I Was a Rat!

I Was a Rat! was first presented by Seattle Children’s Theatre for the 2008-2009 season. All Rights Reserved.
ACT ONE

THE NEWSBOY IS HAWKING PAPERS.

NEWSBOY
Extra, extra, read all about it! Prince Richard to be married. Extra, extra!
TO A GENTLEMAN :
Paper, mister?
THE MAN PAYS FOR HIS PAPER, GOES.

READER (PHILOSOPHER ROYAL)

―It happened at the ball! At midnight last night the Palace announced the engagement of His
Royal Highness Prince Richard to the Lady Aurelia Ashington....‖ Well, well, it‘s about time...

AS HE GOES OFF, A LADY READING THE PAPER ENTERS.

READER (DIRECTOR OF LOST CHILDREN)

―It is understood that the royal wedding will be celebrated very soon.‖
SHE EAGERLY TURNS THE PAGE.
―It was like something out of a fairy tale: the charming prince and the lovely young girl.‖—
never heard of her—―only had eyes for each other as they waltzed...‖

AS SHE EXITS (READING) THE LIGHTS COME UP ON BOB AND

JOAN IN THE INTIMACY OF THEIR KITCHEN. SHE IS READING
ALOUD TO HIM AS HE COBBLES. HE IS WORKING ON A DAINTY
PAIR OF SCARLET SLIPPERS.

JOAN
―...Something out of a fairy tale: the charming prince and the lovely young girl only had eyes for
each other.‖ Well, isn‘t that nice, Bob? This time I hope it‘s the real thing for the prince.

BOB
Let‘s hope so—it‘s about time. Now could you turn to the sports page? I‘ve had about all the
romance I can take for one day.

JOAN
How you coming with that cobbling?

BOB
Slowly. Come on, love, read the latest rugby scores.

I Was a Rat! by Barbara Field 1

 JOAN
Hold on, I‘ll look. Who are you making them little shoes for?

BOB
For no one. For fun.

JOAN
Red slippers? And they‘re so small no one will be able to squeeze into them.

BOB
But they‘re pretty, en‘t they?

JOAN
It‘s a waste of time, Bob. Speaking of which it‘s getting on toward bed time—

THERE IS A SHARP RAP AT THE FRONT DOOR.

JOAN
What‘s that then?

BOB
Was it someone knocking?

JOAN
At this hour?

BOB
What‘s the time?

JOAN
Near ten—
ANOTHER RAP, LOUDER. BOB TAKES UP A CANDLE.

BOB
I‘d best go see who it is.
BOB OPENS THE DOOR.
OUTSIDE STANDS A LITTLE BOY DRESSED IN LIVERY.
HIS JACKET IS TATTERED AND SOILED, AND HIS WHITE WIG IS
ASKEW AND WILDLY UNTIDY. HE IS SCRATCHED AND DIRTY.
AND SCARED.

BOB
Bless my soul!

I Was a Rat! by Barbara Field 2

 JOAN
He must be lost.

BOB
Who are you?

BOY
I was a rat.

JOAN
What did he say? (TO THE BOY:) What did you say?

BOY
I was a rat.

JOAN
You were a—go on with you! Where do you live? What‘s your name?

BOY
I was a rat.
BOB AND JOAN LOOK AT EACH OTHER, BEWILDERED.

BOB
Well I never!

JOAN
It‘s freezing out there. (TO THE BOY:) You‘d best come inside.
THEY DRAG HIM IN AND SEAT HIM BY THE FIRE.
He‘s shivering, poor thing..
SHE FETCHES A SHAWL, WRAPS IT AROUND HIM.

BOB
What shall we do about this?

JOAN
Feed him, he looks like he‘s starving. My mother used to make us bread and milk at night before
we went to bed.

BOB
That sounds like just the thing, eh?
WHILE JOAN FETCHES MILK IN A BOWL AND BREAKS BREAD INTO
IT, SETTING IT ON THE TABLE:
Now, lad, what‘s your name?

I Was a Rat! by Barbara Field 3

 BOY
Haven‘t got a name.

BOB
Everyone‘s got a name. My name is Bob, and that‘s Joan. You sure you haven‘t got a name?

BOY
I lost it. Forgot it. I was a rat.

BOB
I see. (HE DOESN‘T) You got a nice uniform on. I expect you‘re in some kind of service, are
you?
THE BOY LOOKS DOWN AT HIS LIVERY.

BOY
Dunno. Dunno what that means.

BOB
In service means being someone‘s servant. Having a master or mistress, you run errands for
‗em. Page boys like you, they usually ride along with the master or mistress in a coach.

BOY
I done that! I was a good page boy, I done everything right.

JOAN
Course you did.

JOAN SETS THE BOWL OF BREAD AND MILK IN FRONT OF THE

BOY, HANDS HIM A SPOON, WHICH HE IGNORES. INSTEAD HE
PUTS HIS FACE INTO THE BOWL DIRECTLY, AND SLURPS UP THE
FOOD.

BOB
Hold on, there—

JOAN
Hey, what‘s that? Dear oh dear, use the spoon, that‘s what it‘s for.

THE BOY FINALLY LIFTS HIS FACE, PUZZLED. JOAN HOLDS UP

THE SPOON.

I Was a Rat! by Barbara Field 4

JOAN
The spoon? He don‘t know anything, poor lad. This is a spoon. Come to the sink and we‘ll
wash you, grubby hands and all.

THE BOY STICKS HIS FACE BACK INTO THE BOWL.

BOY
That‘s nice, I like that....

BOB
It‘ll still be here when you come back. I‘ll look after it for you.
JOAN LEADS HIM TO THE WASH TUB, GIVES HIM A GOOD
HANDS-AND-FACE SCRUB. THE BOY KEEPS LOOKING BACK AT
BOB TO BE SURE HE ISN‘T EATING THE FOOD.

