Godly Marriage

Growing a Godly Marriage
and Raising Godly Children
by David E. Pratte
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Growing a Godly Marriage
and Raising Godly Children
© Copyright David E. Pratte, 1999, 2008, 2010, 2013

All rights reserved
ISBN-13: 978-1492359425
ISBN-10: 1492359424
Note carefully: No teaching in any of our materials is

intended or should ever be construed to justify or to in any
way incite or encourage personal vengeance or physical
violence against any person.
“He who glories, let him glory in the Lord”

– 1 Corinthians 1:31
Cover photo: Jason Hutchens

licensed under Creative Commons Generic License
Other Acknowledgements
Unless otherwise indicated, Scripture quotations are generally from the
New King James Version (NKJV), copyright 1982, 1988 by Thomas Nelson,
Inc. used by permission. All rights reserved.
Scripture quotations marked (NASB) are from Holy Bible, New
American Standard La Habra, CA: The Lockman Foundation, 1995.
Scripture quotations marked (ESV) are from The Holy Bible, English
Standard Version, copyright ©2001 by Crossway Bibles, a publishing
ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved.
Scripture quotations marked (MLV) are from Modern Literal Version
of The New Testament, Copyright 1999 by G. Allen Walker.
Scripture quotations marked (RSV) are from the Revised Standard
Version of the Bible, copyright 1952 by the Division of Christian Education,
National Council of the Churches of Christ in the United States of America.
Scripture quotations marked (NIV) are from the New International
Version of the Holy Bible, copyright 1978 by Zondervan Bible publishers,
Grand Rapids, Michigan.
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Other Books by the Author
Topical Bible Studies
Growing a Godly Marriage & Raising Godly Children
Why Believe in God, Jesus, and the Bible? (evidences)
The God of the Bible (study of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit)
Grace, Faith, and Obedience: The Gospel or Calvinism?
Kingdom of Christ: Future Millennium or Present Spiritual Reign?
Do Not Sin Against the Child: Abortion, Unborn Life, & the Bible
True Words of God: Bible Inspiration and Preservation
Commentaries on Bible Books
Genesis Gospel of Mark
Joshua and Ruth Gospel of John
Judges Acts
1 Samuel Romans
Ezra, Nehemiah, and Esther Ephesians
Job Philippians and Colossians
Proverbs Hebrews
1 & 2 Peter
Bible Question Class Books
Genesis Gospel of John
Joshua and Ruth Acts
Judges Romans
1 Samuel 1 Corinthians
Ezra, Nehemiah, and Esther 2 Corinthians and Galatians
Job Ephesians and Philippians
Proverbs Colossians, 1&2 Thessalonians
Ecclesiastes 1 & 2 Timothy, Titus, Philemon
Isaiah Hebrews
Gospel of Matthew General Epistles (James – Jude)
Gospel of Mark Revelation
Gospel of Luke
Workbooks with Study Notes
Jesus Is Lord: Workbook on the Fundamentals of the Gospel of Christ
Following Jesus: Workbook on Discipleship
God’s Eternal Purpose in Christ: Workbook on the Theme of the Bible
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Table of Contents
Marriage Preparation and Improvement ............................. 7
The Role of Religion ........................................................................ 9
The Purpose of Marriage ............................................................... 17
The Permanence of Marriage ........................................................ 19
Maturity and Knowing One Another............................................ 21
Loving One Another ...................................................................... 27
Responsibility, Honesty, and Self-Control .................................... 36
Friends and In-Laws ..................................................................... 42
Roles of Husband and Wife........................................................... 45
Sexual Purity ................................................................................. 50
Solving Marriage Conflict ............................................. 57
Trust in God .................................................................................. 58
Respect God’s Pattern for Marriage. ............................................ 61
Express Appreciation and Praise for What Is Good. ..................... 63
Act in Love. ................................................................................... 65
Discuss the Problem...................................................................... 69
Be Reconciled ................................................................................ 74
Seven Keys to Raising Godly Children .......................... 81
Key #1: Purpose ............................................................................84
Key #2: Planning...........................................................................90
Key #3: Love ............................................................................... 101
Key #4: Instruction ...................................................................... 111
Key #5: Authority (Control) ......................................................... 121
Key #6: Motivation: Punishments and Rewards ....................... 134
Key #7: Consistency ..................................................................... 151
(Due to printer reformatting, the above numbers may be off a page or two.)

Notes to the Reader
Unless otherwise indicated, Bible quotations are from the New King
James Version. Often - especially when I do not use quotations marks –
I am not quoting any translation but simply paraphrasing the passage in
my own words.
You may find that major topics of this material will repeat topics or
concepts covered elsewhere (such as love and authority). This serves to
emphasize these points and allows each major topic of study to be
complete of itself (so major sections can be studied independently).
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Marriage Preparation
and Improvement
Introduction
There is significant evidence that many marriages today are
troubled.
Many forces in society are undermining the Biblical concept of the
home.
* Divorce — Each year the number of divorces is about half the
number of marriages.
* Conflict and violence — Many families quarrel continually or
even become violent. Nearly 1/3 of all murders are committed between
family members.
* Fornication and sexual unfaithfulness — Premarital sex and
even extra-marital sex are commonly accepted.
* Rebellious and delinquent children — Many young people
rebel against the moral or religious standards taught them by their
parents.
* Confusion about authority and roles in the home — We
are told that it is old-fashioned for parents to insist that their children
obey them or to use physical punishment to motivate their children.
Society often opposes belief in separate roles for husbands and wives
(husband as breadwinner and family leader, and wife as homemaker).
It follows that a study of marriage should be valuable to
everyone.
* Couples who are engaged or seriously considering
marriage should appreciate guidance about how to have a good
marriage and how to determine whether or not they are suited for one
another.
* Individuals, who hope to marry someday and may be
looking for somebody, need to consider how to prepare for marriage and
how to choose a marriage partner.

* People who are already married need to consider how to
improve their marriage.
* Unmarried people – even if they never plan to marry -
can still profit from such a study, because they are surrounded by
married people who may need encouragement. As Christians, we should
all try to help other people understand God’s will for their homes.
The purpose of this study is to discuss a number of basic
principles to help people prepare for marriage or
improve marriage.
I do not profess to know all about marriage, but I believe God
understands marriage and has revealed the best plan for marriage. I
surely do not claim to have been a perfect husband or father. On the
contrary, I know many areas where I have failed or could have improved,
and my family can probably name other areas that I am not aware of. So,
the goal is to study what the Bible says about marriage, and perhaps
along the way I can help you avoid some of my mistakes.
Whether we seek to prepare for marriage or to improve our
marriage, here are important areas we need to consider:

The Role of Religion
Religion is important in the home in all of the following areas:

The Authority or Source of Guidance
Your Home Follows
Many people are confused about the proper way to conduct their
home life. What authority should your home follow?
People often follow human “authorities” to the harm of the
home.
Worldly marriage “experts” — many consult psychiatrists,
feminists, sex educators, civil government, etc. [1 Corinthians 1:19-21;
2:4,5; Proverbs 14:12]
Practices of society — we may follow the advice or example of
friends, neighbors, etc. [Romans 12:1,2; 2 Corinthians 10:12; Matthew
7:13,14]
Practices of our parents – people tend to act in their families
the way people around them acted as they grew up. [Matthew 10:34-37;
Acts 5:29]
Personal desires or desires of family members [Matt
16:24,25; 10:34-37]
We need not ignore all advice these sources give; they are not always
mistaken. But they are often wrong, and many problems in our homes
come from following such sources of information.
We need a better standard – a source of higher wisdom. Suppose we
had an infallible source of guidance. Shouldn’t we follow such a
standard, instead of these fallible human standards? If these human
guides disagree with our infallible source, shouldn’t we reject the human
standards and follow the infallible one?
The ultimate source of guidance in your home should be the
Bible.
Genesis 2:18-24 — God created marriage and the home from the
beginning. Since He created marriage, He knows the best way to conduct
it.

2 Timothy 3:16,17 — Scriptures are profitable to teach and instruct
us and provide us completely to all good works. Doesn’t that include the
good work of having a good marriage?
Isaiah 55:8,9 – But God’s wisdom is superior to that of man, like the
heavens are higher than the earth. This is true in every area, including
marriage.
Joshua 1:8 – We have success when we study God’s plan and do not
depart from it. Many claim to believe this regarding salvation, the
church, worship, etc. But do we likewise follow God’s plan for our
homes? [Matthew 15:9]
Psalm 127:1 — Except the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain
that build it.
We do not need to have so much confusion and uncertainty about
family affairs. The Bible is the word of God, and God is never wrong. If
you want a good marriage and a good home, you must follow the proper
guide.
[1 Thessalonians 2:13; 2 Peter 1:3; Acts 17:11]
The Main Goal for Our Homes
Too many families put too much emphasis on materialistic
goals.
Material possessions — Luke 12:15-21; 1 Timothy 6:9,10; 1 John
2:15-17
Pleasure — 2 Timothy 3:1-5; Hebrews 11:24-26
Popularity and social standing — John 12:42,43
Beauty and appearance — Proverbs 31:30; 1 Peter 3:3,4
Recreation and athletics — 1 Timothy 4:8
The most important goal our homes should seek to
accomplish is to serve God and to help one another
receive eternal life.
Genesis 18:19 — Abraham commanded his house to keep God’s
ways.
Joshua 24:15 — Joshua committed himself and his family to serve
God.
Malachi 2:15 – God seeks homes that result in godly offspring.
There are other important goals for our homes, such as love and
companionship and raising our children to be good citizens. But even if
a family has all these, it is still a failure if it does not accomplish the most
important goal. Too often families become so involved in pursuing other
less important goals that they neglect responsibilities to God.
In order to have proper home lives, service to God must be our main
focal point. Do not marry someone who does not view serving God as
their main goal in life.
[Matthew 6:33; Romans 12:1,2; 1 Corinthians 15:58]

The Importance of Worshiping God and Studying His Word
in our Homes
Our families should worship God together.
Genesis 2:18-24 — A man and his wive should be companions for
one another. If serving God is our most important goal in life, then
worship is one important area that we should share.
Joshua 24:15 — Joshua determined that he and his house would
serve the Lord. This is something the whole family together was
committed to doing.
John 4:23,24; Hebrews 10:24,25 — God wants His people to
worship Him, including attending church assemblies. If we are to help
one another serve Him, then we will do this together.
Young couples, from the very beginning of their relationship,
should determine to attend every meeting of the local church and take
advantage of other opportunities to worship. If someone is not
interested in worshiping God with you, what are the chances that you
can work with that person to help one another serve God?
If you want a good marriage and a good home, you must worship
God regularly together.
To be guided by God’s word, a family must study it together.
Hebrews 3:13 — Christians should exhort one another daily to stay
faithful. But helping one another serve God is the main goal of our
homes. We cannot possibly accomplish the most important purpose for
our marriage unless we daily study and discuss God’s word.
Genesis 18:19 — Abraham commanded his family to keep God’s
way.
Deuteronomy 6:6-9 — We should keep God’s words in our hearts,
teaching them diligently to our children, talking of them continually.
[Ephesians 6:4]
Young couples should study and discuss Bible subjects from the
beginning of their relationship. This helps you understand one another’s
beliefs, develops your Bible knowledge, and establishes a spiritual
foundation for your relationship. If someone is not comfortable or not
interested in studying the Bible with you, what are the chances he/she
will work with you to achieve the ultimate goal of serving God and going
to heaven?
If you want a good marriage and a good home, you must learn to
discuss God’s word together.
[1 Thessalonians 5:11; Acts 8:4; 10:24,27,33]

In particular, families need to pray together and pray for one
another.
James 5:16 — Praying together is one of the most important things
Christians can do to help one another be saved. But remember, helping
one another be saved is the main goal of marriage.
James 1:5 — Those who need wisdom should pray for it. This
wisdom will come as you study God’s word. But don’t you need wisdom
to have a good marriage? Are there things about your marriage that you
wish you had the wisdom to improve? Do you want to know whether or
not it would be wise to marry some particular young man/woman? If so,
then you must diligently pray that you will have wisdom from God’s
word. [Heb. 5:14]
Philippians 4:6 — Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by
prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made
known to God. Don’t we often have concerns for our marriage and our
family? Do we become anxious or worried about what might happen?
Don’t we have needs we wish to see fulfilled in our homes? Then let us
pray to God about these things.
Genesis 24:12 – When Abraham gave his servant a charge to find a
wife for Isaac, the servant went to God in prayer for success. Do you want
success for yourself or your children in finding a marriage companion?
If Abraham’s servant prayed about this decision, shouldn’t you do the
same?
Again, I urge young couples to begin this practice from the very
early days of your relationship. If someone is not comfortable praying
with you or does not think prayer is important, will he/she make a good
marriage companion?
Every Christian who wants a good marriage should pray every day
for himself, his spouse, and his children, that all will serve God faithfully.
If you want a good marriage and a good home, you must pray to God
regularly.
[1 Chronicles 29:19]
The Importance of Common Faith in the Home
Genesis 2:18 – One of the most important purposes of marriage is
companionship: sharing common goals and interests. Failure to share a
common religious faith is one of the major grounds for conflict in
marriage.
A Christian should marry a faithful Christian for all the following
reasons:
A faithful Christian will help, not hinder, your worship to
God.
John 4:23,24; Hebrews 10:24,25 – We already learned that families
should worship God together, especially attending public worship
assemblies. When both companions are Christians, they commune

together in song, prayer, the Lord’s Supper, etc. They will agree about
the need to give generously to support the church.
But if you do not marry a Christian, your spouse may not attend
with you. Worse yet, he or she may attend a false religious group. He may
actively oppose your attendance with the Lord’s church. He may resent
and oppose giving money to church.
Proverbs 15:8,29 – Even if your companion does not actively oppose
your worship, you still lack the unity and support you need. God will not
accept his worship as long as he remains outside Christ. [1 Corinthians
10:16,17]
A faithful Christian will pray with you, not hinder your
prayers.
We have learned that Christians should pray to God together and
pray for one another (James 5:16; 1 Thessalonians 5:17).
1 John 3:22 – But if your companion is not a Christian, God will not
hear or answer his prayer (Proverbs 28:9; James 5:16). He may even
ridicule you for your prayers. If a young lady marries a young man who
is not a Christian, who will lead family prayers before meals and other
times when Christians would pray together?
A faithful Christian will help, not hinder, your Bible study.
We have also learned that Christian couples should discuss and
study Bible principles together and encourage one another with God’s
word (Hebrews 3:13; 1 Thessalonians 5:11).
But a companion who is not a Christian may not be willing to study.
If you initiate a spiritual discussion, the result may be argument and
conflict. In all these aspects of worship, instead of being a source of
strength, your companion will become a hindrance and discouragement.
A faithful Christian will help, not hinder, your efforts to teach
God’s word.
Acts 8:4 — Christians should share the message of the gospel with
others [Hebrews 5:12]. This too is something we can help one another
do in our homes (Acts 10:24,27,33).
Acts 18:26 – Like Aquila and Priscilla, Christian couples work
together in this, inviting friends over to discuss religion and study the
Bible. They can talk together and share ideas to improve their teaching.
But if your companion is not a Christian, he may oppose your efforts
to teach. He may object if you invite others to your home to study, and
may resent the time you spend in teaching. He may openly contradict
the truth, and will surely hinder your teaching by his example.

A faithful Christian will obey and help you obey Bible
teaching about marriage.
We have learned that truly good marriages must be based on Bible
principles. Most marital unhappiness comes because people do not
follow the Bible principles about marriage.
We will learn more about these principles as we proceed: husbands
should love and provide for their wives, wives should submit to their
husbands and be homemakers, etc.
If you marry a Christian, you have a right to expect him or her to
obey the Bible. But you would have no reason from the very outset to
expect a non-Christian to obey God’s word. If he or she does not obey
God’s plan for marriage, how will you motivate him to do right?
A faithful Christian will encourage, not discourage, proper
morality.
2 Timothy 3:16,17; Psalm 119:105 – Christian couples have a
common standard by which to determine their moral beliefs and
practices.
But if you marry one who is not a Christian, he may have (or may
develop) habits you object to: drinking liquor, smoking, profanity, dirty
jokes, gambling, dirty TV shows, suggestive clothing, even pornography
or drug abuse.
What if he/she spends family funds on things you consider to be
immoral? What if he/she is dishonest in business dealings or refuses to
pay family debts? What if he wants to donate funds to causes that you
oppose?
How can you appeal to him, if you knew all along that he was not
living by the Bible?
A faithful Christian will help, not hinder, your relations with
friends and in-laws.
1 Corinthians 15:33 - Evil companions corrupt our morals. When
you marry, you inherit your companion’s family and friends. If you
marry a faithful Christian, he will want to associate with Christians and
good moral people.
But if you marry one who is not a Christian, his closest friends will
not be Christians. And what about in-laws? Will your in-laws oppose
your religious beliefs? How well will you get along with them, and how
well will he get along with your family and friends?
You need to seriously consider these questions before marriage.
[Proverbs 13:20; 29:27]
A Christian will work with you, not against you, in raising
your children.
Nearly all the concerns we have already discussed become
magnified when the children come along. Each spouse wants the
children raised in agreement with his or her views.

Ephesians 6:4; Genesis 18:19; Deuteronomy 6:4-9; Proverbs 22:6 –
Christians will agree to train the children “in the nurture and admonition
of the Lord.” They will work together in regular Bible study and bringing
the children to all the assemblies of the church (Hebrews 10:25).
But if you do not marry a Christian, your companion may
discourage your children from studying the Bible, attending services, or
becoming Christians. He or she may even insist that the children go with
him to attend a false church or allow them to attend recreational or social
activities instead of church meetings.
Proverbs 13:24 – Parents who are Christians have a standard for
agreeing what moral principles they will teach their children. They will
agree to chastise the children, firmly and consistently in love, to motivate
them to obey (Heb. 12:5-11).
But if your companion is not a Christian, what will you do if he or
she allows the children to drink, smoke, dress immodestly, use profanity,
attend dances, go to wild parties, run with a bad crowd, or even share a
bedroom with a friend of the opposite sex? What will you do if he refuses
to punish the children when they need it, or if he opposes your efforts to
discipline the children?
Nehemiah 13:23,24 – When Israelites married people of other
nations and religions, the heathen parents influenced the children.
Likewise, your non-Christian spouse will influence your children.
Raising children is difficult enough, even when the parents work
together. How will you feel if one of your children is eternally lost
because you chose to marry a non-Christian?
A Christian will help, not hinder, your efforts to achieve your
most important goal: serving God and receiving eternal
life.
Matthew 6:33 – We already learned that helping one another serve
God should be the most important goal of marriage. If you marry a
Christian, he or she will share with you this major goal. But if you marry
someone who is not a Christian, then he or she will not share with you
the most important area of your life.
Revelation 20:14,15 – Anyone not found in the Book of Life will be
sent into the lake of fire, the second death. Your spouse should be the
dearest loved one on earth to you. If he or she is not a Christian, then
you face the great likelihood that your dearest loved one will be lost
eternally! Will you be able to live with that fact without compromising
the truth to please him or her?
Nehemiah 13:26,27 – The Old Testament forbade marriage to
people of other nations, because it would lead God’s people into sin.
Solomon was an example of one to whom this happened (Deut. 7:3,4).
We do not live under the Old Testament, but the danger still exists.
You and your potential spouse need to thoroughly discuss all such
concerns early in your relationship. If your companion promises

he/she will change, give them plenty of time to prove they are willing to
change before making any commitment about marriage. And
give it long enough you are convinced the change will last.
If your marriage is to be happy and successful, you will need to go
through life working with another faithful Christian.
[Matthew 16:24-27; Romans 12:1,2; John 6:27,63; Luke 12:15-21;
14:26; Matt. 10:34-37].

The Purpose of Marriage
If we understand the proper purposes for marriage, we are far more

likely to accomplish those goals and to choose a mate with whom we can
accomplish them. If we do not understand those goals, we are almost
sure to fail to achieve what marriage is about.
The Main Goal of Marriage Is
to Help One Another Serve God.
We have already discussed this under “Religion.” However, there
are also other legitimate reasons for marrying.
Marriage Should Provide Companionship and Love.
Genesis 2:18,21,22 — Woman was created because it was not good
for man to be alone. The animals were not suitable companions for man,
so God created woman to be his companion and helper. [Proverbs 18:22;
19:14]
Malachi 2:14 — The wife is a companion with whom the man has
entered into the marriage covenant. [Proverbs 2:17]
Ephesians 5:25-29; Titus 2:4 — Husband and wife are both
instructed to love one another.
When man and wife are proper companions, loving one another as
the Bible teaches, they fulfill one of the strongest desires and greatest
needs people have. Do not marry until you are ready to love and care for
your spouse at least as much as you care for yourself. However, this
requires understanding what love really is. We will discuss this later in
depth.
Marriage Should Bear and Raise Children.
Genesis 1:27,28; 2:24 — God told the first man and woman to
reproduce and replenish the earth. This should be done in the marriage
relationship.
Psalms 127:3-5; 128:1-6 — Children should be appreciated as gifts
from God.
Malachi 2:15 – God makes man and woman one, because He seeks
godly offspring.

Ephesians 6:4 — Parents have a duty, in the family, to raise and
train the children they bring into the world [Genesis 3:16].
No other institution or arrangement can produce the same benefits
for children as can the family. This is one reason why it is immoral to
bear children out of wedlock or to refuse to care for them after we have
given them birth. If children can be raised acceptably by child-care
arrangements or government facilities, why did God insist that they be
raised in a family?
One of life’s greatest fulfillments is the sense of accomplishment
that comes from knowing you have brought up children who honor God
and are a blessing to people around them. Young couples should not
marry unless both parties are willing to make the sacrifices and put forth
the effort to do the very best they can to achieve this goal.
Marriage Should Provide Sexual Affection.
Hebrews 13:4 — The sexual union is holy and pure only within
marriage.
Proverbs 5:15-20 — Man should find fulfillment for his desires only
in his lawful wife.
1 Corinthians 7:2-5,8,9 — Husband and wife should express sexual
affection, not tempting the spouse by “defrauding” them. Satisfying this
desire is one legitimate reason for getting married.
Note that the sexual union is not just for procreation. It is a basic
urge created by God. It is pure and holy, but it can properly be fulfilled
only within the God-ordained institution of marriage. So, it becomes a
natural expression of the love and companionship of marriage.
Most people marry for a combination of the above reasons. When
we understand the proper reasons for marriage, we also understand why
it is a mistake to marry for other reasons, such as:
* To attain wealth, influence, popularity, or social status
* To escape serious problems in ones previous home life
* Because all ones friends are getting married
* Just to feel that somebody wants us – some people have felt
unloved and rejected or inferior all their lives, so they just want to feel
like somebody wants them.
* Because we are “on the rebound” from a broken relationship
* Because we want someone to provide for us or to keep house for
us, etc.
* Because our family or friends think we make a good couple
When people enter marriage for these improper reasons, they
usually find their marriage dissatisfies them, their companions, and
especially God.
Marriage is without doubt one of the most important decisions of
life. Before you marry, be sure you and your prospective spouse
understand the proper purposes of marriage.

The Permanence of
Marriage
Divorce is a terrible tragedy leaving husbands, wives, and especially

children emotionally scarred for life. Often there are also severe financial
consequences, especially for the wife and children. Above all, divorce
always involves someone in disobedience to God.
Bible Teaching
Genesis 2:24 — From the beginning, God intended marriage to
consist of one man and one woman who cleave (are “joined” – NKJV)
to one another and become one. God never intended for the union to be
put asunder so another mate could be taken.
Malachi 2:14,16 — God hates divorce.
Romans 7:2,3 — Marriage is for life. A person, who is bound in
marriage to a spouse, cannot have another companion as long as their
first companion lives.
Matthew 19:3-9 (5:31,32) — What God has joined together, man
must not put asunder. The only exception God allows, in which one may
divorce a companion, is for the cause of fornication. If one divorces for
any other reason, the divorce is a sin. And when he remarries he commits
adultery. And whoever marries the one whom he put away commits
adultery.
Applications
Never enter a Scripturally doubtful marriage.
1 Corinthians 7:10,11 – The only Scriptural alternatives for one who
has improperly divorced are to remain unmarried or to be reconciled to
his or her Scriptural spouse.
A divorced person should never remarry unless he is certain that he
divorced his spouse because that spouse committed fornication. Before
you remarry, search your soul and the facts of your case. Make sure your
spouse was guilty of fornication and that was the reason why you
divorced them.

Never marry a divorced person unless you are certain he or she
obtained a divorce for Scriptural grounds. Have long talks and careful
studies about the Bible teaching early in your relationship, before you
develop strong emotions. Don’t just take their word for it. Many divorced
people deceive themselves or others in order to remarry. Talk to others
who know the facts. Take the safe course and don’t run risks with your
soul.
When a divorced person remarries, his or her soul hangs in the
balance, and so does the soul of the person he marries. If you really love
someone, you will not endanger his or her soul or yours.
Enter marriage with a mutual determination to stay
together for life.
Too many people enter marriage like they are buying a car: “I’ll try
this one, and if I get a lemon I’ll just trade her in.” Some even live
together without marriage and call it a “trial marriage.” They lack
commitment. So, when problems arise, as they do in all relationships,
instead of making a determined effort to work the problems out, they
just end the marriage.
A “trial marriage” is not a marriage at all, because it does not involve
a lifetime commitment. You can walk out anytime. That tells you nothing
about marriage, because marriage involves commitment. That’s why
people, who do marry after living together, are more likely to divorce
than those who do not live together before marriage. They think they
have learned how to work together in marriage, but they haven’t. They
don’t understand commitment.
When couples enter marriage with a true lifetime commitment, they
will still face problems. But they will work together to solve the
problems, because they are convicted that divorce is not an option. They
must live together, so they need to work things out.
Furthermore, people who lack this commitment will not find their
relationship ultimately satisfying. The beauty of marriage lies in
knowing that you and another person value one another above all other
people on earth, to the point that you are willing to commit yourselves
to one another for life, no matter what the future holds. Only when you
have that commitment will you find that, throughout life and even into
old age, your marriage is truly satisfying.
The commitment of marriage is: “for better or for worse, for richer
or for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do us part.” That is
not just tradition. It is not just a piece of paper. It is Bible principle
ordained by Almighty God. Anything less fails to honor God or your
spouse.
Young couples who are considering marriage need to have long,
serious talks and Bible studies about the commitment of marriage. And
they should never marry unless they are certain that they are both
committed to stay married and be true to one another for life.

Maturity and Knowing
One Another
Proverbs 5:1,2 – In advising his son about relationships with

women, Solomon said to pay attention to wisdom and preserve
discretion.
In some ways, whom you choose to marry is a matter of right or
wrong (as when they are unscripturally divorced). Spiritual wisdom
comes from God, but in many ways, the decision requires considerable
judgment – not necessarily absolute rights or wrongs. I may not be able
to prove everything I say here is Scriptural requirement, but I believe it
to be good wisdom in harmony with Scripture.
Choose a Companion Based on Character, not Emotions.
Bible teaching
The Bible contains relatively few examples of choosing of
marriage companions
Genesis 24 – Abraham’s servant found a wife for Isaac. The couple
never met till after the choice had been made. This specific choice was
arranged by God (vv 50,51), which cannot happen today. But Abraham
insisted that the bride come from among his relatives so he knew she did
not come from the wicked people of the land. A man of wise judgment
made the decision after entreating the blessing of God.
Genesis 29 – Jacob also went back to his mother’s family to find a
companion, because the young people where he lived were ungodly. He
made his own decision that he wanted to marry Rachel after he had lived
among her relatives for a month (v14). And even then, the agreement
was that they would not marry till seven years later.
Ruth 2 – Ruth gleaned in the fields of Boaz throughout the length
of the barley harvest and the wheat harvest. At the end of this period,
they determined to marry. However, this too involved some differences
from today. Ruth was a widow whose husband died without
descendants. Boaz was a near kinsman of Ruth, and the law required
him to take her as wife to raise up seed to her husband. But, he knew her

well by reputation. Her past life and conduct had been fully reported to
him (2:11). She was known throughout the town as a virtuous woman
(3:11).
But the Bible describes at length the character of godly
wives and husbands.
The above examples involve some variation. But the one thing clear
in every case is that what mattered most was the character of the one to
be chosen. Many Scriptures describe the kind of person a man or woman
must be in order to have a godly marriage.
Proverbs 31:10-31 – A virtuous woman is hard to find. Her character
is described here and elsewhere. This is the kind of woman a young man
should seek to find.
Likewise, the Bible describes the qualities of a godly husband. We
will study these at length.
I know of no passage that states how you should feel toward a
person before you marry them. You should love your spouse, but we will
see that Bible love is more choice and commitment than emotion.
Feelings are important in marriage; but if you marry a person of godly
character, you can learn to love him/her. But a person of ungodly
character will be a source of constant trouble to a Christian.
We will study the qualities of husbands and wives as we proceed.
Before you marry you need to know – not just assume or even suspect
– that your future spouse possesses these qualities. If not, either look
elsewhere or give him/her time to change and prove they will be godly.
Applications
The entertainment industry bombards us with the romantic line to
“just let your heart decide.” Couples who have seriously different
backgrounds meet, “fall in love,” get married, and live happily ever after
… in the movies. Romantic, idealistic young women, with stars in their
eyes, decide to marry guys with immoral backgrounds so they can reform
them. This is foolish and incredibly dangerous.
Proverbs 28:26 – He who trusts in his own heart is a fool. Do not
choose a spouse on the basis of feelings or instincts.
A popular song years ago talked about a couple that met and
married in the heat of passion, but they’ve been talking about divorce
“ever since the fire went out.”
Feelings come and go. You have highs and lows. People feel excited
and high today, but tomorrow feel down and blue. This is normal for all
people, even those who have good marriages. If you marry because a
person excites you, you may regret the decision when the fire goes out.
Feelings come and go, but character should remain constant. Base
your choice on character and you can sustain the relationship. Know one
another well over a number of periods of emotional ups and downs, to
see if your commitment can survive the downs as well as the ups.

Know One Another Very Well Before
Committing to Marriage.
Ecclesiastes 5:2 — Do not be rash with your mouth, and let not your
heart utter anything hastily before God. Marriage is a commitment
before God. Do not enter it rashly.
In order to choose a companion based on character, it follows that
you must know a person’s character well in order to judge wisely.
Consider some specific applications.
Generally, you should know one another a long time.
We repeatedly taught our children to know a person for at least two
years before they marry them – longer, if there were any significant
questions about the person’s character or spirituality. But the issue is not
how long you know one another so much as how well you know one
another. In some circumstances, people get to know one another more
quickly than otherwise.
Someone says, “I know couples that got married a month after they
met, and they had a good marriage.” Yes, and I have heard of people who
jumped out of airplanes without a good parachute and survived, but I
still don’t recommend it! And people who get married after a short
courtship will not recommend it to their children! They ran a great risk,
but were fortunate. For every such person, there are many who marry
after a short acquaintance and live to regret it.
One of our daughters met a young man at college; and a few months
later, they asked for our blessing on their wedding plans. But we did not
know him and our first impressions were unfavorable. So, we stalled …
and stalled … and stalled … to get to know him better. After enough time
passed, the young man revealed his true character, and our daughter
broke off the relationship.
Proverbs 29:20 — Do you see a man hasty in his words? There is
more hope for a fool than for him. Hasty commitment to marriage is
absolutely foolish.
If you do not know a person well – well enough to put your life and
even your eternal destiny on the outcome – then you are not ready to get
married.
Talk about issues of importance in marriage.
Ask the other person his or her views about marriage, children, and
especially about spiritual matters. Express your views and get their
reaction. Study the Bible together. Learn your areas of agreement and
disagreement.
And learn to work out your differences. Do not ignore your
disagreements. Many people think their problems will just work out
after marriage. How do you know? Usually they get worse! Discuss them
now and see how well you are able to work out problems. Every marriage

has problems. If you can’t work out problems, you cannot succeed in
marriage.
If you and your friend have not thoroughly discussed what you
expect from marriage - and if you have not demonstrated your ability to
resolve differences - you are not ready to marry.
Spend time together under many different circumstances.
Proverbs 23:7 — For as he thinks in his heart, so is he.
“Talk is cheap.” Don’t base your decision just on talk. Get to know a
person’s heart. The young man our daughter almost married said all the
right things. But somehow his actions never seemed to accomplish his
big plans.
Typical dating situations hide flaws. Couples put on their best
behavior and best appearance to attract the other person. Friends and
family may not tell you what they know about the person’s shortcomings.
After marriage is when all the character flaws become obvious — but it’s
too late. You need to know his or her character before marriage.
Karen and I often warn people about the danger of making a serious
commitment when you’ve seen a person primarily in one setting, such as
in the artificial environment of college, especially one like Florida
College. Wait till you leave and see how your relationship survives.
Spend time together in various situations. Spend time with your
family and friends. See how he treats his family and friends and how well
he gets along with your family and friends. Go places where he or she
likes to go and places where you like to go. Observe how he or she reacts
under circumstances of stress, when things do not go as planned.
Observe one another in the real world.
Consider a person’s reputation and the judgment of godly
family and friends.
Proverbs 15:22 — Without counsel, plans go awry; but in the
multitude of counselors, they are established.
Boaz knew Ruth was a godly woman, because she had that
reputation throughout the whole city. Sometimes a person’s reputation
– good or bad – is not deserved. But before you marry someone whose
reputation is not good, make sure you know why he or she has that
reputation.
Get to know well the family and friends of your potential spouse.
Seek the honest evaluation of people who know the other person well
and whose godly wisdom you trust.
The young man our daughter almost married was planning to
preach. A preacher who knew them both well wrote a “letter of
recommendation” to churches about him. About the only really good
thing the letter said about the young man was that he wanted to marry a
really outstanding young woman! The red flag was waving!

