Can you spot a good relationship?

Of course, nobody knows what really goes on

between any couple, but decades of scientific research into love, sex and
relationships have taught us that a number of behaviours can predict when a
couple is on solid ground or headed for troubled waters. Good relationsh ips
don’t happen overnight. They take commitment, compromise, forgiveness and
most of all — effort. Keep reading for the latest in relationship science, fun
quizzes and helpful tips to help you build a stronger bond with your
partner.

Love and Romance

Falling in love is the easy part. The challenge for couples is how to rekindle the
fires of romance from time to time and cultivate the mature, trusting love that
is the hallmark of a lasting relationship.

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What’s Your Love Style?
When you say “I love you,” what do you mean?

Terry Hatkoff, a California State University sociologist, has created a love scale
that identifies six distinct types of love found in our closest relationships.

• Romantic: Based on passion and sexual attraction

• Best Friends: Fondness and deep affection
• Logical: Practical feelings based on shared values, financial goals, religion
etc.
• Playful: Feelings evoked by flirtation or feeling challenged
• Possessive: Jealousy and obsession
• Unselfish: Nurturing, kindness, and sacrifice

Researchers have found that the love we feel in our most committed relationships
is typically a combination of two or three different forms of love. But often, two
people in the same relationship can have very different versions of how they define
love. Dr. Hatkoff gives the example of a man and woman having dinner. The waiter
flirts with the woman, but the husband doesn’t seem to notice, and talks about
changing the oil in her car. The wife is upset her husband isn’t jealous. The
husband feels his extra work isn’t appreciated.

What does this have to do with love? The man and woman each define love
differently. For him, love is practical, and is best shown by supportive gestures like
car maintenance. For her, love is possessive, and a jealous response by her
husband makes her feel valued.

Understanding what makes your partner feel loved can help you navigate
conflict and put romance back into your relationship. You and your partner can
take the Love Style quiz from Dr. Hatkoff and find out how each of you defines
love. If you learn your partner tends toward jealousy, make sure you notice when
someone is flirting with him or her. If your partner is practical in love, notice the
many small ways he or she shows love by taking care of everyday needs.

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Reignite Romance
Romantic love has been called a “natural addiction” because it activates the
brain’s reward center -- notably the dopamine pathways associated with drug
addiction, alcohol and gambling. But those same pathways are also associated
with novelty, energy, focus, learning, motivation, ecstasy and craving. No wonder
we feel so energized and motivated when we fall in love!

But we all know that romantic, passionate love fades a bit over time, and (we hope)
matures into a more contented form of committed love. Even so, many couples
long to rekindle the sparks of early courtship. But is it possible?

The relationship researcher Arthur Aron, a psychology professor who directs the
Interpersonal Relationships Laboratory at the State University of New York at Stony
Brook, has found a way. The secret? Do something new and different -- and
make sure you do it together. New experiences activate the brain’s reward
system, flooding it with dopamine and norepinephrine. These are the same brain
circuits that are ignited in early romantic love. Whether you take a pottery class or
go on a white-water rafting trip, activating your dopamine systems while you are
together can help bring back the excitement you felt on your first date. In studies of
couples, Dr. Aron has found that partners who regularly share new experiences
report greater boosts in marital happiness than those who simply share
pleasant but familiar experiences.
Diagnose Your Passion Level
The psychology professor Elaine Hatfield has suggested that the love we feel early
in a relationship is different than what we feel later. Early on, love is “passionate,”
meaning we have feelings of intense longing for our mate. Longer-term
relationships develop “companionate love,” which can be described as a deep
affection, and strong feelings of commitment and intimacy.

Where does your relationship land on the spectrum of love? The Passionate Love
Scale, developed by Dr. Hatfield, of the University of Hawaii, and Susan Sprecher,
a psychology and sociology professor at Illinois State University, can help you
gauge the passion level of your relationship. Once you see where you stand, you
can start working on injecting more passion into your partnership. Note that while
the scale is widely used by relationship researchers who study love, the quiz is by
no means the final word on the health of your relationship. Take it for fun and let
the questions inspire you to talk to your partner about passion. After all, you never
know where the conversation might lead.
Sex
For most couples, the more sex they have, the happier the relationship.

How Much Sex Are You Having?

