Not Nice

© 2017, Dr. Aziz Gazipura

All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof my not be reproduced or
used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the
publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.
Published by B. C. Allen Publishing and Tonic Books 1500 SE Hawthorne Blvd.
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[email protected]
Printed in the United States of America First Printing, 2017
ISBN: 978-0-9889798-7-1
Neigther the publisher nor the author are engaged in rendering professional
advice or services to the individual reader. The ideas, procedures, and
suggestions contained in this book are not intended as a substitute for
consulting with your physician or licensed mental health professional. All
matters regarding your health require medical supervision. Neither the authors
nor the publisher shall be liable or responsible for any loss or damage allegedly
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Dr. Aziz Gazipura
The Center For Social Confidence http://SocialConfidenceCenter.com
Thank you Elliot for teaching me new rules to live by.
Thank you Tony for showing me the power of massive, bold
action.
Thank you Christian for helping me get out of my head
and into my body.
Thank you Mom and Dad for your devotion
and unconditional support.
Thank you Zaim and Arman for showing me how
to love unconditionally.
Thank you Al for seeing me bigger than I could ever see
myself.
Thank you Candace for bringing me profound joy and being
my half-side on this magical journey.
Thank you Great Spirit for this incredible gift of life. May I
open fully, hold nothing back, and give more than I receive.
ALSO BY DR. AZIZ GAZIPURA
 
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Rejection-Proof: 5 Ways To Become Unfazed By Rejection
Confidence Training Programs: The Confidence
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 CONTENTS
INTRODUCTION: Driven by Fear Not Virtue
CHAPTER 1: What Is Nice?
CHAPTER 2: Please Like Me
CHAPTER 3: Guilt Bubble
CHAPTER 4: Don’t Be Mad
CHAPTER 5: The High Cost of Nice
CHAPTER 6: Operation: Liberate
CHAPTER 7: Have Boundaries
CHAPTER 8: Own Your Shadow
CHAPTER 9: Speak Up
CHAPTER 10: Be More Selfish
CHAPTER 11: Say No
CHAPTER 12: Increase Your Discomfort Tolerance
CHAPTER 13: Choose Your Rules
CHAPTER 14: 100% You
CHAPTER 15: Your BTB 30-Day Action Plan
EPILOGUE: Not Nice in Action
NICE VERSUS NOT NICE – QUICK REFERENCE GUIDE

NICE NOT NICE

You feel a strong need to be liked by

You don’t feel a need to control other’s
everyone. Being disliked makes you
perceptions to feel secure.
very uncomfortable.
You typically put others first (self- You take care of yourself first when
sacrificing). needed, acting with healthy self-interest.
You support others when possible, while
You feel overly responsible for
knowing each person is fully responsible
everyone’s feelings.
for their own feelings.
You honestly and lovingly express your
You experience chronic guilt and fear
true self, even though it sometimes
of hurting others.
leads to painful feelings.
You freely speak your mind without the
You hide your opinions to avoid
need to convince others or make them
friction.
wrong.
You share your grievances directly while
You rarely express upset directly. taking ownership for your feelings
instead of blaming.
You easily say no when you want to. And
You often don’t say “no” to others,
you say no when you need to, even
even when you want to.
though it’s hard.
You avoid asking for what you want You vulnerably express your wishes and
directly. desires.
You jump in early, speak freely, and trust
You hesitate to speak up until it’s
in yourself. You choose authentic over
“the right thing” to share.
perfect.
You prefer to conform with others, You stand up for what you believe in,
even if you internally disagree. even when it creates friction.
You highly value what you think, feel,
You dismiss your own perception and
and believe. It matters because you
experience as insignificant.
matter.
You value other’s opinions of you You know yourself better than others and
more than your own. easily brush off negative comments.
You contribute your gifts fully with
You constantly worry if it was “good
unfettered boldness and fierce
enough.”
determination.
NICE NOT NICE

You seek deep connection, authentic self-

You seek safety in life. expression, love, growth, and meaningful
contribution.
You live in fear. You are the most powerful version of you.
 INTRODUCTION:

DRIVEN BY FEAR,
NOT VIRTUE
Nice is good, right?
It means you’re caring, you don’t hurt people, and you do
the right thing. You put others first, avoid saying critical or
mean things, and try to make others feel happy. Of course,
this is all good, right?
Well, maybe…
After fourteen years of clinical experience, working with
thousands of people from all different cultures, I began to
question this assumption. In fact, I saw that clients who
were trying the hardest to be nice people also felt the most
anxious, guilty, and frustrated. They had difficulty standing
up for themselves, felt obligated to please others, and
worried about what people thought of them. They couldn’t
directly ask for what they wanted, freely say “no” when it
was the right thing to do, or openly disagree with others’
opinions, even though they had strong, well-developed
beliefs. In short, they were trapped in a cage of niceness
that prevented them from being their real selves.
That’s when I started to realize that there was a problem
with nice. That it was different than kindness, compassion,
and love. It wasn’t necessarily the same thing as being a
good person. In fact, I started to question if being less nice
actually allowed us to be more kind, generous, and loving
people.
This idea was so opposed to what I grew up believing
that, at first, I couldn’t buy it. I thought it was important to
put others first and prided myself on never showing that I
was angry. I thought being considerate was a good thing,
and the world didn’t need more selfish people. But then I
started to study nice, first in myself, and then in my clients,
and I discovered something fascinating. Being nice does
not come out of goodness or high morals. It comes
out of a fear of displeasing others and receiving their
disapproval. It’s driven by fear, not virtue. In fact, I
discovered that being nice can make us secretly less loving
and more burnt out over time as we stray further and
further from our authentic selves.
You may have noticed this pattern as well. In fact, if
you’re picking up a book called “Not Nice,” then you must
recognize that there is some flaw in our cultural
assumption that nice is good, and more nice is better.
Perhaps inside you too are feeling stressed out,
overwhelmed, anxious, irritated, or guilty much of the time.
Maybe being nice is blocking you from standing up for
yourself, being honest with others, creating deeper
relationships, or boldly expressing yourself in the world.
But, to be less nice, or even worse, not nice? How could
you do such a thing? Isn’t it wrong?
That’s where I come in. As you’ll see in the pages that
follow, niceness and people-pleasing were my story, my
cage, my curse. I know how hard it can be to break free
from the tentacles of guilt and fear that keep us in
niceness. I know how strong the commands of that inner
voice can be. The one that tells us we’re so bad for hurting
someone’s feelings or saying no. That others will be upset
with us for speaking our minds, or leave us for being
honest.
Despite what that voice of fear and doubt says, more is
possible for you. It’s possible to regain your freedom to
express yourself, to say “no” and ask for what you want
without guilt, and to unapologetically be yourself without
all the worry about how others will react. As you do, life
becomes better and better, and all your relationships
thrive. You are able to find and create lasting love, form
deep and fulfilling friendships, and become a powerful
leader in your career.
Breaking out of the niceness cage, however, is not a
simple brute force move. You don’t just smash the side of
the prison wall with a bulldozer and run free. Instead,
finding your way out of niceness is more like maneuvering
your way out of a straitjacket. You must wrestle with the
old, long-standing beliefs that bound you with stories that
it’s bad to ask for what you want, or that you’re selfish for
saying no.
Part I of this book is dedicated to helping you see what
nice really is and the toll that living this way is taking on
you. As you see just how rooted in fear our nice patterns
are, and how it’s different from being a good and loving
person, you’ll naturally let go of the old beliefs that don’t
serve you. In these chapters you’ll be wriggling around,
pulling some Houdini moves to get out of your straitjacket.
In Part II, you will discover the five pillars of Not Nice:
Have Boundaries, Own Your Shadow, Speak Up, Say No,
and Be More Selfish. You will learn dozens of tools and
strategies that you can use immediately to let go of guilt,
fear, and hesitation. You’ll discover exactly how to speak for
yourself, say no, ask for what you want, and take care of
yourself without guilt and anxiety. These chapters are a
powerful force for liberation that will unlock a profound
sense of freedom and joy.
Part III is about living life on your terms. As you shed nice
patterns that don’t serve you or others, you’ll need to
reclaim who you really are. You’ll decide what is right for
you, how you want to live, and determine your own rules.
You will become the director of your life.
And Part IV, that’s about action. Activities, games, and
other fun exercises are strategically placed throughout the
book to get you into action right away. This final section
will give you a clear step-by-step framework to put
everything you learned into practice. You’ll also get to read
some intriguing, funny, and sometimes painfully awkward
stories from my own life about applying Not Nice as I wrote
this book.
I am so glad you’re here with me, and I’m so excited for
you. Going from nice and restricted to bold and authentic
can transform all aspects of your life. It unlocks power,
freedom, and happiness. It reawakens the lightness and joy
you had as a kid, and it allows you to truly enjoy deep,
fulfilling relationships with friends, colleagues, and the love
of your life.
I can’t wait to see what the future has in store for you.
With Love and Gratitude,
Dr. Aziz
Portland, Oregon
2017
 PART I:
WHAT’S WRONG WITH NICE?
 CHAPTER 1:

WHAT IS NICE?
What is nice? It’s a word we all know and use, but rarely
stop to think about. Let’s begin by seeing your initial
responses to the word. I’m going to ask you a few
questions. Take a moment to pause after each one to notice
your immediate answer—the first thing that pops into your
mind.
Are you a nice person?
Would other people describe you using that word?
What’s your gut reaction to being nice? Is it positive?
Something to aspire to? Or is it negative?
As you reflect on these questions, I would like to share
something with you. Actually, it’s a confession. Something
that may not be popular or right in the eyes of the world.
My goal is to get you to stop being nice. Not only that, I
want you to change how you see nice so it’s no longer a
good thing. No longer something you want to try to be
anymore. My goal is for your internal reaction to change so
that when you hear nice, instead of an inner “Ooh, that’s
good,” you think, “Eww, no thank you.”
Yes, I’m trying to influence you. To persuade you. Not for
my sake, but for yours. Because as you’ll discover in the
pages to come, one of the biggest traps of niceness is the
pressure to stay nice. It’s the idea that being a nice person
is the same thing as being a good person. And behind that
is the fear that if you’re less nice, or if you aren’t nice all
the time, then you are selfish, bad, wrong, and terrible.
That you should feel guilty and ashamed of yourself. Eww.
No thank you.
Now, I know that’s a bold claim, and may be a tough sell.
You probably have the same beliefs I did: nice is good. That
it’s the same as kindness, compassion, generosity, and
being loving towards others. That’s why we need to start
with defining nice, showing what it really is, and how it’s
different from all these other positive virtues.
Let’s get clear.
 NICE DEFINED
Let’s say you and I were heading to a dinner party together.
You were my guest and you didn’t know anyone else who
was going to be there. As we were driving to the party, just
as we pulled towards the house, imagine I turned to you
and said, “Hey, when we get in there, be nice, OK?”
What would that mean to you? How would it change your
behavior?
Perhaps you’d greet everyone with a smile, or try to be
warm and enthusiastic. Maybe you’d appear to be
interested in what people were saying, grin, and nod a lot.
Maybe you’d laugh at the jokes and remarks people made,
even if you didn’t get them.
You might also avoid certain things. Perhaps you’d avoid
interrupting, or speaking up before someone asked you a
question. Maybe you’d restrain yourself and not make big
gestures, speak up fully, or laugh loudly. If you were
heeding my request, you most certainly would not bring up
controversial topics, ask probing questions, or challenge
others.
You’d be, you know, nice.
Does any of this sound familiar to you? Do you do any of
these things on a regular basis, even if no one asks you to?
It might be something you unconsciously tell yourself all
the time.
And here’s the really fascinating part. When you’re at this
party, trying to be nice, what are you focusing on? Are you
in the moment, speaking freely, spontaneously asking what
you’re most curious about, and being fully engaged? Or are
you observing yourself and others’ reactions? Are you
watching your language, and how others react to you,
analyzing the situation? Did they like that? Was it funny
enough? Those two laughed, but she seems a little irritated
by me. That guy by the drinks was completely disinterested
in me. I wonder what I did that pissed him off?
This is what being nice is. It’s monitoring yourself to
make sure you come across in a pleasing manner and don’t
offend anyone. It’s making sure others like you and don’t
have any negative feelings. No upset, confusion, boredom,
irritation, sadness, hurt, anger, or fear. No discomfort
whatsoever. Just happy, positive, approving thoughts and
feelings.
At its core, being nice is about being liked by others
by making everything smooth. No waves, no friction.
It’s based on this (woefully inaccurate) theory: If I please
others, give them everything they want, keep a low profile,
and don’t ruffle feathers or create any discomfort, then
others will like me, love me, and shower me with approval
and anything else I want (promotions, sales, friendships,
dates, sex, attention).
This theory is bunk. It’s an inaccurate map of human
relationships. And like any inaccurate map, if you follow it,
you will not get where you want to go. You will be lost.
That, my friend, is what nice really is.
Let’s pause for a moment. Take a breath. What are you
noticing in your mind and your body? Is this resonating
with you? Are you having insights about yourself and how
you show up in the world? Are you noticing where you’re
holding yourself back to avoid disapproval or discomfort in
yourself or others?
Are you skeptical? Is part of your mind saying “Yeah,
but...”?
But isn’t it good to be polite?
I’m not going to bring up something offensive.
Are you saying I should start being a jerk or an asshole?
 No. Well, actually, yes. Because there’s probably many
things you would say and do when you are fully confident,
authentic, expressive and free, that the inhibited part of
you would judge as being “a jerk” or “bad.”
That’s just old fear-based nice conditioning. Don’t worry,
we’ll get to that. But let’s take a second to clarify this
question about being nice versus being a jerk.
THE OPPOSITE OF NICE
The opposite of nice is not to be a jerk, or an asshole. It’s
not insulting others, saying bigoted or highly antagonizing
things, bullying, or attacking people’s characters. It’s not
telling others to “shut up,” intimidating them, or pushing
your little old grandma over in the kitchen.
The opposite of nice is being real. It’s being direct,
honest, and truthful. It’s saying what you really think,
expressing how you really feel, and sharing what’s true for
you in that moment. This authenticity allows others to see
and know the real you, which allows you to really feel love
and connection.
Not nice means speaking up and asserting yourself, your
opinions, ideas, and desires. It’s challenging others when
you disagree, standing behind your convictions, and being
willing to have difficult conversations. You do this because
you want full contact with life and other humans instead of
hiding who you are behind a polite wall of fear. When you
do have conflict or disagreement, and you inevitably will if
you’re being not nice, then you are as vulnerable, skillful,
and compassionate as you can be in your communications.
The opposite of nice is knowing who you are, what you
believe in, and what you value. It’s you being powerful and
going after what you want because you are no longer held
back by the fear of what others will think of you. It’s you
being fierce, determined, and courageous. It’s you being
your best self.
That means you are still kind, caring, attentive, generous,
and loving. You still do things for other people, stretch
yourself to give, even if it’s hard, and be the kind of leader,
mother, father, wife, husband, daughter, son, sister, brother,
or friend that you want to be.
 But you’re not doing that to please others. You’re not
doing that so no one ever feels a hint of discomfort. You’re
not living in fear of what others will think, in self-doubt, in
“Was that good enough?” and “Did everyone there like
me?”
You come from a place of power. Of choice. Your inner
mindset starts to sound like this:
I can choose to say yes, and I can choose to say no. I can
hold back and keep quiet, or I can ask a tough question
that challenges someone. If someone close to me is doing
something that annoys me, I can bring it up and talk about
it. When I really want something and the first response I
get is a no, I ask questions and see if the other person is
open to changing their mind. I’m completely free to choose
exactly how I want to be in this moment, based on what
feels right to me. I am the decider. I am the creator of my
life.
I no longer avoid, walk on eggshells, tiptoe around, or do
the dance.
I am me. The real me. And it feels good. I feel powerful. I
feel free. I feel worthy.
This is the opposite of nice.
If you’re still questioning how this all works, and how
being “not nice” can actually be a good thing, you’ll see
exactly how soon. In fact, you’ll discover that the more you
let go of being nice, the more kind, generous, and truly
loving you can be. Because fear, guilt,
obligation, and distracting self-consciousness don’t make
you a more loving person; they create tension and
resentment that limit your ability to truly give and love.
 THE NICEST GUY
YOU’LL EVER MEET
I understand the urge to be nice. I know how strong the
invisible forces of guilt and fear can be. How difficult it can
be to push through this to say what you really want, and
express what you really think and feel. I also know how all-
consuming the backlash of anxiety and guilt can be after
you’ve been more direct, expressive, honest, or assertive.
Being the nice guy was part of my identity for a long time.
In middle school, I started my quest to get everyone to like
me. Not consciously, of course. I didn’t wake up one
morning and think to myself: OK, Aziz. Remember! You must
get everyone to like you today!
Instead, I just began to worry about how I was viewed by
others. Do these people like me? Do they want to be my
friend? Do girls think I’m cute? Are my shorts the right
length? Are my socks the right height?
I wanted to blend in. Be cool. Never be criticized,
ridiculed, or rejected. Ever. And so, I began to sculpt my
personality to avoid disapproval. If someone who I thought
was cool or popular said something funny, I laughed. If
people made fun of me for doing something, I stopped
doing it. I wore the same clothes everyone else wore,
changed the music I listened to, and talked just like
everyone else. Boxers are cool and briefs (a.k.a. “tighty
whities”) are not? I got rid of them. Alternative music sucks
and gangster rap is where it’s at? I bought new CDs.
But even though I tried to change everything on the
outside, I still had all kinds of uncool things in my house. I
remember having my friends Tim and Mark come over to
my house in seventh grade, and beforehand I would spend
at least fifteen minutes scanning the entire house, hiding
anything they could make fun of me for.
I made sure nothing could be used against me. No
evidence of me being who I really was and what I really
liked.
Now I understand that this story is typical; most people
try to fit in with their peers during adolescence. But this
seed of social anxiety and niceness continued to grow in my
life. As I became interested in women and dating, I
experienced an oppressive layer of fear that prevented me
from approaching and chatting with the young women
around me. I was so worried about their perception of me,
that I avoided most interactions entirely. If I did engage, I
felt nervous, silly, and ungrounded.
For years, women didn’t seem attracted to me. My people-
pleasing and excessive niceness repelled them, although I
didn’t know this at the time. I thought it was because I was
not cool enough, strong enough, tall enough. Too ugly, too
boring, too nerdy.
This negative identity didn’t just exist in my dating life; I
perceived myself as socially unskilled, awkward, and
unworthy of a large circle of friends. Speaking up, standing
out, and being a leader of any form was out of the question.
This continued year after year. I saw my future as
confined and limited. I started to talk myself into being OK
with settling. I’m just not the kind of guy who’s going to
have a relationship, or much success in life.
Then, one night, I reached a breaking point. I was a
senior in college, finishing the time in my life that movies
told me was supposed to be a crazy adventure of parties
and hot dates. My life was no such thing. Instead, my world
was safe, small: going to class, being with friends, and
playing lots of video games.
To my credit, I had been slowly working up the courage to
approach women I was attracted to. After three to five
months mustering the nerve, I’d ask one woman out,
confront rejection, and then wait again. I clung to the walls
at parties, avoided meeting strangers and creating new
connections, and never spoke up in a group of people.
After working up my courage to ask yet another woman
out and receive another rejection, something inside me
snapped. I’ll never forget that night. I came home, totally
discouraged, completely hopeless. I felt a heavy sadness, a
deep pain of helplessness, resignation, frustration, and
depression. This was my life, and I knew there was no way
out because I’d tried to change and failed.
When I got home, the lights were off in the apartment. I
assumed my roommate was out, which was unfortunate
because I felt so down it would have been nice to hang out
with him. Being with Chris always cheered me up. But it
looked I was alone.
So, I made myself some noodles, poured a jar of Ragu
spaghetti sauce on top, and headed to my room to do what
I did best: play Warcraft III. I loved that game. It was a
place where I could forget all my troubles, ignore my bleak,
loveless future, and immerse myself in competition,
strategy, and play.
I sat at my desk, blowing on my steaming noodles as the
game booted up. Then the screen popped up that said: Do
you want to log in to Battlenet? Battlenet was where you
linked up to battle some dude across the country or world
in all out warfare. I’d seen that screen ten thousand times.
I dragged my mouse towards the Log In button—and then
froze.
I heard a muffled, high-pitch sound coming from
somewhere in the apartment. At first, I was scared, but
then my mind instantly identified the source: it was a
woman laughing. Then I heard a second, deeper voice and
realized my roommate was home. He was in his room with
his girlfriend, sharing a sweet moment. Her laughter burst
through the walls again, this time louder, more joyful.
I sat there, looking at the steam rising from my noodles,
listening to her laugh as the Warcraft Orc on the Battlenet
Login screen stared back at me. And in that moment, my
life changed.
I could see and feel my future unfolding before me. The
veil of denial had been lifted and I felt the pain of
loneliness, longing, inadequacy, and settling that were in
store for me if life continued this way. I knew I was not
going to experience what I really wanted, that I would miss
out on everything that mattered to me, and would die full of
regret for a life not fully lived.
This was my rock bottom. Over the years I’ve seen that
each client has their own threshold moment when they hit
a similar point and they can’t take it any more: they decide
to change.
Sometimes that moment is provoked by dating,
relationships, and love. They’re unable to meet and date
the people they want, they endure poor treatment from
partners who are only moderately interested, or they watch
their marriage go down in flames.
For others, it’s their social life. They can’t take another
day of being uncomfortable in their own skin, feeling
inauthentic, phony, or forced in their interactions. They’re
sick and tired of holding back their opinions, feeling guilty
for never doing enough, and being so terrified of upsetting
others that they’re sick to their stomach with worry about
it.
And for some, it’s the moment they get passed over for
another big promotion, not because they’re not skilled, but
because they’re not “leadership material.” They refuse to
stay stuck at the same level as younger talent passes them
by simply because others are outspoken and bold with their
opinions.
I don’t know what your moment was, but if you’re reading
this book, I have a strong hunch that you’ve had at least
one of these moments that has led you here. In those
moments, there is a tremendous amount of pain, but there
is also something else.
That night there was another feeling awakening inside of
me that was stronger than hopelessness. It was like a tidal
wave building in force and size. It was a mixture of anger,
resistance, and raw energy. It was a complete and total
rejection of that bleak existence. It was power.
In that moment, I decided: I’m willing to do whatever it
takes. I will study whatever I need to, practice whatever I
need to, force myself to take action and do anything—no
matter how scary or uncomfortable—again and again and
again until I break out of this cage and create the life I
want. I will not quit. I will not stop.
I didn’t have a name for it then, but I know what it is now.
I call it Unstoppable Energy. When I’m speaking to
someone, I can tell if they have activated this energy. If
they have, then I know success is inevitable; it’s just a
matter of time.
With that energy and determination, everything turned
around. I made tremendous progress in my confidence and
in being less nice. I began studying eBooks and online
courses about how to meet women and be more confident. I
discovered I could challenge the negative voice in my head
and do the opposite of what it said. I made a practice of
facing my fears. All of them. One by one.
With this courage and willingness, life began to open up
all around me. I was able to approach a stranger of any age
or gender, and start talking with them. I could speak up in
groups, make jokes, and seek out public speaking. Women
started going out with me. It was mind-blowing and
changed the way I perceived reality.
Success, right? Absolutely. Massive success and massive
progress. And yet, I soon realized an interesting fact of life.
Once you overcome one challenge and break through to the
next level, you’re not done. There’s another, higher quality
problem waiting for you when you get there, challenging
you to step up and grow again. It’s a beautiful quality of life
that requires us to continually grow, expand, and become
the people we’re meant to be.
For me, that next level challenge was the hardest thing
I’ve ever faced.
THERE’S SOMETHING WRONG WITH
ME
With all my online studies and practice, I learned to walk
taller, look people in the eye, and approach others instead
of avoiding them. I learned how to engage with women,
flirt, create sexual tension and openly express my desire. I
learned how to be more bold and confident... for a little
while.
Soon I discovered that I could make a good first
impression. I could appear fully confident. And maybe even
go on several dates and sleep with a woman. I could speak
my mind with friends and acquaintances. I could share my
ideas in groups. But after doing these sorts of things, my
nice guy impulses would come back with a vengeance. It
was almost like I learned how to suppress it temporarily,
but it had simply retreated to the shadows, waiting for its
opportunity to pounce.
I’d be more bold and speak up, but then the next day I
would replay the interaction and second guess myself. Or
worse, just tear myself to shreds. Why did you say all that?
You talked way, way too much! You seemed so over-
excitable and lame. Pathetic.
Or I’d boldly initiate a conversation and be the smoothest,
most charming guy you could imagine. We’d go on a date or
two, and it would go incredibly well. But then my anxiety
would surge back. Especially after we’d have sex for the
first time. I would instantly feel responsible for all of her
feelings. I would start scanning for all the ways I could
reassure her and give her the impression that I loved her,
that I was the man of her dreams, that I never liked any
other woman as much as I liked her, and that all I wanted
to do was spend all day, every day with her.
 This may sound like a caring, considerate, and ideal way
to enter into a relationship. In fact, with my wife, Candace,
I frequently tell her how much she means to me, how
grateful I am she’s with me, and seek to reassure her when
she’s feeling insecure. That is just one of the many
beautiful gifts of love.
But this was different. This was niceness to the max.
Because I didn’t really love these women yet. In fact, we
didn’t even know each other yet, and we weren’t the right
match. I was so skin-crawlingly uncomfortable with her
experiencing any negative emotion, that I played a role. I
took complete responsibility for every single one of her
feelings, and I was held hostage by my own fear of guilt
and self-loathing should she feel bad.
Sound extreme? It was! It also was very painful. This nice
guy compulsion prevented me from saying no. Instead I
pretended to have certain feelings, and avoided difficult
conversations.
What if I was dating other people and wasn’t sure yet who
I wanted to be in a relationship with? And what if (gasp), it
was not with her?
I could never say that!
What if I wanted to do my own thing on a Saturday night
and I didn’t feel like hanging out?
What?! How could I be so heartless!
And so, with all this fear and pretending and avoiding, my
romantic relationships didn’t last. I could only sustain this
charade for a few weeks or months. At that point, I could
no longer confine myself and I would hastily end the
relationship, which was often a surprise to her because
until then I was the best guy in the world and “everything
was perfect.”
A few times I tried to “white knuckle it” and push through
my anxiety to stay in a relationship longer. I tried this with
a sweet, intelligent, and beautiful woman from San
Francisco. She was amazing and we got along so well that I
told myself: This is it! No more fleeing!
I met her at a Whole Foods supermarket in the Bay Area.
All my years of practicing bold action paid off, as I was able
to simply walk up to her and start a conversation in the
bulk foods aisle. She had sandy blond hair, a beautiful
smile, and piercing blue eyes that were fully alive with
energy and enthusiasm for life. We instantly connected
about health and nutrition. I was infatuated.
Our first dates were fun, interesting, and exciting. We
were both life-long learners and had studied different
areas, so we were sharing back and forth like crazy. She
was incredibly sexy and I was instantly drawn in. And then
the pattern started all over again…
It really began in earnest after the first time we made
love. That experience, like many of the times I first made
love with a new partner, was awkward. At that time, I didn’t
have the confidence to talk about sex before, during, or
after. I was too nice. I didn’t want to make anyone
uncomfortable, or say anything that might hurt or upset my
partners.
I remember sitting at my kitchen table the next morning,
eating breakfast, and feeling so uncomfortable. I wanted to
say something, to talk about our experience. It wasn’t
terrible, but it just felt off. I didn’t feel connected to her
during sex and I had all kinds of questions about her
experience. But she seemed relaxed and fine, so I thought:
This is all in my head. I’m too insecure. If I reveal anything
she’ll feel bad and I’ll look like a loser. So, I finished my
oats, walked her to her car, and said nothing more of it. In
fact, we never talked about sex in our entire time together.
Not once.
Sure enough, at the two month mark I started to feel the
urge to flee. I had anxiety before I’d go to her house and
urges to hastily break up. I knew the pattern well, and this
time I’d resolved to not act on it. I was going to push
through, dammit!
But four months into our relationship, I started having
panic attacks when I spent time with her. I remember one
sunny summer day at a beautiful park in the city, relaxing
on a blanket in a grassy field, catching some sun together.
From the outside, this scenario seems perfect, but inside I
was tense, uncomfortable, and down. I hid all this from her,
of course, and put on my best happy face.
I needed to use the bathroom so I walked across the park
and over a little hill to find one. Upon getting there, I was
flushed with one of the most intense feelings of fear I’ve
ever had. I got dizzy and had difficulty breathing. I felt an
overwhelming sense of dread. My mind was racing with
frenzied and incomplete thoughts: I can’t go back there. I
just can’t. I have to get out. I have to get away!
I tried to breathe and calm myself down, to slow my
thoughts, but it was no use. My mind was throwing images
at me of literally running out of the park, getting back into
my car, and driving away, leaving her in the park on that
blanket, lying in the sun.
A few times I tried to start walking back towards her, and
the dread became so intense, I turned back towards the
bathroom. I paced back and forth in front of the bathroom
for what felt like an eternity.
The experience was eerily similar to when I was a small
child and had just woken up from sleepwalking. I would
often awaken in a state of panic and fear in some random
room in our house. I would be too scared to go back into
my bedroom, and have an urge to go to my parents’ room.
But I was too terrified to do that as well. So, I would pace
back and forth between the two, feeling increasing dread,
as I got closer to each one.
After pacing and panicking for a good long while, I began
to regain my composure. I looked up at the tops of the dark
green pine trees against the bright blue sky. Focusing on
nature helped. “OK. OK.” I said to myself. “I’m OK.”
I pulled myself together and began walking back to our
blanket. I was probably gone for fifteen or twenty minutes
—a slightly unusual amount of time to go pee. When I
returned she was just lying there in the sun. The silky white
skin of her stomach lay exposed and her arms flopped lazily
over her head.
“Hey,” she said as she squinted up at me.
“Hey,” I replied.
She didn’t seem to notice that I’d been gone too long. Or
that I looked a little disheveled. She was lost in reverie on a
beautiful, sunny summer day. I kept my fear, doubts, and
utter insanity to myself.
As this pattern of getting close and then fleeing
continued, relationship after relationship, I began to
develop a terrible belief about myself. I kept asking myself:
Why can’t I have a relationship? Why do I freak out?
And then my mind came up with an answer, as it always
does when you ask it a question. Unfortunately, if you ask a
bad question, you get a bad answer. The answer to my
question was this:
Because there’s something wrong with me. I’m not
capable of close connection, an intimate relationship.
There’s something fundamentally flawed or broken inside of
me. That’s why.
Uplifting, huh?
 And it wasn’t just in romantic relationships. Deep down I
felt like whatever was wrong with me also made me
undesirable to others and unworthy of love, success, and
happiness.
I didn’t walk around thinking everyone hated me. I had
developed my outer confidence enough to talk with people,
make friends, and pursue a career. But there was an
underlying feeling of anxiety behind all this outward action.
Deep inside I had a nagging feeling that friends would get
upset and maybe leave, successful people wouldn’t want to
take the time to talk with me or help me in my career, and
that I was somehow not safe and not loved.
And guess what? I wasn’t.
UNLOVABLE
I had friends, colleagues, and women I’d dated who all
liked me. They had great experiences with me, and many of
them might even say they loved me.
But I didn’t feel loved.
Because I had remained hidden in all of those
relationships. I’d kept parts of myself out of sight, avoided
certain topics, and molded myself to be the person that I
thought they wanted. I hid my anger, dislike, frustration,
sadness, despair, and anxiety. I hid anything that I deemed
“negative” or undesirable. I hid anything that I thought was
unlovable.
And so, I never felt fully loved. I never felt safe in any
relationship. Underneath, there was always the fear: if they
saw the real me, how I really am, they’d be turned off,
repelled, or disgusted. They would leave, reject me, not
want to work with me, or not want to date me. They would
be outta here.
Hence a chronic feeling of anxiety, waiting in the
background. It might disappear while I was in the moment,
enjoying a conversation with a friend, only to return on my
drive home. I’d replay everything I said, scanning it to
make sure it was just right. I’d replay moments where I
might have offended them or said something they didn’t
like. I’d ruminate on the interaction, scanning for things I
did that would make them dislike me, and I’d feel scared.
This was the elaborate cage I’d created for myself. This
was the prison of niceness that kept me contained, hidden,
and separate from others. This was the source of endless
hours of fear, self-doubt, and torment. And this is exactly
what I needed to break free from in order to reach a new
level of confidence, freedom, and joy in my life.
ANTI-NICE
“Politeness and diplomacy are responsible for more suffering
and death than all the crimes of passion in history. Fuck
politeness. Fuck diplomacy. Tell the truth.”
- Brad Blanton, author of Radical Honesty
Once again, the pain of confinement and anxiety built up
inside me. While I had more friends, more dating
experiences, and more direction in my career, I was still
trapped in a shell of niceness and fear.
I wasn’t deeply enjoying all the successes I had, and I felt
further away from a deep, lasting romantic relationship
than ever before. When I was fully honest with myself, I
realized I was still scared of people most of the time. Still
scared of offending them, worried if they liked me, and not
completely comfortable with myself.
I’d learned how to appear more self-assured and
confident, but not be more self-assured and confident. This
became glaringly obvious after yet another failed
relationship in which I became over-accommodating,
absorbed tons of criticism, and stayed way too long. It was
time for action.
And this time, my choice was clear.
I am going to shatter this nice guy shell. I’m going to be
honest and direct. I’m going to face whatever
discomfort I need to face, learn whatever it is I need
to learn, do whatever it takes to feel more confident,
powerful, and capable. To enjoy a deep, fulfilling
relationship with the love of my life. To be the powerful
man I’m meant to be in this world.
Once we make a decision from our core, and turn it into a
powerful commitment, there’s no stopping us. Our success
becomes inevitable. It’s just a matter of time.
 I read dozens of books on honesty, direct communication,
and being more authentic and less nice.1 Practicing what I
was reading was hard work. In fact, it was extremely
uncomfortable. I realized being direct, honest, and
vulnerable with people I knew was even harder than
approaching an attractive stranger and starting a
conversation. If a stranger rejected me, I could always tell
myself: Well, they don’t know the real me. But if a friend or
lover rejected me after I revealed a desire, fear, or anything
else personal, that was a different story.
Books were good, but changing on my own was slow
going. I realized I needed help. I needed to be surrounded
by people who were also practicing this and could support
me and teach me along the way. I needed faster results. I
needed coaching.
So, I joined a men’s group. We met every Tuesday night
from 6-8p.m. to discuss our challenges, goals, and lives. To
work through our fears, understand our feelings, heal our
old wounds, upgrade our beliefs, and show up more
powerfully in the world. I was the youngest man in the
group by at least a decade, and I brought the thunder. I
wanted to change this and I wanted to change it now!
While in the group, I also discovered a unique form of
personal growth workshops in Portland, Oregon called
Solsara. They held 3-day weekend immersions where the
core purpose was to practice being more authentic, honest,
and direct with others. They were incredible experiences,
and my future wife, Candace, happened to be one of the
teachers.
With all the reading, group work, and coaching, I began
to reprogram my mind. I let go of old, toxic beliefs that kept
me feeling overly responsible for others and guilty. I
shattered fears that prevented me from expressing what I
felt, asking for what I wanted, and saying no when I didn’t
want to do something. I reached a new level of authenticity
and confidence that felt incredible.
And, best of all, as I became more open to the world,
more vulnerable, more truly myself, I felt more love than
ever before. I was able to let in and feel all the love coming
my way, because I was no longer hiding huge portions of
myself.
And guess what?
Now all my problems are solved and life is a fairy tale of
perpetual bliss and comfort.
Oh, if only.
Actually, my journey continues to this day. Being in a
deeply committed, amazing marriage requires even higher
levels of honesty, directness, and a willingness to have
uncomfortable conversations. To truly thrive in a
relationship, we have to be able to talk about the hard
stuff–sex, money, parenting decisions, and so many other
things that can push our buttons. We have to navigate the
balance between supporting each other, taking care of our
small children, and still have time to nourish ourselves.
This means sometimes saying yes, and sometimes saying
no. Sometimes being selfless and sometimes being selfish.
As you’ll see in the stories I share below, it’s not always
smooth. In fact, it can be quite messy, and I’m far from
perfect.
As I carry out my mission in the world of Mass Liberation
—to eradicate social anxiety and inspire confidence in as
many people as possible—my reach continues to grow and
expand. This involves building an online presence that
reaches hundreds of thousands of people through YouTube,
podcasting, blogs, books, and other teaching platforms. The
more people I reach, the more people there are to interact
with. More people who want something, ask me for
something, and sometimes expect me to do something.
And, of course, there are more people who dislike me, what
I teach, and what I’m up to. More opportunities to
determine what I actually want, to say no, and to let go of
responsibility for everyone’s feelings. More necessity to
further stamp out people-pleasing and any fear-based nice
guy behaviors.
From my years on this path, I can say one thing with
certainty: It gets better. As you let go of niceness, guilt,
pleasing others, and fear of conflict, everything improves.
Your relationships get better, your self-esteem skyrockets,
your sense of personal and social power increase, your
career and business success surge, and you feel more
relaxed around people in all situations.
It’s not an easy journey, and it doesn’t happen in one step.
But if you are committed and if you are willing to do what it
takes, then it’s worth it. Your life can transform in
extraordinary, delightful ways.
In the next few chapters we will uncover the core
qualities of niceness. You’ll discover the major patterns that
keep you feeling afraid, doubtful, guilty, or any other way
that doesn’t serve you. These include people-pleasing, over-
responsibility for others’ experiences, and fear of
confrontation or conflict. As you read, you’ll probably see
yourself time and again in the descriptions and stories
below. That’s good! The more insight you have into what’s
holding you back, the faster you can break free.
In fact, before we dive into the core qualities of niceness,
let’s take a moment to see how nice you are.

1. Some of these included: Radical Honesty by Brad Blanton (watch out for this
one, it will blow open your world!); Getting Real by Susan Campbell (a much
more calculated and tactful version of Brad’s honesty power-slam approach);
Truth in Dating by Susan Campbell; No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover; The
Disease To Please by Harriet Breaker
 HOW NICE ARE YOU?
Let’s find out. In fact, let’s bust out some science. Below
you will find a self-assessment. I suggest you take it now,
and then take it again after you finish this book. You can
see just how much you transform over that time period.
 NICE ASSESSMENT
For each item below read the statement on each end of the
scale. Then write a number that rates which statement
feels truer for you in your life at this moment.
If the item on the left feels completely true for you, then
you will write a 1 or a 2. If the statement on the right feels
true, you will write a 9 or a 10. If both statements reflect
how you feel then you may write a 4,5, or 6. As you are
assessing what is true for you, reflect on the last few weeks
of your life.
To determine your Nice Score, add up all of the numbers
you wrote above and divide by 14.
What Does My Score Mean?
If it’s low, it means you’re doomed forever. DOOMED!
I’m kidding. All it means is if it’s low you probably don’t
feel good in many ways. The lower your score, the more
worried, guilty, stressed, and trapped you feel.
Conversations are often not enjoyable and socializing can
feel like a performance. Relationships are challenging, and
you are afraid others will be upset with you. Conflict or
hurt feelings feel like the beginning of the end, and that is
terrifying.
Not only do you feel bad, but your results suffer too. The
lower your score, the less success you have in the areas
that matter most. You might not be fully valued in your
company or command the salary you deserve. You might
not step up, take risks, and be recognized as a leader in
your business or field. The fear of speaking up in meetings,
firmly stating your perspectives, and directly dealing with
colleagues or customers can severely limit your career
progression.
A low score on this assessment can also indicate
challenges in your romantic life. You might struggle to
meet and date the people you are attracted to. Perhaps you
play this old story again and again in your mind: The ones I
like never like me back. You may have many reasons as to
why this is so–you’re too short, too tall, too awkward, too
boring… too something. But you may not realize how many
of your challenges simply come down to the subtle
repelling effect that people-pleasing has on romantic
connections. If this is an area of interest to you, pay close
attention, we’ll cover it more throughout this book.
If you are already in a romantic relationship, you might
feel anxious or trapped. You may have repeating patterns of
saying yes, giving too much, and then feeling resentful. You
may have lost your passion and be living as roommates
instead of lovers.
In short, life sucks. Or it is not as great as it could be–as
you want it to be.
But guess what? I have good news for you. As your score
increases, your life gets better. Way better. You feel
completely different, your relationships transform, and your
level of power, influence, and success skyrocket. You start
living on your terms.
That might sound like a dramatic claim. But after
experiencing it myself, and then guiding so many people
through the liberation process, I have no doubt about
what’s possible for you. What if you woke up each morning
and could focus on whatever you wanted? Your health,
meditation or exercise, or your family. What if you felt
excited, happy, and energized about your day, instead of
worried about what might happen, dreading potentially
uncomfortable conversations?
What if you woke up next to the love of your life? Your
relationship was solid because you can talk about anything
and you know there’s nothing that you can’t work through
together. You feel deeply seen, known, and loved for who
you are, and you have an incredible, stable source of love
that allows you to step out more boldly into the world.
What if you were a leader in your field that people sought
out for advice, guidance, and your wise perspective? What
if you could freely speak up, have direct conversations, and
be the kind of person who said what needed to be said?
And most importantly, what if you just felt comfortable to
be yourself around anyone, in any situation, without fear of
whether they were going to like you or not? Without
worrying about how they were taking everything you said,
and if you were upsetting or offending anyone. Life without
all the overanalyzing, guilt, and discomfort. Can you
imagine it?
How amazing would that feel? What a relief it would be.
My question for you is: are you ready to make that
happen?
Regardless of what your Nice Score was, you can do this.
No matter how uncomfortable you feel about disagreeing,
being honest, or interrupting someone, you can do this. No
matter how long you’ve been stuck in the cage of the nice
person, you can break free.
 CHAPTER 2:

PLEASE LIKE ME
“I am realizing that when we try to be nice, and try to be
liked, we end up being repulsive across all areas of life.”
- K.B.
At its root, being nice is about being liked, which in itself is
not a bad thing. It’s actually the most natural desire in the
world. Let’s say your friend was about to introduce you to
someone at a party, and you could choose between these
two options: Option A: That new person likes you.
Option B: That new person doesn’t like you.
Which one would you pick?
Exactly.
But the problem with nice is that it takes a normal human
desire and turns it into an absolute necessity. It turns a
preference into a serious attachment that we obsess over,
as if somehow we won’t be OK if this person is upset with
us, or bored by us, or in any way not super excited about
us.
By deeming disapproval as threatening and unacceptable,
our minds start avoiding it at all costs. We begin running
dozens, or even hundreds, of subtle social patterns that are
all designed to minimize disapproval, and possibly garner
positive attention. These include hesitating, over-thinking
what we will say next, not interrupting, excessively smiling
or nodding, being too quick to laugh, agreeing when we
don’t really agree, holding back, not speaking up in groups,
avoiding eye contact, hiding parts of ourselves, lying to fit
in, name dropping, trying too hard to impress, and many
others.
These patterns drain your social power and make you feel
less comfortable and free around others. They result in
people taking you less seriously and being less attracted to
you. They can feel that you’re trying too hard, that you
need something from them, and that you’re not being
genuine. This neediness and inauthenticity is a strong
relationship repellent. Others might not outright reject you,
throw a drink in your face, or tell you off, because you’re
being nice and pleasing. You won’t get harsh rejections, but
you will have an endless string of polite rejections. Lots of
these sorts of rejections: “Oh that sounds nice, but I’m just
too busy for the next week… and year.” Not only that,
acting this way is inauthentic and feels terrible for you over
time. But other than that, it’s great. It keeps you safe,
small, and protected from rejection (sort 0f). It also makes
you a “good person” who’s respectful of others, right?
This is where we bump into our conditioning, where we
learned all of these patterns. In our upbringing, we learned
how to be good boys and girls. That we should be good
boys and girls. And if we aren’t, we are selfish, bad, wrong,
or otherwise unworthy of love. Welcome to Nice Training.
 NICE TRAINING
A little while back I was at a park with my son Zaim, who
was about to turn three. Or, as he describes it, “I have two
and three-quarters years old.” I was pushing him on a
swing as high as he could go as he squealed with delight
and shouted, “higher, Daddy, higher!”
Next to us a family of four showed up to the swing set. It
was a dad, mom, son, and daughter. I could instantly tell
the dad ran a tight ship by the way he issued commands
and how the children looked to him prior to taking action.
His need for control was so strong I could feel it in the air.
As he pushed his son and his wife pushed their daughter,
his daughter said, “I don’t want Mom to push me. I want
you to push me, Dad.”
“Don’t say that,” he fired back instantly. “That’s not nice.”
His tone was harsh and sharp. The matter was concluded
without further exploration or inquiry. Why didn’t she want
Mom to push her? Was Mom not pushing hard enough?
Could Dad do it better? Did she see less of Dad and miss
him and want more connection with him? Was she feeling
jealous of her brother?
Who knows? Shut up and be nice.
Nice training begins innocently enough as part of
“socialization.” Your parents have a responsibility to help
you function in our world, interact with other children and
humans, and set you up to succeed. The only problem is
most of our parents didn’t deeply reflect on what traits
actually do set their children up for maximum happiness,
success, and positive contribution to the world. They often
did not have ongoing practices of building their self-
awareness, working through their own issues, and actively
healing and growing as humans.
 Instead, they did the best they could with the resources
they had. They wanted you to be a good, kind, strong,
healthy, happy child. They didn’t want you to be aggressive,
impolite, defiant, selfish, or mean. So, they did their best to
guide you, influence you, and condition you to be all of the
first list, and none of the second.
Yeah, so what? What’s the big deal? This seems pretty
normal, and is an essential part of living in society, right? I
mean, kids have to learn how to treat each other well,
because otherwise they can become out-of-control, spoiled
monsters.
This is where most of us rush in to defend our parents
(and perhaps our own parenting as well). So, I can serve
you best, let’s clear this up right now. This isn’t about
blaming your parents, making them wrong, or making them
responsible for all the challenges in your life. They may
have been amazing people whom you love deeply, or
tormented alcoholics who you feel ambivalent and confused
about. Regardless, this isn’t about pointing your finger and
blaming.
Instead, this exploration is about you breaking free from
patterns you learned in childhood. This is about becoming
more self-aware, clearly seeing what has influenced you,
and taking full ownership over the direction of your life.
Because here’s the sneaky, underlying problem with
standard conditioning and “normal” socialization. It is
designed to create polite, non-aggressive, obedient children
who mind their parents. And given that parenting,
especially of small children, is so ridiculously hard and
demanding, it can be difficult to always be sure that what
you’re doing is actually best for your kid, or if you just want
it because you’re tired, or out of patience.
For example, in the morning I unload the dishwasher,
clean up a bit, and get eggs and kale out of the fridge to
make our breakfast. My son Zaim is up in his little tower
that lets him be at counter height so he can help me crack
eggs and do other fun stuff. But this morning he decided to
grab everything that’s near the sink (including glass cups)
and throw them into the sink.
If I’m relaxed and calm that morning, if I’m at peace in
myself, OK with life, and not living in fear, anger or stress,
then I can calmly say, “Whoah, buddy. We don’t throw
things in the sink because it could break them. Here, let me
slide you over a bit in your tower. Want to help me crack
eggs?”
But let’s say I’m tired that morning, I’m stressed out
about something from work, I haven’t been working out,
eating right, or taking care of my body and mind. Then, I
might say, “Aww, Zaim, come on! What are you doing? Why
are you throwing things in the sink??” My tone would
exude exasperation, irritation, and the message: What is
wrong with you?
For you, this might be an extremely mild version of what
you received. In fact, your parents may have taken
standard phrases out of the Universal Shitty Parenting
Techniques Handbook such as: “Stop crying or I’ll give you
something to cry about,” or “Shut up or I’m going to whack
you.”
When parents consistently come from a place of
frustration, anger, or disapproval, children become
subservient and aim to please. The loss of connection and
love they feel when a parent is angry with them can be
incredibly painful, and becomes a powerful form of
influence. Of course, they still act out, do crazy things, and
bug the heck out of their parents. But the shift takes place
nonetheless, very slowly and subtly over time.
 Eventually this style of socialization turns politeness into
a fear-based sense of following the rules. As children grow
up they become scared of doing it wrong, afraid of making
mistakes, terrified of being “rude,” and apologizing
preemptively for things that are not even apology-worthy.
“I’m sorry, I can’t make it. Sorry.”
“Sorry, do you mind if I ask you a question?”
“I’m sorry, I need to request a refund. This isn’t what I
ordered.”
Have you ever done this? I was the Over-Apology King for
years.
A parent’s desire to make their child calm, peaceful, and
non-aggressive can easily morph into messages like: don’t
speak until spoken to, kids are meant to be seen and not
heard, don’t interrupt me, stop asking so many question,
and other anti-assertiveness messages that train the kid to
keep his or her mouth shut.
And obedience? That one is a doozy. I find it fascinating
that parents crave obedience. They want their kids to mind
them: do what I say, and don’t defy me. And I don’t mean
they want a working relationship where they have influence
to guide their child. I mean they want control. They want
that little sucker to do what they say, and to do it now, or
else. Why?? Because I’m your parent, that’s why.
I know the feeling. When I’m trying to make breakfast,
clean up dishes, and make snacks for the day, and Zaim is
pushing down his one-year old toddler brother, Arman, and
then running off laughing, I want control in that moment to.
I want to grab him like a puppy who pooped on the carpet
and rub his nose in it, angrily yelling commands. “Don’t you
EVER do that again! You hear me!” I want control and I’m
pissed.
But I know that it won’t work particularly well in the
moment. If I really wanted to permanently extinguish that
behavior using force, I’d have to come with such intensity
that it would make him extremely scared of me. And even
then, he might still do it when I’m not around. I’m
interested in establishing a longer-term form of influence
that doesn’t condition fear-based people-pleasing into my
children. I’m playing the ultra-long game.
Because the standard approach doesn’t quite make sense.
When they’re young, we hammer in the “don’t defy me”
message. But then, once they become adults, we want them
to go out into the world and be direct, assertive, confident,
persistent, bold, outspoken, and a leader who doesn’t take
no for an answer.
Guess what? After all this conditioning, the vast majority
of people are not like that. (Shocking!)
Most people are terrified of disapproval and rejection.
Most people don’t know how to be skillfully assertive,
speak up for themselves and speak their minds. So they
either act out aggressively in the wrong place at the wrong
time, or just passively stuff it all down. Most people are too
polite, too timid, too obedient, and too subservient. Most
people are too nice.
GOOD BOYS AND GIRLS
When you think back to your childhood, what messages
about being nice did you receive? Sometimes they were
direct messages, like: If you don’t have anything nice to
say, then don’t say anything at all. Other times they were
indirect, like a certain look your dad would give you if you
disobeyed him. A look that filled you with fear and got you
in line fast.
A great way to uncover more is to start by picking one
parent. Typically, the parent whose love you craved the
most had the biggest impact on you—not necessarily the
one whose love you received the most, but the one you
craved the most.
If you grew up with grandparents or extended family
members other than your parents, pick from the people
who raised you. Do you have that parent or person in mind
now? Good.
How did you need to be in order for them to love you?
How did you need to think, feel, and behave? Who did you
need to be for them?
For example, as a kid, I craved my dad’s love most. To
receive that love, I felt like I needed to be obedient,
athletic, quick to learn, avoid bothering him when he was
upset, and not too emotional.
Take a moment right now to make a list of the first things
that come to your mind, without filtering it.
Got it? Good.
My next question is this: how could you never be around
this parent? What brought on their disapproval?
Take a moment to come up with this list now.
As you may discover, it often is just the opposite of your
first list. For example, I felt like I could not be defiant,
physically weak, poor at sports, slow to learn, outspoken,
or have strong feelings.
What did you come up with? Every time I do this exercise,
I’m surprised by how much these simple lists have dictated
many choices I’ve made in my life. This conditioning is
powerful, greatly influences us, and is mostly unconscious.
Until you do an exercise like this.
In my in-depth video training program, Confidence
Unleashed, I refer to this as your “Good Boy” or “Good
Girl” list. This is your template of how you need to be in
order to be “good” (or worthy of love).
For many people, their Good Person list includes being
agreeable, saying yes, giving to others, being quiet, being
humble, and other versions of polite, obedient, and non-
offensive. It also can include succeeding, winning, getting
things on their first try, never failing, and other demands
for rapid and total achievement in all things they try. For
some it demands they always feel happy, upbeat, positive,
and have a “good attitude.”
The Bad Boy/Bad Girl list usually includes being
outspoken, saying no to others, being aggressive, being
selfish, challenging people, saying what you want, being
honest, and even being authentic, vulnerable, or real. For
many, failing, not being the best, and feelings such as
sadness, anger, and fear are all unacceptable.
What are you noticing about your lists? What are you
discovering about yourself? What memories does this
exercise bring up?
I’d suggest you let yourself reflect on this over the next
day or two. If memories that you haven’t thought of in a
while come up, don’t ignore them. Instead, pay attention to
the messages being conveyed in those memories. How
were you being conditioned? The more you see that being
nice is just a pattern you learned to get love and avoid pain,
the more quickly you can recondition yourself and break
free.
At this point, you may have questions about how you
could possibly receive love from others if you didn’t live up
to the Good List and sometimes did things on the Bad List.
As you’ll see in the pages to come, the love and connection
you deeply crave doesn’t come from pleasing others and
hiding all your perceived flaws. It actually comes from
boldly being yourself, saying what you actually think and
feel, and sharing yourself with the world.
You may also want to reflect on the questions above while
focusing on your other parent. How did you need to be for
him or her? Who could you never be?
This kind of reflection can produce powerful insights into
what has been driving your thoughts, feelings, and actions
for many years. It’s also part of the process of liberating
yourself so you can become all of who you are, which leads
to being more powerful, alive, vibrant, attractive, and
successful.
 THE APPROVAL SEEKER
Regardless of the origins, it appears everyone has an
internal Approval Seeker. This is the part of us that wants
people to like us, hates conflict, disconnection, and discord.
This is the part that wants everything to be smooth, for
everyone to get along, and everyone to love us.
While this desire for harmony and connection is
completely natural, it can become problematic. When we
are being nice, we are usually identified with the Approval
Seeker inside of us. Instead of it being just another part
that’s influencing our feelings and behaviors, it becomes
the only part. It’s driving the bus, determining where you
go, what you say, and what you do. It begins to run your
life.
When this happens, our primary goal in life becomes
getting approval from others. Or, more specifically,
avoiding disapproval from others. Because our Approval
Seeker really has two missions it’s trying to carry out: a
prime directive and a secondary objective, if you will. While
achieving both objectives is ideal, it is most important to
achieve the prime directive before worrying about the
secondary one. Here are the Approval Seeker’s objectives:
1. Avoid judgment, criticism, dislike, and disapproval at
any cost.
2. Earn positive perceptions, feelings, and approval from
others.
Objective number one definitely outweighs number two.
So, if you’re with a group of people you don’t know that
well, you will do things to avoid disapproval first. This
might include speaking when spoken to, smiling and
nodding, being polite and agreeable.
Perhaps loudly telling that funny story about your cousin
getting sick on his fortieth birthday would be seen as
hilarious and get you tons of approval from this new group.
But maybe it wouldn’t. Maybe it would be awkward-city
with tons of confused and offended looks. Not worth the
risk. Just stick with the prime directive.
Speaking of the prime directive, our Approval Seeker is
looking to complete this mission with complete and
resounding success. Total domination. When it says it
doesn’t want any disapproval, it means absolutely,
positively, no disapproval.
Here is the Approval Seeker’s typical list of success
criteria for avoiding disapproval:
1. No one has a negative thought or judgment about
me. This includes my appearance, my attire, my job and
income, the way I speak or move, my actions or choices,
or any other qualities about me.
2. No one feels any negative or uncomfortable
emotions in my presence due to me. No fear,
discomfort, uncertainty, aversion, irritation, upset,
confusion, or dislike.
3. No one demonstrates any non-verbal signs of
disapproval. No one furrows their brow, curls their lip,
or has any other physical sign of judging or disliking me.
Only positive or neutral facial expressions must come my
way.
A perfectly reasonable set of goals here... Until our next
interaction with a human being. With this unconscious
criteria, and our Approval Seeker driving the bus, we’re
screwed.
How do you think this strong need to avoid all negative
thoughts and feelings from others impacts you? Does it
make you more relaxed or less relaxed? More confident or
less confident? More powerful or less powerful? More
yourself or less yourself?
That’s right, it’s going to make you a self-conscious,
neurotic mess. Trust me, I know this first hand, having let
my Approval Seeker run the show for more than fifteen
years of my life. It will make you run all your nice person
habits double and triple time. And don’t get me started if
the person you’re talking to is beautiful, handsome,
confident, powerful, or successful. Then it becomes even
worse. Their disapproval is even more important to avoid
because their perception means more than yours does. I
mean, after all, they are a better person because they’re
skinny, or muscular, or rich, right?
Speaking of which, how does your Approval Seeker show
up? What specifically do you do to avoid disapproval? Also,
what do you do to try to win the approval of others?
This usually arises as an urge to impress others. Perhaps
you try to appear very intelligent or highly knowledgeable
about a particular subject. Maybe you play up experiences
you’ve had, exaggerating a bit so others see you as exciting
or cool. Maybe you name drop, or tell a certain story again
and again because it makes you look important. These are
just a few examples of the many subtle ways we try to earn
the approval of others.
One pattern I recently observed in myself was to earn
approval through achievement. I noticed a hard-driving
part of me that I call Double More (because it always wants
me to do double and more of what I’m doing) pushing me to
achieve more quickly. It was impatient to get to the next
level and dissatisfied with my current rate of progress.
When I explored why I needed to achieve more and faster, I
found the urge came from a desire to impress others.
Specifically my dad and one of my mentors.
Pay attention in yourself over the next few days to see
how you might try to earn approval from others. While
these behaviors are not highly problematic, they do pull
you away from your authentic self, and subtly reinforce the
idea that you are not worthy of love and approval right now,
as you are.
YOUR APPROVAL SEEKER
Let’s explore how your Approval Seeker shows up in your
life. What things do you do to make sure people like you?
What things do you avoid, so others won’t be upset?
Take a moment to reflect on this now. The more self-
aware you can become, the more power you have to
transform yourself and your results. Be sure to think about
each of the core areas in your life–your work and career,
dating and romantic life, friends and family.
15 Common Signs of Approval Seeking

1. Avoiding No
You avoid saying no to others. You fear they will become
upset or think you’re a bad person, so you usually say yes,
even if it adds more stress to your life.

2. Hesitation
You often wait for the “right thing” to say (and thus speak
way less than you normally do).

3. Nervous Laughter
You’re quick to laugh at whatever another person says,
even if it’s not that funny. Your laugh might come too
quickly, too often, or at inappropriate times.

4. Difficulty with Endings

You have difficulty ending things, from conversations to
friendships to romantic relationships. As a result, you may
 drag things out longer than you really want to.

5. Overly Agreeable
You smile, nod, and are very agreeable with others
(regardless of your actual opinions on the subject).

6. Avoiding Disagreement
You avoid disagreeing with others, challenging others, or
stating alternative perspectives.

7. Fear of Judgment
You’re afraid of the judgments of others (which can lead
to nervousness, hesitation, over-thinking, and social
anxiety).

8. Fear of Upset
You’re often afraid that others are secretly angry or
critical of you, even though they seem to like you when
you’re together. This can lead to a constant background
unease that you may have “done something wrong” that
someone is upset about.

9. Pressure to Entertain
You feel pressure to have something great to share, such
as a funny or highly engaging story about an adventure
you’ve had.
10. Second Guessing & Conversational Replays
 During an interaction, you experience self-consciousness
and doubt about how you are coming across. You imagine
you should be someone “better” than you are. Afterwards,
you replay the interaction in your mind and find all the
things you did wrong, ways you may have upset the other
person, and things you should have said.

11. Habitual Apologies

You’re quick to apologize out of habit, even for minor
transgressions, like starting to speak at the same time as
someone else.

12. Submissive Body Language

You demonstrate submissive body language, such as
looking away frequently or keeping your eyes down.

13. Putting Others First

You have a strong habit of putting others’ needs ahead of
your own, thinking it is selfish to do otherwise.

14. Not Stating Desires

You rarely state what you want directly. Instead, you may
suggest or imply something and hope the other person
detects it. You often question your desires and think they
might be either too much or not worth asking for.
15. Attempting to Fit In & Impress
You try to fit in to groups by pretending to be interested
in things you are not, or exaggerating about your
 experiences, wealth, or achievements. All submission to
peer pressure is approval seeking.
The Cost of Approval Seeking
How many of the fifteen signs on that list do you notice in
yourself? Over the years, I’ve seen this pattern with clients:
The more you try to avoid disapproval and earn approval,
the more you suffer. This is because each of these
behaviors is pulling you away from yourself, and draining
you of social power.
Small things like submissive body language, habitual
apologies, and nervous laughter can have a big effect on
your life. They can reduce your romantic options, make
people want to talk with you less, and even determine the
difference between being hired or being passed over during
a job interview.
Bigger patterns like being overly agreeable, feeling
anxious about entertaining others, and avoiding conflict,
can all create limited, tense experiences. You become
limited to a box of your own making.
When you combine that with a deep fear of upsetting
others and a belief that they’re making harsh judgments
that condemn your character and worth, then you’re in big
trouble.
And trouble is the right word for it. With a strong need for
approval, it can feel like you’re walking through life like a
student who is wandering the halls without a hall-pass. At
any time, someone might jump out and chastise you for
doing something wrong, and they’d be justified. This
creates a chronic unease and fear that makes it very hard
to relax, let go, enjoy your relationships, feel love, and be in
the moment. It undermines your self-esteem because you
value others’ opinions more than your own; it sucks the joy
out of life.
Approval Seeker Activate!
For some people, the Approval Seeker is driving the bus in
almost all of their interactions. When I was struggling with
social anxiety, I felt the need for approval whenever I spoke
with strangers, in the classroom, with colleagues at work,
women I was interested in, men who seemed confident...
the list went on and on.
The only time I was not seeking approval, was when I was
with my family or close friends. In those situations, I
perceived I already had their approval, so I could relax and
be myself.
How frequently does your Approval Seeker show up? For
most people, this pattern is not fully conscious. They aren’t
walking into a meeting thinking: I sure hope everyone in
there approves of me. I will make sure I hesitate, only say
witty and intelligent things, and agree with everything so I
avoid their disapproval.
Instead, you just might feel anxious before the meeting.
You are hoping it “goes well” and you get whatever
outcome it is you want: to be hired, to get the sale, to have
your ideas heard and accepted, and so on. You might feel
nervous about speaking up, or compare yourself to
someone else during the meeting, and feel inferior.
Afterwards you might replay certain moments, criticizing
yourself for missing opportunities to speak up and say
things better than you did.
All of that is based on approval seeking. You wanted
people in that meeting to like you, and to accept you and
your ideas. That’s what creates the nervousness, the
comparisons, and the attachment to being seen in a certain
way.
So how frequently does your Approval Seeker show up? It
might not be in every interaction, like it was for me. It may
only be in certain situations at work, when you have to deal
with people you find intimidating or powerful. It might
show up in your dating life when you meet someone you
think is beautiful or handsome. It might show up in your
romantic relationship as concerns over your body and
appearance, as wondering if your partner still finds you
attractive.
Pay attention over the next few weeks to when your
Approval Seeker activates. You want to become better and
better at spotting it as it’s happening. This gives you great
power to become conscious of the old patterns that used to
run you, and to choose something different for yourself.
For example, just last month I noticed my Approval
Seeker coming on strong when I had an opportunity to
interact with someone whom I admire who is highly
successful in my field. He is a highly respected and famous
author and teacher. Leading up to the interview I was
nervous, and during our conversation I was more
enthusiastic and agreeable than I normally would be.
Afterwards, I started to second-guess myself and replay our
conversation, searching for verbal missteps. While it was
uncomfortable, I was excited to identify this behavior
because now I knew what I needed to work on in order to
grow my confidence. I decided that one of my primary
social goals was not to be intimidated by anyone, no matter
how successful.
The goal here is not to completely eliminate this desire
for approval from your life. That’s an extreme demand, and
probably impossible to do. Instead, notice where the urge
for approval is strongest. And, as best as you can, do so
with curiosity, compassion, and love.
You’re not on a witch-hunt here. You’re not looking to find
that wretched monster and slay it. In fact, this part of you
that so desperately wants others’ love and approval
needs your love and approval more than anything
else. In the second and third parts of this book, you’ll learn
how to heal this longing and release the never-ending quest
for approval. But first, you need to become aware. If this
habit of approval seeking is unconscious and you aren’t
aware of when you’re doing it, then it will be difficult to
break free.
The Approval Seeker Versus The Powerful You
In this chapter, we’re exploring the part of you that wants
approval from others. But there is another part of you that
is already whole, complete, secure, and capable. This is The
Powerful You. Throughout the course of this book, you’re
going to activate and strengthen this part more and more,
until eventually being powerful is just how you show up in
the world, wherever you go.
To distinguish between the two, here is a list of some of
the differences between these two parts of you:
• The Approval Seeker wants to be liked by everyone.
• The Powerful You doesn’t need to control anyone’s
perception. You focus on showing up as 100% yourself,
knowing that you only need to find your people, not
everyone.
• The Approval Seeker sees others as better and their
opinions as mattering more.
• The Powerful You knows that you matter. Your thoughts,
feelings, and opinions are worth sharing, simply because
they come from you. You know that looks, wealth, or any
other external marker does not increase someone’s
inherent worth as a human.
• The Approval Seeker needs something from others in
every interaction.
• The Powerful You does not need anyone to do anything.
You focus on being curious, sharing, connecting, and
enjoying yourself. You are the source of approval.
• The Approval Seeker cannot tolerate being disliked.
• The Powerful You gives complete permission for others
to think whatever they’d like, and loves that diversity of
human experience. You know that the only criticisms that
bother you are the ones you agree with.
• The Approval Seeker worries constantly if it was “good
enough.”
• The Powerful You gives whatever you have at this very
moment. You contribute your gifts fully, with an
unfettered boldness and fierce determination. Your best is
good enough. And, of course, you’ll always be growing
and getting better.
• The Approval Seeker imagines others are quick to make
harsh and permanent judgments.
• The Powerful You knows the world is a friendly place. If
someone is harsh, they are disconnected from their heart,
deeply hurting, and in need of compassion.
• The Approval Seeker thinks self-approval means very
little.
• The Powerful You knows that how you feel about
yourself determines how much love, success, and
happiness you let in. You have a deep, unwavering
commitment to be on your own side, no matter what.
• The Approval Seeker tries to get people’s respect and
admiration.
• The Powerful You serves people powerfully and
expresses your heart fully, earning deep respect and
admiration as a byproduct of your bold action.
• The Approval Seeker avoids ruffling feathers and tries
to keep everything smooth.
• The Powerful You speaks honestly and directly. You
know that friction is inevitable in all healthy relationships
and is a sign of two whole people coming together.
• The Approval Seeker hates standing out and conforms
to the status quo.
• The Powerful You stands up for what you believe in and
is a force for good who is willing to fight for positive
change in your community and the world.
• The Approval Seeker says, “Oh no! What will they
think?” and stops.
• The Powerful You says, “Ehh, whatever,” and moves on.
 THE TIGHTROPE
As you study your Approval Seeker, you may notice an
urgency and desperation. You may experience a deep sense
of “I am not OK” if someone doesn’t like you, or is upset
with you. This can make you feel ungrounded, out of
control, anxious, unsettled, or unsafe. High threat. Major
alarm. Your mind can get frantic and you can have a
compulsive and overpowering urge to do something to fix
it. Fix it! Fix it now! Fix it, fix it, fix it, fix it, fix it!
What’s going on here? Even if we try to intellectually tell
ourselves that everything is OK, this doesn’t usually calm
the fear. Many times, I’ve heard clients in one of my groups
or live events say, “I don’t know why I’m so bothered by
this. I didn’t even really know that person. Why does their
rejection bother me so much?”
The reason we get so anxious about losing approval is due
to our primal experience of connecting with other humans.
We all learned how to connect with others starting with our
first relationships, which is usually a mother, father, and
siblings. In these early relationships, we learn how to
connect and attach emotionally to other humans, in the
deepest ways possible. This has been studied extensively,
and led to a branch of psychology called Attachment
Theory.2
For our purposes, I am going to summarize the theory.
Basically, when it comes to attaching emotionally to others,
we can feel safe and secure in that attachment, or we can
feel unsafe and insecure. If we are secure, we feel held,
supported, and loved. We trust the other person will be
there for us. We trust that if they leave to go to the store, or
out with friends, that they will return to us. We feel worthy
of love. We trust that we will receive that love, even if we
make a mistake, fail at something, are in a bad mood, or
otherwise “mess up.”
However, if our attachment is insecure, we feel anxious
and unsafe. We fear that others will leave us at any time. If
we say something wrong, do something wrong, or are in a
bad mood, they’re gone. We deal with this fear by either
trying to please and be perfect so no one will leave us, or
by being aloof and distant. The old, “I don’t need anyone”
Clint Eastwood cowboy routine. I am a rock. I am an island.
So underneath the people-pleasing patterns of the nice
person is insecurity. Of not being strongly and deeply
connected with others. This is why I felt unlovable for many
years; I wasn’t strongly connected to anyone.
This kind of attachment makes us see relationships as a
tightrope. There is a very narrow path—the width of a
single rope—that we must walk across to stay in the
relationship. We must move slowly, carefully, methodically.
We must plan our every step to keep our balance, lest we
fall. And the fall from a tightrope is not a small misstep that
we can easily recover from. No, if we fall from a tightrope,
we fall long and hard–into a net if we’re lucky, onto the
pavement if we’re not.
This is how the young, emotional part of our brain sees
relating to others. One false move and I’m plummeting to
my death. Hence the strong sense of threat. The fear,
anxiety, worry, rumination, and avoidance at all costs.
Hence the strange phenomenon where you want to do
something different, such as speak up, be more direct, or
say no, and yet you find yourself doing the opposite:
holding back, people-pleasing, and saying yes!
This frustrating pattern occurs because the emotional
centers in your brain have more control of your behavior
than your intellect. In the face of perceived threat, they hit
the override switch, and you end up doing something
different. Just as if you decided one morning, “I’m going to
walk out into the freeway today and see what happens.”
Your self-preservation system would almost certainly kick
in and prevent you from carrying that out.
As you read this book and apply what you learn, and take
the small risks that I suggest throughout, you will retrain
this part of your brain. You’ll begin to experience a more
secure sense of connection with those close to you,
including your family, friends, dates, colleagues, clients,
and even strangers.
You’ll start to see that there is no threat in the
disapproval of others, which allows you to relax in a deep
and powerful way. You’ll also see that being in healthy
relationships with others is not at all like walking on a
tightrope. It’s actually more like a five-lane freeway. You
can veer left, right, and all over the place, and still stay
connected. There is so much more space than you
realized to be you and share who you are. In fact,
people are secretly begging for it.

2. For a condensed and highly accessible review of how Attachment Theory

works and impacts adult relationships, I recommend Amir Levine and Rachel
Heller’s book, Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can
Help You Find – and Keep – Love. To go deeper, you can look up articles by John
Bowlby, who is the psychologist who pioneered the field of Attachment Theory.
 CHAPTER 3:

