https://www.verywellfamily.

com/how-parents-can-respond-to-a-whiny-baby-or-toddler-290425

Parents can quickly grow frustrated when faced with a whiny baby or toddler. They're often
clueless about how to respond to whining, much less get a child to stop. In fact, whining can
seem near-constant with toddlers who are still developing verbal skills. 

This is one of those stages that can be very challenging for a parent or caregiver. Your child
isn't talking yet, so it's even harder than ever to figure out what all the fuss is about. As
frustrating as it is for you, though, it's even more frustrating for your toddler. Part of dealing
with the whining issue involves patience. The other part involves helping your child learn to
communicate and removing triggers that lead to whining.

Managing the Unexpected 

When all is right with the world and things are unfolding as your toddler expects them to, he's
a happy camper. When things are new and unexpected or aren't working out as he thinks they
should, then watch out.

For example, if your child is playing and trying to get the ladder to go back on his firetruck,
his mind has an expectation of how that should work out. When he actually performs that
action and it doesn't go as expected, he's going to experience frustration. He may throw
a temper tantrum, whine, or throw the toy in anger. At this age, there are many things that will
not match the model your child has in his head, and so there's a lot of confusion and
frustration on a daily basis.

Eliminate Frustration When You Can

How many times is it going to take before he finally gets that firetruck ladder to reconnect as
it should? A better question might be: How much more whining over this firetruck can you
take? There's also a fine line here between healthy frustration that leads to learning, and
frustration overload that leads to both you and your child being agitated all the time.

If you've noticed that your child is using toys in new ways and those ways all seem to make
him whiny and angry, then it's time to take some of those toys and put them away until his
motor skills catch up. Maybe your toddler used to just mouth his blocks and scoop them
around aimlessly. Now he's trying to build with them, but can't do it without going into a full-
on whine session. Try putting the blocks away for a few weeks and offer toys that are similar
but match that particular skill level more closely. Nesting cups, the big plastic pop beads or
other toys that stack still offer fine motor practice with less frustration and will lay the
groundwork for the more difficult blocks.

Another option is to offer the blocks or other offending toys less often and only at times when
your child is functioning at his best. It's likely that there are lots of new skills and experiences
that are adding to his confusion and frustration right now. You may notice, too, that he's
especially whiny when he's hungry or tired. So, choose to play with those toys when he's
happy, fed and refreshed from a nap or a good night of sleep. When the whining starts, gently
transition him to an activity that's calming like reading a story together or playing outside.

When You Can't Eliminate Frustration, Console and Empathize

Sometimes, the object of agitation is something that is outside your control. If your toddler
doesn't want to get into his car seat, for example, there's not much you can or should do about
that. You can empathize and console, however, even as he whines. Let him know his feelings
are valid: "I know you don't like being in the car seat right now." And share in his misery: "I
don't want to be in the car right now either."

There are also going to be times when you don't want to eliminate the frustration because it
relates to your child adjusting to the realities of life. He can't always get what he wants, after
all. So long as his needs are met, you don't need to bend over backward to make everything a
smooth, frustration-free experience for him. If he doesn't want apples for breakfast one day
but ate them fine just yesterday, don't feel like you need to give in to the whining and offer
him a variety of fruit until he finally accepts one. But you can still show sympathy and help
your child learn to appropriately express how he feels about challenges.

Give Your Toddler Plenty of Language Examples  

Another cause of whining is your toddler's lack of effective communication. Again, he

probably has an idea of what he wants but has no good way to tell you or show you. Up until
this point in his life, he's communicated his every need to you by crying and that's what
worked. Now he's moving away from crying. Whining is the step between crying and
language. He is on the cusp of communication and as you can imagine, that is also frustrating.

You can help shorten periods of whining by giving your toddler plenty of opportunities for
language to develop. Talk to him often and make sure you're also allowing moments for him
to respond. 

