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The Ultimate Rocky Horror Picture 

Show Audience Participation Script 
 


PLEASE READ the instructions before y
ou add your lines to the script. Thanks!

So the whole idea here is to create a callback script with more up-to-date lines. Ideally, it'll be a living
document; an ongoing project that can be worked on and changed as new callbacks are created. It’s not that we
can’t or shouldn’t add classic stuff (“asshole”, “slut”), but ideally the focus ought to be on adding things that
reference current pop culture whenever possible. But again, if there are some classic lines that need to be in there,
feel free to add them; no sense in reinventing the wheel. Also, please don’t erase any other authors contributions.
If you have a good line for the same spot in the script, there is room for that in addition the line already there, as
you’ll see below. If you think a line should be replaced, post a comment here and try to get a general consensus.
Otherwise, there are no real rules. This is a public document and anyone can edit it, so have fun! Don’t dream it,
be it. Etc.

Instructions:
When adding your audience participation / callback lines, please use the following format. Put the callback line
in bolded [brackets] to indicate a line spoken in between the lines of the script. Use bolded [brackets>] w ith an
arrow “> ” to indicate the start callback that speaks over or “echoes” l ines of the script. End the selection by using
bolded [<] . If an action is associated with a callback, put the action in between bolded *asterisks* on either side
of the action . See the examples below for each method.

EXAMPLE #1 - a callback line that’s in between lines the characters say in the script:

Columbia: He's O.K.

Frank: O.K.? O.K.?!? [What did you think of the Rocky Horror Glee Show?] I think we can do better than
that.

EXAMPLE #2 - a callback that is meant to be spoken over the line in the script:

Frank: A toast [To Steve Irwin, who died as he lived, with animals in his heart.>] t o absent friends.[<]

There may be times where we have two really good callbacks that should be included. In such cases, simply add
“OR” at the end of the irst callback, as such:

Frank: [Describe Justin Bieber. OR Describe that vampire guy from Twilight.] A
weakling weighing
ninety-eight pounds
EXAMPLE #3 - a callback with an action :

But When Worlds Collide, [Boom! *clap hands*]

Said George Powell to his bride,

--
Hopefully that should be enough to get us started. If we need to adjust the format so it makes more sense, post a
message here or go to the website listed at the top. And now, let there be lips !
[Start the fucking movie!!]
[Forget the movie, start the fucking!!]
------------------------

SCIENCE FICTION/DOUBLE FEATURE

[(Once upon a time) or (A long, long, time ago), in a galaxy far, far away, god said “Let there be lips!” and
there were lips and (they were good lips, they were my lips, sing it lips!) or (they sang a little song that
went something like this) or (they gave good head) (, sing to us, o mighty lips!)]
Usherette: [Michael Jackson got sick from suckin’ that little boy’s dick>] Michael Rennie was ill
The Day the Earth Stood Still[<] [it moved]
But he told us where we stand.[on our feet OR on your knees]
And Flash Gordon was there
In silver [cum-stained OR crotchless OR edible OR invisible] underwear,
Claude Rains was the Invisible Man. [Where? I can’t see him! OR He never showed up! OR How do
you know? Because I fucked him! OR Who’s Claude Rains?]
Then something went wrong
For Fay Wray [fucked>] and [<] King Kong
They got caught in a [sexual >] celluloid[<] jam. [With penis butter! OR Sixty-nine! OR Fuck you,
Smuckers!]
Then at a deadly pace
It Came [From where OR On where?] [on it’s face OR Janet’s face>] from Outer Space.[<] [Thank
You!]
And this is how [My semen ran>] the message ran[<]: [ Lips freeze. OR Freeze those lips!]

Chorus: Science iction, [Oooooo ooo] double feature

Doctor X [Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex!] will build a creature. [(regarding credit)Janet’s got the heroine!]
See androids ighting [And fucking, and sucking on. OR And Frankie, seducing] [(regarding
credit)Richard Obrien>] Brad and Janet [<][(regarding credit) Sues to blame! She made the costumes!]
Anne Francis stars in [Deep throat, the sequel to] Forbidden Planet [(regarding credit) “Whys Ian
Fuller?” “Cause his boyfriends bigger!”]
[Janet’s a Hoe-Oh-Oh-Oh>] Wo Oh Oh Oh Oh [<][*point at credit* “Point at Richard Pointing!” OR
“Richard’s pointing at Gillian’s Dodds!”]
At the late night [Early morning] , double feature, [Rocky Horror OR fuck your preacher] picture show.
[“Why’s Sue so fucking Merry?” “Because shes on top of Celestia!” OR “If Celestia is such a Fox, why does
it say uck!?” OR “Charles Gray, he’s okay, he can’t help it if he’s gay!” OR “Charles Gray, he’s okay it’s okay
that he is.. dead]

Usherette: [Do you know any pedophiles?] I knew Leo G. Carroll

 Was [Fucking OR ‘Buttfucking Jack Sparrow’>] over[<] a barrel[‘<’]
When Tarantula took [LSD >] t o the hills[<] . [Lick those lips! OR How do you get the cum off your
lips? Lick it bitch!]
And I really got hot
When I saw [Janet’s twat>] Janette Scott[<]
Fight a [Penis that spits semen>] trif id that spits poison[<] and kills. [What the fuck is a
trif id?][(answer to previous AP line) it’s something that spits poison and kills] or (it’s a bitch eating
tree you’ll see it later in the movie)
Dana Andrews said [Tits>] Prunes[<]
Gave him the [Shits>] runes[<]
And passing them used [Exlax>] lots of [<][pills>] skills.[<] [Yay skils! OR Yay pills! Sexual skills!]
But When Worlds [They go BOOM! *Clap Hands*] Collide,
Said George Pal to his bride,
"I'm gonna give you some [Birth Control Pills>] [Sexual>] terrible[<] thrills[<] ,"
Like a...[DENTAL X-RAY! OR BLOWJOB]

Chorus: Science iction, double feature

Doctor X [Sex, sex, sex, sex!] w
ill build a creature [Rrrrrrocky HORROR] .
See androids ighting [And fucking, and sucking on. OR And Frankie, seducing] Brad and Janet
Anne Francis stars in [Deep throat, the sequel to] Forbidden Planet
[Janet’s a Hoe-Oh-Oh-Oh>] Wo Oh Oh Oh Oh [<]
At the late night, [Early Morning] d ouble feature, [Rocky Horror] p
icture show.

I wanna go[I wanna come]

Oh Oh Oh
To the late night [early morning] double feature [ Rocky Horror /fuck your preacher] picture show,
By RKO, [RK who?] [RK us!!!!]
Oh Oh Oh
To the late night [early morning] double feature [Rocky Horror OR fuck your preacher] p icture
show,
[“Where’s the best place to fuck?”] In the back row, [(In the back row): FUCK THE FRONT ROW]
[(In the front row):FUCK THE BACK ROW]
[(In the back row): We fucked you irst OR (In the middle) ORGY IN THE
MIDDLE!]
[OR Back row sucks! Front row swallows! Sit in the middle and get the best of
both worlds!)
[OR fuck the back row, u fuck the back row, gang bang the back row!] [OR fuck the back row. you fuck
the back row I’ll fuck the back row we’ll all fuck the back row. gang bang the back row] [OR *back and
forth from front then back row* Fuck you back row! Fuck you front row! We fucked you irst! We fucked
you last! We gave you AIDS! We got you pregnant! We aborted it!] [OR Fuck the back row, fuck the front
row, fuck all the rows! Fuck me, please!]
Oh Oh Oh
To the late night [early morning] , double feature [fuck your preacher OR Rocky Horror] , picture
show! [Never trust a smiling cross!]
[when cross appears[Symbolism, Symbolism, Crucify OR These lips died for your sins! OR Crucify
the lips! Crucify the lips! Crucify the lips!] [*As the camera pans down, push your hands upward on the
screen as if you are moving the picture yourself*]

+Dentonian: Here they come! [And there they go!]

Photographer: Let's get a picture. Close together now.[Who do you like to have sex with?] The folks and then
the grandparents. Yes, all the close family. [They keep it in the family!][Hey fat girl, you dropped
something!] Ahhh, hold that. [Make sure the mistress is in the picture. There she is!]
Beautiful. And... smile! [Cheese!] [Ejaculations!>] Congratulations![<]
[*After picture is taken* Hahaha! We have your souls!]
Ralph: I guess we inally did it, huh. [“Hit the man who gave you AIDS!” “Hit him back!” OR “Asshole ight!”
OR That’s rock em’ sock em’ assholes]

Brad: I don't think there's any doubt about that. You and Betty have been
almost inseparable since you [<fucked] met[>] in Dr. Scott's refresher courses. [They used super glue
instead of KY!]

Ralph: Well to tell you the truth, Brad, that's the only reason I showed
up in the irst place. [Liar!]

Betty: O.K. you guys, this is it.

Ralph: Well Betty's going to throw the bouquet.

Janet: [Whose got the clap? *clap* Whose got the clap? *clap*] I got it! I got it! [She always gets
it! OR And now we all have it! OR now everyone’s gonna get it]

Ralph: Hey big fella, [How do you know?] l ooks like it could be your turn next, eh?

Brad: Who knows. [Who cares? OR The Shadow knows!]

Ralph: Well, so long, see you Brad. [See ya sucker!] G uess we better get going now Betty.
Come on, hop in. See ya, Brad!
[ (as brad adjusts his glasses) Adjust the glasses... Adjust the chin] or [Does she know I’m superman?]
[Brad! Brad! Get that smurf on the car Brad! (Brad hits the car) Haha! Humans one, smurfs zero.]


[(during cheering) And the moral of today’s story is!]

[(after cut to old couple) Shit! Missed the bus! OR Haha, old people can’t run!]

Janet: Oh Brad, wasn't it wonderful? [No!] Didn't Betty look radiantly

beautiful? [HELL No!] I can't believe it. An hour ago she was just [Playing with herself> ]plain old
[Betty the Ho.>] Betty Munroe [<][<][She’s still plain!] and now... now she's Mrs. Ralph Hapschatt.
[Horse shit! OR Hapshit][Hapshit, will travel!][I’d rather be the ho]

Brad: [Brad, has Ralph seen you naked?] Yes Janet, Ralph's a lucky guy. [Lucky hell, Betty has herpes!]

Janet: Yes.
Dentonian: I always cry at weddings. [And laugh at funerals, and yell at movies OR And laugh at funerals,
when’s yours, bitch!?]

[Show me an angel masturbating! - Thank you! Must be Saint Peter.]

Brad: Uh, everyone knows that Betty is a wonderful little cook.[And a great fuck. OR And a slut, that’s how
she got herpes.] OR [So’s Betty Crocker but you wouldn’t wanna fuck her]

Janet: Yes.

[God, give me a sign! “Why’s there a cemetery in front of a billboard?” “It was a grave mistake!” OR
“Denton Denton rah rah rah, Denton, Denton, eat me raw, yeah Denton!” OR “Who the hell put a
billboard inside of my cemetery? Well, who the hell built a cemetery around my billboard?” OR Denton,
Denton you’ve got *clap* no prete-- shit, wrong movie!]

