SPONGEBOB

SQUAREPANTS

Book by Kyle Jarrow

With New Songs

By
Yolanda Adams
Steven Tyler and Joe Perry of Aerosmith
Sara Bareilles
Jonathan Coulton
Alex Ebert of Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeros
The Flaming Lips
Lady Antebellum
Cyndi Lauper
John Legend
Panic! At the Disco
Plain White T’s
They Might Be Giants
T.I.
And songs by David Bowie
Tom Kenny & Andy Paley

Additional Lyrics by Jonathan Coulton

Additional Music by Tom Kitt

Music Supervision, Orchestrations and Arrangements by Tom Kitt

Choreography by Christopher Gattelli

Musical Production Conceived and Directed by Tina Landau

REVISED – November 29, 2017

 ii.

CHARACTERS

Principals
SpongeBob SquarePants
Patrick Star
Sandy Cheeks
Squidward Tentacles
Eugene Krabs
Sheldon Plankton

Ensemble, with lots of doubling

French Narrator (pre-recorded voice)
Patchy the Pirate
Karen, a computer
Perch Perkins, a news anchor
Pearl Krabs, a whale
Mayor of Bikini Bottom
Mrs. Puff, a pufferfish
Larry the Lobster
Old Man Jenkins
Buster Bluetang
The Electric Skates (3 of ‘em)
Sardine Devotees
Johnny the Bartender (briefly)
Theater Security Guards (2)
Pirates (a bunch)
Gary the Snail (a puppet)

Oh, and there's a live Foley Artist too!

 iii.

MUSICAL NUMBERS

Act 1

1. Bikini Bottom Day – The Town (by Jonathan Coulton)

2. Bikini Bottom Day Reprise – SpongeBob (by Jonathan Coulton)
3. No Control – Perch Perkins, The Town (by David Bowie and Brian Eno)
4. BFF – SpongeBob, Patrick (by Plain White Ts)
5. When the Going Gets Tough – Plankton, The Town (by T.I., Domani Harris and Darwin
Quinn)
6. (Just a) Simple Sponge – SpongeBob, Mr. Krabs, Sponges (by Panic! At the Disco)
7. Daddy Knows Best – Mr. Krabs, Pearl (by Alex Ebert of Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic
Zeros)
8. Hero Is My Middle Name – SpongeBob, Sandy, Patrick (by Cyndi Lauper and Rob Hyman)
9. Super Sea Star Savior – Patrick, Sardines (by Yolanda Adams)
10. Tomorrow Is – The Town (by The Flaming Lips)

Act 2

12. Poor Pirates – Patchy, Pirates (by Sara Bareilles)

13. Bikini Bottom Day Reprise – SpongeBob,(by Jonathan Coulton)
14. Bikini Bottom Boogie – The Electric Skates, Pearl, Fans (by Steven Tyler and Joe Perry of
Aerosmith)
15. Chop to the Top – Sandy, SpongeBob (by Lady Antebellum)
16. (I Guess I) Miss You – SpongeBob, Patrick (by John Legend)
17. I’m Not a Loser – Squidward, Sea Anemones (by They Might Be Giants)
18. Simple Sponge Reprise – SpongeBob (by Panic! At the Disco)
19. Best Day Ever – SpongeBob, The Town (by Andy Paley and Tom Kenny)
20. Finale: Bikini Bottom Day Reprise – The Town (by Jonathan Coulton)
Bows: The SpongeBob Theme Song – All (by Derek Drymon, Mark Harrison, Stephen
Hillenburg and Blaise Smith)
 PRESHOW
As the audience enters, PATCHY THE PIRATE is
set up in a front corner of the theater, right near
the FOLEY ARTIST’s rig. Patchy is in a folding
camping chair, surrounded by dozens of pieces
of SpongeBob merchandise. The weirder the
merch items, the better. Patchy is getting
pumped up for the show—almost like he’s
tailgating, Broadway-style. He chats with
various audience members as they pass, telling
them how incredibly excited he is for
SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS THE MUSICAL. He
is the President of the SpongeBob Fan Club, after
all. He has a big sign that says so.

As house lights go to half, Patchy runs up onto

the stage. He could not be more excited. He’s got
his cellphone out (complete with SpongeBob
case) and he’s snapping photos of anything and
everything.

PATCHY
Excuse me, everyone! Ahoy up there! Before the show starts, can I get a
group photo? Smile! (he takes a selfie with the audience) Thank you! I
want to remember this moment forever. I’m about to see SpongeBob,
right here on...

He’s interrupted by TWO SECURITY GUARDS

who come barrelling down the aisle.

SECURITY GUARD 1
Sir! You need to get off the stage. The show’s about to start.

PATCHY
And I couldn’t be more excited! I’m SpongeBob’s #1 Fan. Patchy the
Pirate.

SECURITY GUARD 2
(gesturing to the merch) This is your junk?

PATCHY
Those’re my collectibles - brought all my favorites with me from Encino.
Draft 11.29.17 2.

Patchy holds up his cellphone. Its giant yellow

case is one of his favorite collectibles.

SECURITY GUARD 1
Sir, put away the phone, there’s no filming allowed...

PATCHY
But I’m making a pirate copy!

SECURITY GUARD 2
(to Security Guard 1, disgusted) Get this jokester out of here.

Security Guard 1 starts toward Patchy.

PATCHY
What? No! I came to see SpongeBob!

SECURITY GUARD 1
Come on, one eye.

Security Guard 1 grabs Patchy to drag him down

the aisle. Patchy, offended, shouts as he goes.

PATCHY
What did you call me? This is pirate discrimination! Peg leg phobia! Yo ho
we won’t go! Yo ho we won’t go! Yo ho we won’t go!

Security Guard 2 stays behind to address the

crowd.

SECURITY GUARD 2
Alright! It’s time to turn off your cellphones… stop your facebooking and
your instagrams… And no pictures or videos during the performance. I
can see your screen, ma’am, don’t even try me. Now y’all enjoy the show.

Lights shift…
Draft 11.29.17 3.

ACT 1
SCENE 1: BIKINI BOTTOM

In the darkness, the gentle strains of HAWAIIAN

MUSIC. We hear the voice of the French
Narrator.

FRENCH NARRATOR
Ahh… bonjour, salut and welcome to this quiet corner of the ocean floor,
teeming with all the many kinds of undersea life.

A plethora of SEA CREATURES are revealed.

It is here we find the sub-marine habitat known as Bikini Bottom.

The Sea Creatures display a POP-UP MODEL

VERSION OF BIKINI BOTTOM.

Let us observe now as the sun rises on a new nautical day.

The sun rises on the mini-Bikini Bottom.

Here, we see an ordinary cluster of kelp.

The creatures gesture to a cluster of pool

noodles (that’s the kelp).

And here... a common clumping of coral.

They gesture to a clump of colorful party cups

(that’s the coral).

And here… a pineapple?

They gesture to the show curtain, made entirely

of sponges (this is, for the moment, SpongeBob’s
pineapple.)

This fruit is home to one of the most fascinating sea creatures of all.
Aplysina fistualis. The yellow sponge.

SPONGEBOB is revealed.
Draft 11.29.17 4.

*SONG: BIKINI BOTTOM DAY – by Jonathan Coulton

There’s the blaring sound of Spongebob’s

FOGHORN ALARM CLOCK. He snaps awake.

SPONGEBOB
Good morning world, and all who inhabit it!

JUMP OUT OF BED,

MIX UP A BREAKFAST FOR MY FAVORITE PET SNAIL.

SpongeBob’s pet snail GARY appears and utters

his characteristic sound—

GARY
Meow.

SPONGEBOB
FULL STEAM AHEAD,
THE S.S. “I AM READY” IS ABOUT TO SET SAIL.
THIS KIND OF DAY
COULDN’T GET MUCH BETTER BUT IT KEEPS ON TRYING.
I’M ON MY WAY,
SOMEWHERE THERE’S A KRABBY PATTY THAT NEEDS FRYING.

SpongeBob grabs a spatula and flips an

imaginary Krabby Patty burger into his mouth.

SPONGEBOB (CONT’D)
AND WHO’S THE LUCKY SPONGE IN THE MIRROR WHO IS LIVING HIS DREAM?
WHO’S ALWAYS EXTRA CAREFUL WITH HIS DENTAL HYGIENE?

His arm STRETCHES across the room as he

brushes his teeth.

SPONGEBOB (CONT’D)
GARY IT’S ME! HAPPY JUST TO BE HERE
IN THE WORLD RENOWNED BIKINI BOTTOM!
HOW I LOVE THIS TOWN, BIKINI BOTTOM,
WHEN THE SUN SHINES DOWN ON A BEAUTIFUL BIKINI BOTTOM DAY.

SpongeBob goes to his door and opens it to the

outside.
Draft 11.29.17 5.

Our view widens to include Patrick’s Rock.

Patrick is revealed. He lets out a giant YAWN.

SPONGEBOB (CONT’D)
Good morning Patrick!

PATRICK
It’s morning already?

SPONGEBOB
Yep, and I’m singing an opening number!

PATRICK
Ooh I want a verse! I want a verse!
(now he sings)
I MISSED A SNACK, THIS BUSY SCHEDULE MAKES IT HARD TO BE ME
TO STAY ON TRACK, NOW I’LL HAVE TO EAT IT WHILE I’M WATCHING TV
THERE MIGHT NOT BE TIME FOR A NAP BUT I’LL DO WHAT I CAN
THEY’RE SHOWING ALL THE EPISODES OF

SPONGEBOB & PATRICK

“MERMAID MAN”

PATRICK
EVERY SINGLE ONE
I’M SPENDING ALL DAY UNDERNEATH

A backup trio of GIRL-FISH, holding rocks,

appear from behind the rock. They join Patrick’s
song.

PATRICK (CONT’D) GIRL FISH

MY FAVORITE ROCK FAVORITE ROCK

SPONGEBOB
BIKINI BOTTOM!

PATRICK GIRL FISH

NOW WHAT RHYMES WITH ROCK? RHYMES WITH ROCK

SPONGEBOB
BIKINI BOTTOM!

PATRICK GIRL FISH

NOTHING RHYMES WITH ROCK. RHYMES WITH ROCK
IT’S A TYPICAL BIKINI BOTTOM DAY -KINI BOTTOM DAY
Draft 11.29.17 6.

SPONGEBOB
No, Patrick, it’s a beautiful day. And a lot of things rhyme with rock.

PATRICK
I don’t think so.

SPONGEBOB
Sure: clock, smock, electroshock… (Aha! Best one yet!) Pop and lock!

With that, Patrick starts BEATBOXING and

SpongeBob launches into a popping-and-locking
routine, complete with two HIP HOP DANCERS.
All the noise awakens SQUIDWARD. He pops out
of his Easter Island Head house.

SQUIDWARD
Would you two please keep it down?

The Hip Hop Dancers are instantly gone.

SPONGEBOB & PATRICK

Good morning, Squidward!!

SQUIDWARD
Another day, another migraine.

SpongeBob and Patrick freeze. Spotlight on

Squidward.

SQUIDWARD (CONT’D)
WHEN I WANT SOME QUIET THERE'S NOWHERE TO GO,
A SENSITIVE ARTISTE
CAN'T GET A MOMENT'S PEACE WITH THESE TWO

SQUIDWARD (CONT’D) ENSEMBLE

IDIOTS IN STEREO – IDIOTS! STEREO!
THEY NEVER GO AWAY – NEVER GO AWAY
TYPICAL BIKINI BOTTOM DAY

SpongeBob and Patrick unfreeze.

SPONGEBOB
It’s a great day, Squidward. In fact, I’d say this could be the best day ever.

SQUIDWARD
You say that every day.
Draft 11.29.17 7.

SPONGEBOB
And it’s always true. Bye, Patrick! See you at work, Squidward!

SQUIDWARD
What did I do to deserve this?

FRENCH NARRATOR
We now follow SpongeBob past the Treedome—home to a creature
seldom seen here on the ocean floor. A squirrel (a squirrel is projected)
from Texas (a cowboy hat is added to the projection). This is Sandy Cheeks
the scientist, hard at work on her latest invention.

There’s a huge flash and a puff of smoke. As it

clears, SANDY CHEEKS is revealed with her
newly-minted JETPACK. She greets SpongeBob.

SPONGEBOB
Hi, Sandy!

SANDY
Howdy, SpongeBob!

A group of COWBOY FISH appear to back Sandy

up.

SANDY COWBOY FISH

GEE GOLLY THAT WAS CLOSE…
IT’S JUST A LITTLE SMOKE,
A MINOR SETBACK. SETBACK
A FEW MORE HOURS AT MOST
AND I’LL BE DONE WITH
THIS HERE BRAND NEW JETPACK! JETPACK
AND THEN THIS TEXAS SQUIRREL,
THIS COUNTRY GIRL, OOH
WILL SPREAD HER WINGS AND FLY;
MY BUSHY TAIL A COMET’S TRAIL OOH
CLEAR ACROSS THE SKY,

SANDY AND COWBOY FISH

ABOVE THE TOWN
AND LOOKING DOWN
ON A TYPICAL BIKINI BOTTOM DAY! DAY! DAY!

