wy, w/ ACT ONE, SCENE ONE A cheap club, on the South side of Chicago. Not cheap in the whorehouse way; but strictly a neighborhood joint. MIKE, the proprietor, is sitting to one side of the bandstand is the late 1930's, a September afternoon. The girls where JOBY EVANS is singing. are off to the side talking, smoking, maybe wandering outside. SONG: A GREAT BIG TOWN JOEY THERE’S A GREAT BIG TOWN ON A GREAT BIG LAKE CALLED CHICAGO. WHEN THE SUN GOES DOWN IT IS WIDE AWAKE. TAKE YOUR MA AND YOUR PA, GO TO CHICAGO. BOSTON IS ENGLAND, N’ORLEANS IS FRANCE — NEW YORK IS ANYONE'S FOR TEN CENTS A DANCE. BUT THIS GREAT BIG TOWN ON THIS GREAT BIG LAKE IS AMERICA’S FIRST, AND AMERICANS MAKE, CHICA ~ MIKE Okay. Anything else? JOEY Sure. (JOEY does some dance steps.) MIKE That's enough. JOEY Well? MIKE Well, Idon’t know. What do you drink? JOEY2 Drink? Me—drink? I had my last drink on my twenty-first birthday. My father gave me a gold watch if I'd stop drinking when I was twenty-one. MIKE Uh-huh, so you don’t drink. How about nose-candy? JOEY Not that, either. Oh, I have my vices. MIKE Well, you met the girls. JOEY Thave indeed. MIKE ‘Oh, so that’s it? JOEY just ran over the routine with them, MIKE I think they can handle you. JOEY Bet? MIKE Now, look, you better not... JOEY Ah, I’m kidding, Tove you. Ian talk to you. When do TI start? MIKE ‘Tomorrow night. (MIKE starts to cross left then stops) What about a front? You got a full dress? Tails? JOEY Tails? You know who wears tails? Dancers. Tony de Marco. Veloz, you know, Veloz and Yolanda. The wear tails. MIKE And I hear no complaints about them. JOEY Ah, but they're dancers. I wear a tux; a tux it’s got a style it’s got panache.MIKE Okay, wear the effin’ tux. (MIKE starts to exit.) ity. I think it’s twenty-three What's twenty-three bucks? JOEY That's with the interest. I got twenty on the suit, but of course those pawn shop guys aren’t in business for love. MIKE Oh, JOEY ‘Oh. Twenty-three, twenty-five, you know. MIKE (MIKE peels off some bills) ‘Well, anyway, this means I'll keep you till the end of the week, JOEY Why, Mike, I consider myself a partner. MIKE You getting’ ideas? JOEY Me, Mike? Hell, no, whaddya talking;? I’m just the singer — just a humble practitioner— MIKE Yeah, well, ya better start humbly practitionin” these girls? Hey —let’s get started! Van Joey! where's this rehearsal, why’m I payin’ (Val jumps up.) JOEY ‘Yeah, Mike?MIKE ‘Welcome aboard. JOEY ‘Thanks. (MIKE exits. JOEY scopes the place proprietarily. THE KID enters from SR and crosses to R wedge. JOEY sings, slow pace:) THERE'S A GREAT BIG TOWN ON A GREAT BIG LAKE CALLED CHICAGO - (VAL hums “Musn’t Kick It Around”) JOEY ‘What a gorgeous sound. VAL Huh? JOEY Anybody ever tell you have truly lovely tonalities in you: voice? VAL Well, Ising a little. JOEY ‘And don’t think I didn’t notice during the practice. And what I'm willin’ to offer is free vocal instruction ~ gratis — nights, weekends, empty broom-closets ~ VAL For my voice ~ JOEY You must never ignore real talent -—- (GLADYS BUMPS enters, puts stuff DR, doesn’t see JOEY at first, beelines to THE KID) GLADYS Hey, Kid ~ Mike say anything ‘bout my being lat? THE KID Nothin’ in particular, but he’s in a little mood — GLADYS Oh - thanks - Maybe I'll say somethin’ to—(she notices JOEY, stops dead)JOEY Hello. THE KID Oh, Gladys, this is the new guy. He’s gonna — GLADYS Get the others in here, Kid—we gotta rehears. THE KID Okay. (THE KID exits UR) (GLADYS looks at JOEY who doesn’t quite get it yet) JOEY I'm Joey Evans ~ GLADYS The trouble with livin’ like a gypsy is sooner or later you meet everybody twice. JOEY ---We met before? GLADYS You know Dee-troit? JOEY Nice town if your name’s Ford ~ GLADYS The name's Gladys. JOEY (uncomprehending) Uh-huh. (beat) Huh. (beat) You look different. GLADYS Ibet I do. JOEY How ya been?GLADYS Crappy. JOEY Always with the jokes. (generally) Hey, is this a rehearsal or a tea party? We pay by the hour, girlies! (THE KID enters with five other girls.) THE KID Okay, Gladys. GLADYS (to JOEY) ‘You sing the first vocal — I come on for the encore. JOEY (to GLADYS) Right. The same routine as we did earlier. Now, children, get to your places, and let's have some cooperation. (THE GIRLS dance with JOEY during the following number.) JOEY IHAVE THE WORST APPREHENSION THAT YOU DON’T CRAVE MY ATTENTION BUT ICAN’T FORCE YOU TO CHANGE YOUR TASTE IF YOU DON’T CARE TO BE NICE, DEAR THEN GIVE ME AIR, BUT NOT ICE, DEAR DON’T LET A GOOD FELLOW GO TO WASTE FOR THIS LITTLE SIN THAT YOU COMMIT AT LEISURE YOU'LL REPENT IN HASTE (REFRAIN) IF MY HEART GETS IN YOUR HAIR YOU MUSTN'T KICK IT AROUND IF YOU'RE BORED WITH THIS AFFAIR YOU MUSTN'T KICK IT AROUND EVEN THOUGH I’M MILD AND MEEK WHEN WE HAVE A BRAWL IF I TURN THE OTHER CHEEK, YOU MUSTN'T KICK IT AT ALL. WHEN I TRY TO RING THE BELL YOU NEVER CARE FOR THE SOUND --- THE NEXT GUY MAY NOT DO AS WELL, YOU MUSTN'T KICK IT AROUND.MIKE (entering) Hey, Joey, come here. (exits) JOEY Yeah, Mike. (to Girls) Go ahead, keep on rehearsing. DIANE Get outta here ~ ya don’t own the place! JOEY (smiling) Not yet. (He exits. The girls immediately sit down. Gladys stays to the side.) ‘THE KID Keep rehearsing. MILLIE I don’t wanna rehearse. I wanna sit. TILDA (to VAL) What are you doing? VALERIE ‘Well, we do need the practice. DIANE Oh, a career girl! TILDA Hon, you're new here, lemme tell ya somethin’: We got one rule and you'll do fine: Nobody works unless somebody's watchin’ VAL But then how do you get good? I mean, people come to see us, maybe important people— DIANE Yeah, well, funny thing — every time Mr. Louis B. Mayer sticks his puss inna this hole, the routine just falls inta place, kinda magic-like — VAL Well...once I've learned this one step. ..(Goes back to work; KID joins her to help, music continuous) TILDA think we got us a straight-A student type on our hands. (COOKIE yawns big.) Hey what's your beef, Cookie?COOKIE I'm exhausted. DIANE Sure ya are ~ say, you still livin’ with that guy? COOKIE Nah. He got mad TILDA So where ya sleepin’ nights? COOKIE Here an’ there. DIANE That's why he got mad. COOKIE Hey! TILDA She’s only funnin’ ya. Well, I got a spare mattress ya can use if my cat says it’s okay. COOKIE Aw, that’s be real nice — MIKE (enters) Come on ~ get up, you heard Joey. Keep on rehearsin’ DIANE This crumb is really taking over JANET ‘Me ~I think he’s cute. THE KID ‘Who don’t you think is cute? GLADYS He’s not cut ~ he’s not anything like it — Stay away from him. JANET Whaddya talkin’ about?GLADYS Don’t get near him, ya understand me? I know what I'm sayin’ I (JOBY enters during this. MIKE sees him.) Glad — Hit it - one-two-three-four— MIKE (warning) GLADYS (sees JOEY) (MUSIC. GIRLS rustle into place.) SONG: YOU MUSTN’T KICK I (DANCE BREAK.) .OUND. GLADYS IF MY HEART GETS IN YOUR HAIR YOU MUSN’T KICK IT AROUND IF YOU'RE BORED WITH THIS AFFAIR YOU MUSN'T KICK IT AROUND EVEN THOUGH I'M MILD AND MEEK WHEN WE HAVE A BRAWL. IF | TURN THE OTHER CHEEK, YOU MUST NOT KICK IT AT ALL. WHEN I TRY TO RING THE BELL YOU NEVER CARE FOR THE SOUND ——- THE NEXT GUY MAY NOT DO AS WELL, YOU MUSN'T KICK IT AROUND. GIRLS IF MY HEART GETS IN YOUR HAIR YOU MUSN'T KICK IT AROUND IF YOU'RE BORED WITH THIS AFFAIR YOU MUSN’T KICK IT AROUND EVEN THOUGH I'M MILD AND MEEK WHEN WE HAVE A BRAWL IF TURN THE OTHER CHEEK, YOU MUST NOT KICK IT AT ALL. JOEY & GLADYS WHEN I TRY TO RING THE BELL ‘YOU NEVER CARE FOR THE SOUND -— THE NEXT GUY MAY NOT DO AS WELL,10 YOU MUSN'T KICK IT AROUND. ACT ONE, SCENE TWO A coffee shop. Linda English sits alone, sipping coffee and looking out the window. After a minute, JOEY enters, doesn’t notice her at first, goes to counterman, JOEY Cuppa Joe, black, no sugar, I'll take it with me. COUNTERMAN Comin’ right up. JOEY Thanks. (He looks around; spots LINDA) On the other hand, put it in a real cup, I'm staying. (JOEY seats himself at a table, takes a pen out of his pocket, grabs a napkin and starts writing.) Excuse me? Excuse me? LINDA Oh! I'm sorry. JOEY ‘That’s all right, I’m sorry to interrupt you, but I was wondering — would you know how to spell “convalescence?” LINDA Umm...c J-e-s-c-e-n-c-e...] think; spelling’s not a strong point. JOEY appreciate it. I wouldn’a bothered you, only I'm writin’ to my ma an’ she’s a stickler about spellin’ and such matters. Thank you very much. (He goes back to letter.) LINDA. Is she sick? Your Ma? JOEY ‘Oh—yes, yes she is ~ Getting’ better, though, every day ~I try to write to her every day an’ phone three or four times a week — LINDA. ‘Your close to her.i JOEY ‘Oh ~ thick as thieves, they say about us ~ She’s my ma! What about you? LINDA Oh! Oh! Yes. Very. Well, actually, she lives in Wisconsin — so I don’t get to see her now, which is a shame. JOEY You're living here in Chicago, now --? LINDA Yes. JOEY So it’s, what, just you and your husband or— LINDA Oh, I’m not married — JOEY My name’s Joey Evans. LINDA Oh...well, you know, actually... sorta made a rule...I don’t... don’t really speak to strangers. JOEY Oh. Ob, yes. Oh, yes, of course. I'm bein’ rude. I'll just go back to my letter, To ma, LINDA T'm brand new in this town, everybody's a stranger, please talk to me! JOEY GOBY moves over to join her) How do you do? LINDA How do you do? I’m Linda English. JOEY Pleases to meet you, Linda English. Well, I'm brand new, too. So what are you her for? LINDA Something; I’m still kinda...bedazzled. Everybody back home thinks I’m crazy to leave, times like these.12 JOEY Times like these? ‘Times like these are just the times ~ you can be sure nothin’s gonna happen back in Wiscon— LINDA That's what I think, but, you know, they’re afraid I'll never find a job and I'll just spend my days walking around the streets and sitting in restaurants, meeting strange, ‘unemployed...men; so what is it you do again? JOEY T'm an entertainer. LINDA Oh... JOEY I got a job. LINDA Oh. ‘That must be wonderful, then. JOEY Oh, yeah, there’s nothin’ like it~ makin’ a lotta people happy all at once. Right now I'm just workin’ in this joint down the street. But someday T'll have a place a my own ~ the sorta place people wanna come to, a home away from home, ya know? Till then = I'm holdin’ on tihgt. LINDA Somebody confident about the future ~ what a relief! I believe you, I believe all those things will happen. JOEY ‘Thank you, comin’ from you that means a lot. LINDA Coming from me! But you don’t even know me, JOEY Sure Ido. You're new here; I'm new too. Heck, it’s a city fulla newcomers ~ so let's be friends... LINDA But...you really don’t know the first thing about me. JOEY I know everything about you — and what I don’t I can make up.13 SONG: I COULD WRITE A BOOK JOEY AB-CD-EFG I NEVER LEARNED TO SPELL, AT LEAST NOT WELL. 1-2:3-4-5-6-7, INEVER LEARNED TO COUNT A GREATER AMOUNT. BUT MY BUSY MIND IS BURNING TO USE WHAT LEARNING I'VE GOT I WON'T WASTE ANY TIME I'LL STRIKE WHILE THE IRON IS HOT IF THEY ASKED ME I COULD WRITE A BOOK ABOUT THE WAY YOU WALK AND WHISPER AND LOOK. I COULD WRITE A PREFACE ON HOW WE MET SO THE WORLD WILL NEVER FORGET. AND THE SIMPLE SECRET OF THE PLOT IS JUST TO TELL THEM THAT I LOVE YOU. ALOT. THE WORLD DISCOVERS AS MY BOOK ENDS HOW TO MAKE TWO LOVERS OF FRIENDS LINDA You’ ve got a pretty...vivid imagination, don’t you? JOEY T'm sorry...Do you mind? LINDA It just doesn’t seem. ..right, somehow; not that I JOEY USED TO HATE TO GO TO SCHOOL I NEVER CRACKED A BOOK. IPLAYED THE HOOK. NEVER ANSWERED ANY MAIL, TO WRITE I USED TO THINK WAS WASTING INK. IT WAS NEVER MY ENDEAVOR TO BE TO CLEVER AND