Model Other Ways to Communicate

Words aren't the only way we communicate. Try pairing words with gestures for him so he'll
whine less. Use the sign for cup or toy or make up your own sign and use it repeatedly with
the word when you say it. He might pick the sign up a little faster than the word and bring you
some relief.

Nod or shake your head very obviously for him to indicate what he might want. "Do you want
the truck?" If he gives you an angry whine, shake your head no while saying, "No truck." If he
responds affirmatively, nod your head yes and say, "Yes, truck." You can also teach him to
clap to say yes. 

If your child already knows yes and no, that makes communication easier. You just need to
phrase your questions appropriately to figure out what he wants so you can get yes or no
answers from him. Also, pretty soon you'll be able to say, "Tell me 'yes' or 'no.'" You'll also
be able to instruct him to communicate with words rather than whining, once his verbal skills
grow. 

Make Sure You Don't Reinforce the Whining

Your baby is now a toddler. This is the trial-and-error period, so toddlers try things many
different ways and the things that work tend to stick with them. If you consistently give in to
whining when your child is using it to get what he wants from you, it works. You're sure to
get more whining. It's a tough spot to be in because you don't want to ignore his needs, but
you also don't want whining to become his primary way of getting needs met. Keep working
to give him appropriate communication skills. Offer toys that are at his developmental level
and ease frustration when possible. Watch your own reactions, too, and make sure that you're
not just caving in because the whining is getting to you.

Whining in Older Children

When an older child with more developed language skills engages in whining, it should be
treated more like a behavior problem and remedied with discipline techniques like ignoring
and time out. Keep modeling appropriate ways to express displeasure with difficult situations
and help him work through his feelings, but don't accept whining as the default way to
communicate when things aren't going his way.
 https://www.zerotothree.org/resources/2251-how-to-cope-and-help-when-your-child-whines

Why do children whine?

 It’s the best they can do in the moment. Young children are not yet able to self-
regulate very well (or calm their feelings and bodies so they can respond to stressors in
appropriate ways). Sometimes whining signals when a child is beginning to lose control and
needs an adult to help her calm down. What to do? Cuddle your child and offer gentle
comfort to help her begin to regulate.
 Toddlers don’t have the words they need. Young children often lack the words to
communicate their feelings and needs (I’m sad about sharing or I’m too warm in this
sweater!). Whining is sometimes a child’s best effort at communication. What to do? Take a
moment to be a detective—what might the whining mean? Look for the child’s need and try
to meet it. Then model what he can say to have his needs met in more acceptable ways.
 They are overwhelmed or run down. Children often whine when their emotional
gas tank is on empty. Think about the last time your child ate or slept (and offer one or both).
Did she have a tough day? Has she been dealing with a lot of changes lately? What to
do: Offer soothing. A child who is overwhelmed needs compassion and a parent’s help to
feel calm again.
Whining can get us charged up. It always helps if we calm ourselves before responding. Take
a deep breath and then act. If whining is at an all-time high (when your child is between 2
and 4 years old), you may need some additional strategies:
 Name your child’s feelings. People can’t be talked out of what they feel. It works
much better to recognize their experience. By naming how children are feeling, we let them
know we see and understand. (This is true even when his upset seems silly to us—like having
to wear his panda shirt instead of his striped shirt.) A parent might say, “You are feeling sad.
You wanted your striped shirt today, and it’s dirty. That’s hard.”
 Get closer and offer comfort. Children need to feel close and connected to their
parents and caregivers to function well. Often, getting closer to a whining child can calm
her. This doesn’t mean that you are “giving in.” It means you are a great parent who is giving
your child what she needs: “Your voice tells me you might need a snuggle.”
 Try a silly game, a distraction, or a choice. Use a funny voice, pretend to be a
rabbit, or do some silly fake sneezes. Distract a child by pointing to the garbage truck
outside. Or offer a choice: “No cookies, but would you like cheese or a banana?” These little
tricks can sometimes shift a child’s mood.
 Change the story you’re telling yourself. So often we hear whining and judge our
child’s behavior (as spoiled or demanding). But the way we see a behavior shapes how we
respond to it. The truth is that whining is completely normal for toddlers. Knowing this
behavior is normal, we can respond from a place of compassion instead of from a place of
anger and frustration.
And one important strategy to use when your child isn’t whining: Pay attention to the
times when your child is able to express a need without whining: “You were hungry and
asked for a snack in a calm and kind voice—thank you!” or even someday: “Thanks for
keeping your cool when I said ‘no.’”
https://www.askdrsears.com/topics/parenting/discipline-behavior/bothersome-behaviors/whining

