always felt the need
to be right. I gave up on that in the interests of harmony. If we
do have a blowup, I make it a point to initiate the makeup. This
is not easy, as it involves a conscious and continuing effort to
sublimate my ego and desire to win."
Here's another husband 's variation on that conciliatory
theme: "If we had arguments, the central issue would get lost in
my effort to get the last word. I have given up on that. It was too
toxic. I no longer mind that she is so often right. I can deal with
it-happily, in fact. Our relationship has vastly improved as a
result."
These guys aren't being wimpy, they're being knightly. As
one husband puts it, "I try to prove myself worthy of her every
single day, and to inject romance, too."
81
In Chapter 3, "Perpetual Com1ship," the case was made for

the husband yielding up his conjugal rights and reverting to the
ever-hopeful uncertainty of the ardent suitor. The same sort of
courtship dynamic is at work here. On a feverish first date, aren' t
you more inclined to be conciliatory than contentious, to go out
of your way to avoid disputes?
Why, then, if you seek to win your wife's favor on a daily ba-
sis, shouldn 't you always be on your best behavior? Shouldn't
you be more invested in winning her affection than an argu-
ment?
This husband definitely thinks so: "I'd say the biggest differ-
ence in handling disputes is I' m much quicker to back off, even
if I ' know' I' m right. And I've learned that nine times out of ten
when I'm sure I' m right, I' m not."
We might even codify this into a Seventh Step: "When your
wife wins, you win." If you insist on calling it capitulation, how
about "romantic capitulation"? Whatever you call it, it's defi-
nitely win-win.
The Battle Is With Yourself, Not Your Beloved

Knightly behavior-whether slaying dragons or just being
chivalrous- isn't easy. It's a daily struggle requiring daily re-
solve, as this husband attests: "As a creative and devoted
husband, I take pride in courting my wife 's favor with renewed
vigor every day."
According to the first of the five husbands in the list earlier,
"This involves a conscious and continuing effort to sublimate
my ego and desire to win." Harder done than said. Guys don 't
like to give in, or admit we' re not right about something. We ' d
rather drive the Great Circle Route to any destination than stop
and ask directions, especially if our wives suggest we do so.
Here 's a manly amen from another husband struggling with
his machismo: "I think there is a natural male tendency to argue
82
things out, to defend one' s position, win at all costs, etc. For
guys, these battles are just the way the game is played. It has
been a long and very rewarding path to get away from that."
For a man not to fight for his own point of view with all the
weapons at hand takes remarkable inner resolve. But, because to
yield ground to any rival, let alone to the female of the species,
runs counter to all his instincts, resolve alone will not suffice.
Daily struggle is required.
In other words, saying " Yes, dear" may be the opposite of be-
ing a wimp or a wuss. It takes real cojones.
As for being "whipped," more about that in a moment.
A House Unequally Divided

It' s not a betrayal of masculine honor to yield to your be-
loved. It is, rather, a confirmation of that honor, in the same way
that a knight bows his head and bends his knee to receive his
lady ' s colors before battle.
All my life I've heard men, all kinds of men, testify that the
secret of a happy marriage is contained in two simple words-
"Y es, Dear." Some of these admissions were cloaked in self-
deprecating jokes, or whispered asides, but, beneath the macho
jocularity, an undertone of sincerity was always discernible.
So the "yes, dear" happy-marriage formula is hardly radical.
It comes as no revelation that wives control 5 1 percent (or more)
of the voting stock in most successful marriages. Comedian and
social commentator Bill Cosby puts it thus: "Let us now set forth
one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in
2
charge. "
Statistics Confirm What We Already Knew

Anyone who doubts this "fundamental truth" and demands to
see supporting statistical data, can Google the much-publicized
2007 study by Iowa State University, 3 which clearly shows
83
women as the dominant deciders in most female-male relation-

ships.
Fortunately for husbands, thi s ascendant wife power is a very
benign thing, equating to more harmonious couples. So, at least,
says lead study author and ISU psychologist, David Vogel.
Other behavioral research tends to support these findings, lead-
ing to the conclusion that a marker of a healthy marriage may be
how well men accept influence from their wives.
I've been gathering my own supporting survey data: "I have
found that not bickering is a refreshing way to live," a happy
husband writes. "It' s about deferring to her. I've really tried to
stop arguing about inconsequential things, w hich seem to be 99
percent of all arguments."
From Wife-Worship to Wife-Led

