TOOTSIE

Music and Lyrics By

David Yazbek

Book By

Robert Horn

Broadway Post-Opening
December 14, 2019
 ii.

SONG LIST
(As of 3/7/19)

ACT 1

1. OPENING

2. WHADDYA DO

3. WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN

4. WHADDYA DO (REPRISE 1)

5. I WON’T LET YOU DOWN (AUDITIONS)

6. I WON’T LET YOU DOWN

7. I’M ALIVE

8. THERE WAS JOHN

9. I LIKE WHAT SHE’S DOING

10. WHO ARE YOU

11. WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN (REPRISE)

12. UNSTOPPABLE

ACT 2

13. JEFF SUMS IT UP

14. GONE, GONE, GONE

15. WHO ARE YOU (REPRISE)

16. THIS THING

17. WHADDYA DO (REPRISE 2)

18. THE MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT OF MY LIFE

19. TALK TO ME DOROTHY

20. ARRIVEDERCI!

21. WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN (REPRISE 2)

22. MICHAEL'S REPRISE

23. THANK YOU (TALK TO ME DOROTHY REPRISE)

24. BOWS
4/12/19 6:00 PM 1

I-1 INT. A BROADWAY STAGE - PRESENT DAY

The curtain rises on New York City. One by one, New Yorker’s
appear, populating the stage with their enthusiasm and
excitement to be part of this thrilling world.

MEN AND WOMEN

NEW YORK! NEW YORK!

KAT
THE NIGHT IS FALLING ON MANHATTAN
AND SOON THE DAYLIGHT WILL BE GONE

ANTHONY
ANTICIPATION’S ALL AROUND YOU
AS ONE BY ONE THE LIGHTS ARE COMING ON

DIANA, HARRIS, KAT, ANTHONY

AND YOUR FEET WANNA FLY
AND YOUR PULSE WANTS TO RACE

SHINA, LESLIE, JOHN

‘CAUSE YOU’RE FREE AND YOU’RE YOUNG
AND YOU’RE IN THE RIGHT PLACE

NICK
YOU’RE RIGHT HERE

BRITNEY
YOU’RE RIGHT NOW

DREW
YOU’RE A PART OF NEW YORK

ALL
AS THE NIGHT COMES ALIVE
IN THE HEART OF NEW YORK

ALL (CONT'D) ENSEMBLE 1 (KP)

NOTHING MORE EXCITING
NOWHERE MORE DELICIOUS
EVERYTHING’S INVITING
EVERYTHING’S THE BEST

EVERY SOUL IS SOARING

EVERYONE’S AMBITIOUS
NO ONE HERE IS BORING
NOTHING IN THE WORLD
IS LIKE THE FEELING ...the feeling that anything
is possible here. Even the
impossible is possibly
possible in --
4/10/19 6:00 PM 2

ALL
NEW YORK!

ENSEMBLE 2 (AW)
You dream when you’re awake. Any
dream can be a dream come true in --

ALL
NEW YORK!

From behind the group of people, MICHAEL DORSEY walks by,

speaking as he goes...

MICHAEL
Underneath this city that’s all
pavement, is a city that’s all heart.
ALL MICHAEL (CONT'D)
GOD THIS IS EXCITING
DON’T YOU FEEL GIDDY?
MAN THERE’S NOTHING LIKE IT
BOY THIS IS THE BEST
NOW YOUR LIGHT IS BLAZING
WOW THIS IS A CITY Ron? I’m sorry, Ron?!
ISN’T THIS AMAZING?
AREN’T YOU SO BLESSED Stop, stop, stop.

Ron, holding a script, walks onstage.

RON
Stop, stop! Let’s all stop the
rehearsal again because Mitchell
has another compelling question.

MICHAEL
It’s Michael. Dorsey. And would my
character say the city was all
heart? He’s a traumatized war vet,
evicted from his rent-controlled
apartment during the sewage baked
heat of summer. All heart? I don’t
think so!

RON
Where, in the history of the
printed libretto, does it say any
of that?

MICHAEL
It’s the back story I gave him.
4/3/19 6:00 PM 3

RON
Back story? He doesn’t even have a
name. He’s ‘guy who walks by’!

MICHAEL
My character deserves his truth!
I’m just saying what every actor on
this stage is thinking!

The other actors take one LARGE simultaneous step back.

RON
Lovee, this is a Ron Carlisle show.
My vision, me, creating a living
aggregate from the imagination of
nothing! You want out? You’re out.

MICHAEL
Of the whole song?

RON
Of the whole show. Of any show I
ever do in the pantheon of ever!
Then even after that, after that!

MICHAEL
This opening number is benign and
dishonest, directed by an inept,
derivative hack. And this musical
sucks!

The entire ensemble’s body language changes. They are now

narrating his story for us.

ENSEMBLE
THIS IS THE TALE MICHAEL DORSEY
HE IS THE CENTER OF THE PLOT
IS HE AN ACTOR, YES OF COURSE HE IS
IS HE SUCCESSFUL, YES OF COURSE HE’S NOT
4/11/19 4

ENSEMBLE (CONT’D)
THAT DOESN’T MEAN HE ISN’T REAL GOOD
NO ONE IN TOWN WOULD DISAGREE
HE REALLY COULD BE GOOD AS GIELGUD,
BUT YOU WON’T SEE HIS NAME ON THE MARQUEE

INT. THEATER STAGE - AUDITION

Michael is on a stage auditioning. The director sits at the

end of a table, Michael stands at the other.

MICHAEL
(With an accent) ‘Carla, I threw it
all away, for you, for the kid,
just to cross that bridge, Carla.
That damn grey bridge.’

DIRECTOR 1
That’s fine, Mr. Dorsey. Actually,
we’re looking for someone...
younger.

Michael rips off his fake mustache.

MICHAEL
Oh, I can be younger.

DIRECTOR 1
Actually, we’re looking for someone
...shorter.

Michael takes off one shoe and exaggerates his shortness.

MICHAEL
Oh. Wait. See. I can be shorter.

DIRECTOR 1
Actually, we’re looking for
somebody... different.

MICHAEL
Sounds to me like you don’t know
what the hell you’re looking for!

DIRECTOR 1
We’re looking for somebody else!
(Beat) Get out!
4/11/19 5

ENSEMBLE
AND NOW THERE’S SOMETHING QUITE FAMILIAR
HE FEELS IT RISING LIKE THE MOON
HE’S FEELING VICTIMIZED AND BITTER
LIKE NOTHING GOOD IS GONNA HAPPEN SOON
THE ODOR OF HUMILIATION
BEGINS TO PERMEATE THE ROOM
THE PUTRID STENCH OF IT SURROUNDS HIM LIKE
AN INEXPENSIVE PROSTITUTE’S PERFUME

INT. SMALL THEATER STAGE - AUDITION

Michael is auditioning, holding a script.

MICHAEL
(As a British child) ‘Mummy. Daddy.
Come quick. Something’s wrong with
Biscuit. He was chasing his tail
and he fell down the well.’

DIRECTOR 2
Good, but, can you do it happier?

MICHAEL
Happier? The kid’s dog plunged down
a well to its death. Why would he
be happy?!

DIRECTOR 2
Because I’m the director, and
that’s how the playwright wrote it.

MICHAEL
Tell the playwright he’s wrong!

DIRECTOR 2
I’m also the playwright. Now get
out.

ENSEMBLE
AND HIS FEET START TO THROB
AND HIS HEAD STARTS TO ACHE
CAUSE HE CAN’T GET A JOB
AND HE CAN’T CATCH A BREAK

ENSEMBLE MEN
BUT HE’S FREE AND HE’S YOUNG

ENSEMBLE WOMEN
HE’S NOT YOUNG
4/11/19 6

ENSEMBLE MEN
YEAH, THAT’S TRUE

ENSEMBLE
ALL THAT THEY WANT, IS SOMEONE
WHO’S EXACTLY NOT YOU

SOMEONE MORE EXCITING

SOMEONE MORE ATTRACTIVE
SOMEONE THEY CAN DEAL WITH
NOT A SNOTTY JERK.
MAYBE SOMEONE NICER
SOMEONE LESS REACTIVE
CAN YOU REALLY BLAME THEM?
WILL HE EVER WORK?

INT. SMALL THEATER -

Michael walks out towards center stage--

DIRECTOR 3
Get out.

--He does a 180 and walks off without ever stopping.

ENSEMBLE
WOW HE’S BATTING ZERO
DUDE IS SO PATHETIC
HOW DOES HE KEEP GOING
MAYBE HE SHOULD STOP

NO, IT’S GONNA HAPPEN

SOON THEY’LL ALL BE CLAPPIN’
SOON HE’S GONNA MAKE IT

HE’S GONNA MAKE IT TO THE TOP.

HE’S GONNA MAKE IT TO THE TOP.
HE’S GONNA MAKE IT TO THE --

We NOW see Michael in a waiter’s apron.

MICHAEL
No more orders. Kitchen’s closed!

ENSEMBLE
TOOOOOOOP!
4/12/19 7

I-2 INT. A TIMES SQUARE TOURIST RESTAURANT - LUNCHTIME

Michael and JEFF, late 30’s, offbeat and likable, are closing
the restaurant, as Michael verbalizes his frustration.

MICHAEL
How could I not have booked that
play, Jeff? I was electric. You
know what the problem is?

JEFF MICHAEL (CONT'D)

People are intimidated by People are intimidated by my
your work. (Beat) Because you work. (Beat) Because I care
care about the truth? about the truth!

MICHAEL (CONT’D)
I turn 40 today, Jeff! 40! In a
harsh and ageist business.

JEFF
Michael, part of the problem is
that you don’t recognize you’re all
of the problem.

MICHAEL
Stop procrastinating and write your
play so I have something to be in.

JEFF
Am I perfect? No. Do I try to be a
little bit better every day? No.
Which is why I considered not doing
something this harsh on your
birthday, but now I’m thinking,
yeah, do it.

Jeff tauntingly pulls out a small piece of paper.

MICHAEL
The list? You kept the list?

JEFF
When you were 19 what did you say?

MICHAEL
Keep this list.

JEFF
So I kept the list, of everything
you said you’d accomplish by the
time you turned 40.

MICHAEL
Do NOT read that list!
4/2/19 6:00 PM 8

JEFF
Let me read the list; ‘Make a
living exclusively as an actor’.
Nope. ‘Do Midsummer with
Meryl’(Laughing) Nope. Have your
parents refer to you as an actor
without using air quotes. ‘Nope’.
MICHAEL
So what should I do? Abandon my
idealism because doors are slamming
in my face? I don’t give up, Jeff!
“WHADDYA DO”
WHADDYA DO WHEN SUDDENLY
YOU REALIZE THE CALENDAR
INSIDE YOUR HEAD IS RUNNING OUT OF PAGES?
WHADDYA DO IF YOU CAN SEE 
THE ODDS ARE GOOD YOU’LL NEVER BE
THE PERSON YOU’VE BEEN TRYING FOR FOR AGES?
IS IT LUCK? IS IT FATE?
IS IT SOMETHING THAT YOU ATE,
LIKE AN OVERWHELMING PLATE OF HUMBLE PIE?
WHADDYA DO WHEN EVERYTHING
YOU WANTED MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF
IS LAUGHING AT YOU, CALLING YOU A JERK?
WHADDYA DO? YOU MAKE IT WORK
WHADDYA DO WHEN EVERYTHING IS HAPPENING
BUT EVERYTHING IS HAPPENING TO EVERYBODY BUT YOU?
ALL OF THE PHONIES, FRAUDS AND FAKES
ARE GETTING JOBS AND GETTING BREAKS
AND EATING STEAKS, BUT NOBODY WILL TOUCH YOU?
ARE YOU HAUNTED BY THE FACT
ALL YOU WANT TO DO IS ACT?
AND IT’S ALL YOU WANT TO DO UNTIL YOU DIE?
BASHING AWAY AT THE SAME OLD DOOR,
YOUR ARMS ARE TIRED, YOUR FISTS ARE SORE,
THE PATIENCE YOU’VE GOT LEFT IS WEARING THIN.
WHADDYA DO? YOU KICK IT IN
SO WHAT AM I, I’M STUCK. STRUGGLING IN THE MUCK.
STANDING HERE ALL PURPLE AND PERPLEXED.
CAUGHT IN THE GAP BETWEEN
“WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?”
AND “WHAT THE HELL IS GONNA HAPPEN NEXT?”
3/15/19 9

MICHAEL (CONT’D)
WHADDYA YOU GOT, YOU GOT THAT LIST
OF ALL THE HOPES AND DREAMS I’VE MISSED,
WELL TAKE THAT LIST AND ROLL IT IN A BALL.
OR BETTER YET, A TUBE.
YOU’RE GONNA NEED SOME LUBE
CAUSE WHERE’S IT GONNA GO?

SOMETIMES I LOOK IN THE MIRROR

AND I’M SAD FOR WHAT I SEE
FRUSTRATION, CONFUSION,
I COME TO THE CONCLUSION
THERE REALLY MUST BE SOMETHING WRONG WITH…
ALL OF THOSE DOUCHEBAGS WHO WON’T HIRE ME.

WHADDYA DO, IT’S NATURE’S LAW,

THE CARDS YOU’RE DEALT, THE CARDS YOU DRAW.
PERHAPS THE HAND YOU’VE GOT WILL NEVER WIN.

MAYBE YOU’RE OUT OF ROPE

MAYBE YOU’RE OUT OF HOPE
SO WHADDYA DO? YOU GO ALL IN!
WELL, I’M ALL IN!
4/13/19 10

I-3 EXT. MICHAEL AND JEFF’S APARTMENT - THAT AFTERNOON

Jeff is in the apartment when there is a knock on the door.

He opens it as SANDY enters, carrying a cake.

SANDY
God, I hate my life. I had a dream
last night that a Genie offered me
five wishes, and I said ‘don’t you
mean three’? And he said ‘normally,
but you seem to have a lot of
problems!’ (Then) I really hope
Michael loves this cake I made him.

JEFF
Sandy, stop trying to be friends
with an ex.

SANDY
Michael just needs time to work on
his commitment issues.

JEFF
Michael can’t connect to a woman
unless it’s on a stage. He’s a
scene partner, not a life partner.

SANDY
What do you know? When was the last
time you were in a relationship?

JEFF
I don’t have relationships. I just
avoid people who have seen me naked
while trying to find new people to
see me naked.

SANDY
Michael helps me believe in myself.
10/9/19 11

Michael enters...

SANDY/JEFF
Surprise!

He looks around to see who else is there. No one.

MICHAEL
What!? We said we weren’t doing
a... party?

SANDY
Happy Birthday.

MICHAEL
I appreciate my friends celebrating
me.

JEFF
Sandy’s codependent and I live
here.

SANDY
Plus you promised you’d help me
rehearse for that big audition.
I’ve been so stressed.

MICHAEL
Sandy, you’re always stressed.
Maybe you should talk to someone.
4/15/19 6:00 PM 12

SANDY
I tried. I just didn’t think a
therapist should say ‘wow’ that
many times during a first session.
MICHAEL
What’s the audition for?
SANDY
Juliet’s Curse. A musical
continuation of Romeo and Juliet.
To sell tickets they cast a reality
star to play the lead.
MICHAEL
That sounds horrible!
SANDY
The actress playing The Nurse got
‘injured’ (she makes a ‘drinking’
then ‘snorting’ gesture. Then slaps
her upper arm). They’re already in
rehearsal, so they’re desperate.
MICHAEL
What’s the scene?
SANDY
The Nurse discovers Juliet’s plan
to take the sleeping potion and is
warning her about the dangers.
MICHAEL
Alright, let’s run it.
She does a slight, intense warm up, then...
SANDY
Okay. ‘I give this warning to you with
grave concern. The slightest mistake will
have the most dire of consequences'.
MICHAEL
What is that?
JEFF
What are you playing?
SANDY
Fear.
JEFF
That’s fear?
SANDY
Fear and concern. You know I have a
problem separating my emotions.
MICHAEL
Well there are a hundred other actors
auditioning for this who don’t!
4/11/19 13

SANDY
--‘I give this warning to you’...

MICHAEL
--I don’t believe you!

SANDY
--‘With grave concern’

MICHAEL
--She could lose her child!

SANDY
--‘The slightest mistake will have
the most dire of consequences.’