SMART. NOW I SUDDENLY FEEL14 A LONGING TO WRITE IN MY HEART. IF THEY ASKED ME I COULD WRITE A BOOK ABOUT THE WAY YOU WALK AND WHISPER AND LOOK. ICOULD WRITE A PREFACE ON HOW WE MET SO THE WORLD WILL NEVER FORGET. AND THE SIMPLE SECRET OF THE PLOT IS JUST TO TELL THEM THAT I LOVE YOU ALOT. THE WORLD DISCOVERS AS MY BOOK ENDS HOW TO MAKE TWO LOVERS OF FRIENDS. LINDA Look at the time!...I think I'd better...1 think I'd better go. JOEY Hey!...What I said before—and I hope this isn’t forward—but, it’s a new place and neither one of us knows anybody—When you're all alone in a new place, isn’t it okay to break an old rule? Tmean—let’s be friends, really. Maybe this town can feel like home to the both of us. LINDA ~--Ubhh... You know, I... JOEY Tunderstand. LINDA I'm staying with my sister and brother-in-law. My brother-in-law’s name is Steven Dailey. I mean...it’s in the book. JOEY (looking after her; sings) When the sun goes down it is wide awake (spoken over music) And it just might take ~ at last ~ OEY exits left; Instantly the scene melts into the Club, the girls on stage doing the Chicago number.)15 ACT ONE, SCENE THREE Ss A GREAT BIG TOWN GIRLS THERE’S A GREAT BIG TOWN ON A GREAT BIG LAKE CALLED CHICAGO Hi ya, boys. WHEN THE SUN GOES DOWN IT IS WIDE AWAKE, TAKE YOUR MA THE KID AND YOUR PA GIRLS GO TO CHICAGO. BOSTON IS ENGLAND, N'ORLEANS IS FRANCE — NEW YORK IS ANYONE'S FOR TEN CENTS A DANCE. BUT THIS GREAT BIG TOWN ON THIS GREAT BIG LAKE IS AMERICA’S FIRST, AND AMERICAN'S MAKE CHICA—GO! TA-TA (The song ends and the GIRLS shuffle-off-to Buffalo. Exit. MIKE escorts a beautiful dressy woman, VERA SIMPSON, and her two male, preppy escorts to a table, fawning elaborately over her as he does.) JOEY (to bartender) Hey — hey—hey—who is that over there? BARTENDER Now that’s what I call a female. JOEY You're the observant type, ain’t ya? Mike looks pretty chummy with her— you don’t suppose that’s a romance, do you?16 BARTENDER Mike? Fat chance. Not unless he gives up the drummer. JOEY Say who--? You mean — Mike and— BARTENDER ‘You heard me. JOEY Go figure. I wondered why Mike's keepin’ a drummer’s got such lousy time. Tell me, is that general information or are you the guy who knows where all the bodies are laid? BARTENDER Everybody knows that and nobody knows it, if ya know what I mean, but yeah I get, around. JOEY (MIKE crosses to them.) So, uh, Mike who's your lady friend? MIKE: ‘That’s no other than Vera Simpson, so lay it on good now, boy. JOEY Who? MIKE go Society ~ Mrs. Prentiss Simpson. JOEY Wait ~ ya mean the Staffo Milk guy, with the Lakeshore Drive place, ten, twelve mil” private fortune? MIKE You know your stuff dontcha? JOEY Team a researchers, Mike, round the clock. And that’s the missus — Say, some nights a job ‘o work ain’t a half-bad thing. MIKE Just make good with the patter. (JOBY goes on stage.)17 JOEY Ladies and gentlemen, thanks for that enthusiastic reception, Ya know in a time such as. this, when a lotta the other joints around town are playin’ it a little cheap, a little blue, I can't tell ya how heartwarmin’ it is t’see alla ya turnin’ out for the kind of wholesome entertainment suitable to the whole family, that we put on here...(Sees Linda) Hi. LINDA Hi. JOEY Ya know—some a those other places — VALERIE “Scuse me...’scuse me...pardon me... JOEY Say, what are you doin’? VALERIE I'm preparin’ to perform. JOEY Perform? Lookin’ like that? Why, you're not even decent! VALERIE Tuseta be decent, but now I'm spectacular. Get outta my way, Sonny ~ I need room for my interpretive dance. JOEY Interpretive dance! And what are you gonna interpret, may I ask? VALERIE I'm goin’a’ interpret the role of a tree. Ya know, they say only God can make a tree, but if ya got fifty bucks I’m willing to negotiate. ARMOUR (calls from audience) Twenty-five. VALERIE Call me when ya got a real roll in your wallet. (VALERIE off.)18 JOEY Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, Our next show starts in just a coupla minutes. Meanwhile, you newcomers—I want ya to sit back, maybe order some bubbly, and accept my sincere wishes that our little place here lives up to the good looks an’ class ya brought into it. (All during this routine, the high hat group are having a wonderful time, very hilarious in varying degrees, with MRS. SIMPSON the least hilarious. She is studying JOEY ~ and he is not unaware of it. Just as JOEY is finishing his recital, VERA signals to MIKE and gives him a message for JOEY. The orchestra, meanwhile, begins to play, perhaps some couples get up to dance, JOEY comes to LINDA’S table.) JOEY Hello, pretty Miss English — how are you? You like the vocal? LINDA I did — very much. JOBY You know why? LINDA No, why. JOEY Because I was singing it for you, And is this gentleman over here something I should be concerned about? LINDA Oh, Joey, this is Ted... Ted is...my brother-in-law’s friend, that’s...what he is. They're ‘out of town this weekend, he and my sister, so Ted’s just taking me around, that’s all, nothing else. JOEY In that case, glad to meetcha — ‘TED (mumbling) Nice to — Linda, (holds his stomach)...stomach. (MIKE gives JOEY a message from VERA.) LINDA Oh, yes, we have to go, but ~ JOEY ‘Oh -Oh—19 LINDA T'll see you soon, I hope ~ Ihave a job! JOEY Yeah? That's great! Um - listen, honey — duty calls ~I gotta - but I’m gonna call ya, okay, I can’t wait...ice meeting you, too... (He crosses to VERA'S table. LINDA and TED leave.) VERA Hello. Won't you join us? (The men at VERA’S table rise, more or less steadily, and a chair is pulled up for JOEY.) JOEY How do you do? VERA ‘This is Mr. Swift — Mr. Swift's going to find me a fresh highball at the bar. SWIFT Tam? VERA You're not? (Looks over to the bar. COOKIE is there leaning seductively.) SWIFT Lam! (He crosses to bar area.) VERA ‘And this is Mr. Armour. ARMOUR Hello— VERA ~- who's getting me cigarettes. ARMOUR Good-bye. (He crosses likewise.) JOEY Nice boys, VERA Yes, well...1"m just...you know...showing them the world.20 JOEY They haven't seen the world? VERA Funny ~ it's the one place they've never been. I’m dying for a cigarette. (He offers one of his; she inspects the writing on the side.) No, I can’t smoke those. (Awkwardly, he returns it to its package.) JOEY So, Mrs. Prentiss — VERA Mrs. Simpson— JOEY Pardon? VERA I'm Mrs. Simpson — JOEY Like the Duchess of Windsor — VERA Yes, well — JOEY Tsaw you watching me. (pause.) VERA You were the show. JOEY like the way you watched me, I mean. VERA T’'m sure I don’t know what you're saying. JOEY Oh, you know what I’m sayin’... know you know what I'm sayin’...so why'n’t ya just out the polite stuff an’ admit a thing when it happens to ya all at once?21 VERA Oh, Mr. Evans, What very, very bad form ~ (ARMOUR enters) ARMOUR They didn’t have yours so I got these. VERA You’re back. We're leaving. ‘ARMOUR Leaving? I thought we were slumming --- VERA Yes, dear one, we are, but we picked the wrong slum — JOEY Where are you going? VERA Hank. JOEY Don’t go- (VERA exits.) You'll be back! ARMOUR Ido hope so! (ARMOUR exits.) (JOEY falls into a chair as MIKE enters.) MIKE (angry) What the hell was that about? JOEY Whadda ya talking"? MIKE Any spot in town would give a week’s take to have her come in. So she picks my lousy crib by some accident, and what do you do? You give her the business like she was some kid on the line. You’re not only out. You're out all over town, Here ~ (peels off a couple of bills) and get out of here before I start wrecking my own furniture.22 JOEY But here — here ~ wait ~ I'll make you a bet. MIKE Stop it. JOEY If she doesn’t come back tomorrow, you can give me the bounce without paying me a nickel. MIKE Which is a good idea for now. Here take your moolah. JOEY Tomorrow night! What can you lose? Either you win my pay, or if she does come back- ~ you know how they are — they'll keep coming back and spending ~ wine money. MIKE... ..-T wanna know your angle ~ JOEY No angle. A job and. MIKE That dame? Yeah, you and the Russian Army. What'd she say? JOEY Ab, no, When Ihave more to tell you, maybe I'll tell you, But Mike, the rest of the night = you gotta take over — MIKE What? JOEY T got work to do ~ (exits.) (SWIFT enters, with drink.) MIKE Ladies and gentlemen ~ We now present ~ a Panoply of Pulchritude ~ A Spectrum of Spectacularettes - The Rainbow Girls! (GLADYS and THE GIRLS come on.)23 SONG: THAT TERRIFIC RAINBOW GLADYS MY LIFE HAD NO COLOR BEFORE I MET YOU. WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN DULLER ‘THE TIME I WENT THROUGH? YOU WEAKENED MY RESISTANCE AND COLORED MY EXISTENCE. I'M HAPPY AND UNHAPPY, TOO. T'MARED HOT MAMA, BUT I'M BLUE FOR YOU. IGET PURPLE WITH ANGER AT THINGS YOU DO. AND I'M GREEN FOR ENVY. WHEN YOU MEET A DAME, BUT YOU BURN MY HEART UP WITH AN ORANGE FLAME. I'M A RED HOT MAMA. BUT YOU'RE WHITE AND COLD DON'T YOU KNOW YOUR MAMA HAS A HEART OF GOLD? THOUGH WE'RE IN THOSE GRAY CLOUDS SOME DAY YOU'LL SPY THAT TERRIFIC RAINBOW OVER YOU AND |. (GLADYS and THE GIRLS do big dance.) ‘One more time! GLADYS AND THE GIRLS THOUGH WE'RE IN THOSE GRAY CLOUDS SOME DAY YOU'LL SPY THAT TERRIFIC RAINBOW OVER YOU AND L GLADYS.24 GLADYS AND THE GIRLS THOUGH WE'RE IN THOSE GRAY CLOUDS SOME DAY YOU'LL SPY THAT TERRIFIC RAINBOW GLADYS OVER YOU AND I. THE GIRLS OH DADDY OH DEE-ADDY, DADDY DO! GLADYS AND THE GIRLS YEAH! BLACKOUTACT ONE, SCENE FOUR ‘The SIMPSON living room. VERA sits drinking. JOEY has just arrived. JOEY «.[didn’t think I'd get past your butler, the Red Baron, out there. VERA Fritz. He’s well trained, yes. He's not used to unexpected visitors at this hour, he doesn’t...expect them, none of us do ~ JOEY ‘Yeah, well, I didn’t expect to get let in. VERA Oh? Then why did you come? JOEY Never try, always regret ~ why did you let me in? VERA «Hmmm... Novelty. JOEY Novelty? VERA It isn’t every evening the entertainment follows me home. JOEY Your husband around here somewhere, in some...wing? VERA ‘My husband is in the country. JOEY You got a place there, too? VERA In the kingdom of my Lord there are many mansions.... JOEY Pardon?26 VERA Isaid...yes. He has a friend in the country and another one, I believe, in town...why am telling you this? JOEY Dunno...(Pause. They look at each other.) VERA Where do you come by it? JOEY What? VERA Your nerve. JOEY ‘Yeah. Well...My father had a deep thirst, somethin’ maybe you can appreciate. (She sips her drink.) When I was ten, my mother fell in love with a gas stove ~I discovered the body since then I don’t see the use of pussyfootin’. And what’s your sad story? Beat.) VERA Don’t have one, I'm afraid... JOEY think you do. You got a look about you. (Pause.) Like maybe we got plenty in common, you're just further along, you know? VERA It’s been so lovely having you here, Mr. Evans; you're such a colorful young man, so marvelously self-possessed— JOEY Oh. Jesus, is this what rich people do instead of conversation? VERA You were genuinely offensive tonight. JOEY Whaddya talkin’ —27 VERA There was no reason to insult me like that, we'd hardly met ~ nice people give people the benefit of the doubt— JOEY Insult you! I was complimenting you...1 was sayin’ - your not afraid, you're not some dumb, made-up dame with a pole up her — not a ... tense... woman. ..is what I mean, VERA God! Can you really have so much to learn? JOEY Teach me. Beat.) VERA Joey ~ JOEY ‘Oh ~ [like it when you say my name — sounds the way it’s sposta — it kinda pulls you in, you know? VERA Listen — JOEY Oh, look ~ I was a mope before, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'll write it on a chalkboard a million times ~ but you can’t blame me — VERA Joey— JOEY You said my name! VERA Oh God. JOEY If you hadn’ta been such a dazzler, I wouldn't a been such a dope to begin with — Hell, 1 almost lost my job on accounta you. VERA Lost your job?JOEY They thought Iran ya out ‘cause I couldn’t control myself. If you don’t show up again who knows what's gonna happen. (He comes up to her and touches her arm.) But right now, it doesn’t seem t” matter. VERA (pulling away) No. (Pause.) JOEY Well... VERA ..