 Note what circumstances bring on the whine and keep ahead of your child. If
your child whines every time you get on the phone, busy her before you make
the call. If whining occurs when a child is tired or bored, correcting the
circumstances will correct the whine. Oftentimes responding promptly to your
child wards off a whine so that the child does not have to resort to an irritating
voice to get through to you.
 Don’t allow the whine to escalate. At the first syllable, if you suspect the
whining tone of voice is coming say, “Stop! I don’t listen to your nagging
voice,” and walk away. Then turn around, look at your child, and say, “But I
listen to your nice voice.”
 Try “This is not the whining room. If you want to whine, go to another room.”
 Squelch whining at the first whimper, and redirect the child’s voice to a more
pleasant ring. Otherwise, you run the risk of letting the whine wear you down
until you surrender — a concession that only prolongs the whining stage.
Once the child realizes the whine will get her nowhere, it will stop. You may
actually wind up giving the child what she wanted once her nice voice comes
back and she can tell you her wish calmly and politely.
 Another way to win over a whiner is to change the subject. Keep on talking
and distract the whining child into other interests, “Oh, look at this pretty
flower. Let’s see what it smells like.” You’re letting the child know that whining
doesn’t bother you.

If whining persists, replay for your child how unpleasant it sounds, being careful not
to mock. Don’t do this when you are both emotional. Do it at a calm time. Whine
back: “Which do you like, Mommy’s sour voice (‘I don’t wanna make supper’) or
Mommy’s sweet voice (‘Gosh, I’m tired. I could use some help’)?” Once your child
learns that whining doesn’t work (and her language skills improve), whining will be a
sound of the past.
https://www.healthychildren.org/English/family-life/family-dynamics/communication-
discipline/pages/Temper-Tantrums.aspx

Top Tips for Surviving Tantrums

Tantrums are a normal part of development. They happen most between ages 1 and 3 years,
but as so many of us know, some kids are huge tantrum throwers, and some are not. Many
children have more tantrums prior to and around the time of language development. Before
kids are fully verbal, they’re frustrated, and in that sense of frustration or hunger or
dissatisfaction, tantrums can be an easy way for kids to try to get what they need.

When You Can’t Ignore Your Child’s Tantrum

Sometimes it’s really hard for us to stop tantrums. There are a couple of times when you can’t
ignore your child in a tantrum.

 If your child is physically at risk of running into the street or in danger, grab him tightly
and hold him or make it very clear to him.
 If your child is hitting or biting, stop it immediately and make sure that you let him
know that it’s absolutely not acceptable by moving his body out of a situation or taking
away a privilege.
The Light at the End of the Tunnel
Know this: Tantrums do tend to get better after the age of 3. Although they don’t go away
entirely. Your child will do tantrums to get things that she needs normally and naturally
between the ages of 1 and 3 years. Talk with your pediatrician if you’re concerned about some
of those behaviors. Do your best to remain calm. Use your friends and family around you to
help understand how to stand back and wait for tantrums to dissolve on their own so you can
come back to your child with great comfort. 

Eight Tips to Surviving a Tantrum

You can’t avoid every tantrum, but here are some ideas to help you survive them more
gracefully.

