c




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m? What is Assertiveness?
m? 

nicating Assertively
m? Àeliefs Ab t Assertive Àehavi r
m? ractice Scenari s
m?   Assertive A
I? (Qiz)

Infants and y ng children have direct ays f
aking their needs and desires kn n. Àt as e
gr  lder, e tend t ad t less direct styles f c

nicating. Messages e receive fr

s ciety and significant e le in r lives see
t disc rage "
aking aves," hich sally is
n thing
re than
aking r needs and feelings kn n, directly and resectflly.

"
 c




S
e e le believe that assertiveness is the sa
e as aggressiveness, bt there are s
e very
basic differences. Assertive c

nicati n de
nstrates self-resect and self-c nfidence, in
additi n t aareness f and resect f r thers. It begins hen y  l k at the  rld fr
the
 siti n that y  are  rthhile and have rights AND that thers are als  rthhile and have
rights. Y  can take the f ll ing test t deter
ine hether y  are assertive, nassertive, r
aggressive.

[t 

 
 c






nicating assertively is exressing  sitive and negative feelings h nestly and directly. It
is based n the belief that y  have the right t be listened t and taken seri sly, t say n
ith t feeling gilty, t ask f r hat y  ant, t
ake
istakes. At the sa
e ti
e, y 
ackn ledge that the ther ers n has identical rights. Àecase y  are c

nicating h nestly
and enly, y r relati nshis bec
e
ch
re genine.

S
eti
es it is difficlt t learn t c

nicate assertively. Y 
ay g t the  site

extre
e and exress y rself in an accsing r angry
anner. Àec
ing assertive--like any
ther skill--takes ti
e and ractice. It is i
 rtant t nderstand that assertive c

nicati n
d es n t garantee that e le ill agree ith y  r that y  ill alays get hat y  ant. It
d es, h ever, enhance y r self-resect and i
r ve y r chances f r enj yable relati nshis.

The key t c

nicating assertively is t exress y rself clearly, ith t bla
ing r jdging
the ther ers n. An acceted and r ven
eth d f r acc
lishing this is sing the "I Feel"

essage f r
at:

W N... Objectively describe the ther ers n's behavi r.

T N... Describe the effect f the behavi r n y .

I F
... Na
e an e
ti n. D n t accse r bla
e. Av id exressing th ghts rather than

e
ti ns (e.g., "I feel that").

I  F ... Describe the behavi r y  ant/refer.

"W ld y  be illing t ...?"

earning this style f c

nicati n ill r bably feel akard at first, bt s did learning t
ride a bike. The f ll ing exa
les
ay hel y  t feel
re c
f rtable ith the "I feel"
f r
at:

"Y 're s inc nsiderate!" can be rehrased as

"W N y  d n t call
e hen y  say y  ill, (T N) I i
agine that s
ething bad has
haened t revent y  fr
calling. I F
scared and anxi s. I WANT/ I WOU
D
 F  that y  call, even c llect, hen y  say y  ill."

"Y 're sch a sl b!" can be rehrased as "W N y  d n't t things aay after sing the
,
(T N) I end  d ing it and I F
really resentfl. WOU
D YOU À WI

ING t hel in
keeing things in their r er st rage laces?"

"D n't alk aay fr

e!" can be rehrased as W N y  get  and alk aay hile I'

talking t y , (T N) I ass
e that y  aren't interested in hat's i
 rtant t
e. I F
hrt
and ign red. I WOU
D  F  that y  give
e and r c nversati n y r fll attenti n."

Assertive c

nicati n inv lves ackn ledging the feelings f the ther ers n, ith t
necessarily agreeing t d hat the ther ers n is asking. F r exa
le, i
agine y  are
standing in a line at the st re. S
e ne behind y  has ne ite
and asks t get in fr nt f y .
Y  res nd, "I realize that y  d n't ant t ait in line, bt I as here first and I really  ld
like t get t f here."

Y  can ractice the "I Feel"
essage f r
at by rehrasing the f ll ing
essages:

"I can never c nt n y  t d hat y  tell
e y  ill d ."

es nd t this scenari : Y  are facing a deadline and really need t  rk n y r r ject.
Y r friends tell y , "
e n and g ith s. Y  can d y r h
e rk later."

"I already t ld y  I c ldn't hel y  t t night.
eave
e al ne!"

"Get ff
y back!"

