Why me? Why do I always struggle with relationship problems, but not my brother or sister?

Have
you perhaps asked yourself this question before? The family system usually enlists only one member
of the family to draw attention to an imbalance. It creates a blind compensation, which means that
the chosen family member has not been found guilty of anything similar, nor is he or she particularly
suitable for solving the issue — it is absolutely arbitrary and random. Thus the family system creates
a stable equilibrium — at the expense of an individual. In persecutor-victim-context, this principle is
particularly easy to identify.

A second elementary principle is that suppressed or not fully lived emotions have a very destructive
effect on a person and their environment.

According to Bert Hellinger, a husband and wife gift the respective energies of their poles to each
other, because each needs the other. The woman gives the man his feminine side, while the man
gives the woman her masculine aspect. A problem arises when each doesn’t truly embrace their own
pole, or systemic influences prevent the partners from living in a healthy relationship. To embrace
and live one’s respective gender requires a healthy relationship with the same-sex parent (daughter
to mother, son to father) or even better, a healthy relationship with the whole same-sex lineage.

In principle, men and women are equal and the same. They are on the same hierarchical level. The
partner who earns more money is usually granted the place on the right — regardless of whether
this is the man or the woman. Here the only thing that counts is who earns more in a job outside of
the relationship and thus is contributing more financially. There is no fixed rule that, for example,
the man must always be on the right side when the partners are next to each other in a
constellation. In addition, it’s better that the partner who is less burdened by their family system is
standing to the right, because they can shoulder more. There has been some controversy and raised
eyebrows about Bert Hellinger‘s observation that it’s better for the couple when “the woman follows
the man and the man in return serves the feminine.” Here the term ‘follow’ means to accompany
the man into his culture, country, family.

For the success of the relationship they must re-evaluate their own values and principles, and
together they negotiate new ones. This is called the Relationship Vision.

The importance of love in family constellations

Although it isn’t shouted from the rooftops, love is given the highest importance and priority in
family constellations. Particular is the love between man and woman. This often shows up indirectly.
If parents who don’t love each other have children, the children suffer greatly from the lack of love
of their parents through entanglements and dynamics of all kinds. The children of parents with a
strong loving bond experience less entanglements and unhealthy dynamics. The healthy love is
based on mutual respect, on equality, on recognition and appreciation of the other gender, and the
affectionate balance of give and take. That, of course, includes not wanting to change the partner
and being willing to accompany them at their pace in their development. The shared experience of
maturation in one’s own personality and of the relationship will deepen through the experience of
daily togetherness. This also includes the important systemic principle that everyone has to carry
their own destiny. It is a sign of true love to not take on the partner’s burdens and relieve them of
their fate. This leaves the other in humility all their dignity.

The advanced protective layer model according to Trobe

The essence is the part in us that contains the universal and the individual gifts of our being. The
feeling of joy is an example of a universal gift, and our own musical talent is an example of an
individual gift. The wounded child is the stronghold of shame, fear, guilt, self-doubt, etc. Trobe
referred to it as “the layer of wounded vulnerability”. The basic feeling here is: “The world is a
heartless and unsafe place”.

The protective layer, created by us, is our strategy to no longer feel what hurts us and to potentially
no longer be hurt. The price for this is the partial or total renunciation of vitality, and life itself. We
take on roles and wear masks to present to the world. The protective layer in constellations is always
the part that cannot feel or doesn’t want to feel. With trust-building measures such as mindfulness,
clarity and honesty, we may pass through the protective layer.

The loyal soldier is an inner part of our personality that is specifically placed there to watch over the
threshold of our wounded part. He isn’t someone with whom you can discuss or argue. Unless you
make your inner soilder to realize that the war is over.

When we have worked with the wounded child for a while, we have to try to integrate it back into
the essence. That is when we get confronted with two new guardians of the threshold: the Inner
Critic and the Inner Judge. The Inner Critic, with the induction of feelings of shame, is trying to
prevent the integration of the wounded part into the essence. It is the internalized voice of parents
and authority figures of our childhood, which became independent in us. He tells us phrases such as
“You are not worth it!“, “You are unworthy!“, “Who do you think you are, that...“ etc. The Inner
Judge operates differently. “You are responsible for your mess yourself!“, “It’s your fault!“ etc. He is
always causing guilt to rise in us and with that tries to prevent the re-integration of the wounded
child.

What has the protective layer model to do with happiness in a partnership?

Many mutual misunderstandings and injuries happen when partners meet each other at the level of
the protective layer, so that a deep love can’t evolve. When we keep our protective layers up during
our partnership, we can’t build a deeper understanding of our partner nor truly create a lasting
bond. It is therefore important to repeatedly question oneself: Do I act or communicate solely from
my essence or from my protective layer or even from my wounded child? And from which level does
my partner relate to me? Becoming aware of this helps to open the partnership so that it really fits
together in love. It helps to be aware of this in order to open ourselves in love to our partner.

The four basic settings of the Drama Triangle in Transactional Analysis According to Transactional
Analysis, the following are the basic elements in relationships:

 I’m OK, you’re OK.

 I’m not OK, you’re not OK.
 I’m OK, you’re not OK.
 I’m not OK, you’re OK.

In intimate relationships, all four are found, but the only healthy attitude is the first: I’m OK, you’re
OK. The three others lead to unhealthy relationships with dependence patterns and game playing

The Drama Triangle

In the couple’s relationship, it’s important that we recognize it early when we get into a drama
triangle (or already are in one). How? By posing again and again the following questions in conflict
situations: –

 Do I believe I am the sole victim or persecutor?

 Is the other one like a rescuer for me?
 Do I want to save the other person?
 Do I feel the need to hurt the other or do I long for revenge?

If we answer one of these questions with YES, we must try to internally take a step back and say
STOP. A drama triangle is an endless game with unending role changes. Constructive solutions can
never come when in the triangle. In constellations the drama triangle prevents the way to real
solutions. First, the constellation facilitator needs to bring all members involved to think, feel and act
like mature adults. Only then are real resolutions possible.

The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman

The priest and therapist Gary Chapman published important findings in his series of books The 5
Love Languages that integrate well in constellations. He assumes that every person — usually
imprinted by the parental home — has special needs as to how love must be communicated to
them. In his experience there are five channels by which love can be received as nourishing.

1. Compliments.
2. Helpfulness.
3. Sharing quality time, togetherness without distractions.
4. Showing affection in the form of small or large gifts of any kind(more about its symbolic
content)
5. Physical expression through stroking, caressing

What Happens in a Systemic Family Constellation?

The General Outline:

  Interview
 Choosing the Representatives
 Systemic Constellation
 Closing Interview and Review

Resources as a Solid Foundation

In the context of family constellation work, resources are fountains of strength that we access in
order to master the challenges in our lives. In most cases we call upon them unconsciously. You can
also build new resources.

Resources can be:

 Living or already deceased people (e.g., your compassionate grandmother).

 Abstracts concepts like faith, humor, trust in the universe, nature, etc.
 A beautiful and nourishing experience such as a special holiday which nourishes you still, or
the birth of your child that was experienced as highly satisfactory.
 Spiritual beings like angels, shamanic power animals, or ascended masters.
 Places like a pond or a mountain that are a place of power; also intangible places( spiritual
space, a ‘meta-space.)
 Natural spaces and landscapes: sea, forest, mountains, prairie
 Temporal events like Christmas time, spring, the full moon, etc.
 Animals and plants: dogs, horses, cherry tree, oak tree, etc.
 Physical activities: dance, yoga, sports, music, etc.

Choose a resource that you can access easily so that eliminates people and places but not the
experience of the person or place that you carry.

 What resources will work well for you within the context of a couple’s relationship?
 What resources do you need in a partnership?

The Resource Constellation

The resource constellation aims to find at least one reliable resource, which then can be worked
with repeatedly, or which the client can connect with quickly in a crisis in order to be capable of
taking appropriate action.Can be your hobbies ,books or belief systems.

In the absence of the partner or when someone has passed on you can imagine the soul perceives it
and participates, even if they dont play along here.

Permanent Conflict as a Sign of an Imbalance of Give and Take

From the systemic point of view, there should always be a balance of give and take. That doesn’t
have to happen every time, but on the whole there should be this balance. Sincere gratitude from
the partner who can’t give as much at the moment can also cancel out any imbalance. Hellinger has
coined the systemic statement “The river of life flows forward.” This refers to the exception
principle mentioned above. Parents give the gift of life which is so much that a child can never
compensate for it. As a counter-gesture children offer respect to their parents, and give it forward by
having children of their own, or by self-realization and the fact that they enjoy life.

When the balance between give and take in a relationship is on hold for a longer time, the giver will
soon feel subliminal-chronic resentment towards the receiver whereas the receiver is drawn away,
out of the relationship, because he sees no more chance of recouping the imbalance.

When in the constellation the representative gets too caught on to the emotion then ask them to
feel it but take some distance from it.

Relationship Problems due to Binding Love

The bond within a family is a strong force that needs to be reckoned with. According to Hellinger,
the Law of Inclusion applies here. To exclude a family member would create severe consequences
for the whole system, and could even lead to the suffering of innocent next generations. Through
binding love we express our closeness and loyalty to our family system. When we are loyal towards
the norms and belief systems of our families, we experience an inner joy of greater closeness and
belonging to them. This is the ‘secret joy of binding love.‘ In order to experience this repeatedly, we
are willing to accept and endure great hardship and suffering. Ideally, the client realizes that their
right to belong doesn’t depend on their loyalty to the family’s behaviors and beliefs, and that it is
safe to just be themselves, no matter what. In this context, another aspect comes into play.

In his works, the psychoanalyst Carl Jung pointed out that every individual holds a tension between
binding love (to one’s family of origin) and individuation (personal maturity). In a healthy family
system, every individual is given enough room to reach personal maturity without jeopardizing their
belonging or being sanctioned by the withdrawal of love.

One of the most empirical laws of family constellation is that the new system takes precedence over
the old. A couple having issues with their new sytem and old system we can constellate both the
families as well as something called the “new values” .Mostly the case is that of the energetically still
being invested in our family of orgin that leaves very less of us invested in our new relationship.

When we realize that we cant loose our membership in a family system we get more room to
manager freely our issues at hand.This new freedome has to be seized.

Identification with other members in the family

Identification with someone else in the family is entanglement. We are more or less strongly
involved the history and destiny of the family often subconsciously this leads to us taking on the
burdens for other family members leading to circumstances ,feelings and actions in our life that we
don’t want but always compulsively encounter over and over again. Entanglement is always
accompanied by weakening of ego strength. After all you arn’t the master of your free will anymore
which has been repeatedly undermined. This enfeebled ego force will remain weekend until the
underlying entanglement is resolved. Entanglements are characterized by the fact the person
unconsciously relives the emotions, traits, lifestyle, behaviour and even the fate of a family member
involuntary by the client
In a constellation the client can use an object to represent the burdens that they have carried and
choose to give back to the person they are entangled with eg a pillow representing the great aunts
beliefs that they choose to carry.