1. Give your child enough attention and “catch her being good.” Provide specific
praise in successful moments. However, don’t feel that if one child tantrums more
than another that you aren’t providing enough attention. Personality is infused in
behaviors, including tantrums.
2. During a tantrum, give your child control over little things (offer small, directed
choices with options rather than yes/no questions).
3. Distraction. Move to a new room. Offer a safer toy. However silly, sing a song.
4. Choose your battles and accommodate when you can. Sometimes you have to
give in a little to settle yourself; that’s OK. However, your consistency from day to day
is key in reducing the level and frequency of tantrums. So is time. Although most
tantrums happen in 1- to 3-year-old children, many children continue to throw
tantrums into the school years.
5. Know your child’s limits. Obviously, some days are harder than others. Sometimes
we don’t get to finish the to-do list. 
6. Do not ignore behaviors like hitting, kicking, biting, or throwing. Have a zero-
tolerance policy.
7. Set your child up for success. If tantrums peak when your child is hungry, have
a healthy snack with you when you’re out of the house. If they peak when your child is
fatigued, prioritize sleep/nap time even if you miss things. Sometimes it’s far better on
all of us.
8. Give yourself a break when you need it. Take turns with another parent or friend
when your frustration escalates.
https://www.positiveparentingsolutions.com/parenting/why-do-kids-whine

By AMY MCCREADY 
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Why Do Kids Whine & How To Get Them To Stop

N ails on a chalkboard – that’s what it sounds like to a parent when we hear our kids

whine. So why do kids whine? In most cases, it’s because we let them.
Yes, kids whine sometimes because they’re overtired or hungry. In these cases, it’s best to
comfort your child and tend to her most pressing needs. But otherwise? Walk away.
Why? When kids whine and we respond, we provide a payoff that makes the behavior continue.
Kids whine not to be annoying or intentionally irritate us – they’re often just looking for attention.

All humans are hard-wired with two basic emotional needs – attention and power. When kids
aren’t getting as much positive attention as they need, they will seek it out. And to kids, negative
attention is better than no attention at all. So kids whine repeatedly in the hopes that eventually
they’ll get the positive attention they need. When they don’t get that attention, the whining and
attention-seeking behavior will intensify into behaviors that seek power.
Children only continue behaviors that get results. When kids whine and parents give in, kids
realize that whining gets them what they want – the attention they crave and maybe even that
candy bar in the grocery checkout line. If you don’t address this behavior, it will continue well
into our child’s teenage years.
But giving in to demands – like one more television show or another scoop of ice cream – isn’t
the only way we enable how our kids whine. Just responding, even if it’s to reprimand them, gives
a child payoff. Picking up the child or responding with an annoyed remark (“Enough! Stop
whining!”) still gives the child attention – and now they know they can do this again and again to
get the same result.
So how do we deal with how our kids whine now? The first step is to remove the payoff for
whining. Times of whining, meltdowns and chaos are not places to have a level-headed
conversation. So pick a calm moment when everyone’s relaxed – maybe over lunch or a snack –
to talk about whining. Talk about the difference between a whiny voice and a normal voice, and
how a whiny voice hurts your ears. Let your child know how you feel when he whines and let him
know that you won’t respond when he whines – you’ll just simply walk away. When he uses a
normal voice, you’ll be happy to talk to him.
The next time your kids whine, stay true to your word. Stay calm and walk away – even our
negative non-verbal reaction to whining can be a payoff. When your child uses her normal voice,
be sure to respond right away, calmly and pleasantly. The first few times, the whining may be
more intense, as she tries to see how long it will take for Mom or Dad to give in. But after a few
times of not finding a payoff for whining, she’ll realize she’s more likely to get positive attention
by using her normal voice.
And because whining is an attention-seeking behavior, it can also signal to parents that our child –
whether toddler or teen – is craving more one-on-one time with us. Think of it in a gardening
sense – instead of fertilizing and watering our good plants with positive attention, we’re feeding
the weeds instead with negative attention. And the weeds – the whining – get worse.
The more we can fill our kids’ “attention basket” with positive experiences, the less they will seek
out attention in negative ways. When kids receive the positive attention they need, behaviors like
whining become less common. It’s as simple as spending 10 to 15 minutes twice a day having fun
with your kids individually. Do something they like to do, like reading, coloring or sports. This
investment in one-on-one time will pay big rewards in good behavior.
https://www.healthychildren.org/English/family-life/family-dynamics/communication-
discipline/Pages/How-to-Shape-Manage-Young-Child-Behavior.aspx

How to Shape & Manage Your Young Child’s Behavior

Helping shape your children's behavior is a key part of being a parent. It can be difficult as
well as rewarding. While at times it can be challenging, a few key principles can help.