GUILT BUBBLE
Niceness and guilt. These two go together like peanut
butter and jelly. In fact, if you told me about a friend of
yours who is “extremely nice,” so nice they are “the nicest
person you’ll ever meet,” I would bet a large amount of
money at high odds that this person experiences the
following three things:
1. Lots of guilt. They frequently feel guilty about letting
people down, hurting people’s feelings, putting
themselves first, and so forth.
2. Tons of resentment. They will be angry with others,
their partner, their parents, their friends, their boss, their
neighbors, and their colleagues. Of course, they would be
unaware of most of this because to be angry and resentful
is not nice; it’s not allowed. Hence, it’s stuffed down.
Which brings me to the third prediction.
3. Physical Pain. This friend most likely has some
recurring pain in the form of headaches, migraines, neck
pain, back pain, knee pain, ankle pain, foot pain, or
stomach pain. They may have several diagnoses, had
surgeries, be on medications, go to chiropractors and
physical therapists, yet never remain pain-free for long
(more on this fascinating phenomenon in chapter 5.)
I know this because I experienced all three of them for
years, and have seen many nice clients suffering similarly. I
also know this because there are certain fundamental
patterns that all humans follow. For example, stifling
feelings leads to resentment. This is like a math or physics
formula; it happens every time, predictably and repeatedly.
When I was living life as the ultra-nice guy, my approach
to you, and any other human, would follow this little
algorithm.
1. Avoid doing anything to lose your approval.
2. Do not do anything to hurt your feelings.
3. Do not display anger or irritation or do anything that
might make you upset.
You know, “be nice,” right?
We looked at number one from this list in the last chapter.
This chapter is all about the second one: never hurting
others’ feelings.
JUST BE NICE
 “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything
at all.”
- 900 million parents worldwide.
This second guideline seems to make sense, right? Don’t
do anything to hurt others’ feelings.
Who could possibly argue with that rule? It seems like
something any kind, loving, good person would live by,
right?
Well... Maybe. And maybe not. What if someone wants to
talk with you and you don’t want to talk with them? What if
someone is prattling on with their eighth story about their
car engine upgrade and you aren’t in the least bit
interested? What if someone asks you to go out with you
and you don’t want to? What if a person you’re dating
really likes you and wants to become your girlfriend or
boyfriend, but you’re not excited about it? What if someone
bothers, annoys, irritates, or pisses you off?
You stuff these impulses way down into your belly of
course! You stop being so selfish and force yourself to be
patient, to be flexible, to just go with the flow, and “be
nice.” So, you talk to that person. Or, better yet, you
actively engage them and pretend to be really excited to
see them. “Hey Arthur! How’s it going?!”
You endure conversations that don’t interest you; you do
things you don’t really want to do; and you end up dating
someone weeks, months, or years longer than you should.
Yes, years. I’ve talked with clients who have been wanting
to end their relationships for a long time, and the only thing
that’s keeping them there is guilt. “But my partner will be
crushed!” Guilt, and maybe a dash of fear. “If I leave, I’ll
never find anyone else. I’m scared of being alone.”
Furthermore, what about annoyance, irritation, and
anger? Those aren’t nice, are they? Stuff those down in
your belly too. And smile. Don’t forget to smile.
Ugh. What makes us do this? Why are we so disconnected
from ourselves? Why are we so afraid to be ourselves? The
answer, my friend, is guilt. Good, old-fashioned, guilt.
 HEALTHY GUILT VERSUS
DESTRUCTIVE GUILT
Your mom or dad, or whoever told you to not hurt others’
feelings had good intentions. They wanted you to be kind,
compassionate, aware of others, and a good person. This is
healthy. If someone is able to harm others without feeling
discomfort, guilt, or remorse, that’s part of the diagnostic
criteria for being a sociopath.
So, there is such a thing as healthy guilt. Guilt is a feeling
of regret or remorse for doing something that you would
rather have not done. This happens to all of us. We are
tired, or hungry or self-absorbed and we say or do
something that we don’t really mean.
Just two days ago, my second son Arman woke up around
5a.m., as he is known to do. He is a little guy, just ten
months old. He is bright-eyed, quick to smile, and
absolutely adorable. I love him so much it hurts. As he
woke up, I took him out of the bedroom so my wife and
other son could keep sleeping.
Unfortunately, in this moment, I had a strong need to pee.
Experience has taught me that setting little Mani down in
the bathroom is not ideal because he makes a hasty crawl-
dash towards the toilet, where he attempts to dip his little
pudgy hands into the mysterious contents within.
The alternative solution, which is holding him in one arm
while peeing, has also become problematic. He’s a gigantic
and strong baby, and often attempts to launch himself out
of my arms.
Therefore, I decide to set him down in the living room,
right next to the bathroom, leaving the door open so he
could see and hear me. As I walked into the bathroom to
experience sweet relief, I heard his piercing cry. Not the
kind of cry that’s a slow BUILD, so I could quickly take care
of business and then get him. No, this was the banshee wail
that would wake up the house. Grrr. I walked back to the
living room, feeling angry. I just wanted to pee for God’s
sake! As I reached down to pick him up, my teeth were
gritted tight and I wrapped my hands around his body with
more force than was needed. I hastily lifted him up, my
body language screaming, “Ughhh, what do you want
now?”
As soon as I had him in my arms, I noticed big tears
streaming down his face and for some reason his left eye
was puffy. When he felt my angry energy, he cried even
harder. This instantly snapped me out of my self-absorbed
state and I saw this sweet little guy in front of me. His
small sad face and puffy left eye broke my heart. I felt so
bad.
I hugged him tight, right against my heart as he calmed
down. “I’m sorry buddy,” I said as I swayed back and forth.
“I love you. I’m sorry I picked you up like that.” I felt his
little heart against mine and he instantly calmed down and
rested his body against mine as we shared a magic moment
in the early morning light. I still had to pee, but that didn’t
matter anymore.
Even as I write this, my heart hurts a little and I cry. This
is healthy guilt. This is the warning light that goes off when
I’m out of alignment with my values, with who I want to be
as a father. This guilt wakes me up and guides me back on
track. This is very different from destructive guilt.
DESTRUCTIVE GUILT
Destructive guilt is the guilt that most people feel most of
the time. It is a chronic sense of failing others, falling short,
not doing something right, not being good enough, and
otherwise being “bad.”
Here are just a few examples of destructive guilt from my
life and the lives of some of my clients.
Linda is asked out on a date by a man who is an avid
bicyclist. He suggests they go for a bike ride on their date.
Linda doesn’t really like that idea for a first date, and
doesn’t even own a bike. Nevertheless, she feels guilty
about telling him she’d rather do something else.
A friend asks Antoine if he can hang out on Saturday
evening. Antoine doesn’t really feel like going out, but he
doesn’t have specific plans. He tells his friend he won’t be
able to make it and feels strong guilt afterwards.
Chelsea is having an issue at work where one of her co-
workers comes to talk with her many times per day. This
interrupts her workflow and she doesn’t particularly enjoy
the conversations. When she imagines telling her co-worker
she’s busy and can’t talk right now, she experiences a
crushing sense of guilt and feels bad.
Vihaan is in a committed relationship and he loves his
partner. When he is out with his friends who are single, he
feels guilty if he talks to other women. He also feels guilty
for noticing women he finds attractive.
I walk into the house after work and my wife is having a
rough moment, feeling overwhelmed and exhausted taking
care of the two kids. I feel guilty for not having been there
during the day to help her.
Whatever You Do, Don’t Break the Rules
I could go on for days and days, listing clients’ stories and
my own. So much guilt, so much of the time. That’s why I
refer to it as a Guilt Bubble. It’s like an energy field. It
surrounds us everywhere we go. It distorts reality and
turns neutral events into terrible, bad things we’ve done to
hurt others and destroy the world.
When living in the Guilt Bubble, we’re like the villain of
our own movie. Always hurting people, letting them down,
doing “bad” things. This is a life swallowed by destructive
guilt.
What exactly is destructive guilt? As you read the
examples above, what did you notice? Is there a trend? A
common theme that makes them all the same? Take a
moment to review them now, what exactly makes this
destructive?
Some of the examples involve saying “no” to someone.
Expressing what you want and don’t want. This can stir up
all kinds of guilt, especially if you imagine the other person
wants something else.
Then there’s poor Vihaan. I relate to his struggle, as it’s
something that caused me great pain in many of my
relationships. I used to feel so guilty for noticing, talking to,
or feeling attracted to other women. What is going on here?
Each of these scenarios involves breaking a rule. If we
break certain rules, we feel guilt. Regardless of whether
the rule makes sense, is realistic, or we’re consciously
aware of it.
What are the rules impacting the people in the scenarios
above? Take a quick second to guess each one. This is an
extremely valuable and life-changing skill to develop. If you
can uncover the hidden rule behind your bad guilt, you can
break free from it. Often, you’ll see just how extreme and
unrealistic these rules really are. You’ll say to yourself,
“I’ve been trying to live by that?”
 Read those scenarios one more time and take a quick
guess for each one. What is the underlying rule that they
are breaking?
Once you’ve done that, continue reading.
Linda:
I should be flexible and go with the flow. If he’s really
excited about it and I shoot him down, he’ll feel rejected
and sad. It’s not OK to make someone feel that way.
Antoine:
I should always say yes to my close friends’ requests,
unless I have specific plans that make me unavailable.
Chelsea:
I should listen politely to my co-worker whenever he
wants to talk. If I send him away, he’ll feel hurt, angry,
and lonely. It’s not OK to make someone feel that way.
Vihaan:
I shouldn’t notice, talk to, or feel attracted to other
women. Doing so will hurt my partner’s feelings and that
is unacceptable.
Aziz:
I should be there to help Candace whenever she needs it,
so she never struggles alone with the kids.
Even as I write out my rule and make it more conscious, I
start to be free of it. When I see it on paper, it’s crazy. And
it’s treating Candace as if she’s a fragile creature that can’t
handle demand, challenge, or discomfort.
In truth, I know that demand, challenge, and
discomfort are the forces that cause us to grow and
become our fullest, most powerful selves. In fact,
they’re the very signs that we are developing. They’re
essential, healthy, and necessary. Not to mention that
Candace is incredibly strong and resilient. She works
through challenging and uncomfortable feelings and lets
them go more rapidly than anyone I’ve met.
These rules are not coming from our rational, adult
minds. They’re coming from deep within our emotional
brain that recorded hundreds of lessons from our years of
Nice Training. Lessons that your parents consciously
taught you, and lessons that you learned just by being an
observant, intelligent child. Mom gets mad when I resist
her and say no; therefore, saying no is bad. Dad gets upset
when I disagree with him; therefore, disagreeing with
others is bad.
Many of these rules are not even things you would agree
with if you slowed down and examined then consciously.
They’re just old programs you picked up long ago that
continue to guide your feelings and behavior, regardless of
whether you believe them.
In just a few chapters, we are going to have you come up
with your own set of rules. Your own Bill of Rights that
determines who you want to be in this world and how you
want to show up. Not because someone else told you that
you should, or out of fear of displeasing others, but from
deep in your own core. You will decide from a place of
power what is right for you.
But before you can do that, you have to flush out all the
debris. You can’t install a new program on top of a bunch of
old, conflicting ones. You have to uninstall those, then
install the one you want, the one that will serve you best,
the one that is the real you finally coming out to play and
enjoy your only life.
 YOUR RULES
So, what are your rules?
You actually have hundreds or even thousands of rules in
your head about all aspects of life. From what food you
order at a restaurant, to how you respond to a solicitor, to
what color your shoes should be based on your outfit. Don’t
worry, we don’t need to uncover every single rule. That
would be a long, exhausting, and unnecessary exercise
(although perhaps interesting).
No, we’re interested in only one set of rules—the ones
that tell you how you “should” be. How you should be
around others, what you should say and do, and what you
should never say and do. These are the rules about what is
acceptable and appropriate. What will make others like
you, or reject you. They’re also rules about how you should
feel, and which feelings are OK to express and which ones
are best kept hidden.
This is the set of rules you unconsciously use to determine
whether you are “good” or “bad.” Whether you are a
worthy, lovable human being, or a guilty, bad, selfish,
terrible, unlovable wretch.
Sound extreme? It’s not an exaggeration. All of us have an
inner critic that acts like a prosecutor and a judge. It’s
constantly evaluating what we do, think, and feel. It’s
inside our minds, so it’s aware of our innermost world,
including the stuff we prefer no one else know about.
If we have unrealistic rules that are impossible to follow,
like “I should never feel sad,” then we suffer. If we have
faulty rules that tell us to do two conflicting things at the
same time, like “be honest and speak your mind” and
“never hurt others’ feelings or cause upset,” then we suffer.
This suffering can take many forms.
 For me, it created a perpetual sense of failing, falling
short, and being inadequate. I felt anxious and afraid. I
thought I was afraid of others and their judgments.
Actually, I was afraid of my own inner critic, who would
ruthlessly attack me if I broke even the smallest rule.
This created a deep and lasting sense of shame, as if
there was something terribly wrong with me that I couldn’t
fix. Needless to say, I didn’t have the best self-esteem as a
result. And when our self-esteem is low, and we don’t think
much of ourselves, life is awesome, right? No! Life is hard.
We don’t reach out to people because we think we’re not
good enough for them. We don’t offer our opinions because
we think we’re not smart enough. We don’t hold relaxed
eye contact for long because we fear others will see all the
badness right beneath the surface.
This causes us to feel held back, stuck, and limited in
many areas of life. It creates that frustrating and
depressing feeling that we can’t get what we really want,
and never will. You know the one I’m talking about, right?
It sometimes leads to anger, sometimes to despair, but at
the end of the day, it’s just pain. The pain of not living the
life we want, of missing what matters most, and not truly
enjoying this magical experience of being alive. Worst of
all, we know on some level that what’s holding us back is
ourselves, but trying to just push through and “fake it until
you make it” doesn’t work.
Let’s get cracking. Coming up with this list of rules will
change your life. Because when you discover these rules,
you are discovering the exact decisions that determine how
you think, act, and feel. Uprooting the ones that are toxic
and unhelpful can liberate you from decades of oppressive
guilt. Changing one rule can transform relationships from
confined obligation-fests into joyous experiences of sharing
more love than you ever thought possible.
These statements are not hype. Changing your rules is
that powerful. The majority of this book is about helping
you do just that. In Part II and III, we are going to
obliterate the toxic rules that oppress you. You’re going to
get a fresh, clear, and empowering perspective on how to
relate to others, so you can be the most alive, unfettered,
fearless, and free version of yourself.
If you’re excited about that, then stick with me here.
Because if we don’t do the work in life, we never get the
results we want. Moreover, this inner work is the most
valuable thing you can do to transform your relationships,
feelings, income, success and everything else. So, let’s get
to work.
THE LIST
Now you’re going to create a list of the main rules that
affect you on a daily basis. There is a very easy way to
discover these rules because they all use the exact same
word: should.
I will ask you prompting questions about each of the core
areas of your life. For each one, write out a list of all the
ways your mind tells you that you should or should not be.
For example: How should you be in conversations with
others? What should you not do?
I should not interrupt someone when they’re talking.
I shouldn’t look away when someone is talking.
I shouldn’t change the subject.
I should convey that I’m interested in them.
I should ask questions to show I’m interested.
Make sense? This is just a short sample of your potential
rule list for conversations. Good God, this area is
dominated by our rules! Every client I work with who
struggles with conversation confidence has dozens of rules
for how they should be in every interaction. On top of that,
the rules are very serious and if you break them it’s a big
deal. It’s horribly offensive, people hate you, you’re an
asshole, and you die a miserable lonely death in a basement
apartment somewhere.
Enough of all this nonsense. Let’s get free. Ready to make
your list? I’ll ask you some questions about different areas
of your life, and then you come up with a list for each area.
Some areas will have a short list of rules, and some areas
will have a much longer list.
Below all these questions, I have an example of a list of
my rules from about seven years ago, when I was doing a
deep dive into this stuff. You can review that if you’re
unsure, or if you just want to see how messed up I am. I
mean was. Was. I’m perfect now.
Relationships: Are you in a romantic relationship right
now? If not, think back to the last one. If you’ve never been
in one, imagine being in one now. Think about daily life and
how you relate to your girlfriend, boyfriend, spouse, or
partner. What are some of the areas of conflict, frustration,
or challenge that arise? Perhaps you have discussions or
fights about these things. Or, perhaps you keep these
things inside, and only you know about certain complaints,
frustrations, or challenges. As you reflect on your
relationship, ask yourself these questions: How should I be
in in my relationship?
What should I do?
What should I never do?
What’s OK, and what’s not OK for me to do, think, and
feel?
Then write out a list of your shoulds in this area. Do that
now.
If you are stuck or unsure, you can refer to my list below
to get some ideas. If you are surprised by how many rules
you found, that’s a good thing. The more rules, and the
more tough they are to follow, the more restricted your life
is. Discovering them is a huge step toward breaking free.
Now, let’s expand beyond romantic relationships. Take a
moment to reflect on these questions, and then add more to
your list of shoulds: How should you be as a son or
daughter?
If you have children, how should you be as a parent? (This
list can be a doozy!) How should you be around colleagues
and co-workers?
How about strangers?
Take a few minutes to write out your shoulds about your
relationships now.
Conversations: It might seem strange to have a category
just for conversations since we covered relationships.
However, given my focus on social anxiety over the last
fifteen years, I’ve found that most people have a ton of
rules around exactly how they should be in conversations.
These can make conversations confining, boring, draining,
or oppressive experiences that leave us feeling anxious,
dissatisfied, and dreading more. This is why it’s important
to uncover the exact rules you have in conversations as
well; so, you can make the experience of talking and
connecting with others easy, enjoyable, spontaneous, and
fun.
Take a moment to think about all the different kinds of
conversations you have–with friends, coworkers,
acquaintances, business associates, and strangers.
How should you be in conversations with others?
What are you supposed to do?
What are you supposed to never do?
Write this list of shoulds now.
Work & Business: Think of all the things you do during
the day at work. The colleagues you interact with, the
projects and tasks you focus on, and customers or clients
you might deal with. As you imagine going through your
workday, what do you notice about your rules?
How should you be at work?
What activities and tasks should you be doing?
How should you be doing things?
Are you doing enough?
What are things you shouldn’t be doing?
Make your list of work rules now.
Sex:
This is another area with many hidden rules. When people
refer to “sexual hang-ups,” they are often referring to
places we’re uncomfortable because we have unconscious
rules that tell us certain things are bad or unacceptable.
These rules can create shame around our desires, and
tension and inhibition during sex.
Think back to some of your sexual experiences, especially
moments when you felt tense, uncomfortable, or ashamed. I
know it’s not pleasant, but this is powerfully healing
because you are uncovering the rules that made you feel
that way. What were you saying to yourself at the time?
How should you be during sex?
What should you be able to do?
What should happen?
What should never happen?
What’s OK, and what’s not OK?
Money:
Ahh, sex and money. What everyone wants more of, right?
Yet, we have so many rules in both areas that create great
amounts of suffering, regardless of how much we get. Take
a few moments to think about your relationship with
money. How do you feel when you think about the topic?
Happy, excited, energized? Tense, anxious, or scared? Sad
or down? Frustrated or dissatisfied? Ashamed? Whatever
you feel is a clue to what your rules are.
How should you be with money?
What should you be doing more of?
What should you be doing less of?
How much should be earning?
What should you be able to do in this area?
Health:
Health, including our food choices, exercise habits, and
appearance, is a hot button for rules. We have so many of
them, and they are often all-or-nothing, extreme,
conflicting, or distorted. This can lead to large amounts of
shame, guilt, judgment, and fear about our bodies, our
appearance, our diets, and everything else health related.
Let’s bring out all these rules into the light of your
awareness.
How should you be with your health and self-care?
What should your body look like?
How much should you weigh?
How should you be eating?
What should you never do?
---
OK! That’s enough. Whew, so many rules. So much inner
policing and control going on. How exhausting.
Were you surprised by how many there are? When I do
this exercise, I’m always shocked at how many rules I have
for myself. No wonder I feel tense and confined in this
situation. I am!
Here, as promised, is my list of rules from some years
back. I’ve done this exercise numerous times. Each time it
changes as I grow and evolve. This one is from seven years
ago, before I’d met Candace or had my children.
Aziz’s Rules (Circa 2010)
 Relationships
I should never say or do anything that causes pain in
another.
I should care for everyone who cares for me.
I should always feel loving towards my parents and want
to spend lots of time with them.
I should always listen to and provide support to people
who are in need.
I should be able to make every client (or other struggling
person) feel substantially better.
I should assertively and confidently approach every
beautiful woman I see (and win her approval).
I should always be direct, assertive, and honest with
everyone.
I should be totally honest with everyone all the time.
I should assertively ask for my needs in all situations.
I should be more outgoing and spend more time with my
housemates.
I should be outgoing and friendly with everyone at work.
I should be better with little kids.
I should never want people to notice me and view me as
special or great.
I should be the perfect son, brother, friend, lover,
therapist.
 Conversations
I should be charming and witty and always know what to
say.
I should never allow an awkward moment of silence in the
conversation.
I should always find a way to be interested in what the
other person is saying.
I should be affirming, positive, and encouraging when
they’re talking.
I should listen and reflect their viewpoints.
I shouldn’t disagree with others.
I shouldn’t debate with others.
I shouldn’t dismiss their viewpoints.
I shouldn’t change the subject abruptly.
I shouldn’t look away while they’re talking.
I shouldn’t do anything that makes them feel like I’m not
100% fully interested and engaged.
Work Activities I should never do things people could
disapprove of.
I should be more ambitious, driven.
I should be creating a website and coaching business in
my spare time.
I should keep track of every client and document at work.
I should be completely knowledgeable and competent.
I should never make a mistake.
Sexual Activities I should be totally uninhibited to say and
do whatever I want.
I should be more comfortable talking dirty.
I should be more masculine, direct, and assertive.
I should be the perfect lover.
I should always bring her to orgasm (before myself).
I should always get and maintain an erection.
I should always be able to orgasm.
 Money and Finances I should spend less money.
I should earn more money.
I should eat out less.
I should have better understanding of investments and
finance.
I should understand my taxes better.
I should know what I’m spending and where and have a
clear, precise budget.
Health & Self-Care I should never use porn.
I should never smoke tobacco.
I should only use pot once every two weeks, tops.
I should have better posture.
I should stretch more.
I should never eat fast food or junk food.
I should eat more greens.
I should cook my own dinners.
I should be more fit and muscular.
What do we do with this fine list of inner laws? Burn it.
Free yourself and live with no rules! No, I’m kidding. I have
no idea what you wrote down. Perhaps you had: “I should
never hit my child.” That’s a rule worth keeping. You may
still agree with some of your rules, those that are actually
in line with your values and how you want to be.
Other rules might seem oppressive and extreme. If you
ask why you should follow that rule, and your mind says,
Because you should. To disobey would be bad and wrong.
That, as you’ll see in Part III, is not sufficient reason to
keep a rule. It has to fit with who you are and come from
your values, not some old programming unconsciously
passed down from your parents, who got it from their
parents, and so on.
For now, you’re just going to do one more thing with this
list. Go through and mark the rules that really reflect your
core values. Ones that affirm who you are and how you
want to be. Mark those with a star or a smiley face.
Then, go through and look for the rules that are crushing
you. The ones that keep you feeling confined, inadequate,
guilty, and stuck. The ones that are life restricting and
preventing you from being your full, free, alive self. Mark
those suckers with an unhappy face. We’ll get back to them
soon.
So now, you have the core distinction between healthy
guilt and destructive guilt. Healthy guilt comes from your
true values and keeps you on track. Destructive guilt comes
from faulty rules that you don’t really agree with, but
accepted when you were young. Making this list helps you
determine which rules are which.
Destructive guilt can also occur when you break one of
your values. Instead of healthy guilt kicking in to steer you
in the right direction, destructive guilt swoops down and
smashes you, telling you what a rotten person you are. In
this case, the reason the guilt turned sour is because of its
intensity, duration, and global assessment of you as a
terrible father, or mother, or friend, or boss. This intense
self-attack doesn’t help you reaffirm your values and
course-correct, it diminishes your self-esteem and makes
you less likely to make lasting positive changes.
As you read the second part of this book, you will
strengthen your own viewpoints, beliefs, and self-esteem.
This will allow you to combat this guilt and not fall victim to
it so easily. You will also discover dozens of new rules that
will liberate you and help you create healthy, satisfying
relationships. Then, in Part III, you will further define your
own rules and release old ones that don’t serve you.
But before we leave this discussion of guilt, there is one
important thing to talk about. This is a pattern that causes
endless guilt, makes it insanely difficult to say no, ask for
what you want, speak up for yourself, or do much of
anything without feeling like a bad person. It’s the pattern
of taking too much responsibility for other people’s
feelings.
 OVER-RESPONSIBILITY
“Baby, are you OK?” my wife asked me in the darkness.
I was lying in our sprawling family bed, which manages to
hold my wife, our two small children, and me. Usually
feeling their warm little bodies next to mine and listening
to them breath brings me a great sense of joy and deep
peace. Not tonight. Tonight, I was feeling tense, agitated,
and miserable. It was late on Thursday and I had just
completed my coaching, teaching, and training calls for the
week. Instead of feeling satisfied, fulfilled, and proud, I felt
scared and uneasy.
“I feel so guilty,” I replied. “Like everyone wants
something from me and I’m letting everyone down.”
“Oh... Like who?” she asked in a whisper.
“I feel like everyone in my mastermind program wants
more of my time and attention during the group calls, and
the coaches on my team want more supervision and
training calls.” No one had stated this. In fact, people were
often expressing gratitude about their wins and progress. I
knew what I was saying was distorted and inaccurate, but I
was completely lost in the story.
“And I feel like I’m letting you and Zaim and Arman down.
You guys want more time with me and I’m letting you down
too. My kids are growing up and I’m missing it,” I added,
on a dramatic note.
“You’re awfully involved for a dad who’s missing it,” my
wife replied. Funny and sweet. Just two of the two hundred
reasons why I love her.
Now that I’d gotten the stories out, I was able to feel my
feelings more. We talked late into the night, enjoying a rare
opportunity for uninterrupted adult conversation, even if it
meant less sleep.
 During our conversation, I realized how much of my
stress and guilt was coming from taking too much
responsibility for everyone in my life. It was my job to make
sure everyone felt completely comfortable at all times. No
missing, no wanting, no frustration. In fact, I needed to
anticipate their desires and preemptively satisfy them
before they became upset. Because if someone was upset
with me for any reason, it was my fault and I was a bad guy
who needed to fix it instantly.
This is Over-Responsibility, one of the many curses of the
nice person. I’m no stranger to this one, and I have actively
worked to let go of a vast majority of my care taking of
others. Yet, as evidenced by the story above, it’s still there.
Especially when I take on more, step outside of my comfort
zone, and reach a new level of impact and influence. The
more people I interact with, the more opportunities there
are for that nice guy programming to pop up and start
running amok.
Over-Responsibility is another pattern we learned in
childhood. As young children, we would see Mom or Dad
get angry, anxious, or sad, and instantly assume it was our
fault. When we are very young, we are unable to
understand that others are separate people, with their own
experiences, feelings, and desires. This capacity doesn’t
come online until we’re older, but by then we may have
already made some strong decisions. We figure out the best
way to respond when we “make Dad angry” or “make Mom
anxious.” We might decide to hide, approach, console, hug,
act out, try to be funny, or become completely quiet and
still.
Flash forward twenty, or thirty, or fifty years, and we may
be doing the same thing. You walk into your office on
Monday morning of the successful business you own. Rock
star. You’re navigating all the challenges of your industry,
making tough decisions, and have steadily grown your
business for five years in a row. Yet, when you walk through
those doors and the first employee you interact with seems
tense, irritable, and short, your mind starts to spin.
What’s going on with him? Is he pissed at me because I
was out of the office on Thursday and Friday last week? Was
it too much work and he didn’t like it?
Beneath these worried thoughts is anxiety. There’s fear,
tension, and discomfort in your body. A sense of threat. All
is not well. I must figure this out and solve it in order to be
safe, to be at peace.
That’s exactly what Over-Responsibility does to us. It
makes us feel completely responsible for everyone else’s
feelings, with a strong compulsion to make sure everyone
feels happy, relaxed, content, and generally good in all
scenarios. This might sound impossible and problematic. It
is. It becomes even more so as you interact with more and
more people, whether it be in business, your love life, or
socially.
This tendency to take too much responsibility for others’
feelings creates large amounts of anxiety and guilt (as well
as hidden resentment). In fact, the rules from your list that
are causing you the most guilt are likely ones that demand
you don’t “cause” any negative feelings in others. The nicer
someone is, the more guilt they feel about this.
TAKING CARE VERSUS CARE-TAKING
It’s amazing what language can do. I’ve discovered over
years of doing clinical psychology work and then coaching
that sometimes a single word change can make the
difference between strong fear, and mild anxiety. Or a “big
fight” and a “simple discussion.”
For example, the Semantic Technique I learned while
training with Dr. David Burns at Stanford University, is
simple yet powerful, and only changes one word. With all
those toxic rules, you simply replace the word “should”
with “prefer.”
“I should get 100% of the questions right” becomes, “I’d
prefer to get 100% of the questions right.”
“I should have said something different” becomes, “I’d
prefer to have said something different.”
This one is powerful. Feel free to begin using it now with
the rules you uncovered that don’t serve you. We will do
much more in Part II to dismantle those; this is just a
simple technique you can use immediately.
Another simple word shift is between “taking care” of
others versus “care-taking” others. What’s the difference?
Taking care of others means being aware of other people
and their needs, and considering these in your decisions. It
comes from respecting others, and wanting to support
them and maintain good relations.
Care-taking is a different story. In Merriam-Webster
dictionary, it’s defined as:
1. The act of taking care of land or buildings while the
owner is not there.
2. To give physical or emotional care to someone (such as
a child, or old person, or someone who is sick).
Obviously, the second definition is more relevant in our
discussion, but the first one also reveals something
interesting. I’m taking care of someone’s land or buildings,
and they’re not even there. Therefore, in that situation, I
am entirely responsible. If their shit burns down while
they’re gone, that’s 100% on me.
Similarly, in the second definition, notice the examples of
people one might care-take. Children, the elderly, and the
infirm. These people need certain kinds of help because
they cannot do it themselves. Your grandmother might
need someone to help lift her out of her wheelchair and
into the bed because her legs are not strong enough to do
so herself. My kids need me to help them understand and
regulate their emotions because they don’t know how to
yet. In these instances, care-taking is great. It’s needed.
However, when we’re living in a world where we’re
entirely responsible for the feelings of everyone around us,
we become constant care-takers. We are subconsciously
assuming and treating others as if they are young children
who cannot manage their own feelings. This misconception
creates stress, burnout and an endless supply of bad guilt.
It sets up unrealistic demands of how responsive you
should be, and causes you to give more than you want to,
and say “no” much less than you need to.
This urge to care-take can exist in all relationships, but it
tends to be strongest in our dating and intimate
relationships. This is because we like, love, or care about
another person deeply, and what we say and do does affect
them emotionally. This makes it next to impossible to be
direct and honest if we have a strong habit of care-taking.
We just couldn’t possibly hurt their feelings in any way.
“I couldn’t possibly tell him that I don’t want to keep
seeing him. He’s so sweet and loving.”
“I just can’t break up with her. It’s going to break her
heart, and I can’t do that to her. She can’t handle it.”
When clients in my groups say things like this, I often
highlight the care-taking by exaggerating it. “You’re right.
They probably can’t handle that. How could you do that to
them? The only reasonable and honorable thing to do is to
stay with her. Eventually you should marry her and have
children.”
This often makes them laugh and smile, and breaks the
care-taker trance. But our work is far from done. Even if
they see it’s absurd, and that it’s in their best interest to
break up, they feel oppressive amounts of guilt and waves
of I’m-a-bad-person-ness.
I know this feeling well, and I know how overpowering it
can feel. Once the guilt switch flips, it can feel like no
matter what we say to ourselves, nothing can stop the
onslaught. I remember one instance when I agreed to help
Candace move. This was when we first began dating, and
she was in the early stage of the divorce process. She was
moving out of the home she shared with her ex-husband
and into her own place.
Being the “good boyfriend,” I said I would help her move.
When I got there, however, I was overwhelmed with a
strong urge to leave. It was too much, too soon. Too much
involvement in her relationship with her ex-husband, and I
didn’t like it.
For the vast majority of my life, I would have felt this
discomfort and stuffed it down. I would have followed my
inner set of shoulds and been the nice guy. In this case: you
should help your girlfriend move.
Fortunately, I’d been doing some of the work you’re doing
right now. I was in a men’s group that was helping me see
that noticing my inner reactions and taking care of myself
are good things. They actually allow me to be supportive
and loving in the long term.
In fact, I’ll never forget what one group member told me.
His name was Allen and he was a former divorce attorney
in his late sixties. He said, “Aziz, every time I saw a case
where the wife had a new boyfriend, and he showed up to
all our meetings, and was the real knight-in-shining-armor
type, their relationship was over in a few months.”
Snap. His words struck me as true and I could see from
the outside exactly why this would be the case. Too
involved. Too pleasing. Too nice.
And so that sunny summer afternoon I told Candace, “I’m
sorry, baby. I don’t think I can help you do this. It feels too
involved. I think I’m going to leave and let you and your
friends take care of it.”
She understood. Two of her friends looked at me as I
shared this, and one said, “Oh...” Candace later told me
this was because her friends liked me and were
disappointed I wouldn’t be hanging out that afternoon. I, of
course, didn’t interpret it that way. Here’s what my mind
did:
“Oh...” = “Wow, what a selfish asshole you are. Your poor
girlfriend is going through so much, leaving her home of
ten years, and all she needs is some support and someone
to help her pack up, but you are just going to leave because
you feel uncomfortable. What a bad, selfish, bad, bad
person you are. I look down upon you, sir.”
And that’s exactly how I felt driving away. Like a bad, bad
person. Disrespectful and unworthy of love. At least that’s
what my mind was telling me. But, at the same time, I knew
something was different. Even though I was feeling badly,
part of me knew this was good. I knew I was taking a step
towards shedding the nice guy programming that had been
controlling my life for decades. I knew I was onto
something.
Here’s the thing. You are not responsible for other
people’s feelings. They’re not incompetent children.
They’re adults who can handle their own feelings. They can
work through disappointment, hurt, anger, sadness, and
upset. In fact, doing so will make them stronger and
healthier in the long run. You cannot stop others from
feeling all discomfort, or all pain. It is an impossible task, a
fool’s errand.
You’ll learn exactly how to turn this new philosophy into a
reality in the second part of this book. For now, watch your
tendency and urge to care-give during the next few days
and weeks. Pay attention to your discomfort around being
honest or direct. Notice when you’re uncomfortable with
someone having unpleasant feelings. And notice how much
you avoid saying or doing things to make sure no one ever
feels upset. Notice how much you manage, control, and
construct what you say to preserve everyone’s feelings. You
just might be surprised at how often and intensely this
happens. The more you notice, the better, because
awareness will set you free (combined with action of
course).
But What About Jesus?
One major source of guilt for many people is due to their
religious and spiritual beliefs. In an attempt to guide us to
being more generous, kind, loving, and godly people, we
are taught how to be and how not to be. This can provide
the foundation of a powerful moral compass and a deep
sense of integrity. It can also create unobtainable standards
that lead to a continual spring of inadequacy and guilt.
I was raised as a Muslim and went to Christian schools.
Even though my family was not very religious, I was
exposed to the teachings of the Old Testament, Jesus, and
the prophet Mohammad (peace be upon him). The guidance
in these teachings can be helpful, soothing, and healing.
However, it all depends on how it is taught and how we
understand it. Just the other morning, I was listening to a
preacher’s sermon. I enjoy reading and listening to
teachings of all faiths and cultures, from Christian to
Taoism to Lakota. In this sermon, the preacher was
encouraging people to “be like Jesus.”
“In your lives, you must think and act like Jesus. Test
every thought to make sure it’s obedient with Christ.” He
went on to say, “Jesus is our standard. Ask yourself, ‘Would
Jesus think this way. Would Jesus act this way? Would Jesus
feel this way?’”
He then gave a description of what Jesus was like, “Jesus
is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness,
meekness, and self-control. He is not envious or greedy,
and does not harbor selfish ambition.”
So far so good, right? This seems to be guiding us
towards being more loving, better humans. Except, what if
you feel impatient? What if you binge on the chips and soda
and don’t have self-control at the super bowl party? What if
you feel bitter or secretly “harbor selfish ambition”?
While some people may be good at seeing these things in
themselves, and then meeting them with love, compassion,
and God’s forgiveness, that’s not what I’ve seen in most.
Most people feel bad and guilty for having these flaws,
weaknesses and imperfections. They harbor deep self-
loathing and feel guilty on a daily basis for continually
falling short.
The unconscious logic goes something like this: If I think,
feel, or act in a wicked way, then I should be punished. I will
criticize myself brutally, which will make me feel unlovable
and worthless, which will motivate me to “try harder” and
“do better.”
While it may seem effective at first glance, and indeed
may be how you were raised as a child, this doesn’t lead to
the best results. Increased self-criticism and self-hatred
leads to more shame, which actually leads to more behavior
that is negative. Because when you feel terrible inside, how
loving are you with others? When you feel terrible inside,
how much self-control do you have to eat better and take
care of yourself?
My goal here is not to challenge your faith or religious
convictions. My goal here is to help you out of guilt, into
forgiveness and ease with yourself. If you’re a Christian, or
a Muslim, or Jew, or anything else, my goal is to make you a
happier, more loving, better one. The key is to release this
oppressive layer of guilt. It’s not making you a better
person; it’s not bringing you closer to God or your brothers
and sisters on this planet. It’s isolating and destroying you.
And it’s time for a change in how you treat yourself.
 CHAPTER 4:

DON’T BE MAD
“Hello?” I said as I picked up my phone.
“Hi, is this Aziz?” said a man’s voice.
“Yes,” I replied.
“Hi, this is Brandon from Elite Phlebotomy. You’re
scheduled for a blood draw at 6 a.m. One of my employees
called in sick, something to do with her kid. I don’t have
anyone who can come out there. Can we reschedule?”
This blood draw required a fast. Which meant I woke up,
went to the gym and worked out without eating anything. It
sucked and my workout was hard. I had a mild headache. I
was pissed.
“So, here’s the thing. I’ve already collected my urine
sample, and that needs to go out today. I also fasted this
morning and went to the gym, which was difficult. Now I’m
heading home early to make it to this appointment in ten
minutes, so rescheduling at this point is not cool.”
That’s right, not cool. I said it. My voice was calm and
firm. I didn’t sound angry or aggressive, I sounded firm and
a little irritated, which I was.
“Oh, OK. Let’s see,” said Brandon. “I have another draw
now, but I can come by around 7 a.m. today. Would that
work?”
“That could work,” I replied. “You’ll be here at 7a.m.?” I
confirmed.
“Yes,” he said.
Sound simple?
The truth is I never would have done something like this
years ago. I would have been much more agreeable,
accommodating, and flexible. I also would not have let any
irritation or dislike of the situation show in my voice,
because showing any form of anger was bad. Years ago, I
was trapped in a cage of niceness and terrified of my own
anger, other’s anger, disagreement, and conflict.
In this chapter, we are going to uncover that pattern of
conflict avoidance so you can see how this operates inside
of you. This will give you insight, and perhaps profound
relief. Living in constant fear of anger and conflict creates
chronic tension and persistent anxiety. You might not even
realize just how much unease it is currently creating in
your life.
Do you remember the example about over-responsibility
from the previous chapter in which I was up at night,
worried about letting everyone down? While it was showing
up as guilt and anxiety, guess what was really underneath?
If I let people down, they’ll be upset with me, angry. This
fear of someone being upset is often lurking behind our
anxiety and guilt.
Once you know how to handle confrontation, and that it’s
not that bad, you naturally begin to feel more solid, safe,
strong, and confident in the world. That is exactly what
you’ll learn how to do in the next part of this book. But
first, you must transform the way you think about anger,
conflict, and upset in general.
Let’s start with this question: is anger good or bad?
What do you think? What’s your initial gut reaction? For
most nice people, anger is an unacceptable, undesirable,
and generally bad emotion. If one is nice, one shouldn’t feel
angry, irritated, or upset with others.
These are the stories I lived by for decades. I would get
anxious or depressed, but never angry. Sure, once in a
while I’d feel enraged at another driver on the road, but
these instances were internal and hidden.
I used to be so uncomfortable with anger that not only
would I stuff it down, I would secretly judge others for not
doing the same. If my friend was driving us somewhere,
and he was pissed off at another driver, I’d think: Man, he
really needs to calm down. He gets way too worked up. If I
heard someone sound irritable or raise their voice in a
conversation, I’d judge them as not patient enough, or
otherwise emotionally weak and out of control.
Do you have similar views of anger? Is it a sign of
weakness? Of not being patient, flexible, assertive, evolved,
or spiritual enough? Is it a problem and a bad sign for
relationships if someone gets angry? How many times per
week do you get angry?
 ANGER-PHOBIA
My discomfort and judgment came from a deep fear of
anger–in myself and in others. This came from being a
sensitive kid who felt things deeply, both my own emotions
and those of people around me. Growing up, I had two
models of anger, as did most of us. Mom and Dad.
My dad is like many men of his generation. He was taught
to be tough, not too “soft,” to man up and get things done.
Don’t think too much, and certainly don’t sit around feeling
your feelings. This leads to a limited capacity to identify
and express emotion, especially tender or vulnerable
feelings. As a result, fear, inferiority, hurt, resentment, and
other emotions stay inside until the pressure reaches a
critical level and the valve breaks, and out pours anger.
Hot, loud, and intense.
My dad’s loud, booming voice scared me as a kid.
Whether he was yelling at me or my mom or brother, I felt
a terrible, scared, sick feeling in my stomach. This taught
me that anger is no good. It hurts people, it’s out of control,
it’s unproductive, it’s bad.
My mom tended to be more passive. She absorbed anger
and didn’t fight back. She was very patient with us and only
occasionally lost it and chased us, threatening us with some
nearby item, be it a hairbrush, belt, or shoe. I smile as I
write this though, because I don’t ever remember being
scared of her anger.
What did your parents teach you about anger? What did
they model for you? What conclusions did you come to?
Pause for a moment and reflect. Let yourself think about
this over the next day or two as you go about your life.
These insights are important in helping you see how you
relate to anger now.
 You also may have received direct messages and training
from your parents. In my house growing up, we didn’t
spend much time talking about feelings. Each member of
the family was left to navigate those on their own. Hence, I
learned that to talk about feelings was strange, abnormal,
and generally not something you did with others. In some
households, parents directly tell their children not to be
angry, or to “be nice.” They may criticize them for feeling
angry or punish them for acting angry.
All of these experiences come together to condition us to
have a certain relationship with anger, which is usually not
an optimal one. For most nice people, anger is suppressed,
viewed as bad, and avoided at all costs. In a sense, we have
a phobia of anger. A phobia is an extreme irrational fear or
aversion to something.
What are your fears about feeling angry or expressing
anger? Once we clear away all the judgments about how
anger is bad and shows you are inflexible, unevolved, and
weak, and we look at the fear underneath, I find there are
three major ones lurking in the shadows:
Fear of Hurting Others
One fear is that because anger is “bad,” it only hurts
people and makes things worse. Anger is harsh, mean,
critical, and hateful. It is the opposite of love, acceptance,
patience and kindness. Hence, if I’m angry with someone,
especially if I express that anger, I’m going to do nothing
but hurt their feelings. They are going to feel sad, guilty,
uncomfortable, crushed, or hurt. This makes me a bad
person and I will then feel guilty.
Fear of Retaliation
The next fear we have of anger is that people will fight
back. If I’m angry with someone and I show it in any direct
way, they’re going to come back twice as strong. They’re
going to dismiss my grievances or complaints and counter
attack. They will criticize or belittle me and become harsh
or angry with me.
Alternatively, we fear they will retaliate in a more passive,
sneaky way. They may pretend as if everything is fine and
even apologize. Then they will go behind my back and do
something to thwart me. They’ll criticize me to others, or
grow more distant from me, or perform poorly in our work
together and cause problems.
Fear of Loss
One major fear of anger is that it will lead to the loss of a
relationship. For many, anger is the opposite of connection,
and thus means the end. This one can be particularly
convincing because in the heat of anger we might have
strong thoughts such as: That’s it! I’ve had it. I can’t do this
anymore. I’m going to break up with him! (Or fire her, or
leave this group, or whatever the case may be.)
We fear that feeling and expressing anger only tears
things down and breaks things apart. We don’t see it as
having any positive or productive quality in relationships,
so we fear it is the scary signal of the beginning of the end.
Feeling Versus Doing
One interesting distinction that I see many clients miss,
and that I didn’t understand for years, is the difference
between feeling and doing. When it comes to anger, for
many people the two are fused together. That means
feeling angry means you act angry by saying mean things,
becoming cold or distant, or yelling at someone. But in
reality, there is a big difference between feeling angry and
acting angry.
In a recent session, I was exploring the challenges a
client was facing at work. She had a boss who interrupted
her, shot her ideas down, and generally made it difficult for
her to speak up confidently in meetings and other group
discussions. She felt demoralized and insecure about her
performance. She also felt anxious before meetings, and
generally became quiet.
As we discussed the situation and I heard examples of
what her boss would say to her, I said, “Wow, that sounds
really annoying. I would be pissed if someone talked to me
that way.” I made sure I sounded pissed as I said that
sentence. This subtly gave her permission to feel angry,
which I could see she was not allowing. She was just aware
of feeling anxious and inferior.
“Yeah,” she replied, laughing.
I find when I speak to clients’ anger directly, they often
laugh. I think it’s the laugh of relief. It’s OK to feel angry
here, whew.
“Do you feel angry about being interrupted and shot
down?” I asked.
“I do.” She said quickly. “I hate it. And I get so angry at
her for doing it. Inside I want to scream and tell her to shut
up. But I could never do anything like that, obviously. In
fact, I can’t say anything critical to her at all. She’s so
sensitive.”
Notice what just happened there. My client acknowledged
her anger, which is actually a great step forward out of the
nice cage into the more authentic, powerful version of
herself. But she limited her ability to feel it. She started to
move towards it, then immediately jumped to, “but I could
never say anything about it.”
There is a big difference between feeling and doing. We
can feel whatever we want. In fact, I believe it’s optimal
and extremely healthy to feel everything inside ourselves.
This includes all emotions, especially the ones that are
uncomfortable that we call “negative,” including anger,
sadness, fear, hurt, loneliness, emptiness, rage, and many
others. The more we can give ourselves complete
permission to feel anything, and know that it doesn’t mean
anything about us, the freer we become. In addition, it
doesn’t mean we necessarily have to do anything either.
We’re just feeling.
So, in the example with this client, it would be beneficial
for her to feel her anger towards her boss. I mean really
feel it. In fact, later in that session we did a role-play where
she expressed all her anger towards her boss, as if she
were speaking directly to her. The more she got into it, the
more expressive and heated it became.
This is good. This is huge. When you stop suppressing
anger and let yourself feel it, knowing it won’t
automatically make you do something, you become much
more confident and powerful. My client is not going to go
say all these things to her boss. That would be ineffective.
But she needs to feel her anger in order to release it. By
doing so she not only feels relief, she also reconnects to her
power and her sense of agency. She is back in the driver’s
seat of her life; she is a creator rather than a victim.
Now we can discuss how to communicate assertively with
her boss and others at work. She can use her anger as fuel
to speak up. The anger is like a hot fire that releases
energy and heat. It is raw, wild, and intense. But we can
run this energy through an internal machine that refines it
and turns it into something productive—assertiveness.
You’ll learn much more about how to use this energy and
speak up for yourself consistently and powerfully in Part II
of this book.
 CONFLICT AVOIDANCE
If you learned that anger is bad, it hurts others, and shows
you are weak or unlovable, guess what happens?
Avoidance, of course. If something is scary, uncomfortable,
threatening and only leads to pain and problems in
relationships, and it makes you a “bad person,” then why
on earth would you not try to avoid it?
So, we become masters of conflict avoidance. The nicer
we are, the better we become at this. And it’s not just
conflict. We become skilled at avoiding all forms of
argument, disagreement, tension, differing opinions, or
upset. Instead of bending over backwards to accommodate
people, we become like ultra-flexible yogis who can contort
their bodies into strange shapes.
You may be aware that you’re doing this conflict
avoidance dance, and you may not be. I became so skilled
at this that it was like a program that was running in the
background of a computer. I didn’t even consciously do it
most of the time. It came across in every aspect of my
behavior: the way I greeted people, what I would say, the
questions I would ask, what I would share versus hold
back, how I looked at people, and so much more.
Are you a master of conflict avoidance and great at
smoothing things over? Do you instantly pick up what mood
someone is in and start to accommodate it? If they seem
tense or upset, do you try to cheer them up? Or do you
steer clear, tiptoe around, and walk on eggshells so as to
not disturb them?
Let’s uncover two of the major ways you might be
consistently avoiding conflict, disagreement, or friction.
Going into this topic directly can be a little uncomfortable,
especially if you’ve been avoiding it for years. Worse still,
part of you knows that uncovering these patterns will
eventually lead to you having more conflict, disagreement,
and friction in your life. Yikes!
However, here’s why it’s a good thing. While conflict and
disagreement don’t feel good, they’re part of having direct
contact with your fellow humans. Direct contact means you
show up fully, are present with others, look them in the eye,
listen to them, share what you think and feel, and have a
real connection. It’s the opposite of staying small, avoiding
eye contact, and displaying just a small fraction of yourself
that you hope will receive their approval.
This is an important point, and amounts to a fundamental
shift in how you move through the world. I spent many
years afraid of direct contact. I wanted love and
connection, just like every human does, but I didn’t want
tension, differing opinions, anger, or any of that scary stuff.
I just wanted nice, pleasant interactions amongst nice,
pleasant people.
Unfortunately, partial contact creates partial connection
and only partial fulfillment. It’s cowardly. It’s being too
scared to put myself out there in the world. It’s trying to
get the good feelings without any risk. It’s trying to fill my
heart up while still keeping it guarded and defended. And it
doesn’t work.
If you want to experience a rich, fulfilling,
meaningful and significant life, direct contact is
required. You must step up and claim your right to be
here: Here I am. I am here. I have a right to be here. I
belong here. I am me, and I matter. Not because I’m the
smartest, or the best, or perfect. Just because. Permission
was granted by my birth.
In other words, to have the life you want–love,
relationships, success, confidence, power, freedom–you
must be all in. You must be willing to feel the full spectrum
of human emotion, and experience the full spectrum of
human contact. This includes laughter, shared joy, and
sweet harmony. Those moments where you feel in harmony,
madly in love, and like your life is magnified a thousand-
fold by having someone so amazing to share it with. But it
also involves disagreement, having hard conversations, and
navigating conflict and hurt feelings. Believe it or not,
conflict is your doorway to having the life you really want.
“The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.”
- Joseph Campbell
THE SUBMISSIVE STANCE
The most common form of conflict avoidance is simply to
adopt a submissive stance in our relationships. This tried
and true strategy has been used throughout time, and is
one that I used for years. It harkens back to our days as
pack animals with a clearly defined social hierarchy. Think
wolves, or chimpanzees.
In that pack, you have the leaders, or the ones that are
vying for “alpha” status. You also have the members of your
tier two crew, who are not gunning for the top, but they’re
sure to hang on to their position in the pack. Then you have
your omega-types. These ones are down at the bottom of
the hierarchy, afraid of others, passive, submissive.
A number of years back I watched a documentary about
this status hierarchy in wolves, lions, and other animal
packs. It was fascinating. I remember watching the alpha
wolf chasing off the omega from a caribou carcass. The
alpha wolf had already eaten, and the tier two wolves were
surrounding the fallen beast, eating as much as they could.
The poor omega wolf tried to get close and he was chased
off, for no reason, other than to communicate: Not yet. You
don’t eat until I say you can eat. Got it?
The segment on adolescent lions was even more intense.
There was a pack of seven male lions who banded together
to hunt, until they grew up enough to meet some lionesses
and make stuff happen. At one point, they killed a zebra
and were in a tight circle around the animal as they ate.
There was just enough space for six of the seven lions.
Everyone but the omega. The only place he could get
access was the zebra’s head. He sat there timidly licking
the hairy scalp, ready to dash off should the alpha, or any
other lion in the pack, decide to chase him. As I watched
this disturbing display, the narrator said in a calm
Australian accent, “in these types of packs, the omega does
not often get enough food to eat, and does not survive.
Even if he does, he is not a desirable male and will never
find a mate.” Harsh.
While these examples might seem extreme and irrelevant
to us highly evolved humans, you may be surprised by how
much we operate in similar ways. Have you ever been
nervous to make eye contact with someone? Have you ever
made eye contact and then instantly looked away, without
consciously doing it? It was as if some deep instinctual
programming forced you to look down, even though you
were intending to meet their gaze head on. Guess what?
Deep instinctual programming made you do that.
We are primates and we are pack animals. In any given
social situation, we’re assessing where we fall in the pack
hierarchy and behaving accordingly. Based upon
appearance, wealth, position in an organization, authority,
knowledge, clothing, skill level, and many other criteria, we
are determining if we are above or below this person. This
happens mostly unconsciously, but is happening
nonetheless.
When we’re afraid of conflict, confrontation, or friction of
any kind, we automatically adopt the most submissive
stance we can. To imagine what that might be, think back
to our chimpanzee or wolf friends. The omega wolf does not
look at the alpha directly, he keeps his head down, his
movements are fast and appear nervous, and his eyes dart
from left to right. If another wolf passes him, he steps back,
out of his way. If they move towards him directly–if they
confront him–what does he do? He rolls onto his side or
back and lifts his paws up to expose his belly. The universal
gesture of supplication and submission. “Please don’t hurt
me.”
Chimpanzees will do very similar things. They will also
produce a large smile to indicate they mean no harm.
“Please, do not hurt me; I am no threat to you.”
Do you see any subtle forms of these behaviors in how
you interact with others? Do you often avoid eye contact,
tending to look away or look down often? If someone
speaks their mind firmly and strongly, do you tend to step
aside and let them take the floor? Do you hesitate and avoid
speaking up in groups? Are you nervous or hesitant in
settings where there are authorities, bosses, or the
“executive team”? Do you avoid directly approaching
women or men that you find attractive?
Perhaps you do the primate smile thing. That one was my
bread and butter. I’d smile so much while talking with
people. I’d also be quick to laugh at anything they said. And
my laugh would be a bit too hard, too much, too forced. We
often smile and laugh to send the social signal: I like you.
Please like me.
Another submissive stance favorite that seems to be
unique to humans is the heavy use of apologies. We can say
“I’m sorry” so frequently, and for so many different things,
it just becomes a habit. We end up apologizing hastily if we
bump shoulders on the train, both grab the door handle at
the same time, start to speak up at the same time, and so
many other instances that don’t actually warrant an
apology. We may consider it “politeness,” but it is actually
rooted in submissiveness and conflict avoidance. Don’t
worry, I have a fun game in store for you in Chapter 12 that
will help you end over-apologizing.
For now, can you see how you’re moving through life,
adopting a submissive stance everywhere you go? Or for
you it might not be everywhere, just in certain situations at
work or in your romantic life. When I really got just how
much I was doing this, how much it pervaded every social
interaction I had, I was shocked. And I decided I needed to
do something about it fast.
The good news is changing your stance towards others is
relatively easy. It does require awareness, effort, and
leaning into the edge of your comfort zone. That’s exactly
what you’re here to learn how to do. Sure, it can be
uncomfortable at first, but compared to our wolf and lion
friends, we have it easy. I don’t think the omegas in those
packs could simply choose to show up differently. Their
pack structure is in large part based on physical strength.
If that omega wolf decided one day that he wasn’t going to
take it, and approached the alpha directly, he’d be beat
down hard.
However, our hierarchies are much more abstract and
malleable. In fact, as soon as you stop buying into a given
metric of status, you’ve broken free. For example, if you
truly did not care about how much money someone had,
you would walk into a room full of billionaires and interact
freely and confidently. You could start conversations, make
jokes, and just be yourself. If, on the other hand, you were
locked into the cultural mindset that your net worth equals
your human worth, then it would be a different story. You’d
be nervous about entering that room, you’d be hesitant to
approach people, join into groups, and engage others for
fear of them looking down upon you.
In just a few short chapters, you’ll be learning exactly
how to end this insanity, so you can boldly be yourself
around anyone, no matter how wealthy, accomplished, or
beautiful. We’ll also help you eliminate the submissive
stance so you show up as your full, powerful self–the real
you–not some inhibited, timid, limited version of yourself.
 To clarify, I’m not saying that smiling, laughing, choosing
not to share your opinion, or apologizing are weak things
that only a “timid loser” would do. Each of these is an
important part of connecting with others and necessary at
times. The difference is when and how we do them. If they
become habitual, excessive, and compulsive from a fear of
conflict or a need for approval, then they backfire as social
connectors. They reduce our confidence and push others
way. We must change these habits.
Over-Accommodating
To accommodate means to “fit with the wishes or needs of.”
Therefore, accommodating another person may involve
doing something that fits their wishes or needs. Sounds
pretty good, right? Do things for others. Help them get
what they want. Do what they want you to do. Then they’ll
be pleased, feel happy, and like being with you.
This is actually a recipe for a good relationship that is
based on both people bringing value to the other person’s
life. It’s the basis of friendship, business partnerships,
customer/client relationships, and romantic relationships.
And… it goes too far.
When our primary objectives are to avoid disapproval,
disagreement, friction, or any sort of conflict, we tend to
veer too far into what can be called over-accommodating.
This means giving too much of yourself, doing too much of
what other people want, and not paying attention to what
you want and need.
Someone asks for something, you say yes. Someone needs
help, you’re there. Someone needs a ride? Sure. Someone
needs you to stay longer. No problem. And on and on it
goes. When you’re over-accommodating, your habitual
response to requests is yes, without hesitation, and without
negotiation.
 You also don’t want to bother people by making requests
of them. You know they are busy and have a lot on their
plate, so you only ask if it’s extremely important.
Otherwise, you just try to figure it out and manage on your
own, so as to not be a burden to others.
This combination of saying yes to everything, and not
asking directly for what you want, leads to feeling
overcommitted and overwhelmed. You feel stressed and
anxious much of the time, trying to meet the demands of
everyone. But the idea of saying no to someone is even
scarier than the chronic anxiety of trying to accommodate
everyone, so you stick with that.
Yet, even though you’re doing everything for everyone,
you may have the nagging suspicion that others don’t really
appreciate you. At least, they don’t seem to. In fact, they
seem to treat you with less respect, as if you owe them
something.
The whole thing feels terrible, but what are you going to
do? Start saying no? Become some kind of selfish asshole
who doesn’t care about others? No, that won’t work.
Everyone would hate you and you’d lose your family,
friends, and job. The only thing to do is to try harder, be
nicer, and put a smile on your face.
Can you relate to this insanity? It’s how I lived for years. I
felt completely trapped by my need to accommodate
others. To consider doing something else brought on strong
waves of fear and guilt. If you see yourself in this pattern,
I’m so glad you’re reading this book. Things can become so
much better!
In Part II you will learn how to break this pattern of over-
accommodating and instead have healthy boundaries, say
no when you need to, and ask for what you want without
guilt. Before we dive into those steps, there is just one
more thing we must address–what being so nice is really
costing you.
 CHAPTER 5:

THE HIGH COST

OF NICE
Before we conclude this study of nice and move into
specific strategies to increase your power, assertiveness,
and boldness in life, we must cover one more aspect of
nice. Because even though you may feel the stress from a
persistent desire to please others, or the heaviness of
frequent guilt, or the timidity of anger-phobia, part of you
still may be thinking: Yeah, but nice is still good, isn’t it? If I
were somehow better, saintlier, more giving, then I wouldn’t
have all this fear and guilt and anger anyway. I mean, being
nice is the best way to be in the world, after all. I just need
to try harder.
If so, I get it. Nice programming runs deep, and it’s hard
to see the other side until you really start making progress
and feeling the difference. One thing that can help you
make that leap is to see the high cost of being nice. The
truth is striving to be nice actually takes an incredible toll
on your mind, emotions, relationships, and even your
physical health. Unfortunately, most people don’t attribute
any of these challenges to their inner demands for
niceness, so they seek solutions for the symptoms without
resolving the underlying source.
Below I’m going to share the five major costs of nice that
can wreak havoc in people’s lives. I personally experienced
all five for many years, and I know them inside and out. As I
study them more and more, they become clear and obvious.
They are surprisingly predictable and common.
However, many people do not understand them. I
certainly didn’t for many years. I would just think to myself:
Why do I feel so anxious? Why does my stomach hurt all the
time? Why do I feel lonely, and why does my chest ache so
much? Am I depressed? Is there something wrong with my
brain chemistry? I’ve heard it runs in my family after all…
When we’re not aware of what’s causing these symptoms,
they can feel like mysterious problems that come out of
nowhere. They disappear once in a while, only to reappear
again, without warning. They scare us, hurt us, and cause
us tremendous pain. They are like specters that haunt us,
often in solitude because we’re reluctant to share our pain
with others.
As I write this section below, I realize that I have a choice.
I have so much passion about this, so much energy and
drive to liberate myself and everyone else who’s open-
minded and ready; I can get quite fired up. So, my choice is
this: I can be mild, toned down, and not controversial to
make sure no one objects or gets upset. You know, be nice.
On the other hand, I can state exactly what I’ve seen to be
true in myself and thousands of other people. I can
passionately share the real and shocking costs of being too
nice. Guess which one I’m going to choose?
In the words of the great Samuel L. Jackson as Arnold in
the 1993 movie, Jurassic Park: “hang on to your butts.”
THE 5 SPECTERS OF NICE
1. ANXIETY
As you’ve seen from the last few chapters, trying hard to be
a nice person means attempting to please others, feeling
bad for not living up to your rules or for hurting others’
feelings, and avoiding anger and conflict. This creates
anxiety. You are worried that others will not like you, about
being a “bad person” and losing relationships because of it,
and about getting upset or other people being upset. Life is
full of fear.
Is this your experience? How much time do you spend
worrying? Worrying about others’ feelings, your
performance, and whether so-and-so thinks you’re such-
and-such: good or bad, smart or stupid, hot or not. How
about the fear of saying the wrong thing, losing face, or
making a fool of yourself?
For many years, I had a terrible habit of replaying
conversations in my head. Usually the ones I’d replay were
the most awkward, strange, or embarrassing. Although
sometimes I’d pick a seemingly ordinary one and replay
that as well. As I replayed them, repeatedly, my mind would
pick apart all the things I did wrong. All the ways I spoke
too much (or too little), said the wrong thing, didn’t do it
quite right, or otherwise sucked. This is a kind of
rumination, which is just another form of anxiety.
And don’t get me started on the anxiety about other
people’s feelings. I experienced so much stress over
making sure everyone felt OK. If I suggested the movie or
the restaurant, I had a hard time enjoying myself because I
was responsible for everyone’s experience. If I invited
several people to do something and they didn’t know each
other, I had to make sure everyone liked each other and
had a great time. If I said or did anything that could offend,
bother, hurt, or annoy someone, my anxiety would
skyrocket (and guilt would soon follow). Can you relate?
I can go on and on, but I think you get my point. Anxiety
takes a toll on your mind and body. It keeps you in a fight,
flight, or freeze state with your nervous system all wound
up, shooting cortisol, adrenaline, and norepinephrine
through your system. It can mess with your sleep,
digestion, libido, sexual functioning, and your mood, to
name just a few. It’s not pretty, and I’m afraid it gets
worse…
2. RESENTMENT & RAGE
Anxiety is already unpleasant, especially if it’s frequent and
strong. But in the fight-flight-freeze response that is built
into our nervous system, flight (which is anxiety) is only
one of them. We also have a fight response somewhere
down in there because we humans are strong, proud,
spirited animals. We’re not easily broken. Even when
oppressed for a long time, we have a way of eventually
fighting back and breaking free. This is true inside of you
as well.
While you may only be aware of the fear, inferiority,
desire to please, pressure to perform, and other anxiety,
that doesn’t mean that’s all that’s happening inside of you.
There is also an inner response of anger occurring as well.
This one took me quite some time to see and believe in
myself, because I was a flexible, relaxed, nice guy who
loved everybody, right? Let me use an example to highlight
the process.
Let’s say Jim has a boss who is the worst. He demands
long hours out of all his employees, berates them if they
don’t get everything done just the way he wants, and
threatens to demote or fire people if they displease him.
Jim really needs this job; it pays well and he has two small
children at home and a mortgage on a new house. How do
you imagine Jim feels in this situation? That’s right,
stressed. He feels his time is scarce, as if there’s more to
do than he has time for. He feels nervous before meetings,
and worried that he might be the one to receive his boss’
wrath that day. He adopts a pleasing attitude towards his
boss and other seniors, hoping to get on their good side as
he keeps his head down and does the best job he can.
What else is Jim feeling? Pissed. He’s angry because there
is a part of him that does not like to be treated that way.
That part hates all the demands and the stress. That part
certainly does not like the berating and threats from his
boss. That part is mad as hell and wants to tell his boss to
shove it (and maybe much more). Now Jim might be aware
of this, or he may not. It really depends on how fused he is
with his nice-guy mask. If he’s aware of it, he may talk
himself down and say, “I know, it’s terrible. But hey, we
gotta pay the bills. Just stick with it for one more year, then
you can move to a different company that’s better.” This
allows him to push the anger down just a little, so he
doesn’t spew it out in his next business meeting. This is
called suppression, and it’s something we do all the time.
If Jim is not that aware of his anger, he may just feel
stressed. He may be irritable with his wife and kids
because it’s safer to be angry at home than with his boss at
work. This is called displacement. A lot of his anger might
be repressed, which means it’s pushed down and hidden.
His nice guy persona is so effective; it heads all this anger
stuff off at the pass, long before it reaches his conscious
mind. Because Jim is a nice guy. He doesn’t want to hit his
boss in the face with a baseball bat. How outrageous and
absurd. (Although I bet if I made a joke about hitting his
boss with a baseball bat that Jim would laugh and love it.)
As you read about Jim, what are you seeing about the
ways you build up anger and resentment in your own life?
This example is extreme, but resentment is a subtler form
of anger that is happening all the time in all of us.
Moreover, the nicer you are, the more resentment you
have. Because we hate to be mistreated. We get secretly
angry and enraged when someone threatens us or berates
us, like Jim’s boss. And when we’re walking around the
world as ultra-nice people, we are treating everyone
around us as if they’re Jim’s boss.
Think about that for a moment because it will blow your
mind. If you’re anxious about pleasing others, and you’re
worried about what others think, and you’re afraid they will
reject you for your looks, for the way you talk, for how
smart you are, for being not good enough… what are you
imagining others are like? Harsh, judgmental, critical,
quick to reject, intolerant, and dismissive. This makes you
super anxious because their opinion means a lot, often
more than yours does. That means not only are they jerks,
they also have a ton of power over you. Just like Jim’s boss.
And when that happens, inside you get angry. Part of you
fights back.
This same part is resentful about needing to be so kind
and caring all the time. It resents taking care of others,
listening to them so much, putting them first. All the self-
sacrifice and prioritizing others makes this part resentful,
then angry, then pissed, then enraged. Most of this is
happening beneath the surface, beneath our awareness.
Because being resentful and enraged are certainly not
things that a nice person would do. We will help you
untangle this mess and start to feel your anger in Chapter 8
of this book. You can then start to use it consciously to
generate a tremendous amount of power, which will help
you step up, speak up, feel better, and be a more genuine,
happy, healthy human.
But before we do, we have to look at a few more of these
specters. Because this next one is the answer to the
question, “What happens to all that anger if I’m not aware
of it? Does it just go away?” I’m afraid not…
3. CHRONIC, RECURRING PHYSICAL
PAIN
AND “INJURY”
OK, here we go. So far, everything I’ve shared is probably
easy to follow and sounds reasonable to you. Now we’re
going to pull back the curtain and shed light onto a layer
that is truly hidden in most people. It’s something so
powerful, and so incredibly liberating, that I could write an
entire book about it. For this section, I will just share an
overview of how being overly nice is related to the
formation of pain in our bodies.
If you find this far-fetched, or are not interested at all in
this, you can simply skip this section and go to the next
pain specter below. If, however, you frequently feel physical
pain in your back, knees, shoulders, neck, or many other
parts of your body, this section may interest you greatly.
I spent many years of my life living in chronic pain. It
began when I was fifteen years old. I woke up one morning
with shooting pain in my left buttock. I remember stepping
out of bed, putting weight on my left leg, and collapsing to
the floor. I limped out to the kitchen and said, “Mom,
something’s wrong.” This began a four-year journey of
visiting dozens of doctors of all different specialties, each
who would determine a different diagnosis. Dozens of
treatments that proved to be ineffective. Persistent,
intense, debilitating pain.
I stopped playing all sports. I was able to do some mild
exercise on a bike, but that was about it. At 19, I was
eventually diagnosed with Ankylosing Spondylitis, and
given a medication called Enbrel that drastically reduced
my pain. Problem solved, right? I’m afraid not.
In the years that followed, I experienced one painful
malady after another. I had chronic stomachaches, and
periods of irritable bowel syndrome. I had chronic pain in
my neck and upper back. I’d often wake up and not be able
to turn my head to the side without shooting pain down my
spine. Sitting at a computer would often lead to intense
wrist pain, as well as neck and back pain. I also had TMJ
(temporomandibular joint disorder).
Not only was I constantly experiencing one disorder or
another, I also developed terrible fears about using my
body. My experience so far in life had taught me that if I
used my body, it would be injured and not recover. And so it
was. I played the guitar for several years, loving the
progress and my ability to create something so beautiful.
Then, I developed intense pain in my first finger and wrist.
I was diagnosed with Repetitive Strain Injury (RSI) and told
to stop playing the guitar, as well as to get physical therapy.
I did this, and eventually even had surgery on my wrist,
which unfortunately did nothing to help with my ability to
play the guitar. If I lifted weights, I injured my wrists more.
If I swam, I injured my shoulder. If I biked, I injured my
ankle. If I ran, I injured my knees and got plantar fasciitis
in my feet.
With each injury, once it occurred, I ceased that activity
forever. My life became more and more restricted. My
perception of myself as having a weak body that was
defective and destined for injury became more and more
entrenched. Little did I know that it was all due to being
too damn nice.
What? How on earth could being too nice cause stomach
pain, irritable bowel, TMJ, back pain, wrist pain, or plantar
fasciitis? Those are physical conditions, aren’t they? Well,
yes, and no. They are definitely physical conditions, and are
extremely painful. There’s no denying that. However, the
part that is misunderstood by many people is that they are
not caused by a structural problem in your body, but an
emotional problem.
HOW NICE CREATES PAIN
Remember Jim’s anger in the last section? Well it turns out
that part of Jim really doesn’t want him to become aware of
that anger. The same is true for us. We all have what are
called “defense mechanisms.” These are ways that our
mind attempts to minimize our emotional pain and
discomfort.
For example, one classic defense mechanism is denial. If
something painful is happening, you simply declare it is not
happening. If things are going downhill fast in his
marriage, a man might tell his friends, and truly believe,
“My wife loves me. She thinks I’m the greatest guy in the
world.” If someone smokes cigarettes, they are generally in
a state of denial about what impact this is having on their
body and what the consequences will be down the line.
These defenses exist to minimize the experience of
uncomfortable or painful feelings, such as anger, hurt, fear,
terror, sadness, and grief. They often operate below our
conscious awareness. Hence, we rarely think: Hmm, I’m
starting to feel some terror about knowing life is
impermanent and I’m going to die. I’m also feeling deep
grief about my brother being ill. Now, to defend myself
against these feelings, I’m going to maximize my stress
about work and focus on my upcoming project as if it’s life
or death. Instead, we just feel stressed about this damn
project at work, check our email forty-seven times per day,
and worry about what will happen if we don’t pull it off
perfectly.
When we were trained to be nice growing up, we learned
that certain feelings are acceptable, such as happiness,
gladness, gratitude and excitement. Other feelings, like
sadness and fear are less acceptable and should be kept to
a minimum. Other feelings, like anger and aggression are
in their own category and never OK. Especially anger at
family, loved ones, people who’ve done things for us, and so
on.
When an unacceptable feeling starts to form in our mind
and body, our defenses kick in to keep it out of awareness.
It’s tagged as “not OK,” and labeled as a threat. This can
make us feel anxious simply about acknowledging and
feeling an emotion.
Anger and rage at our boss, spouses, kids, neighbors,
friends, or anyone else can be seen as highly threatening to
our identity and sense of self. I am a good person. A loving
person. A nice person. I don’t feel those terrible things. But
what if these feelings start to build up to the point where
we may notice them? Enter the ultimate defense: physical
pain.
This is the perfect defense because it’s absorbing and
distracting. Have you ever woken up with a neck so
painfully sore that you could barely turn your head? How
much do you think about that during the day? Heck, how
much do you think about that per minute?
Ow, yep. It’s still hurting when I turn it that way. Man, this
is bad. Is my pillow too soft? Was it from sitting too long at
the computer yesterday? Then I went to the gym and did
those pull-ups. It was all those pull-ups. I’m doing those
wrong. I wonder what I’ll do tomorrow for my workout. I may
have to cut those out. Why does this keep happening to me?
This is so annoying. I bet I have a rib out. I should set up an
appointment with my chiropractor…
The pain is completely absorbing and provides the
ultimate distraction from our underlying threatening
feelings. Now we’re stressed, afraid, and self-pitying. These
feelings are miles away from the threatening rage or
sadness underneath.
Even better, the problem is viewed as entirely physical
and structural. It’s because you slept wrong, lifted
something wrong, moved wrong. You sat too long, sat too
slumped, or your wrist was not at the right angle to your
desk. You need physical and structural solutions, like a
different chair, a chiropractic manipulation, or maybe even
surgery. One hundred percent structural and one hundred
percent safe from those terrifying emotions.
The pain is created by your subconscious mind, and it can
show up in a variety of ways. How it manifests depends on
your personal history, and what is most likely to grip your
attention and keep it stuck on the physical. Here is a just a
short list of some of the pains that can be caused by
repressed emotion: stomach problems, acid reflux, irritable
bowel syndrome, Crohn’s disease, eczema, skin rashes,
allergies, temporomandibular joint disorder (TMJ),
repetitive strain injuries (RSI), tendonitis, fibromyalgia,
chronic fatigue syndrome, neck pain, upper or lower back
pain, buttock pain, pain running down the legs, knee pain,
ankle pain, foot pain (including bone spurs and plantar
fasciitis).
This list is by no means comprehensive. I believe there
are more conditions that are psychogenic in nature, that is,
their source is repressed emotion. At this point, any new
pain or discomfort I feel, the first question I ask myself is,
“what could be upsetting me in my life right now? What
feelings might I not want to feel?” Then I start feeling
emotions directly, and magically and consistently the pain
subsides.
Using this approach, I have eliminated TMJ and other jaw
pain, wrist pain, upper back and neck pain, shoulder pain,
plantar fasciitis, irritable bowel and other stomach pain,
and much more. I am able to run, do heavy squats and
deadlifts, and fully use my body to its capacity, which is
something that delights me to this day. I feel a tremendous
amount of gratitude for the teachers who have illuminated
these sneaky patterns, and helped me create a new level of
freedom in my body.
Your Choice
I realize that what I’m sharing here is way outside the box.
If you went to a chiropractor, physical therapist, surgeon,
or many other doctors, they would emphatically tell you
that your pain is due to structural abnormalities in your
spine, or the way your foot lands when you walk, or a
thousand other structural theories.
As you read this alternative viewpoint, you may have a
variety of reactions. Part of you might be intrigued and
maybe even inspired or hopeful. Another part of you might
be skeptical or think, if this were true, then everyone would
know it and be doing it.
You have a choice. You can continue reading this section
and the rest of the book and benefit tremendously in your
self-esteem, personal power, confidence, social life,
business life, and overall success and happiness. You can
ignore this wacky information about all this pain coming
from our emotions. And that’s OK.
On the other hand, you can choose to go deeper into a
study of this, and become completely free on a physical
level. Free of chronic or recurrent pain and injuries, free of
limitation of how you can use your body, and free to do the
activities you truly love, like running, biking, basketball,
soccer, or anything else. If you’ve ever been injured or
dealt with chronic pain, you know how limiting, depressing,
and scary it can be. For me, to be free of that, and to know
I’m no longer a helpless victim in the area of my body and
health is one of the greatest liberations of my life. Even
more so than breaking out of social anxiety.
Therefore, if you’d like to go deeper and overcome all this
pain, here’s how to do it:
1. Get John E. Sarno’s books: The Mindbody Prescription
and Healing Back Pain and read them. They are also
available in audio version so you can listen to them
instead.
2. Get Steve Ozanich’s book: The Great Pain Deception
and read that one as well.
3. Go to the TMS Wiki. It is an amazing resource with
endless stories of how people healed and eliminated a wide
range of physical problems using the methods from Dr.
Sarno’s books: http://www.tmswiki.org/
4. Watch this short clip on YouTube of a 20/20 segment
where they interview Dr. Sarno:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vsR4wydiIBI
(Clips are sometimes removed from YouTube, so if this
one is no longer there, simply go to YouTube and do a
search for: “John Sarno 20/20”)
I wish you all the best on your journey, and would
absolutely love to hear our story of breaking free from
physical pain and limitation. You can email it to me at:
DrAziz@SocialConfidenceCenter.com.
4. POWERLESSNESS
Another specter than haunts you when you’re nice is a
feeling of powerlessness. This makes sense, because you
are. At least as long as you’re living by the self-imposed
rules of the nice person.
Living by these rules, you must put others first, be
extremely accommodating, only do what others want, only
express the parts of you that others will like, avoid
speaking your mind, and be quiet and polite. These rules
are robbing you of your power and force.
As a result, you don’t feel like you have much impact or
influence in the world. Other people are promoted ahead of
you, other people are chosen for opportunities, and other
people get dates and find love. You are waiting on the
sidelines, being nice, and playing by the rules.
As we do this, we have the unspoken expectation that
goes something like this. If I’m nice and play by all these
rules, then life will bring me good things. People will like
me, respect me, hire me, promote me, date me, love me,
and be my friend.
The problem is this plan doesn’t work. It doesn’t bring
you the things you really want. The nice stance is
inherently a passive one. It’s the path of avoidance of
discomfort and hoping that life will magically turn out the
way we want it to. It’s a life of fear with a thin
rationalization: I’m choosing to live this way because it
makes me a “good person.”
To challenge those rules and change how you are in the
world can stir up anxiety and guilt. I can’t become “one of
those people.” Those selfish jerks and assholes who just
take what they want from others and from life. And so we
decide to stick to the same game, but just play it harder. Be
nicer, more pleasing, more accommodating, more giving,
and more polite. Eventually, this will all pay off. Eventually
my time will come.
This disconnection from our power removes our personal
agency, our sense of “I can make things happen.” When this
is gone, we fall into a victim stance towards life. As I talk
about in my book, The Art of Extraordinary Confidence, the
victim stance severely limits our capacity in life and
destroys our confidence. It leads to a phenomenon called
learned helplessness, where we train ourselves to see
things as out of reach or impossible, so we don’t even try.
I want closer friends, I want a girlfriend, I want a
husband, I want a better job, I want to start my own
business, I want to feel more comfortable around others,
and I want to date more easily. All of these desires are
things we wish for and hope for, but don’t actually make a
reality. Because we’ve bought into the excuses and stories
that tell us it’s too hard, too scary, too uncomfortable. We
tell ourselves self-defeating stories, such as: I just can’t do
that, I’m not good enough at talking with people, or my
personal favorite, the vague, there’s something wrong with
me.
All of this is nonsense. They are excuses and stories we
generate to keep us from having to face our fears and take
action. The nicer we are, the more powerless we feel, and
the more trapped we become in this land of hesitation, self-
doubt, and inaction.
In what areas of your life do you feel powerless? Where
are you wishing things would be different, but you don’t
really believe they can be?
5. ISOLATION
The final specter of niceness is particularly sad and
ironic. We do all this nice stuff, put others first and sacrifice
what we want, and try so hard, all because we want to be
liked, to be loved. We try to be nice to others so they feel
good around us and want to spend more time with us,
whether it’s friends, colleagues, or a new lover. We show up
as our best selves, hold back our judgments and criticisms,
focus on other people, and are attentive, kind, generous,
and caring. We do the right thing. We are good people.
We hope this will give us a deep sense of love and
connection. A feeling of closeness, intimacy, and the joy
that can come from those sweet experiences. Yet, this
feeling is elusive, and hard to come by. Even if we talk with
colleagues, spend time with friends, or go on a date, we
still feel lonely. We don’t feel deeply connected to others,
and we don’t really trust that they absolutely love and
adore us. We can’t rest easy in knowing we’re loved and
held. Instead, there can be a chronic underlying feeling of
loneliness and anxiety.
This sense of isolation is another direct result of niceness.
Because when we’re being nice and people respond well,
something is a little off. They might like you, or even love
you, but they don’t really know you. They know a part of
you; they know your mask or persona. And while this might
give you some connection in the form of people to hang out
with and talk to, it doesn’t give you the connection you
really seek.
This only comes when we share more of ourselves with
others. When we are able to remove the mask and share
what’s really going on–how we really feel and think,
including our fears, desires, challenges, and dreams. This
also includes expressing ourselves. If you’re silly, or like to
do funny voices, or passionately sing classic rock songs
with your eyes closed, this needs to come out as well. It’s
not just what you share that makes you. It’s also how you
share it, how you show up, how life moves through you.
And nice is a big stop sign on all of that. On the sharing,
the vulnerability, the authenticity, and the self-expression.
It is a controlled, managed, and rigid way of being in the
world, which keeps the real you trapped.
---
Whew, what a list. What did you notice about yourself as
you read about these specters? Which ones tend to haunt
you the most?
Do you want to live the rest of your life dealing with these
same challenges? Do you want to feel perpetually anxious
about people’s approval, guilty about not doing enough for
others, and scared of them being upset? How many more
years of anxiety, resentment, physical pain, powerlessness,
and isolation do you want to live with?
These are important questions to ask yourself, because
they will activate dissatisfaction with the way things are
right now. That is a good thing. Because that discomfort
can create a powerful force inside of you that steps up and
says, “NO! No more. I will not live this way.” And that’s
exactly the force you will need to propel you right through
the bars of the nice person cage.
In just a moment, we are going to turn our attention to
exactly how to do this. How to break free finally to become
the most powerful, free, confident and authentic version of
yourself. This version of yourself also happens to be the
most charismatic, charming, attractive, loving, and
successful one as well.
However, before we do, we must take one moment to see
if you’re ready. Because here’s the truth. Breaking out of
years of nice person conditioning isn’t a one-step
instantaneous process. It isn’t an easy quick fix that
involves no discomfort or effort. It isn’t a machine that
shocks your stomach muscles while you sit on the couch
watching TV until you have rock hard six-pack abs.
Instead, it’s a process. It’s a process that can transform
your self-esteem, relationships, and life, but it requires
commitment. Let’s take a moment to determine your level
of commitment before we move to the next chapter.
 FIVE LEVELS OF COMMITMENT
The five levels of commitment are a way to assess how
committed you are to any process. They are described quite
well by Dr. Robert Wubbolding, who is a pioneer of Reality
Therapy, along with William Glasser.
Level 1: Lack of Commitment
Strong resistance characterizes this level and statements
like: I don’t really want to do anything different. I like ____
(smoking, drinking, pleasing others, etc.).
Level 2: Outcome without Effort
This level is full of wish, hope, and fantasy. I want to lose
weight and get in great shape. I want to be able to walk up
to any attractive stranger and just casually start talking to
them. I want to start my own business, get a promotion, or
make X amount of money (insert large number here).
We do want all these things, but we don’t want to make
the effort. We don’t want to take action consistently over
time. We don’t want to do any work at all for the outcome.
We just want it now, quickly and easily. This level is
characterized by a lack of any significant action. Instead,
we have numerous reasons as to why we can’t get what we
want, because either the outside world is preventing us
(excuses), or we are not capable to make it happen
(stories).
Level 3: Trying
This level of commitment indicates we’re actually willing to
do something. We’re willing to try things, take action, and
begin to take steps in the world to create the outcomes we
want. However, as I say in The Art of Extraordinary
Confidence, trying is weak. It means we will take action
until we hit something difficult or challenging, and then
we’ll quit.
 This level is characterized by phrases like, “I’ll try,”
“Maybe,” and “Probably.” We might say, “Ok, this week I’ll
try to start conversations with some people at that
networking event,” or “I’ll probably approach some women
at the party. Maybe, if I feel like it.”
Underneath this language is this mentality: I’ll do just
enough to get by. I see this level of commitment all the
time in clients. If they’re uncomfortable speaking up in
meetings, they’ll think: Ok, I’ll work on this confident
speaking up thing just enough to get a little better at it, to
not be completely silent. That’s good enough. Or, if
someone wants to work out, they think: what’s the
minimum I have to work out per week to get into ok shape?
The bare-minimum-to-get-by standard is the calling card
of the dabbler and never leads to mastery. It also rarely
leads to great outcomes, consistent results, wealth, love, or
happiness. By rarely, I mean never.
Level 4: Do My Best
This level is where things really start to heat up. This is
when we start to take consistent action, face our challenges
head on, and step up in life. This is where we start to notice
progress and results, which feels good. This might even
seem like the top level of commitment; however, it still
leaves the door open for giving up.
We may put our all into something for weeks or even
months. We put in effort, energy, time, money, and our
motivation and intention. We do our best. However, we still
aren’t getting the results we want. When this happens,
many people will say, “Well, I did my best. I guess I’m just
not meant to get X or achieve Y.”
This of course is false, but it does make a plausible story.
We now can quit, stop putting in the effort, and go back
towards the safety of our comfort zone. We may even feel
good about how hard we tried, and how we “gave it our
all.” However, little do we know that we are actually worse
off than before. Now, back in the safety of the center of our
comfort zone, we also have this poisonous belief: I did my
best and I couldn’t get the result. That means I never will.
That’s why you need to step up to level five.
Level 5: Whatever It Takes
This level of commitment leads to results. Period. This was
my level of commitment many years ago when I decided I
was going to turn off my video game and start looking for
solutions on how to become more confident approaching
women and dating. It’s the level of commitment you’ve
made on any major endeavor that you’ve stuck with and
succeeded. Anything that required effort over time,
required this level from you.
The reason this level is so powerful is that it cuts off all
exit routes. There is no escape. If I don’t know something,
I’ll need to learn it. If I’m scared to do something, I’ll need
to face it and overcome it. If I believe I can’t, then I must.
This level is so powerful because it shows us repeatedly
that our mind’s predictions about what is possible for us
are completely arbitrary and usually wrong. We stop
believing in the predictions of our Safety Police and start
getting into more and more action, faster and faster.
Moreover, that’s when we achieve incredible
breakthroughs in short periods.
So, when it comes to shedding the unhelpful elements of
your nice person patterns, how committed are you? What is
your level of commitment to take consistent action to break
free and live as your most powerful, expressive, authentic
self?
Really, take a moment to slow down, breath, and check in
with yourself. Don’t just instantly say “Five!” and keep
reading. See where you actually are. Are you going to “try
this out a little and see if it works right away”? (Level 3)
Are you secretly hoping that you’ll find the magic bullet in
a chapter later in this book and it will instantly remove all
discomfort and fear forever? (Level 2) Or are you willing to
step up, face fear and discomfort, do new things, and
experiment with being in the world in different ways until
you truly discover who you really are? Are you willing to do
whatever it takes?
In any area of life, dabbling will get you very little. In case
you aren’t familiar with the term, dabbling is when you try
a little, then quit when it gets difficult or uncomfortable.
We all dabble in something. I’ve dabbled at learning
Spanish. I get a book, get excited, and dive in... until
chapter three. I buy a course like The Rosetta Stone, and
practice it passionately... for four days.
And guess what? I don’t speak Spanish. I never will. Not
unless I decide, deep down, that I am going to speak
Spanish. That I must do it. Then, I’d be on the path of
mastery and it would only be a matter of time until I
became fluent.
The same goes for shedding nice conditioning and
stepping into your authentic, powerful, loving, and
successful self. Reading a few chapters will get you
virtually nothing. Maybe some excitement, hope, or insight.
But nothing will truly change, or profoundly transform,
unless you decide you are going to do this. To commit to
this. To master it.
Take a moment right now and ask yourself, “Am I going to
dabble or decide?”
Am I going to read a few chapters, feeling the excitement
of promise and the sparkle of possibility that a new book
brings?
 Or am I going to dive in fully, go deep, and use this book
to transform how I show up in the world? Am I going to
read it, study it, underline it, do the activities and exercises
inside it, and keep returning to it until the job is done?
Take a moment now to ask yourself these questions. The
answers you come up with determine the course of the rest
of your life.
In fact, take a few minutes to write out a list of all the
ways that being too nice is holding you back in your life.
What is it costing you? What has it caused you to miss?
What pain does it force you to live in on a daily basis?
Then consider the flip side. Write out what it would be
like to be free of all this. What would your life be like if you
weren’t afraid of other’s opinions? What if you could freely
be yourself without worry about what they would think?
What if you could say no when you needed to without guilt
or fear? What if you could ask for what you wanted, and
receive it much of the time? What if you could handle
confrontations with calm and bold assertion? How would all
this feel? What would this powerful version of you be able
to create in your life? What kind of relationships, business,
or personal success could it bring?
Take some time to consider the cost of nice and the
benefits of being more powerfully yourself. Write them
down and focus on them. This will allow you to get leverage
on yourself, so you’re fully committed to do whatever it
takes to break free.
If you’re in, continue on to the next chapter, and dive into
Part II of this book. You will find a wealth of insights,
activities, and strategies that will guide you to achieving
your freedom.
If not, I’d suggest re-reading the first part of this book,
especially this chapter about the costs of nice. Honestly
take in just how limited your life is, how anxious or
depressed you really feel on a daily basis, and how
powerless and hopeless you feel about your love life,
friendships, or career. Let yourself feel the pain and
discomfort of it all until it reaches a breaking point. Until
you get so fed up that you decide with force and conviction,
“That’s it. Forget this. I’m done living this way. I’m ready.
I’m ready to do whatever it takes.”
Then your life will never be the same again…
Once you’re clear in yourself, take it one step further.
Find a friend, your spouse, or someone in your family who
is supportive of you growing and becoming the best version
of yourself. Don’t go to Uncle Frank, who spends all day
watching TV and thinks personal growth “is for wimps who
need to man up and see that life is tough and then you die.”
Find someone who is on the same page, and share your
commitment with them.
Share what you are learning in this book, and how
niceness is causing pain and holding you back. Share your
vision for how you want to be in the world, and who you
want to be. This act of sharing with someone close to you is
significant. Once it is spoken and known, it becomes real. It
sets things in motion inside of you that are not even visible
until months or years later. It’s powerful, and it’s worth it.
After all, you’re willing to do whatever it takes, remember?
Thank you. Thank you for your courage, your honesty
with yourself, and your desire for freedom. I honor and
respect you for it, and I see you as a brother or sister on
the same path. I love you, and I am so excited to share the
way out with you now.
 PART II:
BOLD ASSERTION
 CHAPTER 6:

OPERATION:
LIBERATE
Can you remember a moment from your childhood when
the world seemed big, bright, and exciting? Maybe it was
when you went out into your back yard, or rode your bike
down the street, or climbed that big pine tree in the forest.
You felt alive, present, and totally free.
Guess what? I have good news! It is possible to feel that
way again. You can retrieve that sense of excitement,
freedom, and joy while talking with others, sharing time
with your partner, or even being at work.
It’s time to get free. It’s time for Operation: Liberate.
You’re about to discover exactly how to break free from
the nice-person patterns that have been holding you back
for years or decades. You’re going to learn practical,
specific tools and strategies to make those changes quickly.
And you’ll get a very clear understanding of exactly how to
not be nice. How to upgrade your mindset, perception of
others, and behaviors so you can more freely be yourself,
and attract what you really want as a result.
Whether you want more freedom, better relationships,
more dates, more sales, more success, more income, or just
to be more comfortable in your own skin no matter who
you’re talking to, shedding niceness is the answer. If you
read each chapter that follows, and apply what you learn,
there is no end to the quality of life you can create for
yourself.
 And, to remind you, this section is not about making you a
“self-centered asshole who just takes whatever you can get
from others.” This is the common misconception about
breaking out of nice: That you will automatically just flip to
being some sort of terrible sociopath who hurts others.
The reality is that making these changes will make you a
better person. You will become more powerful, more direct,
and more assertive. Others will notice your strength and
authenticity and be drawn to you, which will open doors in
your business and personal life. Because you know yourself,
can ask for what you want, and can say “no” when you
need to, you are not overtaxed, overwhelmed, and
resentful. You can actually give more joyously, connect
more easily, and love much more fully.
Not only that, but shedding your excessive niceness and
being more authentic actually brings out the best in others
as well. It frees them up to be more genuine, encourages
them to advocate for their needs, and treats them like the
powerful creators they are in their lives. It creates clearer
communications, more productive meetings, and better
resolutions for conflicts and disagreements. You being less
nice truly does make the world a better place.
I’m like you. I want to be successful, but I also want to be
happy. I want to be loving and patient with my kids instead
of cold, angry, or irritable. I want to have harmony,
intimacy, deep sharing, and passionate sex with my wife. I
don’t want to be distant, live like roommates, bicker,
criticize, or have hurtful fights that involve attacking each
other’s vulnerabilities. I want to be an inspiring leader in
my business. I want my team to speak freely, challenge me,
support me, and have fun working with me. I don’t want
them to fear me, secretly dislike me, degrade me behind
my back, and wish they had a better job. I want my clients
and customers to feel cared about, inspired, challenged,
and respected. I want them to feel like they got so much
value out of their investment that they can’t put a dollar
amount on how much better their lives are now. I don’t
want them to feel let down, uncared for, like a bother, and
that their growth and success is irrelevant to me. In short, I
want to be a “good person” too. However you define that in
your world, I’d imagine it’s pretty similar.
And here’s the big secret: The path to doing all the stuff I
just mentioned is different than what you’ve been taught.
Going down nice-guy or nice-girl lane will not get you
there. It’s counterintuitive, but being less nice will actually
create a more positive impact in your life and in the lives of
everyone you touch.
For example, I have more boundaries, more directness,
and speak up for myself in my relationship with my wife
more than I ever have in any other relationship. I speak my
mind, share my perspective, bring up things that are
bothering me, and ask for what I want. I’m more aware of
my own needs and I find ways to prioritize taking care of
myself, even though we have two small children. And in
spite all of this assertiveness, which in the past I would
have thought of as “mean,” “pushy,” or even “selfish,”3 we
have a truly extraordinary relationship filled with love,
sweetness, passion, growth, and mutual support.
And that’s not just me saying this, Candace would agree.
Watch:
ME: Honey, do we have an amazing relationship?
CANDACE. Yes. Yes we do, Aziz.
There you have it. Indisputable evidence. If you would like
to find out what she says in more detail, go to
NotNiceBook.com. There you will find an interview with
Candace about niceness, authenticity, and extraordinary
romantic relationships.
Trust me, this path truly will completely change your life
for the better, and I am so glad you are joining me on it.
Let’s begin by describing the 30,000 foot view of how this
whole process works.