The Interrupted Movement towards the Parent

This phenomenon is widespread and can be very destructive .The movement towards either of the
parents or both can be interrupted ,detachment towards the mother is seen more often and in many
cases this is more debilitating.

A disconnect can be due to the following

 Circumstances at birth
 Early death of the parent or divorce especially under the age of 6 years
 Prolonged hospitilazation of the child or parent especially under 4 years of the child
 Long sepration from the parents
 War
 Parents who are traumatized ,entangled ,strict or emotionally distant

During the constellation after each step stop and feel the new changes and the potential changes
you feel.

When its obvious there is an interrupted movement ask the client to close their eyes and go back to
the memory when you were a very small boy .Take your time….slowly open your eyes and say to
your father “Please…and slowly stretch out your hands towards him.

To the father representative slowly take him in your arms if you have the inclination to feel so.

An interrupted movement towards the father creates a lack of masculine energy in the son. He
appears less attractive to women which effects his ability in finding a partner. Working on his
ancestral lineage of men also strengthens his masculine energy.

Double Exposure

If you see someone else in a person , identify that person as someone different from who they really
are in terms of family systemic constellation work is called double exposure. This is borrowed from
the field of photography when 2 images blend so seamlessly into one that it’s difficult to identify the
original in this manner two people become connected.eg A boss is seen as an authorial mother. You
really can’t see the real person behind the projection anymore. Every action , word and deed is seen
from within the former framework of this double exposure. Most of the time this negative view
dominates the conflicts and disappointments are inevitable.To resove this the person who is the
original source of the projection is set up in the constellation.

Eg you confuse your husband with your father.

Determinants to check if the relationship problems are related to double exposure

If the other person projects onto me

 I try what I want but everything is used against me

  I feel falsly perceived and not seen

If I project onto me

 Friends and family perceive my partner completely differently

 My partner dosnt feel seen or wrongly recived.

Relationship issues –Triangulation

Triangulation is a serious disorder of seniority .Also known as the price or princess syndrome. Eg The
involvement of the child in the open or latent conflict of the parents. One parent joins forces with
the child against the other parent .If its an alliance of the opposite sex family then the child is often
invited into and placed in the position of the adult partner.

Generally triangulation is a person at a lower level being pulled into a conflict at a higher hierarchical
level. Initially this feels terrific for the child because of all the attention he/she gets elevating their
position to the price or princess .The downside to this that the child is robbed of the experience of
being a child and is burdened by his/her adult role.

This also leads in competition with the other parent and in the course of the adults life issues with
the same sex friends , colleagues as well as authority figures. There will also be issues with the
partner as their place is occupied by the parent whom the inner child stays loyal to.Because of all the
additional attention they enter their new relationships with the same expectation leading to brief
/weak bonds.In severe cases of triangulation the adult isnt able to have a relationship as long as the
parent they are enmeshed with is still alive.

When two triangulated partners have formed a relationship its remarably stable considering that
both are not really in the relationship.This relationship becomes a huge screen for any projection.It
feels particularly wonderful to be triangulated.

Froma systemic point of view the triangulated child is missing the strengthening power of the same-
sex parent and part of the individuation experience(as the child was diretly catapulted onto an adult
plane without sufficiently developing it)Furthermore the child faces conflicts of loyalties because it
loves both the parents but is forced to deny their love to one parent (thus displacing this feeling to
the subconscious)

Triangulations happen most often between the eldest daughter and eldest son .They feel important
and relationships are often short lived.

Longing for a soulmate

The vanishing twin leaves a void that can never be filled with any relationship and hence they have
to be given a place. Bonding intimacy is a prime presenting issue in such cases.Participants can make
a circle around the client along with their lost twin to recreate the feeling of being with them once,a
symbolic intimacy with their twin .
Once this is done if the presenting issues is of not feeling connected with their partner then after
resolving this they can look forward symbolically at a white blank wall that represents a new kind of
relationship for them going forward.

How do I know if I may have a lost twin? If you answer yes to most of the following questions, it is
very likely that you have lost a twin:

 You feel a great longing for a soulmate.

 There was some bleeding or discharge involved during you own pregnancy.
 The topic of death resonates in you with both yearning as well as terror.
 There is an inner feeling that something is missing from you.
 You live for two: eat, shop, work, etc.
 You have unexplained feelings of guilt, which are not explainable from your autobiography.
 You have a strong desire to travel, which has the character of a search.
 You are greatly involved in your spiritual quest.
 You chose a helping profession.

For couples who come with a relationship issue you can constellate the couple (pay attention to who
they choose for themselves in terms of age ,gender etc) and a relationship being which represents
their relationship meta feelings.In partner constellations we primarly address love.

There needs to a point where its established that they are equal partners .When harsh feeling are
said with a smile encourage them to feel into it.

In a couples relationship sexual tention ceases when a husband and wife relationship turn into a
mother-son relationship.A wifes ambition to change her husband stems from a space of wanting to
parent her spouse and isnt a part of the healthy togetherness of equal partners.

Sexuality in a Partnership

Issues during sex

1.Based on triangulation-If one or both are triangulated they don’t meet on equal footing and the
dynamics of parent child dilute the sexual tention in couples.Identification is another contributing
factor

2.Previous great love-If one of the partners hasn’t concluded their relationships with their ex-partner
especially if that was their great love then sex with the new partner will most probably not be
fulfilling because the new partner unconsciously realizes that she/he is really not the intended
recipient of their partners love.

3.Longing for death or Injury- Sex is a strong physical expression of vitality/aliveness of every human
being. However if a person is strongly attracted by death or has had traumatic experiences, around
them one can detect a kind of dampened field that makes real physical and emotional intimacy
difficult. When that type of low energy is present, in particular the sexual relationship suffers greatly.
Sometimes it happens that a lot of sex is needed in order to be able to feel at all. But this isn’t
lovingly passionate, soul-uplifting sex. Rather it’s a compulsive attempt to somehow to get to the
source of life.

4. Sexual Abuse-Once the trauma of the abuse is healed there is a special opportunity to rediscover
sex as a mindful and respectful experience to override their past painful memories.

5.Lack of Love –Red light districts sufficiently attest the fact that you don’t need love for sex but this
kind of sex is often very poor and compensates for loneliness ,lack of self esteem and pride.

BDSM is a prime example that only one person in the relationship is ok and the other is not. There is
so much pressure to perform in the bedroom that Viagra and the plethora of sex toys are making a
grand entry into our bed space. The enjoyment of the physical sensation has been pushed to the
background.

Baco, Marc. Happiness in Your Relationships and Systemic Family Constellation Work: Live a fulfilling
partner relationship with love and respect

A therapist's own blind spot will have a negative influence. Yet, there are two cornerstones of the
family constellation work which set it apart from other therapies. The first is the concept of the in-
forming field, and the other is the basic phenomenological stance.

The are 2 possible constellations :the family of origin and the present family including the children
and partners.

In a constellation involving the family of origin, the goal is not to uncover the myriad of connections
in the family, but rather to look for the most powerful entanglements which may be hindering the
client and restricting his or her strength. Especially significant are the connections with those in the
family who have died early, or those who have been shut out of the family in some way. In a
constellation involving the present family, the aim is to assure a place for former partners, and to
clarify the relationship of the two primary partners to each other and to their children. Often, there
is a particular placement which seems to put everything in order, in which all the representatives
feel at ease. The constellation can end at this point. The client takes in this new image, often by
standing in the constellation in place of his or her representative.

The Informing field

The field of wisdom was coined by Albrecht Mahr it’s the field that forms the connections and revels
the form and dynamics of the system i.e it informs as well. This is what connects the representatives
to the people they represent.

The most appropriate attitude towards the mysteries is to halt with respect. In this position of
respect, something flows in from the unknown. Many of the possibilities for resolution and words
that have come into my mind during constellations were a gift to me as I remained standing at the
boundary of the unknown. In a collected and calm state, something helpful comes out of the
darkness into the light. It may be a resolving picture, or perhaps just the next step to be taken. I
begin a family constellation without knowing where it is going to go. I take the first step and when I
come to a boundary, I wait, without knowing how to proceed, and then, suddenly, a guide to the
next action emerges from this respectful attitude at the boundary. Often, what comes is so
unexpected that it makes you nervous, and it may even seem to be dangerous. If you stop at that
point and consider whether it's acceptable to do this or that—asking the mystery, as it were—then it
pulls back immediately and you're left with no power.

So, the puzzling things that sometimes happen here, have something to do with the very fact that
the therapist doesn't try to understand. From a lack of desire for that kind of knowledge and a
readiness to face the mystery as well as the powers it grants, comes courage and a chance of acting
in a way that is helpful. This view is the opposite of the usual image of psychotherapy and
psychotherapeutic training.

Constellations may just revel the energies in the system –A client when constellating her family
found great love for another man in her family of orgin and went back and did a paternity test with
her living biological father which turned out positive ,but at an energetic level her mother had many
lovers and hence her paternity was doubted by her father as well for a long time.

Constellations can be done for clinets family in their absence.

Hellinger has begun to develop a form of constellation which reduces the intervention of the
therapist to a minimum. He calls this process "movement of the soul." When the client has chosen
and set up the representatives, the therapist simply instructs them to feel their way into their parts,
and notice any impulses towards movement. They are to follow these movements without speaking.
The therapist remains watchful at the edge of the constellation, mostly without intervening. When it
seems appropriate, the therapist stops the constellation and releases the representatives from their
roles.This is effective only when the dynamic involves 2-3 people only.

When it concerns a picture of an entire family, a constellation without words is not the appropriate
tool. The more powerful the entanglements in a system, the more the solution is dependent upon
the representatives and their reports of their experience.

Staying in the moment-Phenomenology

John O stevens has stated 3 kinds of awareness:

1. Awareness of the senses that connect us to the outer world around us

2. Awareness of my inner world , which includes everything that I feel within my own skin –
muscle tention ,body expression
3. Awareness of pictures of things or events that which do not exist in the reality of this
moment of time. This is based on imagination.-Memories ,expectations,fantacies,plans
,interpretations.

Hellinger describes the relationship between awareness and thinking:

"There are many paths to the truth. I, myself, take a path familiar to me, but there are many others.
It is quite remarkable that there are so many composers, and none have discovered the same
melody as the others. Each person has an individual insight, each melody is different, and each is
beautiful in its own way. In regards to any one issue, two people cannot view it exactly the same
way. When each one has an insight, these will be different from each another. The fullness of life
cannot be reduced to one path. Insight emerges from awareness.