Let’s start with the good news. Committed couples really do have more sex
than everyone else. Don’t believe it? While it’s true that single people can regale
you with stories of crazy sexual episodes, remember that single people also go
through long dry spells. A March 2017 report found that 15 percent of men and 27
percent of women reported they hadn’t had sex in the past year. And 9 percent of
men and 18 percent of women say they haven’t had sex in five years. The main
factors associated with a sexless life are older age and not being married. So
whether you’re having committed or married sex once a week, once a month or just
six times a year, the fact is that there’s still someone out there having less sex than
you. And if you’re one of those people NOT having sex, this will cheer you
up: Americans who are not having sex are just as happy as their sexually-
active counterparts.
But Who’s Counting?
Even though most people keep their sex lives private, we do know quite a bit about
people's sex habits. The data come from a variety of sources, including
the General Social Survey, which collects information on behaviour in the United
States, and the International Social Survey Programme, a similar study that collects
international data, and additional studies from people who study sex like the
famous Kinsey Institute. A recent trend is that sexual frequency is declining among
millennials, likely because they are less likely than earlier generations to have
steady partners.

Based on that research, here’s some of what we know about sex:

• The average adult has sex 54 times a year.

• The average sexual encounter lasts about 30 minutes.
• About 5 percent of people have sex at least three times a week.
• People in their 20s have sex more than 80 times per year.
• People in their 40s have sex about 60 times a year.
• Sex drops to 20 times per year by age 65.
• After the age of 25, sexual frequency declines 3.2 percent annually.
• After controlling for age and time
• period, those born in the 1930s had sex the most often; people born in the
1990s (millennials) had sex the least often.
• About 20 percent of people, most of them widows, have been celibate for at
least a year.
• The typical married person has sexed an average of 51 times a year.
• “Very Happy” couples have sex, on average, 74 times a year.
• Married people under 30 have sex about 112 times a year; single people
under 30 have sex about 69 times a year.
• Married people in their 40s have sex 69 times a year; single people in their
40s have sex 50 times a year.
• Active people have more sex.
• People who drink alcohol have 20 percent more sex than teetotallers.
• On average, extra education is associated with about a week’s worth of less
sex each year.

Early and Often

One of the best ways to make sure your sex life stays robust in a long relationship
is to have a lot of sex early in the relationship. A University of Georgia study of
more than 90,000 women in 19 countries in Asia, Africa and the Americas found
that the longer a couple is married, the less often they have sex, but that the
decline appears to be relative to how much sex they were having when they first
coupled. Here’s a look at frequency of married sex comparing the first year of
marriage with the 10th year of marriage.
Why does sex decline in marriage? It’s a combination of factors — sometimes it’s a
health issue, the presence of children, boredom or unhappiness in the relationship.
But a major factor is age. One study found sexual frequency declines 3.2 percent a
year after the age of 25. The good news is that what married couples lack in
quantity they make up for in quality. Data from the National Health and Social Life
Survey found that married couples have more fulfilling sex than single people.

The No-Sex Marriage

Why do some couple’s sizzles while others fizzle? Social scientists are studying no-
sex marriages for clues about what can go wrong in relationships.

It’s estimated that about 15 percent of married couples have not had sex with their
spouse in the last six months to one year. Some sexless marriages started out
with very little sex. Others in sexless marriages say childbirth or an affair led to a
slowing and eventually stopping of sex. People in sexless marriages are generally
less happy and more likely to have considered divorce than those who have regular
sex with their spouse or committed partner.

If you have a low-sex or no-sex marriage, the most important step is to see a
doctor. A low sex drive can be the result of a medical issues (low testosterone,
erectile dysfunction, menopause or depression) or it can be a side effect of a
medication or treatment. Some scientists speculate that growing use of
antidepressants like Prozac and Paxil, which can depress the sex drive, may be
contributing to an increase in sexless marriages.

While some couples in sexless marriages are happy, the reality is that the more
sex a couple has, the happier they are together. It’s not easy to rekindle a marriage
that has gone without sex for years, but it can be done. If you can’t live in a sexless
marriage but you want to stay married, see a doctor, see a therapist and start
talking to your partner.
Here are some of the steps therapists recommend to get a sexless marriage back
in the bedroom:

1. Talk to each other about your desires.

2. Have fun together and share new experiences to remind yourself how you
fell in love.
3. Hold hands. Touch. Hug.
4. Have sex even if you don’t want to. Many couples discover that if they force
themselves to have sex, soon it doesn’t become work and they remember
that they like sex. The body responds with a flood of brain chemicals and
other changes that can help.

