Handling Criticism by Torty Vincent

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 Handling Criticism by Torty Vincent

HANDLING CRITICISM

BY

TORTY VINCENT

Simply put, criticism is a judgment or statement of what is wrong or unpleasant about

someone or something, or pointing out one or more flaws in someone or something,

expressed orally or in writing. You can use constructive criticism to help you grow as a

person if it is intended to be constructive. You can try to break the habit like a bad habit if it's

only meant to hurt you. So, how do you go about dealing with it? Follow these steps to find

out.

HOW TO DEAL WITH CRITICISM

A CHANGING YOUR PERSPECTIVE

1 Know the difference between destructive and constructive criticism.

This is the first step to being able to deal with criticism. You have to know where the

feedback is coming from and understand the intentions of the person who is giving it to you.

If it's a teacher or a superior, then chances are the person only wants you to perform better;

but when it's coming from a supposed friend, or even an enemy, then you have to wonder

whether or not the person has your best interest in mind.

 If you're sure that the criticism is completely invalid, totally off, and only meant to

hurt you, then you can skip down to the second section to learn how to deal with

destructive criticism.

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 Constructive criticism is, ideally, meant to help you. Destructive criticism is only

intended to cause hurt.

 Try to focus on the message as well as the delivery. It's hard to see that a person really

is telling you something legitimate that you can work on if he or she is yelling at you

or just acting like you're a nuisance.

2 Accept that you're not perfect.

This is a great way to deal with criticism. If you want to be able to take a little bit of feedback,

then you can't keep thinking that you can do no wrong. Nobody's perfect, so if you think

you're perfect, then you're nobody. (Ha, ha.) Okay, but seriously: every person has flaws, and

if you don't see any of yours, then you're not analyzing yourself as closely as you should.

 Make a list of your 10 biggest flaws. That's right. 10! Can you think of 10 things that

need improvement? How about 15? This exercise isn't meant to make you feel bad

about yourself; it's only meant to make you see that you have room for improvement.

 Think about all of the people you know. Can you name a single one who is perfect

who isn't a movie star? And remember that even most movie stars have some flaws,

however visibly small they may be.

3 Don't take it personally.

If you want to know how to best deal with criticism, then you can't take it personally. If your

boss says you've been a little less productive than usual lately, it's not because he thinks

you're fat and lazy; it's because he wants you, his employee, to step up your game. If your

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best friend says that you have a tendency to zone out when she's talking to you, don't think

that she's calling you a horrible friend and a zombie; she just wants you to communicate a

little better.

 If the criticism is constructive, then it's intended to guide you and to help you improve

as a person, not to bring you down and make you feel inadequate.

 If your teacher has given you rather critical feedback on a paper, it's not because she

thinks you're stupid or annoying in class; it's because she thinks you have some work

to do when it comes to making an argument.

4 Work on being less sensitive.

If you always find yourself crying, getting defensive, and feeling generally upset when

someone gives you what was supposed to be helpful feedback, then you have to start

thickening your skin. Work on accepting your flaws and being able to hear about some areas

where you can improve. If you never improve, then you'll be flat-lining, and you don't want

that, do you? Try to focus on the message and its intention to help you instead of focusing on

all of the "mean" or "hurtful" things that were said to you.

 Think about where the message is coming from. Chances are, your boss didn't just

send you a terse email to be a jerk or to make you feel bad. He just probably wants

you to do your job better.

 Control your emotions. You don't have to tear up every time someone says a negative

word.

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 Work on your reputation. If people think you are sensitive, they will be less likely to

tell you the truth, and you don't want people to feel like they're walking around on

eggshells whenever they talk to you.

B DEALING WITH CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM

1 Understand what you're really being told.

If you want to deal with criticism, then you have to understand the message behind it. If

you've determined that the criticism is meant to be constructive, then you have to break it

down so you can start figuring out what to do next. Sometimes, you may be focused on the

hurtful aspects of the feedback and your pride may be too wounded for you to see what is

right in front of you.

