The One With the Butt

Written by: Adam Chase & Ira Ungerleider

Transcribed by: guineapig

[Scene: A Theater, the gang is in the audience wating for a

play of Joey's to start.]

Rachel: (reading the program) Ooh! Look! Look! Look!

Look, there's Joey's picture! This is so exciting!

Chandler: You can always spot someone who's never seen

one of his plays before. Notice, no fear, no sense of Spot: nhận ra
impending doom...
(lóng Mỹ): chấp
Phoebe: The exclamation point in the title scares me.
(Gesturing) Y'know, it's not just Freud, it's Freud! Impending: sắp đến,
treo lơ lửng trên đầu
(The lights dim.)
exclamation point: !
Ross: Oh, shhh, shh. Magic is about to happen.

(The lights go up on the stage, Joey, as Freud, is talking to a

female patient.)

Joey: Vell, Eva, ve've done some excellent vork here, and I
vould have to say, your pwoblem is qviiite clear. (He goes
into a song and dance number.)

All you want is a dingle,

What you envy's a schwang, Dingle: thung lũng nhỏ và
A thing through which you can tinkle, sâu
Or play with, or simply let hang...

Opening Credits

[Scene: The Theater, the play has ended and everyone is

applauding.  As soon as the cast leaves, the gang all groan and
sit down heavily.]

Rachel: God. I feel violated.

Monica: Did anybody else feel they just wanted to peel the
skin off their body, to have something else to do?
Chandler: (staring at a woman across the room) Ross, ten
o'clock.

Ross: Is it? Feels like two.

Chandler: No, ten o'clock.

Ross: What?

Chandler: (sighs and gestures to explain) There's a beautiful

woman at eight, nine, ten o'clock!

Ross: Oh. Hel-lo!

Chandler: She's amazing! She makes the women that I dream

about look like short, fat, bald men!

Monica: Well, go over to her! She's not with anyone.

Chandler: Oh yeah, and what would my opening line be?

'Excuse me. Blarrglarrghh.'

Rachel: Oh, c'mon. She's a person, you can do it!

Chandler: Oh please, could she be more out of my league?

Ross, back me up here.
out of your league: not right
Ross: He could never get a woman like that in a million years. for you: I think an expensive
car is a little out of your
Chandler: Thank you, buddy.
league right now, don't you?
Phoebe: Oh, oh, but y'know, you always see these really doing something you are not
beautiful women with these really nothing guys, you could be
prepared for She was clearly
one of those guys.
out of her league, suddenly
Monica: You could do that! forced to finish a project she
knew little about.
Chandler: Y'think?

All: Yeah!

Chandler: Oh God, I can't believe I'm even considering this...

I'm very very aware of my tongue...

Ross: C'mon! C'mon!

Chandler: Here goes. (He walks over to her but just stands
there.) usher

Aurora: ...Yes?

Chandler: Hi.... um... okay, next word... would be...

Chandler! Chandler is my name, and, uh...(He clears his
throat noisily)...hi.

Aurora: Yes, you said that.

Chandler: Yes, yes I did, but what I didn't say was what I
was about to say, what I wanted to say was, uh... would you
like to go out with me sometime, thankyou, goodnight. (He
walks back to the others but she calls him back.)

Aurora: Chandler?

(Joey enters from behind a curtain.  The others all talk at

once.)

All: Hey! You're in a play! I didn't know you could dance!

You had a beard!

Joey: Whadja think?

(Pause)

All: ...Hey! You're in a play! I didn't know you could dance!

You had a beard!

Joey: C'mon, you guys, it wasn't that bad. It was better than
that thing I did with the trolls, at least you got to see my head.

All: (admitting) Saw your head. Saw your head. troll

Chandler: (running back) She said yes!! She said yes!! (To
Joey) Awful play, man. Whoah. (To All) Her name's Aurora,
and she's Italian, and she pronounces my name 'Chand-lrr'.
'Chand-lrr'. I think I like it better that way. (To Joey) Oh,
listen, the usher gave me this to give to you. (He fishes a card
out of his pocket.)

Rachel: What is it?

Joey: The Estelle Leonard Talent Agency. Wow, an agency
left me its card! Maybe they wanna sign me!

Phoebe: Based on this play? ...Based on this play!

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone else is there as Chandler

enters.]

Chandler: Hey, kids.

All: Hey.

Phoebe: (reading Monica's palm) No, 'cause this line is

passion, and this is... just a line.

Chandler: Well, I can't believe I've been here almost seven

seconds and you haven't asked me how my date went.

Monica: Oh, right, right. How was your date, 'Chand-lrr'?

Chandler: It was unbelievable. I-I've never met anyone like

her. She's had the most amazing life! She was in the Israeli
army...

(A flashback of Aurora and Chandler on their date in Central

Perk is denoted by italics.)

