12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous

By Mike Diaz
Mike D.
12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous
(916) 508-9757

Step I: “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become
unmanageable.”

Read “How It Works” in the Big Book and Step I in the 12X12.

Questions to answer:
1. What does the term “powerless over alcohol” mean to me?
2. What does the term “our lives had become unmanageable” mean?
3. Give 12 examples of things I am powerless over in my life.
4. Give 12 examples of how my life is unmanageable and what happens when I try to manage it.

1. The term powerless over alcohol to me means that I have an allergy to drugs and alcohol. That
when I put any mind-altering substance into my body my mind breaks into an intense and out of
control craving and obsession for that substance and I become powerless over the consequences
after that. I lose the ability to function rationally or control my usage of that substance and I
obsess on it over everything else with physical cravings, eventually wanting and seeking it above
everything else; family, friends, sobriety, career, finances, health,  despite the very real danger of
losing all these things in an instant. Like the Big Book says, I am without defense against that first
drink.

2. The term my life becomes unmanageable to me means that when I put in that first drink or drug
and trigger once again this allergy I have to mind-altering substances, that what follows is chaos
and a mindset of twisted priorities. All of a sudden my right way of thinking, my morals, my goals
get replaced by the obsession for more of what’s been put in and I will crave and seek to get
more of that substance to alleviate the cravings at all costs, eventually forsaking everything else,
even sanity, for the illusion of ease and comfort and relief from daily life. I cannot control this
allergy and I become unmanageable like one who is allergic to bees and becomes deathly ill once
he is stung.

3. 12 things I am powerless over in my life:

1. Drugs, including heroin, crack and pain pills.

2. Alcohol
3. Employers, job security
4. Other peoples’ personalities and opinions of me
5. The streets
6. Music industry and it’s recognition of my talents
7. The future and the economy
8. My girlfriend Karen
9. My daughter’s mother
10. The past
11. My mental diagnosis
12. My disease of addiction

4. 12 examples of how my life is unmanageable over these things:

1. I think I can control my use, minimize and romanticize the dangers despite having seen the
chaos it has caused me in the past. I start living in denial and dishonesty, keep secrets, exhibit
sneaky behavior to not get caught, get off on the thrill and the sick ritual of using, hide my usage,
become a hypocrite at meetings, begin to make poor decisions because my mind has been
altered.
2. I deny alcohol is my problem. “I never had a drinking problem it was not my drug of choice”,
despite it was always the starting point for harder stuff.
3. Stress out over if they like or don’t like me, what I can do to keep a job or fall into resentment
over them not recognizing me, burn out.
4. Get stressed, anxious, angry, judgmental back at those who don’t like me or who I perceive as
a threat, become a dark cloud of tension wherever I go, create drama if they’re perceptions of me
aren’t to my liking.
5. Think I can handle the streets better now that I’ve been sober awhile, the streets will never
change I have to be the one who is changing and that means I have no business on the streets
anymore, they chew you up and spit you out.
6. Stress over not being recognized for my songwriting. Become bitter and disillusioned with
myself, second guess my talents, withdraw into myself, close off the light that God has blessed
me with.
7. Become paranoid and manic, stress that I have to work harder, build stockpiles of weapons to
protect my family, don’t live in the moment, become fearful, listen to rumors.
8. Have resentments over her moods and attitudes toward me if she’s not paying enough
attention to my needs even though she is still healing from my cheating on her or may just be
having a bad day or into her own thing.
9. Anger and anxiety over her not approving of my recovery despite my time of being sober, not
recognizing how far I have come and how evident it is that I want to be my daughter’s father.
Bend over backwards to appease her old perceptions of me.
10. Exist in guilt and shame over things I cannot go back and change and in effect stay stuck in
remorse but I can only change the present.
11. Become disassociated with reality, become manic or severely depressed if I don’t manage my
mental illness with my meds.
12. Become in danger of relapsing into destructive behaviour if I forget or deny that I have a daily
active disease that needs it’s daily medication of meetings, the 12 steps and working with others.
Rest on my laurels of some time sober and think I no longer have the problem.
Step II: “Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”

Read chapters 2, 3 & 4 of the Big Book and Step 2 of the 12X12.