JOAN
Come here.

BOB
I told you. I won‘t touch your food.

JOAN
There, you look better. Now you be a good boy and eat with the spoon. I‘m surprised they
didn‘t teach you better manners when you was a page boy.

BOY
I was a rat.

JOAN
Rats don‘t have manners, but boys do. You say ‗thank you‘ when someone gives you
something.

BOY
Thank you.

BOB
Good. Now I‘ll teach you to eat with the spoon.

BOY
Spoom.

BOB
Spoon. You hold it so, and bring it to your mouth.

I Was a Rat! by Barbara Field 5

 THE BOY MAKES SEVERAL LAME ATTEMPTS. BUT HE MANAGES
TO EAT THE REST OF HIS FOOD.

BOY
Thank you.

BOB
Well done. Now I‘ll show you how to wash your bowl and spoon.
THEY CROSS TO THE SINK.
You know how old you are?

BOY
Yes. I‘m three weeks old, I am.

BOB
Three weeks?!

BOY
Yes, and I‘ve got two brothers and three sisters the same age, three weeks. I en‘t seen
them in a long time.

JOAN
How long?

BOY
Days.

BOB
And where‘s your mother and father?

BOY
Under the ground.
BOB AND JOAN LOOK AT EACH OTHER.

BOB
That‘s sad.

JOAN
Oh, the poor tyke, he‘s an orphan.

BOB
Parents dead and buried—

THE BOY HAS TAKEN A BITE OUT OF THE NEWSPAPER, THEN, AS

HE CHEWS, LOOKS AT THE REST OF IT.

I Was a Rat! by Barbara Field 6

 BOY
Look here, it‘s Mary Jane!

BOB
Her name‘s not Mary Jane. She‘s gonna marry the prince. That en‘t the kind of name they give
princesses.

JOAN
I think you‘re confused, lad. Bob, we‘ll have to make up a bed for him. (TO THE BOY) I
think you could do with a bit of rest. Tomorrow we‘ll find your proper home.

BOY
Thank you.
JOAN STARTS READYING A BED.

JOAN
Here‘s one of Bob‘s old nightshirts, you can take off that dirty jacket and wear this.
SHE HANDS ROGER THE SHIRT, TAKES HIS JACKET. HE
DISAPPEARS INTO THE AREA THAT‘S BEEN MADE UP AS HIS BED.

BOB
Meanwhile, we‘ll have to call you something.

BOY
Something.

BOB
A proper name...like Kaspar, or....Jeremiah...or Alban—

JOAN
Roger! I think we should call him Roger.

BOB
Lovely name, Roger. You always fancied it. Well, it‘s only for tonight. Can‘t do no harm.
(TO BOY) We‘ll give you the name Roger.

BOY
Thank you.

JOAN SINGS TO HIM

JOAN

I Was a Rat! by Barbara Field 7

―Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the lord my soul to keep,
If I should die before I wake, I pray the lord my soul to take...‖

ROGER
Thank you.
BOB AND JOAN LOOK AT EACH OTHER. JOAN PULLS THE
CURTAINS CLOSED AROUND THE BED.

BOB
What are we going to do with him? He might be a wild boy.

JOAN
If the poor tyke had a mum, she‘d be worried to death by now.

BOB
He might have been abandoned as a baby and brung up by wolves. Or rats. I read about a boy
like that last week, in the Daily Scourge—

JOAN
Stuff and nonsense. That newspaper—that rag, the Daily Scourge, prints nothing but rubbish.

BOB
You read it too.

JOAN
Only the news about the royal family.

BOB
He told us, you heard him. ‗I was a rat,‘ he said.

JOAN
Rats don‘t wear page boy uniforms. Nor can they speak.

THEY START TO EXIT.

BOB
He could‘ve learned to speak by listening through the walls.

JOAN
Nonsense.

BOB
He could‘ve stole that jacket off a washing line.
SHE KISSES HIM ON THE PATE.

I Was a Rat! by Barbara Field 8

 JOAN
You‘re a silly old man.

BOB
And you‘re a soft-hearted old lady....

BY NOW THEY‘RE OFF. LIGHT CHANGE. MORNING.

JOAN ENTERS, PUTS THE KETTLE ON THE HOB. SHE GOES TO

ROGER‘S BED AREA, PULLS OPEN THE CURTAINS AND SCREAMS.
ROGER IS LYING IN WHAT WAS A BED. IT‘S MORE LIKE A NEST,
NOW, WITH FEATHERS ALL OVER, AND RIPPED SHEETS. HE IS
FAST ASLEEP.

JOAN
Bob, wake up! Come in here!

BOB ENTERS, HALF ASLEEP.

BOB
What—? Look at that mess, will you? Looks like a fox got into the henhouse.

JOAN
Roger, Roger, wake up! What have you done?
HE WAKES UP INSTANTLY, CHEERFULLY.

ROGER
I‘m hungry again.

JOAN
Look what you‘ve done! What were you thinking of?

ROGER
(VERY PROUD:) Yes, it was an hard job, but I done it. There‘s lots more that needs to be torn
up, but I‘ll do that after breakfast.

JOAN
No, no, you won‘t! You shouldn‘t tear things up. Now I‘ll have to sew them all back together.
Dear oh dear!

BOB
Did you do that because you was a rat?
ROGER NODS.

I Was a Rat! by Barbara Field 9

 JOAN
Never mind what he was, it‘s what he is now that matters. Roger, you can‘t tear things up like
that, do you understand?

BOB
Know what you say when you‘ve upset someone?
ROGER SHAKES HIS HEAD.
You say ‗I‘m sorry.‘

ROGER
I‘m sorry.

JOAN
Well, you‘ll know better next time. Let‘s get you some breakfast. Then we‘ve got to find out
where you come from. Someone must be missing you, and you can‘t stay here.

