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SHE KILLS MONSTERS

By Qui Nguyen
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MUSIC USE NOTE

Licensees are solely responsible for obtaining formal written permission from copyright owners

to use copyrighted music in the performance of this play and are strongly cautioned to do so. If

no such permission is obtained by the licensee, then the licensee must use only original music

that the licensee owns and controls. Licensees are solely responsible and liable for all music

clearances and shall indemnify the copyright owners of the play and their licensing agent,

Samuel French, Inc., against any costs, expenses, losses and liabilities arising from the use of

music by licensees.

IMPORTANT BILLING AND CREDIT REQUIREMENT’S

All producers of SHE KILLS MONSTERS must give credit to the Author of the Play in all

programs distributed in connection with performances of the Play, and in all instances in which

the title of the Play appears for the purposes of advertising, publicizing or otherwise exploiting

the Play and/ or a production. The name of the Author must appear on a separate line on which

no other name appears. immediately following the title and must appear in size of type not less

than fifty percent of the size of the title type. In addition, the following credit must be given in all

programs and publicity information distributed in association with this piece:

First produced in New York City

The Flea Theater

Jim Simplod, Artistic Director; Carol Ostrow, Producing Director

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SHE KILLS MONSTERS received its world premiere Off Off Broadway at The Flea Theater in New

York City on November 4, 2011, under artistic director Jim Simpson, producing director Carol Ostrow,

and managing director Beth Dembrow; with scenic and lighting design by Nick Francone, sound design

by Shane Rettig, costume design by Jessica Pabst, puppet design by David Valentine, choreography by

Emily Edwards, fight direction by Mike Chin, prop design by Kate Sinclair Foster, and stage management

by Michelle Kelleher. The director was Robert Ross Parker.

The cast was as follows:

TILLY EVANS ……………………………………………………………………………….Alison Buck

AGNES EVANS ……………………………………….……………………………………..Satomi Blair

CHUCK ………………………………………………………………………………….… Jack Corcoran

MILES ……………………………………………………………………,…..………….. Bruce A Lemon

LILITH …………………………………………………………………………………….Margaret Odette

KALIOPE …………………………………………………………………………………….Megha Nabe

ORCUS …………………………………………………………………………………Raul Sigmund Julia

VERA/SUCCUBUS................................................................................................... Brett Ashley Robinson

STEVE …………………………………………………………………..……………………. Edgar Eguia

FARRAH/SUCCUBUS/NARRATOR ............................................................................. Nicky Schmidlein

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CHARACTERS

Tilly Evans

Agnes Evans

Chuck

Lilith/Lily

Kaliope/Kelly

Orcus/Ronnie

Miles

Gelatinous cube

Vera

Steve

Bugbear

Beholder

Farrah

Narrator

Succubi : Evil Tina & Evil Gabbi

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(Lights come up on a hooded female Narrator who speaks a lot like Cate Blanchett

in the Lord of the Rings movies.)

NARRATOR: In a time before Facebook, World of Warcraft, and Massive

Multiplayer Online RPGs, there once existed simply a game. Forged by the hands

of nerds, crafted in the minds of geeks, and so advanced in its advanciness it would

take a whole second edition to contain all its mighty geekery.

And in here in the land of Ohio during the year 1995, one of the rarest types of

geeks walked the earth.

A Dungeon Master without fear, prejudice … or a penis. This nerd was a girl-nerd,

the most uncommon form of nerd in the world, and her name was Tilly Evans.

(Lights come up on Tilly Evans, a teenage girl decked out in full leathery D&D

fantasy armor with a coolass sword in hand. She is surrounded by a horde of

Kobolds, goblin like creatures. They suddenly attack. Tilly quickly slays each of the

monsters with grace and efficiency. She stands poised over their dead bodies as the

Narrator continues.)

NARRATOR: But this story isn’t about her. This story is about her sister, Agnes,

the girl who never left home.

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SCENE ONE

(The following sequence should be presented elegantly. It can also be done with

shadow play or with shadow puppets.)

NARRATOR: Agnes Evans grew up average. She was average height, average

weight and average build. Agnes had an average personality and it could be said

she was unremarkable. She had average parents and grew up in the average town

of Athens, Ohio with her little sister Tilly. Tilly, however, was anything but

average.

TILLY. What are you doing?

AGNES: Talking on the phone. What are you doing?

TILLY. Trying to re-animate a dead lizard with the power of electricity.

AGNES. Oh, ok …What!

NARRATOR. Being a bit more than a decade apart in age, the two girls had very

little in common. Agnes being of average disposition was into more typical things

such as, boys, music, her education, and popular television programs such as

Seinfeld, Caroline in the City and All my Children. Meanwhile, Tilly became

fascinated with the dark arts, magic, dragons, and silly costumes.

AGNES: What the hell are you wearing?

TILLY. Armor.

AGNES. Why?

TILLY. In case I have to go battle.

AGNES. Battle what?

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TILLY. (Thinks.) Your face.

NARRATOR. As Agnes grew and grew, she became more and more engrossed

with transcending her seemingly permanent state of averageness and made one

grand wish on the night of her 27th birthday that she would forever regret.

AGNES. I wish my life was less boring.

NARRATOR. And so, the Gods answered her wish, but being Gods, they gave

Agnes her heart’s desire not as a gift, but by smiting down every single one of her

loved ones in a solitary car crash.

But this isn’t the story of that tragedy. It’s a story about how Agnes, the girl who

never left home, finally found a way out.

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SCENE TWO

(Lights come up on CHUCK, a nerdy teen dressed like a grunge rock roadie. He’s

wearing large headphones and a flannel shirt tied around his waist. Chuck is

jamming out to Beck’s “Loser” as he’s working the counter of an RPG Gaming

store.)

CHUCK. (Singing to himself) Soy un Perdedor, I’m a loser baby, so why don’t

you kill me? (Agnes enters and pokes his shoulder which startles him!) Woah,

what the fuck, lady!

AGNES. Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.

CHUCK. I wasn’t scared. I’m a black belt in … Jedi … jitsu.

AGNES. I’m looking for Chuck Biggs? I’d really appreciate it if you could you

tell me where he is. I was told he works here?

CHUCK. Well it’s your lucky day because you’re looking at him. (Pause, looks

her up and down.) But you should know, my hommies just call me DM Biggs,

cause, you know, I’m “big” where it counts.

AGNES. Uh…Wow…Chuck, I….

CHUCK. … as in … My brain!

AGNES. (Relieved) Ohhh!

CHUCK. Not because I’m fat. Seriously. It really has nothing to do with body

mass index. I’m actually in pretty good shape.

AGNES. Its ok, I get it.

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CHUCK. Good. So. What can I do you for?

AGNES. Rumor has it you know a thing or two about D&D.

CHUCK. Well, that depends. Are we talking first or second edition, because Lady,

that makes a world of difference.

AGNES. Oh, gosh, I'm not sure, Chuck. I think …

CHUCK. Psyche! It doesn’t matter which edition you mean, because my

Dungeons and Dragons IQ is off the charts. It’s the bomb.

AGNES. You’re very … odd.

CHUCK. Odd as in, hot, right?

AGNES. (Hesitates, not wanting to offend.) No.

CHUCK. Ouch. Moving on then. What do you want to know about the D and the

D?

AGNES. I have this notebook. I’m not quite sure what it is.

CHUCK. Well, lemme checkity-check it out!

(Agnes hands Chuck the notebook.)

AGNES. You know, you’re not exactly what I was expecting.

CHUCK. What? Were you expecting some nerd? Cause I’m no nerd. I’m a

straight up lady-killah! Yeah, I’ve got a girlfriend! She’s not from around here

though. She lives up in New York and you know what they say about them New

York honeys … them girlies are cray-cray! Have you ever been to New York?

AGNES No. (Pause.) How did you meet someone from New York?
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CHUCK. On a little thing called, the internet. (Pause.) You’ve been on the

internet, right?

AGNES. We have it at work.

CHUCK. It’s the bomb! Am I right or am I right? I got it hooked up at my house.

Top of the line. I’m talking 56 kilobits per second. Blazing fast. Seriously, you

gotta get it hooked up at home, but if you ever want to come over and check it out.

AGNES. I’m good.

(Awkward silence.)

CHUCK. I’ve been there … to New York! Seen the Statue of Liberty. Empire

State building. Hard Rock Café. It’s pretty awesome.

AGNES. Thats great. Did your girlfriend take you sight-seeing?

CHUCK. Well, we haven’t officially met … I mean, in person, not yet anyway.

But we plan to, you know … (He trails off.)

AGNES. So, about the notebook.

CHUCK. Right. It looks like it’s a homespun module.

AGNES. A module? I don’t understand. What do you mean?

CHUCK. It’s like a map for a D&D game. An adventure. This one looks like it’s

written for one to five players … at entry level skills and power designations and

… (Pause.) Woah, wait just a minute.

AGNES. What?

CHUCK. Tillius the Paladin. (Pause.) Was this written by Tilly Evans?
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AGNES. You know her?

CHUCK. Know her? You’re kidding right? Every player here in Athens knows

her, or has been on a campaign with her. How did you get ahold of this?

AGNES. She’s, (Pause.) she’s my sister.

CHUCK. Oh …. Oh man…. I’m sorry. (Silence)

AGNES. So, can you help me figure out what all of this means?

CHUCK. Sure, but … I should tell you something up front, now that I know who

you are.

AGNES. Okay?

CHUCK. Nothing can happen between us, you dig? I know you were vibing me

when we first met, but now that I know who you are, I don’t think it would be

appropriate.

AGNES. Uh …Alright?

CHUCK. Well if you’re cool.

AGNES. I’m cool. (Pause.) I’m cool!

CHUCK. So, what do you want to with this module, exactly?

AGNES. It’s a game right, so, I want to play it.

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SCENE THREE

(Lights come up on Miles standing in Tilly’s bedroom.)

MILES. This is all that’s left to pack?

AGNES. Yes.

MILES. It’s a lot.

AGNES. Yes.

MILES. So, is this exactly how …

AGNES. Yes! This is exactly the way she left it.

MILES. All this time?

AGNES. Yes.

MILES. (Pause.) Your sister was a slob.

AGNES. She was sixteen.

MILES. She was a sixteen-year-old slob.

AGNES. Where do I even begin with all this?

(He picks up an action figure.)

MILES. (Laughs.) Man, your sister was really into some geeky things.

AGNES. Yes.

MILES. You sure you don’t want any help, because you know I’m strong right?

Like bull!

AGNES. You’re also really clumsy. Like ass.

MILES. I’m not clumsy.

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AGNES. Should I remind you of my former coffee table?

MILES. It was a faulty design.

AGNES. Thanks for the help, Miles, but you can go, really. I feel like I should

pack all of this myself, and I just want to take my time. (Pause.) I’m her sister, it’s

part of the job description.

