ROLAND: This is Roland Hedley. Who is today’s college student?

An uncommon breed, caught in the

cross hairs of history, they’ve set their sights high, only to see them dashed on deaf ears. Students say
they can almost taste the feat. Why? Raging statistics, of course. Skyrocketing developments. Spiraling
indicators. And yet these gathering storm clouds are just the tip of the iceberg. Be with me tomorrow as
we watch some actual students graduate from college live.

MARK: Actual students? My God, Mike. He thinks we’re actual students?

MIKE: Ssshh.

ROLAND: Whether or not they can scale the wall of indifference they face today remains to be seen, but
one clear: life goes on.

MARK: No shit.

MIKE: Oh, that’s so true.

ROLAND: This is Roland Hedley, I’ll be back with some final comments after this. Peter? (He exits.)

MIKE: Mark?

MARK: Back to you, Mike.

MIKE: Thanks, Mark. Over to you, BD.

BD: I don’t want it.

MIKE: Boopsie?

BOOPSIE: What do I do with it?

MIKE: Throw it to Zonker.

BOOPSIE: Zonker!

ZONKER: What?

BOOPSIE: Good-night from all of us.

ZONKER: Thanks, Boopsie. I’ll be back in a moment. Mark?

MARK: Thanks, Zonker. Now this.

(Song “Graduation” begins.)

(Before “Zonker’s section”)

MARK: Hey Zonker! You’re missing Roland’s story on students.

ZONKER: I am?
MARK: Yup.

ZONKER: Oh dear. What’s the state of the student so far?

MARK: Well, he’s out of sorts, but not dangerous.

(ZONKER sings, song continues)

(Before “Mike’s section”)

BD: Isn’t it amazing which of us turned out to be the only one to actually graduate with a profession?

MARK: A profession? Oh please.

BD: Professional football isn’t a profession?

ZONKER: Football? What do you mean, football? I thought you said you’d been drafted. (beat) My God.
They can actually draft you to play football??

MIKE: Pretty scary, huh?

BD: Well, it sure as hell beats jacking off in business school.

(MIKE sings. Song ends. Boopsie, BD, and Roland exit.)

MIKE: Well guys, our lease runs out tomorrow. We better start packing.

ZONKER: Eh, we’ll just renew it.

MIKE: Zonker, you couldn’t afford to stay even if we did renew it. You guys don’t have jobs.

ZONKER: That’s a vicious lie. Mark’s radio station might put him on salary any day, and I’m doing a very
respectable business with returnable bottles. Anyway, Mike, Mike, Mike, that is not the time to be making
emotional decisions. Why don’t we just sleep on it, and we can discuss it in the morning. Okay? Great.

MIKE: (As Zonker is running out) No, Zonker...Zonker!

MARK: Mike, what’s the problem here? This place is our home.

MIKE: Believe me, Mark, I don’t want to leave Walden any more than you do. It’s just that….well, in a few
weeks I might...be married.

MARK: Well, yes, there’s always that possbility...wait, you’re serious? Who? JJ? When?

MIKE: I’m not sure about the timing. I’m still working on my proposal.

MARK: That’s what you’ve been working on for the last month? I thought it was a grant application.
MIKE: I’ve done three rough drafts. I’m on the polish now. Tell me if you think the tone of my opening is
right.

MARK: “Hi JJ, it’s me, Mike.” Jesus, Mike, she knows who you are. You don’t have to identify yourself.

MIKE: You’re right. Nice catch. I’m glad you’re checking this.

MARK: If you were ready for marriage, would you really need a script? Let’s face it, you don’t really know
JJ all that well. Hell, you’ve probably never even slept with her, right?

MIKE: I don’t see how one night would change anything. I mean, you never really know everything about
a person anyway, do you?

(SONG: “Just One Night.” Scene change.)

ZONKER: That’s it, I’ve retired! My days on the professional tanning circuit are over. It used to be my life,
but that was a long time ago. Back when my skin was soft and competitive.

(SONG: “I Came To Tan”)

(Flashback in middle of song)

BD (as sports announce): And with the final heat almost over, Zonker Harris is heading into the stretch!
Talk about technique! Look at the thrust of his chest! Harris is really pouring it on. Five seconds left,
and….he’s done it! Zonker Harris has won the George Hamilton Pro-Am Cocoa Butter Open! Let’s see if
we can get a word with the new champ. Zonker? Zonker? Anything you’d like to say to those aspiring
young tannists out there?