ROGER
But I want to stay here in your nest.

NEWSBOY
(OFF:) Extra, extra!

BOB
There‘s clever folk in City Hall, they‘ll know where you belong.

JOAN
Come along, love.

LIGHTS FADE ON BOB AND JOAN‘S HOUSE.

NEWSBOY
Extra, extra, read the exclusive interview with Prince Richard, in today‘s Daily Scourge.
How he met the Princess, page 3. How it feels to be in love, page 11. Extra!

READER (DIR. OF LOST CHILDREN)

For a fact file on the playboy Prince‘s previous girlfriends turn to pages 4, 5 and 6.

READER (PHILOSOPHER ROYAL)

―‗I‘ve never seen him so in love,‘ said a close friend of the Prince.‖

A SIGN APPEARS. IT SAYS ―BUREAU OF LOST CHILDREN.‖

I Was a Rat! by Barbara Field 10

 A LADY SITS AT A DESK.
BOB AND JOAN ENTER WITH ROGER IN TOW.

BOB
―Bureau of Lost Children.‖ Properly speaking, we oughter go to the Office of Found Children,
because this here is a found child.

JOAN
(GIGGLING:) Oh Bob, you‘re a silly old man!

DIRECTOR OF LOST CHILDREN (DLC)

(ALL BUSINESS:) Tell me the details.

BOB
Well, it‘s like this...last night there was a knock at the door and....

AS BOB EXPLAINS (SILENTLY) TO THE LADY, ROGER EYES A CUP

OF PENCILS ON HER DESK. HE NICKS ONE, TAKES A BITE. IT
TASTES GOOD.

DLC
Our records are very thorough. There are no lost children in the city at the moment—

BOB
But what about found children? (JOAN LAUGHS AT HIS WIT.)

DLC
In this department we only deal with lost ones. Have you asked him where he came from? He
must have said something?

JOAN
―I was a rat.‖

DLC
I‘m trying to help you, though it‘s not my job. You, boy—
BOB, JOAN AND THE LADY TURN TO ROGER.
THE PENCIL IS DOWN TO A STUMP.

JOAN
Child, what have you been doing?

ROGER
Tastes good. Thank you.

I Was a Rat! by Barbara Field 11

 DLC
That was the property of the City Council. I shall have to ask you to pay for it!
Bad boy!
BOB ANTES UP A COIN, AND ROGER REALIZES HE‘S DONE
SOMETHING WRONG.

ROGER
I‘m sorry.

BOB
He don‘t know where he came from. He said he was a rat. ―I was a rat,‖ he said.

DLC

I don‘t have the time to waste on such foolishness. Good morning!

BOB
Frankly speaking, you en‘t been much help, lady. Good day to you.
HE GRABS ROGER‘S HAND, THEY START TO GO.

BOB
Up, up, up.

ROGER
En‘t I going to stay there?

BOB
No.

ROGER
Is that because I‘m a bad boy?

JOAN
You‘re not a bad boy. But you do have a peculiar appetite.

BOB
You can‘t go eating other folks‘ property, can you?
THEY WALK INTO THE STREET.

JOAN
Look across the road, there, Bob, that‘s the orphanage.

BOB

I Was a Rat! by Barbara Field 12

Shall we take him there....?

JOAN
Yes, maybe we should....let‘s take a look.
THEY TAKE A GOOD LOOK.

BOB
Joan? I got a feeling....

JOAN
Me too. And I can smell the sour cabbage from over here.

BOB
Lots of the windows are broke—the rain must come inside in bad weather.

JOAN
Listen, I think I hear someone crying inside.
THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER FOR A MOMENT.

BOB AND JOAN

No. No orphanage.
THE TRIO MOVES ON.

BOB
Well then?

JOAN
Perhaps we‘d better go to the police station.
THE DUTY SERGEANT SITS AT A DESK (A HIGHER DESK THAN THE
LOST-CHILDREN LADY‘S).

SERGEANT
Well?

BOB
We found a little boy last night. He don‘t know where he come from, so we thought we ought to
bring him here.

ROGER
I do know where I come from. I come from down under the market. There‘s a broken gutter
under the cheese stall, and we had a nest there. I was a rat.

SERGEANT
You know there‘s such an offense as wasting police time.

I Was a Rat! by Barbara Field 13

 BOB
No, he‘s confused is all.

SERGEANT
Name?

BOB
He‘s forgotten his name—probably had a bang on the head.

ROGER
I know it now. It‘s Roger.

SERGEANT
Surname?

ROGER
My surname?...is Sur Roger....

SERGEANT
What this boy needs is a good education...with discipline!

JOAN
School? Why didn‘t we think of that? Fortunately it‘s round the corner—hey there—
ROGER HAS TAKEN A PENCIL FROM THE SERGEANT‘S DESK, IS
TRYING TO RESIST EATING IT.
No, Roger, give that back to the policeman, you can‘t eat it.
THE TRIO LEAVES IN A HURRY, THE SERGEANT LOOKS AFTER
THEM, PUZZLED.

READER (CRIBBINS)
―Palace News. To celebrate the royal marriage, a spectacular redecoration of the palace will take
place!‖

READER (MARTHA TAPSCREW)

―Item. Police announced the discovery of a lost boy, who turned up in the market district,
claiming to be a rat. Anyone missing a small boy—or a large rat—contact Sergeant
Higgenbottom at...‖ Hmmmm…

JOAN LEADS ROGER TO SCHOOL.

JOAN
You look as clean as a whistle, Roger, and I‘m very proud of you for not eating up your

I Was a Rat! by Barbara Field 14

bedclothes last night.

ROGER
Thank you. Is this the school?

JOAN
Indeed it is.

ROGER
Will it be fun?

JOAN
Oh yes, you‘ll be with other boys and girls. You‘ll find someone to play with. Here is Miss
Cribbins‘s class room.