Suddenly, the music is interrupted by a

RUMBLING SOUND. The ground shakes. Sandy
and SpongeBob react.
Draft 11.29.17 8.

SANDY
What in chicken-fried tarnation was that?

SPONGEBOB
I dunno, but I kinda liked it.

SANDY
‘Scuse me, SpongeBob. I’m gonna go power up the ol’ seis-o-mograph.

Sandy heads off.

SPONGEBOB
I’m off to work too, at the greatest restaurant there is!

He peels off too and the lights shift.

FRENCH NARRATOR
Ah yes, the Krusty Krab. Bikini Bottom’s most popular dining
establishment, home to the Krabby Patty. Owned and operated by Mister
Eugene Krabs.

MR. KRABS is revealed, beside the Krusty Krab

sign.

FRENCH NARRATOR (CONT’D)

And across town, the least popular restaurant: the Chum Bucket, run by
Sheldon J. Plankton.

Lights up on the Chum Bucket and PLANKTON, a

tiny creature several inches tall. Now he’s in one
spotlight and Krabs is in the other.

FRENCH NARRATOR (CONT’D)

Two arch nemeses locked in a fast food cold war.

Mr. Krabs sings.

MR. KRABS
WINDS FROM THE WEST
EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK THE SKIES ARE CLEAR AND SUNNY
GOOD WEATHER’S BEST
WHEN YOU’RE IN THE MOOD TO MAKE A TON OF MONEY

PLANKTON
LAUGH WHILE YOU CAN;
UNTIL THE DAY YOU LAUGH NO MORE, FOREVER (FOREVER)
Draft 11.29.17 9.

PLANKTON (CONT’D)
I’VE GOT A PLAN;
AND I WENT TO COLLEGE SO YOU KNOW IT’S CLEVER.

Plankton’s computer wife, KAREN, enters. She

responds with a sigh and an eye-roll—

KAREN
With you, there’s always another plan.

PLANKTON
Quiet, computer wife, this time it’ll work! I’ll make everyone love my
chum burgers through the power of hypnosis. (he chuckles to himself) It’s
almost too easy.

He holds up a DVD package. Karen magnifies its

cover for us: “BEGINNER’S GUIDE TO HYPNOSIS:
IT’S ALMOST TOO EASY.”

PLANKTON (CONT’D)
Soon they’ll all see. I may be small, but my genius is immense!

KAREN
Come on, Sheldon. It’d take forever to hypnotize the whole town.

PLANKTON
(hurt) You used to enjoy my evil schemes.

KAREN
What can I say? After twenty years of marriage, the magic’s gone.

Focus shifts back to Mr. Krabs.

MR. KRABS
THEY SAY THAT MONEY DOESN’T MATTER WHEN YOU LOVE YOUR WORK
WHO WOULD SAY THAT? PROBABLY SOME PENNILESS JERK!

PLANKTON
SOON THE DAY WILL COME
WHEN THEY’LL ALL LOVE CHUM!
IT’S JUST A MATTER OF TIME

KAREN AND MR. KRABS

BIKINI BOTTOM
Draft 11.29.17 10.

PLANKTON
TIL I GET THEM IN LINE!

KAREN AND MR. KRABS

BIKINI BOTTOM

PLANKTON
AND THIS TOWN IS ALL MINE

PLANKTON, MR. KRABS, KAREN

JUST A TYPICAL BIKINI BOTTOM DAY.

Focus back on SpongeBob as he continues

through town, all grins. THE MAYOR OF BIKINI
BOTTOM passes by, eyes on her shellphone.
SpongeBob shouts to her—

SPONGEBOB
Good morning, Ms. Mayor!

MAYOR OF BIKINI BOTTOM

Pipe down, I’m governing here! (she hits a button on her shellphone and
we hear the distinctive sound of a “Tweet” being fired off)

Now SpongeBob passes by MRS. PUFF.

SPONGEBOB
Hello, Mrs. Puff!!

She’s startled by SpongeBob and lets out a little

shriek.

MRS. PUFF
SpongeBob, please, I almost spilled my kelp-accino.

Now LARRY THE LOBSTER passes by, pumping

dumbbells in his claws.

SPONGEBOB
Heya, Larry the Lobster!

LARRY THE LOBSTER

(dodging SpongeBob) Watch where you’re going, puny dude. I’m getting
these claws swole!

SpongeBob spots OLD MAN JENKINS.

Draft 11.29.17 11.

SPONGEBOB
Hi, Old Man Jenkins!

Old Man Jenkins doesn’t hear him—he’s half-

deaf. So SpongeBob shouts louder.

SPONGEBOB (CONT’D)
HELLO!!

OLD MAN JENKINS

Get off my lawn!

Even this, SpongeBob takes in with a grin.

SPONGEBOB
Hello lawn! Hello street! (to the CONDUCTOR) Greetings Maestro! (to the
FOLEY ARTIST) Hello guy making all the sounds! Hello sky! Hello flowers!
Hello… Bikini Bottom!!!!!

The curtain rises to reveal the town of Bikini

Bottom. It’s an explosion of life and color and
characters: onstage and around the audience.
An immersive plunge into a swirling world of
wacky creatures and psychedelic sights.

GROUP 1 GROUP 2
ON MY WAY!
HEY!
THE PULSE IS PUMPING THE PULSE IS PUMPING
AND THE TRAFFIC’S FIN TO FIN AND THE TRAFFIC’S FIN TO FIN
WHAT A DAY
HEY!
LOOKS LIKE THE WEATHER IS LOOKS LIKE THE WEATHER IS
THE BEST IT’S EVER BEEN THE BEST IT’S EVER BEEN

SPONGEBOB
WE’VE GOT THE BEST SUN EVER

GROUP 1 GROUP 2
IT’S SUNNY WEATHER
YEAH, SUNNY WEATHER
IN THE FLOW
WHOA!
SWIM WITH THE CURRENT SWIM WITH THE CURRENT
‘TIL IT CARRIES YOU ALONG ‘TIL IT CARRIES YOU ALONG
Draft 11.29.17 12.

GROUP 1 GROUP 2 (CONT’D)

HERE WE GO
WHOA!
ANOTHER BUSY DAY WHERE ANOTHER BUSY DAY WHERE
NOTHING WILL GO WRONG NOTHING WILL GO WRONG

ALL
I WILL ALWAYS VOW AND PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE TO
THIS TOWN THAT I HOLD DEAR FOR ALL ARE WELCOME HERE
BIKINI BOTTOM BLUE
YES, I’LL STAY TRUE TO

GROUP 1 GROUP 2
THE BIKINI BOTTOM WAY
BIKINI BOTTOM WAY
BIKINI BOTTOM WAY
BIKINI BOTTOM WAY
BIKINI BOTTOM WAY
BIKINI BOTTOM WAY

GROUP 1 GROUP 2
BIKINI BOTTOM WAY
BIKINI BOTTOM WAY
BIKINI BOTTOM WAY
BIKINI BO-
BIKINI BOTTOM WAY BIKINI BOTTOM WAY

SPONGEBOB ALL OTHERS

AND IT’S THE BEST DAY EVER AHH!

ALL
HEY! HEY!

SPONGEBOB, SANDY, PATRICK ALL OTHERS

IN THE WORLD RENOWNED IN THE WORLD
WORLD RENOWNED
BIKINI BOTTOM OUR OWN HOME
TOWN OWN HOME TOWN
BIKINI BOTTOM!
Draft 11.29.17 13.

SPONGEBOB, SANDY, PATRICK ALL OTHERS (CONT’D)

AND THE SUN AND THE SUN
SHINES DOWN SUN SHINES DOWN
THE SUN SHINES DOWN SUN SHINES DOWN
YES THE SUN SHINES DOWN SUN SHINES
THE SUN SHINES DOWN DOWN

ALL OTHERS
IT’S A TYPICAL –

SPONGEBOB
INCREDIBLE! –

ALL OTHERS
A REGULAR –

SPONGEBOB
EXCEPTIONAL –

ALL OTHERS
AN ORDINARY –

SPONGEBOB
EXTRAORDINARY –

ALL
BIKINI BOTTOM -
DAY!

SPONGEBOB GROUP 1 GROUP 2

WORLD REKNOWNED
WORLD REKNOWNED
WORLD REKNOWNED BIKINI BOTTOM
DAY DAY DAY

The song ends. Lights shift.

Draft 11.29.17 14.

SCENE 2: THE KRUSTY KRAB

SpongeBob strolls into the Krusty Krab.

Squidward is there behind the cash register.

SPONGEBOB
I can’t wait for another fine day at the finest eating establishment ever
established for eating.

SQUIDWARD
And here I thought it was a third-rate greasepot.

SPONGEBOB
The finest third-rate greasepot, where I am proud to be Fry Cook of the
Month.

SQUIDWARD
You’re the only fry cook.

He leans his hand on the stovetop. It starts to

burn. SpongeBob doesn’t even notice.

SPONGEBOB
There should be a prize for that too.

Squidward points out SpongeBob’s burning

hand. SpongeBob smiles, then flips it like a
burger.

SQUIDWARD
Riiiight. I, for one, have my sights set beyond this place. I’ve been
developing a one-man show starring an as-yet-undiscovered young,
handsome...and very leggy...talent. I call it: Tentacle Spectacle, the Musical.

We see a quick flash of the PlayGill program!

SQUIDWARD (CONT.) (CONT’D)

My mother (he gazes lovingly at the heavens) always said I belonged on
the stage.

Mr. Krabs has arrived during the tail end of that

line, and overheard it. His response—

MR. KRABS
You’d make a great tree. Now look sharp, boys, my precious whale
daughter is here! Pearl!
Draft 11.29.17 15.

His daughter PEARL (a whale), bounds onstage.

She’s got a shell phone to her ear.

MR. KRABS (CONT’D)

Just soak it in, me darlin’ daughter—one day this’ll all be yours.

PEARL
Hey girl. Call you back. (she hangs up)

MR. KRABS
Soon as you graduate high school, I’ll start you as manager.

PEARL
But Da-ad! I have my own dreams.

MR. KRABS
Like what? Listenin’ to that boy band fourteen hours a day?

PEARL
(teenaged pout) They’re called the Electric Skates.

SPONGEBOB
Uh, Mr. Krabs? If she doesn’t want to be manager, I know someone who’d
be great for the job.

MR. KRABS
You?? A fry cook is all you’ll ever be. You’re just a simple sponge, boy. And
yet somehow you don’t seem to absorb very much.

He laughs. Then suddenly the whole entire town

is laughing at SpongeBob (at least in his mind).
Suddenly it all freezes, and we “ZOOM IN” for a
close-up on SpongeBob. Music begins.

*SONG: BIKINI BOTTOM DAY REPRISE – by Jonathan Coulton

SPONGEBOB
WHY CAN’T THEY SEE? -
I WORE MY GOOD SHOES AND I'VE GOT MY TIE ON.
MAYBE IT'S ME -
AM I JUST A SIMPLE SPONGE YOU CAN'T RELY ON?

ALL I WANT IS SOMEONE TO NOTICE WHO I AM -

DO YOU HAVE MAKE ME SAY IT OUT LOUD?
COME ON MR. KRABS, THIS IS MORE THAN JUST A JOB,
Draft 11.29.17 16.

SPONGEBOB (CONT’D)
LET ME SHOW YOU, LET ME MAKE YOU PROUD.

I’VE BEEN WAITING PATIENTLY

TO BE THE SPONGE I’M MEANT TO BE -
WON’T ANYONE BELIEVE IN MEEEEE--

SpongeBob is interrupted by a GIANT RUMBLE.

Everything on stage shakes. SpongeBob tries
again.
EEEEEE--

Another RUMBLE.
EEEEEE--

Yet another RUMBLE.

SQUIDWARD
Um. Is that something we should worry about?

SPONGEBOB
Nah.

But then, lights snap up on news anchor PERCH

PERKINS. He speaks with urgency and intensity.
Think: cable news in a moment of crisis.

PERCH PERKINS
Breaking news: that is something we should worry about! After today’s
second unexplained tremor, smoke has been sighted at the top of Mount
Humongous—the long-slumbering volcano of doom.

On screen: MOUNT HUMONGOUS is revealed,

looking very scary indeed. Smoke is rising from
the top of the mountain.

PERCH PERKINS (CONT’D)

And now, a live statement from the mayor of our town.

Lights rise on the Mayor of Bikini Bottom.

MAYOR OF BIKINI BOTTOM

Ladies and gentlefish, if this mountain erupts, orange rivers of steaming
lava will obliterate all we know and love. (abrupt beat shift, placid smile)
Don’t worry, your government has everything under control.
Draft 11.29.17 17.

MAYOR OF BIKINI BOTTOM (CONT’D)

I’m starting an initiative to assemble a committee to identify a strategy to
evaluate the situation. In the meantime, all citizens must return home and
remain indoors. The threat level is now Code Orange.