Remember that there is no set point for the right amount of sex in a marriage. The
right amount of sex is the amount that makes both partners happy.

A Prescription for a Better Sex Life

If your sex life has waned, it can take time and effort to get it back on track. The
best solution is relatively simple, but oh-so-difficult for many couples: Start talking
about sex.

• Just do it: Have sex, even if you’re not in the mood. Sex triggers hormonal
and chemical responses in the body, and even if you’re not in the mood,
chances are you will get there quickly once you start.
• Make time for sex: Busy partners often say they are too busy for sex, but
interestingly, really busy people seem to find time to have affairs. The fact is,
sex is good for your relationship. Make it a priority.
• Talk: Ask your partner what he or she wants. Surprisingly, this seems to be
the biggest challenge couples face when it comes to rebooting their sex
lives.

The first two suggestions are self-explanatory, but let’s take some time to explore
the third step: talking to your partner about sex. Dr. Hatfield of the University of
Hawaii is one of the pioneers of relationship science. She developed the
Passionate Love scale we explored earlier in this guide. When Dr. Hatfield
conducted a series of interviews with men and women about their sexual desires,
she discovered that men and women have much more in common than they
realize, they just tend not to talk about sex with each other. Here’s a simple
exercise based on Dr. Hatfield’s research that could have a huge impact on your
sex life:

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 1. Find two pieces of paper and two pens.
2. Now, sit down with your partner so that each of you can write down five
things you want more of during sex with your partner. The answers shouldn’t
be detailed sex acts (although that’s fine if it’s important to you). Ideally, your
answers should focus on behaviours you desire -- being talkative, romantic,
tender, experimental or adventurous.

If you are like the couples in Dr. Hatfield’s research, you may discover that you
have far more in common in terms of sexual desires than you realize. Here are the
answers Dr. Hatfield’s couples gave.

Let’s look at what couples had in common. Both partners wanted seduction,
instructions and experimentation.

The main difference for men and women is where sexual desire begins. Men
wanted their wives to initiate sex more often and be less inhibited in the bedroom.
But for women, behaviour outside the bedroom also mattered. They wanted their
partner to be warmer, helpful in their lives, and they wanted love and compliments
both in and out of the bedroom.
Staying Faithful

Men and women can train themselves to protect their relationships and raise
their feelings of commitment.

Can You Predict Infidelity?

In any given year about 10 percent of married people —12 percent of men and 7
percent of women — say they have had sex outside their marriage. The relatively
low rates of annual cheating mask the far higher rate of lifetime cheating. Among
people over 60, about one in four men and one in seven women admit they have
ever cheated.

A number of studies in both animals and humans suggest that there may be a
genetic component to infidelity. While science makes a compelling case that there is
some genetic component to cheating, we also know that genetics are not destiny.
And until there is a rapid-gene test to determine the infidelity risk of your partner, the
debate about the genetics of infidelity isn’t particularly useful to anyone.

There are some personality traits known to be associated with cheating. A report in
The Archives of Sexual Behaviour found that two traits predicted risk for infidelity in
men. Men who are easily aroused (called “propensity for sexual excitation”)
and men who are overly concerned about sexual performance failure are more
likely to cheat. The finding comes from a study of nearly 1,000 men and women. In
the sample, 23 percent of men and 19 percent of women reported ever cheating on a
partner.
For women, the main predictors of infidelity were relationship happiness
(women who aren’t happy in their partnership are twice as likely to cheat) and
being sexually out-of-sync with their partner (a situation that makes women
three times as likely to cheat as women who feel sexually compatible with their
partners).

Protect Your Relationship

1. Avoid Opportunity. In one survey, psychologists at the University of Vermont
asked 349 men and women in committed relationships about sexual fantasies. Fully
98 percent of the men and 80 percent of the women reported having imagined a
sexual encounter with someone other than their partner at least once in the previous
two months. The longer couples were together, the more likely both partners were to
report such fantasies.

But there is a big difference between fantasizing about infidelity and actually
following through. The strongest risk factor for infidelity, researchers have
found, exists not inside the marriage but outside: opportunity.