Brad: Why Ralph himself, he'll be in line for a promotion in a year or

two. [He’ll get a raise tonight! OR If he doesn’t get busted.]

Janet: Yes.

Brad: Hey Janet.

Janet: Yes Brad?

Brad: I've got something to say. [Sing it, asshole. It’s a musical! OR “I killed your baby today!”]

Janet: Uh huh.

Brad: I really love the... [Starts with a S, try skillful.][OR Starts with a s ends in killful][OR Sexual,
syphilitic, slutty, Susan Sarandon...][Dirty, nasty, disgusting, sticky, whorish.... (or any other disgusting
adjectives)] skillful way... [What a fucking genius!][OR you give head.] y ou beat the other girls... [With
whips and chains!] to the bride's bouquet. [Meh, that too.]

Janet: [Eat your veggies, bitch! OR Orgasm and eat the lowers.] Oh Brad.

DAMMIT JANET

Brad: [Describe Janet’s irst period!] [Her pussy was deep but I swam it>] The river was deep but I swam
it.[<] (Janet) [Stop following me!]
The future is ours so let's plan it. (Janet) [Stop following me!]
So please, don't tell me to can it. (Janet) [Stop following me!]
I've one thing to say and that's [Fuck off, bitch, I wanna screw >] Dammit, Janet I love you.[<]
[PSYCHE!]
The road was long but I ran it.[Backwards>] (Janet)[<]
There's a ire in my [Pants>] heart[<] and you fan it. [With your pussy lips!] (Janet)[<]
If there's one fool for you then I am it. (Janet)
I've one thing to say and that's [Only assholes write on church doors!>][OR only assholes carry
chalk] Dammit, Janet I love you.[<] [Hey look, the door’s got a hard-on.]
Here's a ring [That I stole from Bea Arthur>] to prove that [I play poker! OR That I’m The
Joker!>] I'm no joker.[<][<] [ MY PRECIOUS!! ]
There's three ways [My cock can go.>] that love can grow.[<Blow>] [Up, down, and all around! OR
Oral, anal, vaginal OR Find ‘em, fuck ‘em, forget ‘em]
That's[Gay, straight, or just greedy! OR Gay, straight, or bisexual!>] good, bad, or mediocre.[<]
[How do you spell slut?] O h, J-A-N-E-T I [spelled your name! OR “No, that spells HO!”>] love you
so.[<][Assholes can’t spell]

Janet: [How was your orgasm?] Oh, it's nicer than [Sucking on gonads OR Betty the Ho had>] Betty
Munroe had.[<] (Oh Brad)
Now we're engaged and I'm so glad (Oh Brad)
That you [Fuck mom and you blow Dad>] met Mom and you know Dad.[<] (Oh Brad)
I've one thing to say and that's Brad, [You fag, fuck you too>] I'm mad, for you too.[<]

[Hey Brad, how do you walk with a hard on?]

Oh Brad...

Brad: Oh... [Shit..] dammit![<]

Janet: I'm [pregnant>] mad...[<]

Brad: Oh, [Shit..] Janet.[<]

Janet: [Its not yours!>] For you.[<]

Brad: [I wonder who? OR I fucked a Furry and a Jew>] I love you too. [<]

Brad & Janet: There's one thing left to do - [That’s screw> OR ah, ah, ACHOO!>] ah - oo.[<]

Brad: And that's [Go pick my nose and then lick it!> OR go fuck the man in the casket!>] go see the man
who began it. [<] (Janet)
When we met in his science exam - it (Janet)[<casket][What the hell is an examit?]
Made me [Pull up your skirt, and then cram it! OR Cum in your eye and then panic! OR Piss in my
pants and then panic. >] give you the eye and then panic.[<] (Janet)[<casket]
Now I've one thing to say and that's [Casket, casket, I love casket? /Fuck it, suck it, let’s go screw
>] Dammit, Janet, I love you.[<]
Dammit, Janet.

Janet: Oh Brad, I'm mad.

Brad: Dammit, Janet.

Brad & Janet: [I sniff glue. OR I love Jews OR I sniff Jews OR My balls are blue>]
I love you. [<]

[“Watch as the amazing Janet Weiiss bends over and kisses her own Asshole!” “Damn,
 shes lexible!] OR [It doesn’t work if you both go down]

[Ladies and gentlemen, you are about to witness 2 virgins kiss, 3 people who don’t give
a shit, a 4-way split, and a man with NO FUCKING NECK (but a great fuckable chin).] OR:

[Ladies and Gentleman, the man you are about to see has no neck] OR [Oh my fuck
where is your fucking neck?! *Scream when Narrator turns around*] [*as Crim turns around*
Ah, Mister Bond, we’ve been expecting you...]
Narrator: I would like [You would, wouldn’t you? OR a blowjob] , ah, if I may,[You May Not!!] ...to take
you [Take me! Take me!] o n a strange journey. [How strange was it, it was so strange they made a movie
out of [crim grabs book] Not a Book, a movie OR How strange was it, so strange they made a movie out of
it! [crim grabs book] Not the Book, the movie! Its the same god damn book every fucking week! OR How
strange was it, so strange they made a movie out of it! [crim grabs book] Not the Book, the movie! And this
pervert took pictures!] [It wasn’t a movie, it was a Rock Lobster!]
It seemed a fairly ordinary night when Brad Majors[asshole] and his iancee
Janet Weiss[slut] , two young, ordinary, healthy kids, left Denton that
late November evening [Oh my god a loating head!] , to visit a Dr. Everett Scott [Great Scott, suck my
cock! or SIEG HEIL OR The bastard child of R2D2 and Mary Poppins!] , or (polo penis crippled crotch nazi
late night chicken fucker, zieg heil N ote: repeated every time Dr scott appears, fast or you can’t get it all
in ) ex-tutor, [Sex tutor? What a great job!]
and
now friend to both of them. [Is it true you are gay? OR Is it true you fuck dead sheep?] It's true there
were dark storm
clouds, [Describe the president’s balls. OR Describe Oprah’s breasts. OR Describe Oprah
Winfrey’s balls. OR How do you like your women? OR what do your balls look like?] h eavy, black, and
pendulous, towards which they were
driving. [Is it true you bite the heads of chickens? OR Is it true dead sheep fuck you baaack? OR
is it true that you like the jonas brothers?] It's true, also, that the spare tire they were carrying
was badly in need of some air, but, uh, they being normal kids[Normal? They were virgins!] and,
on a night out... [It was a Days Inn !] well, they were not going to let a storm
spoil the events of their evening, were they?...[Of course not, it doesn’t rain in the backseat!] [What
was it on?] On a night out...
[I’m sorry, repeat that?][It was a Days Inn!] i t was a night out they were going to remember... for a
very long time.

[(in time with windshield wipers) Asshole, slut, asshole, slut, asshole, slut.]
[{as the motorcycle goes past} Can sluts count? One... OR Hey Janet, what’s the motorcycle count?]

Janet: Gosh, that's the third motorcycle that's passed us. [Nope. It was the irst, bitch, you just can’t count.]
They sure do
take their lives in their hands, what with the weather and all.

Brad: Yes, life's pretty cheap to that type. [So’s Janet! OR Yay “that type”!]

Janet: Oh. ...What's the matter, Brad darling?

Brad: Hmmm.. [I came on the windshield] we must have taken the wrong fork a few miles back.[Or the
right spoon OR fork you! OR “In Soviet Russia, fork takes you!”]
Janet: Oh, but where did that motorcyclist come from? [Japan, you silly bitch!][or Japan bitch, not
anymore...][or KAWASAKI, bitch!]

Brad: Hmmm... well I guess we'll just have to turn back. [Okay, but watch out for that sharp pointy thing in
the middle of the road! OR No don’t, you’ll hit the cameraman! OR Don’t turn back, there’s a fork in the
road!]

Janet: Oh! What was that bang? [It was a gang bang! OR Oh shit, I shot Marvin in the face!][Kurt Cobain
riding shotgun]

Brad: We must have a blowout. DAMMIT! I knew I should have gotten that
spare tire ixed. [Asshole] Well, you just stay here keep warm and I'll go
for help.

Janet: But where will you go in the middle of nowhere?

[What’s white and sells cheeseburgers? OR Frank’s Fucking Palace! OR Where do all the fags,
furries and pedophiles ind work in Orlando?or to the edge of nowhere]
Brad: Didn't we pass a castle back down the road a few miles? [Wouldn’t it hurt to pass a castle?] M aybe
they have a telephone I could use. [Castles don’t have phones, asshole! Yes they do, they have princess
phones!]

Janet: I'm going with you.

Brad: Oh, no, darling, there's no sense in both of us getting wet.

[Janet’s already wet, check the gearshift.]
Janet: I'm coming with you! [That’ll be a irst!] B esides darling, the owner of that phone
might be a beautiful woman[He is!] , and you might never come back again. [He won’t/You should be
so fucking lucky! You should be so lucky fucking] [We should be so lucky; then we wouldn’t have to come
back next week.]
Brad: Heh, heh, heh, heh. [Laugh while you can, it’s only marriage.]
[When Janet has the paper on her head: “Buy an umbrella, you cheap bitch!]
[Just before Brad kicks the tire once: “Introducing new self-in lating tires, just kick twice!”]
[(when by sign at front gate) Hey Janet! That sign should be between your legs!]
[(As Janet is running behind Brad) Sluts on the left... Sluts on the right... Sluts in the middle...Sluts outta
sight!]

OVER AT THE FRANKENSTEIN PLACE

[Right before the tree molests Janet: “Slut, Slut, Slut of the Jungle, watch out for that tree!”]
[When the tree molests Janet: “Watch out for the slut-eating tree!”]
[When the tree molests Janet: “Watch out for the Whomping Willow! Ten points from Gryf indor!”]
[When the tree molests Janet: “Hey, Janet, show us your Sonny Bono impression!”]
Janet: In the velvet darkness, [Ooh! Ooh! Ooooooh! OR Of your twat OR Douche, douche, twat, twat! (in
time with music)]
Of the blackest night,[Ooh! Ooh! Ooooooh! OR Douche, douche, Twat, Twat OR Same thing!]
Burning bright, [What’s up your ass?] t here's a [Brand new car!>] guiding star.[<]
[Would you fuck me no matter what?] No matter what [Or who I are!?] o r who you are.
Brad & Janet: [What’s at the end of E.T.’s dick?] T
here's a light...

Chorus: [Over at the Epcot Center!] Over at the Frankenstein place.[<]

Brad & Janet: There's a light...

[Where’s my dignity? OR Where’s Santa Claus? OR Where did Hitler keep the Jews? OR Where are the
children? Where is my fucking baby?]
Chorus: [Burning in my special place...>] B
urning in the ireplace...[<]

Brad & Janet: There's a light, light in the darkness of everybody's life.