In the last several years I have noticed an increasing number
of websites and organizations dedicated to a new type of female
empowerment -not to be confused with "female domination" or
" female supremacy. " In fact, the proponents of this new empow-
erment generally dismiss the world of "femdom," with its
bizarre rituals and iconography, as a kind of male-oriented fan-
tasy-land, in which women are ultimately devalued.
This new web-based movement has coalesced under several
names, but with a common philosophy and mission statement-
namely that, for the benefit of both sexes, women should take
the leading role in male-female relationships. For search-engine
purposes, the two most common names for this new female em-
powerment are LFA, Loving Female Authority, and FLR, for
female-led relationships. (WLM, for wife-led marriage, a subset
of FLR, is also seen.)
Thi s is coming a long way from the stereotypical roost-ruler
with his "yes, dear" wife . But the kind of "wife knows best" role
reversal advocated in LFA and FLR is not founded in the anti-
84
chauvinist rhetoric of radical feminism- "lt' s our turn to wear

the pants!"-but in the simple realization (and acceptance by
men) that women really are better fitted to call the shots in mar-
riages and family life.
The new LF A/FLR rationale is very much in keeping with the
academic study results above, and in keeping with the goals of
this book-greater marital harmony and enduring romance.
A New Model for Modern Marriage?

For a man to acknowledge Loving Female Authority as a
gui ding principle in his life, or to accept that his marriage works
better as a Wife Led Relationship, really should not be a giant
leap for a man, or mankind. The Iowa State survey merely slaps
an academic seal of approval on the way many, if not most, good
marriages have been operating all along.
For years, the 50-50 marriage has been held up as the ideal,
with an equally shared decision-making process. But what
seems, in theory, an equitable and workable formula is too often
in practice a recipe for perpetual confrontation and stalemate.
Somebody has to be the tie-breaker. And the preponderant
statistical and anecdotal evidence indicates that wives not only
should vote 51 percent in domestic partnerships, but already are
doing so. Millions of husbands know well whose word is final,
and it' s not theirs. So why not acknowledge it openly in society?
Why not drop the patriarchal pretense and codify female-led re-
lationships as a useful and desirable working marriage model?
Loving Their Leaders

More and more husbands are openly embracing Loving Fe-
male Authority and Female Led Relationships, and are happy to
tell about it. I pass along a few of their confidings:
"I am working at making it my place to defer to her on all
matters. In this way, I no longer have to be the expert or the au-
85
thority, which, in that past, probably caused friction between

us-and often about matters which were rather trivial. To show
complete respect for her and devotion to her is strengthening our
marriage on a daily basis."
Another husband 's forthright take: " Once my wife makes the
final call, that ends the debate, period. From that point on, we're
together. She knows she's got my full support and that I'll do
everything I can to make her decision work. If it develops she
was in fact wrong-and yes, it can happen-she knows I will
not say I told you so or even hint at it."
And another: "Since we started down the FLR path, our opin-
ions on things have gotten closer and closer. Since I think of
what my wife would want me to do whenever I am making deci-
sions on my own, the choices I make are very close to what she
would want me to do anyway."
This husband adds: " There has only been one recent occasion
when I argued relentlessly for a course of action she didn't want
to take . In that case, I all of a sudden caught my self and just shut
it down, and said ' Okay, we' ll do it your way,' and everything
worked out fine , like it usually does."
Life in a Heavenly Queendom

Here·s one wife's pragmatic reaction to thi s new female-first
state of affairs: "We have found a way to make our marriage
work for both of us without all the power struggles that most
couples go through."
Another wife revels in her elevated status: "My husband
would rather serve in this heaven than go back to the way we
were. And this is a slice of heaven for me, too. Only a woman in
a female-led relationship can know the satisfaction that comes
with the elimination of domestic contention and argument, of
having a man who tries as hard to please now as he did during
the courting days."
86
The "serving in heaven" phrase derives from poet John Mil-