-This is not a good night... for beginnings— JOEY .-.See you tomorrow. VERA Tomorrow? JOEY At the club...G’night. VERA Joey ~! JOEY Yeah? VERA Don’t expect it. JOEY Till then...(He exits.)WHAT IS A MAN? 29 VERA THERE ARE SO MANY, SO MANY FISH IN THE SEA MUST I WANT THE ONE WHO'S NOT FOR ME? IT’S JUST MY FOOLISH WAY WHAT CAN IDO ABOUT IT? T'M MUCH TOO USED TO LOVE ‘TO BE WITHOUT IT. WHAT IS A MAN? IS HE AN ANIMAL? IS HE A WOLF, IS HE A MOUSE? IS HE THE CHEAP OR THE DEAR KIND? IS HE CHAMPAGNE OR THE BEER KIND? WHAT IS A MAN? IS HE A STIMULANT? GOOD FOR THE HEART, BAD FOR THE NERVES? FROM CHARLIE CHAPLIN ‘TO CHARLIE CHAN, ALL HAVE ONE TRICK, ONE THAT IS SLICK ~ WHAT IS THIS THING CALLED MAN? (Lights up on JOBY at a payphone.) JOEY Hello, Tilda, is Cookie there?... Hi, Cookie whaddya doin’, wanna get together ~ maybe? Oh, in that case, could ya put Tilda back on — (He’s hung up on.)VERA WHAT IS A MAN IS HE AN ORNAMENT? USELESS BY DAY, HANDY BY NIGHT? NATURE'S MISTAKE SINCE THE WORLD BEGAN? WHAT MAKES ME GIVE, WHAT MAKES ME LIVE? WHAT IS THIS THING CALLED MAN?31 ACT ONE, SCENE FIVE LINDA'S house. As “WHAT IS A MAN’ ends, lights come up on JOEY outside her door, knocking. JOEY Linda - Linda—You there? LINDA (LINDA enters in a robe) Joey?...(She opens the door.) What is it? What are you doing here? JOEY I'm sorry ~ I’m sorry ~ I hope I didn’t wake your sister or her husband... LINDA. ‘They're not here ~ I told you that ~ They're at his mother’s in Winnetka — JOEY That's right — I forgot —I should go then ~ it wouldn’t be right for me to be with you alone — LINDA Joey, what's the matter...Come on in. (He does.) JOBY Thanks. LINDA You want some coffee. .. something to eat? JOEY I'm fine. LINDA You're not, though... Why are you here T wanted to see your face. LINDA Joey... JOEY ‘Sometimes you get so you just want to look at somebody — like its the only thing that'll fix things—32 LINDA Tell me. JOEY 1 got the boot tonight. LINDA ‘What?....But that’s crazy... Your show is wonderful... JOEY It’s not the show...it’s not anything I did...it’s what I didn’t do... LINDA I don’t follow you. JOEY Did you see that dame with the fur pieces and the bangles? Well...that’s what I didn’t do. LINDA. Tdon’t know what you... JOEY There's all sortsa things, Linda, about what I do ~ things that have nothin’ to do with me as an entertainer ~ Just because somebody's got dough, I'm supposed to make nice to her...or whatever. LINDA. Joey — JOEY And I’m not supposed to stop until the customer is satisfied... whenever that chances to be. I don’t need that kind of trouble, I told them; That’s not who Joey Evans is — LINDA Tcan’t believe anything like that— JOEY Oh Linda, get outta this town — now — before thy do it to you, too — This is no place for you ~Ican’t stand it — I can’t stand to think of you here, honey, it makes me sick. LINDA Joey, you just had a bad thing happen, that’s all —33 JOEY I know what I’m talking about — LINDA Not everything's like that. Listen, you're so good — you'll get another job — someplace better — someplace where they appreciate you - There are other kindsa people in the work, Joey, I'd just hate for you not to know that... JOEY .-- You still trust people... You're breakin’ my heart. LINDA (sofily) Some people can be trusted... JOEY No! -- Don't trust anybody — not even me. LINDA Some people you can trust. (MUSIC starts under.) JOEY ‘Oh God ~ you know, with you sayin’ that... can almost believe it... (He sings.) SONG: ARE YOU MY LC JOEY ARE YOU MY LOVE THEN LIFE’S BEGUN FOR ME ARE YOU MY LOVE— THE MOON AND SUN FOR ME? ARE YOU MY JOY? ARE YOU MY PAIN? ‘ARE YOU MY UNIVERSE, EARTH AND HEAVEN? ARE YOU A DREAM THAT'S OVERTAKEN ME? IF YOU'RE A DREAM THEN DON’T AWAKEN ME. MY HEART MUST KNOW, OR LOSE ITS BEAT — ARE YOU MY LOVE ~ MY SWEET?(He kisses her.) LINDA Joey. JOEY Ishould’n’a done that. LINDA (suddenly) Joey, stay here with me tonight! (Beat. JOEY is genuinely caught off guard by this.) JOEY «+. W-what? LINDA I know I shouldn't have said that — JOEY No — ya just kinda threw my rhythm is all ~ LINDA But everything you've been wondering ~ I’ve been wondering, too — (She sings with a glowing warmth that is in marked contiast to JOEY’S smoothness.) LINDA, ARE YOU MY LOVE THEN LIFE’S BEGUN FOR ME ARE YOU MY LOVE ~ ‘THE MOON AND SUN FOR ME? ARE YOU MY JOY? ARE YOU MY PAIN? ARE YOU MY UNIVERSE, EARTH AND HEAVEN? ARE YOU A DREAM THAT'S OVERTAKEN ME? IF YOU'RE A DREAM THEN DON’T AWAKEN ME. MY HEART MUST KNOW, OR LOSE ITS BEAT — ARE YOU MY LOVE...MY SWEET?35 LINDA (cont'd; spoken) Joey ~ this is the first time I've ever done anything like this ~ I mean, I don't just do this with everybody ~ but I believe in you, Joey; somehow ~ I trust you — JOEY (genuinely moved by her) You're an amazin’ girl ~I never met anyone like you...G’night. LINDA Why are you leaving? JOEY Damned if I know ~ this is the first time I’ve ever done anything like this — but I think maybe I oughta — LINDA (kisses him) Please stay ~ who knows if I'll ever be this brave again? (She exits into bedroom. He looks after her, turns to go, starts out, pauses in doorway.) JOEY What the hell am I doin’? (MUSIC and JOEY swell in tandem as he makes a beeline for her bed.36 ACT ONE, SCENE SIX THE NEXT NIGHT There are two or three drunks left in the audience at the Club. Onstage: sketch into Song: The girls dance on in bridesmaids costumes. They are joined by JOEY in a tophat. VALERIE is dressed as a bride, and JANET as a minister. MINISTER (JANET) Inow pronounce you Man and Wife. You may kiss the bride. (They kiss. The BRIDE [VALERIE] vanishes. Lights change, the BRIDESMAIDS turn downstage, JOEY joins them.) JOEY What's the matter, girls, why the tears? ‘THE KID You’re...you're...married! TILDA No more nights by the River Seine! COOKIE No more nights gazing at the Taj Mahal! DIANE No more nights in that crummy rumble seat! JOEY Aw, girls, quit your boo-hooing ~ just because I said “I do”, it doesn’t mean I don’t! TILDA What do you mean, Joey?37 SONG: HAPPY HUNTING HORN JOEY DON’T WORRY GIRLS, I'M ONLY ON VACATION, NOT OUT OF CIRCULATION, DON’T WORRY, GIRLS. DON'T WORRY, GIRLS, WHILE I STILL HAVE MY EYESIGHT YOU'RE GOING TO BE IN MY SIGHT; DON'T WORRY, GIRLS. YOU NEVER CAN ERASE THE HUNTER FROM THE CHASE. SOUND THE HAPPY HUNTING HORN, THERE'S NEW GAME ON THE TRAIL NOW WE'RE HUNTING FOR QUAIL, NOW, HAPPY LITTLE HUNTING HORN. PLAY THE HORN, BUT DON’T PLAY THE CORN, THE MUSIC MUST BE NICE, NOW, WE'RE HUNTING FOR MICE, NOW, HAPPY LITTLE HUNTING HORN. DANGER’S EASY TO ENDURE WHEN YOU'RE OUT TO CATCH A BEAUT, LIE IN AMBUSH, BUT BE SURE WHEN YOU SEE THE WHITES OF THEIR EYES - DON'T SHOOT! PLAY THE HORN FROM NIGHT TO MORN, JUST PLAY, NO MATTER WHAT TIME, PLAY, “THERE'LL BE A HOT TIME!” HAPPY LITTLE HUNT ~ BANG! BANG! — ING HORN (There is a big comic dance number that has JOEY always on the verge of being caught in flagrante with the BRIDESMAIDS while being pursued by his arms-bearing BRIDE.) JOEY PLAY THE HORN FROM NIGHT TO MORN, JUST PLAY, NO MATTER WHAT TIME, PLAY, “THERE'LL BE A HOT TIME!” HAPPY LITTLE HUNT —38 GIRLS BANG! BANG! JOEY ING HORN (Song ends. Drunks applaud, barely.) DRUNK #1 Wunnerful DRUNK #2 Supoib. Supoib ene’tainment. JOEY Yeah, yeah, okay, get outta here ~ show's over. (Drunks grumble and start off. GIRLS have danced off at end of number without taking a call. JOEY lights a cigarette. GIRLS start back in with their coats on.) TILDA What a night! Are we goin’ to Max’s or Hamburger Happiness? JANET & THE KID Max's. DIANE Say, Joey, is Mike really givin’ ya the boot? JOEY Looks that way, Diane. JANET Ya wanna come with us tonight? We're goin’ to Max’s. JOEY ‘Aw thanks, that’s nice of ya, but tonight I just wanna....smoke. THE KID Well...goodnight, Joey. JANET We'll miss ya.39 GIRLS (variously) Yeah...good night...g’bye. (They head off. VAL stays behind a moment. EXIT dialogue: TILDA: Ya staying with me again tonight, Cookie? COOKIE: Nah, I'm back with my boyfriend. TILDA: I thought he was mad. COOKIE: He got happy!) VAL Treally am sorry if you're going, Joey. JOEY Well, I'll miss ya, Val. You were real good tonight in the number. (Moving in.) I was thinkin’ Iwas gonna give ya a real spot, ya know? — your own sog and everything. I was hoping for that. VAL Really? (GLADYS enters; VAL sees her.) Well, someday, maybe. G'night, Joey. (Exits.) GLADYS Hear you lost your job — I'm tenderin’ my regrets. JOEY I'm just thinkin’ of movin’ on ... to explore other offers. GLADYS Other offers! Onliest offer you got is from the government offerin’ to let you pay you back taxes — other offers. JOEY I thought we had a nice litte thing once upon a time — what's this part about? I never did anything to get angry about. GLADYS Never did anything to get angry about? All this time and you still don’t get it. JOEY ‘Anyway, this isn’t the only crib in town — plenty a places for Joey Evans, ya can be sure of that, an’ the next one’s gonna stick — GLADYS You're forgettin’: I know you. JOEY (with controlled anger) Ya know what your problem is? You're stuck in the past. Well, ya better get out of it, cause the past? That's where losers live.GLADYS ...Many happy returns of the occasion, Mr. Evans. It'll be so cheery here without you~ I think I'll buy myself a pretty hat an’ celebrate. JOEY ‘You -- ! (She exits. MIKE comes on.) MIKE Whaddya hangin’ around for? I’m tryin’ to close this place up...