"Y  never listen t
e hen I'
talking t y ."

"St  interrting
e."

"Y  never areciate all I d f r y ."

"Gee, hat a srrise. Y 're nly an h r late this ti
e."

"Yeah, I gess I can take care f y r kids t night."

[t 

À

 cc

À



S
eti
es e le have difficlty being assertive becase f certain beliefs they have. Are there
beliefs that y  have that s
eti
es revent y  fr
behaving assertively? Y 
ay believe
that ther e le's rights and feelings are
re i
 rtant than y r n. Y 
ay fear that ther
e le ill be ffended if y  are assertive. Àeing assertive
ay change the natre f s
e f
y r relati nshis, and that
ay case y  c ncern. Or erhas y  believe that y  are n t
i
 rtant en gh t deserve t exress y r needs and feelings. What are s
e beliefs y  have
that
ay revent y  fr
being assertive? Of c rse, it's n t necessary t alays be assertive.
Y  can ch se hether t be assertive in a given sitati n by asking y rself h  i
 rtant the
isse is t y , h  y  ill feel afterard, and h 
ch the c nseqences f assertiveness
ill "c st" y . Àe realistic-- d n't scare y rself ith irrati nal ass
ti ns r nlikely
r babilities.

One f y r rights is t say "n " ith t having t r vide an excse. Y  d n't have t have
reas ns r ansers, and y  d n't have t have s lti ns t thers' r ble
s. If the ther ers n
c ntines t ress y  t c
ly ith the reqest, y  can se the "br ken rec rd"
eth d. This
inv lves e
athizing ith the ther ers n bt c ntining t fir
ly say "n ."

[t 
 

 

 

m? A g d friend calls and tells y  that he/she deserately needs y  t canvass y r

aart
ent c
lex f r a charity. Y  d n t ant t d it.
m? Y  are  rking n a tea
r ject ith an ther stdent, bt y  are d ing all the
lanning and rearati n.
m? (F r 
en) A
an asks y  f r a date. Y  have dated hi
nce bef re and are n t
interested in dating hi
again.
m? Y r arents are talking t y  n the h ne and  ld like y  t c
e h
e f r a visit
n a eekend hen y  have
ade ther lans.
m? Y  and a friend have lanned t vacati n t gether, bt the lans are abrtly changed by
y r friend and re rted t y  ver the h ne.
m? Y r servis r at  rk has jst reri
anded y  f r y r  rk. Dring a h ne call,
y r r

ate has interrted y  three ti
es ith s
ething that is n t rgent. Sitting
in the r  behind y  at the
vie is a y ng c le ith their infant, h begins t cry.
m? A friend kn cks n y r d r dring y r fav rite TV sh --the nly ne y  give
y rself er
issi n t atch dring the eek--and asks if y  are bsy.
m? A friend has asked y  t j in her and s
e ther friends in a service r ject.
m? Y  are feeling really stressed by  rk, sch l, and extracrriclar evening
c

it
ents.
m? Y 
ade an a int
ent t talk ith y r nglish r fess r c ncerning s
e
difficlties y  are having in class. Y  call hi
the day f the a int
ent t c nfir
,
and he says he is execting y . U n arriving at his ffice, y  find hi
talking ith
an ther stdent. Y r r fess r asks if y   ld c
e back in an h r.

[t 

c

c

1. T F I a
able t rec gnize and exress
y g d  ints.

2. T F I ften brag and
ake nrealistic clai
s ab t
y g d  ints.

3. T F I feel gilty hen I stand  f r
y rights r exress
y feelings.

4. T F I s
eti
es
ake ther e le l k r feel stid, s
all, r afraid.

. T F I let ther e le take nfair advantage f
e.

6. T F I d n t exress
y vies and feelings.

7. T F I ften ign re an ther ers n's rights.

8. T F I a
able t exress negative feelings ab t ther e le and hat they d ith t
being absive r crel.

9. T F Freqently I take nfair advantage f ther e le.

10. T F I a
able t receive c
li
ents ith t denying the
.

11. T F I have difficlty saying "n " hen I d n t ant t say "yes" t s
e ne's reqest.

12. T F I ften
ake nreas nable de
ands f ther e le.

13. T F I sally stand  f r
y n rights and let ther e le d the sa
e.

14. T F I ften
n  lize c nversati ns.

1. T F I have difficlty
aking reas nable reqests f ther e le.

16. T F I a
able t start r carry n c nversati ns c
f rtably.

17. T F I have difficlty rec gnizing and exressing
y g d  ints.

18. T F I rarely stand  f r
y rights.

19. T F I can ask f r hat is rightflly
ine.

20. T F I can take criticis
ith t bec
ing defensive.

21. T F S
eti
es I bec
e hysically r verbally absive hen I a
angry ith

s
e ne r hen I a
criticizing s
e ne.