JEFF
Is she deranged?

SANDY
Fine! You show me!

MICHAEL
What are you doing, southern? ‘I
give this warning to you with grave
concern. The slightest mistake will
have the most dire of
consequences.’

SANDY
See, you’re even a better woman
than I am.

MICHAEL
You’ve got this Sandy.
 14

SANDY
No I don’t, Michael...

“WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN”

I KNOW WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN

I’LL TRY TO GO TO BED
WITH FEAR OF FAILURE FLAPPIN’
LIKE A FRUIT BAT IN MY HEAD
I’LL SLEEP FOR HALF AN HOUR
THE CLOCK’LL RING AT SIX
I’LL WAKE UP IN THE SHOWER
WITH A STOMACH FULL OF BRICKS
SO I WON’T HAVE ANY BREAKFAST,
MAYBE JUST A LITTLE TEA,
LIKE WHEN YOU HAVE TO GO
AND GET A COLONOSCOPY
WHICH INCIDENT’LLY ISN’T HALF AS
DISCONCERTING OR UPSETTING
AS GOING FOR A PART YOU KNOW
THERE’S NO WAY THAT YOU’RE GETTING.
BUT ANYWAY I’M HEADING
DOWNTOWN FOR THE AUDITION
WHERE EVERYTHING I’M DREADING’LL
BE COMING TO FRUITION
AND HERE’S WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN:
I’LL WALK IN WEAK WITH HUNGER
AND THERE’S A DOZEN GIRLS WHO LOOK LIKE ME
BUT 10 YEARS YOUNGER
I’LL GO INTO THE BATHROOM
AND I’LL TRY TO VOCALIZE.
AND I’LL BE SINGING
“MINGA MINGA MINGA MINGA MING”
BUT I’LL BE HEARING “SANDY SUCKS
SHE REALLY SUCKS, SHE REALLY REALLY REALLY BLOWS--
AND SHE’S OLD, AND SHE’S LAME,”
AND THEN SOMEONE CALLS MY NAME--

AND HERE’S WHAT HAPPENS:

I’LL WALK INTO THE ROOM,
THE GROSS FLUORESCENT LIGHTING
AS INVITING AS A TOMB.
AND EVERYBODY SMILES.
THEY’LL SAY “IT’S GOOD TO SEE YA!”
BUT ALL I’LL SEE IS JUDGES
AND THEY’LL ALL LOOK LIKE SCALIA
AND THEN A LITTLE BANTER AS THEY
LOOK ME UP AND DOWN
AND SOMEWHERE THROUGH THE FOG OF INSECURITY AND HATE
I’LL TRY TO CONVINCE THEM
THAT I’M CHARMING AND I’M CLEVER
AND I’M FUN TO HAVE AROUND.
BUT I’M STARTING TO UNRAVEL
IN MY HEAD I HEAR THE GAVEL
3/5/19 15

SANDY (CONT’D)
(BANG) “GUILTY!”
THEY’RE GONNA THROW THE BOOK AT ME CAUSE I’M:
(BANG) “GUILTY!”
OF COMING IN AND WASTING ALL THEIR TIME
(BANG) “GUILTY!”
OF ALMOST EVERY OTHER SHOWBIZ CRIME:
NOT YOUNG ENOUGH, NOT THIN ENOUGH,
NOT PRETTY ENOUGH, NOT GOOD ENOUGH--

“We hereby sentence you to a

lifetime of waiting tables, and
debilitating self loathing.“

MICHAEL
Sandy--

SANDY
BUT WAIT! NOW SOMEONE’S ASKIN’
“SO CAN WE HEAR YOUR VOICE”
I MAKE A LAME ATTEMPT AT HUMOR--
“DO I HAVE A CHOICE?”
I NOD AT THE PIANIST,
HE’S ALWAYS WEARING BLACK
HE’S ALWAYS IN A TURTLE-NECK
WITH DANDRUFF ON HIS BACK
NO SOONER DO I GET MY NOTE, AND OPEN UP MY TRAP
THEN INEVITABLY SOME MEALY-MOUTHED ASSISTANT DIRECTOR’S
THUMBS ARE ALL OVER HIS IPHONE AND I KNOW HE’S PROBABLY
TWEETING “LOL, THIS GIRL IS CRAP!”
SHE’S A FAKE, SHE’S A PHONY
SHE COULD NEVER WIN A TONY™--
AND NOW I’M IN A PLACE I KNOW QUITE WELL
I’VE LEFT THE WORLD, AND I’VE ENTERED HELL
I’M THIS FAR AWAY FROM A FAINTING-SPELL
BUT JUST BEFORE I DIE, I—
FINISH THE SONG (WHICH I OVERSELL),
SOMEBODY SAYS “THANKS” AND WISHES ME WELL
THE NEXT THING I KNOW,
I’M AT TACO-BELL, STUFFING MY FACE WITH MEAT
I’M TRYING TO TAKE IT SLOWLY
I’M TRYING TO BE MY BEST
I’M TRYING TO BE MORE HOLY,
LESS BITTER AND DEPRESSED
I’M READING ECKHART TOLLE,
HE MAKES A LOT OF SENSE
I BOUGHT A BUDDHIST BOWL
HE SAYS IT HELPS YOU BE LESS TENSE

She strikes a copper meditation bowl to calm down. It fails.

 16

SANDY (CONT’D)
IT DOESN’T DO A THING FOR ME,
I SIT THERE ON THE FLOOR
AND WATCH A VIVID SEQUENCE
OF HUMILIATING INCIDENTS FROM MY PAST GO BY
AND THINK WHAT KIND OF MASOCHIST
KEEPS COMING BACK FOR MORE,
WHEN SHE KNOWS WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN,
‘CAUSE IT NEVER DOESN’T HAPPEN, CAUSE IT ALWAYS--

MICHAEL
Sandy--

SANDY
Always!

MICHAEL
Sandy!

SANDY
Michael, no!

I KNOW WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN

DON’T TELL ME THAT I DON’T
AND DON’T SAY THAT I’LL RISE
TO THE OCCASION ‘CAUSE I WON’T
AND DON’T SAY I’VE GOT TALENT
AND DON’T SAY I’VE GOT HEART
AND DON’T SAY THAT I’M CLEVER
‘CAUSE I KNOW I’M PRETTY SMART—
I’M SMART ENOUGH TO KNOW
THAT I’M TOO STUPID TO ADMIT
YOU CAN’T SURVIVE A DIET
THAT CONSISTS OF EATING SHIT.
THE TRICK IS KNOWING WHEN IT’S TIME
TO PACK YOUR BAGS AND SAY “THAT’S IT!”
YOU KNOW WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN?
I KNOW WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN!
HERE’S WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN
I QUIT. I QUIT. I QUIT.
10/9/19 17

I-4 INT. STAN’S OFFICE - THAT AFTERNOON

STAN is on the phone in his overstuffed office. Michael

bursts in waving the sides he read with Sandy.

MICHAEL
There’s a new Romeo and Juliet
musical. Why wasn’t I sent in for
that? Aren’t you supposed to be my
agent, Stan?

STAN
(Into phone) Nancy, I’ll call you
back. An actor just walked in so it
must be important. (To Michael)
Michael, I was on the phone with
the coast.

MICHAEL
New York is a coast too, Stan.

STAN
New York is a congested island
lodged between two cesspools, and
I’m the lifeguard making sure
actors don’t drown in their own
narcissism. Now what do you want?

MICHAEL
A job! What about that new play I
read for? ‘Anywhere But Nowhere’.
You said you’d push.

STAN
I pushed. They wanted a name.

MICHAEL
I’m a name. Michael Dorsey is a
name.
4/9/19 6:00 PM 18

STAN
To the IRS and your mother Michael
Dorsey’s a name. Besides, it’s
already been cast.

MICHAEL
Who got it?

STAN
John Edgars.

MICHAEL
Seriously? I can act circles around
that guy! We did a play in the
round. I actually acted circles
around him! I’m a great actor,
Stan.

STAN
You’re also a temperamental actor.
You couldn’t shoot a simple
commercial without fighting with
the director over your character’s
‘truth!’ You were playing a tomato.

MICHAEL
He wanted me to sit. A tomato can’t
sit. It wasn’t logical!

STAN
A tomato doesn’t have logic!! A
tomato can’t move!!

MICHAEL
That’s what I said! So if it can’t
move, how is it going to sit?! I
was a sexy, stand-up, beefsteak
tomato. Nobody does vegetables like
me! I bust my ass to get a part
right.
4/4/19 19

STAN
Yet you have this destructive
impulse to change everything!

MICHAEL
I just try to make things better!

STAN
Why?!

MICHAEL
Because better is better!

STAN
Michael, you fight with everyone.
You get fired from everything.
People hate you.

MICHAEL
No one hates me.

STAN
No one likes you. You’re arrogant
and difficult. A director told me
he’d rather watch a 3-D movie of
his own conception than ever work
with you again.

MICHAEL
What I am is committed. Acting is a
battlefield, and I fight naked and
exposed!

STAN
Well the war’s over, get dressed
and go home! You lost.

MICHAEL
Are you calling me a loser, Stan?

STAN
Oh no. I am not getting sucked into
this conversation.

MICHAEL
Maybe you just aren’t a good enough
agent to get me into those rooms.
3/18/19 20

STAN
And maybe you need to reexamine
your life. You have one of the
worst reputations in this town. No
one will hire you!

MICHAEL
You’re wrong Stan! And I’ll prove
you’re wrong!

STAN
All you’ll prove is that you’re
unmanageable and unemployable. Just
another 40 year old actor without a
job, or an agent.

Michael storms out as Stan’s office disappears. Michael is

still holding the pages from Sandy’s play.

“WHADDYA DO (REPRISE 1)”

MICHAEL
SO WHAT AM I, I’M STUCK, STRUGGLING IN THE MUCK
STANDING HERE ALL PURPLE AND PERPLEXED
CAUGHT IN THE GAP BETWEEN
“WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED”
AND “WHAT THE HELL IS GONNA HAPPEN NEXT?”

WHADDYA DO, IT’S NATURE’S LAW,

THE CARDS YOU’RE DEALT, THE CARDS YOU DRAW
PERHAPS THE HAND YOU’VE GOT WILL NEVER WIN.

He looks at the pages in his hands and gets a thought.

MAYBE YOU’RE OUT OF ROPE.

MAYBE YOU’RE OUT OF HOPE.
SO WHADDYA DO? YOU GO ALL IN!
WELL, I’M ALL IN!
2/21/19 21

I-5 REHEARSAL ROOM - DAY

Sitting behind a table are RON, the director we saw earlier,

RITA the Producer, STUART, the composer, and SUZIE, the
lyricist. One by one we see different actresses auditioning.
As each auditions, the producers rudely talk to each other.

“I WON’T LET YOU DOWN (AUDITIONS)”

GIRL 1 (LDF)
I WON’T LET YOU DOWN
BECAUSE YOU BELIEVE IN ME
BECAUSE YOU’RE THE ONE WHO CAN SEE
I’M HERE AND ALIVE

RON
Thank you, honey. Next.

GIRL 2 (KP)
I WON’T LET YOU DOWN
BECAUSE YOU BELIEVE IN ME
BECAUSE YOU’RE THE ONE--

RON
Thank you, sweetie. Next.

We see the next person singing for them is Sandy.

SANDY
I WON’T LET YOU DOWN
BECAUSE YOU BELIEVE IN ME

RON
Thank you.

SANDY
You’re welcome.

BECAUSE YOU’RE THE ONE WHO CAN SEE

RON
Thank you.

SANDY
You’re welcome.

I’M HERE AND ALIVE.

RON
That’s all we need. Thank you.
4/11/19 6:00 PM 22

SANDY
Oh. You’re welcome.
(last try)
I’M HERE AND A--

Okay then.

She walks out. The STAGE MANAGER calls out.

STAGE MANAGER
Next? Next?

DOROHTY [O.S.]
Hi, yes, I’m coming. Excuse me,
excuse me. I’m Dorothy Michaels.

In a flowing print dress, with perfectly done hair and

carefully applied make-up, DOROTHY MICHAELS pushes through
both doors and emerges.

She sees Ron and, startled, turns away. Ron approaches her,
looking at her intensely.

RON
You! (Beat) Stand here!

DOROTHY
Yes. I thought I’d start with the
song.

RITA
What about her?

RON DOROTHY
--Nope. She didn’t even look --Unless you’d like the scene
like this! Nope. You call work first? I could do it
that talent? Nope, too nope. either way, if you’d prefer --
My God No!

RITA
(Overlapping) This one had no talent. Not
right. She couldn’t sing it--

DOROTHY
Excuse me. Excuse me! I’m sorry,
but to us actors, this is a chance.
It’s a victory or a failure or a
lesson, but a chance. We battle our
fears just walking through that
door and I think that deserves some
courtesy, and shame on you if you
don’t.
4/11/19 6:00 PM 23

RITA
Is this for real or are you just
auditioning for the part?

DOROTHY
Which answer gives me an advantage?

RITA
(Impressed) Well good for you. I’m
Rita Marshall, the Producer.

DOROTHY
It’s an honor to meet you.

RITA
There are people who wouldn’t
agree. These are our authors,
Stuart and Suzie.

STUART
I’m Suzie.

They both chuckle, then...

SUZIE
He’s kidding. I’M Suzie.

They laugh.

RITA
Aren’t they fun. And this is our
director-choreographer, Ron
Carlisle.

RON
(Obviously) She knows who I am.

DOROTHY
Yes. We’ve all seen what you can do
to a musical, Mr. Carlisle.

RON
Do I know you, honey?

DOROTHY
Not well enough to call me honey.

RON
Thanks anyway, but I’m envisioning
more of a ‘not you’ type.
4/9/19 6:00 PM 24

DOROTHY
Mr. Carlisle. I’m an actress. A
character actress. I can play this
part any way you want.

RON
You have barely a puddle of
experience.

RITA
Why not see what she can do.

DOROTHY
--Thank you. Sister.

RON
Rita, I’m the director!

RITA
--And I write the checks.

RON
--Why not see what she can do.

DOROTHY
Yes, let’s all see what I can do,
shall we? The loving Nurse comforts
a young Juliet.

She signals the piano player.

 25

“I WON’T LET YOU DOWN”

DOROTHY (CONT’D)
I’VE ALWAYS IMAGINED
THAT YOU ARE THE FLOWER
AND I AM THE DIRT
MY WORLD SPINS AROUND YOU.
WHENEVER YOU FALL
I’M THE ONE WHO GETS HURT.

I GIVE YOU ALL I HAVE,

GIVE ME ONE THING IN RETURN—
HELP ME HELP YOU TO HELP ME TO 
HELP YOU TO HELP ME TO HELP YOU TO LEARN...
THAT I WON’T LET YOU DOWN.
I’LL GIVE YOU MY HEART AND SOUL.
I’LL BE HERE TO PLAY ANY ROLE
YOU NEED ME TO PLAY.

I WON’T LET YOU DOWN,

WHATEVER YOU WANT ME TO BE.
YOU GIVE ME YOUR TRUST,
I GIVE YOU MY WORD
AND I WON’T LET YOU DOWN.

RON
Thank you.

RITA
Keep going.

RON
Keep going.

DOROTHY
NOBODY SEES ME AND NOBODY LISTENS 
AND NOBODY CARES.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT’S IN HERE
LOVE AND DEVOTION 
THAT NEEDS TO BE SHARED.

(To pianist) Pick it up.

I WON’T LET YOU DOWN

(To Pianist) That’s good, thank

you.

BECAUSE YOU BELIEVE IN ME,

BECAUSE YOU’RE THE ONE WHO CAN SEE
I’M HERE AND ALIVE.
3/30/19 6:00 PM 26

DOROTHY (CONT’D)
I WON’T LET YOU DOWN
‘CAUSE WHEN I FELT EMPTY INSIDE
YOU FILLED UP MY CUP,
YOU LIFTED ME UP— I WON’T LET YOU DOWN.

(To pianist) Whole step please.

I’LL NEVER LET YOU DOWN.

I’LL DO WHAT YOU NEED ME TO DO.
I PROMISE I’LL ALWAYS COME THROUGH.
JUST CALL AND I’M THERE.
I WON’T LET YOU DOWN,
WHOEVER YOU WANT ME TO BE.
YOU GIVE ME YOUR TRUST,
I GIVE YOU MY WORD,
I WON’T LET YOU DOWN.

