relationship something more than friendship results:

Love two people give themselves each to the other.

HOW SHOULD I UNDERSTAND LOVE? LOVE

A. Love as an Attraction • “to think and will and do good of another”
- “happens naturally between m&w …but in order to • commitment, care, and concern for the other
like someone on the personal level, we have to know • giving and not receiving
them.” – Love & Responsibility MUR Blog Series • the first and greatest commandment:
- “beginning of love, but requires knowledge & truth to • ELEMENTS OF LOVE
become the love that marriage can be built on.” - 1. Knowledge
L&RMURBS - in-depth conscious of another person’s
- Men: sensuality image à genuine communion
Women: sentimentality/infatuation 2. Respect
– L&RMURBS - ability to see a person as he is; to be aware
o Sentimentality - focuses on the person as of his unique individuality
masculine or feminine 3. Care
o Sentiment - affection for the person in w/c “a - active concern for life and the growth of the
different sort of desire for nearness… exclusivity one we love
or intimacy, a longing to be always alone 4. Responsibility
together.” - ability to respond to his/her needs
- Sentimental love: cause of disillusionment. expressed or unexpressed
The discrepancy between the ideal & the reality often
results in sentimental love fading. MATURING IN LOVE
B. Love as a Desire • Love is seen as the first and greatest commandment:
- “…A sensual reaction is natural, not evil. ..but man is 1. To love God above all.
called to exercise his freedom and self-control.” – 2. To love our neighbors and enemies as much as
L&RMURBS we love ourselves.
- This results from the fact that the human person is a
• Genuine Love: love that endures; able to overcome
limited being, not self-sufficient and therefore – needs crises, difficulties, disappointments and serious
other beings.
problems
- One sought to see to it that desire does not
• Mature Love: love needed for marriage to work
dominate, does not overwhelm all else that love
comprises.
QUALITIES OF MATURE LOVE
- “…Love is ‘readiness to subordinate oneself’ to the
1. Altruistic
value of the person.”
- lover can give time, affection and energy to the
- “A person has an inherent dignity that should rebel at
beloved w/o considering what will be received
even the suggestion that he or she should allow
2. Freeing
someone else to “use” them.”
- one is allowed to be as he is, for better or for worse,
- It is not safe to put one’s trust in the reactions of the
so that one can be a better person
sense or emotions.
3. Honest
- Emotions may blind a person to fact: he or she may
- allows lover to know each other very well, so it is
get caught up in the feelings of love and judges the
love for the person that matters, and not simply
relationship’s goodness based on these feelings.
his/her image.
C. Love as Goodwill
4. Empathic
- “Desire is a beginning for love, but goodwill is
- “feeling with” another and not sympathy w/c is
necessary for growth…Goodwill: selflessness in love
feeling for “poor you”
– a desire for what is best for the other person.” –
5. Strengthening
L&RMURBS
- In mature love, both people are growing together.
- It is not enough to long for a person as a good for
6. Happy, sad and neutral
oneself, one must long for that person’s good.
- sometimes it is fun, other times tender, or marred
- “…The love of m&w, cannot but be love as desire,
by hurt or anger.
but as time goes by more & more in the direction of
unqualified goodwill” – L&RMURBS
KINDS OF LOVE
- Goodwill: reveals the unconditional nature of love and
1. Sensible
can be demonstrated by the ability to let go of the
- (Love of desire) physical attraction à desire to
relationship if it is not objectively good.
satisfy one’s biological needs just like the animals
D. Love as Reciprocity
2. Rational
- “Love between m&w is not mature if either of the
- Rooted in man’s spirituality and openness to being,
person is not committed to caring for other above
a personal response to the true nature and true
their own desires.”
worth of the other.
A. Love: not unilateral but bilateral, something
between’ two persons, something shared.