ZONKER: Absolutely.

(ZONKER continues with “You got to, got to, got to, got to” and finishes the song. Scene change.
ROLAND as JUDGE enters, with DUKE and HONEY.)

JUDGE: If only for the jurors’ entertainment, let’s run your story by them one more time, shall we? If I
understand you correctly, you are asking this court to believe you purchased ten kilograms of cocaine at
the direction of the State Department?

DUKE: That is correct.

HONEY: That is a little far-fetched, sir.

DUKE: Look, I haven’t got time or the patience for any more of this. A public servant of my stature,
chained to a witness stand and worked over by some fat political appointee -

HONEY: - sir -
DUKE: - and a handpicked collection of surly ethnics -

HONEY: - sir -
DUKE: - drooling senior citizens, laid-off postal clerks, and former mental patients -

HONEY: - sir -

DUKE: My God, you call this a jury of my peers? We are talking human garbage here!

JUDGE: Let me know when you’re finished playing to the jury’s sympathies.

HONEY: Psst, sir, I think it’s time to change your strategy.

DUKE: Shut up, Honey, I can handle this...Okay, okay, you win. I did it. I needed the money. (Music for
“Guilty” starts.) The picture I’m going to paint for you may not be a pretty one, but it is a story of truth and
compassion, so I want to dedicate it to every one of you in the jury.

JUDGE: The jury will disregard the defendant’s dedication.

HONEY: This better be good, sir.

JUDGE: Mr. Duke?

(DUKE sings. Scene change. MIKE is onstage, ZONKER and MARK bring JOANIE onstage.)

ZONKER: Hey Mike, look who we found!

JOANIE: Ta da!

MARK: The return of the den mother, disguised as a normal person.

JOANIE: Mike, do you know if JJ is coming to graduation?

MIKE: She is! (lying.) and I’m sure she’s looking forward to seeing you.

(BOOPSIE enters)

BOOPSIE: Has anyone seen my...Joanie!!

JOANIE: Hello Boopsie, dear.

BOOPSIE: How is your baby?? I want one!

MARK: So much for your new career.

JOANIE: What career?

MARK: Well, maybe “career” is too strong a word - cheerleading. BD got drafted by Dallas, so Boopsie’s
trying out for the Cowgirls.

BOOPSIE: It’s only temporary, a stepping-stone to jobs as a serious film actress.

ZONKER: And what happens to your baby?

BOOPSIE: Well, after I get established, I’ll take the baby to the stadium with me. Everything’s possible if
you want it bad enough. I learned that from Joanie.

JOANIE: You did? (Dictated chords start for “I Can Have It All”)

BOOPSIE: You taught me that a woman doesn’t have to settle, that she can go for it, that she can have a
demanding career and outside interests and friends and hobbies and a fulfilling marriage with lots of sex
and mutual respect and children all at the same time.

JOANIE: I said that?

MARK: I’m afraid so, counsellor.

MIKE: You were young, you oversold.

(BOOPSIE sings “I Can Have It All.” Scene change to DUKE and HONEY)

DUKE: I gotta hand it to you, Honey. That was some testimony. Where’d you learn to give such great
character witness? Maybe I’ve underestimated you all these years. How’d you like to be my gal Friday?

HONEY: At the risk of being forward, sir, I’m free all week.

DUKE: I still can’t believe that I was sentenced to establish a drug rehabilitation center. Honey! We ride
again!

(Scene change to JJ and MIKE)

MIKE: JJ! What are you doing here?

JJ: You invited me, remember?

MIKE: But you’re...eleven minutes early.

JJ: Am I going to have to wait eleven minutes for a hug?

MIKE: No, of course not. (hugs) Boy, it’s good to see you. You look great.

JJ: Look, I gotta be honest with you, Mike. I’m here because you’re graduating. But if Joanie gets on my
case, I’m going to leave.

MIKE: No, you can’t leave! I have our whole weekend planned out. Look - “4:15, JJ arrives at house.” Of
course, we’ll have to adjust that now. Let me get a pencil.

JJ: “4:20-4:25, Mike gets dinner in the oven while JJ unwinds with a fast glass of wine…”

MIKE: Well, it doesn’t have to be win. This thing’s pretty flexible. Anyway, at 4:30 sharp, when you finish
unwinding, we go over to the quad…
JJ: (cutting him off) Mike, wait a minute. This is a little overwhelming. What if we just feel like doing
nothing, you know, just sitting out on the porch together?