THREE CHILDREN SIT ON THE BENCH (PROBABLY IN

SILHOUETTE). MISS CRIBBINS PACES WITH A LONG POINTER IN
HER HAND. SHE INSPECTS ROGER.

CRIBBINS
So this is the new boy. Attention, class. Welcome our new student. Name?

ROGER
Roger.

CRIBBINS
How old are you, Roger?

ROGER
Three weeks.
THE KIDS LAUGH.

CRIBBINS
Don‘t be silly, that‘s not a good way to start here.

JOAN
He‘s lost his memory, poor lamb.

CRIBBINS
You may leave now, madam. He‘s in good hands.

ROGER

I Was a Rat! by Barbara Field 15

Joan—?

JOAN
You‘ll be fine. Bye, Roger.
JOAN LEAVES RELUCTANTLY.

CRIBBINS
(TO ROGER:) Sit down. Now class, take out your pencils.
THE CHILDREN TAKE OUT THEIR PENCILS. ROGER
LOOKS AT THEM, LICKS HIS LIPS.

ROGER
Are we going to eat now?
TO HIS SURPRISE THEY BEGIN TO WRITE. TO A BOY:
What are you doing?

BOY
Blimey, you‘re dull!

ROGER (HE LAUGHS)

But that‘s funny.

CRIBBINS
What‘s so funny, new boy?

ROGER
They‘re makin‘ lines with their food. You‘re supposed to eat it!

CRIBBINS
Stop that nonsense, boy! Go stand in the corner.
ROGER OBLIGES, WAVES AT HIS NEW FRIENDS. MISS CRIBBINS
TURNS HIM AROUND TO FACE THE WALL.

ROGER
Thank you.

CRIBBINS
Class? Three plus seven.
THE CHILDREN WRITE.
Sixteen minus four.
THEY WRITE. ROGER SMILES.

I Was a Rat! by Barbara Field 16

Two times seven—
ONE OF THE CHILDREN HITS ROGER WITH A RUBBER BAND.

ROGER
Ow!

CRIBBINS
I‘m warning you, one more piece of nonsense and I‘ll send you to the Headmaster‘s office.
Now, class: nine plus eight—
ANOTHER RUBBER BAND.

ROGER
Ow–e—they hurt me!
CRIBBINS HEADS TOWARD HIM WITH THE POINTER.

CRIBBINS
I‘ll teach you to disrupt the class, I‘ll—
SHE STARTS TO BEAT HIM, BUT HE GRABS HOLD OF HER HAND
AND SINKS HIS TEETH INTO IT.
Ow! Let go, you animal—
THEY STRUGGLE.
I‘ll get you, you little brat—

SHE MANAGES TO BREAK LOOSE, HEADS TOWARD HIM WITH THE

POINTER. SCARED, HE STARTS TO RUN.

RUBBER BAND BOY

Look at him go, he‘s running away!
CHEERS FROM THE CHILDREN.

ROGER RUNS. CRIBBINS CHASES HIM, BUT ISN‘T FAST ENOUGH.

SHE GIVES UP. ROGER RUNS AND RUNS.
THE CLASS ROOM GOES OFF.

LOOKING BEHIND HIM, ROGER CRIES AND TREMBLES AS HE

GOES. DOGS BARK IN THE BACKGROUND. HE REACHES THE
MARKET, AND DUCKS UNDER A GREENGROCER‘S STALL,
OVERTURNING THE TRESTLES. TURNIPS ROLL EVERYWHERE.
ROGER SHRIEKS, AND IS NABBED BY THE POLICE SERGEANT.

I Was a Rat! by Barbara Field 17

 SERGEANT
What‘s this, what‘s this? I know you! Born troublemaker you are. Good thing I kept a record
of your address. Come with me.

THE SERGEANT, ROGER IN TOW, KNOCKS AT THE DOOR. BOB

OPENS IT.

SERGEANT
(TO BOB) I told you he was trouble.

BOB
What‘s he done? Last thing I knew, he was in school.

SERGEANT
Well he en‘t any more. Mayhem, riot, criminal damage—
ROGER RUNS TO EMBRACE BOB.

ROGER
I wouldn‘t have got scared if the teacher hadn‘t hit me with a bloomin‘ stick—

BOB
Sergeant, this en‘t a desperate criminal, it‘s a little boy who thinks he used to be a rat. You en‘t
going to use the whole majesty of the law to punish a little boy for a bit of mischief, are you?

SERGEANT
What about the damage to the turnip stall?

BOB
I suppose I‘ll have to pay. Make up an account and send it to me. But I‘m not a rich man,
understand.

SERGEANT
Rats don‘t belong in decent society. They ought to be exterminated!
HE GLARES AT ROGER.
And if you cross my path again you‘ll be in terrible trouble. Don‘t you forget it.
HE GOES.

JOAN
That teacher was evil.

I Was a Rat! by Barbara Field 18

 BOB
Here, lad, stop quaking, you‘re safe with us.
BOB HUGS ROGER.

JOAN
I‘m going to make you a bubble and squeak…Toad in a hole?...

ROGER
I don‘t like toads.

JOAN
Toasted cheese? Lovely.

BOB
My mum used to bake us ginger snaps.

ROGER
Snaps!

BOB
They‘re a kind of cookie, a biscuit, all sweet and spicy, and they crunch.

ROGER
Crunch!

BOB
That might be better than gnawing on a pencil, right?

ROGER
Right. I like it here.

BOB
Me too.
LIGHTS FADE ON BOB AND JOAN‘S HOUSE.

TAPSCREW (READING NEWSPAPER)

―The Daily Scourge has learned that the Rat Boy has been taken to the laboratory of the
Philosopher Royal for scientific study. Is he a boy? Is he a rat? Is he dangerous? Stay tuned
for the results of the study.‖ Curious....