Riff Raff: [Fee, i, fo, fum, sing to us, oh hairless one!] The darkness must go down the river of night's
dreaming. [Camera 2!] [Ceiling Riff-Raff is watching you masturbate.]
Flow morphia slow, let the sun and light come streaming
Into my life. Into my life... [(as he sinks) Oh no! Quicksaaaaaaaand! OR “I’m meeeeelting!” OR Go
go gadget elevator!]

Brad & Janet: There's a light...

Chorus: [Over at the Epcot Center!] Over at the Frankenstein place.[<]

Brad & Janet: There's a light...

[Where is Anne Frank! OR Where is my baby?]
Chorus: Burning in the ireplace.
There's a light, a light

Brad & Janet: ...in the darkness of everybody's life.

Brad: I can see the lag ly

I can see the rain
Just the same, there has got to be
Something better here for you and me.

Narrator: And so, it seemed that fortune had smiled on Brad and Janet [unlike your neck] a nd
that they had found the assistance that their plight required [Also unlike your neck] .
[Are you sure? OR Oh, good! I was getting so worried!] ...Or had they? [Aw, dammit!]

Janet: Brad, let's go back, I'm cold and I'm frightened... [Why’s Janet got a condom in her hair? Because
she’s fucked in the head]

Brad: Just a moment Janet, they might have a phone.

[rings doorbell: Ding Dong, asshole calling, slut for sale, cheap, real cheap. OR “Ding Dong, asshole
calling, wanna buy some asshole cookies?” “No, they taste like shit!” “What do you think they’re made
of? OR “Ding Dong, asshole calling, slut for sale, cheap! How Cheap? So cheap she’s got a condom in her
hair! OR(sung a la Book of Mormon) “Hello, my name is Elder Brad”]
[Before door creaks: Hey Janet what sound does your vagina make when you spread your legs?]
[Door creaking: “It’s a doorgasm!”]

Riff Raff: [How do you say Jello in Spanish? OR What do you call satanic Jello? OR You say goodbye, and I
say OR “Nobody gets to see the Wizard, not nobody, not no how!”] H ello.

Brad: Hi! My name is Brad Majors[asshole] , and this is my iancee, Janet Weiss.[slut OR slut! “Not yet, give
her time and money and drugs!”] I
wonder if you could help us. You see, our car broke down a few
miles up the road... do you have a phone we might use? [Look between Janet’s legs! OR Castles don’t
have phones, asshole.] or [ assholes don’t have castles phone]

Riff Raff: You're wet.

Janet: [Janet, do you have a waterproof dildo?][or Are you gay, Janet?] Y
es -[Why?] it's raining.

Brad: [Brad, are you an asshole?][or Are you gay, Brad?] Yes.

Riff Raff: [Riff, do you fuck your sister?][or Are you gay, Riff?] Yes... [*just before the thunder strikes* Are
you gay, God? *thunderclap*][Oh shit you weren’t supposed to see that!] I think perhaps you better both
[FUCK OFF!!!] come inside. [I don’t care where you cum as long as you clean it up!][I don’t care if you
clean it up, as long as you cum!]

Janet: [How kind is he?] You're too kind. [No he’s not. OR No, he’s all kinds.] [Show us how a butter ly
masturbates! or how an asshole lies! OR How does Michael J. Fox take off his coat? *Brad shakes coat*]
Oh Brad, I'm frightened. What kind of a place is this?

Brad: [Describe Congress! OR Describe the Tea Party! or Describe the White House!] O h, it's probably
some kind of hunting lodge for rich weirdos. [Rich weirdos aren’t in season, asshole OR Tell that to Dick
Cheney! OR Can we poor weirdos come along too? OR Yay, rich weirdos! Yay, poor weirdos! Yaaaaay
weirdos!]

Janet: Oh.

Riff Raff: [Riff, how do you inger-fuck your sister?] This way. [Follow the bouncing thumb!]

Janet: Are you having a party? [Do you see any Tupperware, bitch! No, but I see a rubber maid with a
tight seal!]

Riff Raff: You've arrived on a rather special night.[Tuesday night, it’s meatloaf night! OR It’s my sister’s bar
mitzvah, tonight she becomes a man!] [What’s that on the loor?] It's one of the master's affairs. [Which
one? Which gender? Which species? OR Which one? He has so many!]

Janet: Oh, lucky him.

Magenta: You're [Sticky>] lucky[<] , he's [Sticky>] lucky[<] , I'm [Sticky>] lucky[<] , we're all
[Sticky>] lucky[<] ! [The banister’s sticky/lucky.] ha ha ha...[Who’s going to pick the splinters out of
Magenta’s twat?]
 THE TIME WARP
[Show me DOMA! OR Show me <recently deceased/skinny celebrity>]
Riff Raff: [Describe your dick] It's astounding; [No, it’s disgusting OR No it’s not, it’s a skeleton!]
Time is leeting; [Like your hairline]
[Who did “Our House”?] Madness [This is Sparta!] takes its toll. [69 cents please]
But listen closely... [How much longer?]

Magenta: Not for very much longer.

Riff Raff: [How many balls do you have?] I 've got to [I’ve got three. OR smoke a bowl>] keep control[<] .
I remember [Fucking my sister >] doing the time-warp[<] [Kick, kick!]
Drinking [Patricia Quinn >] those moments when [<]
The blackness would hit me [*BOOM!*]

Riff & Magenta: And the void would be calling...

[Everybody up!!!]
Transylvanians: Let's do the time-warp again. [And again, and again, fuck your mother!]
Let's do the time-warp again.

Narrator: [How do you do this? OR How the fuck do you do it?] It's just a jump to the left.

All: And then a step to the right.

Narrator: With your hands on your hips. [Ooohhhhh shit! OR Or someone else’s tits!]

All: You bring your knees in tight. [Two, four, six, eight, show us how you fornicate!]
[Group sex! Group sex!>] But it's the pelvic thrust [<]
[Fuck around the world!>and then you cum all over the place]] T
hat really drives you insane. [<]

Let's do the time-warp again. [And again, and again, fuck your mother!]
Let's do the time-warp again.

Magenta: It's so dreamy, oh [fondle me freely!>] fantasy free me.[<]

[Why do you wear so much makeup?] So you can't see me, [Hey, do you douche?] no, not at all.
[Where do you fuck?] I n another dimension, [How do you fuck?] w ith voyeuristic intention,
[Where are your tits?] W ell secluded, [Do you see this? *middle inger*] I see all. [Oh shit]

R-iff Raff: With a bit of a mind [fuck!>] lip[<]

Magenta: You're into the time [suck?>] slip.[<]

[Grease that pole! Fuck that bird! Have a bagel! It’s not Kosher! I’m not Jewish!]

Riff Raff: And nothing can ever be the same.

Magenta: You're spaced out on sensation.

Riff Raff: [What’s fucking you like?] Like you're under sedation.
All: Let's do the time-warp again. [And again, and again, fuck your mother!]
Let's do the time-warp again.

Columbia: Well I was walking down the street just a-having a think
When this snake of a guy gave me an evil wink.
He shook me up, he took me by surprise
He had a pickup truck, and the devil's eyes.
He stared at me and I felt a change.
Time meant nothing, never would again. [a-wop-bop-a-loo-bop, a-wop-bam-boom!]

All: Let's do the time-warp again.

Let's do the time-warp again.

Narrator: It's just a jump to the left!

All: And then a step to the right.

Narrator: With your hands on your hips.... (or somebody else’s)

All: You bring your knees in tight.

But it's the pelvic thrust (butt fuck butt fuck every body butt fuck)
That really drives you insane.

Let's do the time-warp again.

Let's do the time-warp again.
[Shake your ass, but watch yourself! Shake that ass, show em what you’re workin with! Danger! Danger!
Two, four, six, eight, show us how you masturbate. Three, ive, seven, nine we know you do it all the time.
Ten, twenty, thirty, forty we know it makes you really horny! One, two, three, four dance you little
fucking whore! OR One, two, three, four, show us how you fuck the loor! OR One, two, three, four, get up
off the fucking loor! OR One, two, three, four, get your ass up off the loor!]
All: Let's do the time-warp again.
Let's do the time-warp again.

Narrator: [get the fuck off your desk!>] It's just a jump to the left!![<]

All: And then a step to the right.

Narrator: With your hands on your hips!...

All: You bring your knees in tight.

But it's the pelvic thrust
that really drives you insane.

Let's do the time-warp again. [Let’s do the same shit again.]

Let's do the time-warp again.

Janet: [Brad say something stupid!>] Brad, say something[<] .

Brad: (Don’t fuck this up) S ay, do any of you guys know how to Madison? [I do the rock, myself. OR No, but
I know the Milwaukee.] (You fucked it up)

Janet: Brad, please, let's get out of here.

Brad: For God's sake, keep a grip on yourself Janet. [In front of all these people?]

Janet: But it... it seems so unhealthy here.

Brad: It's just a party, Janet.

Janet: Well - I want to [cum>] go.[<]

Brad: Well we can't go anywhere until I get [Phone sex >] to a phone[<]

Janet: Well then ask the butler or someone.

Brad: Just a moment, Janet - we don't want to interfere with their

celebration.

Janet: This isn't the Junior Chamber of Commerce, Brad.

Brad: They're probably foreigners with ways different than our own. They
may do some more... [fuck>] folk [<] dancing.

Janet: [How are you in bed? OR What’s it like fucking a polar bear?] Look, I'm cold, I'm wet, and I'm just
plain scared!

Brad: I'm here - there's nothing to worry about. [Except for THAT!!]

SWEET TRANSVESTITE

Frank: How do you do, I [Won’t do you!]

See you've met my
Faithful [handjob man >] h
andyman.[<]

He's just a little brought down

Because when you knocked [He came. OR He rang.]
He thought you were the [vibrator repair man OR Blowjob man OR Avon lady>] candyman.[<]

Don't get strung out [on sex and drugs OR on PCP OR like a tampon] by the way I look. [Same thing!
OR Like a tampon]
Don't judge a book by its cover.
I'm not much of a man [No Shit] by the light of day
But by night I'm one [Sick motherfucker!>] hell of a lover.[<] [Flame ON!!][Strip, bitch!]

I'm just a sweet transvestite [Work that ass!]

 From [San Francisco, California>] Transsexual, Transylvania.[<]

Let me show you around [like a record]

Maybe play you a sound. [like a record]
You look like you're both pretty groovy. [like a record]
Or if you want something visual [a porno!]
That's not too abysmal, [a good porno! OR a gay porno! OR a kiddie porno!]
We could take in an old Steve Reeves movie.[Who the fuck is Steve Reeves? He’s Chris Reeves’ gay
brother - he’s Sthuperman!]

Brad: I'm glad we caught you at home,

Could we use your phone? [Castles don’t have phones, asshole!]
We're both in a bit of a hurry.

Janet: Right.

Brad: We'll just say where we are,

Then go [fuck in the car>] back to the car[<] .
[We all wanna fuck Tim Curry>] We don't want to be any worry. [<] [Help, I’m on ire!]
[Throw it!, Cock that eyebrow!]
Frank: Well you got caught with a lat, well, [Fuck my cat OR How ‘bout this?>] how 'bout that?[<]
Well, babies, don't you panic. [*SCREAM*]
By the light of the night it'll all seem alright.
I'll get you a [Hispanic] satanic mechanic. [S and M! OR Freddie Prinze!]