ton's famous description of Lucifer's (or Satan's) defiant
declaration that it is "better to reign in Hell than serve in
Heaven." 4 And, certainly, many a hellish marriage enshrines the
man as supreme and unquestioned commander.
But what about the contention, all but conceded a few para-
graphs ago, that female-led husbands may be fairly described as
"whipped" (i.e., "pussywhipped")?
My favorite response to that charge came in a teen-oriented
movie about girl gymnasts. 5 One teen-aged guy turns on his
buddy, who is being ordered around by a cute and archly asser-
tive gymnast, with this ultimate putdown: "Dude, you are so
whipped!" His friend's comeback is a simple, guileless question:
" What's wrong with that--ever?"
The just-quoted John Milton seems to rhapsodize on the
pussywhipped state as well: "How wouldst thou insult I When I
must live uxorious to thy will in perfect thralldom!"6
I should allow the immortal poet the last word on the subject,
but I can't resist this dollop of non-literary eloquence from an-
other worshipful husband: "There is no more bickering or
arguing in our home. I've simply accepted the fact that my wife
is the queen of our home, and I am much happier because of it."
FLR Theory in Daily Practice

At some point during my own long and fitful pursuit of wife
worship, I stopped arguing with my wife. Not all at once, and
not without occasional blowups or fits of masculine pique, but
gradually I began accepting what we had both known for
years-that things work out better when we do them her way.
More and more, as already mentioned by another husband, I
have come to share her opinions on all manner of things, and,
yes, sometimes she has come to share mine. When a disagree-
ment surfaces on a contemplated course of action- not
87
something trivial, but of some import- I will take time to try on

her idea. More often than not, I find it suits me, and the family,
better than my own.
And so it becomes my own.
Are all wives better decision-makers than their spouses? Of
course not. Yet it just so happens that, among the couples we
socialize with, I can't think of a single husband who I would say
exercises better j udgment than his wife. The reverse, however, is
comically common. As for those female-led husbands who con-
fide online, they acknowledge, almost without exception, their
reliance on their wives' wisdom and superior judgment on issues
affecting every area of li fe-marriage, fami ly, community m-
volvement, religion, finances, career.
In my maniage it is and always has been thus.
If, however, I still feel strongly about my view, I will argue
on its behalf, trying to persuade her. Sometimes I succeed. More
often, when she explains all the factors she weighed in reaching
her opinion or decision, it is I who am persuaded.
And if not? Do I continue to argue my point? Or do I go
along reluctantly, even pouting? Or do we simply agree to dis-
agree? None of the above. I come over to her side and embrace
her decision without reservation.
Not, I insist, because I am spineless, though I do admit to be-
ing conflict averse. I used to argue a lot, in the early days of our
marriage, but arguing just never worked for me. When my tem-
per sputtered out, I' d realize I'd been an insensitive jerk. Later
on I' d find myself admitting, first to myself. then to her, that I'd
been wrong, as well.
Eventually I made a resolve to stop doing that. Like other
wife-led husbands cited here, I made the wholehearted commit-
ment that the final call would be hers. This is not embodied in
any formal agreement. We 've never discussed it. It is simply un-
derstood between us. No matter the outcome of her decision, she
88
knows I will not second-guess her.

If this sounds like modern matriarchy, so be it. According to
many husbands who live this lifestyle on a daily basis, it can also
be likened to heaven on earth.
l\1oney,l\1oney,l\10ney
Any husband can defer to his wife when the stakes are low.
This is like a reversion to first-date protocol- agreeing with
your date's taste in movies, or politics, or whatever, to get a
good vibe going. In a marriage, this translates to not sweating
the small stuff, such as what restaurant to go to, what color
drapes to buy. Maybe even where to go on vacation.
But what about things that really count? Like how to spend
money?
I've read various claims that money accounts for 90 percent,
three-quarters, or maybe only half of all husband-wife quarrels.
Who knows? In a recent Elle/msnbc.com survey of nearly
7
74,000 men and women, about half of all couples reported that
they fight about money at least once a month.
Alas, these couples also said that big money fights rarely led
to steamy makeup sex. More commonly, money disputes tend to
fester and escalate. Ultimately, they can metastasize into divorce
court cage fights.
Whatever the percentage, money is an unarguable source of
conflict, an iceberg that's sunk many a marriage. How does a
wife-worshipping, or a wife-led marriage navigate around this
ever-lurking menace?
Again and again in my online perusals of wife-worship sites,
I have come upon the same solution- to vest control of finances,
or at least of major financial decisions, into the hands of the
more practical and thrifty spouse. Can you guess which one that
usually is?
If you answered "the wife," collect $50- then give it into her
89
safekeeping. Why? Here's one answer from a wife who coun-