PLEASE MAKE THE RIGHT CHOICE

REMEMBER MY VOICE
I WON'T LET YOU DOWN.
JUST GIVE IT SOME THOUGHT
I LOVE YOU A LOT
I WON'T LET YOU DOWN.
I WON'T LET YOU DOWN.

He stands there, exhausted. They gaze at him, stunned.

10/9/19 27

I-6 INT. - LIGHTS BACK UP ON THE RESTAURANT - EVENING

Dorothy enters and sits in Jeff’s section. Jeff approaches.

JEFF
Good evening, and welcome to On The
Bone, Times Square’s most
unfortunately named steakhouse.

DOROTHY
Forgive me for staring, but you are
a handsome and strikingly fit man.
You must be extremely disciplined
to stay this stalwart.

JEFF
I believe the secret to achieving
any goal is to do what you can,
then tell people that was the goal.

DOROTHY
Let me guess. You’re a... model,
no... writer!

JEFF
You are both perceptive and
charming. But tonight, I’m a waiter,
here to deliver you a mid-level
culinary experience.

DOROTHY
Well then, I’d like the filet.
Medium. And an Iced Tea. With a
paper straw. And some mint. And a
Dubonnet. With a twist. And if
that’s too much to remember, I could
write a list and twenty years from
now you could take it out to see how
much of it you’ve accomplished.

Jeff tries to rectify what he heard with what he is seeing.

DOROTHY (CONT’D)
Dorothy Michaels.

JEFF
(Beat) So... do you wanna talk
about it?
10/9/19 28

MICHAEL
I got a job. In the musical Sandy
auditioned for.
JEFF
Wait. You auditioned for a part in
a Broadway musical, dressed as a -
female quaker, and got it?
MICHAEL
I didn’t just get it. I nailed it!
(As Dorothy) ‘No one even
questioned me’. I start rehearsal
tomorrow!
JEFF
You can’t be serious? At a time
when women are literally clutching
their power back from between the
legs of men, you have the audacity
to take a job away from one by
perpetrating one?
MICHAEL
You’re not focusing on the positive
here, Jeff. I got the part! I won!
JEFF
No. You didn’t. You’re pretending
to be a woman to get a job! And you
know you’ll have to take a pay cut.
MICHAEL
No one would hire me as a man.
JEFF
Michael, we’ve been friends a long
time. You’ve seen me so drunk, I
sat on the toilet and tried to
fasten my seatbelt. So I’m going to
be as honest as you’re not being.
What you’re doing is an insult to
all women, old women, young women,
gay, straight, trans women, all
women. Which you’re not. Not to
mention... what are you going to
tell Sandy?
MICHAEL
Because I got the part she wanted?
JEFF
This was her part?! She lost her
part to you!?

MICHAEL
You think she’ll get emotional?
10/9/19 29

JEFF
Emotional? Sandy? The girl who once
choked on her food just so someone
would hold her?

MICHAEL
Fine. Then we won’t tell her.

JEFF
Okay, fine, and even if you do
master this ‘Faye Dunaway as a gym
coach, glittering, clearance sale,
Jack Sparrow’ character you’ve
created, how can you possibly
sustain it? If you think you’ll get
away with this, your head is so far
up your ass you’re going to smudge
your eye liner.

MICHAEL
First of all, I don’t think you
should be telling me what I can do
with my body. And second, I am
getting away with this. Oh, and I
need to borrow money for clothes.

JEFF
(Re: his dress) What’s wrong with
that?

MICHAEL
I can’t wear the same outfit twice!
Be honest, does this make me look
heavy?

JEFF
No. You look-- difficult to abduct.

MICHAEL
Give me your money.

JEFF
What about her past? Everyone has a
digital footprint!

MICHAEL
That’s why you’re going to write a
viral history for her, give her a
digital back story that is
inspiring, yet humbling. We know
enough plays, we’ll pull from them.
 30

JEFF
Michael, if God is a woman, you are
going to hell.

MICHAEL
Jeff, I’ve waited my entire career
for a part this good. Trust me,
Dorothy Michaels is going to change
my life forever!
3/29/19 EVENING 31

I-7 INT. REHEARSAL STUDIO - DAY

The ensemble is rehearsing a number.

RON
Five-six-seven-eight.

It’s not going well.

RON (CONT’D)
Stop! Stop! I need accentuated
movements. One-two-watch-me,
‘bounce bounce bounce bounce, Fosse
arm, Fosse arm, restless leg yeah,
change the light bulb, change the
light bulb, danger danger, floor is
lava, hot hot, lava hot, Julie
Taymor, Julie Taymor, fidget
spinner, and then lap dance, brain
freeze, brain freeze, tiny fingers,
take a selfie turn it out and pose!
This is text book Broadway, people.

Suddenly, Dorothy enters. All heads turn to face her.

DOROTHY
Oh. Hello. I hope I’m not late.

RON
We’re about to do your scene.
What’s your name again, precious?

DOROTHY
Michael...s. Dorothy Michaels.

RON
(To the room) Me please! Me! Me!
This is Dorothy Michaels. She’ll be
playing our Nurse.

DOROTHY
Hello, everybody.

Everyone mumbles hello. The STAGE MANAGER approaches.

STAGE MANAGER
There are new pages, everyone.
Here’s your script, Miss Michaels.

DOROTHY
Are we going to read through it?

RON
-Julie, darling, when you’re ready.
10/9/19 32

DOROTHY
--I guess not.

Suddenly, JULIE NICHOLS approaches. She’s beautiful, simple,

in control.

JULIE
Hi.

DOROTHY
Hi. I’m so sorry. I haven’t had any
time with the material.

JULIE
There isn’t enough time. Julie
Nichols.

DOROTHY
Dorothy Michaels.

RON
Scene three. Page 28. The crypt.
There’s a chilling discovery.
Juliet is dead. And... Nurse!

They take their places. Juliet lays next to Romeo, a dagger

in her heart. Michael reads the script and reacts as he goes.

NURSE
‘The child I raised as my own is
gone. Killed by love.’

RON
Now Juliet wakes up.

NURSE
I’m sorry, Juliet wakes up?
4/15/19 33

JULIET
(Waking up, unsure) ‘Nurse?’

DOROTHY
Yes she does. (Reading) ‘Juliet?
Alive? Who would believe this?’ She
even says that.

RON
But what’s this? The dagger has
pierced the case containing the
potion, sparing the girls life!

DOROTHY
What?

RON
She sees her dead lover’s body,
when suddenly, Romeo’s brother
enters. That’s you Max.

Max Van Horn, 30’s, built, handsome, with limited acting

skills and reading as he goes, enters.

DOROTHY
Wait. Brother? Romeo has a --

CRAIG
--‘Brother?’

DOROTHY
--Yes he does.

CRAIG
‘Are you here? Rome...o? And who be
this? (He touches her butt) But,
soft. What light through yonder...’
[Beat. Waiting] It says a window
breaks?

DOROTHY
Oh dear God.

JULIET
‘I am Juliet. Romeo spoke often of
his brother. Craig.’

CRAIG
‘And did he mention this?’

He rips his shirt open, looking around the room for approval.
4/11/19 34

CRAIG (CONT’D)
‘Your beauty is unlike any I have
seen.’

JULIET
‘Sir, if Romeo knew of this
seduction, he would dig his way out
of his grave and haunt us.’

NURSE
‘Let him dig, dear, we’ll bury him
upside down.’ I’m sorry, Ron? I’m
not sure I know what’s going on.
Can we at least have a discussion?

RON
My discussions are with me. Julie,
precious. A word... (As he guides
her away) I’m moving you, I’m not
touching you...

Michael watches. He is then approached by Max.

MAX
Max Van Horn.

DOROTHY
Hi. Yes. Dorothy Michaels.

MAX
Taking the shirt off was my idea.
It’s what they’re coming for.

DOROTHY
Is it?

MAX
You know, ever since I won Race To
Bachelor Island, I’ve only had one
dream. Maybe it’s because I’m a
light sleeper. That dream is to
astonish on a stage.

DOROTHY
You may just get that dream.
10/9/19 35

MAX
Now, I have fame, but you know what
I don’t have?

DOROTHY MAX (CONT'D)

Talent? Respect.

MAX (CONT’D)
But I want to push myself. It’s
always about the journey, not the
destination. Unless you’re in an
ambulance. My acting coach, Randy,
he says I’m different.

DOROTHY
In what way?

MAX
(Using Randy’s voice) ‘Max, you’re
different’. He says that acting is
about pretending to not be
pretending.

DOROTHY
True, but it’s also about listening
to what the other person is--

MAX
--I feel a connection with you,
Dorothy. (He bows) Namaste. Now-
I’m-a-go.

RON
Alright everyone. Let’s begin the
song celebrating Juliet’s survival,
and prepare to weather a tsunami of
Ron Carlisle brilliance.
“I’M ALIVE”

JULIET WOMEN
ON MY BACK, IN MY BED
IT WAS DARK, I WAS DEAD. (GASP!)
COULDN’T MOVE, COULDN’T TALK,
COULDN’T BREATHE, AND I SURE
COULDN’T WALK.
4/10/19 6:00 PM 36

JULIET WOMEN (CONT'D)

NO MORE DUSK, NO MORE DAWN,
THIS WAS IT, I WAS GONE. NO!

BUT THEN, LO! THERE’S A LIGHT

AND SURPRISE, SURPRISE-
I OPEN MY EYES—
I’M ALIVE, I’M ALIVE
GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY, 
I’M ALIVE! 
DON’T HOLD YOUR NOSE 
I WON’T DECOMPOSE
I SMELL LIKE A ROSE,
I’M ALIVE!
MEN
MY WORLD SHE’S ALIVE
WAS A DUD SHE’S ALIVE
LOTS OF DEATH, SHE’S ALIVE
LOT’S OF BLOOD.
WOMEN
BLOOD!

JULIET MEN
SO MY LIFE SHE’S ALIVE
I WOULD TAKE SHE’S ALIVE
BUT NOW I’M THINKING THAT’S A
BIG MISTAKE

JULIET WOMEN & MEN

I’M ALIVE. I’M ALIVE! AH
HALLELUJAH I’M ALIVE.
THE BIRDS AND THE BEES
AND THE SUN AND THE TREES
AND THE WINE AND THE CHEESE

MEN WOMEN
SHE’S ALIVE, SHE’S ALIVE. AH, ALIVE ALIVE
SHE WAS ALMOST DEAD BUT SHE’S
ALIVE. ALIVE!

JULIET
WHAT CAN I SAY? I GOT CARRIED AWAY,
BUT NOW’S A NEW DAY— I’M ALIVE!
4/12/19 6:00 PM 37

RON
ACCENTUATED MOVEMENTS, PEOPLE
BOUNCE, BOUNCE, BOUNCE, BOUNCE,
FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT!
FOSSE FOSSE! FOSSE FOSSE!
BRAIN FREEZE
THE FLOOR IS LAVA

RON, ENSEMBLE
HOT HOT HOT HOT
IT’S HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT

RON
HAPPY BUNNY FUNNY BUNNY FRIGHTENED BUNNY
IN THE HOLE!
WHERE’S THE BUNNY?
WHERE’S THE BUNNY?
HE’S GOT A FIDGET SPINNER, GO!
BYE FELICIA!
TAKE A SELFIE, BE A HATER LAP DANCE,
TURN IT OUT AND WHEEL ‘EM IN!

JULIET ENSEMBLE
ALIVE, I’M ALIVE! ALIVE! ALIVE!
I CAN’T BELIEVE IT, I’M ALIVE ALIVE!
ALIVE!
MAX
AND HERE’S THE HEADLINE
SHE’S GONNA BE MINE

JULIET
I REALLY DODGED A BULLET
ALL THE PLUMBING’S WORKING
THANK GOD THEY DIDN’T BURY ME
‘CAUSE I’M ALIVE! ALIVE ALIVE ALIVE
ALIVE ALIVE ALIVE

MAX, ENSEMBLE
WE CAN’T OVERSTATE IT, YOU’RE NOT CREMATED

JULIET, MAX, ENSEMBLE

IT’S REALLY REALLY GREAT THAT YOU’RE/I’M...
 38

JULIET, MAX, ENSEMBLE (CONT’D)

ALIVE!

As the song ends, Dorothy/Michael is stunned.

STAGE MANAGER
That’s lunch.
10/9/19 39-40

I-8 EXT. SMALL PARK - THAT AFTERNOON

Dorothy and Julie enter a park, both of them frustrated.
DOROTHY
So, I just have one question. What
the hell was that?!
JULIE
Oh my God, yes, I know!

DOROTHY
The biggest tragedy is that Max! He
must be quite talented to be able
to conceal it so well. We deserve
better than a show where we don’t
know who to sympathize with, other
than the audience.
JULIE
I like you, Dorothy. You speak
your mind. So where are you from?
DOROTHY
Oh, well, I grew up in a quaint
little Hamlet. Momma and Daddy were
farmers. Momma died of pneumonia
about the time my brother left for
college, so I took over the fields.
JULIE
That sounds like Our Town.
DOROTHY
Yes, yes it does.
Michael reacts, as Ron enters and approaches.
RON
Julie, love, I had a feeling you’d
be here.
JULIE
You did ask me where I was going.
RON
And you were right! I must say you
looked beautiful in rehearsal.
4/11/19 6:00 PM 41

DOROTHY
Beautiful? Yes, but she also made
some very smart acting choices.
RON
Well, sure, that wasn’t what I --
(To Julie) I’ve been desperately
trying to steal time alone with you
to chat about your character.
You’ve been quite slippery, but I
don’t give up.
JULIE
That says more about your character
than mine.
RON
I like how I don’t like how you
talk to me.
JULIE
How about we do this another day,
Ron?
RON
Of course. No means another day.
DOROTHY
I’d be happy to chat about my
character any time, Ron.
RON
Are you sure we haven’t met? I feel
like I’ve been annoyed by you
before this.
He gives Dorothy a threatening look, then leaves.
DOROTHY
He’s the real problem. They should
take all pompous men like him and
just stick them on an island
somewhere.
JULIE
They did. It’s called Manhattan.
DOROTHY
So are you interested?
JULIE
Ron’s not even my type on tequila.
DOROTHY
Then why not just tell him?
4/4/19 6:00 PM 42

JULIE
Because he’s a director who hired
me, who talks to other directors
who hire me, so I handle it.

DOROTHY
I’d handle it by kneeing his balls
through the roof of his mouth?

JULIE
It’s not worth it. I don’t let
anything, or anyone, get in the way
of what I want.

DOROTHY
And, (fishing) is there anyone in
your life now?

JULIE
No. There was. A while back. We
wanted very different things. But
you know this life, you have to be
willing to risk everything for that
one thing.
3/26/19 43

“THERE WAS JOHN”

JULIE (CONT’D)
I WAS THE GIRL IN THE BUBBLE AT SCHOOL
BEHIND MY OWN PERSONAL WALL FOR PROTECTION
I’D SIT THERE ALONE LIKE A FOOL
I NEVER WAS ABLE TO MAKE A CONNECTION

THEN ONE DAY I TRIED OUT FOR THE PLAY

I’LL NEVER FORGET IT, “A FLEA IN HER EAR”
AND I WAS SUDDENLY SOMEONE WITH SOMETHING TO SAY
MAKING A SOUND EVERYBODY COULD HEAR
AND SUDDENLY EVERYTHING MADE SOME SENSE.
THEN I SAW THIS GUY IN THE AUDIENCE

CAUSE THERE WAS JOHN, FIFTH ROW ON THE AISLE

WITH A BIG SMILE ON
AND AFTER THE SHOW
HE CAME BACKSTAGE
AND NOW THAT THIS BIRDIE WAS OUT OF HER CAGE
WELL, EVERYTHING WAS OKAY.

