Key Counselling Skills Explained: Attending

COMPREHENSIVE STUDY RESOURCES FOR STUDENTS OF COUNSELLING AND PSYCHOTHERAPY
KEY COUNSELLING
SKILLS EXPLAINED
“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to
reply. They're either speaking or preparing to speak.”
- Steven R Covey
Yes, it’s true! When most people listen, they are filtering out what is being said and preparing to
respond with their own interpretations or agenda.
Listening to understand, requires patience and a certain set of skills, that when applied correctly,
facilitate clear communication and deep understanding.
Listed below are the most common forms of skill used in effective listening and responding.
Attending
Being prepared to listen in an unhurried way. Making sure that your client can see and feel that
they have your undivided attention in the time you have together.
This can be demonstrated by appropriate use of eye contact*, and affirming verbals such as:
1. aha—exclamation of discovery or realization

2. uh huh—interjection signifying understanding
COUNSELLINGTUTOR.COM 1
Rapport building
Is advanced attending skills. It includes offering empathy; having a welcoming and respectful
manner; being a warm, genuine and real person in the relationship; and most importantly, being
non-judgmental toward you client.
Silence
Is perhaps the most underrated of all counselling skills. It can be used any time during the
session. However, it is very effective at the start of the session when the client is talking about
their issues or difficulties in life.
The use of silence has two main functions:
1. It allows the client to tell their story and to feel heard and validated.
2. It allows the counsellor to gain a deeper understanding of the speaker’s issues, while
providing a useful space for the counsellor to consider appropriate responses to the
client’s story.
Paraphrasing
This skill is used by the counsellor to reflect back the key points of the client’s story. Sometimes
described as ‘holding up a mirror’ to the client so they can hear their words repeated back to
them.
This skill has three functions:
1. It lets the client know you are paying attention and ‘hearing’ them.
2. The client can be sure that you have listened and gives an opportunity to correct or add
information.
3. It gives the opportunity for the client to hear the power of their own words.
Example:
Client Valerie - “My father is very ill and I am worried. He lives a long way away and I will
have to get the train to see him. I really cannot afford the fare as I have very little money at the
moment.”
Counsellor Adeela - “You are concerned about your father’s health. Traveling to see him is giving
you money worries as well.”
Be thoughtful that paraphrasing is rewording the client’s story in your own words. Avoid
repeating back what’s said word for word—that’s not paraphrasing. That’s parrot -phrasing!
Reflecting
Reflecting is a skill that can be used in conjunction with paraphrasing. This skill picks up on the
emotion shown by the client as they are telling their story.
Example:
Client Valerie (clenching her fists) - “I don’t know why my father chose to live so far away from
me when he knew how ill he was going to become.”
Counsellor Adeela - “You seem angry at your father for moving so far away.”
Client Valerie - “I am. I now have to travel halfway across the country to see him. He is so
selfish.”
In the above interaction, you can see how reflecting and paraphrasing work together.
Empathy
Sometimes referred to as ‘the frame of reference’, it is the client’s unique worldview. By being
empathic and emotionally ‘walking in the client’s shoes’, a counsellor understands both the
narrative and the felt emotion experienced by the client. This skill is sometimes referred to as
‘listening to the music behind the words’.
Focusing
Is a useful skill if a client brings lots of issues to the session. By asking the client which issue is
most pressing, the counsellor and the client have a clear understanding of what is being worked
with. Usually, when the major issue is the ‘focus’ of the work, other issues tend to fade ways or
resolve themselves.
Clarifying
Sometimes clients give a lot of information all at once which makes perfect sense to them but can
be confusing for the counsellor to understand. Clarifying is a skill that uses a question to help the
counsellor get a better understanding of the client’s story.
Example:
Client Valerie - “Tom has always been selfish.”
Counsellor Adeela - “Who is Tom?”
Client Valerie - “Tom is my father’s name.”
Use of Questions
In counselling, questioning should be used with the skill of clarifying and understanding, not to
probe or interrogate the client. If questions are used, they should be open, not closed questions.
Example:
Closed question - “Are you feeling sad today?”
Open question - “How are you feeling today?”
By using open questions, you allow the client to speak more about the issues, as opposed to
responding to a closed question with a yes or no answer.
Summarising
This skill is used towards the end of the session and is effectively a longer paraphrase. It is a
useful way for the counsellor to reflect the key points of the session before bringing it to a
respectful close.
Finally…
Listening to understand instead of listening to respond is the basis of forming a trusting, mutually
respectful relationship in which clients feel safe and secure enough to discuss difficult issues.
When this happens and the above skills are used properly, clients can see and embrace the
changes in their lives.
*Eye contact, In western cultures looking someone in the eye is seen as a sign of honesty, integrity or that you have
their undivided attention. In certain Asian cultures, it can be seen as a sign of disrespect or rudeness.
When using counselling skills always be culturally aware.

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COMPREHENSIVE STUDY RESOURCES FOR STUDENTS OF COUNSELLING AND PSYCHOTHERAPY

1. aha—exclamation of discovery or realization

The use of silence has two main functions:

This skill has three functions:

Client Valerie - “Tom has always been selfish.”

Counsellor Adeela - “Who is Tom?”

Client Valerie - “Tom is my father’s name.”

Closed question - “Are you feeling sad today?”

Open question - “How are you feeling today?”

When using counselling skills always be culturally aware.

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