For years, men have typically had the most opportunities to cheat thanks to long
hours at the office, business travel and control over family finances. But today, both
men and women spend late hours at the office and travel on business. And even for
women who stay home, cell phones, e-mail and instant messaging appear to be
allowing them to form more intimate relationships outside of their marriages. As a
result, your best chance at fidelity is to limit opportunities that might allow you
to stray. Committed men and women avoid situations that could lead to bad
decisions -- like hotel bars and late nights with colleagues.

2. Plan Ahead for Temptation. Men and women can develop coping strategies to
stay faithful to a partner.

A series of unusual studies led by John Lydon, a psychologist at McGill University in

Montreal, looked at how people in a committed relationship react in the face of
temptation. In one study, highly committed married men and women were asked to
rate the attractiveness of people of the opposite sex in a series of photos. Not
surprisingly, they gave the highest ratings to people who would typically be viewed
as attractive.

Later, they were shown similar pictures and told that the person was interested in
meeting them. In that situation, participants consistently gave those pictures lower
scores than they had the first time around.

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When they were attracted to someone who might threaten the relationship, they
seemed to instinctively tell themselves, “He’s not so great.” “The more committed
you are,” Dr. Lydon said, “the less attractive you find other people who threaten your
relationship.”

Other McGill studies confirmed differences in how men and women react to such
threats. In one, attractive actors or actresses were brought in to flirt with study
participants in a waiting room. Later, the participants were asked questions about
their relationships, particularly how they would respond to a partner’s bad behaviour,
like being late and forgetting to call.

Men who had just been flirting were less forgiving of the hypothetical bad behaviour,
suggesting that the attractive actress had momentarily chipped away at their
commitment. But women who had been flirting were more likely to be forgiving and
to make excuses for the man, suggesting that their earlier flirting had triggered a
protective response when discussing their relationship.

“We think the men in these studies may have had commitment, but the women had
the contingency plan — the attractive alternative sets off the alarm bell,” Dr. Lydon
said. “Women implicitly code that as a threat. Men don’t.”

The study also looked at whether a person can be trained to resist temptation. The
team prompted male students who were in committed dating relationships to imagine
running into an attractive woman on a weekend when their girlfriends were away.
Some of the men were then asked to develop a contingency plan by filling in the
sentence “When she approaches me, I will __________ to protect my relationship.”

Because the researchers ethically could not bring in a real woman to act as a
temptation, they created a virtual-reality game in which two out of four rooms
included subliminal images of an attractive woman. Most of the men who had
practiced resisting temptation stayed away from the rooms with attractive women;
but among men who had not practiced resistance, two out of three gravitated toward
the temptation room.

Of course, it’s a lab study, and doesn’t really tell us what might happen in the real
world with a real woman or man tempting you to stray from your relationship. But if
you worry you might be vulnerable to temptation on a business trip, practice
resistance by reminding yourself the steps you will take to avoid temptation
and protect your relationship.

3. Picture Your Beloved. We all know that sometimes the more you try to resist
something -- like ice cream or a cigarette -- the more you crave it. Relationship
researchers say the same principle can influence a person who sees a man or
woman who is interested in them. The more you think about resisting the person, the
more tempting he or she becomes. Rather than telling yourself “Be good. Resist,” the
better strategy is to start thinking about the person you love, how much they mean to
you and what they add to your life. Focus on loving thoughts and the joy of your
family, not sexual desire for your spouse -- the goal here is to damp down the
sex drive, not wake it up.

4. Keep Your Relationship Interesting. Scientists speculate that your level of

commitment may depend on how much a partner enhances your life and broadens
your horizons — a concept that Dr. Aron, the Stony Brook psychology professor,
calls “self-expansion.”

To measure this quality, couples are asked a series of questions: How much does
your partner provide a source of exciting experiences? How much has knowing your
partner made you a better person? How much do you see your partner as a way to
expand your own capabilities?

The Stony Brook researchers conducted experiments using activities that stimulated
self-expansion. Some couples were given mundane tasks, while others took part in a
silly exercise in which they were tied together and asked to crawl on mats, pushing a
foam cylinder with their heads. The study was rigged so the couples failed the time
limit on the first two tries, but just barely made it on the third, resulting in much
celebration.

Couples were given relationship tests before and after the experiment. Those who
had taken part in the challenging activity posted greater increases in love and
relationship satisfaction than those who had not experienced victory together. The
researchers theorize that couples who explore new places and try new things
will tap into feelings of self-expansion, lifting their level of commitment.