Many people draw back from awareness by making assumptions or objections, based on thinking
instead of seeing. That is too easy. When, however, awareness meets awareness, they enhance each
other reciprocally. Thinking without awareness keeps circling around the same thing—namely, that
which is already known. No new insight comes from thinking alone. Insight emerges from
awareness, followed by thinking. It begins with awareness and continues in thought."

The task is not to stop thinking, but rather to look and to listen, and push aside any working
hypotheses. It involves a continuous tension between the direct awareness in the moment and the
thinking process that is sparked by it. The more rigidly we hold onto a hypothesis, the more likely it
is that we will miss the unpredictable changes happening in the moment. The closer we are to the
moment, the easier it is to feel our way into the unknown.

Hellinger describes this process following a constellation:

"The therapist doesn't think about things in advance. I took the first step without knowing what the
second would be. Then, the next step came and I asked her something. She gave me some additional
information, out of which something else emerged, which then merged into the process. That is a
phenomenological way of proceeding. You don't know where the end is, you only can see the next
step. At the end, you can see that there is some meaning in it, but you can't see that ahead of time.
This is different from a scientific procedure, which has a specific goal, and that goal determines the
path to be taken. That's a good way to proceed, now and then."

The human mind demands explanations. In a confusing and insecure world, we search for order and
support. When I can't understand a situation, I feel insecure, and my brain automatically begins
searching for explanations. When I understand—or as is more likely, when I believe I understand—
that touches something in me. A recognition of a familiar pattern also calms and reassures in a
similar way. I may not understand anything about the causes, but the recurrence of patterns makes
me feel more secure. This makes us feel competent to deal with the situation. We cling to the feeling
of security, and tend to overlook and block out anything which will unsettle it.   The more experience
one has, the easier and faster the hypotheses come up. A therapist experiences a particular patter in
a constellation two or three times, and the next time, the hypothesis (in scientific terms) or
assumption (in conversational language) arises that it will be the same this time. Such hypotheses
can be very helpful, because there are, indeed, regularly repeating patterns in constellations.
However, since strong hypotheses buzzing in the brain make it more likely that one will miss the
moment, a real dilemma arises. In learning a method such as family constellation work, repeated
practice and furthering the learning process involves gathering experience.

A comment from the Indian mystic, Osho, provides the paradoxical solution:

“ To become a therapist, you should first learn everything in your power that is available about
techniques, knowledge, and explanations. When you are actually in the situation with a client, you
have to forget everything and enter into the moment with this individual person.”

Key points
  The therapist works without any intention to heal
 Fearlessness is an requirement to acknowledge what the field is communicating. Sometimes
when the therapist acknowledges their own personal fears there is a movement in the field
 When you don’t know how to proceed pull back into the state of emptiness and from that
something will emerge.
 Look kindly upon your failures there is a good chance that something will unfold from the
soul

Inner Orientation-what generates strength

In a constellation, the leader is focussed on what gives individual people strength and what takes
strength away. This is the guideline which determines action. One can observe very directly in the
representatives whether something provides strength or not. The change which can be most easily
observed that indicates that a sentence is generating strength, is a clear exhale.

Resolution in harmony with what is

To overcome fear is to agree to the world as is ,with everything that it entails.

With clients who are seeking help because they are seriously ill, or on the brink of death, Hellinger
sometimes makes a brief intervention which, seen from the outside, seems like a small exercise.

The client describes his issue. Hellinger has him remain in his seat and close his eyes, attending to his
breathing. After a few minutes, he encourages the man to drop his head into a slight bow. Slowly,
extremely slowly, sometimes a millimetre at a time, the man's head drops. Sometimes he pauses for
a long while. Gradually, his breathing deepens. Finally, something is released— the tension, the fear,
the fight against the illness or against death. When the man raises his head again, he looks different,
clearer, more relaxed and more peaceful.

What is happening is like a bowing down before fate, which can be taken in. Such resolutions, in
harmony with the world, are not "do-able". This is not something that rests in the hands of the
therapist, nor in the hands of the client. Being in harmony also means acknowledging these limits. A
client can't take such a step towards a resolution through willpower alone.

Orders of Love

Belonging –Everyone in the family has the right to belong irrespective of their fate

Order- Who ever comes first is in first place and the others follow in order .In the clockwise direction

Balance –Everybody has to carry his own fate with all its burdens as well as personal responsibility of
their life.

Usually there is an imbalance in the order due to exclusions, sometimes someone is excluded the out
of loyalty someone else in the system takes on their fate creating an imbalance in the system.This is
an expression of love in the entanglement where thay take in the attitudes ,feeling and fate that
belongs to another person.
Resolution

What happened because of love can only be resolved in love.

 Confusion of the natural order and entanglements come to light clearly

 Steps can be taken in the direction of clear order
 A good order can be established.

In terms of family origin the following appear

 The level which shows on the surface is a feeling of separateness often accompanied by the
rejection of the parents/family
 Discovery and experience of the underlying love which lies beneath and behind the
rejection.
 When we are in touch with the foundation of love we are able to look directly at the people
we are entangles with.
 Respect blossoms for the other person and the fate they carry the sentence in a
constellation may be: "I honour you and your fate and I leave it with you." To parents, the
person also offers thanks for life, itself, which has come through them.
 In this way, we can release a blind transference of the misery. Taking one step back allows
the person to break the blind connection. At the same time, the new respect and regard
maintains a bond at a higher level.
 The final image in a constellation, having gone through these processes, is the person
standing, as a child, together with his or her siblings, facing the parents and any other
important family members who had been excluded. The individual can see everyone, and
feels connected, secure, and small. The parents carry the negative influences which have
flowed through the generations in the family. Then, the person turns around, feels the
strength of the family at his back, and can move ahead freely into life.

Constellations show that our attitude towards life is our attitude towards our parents .Staying with
the resolution is hard work and a lonely process .The closeness of the bond we experience in
problems and in entanglement has to be relinquished in favour of resolution. Throught the
resolution we are still connected but in a different way ,it has a light and easy quality to it.

Concrete Patterns of Resolution

There are some patterns that are similar in constellations

Early death in the family: Someone who has died at an early age, is represented and placed in the
constellation. If it is a dead child, the leader can put the representative in the middle of the family,
visible to everyone. If the dead person came from an earlier generation, and is placed in the
background, it is appropriate for all the family members to turn and look at the person.

The death of a brother or sister is always a difficult burden for the remaining siblings to bear. They
feel something akin to guilt for having survived when the other one died. This feeling fosters a pull
towards death. A sentence which would express this movement is, "I'll follow you." The task, for the
living, is to honour the dead person. An expression of this might be, "I honour you and your death."
The dead person is given back their place in the family. "I give you a place in my heart as my big
brother/little sister."

The living ask for the blessings of the deceased. "Please, look friendly at me if I continue to live."
Sometimes it's helpful for the dead one to say, "It's my death and my fate, and I'll carry it. You
honour me by leaving it to me."

The deceased person could also be a sibling of the mother or father, that is, an aunt or uncle. In that
case, there is not only a direct connection to the nephew or niece, but also a connection through the
parent, who may be still holding on to their dead sibling. Therefore, it may be important for the
client to address the uncle or aunt directly, and then to address the parent separately with a
sentence like, "I honour you and your pain at the loss of your brother/sister, and I leave it with you,"
or, "I honour you and your pull towards death."

Hellinger describes the essential element in the following way: "With someone who longs to follow
another person into death, or to die for him or her, one of the most important moments in the work
is for that person to look directly at the other, saying at the same time, "I would rather that I die
than you." With direct eye contact, it is impossible to say that sentence, because the love of the
other person is also visible. The love remains, but is freed from the blindness which couldn't see the
other person."

An excluded family member -An excluded family member is often a member of a previous
generation. The sentences suggested in the above section also may also apply here, since those who
died early have also, in a certain sense, been excluded as family members. A child who feels a
particularly strong connection to an excluded family member, addresses this person directly, saying:
"I honour you and your fate."

Sometimes, if it has to do with a specific theme or a specific fate, it is good to also mention that. The
client has no significant relationships and is connected to her aunt who was in a nunnery. She
expresses her respect for her aunt directly, and then says, "Please look friendly at me if I get involved
with a man." The aunt replies, "You can stay connected to me, even if you are with a man."
Sometimes, a lovely move is to have all the children presented to the previously excluded member.
For example, a father may turn and say to the children, "This is my younger brother, who was
handicapped. He is your uncle and belongs to us." The children bow their heads to honour their
uncle. And, to make it complete, the father then presents his children to his deceased brother.
"These are my children, your nieces and nephews. Please look friendly at them."

Honouring one's parents Hellinger describes the basic different between parents and children in the
following way: "In the natural order of love between parents and children, the first principle is that
parents give and children take. It is not a question of just any kind of giving and taking, but of the
giving and taking of life. As the parents give life to their children, they are not giving something that
belongs to them. They give what they themselves are, and they can neither add anything to it, nor
diminish it in any way, or hold back anything. They give themselves to their children as life, without
additions or deletions. Accordingly, children can only take their parents exactly as they are when
they take life from them, and they can neither add nor delete anything, nor can they refuse any part
of what they are given.
Some sentences from a child to a parent which express this might be: "I honour you."  "I respect and
honour you and all that you carry." "You are big and I am small." There is great strength in giving
thanks for life, which can be formulated as: "You are my father/mother. Life has come to me through
you. This is the greatest gift possible and I thank you for it." Sometimes, for example in the case of a
handicapped child, it may be important to add to this: "I take this life, with everything it entails." If a
mother has suffered an illness or died in the process of giving birth, it may help the child to say, "I
take this life, even at the price it has cost." This sentence can also help in other difficult life
situations. Alternatively, "And what I couldn't get from you, I thankfully take from others." The
appropriate physical expression here is a deep bow, sometimes kneeling and bowing down all the
way to the floor. Parents carry their own burdens and take responsibility for themselves

Adults, 'big' people, have to carry the responsibility for their own lives. In a 'good order' the parents
carry the burdens and the children are free to be small. These burdens include whatever the parents
have taken over from their own parents or other ancestors, their own fate, regardless of how
difficult, and their own, personal guilt. Sentences from the parents to their child to express this could
be: "I will carry whatever has to be carried. You are only the child." or, "I take responsibility for
myself and for my own guilt." or, "You honour me by leaving me with my own fate. It is
presumptuous of you to try to carry it for me."

Clarifying the present family system -There are two major themes in a constellation of a client's
current family, which are:

 Prior relationships
 Being parents together in relation to the children.