MILES. Alright, if you’re sure. I’ll just go ahead and start moving some boxes

over to our new place.

AGNES. That sounds like a great plan … just … don’t drop anything.

MILES. I love you.

AGNES. I love you too.

(They kiss.)

MILES. You should try talking to her, Agnes. (Pause) I mean about all of this. I

think it would help.

AGNES. Where would I even start?

MILES. Try asking her.

AGNES. Go. (She gives him a smile and rushes him out the door. Agnes scans

Tilly’s room, taking it all in. Years of things collected that have just sat and dusted

over. She takes a deep breath.)

AGNES. Okay, Tilly. So, where do I begin?

(Tilly appears, but is only seen by the audience, as Agnes takes Miles advice and

talks to her.)

TILLY. You’re going to suck at this.

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AGNES. Tilly?

TILLY. You don’t even know the difference between a Mage or a wizard.

AGNES. Hey, trust me, I’m not that stupid. Don’t get me wrong, I wish you would

have left a diary or journal; but no, you had to be a dork and leave a model instead.

TILLY. Module.

AGNES. Module. Whatever. (A long pause.) So, how do we do this?

TILLY. You’re going to die five seconds into this.

AGNES. Well, you’re already dead, so, we’ll at least have that in common.

TILLY. Fine, you wanna do this, then let’s do this.

AGNES. OK Chuck. Go.

(Suddenly, with awesome lights, sounds and FX, a hooded Chuck appears.)

CHUCK. (Speaking all wizardly and in a lower octave.) Greetings adventurers! I

am Chuck Biggs, also known as DM Biggs, due to the fact that my brain is big, not

because I’m fat. Seriously, it has nothing to do with my body mass index, I’ve

actually been working out, and you should know that I can do at least 4 push-ups in

a row, and I will be your Dungeon Master.

AGNES. You’ll be my what?

CHUCK. SIT!

AGNES. Okay.

CHUCK. Before you is a game like no other. One written to test your mind, your

cunning, and your bad-assness. There’s also chips and soda for your snacking

enjoyment. But lay off the Twizzlers, those are mine. Are. You. Ready?
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AGNES. Um, I guess?

CHUCK. Then imagine if you will this setting. You are standing on the sands of a

mystical beachside. The sun is warm, and you feel relaxed. To one side of you is

the endless blue ocean, on the other, an ominous dark forest. (A beat.) A dark

hooded stranger approaches ...

AGNES. Am I supposed to do something here? Like, fight it?

CHUCK. Not yet.

AGNES. But you said a hooded stranger approaches. If a hooded stranger

approached me in real life, I would mace him.

CHUCK. You don’t have mace here.

AGNES That’s fine, but what do I do?

CHUCK. Just chill. I’m still giving you your given circumstances.

AGNES. Sorry.

CHUCK. So, where was I, OK, you’re on a beachside with a dark forest to one

side and the endless sea to your left … and then …

TILLY. Okay! Okay! Enough!

AGNES. Tilly?

TILLY. Tillius actually. The Paladin.

AGNES. You’re in this game?

TILLY. Of course I am. I made it up, didn’t I?

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(Overwhelmed at actually seeing her sister again, Agnes goes to hug her but Tilly

side steps.)

AGNES. Tilly …

TILLY (Coldly.) … this is a D&D adventure, not therapy.

AGNES (Backs off.) Sorry.

TILLY. Are you sure you want to do this?

AGNES. I do, but I don’t exactly know what I’m doing.

TILLY. Of course you don’t, you’re a noob.

AGNES. But I do want to try, Tilly. I know this meant a lot to you, so I just want

to … (Tilly does not react.) Right, this isn’t therapy.

TILLY. Okay big sis, if you really want to play, then let’s play, but first you’re

going to have to meet the rest of the party.

AGNES. What party?

TILLY. Every adventurer has a party. This one’s mine. Cue intro music.

(Mission impossible-esq music starts to play. A spotlight falls on Lilith.)

TILLY. First up is Lilith Morningstar. Class: Demon Queen.

AGNES. What in the hell is she wearing?

TILLY. She acts as our squads’ muscle. Whenever you’re surrounded by an

armada of Ogres, she’s the one you want holding the battle axe. She has so much

power, she could make an umber hulk shake in its oversized boots. She is the

perfect combination of both beauty and brawn.

LILITH. Violence makes me hot.

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TILLY. Next up is Kaliope Darkwalker. Class: Elf.

AGNES. Okay, come on, (Laughs.) that’s seriously what she looks like?

TILLY. Along with her natural Elvin agility, athleticism, and ass-kicking abilities,

she’s also a master tracker, lockpicker, and has more than a few magical surprises

up her non-existent sleeves. No pointy-eared creature has ever rocked so much

lady hotness.

KALIOPE. I’m in the mood for some danger.

(Kaliope joins Lilith, and they begin posing.)

TILLY. And then there’s …

AGNES. Pause. CHUCK!

(The reality shifts back to the kitchen table.)

CHUCK. Yeah, what’s up?

AGNES. What is this?

CHUCK. This is your party.

AGNES. My party is a leather-clad dominatrix and an Elvin supermodel?

CHUCK. Dude, don’t look at me, this is what your sister wrote.

AGNES. “Violence makes me hot.”

CHUCK. Okay, So, there is definitely a certain amount of improv involved, but I

swear this is the gist of what Tilly created.

AGNES. This?

CHUCK. Yes. This.

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AGNES. My sister wrote this? Then how come it screams of adolescent boy?

Seriously.

CHUCK. Agnes, do you want to play the game or not?

AGNES. Sure, whatever.

(Chuck throws his hood back up.)

CHUCK. And then …

TILLY. There’s me. I’m the brains of this operation. Name, Tilly Evans, aka,

Tillius the Paladin, healer of the wounded and the protector of lights. Class:

Awesome!

(Tilly steps up next to Kaliope and Lilith and they all pose with their weapons like

they are at a photo shoot.)

CHUCK. Welcome to the Quest for the Lost Soul of Athens. Your mission is to

find and free the Lost Soul before it is devoured by the shadowy forces of

darkness, forever.

(The girls high 5 each other.)

AGNES. Seriously, you guys are supposed to be a team of bad-asses? (Suddenly

three monsters rush in growling and snarling, in a fast and impressive series of

moves, the three slay the monsters.) Okay, never mind.

KALIOPE. Curious. What form of creature is this?

LILITH. Can I eat it?

TILLY. Lilith, you said you were quitting.

LILITH. I said I’d cut down. I’ve only had two this week.
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AGNES. Cut down on what?

KALIOPE. Eating the flesh of bad guys.

AGNES. Ew, ew, ew.

KALIOPE. Why are you dressed so strangely?

AGNES. I’m dressed strangely? You look like a friggin’ Thundercat!

TILLY. Kaliope…

KALIOPE. Yes, Noble Paladin Tillius.

TILLY. Any word of Orcus’s location?

AGNES. What’s an Orcus?

LILITH. Is this your special skill? Asking questions? That will come in handy!

AGNES. What’s your special skill? Being a …

TILLY. (Cuts in.) Guys, stop. Orcus is a demon overlord of the underworld. If

there’s a lost soul he’ll either have it or at least know where it is. Kaliope,

location?

KALIOPE. The entrance to the cave of Orcus is at the next bend. But

unfortunately, neither Lilith not I can accompany you, for no magical creatures are

allowed into his lair, unless they risk being entrapped there forever.

AGNES (To Lilith.) Seriously, there has to be more to this outfit, right?

LILITH. You look like you would be delicious with a side of baby.

AGNES. Okay! I guess we’re not going to be friends.

LILITH. Oh, how my heart is broken by that news.

AGNES. Well then! Okay, let’s go.

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TILLY. Actually, Agnes, before we can go any further, we’re going to have to

equip you and build you a character. I mean, you can’t just walk around looking

like that.

AGNES. I’m not wearing what she’s wearing.

TILLY. You’re going to at least need a shield.

AGNES. A shield I can do.

TILLY. So, what will be your alignment.

AGNES. My what?

LILITH. Are you good, lawful, chaotic, unlawful, or evil?

AGNES. I’m a Libertarian.

KALIOPE. And what will be your weapon?

AGNES. I guess a sword. A regular sword. Like yours.

TILLY. This is not a regular sword.

KALIOPE. You have to earn a weapon like the one Tillius wields.

LILITH. The Eastern Blade of the Dreamwalker.

KALIOPE. Forged from the fiery nightmares of Gods.

LILITH. Blessed by the demons of Pena.

KALIOPE. And bestowed upon the one who once banished the Tiamat from New

Landia.

AGNES. So I can’t have a sword like that one?

TILLY, LILITH, KALIOPE. NO!

AGNES. Fine, wow, you don’t have to be so rude. I’ll just take a regular sword.
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TILLY. And what will be your name?

AGNES. Agnes.

TILLY. No, what will be your character name?

AGNES. Agnes.

TILLY. Stop being an ass-hat, Agnes.

AGNES. No, I want to just use my name. Agnes.

LILITH. Fine, then it is decided, you are Agnes the Ass-hatted.

AGNES. That’s not what I said.

KALIOPE. Agnes the Ass-hatted, welcome to our party.

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SCENE FOUR

(Cut to…)

NARRATOR. And so it was that Agnes the Ass-hatted and Tillius the Paladin

ventured forth into the dark dwellings of the truly evil and quite large in stature,

Orcus the overlord of the underworld, in search for the lost soul of Athens. But

what they found deep in that cave was not what they were prepared for in the least

bit.

(Lights come up on Orcus, a very large, big horned, completely red, demon. He’s

chilling on a laze-boy watching TV.)

TILLY. It is I, the great Paladin, Tillius, healer of the wounded, defender of lights,

I have come here to …

ORCUS. Dude, I’m not going to fight you.

AGNES. He’s not going to fight us?

TILLY. We’ve come here to battle.

ORCUS. I know what you came here to do and I’m telling you, I’m busy.

AGNES. This is the Overlord of the Underworld?

ORCUS. Former Overlord of the underworld, if you don’t mind. I quit!

TILLY. You quit? You can’t quit!

ORCUS. Watcha talking about, I can’t quit? You know how annoying it is to

always get attacked by goddamn adventurers all day and night?

(An adventurer named Steve barges in.)

STEVE. Orcus! It is I; the great Mage Steve and I’ve come to do battle.
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ORCUS. See what I’m saying?

STEVE. I’ve come to claim the staff of Suh in the name of …

ORCUS … here ya go little man. It’s all yours.

STEVE. Really? That’s all I had to do? Awesome! (He exits.)

ORCUS. So, what would you like? Treasure? Jewels? Some cheez-whiz? (Offers

can.) It’s hella-good.

