My Imaginary Part

Prologue
“Someone has the formula. I know it and he-the Pundit- knows it, and
is smiling at it, and the whole world with it. And we have done it. An
ode pious enough.”
Kinetics
-’Let’s go’.
My brother called in one monotone that felt like an order.
-’I don’t go. I move’ came the reply from my mouth spontaneously.
That is exactly what is wrong is with him, was the expression on my
brother’s face and he continued his steps downstairs. I followed him
in the physical realm. Realms of my mind always wandered other
universes. I knew I had been diagnosed with schizophrenia. But I
don’t harm people. I focus on the benefits of it. One of those benefits
is that I see things as a sum of its parts. For example the word
uniVerse is composed of ‘uni’ and ‘verse’ meaning a single statement.
What is that statement and who is delivering that statement and to
whom?
For me it’s always me versus the god. So it is either I move or I am
being moved. Thus, I never go.
The van was waiting. My brother did some talking to the driver and
we all went into the van and then we started the journey.
My brother and I always have been like close friends but with the
limit of the dignity of seniority. He has also been my mentor, and my
teacher and a better father figure than my actual father. We always
cherished our discussions on science and philosophy. He also studies
politics and sometimes discusses it with me which I find rather
boring and uninteresting. The real world problems don’t concern me
much. However I would very much like to understand the mechanics
of how a nation works. Who did what is the least of my concerns.
-’Brother, How much do you believe in free will?’ I slipped the
question that have been lingering in my mind to break the silence in
the air.
-’I believe that I can control movements of my hands on my will’
-’Yeah, that you can do. Let’s call it volition. But what comes before
that?’
-’Neurons firing in my brain to instruct my muscles to act
accordingly’
-’Right. Let’s call it sensation. But what comes before that?’
-’Becoming aware that we are going to do that particular act.’
-’Very true, brother. We will call it perception. Now can you see that
free will is now on a slippery slope? But for now, is there something
else that comes before perception.
-’I guess if perception is being aware of something, an impression
precedes perception. And impression is attention to an object leaving
the background.’
-’Everything above the level of perception is the level of conscious
mind and everything below that is the level of subconscious mind. By
our reasoning it is implied that everything we do arises from our
subconscious mind. So the real question here is: do we control our
subconscious mind?
-’I am inclined to say ‘yes’’. My brother said hesitatingly.
-’Okay. Let’s take another look at this. Bees have very few neurons
compared to us humans. But their behaviour can be studied to give
very useful insight in our understanding our brain. The thing is their
brain are hardwired to do only specific tasks in certain situations.
The same is also true with our brain too. Only the complexity has
increased but it is all an if-then-else statement. Now, we have two
things us, that is our subconscious brain and the surrounding that is
sensations from conscious brain. Rest is self-deduced. If conscious
mind gives a condition then subconscious mind acts accordingly and
gives back to the conscious mind the required feedback.’
-’So you’re saying we act according to our surrounding. That means
when I lifted my hand it was in response to your question and I had
no choice. In the same way you had no choice but to smoke
marijuana and bring infamy to our family.’ his voice was going stiff
now.
The van was speeding past the Patna-Bakhtiyarpur four lane with its
natural humming sound of the engine. After several moments of
silence, the driver felt the awkwardness and started the radio. Mai
duniya bhula dunga teri chahat me...
How appropriate. Anyway. Where was I? I cannot go. How can I? I
can move according to the will of god-that is the path of the universe.
The world is like a game of chess. The pieces follow the rules and it
has been started on auto mode. The universe started with the big-
bang and the particles follow the physical law. Everything formed on
its own without anyone’s will. Stars, planets, cyanobacteria, trees,
apes, humans all formed own its own. How should anybody’s will
matter now? Why are we suddenly so significant? Just because we
are humans and have slightly more developed brain than apes.
-’So according to you all the murderers, rapists and terrorists should
be set free, because it’s not their fault as they had no free will.’ My
brother, still an anger in his voice started the discussion again.
-’Laws of the physics that made the human brain also gave us the
capability to formulate the laws of the men or the laws of the society.
So we are bound to make rules to prohibit such atrocities. So not only
the accused is bound but also the accuser is bound to punish him.’
-’That seems plausible. But tell me something Safar, is it just to
punish somebody?’
-’Well according to Socrates, Justice is a virtue and a virtue must
bring out good in someone. So if we are going to punish someone it
should bring out good in him or it should bring out good in others.’
The van stopped near a clinic and I got off first and then my brother.
The driver stayed in the van. From the board hanging above the door
of the clinic I got the information that the neurologist was an MD
from AIIMS. We went inside and my brother talked to the
receptionist. We were told to wait for our number.
People have problems. I could tell because the waiting room was full.
Most of them were middle aged women and others were youngsters.
I wondered what triggered their brain to malfunction. Domestic
Violence or simply the pressure of socio-economic life. One of my
friends once told me that her aunt was suffering from mental trauma
due to ragging done to her in college.
My brother took some pamphlets on mental illness-dementia,
depression, schizophrenia, OCD- from the counter and started
reading them. I had other things to worry about. One of the other
benefits having a psychotic mind was that I had a vivid imagination.
Spring theory, my latest creation-to keep my mind occupied. In a
sense it was inverse of what string theory and other particle theory
physics had to offer. In other theories matter occupied space, but in
my theory matter is condensed space-and exploded time. So all
beings and non-beings are in fact an aberration in the spacetime
fabric- I call it mayajaal.
Soon enough the receptionist called my name and I came back from
my daydream. ‘You’re next’ he said casually and got back to his
routine.
The doorbell made a quacking sound and we entered the doctor’s
chamber.
Axioms

-’What’s been troubling you, Safar?’ the doctor enquired softly.

-’There seems to be a conspiracy. Looks like everyone out there is

there to get me.’

-’How do you mean?’ he pressed further.

-’Everything is fine when I am alone, But when I go out, I find clues

that they are talking about me. Even the television or the radio are
broadcasting messages meant for me.’

-’Have you been on drugs, Safar?

-’I have been smoking marijuana.’ I knew this question will be asked.
I was prepared to face the question.

-’For how long?’

-’It has been a year since I started. First the frequency was low-once
a month- then it went higher progressively till I started taking it
regularly. But I have not been doing it since I left college.’

-’Anything else?’
-’No, Sir’

-’Stretch your hands.’ I did as he told. That was all the physical
diagnosis he made. Then he turned to my brother and asked.
-’Who are you?’

-’I am his elder brother, unfortunately.’