22. T F I can easily exress  sitive feelings ab t ther e le and hat they d .

23. T F I cann t c
f rtably start r carry n c nversati ns.

 24. T F I sally feel g d at first ab t getting
y ay bt feel gilty later as a reslt f
h  I ent ab t it.

T deter
ine y r characteristic style f c

nicati n, c nt the n
ber f "tre" res nses
in each f the three categ ries. "Tre" res nses t ite
s 3, , 6, 11, 1, 17, 18, and 24 indicate
nassertive c

nicati n. "Tre" res nses t ite
s 2, 4, 7, 9, 12, 14, 21, and 23 are
characteristic f aggressive c

nicati n. "Tre" res nses t ite
s 1, 8, 10, 13, 16, 19, 20,
and 22 signify assertive c

nicati n.

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?
?

? ?

? [

The term 'assertiveness' is often ?

? " 



misunderstood. Consequently, to understand
? "

 
the concept and purpose of assertiveness
? "  
training, it is important to understand what
? À

 assertiveness is ñ
.
? c


? [
Assertiveness training does ñ
teach the
?

 
student to be aggressive, loud, or bullying,
? Ê [
 ?

although it may well help them to stand up to ?

?

those who are. Assertiveness is not about

trying to dominate others: it is a more a
matter of resisting those who seek to

?? dominate and manipulate you.
?
?
? ?
If well-taught, assertiveness training can help ?


??
? the student recognise when they are being ?


?? ??

 ? abused or manoeuvred for someone else's benefit, and how to resist such
?? treatment effectively 
 
becoming angry and aggressive. It emphasises the
value of clear, calm, frank communication as a means of establishing relationships
in which everyone knows where they stand and no-one feels ill-used.
? ?

Assertiveness training can help those who have previously suffered in silence to
speak up for themselves, and many students on assertiveness training courses are
people who have suffered a loss of self-confidence due to destructive
relationships in their personal or working lives. However, not all assertiveness
training students are people who feel downtrodden and abused. Some people in
positions of authority seek assertiveness training in order to learn how to
persuade people to do as they wish without having to become a bully.

Assertiveness training as a method of personal development grew in popularity

during the 1980s and 1990s, and the subject is now taught in many universities
and colleges. Initially, it was seen primarily as a 'woman's subject' and associated
with feminism, with the assertiveness training viewed as a means for women to
escape from traditional, submissive female roles. The majority of assertiveness
training students are still women, but over the years an increasing number of men
have discovered its benefits.


 
 c



Many of the ideas now associated with assertiveness training were first proposed
in Manuel J Smith's book "ñ
 
, published in 1975. The book
explains that assertiveness is largely about expressing oneself clearly and resisting
manipulation. It proclaims a ten-point 'Bill of Assertive Rights', all based around
one key principle: 


ñ
  





 ñ  ñ

ñ

 

The 'Bill of Assertive Rights' in "ñ

 
 reads as follows:

1.? èou have the right to judge your own behaviour, thoughts, and emotions,
and to take the responsibility for their initiation and consequences upon
yourself.
2.? èou have the right to offer no reasons or excuses for justifying your
behaviour.
3.? èou have the right to judge if you are responsible for finding solutions to
other people's problems.
4.? èou have the right to change your mind.
5.? èou have the right to make mistakes - and be responsible for them.
6.? èou have the right to say, 'I don't know'.
7.? èou have the right to be independent of the goodwill of others before
coping with them.
8.? èou have the right to be illogical in making decisions.
9.? èou have the right to say, 'I don't understand'.
10.? èou have the right to say, 'I don't care'.