Thoughts:
“Open-mindedness: there just might be another way to live.”
“We have to have a psychic or spiritual change to stay sober.”
“Since I can’t do it alone, there has to be a power greater than me.”
“If you don’t believe in God, come up with a concept of your own god as you understand him.”

Questions to answer:

1.Give 12 examples of insane thinking.

1. I can use crack while no one is looking and I have nowhere to be. Then when I come out of my
paranoid state and am out of money and can’t sleep and am craving more and am racked with
guilt and shame that I’ll be fine to put on a normal face and pretend like nothing is wrong.
2. I can give into my lustful and flirtatious behavior and mess around with other women despite
being in a committed relationship where I’ll have to turn into a liar again and hide my eyes and
force a smile to cover up what I’ve done and avoid being broken up with and hurting my girlfriend
and ending up alone again with myself.
3. Thinking I can control my temper once I start to play into my paranoia, fear, jealousy, anger,
resentment and harsh judgment of others. Putting on the victim hat or the macho hat or the save
someone hat has always gotten me into trouble. Like the saying goes, “insanity is doing the same
thing over and over and expecting different result.”
4. Thinking I can handle more that I can: Working graveyard shifts, not sleeping well during the
day, going to school, writing songs and organizing my band, smoking, stressing, stressing about
the future, carving out time for my daughter and my family and not taking any time for something
I’d like to do, not getting a balance for my own peace of mind and risking burnout.
5. Resting on my laurels. Thinking that since I’ve been working at my sobriety and spiritual
recovery since April 2006 and have a good job, go to school, have an apartment, a car, a bank
account, a good girlfriend, good relations with my daughter and family, help out at my church,
manage my mental disorder, that I maybe no longer have my disease of addiction and can maybe
have a drink or a little bit of a drug like I see others do with impunity.
6. Thinking I can control the outcome of things like the musical talents God gave me and that if
people I’ve assembled to help me realize my dreams don’t act how I perceive the show to go that
I can mold them or replace which only makes them resent or trip out on me which only makes me
trip and try harder to make my show go as I think it should go but it’s all God’s plan not mine.
7. Thinking that if I don’t cheat with other women but still send them mixed messages when they
flirt with me, instead of give them a firm and healthy boundary, that it leaves me free from any
guilt or responsibility as to what happens next. It is all part of the old passive-aggressive,
attention-seeking behavior that has lost me relationships in the past.
8. Thinking that I can one day be friends with my daughter’s mom and that her world will be one
free from discord and full of happy people. She will probably never want to be friends with me nor
forgive me for the hurt I caused her and trying to control her feelings and opinions of me will only
result in me constantly seeking approval from her and resentments when I don’t get it and in the
end resulting in me living on my knees for someone else. As the book says, as God’s people we
don’t live on our knees for no one, we walk in the sun. We know we have changed and that is
enough.
9. Thinking I can still be a playmate and pal to my 13 year old daughter and be Mr. Entertainer
and gift buyer when we have our visits. She is a smart girl and remembers everything she’s seen
and trying to sweep her valid feelings and growing consciousness about her world under a carpet
of gifts and jokes only disrespects her growth into a healthy, confident and intellectual woman and
further makes our relationship an awkward one based on guilt from me and maybe anger and
frustration from her. She only wants me to be her dad. True love I think may be facing the
problem and accepting and dealing with it instead of pretending like there is no problem. My
daughter is worthy of respect and healthy attention even if she’s just plain bored with me
sometimes, I don’t always have to entertain her.
10.  Thinking that just because Karen has let me back into her life after my cheating that
everything is fine and she has forgiven me and heard me say “I’m sorry I’ll be honest from now
on” and that she has healed and that we’re ok and that the elephant in the room of my selfish and
self-seeking behavior no longer exists or is a problem. If I repress what has been a part of me for
so long, namely my lack of morals and consideration of others’ feelings, it will just pop up again
somewhere else sooner or later and probably in more unhealthy ways starting the whole
destructive cycle over again that I am trying to change. Again, a fear of healthy confrontation with
others and myself.
11. Thinking I am the center of the universe, that no one has seen the things I’ve seen, no one
has suffered like me, no one suffers from my actions except for me.
12. Giving in to the problems of the world like our current troubled economy and filtering them
through my manic and impulsive behavior so that I become insane with mania and extreme
behavior like stockpiling weapons to protect my family “when the shit comes down,” harming any
opportunities for rational and calm solutions, impulsive spending and fears.