-’Anything else unusual about him?’

-’Yes! Not unusual but bizarre. He was going to Telangana to accept a

job offer he got. But in the middle of his journey he got off the train
leaving his father alone without any clue. He came back four days
later. We were worried and he told us that we should be happy
because he came back.’
The beans were spilled. So what. I wanted a little freedom in my life.
With everyone teaming against me. I felt choked to death. Especially
my father, he too had to go against me just to teach me a lesson. A
lesson for a lesson. He will never forget that.
The doctor quickly scribbled something on the prescription pad.
“Schizoaffective Psychosis” he wrote on the top of it. He wrote names
of some medicines and at the bottom of it the final verdict “to be
hospitalised immediately”. He tore the prescription off the pad and
handed it over to me.
I couldn’t take my eyes off that last line. Was I really going to a
mental hospital? I was now officially declared a mad man. Now was
the time to run. But where. Now was time not to run. Maybe they will
cure me. Maybe then my demons will go away. We came out of the
doctor’s chamber and sat into the van. This time my brother took the
front seat and started instructing the driver finding his way to the
mental hospital. I was comfortably numb in the backseat. Spring
theory failed to entertain me. I tried to think about Atish, but she
hadn’t been a joy bringer for quite a while. Especially after the whole
conspiracy thing, she being the mastermind.
The problem with physics is that it doesn’t cater to my feelings.
That’s why I have theory on spiritualism based on Hinduism.
Though they have corrupted the theology I have tried to perfect it.
Because as I said it's my gift to see through the concrete and find the
abstract. Feelings are current in our stream of consciousness.
Feeling are induced and are not conducted, since we are isolated
from the surrounding-only time we are not are when we are in our
mother’s womb, conduction happens then. Induction should thus,
then follow Faraday’s law of electromagnetic Induction. Potential or
emotion is directly proportional to change in flux of material and
wisdom. The more we are resistant to this change the less we feel.
What was I feeling? Well I was numb. Like those numbers in
mathematics which have done all the gaining and losing they have to
and were static and content. I have found love and then lost it. I
found wealth and lost it too. Finding knowledge is my purpose and I
am on my way to it till death do us part?
“Hitaishi Happiness Home” read the sign on the billboard. I had
reached my destination.
Expression is the work done into the surrounding. Nothing was on
my face.

-’Let’s go’ said my brother.

I didn’t say a word this time. I moved inside the gate which was
closed before me. We didn’t even say goodbyes.
Asymptote
-’Hi! Safar.’ she smiled at me.
That smiling face made me forget everything. All the pain in the
world was gone in that instant. She was bright as ever. I noticed her
earrings suspending freely on her right ear. It had tiny blue feathers.
Her left face was shrouded with her not so long hair. She donned a
light blue top and a rugged blue jeans. She had brought her scooty
and was casually leaning on it.

-’Hey! Atish’. I replied back after a pause. I was perplexed to see her.
I watched my back. It was same spot my brother left me at.

-’What’s you thinking buddy. Let’s move’. She rode her scooty and
shook her head hinting me to ride.
I took the backseat as always. The smell of her hair reminisced me of
the college days.

-’Where to’. I put my hand on her right shoulders gently.

-’Towards the stars’. She started her scooty and it came back to life.
Patna was her home and she knew where she was going. I just
enjoyed the ride.
Feeling are induced. And when two solenoids are closely placed
together law of mutual induction works provided the core of their
hearts are connected. We could feel each other’s passing emotions.
Nothing is needed to be said. We were, happy. She glided past the
traffic. The sun was about to set and the city lights were gleaming on
the highways.

She crossed one intersection then another, I had no idea where we

were in the city. She maneuvered inside a campus that said “Indira
Gandhi Planetarium”. She parked her scooty and we ran for the
ticket counter. We were just in time for the last show for the day.
She paid for the ticket. I always let her pay the bills if she wanted to.
She took a pride in that. It made her happy and me too. But today I
had no choice either. We went inside. The show was about to start.

‘The universe started 13.8 billion years ago. All the matter and
energy in the universe was concentrated into a very hot dense
singularity which exploded very quickly-hence the name Big Bang.
After this initial expansion, the universe cooled sufficiently for the
formation of subatomic particles and then atoms. From the cloud of
these atoms gravity coalesced them to form stars and galaxies...’

-’Atish, do you believe this is true?’ I whispered into her ear.

-’what?’

-’That universe started with something. If anything should start it

should start with zero with nothing in it. Shouldn’t it?’

-’Yes, but the Big Bang is the most prevailing cosmological model of
how the universe started. The data from the cosmological
microwave background supports it and I believe it.’
-’No, I am just saying that there has been several bangs before the
Big Bang, each occurring progressively shorter than the previous
one and having smaller mass than the previous one. Till it reached
an infinitesimal mass having infinitesimal vol-time...’
Her ear turned into a galaxy. My voice was pulled along with me into
the black hole of her ear canal. All the sounds around me now were
merged into one buzzing cosmic background radiation.
-’Safar, Safar...Safar. Wake up, man.’ A voice pulled me out. ‘It’s time
for dinner.’
-’Hi! I am Rohan, your roommate. The attendant told me to wake you
up.’ he continued.

-’How long have I been sleeping’

-’It’s been a day. You were injected with tranquilizer’

-’Yeah, I remember that, when I came in my purse, mobile, belt etc.
were confiscated and then I was sent into this room, I saw you and
then the injection. I remember nothing after that.’
Perimeter
Experience has been my drugs or someone would say drugs was my
experiment. But today a rehab had become my perimeter. Inside the
closed gate were four patient wards of varying size and a hall. In one
of the wards were Rohan and I. When I came back after having
dinner, Rohan was watching MTV Beats. Pyaar mangaaa hai
tumhiiiiiiii se...
I said ‘Hey’, but he was in deep thought. I sat beside him and listened
to the song. When the song ended I poked again.
-‘What’s up, bro! Are you in love too?’
Rohan was the kind of guy that made me jealous. Angular
cheekbones, nice mane of hair, dark eyes, thin lips. He was an alpha.
By the looks of him I guessed he has had many girlfriends. But he was
serious now.
-’Who isn’t?’ -’You see Love is like gravity, it warps the field of
supreme consciousness.’ he continued.
‘Ever wondered why Gopis were attracted to Krishna while they
knew he loved Radha. Because His love was so great his
consciousness formed a sort of black hole and every other conscious
being fell in love with him-leave the antimatter aloof. That’s why we
get attached to heroes. So, everybody is falling freely in love.’
-’Some heavy thoughts there, bro! By the way, we never met
properly. I am Safar, Bachelor of Technology in Civil Engineering’
-’So you guys built the universe.’ He winked.
-‘I am Rohan, Master of Science in Physics’.
-’And you guys will try but never will find how I built the, universe’ I
winked too.