seled a bride-to-be to take charge of family finances from the
start, right during the honeymoon: "You will make sure you do
not end up with $300 dartboards and have your husband spend
$ 100 on a night out with the boys. My fiance 's house was full of
stupid toys, and l told him I intended to have better uses for our
money ."
Granted, it 's a stereotypical point- about men and their ever-
more expensive toys. Wives like to spend money, too- like,
duh!- and I have only the usual anecdotal data indicating a gen-
der-tendency toward impracticality. Among those couples we
know, it 's the wives who endlessly bargain-shop, and the hus-
bands who impulse splurge.
It was that way in our marriage, too, or used to be, before my
wife became Chancellor of the Exchequer.
The Power of the Purse

As a young man, many years ago, I worked as a laborer in a
movie studio. And I vividly recall every payday, around noon
when the paychecks were passed out, seeing all the union car-
penters filing out into the parking lot toward a flo tilla of cars,
each with a woman behind the wheel. The carpenters would
hand over their checks (presumably endorsed), then go back in
to the sawmill or the prop shop, while the wives drove off in
caravan (presumably straight to the bank). .
Those were the days before electronic direct-deposit, by the
way. The transfer is infinitely easier now.
What would any of those studio carpenters have said about
the weekly handover, I wonder? I'll never know. But here' s one
husband who fesses up : " I'm embarrassed to say that I was quite
the spendthrift early in our marriage. When she complained, I
started hiding my spending. My wife caught on, which led to her
really asserting herself on the financi al fron t and establishing a
90
lot of house rules around how money got spent."

These rules, he explains, involve limiting hi s use of bank and
credit cards, requiring justification of all card charges, and con-
sulting his wife on larger purchases. " If she feels something is
unwarranted, she ' ll tell me so, end of discussion."
Okay, you might say, this seems justifiable in the case of
spendthrift hubby. But what about all those husbands who are
not financially irresponsible? The anecdotal answer is that even
money-savvy husbands find their fortunes prospering with wives
carefully monitoring all expenses. A few examples:
" I not only found myself stress-free after she put me on an al-
lowance, but I was surprised at how much better off we were."
"She is the better investor, and we are doing much better than
when I was handling the money. She insists I study financial
matters and learn so she can ask questions and get answers with-
out having to do research herself. I balance her accounts monthly
and keep all the records for her review, while she makes the de-
cisions and signs the checks."
"She is much more capable than I am and we are much better
off with her in control."
Here's another husband's candid take: "In any marriage one
partner is usually better suited to handling the money, and that
partner should be the one who has most of the responsibility. In
our case, it's definitely my wife."
The Romantic Payoff

For the purposes of this book, the real motive for having the
wife control the purse strings is romantic, not financial. Once the
husband accepts the new financial order and budget battles
cease, the bedroom benefits can be dramatic:
"We no longer argue over money," a husband reports. "In fact
since starting our female-led relationship, we hardly argue at all.
There are just so many positives to the woman being the leader.
91
Our marriage is definitely stronger as well as much more pas-

sionate."
Here's a wife who puts money matters in a wider context: "I
think in many male-led marriages a lot of the conflict sterns from
typical gender issues. The woman feels her man doesn't do
enough around the house, is irresponsible with money, and
spends too much time away from home. What we women want,
in my experience, is a greater say in the finances , a man who'll
bear his share of the housework, and a man she can share social
activities with. These three points- money, housework, and so-
cial life- emerge as the big ones. To guarantee a happy marriage
I think the wife can't have too much control of these important
relationship elements."
Of course, there are many other problematic areas in a mar-
riage that can lead to strife- far too many to deal with in this
concluding chapter. But there is one area- the amount of respect
shown the wife by the husband, in private and in public-which
I do want to address, because it's an ideal display case for ap-
propriate male comtship behavior.
Respect{ully Hers
The knight-lady metaphor, with its medieval trappings of
jousting and dragon-slaying, can sound awfully fanciful. But be-
ing chivalrous doesn't require period costume, or spreading
one's velvet cape in the gutter so mi lady can exit her gilded
coach without muddying her satin slippers.
Chivalry can be practiced daily, in any circumstances, simply
by a husband affording his wife the utmost respect, as a knight
would his lady-or his queen, for that matter.
"Even when others notice," a husband boasts, "I am proud to
treat my wife as my queen. She calls it chivalry, which I like.
But to do otherwise would be to show disloyalty to her and our
relationship."
92
HAPPY-EVER-AFTERlNG TAKES WORK
"I set a goal years ago never to challenge or dispute my wife