B. A person who desires another as a good desires
above all that person’s love in return for his or her
Marriage Laws
own love, desires that is to say another person Legal & Canonical Requirements Of
above all as a creator of love, and not merely as
the object of appetite. Marriage
C. Reciprocity: mutual part of love, when a couple
moves from “I” to “we.” MARRIAGE LAWS
• Betrothed Love • Marriage & fam: social institutions protected by law
- “love in w/c m&w give themselves fully to one • Article II, section 12 of the 1987 Philippine Constitution
another.” “recognizes the sanctity of family life” and affirms the
- betrothed love: self-giving, the surrender of one’s “I”. duty of the State to “protect and strengthen the family
When betrothed love enters into this interpersonal as a basic autonomous social institution.”
 • The legal requisites: ensure that those getting married • The following are authorized to solemnize marriage:
possess the basic qualifications required of the o Any incumbent member of the judiciary within the
married life. court’s jurisdiction
• Marriages in the Philippines are governed by the state o Any priest, rabbi, imam or minister of any church
laws and ecclesiastical laws. or religious sect duly authorized by his church or
• Filipinos planning to get married have to comply with religious sect and registered with the office of the
requirements set forth by the Family Code whether Civil Registrar General.
such marriage is civil or religious in nature. o Any ship captain or airline chief only in cases of
• The law of the church focuses largely on the spiritual articulo mortis.
and psychological commitment brought to the o Any military commander of a unit in the absence
marriage. of a chaplain during ope involving articulo mortis.
• A wedding has the potential to become a marriage. o Any consul-general, consul or vice-consul in
The spouses must have intention and the capacity to marriages solemnized abroad.
carry the marriage beyond the wedding day. o Mayors of cities and municipalities under the new
Local Government Code
MARRIAGE IN THE FAMILY CODE OF THE PHILIPPINES
• improves on the definition of marriage in Art. 52 of the 2. VALID MARRIAGE LICENSE
Old Civil Code of the Philippines by stating that: • Under Art. 9 of the Family code, marriage license shall
A. Marriage is “special” in contract. be issued by the local civil registrar where either
B. It is a “permanent” union. contracting party resides. The application for the
C. The union is between “a man and a woman.” marriage license shall be posted for ten (10)
D. The union must be entered into “in accordance w consecutive days outside the office of the civil
the law” registrar. A license shall be valid in any part of the
E. The purpose of marriage is “the establishment of Philippines for a period of 120 days and shall be
conjugal and family life.” automatically cancelled at the end of said period.
• No valid marriage license, no valid marriage
MARRIAGE AS CONTRACT • Marriages exempted from marriage license reqs:
• Moreover, marriage is “a special” contract: o Marriages in articulo mortis (Article 27)
1. Only a man and a woman can enter o No means of transportation (Article 28)
2. Marriage is a permanent contract; it can only be • If residence of either party is located where no means
dissolved by death or annulment of transpo to enable such party to appear personally
3. In an ordinary contract, agreement has the force before the local civil registrar, the marriage may be
of law between h&w; in marriage, rights & duties solemnized w/o necessity of a marriage license.
are fixed by law and not subject to stipulations. • Marriages among Muslims or among members of the
4. Breach of contract gives rise to action for ethnic cultural communities provided they are
damages, while breach of obligations of h/w does solemnized in accordance with their customs, rites or
not give to rise to such action, but law prescribes practices. (Article 33)
penal and civil sanctions eg. prosecution for • Couples living together for at least 5 years and w/o
adultery, concubinage, legal separation, etc. any legal impediment to marry each other. (Article 34)