-’So, what are you in for?’

-’weed’

-’same here, man.’

-’How long has it been?’

-’A week.’

-’What do they do in here?’

-’Nothing man. Yoga in the morning. Then there is a class on

PsychoLogy. And in the evening there is entertainment class where
we play musical chairs, Antakshari and other stupid games. In
between we eat and sleep or watch TV.’
One of the attendants knocked on the door and came inside.
-’Meet Ajnabee Bhaiyya’, Rohan introduced the attendant to me.
-’Is that your real name, Ajnabee?’ I asked him again.
-’Yes. Time for medicine’.
He then changed the channel on the TV to a Bhojpuri song. We went
for the medicine. It was a long line. There were about twenty patients
in the rehab. Each were living in their own plane. One, of them was
bound to the pillar. Suddenly the grim of the place struck me. Rohan
and I joined the line.
Unturbed
Next morning we were woken up at 6 O'clock. I hated to wake up so
early especially when it was December and the cosiness of the
comforter made me sleep like a baby. Also the medicines were
working its way in my body making me lazy. At least they had
geyser in the bathroom. I did my morning routine and took a bath.
None of the bathrooms in the rehab had any locks, lest anyone would
lock themselves inside and do nasty things. There were CCTV
cameras in every room, so we were being monitored down there. At
7 O’clock the Yoga mam came with her Bluetooth speaker. She had
her own playlist which she used to play during the yoga. It calmed us
down. Then we had breakfast at 9 O’clock. Food was luxury outside.
It was a necessity inside. I don’t even remember the last time I was so
hungry. I remembered home but then I discarded the idea got on
with the shitty food. I was angry too. At 10 O’clock we had class.
One of the counsellor mams came. She was pretty and later I found
that everybody in the centre had a crush on her. Her name,
Aradhana.
-’Good morning! Everybody’, she continued.
‘Where is the thought copy?’
As was the custom here everyone had to write a thought of the day.
The copy was being circulated. It came to me and I wrote-”Axioms
can’t be proved it can be seen only”. Rohan was sitting next to me. I
peeked when he wrote- “Live life like there is no tomorrow”. When
everybody wrote she checked it and put it on the table. I was hoping
she would demand some kind of explanation from us, but I guess it
was just a psychoanalysis tool. She stood up and wrote on the board-
”Thought Disturbance”.
-’A thought has both form and content. Any abnormality in these is
called “thought disturbance”.
The most common thought form disturbance are: flight of ideas,
Derailment, incoherence, illogicality, loose associations etc.
Most common thought content disturbance are: delusions,
derealisation, depersonalization, intrusive thoughts etc.
‘Flight of ideas as the name suggests is when you get one idea after
another, never stopping on one. Derailment is when you can’t
continue on one thought. Incoherence is when response to a
question is absolute gibberish.
Illogicality is when conclusions are reached without any logic.
Loose associations are when a series of ideas are presented with
loosely apparent meaning.
‘Derealisation is when one starts to think the world is not real and
depersonalization is when one starts to think he/she himself/herself
is not real.
Intrusive thoughts are unwelcome involuntary thoughts that can
become obsession and may be depressive and difficult to eliminate.
‘Now we come to delusion. It is very different from illusion in that it
is not a misleading sense perception. It is an abnormality deep
seated in our brain function. A delusion is a mistaken belief that is
taken with strong conviction even with the presence of superior
evidence that suggests otherwise. There are several types of
delusions.
Delusion of control in which the person thinks he/she is being
controlled by an alien force.
Delusion of persecution in which the person thinks he/she is being
followed and everyone out there is there to get to him/her and kill
him/her.
Delusion of love in which he/she thinks the other person loves
her/him.
Delusion of reference in which the person thinks insignificant
remarks around him/her is about him/her. Delusion of Grandiosity
in which he/she thinks that he/she is chosen by god.’
A brisk laugh came out of me. Suddenly everyone was looking at me.
-’What happened?’ mam asked clearly annoyed. I stood up.
-’So you are saying Jesus and all the prophets were deluded? Because
pardon me, all the symptoms match.’
-’Science doesn’t believe in religion’, she had a hard answer.
-‘Anything else on thought disturbance?’
-’Yes shouldn’t we call it thought turbulence since the root word
“turb” here means non-laminar and adding “dis” to it should make it
laminar. For example the word disorder makes the opposite of
order.’
-’What’s your name?’
-’Safar, mam.’
-’and you have?’
-’Psychosis, mam.’
-’That’s why. Now sit down.’
-’Way to go, man’ Rohan whispered in my ears. ‘Show them who you
are and they will never let you go.’ The class ended with few other
discussions. But I was silent for the rest of the class. After that class I
had become famous in between those people
Duality
We were back in our room.
-’Do you really think science and religion are opposites?’ I poked
Rohan.
-’The universe is matter and consciousness. While matter interacts
with each other through transfer of bosons, consciousness interacts
with each other through transfer of information. The physics we
study focuses on the matter part of the universe while the
consciousness part remains a mystery. Religious theology tries to
solve this but....’

-’But it has since been corrupted.’ I interrupted.

-’But it has since been corrupted by people who wanted power.’

-’What’s the solution then?’

-’Love is a connection that is one to one. God is a connection that is

many to one. We want a connection that should be many to many.
But that would require a theory of everything which everybody
agrees upon. That would bring universal peace. Maybe.’

-’What do you think, are particles conscious about themselves?’

-’I know I am conscious. I can deduce that you are conscious by

analogy because you are human too. Is a cow or a bird conscious
about themselves, they might be because they too have brains as we
do. Is a bacteria or a virus conscious, I have no way to tell. And you
are asking about particles. How would anybody know that?’
-’I have a theory.’

-’Tell me.’