Aurora: ...Luckily none of the bullets hit the engine block. So,
we made it to the border, but just barely, and I- ...I've been
talking about myself all night long, I'm sorry. What about
you? Tell me one of your stories.

Chandler: Alright. Once I got on the subway, right, and it

was at night, and I rode it all the way to Brooklyn... just for
the hell of it.

Chandler: We talked 'til like two. It was this perfect

evening... more or less.

Aurora: ...All of a sudden we realised we were in Yammon.

Chandler: Oh, I'm sorry, so 'we' is?

Aurora: 'We' would be me and Rick.

Joey: Who's Rick?

Chandler: Who's Rick?

Aurora: My husband.

All: Ooooohhh.

Chandler: Oh, so you're divorced?

Aurora: No.

Chandler: Oh, I'm sorry, then you're widowed?...Hopefully?

Aurora: No, I'm still married.

Chandler: So tell me, how do- how do you think your husband would
feel about you sitting here with me?...Sliding your foot so far up my
pant leg you can count the change in my pocket?

Aurora: Don't worry. I imagine he'd be okay with you because really,
he's okay with Ethan.

Chandler: Ethan? There's, there's an Ethan?

Aurora: Mmmm... Ethan is my... boyfriend.

All: What?!

Chandler: So explain something to me here, uh, what kind of a

relationship do you imagine us having if you already have a husband
and a boyfriend?

Aurora: I suppose mainly sexual.

Chandler: ...Hm.

Monica: Oh. I'm sorry it didn't work out.

Chandler: What 'not work out'? I'm seeing her again on Thursday.
Didn't you listen to the story?

Monica: Didn't you listen to the story? I mean, this is twisted! How
could you get involved with a woman like this?

Chandler: Well, y'know, I had some trouble with it at first too, but
the way I look at it is, I get all the good stuff: all the fun, all the
talking, all the sex; and none of the responsibility. I mean,
this is every guy's fantasy! Bristles

Phoebe: Oh, yeah. That is not true. Ross, is this your fantasy?

Ross: No, of course not! (Thinks) ...Yeah, yeah, it is.

Monica: What? So you guys don't mind going out with

someone else who's going out with someone else?

Joey: I couldn't do it.

Ottoman
Monica: Good for you, Joey.

Joey: When I'm with a woman, I need to know that I'm going
out with more people than she is.

Ross: Well, y'know, monogamy can be a, uh, tricky concept. I

mean, anthropologically speaking-

(They all pretend to fall asleep.)

anthropologically
Ross: Fine. Fine, alright, now you'll never know.

Monica: We're kidding. C'mon, tell us!

All: Yeah! C'mon!

Ross: Alright. There's a theory, put forth by Richard Leakey-

(They all fall asleep again.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is there as enter except

Joey enter.] Psycho

Rachel: Tah-daaah!

Chandler: Are we greeting each other this way now? 'Cause I

like that. Raggedy
Rachel: Look! I cleaned! I did the windows, I did the floors... kook
I even used all the attachments on the vacuum, except that
little round one with the bristles, I don't know what that's for.

Ross: Oh yeah, nobody knows. And we're not supposed to

ask.
Rachel: Well, whaddya think?
Madcap
All: Very clean! It looks great! Terrific!

Monica: ...Oh! I-I see you moved the green ottoman.

All: Uh-oh...

Monica: How-how did that happen?

Rachel: I dunno.. I-I thought it looked better there. And I-

and also, it's an extra seat around the coffee table.

Monica: Yeah, yeah, it's interesting.. but y'know what? Just

for fun, let's see what it looked like in the old spot. (She
Coaster
moves it.) Alright, just to compare. Let's see. Well, it looks
good there too. Let's just leave it there for a while.
Beads
Phoebe: (to Rachel) I can't believe you tried to move the Condensation
green ottoman.
inching
Chandler: Thank God you didn't try to fan out the magazines.
I mean, she'll scratch your eyes right out.

Monica: You guys, I am not that bad! gasp

Phoebe: Yeah, you are, Monica. Remember when I lived with

you? You were like, a little, y'know, (psycho) Ree! Ree! Ree!
Ree!

Monica: That is so unfair!

Ross: Oh c'mon! When we were kids, yours was the only

Raggedy Ann doll that wasn't raggedy!

Monica: Okay, so I'm responsible, I'm organised. But hey, I

can be a kook.

Ross: Alright, you madcap gal. Try to imagine this. The

phone bill arrives, but you don't pay it right away.

Monica: Why not?

Ross: Because you're a kook! Instead you wait until they send
you a notice.
Monica: I could do that.

Rachel: Okay, uh, you let me go grocery shopping, and I buy

laundry detergent, but it's not the one with the easy-pour mumbles
spout.

Monica: Why would someone do that?! ...One might wonder.