I'm just a sweet transvestite [Check him out!]

From Transsexual, Transylvania.
[Hey look, it’s the Breakfast Club!]
Why don't you stay for the night?

Riff Raff: Night.

Frank: Or maybe a bite?

Columbia: Bite. [A bite, not a lick! OR That was all tongue!]

Frank: I could show you my favourite obsession. [Sex.]

I've been making a man [You call that a man?]
With [no>] blond[<] hair and [no>] a [<] tan [You call that a tan?]
And he's good for relieving my..[anal OR sexual] ....tension

I'm just a sweet transvestite [Check him out!]

From Transsexual, Transylvania.
HIT IT, HIT IT!
I'm just a sweet [Locomotive!] transvestite

Frank, Columbia, Riff Raff, Magenta: Sweet transvestite

Frank: [ Dr. TRANsexual>] F
rom Transsexual, [<]

Columbia, Riff Raff, Magenta: Transylvania.

Frank: So [What? OR “I heard you like mudkips”] - come up to the lab, [I can’t cum that high!]
And see what's on the slab. [Is it Meatloaf? OR Ice cream!]
I see you shiver with antici -[This movie really sucks without audience partici- OR Consti- OR
SAYYYY IT! - OR - Say it, say it master] -- pation. [What’s masterpation?]
But maybe the rain [Hallelujah! OR Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition!]
Isn't really to blame. [Blame it on the rain... OR Blame Canada! OR No, Sue’s to Blane!]
So I'll remove the cause. [What about the itching and the burning and the anal warts?]
But not the [Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa, Maggie, Grandpa, Snowball II, and Santa’s Little Helper? ]
symptom.

[Take your coat, sir? Take your pants, sir? Take your dress, miss?]
Janet: Oh! Brad!

Brad: It's all right Janet. We'll play along for now and pull out the
aces when the time is right. [All I see is a one eyed jack. OR Looks more like a joker to me. OR Hey
Columbia, how do you give a blowjob?]

Columbia: Oh, slowly, slowly! It's too nice a job to rush. [*start humming the keyboard solo to “Tom
Sawyer”*]

Brad: Hi, my name is Brad Majors [asshole] , and this is my iancee, Janet Weiss [slut] ;
ah.[Hey Brad, spell Uranus] . you are...? [Close enough. OR Assholes can’t spell.] (ine)

Columbia: You're very lucky to be invited up to Frank's [Great orgy.>] laboratory.[<] Some
people would give their right arm for the privilege. [or their left tit]

Brad: People like you maybe.

Columbia: [Hey Columbia, have you seen my toy horn?] H

a! I've seen it. [And I don’t do laundry!]

[Thats right Brad, grab something useful like a shoe!]

Riff Raff: Come along - the master doesn't like to be kept waiting.

Magenta: [Hey Magenta, what d’you do when your vibrator’s stuck in neutral?] Shift it! [Riff can’t hold his
liquor, Riff can’t hold his liquor! OR Oh, right, let the drunk drive!]

Janet: Is he, um, Frank I mean - is he your husband?

Riff Raff: The master is not yet married, nor do I think he ever will be. [Until he moves to Canada] W
e
are simply his [Sex slaves.>] servants.[<] [Same thing.]

Janet: Oh. [Who’s the empty space that’s a sex machine with all the chicks? Elevator SHAFT!]
[All this and more can be yours if the price is right, and the Weiss is tight!]
[Second loor, pineapple-shaped dildos. Third loor, Ray Charles’s dressing room. Don’t worry, he’s never
seen it either. OR First loor, antique dildos. Second loor, stupid conversation. Third loor, inside Kate
Gosselin/Lindsay Lohan/Kim Kardashian’s vagina]
[Who’s that man all dressed in green? That’s no man, that’s a gay marine! Who’s that man all dressed in
drag? That’s no man, that’s a great big fag!]
[Invisible man irst, sluts second, assholes third.]

Frank: [Frank, what color’s your foreskin? OR Hey Frank, what color pussy do you like to fuck? OR How
does a queer say purple?] M agenta, [Where do you get your drugs?] Columbia [Good choice! OR Bad
choice!] - go assist Riff Raff. [He can’t get it up by himself! OR He needs a blowjob and two heads are
better than one!] I will entertain ...uh...huh huh... [{as he extends his hand toward the camera} Me! Me!
Shit, he always goes for the asshole! OR Rocky Horror 3D OR The cameraman, with the world’s largest
handjob! OR The audience, with this 3D handshake!]

Brad: Brad Majors. This is my iancee, Janet "Vice".

Janet: Weiss.
[Vice is nice but Weiss is twice as nice. OR Tight as a vice, but twice as nice.]
Brad: Weiss? Um.

Frank: [How do you say slut in French? OR How do you say “your hand stinks” in French?] Enchante.
[Enchan-titties]
`
Frank: Well! How nice. [Thank you!] A nd what charming underclothes you both have. [Sears’ best!]
But here. Put these on. [And take those off!] T hey'll make you feel less...[naked] vulnerable.[Same
thing.]
It's not often we receive visitors here, let alone offer them [horse brutality>] hospitality.[<]

Brad: [Horse brutality?!>] Hospitality!?[<] All we wanted to do was to use your telephone,
goddammit, a reasonable request which you've chosen to ignore! [Asshole]
[It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s it’s...]
Janet: Brad, don't be ungrateful.

Brad: Ungrateful!
[Super Asshole! With his sidekick, Wonderslut, with her cunt of steel.]
Frank: How forceful you are, Brad. Such a perfect specimen of manhood.
So... dominant. [If he’s so dominant, why does she need glasses? OR Hey Brad, your dominance is
showing! OR No, he’s recessive.] Y ou must be awfully proud of him, Janet.

Janet: [See slut, see slut lie.] Well, yes I am.

Frank: Do you have any tattoos, Brad?

[How do you tattoo an asshole? With a thousand tiny pricks. OR Show him the butter ly!]
Brad: Certainly not!

Frank: Oh well,.. how about you?

Janet: No. [Show him the battleship! OR She giggles, but she never says no. OR Show him the rose! No,
wait, show him the whole bush!]

Riff Raff: Everything is in readiness, master. We merely await your... [Erection>] word.[<]
[Drinks are on Riff Raff! OR Oh shit, my suit. Oh shit, my only suit. OR Oh shit, this suit’s a rental, now I’ll
never get the deposit back. Oh shut up, nobody likes a dry hump.]

Frank: [When’s the orgy and who is invited?] T onight, my unconventional conventionists...you are about to
witness a new breakthrough in bi[sexual>] ochemical[<] research... [The lesbian condom!] and paradise is [by
the dashboard lights >] to be mine[<] ! It was strange the way it happened... suddenly you get a break[In the
condom] ... whole pieces seem to it into place, not a sign of being...what a fool! The answer was there all the
time, it took a small accident to make it happen...[What’s premature ejaculation? OR Describe Palin’s
granddaughter OR His mother described his birth as...>] AN ACCIDENT...[<]

Magenta & Columbia: An accident!

Frank: ..and that's how I discovered the secret, that elusive ingredient[Semen!] , that [Who gives the best
blowjobs on Star Trek? OR Who give the best blowjobs on the U.S.S Enterprise?] SPARK[“No, it’s Worf, he’s
ribbed for your pleasure.” “No, it’s Data, he’s fully functional and anatomically correct.” “No, it’s
Sulu--he’s gay!!”] t hat is the breath of life... [Frank, do you know how to masturbate? OR Can you program
my VCR?] Yes, I have that knowledge...[What do you hold between your legs?] I hold the secret[To life?] ...to
life[Itself? OR the cereal? OR The universe, and everything?] ...itself! [F!] You see, [K-E-Y, M-O-U-S-E,
Fuckey Mouse!] y ou are fortunate for tonight is the night that my beautiful creature is destined to be BORN! Up
now! ...throw open the switches on the sonic oscillator... and step the reactor power input THREE
MORE[DORITOS! OR TRIANGLES!>] POINTS![<]

Janet: Oh, Brad!

Brad: It's all right, Janet! [I’m wearing a condom!]

[(At shot of Rocky’s Hand) Ten seconds old and already looking for a screw!]

Frank: Oh! Rocky! [ADRIAAAAAAN!]

THE SWORD OF DAMOCLES

Rocky: The sword of Damocles is hanging over my head,

And I've got the feeling someone's gonna be [giving me head.>] cutting the thread. [<]

Frank: You IDIOT!!

Rocky: Oh, woe is me, my life is a misery. [My cock is as big as a tree!]
Oh, can't you see, that I'm at the start of a pretty big [boner>] downer.[<]

I woke up this morning [and I got myself a beer!>] with a start when I fell out of bed.[<]
All: That ain't no crime.

Rocky: And left from my dreaming was a feeling of unnameable dread.


All: That ain't no crime.

Rocky: My high is low, I'm [Fucked up with no one to blow >] dressed up with no place to go.[<]
And all I know is I'm at the start of a pretty big [boner>] downer.[<]

Frank: Oh, Rocky!

All: Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.

Rocky: Oh ho no no

All: Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.

Rocky: Oh ho no no

All: Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.

Rocky: Oh ho no no

Rocky: The sword of Damocles is hanging over my head.

Frank: Well, really!

All: That ain't no crime.

Rocky: And I've got the feeling someone's going to be cutting the thread.

All: Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.

Rocky: Oh, woe is me, my life is a mystery

And, can't you see, that I'm at the start of a pretty big downer

All: Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.

Rocky: Oh no no no.

All: Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.

Rocky: Oh no no no.

All: Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime, Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime,

Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime, Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime,
sha-la-la. [I love Sha Na Na!]

Frank: Well really. That's no way to behave on your irst day out. [of the closet]

Rocky: Ugh Ugh

[That’s right, look at his dick and forgive him!]

Frank: But since you're such an exceptional beauty, [and hung like a Clydesdale] I am prepared to
forgive you.

Rocky: Ugh Ugh

Frank: Oh, [I’d just love some sex>] I just love success[<] . [You love anything with the word “suck” in it.]

Riff Raff: He's a credit to your [penis>] genius[<] , master.

Frank: Yes.
[What’s your favorite German/Leni Riefenstahl movie?]
Magenta: A triumph of your will.
[Close enough.]

Frank: Yes.