MIKE: 11:15 to 11:45. I’m way ahead of you. (Music for “GET TOGETHER” starts)

JJ: Have you planned out your whole life this way?

MIKE: My whole life? Don’t be silly! (beat) Some of it.

JJ: Like what?

MIKE: Um, well, you know about business school of course. As for the rest...well, you know...nothing
definite. It depends.

JJ: Yeah, same with me. It depends.

(They sing “GET TOGETHER.” Joanie enters)

MIKE: Joanie! Look who’s here. (beat) It’s your mother.

JOANIE: Hello, JJ.

JJ: Hello, mother.

MIKE: Well, Joanie, as you can see, JJ’s a little early, and we seem to have some discretionary time, so
why don’t we all sit down and you two can shoot the breeze and have some quality time. OK. JJ?

JJ: So how’s Dick?

JOANIE: Rick is fine, thanks. Everything ok at school?

JJ: Suddenly she cares.

MIKE: Great answer.

JOANIE: JJ, has this terrible anger become permanent?

JJ: You were hoping it was just a stage?

JOANIE: I didn’t say that.

JJ: What do you expect, mother? You couldn’t handle all the bowling and barbecues and car pools, so
you just split! It’s one of those poignant feminist folk tales of the 70s.

JOANIE: That’s it, JJ. I’m not going to stand here and listen to you dismiss ten years of my life. Can you
really believe the choices were that simple? You weren’t the only one who was hurt.
JJ: No, but somebody left and somebody was left behind. Somebody moved into a commune and raised
other people’s children, and someone raised herself on her own. How was I supposed to identify with your
difficult choices?? I just wanted a mother. (JJ exits.)

JOANIE: (To Mike) So much for quality time.

(Scene change. We hear Mark’s radio jingle.)

MARK: And that was Marvelous Mark’s interview with top television correspondent Roland Burton Hedley
Jr. We’ll be back after these brief commercial messages.

ROLAND: Very impressive interview, Mark. You have a great career in broadcast journalism ahead of
you, son.

MARK: Well, not unless one of the 185 stations I sent my tape to has a change of heart.

ROLAND: What about this station? Surely you’re the biggest draw they’ve ever had.

MARK: They’re not hiring either.

ROLAND: You’re selling yourself short, son. Why don’t you make an appeal on the air? What have you
got to lose?

MARK: Now that you mention it, nothing. (Back to microphone) And we are back, campers. But not for
long. Unless you speak out, a great voice is about to be stifled!

ROLAND: This is Roland Hedley, and if you believe that Marvelous Mark is a major talent waiting to
explode on the media scene, then give us a call at

MARK: Seven eight seven, forty-three eleven. (BABY BOOM BOOGIE BOY is rapped. Scene change)

BD: What’s the story with dinner, Mike? Another ten minutes and I’m ordering a pizza.

MIKE: Almost finished. (JJ enters)

JJ: Hi everyone. Hey chef, need any help?

MIKE: No, I’ve got it under control. You just got sit down and -

JJ: Mike! Is that seaweed? You made me a seaweed salad!

MIKE: Yeah, fresh kelp, lettuce, and sprouts. The lettuce was organically grown. I even left the dirt on.

JJ. That is so sweet, Michael. You’re making points now.

MARK: And from behind door number two, here’s Carol with (sees what Mike is bringing out) with…well,
it’s hard to say, really.

ZONKER: It winked. It just winked at me. Back! Back! Everyone back, I’ll handle this!
MIKE: Oh, for God’s sake.

BOOPSIE: What’s in this dish, Mike? It certainly looks interesting.

MIKE: It’s lasagne. My special lasagne.

BD: Hey Mike, did you make this or did it follow you home? JJ, this is your fault - you know Mike needs
supervision.

JJ: Come on, you know I’m a vegan. I can’t be responsible for the poison that you guys -

JOANIE: You’re still a vegan, dear?

JJ: Oh boy, here we go again.

MIKE: Hey! Hey! Give me a break. Nobody’s even tried this stuff yet. (“ANOTHER MEMORABLE MEAL”
is sung. Afterward scene continues)

ZONKER: (answering phone) Oh hi Mrs. Kirby, yes, we’d like to renew our lease...what? You can’t be
serious. Thanks for calling. Bye. (to everyone) She sold it. She sold Walden.

BD: Are you kidding? Who would want this dump? (DUKE enters)

ZONKER: Uncle Duke!