REQUISITES OF MARRIAGE UNDER THE FAMILY CODE 3. MARRIAGE CEREMONY

A. Essential • No particular form of the ceremony is required
1. Legal Capacity • Requires the appearance of the contracting parties
2. Consent of the Contacting parties before the solemnizing officer and their personal
B. Formal declaration that they take each other as h&w in the
1. Authority of the Solemnizing Officer presence of at least two witnesses of legal age.
2. Marriage License • The marriage shall be solemnized publicly in the
3. Marriage Ceremony chambers of the judge or in open court, in the church,
chapel or temple or in the office of the consul-general,
A. ESSENTIAL REQUISITES consul or vice-consul, as the case may be, and not
1. Legal Capacity elsewhere.
o Must be male and female
o Must at least be 18 years of age ABSENCE AND DEFECTS IN ESSENTUAL AND FORMAL
o Consent freely given by the contracting parties REQUISITES
o Contracting parties must be at least 18 years of • Article 4 of the Family Code states, “the absence of
age, male and female, and not under any any of the essential & formal requisites shall render
impediment to marry impediments mentioned in the marriage void ab initio (void from start) except as
Art. 37 (incestuous marriage) and Art. 38 (void stated in Art. 35 (2)
marriages). • A defect in any of the essential requisites shall render
o If the contracting parties are between the ages of the marriage voidable as provided in Art. 45.
18 and 21, they must present written consent to • An irregularity in the formal requisites shall not affect
the marriage from their father, mother or legal the validity of the marriage but the party or parties
guardian (Art. 14). While any contracting party responsible for the irregularly shall be civilly, criminally
between the age of 21 and 25 must present and administratively liable.
written parental advice, i.e., a written indication
that the parents are aware of the couple’s intent MARRIAGE IN THE PHILIPPINES
to marry (Art. 15). • Wedding Tip:
2. Consent o Visit the local civil registrar (LCR) beforehand to
o Consent freely given by the contracting parties know the specific requirements.
before a solemnizing officer and in the presence o Although they are under the same laws and
of at least 2 witnesses of legal age. regulations, the LCR in each municipality tend to
interpret guidelines differently.
1. AUTHORITY OF SOLEMNIZING OFFICER
 o When applying for a marriage license, personal celebration of matrimony. (Canon
appearance of both parties is required. 1083) In the case of the Philippines,
o No license will be required for your marriage if you fixed it on 18 years for both b&g
and your partner have lived together as h&w for at 2. Impotence
least 5 years. Simply secure an affidavit to facilitate o Antecedent (exists prior to marriage) and
the wedding. perpetual (which cannot be corrected)
o Confirmation certificates can be requested from the impotence by its very nature invalidates
Church or school where you were confirmed. marriage
o You can then send the letter to the Church’s 3. Previous marriage
administration office along with a processing fee. o A person bound by a previous marriage
o Two foreigners cannot marry in the country. If you cannot contract marriage
are both foreigners in the Philippines and you wish 4. Disparity of worship/cult
to marry, contact your embassy. A consul might be o A marriage between a Catholic and a non-
authorized by law to solemnize the marriage. baptized person is invalid.
5. Sacred orders
MARRIAGE IN THE CODE OF CANON LAW o Marriage is invalidly in sacred orders.
• The 1983 Code of Canon Law contains provisions on 6. Perpetual vow of chastity
marriage meant to protect and preserve the sanctity of o bound by a public perpetual vow of chastity
marriage and the family and to promote love and life. in a religious institute invalidly contract
What is Marriage? (Canon 1055 of the Code of Canon Law) marriage.
• Marriage is a Covenant (exchange of persons) 7. Abduction
by which m&w (male – female) establish between o No marriage can exists between a man and
themselves a partnership of their whole life, a woman who has been abducted, or at
(indissoluble union) and of its own very nature is least detained
ordered to the well-being of the spouses (service to 8. Crime
each other) and to the procreation and upbringing of o The impediment arises when someone, with
children (service to Life) a view of entering marriage with a particular
• It has, between the baptized, been raised by Christ the person, has killed that person’s spouse, or
Lord to the dignity of a sacrament. (Sacred value his or her own spouse.
added) 9. Consanguinity
o invalid between related by consanguinity in
REQUIREMENTS OF A VALID CATHOLIC WEDDING all degrees of the direct line, and up to the
3 requirements of valid marriage for Catholics fourth degree inclusive in the collateral line.
10. Affinity
o relationship between one spouse and the
blood relatives of the other spouse, extends
to any degree of the direct line.
11. Public Propriety
o when a couple lives together after an invalid
marriage or from a notorious/public
concubinage. It invalidates marriage in the
first degree of the direct line between the
man and those related by consanguinity to
the woman, and vice versa.
12. Legal relationship
o legally related because of adoption cannot
validly marry each other if their relationship
is in direct line or in the second degree of
the collateral line.