Every prior partner belongs to the present family system, which means that there is most often a lot
of sorting out to be done following a separation. The following sentences may be helpful in leading
to peaceful solutions: "Thank you for everything I have received from you. You may gladly keep
everything you have received from me. I take responsibility for my part in our separation and I leave
you with the responsibility for your part. I give you a place in my heart." If there are children from
the relationship, the parents can add: "Through our children, we remain connected." The issue of
parents as a couple can be expressed by a parent to a child in the following way: "What happens
between us, your parents, is our business, and we will take care of it. You are only the child, here."
Another sentence which has sometimes been added is: "You can have me as your mother and him as
your father. You don't have to make any choices."

The therapist must stop the constellation when the energy in the system is collected, pushing
beyond this will only drop the energy in the system. When the therapist puts on the helpers hat he is
in a way restricting the field. Also when we pity our client this is not empowering for them as later
on this morphs to self pity. This protects the client from facing reality.The person is free to indulge in
feeling sorry for themselves. The natural step next is to blame some one-If only I wasn’t so entangled
or If only my parents were more understanding.

There are two other terms which are helpful here: pacing and leading. Pacing is something like
staying in step with the other, and is often called mirroring. Leading, is, of course, moving out ahead
to guide the way. Pacing and leading are closely connected. If the therapist's pacing is accurately
tuned in to the client, they will have good contact between them. Then, in the next step, the
therapist can lead the client along in a positive direction. Pacing is not some magical formula that
allows a therapist to lead a client wherever he or she chooses. The moment the therapist tries to
push his or her own ideas or direction too one-sidedly, the rapport collapses, the client pulls back,
and contact is lost. Rapport is established by observing the language as well as the body language of
the client. Also using the clients preferred words helps as well ,any translations on our part must be
avoided.

Everyone speaks at a speed at which they prefer to listen to others so matching the tempo and voice
is beneficial in establishing the contract.

Prior workshop preparation

People who have been accepted into a seminar may be given a questionnaire to help them organise
the relevant information. This usually includes information about usual and unusual events over the
previous three generations. Important are incidents such as deaths at a young age, prior
relationships of parents, significant guilt or debts, exclusion of family members, or any unusual fate.
Surprisingly enough, when people turn to their parents or other family members for information
before a seminar, they are often freely given details which they have never heard before.

Finally, I ask everyone to close their eyes and think for a moment about why they have chosen to
come to the seminar, and what they're looking for. "What is essential for you? If you were to express
it in one or two sentences, what would you say?" Then, I have everyone open their eyes and we
make a round in which each person says who they are and why they are there. With the preparatory
exercise, each person has had a chance to become more collected and any later rounds will be very
focussed. There is normally very little said that is not to the point. Many of the issues are similar, and
it is reassuring for people to hear that they are not alone with their problems. After the round, it is
time to begin the first constellation.

Beginning a constellation

Who feels clear enough about their particular issue that they are ready to do a constellation?

Another way of defining the issue is to ask what the burning question is. At the same time, the
therapist should take care not to lay too much importance on the 'perfect' formulation of the issue.
The demand to formulate things correctly creates an additional pressure on some people, who may
already feel extremely anxious.

The further away something is ,the impact is diminished-eg a siblings death will have more impact
than an aunt or uncle.

Parents doing constellations for their young children will have an indirect repercussion as children
absorb a lot of energy from their parents so if they do their work then the system ligthtens up.

In brief therapy, the first important intervention is to ask the client what they hope to achieve by
doing a constellation, and what will be different if this happens. This question does two things.
Firstly, in describing the hoped-for goal, the client has a concrete positive direction in which to go.
They are concerned with the solution rather than the problem. Secondly, by describing the goal, the
client is put in a more positive, more resourceful state. The more concrete the person can be about
the end goal, the more they are in touch with the pieces already present in the moment. Because of
these positive effects, it's not surprising that many therapists begin the work with this question.

Ending the constellation - "Stay in this position until you feel you have taken in everything that feels
important for you. When it feels like enough, leave your place and return to your seat, and that will
be the signal for the others to take a large step and get out of their roles."

"Helplessness, confusion, and not knowing are the three great aides for a constellation leader, if
they are accepted." Not knowing helps by forcing us to give up interpretations and hypotheses.
Helplessness reminds us that a successful constellation is not something we can do, but rather,
something that is always a gift. Confusion leads to new learning and is the source of amazement and
wonder.

Pointers for constellations

 Start with the minimum then add on

 Stand stil and take a short breather when you get stuck or lost.
 Experiment with your intuition and place people and check for reactions ,discard if irrevant
 Set out the basic systemic order
 Adjusting errors with echos from the participants

A balance between –Energy , Reality and Order

Energy The energy in a constellation is the energy of the in-forming field, and it appears in many
different forms. Constellations are, as previously mentioned, a kind of inventory of the hidden
energies in a family. This is expressed by the place a person is standing in the constellation space, by
the distance between one person and another, and the direction each person is looking.

 The representatives have physical reactions, feelings and connections to others that are
discernible in the role.
 The representatives can provide information about whether position changes or sentences
suggested by the therapist feel right or not.
 The representatives feel their own impulses for changes during the course of the
constellation, which may indicate a path towards resolution.

Using all his or her senses, the leader is attuned to the energies and impulses of the representatives.
The more the therapist sees, the less he or she will have to ask, because the direction of the
representatives' energy becomes apparent. The representatives, in their roles, are in the best
position to feel what is true in the family, and the therapist needs to take them seriously and trust
that they are correct. The leader is led by the representatives and will be able to recognise whether
the developments are right or not as things develop.

Tracking energy requires an attitude of serving, and those who are more accustomed to actively
intervening and making changes happen, will have a more difficult time maintaining this attitude.
Constellations can only provide an image of the energetic state in a family, and often expose a level
of truth that lies beneath the surface. There is not one 'truth', but many layers of truth which can be
explored over time in ever deepening levels.

Resistance of the client to say the healing the sentence - "Take your time. Look at your mother and
just try the sentence out to see how it feels." Or say “Do it anyway just as an experiment”

Hellinger has spoken about going to the extreme limits in a constellation. "I set up a constellation of
the basic situation and out of this basic situation I can see where the movements are aimed: towards
ruin, towards death, or towards resolution. Often I go with the worst movements first, for example
with a movement towards death, and I do it without fear. I go with the client to the outer extreme
limits so that it is clear where this inner movement leads. Sometimes, at the outer limits, there's a
turning point. At that point I don't move back. I leave the client standing at the outer-most
boundary."

The orders

There are natural orders in a system which push towards resolution in a constellation.
Entanglements can only be recognised and resolved when one has some knowledge of these orders.
If you only follow the energies, it will sooner or later lead to breaking off the constellation. It might
be possible to get back to a previous generation so the parents could find some peace, but if that
isn't successful, the power of the constellation will eventually just drain away.

Reality

Bringing reality into the constellation is an important and helpful intervention, which can also
stimulate critical impulses towards resolution. The therapist brings reality into the constellation by
calling things by name. This requires strength and courage in situations which involve heavy issues.

Good work for a therapist is looking at the aspect of the triad that has been ignored.

As a constellation leader, when I suggest a sentence like this I listen carefully inside myself to hear
whether my own feelings are in harmony with the sentence at that moment. If I don't feel that sense
of harmony, I let the sentence go. It also is not effective to suggest the same sentence repeatedly
time after time, because even though I don't intend it, the sentence will become empty and
mechanical.

"The sentences which lead to resolution in this work are not my invention. I become aware of them
through my contact with the souls of others and with the fields of energy. When we are in harmony,
the sentences emerge and I can say what others feel. Therefore, you can't use these sentences
stereotypically. You have to experience them out of the immediate situation. You have to feel your
way anew each time and find an expression of what is there. When the sentences come to you, they
live in you, so to speak. They alter according to the movements of the soul and then they will be
exactly right and they're beautiful." It is a good idea to take the actual words used by the
representatives. In that way, the therapist remains connected to those energies.

Pointers for sentences

•There is more power in a short, clear sentence A few clear words make a point better than too
many. Long, complicated sentences lose strength, and representatives are often confused by them.
"I am angry with you." "I criticise you for having abandoned me." "I won't carry this for you." (Not:
"Actually, I don't want to carry this for you.")

•Simple words instead of jargon Jargon diminishes direct experience. "I feel like you and I am also
carrying it." (Not: "I am identified with you.") "I am ticked-off at you." (Not: "I am feeling
aggressive.") "I'm crazy." (Not: "I'm schizophrenic.")

•I statements instead of You statements When a representative is pushing responsibility on to

someone else, it is often helpful to re-formulate sentences so that more responsibility remains with
the person. "I feel very hurt." (Not: "You hurt me.") "I feel crushed." (Not: "You are crushing me.")

•Reversing statements Astoundingly, many very strong, emotional statements turn out to be just as
true, or even more valid when they are reversed. It is worth trying the reverse as a test statement to
check it out. "You frighten me." And the reverse: "I frighten you." "You make me feel like a fool."
And the reverse: "I make you feel like a fool." "You are full of anger." And the reverse: "I am full of
anger." Father: "The children look very guilty." And the reverse: "I feel guilty."

•Formulate neutral sentences so that responsibility is clearly taken It is always helpful to have
responsibility expressly stated. "That doesn't really touch me." Better: "I am not allowing that to
touch me." "It's all the same to me." Better: "I am blocking off all my feelings."

•"Won't" instead of "can't" Someone saying that they can't takes a step which presents them as a
victim of circumstance. Stating that they won't do something, indicates taking responsibility for a
reluctance to act. Child to mother: "I can't bow down before you." Reformulated: "I won't bow down
before you." Husband to wife, whom he has hurt: "I can't blame myself." Reformulated: "I won't
blame myself."

•Using the word "but" "But" in a sentence has the effect of softening whatever has been said
before. The therapist can use "but" to take the strength out of negatives and give power to positives.
It is often enough to simply switch the representatives' sentences around. "There's a bit of warmth
there, but I'm still feeling indifferent." Better: "I'm feeling indifferent, but yet, there's a bit of warmth
there." "I thank you for my life, but I'm still dissatisfied." Better: "I'm still dissatisfied, but I thank you
for my life."

•Sentences in portions There's a positive effect from breaking sentences into small parts. I suggest
the first portion of the sentence and allow the representative to repeat that much, then I continue
with the second part. If I state the entire formulation all at once, it is more likely to raise objections,
because it is too much to accept all at once. When I speak a sentence in small bits, the first part has
an effect, and it makes the second part easier to take. "I will carry that for you…(pause)…out of
love." "I do the same things you do…(pause)…because I'm your child." "I'll live…(pause)…a bit
longer…(pause)…then I'll come, too."

•Stating opposites together It makes sense to leave opposites together without resolving them. This
is a technique I use when the energies or feelings contradict the natural orders. With the second
half, comes the reminder of the orders. "I am strong—and weak." Adding "and yet" or "even
though" can strengthen the second half. Child to father: "I don't want anything to do with you…
(pause)…and yet I am connected to you." Grandchild to grandmother: "I feel just as big as you…
(pause)…even though you are the big one and I am small." The word "but" in this case would weaken
the first part of the sentence which is not necessarily appropriate. Not: "I feel just as big as you…
(pause)…but you are the big one and I am small."