in public," another husband adds. " This was after she let me
know several times she did not like me putting her down in front
of others. I don' t think I even realized I was doing it. Now I
don't care how wrong I think she is, I don' t correct her or dis-
pute her. I sometimes see other husbands put their wives down,
and my wife and I look at each other knowingly."
Some husbands take this a bit farther: "When you are in pub-
lic, let your adoration spill over. Treat her like a lady at all times.
Open doors for her, stand when she enters a room, don't inter-
rupt her and be quick to tell everyone, anyone, how special she
is."
Obviously, such courtly behavior shouldn't be reserved for
public show. Chivalry should be practiced first at home: "I listen
carefully to whatever my wife is saying, whether at a noisy
cocktail party or among a few friends, but most of all at home
with just the two of us. I place great value on her opinions and
am guided by them."
Treating your wife with this kind of unwavering respect,
writes another man, is a good formula for happy-ever-aftering-
or, in his phrase, "for golden years that are serene and not filled
with recrimination."
Conflict Ain't All Bad

We've talked about ways to avoid marital conflict. But when
pressures build, and the stressors of life pile on, an occasional
outburst is understandable- and can even be therapeutic. Anger,
fear, frustration, grief, the full spectrum of human emotions-
obviously these cannot, and should not, be bottled up.
The last of the Six Steps prescribed here, if you recall, is for a
husband to dare "to be known by her." He ought not hide from
his wife his fears or frailties, his emotional ups and downs.
Openness is beneficial in any marriage, but even more so in
93
wife-worship.
I would recommend, though, if a man·s anger or frustration is
focused at his wife, for whatever reason, he consider exercising,
or exorcising, it well out of her view or earshot. Let him work
out his aggressions in the gym or the handball court. After he's
vented and cooled, the problem may have receded. Or he may be
able to take the issue to his wife in a loving way, with far more
persuasive effect.
Wives need to vent, too, of course. A worshipful husband will
encourage his wife to express her emotions, and will be there for
her, ready to provide comfort and understanding, to hold and
enfold her whenever she needs him.
And if the anger or frustration she seeks to vent is with him?
He can argue back reflexively, he can engage in heated debate,
he can defend his precious turf.
Or he can accept the sting of her words.
I recommend manful acceptance, and here's why: When
long-simmering frustrations finally bo il over into anger, women
are often at their most eloquent, truth-telling best. It pays a man
to listen and learn at such times, if he would be a better husband.
In fact, a husband may actually view his dressing-down as a
compliment, as well as an oppo11unity for him to grow in his de-
votion to her.
As couples counselor Susan Sheppard 8 puts it: " In the begin-
ning of a relationship [a woman] gives out a Jot of nice. As she
starts to feel comfortable, trusting that he will not leave her, she
will begin to share her anger. (The anger about 5 million years of
oppression by men.) For women, mean is an act of love. When a
woman is mean to a man, she has chosen him to love and trusts
him not to leave."
Celebrating the Queen in All Her Moods

There is another kind of womanly outburst that the loving
94
husband needs to learn to accept and understand- those negative

mood swings linked to a woman's natural cycles. A wife ex-
plains:
"There's another way a husband can show his devotion to his
wife. He does not get upset with her when she is crabby or
bitchy, but remains calm and loving. If a husband can willingly
accept his wife' s PMS or perimenopauseal crabbiness, he is truly
a knight in shining armor. A woman does not want to be avoided
at these times."
This wife agrees wholeheartedly: "A devoted husband will
run, not walk toward you when you are emotionally in need.
And be there for you, not bailing out at the last minute because
it' s not fun. "
Can Wife Worship Be '0.C.'?