-’It’s based on quantum gravity. The remarkable addition that I have

done is that time is also three dimensional and is dual to the space
dimensions. That is for every point in space there is a point in time.
Both the space and the time fabric is composed of tetrahedron
crystals of the size of Planck’s length and Planck’s time respectively.
These crystals are not static-as these would make no sense-but
elastic. Presence of mass at any point in spacetime creates a
contraction in space and a bulge in time which is distributed
normally across the universe. Similarly a charge, color or weak
charge creates a twist in the spacetime fabric which spreads
throughout the universe as a normal distribution. If and when
another particle enters the universe it senses the non-uniformity of
the tetrahedron crystals in its proximity and acts accordingly so as to
ease the total strain energy stored in spacetime fabric. So in a way
the deformation caused in spacetime fabric due to the presence of
particles is a way of telling-I am there. Information is being
communicated. There can be other kind of information such as-I
have charge or I have color or I am alive!’

-’Warping of spacetime happens in theory of general relativity.

What’s new in your theory?’
-’Well first, it is quantised. Second it includes shearing of spacetime
which caters for electromagnetism, strong and weak forces.’
-’Don't you think three dimensions of time is a bit counter intuitive.’
-’Time is imaginary, that’s why it has slipped our intuition and we
have been clubbing it as one single dimension. Since time ticks at
different pace at different positions in space, it hints that time is an
inherent dual to space. Together they form 3-complex manifold. The
negative curvature of time balances the positive curvature of space
resulting in zero observed curvature. Also, this complete model
automatically introduces strong and weak forces along with
electromagnetic force which was not possible with one dimension of
time which only introduced electromagnetic force.’
-’How?’
-’Space compression and time extension is gravity, that has been well
popularised by Einstein. Soon after Einstein published his General
Relativity paper, Weyl and his contemporaries considered torsion of
spacetime to come up with a unified theory. Their problem was that
they were stuck with one dimension of time so they only explained
electromagnetism to only slight extent. I have bifurcated time. So
shearing of time with respect to time gives strong force, shearing of
space with respect to space gives weak force and shearing of time
with respect to space gives electromagnetic force.’
-’Nice hypothesis! But a theory should predict something.’
-’Given the amount of charge, color charge and weak charge I should
be able to derive the mass of individual particles.’
-’You keep saying weak charge, but there is no such thing as weak
charge there is just weak interaction and mass of particles are given
by higgs field.’
-’Quantum Field Theory or String theory are different perspective on
the reality and not the reality. You see Higgs field is an explanation of
the fact that twisting of spacetime by the particle makes it harder to
move in it thus granting it higher mass. Coming to the weak charge,
there is my problem, strong force and weak force have not yet been
quantified like the electromagnetic force. That’s where my math is
stuck. Unless I clear it, it's just a hypothesis and I need help.’
-’Okay, how do you propose to calculate the mass of particles?’
-’That’s simple. I will integrate the strain energy around a particle
limiting to all the universe and equate it to the famous mc-squared.
You see, the energy of the particle is actually the energy stored in the
springs of spacetime.’
-’You said time ticks at different pace at different positions in space.
How and what is time?’
-’Time ticks at different pace at different positions in space due to the
heterogeneity caused by presence of particles.
Time is an illusion created by change. If nothing changes, not even
the neurons in your brain fire, no electrons move neither quarks
vibrate anywhere in the universe, there is no time. But nothing is
standstill,
Every darn thing is moving. At Planck’s level every particle senses its
surrounding and makes the longest possible jump in the shortest
possible time. That is the tick of time at that position. That way one
never makes a jump larger than Planck’s length in a time shorter
than Planck’s time. Thus one never exceeds speed of light.’
-’Elegant!’
Mechanics
At 4 O’clock we had entertainment class. We gathered in the hall. One
of the counsellor mams-there were five- came to coordinate the
game. We played a stupid game called- find your slippers. Basically
all the slippers were jumbled in the middle and the player was
blindfolded. He had to find his own slippers just by sensation from
his feet. I had no difficulty in finding my dotted slippers. After the
game Rohan and I were sitting in the hall watching television. Just
then another patient walked in.

-‘“Sex, Power, Money”, “Sex, Power, Money” he kept on blabbering.

Ajnabee Bhaiyya came after him and confiscated his belongings.

-’What happened to him’, Rohan asked Ajnabee. They were friends

now.

-’His friends gave him LSD, he couldn’t handle’, Ajnabee answered

with a chuckle.
-”Sex, Power, Money” he blabbered again now pointing his index
finger at me as he was professing a deep truth about the world.’
-’You forgot “Knowledge”, my friend.’ I replied.
He broke into a loud laughter as if he understood and then he
continued
-”Sex, Power, and Money”.
Ajnabee Bhaiyya took him by his arm and showed his way to his
dorm. We met again at the dinner table. He was stable now. He told
me that his name was Ravi and he studied philosophy. I told him
about his blabber. He said he didn't remember.
Next morning we had the same drill. Only in the afternoon, we got
some leisure time. Today I went to Ravi’s dorm. He smiled at me.
-’Hi!’ I smiled back at him.
-’For the love of Sophie.’ he held his fist for a bump.
-’For the love of Sophie.’ I bumped his fist. ‘What else?’
-’Everything, dear! Everything.’
-’What do you think, when you get high?’
-’You see, Socrates was right when he said this world is not real. You
can’t trust your sense perception. The reality is mathematical in
nature. We are but a simulation.’
-’And how does consciousness arises in this simulation?’
-’There are four elements-Techne, Health, Wealth and Wisdom. A
decrease, constancy or increase in these is an information. Thus
there are twelve states of consciousness. But only gods are pure
forms of these elements. We mortals are interference patterns
formed in a four sided pool of water, each side vibrating in their
own frequency. So we’ve got each type of vibration, but there is one
dominant fundamental vibration in each of us. We got to enrich that.
Everything else is an error. For example, a man proficient in techne
must utilise his health, wealth and wisdom for the betterment of his
techne and so on.’
-’How do we do that? How do we know who we are?’
-’That should be the job of the education system. An improved
Ramrajya-where mothers get to keep their child- is what we need.
Not giving us what we need is injustice. For example a person who is
a technician and giving him a knowledge in economics more than he
needs it, is an error and unjust. A warrior certainly doesn’t need
much of a knowledge of economics or technology, he needs to focus
on his health.’
-’But nowadays the jobs are complex and needs varied areas of
expertise. How do you accommodate that?’
-’Yes the number of elements have changed but the number of
blocks have remained the same. Doctors, engineers, craftsmen,
musicians, artists are all technicians, expert in their techne. Police,
army, military are all warriors, engaged in protecting their territory.
Businessmen, managers, administrators are all economists, engaged
in circulation of money and resources. Professors, teachers,
scientists are all devoted to the development of knowledge. The only
ones that are out of category are the politicians. You see they are
metademos-above people-because how can an equal rule an equal.
The question is who should be in power-a technician, an economist,
a warrior or a philosopher. Socrates argues that a king should be a
philosopher.’
-’That’s why you chose to study philosophy.’ I winked at him.
He chuckled.
Waves
-’Today, we will learn about bipolar disorder’. Aradhana mam was
looking fab. No wonder everyone in the rehab was in love with her.
-’A normal person experiences happiness and sadness one after
another in a limited range.’ She continued. ‘The crest and trough are
not so high or shallow. But a person with bipolar disorder-also
called manic depression- experiences highs and lows in quantity
that is severe and lasts longer. Some patients may even get suicidal.
Good news is that it can be treated.’’