Focus snaps back to the Krusty Krab.

Underscoring begins.

MR. KRABS
Nooo! This means we’re going to have to… (it’s hard for him to even get
out the words) close for the day.

Meanwhile, SpongeBob is looking out at the

street, watching all the denizens of Bikini
Bottom as they hurry home.

SPONGEBOB
I don’t get why everyone’s so worried. Sure, that volcano might destroy
everything. But on the other hand, it might not.

SQUIDWARD
When are you going to learn, SpongeBob? The world is a horrible place
filled with fear, suffering and despair. (beat, then) Also dashed hopes,
shattered dreams, broken promises and abject misery.

SPONGEBOB
(with giant grin) But it’s our horrible place… with the best abject misery
there is!

Squidward, Krabs and Pearl all groan and exit,

leaving SpongeBob alone.

SpongeBob looks over at Perch Perkins.

SPONGEBOB (CONT’D)
They’ll see: everything’s under control. Right?

Perch shakes his head, ominously, and starts to

sing.
Draft 11.29.17 18.

SCENE 3: BIKINI BOTTOM

* SONG: NO CONTROL – by David Bowie and Brian Eno

PERCH PERKINS
(singing to SpongeBob)
NO FISH KNOWS THE FUTURE,
NOT A SINGLE SHARK OR SOLE
IT’S ALL DERANGED – NO CONTROL

SPONGEBOB
Don’t you think you’re being a little negative?

PERCH PERKINS OTHERS

THE TOWN IS UNDER CURFEW AHH
THE FISH-POLICE ARE ON PATROL AHH
IT’S ALL DERANGED - NO CONTROL AHH - NO CONTROL

All around the stage, citizens of Bikini Bottom

are hurrying home in fear.

MR. KRABS
PEARL, COME WITH ME. LET'S STAY IN TODAY
I NEED TO MAKE SURE ME MONEY'S OKAY

PEARL
BUT DADDY, NO FAIR! MY TRIP TO THE MALL!
DOES THIS MEAN I CAN'T GO SHOPPING AT ALL?

PERCH PERKINS OTHERS

CRISIS AND DISASTER CRISIS AND DISASTER
FUTURE AS BLACK AS COAL NO
IT’S ALL DERANGED- NO CONTROL IT’S ALL DERANGED- NO CONTROL

SQUIDWARD
STUCK HERE AT HOME, BUT I'M NOT UPSET
AN EVENING ALONE WITH MY CLARINET

PATRICK OTHERS
THIS COULD TAKE A WHILE,
SO I SHOULD RELAX
BUT THE STORES ARE ALL CLOSED
AND I’M OUT OF SNACKS! AHH OUT OF SNACKS

ALL
NO CONTROL!
Draft 11.29.17 19.

SpongeBob strolls by Sandy, who holds a stack of

scientific printouts.

SPONGEBOB
LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA -

SANDY
SpongeBob, what are you doing out of your pineapple? Everyone’s
supposed to be inside.

SPONGEBOB
It’s going to be fine. The Mayor said she’ll handle it. And everyone knows,
you can always trust the government.

SANDY
Well I’ve got news, hot off the griddle. (holding up a stack of printouts) I
did some calculations… and that volcano is gonna erupt, as sure as a
rhinestone cowboy at a disco rodeo. I figured out when, too. It’s gonna
happen at sundown tomorrow!!!!

The stack of printouts accordion out of Sandy’s

hands and onto SpongeBob’s foot.

SPONGEBOB
Okay Sandy, but...

SANDY
I’m serious as a guacamole shortage at a taco party!

Suddenly a white board appears, on which

Sandy shows images to illustrate her findings.

SANDY (CONT’D)
I determined the timeline through analysis of seismic activity, gas
emissions, geomagnetic and gravimetric changes. Over the next 36 hours,
tremors will increase and boulders will fall, eventually leading to a
cataclysmic eruption which will completely destroy Bikini Bottom. The
End is nigh.

SPONGEBOB
The end End?
Draft 11.29.17 20.

SANDY
(Sandy nods, sings gently)
THE SCIENCE IS CLEAR,
I’M AFRAID IT’S TRUE
THE END’S REALLY HERE.
THERE’S NOTHING WE CAN DO.

SANDY ENSEMBLE
AND IF I READ THESE BUM BA BUM BUM BA BUM BUM BA BA
NUMBERS RIGHT BUM BA BUM BUM BA BUM BUM

SANDY
OUR TIME IS UP….
TOMORROW NIGHT! (belt)

SPONGEBOB
Tomorrow…?

SANDY OTHERS
TOMORROW NIGHT!! TOMORROW NIGHT?

PERCH, SANDY, SPONGEBOB

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! –

SPONGEBOB SOPRANO/TENOR BIKINIANS

NO CONTROL! THE END IS COMING!

PEARL ALTO/BARITONE BIKINIANS

NO CONTROL! THE END IS COMING!

PERCH SOPRANO/TENOR BIKINIANS

NO CONTROL! THE END IS COMING!

SANDY, SPONGEBOB,
PATRICK & PERCH MANY BIKINIANS
THE END IS COMING!
I CAN'T BELIEVE THE END IS COMING!
I'VE NO CONTROL THE END IS COMING! THE END IS COMING!
IT'S ALL DERANGED THE END! THE END!
IS! IS! COMING!
THE END IS COMING!
DEEERANGED THE END! THE END!
IS! IS! COMING!
THE END IS COMING!
DEEEEERAAAANGED - THE END IS -
Draft 11.29.17 21.

ALL
AAAAAH -

A GIANT DOOMSDAY CLOCK is erected in the

center of the town. It has a giant clock hand
that’s ticking slowly toward the words “THE
END”.

ALL (CONT’D)
AAAAAAH!!!!

Tick... tick...

ALL (CONT’D)
AAAAAAH!!!!

Everyone stops screaming except for Patrick…

Draft 11.29.17 22.

SCENE 4: PATRICK’S ROCK

Patrick is running around in circles around his

couch. Freaking out.

PATRICK
AAAAAH!!!!

SpongeBob comes bursting in.

SPONGEBOB
Patrick! (Patrick doesn’t hear him; he’s screaming too loudly. So now
SpongeBob screams even louder) PATRICK!

This finally stops Patrick.

SPONGEBOB (CONT’D)
You have to pull it together! Breathe… in, out… eyes here.

PATRICK
(hyperventilating) But you don’t understand… I’m stuck inside and I can’t
watch any of my shows. Because all that’s on TV is THIS!

He pulls out his TV remote and turns it on. We

hear—

PERCH PERKINS (FROM TV)

The end is coming! The end is coming—

SpongeBob clicks off the TV.

SPONGEBOB
Hey buddy, I get it. I get stressed out too sometimes. Like when Mr. Krabs
says I’m not manager material.

PATRICK
(confused) Manager material? You mean like polyester?

SPONGEBOB
He said I’d never be more than a fry cook.

PATRICK
What? (suddenly and massively offended on his best friend’s behalf)
You are the most dependable, most responsible, most absorbent sponge
I’ve ever met.
Draft 11.29.17 23.

SPONGEBOB
Thanks Patrick.

PATRICK
You just want some respect. I get that. I mean, I have a lot of great ideas,
but no one ever pays attention to —

SPONGEBOB
(interrupting him) We’re getting off topic, Patrick. The point is, we’re
gonna get through this emergency together. And we don’t need television,
as long as we have...

SPONGEBOB PATRICK
...imaginaaaaaation! ...ice cream!
(correcting himself) ...imagination.

SPONGEBOB
Right! Because we’re B-F-F.

PATRICK
B-F-F. (trying to sound it out) Bfffffff?

SPONGEBOB
Best Friends Forever.

PATRICK
I still don’t get it.

SpongeBob sings.

*SONG: BFF - by Plain White Ts

SPONGEBOB
I GOT YOU, AND YOU GOT ME.
I DON’T NEED MY GLASSES ON TO SEE WE'RE BOTH PRETTY LUCKY.
STUCK INSIDE WITH NO TV,
STILL I’M STUCK WITH YOU SO I’M AS HAPPY AS CAN BE!

LETS HAVE SOME FUN TOGETHER,

WE’LL BE BEST FRIENDS FOREVER,
BFF THAT STANDS FOR US.

PATRICK
There’s nothing more fun than mindless entertainment, SpongeBob.
Draft 11.29.17 24.

SPONGEBOB
Eh.
MAYBE SO, BUT ALL I KNOW
IS RIGHT HERE WE’VE GOT ALL WE NEED
TO MAKE TODAY PRETTY SPECIAL

LET’S EXPLORE, OPEN EVERY DRAWER -

PATRICK
HEY, YOU FOUND MY LONG LOST CHEESE!

SPONGEBOB
THAT'S WHAT FRIENDS ARE FOR!
LETS HAVE SOME FUN TOGETHER,

PATRICK
YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND FOREVER,

BOTH
BFF THAT STANDS FOR –

And now, a spontaneous dance break.

PATRICK & SPONGEBOB

We’re best friends and this is the friend dance! We’re best friends and this
is the friend dance! We’re best friends and—

Then, abruptly and ridiculously, they transition

into the next section of the song.

BOTH
EVERY LITTLE THING THAT I CAN THINK OF DOING
JUST SOUNDS BETTER DOING IT TOGETHER.
EVERY LITTLE THING THAT I CAN THINK OF DOING
JUST SOUNDS BETTER DOING IT TOGETHER
DOING IT WITH YOU!

SPONGEBOB
Hey! Check this out.

He pulls on one end of the couch and it expands,

slinky-style. SpongeBob shouts at his friend from
the far end.
Draft 11.29.17 25.

SPONGEBOB (CONT’D)
The Incredible Stretching Sofa!

PATRICK
It’s alivvvvve!

He shakes it to make it “alive” like a giant worm.

But it slips out of his grip.

PATRICK (CONT’D)
It got away! (as the couch hits SpongeBob, knocking him over) You okay?

SPONGEBOB
(grinning, as he gets up) Sure! What’s a minor concussion between friends?

PATRICK
Ooh ooh, I have an idea…

Patrick runs over, and with SpongeBob’s help

turns the couch into a hot tub. Bubbles start
rising out of it.

SPONGEBOB
I love me some bubbles in my bath.

PATRICK
I love me some bubbles anywhere.

SPONGEBOB
Okay, since you’re so into bubbles, I’m gonna make you the biggest
baddest bubble ever!

They turn the couch into a giant bubble.

SPONGEBOB (CONT’D)
FLOATING HIGH LIKE A BUBBLE IN THE SKY
FEELING GOOD JUST LIKE I SHOULD AND YOU'RE THE REASON WHY!
LET'S HAVE SOME FUN TOGETHER-

PATRICK
WE'LL BE BEST FRIENDS FOREVER -

BOTH
BFF THAT STANDS FOR US
Draft 11.29.17 26.

Three giant-sized letters – B F F – enter dancing

and circle around the friends.

BOTH (CONT’D)
THIS CAN'T GET ANY BETTER
YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND FOREVER
BFF THAT STANDS FOR US
BFF THAT STANDS FOR US
BFF THAT STANDS FOR…
SPONGEBOB AND PATRICK...
THAT STANDS FOR US. OH!

As the song ends, there’s the sound of an AIR

RAID SIREN. We hear the voice of the Mayor
over a loudspeaker.

MAYOR OF BIKINI BOTTOM

All citizens report to the town square! All citizens to the town square!

SpongeBob and Patrick exchange a look, then

head out. Lights shift as the stage fills with
Bikinians…
Draft 11.29.17 27.

SCENE 5: BIKINI BOTTOM TOWN SQUARE

The Mayor addresses an assembled crowd.

MAYOR OF BIKINI BOTTOM (CONT’D)

Ladies and gentlefish, we only have until sundown tomorrow. But I will
lead us through this crisis by setting meetings to encourage dialogue
about drafting proposals for eventual action.

SQUIDWARD
So, we’re doomed.

SARDINE 1
I’m scared!

SARDINE 2
Me too!

SARDINE 1
We need someone to save us!

MRS. PUFF
What we need is a task force.

MR. KRABS
Force? Mrs. Puff... ye-es. We can build a giant force field around Bikini
Bottom.

SANDY
Only problem is, force fields don’t actually exist.

LARRY THE LOBSTER

Bummer.

OLD MAN JENKINS

I say we find whoever’s to blame for all this.

BUSTER BLUETANG SANDY

Yes! There’s no one to --

OLD MAN JENKINS

And offer them to the volcano as a sacrifice!
Draft 11.29.17 28.

MR. KRABS
Does anyone have a plan that can actually work?

PATRICK
Ooh ooh I do! Call on me! Me me me me!

MAYOR OF BIKINI BOTTOM

Yes, enthusiastic sea star?

PATRICK
If we all close our eyes, maybe nothing will happen.

Beat. The Sardines nod slowly, solemnly

accepting this as wisdom.