3. Ahh! The dreaded “S” word. More on this in chapter 10. Look out.
 BOLDNESS TRAINING
BOOT CAMP (BTB)
As I was writing this book, I had many conversations with
Candace about nice versus not nice. She, like me, grew up
with a large amount of nice programming and had done
quite a bit of personal growth to become more free and
powerful. Whenever something would come up that
involved being assertive or confronting someone–friends,
family, construction contractors, etc.–I would encourage
her to speak up for herself.
One night, during a discussion about being more assertive
and direct with others about her views on parenting,
Candace exclaimed, “Whew! This not nice stuff isn’t easy.
It’s like a boldness training boot camp!” That name was too
good to pass up, so behold! Welcome to your Boldness
Training Boot Camp.
To liberate yourself from niceness and unleash your
boldness and power, you do need to recondition and train
yourself. You have countless unconscious, habitual
responses to situations that might cause you to respond
with niceness, submissiveness, guilt, approval-seeking, and
conflict-avoidance before you are even aware you’re doing
it. That’s why we highlighted all the core features of
niceness in the first part of this book, so you can become
better at catching when you flip back into nice mode. Then
you choose differently, again and again.
Here is a high-level map of how this process will work in
your life:
HOW IT WORKS
Here is the three-step process for eliminating excessive
niceness and becoming a much more authentic, confident
version of you:
1. Decide to be not nice.
2. Do the not nice stuff that makes you scared and
uncomfortable.
3. Work through the internal backlash (guilt, anxiety,
doubt, fear) afterwards.
Then do it all again. If you continue in this process, and
do not stop, over time you gain more power and stop being
so anxious about other people’s opinions of you.
Most people never make it that far because they get stuck
in Step 1. They never decide to “not be nice” because they
equate that with being a bad human. You, on the other
hand, may have already decided to be less nice and more
bold after reading Part I of this book. Or, you may not quite
be there yet, and you may decide to be more authentic and
direct after reading Part II and gaining more clarity.
Even if someone decides they don’t want to be nice, Step
2 often trips people up. How many times have you decided
you are going to be more assertive and direct, or speak
your honest opinion in a situation, or confidently approach
people at a party, only to get there and stay small, quiet,
and on the sidelines? Right in the moment of action our
boldness and resolve leaves us, and we quickly revert to
our nice and safe behaviors. Then, afterwards, we might
beat ourselves up about it, which in no way moves us
forward. It’s just an unhelpful pattern that operates outside
of our conscious control.
But let’s say you’re on a mission. You are not going to be
stopped. You decide you’re not going to be nice. You face
your fear and speak up, or say no, or put yourself first for
once. Success! Right? Sure, but it doesn’t feel that way.
What I saw in myself, and in clients who are breaking free
from niceness, is an intense discomfort after being less nice
in a situation. This can arise as guilt for what we said or
did: Oh my God! They must be crushed after I said I didn’t
like their favorite movie!
It can show up as fear, anxiety, or worry: What did they
think of me for speaking up like that? Hector did not look
happy. He thinks I’m an idiot who doesn’t know what he’s
talking about. Why did I do that? And it can lead to endless
rumination and replaying of scenes again and again in your
mind, like a bad song that you can’t get out of your head.
This backlash trips most people up because they
misinterpret it. They think it is the voice of their
conscience, the voice of reason, the voice of their inner
guidance. This creates confusion, doubt, uncertainty, and
hesitation in future situations. Is it really good to speak my
mind like that? Is it really OK to ask for what I want? I mean
look at how much I’m hurting her when I tell her what’s
bothering me. Look at how crushed he is after I told him I
didn’t want to date him any more.
This doubt creates just enough confusion to stall the
process. You’re no longer certain that it’s OK to not be nice.
Your nice person programming sneakily regains control and
you fall back into the cage, more unsure of yourself than
ever.
But if you can stick with it, and work through the
discomfort of the backlash, this is the way out. This is your
path to power, peace, confidence, and freedom. This is your
path to reclaim yourself–the real you–who has been lost
under layers of niceness, fear, and messages about who you
“should” be.
 This book will provide you the tools and guidance you
need to stick with this process. This book will help you
alleviate the doubt and questioning about whether it’s OK
or not to be more direct, assertive, clear, and powerful. It
will be an orienting force that you can use to steer yourself
in the direction you are meant to go in life. It will help set
you free.
In the chapters that follow in Part II, you will discover and
master the five pillars of not-nice: having boundaries,
owning your shadow, speaking up, being more selfish, and
saying “no”.
But before we dive in, you need to upgrade your
operating system. You need to consciously create your own
guiding force that helps direct you in life. You need a
personal bill of rights.
 YOUR BILL OF RIGHTS
Remember back in Chapter 3 when you created that
beastly list of shoulds? Those were all the demands that
you place on yourself, and that you imagine others expect
of you. You also marked the ones that seemed excessive,
rigid, or oppressive with an unhappy face. Take a moment
to review that list now.
Where is this list guiding you? What impact is it having on
your life? On how you feel day to day? To me, this list
represents bondage–being a slave to our tyrannical inner
demands and dictates. A slave to rules that keep us
frightened, small, and anxious as we frantically attempt to
satisfy them.
Take a look at that list. Is it really possible to satisfy all of
them? Are some of them even conflicting, like, “speak up
for yourself and say what’s on your mind” and “don’t ever
hurt anyone’s feelings, ever”? How does that work? It
doesn’t. Conflicting rules, as well as rigid or extreme rules,
just lead to a perpetual sense of falling short, failing, and
guilt.
You need a new set of rules. Better yet, you need a list of
rights, things that you are allowed to do in any situation. A
list of rights encourages authenticity, freedom, self-
expression, and being who you really are in the world. It
preserves your self-respect, personal power, and autonomy.
It moves you forward and lets you create the life you want.
Ready? Let’s do it now.
YOUR NEW LIST
If you could wave a magic wand and instantly become free
of fear, guilt, or the need to make others see you a certain
way, how would you be? Take a moment to ponder that one.
Let anything and everything come to your mind. Don’t try
to determine if it’s the most intelligent or “best” way to
behave, just let your fantasies run wild for a moment.
Imagine you are completely free of worrying about what
anyone thinks of you. You are completely relaxed,
comfortable, and confident in yourself no matter what…
What would you do? Take two minutes now to really think
about that.
Now, let’s turn some of those images and ideas into a
quick list. Just write out a list of things you might do if you
had no fear, no guilt, and no doubt in yourself.
For example, maybe you were seeing images of yourself
smiling at others as you met them, being charming and
smooth. Maybe you saw yourself interrupting and shutting
down Andy, that jerk who always interrupts you at work, or
telling off Janet for all those times she lied to you. Maybe
you imagined yourself being a head honcho or powerful
leader in your work or career.
If this were the case, then your list would look like this:
I’d smile and be charming with people I just met.
I’d interrupt Andy and give Janet a piece of my mind.
I’d be a powerful leader in my company.
Make sense? Don’t overthink it, just keep it quick and
simple. And don’t censor it or make it look pretty. This is
not for anyone else, and this isn’t a polished mission
statement or ten-year plan. This is just for you. As always,
I’ll play along too. Because if I’m not getting a little
uncomfortable, and getting my hands dirty, then how am I
growing right alongside you as we do this? So here we go.
Let’s both go make our lists. Start with this phrase at the
top of the page:
“If I had no fear, guilt, or doubt, I would…”
Ready? Let’s do it now.
Good. How did it go? Was it easy to come up with things?
Hard to imagine? Did it make you uncomfortable in some
way even to create the list? Sometimes just imaging being
more fearless, badass, and guilt-free induces fear and guilt.
Don’t worry about that. As long as you were able to
create something, you’re in good shape. If not, then I’m
afraid you will die a terrible, terrible death. No, I’m
kidding. But you won’t get nearly as much out of this
section, or this book if you’re just a passive viewer along
for the ride. If you step up, play full out, and are willing to
do whatever it takes, then you will break through to a new
level of power and confidence that will make all the work
worth it.
I noticed that my list was just a few things at first. I sat
back and smugly congratulated myself. It must be because
I’ve done so much boldness training and confronted so
many of my fears that I indeed do most of the things I’m
scared of. I clearly am awesome. And then I thought of
something else to add. And then something else. And I
started to reflect on my recent interactions–with
colleagues, clients, and people I just met. I started to see
the subtle ways I still hold myself back out of fear, or
niceness. And my list grew. Here’s what I came up with:
I’d email my list about group openings.
I’d email my list about things more often in general.
I would personally invite 10 people to my Mastermind
program.
I would more passionately tell people about what I did for
work, what my mission is.
I would talk more about my accomplishments.
I would be even less nice.
I would change the subject more often.
I would end conversations more quickly with some
people.
I’d say what I was perceiving more during conversations,
even with people I just met.
I would be even more irreverent, and make more jokes,
even with people I just met.
I’d amuse myself more in conversations.
I would challenge, call out, or give direct feedback to
certain clients more often.
I would say whatever needs to be said in order to serve,
even if that upset a client or led them to want to stop
working with me.
I would interrupt and redirect certain clients more.
I would talk and teach more during group calls when I felt
like it.
I’d be even less flexible with my schedule and say no
more, even if that meant losing a client.
I would say no to way more things.
I’d make this book as long as I feel it needs to be, without
cutting parts out to make sure people can get through it
quickly.
I’d prioritize fun, fascination, love, and contribution over
everything else, even if that means earning less money.
I’d ask my mentors direct questions and bring up the
challenges I have with some of the things they say or teach.
You know you’re on the right track when you start to feel
a little (or very) nervous as you write your list.
This list in itself is extremely valuable. It gives you a
window into all the ways you could grow. It highlights what
is outside of your comfort zone, and all the ways you could
become more bold and powerful right now. But we want to
go even further. This list could change. Some of these items
you may actually want to do, and some you might not want
to do. Some might be outrageous or unwise to do at this
time. I don’t know what’s on your list; but I do know this
list points to your core desire to be a free, expressive,
authentic human. This is more important than the specific
items on your list. This is about your right to say, do, and be
what you please—your rights as a liberated human.
YOUR RIGHTS
Let’s make a list of those rights now. Drawing from the
kinds of things you’d like to be able to do in the world, ask
yourself: What are my rights? What am I allowed to do?
What am I entitled to?
When you ask yourself these questions, don’t look at the
past. Don’t look to what mom or dad said was OK, or how
you “should” be. Look inward, to your own heart, and tune
into your own intuition. Look forward to the kind of person
you want to be, the kind of person you’re destined to be.
Imagine the most free, bold, happy, successful, authentic,
and powerful version of you. What rights does he or she
have?
Below are some of mine. As you read this list, see which
ones stand out to you. You are free to adopt any that
resonate. You may also notice some push your buttons, or
seem offensive or somehow “wrong”. That’s OK too. You
might find that ultimately those are not going to be in your
bill of rights. Or, you may find that you secretly wish you
too could have that right, but there is still too much nice-
person programming that is blocking you from fully
allowing it. If that’s the case, that should be resolved by the
time you reach the end of this book.
MY RIGHTS:
I have the right to approach anyone I want to start a
conversation with.
I have the right to change the subject or end the
conversation whenever I would like.
I have the right to insert myself into a conversation and
interrupt someone who’s speaking.
I have the right to say “no” to anything I don’t want to do,
for any reason, without needing to justify it or give an
excuse.
I have the right to ask for what I want.
I have the right to ask why and negotiate if someone
initially says “no.”
I have the right to offer anything to anyone, any number
of times (and they have the right to say no).
I have the right to change my mind; I do not always need
to be logical and consistent.
I have the right to ask questions whenever I’d like to
know something.
I have the right to disagree with others (even if they know
more about the subject than I do).
I have the right to share my perspective, even if someone
might disagree or temporarily be uncomfortable.
I have the right to make mistakes, mess up, or otherwise
not be perfect.
I have the right to not be responsible for others, including
their feelings and problems.
I have the right to take time and space to be by myself,
even if others would prefer my company.
I have the right not to have to anticipate others’ needs
and wishes. If they have them, they can express them.
I have the right to say yes to having sex, to enjoy sex, and
 to pause during sex to have a conversation.
I have the right to be treated with respect.
I have the right to expect honesty and integrity from
others.
I have the right to feel all of my feelings, including anger,
grief, sadness, and fear.
I have the right to feel grief about something for as long
as that grief persists.
I have the right to feel something or do something
without needing to justify myself to others.
I have the right to feel angry at those I love, and to
express it in a responsible manner.
I have the right to express my feelings assertively while
respecting others.
I have the right to choose how much I want to see a
friend or someone I’m dating, and end the relationship if
it does not feel desirable to me.
There you have it. My bill of rights. How does it feel to
read? Empowering? Edgy? I can tell you this, writing it
feels good. As I wrote, I was smiling, my head was nodding,
and I could almost hear it as a sermon some impassioned
Southern Baptist preacher might make.
Let’s create your bill of rights now. You can use as many
as you like from my list, exactly as they are, or tweak them
slightly to fit your wording and preferences. You can also
add as many more as you like. Let yourself get into the
creation of this list. Let it be liberating and fun. Ready?
Begin.
---
Welcome back, and well done. This is something that the
vast majority of people will never consciously think about.
They’ll never take the time, energy, and focus to map out
their own personal rights like you just did. This is a big step
towards freeing yourself from your old nice programming
and living life on your terms.
I suggest you print your bill of rights and have it
somewhere that you can see often. The more you can keep
this list in your conscious awareness, the more it will
influence you now. This list is your guiding force. Read it
before you go to work in the morning. Read it before you
have an intimidating meeting or presentation. Read it
before you go out with friends or on a date. Read it before
you spend time at the family gathering or go visit your
parents for a weekend. Read it whenever you need to
remind yourself of what you are allowed to do, regardless
of what you were taught growing up. This will keep your
guidance coming from within, from your values, which
makes you a much stronger, self-directed leader in your
own life.
 POWER, BOLDNESS,
AUTHENTICITY
Earlier in this book, we discussed the opposite of nice. As
we move forward into the five pillars of becoming less nice,
including having boundaries, owning your shadow,
speaking up for yourself, being more selfish, and saying no,
it’s important to reinforce our primary goal, which is to
make you a more free, happy, and healthy person.
The opposite of nice is not to be mean, cruel, harsh,
attacking, careless, heartless, or bad. The opposite of nice
is power, boldness, and authenticity.
Power is your ability to choose your direction, action, and
destiny. It’s your ability to feel equal to those around you,
rather than inferior. It’s your ability to stand tall, look
people in the eye and be powerful on this planet–a force for
good, a force to be reckoned with.
Boldness is your ability to hurdle over risks and dive into
the unknown. It’s your ability to break free from the herd,
to do what others dare not–not because it’s too dangerous
or reckless, but because they are too timid and cling to
safety and certainty. It’s your ability to speak up and say
what needs to be said when the rest of the room is looking
down at their toes and studying their shoelaces. The good
news is, even though it’s scary, boldness is always
rewarded in the long run. Always.
Authenticity is your ability to be you. It’s funny that we
must cultivate this ability. And yet with all our nice-person
training and other conditioning, it seems to be so.
Authenticity is your ability to look inward and know who
you are–what you perceive, what you think, what you feel,
what you want, and what you believe. It’s your ability to
honor and respect all you see, to love what you see, so that
you may boldly bring it forth and share yourself with the
world.
These are the true qualities that emerge as we let go of
nice. This is what you’re cultivating in the chapters to
come. This is the result of your boldness training boot
camp. This is the new you coming out to play.
 CHAPTER 7:

HAVE
BOUNDARIES
As you will see in the chapters to come, boldness training is
all about speaking up for yourself, saying “no” when you
want to or need to, and prioritizing yourself instead of
always putting others first. These, and many other
behaviors, will transform your sense of power and freedom.
However, if you don’t understand boundaries or, worse,
don’t have any, then all of these liberating behaviors are
just a fantasy. They’re science fiction. Things you wish you
could do, but seem far off, impossible, and maybe even “not
allowed.”
Now I know the topic of boundaries might sound a little
boring. Why are we starting here? Shouldn’t we dive into
the “say what I want and tell others to shut it” part of the
book?
Here’s the thing: If you don’t have boundaries, you won’t
know when to tell others to shut it. You won’t know what
you actually want, because all you’re aware of is other
people and what they want. Without boundaries, there is no
you to speak up for!
 BOUNDARY-LESS
“Imagine there’s no countries, it isn’t hard to do.”
- John Lennon, Imagine.
I spent a long time with very few boundaries. Although I
didn’t consciously know this at the time. In fact, if you
would’ve asked me what my boundaries were, I would’ve
given you a blank stare. In fact, I prided myself on how
flexible I was. I thought of myself as someone who was easy
going, who could “go with the flow.” And then, after
reading books like The Power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle, and
other eastern philosophies, that idea of myself was
reinforced. I’m not identified with my mind and my beliefs,
man. I don’t need to hold any strong opinions, or debate
anyone. That’s all just ego stuff anyway, and I’m above that
now.
Sounds good, right? Except it wasn’t true. I wasn’t
easygoing and at peace most of the time. I was tense
inside. I had chronic stomach problems and pain in my
neck, wrists, and shoulders. I disliked certain coworkers
and colleagues, even though I was jovial and easygoing on
the outside. And I couldn’t sustain a romantic relationship
longer than several months. All of this was related to a lack
of boundaries.
The truth is I didn’t know where I ended and other people
began. I didn’t have a clear sense of who I was in any given
moment. That might sound abstract or philosophical, so let
me give a few examples to make it clear. If I was in a
conversation with someone, I would be very aware of what
they were feeling, and what they were wanting. I’m very
perceptive and sensitive, so I was quite good at this. In
fact, most nice people are. You probably are. It’s like having
some kind of x-ray vision where you can see through
people’s outer layers, their outer personas, and see how
they’re feeling underneath.
If I noticed sadness, frustration, anger, tension,
disappointment, or any other painful feeling in them, I
would instantly feel obligated to help them alleviate it. I
might even instantly conclude that their discomfort was
due to me. And I certainly didn’t want to do anything that
might contribute even more to their negative feelings.
So, I became a master at accommodating others. I sensed
(or imagined) their underlying feelings and desires and did
my best to fulfill them, even before they could ask. I
focused on what others wanted to talk about, and acted like
I was fully engaged and that they were interesting (I didn’t
want them to feel like they were boring or that I wasn’t
interested in them). I prioritized my life and schedule to be
able to spend time with a woman I just started dating, so
she would feel like she was the most important thing in the
world to me. I anticipated when she might want to hang out
next, and suggested it myself (I never wanted her to feel
disappointed or unwanted).
I carried on like this for years, bouncing between anxiety
and guilt. Anxiety about whether I was doing a good
enough job on all this care-taking, and guilt when I
determined I wasn’t. I didn’t realize this was one of the
major contributors to my suffering and lack of sustained,
happy relationships. With all this nice guy, no-boundary
stuff going on, I was unable to sustain a romantic
relationship, and often ended them after just a few dates.
The woman would be surprised, saddened, hurt, or
disappointed, which only added to my guilt. I then began
building evidence for the oh-so-common there’s something
wrong with me story.
It wasn’t until I joined a men’s group that I discovered
boundaries and their impact on my life. I remember one
winter evening I sat in the counselor’s office with seven
other men. The season had turned and it was already dark
outside, even though it was early evening. Rain was
pouring down and occasionally pattering against the
window when the wind turned. We sat in big soft couches,
facing each other in a circle. These meetings led to some of
the biggest and most life-changing shifts in my perspective.
They helped me learn how to have relationships, be
assertive, and a more powerful man in the world.
This particular evening, I was sharing a story about some
family visit. My parents and brother were coming into town
at the same time. I was sharing my concerns with the
group, saying, “My parents get in on Wednesday evening. I
work Thursday and Friday, but I’ll hang out with them in
the evening, and we can go out to dinner. My brother gets
in on Friday evening. On Saturday, we can go to the
Farmer’s Market. I know my mom and brother will like
that. There’s also a mausoleum that has my grandmother
and other family members in it that my mom and brother
like to visit as well…”
I went on like this, sharing my anxieties about what we
would do, and how I sometimes felt burnt out or tired when
people visited. One of the group members, Glenn, who was
an older man in his sixties with glasses, a prominent nose,
and a shock of white and gray hair, said to me, “Where’s
Aziz in all this?”
I looked at him, slightly confused by the question.
“Uhhh…”
“I hear about your mom, and your brother, and your dad. I
hear about everyone else and what they want. But I don’t
hear much of you in the story. It’s like you’re a minor
character, and your needs and wants don’t really count for
much.”
Whoa. That simple comment blew my mind. He was right.
I spent the vast majority of my time and mental energy
considering what everyone else wanted. My decisions of
what to do, where to go, and even what to say, were largely
based on other people. This sparked my journey to discover
my own boundaries, to start looking inward for guidance,
rather than habitually pleasing others as a way of being in
the world.
BOUNDARIES ARE GOOD
It’s true. They are. You might have the idea that to be
loving, tolerant, and kind we need to let go of boundaries
and separation, to see underneath that we’re all one, man.
And while that’s true on a spiritual or quantum physics
level of reality, on a surface level we are actually quite
distinct, you and I. We are in different cities, wear different
clothes, have different families, eat different foods, and
each have our own unique interests and passions.
Understanding and allowing these differences is essential
for you to be the powerful, assertive person you want to be
in the world.
To illustrate with an example, imagine you own a house.
This house has a backyard with a lawn, some flowers, and a
fruit tree. On sunny days you like to sit back in a lawn
chair, bask in the warmth of the sun, and look over your
domain like George Vanderbilt at the Biltmore. Life is good.
Your neighbor also has a backyard behind his house,
which borders yours. Sometimes, when you’re out back in
your yard, he’s out in his yard as well. Imagine the
following scenario, and notice your internal reaction: He
sees you behind your house and shouts a friendly greeting,
walking towards you. He walks across his yard into yours,
making his way through your flower bed, stepping on
several of them. As he chats with you, he casually walks to
your fruit tree and picks two of the juiciest, ripest peaches,
placing one in his pocket, and taking a big, satisfying bite
out of the other one.
How are you feeling in this moment? Are you enjoying the
interaction? Or is part of you a little irritated, a little upset,
a little pissed off? Well, if you are, you shouldn’t be. You
should be tolerant, after all. I mean, he didn’t know he
stepped on your flowers. You have a bunch of peaches on
that tree. You should be more generous and share a few
with him… Sound familiar?
How quickly we can talk ourselves out of our internal
reactions, which reveal our boundaries. Those feelings
reveal extremely important information about you: what
you want and don’t want, what you like and dislike. This
stuff matters. It matters because it’s you and your
experience, and you matter. Regardless of what anyone else
told you, or even what you may have told yourself for years,
you and your feelings matter. And it matters more to you
than it will to anyone else.
Would you say anything to your neighbor? Would you tell
him you’d prefer that he didn’t pick your fruit without
asking? Would you tell him to not step on your fucking
flowers? Or would you smile politely, nod, carry on a
friendly conversation, and only internally react? Would you
be angry, but too scared to show it, and instead wait until
he was gone, then go into your house and tell your spouse,
“Honey! You wouldn’t believe what Albert just did! That
guy is such an insensitive, stupid jerk!” (Real tough guy
when he’s not around.)
This example might seem silly, but this is exactly how
most of us operate with our boundaries. We aren’t aware of
them, don’t pay attention to the internal signals, and then
are too afraid to speak up about them in the moment,
leaving us feeling angry and resentful (which we hide the
next time we see that person, because we’re “nice”).
Imagine being able to casually and easily say to Albert,
just as he’s about to step on your flowers, “Hey Albert!
Please watch where you step, I don’t want you to crush my
flowers.” And then when he walks over to your tree and
picks a peach, you give him a long look. If that doesn’t
cause him to pause and ask you what’s up, then you turn
your palms upwards and say, “Dude!”
“What?” He asks, with peach juice running down his chin.
“Those have been growing for months and we haven’t
even picked any yet. I’m willing to share a few with you and
your family, but I don’t want you picking them without
asking me.”
What’s happening as you read this? Does it feel good to
imagine being able to do that? Does it feel edgy to you? Are
you concerned about Albert and how he might take it?
Maybe he’d be hurt or offended. Maybe he’d retreat back
to his house and never come back. Maybe he’d be angry,
plot his revenge and somehow get back at you. Who knows
what other terrible outcomes we can imagine from being
more direct and assertive?
We’ll get much deeper into the specifics of how to speak
up for yourself in Chapter 9. You’ll also discover how to
release those fears of others being upset, or any other
negative consequences of you speaking your mind.
But before you are able to do that, you have to know what
it is you want to speak up about. You have to know what
your boundaries actually are across different situations.
You have to know where others end and you begin.
 WHAT DO I WANT?
This is one of the most valuable questions you can ask
yourself. Asking it regularly and often about all areas of
your life will serve you greatly. From where you want to go
to dinner, to how you want to spend time with someone, to
the kind of work you want to do in the world, this question
will guide you well.
One of the best ways to determine what you do want is to
start with where your mind naturally goes, which is usually
what you don’t want. In the neighbor example above, you
might not have been clear on exactly what you wanted in
your interaction. But you sure know what you didn’t want.
You didn’t want him to step on your flowers or pick your
fruit. And maybe you didn’t even want him to come over to
your yard in the first place.
As you see what you don’t want, you can start to ask
yourself: What is it that I’d prefer instead? What do I really
want? Then pay attention to what answers emerge, without
dismissing or filtering them. Let yourself explore, get
curious, and find out what’s really going on inside. You’re
listening inwards for guidance, rather than simply focusing
on what everyone else wants and what a “good boy” or
“good girl” would do.
As you do this over time, you’ll start to discover what you
like and dislike. You’ll get to know yourself better and have
more clarity in your life. You will become more decisive,
which is a great benefit to you and everyone around you.
If indecisiveness is something you struggle with, then you
especially need to be asking yourself these questions
throughout the day: What do I want? What don’t I want in
this situation? What do I prefer? What sounds good to me?
Asking these questions will help you become more aware
and connected with yourself. This is essential because
chronic indecisiveness is a result of being
disconnected or alienated from your true self. You
don’t even know what’s happening deep in there. There’s
too much noise about what he wants, she wants, they want.
What mom said is good and dad said is bad. What a godly
or spiritual person should think, feel, and want. There’s too
many variables to decide clearly, and so you leave it up to
others, saying, “I don’t know, what do you want to do?”
You’re scared of picking something and it looking bad, or
them not liking it, or of making a mistake and choosing the
“wrong thing.”
Occasionally not having clarity and letting others decide
is natural, and not problematic. But if it’s your default
setting, then it’s a sign of too much niceness and low social
power. Over time it can irritate and repel others and
backfire as most people-pleasing strategies do. This is
because always letting others decide puts the responsibility
on them. They now have to decide for themselves and for
you, but they don’t really know where you stand because
you don’t share. This creates frustration, annoyance, and a
desire for less contact.
But we let others decide for us because we’ve learned,
somewhere along the way, that discovering what we want
and asking for it is somehow bad, wrong, or selfish. That
doing so is somehow inconsiderate of others, and is bad for
our relationships. This, as with all the nice person
programming, is not true. It’s an inaccurate map of human
relationships. If we follow it, it will steer us way off track,
into the outback of loneliness, pain, poor relationships,
resentment, physical pain, and Lord knows what else. Let’s
clear up some of those negative and highly restrictive
stories about wanting right now.
LIBERATING YOUR DESIRE
My son Arman, who just turned one year old, is going
through a phase right now where he will urgently express
his desire using his most advanced communication skills.
These include looking you in the eye, shouting “uggghhh”
at the top of his lungs, and loudly pounding on the table
with his chubby little hands.
My other son, Zaim, who just turned three, is more
sophisticated: “Daddy, come upstairs and play with me.
Daddy, feed me please. Daddy, I want proteins and almond
milk.”
Both of these little guys are aware of their desires. They
know what they want, and they are free to immediately ask
for it (or demand it, as the case may be). But if the answer
is no, they are in no way dissuaded from getting what they
want. Here’s a sample exchange between Zaim and me:
“Daddy, come upstairs and play with me.”
“That sounds like fun, buddy. We’re going to eat dinner in
about two minutes, though, so let’s stay down here.”
“Let’s play upstairs for two minutes.”
“You really want to play upstairs right now? Let’s set the
table, eat some food, then play upstairs.”
“Let’s play upstairs now, Daddy!”
If you’ve ever been involved in one of these conversations,
you know how persistent and surprisingly compelling these
little negotiation masters can be. They’re clear about what
they want, and they don’t make it mean something terrible
about them if you say no.
And you were exactly the same way as a young child. You
knew what you wanted and you went for it. Can you
remember any instances like that? Do you remember how
much you wanted certain things, and how strongly you
advocated them? A certain game, watching a certain show,
getting a new bike.
But then you learned that it was not permissible to ask for
what you want. Sometimes when you persisted, your
parents may have gotten irritable and told you to knock it
off, or shut up. This may have been stated directly, or more
subtly with voice tone or “the look”. Eventually, you may
have concluded unconsciously that saying what you want,
or advocating for it strongly, was bad. Maybe it’s better to
be quiet, compliant, and pleasing. To not push so hard. To
be nice.
From these early conclusions, you formed negative beliefs
about desire and what you want. These may take the form
of stories or beliefs such as the following:
It’s bad to want things.
I want too much.
I’m bad for wanting so much.
It’s bad to want _______ (insert whatever it is you really
want here).
It’s greedy or selfish to want that.
I’m greedy.
I’m selfish.
...and many more.
Let’s clear this up right now. It’s not bad to want
things. Despite what you may have been taught, your
inner desires are not bad, wrong, unhealthy, or shameful.
That is simply layers and layers of cultural and nice-person
conditioning.
Desire is what moves life on this planet. It’s the most
universal force in all life. Every single living organism
wants things, and move towards what it wants, be it food,
shelter, sex, or even sunlight for trees. Is a tree bad for
wanting to reach towards the sunlight? Is a lion wrong for
wanting to eat a zebra? When we think of it in these
contexts, it sounds absurd, doesn’t it? So, are you bad for
wanting to travel somewhere, to eat something, or to sleep
with someone? Are you bad for wanting less time with
someone, or more time with someone?
There is no good or bad here, there’s just what you want
and what you don’t want. As you’ll see in the chapters on
Speaking Up and Being More Selfish, you can choose
whether you want to act on your desire and ask for it. In
some instances, you may decide to override your want and
let it go. But that comes from a place of self-love and
choice, not fear and shame.
It’s time to stop smashing down this piece of who you are.
It’s time to turn inwards and re-discover what it is you
really want, across all situations in your life. Below are
some empowering beliefs you can choose to adopt right
now that will help you get more in touch with what you
want.
It’s good to discover what I want
It’s good to ask for what I want.
It’s good to say what I want.
It’s good to say what I don’t want.
It’s good to be able to put myself first.
(That last one might be a doozy for you. We’ll talk more
about that in Chapter 10, which is all about the dreaded S-
word: Selfish.)
These statements are all true. These are a part of your
upgraded, more accurate map of human relationships. In
any relationship, whether it’s with a colleague, boss, friend,
or your life partner, identifying what you want and being
able to express it will enhance your relationship. A chronic
pattern of being unsure, never knowing what you want,
looking to others, letting them make the decisions, and
always putting them first will create resentment in you,
frustration and resentment in them, and eventually create
distance that erodes the relationship.
In addition, if you perpetually look to meet the needs of
others, and disregard what you truly want, you diminish
over time. You have less energy, vitality, and passion. You
feel less happy and fulfilled. Over time you whittle away
and have little to offer others because your cup is so empty.
Hence, if you want great relationships, and you want to
feel better in those relationships, it’s good to discover what
you want, ask for what you want, say what you don’t want,
and be able to put yourself first sometimes. You may be
nodding your head as you read this, intellectually realizing
that this is all true. Let’s take a moment, though, to bring
these ideas out of your head and into your body and
emotions, because that’s what makes the difference
between information and transformation.
In fact, give yourself some time to focus on these new
empowering beliefs. Write them out ten times in a journal,
or fifty times. Repeat them often to yourself. Put them on a
note card and carry it in your back pocket. Then
throughout the day, when you have a few moments to kill
time, instead of flicking on your phone and compulsively
checking news, sports stats, social media, or something
equally unproductive, take a few breaths, slow down, and
read through your little note card. You’ll be amazed how
much this will open up the floodgates. Because, being
aware of your desire and expressing it freely isn’t some
unnatural new ability you have to train yourself to do, like
juggling. This is one of your most basic, innate, hardwired
abilities that is right there underneath the surface as soon
as you stop pushing it down.
WHAT IF I DON’T KNOW WHAT I
WANT?
This is a common question that arises as you begin to look
inward and pay attention to what you actually want. At first
it can be quite confusing because so much of your life may
have been based on what other people want, and what you
“should” want in order to be a good son, daughter,
employee, friend, spouse, and so on.
At first you may be confused and uncertain. Your mind
might say: I have no idea. I don’t even know what I want! If
so, that’s perfectly normal. It’s a natural part of the
process. You’ll get better at identifying your desires over
time. Until then, don’t be fooled by your mind’s hasty
conclusions that you don’t know and will never know what
you want.
Sometimes, when we say, “I don’t know,” we don’t really
mean, “I don’t know.” What we really mean is “Ack! This is
uncomfortable. I feel uncomfortable and don’t like what’s
happening right now. I want it to stop and I want to just go
back to how I felt before, even if it was kind of miserable!”
I see this all the time in sessions with clients in my
coaching and group Mastermind programs. When someone
says, “I don’t know” in response to a question, there often
is a tone of frustration or irritation. They are conveying
either, “I don’t know, and I’m frustrated that I don’t,” or “I
don’t know, now back off. I don’t want to know.”
We push against discovering what we want because it can
be uncomfortable to do so. First, we bump up against our
negative beliefs about desire, so we can feel a subtle sense
of shame just for paying attention to what we want. That’s
so selfish and bad! Then there’s fear about what we might
discover. What if I don’t want to spend time with that friend
anymore? What if I’m secretly feeling disengaged and
bored during sex with my partner and I want something to
be different? Bad! Selfish! Wrong! And then we’re scared
about what we’ve discovered because that might lead us to
speak up and actually say no to somebody, or bring up an
uncomfortable conversation with our partner or anyone
else. Eek! That’s freaky. You know what? I just don’t know
what I want. I don’t know. I said, I don’t know. Now back off!
Yes, it’s scary. And it’s worth it.
To help in this process, we want to adopt an attitude of
lightness and curiosity. Instead of I don’t know! try out
Hmmm, I don’t know… Invite in curiosity and wonder.
You’re about to learn something, to discover something, to
uncover something fascinating and valuable in your life. I
wonder what it could be. I wonder what I’ll find out.
And it’s OK if you experience confusion. We are complex
creatures and made up of many different parts. Part of you
wants to spend time with that friend, and part of you would
prefer to be alone. It seems like no matter which one you
choose, there will be some sadness or missing out by not
having the other option. That’s OK, too. Let yourself miss
the other option, even as you pick the first one.
The sense of freedom, ease, power, and confidence we
want doesn’t come from picking the “right choice” in all
situations. It comes from looking inward, asking ourselves
what we want, and honoring what we discover. Even if we
don’t choose it, or we don’t get what we want, the simple
act of valuing your own desires creates positive feelings of
power and freedom.
 WHAT DO I PERCEIVE?
Right up there with knowing what you want is knowing
what you think, believe, and perceive. When our
boundaries are weak, we tend to have a very shaky hold on
these sorts of things. We automatically look to others to
determine what our thoughts and opinions might be. We
look to others to determine our reality for us.
You may experience this as a lack of certainty in your
perceptions and convictions. You may not have a strong
opinion on much of anything. You also might feel quite a bit
of self-doubt about what you say, whether it’s right, or if
others agree with you. In fact, you might even pride
yourself on this. I know I did for years.
I would tell myself: I’m just a more flexible and open-
minded person. People’s opinions and beliefs are all based
on their ego’s need to be right anyway. I just don’t buy into
that as much. Never underestimate our ability to make
ourselves feel better than others when we unconsciously
feel inferior and insignificant.
While some of this is true–I am a very curious and open-
minded person and don’t tend to lock into debate battles
with people about their opinions–I also didn’t have a strong
sense of myself. I didn’t value what I thought or perceived
in that moment. I assumed others’ opinions were more
intelligent, better researched, and more valid than my own.
Part of having solid boundaries, and being less of a nice
person involves owning your perspective. Valuing it,
acknowledging it, and being willing and able to share it. It
doesn’t matter if someone in the company has been there
longer than you, or that person has read more articles on
the subject than you. That doesn’t mean you don’t have
insight, ideas, or a unique and valuable perspective.
 The first step to boldly and confidently share your
perspectives in any setting begins internally. If you have a
negative habit of valuing other opinions too highly, and as
more valid than your own, then you’ll never really be sure
of what you think in a given situation. It leaves you feeling
confused and unable to express yourself, limiting your
happiness and impact in the world. Imagine if Martin
Luther King didn’t stand up as a leader of the civil rights
movement because he didn’t trust his own perception that
oppression was unacceptable. What if Tony Robbins stayed
working as a janitor because he didn’t think his ideas
mattered?
It’s time to interrupt any nice-person habits that keep you
from owning your perspective. Stop hypnotizing yourself
with the story that you don’t know enough about the
subject, or that other people are smarter and you should
just agree with them and keep silent. Uncovering what you
think about a situation is the first step in being able to
assert yourself.
Start looking inward in all settings–at work, in meetings,
while speaking with your boss, with your spouse, your
friends, and your parents. Ask yourself, “What do I think
about this? What’s my opinion? What’s my perspective?
How do I see the situation?”
You don’t have to even voice this at first. You just have to
assess where you stand internally. Notice if you agree with
what someone is saying, or disagree. If you disagree
internally, don’t immediately push that away with
rationalizing and telling yourself to be more flexible and
open-minded. Instead, honor that difference. Let yourself
think: Hmm, I don’t know about that. Again, for now, you
don’t need to worry about speaking up, what to say, and
how to disagree in conversations. We’ll cover all of that in
Chapter 9.
SMARTER, BETTER, MORE CERTAIN
Sometimes it is hard to honor your perspective because
you’re not so sure inside yourself. Maybe you don’t know
what you think about something, or where you stand on a
topic. This might be from a lack of practice of discovering
and honoring your perspective. In fact, you may have years
of habitually assuming your thoughts, opinions, and
feelings about a subject don’t matter much. But as you
examine what your perspective is more and more, your
sense of certainty will grow stronger.
You also might be automatically assuming that other
perspectives are more valid because you deem them as
smarter and better. Part of this might be due to their age,
experience, or status. It might also be a response to the
level of certainty they have when they communicate. If they
sound confident, it can automatically create a sense of
uncertainty or doubt inside of you.
But remember this: Certainty does not correlate with
accuracy. Just because someone sounds certain, it does not
mean that what they’re saying is accurate. It also doesn’t
mean that it’s more thought out, researched, or backed by
anything at all.
People Just Say Stuff
I remember one moment in graduate school when this
became glaringly obvious to me. I was in my third year of
doctoral training to become a clinical psychologist and had
a good deal of uncertainty about my skills, knowledge, and
ability to help people. Other people were more confident in
their approaches, their theories, and what they would do in
any situation. They had strong opinions about different
methodologies, medications, and treatments. Everyone
seemed to have it all together.
 One morning I was sitting in group supervision with a
seasoned psychologist and several other practicum
students and interns. We were in a community clinic where
we provided counseling to a wide variety of clients of all
ages and backgrounds. One of my colleagues was
confidently asserting a theory about how to intervene in a
specific situation involving children. She was saying
something to the effect of, “The research shows that you
must do A, and not B.” Her tone was decisive. She implied
that if you do B, then you’re an idiot.
Something sounded a little fishy, though. I didn’t think
that B was quite so bad, and I was curious to learn more.
So, I said, “Interesting, I haven’t heard that before. What
research did you read that said that?”
“Well…” she replied, sheepishly, “I saw it on Supernanny.”
I kid you not: Supernanny! The British TV show starring
Jo Frost who does dramatic turn-arounds of naughty
children. Nothing against Jo Frost, and I don’t doubt that
she’s helpful, but that is hardly “the clinical research” that
my colleague was throwing around moments earlier.
In that moment the curtain was pulled back and I saw Oz
was just a little gray-haired man, frantic and uncertain,
hastily manipulating controls in order to look all-knowing
and all-powerful. I realized this is happening behind
everyone’s facade, from doctors, to TV experts, to your
seemingly confident boss or CEO. Those people might have
a lot of experience, insight, and factual knowledge on
various topics. And, they are prone to bias like the rest of
us, are uncertain about all kinds of things, even in their
field of expertise, and often just fill in the gaps with as
much certainty as they can muster.
I remember another conversation I had with the head
psychiatrist in another clinic one morning before a
meeting. He was the clinic co-director and the head
honcho. He sat drinking his coffee and eating a scone and
he said, “This whole anti-gluten craze just boggles my
mind. There’s no scientific evidence that gluten impacts
people in all the ways they say it does.” He continued to
strongly and assertively share his opinions about the foolish
people who avoided gluten.
I found the topic fascinating and had been personally
exploring the effects of gluten on my body. I had not come
to any strong conclusions yet, but I was curious about what
his sources were, because he was indicating that it was a
well-researched medical opinion.
That weekend I was spending time with a good friend of
mine who had just completed his medical school training. I
asked him how much research and training students had
around the topic of diet and nutrition and its impact on
health.
“We had one seminar on that.” He said.
“Like one ongoing class? For how long, like a quarter or a
semester?” I asked.
“No. One, three-hour seminar on diet, nutrition, and how
food impacts disease.”
Now, I have no idea if the psychiatrist at my clinic studied
dozens of hours of nutritional information on his own time,
although I highly doubt it, given his seemingly poor diet
and general appearance of sub-optimal health.
The truth is people just say stuff. They package it in
certainty and lean on their education, experience, or status
to make it sound like it’s highly researched and valid. Start
to pay attention to this phenomenon around you. Question
the sources of people’s knowledge, and start to see through
the illusion that others’ opinions are more intelligent or
important than your own. Start to look inward and find
your own thoughts and feelings about the subjects you
encounter in your daily life.
 MINE AND YOURS
One of the most empowering and liberating benefits of
having boundaries is to know where you end and someone
else begins. More specifically, you know what is your
responsibility and what is someone else’s.
Without boundaries, this distinction is completely unclear
and leads to the over-responsibility challenges we
discussed in the Guilt-Bubble chapter. The sum of this
problem can be described in this simple, highly inaccurate
belief that we carry into all our relationships: If something
is happening in you, it must be due to me.
If you’re upset or angry, it’s because I’ve done something
wrong.
If you’re disappointed or sad, I must have fallen short or
done something to let you down.
If you’re hurt, I must have said it wrong or done
something wrong.
It’s all my fault. Your feelings are my fault, I did this to
you. And now it’s my responsibility to fix them, and fast.
This is a reality that many people buy into. You can have
entire relationships where both people are completely
hypnotized by this illusion. They have lots of fights that
consist of volleying accusations back and forth at each
other: “You did this to me, and then you did that to me, and
you made me do this, and made me feel this way!”
If one person is honest and shares a challenge they’re
having in the relationship, the other person exclaims in
pain and horror, “How could you say something like that to
me?!” This is a defensive maneuver that is designed to shut
down any sort of scary or uncomfortable conversations.
Nine times out of ten it will work in the short term,
especially if the person bringing up the complaint is nice.
They will feel bad for bringing up their challenge and stuff
it back down, going into apology and damage control mode.
Now the conversation is about how mean or bad it was to
share that hurtful thing, instead of addressing the
underlying issue. Problem solved!
In all seriousness, this pattern doesn’t really work in the
long term because the problem is never addressed or
resolved and doesn’t just go away by itself. The one who
uses guilt to shut the other person down is doing so
because they’re scared of painful feelings, criticism, or
being left. Of course, by blocking communication they are
inadvertently bringing about the very thing they are trying
to avoid. Over time they are much more likely to experience
more painful feelings, and the other person most likely will
leave them.
In order to have thriving, healthy romantic relationships,
solid friendships, and effective and enjoyable work
relationships, you must find a way out of the trap of over-
responsibility. You must be able to distinguish between
what is yours and what is somebody else’s.
“One often meets his destiny on the road he takes to avoid
it.”
- Master Oogway
YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE
I am going to make a bold, simple claim here that might
seem extreme or absolute. In fact, it might go against every
nice-person bone in your body. You might challenge it, or
have lots of questions about it. And that’s all OK. Ready?
You are not responsible for other people’s feelings.
Take a moment to sit with that one. Breathe in and out.
Re-read it several times. Try the personal version out: I am
not responsible for other people’s feelings. I am not
responsible for my coworkers’ feelings, my boss’s feelings,
my client’s feelings, my friend’s feelings, my wife or
husband’s feelings, my kid’s feelings, my mom or dad’s
feelings—anyone’s feelings.
How does that feel to say that to yourself? Liberating?
Relieving? Perhaps a little uncomfortable or wrong, as if
you’re saying something bad or cruel? Whatever is
happening inside you, simply slow down, breathe, and
notice.
We want to slow way down here because our minds, and
nice-person programming, can fire up quickly and try to
shut down this line of inquiry. Nice Police sirens start
wailing and this dissenting, Not-Nice idea must be
captured and removed immediately! Bad! Wrong!
In fact, your mind might start sputtering: Wait, wait, what
if I just told my kids to shut up, and told Barry at work that I
hated his fishing stories and didn’t want to hear them
anymore, and told my husband to step up and stop whining
so much? I mean, doesn’t what I say and do matter? What if
I say critical or hurtful things? I can hurt people. I am
responsible!
Or, you may not be having such a strong reaction. You
might be calmly thinking that you agree with the statement
above. It intellectually makes sense to you. But if you
imagine actually being more direct, saying what you really
think in specific situations in your life, you feel anxiety or
guilt. This might indicate that you intellectually agree that
you’re not responsible, but emotionally you feel responsible
for the feelings and actions of others.
You may think this is part of being a good, kind,
thoughtful person. And there is some truth to that. To have
the awareness that your friend is self-conscious about the
fifteen pounds he’s gained and not say, “Geez, Larry, you’ve
really let yourself go. You look like a tired, bloated old
man!” is probably a good thing. Some containment of our
immediate thoughts and reactions is valuable in
relationships. Sometimes, if we’re seething with rage or
resentment, it’s best to just be quiet for a few minutes in
order to calm down. To not send that text, or email, or
storm into the kitchen and start ranting at our partners.
But we can take this too far. Way too far. We can start to
assume that anything that might lead to a negative reaction
or uncomfortable emotion in someone else is inherently
wrong and a bad thing to do. So instead of having only
more extreme things on our “bad list,” like yelling or
harshly criticizing others, we start to add things like:
asking for what we want, disagreeing with someone, telling
someone we don’t like something or are upset, changing
the subject during a conversation, or speaking up for
ourselves and challenging someone in a meeting.
Thus, more and more behaviors become taboo. We start to
view others as fragile creatures who couldn’t possibly
handle any discomfort or upset. We start to view ourselves
as extremely powerful demi-gods who can crush the hearts
of others with a few simple words. We think to ourselves: I
couldn’t possibly do that to her; that would break his heart;
he’d be crushed; she couldn’t handle that.
The reality is you couldn’t handle that. Or, to use more
accurate language, you don’t want to experience your own
discomfort about another person having strong feelings. It
stirs up too much. It pushes your buttons and you don’t like
it.
There are two main problem with this approach. First, it
will never create lasting and satisfying relationships. This is
because close relationships inevitably include discomfort.
It’s impossible to not have moments of disappointment,
hurt, conflict, sadness, and anger. When we believe a
relationship should only involve happy, loving feelings, and
never include discomfort, we avoid all topics and
conversations that are uncomfortable. This keeps
relationships superficial, distant, and lacking passion. We
keep everyone at a safe distance. While this might avoid a
certain kind of immediate discomfort of going into messy
feelings and conversations, we also miss out on the deep
joy, happiness, and fulfillment that can come from fully
connecting with other humans. We end up feeling deeply
alone inside, in spite of having loving people all around us.
The second problem with the avoid discomfort approach
is that it keeps you and others stuck as victims of
circumstance in life. I discuss the difference between being
a Creator in your life and
being a Victim in more detail in my book The Art of
Extraordinary Confidence. The short version is Victims see
life happening to them. Forces outside of their selves
determine how they feel, what they do, and whether or not
they have the life they want. I’m mad because my
boyfriend’s a jerk. I’m stuck in my job and my boss sucks
but I can’t do anything about it. That sort of thing.
A Creator, on the other hand, realizes this: If my life is not
the way I want it to be, then it’s my responsibility to change
my attitude and approach to my circumstances. Over time,
and through consistent action, I can create the life I want. I
won’t get there by blaming others, telling myself that I
suck, or any other avoidance maneuver. I must step up,
face my fear, and take bold action again and again.
When you treat others as fragile, as if they can’t handle
the truth about what you want, how you feel, or how you
think, you are perceiving them as Victims. When you take
responsibility for them, you are keeping them in this Victim
stance. How will they feel if I say this? How could I possibly
do that to them? They will be so disappointed, and sad, and
crushed. They will feel awful, begin drinking heavily, quit
their job, and give up on all their hopes and dreams.
Are you responsible for how they handle what you say?
Are you responsible for how they handle their feelings? Are
you responsible for their choices, such as to drink or how
they handle themselves in their job? Are you responsible
for their happiness? Are you responsible for them having a
sense of purpose in life and pursuing their goals and
dreams? That’s a heavy burden to bear in any relationship.
Managing all of these things for yourself is quite enough,
isn’t it?
The truth is, you are not responsible for their lives. They
are. And they are not victims that require you to take care
of them and do it all for them. Even if the other person sees
themselves as a victim, and even tries to get you to agree,
do not buy into it. It’s just an illusion. It’s a trick they’ve
pulled on themselves and many people around them in
their lives. The truth is underneath their stories and
excuses they are a powerful force that can make things
happen. They are a creator in their lives, just like you and I
are.
 Sometimes, people don’t realize their power until they are
tested. Sometimes people need to experience enough pain
from living as a victim until they wake up. After six months
of drinking, blaming other people, feeling terrible, and
struggling, they just might have an epiphany. I can’t take
this anymore, this isn’t working! They just might get fed up
enough and be ready to step up and take responsibility for
themselves and their own lives.
The best thing you can do for others is to respect their
dignity by seeing them as a powerful creator, no matter
how they see themselves. Do not buy into their Victim story.
And beware of moving through the world taking
responsibility for everyone, assuming they’re all Victims.
They are not small children. They are adults. Powerful
beings who do not need you to handle everything for them
and protect them from all pain. You can let that go.
Right. Now.
HOW TO FREE YOURSELF
FROM OVER-RESPONSIBILITY
In just a moment, I’m going to share three simple,
practical, and powerful tools that you can use immediately
to let go of taking too much responsibility for others. These
will help you shift the way you feel about others’ feelings.
We all know that intellectually telling yourself that you’re
not responsible is one thing, but a profound shift in how
you feel is what’s going to transform your relationships and
your life.
Before we discuss those, it’s essential to answer this
question. What really makes people upset?
You may have spent years, or decades, imagining it was
something you did, or failed to do, that caused the upset in
others. You may have run yourself ragged trying to please
everyone, so no one would ever feel upset, angry, hurt, or
disappointed. You may have done everything to be a nice
person.
However, in all that hustling, you may not have ever
stopped to ask this core question: What really makes
people upset? Take a moment to answer it now. What do
you think? Is it not getting what we want? When someone
is critical or disrespectful towards us? When there’s traffic
on the freeway? When our kids don’t obey us?
Any of these things could make someone upset. But
underneath all of them is this: we get upset when we
perceive our needs are not being met.
Needs are simply core desires that all humans share,
across cultures. We have different ways of going about
trying to meet these needs, but underneath the core needs
are the same. There are many different models for human
needs, but the one I’ve found most simple, clear, and
practical was Tony Robbins’ six human needs.
THE SIX HUMAN NEEDS

This is a quick crash course in these needs, so you can

have a better understanding of what actually makes people
upset. This will help further liberate you from the feelings
of over-responsibility for others’ feelings. For a more in-
depth study of these human needs, which I highly
recommend, read Tony Robbins’ book: Awaken The Giant
Within. You can also learn more about these needs and how
to use them to rapidly grow your confidence in business,
relationships, and life in my in-depth confidence training
course, Confidence Unleashed!
(ConfidenceUnleashedNow.com)
For now, here’s what you need to know about these
human needs. The first four are our most basic needs that
we will find a way to meet no matter what. Healthy or
unhealthy, it doesn’t matter. We’ll do whatever we think we
need to. For example, to meet our need for certainty, we
might do something positive, like take effective action
towards an outcome and visualize our success. Or, we
might get certainty by saying with complete conviction that
we’ll never achieve our goal and it’s pointless to try. Both
meet our need for certainty–one positively, and one
destructively.
We might meet our need for love and connection by
spending time with our partner, slowing down, and sharing
what’s happening in our inner world. We are vulnerable,
open, listening, and deeply connecting. Or, we might meet
that need by opening up a pint of ice cream, sitting on the
couch, and binge watching a show on our laptop. This
temporarily soothes us and helps us feel connected to
ourselves, and the characters on the screen. Again, one
form has many positive benefits, the other tends to be
destructive over time.
These short examples are just scratching the surface of
all the ways people try to meet their needs. On top of that,
each person has a different priority for their needs. For
some people, it’s all about love and connection. They just
want to love everybody and have everyone get along. For
some people, their dominant need is significance. They
want to be number one in all situations, all of the time. To
earn more than you, drive a nicer car than you, have a
hotter partner than you, and to know more about
everything than you. If they don’t achieve this, they feel
inadequate, inferior, upset with themselves, and irritable.
They try to hide it, but inside they feel shame and anger
about not being the best.
So, let me ask you this: if you meet someone like this,
who’s always searching for significance, and often feels like
they’re not enough even though they constantly achieve,
are you responsible for their feelings? Is it your job to make
sure they feel significant enough all the time?
 Here’s another question for you. Are there people who
don’t want to be connected and similar to others? People
who want to be different? Want to be more significant? Or
people who create their identity by challenging others,
debating, disagreeing, and proving others wrong? People
who want to be certain, want to be right, more than they
want to get along? Absolutely. And I’m sure you’ve met a
few of them.
How on earth could we possibly meet these people’s
needs? What if their rules for how their needs can be met
are completely unrealistic? What if they are prioritizing
significance and certainty and it never feels like enough to
them? In all of these cases, it’s going to be very difficult for
them to feel at peace. They themselves will have a very
hard time making this happen. How are you supposed to do
this for them? Impossible. Insanity.
It’s time to let it go. You will never be able to make
anyone and everyone feel happy. At best you can
temporarily meet some of their needs, sometimes. Which is
fantastic news. Because you are not responsible to meet all
their needs—they are! What a relief.
Now that you have even more clarity around what you are
not responsible for, and what you can just let go of, let’s
turn to some practical tools that will help you do just that.
Peace Process
This is an extremely helpful tool that I learned from one of
my mentors, Christian Mickelsen. It’s a specific type of
meditation that can be done sitting with your eyes closed,
lying in bed, or as you drive, walk, and carry out other
activities.
You can use this every time you feel guilt, anxiety, or any
other upset about someone else’s feelings. Actually, you can
use this anytime you feel any unpleasant feeling at all, but
for now let’s focus on using it to release over-responsibility.
Take a moment now to think of a person or situation that
tends to provoke a sense of guilt or anxiety. Perhaps you
are afraid of hurting their feelings, over think what you will
say, and feel afraid of upsetting them. Maybe whenever you
meet someone new, you tend to take responsibility for their
feelings and you get very tense. You worry how you’re
coming across and if you’re making them uncomfortable.
Once you start to feel that uncomfortable, guilty, anxious,
unsettled feeling, congratulations, you’re right on track.
Now, simply bring your attention out of your thoughts and
into your body–right to where you feel that uncomfortable
feeling most. It might be a tightening in your stomach, a
squeezing in your solar plexus (the area in the center of
your body right below your sternum), or a burning feeling
in your chest or throat. Take a few breaths and scan your
body with your awareness until you find the feelings and
then bring your attention right to the center of them.
Breathe. Soften and relax your belly, soften and relax your
jaw. Often times we unconsciously tense up our bodies in
response to an uncomfortable feeling, trying to brace
ourselves or get away from it. The Peace Process is the
exact opposite of that habit. Instead, we move towards the
uncomfortable sensations in our body. Right into the center
of it. Like slowly easing yourself into a cold swimming pool
or a hot bathtub. Our impulse may be to pull back, but if we
just relax our bodies, we can ease in a little further.
As you breathe and move towards the sensations in your
body, notice your attitude towards these feelings. Most
commonly, we don’t like these feelings because they’re
uncomfortable, and we want to be rid of them as soon as
possible. Our stance towards them is one of frustration,
impatience, and irritability. You again? Uggh. I don’t have
time for this. This frustration, resistance, and avoidance is
the very thing that keeps us stuck in the feeling for hours
or days. The key is to surrender.
Surrender to the feeling. Just let it be there, without
trying to fix it, figure it out, or solve it with your mind. Each
time you notice yourself thinking about the feeling, or
anything else, gently bring your attention right back to the
sensations in your body. Just breathing and feeling, nothing
else to do right now.
Keep tuning in, even deeper, right to the center of the
feeling in your body. It may move or shift as you do this. If
so, simply follow it with your awareness as it changes.
Meet the feeling with acceptance, surrender, and even love.
This is just a scared, young part of you that doesn’t want
discord, upset, hurt, or anger in the world. It just wants
everyone to be happy, to love each other. Meet this young,
innocent part of yourself with love, acceptance, and
gentleness. Give it all the attention and love it needs.
As you do this, and as you surrender and let go,
something powerful begins to happen. You stop fearing
other people and their feelings. You may have spent the
vast majority of your life running from these feelings of
discomfort. You may have orchestrated your entire
personality and way of being in the world to minimize their
occurrence. This left you feeling stressed, anxious, and
guilty about almost every relationship in your life.
But when you are willing to slow down, and face these
feelings inside of yourself head on, their power dissipates.
You reclaim your power, and you gain a deep sense of
confidence that comes from knowing you can handle any
feeling.
One of my teachers used to say, “feelings are just
feelings.” It’s a simple statement that seemed a little
stupid-obvious the first time I heard it. But over time I
really got what he meant. These terrible, scary, unbearable
things that I’m running from–they’re just feelings. They are
just uncomfortable or scary sensations in my body that will
dissipate, often quite quickly, if I stop resisting them and
instead meet them with acceptance, curiosity, and love.
If you would like to gain more practice to master this
simple technique, go to NotNiceBook.com. There you will
find an audio recording where I guide you through this
process in real time so you can gain practice and
confidence using it. I recommend using this audio once per
day for twenty days, which will be enough time to help you
completely upgrade the way you relate to yourself and your
feelings. It will also profoundly shift how responsible you
feel for others and increase your own sense of power, ease,
and freedom to just be yourself.
Energy Bubble
This is a simple and effective visualization that can help
your subconscious mind let go of taking on so much
responsibility for other people’s feelings. You can do this
first thing when you wake up in the morning, or as you
remember throughout the day.
Imagine a clear bubble all around your body. It surrounds
you completely and is about two or three feet away from
your skin on all sides. It goes out in front, behind you, to
the sides, above your head, and even several feet down into
the ground beneath you. It can be completely clear or it
can have a slight color to it, whichever color you like:
green, blue, pink, red, yellow, or anything that feels right.
Mine is typically light green.
Take a moment to look around you, imagining this bubble.
Seeing it on all sides, becoming more aware of its
presence. This is your energy bubble. It stands between
you and other people as a semi-permeable membrane. That
means it lets in certain things while keeping others out.
Other people’s anger, anxiety, judgments and criticisms
remain outside the bubble. Love, excitement, and positive
connection can pass right through so you can feel it deeply.
This may seem strange to you, or too simple to be of any
real impact. But it can be quite powerful. Imagery and
symbols communicate directly with our emotional brain in
a way that words and language do not. This is one of the
reasons why our dreams, which are made up almost
entirely of imagery and symbols, are often so dominated by
feelings.
I first began using this technique when I was doing face-
to-face counseling as a psychotherapist. I noticed that after
certain sessions I would be affected by what my client had
shared, emotionally wrapped up in the drama of their lives,
as if I were the one who was fighting with my partner,
breaking up, anxious, or depressed. I wanted to be
supportive, yet I needed to take care of myself in order to
do effective work and thrive in my own life.
Each morning before I began my sessions, I would take
several minutes to imagine this bubble. I gave mine a
bright, transparent green color that I could see through. I
would remind myself that it kept everything out that wasn’t
mine, and that taking on other people’s struggles was very
different than helping them through theirs.
During sessions, when there was a particularly intense
moment or story that a client was sharing with me, I would
remind myself of the bubble and let myself imagine it there
again in the session. Sometimes, I would imagine clear
water cascading down on the outside of the bubble, gently
washing the outside and adding another boundary to keep
me completely safe.
 If I felt myself taking in too much of any emotion that I
didn’t need, I would imagine myself gently moving it back
outside the bubble with my next exhale, saying in my mind,
this is not mine, thank you.
Using this technique doesn’t eliminate compassion or
empathy for the people around us. We can still be strongly
moved by the joys and sorrows of the people in our lives. It
just helps distinguish between being moved by another’s
suffering, and taking that suffering on as your own. Seeing
the pain and desiring to help alleviate it is compassion.
Feeling the pain and becoming angry, sad, anxious, or upset
yourself is a sign of taking on something that is not yours.
You can experiment with this technique to emotionally
release feeling overly responsible for others’ experiences.
For example, one of my clients, Olivia, imagined this bubble
around herself whenever her mother was angry. Her
mother would storm around the kitchen, silently oozing
anger and resentment in a way that was hard to ignore.
She would occasionally say something to my client in an
impatient or harsh tone.
Olivia felt responsible for her mother’s anger, even
though she intellectually knew that it had nothing to do
with her. Regardless, she would instantly react with strong
feelings of anxiety, unease, and an impulse to do or say
something that would fix it instantly (or just run away).
As she imagined this bubble, she became more able to
simply be in the presence of her mother, doing what she
needed to do in the kitchen, while feeling more space
between them. During one session, she told me that while
she was in the kitchen with this energy bubble around her
she had this insight, which helped her feel calmer around
her mother, even when she was angry: There’s something
going on with her, and those are her feelings to deal with,
not mine.
Is this energy bubble going to solve all of your problems
and bring you instant joy, peace, and happiness forever and
ever? Yes. And for the low price of $9,999.99 you can get
your very own bubble now!
No, this bubble is not a cure all. But it is a simple and
easily doable technique that can powerfully reinforce what
you need to remember in situations that matter. Combined
with what you are learning in this chapter and in this book,
it can help you be freer around others, no matter what is
happening around you.
Pattern Interrupt
One of the biggest challenges with letting go of over-
responsibility is that it has become so habitual that it’s
automatic. The moment you see someone you work with is
upset, your mind instantly interprets it as your fault. Your
nervous system responds by shooting out some stress
hormones, and gearing your body up to address the danger.
This all happens in a heartbeat.
Later that afternoon or evening you might think to
yourself: Geez, there I did it again. I got so caught up in
worrying about if they were upset with me. Why do I keep
doing this?
First, great job for catching it and noticing this. That is
actually a great sign of progress. Secondly, let’s see if we
can ditch the frustration with yourself because, contrary to
popular belief, getting pissed at yourself doesn’t actually
help you learn or grow any faster. Thirdly, you simply need
a pattern interrupt.
A pattern interrupt is a fancy NLP term for interrupting a
pattern or behavior or thought.4 Whoa. Those guys are
clever. Besides, saying, “I’m going to run a pattern
interrupt” sounds cooler than saying, “I’m going to
interrupt someone’s pattern.” In any case, the key to
shifting out of over-responsibility and into personal
empowerment is going to involve catching the habitual
pattern in the moment and changing it.
The best example that comes to mind is one you’ll be very
familiar with if you went to school in the United States
within the last three to four decades. I’m not sure if they’re
still doing this, but when I was a kid, we had extensive
training on what to do in case of a fire. Not a big fire drill
where you learn the exit route from your classroom into the
school quad or parking lot. I mean what to do if you
personally are on fire. Apparently, if a kid catches on fire,
the default pattern is to run around the room screaming,
catching all the other kids on fire. So, they needed a
pattern interrupt. Do you remember what it was? Three
simple words…
Stop…
Drop…
…and Roll!
I remember doing sing-song practices where we’d call
out, “Fire!” then all shout out, “Stop, Drop, and Roll!” as
we acted out those behaviors. We did it so many times that
to this day, if I were to catch on fire, the first thing that
would go through my mind (after, Oh no! I’m on fire!) would
be: Aziz! Stop, drop and roll!
To let go of over-responsibility, the first step is to notice
the pattern just as it’s happening. Pay close attention to
what tends to trigger that feeling of fear, anxiety, or guilt.
That urge to make it better, get that person to feel happier,
or like you more. Is there a grumpy co-worker that tends to
trigger it in you? Is it the days when your boss seems
preoccupied or irritable? Is it when your husband uses a
certain tone? Take a moment now to think about a few of
the major triggers in your current life.
The next time these occur, call them out as soon as you
can in your mind. At first, you might not catch it until two
hours later when you’re driving home. And that’s OK. As
time goes by, you’ll get better at catching it right in the
moment. Whenever you notice it, the first step is to say
something to yourself that shows you caught the pattern. In
the spirit of the example above, you could say, “Fire!”
Since noticing an old pattern and becoming frustrated
with ourselves often go hand in hand, it can be helpful to
add a playful element to the discovery. When you catch the
old pattern running, you could say to yourself: “Fire!” Then
make the sound of an old fire engine “Wheee-ooooh-wheee-
ooooh.” If this is silly and absurd and makes you smile or
roll your eyes, good! That’s better than being all cranky
pants with yourself. We learn much faster when we’re light
and playful than when we’re overly serious and irritated.
After catching it, the next step is to insert a new pattern.
You can experiment with different options until you find
what works best for you, but here are several things that
have worked well for me and my clients.
Start by simply taking several conscious breaths. Notice
and feel your body as you breathe in, then breathe out.
Slow down for just a moment. Then, remind yourself of the
truth. You might say something like this to yourself:
I am not responsible for their feelings.
We’re all adults here, and responsible for our own
feelings.
I’m responsible for my feelings, they’re responsible for
theirs.
As they learn to navigate their feelings, they will grow
along their path.
I can actually be more supportive and compassionate
when I don’t buy into their stories and internalize their
issues.
You can experiment with the statements above or come
up with one that works best for you. The key is to remind
yourself of what is actually true. Much like when we first
catch on fire, our default pattern when someone is upset is
to frantically scream in our minds, “They hate me! We’re all
gonna die!”
Remember, what really makes someone upset is the
perception that they’re not meeting their needs. If you’ve
let go, and don’t feel responsible for “fixing” their feelings
and making everything instantly better and smooth, then
you can consider if there’s something you can do to help
them meet their needs. This is coming from a very different
place than the approval-seeking pleaser who is scared of
the emotions of others. This isn’t coming from fear, it’s
coming from a desire to connect, love, and contribute.
From this place, we can ask ourselves, What might this
person need? Do they need a sense of certainty or security?
If you notice they seem anxious or unsettled, this might be
what they need. Are they feeling unappreciated, not good
enough, unsure of themselves and their abilities? Perhaps
they need some significance. Or maybe they just need some
love and connection. Just take your best guess and then
experiment with ways that you might help.
For example, in the case of someone needing certainty,
you might provide reassurance: “I can see you’re worried
about not getting the project in on time. I know it’s a high-
pressure situation. And I also know that you’ve done so
much amazing work for this company, and that they need
you. Even if you miss this deadline, they’re going to want to
keep working with you for a long time.”
If someone is needing significance, you can acknowledge
or appreciate them for something specific. Give them a
compliment for something they did well. Highlight a quality
or characteristic in them that is positive, that you admire.
Give them praise.
If it’s love and connection, you might lend a listening ear.
Hear them out. Empathize with them, and share your own
experience so they realize they’re not alone.
If you’re not sure what they need, guess what? You can
ask them! This sounds so simple, yet I didn’t realize it was
a valid option for years. It’s not only valid, it can be the
most supportive and effective way to help someone when
they are struggling. In a curious and patient tone, ask
them, “Do you know what you need right now?” or “What
do you think would support you best right now?”
These are just a few examples of the dozens of ways you
can support, help, and contribute to others. Once we’ve
let go of taking responsibility for others’ feelings, it
frees us up to focus on them and really give them
what we can in the moment. We’re no longer focused on
ourselves, tense and worried about whether they’ll like us
or not. We can show up more powerfully, and serve more
deeply.
This is yet another example of the Not Nice paradox.
When we’re trying to be nice, please others, and be a “good
person” who everyone likes, we end up becoming way more
self-absorbed. We don’t approach the person who’s
struggling in an effective or helpful way. We either avoid
them because we’re scared, or we come out guns ablazin’,
trying to hastily fix their feelings because we can’t tolerate
their upset. But when we let all this go, we end up being
way more attentive, focused on others, loving, and helpful.
We end up being better people by letting go of trying to be
“better” people.
4. NLP stands for Neuro-Linguistic Programming which is a therapeutic approach
that involves visualization, hypnosis, and the strategic use of language to
change beliefs, emotions, and behavior.
 SURRENDER
THE APPROVAL QUEST
“You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world,
and there’s still going to be someone who hates peaches.”
- Dita Von Teese
By now you are probably aware that an endless quest to get
people to like you is somewhat misguided. You might be
seeing how strong your desire for approval has been, and
how this desire has reduced your authenticity, power, and
sense of freedom around others. It also leads to feeling
uncomfortable in your own skin, and generally being
dissatisfied with social interactions.
And yet, simply seeing the need for approval doesn’t
necessarily make it stop. After reading the second chapter
in this book, which highlighted the Approval Seeker in all
of us, you may have thought: Yes, I can see this isn’t helping
me. But, how do I stop?
The simple answer is to build power and self-esteem,
which happens to be exactly what you’re learning in this
section of the book, so that’s good. And it starts, like many
things, with having boundaries.
At its core, the excessive need for approval is a boundary
problem. Mine and yours is not clearly defined. Thus, your
opinion becomes my opinion. You think my shoes look
stupid? Now I think my shoes look stupid. It goes the other
way as well: my opinion becomes your opinion (or so I
imagine). I have funny looking teeth and my ears are too
big. Now I imagine you are looking at my teeth and ears
and judging them as funny looking and too big,
respectively. Or perhaps it’s the opposite. You think my
teeth are too big and my ears are funny looking. In any
case, it’s bad. I’m bad. I suck.
 These poorly defined boundaries make us very susceptible
to the perceptions of others. In order to fully free ourselves
from incessant approval seeking, we need to strengthen
those boundaries.
DUDE, YOUR REALITY IS WEAK
I pulled up in front of her house in my aging silver Chrysler
Concord. It was a sweet ride. And by sweet, I mean
dangerously unreliable. The A/C worked intermittently,
there was an electrical problem with the blinkers, and each
time you started up the car there was an insanely loud buzz
that came out of the glove box area and lasted for eight
seconds. Oh, and sometimes if you slowed down to under
five miles per hour the engine would die and the steering
wheel would lock (hence the dangerously unreliable part).
Still, it was the car I learned to drive in and it had been
passed down from my dad to my mom to my older brother,
and now, to me. No one had died in it yet, so the odds were
in my favor.
I checked my reflection in the mirror, making sure I
looked as good as I could. It was my first date with Alexis. I
was going to meet her at her house, hang out for a bit, then
go into downtown Santa Barbara for dinner and a movie. I
was nervous. She was talented, funny, intelligent, and
gorgeous. Obviously, in my mind, she was better than me,
out of my league. I didn’t want to mess it up.
Ok, here I go, I thought to myself. I took a few breaths in
and out, then opened my car door. I walked towards her
front door, feeling both excited and nervous energy moving
through my body. I rang her doorbell and took a step back,
waiting on the porch.
She opened the door wearing a snug-fitting maroon
sweater and skin-tight jeans. Wow, she was beautiful. And
better than me. We greeted and she invited me in. She
offered me a drink and I said sure.
“What kind?” she asked. She listed several different
beers.
 “Whatever you’re having is fine,” I said.
From that moment on I was in her reality. Everything was
being filtered through the “will she like this?” filter. Will
she like my beer choice? Will she dislike it if I said I didn’t
want a beer at all? (Which is what I actually would have
preferred.)
On the drive to the movie I chose music that I thought she
would like. I felt self-conscious about the songs playing,
wondering if they were good enough. The dinner, the
movie, the topics of conversation… everything was filtered,
modified, edited for optimal pleasing. I was so gracious, so
polite, so... nice.
After that date, I never saw her again. Well, perhaps in
passing somewhere around the UC Santa Barbara campus.
But never on a date. Because after that she didn’t want to
go out with me again.
What happened? Where had I gone wrong? I was so
confused, hurt, and frustrated by the entire experience.
And it was one that seemed to happen again and again. I
blamed my appearance, my height, my face, my eyes, my
clothes, my car, and my athletic abilities. Although I didn’t
realize it at the time, it had nothing to do with any of these.
It was simply because I didn’t live in my own reality.
What does that mean, to “live in your own reality?” No, it
doesn’t mean being disconnected in some strange
psychotic hallucination. To live in your reality means
you own who you are, what you like, what you
believe in, what you stand for, and what you think
and feel in the moment. It means you are aware of these
things and are living your life according to them. It means
they matter to you more than the perceptions, likes,
dislikes, and beliefs of those around you.
There is a strength and a solidity to owning your reality.
You are there. You are present, and your presence can be
felt. The problem with my date with Alexis was that she
couldn’t feel me or my presence. I was a clear plastic bag
that was wrapping around her, morphing to her shape and
characteristics. I wasn’t a real, solid, full other human that
she was having contact with. And that’s just not that
appealing–in love, business, or any relationship.
The first step to releasing yourself from the grips of the
Approval-Seeker is to start to own your reality. You have
already been doing this by discovering what you want and
valuing your perspective. To strengthen your own reality
even more, let’s do this little exercise.
Grab a journal or open a note file on your phone or
computer so you can write a few things down. For each
question, write for 2 minutes straight, without pausing,
over-thinking, or analyzing what you are writing. This is
just for you to reflect on, not something you are going to
turn in to be graded.
What do you love?
(What do you like, appreciate, and enjoy?)
What do you hate?
(What do you dislike, what annoys you, bothers you,
irritates you, or pisses you off?)
What do you believe?
(What do you believe in? Start each sentence with “I
believe...”)
What is great about you?
(What are your strengths, positive qualities, quirks, and
endearing traits? What makes you, you?)
What’s your purpose?
(Why are you here? What is the point? What are you going
to do?)
As I often do, I’ll play along with you. Perhaps my sharing
will highlight something for you, inspire you to be more
expressive or free, or just help you feel like you’re not such
a nut once you see what kinds of crazy stuff I write. In any
case, here’s what comes to me as I answer the above
questions:
What do you love?
Myself, my kids, Candace, sunshine, rain, green grass and
big trees, the forest, the sky, the Sierras, mountains, comfy
sweatpants, Nike Free shoes, Apple gadgets, writing,
breaking through fear, getting up super early and getting
stuff done, my family, my friends, this life, my health, my
body, learning, outer space, The Mystery, apples and
almond butter, good sci-fi books and movies, audiobooks,
growing and learning, kale.
What do you hate?
Unconsciousness, disconnected greed, people who injure
others and don’t care about it, people who knowingly harm
humans, animals, and the earth but somehow delude
themselves into thinking it doesn’t matter so they can
attain even more money (that they’ll never spend anyway),
most country music, angry and ignorant racist pundits,
cultural hypnosis, that TV has so much hypnotic power over
most people who have access to it, when people don’t look
inwards and grow, haters, people who tear others down
because they will never take the risks themselves, violence,
rape, humans who are disconnected from their hearts.
What do you believe?
I believe anyone can radically transform their confidence
no matter how long they’ve been stuck.
I believe confidence is a skill that anyone can learn.
I believe the more authentic and vulnerable you are, the
more people love you.
I believe success is inevitable if you’re willing to take
action and do the inner work.
I believe in celebrating failure, mistakes, rejections, and
no’s–they’re the fast track to massive success.
I believe in being on my own side no matter what.
I believe it’s possible to love myself so fully, so fiercely,
that I treat myself with respect and compassion, no
matter what happens.
I believe anyone can become a confident, charismatic
conversation master.
I believe the more we feel our feelings without running
from them, the more powerful we become.
I believe action + feeling uncomfortable feelings + self-
love is the path to unlimited confidence and success.
I believe in doing what scares you until fear has no power
over you.
I believe in doing what scares you in the service of
something greater.
I believe in the power of momentum.
I believe the first step is the hardest and it does get
easier.
I believe everyone can create a fantastic income doing
something that excites and inspires them, if they have the
confidence to pursue it until they create it.
I believe in the crossfade: Continue your current work
even if you don’t like it while creating something better
now.
I believe it’s possible to be a leader in your field if you
constantly learn and do what scares you.
I believe I am guided.
I believe each of us is here for a reason, to bring
something to the world, to make an impact, to contribute.
I believe presence in this moment is more important than
any goal, any project, anything else. It is the foundation
 for love, gratitude, and peace.
I believe I am love, I am lovable, I embody love, I exude
love.
I believe everyone is beautiful and has an inner light that
is more attractive than any external appearance.
I believe each person is 100 times more powerful then
they see, realize, or believe.
What’s great about you?
I am smart, funny, witty, and highly intelligent. I learn
things quickly and can grasp concepts and ideas rapidly
when I put my mind to something. I am extremely
dedicated, committed, and disciplined. I am courageous,
bold, and willing to face my fears again and again. I am a
fantastic speaker and I can quickly connect with individuals
and entire audiences by being present, authentic,
vulnerable, and energetic. I am great looking, attentive,
endlessly curious, and fascinated in life. I ask great
questions and fully listen to people as they share. I tell
engaging stories and I can make almost anyone laugh. I am
an amazing dad–present, loving, expressive, patient, and
willing to look inward and continually grow. I am an
amazing husband–loving, devoted, curious, emotionally
expressive, vulnerable, inspiring, and fun.
What is your purpose?
I am here to eradicate social anxiety and instill
confidence. To smash through fear, doubt, hatred, and
criticism. To bring power, boldness, authenticity, humor and
love for myself, and for as many people as I can on the
planet. I am here to take care of my family, to create an
extraordinary love with Candace, and to give my children
all I can to support them in becoming powerful leaders in
their own lives. I am here to be a Warrior of the Light. To
positively impact as many people as I can during my life,
and afterwards through what I can create. I am a force for
good, a force for God.
If you have not done this exercise, I highly encourage you
to stop now and do it. Strengthening your reality and sense
of self has a powerful effect on your inner confidence and
self-esteem. It also directly impacts those around you, as
they see you as more self-assured, powerful, and as a
leader.
 YOU WILL BE DISLIKED
“This book is trash. I wish I’d purchased the paper copy so I
could wipe my ass with it.”
- Audible Review for The Solution to Social Anxiety
At the time I’m writing this, there are 7.4 billion humans on
this planet. And that number just keeps going up. Barring
massive calamity or world order collapse, estimates for the
year 2100 range from 11 to 14 billion people. That’s a
whole heck of a lot.
We hear numbers in the billions, and even trillions, quite
a bit these days, as it relates to national spending and
budgets. But few people actually grasp how large these
numbers really are. If you were to take a single US dollar
bill and lay it on the ground, it will measure just under 6
inches. If you laid out 100 bills just like that, end to end, it
would be 614 inches or about 51 feet (or 15.5 meters for
my international friends). So far so good. Do you know how
long 1,000,000,000 (one billion) dollar bills would be? Take
a guess now.
96,900 miles (about 156,000 kilometers). This would be
enough to wrap around the entire earth almost four times.
A billion is a huge amount.
There are 7 billion of us humans running around. The
vast, vast majority of these people will never even know of
you and your existence. If 500 people know you, which is a
lot of people if you think about it, that means you’re
interacting directly with.00005% of the humans on the
planet. If you do something that brings more attention to
yourself, such as writing a successful book or being in the
media, that number may be slightly higher. In any case, the
majority of humanity doesn’t know about you, and doesn’t
really care.
 And when it comes to the people you do know and
interact with, how much control do you really have over
what makes them like you? It’s way less than we’d like to
admit.
THE MAGIC NUMBER 62
Once I was working with a client named Mira who really
didn’t like the idea that some people could dislike her. She
intellectually understood that this was inevitable, but she
hated it emotionally. She also kept asking, “Yes, but doesn’t
how I show up determine whether people like me? If I am
charming, or funny, or warm? This will make people like me
more, won’t it?”
That’s when I came up with the Magic Number 62.
“Imagine you walk into a room that has 100 people in it
that you don’t know,” I said during one of our private
sessions, “total strangers. Let’s say you had the confidence
to approach each person in that room over the course of
the day and talk with them. With each person you were
able to be relaxed, open, curious, and comfortable. You
shared who you were, what you liked, and found out more
about them as well. You could also be playful, silly,
vulnerable, and everything else you can do when you’re
completely at ease. You are just 100% you.”
“OK…” she said, imagining this scenario.
“Out of those 100 people, would every single one like you
equally?”
“No,” she stated quickly, with certainty.
“I agree. Some people would love you and really want to
spend more time with you. Some would enjoy your
company and think you’re pleasant. Some would have a
neutral experience and may not even remember the
interaction several weeks later. Some would be dissatisfied
and not enjoy your presence. And some would feel strong
anger and dislike you.”
“Mmm,” she said. It sounded to me like acknowledgment
of this likelihood, and a dislike of this fact.
 “The question is, out of 100, how many people would have
a generally positive feeling towards you?” I asked.
“Uh,” she paused and laughed, considering the slightly
odd question. “I don’t know,” she finally said.
“Sixty-two,” I declared emphatically.
“Sixty-two?”
“That’s right. Sixty-two people would like you after that
day,” I said again. There was a long pause as she was trying
to figure out just how in the world I came up with this
number. “No, I’m just kidding, I have no way of knowing,
and neither do you!” She laughed, and we began to discuss
this further.
“The number could be forty, or fifty, or sixty-two, or
eighty-seven. But it’s highly probable that it will not be one
hundred. This is because each person has their own history,
perspective, and worldview. Some people will dislike you
simply based on your appearance–your physical features, or
the clothes you wear. Some people may dislike you because
you remind them of their critical mother or their ex. Others
might feel intimidated or envious and to deal with feeling
inferior they’ll judge and criticize you in their heads to
bring you down a notch to their level. Still others are just
feeling dissatisfied in their own lives, pissed off at their
spouse or boss, and looking for an outlet to release their
pent-up frustration.
“The reasons could go on and on, and they’re mostly
mysterious and remain unexamined in people. They won’t
get curious as to why they have a negative reaction to
someone; they won’t look inward. They’ll think that person
sucks and that’s that.
“The truth is, we don’t have control of whether
people like us or not. The only thing we have control
over is how fully we show up. How much we put
ourselves out there. How boldly and freely we can be
ourselves around others in the world. Because I do know
one thing for certain. If you lurked in the shadows in that
room of one hundred people, and waited for others to
approach you, and just smiled and nodded and passively
engaged in a few conversations, trying to be nice and be
exactly what you think everything else wants, then your
number would be a lot lower than sixty-two.”
We discussed this for the entire session, and in that time,
something really clicked for Mira. She saw the futility of
trying to control everyone else’s responses and focused her
attention on what she could control–how fully she allowed
herself to show up.
I know that letting go of this compulsive need to be liked
by everyone can be challenging. It can persist despite
reason and seem totally irrational, which is all the more
reason to use something like the peace process described
above. When you notice yourself feeling all twisted up
about some negative feedback, or someone not liking you
or something you did, stop what you’re doing, slow down,
and take a few minutes to find the place in your body that
is hurting. Your mind might be spitting out a thousand
thoughts per minute, about how they’re wrong, how dare
they, and how bad you are, and on and on around the merry
go round. Let this keep spinning and drop your attention
out of your mind into your body.
Notice the squeezing in your chest, or the tightness in
your throat, or the hollow feeling in the pit of your
stomach. Bring your attention right there, to the center of
that uncomfortable feeling, and hold it with compassion,
patience, and love. Nothing to change, solve, figure out, or
fix. Just feeling and breathing. After doing this for several
minutes, you might be amazed at how much better you feel,
without changing anyone’s opinion of you at all.
I’M NOT FOR EVERYBODY
One of my teachers and mentors is a man named Rich
Litvin. He is a successful leader and coach who runs his
business based on his values, rather than by doing what
everyone else is doing. He bucks trends and does things his
own way. And that is exactly why I was drawn to him. One
thing he would repeat frequently in my sessions with him
was, “my coaching is not for everybody.”
This struck a chord with me because at the time I was
struggling over people not liking me professionally. I’d
overcome quite a bit of my need for approval when it came
to social and dating contexts. But I found many of those
same insecurities lurking in the shadows when I began to
share my teachings and services with the world. I would
get glowing emails with people thanking me for the
transformations they experienced in their confidence and
lives through my books, YouTube videos, podcasts, and
training programs. And I would get the occasional person
who hated me or something I was doing. Those emails
would cut right through my boundaries and sting right in
the center of my heart. My mind would flare up with all the
things I wanted to say back, all the ways I wanted to show
them that I wasn’t the greedy, bad, awful person they
imagined I was.
Then it hit me. It’s not just that my coaching and
teachings are not for everybody. I’m not for everybody. That
simple insight lead to a profound sense of relief. I no longer
needed to convince every person who came across me or
my message that I was a good, worthy person. Some people
would love what I was doing, and some would not. That’s
OK; I’m not for everybody. Just thinking it or saying it out
loud makes me smile. Try saying it out loud right now: “I’m
not for everybody.” Isn’t it a relief?
Not only that, it’s absolutely true. How could you possibly
be liked by everyone? One person dislikes people who make
more money than they do, and another person dislikes and
looks down on people who make less. One person likes
someone who tells long, detailed stories, and another
person hates it when people tell stories because they get
restless and bored. No matter what you do, some people
are inherently going to dislike it, and dislike you. And the
more people that know about you, the more people there
are who will dislike you. Which can sound terrifying at first
until you realize that “I’m not for everybody.”
Let this sweet message settle into your subconscious.
Repeat it often throughout your next few days and weeks.
See the truth of it, and let yourself experience the freedom
that comes from letting others have the dignity of their own
perceptions, beliefs, ideas, reactions, and judgments,
without needing to convince or control them in any way.
Just look at how beautifully this response works:
“You’re an awful coach. You don’t really help people that
much.”
“Well, my coaching is not for everybody. Some people will
benefit greatly and some will not.”
“Your books are terrible. I don’t understand why people
like them. Useless waste of time, nothing valuable in there,
I could barely sit through it.”
“Ha, sounds like you were pretty miserable reading them.
Yeah, my books aren’t for everybody.”
“You curse too much. I think that’s bad and shameful and
it really disappoints me and turns me off of your work.”
“Yeah, I do curse a fair amount in some of my materials.
My videos, seminars, and books are not for everybody.”
How can you use this in your own life? What types of
criticisms do you imagine people could launch at you (or
have already in the past)? What happens if you simply
acknowledge their point and say, “I’m not for everybody”?
Bag of Ones
While it’s true that some people won’t like us, and that
we’re not for everybody, it’s also helpful to keep in mind
that many, many people do like, appreciate, and love us
when we fully put ourselves out there. Sometimes we
forget this and tend to presumptuously assume that most
people won’t like us, don’t want to hear our opinion, and
will be quick to judge us harshly if we are anything less
than perfect. This is not reality. This is simply a distorted
perception that comes from focusing too much on our Bag
of Ones.
Your Bag of Ones was explained to me by a bright and
perceptive coach I met at a conference. She explained it
this way: If you were to go into a room of 100 people and
say “hi” to everybody, 99 would say “hi” back and one
would coldly stare you down and say, “Oh… it’s you. What
are you doing here?”
Whenever we go to a new environment—a networking
event, a conference, a party, a new job, or anywhere else
where we’re putting ourselves out there—we imagine that
one person. We may even go so far as to find the one
person at that event that gives us that cold, negative
response, and add them to our Bag of Ones.
Then we carry this bag over our shoulders, always
anticipating a negative reception to everything we do. We
have all the evidence we could ever need because we’re
carrying that sucker around on our backs.
Perhaps it’s time to let go of the bag.
What would happen if you refocused your attention on the
99 positive responses? Or 82, or whatever the number may
be? What if you focused on the people who loved you,
appreciated you, encouraged you, and saw your greatness?
What might happen if you carried all of that in your bag?
Let’s take a moment to pause and reflect. As we conclude
this chapter on boundaries, I want to start by
congratulating you. To make it this far, and to do such a
deep study of yourself and your patterns requires courage
and a strong commitment to growth. You truly are in a
minority of extraordinary people, and I honor and admire
you for it.
What’s standing out to you from this chapter? What are
you learning? What are you going to apply in your life this
week? If you were to share your new insights, or teach a
friend about what you are discovering, what would you
say? Engaging with the material in this way will help you
internalize it and use it to transform your life more rapidly.
It’s time to explore the other pillars of Not Nice. As you
become clearer on what you want and don’t want, what you
perceive, and who you are when you’re no longer seeking
approval, you have a much stronger self to interact with the
world. It might seem like the next logical step would be to
speak up and start voicing what you want and saying what
you don’t want.
But that’s actually several steps away. Because in order to
be able to speak up for yourself, to break through old
habits of stuffing, staying silent, and smiling, you will need
power. And the nicer you are, the more disconnected from
your power you have become. In fact, niceness actually
blocks you from one of the most primal and significant
sources of your power: your shadow.
 CHAPTER 8:

OWN YOUR
SHADOW
For the last few months, my wife and I have noticed an
interesting pattern with our first son, Zaim. He’s just about
to turn three years old and is, as most three-year-olds, a
little wild man. Each Monday and Friday we have a nanny,
Alexa, who comes for five hours to help watch the boys
while my wife takes care of essential tasks and her own
needs. We noticed that after the nanny left, Zaim would go
on a mini-rampage. He’d scream, knock things over, try to
throw items off the counter and be much more likely to hit
his younger brother. Full-on destructo-mode.
At first my guess was that he was upset that Alexa left
because he enjoys playing with her. I would ask him about
it and empathize that it was hard to have her go. This
seemed to help a little, but it certainly didn’t make a big
difference. Neither my wife nor I had a better idea, so we
stuck with the “contain and empathize” approach for a little
while, until one day when my wife was home while the
nanny was over. She overheard a fascinating conversation
that changed everything.
While my wife was taking care of tasks in the kitchen, she
overheard Zaim and Alexa playing a game with stuffed
animals in the living room.
ZAIM: Arggh! T-Rex is going to fight you. Fight!
ALEXA: Let’s have T-Rex hug instead.
ZAIM: T-Rex is going to fight you. He’s going to kill you.
 ALEXA: Oh no! I don’t like killing games. Let’s have them
be friends.
This is by no means a rare occurrence. I’d known for a
while that Alexa was a very nice person, in all the ways
described in Part I of this book. Of course, she would want
to guide Zaim to be nice too.
As soon as I heard this, I had an idea. The next time Alexa
left, I ran over to Zaim and said, “Let’s play a chasing
game!” He was intrigued and his eyes brightened as a big
smile expanded across his face. As we raced around the
house, I came across the T-Rex stuffed animal. I picked him
up and abruptly stopped to turn towards Zaim. “T-Rex is
going to fight you!” I announced dramatically.
“No, I’m the T-Rex!” Zaim declared, grabbing the stuffed
animal out of my hand.
“Ok, I’m the Triceratops!” I replied as I grabbed another
stuffed dinosaur.
We fought it out so hard with those dinos. They flew in the
air at each other, smashed each other, cast magic spells at
each other, and killed each other. It was glorious. And it
was extremely calming for Zaim.
How come? Because he’d just spent five hours with
someone who represses her own shadow and unconsciously
guides him to repress his. This creates a pressure that he
then needs to release in the form of agitated, destructive,
and aggressive energy.
The one major difference between a three-year-old and an
adult, is that the adult can be much better at stuffing their
shadow and keeping it out of sight for much longer periods
of time. This makes it subtler, often out of our conscious
awareness, and takes a much greater toll on our lives.
WHAT IS THE SHADOW?
Nineteenth century Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung was the
first person to coin the term “shadow,” although many
before him described the “darker impulses” of humans.
Your shadow is made up of all the qualities that you
learned are unacceptable in society. This includes
thoughts, feelings, impulses, and actions that you learned
are bad, unacceptable, and bring on disapproval and a loss
of love.
Each person’s shadow is slightly different due to the
unique messages they received from their family, school,
religious community, and peers. These specific messages
shape what you see as acceptable attire, how to speak with
others, what’s OK to say and not say, and so forth.
There are also certain qualities that are generally held in
the shadow for most people in most societies. These
include things like anger, aggression, physical violence,
sex, masturbation, selfishness, and greed. Basically, think
The Seven Deadly Sins from Catholicism (pride, greed, lust,
envy, gluttony, wrath, and sloth).
From a very young age we begin to pick up on what is
good and what is bad. Sometimes this is directly taught to
us through reprimands or punishment (“Don’t hit your
brother! Hitting is bad!”), and other times it is learned
through observation of adults and listening in on their
conversations. Regardless of how we learn it, we quickly
realize there are ways we should be and ways we must
never be. Sounds a bit like the Nice Person training we
talked about earlier in this book, right?
Well, there’s one interesting twist here. All of those things
that you learn not to do don’t just disappear. The desire to
hit your brother, take his cookie, and eat it right now is still
inside of you, you just learn how to suppress the impulse.
In this chapter, you are going to discover much more
about your shadow and how it holds the key to liberate you
from the cage of excessive niceness. First, we have to
expand who you think you are...
 YOU ARE NOT JUST
A “NICE PERSON”
I’m sorry to break it to you. You’re not just a nice person.
You’re not only kind, loving, generous, good-hearted,
patient, wise, smart, proactive, and responsible. I’m not
saying you aren’t these things. In fact, you may have many
or even all of those qualities. But guess what? You’re also
selfish, self-centered, judgmental, impatient, impulsive,
greedy, and careless.
Ouch.
Now before you throw this book across the room in
defensive disgust, hang on for one moment so I can explain.
I am all these things, too. We all are. Because we humans
are animals, even though we often forget this fact, and we
are extremely complex. In fact, we share a large amount of
our core brain structures with reptiles. This part of our
brain is primarily concerned with keeping ourselves alive,
securing a mate and having sex, and maintaining power
and domination over others so that we can secure said
mate and sex.
We also have a highly advanced emotional brain that we
share with all mammal species. This makes us focused on
deeply connecting with others, helping them out as they
help us out, and devoting ourselves to taking care of our
young children. And then we have some super advanced
stuff going on in our neo-cortex that no one fully
understands yet. This sucker evaluates scenarios and acts
with higher order reasoning, ethics, and other abstract
concepts. It allows us to time travel to the future and
envision things that do not yet exist so that we can create
them. And it taps us into something so miraculous that we
experience self-awareness and consciousness.
 This combination is incredible and makes us a most
miraculous species. And at the same time, it can be quite
confusing, especially if you think you are just supposed to
think or feel only one particular way, that your mind is just
one singular entity rather than a collection of parts that can
vary greatly in their desires and intent. Once you realize
this, and start to accept and own your shadow, you become
more clear, and more relaxed with all parts of yourself. This
reduces guilt, fear and anxiety, and greatly increases your
power in all areas of life.
YOUR INNER DREAM TEAM: ID, EGO,
SUPEREGO
Alright. It’s time to get Freudian on yo ass. Back in the day,
Sigmund Freud spent large amounts of time speaking with
patients who would candidly reveal their deepest secrets,
desires, and impulses. It was during the Victorian era,
when there were especially strong societal pressures to
repress sexuality, vulgarity, aggression, and anything else
that was deemed lewd, crude, or otherwise uncivilized.
Freud discovered that while people followed the rules of
the society and outwardly seemed docile, pleasant,
chivalrous and civilized, inside they were full of all kinds of
desires and impulses. It appeared that each person had
what Freud referred to as the “Id.” This was a part of
people’s psyche that was made up of unrefined and
unfiltered instinctual impulses. This includes sexual
impulses and desires, and all forms of anger and
aggression, including rage, violence, the desire to
dominate, and the urge for revenge.
The Id is driven by what Freud called the “pleasure
principle.” It wants instant gratification and pleasure, and
it wants it now. The Id is not concerned with societal rules,
what others will think, and what the impacts of our actions
might be. It is raw feeling, desire, and impulse. And it’s
inside all of us. Yes, even you.
This is apparent if you’ve ever spent any amount of time
with a three-year-old child. He wants the cookie and he
wants it now. If he doesn’t get what he wants, he can feel
strong emotions of sadness, frustration, and anger. He gets
enraged. He has an urge to break or hit things. Look out
little siblings, a storm is coming. No patience, all pleasure.
Of course, the vast majority of humans are not running
around immediately gratifying their impulses, raping and
pillaging, and generally running amok in society. This is
where the Superego comes in. Your Superego is your
internal moral police force. It carries all the rules you’ve
learned about what it takes to be a good, moral, and
respectable person. It knows how you should be. Thou shalt
not hit, steal, hurt, take for yourself, disregard others, be
offensive, rude, etc.
When you feel guilty, that’s Superego at work. How could
you do that? That poor person. You just walked over them
and took advantage of them by being so direct and forceful
with your tone. Bad, bad, bad! When you have a million
things you “should” do, that’s your Superego doing its
thing.
Then, to mediate and manage the whole situation, enter
your Ego. This is the part of you that takes into account the
impulses of the Id and the commandments of the Superego
and tries to figure out how to operate in the world. This
part of you knows the reality of the world around you, that
you can get in trouble if you act out of line, and so he
restrains many of the Id’s impulses. He also knows that if
you only did what the Superego wanted and completely cut
off the Id that you would go insane or be utterly depressed
and miserable. So he brokers deals.
Id sees someone you’re attracted to and says, “Sex.
Now!” Superego sees the same situation and says, “Sex out
of wedlock is bad,” or “Wanting sex right away makes you
promiscuous and bad,” or “Sex without getting to know
someone first is hurtful and wrong” (depending on
whatever your unique conditioning has taught you). Ego
says, “How about we walk over, introduce ourselves, get to
know them and see what happens?”
As you walk towards them, you see an attractive,
charming person swoop in and start talking with them first.
Id says, “Kill them! Throw your drink on the floor and
scream!” Superego says, “Violence is bad and wrong, be
nice.” Ego says, “OK, showing any sign of anger or jealousy
will reduce your appeal in their eyes. Stay cool. Wait a few
minutes until they’re done talking and then move in.”
And on and on it goes. All day, every day. Your Ego is hard
at work, managing the wide disparity between your Id and
Superego.
So, what does this trip down Freudian lane have to do
with being less nice and more boldly yourself? It turns out
quite a bit. Because guess which of these three parts is the
biggest proponent of “nice”? That’s right, your Superego.
And most nice people are completely identified with their
Superego. They think they are that completely nice, loving,
generous, gentle, patient, serene, “good” person. Any
evidence that creeps into their awareness that shows they
might not be is threatening and met with strong internal
pressure to shape up, and get back to being good. As a
result, the Superego runs the show, attempting to
completely deny and eliminate the Id. After all, that’s what
a good person does, right? Overcomes her animal impulses
and acts like a good and moral person should?
In theory. That’s what we’re taught by well-meaning
parents, school, and religious communities. But it doesn’t
work in practice. It breaks down, and leads us to be
outwardly good and nice, and inwardly a mess. Inside we
are tense, anxious, upset, sad, depressed, irritable,
uncertain, full of doubt, and full of guilt.
Let’s be honest, it’s not really working. We need a new,
practical approach that works much better, leads to greater
ease, fulfillment, authenticity, and happiness. And don’t
worry, this new way actually makes you more free,
expressive, loving, generous, and all the other ways you’d
want to be as a “good” person in this world. It’s just a very
different path to get there.
 WELCOMING THE SHADOW
One of the biggest challenges most nice people face is the
intense internal pressure to be a nice person. Our
Superegos have completely taken over and our sense of
self, our identity, is that we are a nice guy or a nice girl. To
even consider that we might not really be as nice as we
think, or to have a desire to be less nice is morally
unacceptable and it’s offensive to even consider it. This is
why many people become defensive and upset when you
question the idea of being nice. It threatens the very core
of their personality and how they’ve organized their entire
lives.
Yet regardless of how much we deny it, or how upset we
get at someone for suggesting it, the reality remains that
we have an Id inside of us that is not so nice. True freedom
begins when we acknowledge this fact and stop making it
wrong, stop fighting it, and stop fighting with ourselves.
During my doctoral training at Stanford, I had an amazing
opportunity to work closely with Dr. David Burns, author of
Feeling Good and one of the world’s leading cognitive-
behavioral experts. I was involved in a small training group
that would meet weekly with him to learn, practice, and
master the skills of helping people change their beliefs and
experience greater freedom and joy. One of the best parts
about this training was that David insisted that the most
effective way to learn was on real challenges that we were
having, not abstract or made up role plays. I am deeply
grateful for the insights and growth I experienced in those
meetings.
On one evening a colleague of mine, Jeff, was discussing a
challenge he was having in his workplace. He was in the
advanced stages of his training as a psychiatrist and was
completing his residency. There was a fellowship position
opening up in the very same department he was working,
and he was excited about getting the highly sought after
and coveted position. However, there were two other
residents he was working with at the time who were just as
eager to get the position. They had all worked together
collaboratively for the last several years, supporting and
encouraging each other. He considered them not just
colleagues, but also friends. Now he was having feelings of
comparison, judgment, and competition. He wanted that
position and he didn’t want them to have it. And he felt
guilty and ashamed about this.
As he should, right? What a competitive, selfish, greedy
jerk! He should be wishing for the best for his colleagues,
not secretly hoping they fail and he succeed, right? So says
the Superego. Both his and mine, and maybe yours too. But
I witnessed something powerful and life changing that
evening. David didn’t use any techniques to help Jacob
reduce his competitiveness, comparisons, or judgments of
the other residents. He didn’t try to help Jeff be a “better”
person at all. In fact, he did just the opposite. He fully
owned and expressed the part of Jeff that was competitive,
insecure, and looking to get ahead. He fully played the
shadow and let it out into the room.
At one point, they did a role-play where David played an
unabashed, completely honest version of Jeff—someone
who wasn’t trying to hide or pretend he didn’t have a
shadow. Jeff himself played one of his fellow residents who
found out what Jeff was actually thinking and feeling.
JEFF: Wow, you want that position so bad. I had no idea
you were so selfish and competitive.
DAVID: Ha, yeah, it’s true. I really want that position.
JEFF: Yeah, so do we. But we still care about each other.
You obviously just care about yourself.
DAVID: I wouldn’t say I don’t care about you guys at all.
Just in the case of this fellowship, I would prefer that I have
it, instead of you.
JEFF: That’s so selfish of you.
DAVID: You don’t know the half of it! That’s just the tip of
the iceberg of all the ways I can want things for myself.
JEFF: That makes you a bad friend.
DAVID: I know I’m not perfect, and I’m sure there are
ways I can improve as a friend. But I don’t think applying
for a highly desired position and rooting for myself to get it
makes me bad.
This is owning your shadow. David didn’t run from it at
all. He didn’t deny it, downplay it, or try to convince anyone
that he was a “good guy” who didn’t have these feelings.
He just owned it. The powerful result of this is it allows us
to be secure and self-assured. It makes us less afraid of
what others will think and much less susceptible to their
judgments. Because of that it’s a kind of superpower, and it
comes from being willing to acknowledge and accept the
unsightly, undesirable, and “unacceptable” parts of
yourself.
HELLO SHADOW, MY OLD FRIEND
In order to free ourselves of excessive guilt, fear of others’
judgments, and other confining nice person struggles, we
must become familiar with our own shadow. We must stop
the denial and the pretense that we are just the sweet, not
the sour, just the peaceful and never the pissed. When we
deny and hide the truth from others, we feel like an
imposter, a fraud, and have a deep fear of being discovered
for “who we really are.” The more we hide the truth from
ourselves, the more guilty, anxious, and even physically
injured we become.
As always, the way out is tough. We must turn towards
our shadow and welcome it into our awareness. We need to
stop forcibly keeping it down in the basement with our ears
plugged, eyes closed, and TV blaring to drown out the
noise.
There is an old The Simpsons Halloween episode where
Bart Simpson has a twin brother named Hugo. Hugo is a
deformed and monstrous-looking creature, so Homer and
Marge decide to keep him hidden in the basement and feed
him fish heads. This makes Hugo grow deranged and
savage over time. After wacky antics ensue, the episode
ends with the Simpsons welcoming Hugo into their dining
room where he can eat with them (although they still feed
him fish heads).
That’s what you need to do. No, not the fish head part!
That was for entertainment purposes only. The stop
keeping your shadow in the basement and welcome him or
her to the table part. How do we do this? And, perhaps
you’re still wondering, do I really have to? Why would I
want to dig around and see all the ways I’m not as good as
I thought I was? That sounds uncomfortable, demoralizing,
and unproductive.
First off, avoiding your shadow creates a host of problems
in your life, ranging from anxiety to depression, to physical
pain and injury. This is because it takes a great deal of
energy to keep something down and out of awareness. The
more we avoid it, the more scared of it we become. We see
it as threatening and dangerous—to our relationships, and
even to our sense of self (i.e. I’m a “good person” who
doesn’t feel angry).
As we become more scared of it, our mind needs to create
more and more intense distractions to keep us from
focusing on our shadow. We can feel anxious about an
endless array of things in our lives, ruminate about
relationships, or develop panic about something bad
happening to our health in the future. We can attack
ourselves in our heads, focus on all our flaws, and imagine
a dismal future, creating a depression. Or we can wake up
each morning with a stiff neck and low back, even though
we didn’t do anything strenuous the day before. These are
just a few of the thousands of ways that a repressed
shadow can manifest in our lives.
And, as you’ll see in just a few pages, your shadow is not
a bad thing. Actually, befriending it gives you greater self-
control and radically increases your self-esteem. It turns
out your shadow is your greatest source of power, as it is
raw life energy itself. Trust me, it’s worth it.
I’d suggest taking some time away from other people,
your phone, your TV, or any other distractions. Get a pen
and a journal, or perhaps go for a long walk. As you do,
become curious about the parts of yourself that you may
have pushed down into the basement long ago. Think about
the young child inside of you, your inner three your old,
your Id. Remember, this part of you is driven by wanting
immediate pleasure, dislikes responsibility, and wants to be
taken care of. It hates all the adult responsibilities of
relationships, children, work, and other aspects of life. It
just wants total freedom and instant gratification. It wants
whatever it wants, and it wants it now. And if it can’t have
it right away, it gets enraged. It doesn’t really care so much
about others, all their needs, being a good parent, or
partner, or boss. It doesn’t care about any of that stuff. It
wants to play, to have fun, do whatever it wants, and to do
it right now.
As you inquire into this during your journal or walk, give
yourself complete permission to allow whatever you
discover to just be there. Set aside the Superego’s
judgment of how terrible and dangerous this part is. Notice
if you clench down, get tense or tight, or otherwise try to
shut down your awareness. Making conscious contact with
our Id can freak out our Superego, who does not want that
little devil pushing you off the righteous path of perfect
goodness. But the Id only becomes dangerous if it is left
unchecked and takes complete control over someone,
which only happens when it’s been pushed out of conscious
awareness for too long. Don’t worry, the paradoxical truth
is the more aware you become of your shadow, the less
power it has to control you. Let yourself see clearly with an
attitude of openness and curiosity. Ask your Id questions
and listen to its responses. What fascinating creatures we
humans are!
TOP 10 THINGS OFTEN LURKING IN
OUR SHADOWS
1. Frustration, anger, or resentment with people closest to you (partner, kids,
parents, etc.)
2. Anger and judgmental thoughts about friends, colleagues, boss, customers,
and clients.
3. Sexual desire of strangers, friends’ partners, and other people you
“shouldn’t desire.”
4. Sexual feelings and desires you or others might deem strange, bad, or
inappropriate (use of pornography, fetishes, bondage, etc.).
5. Dissatisfaction with big life situations (your job, being a parent, your
spouse, your city, etc.).
6. Grief, sadness, and pain of loss (both recent losses and all the way back to
your childhood).
7. Deep uncertainty or doubt, including self-doubt, doubt of God, doubt of
purpose, doubt of any meaning in life.
8. Strong sensitivity to people’s comments, feeling deeply hurt and sometimes
secretly enraged by them.
9. Desire for and fantasies about vengeance, retaliation, getting back at
someone, or hurting someone.
10. Desires and impulses for physical violence (hitting, attacking, killing).
Rage Ball
Most people repress feelings of anger. Whether it’s the
irritation we feel with our boss, or our child as he pours
milk all over the counter, daily life is full of small irritations
that we need to suppress our reactions to. In addition,
there’s all the demands and pressures of our lives: showing
up to work each day, handling projects, dealing with
coworkers and customers, being a parent, paying your bills,
making healthy food choices, fixing things and solving
problems, and on and on. Being a responsible adult in this
world involves many demands on your time and energy.
This too produces anger. Remember, that Id in there wants
fun and pleasure now. She doesn’t want to sit in that two-
hour meeting where you have to force yourself to stay
awake and look alert as your boss tells another extended
story about his past glorious escapades as a salesman for
some company that no longer exists.
And these are just the external pressures. We also have all
the internal pressures to contend with as well. The
pressures from our Superego to be good, to be nice, to be
giving, to be loving, to be generous, to forgive, to put
others first, to do a perfect job, to not slack off, to give it
our all and do our best all the time on everything, to do
better at work, earn more money, spend less and save
more, eat better, cook more at home, work out more, get in
better shape and look better naked, be funnier, more
outgoing, have more friends, not drink so much, not eat
sugar, and for heaven’s sake, just be better than you are
right now!
What do you think all that pressure does to your little Id?
Makes him as big as the Hulk. Each of those demands
enrages your Id, it’s the complete opposite of everything he
wants. And the more pressure we pile on, the more he
tantrums inside of us, the more enraged he becomes.
Even if we aren’t aware of it, this buildup is happening
inside. Consciously we put on our best smile and try to
push through the day, being a good person. Sure, we may
be aware of some annoyance or irritation at a coworker, or
someone in traffic, but we handle things well. This is the
image of the Superego, the image we want to portray to the
world, and to convince ourselves of. But it’s just not true.
If you are in physical pain, you’re not “handling
everything fine.” If your low back hurts on and off for
years, if you have plantar fasciitis and foot and ankle
problems, if your neck and shoulders always hurt, if your
jaw is tense and you grind your teeth at night, if your old
knee acts up, or your stomach is acting funny again...
you’re not handling it well. If you feel anxious in the
morning, stressed and irritated during the day, and
depressed and negative about your life and don’t know why
because you have so much and you “should be happy,” then
you’re not handling everything fine. If you compulsively
check your email, your phone, stats online, social media
feeds, the news, anything to absorb your focus, then you’re
not handling it fine.
You’re agitated, uncomfortable, and hurting inside, and
you need to face it. But don’t worry, it’s not all those
dramatic thoughts that you might scare yourself with
sometimes. Thoughts like: I must be depressed and have
something wrong with my brain; life is just hard and
everyone is miserable; I’ll never really be happy again.
These are all just another form of avoidance, albeit a
scarier and absorbing one.
What you need to do is acknowledge your shadow and
start paying attention to these feelings. You need to carve
out time each day to go for a walk, or to write in a journal.
You need to pay attention to your shadow and your Id, and
to listen instead of pushing it further down. You need to
finally own this part of you, so you can truly feel more alive,
happy, and free.
CRAWLING SKIN
Just the other day I was writing in my shadow journal,
which is something you’ll learn about soon. I keep mine in a
locked file on my computer so no one will ever read it.
Heck, I don’t even go back and read it. It’s just a place for
me to express everything inside of me that needs to get
out. It’s not meant to be pretty, read well, or make a point.
It’s full of typos and fragments.
It had been several weeks since I’d last written in the
journal, and I was noticing pain in my shoulder and foot
over the last few days. My mind, of course, dove at the
chance to say I’d been running too much and working out
in the gym. That’s why I’d “injured” myself. Spontaneously,
for no reason. But I know better by now, so I went digging
around in my shadow to see what I was upset, hurting, sad,
or angry about.
Sure enough, just below the surface was all kinds of
messy stuff. Part of me was angry with my kids, my wife,
my work, and my life. So, I let it speak and share whatever
it wanted. This part of me was enraged when my one-year-
old son, Arman, screams and screeches. He is in a phase
where he expresses himself through screeches. Wanting
more food, attention, or a nearby ball. It all requires an ear-
piercing screech. While I generally handle it with patience
outwardly, inwardly my Id was not happy about it. He
wanted me to yell at Arman, and scream back in his face to
make him stop. That was sure uncomfortable to imagine.
He went on to tell me how he didn’t like how demanding
the breakfast routine was, how much he hated taking care
of the kids and being a parent in general. He hated all the
responsibility, all the work, and the lack of time to do
pleasurable activities.
 This, of course, is the toned down version for you. When it
came out in the journal it was full of misspelled run-on
rants and expletives. It was not something I would want to
show my wife or kids, or anyone really. But that’s not the
point. The point is to show myself. To acknowledge that
part and meet him with patience, acceptance, curiosity, and
love. To hear him out.
And, it sometimes makes my skin crawl. That’s why we
avoid it and hide in our distractions, anxiety, and physical
pain. Because this stuff can be confusing and unsettling.
It’s uncomfortable to see how much anger is in there, and
how enraged that part can be. It’s confusing to witness
those feelings while at the same time loving my children so
deeply that I cry many times a week with amazement and
heart-aching sweetness. Fortunately, we don’t need to
make all parts of us agree or think and feel the same. We
just need to hear them out.
Later that day, when the boys were sleeping I was able to
have a conversation with Candace about it. I told her about
my challenges of parenting, my fears of life being all about
responsibility and no fun, and how this part of me really
hates it. Since she’s aware of shadow parts and does this
kind of work herself, we were able to have a liberating
conversation. No need to fix him, make him go away, or
even change anything in our lives. He just needed to be
heard and released.
After journaling that morning and talking with Candace
that afternoon, my mood dramatically improved. I felt
patient, warm, and loving with my kids. Smashing that
shadow out of sight and keeping him down drains a ton of
energy. Letting it up and out raised my energy level
significantly and I was more playful, engaged, creative, and
fun.
 This last part always amazes me, no matter how many
times I do it. I can go for a thirty-minute walk and feel a ton
of dislike, discontent, anger, rage, pettiness, jealousy,
greed, lust, envy, hatred, and all the rest. Afterwards,
instead of feeling down, negative, and unhappy, I feel light,
refreshed, energized, and surprisingly peaceful and alert.
In fact, many forms of counseling and healing therapies are
effective for curing anxiety and depression because they
provide a safe space for someone to examine, explore, and
express all of these kinds of feelings.
This reminds me again and again that suppressing anger,
forcing smiles, and feigned happiness do not actually bring
us what we seek. It’s actually our fear of anger, our shadow,
and other negative feelings that keeps us trapped in pain
and suffering. As always, the way out is through.
 HARNESSING THE POWER
OF YOUR SHADOW
Owning your shadow will profoundly serve you in several
ways. First, as I described just moments ago, it can help
you feel lighter, happier, and more energized. It can
dramatically reduce and eliminate a wide variety of chronic
forms of physical pain. It provides you with a surge of
vitality, passion, purpose, and creativity.
Owning your shadow can also dramatically reduce the
amount of guilt you feel on a daily basis. Most nice people I
know are carrying heavy backpacks of guilt on their
shoulders that they add to frequently. They are constantly
feeling bad about themselves, responsible for others, and
losing the battle against the inner voice that tells them
they’re a bad person. Much of this guilt comes from being
identified with the Superego and thinking that anything
that comes from your Id is bad. Guilt is the Superego’s
primary weapon against the Id. When you release the
battle with your shadow, you will release your guilt, and
your sense of happiness and joy will magnify dramatically.
Finally, as you own your shadow more, you will become
more powerful because this shadow is a major part of your
life force energy. It’s your primal desire. It’s one of your
major sources of fuel. Anger, aggression, and sexual
energy. These are the deepest and most ingrained
motivators in all species on earth. When we disconnect
from our shadow, we disconnect from this source of energy
and we lose our power.
We can’t stand up for ourselves, aren’t seen as sexually
desirable by potential partners, and are generally
overlooked in life. Others speak over us, dominate us, mock
us, and make us feel small. They demand more, take it
ungratefully, and then demand even more. And we keep
doing it. We keep giving, we keep pleasing, we keep smiling
because we’ve cut ourselves off from our own shadow, from
our own power, from the very thing that can save us.
That’s why you must own your shadow. You can think of
those raw energies of desire, anger, aggression, and sexual
impulse as the raw materials you might use to run a power
plant. Your shadow is like the coal, the raging river, the
natural gas, the nuclear reaction, or the bright heat of the
sun. All of those forces are immense and can instantly
destroy you if you let them take over. But when you harness
them, you can use them to generate targeted, effective
forms of power.
This is essential to understand as we move towards one of
the core pillars of Anti-Niceness and topics of this book:
how to speak up for yourself. Doing so requires energy; it
requires power. And that power is going to come directly
from your shadow.
For example, if you don’t speak up in meetings, are
ignored by senior management, and colleagues talk over
you when you try to share your ideas, then you need to
speak up for yourself. You need power to do so. And that
power is going to start deep in your core as anger and
aggression. It’s going to be your Id saying: What the f**k?
How dare you talk to me that way? How dare you talk over
me? Shut the f**k up, Gary! I’ll kill you! Of course, you don’t
actually kill Gary. Instead, this energy passes through a
network of tubes and hoses inside of your body and mind
and comes out as assertiveness: “Hold on a second, Gary,
I’m not done. Let me finish my point.”
Your tone as you say this is calm, yet firm and
commanding. There is a power behind it that gives you an
authority makes people pause and listen to you, and much
more likely to heed your request. If speaking up is
something you struggle to do–if you often desire or intend
to but fear prevents you from doing so–you may be
disconnected from your full power from years. If on
occasion you do speak up for yourself, and you are
overlooked, ignored, or bowled over after doing so, it may
be time to harness the power of your shadow.
HOW TO HARNESS THE POWER
“You don’t know the power of the dark side.”
- Darth Vader
Don’t worry, we’re not going to turn you into Darth Vader,
or the twisted evil Emperor Palpatine from the original Star
Wars movies. There’s a common misconception that
acknowledging our shadow, or giving attention to it, will
make it grow stronger. This is a fundamental premise in
several dominant religious schools of thought. If you listen
to the devil, it will seduce you into making bad or evil
choices. Or, in the modern day positive thought or law of
attraction movements, people say, “Don’t focus on the
negative stuff. That will just bring more negativity into your
life, man.”
While there is truth in these philosophies, and we can use
them to better ourselves and our life circumstances, they
are also missing a fundamental quality of human nature.
That which we repress doesn’t grow weaker, it grows
stronger. If you had a dog that barked loudly or sometimes
growled at people and you decided to solve the problem by
putting the dog down into the basement and locking him in
there for days or weeks, would that make him calmer and
tamer? Probably not.
Once something is pushed out of awareness it “goes
rogue” and just starts operating beneath our conscious
attention. The further down it gets pushed and the longer
it’s repressed, the more intense, and sometimes twisted it
becomes. This is where you get the unfortunately well-
known example of the pious priest who only represents
goodness and purity, but turns out to be molesting children.
He has so disconnected from his sexuality, has pushed it so
far down into the shadow, that it starts to become twisted
and grows in power until it can take over.
A less intense example that we can all relate to is that of
how we eat. Let’s say you have a certain food that you don’t
want to eat because you know it’s not the best for your
health, but man it sure tastes good to you. Pizza, chips,
french fries, soda, candy, those croissants from that French
bakery down the street, whatever. One day you missed your
lunch and the drumbeat pulling you towards those fries got
so loud and persistent that you couldn’t resist. The urge
overtook you and you pull up to the drive through window
to order your guilty pleasure.
Notice that phrase. Guilty pleasure. Guess what keeps
that whole pattern going? The guilty part. Because even as
you order the fries, part of you (your Superego) begins its
moralizing rant. It might not be strong enough to get you to
change your course of action. I mean, I’ve already ordered
them… But it sure might take away some of your pleasure.
And then afterwards it begins in earnest. What’s wrong with
you? You have no willpower. You are fat and disgusting. You
are going to gain weight and get fat again. If people knew
how weak you were they’d think you’re pathetic. And on
and on.
This is your Superego trying to teach you a lesson to
make sure you don’t let your Id take over again. It’s using
the “punish and lecture” approach that we all learned
growing up, which never really worked though, did it? It
attempts to smash the shadow by berating it and you for
listening to it. It attempts to deny those impulses and push
them deep down into the basement.
And then guess what you’re doing five days later after you
miss your lunch again? French fry city.
We need a better way. We need to align with ourselves
and tap into the power of our shadow. Because our shadow
is nothing more than raw, instinctual, primal impulses and
desires. These include sex, hunger, desire, anger, and
passion. When we are connected to these, we are
connected to the primal source of life, the engine that
drives everything else.
How do we tap into and harness this power? We do this
by taking the time to actually listen to that part of
ourselves. To give it our full attention and meet it with
curiosity. Here are my two favorite ways, that I alluded to
earlier in this chapter.
Shadow Journal
Find a private and secure place where you can feel safe to
write out anything and everything that comes to your mind.
This is not the kind of journal you are going to flip back
through, awakening enchanting memories of past meals
and experiences. This is more like vomiting onto a page.
The sense of privacy and security is important, because if
some part of your mind knows that someone, sometime,
somewhere could read what you are writing, you will most
likely inhibit yourself. This hinders the journal’s
effectiveness. You want to feel completely free to write out
anything, without any concern that it will ever be read or
judged.
You can do this by keeping the journal as a locked file in
your computer that requires a password to open. Or you
could type it out in a document, and then simply select all
the text and erase it when you are done. If you prefer pen
to paper, you can just be sure to keep your journal in a
drawer, or somewhere it is unlikely someone will find it.
Once you have that figured out, it’s time to start writing. I
suggest fifteen to twenty minutes per session. If you get
into it and want to continue, that’s great. In those twenty
minutes, your goal is simply to write freely, quickly, and
uninhibitedly from the shadow parts of your mind and
heart.
At first, much of this is unconscious. We are not even
aware that we’re angry, or resentful, or sad, or sexually
frustrated. Just reading this chapter may have opened up
more of your awareness, and writing in a Shadow Journal
will continue that process. The key is to start with what you
are aware of.
The easiest way to get writing is to begin by discussing
your feelings from the day. What happened that was
exciting or challenging? How do you feel about the events
that occurred, and the people you interacted with? As you
let this flow, you can begin to ask yourself questions about
your current circumstances in general:
• What is upsetting to you in your life?
• What pressures do you feel?
• What demands do others place on you?
• What demands do you place on yourself?
• What irritates or frustrates you?
Starting with these kinds of questions can help you access
your repressed feelings.
It also helps to remember that your shadow is mostly
made up of your Id–the impulse-driven, immature,
irrational, pleasure-seeking child inside of you. This part
wants pleasure, wants it now, and hates not getting his or
her way. He wants to be taken care of, and have all
discomforts and problems taken away. She wants to be
admired, praised, and seen as special. He may have
fantasies of revenge, glory, or sexual conquest. She may be
judgmental, petty, and highly critical of others. When you
sit down to write, think about your life from this part’s
perspective. What might your Id be pissed off about?
This kind of journaling can be an uncomfortable and
humbling process. You start to see just how immature and
irrational a part of you can be. This awareness, and the
discomfort that it brings up, is the main reason most people
will never look inward in this way, and never do a journal
like this. And, unfortunately, most people remain stuck,
frustrated, dissatisfied, people-pleasing, anxious, unhappy,
and never reach their dreams and true potential. Let’s not
be like most people in that way.
Once you get into it, you just might find that this journal
becomes relieving, helpful, and liberating. I personally have
found that writing in this way greatly reduces stress,
improves my mood, makes me more relaxed, loving,
generous, and playful. All the energy that had gone into
suppressing my shadow is now liberated and I have more
vitality.
This is one of my go-to self-care routines whenever I am
feeling stressed, overwhelmed, frustrated, or impatient. I
am sure to do this daily when I notice myself feeling
physically sick, or if physical pain or an old injury “acts up”
out of nowhere. No, I didn’t sleep on my neck wrong. I’m
pissed off and I need to express it and release it.
I suggest you simply begin experimenting with it to get a
feel for your style. Type or write quickly and do not
overthink what you are writing. Let it be full of typos and
misspellings. Do not go back to fix them or review what you
have written. Remember, this is simply about expressing
these parts of yourself, not making sure it’s legible or looks
pretty.
In fact, the uglier you can make this, the more effective it
will be. Let it be a safe container for you to feel and express
anything. Anything. Cursing, raging, nasty comments,
hateful words and sentiments, all the things you want to
say but never would dare to out loud. Here is the place.
Rage Walk
Get suited up, it’s time to go for a walk. No headphones, no
audiobooks, no cell phone, no distractions. Simply set out
for 20 minutes, or more, and be with yourself. This activity
is similar to the Shadow Journal without the writing. You
can ask yourself the same kind of prompting questions and
focus on the frustrations of your Id.
As you walk and focus on these things, let yourself fully
feel the agitation and frustration inside of you. Let yourself
feel raw anger and rage. Ideally you are taking this walk
down empty suburban streets or around a park–somewhere
there aren’t too many people around. Then, talk out loud.
Speak some of your frustrations, angers, and resentments.
If there are people nearby, you can always say these things
under your breath.
When I do this, I walk quickly, let myself feel, and mutter
quite a bit. I also let my face express the feelings I am
having; I’ll grit my teeth, furrow my brow, and flare my
nose. I let myself curse, and rage at all those people and
situations in my life that enrage me. Sure, I may look
insane, but who cares? I’m not doing this walking down 5th
Avenue in New York City. This is a side street in suburban
Portland, very few people are around, no one notices, and
no one cares.
It also helps to breathe deeply as you feel the anger and
other emotions. Deep, full breaths in and out. Fill your belly
and chest with air. I also like to take the fingers of my
dominant hand and gently tap on my chest. This, combined
with the breathing, helps to move large amounts of anger
and other emotions quickly.
Much like the journaling, after doing one of these walks I
feel clearer, lighter, and refreshed. I am more resourceful
in addressing my challenges and problems, and in dealing
with people that may be frustrating or taxing.
THE BENEFITS
As you become aware of your shadow, stop rejecting it, and
welcome it in without judgment, some amazing things will
happen. You will start to feel lighter, more energized, and
freer. That oppressive sense of badness, shame, and guilt
will begin to lift, and you just might start liking and loving
yourself.
This shift occurs because you’ve started to really pay
attention, in a curious and non-judgmental way, to a part of
yourself that desperately needs your attention. Instead of
being at odds with yourself, running from and suppressing
parts of you, you’re becoming self-aware.
In addition, you start to become OK with who you are, and
less concerned with what others will think. The things
we’re most afraid others will judge us for—pettiness, anger,
jealousy, insensitivity, greed, sexual desires, and all the rest
—we accept. We won’t have to vehemently deny or defend
the reality that part of us is sometimes selfish, or angry, or
greedy. It stops being such a big deal. We become more at
peace with all aspects of ourselves. And you will begin to
see just how powerful you really are.
As this raw power grows, you will become ready to use it
to boldly and unapologetically speak up for yourself.
Socially, in your relationship, and at work, you will start to
say what you think, ask for what you want, and speak your
truth. You will say what needs to be said, even if it’s
uncomfortable. And as you do this, your entire world will
transform.
 CHAPTER 9:

SPEAK UP
“I don’t want to be one of those spineless people.”
- B.B.
Finally! The chapter about how to speak up for myself. Took
long enough to get here, geez.
I know, this may have been the very reason you picked up
this book. Perhaps you want to speak more freely around
others, share your ideas more clearly at work and in
meetings, challenge people who try to shut you down,
assert yourself with your in-laws, tell your accountant when
you have a problem with their work, or respond to your
partner when he says something critical. There may be
dozens of places in your life in which you are tired of
holding back, being silent, playing nice, getting looked
over, ignored, disrespected, pushed around, and otherwise
“doormatted.”
Trust me, you’re in the right place. In this chapter, I’ll
deliver. You’re going to learn how to unlock the cage that
stops you from speaking up, and how to access your power
and voice so you can freely share what you want in any
situation. You’ll also learn specific strategies on exactly
how to speak up in different situations, including examples
of what to say, and how to say it. We’ll go into detail on how
to speak up in the four key areas of life: sharing freely
socially, speaking up at work, how to handle disagreements
and other difficult conversations, and asking for what you
want. In addition, you’ll discover practical exercises to
strengthen your assertive tone, speak with more certainty
so you can influence others, and come across as a powerful
authority, no matter what topic you are speaking about.
There’s a reason why this chapter is this far into the book.
It’s because speaking up for yourself is only 10% strategy.
Like almost everything in life, your success in this area is
based on your inner game, which accounts for 90%. In fact,
you can know exactly what to say, have it all planned out
intellectually, but then in the moment, hesitate, hold back,
and stay silent. Or say it in such a soft, tentative, and
hesitant manner that no one takes you seriously.
Can you relate? Has this happened to you? This was a
regular occurrence for me. I’d know what I wanted to say,
and even how I should say it. Whether it was speaking up in
a group or asking a woman out, I’d have it all mapped out
in my head. But then, in the moment of action, the moment
of truth, I’d hesitate, pull back, and say nothing. It was so
frustrating and I often felt confused and stuck. I thought it
was all about the “what.” What do I say? I need to know
what to say. I need to know the phrase for being assertive,
how to interrupt people, and the “pickup line.”
But the truth is, the “what” to say is very easy and can
actually be quite varied. There are a million ways to do it.
The inner strength, courage, boldness, and willingness to
take a risk–that is what determines our ability to speak up
more than anything else.
If we’re living in a world where we think we should be
pleasing and nice, we should take on responsibility for the
feelings of others, we should only feel loving and never
angry, then we’re lost before we begin. We’ll never be able
to speak up. Because doing so will break our internal rules
and leave us feeling anxious, guilty, and ashamed. We’ll feel
like a bad person who is unworthy of love and belonging,
which is a pretty intense form of pain. And so, despite our
desires to be bold, get results, be authentic, have great
relationships, and create the life we want, we won’t speak
up and go after what we want.
However, now that you’re shedding all those layers of
nice-person programming, and liberating yourself so you
can show up as your authentic self, you’re ready to start
speaking up.
To do this, we’re going to uncover the reasons you’re
holding back, and help you upgrade your model of
relationships so you have more permission to freely be you.
Then we’ll dive into how to be assertive in general, and in
specific situations such as meetings, in romantic
relationships with your partner, and when interrupting
others. We’ll also cover an extremely important topic,
which is how to ask for what you want, and how to do so
without feeling bad or guilty.
Are you ready? I’m excited. As you study this chapter, and
apply what you learn, your life will never be the same
again.
 THE PEACEMAKER
If you’ve noticed that you have a pattern of hesitating,
holding back, and not speaking up for yourself as much as
you’d like, there’s probably a reason for it. No, it’s not what
your inner critic says. You’re not “weak, spineless, messed
up, broken” or whatever other garbage stories you’ve told
yourself. The real reason is that it probably made sense for
you to act that way at some point in your life.
Most people who are nice were the peacemakers of their
family. They weren’t the loud, defiant, confrontational ones.
On the contrary, they were the ones who hated that discord
and found ways to minimize it as much as possible. When
very young, this may have just involved holding back and
not sharing needs, or not asking for as much to avoid being
too demanding or putting too much pressure on others. As
we got older and more sophisticated, it may have included
talking with family members, trying to get others to
understand each other, and doing whatever was in our
power to keep peace and harmony in our families.
As an interesting side note, I’ve found with many nice
people I’ve worked with, that they often have a sibling who
is much more outspoken, direct, and naturally assertive.
Their sibling didn’t have to study how to be that way, learn
assertiveness techniques, or how to speak up for
themselves. It just came out of them. If anything, their
sibling could benefit from holding back sometimes!
Clients will often ask why this is the case. Why did I end
up this way, and my sibling was so different? Why did I have
to be the peacemaker? That’s a big question, and I’m sure a
million different experts have a million different opinions.
I’m not so sure having a story about the why would enable
you now to be more bold and free. But, to satisfy your
intellect (somewhat), I can share two very simple
explanations. These are very practical and not based on
deep academic theory, but simple observation.
WE ALL COME OUT DIFFERENT
First, we all come out different. As in, out of the womb.
Having two children myself, I am amazed at how different
they can be, starting at such a young age. This last
Christmas we spent time with my wife’s family in her
hometown out in the desert in Eastern Washington. At one
point, we drove to her grandfather’s house for a short visit.
We pulled up to the house, unloaded the crew out of their
car seats, and crunched across a thin layer of snow on their
lawn to the front door.
As we approached, some relative-in-law who I didn’t know
opened the door with an excited look on her face.
“Candace!” she said energetically.
As they hugged, we all bustled into the door. The house
had a great layout with a large living room joined to the
kitchen, creating a spacious, open feeling. This was a good
thing because there were about thirty people in the house.
Kids of all ages, uncles, aunts, grandparents. There was a
big TV in the living room blaring a Seattle Seahawks game
that was in the fourth quarter. There was a lot going on in
there.
Within ten minutes, my three-year son Zaim was in a
bedroom of the house, as far away from the noise and
chaos as possible. He wanted me to go in there and play
with him, away from all the commotion. If someone wanted
to talk with him, he’d be hesitant and wary. “I don’t know
you,” he’d say to them, before turning away.
After playing with him for a bit in the room, I convinced
him to come out with me to get a snack. As we walked into
the bustle of the living room, I saw my younger son, Arman
(or “Mani” as we call him) surrounded by a circle of adults,
kids, and onlookers. He was standing up, waving his arms
in the air, then falling back down. He had a huge smile on
this face. He was the center of attention and the life of the
party, and he loved it.
We all just come out differently.
Another key factor I’ve noticed is tolerance. To illustrate
this point, I’ll use a fun example we can all relate to. Have
you ever lived with a roommate or family member who had
a different cleanliness standard than you? Perhaps they had
no problem leaving a dish in the sink for a day or two. Or
maybe you were the messier one. Either way, let me ask
you this. Who did more of the cleaning? That’s right, the
one who could tolerate the mess less. Regardless of
conversations about the topic, requests, plans, chore grids,
or anything else, at the end of the day, the one who hated
seeing that nasty dish in the sink would eventually break
down and just clean it up. Because they hated seeing it in
there. (Guess which one I’d be…)
The same is true for conflict. Across the board, when I
speak about this topic with clients, they will all tell me how
much they hate that feeling of conflict. When someone is
upset with them, the sensations it generates in their
nervous systems are strong and unpleasant. It’s very hard
to just ignore them and go about their day as if nothing
were the matter. They have an overwhelming urge to make
the feelings go away by “fixing it” and making things right
(aka removing the other person’s upset).
While feeling tense and uncomfortable when there is
discord between you and others, especially someone close
to you, is natural, we all feel it differently. Nice people tend
to be more sensitive. We tend to feel things more strongly.
We might even hear sounds more loudly, be more sensitive
to smells, and our other senses. And we feel our emotions,
and the emotions of others more intensely. There is nothing
wrong with this, it’s just how we came into this world. Just
like there’s nothing wrong with Zaim for wanting to get
away from the noise and big energy and go somewhere
quiet.
I happen to be very sensitive, which is something I would
not admit for a long time. Because, as a man, is being
“sensitive” a desirable trait? Absolutely not. At least not in
my upbringing. When I was growing up, being sensitive
was weak and shameful, and made you worthy of ridicule.
So, I learned to hide and deny it. My wife has been
extremely helpful in letting me see this in myself, and the
beauty and strength in this quality. It helps me be more
present and loving with her, my children, and do the work
that I do in the world.
As you’re reading this, and reflecting on your own
experience, what are you seeing about yourself? Did you
hate conflict, tension, or discord in your family? Did you try
to stop it and make things better? And, most importantly,
are you able to have a bit more understanding and empathy
for yourself? Both then, and now?
Because we both know that you’re not stuck in any way.
Just because you’ve hated the feeling of tension and
avoided conflict in the past, doesn’t mean you’ll never be
able to tolerate those feelings and break through. In fact,
with all you’ve learned so far in this book, and the tools
you’ll discover in this chapter, your capacity to speak up for
yourself is going to transform. If, you go easy on yourself. If
you’re able to hold yourself with empathy, respect, and
compassion. Because if you’re beating yourself up, calling
yourself a spineless, overly-sensitive wimp who should “just
get over it,” then you won’t make it far. That won’t give you
the energy and power you need to expand, take risks, and
grow. So, in the spirit of love, self-compassion, and infinite
patience for yourself, let’s look at why you don’t speak up
now.
TOP 10 REASONS WE DON’T SPEAK
UP

1. I don’t want to offend people or hurt their feelings.

2. I don’t want to feel guilty afterwards.

I don’t want people to think I’m rude, mean, arrogant, pushy, or “an
3. asshole.”

4. I don’t want people to say yes because I made them.

5. I don’t want people to get angry and retaliate (directly or later on).

6. I don’t want to make things worse.

I don’t want to get flustered, show strong emotion, start crying, or

7. show they “got to me.”

I don’t want people to see me as needy, demanding, or “high

8. maintenance.”

I don’t want people to judge me (for how I’m feeling, what I think, or
what I want).
9.