 Sure, you weren't happy with the "C" on your English paper. But was your teacher

trying to tell you that you were stupid and a horrible writer? Probably not. She wanted

to tell you to research your argument more, and to use more concrete evidence to back

up your claims. It also wouldn't have hurt to actually meet the word limit, would it?

 If your friend told you you're obsessed with yourself, sure that hurts. But could there

be something helpful behind the message? Sure: your friend is telling you to be a little

more empathetic, and to spend more time thinking about others and less time thinking

about yourself.

2 See if there's some truth to it.

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If the feedback is coming from a person who has your best interest in mind, then you have to

consider the possibility that there really is some truth to those words. It's even more likely if

you've heard similar comments before. If ten people told you you were selfish, or if your last

three girlfriends told you you were emotionally distant, then they can't all be wrong, can they?

Take a moment to consider the possibility that this person is really on to something.

3 Make a game plan for addressing it.

Okay, you've decided that your English teacher, boss, boyfriend, or best friend is completely

right, or at least somewhat right. Now, you've got to write down the thing you need to work

on, and make a plan for addressing it. This can take a long time, and it's never too late to start.

Once you come up with a plan, a way of adjusting your expectations and actions, you can

begin to address the criticism and become a better person.

 If your English teacher is right about you needing to do more research, then make a

point of spending twice as much time reading up on your sources before you come up

with an argument next time.

 If your boss tells you you're disorganized, work on organizing your desk, Inbox, and

your spreadsheets until you feel more in control.

 If your boyfriend tells you you're too needy, work on giving him some space by

spending more time alone or with your girlfriends.

4 Thank the person for being honest (if he's also being kind).

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If you have received some criticism that was delivered in a friendly and helpful way, or just

in a way that was meant to be honest and clear, then take the time to thank the person and to

say that you appreciate the fact that the person told you something that can make you an even

better friend, girlfriend, student, professional or parent.

 Thanking people who give you honest criticism is also a sign of maturity. Suck it up

and say "thank you" even if you're gritting your teeth.

5 Stop making excuses.

If someone is giving you valid criticism, stop making excuses for why that person is

completely wrong, especially if you know that there is some truth to what he or she is saying.

If you get defensive and make excuses, then the person won't be able to finish telling you

exactly what he or she means, and you won't get the information you need to really improve.

It's natural that we feel defensive and get the feeling that we can do no wrong, but it's

important to hear people out before you cut them off to prove you're perfect.

 If someone is in the middle of telling you something you can do to improve, don't say,

"But actually, I already do that..." unless you feel like the person is really off base.

 If your teacher says you need to work harder, don't give her a lame excuse for why

you've been slacking off. Instead, note the feedback and try to address it.

 It takes maturity to stay quiet instead of making excuses for why the person is wrong

when you're getting valid feedback.

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6 Remember that constructive criticism can make you a better person.

Sure, it's tough to deal with even the most well- meaning criticism, especially if you're

convinced you're perfect and that you can do no wrong. But if you're so invested in being an

awesome person, then remind yourself that being aware of your flaws and shortcomings and

making a plan for addressing them will make you an even more amazing person.

 The next time you hear some constructive criticism, embrace it! It's kind of like what

Kelly Clarkson (2002) said: "Whatever (criticism) doesn't kill you makes you

stronger."

C DEALING WITH DESTRUCTIVE CRITICISM

1 Understand the person's true motives.

If you have recognized the criticism as completely destructive and hurtful, then you can think

about why the person might have said such a thing to make yourself feel better. Maybe the

girl was jealous of your new outfit and said you dress like a skank. Maybe a guy said you're

not a good writer because he's jealous that you just published a story. Maybe the person was

just in a bad mood and felt like taking it out on someone. Whatever the reason, remind

yourself that it had little to do with who you are.

 Put yourself in the person's shoes. Understand where he is really coming from.