SARDINES
So. Deep.

SQUIDWARD
No it’s not. It’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.

PATRICK
Hooray! (realizing what he said) Wait…

SANDY
I’ve got it. We can find a way to halt the exponential increase of
pyroclastic flow in the subterranean magma chamber.

SPONGEBOB
Yeah, what she said. (beat) What did she say?

SANDY
Science, y’all. That’s the answer!

The crowd seems excited by this possibility.

Then everyone freezes… and we ZOOM IN on
Plankton and Karen.

PLANKTON
I have a new scheme, Karen, my best one yet. But for it to work, I need
them to stay scared.
Draft 11.29.17 29.

KAREN
What’re you talking about? The end is coming, this is no time for one of
your schemes.

PLANKTON
Oh yes it is. What you said was true: it would take too long to hypnotize
each of them into loving my chum burgers. But when fish are scared, they
school together. If I get them all in one place, trapped where there’s
nowhere to run, I can hypnotize them in bulk! First, though, I need to shut
down this squirrel.

Now we snap out of our “close up.” Plankton

shouts to the crowd—

PLANKTON (CONT’D)
Ahem! Excuse me!

MAYOR OF BIKINI BOTTOM

Yes? Speak up, tiny citizen.

Plankton glares. He hates being called “little.”

Then…

PLANKTON
Do any of you actually believe that science can save us?

Various Townsfish mumble “yes”, “sure” and

“sounds pretty good to me.”

PLANKTON (CONT’D)
(biting sarcasm) Oh come on. Next she’ll tell us tidal warming is real!

Now some Townsfish start grumbling. They’re

starting to lose faith in Sandy. She bristles and
defends herself.

SANDY
I’m been studyin’ Bikini Bottom for years now. With a little time to dig
through my research…

PLANKTON
We only have until sundown tomorrow.
Draft 11.29.17 30.

Various sounds of agreement from the crowd. He

has a point. The crowd is starting to turn
against Sandy.

SANDY
If you’d just trust me…

PLANKTON
Why should we trust you? You’re not even from here.

OLD MAN JENKINS

Yeah. You’re a land mammal.

SANDY
Since when does that matter?

OLD MAN JENKINS

Things are different now. Our town is under attack.

Sandy recoils. Hit hard by that.

PLANKTON
(to the crowd) You know what they say, folks: when the going gets tough…

BUSTER BLUETANG
(sounding pumped) The tough get going!

PLANKTON
No, the tough get lost.

Confused sounds from the assembled crowd:

“Huh?” “What?” Among them we hear...

LARRY THE LOBSTER

Dude, that is not the saying.

Plankton is worried. He doesn’t want to lose

them. Everyone freezes and Plankton turns to
Karen.

PLANKTON
I need to sell them on my plan, Karen, but it won’t be easy. I’m going to
need to do it in song. Give me some music. (when she hesitates) Please.

Karen sighs and reluctantly obliges, providing

him with some country-fried music.
Draft 11.29.17 31.

Which is not what Plankton was hoping for. He

shakes his head, rejecting it.

PLANKTON (CONT’D)
No. That won’t win over anyone.

Karen does some jazz scatting. Plankton doesn’t

like that either.

PLANKTON (CONT’D)
No no, too cerebral. I need something with mass appeal. (an idea) Give me
a beat, Karen. A hip hop beat.

KAREN
Come on, Sheldon. You couldn’t rap if your life depended on it.

PLANKTON
Oh yeah? Watch.

He starts the song very uncomfortable and

straight – a one-celled organism trying to rap
for the first time in his life.

* SONG: WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH – by T.I., Domani Harris and Darwin
Quinn

Over the course of the song, Plankton wins more

and more of the Townsfish over to his point of
view. And the more Townsfish he wins, the more
confident he becomes in his performance.

PLANKTON (CONT’D)
THIS TASK FORCE IS FOR LOSERS
I’VE GOT THE PERFECT PLAN
RIGHT NOW THE GETTIN’S GOOD,
SO LET’S GET OUT WHILE WE CAN

LOOK, LAVA’S PRETTY HOT

LET’S GIVE IN TO OUR FEAR
DISASTER’S ON ITS WAY THAT MEANS WE
CAN’T SPEND NO MORE TIME IN HERE!

YOU ALL KNOW WHO I AM

EVIL GENIUS? GIANT BRAIN?
YOU CAN’T STOP A VOLCANO,
I MEAN, ARE YOU ALL INSANE?
Draft 11.29.17 32.

PLANKTON (CONT’D)
THE ONES WHO STAY WILL ALL BE
VAPORIZED WITHOUT A DOUBT
BEFORE THAT SUCKER BLOWS WE’VE
GOT TO GET THE FISH OUT!

KAREN
(FISH OUT, FISH OUT, FISH OUT)

Suddenly four fish appear to serve as Plankton’s

Backup Singers/Dancers.

PLANKTON BACKUPS
So let’s go.
UH LE-GO
And be gone.
AND BE GONE
Uh le-go.
UH LE-GO
And be gone.
AND BE GONE
UH LE-GO
UH LE-GO
AND BE GONE
AND BE GONE
UH LE-GO
UH LE-GO
AND BE GONE
AND BE GONE

CUZ WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH

WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH
THAT MEANS IT’S TIME TO GET LOST
THAT MEANS IT’S TIME TO GET LOST
WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH
WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH
THAT MEANS IT’S TIME TO GET LOST
THAT MEANS IT’S TIME TO GET LOST
SO LE-GO
AND WE GONE LET’S BE GONE!

Karen has been watching Plankton as he

performs, and as his confidence grows. He’s
getting more and more swagger with every line.
Draft 11.29.17 33.

Karen is impressed with him, for the first time in

a long while.

SpongeBob, however, doesn’t like where this is going.

SPONGEBOB
HOLD ON, PLANKTON
I AM SIMPLY SHOCKED
BIKINI BOTTOM IS OUR HOME
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’D TALK ABOUT JUST WALKING OUT
LET’S FIGURE OUT A WAY TO STAY
TODAY, TOMORROW
I FEEL SORROW, I FEEL FEAR
BUT I’M NOT LEAVING HERE. WHO’S WITH ME?

SANDY
I am!

But before any else can join SpongeBob,

Plankton interrupts.

PLANKTON
OH THE SIMPLE SPONGE IS TALKING
FASCINATING, DO GO ON!
THE FRY COOK HAS A PLAN, GOOD
LUCK WITH THAT, CAUSE I’LL BE GONE
YOU DON’T JUST WAIT AROUND
WHEN YOU’RE UNDER ATTACK,
NO, YOU—

BACK UP FISH
RUN LIKE CRAZY

PLANKTON
OUT THE BACK
YOU GOT BACK UP FISH
ONE DAY LEFT ONE DAY LEFT
GO HOME AND PACK! GO HOME AND PACK!
Draft 11.29.17 34.

PLANKTON OTHERS
CUZ WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH
WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH
THAT MEANS IT’S TIME TO GET LOST
THAT MEANS IT’S TIME TO GET LOST
WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH
WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH
THAT MEANS IT’S TIME TO GET LOST
THAT MEANS IT’S TIME TO GET LOST
SO LE-GO
AND WE GONE LET’S BE GONE!

The music vamps.

PLANKTON
Of course, mass evacuation is no simple feat. We’ll need to leave together,
in a vessel that can trap us all… (quick correction) I mean fit us all. A Giant
Escape Pod.

He holds up a mail order catalogue: GIANT

ESCAPE PODS R US. The crowd cheers.

PLANKTON (CONT’D)
This Pod will take us far away from here, to build a new home. We’ll call it…

PEARL
(shouting a suggestion) Bikini Line!

LARRY THE LOBSTER

Bikini Wax!

MRS. PUFF
Brazilian!

PLANKTON
No. Chumville! (after the crowd’s “HUH?”) Because… we’re all… chums.

Mr. Krabs interrupts.

MR. KRABS
Hold on, tiny dancer. I wasn’t hatched yesterday. This sounds like another
one of your schemes.

PLANKTON
At a time like this? How could you think such a thing?
Draft 11.29.17 35.

MR. KRABS
You’ve got something up your sleeve.

PLANKTON
I’m a one-celled organism. I don’t even have sleeves.

KAREN
OHHHHHHH….!

OTHERS
OHHH!

PLANKTON
Watch this, Karen. Break it down now!

Dance Break!

And then, Plankton speed raps...

PLANKTON (CONT’D)
COMING UP AS ONE OF MANY, MOM AND DAD HAD PLENTY MORE OF
ME, AND 20/20 VISION, NEVER HAD IT, SO I HAD TO
BE A DEVASTATING CONVERSATING LUMINOUS COMMUNI-
CATOR, HOPING LATER EVERY HATER OF THIS LITTLE TINY
NERDY ME WOULD PAY. YOU NEVER HEARD OF ME? OKAY I AM A
GIANT, I DON’T GIVE IT UP, I LIVE IT UP, I’M FLOATING IN THE
SALINE, RUNNING FROM THE BALENE, CUZ I AM A
CELEBRATED SINGLE CELL OF CILIATED CEREBELLIC GENIUS
HEH! HEH! HEH!

ALL
UH LE-GO

PLANKTON/GROUP 1 KAREN/ GROUP 2

UH LE-GO
AND BE GONE
AND BE GONE
UH LE-GO
Draft 11.29.17 36.

PLANKTON & KAREN GROUP 1 GROUP 2

OHH UH LE-GO
AND BE GONE
AND BE GONE
WHOA UH LE-GO
UH LE-GO
AND BE GONE
AND BE GONE
WHOA UH LE-GO
UH LE-GO
AND WE GONE AND WE GONE AND WE GONE

PLANKTON/OTHERS OTHERS MAYOR

CUZ WHEN THE GOING
GETS TOUGH
WHEN THE GOING EEE-
GETS TOUGH NEEE
THAT MEANS IT’S
TIME TO GET LOST
THAT MEANS IT’S AH-SO
TIME TO GET LOST GLUM-LEE

WHEN THE GOING

GETS TOUGH TAY-
WHEN THE GOING AHH
GETS TOUGH
THAT MEANS IT’S TAH
TIME TO GET LOST THAT MEANS IT’S EEE-
TIME TO GET LOST NY
AND WE GONE

ALL
YES WE GONE
LET’S BE GONE
SO LE-GO!

The song ends.

MAYOR OF BIKINI BOTTOM

Well, Plankton, it seems your plan is the will of the fish.

PLANKTON
(aside to Karen) It worked, Karen. They listened to me. They treated me
like I was their size.
Draft 11.29.17 37.

SPONGEBOB
Wait everyone - we can’t just leave!

The Mayor ignores him.

MAYOR OF BIKINI BOTTOM

We’ll order the escape pod, cash on delivery (she accepts the catalogue
from Buster Bluetang) – thank you, Buster Bluetang. (she looks down at
the ESCAPE POD CATALOG) Expedited shipping by 6pm next business day.
Just in time to get us out before sundown tomorrow. And it only costs
(beat) Neptune’s Trident! There aren’t enough clams in all Bikini Bottom
to pay for this!

SPONGEBOB
I guess we’ll have to stay.

The fish are losing faith in Plankton’s plan.

He can’t let that happen.

PLANKTON
No! (trying to figure out a solution) We can… uh, we can raise the funds,
from every corner of these seven seas.

SQUIDWARD
By sundown tomorrow? There's not a chance in kelp.

LARRY THE LOBSTER

Yeah, the only way I ever give money is if a celebrity asks.

Plankton is starting to feel defeated… when

Pearl chimes in excitedly.

PEARL
That’s it! We could have a benefit concert!

PLANKTON
I have an idea: we could have a benefit concert. One of those charity shell-
e-thons. We’ll broadcast far and wide.

MAYOR OF BIKINI BOTTOM

We can have the concert tomorrow afternoon.

SQUIDWARD
I have the perfect piece for the occasion: Tentacle Spectacle the Musical.
I’ll give you a little taste. Maestro!
Draft 11.29.17 38.

He gestures to the band to play.

SQUIDWARD (CONT’D)
LOOK OUT WORLD, ‘CAUSE HERE I COME…

Larry the Lobster cuts him off.

LARRY THE LOBSTER

Whoa! Dude! You are not a celebrity.

PEARL
But the Electric Skates are. We should get them to play!

Several other teenagers shout in agreement.

MAYOR OF BIKINI BOTTOM

Who loves the Electric Skates and is old enough to vote? (Many fish raise hands)
Then the Electric Skates it shall be.

Pearl lets out a delighted scream.

PEARL
AAAAH! I’m going to meet them!!!!!

Mr. Krabs decides to nip that in the bud.

MR. KRABS
You’re not meeting anyone, young lady. You’re staying inside.

MAYOR OF BIKINI BOTTOM

And don’t worry Squidward, we won’t leave you out. You can be Official
Concert Organizer. You’ll cater to the band’s every crazy whim and
unreasonable demand.