The opinions of others should not be final, but consider them
carefully.
Both of You Should Be Old Enough
to Make Mature Judgments.
1 Corinthians 14:20 – Do not be children in understanding; in
malice be babes, but in understanding be mature.
Proverbs 7:7 — Describing a young man who lacked wisdom in his
choice of women, Solomon said, “I perceived among the youths, A young
man devoid of understanding.”
Not all youths are foolish, but youths generally lack the mature
judgment needed to make a wise marriage choice. Wisdom and good
judgment come with age.
A choice of a marriage companion requires mature
judgment.
Choosing a marriage companion is too serious to be made by
immature people. The problem is that teenagers often tend to think they
are much more mature than they are!
The divorce rate for people who marry in their teens is much higher
than for people who marry in their twenties. Even people who marry in
their early twenties are twice as likely to divorce as those who marry at
24-25 (Focus on the Family, 11/1992, p. 2).
Again, someone says, “I know people who got married in their late
or even middle teens and had good marriages.” Yes, but they will advise
their children not to do it! And in most cases these were people who
married years ago in a different age and different society when divorce
was not easy like today. Often they worked things out, because society
and their families frowned on breaking up marriage.
Marriage is one of the most important decisions you will ever make.
If you follow the Bible, you will live the rest of your life with the person
you choose. It is a choice you cannot change. It requires a mature
decision. And maturity requires experience. And experience takes time.
Young people need experience with life and people before
they make a choice.
Often young people are not settled regarding what they want in a
spouse.
Observe older couples who have good marriages that have stood the
test of time, and consider what kind of person you want to marry.
Consider people whose marriages have failed and learn what kind of
person you don’t want to marry.
Get to know different kinds of young people, so you know what
you’re looking for. Visit with others, not just in dating situations, but also
in groups, get-togethers, and family situations.
Our society encourages exclusiveness and intimacy early in
relationships. Even young teenagers “go steady” – restrict dating to just

one person. I urge parents and young people to resist that approach. We
taught our kids they could not date at all till 16, and then only in groups
or double dating. They could not single date till 18 and then only if we
approved of the person.
Usually (though not always), people will have several relationships
in various degrees of seriousness before they find one with whom to have
a good marriage. I sometimes say I have never known anyone who found
a good mate without first having their heart broken at least once.
You need to experience life’s problems as well as its joys. If your
parents are true Christians, chances are they have sheltered you from
some of life’s problems. That is a good thing. But it means you will need
to be older before you are ready to make serious decisions like marriage.
Proverbs 20:25 — It is a snare for a man to devote rashly something
as holy, and afterward to reconsider his vows. I can think of no area
where this applies more than in marriage. Marriage is based on sacred
vows. Entering those vows rashly and hastily generally leads to a snare.
But after you are married, it is too late to reconsider your vows.
“Marry in haste, and repent in leisure.” Studies confirm the wisdom
of this. You will live with this person all the rest of your life, so why rush
into it? Don’t jump into exclusive relationships. And above all, don’t
jump into marriage. Take your time and make wise decisions.
If in doubt, wait! What do you have to lose by waiting, even another
year or two? By taking your time to make sure of your choice, you have
everything to gain and very little to lose.

Loving One Another
Ephesians 5:25,28,29 - Husbands should love their wives as Christ

loved the church.
Titus 2:4 - Wives should love their husbands.
Love Is Concern for the Wellbeing of Others.
Bible Principles
Ephesians 5:25,28,29 — Jesus’ love for the church illustrates the
love husbands should have for their wives. He loved us so much He gave
His life so we could be saved. So, the husband should be concerned for
the wellbeing of the wife. He should nourish and cherish her as he does
his own body. He must use his authority, not to please himself, but to do
what is best for her and the family.
1 Corinthians 13:5 — Love is not selfish. [Romans 13:10]
Philippians 2:1-4 – Love requires us to not act from selfish ambition
or conceit. We look out, not just for our own interests, but for the
interests of those we love.
To have a good marriage, both spouses must seek the wellbeing of
the other person. When one or both companions selfishly insist on their
own way, problems are inevitable in the family.
Applications
Instead of love, couples often express self-will and lack of concern
for their spouse.
Sometimes selfishness and lack of love shows in major
ways.
The husband is lazy and won’t work to provide for the family.
The wife is lazy and won’t care for the house and children.
The husband spends money on toys he wants, but the wife and
children lack clothes or food.
The wife prefers to socialize with her friends, leaving the house in a
mess.

Sometimes lack of love shows in less obvious ways.
The husband treats his wife like a slave, but he won’t lift a finger to
get something for her. He sits in front of the TV saying, “I need a
sandwich. Get me a Coke. How about some pretzels.” But he would be
furious if she made similar demands of him.
Or the wife has a list of work for the husband to do around the
house, but gets mad when he watches TV. But while he goes to work, she
watches TV, reads for pleasure, or visits with her friends for hours at a
time, neglecting her own work.
Throughout our marriage, I have had all kinds of opinions about
how Karen should dress to please me, but I used to get upset when she
wanted me to dress to please her.
Love is a matter of degree and a matter of growth. But always, love
seeks the wellbeing and pleasure of the other person, instead of just
pleasing oneself.
Love Is a Choice of the Will.
Bible principles
Ephesians 5:25,28 — Love can be commanded, because it is a
matter of the will. We can choose whether or not to love, just like we
choose whether or not to obey any other command.
Romans 5:6-8 — Christ is the example to husbands. He loved us
while we were yet sinners, not because we were so loveable He couldn’t
help Himself. He chose to do what we needed.
Titus 2:4 — Older women should admonish the young women to
love their husbands, to love their children. Ladies can learn to love their
husbands and children. Bible love is not primarily an emotion. It will
result in emotions, but it itself results from the will.
Luke 6:27,28 — We are commanded to love our enemies. Loving
ones enemy is about what it would take to put love into some marriages!
But what does it mean to love an enemy? We do not uncontrollably “fall”
in love. Rather, we choose to do what is best for them.
Love involves a commitment. It is not an accident. Love requires
choosing to do what is best for one another. This takes deliberate effort.
You do not just get married and automatically “live happily ever after.”
Such ideas make nice fairy tales – Cinderella and Snow White. But that’s
all they are: fairy tales!
Applications
Couples can learn to love one another.
Some think love just happens and cannot be controlled — you “fall
in love” or out of love.
Sometimes one says, “I just don’t love her/him any more.” They
may think nothing can be done except to get a divorce. But an

appropriate response would be, “Have you repented? Have you
confessed that sin to God and asked forgiveness?”
Lack of love does not excuse one from responsibility of marriage. It
is a sin! What is the Bible solution to sin? Repent, confess it to God and
to the one you sinned against. Then do right!
When a marriage lacks love, we choose whether or not to
put it in!
When we realize we can choose to love, then we realize we can
put love into a marriage. And if we fail to put it in, we sin.
Christ initiated love toward the church when we were sinners not
acting lovingly toward Him. This is the example the husband should
follow. Likewise, young women should be taught to love their husbands.
You learn to love. If your marriage lacks it, you put it in.
This responsibility to initiate love rests on both spouses,
specifically on the husband. Most people think the wife is
responsible to put love in the marriage. She is responsible, but the
husband is as much or more so. The command is emphasized to the man.
He is to love the wife first and put love into the relationship, as Christ
first loved the church.
Love Must Be Expressed in Both Word and Action.
The way to choose to love is to choose to say and do what is best for
ones spouse.
Bible principles
Love should be expressed by what we say.
Ephesians 5:25 — Husbands should love as Christ loved the church.
But Christ states His love for the church (Ephesians 5:2; John 3:16). So
husbands and wives should express love for one another in words.
This does not require an overwhelming romantic “feeling” that wells
up and can’t help but be expressed. Remember, love is a choice of the
will.
We choose to state: “I love you. I am committed to this marriage
and to your welfare.”
Love should be expressed by what we do.
1 John 5:2,3 — Love for others requires us to love God and keep His
commands. Keeping God’s commands is loving God.
1 John 3:18 — We must love, not just in words, but in deed and in
truth. This is a vital principle in every home. We ought to say loving
things, but that is not enough. We must act in love.
[Luke 10:25-37; 6:27,28]

Applications
Couples should show love in how they treat one another.
Other topics will emphasize the duty of husbands and wives in the
home. The husband provides for the family and uses his authority for the
good of the group. The wife keeps the home and submits in love to the
husband. That is Biblical love.
Love is also shown in treating one another with respect. We speak
respectfully. We show common politeness and decency. We consider one
another’s views.
Love for God and for our spouse must motivate obedience to all
God’s teachings about marriage. This is the basis of obedience to all
Divine commands (Matthew 22:37-39).
Couples need to show love by being affectionate.
1 Corinthians 7:3 – You owe your spouse “affection” (NKJV). The
emphasis is on sexual expression. But couples need to learn that sexual
affection is just the culmination of other forms of affection. Without
other forms of affection, sexual union is hollow, lacking beauty and
meaning. When a couple is affectionate throughout the day, sexual
affection has true beauty.
You say, “I’m just not an affectionate person. My parents were never
affectionate, either.” Then choose to change! It may be harder for you,
but love is a choice not a mood. You can change and become affectionate,
just like you can change anything else necessary to please God.
This affection is “due” one another. It is not just an emotion or mood
that overwhelms us, so we involuntarily start saying and doing sweet
things. We should do and say kind things and express affection by
choice. Make a point to remember to say, “I love you” and to be
intimate.
Don’t’ wait till some mood or force compels us. We can and should
choose to act these ways.
Love Requires Giving and Self-Sacrifice.
Giving of self is the essence of love.
Bible principles
John 3:16 — God so loved the world that He gave His only-
begotten Son.
Ephesians 5:25 — Jesus loved the church and gave Himself for it.
1 John 3:14-18 — If you see your brother in need and don’t give
what is needed, you don’t have love.
Romans 12:20 — Loving you enemy requires giving food and drink
when needed.

A fundamental requirement of a good marriage is a
willingness to give of ourselves for the good of others.
The decision to act properly and lovingly toward our spouse should
not depend on how our spouse acts, let alone how a mood hits us. We
must choose to give of ourselves, because it is good for others and
pleasing to God.
This is fundamental to being unselfish. Selfish people doesn’t want
to give in or sacrifice. They want to please themselves.
Giving and self-sacrifice is especially essential in solving
conflict.
The fundamental lesson of Christ’s love is to give up our
own desires for the good of others, even when they are not
acting the way we think they should.
In time of conflict, we say, “I’ll do right or improve if he/she will
too.” If an act is beneficial for others, love requires us to do it regardless
of what they are doing. If we have been wrong, love requires us to admit
it, regardless of whether or not they have admitted their errors.
Even if we are convinced our spouse has caused a
problem, we should ask ourselves honestly what we can do to
help improve it.
This does not mean ignoring sin. Jesus did not cause our sin
problem, and He did not compromise with sin. What He did was
sacrifice Himself to provide a solution to the problem we caused. He did
not just criticize our sin; He became involved to provide a solution. He
did not do everything for us, but He made sure we had a way whereby
we could overcome the problem.
A spouse may think, “He/she caused this problem, so let him/her
solve it.” Even if that is true, is it helpful? Instead think, “What can I offer
to do — how can I become involved — so as to help resolve this problem?”
Instead of saying, “Why don’t you do this?” say, “Why don’t you and I
work on this together? What can I do to help?”
As long as neither spouse will take the first step toward a good
marriage, the marriage can never be good. Each one must be committed
to a good marriage. This requires us to give in at times where we wish we
did not have to (assuming we do not sin). Each must be willing to
sacrifice and give of themselves for the good of the marriage.
[1 John 4:9,19; Acts 20:35; Luke 10:25-37]
To improve your marriage, start with improving yourself.
If you are not married:
Make up your mind to marry only a person who will follow the Bible
teaching about marriage. And then work to become the kind of person
who will attract the kind of person you want to marry!

If you are a half-hearted Christian, halfheartedly involved in the
church, practicing personal habits that are immoral or doubtful, do not
expect to attract a faithful, dedicated Christian to marry! A dedicated
Christian does not seek to marry a half-hearted Christian. To attract a
faithful, dedicated Christian, you must be a faithful, dedicated Christian.
Likewise, if you have attitudes and habits that would hinder a good
marriage, start now to change to become the kind of person who can
work for a good marriage.
Likewise, if you are married:
If you are having problems in your marriage, do not expect your
spouse to solve the problem. Begin by examining yourself! Most
marriage problems result from faults on the part of both parties. Rarely
is one person alone the whole cause of the problem.
1 Peter 3:1,2 - You cannot control what your spouse does. You can
only control what you do. If you become what you should be, you will set
the example to help your spouse become what he/she should be. Do not
wait for them to change. Start doing all God says for you to do and you
will have the best chance you can have for a good marriage.
Begin now to study the Bible teaching about the home, then
conform your thoughts, words, and deed to that teaching. Become a
faithful Christian and become the kind of person you need to be to have
a Biblical marriage.
Differences we think we cannot tolerate should be resolved
before marriage.
Some differences we may be able to live with. But if we know a
person has a habit or characteristic that we find intolerable, especially if
it is sinful, either resolve it before marriage or don’t marry the person.
Do not marry a person thinking you will change them
Often girls meet guys with immoral habits or disgusting
characteristics and decide to reform them. People say women can twist
men around their little finger. And women believe it.
Or men think, since they are the head of the family, the wife will
have to change to please them. But even without being head of the
family, women can make your life miserable a thousand different ways.
If you are convinced your partner must change in order to have a
happy marriage, then the time to make this known and resolve it is
before you marry them — better yet, before you even become
seriously emotionally attached. Once you are married, you are
committed for life, and no amount of wishful thinking can change that
(Romans 7:2,3).

If a person has serious moral problems, don’t try to
change them by dating them.
Explain what it is that troubles you, and encourage them to work
with stronger, older Christians of their own gender. Then distance
yourself from the relationship, till they prove they will change by their
own choice. They must change, not because you want them to change,
but because God requires it and changing is the right thing to do.
Otherwise, they may go through the motions of change just to please you,
then revert after marriage. Or, you may become so emotionally attached
that you marry them despite the problem, and then live to regret it.
Learn to Love by Thinking, Speaking, and Acting for the
Well-being of the Other Person.
How do you put love into a marriage where it is lacking? Instead of
thinking first and foremost about what you want, act for their good and
the good of your relationship. You choose to do what is best for the other
person! That is Biblical love.
The key to putting love into marriage and keeping it in
marriage is to do and keep doing the things that led you to
love one another to begin with!
The reason couples stop loving one another is that they stop doing
the things that led them to love one another! This is one of the most
profound things I learned in 35 years of marriage. The incredible thing
is that most of us are so foolish that we can’t see that. This discussion
involves a measure of judgment and wisdom, but it surely harmonizes
with Bible principles.
How do couples learn to love in the first place?
Consider: What did you do that led you to decide that you loved one
another and wanted to get married? We know how to put love into a
relationship. We did it before we were married. We act a certain way to
nourish love before marriage, then we get married and quit doing those
things! If you want more love in your marriage now, go back and do the
same things again!
Couples learn to love by saying and doing things to please
the other person.
Before marriage, the young man sends the girl gifts, flowers, and
cards. After marriage, he stops.
Before marriage, the young lady chooses her clothes, her perfume,
and her hairstyle deliberately to please him. After marriage, she says,
“All my lady friends think this looks good on me. If he doesn’t like it,
something’s wrong with him.” Is that the way you thought before
marriage?
Before marriage, you took the time to listen to her/him. After
marriage, you don’t have time.

Before marriage, did you show politeness and respect: hold the door
for her, let her go first, and say “please” and “thank you”? Do you do
those things now?
Before marriage, did you compliment her hair, her dress? Did you
use expressions of affection? Why not now?
Before marriage, you remembered her birthday and other special
days. What about now?
Before marriage, you went places and did things together. What
about after marriage?
We know what cultivates love in a relationship. Why, after
marriage, do we become brain dead? Go back and act the way you acted
that led you into love. Don’t wait for feelings or a special mood to strike
you. Make a deliberate choice to do these things – love is a commitment.
Couples learn to love by taking time to be together.
Many times I have heard older couples say, “To keep love in a
marriage you need to keep dating one another.” For years that made
little sense to me. Finally, I realized the point was that you make
appointments to spend time visiting together and doing things
to please the other person. That’s how you learned to love, and that
is how you stay in love!
Make an appointment once a week (at least once a month) to
spend time primarily visiting with your spouse. And then once a year or
so, take a few days to get away doing things together, talking, visiting,
and just focusing on one another.
All of us live by some kind of schedule. We budget our time. Discuss
your schedule with your spouse once a week (or at least once a month)
and arrange an appointment for an evening or a couple of hours
together. Do the things you did that led you into love.
We lose love, because we stop doing the things that produced
love to begin with!
Many couples have excuses why they don’t do these things.
* “We don’t have time.”
Did you have time before marriage? Why did you have time then,
but not now? The answer is: You made the time, because it was
important to you to be with her/him.
You have time to watch TV or visit on the phone with friends or read
a book, etc. for 2-3 hours a week. But you can’t spend that time with your
spouse instead? What does that say?
Find someone to take the kids for an evening, trade babysitting with
friends.
Make an appointment and don’t break it except for absolute
emergencies. If someone wants you to do something else say, “We have
an appointment that evening.”

* “We can’t afford it.”
You can’t afford not to. Your marriage needs love. You must pay the
price.
You don’t have to spend a lot of money. Go for a walk in the park or
the mall.
What did you do and where did you go before you got married. Do
it and go there again!
The point is to spend time together.
* “We don’t enjoy the same things.”
She likes to shop; he can’t stand to shop. He likes ball games; she
can’t stand ball games. Etc.
What did you do before you got married? You found things to do
then! Do them again.
Then, you did not insist that your spouse do what you want. You did
things she/he wants. Did you go shopping with her then? Did you go to
ballgames with him then? Why not now?
Karen and I like to dress up and go out to eat, to a clean movie, or
shopping. I don’t much care to eat out. But I know she likes it. And I like
seeing her look nice. We shop for something we both want to get; or we
shop where she wants and then where I want.
The point is: If the object is to please the other person, to strengthen
your relationship, and to show the other person you care, you find
something to do and a way to do it, just like you did before you got
married. Forget the excuses. You’ve already proved you can do it. Do it
again.
What is missing in all these excuses? What is the
fundamental problem?
When we make these excuses, we are saying we don’t spend time
together because the other person and our relationship with
that person are not important enough!
If you don’t have time or money for one another and don’t’ enjoy
doing things together, how did you end up getting married? Before you
got married, you found the time and the money and you found things to
do. If you don’t do it now, it’s because your marriage relationship is not
important enough. You don’t care like you used to. We may not say it or
think it, but our actions show it. And at least subconsciously, our spouse
feels it. And that’s why our marriages lack love!
Before marriage, you took time and money and you found things to
do together, because you cared enough about one another. So, the way
to come to love one another again and to continue to love one another is
to go back and do the things that led you to love one another to begin
with.
Your marriage needs love. You have a command of God to put it in.
Do what you did that led you to love to begin with.

Responsibility, Honesty,
and Self-Control
Major marriage problems often are caused by irresponsible

conduct, especially regarding honesty, financial matters, and
uncontrolled temper.
Husbands and Wives Must Tell the Truth
and Keep Their Promises.
God requires us to tell the truth.
Bible teaching
Proverbs 6:16-19 — There are 7 things God hates, and two of them
involve lying and deceit: “a lying tongue,” and “a false witness that tells
lies.”
Proverbs 30:8 — Remove far from me falsehood and lies. No servant
of God wants a close relationship with one who practices lying or deceit.
Revelation 21:8,27; 22:14,15 — All liars will have their part in the
lake of fire outside the holy city.
Ephesians 4:25 — Putting away lying, "Let each one of you speak
truth with his neighbor," for we are members of one another. In no
relationship is this truer than in marriage.
Romans 1:29,32 – Deceit is a twin brother of lying. It involves
deliberately attempting to lead people to believe things that are not true.
Those who practice it, and those who approve of others who practice it,
both are worthy of death.
Psalm 40:4 — Do not have respect for those who turn aside to lies.
[John 8:44; Colossians 3:9; Psalm 24:3-5; 1 Peter 2:1,22; 3:10;
Matthew 15:18-20; Proverbs 19:22; Exodus 20:16; Acts 5:1-9]
Applications
If we really understand this Bible teaching, why would we ever be
dishonest with our marriage companion? Lying and deceit are always
sinful. Why should we practice them toward those whom God has
commanded us to love?

Marriage is based on mutual trust. When you sneak and deceive
your spouse to get your way, you destroy the foundation of marriage and
you sin against your spouse and against God.
And why would we marry anyone known to tell lies? If the person
you are considering marrying lies to you or others, break off the
relationship. A person who lies can never be trusted.
And if he/she lies to other people, don’t think they won’t lie to you.
He will lie to anyone, when he thinks it is to his advantage. You never
know when they are lying and when they are telling the truth. Why
choose to live with that all your life?
God requires us to keep our promises.
Bible teaching
Hebrews 10:23 — God is faithful to His promises to us. This is just
one of many characteristics God requires us to possess because it is a
fundamental characteristic He possesses.
Genesis 29:18-28 — Laban agreed to give Rachel to Jacob for his
wife if he would work seven years. But when the time came, he gave Leah
instead. This is described as deceit (v25). Deceit characterized this whole
family, and trouble repeatedly resulted. When a person can keep a
promise but knowingly refuses to do so, that is deceitful. [31:4-13, 38-
53]
Numbers 30:1,2 — The Lord commanded if a man vows a vow to the
Lord, or swears an oath to bind himself by some agreement, he shall not
break his word; he shall do according to all that proceeds out of his
mouth. [Prov. 22:25]
James 5:12 — Do not swear, either by heaven or by earth or with any
other oath. But let your “Yes,” be “Yes,” and your “No,” “No,” lest you fall
into judgment. [Matt. 5:33-37; 23:16-22; 2 Cor. 1:15-20]
The fact we don’t take oaths under the New Testament does not
mean that keeping our word is less needed in the New Testament than
in the Old Testament; rather, it is more necessary. In the New
Testament, giving your word is binding, like Old Testament oaths were
binding.
Romans 1:31,32 — Among those worthy of death are “covenant-
breakers” (KJV & ASV). The NKJV says “untrustworthy” — surely, one
who does keep his word is not trustworthy.
Matthew 7:12 (22:36-39) — The Golden Rule requires us to do to
others as we want them to do to us. If it bothers you for people to make
promises to you that they don’t keep, then don’t treat others this way.
[See also Proverbs 20:25; Ecclesiastes 5:2-6; Malachi 2:13-16; Jer.
34:8-22; Ezek. 17:12-16 (cf. v17-21); Gal. 3:15; Josh 2:9-21; 6:22f; 1 Kings
2:8,42f.]

Applications
Sometimes extenuating circumstances might release us from a
promise.
(1) We may have made a conditional promise. If the condition is
not met, we are not obligated. [Sometimes conditions are understood,
even if not stated.]
(2) Physical circumstances beyond our control may make it
impossible to do as planned (like sickness keeping us from job, church
meeting, etc.) [Luke 7:41,42; Matt. 18:24-34]
(3) The person to whom we made the commitment may agree to
change the agreement [Prov. 6:1-5; Luke 7:41,42; Matt. 18:24-34].
(4) If we committed ourselves to do something sinful, we must
repent of having made the commitment, and then not keep it (Matthew
21:28-30).
But we must never make a promise that we have no intention of
keeping. Having made a promise, we must not knowingly fail to keep it
when we are able to keep it.
If a person does not honor his word and keep his promises, what
reason do you have to believe he will keep the marriage vows? What
evidence is there that he/she will stay with you till death or remain
faithful sexually?
Few things do more harm to the marriage relationship than a
partner who cannot be trusted to tell the truth and keep his/her word.
Husbands and Wives Should Pay Their Debts
and Control Spending.
Money matters are one of the biggest causes of strife in marriage.
Often the problem is caused by over-commitment to debt.
Bible principles
Christians must pay their debts.
2 Corinthians 8:21 — Provide for things that are honorable, not only
in the sight of the Lord, but also in the sight of men. Being honorable in
dealing with men requires paying our debts.
Psalm 37:21 — One who borrows and then does not pay again is
wicked.
James 5:12 — Let your yea be yea and your nay, nay. If you don’t
intend to pay for a thing, don’t promise that you will. If you do promise,
then you are obligated to keep that commitment.
Romans 13:7,8 — Not only must we pay our taxes, but render to all
what is due. This does not mean it is wrong to borrow. But when the
payments come due, you must pay what you owe.
For Christians, there can be no doubt about whether or not debts
will be paid. Failure to pay a debt is one form of dishonesty and failing
to keep our promises.

[James 5:4]
One reason people are overwhelmed by debt is desire for
material things.
Matthew 13:22 – In the parable of the sower, the thorny soil
represents people in whom God’s word is choked by the cares of this
world and the deceitfulness of riches. These problems cause much
marital strife and destroy marriages, as well as making people unfaithful
to God.
1 John 2:15-17 – Do not love the world, or the things in the world.
People are often led to buy things they cannot afford because of lust of
the flesh, lust of the eyes, or pride of life. We see things that we think will
satisfy our desires or that will make us feel important. We want what
others have. But if we love the world, the love of God is not in us.
1 Timothy 6:6-10 – Those who desire to be rich fall into temptation
and a snare, and into many foolish and harmful lusts. For the love of
money is a root of all kinds of evil, for which some have strayed from the
faith in their greediness, and pierced themselves through with many
sorrows. Instead, we need to learn to be content with basic necessities.
Applications
Just because others have something doesn’t mean your family
needs it. Often a couple buys things they don’t really need and can’t
really afford, then there is arguing about how the debts will be paid. Or
both husband and wife work long hours to buy material things, but as a
result they neglect their responsibilities to one another, to their children,
to the church, etc.
Couples need to learn from the early days of their marriage to make
a budget and live by it. Make a list of the things you need in order to live
and how much each one will cost you. If you can’t afford to pay for a thing
and still spend the time and money you need with your family and in
God’s work, then learn to do without it.
Avoid debt whenever possible. Never make a debt unless you have
every reason to believe you can pay it. If you make a debt, pay it.
If a person has demonstrated that they cannot control their
spending and cannot learn to live on their income, then don’t marry
them. Or wait till they grow up and demonstrate in their life the basic
honesty and self-control required to live within their means and pay
their debts.
[Luke 12:15-22; Matthew 6:19-33]
Husbands and Wives Must Control Their Anger.
Bible teaching
Ephesians 4:26 — Being angry is not necessarily sinful, but we must
control our anger or it will lead us into sin. [Mark 3:5]

James 1:19,20 — Be slow to speak, slow to wrath, because man’s
anger does not work God’s righteousness. Learn not to get angry quickly,
and do not speak quickly when you are angry. You can learn to control
your temper. [Proverbs 14:17]
Proverbs 29:11,20 — A foolish man utters all his anger and is hasty
in words. Sometimes people say, “I just say what I think,” as though this
justifies their sinful statements. But some things should not be thought,
let alone said (Matthew 12:35-37). And wise men learn to control their
speech. Only a foolish man says every thought that comes to his mind,
especially when he is angry. [Ephesians 4:31,32; Proverbs 16:32; 25:28]
Proverbs 15:1,28 — When you are angry or your spouse is angry,
study to answer (think about it carefully), and respond calmly.
Proverbs 22:24,25 — Make no friendship with an angry man, and
with a furious man do not go, lest you learn his ways and set a snare for
your soul.
Applications
Failure to control ones temper leads to sin and ruins many
marriages.
Uncontrolled anger often leads to sin against others, especially
those closest to us. It can even lead to violence and spouse or child abuse.
If you have a temper problem, you must learn to control it if you ever
expect to have a good home, to please God, or to receive eternal life.
If a person is known to have a bad temper that he often does not
control, and especially if he is known to get violent, why marry him? Let
him learn to grow up and prove he can control himself over a long period
of time, or marry someone else.
You say, “He said he was sorry and asked me to forgive
him.”
Evil people often take advantage of the kindness of innocent people,
especially young women. They lead you to believe that, if they say they
are sorry, you must take them back and continue the relationship, even
if you are not married.
Apologizing is good. But every liar will say he’s sorry, when you
catch him and prove unquestionably that he lied. People who frequently
lose their temper will be sorry after they calm down. But real repentance
requires changing, not just being sorry (Acts 26:20). Such characteristics
are habits engrained in the character. They can be changed, but it will
take time and motivation. Don’t risk your soul and your happiness by
marrying such a person.
If he apologizes and promises to change, you should forgive. But
that does not require you to marry him or even to continue a
relationship. Forgiving a person and marrying them are two different
issues. Are you required to marry every person who asks your

forgiveness? You are not required to marry anybody! You have every
right to decide not to marry a person on any grounds you choose.
If he goes a year or two without committing such sins, you may have
grounds to reconsider. But meanwhile, break off the relationship and let
him prove himself willing to truly change. This keeps you free from an
emotional bond that could bring you to ruin.
2 Peter 1:6; Galatians 5:22,23 – Self-control is both a fruit
of the Spirit and a virtue one must add to his faith.
Before they marry, a man and a woman should both be mature and
responsible enough to tell the truth, keep their promises, control their
temper, and control their finances. If you are considering marrying a
person who lacks self-control, do not think it will get better after
marriage — it will probably get worse! Marry someone else, or at least
wait until he/she grows up and enough time has passed to prove they
have a pattern of responsible conduct.
If you are already married and have these problems, grow up!
Study the Bible and make a commitment before God to change. Then
keep your word and change.

Friends and In-Laws
When you marry, you are marrying one person. But with him/her
you “inherit” a whole new set of family members and friends. You will
enter a close connection with his/her relatives and friends, and he/she
will enter a relationship with your relatives and friends. Sometimes this
leads to problems.
Sometimes There Will Be a Conflict
with In-Laws and Friends.
Genesis 2:24 — When a man and woman marry, they form a new
family separated from the families of either of their parents. The
husband is to leave the parents and form a new and stronger tie with his
wife.
Ephesians 5:22-25 — The new family has a head: the husband.
Neither the man’s parents nor the wife’s parents are the head of this new
family. Friends and family may make suggestions or give Biblical
instruction or even rebuke when needed. But the husband is the leader
of the new family, and his decisions should give primary consideration
to the needs and wishes of his wife.
But some parents do not respect this and try to continue making
decisions for their children as they have in the past. Sometimes the son
or daughter has trouble “cutting the apron strings” and is too heavily
influenced by his/her parents. The new husband may allow his parents
to make decisions for him or may make choices on the basis of what
pleases his parents instead of what meets the needs of his wife. Or the
wife may seek to please or submit to her parents, instead of her husband.
Such interference by family or friends may cause serious conflict in the
new marriage.
Avoiding or solving this problem will take understanding of God’s
will and firm resolve on the part of the new couple. They must discuss
the problem, preferably before marriage. Make sure you have a mutual
understanding about what your relationship will be to family and
friends. If you see evidence of a problem, discuss it. Then the new

husband and wife must confront the troublesome family member,
explain the Bible teaching, and take a firm stand.
Sometimes the only solution may be to move some distance away
from the parents.
Your Companion Will Bring to the Marriage Habits and
Attitudes Learned from His/Her Family and Friends.
Even if your mate’s family or friends make no direct efforts to
interfere in your marriage, your companion will come to the marriage
with patterns of thinking, acting, and speaking that he/she developed
from parents, relatives, and acquaintances. Observing his/her family
and friends may help you understand him/her and know what to expect.
The effect of family influence
Ezekiel 16:44 — Like mother, like daughter. Or, as we sometimes
say it, “Like father, like son.” All of us our influenced by what we grew
up with. We tend to continue to relate to people according to the habits
we established growing up and according to the role models we
observed.
1 Kings 15:3 — This and many similar verses describe people who
were good or bad like their parents were. When children grow up with
parents who have a good marriage, treat one another well, and are good
parents, their children tend to act the same way in their marriage. But if
the parents are alcoholic, abusive, or negligent, the children may act that
way, even if they hated the way their parents acted. They lack a good role
model to follow and may simply not know how to act differently.
It is possible to be different from what a person experienced while
growing up, but this is difficult. If you do not like the way your future
spouse’s parents act in their home, or if you do not like the way your
future spouse treats his family, then take care. It will be very difficult for
your spouse to change these patterns, and you need to spend lots of time
making sure he/she is determined and able to be different.
Nehemiah 13:23,24 — Both parents influence children. If you have
conflict with your spouse’s family, this needs to be dealt with thoroughly,
preferably before marriage. If you marry this person, you will not only
have to deal with their family themselves, you will also have to deal with
their influence on your mate.
The effect of friends
Proverbs 13:20 – Companionship with fools will make us foolish,
but association with wise men will make us wise. Christians realize that
our associations, especially our closest companions, will have a major
influence on the kind of life we lead. Evil companions corrupt our morals
(1 Corinthians 15:33).
When you marry, you inherit your companion’s friends. If you
marry a person who has a habit of choosing bad companions or “running
with a bad crowd,” those people will become your companions too. If you

marry a person who shows a pattern of wise choice of friends, then both
of you will be able to associate with godly, moral people.
Proverbs 29:27 – An unjust man is an abomination to the righteous.
But the ways of a righteous man are an abomination to the wicked!
Before you marry a person, you need to consider how well you will get
along with his friends and relatives and how well your spouse will get
along with your family and friends.
Will your companion’s friends and in-laws be the kind of people you
will want to be visiting with frequently, especially after you have
children? Does the person you are considering marrying make wise
choice of his/her closest friends? And how will your spouse react to your
family and friends?
Discuss these matters carefully before marriage and after marriage.
Determine to marry a person only if he/she shows a commitment to good
relationships and good influences. After marriage, continue to study
God’s word together and reevaluate the influence your family and
friends have on you, on your marriage, and on your children.