TILLY. I wish to free a soul.

ORCUS. Which one?

TILLY. Mine.

AGNES. What? Tilly….

TILLY. You heard me, Orcus. I want my soul back.

ORCUS. Well, this is a bit awkward.

AGNES. Wait, you’re the lost soul of Athens?

TILLY. Shhhh.

TILLY. Orcus, can I have it back or not?

ORCUS. You’re Tillius the Paladin, correct?

TILLY. Correct.

ORCUS. Uh, yeah, this is a little embarrassing, but … I lost your soul.

TILLY. How is that even possible?

ORCUS. Well, if I'm being totally honest … I traded it in for a TV/VCR combo

from the, um, Tiamat.

TILLY. Are you kidding me?

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ORCUS. Yeah, she was really into it and my old TV had completely conked out in

the middle of a Twin Peaks Marathon.

TILLY. Let me get this straight, you gave my soul to the Tiamat?

ORCUS. Traded your soul to the Tiamat.

TILLY. For nothing.

ORCUS. Not for nothing. Have you ever seen Twin Peaks?

TILLY. Oh, God.

ORCUS. It was a TV and a VCR!

AGNES. This isn’t good, is it?

TILLY. No, not at all.

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SCENE FIVE

(Cut to… Vera in her office. She is talking to a girl.)

VERA. Do you want an STD? No, you don’t. At worst, that shit will kill you. In

the least, it will get your shit itchy. And nobody likes a girl with an itchy hoo-hah.

Now get out of here and keep your pants on! (The girl leaves.) Stupid-ass

teenagers! (Agnes walks in.) Well, you look like crap.

AGNES. Thanks.

VERA. Crazy night with Miles?

AGNES. Crazy night. Not with Miles.

VERA. Now this sounds juicy. Who’s the new mystery man?

AGNES. It’s not what you think. I was with a high school boy.

VERA. Agnes, you didn’t!

AGNES. We were up all night …role playing.

VERA. You know I’m all for experimentation, and extracurricular activities, but

as your best friend, and resident guidance counselor, I have a duty to tell you that

maybe you should stick to guys your own age.

AGNES. Jesus, Vera, we were playing Dungeons and Dragons.

VERA. Oh! … Wait … Dungeons and Dragons? You know what? I think it was

less weird when I thought you were fucking a high schooler. (Alternative text:

when you were playing Mrs. Robinson?)

AGNES. You’re like the worst high school guidance counselor ever.

VERA. No, I’m not. I'm just hip, and most of all … real.
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(Steve enters.)

STEVE. Hello, Miss Martin, I came by to ask you about …

VERA. Noooooo!

STEVE. Miss Martin?

VERA. Are you flunking out of class?

STEVE. No.

VERA. Then you’re fine. Come back later, I’m busy.

STEVE. Okay. (Steve exits.)

AGNES. I stand corrected, you should lead workshops on pedagogy.

VERA. Tell me, what does Miles think about your Dungeons and Dragons

exploits?

AGNES. You really don’t like him, do you?

VERA. You two have been together how long? Three years?

AGNES. Five years.

VERA. Five years, and all he’s done is asked you to move in with him. Please,

son, keep your house, show me a ring!

AGNES. I’m not ready for that.

VERA. That’s because deep down you know he’s no good for you.

AGNES. Can we please change the subject?

VERA. Fine. Tell me about this game. Is this some dorky quarter-life crisis?

AGNES. I know it sounds stupid, but … I’m just curious why Tilly liked it so

much.
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VERA. And?

AGNES. And … I honestly don’t see what the appeal is. It’s actually kind of

mundane. All we’ve done so far is walk around and talk to things. I thought there

were supposed to be monsters in this game.

(Suddenly everything goes dark accompanied with a loud sound cue)

Vera?

(Vera is frozen, she does not respond)

VERA!
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SCENE SIX

(Suddenly three giant insectoid-like Bear creatures [Bugbears] enter the space and

as Vera disappears, Chuck appears.)

CHUCK. Suddenly, three Bugbears are after you!

AGNES. What?

CHUCK. Three Bugbears … are after you!

AGNES. What the hell is a Bugbear?

CHUCK. What do you do?

AGNES. What do I do? I don’t even know what a Bugbear is? Are they small? Are

they bears?

CHUCK. You examine the Bugbears. They are neither small nor bears.

(Tilly Enters.)

TILLY. So, this game is mundane, huh? All we do is talk and walk?

AGNES. I didn’t know things were going to suddenly jump out at us.

CHUCK. The first Bugbear strikes.

(It hits Agnes.)

AGNES. Ow. Wait, don’t I get a turn?

TILLY. You wasted your turn examining the Bugbears.

CHUCK. Which they appreciate, Bugbears aren’t used to getting such attention.

The second Bugbear strikes.

AGNES. Don’t roll that dice. (A Bugbear strikes Agnes in the face again, hard.)

Ow!
 29

CHUCK. You’ve been damaged.

AGNES. Really? I couldn’t tell.

CHUCK. What do you do?

AGNES. I … I… I fight back?

TILLY. My character does the same.

(Tilly steps forward and impales her sword into one of the Bugbears, killing it.)

CHUCK. Critical roll! Tillius slays one Bugbear!

AGNES Oh wow, Tilly, that was really cool. Now it’s my turn!

(Agnes turns to one of the Bugbears and raises her weapon.)

CHUCK. You, however, swing …

AGNES. (Agnes takes a swipe with her sword. The Bugbear dodges and smacks

her in the face again.) … Ow!

Chuck … and miss.

AGNES. What! Look at those things, how did I miss that?

CHUCK. The second Bugbear strikes. (Bugbear swings.)

AGNES. No, no, wait!

CHUCK. They miss.

AGNES. Okay, let me think.

CHUCK. You take a turn to think.

AGNES. No, I don’t, I …

CHUCK. The third Bugbear strikes.

AGNES. Come on!

 30

(Agnes tries to avoid the attack the best she can, but gets impaled by the Bugbears

weapon. She collapses to the ground.)

CHUCK. Huge damage. Agnes is down.

TILLY. Your character is dying, Agnes. What do you want to do?

AGNES. What can I do?

TILLY. Start playing this game correctly.

AGNES. What? How?

TILLY. Stop acting like a sarcastic bitch all the damn time and I’ll help you. Can

you do that?

AGNES ….

TILLY. Agnes?

AGNES. Yes. Yes, I can do that.

TILLY. You promise?

AGNES. Yes, I promise. (Agnes collapses. Tilly closes her eyes and hovers her

hands over Agnes.) What are you doing? (Lights and sounds indicate something

awesome is happening.)

CHUCK. Tillius uses a revive spell to restore Agnes’s hit points. You get back on

your feet. (Agnes rises.)

TILLY. We stand side by side and raise our weapons.

CHUCK. And this is what happens next … (Hard-hitting music begins to play.

Agnes and Tilly attack the Bugbears. An elaborate and bad-ass fight ensues.)
 31

You’ve defeated the Bugbears! Agnes levels up! Gains plus one in being less of a

dumbass.

AGNES. Wait, is that really a stat?

TILLY. Yep, totally is. You’re less dumb! Yay! Now where the rest of our team?

(Demonic Lilith, Elven Kaliope approach bringing a reluctant Orcus the Demon

with them.)

LILITH. You’re not serious, love. We’re not actually going to bring Orcus along?

KALIOPE. I must agree with Lilith, getting the worst Demon in all the

underworld to tote along with us does seem less ... than ...wise.

ORCUS. I completely agree, I am bad news. Look at me. I’ve got horns. I’m evil.

Do you really want that kind of badness toting along with you?

TILLY. I don’t care what you say, you’re coming with us.

ORCUS. Man, you’re going to make me miss Quantum Leap.

TILLY. That’s inconsequential.

ORCUS. Inconsequential? Have you seen Quantum leap? The dude time travels

… through time … by leaping into different bodies. Different bodies, yo! And

putting things right that once were wrong, and hoping each time that his next leap

will be the leap home.

AGNES. Huh, that actually does sound interesting.

TILLY. You traded my soul, Orcus, so now you’re going to have to help me get it

back.
 32

KALIOPE. He knows where your soul is?

TILLY. He gave it to the Tiamat.

LILITH. What?

AGNES. What exactly is the Tiamat?

TILLY. This is the Tiamat. (Using magic, aka a projection, Tilly shows Agnes the

Tiamat.)

KALIOPE. She’s a five-headed dragon that has laid waste to generations of

adventurers and civilizations since the dawn of time. Each head embodies the five

different elemental powers of the chromatic dragons – earth, wind, fire, water and

lightning. Many adventurers have fought her.

AGNES. (Looks at Tilly.) You fought that?

TILLY. Yes.

AGNES. That’s …

TILLY. ... Useless. I didn’t pull off killing her, and now she has taken my soul for

revenge.

AGNES. Then I guess it’s safe to say this dragon is pretty hard to kill?

KALIOPE. That would be the logical conclusion, yes.

LILITH. Wait. (Turns to Orcus.) You just gave her soul away? I should rip out

your insides and dine on them right here, right now, you overgrown sad excuse for

a demonic entity.

ORCUS. Woah, woah, woah…. Wait a minute, aint you the big bad’s baby girl?
 33

LILITH. (Suddenly stopping.) Um …what? No. … you must be mistaking me for

some other … demon … princess.

ORCUS. I don’t think your daddy’s gonna be too fond of you being AWOL. Not

to mention his feelings on you making time with a Paladin and human.

LILITH (Suddenly very teenagery.) Please don’t tell him, Okay? He’ll kill me!

Kill me!

AGNES. Wow, (Laughs.) suddenly you don’t seem so tough.

(Lilith back hands Agnes, sending her flying.)

ORCUS. Don’t worry, Lilith, your father doesn’t have any love for me either.

Your secret is safe with me.

TILLY. Enough! Orcus, tell us the location of Tiamat. (Orcus looks away, there is

a silent pause.) Orcus, now!

(A comically large map appears out of nowhere.)

ORCUS. Fine, behold my map of New Landia. This is the path you will have to

take if you want to face the Tiamat. You must first travel down the River of

Wetness to the Swamps of Mushy…

AGNES. …Seriously? The River of Wetness? The Swamps of Mushy? The names

of your locations suck.

TILLY. I was going to go back and give them better names later, but … you know

… I died before I could get to it.

AGNES. Tilly, I’m sorry, I …

 34

ORCUS. … then you will climb the Mountain of Steepness to the Castle of Evil to

find the Tiamat.

AGNES. Seems simple enough.

ORCUS. But to be able to face the Tiamat, you will have to face and defeat all

three of its guardians, the Big Bosses of New Landia and each one of them are

totally bad-ass.

AGNES. That’s less simple.

ORCUS. So … most likely … one if not all of you will die before you get there.