SQUIDWARD
Actually, that doesn’t sound very…

MAYOR OF BIKINI BOTTOM

(barreling over him) Yes, tomorrow afternoon’s concert will raise the
money to pay for the pod that will make the move to our new home in
Chumville! Start packing. It won’t be long before we kiss our Bikini
Bottom goodbye.

The crowd starts dispersing.

Draft 11.29.17 39.

The focus shifts to SpongeBob, watching

everyone leave. He’s dismayed. He goes to Sandy
and pleads.

SPONGEBOB
We can’t abandon our home.

SANDY
They’ve made up their minds, SpongeBob. About me too.

SPONGEBOB
You need to tell them again, we can use science to—

SANDY
(shaking her head) They’re not going to listen to a land mammal.

With that, Sandy exits too.

SPONGEBOB
(to himself) We can’t just give up.

MR. KRABS
(to SpongeBob) Let it go, boy. There’s nothing you can do. I told you
before: you’re just a simple sponge.

Now he too leaves.

Everyone has left the stage now except for

Spongebob.

Mr. Krabs’ words… A SIMPLE SPONGE…

continue to echo in SpongeBob’s mind as music
begins.

SpongeBob sings.

*SONG: (JUST A) SIMPLE SPONGE – by Panic! At the Disco

SPONGEBOB
SURE, I SPEND MY DAYS FLOATING AROUND
HEAD IN THE BUBBLES AND MY FEET ON THE GROUND,
BUT THERE IS MORE TO ME THAN JUST MY NAME -
GIVE ME A CHANCE AND I COULD CHANGE THE GAME.
AND MAYBE ONE DAY, MR. KRABS, YOU’LL SAY
"THE KRUSTY KRAB’S YOURS, IT’S YOUR LUCKY DAY!”
Draft 11.29.17 40.

SPONGEBOB (CONT’D)
THAT IS WHAT I’VE ALWAYS WANTED,
THEN I CAN FINALLY SAY I’VE DONE IT.

At this point, a CHORUS OF SPONGE SINGERS

enter and back up SpongeBob.

SPONGEBOB (CONT’D)
LET ME HAVE ADVENTURE, BE A CONTENDER - AND MORE

CHORUS
'CAUSE YOU’RE NOT A SIMPLE SPONGE

SPONGEBOB
I WISH HE’D SEE I’M NOT JUST THE SPONGE-NEXT-DOOR

CHORUS
NO, YOU’RE NOT A SIMPLE SPONGE.

SPONGEBOB
THERE’S GOT TO BE A BETTER WAY,
A WAY TO SAVE THIS TOWN I LOVE.
BUT HOW CAN I STOP THE END OF THE WORLD?
AM I JUST A SIMPLE SPONGE?

CHORUS
NO, YOU’RE NOT A SIMPLE SPONGE.

SPONGEBOB
SO WHAT IF I’M A SPONGE? IT’S WHAT I WANT TO BE
THERE ISN’T ANYONE WHO STRETCHES LIKE ME
EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH, TWO YEARS IN A ROW
UNDISPUTED MASTER OF MY OWN DOJO

AND EVERYONE HERE KNOWS THAT THEY CAN DEPEND

ON THIS EXPERT JELLYFISHER WHO’S A TRUSTED FRIEND

SPONGEBOB (CONT’D)
I CAN EAT A LOT OF ICE CREAM
I CAN EVEN PLAY MY NOSE LIKE:

He plays his nose.

Draft 11.29.17 41.

SPONGEBOB (CONT’D) CHORUS

LET ME HAVE ADVENTURE, BE A CONTENDER OOH
- AND MORE.

CHORUS
'CAUSE YOU’RE NOT A SIMPLE SPONGE.

SPONGEBOB CHORUS
CAN’T HE SEE I’M NOT JUST OOH
THE SPONGE-NEXT-DOOR?

CHORUS
NO, YOU’RE NOT A SIMPLE –

SPONGEBOB
I WISH THAT I COULD TURN BACK TIME;
I NEVER THOUGHT MY WORLD COULD END;
I ONLY WANNA HANG OUT WITH MY FRIENDS;

SPONGEBOB (CONT’D) CHORUS

BUT FEAR I FEAR IS DRAGGING US DOWN, OOO
NOW THERE'S PANIC THAT’S NOW THERE’S PANIC THAT’S
RUN AMOK RUN AMOK
IN MY SIMPLE TOWN!

SPONGEBOB (CONT’D) CHORUS

NO! JUST GIVE ME ADVENTURE, NO! NO! NO! NO!
NO!
I’M A CONTENDER – AND MORE OH

CHORUS
‘CAUSE YOU’RE NOT A SIMPLE SPONGE

SPONGEBOB CHORUS
I WILL SHOW I’M NOT JUST OH
THE SPONGE-NEXT DOOR!

CHORUS
NO, YOU’RE NOT A SIMPLE SPONGE.

SPONGEBOB CHORUS
I’M GONNA FIND A BETTER WAY, OH
A WAY TO SAVE THE LIFE I LOVE. OH
AND I AM GONNA STOP THE END OF THE – AND I AHH END OF THE
–
Draft 11.29.17 42.

Mr. Krabs appears in SpongeBob’s mind—

floating above him.

MR. KRABS
NO, YOU’RE JUST A SIMPLE SPONGE

SPONGEBOB
(answering the voice in his head) No, Mr. Krabs! I’ll find a way to stop that
volcano! We’ll use science, like Sandy said.

MR. KRABS
YOU ARE STILL A SIMPLE SPONGE.

SPONGEBOB CHORUS
We can use her jetpack to get to the top! AHH
Wait, pretty sure it’s only built for one.

MR. KRABS
SEE? YOU ARE A SIMPLE SPONGE.

SpongeBob is fighting against his doubt (as

embodied by Mr. Krabs) as he continues to work
out his plan.

SPONGEBOB CHORUS
We’ll have to climb it, then. Patrick can help AHH
withthat, he’s super strong. Sandy’s brains plus
Patrick’s brawn plus my… (he’s stumped)

MR. KRABS
YES, A VERY SIMPLE SPONGE.

SPONGEBOB
I’m not sure what my thing is. AHH AHH
But that won’t stop me.
When the going gets tough,
this sponge gets going!

SPONGEBOB CHORUS
NO, I’M NOT A SIMPLE SPONGE!!
I AM NOT A SIMPLE SPONGE! LET ME HAVE ADVENTURE
BE A CONTENDER AND MORE

The Sponge Chorus comes back to full glorious

life as Mr. Krabs fades away. SpongeBob’s
confidence has won the day.
Draft 11.29.17 43.

SPONGE CHORUS
THEY WILL SEE YOU’RE NOT JUST THE SPONGE-NEXT-DOOR!
YEAH YEAH YEAH!

SPONGEBOB
I AM NOT A SIMPLE SPONGE!!

SPONGE CHORUS
NOW AT LAST –

SPONGEBOB CHORUS
I HAVE FOUND A WAY YOU HAVE FOUND A WAY
A WAY TO SAVE THIS TOWN I LOVE! A WAY TO SAVE THIS TOWN I LOVE!
I’M NOT A SIMPLE SPONGE I AM NOT A SIMPLE SPONGE

Lights shift.
Draft 11.29.17 44.

SCENE 6: BIKINI BOTTOM

Spotlight on Perch Perkins, standing by the

Doomsday Clock.

PERCH PERKINS
Apocalypse now! (Citizens scream) Wait, I misread that. (reads again)
Apocalypse tomorrow! (Citizens breathe a sigh of relief… then scream) I’m here in
the heart of Bikini Bottom, where the Doomsday Clock is… (the clock ticks)
ticking down. Just 29 hours left before the end. (looking right out at the
audience/camera) How will you spend them?

Squidward is revealed. He answers Perch

Perkins’s question.

SQUIDWARD
I’m going to find a way to play the biggest stage in Bikini Bottom. I’ve
waited too long for my moment in the sun, Mama… this is my chance.

Now Larry the Lobster is revealed, in a proud

patriotic stance.

LARRY THE LOBSTER

I’m going to do my patriotic duty in this gnarly hour. (saluting) Ms. Mayor,
this dude is ready to serve.

Lights up on Mrs. Puff, sitting at a bar.

MRS. PUFF
I’m going to do all the living I should’ve done before. (to a bartender)
Gimme another kelp juice, Johnny. Carpe diem!

JOHNNY THE BARTENDER

(offended) Who’re you calling a carp?

Now Old Man Jenkins is revealed. He too answers

the newscaster’s question.

OLD MAN JENKINS

I’m going to find someone to blame for all this! (Sees a fish) You!

A FISH
I’m an upstanding citizen!
Draft 11.29.17 45.

ANOTHER FISH
What about the squirrel? That whole “science” thing is pretty suspicious.

A FISH
Not only that... (whispered) she has lungs.

They all shake their heads in harsh judgment of

this difference. A couple of “Eeews” are uttered.
Two Fish in Fedoras appear.

FISH IN FEDORAS
Yeah! This is a gill town!

OLD MAN JENKINS

We don’t want her kind here. Let’s blame the squirrel!

The others join him.

OLD MAN JENKINS WITH MOB

Blame the squirrel! Blame the squirrel! Blame the squirrel! Blame the
squirrel!

They run offstage.

As they do, SpongeBob crosses the stage and

hurries into…
Draft 11.29.17 46.

SCENE 7: THE KRUSTY KRAB

Mr. Krabs is hurriedly packing up his things

when SpongeBob rushes in.

SPONGEBOB
Hey Mr. Krabs! Guess what? We won’t have to leave Bikini Bottom after
all. I’m putting together a team to save our town.

Krabs is utterly dismissive.

MR. KRABS
Good luck. I’m packing. (shouting offstage) Pearl honey, how’s it going in
there? Are ya packed yet?

Pearl comes out, holding two outfits.

PEARL
No! I can’t decide which one to wear for The Electric Skates.

MR. KRABS
For the last time, get it through your blowhole: you are not meeting those
sting-ray degenerates.

PEARL
But Da-ad...

MR. KRABS
You’ve got your priorities all wrong. We’re in a crisis here—and when
you’re in a crisis, there’s only one thing you can depend on.

PEARL
You mean family?

MR. KRABS
No.

SPONGEBOB
Community?

MR. KRABS
(shaking his head) You’re kidding, right?
Draft 11.29.17 47.

* SONG: DADDY KNOWS BEST – by Alex Ebert of Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros

MR. KRABS
WHEN TIME IS SHORT AND THE END IS NEAR
IT’S IMPORTANT TO IDENTIFY WHAT YOU HOLD DEAR
IT’S CLEAR, PEARL
YOUR DADDY ALWAYS KNOWS BEST

PEARL
You don’t understand me. Maybe it’s because we’re not the same species.
Which is pretty weird, now I think about it…

MR. KRABS
LET ME SHOW YOU WHAT COUNTS MORE THAN ALL THE REST -
(to SpongeBob, spoken) Close yer eyes, boy, this part’s not for you.

SpongeBob dutifully shuts his eyes. And Mr.

Krabs starts revealing money everywhere! He
travels to numerous hiding places on the stage
where he’s stashed his cash for years.

MR. KRABS (CONT’D)

MONEY MONEY MATTERS MOST!
MONEY MONEY I CAN BOAST!
MONEY MONEY MAKE A TOAST TO!
MONEY! MONEY! MONEY! HAH!

The lights shift as we go inside Pearl’s head and

hear her inner thoughts.

PEARL
I SHOULD BE MY DADDY'S GREATEST PRIZE
BUT INSTEAD HE'S GOT DOLLAR SIGNS IN HIS EYES.
DADDY, YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND
ALL I CARE ABOUT
IS ROCKING OUT
WITH MY FAVORITE BAND!

We see in silhouette (in Pearl’s mind) three

crazy-haired rock stars: THE ELECTRIC SKATES.

ELECTRIC SKATES
YA YA YA…

PEARL
OH, THE FEELING THAT IT CREATES -
Draft 11.29.17 48.

ELECTRIC SKATES
YA YA

PEARL
WHEN I HEAR THE ELECTRIC SKATES!

MR. KRABS
(Making sounds with his coins) Can you hear it, Pearl?!

ENSEMBLE
MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY

PEARL
DADDY CAN YOU HEAR ME?
CAN YOU HEAR ME AT ALL?

ENSEMBLE
MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY
MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY

MR. KRABS PEARL

MONEY MONEY IN THE AIR! DADDY CAN YOU HEAR ME?
MONEY MONEY EVERYWHERE! DADDY CAN YOU HEAR ME?
MONEY MONEY DO NOT SHARE- CAN YOU HEAR ME, OH
DADDY!
MONEY!
DADDY!
MONEY!
DADDY!
MONEY! HAH!

As Mr. Krabs kisses and dances with his money,

Pearl sings even louder. Father and daughter
cannot hear each other.