Roles of Husband and
Wife
Traditionally and Biblically, the roles of husband and wife were

fairly well defined. God created men and women different and assigned
them different roles.
Modern philosophies, however, pressure modern families to believe
these roles will not work in modern society. Indeed, they may not work
— if we want to have the kind of families people in the world have. But if
our primary goal in marriage is to serve God, then we will find the roles
defined in the Bible are the only ones that will work!
Biblical roles require the following:
The Wife Must Submit to Her Husband,
But He Must Rule with Love.
The Bible teaches wives to submit to their husbands.
Genesis 3:16 — God decreed that the man should rule over his wife.
This is neither the invention of men nor the product of evolution. It is a
decree of Almighty God.
Ephesians 5:22-25 — The wife should submit to her husband as the
church should submit to Christ. And, she must submit in “everything.”
She has no more right to pick and choose which decisions she finds
acceptable or reasonable, than the church does regarding Jesus’
decisions. The only exception is if her husband tells her to do something
that would be sinful to do; then she “must obey God rather than men”
(Acts 5:29).
Further, the church should cooperate with Jesus’ authority in every
way possible, submitting willingly out of love (John 14:15). Likewise, the
wife should not try to look for loopholes or sneak behind her husband’s
back or manipulate his decisions by devious means. The command to
love her husband (Titus 2:4) should lead her to seek to know his will so
she can obey it.
1 Peter 3:1-7 — If her husband is disobedient to God and even if he
misuses his authority, even then the wife is not justified in refusing to

submit. In fact, this just gives more reason why she should submit, so
she can set him a good example. [Cf. Romans 12:17-21.]
[See also Colossians 3:18; Titus 2:5; 1 Corinthians 11:3,8-12.]
The Bible teaches husbands to use their authority with love.
Ephesians 5:25-29,33 — While the husband is head of the
wife, he must also rule with love as Jesus does for the church.
A man who loves his wife will not use his authority just to get his
own way and please himself. Instead, he will rule for the good of all (1
Corinthians 13:5). This often requires him to sacrifice his own desires for
the good of the group, even as Jesus did in dying for the church.
Further, the husband should make a reasonable effort to consult his
wife in decisions that affect her; he should take her will into
consideration. God grants the church the right to influence His decisions
by our prayers. For a husband to refuse to do this would be failing to love
his wife as himself: you would not like people to make major decisions
that affect you without your input. Likewise, using family funds to do as
you please, without careful consideration of the wife’s needs and views,
is selfish and unloving.
This does not mean the husband always does what the wife wants.
He does what he honestly concludes is best; but making good decisions
requires a willingness to receive input from those who must follow the
decisions.
Again, Jesus acted with love for the church, even when we were in
sin (Romans 5:6-10). Likewise, the husband must not be unloving
toward his wife, even when she is disrespectful or even sinful. On the
contrary, he must seek to put love in the home, even when the wife is
unloving, just as Jesus did for the church.
1 Peter 3:7 — The husband should strive to understand the
needs of the wife and value her, so that he can make his
decisions accordingly.
He should honor her (cf. cherish — Ephesians 5:29). The wife
should not to be treated as property or a slave, but as a valued and
respected companion.
The fact the husband is the leader does not mean the wife is any less
valuable or important. In God’s plan, value and importance are not
determined by authority, but by the service we perform (Matthew 20:20-
28). Men and women were each uniquely created by God to fill the role
He planned for them. Though their authority and abilities differ, each is
equally valuable and important in his/her role (cf. 1 Corinthians 12:14-
22).
Young people, do not marry someone unless you are truly convinced
that he/she will practice Biblical roles. Young lady, God will require you
to submit to your husband for the rest of your life, even when you don’t
like his decisions and even if you think he is unreasonable. The marriage

commitment must be to “love, honor, and obey.” Consider that carefully
long before you say, “I do.”
Young man, God will require you to love your wife and make
decisions for her good without bitterness, even when you think she is not
submitting to you properly. When you choose a marriage companion,
choose someone whose example and conduct indicates understanding of
Bible roles and commitment to follow them.
This is another reason why it is so important to really take your time
and be sure you know a person well before you marry.
The Husband Is Responsible to Provide Family Income and
the Wife Is Responsible to Be the Homemaker.
The Bible often states the husband’s responsibility to provide
family income.
Genesis 3:17-19 — From the beginning the man was responsible to
labor with his hands to provide bread A man who is able to do this but
will not, is lazy and foolish (Proverbs 24:30-34). [1 Thessalonians 4:10-
12; 2 Thessalonians 3:10]
Ephesians 5:28-31 — The man should labor, not just to provide for
himself, but also to “nourish and cherish” his wife as he does his own
body. These terms include providing and caring for her, as well as
protecting her. (Cf. v23.)
1 Timothy 5:8 — The man who will not provide for his own,
especially his own household, is worse than an unbeliever. Yet, all across
the country there are men who fail to provide for their families as they
ought. Even though they are able-bodied, they live off welfare or off
relatives or institutions. Meantime, their families suffer.
The Bible is filled with examples of men who were employed in
various occupations by which they provided for their families, including
occupations that often took them away from their families through the
day. This includes sailors, shepherds, physicians, tax collectors,
carpenters, fishermen, preachers, etc. There is no passage, however, that
teaches wives, especially if they are mothers, that they are similarly
obligated to leave their families and work to provide income.
Mothers are instructed to be homemakers, managing the
home.
Bible teaching
Genesis 2:18ff — The wife was created to be a companion and helper
to her husband. She finds her fulfillment, not in competing with the
husband in his work nor in taking his responsibilities, but in assisting
him. [Titus 2:4]
1 Timothy 5:14 — She should manage the household. (Cf. Proverbs
31:27.)

Titus 2:5 — She should be taught by the older women to be a
homemaker (NKJV; “worker at home” — ASV).
Psalm 113:9 — She should rejoice and praise God for her role as
mother and keeper of a home. Husbands ought to praise their wives for
fulfilling this role.
Proverbs 7:11,12 — It is a shame for a woman to gad about instead
of staying at home.
John 10:11-14 – Some work cannot be done by one who is simply
hired, as well as it can be done by one who has a personal relationship.
What is true of caring for mere animals would surely also be true of
caring for our family members. Ladies, no one can love and care for your
husbands and your children like you can. Can you hire another woman
to fulfill your role as companion to your husband and submit to him in
your place? Then why think your can hire a day-care center, babysitter,
or other hireling to love and care for your children in your place?
Applications
The roles of wife, mother, and homemaker are not the only
responsibilities God requires of women. He also requires them to teach
His word, be active in the church, care for the needy, visit the sick, and
be diligent in prayer and Bible study, etc. Some of these activities may
even briefly take her away from her house. But it should be clear that
filling all her God-given roles would constitute a full-time job for any
mother.
The Bible simply does not approve of the idea of modern society that
family roles are to be shared equally or interchanged or hired out to
others. Most of the major problems that exist in modern homes can be
traced to a failure of husband, wife, or both to understand and properly
fill their God-given role.
There may be circumstances in which the husband or wife is unable
to do their work, so their spouse may take the duties of a companion in
an emergency circumstance. And wives may find ways to contribute to
family income without leaving their children or neglecting their families
or their homes. But the fact remains that God said the man is responsible
to be the head of the family and the one to provide the income, and he
said that the woman is to be in subjection and is to be the homemaker.
Yet, all across the country there are families in deep trouble because
husbands and/or wives neglect their God-given duties because they
spend so much time doing things other than what God requires them to
do.
Young lady, make sure you marry a young man who is willing and
able to provide for you and the family. If he doesn’t hold down a job or
doesn’t show clear evidence of being able to provide an adequate living,
or if he might encourage or even expect you to work so you cannot stay
home and be a mother to your children, you need to resolve this before
marriage. And while you should prepare to provide for yourself if you

cannot find the right young man to marry, nevertheless you need to
organize your education and lifestyle so that, when the right man does
come along, you are prepared and willing to be a fulltime homemaker.
Young men, you make sure that the young woman you marry is
committed to staying home and being a fulltime mother to your children.
If she is career-minded or expects a lifestyle that you can’t provide, make
a serious effort to resolve this before marriage.
And throughout marriage, avoid making financial commitments
that require two incomes. Some couples, early in marriage, develop
commitments and attitudes that encourage the wife to continue working
outside the home even after the children come. The best way to avoid
these problems is to never put yourselves in the situation where you
must have two incomes to make ends meet.

Sexual Purity
Our son-in-law Brian teaches junior high school in a rural district

of a conservative state. Students in class brought up an eighth-grade boy,
who had been expelled for bad behavior, then fathered a child out of
wedlock. The majority of students believed he would be a good father.
Brian said he should have waited till he was married. The class
responded that everyone has sexual relations before marriage; no one
waits! They expressed disbelief when he said he had waited and had
never been divorced. When he said couples should work hard to have a
good marriage, they could not understand why!
When young people have been taught they evolved from animals,
why should they reserve the sexual union for marriage or view marriage
as a lifetime commitment? Animals see no need for such things.
When even homosexuals can marry, marriage must not mean
much. World reported a study at the Hoover Institute: “Scandinavian
gay marriage has driven home the message that marriage itself is
outdated and that virtually any family form, including out-of-wedlock
parenthood, is acceptable … in Sweden, the few young couples who do
get married often do not like to admit it, since what they have done is so
far out of the norm that they feel embarrassed.”
The public media virtually refuses to even acknowledge marriage. It
is politically incorrect to even mention words like “husband,” “wife,” or
even “spouse.” Instead, the media continually refers to your “partner,”
“companion,” or “significant other.” And “family” has been redefined to
describe any group of people who live together and care for one another
in some way.
No wonder young people do not respect the importance of marriage
or of reserving the sexual union for marriage.
Reasons for Reserving the Sexual Union for Marriage.
Consider reasons why Christians should respect marriage as a
lifetime commitment between one man and one woman, and specifically
why the sexual union should be reserved only for marriage.

Marriage was created by God and is “very good.”
Genesis 2:18-24 – At creation, God observed that it was not “good”
for man to be alone, so He created woman and ordained marriage.
Within marriage, a man cleaves to his wife and they become one flesh
(which includes the sexual union - 1 Cor. 6:16).
Note that animals were not adequate, nor did God create another
man as a mate for man. He created a woman as a companion for man.
So, God ordained marriage and the sexual union within marriage. God
declared this to be “good.” It meets a fundamental need. In fact,
everything God made at creation was “very good” (Genesis 1:31).
Those who believe in God, and specifically in God as Creator, must
believe that marriage is “good” and is the relationship ordained of God
for the sexual union.
God’s word forbids sexual relationships outside marriage.
Hebrews 13:4 — Marriage is honorable and the sexual relationship
(the “bed”) is undefiled only within marriage. Note that the sexual union
is not inherently evil. But the passage defines “fornication” and
“adultery” to be sexual union (“the bed”) outside marriage. God will
judge such conduct.
Exodus 20:14 – The Old Testament commanded to not commit
adultery.
Mark 7:20-23 – Jesus taught that fornication comes from the heart
and defiles a man.
1 Corinthians 6:9-11 — The Corinthians had been fornicators,
adulterers, homosexuals, etc. Those who practice this cannot inherit the
kingdom of God.
1 Corinthians 6:16-18 — Fornication is wrong because it constitutes
being “one flesh” with someone other than one’s lawful spouse. This
refers back to God’s plan, which places the sexual union in marriage
(Gen. 2:24).
Revelation 21:8; 22:14,15 – Fornicators are among those who will
not enter heaven but will be in the lake of fire.
1 Corinthians 7:2-4 — To avoid fornication, one should satisfy the
sexual desire only with “his own wife” or “husband.” God expressly
confirms that marriage companions must be of the opposite gender and
that each may satisfy sexual desires only with his/her marital
companion.
So, marriage is the authorized relationship for satisfying the need
for lifetime companionship and for sexual affection. But it involves one
man with one woman with a lifetime commitment. Only that
relationship is honorable by God’s decree.
God says sexual relations before or outside marriage are wrong, no
matter how much we care for the other person. These passages should
settle the issue. But sometimes God gives additional reasons for His

decrees. Consider additional reasons He gives for saving ourselves for
our marriage companion.
[Ephesians 5:3-5; Galatians 5:19-21; Col. 3:5-10; 1 Tim. 1:9-11;
Proverbs 5:1-23; 6:23-7:27; 1 Thessalonians 4:3-8; 1 Cor. 5:9,10; Ezek.
16:32]
Sexual acts outside marriage lead to jealousy, alienation,
violence, and disease.
Proverbs 5:1-18 – Relations with an immoral woman lead to
bitterness (v4), dishonor (v9), poverty (v10), grief (v11), destruction of
flesh and body (v11 – as in sexually transmitted diseases), and even
death (v5). All of us have heard of people who have experienced some or
all of these as a result of sexual promiscuity.
People think venereal diseases can be avoided by “safe sex” or cured
by modern medicine. If so, why are many such diseases at all-time highs?
And why do we continually hear about the dangers of AIDS? Despite
politically correct views, the fact is that AIDS is essentially a sexually
transmitted disease. Those who avoid illicit sex and illegal drugs have
little need for concern.
The solution: stay far away from those who are sexually
promiscuous (v8), and rejoice with the wife of your youth (vv 15-18).
Proverbs 6:32-35 – Adultery leads to wounds, dishonor, and
reproach. It causes jealousy, fury, and vengeance, which cannot be
appeased. This occurs when people violate marriage vows, but it also
occurs among people in trial marriages and homosexual relationships.
[7:21-27]
Such conduct often brings a burden of guilt to a relationship, which
manifests itself in many ways. We may be angry for no apparent reason
or unable to express affection freely. When we know our spouse has done
this outside marriage (even if they did it with us), we may wonder if
he/she will do it again, or with how many others they have done it.
Matthew 19:9 – Sexual union outside marriage is so serious that it
is the only grounds for which God will permit the one who is pure to
divorce and remarry.
When people practice chastity before marriage and sexual
faithfulness in marriage, they need not be concerned about the problems
caused by promiscuity. There are reasons why God has restricted the
sexual union to marriage. Obeying his plan is always best.
Marital commitment provides a stable relationship for
raising children.
Genesis 1:26-28; 2:24 – God created male and female, told them to
have children (reproduce), and said man should be “one flesh” with his
wife. One reason God restricted the sexual union to marriage is that this
gives children a family with both a father and a mother to raise
them.

Proverbs 1:8 – Children should hear the instructions of their father
and not forsake the law of their mother.
The fundamental concept throughout Scripture is that children
should be raised in a family consisting of a father and mother who train
and provide for them (Ephesians 6:2-4; Luke 2:48-51; Genesis 4:1,25;
etc.). Marriage, with a lifetime commitment of husband and wife,
provides the stable, loving relationship that children need.
Sometimes circumstances beyond our control take away father or
mother, but these should be viewed as tragedies. Any relationship,
which runs the risk of conceiving a child without the benefit
of both a father and a mother to raise it, is irresponsible,
unloving, and immoral.
Since the sexual union is the means God designed to conceive
children, it follows that having this union outside of marriage can and
often does result in children born out of wedlock. Such conduct is
irresponsible, unloving, and immoral. Yet, significant portions of
children today are born out of wedlock. No child should ever have to fear
that his parents would choose to risk his being born or raised in such an
immoral, irresponsible circumstance.
Marital commitment provides the needs of old age.
Because marriage is a lifetime commitment, it provides a
permanent relationship of companionship and love, even into
old age.
Romans 7:2,3 – Husband and wife are bound to one another as long
as they live. Those who are true to their marriage vows, will have a
spouse to live with, until death parts them. Few things in life are more
beautiful than a couple that continues to love and care for one another
into their older years.
Young people, who choose promiscuous or homosexual
relationships, have no such companionship. They may pass from partner
to partner, living for the moment, with no thought of the consequences
for old age. Likewise, people who divorce without Scriptural cause, have
no right to a companion in their older years. People, who are not true to
their marriage commitment, have no reason to expect others to be
committed to them.
Likewise, parents who raise children in a committed
family, will have children to care for them in their older years.
Ephesians 6:2,3 – Honoring parents includes caring for them in
their old age.
1 Timothy 5:4,8,16 — When parents become elderly, especially
when they are widowed and their marriage companion is gone, their
children should see that their needs are met. (Cf. Matt. 15:4-6; Ruth
4:13-15; John 19:25-27.)

This is called “repaying” the parents. But if parents bring children
into the world without a committed family relationship with both a
father and a mother to love and care for them, what reason do children
have to be committed to them in their old age? If such children learn to
care for their parents, it won’t be because the parents set a good example
of caring for them.
The true beauty of the sexual affection is experienced only in
true marriage.
1 Corinthians 7:2-5 – To avoid fornication, man and woman should
marry and then should give one another the affection that is due. You
do not have authority over your own body to enjoy this affection, except
with your committed marriage spouse.
In a committed marriage, the sexual union becomes the ultimate
expression of affection, love, and companionship. By reserving this
relationship only for our lawful spouse, we are telling them, “I love you
so much that I have chosen you to be the only person in the world in
which I will engage in this most intimate expression of love.” This makes
sexual affection the incredibly special bond of love that God intended it
to be.
Surveys have repeatedly shown that couples who remain true to
their marriage commitment express much greater satisfaction with
sexual affection.
Like everything else that God created for good, when people pervert
it, they cannot fully enjoy its benefits. People, who practice casual,
recreational sexual activities, will never, ever enjoy the true beauty of
sexual affection, and most will never even understand what they missed.
The brief, passing pleasure such people enjoy can never measure up to
committed marital bliss.
Applications of Sexual Purity
Obviously, there are limits to what can properly be discussed in a
public forum. Bible teachers have a problem because, if they give
detailed discussion, some object that they are too explicit. But if we are
not specific enough, many young people will get in trouble because no
one warned them what guidelines and limits they should respect. We
need to be as explicit as the Bible and specific enough to properly apply
Bible teaching.
Avoid tempting circumstances and conduct before and after
marriage.
Proverbs 5:8; 6:26-29 – The point of Solomon’s warnings was to
stay away from people and circumstances that would seduce you to
violate sexual purity. Don’t make close friendships with people who are
promiscuous, and don’t participate in tempting activities. [7:6-27]
Proverbs 6:23-25; Matthew 5:27,28 – The way to avoid immoral
conduct is by keeping your thoughts pure. Avoid the lustful thoughts that

lead to immoral conduct. And the way to avoid the lustful thoughts is to
avoid conduct that leads to lustful thoughts (sexually suggestive flirting).
Titus 2:5 – Young women should be taught to be “chaste” - virtuous,
modest, not indecent. This applies to clothing, words, and conduct. [2
Corinthians 11:2; Philippians 4:8; Luke 8:27,35; 1 Timothy 2:9,10; 2
Samuel 11:2-4]
Romans 13:13,14; Mark 7:20-23; Galatians 5:19-21; 1 Peter 4:1-4 —
God forbids “lascivious” or “licentious” conduct - anything that causes
or tends to arouse sexual excitement, desire, or lust between people not
married to one another.
Young men and women need to be taught that there are ways of
speaking, dressing, and acting that arouse sexual desire. These are good
and proper in marriage, because married couples can properly act on
those desires. But when you have no right to fulfill the desire, then you
have no right to arouse it in yourself or in one whom you are courting.
Young people, when you are dating, make sure both you and your
date keep your hands off areas that should be reserved for marriage.
Make sure you keep clothing on and cover what only married people
have the right to see. Don’t date anyone who doesn’t understand these
principles or that has a reputation for improper conduct. At the first sign
of improper conduct, stop and insist on respect for purity. If you need
more specific guidance, get advice from your parents or from respected
older Christians (Titus 2:4,5).
Likewise, married people should avoid the dangers of forming too
close relationships with people of the opposite gender other than your
spouse. Avoid the very appearance of a “dating” situation. Avoid being
alone in private. At the first sign of improper conduct, immediately
distance yourself from the friendship.
And don’t think nothing wrong can happen, because you are both
Christians. Even faithful Christians have been brought to sin by forming
too close friendships with people of the opposite gender. Often the
relationship begins because we have a special relationship with other
Christians, we think we are safe so we drop our barriers, and soon we
have an illicit relationship.
“Flee fornication.”
[Proverbs 4:23; 6:27; 13:20; 22:3; Matthew 5:8; 6:13; 18:8,9;
Romans 13:14; 1 Corinthians 15:33; Genesis 39:7-12]
Spouses should express sexual affection in marriage.
1 Corinthians 7:2-5 – With your true marital spouse you not only
may be intimate, but you should do so freely. You and your spouse have
no one else with whom to fulfill this desire. Be free and expressive of
your affection.
V5 - Failure to do this allows Satan to tempt us to a lack of self-
control. This can happen when one withholds affection in anger or in an

attempt to punish the other. Or it can happen because of prolonged
physical separation. Avoid either form of temptation.
Vv 3,4 – Both the husband and the wife are to show affection;
neither is to deprive the other (v5). This is not just for the husband’s
pleasure. Both will truly be blessed provided both truly seek to show
affection.
Remember that sexual affection is an expression of love. As we
discussed previously, love requires giving to please the other
person. Love is destroyed by selfishness. Nowhere is that true more
than in sexual affection. Your relationship will be blessed to the extent
that you set aside what you want and try to please your companion. Both
spouses – but especially husbands - need to be patient, gentle, and
giving. The most basic thing to remember about sexual
affection in marriage is that it is an expression of love and
should always be guided by a genuine desire to please the
other person.
One writer referred to proper sexual affection in marriage as “the
twenty-year warm up.” At first, you are not sure how to please one
another. It may even help if, shortly before or soon after marriage, you
personally read a wholesome, helpful book. But as you truly seek to
please one another, you will grow in understanding throughout your
marriage.
And that’s another reason why people will never fully enjoy the
blessings of sexual affection, if they don’t appreciate marriage. A married
couple, who truly love one another, will grow in affection over long
periods of time. People who lack marital commitment are generally
selfish in their approach and won’t take time to grow. Their acts are
expressions of lust and selfish desires, rather than true love and
commitment.
Conclusion
As society declines, those who have left God’s word will grow worse
and worse in their perversions of marriage and the sexual relationship.
But those who seek to truly be blessed in this life and in eternity need to
learn to appreciate and obey God’s plan for marriage.
God has created many incredibly powerful forces. When those
forces are used improperly, they can do incredible harm. When used
properly, they can be incredible blessings. Nothing destroys a
relationship between a man and woman more totally that sexual
immorality. But proper affection in marriage makes it the true blessing
of companionship that only God can design.

Solving Marriage Conflict
Introduction
Every family has disagreements.
Someone once told about a couple celebrating many years of
marriage. The man said, “I’m pleased to say that we’ve never had a fight.”
The wife responded, “Well, it helps to become old and forgetful!”
There is no such thing as a couple that never has conflicts.
Unfortunately, many couples lack the skill to discuss their
disagreements and resolve them. As a result, conflicts may lead to
fighting, in which the husband and wife become seriously
alienated but never resolve the cause of the problem. Instead,
they build up bitterness, quarreling, uncontrolled anger, hatred, and
often divorce.
The purpose of this study is to learn what the Bible says
about how to resolve conflict in marriage.
We are concerned with conflict in general, but especially with
serious conflicts that destroy the relationship of husband and wife and
that may lead to divorce.
Specifically, couples need the ability to discuss serious problems,
reach a plan to resolve them, and then put that plan into action. I
emphasize that this is a skill that many people have simply never
learned, but which can be learned. We hope to learn what the Bible
says about how to develop this skill.
Consider the following steps that can help couples avoid or resolve
such serious problems.

Trust in God
Believe that God Can Help Your Marriage.

Many couples have bickered and quarreled so long that they lose
hope things will ever improve. They resign themselves to go on
quarreling and hating the rest of their lives, or they end the marriage by
divorce.
Philippians 4:13 — I can do all things through Christ who
strengthens me. If we trust in ourselves, we may fail. But we must believe
that Jesus will provide the strength we need to please God.
1 John 5:4 — If we are born of God, we overcome the world through
faith. This includes overcoming improper family relations, but we must
believe that it can be done by the power of God.
Couples need to believe that, by God’s power, they can resolve their
marriage problems if both parties will really work at it.
Pray for God’s Help.
Philippians 4:6,7 — Don’t be anxious, but by prayer and
supplication make your requests known to God. Christians should do
this for all our problems, but specifically for our marriage problems. If
we have proper faith in God’s power, then we will pray diligently about
our marriage problems.
1 John 5:14 — Be confident that, if we ask according to His will, He
hears us. [Matt. 6:13; 1 Pet. 5:7]
When we have marriage problems, especially serious ones, we need
to believe that God will answer prayer. If both the husband and wife are
faithful Christians then, both individually and together, they should
spend much time praying for God’s help with their problems. Confess
your problems specifically and ask God’s help.
But remember that God answers according to His will. If your
companion is not a Christian or is not faithful, God will not force
him/her to do right. He may, however, give them an opportunity to learn
His will for their lives.
When your family faces serious problems, how much do you pray to
God and trust His power to answer your prayers?

Respect Bible Authority.
Follow Bible teaching instead of feelings, human wisdom,
etc.
Proverbs 3:5,6 — Trust in the Lord and let Him guide your path.
Don’t lean on your own human understanding. Too often troubled
couples seek sources of guidance outside the Bible.
Some folks follow psychologists, marriage counselors, advice of
friends, etc. Sometimes such sources may help if their advice agrees with
Scripture. But they usually offer human wisdom instead of Scripture.
Other couples are guided by feelings. People get divorced saying,
“I just don’t feel anything for her (or him) anymore.” But no amount of
feelings can change what God’s word says.
2 Timothy 3:16,17 — Scriptures provide to all good works. If solving
marriage conflict is a good work, then the Bible will tell us how to do it.
Other people may help, but we must reject any ideas that do not agree
with the Bible.
Many people accept this view of authority regarding salvation,
worship, church organization, etc. Why should it be any different
regarding our homes?
[2 Pet. 1:3; Jer. 10:23; Prov. 14:12; etc.]
Study what the Bible says about your problem.
Psalm 1:2 — The righteous man delights in God’s law and meditates
on it day and night. If we really believe the Bible has the answers, then
we should study what it says. This is what we would do about any other
spiritual problem. Why do otherwise regarding family problems?
Acts 17:11 — The Bereans learned the truth by searching the
Scriptures day and night. We need to do the same regarding our family
problems.
Then Obey the Bible Teaching.
Matthew 7:24-27 — The wise man not only hears what God’s word
says, but also does it. The foolish man hears but does not obey.
If we believe that God’s word holds the answers to our marriage
problems, then we must determine to do what it says, not just learn
what it says.
Hatred, bitter quarreling, and alienation in our homes mean
that someone is disobeying God.
God created marriage for the good of man and woman. He never
intended for marriage to be a source of hatred and bitter grudges. It
follows that serious marriage conflict is not God’s will for us.
Serious marriage problems either began because someone
disobeyed God, or else the original problem led someone to commit
other sinful acts. In either case, serious marriage problems almost
always involve sin.

If so, then we can overcome the problems by the same methods the
Bible describes for overcoming other sins! Recognizing that sin is
the root of the problem gives hope, because a Christian
knows that God has the solution to sin.
However, marriage involves two people. A problem between two
people can only be completely removed if both parties are willing to
work at it. If only one person obeys God, the other person can keep the
problem alive.
Nevertheless, if your spouse will not work to improve the
marriage, this does not remove your responsibility to do
what you can.
To please God, you must follow His will regardless of what your
partner does. You must believe that you can please God regardless of
how others act.
If both parties commit themselves to practice God’s plan, any
couple can eliminate sin from their marriage. And regardless of whether
or not your partner obeys God, you can still please God if you will follow
the steps we are about to describe.
[1 Cor. 10:13; 2 Cor. 9:8; Josh. 1:5-9; Eph. 3:20,21]

Respect God’s Pattern
for Marriage.
As we study God’s word, we will learn that He has a pattern for

marriage.
God Has a Pattern for the Permanence of Marriage.
Divorce and separation are not acceptable options.
Romans 7:2,3 - Marriage is a lifetime commitment.
Matthew 19:9 - One can Scripturally divorce a spouse only if it is
done because he/she has committed fornication. Obviously one should
never want his/her spouse to commit fornication, so it follows that each
one must sincerely hope for the marriage to continue. [Matthew 5:31,32]
1 Corinthians 7:10,11 — If we have unscripturally divorced, we must
seek reconciliation with our spouse or remain unmarried. Remarriage is
not an option.
1 Corinthians 7:2-5 — Since the sexual union is upright only within
marriage (Heb. 13:4), the man and wife should fulfill one another’s
desires for sexual affection. They should not voluntarily separate except
by mutual consent for a temporary time for spiritual purposes.
Sometimes troubled couples choose to live apart, thinking they will
not divorce. But separation causes sexual temptation, and it weakens
commitment to the marriage and increases the likelihood of divorce.
Doubts about one another’s conduct and motives increase. Problems
cannot be discussed and resolved because you are not together.
The Bible requires both spouses to continually view the marriage
with commitment.
Both spouses should express commitment to the marriage.
Sometimes one will make statements and threats that
express lack of commitment to the marriage.
One may say:
“I wish I never married you.” You are bound for life. What good
comes from such a statement?

“I should have divorced you years ago.”
“If this doesn’t stop, I’ll see a lawyer.”
“I’m leaving, and I don’t know if I’ll be back.”
In the absence of Scriptural grounds for divorce, all such statements
are sinful, because they destroy the security and commitment of the
marriage. They do not express love, but are used as a weapon to threaten
and hurt the spouse.
It is sinful, not just to practice wrong, but also to desire or
to threaten to do wrong.
If it is wrong to do a thing, then it is wrong to desire to do it or to
threaten to do it.
Proverbs 4:23 — Out of the heart are the issues of life. We commit
sin because we allow ourselves to desire in our hearts to commit sin.
Matthew 12:35-37 — The mouth speaks out of the abundance of the
heart. We will be justified or condemned by our words. We are wrong if
we say we will do something wrong, even if we never actually do it.
Why do people threaten to seek divorce? Usually to hurt their
partner. We can hurt others by words, not just by deeds. This is cruel and
unloving.
In the absence of Scriptural grounds for divorce, Christians should
never do or say anything that appears to justify separation or divorce.
Instead, they should deliberately express and promote commitment. “I
really do love you. I want to work out our problems, and I want us to
have a good marriage.”
[See also Matt. 5:21f,27f,33-37, etc.]
God Has a Pattern for Authority in the Home.
Ephesians 5:22-24 — The wife must submit to her husband as to the
Lord.
1 Peter 3:1 — She must obey her husband even if he is not serving
God. Sometimes a wife may think she may disobey her husband just
because he commits sin, but God says she must still obey him. She may
disobey only if the husband asks her to commit sin (Acts 5:29).
We will see that resolving conflict requires decisions to be made.
God has provided a way to make those decisions. Sometimes husbands
lack the courage or the strength of character to make tough decisions
that need to be made. They allow their wives to dominate, even when
they know sin exists that should end. And sometimes wives lack the
strength of character and the humility to accept their husbands’
decisions.
We will see that the husband also has God-given guidelines to follow
when he makes decisions. Conflict may arise or remain unresolved either
because the husband disobeys Bible teachings about how to make
decisions or because the wife disobeys Bible teachings about submission.
[Tit. 2:5; Col. 3:18; etc.]

Express Appreciation and
Praise for What Is Good.
Philippians 4:6,7 — Let your requests be made known to God with

thanksgiving. Even when we are concerned about our problems, we
must remember to be thankful for our blessings.
Often in times of strife, we get so upset with our companion, that
we fail to express appreciation for the good qualities they have. This
tends to blow the problems out of proportion.
Husbands Should Express Appreciation for Their Wives.
Genesis 2:18 — It was not good for man to be alone, so God made
woman to be a companion for him. God deliberately created woman to
be good for her husband.
Proverbs 18:22 — He who finds a wife, finds a good thing and
obtains favor of God. So let the husband say so.
Proverbs 12:4 — A worthy woman is the crown of her husband. If
so, then let the husband express appreciation for her. [Prov. 19:14; 31:10]
1 Peter 3:7 — The husband should give honor to his wife. Yet, one
major failing many husbands have is that we give much more criticism
than we give honor. This is absolutely one area in which I failed in the
early years of our marriage.
Husbands, how often do you deliberately say or do something
intended to honor your wife? Is she supposed to feel honored simply
because you haven’t insulted her recently?
Proverbs 31:28-31 — The husband of a worthy woman ought to give
her praise. Do you praise your wife when she prepares a meal, cleans
the house, cares for your children, or fulfills her responsibilities as a
Christian? Or do you just criticize when you think she fails?
A husband usually gets a sense of fulfillment and accomplishment
from his work. He gets a regular paycheck and perhaps occasional
promotions. But the wife works day in and day out at home with the
family. If the husband does not express appreciation, the wife should still
find a sense of accomplishment in seeing her children develop and in
knowing above all that God is pleased. But she has a much greater sense

of security and accomplishment if her husband tells her he appreciates
what she does.
Men, God instructs us to praise our wives when they do good. If we
did, they would find it much easier to fulfill their role as submissive
homemakers.
Wives Should Express Appreciation for Their Husbands.
Romans 13:7 — All Christians should give honor to whom honor is
due. This is a general principle. It teaches husbands to honor their wives,
but it also teaches wives to honor their husbands.
Ephesians 5:33 — Because the husband is the head of the wife (vv
22-24), she should respect (reverence) him. Surely this includes
expressing appreciation for him.
Ladies, if your husband works regular hours at his job to provide for
you and the family, how often do you tell him you appreciate it? Or do
you just take his paycheck and spend it without a word of thanks? When
he does repairs around the house, or spends time with the children, or
fulfills his role as a Christian man, do you tell him you appreciate it?
Probably the greatest need that the wife has is a sense of security
in knowing that she is loved and needed. Probably the greatest need the
man has is the sense of being respected and looked up to. Both these
needs are met if the husband and wife will express appreciation for one
another.
If you are angry and upset with your companion, do two things. (1)
Make an honest list of every good quality your companion possesses and
every good work he/she does. Be as thorough as you can. (2) Then every
day make a definite point to express love to your companion and find
something specific to compliment and express appreciation for. This will
significantly help when it comes time to discuss your problems, and it
will also make your problems seem much less serious.