WE DATE FOR A YEAR, THEN WE’RE CO-HABITATING

THEN I GET A BIG CHANCE TO TAKE THE NEXT STEP-
AWAY FROM A JOB I WAS HATING
AND INTO A SLOT IN THE REGIONAL REP

IN REHEARSAL ALL DAY AFTER DAY AFTER DAY

CREATING AND PLAYING IN PLAY AFTER PLAY
AND NIGHT AFTER NIGHT, IGNITING THE SPARK
CONNECTING WITH ALL OF THOSE FOLKS IN THE DARK
AND JOHN, WAS THERE, THERE WITH THE SMILE
AND HIS HANDS IN THE AIR

CLAPPING FOR ME
AND BACK HOME WE’D GO,
HAPPY TOGETHER FOR EIGHT OR NINE HOURS OR SO
AND EVERYTHING WAS OKAY
AND THEN I’D BE GONE AGAIN-

THIS LIFE TAKES EVERYTHING YOU GIVE IT,

LIKE A PUPPY OR A KID

JULIE, DOROTHY
BUT IF YOU REALLY LOVE IT, YOU LIVE IT

JULIE
AND THAT’S WHAT I DID.
10/9/19 44

JULIE (CONT’D)
PLAYED CAROUSEL ON THE ROAD FOR THE WINTER,
FROM APRIL TO JUNE, I TOURED “CABARET”
THEN “MOTHER COURAGE” IN STOCK IN NEW ENGLAND ALL SUMMER
AND JOHN TRIED TO CALL ALMOST EVERYDAY
HE TOLD ME HE WANTED SOME KIDS AND A WIFE
AND THAT’S WHEN I REALIZED, THIS IS MY LIFE.
I MADE MY CHOICE, BUT I NEVER EXPRESSED IT
AND WHEN I GOT HOME, CAN YOU GUESS-
DOROTHY
Yeah, I guessed it.
JULIE
JOHN WAS GONE.
EVERYTHING ON THE LEFT OF THE CLOSET WAS GONE.
HIS ELECTRIC GUITAR AND HIS AMP AND HIS CAR
WERE GONE. JUST POOF
THERE I WAS STANDING, UNDER OUR ROOF ALONE...
AND YES MY HEART
WAS ALMOST BROKEN
BUT I MADE MY CHOICE
AND I’D MAKE IT AGAIN
AND NOW, WHERE’S JOHN?
I THINK PORTLAND, MAINE
OR MAYBE IT’S OREGON.
WITH A KID AND A WIFE
AND HERE IS ME,
ANOTHER DRESSING ROOM,
NUMBER ONE THOUSAND AND THREE
EXACTLY WHERE I SHOULD BE
EXACTLY WHERE WE SHOULD BE
AND EVERYTHING’S OK
JULIE (CONT’D)
Actually, it’s more than okay.
Being in Juliet’s Curse makes me
want to be a better actress, so I
can be in better shows. Cause this
one is bad.
DOROTHY
But it doesn’t have to be. We can
fix it. We can make it better.
JULIE
Craig could walk in and fall for
the nurse and it would be better.
DOROTHY
You know what? It would.
JULIE
(Catching on) You know what? I’m
listening...
DOROTHY
We’ll give it a few days, then
here’s what I’m thinking...
4/5/19 6:00 PM 45

I-9 INT. REHEARSAL ROOM - A WEEK LATER

Rita, Ron, Stuart and Suzie watch Max rehearse a dance with
swords that ends in Max’s shirt flying off. Dorothy and Julie
enter.

MAX
You cannot keep me from my brother.
A plaque on both your houses.

RON
He breaks into the crypt.

DOROTHY
Okay, today’s the day. Are you
ready?

JULIE
I am so ready!

They shake hands in agreement.

RON
Settle, people. Settle. The nurse
sees her lifeless child. But what’s
this?

JULIET RON (CONT'D)

‘Nurse?’ ‘Nurse?’

NURSE
‘Juliet? Alive?‘

NURSE (CONT’D) RON

‘Who would believe this?’ ‘Who would believe this?’

RON (CONT’D)
The brother enters.
CRAIG RON (CONT'D)
‘Brother? Are you here? ‘Brother? Are you here?
Rome...o?’ Rome...o?’

CRAIG
‘And who be this?’

Dorothy gets behind Julie, as if Craig is speaking to her.

4/11/19 46

NURSE
-‘Who be this, you ask? I am
Juliet’s Nurse.’

Max looks around, unsure what to do.

CRAIG
(To Juliet) Uh... ‘your beauty is
unlike any I have seen.’

NURSE
‘But sir, we’ve just met!’

MAX
(Unsure) No... I was talking to--

NURSE
--’Me! You were talking to me!’

MAX
--What’s happening?

RON
--What’s happening?

MAX
--What’s happening?

RON
--What’s happening?

JULIET
‘But Nurse, he is my chance at
happiness.’

NURSE
‘Dear Child, you can’t help who you
fall in love with. And I am who he
has fallen in love with’

RON
--What the hell is happening?

The Nurse pulls Craig downstage and demands his attention.

NURSE
‘No, look at me if you want me,
Sir!’

MAX
Wow. You are a strong woman. I like
it.
4/3/19 47

RON
Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop!
What the - stop - hell was that?

DOROTHY
Rita, it was an impulse; A chance
to see a woman in her prime,
express her desires.

JULIE
As her young ward learns her
happiness is not dependent on a
man.

RITA
(Curious) Keep talking...

DOROTHY
A story of two women living their
unfulfilled potential!

RON
--Listen, honey, I’ve endured a
week of this insurgence of
interruptions from that foghorn
voice. It stops now. Now!

DOROTHY
We’re just trying to give these
characters some depth, since we’re
the ones playing them.

RON
And I’m the one with the vision for
this musical!

DOROTHY
Good. What is it?

RON
You think this is my first show?
Trust me, precious, I know a thing
or two.

DOROTHY
That’s really not an impressive
number of things to know.

RON
If you don’t like how I do things,
Tootsie, you can leave.
4/3/19 48

DOROTHY
My name is Dorothy. Not precious,
or honey, or Tootsie. Stuart is
always Stuart. Max is always Max.
Dorothy. And this nurse. And I’m
just trying to find something to
play.

RON
You’re suggesting (Re: Max’s chest)
that, would fall for (Re: Dorothy)
that?

DOROTHY
Why not? Because she’s not a
traditional beauty? Because she’s
past her socially imposed prime?

RON
Yes! My God, yes!

DOROTHY
She can drive the romance of a
story. She has desires, too.

RON
She’s the Nurse. Who cares what she
wants?

DOROTHY
(Calmly) I think you’re wrong.

RON
My God, you don’t have to get
hysterical!

DOROTHY
I’m not-- I wasn’t-- (Beat) I’m
just saying what everyone in this
room is thinking.

Everyone takes a step towards Dorothy.

MAX
You should listen to her. She’s
smart. And sturdy.

RON
Julie? Love?

JULIE
I’m with her.
3/30/19 49

RON
Rita? We don’t think this idea is
good, do we?

RITA
Ron, I’ve got twelve million riding
on this show. None of it mine.
Sometimes you have to take a risk.
You know how my parents taught us
to swim? They said ‘get this wrong
and you’ll die’. At that moment, I
lost all fear, and a half brother I
wasn’t that close to. I’m gonna
gamble on the smartest voice in the
room, especially when it’s coming
from a woman.

“I LIKE WHAT SHE’S DOING”

I LIKE WHAT SHE’S DOING

THIS MIGHT BE A THING
SHE’S GIVING IT FEELING
SHE’S MAKING IT SING
SHE’S FUN BUT PROFOUND
LET’S NOT SHUT THIS DOWN
I LIKE WHAT SHE’S DOING
WHAT SHE’S SELLING I’M BUYING
IT’S SOMETHING WE NEED
I LOVE THAT SHE’S TRYING—
LET’S FOLLOW HER LEAD
WE WERE FLAT ON OUR BACK
BUT NOW WE’RE ON TRACK
SHE’LL POLISH THIS TURD
INTO TREASURE SOMEHOW, JUST MAYBE—
IF DOROTHY KEEPS DOING WHAT SHE’S DOING NOW

RITA (CONT’D)
We have work to do! God knows how
we got this far, but ready or not,
we move to the theater tomorrow!

We travel to the theater, everyone excited.

 50

STAGE MANAGER
All right kids, it’s your favorite
stage manager Carl. Break’s over.
We’re going to rehearse the new
Juliet-Nurse scene. Everyone else,
there’s a revised schedule on the
board. Don’t forget to sign back
in. Dorothy, Julie, the stage is
yours!
Dorothy and Julie enter.
JULIET
‘He saw your motionless hair and
avocado figure, and I lost the one
man I love.’
NURSE
‘To be fair, dear, you did kill the
last one. Juliet, don’t I deserve a
chance at a future that celebrates
me?’
Dorothy turns to the writers.
DOROTHY
This is really good.
Dorothy then talks to Julie.
DOROTHY (CONT’D)
Are you okay with all this?
JULIE
Are you kidding?
I LOVE WHAT WE’RE SAYING.
I’M SMILING AT LAST.
IT’S GREAT HOW WE’RE PLAYING.
I’M HAVING A BLAST.
I TRUST YOU COMPLETELY-
SO DOES THE WHOLE CAST-
WE LIKE WHAT YOU’RE DOING!
We see the costume designer holding fabric swatches. Rita
points to the one Dorothy chose.
STUART
SHE’S GOT SOMETHING SPECIAL
THAT MAKES YOU ENGAGE
SUZIE
IT’S ALMOST ELECTRIC
WHEN SHE HITS THE STAGE
4/12/19 6:00 PM 51

RITA
AND I CAN’T EXPLAIN IT
SHE’S TAKING THIS TURKEY
AND MAKING IT WORK

RITA/STUART/SUZIE
AND I CAN’T TELL YOU HOW
BUT HONEY, I HOPE SHE KEEPS DOING
WHAT SHE’S DOING NOW

Dorothy is looking at sketches with the COSTUME DESIGNER

Dorothy starts pointing to the sketches she likes.

DOROTHY
Rita, forget the renaissance. I’m
thinking all new costumes. 50’s.
Fellini. Fabulous.

She shows a sketch to Rita.

RITA
Dorothy, I love it!

Rita walks off.

INT. STAGE - DAY

DANCE SECTION - PASSAGE OF TIME

WE SEE RON on his therapist’s couch.

RON
SHE WON’T TAKE DIRECTION
SHE’S CHANGING THE PLAY
SHE’S LIKE AN INFECTION
THAT WON’T GO AWAY
SHE JUST WANTS TO FIGHT ME
SHE DOES IT TO SPITE ME
I HATE WHAT SHE’S DOING

IT’S VERY TRAUMATIC

I’M REALLY UPSET
IT’S BRINGING UP MEM’RIES
I NEED TO FORGET
4/2/19 52

RON (CONT’D)
SHE’S STEALING MY GIRL
SHE’S STEALING MY SHOW
AND I’M READY TO BLOW
ALL BECAUSE OF THAT COW
GOD DAMMIT, SHE’S GOT TO STOP DOING
WHAT SHE’S DOING NOW.

Julie and Max are rehearsing as Dorothy directs them.

MAX
(Rehearsing to himself) Okay, Max.
New clothes, new lines. You got
this.

Dorothy and Julie enter.

JULIE
‘If you take her, you had better
take care of her.’

MAX
‘I will devote my life to her
happiness. I love her’.

DOROTHY
Mean it!

MAX
‘I will devote my life to her
happiness. I love her’.

DOROTHY
I don’t believe you!

MAX
‘I will devote my life to her
happiness. (To Dorothy) I love
her.’

DOROTHY
Well done, Max.

She kisses his cheek. Dorothy and Julie leave.

3/23/19 53

MAX
HEY! I LIKE WHAT SHE’S DOING
SHE’S GOT SO MUCH HEART
SHE’S SO FRIGGIN’ SEXY
AND SO FRIGGIN’ SMART
SHE’S MADE ME AN ACTOR
SHE’S BUILT LIKE A TRACTOR
I LIKE WHAT SHE’S DOING

ENSEMBLE MEN
WE TOTALLY NEED HER.
I LOVE HER BECAUSE
SHE’S ALWAYS A LEADER
WHATEVER SHE DOES.
SOMETHING WAS MISSING
AND SHE’S WHAT IT WAS.
I MEAN EVERYONE’S STANDING
WHEN SHE TAKES HER BOW.
GOD WILLING, I HOPE SHE KEEPS DOING
WHAT SHE’S DOING NOW.

INT. STAGE - NIGHT

The Nurse is talking to Juliet.

JULIET
‘How will I live without you here?’

NURSE
‘Happily, Juliet. Though parting is
such sweet sorrow.’

JULIET
‘Then let’s gather by the fountain
so we can all say arrivederci.’

They hug. Dorothy approaches Rita in the wings.

RITA
Dorothy, you’ve turned this show
into a joyous anthem for all women.
So, I’m officially changing the
title from Juliet’s Curse, to
Juliet’s Nurse!

Dorothy smiles, then walks ONSTAGE for a performance.

4/12/19 6:00 PM 54

DOROTHY ENSEMBLE
AH AH
AH AH AH
I WON’T LET YOU DOWN
AH
BECAUSE YOU BELIEVED IN ME
BECAUSE YOU BELIEVED
AND NOW ANYBODY CAN SEE-
I’M REALLY ALIVE AH

I’LL NEVER LET YOU DOWN WON’T LET YOU DOWN

I’M NO LONGER EMPTY INSIDE

YOU FILLED UP MY CUP,
I NEVER GAVE UP
AND NOW I CAN SOAR
TO THE HEAVENS AND HIGHER

JULIE/MAX/ENSEMBLE
LORD PLEASE, I HOPE SHE KEEPS DOING
WHAT SHE’S DOING RIGHT, EVERY NIGHT

MEN
REMOVING OUR TEARS

WOMEN
RELIEVING OUR FEARS

JULIE
AND WHEN THE SMOKE CLEARS
WE’LL STILL HAVE CAREERS

STUART, SUZIE, MAX, ENSEMBLE DOROTHY

SO WHAT’S NOT TO LIKE?
I GIVE YOU MY WORD
I LIKE WHAT SHE’S DOING I WON’T LET YOU

I LIKE WHAT SHE’S DOING DOWN

WHAT SHE’S DOING
4/5/19 55

I-10 INT. JULIE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Michael and Julie are mid-conversation, scripts in hand,

sharing some wine, excited.

JULIE
Did you hear them laughing?

DOROTHY
I did!

JULIE
They were laughing!

DOROTHY
They were!

JULIE
With us!

DOROTHY
It felt good!
4/15/19 56

JULIE
I’m excited. I get excited.
Dorothy, where I grew up, people
were afraid to dream big. But I
knew I wanted more. I wanted this.
When I act, things just make sense.
When I’m onstage, I feel safest.

DOROTHY
Yes. It’s the same with me.

JULIE
Don’t you love reaching for
perfection, never getting it. The
commitment, the sacrifices. The
uncertainty. Sure, it can be
lonely. I mean, have you ever been
able to make a relationship work?

DOROTHY
No, not really.

JULIE
So you’ve never been married?

DOROTHY
Actually, I was, once. To an
overbearing Norwegian man. But I
left him after eight years to make
sense of myself and everything
around me.

JULIE
That sounds like A Doll’s House!

DOROTHY
Maybe a little more wine.
4/15/19 57

JULIE
I am surprised a pretty, talented
gal like you isn’t fighting guys
off.

DOROTHY
Pretty? No, me? Talented, sure but,
pretty? You think?

JULIE
More than pretty. Special.

DOROTHY
Oh. Well, like you said, I guess
life got in the way. Or I get in
the way. Maybe I haven’t met the
right person.

JULIE
Maybe we stopped thinking we could?

DOROTHY
If you could, who would your
perfect person be?

JULIE
I don’t know. It’s all so
complicated. Don’t you find being a
woman right now complicated?

DOROTHY
Right now? Extremely.

JULIE
It wouldn’t be about his age or his
looks, it would be more that he’d
be honest about who he was. And
he’d understand my life. Appreciate
it. Celebrate it! And, he’d be the
most generous lover. Not afraid to
share his uninhibited desires, so
willing to please me, that I’d want
to please him. That would be
amazing.

DOROTHY
Amazing.

Dorothy just stares, then clears her throat.

JULIE
I’ll get some more wine.

A special comes up on Michael.

4/15/19 6:00 PM 58

“WHO ARE YOU”

MICHAEL
SOMEBODY IN THE MOONLIGHT
SOMEONE I THINK I KNOW,
STANDING THERE LIKE A SHADOW.
WHO ARE YOU?