2. Give 12 examples of ways I could have dealt with insane thinking in a more sane manner.

1. Called my sponsor, though about the reality: I can’t use anything mind-altering  no matter what.
I have an addictive personality and will only wake my disease up and want more. Also I am not
good at hiding anything these days, my moods and lies show on my face. Could have prayed for
God to let the thoughts pass and then reached out to my sponsor and my support group, took a
bath, a walk, helped others, distracted myself till the feeling passed instead of giving in and
relapsing.
2. I will hurt my partner if I do cheat and ruin a good relationship that God has blessed me with,
could have walked the other way, thought about what would happen for a moment’s enjoyment.
3. Walked away from the situation with my stepdaughter’s abusive boyfriend, realized that fighting
could land me in jail or the hospital or dead and then how would I be of service to my family and
my fellows. This macho shit will get me killed if I let it get the best of me.
4. Calmed down, breathed, be aware of myself and my mania. Am I in a manic state, intensely
focused on only one thing, losing track of time, focused only on my will and not God’s? Try to
think rational, is this too much? Am I hungry, angry, lonely or tired? Get other peoples’ opinions of
my schedule.
5. My last relapse showed me how active my disease of addiction still is, even when I’ve
accumulated some clean time. So I must be constantly vigilant about my mental and emotional
sobriety, keep checking in with my foundation of meetings and the 12 steps, listening and talking
to others in my support group, maintain a conscious contact with my God, pray for guidance of his
will for me and the power and humility to carry it out. Realize it can all be gone if I leave this new
foundation I’ve been building and get cocky again.
6. Mixed messages are surely some form of cheating. An ill-intent, selfish self seeking act. Put
the shoe on the other foot, I wouldn’t like it if Karen sent other guys mixed messages, it would
disrespect and undermine our union. Think about her feelings. Respect your woman.
7. Realize I have no control over other people’s opinions of me and I did cause a lot of hurt to my
ex, she has a total right to not ever want to be friends with me. Plus it’s all right for my daughter to
see the reality that sometimes things don’t work out the way we’d like but that we can still survive
and grow and adapt and make better decisions down the line.
8. Realize that my daughter is a young woman now with a growing brain of her own and I should
respect her mind and not treat her like a child anymore. The past is the past she will deal with it
her own way I don’t have to make it worse by trying to control how she deals or heals but I can
reassure her that I will always be here to love and support her in her growth. And I can be open to
learning from this brilliant and beautiful young lady. Not hide reality from her under gifts or guilt or
entertainment.
9. Keep going to therapy, meetings, school, work, church, my sponsor and writing and playing
music, anything that helps me along in the path to growing into a sane and healthy thinking man
so that I can keep working on the source from where all my old selfish behavior spirals out from in
the first place. Shore up my walls and foundation against the dark side so that when the winds of
my immature self come blowing back, whether through drugs or other women or temper or ego,
that me and my family will be safe and protected in a castle of peace, serenity, trust and honesty.
A castle ruled by God.
10. Realize that whether I do good or bad in life, selfish or selfless acts, that it all ripples outwards
from me into the world. If I live bad I will live in a bad world and vice versa.
11. Realize that only I have control and the freedom of choice over how I, not others, will respond
and react to any situation. I can pray for guidance and do the action to prepare for the good and
bad times ahead. And breathe and laugh.
Step III: “Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we
understood Him.”