Modeling Behavior 
Children learn by watching everyone around them, especially their parents. When you use
manners and good coping strategies, you teach your children to do the same.

 Point out sharing among adults. Children often feel that they are the only ones who
have to "use your manners," "share," and "take turns." So when adults share, point it
out to your children. For example:
o "Daddy is sharing his drink with Mommy. Good job sharing, Daddy!"
 Model good ways to calm down. Teach your children how to calm down when they
are upset or frustrated. For example, if you are frustrated about sitting in traffic, you
might say:
o "Mommy is really frustrated right now. Please help me calm down by taking 10
deep breaths with me."
 Teach children to say how they feel. If you are really frustrated, you might want to
say,"You are driving me crazy right now." Instead, try to express your actual
feelings: "Mommy is really frustrated right now." This teaches children to say what
they feel instead of making critical or hurtful statements. Then help your children do
this when they are upset. For example:
o "It looks like you are feeling sad."
If your guess about how they are feeling is not accurate, allow your children to correct you.

Behavior + Attention = More Behavior

If you are like most people, you'll leave your children alone if they are behaving well, but
when your children are misbehaving, you'll direct your attention to them. This tends to
backfire. The attention around the misbehavior actually increases the misbehavior as a way to
get more attention from us!

The best way to improve behavior is to give children a lot of attention when they are doing
something you like and remove your attention when they are doing something you do
not like.

An easy way to increase good behaviors is by describing their behaviors and praising them
when they make a real effort. For example:

 "Good job listening the first time!"

 "Good job using your inside voice."
It can be hard to get in the habit of doing this, but it gets easier and easier as you do it.
The Attention Meter
When children get enough positive attention from you, they don't need to act out to get
attention. Remember to fill your children up with plenty of love and affection throughout the
day, every day. A very easy way to do this is to spend quality time with them. Playing with
your children for just 5 minutes will go a long way, especially right after getting home
from work or after an errand. When playing with your children, let them pick the toy and lead
the play. It's tempting to tell your children what to do or ask a lot of questions, but it is best
not to do that. Try instead to just describe what your children are doing ("You are working so
hard to build a tall tower" or "You are stacking those blocks") and give praise: "Great job
sitting so still while we are playing."

Another way is to give attention to children for good behavior, yet not distract them while
they are behaving, is to gently touch them in a loving way; for example, simply touch their
shoulder or back. It is recommended you give children 50 to 100 brief loving touches every
day.

You can decrease bad behaviors by ignoring them, but this only works if you are giving your
children lots of attention for their good behaviors. The simplest way to do this is through
planned ignoring. Ignoring means not talking to, looking at, or touchingyour children when
they are behaving badly. The key to ignoring is making sure to give your children positive
attention as soon as the bad behavior stops, like saying:

 "You are quiet now; it looks like you are ready to play."
It is important to not ignore unsafe behaviors that need immediate attention from you.
https://www.parents.com/toddlers-preschoolers/development/behavioral/how-to-stop-your-childs-
whining

Almost from the time my daughter, Elizabeth, could speak in sentences, she whined
when she didn't get what she wanted: my attention, a snack, a repair job on a faulty
toy. When she turned 3--and suddenly seemed like such a "big girl"-- her continued
whining started to drive me crazy. I'd mutter angrily under my breath, clench my
teeth, even whine back. Once I lost control and screamed "Shut up!" so vehemently
that she burst into tears. But more often than not, I'd let her have her way just to
make the shrill sound stop.