Act in Love.
Husbands should love their wives as Christ loved the church

(Ephesians 5:25,28,29). Wives should also love their husbands (Titus
2:4). Love for one another is absolutely essential in solving serious
conflict.
Love Is Concern for the Well-being of Others.
Ephesians 5:25,28,29 — Jesus’ love for the church illustrates the
love husbands should have for their wives. He loved us so much He gave
His life so we could be saved. So, the husband should be concerned for
the well-being of the wife. He should nourish and cherish her. He must
use his authority, not just to please himself, but to do what is best for his
wife and the family.
1 Corinthians 13:5 — Love is not selfish.
Romans 13:10 — Love works no harm to its neighbor.
As long as one or both companions selfishly insist on their own way,
differences will not be resolved. Serious problems can be solved only
when each is willing to seek the other’s welfare, not just his/her own
well-being.
Love Is a Choice of the Will.
Ephesians 5:25,28 — Love can be commanded because it is a matter
of the will. We can choose whether or not to love, just like we choose
whether or not to obey any other command.
Some think love just happens: you “fall in love” or out of love. This
view makes us victims of circumstances: we are not in control. So, if a
couple “just don’t love one another anymore,” nothing can be done
except to get a divorce. But when we realize we can choose to love, then
we realize we can put love into a marriage. And if we fail to put it in,
we sin.
Furthermore, just as Christ initiated love toward the church when
we were sinners not acting lovingly toward Him, so it is the primary
responsibility of the husband to initiate love. The command is
emphasized to the man. He is to love the wife first and put love into the
relationship, as Christ first loved the church.

Romans 5:6-8 — Christ loved us while we were yet sinners, not
because we were so lovable that He couldn’t help Himself. He chose to
do what we needed done.
Luke 6:27,28 — We are commanded to love our enemies. Loving
ones enemy is about what it would take to put love into some marriages!
How do you love an enemy? Not by falling uncontrollably into love, but
by choosing to do what is best for them.
Each spouse should understand that the statement “I just don’t love
her/him any more” is a confession of sin! It must be repented of and
corrected as an act of the will!
When serious disagreements build up in marriage and are not
resolved, one or both companions are not choosing to show love.
Love Must Be Expressed in Words and in Deed.
Love should be expressed by what we say.
Ephesians 5:25 — Husbands should love as Christ loved the church.
But Christ states His love for the church (Ephesians 5:2; John 3:16). So
husbands and wives should express love for one another in words.
Do not wait for an overwhelming romantic “feeling” that wells up
and can’t help but be expressed. We are discussing love by choice of the
will. If so, then we choose to express that love.
We can and should state, by the choice of our will: “I want you to
know that I still love you, I am committed to this marriage and to your
welfare.” Since the husband is to initiate love as Christ did, he must make
a deliberate, conscious effort to tell his wife regularly – preferably every
day – that he loves her. And she should do the same to him, sincerely
from the heart.
Love should be expressed by what we do.
1 John 5:2,3 — Love for others requires us to love God and keep His
commands. Keeping God’s commands is loving God.
1 John 3:18 — We must not love just in words, but in deed and in
truth. This is a vital principle in every home. We ought to say loving
things, but that alone is not enough. We must act in love. Whatever we
do and say in the marriage must be directed by God’s will, motivated by
love.
[Luke 10:25-37; 6:27,28]
Love Requires Giving and Self-sacrifice.
Giving of self is the essence of love.
Ephesians 5:25 — Jesus loved the church and gave Himself for it.
John 3:16 — God so loved the world that He gave His only-
begotten Son.
1 John 3:14-18 — If you see your brother in need and don’t give
what is needed, you don’t have love. Surely this applies in the home. If I

see my spouse in need and don’t give what he/she needs, I do not have
love (notice that says “need,” not “want”).
Romans 12:20 — Even loving your enemy requires giving food and
drink when needed.
Note that this requires giving our time and effort for the good of
the other person. Many marriages face serious problems because
husband and/or wife are too busy doing other things – maybe even
useful things (like work, caring for children, etc.) - to develop and
maintain a good relationship with one another.
Spouses must determine to take time for one another. This is a
requirement of love, and love is a Divine command in a marriage. If you
are too busy to spend some private time regularly with your spouse, you
need to rearrange your schedule!
A basic requirement in solving family disagreements is a
willingness to give of ourselves for the good of others.
Typically, each spouse refuses to change because he/she is upset at
something the other person did. If we would view the situation honestly
and objectively (as if it were someone else’s problem), we might see that
we are in the wrong. But we refuse to admit our error or to change
because of some habit or characteristic we dislike in our spouse.
The fundamental lesson of Christ’s love is that we should
give up our own desires for the good of others even when they
are not acting the way we think they should. Don’t say, “I’ll
change if he/she will too.” If an act would be helpful, do it regardless of
what they do. If we have been wrong, admit it regardless of whether or
not they ever admit their errors.
Even if we are convinced we are not the root cause of a
problem, we should ask ourselves honestly what we can do to
help improve it. This does not mean ignoring sin. Jesus did not cause
our sin problem and He did not compromise with sin, but He did
sacrifice Himself to provide a solution to our sin problem. He did not
just sit back and criticize us for our sin, but He became involved to
provide a solution. He did not do everything for us, but He made sure we
had a way whereby we could overcome the problem.
A mistake I often made early in our marriage was to just criticize
without offering help in solving the problem: “Here’s the problem and I
expect you to solve it.” Even if that is true, is it helpful? Instead think,
“What can I offer to do — how can I become involved — so as to help
resolve this problem?” Instead of saying, “Why don’t you do this?” say,
“Why don’t you and I work on this together?”
As long as neither spouse will take the first step to give up what they
want, strife will continue. When one is willing to give in for the good of
the group, then a start has been made toward resolving the problem.
When both are willing to give in for the good of the group, then the
solution definitely will be found.

The husband has the final say, but he must not just do what he
wants. He must put aside his own desires and do what is best for the
group. The wife must not insist on what she wants, but must give in and
submit to the husband’s decisions.
[1 John 4:9,19; Acts 20:35; Luke 10:25-37]

Discuss the Problem
Be Willing to Discuss.
Sometimes a spouse becomes so angry that he/she refuses to talk.
Some men think they have the right to just make a decision without
discussion.
The husband should be willing to consider his wife’s views.
Ephesians 5:25ff — The husband is head as Jesus is head of the
church. But God listens to our requests in prayer (Phil. 4:6f).
Ephesians 5:28,29 — The husband should love his wife as he does
his own body, but the body communicates its needs so the head can
make decisions according to what is best.
James 1:19 — Every man should be swift to hear, slow to speak,
slow to anger.
1 Peter 3:7 — The husband is to treat his wife with understanding.
But since men are not mind readers, this requires listening to the wife’s
views.
When a man has the attitude that he does not need to discuss with
his wife about decisions that affect her, he shows a general
misunderstanding of Scripture. But when serious problems exist in the
home, that approach can be even more dangerous. Serious problems can
be resolved only when both spouses are willing to communicate about
the problem.
[Cf. Matt. 7:12.]
If sin is involved, both parties are commanded to discuss.
Luke 17:3,4 — The one who believes the other has sinned, must
rebuke him. Why wouldn’t that apply to sin in the home as well as
elsewhere? [Lev. 19:17,18; Matt. 18:15; Prov. 27:5,6]
Matthew 5:23,24 — One who has been accused of sin must be
willing to talk to seek reconciliation. Again, why would that not apply in
the home?
Note that the person who believes he has been wronged and the
person who is accused of doing wrong are both obligated to discuss the

matter. If conflict in the home is to be resolved, it must begin by
discussion. “Clamming up” is not an option.
Note, however, that proper timing of when to discuss is also
important. Discussing in front of the kids or when one of you is
extremely angry may not be good. If so, don’t just “clam up” or stalk out
of the room and refuse to discuss. Instead, agree to discuss the matter
later, and set a time when you will discuss it. Make an
appointment and keep it!
This does not mean that matters must be discussed endlessly. As we
will consider later, steps must be found whereby the issue will be
resolved. But both must be willing to discuss in order to determine what
caused the problem and to find a solution.
[Matt. 18:15-17; Prov. 10:17; Gal. 6:1; Prov. 13:18; 15:31,32; 29:1;
25:12; 9:8; 12:1]
Speak to Resolve the Problem,
Not to Hurt One Another.
Matthew 5:24 — The goal is to be reconciled, not to hurt people.
Often we are willing to talk, but only for the purpose of getting our
way or raking our spouse over the coals. We seek to win a victory, prove
the other person wrong, etc. The purpose ought to be to find a Scriptural
resolution. [Lev. 19:18]
Romans 12:17,19-21 — Don’t repay evil for evil or seek vengeance,
but return good for evil. Sometimes a couple starts out trying to resolve
a problem, but one insults the other, then the other returns an insult.
Soon the goal becomes to see who can hurt the other person worst.
Too many discussions end up being quarrels, because we let the
problem become an occasion to attack one another. Instead, we
should work together to attack the problem. Discuss the problem to
solve the problem, not to hurt one another’s feelings.
When bringing up a problem, introduce it objectively then maintain
focus on the specific problem. “Honey, there’s a problem we need to talk
about…” Don’t enlarge the problem to attack the character of the other
person. Avoid “You’re just selfish, that’s all,” or “Why can’t you be like
so-and-so’s wife?” or “You’re just like your mother!” or “Why do you
always have to ...?”
Listen to Your Spouse’s Viewpoint.
A “discussion” requires both listening and talking. In practice,
however, many spouses only want to express their own views.
James 1:19 — Let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to
wrath. Don’t enter the discussion assuming the other person has no valid
reasons for his view. We should be quickly willing to listen, and slow to
present our views, especially when we are angry.
Suggestion: Begin the discussion by asking your spouse to
explain his/her view. Do not begin by attacking the position you

assume they hold and defending your own view. Begin by asking
questions honestly designed to help you understand what they think.
“Could you explain to me why you did it that way?” “Have you considered
doing it like this?” Maybe they have considered your idea and have some
valid reasons for preferring another approach.
Do not dominate the discussion. Let the other person express
his/her views. Do you appreciate it when others just attack your views
but refuse to listen to what you have to say? “Love your neighbor as
yourself,” and practice the golden rule (Matt. 7:12).
Honestly Discuss the Evidence.
John 7:24 – “Do not judge according to appearance, but judge with
righteous judgment.”
Honestly seek to learn the facts of what happened.
Maybe the other person did not do what you thought they did. Ask
for the reasons why the other person holds his/her view. Maybe they
have reasons that you have not considered.
Then present evidence for your view. Don’t just make charges and
accusations. Don’t jump to conclusions or assign motives. If you don’t
have proof, then ask questions. But don’t make accusations unless
you have proof. Recognize an obligation to prove what you say or else
don’t say it!
Matthew 18:16 — By the mouth of two or three witnesses every word
may be established (Acts 24:13). Do not consider your spouse guilty of
wrongdoing until the evidence is clear. Do not condemn them on the
basis of opinion and flimsy appearances, when you would not want them
to condemn you on that basis.
2 Timothy 3:16,17 — The Scriptures must guide us in matters of
right and wrong. They will judge us in the last day (John 12:48). If there
are Bible principles relating to the subject, study them together.
Volume does not constitute proof.
Sometimes one or both spouses will try to get his/her way by talking
loudly, talking long, bringing a matter up over and over and over, or
repeatedly interrupting the other. The result amounts to intimidation,
browbeating, bullying, or nagging. We attempt to win by wearing the
other person down, frightening them, or making them miserable, so we
hope they give in.
Matthew 6:7 – Some people “think they will be heard for their many
words.” God does not answer prayer for such people, so why should we
just accept what they say?
Proverbs 21:9 – It is better to dwell in a corner of a housetop than
in a house shared with a contentious woman.
Proverbs 19:13 – The contentions of a woman are a continual
dripping. A form of Chinese torture was to have drops of water

repeatedly drip on a man’s forehead. That is how Scripture describes
nagging.
Proverbs 10:19 – In the multitude of words sin is not lacking, but he
who restrains his lips is wise.
Just because you can talk longer and louder than others does not
prove you are right! Both spouses must be willing to listen and to speak
honestly to resolve the problem.
[Proverbs 20:3; 21:19; 17:27]
Honestly Examine Your Own Conduct, Motives, Etc.
Consider honestly the possibility that you may have been wrong, or
that you may at least have contributed to the problem. Do not just find
fault with your mate. Perhaps you can improve.
Genesis 3:12,13 — When the first married couple sinned, God
confronted them. The man blamed the woman and the woman blamed
the serpent. Both had been wrong, but neither was willing to
admit their wrong. That is typical. Even when we are guilty, we want
others to bear or share the blame — “Look what he/she did!”
Proverbs 28:13 — He who covers his sins will not prosper, but
whoever confesses and forsakes them will have mercy. When a family
has serious problems, almost invariably there is sin, but the guilty one(s)
refuses to admit it, blames others, rationalizes, etc. [2 Cor. 13:5]
Pride keeps us from recognizing and admitting our guilt. Most
people, when studying a topic like this one, can think of lots of points
that apply to their spouses, but what about you? (Interesting how many
people, after hearing a lesson on subjects like this, will respond that their
spouse really needed to hear that lesson! It may have been said in humor,
but are we examining ourselves?)
Honesty and humility leads us to seek the truth and admit whatever
errors we have made. And remember, even if we are not convinced we
caused a problem, love leads us to be willing to get involved and help
solve it.
[1 Thess. 5:21; Psa. 32:3,5; Gal. 6:1]
Be Patient and Control Your Temper.
1 Corinthians 13:4 — Love is patient. Often we become easily upset
when a matter is not quickly resolved. Resolving some problems may
take a long time, with gradual improvement. Don’t give up. Don’t expect
that you or your spouse will change overnight. Give it time. [Rom. 2:7;
Gal. 6:7-9; 2 Thess. 3:5].
Proverbs 18:13 — To answer a matter before we have heard it is
foolish. Sometimes we are ready to judge a matter before we have
thought it through. Don’t make snap decisions.
Don’t think that you must reach a final decision the first time a
matter is brought up. Take time for both you and your spouse to think
through what has been discussed. If your initial discussion doesn’t lead

to a solution, ask for time to think about it. Make a commitment to
discuss it again later. You are more likely to reach a rational conclusion,
and your spouse will know you have taken the matter seriously.
Proverbs 15:1 — A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word
stirs up anger. Don’t allow your temper to make you lose your objectivity
and resort to hurting the other person. Anger is not necessarily sinful,
but it must be controlled so it doesn’t lead us into sin [Eph. 4:26; James
1:19,20].

Be Reconciled
The goal is, not just to talk endlessly nor simply to vent frustrations,
but to resolve the problem. You should seek to determine a plan of
action whereby the problem ceases to alienate you. This involves
several principles.
Compromise or Overlook Differences of Viewpoint,
Where Possible.
Scriptures
1 Corinthians 13:4,5 — Love suffers long and is kind. Love is not
selfish.
Ephesians 4:2,3 – We should be longsuffering and bear with one
another. Every couple will find in one another characteristics that we
would like to change; but either they cannot be changed, or it is not
worth the trouble it would cause to try to change them. Sin must not be
overlooked, but if there is no sin and the person does things we just don’t
like, then love will not push personal desires to the point of alienation.
Learn to overlook these matters without bitterness.
Proverbs 29:11 – A fool vents all his feelings, but a wise man holds
them back. Some people brag about how “I say just what I think.” It
never occurs to them that some things are better left unsaid. Other
people speak without thinking of the consequences. Some opinions and
some characteristics and some differences are just not important enough
to cause conflict about.
Romans 14 — Even some spiritual decisions are matters of personal
judgment, not matters of sin. If you cannot prove your spouse has
committed sin, do not imply he/she has been guilty.
James 3:17 – Wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable
and willing to yield. Christians want peace with those around them,
especially in their own families. Purity must come first – we do not
overlook sin. But when a matter is not sinful, seek a peaceable resolution.
We should want the conflict to end, even if we have to give up our own
desires to achieve it.
[Matthew 5:9; Romans 12:17-21; 1 Peter 3:11]

Applications
“Choose your battles.” Don’t just complain over everything your
spouse does that irritates you. Decide how serious an issue really is. Is it
worth the conflict and disagreement that may result? If not, just drop it.
But if you choose this course, then do not be bitter or resentful.
Be willing to compromise - give and take — as long as no Bible
conviction is violated. Seek a middle-ground solution. “I’ll give in here,
if you’ll give in there.” Or, “Let’s do it your way this time, and then next
time we’ll do it my way.” Some people do this in matters of Biblical right
or wrong; however, we will see that we must not compromise regarding
sin. But simple differences of view are another matter.
Our family used to have a lot of conflict over what movie to watch
on family nights or what restaurant to eat at on trips. We found the
solution: take turns. This time it is one person’s turn, next time another
person’s turn, etc. There is no arguing. Each person knows he/she will
get his turn but will also have to agree without fussing when it is
someone else’s turn. “Well, we would just argue about whose turn it is!”
Then write it down – keep a record.
Perhaps, in some matter, you will end up each going separate ways
and doing separate things.
Remember to consider ways you can become involved
and help your spouse do a job better. Instead of just sitting back
and criticizing, discuss what you can do to help your spouse deal with a
problem. [Acts 15:36-40]
However, if one has been guilty of sin, then another approach must
be taken.
Repent of Sin.
Start by examining yourself.
Instead of blaming your spouse for every problem, consider your
own conduct before you criticize his or hers.
2 Corinthians 13:5 – Examine yourselves as to whether you are in
the faith. Prove yourselves. If a problem involves accusation of sin, we
are obligated before God to consider our own guilt. Remember, guilt is
determined by Scripture, not by our opinions or those or our spouse.
Matthew 7:3-5 – Do not just consider the speck in another person’s
eye, but first remove the plank from your own eye. Otherwise, you are a
hypocrite, criticizing others for error, when you are just as guilty or
worse.
Most of us are experts at minimizing our error while maximizing
the “errors” of others. “Well, maybe I did make a mistake, but look what
you did!” My errors are “mistakes,” but yours are big, black sins!
Most of us know we should not think this way regarding
relationships outside the home, but why shouldn’t the same be true at

home? If I am wrong to criticize others when I too am guilty, then should
I not correct my faults at home as well as in other relationships?
Recognize your errors and humbly determine to change.
Acts 8:22 — If one or both have sinned, the Bible says to repent and
pray for forgiveness. Why should sins in the family be any different?
2 Corinthians 7:10 – Godly sorrow works repentance unto salvation.
Repentance is a decision and commitment to change. We must
recognize we have been wrong and agree to do right. If sin is the cause
of our problems, we will never correct our marriage until we repent.
One lesson I learned the hard way (though maybe not yet as well as
I need to learn it) is that the first step to solving a difference with
someone else is to recognize and admit where I have been wrong. I need
to “clean my slate” first, then I can help the other person with any
corrections they need to make.
[Luke 13:3; Acts 17:30; 2 Pet. 3:9]
Apologize for Sin (Confess It).
Luke 17:3,4 — If we have sinned, we must say, “I repent.”
Sometimes we realize we were wrong, but we are too proud to admit it.
Until we do so, those whom we have wronged cannot know we have
repented. But that’s not all.
Matthew 5:23,24 — When we have wronged someone, we must go
to them and make it right, or God will not accept our worship. Note it:
God does not accept my worship if I refuse to correct the wrongs I have
done to others. We know this applies in other relationships; why not in
the home? Have you made right the wrongs you have done to your
family?
James 5:16 — We must confess our sins one to another. Sometimes
the most difficult people to apologize to are the ones closest to us. We
think if we admit error, they will lose respect for us. This is simply pride.
But love is not puffed up (1 Cor. 13:4).
Or we think they are as much or more to blame than we are, so we
expect them to admit their error first, then maybe we will admit ours.
But God commands you to admit and confess your sin, whether or not
your spouse ever admits sin. If you are guilty of sin and don’t confess it,
you stand condemned before God! Is it really worth it to persist in your
stubborn pride when the result is that you stand guilty before your
Creator and will give account in the day of judgment?
whoever confesses and forsakes them will have mercy.
So, don’t say, “I’ll apologize if he/she will.” I have seen cases where
people in obvious sin would grudgingly admit error so long as everybody
else – or at least somebody else – would apologize too. They think they
can save face, because other people had to admit error. If I repent only
on condition that other people repent, is that real repentance?

My confession must come from repentance and my repentance
must come from godly sorrow. If I am truly sorry, then I must repent and
confess whether or not anyone else does so. If I sinned, God commands
me to say, “I repent” - no conditions on what others do. No “I’ll repent if
he repents.” If I don’t repent and confess, I remain in sin. If I say I will
leave my sin only if other people will leave their sin, is that real
repentance? If I really am sorry and repent, I won’t be the last to
apologize, and people won’t have to bargain with me. I will willingly be
the first to apologize!
Confessions should be specific. Don’t minimize, make excuses,
blame shift, or recriminate. Even if you are convinced your spouse is
wrong too, honestly admit your own error and correct it. Don’t try to save
face. Don’t demand that other people forgive you. Don’t instruct them
on how they ought to treat you. Just humbly apologize. Then later,
perhaps at some other time, discuss the errors you believe they need to
correct.
Pray for Forgiveness.
Acts 8:22 — Peter told Simon to repent and pray for forgiveness. If
we have sinned, we must confess, not just to our spouse, but also to God.
1 John 1:9 — He is faithful to forgive us if we confess our sins.
Some of us let our pride keep us from admitting our sins, not only
to our spouse, but also to God! God says to confess our sins or we remain
in sin! When you have sinned, do you humbly confess it to God and to
your spouse? [Matt. 6:12; Psa. 32:5]
Forgive One Another.
Time and again I have seen couples that have fought so long that
one of them decides he or she will not forgive again, no matter what the
spouse does or says. They may grieve for years about some error their
spouse committed. Finally, the spouse humbly apologizes and asks
forgiveness and they say, “I have put up with this so long, I just can’t
forgive him/her.”
Luke 17:3,4 — When one has sinned against us and confesses, we
must forgive, even seven times a day if necessary. Love forgives as often
as is needed.
Matthew 18:21-35 adds that we must forgive 70 times 7 – i.e.,
without limit.
Colossians 3:13 — We must forgive the way God forgives. How do
we want God to forgive us? Do we want Him to say, “I’ve forgiven you
enough already. I don’t care how sorry you are or how hard you try, I
won’t forgive”? Do we want Him to say He forgives, but then keep
bringing it up again and using it as a weapon against us?
Matthew 6:12,14,15 – If we refuse to forgive others, God will simply
not forgive us. Does this apply just outside the family? Why don’t these
principles apply in the family as well as in other relationships?

Illustration: When Indian tribes made peace, they would symbolize
it by burying a hatchet (tomahawk). The point was that everybody knew
where it was, but nobody would go dig it up and use it to hurt the others.
So forgiveness does not mean we are no longer aware the thing
happened. It means we will not bring it up again to hurt the other person
with it.
Proverbs 10:12 — Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all sins.
How is your family? Do you love one another enough to admit your
errors and then to really forgive like you want God to forgive you?
[Matt. 5:7]
Seek Help (If Necessary)
The procedure we have described will resolve most serious family
problems, if we really love one another and are willing to obey God. But
what if there clearly is sin in a family and the above procedure has been
tried, but the problem remains? The Bible tells us to get help from other
Christians.
Talk to one or two faithful Christians.
Galatians 6:2 — Bear one another’s burdens. Our first source of help
should be other Christians. Some are too embarrassed to have others
find out about their problems, but one of the first steps to overcoming a
problem is to admit we have it.
James 5:16 — Confess your faults to one another and pray for one
another. Sometimes other Christians have had experience dealing with
a problem and can give the Scripture or application that we need. Surely
they can pray for us.
Sometimes, if they seek help at all, Christians will go to a counselor
or psychiatrist who is not even a true Christian. Why should Christians
with spiritual problems - especially sin problems - seek help first from
counselors who do not truly follow Scripture? Many counselors
complicate problems instead of solving them. In any case, if the problem
is sin, who can help solve it better than other Christians?
Follow Matthew 18:15-17.
If your brother sins against you, first discuss it privately with him.
But if this does not resolve it, get help. Take one or two other Christians
with you.
Many think this passage does not apply to family problems, but why
not? It discusses cases where one Christian sins against another. Where
does this, or similar passages, exclude family members from the
application? Most of the Scriptures we have cited in this study have been
general in application, not specifically regarding the family, yet we can
all see they would apply to the family. Why is that not the case with this
verse? [Cf. 1 Cor. 6:1-11]
We would hope that the help of one or two other Christians would
solve the problem; but if it does not, then the Bible says to take the

matter before the congregation. Perhaps the involvement of the whole
church will bring the guilty party to his senses.
If even this does not solve the problem, then the one who is clearly
in sin must be withdrawn from. [2 Thess. 3:15; 1 Cor. 5; etc.]
This is not to say we should run to the church with every personal
problem. Nor should we be quick to pursue such a course. We should be
patient and give abundant opportunity for correction before such
measures. But if sin is clearly involved and private efforts do not lead to
repentance, God gives a pattern for proceeding. In far too many cases,
sin continues in our families and we continue to suffer, because we are
too proud or too foolish to pursue the Scriptural course for seeking help.
Develop and Carry Out a Plan to Correct the Problem.
Many marriage problems are deep-rooted, have continued for a
long time, or have caused serious harm. Some spouses confess the same
old sin over and over, then they go back and commit the same sin again
and again. They never make specific provision to change. They seem to
think that all they need to do is to admit the wrong from time to time and
people should overlook it without requiring specific commitment
regarding how the person intends to change.
whoever confesses and forsakes them will have mercy. No matter how
often we confess a problem, it is not truly resolved until we change our
conduct!
Matthew 21:28-31 — Jesus described a son who did not do what his
father said. When he repented, he had to do what he failed to do. When
we repent of wrongs, we must work to make sure they are not repeated.
For long-standing habits, change will require planning and effort. [Cf.
Eph. 4:25-32; Matt. 12:43-45]
Acts 26:20 — One who repents must bring forth “fruits of
repentance” or do “works worthy of repentance” (Luke 3:8-14; Matt.
3:8). This includes making sure that we do not repeat the wrong in the
future. But it also includes doing what we can to overcome the harm
caused by our wrong deeds of the past. [Cf. Ezek. 33:14,15; 1 Sam. 12:3;
Philemon. 10-14,18,19; Luke 19:8]
When a couple has long-standing and deep-seated problems,
resolution must include a mutual agreement about what they specifically
intend to do differently in the future to change the conduct. They need a
specific program or plan of action, perhaps even one that is
written down.
Alternative courses of action should be discussed. Ways each spouse
can help the other should be agreed upon. Agreements should include
exactly what each partner will do differently in the future. Preferably,
these should be stated in a way that allows for progress to be obvious or
measurable — it should be evident when the changes are (or are not)

being carried out. Then the couple should made specific commitments
or promises to one another to carry out these actions.
James 5:12 — But let your “Yes,” be “Yes,” and your “No,” “No.”
When we make commitments to one another, we must mean what we
say and then must carry out our commitments. We must make the
changes we promised to make and fulfill the plan of action we agreed
upon. [Rom. 1:31,32; 2 Cor. 8:11]
Conclusion
Our homes were intended by God to be a great blessing to us, and
specifically to help us serve Him faithfully and receive eternal life. But I
am convinced that many people – including people that know how to
treat other people in other relationships – will be lost right in their own
homes, because of how they treat their spouses and children.
But the Scriptures provide us to all good works, including how to
solve problems in our homes. There is no need for couples, both of whom
profess to be Christians, to live year after year with serious alienation
between them. Even less is there excuse for divorce, simply because
couples have “irreconcilable differences.” The result simply causes
increased pain and grief to the couple, to their children, to the church,
and to all who know them.
There is hope for troubled marriages. We can solve our problems
God’s way. If we do not do so, we have no one to blame but ourselves.
What about your home and your marriage? Do you need to make
changes? Do you need to begin by receiving forgiveness of your sins and
becoming a child of God? If you have done that, are you living faithfully
in your home and in all your relationships?

Seven Keys to Raising
Godly Children
Introduction
Why this study is needed
Despite the fact that families in our society have material
possessions unknown to previous generations, the fact is that many
families face incredible conflict and hardship. These include:
* Divorce – Our society has reached the point that marriages are
more likely to end by divorce than by death. (James Dobson letter,
11/99)
* Crime – In a recent 25-year period, the arrest rate among
juveniles nearly tripled. (Bennett, p. 4)
* Government dependence – Recent statistics show that more
than one child in eight was raised on government welfare. (Bennett, p.
5)
* Births to unmarried women – In a recent thirty-year period,
the number of children born outside marriage increased by a factor of
five. (Bennett, p. 9)
* Single-parent families – More than 1/3 of all children now do
not live with their biological father. (Dobson letter)
* Suicide – In a recent 30-year period, the suicide rate among
teens more than tripled. (Bennett, p. 12)
Many families do not have these problems, but the evidence shows
that parent-child relationships are facing increasing hardships.
And Christians are by no means immune. In nearly every
congregation, at least half the young people end up not serving God
faithfully.
The subject of raising children deserves careful study.

Why you need to study this subject, regardless of who you
are
* Are you a parent? Surely, you need to study about raising
children.
* Are you a young person, not yet married? Someday almost
surely you will be a parent or will work with children in some capacity
(teacher, counselor, etc.). The time to prepare for an important task is
before it begins. Why do young people go to school? They are being
trained to prepare for future responsibilities in life. Likewise, the best
time to begin preparing for parenthood is before you become a parent.
* Are you an older person with grown children or no children?
You need to teach others God’s will, including teaching about parental
duties.
Titus 2:3-5 – Older women must be teachers of good things.
Especially they must teach young women their duties as wives and
mothers.
Acts 20:27 – All Christians should teach “the whole counsel of God.”
That includes Bible teaching about parenthood.
So if you have children or ever will have them - and even if you don’t
have them - as a Christian you need to know God’s will about raising
children. You need this study!
Our purpose is to learn how parents can raise children
successfully despite the problems we face.
The foundational principle of these studies is that God’s
word provides the best way to raise children.
Proverbs 22:6 — Train up a child in the way he should go, and when
he is old he will not depart from it. Despite the pressures that surround
your family, by following God’s word you can raise children who serve
God faithfully.
Bible principles about child raising are so critical that we will refer
to them as the “keys” to success. We will consider them under seven
headings. So, “Seven Keys to Raising Godly Children.”
Note: I do not claim perfection or expertise. I made many mistakes.
Fortunately, my children have overcome most of them, and I hope they
will be better parents than I was. Perhaps you can benefit from my
mistakes. In any case, the standard to which we will appeal as our
ultimate authority is God’s word.
As in other areas, God’s word includes general teachings
and specific teachings.
God told Noah to “make” an ark of “gopher wood” (Gen. 6:14). Noah
had to abide within the instructions God specified (such as “gopher
wood”), but he had his choice of many tools or methods that would
constitute “making” an ark.

Likewise, God teaches us to take the Lord’s Supper on the first day
of the week (Acts 20:7). That restricts us to the specified day, but by
general authority we are free to decide what time on the first day of the
week.
So also, when God states a principle regarding raising children, we
must act within the teaching of that principle. Yet, in areas of general
principles, different families may apply those principles differently and
still be following God’s word.
And in this study I may give advice that harmonizes with Bible
principles, but that may not be the only way to apply them. But whatever
we do must fit God’s rules. If what we say or do disagrees with God’s
rules, then we are disagreeing, not with people, but with God.
So, let’s consider together Seven Keys for Raising Godly Children.
[See the end of the study for sources cited and abbreviations used.]

Key #1: Purpose
No one can succeed in any task without focusing clearly on his goal.
Imagine a baseball team that becomes so wrapped up in their
beautiful uniforms, beautiful ballpark, and making commercial
endorsements that they neglect to win ballgames. Uniforms and a
ballpark are helpful — even commercials may be all right — but the
players must remember their goal is to win games!
So, parents must keep their goals clearly in mind. What do you
consider to be your goal as a parent? When your life ends, how will you
measure whether you have been a success or a failure as a parent?
Parents Must Set Goals.
Parents must have proper goals, and must work diligently toward
those goals. Whether you like it or not, if you have children you are
responsible to raise those children properly.
Too many parents simply don’t want to accept their responsibility
as parents. They expect others to raise their children: the government,
schools, church, babysitters, day-care centers, or friends and relatives.
Meanwhile the parents pursue other interests.
Some fathers leave the children to the mothers to raise (or vice
versa). Some parents forsake their children by divorce or desertion.
Some spend too much time away from home pursuing other interests.
Some simply don’t bother. How does God view such conduct?
You Brought These Children into the World.
When you participated in the act that produces children – even if
you did not intend to conceive, nevertheless, if you chose to participate
in the reproductive act - then you are responsible for any child that
results. Your children did not ask to come here. You brought them here.
Now it’s your job to take care of them.