Read pages 58-64 of the Big Book and Step III of the 12X12.

Thoughts:
“We are not giving anything away, we are getting a new power.”

Read pages 60-63, these are the ABCs of recovery.

“Being convinced we are at Step 3…

Step I: I can’t
Step II: He Can
Step III: I think I’ll let Him

There are 2 categories:

1. Self-centered people are takers, these are unhappy people.
2. Spiritual people are givers, they are the happy ones.”

“Believing in God doesn’t mean anything. We can die drunk believing in God.”

“What I need is a relationship with God to tap into that power source. We must begin turning our
feelings and actions over to God.”

“Just maybe I am willing to explore a spiritual way of living.”

“These steps are actions from here on out to bring about a psychic change.”

“I am not responsible for anyone else’s happiness.”

“How do I know I am doing God’s will?”

Answer: If you feel good about what you’re doing it is probably God’s will, if not then it is probably
your will.

Questions:

A. Give a list of examples of self-will and how they are hurting you.
B. Write a paragraph of what Step III means to you and how I am going to use it.
C. Give an example of God’s will.
D. What is your definition of a decision?
E. What is your definition of “will”? “Life?”
F. Is my will God-driven or God-directed? Am I in the light or in the shadows?
G. How do you decide to turn your will over to the care of your Higher Power?
H. How do you decide to turn your life over to the care of your Higher Power?
I. What is my life? What do I want it to become?
J. Do I just want my Higher Power enough to get back the things I lost then put him back on
the shelf once I have those things?
K. What are my character defects that I know of at this moment?
L. How can I relate them to the 7 deadly sins: Pride, Envy, Greed, Sloth, Lust, Gluttony and
Wrath.
M. How can I relate them to the 4 Horsemen: Pestilence (White), War (Red), Famine (Black)
and Death ((Pale Green)?