(with contempt:) Mrs Prentiss Simpson. (At that moment there comes a banging on the door.) Nobody's here, everybody's gone. (Banging keeps up.) Aw, Christ. (He goes to open the door.) VERA (off-stage) Good evening. MIKE (backing in) Come in, Mrs. Simpson. VERA My, what a nice reception. (She comes down, followed by ARMOUR, stiffly smashed.) MIKE Sorry we're all closed up, Mrs. Simpson. (ARMOUR staggers; MIKE catches him.) But can fix you up with a powder. (ARMOUR staggers and MIKE guides him to table.) VERA That would be so very kind of you. Scotch and plain water is fine for me. Nothing for him, MIKE (to JOEY as he goes off) I don’t pay off yet. (VERA removes a chair form table and sits down across from JOEY) VERA Your look ~ there's an unmistakable, I don’t know, “Go to hell” quality about it — or am I reading you wrong? JOEY Go to hell. VERA Tread you right.41 JOEY Why the hell couldn't you come back earlier? VERA Earlier — well, earlier I was...elsewhere. (MIKE arrives with the drink.) Oh, you blesses, blesses, charming, handsome man, I could kiss you for this MIKE Compliments of the house. JOEY Okay, okay, you brought the lady the powder, now why don’t you go take one? (MIKE exits. VERA takes a long, intense drink.) JOEY You drink too much. VERA What did you say? JOEY A lady knocks back two or three, it means she’s a friendly gal, knows how to have a good time. Six or seven, though, that means problems. Last night, you said, you didn’t have any sad stories. See, I remember. But don’t you? Seven, eight drinks a night, afore long it shows on your face. Don’t drink — don’t drink so much, it’s too nice a face. (VERA puts down the drink, pushes it slightly away, leaving her hand on the table — JOBY takes it, holds it, lets it go.) VERA You are a surprise. Thank you for your concern about my face and all, but, no, you ‘guessed wrong — I may have had a few tonight, but that was tonight, tonight I needed a little boost, you see, before leaping off a tall bridge... JOEY Is that what you're doing? VERA ---Oh what do you think I am? JOEY Tdon’t know what you are ~ but what I'm wonderin’ is...where is this all leadin’ exactly?42 VERA (awkwardly) Where this is all leading is... have rather a rich full life, you know... have many very lovely things. JOEY know — VERA. So it seems a shame — it seems rather a large shame ~ to be missing - God! This is coming out so ~ JOEY May I come home with you tonight? (Pause.) ‘VERA ‘You may. JOEY Tl get my coat. You wait in the car. (He exits. VERA gathers her fur around her. MIKE enters with glasses, water pitcher, etc.) MIKE You're going? VERA Yes. MIKE (gestures toward ARMOUR) ‘What about the gentleman? VERA Oh!...He'll find his way home. (She exits.) (OEY re-enters.) MIKE Where you rushin’ off to? JOEY Mike ~a gentleman never tells. MIKE What? Come on...how the hell d’ya swing that?43 JOEY (sings) THERE'S A GREAT BIG TOWN ON A GREAT BIG LAKE CALLED CHICAGO MIKE Idon't believe it~ JOEY IT’S A BIG RICH TOWN IF YOU GET A BREAK AND I'VE FOUND MY BREAK Ya owe me. (He exits, Drummer enters.) DRUMMER Mike ~ (He air drums with his sticks, meaning “Let's go.”) MIKE Hey, you— (ARMOUR rouses slightly; MIKE looks at drummer.) Closin’ time...ACT ONE, SCENE SEVEN VERA'S bedroom, very late. The only light is the light coming in from the window where VERA stands - JOEY is in her bed, underneath her silk sheets, in a state of luxurious near-sleep — she looks at him; she’s had a good time — from the smile on his face, so has he. VERA Hey! JOEY Mmm... VERA You should go. JOEY (negative) Mm-mm... VERA Fritz might see you if you stay...(He sighs, stretches, turns, says nothing.) Then again, why don’t you stay? JOEY (Hugs pillow, laughing) Mn-hm... VERA Mn-hm....(She sits in a chair a short distance from the foct of the bed, lights a cigarette, looks at him, stretches her leg so her foot touches his. Recurrent throughout the song there's subtle choreography between them as he turns an¢ stretches and she strokes or kisses or lightly touches him.)SONG: BEWITCHED 45 VERA AFTER ONE WHOLE QUART OF BRANDY LIKE A DAISY I AWAKE. WITH NO BROMO-SELTZER HANDY, IDON'T EVEN SHAKE. MEN ARE NOT A NEW SENSATION ~ I'VE DONE PRETTY WELL, I THINK. BUT THIS HALF-PINT IMITATION PUTS ME ON THE BLINK. T'M WILD AGAIN! BEGUILED AGAIN! A SIMPERING, WHIMPERING CHILD AGAIN! BEWITCHED, BOTHERED AND BEWILDERED AMI! COULDN'T SLEEP AND WOULDN'T SLEEP UNTIL I COULD SLEEP WHERE I SHOULDN'T SLEEP BEWITCHED, BOTHERED AND BEWILDERED AMI! LOST MY HEART, BUT WHAT OF IT? MY MISTAKE, I AGREE. HE'S A LAUGH BUT I LOVE IT BECAUSE THE LAUGH'S ON ME. APILLHEIS, BUT STILL HE IS ALL MINE AND ILL KEEP HIM UNTIL HE Is BEWITCHED, BOTHERED AND BEWILDERED LIKE ME!46 SEEN A LOT; IMEAN, A LOT BUT NOW I’M LIKE SWEET SEVENTEEN A LOT BEWITCHED, BOTHERED AND BEWILDERED AMI! I'LL SING TO HIM— EACH SPRING TO HIM - AND WORSHIP THE TROUSERS THAT CLING TOHIM. (BEWITCHED, BOTHERED AND BEWILDERED AM L) ORCHESTRA ONLY WHEN HE TALKS HE IS SEEING WORDS TO GET OFF HIS CHEST. HORIZONTALLY SPEAKING HE'S AT HIS VERY BEST VEXED AGAIN PERPLEXED AGAIN THANK GOD I CAN BE OVERSEXED AGAIN. BEWITCHED, BOTHERED AND BEWILDERED AMI. (VERA lies down beside him and twines her body around his.) BLACKOUT47 ACT ONE, SCENE EIGHT Interior of a man’s tailor. A few days later. ERNEST is speaking to a customer in a funny hat. ERNEST That looks wonderful. CUSTOMER Do you really think so? ERNEST Without a doubt. CUSTOMER All right. (Begins to pay.) Because you know, it does resemble the last one, and my wife didn’t care for the last one. ERNEST. Your wife? Well, we can’t go listening to our wives. Can you imagine what I’d look like if Listened to my wife? (JOHN DEYLE does a look.) Here’s your receipt. (CUSTOMER takes receipt, removes hat.) No, no, don’t take it off — it’s your fine new hat — wear it on the street. CUSTOMER Really? ERNEST I promise: you will get looks (CUSTOMER exits; JOEY enters) like this, lots. JOEY Yeah, who's wearing this? ERNEST Well, of course no one is. Everything is exclusive. If you bought this you’d be the only one, but Mr. Teddy Winston, the polo player — (At this moment, VERA enters. JOEY rises, the tailor drops behind.)48 JOEY (overlap) Did you lock the door? I don’t trust those elevator boys. VERA (overlap) So glad I was in town when you called. (They look at ERNEST, who is exaggerated discretion.) Well, that was smooth. Thank goodness you didn’t buy any of this stuff. JOEY What? [bought all of it. VERA * ‘Oh, no you didn’t. Now, Ernest, didn't he tell you I sent him here? You wouldn’t fob this off on a business associate of mine, would you? ERNEST Had I but known, Mrs. Simpson. But this gentleman never mentioned your name. VERA Well, that’s something. All right, throw all the stuff away and we'll start from scratch. ERNEST Very good, Mrs. Simpson, Very good ~ VERA And don’t show us any more of Teddy Winston's stuff. (to JOEY) If you started dressing like a gentleman, you might start acting like a gentleman...and we wouldn’t ‘want that, would we? JOEY But a gentleman — that’s what I gotta act like, isn’t it ~ at the Chez Joey? VERA Is that what you're calling the place? JOEY Ya like it? VERA Very nice. JOEY Yeah. Everything's gonna be very nice there ~ top drawer ~ I got it all figured out — thanks to you, Mrs. Simpson — rows of beautiful girls and a kinda foreign maitre d” an’ a tenor — like in the Follies, singin’ for the highbrows, and napkins in gold ~49 VERA A tenor! Hold on a second. Isaid I'd buy you a nice little club; Let’s not go overboard, I think the people you have right now are just charming ~ JOEY Nah — it's not enough ~ it’s cheesy, its frowzy ~ My place, it’s gotta be the sorta place where everything frowzy, everything small — it just disappears. ‘The kinda place a fella can bring his gal ~ maybe they're, who knows, sad that day ~ I start singin’ - it goes away. Maybe it’s all a con ~ maybe the only reason they're together is they're poor an’ nobody else wants ‘em an’ they’re spending their last buck that night ~ it don’t matter — true or phony — in my place it’s alla same, VERA Why, Joey - you're a romantic! JOEY (holding her) You know Iam. VERA (slipping out of his embrace) But for now — let’s make it a nice little club. JOEY But— VERA Until we see how things work out ERNEST (enters with fabric) This is something I think is quite ~ quite amusing — VERA Oh, yes, this Ido like. (VERA becomes engrossed in bolts of cloth in time to be diverted from the entrance of LINDA. She sees JOEY, stops in her tracks. As VERA and ERNEST mutter over bolts, JOEY becomes aware of her and crosses to her.) JOEY Hi, What are you doing here? LINDA This is where I work. JOEY Waddya know?50 LINDA ..-The phone's been sorta busy lately over at our place, maybe you tried to reach me and... JOEY ‘Yeah, I’ve been meanin’ to, it’s been on my mind, you know... LINDA Texpected — (By this time, VERA has become aware of the situation and is watching it coolly ~ displeased. ERNEST, noting her mood, moves to intervene, but she puts a hand on his arm to stop him.) JOEY Well, yeah, of course you would...I mean....see, this is a little bit of a hard time, right now, I’m in the middle of this business situation, very sensitive, very...if it comes off, we'll celebrate together, how about that? LINDA ‘That would be fine...I liked our time together — I mean, our whole time... was hoping... JOEY Sure, sure...me, too, (By this time, VERA has heard enough, unreins ERNEST.) ERNEST You — Miss...Uh...the girl — LINDA, Yes Mr. Emest? ERNEST Didn’t I ask you to get me those inventory forms? LINDA No. ERNEST Well then, get them. LINDA Alright.51 VERA ‘Who was that? JOEY This mouse asked me how to spell a word once. Nobody. ERNEST Now, Mr. Evans, I think I know exactly what you need, If you will follow me. (he exits) JOEY Sure. (Starts to cross. VERA puts her hand to his arm; he pauses.) VERA ‘You know, Joey, this club — it’s an awfully big investment. JOEY Yeah, I know. VERA People who make big investments expect big returns. JOEY “Course they do. VERA Sort of the exclusive situation. JOEY ‘Oh, sure, they gotta right. That's an idea I agree with one hundred percent. VERA (considering) Him...well...maybe a tenor, (OEY exits. VERA starts to leave; LINDA enters) VERA Oh, you're new here, aren't you? LINDA ‘Yes. My second week. (Recognizes her.) You're — VERA Would you do me a vast favor? LINDA (figuring it out) + What is it?52 VERA Would you ask Emest to make up a suit for my husband ~ he has his measurements ~ out of the same material he’s using for Mr. Evans? Oh, and Iwant it to be a surprise, so tell him to send it to the same address as Mr. Evans’ things — we're accepting deliveries at the same address, these days, you see — just not visitors, you know what I mean? Thanks so much. (VERA exits.) (ERNEST and JOEY come out of the fitting room.) ERNEST .--But I could have guessed to the quarter inch... Thirty-eight and a quarter shoulders, left shoulder slightly higher... JOBY (models for LINDA) So...how do you like it? LINDA (subdued) Very nice. JOEY I picked it for you. LINDA I don’t think so. JOEY ‘Whaddya talkin’ LINDA Joey, tell me again how much you hate this town, what it does to people. JOEY .-.I don’t know what you mean. LINDA Only that I get what’s going on. Good-bye, Joey. JOEY Listen — look — I'll call you later. LINDA. Don't! Ever. (Exits.) ERNEST Young woman!53 JOEY Linda! ERNEST I'm terribly sorry...