Though the words will still sting, it might make you feel better. If your coworker

yelled at you for no reason, but you remember that he is going through a divorce, then

you'll start to be a bit more understanding, won't you?

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2 Look for the grain of truth.

Okay, so maybe the criticism was delivered in a way that was completely mean, unnecessary,

and hurtful, and most of the things that were said were way off base. Maybe your co-worker

said you were "a complete mess" or your friend said you were "totally selfish" for what you

think was no reason at all. Take a minute to think about it, though: do you need to brush up

on your organizational skills? Have you been known to be a little selfish from time to time? If

so, then maybe you should reconsider your actions without getting hurt by the way the

criticism was given.

 Sure, it's very hard to take someone seriously if they are yelling at you, calling you

names, or generally treating you with completely disrespect. This makes it nearly

impossible to take a word they say seriously. But if you want to be the bigger person,

try to find the underlying message if there is one.

3 Remember that words can never hurt you.

What was that thing your mother told you about "sticks and stones" not being able to break

your bones? Sure, you thought it was stupid in third grade, but now, you're a lot older, and it's

starting to make sense. In the end, destructive criticism isn't made up of bullets, swords, or

atomic bombs -- it's just a series of words connected together in a way designed to make you

feel terrible. So, remind yourself that criticism only consists of a bunch of words.

 Criticism can't steal your money, slap you across the face, or crash your car. So don't

let it get to you.

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4 Stay confident.

The most important thing you can do is maintain your confidence. No matter what people are

saying about you, you have to stay strong, remember who you are, and not let other people

influence your own self-worth. Being confident doesn't mean thinking that you're flawless,

but it does mean loving who you are and how you look. If you're truly confident, then you

won't let haters get you down and make you think less of yourself.

 If you're unhappy with whom you are, ask yourself why. Make a list of a few things

you don't like about yourself and figure out what you can change.

 Being confident also means accepting the things you cannot change about yourself.

So, you don't like that you're so tall. Do you plan on slouching for the rest of your life,

or will you start to love your long legs after all?

 Hanging out with people who make you feel good about yourself will also go a long

way in making you feel more confident. If you're hanging with people who always

bring you down, then yeah, you're not going to feel good about yourself.

5 Keep doing what you're doing.

So...you've heard that someone said you're a brown-nose. Will you start participating less in

class? Or your co- worker has told you you're too type A. Are you going to stop being who

you are if it's working for you? Of course not. If you haven't received a valid criticism and

know that what people are telling you is only being said because of jealousy, anger, or mean-

spiritedness, then there's no need to change your routine to please people.

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 If the criticism has no basis whatsoever, then the best thing you can do is to ignore it

completely.

 Don't feel bad if you're not able to push all of these negative words aside right away.

It takes practice to stop caring about what people think.

TIPS

 Dealing with Destructive Criticism If the criticism is faulty, ignore what has been said

or contact the person who sent the criticism.

 Criticism means constructive advice pointing out your faults.

 You should be polite with people so that they will not use harsh words all the time.

WARNINGS

 Don't flat out tell the person they are wrong and should "stop flaming you"; this

doesn't make a difference whether they are right or not.

 People might think you are weird if you tell people to criticize you.

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DEALING WITH UNFAIR CRITICISM

Questionable criticism can feel even harsher. Here are some tips to handle it.

5 Questions you should ask yourself

 Whose problem is it really?

 Are you rating the critical person's opinion of you higher than your own?

 Are you setting yourself up to be criticized? I know this is a really tricky one, because

bullying can be so subtle that you barely notice it starting

 Is it really a power struggle? This is linked with the previous point. This is about

being honest with yourself. If you know you're not playing that power game, then do

not beat yourself up about it.

 Is it about one-upmanship, competition, retaliation or control? This may point to you

being bullied, depending on the length of time it's been going on.