10. Ilose
don’t want to do it wrong, lose my train of thought, look stupid, or
others’ respect.
THE THREE MODES OF
COMMUNICATION
Which of these reasons resonate with you? Which two or
three are the ones that hold you back most? Can you think
of any others that are not on this list that keep you from
speaking up?
Regardless of which particular ones influence you most,
they all lead to the same result: staying silent. This puts
you into the first major category of communication:
passive.
Passive Pants
Being passive is really your only option if you don't want
any of the feared outcomes listed in the chart above. If
you've been taught, or convinced yourself, that speaking up
is high risk with many possible negative outcomes, you will
avoid doing so.
This forces you into the passive stance. In this mode of
communication, you don’t speak up for yourself, say what
you like or dislike, or ask for what you want. But this poses
a dilemma, because you are a human animal with natural
desires and needs. So how do you attempt to meet these?
Why, passively of course.
This means we silently hope people will know what we
want and give it to us. We have internal hopes and silent
agreements such as: If I'm nice enough to you, then you'll
give me what I want, without me having to ask for it. If I
give you attention when you want it, then you'll give me the
same when I want it. I won't say I want attention, I'll just
imply it or suggest it and you'll pick up on the hint and give
it to me. So, goes the plan at least…
If we don't get what we want, or if someone does
something we don't like, we get angry. This anger remains
internal, however. Because to share it or show it leads to
painful or threatening outcomes, so we dare not do that. So
where does it go? Down into our bodies, messing with our
energy levels and overall mood. But it also comes out. It
has to. As humans, we must find a way to get what we want
and express ourselves, no matter how much we fear the
consequences.
The only way to express anger while in the passive mode
is indirectly. This way we can always deny that we were
angry. For example, we might let out a heavy sigh when
asked to do something. If the person asks us if something is
wrong we say, “no, I’m fine.” We might be more distant,
share less, be harder to get a hold of, or otherwise
withdraw from the relationship. Or we might make slightly
cutting comments or jokes that have an edge or sting to
them. Or we may say things that induce guilt in others,
subtly implying they’re taking too much, not appreciative,
or otherwise hurting us.
When asked or confronted about any of this, we simply
deny it. And for many people who are rooted in the passive
mode, they might not even be aware they are doing it.
This kind of behavior has been labeled “passive-
aggressive” and has a negative connotation in our culture.
No one wants to be accused of behaving that way. But that
way of being is inevitable if we don't have permission to
speak up. Someone who's communicating anger passively
is not a bad person. They’re just scared. Actually, they’re
terrified. Terrified that if they were to freely share what
they think, directly ask for what they want, and reveal
themselves, that they will be harshly rejected, ridiculed,
abandoned, or some similar terrible consequence. This
creates an invisible prison that limits all interactions and is
a great source of suffering. I would know, since this was my
mode of choice for more than ten years.
The core mindset of the passive mode is this: Other
people's wants and needs matter more than my own.
Speaking up is dangerous and generally leads to bad
outcomes. It's best to be nice—extra nice—and then others
will give you what you want and life will flow your way.
Besides, I don't want to be one of those aggressive assholes
anyway.
Aggressive Asshole
The other side of the spectrum is to be aggressive. This is a
take-no-prisoners, no-holds-barred approach to
communication. The core mindset of the aggressive mode
is: In life, you figure out what you want and you just take it.
Don't let anyone stand in your way or treat you without the
respect you deserve. My needs matter, yours are
inconsequential.
Of course, most of us don't think of it this way when we’re
in the aggressive mode. Very few people consciously
identify as an “asshole.” Instead, we have a good rationale
for how we’re behaving.
This person didn't get that report back to me in time. My
kids were screaming too much. He showed up an hour later
than he said he would. I deserve this position more than
she does, I've worked harder to get here. Regardless of our
reasoning, we are in it to win it. We’re there to control the
situation and the outcome as much as possible. We say and
do what we need to, long term consequences be damned.
We berate our assistant for giving us the report late, yell
at our kids to make them shut up, tell our friend he's
always late and an inconsiderate jerk, and launch a
calculated campaign to smear the image of our colleague.
It's only fair. I deserve it. They didn't do it right. They should
have done this or that instead. My treatment of them is the
result of their poor actions. Or so our story goes.
It's rare for someone to spend their entire lives in just one
mode. Hence, many people who are predominantly passive
will hold all their anger and frustration inside, only to go
crazy-balls Hulk at a random time in their life. Often times
the aggression comes out most with family, children,
spouses, and other people who are unlikely to leave us (at
least right away). Passive with our boss, aggressive with
our kids, for example.
Some people do spend the majority of their time in the
aggressive mode of communication. It's unlikely they would
pick up this book, however. Most likely you are more
passive than you'd like to be in many situations and
sometimes blow up and act aggressively. And that's OK. It
doesn't mean you're a bad person. It means you're human,
and similar to the vast majority of people. As your self-
awareness grows, your courage increases, and your map of
relationships upgrades, you’ll find your way more and more
to the third mode of communication: assertiveness.
The Middle Way: Assertiveness
If passive is on the far left of the pendulum swing and
aggressive is on the far right, then assertiveness would be
in the middle. It combines the beneficial elements of both
the passive and aggressive modes of communication. The
core mindset of assertiveness is: My needs matter and so
do yours. Let’s have a clear discussion about what we both
want to see, what might work best for us both. Sometimes I
will choose what serves me, even if it upsets you. And
sometimes you will do something for yourself, even if I don’t
like it. That’s just how relationships work.
This realistic approach to communication requires that
we know what we want. Hence the focus earlier in this
book on helping you cultivate a habit of identifying what
you want in a given situation. Once we are aware of this,
we speak up to actively pursue our wants and needs. This is
similar in some ways to the aggressive mode of
communication. We know what we want and we go for it.
The major difference is we are more aware of others as we
do so. We want to know what they want, and we want to
see if we can create a win-win agreement. If that’s not
possible, and a decision we want to make generates
negative feelings in another, we want to hear the other
person and acknowledge their feelings.
This capacity to hear another’s perspective and be
influenced by it is similar to the passive mode. The
difference is when we’re assertive, we don’t instantly
change what we’re doing to please them. In fact, you might
decide to proceed, even though they’re upset. This is a key
area where assertiveness differs greatly from passivity.
When we’re passive, we don’t go after what we want in the
first place, let alone continue forward when someone wants
us to stop.
There is great power in the assertive mode of
communication. We can be more direct, more up front, and
clear. We reduce patterns of beating around the bush and
implying things, and instead simply say more of what we
really mean. This makes us much more effective
communicators. It also helps you get more of what you
want. And, surprisingly, it actually makes others like you
more.
This last insight is your key to liberating your voice so you
can speak up freely and powerfully in any situation that
matters. Most of us who lived in the passive mode learned
that this is the “best” way to be. This makes you a nice
person who is good and will be liked and loved by others
for that goodness. You have the distorted idea that to veer
off that path means you’re instantly an aggressive asshole
who is despicable and hurtful. The truth is there is a third
way that is respectful, increases your self-esteem, and
creates healthy, mutually rewarding relationships in your
personal and professional life.
In order to give yourself permission to step off the passive
path and fully dive into assertiveness, however, you’re
going to have to upgrade your map of relationships.
 UPGRADE YOUR MAP
It’s time to upgrade your map my friend. Like those old
globes that have the Soviet Union on them, yours might
portray things that no longer exist. The map I’m referring
to in this case is your internal map of relationships. Just
like a map of a city on your computer screen represents
some real place in the outer world, you have an internal
map that represents the terrain of relationships. It’s our
understanding of relationships: how they work, what things
mean, and what we predict will happen based on how we
behave.
For example, let’s say you’re driving somewhere new and
following the GPS directions on your phone. It is using a
map to guide you to your destination. When it says, “turn
left and your destination will be on the right,” most likely
you will turn left and your destination will be there on the
right, just like the robot hive-brain predicted (which will
most likely someday be our tyrannical overlord in a twist of
irony, but that’s a different story). This map accurately
predicted what will happen when you turn left, and so you
got to where you wanted to be.
When it comes to our internal map of relationships,
however, I’m afraid it’s often not so accurate. In fact, we
have dozens of errors in our map that guide us all over the
place, far from our destination. Our map might say: If I
express anger, others will find a way to hurt me, so we
avoid all actions that might lead to conflict or difficult
conversations. Or our map tells us: If I disappoint someone,
they’ll fire me, dump me, or leave me in some way. This
guides us towards people-pleasing, leaves us permanently
on edge, and makes us a nervous wreck anytime we think
someone might be let down.
 These kinds of directions steer you farther and farther
away from healthy, empowered relationships with others.
The more you follow this kind of map, the worse you feel–
trapped, powerless, anxious, resentful, in pain. These
feelings are usually not the destination we set out for in our
love lives, friendships, or business relationships.
Let’s discuss the mindset, beliefs, and map that actually
works for relationships. The map that empowers you and
others and creates a sense of freedom, autonomy,
cooperation, fun, and joy.
5 RELATIONSHIP TRUTHS
1. People Aren’t Fragile
Your old map might tell you that if you speak up, say what
you want, or share directly, you’ll hurt others, perhaps
deeply. But when you slow down and examine your fear of
how you’ll hurt others, you’ll discover how it holds you as
all-powerful and the other person as extremely fragile.
They just can’t handle it.
Do you see certain people in your life that way? Do you
imagine your honesty would crush them?
The truth is people are not fragile. They are strong,
powerful, and resilient. Most of us can endure so much
more than we realize, so much more than we’ve ever had
to. Humans survive extremely intense experiences and
brutal conditions, like slavery and prison camps. Humans
are fierce in their determination and will to survive, thrive,
and liberate themselves.
So, can Terry handle you telling her that she needs to get
that email to you once per day or you’re going to have to let
her go? Yes. Can your husband handle it if you start a
discussion with him about who does what chores in the
evening after the kids go to bed? Yes. Can your girlfriend
handle it if you tell her that you want to end your
relationship? Yes.
Others may not like these things. Heck, you might not like
these things. You don’t want to have the conversation
either. But you know the cost of not speaking up, so you’re
willing to do it anyway. And you know that people are not
porcelain dolls that will shatter if you speak the
truth. People are strong and can handle life. And when you
treat them that way, you’re treating them with the respect
and dignity they deserve.
2. Upset Is Temporary
One major roadblock that prevents people from being more
assertive or direct is the fear of upsetting others. This is
reasonable enough, because directly addressing a conflict
is more likely to result in upset than avoiding it and stuffing
it inside (at least in the short term). But it’s important to
remember that upset is temporary.
When you bring up a challenging topic, ask a difficult
question, or share something directly, the other person is
going to have feelings. That’s OK. That’s normal. That’s
good! We want to stop seeing feelings as bad, scary things
that shouldn’t occur. A healthy range of emotional
responses includes anger, upset, sadness, and many other
feelings.
Keep in mind, however, that the person you’re speaking
with is only upset now, in this moment. Time passes and
feelings shift. Nothing is permanent, especially in the
ethereal realm of human emotion. You can also remind
yourself that the upset is in service of creating a richer
relationship, deeper connection, a better professional
environment, etc.
Sometimes when my wife is upset about something and
we have a discussion about it, I’ll imagine she’s still upset
hours later. I’m studying her as she moves about the house,
reading deep into her nonverbal signs, interpreting body
language and voice tone, and continuing to conclude that
she’s angry. When I get out of my head and simply ask her,
I am surprised to hear her response, “Upset about that?
That was hours ago. I’ve let go already.”
The upset was temporary, but I was perceiving it as
permanent. I was keeping it alive and making it real in my
own mind, which impacted my feelings and nervous system.
How often are you imagining others are upset with you? Is
it once in a while, or do you do it all the time? Is it one of
your favorite pastimes?
It can be helpful to take a moment to slow down and
really see the truth about people and relationships. Upset
really is temporary. This can create relief and spaciousness
to be yourself and share more freely. Even if someone is
temporarily upset by what you say or do, it’s not
permanent.
If someone does get upset and then withdraws and turns
it into a permanent grudge or hatred of you... look out. That
is not someone you want in your life. They have a strong
need to feel certain and significant by making others bad
and wrong, and are unlikely to meet their needs in more
healthy, positive, growth-oriented ways. They’re probably
not the optimal person to be in any sort of relationship
with.
3. Truth Is Not Bad
If, in the past, you’ve lived a life of over-responsibility for
the feelings of others, then you’ve done everything you
could to avoid hurting them. This most likely included
withholding the truth. In fact, you may have concluded that
being honest is bad, it hurts others, and it’s better to keep
that inside and be nice. I mean, “if you don’t have anything
nice to say, don’t say anything at all,” right?
This is another aspect of our relationship map that we
need to update. Truth is not bad. It’s good. Honesty is what
connects us with others and creates deep, healthy, lasting
relationships in our personal and professional lives. If there
is a consistent pattern of withholding what’s actually true,
people begin to drift apart. They may stay in the situation
because they feel obligated to, or because leaving the
relationship seems too scary and difficult, or they’ve
worked that job for twenty years and don’t know what else
they’d do. But they won’t feel connected, engaged, and
fully alive. They won’t thrive.
The truth brings energy and vitality back into our
relationships. It breaks us out of certainty and
predictability and brings us into the realm of uncertainty,
where all energy and passion comes from. When we’re
being fully honest, we no longer know exactly what’s going
to happen next. We can feel nervous, excited, or terrified.
Yes, some of these feelings can be uncomfortable, but they
also tell us we’re alive!
We’re no longer trying to control the other person by
withholding information so they’ll stay near us. We’re no
longer playing life like a game of chess where you must
calculate seven moves out to avoid all pain. Instead, we’re
jumping in, being real, and fully living. It’s edgy and it’s
invigorating. I’m not sure what I’m going to say next, and I
have no idea how they will respond because I haven’t
shared this before...
If you make a habit of doing this, all of your relationships
will improve. People crave real connection and authentic
communication. Most of them are just too scared to initiate
it themselves. And yes, there is a way to be skillfully honest
and tactfully express ourselves when it comes to difficult
subjects. We’ll cover more about how to do that later in this
chapter. But the how comes second. First, we must fully
realize that the truth is not something to be avoided. That
is simply old, fearful, inaccurate thinking based on painful
moments we’ve had in the past, or messages we learned
growing up. It’s time to start sharing the truth–with
yourself and with others. Because the truth will set you...
4. Others Aren’t Victims
When you really get this one, and it just becomes part of
how you see others, your communication power and social
freedom skyrocket. It’s similar to the truth that people
aren’t fragile, but it goes further. This mindset says, not
only are people strong, they are the owner and creator of
their lives. They are the captain of their ship and the
master of their destiny. So am I, and so are you. Everyone
is, whether they recognize this or not. And many people,
unfortunately, do not recognize this and actually fight to
maintain the viewpoint that they are not the owner in their
life. They are, in fact, a victim of circumstance. Their
feelings, actions, and results, are all determined by forces
outside of themselves and outside of their control. Their
challenges, pain, and struggles are everyone else’s fault.
We discussed this earlier in the book: the importance of
not seeing others as victims of circumstance, even if they
see themselves that way. The key now is to upgrade your
map so you stop subconsciously assuming everyone’s a
victim who can’t handle things, blames others for
everything, and doesn’t take responsibility for their life.
You can decide right now that you are going to give
everyone the gift of seeing them as a powerful creator in
their lives. They have an infinite, untapped power and
potential to grow, break through challenges, and create the
life they want. They may or may not choose to do that, and
it’s not your job to make that happen for them.
As you see others in this light, the background fear, over-
responsibility, and excessive care-taking urges dissolve.
This allows you to create healthy, lasting relationships that
bring great value to your life and the lives of others.
5. Speaking Up in Itself Is Good
Just like the truth is good and serves relationships, so does
speaking up, in and of itself. Regardless of whether the
other person receives you well, agrees with you, or gives
you what you were hoping for, speaking up is good.
 When you speak up about something, you can get a sense
of closure. If you don’t, your mind has an unresolved,
unexpressed energy that drives you nuts. It can create pent
up feelings, resentment, and endless rumination about the
situation. But speaking up in the moment, or soon
afterwards, can dissipate all of that, even if you don’t reach
a perfect resolution and solve everything immediately.
Speaking up is about self-expression, and the more
you express yourself, the less bothered you’ll be
afterwards. I didn’t understand this truth for years. My
old relationship map guided me to keep quiet, hold back,
and not say anything that could be seen as angry or
defensive. So, I was pleasing in the moment, but I’d leave a
hot mess of pent up anger, resentment, frustration, hurt,
and confusion. I’d ruminate about conversations for days,
feeling more and more wound up.
Then I realized that if I’m really bothered after an
interaction, and it lasts for more than a few minutes, that’s
a sign of suppression. It means I held myself back, played
nice, and didn’t speak my mind. It’s a signal to speak up
more and, most likely, be less nice.
Once you internalize this belief, you will find way more
freedom to speak up. Instead of mentally grinding away for
hours on how to say something, or the “best way” to say it
so you do it right and get the result you want, you simply
share more in the moment. You are able to put your
perspective out there, disagree with others, and offer your
opinions. Because you know that if they get upset, it’s
temporary. They’re not fragile, and they’re not a victim.
Speaking the truth as you see it is healthy for the
relationship and brings energy and vitality, and speaking up
in itself is good, regardless of the outcome.
When you can do this, you are free. Free to speak up for
yourself, free to share who you are, and free to just be you.
And that freedom feels amazing. Let’s turn our attention
now to specifically how to do this in the most skillful,
effective way.
 HOW TO SPEAK UP
FOR YOURSELF
Until now we’ve been discussing speaking up in general
terms. Now, let’s get into the details, specifics, and how-tos
of actually doing it in the situations that matter most to you
in your life. Overall, there are four kinds of speaking up for
ourselves.
1. Sharing Freely Socially: This includes speaking your
mind, sharing about yourself and your life, asking what
you are really curious about, speaking up in groups, and
generally feeling empowered to throw in your two cents
in any social situation.
2. Speaking Up at Work: This includes speaking up in
settings like meetings, among colleagues and peers, with
potential clients and customers, or with supervisors,
bosses, executive members, and other “higher ups.” To be
able to clearly and directly ask key questions and share
your ideas so you can add value and make an impact.
3. Objections, Disagreement, & Other “Difficult
Conversations”: This can be in any relationship–
business or personal. It involves noticing when you don’t
like something, or are upset, and being able to clearly and
directly communicate this with the right person or people.
4. Asking for What You Want: This involves
approaching others and asking for what you want,
without shame or guilt. This can be in a work or business
setting, with family and friends, or with your spouse or
romantic partner.
As you read this list, which ones stand out to you? Is there
one area where you already feel free to speak up? Perhaps
you crush it at work and boldly share your ideas there, but
are extremely uncomfortable and restricted sharing
yourself when meeting new people, or out on a date. Or
maybe it’s the other way around. You’re great at asking for
what you want in your relationship, but you’re terrified to
speak up in a room of “senior management” and other
people who have more experience than you.
And, if you are thinking, man, I need to speak up in all of
these areas! Well then, you’re in the right place. Let’s dive
into each one with specific strategies and examples, to give
you a clear sense of how you can begin speaking up for
yourself in any situation, starting right now.
But before we do, I have to mention one extremely
important thing. If you don’t get this one distinction, your
progress towards speaking up for yourself will be slow or
nonexistent. How important is it? Super, duper important.
Are you ready to know what it is, so you can finally break
free and become the bold, expressive, unapologetic,
fulfilled person you’re meant to be?
You learn this by doing. You learn the skill of speaking
up for yourself, by practicing speaking up for
yourself. There is no other way.
Below you will find guidance, strategies, and examples.
Things you can do and put into practice today. But only if
you’re willing to step outside the familiar comfort zone and
actually do them. Reading about them, accumulating more
knowledge on the exact right way to do it, and all the rest,
will not set you free. Only action will.
Like all skills, if we’re new at it, we might not be
awesome at first. It might be a little clunky, or messy, or
awkward a few times. Or a lot of times. And that’s OK.
That’s the only way to really get good at this. Could you
learn the guitar without ever missing a note, without ever
messing up a chord? Absolutely not. That would be an
insane expectation and would severely limit your progress.
Yet that’s how many people approach learning to speak up
and be assertive.
Let that go now. Let yourself be a beginner. Let yourself
learn, and be messy, and make mistakes, and keep going
and growing. That is the path to mastery, and that is the
path you are on.
Now that I’ve banged the Action-Drum yet again, let’s
turn our attention to the ins and outs of speaking up.
 SHARING FREELY SOCIALLY
This topic in itself could be an entire book. In fact, my book
The Solution To Social Anxiety, my in-depth confidence
training course, The Confidence Code, and my live event,
Supremely Confident Conversation Master are all focused
on breaking through social fear, maximizing self-esteem,
and mastering all the ins and outs of being able to
comfortably and confidently talk with anyone.
If you suffer from social anxiety, or if this area is a major
challenge for speaking up, and you really want to master it,
I encourage you to explore these other resources. You can
find information about all of them on my website:
www.SocialConfidenceCenter.com.
Since this book is all about shedding excessive niceness
and people pleasing, that’s what we’ll focus on here. We’ll
explore the key shifts you need to make now to start boldly
saying more, sharing more, and simply being yourself
around others. The earlier chapters in this book have set
you up to implement these strategies quickly and easily. By
asking yourself what you want, and owning your
perspective more, speaking up will now come much more
naturally.
YOU GET WHAT YOU THINK YOU
DESERVE
When it comes to social interaction, what do you deserve?
This might be an unusual question that you’ve never really
asked yourself. But unconsciously you have a set of beliefs
that tell you exactly what you deserve. And socially, as with
all areas of life, you get what you think you deserve.
Most nice people don’t think they deserve much attention
or focus when interacting with others. They tend to keep
the conversation focused on the other person, asking them
questions, and sharing less about themselves. They don’t
want to be an egomaniac or attention hog who just talks
about themselves. In fact, being the center of attention is
often uncomfortable, even when they’re just talking with
one person, let alone a group. It can lead to a squirmy, I’m-
on-the-hot-seat-and-want-get-off feeling that causes them to
wrap up and stop sharing themselves with others. Enough
about me, let’s get back to you.
What would serve you more is to have a healthy
expectation of attention in a conversation. This means you
think you deserve attention, for others to be present with
you, and listen to what you are saying. What you say is
significant and it matters, because it’s about you. Even if
it’s you simply sharing something you read, or an
experience you recently enjoyed in your life. That matters,
because you matter.
One of my Mastermind clients recently shared about a
first date she went on. She had been working on her dating
confidence for the last several months and was starting to
go on more dates, which the group celebrated with her. On
this particular date, she said that she was very attracted to
him physically, however whenever she shared about
herself, he would listen briefly and then bring the
conversation back to talking about himself.
“Did that feel good to you?” I asked.
“No, I didn’t like it,” she replied instantly.
I knew this would be the answer, because it doesn’t feel
good to anyone. We all want to receive attention when
we’re sharing, we all want to feel like we matter. Yet here’s
the fascinating part. She didn’t enjoy the conversation that
much, but she wanted to go out with him again, and she
was anxious about whether he would follow up or not. Have
you ever been in that situation? I know I have. And it
baffles our conscious minds. Why do I care so much about
whether this person calls me back? I’m not even that into
them!
Yet we get what we think we deserve. On some level, my
client still believes she doesn’t deserve full attention, focus,
and interest from a man she is attracted to. On some level
she still believes she’s not worthy of it.
This is something I really get. For years, whenever I was
speaking with someone and they didn’t seem interested, I
would instantly conclude it was because whatever I was
talking about wasn’t interesting. The topic was stupid, or I
was a boring and unengaging person. I wasn’t good enough
to keep their attention and I didn’t deserve it.
Regardless of how long you’ve felt this way, now is the
time to let it go. Raise your standard. You do deserve it.
What you want to say and share matters. It is interesting.
Own it. Expect more. Not in some crazy entitled prima
donna way. In a healthy way that allows you to create the
relationships that you really want, the ones that really
nourish you.
So, the next time you’re speaking with someone and they
don’t seem that interested in you and what you’re sharing,
pound the table with your first and loudly shout, “Do you
know who I am?!” No, I’m kidding. Actually, just notice it.
Acknowledge that it’s happening and notice that it doesn’t
feel good to you. Remind yourself you deserve better than
this and act accordingly. Maybe you end the conversation
and go talk with someone else. Maybe you decide not to
pursue a second date even though he or she was really hot.
There are tons of amazing, attractive, compelling people
out there. Find one that excites you and gives you the
attention that you deserve.
Side note: There is one caveat here. If virtually everyone
you talk with seems disinterested, most likely you are doing
something that is creating that response in others. It
doesn’t mean you’re a boring person, it means there is
some snag in your communication style that is blocking
your connection with others. If that’s the case, I strongly
urge you to explore the resources I mentioned at the
beginning of this section so you can rapidly identify and
change that pattern.
SELF-INSERTION
“Here I am, Rock you like a hurricane.”
- Scorpions, Love at First Sting
Please join me in a moment of reverent silence to
appreciate the awesomeness of that song, and the era of
hair-metal. Thank you.
So, if you deserve attention, connection, love, and all the
rest, what are you waiting for?
That’s not a rhetorical question, I’m actually wondering
what you are waiting for. Usually, we’re waiting for
someone to invite us in, give us permission, or tell us it’s
OK. We’re waiting for someone to ask us a bunch of
questions and draw us out. And we wait, and wait, and
wait…
Unfortunately, this passive approach doesn’t work and
never will. We have to insert ourselves–into conversations,
into groups, into people’s lives. The nice-person in you
might be cringing a little as I say this. But that sounds so
aggressive and pushy, what if they don’t want me there?
Well, then you’ll find that out soon enough. You’ll get a
clear signal if your presence, opinion, friendship, or
romantic interest is not wanted. And that’s OK. That’s great
information so you can move forward to a place where you
are wanted and create amazing connections there.
Remember, “I’m not for everybody.”
When you’re at a party, conference, or networking mixer,
and there’s all those people standing in little groups of
twos, threes, and fours, you must insert yourself. It’s the
only way. The alternative is to stand at the edge of the
room, thumbing through your phone, pretending like you
have such important business to attend to that you couldn’t
possibly break away to speak to people. Or you can slide on
up to a group and stand on the outskirts, awkwardly
waiting, hoping they all stop and turn towards you to
warmly invite you in. But how often does that actually
happen?
The only effective option is to insert. To walk into the
group and stand right there. If someone’s in the middle of
speaking you can wait until they’re done. If it sounds like
just chit-chat you can come in with a question fitting to the
situation: “What brings you here?” “What business are you
in?” “What’s your name?”
Self-insertion includes starting conversations with people
whenever you want to, wherever you want to. At a coffee
shop, at the supermarket, on the sidewalk. This can be with
a couple standing there, with a kid and his mom, or with a
stranger you find compelling and attractive. And it doesn’t
just stop there.
We must insert ourselves into people’s lives if we want to
connect with them. Once you’ve had that initial
conversation, if you want to pursue some sort of
relationship, whether it’s for business, a friendship, or a
date, you must be willing to reach out numerous times until
there is a clear “no” signal. That means repeatedly inviting
that person to connect.
If you’re enjoying your connection with someone, initiate
further contact by saying something like: “This is great. I
like talking with you about this. We should get lunch some
time.”
Then, get their number and text them to schedule that
lunch. If they’re busy, wait a little bit and reach out again.
And again. After three times or so, if you’re getting very
little response, you can move on, but most people don’t
even make the initial attempt. We don’t want to be rude or
pushy. We want to be nice. And so, we wait for them to
make the first move.
But here’s the thing. Passivity, timidity, and hesitancy
don’t compel people to want to spend time with us. Bold,
direct, authentic requests and expressions of our interest
and appreciation of them do. That’s a different story. That’s
what opens people up.
People’s lives are busy. They’re full, and crazy, and hectic,
and most people feel a massive scarcity when it comes to
time. In fact, as a fun side experiment, ask the next ten
people you speak with, “Do you feel like you have enough
time?” and see what they say. My guess is 9 out of 10 would
say “no.”
So, we’re all running around, without enough time to get
all the urgent stuff done that we think we need to
accomplish, and feeling pressured and stressed. So, when
someone invites us to do something, what do we think?
Aggh, I don’t have the time! Another demand on me!
Yet if we had a good connection with that person, where
we felt engaged, heard, and liked, part of us wants and
needs to do that again. Despite all our frantic business and
desire to accomplish, what we all really need most is love
and connection. So, do yourself and that person a favor.
Reach out again. Reach out in a playful way, a different
way, and random way. Leave them a funny voicemail or
tease them a bit via text. Remind them of the value of
human connection and invite them out again.
Do this enough times with enough people and you will
have more friends, business connections, clients, and dates
than you know what to do with.
SHARE WHAT INTERESTS YOU...
...Not what others ask you. We have all been trained to
respond to the questions people ask us. If someone asks us
a question, we’ll usually instantly answer it without
thinking twice. Or, if for some reason we don’t want to, we
still feel a strong pressure to do so. And the nicer we were
taught to be, the stronger that pressure is.
But speaking up is not about doing what everyone else
might want or expect. It’s about doing more of what you
want. One key way to do this is through what you share in
conversations with others.
Most people don’t realize the wide-open frontier that
conversations are. Instead, they’re usually just a
predetermined series of standard questions that you have
predetermined answers for.
What do you do? Where do you live? Where’s your name
from? (well, maybe only some of us get that one). And to
each of those standard questions we have a default
response. Think about that for a moment. Do you have
standard phrases in response to common questions? Do you
say virtually the same thing every time? And, if so, how
engaging is that? How fun is that for you? Of course, your
mind says: Well, I have to answer their questions...
Do you? I’ll never forget the breakthrough insight I had
while working at the Homeless Veterans Rehabilitation
Program in California during my clinical psychology
training. There was one crusty old psychologist who’d been
at that treatment center for four decades and was gruff,
direct, and had a huge heart. His name was Don, and I
really admired him.
I remember after one group therapy session with some of
the veterans he pulled me aside. I was new at the center,
relatively new in my training, way too nice, and generally a
softie. These guys in the treatment center had been in the
army, addicted to drugs, and lived on the streets. Many had
spent time in and out of prison. I was no match for them.
During this group, one of the guys started asking me
questions–where I grew up, what my training was like, my
experience with substances. As the questions continued, I
started to get more uncomfortable, yet continued to answer
them, because what else could I do? Not answer them?
Gasp!
After the meeting, Don pulled me aside and said to me,
“Aziz, when someone asks you a question, you don’t have to
answer it.” In that moment, a lightning bolt hit a light bulb
in my head.
“Really?” I asked. “How do you do that? What do you
say?”
“Well, it depends on the situation, but anything I want
really,” he replied.
“Like what?” I needed specifics. I needed the exact words.
I needed the “pick-up line,” the script that’d keep me safe.
“I don’t want to answer that question,” he offered.
Whoa. That blew my mind. So simple. So obvious. Yet so
outside of my world at the time. And the way he said it
mattered. It had no edge to it. No defensiveness, no push-
back, no guilt. It was very matter of fact, relaxed, and
friendly. As if someone said, “Do you want fries with that?”
and you said, “no.”
Flash forward a decade and I now teach people many
different ways to do the exact same thing Don taught me
that day. Here are some specific examples so you can see
how to use this in your life now.
One time I was in line at a restaurant where you order at
the counter. I struck up a conversation with the woman in
front of me by asking her what she was going to order. We
ended up talking together while we waited for our burritos
to be prepared. Soon into the conversation she asked me,
“So what do you do?” Standard question, standard answer,
right? No, let’s try something different.
So instead I replied, “Ahh, the old ‘what do you do
question…’” I said this in a playful tone, like a kung fu
master might respond to a student who asks him how to do
the Flying Dragon Kick of Death. (As you can see my entire
knowledge of kung fu is based on the Kung Fu Panda
movies.)
I paused for just a second, and she had a slightly unsure,
slightly confused look on her face. “I can answer that one,
but let’s mix it up first. Something different. Something fun.
How about I ask you two random questions, and then you
ask me two random questions?” I gave her another playful
look, like a street vendor who is holding out a plush
handbag, saying “Who are you to resist it, ehh?”
“Sure,” she said as she cracked a smile.
That’s just one way you can ask or share what interests
you more in conversations. Once you’ve given yourself full
permission to do this, there are an unlimited number of
ways to steer a conversation towards something that
engages you more. Yes, engages you. The purpose of a
conversation is to connect, have fun, build trust, and
possibly form some kind of relationship. And if you’re not
having fun, and only pretending to be engaged, then no
real relationship will form. And if you can’t steer it, or the
person gets freaked out and wants to follow the standard
conversation protocol, then how fun is your connection
going to be in the long run? How much are you really going
to enjoy talking with them as the months and years go by?
Another way to share what interests you is to simply do so
spontaneously, without even being asked a question about
it. If you just saw an amazing movie, or had an intense
thing happen, and you were meeting up with a friend, what
would you do? Would you immediately jump in and say,
“Dude! You are not going to believe what just happened!”
Most likely. Although you might not start all your
conversations with the word “dude” like I do.
Dude, the key point to remember here is you can do this
with people other than your best friend. You can share
freely and spontaneously with someone you just met, a
work colleague, or when you meet your friend’s girlfriend.
If a colleague at work asks you, “Hey, how’s it going?”
Instead of, “Good. And you?” You can say something like,
“I’m doing good. I just got back from the mountain
yesterday. There is so much snow up there. It’s crazy!” Or,
if you didn’t have any big adventures the day before, you
can simply share something from your life. “I’m doing fine.
I talked with my brother last night. He met a guy at a party
who was really into the topic of cattle mutilation. Have you
ever heard of that? It’s crazy.”
Yes, that’s a real thing. You can look it up on Wikipedia.
It’s a strange mystery and no one knows exactly what’s
happening, but some people think it’s aliens. I’m using that
as an example because I did just speak with my brother
yesterday and that is what he told me about.
And if that’s too wack-a-balls crazy sounding for you, you
can share about a book you’re reading, or a show you saw,
or a hobby you’re into. Something. Anything. The key here
is to spontaneously put more of yourself out there so others
know you better, and you feel freer to express yourself.
Even if someone asks you a question, you can minimally
answer it and then share about what you find more
interesting.
 “So, what do you do?”
“I’m a coach and an author. And one thing I’m super into
these days is something called heart intelligence, have you
heard of it?”
Now, instead of answering standard questions about who
I coach and what I write about, I can share about
something that I’m actively interested in right now. To see
free video demonstrations of these ninja moves, and others,
go to NotNiceBook.com.
How can you start doing this in your life more? Are you
aware of what you’re most interested in? Just as a little
drill, I mean game, let’s try this. On the count of three,
come up with the first five things that pop into your head
that you’re interested in, or did recently, or learned, or
watched, or heard. It could be anything. Don’t filter any of
them out as boring, or too strange, or insignificant. This is
just a game to practice building your spontaneous sharing
muscle. Ready, 1...2...3. Go!
What came to your mind? Your dog, a movie you watched
yesterday, working out? Don’t dismiss anything like this as
irrelevant or uninteresting. Anything about your life
that is interesting to you, is interesting. It matters. If
we see it this way, and share it this way, it tends to have a
different impact on others as well. If you let your natural
enthusiasm, passion, or interest for something show, other
people tend to be way more engaged and responsive.
For example, if someone asks you what you did yesterday
after work, and you say in a flat, dismissive tone, “nothing
much, just went to the gym then home,” then not much will
come of that. They’ll get the message that you don’t want
to talk about it and the conversation will stall out, or you’ll
have to scramble to find something else to talk about. Or
you can just direct all the attention to them (which is
usually the nice-person’s comfort zone anyway).
Instead, what if you knew that your life was fascinating
and interesting? What if you stopped dismissing and
criticizing yourself and your life as boring and lame? Are
you engaged in it? Are you excited about the things you’re
doing? If the answer to that is no, then it might be a sign to
start doing some things you’re interested in. If your life is
dull, repetitive, and you feel bored, it means you have too
much certainty and you spend too much time in your
comfort zone. You need to step up, try new things, explore,
grow, challenge yourself and get scared. That will bring
back energy, passion, and vitality fast.
What I often find is that people are actually interested in
their lives. They do like the things they do. But they’re
telling themselves others won’t find them interesting. For
this, I suggest you take a page out of the book of Zaim, my
three-year-old son. Or your inner three-year-old. When I get
home from work, he’ll scream, “Daddy!” and run over to
give me a hug (which is the best feeling in the world). Then
he’ll launch into a completely random story from his day,
usually right in the middle of it so the context is not
entirely clear. “We went to Mountain Land! Teddy and T-
Rex came across, but Triceratops didn’t. I found my little
guys!”
“Your little guys?” I ask with a big smile on my face.
“Yeah! My little earplug guys. They were swimming and
swimming, and over here, and over there, and one said,
‘aggghh!’” He pauses for a moment, looking a little sad,
then continues. “Those guys didn’t go to Mountain Land…”
“Aww, they didn’t?” I ask.
“No, ‘cause they were with me in the bath!” he says,
enthusiasm fully returned.
This can go on for a good long while… in three year-old-
time, which is two minutes. Then it’s time to sit down and
play doctor, stat!
What I love about these exchanges is his complete lack of
hesitancy about my interest in the topic. He just assumes
that of course I’d be interested in this because it happened
to him. He doesn’t even have the evaluation of whether
something is interesting or not. It’s something that
occurred and he loves me and wants to share it with me.
He wants to be seen, to be known. To connect these
interests with others. We all do, no matter what our age.
So, when you share about what you did the night before,
what if you brought back some of your three-year-old self?
What might you say?
“After work, I went straight to the gym. I have all my gym
clothes ready to go in my trunk so I don’t have any excuses.
I had a great workout! I’ve been going consistently for
about four months. And my goal is to go four times per
week this entire year. So far it feels awesome.”
How does that feel? Completely different than the first
response, right? And it’s so much truer. It’s your actual
experience instead of some downplayed, muted, stuffed
down, I’m-not-interesting-so-let’s-not-talk-about-me act.
And guess what kind of response that’s going to get from
someone? Do you think they’ll be less engaged than with
the first response, or more engaged? That’s right, much
more. Usually.
If for some reason, you share this and it gets no traction
and the other person gives a minimal response and changes
the subject, what does that mean? That you’re boring and
what you shared is stupid? No! Watch out for those old
stories. It means that person is not interested in working
out. Or, more likely, that person has some issue in their life
about their health, and uncomfortable feelings got stirred
up in them when they heard about your commitment and
enthusiasm. Perhaps they felt inferior, or guilty, and are
telling themselves they should go to the gym more. Who
knows? The point is you can express yourself. You can
share who you are. Because you matter. And what you
think, feel, and experience matters.
TURN DOWN YOUR FILTERS
Many people that come to my Confident Conversation
Master live event have a story that says, “I don’t know what
to say,” or “I don’t have anything good to say.” This story
shows up and interferes with their ability to start
conversations with strangers, approach people they find
attractive, or interact with others in a business and
networking setting. What they discover by the end of the
first day of the event, however, is that they have an endless
amount of things to say. The issue isn’t good content, it’s
that they have their filters on too high.
Humans are social animals, and we love to talk. Even if
you think of yourself as a hardcore introvert who could do
without most human interaction, you still like to talk. How
do I know this? Because if you were in solitary confinement
for a week, completely isolated in a room by yourself, and
then someone came to visit you after that week, what
would you do? Start talking. Talking would be like a tall
glass of water after a long day in the hot desert sun.
The real issue is that we filter out all the things we want
to share. We also filter out all the questions we really want
to ask. We make sure both of these are polite, normal, and
nothing out of the ordinary or unusual. So, we end up with
an extremely narrow band of what we can ask, and an even
smaller range of options for what we can share. And then
we run those potentials through another filter: the “will
they find this interesting?” or “is this good enough?” or
“this better not offend or upset anyone” filter. Sometimes
we’re running our communication through all three of
these filters and more. And guess what? Nothing much
more than a trickle comes out.
A huge component of speaking up socially and being freer
is to radically turn down your filters. Not all the way, but a
significant amount. This topic is so important, that I have
an entire chapter devoted to it later in this book. It’s
Chapter 14: 100% You, and it’s in the “Life On Your Terms”
section. Be sure to read that to help you filter less and
speak freely more.
 SPEAKING UP AT WORK
Your ability to speak up in work, business, and your career
determines your success perhaps more than any other
factor. While technical skill and the ability to complete
tasks is a requirement to move ahead, these by themselves
are insufficient. To rise to higher levels in a company, or
grow your business to the next level, the pathway always
involves stepping up, communicating powerfully, and
becoming a leader. In almost every industry, technical
ability will only help you reach a certain level, and then
there is a ceiling. To continue to ascend in your career, get
promoted, grow your business, earn more money, and have
a bigger impact, you must be able to communicate with
more people. This section will guide you on how to speak
up more freely, more frequently, and more effectively in
your work.
THE FEAR WALL
We’ve covered many of the internal obstacles to being a
more bold, direct, authentic version of yourself. However,
there are some specific fears when it comes to speaking up
at work that I’ve heard repeatedly from clients. This
includes speaking up in meetings, with colleagues, with
supervisors, a boss, or someone who is higher up in the
company structure.
Take a moment to reflect on these kinds of interactions in
your own work. What prevents you from speaking with
assertiveness and authority in those situations?
Here are the most frequent fears:
· Fear of being wrong.
· Fear of being embarrassed.
· The assumption that other people’s ideas are better.
· Fear of people seeing you’re nervous.
· Fear of being challenged in front of others and “losing.”
See any you like? Want to take them all home with you?
Here’s the fundamental truth about fear. Fear
unchallenged grows stronger and eventually controls
you. Fear faced dissolves as your power grows
exponentially. As long as these fears dominate your mind
and lead to patterns of holding back, staying quiet, and
avoiding, you will remain stuck. The only way out is
through.
How to shed your limiting negative beliefs and break
through fear is an entire book in itself. If you feel held back
or paralyzed by fear, and want to be able to habitually
activate your DO muscle, so you can consistently take
action in the face of fear, I recommend reading my book,
The Art of Extraordinary Confidence, or exploring my
interactive confidence training program, Confidence
Unleashed (ConfidenceUnleashedNow.com).
For now, I’m going to assume that you’re ready, willing,
and able to take action on the strategies below. Even if
you’re nervous or scared. Even if you need to start small
with baby steps. Because in order for you to achieve what
you want to achieve in your work and career, and become
the person of impact and influence that you want to
become, speaking up at work cannot be a one-off,
infrequent occurrence. It has to become a habit—
something you do all the time. It has to become a part of
who you are and how you show up. Then, the doors of
opportunity will open up, because you are truly serving
others and being the leader you’re meant to be.
ASK QUESTIONS
One of the simplest and easiest ways to begin speaking up
more frequently is to start engaging in meetings and other
settings. Instead of being completely passive and virtually
invisible, you want to insert yourself and make your
presence known. The simplest way to ease into this process
is through asking questions.
These can be any kinds of questions, and it depends on
your unique business and setting. Questions about the plan,
about someone’s thinking, about their reasoning, about
how a project might unfold.
At first people sometimes fear this will make them look
under qualified or incompetent. This is usually just a fear of
speaking up and an excuse we use so we don’t have to do
it. But you can also make sure your questions are relevant
and bring value to the discussion. Let me give you an
example to illustrate.
One of my clients works in the tech field, and avoided
speaking up in meetings for years. Now, if he asked
questions like, “How do search terms work?” or, “What are
the top search engines?” his peers would think he’d lost his
mind. These are questions I, or another layman, might ask.
They’re not the refined questions of someone who’s been
working in the field for years.
Here are some of the questions he might ask:
“If we did do approach A, how long will it take to collect
enough data to analyze?”
“Why do you want to use approach A over approach B or
C?”
“When will you have project X completed by?”
“It’s unclear to me how all the pieces fit together here.
How does this integrate with that?”
 Who does that sound like to you? The boss. Or at least
whoever is running the meeting. And yet, you can do this
regardless of your official position. Depending on your role
in the meeting you might not be asking a dozen of these
questions and directing the whole thing, but you can
certainly get one or two in per meeting. This habit engages
you, makes your presence known, adds to the discussion,
and is a sign of contribution and leadership.
Sometimes people have a fear about asking even these
kinds of questions. They imagine that any question at all
will make others think they are stupid or foolish. They feel
a pressure to know everything right away.
One client I spoke with worked in the legal field and was
afraid to approach her boss with questions. She imagined
he would say, “just look it up yourself. You should know that
already.” I asked a few questions and discovered her boss
had never actually said anything like this, so it was clear
this was a projection of her own judgments. It was just fear.
So, we did a little role play where she played that boss, and
I demonstrated how she might respond:
Me: (Insert specific and intelligent sounding legal
question here)
Boss-Man: You don’t know that? You should by now. Just
look it up yourself.
Me: OK, I could do that. You seem bothered by me asking
you, so I’m curious about your stance on questions in
general. Do you not want me to ask you and get the answer
quickly? Would you prefer I take more time to look it up?
When I asked my client what she noticed about my
response, she said, “You spoke to him just like a regular
person. You were trying to figure out what he wanted. And
you also highlighted that it would take more time to do it
the other way. You weren’t apologetic about not knowing.”
 That last point is the key for asking questions and has
been my secret to rapid growth, learning, and success. A
long time ago I simply decided I would no longer hold a
question back. I would no longer tell myself I “should know
something and shouldn’t ask.” I gave myself complete
permission to ask anything. Once you let go of this self-
absorbed fear of: Do I look smart enough? Me! Me! ME!
Everyone is focused on and constantly thinking about ME!
and start connecting with others, you realize that people
almost always answer questions. No judgments, no
berating you, no drama.
If someone says what kind of work they do, and I don’t
know what that really is, I will say that and ask them to tell
me more. If I’ve forgotten someone’s name, even though
I’ve met them several times before, I will say, “So… I have a
confession to make...” then pause for a moment as if it’s
something really dramatic, “I’ve forgotten your name!”
Then they laugh and tell me their name, and we move on.
Basically, you have a choice. You can live the rest of your
life trying to appear like you know more than you do in an
(ineffective) attempt to impress others or maintain their
approval of you. Or you can acknowledge you’re a human
who doesn’t know everything, who shouldn’t know
everything, who’ll never know everything, and who learns
most rapidly by asking questions. I personally like option B,
how about you?
YOUR PERSPECTIVE MATTERS
We talked about owning your perspective earlier in this
book. This is especially important in your work and
business life. If you have any of these stories rattling
around in the back of your head, it’s time to let them go:
I don’t know enough yet.
I’m not as smart as others.
Everyone is more skilled and better than I am.
I am a fraud.
I am an impostor.
I should know more than I do.
If I say I can do something, I’ll fail.
It’s best to avoid more responsibility and play small.
These stories are toxic sludge. They aren’t true and they
don’t serve you or anyone in your company or life.
They come from this strange phenomenon: you comparing
the inside of you to the outside of someone else. Let me
explain. You’re aware of your inside–how you feel and what
you think. If you’re nervous or insecure, you feel it in your
chest, your throat, or your stomach. Your breathing is tight
and your mind is full of worried thoughts. Outwardly, you
probably don’t say all of those crazy thoughts and you try
to keep it cool. That’s your outside, your persona, your
mask. We all have it and we all do it.
The problem is we don’t see the inside of other people. At
best, we get their report of what’s happening inside. If
someone is open and vulnerable with us, they may tell us
what’s going on inside, but in most work settings, people
are not that vulnerable. They put on their suit, get their
game-face on, and show up looking put together, no matter
what they think or feel.
Hence, the strange comparison. Outwardly, Jimbo looks
strong, bold, confident. He speaks with authority and
certainty. He seems to know what he’s talking about.
Internally I feel unsure, doubtful, and have conflicting
thoughts. I must not be as smart as Jimbo, or know as
much. I must be a fraud, an impostor!
But guess what’s happening inside Jimbo? The same kind
of stuff! Uncertainty, doubt, confusion, fear. He feels them
all. He just has a very practiced and polished exterior. Now,
we don’t know to what degree he’s feeling all those things
in any given moment, but I guarantee you that as a human,
he feels all those things and more.
Once we understand this, and see the truth of it, we can
begin to relax. We see ourselves as human, just like
everyone else. We are no longer less-than, weak, flawed, or
broken. Our thoughts and feelings are OK. We’re OK. And
from that place of relaxed, deep self-acceptance,
tremendous power emerges. The power to speak up, to
share, to express yourself and your ideas freely.
You, as you are right now, have something to contribute.
It’s time to start owning that and stop dismissing it. It’s
time to stop disrespecting and diminishing yourself based
on some weird, erroneous comparison to another’s persona
and image. What would happen if starting today, right now,
you decided that your perspective mattered? It didn’t
require years of experience or some higher level of
intelligence. It didn’t even require you to be the smoothest
or best communicator. What if your perspective mattered
right now, just as you are?
My guess is you’d start to share it more, wouldn’t you?
What do you notice as you imagine that? For many people
who’ve held back for too long, fear is waiting for them at
the doorway to freedom. “Don’t step through,” it whispers.
“You will surely die out there.” It paints a vivid picture of
embarrassment, failure, public humiliation, and shame. It
does everything it can to keep you from taking those risks,
to keep you small, and safe.
But you can just walk right through that door, you know.
That voice is just like a recording on the loudspeaker at an
airport. “If you notice any unattended baggage, please
report to a TSA security agent immediately.” You can pay
attention to that voice, or not. It’s just there, part of your
experience, as you get your snacks, walk towards your
gate, and prepare to board the plane.
Now is the time to start sharing. It can be scary at first,
but guess what? It won’t be less scary six months from
now… Or six years from now. It will only stay the same, or
get harder. But if you decide now to start taking immediate
action, it will get easier, and your power will grow.
Remember, start small, with questions as we discussed
above. Then start inserting your ideas, perspectives, and
opinions. Again, small at first–with one colleague, in low
pressure situations. And slowly work your way up the
ladder of risk until you can say what you think to your boss,
to his or her boss, and to anyone, no matter how successful,
rich, or powerful.
CERTAINTY TRUMPS ALL
“When two people meet, the person in a greater state of
certainty will always influence the other one. Assuming, of
course, they are in rapport.”
- Tony Robbins
“But I have a no conflict of interest provision as president...I
could actually run my business and run government at the
same time. I don’t like the way that looks, but I would be
able to do that if I wanted to. I would be the only one to be
able to do that.”
- Donald Trump
Certainty is extremely influential. It was one of the factors
that helped Donald Trump become President of the United
States. Regardless of your political perspective, his ability
to stand behind what he said with complete and utter
certainty was convincing. It compelled many people, and
provided a sense of clarity and certainty in a world that is
uncertain and increasingly complex.
While you might not want to take it as far as The Donald,
most likely you could benefit from more certainty in your
communication. This is because you might have a history of
holding back, hesitating, or doubting your perspective or
your value. When we do first start speaking up, this old
doubt can negatively affect your ability to influence and
impact others. It makes you sound uncertain, unsure of
yourself, and decreases the perceived value of what you are
saying, even if what you are saying is intelligent and
valuable.
There are two main ways uncertainty shows in
communication that you will want to watch out for:
Hesitant Tone and Qualifiers.
 Hesitant Tone
This happens when we speak from a stance of doubt or
insecurity, when we’re more focused on whether people will
like what we’re saying, and if we’re good enough. This
happens when we’re singing the “me, me, me!” song in our
heads instead of focusing on our point and the impact we’d
like to make.
A hesitant tone is usually soft and quiet. It is filled with
pauses, taking too long to choose the right words, and filler
sounds, such as “um,” or “ah.” This kind of hesitant tone
loses your audience faster than flipping them off would (at
least that would have some provocative energy to it!).
It is usually accompanied by shallow breathing. Our heads
are usually not fully upright and our eye contact is typically
inconsistent. Remember the submissive stance from earlier
in this book? Same thing here. We’re standing up to share,
but we’re doing so in a timid, submissive way, which,
unfortunately, does not influence others.
I’ve seen this subtle pattern cause surprisingly significant
consequences in many of my clients’ lives. One client was a
highly skilled surgeon who was known for his top-quality
performance and warm bedside manner. In spite of this, he
failed his board certification oral exams twice—not because
of a lack of knowledge or skill, but simply because he did
not sound confident when he delivered his answers. Many
other clients struggle to be taken seriously by family and
friends, feel others don’t perceive them with respect, or are
often overlooked as dating and relationship partners, all
due to this one habit.
 Qualifiers
Qualifiers are phrases we use before or after we speak up
that are designed to soften what we say. When we’re
insecure we can begin or end our statement with qualifiers
that are apologetic and submissive. They are designed to
diminish what we say, so as to not produce conflict,
disagreement, or anything else we perceive as threatening.
Some examples are:
I’m sorry to put this out there, but… (statement)
You’ll probably think this is wrong… (statement)
I have an idea. It might not work, but… (statement)
I’m sorry, but can I add something?... (statement)
(statement)... I don’t know.
(statement)... but that’s just my opinion.
(statement)... but I don’t know as much about this as you
do.
Have you used any of these? Do you have other ones that
are your go-tos? Pay attention the next time you’re in a
social group or business setting. Notice what qualifiers
others use, and which ones you tend to use.
Then, eliminate them.
Certainty Rant
If you want to be a person who is taken seriously and seen
as a leader both in business and socially, you must learn
how to communicate with a tone of certainty. The good
news is it’s not that hard. You don’t have to become
smarter, gain twenty years of experience, or achieve
anything else first. You can just start doing it now.
Speaking with certainty is just a pattern of voice tone and
body language. First, start paying attention to when you
are certain about something. I had a client who was
hesitant when speaking socially, especially with people he
didn’t know very well. He was a successful business owner,
who knew quite a bit about business building, but even
talking about this was difficult. He was concerned about
saying something with certainty because he feared
someone could find a counterargument and disagree with
him. Or he could see that there’s always another
perspective and he wanted to acknowledge and honor that
every time he spoke. The result was a halting, hesitant
sounding manner of speech that was filled with the
qualifier, “I don’t know.”
To begin, I asked him some questions about a topic he
was completely certain about: football. I asked him a series
of basic questions about which teams were favorites this
season and why. I asked him what their weaknesses were
and who the best quarterback in the league was. No matter
what my question, he answered immediately, with a tone of
absolute certainty.
Next, we had him study other people in his life who spoke
with certainty. He noticed their body language and voice
patterns. He began paying a little less attention to what
they were saying, and started paying more attention to how
they were speaking.
I encourage you to do the same thing. Discover in your
own life what you are certain about and notice how you
communicate when speaking about it. Where are you
naturally most certain? Is it in your knowledge about
sports, movies, or video games? Perhaps it’s your opinions
in politics, finances, or another field.
Once you’ve identified it, do the following exercise. The
next time you’re alone, perhaps driving somewhere in your
car, go on a “certainty rant.” This is where you speak out
loud, with complete and total conviction about anything you
want. Start out with the topic you know well. It doesn’t
matter what the content, or how eloquent or thought out it
is. That’s not the point. The point is to begin practicing
speaking with authority. Think of it as vocal training for an
actor.
Once you’re going, start talking about anything and
everything in your life. What you did yesterday, what you’re
going to do that day, a particular situation at work, your
opinion on an issue in your team, what you think of
someone’s performance, what you liked about the dinner
party last night (or didn’t like). Don’t censor yourself. This
is not a time to be nice or polite. No one’s going to hear
this, it’s just an exercise to flex your certainty muscle.
Notice what happens as you do this. Where do you sound
most certain? Where do you falter or become hesitant? As
you practice these once per day in your car, do you slowly
become more and more certain sounding in the areas
where you once sounded unsure of yourself?
What are the qualities of a certain voice tone? What is
your volume like? How quickly do you speak? What is your
tone like? It’s slightly different for everyone, so you want to
discover this for yourself. And the only way to do this is to
get into action and start practicing. Once you do, you just
might find that the certainty rant is actually fun and
generates a confidence in yourself that lasts for hours
afterward as you go about your day.
To see a demo of how to do a certainty rant and a
breakdown of some of the components of a certain voice
tone, go to NotNiceBook.com.
MEETINGS: COMMAND THE ROOM
Once you give yourself permission to ask questions and
really start to acknowledge the value of your perspective,
you'll naturally start speaking up more in meetings. The
next level is to command the room.
This doesn't require being the highest level of authority in
the room or being the boss. It also doesn't have to come
across as condescending or like you think you're better
than others. Rather, it’s a natural way to communicate
when you believe in yourself and aren't focused on
harvesting approval and pleasing everybody. Instead, you
say what you think and you stand behind what you say.
The more you practice this, the more natural it will
become. It will simply be what you do and how you
communicate. It will become who you are and how you
show up.
In order to command the room, you need to really
internalize the mindsets presented in this book: letting go
of the need for approval, taking care of others, and feeling
overly responsible for their feelings and reactions. That
might mean going back and reading those chapters again,
and practicing all the suggestions and exercises. If you
read through those sections passively without doing the
exercises, you may have an intellectual understanding, but
that’s very different from generating massive power to step
up and be who you are. That only comes from action.
Let’s cover two key abilities you must have in order to be
able to command the room. You must be able to hold the
center of attention without freaking out or collapsing in
upon yourself, and you must be able to handle interrupting
others and being interrupted.
If you want to accelerate in your career and go beyond a
basic technical position, you will most likely need to
manage others, lead, and run meetings. If you run your
own business and you want to expand beyond a solo-shop
where you do everything yourself, you will need to lead and
manage others. To reach any level of significant influence,
impact, and income, you must be able to be the center of
attention and handle interruptions.
While it’s most essential in your career, developing these
two skills will serve you greatly in your personal life as
well. Being the center of attention allows you to share a
story at a dinner party, give a toast at a wedding, or
approach a group of strangers to initiate a conversation.
Being able to interrupt radically improves your social
experience, prevents you from getting stuck in one-sided
conversations that drain you of energy, and helps you guide
conversations to be more fun, engaging, or productive.
In short, you want these skills. You need these skills. And
it’s worth facing the discomfort of learning how to build
them, as they will serve you for a lifetime.
Holding Court
Back in the day, as in ye olden times, royalty would gather
their loyal dukes and whatnot and hold court. This term
later evolved to mean being surrounded by and
commanding the attention of admirers, subordinates, or
hangers-on.
That's what you want to do. As you become less nice, and
less concerned with how every single person will respond
to every single thing you say, you can command the center
of attention more easily.
The reason this is difficult for most people is because they
have low self-esteem and have many things about
themselves they dislike or think are inadequate. When
others pay attention to them, they imagine they’re being
criticized and judged for their shameful inadequacy.
Combine this with a hefty dose of approval seeking and
fear of upsetting others and you find yourself nowhere near
the center of attention, ever.
But this negatively impacts your life in multiple ways.
Without being the center of attention, you can never
command a meeting, give a powerful presentation, or do
anything in the business world that could produce
significant results. Even when it comes to socializing and
dating, if you can't be the center of attention, then you
can't tell stories, speak up in a group, or walk over to
people you don't know and jump into the conversation.
It's time to start thinking of speaking up in work settings
as if you are holding court. Start by paying attention to
people who already do it and study them. How do they hold
the center of attention, how do they speak, how do they
look at others? Instead of instantly putting up some false
barrier between you and them, thinking I could never do
that, pay attention to what you can emulate.
Then, combine your newfound certainty tone with
stepping up and taking some risks in a few meetings. Own
it. What if you were The King? The Queen? How would you
speak to your subjects? Would you have any qualms about
taking time or space? Of course not, you're the ruler and
you are surrounded by your loyal subjects.
This isn't some narcissistic stance where we think we’re
better than everyone else. It's just a playful way to bring
our self-esteem back up to where it should be–where it
originally started when we were young: knowing you are
awesome.
It’s you giving yourself permission to hold the floor and
own the room. Yes, I want your attention. It’s important for
you to give it to me right now. Of course, my idea is worth
sharing; it's my idea. Of course, it's worth contributing this, I
created it. Of course, they need to hear this, it's important!
This healthy perception of your value allows you to speak
up and command the attention of the room.
During one of my live events, after a segment where
participants went out in the world to practice what they
were learning, one client shared this: “As I walked down
the street, I felt like I was the king out on a stroll and I was
lovingly looking at all my loyal subjects.” The room laughed
in surprise and delight at this fun image. It was especially
significant for him, because he had spent decades
uncomfortable meeting new people and avoiding eye
contact with all but a few that he knew well.
Make a mini-project out of studying how people hold
court. Notice it at work, and any time you see it on TV, at a
party, or anywhere else in the world. Watch the person’s
face, their body language, and listen to their tone. Then
mimic that in your own life until it becomes familiar and a
part of who you are.
HOW TO HANDLE BEING
INTERRUPTED
Jump to your feet, pound the table, and yell, “Sit down and
shut up!”
Next section.
No, no, that may cause some problems down the line.
Instead, let’s discuss how to handle this situation in
meetings at work. Once you learn how to do this, however,
it extends way beyond just this setting. You can use it with
friends, when communicating with your lawyer or
accountant, or even with long-winded Uncle Thorpy at
Thanksgiving dinner.
When you are speaking and someone tries to cut you off
or speak over you, it’s important to respond right away. If
we consistently stop speaking, quiet down, and let the
other person take over, we create a negative pattern that
communicates the message: It’s OK to speak over me. I
don’t value what I have to say that much anyway. Your
viewpoint is probably more important than mine. Besides I
don't really deserve to hold the floor anyway.
This is not the message we want to send, and it's not true.
The truth is your opinion matters and what you have to say
needs to be heard. As soon as someone jumps in to speak
over you, raise your volume just slightly and keep going. If
needed, gently raise your hand slightly, palm out, and say,
“Hold on a second, Jim, let me finish my point.” Then keep
going without hesitation and finish your point. No apology,
no hesitation, no niceness. Just you owning the floor while
respecting both yourself and others.
If the same person continues to interrupt you it can be
helpful to call out the pattern. Some people would
approach the person one-on-one, but I would call it out
right when it's happening. “I notice you have been speaking
up as I'm speaking, Jim. It seems like you're eager to share
your perspective, yet I haven't finished mine. My
preference would be to give each person space to finish
their point, then to have a discussion about it. How do you
imagine we could solve this problem?”
If you're feeling empowered reading this, good! You can
absolutely speak to your colleagues and coworkers this
way. The sooner you speak up, the better because you will
have less of an emotional charge and sound more neutral
as you do this. If you’ve been stuffing it down for months,
building resentment, your tone will most likely sound harsh
or angry. However, if you speak up right away, it will be an
assertive statement about what you want in the moment.
It’s worth mentioning the flip side of stopping someone
from interrupting you, and that is interrupting others. I
know, it seems ironic to teach you how to stop others from
interrupting you and then encourage you to interrupt
others. But there is a time in a meeting when you need to
tactfully interrupt to share your viewpoint or keep things
on track.
In order to do this skillfully, you must give yourself full
permission. Then, carry it out with a solid volume that is
slightly louder than the volume at which others are
speaking. This will command attention and give you an in.
It helps to acknowledge what is being said, or that you are
interrupting. “Hey guys, you both are making important
points here, and I need to interrupt you to keep us on track
in the meeting. We need to determine exact next steps for
this week before we complete today.”
When you can tactfully insert yourself and gracefully
block others from interrupting you, you gain an ability to
command any meeting. This makes you feel better, reduces
resentment, and improves your happiness and performance
at work. It also establishes you as a leader, which is
important for career advancement and living life on your
terms.
DEALING WITH “SUPERIORS”
Superior is defined by Google Dictionary as “being higher
in rank, status, or quality.” While this definition includes
three very different things, our subconscious minds can
blur them together. Hence, we consciously know that our
superiors in business just have a higher rank or status than
us, but we subconsciously think they have a higher quality
than us. Higher quality equals “better than me.” Just like
when people hear the term “net worth,” it's hard not to
subconsciously equate that with your worth as a human.
As a result, we often approach people who are of a
superior standing in the company as if we are inferior
human beings. This can amplify any pre-existing habits of
approval seeking, people pleasing, or hesitation to anxiety-
producing levels. This generates fear, worry about
meetings and presentations, and more hesitation and
avoidance, none of which is you owning your power and
freely being who you want to be in the world.
It’s important to realize that company status or position
does not equal smarter, more talented, or better. There are
many reasons someone achieves a high rank in a company.
They could have been there earlier, or in the right place at
the right time. They could be good at talking, connecting,
and schmoozing. They could be good at sounding certain
even when they’re unsure of what they’re talking about.
They don’t necessarily know more or have some secret
quality that makes them better.
The key to being less nice around your boss, senior
management, and anyone else is to see through the
company strata and look right at the person in front of you.
The human being. The soft, fleshy pile of bones, organs,
and skin. The one who has hopes, dreams, and fears, just
like you.
To help you do just this, let me share a little story about
the “Executive Committee.”
The “Executive Committee”
The key to boldly speaking up around anyone at work is to
remember this key insight: Everyone you work with, no
matter how high up in the company, how successful, how
experienced, or how rich, is still just some person. Some
dude. Some gal.
They sleep in a bed, poop in the morning, and sometimes
get terrible gas that they try to hide from others. They
sometimes feel happy, excited, confident, and totally on
fire. And sometimes they feel confused, uncertain, insecure,
or inferior (even if you've never seen them act that way).
They have challenges in their relationships and sometimes
struggle with their spouse or kids. They will get old, they
will get sick, they will feel afraid at times, and eventually
they will die. They are just a human animal moving through
this mysterious life, trying to figure it all out and have some
purpose and happiness before it's all over.
The more you see through the suits, the jargon, and the “I
got it all together” facade, the more relaxed and confident
you will become.
For example, one client I was speaking with was anxious
about an upcoming meeting she had with the executive
committee in her company. She was preparing for the
meeting and feeling tense, worried, and unsure of herself,
despite decades of experience at the company.
I noticed every time she referred to the meeting and the
people there, she called them “the executive committee.”
“How many people are on this executive committee?” I
asked.
“Two,” she replied.
 “Two!” I exclaimed, “I was imagining a boardroom full of
nine stone-faced, old guys in suits.”
“No,” she laughed. “It's just two. And I actually know
them both well.”
“What are their names?” I asked.
“Tim and Glenn,” she said.
“Tim and Glenn,” I repeated. “That's a lot less
intimidating sounding. What's Tim like?”
I asked her more questions about the people she was
meeting with until they once again became people in her
mind. She has a long history with them both and could see
that they cared about her and they had great working
relationships.
So, the next time you're going to meet with your
“supervisor” or “the CEO,” what if you started thinking
about your meeting with Sunil or Linda? Because that's all
that it is.
Serving Versus Pleasing
Have you ever been on the opposite side of the pleasing
dynamic? Perhaps you meet someone socially or at work,
and you can instantly tell they like you and are impressed
by you. They want you to like them. They are engaged,
energetic, and… a little too much. They laugh too hard at
what you say, they agree too quickly, and they smile too
much even when the topic is serious. How does this feel
when it’s happening?
In my experience, it’s unpleasant. While there is an
appreciation or admiration present, there is also a lack of
authenticity. It’s hard to really trust that person because
they’re not showing who they really are. And there is the
palpable sense that they want something from me. They
need something from me (specifically my approval).
This is not the kind of impression you want to make on
senior management, or your boss, or anyone else for that
matter. Your boss doesn’t want you to please her. She wants
you to add something of value that benefits her, the
customers, and the company. The executive team doesn’t
want you to agree with everything and smile. They want
you to boldly share your expertise to help them make the
best decisions possible.
The difference between serving and pleasing comes down
to what we are focusing on. When we are pleasing, we are
focused on ourselves. Sure, we’re paying attention to the
other person and the situation, but all so we can get a
gauge on our performance and how others are liking it. Do
they like me? Is this going well? We then say and do
whatever we need to so that they are pleased with us. This
leads to over-agreement, not pointing out challenges, and
often taking on too much so that we end up over-promising
and under-delivering.
Instead, we want to serve. Serve your boss, serve the
company, serve your customers and clients. Service is one
of my core values and the more I live it, the better I feel,
and the more abundant my life and business becomes.
When we serve someone we ask questions, share our input,
and try to do whatever’s best to help the situation. We’re
focused on the other person and their needs, and the larger
situation as a whole. We can disagree if we think that
serves the person. We say what needs to be said, even if it’s
uncomfortable.
And when you do this, guess what happens? People
respect you. Your boss admires you and trusts you. The
executive team appreciates your honesty and imagines you
will be a powerful member of their team one day. And your
clients and customers benefit greatly and want more.
As you are reading about speaking up at work and in your
social life, you may be feeling more and more liberated and
excited. It might seem possible for you to bring more of
yourself to the table so that you can be more expressive
and free. You can be out on the field and a major player,
stepping into the life you actually want for yourself.
And you may have a part of you that is cranking up a little
nervous energy and worry: Yes, but what if I say that and
someone doesn’t like it? What if they challenge me publicly?
What if someone shuts me down or mocks me? What if they
get angry and criticize me? What if all my goals and dreams
go terribly wrong??
These kinds of fears are a sign that you need to have a
road map to handle objections, disagreements, and other
difficult conversations.
 OBJECTIONS,
DISAGREEMENT, & OTHER
“DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS”
Imagine these scenarios…
You are working on a big project with a coworker, and all
of a sudden you realize that he lied to you and to the
customer. This is going to cause a big problem for the
company, but you’ve been working on this project together
for months and you don’t want to make him look bad…
One of your employees frequently has a disgruntled
attitude that she communicates with voice tone and body
language. Sometimes she’s warm in her responses, but
often it seems like she’s pissed at everybody, including you.
She also is resistant to change and doesn’t consistently
implement new strategies to grow the business…
You had an agreement with a subcontractor and they
failed to deliver on an aspect of the project. You had a
conversation with them about this and they promised they
would send you weekly updates of their progress every
Friday. It’s 9p.m. on Friday evening and you haven’t heard
anything from them…
These are just a few of hundreds of specific examples
clients and myself have faced that require objecting,
disagreeing, or initiating an uncomfortable conversation.
And these examples are just from a work setting–we
haven’t even gotten started on dating and relationships yet!
The reality is we come across situations on a weekly basis
that would be better to address than avoid. But so often,
avoiding is our primary response to any potentially
uncomfortable conversation. All our fears from the chart
earlier about what will happen if we speak up, come back
with a vengeance. And sometimes we don’t even let
ourselves imagine speaking directly and assertively.
Instead, we fill our minds with excuses and rationalizations.
We explain why the other person did what they did, and tell
ourselves we need to be more flexible, patient, and relaxed.
I should just let it go…
Of course, sometimes it is good to let things go. But most
of the time this is a fear of a direct conversation. In fact,
that direct conversation where you address the challenges
head on is the fastest and best way to actually let it go and
move on. And since the need for these conversations arise
at work, in your friendships, with family, and in your
romantic relationship, learning how to handle them is
essential. In fact, the quality of your life depends on
how many of these uncomfortable conversations you
are willing to have.
If you can skillfully talk about sex, money, how to raise
your kids, and all the other hot-button topics in a
relationship, then you will have an extraordinary
relationship. If you cannot, then you will avoid these topics,
reduce intimacy, grow distant, and live together-but-
separate lives of loneliness and quiet desperation.
If you can say what needs to be said, call out problems,
and directly ask people what’s going on at work, you will
quickly rise to the rank of leader. If you run your own
business, or manage others, you will create effective teams
that get the job done quickly with minimal drama. If you
avoid the uncomfortable conversations, you will never be
recognized as a leader who can handle challenges and
solve problems. You will also likely feel angry and resentful
inside, blaming others for your frustration, and seeing it as
unfair when others get promoted.
So, let’s just say this skill is important. Here’s how to do it
right.
ADVANCED CONVERSATION
STRATEGY:
7 STEPS TO HANDLE ANY SITUATION
Sometimes we don’t speak up because we’re too scared to
in the moment. We know exactly what we want to address,
but our body hits the override switch and we stay silent.
But sometimes we don’t speak up as often as we’d like
simply because we don’t have a clear strategy. If it’s
something you haven’t done many times before, you just
might be unclear about how to do it effectively.
Below you’ll discover a clear 7-step approach you can
take to handle any difficult conversation. These seven steps
have come from years of practical research in the field that
has been tested with hundreds of clients and thousands of
conversations. I’ve seen it help people resolve disputes
with their neighbors, manage their employees better, deal
with an upset boss, greatly enhance their romantic
relationships, and bring them closer to their families and
parents. In other words, This Stuff Works (TSW).
The key with these steps, as with any skill, is practice.
Start by reading them over and getting a basic
understanding of them. Then begin applying them in all the
situations in your life that could benefit from more
assertiveness.
Step 1: I Don’t Like It.
This actually occurs inside of you before you open your
mouth to say anything. It involves paying more attention to
your own internal response to situations, and then
acknowledging and honoring that response instead of
dismissing it. If someone you work with always tells you
really long stories about his home remodel project, and you
feel bored and restless, notice that. If you feel irritated
each time your partner behaves a certain way, pay
attention to that.
Notice that moment of internal resistance. It could come
as irritation, impatience, or some other internal feeling of:
Hey, I don’t like that.
This is the exact opposite of the nice person's habit of
over accommodating and assuming any dislike or upset is
your problem. You might tell yourself to be more patient,
more flexible, less judgmental, and more relaxed. I should
just let it go and not be so bothered by it. This might sound
like you aspiring to be a more enlightened person, but it’s
actually a sneaky way to avoid conflict.
Instead, notice that internal resistance. It’s trying to tell
you something. It may be indicating that there is a need for
you to speak up.
Step 2: What Do I Want?
The next step is to tune into that internal resistance and
get curious. Ask yourself: What’s happening here? Why am I
upset? And, most importantly: What do I want to be
different?
In the examples I shared above in Step 1, ask yourself
what you want in that conversation where your colleague
shares in depth play-by-plays of his remodel decisions.
Perhaps you want them to talk about something else, or
pause for several moments to just be silent. Maybe you
want to be sharing more and you want them to listen.
In the example with your partner, pay attention to the
behavior that bothers you. Perhaps they put too many
paper bags in a drawer so it makes it hard to open, and you
want there to be fewer paper bags. Or, once you slow down
and really feel what’s happening inside of you, you realize
that it has nothing to do with the paper bags. What you
actually want is more of his attention, or you want her to
touch you more and hold your hand when you sit on the
couch.
Because you read about the power of asking yourself,
“What do I want?” earlier in this book, and have been
practicing it, your ability to do this step and uncover what
you really want will come more and more easily to you.
Step 3: I Noticed…
The first two steps are internal preparation for speaking
up. This is the first step when you actually open your mouth
to say something. And that’s when we come out of the gate
swinging, right? Actually, it works much better if you
approach the other person from a curious, neutral stance.
It’s OK to feel upset inside, but if you charge at them with
accusations and hostility, the most natural reaction in the
world is going to be defensiveness and fighting back.
Instead, you can simply point out what you noticed to
enter the conversation:
“I noticed that you share a lot of the details of your
remodel with me…”
“I noticed that you like to put paper bags in that
drawer…”
“I noticed you scheduled eight appointments for Barry
this week and only 3 appointments for me.”
“I noticed I sent an email on Monday and you responded
to me on Friday.”
These are just a few examples among the millions of
things you could notice in your interaction. The purpose is
to bring up the challenging topic directly in a curious
and neutral way. Using the phrase “I notice” removes an
accusatory tone and allows the other person to be more
receptive. Notice how all the examples above are very
specific, and devoid of interpretation or judgment. This is a
key point that is sometimes difficult to remember when
we’re upset about something. Instead, it might come out
like this:
“I noticed that you just go on and on about your remodel
project…”
“I noticed that you always stuff that drawer so full of
paper bags that we don’t need and never use anyway.”
“I noticed that you favor Barry and give him way more
appointments than me.”
“I noticed it takes you way too long to get back to me on
emails.”
Can you see how these are different? They’re loaded with
more frustration, judgment, and blame. You can almost
hear the unspoken part of the sentence that says, “What
the hell is wrong with you?” This tone and language more
often than not creates a defensive reaction in the other
person, or at the very least makes them less open and
receptive to resolving the issue.
Once you’ve broached the subject, then you can get more
information. Why do they do that thing? What happened
that it took so long to respond? What’s their idea of what to
do with the paper bags? Ask questions and try to
understand their model of the world, and why they are
doing what they are doing.
Again, tone is important here. You’re not a prosecutor
cross-examining a witness: “Why did you give more
appointments to Barry? I see. I see. And did you think that
was OK to do such a thing? Has anyone ever accused you of
being a racist?”
Objection your honor!
Our job here is to actually inquire and find out what’s
happening. To see if we can get into their world and gain a
better understanding, and to be open to the possibility that
our knee-jerk interpretation might be slightly inaccurate.
But only slightly, of course. We could never be completely
wrong, could we?
Step 4: Reflect
As you are exploring the situation with the other person,
slow down and pay attention. As you listen, reflect on what
you are hearing to make sure you understand it clearly:
“So, you like to have a lot of paper bags around because
you can use them for garbage or recycling?”
“This remodel is a huge deal for you and your family and
it helps to talk it through with someone, is that right?”
In certain situations, the other person may challenge
what you noticed, stating that didn’t happen. In response,
our urge might be to immediately fire back and provide our
evidence, but this will only entrench the other person
further. Because difficult conversations are not about who
has the accurate facts. They’re really about connecting and
being heard, which is how people positively influence each
other.
Let’s take the example of someone in your office
scheduling more appointments for Barry than for you.
When you say you noticed they scheduled eight for Barry
and three for you, imagine they deny this or have some
explanation. In that case, you’d simply restate their
explanation:
“So, you were just scheduling people as they came in,
with whatever times worked best for them. And you
weren’t paying much attention about if it was with me or
with Barry. Is that right?”
Notice the “is that right?” at the end of several of these
examples. That is a simple, yet very powerful question to
ask. First, it helps you know that you’re accurately
reflecting what they’re saying. If you’re missing key details
or misconstruing what they said, they will say “no.” If you
are accurate, then they will say “yes.” This has them
verbally affirm that you are understanding them, and that
you are getting what they are saying, which causes people
to be more open and receptive in any discussion.
Remember, we all just want to be seen, heard, and
understood.
Step 5: Impact
Now, this is the time you can come in swinging. Finally!
I’m still kidding in the sense that accusations and criticisms
will never influence someone in the long term, or ultimately
feel good to you. But it’s essential to share the impact of
their behavior on you, and your reactions. It’s even more
important to share what you want and work together to
create a powerful agreement that works for you both,
which we cover in the following steps.
If you skip this step and the next two, then you just have a
4-step process that makes you a way more skillful, nice
person. It won’t feel satisfying to have these conversations
because you won’t have fully expressed yourself and the
situation won’t feel resolved.
In order to really speak up for ourselves, we must share
the impact someone’s behavior is having on us. Are you
annoyed? Hurt? Angry? Sad? Disappointed? Feeling
insignificant or unwanted? Then say so. Tell the other
person what happens inside of you when they do X, Y, or Z.
This step trips many people up. When I work with clients,
they’re often with me for the first four steps. It doesn’t
involve revealing much and while it’s a little uncomfortable
to broach a touchy subject, it still feels relatively safe. Still
under control. But this step is where you lose control. You
reveal what is actually happening inside of you. You show
that you are not some perfect, impenetrable being that no
one can get to. Instead, you reveal the truth, and use this
as a powerful force for connection and influence.
Just like with the previous steps, be aware of using
blaming language that makes the other person bad or
wrong. They’re not responsible for your feelings and they
didn’t “make you angry.” In fact, it’s worth getting curious
about yourself, what buttons they pushed inside of you, and
what you may need to address and heal. Instead of
blaming, we want to take responsibility for our feelings and
simply share what is happening. Here are a few examples
to help you get the difference.
“When you put the bags there, I feel agitated. Whenever I
try to open the drawer, bags pop out and fall on the ground.
I get annoyed and don’t like cleaning it up each time.”
“When you go deep into the specific details about your
house model, I have a hard time following what you’re
saying. It feels like too much to me and I lose interest and
feel less connected with you.”
“When I send out an email that requires a response and
you do not respond for days, I feel uncertain about what’s
happening. My mind keeps trying to figure out what’s going
on and why you’re not responding. I feel frustrated and
angry when days go by and I don’t hear back.”
How do you feel reading these examples? Excited?
Neutral? Scared? Do you feel nervous about saying things
like this? These are honest and direct, yet kind ways of
expressing our feelings. Notice how I am taking
responsibility for my own feelings and reactions and not
blaming the other person or calling them names.
It is also important to be congruent in your voice tone,
facial expressions, and body language as you share the
impact they’ve had on you. If you’re frustrated or hurting,
let it show in your voice and body. Sometimes, in an
attempt to soften what we are saying, and not rock the
boat, we smile or use a soft tone while sharing our upset.
This sends a mixed message and confuses everyone. To see
video examples of voice tone and congruence, go to
NotNiceBook.com.
This way of communicating is more vulnerable, and thus
less common. Many people are too scared to speak this
way, so instead they skip this step entirely. Or, they don’t
really reveal themselves, instead choosing to keep the
blame focused on the other person. For example:
“When you put the bags in there it annoys me so much.
You keep way more than we need and it makes no sense to
me why you want to do that.”
“I can’t handle listening to you go on and on about this
remodel any more. You talk so much about it. It’s all you
talk about. You’re obsessed. I’m sick of it.”
“Your response time is terrible. I’m fed up with you not
getting back to me and having such bad communication.
Why don’t you respond more quickly?”
These are definitely forms of speaking up for yourself.
And they might even sound tough and confident. But they
usually do not lead to productive discussions that resolve
problems. They end up pushing the other person away,
creating defensiveness and tension, and failing to
effectively change anyone’s behavior in the long run.
Step 6: Desire
Once you’ve stated the impact, you then move on to
sharing what you actually want. Since you discovered this
in Step 2, it will be a breeze to simply share it out loud.
Unless, of course, you have some shame or judgment about
what you want. Then you’re screwed. No, I’m kidding. Then
it’s just a bit more difficult and requires some willingness
to be uncomfortable.
One desire I had shame and judgment around for years
was wanting attention from women. I wanted them to
notice me, approve of me, be impressed by me, and want to
be with me. However, I imagined if women knew I had this
desire, they would see me as needy, insecure, and
otherwise repulsive. Hence, I either acted aloof or hoped
that if I was charming enough, then women would give me
all the attention I wanted.
Flash forward to my relationship with my wife, and there
are times I’d want her direct attention. I’d want her to be
curious about me, pay attention while I shared something,
and give me her input or feedback.
Instead of sharing this desire, however, I would feel
ashamed of being so “self-absorbed and needy.” I should be
more attentive to her, and demand less for myself. I should
be nicer, right?
No. Less nice. More honest.
Say what you want. Say what you don’t want. Share what
you would like to be different in the situation. Find the
courage to be more direct and vulnerable, and express
what you really want.
“Baby, I notice I’m missing you right now. I would love to
have your attention for just a few minutes. There’s
something I’d like to share with you.”
To relate it to the examples from earlier:
“My preference would be to keep just four or five bags in
that drawer. That way, it would open easily and not spill
out. If you wanted more bags, I would like it if we could
keep them downstairs in the laundry room.”
“I would love to talk with you about more things beyond
the remodel. I’m curious what else is going on in your life. I
would also like to share about what’s going on in my life
and have you listen and ask me questions.”
“I would prefer it if you responded to emails within 24
business hours. I want more communication in our team, as
it helps me know what is going on and feel more
connected.”
How do you react as you read these examples? Does that
level of directness or vulnerability feel edgy or
uncomfortable to you? Good! That’s a sign of increasing
your discomfort-tolerance and growth. For many years I
had a difficult time expressing anything I wanted directly,
for all the nice-person reasons listed earlier in this book.
But if you’re willing to take the risk, and begin
experimenting with taking this step, you might be amazed
at how inaccurate your predictions are. Instead of being
turned off, offended, upset, and withdrawing from you,
people are surprisingly responsive, adaptive, warm, and
loving. I believe this is due to the powerful connecting
nature of this seven-step process. When we follow these
steps, we’re not pushing others away or hiding, we are
openly and courageously expressing ourselves to create
authentic human connection.
Step 7: Powerful Agreement
Saying what you want doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll get
what you want. You’ll often find, however, that simply the
act of bringing something up, asking the other person
questions, and then sharing what you want makes you feel
completely better. In other cases, the behavior is an issue
and each time it happens, you feel angry, hurt, or
frustrated. In these instances, it’s essential to form a
powerful agreement.
I am a huge fan of agreements and I create them with
everyone on my team and all of my clients. Agreements
take things out of the realm of secret expectations in my
head, and turn them into mutually decided actions.
Forming an agreement is simple once you’ve done the
step of sharing what you want. You simply ask the other
person how that sounds to them. Can they agree to do what
you want? Do they have any hesitations or concerns? Do
they want to do something different? The key here is to
create a conversation that aligns everybody so each person
takes ownership moving forward.
If someone agrees to do something, and they chose to do
so because they wanted to, they’re much more likely to do
it. If there is no discussion and they simply agree out of
fear, then they’re much more likely to drag their feet,
resist, “forget,” or otherwise exert their true will.
After stating what you want, follow up with questions to
see if that works for them:
“How does that sound to you?”
“Would you be willing to do it that way?”
“Is there any reason why you wouldn’t want to?”
“Is there anything that might get in the way?”
And then, depending on the situation, I might specifically
use the word “agreement” to highlight that we’re making
an agreement. I personally do this more with team
members, colleagues, and clients, rather than in my
personal life. It seems to fit better there, and seems a little
intense with my wife and friends. Yet I am still creating
agreements with them, I just don’t use that word. To
continue with the three examples we’ve been using
throughout these steps:
This example is involving a spouse or romantic partner:
“My preference would be to keep just four or five bags in
that drawer. That way, it would open easily and not spill
out. If you wanted more bags, I would like if we could keep
them downstairs in the laundry room… How does that
sound to you?”
After they respond, you could say, “Would you want to do
it another way?”
This fully engages them in deciding a solution so they will
take ownership and feel inspired to follow the new plan.
This example involves a colleague at work:
“I would love to talk with you about more things beyond
the remodel. I’m curious what else is going on in your life. I
would also like to share about what’s going on in my life
and have you listen and ask me questions.”
Then I’d wait for a moment to see how they react or
respond.
“How does that sound to you? Would you be open to
that?”
The final example is a work example, and I would be more
likely to make it clear that we are creating a strong
agreement.
“I would prefer it if you responded to emails within 24
business hours. I want more communication in our team, as
it helps me know what is going on and feel more connected.
Is that something you would be able to do?”
Then, even if they said yes, I would ask more questions.
“Does that feel too fast for you?”
“Is there any reason why you wouldn’t be able to do
that?”
The purpose here would be to flush out any hidden
resistance or challenges that might get in the way of them
following through with the agreement. As you become less
nice and a more bold, authentic, powerful leader in your
life you will start to see just how many other people are
overly nice, scared to speak directly, and afraid of your
disapproval.
Then, I would conclude with, “Great. So we can make an
agreement that you will respond to my emails within 24
hours on business days?”
 Approaching any challenging situation or difficult
conversation using this seven-step strategy will radically
increase your ability to speak up. First, it gives you a clear
how-to, which provides a sense of certainty and makes it
easier to take action. Second, following these steps will
generally produce much better outcomes. Even if you don’t
pull off all the steps perfectly, you’ll feel better having
brought up the subject and been able to address a
challenge head on. The more you practice this, the greater
your confidence will become, and the easier it will be to
speak up, thus creating a positive cycle that moves you
forward.
Before we move on to asking for what you want without
guilt, there is one kind of difficult conversation that can be
particularly challenge for recovering nice people. And that
is disagreeing with others. Let’s explore that now.
HOW TO DISAGREE WITH SOMEONE
The quintessential nice person move is to smile, nod, and
say “yes.” Not in an empowering, I say “yes” to life, have
crazy adventures, and face challenges head-on kind of way.
More of the “I’m too uncomfortable to say what I really
think so I’ll just agree” approach.
I used to avoid disagreeing so much that I never did it. I
even had a number of beliefs and philosophies to back me
up. I believed it was wrong to disagree. I thought it was
just people and their egos battling. I told myself I wanted to
be surrounded by “positive people.”
But the truth was I was just very uncomfortable with
disagreement. I disliked any difference in opinion because
this felt like friction and tension, which was the beginning
of conflict, anger, and the destruction of all things good.
I have since upgraded my perception of human
interaction. Disagreement between people is inevitable if
both people are being authentic and honest. It is impossible
for two humans to have the exact same thoughts, feelings,
perceptions, and desires at the exact same time, always.
In short, it’s healthy to disagree with others. Not only do
they not crumble or explode, as you might fear, they
actually end up respecting you more for being honest,
outspoken, and bold.
If, like me, you have spent years not disagreeing, it may
take a little practice. But don’t worry, it’s a relatively easy
skill to pick up, and becomes quickly reinforcing because
you’ll feel so much freer and bolder in all your interactions.
Here are some simple ways to effectively disagree with
others.
Casual Disagreement
When I first decided I was going to give myself permission
to disagree with others and be less nice, I studied how
confident people pulled it off. I was surprised to discover
how casual it could be. It didn’t have to be a dramatic
challenge that lead to a showdown. In fact, it appeared
other people didn’t have my internal rules, and
disagreement was no big deal to them. It was just part of
the normal discourse, and conversation would continue to
flow smoothly afterwards. Here’s an example to make it
clearer:
Them: The biggest thing we have to worry about is the
load that this will put on people’s systems. Right now it’s at
threshold and if we add anything else, it will become totally
worthless.
You: You think so? I think the biggest focus is whether it
can do the things users want. People want function over
speed.
My developer friends will have to excuse my obviously
limited terminology. I dropped out of my Computer Science
major in my junior year of college. Details aside, do you see
how you can simply share an alternative perspective? No
need to push back hard, make a big deal of it, or make
them admit they’re wrong and you’re right. You simply
state your view in a matter of fact, relaxed way. You can do
this with anything, on any topic:
THEM: I like chocolate ice cream. It’s the best flavor. We
should all get chocolate ice cream.
YOU: Ice cream sounds great. I think we should get
strawberry.
Casual disagreement is the most common and most
important kind of disagreement to learn because it is you
simply expressing yourself. You’re sharing what you think,
feel, want, and like. It’s a way of being yourself around
others and letting them get to know who you are. When you
hide this in an attempt to be pleasing or non-offensive,
people are left with the vaguely uneasy feeling that they
don’t really know you. Sure, you’re nice, but who are you
really?
Start practicing casual disagreement whenever you see
the opportunity. You might be surprised, just like I was, at
how little others react. Instead of getting upset and
challenging you, most of the time people don’t even notice
and the conversation and connection flows on.
Playful Disagreement
This is one of my favorite kinds of disagreement. In this
kind, you do point out that you’re disagreeing, but it’s done
in a playful way that maintains rapport between you and
the other person. This one is partially about what you say,
but mostly about how you say it. You indicate you’re not too
serious with your voice and body language.
THEM: That movie was stupid.
YOU: Whaaaat? You didn’t like that movie? I thought it
was great.
THEM: I don’t know… People who are into self-help books
are all just looking for someone else to tell them what to
do. I think it’s kinda sad.
YOU: Yes, those poor, poor, lost, idiotic fools. (Playful
smile) Come on, you really think so? As in any reading
about how to handle any problem is a bad idea?
The beauty of the playful disagreement is it allows you to
clearly disagree with them in a way that reduces tension
and opens up a sincerer discussion. You can use whatever
your style of humor is to come up with the playful side. Be
aware, however, that it must be obvious you are being
playful for this to work effectively. If you are dry and
sarcastic in your response, it won’t connect you with the
other person. Instead, it could come across as derisive or
condescending.
To watch a video about how to use the playful style of
disagreement, go to the book website, NotNiceBook.com.
Direct Disagreement
Sometimes it is important to directly disagree without
being casual or playful about it. We might have to speak up,
say what needs to be said, be direct, and get our point
across. We may have to stop someone from making a bad
decision, stand up for what we believe in, speak out against
oppression, or steer the course of a project or relationship.
Some matters are serious, important, and require us to
disagree, even if it temporarily creates some tension.
When directly disagreeing, there are several important
factors. First and foremost, what is your objective? What is
the outcome you want? Is it to influence a team’s decision?
Is it to make sure something happens in your company, or
your life? Or is it about speaking up against something you
don’t like, such as racism or a narrow-minded philosophy?
Is your goal to make sure they see that they’re wrong and
you’re right?
When disagreeing, it’s very easy to get sucked into this
last arena and have it turn into a battle to win the “I am
right” medal. This rarely works, as most people will never
admit they’re wrong or rapidly change their viewpoint.
Instead, it can be much more empowering and mutually
beneficial to have a “side by side” mindset when it comes to
differing views. Instead of “I’m right and my ideas are
above yours,” or vice versa, our ideas are side by side. My
perspective and opinion is over here and look like this.
Yours is over there and looks like that. And they are
different.
When you eliminate the need to convince the other person
they’re wrong, you instantly become more influential and
persuasive. If you are disagreeing with someone to
influence a decision-maker who’s listening, your impact will
rise exponentially. You can focus on the outcome and the
needs of the larger whole, and make a more compelling
case.
When disagreeing directly, it is essential to be powerful
and congruent in your communication. Now is not the time
to smile, use softeners and qualifiers, and pull out other
people pleasing maneuvers. Now is the time to sound clear,
be an authority, and look people in the eye. It’s OK to be
nervous or have your heart rate increase. That is normal
and expected if it gets tense or the stakes are high. Your
goal is to communicate clearly, even if your heart is beating
fast. And, as with all things, practice leads to mastery.
You will learn more about how to develop this capacity in
yourself in the last part of this book, which is about putting
everything you’re learning into action.
Information Gathering
There is one more kind of disagreement that is valuable,
especially in situations where you’re dealing with someone
who is in a senior position. They might hold some authority
over you due to job title, years of experience, and so on.
Instead of coming in swinging, it can be more effective to
begin your disagreement by simply asking questions about
the process or decision in under scrutiny. As you do this,
the flaws in their thinking or concerns they’ve overlooked
can become obvious.
Here’s an example to illustrate. Let’s say you’re in a
meeting with your boss, who was advised by the director of
marketing to use a particular strategy. You don’t think it’s a
very good strategy, and you also know it will cause
logistical problems. You could say that directly, but if your
boss is sold on the idea, he may simply dismiss your
perspective and order you to proceed. Here’s how you
might use information gathering to challenge the plan:
BOSS: So we’ll go with Todd’s marketing strategy. I need
you to tell your team about it and map out the plan to
execute it with Amar (the sales manager).
YOU: Got it. Can I ask you a question?
BOSS: Sure.
YOU: What’s the length of time we’re planning on using
this strategy?
BOSS: The initial plan is for 6 months. That’s enough time
to begin evaluating results, and we can decide to expand it,
keep it, or kill it.
YOU: Sounds good. And what is the metric for success?
What amount of return would tell us it’s going well?
BOSS: Hmm. An increase in sales by 5% would be good.
YOU: OK, shooting for 5% sales increase. What about the
added cost of the creation and management of all the
promotional materials?
BOSS: What about it?
YOU: Well to do Todd’s strategy we would need two
people on my team dedicated to creating and managing all
the materials. And I’m guessing Amar would need to
increase sales calls and hire another rep, right?
BOSS: Hmm.
YOU: I’m curious about what sales amount would not only
cover all increased costs, but also make enough to make it
worth it.
At this point, you can more directly discuss your
concerns, or keep asking questions that highlight the flaws
in the plan. This method of disagreeing is useful in larger
meetings, when speaking with authority figures, or even
when exploring a plan that your friend or spouse proposes.
The purpose here is not just to persuade. It is information
gathering. Essentially, at first you have some concerns and
disagree with the approach. If you gather information and
it clarifies things and gives you a sense of certainty that the
plan is good, you may change your mind. If you ask the
tough questions and you see that the other person has not
thought everything through, you have opened a door to
express your opinion.
So far the difficult conversations we’ve examined assume
you are dealing with friends, romantic partners, and
colleagues. These are people you are working with, living
with, and with whom you are generally on the same team.
But what about situations where you are forced to deal
with people who are not on your team, people who are
actually actively against you? Let’s discover how you can
handle that now.
BULLIES AND CRITICISM
One major plight of the nice person is to deal with criticism
or bullying. For some people this was an unpleasant
experience from the past that is relegated to the
schoolyard. But for many nice people I’ve spoken with, it
unfortunately continues to this day. They may not be
shoved in the locker room or overtly threatened, but they
do have at least one person in their life who regularly
teases, mocks, or criticizes them.
This kind of treatment is different than the teasing banter
you may do with your friends or a romantic partner. That
kind of teasing involves being connected, and has a playful
give and take quality. You’re both in on the game and
having fun, even though you’re poking each other a bit.
What I’m speaking about here is different. It involves
someone overtly criticizing you, using a harsh voice, calling
you names, mocking you, or otherwise trying to diminish
you and make you feel worthless. Sometimes they even
have a gang of several cronies, so they can get the
attention and approval of others.
If this is not something you experience, good. But if you
are currently experiencing this, then you know exactly
what I’m talking about.
The key to ending this toxic behavior is to first realize
that bullies have a form of “bully-dar.” It’s their special
unconscious form of radar that allows them to select
targets for abuse. They can energetically sense who will
take their criticism without fighting back. In other words,
they pick nice people.
One client in my Unstoppable Confidence Mastermind
was recently struggling with being frequently picked on by
one colleague at work. This co-worker would make snide
remarks, call my client arrogant, and deride or mock the
things he’s interested in and shares with others.
In one of our group calls, he shared one instance when
this colleague picked on him yet again, making fun of what
he said, his voice tone, and how stupid he sounded.
“What did you say to him when he did this?” I asked.
“Well, I had an impulse to tell him off, but I didn’t,” he
replied.
I could have asked him in that moment why he held
himself back, but I already knew the answer. And he
already knew the answer. So, I tried a different tactic.
I asked the group if anyone there never gets picked on.
One group member spoke up right away and said no one
ever bullies him.
“Why do you think that is?” I asked.
“Because they know I’ll fire back. I’ll dish out more than I
take,” he replied confidently.
“Great,” I said, smiling to myself. “Let’s have you model
how you might respond to the criticism.”
The specific scenario involved the bully calling my client
arrogant for being a fan of a particular football team,
among other things. After he shared the details so we could
get a sense of what the bully said, we did a short role play.
And sure enough, the client who never got bullied dished it
out hard and fast. As soon as the bully finished his
statement, he said:
“Whatever, man. You think your team is any better? Give
me a break. You have no idea what you’re talking about.
Get the f**k outta here.”
His tone was dismissive and strong. He definitely wasn’t
taking grief from anybody.
“What did you notice about his response?” I asked my
first client.
 “It was clear and direct,” he replied.
“Was it nice?” I asked.
“Ha, no, definitely not,” he said.
“Yeah, it was definitely not nice. It was…” And in that
moment, I had an insight. I paused for a moment, mid-
sentence, then asked the group, “what’s the opposite of
nice?”
“Powerful,” said the client who doesn’t take any guff.
“Being an asshole,” said the client who gets bullied.
That was it. That explained why he held back, pulled his
punches, and let others bully him. It all became clear in
that instant.
“So, in your model of the world, the opposite of nice is to
be an asshole. And nobody wants to be identified as an
asshole. So, to speak up, to defend yourself, to strongly and
appropriately push back against this guy would make you
an asshole, or in other words, a bad person.”
I paused for just a moment, then continued. “The opposite
of nice is not to be an asshole or mean person. The opposite
of nice is to be bold, direct, authentic, and powerful. It’s
showing up with the energy and strength that’s needed
most in that situation.”
We then went on to do more role-plays where my client
practiced holding nothing back. He practiced speaking with
strength, conviction, and certainty. At first his tone was
timid, hesitant, and soft. Then, as he called it, he decided to
become more “stern.” His tone transformed and his
attitude went from apologetic and fearful to powerful and
dismissive of this bully’s unwarranted criticism.
When dealing with bullies, the most important step to
take is to interrupt the pattern. The old pattern is they
mock and ridicule you, and you passively take it in. Or try
to smile and play along, hoping it will stop tomorrow. Or
you push back in a timid and submissive way, which doesn’t
deter the bully.
Instead, interrupt the pattern. Come back with more
energy and intensity than the bully is expecting. Put your
hand up just as he begins to speak and say in a loud, clear,
commanding tone, “Excuse me, Darren, the adults are
talking. I’m not in the mood for your high school jokes.”
This is so different than anything you’ve probably ever
done, it will scramble the hell out of his circuits. If that
seems too hard or scary to pull off, practice it fifty times
the day before. Say it out loud while you’re making dinner,
shout it in your car.
Each time you leave a situation feeling like the bully got
the best of you, instead of getting stuck in what you should
have done, or how it’s not fair, or feeling helpless, stand up.
I mean literally. Stand up from your chair and move your
body around. Do some jumping jacks or push-ups. Put on
some rock music, or metal, or EDM, or anything else that
reminds you that you have power and juice left in you.
Shake your body out and start saying out loud what you
want to say. Practice it again and again until you wire it
into your nervous system. Until it comes out so fast the
next time you’re with him that you didn’t even consciously
choose to speak up. It just happened.
OK, it’s time for another pause. Take a moment to breath
and notice what you are feeling in your body. You’re
learning tons of ideas and strategies about how to be less
nice and more powerful, expressive, bold, and free. That
can feel exhilarating, and it can also feel scary or
overwhelming. That’s OK too. You’re doing great and you’re
in the exact right place.
If you’re wondering exactly how to apply what you are
learning, begin practicing the exercises or techniques that
are the most relevant to your life. If you want to have more
impact at work and be taken more seriously, practice doing
a certainty rant once a day on your way to work, for
example. Just pick one activity, one action, one thing you
are ready to do, and commit to doing it for the next two
weeks. Remember, it is only through action that we
reinvent ourselves and set ourselves free.
I also want to remind you that at the end of this book, in
Part IV, there is a chapter on taking everything you’re
learning and putting it into action, now. It will guide you
through a step-by-step process of how to build up your
assertiveness and power muscles.
Before we conclude this chapter on speaking up for
yourself, I would like to share one more key area where
speaking up is absolutely essential for fulfilling
relationships and a happy life. And that is the art and the
skill of asking for what you want. Not only how to do it, but
how to release any lingering guilt about asking others for
anything.
 ASKING FOR WHAT YOU WANT
WITHOUT GUILT
Unfortunately, many of us learned that asking for what we
want is bad on some level. When I ask clients about their
early memories around asking, they often have stories of
parents being upset or annoyed with them. I used to judge
these parents in my head–how could they be so insensitive
and cruel? Didn’t they see how they were impacting their
children?
And then I had kids myself. At each stage of my kids’
development, I experience greater compassion for parents
and a deeper humbling of myself. I used to secretly think to
myself: My child will never do this. I’ll never be like that. I’d
handle it way better. Then six months later, or two years
later, when my child is at that stage, I say to myself: Ohhhh,
that’s what was happening for those parents… and I take
yet another superiority medal off my chest.
I have seen why asking often triggered our parents’
disapproval. Because kids ask for anything and everything
all the time. And depending on their age and development,
“ask” is a favorable way to say it. It’s more like demand. Or
screech. And so, despite being a patient and loving dad,
there are times when the rapid-fire demands and
unpleasant situations mount to threshold capacity. Then I
get annoyed. Instead of responding playfully when my son
Zaim demands, “Daddy! Tell me a story!” for the fortieth
time, I sigh, look tired and exasperated and say, “No. I
don’t want to.” No redirection, no alternatives such as
offering to read him a book, just a straight up, exhausted
no.
Perhaps your parents were often exasperated by the
demands of parenting and didn’t have much patience.
Maybe they got even angrier and told you to knock it off,
shut up, and get away from them. Whether it was subtle or
overt, most people got the message that asking is bad. It’s
too much, puts people out, and you’re bad and unlovable
for doing it.
Unfortunately, this is absolutely untrue. Asking is an
essential part of connecting with other humans, and
is actually the most effective way to meet our needs
in relationships. We misinterpreted our parent’s
frustration and personalized it, thinking it was our fault. We
did not understand how demanding life was for our parents
and how Jedi-Zen master they would have to be to not get
upset with us sometimes.
It's time to upgrade our map of relationships yet again.
Why is asking bad? Why do you feel guilty for simply asking
for what you want? Do you fear others will judge your
desire as needy or strange? Do you fear they’ll feel
pressure to say yes and dislike you for it? Or is it just some
vague, unexamined feelings of “badness” that bubble up
whenever you think about asking for what you really want?
In almost all cases, guilt around asking comes down to
poor boundaries. It starts with the idea that we shouldn't
want so much and that other people's needs are more
important than our own. This is one of the primary nice
person strategies to stay small, stay safe, and just give
everyone else what they want so they’ll love us.
Then, we imagine that our request will put undue strain
or burden on someone else. And we imagine they have poor
boundaries as well and don't have the right to decide for
themselves if they want to say yes or no. We fear they’ll feel
pressured to say yes and be upset with us, resenting our
demanding, selfish nature.
So, we either don't ask and try to do it all ourselves, all
the while piling up frustration, and repressed resentment.
Or we consider asking, and feel guilty and bad, making the
whole process painful and unpleasant. Even if we do
muster the will to ask, and the other person says yes, we
feel uneasy, wondering if they’re upset with us or secretly
resent us. We have a hard time letting it in and accepting
what they’re giving us. This can lead to apologizing or over
thanking, neither of which makes anyone feel good.
It's time for a new way. It's time to create a healthy sense
of entitlement and to be better able to take care of your
own needs and self-interest. We will explore this further in
the next chapter, which is all about selfishness. For the
moment, can you see the insanity of the current plan? Can
you see how it only hurts you and doesn't create healthy,
happy, sustainable relationships?
The ideal that you are striving for is noble–to be a giver,
not a taker. In general, giving more than we take in life is a
pattern that creates wealth, great relationships, and
happiness. But giving does not mean only giving and never
receiving. That turns an ideal into an extreme that is
unattainable and unsustainable. If we only give and never
get our needs met, we will soon feel burned out and
resentful. This is true for any human, anywhere, at any
time. It’s just part of the mechanics of the human animal.
In order to truly be a giving, generous, and attentive
person, we must be able to meet our needs and receive
from others. The most effective way to meet our needs
is to ask directly for what we want. Once our needs are
met, or we feel the other person is responsive and cares
about us, we feel energized and motivated to give them
even more.
The key to granting yourself permission to ask for what
you want is to realize the following core truths:
 1. Your needs matter.
2. You must be the greatest advocate of your own needs
(no one else can do that for you).
3. Others actually want to meet your needs.
That last one is usually surprising for many nice people.
They've lived for so long with the stories that wanting and
asking are selfish and repulsive, that they have become
their reality. It can be shocking to realize that it's not
necessarily how people around you think and feel. Let me
share a little story that demonstrates a new reality in which
people want to help you meet your needs.
Project: ULTRA
Last summer I got a surge of motivation and inspiration
and decided I was going to initiate what I now call Project:
ULTRA. It involved completely planning our meals, diet,
shopping list, and store trips. It also involved me waking up
at 3:30a.m. to write this book, then go workout with a
personal trainer from 5:00-6:00a.m., four days per week.
I cooked up the whole scheme one Wednesday afternoon
and approached my wife that evening. She was excited
about the meal plan, and ready to rock on eating super
healthy, home-cooked, wholefood meals. The plan was for
me to get back home before the boys woke up, so there
would be little to no impact on her. So far, so good.
Project: ULTRA began the very next week, and we’ve
been doing it ever since. However, an unanticipated factor
arose within several weeks of kicking off this health
mastery initiative... Reciprocity.
“You're working out four days per week,” she said one
morning as we ate our breakfast of eggs and a mountain of
steamed kale. “I want to go to Barre 3 classes.”
Barre 3 is a group workout class that mixes yoga, Pilates,
and ballet exercises. I went to several with Candace and
was the only man among a sea of beautiful, fit, powerful
women. Whilst they wore skin tight spandex pants and hit
each move to the rhythm of the beat, I flailed around in my
baggy Adidas sweatpants, trying not to fall over. Then I was
sore for three days. That class is no joke.
I want my wife to be happy. I want her to be healthy and
fit and full of energy, and I obviously understand that
having equal workout time is a fair proposition. But, I also
struggled with solo mornings with the boys. Cooking the
breakfast, cleaning up the kitchen, and managing them
both was serious business. Plus, Arman, our one-year-old,
was in a phase of screeching at the top of his lungs if he
didn't get continuous attention.
“Ugh,” I replied. “How many days per week do you want
to go?” I asked.
“Well…” she paused, sensing my increasing resistance, “I
could start with three.”
But I could tell she wanted more, so I asked, “How many
would you really want to do?”
“Five days per week,” she said. Her energy perked up as
she said this. The good husband move was clear. So, I
decided to do it. Not out of niceness, people pleasing, fear,
or obligation to be fair. But because I love her and I want to
help her meet her needs. I know if I do this, and she does
the same for me, then we create an extraordinary
relationship that only gets better over time.
Of course, for the first several weeks of this new
arrangement I made sure to get pouty and irritable when
she'd leave for class in the morning. Not that I wanted to, I
just couldn't help it. I was so miserable and I irrationally
blamed her for my discomfort of having to be with my own
two children by myself for 90 minutes each morning. Oh,
the injustice!
 After two weeks she asked me if we should change the
plan, since I obviously wasn't handling it well. I stuck to my
(mostly) good husband guns though.
“No,” I replied. “This isn't a sign that you need to give
something up. This is a sign that I need to keep growing
and work through whatever is happening that makes me
struggle in the mornings.”
And that's just what I did. I learned how to relax and let
go, how to get in a rhythm with my boys, and still take care
of my own needs like eating and prepping food for work.
Soon the mornings became routine and I ended up enjoying
them more often than not. I felt grateful I got to spend so
much time with my children in the mornings and evenings
each day.
What's the moral of the story? Ask for what you want. The
people around you care and want to support you, even if
they complain and fight you on it sometimes. Stand up for
yourself and ask for what you need, even if there's some
initial friction.
But what if my spouse isn't so good to me? What if he or
she doesn't care about my needs and wouldn't do what you
did? Well, that's a big question with many possible answers.
The simplest might be that you don't really advocate for
yourself because you feel guilty and bad for doing so. As a
result, you compromise in your own mind long before you
ask for a watered-down version of what you originally
wanted. This leads to a bubble of resentment that keeps
you two apart and makes both of you less generous, loving,
giving, and kind than you used to be with each other. Or,
maybe he’s just an “immature bastard,” or she’s a “selfish
bitch.” Who knows?
It doesn’t matter, because this is not about him, or her, or
anyone else. This is about you. You need to start advocating
for yourself and asking for what you want because no one
else will. No one is stopping you because you’re not a
victim of circumstance. You’re the owner of your life, the
captain of your ship, and the mastery of your destiny.
You are the one who decides what is right and what is
wrong for you. You can decide what it means to identify
your own needs and ask for what you want. You can decide
to see it as healthy and mature, and to reject the old ideas
that it’s bad, selfish, mean, or wrong to do so.
The next chapter in this book will give you the insight,
encouragement, and mental rewiring to stop always putting
others first and to start taking care of yourself. You’re
going to learn how to be more selfish in the most healthy,
positive, and mutually beneficial ways, and it will transform
your relationships and your life.
There is just one last thing we need to cover before we
conclude this chapter on speaking up.
 THE COURAGE TO BE REAL
You have just learned dozens of mindset shifts, new models
of relationships, and specific strategies for speaking up for
yourself. Armed with clear tools, you may feel excited to
test them out. Or you may feel terrified, like a young bird at
the edge of the nest, about to see if she can flap her wings
and fly. Regardless, you’re doing great. This process of
breaking out of old nice-person habits and becoming a
bolder, freer, more expressive person is not easy. It’s not for
the faint of heart. It takes practice, commitment, and
courage.
What I’ve discovered, however, is that our ideas of how it
will be when we speak up are often more dramatic than
how it plays out in reality. We imagine a disagreement or
difficult conversation with someone as this intense,
extreme, life-threatening experience. Our nervous systems
start to ramp up, as if we were about to rock climb a sheer
cliff wall with no ropes. One false move and I could
plummet to my death!
Then, when we’re in the moment and choose to step up
and take action, it’s a very different experience. Instead of
a sheer, vertical cliff, it’s more like a steep hill. It’s kind of
hard to walk up it, our legs burn a little, and we get out of
breath. Uncomfortable, but not fatal.
The more you practice speaking up, the more you’ll
realize it’s not as dangerous as you’d thought. You say
things, people respond, and the world rotates. Once in a
while, someone has a strong negative reaction, but it’s
rare. Generally, people don’t seem too bothered by your
increased boldness, and many actually prefer you this way.
And the more you take the risk to speak up, and find the
courage to be real, the better your life gets.
POST SPEAK-UP FREAK-OUT
There is one phenomenon you must be aware of as you
embark on your journey of more boldness and badassery,
and that is the Post Speak-Up Freak-out. The PSF often
occurs immediately after speaking up for yourself. In the
moment itself, you may have been direct, powerful, and
assertive. You may have actually enjoyed your newfound
powers, and even gotten a positive response. But then, on
your drive home… PSF.
You start to review the scenario, playing it from different
angles. You watch and re-watch scenes of the event, like a
football coach who’s watching game footage to spot key
errors. Soon, the high of breaking free and the peace of
being your authentic self in the world starts to turn into
unease, then doubt, then full on freak-out.
That was way too forceful. Did you see Jennifer’s face
when I said that to Charles? She thought I was being so
pushy and whiny. Oh geez, Charles probably thought that
too. Why did I go on and on about that car engine analogy??
They got the point already. I was too forceful. I came across
as desperate. Pathetic. They think I’m so pathetic. They hate
me!
Dates, meetings, conversations with your partner, sharing
more of yourself with friends or family–nothing is safe from
the PSF. It’s all fair game. In fact, it’s helpful to anticipate
this so you know how to interpret it accurately.
The obvious interpretation might be that the voice in your
head is accurate. You did step out of line, go too far, or
otherwise do something to offend others and embarrass
yourself. Or, you could see the truth, that this is total
hogwash buffoonery. This is actually nothing more than
your Safety Police. The part of you that is terrified of taking
risks, being bolder, and revealing who you are in the world.
In fact, it’s terrified of any change, no matter how positive.
Sure, speaking up boldly makes you feel more vital and
fully engaged in life, but it also opens you up to rejection
and other emotional pain. So, your Safety Police causes the
Post Speak-Up Freak-out to try to push you back into line.
In order to develop your assertiveness and strength, it's
essential to see the PSF as just a reaction to stepping
outside your comfort zone. Give little to no attention to the
replays and anxiety that follows. See it just as a part of you
that is trying to get you back into your nice person comfort
zone. Smile and thank it for trying to do its job, and then
move on.
What you said or did wasn't out of line, too far, or
offensive. Even if your mind is telling you this is the case.
Even if it sounds convincing and certain. Because, at this
point your sensors on what is OK to say and do may not be
fully and accurately calibrated. If they were stuck on the
nice-person approval-seeking setting, then anything bold or
authentic is labeled as offensive and bad.
In order to calibrate your sensors and really know if you
were too aggressive or out of line, you will need more
practice. Now is not the time to stop. In fact, you're just
getting started.
So, the next time you speak up for yourself, take bold
action, and step outside your comfort zone, give yourself an
internal high-five. Then, when your Safety Police begins its
PSF, follow this science-based, highly researched medical
protocol:
1. Open up YouTube on your phone or computer.
2. Look up: “Le Freak” by Chic and press play.
3. Dance in your car and sing along!
Aaahh freak out!
Le freak, see'est Chic
Freak out!
Have you heard about the new dance craze?
Listen to us, I'm sure you'll be amazed…
DON’T HOLD BACK
It’s true. Don’t do it. Because when you hold back, stuff
down what wants to come out, and play nice out of fear, you
feel bad. Over time you feel less alive, less engaged, more
resistant, and more resentful. Your energy drains and you
start to feel more tired when you go to work, or spend time
with your partner, or wherever you’re not speaking up.
In the past, you’ve probably been aware of the dangers of
speaking up. You’ve worried about what might happen, and
how people might respond. You’ve focused on the pain of
taking action. But have you ever slowed down to focus on
the pain of not taking action? How do you feel when you
leave a meeting where you were totally silent, and not
because you honestly wanted to be that way? Rather, you
were held back by fear, intimidated, and assuming others
would be upset or judge you for saying what you thought.
What’s it like to hide how you really feel around your
partner, because you don’t want to rock the boat? What
does that do inside of you, day after day, to pretend? How
about smiling and nodding at a party, agreeing and
laughing at all the right times while everyone else does the
talking? All the while, feeling secretly apart from the
group, like you just don’t really fit in. These are just a few
of the thousands of moments in your life that you
experience when you’re held back within the confines of
the nice person.
For me, the pain started small, and eventually became
gargantuan. It was a cocktail of fear, inferiority, shame, and
loneliness. It lead to pent up frustration and anger.
How has it impacted you?
It’s time to turn down the Hold Back-o-Meter. To say what
needs to be said. Or as my coach so tactfully put it in a
recent session with me, “Aziz, what happens when you stop
playing the weenie and start playing big?” I laughed when I
heard her say that, and now that’s on my whiteboard.
I have noticed in my own life, and in the lives of
thousands of people I’ve spoken with over the years, this
interesting phenomenon: when we hold back, we feel
less alive and less engaged. Life loses its color,
excitement, and promise. It becomes repetitive, boring,
confining, and depressing. Whenever you leave an
interaction of any sort, be it in business or your personal
life, notice how you feel. If you feel drained, down, fed up,
frustrated, or otherwise upset, most likely you held back.
You didn’t say what you wanted to say, ask what you
wanted to ask, and act how you wanted to act.
You can then ask yourself, “How did I hold back?” After
you ponder that one for a moment or two, ask yourself,
“What would I have done if I was holding nothing back?”
And then sit back and watch the theater of your mind play
some amazing movies. It might be subtle shifts, such as
interrupting to insert your opinion in a conversation, or
more dramatic shifts, like jumping into that dance floor and
doing some Saturday Night Fever moves. Regardless of
what you see, pay keen attention, for these visions are
guiding you towards your full, authentic, free self.
 CHAPTER 10:

BE MORE SELFISH
If you informally polled 100 people and asked them, “Is
selfishness a good trait? Is it good to be selfish?” I imagine
almost every single person would say, “No. It is not good.”
The word has such a negative connotation that it’s almost
like asking people, “Is it good to be racist?” Everybody
knows that being selfish is bad and wrong. It hurts others,
and it means you’re callous, self-absorbed, just in it for
yourself, cold-hearted, and a jerk.
But I have a different perspective. One that may go
counter to what you learned growing up. It may seem
counter-intuitive at first. But, if you’re willing to let go of
all-or-nothing thinking about purely “good” and “bad”
traits, and ready to examine what really creates healthy
self-esteem, lasting and deep relationships, and true
happiness, then this may be the most liberating chapter
you’ll ever read.
The truth is there is such a thing as negative or
destructive selfishness. This is callously going after what
you want and not giving a damn about how others feel, or
how it impacts them, all so you can have more pleasure for
yourself. Sure, that’s not the best strategy for happiness or
relationship success. And that’s not the kind of selfishness
I’m encouraging here.
What I’m going to suggest is that there are many things
that you could do that would greatly serve you in your life
that might feel selfish. These things would not only enhance
your own well-being, they would also improve your
relationships, career, friendships, and personal fulfillment.
In short, they would be good for you and good for others.
The purpose of this chapter is to help you move towards
the healthier end of the self-interest spectrum so that you
can act on your own behalf. You’ll learn how to become
your own advocate, skilled at taking care of yourself and
meeting your own needs. Rather than making you a self-
absorbed (or “bad”) person, you’ll discover that this allows
you to actually be more loving, generous, and kind. You’ll
end up being able to contribute more to your family,
business, and greater community.
In fact, you’ll discover the surprising secret that being
self-sacrificing doesn’t make you an altruistic, “good”
person. It actually diminishes your energy over time,
causes you pain, and thus hurts those close to you. If you
are depleted and resentful, those you love receive less of
you, even if you try to force yourself to show up and be
nice. Ultimately, acting in your own healthy self-interest
brings you back into balance, where you are taking care of
your own needs, and not passively asking others to do that
for you.
If you, like me, grew up with a million and one messages
that told you advocating for yourself and not always putting
others first is bad, selfish, and wrong, that’s OK. Some
things in this chapter may stretch you, challenge your old
ideas and programming, and push some buttons. I’m going
to ask that you trust me even more and read these
following pages with an open mind.
On the other side of the fear and the judgment is a freer,
expressed, happy, fulfilled, and loving version of you. Let’s
bring them out to play.
Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing
and rightdoing there is a field.
 I’ll meet you there.
When the soul lies down in that grass
the world is too full to talk about.
Rumi
 THE SELFISH
SPECTRUM
First things first, we need to define what selfish means.
According to the dictionary, it means you lack consideration
for others or are concerned chiefly with your own personal
profit or pleasure. So far, that doesn’t sound super great.
But watch this.
Let’s say you want to see movie A and your friend wants
to see movie B. If you advocate for movie A, is that selfish?
If you refuse to see movie B, is that selfish? You may have
an immediate answer to these questions, or it might
depend on the context.
Do we almost always go to the movies I want and rarely to
the movies you want? Did you do something generous for
me earlier that day? Do we go to the movies I want because
I go to the opera with you once per month? Is your movie
choice something I’d kind of dislike, or is it my least
favorite genre in the world?
Now it’s getting more complex. And subjective. Because
the truth is “selfish” is in the eye of the beholder. It’s a
calculation based upon how much each person is giving
and receiving in the relationship, and what is deemed
“fair.” Hence, selfish is not really a simple category that
you’re in or out of. Instead, it’s a spectrum.
 THE SELFISH SPECTRUM
 

On the left side of this spectrum, we have no right to our

self-interest. We always put others and their needs and
wants first. We feel horrible and guilty if we do otherwise.
This can be called self-sacrificing or self-denying.
The complete opposite end of this spectrum is the
disconnected, self-absorbed person who mercilessly
crushes all who oppose his or her will. They’ll get what they
want or there will be hell to pay.
The middle of the spectrum is known as healthy self-
interest. This is where you can take care of yourself when
you need to. You’re able to put your needs first at times,
and you can enjoy some time off without feeling guilty for
not doing enough. You can say no, even if someone’s upset
about it. You can say what you want and need, and you can
finally start enjoying yourself more.
Where do you tend to live? What number on the
spectrum, between one and seven? Most nice people hover
around two–You First, Then Me. They meet their needs only
after they’re sure everyone else is covered. They ask for
what they want only if they think others will want the same
thing.
Under stress they drop down to a 1 (Always You, Never
Me) and completely forgo their own needs, wants, and
desires. They’ll tell themselves something like this: How on
earth could I ask for what I need when it’s obvious he’s
struggling so much. Now is not the time.
Sometimes, they’ll move up to level 3 (Sometimes Me, But
Only If It’s REALLY Important), but only if it’s a big deal.
On rare occasion, an event or experience that is important
to them, they’ll advocate for themselves to go to it. Or, if
they’re reaching the threshold of how much they can give,
they’ll ask for more support. More often than not, however,
they won’t ask directly. Instead, some sort of physical
condition, such as migraines, back pain, or neck pain, will
become so intense that they force the person to slow down
and take care of themselves.
Healthy self-interest exists in the range between level 4
and 5. That may surprise you. Perhaps you see four as a
healthy place to be: Sometimes You, Sometimes Me. I
mean, it seems fair after all. But level 5, Usually Me First,
Then You, that just sounds terrible, doesn’t it? Way too
selfish, bad, and wrong!
Not necessarily. Because being able to identify what you
want and prioritize meeting your needs in a skillful way
allows you to be more loving, generous, and giving than
ever before. The “Usually Me First” means you are
frequently looking inwards to discover what you need and
want, first. You are considering that before you factor in
others’ needs and wants. This prevents the old nice-person
habit of always putting others first and allows you to get
clear on what will help you thrive.
Remember the Project: ULTRA example from the last
chapter where Candace and I were figuring out our
workout schedules?
It began with me getting clear: I want to work out four
times per week, no matter what. It started with a strong,
healthy impulse of self-interest. Me first. I need to do this. I
want this. I’m going to make this happen. Then, from that
place, I began to explore how to make it work for our entire
family. And that’s the key difference between healthy
self-interest and callous selfishness: I consider how
to meet my needs in the most skillful way possible
that serves the greater good.
As I did this, Candace became freer to claim what she
wanted and needed. As I put myself first and was able to
meet my needs, I became able to freely and happily give
generously without resentment. So, when she says she can
work out just three days a week, instead of saying, “Great!
Less work for me,” I say, “Really? How many days would
you really want to work out?” She gets more of what she
wants and so do I.
This is the real secret of being more selfish. It’s moving
up the spectrum to the levels of healthy self-interest so you
can most skillfully meet your needs. As you do so, you
become a much happier, more loving and giving person.
One important note–if you’re a parent, especially of small
children, self-sacrifice seems to be the name of the game.
In many situations with my boys I’m operating at levels two
and three—often putting them first—and that feels good for
me to do right now. That means I make them meals and
snacks, tell stories in the bathroom during dinner time, and
wipe poopy butts whether I want to or not. I do this
because I deeply love them and want to create a secure
sense of attachment and healthy self-esteem. I know that
the more they feel held, respected, and loved at this young
age, the more it will serve them for a lifetime.
Parenting is the long-game. I see it as a spiritual practice
to continually surrender to what is most needed in the
moment and set aside many of my inner child’s personal
preferences. This is what makes me the adult in that
situation.
Yet, the resentment formula still applies (you’ll discover
what that is in just a moment). So here and there I say no
to things I don’t want to do and offer alternatives, so I feel
like I still have some autonomy. I also take time for myself
to process and release any resentment that forms from
giving in this way to prevent it from building up and
causing problems. I take time for myself every morning
between 3:00 – 6:00 a.m. for my spiritual and physical
practices to keep me happy, energized, grateful, and
healthy. So, while I give a lot to my boys, I’m sure to give a
lot to myself too.
 YOUR PRIORITY LIST
In order to move up the spectrum towards more healthy
self-interest, you will need to shift your priorities. To
illustrate this, let’s start with a little story about a client
named Ellie. Pay attention to what elements of her story
may be similar to your own.
Ellie was a highly motivated, successful sales woman who
was well respected in her company. She was married to a
loving husband, and they had two young children under the
age of five. On paper, Ellie’s life was perfect. She had love,
career success, respect, and material wealth. Yet she didn’t
feel relaxed, free, or happy.
She spent much of her time feeling anxious, stressed, and
guilty. Even though she worked a full-time job, she
expected herself to run the household, including shopping,
laundry, cooking and cleaning, as well as taking care of the
kids. In her opinion, the house was never as it “should be”
and she was falling short. At work, she often felt anxious
before meetings with superiors, high profile clients, and
other executives, despite having been in the field for
twenty years. When she spent time with her parents, whom
she described as loving, she felt anxious and couldn’t bear
the idea of them being disappointed with her.
As we explored her world more closely, an interesting
trend began to emerge. Regarding maintaining the
household, she didn’t ask her husband for more help
because she worried about putting more on his plate. She
worried about whether she was being a good enough
mother to her children, and if they were getting everything
they wanted and needed. At work she worried about
whether the high profile clients were satisfied, and if her
superiors felt comfortable in her presence at meetings and
social events.
At first the pattern was subtle to her, almost invisible. But
then she began to see just how pervasive the pattern was:
in virtually every situation in her life, she was
prioritizing others’ needs, wants, and feelings over
her own. Her attention and energy was always focused
outwards—What do they want here? What does he need?
How does she feel about that? Will they be OK here?–and on
and on.
This was based on the unquestioned belief that it was
always right to prioritize other people’s needs. After all,
that is what a good, selfless, altruistic human does, right?
This is the conditioning that most of us received. It can be
compounded in families where ethics and morals are based
in a strong religious foundation, depending on how that
family interprets their faith. In these instances, the dictate
to be selfless is not only good, but to do otherwise is a sin
and reviled by family, community, and God alike. As a little
kid, that’s some serious stuff that you don’t want to mess
around with.
Jesus, Mother Teresa, Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Saint
Francis of Assisi, and countless other spiritual and political
figures are heralded as models of goodness, virtue, and
what a human should be. Meanwhile, overtly greedy and
clearly self-interested politicians, corporate leaders,
bankers, and other people who gain infamy from bending
or breaking rules to enrich their own bank accounts, are
universally seen as bad and how a human should not be.
And so, you may strive to be like those from the first list,
and avoid all actions that push you towards the second. You
let the other person go first, give when it’s hard, act
patiently with demanding people, support others through
their hardships, and turn the other cheek. You act as a good
person should. You appear loving, generous, altruistic,
kind, and good to others. But what happens inside?
It may start small at first, like a few grains of sand that
slip into your shoe as you walk on the beach. Barely
perceptible. It’s a hint of disappointment when your
partner seems to take the meal you prepared for granted.
It’s the minor irritation you feel with your children as they
take forever to get ready in the morning. It’s the slight
sense of emptiness and dissatisfaction you feel as you fall
asleep at the end of a long work day.
Over time, these grains of sand begin to grow into
pebbles that stab at your feet with each step. This
manifests as anxiety, difficulty sleeping, and feeling
depressed. I don’t know why I’m depressed, I should be
happy. Maybe it runs in my family. It must be genetic.
There’s something wrong with my brain chemicals. Your
knee begins acting up again from that old injury from
fifteen years ago and you start having more problems with
your back. Even though you’re loving with your family,
friends, and coworkers, when you’re driving alone and
someone cuts you off, the level of instant rage you feel is
surprisingly powerful and a little disturbing. You sometimes
feel guilty about how angry you secretly get.
This story can go on and the intensity of symptoms and
discomfort can continue to build, all with absolutely no
awareness of what is happening and why. Millions of people
are struggling just like this, and they seek counsel from
their primary care doctor who tells them they have clinical
depression and prescribes them an antidepressant
medication after a twelve-minute consult. The medication
kind of, sort of works, maybe. But maybe they need to
change to a different one, because “sometimes it just takes
a while to find the right one.”
 All the while, they’re missing the true source of their
suffering. It’s a problem with their priorities. When our
needs and wants are habitually and consistently placed as
low or last priority, we’re going to suffer. It’s a recipe for
resentment. In fact, it’s so predictable it’s virtually a
mathematical formula.
THE RESENTMENT FORMULA
After working with thousands of people, it’s become clear
to me that there is a natural formula for resentment in
humans, and it goes something like this.
 