(ERNEST exits.) JOEY Ah — let it alone ~ it doesn’t matter — it doesn’t matter — that’s not what I need — SONG: PAL JOEY (WHAT DO I CARE FOR A DAME?) JOEY WHAT DO I CARE FOR A DAME? WHAT DOI CARE FOR A DAME? EVERY OLD DAME IS THE SAME. IGOT A FUTURE - A ROSY FUTURE; YOU CAN BE SURE I'LL BE TOPS. I’M INDEPENDENT; T'MNO DEFENDANT. I'LL OWN A NIGHTCLUB THAT'S TOPS. AND I'LL BE IN WITH THE COPS. WHAT DO I CARE FOR THE SKIRTS? WHAT DOI CARE FOR THE SKIRTS? I'LL MAKE THEM PAY TILL IT HURTS LET THEM PUT UP TILL IT HURTS I'M GOING TO OWN A NIGHT CLUB IT’S GOING TO BE THE RIGHT CLUB. FOR THE SWELL GENTRY — IT’S ELEMENT’RY I'LL WEAR TOP HAT AND CANE IN CHEZ JOEY THEY'LL PAY JOEY THE GAY JOEY ~ ICAN SEE IT PLAIN. (An elaborate BALLET in which JOEY'S vision of the club — smoke, unbelievably glittering ~ comes into place. He presides with VERA at his side.) END OF ACT ONEACT TWO, SCENE ONE One letter ata time, the sign CHEZ JOEY lights up. Then full up on the place itself. A. gaudily sentimental production number, all the girls dressed like flowers. SONG: FLOWER GARDEN OF MY HEART LUDLOW LOWELL IHAVEN’T GOT A GREAT BIG YACHT BUT I'M CONTENTED WITH MY LOT I'VE GOT ONE THING MUCH MORE BEAUTIFUL AND GRAND 1DO NOT OWN A RACING HORSE BUT THAT DON’T FILL ME WITH REMORSE I POSSESS THE FINEST SHOW-PLACE IN THE LAND TO A LOVELY SPOT OUT YONDER. LUDLOW IN THE FLOWER GARDEN OF MY HEART I'VE GOT VIOLETS AS BLUE AS YOUR EYES I'VE GOT DAINTY NARCISSUS AS SWEET AS YOUR KISSES AND LILLIES AS PURE AS THE SKIES. IN THE FLOWER GARDEN OF MY HEART I'VE GOT ROSES AS RED AS YOUR MOUTH JUST TO KEEP OUR LOVE HOLY ['VE GOT GLADIOLI AND SUNFLOWERS FRESH FROM THE SOUTH. BUT YOU ARE THE ARTIST AND LOVE IS THE ART IN THE FLOWER GARDEN OF MY HEART. GIRLS AAH AAH AAH AAH AAH AAH AAH AAH AAH AAH AAH AAH AAH AAH AAH AAAAHH AAH AAH AAHGIRLS IN THE FLOWER GARDEN OF MY HEART I'VE GOT DAISIES TO TELL ME YOU'RE TRUE OH, THE WEST WIND WILL WHISK US THE SCENT OF HIBISCUS AND HEATHER THAT’S SMOTHERED WITH DEW IN THE FLOWER GARDEN OF MY HEART I'VE GOT LILACS AND SWEET PEAS. YOU WILL LOOK LIKE SWEET WILLIAM AND SMELL LIKE A TRILLIAM SURROUNDED BY FOND BUMBLE BEES, BUT YOU ARE THE PASTRY AND I AM THE TART. IN THE FLOWER GARDEN OF MY HEART. (Applause as THE GIRLS exit. The Club is clearly improved from the old days, but no match for JOEY’S fantasy of it. MIKE is tending bar and a CUSTOMER is talking to him.) CUSTOMER So, ya happy? MIKE Happy? ‘Bout what? CUSTOMER ‘New place — openin’ night — lookin’ pretty resplendent — ‘MIKE: Yeah. Posh. CUSTOMER Say — you used to tend bar? MIKE Doin’ lotsa stuff I didn’t useta — tendin’ bar — public relations — I'm a kinda general factotum of all trades ya might call me. Anyway, it’s only temporary, the regular guy got the ax. CUSTOMER On accounta how come? MIKE Ahh — I don’t know, breathed funny, maybe. Don’t take much these days.CUSTOMER ‘Wasn’t you gonna buy this joint yourself, upon a time? MIKE You're talkin’ ancient history, now. I got beat to it. CUSTOMER Sorry to hear it. MIKE Well - the other people made a better offer; they were payin’ money. CUSTOMER So...ya happy? MIKE Here’s your drink. (Lights go up on stage are. JOEY enters, applause.) JOEY ‘Thank you very, very much, ladies and gentlemen. All you clubgoers out there, you goodtime Charlies, you nightspot habitués, too. Welcome to the Chez Joey. You Lakeshore Drive types, I wanna thank your limousines for lettin’ ya know they can make it alla way out her to the South Side — an’ you local regulars — if you're suppin’ with us tonight, don’t leave crumbs. Heh-heh, friendly humor. All right. At thi time, I'd like to sing a little number — (VALERIE enters, dressed as an exceptionally voluptuous GIRL REPORTER.) VALERIE You Mistah Evans? JOEY Wha ~ what is this? Who you? ‘VALERIE I'ma (hip bump, drum comment) Girl Reporter and I'm here to get your story. JOEY My story, eh: well, as you can see, I’m busy entertainin’ the people — VALERIE ‘Oh, yeah? Do the people know that? JOEY Why, you —VALERIE Hey, Mistah, can we please get on with this, please? I got a deadline an’ if I miss it, they print my story on the back page! JOEY Is that so terrible? VALERIE Oh, yeah! You don’t know how hard it is for a Girl Reporter who don’t have nothin’ up front, JOEY (looks to audience, rolls eyes) Say, Miss Reporter, what rag do you work for any-hoo? VALERIE ‘The Daily Mail-Examiner. JOEY You don’t say! Well, sugar, you can examine my ~(drum interrupts rudely) Right, right, move it along, move it along. Say, Miss Reporter, this must be quite a “scoop” for you, getting’ to talk to a big impresario type such as myself, huh? VALERIE ‘You kiddin’? You don’t know the types I interviewed JOEY ‘Such as who, such as? (VALERIE sings.) SONG: ZIP VALERIE I'VE INTERVIEWED LESLIE HOWARD. AND I’VE INTERVIEWED NOEL COWARD I'VE INTERVIEWED THE GREAT STRAVINSKY BUT MY GREATEST ACHIEVEMENT IS THE INTERVIEW I HAD WITH THE STAR WHO WORKED FOR MINSKY. IMET HER AT THE YANKEE CLIPPER AND SHE DIDN'T UNZIP ONE ZIPPER ISAID, “MISS LEE YOU ARE SUCH AN ARTIST, TELL ME WHY YOU NEVER MISS. WHAT DO THINK OF WHILE YOU WORK?” AND SHE SAID,” WHILE I WORK MY THOUGHTS GO SOMETHING LIKE THIS:ZIP! WALTER LIPPMAN WASN'T BRILIANT TODAY, ZIP! WILL SAROYAN EVER WRITE A GREAT PLAY? ZIP! I WAS READING SCHOPENHAUER LAST NIGHT ZIP! AND I THINK THAT SCHOPENHAUER WAS RIGHT. IDON’T WANT TO SEE ZORINA, IDON’T WANT TO MEET COBINA ZIP! I'M AN INTELLECTUAL. IDON’T LIKE A DEEP CONTRALTO. OR A MAN WHOS VOICE IS ALTO, ZIP! I'M A HETEROSEXUAL. ZIP! YOU HAVE ASKED ME WHAT I THINK WHILE I WORK. ZIP! I'VE AN INTELLECTUAL QUIRK. ZIP! I CONSIDER DALI’S PAINTING PASSE. ZIP! CAN THEY MAKE THE METROPOLITAN PAY? ZIP! ENGLISH PEOPLE DON’T SAY CLERK THEY SAY CLARK ZIP! ANYBODY WHO SAYS CLARK IS A JARK. IHAVE READ THE GREAT CABALA AND I SIMPLY WORSHIP ALLAH. ZIP! 1 AM JUST A MYSTIC. IDON’T CARE FOR WHISTLER’S MOTHER, CHARLEY’S AUNT, OR SHUBERT’S BROTHER ZIP! I'M MISOGYNISTIC, ZIP! IT TOOK INTELLECT TO MASTER MY ART. ZIP! EVERY MOVEMENT FROM THE HEART, ZIP! TOSCANINI LEADS THE GREATES OF BANDS; ZIP! JERGEN’S LOTION DOES THE TRICK FOR HIS HANDS. ZIP! ZIP VAN WINKLE ON THE SCREEN WOULD BE SMART. ZIP! TYRONE POWER WILL BE CAST IN THE PART. IT ADORE THE GREATEST CONFUCIUS, AND THE LINES OF LUSCIOUS LUCTUS. ZIP! 1AM SO ECLECTIC; IDON’T CARE FOR EITHER MICKEY— MOUSE AND ROONEY MAKE ME SICKY. ZIP! I'M A LITTLE HECTIC. ZIP! MY INTELLIGENCE IS GUIDING MY HAND. ZIP! WHO THE HELL IS SALLY RAND? (After ZIP ends, scene shifts backstage ~ JOEY’S dressing room and hallway outside it. Girls race in and out of other doors, gabbing, not too dressed. JOEY is at his table changing and making up for next number. VALERIE pops her head in his door.)VALERIE Joey JOEY Hey ~come in here — ya done great! VALERIE Did 1? I was so nervous; I almost forgot the words one time. JOEY Nobody noticed — nobody noticed — Ya had a quality, ya know who you reminded me of? VALERIE Who? JOEY Trene Dunne! ‘VALERIE ‘You’re just sayin’ things. JOEY Hey this is me. VALERIE You're makin’ me feel good — JOEY ‘That's what I'm here for ~ But I’m thinkin’ ~ We could use to do some refinements on the act together. VALERIE Refinements? JOEY ‘Small things, refinements, Maybe ya should come over to my apartment some night an’ (LUDLOW LOWELL, the tenor, enters.) LUDLOW Joey ~ JOEY (brusque) ‘Whaddya want?LUDLOW How was I? VALERIE ‘You were wonderful. LUDLOW Was 1? VALERIE Oh, yes! LUDLOW (appreciating her) And you — what a gift! JOEY Okay, Ludlow, everybody loves ya, now why’n’t ya get ready for your next number? LUDLOW I don’t go on again until tomorrow. JOEY Then go home! LUDLOW (exits.) Good night JOEY (back to VAL) Tenors! So, like I was sayin’, maybe we oughta ~ (GLADYS storms in.) GLADYS Joey, what the hell is — Oh, hi, Val. VALERIE Hi, Glad. GLADYS(sullen) Ya did okay out there. VALERIE ‘Thanks — thanks a lot ~I better ~ I'll talk to ya later, Joey.JOEY Yeah, sure. (VAL exits) Boy, the personnel in this joint got timin;. (He plays this part of the scene mostly to the mirror while prepping himself.) GLADYS ‘What the hell is goin’ on? Mike told me you’re takin’ away one of my spots and givin’ it to Val. JOEY Yeah, she’s getting’ a promotion. GLADYS She can’t sing. Didja hear her out there — she was flat! JOEY Not where it counted — no sir ~ not where it counted — where'd my studs go? You here for somethin’ useful? ‘Cause if not, why'n’t ya get ready for the number? GLADYS Tam ready, JOEY You're gonna go on stage lookin’ like that — what the hell, they say pride is a sin — GLADYS You son-of-a- JOEY Hey-hey-hey—no swearin’ in this establishment ~ we're tryin’ to maintain a tone here, not like durin’ your day. The studs. GLADYS Why are you doin’ this? T wanna know! JOEY Ya wanna know? Okay: look inna mirror an’ know. (Forces her into the mirror.) Ya got bags under your eyes. Ya drink, ya don’t show up half the time, more reasons? I don’t like ya. I kept ya on to be nice, but I don’t like the way ya been performin’ so you're back on the line. GLADYS ‘You're not gonna get away with this— JOEY Hey — you forget ~ this is my place, now ~GLADYS Yeah - for another week, maybe ~ JOEY ‘What's that? GLADYS Nothin’. JOEY What did ya say? GLADYS That’s about as long as it takes before ya get drummed outta any town, isn’t it? JOEY ‘You're talking through your hat ~ GLADYS ‘Yeah? What about Cleveland? You was offsides with the Mayor’s daughter, weren't ya? That lasted about six moriths ~ an’ then Cincinnati — less than that ~ an’ we ain’t even outta Ohio yet - JOEY ‘What - ya sic a Pinkerton on me or something? GLADYS. Word travels — but not as fast as Joey Evans ~ JOEY (with increasing fury) Yeah? Well, I'm not travellin’ anymore, ya get me? I’m through with that. This is my home now — this is where I live. So if ya got some ideas about trailin’ me around with that stuff ya think ya know about me, skip it ~ MIKE (enters) Joey ~ Glad — hey, come on ~ they can hear ya out front - JOEY (over) Skip it — forget about it — ‘cause you're nobody — nothin’ — and what's more ~ you're fired — GLADYS. What! MIKE Joey — come on —10 GLADYS. ‘Yaccan’t do that! JOEY The funny part is...I can. THERE’S A GREAT NEW CRIB IN THIS GREAT BIG TOWN AN’ IT’S MY CRIB MIKE Glad’s been here long as I have — you can’t treat people that way ~ JOEY Can't! Can't! Who are you ta tell me “can’t”! Looka the sign out front. This is the “Chez Joey” now ~ ya get me? This is my place Nobody else The place [been lookin’ for My whole goddamn life. (to GLADYS) You you're finished. (To MIKE) An’ you — you better watch yourself, every step, ‘cause you're walkin’ on my ground now an’ the time you're takin up is my time! (To GLADYS) Get yourself together, they're playin’ your swan song, (MIKE and GLADYS look at each other) (The scene shifts back to the club. JOBY and GLADYS on stage.) SONG: PLANT YOU NOW, DIG YOU LATER JOEY SWEETHEART, THE DAY IS WANING MUST GO WITHOUT COMPLAINING, TIME FOR AUF WIEDERSEHENING, NOW. DON’T LET THIS SAD DISCLOSURE RUFFLE YOUR CALM COMPOSURE SMILE AT THE ONE WHO KNOWS YOU, EVRY WHIM. WAIT FOR HIM, NOW.u WHERE’S THE CHECK? GET ME THE WAITER. I'M NOT GOING TO STAY, PLANT YOU NOW, DIG YOU LATER, I'M ON MY WAY. MY REGRET GET ME THE WAITER. I'M NOT GOING TO STAY, PLANT YOU NOW, DIG YOU LATER, I'M ON MY WAY. MY REGRET COULDN'T BE GREATER AT HAVING TO SCRAM. PLANT YOU NOW, DIG YOU LATER, I'M ON THE LAM. BYE-BYE, MY HEP CHICK, SOLID AND TRUE. I'LL KEEP IN STEP ~ CHICK, TILL I DIGGING FOR YOU. SO, LITTLE POTATER, STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE, PLANT YOU NOW, DIG YOU LATER MEANS AU REVOIR, JUST AU REVOR! GLADYS. I KNOW YOUR TIME IS MONEY AND THOUGH YOU LEAVE ME, SONNY WE'LL HAVE A FUTURE HONEY-MOON RIGHT NOW IT’S TIME TO START YOUR FAREWELLS THAT MEAN DEPART-URE | I'LL KEEP DEEP IN MY HEART YOUR ALL FOR ME CALL FOR ME SOON.12 MY REGRET GET ME THE WAITER. I'M NOT GOING TO STAY, PLANT YOU NOW, DIG YOU LATER, I’M ON MY WAY. MY REGRET COULDN'T BE GREATER, AT HAVING TO SCRAM. PLANT YOU NOW, DIG YOU LATER, 1'M ON THE LAM. BYE-BYE, MY HEP CHICK, SOLID AND TRUE. TLL KEEP IN STEP - CHICK, ‘TILL1COME DIGGING FOR YOU, YOU, YOU. BOTH SO, LITTLE POTATER, STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE, PLANT YOU NOW, DIG YOU LATER MEANS AU REVOIR!13 ACT TWO, SCENE TWO JOEY’S apartment. VERA lies on the unmade bed in a beautiful silk robe. Joey is half-dressed; they're both reading newspapers. JOEY (throws paper away in disgust) Aah! VERA (reading) “The Chez Joey is a nice addition to the nighttime scene” — that’s lovely. (JOEY grumbles; VERA reads form another paper) “We had a good time; perhaps you will, too.” Joey, these are marvelous. JOEY They're not “marvelous”. (Reads from one.) “Rough around the edges, but in the center oh-so-smooth.” What does that mean — what does that even mean? VERA Well — JOEY Whatever it means, it’s not “marvelous”. VERA Well, they're very good. You should be celebrating ~ champagne — Oysters Rockefeller —me, JOEY (kisses her neck) You I've had. VERA (sort of purring) Yes, you have. JOEY (looks at another paper, tosses it aside) Aah —! VERA This is ridiculous ~ JOEY know. (Beat.) It’s just...somethin’s missin’ — somethin’s not workin’. Beat.)14 VERA Not working? JOEY In the club. VERA ‘Ah! JOEY ‘What's that