DUKE: You people have 24 hours to clear out of here. I’ve got two busloads of junkies pulling in bright
and early Tuesday morning! (DUKE exits)

MIKE: I can’t believe it. I just can’t believe it. Duke is about to bulldoze our front yard into a parking lot.
There’s a perfectly good meadow there. (to JJ) just last night we walked in it. We laughed in it. We talked
about the future in it.

BD: And I took a whiz in it. What the hell is all this whining about? It’s just a house?

MIKE, MARK, ZONKER: Just a house? (JUST A HOUSE starts, BD leaves)

(Before DUKE’s verse, he enters with HONEY)

DUKE: Why the hell aren’t you people packing? It’s moving day!

ZONKER: Uncle Duke, we’ve got to talk.

DUKE: There’s nothing to talk about, nephew. You people need to pack up and move out.

ZONLER: Uncle Duke, you can’t go ahead with this. This is our home.

DUKE: Wrong, nephew. It was your home. It’s my place now. Anyway, what’s the big deal? (JUST A
HOUSE finishes. HONEY and BOOPSIE are left onstage together.)
BOOPSIE: (reads telegram) “Sorry to inform you, BD, Cowboys have traded you to Tampa Bay
Buccaneers for two draft picks and a bus.” This explains why he just stormed off. There’s a lot of pain
there. (to HONEY) What am I going to do?

HONEY: I don’t know, miss. When Mr. Duke gets upset, I usually just change his medication.

BOOPSIE: Men are so funny, you know? They just bottle it all up inside. Why do we put up with it?

HONEY: Well, personally miss, I don’t have any choice. Greatness has a narcotic effect on me. I’m
attracted to it. But sometimes there’s a price to pay. A man like Mr. Duke has to be handled very carefully.
(COMPLICATED MAN is sung. Scene change. DUKE and ZONKER onstage.)

DUKE: (to himself) Ok, gonna need to squeeze four tennis courts in over there…

ZONKER: What do junkies need with tennis courts? Uncle Duke, what are you up to?

DUKE: Ok, I’ll level with you, Zonker. This magnificent property is not going to be a rehab center. I’m
going to turn it into the priciest, most profitable vacation condo complex in New England! (Switches
tactics) How would you like a job?

ZONKER: Uncle Duke, there is absolutely nothing you could offer to possibly make me consider helping
you.

DUKE: I’d like you to be my resident tanning director.

ZONKER: I can start Monday.

DUKE: You won’t regret it, boy! It’s time you joined the 80’s. Real estate is ringing everyone’s bell these
days. (REAL ESTATE is sung. Scene change, MIKE and JJ are onstage.)

MIKE: Hi JJ, sorry I’m late for our 9:40 breakfast. We got hung up at the zoning office. But we’ve got Duke
cold now. We notified the sherrif, and Joanie’s outside reading him the riot act now.

JJ: Michael, I’ve been meaning to ask you, whose side are you on, anyway?

MIKE: Why do I have to be on someone’s side? You think that because of something your mother did a
long time ago, that you’ve got some sort of permanent claim to the moral high ground. Well, what are you
getting from that, JJ? Satisfaction? It seems to me like you’re getting nothing, and missing everything. It
makes me angry as hell, because I care about you, and there’s nothing I can do to change things.

JJ: Michael?

MIKE: What?

JJ: Did you write that out?

MIKE: No, I didn’t write that out. I don’t always write everything out! Did you hear a word I said?
JJ: Yes, I did. I heard every word. I love you.

MIKE: (totally disarmed) Oh God. I have to go get dressed for graduation. (MIKE exits, Joanie enters)

JOANIE: That Duke is amazing. I’ve never seen such perfect arrogance. How do you reason with
someone like that? (To Joanie) You know, honey, if you would like to come spend time with your little
brother, we would both really like that.

JJ: I think I’d like that too, if you’re ok with it.

JOANIE: You can’t imagine how ok I am with that. JJ?

JJ: Yes, mom?

JOANIE: You’ve really become quite lovely, you know.

JJ: (Surprised) Thanks, mom. (MOTHER is sung.)

JOANIE: I better go get seats for the big graduation. Make sure Mike doesn’t miss it! (She exits, Roland
enters)

ROLAND: Hello? Roland Hedley here! Don’t worry if you’re not decent, I’m sans camera crew. (Mark
enters)

MARK: Roland!

ROLAND: Marvelous Mark! Congratulations, son.

MARK: Thanks Roland, but it’s no big deal. For $40,000, they have to give you a diploma.