So yeah, you gotta do that. Or, we can chill out in my cave and rock us some

Thursday night Must See TV! Who’s feeling me? (Silence.) No? Really, none of

you guys are into ER? That Clooney cat is slammin!

TILLY. My friends, I can’t ask for you all to come with me. The journey before us

is too perilous and the prize too personal for me to expect you to risk your lives.

I’m just one girl and you all have so much ahead of you. Please, if you don’t wish

to continue, you have my blessing to stay right here and be safe.

LILITH. (Without hesitation she takes Tilly’s hand.) Tillius, you know as always

you have my blade.

KALIOPE. And my staff.

ORCUS. Seriously, I’m totally fine staying here and just chillin, I …

TILLY. … You don’t have a choice.

ORCUS. Man!

KALIOPE. What about you, Agnes the Ass-hatted? What say you?
 35

AGNES. (Agnes looks around at this crazy-ass team, and smiles.) Of course I’m

in.

LILITH. Good. Then let us kicketh some ass!

NARRATOR. And so our team of adventurers set forth into the wild, following

the path Orcus traced out for them. It was indeed treacherous and they did indeed

kicketh ass …

(Music like LL Cool J’s Mama Say knock you Out kicks in. A high energy montage

of bad-assery happens here. We see our party kicks ass by killing a crap load of

different monsters in an assortment of different ways, from badass to comedic. It is

a cavalcade of D&D beasties. They behead a mind flayer, slice up liches, smash

umber hulks, crush bullettes, basically kill anything that would excite any geek

who’s ever played a fantasy game. It is gloriously violent and funny. It culminates

in a badass slow-motion walk, a la, reservoir Dogs, as the team wipes off monster

blood and guts from their outfits.)

 36

SCENE SEVEN

(Lights come up on a beautiful Faerie, Farrah, dancing and singing in the woods,

maybe to a song like TLC, Waterfalls. Orcus approaches.)

ORCUS. Aww, look at the little forest faerie! Hello little faerie, how are you?

(Orcus goes to pet the faerie, but she immediately decks him in the mouth.) Ow!

FARRAH. Keep your hand to yourself, you over grown sack of stupid. Just

because I’m pretty doesn’t mean I won’t fuck you up. Seriously, did you see a sign

on the way here that said, petting zoo?

ORCUS. No.

FARRAH. Then please do not try to fucking touch me. (Farrah pushes him to the

ground.)

ORCUS. I don’t think I like that faerie,

FARRAH. Now get out of my magically enchanted forest, freakazoids, before I

decide to go all faerie berserker all over your ugly asses.

AGNES. I thought fairies were supposed to be nice.

FARRAH. Nice? Do I sound Canadian to you? Aint no one here gonna be nice all

the damn time. Faeries are happy. No one said nice. HAP ...PY. And I’m

brimming like mad with some magical happiness. And guess what makes me the

happiest? Kicking the crap out of any lame-ass adventurers who decide to trespass

on my magically enchanted forest.

AGNES. (To the team.) Maybe we should just take the long way around the

mountains?
 37

FARRAH. Hold up, you’re going to the Mountain? As in the Mountain of

Steepness?

AGNES. Not that it’s any of your business, but as a matter of fact, yes, we are.

FARRAH. What for?

AGNES. To fight the Tiamat, if you need to know.

FARRAH. Well that’s all you had to say, mortal.

AGNE. Oh?

FARRAH. You all must be brave.

LILITH. We are.

FARRAH. Courageous.

KALIOPE. That would be an apt description.

FARRAH. So, you’re going to …

KALIOPE. … fight the Tiamat

LILITH. Vanquish the dragon

TILLY. … and save my soul.

FARRAH. Man, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize all of that!

AGNES. So everything’s cool?

FARRAH. Yeah, I mean, had I known all of that I would have just killed y’all

right away instead of wasting my breath talking. Get ready to push daisies cause its

throw down time.

AGNES. Excuse me?

FARRAH. I’m one of the Great Guardians, bitches.

 38

KALIOPE. But she is but wee!

FARRAH. Yeah, and me and my wee butt is gonna kill the shit out of you guys.

AGNES. Seriously, what could she possibly do?

(Adventurer Steve enters.)

STEVE. It is I, the Great Mage Steve, and I’ve come to challenge you to …

(Farrah graphically rips out his throat in one quick move. He dies.)

ORCUS. To hell with that noise, that girl is straight up cray-cray. (Orcus tries to

leave but Tilly grabs him by the horn and stops him.)

FARRAH. You’ve reached the end of your adventure. If you want to get to

Tiamat, you have to go through me. Time to die, assholes.

(The team puts out their weapons.)

TILLY. (With a smile.) Fine! Enough with the yapping. Let’s do this! (To Lilith.)

I’ll be your Huckleberry.

CHUCK. Boss fight number one: Farrah the Faerie versus team Tillius!

(Farrah pulls out two knives, they all fight! An epic battle ensues with amazing

music and moves. Though Farrah is indeed small and cute she is totally bad ass,

and beats the crap out of the majority of Tilly’s party.)

KALIOPE. Our skills are no match for this bitch.

LILITH. We need magic. Real magic.

TILLY. (Cornered, Tilly summons a magic spell.) I call on…. Magic Missile.

CHUCK. Tilly casts Magic Missile.

FARRAH. Ohh shit. (Farrah explodes.)

 39

AGNES. Holy shit!

TILLY. Holy magic!

 40

SCENE EIGHT

(Chuck is chilling in Agnes’s apartment, when Miles enters.)

MILES. Agnes, check it out. Guess who just got the new Smashing Pumpkins

double disk.

CHUCK. Dude, nice. But I'm not gonna lie, I much prefer the consistency of

“Siamese Dream” over the gaudiness of “Mellon Collie” and “Infinite Sadness.”

MILES. Who the hell are you?

CHUCK. Oh, sorry, I’m Chuck. I’m Agnes’s DM, and you are?

MILES. You're her what?

CHUCK. Oh right, I’m not supposed to talk about that. Shit. I’m her friend. Her

secret friend.

MILES. You're my girlfriend’s secret friend?

CHUCK. Yeah, and you are?

MILES. Her boyfriend.

CHUCK. Oh … I didn’t know she was dating anyone.

MILES. Hold up, she didn't tell you about me?

CHUCK. Well, that’s probably my fault. I keep her pretty busy, if you know what

I mean.

MILES. No, I don’t know. What exactly do you mean?

CHUCK. Fighting monsters, my man. Fighting Monsters!

MILES. Despite the fact I don’t know what you’re talking about, I do know it

means I really want to punch you in the face right now.

 41

CHUCK. Why?

MILES. Because she’s my girlfriend.

CHUCK. No man. It aint like that. We just … role-play.

MILES. You what!?!

CHUCK. Dude, I’ve got no feelings for her. I mean it was pretty clear that she was

vibing me and all when we first met … but I set the ground rules straight. This is

just for fun, no long-term commitments. I'm just here to help her play out her

fantasy.

MILES. Alright, I'm going to break your face.

(Agnes enters.)

AGNES. Hey Chuck, Sorry I'm late, but check out what I found! I think they will

help me stay in character.

MILES. Hey

AGNES. Oh, hi.

MILES. I should just go.

AGNES. Why?

MILES. You're clearly busy. I can come back some other time.

AGNES. Oh shit, you know about this … all of this … don’t you?

MILES. Yes, you could say that.

AGNES. You don’t think I'm a dork, do you?

MILES. No, that’s not what I was thinking.

CHUCK. Hey man, you can join us if you want.

 42

MILES. What?

CHUCK. I mean, if you're comfortable, you could watch us for a bit and once you

get the hang of it, jump right in. I’ll be easy on ya.

AGNES. Yes, Chuck can be pretty rough.

CHUCK. Please, call me Biggs. Cause I'm big. Where it counts. … So, do you

wanna play?

MILES. I'm gonna … bye.

AGNES. I’ll call you later?

CHUCK. That guy really doesn’t like D&D, does he? (Seeing the gloves.)

Ooohhhh, nice gloves! (Agnes shrugs and puts the gloves on, as she does, she is

instantly transported to the D&D world.)

 43

SCENE NINE

AGNES. Tilly! Tilly, where are you? Check it out, I got myself some cool …

(As she looks around, she catches Tilly and Lilith in what looks like some sort of

scuffle. The two girls are pushing and grappling with each other. It looks pretty

physical – seeing this Agnes pulls out her blade and starts approaching. Before she

reaches them, Lilith grabs Tilly by the head and starts aggressively making out

with her.) Woah…woah! What the hell!

TILLY. Oh hey … nice gloves!

AGNES. What were you two doing?

TILLY. I was…. was…uh…. kissing my … girlfriend.

AGNES. Your girlfriend? Wait just a minute. You two are a…a…couple?

LILITH. Does that upset you, lunch meat?

AGNES. It upsets me that you don’t know how to put on all your clothes.

LILITH. I’d advise you not to talk to me in that tone.

AGNES. And I’d advise wearing a complete shirt the next time you're making out

with my sister. (A beat as Agnes has a lightbulb moment.) Oh … wait … wait I get

it … you two are dating because Tillius is a guy character.

TILLY. Tillius isn’t a guy character.

AGNES. Tillius is a guy’s name.

TILLY. No. Tillius is a D&D name. I'm female, she’s female, and if we are going

to do this, then you should know … you should know we’re lovers.

AGNES. So your character’s gay?

 44

LILITH. As am I.

(Kaliope and Orcus enter.)

KALIOPE. Me too.

ORCUS. I have to admit, I loves me the cock. (Alternative text: I'm down with the

OPP … as in penis. Not the other P. Ewww.)

AGNES. Pause, the big slacker demon is gay?

KALIOPE. As is everyone in New Landia. Well, everyone except for you, Agnes

the Ass-hatted

AGNES. Why? Why is that?

KALIOPE. Well maybe it’s because you haven’t met the right girl yet.

AGNES. No, that’s not what I meant and you know it. Why is everyone here gay?

KALIOPE. Because it was the will of the creator.

AGNES. The will of the creator?

TILLY. Does that bother you, Agnes?

AGNES. Tilly, why did you make everyone gay?

TILLY. Umm, I don’t know. If I were to take an educated guess, Id venture to

guess that maybe the author of this world was into wearing tank tops, and the

Indigo Girls.

AGNES. No.

TILLY. Yes.

AGNES. No, nope, uh-huh!

TILLY. Yes, Agnes. Yes.

 45

AGNES. No! Wait … this is too much. I need a time-out.

(Agnes walks away from the group and Tilly follows, they are alone.)

TILLY. Wow, just wow. I never took you for a homophobe.

AGNES. I'm not a homophobe.

TILLY. That’s not what it looks like to me.