mean? VERA I’m just wondering: What's missing — is it something that’s not working in the club? Or is it a mousie that’s working in a shop? (Beat.) JOEY Ya don’t know what you're talkin’ about. Beat.) ‘VERA Ant JOEY Are you getting” your throat examined or somethin’ — what’s with the “ah” bit? VERA ‘Why were you standing outside Emnest’s for such a long time the other day? JOEY You got spies workin"? VERA Thave friends about in the world. JOEY Iwas going to buy clothes. VERA Outside the shop? You're not going sentimental on me, are you, Joe? (Beat.) I like what we have. I'd had it if'a shopgit! —15 JOEY Shopgirls, I buy things from, end of story...For everythin’ else - I've got you. But all I want, baby ~ the only thing I want...is to make you happy. (He embraces her now from the back. We can see something a little troubled creeping into his face, hear something just a litle stilted in his delivery.) To make you happy...the way you make me happy. VERA Say that often enough and I’ll start to believe you. JOEY Believe me! (She turns and looks at him. He kisses her.) I do make you happy, VERA (stretching happily on the bed) Oh, yes ~ you make me happy. (He climbs on next to her.) But Joey ~ JOEY What? VERA Nix on the shopgirls. JOEY Just us. (Sings.) ING: IN OUR LITTLE DEN OF UITY JOEY JUST TWO LITTLE LOVEBIRDS ALL ALONE IN A LITTLE COZY NEST WITH A LITTLE SECRET TELEPHONE (UNHOOKS IT) THAT'S THE PLACE TO REST. ARTIFICIAL ROSES ‘ROUND THE DOOR — THEY ARE NEVER OUT OF BLOOM ~ AND A FLOWERED CARPET ON THE FLOOR VERA, IN THE LOVING ROOM IN OUR LITTLE DEN OF INIQUITY OUR ARRANGEMENT IS GOOD JOEY IT’S MUCH MORE HEALTHY LIVING HERE.16 VERA THIS RUSHING BACK HOME IS BAD, MY DEAR JOEY IHAVEN’T CAUGHT A COLD ALL YEAR. BOTH KNOCK ON woop! IT WAS EVER THUS, SINCE ANTIQUITY, ALL THE POETS AGREE VERA THE CHAMBERMAID IS VERY KIND, SHE ALWAYS THINKS WE'RE SO REFINED, OF COURSE, SHE’S DEAF AND DUMB AND. BLIND -- BOTH NO FOOLS, WE - IN OUR LITTLE DEN OF INIQUITY VERA IN OUR LITTLE DEN OF INIQUITY JOEY FOR A GIRLY AND BOY VERA WE'LL SIT AND LET THE HOURS PASS, A CANOPY BED HAS SO MUCH CLASS, JOEY AND SO’S A CEILING MADE OF GLASS ~ BOTH OH, WHAT JOY! LOVE HAS BEEN THAT WAY, SINCE ANTIQUITY DOWN TO YOU AND ME, VERA THE RADIO I USED HATE BUT NOW WHEN IT IS DARK AND LATE TCHAIKOVSKY’S “1812” SOUNDS GREAT ~ THAT'S FOR ME,7 BOTH IN OUR LITTLE DEN OF INIQUITY (A brief dance between JOEY and VERA.) JOEY WE'RE VERY PROPER FOLKS YOU KNOW VERA WE'VE SEPARATE BEDROOMS COMME IL FAUT. THERE’S ONE FOR PLAY AND ONE FOR SHOW. BOTH YOU CHASE ME IN OUR LITTLE DEN OF INIQUITY18 ACT TWO, SCENE THREE (The TAILOR SHOP. The CUSTOMER from Act I is wearing an even sillier hat. LINDA writes up the receipt. ERNEST fawns.) ERNEST Much better. CUSTOMER Do you really think so? ERNEST Oh, my — beyond doubt. CUSTOMER Because my wife didn’t care for the last one at all. ERNEST Well — we must always listen to our wives. Where would we be if we didn’t? LINDA (gives him receipt) There you go. CUSTOMER ‘Thank you, Miss English. (Adjusts hat in mirror.) Yes, I think my wife is going to like this one a lot. LINDA Really? CUSTOMER ‘Yes. LINDA Td like to meet your wife CUSTOMER ['ll bring her along next time. Well ~ ta. (He exits.) LINDA (to ERNEST) ‘These are the order forms you were looking for, Mr. Emest, and I’ve done all the totals. They're —19 ERNEST Yes, yes, yes, now where are the — (JOEY enters.) Why Mr. Evans, how can I help you? (LINDA iooks up — it’s the first time she’s seen him in a long while.) JOEY I’m lookin’ for another tux — and maybe a dinner jacket - and some cuff links — ERNEST Well, we certainly have plenty of all those ~ now let me see — JOEY ‘Iwas wonderin’ if Miss English could help me — ERNEST Oh — oh well that’s - that’s LINDA. Thave the books to go over, Mr. Ernest ~ JOEY Just for the feminine touch, ya know —I been missin’ that — the feminine touch ~ in my clothes, I mean. ERNEST Certainly. I'll just - P'll...(He exits. LINDA and JOEY are alone. A moment, then LINDA crosses to the rack.) LINDA ‘These are the tuxes over here. It’s a fairly standard selection. I think that — JOEY Hi. LINDA This has been very popular lately. JOEY Talk to me. LINDA Tam talking to you ~ If you notice the sleeves are — JOEY Why are ya doin’ this t’me?20 LINDA This is where I work. Thave alot to do. If you're serious about buying clothes, I'll speak to you. JOEY Ya got me wrong, LINDA I don’t think so. JOEY You flew off at me — why'd you do that? LINDA I saw what was happening. JOEY ‘Ya thought ya did! All that — that was just business. LINDA Oh, Joey, please, there are actually whole days when I’m not an idiot, so don’t tell me that was business ~ JOEY Look — she put up the dough for the club — So, what am I supposed to do? Ignore her? If she wants me to be polite, even charm her a little, why not? That’s what I had to do an’ it’s over not. Through. Look, I’m not a saint, Linda ~ I got ambition — I wanna make something of myself, I told ya that straight off ~ LINDA Inever thought you were a saint —I don’t want a saint! I didn’t even think you were an especially good man...but I thought you would be good to me. Beat.) JOEY When we were together...it’d never been that way for me. Couldn't you tell? ‘That doesn’t lie. It can’t. when ya ran out, I said to myself, “Okay, if that’s how it is, hell with her.” But...no soap. I can’t stop thing about ya, never happened t’me before, L...care for ya, Linda. I don’t know what else t’say. (Beat, He touches her. LINDA is very nearly won over, and confused.) LINDA I’m supposed to be....selling you clothes...2 JOEY Yeah, yeah, sure...listen, I'll take this (pulls something off the rack)...an’ this...an’ this. LINDA I wanted you to -! (Interrupts herself.) JOEY Say it LINDA .T wanted everything to keep happening. JOEY So did LINDA Istill do. (He kisses her; she yields, then breaks it off.) I'm supposed to be working...Are you really taking this stuff? JOEY Sure, why not? Deliver it on over to the club, every bit of it, ya got my sizes on file. LINDA (beat; smiles at him, “works” again) Who do we bill to? JOEY Ya know ~ the usual party. LINDA «The usual party? JOEY ‘Yeah. LINDA The usual party. JOEY Well, you know, I mean... (MUSIC starts under. LINDA gets really angry.) LINDA Ican’t believe it! I can’t believe I listened to you! What an idiot I am!22 JOEY Linda LINDA SONG: A LOVELY DAY FOR MURDER HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF ST. BARTHOLEMEW’S DAY? OR THE DAY WHEN THEY TOOK OUR LIQUOR AWAY? OR THE DAY WHEN THE TROJANS WERE FOOLED BY ULYSSES? THAT MAKES THOSE DAYS LOOK LIKE SISSIES JOEY Linda, what are you talking about? LINDA WHAT A LOVELY DAY FOR MURDER! 1COULD SPIT IF THERE’S ANY DAY FOR A MURDER, THIS IS IT. OH, WE’LL NEVER VISIT THE PARSON SOISAY FOR SEDUCTION, ROBB'RY AND ARSON WHAT A DAY! JOEY Look, you're getting’ it wrong again — LINDA ICOULD CHOKE MY GRANDMOTHER WITH HER SHAWL. 1 COULD TURN REPUBLICAN IN THE FALL. OH. IT GETS ABSURD AND ABSURDER, SOISAY IF YOU CARE TO JOIN ME IN MURDER, BUSTER, IT’S THE LOVLIEST DAY! (MUSIC continues) JOEY You gotta listen — LINDA [’ve taken your order, we have your sizes, and you told me who’s paying the bill, I think you're through here —JOEY told you - it’s business, nothing else ~ why don’t you ~ LINDA OH. IT GETS ABSURD AND ABSURDER, SOISAY IF YOU CARE TO JOIN ME IN MURDER, BUSTER, IT’S THE LOVLIEST DAY! Joey — if you can ever figure out what’s real — call me—Until then, stay away. I don’t want anything to do with you. JOEY (touching her) Linda. LINDA. Go. JOEY (Sadly.) If knew how t’be what ya wanted, that’s what I’d be...because I’ve never met anyone like you. G'bye, honey. (He exits.) LINDA (turns) Joey? (ERNEST enters.) ERNEST Thope he bought big; it’s been a slow season. LINDA (running off, upset) Excuse me.....ACT TWO, SCENE FOUR The club, Workmen hang drapes. JOBY is rehearsing VAL and THE GIRLS in a hard driving tap number. DO IT THE HARD WAY VAL & THE GIRLS I TOOK THE HARD WAY WHEN I TRIED TO GET YOU YOU TOOK THE SOFT WAY WHEN YOU SAID, “WE'LL SEE.” DARLING, NOW LL LET YOU DO IT THE HARD WAY NOW THAT YOU WANT ME. (THE GIRLS slump, exhausted.) JOEY Stinks. Ah—T'll think of somethin’, Get outta here ~ lunch! JANET About time... MILLIE I'm starvin’ — JOEY Yeah right, tell it to your union ~ COOKIE Hey, Tilda, can I stay with you tonight? TILDA Your boyfriend go mad again, Cookie? (COOKIE nods.) Well, that big mattress is still empty. Say, it's a lucky thing for you nobody ever falls in love with me. COOKIE Oh, Iknow! (They exit.) JOEY (crosses to VAL) Hey, Val.25 VAL Yeah, Joey? JOEY Twas wond’rin if ya wanted to have lunch ~ LUDLOW (crosses to VAL) Val...ready? VAL I’m having lunch with Ludlow...these days, Joey. JOEY Oh, sure...(They exit.) A girl like that throwin’ herself away on a temor — it’s a cryin’ shame! (To WORKMEN) Hey, is that the color I ordered? WORKMAN #1 I don’t know — what color’d ya order? JOEY Midnight. WORKMAN #1 Ya don’t say? “Midnight”. Well that looks like midnight to me. Does that look like midnight to you, Harry? WORKMAN #2 Oh, sure! Or at the very least, Eleven-forty-five JOEY Oh. Wiseguys ~I got the Ritz Brothers here ~ listen — MIKE Joey, leave ‘em alone; if they say it’s the color, it’s the color ~ Christ, when are you gonna let up on this damn place? JOEY Hey, maybe where you live’s a pigsty ~ not me. MIKE This is not where you live. JOEY Says you. (to WORKMEN) Ah, get outta her, go to lunch. (They exit. To MIKE) You, too.26 MIKE I got work to do. JOEY Damn right! Damn right you do! (JOEY exits.) (GLADYS enters from outside.) GLADYS Hi, Mike! MIKE Holy --! Gladys! What the hell you doin’ here? GLADYS I waited till I saw Joey leave ~ I been waitin’ out there quite a while. How ya been? MIKE Great. Whatever. (Beat. Goes behind bar, wiping it, putting away glasses, etc.) I's good seein’ you, Gladys. GLADYS, but it'd be even better seein’ me go? MIKE Joey could come back any minute. GLADYS Sure, sure, I'll get to the point. MIKE What gives? GLADYS Nothin’. Only, with all my spare time, I been readin’ the papers, lately. You know who Mrs. Prentiss Simpson is? MIKE Whaddya talkin’ ~ she pays for this joint. GLADYS ‘Yeah, 1 know. But do you know who Mr. Prentiss Simpson is? MIKE Everybody does.27 GLADYS Well, I didn’t, what I didn’t know in particular was he owns Staffo Milk Products. MIKE Right. GLADYS. ‘You keep the books here, doncha Mike? MIKE ‘Yeah. Both sets. GLADYS. And in one of the sets, there must be a coupla peculiar - whaddya call ‘em — entries? Kinda hard to explain form a professional angle — like a love nest, for example. MIKE: Just say it, Glad. GLADYS Listen — I don’t much about much ~ but one thing I do know is no mama’s gonna buy milk for her babe for a company that’s tied up with immorality. And you the books to prove it. (Beat.) No mama’s gonna buy milk for a company where the head guy's off somewhere and his wife is playin’ around with some cheap club singer. ‘That's the nice thing about mamas. Are you hearin’ me? MIKE Listen, Glad, I'll give you a coupla bucks if you need it — GLADYS. A coupla bucks, an’ then what? I am down to nothin’! MIKE. You can get somethin’ else ~ somethin’ ll come along — there are other places GLADYS No, ~ that’s a buncha crap. Ihave been other places an’ they don’t exist. Even the young tootsies with their tits standin’ up straight, even they can’t find another crib, If you got a place an’ you can keep it, keep it, ‘cause it’s the last one you'll ever see... MIKE Well, I do gotta place an’ it’s