-‘May I interject, mam?’ Rohan intervened.

-’Yes, Rohan, You can.

-’To me it seems like the whole matter depends on the inertia of the
consciousness of the person. Higher the mass shorter the waves and
lower the mass larger the waves. Some are alpha, some are beta
while others are gamma. It's simple physics.’
-’None of your physics here, Mr Physicist. Where matter and
antimatter annihilate each other and everybody is happy with
photons. We are talking about humans. We should care about each
other.’
-’During the manic phase the person behaves unusually happy,
energetic or irritable. While during depression phase the person may
cry, have a negative outlook and have poor eye contact with others.’
Mam continued on with her lecture.
-’There may be environmental and genetic causes to bipolar
disorder. About 85% of risk is attributed to genetics. Environmental
risk factors includes history of childhood abuse and long-term
stress.’
‘Now, have you all understood bipolar disorder?’
-‘Yes, MAM.’ We replied in unison.
-‘So, who here thinks has bipolar disorder?’
Some of the mates held their hand up. Rohan was one of them.
Rest of the day was usually monotonous. During the entertainment
class Rohan was called downstairs. When he came back after the
class, He was really sad. If you ask me he could barely hold his tears
in his eyes.
-’Bro! What happened?’
-’Nothing, Man! My parents came to visit me. They didn’t take me
home. Those counsellors, I don’t know what they feed in the ears of
my parents. I don’t know how many more days will I have to live in
this hellhole. Nobody loves me.’
-’Why do I meet falling stars, always.’ I murmured.
-’What!’
-’Nothing.’
Electricity
-’We will go with the speed of light’

Reluctant at my first request she had now accepted the proposal.

Now, that we were going with the speed of light. Wondering what
would that be like. It took me four long or rather short years to ask
her for a date. I still remember the first day of the college when I was
the first to arrive at the first class. She came next-my imaginary part.
I thought could she be the one. We never talked. We were separated
for one year in different batches. The next year we were confined in
our department but were separated by a difference of seven
numbers in the roll. As a result, we never made group members. I
saw her from a distance. In the third year, once she came and sat by
the side of me. It seemed to me as if the world stopped spinning.
Peace was found. The professor gave a problem to the class. She
started solving and asked me if she got the right answer. I was
perplexed-had no idea what she was talking or what the professor
meant. The penultimate semester was happening. We came closer.
Perhaps news flew to her ears about me, and she would call me to
the library to study together.
One day during our studies I remarked that exponential decrease is
actually circular in complex plane. And she told me that she already
knew it. I have since wondered how much did she knew-did she
knew everything and pretended to not know. That would hurt me
because I really like to teach.
Today morning was a test of soil dynamics but yesterday I simply
couldn’t study-what’s the point? I didn’t appear rather after the test,
called Atish on her mobile and had the courage to ask for a coffee.

-’In my pursuit of finding reality, I found you and I am not so sure if

you are the destination or the path, I am fond of. But I have this
weird feeling that I have known you since eternity and you have
always with me this whole time in different forms. It’s like I have
found a passage to the reality, looking into your eyes. Deep down in
your eyes kindles the light I have been searching for.’

-’That’s a lot to digest. But I’ll try. You know we don’t even know
each other that well.’

-’That’s up to you.

-’Snape or James.’

-Oh! You like Harry Potter. What’s your favourite part? -’The one
with the philosopher’s stone. I like the concept-final truth comes to
those who wants to know it and not to use it.’

-’Hmm! I like the idea of horcruxes and also my inference that

Voldemort is actually a lost love-d mort love.’

-Very interesting inference, there. Which TV series do you like?

-’Game of thrones. I like Tyrion Lannister.’

-’I like Arya Stark.’

I finished my coffee soon enough that she finished her strawberry
shake. We were now going to go apart. She to her hostel and I to
mine. I wanted to accompany her to her hostel, so I asked her. She
refused once.
Uncertainty

-‘Today we will learn about hallucinations.’ Aradhana mam was

looking bright as ever.
-’You have already been told about illusion and delusion. While
illusion is perfectly normal a delusion as a serious mental condition.
In an illusion an external stimuli is present and our mind interprets
it mistakenly, but in hallucination no external stimuli is present still
our mind perceives something.
-’There are five senses and respectively we have five kinds of
hallucinations-visual, auditory, olfactory, gustatory and tactile for
seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting or feeling things that are not there
respectively.

-’Mam, if I wanted to see things, I can’t see with open eyes. What
should I do then?’ This time Ravi interjected and was smiling very
dimly at mam.

-’No practical. Life is precious-you get only one. So tread carefully.’

-’Causes of hallucinations may be substance abuse, schizophrenia,
tumours in your brain, migraine, epilepsy and dementia.’ She went
on with the class.

-’What was your Master’s thesis on?’ I enquired. Rohan and I were
back in our room. And we continued our precious discussions.
His mood was recovering from his periodic depression.
-’Quantum entanglement.’ His answer was quite short.

-’Nice, so you must believe in quantum mechanics and its

uncertainties?’

-’Yes, why?’

-’So no free will and non-determinism must follow?’

-’Of Course.’

-’Ha! I will prove you wrong.’

-’You would?’
-’You know, when a system is oriented in one direction during an
experiment, the subsequent observations give the same orientation.
The system would have had free will if in any of the subsequent
observations the orientation would change on its own. Only the
confused ones show non deterministic behaviour-ignore them, they
sum to zero. The ones who know who they are and their
surrounding has no free will and their actions can be determined.’

-’But Quantum Entanglement is a real thing.’