BOB DELIVERING ROGER TO THE PHILOSOPHER ROYAL AT THE

PALACE. AN EXAMINATION TABLE, A FEW LARGE, COMPLICATED
INSTRUMENTS OF GLASS AND BRASS. ROGER LOOKS AROUND,

I Was a Rat! by Barbara Field 19

 WIDE-EYED, BOB HOVERS, THE PHILOSOPHER LOOKS SUPERIOR.

BOB
You‘re not going to hurt him?

PHILOSOPHER
Certainly not! I‘m just going to make some tests, you know. It‘s of great philosophical
importance to see how a human child has reacted to living among rats.

BOB
He‘s a lovely little feller, for all his chewing—

ROGER IS AT THAT MOMENT CHEWING AWAY AT A NOTEBOOK

CHEERFULLY.

BOB
So be sure you take care of him proper, and make sure he gets back home to us.

PHIL.
He‘ll be home in time for supper.
BOB GOES. PHIL. TURNS HIS ATTENTION TO ROGER. HE
REMOVES THE NOTEBOOK FROM ROGER‘S CLUTCHES.
And that notebook isn’t your supper.

ROGER
I been to this palace before.

PHIL.
You don‘t say.

ROGER
Oh yes, I slid down the banisters. I come here with Mary Jane.

PHIL. WRITES IN HIS BOOK:

PHIL.
―Delusiona..‖ Now, Roger, let‘s do some mental tests. What is two and three?

ROGER
Two and three what?

PHIL

I Was a Rat! by Barbara Field 20

Well, if you have two things, and you add three more things, how much have you got?

ROGER
Depends. If they‘re really little things you still wouldn‘t have very much, but if they‘re really
big things you couldn‘t even carry them.

PHIL.
I see. What‘s half of four?

ROGER
Cheese. Cheddar. Quarter of four‘s Cheddar too. Quarter of five would be blue cheese—

PHIL.
(WRITING) Primitive arithmetic sense.

ROGER
People come to the cheese stall and they ask for half a pound of number four. And that‘s
Cheddar. Or a quarter pound of number five—that‘s blue cheese. I like blue cheese, it‘s got
worms in it. Only sometimes they say ―half‖ instead of ―half a pound‖, that‘s how I knew what
you meant. You got to keep your wits about you.

PHIL.
Oh indeed. And now I‘m going to ask you some simple questions about the world we live in.
What is the name of the Prince?

ROGER
Dunno. But I know the name of who the Prince is going to marry. She‘s called Mary Jane.

PHIL.
Mary Jane? No, sorry, she‘s called Aurelia. Lady Aurelia Ashington.

ROGER
You can call her that name, but I always call her Mary Jane.

PHIL.
(WRITES) ―Cannot distinguish truth from fantasy.‖

ROGER
Excuse me, but you see that rope?
HE NODS AT THE BELL-PULL.
There‘s a loose bit of thread at the bottom, that could be dangerous, someone could trip over it
and get hurt. So maybe I ought to chew it off, just that little bit of thread, so...?

I Was a Rat! by Barbara Field 21

 PHIL.
Why not? (WRITES) ―Gross and unnatural appetites.‖
AS ROGER NIBBLES, THE THREAD PULLS OUT MORE AND MORE,
AND HE CONTINUES TO EAT BLISSFULLY.
I gather that rats will eat anything. But, I wonder, what might eat a rat? (CALLS) Bluebottle?
Come here, Bluebottle. Here kitty, kitty, kitty.

BLUEBOTTLE THE CAT ENTERS (EITHER IN SILHOUETTE OR

CARRIED BY THE PHILOSOPHER). ROGER LOOKS UP FROM HIS
SNACK, SEES THE CAT, SCREAMS AND DIVES OUT THE WINDOW.

PHIL
Where did he go? ―Paranoid delusions with persecution complex....‖

ROGER RUNS. AND RUNS. AND RUNS AS:

ROGER
Breadspoonbobjoanspoomthankyou...

LIGHT CHANGE.

JOAN
Whatcha doin‘ out in the road, love?

BOB
Getting‘ a breath of air. (BEAT) Lookin‘ for Roger.

JOAN
He‘ll turn up any time now.

BOB
And he‘ll be hungry as a horse! Or a rat!

JOAN
Bob!

BOB
I was just makin‘ a joke, love.

JOAN
Well I’ve made a Shepherd‘s Pie.

BOB
Smells lovely. My favorite!

I Was a Rat! by Barbara Field 22

 JOAN
But it‘s getting‘ dark! Where is he? It‘s getting past supper time!
THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER IN ALARM.

BOB
He‘ll turn up. He‘ll turn up.

THE BLACK HORSE TAVERN. CHARLIE, THE PUB OWNER IS

SERVING A PINT TO MR. OLIVER TAPSCREW.

CHARLIE
Cheers, mate.

TAPSCREW
Cheers. Fine weather we‘re having.

CHARLIE
Fine indeed.

TAPSCREW
Lots of sunshine.

CHARLIE
The sun‘s very nice.

TAPSCREW
Tell me, mate, have you heard tell of an odd story going round? Something about a rat? You
ever heard anything like that?

CHARLIE
No. I used to be plagued by them here outside the pub, the filthy creatures. But the Mayor
called in an exterminator. They exterminated everything in sight: rats, mice, cockroaches, fleas,
lice—you name it. Clean as a whistle here now.

TAPSCREW
But they can‘t really exterminate them, rats and like. They‘re cunning. I shouldn‘t wonder if
there‘s a race of super-rats down in them sewers. With fangs, like that!

CHARLIE
Oh, you must mean that rat-boy!

I Was a Rat! by Barbara Field 23

 TAPSCREW
You‘ve seen him?

CHARLIE.
Don‘t know, but I seen a boy running down the alley out there, looking furtive. Say, what‘s it
to you?