I CAN’T ESCAPE THE FEELING

I MET YOU LONG AGO
IN SOME PLACE FILLED WITH SUNLIGHT.
WHO ARE YOU?

I’VE NEVER BEEN A NEEDY OR ROMANTIC GUY.

FALLING LIKE A METEOR
IN SOME POETIC STARRY SKY.
WHO AM I?

THIS IS A DIFFERENT STORY,

SOMETHING COMPLETELY STRANGE.
WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING?
WHO ARE YOU? WHO ARE YOU?

Dorothy walks towards her.

JULIE
More wine?

DOROTHY
Yes, please! What?

JULIE
It’s nice, connecting with someone.

SOMEBODY I CAN TALK TO,

LIKE SOMEONE I’VE ALWAYS KNOWN.
WHERE ON EARTH WERE YOU HIDING?
WHO ARE YOU?
I THINK IT’S JUST AMAZING
HOW FAST THIS FRIENDSHIP HAS GROWN.
SOMEONE I CAN CONFIDE IN.
WHO ARE YOU?

IT’S FELT SO LONG SINCE

I WAS YOUNG AND RUNNING FREE,
I LOCKED MYSELF INSIDE A BOX
BUT SUDDENLY, THERE’S THE KEY.

SOMEONE WHOSE HEART IS OPEN,

SOMEBODY I COULD LOVE
JUST LIKE AN OLDER SISTER.
WHO ARE YOU? WHO ARE YOU?
10/9/19 59

JULIE (CONT’D)
You know, on our nights off I sing
at a club. You should come. We can
have drinks after. Talk about
anything and everything.

DOROTHY
That sounds wonderful.

MICHAEL JULIE
THIS IS A DIFFERENT STORY.
I THINK IT’S JUST AMAZING.
SOMETHING COMPLETELY NEW.
HOW FAST THIS FRIENDSHIP HAS
GROWN.
WHAT DO I THINK I’M DOING?
LIKE THE SISTER I NEVER HAD.
WHO ARE YOU? WHO ARE YOU?
WHO ARE YOU? WHO ARE YOU?
WHO ARE YOU? WHO ARE YOU?

DOROTHY
You know what? I should go.
We have an early rehearsal
tomorrow.

JULIE
This has been.... perfect.

DOROTHY
Yes, it has. Perfect. So... more
tomorrow.

JULIE
More tomorrow.

He leaves, ecstatic and excited as he makes his way through

the city and back to the apartment, and enters.

MICHAEL
THIS IS A DIFFERENT STORY.
SOMETHING COMPLETELY NEW.
WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING?
WHO ARE YOU?
4/9/19 60

I-11 - INT. MICHAEL AND JEFF’S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS

Michael runs in, excited. He puts his things down and looks
at himself and starts to sift through new boxes of clothing.

MICHAEL
Jeff, Jeff! Tonight was euphoric.
We had a great show, Julie invited
me back to her apartment. We
laughed, drank, she talked all
about her life...

JEFF
And you listened?

MICHAEL
You know what? Women listen to each
other, Jeff.

JEFF
Well what do you know. You, Michael
Dorsey Dorothy Hermione Michaels,
are a man and woman in love!

MICHAEL
Oh my God, Jeff, I think I am!

There’s a knock at the door. Sandy is on the other side.

SANDY (O.S.)
It’s Sandy. Open the door.

MICHAEL
She can’t see me like this!
Zipper! Zipper!

During the following, Michael and Jeff do a frenetic physical

comedy quick change ‘routine’ to strip the room of Dorothy.

SANDY (O.S.)
I can hear you!

MICHAEL
Jeff, is someone at the door?

Michael drops his dress. Jeff looks at him, and grins.

JEFF
(Beat) That’s very slimming.
3/20/19 61

MICHAEL
Who’s at the door, Jeff!

JEFF
I think it’s Sandy!

MICHAEL
Sandy? Which Sandy?

SANDY (O.S.)
Really? You know other Sandy’s?

JEFF
(To door) I was sleeping. I’m not
dressed. Michael was in the
bathroom.

MICHAEL
I’m in the bathroom. The... thing...
is clogged.

JEFF
The ‘thing’ again?

MICHAEL
Yes Jeff, the ‘thing’.

SANDY
What is going on in there.

MICHAEL
Jeff, are you sure that’s the door
and not the pipes? They sometimes
make that whooshing sound, like...
‘Sandy... Sandy’...

JEFF
It’s more like ‘Sandy... Sandy’.

MICHAEL
It always does that when the
toilet’s clogged.

JEFF
We should call a plumber.

MICHAEL
Or you should eat more fiber.

JEFF
I have an uncle who’s a plumber?
And his last name is Plumber. It’s
like being a Butler named Butler.
3/23/19 62

MICHAEL
That’s REALLY interesting. You
should write that! But before you
do, check the door just in case.

JEFF
If Butler was here, he would do it.
Earrings, earrings!

Sandy knocks.

JEFF (CONT’D)
Michael, I think there is someone
at the door!

They finally finish and open the door.

JEFF (CONT’D)
Oh, look. It’s Sandy.

MICHAEL
Sandy. Hey.

SANDY
Michael? Where have you been? I’ve
been devastated about not getting
that part. And where are you?

MICHAEL
I’ve been busy. I’m sorry.

SANDY
My yoga teacher says I’ve literally
created a new position called
downward spiral.

JEFF
Sandy, I realize you are an open
bar of emotions, but why is not
getting this role consuming you?
4/8/19 63

SANDY
Why, Jeff? Why? I live in an
apartment so small I count the
litter box as a guest bathroom. My
dental plan is basically to chew on
the other side, and the only jobs I
get are working kid’s birthday
parties. Two hours ago I was on the
subway wearing the bottom half of
an Elmo costume. I got violated by
a service animal. My phone no
longer recognizes my face I.D.
unless I’m crying! I just don’t
have it in me for one more day, one
more rejection, And the one friend
who helps me believe that maybe I’m
good at something I want so much,
but may actually not be good at,
doesn’t have one minute for me!

MICHAEL
Sandy, I’ll make it up to you.
Dinner. Monday. Just us.

SANDY
Yeah? That would be -- Wait --
4/8/19 64

“WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN (REPRISE)”

SANDY (CONT’D)
I KNOW WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN
DON’T TELL ME THAT IT’S NOT
YOU’LL CALL ME UP AT NINE
AND SAY THERE’S SOMETHING YOU FORGOT
YOUR BROTHER IS IN JAIL
YOUR MOM’S BEEN IN A WRECK
YOUR SISTER'S GOT A GOITER
LIKE A FOOTBALL ON HER NECK.
YOU’RE GONNA STAND ME UP
AND I’LL BE STARING AT THE PHONE
SITTING THERE ALL DISMAL AND PATHETIC AND ALONE
AND FEELING JUST ABOUT AS WELCOME
AND AS WANTED AS A KIDNEY STONE

She leaves. You can still hear her voice going down the
stairs and onto the street as she sings.

I KNOW WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN

YOU KNOW WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN
WE KNOW WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN
WE ALL KNOW WHAT'LL HAPPEN
IT NEVER DOESN'T HAPPEN
IT ALWAYS HAS TO HAPPEN
IT'S GUARANTEED TO HAPPEN

Michael slams the window shut. It stops her voice.

JEFF
Michael, you know I would jump in
front of a really soft, gently
tossed ball for you. But you just
made a date with Sandy, as a man,
after having a date with Julie, as
a woman. So as your friend, I’m
wondering, what’s your end game for
all this?

MICHAEL
What it always was. To work! To do
great work! And now, the
possibility of being with someone
who sees the world like I do?
That’s a damn good happy ending.
Thanks to Dorothy.

JEFF
Exactly how? If this show’s a hit,
you’re going to be Dorothy for a
long time. Michael Dorsey is gone.
4/4/19 6:00 PM 65

MICHAEL
Michael is not gone. I am Dorothy.
Dorothy is me. It’s coming out of
me. I’m experiencing these things.

JEFF
Listen to me. No you’re not!

MICHAEL
You’re wrong. What Dorothy’s doing
is important.

JEFF
Until what? You have go back to
where you started? To Michael, who
is lying to Sandy and is falling in
love with a woman he can’t have?

MICHAEL
This is not just about Julie. I
have something to say to other
women like me who feel invisible.

JEFF
You don’t have anything to say to
other women like you because you’re
a man!

MICHAEL
Yes, but I’m also an actress!
Potentially a great one. You know
what people are calling me? A small
miracle. Their words, not mine.

JEFF
Fine, you want to live lie? It’s
your lie to live. But you are in
love with two women, Dorothy and
Julie. And you can’t have both.
4/5/19 66

MICHAEL
Yes, I can! This show is making me
a Broadway star. There are no
limits! Dorothy can have it all,
and play the great roles. That list
I made, it didn’t begin to dream
big enough.

“UNSTOPPABLE”

MICHAEL DORSEY, THE MAN WITH THE SCHEME

AND THE MASTER PLAN
COULDN’T BEG BUY OR BORROW HIS DREAM,
BUT NOW DOROTHY CAN.
‘CAUSE SHE’S GOT ME FLYING LIKE A BIRD.
SO HOW TO DESCRIBE IT,
ONLY ONE WORD: UNSTOPPABLE.

JEFF
You’re living a fantasy, my friend.

MICHAEL ENSEMBLE
STAND ASIDE ‘CAUSE THAT OOH
GIRL’S ON A ROLL,
SHE’S UNSTOPPABLE.
ADMIRATION, RESPECT AND OOH
CONTROL,
SHE’S UNSTOPPABLE.
HALF-COCKED, AND DOWN ON MY OOH
KNEES.
DOORS LOCKED, BUT SUDDENLY OOH
SHE’S
RIGHT THERE BESIDE ME TO HAND OH
ME THE KEYS,
UNSTOPPABLE UNSTOPPABLE
UNSTOPPABLE

MICHAEL
WE GOT THE ROLE! WE GOT THE GIG!
WE GOT CONTROL! WE’RE GETTING BIG!
WE TOOK THE CHANCE! WE TOOK THIS TOWN!
TOLD YOU BEFORE, SHOW ME THE DOOR,
I’LL KICK IT DOWN
2/25/19 67

MICHAEL (CONT'D) ENSEMBLE

OH!
WHEN I PUT ON THE WIG AND THE
DRESS
I’M UNFLAPPABLE BOW BOW BA BOW
BA BOW BOW BA BOW
BA BOW
YOU CAN’T START TO CHART
DOROTHY’S SUCCESS,
IT’S UNMAPPABLE DON’T TRY TO SLOW HER DOWN

LIKE THE THRUST OF A

HUMMINGBIRD’S TONGUE
LIKE A BEER KEG THAT’S BLOWN
OUT IT’S BUNG
LIKE A HIPPO PROTECTING HER
YOUNG
UNSTOPPABLE
UNSTOPPABLE
UNSTOPPABLE UNSTOPPABLE
YES! YES!

ENSEMBLE (CONT’D)
UNSTOPPABLE
UNSTOPPABLE
LOOK OUT WORLD, ‘CAUSE THIS GIRL’S ON A ROLL,
SHE’S UNSTOPPABLE
ADMIRATION, RESPECT AND CONTROL,
SHE’S UNSTOPPABLE
ANYWHERE, HOLLYWOOD OR BROADWAY
ANY PART, ANY SCENE, ANY PLAY.
NOTHING AND NO ONE, NOT ANYTHING ANYONE
EVER CAN DO OR SAY CAN STOP HER
UNSTOPPABLE
UNSTOPPABLE
UNSTOPPABLE

MICHAEL/DOROTHY
I’LL BE TAKING THE WORLD OVER SOON,
UNSTOPPABLE
NO USE TRYING TO BURST MY BALLOON
UNPOPPABLE

MICHAEL/DOROTHY (CONT’D) ENSEMBLE

NO MORE WAITING CAUSE AH
THIS IS MY TIME
THERE’S NO MOUNTAIN AH
THESE HEELS CAN’T CLIMB
NOTHING ON EARTH CAN
STOP ME CAUSE I’M
UNSTOPPABLE!
UNSTOPPABLE! UNSTOPPABLE!
UNSTOPPABLE! UNSTOPPABLE!
 68

Michael approaches the theater. HE runs into Julie.

JULIE
Dorothy! Another sold out house
tonight. And it’s because of you.

DOROTHY
It’s because of us.

JULIE
This has turned out better than I
could have imagined. I love you,
Dorothy.

DOROTHY
And I love you!

She gently kisses his cheek. Suddenly, Michael kisses her

passionately. She stands there in shock!

JULIE
--Oh my God!

DOROTHY
--Oh my God!

JULIE
--Oh my God!

DOROTHY
--Oh my God! Julie! Wait!

She steps back, looks, and runs off. Suddenly there is chaos.
The bulbs in the name DOROTHY MICHAELS on the marquee start
to explode, then spell out the word DOOM.

MICHAEL
Shit!

END OF ACT ONE

 69

ACT 2

II-1 INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT

Michael and Jeff are sitting, both with a serious glare.

There’s a long beat of silence. Michael goes to say
something. There’s nothing to say. Then more silence. Then...

“JEFF SUMS IT UP”

JEFF
So, let’s recap...

NOT LONG AGO THERE WAS A MAN,

AN ANGRY GUY, AWKWARDLY AGING
COMMITTED BUT KIND OF SELF DESTRUCTIVE,
WHINING HIS WAY THROUGH LIFE
TIL AMBITION AND

CIRCUMSTANCE CONSPIRED TO
DELIVER AN OPPORTUNITY
NO ONE EXCEPT A MEGLOMANIACAL ACTOR
WITH NOTHING TO REALLY LOSE WOULD CONSIDER.

SO THEN OF COURSE, THIS GUY PUTS- (OH YEA,

THIS GUY IS YOU, IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING)
PUTS ON A DRESS AND WIG AND HEELS
AND ACTUALLY GETS THE PART
AND SURPRISINGLY

EVERYTHING GOES VERY WELL,

BUT THEN (AND HOW DO I SAY IT?)
YOU FUCKED IT UP.
YOU REALLY FUCKED IT UP.

YOU GOT APPLAUSE, YOU GOT THE FAME,

EXCEPT IT WASN’T EXACTLY FOR YOU,
AND NOW YOU’RE IN LOVE WITH A GIRL WHO THINKS
YOU’RE SOMEBODY THAT YOU’RE NOT

AND IN CASE YOU FORGOT,

I’LL TELL YOU WHO YOU REALLY ARE.
YOU’RE THE GUY WHO FUCKED IT UP.
YOU REALLY FUCKED IT UP.

LISTEN, MIKE.
I KNOW WHEN MISTER OPPORTUNITY,
COMES TIP-TOEING AND TEASING
YOU’RE THE KIND OF MAN WHO GRABS HIM BY THE BALLS
BUT THEN WHEN HE
SCREAMS AND SAYS “LET GO OF MY BALLS”
AND YOU JUST KEEP ON SQUEEZING,
WELL THAT’S THE TIME- YOU GOTTA-
10/9/19 70

JEFF (CONT’D)
I’ve lost my train of thought. Mmn.

BUT ANYWAY, YOU GET THE POINT,

YOU SCREWED THE POOCH, EPIC FAIL,
I HATE TO SAY I’M HAPPY TO SAY “I TOLD YOU SO”
BUT IT MAKES ME SO HAPPY-
I TOLD YOU SO. I TOLD YOU SO. I TOLD YOU SO.
YOU FUCKED IT UP.
YOU REALLY FUCKED IT UP!

JEFF (CONT’D) MICHAEL

YOU WENT TITS UP
I WENT TITS UP
MISTAKES WERE MADE
MISTAKES WERE MADE
YOU BIT THE DIRT
I BIT THE DIRT
INSANE IN THE MEMBRANE
GOOD SONG
A MAJOR MALFUNCTION
THE CAPTAIN OF THE HINDENBERG I REALLY BLEW IT.