2. Integral Consent (Canons 1095-1107)

• Freedom from invalidation of Consent
A. Psychosomatic Capacity
1. Legal Capacity (Canons 1073-1094) 1. Sufficient Use of Reason
• All can contract marriage who are not prohibited - not content of the intellect but to the
by law. (Cannon 1058). This means that the law fundamental ability to know
can prohibit marriage in some particular cases; - must be “sufficient” so as to understand that
one of them, ex: when contracting parties labor marriage is a community of conjugal life for
under a diriment impediments. the good of the spouses and the generation
• Matrimonial impediments are incapacitating or and education of children
invalidating laws that truly restrict the free 2. Due discretion of Judgment
exercise of the right to marriage that everyone - Capacity to intend and to will
has. Some impediments are derived from natural - Sufficient knowledge, sufficient deliberation
law (e.g. impotency, consanguinity), while others and sufficient internal freedom.
are established by the Church herself. (e.g. holy - A person who has due discretion of judgment
order, public vow of chastity). understands the duties that are to be
• Freedom from any and all of 12 impediments assumed, and freely chooses to assume those
1. Age 3. Psychological Capacity
o A man cannot validly enter marriage before - Capacity to assume essential obli of marriage
the completion of his sixteenth year of age;
a woman. before the completion of her B. Cognitive Capacity
fourteenth year. 1. Sufficient Knowledge
§ It is within the power of Bishops to
establish an older age for the licit
 - One cannot consent to marriage w/o at least a 3) Mate Selection
minimal knowledge of what one is intending o To see others in many different settings, to
and willing. compare the personality and characteristics
- One must know that:
i. marriage is a permanent consortium STAGES OF DATING
ii. this consortium is between m&w 1. Stimulus Stage
iii. it is ordered to the procreative o Attraction is physical, mental or social.
iv. sexual cooperation to have children 2. Value Stage
2. Freedom from Error o Weigh each other’s values to see if compatible
- Error of Fact o determined between 2-7 dates (best to breakup)
• Error of Person 3. Role Stage
• Error of Quality of the Person o determine roles as lover, companion, friend,
- Error of Law worker, spouse and parent.
• Error that influences the will concerning DATING DOS AND DON’TS
unity, indissolubility or sacramental dignity • Dos
3. Freedom from Fraud/Deceit o Do date to get to know other people
- a person is misled into error o Do have fun an go places to enjoy life and other
- Ex: misrepresentation, lies, silence people’s company
C. Volitive Capacity (Full and Free Consent) o Do chat, talk and spend some time exclusively.
1. No exclusion o Do spend more time around people who bring out
- must not exclude some essential the best in your personality and character.
properties or elements o Do date as an opportunity to get to know and
2. Not subject to conditions (future) understand different types of people.
- Condition: circumstance attached to o Do practice your social skills: respect, punctuality,
consent flexibility, and your communication skills: honesty,
- validity is dependent on the verification of understanding and tact.
the circumstance. o Do date someone whom you have commons
3. Free from force and fear friends and/or whose family you know.
- cannot validly enter marriage by force or o Do date in groups. As the saying goes, “the more
with grave fear which compromises marital the merrier.”
freedom. External coercion contradicts o Do date to enjoy, not just to talk, but to experience
marriage as partnership of life & love. fun activities together (e.g. concerts, parties,
- force is irresistible à invalid outreach events, sports etc.).
o Do date to grow as a person. Make dating an
- Fear is grave, extrinsic, causative à opportunity to enjoy developing yourself to make
invalid better decisions, especially in challenging
3. Canonical Form (Canons 1095-1107) situations.
• Priest, 2 witnesses, & the Rite of Marriage • Don’ts
1. Proper Minister o Don’t date to impress. Let the other person know
2. Ordained Official Church Witness the real you.
3. Lay Official Church Witness o Don’t go with risky company (alcoholics, drug
4. Common Witnesses addicts and etc.) and to risky places where your
5. Exchange of Vows parents or guardians would not approve you’re
6. Rite of Marriage going to.
o Don’t hang out in dark places, or very private
Proximate Preparation In Marriage places such as bedrooms. Remember intimacy is
a very private matter and it happens in private
DATING places.
• when one engages in different social activities in order o Don’t waste your time with those who bring out the
to get to know if one is a possible spouse worst in you.
• time to get to know another person fully o Don’t date to get material or social benefits (e.g. to
• opportunity to develop social skills and friendships be given gifts, or privileges to ride a sports car, or
• Friendship: best foundation of a lasting relationship get into social events).
• should have limitations o Don’t lead others on.
• sex is not a guarantee of sexual compatibility o Don’t date someone whose background or identity
• Sexual abstinence: purity of whole body, not just a part you don’t know from a friend or family. You’ll be
• Saying no to sex in dating is saying yes to real love more prone to “dating lies,” or worse, endangering
• Know what you want to achieve out of dating your life.
• time to grow in character o Don’t always single-date. Single-dating is talk-
dating and not necessarily know-dating.
CATHOLIC UNDERSTANDING OF DATING o Don’t date to get involved intimately and engage
in physical activities with each other.
• Dating is joyful but not trivial.
o Don’t date to distract yourself, or miss our on
• Dating is a practice but is not advantageous.
responsibilities (e.g. schoolwork, house chores or
• Dating is “Full of Wonder” and not just “Wonderful.” opportunities and activities to grow).
• Dating is not wrong but can be done wrong.
WHAT DO MEN WANT?
PURPOSES OF DATING 1. honest, timely, loving communication.
1) Socializing 2. self-sufficient, secure, confident women.
o develop appropriate social skills to practice getting 3. a manipulation-free relationship.
along with others 4. growth, personal responsibility, and ownership.
2) Recreation 5. fidelity and a commitment to the relationship.
o To enjoy companionship of others and to try new 6. women who know how men need to be treated.
and different activities.
WHAT DO WOMEN WANT?
1. Confidence (or Power)
2. Sense of humor (Fun)
3. Money or the things money can buy (Security)
4. Looks (Protection and Attraction)
5. A little bit of “Bad boy” qualities (Mysterious and
Independent/Strong)
6. All the other stuff they typically list (varies – sensitive,
caring, etc.)”