Giving + No Choice About the Matter = Resentment
If we give too much, and feel like we do not have a choice
about the giving, we will feel resentment (which is just
another word for anger). The not having a choice part
seems to be the key factor in the resentment formula.
We can give generously and freely, and do so way more
than we receive in relationships. In fact, that can be an
extremely healthy thing to do and is a key component of
creating extraordinary romantic relationships and deeply
bonded relationships with our children: to give more than
we receive. But, if that giving is done under pressure or
demand, we will start to feel angry.
Often times the pressure is not obvious or overt. It’s not
always the boss yelling at you to “get that report done by
Sunday night dammit!” The pressures are often internal
and based on your own need to please others and be
nice. More specifically, the pressure comes from that
convincing voice in your held that commands you to carry
out your nice-person conditioning. She wants that, so I’ll do
it. I know he likes that and I don’t want to disappoint him.
They’ll be hurt if I say no, so I’d better say yes and go. All of
these pressures to be nice and “do the right thing”
eliminate a sense of autonomy, freedom, and choice. You’ve
given up your sovereignty. You have to do these things. And
this is what creates the resentment.
If your nice-person programming is particularly strong,
then you may not even realize you’re angry. That is not
nice, after all, and therefore remains blocked from your
conscious awareness. But regardless of your awareness of
it, it’s there. Because it’s part of human nature. We resist
pressure, demand, and bondage. Even if we’re outwardly
compliant, our shadow does not go silently into that good
night. It gets fired up, pissed off, and ready to fight.
If you own your shadow and speak up for yourself, then
you can speak about this challenge directly and work
through it quickly in your relationships. If you do not, then
it will manifest as passive aggressive behaviors, distancing
or withdrawing from the other person, secretly judging
them, being internally irritable or blaming them, or
annoyed by minor things such as how they breathe through
their nose or certain faces they make.
If anger is completely taboo for you, then even these
signs of irritation will be blocked out of your awareness by
more powerful defenses, such as feeling anxious or
depressed, having panic attacks, developing chronic pain
conditions such as back or neck pain, repetitive stress
injuries, or a “frozen shoulder” (from sitting at a computer
too much no doubt. This has nothing to do with my feelings.
Nothing I say! It’s all structural, my doctor told me so).
Whether you’re aware of the source of your resentment or
not, you will suffer the consequences. It sucks away your
happiness, peace, and joy in life and leaves you feeling
angry and burnt-out, or sad, anxious, depleted, and
depressed. When you’re struggling in this way, you might
turn to others for help: friends, family, parents, or those in
our community. This may alleviate feelings of loneliness
and isolation and give you some sense of connection.
However, most people in your world may have no idea
about the resentment formula. They may perceive putting
others first as one of your best virtues and encourage you
to “stick with it” and “have faith.” In other words: keep on
going as you always have, try harder, be nicer, and it will all
work itself out. But what if it doesn’t?
Give and Give
“I know I’m going to break up with her,” he said with
certainty. “It’s not a question of ‘if,’ it’s a question of
‘when.’”
I was surprised by his clarity. Many clients I’ve worked
with are often in a more ambivalent, tortured state about
whether to end their romantic relationship.
I was walking in my favorite park near my office, having a
phone session with a highly motivated, insightful man
named Jason. He was in his late thirties and he had been
with his partner for six years.
“You sound clear in yourself about what you want to do,” I
said.
“Yeah,” he agreed in a pained voice. “I’m not looking
forward to it. It’s going to break her heart. When I’ve
hinted about any change in our relationship in the past, it
did not go well at all.”
I asked him about this and he told me about his partner
becoming extremely distraught, crying, and saying, “How
could you do this to me? How could you value us so little?”
and other blaming statements.
And so, he stayed with her. He knew he wanted to move
on, to experience life outside of the relationship, to follow
his heart. There was no doubt about that. He just didn’t
want to hurt her. He loved her deeply and he cared about
her. He didn’t want her to feel so much pain.
He decided to wait for the right time. She was going
through some job challenges and was currently
unemployed. She also had lost some of her friends recently
and he was her main source of social connection. I’ll wait
until she’s got a job and a few friendships, he thought to
himself, then she’ll be able to handle the end of our
relationship.
As the months passed and she continued to struggle to
find work, she eventually cast a wider net for job
opportunities. Soon she received an offer from a company
in another state. He decided to move with her, since he ran
his own business from home and could work from
anywhere. She’ll get set up in this job, make some friends,
get settled into the new city, and be in a much better place.
Then we can break up.
But then the holidays were coming up, and he didn’t want
to do that to her right before the holidays. Then she didn’t
like her new job all that much and was dissatisfied. And
now he was having a conversation with me about it.
Jason was an extremely loving and caring person. I could
feel how much he wanted what was best for his partner,
and how much it pained him when she hurt. I could see
how responsible he felt for her feelings and how much guilt
he experienced. I could also see how unfulfilled he was in
his life, and how much of himself he’d shut down and
hidden in order to make his relationship work. And just
how much his partner’s needs, wants, and feelings
mattered more than his own.
This is the plight of the nice-person: to prioritize others,
be a good person and do the right thing, only to feel
restricted, hollow, angry, and depressed inside, and then to
respond to that pain by giving and prioritizing others even
more, attempting to dig our way out of a hole by digging
further.
You may read Jason’s story and see it as extreme. Or you
may be shaking your head in amazed recognition at how
eerily similar his story sounds to yours. In either case,
we’re all doing the same thing to some degree. We’re all
giving too much and perceiving ourselves as not having a
choice in the matter, whether it’s with our spouse, kids, a
boyfriend or girlfriend, with co-workers, employees, clients,
or a boss. We all feel like there’s certain things we just
have to do.
That is, until we decide to change our priorities. To
change how we approach relationships and other people.
To let go of over-responsibility, unhelpful childhood
programming, and negative ideas about taking care of
ourselves, and step up and take responsibility for ourselves,
our lives, and our happiness. To upgrade our understanding
of relationships to see what actually leads to lasting love
and connection with others, rather than staying stuck in
inner commandments about how we “should be.” Until we
decide to become more selfish.
 YOUR REAL RESPONSIBILITIES
You are responsible for meeting your own needs. This
means being able to uncover what you want and need in a
situation, and then take effective steps to get it. If you want
attention, you decide how you can skillfully ask for it and
receive it. If you want safety or certainty, you protect
yourself or ease your fears. If you want to be touched in a
certain way by your partner, you explore what it is you
really want and ask them for it.
This may sound obvious and simplistic, but many of us
don’t operate as if it were. Instead, we ignore our needs,
desires, and wants or just keep them to ourselves. We
dismiss them as excessive, unnecessary, or burdensome to
others. But this doesn’t make them go away. We give up our
power to meet our own needs, which is one of the
hallmarks of being an adult: the capacity to take care of
ourselves.
As we deny our own needs and wants, we impair our
ability to meet them skillfully and we become more like
young children. We’re unable to ask for what we want and
need. My son, Zaim, who’s three years old, is at the age
now where he will sometimes groan and yell when he’s
upset. We have to guide him to slow down, breathe, and tell
us what he wants. “Can you say what you want, buddy?”
Your parents’ might have used the classic phrase: Use your
words.
In any case, this is what we revert to when we don’t take
responsibility for meeting our own needs. Doing this does
not make you selfless, altruistic, or a “good person.” It
hurts you and greatly impairs your relationships, thus
hurting others. It makes others have to take care of you
more instead of you taking care of yourself, which
ultimately frustrates them and pushes them away.
It’s time to stop secretly hoping that if we’re nice enough
and good enough, our needs will magically be met. That
others will be perceptive and check in with us: “Hi friend,
what do you need today?” While this may happen
occasionally, it usually does not. When it doesn’t, we
become frustrated, hurt, or angry inside. We judge others
as selfish, self-absorbed, or totally clueless. And we feel
powerless.
It’s time to step up and take full responsibility. No one can
care as much about your internal, moment-to-moment
experience as you can. Because they’re not in it. They’re
not in your body, in your mind, and in your heart,
experiencing everything you are. They have their own
internal experience to feel and navigate. You are
responsible for you.
That means deciding, right here and now as you read this
page, that you will shift your priorities and put yourself
first. You no longer confuse self-denial with being a good
person. You see clearly that always putting others first
creates deep resentment, destroys your happiness, and is
unsustainable. And you acknowledge that putting yourself
first allows you to meet your needs in the most skillful way.
This, in turn, increases your happiness, joy, and capacity to
love, so you can give freely and create healthy
relationships.
Many times per day, ask yourself the questions you’ve
learned so far in this book: What do I want? What do I
need? How can I take care of myself? Then, instead of
dismissing the answers, pay attention to them. Come up
with a plan of how to get what you want and meet your
needs. With your newfound powers of bold assertion, you
have a direct route to do exactly that in a skillful and
effective manner.
You just might find that you’re better at uncovering your
needs and meeting them than you realized. This is often the
case with my clients because the main obstacle is simply
the belief that putting yourself first is bad. Once they see
the insanity of the self-denying patterns, and they give
themselves complete permission to take care of themselves,
it becomes easy and natural to do so.
As you follow these steps and take more responsibility,
you’ll let others do the same. As you stop playing the victim
of circumstance, you will stop seeing others as victims.
You’ll think to yourself: I have power and you have power.
Let’s both use it. Thus, by being clear on what you are
really responsible for, you will let go of what you’re not
responsible for.
You’re not responsible for other people’s feelings,
wants, desires, and needs. You do not have to meet
everyone’s needs. You don’t have to do everything that
someone wants you to do. You don’t have to do anything
that someone wants, if it is not right for you. You’re not
responsible for meeting their needs–they are. You doing
something for them is just one possible way for them to
meet their needs. If you say no, then it’s their responsibility
to find a different way.
This last paragraph is worth reading and re-reading many
times. Underline and highlight it. Write out the first few
sentences on a sticky note and put it somewhere you’ll see
it often. It’s a new way of being in the world, a less nice
way, that might take some reinforcement.
When it does, you become free. You’re no longer
controlled by the invisible forces of obligation and guilt.
You reclaim your power and realize you always have choice.
You remember that you are a cause in this world, not an
effect. As a cause, you must get clear on what you want,
and you must claim what you want with clarity, conviction,
and power. Without apology or shame.
 YOU MUST CLAIM
“If a man does not become what he understands,
he does not understand it.”
- Kierkegaard
This is how the typical process works with clients that are
becoming less self-denying and healthier in their self-
interest. First, they’re completely trapped in the nice-
person cage, only vaguely aware of the pain it’s causing
them. They have the occasional thought of, I’m too nice, or I
shouldn’t be so nice all the time, but it passes and they
remain in the same patterns.
Then, as we work together and they see how much pain
nice is causing, and how rooted it is in fear, guilt, and
people-pleasing, they begin to transform their beliefs. They
start to acknowledge that it’s OK to not be nice all the time,
and sometimes you have to put yourself first. So far, so
good.
But then they almost always hit this snag. They
intellectually get that it’s good to act in their self-interest,
and that being overly nice isn’t working. They “understand”
that it’s good to ask for what you want and be direct. But…
I still feel like it’s bad.
I still feel like I’m hurting people.
I still feel like it’s selfish and wrong.
I still feel like people will be upset with me.
I’m mentioning this now because there’s a good chance
that might be happening for you now. First off, whatever
follows the phrase “feel like” is never a feeling.
I feel like you’re hurting me.
I feel like you don’t care about me.
I feel like it’s time to do something about it.
I feel like a sandwich.
 All of those are ideas or beliefs. Except for the sandwich,
that is a thing you can eat. The others are statements of
thought. I think you are hurting me. I believe you don’t
care about me. I think it’s time to do something about it.
The feelings underneath these statements don’t have the
word like in them. They are:
I feel hurt.
I feel rejected and unwanted.
I feel frustrated and determined.
I feel hungry.
Do you see the difference? So, when you understand it
intellectually, but you still feel like it’s bad, guess what?
That means you still believe it’s bad. It means the nice-
person programming is still holding on there, telling you
that it’s not OK to ask for what you want or put yourself
first.
There are two ways to deal with this. The first would be to
re-read this chapter from the beginning. Slow down and
really let yourself see how painful and damaging the nice
patterns can be. If you really understood how much it was
hurting you, then you would reach a pain threshold that
would help push you to the other side. If needed, you can
also go back and re-read Chapter 5 from Part I – “The High
Cost of Nice.”
Secondly, take a few minutes to write out all your
objections. All your “Yeah, buts…” Are you thinking of
certain situations where you just couldn’t possibly put
yourself first? Are you thinking about how your partner, or
colleagues, or friends, would get upset with you if you
acted in your self-interest more? Is your mind cataloging
evidence about why it wouldn’t work if you spoke up?
Write all these objections down and see if you can answer
each one. Perhaps you’ll see that many of them are just
fear. They’re just your Safety Police holding on even tighter.
If you do that, terrible things will happen! Terrible things, I
say! Whatever you do, do NOT open that door! You hear
me?!
In other instances, perhaps you’re seeing yourself as
helpless or powerless. He won’t let me do it. She gets too
emotional if I speak up, so I “have to” keep quiet. It’s her
fault.
This is where you must do the inner work. You must be
more interested in seeing the truth than defending your old
way of being. The truth of what creates happiness, health,
and loving relationships. The truth of what actually works
in life.
Once you have done this, the key is to claim what you
want. Fully and completely, beginning with complete self-
interest.
COMPLETE SELF-INTEREST (CSI)
Do you remember Jason’s story from just a few pages back?
As he agonized over the particulars of exactly how and
when to end his relationship, I could hear a major problem.
He was not in himself. No, I don’t mean this in some
science fiction or astral travel sort of way. Psychologically,
his focal point was his partner, not himself. He was
imagining all of his actions as they would be interpreted
and felt by her. In short, he was missing from the equation.
To bring him back, I re-oriented him to the complete
opposite end of the spectrum.
“Just as an experiment, let’s say you were going to
operate from your own complete self-interest–where every
choice was based entirely on what was easiest, most
desirable, or best sounding to you, regardless of how she
felt–what would you do? What would CSI Jason do?”
He laughed in response to my reference to the cheesy
police show on TV. This question gave him permission to go
inward and find out what he really wanted. It helped him
step out of his old perspective, in which his actions were
always guided by what he thought others wanted.
“I would wait three weeks until after the holidays, then I
would end the relationship. I wouldn’t go on the trip we
had planned. I’d rent myself an AirBnB so I could get away
after having the breakup conversation. Then I’d come back
a week later and start moving all my stuff out.”
In that moment, everything shifted. His voice tone was
completely different. The hesitancy, uncertainty, and long
pauses were gone. His pitch was even deeper. He was
reconnected with himself, his desire, and his power. He was
back in.
But isn’t this bad, selfish, wrong, and inconsiderate? This
is what Jason had been telling himself for years. This is
what you may be telling yourself every day. Unfortunately,
it’s a misguided attempt at being a noble, “good” human
being. In fact, it’s actually rooted in fear and makes you
even more selfish. Here’s how:
Jason is focused on keeping his partner happy and
remaining in the relationship because he does not want her
to feel pain, right? In reality, he does not want to feel pain.
In fact, when she’s hurting he feels not only pain, but a
particularly intense form of shame. As we explored this
more, it turned out his shame was telling him he failed at
taking away all her pain and making her feel happy. She
had a rough life growing up, and he felt it was his
responsibility to show her that the world was a good place,
that men could be trusted, and that she could finally feel
happy with him. So, when he no longer wants to be with
her, he is failing her, and he isn’t a good enough man.
If she totally lost it after their breakup and went into a
spiral of addiction, his guilt and shame would only intensify.
He was scared of those feelings. He was also scared of her
being angry at him, and judging him as a bad or selfish
man. He was afraid of her friends thinking negatively of
him, and them discussing how bad and selfish he is over
brunch. Who is all this really about? Her or him? Who is he
really most focused on?
The truth is he is already causing her pain in the
relationship. No matter how much he thinks he’s hiding his
discontent and playing the role of happy boyfriend, she
feels that something is off. In general, women are more
perceptive, intuitive, and emotionally aware than men. If
something’s off, they feel it. Even if they don’t think about
it consciously. Who knows how much her dissatisfaction in
her friendships, job, and life are the result of her partner
not really loving her for who she is?
And that’s just short-term pain. In the long-term, delaying
the breakup is one of the most painful things to do to
someone you love. Those two, or three, or ten years that
you are just biding your time and planning your escape are
years lost for you both. Jason’s girlfriend could be building
a new relationship with someone who’s a better fit. The
longer he waits, the more pain is created.
In most cases trying to be nice and pleasing people
are just self-focused ways to avoid fear and
discomfort. They provide short-term relief for us, but
long-term pain in others.
I saw this play out dozens of times in my own dating life. I
would be warm, enthusiastic, and totally interested in
everything she shared. I would be affirming, positive, and
upbeat. I did this because I wanted her to feel good. Or so I
thought. In truth, I also did this so she would like me, and
so I could think of myself as a “good person.”
Being this way with someone isn’t necessarily bad, if it’s
authentic. But I would portray this energy, even if I didn’t
fully believe it myself. Because I had to, in order to be a
good person and to get her to like me, remember? This
would continue for weeks, sometimes months. I was the
perfect guy. I made her feel deeply loved, special, and
maybe like she was the one.
And then I’d leave. Often quickly and abruptly, with no
solid explanation to satisfy her confused mind, let alone her
aching heart. I know I caused many of these women great
pain. I’m sure many of them asked themselves questions
like: It was so good, what happened? What did I do wrong?
Did I not see something? For some it may have undermined
their sense of trust in men–can I really believe what he is
portraying?
 It took me many years to learn what you are learning in
this book, to see that becoming clear on what I actually
want, and then directly sharing that with others is
beneficial. That looking at a situation with Complete Self-
Interest helps me know where I stand so I can fully engage
in a relationship with someone that is mutually rewarding.
Paradoxically, the more you come from this place, the more
you are able to freely decide when and how much you want
to give. You will end up being more loving, generous, and
giving than you ever were as a struggling nice person.
HURTING VERSUS HARMING
Yes, but isn’t it bad to hurt people? And when you tell your
boyfriend you don’t want to be with him anymore, that’s
hurting him. Or if you change the subject when someone’s
talking, that’s hurting their feelings. They’ll feel dismissed
and ignored. They’ll think you’re not interested (which
you’re not) and then they’ll think that they’re not an
interesting enough person. They’ll feel bad, and you did it
to them. You hurt them, and that’s bad.
As I write this line of thinking, which you’ve most likely
experienced, I am smiling. I can almost see the upset
mother or school teacher bending down at the waist,
emphasizing the “you’re bad” message with an upright
index finger. Can you hear the childhood nice person
programming?
Don’t do X because then you’re bad. Anytime you have
that thought, it’s a glaring light on your dashboard to slow
down and check your engine. There’s something not right
going on under the hood (a.k.a. in your brains). When our
minds tell us that something is “bad” we immediately stop,
as if it were an electric fence. Or an electric chair. It’s not.
It’s just the pain and shame that you felt while being
criticized or shamed by a parent, or teacher, or some other
authority when you were young. It may not be accurate,
based on your values, or even real.
The fear of hurting someone is an example of childhood
nice programming gone awry. The reality is that life is full
of pain. Physical and emotional pain cannot be avoided no
matter how hard you try. Hurt is nothing more than a word
to describe feeling pain. I stubbed my toe and my foot hurt
(physical pain). He called me stupid and I felt hurt
(emotional pain).
 No matter what you do, people around you are going to
feel hurt. And much of the time it has nothing to do with
what you did or didn’t do. It’s all about the other person’s
ideas, beliefs, rules, and past wounds. If Aunt Linda made a
lovely meal for you and you said, “gosh, Aunt Linda, what a
lovely meal. Thank you.” Guess what? She could still be
hurt. Because while you thanked her for the meal, you
didn’t ask for seconds. Instead, she saw you eating some
desert later and she thought, “If he was still hungry, why
didn’t he eat more of my meal? It must have not been that
good, he was just saying that. I’m a terrible cook.” Is that
your responsibility? Are you somehow to know that and fix
her distorted beliefs? Should you ask for seconds at every
meal served to you from now on, just to be safe?
When Jason breaks up with his girlfriend, she will feel
great pain, I’m sure. She will feel hurt. But that is not
Jason’s job to prevent. He can’t prevent all pain in her, or
even in himself. His job is to get clear on what he truly
wants, and to communicate this with directness,
compassion, and love. In fact, the more direct, the better. If
he dilutes his message and implies that he’s unhappy but
maybe they can work it out, she now has false hope that
drags out the pain even longer.
People will feel pain, disappointment, and hurt around
you. Your beloved spouse and innocent children will feel
hurt too. I’m sorry, it is just the way of things on this
planet.
This kind of pain, however, is very different than
intentional harm. Harm is when someone is feeling pain or
anger themselves, and decides to act on an impulse to
intentionally cause pain in another. Obvious examples of
this are physical violence, verbally attacking someone’s
character, or abuse. These are forms of harm and are
signals for you to leave the situation. If you are the
perpetrator of these acts, they are signals that you need
help now to heal whatever is going on inside. More
common, everyday examples of harming others include
saying that biting and critical comment even though you
know it’s not true, but you just want to get back at
someone. It’s losing it and yelling at your kid for doing
something small that you know isn’t a big deal.
These are things that we all might do from time to time,
and are indications that we are still growing, healing, and
evolving ourselves. They are reminders to continue
developing patience, non-reactivity, and our capacity to
love more unconditionally.
In short, if you harm someone, do more inner work. If
someone around you feels hurt when you clarify what you
want and speak your truth, that is a sign for them to do
their inner work.
FULL PERMISSION
Once you have identified what you truly want and asked for
it directly, you might find that you get it. Hurray! Well,
maybe. Many recovering nice people, myself included, can
have difficulty receiving. Whether it’s some time for
yourself, going to the restaurant you want, or your partner
touching you in that new and exciting way you asked for, it
can be hard to relax and enjoy yourself. Instead, your mind
might become active with worry, and you may feel guilt or
anxiety.
Is this really OK? Do they really want to be here? Are they
upset with me right now? Are they enjoying this too, or is it
all just for me? These thoughts, and many others can cloud
your mind and prevent you from really enjoying the
experience. They seem to be a normal part of the Boldness
Training process and diminish over time. They are a sign
that you have not fully bought into the idea that it’s OK to
ask for what you want and to act in your healthy self-
interest.
They could also be a sign that you don’t say no very much,
so you assume others don’t as well. The more relaxed and
capable you become with saying no, the more you trust
others will do the same. This helps you know that if they
granted your request, it’s because they wanted to. If it was
because they were scared to say no, that’s on them, and
they have some inner work to do. We will transform your
relationship with “no” in the next chapter so you can easily
and calmly decline anything you want.
In the meantime, give yourself full permission to receive
and enjoy. While the fear, doubt, and guilt may still pop up,
do your best to ignore them. Instead of feeding them with
your attention, simply dismiss them as signs of remaining
over-niceness leaving your body. Then, bring your attention
fully into the present.
If you’re spending some cherished time alone, see what
sounds delightful to do. Watch that movie that your partner
would never want to go see. Go for a run. Eat your favorite
kind of food. Speaking of food, if you’re at the restaurant
and wondering if your friend really wants to be here, or just
said yes to please you, bring yourself out of your mind and
into the moment. What is the restaurant like? What is the
atmosphere, the sounds, the smells? Why do you love this
place? Pay attention to your friend. How is she doing?
What’s going on in her life? And if you’re so fortunate as to
be receiving that new touch you requested from your
partner... tune in to your body, my friend, because you don’t
want to miss out on that one. What does it feel like? Bring
your attention to the physical sensations, sounds, and
pleasure of being touched how you like.
You deserve this. It’s OK to receive. People love you and
want to support you and help you meet your needs. You’re
not bad. You’re beautiful.
“You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.”
- Mary Oliver
IT WILL BE MESSY
I considered titling this section, “There Will Be Blood” after
the epic Daniel Day-Lewis drama about a brutal oil tycoon,
but that’s taking it a little too far. When you become more
selfish, it can be messy, I promise you that. There will be
feelings. People around you might have feelings. They may
feel upset, angry, or hurt. You may feel upset, angry, or
hurt. Or guilty and bad about yourself.
At this point, you might be thinking: Wow, Aziz. That
sounds delightful. Sign me up!
But it’s the only way. The only way out is through. Human
relationships are inherently messy. People have all kinds of
feelings. These are not signs that we’re doing something
wrong. In fact, they may be signs that you’re doing exactly
what you need to do.
Quite recently I had a messy experience taking care of
myself and claiming what I needed. Late last summer my
family and I traveled down to Monterey, California, for a
week-long vacation. It was the first time we’d flown with
two little boys, who were ten-months and two-and-a-half-
years-old at the time. Chaos. Packing, food prep, rental
cars, non-baby proofed rental house with grandparents, the
works. Quite far from your sit-on-the-beach-for-hours-and-
watch-the-sunset kind of vacation. But it was beautiful and
sweet, too. So many magic moments of being on the beach,
playing in parks, going to the aquarium, and time with
family. It was an exhausting, full, heart-achingly lovely
experience.
Within several days of returning home, we needed to
decide our plans for Thanksgiving because it involved
purchasing plane tickets. In years past, my family gathered
in Los Angeles, California. I enjoyed seeing my cousins,
aunts, uncles, and having a chance to spend time with my
brother and parents. But doing the entire family plane ride
trip again, with all the accommodations, food planning, car
renting, and all the rest sounded terrible.
So, I asked myself, “What do I want?” Gasp! This is
already becoming quite selfish. You can’t ask that sort of
thing about holidays. But ask I did, and I discovered I didn’t
want a family trip. Well, part of me did. Moments sounded
fun. But a larger part of me wanted to split up the
weekend. Spend two days at home with Candace and the
boys, then spend two days in Los Angeles with my extended
family. Solo.
Using the techniques from the previous chapter, I spoke
up for myself and talked about what I wanted. In the
moment, Candace agreed quite easily and I purchased the
plane ticket. I texted my cousins to get ready for a 2-day
binge on Magic: The Gathering. I was excited.
Then, about one week before my trip, Candace became
more fully aware of what she agreed to. She felt sad about
missing out on time with family, and hurt that I didn’t want
to bring everyone along. She also felt upset about me
having two days of care-free gallivanting about, Magic
cards in hand, whilst she pulled a super long two-day solo-
parent shift.
THERE WILL BE BLOOD!! No, but there will be feelings.
And my brain and nervous system can react as if something
terrible is happening and I need to fix it now, now, now.
Candace voiced her upset and was clearly feeling hurt and
angry with me. I attempted to empathize with her and not
defend my choice or try to talk her out of her feelings. I’d
give myself about a “B-” though. Because the moment she
expressed her hurt and upset, I was slammed with a wave
of guilt and shame. My nice guy programming rushed in
hard and fast to tell me what a bad person I was for
ditching my poor wife and abandoning my children. Selfish
monster!
Then it would pull this little number, which you might be
familiar with. It started cycling through all the people I
know, and what they would think about the situation. Of
course, since this fantasy is just a form of my own guilt and
self-criticism projected onto others, they all agree that it’s a
terrible thing to do. They all shake their heads and cluck
their tongues, murmuring amongst each other what a bad
husband and father I am.
That wave of guilt and shame made me much less able to
be fully present with Candace, tolerate her feelings, and
lovingly be with her as she struggled. I tried though, and
was sort of able to. Hence the “B-”. In any case, it turned
into a fight. Not the yelling and screaming kind of fight, we
don’t ever have those. More like a calm but painful
discussion.
Later that day, as I was paying attention to my feelings
and working through them, I remembered the men’s group
I used to be a part of. I slowed down and imagined being in
the room where we met each Tuesday night for years,
retraining ourselves to be more clear, powerful, loving men.
I imagined what each of them would say.
As I did so, my nervous system instantly calmed down.
The wisdom of that group infused my body as I began
hearing the messages I learned from them. I heard things
like:
“Yeah, I hear you. That’s a tough call. I wouldn’t know
what to do. I know most of my life I would just not even
question it, go as a family, and then be upset and resentful
about it.”
“You are an amazing father and husband. You give so
much of yourself. You also have to take care of yourself.
Sometimes that is really hard to do.”
“Whoa, that’s intense. That makes me uncomfortable just
to think about it. I wouldn’t do that personally. Good for
you, though.”
I could also imagine Elliot, the leader of the group, saying
something like this: “Of course she has feelings about it.
She loves you. She wants to be with you. And you’re not
responsible to feel all her feelings for her. You’re
responsible for you and your feelings. She’s not a fragile
broken creature. She’s a strong and powerful woman, and
she can handle it. And... it’s a lot to ask. You may need to
make it up to her. Help her do things that support her and
help her have more of what she wants.”
Then, I had clarity. I was able to release the guilt and self-
attack and fully give myself permission to take care of
myself. I no longer needed to defend my decision or my
right to choose something that was for me. It was OK. I was
OK.
Now I could give more spacious and relaxed attention to
Candace. I could hear about her feelings of sadness and
loneliness, which pre-date our relationship and stem from
her childhood. I could hear stories, and see her cry. I could
hold her and love her in her sadness, pain, and anger. And
so, I did.
The next morning after our fight, I greeted her with a big
hug and an apology. I told her how much I loved her and
how sweet and beautiful and tender she is. How much I
wanted to support her and love her no matter what she’s
feeling. These words were combined with a deep, attentive
presence that she instantly felt. Of course, I was promptly
ambushed by an insane three-year-old dressed head to toe
in a dinosaur-covered tracksuit. It wasn’t until later that
morning that we could actually have a more in-depth
conversation, but by then the energy had shifted and
harmony had been restored.
What do you notice in yourself as you read this story? Do
you feel envious? Upset? Uncomfortable? Does part of you
judge me for doing this? Notice your reactions because
they will reveal a great deal about your own experience of
taking care of yourself. Maybe part of you longs to be freer
to take care of yourself and put yourself first sometimes,
but the messiness and internal guilt of it make it feel too
daunting to try.
If so, here is one thing that may greatly help you on your
path. For many years I continually strove to be some sort of
superhuman. The kind of person who was always kind,
always loving, always generous. Able to give endlessly, be
good-natured, always upbeat, never angry or irritable or
sad, or anything else “negative.” I demanded that of myself
and I attempted to be that way in all my relationships. And
guess what? I never made it. I was never able to actually be
that perfect person, that saintly figure.
What ended up happening is I would act that way and
pretend to be that way, but inside I’d have all kinds of
conflicting feelings. I would feel sad, resentful, or burned
out. I wouldn’t want to do something, but I’d do it anyway.
And when I didn’t feel happy about it, I’d internally beat
the crap out of myself for being a “bad, selfish guy.”
As far as I can tell, it doesn’t work. It doesn’t transform
you into some kind of superhuman. It burns you out and
wears you down. It makes you tired, anxious, and
depressed. And so, I decided some years back that I was
not going to do that to myself any more. I am good in many
ways, and even great in some, but I’m definitely not
perfect. I’m not completely selfless, completely generous,
and completely loving all the time. I stopped trying to be
and appear perfect, and started being honest,
authentic, and real.
While it was terrifying at first, because I was convinced I
had to be perfect in order to be loved, over time nothing
bad happened. In fact, I became a lot less resentful, upset,
and full of inner turmoil. Aches, pains, and bodily
symptoms started to disappear. Relationships went from
feeling like a restrictive cage to something that enhanced
the quality of my life. In short, it was good.
To come full circle and conclude the Thanksgiving saga, I
want to share one last piece of that story. I went down to
L.A. and hung out with my parents, brother, cousins, and
extended family. And guess what? It was OK. To be honest,
I missed my wife and boys a ton. My heart ached most of
my waking hours for the two days that I was there, and I
wished I had brought them. Getting what we want doesn’t
always feel amazing, apparently. But asking for it, and
claiming it, keeps us sane.
And now I know. Next year I plan to bring the whole gang
with me, rental car, child seats, and all. Or maybe we’ll all
just stay close to home and keep it simple. All I know is
we’ll be together, and it will be awesome.
 THE SELFISH ALGORITHM
(A.K.A. “GOOD PERSON”
ALGORITHM)
So far you’ve learned two breakthrough ideas about
selfishness. First, it’s in the eye of the beholder–whether
something is deemed “selfish” varies based on who’s
deciding. Second, after years of excessive niceness, your
sensors may be a little off. You might not be the best judge
of what is selfish, and tend to conclude that any act of self-
interest is too much and “bad.”
Enter the Selfish Algorithm. (Insert theme music here.)
This is a formula I created after my bloody, err, messy
Thanksgiving experience. It is a series of questions you can
ask yourself to determine if something is self-denying, in
your healthy self-interest, or indeed too much to ask for.
Think of it as a re-calibration process to go through until
you return to your natural sense of healthy self-interest.
Simply ask yourself the series of questions below to
determine if something is too selfish or not. First, we’ll just
go through the questions, then I’ll give you some examples
so you can see exactly how it works. Then you can try it
using a situation in your life.
1. What Do I Want?
Pretty standard, you are quite familiar with this question
by now. Yet it is the place we must always start from.
What exactly do you want? If you were operating from
complete self-interest, what would it be? Do not water it
down or compromise yet. Start with what you truly want.
2. How much do I want this?
On a scale of 1-10, rate how strongly you want this. How
important is it to you? How strong is the desire? 1 being
minimal and 10 being strong.
3. What needs of mine am I trying to meet?
Remember the six human needs? Certainty, variety,
significance, love/connection, growth, and contribution.
Which of these needs are you trying to meet? If you notice
that trying to please others or avoiding conflict is driving
you (a.k.a. certainty/safety, trying to preserve
connection), make a note of that.
4. How will this impact the other person?
Determine what the other person might feel and
experience as a result of your actions. Then on a scale of
1-10, rate how strong the impact will be, 1 being minimal
impact, 10 being high impact with burden or cost
associated to it.
5. How can other people meet their needs and get
support?
Get creative and think of other ways that the people
you’re impacting can get the help or support they need.
How else could they meet their needs if you don’t do it for
them?
6. Are there any other ways to meet my needs?
Similarly, get creative about how else you might meet
your needs. Are there other ways to do it beyond what
you came up with in question 1?
Let’s take the Thanksgiving example to illustrate how to
use the Selfish Algorithm.
1. What Do I Want?
I want to spend time with cousins, my brother, and other
extended family. I don’t want the effort of flying with and
managing kids, and I want some adult time.
2. How much do I want this?
I really want this, and the need feels strong, so I give it an
8 out of 10.
 3. What needs of mine am I trying to meet?
Variety - time away from kids, playing games with cousins
and Tariq (my brother).
Love/Connection - spend quality time with Tariq,
connection with extended family.
4. What will be the impact on the other person?
Candace feels lonely and left out. She also experiences
several days of solo parenting and increased demand.
Impact is 8 out of 10.
Here are a few tips on answering questions 1-4. First,
don’t water down number 2. If you have a habit of
discounting your own desires and only letting them be
strong if you are certain everyone would support you, pay
attention. Notice how much you want this, and how
important it is to you. Set aside judgment or what you
“should” want.
Similarly, when it comes to question 4, pay close
attention. Old patterns of niceness may make you imagine
negative impacts where none exist. You might create a
fantasy of how someone will react, without actually finding
out the true impact. In addition, it’s easy to exaggerate the
size of the impact, imagining your friend will be utterly
crushed if you decide to not attend their dinner party, for
example.
In short, slow down and be aware as you do this exercise.
The purpose is to examine years of conditioned thinking
and see clearly what is really happening.
Also, note that if your desire is higher and the impact on
others is lower, then in most cases it would be optimal for
you to take action to go after what you want. This is healthy
self-interest. Habitually denying this will lead to passivity
and resentment while frequently acting on your desire will
bring energy, power, freedom, and a more loving and
generous disposition. Let’s continue on now to look at
questions 5-6.
5. How can other people meet their needs and get
support?
When I travel for work, I ask myself this question about
Candace and our boys. There are often other ways she can
get some help with parenting, ranging from my parents
being in town to a nanny, so she can have a few breaks,
take a shower, and otherwise be an autonomous human. In
the Thanksgiving situation, because it was a holiday
weekend, no help was available and friends were all busy.
6. Are there any other ways to meet my needs?
One of my major draws to fly down to L.A. was to spend
time with my brother. Another possible way to meet the
need for connection would be to schedule an extended
phone call with him. I was also craving some sort of variety.
Other ways I could meet this need overall in my life would
be to challenge myself, grow, get crazy with my kids, and
take risks in life.
So, what’s the verdict? To go or not to go? After running it
through the Selfish Algorithm, my decision would be to not
go. Or to change my plans and fly down as a family. This is
primarily because my desire to go and the impact on
Candace were the same level of intensity. That, in addition
to the fact that she didn’t have support while I was gone,
and I could meet one of my core needs of connection with
my brother in a different way.
Now it’s your turn. What is a situation where you struggle
to make a decision? Perhaps a situation where you judge
yourself as selfish and don’t even examine what you want,
let alone ask for it. Practice going through the Selfish
Algorithm now to see what insights you have about your
current situation, and how you decide things for yourself in
general. Over time you will start to ask yourself these
questions without having to sit down and formally go
through this process. Your ability to discover your own
healthy self-interest and act on it while supporting and
respecting others will grow, as will your trust in yourself
that what you are doing is truly beneficial for all.
X-RAY VISION
One of the biggest obstacles to acting in our healthy self-
interest is simply the discomfort of doing so. Most nice
people, I’ve discovered, tend to be sensitive humans. I
myself am very sensitive, a term I used to find mildly
offensive as a man. Early in our relationship, my wife would
occasionally comment on my sensitivity and I’d take it as an
insult. She had to clarify, on several occasions, that she was
actually complimenting me. Unconvinced, I looked the
word up and found it simply means being more responsive
to the environment, which definitely describes me. It may
describe you as well.
This means you have the capacity to see into others,
hence the title of this section. While a less sensitive person
may speak with someone and move on, oblivious to that
person’s emotional state, you might be the opposite. You
may be able to see someone is sad as you speak with them,
even if they’re trying to hide it. You can also pick up on
anxiety, anger, hurt, and other feelings in others.
What you notice in others might impact your own
emotional state. If you can see the sadness in someone
else, you may start to feel their sadness. This is what some
people refer to as being an “empath” or “highly sensitive
person.”5
Thus, being a sensitive person can make acting in your
self-interest challenging, especially if someone else feels
disappointed or sad as a result. You feel their
disappointment so strongly that it can be hard to stay
aware of yourself and what you need. The boundaries
between you and them start to blur.
But boundaries are exactly what you need to help you in
this situation. You can start by using what you learned in
the boundaries chapter, especially around letting go of
over-responsibility. In addition, be sure to practice the
Peace Process and Energy Bubble meditations. These can
help you create space between you and other people.
And, most importantly, do not stop. Just because the other
person feels pain, or you feel discomfort, does not mean
something has gone wrong. It does not even mean you
should change your mind and do whatever you need to in
order to smooth things over. Stay the course. Set your
sights for healthy self-interest and take small strides
towards your target. If you experience a wave of empathic
suffering or guilt, return to this book and use it as an
affirming guide to keep you on the path. Trust me, it does
get easier.
Even though I’m still a sensitive person, I have more
choice around how to use those abilities now. I can use it to
tune into the emotions of clients, my wife, children, and
those I connect with to serve them more powerfully. I can
also wave my hand, say “Whatever, they’ll be fine,” and
dismiss a guilty thought or impulse to take responsibility
for others. And this often helps me let go and move on.
Except when it doesn’t. Then I have more inner work to do
as I head due north towards healthier self-interest.

5. To read more about this topic, I highly recommend the author Judith Orloff,
MD. Her book The Empath’s Suvrival Guide is full of practical tools to help
manage sensitivity.
DEATH OR JUST DISCOMFORT?
A big part of the intense guilt and uneasiness that occurs
when we’re putting ourselves first is the fear that it is
going to lead to the death of the relationship. Our nice
programming taught us this little chain of logic: If you put
yourself first (and others have negative feelings about it),
then you’re selfish. If you’re selfish, then you’re bad. If
you’re bad, then you’re not worthy of love and belonging
until you “shape up” and “do the right thing” (i.e. become
less selfish and put others first).
When we act against these dictates, a young part of our
minds activates with fear and anxiety. Remember our brief
discussion about attachment styles earlier in this book?
Basically, part of us fears we’re going to lose connection
with other people and end up being isolated and alone.
Thus, acting in our self-interest will lead to the death of the
relationship.
But is this really true? Will it lead to death, or just
discomfort? Most of the time we never test it to find out
what actually happens. As with most things in life, our fear
and anticipation of terrible things is worse than what really
occurs when we face fear and take action. Perhaps another
person does get upset at something you say or do. Maybe
they even get fired up and say something critical, or storm
out of the room in a huff.
This is the moment of truth. This is when your mind will
want to race at 300 miles per hour, predicting the end of
the world and life as you know it. You’re fired, dumped,
friendless, penniless, and on death’s door. Panic. Freeze.
Run after them and say whatever you need in order to
make their upset (and your discomfort) go away.
Or, pause. Breathe slowly in and slowly out. Notice the
fear, panic, and restless energy in your body. Notice the
dramatic stories and wild predictions of terrible futures.
Stay right here in this moment. It’s just discomfort.
Your capacity to tolerate discomfort is one of the most
valuable muscles you could ever develop. It will not only
break you out of the cage of niceness into freedom,
authenticity, and confidence, it will also help you get
anything you want in life. Any skill, any level of career
success, and even the best relationship of your life–it all
comes back to your ability to tolerate discomfort. This is
such a liberating insight, we’ll speak more about it in the
next part of this book.
But first we must highlight one last area where more
selfishness is good–sex. Oh, yes. About time we got a little
spice up in here. While I can’t promise you a graphic
romance novel-style sex scene, I can show you how healthy
self-interest will actually lead to more sex and better sex
for the rest of your life. Ready? I’m sure you are.
 SELFISHNESS AND
SEXUAL ATTRACTION
“Women want to be pleased, but they don't want a pleaser.”
- Tony Robbins
Nothing reduces attraction more than too much niceness.
When one person in a relationship sacrifices themselves,
doesn’t speak up or ask for what they want, and feels guilt
and fear about being themselves, it doesn’t go well. It’s
even worse if both people are doing it. Because as you’ve
seen in this book (and perhaps your own life), doing so kills
confidence and builds resentment. And low confidence and
high resentment doesn’t exactly put people in the mood for
romance.
Conversely, being more direct, bold, outspoken, and
authentic does put people in the mood for romance. These
behaviors create powerful attraction that draws people
together and lasting passion that sustains relationships for
a lifetime. In fact, the original subtitle for this book was:
Why Saying No and Being More Selfish Makes You More
Sought After, Sexier, and Highly Successful In Life. Let’s
take a look now at some of the key reasons for why this is.
THE PLEASER’S PLIGHT
My entire teenage years and into my early twenties could
be called a “dateless drought.” Well, that’s not entirely
true, because I did have two women in that decade who
pursued me. And I did start working up the courage in my
early twenties to ask women out on dates, although usually
it lead to a polite “no” or just one date. I guess like any
drought, it rained occasionally. But it was so infrequent, so
unsatisfying, and so mysteriously unsustainable, that I
naturally concluded there was something deeply, terribly
wrong with me.
I simply did not realize that I was experiencing the subtle
rejection that a pleaser gets while attempting to date. As a
pleaser–if you’re good at it–no one harshly rejects you, tells
you to buzz off, or gets upset at you. They just feel “meh”
towards you and politely distance themselves, don’t return
you calls, or say “no, thank you” to a second date.
Have you experienced this? It goes both ways, always.
Men dating women, women dating men, men dating men,
women dating women, and transgender dating too… in all
scenarios, being a pleaser doesn’t produce the best results.
Of course, this doesn’t mean it never works. I know many
nice people who end up in long-term relationships as
pleasers. Usually, however, there is some sort of suffering
in this relationship–they feel inadequate, there’s no sex life
or passion, their partner frequently criticizes them, they
feel tons of (mostly unconscious) resentment, or the two of
them never fight and live completely peacefully... as
roommates who live separate lives. These are just a few of
the scenarios that I and many of my recovering nice-people
clients have found ourselves in.
This suffering occurs because people-pleasing and
niceness do not work in romantic relationships. As Tony
Robbins points out, “women want to be pleased, but they
don’t want a pleaser.” I think this is true for everybody, not
just women. Why is this the case? If we all want to be
pleased, why doesn’t someone who’s eager to please us
turn us on?
After reading through this beast of a book up until this
point, why do you think? What’s your guess? You probably
have some keen insights and powerful awareness after
having made such a deep study over these last days and
weeks. Because if I share my ideas, it can be helpful. But if
you decide for yourself, it will be instantly transformative.
People pleasing isn’t attractive because it’s not
authentic. We’re not being who we really are. When
we’re looking to please, our focus is on how to say and do
what we think the other person wants, regardless of what
is true for us. This disconnect from our true selves
immediately reduces our attractiveness. Then, to make
matters worse, we’re operating from a place of fear. Fear of
upsetting the other person, fear of saying the wrong thing,
fear of looking foolish, fear of being judged, and even fear
of our own guilt. All this fear is another layer of
attractiveness repellent that we spray on ourselves when
we’re being nice.
We think that a polished, polite image is what’s going to
win the hearts of those we desire. But actually, it’s your
true shape, rough edges, and unrefined energy that is
going to attract your beloved. Those are powerful,
compelling, and highly desirable. The way you just say
what you think, express what you feel, and laugh at what’s
funny to you. The way you scrunch your nose up in disgust
at oysters and other things you don’t like. Your ability to be
right there with the other person, making real contact with
each other. That is what creates the charge.
When I went on many of those first dates I didn’t know all
this. I felt deflated, confused, frustrated, and inferior after
those women didn’t want to date me again. I had overcome
my shyness enough to ask them out; I was warm, outgoing,
curious, and engaging on the date, and yet they didn’t
seem to want more. It made no sense to me.
But now that I understand the opposite of nice, it’s clear
to me. Without consciously knowing it, I was hiding that
rough stone with the unpolished edges, hiding my
authentic self. I smoothed it over so many times that what I
revealed was a soft, watered-down version of myself. This
smoothing most likely showed up in smiling more than I
normally do, being too quick to laugh, agreeing too much
with everything, and not showing any dislike or preferences
about anything. Everything is great. Let me put on this nice
show for you.
This comes from a deep fear that if I was to simply reveal
who I really am, rough edges and all, that others would be
repelled. The niceness created an invisible barrier between
me and these women that blocks true connection, and thus
attraction. I did this to avoid rejection and stay safe. Safe
and alone.
(NOT) HOLDING BACK
The way out of niceness-induced rejection-land is to stop
holding back. Everything you read in the previous chapters
will naturally prepare you to do this. You’re already well on
your way, and perhaps have already noticed being more
bold and direct with those you are attracted to. This section
serves as a reminder to keep doing so, and encouragement
that it is especially important in your romantic life.
Holding back prevents attraction from ever forming. If
we’re scared to make strong, direct contact with someone,
then we have pretty much lost from the beginning. Even if
we can talk with them, and even if we somehow exchange
numbers and set up a date. It’s unlikely it will carry on for
long because without strong contact, there’s no charge, not
enough energy for both people to want to continue.
Do you have a clear sense of what I mean when I say
“strong contact”? If you’re applying what you learned in
the previous chapters, you’re already doing it. I’ll highlight
a few of the key qualities as it relates to sexual attraction
and romantic connection. It begins with your inner stance,
which then determines how you stand, move, and look at
others, and finally creates your words and actions.
The stance: I’m here. I’m aware of my body and I inhabit
my body. I am solid and grounded and I know who I am. I
know what I am after. I know what I like and what I don’t
like. I’m OK with myself, and I like who I am. I’m not the
best, and I don’t need to be the best. I’m me.
From this grounded place, we turn our attention to
another. Who are you? I’m curious. What are you like?
What are you really like? What’s beneath the persona or the
mask?
When you come from this place, you tend to stand taller
yet more relaxed. Your head is level instead of looking
downwards. You make eye contact with people in general,
and strong eye contact with those you’re speaking to. You
can hold their gaze in a relaxed, steady manner. Your body
moves in a more fluid, graceful, and natural way.
Your inner stance directs you away from looking to please
and garner approval from whoever you’re with. Instead,
you’re there to share who you are, enjoy yourself, and
discover who this person in front of you is. This comes
across non-verbally and in your energy. It also comes out
directly in what you say and do. You’re better able to share
what you actually think and feel. You can share what’s in
your mind and heart. You ask what you really want to ask.
You make comments, jokes, or silly responses. You’re
expressive.
Here are some examples of what you might say to
someone when making strong contact. I also include a brief
description of how you might say it.
“Wow, you look amazing. I love the way your hair falls
against your shoulders. It gives you this timeless beauty.”
(Looking straight into their eyes with a slight smile on your
face, appreciating the beauty you see. Your tone is slow,
measured, and not rushed at all. You are sharing something
profound and letting it be so.)
“What? No way. Get outta here! There’s no way they’re
going to win. You have no idea what you’re talking about.”
(Loud, playful, boisterous. You are giving someone a hard
time about their opinion, about their prediction. Your tone is
light and invites discussion.)
“Wait, what happened when you got there? Did you just
smile and pretend that everything was normal?”
(Interrupting their story to insert a question that deepens
things. This shows curiosity and helps you get to know the
person behind the mask. Your tone is open, curious,
nonjudgmental.)
There are countless examples of how you might do this,
and for each person it’s slightly different. Because it’s you
being you. Fully and directly.
If you’re afraid of doing so, worried that the other person
will not like you, then you have two options. You can choose
to hold back, play nice, and try to be everything you think
they want you to be. Or you can choose to step up, be real,
and share who you really are. The first option is safety-and-
comfort-zone-city and, in my experience, leads to pain and
isolation. The second can feel like a risk because you might
get rejected. In fact, you will get rejected at times along
the way. But you’ll also be accepted, and deeply loved by
the people you’re meant to connect with. You’re not looking
for every man, or every woman to like you. You are looking
for your man, or your woman. You are looking for your
people. Remember: “I’m not for everybody.”
NOT NICE SEX
If there’s ever a time to not be nice, it’s during sex.
Because nice sex is the worst. Well, maybe not the worst.
I’m sure it can get much worse than nice. But nice sex is
certainly not fun, engaging, hot, passionate, or memorable.
It’s “nice, I guess.”
The fundamental misconception of nice that we’ve been
unraveling this entire book comes back hard and strong
when it comes to sex. We want to be considerate, attentive,
giving, and good. We don’t want to be selfish, objectifying,
or uncaring to our partner. And we think the way to do that
is to be nice. But this makes us anxious, tense, closed off,
performance-oriented, and looking to see if we’re doing a
“good job” based on our partner’s approval. It sucks the joy
out of the moment, puts us in our heads, and can even
induce shame and self-judgment.
I’ve had my fair share of nice sex. In fact, that was my
primary experience for many years. It starts with a high
degree of focus on my partner. What does she want? Is she
having a good time? Is this OK? Does she want this? Is this
OK? Am I doing this right?
As with any situation, if we constantly question ourselves,
we’ll start to feel doubtful and hesitant. Which I certainly
did. But revealing that to her would make me appear
insecure and like “less of a man,” thus ruining her
attraction to me, or so I thought. So, I just put my game
face on and continued, wondering if she was enjoying
herself and if I was good enough.
Of course, when we’re having sex we are extremely close
to another person, both literally and energetically. I’m sure
these women could feel my nervous energy, which in turn
may have lead them to feel a little more tense too. I then
picked up on their tension, which lead to more questioning
and doubt. Hot, right?
The problem is I was approaching sex from the self-
denying end of the selfishness spectrum. I was completely
focused on her because I thought that’s what a good man
“should do.” To do otherwise was selfish, misogynistic,
repulsive to women, and bad. But actually, as with all other
areas of relationships, moving out of self-sacrifice and into
healthy self-interest is good for everybody. By tuning into
yourself more, you actually get out of your head and into
your body. As you enjoy yourself more, you create more
passion and energy that makes a better experience for your
partner as well. Here are some tips on how to do this.
The Love Doctor’s Tips on Not Nice Hot Sex
Tip 1: Talk
I didn’t know this for years, but it’s actually OK to talk
during sex. What? Who knew? They never do that in
movies. It all just works out seamlessly and passionately.
They speak only with their eyes. Well for most of us, our
eyes don’t cut it.
If you’re wondering if your partner likes something, ask
them. “Does that feel good?” Wondering if you’re in the
exact right place? Should you move your hand over or in a
different way? Ask them!
This may seem so simple and obvious, but I literally did
not do this for years. I thought I was supposed to become a
super skilled ninja lover by reading books and random
articles on the internet, instead of simply asking my
partner what she liked.
You can ask during sex or afterwards. You can have
conversations about it. You can also share what you like
and want, and what you don’t like. No, that’s not being
cruel or rude. That’s you being honest and giving your
partner extremely useful feedback. If you want to be kind
about it, you can say, “I like it when you do ___, instead of
____.” This clearly highlights your preferences without
saying, “I hate it when you do ____, it feels terrible. I can’t
possibly understand why you think that would feel good.”
The more you talk about this the more you build your
confidence as a lover because you know you’re doing the
exact kinds of things your partner likes. Then you can focus
more on the pleasurable sensations in your body and
feeling the pleasure in your partner. Thinking less and
feeling more is a good approach to sex (and life).
In addition to asking questions, you can also talk about
what’s happening in the moment. If you’re feeling self-
conscious, or distracted, or troubled in some way,
what if you didn’t have to hide that? What if you could
share what was happening as it occurred?
For example:
“Hang on one second. I notice I’m feeling anxious and
distracted and it’s pulling me out of the moment.”
“I feel self-conscious about the way my face looks as I get
close to orgasm, I imagine it’s not relaxed or feminine
enough.”
If you imagine doing that, how do you feel? Does that
seem easy or hard? Is it terrifying? If so, why? Do you
imagine your partner would roll their eyes in disgust and
impatience, urging you to get over it and get on with it so
they can just get off already? Is that really what they’d do?
Because if so, that is important information. That doesn’t
indicate a very high level of maturity and generosity.
Sex is not about having an orgasm and being done with it.
It’ about connection. Physical, emotional, and deep
spiritual connection. And if you’re struggling with
something and trying to hide it, all of these forms of
connection are blocked.
My wife and I have an understanding that it’s OK to talk
about anything during sex. And, if we feel like the other
person isn’t fully present, we can ask, “What’s happening
for you?” I like to tease my wife because she will sometimes
try to push something aside and not talk about. She thinks
it’s “too heavy” or “not very sexy” to talk about while
making love. However, the second she pushes aside the
discomfort, I instantly feel it. Her body becomes tenser and
her movements more mechanical. Her energy and life force
are less permeable. She’s closed off, even if she’s trying to
be present. In that moment I will ask, “What’s happening
sweetie?” And after she tells me and we talk, everything
opens back up and our energy is flowing freely once again.
Tip 2: Men: Do. Take. Own.
This tip is for the partner that embodies more masculine
energy. In most relationships that’s the man, however in
some cases this will be a woman (lesbian relationships,
transgendered relationships, and some heterosexual
couples as well). For the sake of ease, I will simply refer to
this person as the man.
Do. Take. Own. While it’s good to ask what your partner
likes and have conversations about sex, you must take this
information and act on it. You must lead. Instead of pausing
after each move to see if it was well received, and waiting
for approval, just do. Take her. Own her. Deep down this is
what she wants, this is what she craves.
I stopped myself from doing this for many years. I had the
fear that this was bad, wrong, too forceful, unwanted, and
aggressive. And so, I held back. But if you’re connected
with her, you don’t have to worry about that. You’re in, you
have permission, it’s OK. In fact, many women have a
secret fantasy about “being taken” by a powerful man who
loves and respects her. Let your primal animal emerge. Let
the force that has propelled life for billions of years move
through you. Grab her. Take her. Own her.
This un-self-conscious immersion in the experience
transports both of you to a different place. It has nothing to
do with ideas about what’s OK or not OK, what’s right or
wrong. It’s just passion, energy, and raw power. It’s hot. Do
it.
Tip 3: Women: Open. Release. Let Go.
On the flip side of the equation, women (or the more
feminine partner) must open, release, and let go. This
means letting go of worry, doubt, and fear. Letting go of
any old story that you’re not good enough, or don’t look
right. Letting go of the toxic notion that your breasts, or
belly, or butt has to look a certain way to be worthy and
attractive. These are poisonous images that we have taken
in from toxic aspects of our culture. Don’t buy into them.
Your beauty comes from within. The freer and more open
you are to express all of yourself, the more magnetically
attractive you become. A woman who is free, flowing, full of
emotion, feeling, and heart, fully exuding feminine energy
will turn heads, no matter what her dress size is.
The more you can relax, let go of old stories and fears,
and free yourself to be exactly as you are in the moment,
the better sex you’ll enjoy. This may require taking action
on Tip 1 and having some conversations during or after sex.
It may involve doing some inner work to fully love and
accept your body, just as it is, replacing judgment with
gratitude. It may involve creating a deeper connection and
better relationship so that you feel fully safe and free to
open up.
Tip 4: Revel in The Beauty
Let yourself enjoy whatever you enjoy in your partner. As
a man, I greatly enjoyed the physical beauty of the women I
made love with. I loved their eyes and cheeks. The way
their hair cascaded down their neck and back. The
smoothness of their neck and shoulders. The shape of their
waist and the groove in their low back. Their breasts and
belly. I could go on…
And yet, I noticed I didn’t let myself fully enjoy this visual
and sensual pleasure. I feared they would think I was
objectifying them. Or that they may be self-conscious about
a certain feature and feel uncomfortable if I were to look at
it. And so, I would cast brief glances at their bodies while
maintaining all my focus on their faces and eyes.
It wasn’t until I was with my wife Candace that I shared
this insecurity. She was surprised and said it felt exciting
when I looked at her and enjoyed her beauty. She said it
made her feel sexy and turned her on. Go figure. Another
inaccurate story that limited me for a decade.
 CHAPTER 11:

SAY NO
“My biggest challenge with being nice is that people tend
to take advantage of me. It seems like I’m doing everyone's
job at work because I'm too damn nice and can't bring
myself to say NO to anyone.”
- F.V.
What is your relationship with the word “no”? It may seem
like an unusual question, but we all have an emotional love
(or hate) relationship with the word. Some people like it
and use it all the time. Other people think it’s the worst and
avoid using it at all costs. And still others don’t like saying
it and dislike hearing it even more. For them, “no” is a bad
word. How about you?
Your answer to that question has a surprisingly large
impact on your life. As you will see in this chapter, your
ability to freely and skillfully say no when you want and
need to has a wide variety of benefits in your life, from
career to friendships to your love life. In short, “no” is your
friend. “No” is where it’s at. “No” is good.
In many situations, saying “no” can be uncomfortable. We
don’t like disappointing people. And yet, doing so is
essential to break free from the life-restricting cage of
niceness that strangles true happiness and fulfilling
relationships.
So, we are left with a choice. One that is going to be
familiar to you by now, as it is repeated with each of these
Pillars of Not Nice: You can choose to start saying no when
you want to and need to, and face the initial discomfort, or
you can continue to avoid saying no, and continue to play
nice to avoid the disapproval of others.
If you choose the first option—to begin saying no when
needed (and I suspect you will)—you are going to build yet
another form of strength, another muscle. Building this
muscle allows you to choose what’s most important in your
life, and how to prioritize your time, activities, and every
aspect of your life.
In short, being able to say no gives you power. Power in
this context refers to personal power—your ability to
choose to do something and act on it. By saying no when
you need to, you are automatically saying “yes” to what you
really want. This creates a sense of choice, autonomy, and
freedom. It makes you feel like you are the captain of your
ship and the master of your destiny, rather than a
rudderless raft floating at sea.
Are you ready to start building your NO muscle?
Fortunately, life is the gym for building this muscle, so you
will find an endless number of places to practice. Let’s
begin by seeing just how powerful the word “no” really is.
 THE POWER OF NO
“The level of your commitment is measured not
by what you say ‘yes’ to, but what you say ‘no’ to.”
- Rich Litvin
Being able to say no when you want to can set you free in
all areas of your life. In your business and work life, saying
no allows you to stay on track and not get swept away by
other people’s agendas. There are so many competing
demands for your time and attention that you could spend
your entire day, week, month, or year simply doing what
everyone else wants you to do. In fact, if someone has an
inability to say no, other people in an organization may
discover this and take advantage of it for their benefit,
placing more and more of their work onto that nice
person’s plate.
Saying no allows you to preserve your own agenda,
direction, and goals. Imagine a ship sailing north to get to a
specific island. If it sailed due north each day, it would get
there within three weeks. But what if each day it went
different directions: west for a little bit, then east, then
some north. The next day it started out going north, then
went east, then even south for a bit, then back to north.
How long would it take to get to that island, if it ever even
made it?
Without the ability to say no, we are that boat, bouncing
all over the place. You want this done now? Sure thing. You
need me to do this over here? OK, you got it. Other
people’s requests become demands. Other people’s
urgency becomes our own emergency. The extreme
example of this is when someone says to jump, and you say
“how high?” This is insanity. It’s people-pleasing at its
worst and it makes us feel our worst. Yet, the compulsion to
continue out of fear and niceness can be strong, so we stay
the course: nice and meandering.
Saying no in your business and work life ends the
insanity. It clears away the confusion and declutters your
day. It helps you be more productive, achieve more, and
best of all, feel more happy and free. It keeps you
connected to your bigger purpose and mission so you can
do what you’re here to do.
The importance of saying no doesn’t stop at your
workplace. It’s an essential ability in your personal life as
well because what you say yes to and what you say no to
determines what you do with your time and your life. If you
are invited somewhere and you say yes, that’s what you’re
doing for the next few hours (or more). Which is great, if
you wanted to go… It can also make you feel trapped,
bored, restless, unhappy, and resentful.
Being able to say no to invitations, offers, and suggestions
from friends, family, and loved ones helps you guide your
ship in your personal life as well. While you may not have
the exact same goal-driven direction as you do in your
business life, you still generally know what you want and
don’t want. (Since you’ve been asking yourself that
question all the time since you read Chapter 7 on
boundaries, right?)
Being able to say no operates in an even subtler way than
where you go and what you do. It even includes moment to
moment interactions, including what you talk about and
how long you speak with someone because saying no
doesn’t literally mean using the word “no.” You can say no
by interrupting someone’s extended story at a party and
telling them you need to go somewhere else. You can say
no by changing the subject in a conversation, or asking a
new question. This subtle use of no adds to your sense of
complete freedom.
That is the goal of this chapter, and this entire book: to
give you a sense of freedom to be you in the world. Saying
no is a big piece of that puzzle. Without no you are not free
at all. You are trapped, obligated, stuck, and living in a
world of “I have to.”
Is this where you live now? Doing things you don’t really
want to do, but feel you have to? Being driven more than
you’d like by obligation? Feeling trapped in conversations,
in meetings, or in situations that are not making you feel
most free and alive?
If so, it’s time for no. You just might need to go on a NO
Rampage. Later in this chapter we’ll talk about how to do
that skillfully and successfully, so it enhances your life and
those around you. First, let’s dismantle our fear of no. Let’s
see why we used to hate using that word, and how to
befriend it so it can become a liberating tool on a daily
basis.
 CREEPING DREAD
If no is so great, how come we don’t use it all the time,
whenever we want? In fact, I may be preaching to the choir.
You may already know that it’s good to say no and have
been wanting to do so more. And yet, something stops you.
What is it? The only thing that ever really stops any of us:
fear.
At its core, the main obstacle is simply fear of what will
happen if we say no. We have dozens of predictions about
what might happen and how people could react. They will
be upset, turned off, angry, frustrated, hurt, disappointed,
and unhappy. This will lead to breakups, firing, loss of
clients and customers, and death and ruin.
Fun side note: After studying fear so much these last
fifteen years, I was fascinated by how if you follow the fear
down to its root, it leads you to intense isolation, pain,
death, and loss of everything we love, hence the phrase
death and ruin. To snap myself out of worry and fear-based
thinking, I will often playfully call out, “DEATH AND
RUIN!” in my mind. For example, if my mind starts
worrying, “did I do that intervention right? That client is
probably disappointed and upset with me–DEATH AND
RUIN!” This always makes me smile and helps me keep
perspective. Use that as you will, or don’t. And now back to
our regularly scheduled programming…
We are scared of saying no. We think bad things will
happen. In fact, we even accumulate evidence of bad things
happening after we did say no at different times in our
lives. People did get upset. We did get in trouble at work. It
was bad, see? This selective evidence gathering keeps the
anti-no propaganda campaign going, so we never use the
word.
 While bad and undesirable outcomes might happen, this
is actually very unlikely because for significant loss to
occur, such as the loss of a job or relationship, many things
have to be going wrong. If you are an amazing team
member and continually produce outstanding results, and
then you say no to some things you don’t want to do, no one
is going to fire you. If you are a loving spouse who is deeply
connected with your partner, they’re not going to leave you
if so say no to some invitations. So, these outcomes are
actually very unlikely.
What we’re really scared of is the emotional discomfort
around saying no. We’re afraid of that tension that can
occur when our desires differ from someone else’s, that
feeling of discomfort and unease in your chest and stomach
when someone is upset with us. Why is this so emotionally
upsetting, even if rationally we know that it’s OK to say no
and speak up for what we want?
What are your biggest fears about saying no? Take a
moment to think about that now. The more specific you can
be, the freer you will become.
Here are the most common fears about saying no:
· Fear of confrontation
· Fear of upset
· Fear of loss
· Fear of our own judgment of being a bad, selfish person
While all of these contribute to the fear we feel about
saying no, there is one that is underneath them all. It feeds
many of them and is responsible for the strongest
resistance and avoidance. At its root, the fear of saying no
comes from insecure attachment.
Remember way back when in Chapter 2 we talked about
relationships sometimes feeling like walking on a
tightrope? If we are securely attached, we know that we
can be ourselves, make mistakes, and generally live our
lives and people close to us will love us for who we are.
They aren’t going anywhere. When we are insecurely
attached, we can feel like we have to earn love and
continually keep people close to us by not making mistakes,
never upsetting, and otherwise being “good.”
In short, saying no makes us feel unsafe. It can trigger a
fear of being abandoned in emotional centers in our brain.
When people are sad, disappointed, or angry, they tend to
be less warm and available. This withdrawal can trigger
that insecure feeling, which is uncomfortable. Most people
will react to this feeling by trying to hastily apologize. Have
you ever had that urge after saying no or being assertive?
Lord knows I have.
But insight leads to liberation, if it’s coupled with action.
When you step up and take the risk to say no, it might not
be pretty, and it might not be comfortable. After you do it,
your stomach may lurch and your brain may kick into
hyper-worry mode. If you know, however, that your
discomfort, no matter how intense, is due to an internal
fear that long predates your current situation, you are
much better equipped to deal with it. Instead of going
outward to fix the situation, you’ll turn inward to feel. You
can soothe that frightened part and see how to calm
yourself so you feel safer and grounded in your body. Doing
so is the pathway to freely and easily say no without guilt,
and is what you’re going to learn later in this chapter. First,
let’s explore what most people do with the creeping dread–
avoid it.
OBLIGATION-BASED RELATIONSHIPS
“How often do you two speak?” I asked.
“About once a month or so,” she replied.
“Do you enjoy those conversations?”
“Eh… Sort of. Not really. I feel anxious ahead of time. It
feels like there’s so much to catch up on,” she said.
“I see. Not beforehand...What about during the
conversation, or afterwards? Do you feel energized?
Lighter, happier, excited?” I said.
“Ehhh… No, not really,” she said.
“Why do you do it?” I asked.
“After a few weeks goes by the pressure starts to build up.
I feel like we’re due for a call. Then I wait a week or so
more and it becomes so intense I reach out to him. Or if he
reaches out to me and leaves a message, I feel like I have
to get back to him.”
Sounds like fun. This is a brief snippet of a conversation I
had with a client who was trapped in a web of obligation-
based relationships. Pretty much all of her relationships
were strongly dictated by obligation: what she should do in
order to do what others wanted and thus be a good person.
These kinds of relationships are born from avoidance of
the word “no.” In order to avoid the tension, discomfort,
guilt, or fear of loss, we simply say yes. Yes to spend time
with someone, yes to talk on the phone, yes to do what they
want. This, like all avoidance, provides short-term relief
from uncomfortable feelings. But it generates greater pain
in the long-term. The extended phone calls, coffee
hangouts, lunches, dinner parties, or other unwanted
encounters tend to be unpleasant and agitating. In
addition, your own sense of strength and personal power is
diminished, leaving you with less ability to boldly be
yourself in the world, which creates another layer of pain.
And then, while you’re doing all this stuff you don’t really
want to do with people you don't really want to be with,
your life is passing you by. You could be filling that time
with people you love, doing things that bring you energy,
vitality, and joy. Missing out on this is the next layer of pain
that comes from avoiding the discomfort of “no” in the
short term. As always, avoidance equals pain.
We often have belief systems we’ve adopted that support
our need to sustain obligation-based friendships: It’s good
to be a team player. It’s important to sustain friendships for
a lifetime. You can’t leave friends. Friends don’t just leave
each other. Friends are forever. If you don’t nurture these
relationships, you’ll be all alone when you’re older. You
have to be there for family–always and no matter what.
These, and many more, are a mish-mash of ideas we’ve
heard, things parents told us, and our own values. They
merge together into all-or-nothing rules that have very
little nuance for the complexity of life.
Friends are forever? But what if I don’t enjoy spending
time with a certain friend anymore? What if our connection
was based on the fact that we worked together and could
talk about our co-workers? What if I’ve grown a lot and
they are still similar to when we first became friends ten
years ago? What if they tell long stories that I don’t enjoy
and don’t ever seem interested in my life?
The same goes for our obligation-based relationships with
family. I should be there for my parents (or brother, sister,
uncle, etc.). This could be a core value of yours–to support
and be there for family. But what does that mean? In all
cases, no matter what? Does that mean everything from
being at the hospital bed to picking up their laundry? Does
that mean you can’t say no to flying out of state to attend
your uncle’s 60th birthday party?
I understand that family relationships are complex and
sometimes involve doing things we are not excited about.
This is because we value the connection and understand
that doing something for others is part of sustaining a long-
lasting relationship. The key, however, is to determine to
what extent you will go. You just might find that you can
say no to a lot more of the small stuff, while still saying yes
to the big stuff.
One client in my Mastermind program was struggling
with an obligation-based relationship with her mother. Her
father had passed away several years earlier, and she was
the child who got along best with her mom. She would go
over to her house regularly to help her garden, attend
church with her on Sundays, and call her frequently. She
was struggling, however, because she didn’t like going to
the church and she hated gardening. She was frustrated
and wished her siblings would help out more, although
attempts to push them into doing so had been unsuccessful.
In the group call we explored her options. I started by
having her explore her CSI (complete self-interest) desires.
That’s where you ask yourself what you really want in a
situation, if you knew the other people involved would be
completely fine with your decision. In this case it was: “If
you could choose anything you wanted and you knew your
mother would be fine and feel great about it, what would it
be?”
It turned out to be way less contact, and different
activities entirely. Did she really need to garden with her
mom? Could they do something else together? Did she have
to attend church with her? How often did she want to call
her? What did she actually want to talk about on the
phone? These are the kinds of questions that freed her up
to choose a way to connect with and support her mother
that were more engaging, nourishing, and fun for her as
well.
In many cases, our strong internal dictate of “be there for
others 100%,” which sounds like a noble virtue, is actually
a clever form of avoiding saying no. We are scared to do
something and feel guilty for doing it, so we take control by
saying it’s part of our values. This keeps us locked into
behaving this way, no matter what it actually feels like
inside. Is it working for you? How would you know?
To discover what’s really true, slow down and pay
attention, especially when you agree to do something with
someone, or after you’ve spend time with them. Do you feel
energized after the activity? Do you feel lighter, happier,
and more optimistic? These are the signals of positive,
beneficial connection that is nourishing you. Even if you
don’t love the activity, like the gardening for example,
perhaps spending time with someone you love feels good in
a deep way. Knowing you brightened your mom’s day
warms your heart.
Or do you feel drained afterwards? When you slow down
and pay attention, and honestly check in with yourself, do
you feel resistant, upset, negative, frustrated, or resentful?
Do you drive home pissed off at your brother because he
never does gardening and he should, dammit? Do you have
an urge to call him up and chew him out for not doing
enough with Mom? Do you feel tense in your body? Does
your back hurt when you wake up in the morning before
gardening day? (Must have slept on it wrong…) These are
signs to pay attention to. These are indicators on your
dashboard that you are out of alignment.
The way out of obligation-based relationships is to begin
with asking yourself the million-dollar question–what do I
want? When you do, go out as far as possible on the selfish
spectrum. For just a moment, let go of what you “should
do,” or what is acceptable, or what the other person would
think. Just try it on. You don’t have to buy it. Just see what
that feels like to tune into your heart and see what you
really want, deep down. Then, and only then, you can work
your way back to the nuances of the situation to see how to
steer it. What can you shift? What can you change?
A number of years ago I learned how to do this when my
parents or brother would visit me. In the past I would be
100% available, planning on just hanging out from Friday
afternoon to Sunday evening. That would mean dinner on
Friday, breakfast on Saturday, followed by all day hanging
out together, non-stop. Then repeat that again for round
two on Sunday. And if my folks came in on a Thursday, well
I’ll have dinner with them on Thursday before we kick off
the weekend immersion.
By the end of the weekend, without my typical alone time,
self-care, and things I did for fun, I would feel burnt-out,
sensitive, and irritable. Then I would conclude I felt this
was because I was a bad son, or brother, or perhaps just a
bad human being.
When I brought up this pattern in my men’s group, the
leader asked me, “What would your ideal visit look like?”
Simple question, and one I had surprisingly never thought
about. I had been making the assumption for years that
what my parents or brother wanted was me all day, every
day. After all, they lived in different states and we didn’t
see each other all the time. So, I asked myself what I really
wanted, feeling quite uncomfortable in just the asking of
the question.
“Well,” I paused, hesitating, “I guess dinner Friday would
be nice when they come in. Then I’d have the morning to
myself to read, make breakfast, and work out. Then I could
meet up with them in the early afternoon. I’d love to take
them for a hike out in the Gorge; that would be fun. Maybe
have some time with Dad to get his ideas on investing.
Instead of going out on Saturday, I’d love to eat one of
Mom’s meals. Maybe I could help her cook. Then Sunday
I’d like to have the morning on my own again, then meet up
in the afternoon for a movie and some hanging out. Then
have the evening to myself and relax before the week
begins.”
As I write it now, it sounds so fun and I feel love for my
parents. As I spoke it then, I felt tension, fear, and guilt.
How could I be such a bad son? They’ve come all this way
and I don’t even want to see them in the mornings? For
shame!
But at this point in my life, I knew I had to do what scared
me if I wanted to grow and create the life I wanted. I also
had a growing clarity that acting in my healthy self-interest
and having boundaries allowed me to truly love others and
deeply connect with them.
Despite some spasms of guilt as I carried it out over the
next several visits, they went well. My parents seemed
delighted by me saying what I wanted more and were game
to do what I wanted. In fact, they were looking to me to
suggest what we could do. The space in between periods
together helped me recharge and take care of myself, so I
felt more energized and engaged.
It went so well that I actually decided a number of years
ago that I am only going to spend time in relationships that
energize me and enhance my life. My time here is finite and
there are so many people I like and love, I do not want to
spend time with anyone that drains me. I slowly moved
away from and ended relationships that did not serve me,
including ones with drama, chaos, or frequent negativity.
Over time, my energy rose higher and higher. Now I am
surrounded by supportive, inspiring, intelligent, and loving
people. I spend time with those that bring out the best in
me and inspire me to grow even more.
I only work with clients I like. Those who I feel love and
connection for and who inspire and excite me with their
motivation, openness, and heart. I only spend time with
friends who are bright lights, who are intelligent,
motivated, self-aware, loving, and amazing people. I only
spend time with family members who I deeply love and
connect with, like my brother, dad, mom, and some aunts,
uncles, and cousins.
Sure, I still see other family members at weddings,
funerals, and other events, but I don’t have ongoing contact
with them. I ended friendships that didn’t serve me. I
concluded with clients who weren’t at level 4 or 5 of
motivation.
Life without obligation-based relationships is full of so
much more love, appreciation, energy, freedom, and fun. I
highly recommend you take the actions you need to create
your own path to more choice in your relationships. In fact,
let’s see what that would actually look like for you, so you
can start acting on that more and more.
 HELL YES OR HELL NO
“Anything less than a hell yes is a hell no.”
- Rich Litvin
The choice is yours. You can choose to avoid the Creeping
Dread and carry out a series of obligation-based
relationships, all the while feeling more drained,
dissatisfied, and resentful. Or, you can choose to give
yourself permission to say no. Not because it was allowed,
or because everyone else would agree, but simply because
you wanted to.
One of my teachers who’ve I’m mentioned before, Rich
Litvin, taught me about the idea of “hell yes” or “hell no.”
He was sharing this when it came to working with clients.
He wanted both his clients and himself to be a “hell yes” on
working together. If they felt ambivalent about it, or if he
didn’t feel fully on board, then it wasn’t a hell yes, and so
he would not work with them.
I instantly loved this concept and began expanding it to
all areas of life. What if you only did things that were a
“hell yes”? Impossible! Outrageous! Offensive! I get it, it’s
not the typically nice way of being in the world. In fact, it
might even seem selfish. But is it really?
Is spending time with someone out of obligation enjoyable
for them? If you agree to go somewhere you don’t really
want to be, are you that fun to be around? Perhaps you’re
the world’s greatest actor, but most people can’t fully hide
their displeasure. It might not be obvious, but most likely
your energy is lower, you are a little tighter in your body,
and shorter with your words. In other words, you’re
probably less fun to be around.
Let’s do a little experiment to see what your life would be
like if you only did your “hell yes(ses).” Take out a sheet of
paper, or open up a file on your phone or computer, and
make a list. Write down all the things you do on a regular
basis in both your professional and personal life. For
example:
Write book
Go to gym
Time with boys
Make breakfast
Make smoothies
Team meeting with Jenee
Emails
Prepare materials for live event
Plan schedule for live event
Record podcasts
Record videos
Lunch date with Candace
Session with 1-on-1 client
Session with potential client
Session with 1-on-1 client
This is just a sample. Your list would be longer than this,
most likely. Be sure to include all of the activities you do
regularly at work and in your personal life. Go ahead and
do that now, before reading any further.
Welcome back. Did you get everything? Now, go through
and rank each item on your list. Yes, every single one. Put a
“Y” next to the ones that are a “hell yes” for you, and an
“N” next to the ones that are a “hell no” for you.
Remember, anything less than a “hell yes” is a “hell no,” so
if you’re hesitating and hovering, trying to decide, it’s
probably a “hell no.” Do this now.
So, what did you notice? Is your life filled with more Y’s or
N’s? Did this surprise you? Or does it make sense?
Typically, if our lives are filled with a majority of “hell
no(s)” that we’re doing anyway because we feel like we
have to, we feel worse. If it’s full of “hell yes(ses)” that we
have chosen, we feel better.
As you look at your list, do you want to change anything?
Are there any hell noes you could let go of? Stop doing
entirely? Delegate to someone else? Take a few minutes to
really ponder this. It might not be all of them, all at once,
but what if you could just start with one, or a few. How
would that impact how you feel?
I like to do this process every three months or so, for both
my business and personal life. My goal in my business is to
do only what I love. That doesn’t mean only what’s easy.
There are things that I don’t quite love because they’re
challenging, or uncomfortable, or stir up fear and feelings
of rejection. Those are still a “hell yes” for me because my
life is not about avoiding discomfort, it’s about doing what
scares me in the service of something greater. It’s about
being a force for good and a warrior of the light.
But there are many things that I didn’t enjoy doing that
were not a hell yes. So, they were a hell no and I found a
way to stop doing them. These include editing my own
videos and podcasts, uploading and posting them,
managing social media posts, coordinating the logistics of
live events, and dozens of other tasks in my business. This
allows me to focus on working with clients, running groups,
creating, writing, recording, reading, teaching, and all the
other stuff that I love doing.
The same goes for my personal life. I don’t know about
you, but I love cleaning up dishes in the sink and putting
them in the dishwasher. Perhaps because it’s such a simple
task and it’s relatively easy and quick. Perhaps because it is
so tangible and I get to see the results of my efforts
instantaneously. I don’t know exactly why, but it’s a hell yes
for me. Cleaning my toilet? Not so much. Deep cleaning on
the stove under the burners? Ew. So, we hired someone to
come for three hours per week to do that sort of cleaning.
One more hell no off my list.
Of course, when it comes to life with small children, I do
end up doing things that are not a hell yes for me. When
it’s dinner time and my son loudly proclaims he has to poop
and wants me to read a story to him while he does so,
that’s not necessarily a hell yes for me. Sometimes, I will
find it in me to make it a hell yes. I’ll get playful, find
perspective, and see the sweetness of his desire for some
alone time with me (even though it’s in the bathroom), or
even bring the rest of my dinner in there to tell him a story
while I eat. Yes, it’s as glamorous as it sounds.
Sometimes, when I really don’t want to, I’ll say, “How
about I get you started and then I’ll come back out and
eat.” Offering this shows me if he really needs to go or if he
just wants some story time with daddy. I then offer this: “I
can tell you a story while we eat at the table. Do you want
to do that?” And if I don’t feel like telling a story, I offer to
read a book.
Even within the realm of being a child-centric parent who
values giving to your kids, there’s room to find the hell yes
for you. This is essential or you will go insane.
My point here is even when we feel like we can’t say no to
something, we still have wiggle room. We still have the
choice of how we want to do it, and alternatives we can
offer. Once we’re no longer terrified of their reaction to our
alternatives, we can get a lot more creative.
It’s also helpful to realize that you always have a choice.
Everything you do is a choice. This is one of the core
realizations that helps you be an owner of your life instead
of a victim. I’m choosing how I want to parent based on my
values. You are choosing where you want to work, and what
kind of work you want to do. You’re choosing how to
respond to your spouse, boss, coworkers, friends, parents,
and everyone else.
As your niceness decreases and your authenticity and
power grow, you will see that no one is “making” you do
something. In truth, the only thing that creates that
perception is the fear and guilt we feel if we imagine saying
no. It’s not them, it’s us. We are “making” ourselves do it.
With our own internal demands, our own need to have
strict adherence to being a “good” son, daughter, father,
mother, employee, spouse, or friend.
This can all shift once you start to decide what is a hell
yes and what is a hell no for you, and to stick to it. It’s
uncomfortable at first, and then becomes much easier,
much more a part of who you are and what you do. In fact,
let’s look at an example of this in action right now.
IT WILL BE MESSY (PART DEUX)
In my reality, I don’t do things I don’t want to do.
That’s a statement I remind myself of often. It’s another
way of bringing me back to hell yes, hell no, and my power
of choice. In some places it’s harder than others. And in
some areas of life, I have to dig deeper to see that I really
do want to do what I’m doing. For example, changing a
poopy diaper is generally not on my preferred list of
activities. So, in a sense, I don’t want to change the diaper.
However, I do want children, I want to take care of them, I
want them to feel nurtured, loved, and safe. I want to help
Candace and create a home that is filled with love and
harmony. So, it looks like I want to change that poopy
diaper after all. Now, if you’ll excuse me for just one
moment…
One place that I’m very clear about what I want and don’t
want is in my social time. With two small children, a wife
who I can’t get enough of, and a mission that I’m
passionate about, my time for hanging out socially is
precious. I want to spend that time with friends and family
that inspire me, and fill me with love, connection, laughter,
and joy. So, I say no to a lot of offers. (That’s right, I’m big
time).
A little while back, a friend from my old men’s group
reached out to me. I say friend, although our time together
had only been in the context of the men’s group. I loved
being with him in that setting and his humor would make
me laugh all the time. I really appreciated him and we grew
a lot together over the two years I was in the group. After I
left the group, we had lunch a few times, and no contact in
between. Here’s a recent text conversation we had:
ERIC:
 AZIZ! Eric here. How are you my man?
I need you dude.
I have in earnest begun to face my fear of monogamy. I
have my someone who’s quite incredible and it’s triggering
stuff.
You have a relationship that I admire, so I am talking to
those who have those relationships to get their
experiences.
So, lunch soon? Plus, I’d love to catch up see how you
are!
ME:
Hey Eric! Congrats on finding a super special lady. You
are quite incredible, so it’s a good match :)
I am currently over-extended between work, family, and
other commitments. I have decided to take care of myself
by slowing down and not saying yes to much for 2-3
months. So, unfortunately, I won’t be available for lunch for
another few months or so.
ERIC:
Honestly Aziz, that feels very off-puting actually. I never
hear from you, and when I reach out you’re 3 months out? I
know it’s not personal, but really?
Do you honestly expect me to stay engaged with you with
a response like that?
Strikes me as pretty arrogant, though I know it’s really
not your intention.
ME:
Eric - I’m sorry my man. It sounds like you have a desire
or expectation for a certain level of connection/friendship
with me. I love you and deeply appreciate the growth we
did together in the Men’s Group—and I will have lessons
and memories of that for the rest of my life.
And I am currently not seeking the same level of
relationship at this time. Having 2 small children is a pretty
crazy, full-on experience. There are people in my inner
circle that I have not seen in months. I wish you all the best
in your new relationship, and in all areas of your life.
Haha, look at us, a couple of no-longer-nice-guys. I’m
saying “no” and you’re upset and telling me about it : )
ERIC:
Well, I don’t have a new relationship. It’s a potential one.
It’s, of course, complicated, and as of yesterday, not going
well.
As far as your response and where you’re at, I don’t really
know what to make of it. I appreciate you have kids and
that’s a huge working operation. But as far as expectation?
Seeing you once every 15 months does not sound too
terribly unreasonable.
I feel rejected and unappreciated. And I know if I don’t
reach out in the future, that’ll be it for us. That does not
feel good to me.
And Aziz, I’m not talking about us hanging out, or me
becoming Uncle Eric. It’s just lunch.
ME:
I’m sorry Eric. I am just not available in the way you’d
like me to be.
How do you feel as you read this? Uncomfortable? Upset?
Are you judging him or me? Pay attention, because it will
reveal your own stance on saying no.
Let’s take a moment to break this down, because it can
help liberate you to have full permission to follow your own
inner guidance. He clearly wants to spend time with me,
and is making a direct request for it. In your rulebook, is it
OK to say “no” to that? Is it sometimes OK? Never OK?
Does your preference matter in this situation? If you want
to spend time together, it’s a no-brainer. But what if you
don’t? What if you feel a sense of resistance or aversion in
your heart to the idea? Does your mind come in and try to
convince you? Does it start to tell you that you’re wrong for
saying no, that this person “needs you,” or that you’re
someone selfish or bad?
Most of us learned in our early days of nice-programing
that our preferences are secondary. That it is our duty to
meet other people’s requests, regardless of how we feel
about it. And if we don’t feel like it, our feelings are wrong
and must be overridden.
I used to operate from this rule book too. And it led to a
great deal of anxiety, pain, and frustration. In fact, being
too nice is what led me into the men’s group where I met
Eric in the first place!
Several years ago I would have been unable to have this
kind of exchange with Eric. I most likely would have simply
agreed to see him to avoid the discomfort. The fear and
guilt I’d experience around saying no would have been so
intense that it wouldn’t have felt worth it to me.
But, I’ve been flexing my NO muscle all these years. I’ve
had hundreds of opportunities to practice as my business
has grown and I’ve begun to interact with thousands of
people through the internet. To say yes to everything that
everyone asks me for and wants me to do would be
impossible. And so, I’ve learned how to say no.
What I found most surprising about this exchange was
how little guilt I felt. It was clear to myself that I wasn’t
available in the way he wanted me to be, and I didn’t feel a
sense of guilt or obligation as if I “should” be.
The more you say no, the easier it gets. You become
more clear, direct, and relaxed with doing what you want to
do, and not doing what you don’t want to do. This creates a
much greater sense of choice in your life, which generates
feelings of freedom, happiness, and enjoyment.
Let’s turn now to the specifics of exactly how to do it.
Below you’ll discover how to say no in a way that is clear,
respectful, and loving, while still maintaining your
boundaries.
 HOW TO SAY NO
Step one: start doing it. That’s the biggest and most
important step in the whole process. Because much of our
need to know exactly how to say no is really just fear. When
we say we don’t know how to do it, it implies that we need
to go learn how to do it before we can take action. This
creates some sweet, sweet relief through some temporary
avoidance. It gives us some breathing room so we can start
saying no “later.”
But to really gain the freedom to say no when you want
to, you must start doing it. Now. The more you do it, the
better you get, and the more skillful you become. In fact,
there seem to be three levels to the process of saying no.
THE 3 LEVELS OF NO
Level 1 - Internal
In this level, you learn how to determine whether you are
a “yes” or a “no” internally. As in, “do I actually want to do
this?” This might sound simple, but it actually takes quite a
bit of practice. After decades of nice-person programming,
we can find it quite difficult to determine what we really
want. We might agree to something instantaneously
without even pausing to see if we really want to participate.
Or, the other person wants it, so we just agree because we
don’t want to hurt or offend them.
The goal of level one is to slow down and make a practice
of checking in with yourself. It’s an extension of the MVP
question of this book–what do I want? Because you can’t
say no to something if you don’t even know what you want.
For the next few weeks, make a practice of checking if
you actually want to do something or not. It’s OK if you find
out it’s a no, but you’re already along for the ride. That will
probably happen a number of times, as you build
awareness. Heck, it still happens to me sometimes, even
after all this work on being less nice. My wife and I might
have made plans during the week to do something during
our Sunday afternoon date. Then, when Sunday comes
around, and we’re out doing whatever we planned, I’ll
notice that I don’t want to be doing it. Why didn’t I mention
this at the start of our date so we could change our plans,
or at least discuss alternatives? Because I didn’t slow down
and ask myself these questions.
As you make a practice of checking in with yourself, you’ll
become more skilled at discovering what your mind, heart,
and body really want. Then you can start doing more of
level two.
 Level 2 - Get It Out
The next level of no is simply to say no. To get it out of
your head and into the world, no matter how it comes out.
We all want to be smooth operators who skillfully say no in
such a way that everyone is completely pleased, happy, and
content. But this requires a lot of practice, and even then is
not always possible. Sometimes needs and desires differ
and people feel upset. That’s part of being human.
Relationships are messy.
To practice step two, begin saying no more. I highly
recommend setting a goal for yourself. Pick a time frame
and a number of noes that you want to say. When I first did
this, I decided I would say two noes in one week.
You can apply the techniques you’ll learn in a moment so
that you are more tactful and graceful, but it’s not always
smooth. Often times when we start saying no, we have lots
of feelings about it. We feel guilty, or afraid, or have a
backlog of resentment from not saying no for years. We feel
tense in our bodies, worried about how they’ll respond, and
ready for their push back. All this inner turmoil makes
smooth execution challenging. And it energetically sends a
message to the other person that can bring about more
weirdness in their response. They feel our tension and
interpret it as shortness or rudeness, for example.
But don’t worry about it. See it as a process and a skill
you are developing. Your first noes can be a little rough.
When I decided with firm conviction that I would say my
two noes, I was working as a resident at the Portland State
University counseling center. I had just finished reading a
chapter in a book about assertiveness and declared to
myself, “That’s it! I’m going to start saying no. Starting
right now!”
A few seconds later, I opened my office door to head to
the bathroom. At the very same moment, my fellow resident
and good friend, Banjo, was coming out of his office.
“Hey, Aziz!” he said, smiling.
“Hey man,” I said.
“Can you get to the group early today to set up the room?
I know it’s my turn to set up this week, but I have an
assessment that’s due tomorrow and I want to try to finish
it today,” he said.
“No.”
“Uh. Oh, OK,” he said, looking a little confused.
I continued on my way down the hall towards the
bathroom, freaking out inside. Good Lord, that was so
uncomfortable! I didn’t even mind getting to the room early
to set it up. I normally would have said yes. I was so set on
getting my two noes I just took the opportunity. I had a
panicky urge to turn around, run back down the hall to his
office and tell him that I’d be happy to set up the room. But
I didn’t. I slowed my breathing, calmed my body, and
reminded myself that I had a right to say no without
justifying or explaining myself.
It wasn’t smooth and it wasn’t pretty, but I got it out and
was well on my way to saying no more freely and easily. Let
yourself be messy during this stage. It’s OK. And often
times it’s the only way. There’s a lot of fear, guilt,
discomfort, and everything else preventing you from
casually saying no. The only way to work through all of that
is to change your beliefs about niceness, which you’re
doing with this book, and then just do it until it becomes
relaxed and natural.
Level 3 - Refined Communication
Once you’ve practiced the first two levels a number of
times, you’ll discover that you can be quite good at saying
no. In your core, you’re a natural. We all are. Because
saying no is the most natural social interaction in the
world. We say yes to what we want and no to what we don’t
want. It is only after years of conditioning that we learned
this is wrong.
This third level involves saying no in a less guarded, more
relaxed way. We are no longer tense or aggressive from
feeling scared that we’re doing something wrong. And
we’re no longer overly submissive from guilt. Instead, we
can simply say no in a calm and loving way when we don’t
want to do something. It’s no big deal. It flows out of you
like asking for a drink, or for someone to pass the salt.
Even in instances of higher stakes, such as dating,
business, and social situations where people are more
emotionally attached, you’ll discover that you can speak
clearly and directly, saying no and offering alternatives
whenever needed. If the stakes are high for you, of course
you may feel nervous or anxious. But your capacity to have
all your wits about you and still say what you want to say
will still be there. In short, you’ll be a badass.
I want to stress that for virtually all recovering nice
people, this comes over time. We want to get there
instantly and skip levels one and two–especially level two.
That one sucks. But there is no other way to get better at
something than to do it messily at first. When we wait to
somehow magically leapfrog to level three, we generally
take less action and slow down our progress.
Below you are going to learn some smooth-move ninja
tactics that naturally emerge when you’re at level three.
These can help accelerate your progress and make you
better at saying no than most people. Following these tips
tends to create less friction and make your experiences
more rewarding, so you’ll want to say no again. Still, give
yourself time and space. Let yourself swim around in the
first few levels for a while. Because the real secret to being
at level three is not what you say, it’s being calm and
collected in the face of potential upset and friction. And
guess how we develop that capacity?
5 TIPS FOR SAYING NO LIKE A NO-
MASTER
In my glory days, I played my fair share of Warcraft
computer games. If you’re not familiar with them, they
involve maneuvering orcs, wizards, night elves and other
fantasy creatures around a cartoonish world so that they
can build armies and slay each other. It’s one part strategy,
one part creativity, and one part frantic clicking.
I loved these games and I played all the solo missions and
thoroughly beat the computer. I was the best. And then I
decided to try my hand at online combat, playing against
some anonymous dude (or dudette) somewhere on the
other side of the country or the world.
I logged into the online combat mode, and awaited my
opponent in the arena. Several seconds later, I had been
matched! Warcraw43. I like it. Sounded like a nice chap.
The game took several seconds to load and then we
began. I chose the human race, because the humans were
the best, and that’s all I’d played against the computer. I
saw my familiar five worker peasants and my home base. I
sent one to chop wood, two to mine gold, and two to build a
barracks–gotta get those foot soldiers ASAP; this is a war
after all.
As my guys were working, I typed in, “hey there!” into the
chat window. After a brief delay I saw the following on my
screen.
Warcraw43: gl hf.
I had no idea what that meant (I later discovered it stood
for “good luck, have fun”). But he didn’t seem too talkative,
so I focused on my army base. Things were going well. By
now I had four foot soldiers and was working on my next
building. Soon I would have my blacksmith so I could build
knights. Then, I’d be unstoppable.
Seconds later, I see a gang of nine orcs running into my
base. He had orc grunts and headhunters. He had better
units and twice as many units. How had he built them so
fast? How was that even possible?
I hastily clicked my troops, making a feeble attempt at
defending my base. Within seconds it was all over. He
smashed through my troops without losing a single one of
his units, and then demolished my base.
As his small army was burning my buildings to the
ground, this appeared on my screen.
Warcraw43: You suck, noob.
Ouch. The online battle world was a brutal place.
This was my first introduction to the term noob. You may
be familiar with it, or it still may be relegated to the
nerdiest corners of the internet gaming world. But
essentially a noob is a beginner.
Despite what my angry friend Warcraw43 has to say
about it, being a beginner is completely fine. It’s the only
way to begin anything new. Below you will find 5 key tips to
help you say no less like a noob and more like a practiced
master.

1. No Is a Complete Sentence
The urge to explain, justify, and give lots of reasons is
sure sign of a No-Noob. Trust me, I know the feeling. It
feels bad, we don’t want to hurt their feelings, and we want
to make sure they feel loved and OK about themselves. So,
we give a dozen reasons as to why we’re saying no, so they
know it’s not about them (even if it secretly is).
The first tip to being more of a master is to avoid over-
explaining. Short is good. You can convey kindness in other
ways, as you’ll see below. But explaining too much makes
you come across as anxious and unsure, as if you’re doing
something wrong. Instead, simply say no thank you. Or, if
you want to offer a reason, keep it brief.
No-Noob: I’m sorry, I can’t make it. I would love to
normally, but I have to pick up my dog that afternoon and I
have a report due the following day. I wouldn’t be able to
get everything done in time. It’s been a crazy week. Sorry :
)
No-Master: Thanks for the invite. Unfortunately, I can’t
make it this time, but let me know about the next time.
That sounds like fun.

2. No Apologies
Did you notice in the last example how much apologizing
was going on? This is another sign of our discomfort with
no. We’ll discuss unnecessary apologies in an upcoming
chapter, but for now, watch out for apologizing as you say
no to someone. Again, it makes it sound like you’ve done
something wrong. But you haven’t.
Yelling at someone you love, or saying something cutting
or mean out of hurt or anger, that’s worth an apology.
Texting while driving and hitting a biker—that’s worth an
apology. Saying no to an invitation or an offer? I don’t see
anything wrong with that. You are simply stating your
preference.
“I’m sorry, I like yellow socks.” Would you apologize for
that?
Notice how in the example above, the No-Noob apologizes
twice in one simple message. The No-Master does no such
thing. She does say “unfortunately,” which conveys that she
is disappointed to not join in because it sounds like fun. But
this does not convey that she is at fault for saying no.