OH THE HUMANITY
YOU MESSED IT UP
I DID
THE WHEELS CAME OFF THE WHEELS CAME OFF
YOUR BUMPER CAR MY BUMPER CAR
YOU FELL ON YOUR FACE
YOU’RE DEAD IN THE WATER COMPLETE DISASTER
YOU FUCKED IT UP EVERYTHING
YOU - BALL CHANGE LOOKS REALLY BAD
YOU FUCKED IT UP I CASHED AND BURNED
YOU’RE DEAD IN THE WATER
YOU FELL ON YOUR FACE
YOU - FAN KICK!
BUFFALO! BUFFALO!
GOTTA SHUFFLE OFF TO BUFFALO!
JAZZ SQUARE JAZZ HANDS
TRENCHES TRENCHES
TRENCHES TRENCHES

MICHAEL (CONT’D)
‘Hello? Hi! Yes, great! Thank you.’
The cast is heading down to a club,
and they invited Dorothy.
(Thinking) Julie’s been avoiding me
since I kissed her, but, she also
confides in Dorothy what she wants
from a guy, right? So, if I can
meet Julie as Michael, I can use
those things to get her to fall for
me, then fix things between her and
Dorothy.
 71

JEFF
GOOD LUCK TO YOU, GOD BLESS YOU MIKE,
I REALLY REALLY WISH YOU THE BEST
I TELL YOU WHAT, I’M COMING ALONG
FOR MORAL SUPPORT, BECAUSE I’M A FRIEND,
BUT MOSTLY BECAUSE I’M CURIOUS
TO SEE EXACTLY HOW
YOU’LL FUCK IT UP.
BA DA DA DA DA DA!
3/15/19 72

II-2 INT. PIANO BAR - NIGHT

”GONE, GONE, GONE”

JULIE
I WOKE UP THIS MORNING
OUTTA MY BRAIN.
THAT OLD FAMILIAR FEELING
LIKE I’M GONNA GO INSANE.

SCREAMING LIKE A BANSHEE

BARKING LIKE A DOG,
LIKE BLACK IS WHITE
LIKE DAY IS NIGHT
LIKE I’M WALKING IN A TOTAL FOG

JULIE & WOMEN (SAM, KP, DV)

AND I’M FEELING LIKE A FOOL
SOMEONE’S CHANGING ALL THE RULES-
BATS IN THE ATTIC,
FIRE IN THE HOLE
I CAN’T BREATHE, I CAN’T SLEEP, I CAN’T THINK,
BABY I’M GONE GONE GONE

BEES IN THE BONNET

I’M GONNA LOSE CONTROL
BABY I’M GONE GONE GONE GONE GONE.

JULIE
I KEEP HEARING VOICES
DON’T KNOW IF THEY’RE MINE.
BRAIN’S ON VACATION
HEART IS WORKING OVERTIME

BEATING LIKE A DEMON,

AND I CAN’T MAKE IT STOP.
MY MIND IS BRUISED, I’M SO CONFUSED
WAITING FOR THE OTHER SHOE TO DROP.

WOMEN
AND IT’S ALL BECAUSE OF YOU
CAUSE YOU’RE CHANGING ALL THE RULES
3/30/19 6:00 PM 72A

JULIE WOMEN (CONT'D)

BATS IN THE ATTIC BATS IN THE ATTIC
FIRE IN THE HOLE. OH
CAN’T TELL EXACTLY WHERE I AM
CAUSE BABY I’M BABY I’M
GONE GONE GONE. GONE GONE GONE

BEES IN THE BONNET. OOH OOH OOH OOH

I’M GONNA LOSE CONTROL.
GOT NO CONTROL
BABY, I’M BABY, I’M
GONE GONE GONE GONE GONE GONE GONE GONE GONE GONE
JULIE
I’M A RUNAWAY TRAIN AND I’M OFF THE TRACK,
TEN POUNDS OF CRAZY IN A FIVE POUND SACK.
IF SIX WERE NINE, THAT’S HOW I FEEL.
THREE FRIES SHORT OF A HAPPY-MEAL.
JULIE & WOMEN
I’M BENT, I’M BROKE, I’M DIZZY, I’M DOPED, I’M FRIED,
I’M FREAKED I’M

JULIE WOMEN
BATS
IN THE ATTIC
SHE’S LOSING IT I TELL YOU
FIRE IN THE HOLE.
SHE’S CRACKIN’ UP
BABY LOST HER RATTLE.
WAH WAH WAH WAH
YEA, I’M GONE GONE GONE. GONE GONE GONE
OUT OF THE SADDLE
YIPPEEAY YIPPEEAY KAYAY
OUT OF CONTROL
SHE’S LOST HER SOUL
BABY I’M GONE GONE GONE GONE GONE GONE
GONE
BEES IN THE BONNET
ZU ZU ZU ZAY ZI
BUGS IN THE DOME ZU ZI ZU ZU ZU ZU
I’M NOT SURE I’M SURE I’M
COMING BACK CAUSE COMING BACK
BABY I’M GONE GONE GONE BABY I’M GONE GONE GONE
LIGHTS IN THE WINDOWS I’M BENT I’M BROKE I’M DIZZY
BUT NOBODY’S HOME I’M DOPED, I’M FRIED, I’M
FREAKED, I’M BATS
BABY I’M
JULIE & WOMEN
GONE GONE GONE
BABY I’M GONE GONE GONE
BABY I’M GONE GONE GONE GONE GONE.
4/8/19 73

MICHAEL
Isn’t she great, Jeff? I’m telling
you, I feel good about this.

JEFF
Michael, is this wise. I’m sorry,
let me rephrase that. This isn’t
wise.

Just then, Ron walks towards them and sees Michael.

RON
You!!

MICHAEL
Ron?!

RON
I’ve heard so little about you
since I fired you. Are you still
acting, or are you over acting?

MICHAEL
I’d say that was a direct insult,
but I know how challenged you are
at directing anything.

RON
I’m sure you’re aware, since you
live on earth, I’ve created what
promises to be, dare I say, a
gargantuan hit. There. I dared.

MICHAEL
Right. Everyone’s talking about it,
well, about Dorothy Michaels.

RON
Are they? Between us, she had no
real talent. And she was out of
control. But I wrangled her. Molded
her. I created her.
3/27/19 74

MICHAEL
You think her success was because
of you? I think you’re lucky to
have her.

RON
Do you? Have I ever told you how
much I admire actors as smart as
you?

MICHAEL
Actually, no.

RON
Did you ever wonder why that is?
(Beat) There’s something about you.

Ron glares at Jeff, then walks away. Michael fumes.

MICHAEL
He’s taking credit for Dorothy?
Well I’ll show him what it’s like
to actually connect with a woman.
You’re a writer Jeff. Take notes.
4/11/19 75-75A

Michael hands him a bar napkin and a pen, smiles with

confidence, and walks towards Julie, who is holding a drink.

MICHAEL (CONT’D)
Hi. Mike Dorsey.

JULIE
Hi.

MICHAEL
I know you, right? You’re an
actress.

JULIE
I’m an actress, but you don’t know
me.

MICHAEL
Actually, I think I do.

JULIE
I don’t think you do.

MICHAEL
Come on. I’m a nice guy, and you
look like the kind of woman who
deserves a nice guy.

JULIE
As opposed to women who don’t?

MICHAEL
No, see, that wasn’t what I... I
didn’t mean... can we start over?

JULIE
Sure. You look like the kind of
guy who needs to start over.
4/15/19 76-76A

MICHAEL
I just wanted to be honest about
who I am and what I want... which
would be to understand you,
celebrate you, and if I’m lucky, be
the most generous lover, not afraid
to share my desires, so willing to
please you, that you’d want to
please me. That would be a--

Julie glares at him, grins, then throws a drink in his face.

She gets up, and exits.

MICHAEL (CONT’D)
--mazing.

Jeff laughs as they exit the bar.

3/1/19 77

II-3 INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT

Michael and Jeff enter the apartment.
JEFF
Almost done. (Writing) The vodka
still dripping down his face as he
left...
MICHAEL
Okay, so I had a little setback.
I’ve conquered more difficult
challenges than this.
JEFF
Yes, crazier things are possible.
Penguins can rotate their heads 360
degrees. But only once.
Suddenly, there’s a pounding at the door.
SANDY [O.S.]
Michael! Are you there? It’s Sandy.
MICHAEL
Sandy! Crap. I stood her up.
JEFF
You stood her up?!
MICHAEL
Do not open that door!
JEFF
(It’s too good) You know I have to.
Jeff opens the door. Sandy storms in and approaches Michael.
SANDY
Tell me the truth, Michael. Did you
stand me up to be with another
woman?
MICHAEL
Yes.
SANDY
Don’t lie to me.
MICHAEL
Yes!?
4/12/19 78

SANDY
How could you! You know not getting
that musical has consumed me. I
needed you tonight, Michael. I
really thought we were trying to be
friends.

MICHAEL
We are.

SANDY
Friends don’t lie to each other. I
cooked for you, Michael. And for
what? I ended up alone in my
apartment, trying to do the Dirty
Dancing lift with my cat. Turns
out, he isn’t very strong.

MICHAEL
Sandy, something came up. It’s
complicated.

SANDY
You asked me to dinner, Michael. I
didn’t disappoint you. I deserve
better!

MICHAEL
Sandy. I hear you! I let you down.
I should know better. I’ll be
honest from now on.

SANDY
So was she prettier than me?

MICHAEL
Yes.

SANDY
Don’t lie to me!

MICHAEL
No.
4/10/19 79-80

SANDY
Good. Oh, and to make my night
even worse, I finally went online
and saw who they cast in that show.
Dorothy Michaels? So annoying.
JEFF
Annoying? Tell us why.
SANDY
She shows you exactly how hard
she’s working. I mean really, who’d
she sleep with to get that part?
MICHAEL
Sandy, I would think you, more than
anyone, who battles for every
opportunity, would rise above petty
jealousy and be supportive of
another woman’s success.
SANDY
Oh, Michael... no.
She leaves.
MICHAEL
Damnit Jeff, Sandy’s right. I
disappoint people. I disappointed
Julie and she has no idea why.
JEFF
Then go be honest with her.
MICHAEL
If she finds out who I am now,
she’ll feel betrayed. (Beat) But...
JEFF
No!
MICHAEL
--Dorothy can go over and be honest.
JEFF
No!!!
MICHAEL
I won’t go down like this! I love her,
Jeff. I am a man in love! Toss me my
bra.
Jeff does. Michael exits.
4/15/19 81

II-4 INT. LIGHTS UP ON JULIE’S APARTMENT - NIGHT

JULIE
Ron. It’s not going to happen.

RON
Why not? Do you know how many women I
say no to every day, just in the hopes of
someday being with you?!

JULIE
Then this works out for us and them.

RON
Say you’ll give me a chance, or I’ll jump
out this window!

JULIE
You won’t jump out the window.

RON
See, you know me so well. Julie, I
admit I’m rigid, as well as
wealthy, but I’m also a generous
guy. I gave my brother a kidney. He
wasn’t even sick! And yes, I’ve had
numerous wives, some of them my
own, but none like you. You make me
feel alive!

JULIE
You hardly even know me.

RON
I know everything about you. Every
minuscule detail.

JULIE
What’s my favorite color?

RON
Blue. Red. Purple. Green--

JULIE
--It’s pink--
3/7/19 82

RON
(As she’s finishing saying pink)
--Pink! It’s pink. And mine is tan.

JULIE
Ron, I don’t feel the same way.

RON
You’re kind of giving me mixed
signals.

There’s a knock. Julie opens the door.

JULIE
Hi...

DOROTHY
Hi-- oh. Sorry. I could come back?

JULIE
Come in. Ron was just leaving.

Ron sees Dorothy looking at Julie.

RON
Oh, I get it. This is your fault,
somehow. You soured her on me.

DOROTHY
You did that just fine for yourself.

RON
Tell me something, missy, is it all
men you don’t like, or is it just
me?

Dorothy begins to talk, then Julie jumps in...

DOROTHY
Honest? I don’t like the way you
condescend to actors or take credit
for creativity. I don’t like your
petulance, or your superiority, or
your complete lack of internal
debate. I don’t like how you care
about nothing, but talk about
everything, and I don’t like what I
assume are your reasons for liking
Julie. So no, Ron, it’s not all
men, it’s you.
10/9/19 83

RON
(To Dorothy) Yeah, well, enjoy your
moment, because you will never work
in any show I ever do, in the
pantheon of ever, then even after
that, after that.

DOROTHY
I’ve heard that before.

RON
There’s something about you. (Then)
Julie--

She closes the door on him.

DOROTHY
Julie, about what happened. I know you’re
upset, and I just want to explain,
somehow...

JULIE
--No. Let me talk. I’ve been so focused
on my career, I ignored what I didn’t
have until suddenly, there it was.
Unexpected. Unavoidable. And it’s you.
It’s how you make me feel, how you
completely get me. Let’s do this!

DOROTHY
Let’s do what?

JULIE
This!

DOROTHY
This?

JULIE
Us!

DOROTHY
Us? This us? Us us?
10/9/19 84

JULIE
I know it’s not the package I imagined.
DOROTHY
That depends on what it is you
imagined.
JULIE
You can’t help who you fall in love with.
And you are who I fell in love with.
She leans in to kiss him. Michael almost returns the kiss--
DOROTHY
--I can’t!
JULIE
--You can’t?
DOROTHY
--I can’t.
JULIE
--Why can’t you?
DOROTHY
--I’m not a lesbian.
JULIE
--Neither am I.
DOROTHY
--But you can be.
JULIE
--Then so can you.
DOROTHY
--No, I really really, really really can’t.
JULIE
I know it’s scary. We can take it
slow. Start from the waist up.
DOROTHY
It’s not that, well it is that, but
it’s not that. I don’t think I can
give you what you want.
JULIE
I don’t understand. You kissed me!
Mouth opened! With tongue!
DOROTHY
I know. I do that.
3/1/19 85

JULIE
I trusted you.

DOROTHY
And I want you to. I just... I wish
I could explain.

JULIE
Stop. Don’t. You should leave.

She goes and opens the door for her. Dorothy stops, but
realizes there’s nothing to say, and leaves.

“WHO ARE YOU (REPRISE)”

JULIE (CONT’D)
YOU THINK YOU’VE GOT IT FIGURED OUT
SO PERFECTLY
YOU LOCKED YOURSELF INSIDE A BOX
THEN SUDDENLY,
THERE’S THE KEY

SOMEBODY I COULD TALK TO

LIKE SOMEONE I’VE ALWAYS KNOWN

WHO ARE YOU?

WHO ARE YOU?
3/23/19 86

II-5 INT. THE APARTMENT - LATER

Michael enters and starts to take ‘Dorothy’ off, clearly

upset. He sits for a moment. Suddenly, he hears muffled
singing. It stops, then starts again. He goes to open the
window. The singing is full on. We see it’s Max.

“THIS THING”

MAX
WHAT IS THIS THING I’M FEELING,
BUBBLING UP INSIDE ME,
LIFTING ME TOWARDS THE CEILING?
DOROTHY!

DOROTHY
What?!

MAX
DOROTHY DOROTHY DOROTHY

NEIGHBOR [O.S.]
Hey. Shut up! People live here!

MAX
WHAT IS THIS SOUND I’M HEARING?
IS IT A BELL TO GUIDE ME?
OUT OF THIN AIR APPEARING—
DOROTHY! DOROTHY! DOR…

NEIGHBOR [O.S.]
Hey. Shut up! Shut the fuck up!

DOROTHY
Fine. Come up. 5N.

She buzzes him in. We SLOWLY hear footsteps getting louder

and louder. They stop. Then start again, closer and closer.
Then we hear panting on the other side of the door. Then a
buzzer. Max makes his way up to the apartment, panting. Then--

MAX
WHAT IS THIS THING?
THAT MAKES ME TOSS IN MY BED
‘CAUSE I’M WRACKED WITH DISTRACTING DESIRES?
THIS THING, GOD,
IT’S JAMMED IN MY HEAD
LIKE A NAIL
AND I CAN’T FIND THE PLIERS
 87

MAX (CONT’D)
“GET IT OUT!” I EXCLAIM,
THEN I THINK OF YOUR NAME
AND I FEEL LIKE A MOTH
HEADING RIGHT FOR THE FEMALE MOTH.
THAT MOTH IS YOU!
WHAT CAN I DO?
WHAT IS THIS THING THAT I’M FEELING?