I remember well a sharp rebuke administered by my wife
when I was behaving in over-solicitous fashion: "Don' t be a
sycophant!" she snapped. The remark stung because it was true.
I had been bird-dogging her, asking what I could do, and she'd
had enough!
There are, alas, some husbands who may adopt and follow the
Six Steps with such zeal that they become obsessive compulsive
about it. This is not conducive to romance. It is courtship behav-
ior, but of the ridiculous kind, like Ichabod Crane arriving on the
doorstep for the first date bowing and scraping, precariously
laden with bouquets and candyboxes.
In this vein, I' ve read about overnight wife-worship conver-
sions that leave wives in total bewilderment. After years of being
ignored and taken for granted by her mate, suddenly she finds
him following her around like a crazed stalker, mooning over her
and jealous of every pastime or pursuit that doesn't involve him.
"These days, I am so focused on my wife," one of these hus-
bands admits, "so smitten, that I want to be with her every
95
minute of the day. But she's so invo lved with our chi ldren, fam-
ily, work, church, community, and various causes, that I feel like
I' m losing her and become resentful when she' s doing some-
thing else."
Female empowerment psychologist Elise Sutton has an inter-
esting take on this condition. "It's not wrong," she counsels one
such husband. "You should desire your wife above all else ...
[But] when your wife is not there, you can ... channel your pas-
sion for her into the other areas of your life. You can be doing
housework for her, running errands for her, excelling in your
career for her, thinking of pleasant and romantic things to do for
her . . ." 9
Summing Up
The happy ending is always a snapshot moment. Cinderella
and her prince in their honeymoon carriage ride, Snow White
and her fella vanishing into golden sunset clouds. That's the way
we want it to remain, so we arbitrarily freeze the frame.
And that's how I 'm going to end this extended paean to wife
worship- with a gallery of snapshots of wife-worship man-iages.
I'll start with my own.
Do I follow my own prescriptions and dwell in the "all-
consuming passion of first love"? Not nearly as much as I
preach, I'm afraid. Our man-iage is all about the kids these days,
and like all couples in this happy but hectic predicament, ro-
mance can become a too-seldom thing.
But I' m pleased to report that oafishness is no longer a com-
fort zone. I know it's not where I should be, and when I catch
myself neglecting my wife, I start taking any one of the six re-
medial steps to get back on my own program.
Rituals help in this regard: a nightly foot massage, getting up
early to fix her breakfast. Even rereading inspirational passages
from this book.
96
I know where my focus should be, and she knows, too. As

one husband aptly expressed: "My wife knows that my life of
happiness goes through her."
Some husbands are doing much better long-term, I' m pleased
to report. This happy-ever-afterer, in describing his daily regi-
men, gives a perfect synopsis of wife worship: "For me, it's part
sexual fantasy, part playfulness, part chivalry, part husbandly
devotion, and part domestic organization and planning. All parts
are good. It is, as I said, a gift oflove. And she appreciates it and
is loving in return."
"My relationship," writes another man, "even if unconven-
tional , is buzzing with love and passion all the time. I have given
my wife the reins to our relationship in an attempt to create a
different dynamic- to recreate the passion of early romantic in-
fatuation. I believe we ' re succeeding."
"It' s not just falling in love the way you were before," adds
another husband, " it' s about falling in love with a new you and a
new her."
Here' s another eloquent look back, with a hopeful glance
ahead: "There's an aspect of chivalry, of complete respect for
my wife. Hopefully, it'll become a habit that lasts even after the
sexual excitement is no longer an important part of our relation-
ship. May she and I look forward to happy and peaceful golden
years instead of years filled with contradiction, anger, and re-
sentment."
A woman who may claim to be the high priestess of wife
worship, Fumika Misato, seems quite confident about the pros-
pects for happy-ever-aftering. She tells wives: "This is a
marriage in which your husband courts you till death does you
part."
97
The Very Last Word

I'll give the final quote to a practicing wife worshipper,
who deftly encapsulates the message of this entire book in a
few sentences:
"To me its's pretty simple. It's all about doing what I can
do to make my wife happy. Because when she is happy, I'm
happy . It doesn't take much once you get the hang of it.
Every single day I just pretend we are dating and I try to win
her heart."
1
The pejorative description ofa wimpy man or a henpecked husband as a
" milquetoast" derives from Caspar Milquetoast, a spine less character
created by Harold Webster in 1924 for his comic strip ''The Timid Soul."
2
You' ll find this quoted extensively on the web. I have not located an au-
thenticated citation.
3
" Sex Differences in the Use of Demand and Withdraw Behavior in
Marriage: Examining the Social Structure Hypothesis,,. Journal of Coun-
seling Psychology, May 2007.
4
Paradise Lost, Book I, line 261.
5
Stick It (2006).
6
Samson Agonistes, Part ll, lines 944-5.
7
"Money, Sex and Love," published March , on MSNBC's website,
http://www.msnbc.msn .com/id/234 l 3243/?GT I =4300 I
8
You can find Sheppard ' s writings on her webs ite,
http://www.gett ingwhatyouwant.com, or in her book, How to Get What
You Want From Your Man Every Time (iUni verse).
9
http ://www.el isesutton.com.
98
AFTERWORD TO WIVES:
HOW CAN I GET MY HUSBAND
TO READ THIS STUFF?
I know, I know. Men are not exactly av id seekers of romantic