The government did not bring your child into this world. You did.
So, don’t expect the government to raise your child. Likewise, for the
church, the schools, the day-care center, and your parents or relatives –
none of them brought your children into this world. You brought them
here; now you take care of them. Caring for them properly must be your
goal.
God Holds You Responsible for Raising Your Children.
Titus 2:4 – Young women should be taught to love their children.
Love requires caring for them, not deserting or neglecting them. This is
something that can and must be learned. Women who do not learn it will
cause God’s word to be blasphemed (v5).
Ephesians 6:4 – Fathers are commanded to bring their children up
in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. You cannot leave this up to
others, including your wife (though, of course, she is responsible too).
You are responsible. You have no right to shirk this duty or try to shift it
to others.
Genesis 18:19 – God approved of Abraham, because he commanded
his children to keep the way of the Lord. He did not leave this duty up to
others.
1 Samuel 3:12-14 — On the other hand, when Eli’s sons became
corrupt, God held Eli accountable. God rebuked Eli, not the schools or
the government or even just Eli’s wife.
Parents, you must accept the goal of raising your children properly
and must diligently work toward that goal. You must not leave this to
others.
Some Goals Are Proper but Are Not

the Main Goal.
Parents May Have Various Goals in Raising Children.

Some parents emphasize misguided or unimportant goals, such as
physical beauty, athletic achievement, popularity, etc. But there are
other goals that are really proper goals for parents to pursue for their
children:
* We should meet our children’s physical needs.
* We should provide a good education.
* We should prepare them for life, so they can have a happy
marriage and be good citizens and neighbors.
* We may even provide some recreation, entertainment, and
enjoyment.

1 Timothy 5:8 — If any does not provide for his own, and especially
for his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an
unbeliever.
Christians should provide wholesome benefits for our children
(Matt. 7:9-11).
But None of These Constitutes
the Primary Goal of Parents.
Many parents are too concerned about physical pursuits.
Luke 12:15 — Jesus said, “Take heed and beware of covetousness,
for one’s life does not consist in the abundance of the things he
possesses.” He then told of a man who obtained great wealth but
neglected God (vv 16-21). When the man died, what good did his wealth
do him?
Matthew 16:26 — What is a man profited if he gains the whole world
and loses his own soul? Likewise, what profit are we to our children if we
give them all the world has to offer, but they are eternally lost?
Many parents work long hours to provide their children physical
things, but they are so busy working that they neglect to give their
children time and attention.
Other parents spend many hours with their children in physical
pursuits: sports, clubs, school functions, music, etc. They are constantly
on the run, but the emphasis is material, physical, and social.
I know one lady in the church whose daughter was named high
school homecoming queen. The mother said this was the most wonderful
thing that ever happened to her. When success in temporal things is our
greatest joy, why should we expect our children to care about serving
God! And sure enough, that woman’s daughter never became a
Christian.
The result of these approaches is exactly what we see in society:
children who have hosts of physical advantages but are neither godly nor
happy.
On the other hand, many “poor” families are highly
successful.
I have known families with one old car, no TV, 4-room house, plain
clothes, and just a basic education. But the children knew God’s will, had
close family ties, and grew up serving God faithfully.
Many children today are spoiled by over-providing. They don’t
appreciate what they are given and grow up thinking the world owes
them a living.
Deuteronomy 18:10 — “There shall not be found among you anyone
who makes his son or his daughter pass through the fire…” Most of us
would not think of sacrificing a child to an idol. But covetousness is
idolatry (Col. 3:5). Too many parents over-emphasize material pursuits:
possessions, toys, education, popularity, beauty, sports, etc.

Unknowingly, such parents are sacrificing their children to the idols of
covetousness and worldliness.
The Main Goal Is to Train Children

to Serve God So They Can
Receive Eternal Life.
Consider God’s Goals for Parents.

Proverbs 22:6 — Train up a child in the way he should go, and
when he is old he will not depart from it. You and I as parents will not
always be around to guide our children’s decisions. We must instill in
them the understanding and habit of doing right, so they will serve God
when they make their own decisions.
Ephesians 6:4 — Bring your children up in the training and
admonition of the Lord.
Genesis 18:19 — Abraham commanded his children to keep the
way of the Lord, to do righteousness and justice. This should be the
goal of all fathers who are truly faithful to God.
Psalms 34:11 — Come, you children, listen to me; I will teach you
the fear of the Lord. To accomplish this, we must give our children
many things money cannot buy: time, love, instruction in God’s word,
guidance in dealing with life’s problems, an example of godliness, and
training in moral purity.
Joshua 24:15 — Joshua declared, “As for me and my house, we will
serve the Lord.” We should keep this goal constantly before us. With
each decision we should ask, “What effect will this have on my child’s
eternal destiny?”
Malachi 2:15 — What does God seek when He joins a man and
woman in marriage? He seeks godly offspring.
Our children were not given us to do with as we please. They are not
our property. They are God’s children given into our care, so we can raise
them to be what He wants them to be.
Suppose our children grow up, get good jobs, have happy marriages,
and are good neighbors and citizens, but do not live as faithful
Christians. Then they are failures, and we have failed to accomplish our
purpose as parents.
On the other hand, suppose our children don’t receive college
educations, live below middle-class American standards, and are not
particularly athletic or outwardly beautiful, but they serve God faithfully.
If so, they are successes, and we have been successful parents.

Throughout these studies our goal will be to emphasize principles
that will help parents lead their children to put God first in life. We are
studying how to raise godly children.
[Deut. 4:10; 6:7ff; 11:18ff; Tit. 1:6; Psa. 78:4ff; Jer. 32:39; 2 Tim.
3:15; Matt. 19:13ff]
Consider Then the Seriousness of This Responsibility.
Your choices as a parent may determine your children’s
eternal destiny.
Proverbs 23:13,14 – Do not withhold correction from a child. You
shall beat him with a rod and deliver his soul from hell.
Proverbs 22:6 — Train up a child in the way he should go, and when
he is old he will not depart from it.
Because so many children do not turn out well, people
frequently emphasize that there are exceptions to this
passage.
I believe that a diligent study of proverbs shows that many of them
do have exceptions [20:28; 21:2; 22:7,11]. To say there are no exceptions
to Prov. 22:6 would imply that the eternal destiny of children can be
totally determined by parents, leaving the children without free will.
When children do not turn out well, we should all surely
sympathize. The parents need to consider if they made mistakes. If they
did, they should repent and ask forgiveness. What parents don’t make
mistakes?
But the fact remains that Proverbs 22:6 is a general
statement of truth!
It is written to give parents confidence that, if they follow God’s
word, they can raise children to serve God and be saved! In our effort to
console the parents of ungodly children, let us take care that we don’t
give the impression that raising godly children is nearly impossible.
I know a preacher who said repeatedly, “Every family has a black
sheep.” What passage teaches that? None! But he believed it, and sure
enough he raised two “black sheep.” If you think you cannot raise godly
children, you are defeated before you start!
Regardless of occasional exceptions, the rule is that, if we
do our job right, our children will be saved.
The fact so many people want to talk about the exceptions to the
passage reveals much about the problems in the Lord’s church. We are
losing the majority of children, and there is no way the verse can justify
that!
Instead of making excuses, let us just admit that many parents are
not doing their job well. Let us learn from our mistakes and start
studying God’s word to find out how to do it right!

“Wouldn’t it be terrible to have a child who was born with a serious
physical or mental handicap or who died young?” Yes. But how infinitely
worse to know my child faces torment in a Devil’s hell! I cannot imagine
any more terrible tragedy that could happen to one of my children. And
I may very well determine whether or not that happens.
Your choices as a parent may determine your own eternal
destiny!
1 Samuel 3:12-14 — Note that Eli himself was rejected for his
children’s sins, because he had failed as a parent! (Cf. 2:22-25).
Ecclesiastes 12:14 – God will bring every work into judgment, and
that includes our work as parents. When we stand before God to give
account for our lives, He will judge us for our diligence as parents.
My job as a parent is to raise my children to serve God throughout
this life and to be with Him in eternity. If I don’t get my priorities straight
so that I raise them to serve God first, He will hold me accountable.
To a large extent, your children’s destiny and your destiny
depend on whether or not you train your children as God’s word says.
Conclusion
Let us not make the mistake of the baseball team that forgot its real
purpose. Let us realize the seriousness of our responsibility as parents
and keep our eye on our goal. If we have gotten off the track and put too
much emphasis on temporal things, let us repent. And let us all accept
the challenge to raise godly children.
Philippians 4:13 – I can do all things through Christ who
strengthens me.

Key #2: Planning
When our children were small, L. A. Stauffer gave us this advice

about raising children: “Just keep thinking and you’ll be all right.” This
oversimplifies, but the point is that being a good parent requires thought
and planning.
The Importance of a Good Plan
Every Important Work Needs to Be Planned.

To succeed in any important, difficult endeavor, we must first
determine our goal. Then we must develop a plan for reaching our
goal.
Planning is important in everyday life.
* If a business is to succeed, it must have a goal and a plan for
reaching that goal.
* In building a house, one must have a blueprint to follow.
* Consider the years of planning needed to send a spaceship to the
moon.
Often we fail to reach our goals because we fail to develop a clear
plan for reaching them.
God planned His work:
Hebrews 8:5 – God had a plan for the tabernacle.
1 Peter 1:18-20 – God had a plan for our redemption before the
world began. [Eph. 1:7-9]
Ephesians 3:10,11 – The church was part of God’s eternal purpose.
Romans 8:28 – God purposed to call us to salvation (through the
gospel - 2 Thess. 2:13,14).
Our service to God requires planning.
Proverbs 14:22 – We receive mercy and truth if we devise (plan)
good.

Luke 14:26-33 – We must count the cost of discipleship before we
begin.
Psalms 17:3 – David purposed not to transgress with his mouth.
This was no accident. He planned it that way.
2 Corinthians 9:7 – We should even plan the amount we give to the
church.
Yet amazingly, hosts of parents, including members of the church,
enter into marriage and parenthood with very little thought, study, or
discussion about how they plan to succeed in raising their children. How
much time and effort have you and your spouse spent in discussing
exactly what rules and principles you will follow in raising your children?
[Acts 11:23; 1 Corinthians 14:33,40]
Satan has a plan for defeating our efforts to raise godly
children.
Ephesians 6:12 — We do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but
against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness
of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.
In particular, Satan is battling us for the control of our children.
When the children of Christians go astray, often the parents say, “I just
don’t understand what happened.” Often what happens is that powerful
forces are working against us that we either are not aware of or do not
deal with effectively.
1 Timothy 6:12 — Fight the good fight of faith, lay hold on eternal
life. Satan is determined to lead our children away from God. Parents
must realize that we are in a war with Satan for the salvation of our
children! To raise godly children, we must fight evil.
What army can win without a battle plan? We often lose our
children because we don’t recognize we are at war, so we have no plan
for the fight!
2 Corinthians 2:11 — Satan will take advantage of us, if we are
ignorant of his devices. Satan has devices – he has a plan! He knows
exactly what methods work best to lead our children into sin. He has
been using these methods successfully ever since Adam and Eve.
Do we really think we can defeat this wily, dangerous enemy
without having a battle plan of our own? We must be aware of the means
he uses to destroy our children’s faithfulness, then we must have a plan
for combating those influences.
Planning Is Required to Deal with Harmful Influences.
2 Corinthians 11:13-15 - Satan uses agents. He does not come
directly and announce his evil intents. He uses devious, deceitful agents.
Who are these agents? Consider:
Other than family and church, what are the greatest influences in
your children’s life?

Parade magazine asked teens what influences affected their value
systems. In 1960 the greatest influence was parents, then teachers, then
friends, then clergy, then counselors, and then popular heroes. In 1980
the same study determined that teens were influenced by: first friends,
then parents, then the media (TV, music, movies, etc.). (Why Knock
Rock? Peters, p. 96)
Peers
Children are born imitators. The desire to conform and be accepted
is one of the strongest influences they face. The way other people act,
dress, and talk is a powerful force that Satan uses.
1 Corinthians 15:33 — Do not be deceived: “Evil company corrupts
good habits.” But the fact is that many parents, including Christians, are
deceived. We let our children have close friends that are worldly,
irreligious, or immoral, yet somehow think our children will escape
harm.
Proverbs 13:20 — He who walks with wise men will be wise, but the
companion of fools will be destroyed. If our children run with “the wrong
crowd,” inevitably they and we will suffer the consequences.
Exodus 34:15,16 — One of the strongest areas of peer pressure
young people face relates to dating and choosing a marriage companion.
Marriage is the closest companionship there is, and dating leads to
marriage.
Children of Christians often become too intimate in dating
relationships. They face powerful temptations and soon fall into sin. Or
they “fall in love” or develop a close relationship with someone who is
not a Christian, and soon they compromise truth to please their
friend/spouse.
Time and again, Christians have lost their children to Satan through
the influence of friends. Do you have a plan for dealing with the influence
of your children’s friends? How can you raise godly children unless you
have a specific, effective plan for dealing with peer pressure?
School
Most of us realize that schools face serious problems. But how
serious?
A list of problems faced by children of Christian parents
I once asked a group of teens, who had been raised by Christian
parents, to list the problems they faced at school. Here is the substance
of their list:
* Lying
* Profanity, dirty jokes, etc. (students and teachers)
* Drinking
* Violence and fighting (students with students or with teachers)
* Immodesty, lack of dress codes
* Coed gym — immodest uniforms

* Smoking
* Peer pressure/bad crowds
* Drugs (7 of 8 students personally knew children who used drugs).
* Ridicule and making fun of children who are good or different
* Gossip, slander
* Cheating
* Stealing and vandalism
* Dancing
* Disrespect for teachers and parents
* False goals (popularity, wealth)
* Classes that justify evolution, abortion, homosexuality, situation
ethics, contraceptives, divorce, premarital sex, disrespect for parents,
etc.
* Reading assignments with immorality, violence, etc.
* Sexual promiscuity — petting at school, pregnant girls, children
talking openly about sexual relations, everyone expected to do it, etc.
* Schedule conflicts with church activities
Some problems in northern Illinois schools
In July, 2010, Teri Paulson from the Illinois Family Institute
reported the following problems in area schools:
* She saw posters on the walls of her son’s high school social studies
teacher (District 211): one of Malcolm X, three of Che Guevara, and
one of Chairman Mao. There were no posters of conservative men or
women.
* Glenbrook North High School spring musical had a cast of
characters that included a gay drag queen, a stripper, and a bi-sexual
performance artist.
* Wheeling High School student newspaper featured an article that
declared oral sex to be the "new romantic norm" for casual dating.
* Deerfield High School has a mandatory Freshman Advisory class
in which homosexual, bi-sexual, and transgender upperclassmen
discuss their sexual attractions with freshmen.
* Students in Glenbard North health classes were given a survey,
which asked them how they knew they were heterosexual if they had
never had a good same-sex lover?
* Beloved is required reading in many junior and senior English
classes. The very first chapter contains multiple references to men
engaging in sexual activity with cows.
* The Perks of Being a Wallflower is about the 'perks' of being a
voyeur to lots of teenagers having lots of sex. It is taught in many Illinois
high schools.
* Deerfield and Highland Park High Schools taught Angels in
America: A Gay Fantasia on National Themes whose cast of characters
includes a black, homosexual, drag queen nurse with a heart of gold, and
an Angel whose 'activities' would cause a porn star to blush.

Admittedly, these are extreme examples, but consider what kind of
teachers and administrators would even allow such materials, let alone
require them. What kind of environment would such schools be? Can
your children face such environments 8 or 9 hours a day for half the days
of the year for 13 or more of the most impressionable years of their lives
without consequence?
All the passages we studied about evil influences apply to these
situations. If “evil companions corrupt good morals,” how can
impressionable children face such an environment and maintain
godliness unless you have a plan for fighting these evils?
Entertainment: Television, movies, music, the Internet, and
computer games
Would you want your child to spend several hours every day with
good friends who continually attempted to persuade your child to accept
all the following practices?
* Drug and alcohol abuse
* The occult — witchcraft, Satanism, astrology, sorcery, etc.
* Oriental religions — Hinduism, Buddhism, reincarnation, etc.
* Violence, murder, suicide
* Sexual promiscuity — fornication, adultery, homosexuality,
immodesty, and even nudity
* Profanity, cursing, obscenity
* Rebellion against parents, government, God and the Bible
If “running with a bad crowd” can corrupt your child’s good morals,
how can they not be influenced by close relationships with such evils?
Yet, many children of Christians have friends who are just like we have
described. Consider just a few of those friends:
Television
The average American watches TV 50 hours per week — ten hours
more than the average workweek. (Bennett, p. 20)
A study of 58 hours of prime-time TV revealed: 5 rapes, 7
homosexual acts, 28 acts of prostitution, 41 examples of sexual relations
between unmarried people. But this study was in 1983! (Christian
Inquirer, 7 and 8/83)
It has been estimated that, by the time the average child reaches age
18, he will have witnessed more than 15,000 murders on TV or in
movies. (Bennett, p. 20)
In 1991 the National Coalition On Television Violence estimated
that, if TV violence had never been introduced, each year the US would
have 10,000 fewer murders, 70,000 fewer rapes, 1,000,000 fewer motor
vehicle thefts, 2,500,000 fewer burglaries, and 10,000,000 fewer acts of
larceny. Crime rates would be half what they are now. (Via Gospel
Anchor, 8/91, p. 17)

A study by the Rand Corp. reported in 2008 that pregnancies were
twice as common among adolescents who watched sexualized programs
regularly. The study's lead author said, "Our findings suggest that
television may play a significant role in the high rates of teenage
pregnancy in the United States.”
Movies
Many Christians think nothing of letting children attend PG or PG-
13 movies. Here is a survey of the contents of PG and PG-13 movies in
1988:
Nearly 1/4 have the “f-word.”
61% take God’s name in vain.
71% contain vulgar references to excretion, intercourse, or genitals.
50% imply sexual intercourse.
13% show intercourse.
30% show explicit nudity.
75% include moderate or severe violence.
74% depict alcohol or drug abuse (via Citizen, 1/89)
In 1992 Newsweek reported a survey of moral views of 104 top TV
writers and executives. Here are the results compared to the views of the
average American (and we have added the views of faithful Christians):
* Believe that adultery is wrong: Hollywood 45%, Americans in
general 85%, (Christians 100%).
* Believe homosexual acts are wrong: Hollywood 20%, Americans
76%, (Christians 100%).
* Believe in a woman’s right to an abortion: Hollywood 97%,
Americans 59%, (Christians 0%).
* Have no religious affiliation: Hollywood 45%, Americans 4%,
(Christians 0%). (Via Citizen, 9/21/92)
No wonder movies and TV are ungodly!
Modern music
On the average, “teens listen to 10,500 hours of [music] between 7-
12 grades … just 500 hours less than the total time they spend in school
over 12 years” (US News and World Report, 10/28/85, pp. 46-49; via.
Gary Fiscus). Consider the problems in modern music:
* Drugs
“…the rock scene is permeated by the values and practices of the
drug culture. … Since the [mid-sixties] many rock lyrics have had drug
overtones.
“Rock concerts pose an additional problem … In many cities, drugs
are sold and used openly at these concerts; no real attempt is made to
enforce either the drug or the alcohol laws. Rest rooms in public concert
halls are often cluttered with children as young as 11 who are getting
high, vomiting, or shaking from unpredictable drug and alcohol effects.

Most parents are unaware of all this” (Parents, Peers, and Pot, Marsha
Manatt, US Dept. of Health and Human Services, pp. 24,25).
* Violence
Surveys by the National Coalition on Television Violence reveal that
over 50% of rock videos feature or suggest violence. (“Violent Videos: a
Close Look at MTV,” Miller, Christianity, 4/85, p. 24). One coalition
survey revealed that MTV (music video channel) showed an average of
18 violent incidents per hour (Peters, p. 40).
* Sexual immorality
Consider the following quotes from rock music magazines and
performers:
“The surest shortcut to memorable videos seems to be a liberal dose
of sex, violence, or both” (Rolling Stone Magazine, 12/8/83, p. 76; via
Peters, p. 40).
“Everyone takes it for granted rock and roll is synonymous with sex”
(Chris Stein of Blondie, People, 5/21/79, p. 53; via Peters, p. 107).
Rock and roll is “99 percent sex” (John Oates, Circus, 1/31/76, p.
39; via Peters, p. 108).
“Rock and Roll is about sex, and I’m here to corrupt the youth of
America” (Elvis Costello, AFA Journal, 11&12/88, p. 20).
* Alienation from parents
A Jefferson Starship member said, “our music is intended to
broaden the generation gap [and] alienate children from their parents”
(Peters, p. 105).
Malcom McClaren: “Rock N’ Roll is pagan and primitive and very
jungle and that’s how it should be. The moment it stops being those
things it’s dead. … The true meaning of rock … is sex, subversion and
style” (Rock magazine, 8/83, p 60; via Peters, p. 107).
Alfred Arnowitz, former music critic for New York Post: “If the
establishment knew what today’s popular music really is saying, not
what the words are saying, but what the music itself is saying, then they
wouldn’t just turn thumbs down on it, they’d ban it, they’d smash all the
records and they’d arrest anyone who tried to play it” (Searching the
Scriptures, 11/85, p. 540).
The point is not that just one kind of music is dangerous. The point
is: do you honestly believe you can raise godly children without a plan
for fighting such influences as this?
The Internet and video games
Surely, it should not take much imagination to realize that what we
have just said about the above entertainment is as great or greater a
danger on the Internet and video games.
If you know anything about the Internet, including email and social
networking, you know it is just like any other form of communication: it
has good material along with tons of filth. It often reeks with

pornography, filthy language, violence, and the Occult, besides rotten
concepts.
The special problem is that these evils come right into your home
and are so difficult to control. If your children have access to the Internet
and email, controlling what they view is extremely difficult. How can you
control it if you don’t understand it and don’t have a plan?
Video games can be especially dangerous because players become
active participants in the events they watch. They may pull the trigger to
shoot people, they may role-play evil characters, they may use witchcraft
and other occult powers to achieve goals. Yet, Satan always disguises evil
as good, so participants become desensitized to participating in evil.
If you would not just allow your children to run with any peer group
of their choosing, then why allow them to watch TV or movies or listen
to music or access the Internet or video games without a plan for
supervising them?
The point is not that raising godly children is impossible. It can be
done, but no parent will succeed without an effective plan for dealing
with these influences.
Developing a Good Plan
How do we develop a good plan? Where do we go for guidance?

Many people think it is impossible to know the best way to raise children.
Can we know the best way?
We Must Not Rely on Human Theories.
Many parents follow human authorities.
Many parents follow advice from so-called experts: psychologists,
sociologists, government officials, social agencies, and other child-
raising experts.
Other parents just raise their children the way their own parents
raised them. This may be done knowingly or more often unknowingly.
We just naturally act according to what we are familiar with: we treat our
children the way we saw our parents act. This amounts to accepting our
own parents as the best authority for how to raise children.
Notice that these are all human authorities. Humans are fallible and
often make mistakes, so it is reasonable that many of their theories do
not work. This is especially true if our goal is to raise godly children.
Remember the Bible warnings about following human
authority.
Proverbs 14:12 — There is a way that seems right to a man, but its
end is the way of death.

Jeremiah 10:23 — The way of man is not in himself; it is not in man
who walks to direct his own steps. No man is as wise as God; so no one
knows how to please God by human wisdom, including child-raising
experts. People, who don’t follow God’s guidance, cannot tell us how to
raise godly children.
1 Corinthians 1:19-21; 2:4,5 — In matters of godliness and
righteousness, we must follow divine wisdom, not human wisdom. This
does not mean human advice is always wrong. Sometimes people give
advice that agrees with the Bible. But advice that disagrees with the Bible
is always wrong!
Christians generally know we must not follow human authority
regarding worship, salvation, the church, etc. But raising children is a
God-given obligation just as surely as are these other areas. When
human ideas differ from God’s word, we have no more right to follow
them in raising children than in any of these other areas.
We are at war with forces of evil that lead people astray from God’s
will both in the church and in the home. We can no more defeat the
forces of evil by following human wisdom in the home than we can in the
church!
[Matthew 15:9,13; Galatians 1:8,9; 2 John 9-11; Colossians 3:17;
Proverbs 3:5,6; Revelation 22:18,19; 1 Timothy 1:3; 2 Timothy 1:13]
The Bible Is God’s Guide for Raising Godly Children.
2 Timothy 3:16,17 — Raising godly children is a good work, and the
Scriptures instruct us in righteousness and equip us for good works.
Joshua 1:8 — Joshua prospered in God’s work God when he
followed God’s word, not departing to the right or left. Likewise, we
prosper in the work God gives us if we follow His word.
The Scriptures often compare God’s relationship to His children to
a father’s relationship to his earthly children (Matt. 7:9-11; Heb. 12:5-
11). This is why the term “father” is used both for God and for an earthly
parent. It follows that parents can learn many things about our role by
observing the example of God our Father in His dealings with us. We will
often use His example as a source of guidance in these studies.
Makers of cars and appliances provide their customers with
operator’s manuals to show how to use the equipment successfully. So,
the Maker of the family has given us an instruction book for the family.
Does it make sense to follow the ideas of fallible humans, rather than the
wisdom of the all-wise God who created families?
Philippians 4:13 — I can do all things through Christ who
strengthens me. We do not need to be constantly confused about how to
raise children. We can have the strength and guidance we need, but not
through human wisdom. We must turn to Jesus.
[Deuteronomy 18:18-22; Psalm 19:7-9; 33:4; 119:128,142,160; John
17:17; Titus 1:2,3; Revelation 19:9; 21:5]

Observe and Learn from Winning Parents
While the Bible is the standard, other people who follow that
standard can help us learn it.
Hebrews 6:12 – Imitate those who through faith and patience
inherit the promises.
Titus 2:3-5 – Older women should teach the younger women how
to love their children and be homemakers.
Titus 2:7 – In all things show yourself a pattern of good works.
As a parent, it won’t take you long to realize that lots of people are
glad to give you advice about raising children. Many will advise: don’t be
so strict, spanking won’t work, educate your children the way society
says to educate them, etc. But Karen and I observed years ago that very
few – even among Christians – were themselves doing a really good job
with their own children. Their kids did not act the way we wanted our
kids to act.
So, before you accept advice, first evaluate it by God’s standard. And
then ask how successful these people have been with their own children.
Are their children obedient and respectful? Do their children know God’s
will, become Christians when they become accountable, and live faithful
Christian lives? In short, do you see evidence that their children are
turning out the way you want yours to?
The parents to imitate are those who are successful, not those who
fail!
Father and Mother Should Discuss Their Plan and Agree.
Both the father and the mother must be involved in raising the
children.
Ephesians 6:4 — Fathers must bring up children in the nurture and
admonition of the Lord.
Ephesians 6:1 — Children should be obedient to both parents.
Proverbs 1:8 — Mothers also have authority over their children.
To achieve their goal as parents and to avoid provoking children to
discouragement, father and mother must work together. Family rules
must be consistent. This requires discussion and agreement.
The best time to make these plans is before problems arise. A couple
should discuss their principles and beliefs about child raising even
before they marry. Then they should continue to talk about what their
rules will be and how they will handle problems. Then when specific
problems arise, they can handle them quickly and confidently.
The Plan Must Be Accompanied by Prayer.
James 1:5 — We need to pray for wisdom. This wisdom will come as
we study God’s word. But we must diligently pray that we will be able to
apply His word properly. [Heb. 5:14]
1 Chronicles 29:19 – David prayed for God to give his son Solomon
a loyal heart to keep God’s commandments. All parents need to pray

every day for each of their children by name, and ask God to strengthen
them.
A young man who had gotten into serious trouble was asked about
his upbringing. One thing he said was, “I can’t remember ever hearing
my parents pray for me.”
You can learn from my mistake here. All my married life I have
prayed every day for my wife and each of my children by name; but when
I led a prayer I would never name the people who were present. Why
not?
Nearly every letter Paul wrote, he told the people he addressed that
he was praying for them. Surely our children deserve at least that much
from us. Your children need to know that you name them in prayer.
Do you have a plan for raising your children, a plan based on God’s
word and prayer?
Conclusion
Too many parents let their own children manipulate them. “I just
don’t know what to do with them.” We need to learn to out-think our
children. Our duty as parents requires us to study God’s word and apply
it so we know how to raise godly children.
The Devil often defeats us, not because it is impossible for us to
defeat him, but because we are not fighting him effectively. Either
we are not aware of the danger, or else we are simply too indifferent to
fight. By the time we realize our mistake, it is often too late. But we can
win the battle, if we follow God’s will and prayerfully develop a plan
based on Bible principles.
For each child, you only have one chance to raise that child properly.
And before you know it, your kids will be grown. It will be too late then
to go back and start over if you haven’t done it right. To succeed, we need
a plan based, not on human wisdom, but on prayerful study and
application of God’s will.
Do you have a plan for raising your children? Is your plan based on
God’s word? How often do you discuss with your spouse the principles
on which you act? How diligent are you in your effort to fight Satan and
his evil influences on your children?

Key #3: Love
The basis of any good relationship is love, because love leads us to

seek the well being of others and do what is best for others (1 Corinthians
13:4,5). Love is not always easy and pleasant; we will see that sometimes
parents need “tough love.”
Let us consider what love leads parents to do and what it leads them
to not do.
Begin by Loving One Another.
To have a loving family, husband and wife need to start by loving

one another.
Love Enough to Stay Together.
Matthew 19:9 – Surely love should lead parents to be faithful to
their marriage covenant. God allows only one grounds for divorce.
Married couples should not want their marriage to end, nor should they
threaten to divorce. Children deserve the security of knowing their home
will always be there.
Modern hedonistic society defends divorce by saying children will
soon get over it, and they may be better off. Sometimes parents think, “I
can’t make my children happy if I’m not happy, but I’ll never be happy
in this marriage.” But such ideas are not love; they are selfishness!
Divorce is incredibly traumatic to children, leaving scars for life.
People in troubled marriages do not need divorce; they need to learn to
get along!
Love Enough to Learn to Treat One Another Right.
Staying together isn’t enough; parents also need to love and treat
one another right.
Ephesians 5:25,28,29,33 – The husband must love his wife as Christ
loved the church and as he loves himself. Love her enough to provide for
her, cherish her, and care for her as surely as you do for yourself.

Titus 2:4,5 — Young women should learn to love their husbands and
children. Love for children is associated with love for ones spouse. In
fact, you cannot truly do one without the other.
Notice that these passages teach that love can be learned. Biblical
love is not always romantic and does not always come naturally. Parents
should have a natural affection toward one another and toward their
children, but natural attraction alone does not always lead us to do what
is best. Biblical love leads us to learn God’s will for the family, then it
motivates us to do it.
Do you love your wife/husband? If not, you need to repent and learn
to love by always choosing to do what is best for your spouse.
Love Enough to Show Affection.
1 Corinthians 7:3-5 – Husband and wife should not deprive one
another but give “the affection due” to one another. Context shows this
includes especially sexual love, but there is a lot more to affection than
that. Husband and wife need to speak and act affectionately. Intimacy
should be kept private, but children should never doubt that their
parents love one another.
Many children say, “I’ve never seen my parents hug and kiss.” Or,
“I’ve never heard my parents say they love one another.” Why not?
Would your children say that?
Did you hug and hold hands and say “I love you” when you were
first married? Then what’s so hard about it now? If you love one another,
then say so and show it! Your spouse needs to know it and your children
need to know it.
Children need to be raised in an atmosphere of love and good will.
A pattern of fussing and fighting between parents leads to insecurity and
fear for the children. And often the children will imitate that disruptive
behavior in their own families when they marry. But if parents establish
a pattern of expressing affection, children have a sense of security and
they learn the importance of showing affection in their own families.
The first and most basic aspect of love that any parents need is to
learn to love one another. Their love for the children should follow from
this.
Encourage Children
Whenever Possible.
Colossians 3:21 says not to provoke our children to discouragement.

Just as love leads us to do good toward our spouse, it should also lead us
to do good for our children.

There is danger that we might be too lax and not require proper
obedience. But there is also danger that we may belittle a child till we
make him feel worthless. Consider some specifics.
Avoid Humor that Frustrates, Discourages, or Angers.
This is another lesson I have struggled to learn all my life. Humor is
good, and can be valuable in dealing with children. But humor is good
only if everyone enjoys it and no one gets hurt. Humor that hurts other
people’s feelings is poor humor and violates the principle of love.
And remember that children are more sensitive at certain ages than
at other ages. Things that may not bother adults or other children, may
really hurt a particular child at certain stages.
Avoid Belittling Childish Mistakes.
This especially hurts a child when done in the presence of others
and most especially in front of his friends. If a mistake needs correcting,
do it in a way that shows the child you still love him.
In an episode of “Leave It to Beaver,” the father Ward scolded his
teenage son Wally for using his father’s shaver. Wally needed to be
rebuked, but the problem was that Ward did it in front of Wally’s friend
Eddie Haskel. As a result, Wally ended up being ridiculed by all his
school friends.
Don’t bring up a child’s past mistakes and embarrass him in the
presence of others. If the child can genuinely join in the humor, fine. But
if you discourage him and make him feel inferior, what good have you
accomplished?
Set Your Expectations Within Reach
of the Child’s Ability.
Too many parents expect achievement that is simply beyond the
child at his best. They may demand things the child can’t accomplish till
he is older. Others compare one child to other children who may simply
possess abilities this child lacks. (“Susie got straight ‘A’s,’ why can’t
you?”)
Express Appreciation for Accomplishments.
Some parents constantly criticize, but rarely praise. We should
challenge children to do their best, but many abilities just develop later
in life than many parents expect. If a child makes a sincere effort but
receives only criticism without praise, he will become discouraged and
quit trying: “What’s the use? I’ll never please them anyway.”
Read Col. 3:21 again.
We should not build our lives around our children or grant their
every whim. But neither should we break their spirit by ignoring their
feelings.
Do you treat your children in a way that makes them feel they are
loved and appreciated?

Determine Rules and
Punishments for the Child’s Good.
Make Rules for the Good of the Whole Group.