Like nails on a chalkboard, whining--an irritating blend of talking and crying--has the
ability to make almost any parent get angry or give in. And preschoolers are pretty
smart: They know that pleading in that pitch has a strong effect on their parents.

A whiny child, however, isn't deliberately annoying or spoiled. Whining is often the
only way that young kids can express themselves when they're tired, cranky, hungry,
uncomfortable, or just don't want to do something. Although 3- and 4-year-olds'
language skills are rapidly improving, they still don't have the vocabulary to describe
all of these feelings, explains Michele Borba, Ed.D., author of Parents Do Make a
Difference (Jossey Bass, 1999).

Discipline Can Backfire

Even when your child is able to articulate that she is hungry for lunch or hates sitting
in her car seat, for example, she may still whine because she's learned from
experience that you'll pay attention. "For 3- and 4-year-olds who are testing the limits
of their independence, whining makes them feel very powerful," says psychologist
Carolyn Crowder, Ph.D., coauthor of Whining: 3 Steps to Stopping It Before the
Tears and Tantrums Start (Fireside Paperbacks, 2000).

"If you can't stand whining, your child will do it even more, simply because it gets a
reaction," agrees Jane Nelsen, Ed.D., coauthor of Positive Discipline for
Preschoolers(Prima Publishing, 1998). Even scolding your child can reinforce the
behavior. "Kids just want a response. When they don't know how to get a positive
response, they'll go for a negative one," Nelsen explains. And needless to say, giving
in ("Okay, you can have one piece of candy, but promise you'll eat your lunch?")
doesn't work either. You'll get a respite from the whining, but you're still perpetuating
the problem.

Fortunately, you can break this pattern -- in a way that encourages your child's
development rather than punishes her. "When you stop getting frustrated by the
whining, your child will stop too," insists Nelsen. At first, this laissez-faire approach
seemed completely unrealistic to me. But because my daughter was a whine
connoisseur, I decided to try it.

It wasn't easy -- often I was tempted to yell or just give her what she wanted--but I
was determined to be firm and consistent. "You have to exercise a lot of self-control,"
acknowledges Dr. Crowder. To my amazement, within a few weeks, Elizabeth had
gotten into the habit of asking nicely instead of nagging. Here's what you do.

4 Ways to Break the Habit

1. Refuse to let it bother you. Pick a quiet time and tell your child that there's a new
rule: If he whines, you won't respond. "From then on, whenever he whines, keep your
facial expression absolutely neutral," Borba says. Calmly tell your child that you can't
understand what he wants when he whines and that you'll listen when he talks in a
nicer voice. You might also ask him to choose a signal for you to use as a warning
sign when you're about to stop listening, such as pulling on your ear, suggests
Nelsen.

2. Make sure your child knows what "asking nicely" means. She may not even
realize she's whining--or she may not truly understand what the word means. The
best way to explain it is to tape-record both her whiny and pleasant voices and then
play them back for her. (Make it clear that you're using the tape to help her learn, not
to make her feel bad.) You may also have to teach her the specific words to use
when she wants to tell you that she's tired, hungry, bored, or frustrated. "Kids really
want to do what's right," Borba says. "But too often, we mistakenly assume that they
know what's right. When you show them, they have a model to copy."

3. Give praise where praise is due. "Parents always point out, 'That's not a nice
voice' but often don't provide enough positive reinforcement," says Borba. You might
say, "Thanks for using your normal voice" or "My ears love that voice." This worked
wonders for my daughter. Whenever she asked for something politely, I
acknowledged it and thanked her. At first, I felt awkward being so effusive, but her
whining decreased dramatically.

4. Hang in there. "Many parents say, 'I tried it yesterday and it didn't help,' " Borba
says. "But think of changing one of your own habits: It won't happen overnight." I
noticed a change in Elizabeth within a month. Some kids may take more time, others
less.