advice. If we were, there wouldn't be a need for the tonnage of
articles and books on salvaging or spicing up sagging relation-
ships. " Fantastic!" was the reaction of a woman writer friend
when she heard what I was working on. "Now, if I could only
get my husband to read it." So here's the obvious Catch 22 for
the clever woman: Figuring out how to get this information
where it ultimately- and desperately- needs to go.
You might try leaving printouts on the coffee table. A more
direct approach: Actually stick it under his nose, with a hint-hint,
nudge-nudge. "Darling, what do you think of this?" Even more
direct: "Read this, honey, and take notes." (More radical meth-
ods of persuasion I leave to the fertile imaginations of the wiser
sex.)
I'm doing everything I can to help the cause in the writing-
working on your guy's motivation, talking him through the proc-
ess, step by step, starting with why, moving along to what,
when, how--even how much and how often.
99
100
1111111111111111111111111111111 Made in the USA
6232182RO
Lexington. KY
09 August 20 J 0
~~~~ISSI ·7S-l-4Jrrrmn1
9 78 14 35 715974

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Worshipping

Printed in the United States of America

Acknowledgment and Disclaimer: As noted several places in

Portons of this book first appeared on my website:

"Why should I go out for hamburger

"Boyfriends need to understand

"Ifyou want your wife to be a Goddess,

"The thrill is gone. "

That it can happen-and happen to you-is the extravagant

obsessed again. Marriages, even after years of dormancy , begin

LOOKING FOR LOVE

Why do so many couples fall out of love? What makes the

steady, comforting glow.

The Big Lie

And, all the instinctive string-pulling notwithstanding, it is

the general idea. Unconsciously, our ideas of female beauty de-

But Even Jimmy Carter Did It!

The Jerkov Compulsion

With Friends, two husbands, discussing sex and marriage, have

TOM: "I must've masturbated more than any man in history."

At the performance I attended, this detonated raucous laugh-

Marriage Vows Revisited

couldn 't quarantine erotic thoughts of others. Sorry, not possible,

An old Playboy cartoon showed a dumpy, middle-aged cou-

Recapturing the Magic

The Hovering Wife

No, it was my wife who followed me around, teasing my con-

Love at First Sight-All Over Again

The Queen Restored

The Boomerang Effect

check out the SI swimsuit issue at the supermarket, or this year' s

me and rendering lesser spells harmless.

Under Her Spell for Keeps

she· s dissatisfied with her body or her looks- and proYide a

The Next Step

"He has an extraordinary gift for hope, a romantic readiness

If a marriage is to be a compelling and continuing love

Dynamic vs. Static Marriage

Saturday Night Fever

erful engine for self-improvement than romantic obsession.

sharing your own thoughts and feelings, become mentally and

which every would-be Galahad desires deeply to drink, a Grail

Phase Two: Ceding Control to Her

were dating. I have to work at it. I would recommend this life-

The "playful" in the title refers to "playful teasing," one of

of sex, merely postponing-the wife keeping her mate in a state

well-pleased woman wrote. " Their men become more interested

Courtship in Milady's Bedchamber

cence. Only his game-ending climaxes are reduced.

A sexual tension that far exceeds the short-lived male orgasm

The Manly Art of Womanly Control

games? The list is limited only by your imagination. You may

how we do it, whether he can penetrate me and whether he can

'No' Means 'No'-But Maybe Tomorrow

Is it unmanly to pamper your wife? Is it insulting to a woman,

'Irons and Diapers and Brooms, Oh My!'

percent of the husband care- the myriad tasks of physical and

Wake Up and Smell the Clorox

And He Can Cook, Too!

complementary phases of courtship. Wives seem quite clear on