here, an’ I’m not lettin’ it go. It’s crummy, an’ it’s killin’ me, but it’s mine. I’m sorry for you, Glad, I wish I could do somethin’, but I’m stayin’ here.28 GLADYS You're crazy if you think that’s true. The word is out — Joey's been to every other joint in this town lookin’ to replace you — MIKE I don’t believe that! GLADYS He found a guy. Les Demiti is comin’ for the Top Hat when it folds next month. MIKE What?,..But why? Why would he do it? Why would he get ridda me? GLADYS Why? Because he’s him. MIKE But I've done a good job —! GLADYS None of that matter...guys like Joey...Sooner or later people figure them out, and then they gotta get new people. Maybe he thinks ya been too friendly ta me ~ maybe he thinks ‘ya know somethin’ — whatever, he wants ya out ~ outta this place an outta this town, He knows damn well that even if there was an openin’ somewhere, nobody’s gonna take you ‘on, not knowin’ what they know about ya— MIKE Whaddya mean “what they know about me”? GLADYS ‘Aw, Mike, isn’t it kinda late in the day to be askin’ me a question like that? Everybody knows...I'm sorry, Mike. (Pause. MIKE tums away. Somewhere around here LINDA enters, carrying a clothing package ~ she holds back, out of sight.) Look, I don’t wanna do this any more than you, but it’s not like it’s a person we're doin’ it to ~ it’s Joey. Thinka what he does to people — we're just doin’t to him what he does to everybody. Ya got the books, ya got all the proof ya need — we can go straight to the lady, it'll be a drop in the bucket for her ~ it’s not like it’s not gonna work, (Beat.) MIKE It’s not what I am. GLADYS But it’s what you can become! All you gotta do is decide... Mike, it isn’t me either, but there’s no other place for us to go.29 (Pause) MIKE Allright. GLADYS ‘Now you're talkin’! (GLADYS becomes aware of LINDA.) How long you been there? LINDA ...Excuse me? O, I just got here, I’ve got this delivery for — MIKE That’s okay, that’s okay — what is it? LINDA, It’s from Emest’s — I was asked to deliver it her directly. It’s for Mr. Evans. MIKE Just leave it on the table. LINDA ‘You need to sign the invoice. GLADYS I'm getting’ out of here, We'll talk, Mike. MIKE Yeah, we'll talk, (THE KID and DIANE enter.) KID .An’ then he said, “I wouldn’t if I couldn’t but I could so I did”—did you evah? DIANE ‘The creep! MIKE, ‘What are you girls doin’ back so soon? DIANE We got sandwiches - why are you yellin’? MIKE I'm not! (Hands MIKES invoice to LINDA.) What are you lookin’ at?30 LINDA I’m not...I’'m not looking at anything. ..I'm sorry if I... MIKE Stop looking at me— Stop! (MIKE exits.) KID Oh, another good day! DIANE “Tween him an’ the other, I'm ready to go on the dole — (They exit. LINDA stands alone.) SONG: I STILL BELIEVE IN YOU LINDA. NEVER MEANT A WORD YOU TOLD ME ON THE UP AND UP. I WAS WISE BUT BELIEVED ALL YOUR LIES. WHEN YOU'RE NOT AROUND TO HOLD ME, LIFE’S A BITTER CUP. YOU DON’T CARE ~ EVEN THAT I CAN BEAR. BACH DAY I FIND YOU MORE UNKIND, ILOVE YOU SO, MY DEAR, THAT I DON'T MIND. SOMEHOW OR OTHER 1 BELIEVE IN YOU. NOTHING THAT YOU DO CAN CHANGE ME. THOUGH YOU MAY SAY SOME THINGS THAT HURT A LOT, SOMEHOW THEY CANNOT ESTRANGE ME. WHY DOES MY ROOM SEEM BIG AND BARE? IT’S NOT FAIR— YOU'RE NOT THERE. HOW CANILOVE YOU? YET SOMEHOW I DO- FOR I STILL BELIEVE IN YOU. (TILDA and JANET enter.)31 TILDA You’ve been doin’ (demonstrates a step). It’s really (docs slightly different step.) JANET Pavlova over here. TILDA Yeah, well I'd love to see Pavlova try a two-step. JANET Can Thelp you? LINDA, Oh! I’m sorry, no. Ijust came to deliver something. JANET Hey, are you alright? LINDA I'm fine. (The GIRLS exit.) LINDA WHY DOES MY ROOM SEEM BIG AND BARE? IT’S NOT FAIR ~ YOU'RE NOT THERE. HOW CANILOVE YOU? YET SOMEHOW IDO - FOR I STILL BELIEVE IN YOU. (The scene melts into a performance at the Club.)32 ACT TWO, SCENE FIVE The Club. VALERIE and THE GIRLS in the number we saw JOEY rehearsing, SONG: DO IT THE HARD WAY (DANCE) VALERIE FRED ASTAIRE ONCE WORKED SO HARD. HE OFTEN LOST HIS BREATH, AND NOW HE TAPS ALL OTHER CHAPS TO DEATH. WORKING HARD DID NOT RETARD THE YOUNG CAB CALLOWAY, NOW HEAR HIM BLOW HIS VO-DE-O-DO TODAY. DO IT THE HARD WAY AND IT’S BASY SAILING. DO IT THE HARD WAY AND IT’S HARD TO LOSE. ONLY THE SOFT WAY HAS A CHANCE OF FAILING; YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE. I TOOK THE HARD WAY WHEN I TRIED TO GET YOU, YOU TOOK THE SOFT WAY WHEN YOU SAID, “WE'LL SEE.” DARLING, NOW I'LL LET YOU, DO IT THE HARD WAY NOW THAT YOU WANT ME. VALERIE & THE GIRLS I TOOK THE HARD WAY WHEN I TRIED TO GET YOU, YOU TOOK THE SOFT WAY WHEN YOU SAID, “WE'LL SEE.” DARLING, NOW I'LL LET YOU DO IT THE HARD WAY NOW THAT YOU WANT ME! DO IT THE HARD WAY NOW THAT YOU WANT ME! DO IT THE HARD WAY NOW THAT YOU WANT ...ME!33 (Applause, applause, bows, etc. MUSIC changes. The spot takes on that romantic quality JOEY has wanted. “I Still Believe in You” as dance music. COUPLES slowdance. As GIRLS go backstage to change, SCENE shifts to BACKSTAGE hallway/ JOEY'S dressing room. GIRLS ad lib chatter, start changing out of costumes, etc, JOEY sticks his head out of his dressing room.) JOEY Is Mike in yet? VALERIE No, Joey, don’t think so. JOEY What the aitch is up with that guy? DIANE He didn’t call, neither. JOEY That damn Maitre D’, Romero or whatever the eff's gonna have to announce my number. KID He likes to — JOEY ‘Yeah, but all that ooze. He always sounds like he’s makin’ a salad dressin’. (VERA appears; GIRLS see her, immediately quiet down and make for t approaches JOEY, she seems nervous, less cool than usual.) ir rooms. She JOEY Why, Mrs. Simpson, come to inspect your investment. Youve been finding it to your likin’, L trust?” VERA Get in the room. JOEY (follows her into his dressing room) ‘What gives? VERA Thad a phone call from a friend of yours today.34 JOEY Who? VERA A Miss English. JOEY Yeah? What did she have to say? VERA Itseems she overheard something. A couple of employees of yours ~ It seems they're hoping to extort...a rather large sum of money from us...from me... JOEY Who? VERA _Mike. And Gladys something... JOEY ‘That’s a load of crap! Listen — I don’t know what kinda line she was feedin’ you, but she’s screwy or somethin’. VERA She didn’t sound “screwy” — not the least bit. Where is Mike anyway? I don’t want him to see me here. JOEY He never showed up tonight. Beat.) Listen ~ they're nobody ~ what’ve they got on us? VERA Mike kept the books — I'd say they've got a great deal ~ we haven’t exactly been careful JOEY Ya can go to the cops. VERA If the cops find out, so will the newspaper and then where will we be? JOEY | thought the newspapers were on your side ~35 VERA ‘Three of them are ~ the others hate us ~ Joey, I’m scared. JOEY Don’t be scared ~ Jeez, don’t be scared. What's the point of bein’ rich if your gonna be scared? Ya don’t have to pay — I know ya don’t - I mean ~ ya don’t always pay, do you? (Pause.) VERA. This is the first time it’s ever happened. JOEY (going to her, holding her) “Course it is~ I wasn’t thinking ~ ‘Course it’s the first time...I’m sorry, honey, I truly am. [never meant to cost you...more than I cost you, I mean. (RAMON enters, JOEY and VERA separate.) RAMON roduction now ~ you must tell me — long or short, long or Joey — I'm going to make th short? JOEY Long. RAMON ‘Thank you, Joey. (Exits.) JOEY Pll think of somethin’ ~ I promise you... You'll stay for the number? VERA Yes. JOEY ...Hey...Did Linda ~ I mean Miss English — did she really call you up like that, just to warn you? VERA She really did. JOEY ...Funny some people.36 (JOEY walks to right behind stage area. VERA stays behind, takes a deep breath. The scene starts shifting as she walks out of the dressing room ~ she ends up in the back of the club tables area ~ standing looking directly at JOEY as he sings.) RAMON And now, ladies and gentlemen ~ the Chez Joey is proud to present ~ that master of the balladeer’s art - that consummate entertainer — that native Chicagoan and favorite son ~ that handsome heartthrob — that spinner of dreams ~ that weaver of spells ~ the Chez. Joey’s own ~ Joey Evans! GOEY comes out, applause. ‘The place now really has become the incamation of his smoke blue fantasy.) SONG: ARE YOU MY LOVE: JOEY ARE YOU MY LOVE? THEN LIFE’S BEGUN FOR ME. ARE YOU MY LOVE? THE MOON AND SUN FOR ME? ARE YOU MY JOY? ARE YOU MY PAIN? ARE YOU MY UNIVERSE - EARTH AND HEAVEN? ARE YOU A DREAM THAT'S OVERTAKEN? IF YOU'RE A DREAM THEN DON'T AWAKEN ME MY HEART MUST KNOW OR LOSE IT’S BEAT ARE YOU MY LOVE, MY SWEET? (PATRONS rise to dance. VERA is now standing behind them all, across the stage from JOEY, staring at him while the others dance and he’s lost in the music. As the dancing continues, she picks up the song.)37 VERA ARE YOU MY LOVE? THEN LIFE’S BEGUN FOR ME. ARE YOU MY LOVE? THE MOON AND SUN FOR ME? ARE YOU MY JOY? ARE YOU MY PAIN? ARE YOU MY UNIVERSE ~— EARTH AND HEAVEN? JOEY ARE YOU A DREAM THAT’S OVERTAKEN? IF YOU'RE A DREAM THEN DON’T AWAKEN ME, MY HEART MUST KNOW VERA, MY HEART MUST KNOW JOBY OR LOSE IT’S BEAT BOTH ARE YOU MY LOVE, MY SWEET? (As the dance continues, JOEY and VERA remain opposite each other. GLADYS and MIKE appear, the DANCERS swirl offstage, the Club gives way to VERA’S living room, and the next scene begins.)38 ACT TWO, SCENE SIX VERA’S. VERA, JOEY, GLADYS, and MIKE. VERA T'd offer drinks, but... GLADYS Tcould use a little — MIKE ‘You're fine, Glad. GLADYS But — MIKE You've had enough. GLADYS (softly) No, thank you, to the drinks. VERA Why don’t we just get on with this? Now how much did you say? MIKE ‘You know; you remember. VERA Figures fly right out of my head. MIKE “Twenty. VERA ‘There, that wasn’t so hard, Thank you. (She opens her checkbook.) MIKE This has nothin’ to do with you, T mean, it’s only you on accounta...the accident of things....If you weren’t with him... You seem like a nice lady, a fine lady... You shouldn’t be with him. Nice people ~ JOEY ‘Ya better shut up.39 MIKE Nice people shouldn’t — VERA Mike, you seem to be trying to save my soul and take my money at the same time. I ‘mean ~ I'm sorry ~ I just didn’t expect this to be so muck like church. MIKE _I just wanted to say my piece. (Beat.) VERA Do you love your mother Mike? MIKE What? VERA Iwas wondering how you felt about your mother. MIKE I don’t get what you're — VERA Tlove my mother. MIKE Sure, sure, that’s a— VERA I was just wondering how you ~ MIKE Yeah, Ido. She’s my mother. VERA (she holds out check) And do you think she'd like the drummer? (MIKE, reaching for check, freezes) What I mean is, everyone has secrets. (A moment when the fate of the check is questionable. Then:) What I mean is...this will be my last donation, (MIKE slowly takes check.) JOEY But - VERA Welcome to the upper class.40 MIKE VERA You remember the way out. MIKE ..Thank you. Let’s go, Glad GLADYS Ljust wanted to say...! VERA Yes? GLADYS You have a very nice house. I always wanted to see one a these inside. (They exit.) (JOEY moves slowly to VERA, folds his arms about her.) JOEY Why did ya pay? What kinda move was that? Ya didn't have to pay. You had him. VERA Nothing’s really over until you pay. (Beat.) JOEY I'm sorry, honey. I’m sorry about all this. I only wanted to make you happy. (Beat.) VERA Really. (Beat.) What happened tonight...I don’t want it to happen again ~ JOEY Tt won't ~ VERA No, it won't ~ not if I tell my husband about all this myself. Beat.) JOEY That's not a funny joke. VERA It wouldn’t be, But what if it’s not a joke?4 JOEY -.C’mon, VERA. (maybe testing him, maybe