Smith's book explains that anger and fear induce automatic physiological
responses that inhibit clear thinking and articulate verbal responses:

"ñ  

ñ 


 




 



  
ñ
ñ

 




 



 ñ 
 ñ

ñ
 ñ


[


[
 c

Fear is an essential warning mechanism. It is neither practicable nor desirable to
eliminate all anxiety and apprehension from life, but we cannot be assertive if we
let fear overwhelm us. The challenge for the assertive person is that made in the
title of the 1991 book by Susan Jeffers that has become another of the standard
reference works in assertiveness training: 
!ñ" 
!ñ
.

Jeffers writes of the liberating realisation that: 'Not only am I going to experience
fear whenever I'm on unfamiliar territory, but so is everyone else.' It therefore
follows that personal growth cannot be accomplished without overcoming fear,
since the exploration of 'unfamiliar territory' ² learning new skills, meeting new
people, having new experiences ² is an essential component of personal
development.

Jeffers also notes that 'The only way to get rid of the fear of doing something is to
go out and do it.' In other words, by confronting challenges that have frightened
us in the past, we can remove their power to intimidate us and thus build up our
self-confidence and self esteem.

c






Assertiveness training involves the learning of skills and techniques for resisting
manipulation and coping with criticism. Three of the key assertive techniques are
Broken Record, Fogging and Negative Assertion.




Broken record derives its name from the days before CDs, when vinyl was the
dominant medium for audio reproduction. A faulty or dirty vinyl disc might 'stick'
and repeat the same short snatch of music over and over again until the stylus
was lifted from it. In the broken record technique, a request is repeated over and
over again until the desired response is obtained or a workable compromise is
reached. Attempts at distraction or changing the subject are resisted.

In the context of h2g2, it might work something like this:




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ñ 

Researcher A politely but firmly repeats the request, reminds Researcher B of the
obligation, and refuses to be deflected from the point by B's attempts to bring in
other factors. Eventually, with a little workable compromising, A gets the desired
response and a mutually-acceptable plan is agreed upon.

[
Imagine that one day, when you were out walking, a thick fog descended and left
you unsure of which way to turn. èou might feel frustrated or angry, but there'd
be nothing you could do to the fog to relieve the frustration. Punching the fog,
throwing missiles at it or cursing it would leave it unaffected. This explains the
name of one of the key techniques taught in assertiveness training. Fogging
requires some self-control, but it can be devastatingly effective. This will have
been discovered accidentally by many people who work in jobs that involve a lot
of contact with the general public, many of whom must surely practice fogging
regularly without being aware of the term.

Fogging involves training yourself to stay calm in the face of criticism, and
agreeing with whatever may be fair and useful in it. By refusing to be provoked
and upset by criticism, you remove its destructive power. Why, after all, should
you crave someone else's complete approval, when doing so gives them power
over you? After all, the 'Bill Of Assertive Rights' grants you the right to cope with
people without necessarily enjoying their goodwill.

So, for instance, if someone calls you stupid, you can agree that sometimes you
are. After all, everyone does foolish things sometimes. 'Stupid' is a relative term,
and you probably
 unintelligent if compared to, say, Professor Stephen
Hawking. If someone criticises your work, you can probably agree that it could be
better. Even if it's already pretty good, there's likely to be some way in which you
could make it better still.

The point of fogging is that it robs your critic's words of their destructive power.
While superficially it may seem like a submissive strategy, it is in fact assertive
because of what it implies. By refusing to become upset or angry in the face of
criticism, you're denying your critic the satisfaction of seeing you being
intimidated and disempowered. If they're just trying to bully you, and their words
don't overpower you, there's a good chance that they'll turn their attentions to
someone else who's easier to intimidate.

Phrases typically used when fogging include: 'That could be true', 'èou're probably
right'. 'Sometimes I think so myself', 'I agree', 'That's true', 'èou're right' and 'èou
have a point there.' A phrase that is ñ used when fogging, but is constantly
implied, is: 'So what?'

p

c

But what if the person who's complaining has valid, specific points to make about
how you can improve? Well, then you can use negative assertion. This simply
means agreeing with those parts of the criticism that are valid, but without
allowing yourself to become consumed by guilt and self-loathing.

So if they tell you that you're homework's late and it  late, admit it. Just say
'èes, you're right. I need to organise my time better' - or words to that effect.
Then change your behaviour if you want to, or don't change if you don't want to -
but either way, don't beat yourself up just because you've been criticised.