Chandler: Someone's left a glass on the coffee table. There's

no coaster. It's a cold drink, it's a hot day. Little beads of
condensation are inching their way closer and closer to the
surface of the wood...

Monica: STOP IT!! ...Oh my God. It's true! Who am I?

Ross: Monica? You're Mom.

(Monica gasps.)

Phoebe: Ree! Ree! Ree! Ree! Ree!

(Joey enters and he's on the phone.)

Joey: (on phone) Uh huh.. uh huh... oh my God! Okay! Okay,

I'll be there! (He hangs up and to all.) That was my agent. (He
tosses and catches the phone.) My agent has just gotten me a
job...in the new Al Pacino movie!

All: Oh my God! Whoah!

Monica: Well, what's the part?

Joey: Can you believe this? Al Pacino! This guy's the reason I
became an actor! "I'm out of order? Pfeeeh. You're out of
order! This whole courtroom's out of order!"

Phoebe: Seriously, what-what's the part?

Joey: "Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in!"

Ross: C'mon, seriously, Joey, what's the part?

Joey: ...I'm his (mumbles)

Rachel: ..You're, you're 'mah mah mah' what?

Joey: ...I'm his butt double. 'Kay? I play Al Pacino's butt. Alright? He
goes into the shower, and then- I'm his butt.

Monica: (trying not to laugh) Oh my God.

Joey: C'mon, you guys. This is a real movie, and Al Pacino's in it,
and that's big!

Chandler: Oh no, it's terrific, it's... it's... y'know, you deserve this,
after all your years of struggling, you've finally been able to crack
your way into showbusiness.

Joey: Okay, okay, fine! Make jokes, I don't care! This is a big break
for me!

Ross: You're right, you're right, it is...So you gonna invite us all to
the big opening?

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next morning, Monica is getting the
door.]

Monica: Alright, alright, alright...

(Joey enters with Monica's paper and hands it to her.)

Joey: Here. I need to borrow some moisturizer.

Monica: For what?

Joey: Whaddya think? Today's the big day!

Monica: Oh my God. Okay, go into the bathroom, use whatever you

want, just don't ever tell me what you did in there.

Joey: Thank you! (He goes into the bathroom.)

(Chandler enters with the phone.)

Chandler: Where's Joey? His mom's on the phone.

Monica: He's in the bathroom. I don't think you wanna go in there!

Chandler: C'mon, we're roommates! (He goes into the
bathroom, screams, and runs back out.) My eyes!! My eyes!!

Monica: I warned you...

(Rachel enters from her room.)

Rachel: Who is being loud?

Chandler: Oh, that would be Monica. Hey, listen, I wanna

borrow a coupla things, Aurora spent the night, I really wanna
make her breakfast.

Monica: Oh, you got the whole night, huh?

Chandler: Yeah, well, I only have twenty minutes until

Ethan, so, y'know.. (He starts to raid the fridge.)

Rachel: Ooh, do I sense a little bit of resentment?

Chandler: No, no resentment, believe me, it's worth it. 'Kay?

Y'know in a relationship you have these key moments that
you know you'll remember for the rest of your life? Well,
every- single- second is like that with Aurora.. and I've just
wasted about thirty-five of them talking to you people, so, uh.. raid
Monica, can you help me with the door? (He has armloads of
stuff.) resentment: sự oán
Clench: nghiến chă ̣t,giâ
ghị̀n
chă ̣t
Monica: Sure. Oh, um, Chandler? Y'know, the-the old
Monica would-would remind you to scrub that Teflon pan
with a plastic brush...But I'm not gonna do that.

(She opens the door and he leaves.)

[Scene: A Film Set, Joey is entering for his scene.]

Director: (on phone)...Dammit, hire the girl! (He hangs up

the phone.) Okay, everybody ready?
Scrub: (v) chùi
Joey: Uh, listen, I just wanna thank you for this great
opportunity. (n): sự cọ rửa, bụi cây

Director: Lose the robe.

Joey: Me?
Director: That would work.

Joey: Right. Okay. Losing the robe. (He takes off the robe.)
And the robe is lost.

Director: Okay, everybody, we'd like to get this in one take,

please. Let's roll it.. water's working (The shower starts)..
and... action.

(Joey starts to the shower with a grim, determined look on his

face.)

Director: And cut. Hey, Butt Guy, what the hell are you
doing?

Joey: Well, I'm- I'm showering.

Director: No, that was clenching.

Joey: Oh. Well, the way I see it, the guy's upset here, y'know?
I mean, his wife's dead, his brother's missing... I think his butt
would be angry here.

Director: I think his butt would like to get this shot before
lunch. Once again, rolling... water working... and action....and
cut. What was that?

Joey: I was going for quiet desperation. But if you have to

ask...

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Aurora and Chandler are in bed

in Chandler's room.]

Chandler: God, I love these fingers...