•Accepting resistance Sometimes it seems that there is too much resistance to allow an acceptance
of reality. In such situation, it has proven useful to accept the resistance and bring it in as an
introduction to a reality sentence. This often helps the person partially express the reality, which is a
step towards acceptance of it. A son who has taken up a position of privilege next to his mother
refuses to say to her, "You are my mother and I am only your son." The new formulation is "I refuse
to say that…" Others are: "Even though I don't want to accept it…" "Even though it's unbearable for
me…" "Even though it seems to me to be a lie…"

•Provocative sentences Sometimes a statement which directly opposes the natural orders provokes
a positive energy. Such a sentence may provoke a reaction rejecting the sentence. The indifferent
husband might say, "I'm absolutely not angry in the least." A mother facing her child feels weak, and
seems content to let the child carry the whole burden. She is given the provocative sentence:
"Although I am the big one and you are small, it is right for you to carry this for me."

• Indicating possible underlying feelings When I imply that there are hidden feelings underlying the
external feelings—which is usually the case—representative may gain access to these feelings more
easily. "There's more than the funny side." "I'm angry—on the surface." "I'm totally indifferent—and
I don't want to feel what else might be there."

• Negative statements Whenever I say something in the negative, I am creating a picture of the
opposite at the same time. A woman says to her husband: "I am neither your mother nor your child.
And you are not my father and not my child. You are only my husband and I am only your wife." The
images of the parents created in this way allow what had been a conglomerate to be sorted out into
separate pictures.

•Accentuating the bit of positive available Attention to something nourishes it. When I notice what
is positive in a statement and
give it my attention in a reformulation, it is strengthened. A father says to his child: "I can hardly see
you." The reformulation: "I'm beginning to see you." A woman says to her husband: "There is hardly
any love there." The reformulation: I feel a tiny bit of love." A woman says to her husband who has
expressed some warmth: "I feel something, but my mind can't let it in." The reformulation: My head
isn't willing—my heart is."

•Opening a door with the words "not yet" The words 'not yet' imply that the future is potentially
more positive. "My heart is willing. My head isn't willing." More positively stated: "My heart is
willing. My head isn't willing yet." "Even though I feel your love, I can't take it in." More positively:
"Even though I feel your love, I can't yet take it in." A child to a parent: "I can't bow down to you,
yet."

•Making wishes out of complaints Here too, attention to the positives underlying the complaint has
a positive effect. A man says to his wife, "It's a pity you're not here at my side." The reformulation: "I
wish you were here at my side as my wife."

A woman says to her husband: "This isn't a real relationship." The reformulation: "I wish I were
closer to you."
•Accentuating similarities In a conflict situation, when similarities between those involved are
identified and named, it has the effect of reducing the tension. Similarity is a source of strength for
reconciliation. A daughter feels cold and rejecting towards her mother. The mother also feels very
cool towards her daughter. When the grandmother's representative is added, the mother feels ill at
ease with her own mother. The similarity is identified by the mother saying to her daughter, "You
feel about me the way I felt about my mother." A man and his wife face each other irreconcilably.
The man says, "I am just as angry as you. We are very similar."

Increasing the distance between people makes eye contact easier in tense situations. Often the
representatives are standing too close together to allow for real contact.

When something is said aloud, it can then change. Having held its place, it can allow something new
to arise. For this reason it is helpful to identify in words what is clearly happening.

With very strong emotions, I often ask the client to show the emotion without any words and
without any sound—only with deep breathing. In that way, the feelings penetrate more deeply than
they do if someone is screaming. There are, however, some situations where emotion comes out
powerfully in a primal scream. That is something totally different. A scream like that penetrates right
through to the core."

Rage itself is often taken on from somewhere else and may have been passed down through several
generations. Under the anger, at its source, lies pain. When I am hurt, I become angry. There is
strength to be found in rage and I can still maintain contact with others. In pain, I lose my strength
and feel alone. When the underlying pain increases to the point that it becomes unbearable, the
anger on the surface loses its heat and turns to cold hatred.

In this state, cut off from feelings and focussed on the desire to hurt and destroy, a person is
capable of cruelty and atrocities. Even at that point there is still strength available in the depths.
When pain becomes too overwhelming, it moves into apathy and inertia.

Another possible sentence might be, "I would rather laugh than cry." Or, more generally, "I am
laughing to avoid feeling what is underneath." In exploring the various levels of feelings, it is
important to keep the essentials in mind.

"Strong feelings like rage often arise from an early interruption of a reaching-out movement, after
which the child could not move on. The anger protects the child from the pain of love. Anger is only
the flip side of love. In therapy, if I allow the anger to be expressed, I am simply repeating the early
experience, because the reaching-out movement was and remains interrupted. The experience can
be repeated in this way, but not resolved.  In this state of anger, the person has the illusion of being
superior to his or her parents. Sometimes in such an outburst, a person might scream at their
mother or father, "I'll kill you!" Then, it's as if the person had done it, and had accomplished
something.  Nothing has been accomplished and there are negative consequences for the person.

The critical word at this juncture for the person involved is "Please." You can feel the strength in that
compared to a tantrum. "Papa, please." "Mama, please." It is powerful and painful.
Hellinger speaks of the "interrupted reaching-out movement". Every child is pulled naturally towards
their mother and father in search of love, protection, and security. If a child is separated from their
parents or experiences enormous rejection and hurt, this movement is abruptly and harshly halted.

Anyone who has had this experience as a child, doesn't have the courage as an adult to open up
completely to the love for a partner. They are still pulled between the longing and the experience of
the negative feelings that are attached. Often, by his or her behaviour, the person unconsciously
provokes rejection from the partner. Again and again the old painful feelings come to the surface,
and the vicious circle is reinforced. But in this process, the pain and anger are substituted feelings
covering for the longing to be close to another.

Fulfilment of the child's needs brings healing. In such a situation, Hellinger sits facing the client and
has the person turn inward and back in time to the original experience of separation from the
parents. He then asks the person to reach out their hands and say, "Please." It is touching how
difficult this is for people to do. The pain and disappointment lie very deep. Only after the person
has actually said, "Please," can the therapist take over and act as a representative of the mother or
father, holding the client as a child. In this way, the reaching-out movement, interrupted so long ago,
can finally reach its destination. The old, negative feelings melt away by themselves.

Three Relationship Patters

 The relationship of children to their parents—the relationship of the small to the big.
 The couple relationship—the relationship of equals.
 The relationship of parents to their children—the relationship of the big to the small. In each
of these relationships there are certain patterns of order.

The more familiar a constellation leader is with these, the easier it is to introduce this aspect into the
work.

The relationship of children to their parents Children take on and help to carry the burdens of the
family. This is a given in constellation work. The form this takes can vary greatly, and it is easy to
initially overlook the burdens which children have taken on. For example, in one family there was a
baby who died shortly after birth. In a constellation, his brother couldn't get over the pain of this
event. We have to ask whether the death was really that terrible for him. The child may also be
carrying the repressed pain of his father. When the son has acknowledged and honoured his father's
pain, he can find the strength to face his own pain and give his brother a place in his heart.

There can be two alternatives for children in couple dynamics

1. Anger directed at parent of the opposite sex -mother. This anger is most often taken over
from the parent of the same sex. The first layer is usually the connection between the boy
and his father or the girl and her mother. In essence, the daughter is carrying the anger of
her mother towards her husband (the girl's father), and the son is carrying his father's anger
towards his wife (the boy's mother). When parents don't face up to their own feelings, their
children may take over and express those feelings. Sometimes it goes so far that a brother
and sister take over their parents' battles and fight with each other. The resolution is for the
child to face the parent who is the real source of the anger.
2. Anger directed to the parent of the same sex-father. Usually, this anger has been taken over
from the parent who is also the recipient. That is, the parent of the same sex. A daughter is
angry like her mother, and a son is angry like his father. The resolution is similar to that
described above, a son faces his father and says, "I am like you—angry like you—because of
my love for you. I honour you and your anger. I'm only the child." If the child appears very
big and the parents feel small, that will sometimes be inadequate. Then, it is often helpful to
add a representative for the father's father to stand behind him, or the mother's mother to
stand behind her.

Another example might be a daughter-in-law who is angry with her husband's mother. Usually it
comes from one of three sources, but sometimes a mixture of all three.

•The client is angry with her own mother but can't face this anger, so she expresses it towards
her mother-in-law. •Or, her husband is too far into his mother's sphere of influence and the
client feels abandoned by him. The more appropriate recipient of her anger would be her
husband. •Or, finally, the mother-in-law has actually done something to hurt the client's feelings
or to insult her. In this case, the anger towards her is appropriate.

No emotion is absolute and they carry layers of emotion beneath them-daughter to mother

“I am cold like you –I carry your coldness with you” and I am also carrying your underlying pain”
mother to daughter “I see your love and honor it”

A couple relationship

A couple relationship between a man and woman is a relationship of equals. The two stand side
by side. Whichever of the two is responsible for the security of the family stands in the first place
(moving clockwise). In most families, this is the man, and the woman stands in the second place.
A woman may stand in first place if she has taken over this role in the family, or if her family
carries a particularly heavy burden. The deciding factor is whether or not the representatives
feel right in their positions.

Everyone carries their own fate but the couple are connected to each another therefor “I will
carry this with you” but this isnt right but rather “I honour you ,and what you carry” . “ We will
carry this together” when they have faced a common misfortune financial or personal like loss of
a child.

Anger between men and women seem to be ancestral in nature and extends across many
generations and can be a cultural thing.

It is not always necessary to actually add representatives for the ancestors. I have had good
experience with just expressing the dynamics in words. The woman might say to her husband. "I
am carrying anger (or frustration, pain, etc.) that comes from my family. It has nothing to do
with you, but you bear the brunt of it anyway.'" Even just turning around briefly, to look at those
who stand behind the person has a powerful effect.  I ask the man or the woman to, "Turn
around and look at your family standing behind you and let yourself feel that. You don't have to
see them or be aware of them precisely, but give yourself a moment to look in their direction."
When the person turns back around again, something has changed, and they are usually more
clearly aware of the people they are looking at, here and now.

Being just a husband and just a wife

Every child has experienced failure, which means we all carry within us some wounds from the
past and the accompanying pain. Repressed pain turns into yearning, a longing for all that which
we haven't got. As a result, we look at our environment like a slide projector shining out into the
world, projecting an image of our father or mother on to the various men and women we meet.
We allow these pictures to run in the childish hope of getting what we have missed. At the same
time, this is a wish which can't be filled, because we are no longer children and there isn't
anybody in the world who could replace our actual parents. Even if a mother were to take the
thirty-year old child who was weaned too early back to her breast, it wouldn't heal those original
wounds.