ROLAND: No, I mean about your new job! One of the veeps for the chain that owns the station was
listening last night, and he wants to put you on the air in New York! Well, Long Island. But it’s your kind of
station - all-talk with a tiny, devoted audience. It’s practically public radio.

MARK: My life is coming together! (He exits, BD enters)

ROLAND: (To BD) I guess congratulations are in order for you too, son.
BD: You talkin’ to me?

ROLAND: Being traded to Tampa Bay was a shrewd move. In Dallas, you’d just be sitting around praying
for the quarterback’s knees to crack. In Tampa Bay, I daresay you’ll be a demigod! Pretty heady stuff for a
kid right out of college. I’m guessing you’ll be making a fair piece of change.

BD: You’d better believe it.

ROLAND: Well, that counts for something these days, son. There’s a whole new ballgame in town. If he’s
done nothing else, the President has made it fun to be rich again.
BD: Well, what’s the point otherwise? Fifty years of liberal guilt is enough. (IT’S THE RIGHT TIME TO BE
RICH is sung. All exit afterward except for MIKE, MARK, and ZONKER)

ZONKER: Gentlemen, I have what I’m confident you’ll agree is electrifying news. I have found full
employment.

MIKE and MARK: What?!

ZONKER: Uncle Duke has asked me to be his resident tanning director. Right here at Walden Estates.

MIKE: Walden what??

MARK: Condos. I knew it.

MIKE: Zonker, he’s bought you off. He’s thrown you a bone to get your cooperation.

ZONKER: A bone? You call resident tanning director a bone? For the love of Mike, Mike, I’ve been given
a remarkable opportunity here. Don’t you see guys, I can stay here and build a life for myself. I can find
my place in the sun...On the other hand, who wants to work for a complete slimebag?

MIKE: I still can’t believe he’s bulldozing this place. Why does this always happen to me? (JJ enters) This
was supposed to be the most important day of my life. Nothing could spoil it. I was graduating. I was
getting engaged. I was-

JJ: Engaged?!

MIKE: Oh God…

JJ: Engaged!

ZONKER: That was exactly my reaction. I couldn’t believe it either.

MARK: Take your time, Mike. We’ll be waiting outside.

ZONKER: We will? (Mike drags him off.)

JJ: What is going on? Are you really going to ask me to marry you?

MIKE: Uh, yeah, but...I need to find my notes.

JJ: No you don’t. Just ask me.

MIKE: JJ? Hi, it’s me, Mike.

JJ: Oh for God’s sake….

MIKE: JJ, will you marry me? (beat) I don’t need your answer right away. Think about it-
JJ: Michael, are you sure? Do you really think we’re ready for this? I mean, we haven’t even slept
together yet.

MIKE: That was going to be my second question.

JJ: Well, it’s about time. (JUST ONE NIGHT reprise is sung. JJ and Mike exit, Duke and Honey enter.)

DUKE: Oh Jesus. Here come...the bats! My God. They’re all wearing pantyhose.

HONEY: Sir? Were you expecting company?

DUKE: (Yelling) You don’t have to scream, Honey! It’s getting dark again. What keeps blotting out the
sun? Aunt Helga! So we meet again, o foulest of she-devils. Prepare to suck steel! (brandishes a spatula,
stops, looks at Honey) Honey, is that you?

HONEY: Yes sir, it’s me.

DUKE: You...you look different.

HONEY: I had my hair cut last week sir. That may be throwing you.

DUKE: I’ve...I’ve never seen such beautiful antlers in all my life. (He faints.)

HONEY: Sir, I’m worried about your mood swings. (Scene change. They exit.)

ROLAND: And we’re back. The Provost is now about to announce the names of the graduating seniors.
Let’s pick up the action live. Barbara Ann Boopstein. B. John Dowling.

BD: Go Delta Kaps!

ZONKER: Please, you guys, don’t go through with this!

MARK: Courage.

ROLAND: Michael James Doonsebury, cum laude. Mark Sheldon Slackmeyer. Edgar Zonker Harris.
(Zonker doesn’t move)

MIKE: Come on, Zonk. Nothing to it.

BOOPSIE: You can do it, Zonk. (MIKE and MARK grab him and start walking him over.)

ZONKER: No, no, I’m not really. I don’t deserve it. I don’t even remember my major. No, please, this isn’t
fair. I’m not ready! (ZONKER faints as he receives his diploma. GRADUATION (FINALE) plays.)