3. Make It About You

Sometimes, further information or an explanation is
needed. For example, if a friend invites you to do
something, and you know that you don’t want to do that
activity, it can be helpful to let them know. Otherwise, they
will keep asking you to do it, and you will keep saying no,
which can create a sense of rejection. But the truth is you
like that person, you just don’t like the activity they are
suggesting.
One of my clients had a group of several girlfriends who
loved to spend an entire weekend together. They would go
up to some house in the hills and hang out all day, go out in
the evening, and sleep over at the house. They would wake
up, make breakfast, and hang out again the next day,
lounging on the deck and soaking up some sun.
That sounds delightful to me, assuming I really liked that
group of friends, but my client didn’t like it. She was more
introverted and really needed alone time in between being
with people. She had gone once and found the experience
both fun and exhausting.
Since then, her friend would invite her each time the
group was getting together. My client had avoided going
several times by providing excuses as to why she couldn’t
make it. Her friend had asked her yet again about an
upcoming weekend when we spoke about it in our session.
We began by exploring what she really wanted. Did she
want to go at all? What if she could go for part of the time?
Or if she could go and then also step out from group
activities for several hours each day? These were
completely new options for her, because in the past she
would have immediately dismissed them as inappropriate
and offensive things to ask for.
She decided on going for just one day. She’d join the
group Saturday morning, then drive home Saturday night
to sleep in her own bed. She liked the chance to spend time
with friends, and the idea of having all day Sunday by
herself. It was a win-win. There was only one problem. How
on earth could she say that to her friends without offending
them?
One of my mentors in graduate school, Matt May, told me
this phrase which I’ll never forget: “You can say anything, if
you say it in the right way.” I use that as a reminder when I
want to say no, or ask for what I want, and I feel like it’s
“wrong” or “inappropriate.”
In this instance, the choice to attend less about her,
instead of about them, is a much more skillful way to
communicate her desire. Instead of saying, “I don’t want to
spend the entire weekend with you guys, it drives me nuts,”
she might opt for something focused more on herself that is
more vulnerable and real. She could say “Thanks for the
invite! I love spending time with you and the others. I
noticed the last time I went that I really need more alone
time on the weekends to recharge. So, here’s what I’d like
to do. I’d like to come up there Saturday morning, spend
the day with you all, and then drive back Saturday evening,
instead of spending the night.”
Notice how this is about her, and her preferences and
needs. Also, notice how she doesn’t check at the end, “Is
that OK with you?” She could do that, and there’s nothing
wrong with doing so. I just question why she would need to.
She’s not doing something wrong. She’s not asking to
borrow someone’s car. She’s simply stating her desired
plan for the weekend.
 After we came up with this way of phrasing her “no” to
the whole weekend hangout, she had a concern, which you
might share with her.
“But, how will my friend respond? Won’t she be upset and
feel rejected? Won’t she try to convince me?” she asked,
sounding alarmed.
“Maybe,” I said. “We could play that out and see how you
might handle it.”
“OK,” she said.
“OK, you say what you’re going to say, and I’ll be hurt and
offended and try to convince you to spend the entire
weekend,” I said.
“Hi, Jessica…” she began, hesitating a little, “I’m looking
forward to seeing you this coming weekend. Thanks for
inviting me. I wanted to tell you ahead of time that I plan
on just coming for Saturday. I love spending time with you
all, but I find that I get filled up socially quickly. I really
need my alone time to recharge on the weekend, so I can
do that on Sunday. How does that sound?”
“What?” I replied, with a little mock drama. “You don’t
want to hang out with us both days? Didn’t you have fun
last time?”
“I did. I really enjoyed our conversations about dating out
on the deck. I just feel like I need a little less time with
everybody is all.”
“OK…” I inserted a long pause, just to intensify the guilt
and discomfort—this is exposure after all. “Well, if that’s
what you want to do. I’ll let everyone know you don’t want
to stay the whole weekend.”
We concluded the role play and I checked in with my
client. “How was that?” I asked.
“So painful!” she said. “So awkward. I don’t know if I
could do that.”
 “What makes it so painful? What do you feel as you
practice saying no to what you don’t want and stating what
you’d prefer?” I asked.
“I feel so guilty. She’s hurt and disappointed. I can’t stand
doing that to her,” she said.
“Doing that to her,” I said. “That’s strong language. As if
you are actively hurting her…” I paused for a moment,
thinking of what to say next. I knew the way out was to
take less responsibility for others, for my client to finally
give herself permission to honor her own desires, and to
trust that she could still have love, connection, and
friendships, even when she said no. The way out was
through.
“Let’s slow down for a minute. Breathe and feel your
body. Where do you feel that guilt and discomfort?” I asked.
“In my chest,” she said.
“Good, let’s slow down even more. Bring all of your
attention right to that place in your chest, and just breathe.
No need to make it go away or run from it. Just meet it with
curiosity, patience, and love.”
We sat in silence for several minutes, both paying
attention. I could feel her energy shifting from fear and
flight to being more centered, clearer.
“What if it were safe for you to say what you wanted?” I
asked. “What if others temporarily felt disappointed, but
loved you anyways?”
She sat in silence for a few moments pondering these
questions. I knew the answer that she spoke wouldn’t
matter as much because the question had already gotten
in. Her mind was already processing the possibility that it
is OK to speak up for herself and say no.
And the same is true for you.
4. Warmth & Appreciation
 This approach helps you stay connected with the other
person as you say no. Many people, just like my client
above, feel uncomfortable saying no. We imagine all kinds
of negative feelings and reactions from the other people
involved. And so, to combat this, we marshal our inner
warrior and gear up for a fight. This makes our no come out
more harshly than needed, which often brings about the
reactions we are most afraid of. In the words of the wise
Taoist master Oogway, “One often meets his destiny on the
road he takes to avoid it.”
Instead, you can convey warmth and appreciation as you
say no. This starts with fully realizing that you are not
doing anything wrong and that you have complete
permission to say no. It also requires that you let go of
over-responsibility for the feelings of others. Yes, they
might feel sad or disappointed, and that’s OK. You can
witness that and even support them, just as you might if
their upset had come from something else in their life.
Warmth is communicated in your voice tone, facial
expressions, and body language. Appreciation is
communicated verbally by thanking them for the offer.
Here’s an example from just last night. We were having
dinner with my parents, who were visiting from Las Vegas.
My wife, children, and I are planning on flying out to Las
Vegas for four days in the spring to visit my folks and have
some fun in the sun. It will be the first time we’ve flown our
kids out there. As we ate dinner, my dad began.
“How long are you planning on visiting?” he said.
“Four days,” I said.
“That’s it?” he said.
“Yeah,” I said. My voice tone was upbeat and friendly.
Note the lack of apology or explanation here. I had done
nothing wrong.
 “Well, you guys could come for longer,” he said. “You had
mentioned wanting to rent an RV for a week in the summer.
You could start your RV trip out in Vegas and make a road
trip home.”
“Thanks for the invite, Dad, I appreciate how much you
love having us out there. I think we’ll pass on the RV idea,
but I’m really looking forward to bringing the boys out
there. I think they’ll love your pool.”
Warmth was conveyed in my voice and sharing the
aspects of the trip I’m looking forward to. I also directly
thanked him and said that I appreciated his offer. This is a
simple yet masterful way to stay connected with someone
when you’re saying no. This allows you to still be kind,
without having to say yes to something that you don’t really
want to do.
Side Note: Beware using the word “but” when
appreciating someone. But is a contradicting phrase that
tends to negate whatever you said before it.
For example let’s say you ask a friend how a recent
baseball game was, and they replied “Watching the game
was fun, but it was way too hot.” It was fun, BUT it was too
hot. The heat tends to overshadow the fun.
In terms of saying no, notice how you respond to this:
“Thanks for offering, I really enjoy spending time with you,
but I’m busy that weekend.” It’s subtle, but people often
hear the first part of that sentence as just a platitude or you
being nice. They don’t buy that you really feel that way.
One simple solution is to avoid using the word but in
those situations. You can either use the word “and” or just
make it two statements.
“Thanks for offering, I really enjoy spending time with
you, and unfortunately I’m busy that weekend.”
“Thanks for offering, I really enjoy spending time with
you. I’m busy that weekend, so I won’t be able to join.”
Both of these allow your warmth and appreciation to be
received more fully, and make it less likely that they will be
seen as something you are just saying to make the other
person feel better.

5. Say No Early
Do it. Rip off the Band-Aid and just say it now. Because in
so many instances, you already know that you want to say
no. You know you don’t want to attend that event, or that
you don’t feel like going out with that friend that evening.
But instead of saying no right away, because that might
seem offensive or dismissive, and it’s your job to take care
of everyone’s feelings after all, you say, “Hmm, maybe. Let
me check my calendar and get back to you.”
Now you have this future no hanging over you. It becomes
a bigger deal, and something uncomfortable you want to
avoid. In addition, it leaves the other people involved
hanging with a loose end, unsure where you stand. It’s not
good for you or them.
Instead, say no early. Say no instantly.
“Hey, do you want to go see that new Captain America
movie?”
“Ehh, I’m not a big fan of the comic book movies. Let’s do
something else.”
“The three of us are getting together after the conference
to get a bite to eat. I’d love to catch up with you. Want to
join us?”
“Oh, thanks. Catching up sounds really good, and I’d love
to do that. This evening won’t work though, I’m planning
on running and then having some down time. Want to do
breakfast on Sunday?”
 (If you don’t want to catch up with this person, just leave
off that last question. Do not offer this out of politeness!)
Rather than offending others, saying no early is actually
refreshing and very appealing. People know that you will
say what you want and don't want, and they will trust you
more as a result.
---
Here we are, at the end of part II. You've now discovered
the five pillars of bold assertion and have clarity on how to
shed your niceness and build your authenticity.
I want to honor you for joining me this far in the journey.
Breaking out of nice programming and being who you
really are in the world is not an easy feat. It requires deep
commitment and courage. You making it this far
demonstrates that you have both.
Well, it demonstrates you are committed. As for courage,
that can only be demonstrated by one thing—action. Will
you take action on what you are learning? Are you applying
your insights and taking risks in your life to be more boldly
you?
If so, then your freedom and success are inevitable. It's
only a matter of time. The more you practice being
authentic instead of being nice, the more doors will open in
your life. Your energy will increase because you are not
wasting it on worry, fear, and guilt. You become more and
more powerful and are able to pursue what you want,
create what inspires you and live life on your terms.
This is exactly what the next part of this book is all about:
living life on your terms. It will help you shed any
remaining fears, doubts, rules, and inner criticisms that
keep you from fully being who you are in this life.
The final part of this book is focused on helping you
create a road map to put everything you've learned into
practice. Because if you aren't taking action by the end of
this book, then I haven't done my job.
 PART III:
LIFE ON YOUR TERMS
 CHAPTER 12:

INCREASE YOUR DISCOMFORT

TOLERANCE
As you’re reading this book, you’ve discovered many of the
reasons you used to hold back and be nice. You've
uncovered all the psychology behind this pattern of people
pleasing and learned why you do what you do.
Despite all the nuance and complexity, we can sum up
your need to be nice in just one word: comfort. Being nice,
pleasing, and polite is more comfortable than doing
otherwise. Sure, it creates pain and suffering in the long
run, leading you to feel held back, restricted, anxious, and
depressed. But in the short term, it's a heck of a lot more
comfortable.
Speaking up, being direct, having conflict, expressing
what you really want, saying no—all of these can be quite
uncomfortable. And so, staying nice is a great way to stay
comfortable.
But if you want to be more you, then there is only one
pathway to get there—discomfort. Yes, I’m afraid it's true.
There’s no way to intellectually solve this entire situation
from the safety of your cozy armchair. The only way out is
through.
Saying no, taking risks, making mistakes, being messy,
and learning and growing is the only way. Of course,
understanding your old beliefs, upgrading your map of
relationships, and all the other mindset shifts from this
book are helpful. They’re liberating. But only if they lead to
direct action, which will be uncomfortable, no matter how
many affirmations you say today.
I've known this to be true for many years. In fact, that's
why I included a warning in my previous book that said
“comfort is killing you.” I wanted people to act so they
could take control of their lives and their destinies.
But it was only recently that I became fascinated with
discomfort. I was thinking about it one day during a long
run on a wet spring morning in Portland, Oregon. As I'm
known to do, I will often speak out loud to myself while
running, just to seem slightly insane to the people I pass.
Good old embarrassment inoculation.
“If the desire for comfort is what keeps us stuck, then
willing to be uncomfortable is what sets us free,” I said to
myself.
“So, discomfort equals freedom… It equals results and
success. Really?” It seemed strange since so much of what
people are pursuing is more comfort.
But the story checked out.
Meeting people and expanding your social life? Requires
discomfort.
Finding love and then creating a deeply fulfilling, life-
magnifying relationship? Big time discomfort.
Growing a business, pursuing your dream career, or
rising to the highest levels in a company? Mega discomfort.
“If that's the case, then the more discomfort I can
handle, the faster I'll grow, the more I'll achieve my
dreams, and the better my life will be.”
It may sound crazy, but it’s true. The main obstacles that
stop you from having the life you want are not external.
They’re internal. It’s your fears, doubts, unwillingness to
fail, insecurities, and so forth. And all of these are simply
painful emotions that we experience in our bodies. So, if we
can build our discomfort tolerance muscle, then we can
handle all of these inevitable discomforts more easily, and
not shy away from them.
This still seemed a little strange to me, but I decided to
test it out. What if I actively made myself uncomfortable, on
purpose, to strengthen my discomfort tolerance muscle?
What would the results be? And, how could I give myself
some discomfort?
 SEEKING OUT DISCOMFORT
The body isn’t used to the 9th, 10th, 11th and 12th rep with
a certain weight. That’s what makes the body grow: going
through this pain barrier. Experiencing pain and aching in
your muscles and then just going on and on and on… That’s
what divides one who is a champion from someone who’s
not a champion. If you can go through this pain barrier you
can become a champion. If you can’t, then forget it. That’s
what most people lack – the guts. The guts to go through
and say, I don’t care what happens. I might fall down. I have
no fear of fainting in the gym. I know it could happen. I
threw up many times while working out, but it doesn’t
matter. It’s all worth it.
- Arnold Schwarzenegger, 7-Time Mr. Olympia Winner,
1977, Pumping Iron
Ice showers. This was the first thing I thought of as I
began intentionally seeking out discomfort. I’d heard about
taking cold showers for a long time, and had never really
done it more than a handful of times, always finding it
miserable. Miserable you say? I’m in!
So, I made a commitment to take a one-minute cold
shower every day. I ended up on a routine of one minute
hot, one minute as cold as our water would go (which is
pretty cold, especially in the winter), one minute hot, one
minute cold.
The first day, I noticed I felt nervous before the shower. I
anticipated the discomfort and was dreading it. My son
Zaim heard me mention taking an “ice shower” and had
come into the bathroom to witness the spectacle.
“I’m scared!” I said to him, right before hopping in the
shower.
“Why?” he asked.
 Good question, little Yoda. Why was I scared? I actually
had to pause and think about that one. Because it’s going to
be so uncomfortable! my mind said.
But why is that so scary? I wasn’t in any physical danger.
As far as I knew, sixty seconds of cold water never killed
anybody or permanently damaged them. In fact, research
on the subject by Scott Carney, author of What Doesn’t Kill
Us, suggested cold showers actually strengthening our
bodies and immune systems. I didn’t have a good answer,
so I just said the truth:
“I don’t know.”
I got in and began with my minute of sweet, sweet hot
water. Delightful. Except for the impending doom. After
about fifty seconds, as I reached towards the faucet to turn
the dial from the far left to the far right, my heart began to
pound. My body was getting geared up for fight or flight. I
was fascinated by the level of fear pumping through my
veins. And then... ICE.
The freezing cold water shocked my skin. I involuntarily
gasped and began breathing rapidly. My body wanted to
pull out of the stream of frigid water, but that would defeat
the purpose. Then, my clever brain offered an alternative
form of escape, which would be to have the water just hit
my back, not my chest, armpits, or head, which was more
uncomfortable. But discomfort was the name of the game,
so I turned around, raised my arms, and let the water hit
my warm, tender armpits.
The minute of ice-cold water seemed to take longer than
the minute of relaxing hot water. Shocking! But eventually
the minute passed and I turned the faucet back to max
heat. Sweet relief. I repeated the process once more and
the second blast was not as bad as the first. Then, I got out
of the shower, feeling wide-awake, energized, and
victorious. Who needs coffee?
My original commitment was to do the cold shower once
per day for thirty days. Within two days, my body stopped
responding with rapid heartbeat and fear. Within two
weeks, the cold blasts felt normal and I actually liked the
intensity of the experience, and the energy I felt afterward.
My son Zaim even started taking his own ice showers.
Like me, he was scared at first.
“I want to do the warm water first,” he said.
“Start with warm water?” I said. “Sounds good.”
“Then do cold for really short. Cold for four minutes,” he
said. He held up four fingers as he said this, showing his
newfound power to make number symbols with his hands.
“Four minutes?” I exclaimed. “That’s kind of a long time.
Do you mean four seconds?”
“Yeah.”
So, we did cold for four seconds his first time. Within
several days he was going back and forth between hot and
cold for longer and longer. In one shower he actually had it
on cold for more of the time than he had it on hot. Beast.
Based upon this simple little experiment, I started to ask
life-changing questions. Is it possible that we get used
to discomfort and then tolerate more of it? Can we
actually build our discomfort tolerance muscle?
And, most importantly, is discomfort tolerance
transferable from one thing to another? As in, does being
able to withstand icy water increase my capacity to resist
unhealthy foods, take risks in business, or be more bold
and authentic while sharing? There was only one way to
find out: more discomfort.
For my next feat of masochism, I decided to bring
discomfort-building to my diet. I had been working out in
earnest for about six months and had noticed increased
strength, energy, and sexiness (everybody says so). I was
speaking with my personal trainer about how to enhance
my body composition, build muscle, and reduce body fat.
He gave me a specific ratio of carbohydrates, fat, and
protein and had me reduce my total intake by 600 calories
per day.
“Let’s try this for two weeks and see how your body
responds,” he said casually.
Sounded simple enough. Except it involved greatly
reducing the amounts of the delicious healthy fats I was
using to make my meals tasty, like guacamole, almond
butter, and olive oil.
In addition, 600 hundred calories is uncomfortable. I was
hungry much of the day. Hungry, fewer yummy fats, more
vegetables, and tons of beans. If the ice shower was a five-
pound weight for my discomfort tolerance muscle, these
new changes were a twenty-pound weight.
I began to study discomfort even more closely over the
next few weeks. What was the sensation of hunger? Where
did I feel that discomfort in my body? When I ate simple
foods like beans and vegetables, how was that
uncomfortable? Where did I feel that discomfort? In my
mouth? Elsewhere in my body? In my heart? In my mind?
Even more fascinating, I began to see how discomfort has
two elements:
1. The actual uncomfortable sensations in the body.
2. Mentally labeling something as “discomfort” and then
resisting it.
The first one can involve many different feelings,
depending on the discomfort. It can also be localized, in
that I can feel discomfort in one part of my body, and be
totally comfortable in another part.
The mental label of discomfort, on the other hand, was
global and more static. My mind would say: I’m
uncomfortable. I don’t like this. This is bad and it should
stop now. This would create frustration, unhappiness, and
suffering. It would also imply that the experience was
wrong and somehow shouldn’t exist. Everything is
uncomfortable right now, and it’s terrible.
My journey into discomfort tolerance continued and still
continues to this day, including things like sprinting and
extended meditations. I find the entire thing utterly
fascinating and see tremendous growth from being willing
to intentionally take on things that are uncomfortable. It’s
the secret gateway to glory, to achieving anything we want
in any area of life.
What about you? What’s your relationship to discomfort?
When do you avoid it? Do you do so habitually,
automatically, without even considering it? Are there times
when you seek it out? As you reflect on these questions,
let’s look at how increasing your discomfort tolerance will
serve you specifically in this process of being less nice and
pleasing, and more bold, authentic, and expressive. Let’s
explore how being willing to be uncomfortable is the secret
to freedom and power.
 HANDLING UNCOMFORTABLE
FEELINGS
As you’ve seen throughout this book, the core force
keeping us stuck in niceness is fear. But fear of what
specifically? While we can have a long list of different
scenarios, it really comes down to just two things: We are
afraid of feelings that upset others, and uncomfortable
feelings in ourselves.
We are afraid that, due to our actions, other people will
feel hurt, sad, disappointed, angry, frustrated, ignored,
unloved, or inferior. When other people experience those
feelings, this creates discomfort in us, especially if we have
a habit of being overly responsible for the feelings of
others. We feel responsible, guilty, offensive, bad, selfish,
and then hurt, sad, disappointed, angry, frustrated,
ignored, unloved, or inferior. Feeling soup.
This interplay between our feelings and theirs can be so
murky, and so uncomfortable, that we choose to avoid the
whole mess by suppressing our feelings, desires, and most
of ourselves. This avoids the messy feeling soup, but it
creates other things that are problematic, which we
discussed earlier in this book: resentment, anxiety,
depression, physical pain, and other life-draining
experiences.
So, in a sense, you really only have two options:
Discomfort A: Expressing the real you and dealing with
the uncomfortable feelings that arise as you do so; Or,
Discomfort B: Stuffing the real you and dealing with
different kinds of uncomfortable feelings.
On the plus side, Discomfort A is temporary and, when
you do it consistently, leads to greater and greater levels of
power, ease, and freedom. Discomfort B, on the other hand,
only compounds. The feelings don’t discharge, and
suffering continues to mount. There is no end to this kind of
pain, unless you choose to switch over to Discomfort A.
I’ll just assume you are on board for trying out Discomfort
A, since that is the whole point of this book. If you’re still
not ready, take a quick tour back through Chapter 5 about
the costs of nice. I think it will inspire you to try something
new and to do what it takes to liberate yourself.
UPSET IN OTHERS
Do you spend a great deal of time worried that someone
might get upset with you? Does it cause background
anxiety when you’re on your way to work, or going to the
gym? Is your body subtly braced for impact, just waiting for
that moment that someone might criticize you, voice
disappointment, or otherwise show upset?
Or, it might be less pervasive and arise in specific
situations. Perhaps you feel that fear only when having a
conversation about money or sex with your partner. Or
when you negotiate your rates for your business or
services. Or when you speak your opinion firmly in a
meeting. The list of potential places is endless, but the
underlying fear is the same–someone might be upset with
me.
Let’s handle this right now. It’s time to stop living in fear
of this generally infrequent, non-threatening event. This
fear is a remnant of our evolutionary past, when our brains
needed to scan the environment for threats to our lives.
Currently, few of us have daily threats to our lives, yet our
brain is designed to run that scan all day, every day. Given
the absence of predators or physical danger, “someone
being upset with me” has moved up the hierarchy of
danger.
That’s OK, because that’s just our two-million-year-old
brain doing what it’s designed to do. The issue is when we
respond to the danger messages as if they’re entirely real
and life-threatening. The truth is, someone being upset
with us is just a trigger for a series of uncomfortable
feelings in our body. That’s it. So, if you can manage
those uncomfortable feelings, you’re fine. No puncture
wounds from teeth, no skulls cracked, no being ostracized
from the tribe to starve in the wilderness, and no death.
Just discomfort.
Let’s look at three specific techniques you can use today
to handle the discomfort of someone being upset with you.
These tools will give you confidence that you can deal with
the situation when it arises, and help you let go of the
chronic fear of it happening in the future.
DISARM
Knowing that you can disarm someone who is upset with
you is one of the most valuable skills in the world. I learned
a great deal about this technique, and the acceptance
paradox, from one of my teachers, Dr. David Burns. If you
want to go deeper with these, I highly recommend his
books, including Feeling Good, Intimate Connections, and
When Panic Attacks.
There are two elements to disarming someone who’s
upset: empathy and agreeing with them. Now before you
cringe at how nice this sounds, hear me out. It actually
allows you to connect with them without taking
responsibility for their feelings, saying things you don’t
mean, or letting them walk all over you just to make the
problem go away. This is different from being nice.
First, when someone is upset, they want to be heard.
They want to be seen, acknowledged, and validated. They
don’t want to be argued with, told they’re stupid or wrong,
or ignored. Unfortunately, out of fear of conflict, this is
often exactly what we do. Even when we’re trying to be
nice. Let me demonstrate with an example.
Let’s say your spouse’s parents are in town for the
weekend. You plan on hosting them, taking them out to
dinner, and otherwise being a great son or daughter-in-law.
At the same time, you have an opportunity to spend some
time with your friends on Saturday, which you decided to
do. Your spouse has feelings about this. Perhaps they come
out immediately. Or perhaps it starts with some huffy
sounds and a lack of eye contact. Maybe their responses
are a little terse, or they ask you why you bought so many
damn green crackers that are clogging up the pantry. (That
one is totally hypothetical. I’ve never done that.)
 You notice the clues, so you ask your partner how they’re
doing, and if they’re upset about something. Then this
comes out:
THEM: I’m sad about you not being with us today. I feel
hurt that you’d rather spend time with your friends than be
with me and Mom and Dad. It’s so rare that they come into
town.
YOU: SHUT UP! (run crying out of the kitchen)
No, that’s probably unlikely. But, the impulse here is to
defend yourself, isn’t it?
YOU: It’s only for this afternoon. We went out to dinner
last night and then I’ll be spending the day with everyone
on Sunday.
This response seems perfectly reasonable, and it is. But it
doesn’t actually do anything to handle the underlying
feelings. If anything, it will intensify the other person’s
upset, because they won’t feel heard, acknowledged, or
validated. Thus, they might come back with more intensity
to convey their point, which in turn creates more
defensiveness. Then the rest of the weekend sucks for
everybody.
Instead, you can disarm them. This involves simply
acknowledging what they are feeling, and then finding the
grain of truth in what they are saying. Your spouse in this
example is actually doing a great job of specifically voicing
their feelings. Sometimes people don’t actually do this, and
instead they speak in code. You have to infer what their
underlying feelings are. Once you do, you simply
acknowledge that they’re feeling that way.
THEM: I’m sad about you not being with us today. I feel
hurt that you’d rather spend time with your friends than be
with me and Mom and Dad. It’s so rare that they come into
town.
 YOU: I’m sorry you’re feeling sad, sweetie. I get it. You
were hoping that we’d all spend the afternoon together,
and you’re feeling hurt that I’m choosing to spend time
with Landon and Ben. It feels like I’m choosing them over
you.
That’s it. No apology, no defense. Just a simple reflection
of what they must be feeling like, described with empathy
and love. You know you’re doing it right when as soon as
you finish speaking, the other person wants to share more.
“Yes! And…” That’s a good sign. If your tone is dismissive
or subtly mocking them for having so many feelings, then it
won’t work very well, and they’ll most likely shut down, or
defend their feelings.
The key here is to really empathize with their situation.
This only becomes possible when you’re not overwhelmed
with guilt and pain every time you act in your own healthy
self-interest. If you haven’t worked through that, then it
will be almost impossible to not defend yourself, because
on some level you feel shame and as if you’ve done
something wrong.
Another element of disarming someone is to find
something to agree with in what they’re saying.
YOU: I know Mom and Dad come into town only once in a
while; it’s true.
YOU: I get it. I imagine I would feel upset if it were the
other way around. I’d want you to want nothing more than
to just spend the entire day with us. It’s so much more fun
when you’re there.
If you combine this kind of agreement with empathy, you
will rapidly resolve conflict. Typically, upset people just
want to be seen and heard, and if you can do so, their upset
will often pass quickly.
Then, it’s possible to go deeper and explore what’s really
going on. Not to defend yourself, but to get closer to your
spouse, and have them gain self-awareness. Why are they
so upset about you taking some time for yourself? Do they
have any feelings about their parents visiting? This can
often stimulate a lot of feelings in people, ranging from
longing for a connection they never quite get, to memories
from childhood, to sadness about the awareness of their
parents’ eventual death. There’s so much you two could be
talking about and using to share a deep connection.
This technique is so powerful because it gives you a tool
to handle conflict when it arises. Take a moment to think
about someone in your life that you sometimes fear might
be upset with you. It could be a specific person, such as
your supervisor or spouse, or a category of people, such as
clients or employees. Regardless, take a moment to think
about who would make you most anxious if they were
upset. Instead of briefly touching on the fear, and then
scrambling to make sure it never happens, slow down.
Breathe. Move towards the fear instead of avoiding it. Lean
into the discomfort.
What are you afraid they would be upset with you about?
Be as specific as possible. What would they say? What are
they really thinking, but would never say? Then write it out
and actually have a dialogue with them on paper. Go back
and forth, in the dialogue, approaching that imaginary
upset person with empathy and curiosity.
The Acceptance Paradox
The most powerful way to handle any upset or criticism is
to simply accept a piece of it as true. This is often the last
thing we want to do because when someone is upset they
might be stating or implying that we’re bad, hurtful, selfish,
or otherwise no good. Even if they don’t think this, we
might start to feel that way, and then need to defend
ourselves.
And yet, if we can agree with some aspect of the
criticism, without agreeing that we’re a bad person, we
neutralize the conflict and boost our self-esteem. We
acknowledge that we’re human, and let go of the need to
be perfect. As humans, sometimes we say the wrong thing,
are insensitive, focus too much on ourselves, harbor angry
or resentful thoughts, and so much more. It’s a huge relief
when we can stop pretending that none of that is
happening.
To gain skill with this technique, I recommend you write
out some of the criticisms you fear. Then, practice simply
accepting a piece of each one. Let me demonstrate. Here
are a few criticisms that come to my mind. The first three
I’ve received from others. The last one has come solely
from my own inner critic.
Criticism: You don’t really care about helping people. You
are greedy and just want to take their money. (I get this one
about once per month, usually from someone I’ve never met
via email).
Response: It’s true, sometimes I don’t care about helping
people. Sometimes I’m focused on myself and not really
thinking about all the people in the world who are suffering
in different ways and need help.
Criticism: Your YouTube videos are too focused on helping
men, you don’t care about women.
Response: Yeah, a lot of my videos, especially my early
ones, were geared specifically towards men. I didn’t
directly address women in those videos.
Criticism: Your books are total garbage. Long-winded, no
value in them at all.
Response: Ha, they definitely are long! I have a lot to
share. My books are not for everybody. Some people really
don’t like them.
Criticism: Your clients don’t actually improve. You don’t
really help anybody. You suck as a coach.
Response: I have had clients who didn’t make that much
progress. That has happened.
Even in doing this exercise, my impulse here is to defend
myself. And, to be clear, that’s not necessarily a bad thing.
But if we can embrace the acceptance paradox and not
need to clarify, justify, or make ourselves look better
immediately, we gain a tremendous freedom.
Because even though we’re afraid of these
criticisms coming from the outside, what we’re really
afraid of is these criticisms coming from the inside.
It’s our own critic that we’re most scared of.
The only kind of criticism that really gets to us, that cuts
right to our hearts and then lingers in our minds for weeks
afterwards, is one that already aligns with a criticism we
have of ourselves. Let me demonstrate. If I were to meet
you and then tell you, “you have weird hands. Your hands
are stupid looking,” what would happen next? (Other than
you thinking I’m a jerk). Would you be hurt about it for
days? Would you feel terrible and ashamed of your hands?
Most likely not.
What are you talking about? They’re hands. They seem
normal enough to me…
Unless, of course, you have some ongoing criticism of
your hands. If so, replace the word “hands” in this example
with “elbows.” I’d imagine very few people receive self-
criticism about their elbows.
The point here is criticism only gets in when your inner
critic has already paved the way. And when you’re doing
these kinds of exercises, like the acceptance paradox,
you’re mainly dealing with your own inner critic. You can
argue with and defend yourself against your critic all day,
and usually not make it very far. But if you simply accept
the grain of truth, without taking on the implication that
you’re bad, you can feel a deep sense of freedom and relief.
The Peace Process
We discussed the peace process earlier in the chapter
about boundaries. It’s an extremely valuable tool, and one
that I use every day. It’s especially valuable in helping
resolve feelings of fear and anger about others being upset
with us.
There are many ways to access the feelings you have
about others being upset with you. Sometimes, it’s easy
because there is actually someone upset with you. If that’s
not happening, you can imagine doing something you
learned in this book, such as asking for what you want or
saying no to someone. When you imagine doing that, you
may start to fear someone being upset. I’ve found that
behind almost all of our surface fears, there’s a deeper fear
of the pain that comes with someone being upset with us,
judging us, or otherwise disapproving of us.
Once you’ve accessed the feeling, simply bring all of your
attention right to the sensation in your body. Stay out of
your mind – no need to make sense of the feeling, justify it,
or challenge it. It doesn’t need to make sense or be
rational. Drop beneath your mind and go down, down to the
center of the feeling in your throat, chest, stomach, or
anywhere else you feel it in your body.
And then, just breathe. Be with it. Meet it with curiosity,
acceptance, patience, and love. This is a form of self-
soothing that is often much more healing than trying to
think your way out of it. As you tune in even deeper to the
subtle sensations in your body, you can gently repeat in
your mind the following phrase, “It’s OK. You’re OK.”
 If you want to significantly become less afraid of others
being upset with you, I recommend doing this exercise for
twenty minutes each day. Sometimes the feelings will
dissolve and you will feel completely relaxed. Other times
you will feel them for twenty minutes, and you’ll still feel
fear or pain about someone being upset. That’s fine. Each
time you do this, you’re providing a level of love and
healing to yourself that you may have never received
before. It’s like working out or eating vegetables: even if it
doesn’t immediately feel good every single time, it’s
extremely helpful overall. Trust that each time you do it,
you’re healing, releasing fear, and becoming more
powerful, confident, and free to be you.
Just a reminder, you can go through the peace process
with me by visiting the website for the book and listening
to the Peace Process audio there: NotNiceBook.com.
 HIGH QUALITY DISCOMFORT
As you build your capacity to tolerate discomfort, more and
more possibilities will open up in your life. In fact, the
pathway out of Extra Niceville and into being your most
powerful, authentic self requires discomfort tolerance. Here
are just a few of the things we’ve discussed in this book
along that pathway: Saying no
Asking directly for what you want Being assertive Having
disagreement or conflict with another (and approaching it
directly) Speaking up for yourself Taking care of yourself
Acting in your healthy self-interest (instead of self-
sacrificing) If you’ve been nice for years, virtually every
single one of these will be uncomfortable when you first
start doing them. Hell, some of them are uncomfortable
for me even after doing them for years. But I do them
anyway because I know they will greatly enhance my life
and help me do what I’m here to do. The discomfort is not
totally gone, I’m just more powerful in the face of it. And
the same will be true for you.
CHOOSE IT
Discomfort is inevitable in life. No matter how safe,
predictable and small we might try to keep our lives, we
can’t escape. Even if you avoid all of the items from the list
above, play it extra nice, and avoid all risks, you’ll still get
uncomfortable.
You will become stagnant, stuck, and bored with your life.
You’ll feel the pain and discomfort of life passing you by,
and living on the sidelines. You’ll also feel the discomfort of
living a fearful, sedentary life–low energy, weight gain,
fewer deep connections, and a lack of love in your life.
On the other hand, you can avoid these kinds of
discomforts by choosing another kind. You can
experience the discomfort of taking healthy risks,
moving towards what you want, being authentic, and
taking life on. That brings a whole new set of discomforts
with it – fear, doubt, guilt, uncertainty. But unlike the first
kind, these discomforts are like working out: uncomfortable
in the short term, but liberating in the long term. When you
voluntarily confront discomfort, you become stronger, more
resilient, and powerful.
In fact, some part of you knows it’s right to face
discomfort. It can actually feel good as well as
uncomfortable when you say no, speak up for yourself, or
ask for what you want. That’s the entire point. To be able to
take action, and do what you want, in spite of fear or
others’ feelings. This is freedom.
Many people I speak with have this as their goal: I want
to feel comfortable speaking in groups, or getting closer
with others, or sharing myself more freely, or approaching
someone I find attractive. I think these are great goals, but
I always tell them that comfort is the last result.
 Action comes first. It usually goes something like this:
Let’s say your goal is to be more comfortable speaking in
groups. First, you speak up in groups, and it’s
uncomfortable. You feel nervous, and maybe a little clunky
or awkward. Then, eventually, when you speak up it
becomes smoother, but you still feel nervous inside. Then,
finally, you speak up in groups and it’s smooth and you feel
relaxed. Comfort is a long way off, I’m afraid. And if
comfort is a prerequisite for action, then you will never
take action.
The same is true for every single one of the Not Nice
Pillars. Each one will be awkward and uncomfortable, then
externally smooth but internally uncomfortable, then
externally smooth and internally relaxed. There is no magic
way around this process. Of course, by doing inner work,
changing your beliefs, using the peace process and other
tools from this book, you can lessen the discomfort and
increase your capacity to take healthy action. But instant
and complete comfort from the get-go is not an option.
RELISH THE DISCOMFORT
Since discomfort is inevitable, and moving into it by choice
actually makes us more powerful and free, we might as
well enjoy it. Now, I know that might sound crazy, but let’s
see how that could actually become a reality.
Imagine you’re in a conversation with someone and
there’s a moment of silence. In that moment, you aren’t
sure what to say. It looks like they aren’t either. You start to
feel awkward, with a growing sense of pressure to come up
with something else to say. In other words, discomfort.
Our typical response to these kinds of situations is to
react with an internal: Blegh! Make it stop! Make it go
away! We generally perceive it as a bad thing that is
somehow harmful or damaging to us. But what if you
turned towards it. What if you said to yourself, “Yes! This is
so awkward! Bring it on!”
How on earth could you do such an insane thing? Because
you know it’s actually good for you. It’s just like lifting
weights or working out in any other fashion. When you’re
in that moment of pushing through a challenging set, or
hitting a wall on the fifth mile of your run, you have two
choices. You can start fighting it: Ugh! This is too hard. It’s
too hot out. I can’t do this. I hate this exercise. When am I
going to be done?
Or…
You can lean into it. You push harder and feel the burn
because you know that leaning into the edge of your
capacity will make you grow. If you can lift that weight now,
you’ll be able to lift more later. If you pump those legs and
feel that burn in your chest as you run, and you keep going,
then you’ll be able to run further and faster in the future.
You move towards the discomfort because you know it’s
making you stronger.
What if you started seeing emotional discomfort that way?
What if you approached awkwardness, embarrassment,
fear, challenge, conflict, and all the other things you used
to be scared of in the same way? You just might find that
you start to enjoy it.
After doing years of a technique called Embarrassment
Inoculation, I’ve found I actually relish the experience of
embarrassment. Embarrassment Inoculation is a method of
eliminating your fear of what other people think of you by
intentionally doing things that embarrass you. These might
include lying down on a busy sidewalk, dancing on a street
corner, or trying to order a pizza at Baskin Robbins ice
cream shop. You do things that will draw attention, and will
draw judgment. On purpose. And by doing so, you discover
that it’s no big deal and you can handle whatever happens.
It’s a profoundly liberating experience and I have
everyone at my live weekend events get a chance to
practice doing this. Reading about it is one thing, but
actually doing it repeatedly over the course of three days is
entirely different, and life-transforming.
Having done these types of exercises myself for years,
I’ve essentially burnt out my embarrassment circuit. As in,
it’s very difficult for to do something that makes me feel
embarrassed.
Just recently I was with a client in a 1-on-1 VIP day, and
we were out in the streets of Portand on a beautiful, sunny
spring day. We were playing a game where we took turns
telling the other person who to walk up to and what to say.
He told me to chase down a delivery man pulling a cart of
soda cans and snacks and ask him if I could pull his cart for
a minute. I did, and the guy put his head down, walked
faster, and didn’t look at me. Perhaps he thought I was
trying to hijack his palette of soda.
Then my client told me to walk over to a woman on her
cell phone and ask her what she was talking about. Done
and done.
“Excuse me,” I said, leaning my head forward to get into
her peripheral vision.
“I’m on the phone,” she said, sternly.
“I know,” I said, nodding. “Who are you talking to?” I
asked in a loud whisper.
“A friend,” she said, furrowing her brow.
Awkward city. I could feel her resistance to me talking
with her. And yet the challenge was to find out what she
was talking about, so my job wasn’t done.
“I gotcha. What are you guys talking about?” I said.
“That’s none of your business,” she said firmly.
“Fair enough,” I said, cheerily, and walked off.
I would never have been able to have this sort of thing
years ago. I would have been too terrified, too mortified, or
both. The embarrassment would have destroyed me. And
now, I felt no embarrassment whatsoever. I found the entire
exchange fascinating and amusing. I liked her boundaries
and her use of the phrase, “that’s none of your business.”
Now, asking strangers random and strange questions
could be a cool party trick, but is not likely your ultimate
goal. But what doors could it open up? I remember one
instance in graduate school when I was out to dinner with a
group of friends. Two women in the group were discussing
a couple at a nearby table, and playfully debating over
what date the couple was on. Was it their first date, fifth
date, or were they a long-term couple? Each one was
offering her opinion, based on cleverly deduced clues. At
some point the debate petered out and they seemed to be
done.
 “Do you guys want to find out who was right?” I asked.
“How would you do that?” One of my friends asked me.
“By asking them,” I said, slightly amused at her question.
“No!” One of them exclaimed. As if doing so was
somehow wrong or dangerous.
I smiled. She needed to read my future book.
“I’ll be right back,” I said.
I walked over towards the couple and with a smile said,
“Excuse me.” They looked up, curious.
“A few of my friends couldn’t help but notice you from
over there,” I said as I gestured towards my group of
friends. The two women who’d been discussing the couple
smiled sheepishly. Well, one of them smiled. The one who’d
exclaimed “No!” at the idea of me approaching the couple
directly looked more like she was grimacing. Good. The
benefits of Embarrassment Inoculation are partially
transferable, even if you’re just observing the experience.
“You guys are a beautiful couple. Have you been together
a long time, or just recently started dating?” I asked.
They both smiled and lit up. “We’ve been together about
three months,” the woman said.
“Wow, that’s great,” I said. “How did you two meet?”
We ended up having a ten-minute conversation about
their relationship. They were so sweet and open, and
excited to share. When you approach people with boldness,
curiosity, and positive energy, the world is a friendly place.
What could open up for you in your life if you leaned into
discomfort? If you no longer recoiled or fled, but instead
moved towards the very thing that scared you, what would
you find on the other side?
You may have an intuitive sense, or some guesses. There’s
only one way to really find out for sure. Start getting into
that ice shower.
“Sometimes you have to get past your fear to see
the beauty on the other side.”
- Papa from The Good Dinosaur
 CHAPTER 13:

CHOOSE YOUR RULES

Why don’t we frankly say to children, "How do you do?
Welcome to the human race! We’re playing a game and
we’re playing by the following rules. We want to tell you
what the rules are so that you know your way around, and
when you understand what rules we’re playing by, when
you get older, you may be able to invent better ones...”
- Alan Watts, Playing the Game of Life
How do you determine what is allowed? How do you come
up with your rules?
Of course, there are the Big Rules — the laws of your
state and country. Most people follow most of those, most
of the time. But most of our day-to-day lives and choices
are not determined by laws.
How you speak and engage with people, the actions you
take, the ways you approach and interact with your fellow
humans… all of these are determined by your own internal
set of rules.
Some of these are situation specific. For example, you
may be more quiet and soft spoken at a funeral, wearing
simple, formal clothes. Other rule sets are not situation
specific at all. In fact, you may be carrying them with you
wherever you go.
As I emerged from my cloud of niceness and began to be
bolder and authentic, I realized I had no idea how to
behave. For most of my life my choices were based on what
I thought other people wanted or would approve of. The
topics I would share in conversations, the jokes I would
make, even my clothes and hairstyle were all chosen to
conform to what other people would want.
I’ve seen this again and again in clients recovering from
excessive niceness. From years without use, they’ve lost
touch with their own internal compass. The only
determining factor for their rules was: Will someone have a
negative response to this? If the answer could be a yes,
then they would avoid that thing. They’ve spent years, or
decades, orienting themselves to what other people think is
“right.”
To make matters worse, the rulemaking process is
cumulative. Each time we learn someone doesn’t like
something, we add it to the list of never-do’s. To take a
trivial example, let’s look at socks. When I was a little kid I
didn’t give a second thought about my socks. Zero percent
of my young childhood memories are of sock choices,
preferences, or who wore what kinds of socks. And then I
got to middle school.
On the first day of my new middle school, I instantly
realized I had made a huge mistake. I had worn white knee-
high socks with two red bands encircling the top. It was my
standard attire. I don’t think I’d even chosen them myself.
Perhaps my mom did, or they may have been a hand-me-
down from my brother. I didn’t know and I didn’t care,
because I didn’t have any rules about socks.
But from that day forward, I did have a rule because
every single boy in my class had short white socks that only
went up a few inches from their shoes. In an attempt to not
stand out as some sort of mutant, I hastily pushed my giant
knee-highs as far down as they could go. This created a
strange thick puddle of red and white around the tops of
my shoes. Fail.
So, from that day forward I learned your socks have to be
short. As soon as possible, I enrolled my mom into a trip to
the department store to get me some new socks so I could
fit in. For years I wore that exact kind of sock, which got
me all the way through high school. Then, when I was in
college, I happened to be wearing short black socks with
shorts. Gasp!
I’ll never forget when I learned the second rule about
socks. I was standing in line with several friends at the
Coachella music festival. It was early afternoon, and
blisteringly hot. I could hear the band playing on the main
stage and the distant thumping of the electronic music
tent, which was always my primary destination.
Being in an upbeat, energized mood, I turned to two
women in line next to us. I don’t remember exactly what I
said, but it was a simple question asking their opinion on
something trivial or silly. Instead of answering that
question, however, one of the women instantly fired back,
“Well it doesn’t matter what you do with those black socks
on.”
My memory of the exact wording is fuzzy, but the
emotional charge is not. Her tone was harsh and
dismissive, and I felt rejected. I didn’t know I’d broken
another rule, and I felt a wave of shame in that moment. Oh
no! All this time, black socks are not allowed either?
Flash forward to this day, decades after the first incident,
and I still have rules in my head about socks. If I’m wearing
longer black socks with shorts in the summer time, and we
meet up with friends, some part of my mind says, “I wonder
if they think that looks ridiculous.”
Seem crazy? It is. Yet we’re all doing it. We’re all
accumulating rule after rule about what’s ok. And each
person that we get disapproval from adds to our list of
rules until our band of acceptable behavior has narrowed
down to the thinnest strip of bland nicery.
 FOLLOWING ALL THE RULES
Remember that list of rules of you came up with way back
in Chapter 3? Your list of shoulds? Take a moment now to
find that list. And if you didn’t make it at the time…
SHAME. SHAME. SHAME. You’ve just broken a terrible
rule. That’s OK though, because you can always flip back to
Chapter 3, review that section (called “The List”), and
create it right now.
Take a few minutes to read through your list. Do you still
believe all of these rules? Perhaps your reaction to some of
them has changed since reading through this book and
coming up with your bill of rights. If so, and you’re feeling
more liberated, that is fantastic. Because ultimately, if
we’re trying to live by fifty oppressive rules, life is
generally miserable.
As you look at your list, I want to ask you some questions.
Where did these come from? Where did you learn them?
Did any of them really come from you?
In Chapter 3 I had you mark the ones that caused the
most problems in your life with an unhappy face. And if you
didn’t do that part, no worries, just do it now. Go through
and mark each rule that causes you to feel bad about
yourself on a regular basis with an unhappy face.
For each rule marked in this way, ask yourself, “Where
did I learn this?” The answer might come right away, or it
may be something you recall later, when you’re not even
actively thinking about it. You can reflect on what you
learned from your parents, since this is a major source of
many of our rules. As you do so, think about what they told
you directly, but also what you saw them do.
For example, let’s say one of your old rules is, “I should
never do anything that hurts anybody’s feelings.” Maybe
your parents didn’t sit you down and say to you, “Don’t
ever hurt anybody’s feelings. Ever.” (Although some
people’s parents do pretty much exactly this.) Instead, you
may have seen the disapproval and upset they expressed
when you did do something that upset someone else. Or
you may have witnessed how worried they were about
upsetting others, and how timidly they moved through the
world. This modeling is one of the most influential ways we
learned from our parents.
You don’t need to pinpoint an exact source. In fact, even
doing so, might not instantly free you from that rule. But
just engaging in the process of examining, “Where did I
learn this rule anyway?” already begins to shift something
in your mind.
It shows that you did indeed learn this rule. It isn’t some
objective truth passed down from the beginning of time
through all humans everywhere. It’s made up. Maybe by
your mom, or her mom, or her mom’s mom. Maybe it’s
been unconsciously passed down for generations,
completely unexamined. Maybe you learned it from some
kids in school when you were small. They were following
the rule because their parents did. Who knows?
The liberation here comes from seeing that anything that
was learned can be unlearned. It can be changed. And
changing your rules is exactly what we’re here to do.
IF ONLY I WERE GOOD
“Yes, I’m doing that,” she said.
I was about twenty minutes into a session with a client
and I had just pointed out that she was being expressive
and authentic around one group of people (certain doctors
and nurses in the hospital), but not around another group
of people (senior consultants and doctors who she viewed
as “more senior” than herself).
“Why?” I asked.
“Because I’m afraid they won’t like me. They’ll think it’s
inappropriate if I treat them like this,” she said.
“So to avoid that potential judgment, you’re showing up
differently. How do you act around them?” I said.
“I’m very respectful, polite. I keep it very professional,
just talk about the cases, no chitchat. I don’t smile or make
jokes as much. I’m very serious and much nicer,” she said.
“I see. So the plan is that if you’re serious, professional,
and nice, then you’ll be seen as appropriate and they will
then like you,” I said.
“Yes.”
“Is it working?” I asked.
“No!” she said quickly. “It’s not. They don’t get upset with
me, but I don’t think they really like me either. And I feel
anxious inside. I’m not being my real self around them. I’m
not showing by best self. I can be way more assertive,
warm, and funny. I think if they saw these things they
would like me more…” She paused for a moment, then
continued, “it’s like I’m following all the rules, but I’m
miserable.”
Indeed she was. As was I, for many years. I played by all
the rules that I had in my mind, that I assumed everyone in
the world agreed upon. I believed that if I pushed myself
hard enough, if I were just “good” enough, then I would get
love and respect from others, relationships, success, and
finally be able to love myself.
Unfortunately, it never happened. Partly because my rules
were so numerous and often conflicting. If one rule says,
“Don’t ever hurt anyone’s feelings, ever,” you’re already
screwed. It’s completely unobtainable, because if you’re
interacting with humans, at some point, someone is going
to have some hurt feelings around you. Even if you never
intentionally did this, and took extra care to avoid it, it will
happen. I promise you.
You can cause pain in another person by giving them a
compliment. Seriously. Just recently, a man in my
mastermind program brought up this exact point. He was
at a party with his wife and he was having a great time. He
was making great strides in his social confidence progress
and was really enjoying himself, mingling with the people
there (which is something he would have avoided like the
plague in the past). Instead, he was starting conversations,
flowing freely, and lacking self-consciousness. He was on
cloud nine.
Then, just as he and his wife were getting their coats on
and about to leave, the hostess approached them.
“I just have to say,” she said, “that you two are the cutest
couple here.”
My client instantly felt uncomfortable and became
flustered. “Uh, mm, thanks,” he said, awkwardly. According
to his report in the mastermind, he then proceeded to just
keep talking, not even aware of what he was saying. It
triggered so much anxiety and discomfort that he talked
and talked.
After he left he felt self-conscious and embarrassed. He
criticized himself on the way home about how foolish he
looked, and how he should have just said “thank you” and
left it at that.
In short, that compliment produced way more pain than it
did pleasure. Therefore, that hostess was a bad person. At
least according the The Rules.
So not only is the “Don’t hurt anyone’s feelings ever” an
unobtainable rule, but what if you have another rule that
says, “I should be honest and assertive with people all the
time.” This leads to all kinds of confusing experiences
where your two rules send opposite commands: Say it, no
don’t say it, but you have to say it, but I’m bad if I say it…
It’s like a robot that has two conflicting commands,
working itself up into a tizzy until its circuits fry.
And that’s pretty much what happens. You feel anxious,
self-critical, and depressed. It also makes relationships,
friendships, and all sorts of interactions feel restricting and
painful. You feel trapped. And you think it’s the other
people, you think it’s your workplace, or your boss, or your
girlfriend, or husband, or parents, or someone. But it’s you.
The rules are inside of you. You are the one writing
them, then following them.
And it’s time to break free.
 BREAKING THE RULES
What if there were no rules? What if you could do whatever
you wanted?
Now, before you dismiss that question and say, “Come on,
Aziz, obviously there are rules, so this is pointless. Besides,
without rules, people would pillage, rape, and murder each
other. It would be chaos.”
This kind of dismissive response is actually the nice-
person programming speaking, not you. It’s what you
would call a straw man argument, and it’s a favorite among
debaters and politicians all over the world. It’s when you
put forth an extreme example and then discredit it.
For example:
BOB: I think we should stop giving money to group A and
instead give it to groups B and C.
ALLEN: Do you want people in group A to die in the
street?
Now, most likely, Bob does not want anyone to die in the
street. But this extreme example makes shifting the money
allocation around look bad. After all, doing so would lead to
people dying in the street.
This is exactly what your nice-person programming does
when you start looking beyond life in your cage of rules.
Instead of simply dismissing the idea though, what if you
really considered it? If there were no rules on what you
could say or do, what would you do?
If your mind keeps going to bank robberies and stolen
G6’s, then we can put this qualifier on the thought
experiment. Assuming there are still laws in place, and this
isn’t The Purge, what would you do? So you can’t rob banks
or prowl the streets of downtown LA with a chainsaw, but
you can say anything you want, relate to others however
you want, ask for whatever you want, and say no to
anything. What would you do with no rules?
Interesting to imagine, huh?
And if you could change, or completely let go of three of
your most restrictive rules, what would that be like? How
would you feel? What would you do in your life?
Look back at your list of shoulds and select the three
worst offenders. Which are the ones that have caused you
the most pain, frustration, restriction, and self-hatred?
Which ones are the electric fence that confine you or the
hammer that bludgeons you?
Take a moment now to find your three.
For me, currently, I’d say these are the ones that cause
the most pressure, anxiety, or self-judgment:
I should be able to help anyone become completely and
permanently confident, instantly.
I should reach more people, serve them more, and earn
more, now.
I should always want to play with my kids.
So, to break these rules, I can simply forget helping
people, forget my mission in the world, and forget my kids.
Done and done!
As you might find with your top three, it’s more
complicated than that. Usually our biggest rules are related
to what we value and how we want to live in the world, so
we can’t just throw them out entirely. For example, perhaps
you had a rule that is from this list:
I should be more outgoing and charming.
I should be able to speak up in a group and command the
room.
I should eat healthier.
I should lose weight.
I should spend more time with my spouse.
 I should never hurt anyone’s feelings.
I should never say no to someone in need.
I should give more than I do.
That’s just a short list of potentials. Notice how each one
reflects an underlying value. Can you spot it?
“I should be more outgoing and charming” highlights a
desire to connect with others. This person values making
friends, finding love, growing in their business, or being a
leader. Maybe they also value freedom, expressiveness, and
authenticity. Those are all great things!
If someone’s rule is “I should lose weight,” what do they
value? Health, vitality, aesthetic beauty. Perhaps there’s
also a value for love and connection if they perceive that
being in better shape will help them receive more love from
others.
The same is true for your top three rules as well. Each
one reflects your values. For each one, write down what it
shows you value. Just a few sentences or bullet points is all
we’re talking about here, nothing fancy. And don’t try to
make it sound good either. If you want to lose weight
because you want to get laid, then write that down. Sex,
connection, companionship, love, or whatever else you
imagine it will bring you. No one is going to see this list
and no one’s going to judge you. This is about you
liberating yourself, not trying to look good to imaginary
people. Write those out now, then keep reading.
What did you discover?
How was it to do this exercise? I noticed it really stirred
things up in me, creating some feelings of anxiety and
sadness. It also brought up some existential questions, like
the purpose of life and how we want to live. Maybe it
wasn’t so deep for you, but it might have kicked up some
feelings. If so, that’s good. Because the rules are
designed to control behavior without allowing you to
fully feel. But feeling in your heart, discomfort and all, is
the only way to truly discover the answer to your deepest
questions. How do I want to live? What really matters to
me? What is my life about?
Here’s what emerged as I did this exercise:
I should be able to help anyone become completely
and permanently confident, instantly.
This shows that I want to help people. I want to alleviate
suffering and create liberation. I want people to love
themselves and be able to love others, feel powerful,
worthy, and free.
This shows that I value freedom, love, contribution, and
mastery.
I should reach more people, serve them more, and
earn more, now.
This shows I have a big mission and a desire to positively
impact the world. It also shows me I still have a piece of my
self-worth determined by how many people I help, and how
much money I earn.
This shows I value contribution and significance.
I should always want to play with my kids.
This shows that I love my kids. I value love, being with
them, bringing them joy, and deeply connecting with them
at their level.
Doing this exercise, I realized how much I value love and
contribution. I also see how I value significance, and how
doing so can trip me up. Especially if I have the game setup
to make it very hard to earn that significance. I can see
how there’s an element of “I’ll be worthy when…” in some
of my rules. I’ll be worthy when I can help people better. I’ll
be worthy when I’ve reached enough people. I’ll be worthy
when I’ve made enough money.
 These are dangerous requirements for significance
because in my experience they’re never enough. The more
you hit your target, the farther out the goal becomes. This
is the standard MO of the high achiever and the
perfectionist, both of which I identify with (even though I
don’t like the sound of the second one).
What did you see about yourself? Did it stir up any
feelings in you?
We’re going to do something else with these rules to help
you break free of them, but first let’s address any feelings
that came up. Take a few minutes to just feel what’s
happening in your heart, your stomach, and anywhere else
in your body. Slow down. Feel it, fully. It’s ok. You’re safe,
and you can handle this. There’s nothing wrong, with you,
or these feelings.
Just breathe and feel.
Meet any sensation in your body with curiosity,
acceptance, and love. Let it know it’s safe for it to be here,
and you’re allowing it fully. Gently repeat in your mind, as
you focus right on the feelings in your body, “It’s OK. You’re
OK.”
You’re doing awesome by the way. This rule stuff is no
joke. There’s a reason you’ve obeyed them for years or
decades.
Let’s see if we can soften the grip even more, and keep
the healthy aspect of the rule, while releasing the extreme
nature of it that causes us so much pain. Look at the first
rule on your list. Can you see the beauty in that rule? Can
you see the heartfelt desire underneath? Can you see the
nobility in it? Can you love that part of you that wants it so
badly?
To see this even more clearly, replace the word “should”
with “really want to.” If some of your rules have a “should
never,” as in “I should never hurt anyone’s feelings,” you
can rewrite this part to reflect what you really want. For
example, if you don’t want to hurt others’ feelings, perhaps
you want others to feel accepted, loved, and safe around
you. In that case, you would write: I really want others to
feel accepted, loved, and safe. Here are some more
examples:
I really want be more outgoing and charming.
I really want be able to speak up in a group and command
the room.
I really want to eat healthier.
I really want to lose weight.
I really want to spend more time with my spouse.
I really want to treat people with kindness and respect.
I really want to help people in need.
I really want to give more than I do.
As you see your rule in this way, can you feel that desire
in your heart? Let yourself breathe fully and deeply, and
just experience that ache. As you do this, think less and feel
more. You don’t need to understand everything that’s
happening. As best as you can, just stay with the feelings in
your body as you re-read your rules with this new
language. If you feel like crying, let yourself cry. This is
good. This is healing.
Now, let’s take it one step further. In response to each of
your top three rules, written out with “I really want to…”
you’re going to write a response. This response is you
speaking to yourself, as if you were your own best friend, a
loving spouse, or loving parent. Someone who sees the
beauty of that desire and deeply appreciates you for it. For
example:
I really want to be able to help anyone become
completely and permanently confident, instantly.
 Of course you do! How amazing would that be? What a
beautiful desire that fuels you to learn more and more, take
risks, and pursue mastery for your entire life. What a
powerful driving force. This is amazing. I’m so proud of
you, son.
I really want to reach more people, serve them
more, and earn more, now.
I know. And that’s more of that mission, that purpose. It’s
a beautiful thing, my man. I really admire that. And I feel
grateful that you found that purpose, because it gives you
an energy and passion for life that is really inspiring. I love
you so much, Aziz.
I really want to play with my kids.
Of course you do. They’re beautiful and amazing. They’re
so sweet, funny, and delightful. I’m grateful you have them
in your life. They give an even deeper purpose that goes
beyond your bigger mission in the world. It’s amazing to
have them in your life.
Go ahead and write your responses now. Be as loving,
expressive, and warm as you can be, even if you’ve never
spoken to yourself like this before. There’s a first time for
everything, my friend.
Then, read this to yourself. Read it over and over, fifty
times if needed. Write it on your phone and read it each
day in the morning and night. Slow down, and let it in. Be
sure to use your name as you do it, because that has a
powerful impact on your subconscious mind.
I love you Aziz.
You’re enough.
You don’t have to do anything more to earn my love.
I love you no matter what.
You are amazing just as you are.
I can see how big your heart is, and it’s beautiful.
 I love you.
Once you’ve done this process with your top three rules,
you can experiment with doing it with other rules that
cause you pain. As you go about your day, notice when
you’re feeling anxious, guilty, or self-critical. See if you can
uncover which rule you’ve broken and write it down.
Then, set aside just a few minutes to go through this
process:
1. Identify the exact rule, and write it down: “I should…”
2. See what you really value underneath.
3. Replace “should” with “really want to.”
4. Appreciate yourself for wanting this.
5. Read your love letter.
Going through this process repeatedly, with different
rules, or with the same rule a number of times, will help
soften these in your mind. Instead of being a baton that you
beat yourself with, they become preferences and desires
that guide you in life.
 MAKING THE RULES
So, how do you make new rules? How do you consciously
choose and create the rules you want to live by. Not your
mom’s rules, or your dad’s rules, or even many of the rules
you grew up with in your society. YOUR rules.
Guess what? You already did! Whew, finally, a break.
The good news is you already did all the heavy lifting
back in Chapter 6 with your personal Bill of Rights.
Remember that exercise? Take a moment to find what you
wrote now.
Once you have this list, you simply tweak the wording
ever so slightly on your list by changing “I have a right to”
to “I am allowed to.” For example:
Bill of Rights
I have the right to approach anyone I want to start a
conversation with them.
I have the right to change the subject or end the
conversation whenever I would like.
I have the right to say “no” to anything I don’t want to do,
for any reason, without needing to justify it or give an
excuse.
I have the right to ask for what I want.
Aziz’s Rules
I am allowed to approach anyone I want to start a
conversation.
I am allowed to change the subject or end the
conversation whenever I would like.
I am allowed to say “no” to anything I don’t want to do,
for any reason, without needing to justify it or give an
excuse.
I am allowed to ask for what I want.
And so on, all the way down your entire list. Take a
moment now to write out your new list in this way, giving it
the title “_____’s Rules,” using your own name. If your list is
digital and on your phone or computer, you may be tempted
to use copy and paste. I would actually encourage you to
type it out again, or even better yet, write it another time
by hand. The more you drill these rules into your mind, the
more powerful and free you become.
Once you’ve finished doing this, read through your entire
list of rules. How does it feel? Liberating? Empowering?
Freaking awesome? It sure does for me. You might find
yourself slightly nodding your head as you read through it,
as if you’re listening to someone preach it, or lay down the
truth. You might even feel a “hell yes!” inside of you.
These are YOUR rules.
Life on your terms.
The more you read these over and consciously live by
them each day, the more you shed patterns of guilt, people-
pleasing, and niceness. You’ll soon get to a point where you
generally feel relaxed, as if you’ve done nothing wrong,
even if you do something that upsets others. If you know
that what you did is in alignment with your rules, then you
feel fine about it.
For example, I recently said no to someone who wanted to
interview me. That in itself is no big deal because I do that
all the time. But in this particular case, I’d actually initially
given a weak no by saying I “maybe could in four months or
so.” Then he circled back around in four months, and I said
yes, out of guilt. Then, soon after that, I reached out again
and said no. Gasp! How could I? What a terrible thing to
do!
But in truth I felt OK about it. In my rulebook, I am
allowed to change my mind and I am allowed to say no for
any reason. In fact, in my world, it’s especially important to
say no when I notice I initially said yes out of my old nice
guy habits. I want to nip those in the bud, so if I see myself
acting that way, I try to go back and clean it up as quickly
as possible.
His response to my no was fascinating to read. You can
see it in the very last chapter of this book, called “Not Nice
in Action,” where I share a dozen little short stories about
the messy world of being not nice.
Regardless of whether you agree with my choices or not,
I’m OK. I have a clear understanding of what my rules are.
This eliminates all of that excessive, chronic, brutally
painful guilt that destroys your self-esteem. It gives you
clarity, integrity, strength, and power. It makes you bolder,
direct, and authentic. It gives you complete permission to
be you.
And, what you’ll discover over time is that your old rules
were not the only way to live in the world. Your mind might
have told you that if you broke those confining rules, you’d
be rejected, hated, and shunned. People wouldn’t want to
be friends with you, work with you, or date you ever again.
You’d be a wretched outcast.
But as you own your rules and live them, you’ll find that
all these predictions were nothing more than safety-police
shenanigans. Outrageous and inaccurate predictions
designed completely to keep you safe by staying in your
comfort zone.
In fact, the more I operate from my personal rules and do
things that my old self told me would have been terrible,
the more positive feedback I receive. Instead of people
getting angry at me for saying no, usually people don’t
even bat an eye. Instead of people being put out by me
asking for something, they’re often generous and happy to
help. People treat me with more respect and they trust me
more. In short, when you stop being so nice and start living
by your own rules, good things happen.
 HOW TO NEUTRALIZE GUILT
As you make your new rules and start to live by them, you
might experience mixed feelings. On the one hand, it can
feel empowering and liberating to start living life on your
own terms. You may even notice exciting new results,
differences in how people respond to you, and newfound
powers of attractiveness in your love life and effectiveness
at work. And at the same time, you may notice more guilt
arising.
That’s a normal part of the boldness training process, and
not a sign that you’re actually doing anything wrong. This
is a key distinction. Most people have a knee-jerk reaction
to guilt that causes them to feel bad because the
unconscious logic goes like this: If I feel guilty, then I must
have done something wrong.
The way out of guilt is to slow down and examine it. When
you notice you’re feeling guilty, identify it out loud. “Ahh,
this is guilt.” Then pay close attention. Slow down, bring
your awareness to your mind and your body. Because the
feelings of guilt can be painful, your impulse might be to
stay in motion, distract yourself, or compulsively apologize.
Instead of reacting to guilt, examine it.
What do you say to yourself when you’re feeling guilty?
What does that internal, chastising part of you say about
you? This is the “voice of guilt” and it’s very important to
notice how it’s speaking to you. Is it calm and loving? Is it
angry and critical? Is it like a raging parent who’s lost it?
What do you feel in your body? Do you feel tightness in
your chest or a squeezing in your belly? Do you feel scared,
uneasy, or heavy inside? Become intimately familiar with
the patterns of guilt inside of you. Study how you “do
guilt.”
 Then, ask yourself the most valuable question you can ask
yourself whenever you feel guilty: What rule did I break?
This is the first step in neutralizing guilt because it will give
you valuable information about what’s happening and how
to deal with it. You need to determine if this is healthy guilt
or unhealthy guilt, if this is something pointing you towards
being your best self, or just another sneaky pattern of
perfectionism and self-hatred.
To determine what rule you broke, simply listen to the
voice of guilt in your head. It’s going to tell you clearly
what you should do, or should not do. What you should
have done, or shouldn’t have done. Those shoulds are the
rules.
Here are some examples:
You shouldn’t have eaten that hamburger, fries, and a
milkshake. And so much of it! What’s wrong with you? You’re
going to lose everything you’ve been working towards.
You’re going to get fat. That was terrible. You should have
more self-control.
The Rules:
I should not eat fast food.
I should not eat to the point of being overly full.
I should have more self-control.
You should’ve said “yes” to John’s invitation. He really
wanted you to come, but you didn’t. That was very selfish of
you. You could’ve just gone for an hour. That wouldn’t have
been a big deal. He’s going to be so disappointed. And
maybe he won’t want to hang out with you later because
you hurt him so much.
The Rules:
I shouldn’t say no to a friend’s invitation.
I shouldn’t do anything that disappoints others.
Are you getting a sense of how this works? Try it out in a
scenario in your life that used to make you feel guilty in the
past. Notice what the voice of guilt says to you, and then
practice identifying the underlying rules. Once you are able
to do this, you are well on your way to neutralizing guilt
and feeling happier, freer, and loving with yourself and
others.
THE WAY OUT
In Chapter 3, we discussed two kinds of guilt: Healthy Guilt
and Unhealthy Guilt. Do you remember the difference?
Healthy Guilt is a feeling that arises when you’ve broken
a rule that you actually do value and aspire to live by. This
guilt is guiding you to get on track and be the kind of
person you want to be in the world. It reminds you of what
matters most, and inspires you to live in alignment with
your values. It’s a positive force for change and is rooted in
love.
Unhealthy Guilt is a form of punishment and self-attack.
We believe we’ve done wrong and must be punished for our
sins. If we punish ourselves enough, and suffer sufficiently
for our badness, then we’ll have atoned for our
transgression. This is a distorted form of logic that is not
connected to your values, does not positively influence
behavior, and is rooted in fear.
So how do you determine which is which? That becomes
much easier once you notice the underlying rules that you
broke. Look at your list of broken rules and ask yourself: Do
I want to live by these rules? Do they reflect my values? Are
they realistic? Do they take into account variations in the
environment and the fact that I’m a human?
If your answer to these questions is yes, then there is a
message in your guilt that is trying to serve you. However
— and this is extremely important to understand — if you
don’t receive the message in the right way, you will get
stuck in unhealthy guilt. Let me illustrate with an example.
A few nights ago, it was bedtime in the Gazipura
household, and everyone was tired. When an adult gets
tired, they want to lie down, relax, and welcome restful
slumber. When a little kid gets tired, they draw upon the
chaotic energy of the universe, lose all impulse control, and
go wackyballs.
On this particular night, Zaim was pushing his younger
brother over, refusing to let me brush his teeth, and
generally unleashing the beast. I wasn’t handling it well.
My patience tank was empty and I went into control mode.
My tone became exasperated. My energy became harsh. He
wanted to put the cinnamon toothpaste on himself, but I
wouldn’t let him because last time he squeezed out a huge
wad of toothpaste all over the floor. Then he started crying
about not being able to put the toothpaste on and I stood
there impatiently waiting for him to finish. Patience tank
empty. Compassion tank empty too.
We finally get everyone in to bed and I’m reading him
stories to help him fall asleep. He wants a different book
that’s not in the bedroom. He wants almond milk. He
doesn’t want to be quiet and wants to keep his brother up.
My voice becomes sharper as I respond to each of these
demands. I don’t yell at him, because I decided long ago
that I was never going to yell at my children, but I couldn’t
contain my resentment in that moment. Even though I
wasn’t saying, “You’re being bad for staying awake and not
doing what I said,” out loud, my body language and tone of
voice was sending this message loud and clear.
Then he fell asleep. Thank God. Sweet relief. I passed out
next to him on his little toddler bed, as I listened to the
sweet sound of his breathing.
I awoke the next morning with a pang in my heart. Good
morning, guilt. My mind began reflecting on moments from
the previous night’s bedtime, seeing all the ways I was
being critical and unloving with him. I felt upset with
myself, sad about being disconnected from him, and pain in
my heart.
 Is this Healthy Guilt or Unhealthy Guilt? It all depends on
how I receive the message.
The rules I broke were pretty clear. I want to be patient
with my sons. I want to be non-reactive to their wild
behaviors, and come from a place of connection and love
when attempting to influence them. I don’t want to convey
the message that they’re bad for being awake, or doing
something else that they have little control over.
Yep, these are all values I aspire to. So far, so good.
But when I tuned into the voice of guilt more closely, I
heard this message:
This is totally unacceptable. How could you do this to your
kids? You’re a bad father.
Whoa. That’s intense. And that’s how even healthy guilt
can go wrong. Even if you break a rule that you actually
aspire to, if you treat yourself with anger, harsh judgment,
or self-hate, then you will miss the true message. You will
miss the gift in the guilt.
The truth is you cannot beat yourself into being a
better person. Attacking, judging, punishing, and
criticizing yourself will not lead to improvement. This is an
antiquated and unexamined pattern that many of us run,
despite it clearly not working.
Instead of buying into that self-attack message, I simply
brought my awareness to my body and heart. I felt the pain
and ache of being angry at and disconnected from Zaim. I
felt his pain. I felt my pain. I felt the burning in my heart.
And I sent it love. I sent myself love and forgiveness. I sent
Zaim love and forgiveness. What a sweet boy doing the best
he can. What a sweet dad doing the best he can.
This is how you let healthy guilt transform you in positive
ways. Get out of your head and into your heart. Feel
whatever is there and keep meeting it with love and
forgiveness, even if your mind tells you that it’s
unforgiveable. It’s not. Everything is, because forgiveness
is infinite and always accessible.
Sometimes we feel a need to internally proclaim: I will
never, ever do this again. From this day forward, I will be
perfect! We think this is required in order for forgiveness to
occur. But we forget that we actually access forgiveness.
It’s already available and there, right in this very moment.
Our mind just holds the keys and says: You must do A, B,
and C before I open this door. And one of those
requirements is that we have complete and total certainty
that we’ll never, ever do it again (whatever your “it” is —
getting upset, yelling, overeating or eating junk food,
avoiding a scary situation, procrastinating, and a million
and one other things that you might attack yourself for).
But here’s the thing. You might do it again. In fact, you
probably will. Can you forgive yourself anyway? What if
your mind has it all wrong, and everything works
completely opposite than you think? What if forgiving
yourself made it way more likely that you wouldn’t repeat
the behavior? And what if attacking yourself and
withholding love made you much more likely to repeat the
behavior? Guess what, it does!
So, no matter what the rule, and how many times you’ve
broken it, focus on your heart, feel your body, and meet
whatever you find with love and forgiveness.
Love the unlovable.
From this place, you may be able to make new choices, or
create a powerful new commitment. Not the, “I promise I’ll
never do this again!” mental proclamation. That is a
desperate attempt to bargain away the guilt. I mean a
decision in your core to do something differently, and then
resolving to create a ritual that helps you actually make
that change.
For example, fully feeling the guilt after getting upset
with one of my children lead to a deep commitment in me
to become less reactive, more patient and more loving. I’m
sure every parent alive has made that decision again and
again, only to find themselves repeating the same patterns
of anger forty-seven minutes later. I’d done this myself
many times.
But one day I reached a threshold and I decided to create
a powerful commitment. I decided I was going to wake up
even earlier and meditate for one hour per day, for the rest
of my life. Extreme? Perhaps. Badass? You know it. And so
that is what I did, and that is what I have done for the last
eight months. Never missed a morning, never missed a day.
Sure enough, as I meditated more, my reactivity,
irritability, and crankiness reduced radically. My capacity to
remain connected and unconditionally love my boys, no
matter what their behavior, grew exponentially. And the
depth of love and joy that I feel in spending time with them
is so much greater that I am shocked at how much I was
actually suffering before.
Willpower is not the answer. Commitment is. If you slow
down, feel, forgive yourself, and listen for the message in
your healthy guilt, it will tell you what you need to do.
You’ll see the values you hold dear, and exactly how you
want to be in the world. Then, use your willpower, drive,
and desire to be your best and create a small habit or ritual
that you will do every day. That is the secret to changing all
behavior, and putting something in place that guarantees
lasting transformation and success. What will your new
ritual be?
PERFECTIONISM AND INSANE RULES
To recap the Guilt-Neutralizing process so far, it goes
something like this:
1. Notice when you are feeling guilty and identify it.
2. Slow down and study the experience of guilt: what does
it feel like in your body, what thoughts do you notice in
your mind?
3. Ask yourself this question: What rule have I broken?
4. If it’s a rule that’s realistic and reflects your values,
then feel your heart, forgive yourself, and receive the
message.
However, there is another major source of guilt that is
very different than the one we’ve been focusing on. This is
what we’ve been calling Unhealthy Guilt. This is guilt that
comes from rules that you’ve broken that aren’t based on
your personal core values.
Instead, they are based on completely unrealistic
standards for human behavior, emotions, and relationships.
They are rigid, all-or-nothing, demanding, and generally
impossible to adhere to.
These include rules like:
I should never feel angry.
I should never feel anxious.
I should never make a mistake.
I should always know what to say.
I should never hurt anyone’s feelings.
I should never upset anybody.
I should always have total self-control.
I should be able to predict all outcomes.
I should foresee all problems and avoid them.
I should obtain _____ now. (Insert any result you are
striving towards)
 When you’re feeling guilty and you slow down to pay
attention, you’ll hear these kinds of rules running through
your mind. Sometimes it’s direct, such as, “I should be able
to predict all outcomes.” More commonly, you’ll just hear
that voice in your head chastising you with comments like: I
should have known! Why did I do that? So stupid!
These kinds of commands are driving you to go harder,
perform better, be more, achieve more, and do it all faster.
Reach your goals by yesterday. You’re taking too long. Why
aren’t you there already? You should be making faster
progress. You should have achieved everything you wanted
by now.
Underneath all of these commands is one central theme:
What’s wrong with you? The more you listen to them and
follow them unquestioningly, the worse you feel about
yourself. The more insufficient, inadequate, unlovable and
unworthy you think you are, regardless of external
achievement or how much others love you.
These are insane rules. When you identify one of these
rules, the answer is not to take the message to strive
harder and set up more rituals or commitments. The
response in these situations is to slow down, and let
go of the demand on yourself to be superhuman. Let
go of this insane rule that is driving you so hard and
creating so much suffering.
This rule is not your friend. It might seem like it’s your
inner coach, pushing you to succeed and “be your best,”
but actually it’s the voice of self-hatred. It’s coming from a
mindset of: I’m not complete or whole as I am. I am
inadequate, insufficient, lacking. I am not good enough. I
am not fully lovable as I am. I must do this, achieve this,
live by this crazy rule. Then, I’ll be enough. Then I’ll be
somebody. Then I’ll be worthy.
 Let it go. This way of living is creating tension and pain.
And worst of all, even if you were to achieve your goal,
there would be no relief. Of course your mind says there
will be. But has there been in the past? Haven’t you
achieved things before? Did you feel amazing, at peace,
and fully content? Did the incessant demands, self-
criticism, and guilt stop for good? What happened?
Perhaps a few minutes of relief, and then a new goal. Ten
times the size! Realistically it should take years to achieve,
but you should get there within three months. Better yet,
tomorrow. What’s wrong with you, why haven’t you done it
yet?
Do you see the insanity?
Let it go.
Use the process outlined above in the “Breaking the
Rules” section to soften these extreme rules. Slow down
and examine each one. Find the place in your body that is
tight, freaking out, and squeezing when you imagine you
have to follow the rule. Bring love and attention to that part
of your body. Let go. Let it go.
You don’t need to do anything. You don’t need to achieve
anything more. You’re enough. You’re lovable, and you are
loved. You’re worthy, right now, as you are. You are
somebody, and you’ve arrived. You’re already here!
Welcome!
And now that you’re here, I want to introduce you to a
simple, but extremely powerful activity that will rapidly
strengthen your inner sense of authority. It will help you
live by your own rules, and shed years of people pleasing
and unnecessary, unhelpful guilt. In short, it will make you
one powerful mofo.
 THE APOLOGY FAST
Cafe Yumm is a local chain here in Oregon that serves
healthy bowls with their signature Yumm Sauce. It’s bomb,
so it’s one of my favorite places to eat out. The other day I
was waiting for my delicious Yumm Bowl with tofu to be
prepared as I stood near the ordering line, and I witnessed
this interaction.
A man walked up to the counter to ask one of the cashiers
a question.
“Excuse me, what is that?” he said, as he pointed at
something in his breakfast wrap.
“That’s egg,” the cashier said.
“Oh,” he said.
“Did you want one without the egg?” she asked.
“No, can I just get a refund?” he said.
“Sure, no problem.”
As she was poking around on her computer screen,
initiating this refund, he must have started to feel
uncomfortable. He must have broken a rule.
“Sorry. I think I was expecting more of a breakfast burrito
kind of thing. I'm sorry.”
He apologized twice in one sentence. It must be an
important rule.
“No that's OK,” she reassured him. But she must have
broken a rule too, because as she handed him the change
she said, “I'm sorry about that.”
“No!” He exclaims quickly. “It's OK.”
Everyone’s sorry and everything's OK. So much niceness
in one little exchange. Why all the apologies? Since most
people are living by everyone else’s rules, they
imagine they’re breaking them all the time, hence all
the apologies.
 Can you relate to this? Do you have a habit of saying sorry
all the time, even when you haven’t done anything wrong?
Is it the first thing that pops out of your mouth when you
gently touch shoulders walking past a stranger, or when
you and a friend start speaking at the same time?
How many times per day do you apologize?
I was recently discussing this with a client and he
guessed three to four times per day. We had him count
during the next week, just to find out. Guess how many?
Ten times per day. One day he noticed he apologized
twenty-four times.
And trust me, this guy wasn’t walking around pushing
down old ladies and taking kids’ candy money. He wasn’t
doing anything that was highly offensive or worth apology.
He was just existing.
That’s what I’ve found with the excessive apologizing. It’s
almost as if we’re apologizing for our existence. It’s as if
we’re saying to the world, “I’m sorry for being here. Sorry
for bothering you. Sorry for imposing on you with my
existence.” Yuck.
You have a right to be here. You belong. You matter. Why?
Just because. You exist on this planet and you have a right
to be here just as much as anyone else.
To help my client break this habit, I had him go on an
apology fast. If you notice that you have a habit of saying
sorry all the time, I would suggest the same activity for
you. Here’s how it works.
For the next three to four days, simply count how many
times you say sorry per day. It may be high like my client,
or it may be much lower, in the one to three range.
Whatever it is, just notice it, without judging yourself.
Then, commit to go on a 10-day apology fast. That means
you don’t apologize unnecessarily for ten days. The only
time you apologize is in a specific instance where you’ve
really reflected on it, and decided that you were out of line.
Perhaps you were harsh with your spouse or cranky with
your kids. In that case, you can go back to them and say,
“I’m sorry I was cranky with you yesterday. You didn’t do
anything wrong, I was just irritable.”
Aside from those apologies, for the next ten days,
eliminate all others. These include favorites such as:
Sorry to bother you…
I’m sorry, what was that again?
Sorry?
Oh, sorry.
I’m sorry, you go ahead.
It may be difficult at first. In fact, an apology might
tumble out of your mouth before you realize it. That’s OK,
it’s part of the process.
My client came back after a week of doing this and
shared his report.
“How did it go?” I asked.
“Well, it was really hard. I did OK, but not that great,” he
said.
“Oh yeah? What happened?” I said.
“I got down to about three or four per day. Those ones
just came out before I knew it. It’s almost like I couldn’t
control it.”
“From ten to three or four! That’s a seventy percent
decrease in just seven days,” I pointed out.
I see this pattern all the time in my clients. They do
something big in a short period of time, and then find a way
to discount it, as if it were no big deal. I like to point this
out and tease people about it, helping them start to own
their progress and make them laugh at themselves a bit.
“That’s not good enough, Steve. Seventy percent in seven
days. What the hell is that?” I said, smiling.
“I know,” he said, laughing. “I’m just amazed at how
strong the habit is.”
So, he continued the fast for another several weeks, and
soon he was down to zero unnecessary apologies per day.
He told me that he was amazed by how much this simple
exercise increased his confidence.
“I feel more powerful walking around in the world,” he
said. “I can look people in the eye and stand up taller. I
never realized how afraid I was of upsetting people, and
how that was affecting me.”
Give it a go. Decide to do it for ten days, then decide if
you want to do another ten. Enroll a friend to play the
game with you, if you’d like. You just might find that it
transforms your sense of confidence, strengthens your
internal core, and gives you the power you need to live life
fully on your terms.
 CHAPTER 14:

100% YOU
As we've gone on this journey together, you’ve seen how
being nice and pleasing is not who you are. You've grown in
your assertiveness, social power, and ability to speak up
and say what you need to. You've been letting go of guilt
and fear as motivators, and are moving into more powerful
sources of fuel, like inspiration, excitement, passion,
purpose, love, contribution, fun, or anything else you value.
In a sense, you are becoming more you. More and more of
who you really are, who you're meant to be. Let's see if we
can turn that dial up even more, into the realm of Bold
Authenticity: Complete freedom and permission to be
who you want to be without shame, guilt, fear, or
self-condemnation. Powerfully, freely, delightfully you.
After working with thousands of people over the years,
I’ve seen one simple pattern. Regardless of the focus of our
sessions — work and business, romantic relationships,
friendships, confidence and self-esteem — this pattern was
the same for everyone. It didn't matter whether they were
married or single, rich or poor, old or young, it always came
down to this:
If someone feels like they cannot be themselves, they
suffer. Period.
It doesn't matter how many people love them or admire
them, how famous they are, or how much money they're
making. If they aren't being themselves, stuffing instead of
speaking freely, or acting a role that is not congruent with
their essence, there will be pain. They may try to push this
pain down or ignore it because they don't want to disturb
the status quo, or the relationship. They tell themselves,
How could I leave this job when it's so stable and I get paid
so well?
But that pain doesn't go away. It just goes underground. It
comes back as physical symptoms or “injuries” in our
bodies. It manifests as apathy, anxiety, depression,
negativity, dissatisfaction, or restlessness. All of these
might feel uncomfortable or terrible, but they are actually
beautiful. They are evidence that the human spirit will not
settle for anything other than complete freedom. That you
will not settle for anything less than authenticity and the
freedom to express yourself in the ways you are meant to.
Let's explore together how you can be more you. 100%
you in fact.
 BOLD AUTHENTICITY
Let's take a moment to discover what you being 100% you
actually means. I've found for myself that simply thinking
about the words “one hundred percent me” starts to impact
my thoughts and actions. But let's give it more clarity.
To start, let me ask you, what do you think 100% you is? If
you gave yourself complete permission to be the real you in
all settings — work, with family, as a parent, as a son or
daughter, when meeting new people, with friends, by
yourself in the woods — what would you do? How would
you act? How would you be?
What are the first words, phrases, or images that pop into
your mind? Do you see certain scenes at work or with your
spouse playing out in your mind? Take a few minutes and
watch and hear anything that comes out of your mind and
heart when you ask these questions. These messages just
might be your long-lost, buried, authentic self.
GROW UP (OR DON'T?)
Did anyone ever tell you when you were a kid to “grow
up”? Or maybe you heard it as a teenager, or even last
week. Grow up. Be more mature, more responsible.
Depending on the context this often really means: stop
what you're doing and obey me, or, don’t focus on what you
want, focus on my needs right now.
In any case, “growing up” just might be part of the
problem. Because when you were a kid you had absolutely
no problems being fully yourself. When you were three,
four or five, if you wanted to talk to someone, you did. Even
if they were a stranger or a homeless person that adults
avoided. When you wanted to say something, you did. You
shared things and told stories, assuming everyone would be
interested, because your stories were awesome. If the
other person wasn't paying attention, you'd shout, “Hey!
Listen to me!”
If you felt shy or didn't want to talk to someone, you'd
turn away, or retreat. You wouldn't answer questions they
asked you. You might have even simply said, “I don’t like
you.”
If you wanted to dance, you danced. Crazy, wonky,
uncoordinated, unbridled, joyful, wacky dance moves. All
over the place. To the joy, amusement, and delight of all
adults around. They smiled as their spirit longed to be able
to move so freely, without self-consciousness or regard for
others’ opinions.
If you observe young children, you'll see all this and more.
I'll never forget one fascinating interaction between two
young girls at my wife's extended family’s house. We were
out in the dry desert landscape of Eastern Washington in
the late spring. The sky was bright blue and my (future)
wife Candace and I were sitting on a blanket, reveling in
the warm sunshine.
Around us was a gaggle of little kids. The young boys
were running around the property, engaged in extended
and elaborate Nerf warfare. The little girls were closer to
the blanket, playing with various dolls, tea party sets, and
whatnot.
Here was the interaction I'll never forget. One little girl
kept putting a doll in another girl’s face so the doll could
dance around and tell her something. Eventually the girl
got sick of a doll in her face and yelled, “Stop putting that
doll in my face!”
Without missing a beat, the first girl responded, “If you
don’t like the doll in your face, move your face then!”
It’s the kind of thing that could happen hundreds of times
in a play session between small children. It’s the kind of
thing that most people wouldn’t even notice or think twice
about. But to me, someone who has spent years studying
how to be more assertive and helping others do the same, I
was in awe.
So much uninhibited, simple expressiveness. One girl is
doing what she wants to do, and the other one doesn’t like
it and tells her so, right away. No stuffing, no guilt, no
questioning and hesitating and ruminating about the “best”
way to say it. She just blurts it out. In response, the second
girl fires back. She says whatever comes to her mind. No
guilt, no feeling terrible because she did something that
another person didn’t like, no self-loathing, social anxiety,
or fear of losing the relationship.
Obviously, as we get older and more mature, we need to
learn some measure of restraint. We don’t say everything
that comes to our minds, and we find more tactful and
skillful ways to assert ourselves. However, in the vast
majority of recovering nice people (myself included), we
can spend way too much energy on saying things “just
right.” We have so many ideas about whether it’s OK to
speak up at all, how we should say something if we do
choose to speak up, and how the other person should not
have any negative reaction to us. We have that initial
impulse to blurt something out and it travels through this
complex mental algorithm of what’s right, what’s “nice,”
and either nothing comes out at all, or it’s some heavily
manipulated communication designed to be polite and
acceptable to all. What comes out is often not us. And, as
you remember, feeling like we cannot be ourselves is one of
the greatest forms of human suffering.
So what am I suggesting? That we should chuck all our
filters and just go back to being like little kids? Saying
whatever we want, doing whatever we want, all the time?
This notion was captured brilliantly in one of the early
episodes of The Simpsons, in which a popular psychologist
visits the town of Springfield to do a seminar. During the
seminar, he is repeatedly interrupted by the unfiltered
comments of Bart Simpson, much to Homer and Marge’s
embarrassment. Instead of being upset, however, the
psychologist praises Bart for his boldness and uses him as
an example. He gets everyone in the audience chanting,
“Be like the boy!”, encouraging them to run free, follow
their impulses, and release the shackles of repression and
restraint. The town is invigorated and everyone starts
having more fun. However, within a short period of time,
people stop going to work, carrying out their
responsibilities, and the entire town falls apart.
No, you don’t need to “Be like the boy!” We don’t need to
throw away all of our conditioning and what we learned to
be self-aware, kind, attentive, and empathic people. But we
may want to fiddle with the knobs a bit. We may want to
turn down the filter knob from the “excessive” or “extreme”
range towards “thoughtful” or “reasonable.”
We may want to turn up the bold authenticity knob from
“totally stuffed down” to “I say what needs to be said” or “I
can dance if I wanna.”