not) Why not? What's keeping me here? A ridiculous marriage — this idiotic life — JOEY Look — VERA None of it’s really made me happy ~ you say you want to make me happy, so why not — JOEY Listen, now — VERA So why not give it all up ~ the money and the deceit and why not ~ JOEY ust stop it, okay! (Beat; they look at each other.) Imean...well, I mean...it’s not what you want, I mean — think about it ~ think about it for a second ...an’ you'll realize. Beat.) VERA, Oh yes, I realize. (She turns to her checkbook, makes out a check, hands it to him.) VERA This is for you. JOEY What is this VERA Idon’t know; a gift? JOEY What for? VERA Parting. Beat.)42 JOEY An’ who's doin’ that? VERA We are. JOEY This is nuts — Look, things have been, they've been kinda crazy tonight, but this ~ this ~ C’mon — you'll come with me to the club tomorrow ~ VERA ‘There won’t be very much more of that, I’m afraid. JOEY What are you talking about? VERA The thing is over. JOEY But VERA Your promise wasn’t all that I'd hoped ~ should anyone ask; should anyone ask, the deal is off... became too complicated. JOEY This isn’t just a deal! VERA Everything’s a deal, eventually. JOEY You gotta give me another chance — VERA I gave you a chance, you passed it up — JOEY But...you love me. VERA How is that possible? I’'m a married woman.4B JOEY Honey ~ VERA can only love one man; nothing else is possible. Nothing else is possible. (He grabs her, kisses her; she pulls away, slaps him.) Leave by the back door, won’t you? JOEY .The hell with you. I got better places [can go. (JOEY exits.) SON EWITCHED VERA WISE AT LAST MY EYES AT LAST ARE CUTTING YOU DOWN TO YOUR SIZE, AT LAST - BEWITCHED. ..BOTHERED...AND BEWILDERED... (She trails off.)ACT TWO, SCENE SEVEN ERNEST, tailor. LINDA is going over receipts with ERNEST. ERNEST ‘We don’t put the stamp in the lower right comer; we put it in the upper left comer ~T've told you this time and time again — LINDA Pethaps once before... ERNEST ‘You know, Miss...English, there are many other girls who would be just pleased as punch to have your job. LINDA Yes. But they wouldn't do it as well. ERNEST ... Well. .yes...that’s certainly true. (VERA enters with MESSRS. ARMOUR and SWIFT.) ERNEST Mrs. Simpson ~ delighted to see you—what can I do for you today? VERA Emest ~ Oh, it’s nothing very much — I’m leaving tonight for Europe— ERNEST ‘Oh, dear — and how long will we have to do without you? VERA. As long as it takes ~ Anyway, I'll be traveling with Mr. Armour and Mr. Swift; and Mr. ‘Armour and Mr. Swift feel it is imperative that they have new steamer caps, so we're wondering what you have in the way of ERNEST ~-In the way of steamer caps, yes, well, the season is upon us as, you know, so the supply has, it’s dwindled, but — LINDA ‘You can find them over here, Mr. Emest.4s VERA (to the boys) ‘Oh, you know what, boys? Why don’t you toddle on next door and buy something to play with on the trip and let me just sort of make this a surprise for you? ARMOUR Next door? Next door is an ice cream parlour. VERA Then buy some ice cream. SWIFT To take along for the trip? I doubt it'll last till Southhampton. VERA Eat it now. SWIFT Let’s go, Hank. ARMOUR We'll wait for you there. (THEY exit.) VERA Oh, Emest, I'd so love it if you'd let Miss English and me search for something alone; you know, the gir!’s point-of-view. ERNEST But— VERA, Please. ERNEST Oh! — Yes—yes—whatever you say...(He exits.) LINDA (showing a cap) This one’s rather nice. VERA Fine. ['ll take two. LINDA Oh, but we also have —VERA really couldn’t care less about the caps — I wanted to see you before I left LINDA Why? VERA, To thank you. T wasn’t very nice to you the time we met, and you didn’t have to try to help me the way you did. I wanted to see if there was anything I could do to repay you. LINDA Oh, Mrs. Simpson, I’ve been in the big city for months, don’t try to get around me. VERA Get around you? LINDA What you really came for is to see if there was any way you could protect your property while you were gone. VERA ‘You really have no idea ~ LINDA But you have nothing to worry about. I did what I did...because it seemed like the right thing. Not because I’m interested, You can have him; he’s all yours. VERA Oh, really? LINDA Really. (Sings.) SONG: TAKE HIM TAKE HIM, YOU DON’T HAVE TO PAY FOR HIM, TAKE HIM, HE'S FREE. TAKE HIM, I WON'T MAKE A PLAY FOR HIM, HE’S NOT FOR ME. HE HAS NO HEAD TO THINK WITH,47 TRUE THAT HIS HEART IS ASLEEP. BUT HE HAS EYES TO WINK WITH, YOU CAN HAVE HIM CHEAP. KEEP HIM, AND JUST FOR THE LURE OF IT, MARRY HIM TOO KEEP HIM, FOR YOU CAN BE SURE OF IT HE CAN'T KEEP YOU, SO TAKE MY OLD JALOPY, KEEP HIM FROM FALLING APART. TAKE HIM, BUT DON’T EVER TAKE HIM TO HEART. VERA THANKS LITTLE MOUSIE, FOR THE PRESENT AND ALL THAT BUT IN MY HOUSEY I WOULD RATHER KEEP A RAT. ONLY A WIZARD COULD REFORM THAT CLASS OF MALES THEY SAY A LIZARD CANNOT CHANGE HIS SCALES. TAKE HIM, I WON'T PUT A PRICE ON HIM, TAKE HIM, HE'S YOURS. TAKE HIM, PAJAMAS LOOK NICE ON HIM. BUT HOW HE SNORES. THOUGH HE IS WELL-ADJUSTED, CERTAIN THINGS MAKE HIM A WRECK. LAST YEAR HIS ARM WAS BUSTED REACHING FROM A CHECK. HIS THOUGHTS ARE SELDOM CONSECUTIVE HE JUST CAN'T WRITE. IKNOW A MOVIE EXECUTIVE WHO'S TWICE AS BRIGHT. LOTS OF GOOD LUCK, YOU'LL NEED IT AND YOU'LL NEED ASPIRIN, TOO. TAKE HIM, BUT DON’T EVER LET HIM TAKE YOU. VERA You really are a nice woman, Linda ~ and I truly do thank you. I think losing you might be a bigger shame for him. LINDA As long as he has that club, he’ll be fine. VERA Oh, but he doesn’t any more! LINDA What?48 VERA. Pe had to sell, you see... LINDA You’ ve actually found someone to buy that place? VERA A stroke of luck. Joey's there now, I believe, taking away his suits ~ I said he could keep the suits — good of me, wasn’t it? LINDA. Where will he go? VERA ‘Away, You're not going to miss him, are you? LINDA. No, Of course not. VERA. Ofcourse not. And for your sake, I hope it passes. VERA & LINDA (sing) I HOPE THAT THINGS WILL GO WELL WITH HIM; IBEAR NO HATE. ALLICAN SAY IS THE HELL WITH HIM, HE GETS THE GATE, SO TAKE MY BENEDICT TOO. TAKE IT AWAY, IT’S TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE. BLACKOUT49 ACT TWO, SCENE EIGHT ‘The Club plus a bit of the Street. Workmen are stripping the place of the last of the CHEZ JOEY glitz and putting up new curtains, etc. The CHEZ JOEY neon sign is down and it’s being replaced by something else, which we can’t quite make out yet. JOEY enters form backstage area Carrying some of his performing Clothes ~ DIANE, THE KID, and VAL enter. DIANE, You don’t do that unless he doesn’t ask; if he asks, you run in the other direction ~ THE KID Iran right to him— DIANE ‘An’ what did he say? THE KID Hallelujah! DIANE That’s what I mean — I don’t believe it! THE KID Joey! What brings you here? JOEY Getting’ some of my clothes out of storage back there before....the new proprietor... uses ‘em all for dishrags. Hi, Val. VAL Hey, Joey. DIANE So how ya been? Thaven’t seen your name anywhere... figured... JOEY Yeah, well, a little slow, it’s the season. ..So, you're going to have an openin’ soon...50 DIANE Yeah, yeah... Soon as the place is in shape... JOEY Good luck to ya... THE KID Thanks... WORKMAN Okay, Dave, flip the switch, let’s try this thing—(The sign lights — it says “GLADYS AND MIKE’S”. JOEY looks at it, looks away.) Okay, tum it off. THE KID Well, we gotta be goin’, Joey. DIANE Yeah, we gotta go... THE KID See ya aroun’ JOEY Yeah, sure...(THEY start out, VAL stops.) VAL You're taking care of yourself, aren’t ya? JOEY Always do. VAL I figured ~ We don’t need to worry about you JOEY ‘Nah — nobody ever has to worry ‘bout me...(The GIRLS leave. JOEY looks around the place.)51 SONG: ’M TALKIN TO MY PAL JOBY (sings) I’M INDEPENDENT I'M A DESCENDANT OF QUITE A FAMILY OF HEELS. I’M NEVER LONELY TAND ONLY KNOW HOW MY PAL JOEY FEELS — WHO ELSE WOULD PAY FOR MY MEALS? T'M TALKIN’ TO MY PAL MYSELF, MY CLOSEST FRIEND, AND THAT’S THE ONLY PAL ON WHOM I CAN DEPEND. WHEN I COME HOME AT NIGHT — ABIT TOO TIGHT TO SEE — MY WALLET IS ALL RIGHT; I'D NEVER STEAL FROM ME. MY FRIEND STANDS PAT WHEN I AM FLAT — HE ONLY CHEATS WHEN I DO. ICAN’T BE SURE OF GIRLS; I'M NOT AT HOME WITH MEN. TM ENDING UP WITH ME AGAIN... (LINDA enters.) LINDA Hello. JOEY Oh!...H'llo. LINDA --Theard you were leaving town. I thought I'd come by and say goodbye. I thought it'd be a shame if you left and I never said goodbye.82 JOEY Oh....Nice of you... Goodbye. LINDA Goodbye. (Beat.) Well...(She moves as though to start off.) JOEY Linda... LINDA Yes? JOEY I...meant to drop by a while back, but, you know, one thing an’ another... wanted to... mean, you did a real nice thing for me, and I just wanted you to know... wanted to... LINDA You're welcome. JOEY » Right, (Beat.) Anyway... LINDA ...What are you going to do now? JOEY Well, I’m lightin’ out, I guess you could say. Chicago’s kind of a ghost town these days, ya know, I'm tryin’ another city, more metropolitan, sorta up’n’comin’, if you know what Imean... LINDA, Where? JOBY Milwaukee. LINDA Why? JOEY ‘No one knows me in Milwaukee...Say, you're a Wisconsin girl, do you know it, is it nice, Milwaukee? LINDA Oh, sure. Milwaukee's got a lot of...you know...beer.53 JOEY ‘That’s pretty much what I figured LINDA --Why don’t you stay? JOEY Can't stay. What about you ~ you here for permanent? LINDA Even have my own apartment. JOEY Really? What do you know! LINDA It’s nothing to speak off — just one room a coupla blocks for here, but it’s mine. JOEY I guess you're seeing plenty of nice boys an’ whatnot? LINDA Oh — heaps! JOEY I'm glad for you. LINDA Tcan never remember any of their names. JOEY Huh? LINDA Imean, they're so nice. JOEY You'll find someone you like. It seems sooner or later we all do. LINDA (sings, wryly, with some humor) SOMEHOW OR OTHER, I BELIEVE IN YOU NOTHING THAT YOU CAN DO CAN CHANGE ME34 JOEY This place is startin’ to give me the creeps — LINDA THOUGH YOU MAY SAY SOME THINGS THAT HURT A LOT SOMEHOW THEY CANNOT ESTRANGE ME! JOEY I just want you to know....I just hope you know— LINDA WHY IS MY ROOM SO BIG AND BARE? IT’S NOT FAIR - YOU'RE NOT THERE ~ JOEY I'm glad to have known you~ G’bye, Linda... LINDA Joey! Don't go! JOEY Whaddya mean? LINDA bought a big steak for dinner tonight —I thought maybe I'd ask somebody over. JOEY I'm — well, I’m leaving in the mornin’ — I’ve got a lot of things to take care of an” whatnot... LINDA Oh, JOEY So I really couldn't... Thanks, though, thanks for askin” LINDA Oh...[f you change your mind, though ~ JOEY Idon’t55 LINDA If you do, though, my apartment's just two blocks down this street...3426, my name’s on the bell — JOEY Christ — I treated you really crummy! LINDA You noticed--! JOEY Yeah ~ LINDA That’s a start... JOEY .-People...people don’t come back to me; it never happens never - LINDA Some people you can trust, Joey JOBY «You're an amazin’ girl LINDA. Remember. ..3426...And if I'm not there, wait; I'll just be out buying a steak. (She leaves club, Afier a second, JOEY rushes to door, calls after her in the street.) JOEY Linda --! LINDA «What? JOEY Nothin’ LINDA T'llwait dinner. (She exits.)56 JOEY (looking after her, sings) (ORCHESTRA ONLY) AND THE WORLD DISCOVERS AS MY BOOK ENDS HOW TO MAKE TWO LOVERS OF FRIENDS. (Starts off in her direction; stops.) JOEY What the hell am I doin’— (Sings.) ICAN’T BE SURE OF GIRLS; TM NOT AT HOME WITH MEN, I’M ENDING UP WITH ME AGAIN. (OEY turns up his coat collar, pulls down his hat, and walks off swiflly in the opposite direction.) CURTAIN