AGNES. I have gay friends, I experimented in college. I watch the Real World and

listen to Madonna, there is no way I’m anti-gay.

TILLY. Then what’s with the denial?

AGNES. What’s with not giving your girlfriend a full costume?

TILLY. She’s a she-devil.

AGNES. She’s dirty. Pure filth.

TILLY. I didn’t think this would upset you so much.

AGNES. I thought I knew you, Tilly. At least good enough to know whether you

liked boys or girls at this point in your life.

TILLY. You were busy.

AGNES. Not too busy to know this! Tilly, this is bullshit. I'm your sister, I

shouldn’t have to learn about you through a role-playing game.

TILLY. At least you're getting to learn something about me.

AGNES. Tilly, I …

TILLY. … We should get back on the road. Are you coming?

AGNES. Fine.

TILLY. Lilith? Kaliope! Orcus? (To Agnes.) Where are they?

 46

AGNES. Oh ... it looks like they’re over there taking a nap. (Lights come up on the

trio all lying on the floor unconscious.)

TILLY. Elves and Demons don’t sleep.

AGNES. They don’t? So, I guess them laying there unconscious would be a bad

thing?

(Explosive lights and sounds as two cheerleaders, Evil Gabbi and Evil Tina, walk

on stage. Impressive musical number. They look like normal cheerleaders, except

they have sharp teeth, bat wings and blood all over their mouths.)

TILLY. Oh shit.

AGNES. What?

TILLY. Succubus.

AGNES. Suck what bus?

TILLY. Succubus. Demon girls from the Demon world who like to do Demonic

things, like sucking.

AGNES, Are they a boss?

TILLY. No. They’re just really mean.

AGNES. Do we fight them?

TILLY. No. We run. Go!

(They try to run but Tilly gets cornered.)

EVIL GABBI. Not so fast there, nerd!

TILLY. Hey guys, what’s up?

 47

EVIL TINA. Were you just looking at me?

TILLY. No. Not specifically. I was just looking, you know, in your general

direction and then you stepped into my line of sight,

EVIL GABBI. I think she’s lying.

EVIL TINA. I hate liars

TILLY. I'm not lying.

AGNES. Hey, what are you guys doing?

(Agnes marches over to the two bullies. Evil Tina grabs Agnes by the throat and

holds here there.)

TILLY. Let her go.

EVIL GABBI. I think the reason why she was looking at you, Evil Tina, is

because she has the hots for you.

TILLY. That’s not true.

EVIL TINA. Are you saying I'm ugly?

TILLY. No.

EVIL TINA. Then you think I’m pretty?

TILLY. Uh…

EVIL TINA. I don’t understand this, “Uh.” I don’t speak, “Uh.”

(Evil Tina begins bearing down on Agnes.)

AGNES. Owww.

EVIL TINA. I don’t speak, “Ow,” either.

TILLY. No, I do, I do! I think you're very pretty, you're so pretty!
 48

EVIL TINA. Of course, you think I'm pretty … you dyke!

EVIL GABBI. Sorry, Evil Tina is just really sensitive about her looks.

EVIL TINA. Shut up, Evil Gabbi.

EVIL GABBI. She doesn’t mean to be cruel to you. I like you; I do. Do you want

to join our club?

TILLY. What club is that?

EVIL GABBI. The awesome Evil Club!

TILLY. Uhh …

EVIL TINA. Again, with the, “Uh’s.”

AGNES. Owwww

TILLY. Alright … I would love to join.

EVIL GABBI. Okay! Sit right here and don’t turn around. (Evil Tina and Evil

Gabbi start whispering and laughing with each other as Tilly sits staring in the

opposite direction. She tries to steal a peek.) I said don’t turn around bitch!

TILLY. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

(Evil Tina and Gabbi come up with a plan. They turn around and look at Tilly with

evil smiles.)

EVIL GABBI. Okay, all you have to do to get into the awesome evil club is to

make out with me for one whole minute.

TILLY. What?

EVIL GABBI. What do you say?

TILLY. Uh …
 49

AGNES. Owww

TILLY. Okay.

EVIL GABBI. Yummy.

(Evil Gabbi leans in and Tilly closes her eyes and leans forward to kiss her.

Suddenly out of nowhere Evil Tina kicks Tilly in the face.)

EVIL TINA. I knew you were gay.

EVIL GABBI. Hahahaha. Dyke. You're so in love with me.

EVIL TINA. Here, (Evil Tina throws Agnes on top of Tilly.) why don’t you make

out with your sister.

EVIL GABBI. Oh God, you two are so gross and disgusting.

(Agnes and Tilly stand up, slowly.)

AGNES. You two are going to die!

(Both the Succubus smile and begin laughing. Their laughter consumes Agnes and

Tilly who fall to the floor laughing. Their laughter becomes painful, then it

becomes agony and they writhe on the ground.)

EVIL TINA. We’ll see you around. Disgusting lesbians.

(The Succubus leaves. Agnes gets up and walks over to Tilly.)

AGNES. Are you okay?

TILLY. No. (Tilly runs away.)

 50

SCENE TEN

(Vera’s office.)

AGNES. Vera, hey, you're not going to believe …

(Agnes is stopped when she sees Lilith, from the game, sitting at Vera’s desk,

except this Lilith is in regular school clothes.)

LILITH. Sorry, Miss Martin just stepped out.

(Agnes looks around to make sure she isn’t in D&D.)

AGNES. What are you doing here?

LILITH. I'm sorry, I don’t know what you mean?

AGNES. What are you doing … here?

LILITH. Oh, I work study here.

AGNES. You’re real?

LILITH. Uh … yes.

(Agnes realizes she must sound crazy.)

AGNES. Sorry, sorry, I must sound crazy.

LILITH. No, it’s alright … how can I help you? Do you need something

photocopied?

AGNES. You just look like someone I sort of know. I don’t know ... I just …

LILITH. Yes, I figured that out from the way you reacted to seeing me.

AGNES. (Composes herself.) Where’s Miss Martin?

LILITH. She’s … you know, I actually don’t know. She never tells me anything.

She just hands me a bunch of paper work to sort, so, here I am, sorting.
 51

AGNES. You're a student here?

LILITH. (Laughs) What gave me away?

AGNES. I don’t think I’ve seen you before. I teach English III

LILITH. I actually know who you are. A bunch of my friends have you. I got Ms.

Gates, though.

AGNES. Ms. Gates, yes, she’s great!

LILITH. If you don’t mind the smell of patchouli oil all the time!

AGNES. Tell me about it. (Laughs awkwardly.)

LILITH. Can I ask you a question? You're Tilly’s sister, right?

AGNES. You knew her?

LILITH. Well sure. I mean, I was at her … um… you know.

AGNES. Oh right, her whole class came out. That was really sweet of you guys to

do that.

LILITH. She was, she was awesome, Miss Evans. Tilly, I mean. (A long pause.) I

cared about her.

AGNES. You did?

LILITH. Yes. Very much so.

AGNES. I didn’t catch your name.

LILITH. I'm Lily.

AGNES. Your names Lily?

LILITH. Yes, why?

AGNES. As in, Lilith?

 52

LILITH. Actually, it’s short for Elizabeth.

AGNES. So this was real? All of it?

LILITH. What was real?

AGNES. You … you and Tilly. You two were real.

LILITH. I'm not following.

AGNES. You two dated.

LILITH. What? No!

AGNES. We’re alone, it’s alight. (Pause.) You can tell me.

LILITH. Look Ms. Evans, I didn’t date Tilly. I like boys, I swear.

AGNES. No, really, this explains so much. Of course you were together.

LILITH. No, no, we weren’t.

AGNES. You don’t have to hide it.

LILITH. I'm not.

AGNES. Tell me!

(Vera enters.)

VERA. What’s with all the loud voices and excitement?

AGNES. This is…this is Tilly’s girlfriend.

VERA. Excuse me?

LILITH. No! No, I'm not.

VERA. Lily, go get me a coffee. Here, take my keys and go grab me a coffee.

Thank you. Hurry up (Lily leaves.) Agnes, what are you doing?

AGNES. She was Tilly’s girlfriend.

 53

VERA. Okay, one, I don’t think so. Two, even if she was, having a teacher

basically scream out, “You're a lesbian” in the middle of my office isn’t the best

way to coax her out of the closet. And hey, are those my gloves?

AGNES. She might be the only link I have left to …

VERA. I know, Agnes. But, look at me. That is a 17-year-old girl who’s been

dating a member of Athens High Football team for over a year. If she’s in the

closet she’s in there deep.

 54

SCENE ELEVEN

(Lights come up on Tilly. Agnes approaches.)

AGNES. Hey.

TILLY. Hey.

AGNES. What happened back there with the evil Cheer-O-stitutes?

TILLY. What did it look like?

AGNES. Did that sort of thing really happen? I mean, in real life?

TILLY. I was a dorky sixteen -year-old closeted lesbian, what do you think?

AGNES. So how come you had to make a game to tell me all of this?

TILLY. I didn’t want to tell you all of this, if that’s what you’re wondering. This

game was supposed to be private.

AGNES. Wow.

TILLY. (Sighs.)

AGNES. I met Lily, by the way. The real one.

TILLY. Oh yeah?

AGNES. Yeah (Pause.) She’s straight isn’t she?

TILLY. I don’t know.

AGNES. It must have been really hard.

TILLY. I guess.

AGNES. Tilly, you can talk to me …

TILLY. I … (Suddenly out of character.) I'm not really her, you know.

(Chuck enters)
 55

CHUCK. I’m not really her, you know.

AGNES. Chuck?

CHUCK. Look, I can only extrapolate so much, but this is feeling a bit

blasphemous.

AGNES. I was talking to my sister, do you mind!

CHUCK. Agnes, I'm all for role-playing, but this is a bit deeper than I usually get.

AGNES. Play the role, Chuck

CHUCK. But, Agnes …

AGNES. Play it!

CHUCK. Okay. Look, there’s something in here I think you really need to see ...

AGNES. No Chuck. Do it in character.

CHUCK& TILLY. Agnes … can you do me a favor?

AGNES. What?

TILLY. I wrote something for Lily. In here. Can you give it to her?

(Chuck pulls out an envelope from inside the notebook and hands it to Agnes.)

AGNES. What’s this?

CHUCK & TILLY. It’s for her.

 56

SCENE TWELEVE

(Miles enters Vera’s office.)

MILES. Can I talk to you for a minute?

VERA. What are you doing here? You shouldn’t have come here to my work!

MILES. I need advice.

VERA. Are you looking to return to High School?

MILES. No.

VERA. Are your grades slipping?

MILES. No.

VERA. Then I have nothing to advise you on. I’m a high school guidance

counselor, Miles, not your therapist.

MILES. Vera, I think you're the closest thing my girlfriend has for a best friend.