Unfortunately, if you don't help your child practice effective methods of

communication, the whining may get worse and affect his future friendships. "Nobody
likes to be around a whiny kid," says Borba. "Keep in mind that your goal is to help
your child be the best he can be--and the time that it takes will be well worth it."
https://www.healthychildren.org/English/family-life/family-dynamics/communication-
discipline/Pages/Evaluating-Behavioral-Problems.aspx

Evaluating Behavioral Problems

Parents often have difficulty telling the difference between variations in normal behavior and
true behavioral problems. In reality, the difference between normal and abnormal behavior is
not always clear; usually it is a matter of degree or expectation. A fine line often divides
normal from abnormal behavior, in part because what is "normal" depends upon the child's
level of development, which can vary greatly among children of the same age. Development
can be uneven, too, with a child's social development lagging behind his intellectual growth,
or vice versa. In addition, "normal" behavior is in part determined by the context in which it
occurs—that is, by the particular situation and time, as well as by the child's own particular
family values and expectations, and cultural and social background.

Understanding your child's unique developmental progress is necessary in order to interpret,

accept, or adapt his behavior (as well as your own). Remember, children have great individual
variations of temperament, development, and behavior.

Your own parental responses are guided by whether you see the behavior as a problem.
Frequently, parents overinterpret or overreact to a minor, normal, short-term change in
behavior. At the other extreme, they may ignore or downplay a serious problem. They also
may seek quick, simple answers to what are, in fact, complex problems. All of these responses
may create difficulties or prolong the time for a resolution.

Behavior that parents tolerate, disregard, or consider reasonable differs from one family to the
next. Some of these differences come from the parents' own upbringing; they may have had
very strict or very permissive parents themselves, and their expectations of their children
follow accordingly. Other behavior is considered a problem when parents feel that people are
judging them for their child's behavior; this leads to an inconsistent response from the parents,
who may tolerate behavior at home that they are embarrassed by in public.

The parents' own temperament, usual mood, and daily pressures will also influence how they
interpret the child's behavior. Easygoing parents may accept a wider range of behavior as
normal and be slower to label something a problem, while parents who are by nature more
stern move more quickly to discipline their children. Depressed parents, or parents having
marital or financial difficulties, are less likely to tolerate much latitude in their offspring's
behavior. Parents usually differ from one another in their own backgrounds and personal
preferences, resulting in differing parenting styles that will influence a child's behavior and
development.

When children's behavior is complex and challenging, some parents find reasons not to
respond. For instance, parents often rationalize ("It's not my fault"), despair ("Why me?"),
wish it would go away ("Kids outgrow these problems anyway"), deny ("There's really no
problem"), hesitate to take action ("It may hurt his feelings"), avoid ("I didn't want to face his
anger"), or fear rejection ("He won't love me").
If you are worried about your child's behavior or development, or if you are uncertain as to
how one affects the other, consult your pediatrician as early as possible, even if just to be
reassured that your child's behavior and development are within a normal range.
https://www.babycenter.com/0_whining-why-it-happens-and-what-to-do-about-it_65475.bc

Whining: Why it happens and what to do about it

Your preschooler relies on adults for almost everything – food, drink, love, you name it.
He has to get an adult's attention to obtain the things he needs, and that can be a
challenge. Whining is the sound of a child who feels powerless and is pitching his
request in higher and higher tones so someone will pay attention to him.

"Children do what works, and a whiner is looking for a response – any response," says
Jane Nelsen, coauthor of Positive Discipline for Preschoolers. So if a positive response
isn't forthcoming, a negative one will do just fine.

That's why it's so important to help your preschooler learn to express himself in an
acceptable matter. After all, the more results he gets from whining, the more likely he is
to perceive it as an effective way to communicate.

What to do about whining

Define it. Make sure your preschooler knows what you're talking about: Adults often
assume that children know what whining is and realize how awful it sounds, but that's not
necessarily the case.