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Conflict
Every couple has disagreements, but science shows that how two people
argue has a big effect on both their relationships and their health.

How to Fight
Many people try their best to avoid conflict, but relationship researchers say every
conflict presents an opportunity to improve a relationship. The key is to learn to
fight constructively in a way that leaves you feeling better about your partner.

Marriage researcher John Gottman has built an entire career out of studying how
couples interact. He learned that even in a laboratory setting, couples are willing to
air their disagreements even when scientists are watching and the cameras are
rolling. From that research, he developed a system of coding words and gestures
that has been shown to be highly predictive of a couple’s chance of success or risk
for divorce or breakup.
In one important study, Dr. Gottman and his colleagues observed newly married
couples in the midst of an argument. He learned that the topic didn’t matter, nor did
the duration of the fight. What was most predictive of the couple’s marital
health? The researchers found that analysing just the first three minutes of the
couple’s argument could predict their risk for divorce over the next six years.

In many ways, this is great news for couples because it gives you a place to focus.
The most important moments between you and your partner during a conflict are
those first few minutes when the fight is just getting started. Focus on your behaviour
during that time, and it likely will change the dynamics of your relationship for the
better.

Here’s some general advice from the research about how to start a fight with the
person you love:

Identify the complaint, not the criticism. If you’re upset about housework, don’t
start the fight by criticizing your partner with, “You never help me.” Focus on the
complaint and what will make it better. “It’s so tough when I work late on Thursdays
to come home to dishes and unbathed kids. Do you think you could find a way to
help more on those nights?”

Avoid “you” phrases. Phrases like “You always” and “You never” are almost
always followed by criticism and blame.

Think about pronouns. Sentence that start with “I” or “We” help you identify
problems and solutions, rather than putting blame on someone else.

Be aware of body language. No eye-rolling, which is a sign of contempt. Look at

your partner when you speak. No folded arms or crossed legs to show you are open
to their feelings and input. Sit or stand at the same level as your partner -- one
person should not be looking down or looking up during an argument.

Learn to De-escalate: When the argument starts getting heated, take it upon
yourself to calm things down. Here are some phrases that are always useful in de-
escalation:

• “What if we…”
• “I know this is hard…”
• “I hear what you’re saying…”
• “What do you think?”

Dr. Gottman reminds us that fighting with your partner is not a bad thing. After all his
years of studying conflict, Dr. Gottman has said he’s a strong believe in the power of
argument to help couples improve their relationship. In fact, airing our differences
gives our relationship “real staying power,” he says. You just need to make sure
you get the beginning right so the discussion can be constructive instead of
damaging.
Why Couples Fight
A famous study of cardiovascular health conducted in Framingham, Mass.,
happened to ask its 4,000 participants what topics were most likely to cause conflict
in their relationship. Women said issues involving children, housework and money
created the most problems in their relationships. Men said their arguments with their
spouse usually focused on sex, money and leisure time. Even though the lists were
slightly different, the reality is that men and women really care about the same
issues: money, how they spend their time away from work (housework or
leisure) and balancing the demands of family life (children and sex).

Money
Sometimes money problems become marriage problems.

Studies show that money is consistently the most common reason for conflict in a
relationship. Couples with financial problems and debt create have higher levels of
stress and are less happy in their relationship.

Why does money cause conflict? Fights about money ultimately are not really
about finances. They are about a couple’s values and shared goals. A person
who overspends on restaurants, travel and fun stuff often wants to live in the
moment and seek new adventures and change; a saver hoping to buy a house some
day may most value stability, family and community. Money conflict can be a
barometer for the health of your relationship and an indicator that the two of you are
out of sync on some of your most fundamental values.

David Olson, professor emeritus at the University of Minnesota, studied 21,000

couples and identified five questions you can ask to find out if you are financially
compatible with your partner.

1. We agree on how to spend money.

2. I don’t have any concerns about how my partner handles money.
3. I am satisfied with our decisions about savings.
4. Major debts are not a problem
5. Making financial decisions is not difficult.