(Pause.) You don’t like me so much, or even at all.

(Steve, a student enters.)

STEVE. Hi Miss Martin. Is this a bad time?

MILES. Yes!

VERA. No. Come on in Stephen.

STEVE. Hi. Sorry, am I interrupting?

MILES. Hey.

VERA. No, its fine. What can I help you with?

MILES. Agnes is cheating on me with a high school student.

VERA. I was talking to Stephen. Stephen, what can I help you with?
 57

STEVE. Well, I was thinking about dropping out of marching band, but I'm scared

it might affect my college applications since it’s really my only extracurricular

activity.

MILES. Kid, that shit doesn’t matter.

VERA. Miles!

MILES. But you know what does matter? Your girlfriend hooking up with a high

school student.

VERA. Miles, have some perspective here. Can you see how this might be an

inappropriate conversation to be having in front of a student.

STEVE. I agree.

VERA. Shut up Stephen.

STEVE. Alright.

MILES. So what do I do?

VERA. Break up with her.

MILES. Really?

VERA. Yes, really. Be honest with me, Miles, it took you five years to even ask

her to move in with you, it’s not like you're that committed to her in the first place.

MILES. That’s not true.,

VERA. Stephen, if you were dating Miss Evans for five years, what do you think

the next logical step would be?

STEVE. Miss Evans? Well she is really pretty.

MILES. What’s up with a high school boys digging on my girlfriend?

 58

STEVE. I didn’t dig. I just acknowledged.

VERA. What would you do, Stephen?

STEVE. I …. Uh … I guess I’d ask her to marry me.

VERA. See what I'm saying?

MILES. Who asked you?

STEVE. Miss Martin did!

MILES. Well, it doesn’t matter either way, because she’s cheating on me.

VERA. Miles, she’s not cheating on you

MILES. I met him, she admitted it. He’s her secret friend.

VERA. Yeah, I know

MILES. You know?

VERA. He’s her Dungeon Master.

MILES. He brings her into a Dungeon?

VERA. Jesus Christ, Miles. No! He’s a D&D dork. He’s the guy who rolls the dice

and shit.

STEVE. Actually, in a typical D20 role-playing scheme the adventurer also roles

the dice, and …

VERA. Shut up Stephen.

MILES. She’s playing D&D?

STEVE, Miss Evans plays D&D? Wow. Cool

MILES. Don’t even think about it, kid.

STEVE. Um, so about my conundrum

 59

VERA. What conundrum

STEVE. About the marching band?

VERA. Oh, right, yeah, that stuff doesn’t really matter. Get back to class.

STEVE. Thank you.

MILES. You really suck at your job.

VERA. And you suck at being a boyfriend

STEVE. Well I think you both suck as adults.

 60

SCENE THIRTEEN

KALIOPE. What’s wrong, Agnes the Ass-hatted? By the droop of your shoulders

and your downward gaze it would indicate you are troubled somehow.

AGNES. You're so observant.

KALIOPE. Was that sarcasm?

AGNES. No.

KALIOPE. My apologies, Agnes. We elves may have heightened speed, agility

and strength, and attractiveness …

AGNES … and you you're also humble to boot.

KALIOPE. …but we are lacking in “emotional awareness.”

AGNES. In other words, you're robotic.

KALIOPE. No, we Elves are above emotions. Emotions are a human trait.

AGNES. Well, I admit I'm envious of that right now.

KALIOPE. What troubles you, Agnes the Ass-hatted?

AGNES. I joined this adventure to get to know my sister, to help her, but I don’t

think she really needs me at all.

KALIOPE. Well I don’t think she needs help from most people., She is a 20th

level Paladin after all. If anything, we travel with her for we often require her help.

AGNES. You really are bad at giving advice.

KALIOPE. I apologize, would you like to copulate with me now?

AGNES. Excuse me?

 61

KALIOPE. I think it would make you feel better. I hear humans like to do such

things.

AGNES. Chuck. Chuck! I'm not going to have sex with an elf girl.

CHUCK. I don’t want to see you have sex with an elf girl. Why would I want to

see that! Ew, gross. Hot girl on girl action. Your sister must have written that out, I

mean that’s so gay, and I'm so straight.

AGNES. Are you quite finished? (Agnes turns and Kaliope leans in to kiss her.)

What are you doing?

KALIOPE & CHUCK (Whispering) Nothing.

AGNES. Let’s get back to the group, shall we?

CHUCK. You return back to your party who are all at the foot of the mountain of

Steepness. But before you can move forward, you spy something ahead of you. Its

big, cube shaped, and gelatinous.

(Lights come up on a gelatinous cube as the rest of Agnes’s party step up beside

her.)

AGNES. What is that?

KALIOPE. That, my dear human, is boss number two. Miles the Gelatinous Cube.

(Adventurer Steve enters.)

STEVE. It is I, the great Mage Steve and I … Oh neat, a Jello mold. (The cube

sucks down Steve and burps.)

AGNES. You made my boyfriend a Jello-mold in this game?

TILLY. What? No!

 62

KALIOPE. You actually did.

LILITH. The Elf is correct, love. You indeed made Agnes’s lover into a big cube

of demonic gelatin.

ORCUS. Hold up, that thing isn’t edible.

KALIOPE. No.

ORCUS. Damnit, and I’ve got the munchies.

AGNES. Why’d you make Miles into a flesh eating Jello?

TILLY. I don’t know.

AGNES. Tilly!

TILLY. Maybe because he sucks.

AGNES. I thought you liked him.

TILLY. I loved watching you two make out every day in our living room listening

to the cranberries CD.

AGNES. We were listening to 10,000 maniacs, actually.

TILLY. Because that’s so much less lame.

AGNES. He’s my boyfriend Tilly!

TILLY. He’s a fart-knocker.

AGNES. That’s so mature.

TILLY. He touched me.

AGNES. What?

(Silence.)

TILLY. Okay, he didn’t, but he might of.

 63

AGNES. That’s not funny.

TILLY. That’s not funny.

AGNES. Seriously that’s not something to joke about.

TILLY. Seriously that’s not something to joke about.

AGNES. Real mature.

TILLY Real mature.

AGNES. Stop that.

TILLY. Stop that.

LILITH. Though I find you mocking your sister like a five-year-old incredibly

sexy, shouldn’t we kill this beast before it kills us?

AGNES. No, please don’t, that’s Miles.

TILLY. Once again, you're choosing your boyfriend over me.

KALIOPE. I feel sorry for you Agnes the Ass-hatted; your boyfriend is a slimy

cube.

ORCUS. I’d fuck it. It might feel good. Its slick. (Alternative text: I’d do it. What

are you all looking at me like that for? It might feel good!)

AGNES. This isn’t fair Tilly, and you know it.

TILLY. Do I? I thought you were here to save my soul. I guess you didn’t mean it.

Quest is over guys. We lost. The last adventure I will ever take ends in a forfeit.

AGNES. Tilly, stop.

TILLY. Why, so I can watch you run off and move in with Slimy McSlimeface

over there and forget all about me, forever?

 64

AGNES. I would never forget about you.

TILLY. You did when I was alive

ORCUS. Oh snap, she went there.

TILLY. Are we giving up, or what?

AGNES. Fine, whatever, it’s clearly not my boyfriend, right. You just named him

that. Miles isn’t actually slimy and cube shaped.

LILITH. So we continue? Kill this beast?

AGNES. Fine, lets fight it.

TILLY. Really?

AGNES. Really!

TILLY. Alright, you hear that Miles. Were gonna kill the shit out of you.

AGNES. Can we not call it Miles?

TILLY. I don’t have to call it Miles, sure.

(Suddenly the cube turns into the actual human Miles.)

AGNES. What the hell!

TILLY. I don’t think boss number two was actually a Gelatinous Cube.

LILITH. It’s a shape shifter

KALIOPE. A Doppelganger to be exact.

TILLY Go kill it sis. (Tilly pushes Agnes forward.)

CHUCK. Boss fight number two. Agnes Versus Miles the Doppelganger.

AGNES (Approaching Miles.) You're not actually him. You're not actually him.

MILES. Hey, how are you doing? Have you finished packing the apartment yet?
 65

AGNES. No…not yet.

(Miles hits her in the face.)

MILES. Well, get to it.

AGNES. Tilly, this isn’t fair.

TILLY. It’s a boss, it’s not supposed to be fair.

AGNES. You're not actually Miles.

MILES. Don’t tell me who I am!

(Miles hits her again.)

AGNES. Are you guys going to help?

LILITH, KALIOPE, ORCUS and TILLY: ad-libbing: No not really. You look

capable. You can handle it. I don’t want to step in between you and your lover. It’s

a lover’s fight. It’s none of my business.

AGNES. You guys suck.

MILES. Hey, baby, why don’t you say hello to my little …

(Miles goes to punch Agnes again, this time she catches his fist.)

AGNES. Actually, asshole, I don’t care who you look like, nobody hits me.

(Agnes hits Miles and then they fight, Agnes kills Miles.)

TILLY. And I was just starting to like that guy. Too bad. Let’s go.
 66

SCENE FOURTEEN

(Evil Tina and Gabbi enter, except they aren’t evil this time, they’re just students.

No wings or horns of bloody mouths, just regular cheerleaders. They are super

nice.)

TINA. Hello, Miss Evans.

GABBI. Do you have a moment?

AGNES. (A beat.) Sure.

TINA. We’re selling ads for this year’s yearbook and we were wondering if you’d

be interested in buying one?

AGNES. Why would I want to do that? I'm not selling anything.

GABBI. It doesn’t have to be a literal ad.

TINA. It could be a, congratulations to the Class of 95!

GABBI. Or an encouraging message to your graduating students.

TINA. Or a dedication to a loved one who would be graduating this year…

GABBI. Tina!

TINA. Shhhh. (To Agnes.) What do you think?

AGNES. You were in the same class as my sister, Tilly?

TINA. Yes

GABBI. Me and Tina loved her.

TINA. She…was…she was such a good spirit. Wouldn’t you agree, Gabbi?

GABBI. Totally. She always knew how to make someone smile.

 67

TINA. We were both just devastated when we found out. I mean, we didn’t hang

out after school a lot, but …

GABBI. …we would both consider her a very close friend.

AGNES. Is that right?

TINA. Not to be too bold, but I think buying a full-page ad for Tilly would be …

well, it would be amazing.

GABBI. We could even help you with it.

AGNES. Oh, is that right?

TINA. I write poetry.

GABBI. And I draw.

TINA. We could put something nice in there for her.

GABBI. What do you think?

AGNES. Can I see your yearbook there?

TINA. Of course.

(Agnes throws it and pages fly everywhere.)

AGNES. Get out of my classroom, now!

TINA. Yes, Ma’am

GABBI. Sorry to bother you!