IT’S ODD, YOU’RE SO OLD, I’M SO YOUNG

AND MY ABS ARE LIKE SLABS OF FINE GRANITE
MY BOD IS LIKE GOLD AND I’M HUNG
AND YOU’RE OLD, OH I SAID THAT,
BUT DAMMIT!
I DON’T CARE YOU’RE NOT THIN
YOU’RE UNDER MY SKIN
AND I KNOW SOMETHING SPECIAL’S ABOUT TO
BE STARTING REAL SOON
I’M OVER THE MOON!
WHAT IS THIS THING? WHAT IS THIS THING?

He starts his seduction, a chase, as Michael fends him off.

Michael gets him in a wresting hold. Max moans with pleasure.

MAX (CONT’D)
THIS THING HAS ME WORRIED AND SCARED
BUT IT’S FINALLY TIME TO REVEAL IT
IT’S RIPE AND IT’S BIG
AND IT WANTS TO BE SHARED
AND I NEED YOU TO REACH DOWN AND FEEL IT!
YES, I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER
NO, I’M NOT BASHFUL TO PROVE IT.

He rips off his shirt. There is a bloody tattoo of Dorothy.

DOROTHY
Is that... me?!

MAX
YES, IT’S A LITTLE INFECTED,
NO, I WILL NEVER REMOVE IT
THIS THING WILL REMAIN
LIKE A PERMANENT STAIN
LIKE A VOICE THAT KEEPS TAUNTING
A HAUNTING REFRAIN,
LIKE THAT WONDERFUL SPIKE
THAT YOU DROVE IN MY BRAIN
THIS THING! THIS THING CALLED... YOOOOOUUUUUU!

Suddenly, Jeff opens the door and enters. After a long beat--

JEFF
You trollop.
 88

DOROTHY
Max Van Horn, Jeff Slater.

JEFF
How could you? And with our
cantonese baby on the way.

MAX
I’m her baby now.

JEFF
She’s always had a weakness for a
good chest. (Seeing tattoo) With
her face on it.

MAX
I will fight you until the blood of
our rivalry stains these walls.

JEFF
--She’s all yours.

DOROTHY
Maybe you should leave!

MAX
This is not over, Jeff! (To
Dorothy, bowing) Adeaus...

He buttons up his shirt, in slight pain, and leaves. During

the following, Michael sheds himself of Dorothy, leaving on
only his earrings.

JEFF
Is it because I’ve put on weight?

MICHAEL
Don’t you start with me. You
wouldn’t believe the night I had.
Jeff, Julie told me she wants us to
be together.

JEFF
As women?

MICHAEL
As women!

JEFF
Well now I’m invested.
4/10/19 89

MICHAEL
She tried to kiss me. She leaned
in, our eyes connecting, her
perfume mixing with mine. And all I
could do was stand there. I love
her, Jeff. This could not get any
worse!

There’s a knock at the door.

STAN [O.S.]
Michael? It’s Stan.

JEFF
Maybe it can.

MICHAEL
Stan? What the hell does he want?

Stan knocks again.

JEFF
Michael, Stan is at the door.

MICHAEL
My agent Stan or Stan who--
sometimes stops by?

STAN [O.S.]
It’s your agent, Stan.

MICHAEL
[If needed for time] Let’s find
out.

Jeff opens the door as Michael finishes becoming ‘Michael.’

MICHAEL (CONT’D)
Stan, hey.

STAN
Michael, what the hell is going on?
I’ve been trying to call you for
days. (Then) Are you wearing
earrings?

MICHAEL
Yes I am.
 90

STAN
Listen, Michael. You got the play.

MICHAEL
The play? What play?

STAN
The play! ‘Anywhere But Nowhere.’

MICHAEL
I thought they wanted a name?

STAN
They decided to go with talent.

MICHAEL
(Panicked) Jeff. I got the play.

STAN
This is all you hounded me about
for months. You cornered me in my
office.

MICHAEL
I thought you fired me in your
office?

STAN
That was before you got the play.
And now it’s yours.

JEFF
And now it’s yours.

MICHAEL
And now I can’t take it.

STAN
Why can’t you take it?

MICHAEL
Why can’t I take it, Jeff?

JEFF
He can’t take it because he’s doing
my play.

STAN
Your play? What is your play?

JEFF
It’s a great play.
10/9/19 91

MICHAEL
Great play. It takes place in...
JEFF MICHAEL (CONT'D)
One Day. --Cleveland.
MICHAEL (CONT’D)
It’s called ‘One Day In Cleveland.’
STAN
Jesus Christ, Michael. Are you
passing on a Pulitzer prize winning
playwright for a play by this guy?
MICHAEL
‘This guy’ is my best friend.
STAN
Fine. If you want to make sure no
one ever hears the name Michael
Dorsey, you just did. This is the
most insane thing you’ve ever done.
MICHAEL
It’s really not.
STAN
Goodbye Michael.
Stan storms out. Michael collapses into a chair.
MICHAEL
Julie thinks I’m a lesbian who
rejected her. Sandy resents me and
the woman she doesn’t know I am. I
turned down one of the best written
plays in contemporary theater, and
there’s a guy walking around with
an infected tattoo of my face on
his chest.
JEFF
And if you could fix one of those,
right now, which would it be?
MICHAEL
Julie. None of this is worth losing
Julie.
JEFF
Then do exactly what you shouldn’t
do, go back there one more time and
figure something out!
10/9/19 92

[Note: by the end of the following he is dressed as Dorothy.]

“WHADDYA DO (REPRISE 2)”

JEFF (CONT’D)
WHADDYA DO WHEN EVERYTHING 
IS HAPPENING, BUT EVERYTHING
THAT’S HAPPENING HAS GOT YOU IN DISTRESS?
WHADDYA DO, YOUR FUTURE CALLS
SO GROW YOURSELF A PAIR OF BALLS
AND TAKE THOSE BALLS AND PUT THEM IN THIS DRESS!

SO YOUR LIFE IS A JOKE

YOU THINK EVERYTHING IS BROKE?
WELL, GRAB A ROLL OF DUCT-TAPE AND SOME GLUE!
WHADDYA GONNA DO? YOU’RE GONNA 
FIX YOUR HAIR AND GO OUT THERE
AND BE THE MAN AND WOMAN THAT YOU ARE.

MICHAEL
THAT’S THE ONLY WAY TO WIN.
YOU GOTTA GO ALL IN.

BOTH
WELL I’M/YOU’RE ALL—

The front door opens again, and Stan enters. He walks back in
to get the phone he forgot. The guys stand frozen.

STAN
Sorry. I left my damn phone.
(Seeing Dorothy) Oh. Hey. I’m a big
fan. Nice to meet you.

He grabs his phone and exits. Michael and Jeff just stand
there. They don’t move. Frozen in place. They wait. Wait.
Wait. Wait. Then, SLOWLY the door opens and Stan re-enters.

MICHAEL
Stan.

STAN
(Realizing) No. no no, no, no no.

JEFF
Stan Fields, Dorothy Michaels.

STAN
Oh, Jesus Christ, Michael. You look
like my wife.
10/9/19 93

MICHAEL
You said I’d never work again.
I was desperate.

STAN
This goes beyond desperate. Even
for an actor.

MICHAEL
I took a chance.

STAN
They say you’re gonna be nominated
for a Tony! I was gonna vote for
you!

MICHAEL
I’m so humbled--

STAN
Fuck you! I can’t see this. If I
see this, I’m complicit. If I’m
asked about this, I can’t lie!

MICHAEL
Can’t lie? You’re an agent. It’s a
job requirement!

STAN
So this is how you’re going to live
out your career? As someone else?

MICHAEL
No. Maybe. I don’t know. You’re not
being very supportive.

STAN
Michael, the world is changing and
we have to change with it. Be a he,
be a she, be a they, use whatever
bathroom you want and don’t let
anybody tell you, you can’t. But
what you’ve done here is some
uncharted form of theatrical
suicide. When people find out about
this, and believe me, they WILL
find out, you’ll be the most hated
man and woman on Broadway!
3/30/19 94

MICHAEL
Then what do you suggest I do? We
open tomorrow night!

STAN
That’s not my problem. And you know
why it’s not my problem? Because
you’re fired. Again! (To Jeff) And
you! Send me your play!

JEFF
There’s no play.

STAN
--And fuck you too!

Stan exits. Michael collapses into a chair.

3/23/19 95

II-6 EXT. OUTSIDE AROUND TOWN

“THE MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT OF MY LIFE”
MAX
IT’S SIX FIFTEEN IN THE MORNING
AND MY CLOCK’S GOING BEEP BEEP BEEP
SHOE’S ON, I’M DRESSED, NO REST
‘CAUSE I NEVER REALLY GOT TO SLEEP
SUZIE
ALL NIGHT, JAW TIGHT, EYES WIDE,
WAITING FOR THE DAY TO COME
STUART
MY HEART BEAT: BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM
BOOMING LIKE A BIG BASS DRUM
MAX, STUART, SUZIE
CAN’T BELIEVE THE SHOW’S GONNA OPEN TONIGHT!
MAX
THIS IS THE
MAX, STUART, SUZIE
THE MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT
THE MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT
THE MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT OF MY LIFE
MAX, STUART, SUZIE, STAGE MANAGER,
+ PLC, LDF
THE MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT
THE MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT
THE MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT OF MY LIFE
RITA
THIS IS THE MOMENT OF TRUTH,
THERE’S NO TURNING BACK
JAG, HM, AW
BETTER CHEW A FEW ASPRIN
IN CASE I GET A HEART ATTACK
WOMAN (SAM)
YES BANGS, NO BANGS, YES BANGS
I DON’T KNOW...
STYLIST (DK)
OH JESUS!
MAN 1 (HM)
CAN’T WAIT
MAN 2 (AW)
CAN’T WAIT
4/16/19 96

MAN 3 (JAG)
CAN’T WAIT
STAGE MANAGER
HERE’S OUR FUTURE ON A SILVER PLATE
RON
JUST DON’T PANIC, DON’T GET MANIC...
RELAXATION IS KEY!
THIS IS THE

RON, JAG, AW, LDF, DV

THE MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT
THE MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT
THE MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT OF MY LIFE
RON
THE MOST IMPORTANT SHOW
THIS’LL BE MY OKLAHO-MY GOD
THE MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT OF MY LIFE
STUART
CAN’T BREATHE, I CAN’T REMEMBER WHAT MY LUNGS SHOULD DO.
SUZIE
BEEN DREAMING THIS ALL OF MY LIFE AND
TONIGHT IT ALL COMES TRUE.
LDF, SAM, PLC
RED CARPET, CROWD WILL GREET US.
DV, HM, AW
BIG PARTY WITH MARGARITAS.
PLC
MY DREAM SINCE I WAS A FETUS, LONG OVERDUE.
ENSEMBLE
EV’RY SINGLE LIVING HUMAN BEING’S GOT TO AGREE-
JM
THIS IS THE
RITA, MAX, ENSEMBLE
THE MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT
THE MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT
THE MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT OF MY LIFE
THE MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT
HOPE EV’RYTHING GOES ALL RIGHT
THE MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT
 97

Stage door/backstage set comes on. ALL backstage doing

physical and vocal warmups

ENSEMBLE
(HM, AW, DV, DK, LDF, JAG, SAM)
RED LEATHER, YELLOW LEATHER

SOLO (DK)
THE MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT

DUET (+ JAG)
THE MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT

DUET AND SOME ENSEMBLE (+ SAM, JM, HM)

THE MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT

+MORE (+ KP, DV, AW, LDF)

THE MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT
3/5/19 98

MAX, ENSEMBLE STUART, SUZIE, PLC

THE MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT
WE’RE GONNA OPEN TONIGHT
THE MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT
WE’RE GONNA OPEN TONIGHT

RON, AW, JAG

THE MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT MY GOD, OH MY GOD

STUART, SUZIE, PLC

WE’RE GONNA OPEN TONIGHT

RON, AW, JAG

THE MOST MY GOD, OH MY GOD
OH MY GOD

STUART, SUZIE, PLC

IMPORTANT NIGHT WE’RE GONNA OPEN TONIGHT

STAGE MANAGER
OF MY LIFE!

RON, AW, JAG

THE MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT MY GOD, OH MY GOD
OH MY GOD

STUART, SUZIE, PLC

WE’RE GONNA OPEN TONIGHT

RON, AW, JAG

THE MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT MY GOD, OH MY GOD
OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD

STUART, SUZIE, PLC

WE’RE GONNA OPEN TONIGHT

RON, AW, JAG

THE MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT MY GOD, OH MY GOD
OH MY GOD

ALL
THE MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT OF MY...

RITA
Half hour, everyone.

RITA, RON, MAX, ENSEMBLE

OH MY GOD IT ALL BEGINS TONIGHT!
 99

II-7 INT. MICHAEL’S DRESSING ROOM - OPENING NIGHT

The dressing room is filled with flowers. Michael, in a

bathrobe, is talking to Rita.

RITA
It’s an exciting night.

DOROTHY
Yes it is.

RITA
This show will be a success, and
it’s mostly due to you.

DOROTHY
Thank you for taking a chance on an
unknown.

RITA
Dorothy, I’m rich. Not in family or
friends. In money, the good rich. I
got that way by betting on myself.
You may not believe this, but
growing up, I was a wallflower. In
school I was voted ‘who is that?’
Then I realized my potential, and
now I grab success when I see it.
So...

Rita hands her some papers with a bow on them.

RITA (CONT’D)
Opening night gift. I’m extending
your contract another year.

DOROTHY
Another year?

RITA
Add that to the one we’ve got you
for, and Dorothy Michaels will be
playing The Nurse for a long time.

DOROTHY
Yes. That is a long, long time.

Michael looks at the contracts. It hits him.

4/13/19 6:00 PM 100

RITA
What? Oh. I get it. What do you
want? More money?
DOROTHY
No, it’s not that.
RITA
‘It’s not that?’ Well played.
You’ve done this before, I see.
Fine. Double your salary, minus
half.
DOROTHY
It’s just, two years is a long
time.
RITA
Dorothy, I’ve gotten botox, so
people tend to misunderstand what
I’m saying. Let me be clear.
Creative approval and keep your
costumes. Final offer!
DOROTHY
You drive a hard bargain.
RITA
Jesus, you don’t flinch! Six weeks
vacation and paid maternity leave,
which, let’s be honest, I’m not
worried about that. Take it or
leave it!
DOROTHY
I don’t know what Max is being
paid, but assure Julie the same,
and you have a Deal.
RITA
Deal.

DOROTHY
Rita. For however long I’m here, I
love this show and you are the best
at what you do.
RITA
Thank you. Sometimes I wish my
first husband could look down from
heaven and see me now. But no, the
bastard is still alive.
She leaves. Michael looks even more distressed. There’s a
knock on the door. It’s Max.
4/9/19 6:00 PM 101

DOROTHY
Max. Now is not the--

MAX
-- Dorothy, I think I know what
you’re going to say. (Beat) Nope.
Not a clue. So let me say what I
think I’m going to say. Growing
up, I never felt like I fit in,
other than with the popular kids.
And I had my share of humiliations.
Like the time someone told me my
grammar was horrible, and I said,
“my gramma is 97 and I love her.”
I always felt different. Then I met
you. You helped me discover
something I never knew I had.
Talent. You believed in me. You
showed me what it feels like to be
a member of a company, and tonight,
this member gets thrust into your
opening. And I couldn’t want
anything, or anyone, more.

He kisses her hand.

DOROTHY
Max... you don’t need my help.
Trust yourself.

MAX
That’s what gramma used to say.

He smiles and exits.

ANNOUNCER
Fifteen minutes. The call is
fifteen minutes.

Max exits. Michael paces, when suddenly, Julie enters.

JULIE
Oh, I’m sorry. I thought you’d be
on stage warming up. I wanted to
leave you this note, for opening...

DOROTHY
Julie, wait.
4/9/19 102

JULIE
Dorothy, you’ve never been anything
but honest with me, so I wouldn’t
be honest if I didn’t tell you how
much you mean to me. I really do
love you.

DOROTHY
And I love you.

JULIE
On that stage, I’ll be there for
you, but it’s best if we don’t see
each other any more. (Beat) Opening
nights usually make me so happy. I
wish this one did.

She exits. Dorothy sits at her dressing table.