10 TIPS TO EFFECTIVELY DEAL WITH CRITICISM

1. Determine if the critic has all the information - don't be afraid to assert yourself

2. Ensure the information is accurate and unbiased (as far as possible)

3. Ask calmly for further explanation

4. Find out how the information was gathered

5. Consider if there is a misunderstanding

6. Consider whether the intent may have been to deliberately hurt you

7. Ask for a break to do some thinking (and to calm down!)

8. Come back to the conversation and start by calming stating that you've thought about it

carefully

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9. Give the giver of the message some credit for starters, even if for offering you an

opportunity to reflect on the situation or to discuss it

10. State your view of the situation kindly, but assertively (even if you have to fake it!)

“Criticism, like rain, should be gentle enough to nourish a man's growth without destroying

his roots.”

Frank A. Clark

ACCEPTING APPROPRIATE, REALISTIC AND FAIR CRITICISM

 Accept the criticism—we all make mistakes

 Accept the criticism calmly

 Agree briefly, depending on what happened

 Avoid endless explanations and excuses

 Make amends, learn from your mistakes, let it go and move on

ANTICIPATING HAVING TO DEAL WITH CRITICISM

“Criticism is something we can avoid easily

by saying nothing, doing nothing and being nothing”

Aristotle

You may just need to accept that you’re going to be criticized — regardless of what you do.

You really cannot please everyone — particularly not if you…

… manage a team

… are an entrepreneur

… own your own company

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… are a politician

… or just are successful in whatever you do.

There will be people who will be critical of you.

There will also be people for whom you are never going to get it right, whatever you do

There will also be people for whom nobody is going to ever get it right.

In fact, whatever your position — you’re going to be criticized for sure. But you can bolster

yourself — You Have Control Over You (mind you, its worth remembering that you don’t

have control over anyone else — whether or not you’re dealing with criticism).

ARE YOU YOUR OWN WORSE CRITICS?

There is so much more to you!

Whatever the reason was for you having to deal with criticism, just remember that there is

so much more to you than whatever it was that got criticized. Just know that:

 You are not your thoughts

 You are not your feelings

 You are not your behavior

In addition, if any of these happen to apply to you:

 You are not your work

 You are not your art

 You are not your performance

 You are not your scores

 You are not your last photo-shoot

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 You are not your music

Whether or not you’re involved in the performing arts, music, sport, fashion, Tv or you’re a

minor or a major celebrity — There Is Much More To You than any of these aspects.

Are you beating up yourself? Are you constantly critical of yourself? Is there a critic sitting

on your shoulder forever undermining you? Are you always giving yourself a hard time? Do

you tell yourself that…

… you look ridiculous

… you’re no good

… you’re showing yourself up

… you’ll never ‘make it’

… your work is rubbish

Constant self-criticism makes it harder for you to deal appropriately with criticism

from others

In a sense, you are bulling yourself. Its very unlikely that you would say the things you are

telling yourself to your best friend. Yet you are happy to undermine yourself?

Now is the time to change that!

 Start by just noticing --- without condemning. Just be curious about what kind of

situations cause you to become particularly self-critical

 Ask yourself if you would be happy to undermine your best friend in the same way.

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 Simply notice things that you can do better — there is an advantage to being self-

observant without being overly critical.

 Commit to doing all you can to do better next time.

 Learn to laugh at yourself.

 Remember: today’s drama is tomorrow’s bin-liner!

THE BENEFITS OF CRITICISM

A PERSONAL GROWTH

1. Looking for seeds of truth in criticism encourages humility. It’s not easy to take an

honest look at yourself and your weaknesses, but you can only grow if you’re willing to try.

2. Learning from criticism allows you to improve. Almost every critique gives you a tool

to more effectively create the tomorrow you visualize.

3. Criticism opens you up to new perspectives and ideas that you may not have considered.

Whenever someone challenges you, they help expand your thinking.

4. Your critics give you an opportunity to practice active listening. This means you resist

the urge to analyze in your head, planning your rebuttal, and simply consider what the other

person is saying.

5. You have the chance to practice forgiveness when you come up against harsh critics.

Most of us carry around stress and frustration that we unintentionally misdirect from time to

time.

