Essay 7231 Writing Correction Task 2
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yousef shabanEssay 7231 Writing Correction Task 2
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yousef shabanThere is no doubt that these days many businesses tend to accept many employees without
good qualifications, promoting numerous children to become interested in having paid work. Commented [ielts1]: relevant (The word choice is
Some people think that it is completely wrong to provide children with work. While others inappropriate, so appropriate replacement has been
believe that jobs can support children by giving them worthy experience and letting them provided.)
understand their responsibility at a small age. In this essay, I am going to discuss both views and
draw my personal conclusion. Commented [ielts2]: reasons to offer (1) The word usage
is not correct in this context, so omit it. Revise edit. Thanks
In terms of first side of views , people who completely disagree with children’s occupation in 2) The expression was inadequate in expressing your views;
paid work have several opinions. Firstly, children should complete their studies without any so, it has been rephrased. The replaced expression is a way
better expression, as it explains the things properly)
disturbance. If children have paid jobs, they might not strive to study hard and obtain high
grades. In one research paper, they motioned that there are 70% of children who have paid
Commented [ielts3]: For instance, it was found in one
work do not exert any effort in schools. The main reason given to support this claim was that research paper (This expression is ambiguous here; so, it has
most kids believe that money is enough to live a luxurious life. Besides, children think that they been rephrased to impart clarity to the expression.)
can get into professional careers in the future after they have gained experience from their paid
jobs. Another opinion it that, children might come to know about new bad friends, who work Commented [ielts4]: (These words are superfluous and
incorrect to be used here; so, omit it.)
with them in the same job, and these friends might be able to affect their behavior negatively.
Commented [ielts5]: is (Write in accordance with simple
However, paid jobs play a pivotal role in the development and personality formation of present tense here, since you are talking about things in
children. To illustrate, children with jobs might be stricter about time because they may always general here.)
be afraid of losing attendance. So, they are going to learn time management to prevent their Please explore the link below :-
https://www.grammarly.com/blog/simple-present/
salaries from getting reduced. In addition, while working, children are going to take the
responsibility for many issues. Thus, in the future, they become experts in taking responsibility
Commented [ielts6]: believed (Write in accordance with
for their children and homes. Moreover, they might have compassion for their parents. simple past tense since you are talking about the past
Furthermore, all these statements clear to us why some people are defenders of child labor. situation.)
For better understanding please explore the link given
below:-
In conclusion, child labor in paid work is a controversial issue at this time. In my opinion, I https://learnenglish.britishcouncil.org/english-grammar-
believe that parents have to protect children from getting jobs in these ages due to the reference/past-tense
negative consequences they might face in the future.
Commented [ielts7]: was (Please relate to comment 6.
361 words Thanks )
Commented [ielts8]: getting late to work (The expression
is not convincing/ appealing. So, rephrasing has been done
to improve the structure and make it more meaningful and
impressive. Thanks)
Evaluation:
Commented [ielts9]: follow the rules of the workplace
Great Job, you did pretty well! and work efficiently. (The expression is not convincing/
appealing. So, rephrasing has been done to improve the
structure and make it more meaningful and impressive. ... [1]
Your estimated score is:
Commented [ielts10]: make it (These words have been
added to complete the expression; else the expression
remains incomplete).
Cohesion and
Overall Task Response Vocabulary Grammar
Coherence
Commented [ielts11]: at this formative age (This noun
should come in singular form in this context.)
6.5 7.5 7.0 6.0 6.0
Note: It is a promising attempt; keep it up! Thanks
What you have done really well:
1. Paragraphing is properly managed.
2. It is a very good response, just improve upon the edits. Thanks
What you can improve:
1. Improve upon mistakes pertaining to verb/ tense usage.
2. Improve upon mistakes pertaining to word choice and word formation.
3. Make sure you write logical and meaningful expressions.
All these points have been explained in comments. So, revise all the related comments. Thanks
Finally, always remember that practice makes you perfect! So, keep it up!
Regards,
Sachin
Your IELTS Writing Examiner
13+ years of experience correcting IELTS writing tasks.
[email protected]
Page 1: [1] Commented [ielts9] IELTS 4/22/20 9:25:00 PM
follow the rules of the workplace and work efficiently. (The expression is not convincing/ appealing. So, rephrasing
has been done to improve the structure and make it more meaningful and impressive. Thanks)