Aurora: Thank you.

Chandler: No, actually I meant my fingers. Look at 'em, look

at how happy they are.

Aurora: (moves Chandler's arm and look at his watch.) Oh

my God, I'm late. (She starts to get up.)

Chandler: Oh no nonononononnononono, don't go.. (He

kisses her and pulls her back down.)
Aurora: Okay.

Chandler: Don't go.

Aurora: Okay. Oh no, I have to.

Chandler: (to himself) Too bad, she's leaving.

Aurora: (getting up and dressing) I'm sorry. He'll be waiting

for me.

Chandler: Well, I thought- I thought you talked to Rick.

Aurora: It's not Rick.

Chandler: What, Ethan? He got to spend the whole day with

you!

Aurora: No, it's-it's Andrew.

Chandler: I know there'll be many moments in the years to

come when I'll regret asking the following question, but- And
Andrew is?

Aurora: He's... new.

Chandler: Oh, so what you're saying is you're not completely

fulfilled by Rick, Ethan and myself?

Aurora: No, that's not exactly what I was..

Chandler: Well, y'know, most women would kill for three

guys like us.

Aurora: So what do you want?

Chandler: You.

Aurora: You have me!

Chandler: Nono, just you.

Aurora: Whaddyou mean?

Chandler: Lose the other guys.

Aurora: ...Like, ...all of them?

Chandler: C'mon, we're great together, why not?

Aurora: Why can't we just have what we have now? Why

can't we just talk, and laugh, and make love, without feeling unattainable
obligated to one another... and up until tonight I thought that's
what you wanted too.

Chandler: ...Well, y'know, part of me wants that, but it's like

I'm two guys, y'know? I mean, one guy's going 'Shut up! This
is great!' But there's this other guy. Actually it's the same guy
that wells up every time that Grinch's heart grows three sizes
and breaks that measuring device... And he's saying, y'know,
'This is too hard! Get out! Get out!'

Aurora: So... which one of the two guys will you listen to?

Chandler: I don't know, I-I have to listen to both of them,

they don't exactly let each other finish...

Aurora: Which one?

Chandler: ...The second guy.

Aurora: (gets up to leave) Well, call me if you change your

mind.

(She kisses him, he holds her, and kisses her passionately.)

Chandler: Sorry, the first guy runs the lips.

(She leaves, Chandler sighs, and falls back on his bed.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is trying to comfort

Chandler.  Joey is absent.]

Ross: Look at it this way: you dumped her. Right? I mean,

this woman was unbelievably sexy, and beautiful, intelligent,
unattainable... Tell me why you did this again?

(Joey enters.)

All: Hey!
Monica: Hey, waitwait, aren't you the guy that plays the butt
in the new Al Pacino movie?

Joey: Nope.

Ross: No? What happened, big guy?

Chandler: (to Ross) "Big guy?"

Ross: It felt like a 'big guy' moment.

Joey: I got fired.

All: Oh!

Joey: Yeah, they said I acted too much with it. I told
everybody about this! Now everybody's gonna go to the
theatre, expecting to see me, and...
strewn
Rachel: Oh, Joey, you know what, no-one is gonna be able to
tell. reckless
Joey: My mom will. haphazard
Chandler: Something so sweet and...disturbing about that.

Joey: Y'know, I've done nothing but crappy plays for six
years. And I finally get my shot, and I blow it!

Monica: Maybe this wasn't your shot.

Ross: Yeah, I mean... I think when it's your shot, y'know, you-
you know it's your shot. Did it... feel like your shot..?

Joey: Hard to tell, I was naked.

Phoebe: No, I don't think this was your shot. I mean, I don't
even think you just get one shot. I really believe big things are
gonna happen for you, I do! You've gotta just keep thinking
about the day that some kid is gonna run up to his friends and
go 'I got the part! I got the part! I'm gonna be Joey Tribbiani's
ass!'.

Joey: Yeah? That's so nice! (They hug.)

(Ross and Chandler look at each other and hug as well.)

Monica: I'm sorry, Joey. I'm gonna go to bed, guys.

All: Night.

Rachel: Uh, Mon, you-you gonna leave your shoes out here?

Monica: (determined) Uh-huh!

Rachel: Really? Just casually strewn about in that reckless

haphazard manner?

Monica: Doesn't matter, I'll get 'em tomorrow. Or not. Whenever.

(She goes to her room.)

Ross: She is a kook.

Closing Credits

[Scene: Monica's Bedroom, she's lying in bed wide awake.]

Monica: (hums for a while, then gives up, and in her head) If it
bothers you that much, just go out and get the shoes. No. Don't do
this. This is stupid! I don't have to prove anything, I'm gonna go get
them...But then everyone will know. Unless I get them, and then wake
up really early and put them back! ...I need help! (She buries her head
in her pillow.)

End