B EMOTIONAL BENEFITS

6. It’s helpful to learn how to sit with the discomfort of an initial emotional reaction

instead of immediately acting or retaliating. All too often we want to do something with our

feelings—generally not a great idea!

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7. Criticism gives you the chance to foster problem solving skills, which isn’t always easy

when you’re feeling sensitive, self-critical, or annoyed with your critic.

8. Receiving criticism that hits a sensitive spot helps you explore unresolved issues.

Maybe you’re sensitive about your intelligence because you’re holding onto something

someone said to you years ago, something you need to release.

9. Interpreting someone else’s feedback is an opportunity for rational thinking—

sometimes, despite a negative tone, criticism is incredibly useful.

10. Criticism encourages you to question your instinctive associations and feelings;

praise is good, criticism is bad. If we recondition ourselves to see things in less black and

white terms, there’s no stop to how far we can go!

C IMPROVED RELATIONSHIPS

11. Criticism presents an opportunity to choose peace over conflict. When criticized. Our

instinct may be to fight, creating unnecessary drama. The people around us generally want to

help us, not judge us.

12. Fielding criticism well helps you mitigate the need to be right. Nothing closes an open

mind like ego—bad for your personal growth and damaging for relationships.

13. Your critics give you an opportunity to challenge any people-pleasing tendencies.

Relationships based on a constant need for approval can be draining for everyone involved.

It’s liberating to let people think whatever they want—they’re going to do it anyway.

14. Criticism gives you the chance to teach people how to treat you. If someone delivers it

poorly, you can take this opportunity to tell them, “I think you make some valid points, but I

would receive them better if you didn’t raise your voice.”

15. Certain pieces of criticism teach you not to sweat the small stuff. In the grand scheme

of things, it doesn’t matter that your boyfriend thinks you load the dishwasher “wrong.”

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D TIME EFFICIENCY

16. The more time you spend dwelling about what someone said, the less time you have

to do something with it.

17. If you improve how you operate after receiving criticism, this will save time and

energy in the future. When you think about from that perspective—criticism as a time

saver—it’s hard not to appreciate it!

18. Fostering the ability to let go of your feelings and thoughts about being critiqued can

help you let go in other areas of your life. Letting go of worries, regrets, stresses, fears, and

even positive feelings helps you root yourself in the present moment. Mindfulness is always

the most efficient use of time.

19. Criticism reinforces the power of personal space. Taking ten minutes to process your

emotions, perhaps by writing in a journal, will ensure you respond well. And responding well

the first time prevents one critical comment from dominating your day.

20. In some cases, criticism teaches you how to interact with a person, if they’re negative

or hostile, for example. Knowing this can save you a lot of time and stress in the future.

E SELF-CONFIDENCE

21. Learning to receive false criticism—feedback that has no constructive value—

without losing your confidence is a must if you want to do big things in life. The more

attention your work receives, the more criticism you’ll have to field.

22. When someone criticizes you, it shines a light on your own insecurities. If you

secretly agree that you’re lazy, you should get to the root of that.

Why do you believe that, and what can you do about it?

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23. Learning to move forward after criticism, even if you don’t feel incredibly confident,

ensures no isolated comment prevents you from seizing your dreams. Think of it as

separating the wheat from the chaff; takes what’s useful, leave the rest, and keep going!

24. When someone else appraises your harshly, you have an opportunity to monitor

your internal self-talk. Research indicates up to 80 percent of our thoughts are negative.

Take this opportunity to monitor and change your thought processes so you don’t drain and

sabotage yourself!

25. Receiving feedback well reminds you its okay to have flaws—imperfection is part of

being human. If you can admit weakness and work on them without getting down on yourself,

you’ll experience far more happiness, peace, enjoyment, and success.

We are all perfectly imperfect, and other people may notice that from time to time. We may

even notice in it each other.

Somehow accepting that is a huge weight off my mind.

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