Children sometimes think that being a parent means you get to do
whatever you want.
1 Corinthians 13:3 — Love does not seek its own; it is not selfish.
Love motivates us to do, not what we want, but what is best for the whole
group.
One of the surest ways parents discourage children (Col. 3:21) is by
acting selfishly and unjustly, using their authority unreasonably for their
own pleasure. This does not mean the child should just have his way:
that is not good for him or for anyone in the group. There must be rules,
and rules must be enforced. But they must be made for the good of all.
Exercise Punishment for the Good of the Child.
Some “authorities” claim that all punishment is inherently
unloving. The Complete Book of Mothercraft says that, whenever
punishment occurs, parents have forsaken “the positive feelings of love
and understanding” (via Plain Truth about Child Rearing, p. 58).
Instead, godly parents learn how love and discipline work together.
Hebrews 12:5-11 — God’s chastisement of His people illustrates a
father’s discipline of his children. God chastens those He loves. This is
for our profit and yields good fruit. Properly done, chastening is an act
of love that benefits those who receive it.
Proverbs 13:24 — He who spares the rod hates his son. One who
loves will chasten (use the rod) when needed. (Cf. Prov. 23:13,14.)
The child needs to learn to act properly and respect authority. This
will give him a much better life as an adult. We will discuss spanking and
punishment later, but the point here is to remember to punish in love for
the child’s good.
Consider Some Specific Guidelines
about Rules, Punishments, and Love.
These involve personal judgment but are generally valid.
Never use your authority to get personal vengeance on a
child.
Sometimes parents punish simply because the child
inconvenienced or embarrassed them. For example, suppose the child
interrupts the parent from a pleasant activity or uses a bad word in front
of the parent’s friends. The child may need to be punished, but are we
motivated by concern for the child, or are we acting from selfish reasons?

Never punish the child in a fit of uncontrolled anger.
Not all anger is sinful, nor it is wrong to punish a child in anger. God
has often punished people in anger. But anger must be controlled (Eph.
4:26).
Sometimes parents beat a child in a fit of rage. Others scream,
clench their teeth, and lose control. Such conduct rarely leads to the
child’s good.
Usually the solution is to punish the child before the parent loses
his temper, while he is still in control.
Never use authority just to satisfy a desire for power.
Some parents dominate children just to prove that they are boss, to
satisfy their ego, or to impress their friends. Like tyrants or dictators,
they get a thrill from controlling others.
All such conduct violates God’s law of love, unnecessarily
discourages children, and leads children to be disrespectful and
disobedient.
When you make rules or punish your child, do you act in love for
your child’s good?
Willingly Sacrifice for the

Children’s Good.
Sacrifice and giving of ourselves are essential elements of Biblical

love.
John 3:16 — God gave His Son because He loves us.
Luke 10:25-37 — The good Samaritan illustrated love by giving
time, effort, and money for the well being of another.
1 John 3:16-18 — We imitate Jesus’ example, not just by professing
love, but by giving what others need.
Children Need Our Time and Attention.
Parents often neglect their children.
Many families rarely play together, work together, worship and pray
together, and may not even eat together. Children are often left
unattended (“latch-key children”), roam the neighborhood, or go to
daycare or babysitters day after day, simply because the parents are busy
doing other things. Children often misbehave just to get attention.
Others never serve God faithfully because their parents never took the
time to teach them God’s ways.

Fathers specifically should take time for their children.
Fathers are often too wrapped up in jobs or personal interests. We
must provide a livable income (1 Tim. 5:8). But remember, the goal is to
raise godly children. What does it profit to provide material things, if our
children do not grow up to serve God faithfully (Matt. 16:26)?
Fathers should make sure that the whole family eats at least one
meal together (preferably more) every day. They should take time to
play, study, and work with their children.
Many fathers realize too late that their priorities were wrong, but by
then the children are gone and it is too late to establish a relationship
with them. What sacrifices are you making to give your children the time
and attention they need?
Specifically, Children Need a Full-time Mother.
This is God’s plan, and anything less is less than satisfactory.
Granted there may be emergencies where the father is unavoidably
unable to provide even basic necessities, and the mother may need to
leave the home temporarily to help out. But this is never a good situation
and should be changed as soon as possible.
Psalm 113:9
God blesses a woman by giving her a home and making her a joyful
mother of children. Motherhood is a cause for joy. Praise God for it! No
profession is more valuable or more fulfilling. Yes, it is frustrating and
tedious at times, but so is man’s work.
1 Timothy 5:14
Young widows should marry, bear children, and guide the house.
Woman was created to protect unborn children, give them birth, and
then nourish them. This creates a unique bond between mother and
child that no one else can ever replace. She is uniquely suited both
physically and emotionally for the care of children. When she marries
and has children, her work is at home caring for her family.
Feminists, who don’t believe the Bible, often argue that children
won’t suffer if the mother leaves to take a job away from home. Yet often
the result is that children spend many hours unattended or at daycare.
And then when mother is home, she is too tired or too busy catching up
on housework to spend time with the children.
Titus 2:4,5
Young women should be taught to love their husbands and children
and be “workers at home” (ASV), “homemakers” (NKJV), “keepers at
home” (KJV), “working at home” (ESV). The mother’s work is “at home,”
and her work is to keep or care for the home (family). Note that her care
for her family (v5) should be motivated by love (v4). Her family needs
her time and attention, and she thereby fulfills the purpose for her
creation.

Many Bible examples show men working away from home to
provide family income: carpenters, shepherds, farmers, physicians,
fishermen, etc. But the mother’s work is at home caring for the family.
There is simply no one who can fully replace her.
Look at the list of responsibilities God gives to wives and mothers
in vv 4,5. Question: How many of these responsibilities may a woman
hire someone else to do in her place while she chooses to do something
else instead? May she hire someone else to love her husband, be discreet,
chaste, or obedient to her husband? The idea is absurd!
We may pay people to provide assistance by doing some specific
task under our supervision (cleaning a room or provide health care or
some specific instruction). But why have many come to believe that a
woman may hire other people to take over the supervision of her
household or the care of her children hour after hour, day after day,
while she chooses to work a secular job? Who can honestly believe that
is what God intended when He inspired this passage?
John 10:11-14
Jesus contrasts a hireling to a shepherd who owns the sheep. The
owner will give his life for the sheep, because he cares for them. But the
hireling will not make the same sacrifices, because he does not have the
same commitment to the sheep.
Note the principle: a hireling gives inferior care and
inadequate sacrifice, because the sheep do not belong to him.
If this applies to sheep, how much more so to children? In Matthew 12:12
Jesus asked: “Of how much more value then is a man (child) than a
sheep?” To hire other people to raise children in the parents’
place puts the children under inferior care. No babysitter or
daycare center can have the natural attachment that the children’s own
mother ought to have. If a woman chooses to put her children under
inferior care while she does some other job, how can that be harmonized
with the Biblical concept of love?
Again, there may be emergencies where the father is incapacitated
or otherwise unable to provide. But isn’t it true that many mothers
simply choose to work away from home, while others care for their
children? Doesn’t this often mean that children do not receive the
training and instruction they need, many develop serious moral
problems, and many simply never do serve God faithfully? Isn’t this a
major cause of family problems in our society?
Parents simply must realize that raising children takes much time
— quantity time and “quality” time - to be with them and teach them.
They must know that we are available when they need us. This requires
parents to love their children enough to make sacrifices of time and of
material prosperity. [See also Prov. 31:27; 7:11.]

Learn to Show Affection
to Children.
Families of Christian should be affectionate. This also can and

should be learned.
Appreciate Our Children as Blessings from God.
Genesis 33:5 — Jacob stated that God had graciously given him his
children.
Psalm 127:3-5 — Children are a heritage from the Lord. A man who
has his quiver full is happy. Yet, some act like caring for children is
unbearable drudgery. We grumble and complain every time we have to
do something for them.
Psalm 128:3,4 — Children around our table are a blessing from God.
Is this how we feel? Some people obviously don’t appreciate their
children: they abuse them, desert them, leave them to die, give them
away, or murder them before they are even born.
We need to improve our attitude toward children. Let there be no
“unwanted children,” not because we have murdered them as pro-
abortion advocates suggest, but because we have learned to love and
appreciate them (Titus 2:4).
How often do you really thank God for your children? Do you view
them as a blessing or a burden? Do you act like you appreciate them?
Show Affection by Words and by Physical Contact.
Children have deep emotional needs that are met only when their
parents say they love them and then show that they really mean it.
Fathers especially need to learn to express love.
Men tend to think it is effeminate to show love. This was another of
my mistakes.
My father was not particularly affectionate. His mother died when
he was young and he grew up living with other families. The most
affection I remember him showing when I was little was “whiskering”
me. As a teenager, I did not want to show affection for others.
Karen’s family is affectionate. They hug when they greet and say
goodbye. Sometimes the women cry. It took a while, but I now know
their way is best.
Every person has a fundamental need for security and a sense of
belonging. If this need isn’t met in the home, children will seek it
elsewhere such as among peers. Boys may join gangs. Girls may become
sexually promiscuous to find acceptance from a guy.
Parents, hug and kiss your kids. Tell them you love them.
Do it often every day! This includes your teenage boys!

* Is our Heavenly Father a good example? He frequently assures us,
both by deed and by word, that He loves us.
* Genesis 33:4 – When the brothers Jacob and Esau met after a long
separation, they embraced, kissed, and wept.
* Genesis 45:15; 46:29 – Joseph embraced, kissed, and wept with
his brothers and father.
* Genesis 48:10 – Jacob kissed and embraced Joseph’s sons.
* 1 Kings 19:20 – As a grown man Elisha kissed his father and
mother goodbye.
* Luke 15:20 – When the prodigal son returned, his father embraced
and kissed him.
* Romans 12:15 – Rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with
those who weep.
Are these examples somehow unmanly? Is this “corny”? Is it “mush”
as Grumpy says in Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs? No, it meets a
basic need.
The superintendent of a home for juvenile delinquents said, “Love
is a major need of these boys. Their parents will give them a car, but
won’t say, ‘I love you.’” (Webb, p. 125) Some families meet physical needs
but neglect emotional needs.
Families should learn to be affectionate both in words and in touch.
It begins with snuggling and holding the babies and nursing them the
natural way when possible. As they grow it may include hugging, telling
them we love them, putting an arm around them, holding hands during
prayer, having group hugs, and sympathizing in times of trouble and
rejoicing together in times of happiness. It includes remembering special
days (birthdays, anniversaries) and giving gifts.
Security, belonging, and closeness are needs children have, just as
surely as physical needs. To whom did God give the duty to take the lead
to see that family needs are met? It is the duty of the father as the leader
and provider (1 Timothy 5:8).
If your parents were not affectionate, you can and should change it
in your family. This affection should include all the family members,
including the men and boys. Should your family learn to be more
affectionate?
[Gen. 27:26,27; Ex. 4:27; 18:7]
Reassurances of love are especially important after we have
punished a child.
The child must understand that we object to his conduct, but we do
not reject him. This becomes clear if, after punishing the child, we take
time to hold him on our lap, talk to him, and then include him in other
activities. Don’t make him feel an outcast, but assure him of forgiveness
(provided he is truly penitent).

We have our children for only a short time. Won’t it be a shame, in
our old age, if we must look back with regret because our children grew
up and left home before we took the time to show them that we care?
Conclusion
1 Corinthians 13:13 – Now abide faith, hope, and love, these three;
but the greatest of these is love. Is your family characterized by love?

Key #4: Instruction
Many Scriptures tell parents to teach and guide their children. This
includes many aspects of life, but we must especially teach children the
word of God and its application. Children, in turn, should heed this
instruction.
Proverbs 1:8 — Sons should hear the instruction of their fathers and
not forsake the law of their mothers.
Psalm 34:11 — David determined to teach future generations the
fear of the Lord.
Isaiah 38:19 — The father shall make known God’s truth to the
children.
2 Timothy 3:15 — From childhood Timothy had been taught the
Scriptures because they could make him wise to salvation.
Consider some principles involved in instructing children. As we do
so, notice the many other passages that show the importance of
instructing children.
[Cf. 1 Thess. 2:11; Eph. 6:4.]
How Should We Instruct Children?
What methods should we use to instill God’s word in our children?

Word of Mouth
Genesis 18:19 — Abraham commanded his family after him what to
do to serve God.
Deuteronomy 4:9,10 — The things the parents know should be
made known to the children.
Psalm 78:4-8 — Tell God’s law to the next generation so they know
it and tell their children.
Parents must take time to talk to children about God’s word.
Explain the teachings and the principles involved. Discuss with them,
ask them questions, and answer their questions.

How diligently do you teach God’s word to your children? How well
do they know the truth?
[See also Deut. 6:6-9; Psa. 48:13; 71:18; etc.]
Example
We all learn by imitation. We learn new jobs by watching others do
them, etc. Children especially learn by mimicking. Toddlers want to wear
our shoes and clothes, talk like us, etc.
So, children need to see their parents living by Bible principles. But
remember that they imitate both good and bad characteristics.
2 Timothy 1:5 — Timothy’s genuine faith was first possessed by his
mother and his grandmother. They not only told Timothy what to
believe, they showed him by their own faith. “Actions speak louder than
words.”
Ezekiel 16:44 — “Like mother, like daughter.” Most parents want
their children to live better than they themselves have lived, but this is
rare. The general rule is that children are like their parents. If our
children are no better than we are, what will they be like?
1 Kings 15:3 — Abijam walked in the sins of his father. Many such
statements can be found regarding kings of Israel and Judah. Children
often imitate their parents’ sins.
And children often go further in justifying sin than their parents do.
We knew a family in the church where the kids grew up hearing the
father argue that there isn’t anything wrong with drinking a beer now
and then. His kids ended up leading the church’s teens in drinking
parties; one of his sons became so drunk at one party he vomited.
Parental example is important.
Genesis 27 and 37 — Isaac and Rebekah played favorites with their
children, and Rebekah influenced Jacob to deceive Isaac. When Jacob
had children, he in turn played favorites, and his sons in turn deceived
him. When you practice evil, you may as well expect your children to
practice it too — and they will probably practice it toward you!
Are there things about your life that you don’t want your children to
imitate? If so, you need to change it now! Woe to us if, by our example,
our children are lost eternally. It would be better for us to be drowned
than to suffer the fate we will suffer in such a case (Matt. 18:6,7).
If your children imitate you, will they lie, deceive, smoke, drink,
gamble, dress immodestly, neglect the Lord and the church? Or will they
be honest, hard working, and diligent in Bible study, prayer, teaching
God’s word to others, and working in the church?
[Nehemiah 13:23,24; Matt. 23:1-4]
Practice
Usually people learn best, not just by being told what to do, nor even
by watching others, but by actually practicing the activity guided by an

instructor. This is how most people learn to play the piano, drive a car,
or participate in a sport, etc.
Parents need to teach their children to work by having them help
you work: housework, gardening, making repairs, and work of all kinds.
But especially children should learn to serve God by practicing it under
their parents’ guidance.
Hebrews 5:14 — To discern good and evil, senses must be exercised
by reason of use (NKJV footnote: “practice”). It is not enough just to
speak truth to children, nor even to set a good example before them. We
must also insist that they regularly practice what is right. This will instill
in them the habit of doing right, so they will continue to be faithful
throughout life.
Do you insist that your children practice what you teach them till it
becomes a way of life with them? In later lessons we will discuss how to
get children to practice what we teach them. The point here is proper
instruction requires that children, not just see and hear from others what
it right, but themselves practice what is right.
Repetition
Humans are creatures of habit, and habits develop by repetition. So
all these teaching methods need frequent repetition: telling, good
example, and especially practicing what is right.
Deuteronomy 6:6-9 — Parents should talk continually of God’s
commands. Write them down where you see them frequently. All this
involves repetition and reminder.
2 Peter 1:12-15 — Sometimes young people tire of hearing parents
repeat things, but Peter repeatedly reminded people of things they
already knew. To do otherwise he said would be “neglect.” He knew they
would need these lessons after he died.
When children act contrary to what their parents said, one of their
most common excuses is, “I forgot.” Every time a child uses that excuse,
he is admitting the value of reminders! Like Peter, someday your parents
will be gone and won’t be there to remind you.
Take care that repetition does not become nagging and lecturing.
When kids already know something, all they may need is, not a lecture,
but just a short reminder. Or ask them to explain the matter to you. But
make sure the truth is fresh in their minds.
These methods will instill God’s will in your children’s minds and
ingrain them in their character. What about your children — have they
been thoroughly instructed in God’s ways?
[Exodus 13:8,14-16]

When and Where Should We
Instruct Children?
Deuteronomy 6:6-9 — We should teach continually (walking,

sitting, lying, etc.). Consider some specific applications:
Begin Early
A child’s character is formed primarily in his early years, so
we must begin early to instill God’s word.
2 Timothy 3:15 — Timothy knew the Scriptures “from childhood.”
Matthew 21:15,16 — Jesus desired praise from babes and nursing
infants. God and His will should be among the very first things that
children learn. Some of the very first words your children learn should
be “God,” “Jesus,” and “Bible.” Let them grow up talking about God.
When children are small, anticipate later problems, and
begin to instill habits that will prevent those problems.
Proper training of young children helps them avoid spiritual
problems as teenagers. The problems that children have usually begin
when they are little, then grow as they grow. When teenage years come,
it may be too late to change the child. Don’t give up teaching your teens,
but the best way to avoid serious problems is to train them properly long
before they become teens!
When I was in the fourth grade, the schools taught dancing; but my
parents would not let me participate. You might think that a fourth-
grader would not be likely to lust. But because my parents started young,
dancing was never an issue for me later. But if you let a child dance in
grade school, how will you convince him not to go to the proms and high
school dances?
The same principle applies in many other areas.
Some people say, “Don’t indoctrinate little children. Let them
decide for themselves what they believe when they are
grown.”
Or they say, “I don’t think you should make a child go to church or
Bible class.”
But the truth is, you can’t avoid indoctrinating a child.
There is no way to be neutral about God (Matt. 12:30). If you serve
God faithfully, then your child will see and hear you living and teaching
God’s word. But if you never do or say anything about God, then you
are teaching the child that God is unimportant. Either way you are
teaching the child about religion.

Furthermore, Satan will attempt to indoctrinate your
child.
Do you think Satan will wait till the child is grown before he places
temptations and false teachings before him? You must begin early to
teach the truth, or Satan will win by default!
In a garden, good plants must be cultivated, but weeds grow by
themselves. So, we must teach children the truth early, or Satan will fill
their lives with spiritual weeds.
So, the fact is that the child will be indoctrinated regardless of what
we do or don’t do. The only question is: What values will he be
taught? To fail to teach the truth is to guarantee that Satan has a head
start, leaving our children defenseless against his lies.
So, the only one who really gains if we don’t teach our
children early is Satan.
It follows that he is the ultimate source of the view that parents
should not indoctrinate children. When you hear people say “don’t
indoctrinate children,” you can be sure they are not faithful Christians.
Knowingly or unknowingly, they are tools of Satan.
God knows what children need, and He commands us to teach and
to begin early.
Attend ALL Church Assemblies and Classes.
This too should begin early in a child’s life.
Bring him from the age he is first able to go anywhere. At first he
will not understand what is being said, yet your example will
permanently impress him that these meetings are important. Later on,
he will learn why they are important. (Parents are also learning an
important lesson of commitment to God that strengthens them and gives
them the assurance they did their best.)
Your child should never be able to remember a time when he did
not attend church meetings regularly.
Regular attendance should be so routine that the whole
family automatically knows that everyone will attend
every meeting (Heb. 10:25; Acts 11:26).
This should be a predetermined appointment for every family
member. There should be no doubt in any mind where they will be when
the church is meeting on Sunday, Bible classes, or gospel meetings.
Less important matters (school activities, sports, musical activities,
etc.) should never be allowed to hinder church meetings. That also
applies to jobs. Working a job may be good for teens, but they have no
God-given obligation to provide for the family like their fathers do. So
how can they be justified in missing church for work?

Children should be trained from the beginning to seek first the
kingdom and sacrifice for the cause of Christ (Matthew 6:33; Romans
12:1,2).
Parents should make sure all family members come with
their lessons prepared.
Parents must set the proper example by having their own lessons
prepared. They should also check with teachers from time to time to see
how their children are doing. Church meetings and classes are only part
of the teaching children need, but the least parents can do is to bring
their children to meetings on time and well prepared.
I have sat trying to console parents who were indifferent and
irregular regarding attendance in their early marriage, only to find that
their children grow up and decide not to attend at all. But by then it is
too late for the parents to change them. What a shame!
How regular is your family in attending church meetings?
Have Regular, Organized Studies at Home.
Every child should have daily Bible study at home.
The primary duty for teaching children rests on parents, not on the
church. The church can help, but parents need to teach the importance
of regular, frequent study at home. Consider:
Acts 17:11 — The Bereans were noble for searching the Scriptures
daily.
Hebrews 3:13 — To avoid falling away, people need daily
admonition.
Psalm 1:2; 119:97-99; Joshua 1:8 — We should meditate on God’s
word day and night. (Reread Deut. 6:6-9.)
1 Peter 2:2; Matthew 5:6 — We should hunger and thirst for God’s
word as a man thirsts for water and as a baby does for milk.
Do these verses describe something to be done just once or twice a
week? Parents should teach their children this kind of daily commitment
to Bible study.
Much good material is available to help parents in teaching.
Many good books and recordings are available to teach Bible stories
to younger children.
Parents can review the children’s church Bible class lessons with
them at home. You can also order other Bible class material to study with
the children at home.
My wife taught our children the books of the Bible by having them
say one book for each step, every time they went up or down the stairs
together.
A good way to memorize Bible verses is to write them on cards, place
the cards on the table, and have everyone say them at meals till the whole
family knows them.

For years our family read a chapter of the Bible every evening at the
supper table. Then we would go around the table asking one another
questions about the chapter.
Many good study methods are available. The point is that parents
need to have regular, organized Bible studies to make sure their children
learn God’s will.
What about your family — are they being thoroughly instructed in
God’s will?
Teach Informally as Occasions Present Themselves.
Deuteronomy 6:6-9 — Note the emphasis on teaching under all
circumstances. We need prearranged studies in which we determine
beforehand when and what we will study. But we should also watch for
the “teachable” moment that may occur unplanned on the “spur of the
moment.”
Here are some suggestions about informal teaching.
Promote a relationship of open conversation with children.
Before you can help them apply God’s word to their problems, they
need to feel free to bring their problems to you.
I made mistakes here too. I am not a good conversationalist, I often
thought I had more important things to do, and especially I let my wife
become a buffer between my kids and me. If they had requests or
concerns, they went to Karen first. If she approved it, she would come to
me and defend the kids’ case. If I disapproved, she would explain my
conclusion to the kids.
The effect was to isolate me from my children. Dad was
unapproachable. Mom was the only one the kids could really talk to. And
if Mom agreed to something, then by the time it got to Dad, everybody
else had already agreed. If Dad vetoed it, then Dad became this gruff
ogre, the bad guy. My kids were teenagers before I realized my mistake
and tried to correct it.
Some suggestions for open conversation with kids:
Take time to be available from early ages.
If you take time to talk with them when they are little, they are more
likely to take time to talk to you when they are older. Do things together
as a family and each parent individually with each child. Plan activities
together and make use of informal occasions to be together.
This is another problem area if both parents are employed outside
the home or spend too much time on outside activities. Opportunities to
establish an open relationship are missed.
Often the “generation gap” exists because parents fail to take the
time to talk to their kids.

Especially remember the three most important times to be
available to your kids: meal times, when they come home from
school, and bed time.
Kids are especially talkative at these times. Ask about their
activities. Think of topics you can bring up to discuss. Always have at
least one meal per day (preferably more than one) as a family and
encourage good conversation (not talk for the sake of talk, but
constructive conversation).
Do things together as a family.
Read books together as a family. Attend your children’s ball games,
school functions, and musical performances. Get to know their friends.
Listen to music, watch movies, or participate in other entertainment
together. Help with their homework. Know what they are involved in, so
you can discuss with them.
Honestly listen to them and treat their conversation
seriously.
Don’t try to do most of the talking. Let them talk so you know what
interests them and what they are thinking.
If a problem or viewpoint is serious to them, you should treat it
seriously as you would with an adult friend. If you disagree, try to reason
at your child’s level, but don’t ridicule, make fun, or “talk down” to him.
Otherwise, next time he won’t come to you with his concern.
Ability to talk to your children will lead to the following kinds of
teaching opportunities:
Teach when children ask questions.
Many of Jesus’ most memorable lessons came in response to
questions. This includes the Good Samaritan (Luke 10:29ff), teaching on
divorce and remarriage (Matt. 19:3ff), and the discussion of the greatest
command (Matt. 22:36ff).
Likewise, children often ask questions that give excellent teaching
opportunities: questions about death, prayer, baptism, smoking, etc.
When the child asks, he is obviously interested and receptive. Don’t just
make a brief comment; discuss the matter.
Participate in religious discussions in the child’s presence.
Discuss the sermon on the way home from services. Ask each child
about his/ her Bible class. Invite visiting preachers or other Christians
into your home and have religious discussions.
Don’t think children won’t learn because “it’s over their heads.”
They will understand more than you think, and later they will remember
the importance of these discussions.
And yes, parents should discuss in the children’s presence when the
church faces problems. I’ve been familiar with Bible teaching about

divorce and remarriage ever since my teen years, because the church
dealt with it in my best buddy’s family.
Some judgment is needed, but too many parents hide church
troubles from their children so the children are shocked when they grow
up and must deal with problems. Obviously the children do not need to
solve the problems, but they need to grow up knowing there will be
problems in the church. Then they can learn from their parents’ example
how to deal with problems.
Discuss circumstances in life that present good moral
lessons.
A temptation a friend faces may make a good lesson about handling
temptation. A car wreck may make a good lesson about obeying the law.
A Christian who has problems with a non-Christian spouse may teach
the importance of marrying a Christian. Many such examples will arise.
As a teenager, I was watching a ball game on TV, when a fight broke
out. The camera showed Minnie Minoso calmly sitting on second base,
waiting for the game to continue. My mother simply said, “That’s what a
Christian would do.” Obviously, the lesson stuck with me.
Discuss Bible principles when the child faces spiritual
decisions or when his conduct is spiritually
unacceptable.
Don’t just tell your children what your rules are or punish him for
disobeying rules. Tell them why you made the rule, especially if there
are Bible principles involved.
Discuss the principles with the child. Get the Bible out and look up
passages together. When he grows up, he won’t have you there to tell him
right from wrong. But if he understands the principles involved, then he
can make right decisions for himself.
Obviously not every decision should be explained. Sometimes there
is no time, or the child may be too young to understand. And sometimes
children repeatedly demand to know “Why?” even when you have tried
repeatedly to explain. They question the explanation simply because
they don’t like the rule. But within reason, we should explain our reasons
as a teaching tool.
Sometimes it may be useful to test our children’s understanding of
Bible principles by asking them to explain the principles and make the
application to a certain situation. Let them reach the conclusion and
explain it to you. Give guidance and additional information, if needed.
And never let him reach a wrong conclusion. But help him learn to think
things through for himself.
Conclusion
I am convinced that most Christians neglect to teach God’s word to
their children as they ought. Many of us let our children face serious
temptations day after day at school, on TV, in music, with friends, etc. In

many cases, we simply let them face far too much temptation. But then
we make matters worse by neglecting to give them the instruction they
need to deal with those temptations. No wonder we are losing so many
young people to the world.
When we bring a child into this world, God expects us to instruct
that child to do His will. That job belongs to us simply because we are
parents, and God will hold us accountable for how well we do the job.
Are ready to give answer to God in judgment for the way we are
training our children?

Key #5: Authority
(Control)
Authority is the right to give instructions and require obedience.

Our age generally opposes the concept of authority, rules,
law, and duty.
People insist on doing their own thing, being their own person, and
having their own way. As one man said to me, “I don’t want anybody
telling me what to do.”
So, people demand “freedom” from restrictions. Some object when
government is firm with criminals or when schools enforce strict rules
toward children. Some object when the church teaches the need for strict
obedience to God’s laws or when those who disobey are rebuked and
disciplined. Some object to the concept of a firm God who hates evil and
punishes evildoers!
This rejection of authority is especially obvious in the modern
concept of the family. How often do you see TV shows, books, movies, or
cartoons that portray a father as a capable, responsible family leader?
Generally, either he shares authority equally with the wife, or else he is
a bumbler, dominated and manipulated by his wife.
Likewise, society denies that parents should exercise
authority over children.
Parent Effectiveness Training, introduced by Thomas Gordon,
advocates that parents give up all use of authority. Family conflicts must
be resolved by finding a course that is mutually agreeable to both parent
and child. Neither is permitted to “impose” his solution on the other.
(See the high school text Parenting and Children, by H. Westlake, pp.
46-50.)
The Children’s Liberation Movement leads young people to rebel
against parents like the Women’s Liberation movement led women to
rebel against their husbands.
We want the power to determine our own destiny. We want
the immediate end of adult chauvinism … Age might once have led

to wisdom, but the old have proven themselves unable to deal with
present reality … the young must take the lead… — “Youth
Liberation,” Youth Liberation Press, via Christian Inquirer, 10/79
Child welfare agencies are often staffed by social workers who claim
that parents have no right to exercise firm leadership. They may threaten
to prosecute parents who exercise authority.
As a result, many children have their own parents “buffaloed.”
Parents are afraid to be strict, lest their children throw a fit, run away,
get into drugs, report them to the government, or are taken away by
government agencies. The children, not the parents, end up dominating
the home.
Nevertheless, proper use of authority is an essential key to
successful parenthood.
Why Is Authority Important

in the Home?
God Ordained Authority in the Home.

Husbands have authority over wives.
Ephesians 5:22-24 — The wife should obey her husband as the
church should obey Christ. Can the church please God if it disobeys
Jesus? No, and neither can the wife please God if she disobeys her
husband. This applies in “everything.” The only exception would be if
her husband required her to sin against God (Acts 5:29).
1 Corinthians 11:3 — The head of the woman is the man, just as the
head of man is Christ.
1 Peter 3:1,5,6 — Women should be subject to their husbands as
Sarah was to Abraham. [See also Tit. 2:5; Col. 3:18.]
Consider this quotation from Judge Samuel Leibowitz who was a
Senior Judge in Brooklyn Criminal Court:
Young people in Italy respect authority … That respect starts
in the home — then carries over into the school, the city streets,
the courts.
I went into Italian homes to see for myself. I found that even
in the poorest family the father is respected by the wife and
children as its head. He rules with varying degrees of love and
tenderness and firmness. His household has rules to live by, and
the child who disobeys them is punished.
Thus I found the nine-word principle that I think can do more
for us than all the committees, ordinances and multi-million-
dollar programs combined: Put Father back at the head of the
family.

The American teen-ager has been raised in a household
where “obey” is an outlawed word, and where the mother has put
herself at the head of the family. — Reader’s Digest, March, 1958,
via Plain Truth about Child-Rearing, p. 7
Whether or not this description is still true in Italy, the principle is
still true because it agrees with the Bible.
Parents have no basis to expect children to respect their authority,
until the parents correct their own relationship toward authority. As it
was with love, so it is with authority. To relate properly to the children,
parents must begin by relating properly to one another.
Parents have authority over children.
Proverbs 1:8 — A son should hear his father’s instruction and not
forsake his mother’s law.
Ephesians 6:1; Colossians 3:20 — Children should obey their
parents.
Luke 2:51 — Jesus set the example for children by being subject to
His earthly parents.
Deuteronomy 21:18-21 — The Old Testament said to stone a
stubborn and rebellious son, who would not obey his parents.
Romans 1:30,32 — As with other sins listed, those who disobey their
parents are worthy of death, and so are those who justify others who
disobey.
Isaiah 3:12 — God described evil in Israel, saying that children
would oppress them and women would rule over them. The existence of
such conditions indicates a decadent society.
These teachings all come from the word of God. God made both
parents and children. He knows what is best for all. If these views seem
overly strict to us, then we should seriously ask ourselves whether we too
have been influenced by our permissive society.
[Cf. 2 Tim. 3:2; Jer. 35; Phil. 2:22; 1 Pet. 1:14; Prov. 30:17.]
Authority Produces Cooperation
and Organization in the Home.
A group of people needs organization and cooperation in order to
work together effectively. But organization and cooperation require
someone to be recognized as a leader. This explains why God ordained
authority in every human relationship that He ordained.
Citizens must submit to civil government
See Romans 13:1-6; 1 Peter 2:13,14.
Imagine what a country would be like if there were no rules. No one
would even know what side of the street to drive on or who had the right-
of-way at intersections!
Employees must submit to their employers
See Ephesians 6:5-8; 1 Peter 2:18.

Consider what a business would be like with no supervision. How
could a company function if everyone came and went as they pleased, or
did whatever they pleased whenever they pleased?
So, authority is needed to achieve cooperation. Without leadership,
every effort to work together would be ruined due to indecision.
Likewise, in the home, someone has to be in charge. God has ordained
that the husband is the head, and the children should submit to the
parents.
Authority Enables Children to Benefit
from the Parents’ Wisdom.
By reason of experience, parents generally have more
wisdom than children.
Proverbs 29:15 — A child left to himself (unsupervised) will cause
shame. But the rod and reproof will give him wisdom (gained from the
parents).
Proverbs 4:10-12 — Because of his parents’ instructions, the child is
wiser. He can avoid problems and mistakes he might otherwise make.
This gives children a sense of security.
Children generally know their parents are wiser than they are. They
know they need guidance at times. They may act confident, but behind
the false front they are often insecure. Parental guidance assures the
child that he is doing what is best. That is why children actually have
greater respect for adults who enforce fair rules than they have for
permissive parents.
To illustrate, imagine driving in steep mountains and crossing a
bridge over a deep chasm – with no guardrails! Would you be afraid?
With guardrails, we can be confident, even though we may be just a few
feet from the edge. So, the limits set by parents give children security.
They know their parents will not let them do anything that would be
seriously harmful.
Authority Molds Children’s Character and Habits.
Proper training develops character that children will
maintain even when older.
Proverbs 22:6 — Properly trained children will not depart from
their training even when they are old. People live according to their
character and habits. If we train children to develop good character and
habits, they will probably maintain those habits. But habits come by
repetition. So, parents should insist that children practice what is right
till it becomes ingrained.