-’There should be an explanation in my Spring Theory since it

combines all the goodness of general relativity and the quanta of
quantum mechanics. There is no uncertainty in my theory as we can
always calculate variance, skewness or kurtosis for mass,
momentum, or acceleration respectively for a given distortion of
spacetime. But how does all that explain the matters of
entanglement?
Ajnabee Bhaiyya came in. -‘Safar, you have been called downstairs,
now.’ He said it as if it was very amusing to him.
It had been five days and this was first time I was called downstairs.
I wondered what magic wand they had to treat me. The medicines
they were feeding me had started working. I felt frightened and
depressed and slept all day. Ideas stopped coming to my mind.
Ajnabee accompanied me to the downstairs. There were two locked
doors that had to be opened and then closed behind to get to the
counsellor’s chambers. Aradhana mam was my counsellor. I was
happy for a moment.

-’What do you want to prove?’ She asked in a rather harsh voice.

I wanted to say Spring Theory. But how did she know? Had Rohan
been a snitch? Or did she know about Atish? I also wanted to prove
my true love.
-’Nothing.’ I replied.

-’I know all about you. What is the deal between you and your
father?’
Oh! That. Huh. She got the root.
-’Nothing.’ I replied again.

-’Why did you leave the job?’

-’Because I want to be a professor.’
-’You could have talked about it. There was no need to run away like
that. What if something could have happened to you, Safar? This is
no way.’
-’What could I have done. Nobody listens to me. What I need is
nobody’s concern. Everybody tensed about what I should want.
-’Your parents are on phone. Do you want to talk?
-’No.’ I replied. She picked up the phone and talked to somebody
and then put it down.
-’Okay, Safar. I have a job for you. I want you to write about you
and your father. Write at least five good points about him.’
Charge
The sun had set in our village and we were in our courtyard. I had
two brothers-one elder, other younger- and a sister-youngest. I was
in upper kindergarten, my younger brother was in lower. Our father
was teaching us Hindi alphabet. I had been reading that for years and
was bored. My father told me to recite it again. I refused and was
silent. Younger brother intervened and recited it. My father thought I
had forgotten the alphabets and was angry and asked me again. I
refused again-let’s see what happens.

-’Jee! Get me a stick.’ He bawled into the house. Mother was cooking.
She came with a stick. Father quickly took it from her. And then the
beating started.
If you ask me what is the greatest favour you father has done for you-
he has done all of it, almost. I would say that he taught me the five
properties of a vidyarthi- Greeham tyagi, kaav chesta, bako dhyanam,
swan nindra, alpa ahari.
We came to town leaving our village. Second best thing he did was
that he hired a physics tutor for us who also taught very good
mathematics. Third best thing he did, and this is my favourite is that
he gave me his radio- an analog Philips device. One day I broke it by
accident. Since that day I have wanted to fix it. But I couldn’t
understand how could a piece of iron enveloped in a solenoid of
copper talk to each other through thin air? What does wafers of
aluminium wrapped around papers do? Why do batteries discharge?
I was fascinated with magnets. We had a black and white TV which
had only one channel-DD National. But our neighbour had dish
whose cable passed by the ventilator of our house. One day I took the
loud speaker of the broken radio, connected its wire to the antenna
wire of my TV and placed on the ventilator. Changing flux. That,
changed everything. More channels. MTV. Songs all day. Life was
good. There were other days, I would open my TV, CD player,
stabiliser or inverter to repair minor problems.
We had two inverter batteries which had to be connected in series
when either was discharged enough due to long power cut in the
town. One day while doing the connection I short circuited the
battery wires and one of batteries bursted. Father was there
supervising.
I thought he would be worried, I broke his precious battery. But he
had totally lost it, and was worried about me instead. I was safe. That
day I thought he really cares about me.
But the mother has real knowledge. She knows things- intentions of
people- I could never figure. She used to tell me tales. Tales of a tiger
and the jackal, the golden bird or the prince. But real life is like the
tale of the Duckess.
The Duckess had a fight with the Duck, so she left home. She went to
the Herons. They told her they will feed her fishes and provide a bed
of fish bones. She lived there for a while. Then she went to the
Pigeons, hoping they too look like her but lived a better life. They
told her they will feed you fruits and provide a bed of leaves. But she,
she felt cold between them. So she went to the Rats, hoping they
lived happily. They told her that they will feed her grains, give you a
bed of warm earth and comfort with straws. She started living there.
One day after an evening stroll when she came back she found that
the Rat was burning in the oven. She wept on his death. Cried too. I
have since wondered may be lit a rat and you get literature and lab a
rat and you get a laboratory.
Photon
IMAGINE

The electric fields generated by one positive charge and one

negative charge placed alongside each other...

On that negatively charged sphere lived a photon. That photon was

much contended .Everyday, just before the dawn it sat on its very
ground thinking everything is fine. Then, with a smile on its face it
would lie on that surface. One very fine morning, it woke up and it
just knew that it didn’t belonged there. It had to go find its destiny
which it knew is waiting for it. It was time that it left what it
BELIEVED was its own surface. An unknown force had been keeping
it on that surface. It had always felt helpless, but not today. Not
knowing from where but, today it just knew that it had that potential
to let go. It then gathered all its potential and transformed it into
kinetic energy and left the surface.

Now, IMAGINE
A particular electric field line which is not congruent to the line
joining the centres of the two charges. It began its journey one of
those lines. It was full of enthusiasm. It felt a different kind of energy
out there. An energy it never felt before. That energy gave it the
HOPE that it will find its destiny. Everything seemed possible now. It
is now closer to that zenith point. It is now slower than it had been at
the start of the journey. With a little of hope left in it, it was able to
reach that point just before that celestial point.
A FEAR flashed into its body. Now it has come too far from its home
and its destiny is still farther. That fear was overwhelming on it. It
just stopped there. It’s been a long time since it has moved from that
position. That illusionary field of fear has held it tightly. Frozen
there, it thought of all the decisions it made, sorted them as GOOD
and BAD. It remembered that dream it dreamt the night before that
morning. In that dream everything was just possible beyond the
boundaries of time and space. And on that very morning, that dream
seemed real to it. But today, everything that was real to it has
diminished. Everything that it stood on is gone.
NOW has come. The hero inside of it is born. It is time for the last
burst of fire. It is time that it took the Leap of FAITH. It closes its eyes
once again. Once again, it goes into that dream and it takes the one
last step that it had to. And once again he goes into that surface he
dreamt of. The merge was phenomenal.

It finds itself.

-’I wrote you a poem.’ During one of our studies in the library I
tried to slip her a poem, I wrote the last night. She took it and gave
it a read smiling throughout.
-’What’s this, kama-sutra? She was playful.