MR. KRABS PEARL

MONEY MONEY I’ll STAY TRUE! DADDY CAN YOU HEAR ME?
MONEY MONEY JUST US TWO! CAN YOU HEAR ME?
MONEY MONEY I LOVE YOU! CAN YOU HEAR ME?
DADDY!
MONEY!

MR. KRABS PEARL

DADDY!
MONEY!
MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY DADDY DADDY DADDY DADDY
Draft 11.29.17 49.

MR. KRABS
I’m sorry, Pearl. Were you trying to say something?

MR. KRABS PEARL

MONEY! DADDY!

As the song ends, Pearl is wiping tears from her

eyes. And SpongeBob’s are still closed.

SPONGEBOB
Excuse me? Can I open my eyes now? (he does, and sees that Pearl is
crying) Hey, don’t cry.

PEARL
I just want to find someone who looks at me the way daddy looks at
money. (leans closer to whisper) And I am going to meet the Electric
Skates. There’s nothing he can do about it.

Mr. Krabs doesn’t hear this because he’s on his

own track, continuing his “teaching moment.”

MR. KRABS
Now ya see, Pearl, our fellow fish are feeling frightened and vulnerable.
Which means there’s just one thing to do: exploit them to make even
more money! I’m launching a new ad campaign. “One More Krabby Patty
Before The End!”

Suddenly, in struts a FISH IN A KRABBY PATTY

COSTUME, pushing a table stacked with Krabby
Patties and a sign advertising “Apocalypse
Special.” Mr. Krabs shouts to the world...

MR. KRABS (CONT’D)

Get your Krabby Patties now, before it’s too late!

Townsfish come flooding on to buy Krabby

Patties. Mr. Krabs puts Pearl and SpongeBob to
work, forcing them to fry up and pass out the
patties.

Until they all freeze in place and we CUT TO—

Draft 11.29.17 50.

SCENE 8: THE CHUM BUCKET / THE KRUSTY KRAB

Focus shifts across the stage to where Plankton

stands with Karen. He’s been watching Mr.
Krabs and his customers through his telescope.

PLANKTON
Little does he know, the tables will soon turn!

KAREN
I’m not sure what’s gotten into you, Sheldon, but this is a very good
scheme. Once they’re all trapped in the escape pod, they’ll be easy to
hypnotize. By the time we reach Chumville, everyone will love chum.

PLANKTON
Thus the name.

KAREN
(gently) I got that.

PLANKTON
Soon, fast food domination will be mine! Mwahahahaha!

KAREN
You know -- I’d forgotten how much I like hearing you gloat.

Their eyes meet. Attraction crackles between

them. Is love rekindling...?

Just then, a RUMBLING QUAKE begins.

PLANKTON
Oh Karen, it’s been years since I’ve felt this close. Gazing into your screen
right now, I feel the very earth move under my feet.

KAREN
It is moving.

The quake increases in intensity.

Over in the Krusty Krab, Perch Perkins cries out.

PERCH PERKINS
Breaking news! A giant boulder is rolling down from Mount Humongous!
And it’s headed… this… way!
Draft 11.29.17 51.

Our focus shifts to a giant RUBE GOLDBERG

machine which—after a quick (and absurd)
series of moves—shoots a boulder onto the
stage.

SPONGEBOB
Don’t worry, I’ve got it!

SpongeBob tries to wrestle with the boulder, to

divert it or stop it, but to no avail. The boulder
rolls past him and offstage.

There’s the sound of an OFFSTAGE CRASH as the

boulder crushes something.

At which point, everyone but SpongeBob

SCREAMS and runs off in various directions.

The last to go is the FISH IN THE KRABBY

PATTY COSTUME, who runs about hysterically
for several beats before fleeing.

SPONGEBOB (CONT’D)
I guess everyone was right. This will be the end... unless I can stop it.
Gotta get my team together! (Steeling himself, he mutters as he heads off)
You are not a simple sponge, you are not a simple sponge…

He heads purposefully across the stage to—

Draft 11.29.17 52.

SCENE 9: PATRICK’S ROCK

SpongeBob bursts in to find Patrick sitting

sprawled out on his couch, half-stuffed suitcase
beside him, scratching his bellybutton with an
odd-looking implement.

SPONGEBOB (CONT’D)
Get ready, Patrick! I have a plan to save the town and I need your help. We’re
gonna climb the volcano and use science to stop it from blowing.

PATRICK
(he totally wasn’t listening) Huh? Sorry. I found this great bellybutton scratcher
while I was packing, and we’ve been having a reaaaaaally nice time together.

SPONGEBOB
Patrick, I need to know: are you with me?

PATRICK
I'm right here, hello?

SPONGEBOB
No I mean ARE YOU WITH ME METAPHORICALLY UNTIL WE ACTUALLY
START WITH THE TOWN-SAVING?

PATRICK
I DON’T KNOW WHAT METAPHORICALLY MEANS BUT YES I’M WITH
YOU!

SPONGEBOB
Then welcome to the team.

PATRICK
(getting excited now) Our team needs a name. (thinking) How about
Team… PatBob.

SPONGEBOB
I prefer SpongeRick.

PATRICK
PatBobSpongeRick?

SPONGEBOB
I like it. Now we have to go get Sandy. Team Member Number Three.
Draft 11.29.17 53.

Suddenly, FIVE SARDINES burst in and run over

to Patrick.

SARDINE 1, 2, 3, 4 & 5
Mr. Star! Mr. Star!

SPONGEBOB
(to Patrick) Were you expecting all these sardines?

SARDINE 1
We heard what you said at the town meeting --

SARDINE 4 & 5
“If we close our eyes, maybe nothing will happen.”

SARDINE 1
And we understood: it’s only by shutting out the turmoil of the world that
we can find salvation.

SARDINE 2 & 3
Give us more wisdom, O Pink One!

ALL SARDINES
Eeeee!

The Sardines all stare at Patrick.

PATRICK
Um. (He thinks for a moment, then says) Sometimes my bellybutton itches.
(He scratches) And then it doesn’t.

SARDINE 4
We see what you mean.

PATRICK
(whispering to SpongeBob) What do I mean?

SARDINE 1 SPONGEBOB
All suffering shall pass. (aside to Patrick)
All suffering shall pass.

ALL SARDINES
More wisdom! Give us more!

PATRICK
(trying to think of a really good one now) Life… smells… weird.
Draft 11.29.17 54.

ALL SARDINES
So. Deep.

SARDINE 2
Let’s go spread the good word.

ALL SARDINES
Eeeee! (as they run offstage) Life smells weird! Life smells weird!

Patrick and SpongeBob are left perplexed.

SPONGEBOB
What was that all about?

PATRICK
Who knows, but it’s nice to get some respect for a change. (Re: the sardines)
Finally, someone understands: the inner machinations of my mind are an enigma.

SPONGEBOB
Come on, Patrick. We have to go find Sandy.

As they hurry off, Perch Perkins is revealed. His

reporting is as intense and drama-filled as ever.

PERCH PERKINS
Here in the heart of the Bikini Bottom, the Doomsday Clock just keeps on -

Spotlight on the DOOMSDAY CLOCK. It ticks

ominously. TICK. TICK.

PERCH PERKINS (CONT’D)

Ticking. And with every hour, panic spreads. The streets now swarm with
a cult of fanatical sardines…

The Sardines run across the stage, fanatically

chanting.

SARDINES
Life smells weird! Life smells weird! Life smells weird!

The Sardines disappear offstage.

PERCH PERKINS
And an angry mob of mammal-haters.
Draft 11.29.17 55.

Old Man Jenkins and the Angry Mob enter,

chasing after Sandy. The Mob is brandishing
pitchforks and torches now.

ANGRY MOB
Blame the squirrel! Blame the squirrel! Blame the squirrel! Blame the
squirrel!

Sandy hides, evading the mob. Once they’re gone,

she steps out into the clear.

She looks over to see two Fish in Fedoras spray-

painting a wall with the words “LAND
MAMMALS GO HOME.”

They stare her down, then go. Sandy is crushed.

She says, sorrowfully, to herself…

SANDY
I thought this was my home. Guess I was wrong.

She shakes her head, then starts to walk...

FRENCH NARRATOR
Let us now follow Sandy as she takes refuge in Jellyfish Fields, one of the
great wonders of the undersea world.

Lights shift to reveal…

Draft 11.29.17 56.

SCENE 10: JELLYFISH FIELDS

Iridescent jellyfish float onstage and up the

aisles, gently glowing as they swim. All is quiet
and peaceful.

Sandy gazes at the jellyfish.

SANDY
(to herself) Sure is beautiful. I reckon I’ll miss this place the most of all.

SpongeBob and Patrick come running in.

PATRICK
Sandy! Hey Sandy!

SPONGEBOB
We’ve been looking for you everywhere!

SANDY
I’ve been hiding. That mob’s turned me into a scapesquirrel.

PATRICK
Aw, who’s afraid of a little ol’ mob.

SANDY
Did you not see the pitchforks??

SPONGEBOB
It’s terrible what they’re doing. But that doesn’t change the fact we have a
volcano to beat—and we need you on the team. Brains (ie. her), brawn (ie.
Patrick), and… though I may not have a special skill to bring to the table,
I’m coming too.

SANDY
They don’t want my help, they want me gone. And I can take a hint.

SPONGEBOB
You can’t leave. This is your home.

SANDY
It’s not, SpongeBob. Let’s face it, I’ve never fit in here. Then again, I never
really fit in Texas either.
Draft 11.29.17 57.

Sudden lighting shift, and Texan underscoring

begins. A bunch of small stuffed squirrels – in
cowboy hats – now appear and float around
Sandy’s head.

SANDY (CONT’D)
I was always the odd rodent out. No one knew what to make of girl-
squirrel who was into science and martial arts.

She swings her nunchuks, and the squirrels are

knocked out. A couple of Jellyfish swim away,
frightened.

SANDY (CONT’D)
(Realizing) I’ve never felt at home anywhere, really. And now it’s time to
dig up my acorns again and push on.

The Texan music ends, and the squirrels are

gone.

SPONGEBOB
Okay, I understand you’ve gotta do what you’ve gotta do… acorns and all.
But first, we need your help.

Music begins. SpongeBob sings to Sandy.

* SONG: HERO IS MY MIDDLE NAME – by Cyndi Lauper and Rob Hyman

SPONGEBOB (CONT’D)
IF THE WORLD IS GONNA END TOMORROW
WALLOWING IN SORROW
ISN’T WHERE I WANT TO BE,
CAUSE THERE ISN’T A CATASTROPHE

SANDY
Uh, hello?

SPONGEBOB
THAT COULD EVER MEASURE UP TO ME -
SANDY, JUST TRY IT AND SEE!
COME ON -

SANDY
Try what?
Draft 11.29.17 58.

SPONGEBOB
HERO IS MY MIDDLE NAME.
FIXING TROUBLE IS MY GAME.

PATRICK
It’s a good game.

SPONGEBOB
JUST GIVE IT THE OLD KNOW-HOW -
THERE’S NO BETTER TIME THAN NOW.
DON’T GIVE UP AND DON’T GIVE IN,

Patrick joins in, helping to convince Sandy.

PATRICK
Yeah! IF YOU’RE THINKIN’ SINK OR SWIM

SPONGEBOB
The right answer’s swim.
COURAGE IS YOUR CLAIM TO FAME
WHEN HERO IS YOUR MIDDLE NAME –

SPONGEBOB & PATRICK

AND HERO IS OUR MIDDLE NAME!

SANDY
That’s nice, boys, but mine’s Jennifer. And no one believes my science is
real.

SPONGEBOB
YOUR MACHINES THEY MADE A REAL PREDICTION
IT’S NOT SCIENCE FICTION -

SANDY
BUT NO ONE WANTS TO LISTEN AT ALL
WHEN THE WRITING'S ON THAT OLD SEA WALL

SPONGEBOB
BUT YOUR FRIENDS NEED YOU TO HEED THE CALL -

SPONGEBOB & PATRICK

ALL FOR ONE AND ONE FOR ALL!
COME ON!

PATRICK
HERO IS YOUR MIDDLE NAME
Draft 11.29.17 59.

SANDY
No it’s not. We just went over that.

PATRICK
FIXING TROUBLE IS YOUR GAME

SPONGEBOB & PATRICK

JUST GIVE IT THE OLD KNOW HOW
THERE’S NO BETTER TIME THAN NOW

SPONGEBOB
After what that mob’s done, I understand why you’d want to leave. But we
(him and Patrick) need you. Patrick can help climb the volcano, but you
have to handle the stopping-it-from-erupting part. Because we have no
clue how and time is running out really really fast. But no pressure.

SANDY
Pressure! Yes! I think I have an idea.

The music shifts. Sandy’s white board rolls on

again, showing complicated technical diagrams
of her numbered points.

SANDY (CONT’D)
Figure 1: Diagram of a volcanic eruption, caused by rapid pressure
buildup in a subterranean magma chamber. Figure 2: if this pressure is
released, no eruption will occur. Ipso facto – I can design an explosive
device, figure 3, to drop in the mouth of the volcano, figure 4, with a timer
set to detonate at the precise moment of eruption, figure 5, unleashing a
deluge of bubbles that’ll release the pressure and prevent the blast!