Columbia: He's [Not gay>] Okay.[<]

Frank: [Not gay?>] Okay?[<]...[Bitch, get your tits off my tank!][Not gay?!?>] Okay?!?[<] [Quick, hit the
titty eject button! OR What do you think about the Rocky Horror Glee Show? OR What do you think of
<insert generally disliked politician> ] I think we can do better than that. Humph! Well,
Brad and Janet, what do you think of him?
[See slut lie. Lie slut, lie!]
Janet: Well, I don't like men with too many muscles. [just one big one]

Frank: I didn't make him FOR YOU! [But she gets him anyway!] He carries the Charles Atlas seal of
approval. [*bark and clap like a seal*]

I CAN MAKE YOU A MAN (part I)

Frank: [Describe Justin Bieber OR Describe Lindsay Lohan after rehab] A weakling weighing ninety-eight
pounds [That’s two Justin Biebers. OR He’s just a kid Frank!]
Will get sand in his face [Justin Beiber at the beach!]
When kicked [In the balls.>] to the ground;[<] [Don’t laugh, that shit hurts.]
And soon in the gym with a determined chin, [cum on his chin]
The sweat from his pores as he works for his cause [Go for the gold! Go for the gold! Go for the gold!
Missed it, missed it, now you gotta kiss it! Licked it, sucked it, now you gotta fuck it! Thats why he
missed it!]
Will make him glisten ...and gleam.
And with massage, and just a little bit of steam,
He'll be pink and quite clean
He'll be a strong man. [What do Irish bees make? OR What’s Irish cum taste like?] Oh honey...

Frank & Transylvanians: But the wrong man.

Frank: He'll eat nutritious [Cum] h igh protein[Cum] . And swallow [whole dicks OR Lots and lots of
cum>] raw eggs[<] [With cum]
Try to build up his shoulders, his chest, arms, and...[Cock>] legs.[<]
Such an effort if he only knew of my plan.
In just seven [inches >] days[<] ... [And six long nights!]

Frank & Transylvanians: I can make you a [Fag! Just like your dad!>] man.[<] [...man, just like Roseanne.]

Frank: He'll do press-ups, and chin-ups, do the snatch, clean and jerk. [Off!]
He thinks dynamic tension {What do you think of monogamy?} must be hard work.
Such strenuous living I just don't understand,
When in just seven days[And six long nights!] , oh baby, ...I can make you a [Fag! Just like your
dad!>] man.[<] [...man, just like Roseanne.]
[MEATLOAF IS READY! OR We’ve got movie sign!]
Columbia: Eddie!

HOT PATOOTIE (BLESS MY SOUL)

[Splish splash, I was takin’ a bath, long about a Saturday night...] OR [(in time with Eddie’s actions)
Throw something! Now throw Something else! Now say something stupid!]
Eddie: Whatever happened to Saturday night, [You were taking a bath! OR You ate it! OR Sunday morning!]
When you dressed up sharp and you felt alright? [Meh meh meh mehhh bllah blah bleh bluh na na
na naaaa (sing along in gibberish to Eddie’s unintelligable singing)]
It don't seem the same since cosmic light
Came into my life, I thought I was divine.
I used to go for a ride with a chick who'd go,
And listen to the [Rocky Horror Picture Show>] music on the radio [<] ;
A saxophone was blowin' in a rock 'n roll show.
You climbed in the back seat, you really had a good time.

[Fuck my titties, smoke a bowl>] Hot patootie, bless my soul, [Sex, drugs, and 7 year olds>] I really
love that[<] rock 'n roll.
Hot patootie, bless my soul, [Sex, drugs, and 6 year olds>] I really love that rock 'n roll.[<]
Hot patootie, bless my soul, [Sex, drugs, and 5 year olds>] I really love that rock 'n roll.[<]
Hot patootie, bless my soul, [Sex, drugs, and 4 year olds>] I really love that rock 'n roll.[<]

(In time with his kicks) [Eat shit!] [And die!]

My head used to swim from the perfume I smelled.

[My career kinda faltered after Bat Outta Hell>] My hands kind of fumbled with her white plastic
belt.[<]
I'd taste her baby pink lipstick and that's when I'd melt
And she'd whisper in my ear tonight she really was mine.
Get back in front, put some hair oil on
Buddy Holly was [Screaming all the way down >] singing his very last song. [<]
With your arms around your girl you'd try to sing along.
It felt pretty good. Woo! You really had a good time.
 Hot patootie, bless my soul, [Sex, drugs, and 3 year olds>] I really love that rock 'n roll.[<]
Hot patootie, bless my soul, [Sex, drugs, and 2 year olds>] I really love that rock 'n roll.[<]
Hot patootie, bless my soul, [Sex, drugs, and 1year olds>] I really love that rock 'n roll.[<]
Hot patootie, bless my soul, [Sex, drugs, and embryos!>] I really love that rock 'n roll.[<]
etc.
[As Frank hands off the bloody gloves: “Give these to OJ, he’ll know what to do!” OR Magenta knows what
to do with bloody rubbers, turn ‘em inside out & use ‘em again!]
Frank: One from the vaults. Oh baby!.. Don't be upset... [DESCRIBE CASEY ANTHONY (or any recent
murder)] I t was a mercy killing... (smurfy killing, lalalalalala splat) he had a certain naive charm,
but no muscle... Oh!

I CAN MAKE YOU A MAN (part II)

Frank: But a deltoid and a bicep.

[What did you have for breakfast?] A hot groin and a tricep.
Makes me,[wanna fuck a midget OR Boogie with a midget] oooh, shake,
Makes me want to take Charles Atlas by the...ha-ha-hand.

Frank & Transylvanians: In just seven days [and six long nights!] I can make you a man.

Frank: [(in time to Frank’s kicks and the music, 8x alltogether) Strut! Strut! Strut! Strut!>] I don't want
no dissention, just dynamic tension. [<]

Janet: [(still in time with music, 4x) Slut! Slut! Slut! Slut!>] I'm a muscle fan. [<] [How the fuck does she
know the words?!]

Frank: In just seven days,[And six long nights!] I can make you [some Spam, straight from the can>] a man
[<] [...a man, just like Roseanne.][A fag, just like your dad]
Dig it if you can
In just seven days [and six long nights!] , I can make you a man.

Transylvanians: Frank and Rocky, rah-rah-rah! Frank and Rocky, rah-rah-rah!

Frank and Rocky, rah-rah-rah! Frank and Rocky, rah-rah-rah!

Narrator: There are those [Are there?] who say that life is an illusion,[Like your neck!] and that reality
is but a igment of the imagination.[Also like your neck!] If this is so, then Brad and
Janet are quite safe,[Unlike your neck!] ...however, the sudden departure of their
host[And his neck!] ...and his creation[And his neck!] ...into the seclusion of his sombre
bridal suite [Sour!] had left them feeling both apprehensive and [Neckless.>] uneasy[<] , a
feeling which grew[Unlike your neck!] as the other guests departed, and they were
shown to their separate rooms.[With their separate necks!] [Separate but equal - Plessy versus
Ferguson, 1896!]
[Watch out for the holy water, Janet...bitch!] [Redroom! Redroom!][Blueroom! Blueroom!][Same room,
different lighting, cheap movie, cheaper audience!] [He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when
you’re awake! He knows if you’ve been good or bad, and when you masturbate!]
Janet: Who is it? Who's there?

Frank (Brad): [Never worry, Never fear, Frank the Wonderfuck is here, big or little, thick or thin, Vaseline
will get it in! 2, 4, 6, 8, Frankie’s fucks are always great. Yaaaaay, Frankie! Part One.] It's only me, Janet.

Janet: Oh, Brad darling, come in. Oh! Brad Oh... Yes, my darling...but
what if...

Frank (Brad): It's all right, Janet, everything's going to be alright. [Just don’t fuck with my hair.]

Janet: Oh, I hope so, my darling. Oh...Ah...ahh OHHH! Oh it's you! [AL FRANKEN?!]

Frank: I'm afraid so, Janet, but isn't it nice...

Janet: Oh, you beast, you monster...Oh what have you done with Brad?

Frank: Oh, well, nothing [Yet] . [I’m saving the best for last.] W
hy, do you think I should?

Janet: You tricked me...I wouldn't have...I've never..never...[what about the chess team and the hockey team
and the glee club and the National Honor Society and the janitor...]

Frank: Yes, yes I know, but it isn't all bad, is it? [Well, it ain’t all Brad] I think you really
found it quite pleasurable.

Janet: Oh, stop...I mean help...Brad Brad!..Oh Brad!!

Frank: Shhh. Brad's probably asleep by now. Do you want him to see you
like...This!

Janet: Like this..like how??! Oh, it's your fault...you're to blame... [No, Sue’s to blame!] I
was saving myself...[I was saving myself too but I ran out of Mason jars OR For what, a rainy day?
Look outside, bitch, it’s pouring!]

Frank: Well, I'm sure you're not SPENT yet... [Spend her, spend her! Make loose change! OR Spent? She’s
overdrawn!] (Spend her spend her Make loose change, put a quarter in her ear and her teeth fold back)

Janet: Promise you won't tell Brad? [Spoken like a true slut!]

Frank: Cross my heart and hope to die... [Stick a dildo in my eye! OR You will!]
[Hide your kids, hide your wife, cause Frank is fucking everybody up in here!]

Frank (Janet): Oh, Brad darling, it's no good here. It'll destroy us.

Brad: Don't worry Janet, we'll be away from here in the morning.

Frank (Janet): Oh, Brad you're so strong and protective. [Just like a condom.]

Brad: YOU!

Frank: I'm afraid so, Brad, but isn't it nice... [That’s Weiss!]
Brad: Why YOU! What have you done with Janet? [Fucked the shit out of her! OR More than you have!]

Frank: Nothing. Why? Do you think I should?

Brad: You tricked me, I wouldn't have...I've never never...never...[What about the hockey team? They never
did ind that puck.]

Frank: Oh Yes yes, I know...but it isn't all bad, is it? Not even half
bad, [It’s all Brad!] I think you really quite enjoyed it.

Frank: Oh... so soft...

Brad: Stop it...stop it...oh Janet...JANET! [She’s never been down there! At this rate she never will be!]

Frank: Shhh! Janet's probably asleep by now, do you want her to see you...
like this!

Brad: Like this, like how? It's your fault, you're to blame, [No, Sue’s to blame! She made the costumes!] I
thought it was the real thing! [It was, only bigger than your inger!]

Frank: Oh come on, Brad, admit it, you liked it, didn't you? There's no
crime in giving yourself over to pleasure, [It is in (insert your state)!] B
rad. Oh Brad, you've
wasted so much time already...Janet needn't know, I won't tell.

Brad: Well, promise you won't tell... [Where do you like to have sex?]

Frank: On my mother's graoouuuuuu.... [Don’t talk with your mouth full!]

Riff Raff: Master, Rocky has broken his chains and vanished. The new playmate
is loose and somewhere on the grounds. Magenta has just released..
[her sisters>] the dogs[<] .

Frank: Mmmmm? Coming! [So’s Brad! Not yet! Now he is!]

Janet: [Hey Janet, show us your impersonation of Glenn Beck!]

What's happening here? [Cumshot, take one! OR Switch!] Where's Brad? [Cumshot take two! OR
Switch!] Where's anybody? [Cumshot, take three! OR Switch!] Oh, Brad.
Brad, my darling [Janet, my slut!] , how could I have done this to you? Oh, if only
we hadn't made this journey [but you did!] ... if only the car hadn't broken
down... [but it did!] oh, if only we were amongst friends... [but you’re not!] Or sane persons
[de initely not!] , Oh
Brad, what have they done with him... [Hey look, it’s a fag smoking a fag after smoking a fag! OR
Hey look, it’s a fag smoking a fag after shagging a fag in drag!] Oh, Brad, Oh Brad-How could
you?