(The two girls run out, and Tilly enters.)

TILLY. That seemed effective.

AGNES. What am I supposed to do, Tilly? I can’t beat up students.

TILLY. I would have …

 68

AGNES…. Tilly

TILLY… Agnes, I….

AGNES ...forget it

TILLY. Are you still mad at me for making you kill your boyfriend?

AGNES. That was really uncool.

TILLY. Miles is uncool.

AGNES. I love him.

TILLY. Then how come you're not married to him?

AGNES. I'm 27, I don’t need to be married.

TILLY. But 27 in Ohio-time is like geriatric, it’s like super old. It’s like 40.

Shouldn’t you already have a kid or two?

AGNES. It doesn’t matter, because neither of us is ready.

TILLY. Whatever you say.

(Agnes stares at the ghost of her sister standing there.)

AGNES. Am I going crazy?

TILLY. Hey, it’s better than being dead.

 69

SCENE FIFTEEN

AGNES. Where were we?

CHUCK. Let’s see. You and your party are climbing the mountain of steepness

when suddenly you run back into…

(Miles enters.)

MILES. Hey.

CHUCK. Your boyfriend? No, that’s not right.

AGNES. Hey.

MILES. Am I interrupting?

CHUCK. Well, sort of.

MILES. Were you guys playing … Dungeons and Dragons?

AGNES. Yes.

MILES. Cool.

AGNES. We weren’t having kinky dungeons sex, if that’s what you were

wondering.

CHUCK. What? Wait a minute! That was an option?

AGNES. No.

MILES. Vera told you, huh?

AGNES. Yes.

MILES. I misinterpreted.

AGNES. With a high schooler?

 70

MILES. Well he really is big for his age.

CHUCK. I'm not big. Maybe you're just small. Small guy!

MILES. Are you mad at me?

AGNES. I'm not happy.

MILES. Okay, that’s fair. But you're not mad.

AGNES. Well, keep asking that question and we’ll see.

MILES. I came by because I thought, maybe, we could go back to our new place

and start unpacking some boxes.

AGNES. I'm still not finished here. Packing Tilly’s room.

MILES. No, what I was saying was maybe we can go back…to our place, you

know, do some unpacking. I have something special planned you might like.

AGNES. Like what?

MILES. Like…special

CHUCK. I think he’s implying sex.

AGNES. Thank you, Chuck.

CHUCK. But unpacking as an analogy is really confusing.

AGNES. I'm busy, Miles.

MILES. But you're just playing a game!

AGNES. It’s more than that.

MILES. Can’t it wait for just one night?

AGNES. No.

MILES. Okay, well, how about Friday? Can we hang out on Friday?
 71

AGNES. I don’t know.

MILES. I thought you said you weren’t mad.

AGNES. I'm not mad, I'm just focused on this right now.

MILES. Baby, come on,

AGNES. I'm not in the mood.

CHUCK. Hey do you want to play?

MILES. What?

CHUCK. Yeah, you should totally join in and play. I mean if you want to hang

out. You can’t do any worse than Agnes here. She sucks.

AGNES. He doesn’t want to play.

MILES. Actually, I would. I would like to play, Chuck.

AGNES. What are you doing?

MILES. This is important to you and I want to be part of it.

AGNES. Its private.

MILES. I know, but you never talk to me about Tilly, or your parents, or any of it.

I just … if this could help me get to know you better, I want to try. Please let me

try.

AGNES. Are you for real?

MILES. I am

(Agnes thinks it over.)

AGNES. Fine, roll him up a character sheet.

(Chuck rolls dice as Tilly, Kaliope, Lilith and Orcus enter.)

 72

LILITH. Agnes, behind you!

KALIOPE. Boss number two.

AGNES. Its ok.

ORCUS. Dude, if that thing is that hard to kill, I give up now.

AGNES. No, this is not Boss number two, this is Miles. The real Miles, my

boyfriend.

TILLY. What’s he doing here?

AGNES. He wanted to come.

TILLY. We already have five people in our party.

AGNES. He wants to get to know you … us … better.

TILLY. It’s not really the same thing, now is it?

ORCUS. Hell yeah, it’s about time we got some more testosterone into this

estrogen party. What’s up? I'm Orcus! Resident, “Horney devil.”

MILES. This is Dungeons and Dragons, huh? Neat.

TILLY. You're not serious.

AGNES. You may not like him, but at least I know he has my back.

TILLY. We have your back.

AGNES. Right, just like last time when you made me kill my boyfriend.

MILES. You killed me?

AGNES. No, I killed a blob that looked like you.

MILES. I looked like a blob?

TILLY. If you got into trouble, we would have stepped in.

 73

KALIOPE. Assuredly.

LILITH. I wouldn’t have.

ORCUS. No way.

TILLY. Guys, you're not helping.

AGNES. Change of subject! What’s the next thing we have to fight?

KALIOPE. The next Boss is a Beholder.

AGNES. Aww, that sounds cute, like, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

TILLY, KALIOPE, ORCUS, LILITH. (ad-libbing) No, nope, not the same

thing. That thing is ugly. Like it will kill the crap out of you. So scary. Just one big

scary eyeball.

MILES. Trust me, whatever it is, we’re gonna be fine. I'm here now.

(The Succubi are back, everyone but Miles drops into a defensive stance.)

EVIL GABBI. Oh my God, Evil Tina. Look! An impenetrable wall of losers.

EVIL TINA. How will we ever get past them?

AGNES. Miles, get back.

MILES. Why?

TILLY. Get back, dummy

MILES. Guys, they’re just two cute little girls. What are they going to do?

EVIL TINA and GABBI. (Evil Tina and Gabbi give out a cute little laugh.)

Hee-hee! (Then they rip out his heart and Miles falls to the ground dead.)

TILLY. He didn’t last long.

AGNES. Tilly, shoot them with a Magic Missile!

 74

TILLY. I can’t.

AGNES. What do you mean you can’t?

TILLY. I forgot the spell.

AGNES. I don’t understand. How did you forget the spell?

TILLY. It’s a thing. It’s not going to help us.

EVIL GABBI. How hungry are you, Evil Tina?

EVIL TINA. Starving.

EVIL GABBI. What would you like first? Sweet or savory?

EVIL TINA. I like the…. school teacher.

LILITH. I suggest we stop these succubi the old-fashioned way.

AGNES. And that would be?

LILITH. With violence, love. Lots and lots of violence.

EVIL GABBI. Oh no, what will we fight them with?

EVIL TINA. We are so unarmed.

(Steve the adventurer enters.)

STEVE. It is I, the great Mage Steve, returned to do battle with … Oh, hello

ladies.

(The succubi rip his arms off.)

EVIL TINA. Oops.

EVIL GABBI. I guess that answers that question.

(The group fights using Steve’s arms. Tilly gets cornered by the succubi.)

EVIL TINA. Aww, look at the little nerd girl.

 75

EVIL GABBI. Are you going to pee your pants?

TILLY. No.

EVIL TINA. Say goodbye, lezzie!

LILITH. No!

(Lilith runs into help Tilly, but is killed.)

TILLY. Lilith!

EVIL TINA. Aww, did your lesbo girlfriend just die?

EVIL GABBI. That’s so sad. Aren’t they just so sad?

(They both laugh mockingly.)

ORCUS. I don’t see what’s so funny.

AGNES. You’ll just be joining her in two seconds.

KALIOPE. Prepare to be ushered to your death.

EVIL TINA. You don’t have a hope in hell of beating us.

EVIL GABBI. We’re way too powerful.

ORCUS. Who said we were going to do it with our fists?

KALIOPE. There’s only one way to beat a succubus.

AGNES. We challenge you to…. a dance battle.

CHUCK. Bonus round: Agnes, the Elf and Orcus versus The Evil Succubi!

(Music like C&C Factory’s, Gonna make you sweat fills the house and the 2 crews

go at it in a full-on dance battle. Agnes’s crew starts out great, they look good,

comedic, but still good. The two succubi look at each other unimpressed, smile

and start doing an elaborate dance routine. Thinking they’ve won, they raise their
 76

arms in victory, when they do, Agnes, Orcus and Kaliope pick up their weapons

and drive them through them while they aren’t looking.)

EVIL TINA. That’s not fair.

EVIL GABBI. You cheated.

(The succubi die. Tilly runs back to Lilith’s side as everyone watches.)

AGNES. Can we resurrect her?

KALIOPE. No. Tillius used that spell to save you.

AGNES. But you're magical, do something.

KALIOPE. I don’t have that kind of magic.

AGNES. Orcus?

ORCUS. I only keep souls. I don’t put them back.

AGNES. Chuck!

(Cuts to…)

CHUCK. What?

AGNES. Bring her back.

CHUCK. I can’t.

AGNES. You killed her girlfriend, now bring her back.

CHUCK. I didn’t kill her. She jumped in the way. I rolled the dice; it says she

died.

AGNES. Screw the dice, just save her.

CHUCK. I can’t.

AGNES. Bring her back, Chuck. I'm not kidding, bring Lilith back.
 77

CHUCK. Agnes, I can’t. Not for this adventure, there are rules.

AGNES. What rules? You're the DM, you make the rules.

CHUCK. No, I don’t. TSR makes the rules.

AGNES. TSR?

CHUCK. There the ones who made the game.

AGNES. Please, Chuck. I don’t care what you have to do. Please just bring her

back.

MILES (Sits up from where he was lying dead.) Hey, Agnes, maybe you need to

take a breather. I just died, and I'm fine.

AGNES. No, I'm not going to let my sister suffer like this.

MILES. It’s not actually your sister.

AGNES. Screw you!

MILES. Babe.

AGNES. Are you going to bring her back?

CHUCK. I'm sorry

AGNES. No! wrong answer.

(Agnes pushes all the D&D pieces off the table.)

MILES. Agnes …

(Tilly enters.)

TILLY. Stop.

AGNES. Go away.

TILLY. They’re right you know.

 78

AGNES. Shut up.

TILLY. It’s just a game.

AGNES. I was getting to know you. I was just starting to get to know you.

TILLY. My characters not dead.

AGNES. No, but you are.

TILLY. Agnes.

AGNES. This is a stupid game and you're not real, and none of this matter because

you died.

TILLY. Agnes.

AGNES. Chuck I'm done.

CHUCK. What?

AGNES. Thank you so much for indulging me. Really … it was something. I’ll

call you if I change my mind. But I'm done talking to ghosts.

 79

SCENE SIXTEEN

(Vera’s office, Agnes walks in.)

VERA. How’s the packing coming along?

AGNES. It’s alright, I guess.

VERA. Miles says you had a bit of a melt-down.

AGNES. When did you two become buddy-buddy?

VERA. He came by. Wanted my help on something. (Pause, she looks at Agnes)

Hey, what’s up?