A. Give a list of examples of self-will and how they are hurting you.
I want to use crack without anyone giving me a hard time about it or without any repercussions. I
am fantasizing about it and playing it out in my head how I can get away with it. This is my will
and not God’s and I know better by now. It would hurt everyone that is back in my life, all my
goals I have set, everything I have worked so hard for and it would make me crazy again,
paranoid and mad and hiding and disconnect me from feeling God again. Racked by shame and
forced into dishonesty again.
B. Write a paragraph of what Step III means to you and how I am going to use it.
“Made a decision” means to me that I have made a decision when I started learning the 12 steps
in earnest to change my life that God could do a better job with me than I have. The principal
behind it is Faith and this is the step where I take a step off the cliff and believe that God will
guide me to the other side. It is where I truly give up my will and let God do his work with me, all I
have to do is take the step and He will do the rest. But it is easier said than done!
C. Give an example of God’s will.
An example of God’s will to me is for me to be a happy and confident and giving human being,
rested, optimistic, honest, loyal, committed, compassionate, trustworthy, consistent. I believe he
has sent down AA and Jesus to pave the way for me to be a spiritual being now, constantly
seeking His light to be a part of the human solution and not the problem anymore that comes with
people wanting only their way and causing strife and anger and frustration, jealousy, lust, fear,
pride, envy, gluttony and depression. And so I attempt to write out my troubles, to get the demons
out of my head and onto paper before they bottle up like a volcano and explode into a relapse.
May Jesus and Michael help me and walk beside me in these tough times and may God’s name
be praised always and forever. Lord please bless and protect me and my family from all negative
forces trying to enter into our lives.
D. What is your definition of a decision?
To me a decision is a commitment to something, the first real action I take in the 12 steps, faith
that God’s will, not mine, will guide me in my actions and behaviors from now on and free me
from my will and my little plans and designs and secrets.
E. What is your definition of “will”? “Life?”
To me, will is what I want to do when I want to do it. It is my ego, my selfish thinking, my little kid
inside throwing temper tantrums until things go my way. Turning my will over to God’s is admitting
finally that during all my selfish years and the wreckage it caused me and others, that my will
hasn’t worked and now I trust and have faith that God’s will will work better. Life is the journey I
am on.
F. Is my will God-driven or God-directed? Am I in the light or in the shadows?
Right now I would say my will is not God-driven or God-directed. My little scheming addict mind is
plotting and planning and working tirelessly away to carve out some secret time to have some
fun. Negative fun. And so, taking my will back from God I am not in the light right now, I’m in the
shadows.
G. How do you decide to turn your will over to the care of your Higher Power?
This is tough, firm decisions have never come easy for me. I don’t know if it’s my mental illness,
my fear of commitment, my fear of losing the other available option or just plain laziness or all of
these. It seemed I had made this decision 3 years ago when I was desperate to get off the streets
and get my family back but now that I got them back, got a car, a good job, a little apartment, a
great fiancés, a little money in the bank (but quite a lot on my plate!) it seems I’m having second
thoughts, that maybe I have been cured or that I deserve a good time now and then, just a little
bit to take the edge off my busy schedule. This despite all the drastic repurcussions it could
causes once again. Man, what is the point of all this self-analyzing when the physical cravings
and mental obsession seem so much stronger in the heat of the moment? And yet my AA
buddies tell me to “keep coming back.”
H. How do you decide to turn your life over to the care of your Higher Power?
Again, when my life became unmanageable it seemed I had no problem with any of this but now
my mind wants to trick me and forget the terrible things I saw and did living the selfish life and tell
me I can manage it this time. When the reality is one day using will turn into another day using
and ever more frequent until it’s out of control. Because I am an obsessive and addictive
personality. Again, its hard to have the faith in something I can’t see though I’ve always had faith
that the dope or the dealer would be there to cure my ills so why is this so hard for me? Just
because it takes longer to feel the effects? It’s hard to turn my will over to God now that my
addictions “seems” under control. How much pain and suffering am I willing to put me and my
family through to grasp the truth that I am an addict and cannot use? Why do I forget?
I. What is my life? What do I want it to become?
My life right now is too much. I feel I am boxed in by responsibilities. I have Zara back in my life
and her and her mom want me to be sober, I have Karen and her daughter Chelsea in my life and
they want me to be sober, I work full time graveyard shifts in the recovery field working with
addicts and alcoholics many of them with mental health issues like me and I have to be sober to
work there. I am in college and I have to concentrate and focus to progress. I have my band I run
where I write the songs, teach them to the band, organize shows and recordings and rehearsals. I
take medicines for my asthma and my mental health but I don’t eat well, drink too much coffee
and diet sodas, smoke almost a pack of cigarettes a day and I can’t find time to exercise. I am
sleep deprived I work nights and come home in the morning and take Karen to work then come
back to her place and take sleep aids to try and get 2-3 hours straight sleep but I wake up again
and can’t go back down for an hour and after get only 2 or 3 more hours then go back to work or
back to school then work. I am missing AA meetings due to the sleep schedule and my fatigue,
right now I catch only like 3 or 4 meetings a week. I am repressed with Karen because I cheated
on her a year ago and she is still working through that but I am getting no sex so I look at porn
which feels dirty. I have been coming around the meetings though for 3 years now and people
there seem to think I have my shit together but my recent relapse shows me I don’t. Everyone
wants me to be sober and I do too but my therapist tells me I have no “me time.” No outlet for
what Mike wants to do. I don’t really know what I like to do. Fishing? Surfing? Camping? Shoot
guns? I like my time with the guys in the AA meetings, I like being honest with them, I like being
with Karen and my daughter, I like getting along with her mom, I like school when I understand
the lesson. I like going to church and helping to clean up after the service is done. I like praying to
God, I like reading a good book, I like driving around. I like working at a job where I feel my
experiences can help people. But I am in danger of turning into a hypocrite. It’s like I know no
healthy way to be balanced and happy so my mind is lashing out with the only ways it knows how
to be at peace with itself and that is using drugs. I talk to God a lot but I am not in the practice of
listening for his answer. I don’t know how to be still with myself so I stay busy to keep the demons
at bay but the busier I get the louder they’re becoming.
J. Do I just want my Higher Power enough to get back the things I lost then put him back on
the shelf once I have those things?
Sadly, this seems to be what is happening once again. And the only thing I know how to do from
this 12 step program is to reach out and get honest with everyone and take suggestions and for
God’s sake stay out of the old neighborhoods! Including my mind!
K. What are my character defects that I know of at this moment?
My character defects that I know of at this moment are greed, fear, paranoia, frustration, jealousy
and envy that I can’t use drugs recreationally.
L. How can I relate them to the 7 deadly sins: Pride, Envy, Greed, Sloth, Lust, Gluttony and
Wrath.
Easy. I am prideful that I have been coming to meetings for a long time and know the 12 steps
(though actually applying the 12 principles is a different matter!), I have envy of others that are
out there using and having a good time and have no responsibility, I am greedy to just do
whatever the hell I want to do and when I do it to do as much as I can and get away with it so I
don’t lose anything or anyone, I have sloth in mustering up the courage to work on these issues
and just hope they will change by just going to meetings and school and work, I have lust when I
look at porn, when I use I have gluttony in that I can’t smoke enough crack, when I come down
and eat I eat everything I can find, and I have wrath that I can’t use and just have a good time.
M. How can I relate them to the 4 Horsemen: Pestilence, War, Famine and Death?
This is hard but here goes:

Pestilence White Carries a bow (old Carries a Crown (Judgments) ίππος λευκός
 Latin translation is (híppos leukós),
standard, not the [The] White
weapon). Horse

ίππος πυρρός
To take peace from the earth,
(híppos purrós),
War Red Carries a sword and let men kill one another
[The] Flame-red
(slaughter[1])
Horse

ίππος μέλας
Carries a balance Famine, drought, disease. (híppos mélas),
Famine Black
(weighing scale) (Death[1]) [The] Black
Horse

Over a fourth of the earth, to

Pale
Death, followed by kill with sword, and with
Death Green
Hades (Pluto). hunger, and with death, and
(or Sage)
with the beasts of the earth.

A pestilence is any virulent and highly infectious disease that can cause an epidemic or
even a pandemic. The word can also be used about parasites causing large scale sickness
and death, such as Guinea worm. Originally the word referred to the bubonic plague,
which is called pestis in Latin.

War is the reciprocal and violent application of force between hostile political entities
aimed at bringing about a desired political end-state via armed conflict.

A famine is a widespread shortage of food that may apply to any faunal species, which
phenomenon is usually accompanied by regional malnutrition, starvation, epidemic, and
increased mortality. Famines in modern time are typically linked to overpopulation, as
the number of humans exceeds regional carrying capacity.

Death is the permanent termination of the biological functions that define a living
organism. It refers both to a particular event and to the continuing condition that results
thereby.

My disease of addiction is a pestilence. Addiction is a pestilence upon the whole world,

ripping up families and communities from the inside out. The 7 deadly sins come into
play when this pestilence is unleashed in me. They are obvious to any one who walks
through Oak Park or down Stockton Blvd. in the middle of the night.

War is what happens either on the streets or in my mind when something doesn’t go my
way. When the pestilence is challenged, war ensues. The virus will fight the cure tooth
and nail.

Famine is what happens when the pestilence is upon me in full swing, I run out of money
and everyone that loves me and I become a starving parasite not caring of who I hurt or
burn in order to feed my disease and this makes sense, the starving tick will jump on
anything just to draw some blood for itself. Whole countries full of starving ticks.

The Death Horseman will claim over a fourth of the earth, he will kill with sword, and
with hunger, and with death, and with the beasts of the earth.
It’s pretty easy to see how the preceding 3 horsemen set it up for us to die. This is the
only way out of this sort of life led by pestilence. And yet I still continue to fight and
bargain with the cure. This must surely be the insanity and deviousness of my disease.