How can parents get children to practice and develop good
habits?
Reasoning with children, by itself, will not always work, even if
parents have a good relation with their children. Sometimes the child is
simply too young or too rebellious to understand and appreciate our
reasons (cf. 1 Cor. 13:11). But if we wait until he understands and agrees
with what is right, it may be too late to ingrain the proper habits.
1 Samuel 2:22-25; 3:12,13 — Note that Eli told his sons they were
wrong — he instructed them. But it wasn’t enough. They still would not
obey. God rejected Eli’s house because Eli did not restrain his sons.
What was Eli missing? Authority! He did not make and enforce
rules to control his sons and require them to practice good habits and
character. Proper control restrains and molds the child’s conduct so that
good qualities and habits tend to stay with him even when he is mature.
Parental Authority Teaches Children
to Respect All Authority.
Adults must regularly relate to all kinds of authority.
As discussed earlier, in government, business, and the home,
authority organizes people to work together. If we want to raise children
to be well-adjusted adults, we must teach them how to properly relate to
authority: how to submit to others who have authority, and how to
exercise authority when they themselves have it.
How can we accomplish this? The best way is to develop a proper
authority relationship between our children and ourselves. This teaches
children how to properly submit to authority, and the parents’ example
shows children how to properly use authority.
Many “psychologists” teach the opposite. They say use of authority
makes children maladjusted, destroys their self-image, and makes them
more likely to rebel. So parents think, “I don’t want my children to
rebel,” so they give in to them. The result is manipulation and emotional
blackmail. God’s word says just the opposite. Does He know best or
doesn’t He?
The main reason so many children today grow up rebellious and
maladjusted is simply that they have not been properly required to
submit to authority. They manipulate their parents, and the parents
don’t know what to do about it. They successfully rebel against their
parents, so they proceed to rebel against the whole “establishment”:
government, employers, church, and God. Instead of teaching them
submission, we have taught them rebellion by allowing it to “succeed.”
The truth is that parents are the primary authorities that children
must relate to for their first twenty or so years, and especially for their
first five years. If parents allow their children to manipulate them and
get their own way against their parents’ better judgment - most likely

those children will always have difficulty relating to authority and will
live a miserable life.
People must especially learn how to relate to the authority of
God.
If children do not learn respect for God’s authority while at home,
they may never learn it.
When a child can successfully defy his parents during his first
fifteen years, laughing in their faces and stubbornly flouting their
authority, he develops a natural contempt for them … His parents
are not deserving of his respect, and he does not want to identify
with anything they represent … This factor is important for
Christian parents who wish to sell their concept of God to their
children. They must first sell themselves. If they are not worthy of
respect, then neither is their religion or their morals, or their
government, or their country, or any of their values — Dr. James
Dobson, Dare to Discipline, p. 12.
God Himself is an “authority figure.” To receive eternal life, we must
obey Him (Matt. 28:18-20; 7:21-27; Ecc. 12:13; Heb. 5:9; 1 Pet. 1:22;
etc.). But if a child grows up without learning respect for authority - if he
develops a pattern of disobeying his parents’ rules and getting away with
it - he will naturally rebel against God and think he can get away with
that!
This is exactly the point where many Christian parents
lose their children to the world. This is usually the “bottom line.” If
you do not restrain your children but let them manipulate you and evade
your authority, they will most likely grow up to disrespect God and His
will – just like Eli’s sons did (1 Sam. 3:13). And God will hold you
accountable, like he did Eli.
It follows that parents must learn to properly exercise authority, not
for their own benefit, but for the good of the child. Authority teaches
lessons that benefit the child both now and for eternity. This is why use
of authority is not contrary to love but is a proper exercise of love.
How Should Children Show

Respect for Authority?
Some parents don’t seem to realize that they have disrespectful

children. So, what is included in the respect we seek to teach our
children?

Children Must Act Obediently.
This is the essence of respect for authority. Many passages
specifically state this.
Ephesians 6:1 — Children obey your parents in the Lord. God says,
“This is right”!
Romans 1:30,32 — Those who disobey parents are worthy of death.
In all areas of life, respect for authority requires obedience. So, a
child who persistently disobeys in the home is a child who simply has
not learned respect for authority. Yet in home after home - even the
homes of Christians - children repeatedly refuse to obey. The parent
says, “Johnny, do this,” but Johnny does what he wants instead. Then
the parents apologize for it, laugh it off, or simply ignore it like it’s an
everyday occurrence.
Parents, you are trying to raise godly children. The ultimate goal
of your authority is to teach your children respect for God’s authority.
You should expect your children to obey you like God will
expect them to obey Him. Do they?
Do your children obey promptly, or do they procrastinate, make
excuses, manipulate, and evade your instructions? Do they obey with an
attitude of good will, or do they groan, complain, whine, make faces, and
stomp away? Do they obey exactly, or do they bend the rules and justify
partial obedience? Do they obey when you are not watching or only if
they know they will get caught? What kind of obedience does God expect
of us? If your children have not learned to obey you like they should obey
God, then you have work to do. God says it your job to teach them!
[Cf. Deut. 21:18-21; 2 Tim. 3:2; Col. 3:20.]
Children Must Speak Respectfully.
Our permissive age allows children, from preschoolers to teens, to
say anything, in any tone of voice, and with any attitude. One high school
parenting text says parents should allow “children the right to have all
kinds of feelings and wishes and to express them freely” (Caring for
Children, Draper and Draper, p281). So, your child has the right to say
whatever he wants to.
That’s why we hear little children yell and scream at parents, mock
them, and backtalk (“sass”): “No, I won’t! You can’t make me! You leave
me alone! You shut up!”
We are told this “gets it out of their system.” But remember, what
we repeatedly practice becomes our habit. What such conduct really
does is ingrain the habit of disrespect for authority. It makes rebellion a
fundamental part of their “system”!
Consider the teaching of Scripture.
Ephesians 6:2,3 — Children should honor their parents. This
includes many things, such as supporting the parents in their old age.
But one thing included is speaking respectfully.

Matthew 15:4 — Jesus contrasted “honoring” parents to speaking
evil of them. He who cursed his parents should “be put to death” under
the Old Law (cf. Ex. 21:17). To curse means to express a desire for harm
to befall someone. Cursing does not necessarily involve using profanity
– though we sometimes hear children do that too! Some kids say to their
parents, “Oh, drop dead.” “Go jump off a bridge.” If that isn’t cursing,
what is it? Is it “honoring” the parent?
Proverbs 30:11,17 — Destruction will come to a son who curses,
mocks, or disobeys his parents. Yet, parents often tolerate children who
rebelliously make fun of them and disobey them.
1 Timothy 5:1 — Do not rebuke an elder, but exhort him as a father.
There are respectful ways to speak to a father, and there are disrespectful
ways.
Specifically, parents should never, never let their children
say “No” to the parents’ rules. This does not refer to when the
parent simply asks what the child wants, but when the parent has given
the child an instruction. Does saying “No” express honor to the parent?
Does it express obedience? May we say “No” to God?
We must tell our kids, “Don’t you talk to your mother like that!” And
the other parent must back it up. We should train our children to speak
respectfully to us, not for our own selfish pride, but because they need to
learn respect!
[Cf. Ezek. 2:3-7; Ex. 20:12; Lev. 19:3; Deut. 27:16; Ezek. 22:7.]
May a child ever express disagreement with a parent’s
decision?
Some parents refuse to ever allow a child to express disagreement.
This builds rebellion because it is unfair. Such an approach assumes
parents are infallible, which is simply untrue.
1 Timothy 5:1 said Timothy could speak to an elder as to a father —
including telling him he was wrong. But the manner he did it must be
respectful. If a child speaks calmly, but simply thinks he has a better idea
or just does not understand the parents’ decision, discuss with him.
Maybe he does have a better idea. Or if not, the discussion may help him
understand the parents’ views. Let the parent consider the child’s view,
but it must be clear that the child must live with the final decision
whether or not he likes it.
But if a child speaks with a rebellious, defiant, disrespectful attitude
or tone of voice (parents can tell the difference, and so can children),
parents must punish the child’s defiance, regardless of the worth of his
ideas.
We must teach children that we are willing to discuss if they have a
humble, respectful attitude; but rebellion will not be tolerated.
[Cf. Matt. 19:19; Mk. 7:10; 10:19; Luke 18:20.]

Children Must Never Strike or Hit Their Parents.
When a child becomes angry or frustrated, he may strike a parent
in anger. Sometimes larger children injure or even murder their parents.
Exodus 21:15 — He who strikes a parent would be put to death
under the Old Law. (“Smite” does not necessarily mean to kill — cf. vv
18,19).
Proverbs 19:26 — He who does violence to (“assaults” — NASB) his
parents is a shame and reproach. [Cf. 1 Tim. 1:9.]
Parents must begin early to teach children such conduct will not be
tolerated. If your little child hits you in defiance and disagreement with
your wishes, you must punish that child severely and teach him he never
has the right to strike you.
Some Specific Suggestions for

Dealing with Problem Areas
We earlier discussed some of the major forces that often influence

young people away from God. Consider some suggestions about using
our authority as parents to control these forces.
Entertainment
What should parents do about immoral entertainment: television,
movies, music, computer games, the Internet, etc.?
Realize that the nature of our entertainment really does
matter.
1 Thessalonians 5:21,22 — Prove all things. Hold fast what is good;
abstain from what is evil. God’s people must examine what they do and
take a stand against evil.
Ephesians 5:11 — Have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of
darkness, but rather expose them. If a particular form of entertainment
is a work of darkness, may we enjoy it and promote it, or should we
oppose it and speak out against it?
Philippians 4:8 — Meditate on things that are true, honorable, just,
pure, lovely, etc. Does the entertainment we are considering fall in these
categories? If not, why fill our minds with it?
[2 Cor. 13:5; 1 Peter 5:8,9; 2 Cor. 6:14-7:1; 1 Tim. 5:22; Deut.
7:25,26; Prov. 22:3; Rom. 12:1,2; Matt. 18:6-9; 1 Cor. 15:33; Prov. 13:20;
4:23; Psa. 1:1; 26:5; Prov. 23:17,20,21; Psa. 101]
Evaluate and correct your own entertainment.
Matthew 7:1-5 — Before we rebuke others, we must correct our own
conduct. Are we setting the proper example for our children? Or could it

be that the reason they see nothing wrong with immoral entertainment
is because of our example? (Matt. 5:16; 18:6,17; 23:1ff; Rom. 2:21ff)
Train children from early years to evaluate entertainment,
and to enjoy wholesome activities.
Proverbs 22:6 — Train children in the right way so they will
continue that way throughout life. When our children are small, if we
insist that the family avoid corrupt entertainment, and if we provide
wholesome alternatives, children will develop the habit of examining
their entertainment, enjoying what is wholesome, and rejecting what is
corrupt. If our children learn to enjoy and appreciate what is good, they
are far less likely later to enjoy what is corrupt.
Participate as a family and discuss entertainment with your
children.
Too often parents and children enjoy different kinds of
entertainment, so they just go their separate ways. Parents don’t watch
TV or play games with their children or listen to their music, so they
don’t know what their children are involved in.
Ephesians 6:1-4; Proverbs 22:6 — Parents are required to train the
children to serve God. We must examine what they do, so we can guide
them properly. Sit down together, play their music, play their computer
games with them, watch their TV programs, watch movies together, read
books together as a family, then evaluate them according to Bible
standards.
Avoid allowing unlimited access to TV, radio, computer, etc.
Develop rules so you are in control.
Buy, rent, or record video movies, CD’s, etc. (these are much easier
for parents to control). Preview these with your children. If a song,
movie, etc., is unacceptable, tape over it or teach children to turn it off
or skip it.
Keep the TV, computer, etc. in family living areas so you can
monitor what is done. Do not allow children to have a CD player or radio
in their own room until they are old enough and prove themselves to be
responsible in using it. Then take it away if they abuse the privilege.
Frankly, I doubt they should ever be allowed to have a TV or computer
in their own room.
Install child-access controls on the Internet. Use TV-Guardian,
Clearplay, or other such controls to eliminate foul language and
immorality on TV.
Allow no entertainment that the parents have not specifically
previewed and approved. Make sure children know exactly what specific
TV programs, tapes, albums, and radio stations are permitted. Try to
attend movies as a family. Before allowing any family member to watch
a movie, investigate it for profanity, sexual suggestiveness, etc. Check
evaluations of movies on sources such as www.screenit.com and others.

Limit the number of hours per day or week your child may
participate. Initiate a system whereby children must work to earn the
privilege of enjoying some entertainment. Require all chores and
homework to be done first. Do not use TV as a baby-sitter.
In short, control entertainment with a vengeance! Use the off
button! If you cannot control some area, then get rid of it altogether. No
entertainment is worth your child’s soul. If you can’t control TV, for
example, consider eliminating it altogether, or keep it in a closet and
bring it out only for special occasions to watch as a family.
Remember that you are at war with the forces of evil.
Satan is out to get your children. He succeeds far too often.
Genesis 13:12,13 — Remember the story of Lot. For the sake of
material gain, he chose to associate with evil people. Though he himself
was grieved by the evil, he did not protect his family as he should have
(2 Pet. 2:7,8). In the end he lost, not only all those material possessions
that he had desired, but also his wife, children, and sons-in-law to sin
(Gen. 19).
The same is happening to many families today, and one of the main
evils that causes many children to be lost is corrupt entertainment. We
can overcome the problem. But we must realize we are at war and take
adequate defensive measures!
Suppose you lived in the age before television, movies, and
computers had been invented. You knew nothing about them, but
someone came to your home and showed you a typical evening of
modern TV or music or video games. What would you do? Throw it out!
But today we often allow in our homes that which we really know to be
immoral, because we have gradually come to accept it!
Peers
Parents need to have a plan, how to deal with this problem.
Here are some suggestions. (You may find other ways, but these are
some suggestions that harmonize with Bible principles.)
* Get to know your children’s friends. Have them visit in your home.
* Never let your children go anywhere, including dates, unless you
know the people they will be with, where they are going, when they’ll be
back, etc.
Illustration: If a stranger asked to borrow your car, wouldn’t you
want to get to know the person first? Wouldn’t you want assurance
where they were going, what they would do, whom they would be with,
and when they’d be back? Aren’t your children more valuable than your
car?
* Train your children, from a very early age, to choose the right kind
of friends. Especially teach them the importance of marrying a Christian
(and that dating leads to marriage).

* Give your children opportunities to associate with good young
people. Arrange times for young people to be together. Don’t expect the
church to do it. You do it for your children’s good.
* Train your children to talk about the gospel with their peers. It is
not wrong to associate with people who are not Christians. Jesus did so,
but He did it so He could have opportunity to teach. Children should
learn to invite other children to Bible classes, discuss right and wrong,
set up Bible studies, etc. If they date non-Christians, let them be these
kinds of dates.
* Exercise your authority to determine who your child may or may
not be friends with. Young people think, “My folks have no right to tell
me who my friends will be.” But God says, “Children obey your
parents…” (Eph. 6:1) and says parents must train up children to serve
God. If parents determine some young person is a harmful influence on
their child, they have every right to intervene, just the same as they can
make any other decision for the good of their child.
There may be other ideas that help. But the parents are obligated to
plan ways to deal with problems caused by peers.
Education
Parents must plan how to effectively deal with problems in
education.
Here are some suggestions. Other choices may work, but parents
are obligated to deal with the issues, not just throw up our hands and
do nothing and hope the children turn out all right.
* Investigate what’s happening. Visit the schools. Get to know your
child’s teachers and administrators. Read your child’s textbooks.
Volunteer to work at school activities. Read books that inform you what
problems to look for in the schools (check www.eagleforum.org).
Investigate school activities before your child gets involved. Find out if
a class or extra-curricular activity will involve missing services,
immodesty, false teaching, etc.
* Make clear to all involved that your child will not participate in
certain activities. Write out a list such areas of concern (sex education,
evolution, abortion, homosexuality, etc.). Talk to your child’s teacher
about them. Have the list put in your child’s school record and state in
writing that your child is not to be presented any such material without
your express prior approval.
* If a problem exists in a class or activity, talk to people in charge
and work out an arrangement for your child to be excused or given some
other activity, etc.
* Talk with children at home about matters of concern. Try to get
open communication. (But don’t rely entirely on this because sometimes
children don’t talk about their problems).

* Teach your children the truth diligently and regularly about the
concerns they are facing in the schools. Have regular studies at home,
etc.
* Limit your child’s involvement in school activities. Schools
increasingly dominate children’s time. They get them younger and keep
them longer. They promote day-care, preschool, kindergarten, after-
school activities, and sometimes before-school activities. All this
strengthens the school’s influence and weakens the family’s influence.
Instead of this, de-emphasize school involvement, and emphasize
family and church activities. Have recreation and work together as a
family. Worship God together, study His word, and pray, visit in homes
of other Christian, attend all church assemblies and classes, visit area
gospel meetings, clean the building, do personal work together, help
them learn to teach class, etc.
* Stand for the truth regardless of the consequences. If it means
your child’s grades suffer or he faces ridicule or embarrassment, so be it.
First-century Christians went to prison, were beaten and even died
rather than participate in error. Parents must teach children to
sacrifice and suffer for the cause of Christ.
* You may need to consider alternative forms of education: private
school or home schooling. These may not work for everybody, but for
many people they are a true blessing.
* Remember God gave you the responsibility to train your children
to serve Him (Eph. 6:4). And he will hold you accountable. Even when
your children are at school, you (not the school) have the
ultimate responsibility for seeing that your child is rightly trained.
If the schools cooperate with your authority, wonderful. If not, then it’s
your job to take whatever steps are needed for the good of your child.
Conclusion
Luke 6:46 — Why do you call Me “Lord, Lord,” and do not do the
things which I say? Authority is a critical issue facing society. Children
must learn the proper attitude toward authority in their homes, as they
relate to the authority of their parents. The way we exercise authority
toward our children will very likely determine their eternal destiny.
Are the children in your home learning proper authority
relationships?

Key #6: Motivation:
Punishments and
Rewards
Parents would prefer that their children simply obey them by their
own choice. But in practice, this does not always happen. Often the
child’s will conflicts with that of the parent. Then, if the child is to learn
respect for authority and do what we believe to be best for him, we must
still get them to obey us. How can we lead a child to obey when he would
rather not?
The answer is that parents must motivate the child to obey.
Whatever reasons the child has for not obeying, we must give him
stronger reasons to obey! This is done by rewards and punishments.
When the child obeys, we make him glad by giving him a pleasant
experience. When he disobeys, we make him sorry by giving an
unpleasant experience. He eventually learns it is to his advantage to
obey.
Psychologists call this “reinforcement.” It is used in training
animals. Obedience leads to a pleasant result; disobedience leads to an
unpleasant result. We are dealing, not with animals, but with children
who have intelligence and emotional needs. Above all, they have a spirit
in the image of God and will eventually receive an eternal destiny based
on their conduct before God. This is why we already emphasized love
and instruction. Nevertheless, the principles of rewards and
punishments are useful and Scriptural.
Consider how these principles can be used in training children.
Spanking
Many child-rearing “authorities” oppose the use of spanking.

Psychologist Linda Budd wrote that, if you spank your child, you should,

“Apologize. Own up to your mistake” (via Greg Gwin, Good News,
5/28/95). So, consider a Biblical defense of spanking.
Spanking Is Taught in the Bible.
God’s word commands parents to use spanking when needed.
Proverbs 22:15 — Foolishness is bound in a child’s heart, but the rod
drives it from him. Parents must exercise authority and give their
children rules. But all children, at times, will test those limits. Then
punishment is needed to “restrain” them.
Proverbs 19:18 — Chasten the son while there is still hope. This is
for his good. Children must be taught obedience while they are young,
even before their reasoning ability matures. If you wait till later, they
may be past “hope.” [See also Prov. 29:15; 23:13; 20:30.]
Proverbs 13:24 — One who does not spank his son, when it is
needed, hates his son. One who loves his son will chasten him. God says
spanking is not an act of hatred. On the contrary, properly done,
spanking is an act of love, and those who deny the value of
spanking are the ones who God says hate children.
The issue of spanking boils down to the authority of God and the
inspiration of the Bible. A psychologist may question my intelligence.
But when he challenges spanking, he is disagreeing, not with me, but
with God. And God is smarter than all the psychologists put together!
Spanking is compared to God’s punishment of his people —
Hebrews 12:5-11.
God Himself compares His chastisement of people to earthly
fathers who chasten their sons. God says that all fathers will chasten
their children; otherwise, it indicates that the child is illegitimate (vv 6-
8)!
Further, this chastening is an act of love, not hatred (v6), because it
results in good for the child (vv 10,11). Some claim that punishing
children produces resentment and misunderstanding, causing them to
hate and disrespect their parents. But God says that discipline leads the
child to respect the father (v9).
If parents should not punish children, then it follows that God
should not punish evil men. But He does punish evil men, and no one is
wiser than He is. He is our perfect example of a good Father.
Finally, note that this is a New Testament Scripture. Some people
question our use of Old Testament Scripture on this subject; but here is
a New Testament Scripture that teaches the same thing. In fact, vv 5,6
quote Proverbs 3:11,12. God’s teaching on this matter is the same today
as it was in the Old Testament!
People who deny the value of spanking, therefore, are denying the
wisdom and authority of God Himself. Some don’t know this; others do
it knowingly. But regardless, to oppose spanking is to directly attack the
inspiration of the Bible and the infallibility of God. Parents must

understand and appreciate the value of spanking, regardless of what any
human “authorities” claim.
[Cf. Rev. 3:19; Deut. 8:5; 28:15; Ex. 7-12; 2 Thess. 1:8-10; etc.]
Spanking Works Where Other Methods Fail.
People who oppose spanking, offer no workable alternatives.
Some authorities say to “reason” with the child till he agrees.
“Intelligent parents rarely resort to corporal punishment … An
intelligent disciplinary method is the use of reasoning at the child’s level
of understanding…” — Growing Superior Children, pp. 452 (via Plain
Truth about Child Rearing, p. 26). My translation: “Spanking proves
you lack intelligence. If you were smart enough, you could talk them into
obeying!”
This statement flatly denies Bible teaching. Reasoning with children
is important and should not be neglected, but it has limits. Often
immediate obedience is needed, as when a child is playing in the street
and a car is coming! Some children are too young and inexperienced to
understand the wisdom of the parents’ reasons. And often the child is
just too stubborn and self-willed to listen. In such cases, no amount of
reasoning will change him.
Dr. Dobson (DTD, pp. 18ff) tells of a young mother who had been
taught to reason her child into obedience. When she put her three-year-
old son in his crib, he spat in her face. When she tried to reason with
him, he repeated it. She finally fled the room as he spat on the back of
the door! She said she could never control him after that; as a teenager
he rebelled against every request she made.
We need to reason with our children as part of our instruction. But
there are times when every child determines to have his own way, and
no amount of reasoning will convince him. The result becomes a war of
attrition, in which the child will continue arguing till he wears you down.
He must be taught that “crime does not pay.” Pain works wonders.
Again, some suggest that we just “control the child’s
environment.”
We are told to not make demands and children won’t rebel. Just
remove all temptation and give the children recreation and interesting
toys; then they will never want to do bad things. My translation: “Just
let the kid have his own way, and there will be no conflicts.”
Again, there is value in keeping temptation out of the child’s way.
But to do this to the exclusion of spanking contradicts the Bible, and
experience shows that it simply does not work.
Matthew 16:24 – To be a follower of Jesus we must learn to deny
and control ourselves. The child who is given everything he wants never
learns self-sacrifice and self-denial. He becomes self-centered and
thinks the world must always adapt to him and give him what he wants.
As he grows up, his demands become bigger and bigger, till finally his

parents cannot satisfy his demands. His environment cannot always be
controlled, so sooner or later he must face temptation and learn to
control himself. Otherwise, he is destined for major trouble in life,
because he thinks the world owes him a living; but the world will not
always give him what he wants. The result is unhappy, miserable
delinquents, rebels, and criminals such as flood our land.
Dr. Dobson (DTD, pp. 14f) tells of another family where the parents
always gave their daughter whatever she wanted, never crossed her, and
never made demands. She became a selfish and disrespectful teenager,
throwing terrible tantrums if she did not get her way. They tried to give
a party to please her, but she brought in disrespectful, rebellious friends
who proceeded to tear things up. When the mother said something that
angered her, the daughter “struck her down and left her helpless” lying
in a pool of blood on the floor. The daughter then went out unconcerned
to dance with her friends in the backyard.
This is an extreme example. But the point is that without spanking
and physical punishment child rearing is doomed to failure. Spanking
uses relatively mild and temporary pain to teach the child lessons that
will help him avoid much greater hardships and trouble later in life and
in eternity. In this way, spanking benefits the child and is therefore an
act of love.
Objections to Spanking Are Not Valid.
Some say spanking leads to child abuse or even constitutes
child abuse.
The parenting text Child Growth and Development, p315, says
physical punishment is “unsatisfactory” because, “All physical
punishment has the danger of turning into child abuse or causing injury
when the adult is really angry. For this reason alone, it should be
avoided.”
Sweden outlawed spanking on the grounds that it is child abuse. In
this country, schoolteachers are generally forbidden to spank, and some
people have tried to pass laws forbidding parents to spank their own
children. Often overly zealous social workers harass parents and call
them into court, simply because parents exercise Scriptural discipline.
We do not deny that child abuse exists. We deplore it as much or
more than others do. But we affirm that scriptural spanking, rather than
constituting child abuse, actually helps prevent it.
We have shown by the Scriptures that exercise of Scriptural
discipline is an expression of love for children. It is done for the child’s
well being. In contrast, the child abuser loses sight of the child’s well-
being and acts from selfishness and anger. Such conduct flatly
contradicts the Bible and is not what we are defending.
Actually, proper spanking helps avoids child abuse. The reason
people abuse children is that they do not know how to properly control

them. The children’s conduct frustrates and angers the parent till finally
he loses control and, in a fit of anger and frustration, does lasting harm
to the child. If instead parents would learn to discipline their children
when the need first becomes evident, the matter would never get so out
of hand.
Others say spanking makes the child feel guilty and destroys
his self-esteem.
“The chief danger of punishment is that it makes the child feel guilty
— that he is bad, naughty” — Complete Book of Mothercraft, p391 (via
Plain Truth about Child Rearing, p21).
But wait! What if the child has been bad and naughty? What if he is
guilty, but doesn’t feel guilty? What if he has been disrespectful or has
done what could lead him into sin? It sounds like punishment is just
what he needs!
A fundamental error of modern psychology is that it often denies
evil and guilt. It fails to hold people accountable for their misdeeds. It
teaches them to have a high self-image by whitewashing and denying
their guilt. But people remain unhappy and maladjusted, because sub-
consciously they still know something is wrong. Worse yet, this approach
leaves people with no real solution for their problem. The truth often is
they are guilty; but by leading them to deny guilt, psychology leaves them
with no way to remedy it.
The Bible teaches us to recognize that, when people do wrong, they
are guilty and should be told so. If they stubbornly refuse to admit guilt,
they should be punished so they suffer for their wrong till they admit it.
This is true of children and adults.
Proverbs 20:30 – Blows and stripes cleanse away guilt and reach
the inner depths of the heart. Like many Bible principles, spanking is not
just an external act. It reaches the heart and teaches the child to become
an upright, righteous person. It molds godly character.
The Bible does not just teach about guilt; it also has a solution for
the guilt. When one is sorry, repents, apologizes, and corrects his
conduct, he receives forgiveness from God and from other people (Matt.
6:12-15; Luke 17:3,4). One reason many people do not appreciate the
value of spanking, is that they do not understand God’s concept of guilt
and forgiveness. Spanking has the major advantage of harmonizing with
the Bible concept of guilt and forgiveness and instilling that concept in
our children.
Others say spanking teaches children to use violence.
Sociology Professor Murray Strauss wrote: “Spanking teaches kids
that when someone is doing something you don’t like and they won’t
stop doing it, you hit them” (via Greg Gwin, Good News, 5/28/95). So
supposedly, spanking teaches children that “might makes right,” and if
we are bigger and stronger than others we can get our way by violence.

That may sound reasonable, and that could happen if we are not
motivated by proper concern for the child. But the truth is just the
opposite when we discipline properly. An undisciplined child is the one
who tends to use violence. He throws fits in rebellion against his parents’
authority, but he never suffers for such conduct. As he gets older, he
learns to throw bigger fits, including physical violence against those who
don’t let him have his way, just as in the examples we have mentioned.
But if instead, when he is small, he is punished for his fits and is not
allowed to get his way by such conduct, then he learns that violence does
not pay.
Spanking, coupled with love and instruction, teaches children the
vital principle that only people in positions of proper authority
have the right to punish others. Parents do no spank just because
they are bigger and can “get their own way” by violence. Rather, they
have God-given authority to train a child for the child’s good. Children
have no right to punish others, because they do not have authority.
Children can learn to see the difference.
Again, this teaches the child to respect other authority roles, such
as God Himself, civil rulers, etc. (Rom. 12:19; 13:1-7). Those who say that
spanking teaches children to be violent are, perhaps unknowingly,
denying the right of God, civil rulers, and all authority figures to require
a penalty of those who flaunt authority. In short, they have a perverted
concept of authority.
Others say spanking simply does not work.
“The best that can be said for spanking is that it sometimes clears
the air. But it isn’t worth the price, and it usually doesn’t work” — The
Complete Book of Mothercraft, p. 367 (via Plain Truth about Child
Rearing, p. 26.) Parents often make similar statements: “I tried
spanking my child, but it just didn’t make any difference.”
Spanking can fail, but only when it has been misused. You are not
guaranteed success just because you occasionally spank your child.
Spanking must be administered properly (see notes below). And it must
be used in connection with love, instruction, and rewards, as we discuss
elsewhere.
And spanking must be used diligently and consistently. You cannot
overcome months of improper training with just a few spankings. You
will not succeed if you get discouraged and quit trying after a few
attempts, nor if you occasionally spank a child for some offenses but then
just ignore other times when he is naughty.
Proper training must also begin early. It is possible to wait till a
child is so mature that his bad habits are thoroughly ingrained. You still
should attempt to use right methods, but it may be too late to change his
conduct (Prov. 19:18).
Those who object to spanking fall into one or more of the following
categories: (1) they are ignorant of the Bible, or (2) they simply reject the

Bible teaching, or (3) they have observed parents who misuse the Biblical
concept of discipline. In short, whenever people oppose spanking, at the
root of their opposition lies a misunderstanding of authority.
But anything good can be misused; Satan consistently leads people
to pervert what is good. Like fire, electricity, atomic energy, and other
powerful forces, spanking can be misused and cause great damage. But
the fact there are dangers in these areas does not keep us from using
them for the good they can accomplish. When people understand God-
given concepts of authority and practice them wisely, they will find that
spanking is both useful and indispensable.
Rewards as a Form of Control
Some parents act as though controlling children is entirely a matter

of punishment. They never give rewards and sometimes speak as though
they think it is wrong to do so. One book I read calls it “bribery.” So,
consider a Biblical defense of using rewards in raising children.
Rewards Are Part of Life as a Principle of Authority.
Parents ought to prepare children to live in the “real world.” But
when they are on their own, it is right for them to expect rewards for
their labor. Why should we not teach them this by rewarding them as
they grow up?
Luke 10:7 — The laborer is worthy of his wage, but lazy, negligent
workers do not deserve to be rewarded. (See also Matt. 25:14-30; 20:1-
15; James 5:4; 1 Cor. 9:6-14; 1 Tim. 5:17,18; Eph. 4:28; 2 Thess. 3:10).
Men do not work on a job simply for the fun of it. We rightly expect
to be paid, and we hope that the people who benefit from our labors will
express appreciation.
1 Peter 2:13,14 – Rulers should praise citizens who do good, not just
punish criminals. This carries over into other areas of life. Children who
work hard on schoolwork, get a better grade. When people are
overweight, if they exercise they may be rewarded by losing weight.
Proverbs 27:2 – Let another man praise you and not your own lips.
Children who are not praised may grow up bragging and showing off to
get attention. When parents give proper praise, their children learn not
to brag on themselves.
So one reason for rewarding children is to prepare them for life!
God Rewards People for Their Service.
Hebrews 11:6 — God is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.
He often rewarded Israel for their faithfulness (Deut. 28:1,2ff). The New
Testament promises that those who are faithful will receive all spiritual

blessings in this life (Eph. 1:3) and eternal life at the Judgment (Rom.
8:14,17; 2:6-11).
God does not just punish evil; He also rewards good. This has
always been a fundamental part of the Divine nature. If Hebrews 12 uses
the fact that God chastises us as proof we should chastise our children,
then shouldn’t we also imitate His example of rewarding good?
Remember that God is our perfect example of a father.
By using rewards as well as punishments, we help children
understand the true nature of their Heavenly Father, and we teach them
how to properly relate to authority.
A Bible Example of Parental Rewards
Luke 15:20-24 — When the prodigal son repented and returned
from sin, the father kissed him, rejoiced, and gave a feast in his honor.
He rewarded the son for doing what was right!
One way to reward a child is by letting him work for physical things
he wants: money or some item he wants. But this does not mean the child
should be paid for everything he does. His parents are already providing
him with food, clothes, shelter, etc. If the laborer is worthy of his reward,
then the child already owes it to the parents to work in return for all that
the parents do for the child! And especially in spiritual matters, children
need to learn the value of deferring their reward till judgment day, not
necessarily expecting immediate rewards for serving God.
Romans 13:7 – Give honor to whom honor is due. Another form of
reward parents ought to emphasize is expressing appreciation and
giving praise. This is simply a matter of showing gratitude. (Matt. 25:21)
The nature of the rewards should be a matter of the parents’ good
judgment. Use your ingenuity. Learn to watch for things your children
want. When they ask, “May I do this or go there or have that …,” try
responding, “If you’ll do this work first, then you may.” You may promise
to read a book to the child after he picks up his toys. As children grow
older, perhaps you can pay an allowance for special jobs he does.
The point is to give pleasant results to reward the child for doing
good as well as giving unpleasant consequences for failing to do good.
This is both Biblical and practical: it works.
Other Useful Methods of Control
I cannot give a complete list of good methods parents can use to

motivate children, but I can suggest some possibilities as illustrations.
Parents should use their ingenuity.