Beat.

PATRICK
You lost me at 1.

SANDY
Point is, this could work. I reckon I can have this bubble device built by
tomorrow morning.

SPONGEBOB
So you’ll stay and help us?

SANDY
(she nods, deciding) Boys, I’m still gonna push on from this town o’ yours,
but you’re my friends. So first, I say we give this idea a shot.
Draft 11.29.17 60.

SPONGEBOB
Three heroes, to the rescue!

SANDY
Team of tres, to the top!

PATRICK
Us…go!

SANDY, SPONGEBOB & PATRICK

SO COME ON -
HERO IS OUR MIDDLE NAME
FIXIN’ TROUBLE IS MY GAME

SANDY
I’M UP AND I WON’T BACK DOWN.

SANDY, SPONGEBOB & PATRICK

AND WE’RE GONNA SAVE THIS TOWN!

SANDY
l AM SANDY HEAR ME ROAR,
WON’T BE PLAYIN’ SWEET NO MORE!
COURAGE IS MY CLAIM TO FAME
‘CAUSE HERO IS MY MIDDLE NAME

ALL THREE
AND HERO IS OUR MIDDLE NAME!
HERO IS OUR MIDDLE NAME!
HERO IS OUR MIDDLE NAME!

End in a triumphant tableau.

As play-off music begins, Sandy fixes her eyes on

the wall with the graffiti: “LAND MAMMALS GO
HOME.” She decides something’s gotta be done
about that. She gestures to SpongeBob and
Patrick... they hurry over and grab each side of
the wall. Then Sandy takes a running start and
karate kicks through the wall, breaking it in
half!

SANDY, SPONGEBOB & PATRICK

Yeah!

Lights shift as they exit together.

Draft 11.29.17 61.

SCENE 11: BIKINI BOTTOM

Squidward crosses the stage, serving in his

reluctant role as Official Concert Organizer. He’s
holding a clipboard, checking things off.

SQUIDWARD
Alright, gotta get this concert organized. The drumkit will go here…
confetti cannons there and there… And posters, of course. The Electric
Skates… (dramatic pause) with very special guest SQUIDWARD Q.
TENTACLES! I still remember that night, my third-grade talent show, the
other fish calling me Loser! Loser! To this day, when I hear that word,
something in me just SNAPS! (he almost snaps, then pulls himself together)
But you got me through it, Mama. You told me someday I’d play the Bikini
Bottom Bandshell. Before time runs out, I will prove you right. I’m a
pretty squid, Mama, and I’m going to show them what I’ve got! Hit it!

The band strikes up and Squidward sings.

SQUIDWARD (CONT’D)
LOOK OUT WORLD–

But before he can finish the line, he’s interrupted

by SpongeBob, Sandy and Patrick barreling in.
It’s his second experience with Singing
Interruptus.

SPONGEBOB
Hey Squidward, good news. We’re going to save Bikini Bottom!

Plankton comes in now, having just heard this.

Karen follows.

PLANKTON
What’re you talking about?! Explain yourself, rhombus slacks.

SPONGEBOB
Sandy’s going to build an ingenious bubble device to stop the volcano.

SQUIDWARD
Did you say an ingenious bubble device to stop the volcano?

SPONGEBOB
Yes, an ingenious bubble device to stop the volcano.
Draft 11.29.17 62.

SANDY
I’ll work on a better name.

SPONGEBOB
And all we have to do is climb to the top of Mount Humongous and drop it
in!

SQUIDWARD
(starts laughing, takes him a moment to stop himself.) You’re kidding,
right? Nobody’s ever made it to the top alive.

SPONGEBOB
When you say nobody, do you mean that as a figure of speech, or…?

SQUIDWARD
I mean nobody ever, period, full stop, exclamation point.

SpongeBob gulps in fear. Very loudly. Squidward

exits, shaking his head at these rubes.

PATRICK
Don’t worry, buddy, we can do this. I’ll be with you the whole way, no
matter what.

ZOOM IN on Plankton and Karen. Plankton is

concerned.

PLANKTON
That sponge is the biggest threat to my plot. He tried to stop me at the
town meeting, and now this. If somehow they do manage to climb that
mountain…

KAREN
We have to make sure they don’t live long enough to reach the top.

PLANKTON
I like how you’re thinking, Karen. And you know... you just said “we”.

KAREN
(realizing herself) I guess I did.

PLANKTON
I’m so glad you want to scheme with me again. It’s just like the old days.
Draft 11.29.17 63.

Some Slo Jam saxophone starts to play; Karen

produces the image of a romantic fireplace on
her screen.

KAREN
I guess it took a little apocalypse to spice things up.

PLANKTON
(looking back at the friends )It’s going to be fun to finish these fools
forever.

KAREN
I love it when you alliterate.

They exit together.

Meanwhile—SpongeBob, Sandy and Patrick are

looking toward Mount Humongous.

SANDY
We’ve got this, boys. Come tomorrow, we’ll be on that mountain like a
smoked sausage on a hickory grill.

Suddenly we hear something from offstage.

SARDINES (OFFSTAGE)
Patrick Star! Patrick Star!

SPONGEBOB
Hey, do you hear that?

SARDINES (OFFSTAGE)
Patrick Star! Patrick Star!

PATRICK
Sounds familiar.

The SARDINES pour onto the stage. They’re now

dressed in flowing robes, with large stars on
their chests.

SARDINES
Patrick Star! Patrick Star! Patrick Star!

SPONGEBOB
It’s the sardines...
Draft 11.29.17 64.

PATRICK
And they got some great outfits.

They surround Patrick and sing.

*SONG: SUPER SEA STAR SAVIOR – by Yolanda Adams

SARDINE DEVOTEE 1
I BELIEVE I FOUND THE STAR

SARDINE DEVOTEE 2
I BELIEVE I FOUND THE SUPER STAR

SARDINE CORP
WE BELIEVE WE FOUND THE SUPER STAR SEA STAR
WHO WILL SAVE US ALL

MORE SARDINES
PATRICK STAR!

SPONGEBOB
Sorry to interrupt, but we have some very urgent business to–

The Sardines just keep on singing.

SARDINE 1
WE'VE BEEN HOPING, WE'VE BEEN SEARCHING EVERYWHERE

SARDINE 2
AND WE FINALLY FOUND THE ANSWER TO OUR PRAYER

SARDINE 3
HE SAID WE SHOULD CLOSE OUR EYES

SARDINES 1, 2, 3
WHICH MADE US REALIZE

MORE SARDINES
THAT PATRICK IS THE ONE WHO WILL SAVE US FROM OUR DEMISE

SARDINE 1 MORE SARDINES

SO GIVE IT UP GIVE IT UP
RAISE THE SOUND RAISE THE SOUND
TELL EVERYONE TELL EVERYONE
TO GATHER AROUND
Draft 11.29.17 65.

SARDINE 2 MORE
FOR WE HAVE FOUND AHH STAR
OUR SHINING STAR YES HE IS OH YEAH

ALL
SUPER SEA STAR SAVIOR – PATRICK STAR!!

PATRICK
(to Spongebob and Sandy, excitedly whispering) Guys, I think they’re singing about me.

SANDY
(sarcasm) We hadn’t noticed. C’mon now, we have a mission here.

But Patrick is too busy with the Sardines.

PATRICK
THIS IS WEIRD, YOU GUYS, BUT I LIKE HAVING ALL YOU AROUND

SARDINES
HOW PROFOUND! YEAH!

PATRICK
HEY, LOOK AT ALL THE NEW FRIENDS THAT I HAVE FOUND!

SARDINES
WE’VE BEEN FOUND! WE’VE BEEN FOUND! OH!

Patrick decides to try out his newfound power

over these adoring Sardines.

PATRICK SARDINES
YOUR SAVIOR WANTS SOME CAKE CAKE
HEY – DOES ANYBODY BAKE? BAKE CAKE
I’M READY FOR A BREAK NOW –
CAN SOMEONE BAKE ME A
GINORMOUS CAKE?! BAKE THE KING HIS CAKE

AND GIVE IT UP GIVE IT UP

RAISE THE SOUND RAISE THE SOUND
TELL EVERYONE TELL EVERYONE
TO GATHER AROUND
FOR I MIGHT BE YOUR SHINING STAR OH AHH STAR
YOU’RE A SHINING STAR!
Draft 11.29.17 66.

SARDINES
SUPER SEA STAR SAVIOR

PATRICK
ME!

ALL
PATRICK STAR!!

Patrick is paying zero attention to his friends.

Instead, he’s reveling in the Sardines’ attention.

PATRICK SARDINES
WELL AS YOUR LEADER YES
I WILL COMPLETE YA YOU COMPLETE ME
GLAD SOMEONE’S FOLLOWING ME
FOR A CHANGE
NOW WHERE WE’LL GO GO
UHHH I DON’T KNOW
I’LL KNOW IT WHEN I SEE IT!!!

SARDINES
GREAT PINK ONE, YOU ARE EVERYTHING!
THERE’S GREAT PINK WISDOM IN ALL YOU SING!

PATRICK SARDINES
Like This? FIGARO HA HA HA HA HA!
FIGARO HA HA HA HA HA!
OHHHHHH!!! AHHH!
HE’S OUR STAR, GREAT STAR
HE’S OUR STAR, GREAT STAR
HE’S OUR STAR, GREAT STAR
HE’S OUR STAR, GREAT STAR
SHOUT IT OUT!
SHOUT IT OUT!
SHOUT IT OUT!
FROM THE MOUNTAIN HIGH!
SHOUT IT OUT!
TO THE VALLEY LOW!
SHOUT IT OUT!
I feel it my Brothers and Sisters!
Draft 11.29.17 67.

SOLO SARDINE SARDINES

SHOUT IT OUT!
He can think y’all!
SHOUT IT OUT!
He will save us!
SHOUT IT OUT!
Y’all praise pink!
SHOUT IT OUT!
SHOUT IT OUT!

ALL SARDINES
SHOUT! SHOUT! SHOUT!
SHOUT IT OUT!
OUT! OUT! OUT! OUT!
SHOUT! SHOUT! SHOUT!
SHOUT IT OUT!
OUT! OUT! GET OUT!
OH!
OH!
OH!

Dance Break.

SARDINE GROUP 1 SARDINE GROUP 2

HE’S THE ONE! WHOA!
YA GOTTA PRAISE PINK! SING IT! YA GOTTA PRAISE PINK! SING IT!
THE HOLY ONE! WHOA!
YA GOTTA PRAISE PINK! SING IT! YA GOTTA PRAISE PINK! SING IT!
SHOUT! SHOUT! SHOUT! SHOUT IT OUT! OUT! WHOA!
OUT! OUT! OUT! OUT! WHOA!
SHOUT! SHOUT! SHOUT! WHOA!
SHOUT IT OUT! THE PINKEST OF THE PINKEST!

ALL SARDINES
SUPER SEA-STAR SAVIOR
PATRICK STAR!

As the song reaches its triumphant button, the

Sardines start leading Patrick offstage with
them.

SPONGEBOB
No no no no no, you can’t leave! We have a mountain to climb.

PATRICK
That was before I was a savior.
Draft 11.29.17 68.

SPONGEBOB
You said you’d be with me no matter what.

PATRICK
…Unless I became a savior. Pretty sure I said that.

Spongebob is hurt.

SPONGEBOB
What about our team?

PATRICK
This is my moment, SpongeBob. Don’t ruin it.

SPONGEBOB
Okay then. Go. I don’t need you.

PATRICK
(stung) You don’t?

SPONGEBOB
Nope. Forget about our team. It has a stupid name anyway.

PATRICK
(offended) You said you liked it! (lashing back) Well, I don’t like you!

SPONGEBOB
I don’t like you more.

PATRICK
At least I don’t live in a fruit!

SPONGEBOB
At least I don’t have a conehead!

PATRICK
At least I’m not SQUARE! (pointing) SQUARE! SQUARE!

SPONGEBOB
PINK! PINK!

PATRICK
YELLOW!

SPONGEBOB
FINE.
Draft 11.29.17 69.

PATRICK
FINE.

SPONGEBOB
FINE!

PATRICK
FINE!

SPONGEBOB
FINE!!

PATRICK
FINE!!

SARDINES
FINE!!!

PATRICK
We’re out.

Patrick heads off with the Sardines.

SPONGEBOB
(despairing, to Sandy) What’re we going to do now? Patrick’s the brawn.
No way we get up that mountain without him.

Spongebob and Sandy exchange a terrified look.

FRENCH NARRATOR
At that moment, night falls.

Night falls, KA-CHUNK. Perch Perkins enters.

PERCH PERKINS
It’s the last night before the end. And as hysteria spreads through our
streets, many have begun to question the government’s ability to handle
this crisis.

The Mayor enters, flanked by Larry the Lobster. He’s

acting as her bodyguard now, while she’s chased by a
noisy crowd of disgruntled Townsfish.