TAPSCREW
My name is Mr....I mean Professor Tapscrew. I run a side show—I mean a ―Scientific
Exhibition.‖ Thanks for the pint.
HE DROPS A COUPLE OF PENCE, BOLTS.

LIGHTS FADE ON THE PUB, ROGER IS RUNNING. HE LEAPS OVER

BOXES AND PILES OF JUNK AND CARTS. TAPSCREW SEES HIM.
ROGER FINALLY SINKS NEXT TO AN OLD DUST BIN AND
TAPSCREW NABS HIM.

TAPSCREW
I wonder, by any chance, you might happen to be the boy who used to be a rat?

ROGER
Yes, only now I‘m a—

TAPSCREW
Good. Excellent. Come along with me like a good boy.

ROGER
Are you taking me to Bob and Joan?

TAPSCREW
Absolutely.

ROGER
Thank you.
HE HOLDS OUT HIS HAND, ROGER TAKES IT AND THEY GO.

BOB AND JOAN POUND ON THE DOOR OF THE PHILOSOPHER

ROYAL. THEY ARE VERY WORRIED AND CROSS. THE
PHILOSOPHER ROYAL HAS BEEN SLEEPING.

PHIL

I Was a Rat! by Barbara Field 24

Oh, you. I was just—

JOAN
Where‘s our Roger? What did you do to him?!

PHIL.
Nothing, madam. I gave him tests, many tests. I proved quite clearly that the boy is deranged—
crazy. A psychotic personality disorder combined with fantasy-identification with figures of
glamour, common among the lower classes....

BOB
I don‘t understand a word of that. You promised to bring him back home and you didn‘t. What
time did he leave?

PHIL.
About three o‘clock—through the window—

JOAN
Someone ought to smack you, but it wouldn‘t do no good— (TO BOB) Where to now?
THEY START TO GO.

BOB
Don‘t know.

JOAN
We aren‘t going to give up, though, are we, Bob?

BOB
You‘re a silly old woman. Of course not.

JOAN
Roger, Roger where can you be?

BOB
Roger—weren‘t that the name we‘d have given our boy if we‘d ever had one?

JOAN
Aye.

BOB
We‘ll find him, no matter how long it takes. But I‘m blessed if I know where to start.

I Was a Rat! by Barbara Field 25

 BOB & JOAN
Roger! Roger! Roger!

JOAN
This racket will scare him to death!

BOB
Roger!

THEY EXIT.

A LARGE BANNER PROCLAIMS ―PROFESSOR TAPSCREW‘S

AMAZING RAT-BOY! THE WONDER OF THE AGES!‖ MARTHA
(MRS. T.) IS SEWING ON A RAT COSTUME, THE PROFESSOR IS
CRITIQUING. ROGER SITS IN A SMALL CAGE, CHEERFULLY
CHEWING ON A BELT.

TAPSCREW
How‘s the costume coming, Martha?

MARTHA
Brilliant.

Oh dear, that‘s not nearly scabby enough. Make that tail six feet long, and cover it with pimples.
Stick a few pimples on his face, come to think of it. You want your audience nauseated, love.

MARTHA
And whiskers. What‘s the sign say, dearie?

TAPSCREW
―See this sub-human monster wallow in abominable filth!‖ Think I should make his cage
larger?

MARTHA
Larger? No, love, the way he‘s scrunched in makes him look bigger than he is, and more
menacing. Besides, if the cage stays small, there‘s more room for us to squeeze in more
customers. Maybe he should have a nest. Hey, rat-boy, do rats have nests?

ROGER
Yeah, nice and comfy.

MARTHA
You heard him. Get some old bones from the lion-tamer, and toss ‗em in.

TAPSCREW

I Was a Rat! by Barbara Field 26

And we‘ll need a kind of greenish light. Here, d‘you think he ought to have a name?

ROGER
I‘ve got a name. It‘s new, I‘ve hardly used it. It‘s Roger.

MARTHA
No name, love—a name would only make them feel sorry for him.

TAPSCREW
(KISSES HER) See? That‘s why I married you, you‘ve got such a brain! Rat-boy he is. And
he mustn‘t talk. Hear that, Rat-boy?

ROGER
I like to talk.

TAPSCREW
No talking, I said!

ROGER
You told me you‘d take me to Bob and Joan.

TAPSCREW
Forget about that, you‘re my property now!

MARTHA
Here, try this on for the moment.
ROGER IS BUSY CHEWING. SHE GIVES HIM A CLOUT.
I said, try this costume on. First your legs, then your arms—so.
THEY WATCH HIM WRIGGLE INTO THE RAT SUIT. MARTHA
FASTENS IT.
It‘s a bit loose, but it‘ll do. Now swing that tail around, Rat-boy.
ROGER TRIES, BUT IS UNSUCCESSFUL.
He‘ll have to practice. Can‘t go in front of the public like that.

TAPSCREW
He looks too tame.

MARTHA
He wouldn‘t scare a soul, sad to say.

TAPSCREW
We‘ll have to do something about that. Fangs!

I Was a Rat! by Barbara Field 27

 LIGHTS FADE ON THE SCENE.

NEWSBOY
Extra, extra, ―Wedding of the Year‖
―His Royal Highness Prince Richard and the Lady Aurelia married yesterday at noon in
the Cathedral---―

JOAN AND BOB CROSS, JOAN WITH THE DAILY SCOURGE.

JOAN
I don‘t care a fig for this wedding, though the bride looks sweet. All I want is to find our Roger.

BOB
No Found Children in the want ads?
SHE SHAKES HER HEAD.
JUST THEN CHARLIE CROSSES.

BOB
Good day, Charlie.

CHARLIE
Ta, Bob.

BOB
You en‘t seen a little boy?