-’You know things nobody knows. By the way, its electrostatic

attraction.’
Corrugations
Rohan was now reading Bhagvad Geeta, his counsellor gave him
when he asked something to read.

-’ You know, I for one studied Bhagvad Geeta after matriculation. It's
actually a story about corruption. Dur.yo.dhan is the epitome of
corruption. To have an eye on someone else's wealth is corruption.
When I read structure of atom in the intermediate, things became
very clear. An electron is contended in its own corrugation, but to
get to the next corrugation-closer to nucleus-it has to eject its
photons. It's also a story of conflict between Shakuni believing in
quantum mechanics-playing dice-and all-knowing Krishna-
determinism.’
This time I had invited Ravi to our room, since his was congested.
-’What is corruption, according to you?’ I asked Ravi.
-’When you don’t have the potential to face the heat you bribe and
get to a safe zone-somewhere where colder.’
-’That is a quite in an opposite direction of what Safar suggested.’
Rohan was listening to all this and intervened.
-’Recheck the polarity and think again, it’s all good.’ I replied. I was
enjoying this.
-’You seem to favour it, because without it there will be no light.’
Rohan gave an opinion after a good thought.
-’Only an excited electron can do that and it’s a one way street. The
other way is endothermic and if it continues- winter is coming.’ I had
the answer.
-’Yes, there is the answer, I have been pondering over for quite a
while.’ Ravi introduced.
-’But. How? How will we do it?’ Ravi enquired again.
-‘Photoelectric effect.’ Rohan jumped out of his bed.
-‘PhotoSynThesis and there will be enough for everyone!’ I smiled at
Rohan. He was smiling back.
- ‘Yes!!!’ Ravi made a fist bump again. I did the same. Rohan didn’t
and made a “what!!” face. I made a “Yeah, he does that” face.
-’But, how will we excite people in the first place? Where is the
source? Where is the sun?’ Ravi came back to reality after a while.
-’Mind is the source of everything. Labour is the way to do it.’
Infinite Loop
[Death, Birth}
{Birth, Death}
Which is it? There is a full stop in between somewhere. It must be
love. But what is a point? It must contain some void. But. Then how
is that void stable. Square root spaces? That is the answer.
Monocotyledons. Dicotyledons. Half integer spin, full integer spin.
Apples, oranges. A seed? Aha!!
But I think I jumped from 0-sphere to 2-sphere. Where goes the
elusive 1-sphere?
Oh! They are inside of course. In bundles- strength in unity. That
makes three. Where is the fourth? It’s Time. It is complex and
contains the dual of the three. 4-Sphere. I wonder what that would
be like.
Like a conscious mind. Of course!
Does the ends will ever meet? It does not.
Engineering, it's a lie.
We are complete. Fourier series!!!
The Exponent. I am the seed.

All of them were here. Mother and sister were about to cry any
moment, there. Father angry. Brothers were pointless. So much
drama.

-’How could you do this to us?’ Father put his problem over to me.
-’What? I did nothing to nobody.’
-’Have you no responsibility? You still have to repay your education
loan. There is a young unmarried sister. At Least think about her.
What will the society say?’
-’You want me to pay for the dowry? And I couldn't care less for the
society.’
-’No, you silly I don't want you to pay for the dowry. I am still alive.
Who will want to marry her when they know that her brother is a
drug addict?
-’What should I do then, kill myself?’ My temper was increasing with
his.
-’What are you talking? You need treatment.’ Father then turned to
the counsellor and said-’Take as long as it takes, hand him over when
he is treated.’

As long as it takes! What will I do in this hell hole for that long? I
should have my books. They never betray me. Always the truth in
them. Unlike this world.
-’Father, next time you are here, please bring me a book. I get bored
here.’

-’Which one?’

-’Visual Complex Analysis by Tristan Needham, it's in the top shelf of

the almira in my room.’
Multiverse
I was in awe with the college. So many people-I wonder, what they
are after. It was a university in itself. My college. Then will be
colleagues. I wondered what they will be they after, then?

Atish. A name like a falling star!!! She was becoming famous.

Stardom! Maybe that’s she’s after.

How does one get there? I often wondered watching the night sky. In
the summer vacations we went to our home, in our village. We often
slept on the roof. Often the hustling of winds would wake me up at
night, and I would then fear to sleep after hours till there was light on
the horizon.

-’Now, let’s just say that I have spoken to you how much I love you
and what you mean to me. Then there can be three possibilities:-
1. Covalence - the condition when you too love me. If this is the
case then I believe there is nothing more important in this world.
When we will be together this world will be ours. But, I fear the
very possibility of an ideal.
2. Resonance - the situation when we agree to be with each other
for some time. This might be good solution of course. But it will
give us even more pain when we part with each other.
3. Dissonance- the complete disaster when whole of my world
gets destroyed. The condition when you will just start hating me.
This may be a good way to go. To end this pain all at once and for
all. But then I guess there will be nothing in this world to live for.
-’How are you so sure, I am your dual.’
-’I am time and you are space. My geometry is Seifert-Weber's
dodecahedral and yours Poincare dodecahedral. We started with
one tetrahedral block of side Planck’s time and Planck’s length
respectively. As we gained inertia time elongated and space
contracted till they couldn’t. Then there was a bang and we had
more time and more space. There were more thereafter. After each
explosion particles formed, some became stable due to torsion of
spacetime. ’
-’How will you ever prove that, Safar! You got a D in mathematics.’
-’I will have to change perspectives, then.’

I did many things in my college. All alone! All half full. Taekwondo,
NCC, Yoga, Photography, Design, Programming, English grammar,
Sanskrit, physics, mathematics, chemistry, electronics, electrical,
civil, positive psychology, pathopsychology, economics, ecology,
statics, mechanics, bio mechanics- the incredible machine.

Atish was there! There were others in our department. There

were many in other department. Galaxies over galaxy. Stars,
planets, Black holes, satellites.

Problems were everywhere. We called it load. We the civilians had

the answer. We had a saying:
“You hold the middle, I will be around the corners.” said the
cantilever to the simply supported.
But I always wondered how other departments held the load. May
be they are finally not after something. They have to hold the load.
May be the load of humanity.
Statics
-’Either be flexible or be rigid, if you don’t want to break in this
world.’ The professor professed.
-’What if we have to hold something in shear?’ I inquisited.
-’We are surrounded from all sides.’
-Ha! No we are not. A chuckle came out of me. The whole class was
like “What, are you doing man.”