Dr. Olson found that the happiest couples were those who both agreed with at least
four of the statements. He also found that couples who did not see eye to eye on
three or more of the statements were more likely to score low on overall marital
happiness. Debt tends to be the biggest culprit in marital conflict. It can be an
overwhelming source of worry and stress. As a result, couples who can focus on
money problems and reduce their debt may discover that they have also solved most
of their marital problems.
Here’s some parting advice for managing your money and your relationship:

Be honest about your spending: It’s surprisingly common for two people in a
relationship to lie about how they spend their money, usually because they know it’s
a sore point for their partner. Researchers call it “financial infidelity,” and when it’s
discovered, it represents a serious breach of trust in the relationship. Surveys
suggest secret spending occurs in one out of three committed relationships.
Shopping for clothes, spending money on a hobby and gambling are the three most-
cited types of secret spending that causes conflict in a relationship.

Maintain some financial independence: While two people in a relationship need to

be honest with each other about how they spend their money, it’s a good idea for
both sides to agree that each person has his or her own discretionary pot of money
to spend on whatever they want. Whether it’s a regular manicure, clothes shopping,
a great bottle of wine or a fancy new bike -- the point is that just because you have
different priorities as a family doesn’t mean you can’t occasionally feed your personal
indulgences. The key is to agree on the amount of discretionary money you each
have and then stay quiet when your partner buys the newest iPhone just because.

Invest in the relationship. When you do have money to spend, spend it on the
relationship. Take a trip, go to dinner, see a show. Spending money on new and
shared experiences is a good investment in your partnership.

Children
One of the more uncomfortable findings of relationship science is the negative effect
children can have on previously happy couples. Despite the popular notion that
children bring couples closer, several studies have shown that relationship
satisfaction and happiness typically plummet with the arrival of the first baby.

One study from the University of Nebraska College of Nursing looked at marital
happiness in 185 men and women. Scores declined starting in pregnancy, and
remained lower as the children reached 5 months and 24 months. Other studies
show that couples with two children score even lower than couples with one child.

While having a child clearly makes parents happy, the financial and time constraints
can add stress to a relationship. After the birth of a child, couples have only about
one-third the time alone together as they had when they were childless, according to
researchers from Ohio State.

Here’s the good news: A minority of couples with children — about 20 percent —
manage to stay happy in their relationships despite the kids.

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What’s their secret? Top three predictors of a happy marriage among parents

1. Sexual Intimacy
2. Commitment
3. Generosity

So there you have it. The secret to surviving parenthood is to have lots of sex,
be faithful and be generous toward your partner. In this case, generosity isn’t
financial — it’s about the sharing, caring and kind gestures you make toward your
partner every day. When you are trying to survive the chaos of raising kids, it’s the
little things — like bringing your partner coffee, offering to pick up the dry cleaning or
do the dishes, that can make all the difference in the health of your relationship.

Make It Last
Here are some suggestions for how to strengthen your relationship based on
the findings of various studies.
Use Your Relationship for Personal Growth
Finding a partner who makes your life more interesting is an important factor in
sustaining a long relationship.

Gary W. Lewandowski Jr., a professor at Monmouth University in New Jersey,

developed a series of questions for couples: How much has being with your partner
resulted in your learning new things? How much has knowing your partner made
you a better person?

“People have a fundamental motivation to improve the self and add to who they are
as a person,” Dr. Lewandowski says. “If your partner is helping you become a
better person, you become happier and more satisfied in the relationship.”

Be Decisive
How thoughtfully couples make decisions can have a lasting effect on the quality of
their romantic relationships. Couples who are decisive before marriage —
intentionally defining their relationships, living together and planning a
wedding — appear to have better marriages than couples who simply let
inertia carry them through major transitions.

“Making decisions and talking things through with partners is important,”

said Galena K. Rhoades, a relationship researcher at the University of Denver and
co-author of the report. “When you make an intentional decision, you are more
likely to follow through on that.”

While the finding may seem obvious, the reality is that many couples avoid real
decision-making. Many couples living together, for instance, did not sit down and
talk about cohabitation. Often one partner had begun spending more time at the
other’s home, or a lease expired, forcing the couple to formalize a living
arrangement.

Showing intent in some form — from planning the first date, to living together, to
the wedding and beyond — can help improve the quality of a marriage over all. To
learn more, read about the science behind “The Decisive Marriage.”

“At the individual level, know who you are and what you are about, and make
decisions when it counts rather than letting things slide,” Dr. Stanley said. “Once
you are a couple, do the same thing in terms of how you approach major transitions
in your relationship.”