The stronger the pain, the stronger the sense of longing and the resulting blindness to reality. In
looking for someone to hang this parent image onto, our first choice is our partner. This is most
easily seen in the transfiguration during the throes of first love.  Suddenly, the child's belief is
resurrected of having finally found the one who will be able to understand me, love me and fulfil
all my wishes.The healing sentence would be “I am only your husband nothing more”

“I will never leave you” , “ I will always be there with you” “You are the only one for me and
always will be” belong to parent child relationships . Parent child relationships are indestructible
not couple relationships.

Relationships between parent to their children

“I am the big one and you are the small one and I give you take” expresses the facts most
clearly.Children go to their parents not the other way around they are big and they must have
the patience to wait.

It is wise to pay attention to embrases : Who is holding whome? It would be helpful to have the
clids arms lay loose and allow them to be held.

Parents Pride in childen – “Son I am proud of you” this could mean two things – that the father
basks in his sons success or that he feels smaller than his son ,and the son looks down on his
father.It would be appropriate for the father to say “You strength came to you through me”

When a mother is pulled to death and wants her daughter in her sphere its better for her to
stand with her father and say to her mother “I honour you and your pull towards death” “ I will
do anything for you” and her mother says “I need you to keep me alive and that’s not right” .It
helps to ask the child to kneel on sit down front of their parents.

Sometimes a therapist leaves representatives of the dead standing and sometimes has them lie
down on the floor. What is the difference? When the dead are left standing, it is because the
living have something left to resolve with them. From a standing position, they are capable of
reacting. For instance, if a child in the family died young and has been excluded from the family,
then it is essential for this child to reclaim a place in the family and to stand with the other
children. When the dead lie on the floor, it has more to do with the unalterable fact of their
death. In this case, it is more important for the living to leave the dead in peace. I watched
Hellinger do a constellation in which the dead person was lying on the floor. During the
constellation he asked the representative to stand to allow for a necessary interaction with the
family, and then at the end of the constellation, the representative lay down again.

Sometimes the dead are restless and cant find peace then we add on other dead people in the
family to make them feel comfortable or if the dead is looking like a child for someone to hold
onto then have them turn onto their own mother .When one is in the arms of their mother the
living are free to turn away.

If the dead are trying to pull the living with them then there is a probability of undiscovered
violent conflicts within the family.

Illness and death

One of the contributing factors to serious illness is an inclination towards death.When a family
member is drawn towards deceseased family member ,their energy for life is weakened.

The most important step is a face to face meeting with the dead.If a positive strength comes out
of this then that will have a great effect on the over all recovery.

Its good to ask if someone else in the family had or has the same illness to check for systemic
entanglements.

Atonement for heavy personal guilt.

An illness might be a personal way to atone for a misgiving like an early abortion ,the solution
lies in taking responsibility for their actions as well as the consequence.

Eating disorders:

Anorexia usually points out to the dysfunction with one of the parent mostly the father but the
mother says to her children “Your father has nothing valuable to offer ,you can take only from
me”

The anorexic person is saying, "I want to die," and eating means, "I want to live." A bulimic says
"I want to live," by eating, and "I want to die," by vomiting out the nourishment. Here, the
vomiting is a continuation of the same dynamics of the anorectic's non-eating. The resolving
sentence is, "I will stay." Simply that. The parents, particularly the father, can also say, "I will
stay."

An illness is perhaps something that the person dosnt want to acknowledge

 Person
  Guilt
 Boundary
 Their body
 Their soul
 A task to be done or path to be taken

Illness forces a change .The therapist allies himself with the goal of the illness –the excluded
person ,denied guilt ,despised body ,forgotten soul.When these are put in order the client will be
able to live fully or die gracefully.

Matthias Varga has suggested a useful technique in which three representatives are chosen: one for
the client, one for the illness, and one for the person or thing which is connected to the client
through the illness.

In cases of serious abuse parents have lost their right to be parents .They must withdraw from their
children and let them go. Sometimes it’s appropriate for them to turn their back to their parents and
face the opposite direction.

Conceptual Constellations-Joy Manne

From our first cry, and with our earliest expressive noises, we are telling stories. Our first words,
“Mama” or “Papa,” tell a story too. We assert our bond when we name our parents “Mama” and
“Papa.” When they respond with smiles and joy, they confirm their bond with us. We belong in a
family together. Our story begins, “Once upon a time there was a baby born in a family …” And then
it continues in a large variety of different ways.

We tell stories in order to explain to ourselves and to others who we are, and how we are, and why
we behave the way we do. Much of our conscious thought takes the form of an internal narrative in
which we try to understand ourselves and our actions. We tell stories to make sense of the world.…
We interpret our feelings, actions and experiences in the form of narrative.

We also tell others stories to influence and manipulate them. We tell our children stories that
socialize them. We inform them who our gods are, convey to them the norms of our society and
country and what our values are, through story.

We are psychologically effected by the stories we tell and share .A good story is good for our
hormones. For Plato these patterns in the noosphere were ideas or concepts. Carl Jung wrote about
archetypes, patterns that shape thought and behavior, and gave them a home in a collective
unconscious to which we are all connected.

Activations are those blind areas where previous trauma possesses us and pushes us into our
automatic behavior patterns. Stories take us beyond activations. They provide direction and
solutions. Activations make us unconscious. The parables in the Bible and Zen koans speak to our
unconscious in its own language of image and symbol. Because these parables bypass analytical
consciousness, the deep ideas they convey rise to consciousness and become potential solutions.
They send us on journeys to mindfulness, awareness, and insight. Hellinger’s healing sentences do
the same.

All human lifes are written in a pattern of quest ,initiations and tests.

We are possessed by stories: all the stories that we have had read to us as children; all the stories we
have read as myths, legends, fairy tales, folktales, history, and novels; all the stories we have
watched in movies and documentaries. We are possessed by all the stories we have been told about
ourselves by well-meaning others to help us to make sense of our life, as well as by less-noble others
imposing their idea of the sense of our life. We are possessed too by all the stories we have told
ourselves about ourselves in our earnest attempt to make sense of our life. When our family’s
“story” is placed upon us as a burden, we suffer. We identify with an ancestor’s life history. We cast
ourselves into their role as victim and we project blame onto someone else as perpetrator, or we
take on their role as perpetrator and we find someone to be our victim. Stories that we repeat
become self-confirming. Unconscious of the effect, we program ourselves by repeating, word for
word, the stories our family members have handed down about each other, and we entangle
ourselves in them, like flies in a spider’s web. We benefit from inspirational stories about brave,
insightful, and ethical ancestors; and we suffer from the deeds of long-dead, harmful ancestors
whom we have never known.

We are hominus narrativus, the species that tells stories because it lives in stories.

All our stories can be borne if you put it in a story or tell a story about them –Karen Blixen

Many of the stories we tell, or are told, concern our birth family. Sometimes they are happy stories
about beloved parents, strong sibling bonds, and happy holidays spent together, but much of the
time we tell, or are told, unhappy stories: parents were unreliable, siblings were cruelly competitive,
our grandfather was an alcoholic, someone else committed suicide, and more.

A client who comes to therapy tells a story. It is the story he has told himself, or been told, to
explain why his family members are as they are: my mother did this and my father did that; my
mother couldn’t get along with her father and I can’t get along with mine; my grandfather was killed
in the war and my father still grieves for him; etc. An essential part of growing up concerns learning
family stories that have been handed down through generations and dutifully making these our own.
The price of being born into a family is inheriting that family’s stories. We tell, or are told, the same
stories, again and again, in almost the same words.

We indoctrinate ourselves, or are indoctrinated with them, to such an extent that they inhabit us.
Our family stories inhabit us too because a family is an energy field that connects previous
generations with future generations, like a continuously woven tapestry with warps and wefts.
When helpful acts are performed by a family member or toward a family member, they leave their
strength in the tapestry to the benefit of future generations. When harmful acts are perpetrated by
a family member, or against a family member, they leave their traces too: they create holes and
weaknesses in the tapestry. We cannot escape from our family energy field but must bear with grace
the destiny that brought us into our birth family.

Each time we repeat a story of the ill fate of our forefathers its dis-empowering ourselves and re-
traumatizing
Exercise:

 What did your mother tell you about her mother and father?
 What did your father tell you about his mother and father?
 What do you know about your various aunts and uncles?
 Does your family have real enemies
 How do you feel when you remember these stories?

The field likes minimalism so much words arnt used when in the field. Soul is silent ,the ego needs
words .When we try to reduce the fields wisdom into words we make ourselves bigger than the
field.It takes us beyond stories of naming and blaming and into freed vision and understanding.

“Family tectonics” unravels slowly, and even at the climax of a constellation – its earthquake
moment – slowness is essential so the client can see everything that is happening and integrate
it.Family constellations is the plate tectonics of our inner world. When the earth plates move there is
an earthquake followed by after shocks and then the earth settles .Integration takes time.

The ancient greek said ,its our job to know ourself.

Hellinger always emphasises on “Acknowledging what is”

Curiosity is not a worthy motivation for family constellation ,pain is. When insufficient time is
allowed for integration, constellations in quantity lead to confusion. The effect of a family
constellation can be compared to a line of dominoes carefully set up, and carefully set off to fall
slowly, one on top of the other, until eventually they reveal a beautiful pattern. When clients go for
quantity rather than patient integration, one constellation pushes over a domino at one end of a
line, and the next constellation pushes over a domino at the opposite end. The movements cancel
each other out, and the result is muddle. A family constellation is an earthquake whose aftershocks
have to be supported by other, slower, different methods of growth and development.

First comes experience and then awareness. Being literate means having access to knowledge
beyond words life literacy means how life and relationships work. Its relational intelligence. FC is the
education in life litracy it shows us how our birth family functions and how our family systems
function in general .All relationships are subject to systemic regularities.

Family constellations shows us our bonds of entanglement with the history and fate of our ancestors
and our identification with individuals who once held their place within our family but were later
excluded.

Constellations show us how our great need to belong in our family makes us loyal, sometimes at the
price of our individual conscience. Constellations also show us a Higher Conscience that insists that
wrongs are put right and that harm done is compensated for, and that places the burden of this task
on a third and fourth generation and beyond.

Exercise: Archetypal Behavior Patterns

Which fairy tale, myth, or movie did you identify with when you were a child under ten years old?
Does this still have significance for you? Do you sometimes find yourself in a role from that story?
Did your answers surprise you?
The ego symbolizes the child who has to serve the soul and higher conscience.