CHARLIE
Didn‘t know you had one. But there was a boy—

BOB
What about him?

CHARLIE
A flashy feller with a big cigar was in my pub, asking about him. Seems he‘s looking for a boy
too.

BOB
What was this feller‘s name?

JOAN
And what about Roger?

CHARLIE

I Was a Rat! by Barbara Field 28

What‘s the bloke‘s name...Tapstew...Thumbscrap...
HE STARTS TO GO.
Tapsnap....Screwtop....Rattrap....
HE EXITS.

BOB
Well, old lady, I suppose that‘s a start.
THEY EXIT AS THE LIGHTS FADE.

THE FAIR.

TAPSCREW‘S STALL IS UP, WITH THE FINISHED SIGN, ―THE

WONDER OF THE AGE‖, ETC. HANGING ABOVE IT.
TAPSCREW AND MARTHA ARE ADDING THE FINAL ARTISTIC
TOUCHES TO THE CAGE.

TAPSCREW
Martha, love, we still need more filth and squalor. Looks too respectable in there.

MARTHA
We need mud and some rotten vegetables. And dung?

TAPSCREW
No, love, there‘s a limit to what the public will stand. We‘ll draw the line at dung.

MARTHA
That‘s true. And we have to live with him. I‘ve got an idea! What if we charge them extra to
feed him? We‘ll have a feeding time every hour, special price. And the beauty of it is that we
don‘t have to supply the food! They bring it themselves!

TAPSCREW
Genius! You are pure genius, Martha!

MARTHA
You‘ll need to paint an extra sign. Something about he‘ll demonstrate his loathsome and
unnatural appetite by eating anything put before him by the public.

TAPSCREW
You‘ve not been feeding him, have you?

MARTHA

I Was a Rat! by Barbara Field 29

No, He‘s not had a bite of food all day!

TAPSCREW
Brilliant, love. Look, we‘ve already got paying customers.
A COUPLE WITH A SMALL CHILD (IN SILHOUETTE) PAY THEIR
PENNIES.

TAPSCREW
Welcome, folks, the rat boy‘s coming out, but be warned, his savage and ferocious instincts
make him dangerous. Of course you may feed him, if you have any stale bread or a rotten potato
or two—

CHILD
Look, he‘s coming out—yuck!
ROGER EMERGES IN HIS RAT SUIT, DECORATED WITH SCABS AND
PUSTULES. THE SUIT IS STILL TOO BIG, AND HE LOOKS
RIDICULOUS—AND TIMID. THERE ARE CRIES OF REVULSION. HE
SMILES.

WOMAN
Eurgghh—!

MAN
Fancy a rotten turnip?
HE THROWS THE TURNIP INTO THE CAGE. ROGER
POUNCES ON IT.

ROGER
Thank you.

MAN
Hold on there! That en‘t no monster, that‘s a boy!

WOMAN
And he‘s wearing a costume—we want our money back!

TAPSCREW
Hush—yes—understood, money back—go.
HE GETS RID OF THE CUSTOMERS, TURNS ON ROGER.
En‘t you got no sense? I told you to keep your bloody trap shut! How can a rat say ‗thank you‘?

ROGER
I‘m a boy now, and Joan told me to always say thank you when someone gives me

I Was a Rat! by Barbara Field 30

something—

TAPSCREW
Ungrateful scoundrel! After all I done for you! Pick you up out of the gutter, give you a
home and a fine job—now the next lot of customers will be in any minute, and I want to
see them horrified and disgusted!

ROGER
Thank you.
TAPSCREW KICKS ROGER AND LEAVES.
ROGER LOOKS AROUND SADLY.

ROGER
(MURMURS) Bread and milk, spoon, night shirt, snaps...Bob and Joan...

BILLY SNEAKS OVER TO THE CAGE, TAPS ON THE FRAME.

BILLY IS A NATTILY DRESSED LITTLE HOOD.

BILLY
Psst. Psst, Rat-Boy!
ROGER LIFTS HIS HEAD UP.
Yeah, you, I want a word with you. I‘m going to help you escape.

ROGER
Does Mr. Tapscrew know?

BILLY
No, and it‘s best he don‘t find out. Here, I‘m going to take this crowbar and pry open the
bars. (HE DOES SO) Now see if you can wriggle through this hole. Keep wriggling—I
think it‘s big enough. Come on.
ROGER WRIGGLE. HE SQUEEZES THROUGH.
Good work! Now let‘s run. We‘ve got to get away.

ROGER
Are you helping everyone in the carnival escape?

BILLY
Just you, Rat-Boy, you‘re prime. Follow me.
THEY RUN, JUST MISSING BOB AND JOAN AS THEY ENTER.

I Was a Rat! by Barbara Field 31

 BOB (YELLS)
Hey! You! Screwfish! RumTap! Corkscrew!
TAPSCREW APPEARS.
Have you seen our boy?

TAPSCREW
Boy? What boy?

BOB
Charlie down the pub says you was askin‘ about him.

TAPSCREW
Don‘t know what yer talkin‘ about?
MARTHA RUNS IN.

MARTHA
The cage, the cage---He‘s gone! The rat boy‘s broke out of the cage…

BOB
You‘ve got our little boy!

JOAN
You‘d best give him back, or we‘ll call the police!

TAPSCEW
Too late, he en‘t here any more. He‘s scarpered! And he broke our cage! That‘ll cost
you a pretty penny.

BOB
You lock up our lad and want to us to pay when he escapes?

MARTHA
―Lad‖? He wasn‘t a proper human, else he couldn‘t have et all that garbage we fed him---
JOAN LEAPS AT HER.

BOB
Hold on, love, we need to know where he‘s gone---

TAPSCREW
I‘ll send you my bill.

I Was a Rat! by Barbara Field 32

 BOB
Let‘s go.

BLACKOUT ON THE SIDESHOW.