DEFECTIVE DATING
• leads to intimacy, not to commitment
o Intimacy w/o commitment can be sweet, but ends
up making sick
• skip the “friendship” stage of a relationship.
o Intimacy w/o commitment: defrauding.
Intimacy w/o friendship: superficial.
A relationship based on physical attraction and
romantic feelings will last as long as feelings last
• often mistakes a physical relationship for love.
o Physical involvement can make two people feel
close. They discover that all they have is lust.
• often isolates a couple from other vital relationships.
o exclusive attention has a tendency to steal
people’s passion for serving in the church and to
isolate them from the friends, family, and God
• distract young adults from primary responsibility of
preparing for the future.
• can cause discontent with God’s gift of singleness.
• creates an artificial envi for evaluating another
person’s character

COURTSHIP
• ability of a male to express romance or do romantic
acts that will excite the female into liking the male.
• not only dating, but to limit dating to only that person.
• prize: girl
• strongly evaluating the character & attitude of the other
• get to know one another’s families because you not
only marry the person, but their family as well

ENGAGEMENT
• courtship à successful to the point where the man is
ready to “pop the question,” and she says “yes!” –
then, it is time to become engaged.
• An engagement ring is appropriate, along with a public
announcement of the intentions to be married

SOME GOOD REASONS & VALUE OF ENGAGEMENT

PERIOD:
• to begin serious planning of their lives together.
• final testing time before the couple is actually married.
• to more seriously learn to get along with each other.
• to see one another more as they really are.
• to get better acquainted with family and friends.
• to realize that caution not to cause shame or regret.
• to realize it is a mistake à called off

MARRIAGE
• W/ the wedding vows and ceremony, the journey is not
yet complete; it moves into another stage called
marriage.
• begins w/ the honeymoon: period of privacy & intimacy
as the couple are separated from their former ties.
• Couples are impressed with the important differences
between being a spouse and being a parent.
• The passage into marriage is completed in exploration
of priorities about work, styles of lovemaking and
methods for handling everyday decisions.
• Roles are multiplied as “parents” combines with
“spouse.” Marriage, well begun and now maturing,
turns to new challenges.