Point out whining when you hear it and ask your child to use her regular voice instead. If
she has trouble hearing the difference, let her know how it sounds (without making fun of
her). Use dolls to demonstrate or role-play an exchange between a whiny child and her
exasperated parent.

Some experts suggest recording your child, both in mid-whine and during normal
conversation. When the two of you are in a good mood, play it back and talk about what
you hear.

Explain that whining sounds annoying and makes people stop listening. Practice using
regular and unacceptable voices together – hearing you at your whiniest will probably
elicit a good laugh from your preschooler.
Acknowledge your child's need for attention. Preschoolers sometimes resort to
whining when they've tried and failed to get their parent's ear.

That's why it often comes up when you're trying to talk with a friend, balance your
checkbook, or follow a complicated recipe. In short, any time you're focusing on
something else and your preschooler needs (or thinks he needs) your help is prime time
for whining.

Whenever your child asks for something in a pleasant way, try to respond immediately.
Of course, you don't want to encourage your preschooler to "need" you every time you
strike up a conversation with someone, so say something like: "If you need to tell me
something very important, you may politely interrupt me without whining."

If you can't do what he wants right then, take a second to acknowledge his request and
give him a ballpark estimate of when you'll be able to help him. ("Honey, I know you need
help with your puzzle. Hang on for two minutes and then I can sit down with you.") Then
do your best to follow through when you said you would.

Make sure the wait is realistic: You can expect your preschooler to be patient for as
many minutes as he is old (three minutes if he's 3 years old, for example). Don't just say
"later," which is vague – and meaningless to an impatient preschooler.

You can also set a timer and tell him you'll be able to give him your full attention after
hears the "ding." And remember to praise him when he manages to wait patiently.

Show her a better way to address the problem. Sometimes kids whine because they
can't express their feelings, so help your preschooler identify her emotions.

For instance, you might say, "I can see that you're upset. Is it because I can't take you to
the park right now?" This will get a conversation going.

Whether or not her demand is reasonable, it's important to let your preschooler know
when her way of asking just won't cut it. Say something like, "I can't understand you
when you talk like that. Please use your normal voice and I'll be happy to listen to what
you're saying." Keep your tone and facial expression neutral – getting upset will only feed
the fire.
Some preschoolers respond better to visual cues. Try holding your hands over your ears
and wincing in mock pain to signal that you hear whining.

Avoid triggers. Kids often get cranky and whiny when they're hungry or tired. Taking a
hungry preschooler grocery shopping before dinner and expecting him to understand that
cookies will spoil his appetite is like putting a new toy on the table and telling him he can't
play with it until his birthday. Feed him before you go, or pack some healthy snacks he
can eat on the way or in the store.

Likewise, life will be easier for both of you if you can avoid dragging him on errands – or
even on fun outings, for that matter – at the end of a long day.

Respond consistently. Don't put your foot down one minute and give in to whining the
next. Say or do the same thing every time, and don't give in. "Picture yourself as a Las
Vegas slot machine," says veteran mom Lisa Levi. "Your child pulls the lever and pulls
the lever again. One win – even after 12 losses – will show her that a slot machine is a
good bet for making money, and that's not what you want her to learn."

As important as responding consistently to a whine is acknowledging a switch in tone:

When your child does use her normal voice, respond immediately so she learns that this
is what works. Don't feel obligated to give her what she wants just because he asks
without whining, but be empathetic and appreciative of the request. "Thanks for asking
so nicely to play longer, but it's still time for bed."

Stay connected. You want your child to know he can have your attention without
whining for it. Be sure to carve out regular time to read a story together, play a game, or
just talk.

And thank him when he remembers to ask nicely. When he sees that other methods of
voicing his needs get better results – and that whining doesn't – the whines will taper off.

Don't react when whining goes into overdrive. Keep your cool no matter what. Don't
blow up or give in –even if it gets you immediate relief from that annoying whine, you'll
pay in the long run by hearing more of it. And the last thing you want your preschooler to
learn is that whining is a good way to get what she wants.