(visual gag while janet is crying: GOD DAMNING SLUT I’ve been coming to this fucking show for 37 years!
all you ever do is bitch, whine, and moan.... look at me when I’m talking slut.... Look at me!! ! There’s a
monster in the tank that wants to fuck, come on! Note: timing is important to sync up with janet

Janet: Oh, but you're hurt...Did they do this to you? [No, he did it to himself, he’s a sadomonsterchist!]
Here, I'll dress
your wounds...[Look, its Susan Saran[don]wrap! OR I’ve got more hurt than you’ve got skirt!]
baby there... (bet he’s got more hurt than she’s got skirt, hey janet make me a 3 piece suit.... poof you’re a
3 piece suit)

[Hey, Janet! Do you wanna fuck Rocky? Or the audience? Rocky? Or the audience? You wanna fuck them
both, don’t you?]

Narrator: Emotion, agitation or disturbance of mind...Vehement or excited

mental state. It is also a powerful and irrational [mouthwash>] master[<] ...and
from what Magenta and Columbia eagerly viewed on their television
monitor there seemed little doubt that Janet was, indeed, ... its
slave.

Magenta and Columbia: Tell us about it, Janet.

TOUCH-A TOUCH-A TOUCH-A TOUCH ME

Janet: I was feeling done in [and out and in and out and in] , couldn't win [Like Mubarak!] [Like Romney!]
I'd only ever kissed before.

Columbia: You mean she's... [Lying!]

Magenta: [Catholic >] Uh huh.[<]

Janet: I thought there's no use getting [laid]

Into [Heavy Metal! >] heavy petting[<][Like what I do with my ferret?]
It only leads to [Slayer >] trouble[<]
And [Pantera! >] seat wetting.[<]
[*stand up and look at your seat* Oh shit! My seat’s wet!]
Now all I want to know is how to go. [down on you!]
I've tasted [cum>] blood [<] and I want more. [less!]

Magenta and Columbia: More, [less!] more, [less!] more [less!]

Janet: I'll put up no resistance [you never did]

I want to [take your OR Suck your distance >] stay the [<] distance
I've got an [itchy snatch>] itch to [<] scratch
[I need some ointment! >] I need assistance. [<]

Toucha toucha toucha touch me [*Run up to screen and touch Janet*]

I want to be dirty
[Eat me, beat me, mistreat me Or Drill me, ill me, then bill me, dentist of the night>] Thrill me,
chill me, ful il me [<]
 Creature of the night.

Then if anything grows, [Suck it, bitch!][Like Rocky’s hose>] w

hile you pose,[<]
I'll oil you up and rub you down. [up!]

Magenta and Columbia: Down,[up!] down, [up!] down.[up!]

Janet: And that's just one small fraction [one sixty-ninth!] o

f the main attraction
You need a friendly hand[job] and I need action.

Toucha toucha toucha touch me [*Run up to screen and touch Janet*]

I want to be dirty
[Drill me, ill me then bill me. Dentist of the night!>] Thrill me, chill me, ful il me
Creature of the night. [<]

Columbia: Toucha toucha toucha touch me [*Run up to screen and touch Columbia, starting to get visibly
tired now from all the running*]

Magenta: I want to be dirty.

Columbia: [Drill me, ill me then bill me. Dentist of the night!>] Thrill me, chill me, ful il me, [<]

Magenta: Creature of the night.

Janet: Oh, toucha toucha toucha touch me I want to be dirty [*Run up to screen one last time, exhausted,
and touch Janet before collapsing*]
Thrill me, chill me, ful il me, creature of the night.

Rocky: Creature of the night [Too many muscles, switch.]

Brad: Creature of the night? [Glasses, switch.]
Frank: Creature of the night. [Too much makeup, switch.]
Magenta: Creature of the night. [Too much hair, switch.]
Riff Raff: Creature of the night.[Not enough hair, switch.]
Columbia: Creature of the night. [AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!! *scream as loud as you possibly can in sheer
terror at Columbia’s face*]
Rocky: Creature of the night! [Hey, you already had a turn!]
Janet: Creature of the night.

Riff Raff: Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! Merrrrrcy! (Kuuuunnnntaaaaa! YOUR NAME IS TOBY!)

Frank: How did it happen? [I don’t know, but I’ve got a hunch!] I understood you were to be watching!

Riff Raff: I was only away for a minute [Doing what?] ...master[...bating]

Frank: Well, see if you can ind him on the monitor.

Riff Raff: Master [bating] , master [bating] ...we have a visitor.

Brad: Hey, Scotty! [Beam us up, this movie sucks!] ...Dr. Everett Scott. (polo penis crippled crotch nazi
late night chicken fucker zieg heil)

Riff Raff: You know this earthling [Whoops! OR Fucked up!] ...person?

Brad: I most certainly do! He happens to be an old friend of mine. (an occasional lay)

Frank: I see. So this wasn't simply a chance meeting. You came here with
a [porpoise>] purpose. [<] [No, it was a sperm whale; we had to ill up along the way.]

Brad: I told you, my car broke down. [I HAD to take the porpoise] I was telling the truth. [Assholes don’t lie.
They just give you a lot of shit.]

Frank: I know what you told me...but this Dr. Everett Scott (Fuckin’ nazi! OR Timmay!) , his name is not
unknown to me.

Brad: He was a science teacher at Denton High School.

Frank: And now he works for your government, doesn't he, Brad? He's
attached to the bureau of investigation of that which you call
UFO's! Isn't that right, Brad?
[I wanna see Brad’s right nipple! Brad’s right nipple!]

Brad: He might be...I don't know.

Riff Raff: The intruder is entering the building, master. [AND THE BUILDING LIKES IT! OR And the building
doesn’t like it one bit! OR Hide your kids, hide your wife!]

Frank: He'll probably be... [Where do you keep Jimi Hendrix?] in the Zen room. Shall we inquire of him in
person?
[(as Dr. Scott crashes through the wall, like the Kool-Aid Man) Oh yeahhhhhhhhhhhhh]
Brad: Great Scott! [*Throw toilet paper*]

Dr. Scott: Frank N. Furter, we meet at last. [We meet at irst!]

Brad: Dr. Scott! [Janet, Brad, Rocky, Bullwinkle!]

Dr. Scott: Brad! What are you doing here? [Oh, just fucking around]

Frank: Don't play games, Dr. Scott.[But, you played CLUE! ] Y ou know perfectly well what Brad
Majors is doing here. [Giving good head!] It was part of your plan, was it not? That
he and his female should check the layout for you. [Check in, get laid, check it out!] Well,
unfortunately for you, all the plans are to be changed. [Shit, I had reservations.] I am
adaptable, Dr. Scott; [Is Brad circumcised? OR Is Brad gay?] I know Brad is.

Dr. Scott: I can assure you that Brad's presence here comes as a complete
surprise to me. [Whenever Brad comes it’s a surprise.] I came here to ind Eddie.
Brad: [Dinner?>] Eddie! [<] I've seen him!

Frank: Eddie! What do you know of Eddie, Dr. Scott?

.[He’s good with fava beans and a nice Chianti.]
Dr. Scott: I happen to know a great deal about a lot of things. You see Eddie
happens to be my nephew.
[Time For Mickey Mouse Roll Call OR Rocky Horror Roll Call!]
Brad: Dr. Scott.

Janet: Ah!

Dr. Scott: Janet!

Janet: [TIMMAY!>] Dr. Scott![<]

Brad: Janet!

Janet: Brad!

Frank: Rocky!
[BULLWINKLE OR Huh!]
Dr. Scott: Janet!

Janet: [TIMMAY!>] Dr. Scott![<]

Brad: Janet!

Janet: Brad!

Frank: Rocky!
[BULLWINKLE]
Dr. Scott: Janet!

Janet: [TIMMAY!>] Dr. Scott![<]

Brad: Janet!

Janet: Brad!

Frank: Rocky!
[BULLWINKLE! (or ADRIAN!) All present and accounted for, sir, except for that damn moose.]
Frank: Listen...I made you[out of Legos] ...and I can break you just as easily. [You can’t break Legos!]

Magenta: Master, dinner is prepared! [Shake and Bake, and I helped! OR Papaya?? But I wanted Meatloaf!]

Frank: Excellent. Under the circumstances, formal dress is to be optional. [Toga! Toga! Naked! Naked!]

Narrator: Food has always played a vital role in Life's rituals. The breaking
 of the bread, the last meal of the condemned man, [the last meal IS the condemned man!] a nd now,
this
meal. However informal it might appear, you can be sure that there
was to be very little... [boner me>] bon ami. [<]
[Hey, why does Dr. Scott have seven forks? Because he hasn’t ate yet! OR Dr. Scott needs more forks, he
only has seven!]
Frank: [A crumpet! A bagel! A poptart!] A toast...[To the dalmatian that died to make brad’s cup! OR To
Steve Irwin, he died as he lived, with animals in his heart.>] to absent friends...[<] [May they stay absent
OR and present enemies]
(to jim jones and koolaid may all your parties be killers)
All: To absent friends. [Fuck ‘em, they’re not here.]

Frank: And Rocky. Happy Birthday [Fuck you>] to you[<] , Happy Birthday [Fuck you>] to you[<] ! Happy
Birthday dear Rocky... [Happy birthday, FUCK YOU!>] Shall we?[<] [Aww, now the virgins’ll never
know how the song ends.]

Dr. Scott: We came here to [digest>] d

iscuss[<] Eddie. [dinner?]

Columbia: Eddie?! (SHHHH)

Frank: That's a rather tender subject. [And that’s a rather tasteless joke.] A
nother slice anyone?

[Janet gets it! Brad gets it! Columbia doesn’t get it any more. Rocky doesn’t care! OR Rocky gets it, BUT
HE’S HARDCORE! [OR Rocky gets its, HE JUST DOESN’T CARE!]

Columbia: Excuse me... [Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve secretly replaced Columbia’s vibrator with a razor,
let’s see if she notices. Nope! OR Columbia’s off to masturbate with a pineapple.]

Dr. Scott: [Who the fuck are you talking to? Who the fuck are YOU talking to? Who the fuck am I talking
to?>] I knew he was in with a bad crowd, but it was worse than I imagined...Aliens! [<]

Rocky: Ugh?!

Brad & Janet: Doctor Scott!

Frank: Go on, Dr. Scott. Or should I say Dr. Von Scott? [Sieg Heil!]

Brad: Just what exactly are you implying? [That he’s a Nazi! Just like the Pope!]

Dr. Scott: It's all right!

Brad: But Dr. Scott! (Fucking Nazi! OR Timmay!)

Scott: That's all right, Brad!! [I’ll sing my way out of this one!]