“TALK TO ME DOROTHY”

MICHAEL
SO HERE I AM
DESPERATE AND DIZZY
HANGING BY ONE HAND
FROM THE THINNEST BRANCH

TOTALLY MIXED UP
TOTALLY FED UP
RIDING THE EDGE
OF THE AVALANCHE

I KNOW HOW I GOT HERE

I KNOW I’VE BEEN STUPID
I KNOW IT’S MY FAULT BUT
I COULD REALLY USE SOME HELP

WHAT DID I WANT?

WHAT WAS MY HURRY?
DRAWN TO THE SPOTLIGHT
BUT IT’S NOT THE SUN
WALKING ON ICE,
LOADED WITH WORRY
IS THAT WHAT YOU FINALLY GET
ONCE YOUR RACE IS RUN?

SO TALK TO ME DOROTHY,
YOU’RE SMARTER THAN I AM
TELL ME, WHY WAS I 
SO HUNGRY BEFORE?
4/1/19 6:00 PM 103

MICHAEL (CONT’D)
YOUR WATERS RUN DEEPER
DEEPER THAN MINE
YOU’VE GIVEN ME SO MUCH
AND NOW I NEED MORE

LET ME SEE THROUGH THOSE EYES OF YOURS

ALL OF THESE PEOPLE,
ALL OF THESE PEOPLE YOU’VE HELPED ME TO LOVE

LET ME HEAR THROUGH YOUR EARS

AND MAYBE THIS NOISE
CAN TURN INTO SOME KIND OF MUSIC—

THERE’S YOU AND THERE’S ME

WITH A HEART YOU DISCOVERED
AND HANDS THAT ARE STEADY
AND WARM TO THE TOUCH
SO TALK TO ME, DOROTHY
YOU TAUGHT ME HOW TO SING
CAN YOU HELP ME, DOROTHY

MICHAEL (CONT'D) MEN

TALK TO ME, PLEASE AHH

During the following Verona starts to appear...

WOMEN MEN (CONT'D)
I WON’T LET YOU DOWN
(GOODBYE) WE LOVE YOU (GOODBYE)
WE LOVE YOU
(GOODBYE) WE LOVE YOU (GOODBYE)
YOU WON’T LET US DOWN WE LOVE YOU
ARRIVEDERCI ARRIVEDERCI (GOODBYE)

WOMEN AND MEN

WE BID YOU FAREWELL
SO LONG, GOOD--

The shadowy figures now are lit and we see they are the
ensemble from Juliet’s Nurse, as they gather to say goodbye
to the Nurse and Craig. The music morphs into a Tarantella.
4/15/19 6:00 PM 104

II-8 INT. ONSTAGE

“ARRIVEDERCI!”
ENSEMBLE
--BYE, FAREWELL AND ARRIVEDERCI NURSE.
SO LONG-A MY FRIEND, WE LOVE YOU-
ENSEMBLE 1 (DK)
Hey, done-a forget your purse!
ENSEMBLE
WE FEEL SO BAD YOU’RE GOING
AND I BETCHA WE’LL FEEL WORSE
WHEN-A YOU’RE GONE.
SO LONG AND ARRIVEDERCI NURSE!

Juliet now steps forward towards the Nurse.

JULIET
‘Dear Nurse, as we end our story,
we learn our truths from those that
are wiser, as I have learned from
you...’

NURSE
‘That we need only to be truthful,
to be happy.’

JULIET
‘And so we say to you... farewell!’

Music begins again...

ENSEMBLE NURSE
FAREWELL AND ARRIVEDERCI HON.
WE’RE REALLY GONNA ‘A MISS But... but...
YOU
IT’S BEEN A LOT OF FUN. But... but...

The music stops.

NURSE (CONT’D)
Before I go, there is another truth
you must know. A story.
10/9/19 105-106

JULIET
A story? What story?
NURSE
The story of how I got to Verona.
The story of... a young girl. A
girl so pure, the angels themselves
named her. Angel. Angel (Looking
out) Mezzanini.
JULIE
Come, you can tell me your story as
we go.

NURSE
No, no, no! You see, Angel was so
desperate, she left the vicious
world she knew, and Vespa’d, many,
many, many miles toward - Verona,
with her dream of being... a nurse!
But, but, the journey was a
dangerous one, for you see, Angel
had... a wooden leg. And a real
foot. She hobbled through the
winter streets of Europe; Croatia,
Hungary, very hungry until...
something... happened. She, she,
she, she --
CRAIG
She got sick!
NURSE
--Yes. Well done, Craig! For as
Angel lay, one organ shutting down
at a time, all alone, near a small
river in Crimea--
CRAIG
Crimea river?
NURSE
--She limped for the last time. But
her death was not in vain. For you
see... she had... (Seeing Craig) a
brother!!
CRAIG
Brother? She had a brother?
10/9/19 107

NURSE
Oh yes she did! Who loved her so
deeply, he traveled to Verona
himself to fulfill her destiny for
her. And who is this brother,
you’re wondering? Well I’ll tell
you. I’m not who you think I am
underneath this dress. The truth
is, I’m not Juliet’s Nurse... I am,
I am...

JULIE
What are you doing?

DOROTHY
(Beat) What am I doing? I haven’t
been truthful, and I’m sorry. You
see, I’m not even Dorothy Michaels.

Michael pulls off his eye lashes and wig, and starts wiping
off his make-up.

DOROTHY/MICHAEL
The truth is... I’m Michael Dorsey.

Everyone gasps.

MICHAEL
I know, I know. I’m Michael Dorsey,
an actor that no one would hire. A
desperate actor, who just wanted to
work.

We pin spot on Rita.

RITA
Son of a bitch!

We pin spot on Ron

RON
There is something about her.
10/9/19 108

We pin spot on Max, who is rubbing his tattoo.

MAX
Mistake, mistake.

MICHAEL
Julie.

Julie slowly walks towards him. She stands in front of him.

They look at each other. There is a silence. She just turns,
and walks offstage. Max walks up to him and leans in.

MAX
Does Jeff know?

We hear or see a montage of TV news stories.

NEWSCASTER 1
Breaking news, a new Broadway
musical becomes a scandalous story
of he-said-she-said --

NEWSCASTER 2
--On tonight’s evening news, a
Broadway opening opened a heated
debate on sexism --

NEWSCASTER 3
--Did a Broadway actor just widen
the gender gap?

NEWSCASTER 4
--Was it fraud, or a clever ploy
for equal play?

NEWSCASTER 5
Tonight on Fox News; A Broadway
leading lady turns out to be a real
dick.
3/30/19 109

II-9 INT. MICHAEL AND JEFF’S APARTMENT - DAY

Jeff is in the apartment watching this and laughing. In the

distance we hear a woman’s scream. It gets closer, stops,
then closer. Sandy enters, finishing her primal scream. She
makes her way through the apartment, abusing one of
‘Dorothy’s’ wigs on a wig stand, throwing ‘Dorothy’s’ clothes
out the window, tossing a pair of her shoes, and finally
playing tug of war with a dress she tries to rip.

SANDY
I’m gonna rip this. I’m gonna rip
it. I’m gonna rip it till it’s
ripped!

It wins. She collapses in exhaustion onto a chair.

JEFF
So, you heard?

SANDY
This is a new low, even for me.

JEFF
Is it, though?

SANDY
What is my life, Jeff? I’m thirty
seve-- two, unemployed, broke, and
alone. It’s just so hard to be
chasing so many dreams, and not
catch one.

JEFF
Sandy, stop using Michael’s
narcissism as an excuse for your
lack of success.

SANDY
Glass houses, Jeff! Or to use a
quote from your latest play, oh
right, there isn’t one. What I say
may annoy you, but at least I have
something to say.
4/2/19 6:00 PM 110

JEFF
That you’re stuck on a guy who has
rendered you emotionally paralyzed?

SANDY
At least I’m not stuck in the same
sentence.

JEFF
Trust me, if I was writing this,
I’d put us both out of our misery.

SANDY
Then write it! Write something. Unless
you’ve run out of creativity.

JEFF
You’re judging me on creativity?
You named your cat Whiskers! That’s
like naming your kid ‘Eyebrows’.

SANDY
Well you know what, Jeff? My cat
wrote a play!

JEFF
Sandy, you are a frustrating and
chaotic woman, and it’s beyond
distressing how incredibly aroused
I am right now.

SANDY
Oh my God, are you hitting on me?!

JEFF
I’m suddenly and irrationally
inspired and stimulated by your
defiant, neurotic self destruction.
2/25/19 111

SANDY
Well your slovenly, passive,
overgrown apathy is really hot to
me right now as well. No wait, this
is a bad idea.

“WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN (REPRISE 2)”

SANDY (CONT’D)
I KNOW WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN.
IT ONLY TAKES A MINUTE,
WE’RE GONNA FALL IN LOVE
OR MAYBE I’M ALREADY IN IT
THEN SUDDENLY WE’RE DATING
AND THEN WE’RE MOVING IN
AND THEN BEFORE YOU KNOW IT WE’LL BE--

He grabs her and kisses her. She pulls away. Then...

SANDY (CONT’D)
I will ride you. Then I will own
you.

She then pulls him into the bedroom, awkwardly ripping each
other’s clothes off.
4/8/19 112

II-10 INT. MICHAEL AND JEFF’S APARTMENT - THE NEXT MORNING

Michael enters, holding his heels and dragging his ripped

dress behind him. Jeff enters from the bedroom and sees him.

JEFF
The prodigal daughter returns.

MICHAEL
I spent the whole night walking the
streets. What was I thinking, Jeff?

JEFF
Michael, every once in a while,
desperation can lead to something
productive. Riverdance was invented
by a guy with seven kids and one
bathroom. Your desperation led you
here.

MICHAEL
I lied, hurt people I care about,
lost the one person I truly love,
and for what? My own ambition? It
was reckless and self-serving.

JEFF
If only someone could have warned
you.

MICHAEL
Turns out, there are things more
important than acting.

JEFF
Maybe Dorothy taught you well.

MICHAEL
Dorothy knew something Michael
didn’t. You can’t live a lie. I
always just grabbed what I wanted
and assume I deserved it. But it
was different for Dorothy. She’d
voice her opinion, then be called
‘hysterical’.
(MORE)
4/3/19 6:00 PM 113

MICHAEL (CONT'D)
She had to be assertive, but not
bitchy, compassionate, but not
‘emotional’, feminine, but never
misleading, while somehow handling
insecure jerks like Ron who assume
her success had to somehow be a
reflection of him, and arrogant
schmucks like me who couldn’t
handle any of those things. Dorothy
knew something else I didn’t; being
a woman is no job for a man. (Beat)
You think Dorothy’s the only woman
left who doesn’t hate me?

The bedroom door opens and Sandy enters, wrapped in a sheet.

She walks to get her purse then stops and turns to Michael.

MICHAEL (CONT’D)
Sandy... I didn’t just take a part
away from a woman, I took it away
from a friend. You have every right
to never speak to me again.

Sandy looks at him for a moment, then...

SANDY
Michael, I know life doesn’t play
out like it does in fairy tales. I
know, in real life, if you lose
your shoe at midnight, you’re
probably drunk. I know sometimes,
you don’t get the prince. And
sometimes, you realize he’s not a
prince at all. He’s just a guy you
made into one. And sometimes, you
find out, you didn’t need saving.
He did. And when you finally
realize that the best bet you can
place is on yourself... (She kisses
Jeff) you can give someone else a
happy ending.

Sandy kisses Jeff, then walks into the bedroom, smiling.

MICHAEL
Really, huh?

JEFF
I hope so.
4/4/19 6:00 PM 114

MICHAEL
So... what happens now?

JEFF
I don’t know, but maybe this will
help.

Jeff proudly holds up a script.

MICHAEL
You started it?

JEFF
Actually, you started it.

He hands it to Michael, who opens to the first page.

MICHAEL
I don’t deserve this.

JEFF
You haven’t read it yet. Trust me.
You deserve it.

MICHAEL
Jeff... do you think Julie will
ever talk to me again?

JEFF
Let me ask you something? Do you
think she should?

“MICHAEL’S REPRISE”

MICHAEL
MICHAEL DORSEY THE MAN WITH THE SCHEME AND THE MASTER LIST
COULDN’T SEE THERE WERE ONE OR TWO ITEMS HE MIGHT HAVE MISSED
LIKE OPEN YOUR EYES AND GET A CLUE
THAT MAYBE THE UNIVERSE DOESN’T REVOLVE AROUND ONLY YOU
-IT’S POSSIBLE
IT’S POSSIBLE-

NOW THAT I’VE SEEN THROUGH THOSE EYES OF YOURS

ALL OF THE PEOPLE
ALL OF THE PEOPLE YOU’VE HELPED ME TO LOVE.
I KEEP HEARING YOUR VOICE
IT’S STILL IN MY HEAD-

SOME KIND OF BEAUTIFUL MUSIC.

10/9/19 115

II-11 EXT. PARK - EVENING

Michael enters the park. Julie is sitting. He approaches her.

She sees him, then gets up to leave.

MICHAEL
Julie. Please don’t go.

She stays seated for a moment.

MICHAEL (CONT’D)
I’ve been wanting to call you for
weeks, to apologize, just to ask...

JULIE
--To ask what?

MICHAEL
How you are?

JULIE
How am I? The show’s doing well, no
one says hi, enjoy your evening. Or
don’t.

She goes to leave...

MICHAEL
I just did it for the work. I
didn’t set out to hurt anybody.
Especially you.

JULIE
Didn’t end up that way.

MICHAEL
What I did was--

JULIE
--What you did hurt me, and
everyone in that theater who
trusted you, who put their faith
and livelihoods in your hands. And,
I told you things I would never
have told... you!

MICHAEL
I messed up. It was disrespectful
and wrong. I know that now.
4/3/19 6:00 PM 116

JULIE
No you don’t. You think because you
walked a mile in a woman’s shoes,
you suddenly know? Walk a hundred.
Walk a thousand. Fall a thousand
more. There is so much you don’t
know. About so much.
MICHAEL
But I want to. Can we talk?
JULIE
What do you want me to say?
MICHAEL
Whatever you want. I’ll listen.
(Beat) Even if it’s not today.
He starts to walk away, she stops him...
JULIE
Michael.
He stops, slowly turning to look at her...
JULIE (CONT'D)
You were willing to risk everything
for that one thing. I know what
that takes.
MICHAEL
I am so sorry.
JULIE
I miss Dorothy.
MICHAEL
You don’t have to. She’s right
here.
“THANK YOU (TALK TO ME DOROTHY REPRISE)”
THERE’S YOU AND THERE’S ME
WITH A HEART YOU DISCOVERED
THESE HANDS SO FAMILIAR,
AND WARM TO THE TOUCH.
I LOVE YOU, YOU KNOW THAT.
HOWEVER YOU WANT IT.
THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
MICHAEL (CONT’D)
Julie, I was a better man with you,
as a woman, than I ever was with a
woman, as a man. I just have to
learn how to do it all without the
dress.
4/4/19 6:00 PM 117

She waits a beat, then sits down. After a moment, he sits

next to her. There is a pause, they look at each other,
there’s a slight smile, then they both stare out.

THE END

“BOWS”

RON
FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT!

ALL
FOSSE, FOSSE!
BRAIN FREEZE!
THE FLOOR IS LAVA!
HOT, HOT, HOT, HOT, HOT, HOT!
DANGER, DANGER!
CHANGE THE LIGHT BULB!
RESTLESS LEG!
HAPPY BUNNY, FUNNY BUNNY,
SCARY BUNNY, SPORTY BUNNY, GINGER BUNNY
OH!
SHE’S GOT A FIDGET SPINNER!
NAMASTE, NA-MA-GO!
RED LEATHER, YELLOW LEATHER!
RED LEATHER, YELLOW LEATHER!
RED LEATHER, YELLOW LEATHER!
RED LEATHER, YELLOW LEATHER!
DOROTHY!
DOROTHY!
DOROTHY!
DOROTHY!
DOROTHY! DOROTHY!
DOROTHY! DOROTHY!
DOROTHY! DOROTHY!
DOROTHY! DOROTHY! DOROTHY DOROTHY!

FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT!

TAKE A SELFIE, BE A HATER,
LAP DANCE, TINY FINGERS,
TURN IT OUT AND POSE.
GOODNIGHT!