That was the first class. In one of his classes he told us that the only
thing you will remember from this class is that how do the tensile
spokes of a bicycle hold the compressed rim. I now think it as a
cross section of an orange-growing under hydrostatic pressure.

-’But shear might explain Electromagnetism, Strong force and Weak

force together with Gravity.’ I was drifting away.
-’But we are here to understand Truss, Safar. How will we ever do
that? Tomorrow morning is the exam.’
Anyway I made them understand the previous year problems. They
were happy with it. But, what is a concept? On that note, what is an
inception? My favourite quest- What is an influence line diagram?
The answer is convoluted.
My other half has other quests. Dark ones. What is the elastic limit
of anybody? When does somebody yield? Failure theory! Some
failed in tension/compression, others in shear. Coulomb knew!
-’Is spacetime breakable?’ I asked Rohan.
-’Certainly not in Einstein’s theory because it's flexible.’
-’What about your quantum theory?’
-’In that it should break like Lego bricks because it's rigid.’
-’Not, if the Lego bricks could expand or contract.’
Buckling
Tension, compression or shear are real problems. Buckling, is the
result of the imaginary part of compression. It's like fear. It can be
unimodal, bimodal or multimodal.
Fear is an illusion. It is an illusion that your dreams aren’t true. It is
an illusion that you cannot go beyond that boundary. It is an
illusion that you might not exist if you went beyond that boundary.
But if you realize that everything else here is an illusion too, you
will know that there is no boundary.

-’Today we will learn about anger management.’ This time Renuka

mam was lecturing the class.
-’Anger can be passive or it can be aggressive. Anger is truly a
breaking point of human behaviour.
-’Often when we experience anger, we are also feeling fear or
perceive a threat and we are responding with a ‘fight’ response.’ She
continued.
-’Ask yourself “what might I be scared of?” You might be angry
something hasn’t gone your way and you may be blamed or hurt as a
result.
-’Take five when you realise that you are getting angry. Think over it.
Breathe slowly.
-’For long term anger, exercise, get creative or talk about it.
-’And now, we will go in a circle and talk about who we are most
angry with and why.’ She was looking into my eyes directly. When
my number came, I stood up. My legs were shaking.
-’I am angry with my father. Growing up, he was my hero. He was the
only one with a job in our village. When we came to town, it was like
the pond in monsoon. There were some financial problem with my
father, so he couldn’t study further- so he says. But not today-he
could have given me money to complete my PhD. But no, he has to
treat me and send me to rehab. I am also angry because he slapped
me because I got just 84 percent marks in matriculation.’
Dynamics
One day while walking by the side of her, I slipped. She suddenly held
my hand- it was the first time. And I thought she might never lose
me.

-’Do you see the bulge at the waist of the coconut trees? It helps the
top not to sway much during an earthquake or a storm. I asked Atish
one morning. There were lots of them in our university.
-’But how do they know, that?’
-’There somewhere is my proof, Atish, in biology. They know the
laws of the universe.’

-’There is this constant struggle between what we have and what we

have not. We can possess three things-person, material and wisdom.
That would respectively give us kaam-krodh, moh-lobh, mad-irshya.’
Ravi was granting us some of his knowledge, while we were waiting
for our next class.

-’Today we will learn about dynamics of our brain.’ Renuka mam

started the class.
-’There are three functional divisions of our brain-id, ego and
superego. Id is our immediate desire. It is present since our birth and
is the source of bodily needs, wants, desires and impulses
particularly our sexual and aggressive drive. Id acts according to the
pleasure principle that is to seek immediate gratification.
Superego aims for the ideal and perfection. It is the moral that is
taught to us from childhood. Superego also gives us a feeling of guilt
for misbehaviour.
Ego is the balance between id and superego. Ego also suppresses the
ids which cannot be realised.
Series
It was the placement season. My friends had already been placed. I
was the last one to get a job. We were so happy, so we planned a trip.
A trip to Banaras-the plan was to get high and get drunk along the
bank of Ganges. It was my first time with weed.
It was awesome. It felt like the time had stopped and I could neither
go forward nor backwards. The sphere of our consciousness is
surrounded by those of others around us-spacelike or timelike. I was
able to feel them. I could even live their lives-of those who are closest
to me, my family.
After we came back, it was monthly that we took weed. Some time I
would feel the gravity and feared I would slip off the earth. Other
times I would see images forming in the clouds and thought our mind
is the most powerful GPU. Then it was on Saturday nights only. We
would roam whole night and had desserts. Sunday mornings felt
much more awesome. This was when I discovered my imaginary
part. We would talk for hours and had coffee together.
Then I switched to daily and had made a bong. I attended the lectures
being high-they had a whole lot meaning in them. Even the exams
were written being high.

Days turned into weeks, weeks into months. Classes went on. They
were being repeated. Patients came in and went out. One day even
Rohan was relieved. He was so happy, he even hugged me and said
goodbyes to all of us. I changed my room to Ravi’s. There were
cocaine and heroin addicts there. The cocaine addict would never sit
idle at one place for much longer and the heroin addict had no idea
where he was. But the medicines helped them and they became
stable slowly.

-’We are the terms in the series of the god function. So we together as
a sum represent the god.’ Ravi was again exploring his mathematical
take on reality. I really liked the idea.

-’Why stop with one universe? Why can't there be multiverse like the
soap bubbles where the inner ones are stable and outer ones are
constantly blowing out with a source at the centre?’ Atish once
remarked on our high night outs.
-’That might explain the web between galaxies. And also the cosmic
background radiation due to the constant buzzing of blowing
universes.’
Residues
I am free now. I still have memories. Memories of friends, college,
rehab, family and Atish. I still hope we would meet someday. The
question still lingers in my mind-why entanglement? Poles of
meromorphic function. The singularities are connected somehow.
Strongly in time and weakly in space.

We are not that simple, we are complex. Each one of us-every

particle-has real part that is in space and imaginary part that is in
time. Together we form the universe. Every particle and not only
black holes form a singularity at its core which gets connected due to
vicinity. That's why entanglement.
I miss her mostly in the mornings as she often does come in my
dreams. Are the dreams connected? Does she ever dream of me?
Everything else is okay. I have a job which I have been thinking of
resigning and start teaching. I often think of death. When will be a
good time to die? Then, when I become senile and a load on my
family. But what will be the ultimate question?

They say Yamraj is the knower of everything. If I am being monitored

they know what good and bad things I have done. What will Yamraj
demand from me? Maybe my mind. This is the unhackable computer
they built. Maybe they put me in the simulation to generate an
output-gnosis. And that is my purpose here.