EDDIE
 From the day he was born [Not the night, but the day]
He was trouble. [Not Monopoly, but Trouble]
He was the thorn [Not the rose, but the thorn]
In his mother's side. [Not her back, but her side OR Not the mother, but the mooter OR Not her
ass, but her side]
She tried in vain... [Not the the artery, but the vein]

Narrator: ...but he never caused her nothing but shame. [shame shame shame]

Scott: He left home the day she died. [Ladies and gentlemen, for one night and one night only, it’s Rockin’
Dr. Scott! OR Hit It!]
From the day she was gone [bop shebop bop]
All he wanted
Was [Dr. Scott’s Cock>] Rock 'n' Roll porn[<] [Hi, Mom!]
And a motorbike.
Shooting up junk... [gimme drugs, lotsa drugs]

Narrator: [Five-seven-four-three-oh-six!>] [What was he?] He was a low down cheap little punk![<] [Yay,
punk!]

Scott: Taking everyone for a ride. [*throw hands in the air* Weeeeeeeee!!!]

All: When Eddie said he [circumsized>] didn't like [<] his Teddy
You knew he was a [Jewish >] n
o-good [<] kid.
But when he threatened your life with a [dick this size! >] switch-blade knife [<]

Frank: What a [fag.] g uy![<]

Janet: Makes you [gag] c ry.[<]

Scott: Und I did. [Twice!] [What the fuck’s an unt? A cunt that can’t see!]

Columbia: Everybody [sucked>] s hoved [<] him.

I very nearly [fucked>] l oved [<] him.
I said, hey, [slip it to me>] l isten to me; [<] [I ordered wallet size, not wall size]
Stay [hard] sane[<] inside [my cavity> ]i nsanity![<]
But he [pulled it out>] locked the door [<] and [pissed all over me>] threw away the key.[<]

Scott: But he must have been drawn [Not sketched, but drawn]
Into something, [What the fuck is a ‘someting?’]
Making him warn [Who?]
Me in a note that reads...

All: What's it say? What's it say?

Eddie's voice: I'm out of my hed. [spelled “H-E-D”]

Oh, hurry, or I may be dead. [Spelled right.]
They mustn't [smoke up all my evil weed!>] c arry out their evil deeds.[<]
All: When Eddie said he didn't like his Teddy
You knew he was a no-good kid.
But when he threatened your life with a switch-blade knife

Frank: What a guy!

Janet: Makes you cry.

Scott: Und I did.

All: When Eddie said he didn't like his teddy

You knew he was a no-good kid.
But when he threatened your life with a [Ball point pen? >] switch-blade knife [<]

Frank: What a guy! [What does santa say?]

Janet: Makes you cry.[What’s Fat Albert say?]

Scott: Und I did. [What’s an “unt”? 3/4 of a cunt. Which is more than you’re getting tonight.]

Frank: Rocky! How [heterosexual of you!>] could you?[<] [Before Frank slaps Janet: “Hey Frank, what’d
Chris Brown say to Rhianna?”]+

[His name was Robert Paulson... His name was Robert Paulson...]

WISE UP

I'll tell you once; I won't tell you twice.

You'd better wise up, Janet Weiss.

Your apple pie (it was cherry) don't taste too nice.
You'd better wise up, Janet Weiss.

I've laid the seed; it should be all you need. [Sonny!]

You're as sensual as a pencil, wound up like an E or [G>] irst string.[<]
When we made it, didja hear a bell ring?

Ya gotta block? Well, take my advice.

You better wise up, Janet Weiss.
The transducer will seduce ya.

Janet: My feet! I can't move my feet! (My tacky white shoes, i can’t move my tacky white shoes)

Scott: My wheels! My God, I can't move my [mustache>] wheels! [<]

Brad: [My socks! I can’t move my socks!] It's as if we're glued to the spot!

Frank: You are![Fucked!] So quake with fear, you tiny fools! [Melodrama!]
Janet: We're trapped! [In a bad movie! OR Bad melodrama!]

Frank: It's something you'll get used to.

A mental mind fuck can be nice.

[One, two, three, four, next time use the fucking door!]

Scott: You won't ind Earth people quite the easy mark you imagine. This
sonic transducer...it is, I suppose, some kind of audio-vibrato-
physio-molecular transport device? [A vibrator?]

Brad: You mean...

Scott: Yes, Brad, it's something we ourselves have been working on for
quite some time. [A working vibrator!] But it seems our friend here has found a means of
perfecting it. [A perfect vibrator!] A device which is capable of breaking down solid
matter and then projecting it through space and, who knows, perhaps
even time.. itself! [A cosmic vibrator! OR Doctor Who’s vibrator!?]

Janet: You mean he's going to send us to another planet?

Frank: Planet, shmanet, Janet! [Hip check! OR Bump that ass!]

You better wise up, Janet Weiss.
You better wise up, build your thighs up,
You better wise up

Narrator: And then she cried out...

Janet: [My neck doesn’t work!>] Stop! [<]

Frank: Don't get hot and lustered!

[What d’you do when you run out of KY?] U
se a bit of mustard.

Brad: You're a hot dog, [up your] (cock sucking ,butt fucking, needle dick twit) but you better not try to
hurt her, [Oscar Mayer OR with your two-inch] F
rank Furter.

Scott: You're a hot dog, [up your] (cock sucking ,butt fucking, needle dick twit) but you'd better not try to
hurt her, [Hebrew National] F
rank
Furter.

Janet: You're a hot dog -- [Probably wouldn’t have rhymed anyway.]

[Hey guys, check it out, Janet has a BLT, a Big Left Tit]

Columbia: My God! I can't stand any more of this! [So take a seat, bitch] First you spurn [sperm!] me for
Eddie, and then you throw him off like an old overcoat for Rocky! [How does Frank give head?]
You chew people up and then you spit them out again...[That’s oral sex for you, baby. OR Doesn’t
anyone swallow anymore?] I loved
 you..do you hear me? I loved you! And what did it get me? Yeah,
I'll tell you: a big nothing. [At least it’s a b
ig n
othing] You're like a sponge. You take, take,
take, and drain others of their [cum and erections >] love and emotion [<] . Yeah, well, I've
had enough. [Peek-a-boob! OR (chanting up until her nipple shows) Nipple! Nipple! Nipple!
YAY!!!] Y
ou're gonna choose between me and Rocky, so named
because of the rocks in his [pants>] head.[<]
[Ohmigawd! What a bitch! Quick, Magenta, throw the switch!]
Frank: It's not easy having a good time... [How do you feel after giving a thousand blowjobs?] even smiling
makes my face ache... [How about biting your thumb? OR Your face makes my stomach ache!] and my
children turn on me [You mean, turn you on?] ...Rocky's behaving just the way that Eddie did. [Show us your
only virgin ori ice! I don’t believe you!] Do you think I made a mistake, splitting his brain between the two of
them?

Magenta: Ahhhh! I grow veary of this world! When shall we return to

Transylvania, huh? [Vhen you can pronounce your W’s! OR On Vhensday! OR uh, uh, uh staying
alive] (when we catch moose and squirrel Natasha!)

Frank: Magenta, I am indeed grateful to both you and your brother Riff
Raff. You have both served me well. Loyalty such as yours shall
not go unrewarded. You will discover that when the mood takes me,
I can be quite generous.

Magenta: [How much do you charge for a blow job?] I ask for nothing [under 12 inches!] ...nothing. [I’ll take
two!]

Frank: And you shall receive it...in abundance! [In the buttocks?] [Frank, what do you like on corn lakes?]
OR [What’s the secret ingredient in tonight’s popcorn?] OR [Fee, i, fo, fum, irst I jack off, then I--] C
ome,
we are ready for
the loor show! [All this AND a loor show?]

[Man, everyone’s always fucking over the cripples.]

Narrator: And so, by some extraordinary co-incidence, fate, it seemed, had

decided that Brad and Janet should keep that appointment with their
friend, Dr. Everett Scott. But it was to be in a situation which
none of them would have possibly foreseen. [Or foreskinned!] And, just a few hours
after announcing their engagement, Brad and Janet had both tasted [Frank’s cum?]
forbidden fruit. [Same thing] This in itself was proof that their host was a
man of little morals [Yay, little morals!] ...and [all persuasions>] some persuasion[<] . What further
indignities were they to be subjected to? [Shock Treatment! --- Wrong movie!] And what of the loor
show that is spoken of? [Where do you like to masturbate?] In an empty house? [When do you like
to masturbate?] I n the middle of the
night? What diabolical [...chicken, kicked your forehead, fucked your chin, stole your neck and
shat on your tie!?>] plan had been shaped by Frank's crazed
imagination? What indeed? [<] From what had gone before, it
was clear that this was to be... [Hey crim, can we have a picnic? OR Hey crim, orgy or picnic?] no
picnic. [awww! OR woooo!]
 ROSE TINT MY WORLD

A. FLOOR SHOW

[Girls, pay attention, this is what happens when you don’t swallow. Guys, pay attention, this is what
happens when you masturbate into a fan.]

Columbia: [Hey Columbia, describe the economy! OR Describe this movie.] I t was great when it all began.
[...and now it sucks]
I was a regular [lesbian>] Frankie fan. [<]
But it was over when he had the plan
To start a-[fucking>] working[<] on a muscle man.
Now the only thing that gives me hope
Is my [fantasy of fucking the Pope>] love of a certain dope.[<]
[(in time to music) Nipple nipple nipple nipple nipple nipple nipple nipple>] Rose [tits>] tints[<]
my world, keeps me safe from my trouble and pain.[<]

Rocky: [I just stole David Bowie’s voice>] I'm just seven hours old,[<] [and can’t dance OR and fucked
twice!]
And truly beautiful to behold. [and can’t dance OR and modest, too!]
And somebody should be told [that you can’t dance]
[That my G-string is about to explode>] My libido hasn't been controlled.[<]
Now the only thing I've come to trust [is Janet’s bust]
Is an orgasmic rush of lust. [Same thing! OR This movie needs more boa fucking.]
[We’ll never use this particular boa again>] Rose tints my world and keeps me safe from my trouble
and pain.[<]

Brad: [Brad, what’s two plus two?] It's beyond me;[What do you say when you masturbate?] help me
Mommy!
I'll be good; you'll see.
Take this [boa>] dream [<] away.
What's this? [The loor...] Let's see, [That’s your leg!]
I feel sexy! [I feel kinda sick] [It feels sticky!]
What's come over me? [epilepsy! OR Frank!]
Wo! Here it comes again. [I didn’t know Michael J. Fox was in this movie!]

Janet: I feel [real cheap >] released [<] ; [like I’ve been blowing sheep> OR badly used and diseased>] bad
times decease. [<]
[I’ve still got wool stuck in my teeth> OR my circumference has increased>] My con idence has
increased; [<] reality is here.
The game has been disbanded; my [vagina’s>] mind has [<] been expanded.
[What’s the smell? Cover it up!] It's a gas that Frankie's landed![<]
[Give us a kiss, Janet! Aww, I wanted tongue!] His lust is so sincere.