Orders of Love

According to the Orders of Love, in a family, the husband and the wife come first for each other;
afterward come the children in order of birth: the first child, the second child, etc. When these
orders are violated, the family’s well-being is at risk. If the daughter comes first for the father, he is
making a proxy wife out of her. If the son becomes the substitute for the father, the father is pushed
aside and the son is not free to establish his own relationships. In both cases incestuous tendencies
are the risk. The same orders hold in a business: workers who were hired earlier take precedence
over those who were hired later.

Marriages and new partnerships are a new beginning. Then the partner comes before parents and
siblings; a second partner takes precedence over the first; a third over the second; and so forth. If we
do not end a previous relationship respectfully, we are not free to enter our next one, and our
children or grandchildren may pay the price.

Often we see friendship between mistresses and children they have protected them from worst
situations.Bert helliger has observed that the wickedest acts have been performed in good
conscience.

Body Constellations

The way we hold our body largely communicates what we are feeling.-optimistic or pessimistic,
confident or frightened and much more.

There’s a foolish idealism that we should push ourselves beyond our comfort zones in our inner
work. We must go beyond our “resistance,” a Freudian term. Not to do so is weakness, lack of self-
responsibility, or classified by some other judgmental term like “denial.” As the saying goes, “De Nile
is da name of a river in Egypt.” How can we go beyond our limit? And indeed, why should we? Our
unconscious will block what our psyche cannot yet deal with because it is dangerous to our psychic
structure. That is its job. In practice, when I tell clients they don’t have to do more than they are
comfortable doing, they go very far very securely because I am respecting their unconscious.

The Suicide walk

Each participant chose a partner, and I set up the two groups in two rows facing each other across
the room. In one row were the Journeyers. Opposite them were their Supporters. Journeyers were
to proceed slowly across the room, each toward their own Supporter. The Supporters were to
maintain eye contact and to “hold” the working participant with their energy and intention. If a
Journeyer stuck at any point and could not go farther, the Supporter was to command them firmly,
saying, “You come” or “You stay.” Many Journeyers stuck, some fell over as each participant safely
experienced his or her longing to “go,” to be relieved of the responsibility of this huge enterprise
that is human life and become free to join their ancestors in the safety of Death. The Supporters
succeeded on every occasion to get their Journeyers to finish the journey. The Journeyers could walk
to the threshold of their longing for Death and come back, because they knew that a trusted person
was firmly holding them in life. Afterward, participants changed roles and we repeated the Suicide
Walk.

Chairs as Ancestors

The chairs were arranged with the client’s chair in front, her parents behind her, the parents’
parents behind them, and so forth – our room was large enough to allow six generations, which was
splendid. The client started in her own chair in a grounded way, of course. She then was instructed
to go to the chair that called her most strongly and represent that ancestor, or to ask someone else
to represent that ancestor.

Finding Your Personal Law/Lie

Answer the questions below as quickly as you can.

My most negative thought about myself is … The reason I’ll never be completely happy no matter
what I get is … The problem with me is that I am … The thing I’m most afraid that people will notice
about me is … If I did know what my worst thought about myself was, it would be … A fear I have of
giving up that thought is … Affirmation: I forgive myself for thinking

Suppose a client says “I never get what I want” the counsor would ask who or what do you see when
you say that.A personal lie brings up a lot of greif.

Finding Your Personal Blessing

Answer the questions below as quickly as you can. My most positive thought about myself is … The
reason I’ll always be completely happy no matter what I get is … My blessing is that I am … The gift
that most people notice about me is that I’m … If I did know what my best thought about myself
was, it would be … A joy I have in this thought is … Affirmation: I bless myself for thinking

Stories

We are inhabited by story. All the stories we have told ourselves and been told about ourselves; all
the stories we have told others and told about others; all the stories we have read as myths, legends,
fairy tales, folktales, history, and novels or watched in movies and documentaries – all of these
stories live in us. We use story to make sense of our life. We tell ourselves stories to understand our
experiences and character. We impose some stories upon ourselves.

Self-Imposed Explanations and Justifications- “I’m impatient, like my mother. Her mother was
impatient too.” “I don’t get along with my brother / sister. We are too different.” “My mother /
father never loved me / loved my brother or sister more / was uninterested in her / his children.”

Well- or ill-meaning family members, friends, and teachers impose stories upon us to help us make
sense of our life, or to impose their idea of the sense we must make of our life.

Imposed Stories “You are brainy, not artistic.” / “You are a mathematician.” / “You are good at
languages.” / “You’ll never be good at anything.” “Why aren’t you as smart as your older / younger
sister / brother / the person who sits next to you in class?” “You are as beautiful as your mother.” /
“It’s too bad you aren’t as beautiful as …” “You don’t get along with your mother / father, because
you’re too much like her / him.”

Exercise: Freedom from Imposed Stories What did you hear about yourself and your family from
your parents and siblings, from other family members, from outsiders? How much / little of it is
true?

Others tell us stories that explain and justify their character: they are how they are because of their
experiences.

Exercise: Questioning Stories We Have Heard and Told What was your mother / father like? How did
they justify their character to you? How much / little of it was true? What are you like? How do you
justify your character to your partner, children, friends, and colleagues? How much / little of what
you say is true? How would Cinderella’s ugly stepsisters explain and justify themselves? Or
Goldilocks? Or Voldemort? Or Katniss? What about choice?

Family Constellations is a story: the story of cause and effect woven into the vast tapestry of a
family’s relationships through history. It is concerned with stories in which people can, hopefully,
eventually “live happily ever after.”

Every story has a plot and characters

Christopher Booker’s Seven Basic Plots

1. Overcoming the Monster-Little red riding hood ,Jack and the bean stalk
2. Rags to Riches –Alladin ,Cinderalla ,the ugly duckling
3. The Quest-Lord of the rings ,Jesus and Buddha also were on a quest
4. Voyage and Return-Alice in the wonderland ,Peter pan ,Huger games
5. Comedy –Laural and hardy ,Comedy contains a threst of tragedy but has a good ending
becuae they learn their lesson
6. Tragedy –Romeo and Juliet ,Hamlet (do not learn or learn too late)
7. Rebirth-Sleeping Beuty ,Beauty and the Beast ,Snow white.

Exercise: What’s Your Plot? Go back to yesterday, because it will still be fresh in your memory. Make
a list of all the things you did. Divide your activities into scenes.

For example, how did you wake up? Like Cinderella, with too much to do and nobody acknowledging
you? Like Tom Thumb, feeling too small for the tasks ahead? Like Harry Potter, who has to learn an
enormous amount before he can slay his monster, Voldemort? How many monsters did you have to
overcome? Do some days feel as if there are only monsters? Did you make an attempt to become
more prosperous? Were you seeking something spiritual? Did you leave home and return? Safely?
Wiser? What did you learn on your journey? Did funny things happen during your day? Or romantic
things?Or tragic things?Did you have a deep experience that changed your life?

I explained the seven basic plots in a workshop in Brussels where I was formally teaching
Conceptuals for the first time. I asked the participants to identify which plot they were involved in in
their life in the present, and I proposed some ways to set it up. They were free not to follow my
suggestions.
Overcoming the Monster: Set up Yourself and The Monster. Add representatives as necessary.

Rags to Riches: Set up Yourself, The Cause of Your Feeling of Poverty, and The Riches You Aspire To.
Add representatives as necessary.

The Quest: Basically there is only one plot, which is the Quest. Overcoming the Monster is a quest.
Getting from Rags to Riches is a quest. Voyage and Return is a quest. Seeking Enlightenment
(Rebirth) is a quest. Comedy is a quest for love. Tragedy is a failed quest.

Voyage and Return: Set up the distance between two chairs, or a circle (see the Hero’s Journey
image in Chapter 19). One place is designated The Beginning of the Voyage, another The Goal of the
Journey, and a third, The End of the Journey or The Return. I leave Comedy and Tragedy to your
imaginations.

Rebirth: Set up What Blocks Me and What I Have to Learn to Become Free. Add more
representatives as the need arises.

Exercise: What’s Your Quest? Which fairy tale, myth, or legend do you most identify with? Which
Greek, Roman, Native American, or other god or goddess do you most identify with? In the last three
movies you watched, who did you identify with? What did they do that caused you to identify with
them? How did they find solutions to what activated them?

Six heroic archetypes—the Innocent, the Orphan, the Wanderer, the Warrior, the Altruist, and the
Magician

Achetype is another word for patterns ,a container into which many varions fit. These archetypes
describe roles in the world. We are Innocent in relationship to others, who can then easily
manipulate us. We are Orphans and depend on others, who have no genetic motives to protect us,
only their Altruism or Caregiving. We are Wanderers or Seekers, looking for our place in the world.
We are Warriors who fight and Destroy, Rule, and Create. And maybe, if we have lived our life wisely
enough, we become Magicians, Sages, or Tricksters.Leaving home is an archetypal experience that
we go throught in our own way.

Wanting is ego work ,representing is soul work.Our breath is the barometer of our state of
consciousness ,you can use your breath to sense where on the scale you are.

Shamanism and the Development of Consciousness

If you read any ten books on shamanism, you will discover a pattern of development and practice
that is consistent for all shamans. The nature of a shaman’s birth is significant. (The Buddha was
born from his mother’s side while she was standing up. She died seven days later.) Early in their lives
shamans experience a Calling. They have a strong sense of Quest. Adolescence is troubled for
shamans. They may fast or undergo other dietary experiments or put their body through tests of
endurance (think about bungee-jumping and other extreme sports). They accept their various crises,
which they take on as challenges and endure as initiations. Shamans may seek periods of solitude
and withdrawal from the world, communicating mainly through Facebook and the internet. They
may seek altered states of consciousness through meditation and other spiritual disciplines, or drugs
and alcohol. Potential shamans seek knowledge and training, and apprentice themselves to an older
shaman or teacher. They are led to acquire particular skills and are tested through ordeals. They are
faced with choices between good and evil, go through temptations, make sacrifices, and overcome
difficulties. Eventually, if they succeed, they are recognized by their group and go on to become
teachers. It is frequent in shamanic literature that the initiate’s flesh is removed from his body and
his bones are counted. If he has enough, usually one more than normal, he is reassembled. At many
crucial passages in life – from adolescence into the adult world, the midlife crisis, the “nearing-the-
end-of-life” crisis (entering retirement, the beginning of imperfect health, and more than intimations
of mortality) – people pass through periods of feeling quite wrenched apart by their life’s
circumstances and being obliged to put themselves together again, and again. Not all potential
shamans succeed.

A yoga teacher brought the parable of the Chariot from the Upanishadic tradition to a group and
asked me to set up its parts: Two Horses that represent the emotions; a Charioteer who represents
the mind, either as identified with the Ego or in service to the Soul; Four Wheels that represent the
physical body; and one Traveler: the Soul. She did not bring a text.