AGNES. I'm just in a funk.

VERA. Agnes, it’s me. I'm not your stupid man. Talk to me.

AGNES. It’s idiotic.

VERA. You're talking to the woman who has a Poison tattoo on her butt. I know

stupid. I inked stupid on my butt. I'm sure whatever stupid you're doing isn’t

costing you a thousand dollars in laser removal.

AGNES. It was just that game was all I had of her. Just a stupid character sheet

and whatever she left scribbled out in a notebook.

VERA. That’s not true. You have your memories.

AGNES. My memories.? My memories are shit. Do you want to know what my

memories of Tilly are? They’re of this nerdy little girl who I never talked to. Who I

ignored, who I didn’t understand because she didn’t live in the same world as I

did? Her world was filled with Jello-monsters and lesbian demon queens and

slacker Gods, while mine had … George Michaels, and leg warmers. I didn’t get
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her. I assumed I would one day … or she would grow out of all this … that I’d be

able to sit around and ask her about normal things like clothes, TV shows, and

boys …and as it turns out, I didn’t even know she didn’t like boys until my DM

told me.

VERA. It’s okay, Agnes

AGNES. No, it’s not. I didn’t know her Vera. That breaks my heart. I remember

her as a baby. I remember her as a toddler I loved picking up and holding, but I

don’t remember her as an adult. And now all I have left is the stupid piece of paper

and this stupid made up adventure about killing a stupid made-up dragon.

VERA. Agnes…

(Chuck appears at the door.)

CHUCK. Agnes, ... I mean, Miss Evans, ... umm, do you have a moment.

AGNES. What are you doing here, Chuck?

CHUCK. I wanted … I wanted to return this to you.

(Chuck hands over the module.)

AGNES. Thank you.

CHUCK. I was also wondering if you were free this afternoon.

AGNES. Are you asking me out?

CHUCK. I can do that?

VERA. She was being sarcastic

AGNES. What do you want, Chuck?

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CHUCK. I just wanted to show you something. It’s something of Tilly’s.

AGNES. What?

(Agnes gets up and follows Chuck. Cut to, a door, Chuck knocks on it.)

AGNES. Where is this?

CHUCK. This is a friend’s house.

AGNES. I don’t understand. Who?

ORCUS. What’s up home-slice

AGNES. Orcus?

CHUCK. Actually, this is Ronnie.

ORCUS. Hey, wow. Older girl. At my house. Sweet!

CHUCK. I just wanted you to meet some of Tilly’s friends. Ronnie, this is who I

was telling you about.

ORCUS. Whoa, this is Tilly’s sister?

CHUCK. Yeah.

ORCUS. You're a total Betty.

CHUCK. Uh, Ronnie

ORCUS. What?

CHUCK. Outside voice.

ORCUS. I'm saying stuff out loud I should just keep in my head, right?

CHUCK. Yeah.

ORCUS. Sorry.

CHUCK. Is your sister around?

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ORCUS. Yeah, lemme get her. You guys can come in if you want, just don’t touch

the TV, I'm recording Power Rangers.

(They enter.)

AGNES. You really didn’t do much to make him different. He’s basically the

same, except no horns … and straight.

CHUCK. Here’s a picture of his sister.

AGNES. Kaliope?

CHUCK. Kelly, actually.

AGNES. Wow, is she actually hotter in real life?

CHUCK. Yeah, she’s pretty.

AGNES. So, what are you trying to show me here? That my sister was really good

at drawing up her friends?

CHUCK. Not exactly.

(Ronnie returns with his sister, Kelly. She’s in a wheelchair.)

KALIOPE. What’s up, Chuck.

CHUCK. Hey there.

KALIOPE. Who’s this?

CHUCK. Tilly’s sister.

KALIOPE. Oh hi! Nice to meet you.

AGNES. Uh…Hi.

KALIOPE. What? Do I have something on my face?

AGNES. No, umm, it’s just … You play D&D with these guys?
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KALIOPE. Yeah, well, my brother has always been into it, but it was actually

your kid sister that convinced me to give it a try. I know it’s dorky, right?

AGNES. I guess.

KALIOPE. Your sister was awesome. We loved her. We really miss her.

AGNES. Me too.

(Tilly enters.)

TILLY. What are you doing?

(We see Ronnie and Kelly transform back to their DnD characters.)

AGNES. I'm getting to know your friends.

TILLY. Are you judging them?

AGNES. What? Tilly, no.

TILLY. I know they’re geeky, I'm geeky, we’re all geeks.

AGNES. No Tilly. I care about this stuff.

TILLY. Everyone else thinks I'm geeky, or did. I mean, until I died in a car crash

and then suddenly, wow, I'm the most popular girl in school.

AGNES. Is that why all of you play this?

TILLY. No, we play it because it’s awesome. It’s about adventure, and saving the

world and having magic. And maybe, in some small teeny capacity, I guess it

might have a little to do with wish fulfilment. Kelly gets to walk again; Ronnie

gets to be super strong…

AGNES. What about you?

TILLY. Me? … I get the girl.

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(Lights come up on the real-life high schooler, Lilith)

AGNES. Hi.

LILITH. Hello.

AGNES. Can we talk for a minute? I promise I'm not going to yell.

LILITH. Sure.

AGNES. I'm sorry about the outburst in Miss. Martin’s office the other day, I'm

dealing with something, and…

LILITH. I get it.

AGNES. I know you're not gay, or my sisters, whatever, but she wanted you to

have this. It’s a letter she wrote to you.

LILITH. What does it say?

AGNES. It wasn’t written to me, so I don’t know. (Pause.) Do you want it?

LILITH. Yes.

(Lilith opens it and reads it to herself.)

LILITH. Thank you.

AGNES. Have a good day.

LILITH. Wait.

AGNES. Yes?

LILITH. I, uh … I did know Tilly.

AGNES. I know. You were at her funeral.

LILITH. No, I mean …we were close. I mean, she wasn’t my girlfriend or

anything, but I always knew she ... I always knew she was interested. And maybe,
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well, I could have been too. It’s just I didn’t know … I don’t know. Anyways,

you’re not crazy. Tilly was my first kiss and I'm pretty sure I was hers too. (Pause)

I thought you might want to know that.

AGNES. Thank you.

LILITH. And Miss Evans.

AGNES. Don’t worry, Lily, I won’t say a word to anyone.

LILITH. No, it’s not that … I loved her. I wish I could have told her that.

AGNES. (Pause) I know what you mean.

(Lights fade down on Lilith.)

AGNES. OK, Chuck. I get it. Let’s do this.

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SCENE SEVENTEEN

(Orcus, Kaliope, and Tilly are stood next to Agnes. Chuck is in his DM role.)

CHUCK. Boss number three. (Fighters draw weapons.) Vera the Beholder!

VERA. Hahaha, there is no way you can defeat me, I am a Beholder, and I will …

(Agnes walks up, stabs it in the eye, and it dies.)

AGNES. Well, that was easy. So, where’s this dragon, Tiamat. This is the castle of

Evil, right?

TILLY. Yes, we’re at the right castle.

AGNES. So where is it?

TILLY. There’s something you should know about Tiamat.

AGNES. What?

TILLY. It’s a shape shifter.

ORCUS. Like Miles the gelatinous cube!

AGNES. Okay?

KALIOPE. So, it can take any form.

TILLY. A friend.

ORCUS. A lover.

KALIOIPE. Anybody.

(Steve enters.)

STEVE. It is I, the great Mage Steve.

(Agnes pulls out a knife and stabs Steve dead.)

AGNES. Take that, dragon! (Pause.) He’s not getting back up.
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KALIOPE. He’s not Tiamat.

AGNES. If he’s not Tiamat, who is?

LILITH, I don’t know, love. Where could you possible find a monster in this

game?

AGNES. Lilith?

LILITH. I mean, look around, where, oh where, can all the monsters be?

TILLY (Pointing to Orcus.) Watch out, Agnes. Demon.

LILITH (Pointing to Kaliope.) Oh, a Dark Elf!

KALIOPE (Pointing to Lilith) A Demon Queen!

LILITH, ORCUS, KALIOPE (Pointing at Tilly) Tiamat.

TILLY. Come, Agnes. You didn’t actually think I was a Paladin, did you?

Everyone knows Paladins can’t shoot Magic Missiles. This is a D&D adventure,

and what would an adventure be if you didn’t get to fight a dragon?

AGNES. What? Tilly, what’s happening?

(Tilly hands Agnes her sword.)

TILLY. What do you think is happening, Big Sis?

AGNES. Chuck?

CHUCK. Final fight, Agnes versus Tiamat.

(Steve stands and joins the rest of the group. They walk into darkness.

Agnes is alone. Suddenly the stage goes dark and we hear footstep. The screech of

something large. We see red eyes. The stage fills with smoke. Suddenly Tiamat

attacks, Agnes and the dragon go at it in an all-out fight. It’s a bloody battle, but in
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the end, Agnes plunges her sword in and kills the beast. It collapses on the stage

dead. A spotlight comes up on Tilly.)

TILLY Good job.

AGNES. Tilly?

TILLY. So, did you have fun?

AGNES. I don’t understand.

TILLY. Did you have fun. That’s the point to all of this. Having fun. (Agnes nods

her head.) Good. (Tilly begins to exit.)

AGNES. Wait. You're not real. You're gone.

TILLY. But this story remains … and isn’t that essentially all that life is, a

collection of stories? This is one of mine …

KALIOPE … and not just some story that I experienced, like a party or a dance,

or even an event but something I dreamt.

LILITH. Something far more personal and important than happenstance. This

story came from my soul and by breathing life into it, who knows?

ORCUS. Maybe a bit of my soul gets the chance to breathe for a moment once

again.

CHUCK. (Reading from module.) I love you, my sister.

TILLY. I'm sorry I can’t be there.

CHUCK. I have no idea why you had to experience this adventure alone without

me, but I hope I gave you a glimpse into me, the way I wanted you to see me.

ORCUS. Strong.
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LILITH. Powerful.

KALIOPE And magical.

CHUCK. Congratulations, you have finished the Quest for the Lost Soul of

Athens.

(Agnes and Tilly hug.)

NARRATOR. And so ...Agnes the Ass-hatted accomplished her very first quest.

Soon she would embark on another, and then another, and so forth and so on for

the rest of her life. Miles the boyfriend, who became Miles the fiancé, and finally

Miles the husband and father, would join her on many quests alongside Chuck the

Big Brained and Tilly’s old group of friends, Ronnie the slacker, Kelly the not-so-

good-legged, and Lily the closeted. Tilly was never forgotten. Agnes got married

and eventually the world finally embraced nerds not as outsiders, but as awesome.

Agnes moved out of that old house and brought many memories of an average life

with her, and this made her happy.