(after the curtain raises to unveil the “An RKO Radio Picture” logo)
[What the fuck is a RKO?]
[a Really Kinky Orgy]

[Well, what the fuck is a radio picture?]
[a picture of a radio, duh]

[Then... what the fuck is an ‘an’?]
[an inde inite article, you moron!]

B. FANFARE/DON'T DREAM IT
[We love you, Lady Gaga!]
Frank: Whatever happened to [Saturday Night>] Fay Wray? [<] [She got fucked by a forty foot ape! Or and
drown in monkey spunk OR She went apeshit. OR she died.]
That delicate, satin-draped frame? [It was polyester!]
As it clung to her thigh [Like a homesick abortion]
How I started to cry [You’d cry too if you had a homesick abortion stuck to your thigh! OR I’d cry
too if I had a dead baby clung to my thigh!]
'cause I wanted to be dressed [By Sue Blane >] just the same [<] . [Kick! Kick! Kick that dick!]

Give yourself over to absolute pleasure. [Frank is so sexy, he gives the whole world an erection.]
Swim the warm waters of sins of the lesh. [What do you give the virgins?]
Erotic nightmares, beyond any measure [What do you give the veterans?]
And sensual daydreams to treasure [For how long?] forever. [What do you say to piss off Helen
Keller?]
Can't you just see it? Oh, oh, oh... oh!

Don't dream it, be it.

(as the smoke clears)[The Simpsons] (the opening jingle)

[*blows air to clear smoke* Waiter, there’s a transvestite in my soup! Don’t say it so loud, or
everyone will want one. Hey, I didn’t know the Titanic was a fairy boat. The Titanic’s the only thing Frank
hasn’t gone down on. Frank’s so gay he can’t even loat straight. OR That’s why the Titanic sunk; there
was a queer on board!]

All: Don't [drink it, Frank peed in it!>] dream it, be it.[<]

Scott: Ach! We've got to get [The fuck!] out of this trap (and into that pool) b efore this decadence saps
our wills. I've got to be strong [like a good little condom] , and try to hang on, [like a good little
condom] or else my
mind may well snap, [like a bad little condom] and my life will be lived... for the thrills!

[Last one in the pool has to be in the sequel! Sorry Nell!]

Brad: It's beyond me; help me Mommy!

Janet: God bless Lilly St. Cyr.

 C. WILD AND UNTAMED THING

Frank: [Hey Frank, who’s place is this? OR Who’s pool is this thirteen times in a row?] M
y, my, my, my,
my, my, my, my, [we heard you the irst time>] m
y, my, my, my...my![<]
I'm a wild and an untamed thing.
I'm a bee with a deadly sting.
You get a hit and your mind goes ping.
Your heart'll thump and your blood will sing. [Tiger blood!]
So let the party and the sounds rock on. [How do you jack-off twins?]
We're gonna shake it 'till the life has gone.
Rose tint my world, keep me safe from my trouble and pain.

All: We're a wild and an untamed thing.

We're bees with a deadly sting.
You get a hit and your mind goes ping.
Your heart'll thump and your blood will sing.
So let the party and the sounds rock on.
We're gonna shake it 'till the life has gone.
Rose tint my world, keep me safe from my trouble and pain.

We're a wild and an untamed thing.

We're bees with a deadly sting.
You get a hit and your mind goes ping.
Your heart'll thump and your blood will sing.
So let the party and the sounds rock on.
We're gonna shake it 'till the life has gone, gone, gone.
Rose tint my world, keep me safe from my trouble and pain.

Riff Raff: Frank N Furter, it's all over.

[This movie>] Your mission[<] is a failure;
Your [hairstyle’s>] lifestyle's [<] too extreme.
[I just fucked my sister] I 'm your new commander;
[You can pull my inger>OR you must smell my inger]] Y
ou now are my prisoner.[<]
[Return into my bedroom>] We return to Transylvania.[<]
[Prepare the vaseline! >OR Magenta start the car!>] Prepare the transit beam.[<] [I think I saw
some hairspray in the parking lot!]

Frank: Wait! [I have one more song in my contract! OR What do you say when Mom catches you fucking
the cat?] I can explain! [I’m fucking the cat, Ma!]

I'M GOING HOME

Frank: On the day I went away...

All: Goodbye...(sexual)

Frank: Was all I had to say...

All: Now I...(frank what do you say after you cum 69 times)

Frank: I want to come again, [and again, and again, and again] and stay.

All: Oh, my, my...

Frank: Smile, and that will mean I may.

'cause I've seen, [This movie, WAYYY too many times] oh, [Windows 95] blue skies
Through the tears in my eyes
And I realize, I'm going home.

All: I'm going home. (where have you been fucked)

Frank: Everywhere i(how was it) i t’s been the same

All: ...feeling...

Frank: [What’s it like when you have sex with R. Kelly?] or (what’s it like to masturbate into a ceiling
fan) ...like I'm outside in the rain...

All: ...wheeling...(how much are blow jobs tonight)

Frank: ...free to try and ind a game...

All: ...dealing... (describe s&m poker)

Frank: ...cards for sorrow, cards for pain.

'cause I've seen, [this movie, WAYYYY TOO MANY TIMES] oh, blue skies
Through the tears in my eyes
And I realize, I'm going home.

(when theatre patrons disappear from chairs): [show us what New Jersey looks like!]

Frank & All: I'm going home.

Magenta: How sentimental.

(you heartless bitch)
Riff Raff: And also presumptuous of you. You see, when I said WE were to
return to Transylvania , [I was speaking french] I referred only to Magenta and myself. [who the
fuck’s Magenter?] I'm
sorry, however, if you found my words misleading [Misleading? You fucking lied!] , but you see, you
are to remain here, in spirit, anyway.
Scott: Great heavens! That's a laser!

Riff Raff: Yes, Dr. Scott. A laser capable of emitting a beam of pure anti-
matter. [Then it doesn’t matter!]

Brad: You mean...you're going to kill him? What's his crime? [Mail Fraud! OR He raped you in the ass! OR
Homocide!]

Scott: You saw what became of Eddie. Society must be protected. (fuck society, it fucks you but use a
condom we don’t want 2)

Riff Raff: Exactly, Dr. Scott. And now, Frank N Furter, your time has come.
Say goodbye to all of this, [Goodbye, all of this!] and hello... to oblivion! [Hello Oblivion! How’s the
wife and my kids? Your wife, my kids; Sorry about the dog.]

[A twitch of the eye, a lick of the lips, irst one to scream gets hit in the tits!]

(after Columbia is shot) [Oh shit, that thing really works. Don’t taze me bro! Don’t taze me bro!]
Brad: Good God!

Janet: Oh! You killed them!

Magenta: But I thought you liked them. They liked you. [Why’s Magenta got a hard on!?]

Riff Raff: [Time to overreact OR Get PARANOID RIFF! Or GET EMO RIFF!] They didn't like me! [Get REAL
PARANOID RIF!F or GET DOUBLE PARANOID! or GET REAL EMO RIFF!] H e never liked ME! (that’s cuz you
got your hair done at dairy queen)

Scott: You did right. [You’ve got a little something brown on your nose, Dr. Scott. OR Brownnoser! Is that
a shitstain or a moustache? OR (Doing your best Mandy Patinkin impression) Someday, I will ind that
man in the wheelchair, and when I do, I will look him in the eye and say: “Hello, my name is Richard
O’Brien. You fucked up my movie. Prepare to die.”]

Riff Raff: A decision had to be made. [and you blew it!]

Scott: You're O.K. by me.

Riff Raff: Dr. Scott, I'm sorry about your nephew.

Scott: Eddie? Yes, well, perhaps it was all for the best, heh, heh, heh. (it was rather well done)

Riff: You should leave now, Dr. Scott, while it is still possible. (to do wheelies in the parking lot) We
0 are about to beam the entire house to the planet Transsexual, in
the galaxy of Transylvania. [in the province of {insert province here} OR in the state of {insert
state here}] Go... Now! Our noble mission is
completed, my most beautiful [Q-Tip>] sister[<] , and soon we shall return to
the moon-drenched shores of our beloved planet.
Magenta: [Read the cue cards on the ceiling, Magenta OR it’s on the ceiling, Magenta!.] A
h, sweet
Transsexual, land of night. To sing and dance once more
to your dark refrain.. . To take that - step, to the right...
[Oh no, the movie’s starting over!]
Both: HAH!!

Riff Raff: But it's the pelvic THRUST...

Transylvanians: That drives you insane! [Damn those acid lashbacks!]

Magenta: And our world...will do the Time Warp...again!

As the castle is beamed up: [Somewhere, over the rainbow, castles ly O

R does this mean we can’t use your
phone?]

SUPER HEROES

Brad: I've done a lot [of anal sex OR of sucking cock OR of little boys] ; God knows I've tried [anal sex OR
to fuck little boys]
To ind the truth [about anal sex OR about little boys] . I've even lied. [about having anal sex]
But all I know [about anal sex] is down inside I'm
[My ass is]
All: Bleeding... [Someone get this man a tampon!]
[And now, presenting, Janet in Cats!]
Janet: [Meow meow meow meow meow>] And super heroes [<][Stumble, Stumble, Fall!] [Meow meow
meow meow>] come to the feast [<][Stumble, Stumble, Fall!]
To taste the lesh[Stumble, Stumble, Don’t Fall!] not yet deceased. [Stumble, Stumble, sit bitch!]
And all I know is still the beast is

All: Feeding...
Ahh, ahh... [*sings* You can’t always get what you want... You can’t always get what you want... Oh
no! Stop the world, I wanna get off!] [*camera swings back to Brad* My slut! I can’t ind my slut! *camera
swings back to Janet* My asshole! I can’t ind my asshole! *camera moves over to Dr. Scott* My legs! I
still can’t feel my legs!]

[When Crim stops the spinning globe with his hand: “Oh my God, you killed Kenya! You bastards!]

Narrator: And crawling [Where?] on the planet's face [What did you have for breakfast?]
Some insects [What were they called? OR Crim, why’s your phone bill so high!?] called the human
race...

Lost in time, [What your favorite shitty movie?] a nd lost in space, [Ours is the Rocky Horror
Picture Show! OR What does this movie completely lack?]
And meaning.
[Once more for the virgins with angels]
All: Meaning.
[Don’t forget to turn your globe off! Hey, Crim, sir, you left your globe on! Sir!!]
[No wonder we have an energy crisis, he left the world on!]
[Why is Australia purple? You’d be purple too if you’d been down under that long!]


SCIENCE FICTION/DOUBLE FEATURE - REPRISE

Usherette: Science Fiction

Double Feature.
Frank has built and
Lost his creature.
Darkness has conquered
Brad and Janet.
The servants gone to
A distant planet.
Wo, oh, oh, oh.
At the late night, double feature,
Picture show.
I want to go, oh, oh, oh.
To the late night, double feature,
Picture show.

[Cast: We’ve made you laugh, we’ve made you cry, we’ve made you kiss two hours goodbye. But now it’s
time to get the fuck out!]
*****