BILLY AND ROGER RUN IN.

BILLY
Right-y-o, we‘re safe. I‘m fair winded.
HE TURNS TO ROGER, OFFERS HIS HAND.
Name‘s Billy, mate. Saw your show today. See, I‘m on the lookout for a good wriggler,
and I like your style. Rat-boy, you‘re a prime wriggler!

ROGER
Thank you.

BILLY
I got a job for you, Rat-boy.
Here, I brought you some new clothes. We‘ve gotta get you out of that mangy rat-suit.

ROGER

Thank you.
DURING THE FOLLOWING, BILLY HELPS ROGER CHANGE
INTO CLEAN CLOTHES.

BILLY
And because I rescued you from that Tapscrew, you owe me. You got to do everything I
say. Hear me?

ROGER
Yes, sir.

BILLY
―Yes, Billy.‖

ROGER
Yes, Billy.

BILLY
You‘re the lowest of the low, en‘t you?

I Was a Rat! by Barbara Field 33

 ROGER
(PROUD) The lowest of the low.

BILLY
Now listen carefully. Rats like you, you never die a natural death.

ROGER
Don‘t we?

BILLY
No, you got to be sterminated.

ROGER
Sterminated? Is that like school?

BILLY
No, it‘s awful, gruesome, it‘s the end of you. The Sterminator‘s a man who comes
with apparatus—

ROGER
No! Don‘t tell me!

BILLY
Oh, I‘ve got to, for your own good. What he does with his apparatus no one knows, but
when he‘s done sterminating with his apparatus there en‘t a single rat left to tell the tale.
They find ‗em with twitching whiskers and their faces twisted all horrible-like—

ROGER
I en‘t go no whiskers.

BILLY
He‘d get you all the same. It‘s a good thing you‘ve got me to look after you, innit?

ROGER
Thank you.

BILLY
You do as I say and I‘ll keep the Sterminator off you. But if you disobey me, I‘ll be so
upset, I‘ll forget.

ROGER
Oh please, Billy, don‘t forget, I‘ll be ever so good!

BILLY
Here.

I Was a Rat! by Barbara Field 34

 ROGER PUTS ON JACKET AND HAT
ROGER
Thank you.

ROGER IS NOW DRESSED IN DARK CLOTHING, LIKE BILLY‘S.

THEY ARE STANDING BY A WALL. ABOVE IS A WINDOW,
OPEN JUST A BIT. A RAIN BARREL STANDS NEARBY.
IT IS NIGHT, AND THERE IS LITTLE LIGHT.

BILLY
Well, my lad, you look quite the sharp article. And the moment has come for you to earn
your living, right?

ROGER
Right. It‘s pretty dark out.

BILLY
We work in the dark.

ROGER
Am I going to wriggle tonight?

BILLY
That‘s your job, you‘re a Nocturnal Wriggler. And you have to be very, very quiet-like.

ROGER
Quiet as a mouse.

BILLY
Very funny, Rat-boy. Now here‘s the plan: you wriggle up through that window. It‘s a
kitchen window—

ROGER
Is there food?

BILLY
Later, later. You climb into the kitchen, and then—on tiptoe, mind— you go to the front
door and you open it, see? Then you let me in.

ROGER
Are we going to live here, Billy?

BILLY

I Was a Rat! by Barbara Field 35

No, the owners want us to do a little ―removal job‖

ROGER
A ―removal job‖, a ―removal job.‖

BILLY
Right. We‘re gonna remove some stuff. Some old silver and some jewelry and the like.
Understand?

ROGER
Yes, Billy. (PROUDLY:) Nocturnal Wriggler, that‘s who I am.

BILLY
Shhh, quiet. Now, up you go. Here, I‘ll boost you up to the rain barrel. Now...are you
ready to wriggle?

ROGER
Yes. See, I‘m wriggling. I‘m wriggling.....I‘m inside!

BILLY
Well wriggled, Roger. I‘ll meet you at the front door.
HE GOES.

WE SEE ROGER THROUGH THE WINDOW IN SILHOUETTE. HE

FINDS A BUNCH OF GRAPES, EATS THEM. THEN A COOKIE.
FINALLY HE PICKS UP A STRING OF DRIED CHILIES. HE
TAKES A FEW, STARTS TO EAT THEM, SCREAMS.

HE JUMPS OUT THE WINDOW HOLDING THE STRING OF

PEPPERS, LOOKS AT IT AS IF IT HAD BIT HIM. HE IS STILL
SCREAMING. HE STICKS HIS HEAD IN THE RAIN BARREL,
DRINKS. AND DRINKS.

ELSEWHERE, A SIREN HAS STARTED TO WAIL. HE LOOKS

AROUND.

ROGER
Billy? Billy...?
NO ANSWER. HE SENSES DANGER, RUNS. BUT NOT FAST

I Was a Rat! by Barbara Field 36

 ENOUGH. A LIGHT SHINES IN HIS FACE. IT IS THE
SERGEANT.

SERGEANT
What‘s this now?
HE BLOWS HIS WHISTLE.

ROGER
Billy, help! It‘s the Sterminator! Help!

THE POLICEMAN GRABS HIM, BUT ROGER BITES HIS HAND.

THE COP LETS GO AND ROGER RUNS.
THEN A CACOPHONY OF WHISTLES, SIRENS AS THE COP
CHASES ROGER. WHILE THE COP‘S BACK IS TURNED, ROGER
FINDS AN ASHCAN AND DIVES DOWN INTO IT.
THE COP TURNS BACK, BUT ROGER HAS DISAPPEARED.
THE LIGHTS FADE. WE HEAR HIS VOICE, ECHOING:

ROGER
Bob...Joan...snaps...bread...milk....nightshirt...
LIGHTS BLACK OUT.

END OF ACT ONE

I Was a Rat! by Barbara Field 37