Acceptable Substitutes
If a child has been corrected for some wrong or has been forbidden
to do something unacceptable, you may offer him an acceptable
alternative rather than leave him disappointed or tempted to disobey
your instructions.
If he cannot ride his tricycle because it is raining, suggest some
inside game or activity.
If you teach him not to go to the prom, offer him a night out with
the family or a banquet with other Christian friends.
This too is Biblical. God does not just forbid sin; He tells us the good
we should replace it with (Eph. 4:22-32). This approach leaves the child
with much less temptation to do wrong, and teaches him to have a
positive outlook and be content even when he cannot get his way.
But don’t go too far. Don’t use this as an excuse to avoid punishing
rebellion. When a child is rebelling, he should first be punished, not
rewarded by giving him something pleasant to do.
Withholding Privileges
Rewards are given only to those who deserve them. When a child
misbehaves, withholding a privilege or reward may be an appropriate
punishment. Usually such punishments are most effective if the
connection between the punishment and the crime is fairly obvious.
If he doesn’t finish a job or homework, he can’t go play till he is
finished.
If he disobeys rules about some toy, the toy is put up for a while
where he can’t play with it.
If he misbehaves with his friends, then he cannot visit with them for
a period of time.
If he does not come home on time, he is “grounded” and can’t go
where he wants for a while.
If an older teen uses the car irresponsibly, his use of the car is
withdrawn for a while.
Apology
Matthew 5:23,24; Luke 17:3,4 – The Bible teaches us to apologize
to people we have wronged. Parents should require children to practice
this principle. When the child wrongs another child, an adult, or the
parents themselves, the child must apologize.
This also constitutes good discipline, because it is hard to admit our
error face-to-face to the person we wronged. The child is not likely to
soon repeat the act that led to this consequence.
Natural Consequences
Some acts naturally lead to unpleasant consequences that teach the
child a lesson without the parents’ having to punish them.

Luke 15:14-17 - The Prodigal Son’s father allowed his son to suffer
the consequences of doing wrong. The boy reached the bottom, but
nobody bailed him out (including his father). As a result, he “came to
himself” and repented. Modern parents should learn the lesson. [Cf. 1
Sam. 8:9ff.]
Sometimes this method is the only one children will listen to. They
may have to learn some lessons the hard way. If they refuse to listen to
us, don’t protect them from the consequences of their wrong.
If a child torments a cat, warn him to quit. If he continues, the cat
may scratch him.
If a child makes a foolish debt, make him work to pay it off.
If he misbehaves at school, don’t take his part against the teacher or
school authorities. Let them punish him.
If he misbehaves toward a neighbor (as by damaging their
property), make him go face the angry neighbor and fix what he broke.
If he breaks a law and the judge fines him, make him work to pay
off the fine.
If the consequences are too severe, we may prefer a lesser
punishment (spank the child instead of letting him burn himself on a hot
stove). But sometimes a child simply won’t learn from the parents’
teaching.
When children live in sin, they often want their parents to accept
and support them despite the sin. Instead, parents should insist that
either the sin stops or the support stops.
Many parents “bail out” their children when they get in trouble, so
the children never learn responsibility. Sometimes the best punishment
is to let the child suffer for his error and don’t protect him from the
consequences.
Logical Consequences
Sometimes we can think of a punishment that is logically associated
with the wrong deed. It “fits the crime.”
When a child accidentally spills or breaks something, spanking
usually is not appropriate. Instead, have him clean up what he spilled or
pay to replace what he broke.
If he misbehaves in how he uses a toy or equipment (bicycle), put
the toy away where he can’t use it for a specified time.
If he mistreats other family members, isolate him from the family
as by sitting in the corner.
If children squabble and can’t get along, they may be separated from
one another so they can’t play together.
Divine Corrections for Sin
When the child’s conduct is sinful, we should use the same methods
for correction that we should with others who sin. This includes:

Use God’s word to instruct and rebuke them.
2 Timothy 3:16,17 [4:2-4] – Use the Bible to show them where they
are wrong and warn them of the consequences. The Scriptures are
“profitable for reproof.”
Make clear that you are acting for the child’s good. Don’t lead them
to think the Bible is a tool for parents to get their own way. Show them
that this is God’s will and they must obey God.
Cooperate with other Christians and the church, when they
rebuke the child.
Galatians 6:1 - If Christians talk to our child about his sins, the
parents may become defensive and protective. Instead, we should realize
that this is for our child’s good. We should appreciate people who care
enough to help. Remember the father of the prodigal, who allowed his
son to suffer the consequences of his sin till the son repented.
2 Thessalonians 3:6,14,15 - If the church exercises Scriptural
discipline because our child sinned, we should cooperate and respect the
church’s decision. The Old Law taught parents to actively participate in
congregational punishment of erring children (Deut. 21:18-21; 13:6-11;
Zech. 13:3). If we oppose Scriptural discipline, we become a partaker of
the sin — 2 John 10,11.
Pray for the child to do right.
James 5:16 – Confess your faults to one another and pray for one
another. When the child admits his error, pray to God to help him do
right. If he is old enough to be a Christian, then his disobedience to you
was also a sin against God. Have him confess to God and pray for
forgiveness. (Acts 8:22; Matthew 6:12; 21:28-32; 2 Corinthians 7:10; 1
John 1:8-10; Proverbs 28:13)
Parents may find other means of motivating children. But the
principle always is: give pleasant consequences for good behavior,
unpleasant consequences for bad behavior.
Guidelines for Proper Use of

Punishments and Rewards
To be effective and Scriptural, punishments and rewards must be

administered according to certain rules. The mere fact you use spanking
(or other punishments) and rewards, does not of itself guarantee
parental success.
Never Inflict Lasting Damage to a Child.
Remember that you seek to punish for the child’s good, not for his
harm. We seek only temporary pain to change the child’s conduct. To

inflict lasting harm is unloving, does not accomplish the purpose of
punishment, and violates the command not to discourage our children
(Eph. 6:4; Col. 3:21).
Yet many parents do harm their children. Child abuse is a definite
problem in our society. Literally thousands of children every year are
beaten to death by their parents, left abandoned, or otherwise inflicted
with lasting harm. All such conduct neglects parental responsibility and
violates Scripture.
Motivate Children by Prompt Actions,
Not by Arguing and Yelling.
Some parents try to control children by yelling or endless
talk.
Dr. Dobson gives this example:
I knew of a family with four of the world’s most undisciplined
children. These youngsters were the terrors of their
neighborhood; they were disrespectful, loud, and aggressive. They
roamed in and out of garages, helping themselves to tools and
equipment. It became necessary for neighbors to remove handles
from outside water faucets, because these children enjoyed
leaving the water running when the families were gone. It was
interesting to observe the method of discipline used by their
mother, because whatever it was, it didn’t work. Her system of
controlling children boiled down to a simple formula: she would
rush out the front door about once every hour, and scream: “I have
had it with you; I have had it with you children!” Then she would
turn and go back into the house. The children never even looked
up at her. If they knew she was there they gave no indication of it.
She apparently felt it was sufficient for her to come out like a
cuckoo clock and remind them that she was still on the job — DTD,
pp. 9,10.
We may know such methods are ineffective, yet may make the same
mistake in other ways. We may nag and harp, threaten and scold:
“What’s the matter with you, Son. You never do what I say. What am I
going to do with you? It seems like you’re always getting into something.
Why can’t you do what you’re told? Other children obey their parents,
why can’t you? Etc., etc., etc.” “This is the last time I’m going to tell you
that this is the last time I’m going to tell you!”
In church meetings a child misbehaves, so parents repeatedly
whisper to them, tug at them, shake them, grab them, and sit them down.
But the problem continues.
Others try to control children by getting loud or by long lectures.
This was commonly one of our mistakes. I yelled. Karen gave long
lectures. This may not be sinful, but it is not effective.

The child simply gets used to the noise and turns it off. It may work
at first, but then he learns to gauge how loud, how angry, how long you
threaten and scold before you do anything. Then he pushes you to the
limit. He pays no attention until you reach the fever pitch where he
thinks you are about to take action.
Further, the parent’s verbal barrage often results in a return
barrage. We scold; he argues and fusses. We scold louder and longer; he
argues and fusses louder and longer. Other family members overhear.
The result is that everyone becomes angry, frustrated, and upset. And
the parent finally ends up having to punish the child anyway, so what
was the advantage?
Do not argue or yell. Use words to instruct or rebuke, but use
actions to punish.
Proverbs 13:24 – He who spares his rod hates his son, but he who
loves him disciplines him promptly (NKJV – the footnote says “early”;
cf. Heb. 12:5-11). We think we are showing love for the child by
postponing punishment, but we would show more love and have a better
relationship if we would just punish and get it over with.
Here is something I learned from how some of our children deal
with our grandchildren:
1) They make sure the child understands what they expect. They say,
“Look at me,” or “Come here and look at me.” The child must stop
playing, etc., and listen to the parents’ instructions.
2) Then they say, “Do you understand.” The child must respond,
“Yes, sir” (or “Yes, Mother,” etc.). This avoids the excuse, “I didn’t hear
you,” or “I didn’t understand you.”
3) Then if the child proceeds to disobey, apparently he does not
want to obey. So, it is time to punish with actions. (This is a better
approach than what I often used.)
If you learn to discipline “promptly,” soon you won’t have to argue
with a child. He will obey “promptly,” because he now knows that you
will back up your words with action.
Arguing and yelling beget arguing and yelling; action begets action.
Always Control Yourself When Disciplining.
Ephesians 4:26 – Be angry and do not sin. Anger toward children is
not necessarily sinful. But when we become angry and agitated, there is
danger that we may make bad decisions. We may lose control and cause
serious harm. So, we really should control ourselves, and administer
discipline calmly. But how do we accomplish this?
Interestingly enough, the answer is the same as the last point: Take
action early, before the situation gets out of hand. Obtain
action from the child by taking action yourself. He is not likely to do what
you say until he thinks you will take action. So don’t postpone the action.
When the child does something that you will eventually punish him for

if he does not change, warn him calmly, making sure he understands. If
he still does not obey, calmly punish him.
Consistent application of this approach leads to less arguing, less
anger, less upset, and less threatening. But the result will also be less
punishment, in the long run. Why? Because when the child learns that
you mean what you say, he will act when you tell him to, instead of
agitating till you have to punish him. By punishing more promptly,
you end up punishing less frequently. Greater commitment to
action leads to decreased need for action. More is less.
Yes, you can and should learn to punish children calmly. Remember
it: Arguing begets arguing; action begets action.
Measure Your Effectiveness by the Child’s Obedience.
Ephesians 6:1 – Children obey your parents. Obedience is the goal
of our training!
Don’t judge effectiveness by how much the child cries or what
the child says.
Some parents spank hard enough to cause crying, but not hard
enough to cause obedience! They give little smacks that hurt very little.
The child fusses so the parent stops punishing. And the child continues
to do as he wants.
Once after my mother had spanked me, I told my sister, “It didn’t
hurt. I just cried so she’d quit.” My sister told Mother, and Mother did
the job again to make sure it hurt!
The fact a child cries does not prove he is really sorry enough to
obey. Some crying really expresses rebellion, protest, or anger. Children
may hope their crying will get on their parents’ nerves, make them feel
guilty, or embarrass them if others hear it. Or maybe the parents will just
get tired of all the fuss and trouble, and decide to drop the matter. But
if the child isn’t doing what you told him to do, your job isn’t
done yet, no matter how much he cries. Punish him some
more till he obeys you!
Matthew 21:28-31 – A son said he would obey his father’s and work
in the vineyard, but he did not go. Some children say they will obey, but
then don’t. Some are sweetly pleasant and say the right things, but they
don’t follow through to obey. This is just another form of rebellion.
Determine the methods you use by what WORKS.
Do not automatically resort to spanking. Maybe with a certain child
in a certain situation, just a good discussion will solve the matter. Or
maybe you can give a lesser punishment or take away a privilege.
Different children react differently to different approaches. Learn what
works best with each child under various circumstances. But use what
produces obedience.
Be sure your rewards are really something the child likes, and your
punishments are something he dislikes. In the Uncle Remus’ tales, Br’er

Fox caught Br’er Rabbit and wanted to punish him. Br’er Rabbit
convinced Br’er Fox that he would suffer terribly if Br’er Fox would fling
him into the briar patch. But when it happened, Br’er Rabbit was happy
as could be, because the briar patch was his home!
Some punishments are simply inadequate. Some parents spank on
a diaper or on an older child’s blue jeans. It makes a loud noise, but the
child feels very little. I always pulled my children’s clothing up or down
and spanked on their bare thigh. It’s a punishment. Make it hurt!
You may think you punished the child enough. Or he may say he
will obey. But if he doesn’t change his behavior, then apparently he
doesn’t consider the punishment to be severe enough.
Continue working on the problem till the child acts as he
should.
Never let the child win a battle of wills. With many children there
will come a time – perhaps several or many times – when he stubbornly
sets his will against yours and dares you to make him obey. The Bible
calls it “stiff-necked.” When that happens, you must not lose that battle.
If you must spank the child a dozen times, he must learn that, when
you “put your foot down,” then he is not going to win. The point is not
that the parent is just stubborn or egotistical. It is a principle of authority
for everyone’s good.
If the child finds out that he can get his way by being stubborn
enough long enough, then he will be ten times more stubborn next time.
But if you can prove without question, while the child is a preschooler,
that what you say is the way it will be, then he will challenge your
authority far less frequently in later years, including the rebellious teen
years.
This is not to say we should refuse to listen to reason. If the child
can give good reasons for us to change our minds, that is one matter. But
we are discussing a conflict of wills in which the child just doesn’t want
to do what we told him to do. In that case, you must keep on punishing
until the child submits. You must not let him have his way! The goal is
obedience.
Consider the Reasons Why Your Child Acts as He Does.
How you respond to a child should be determined by why he
acts as he does.
Ephesians 6:4 – Do not provoke children to anger.
Perhaps a child is simply not able to understand or do what you
asked. Maybe you did not explain your instructions clearly enough.
Maybe he honestly forgot due to time lapse, tiredness, excitement, etc.
Maybe he acts as he does because of an unfilled emotional need: fear,
insecurity, or a desire for love and attention. These situations should be
handled differently from outright rebellion.

But when the child knows (or ought to know) what you want but is
just rebellious, self-willed, stubborn, and does not want to do what you
want, this child must be punished.
How can we determine the child’s motives?
This is not always easy. It requires thought, experience, and
knowledge of the child. Parents should discuss these matters together.
Here are some thoughts to help.
Put yourself in the child’s place. When you were his age, how
would you have acted or felt? What treatment would have led you to
obey? “Do unto others…” (Matt. 7:12).
Consider how the child would act if he WANTED to do
what you tell him to do.
Suppose you tell Johnny to do something, but he fusses and squirms
and cries. You may think he is too tired or maybe he’s sick. But five
minutes later, he is doing something he likes, so now he is all smiles and
happiness. That proves little Johnny can be pleasant if he wants to —
it’s your job to see to it that he wants to!
Maybe Johnny says he is too sick to go to school, then he wants to
play with his toys or go outside and play. When I said I was too sick to
go to school, my mother made me stay in bed all day to get better. Even
school was better than that!
So, consider whether he is capable of understanding, remembering,
and accomplishing the thing you asked of him if he really wanted to. If
the answer is “yes,” then your job is to give him sufficient reason to want
to!
Generally, Children Should Be Disciplined in Private.
Sometimes a child misbehaves in public, in someone else’s home,
or in the presence of company. Disciplining him may be embarrassing,
and in today’s society could get you in trouble. But if you don’t discipline
him, he soon learns he can get away with misbehaving around others.
One solution is to call the child to you and inform him as privately
as possible what you want (whisper, etc.). If firmer measures are needed,
find or ask for a private place (restroom, bedroom, car, etc.). Take the
child there and proceed to discipline. If he is old enough to understand,
you may tell him you will discipline him when you get home.
When a child is noisy or disruptive during a church meeting, some
parents don’t want to take him out because they think it will disturb
others. But not disciplining the child will only make matters worse,
because the child will continue to disrupt other people.
When your child is distracting other people in worship assemblies,
take him out and solve his problem. Then bring him back when he is
under control so he will not distract others.

Never Offer a Child a Reward to Stop Misbehaving.
If he is already doing wrong, so you offer a reward to quit, then you
have really rewarded and reinforced his misbehavior. Next time he
wants a reward, he will misbehave hoping to receive the reward again.
Suppose you call Billy to come and he says, “No, I won’t!” So, you
offer him candy if he’ll come. What will happen next time you call him?
He’ll remember that, if he says “No,” he may get some candy!
The time to offer a reward is before the child has done anything
wrong, while you are asking him to do something good. Or just give him
the reward after he did the good deed, but don’t wait till he’s already
doing something wrong and then offer him a reward to quit.
Talk to the Child Before and After You Punish Him.
Discuss the incident. Tell the child what he did wrong and what he
should have done. After the punishment, make sure he is sorry: make
him say he’s sorry and make him promise to do right next time. If he
refused to do something you told him to do, take him back and make
him do it. Then be sure to tell the child you love him and you expect
him to do better next time, etc. There are many advantages to this.
(1) It helps you keep calm.
(2) It makes sure the child knows why he was punished and what
you expect in the future.
(3) It helps him remember the lesson. You certainly have his
attention, so it is an excellent time to instruct him.
(4) It enables you to assure him of your love. Make sure he
understands that you care about him, but you must not allow that kind
of conduct.
(5) Often the child will feel bad just because he knows he
disappointed you.
Gwendolyn Webb says to “make spanking an event” (TUAC, pp.
168ff). She means don’t just keep scolding and smacking a child,
dragging out a situation. Take him out, talk to him, give him a real
spanking, etc. Make it an event he will remember, so he is not likely to
repeat the error.
Conclusion
Romans 11:22 — Therefore consider the goodness and severity of
God: on those who fell, severity; but toward you, goodness, if you
continue in His goodness.
God is a God of both rewards and punishments. He is our example
of a good father. We should consider the principles He uses to motivate
obedience and apply those principles in our homes according to the
Scriptures.

Key #7: Consistency
Consistency is defined as “steadfast adherence to the same

principles.”
We have studied six “key” principles we must follow in order to raise
godly children. But it is not enough to just understand these
principles. We must consistently apply them — we must “steadfastly
adhere” to them and continually apply the “same principles” without
variation. This applies to all six areas we have already discussed:
(1) We must consistently remember that our purpose to raise our
children to serve God.
(2) We must consistently plan our actions in harmony with God’s
word.
(3) We must consistently act in love making decisions according to
what is best for the whole family.
(4) We must consistently instruct our children to know God’s will.
(5) We must use authority consistently, expecting obedience and
respect from children.
(6) We must consistently motivate children by diligent use of
punishments and rewards.
Consistency of itself is not enough. It is possible to be consistently
wrong! First we must learn the right principles, then we must
steadfastly adhere to them.
Lack of consistency is one of the biggest problems facing
parents. We often fail, not because we do not know what to do, but
because we fail to diligently apply what we know.
Note some specific areas in which consistency is needed but is often
lacking.
Consistency Between Parents
Both parents must “steadfastly adhere to the same principles.”

They must work together, not against one another.

Some Parents Disagree about Raising Children.
They may disagree about what rules to enforce or what
punishments to give. They may even argue in front of a child.
Typically, one parent is strict and the other is lenient. One thinks
the child is treated too harshly, so he/she compensates by being lenient
to make up for the other parent’s strictness. Then the other parent reacts
by being even stricter to make up for their spouse’s leniency. The result
is a vicious circle in which the parents pull further and further apart.
Meanwhile, the child is completely confused. One parent punishes
him, while the other one protects him. He doesn’t know what the rules
are. He has no security, but becomes a pawn in the parents’ power
struggle. But he soon learns to play the parents against one another. He
goes to the parent who will let him have his way and uses that one to
protect him from the other parent.
But the end result is the child does not really respect either parent.
If they cannot decide the rules, why should he listen to them? Often great
strife results within the family. And most tragically, the child never
learns the qualities of character that either parent wants him to learn.
The Bible Deals with This Problem.
A Bible example: Isaac and Rebekah (Genesis 27)
Isaac determined to bless Esau, but Rebekah wanted the blessing to
go to Jacob. Rebekah and Jacob deceived Isaac into blessing Jacob. The
result was strife between Jacob and Esau so severe that Esau determined
to kill Jacob, and Jacob had to flee from home.
Other passages
1 Corinthians 14:33 - God is not the author of confusion, but of
peace. Such conflict between parents will surely lead to strife, not peace.
God is not the cause of it and does not approve it.
Matthew 12:25 - A house divided against itself shall not stand. But
a house is surely divided when parents disagree so about raising the
children. They cannot possibly achieve their goal of raising godly
children.
Ephesians 6:4 - Parents should not provoke children to wrath. But
such inconsistency between the parents invariably causes wrath and
discouragement on the part of the child.
The Bible Solution
Communicate.
Go back to step #2 — planning. Discuss the matter between
yourselves based on the principles of God’s word.
Even before marriage, you should discuss your basic approach to
child raising. If one of you is fundamentally more lenient than the other

or if there are other fundamental disagreements, discuss and reach
understandings. Otherwise, marry someone else.
As you raise the children, continually discuss the principles you will
follow. Try to decide the rules you will follow even before the problem
comes up. Then there will be no need to argue at the time of the problem.
Communicate with your companion about specific situations, so the
children cannot play you one against the other. If you give a rule to the
children, tell your spouse about it so he/she will know. If a child asks
your permission, ask, “What did your mother (or father) say?”
If you have a disagreement, don’t argue in front of the child. Go
elsewhere to talk about it.
Follow the Bible plan for authority in the home.
Ephesians 5:22-25 - The husband is head of the family, but he must
act in love according to what is best for the family. Let the parents
discuss the matter. Let the wife express her view respectfully. If
appropriate, let the children express their views. Then let the father
decide.
When the decision is made, the whole family should accept and
honor it unless it requires the wife or children to do something sinful
(Acts 5:29). No nagging, grumbling, or pouting. Specifically, the wife
should submit to the husband’s decision with the same good will that she
wants the children to submit to her authority.
Consistency Between
Words and Deeds
Parents should adhere steadfastly to the same principles in what we

do compared to what we say. This is especially important in exercising
authority.
Some Parents Do Not Keep Their Promises or Threats.
We tell our children they must do certain things; but if they stall or
manipulate or flat out rebel, we don’t make them do it. We may promise
to give a punishment or reward, then we don’t keep our word. “If you
don’t …, I’m going to …” (or “If you will …, then I will…”). But we don’t
do what we said.
Some parents make ridiculous threats that everyone knows they
don’t intend to carry out (and if they did carry it out, it would be sinful).
“If you don’t do what I say, I’ll break every bone in your body.” Such
threats may be intended humorously, but often the parent appears to be
quite serious and hopes the threat will lead the child to obey.
Such statements are often made by parents who try to control
children by threats and anger, instead of by action (consider our earlier

discussion about “Motivation”). If an act would be sinful to do, then what
right do we have threatening to do it? Further, is it right to make threats
or promises that we do not keep and in many cases have no intention of
keeping?
Bible Principles Involved
Hebrews 10:23 — God is a perfect Father, and He is faithful to His
promises. The fact that we know He will always keep His word helps
motivate us to obey Him. If we could not trust Him to keep His promises,
we would have little respect for Him and little reason to obey Him.
Parents should likewise be faithful to their promises.
Romans 1:31 — Listed among those worthy of death are “covenant-
breakers” (NKJV — “untrustworthy”). When we make promises we don’t
mean or we give our word but don’t keep it, we are covenant-breakers or
untrustworthy. Note that this is true whether we promise to give a
reward or a punishment.
James 5:12 — Let your yes be yes and your no, no. Do not lightly say
you will do a thing. If you don’t mean it, don’t say it. If you say you’ll do
it, then do it. This is true of both your “yes” and your “no.”
If we promised a reward, we may think we are obligated to keep that
promise, but it’s OK to forget the promises of punishment. After all, the
children don’t want us to keep that kind of promise! But a promise is a
promise, whether we promise a reward or a punishment. Failure to keep
our promises is failure to be true to our word, and leads our children to
disrespect us.
Colossians 3:21 — Do not provoke your children, lest they become
discouraged. One way parents commonly provoke their children and
discourage them is by failing to keep their word. One time we keep a
threat or promise, but the next time we do not keep our word. How can
children know whether or not to trust us?
Sometimes we may promise something, then later we realize it was
a bad decision and it would be best for everyone if we change our mind.
In that case, let us apologize for our mistake and explain our reason for
changing. But don’t lightly make threats or promises and do not lightly
break them.
Consistency Between Children
Parents should not play favorites with their children, but should
“steadfastly adhere to the same principles” regardless of the child.
Some Parents Are Partial to a Particular Child.
Parents may just like one child better than others or may play
favorites for other reasons. They may be more lenient with one child. The

favorite can do what is forbidden to others, or he is not punished as
severely as another child would be for the same violation. He may receive
gifts or favors that the others do not, etc.
Note that this does not mean we should ignore the fact that children
have different circumstances. Sometimes children unfairly accuse
parents of favoritism simply because one child is allowed to do what
other children are not allowed to do, etc. But sometimes this is justified.
For example, an older child may be permitted to stay up later or go
places when younger ones may not. The point is that rules should be the
same for all children in the same circumstances. Rules should not be
different just because we like one child better than another.
Favoritism harms all the children. The ones who are discriminated
against may become jealous of the favorite, angry at the parents, and
generally rebellious. They feel unloved and may deliberately disobey
parents to get attention.
But the favorite is also hurt because he grows up thinking he
deserves special treatment. He thinks he is more important than others,
and can get away with breaking the rules. He will have great difficulty
adjusting to real life, because the world won’t treat him that way. And
God certainly won’t treat him that way.
Bible Principles Show the Dangers of Favoritism.
Remember that Isaac and Rebekah each had favorite children. Isaac
loved Esau but Rebekah loved Jacob (Gen. 25:28). This resulted in so
much strife that Esau sought to kill Jacob, and Jacob had to leave home.
Genesis 37:3,4 — Later Jacob also played favorites. His favorite son
was Joseph, to whom he gave a coat of many colors. So much hatred
resulted between his sons that the other brothers sold Joseph as a slave
and almost killed him.
Acts 10:34,35; Romans 2:11 — God, who is a perfect father, does not
play favorites. He does not respect persons, but treats us entirely
according to how we act. Especially in administering rewards and
punishments, God treats us on the basis of our conduct with no
partiality.
James 2:1,8,9 — Likewise, God forbids us to show respect of
persons. Partiality violates the Royal Law, which requires us to love our
neighbor. Partiality is sinful just as surely as murder or adultery, yet
many people are guilty right in their own homes!
Colossians 3:21 — Again, we must not provoke our children to
discouragement. But one of the surest ways to discourage them is to treat
them unjustly and unfairly. And one of the surest ways to be unjust is by
practicing favoritism.
[Matt. 7:12]

Consistency Between
Circumstances
We must “steadfastly adhere to the same principles” in the same

circumstances every time. We must not allow today what we
disallowed in the past under the same circumstances.
Sometimes Parent’s Rules and
Enforcement Are Not Reliable.
We may let our own mood, rather than the child’s conduct,
determine what rules or discipline we give. If we feel bad or had a bad
day, we punish them for little things. But the next day we’re in a better
mood, so they avoid punishment when they do the same things.
Sometimes parents are too busy with other things and just don’t pay
attention to their children. We give them instructions; but then we get
involved in work or conversation or watching TV so we overlook their
disobedience. If we notice them, we correct them. But sometimes we just
don’t check up on them diligently.
Soon the child learns that, whether or not he gets punished,
depends, not just on what he does, but also on the parents’ mood or
involvement in other things. So, it becomes a calculated risk on his part
whether or not he can get away with disobedience. Or he becomes an
amateur psychologist and tries to judge our moods. But what we have
taught him is, not respect for authority, but manipulation of it.
Bible Principles
Hebrews 6:10 — God is not unjust. Jesus is not divided against
Himself (1 Cor. 1:13). How does God deal with our disobedience? Does
the punishment we get depend on His mood? Does He get so involved in
other things that He overlooks sin? God is the perfect example of
consistency in dealing with our wrongs.
Matthew 23:23 — Justice is one of the weightier matters of the law.
When rules are not enforced consistently, that is injustice. We would
object if the civil government or an employer treated us that way. Let us
practice justice by enforcing rules fairly in our families.
Colossians 3:21 — Again, we must not provoke our children to
discouragement. Inconsistent enforcement of rules is one of the greatest
causes of wrath and discouragement in children. Today the child is
punished severely for doing the same kind of thing that he did yesterday
with little or no punishment. This is unfair, and the child knows it.
Obviously, humans are limited in our ability to know every wrong
each child does. Whereas God has perfect knowledge, at the best we are
capable of being fooled. Children know this and do not disrespect us
simply because occasionally things happen that we cannot know.

But the problem often occurs simply because we are not trying
hard enough. We are too concerned for our own moods and our own
interests, so we are not concerned enough about the conduct and
training of our children. As a result, they get away with deliberate
disobedience, because we are not “on the ball.” That is injustice.
Consistency is the key that ties together all the other keys. We need
consistency in applying all the principles we have studied — “steadfast
adherence to the same principles.”
Conclusion
If we practice these “key” principles we have studied, we will
find that each of them in turn will instill a related quality
in our children.
(1) If raising our children to serve God is our main goal, then the
children will develop serving God as their main goal.
(2) If we plan our training of the children based on God’s word,
then our children will learn to plan their lives based on God’s word.
(3) If we always act in love for our children, then they will learn to
act in love for those around them.
(4) If we diligently instruct our children in God’s word, they will
develop, not only an understanding of God’s word, but also an
appreciation that they need to instruct their children.
(5) If we exercise proper authority toward our children, they will
develop respect for authority and an understanding of how to exercise
authority when they need to do so.
(6) If we motivate them by proper use of punishments and
rewards, then they will learn to seek the rewards and avoid the
punishments offered by God (and other authority figures).
(7) If we are consistent in applying these principles in training our
children, then they will learn to do right consistently. Because we
demand right conduct all the time, not just part of the time, they will
learn to act right all the time.
The time will come when we must let our children be adults.
Our goal is not to keep them as children but to raise them to become
godly adults. As they mature, we must let them accept the responsibility
for guiding their lives without our control.
Genesis 2:24; Ephesians 5:22-25 – When they marry they leave our
family; the husband becomes head of a new family. But even if they never
marry, we must set them free to make their own choices. Paul and Jesus
never married. Were they always subject to their parents?
When does this time come? The Bible does not define it in terms of
age. Like the age of accountability, it is determined, not by age, but by
maturity and ability to make mature choices.
The point is that, as our children grow, we must gradually give them
increasing authority for their own lives. When we have protected and

trained them so long, we will be tempted to want to keep them as
children. But eventually they will leave our house and our authority. And
we must be mature enough to let them go.
1 Timothy 5:4,16 – Finally, far sooner than we ever anticipated, the
time will come when we will become dependent on them and they will
be responsible to take care of us.
Parents are raising children, not just for life, but for eternity.
You and I will largely determine how our children live their lives
and where they will be in eternity. Yet, many parents face this
responsibility with far too little concern and far too little understanding
of proper principles. We emphasize again that our goal as parents must
be to raise godly children. While many people do not know how to
do this, there is no need for us to be ignorant. God’s word tells us the
principles we should follow. To successfully raise godly children, we
must understand and practice God’s keys for raising children.
Sources Used
Dare to Discipline, Dr. James Dobson (abbreviated DTD).
Index of Leading Cultural Indicators, William Bennett, Heritage
Foundation, et. al.; 1993 (abbrev. Bennett).
Training Up a Child, Gwendolyn Webb; The Old Landmarks,
Denver CO, 1977 (abbreviated TUAC).

Printed books, booklets, and tracts available at
Free Bible study articles online at
www.gospelway.com
Free Bible courses online at
www.biblestudylessons.com
Free class books at
www.biblestudylessons.com/classbooks
Free commentaries on Bible books at
www.gospelway.com/commentary
Contact the author at
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What are the main principles discussed for raising godly children?

What are the main principles discussed for raising godly children?

What are some of the goals parents should have in raising their children?

What are some of the goals parents should have in raising their children?

Growing a Godly Marriage

and Raising Godly Children

© Copyright David E. Pratte, 1999, 2008, 2010, 2013

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Religion is important in the home in all of the following areas:

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If we understand the proper purposes for marriage, we are far more

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Divorce is a terrible tragedy leaving husbands, wives, and especially

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Proverbs 5:1,2 – In advising his son about relationships with

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Ephesians 5:25,28,29 - Husbands should love their wives as Christ

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Major marriage problems often are caused by irresponsible

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