ROMANTIC

RELATIONSHIPS IN
EARLY RECOVERY
Chapter 10
Introduction
• As many addiction therapists have probably
heard, it is detrimental in early recovery for the
person to become involved in romantic
relationships.
• Romantic refers to experiencing feelings of
attraction, infatuation, or what the individual
considers love.
• Relationship refers to ongoing or regular contact
between an individual or individuals who are
experiencing these romantic feelings.
Love
Love is a difficult
concept to define.
It is usually
referred to as an
emotion and has
also been
described as a
behavior.
Both are accurate
and are not
mutually
exclusive.
Love
Love
•As can be seen in the diagram, the three
components of love are:
• Intimacy, which can be described as getting to know
the person and liking what you know;
• Passion, which is infatuation;
• Commitment, which is self-explanatory.
•Many people confuse infatuation or passion
with love. After a period of time together, and
as the passion naturally cools, they find
themselves falling out of love.
Love
• Given that the experience of love draws upon significant
emotional resources, people in recovery are encouraged to
keep a safe distance from the potential development of love.
• As unpredictable as life, love can easily spring itself upon a
person. Once it has happened, how is someone in recovery
supposed to say no?
• It is the experience of addiction counselors that once a person
reveals that he is in love, it is almost impossible to extinguish
the emotion.
• This explains why counselors are charged with identifying signs and
situations that can lead a person to fall in love (those reasons are
beyond the scope of this text).
Sex
• When told it is ill advised to enter into a relationship,
a great deal of addicts in early recovery ask the
question, “Well, what about sex?”
• Although this seems mostly harmless if two
consenting adults are involved, there are a few
complications that at least should be considered.
• The first is that many people, let alone addicts in early
recovery, have difficulty separating sex and intimacy.
Often, feelings develop despite the belief that they
never would.
Sex
• A second consideration is the tendency of those who
have been sexually abused to sexualize intimacy.
• This occurs when a friendship develops, secrets are shared,
and a sexual attraction becomes apparent, even though none
had existed prior to the friendship getting closer.
• Because of the high prevalence of sexual abuse among addicts
and the nature of sharing on a personal level in the 12-step
programs and groups, this is a very real and serious risk.
• To begin buddy sex may just be a symptom of diseased
thinking and could prove very detrimental.
Sex
• Another consideration is the effect of casual sex on self-
esteem.
• Although some believe it is possible to have casual sex with no guilt
or remorse, this is often not the case.
• Casual sex often goes against the morals and values that one was
taught.
• Any time that we behave in a manner that goes against our morals we
experience guilt.
• Guilt can have a detrimental effect on self-esteem.
• Since addiction and promiscuity often go hand in hand,
having casual sex would tap into this addictive behavior.
• Even if an individual was not promiscuous during their
addiction, behaving with an “I-want-what-I-want-when-I-
want-it” attitude promotes addictive behavior.
Relationships
• Many people confuse projections of their ideal mate
onto the person that they desire with having found
their soul mate.
• Another aspect of relationships is the bargaining
process.
• This is not an external event, but an internal one.
• Each person entering a relationship is aware of the attributes
that he or she brings to the table.
• These can include attractiveness, financial security, a quality of
sweetness, intelligence, being a giving person, being attentive,
considerate, good in bed, etc. Knowing what attributes one
brings to the table, the individual wants a comparable partner.
Relationships
• Addicts do not enter recovery with
healthy self-esteem.
• This affects their perception of what
attributes they are bringing to the
relationship bargaining table.
• Another problem that is in line with
this is that during the first year of
recovery, a great deal of growth
should occur.
• This growth raises self-esteem, and
if one entered a relationship early in
recovery, they would now realize
that they can do better.
• Additionally, even if both grow and
both of the partners’ self-esteem
rises, it is likely they will grow apart.
Relationships
• Family dynamics in early childhood also affect what we look
for or are attracted to in a mate.
• Another consideration regarding relationships is the impact of
socialization on what we find attractive.
• Statistically, most people marry within their own race, religion,
socioeconomic status, and culture.
• For those entering addiction recovery, this can be quite an obstacle.
Meeting someone new is exciting, and it is comforting to find someone
who seems to understand you. But for the person in recovery, this often
equates to someone with either substance issues or codependency issues.
• A final consideration in regard to relationships in early
recovery is that those in that stage of recovery rarely know
who they really are and often battle with this concept.
Relationships
•In light of these considerations on the topic of
early recovery and relationships, everyone
considering entering a relationship has reason
for concern. The question “Is it possible this
attraction is due to unconscious complexes or
addictive behavior?” must be asked and
strongly considered.