Perfect Parents, Perfect Children

Our parents are only someone else’s children. Every person I have ever worked with has felt hurt by
their parents at some time. That is realistic. We have indeed all been hurt by our parents and we
have hurt them in return. In all of our relationships, from our earliest childhood friendships, we
know from experience that sometimes one of us gets it wrong, the other person is injured, and
together we make up. Why should it be different with our parents? Why are so many of us so
unforgiving with regard to our parents? All the clients I have ever worked with and every person I
have ever spoken to is possessed by a belief so profound it must be archetypal: they are entitled to
perfect parents.

Against these hypothetical perfect parents their real parents can’t compete. Of course not. Our
parents are only someone else’s children, nothing more. And the same is true for their parents: our
grandparents, and for each generation of our ancestors, and for the generations that follow us. We
are each the child of someone else’s children.We take for granted what our parents got right.

Exercise in praise for parents

Take a large sheet of paper and title it “I appreciate my parents for …” Now fill the sheet of paper
with sentences starting with those words. Don’t allow yourself to have difficulties. If you are alive,
your parents kept you alive during your childhood. If you can read, it’s because they sent you to
school. Look at the basics and don’t let the grievances submerge you. Remember, your parents are
only someone else’s children.

Most parents give to their children what they wanted from their own parents and didn’t get it –
overlooking that their children are separate individuals with different needs.

Being human never means “being born free from entanglements.” All of our stories tell us that we
must work for that freedom. We must overcome dangers, undergo initiations, and pass tests, and
even then we don’t get full freedom. We clear a part of the forest of our inherited entanglements,
only to enter another woodland, and then another. Being human means ongoing learning, ongoing
development.
The Vase Breath I am a breathworker. This is the exercise I use at the beginning of every group I
facilitate, no matter what its subject, to ground the participants and to bring group energy together.
People who are not grounded are unconscious, and so I cannot work with them. Part One Sit
comfortably on a chair with your feet flat on the ground. Your knees and feet should be parallel to
your hips. Feel your weight on your buttocks. Be sure to sit up straight. Do not tense your body. Now
imagine you are a vase, and that the air you breathe is water. Let the air you breathe flow into you
like water into a vase, filling you from the bottom up. Do not hold onto your breath. Once the “vase”
is comfortably full, let your body decide its moment to let go. Let your exhalation pour smoothly
from your body like water from a jug. Breathe in again. I wait until this way of breathing is
established in the group and they are comfortable to go further. Then I continue: Part Two Now
imagine that your buttocks are a second pair of lungs. Make the vase bigger and let the air flow as
smoothly as water into these “energy lungs” as well as into your physical lungs, again filling you from
the bottom up. Take time to get comfortable with this way of breathing. I ask participants to lift a
finger if they can feel the difference. It’s rare that anyone is unable to feel the difference. We can
feel the density of the air change as participants’ energy fields become stronger and clearer. I
continue: Part Three Now imagine that your thighs are a third pair of lungs. They too are “energy
lungs.” Make the vase bigger and let the air flow into both pairs of “energy lungs” as well as into
your physical lungs. Once again I ask participants to lift a finger if they can feel the difference. At this
point they feel deeply connected with each other. It’s rare that anyone is unable to feel the
difference. We can feel that the density of the air has become even more intense. I continue: Part
Four Now bring your energy back to yourself. When you are ready to work, please open your eyes.
By the end of Part One participants are doing full abdominal breathing. Part Two increases their
grounding and expands their energy field. Part Three creates an energy that connects the group to
each other and to something much larger. Part Four brings participants back to themselves,
grounded and connected.

Statements :

Children rejected by their parents

"Even if you don't love me anymore, you remain my mother and I remain your child."

The therapists has the mother say, "I take my weakness, my helplessness, and my guilty feelings and
I carry them all." the daughter can bow to her mother and say, "I honour you, your weakness, your
helplessness, and your feelings of guilt, and I leave them all to you."

From a child to a mother and/or father

 "I honour you." "Thank you."

 "What goes on between the two of you has nothing to do with me."
 "You are the big ones, and I am small."

From a father and/or mother to a child

 "Here, I am the big one and you are small."

  What is between the two of us has nothing to do with you.

From the living to the dead

 "I honour you and your death."

 "I give you a place in my heart." "Please, look friendly at me if I remain alive."

Ulsamer, Bertold. The Art and Practice of Family Constellations: Leading family constellations as
developed by Bert Hellinger (Kindle Locations 2548-2560). Kindle Edition.

Ulsamer, Bertold. The Art and Practice of Family Constellations: Leading family constellations as
developed by Bert Hellinger (Kindle Locations 2540-2546). Kindle Edition.

Ulsamer, Bertold. The Art and Practice of Family Constellations: Leading family constellations as
developed by Bert Hellinger (Kindle Locations 2336-2339). Kindle Edition.

Triangulations:

Dad I am your daughter…this is my mother…your wife

-Heres a safe place for you under the protection of your mother .Try to feel the closeness and
intimacy of your mother.

-You can imagine now a figure 8 lying horizontally .You are standing in one circle of the eight and
your father is in the other circle .Keep this in mind.Can you visualize this? Good now think of the
eight as we turn to your potential partner

Parents with heavy fate to children

"This is our struggle. We are the big ones here and we will carry it. You are just a child, a child of
both of us." The daughter feels enormously relieved. She bows down to her parents and says, "I'll
leave this with you. I'm just a child."

When order isnt been able to be established

“I need a little bit more time for this”

Superiority

“I respect you and the difference in our levels”

“I respect you and your fate, the burden of your fate belongs to you and your own dignity and
worth.”

Entanglements:

Dear aunt ,this symbol in my hand represents your belifs and other things that I have unconsciously
taken from you .It belongs to you .I have carried it our of love with you .It belongs to you .I have
carried it out of love for you.Now I give it back .It belongs to you and your fate.

Aunt-I respect that you have carried it all for me .It belongs to me and my fate and dignity.

Seprations:

For what didn’t work between us, I take my share of the responsibility. I leave your share with you.I
thank you for the positive things that you have given me. I take them with me into my future. I give
you a big place in my heart, and let you go on with your life.

No matter what happned between us I am still is father of ….and thus my role as a parent I remain
connected with you for the benefit of our son.

Child-Whats between you and my father is of no concern to me .I am only your son your my
mother…You’re the elder one and I am only your son..daughter.

(Sometimes standing on the chair helps to see if there is resistance from the client to check how
comfortable this place is for them of feeling superior to their parents.)

Parents Separating:

I thank you for all the good that you have given me. I take it with me into my future. for what went
wrong between us, I take my share of the responsibility. I leave yours with you! I give you now a big
place in my heart and let you go on with your life. As parents though, we remain united for the sake
of our child

New relationships:

Now I’m here for you!

Acknowledging Couple relationship:

Tell your parents look kindly upon me ,my husband and our values .I will happily receive your
blessings

Home Exercise

Relationship Beings

Imagine in your minds eye your relationship being.

Would it be more masculine or feminine for you?

How old is it?

Is it standing closer to you or your partner?

A relation being is a beautiful metaphor for two people who create something with their love that
goes beyond them and becomes its own entity .It has its own existence intrinsically and you can set
it up with the necessary respect in a constellation.

For Ex Partners

You can try to perform the separation ritual by yourself at home. It is more powerful in a
constellation. But in a longer line of partnerships you can resolve the ‘less important’ ones. at home,
and the most important ones in a constellation. The sentences are the same :

 Take a picture or a symbol of the former partner

 Light a candle next to it in order to enhance your focus and concentrate better. Then speak
the following sentences while imagining that the soul of your ex-partner responds quietly to
them: “I thank you for all the good that you have given me. I take it with me into my future.“
Pause. Let it settle in.
 You may want to look at the flame of the candle. “[Insert name], for what went wrong
between us, I take my share of the responsibility. I leave your part with you. Pause. Let it
settle in.
 You may look at the flame of the candle. “I’ll now give you a (great) place in my heart and let
you go on with your life.“ Pause. Let it settle in.
 Then blow out the candle as a sign that the separation ritual has been completed.

This also works over long distances or when the spouse or partner is already deceased.

For Imbalance in Couple Relationships

Do you feel an imbalance of giving and taking, of commitment and relationship work in your
partnership? Is there an imbalance from the past that previously couldn’t be compensated? Can you
give or take at all? Is giving or taking somewhat difficult or is it easy for you?

Is ‘it is more blessed to give than to receive’ a motto for you? Have you ever forgiven a huge misstep
of your partner without adequate compensation? Don’t condemn yourself and forget about having
socially acceptable feelings! The first step to solving the problem is acknowledging it.

For Couple Belief Systems

Contemplate if your unspoken beliefs systems ,rules or values in your family.

What are your partners values and those of their family?

This helps in recognizing conscious or unconscious belif systems.

For Entangelments
Think if there are family members who have relationship issues .Make a list with their names.

Do you feel particularly connected to anyone of them ? Are there parallels in your autobiography
and theirs ?

When you see this person in your minds eye do you perceive yourself seprate from them?

Do you sometimes feel controlled by others ,and sometimes feel that you have no real choice?

Son carrying a heavy fate and feeling bigger than his father

“I respect you as my father “ and the trying and bows down and sees how that feels

People who are very ill or battling with a grave illness

Hellinger advices them to bown down slowly while focusing on their breath.

Death by Suicide

“It was my decision to kill myself .I take responsibility for this decision of my death .You can honor
me by leaving it with me”

Abuse

"I am filled with pain and rage. I am leaving the responsibility for this abuse with you." Or

"You have given me what is truly essential, and as for the rest, I leave you with the responsibility."   It
may later come to a move on the part of the parent, such as "I take all my own responsibility and
carry the consequences. You are free. I am sorry."

Couple Issues and Children

Anger carried for one of the parent -The resolution is for the child to face the parent who is the real
source of the anger.  A daughter would then stand facing her mother, bow down to her and say,

"I honour you and your anger. You are big and I am small. What is between you and Papa belongs to
the big ones, and I leave it with you. I am only the child."

It is also possible to keep the focus on the child's love, in which case the daughter might say,

"I will gladly carry your anger for you." She could also add, "I ask you to love Papa as much as I do."

Quarrelling Couples

"I chose you as my wife/husband and I got you as my wife/husband. I take responsibility for my
choice and carry the consequences."

What is to be done if someone chooses not to take their responsibility? In really difficult cases,
sometimes it is helpful to have the person say,

"I take responsibility for feeling like a victim. I do this as those before me have done."
 A sentence of resolution for both, regardless of how terrible their relationship has become, is,
"There is some way in which we suit each other."

Ulsamer, Bertold. The Art and Practice of Family Constellations: Leading family constellations as
developed by Bert Hellinger (Kindle Locations 2974-2976). Kindle Edition.