Another form of negative assertion is simply owning up to your mistakes before

anyone's even taken you to task for them: for instance, by turning up late at the
office and simply saying 'Hi, I'm late'. In that situation, you are acknowledging
that there's a problem and accepting responsibility for the situation, which should
count in your favour with any bosses or colleagues who are annoyed with you. An
example of this kind of negative assertion on h2g2 would be the Researcher who
goes to Editorial Feedback to admit that they made a mistake in their Edited
Entry before anyone else had spotted it.

Assertiveness training teaches that it's also important to acknowledge

compliments, and accept them if you believe them to be sincere (rather than
manipulative buttering-up) and agree with the nice things that are being said
about you. The really important thing is that, at all times, you are the ultimate
judge of your own behaviour.


Another useful skill taught in assertiveness training classes is the technique for
framing complaints or requests known as DESC Scripting.

The acronym 'DESC' stands for 'escribe, xpress, pecify, onsequences'. In the
'Describe' part of the DESC script, you say what seems to you to be happening. In
the 'Express' part, you say how it's making you feel. In the 'Specify' part, you say
what you'd like to happen. Finally, in the 'Consequences' part, you say what will
happen if you don't get what you want.

So, for instance, you might tell your flatmate:

m? 'èou're playing your Britney Spears CD really loud again.' (escription)

m? 'It's really getting on my nerves, and distracting me while I'm trying to
write my Guide entry.' (xpress how you feel.)
m? 'I'd like you to turn it down, please.' (pecify what you want to happen.)
m? 'If you don't, I'll play some Radiohead with the volume cranked up later
while you're trying to watch ÀÀ
.' (Say what the onsequences will
be if your request is not met.)

The onsequences bit of the DESC Script need not be a negative sanction. Often it
can be more effective to use a positive inducement. So the onsequences section
in the above example might be: 'And then I'll get us a pizza when I've finished the
Guide entry' instead. èou could also offer a less tangible inducement - for
instance: 'And then I think we'll get along better'.

  c  

An assertiveness training course is also likely to include some tuition in the
analysis of human interaction and the roles people play. Transactional Analysis,
developed by Eric Berne, is one method of examinining relationships that is now
 commonly used in assertive training and other psychology-related courses, and
many UK universities and colleges also offer courses entirely devoted to
transactional analysis itself.

The central idea of transactional analysis is that human beings have three basic
'ego-states': parent, adult and child. People move between these three ego-
states, or states of mind, whether or not they are in fact parents, children or
adults.

The Parent ego-state is based on the instructions a person received during the
earliest years of their life. When in the parent ego-state later in life, they'll
unconsciously replay the tone and/or content of the instructions they got from
adult authority figures as a young child. Consequently, they'll try to guide and
control others' behaviour, either with good intentions or with the intention of
manipulating their subject to their own advantage. The adult ego-state is a more
analytical mode of thinking and behaviour, based upon analysis of personal
experience. The child ego-state is that of the uncomprehending infant, reacting
to experiences in an emotional, instinctive, non-analytical way. When in the child
state, a person is likely to be dependent, looking to others to tell them what to
do and fulfil their needs, though they may also be playful and creative.

We often switch between the different ego-states unconsciously in response to

others' behaviour. If someone is in the child ego-state, and is behaving irrationally
in a way that obstructs our aims, we may slip into the parent ego-state and try to
control them - for instance, by telling someone to stop being noisy when you're
trying to work. While this might achieve the short-term goal of getting you some
peace from what you perceive as their prattling, it's not the sort of exchange that
builds mutually respectful and constructive relationships. Transactional analysis
training can help the student to recognise their own different ego-states, so that
they can understand their own behaviour better and try to avoid the traps
associated with each ego-state. It aims to promote interaction between people
based on the attitude of mutual respect neatly encapsulated in the title of the
best-selling book that first brought transactional analysis to a mass audience in
the late 1960s: Thomas A Harris' )*  )*.

Transactional analysis examines the effects of the equal and unequal exchanges
people have when in different ego-states. It emphasises the importance of a
person's early development on subsequent behaviour, suggesting that
dysfunctional behaviour can be the result of a 'life script' learned in early
childhood. Examining and, where necessary, changing, the life script is the aim of
transactional analysis psychotherapy. Replacing destructive 'life-scripting' with
something more conducive to co-operative and mutually beneficial relationships is
among the aims of other applications of transactional analysis - such as its use in
assertiveness training.

[

 
For more on this subject, see this online guide to assertiveness.
?