What dial are each of these knobs set to for you

currently? Have the settings changed at all since you
started reading this book? Obviously, you can change out
the words and phrases on these dials for ones that speak to
you. The key here is to give yourself permission to be you.
To turn down the filters that hold you back, and to turn up
the bold, free, expression of who you are. As you do this,
you will experience an increase in self-esteem, happiness,
and freedom. This is because you will be aligning with the
real you, that version of yourself that was there when you
were six years old, and that gives you energy and power.
You being fully you, with complete permission and
enjoyment, is as good as it gets.
 BE YOU
Has anyone ever told you to “just be yourself”? Perhaps you
were nervous or worried about a meeting, a job interview,
or meeting your new girlfriend’s parents. A well-meaning
friend says, in an attempt to reassure you, “Relax, you’ll be
fine. Just be yourself.” It’s probably sage advice, if we were
to follow it. But often, what is our internal reaction to this
is advice? To get a little annoyed, right?
When people used to tell me that, I would smile and say
thanks. Inside I would fume to myself: What the hell does
that even mean? Just be yourself. That doesn’t help me at
all!
Well, this section is all about just that. Being yourself.
Let’s break it down and clarify exactly what that means for
you, at this stage of your life, in this moment right now.
One of the best ways to do this is to see where you think
you should be something other than you are. Take a
moment to read that last sentence again. It’s a doozy.
Where do you think you should be more like someone else?
Heck, in some ways do you tell yourself you should literally
be somebody else?
No, that’s crazy, right? We would never do anything that
crazy, would we?
When I was seven years old my parents bought me one of
those miniature basketball hoops. It stood about five feet
high, with a solid backboard and realistic looking rim. Just
like a real basketball hoop, only smaller. It was amazing. I
spent hours playing with that thing – taking three pointers,
slam dunking it like crazy, and imagining myself as the hero
of the championship game by scoring the most points and,
of course, making the game winning shot at the buzzer. It
was glorious. Only it wasn’t me.
 Aziz was not making all the points and winning the
championship game and the love of the imaginary crowds.
Andrew McCallister was. Who? Andrew McCallister. This
was the name I made up, specifically for this purpose. I
didn’t use it anywhere else and I’ve never told anyone
about it, until now. But anytime I played sports by myself
and imagined an epic victory, it was Andrew.
I would do the voices of the announcers who were calling
the play by play of the game. “Andrew McCallister pulls up
for another three pointer… and he sinks it. He’s on fire!”
(Yes, my play by play was heavily influenced by the video
game NBA Jam).
Why did I do this? I had no idea at the time, it just felt
right. In some ways, it’s who I wanted to be. I had many
different experiences in my life where I was teased heavily
or ostracized from a group simply because of my name.
“Aziz the disease” one group of kids called me as they
turned away to do something that didn’t involve me. I
learned that having a “weird” name like Aziz wasn’t cool. It
wasn’t what crowds cheered for. It wasn’t the kind of name
that won championships and love. So, I changed it. I
became someone else. Or at least pretended to be someone
else.
Oh, little kids are so silly, you may be thinking. I wish it
were just little kids. We can do this very thing as adults. We
have stories about what makes us lovable, valuable,
desirable, and significant in the eyes of others. Wealth,
cars, a big house, career success, a certain appearance,
thinner arms, longer legs, chiseled abs, and on and on. The
options for how you “should be” are endless. Then we find
someone who represents those qualities and we subtly
pressure ourselves to be more like them. An actor, a model,
a sports figure, or even a colleague or friend you look up to.
I should be more like him or her. In a subconscious way,
part of us actually wants to be him or her.
Lil’ Tony
I didn’t know it, but I was unconsciously wanting to be
someone else for literally ten years of my life. When I was
twenty-four years old I attended my first Tony Robbins
seminar, and I was blown away. I had been studying clinical
psychology at Stanford and Palo Alto Universities for two
years. It was a prestigious institution and the best
psychologists and psychiatrists were training me to help
people. Yet, in four days at Tony’s event I had learned more
applicable, exciting, and valuable tools than I had in a year
of that program.
Tony was confident, certain in himself, and commanded
the room. He was certain he could help anyone overcome
anything, and he was highly skilled at doing so. He was also
willing to demonstrate this to the audience by coaching
people live in front of the entire group. It was a life-
changing experience and in that moment I knew I wasn’t
going to be a clinical psychologist, I was going to be a
coach, like Tony. I was going to work with groups of people
and help more people, like Tony. I was going to be a leader
and a powerful force for good in the world, like Tony. In
fact, I decided in that moment (unconsciously) that I was
going to be Tony.
So, for the next ten years, he became the gold standard in
my head. While it was inspiring and set me on a course that
is my destiny, it also had some negative consequences.
Because, as you may very well know, I am not Tony
Robbins. But I had this underlying pressure to be more, do
more, and help people more, in the way that I imagine he
could. This led me to frequently feel inadequate after a
counseling or coaching session. Even though most of my
clients were engaged in our work together and made
powerful leaps and bounds in their confidence and lives,
part of me wasn’t satisfied. I would think to myself: Tony
could have one conversation with this person and
everything would transform instantly, forever. They should
leave the session out-of-their-mind-excited, elated, and on
fire. And I should feel and be that way all the time too.
This pressure I placed on myself was generally not front
row, center in my conscious awareness. It was in the
background, like a hiss of static or the whir of an air
conditioner. Even though I wasn’t fully aware of it, it
prevented me from feeling fully satisfied, fulfilled, and
happy after sessions. There was always a lingering feeling
of anxiety, being unsettled, or that I didn’t quite do it right.
It became much more obvious when I started leading live
events. As people flew in from all over the country, and the
world, I felt an incredible pressure. I really have to Tony it
up now! Every single person here has to have the most, the
best, face-melting, earth shattering, permanent-
breakthrough-confidence-explosion of all time… all before
lunch on the first day.
This strange demand to literally be someone else created
excessive expectations, high pressure, and greatly
diminished my enjoyment, freedom, and power. In
December of 2016, after attending another Tony Robbins
event, I was able to see this pattern that had been
operating for almost a decade. I saw him very differently
than I had ten years ago. Instead of seeing a virtual
demigod, I saw him as a human. I appreciated his passion
and endless energy to serve humanity. It inspired and
motivated me to do more of the same. I also saw him as just
another person, making an impact in the world. The need
to be exactly like him, and do exactly what he did, in the
way he did it, was gone.
I came home with a renewed sense of power and freedom.
I don’t have to be any certain way. I don’t have to be
anyone other than who I am. I felt happy, joyful, and above
all, free. I was able to see my own gifts, my own strengths,
and the unique value that I brought. I trusted in myself
more and stopped doubting whether I was doing good
enough. This radically increased my enjoyment and sense
of purpose in sessions and made me more playful, direct,
and powerful. I could call things out more honestly and ask
challenging questions. I held nothing back.
As you’ve been reading this story, I wonder if you’re
seeing anyone that you’ve unconsciously been trying to be?
Who might you have thought you should be more like? Your
brother? Your sister? That popular kid in your high school?
That leader in your company or in your field? Who do you
constantly compare yourself too, even if you’ve never met
them?
Take a few minutes now to reflect on that. Perhaps it will
come to you over the next few days, or in a moment when
you are walking from one place to another. Or, you might
know exactly who it is right now.
Whenever you identify it, and whoever it is... can you let
that go? Can you give yourself full permission to be you?
No need to pressure, force, drive, or cajole yourself into
being just like that person. That pattern might seem like it
drives you to be better, but it actually limits you and drains
your power over time. Because your ultimate power,
influence, ability to impact and love, all come out strongest
when you are most aligned with your inner core. The more
you are being fully, 100% you, the easier everything
becomes.
As you let go of the need to be someone else, ask yourself
these powerful questions: What about me — what do I bring
to the world? What are my unique qualities? Let yourself
fully see, feel, and know the gifts you bring to the world.
As you do this, you fully step into being who you really
are, which is a great gift to yourself, and the world. There
are two keys to being able to do this effectively, which are:
being the authority and letting yourself be known. Let’s
explore those now.
 BE THE AUTHORITY
In order to let go of trying to be someone else, and to
boldly be yourself without apology, you must become the
authority in your own life. This is a subtle shift away from
looking to others to tell us what to do, what to say, how to
be, and to look inward and trust our own guidance, our own
decisions.
This can be scary at first. We often look to others because
we don’t feel like the authority. We are unsure, we don’t
know enough yet, we don’t know how, and we’re afraid of
doing it wrong and messing things up. When we turn to
someone else as the authority, and they seem certain about
what they’re saying, it can be very relieving. Ah, they have
the answers; I’ll just do what they say. Whew!
This can be beneficial at first. If you keep having the same
fight with your partner, and you two always get stuck, it
can be helpful to get some outside input. Maybe you
consult with a couple’s counselor, or read a book about how
to communicate better with each other.6 If you apply what
you learn, your communication can improve and your
relationship gets better. Huzzah!
The same goes for learning about how to build a business,
get in better shape, improve your mood, or learn a new
skill. Learning from others, modeling, and finding new
approaches and solutions is the fast track to rapid growth,
and success.
However, learning from others involves trusting in others
and seeing them as an authority on the subject. And that
can slowly lead to trusting others as a higher authority than
yourself in your own life. That’s where it becomes a
problem. That’s where you lose connection with yourself
and lose your power.
 Instead, we must reclaim our power and our sense of
internal authority. We may consider what we have learned
and weigh what different teachers might suggest, and then
decide for ourselves what the best course of action is. Then
stand in that decision firmly, clearly, and confidently. As in:
I said it, I meant it. That just happened.

6. Dan Wile’s After The Honeymoon is the best on this subject in my opinion.
LACK OF INNER AUTHORITY
If you’re experiencing a lack of inner authority in any area
of your life, then you know what it feels like. It involves
uncertainty about how to respond to a specific situation,
what to say, or how to behave. You may even be unsure of
how you “should” think and feel. You might be imagining
different people in your life, or different books you’ve read,
considering what each of them might say to you.
You also have the sense that there is a “right” way to
handle the situation that someone else knows. But you
don’t know the right way and whatever was your way
wasn’t quite as good as it should be. Sometimes this feeling
is very strong and obvious and you’re filled with
uncertainty, anxiety, seconding guessing, and self-doubt.
Sometimes it’s subtler; it’s just a feeling of not being
certain, fully strong in yourself, or slightly timid.
You might then look to others too much, hoping they have
the answers you need. And, for better or worse, you can
definitely find people who have all the certainty in the
world. Whether it’s a book, your brother, or your colleague
at work, there are many places you can find someone
speaking with complete certainty and authority. Because
they sound so sure of themselves, and you secretly feel
unsure inside, it can be natural to conclude that they have
it all figured out and you don’t. So, it would be best to
simply follow their advice. Do what they say.
But certainty does not correlate with accuracy. In other
words, someone could be certain about something and
completely wrong. Their advice could be terrible. But their
certainty is so dang convincing, isn’t it?
Only when we’re not giving ourselves permission to be
the authority in our own lives. Because deep down, you are
just as certain. There is a part of you in your core, in
your heart, that always knows the next best move for
you. It knows how to respond, what to say, and what to do.
There’s just so much mental noise and old programming
telling you not to trust yourself. That noise tells you: Trust
in your teacher, your parents, those people with more
experience, those people who can talk a better game and
sound more confident. Don’t trust in yourself. Who are you
to know anything?
Unfortunately, many of us received this message growing
up so much that we bought into it and now believe it to be
true. But it’s not. You are the authority in your life. You
know what’s best for you. Your heart, when you slow down,
tune into it, breath and listen, can guide you forward. You
can be you. It’s OK. It’s safe. The world will not end, friends
will not disappear, and you will not end up alone and
miserable for the rest of your life. Quite the opposite
actually!
Your energy will return and magnify tenfold. Lightness,
joy, and your natural sense of humor will come out more
and more. Decisions will be easier and doubt will dissolve
as you just choose and take action. Once you stop thinking
there’s someone who can tell you what to do who knows
more than you, all your power returns. Then you are a force
of nature. Look out.
TRUST YOUR INTUITION
The key to being your own authority is to first give yourself
that permission. It might sound simple, but affirming to
yourself: I am choosing to be the authority in my life is a
powerful decision that will significantly impact what you
say, think, feel, and do.
Of course, like any decision, in order for it to have a
lasting effect it must be an ongoing commitment.
Something you do consistently, something you live by. And
the best way to do that is to strengthen your sense of
intuition, trust in yourself, and trust in something bigger
than yourself.
Intuition is a sense of inner knowing that comes from
somewhere other than our scared, self-absorbed minds. It
is not our survival-based programming that thinks everyone
is watching and judging us, and that we need to scramble
just to survive. Instead, it’s a much deeper intelligence that
is accessed through our bodies, and taps into something
much greater than what we think of as ourselves.
We all have intuition. You have a sense about something.
You get the feeling it’s best to go here instead of there.
Your gut tells you it’s a bad move to work with a certain
person, and so you decline an offer. These are different
ways we perceive beyond our conscious, analytic left-brain.
The key to being the authority in your life is to start
paying attention to your intuition. Instead of dismissing it
as untrustworthy and dangerous, start embracing it as a
superior form of guidance, one that is vastly superior to
your conscious mind.
Our standard way of operating in the world is generally
through our ego, or small self. This part of us is obsessed
with how we appear to others, if we’re “getting ahead” and
“becoming somebody” and generally doing everything we
should be doing so that we survive. This part of our mind
thinks it needs to control everything in order to be secure.
It’s constantly planning and mentally manipulating the
environment, deciding what the best course of action is so
that we get what we want, just the way we want it.
What do I need to say or do to make her want to go out
with me? What do I need to do to make him ask me to
marry him? How should I do this presentation to make
these people agree to my proposal? With these questions as
fuel, our minds get to work, weighing variables, calculating
all factors, and attempting to control the external world.
There is a better way. A way that feels relieving, and gives
you a greater sense of authority in your life. And that is to
surrender. To trust more and fear less. To float more and
steer less.
This capacity is so incredibly valuable, I am actually
writing an entire book that will explore it in greater depth.
For now, simply begin by tuning into your intuition. Listen
to it more, and act on it more, starting now. The more you
do this, the more you trust it, and the stronger it becomes.
You will start to feel more relaxed self-confidence and trust
that emerges from a feeling of being guided in your life.
You start to experience the sense of life living through you.
 BEING LIKED VERSUS
BEING KNOWN
As you’ve seen throughout this book, being the nice person
is driven by the need for approval from others. This need
can influence how we approach all people, in all
interactions, and make our primary intent to be liked. This
leads to a phenomenon known as impression management,
where you’re monitoring how you come across, and
adjusting what you say or do to mold others’ perceptions of
you. This habit creates tension, social anxiety, and stress.
As you step out of fear-based niceness and into bold
authenticity, you need a new goal. If your primary purpose
isn’t to make sure everyone likes you, then what is it?
To be known.
If you’re spending time with someone, and your goal is to
get them to like you, then you will avoid certain topics,
smile politely, and do a dozen others things from the nice-
person playbook. But if your primary goal is simply to get
to know the other person, and let them know you, what
would you do?
And what does that even mean, to get to know someone?
Is it learning all the information about their past? Where
they went to school, who they dated, how many jobs they’ve
had and where? While that’s certainly part of getting to
know someone, it’s only a small piece of the equation. You
can know all that information and feel no connection with
someone whatsoever. Or, you can just meet someone and
feel like you’ve known them a lifetime, and yet know very
little about their past.
So, what actually creates that sense of knowing someone?
Knowing someone comes from sharing what is
really happening inside, transparently and
vulnerably. It requires authentic expression of what we’re
experiencing in the moment. This includes what we’re
thinking, feeling, noticing, and perceiving. What we want
and don’t want, like and don’t like. Not some watered-
down, heavily filtered version of this, but what’s actually
happening inside of us. What’s actually true.
When two people are doing this, the conversation
becomes engaging. Even if they don’t agree on all topics,
there is a strong connection because both people are fully
present, fully there in the moment.
In contrast, when we come from a place of wanting to be
liked, we are not fully there. We are hiding large parts of
ourselves, and much of our attention is in our heads,
filtering what we’ll say next to get the person to see us in a
certain way. This lack of presence is instantly felt
subconsciously by others, and they become less engaged
and less interested, even if we’re being friendly and asking
all the “right” questions. Energy trumps content every
time.
So what if you decided, right now, that from now on your
goal in being with others was not to be liked, but to be
known? To share who you are, and find out who they are.
Or, as one of my clients put it in his words: “To connect and
have fun.”
When you make this choice, and act upon it, you will
discover another paradox of niceness. When you stop trying
to be liked, and your intention is just to share who you are,
as you are, guess what happens? That’s right – people like
you way more. They are naturally drawn to you, and there
is an ease and effortlessness about how you attract them.
You, as you are, right now, are enough. You can share
yourself. Be yourself. Reveal yourself. You don’t have to
wait until you’re better, or you have it all sorted out, or you
don’t have negative feelings. You don’t have to read
eighteen more self-development books on how to share and
communicate better. You can be you. It’s OK. It’s safe. I
promise.
However, me telling you that, and you knowing that,
might be two different things. Which actually brings us to
the final section of this book, which is all about what
matters most: Action.
PART IV:
ACTION
 CHAPTER 15:

YOUR BTB 30-DAY ACTION

PLAN
Welcome to Boldness Training Bootcamp! It seems highly
likely to me that you have already begun to take some
action on what you are learning in this book. To make it
this far, and not have done anything different indicates a
strong pattern of discomfort avoidance. If so, not to worry,
we have a clear set path of specific actions for you to take,
starting today.
If you have been trying new things, testing out saying no,
asking for what you want, and being more expressive, then
you’re in good shape. This section will give you more ideas,
and lay out a specific plan for you to follow to increase your
progress.
Remember, the opposite of nice is not being a jerk, it’s
being authentically you. More direct, more assertive, more
expressive, and ultimately more alive. This allows you to
then be more generous, kinder, and more loving with
anyone you choose.
Also remember that intellectual insight and new
understandings are extremely helpful, but only in so far as
they help you take new action in your life. Repeated action
over time — doing the uncomfortable thing again and again
— is what’s going to set you free.
Boldness Training Bootcamp, which is designed to help
you shed excessive niceness and return you to your full
personal power, is very much like going to the gym. I like to
use this metaphor because everyone understands what it
takes to get physically stronger. We all know that you need
to go to the gym, or run, or swim, and do this activity again
and again to get stronger.
If you went to the gym once per week and curled a five-
pound weight a few times, and then left, would you be any
stronger after a month? Sounds absurd, right? But
somehow we don’t use the same logic when it comes to
changing patterns of behavior, communication, or thought.
In those instances, we might say, “I kinda tried to speak up,
by asking them a question, but they didn’t listen to me, so I
dropped it.” If that’s your attitude, this boldness training
will never work!
Our mind says that simply because it’s uncomfortable.
The discomfort of lifting weights, or going for a run is
somehow simpler, and often much easier to endure. We
know it will end, and we often feel an immediate high after
working out. We also know that if we keep doing it, we’ll
get stronger.
However, when it comes to Boldness Training, it can be
less clear. After a “workout” where we said no directly, or
made a choice that upset someone else, we can feel waves
of self-doubt, self-criticism, or guilt. To make matters
worse, we may have created relationships in our lives
where we were constantly pleasing others and they’ve
come to expect that. We may have trained everyone around
us to demand we do their bidding, regardless of what we
want.
As you become bolder, expressive, authentic, and
powerful, you will overcome all of these challenges. You’ll
discover that some relationships evolve and grow as you
do. There’s more space for you to be you, and everything
gets better. Other relationships turn out not to be much of
a real relationship after all. It turns out the other person is
enjoying having someone do what they want, and doesn’t
like the idea of that person having a will of their own.
In these cases, you’ll be met with the “change back
phenomenon.” This term comes from family counseling,
and describes the phenomenon of pressure one family
member might feel when they try to make a positive
change. Counselors discovered that other family members
would often resist the change, even though it’s for the
better. They might confront the family member, or offer a
more passive form of resistance through guilt-tripping or
sarcastic comments. These indirect communications are
unconsciously communicating: I don’t like change! Change
back to the way you were right now, and everything will go
back to normal and I’ll be happy again. Change back!
If you are met with a few change back behaviors, don’t
worry about it. It’s a natural and normal part of the
process. Some of your friendships and relationships will
grow much deeper, and some will fall away. That’s OK. You
will then have space to attract more inspiring people in
your life who love and support the authentic version of you.
As you do this, instead of others turning against you, and
terrible things happening, you’ll discover it’s quite the
opposite. Others become more interested in you, more
attracted to you. People want to be your friend, date you,
sleep with you, or marry you. They want to hire you, work
with you, or work for you. They start to treat you with more
authority and respect. Everything you want is just on the
other side of your comfort zone.
So, are you ready to get uncomfortable in order to create
the life you’ve always wanted? Are you pumped? I’m
pumped. Let’s do this.
THE PLAN
OK, here’s the plan: For the next thirty days you are going
to do one thing per day that challenges your nice-person
programming. For example, today you are going to start a
fight, and you are going to lose. No, I’m kidding. The
challenges will be basic, fast, and easy to apply in your life.
In fact, you might be surprised how little time this takes.
Most of these exercises can be completed in several
minutes. Some may require up to fifteen minutes. Time is
not the obstacle here, discomfort is. And if you are willing
to face discomfort in order to liberate yourself, then you
are set for a life-changing month.
Remember, this is the three-step process for eliminating
excessive niceness and becoming a more authentic,
confident version of you:
1. Decide to be not nice.
2. Do the not nice stuff that makes you scared and
uncomfortable.
3. Work through the internal backlash (guilt, anxiety,
doubt, fear) afterwards.
The plan is simple. First, decide when you are going to
begin. Unless you are going on a solo meditation retreat in
the mountains next week, I suggest you begin today, or
tomorrow. Not when you’re less busy and it sounds easier,
not when you finish that project at work, and not in thirteen
years when your kids graduate high school and head off for
college. Today. Now.
Ready?
Begin!
Week 1: Foundation
Day 1 – Clarity
Let’s begin by getting clarity on two things. First, where
you are now, and secondly why it’s a must for you to break
free to a higher level of boldness and authenticity.
Begin by taking the How Nice Are You Assessment on
page 33. You may have taken it when you read that section
of the book, but it’s good to get a clear sense of where you
are in this moment as you begin these thirty days.
Secondly, take a few minutes and get clear on why
reaching the next level of growth and freedom is essential.
In order to persist in the face of discomfort to achieve
anything, we must have a strong internal motivation to help
us make it through the hard times. The natural human
tendency is to move away from discomfort over time, so in
order to override this, write out your reasons.
Why is it essential for you to break free now? What has
being too nice cost you in your life? What pain is it causing
you? What pain is it causing others?
What will becoming more expressive, free, empowered,
and loving bring to your life? What will your life be like on
the other side?
Take as long as you’d like to reflect on these questions,
and then write something down. Don’t just answer these in
your head. Get your thoughts down on paper or in your
phone so you can read them later in this process, whenever
you need a motivation boost.
Day 2 – I Don’t Need Your Approval
Today is a fun one. Start by reviewing the 15 Common
Signs of Approval Seeking on page 49. Pick one from the
list that you’d like to reduce today. And then, starting right
now, and frequently throughout the day, remind yourself of
this powerful truth: I don’t need your approval.
Say it silently in your mind right now. Repeat it before any
social interaction. Repeat it while you’re sitting in a
meeting at work, or interacting with your boss or a
customer. Repeat it as you check out at the supermarket.
Repeat it before and during your date with that really
attractive person you’re nervous about seeing.
Repeat liberally. No need to force anything or make
yourself feel a certain way. Simply let the words settle into
your mind like seeds being scattered in a fertile field.
Day 3 – What Do I Want?
Open up a fresh sheet of paper or note file on your
computer and ask yourself this question: What do I want?
Write freely, quickly, and without editing your thoughts.
No one else is going to read this; it’s just for you. If your
mind judges what comes out, that’s OK. That’s what our
minds are trained to do. Just keep writing, as quickly as you
can.
I want…
I want…
I want…
And then, when you’re done, ask yourself this question:
What do I really want?
And write some more.
When you’re done, take a few minutes to read over what
you’ve written. Slow down and breathe. Notice how you
feel. Find any discomfort in your body and bring your
attention to it, meeting it with curiosity, acceptance, and
love. No need to be alarmed. That discomfort is just a
young part of you that is scared because it was taught that
it was bad to want things. Just hold that part in your
awareness with patience and love, and it’ll calm down.
Then, throughout the day, ask yourself that question
multiple times: In this situation, what do I want?
Notice what answers arise. If you can, and feel up for it,
try acting on what you discover. For example, if you’re
talking with someone and not feeling satisfied with the
conversation, ask yourself, what do I want here? Perhaps
you discover that you want to end the conversation so you
can talk with someone else. If you feel ready for it, simply
tell the person at the next opportunity, “It’s been great
talking with you, Bob. I’m going to head over to the lounge
area for a bit. I’ll catch you later.”
If acting on what you want seems too intense, or is too
challenging right now, that’s fine. We’re only in Day 3! In
that case, simply notice what you really want, without
making it wrong or bad. Also notice how much fear there is
around simply asking for or doing what you want. Let
yourself be curious and fascinated by it all, trusting that
you will be free before too long.
Day 4 – Your Bill of Rights
Remember this from Chapter 6? Did you make one? If not,
go back to that section and create one now. It is a life-
changing exercise.
Then, read your Bill of Rights this morning. Read it out
loud. If you need privacy, do it on your way to work in your
car. Pull off to the side of the road somewhere and belt
them out. Strange? Sure. But liberating? You know it! So,
let’s get a little strange in order to be happy, free, and full
of love. (You may even want to make a practice of reading
your Bill of Rights once per day for the next few weeks.)
Then, throughout your day, notice how this changes your
outlook and actions. Are you able to do something you
normally wouldn’t? Are you able to let something go and
release guilt quickly and easily, when in the past you would
have stewed about it for hours? Give yourself full
permission to live from these rights. Embody them as much
as you can today. Be brave.
No matter what, you are safe, you are worthy, and you are
loved. It’s OK to be you.
 Day 5 – Strengthen Your Reality
Remember this exercise from page 176 where you wrote
out the answer to some questions to strengthen your
reality? If not, do it now! If so, read what you wrote out
loud. Again, do so in the car, or in your room if you need
the privacy.
Don’t read it as if you’re reading an operations manual.
Read it as if you were sharing the most valuable thing in
the world with your best friend, or spouse, or kids, and you
knew it would change their lives if they heard it.
Here are the questions:
What do you love?
(What do you like, appreciate, and enjoy?)
What do you hate?
(What do you dislike, what annoys you, bothers you,
irritates you, or pisses you off?)
What do you believe?
(What do you believe in? Start each sentence with “I
believe...”)
What is great about you?
(What are your strengths, positive qualities, quirks and
endearing traits? What makes you, you?)
What’s your purpose?
(Why are you here? What is the point? What are you going
to do?)
Let those words settle in, and live from that place today.
Pay attention to your perception today, how you see things,
and what you think and feel. Notice any tendency to
dismiss it, or privilege others’ perspectives more than your
own. Own your reality today. Let it feel good.
Day 6 – I Am the Source
What if for all these years, you had it all wrong? What if
the approval you were trying to get from others wasn’t held
by them at all? What if, unbeknownst to you, others were
actually looking to you for your approval?
Does this sound far-fetched? Maybe not as you’ve grown
during this challenge and from reading this book. Actually,
it’s a surprising truth that you only start to see when you
open your eyes to it.
I’ll never forget when I first discovered this could be a
possibility — that others could want my approval. I was
having a conversation with a sweet, intelligent, and
beautiful woman in a supermarket of all places. I had
exercised my boldness and had simply approached her to
start a conversation. Within several minutes we were
engaged in a fun and free-flowing conversation that
extended into topics way outside the bounds of
supermarket foods.
All of a sudden, I heard a slight quiver in her voice as she
spoke. In an instant, I knew what was happening. She was
nervous! I was completely blown away. For over a decade I
thought I was the one who should get nervous because I
was the one who needed the other person’s approval. Now,
I saw that she was nervous because she liked me and she
wanted me to like her. The whole thing threw me for a loop
and took me a few days to take in.
The question I have for you is, what if you were the
source of approval?
For the rest of today, operate as if that were true. Imagine
that each person you speak with, no matter how beautiful,
powerful, successful, or intimidating, wants your approval.
How would you act? How would you speak? How would you
look at them?
Let this guide your behavior today, and perhaps every day
for the rest of your life.
Day 7 – Own Your Shadow
 You are not perfect. Or saintly. Nor do you need to be.
Remember the discussion about your shadow in Chapter 8?
There’s actually many different parts inside of you. Our
homeboy Freud just happened to name three of them: Id,
Ego, and Superego.
The Id is about impulse, immediate desire, and is
primarily self-focused. I want what I want, and I want it
now. Sex, sweet foods, and pleasure. All fun, no work, no
responsibility. The Superego is your internal school
principal — trying to uphold order with a-hundred-and-one
rules and commands for how you “should” be. And then
there’s Ego in the middle, trying to take these two wildly
differing inputs and choose effective behaviors in the
world.
So today, here’s what you’re going to do. Pay attention to
your Id. That’s it. Notice your impulses, your desires, and
your reactions. Let yourself be more aware and curious
about this part of you.
One moment you might notice you don’t want to do some
difficult task or chore. Maybe you feel a desire to forget all
that and just go have fun. Later in the day, you might notice
an overpowering rage when someone talks over you in a
meeting. You feel a desire to smash them in the face. In the
evening, you might notice a desire to do less around the
house so your spouse has to pick up the slack and put the
kids to bed.
What if you didn’t suppress any of these thoughts or
feelings? What if you didn’t judge yourself for having them,
or make yourself wrong?
Of course, you probably wouldn’t want to leap across the
table and attack Henry during the meeting, and maybe you
would override your desire to shirk responsibility in the
household. Paying attention to your Id doesn’t mean doing
whatever it says to do.
Instead, you can just be curious about this part of
yourself. You can be amused at how wacky and outrageous
some of those urges are. I remember I was doing this
experiment many years ago when I worked at a
psychological counseling clinic in a major university. We
used to have to sit through these extremely slow, dry,
boring meetings that would drag on way beyond any
reasonable timeframe. They always seemed so
unproductive, and often involved lots of venting and
complaining with no real solutions or direct leadership.
On one particular meeting, I just started paying attention
to my Id and what it wanted to do in there. And guess
what? I had this image of me jumping up on the big board
room table, unzipping my fly, and peeing right there, all
over everyone’s paper’s and coffee cups. It was so utterly
absurd, I had to smile. And then I carried the fantasy out in
my mind. What would they do? How would Dana react?
Would they scramble to get their scones out of the way, or
would they stare in utter shock and disbelief? Needless the
say, with my mind focused on such absurdities the meeting
passed by very quickly and I was soon free to carry on with
my day.
Pay attention to your shadow today. Be amused. Love her
up.
You Rock!
Ok, that brings us to the end of Week 1. You are amazing.
Now that you’re completing your foundation, it’s time to
get in the Forge phase. Here you will start diving in and
facing more discomfort by taking specific action in the
world. Remember that there can be discomfort after taking
bold action. You may feel embarrassed, worried about what
others think, or insecure. Your mind might make up
dramatic stories about how everyone in the world noticed,
and thinks you suck, and that terrible things will happen if
you don’t stop this challenge right now. That’s just your
safety police getting stirred up.
Remember to use the tools you learned earlier in this
book, including the Peace Process, Energy Bubble, and
Pattern Interrupts, among others. And above all else, stick
with the plan. It’s a good plan. If you really want to
accelerate your progress, I recommend listening to the
Peace Process guided audio once per day for the next seven
days. It will greatly enhance your capacity to tolerate
discomfort, thereby freeing you to do more of what you
really want.
Week 2: Forge
Day 8 – Ice Showers
Remember those from Chapter 11? That wasn’t an
intellectual exercise. Cold showers can change your life.
I’m serious. Doing them regularly strengthens your
commitment, builds discipline and willpower, and can even
reduce your body fat percentage.
Today when you get into the shower, take a minute to let
yourself warm up, and then turn the water to as cold. Stay
in the water for one minute. Be sure to lift your arms, get
your chest and stomach, and let the water run over your
head. You can count sixty seconds, or use a water-resistant
watch. Once sixty seconds has passed, go back to warm for
a minute or so, and then do one more sixty second blast of
cold. Then enjoy your shower as usual, being sure to end
with twenty to thirty seconds of cold water right at the end.
For maximum results, I suggest doing this in every
shower you take, forever. But then again, I’m known for
being extreme. At the very least, continue this practice for
the remainder of your time in Boldness Training Bootcamp
challenge.
Day 9 – Endure Disapproval
Today you are going to get some disapproval. Ack! That’s
bad! Fortunately, it will all be in your head. Ooh, that’s
good.
Find a quiet place to sit where you won’t be disturbed for
fifteen minutes. Then, think of someone you know and like.
Someone who you want to like you. Close your eyes and
imagine them disapproving of you for something you did or
failed to do. Preferably pick something you actually want to
do, not just some random offensive thing.
For example, let’s say you get terrified about being late
for meetings with your boss. Whenever you’re late you have
a mini panic attack and spend your commute freaking out
about how bad it will be. In that case, imagine being late
for a meeting and your boss disapproving of you for it.
Or, let’s say you don’t want to prepare all the meals in
your household. If you were to tell your spouse that you
want them to be responsible for half of the meals, you know
they would object and get upset, telling you it’s unfair
because they already do X, Y, and Z. In that case, imagine
making your request, and them being upset with you.
Do you have someone and something in mind? Good.
Simply imagine yourself going through with it, and let
yourself see in your mind’s eye their disapproval. Then,
bring your attention to your body, right into the part that’s
most tense, tight, or constricted. It might be your chest,
throat, stomach, or forehead. Maybe your shoulders hunch
up and your jaw clenches. Wherever you feel tension, let
your attention rest there.
Then breathe, notice, and feel. Stay out of your mind and
in your body. You are simply increasing your capacity to
tolerate this kind of discomfort. You don’t need to make it
go away, or solve anything. You are just hanging out for 15
minutes with these sensations. It’s just a different kind of
ice shower.
Day 10 – The Extended Order
Today involves going to a coffee shop or restaurant where
you order at the counter. Make time for this in your
schedule today.
When you get there, you are going to expose yourself to
more disapproval by taking too long to order. When you get
to the front of the line and it’s your turn, take a long, slow
look at the menu. Look pained by the number of choices.
Rap your fingers against the counter. Ask lots of questions.
“Uuuuhhhhhhhmmmm… hmmmmm…” (long pause).
“What’s the difference between Ginger Spice and
Pumpkin Spice?”
Stay in it way longer than you want to. Yes, it’s
uncomfortable. Yes, someone might get upset with you. No,
you’re not hurting anyone. And that’s exactly what you’re
showing yourself by doing this exercise. It might annoy
someone, but you can handle it, and no one dies. In fact,
that person who’s all stressed out because you took an
extra two minutes of their life could probably benefit from
chilling their Type-A butt out anyway.
Day 11 – Disagreement Lite
Today you are going to pay close attention in your
interactions with others and notice one thing: When you
disagree. As you listen to someone speaking, ask yourself:
Do I agree with this? Trust in your perspective and opinion.
When you notice when you disagree, simply take note of
it. This is Disagreement Lite, so you don’t actually have to
say anything. We’re just building your awareness about
what you actually think, feel, and perceive.
Day 12 – Ask for Something For Free
 Today is another fun one. Go somewhere, such as a food
cart, sandwich shop, or other establishment and warmly
ask for something for free.
“Excuse me, can I get have this bottle of water?”
“Can I get my Supreme Bowl for free?”
Notice your fear about asking before you ask. Notice their
response. Notice your internal reactions to their response.
Notice how you feel afterwards.
Any discomfort along the way? Good! That means you’re
growing. It means you are alive.
Day 13 – Ask for What You Want
Find an opportunity today to specifically ask for
something you want. Not, “Will you pass the salt, please?”
Pick something that is edgy or uncomfortable and ask for
it. Something that the nice version of you would never have
asked for. Perhaps it’s something that you judge as “too
much” or maybe it inconveniences someone to give it to
you. Stretch yourself here and lean into the edge of your
comfort zone.
If your coworkers are going out to lunch, ask if one of
them can bring you takeout from the restaurant when they
come back. Better yet, ask if you can join them. Ask your
spouse to listen as you share about something you’re proud
of or excited about. Ask your friend to give you back the
item she borrowed.
Think about it for a minute and you’ll know what the thing
is. If it’s a little (or a lot) uncomfortable to ask for, you
know you’re on the right track.
Day 14 – Share Something, Unsolicited
Today you are going to look for an opportunity to share
something, without having been explicitly asked. This can
be in any conversation, with colleagues, friends, or family.
You’re going to break the habit of only sharing when
someone asks you to.
Instead of waiting for them to ask, just share something.
When you see your colleague, tell them about the improv
comedy class you joined. When you see your friend, tell
them about the hilarious movie you watched a week ago.
When you see your spouse, share something you found
interesting from your day, without waiting for them to ask.
Take a page out of the book of Zaim, or your inner three-
your-old, and just assume everyone is interested, simply
because you’re you. And you’re awesome.
Day 15 – Disagreement for Reals
You know what’s coming here. Today you are going to
notice when you disagree with something that someone
says, just like you did a few days ago. But today you are
going to actually say something. If you’d like, you can
review the many different ways to disagree, starting on
page 277.
But trying too hard to get it right and make it perfect are
often signs of trying to minimize discomfort. Instead, go for
it. Let it be a little awkward, or messy. Also, pay close
attention to how they react. You might be surprised to see
how little they seem to notice.
Then, pay close attention to how your mind reacts over
the following few minutes and hours. It could go down all
kinds of catastrophe scenarios about death and ruin. Just
smile at your safety police and love it up. The more you
take bold action, the less power its words hold over you.
Day 16 – Disagreement Max
This one’s awesome. Today you are going to disagree
again, but this time you are going to casually throw the
actual word “disagree” in there. You don’t need to make a
big deal about it, or bend the other person to your will or
anything. You are simply using that word on purpose to
show the scared, nice part of you that it’s no big deal, and
that you can handle anything.
If someone’s sharing something and you disagree, you
can simply say, “Interesting. I disagree. I think the most
important thing to focus on would be blah blah blah.”
Be sure to throw the actual word “disagree” in there. It
might seem trivial, but it is a powerful liberating force for
your subconscious mind.
Week 3: Freedom
Day 17 – I Am the Owner
Today you are going to see yourself as the owner of your
life. Remind yourself throughout the day:
I am the owner of my life.
I create what happens to me.
I always have choice.
 
In addition, let yourself see everyone you meet as the
owner of their life as well. Give them that gift and the
dignity of seeing them as a powerful creator. They have
power, freedom, and choice. Even if they seem stuck or
helpless, remind yourself to see them as the owner of their
life, the captain of their ship, and the master of their
destiny.
Day 18 – Certainty Rant
Sometime today, perhaps on your car ride to work or in
the morning, go on a two minute certainty rant. To review
this technique, refer to page 252.
Put your heart and soul into it. Rant with gusto, power,
and energy. ¡Con fuerte!
Day 19 – Say No Today
The title says it all here. Find one opportunity to say “no”
to someone today. Don’t wait for the perfect moment, or
figure out how to say it in the best possible way. Just do it.
Remind yourself that the ability to say “no” is a muscle that
grows stronger with frequent use. And that doing so gives
you more freedom, power, and choice in your life, which
increases your happiness and ability to freely and joyously
love others.
Day 20 – Interrupt Someone
Find an opportunity today to casually interrupt someone.
You can try using enthusiasm as you do it, as if something
really fascinating just popped into your head. Again, it
doesn’t matter how you do it, or how smooth you are. Let it
be clunky, or awkward, or messy. Just do it. Today.
Day 21 – Approach Authority
Actively move towards someone who you view as an
authority. Likely targets can be your supervisor, boss, or
boss’s boss at work. In the past you may have had a bad
habit of avoiding these kinds of people and turning the
other way. Not today!
Today you are going to seek them out and initiate a brief
conversation. It can be totally casual, as you ride the
elevator together. You can knock on their office door, and
ask them a quick question or two about an upcoming
project. It doesn’t matter what you say. The important thing
is to approach them.
As you do so, remind yourself that they are just a person.
Think of them using their first name, not their title.
Remember, they were a kid once, and they have pains and
fears and experience self-doubt too. Also remember that
despite their status, you are the source of approval.
If you run your own business, are a stay at home parent,
or don’t work today, pick someone else. Who is an authority
for you that you tend to avoid out of nervousness? Your
dad? An attractive stranger? Someone who’s well-dressed?
Attorneys? Whoever it might be, find that person, call them,
or reach out to them. Find a way to approach them today.
Day 22 – Say “No” Again
Today you are going to find another opportunity to say
“no.” Repetition is the mother of skill, and makes saying no
easier and easier. This time, take it a little further and offer
no with no explanation at all. Simply smile and say, “No,
thanks.” If the situation warrants an explanation, check
your nice-person programming; it might not. That just
might be a compulsive need to explain out of a fear of
upsetting others. But if, upon further examination, you still
would like to offer an explanation, keep it brief and with
minimal details.
Day 23 – Have the Conversation You’ve Been
Avoiding
Oh yeah. Now we’re getting into the really good stuff! You
know that conversation you’ve been avoiding? The one that
makes you a little sweaty to even think about? The one that
makes your stomach tense and you feel like you have to
either throw up, use the bathroom, or run away? That one.
Maybe it’s not that intense for you. Maybe it’s just that
tense conversation about parenting styles, or money, or sex
that you’ve been wanting to have with your spouse. Maybe
it’s that conversation with a friend who’s been talking too
much about his ex, but you’ve just let him because he
seemed so broken up about it. You’re tired of hearing about
it, and want to have time to talk about other things when
you’re together.
It could be with your mom or your dad. Your brother or
your teenage son. It could be someone you work with, or
work for (gulp).
Do you know who it is now? Most likely you do. It might
be the one you initially thought of, and then dismissed
because it seemed too awkward or uncomfortable.
 Fortunately, we both know that discomfort tolerance is
the secret super power for an incredible life of happiness,
freedom, and fulfilling relationships.
So, let yourself discover who that person is, and what the
conversation that you need to have is. Then go have that
conversation today.
You got this, rock star.
I love you.
Week 4: Flight
Day 24 – Commit to Take Care Of Yourself
Decide today that you are going to take care of yourself.
No, I don’t mean relax in bed, binge watch TV shows, and
go get a pedicure. I mean make a deep commitment that
you are going to start taking care of yourself.
This means you are going to ask yourself what you want
and need in different situations and really listen to the
response. You honor what you desire, and value it deeply. If
a situation is unpleasant or unhealthy, you take care of
yourself by speaking up, or getting out of there.
One of my clients was a seventy-eight-year-old woman
who had suffered a stroke. She had mostly recovered, but
she had to monitor her blood pressure to make sure she
wasn’t getting stressed in her body, lest she have another
stroke.
In spite of this potential consequence, she couldn’t stop
herself from pushing her limits, demanding that she cook
all the meals, do all the dishes, manage all the household
tasks, and manage the accounting for the family business.
As we discussed these patterns, we came up with the name
“Superwoman” for the part of her that demanded she do
more, regardless of her health.
Through our work together, I slowly convinced her to
change her top priority from getting more done, looking
good to others, or keeping up with her sister, to just one
focus. In fact, I suggested she write this down and repeat it
multiple times per day.
Above all else, my top priority is to take care of myself.
She began to say this each day, and implement it in her
life. She began slowing down when she was driving herself
hard, and listening to another part of herself, which she
called “Common Sense.” This part told her to take breaks,
to delegate responsibilities she didn’t need to personally
take care of, and to sometimes just go outside for a walk.
This part also encouraged her not to schedule back to back
meetings, as they tended to stress her out.
As she began to listen to this part and take care of
herself, she changed dozens of things in her life. In that
time, her life transformed. Her blood pressure went down,
and her multi-decade pattern of frequent panic attacks
vanished.
What might happen today, and for the rest of your life, if
you were to decide to make taking care of yourself a top
priority?
Day 25 – Hold Nothing Back
This morning, ask yourself this question: If I held nothing
back today, what would I say? What would I do?
Let yourself reflect for a few minutes on whatever comes
to mind. Then proceed with your normal day.
Notice how you show up in different situations. Notice
where you might be holding back. Ask yourself in those
instances: If I wasn’t holding back right now, what would I
say? What would I do?
This evening, before you go to sleep, reflect on these
moments. Notice where you were bolder, more expressive,
more you. How did it feel? Good? Exciting? Free? Was it a
little unpredictable or scary?
 Also, where did you hold back? What did you not say?
What did you not do? How did that feel? Relieving?
Predictable? Safe?
Notice whatever you notice, and draw whatever lessons
you need from this day’s experiment.
Day 26 – Ask for What You Really Want
Today you are going to ask for what you really want.
Earlier in this program you may have asked someone for
something you wanted. Maybe you got it, and maybe you
didn’t. Maybe it felt edgy or vulnerable to ask, and maybe it
was simpler.
Regardless, it’s time to ask for something else. This time,
pick something that you want even more. Choose someone
close to you — a dear friend, a family member, or your
partner.
Approach them directly. Be authentic, and be vulnerable.
If you are nervous about asking, reveal that as well. Put
yourself out there and ask for what you really want, just as
you want it.
If any guilt, fear, or other discomfort arises, embrace it.
You are becoming a discomfort tolerance master.
Day 27 – 100% Me
This morning you are going to write out this sentence
stem and complete it twenty times. Do it as quickly as
possible and do not overthink what you write. Do not
hesitate or slow down, just keep writing the sentence stem
and completing it again and again until you reach twenty.
The sentence stem is:
If I were being 100% me today, I would…
Once you’ve done this, bring it forward into your day. Be
that way as much as you can in as many situations as you
can.
Enjoy.
 Day 28 – Ehhh!
Today you are going to practicing applying one of my
favorite techniques. I don’t have a catchy name for it, so
we’ll just call it “Ehh!” and it goes something like this.
During the course of the day, you are going to do
something that used to cause discomfort because you
would take responsibility for other people’s feelings. Maybe
it’s asking for something, saying no, putting yourself first,
or anything else out of the Not Nice playbook.
When you notice that discomfort arising, and that old
familiar feeling of guilt, you are simply going to wave your
hand through the air, as if you’re casually swatting at a fly.
As you do this, say out loud, “Ehh! They’ll be fine.”
Imagine you are swatting away all the doubt, fear,
obligation, and need to take care of others. In one simple
wave of your hand, you release all of this, seeing them and
yourself as creators and powerful adults.
It may take some practice, but once you’ve done enough
of this kind of boldness training and internalized the
messages in this book, you will be able to do it more and
more. It’s an amazing feeling to have something that would
have caused you days of agony in the past float by in just
several seconds.
Day 29 – “Hell Yes” or “Hell No” Challenge
Today you are going to experiment with only doing
something if it is a “Hell yes!” for you. Anything less than a
“hell yes” is a “hell no,” so don’t do it. Decline an invitation,
don’t complete some paperwork, or tell your coworker you
can’t get that task done for him today.
You may enjoy doing this, and it may feel liberating. Or,
you may feel anxious, worried that your entire world will
fall apart at the seams. Regardless, stick with it for the
entire day. You’re just flexing that discomfort muscle and
getting it stronger, which will help you in all your
relationships, and in all areas of your life.
If you enjoy it, you just might choose to do it again
tomorrow.
Day 30 – See with The Eyes Of Love
Today you are going to practice seeing through all nice
person messages, evaluations, expectations, and demands
you place on yourself and others. Take twenty or thirty
minutes and go to a busy place with lots of people, such as
a food court, plaza, or mall. Then, just sit on a bench and
look around you at all the people walking by. Find someone
to focus on and let your attention settle on them. Breathe,
relax in your body, and observe this person as they move
through the world.
Can you get a gut sense of what they’re like? Do they
seem happy or sad? Excited or tired? Who are they with?
Are they alone? Do they seem lonely or at peace? Are they
with their parents, partner, friends, or kids? Do they seem
open and loving, or closed and constricted? Let yourself
wonder what their dreams are. Muse about what things
they might fear in life. Are they too nice? Do they want
others to like them? How have they criticized and judged
themselves? What parts of themselves might they have
hidden away or thought of as bad and wrong?
Don’t answer these questions with your mind through
rational analysis. Instead, just feel your breath and focus
your attention on your heart. Let yourself feel these
answers, sensing the essence of this person. Then, let
yourself move on to someone else.
Do this for fifteen to twenty minutes. Afterwards, stand up
and walk back to your car, or house, or office. What did you
experience? What did you notice?
Is it possible that everyone else is wrapped up in their
own fears, dreams, desires, and doubts? Are others
terrified of being judged by their family, friends, peers, or
even strangers? What was it like to see with the eyes of
love?
Week 5+: Forever
As you know by now, this process doesn’t end with Day 30.
By now you have some solid momentum, and I encourage
you to use it. Keep going! Each day, look for opportunities
to practice being less nice.
Ask for what you want, say “no,” speak up, share freely,
disagree, share your perspective or opinion, interrupt,
prevent someone from interrupting you, discover what you
want, take care of yourself, and give yourself permission to
be you.
Just like going to the gym, the longer you go, the stronger
you get. The more social power and freedom you generate,
which allows you to speak more freely, express yourself
more boldly, and rise to higher levels of leadership in all
areas of your life.
I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for
joining me on this epic journey, which never really ends. I
am your brother on this same path, looking for
opportunities each day to be more authentic, expressive,
free, and truly loving with others on this planet.
I hope that we get a chance to meet one day, perhaps at
one of my live events. I am amazed at the intelligence,
heart, courage, and commitment of the people who attend
those. I find that I grow just as much as everyone there,
and there is a beautiful process of symbiotic healing for us
all.
And who knows, perhaps we’ll meet in a very different
context. I just might happen to be in line at a coffee shop,
waiting to place my order, and hear someone in front of me
taking way too long to order, loudly saying, “Hmmm…
What’s the difference between a mint chip latte and a
double mocha latte?”
I wish you all the best, my friend, on your path towards
greater authenticity, freedom, happiness, and deeply
fulfilling relationships.
With love and gratitude,
Aziz.
Oh, there’s just one more thing I want to share with you.
It’s a selection of short stories from my own life of applying
the pillars of Not Nice in my daily life. Enjoy.
 EPILOGUE:

NOT NICE IN ACTION

By now you have a clear plan of exactly what you can do to
start building your boldness and authenticity muscles. To
further support you on this path, I wanted to share ten
short stories of me being Not Nice in action.
In some instances, I am bold, direct, honest, and clear. In
other instances, nice guy conditioning pops up and it is
only afterwards that I see the automatic niceness that
determined my behavior.
As you read these stories, notice your internal reactions.
Are you amused, envious, uncomfortable, excited? These
responses can give insight into your own level of social
power and freedom.
I CAN, BUT I’D RATHER NOT
I wrote much of this book between the hours of 4:00 and
6:00a.m. Between being a dad to two small children,
spending time with my wife Candace, working out, and
running a business, that was the only time I found I could
consistently carve out to make it happen. So I did. Level 5
Motivation, baby – whatever it takes.
On weekday mornings I would get up at 3:00 am,
meditate for an hour, write from about 4:20 am to 5:00 am,
then go to the gym. On weekends, I could write from 4:20
am to 5:30 or 6:00 am, until the kids woke up. Somewhere
in the process, we ended daylight savings time, which
meant our clocks rolled back an hour, and for a short
period of time, sleeping schedules were wacky and my son
Zaim was waking up at 4:30 am
Here is a text exchange between me and Candace on one
of those mornings at 4:28 am:
CANDACE: Zaim’s body is programmed to wake up at this
time it seems.
AZIZ: Dang. Is he ready to get up? I leave for the gym in
about 20, but I can be with him until then.
(pause)
AZIZ: (although I’d rather keep writing if he’s still dozy)
CANDACE: Think I can get him back to sleep.
AZIZ: Ok. Thanks!
To some people, this might seem so minor, so insignificant
that they wouldn’t even think twice about it. But for a
recovered Nice Person, this is a great sign of progress. My
first response is me being authentic (by saying “dang”),
then offering to support. In the past, I would have left it
just at that. He’s up, let me help.
As soon as I sent it, however, I noticed a feeling inside of
me saying, “I don’t want to stop writing right now. I’m just
getting into it, and I have 20 minutes left!”
So, I sent the next text, expressing what I’d prefer. It
wasn’t a hard line. If he was up and wanting me, I certainly
would have gone to get him. But notice the subtle power of
the nice programming to eliminate even stating what you
really want or don’t want. Notice the subtle pull towards
powerlessness, where I do what I think is needed, feeling I
have no choice, and then deep down start to feel resentful.
Pay attention to those signals. And note how even if you
start nice, or pleasing, or accommodating, you can always
say more, or change your stance. You can always find a way
to speak up for what you want. Always.
HALLOWEEN
Our son Zaim is almost three years old. He is very excited
about trick-or-treaters coming to our house. He has an
entire conversation planned out with these imaginary kids
that goes something like this: I say, "How old are you?"
They say, "Ten."
I say, "Whaaattt???"
As time passes, no trick-or-treaters arrive. He becomes
sad and confused. Where are they? Are they not coming?
Apparently not. This is our first Halloween in this house,
and apparently our street sucks.
So we grab Zaim, his little baby brother, and the four of
us hop into our car to drive to a street nearby that has tons
of shops that give out candy to kids. We tell him we're
going to find the trick-or-treaters and he can ask them how
old they are. This excites and delights him.
It's worth mentioning at this point that Candace and I are
pretty solid health nuts and eat a super clean diet with no
processed foods or sugars. Candy consumption for kids
seems inevitable, but our goal is to postpone Zaim's first
highly concentrated chemical sugar-bomb experience until
he's a bit older.
So there we are on Alberta Street in Portland, watching
as kids and adults in costumes pass every which way. Zaim
is enthralled and stares wide-eyed as ghosts, ninjas, a yeti,
and Batman walk by. He begins carrying out his mission of
asking other kids how old they are until he finds a ten-year-
old.
The rain has stopped for the evening and the cool dusk air
is rich with the smell of moisture, leaves, and fall. Our son
is adorable as he slightly awkwardly approaches kids
bombarding them with "how old are you?" as they
attempted to walk past. It’s a sweet, tender moment and
life is good.
And then Iron Man shows up. A little boy in costume
walks by us next to his mother. In response to Zaim's
standard question, the little boy stops, turns and says he’s
four. Then his mother, who notices that Zaim has no bucket
of candy and her son has a full bucket of candy says,
"Honey, let's give him some candy."
Uh oh. We weren't prepared for this moment. "No, that's
OK," I reply with a smile. It’s fairly obvious that little Iron
Man was in agreement with me on this point. His long
pause conveyed his thoughts: Yeah, what that guy said. No
to giving out candy. But his mom took my "no thanks" as
some form of politeness and insisted. "Derek, give him a
piece of candy. Just one."
In that moment, nice guy programming took over and I
stood silently as Iron Man picked out a cherry lollipop to
give to Zaim. We thanked them as they walked off. Zaim
promptly unwrapped the sweet treat and marveled at the
bright red color.
It was 6:20 pm, just 40 minutes before bedtime. The most
sub-optimal time to introduce a sugar smash. So we had
him smell it, which turned into rubbing it on his lips, which
turned into "I want to eat this so bad it hurts." But we
didn't let him. And he cried. And I held him as he asked me
why he couldn't eat it.
It was humorously, heart wrenchingly tragic. Now,
regardless of whether you agree with my stance on candy
for almost-three-year-olds, this whole experience could
have been avoided.
What stopped me from more firmly refusing the candy?
Being too nice. Because in my mind, if I said in a clear and
friendly tone, "No thanks, we're OK. We don't eat candy,"
then this woman would feel judged for letting her kid eat
candy. I didn’t want her to feel bad, or to judge me for
being weird or uppity. So I said nothing.
Forget that. In my fantasy re-do, I simply tell her that we
don't want it. If she has feelings about it, that's OK. It's
quite likely she might not even think twice about it if we’d
refused. I'll never know. But I do know that in the future I
will be clearer about saying no, even if it's a little
uncomfortable.
I GOTTA GO
I was standing outside at 11 pm in the humid air of Boca
Raton, Florida. A man I just met earlier that day was telling
me an in-depth story about his marriage, and how he was
going to end it when he got home. I was tired, weak in my
body, mildly feverish, and not engaged. How did I get here?
I was at a Tony Robbins’ seminar called Date With
Destiny. We were on day 5 of 6 and I had fallen hard with a
cold, or flu, or whichever (I never really knew the
difference). All I knew is I felt physically awful.
This seminar inspires people to examine their lives and
make big decisions about who they want to be and the
future they want to create for themselves. It’s a powerful
experience and helps me grow as a man, a husband and
father, and makes me better able to serve my clients.
It also stirs up quite a bit in people, especially those who
are living lives they know are not right for them, such as
being in the wrong career, wrong relationship, or eating
the wrong diet. It agitates you and inspires you to take
action to make things better, or make drastic changes,
instead of settling. All good stuff.
Except for this conversation with Antonio. We had done
some sharing in a small group earlier that day, where I had
first heard about his struggles in his relationship. As we
were walking out of the seminar room for a quick break at
a 11 pm, before we returned for the last segment that
would likely go until 2 am, Antonio approached me and
said, “So what do you think about my situation? Do you
have any advice for me?”
If I were being 100% me, completely free to say and do
whatever I wanted, able to fully take care of myself in that
situation, I would have said, “Hey Antonio! I appreciate you
asking me, man. At the moment I’m actually feeling pretty
lousy and my energy is very low. I’m going to take a few
minutes just to rest and reflect.” Even now as I write,
several months later, I feel a sense of retroactive relief.
Ahhh. Freedom feels good.
But, that’s not what I did. What? Aren’t you the guy
writing the book on not being nice? Ha, I appreciate the
irony. But we teach what we need to reinforce most, and I
am always learning and growing and pushing my own edge,
just like you.
He had seemed somewhat lost when describing his
situation earlier that day. I had also noticed a strong,
pleasing, approval-seeking energy coming from him when
interacting with me and others in the group, especially the
women. So when he asked for my input, I decided to try to
help him for several minutes, then take a few minutes to
rest. Win, win.
What I didn’t anticipate, however, was his level of need in
that moment. It was less so for input, and more to simply
share his experience. He wanted to have someone witness
and see his struggle, the pain he was in, how he had been
managing it, areas he felt guilty, why he was angry, and all
the rest. It was a big deal. He was going to leave a
marriage of seven years and they had one small child
together. Of course, he’s going to have lots of feelings he’s
going to need to explore, feel, share with others, and work
through.
But I wasn’t up for that on that particular night. So after
about ten minutes of conversation (mostly me listening and
giving him attention), I made my clear and decisive escape.
“Antonio,” I said, interrupting him to create a pause in his
speaking, “I admire the courage it takes to do what you’re
doing. You are a thoughtful man and a good person. I know
you’ll get through this to the other side... but at the
moment I need to take a few minutes to rest and take care
of myself. I’ll see you back in the room.”
Immediately upon saying that, I initiated a good strong
hug, and promptly moved away, eliminating the possibility
of continuing the conversation. I walked through the warm
night air for several minutes, breathing, feeling my body,
noticing the wind blowing the palm trees above my head
against the jet-black sky. I consciously let go of any energy
of his I may have taken on. I also checked to see if there
was any guilt about ending the conversation, about not
doing whatever I could to help someone who was clearly
wanting and hoping for my attention, support, and
guidance. To my delight, there was none. I knew it was OK
for me to do what I wanted and needed. And I knew if he
wanted support there were other people there who would
be excited to offer that.
This is yet another example of the subtle and simple
power of being less nice and more you. As you read this
story, you may think it’s no big deal. You may have no
problems interrupting, directing, or leaving conversations
quickly and easily. Or, if you’ve found yourself stuck in
conversations, giving when you’d rather not, unsure of how
to break free, and then feeling impatient and irritable
afterwards, this story might be the very thing that gives
you permission and sets you free.
THE KEYCHAIN
It was late September and I was in Carmel, California, for
the wedding of my best friend from childhood. I was
outside with several of the groomsmen, who all happened
to be guys I went to high school with. I loved each of them,
and had so many fond memories of being together. My
social anxiety was at its peak in high school and college,
and the only place I felt relaxed and comfortable during
those years was with my brother and these friends. They
were like family to me and I love all of them.
As we’re waiting around for the rehearsal, my friend
Eddie approaches me and the groom’s brother, Matt.
“Hey!” He says, enthusiastically. “I have something for
you.”
He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small
rectangular object and hands it to me. I take it in my
fingers, unsure of what it is. Upon a closer look, I instantly
recognize it. It’s a key chain with an image inside. It was a
keepsake from a punk show we went to in high school.
There on the small, blown out image, underneath the
scratched plastic of the key chain, you could see me, Eddie,
Chris (the groom), and his brother JC, all wearing white t-
shirts and strikingly similar sunglasses, smiling in the
bright sun.
“Wow, haha!” I said. “I remember this. The Warped Tour in
Santa Barbara. We saw NOFX there. It was awesome.”
I paused for a moment, reminiscing about the sweet
memory. Then handed the keychain back to Eddie.
“That’s cool, thanks for showing that to me.”
“No, it’s for you,” Eddie said. “You can keep it.”
“No thanks,” I replied without hesitation. My tone was
warm and friendly.
 Eddie took it back, paused for a minute, and then turned
towards Matt.
“You want this?” he asked.
“Sure!” Matt said, seemingly excited to get the nostalgic
item.
I was telling this story a few days later to a client, who
happened to have a huge fear of saying no to anyone, for
any reason.
“Why didn’t you just take it?” she asked. “You could
always have just gotten rid of it later. That way you
wouldn’t have offended him.”
“I’m not sure I actually offended him,” I said. “He didn’t
seem too perturbed. Besides, my goal is to be authentic and
say yes when I want to say yes, and no when I want to say
no.”
“Yes, but why didn’t you want it?” she pressed.
“We had just moved earlier that year and I had a goal of
getting rid of fifty percent of our belongings. I feel better
owning fewer things and having more open space. I don’t
really keep drawers of items and keepsakes and such.”
“Why didn’t you tell him that?” she asked.
“I would have, if he had asked or seemed significantly
hurt or upset. But often times saying no can just be a
simple exchange of information and no one’s feelings are
hurt. Hence, no explanation is needed.”
YOU TALK TOO MUCH
Yesterday morning I was at the gym, working out with a
good friend of mine who’s also my personal trainer. He’s
managing several clients while I’m there, so we get a few
short conversations in when he comes to check on me.
This particular morning, I was lit up. I was feeling
energized and excited about life. My body felt good, I had
recently broken through yet another “injury” in my
shoulder (which turned out just to be suppressed emotion).
This last breakthrough further strengthened my confidence
in my body, and in my ability to work out, get strong, and
have the energy I wanted without pain or fear of pain. It
was awesome.
I was also reading some fascinating books, learning and
growing a ton, and just feeling on my game. As usual, we
chatted a few times, he shared something he learned from
a podcast, and I shared some recent insights I’d had. What
was different about this morning is I talked more. I shared
a couple extra stories. In one moment, when we both were
about to say something at the same time, I kept going to
share what I wanted.
In that very moment, I had the thought: he didn’t like that
I kept talking. He wants to talk more and wants me to listen.
I’m talking too much. This is not a new thought, it’s
something that I’ve experienced for a long time. When I
was younger, I would sometimes leave a friend’s house,
having had an amazing night of talking, laughing, drinking,
and feeling really connected. But then when I got home
that night, or the next morning, that thought about talking
too much would creep back into my mind. I’d start to feel
self-conscious and bad about myself. I would sometimes
convince myself that my friends didn’t really like me,
because they were annoyed by how much I talked that
night.
The crazy thing is I didn’t even talk that much all the
time. Just on days where I felt particularly jazzed up or
excited. And yet, the programming to speak less, be quiet,
and be nice is strong in me.
On this particular instance with Josh, I noticed the
thought and simply dismissed it. No, I thought, it’s OK for
me to be excited and talk more sometimes. He seemed very
engaged, so he may have liked it. And if he didn’t, that’s OK.
We have lots of time together and sometimes he may be a
little annoyed. How’s that for boundaries, huh? Victory!
With this claiming of my value and refusing to turn on
myself, I let it go and didn’t give it any more thought that
day. Then I got a text from Josh later that afternoon.
“Love seeing you all the time my man, and I love seeing
you step up and play big. Proud of you, and stoked for all
the things you are bringing forth!”
When I read it, I laughed out loud. The message was
heartfelt and loving, which felt great. But what made me
laugh was seeing how absolutely dead wrong that critic in
our minds can be. The day I am the most energized,
passionate, and talkative is the day my friend says he loves
being around me.
This one is so powerful it’s worth slowing down to really
take in. Is it possible that when your mind tells you that you
talk too much, that you’re not interesting enough, that
others don’t like this or that about you, that it’s completely,
100% the opposite? Is it possible that the more you freely
let yourself out, with your energy, enthusiasm, passion for
whatever lights you up, that others love being around you
and want more?
PLAY DOCTOR WITH ME
Zaim, my three-year-old son, loves to play doctor with his
daddy. The game has a set script that he wants to follow
each time:
First, Teddy is the patient. He has been massively
wounded by Scodger Digit, the giant pretend purple T-Rex
who only hurts stuffed animals (not real animals, obviously,
because he’s pretend).
Teddy is transported to the doctor by another stuffed
animal who has a car. Zaim has to ask the animal how many
people he can hold in his car. If it’s a lot, he exclaims,
“Wow! That’s a lot!”
When Teddy arrives to the doctor’s office, Zaim says to
Dr. T-Rex, “I have something to tell you…” pausing for
dramatic effect. Then he exclaims, “Scodger Digit!!”
Upon hearing the name of his nemesis rival, Dr. T-Rex
goes into a rage. He hates how Scodger Digit is giving T-
Rex a bad reputation everywhere since he’s a doctor trying
to help people out (see how elaborate this game gets?).
In any case, it goes on from there, with a very specific
sequence of healing the patient, poking him, operating on
him while he’s awake with no anesthesia, and then doing it
again with another patient. Or it can just devolve into
Teddy and T-Rex fighting each other with the medical tools.
Sounds sweet, doesn’t it? It is. It’s an adorable little game
and a great way to bond with my little boy. And it has
happened about 785 times so far.
The problem is not the game. It’s that I felt that I had to
say “yes” whenever he asked me. This pressure came from
my internal desire to be a “good dad.” I remember how
much I longed for my dad to slow down and pay full
attention to me when I was a boy. I remember how much I
loved playing games with him, including chess and other
strategy games.
I also read a story in a parenting book by Jon Kabat-Zinn,
the well-known mindfulness teacher, which encouraged
parents to be patient with the repetition that children
crave. In his book, Everyday Blessings, he shares a story
about reading Jack and the Beanstalk to his son over and
over again. By shifting his focus and becoming even more
present he was able to keep repeating the story and enjoy
being with his son. It was inspiring and sweet. And for me
it wasn’t working so well.
Instead of feeling everyday-blessed I was feeling
everyday-trapped. Remember the Resentment Formula
from the “Be More Selfish” chapter? That’s what was
happening to me. I didn’t want to play doctor, but I would
say yes, and then I would feel irritated and unhappy. Then I
would force myself to be in the moment and try to enjoy
myself. Sometimes I would try to add new elements to
change the script, but that was met with fierce resistance.
So, I went through the same routine again and again.
Miserable.
And then, I had an idea... I could just say “no.”
What?! Crazy, I know. But how about that?
Instead of agreeing to play doctor when I didn’t want to, I
could simply say no. And since I still wanted to play with
Zaim, I could simply offer to do something else. That
evening, when I walked into the house after work and Zaim
ran up to me shouting, “Daddeeeeee! Play doctor with me!”
I simply said, “No... Hey, let’s play the knock down game
instead!”
“Ok!” he said, seemingly unfazed by the rejection of his
request. He was into the knock-down game as well.
So simple. It may sound stupid-obvious from the outside.
But all throughout the day there are little things we feel
like we “have” to do for some reason. We don’t want to
disappoint, or upset, or hurt someone. We think saying no
or asking for something makes us pushy, stubborn,
unhelpful, or the old vague favorite: “bad.”
Find the places in your life where you can make simple
shifts just like this one. Pay attention to the resistance and
resentment you feel; it’s guiding you towards exactly what
would serve you best. Then, you simply have to claim it.
IS THAT A NICE WAY OF SAYING NO?
As I’ve practiced being less nice and more real, my emails
have become more direct and clear. Here is an example of
me communicating with a colleague with whom I have an
acquaintance-level relationship. I’ve interviewed her for my
podcast and she provided me some assistance with one of
my books. We have not spent time together socially, and
don’t know each other very well.
A few weeks back she sent me this email. I’ve shortened it
to remove any identifying information.
Hi Aziz!
How are ya? I hope all is well--the last time we emailed was about your book.
How did it go!? I am not sure if I told you, but my book is FINALLY done.
Since you just went through it I was wondering if you had any insights into
the best outlets / tactics for selling books--any words of wisdom?
Anyways, I just figured you would have some good ideas AND I don't think I
had updated you on everything = )
Cheers,
 Captain Awesome
(Captain awesome is not how she signed her email. That’s
my own edit).
She seemed excited and I wanted to help her out. I know
a little about book launches and promotions, but I have a
friend who is a wizard at it. So I decided to offer a chance
for the three of us to pow-wow on how to help her book
crush it:
Hey Captain Awesome,
Congrats on completing your book! That must feel awesome
Checking out the book page on Amazon, I see it’s 300+ pages. Beast. It looks
really good and has a great cover.
As far as selling books, I have a few ideas. And, I happen to know a ninja
master who is my Amazon (and other outlet) book selling guru.
His name is Patrick King - do you know him? He writes a ton about social
dynamics, relationships, conversations, confidence, etc.
Here’s my Brilliant Idea:
The three of us get on a conference call or zoom meeting and talk strategy
for your new book. Some of your marketing plan is probably already set
because you have a publisher. But I’m guessing there’s still a lot on you as far
as promotion. I have some ideas, and Patrick will have some (better) ideas.
I already ran it by him and he’s into it. If this sounds good to you, let me
know and we’ll all figure out at time that works in our schedules.
You see? brilliant. That’s why they call me Wile E. Coyote: Super Genius.
Best,
 Aziz
These last two emails were just set up. This is where it
gets really interesting. Here is how she responded to my
invitation:
Hey Aziz!
Oh my goodness you are far too kind! I do not want to take up that much of
your time -- I was just pinging for any insights since you had just gone through
it. I also feel so bad asking for free advice from consultants -- I always then feel
beholden to hire them (and I just hired a book PR person!) As always, you are
so generous, any little tidbits would be so appreciated, I don't want to make
y'all get on a call!
Cheers,
 Captain Awesome
When I first read this, I could see that she was declining
the invitation, which is fine. But then I started to wonder,
does she think there’s some obligation in the help I’m
offering? Does she want the assistance, but is she being
nice and not wanting to be “selfish”?
In the past, I’d probably leave it and just send a friendly
email over with a few tips. In the past I would have been
nice back. But instead I decided to be real:
Hey Captain Awesome,
Hmm, ok. Let me see if I can clarify a little.
I am not a marketing consultant and neither is Patrick. He’s a full-time
author and I… well I do all kinds of things : )
In any case, my intention is to serve you and build a relationship. No
obligation, no expectation. I’ve found that building strong relationships with
other inspiring people in my field is rewarding and makes life more fun. You are
one of those people.
I know Patrick feels similarly. In fact, we have casually discussed creating a
Private Facebook group for people who are successfully running businesses in
the confidence / communication / personal growth space. A way to learn from
each other and continue to reach and serve more people.
So, if you’d like to meet via phone, I think you’d get a lot more info than some
tips via email, and it could be fun and exciting.
I’m not sure if your response is not wanting to impose or perhaps a nice way
of saying no? If it’s the latter, that's ok to. I respect you being able to say no
and decide what’s right for you.
Let me know either way.
Best,
 Aziz
P.S. If you’re doing a promo tour for your book and want to do an interview
for my podcast, we could promote it on there. We have about 30-35,000
downloads per month now.
Before sending the email, I re-read it to make sure it
captured my authentic response. I wanted to clarify that it
was a gift offered freely and point out that a phone meeting
would provide much more value for her. That paragraph
towards the end about her response being a nice way of
saying no was something I was genuinely curious about.
And it felt edgy for me to ask so directly.
I pressed send. There, I thought. That’s me being
authentic and not being so nice. Great job, Aziz. Practicing
what you preach. So far so good, until... the creeping dread
started to ooze its way under the door into my psyche.
Geez, that was awfully direct. You sound pissed off. She’s
going to think that you felt rejected and then got all huffy
and pissed off about it. She’s not going to want to speak
with you after this. You totally ruined that connection. Way
too direct.
I reminded myself that I want to live in a world where
I am more bold than nice. Where I express my authentic
responses and ask real questions, even if it’s
uncomfortable. And then I moved on with my life.
Several days later I received this email:
Thanks Aziz! I am very grateful--I think really, really honestly it is because I
dread phone conversations. LOL. As a recovering awkward person I LOVE my
email [safe]. Anyways, I am about to leave on a 2 week media tour so I do not
want to clog your inbox. If you think of anything ping it my way!
Cheers,
 Captain Awesome
Fair enough. So it was a nice way of saying no. As is
almost always the case, my fears about the terrible
reactions and the End Times that will come from me being
more direct do not happen. Instead, she revealed more and
there seemed to be no hard feelings. I sent her a few tips
via email and that was that.
Each and every day we have dozens of opportunities to
make a bold move and be more direct, more authentic, and
a little less nice. Any time it’s outside of your comfort zone,
you may experience some internal freak-out after doing so,
but remember, that’s to be expected. It’s a sign you are
taking risks and being yourself, which only brings about
good things in the long run.
MAN, I’M TOO NICE…
My dad and I finished our meal at a delicious Mexican
restaurant called La Bonita in Portland. He was visiting for
a few days and we decided to get some lunch together so
we could catch up, since having extended conversations
around the dinner table with two toddlers is a virtual
impossibility. Winter was ending and it was the first warm,
dry day in weeks. I had a fantastic time with my dad.
As we were getting up to leave, I brought our dishes over
to the self-bussing area (it’s a Portland thing). He went to
go use the bathroom. Right outside the bathroom door,
there was a young woman who was hunched over, fiddling
with a key. The door was wide open and she was apparently
trying to get the key out of the lock.
“Are you using the bathroom?” my dad asked as he
approached her.
“I’m just trying to figure out how to get this key out,” she
replied.
Just as she said that, she apparently succeeded, as the
small key attached to an oversized serving spoon came
loose. At the same moment she was doing that, my dad
walked into the bathroom and closed the door, assuming
she was on her way out.
It all happened very quickly, and I wasn’t too focused on
the matter. But then I heard someone sitting nearby, who
had witnessed the entire exchange, call out to the young
woman, “There’s another bathroom in the back!”
To which she replied, “Thanks. Man, I’m too nice.”
Apparently, she had just struggled with the key and held
the door wide open for my dad to use the bathroom.
Instead of telling him when he asked, “Yes, I’m about to use
this bathroom,” she gave a vague response instead. Too
nice indeed...
BUT HE’LL BE UPSET!
Remember back in the Say No chapter when I gave you five
tips on how to say no? Well, one of those tips was to say no
early. When you know that you don’t want to do something,
if you stall or delay out of politeness, it just gets worse later
on. That’s exactly what I did.
A man who works as a coach reached out to me to
interview me for his podcast. I get a lot of requests for this
and sometimes I say yes, sometimes I say no, depending on
my project schedule, and if I am drawn to the person and
the work they’re doing in the world.
With this particular request, I didn’t really want to do it. I
couldn’t exactly say why, but I didn’t fully trust my
instincts, so I told my assistant to give him a nice-guy “no.”
Which was to say, “We’re all booked up for the next four
months, let’s check back then.”
Well, sure enough, four months later he emailed again.
And I still didn’t want to do it, but I already brushed him off
once, so I had her send him my calendar link. We went back
and forth with timing and rescheduling, and then finally he
got something booked for a few weeks out.
Every time I looked at my calendar and saw that
interview, I felt a sense of aversion. I didn’t know why. I just
didn’t want to do it.
Meanwhile, I was writing this damn book about saying no,
not being nice, and saying no to things that aren’t a hell yes
for you. Lousy book, making me not be a hypocrite.
Actually, it was a beautiful blessing, and writing this only
strengthens my commitment to take care of myself and not
live life as a frightened nice guy.
So, I told my assistant in a morning meeting that I was
going to cancel his appointment.
 “What?” she exclaimed. “Oh, he’s going to hate us.”
“Possibly,” I said. “But I really don’t want to do it. And I
have to honor that. There are many other people he can
interview. I’ll send him an email personally, being honest
and vulnerable.”
And so I did:
Hi XXXX,
I hope this email finds you well. I know Jenee has been in touch with you
regarding scheduling an interview.
Part of me growing my business and reaching more people has been to learn
about managing my time.
I have been realizing this last month that I actually have a tendency to say
yes to too many things and over-commit myself, leaving less energy and time
for clients, projects, taking care of myself, and family.
As a result, I am scaling way back on the commitments I’m making to do
interviews and other things.
For this reason, I am going to cancel our upcoming interview. My apologies
for the long delay. It’s taking me some time to learn how to properly manage
my time.
I wish you all the best in your work, and know you are doing great things to
help people.
With love,
Aziz
There, I’d done it. I’d said no when I wanted to. Good for
me. I felt surprisingly relaxed and calm sending that. In the
past, I would have either just done the interview or said no
but felt absolutely freaked out and guilty afterwards. I was
giving myself a pat on the back later that day when I got
this provocative response.
Hi Aziz
Thanks for letting me know.
I can relate with scaling back as I too have been taking on too much lately.
Like you I am giving more time to myself.
Here's the thing though. I am now left with a big hole for this month's
interview series. Worse, I have told my readers, my list, my family, nearly
everyone I know I'm interviewing you. They are going to think one of two
things: I'm a big fat liar or you're a complete asshole. Either way, it doesn't look
good for both of us.
So I'd like to suggest I email you 8-10 questions and you email me back your
responses. I don't need the answers until the 28th of this month so you have
plenty of time to fulfill your commitment.
I'll be in touch soon with the questions.
 Regards

XXXX
That’s when the feelings came in. My first response
wasn’t guilt, it was anger. I was responsible for his
interview series? But he was the one who bounced it back
and rescheduled it most recently. I made a commitment and
he feels entitled that I answer 8-10 email questions? That
will take way longer than the interview! Implying that I’m
an asshole if I say no? Grrr!
So, I took a step back and just felt my breath. I tuned into
my heart and found the fear and guilt underneath the
anger.
I should do it. I said I would do it. I should just do it and
make it short and get it over with.
But then I felt something deeper. A commitment to live
life on my terms. To move towards what enlivens me and
away from that which doesn’t serve me, even if I can’t
rationally explain it, even if it makes others upset
sometimes.
Once I reconnected to myself, I was less triggered. I was
also clear that I would not participate, since I did not owe
him anything. This was a free interview I was giving to help
him grow his business and audience.
So, I responded with compassion and brevity. I’ve often
found that less explanation is better.
Hi XXXX,
I’m flattered that you have shared with so many people : )
Unfortunately, I will not be able to answer those questions via email.
I’m sorry you feel concerned about how people will respond. My sense is that
if you tell them the truth and are vulnerable, they will still like, love, and
appreciate you.
I wish you all the best,
Aziz
 Maybe he’ll dislike that response. Maybe he’ll think I’m
patronizing or condescending to him. Maybe he’ll tell all his
friends, family, and fans that I’m a complete asshole. That’s
OK. I feel at peace, and I feel respect and love for him. I
want the best for him. And I am not responsible for how he
sees me, and how he manages his feelings.
TOO SOON
A little while back I began working with an amazing tech
team that helps people build complex online courses. I was
creating my opus of a program, Confidence University, and
I wanted it to be the most dynamic, engaging, and effective
program it could possibly be.
To make this happen, I sought the guidance of a
consultant who specialized in creating these kinds of
courses. I purchased his online training program and found
it very informative. I told him so, and we decided to work
together on Confidence University, with his team managing
all the back-end technology.
We had our first few meetings scheduled and I was
buzzing with excitement. This program was going to be so
powerful and was going to be able to reach so many people.
Until then, I often had to turn people away who couldn’t fly
out to attend one of my live events or be in my ongoing
Mastermind program. My other online training programs
were not responsive or interactive at all, so it didn’t
capture the highly effective element of engagement and
accountability that made coaching so effective.
But Confidence University was going to have all of that,
and be accessible anywhere in the world. It was going to be
a key step in me carrying out my mission to eradicate social
anxiety and instill confidence all over the world.
Our first meeting went great, and he helped me make
some key decisions about how to structure the program. I
began laying out the material, eagerly anticipating our next
meeting. Then I received this email:
Hi Aziz,
I'll be back in New York at the beginning of the week. I am currently at
infusion con and I'm speaking at Memberuim on Friday.
I do have one favor to ask you. Would you mind shooting a quick testimonial
for me?
 Actually let's push the limits lol
Can you shoot two short ones?
One about the course and one about the value you've gotten from our
strategic calls.
That would be amazing and thank you very much
Sincerely,

M
My initial reaction was one of surprise. A video
testimonial? We had barely started working together. I
enjoyed our initial meetings and had benefited from his
course, but we had barely gotten started. The main project
of Confidence University wasn’t even underway, and I had
no idea what it would be like to work with this tech team. It
was a clear no for me.
But then… Enter the voice of the approval seeker: What if
I say no and he gets upset with me? What if it manifests as
him not giving me his knowledge, or secretly sabotaging our
project together? What if he’s mad at me?
“Feh!” I said, waving my hand through the air. Enough of
that nonsense. I opened up my computer and sent this
email:
Hey Mike,
I like the bold ask. A bit too soon.
I appreciate the beginning of working together here, but don’t feel ready to
offer official feedback yet.
I’ll finish putting together the course plan, then we’ll get together and figure
out the scope of work and discuss moving forward.
If all goes well, and I love our work together, I will be more than happy to
shoot some testimonials.
Thanks,
Aziz

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Dr. Aziz is a psychologist, author, and coach who is
internationally known as the world’s leading expert on
confidence. Through his coaching, books, videos, and
online media, he has helped thousands of people break
through shyness, social anxiety, and self-doubt to create
richer, happier, more confident lives.
What is most remarkable about Dr. Aziz is his own
personal struggle with self-doubt and social anxiety. After
reaching a low point in his own life, he made a powerful
decision to do whatever it would take to get the confidence
he always wanted. This lead to a passionate pursuit of
studying confidence from every source, including books,
audio programs, seminars, and a doctorate degree in
clinical psychology from Stanford and Palo Alto
Universities.
Dr. Aziz is the author of the best-selling books, The
Solution To Social Anxiety and The Art of Extraordinary
Confidence, as well as over a dozen e-books, including 5
Steps To Unleash Your Inner Confidence. He is the host of
the podcast Shrink for The Shy Guy and the YouTube show,
“The Art of Extraordinary Confidence.” Dr. Aziz is most
passionate about his direct work with individuals and
groups in coaching programs and weekend seminars. To
find out more about all of the resources Dr. Aziz offers, go
to SocialConfidenceCenter.com.
Dr. Aziz lives in Portland, Oregon with his wife and two
boys. To find out more about his personal story and
inspiring journey to confidence, visit the “About” section of
the website listed above.

ADDITIONAL RESOURCES
BOOKS:

5 Steps to Unleash Your Inner

Confidence
This e-book contains powerful and proven techniques used
by the world’s top psychologists and coaches to help you
overcome your fears and self-doubts. Whatever area your
lack of confidence is impacting, this e-book can help you. It
gives you the basic tools and strategies you need to start
mastering your confidence today.
To download your free copy today,
go to http://SocialConfidenceCenter.com
The Solution to Social Anxiety
In this inspiring, breakthrough book, Dr. Aziz guides you on
the path out of social anxiety into lasting confidence. You
will discover why you feel anxious around others, and the
exact steps you need to take to develop social confidence in
all areas of your life.
To get your copy today, visit
http://SocialAnxietySolution.com
The Art of Extraordinary Confidence
This book playfully and ruthlessly sheds through the
stories, excuses, and self-doubt that holds you back,
showing you the core reason you aren’t taking bold action
in life: fear. Dr. Aziz expertly guides you through any fear
that is in your path so that you can live with more boldness,
power, confidence, and freedom.
To learn more about this book, visit:
http://SocialConfidenceCenter.com
CONFIDENCE TRAINING PROGRAMS:
The Confidence Unleashed System
In Dr. Aziz’s complete confidence system you will discover
the world’s most powerful tools for overcoming fear and
anxiety, eliminating self-doubt, and taking bold action in the
world. Discover how to boldly speak up at work, confidently
approach attractive strangers, and be the most powerful
and confident version of yourself in dating, business, and
your social life.
To learn more,
visit http://ConfidenceUnleashedNow.com
The Confidence Code
In this program, you will discover exactly how to unlock
your social skills and conversation mastery. Learn how to
feel relaxed talking with anyone, always know what to say
next, create engaging and memorable conversations, and
join group conversations. The more you master
conversations, the more successful you can become.
To learn more, visit http://YourConfidenceCode.com

30 Days to Dating Mastery

This step-by-step program will help you take you from
feeling stuck and shy with women to a place of bold
confidence and freedom. Through daily Strategy Sessions
you will discover how to see yourself as attractive,
overcome approach anxiety, confidently ask women out and
get dates, and really enjoy dating and connecting with
women. Each day you have a specific mission which helps
you take action and rapidly build confidence so you can
start getting dates and find attract the woman you’ve
always wanted.
To learn more,
visit http://30DaysToDatingMastery.com
COACHING PROGRAMS AND LIVE
SEMINARS:
Unstoppable Confidence Mastermind Program
This is an exclusive 1-year program that is limited to a
small number of people. It includes weekly group coaching
calls with Dr. Aziz, Mastermind retreats, access to Dr.
Aziz’s Confidence Library, and VIP passes to all his live
seminars.
To learn more, visit
http://ConfidenceUnleashedNow.com/mastermind
Supremely Confident Conversation Master Weekend
Intensive
In this 3-day event you will master your ability to
comfortably and confidently talk with anyone. You will
discover how to easily start conversations with anyone in a
completely relaxed way, always know what to say next to
keep the conversation going, and become more dynamic,
charismatic, and engaging. Most importantly, you will learn
how to comfortably be your authentic self so you can enjoy
connecting with others at work, in dating, relationships,
and life.
To learn more, visit
http://SocialConfidenceCenter.com/Events Unlimited
Dating & Relationship Confidence
In this 3-day immersion event, join with Dr. Aziz to radically
increase your confidence in your love life. Through
exercises, coaching, and taking action in the world, you will
discover how to let go of any fears that block you from
approaching those you find attractive, initiating
relationships, and deeply connecting with others. You will
also learn how to create fun, exciting, and deeply fulfilling
relationships by being your most authentic self.
To learn more, visit
http://SocialConfidenceCenter.com/Events The Ultimate
Confidence Breakthrough Weekend Intensive
Join Dr. Aziz in a life-changing 3-day LIVE event where you
will discover how to instantly activate feelings of power and
confidence so you can handle any situation in your life. You
will also learn how to rapidly eliminate fear, social anxiety,
and self-doubt so you feel comfortable in your own skin no
matter what, and finally stop worrying about what others
think of you once and for all. People leave this event feeling
more bold, free, and powerful than ever before.
To learn more, visit
http://SocialConfidenceCenter.com/Events