MAYOR OF BIKINI BOTTOM

Stop it! Don’t believe the media. Everything is under control.
Draft 11.29.17 70.

She isn’t very convincing about it. Especially

when there’s another RUMBLE.

MAYOR OF BIKINI BOTTOM (CONT’D)

Oh tartar sauce, more boulders?? Nooooo!

The Rube Goldberg machine spits out a stream

of boulders onto the stage. Another and another
and another!

At which point, panic overtakes the crowd. They

all SCREAM at the top of their lungs… then
freeze in their scream.

Spotlight on Sandy and SpongeBob.

* SONG: TOMORROW IS... – by The Flaming Lips

SANDY
SpongeBob, we can’t give up now.
WE ONLY HAVE TOMORROW
TO TRY TO SAVE THE DAY
OUR WORLD COULD END TOMORROW
SPONGEBOB WE HAVE TO FIND A WAY

SPONGEBOB & SANDY

A WAY…

SANDY
WE’RE GONNA CLIMB THAT MOUNTAIN
HOWEVER SCARED WE ARE
OUR TEAM MAY JUST HAVE TWO NOW
BUT WE CAN STILL GO FAR

Now the various denizens of Bikini Bottom start

unfreezing and joining in the song.
All are anticipating what tomorrow holds.

SQUIDWARD
I ONLY HAVE TOMORROW
TO SHOW THEM WHAT I’VE GOT

MR. KRABS
WE ONLY HAVE TOMORROW
SO GET ‘EM WHILE THEY’RE HOT!
Draft 11.29.17 71.

PLANKTON
SMALL, YES BUT DEVIOUS
I FEEL TEN FEET TALL
IF I SUCCEED

PLANKTON & KAREN

THE SPONGE WILL FALL!

SPONGEBOB ALL OTHERS

(gazing across at Patrick)
WE ONLY HAVE TOMORROW AAAAAAH -
I WISH IT WAS WITH YOU AAAAAAH -

But Patrick is too busy being worshipped by the

Sardines to look over at SpongeBob. SpongeBob
turns back to Sandy.

SPONGEBOB & SANDY ALL OTHERS

THE WORLD COULD END TOMORROW AAAAAAH -
WE KNOW WHAT WE MUST DO AAAAAAH -

ALL
(gradually adding on until everyone is singing)
THE SUN HAS SUNK BELOW US
THE DARK OF NIGHT IS HERE
THE HANDS OF TIME KEEP TICKING
TOMORROW’S ALMOST HERE
ALMOST HERE
ALMOST HERE

The town of Bikini Bottom now stands against a

starry night sky, pinpoints of light glittering all
around them.

ALL (CONT’D)
WE ONLY HAVE TOMORROW
BEFORE OUR TOWN IS GONE
WE ONLY HAVE TOMORROW
BEFORE WE MUST MOVE ON

CROWD SPONGEBOB & SANDY

WE ONLY HAVE TOMORROW FROM THE WORLD
BIKINI BOTTOM… RENOWNED
WE ONLY HAVE TOMORROW HAVE TO SAVE THIS TOWN
BIKINI BOTTOM… AS THE SUN GOES DOWN
WE ONLY HAVE ONE MORE… ON A BEAUTIFUL BIKINI BOTTOM…
Draft 11.29.17 72.

FRENCH NARRATOR
Enjoy your last intermission… ever.

ALL
DAY!!!

The music crescendos - and blackout.

END OF ACT 1.
Draft 11.29.17 73.

ACT 2

SCENE 1: PATCHY INTERRUPTION

As the house lights are dimming at the end of

intermission, an odd cloaked woman starts
down the aisle, posing as an Usher.

USHER
Souvenir programs! Get your souvenir programs!

The cloaked woman makes her way down to the

front of the house, then climbs up onto the stage
and throws off the cloak. Revealing: it’s actually
PATCHY THE PIRATE in disguise.

PATCHY
Aaaar, it’s me! I don’t have much time—they’ll be coming for me soon.
After they threw me out, I spent Act 1 wandering the streets of Hell’s
Kitchen until I happened upon a Pirate Dive Barrr over on 9th Avenue.
Talkin’ with me fellow buccaneers gave me the courage to come back
here with a message, on behalf of all victims of pirate prejudice. I wrote a
protest song. I have the sheet music right here, if you wouldn’t mind.

The conductor shrugs and accepts the sheet

music.

PATCHY (CONT’D)
Thank you. Y’see, people fear what they don’t understand, and too few
understand us pirates. (to conductor) Are ye ready?

She nods and the band starts to play. He sings.

* SONG: POOR PIRATES – by Sara Bareilles

PATCHY (CONT’D)
LET ME BEGIN WITH A HARDY HO-HO
AND A TALE THAT NOBODY TELLS WELL
I’VE NOT COME ALL THE WAY FROM E-N-C-I-N-O
TO BE TREATED LIKE SEWAGE THAT SMELLS
Draft 11.29.17 74.

PATCHY (CONT’D)
SOME OF US JUST WANT ADVENTURE
THE OPEN SEA WIND IN OUR EARRINGS
WHY ARE WE CONSTANTLY MISUNDERSTOOD?
DON’T YOU KNOW PIRATES HAVE FEELINGS?

Now OTHER PIRATES appear from various

locations around the theater. Each carries a
different makeshift instrument.

PATCHY & PIRATES

POOR PIRATES P-O-O-AAAAAR
POOR PIRATES P-O-O-AAAAAR
POOR PIRATES
CAN’T DENY THIS SIMPLE TRUTH
POOR PIRATES P-O-O-AAAAAR

PATCHY PIRATES
PEOPLE TOO TOO TOO TOO

PATCHY
(to his pirate pals) They came from the dive bar!

As the song continues, more Pirates fill the stage,

until it’s a veritable Pirate Jamboree.

PATCHY PIRATES
THINK OF HOW HARD WE HAVE HAD IT
OOH SO HARD
OUT ON SHIPS THERE IS NOT MUCH TO EAT
OOH NOT MUCH TO EAT
AND DENTISTS HATE PIRATE INSURANCE
YO OH NO
WHICH IS WHY WE’VE SO MANY GOLD TEETH
WE’VE SO MANY GOLD TEETH
ME LAUNDRY STAYS DAMP
DAMP
AND ME BOOTS START TO STINK BOOTS
STINK
AND ME FINGERNAILS FILTHY AND DIRTY DIRTY

PATCHY
ME INTERNET LOADS UNBELIEVABLY SLOW
Draft 11.29.17 75.

PATCHY PIRATES
AND ME BEDTIME’S AROUND AND ME BEDTIME’S AROUND
SEVEN THIRTY SEVEN THIRTY
POOR PIRATES P-O-O-AAAAAR POOR PIRATES P-O-O-AAAAAR
POOR PIRATES P-O-O-AAAAAR POOR PIRATES P-O-O-AAAAAR
POOR PIRATES POOR PIRATES
HAVE IT SO MUCH WORSE THAN YOU OOH YOU YOU YOU

PIRATE 1
WE’VE GOT PIRATE PARADES TO WHICH NOBODY COMES

PIRATE 2
CAPTAIN KIDD HOSTS A MARATHON BUT NOBODY RUNS

PIRATE 3
LONG JOHN SILVER INVENTED THE BLOOMIN’ ONION

PIRATE 4
BUT YOU THINK HE GETS CREDIT FOR THAT? NO!

PIRATE 5
CAPTAIN BOB HOOK, NO ONE KNOWS HIS FIRST NAME

PIRATE 6 & 7
AND OL’ GREENBEARD’S BEEN DRIVEN COMPLETELY INSANE

PATCHY
HARDLY ANYONE CELEBRATES OUR ONE HOLIDAY
“TALK LIKE A PIRATE DAY”

PATCHY PIRATES
POOR PIRATES P-O-O-AAAAAR POOR PIRATES P-O-O-AAAAAR
POOR PIRATES P-O-O-AAAAAR POOR PIRATES P-O-O-AAAAAR
POOR PIRATES POOR PIRATES
CAN’T DENY THIS SIMPLE TRUTH CAN’T DENY THIS SIMPLE TRUTH
CAN’T DENY THAT WE’RE
PIRATES ARE PEOPLE TOO POOR POOR
AAAAAR PIRATES P-O-O-AAAAAR
POOR
POOR PIRATES PIRATES
CAN’T DENY THIS SIMPLE TRUTH CAN’T DENY THIS SIMPLE TRUTH
THAT PIRATES P-O-O-AAAAAR THAT PIRATES P-O-O-AAAAAR
PEOPLE TOO PEOPLE TOO
YO HO! YO HO!
Draft 11.29.17 76.

As the applause dies down, the Security Guards

come rushing down from the back of the theater.

SECURITY GUARD 1
Okay, that’s enough! Everyone off the stage.

The other pirates split immediately… but the

Security Guards call after Patchy.

SECURITY GUARD 2
Except for you. You’re coming with us.

PATCHY
Wait! Wait wait wait! Just one more second.

He’s still snapping more photos with his phone.

SECURITY GUARD 1
Sir, what did we tell you about your phone?

SECURITY GUARD 2
(into radio) We’ve got a six-twelver DPOS. Disorderly Pirate On Stage.

SECURITY GUARD 1
(starting toward Patchy) Let’s go...

PATCHY
I’m not leaving again. I need to see the second act! I need to see
SpongeBob!

SECURITY GUARD 2
(starting toward him, really angry now, yanking out her earrings) That’s it,
pirate. You better hold onto your booty...

As the Security Guard starts coming at him,

Patchy makes a run for it. He shouts!

PATCHY
You won’t catch me.

SECURITY GUARD 1
Sir!

PATCHY
(to the audience) I’ll be back!
Draft 11.29.17 77.

SECURITY GUARD 2
All hands on deck!

PATCHY
I’ll be back!

SECURITY GUARD 1
Sir!

SECURITY GUARD 2
We’ve got a psycho on the loose in the building!

PATCHY
I’ll be back! I’ll be back!

Patchy disappears out the back door of the

theater, the two Security Guards in hot pursuit.

After a beat:

FRENCH NARRATOR
Let us now return to our story.

The band launches into a short bit of

TRANSITIONAL MUSIC as the lights shift and we
go back into our story.
Draft 11.29.17 78.

SCENE 2: THE PINEAPPLE

FRENCH NARRATOR (CONT’D)

It is the next morning, and we find ourselves once again in Bikini Bottom.
Here we see SpongeBob, sound asleep in his pineapple home.

SpongeBob is asleep in his pineapple, with Gary

at the foot of the bed.

Suddenly, SpongeBob jerks awake. He’s

breathing hard.

SPONGEBOB
Oh Gary, I had a terrible nightmare. It seemed so real.

GARY
Meow.

SPONGEBOB
No, it’s too crazy, I can’t tell you.

GARY
Meow.

SPONGEBOB
Okay, okay. I dreamed the end was coming at sundown today… and
Patrick abandoned me. Ha, told you it was crazy!

Lights snap up on Perch Perkins.

PERCH PERKINS
Good morning Bikini Bottom. Our top story: the end is coming at
sundown today, and friends are abandoning friends.

Back to Gary and SpongeBob.

SPONGEBOB
(to Gary) So it wasn’t a dream? (a primal cry) Nooooooooooo…

Lights snap out as we see the hands of a clock

spinning.

FRENCH NARRATOR
Ten minutes later.
Draft 11.29.17 79.

Lights up on SpongeBob as his primal cry

continues.

SPONGEBOB
…Ooooooooooo…

Lights snap out as we see the spinning clock.

FRENCH NARRATOR
One hour later.

SpongeBob is still crying his primal cry, but

exhausted now and running out of voice.

SPONGEBOB
…Oooooooooo…

Lights out and the spinning clock.

FRENCH NARRATOR
Fifty years later.

Lights up on SpongeBob, now wearing a long

white beard.

SPONGEBOB
…Oooooooooo…

GARY
Meow?

SPONGEBOB
(to Gary) This? Comes right off.

He takes off the beard and tosses it to the

Conductor.

GARY
Meow.

SpongeBob nods, steeling himself.

SPONGEBOB
You’re right. I have to pull myself together. Pull it together, self! We have
a town to save.
Draft 11.29.17 80.

Music begins. SpongeBob sings.

*SONG: BIKINI BOTTOM DAY REPRISE – by Jonathan Coulton

SPONGEBOB (CONT’D)
CAN’T STAY IN BED,
ONE FINAL MORNING I CAN SPEND WITH GARY.

GARY
Meow.

SPONGEBOB
BIG DAY AHEAD,
TWO PARTS IMPOSSIBLE AND THREE PARTS SCARY.
GARY, YOU KNOW
CLIMBING A KILLER MOUNTAIN WON’T BE EASY.
(he gets back in bed)
I JUST WON’T GO!
(Gary nudges him like crazy)

GARY
Meow!

SPONGEBOB
OK I KNOW, BIKINI BOTTOM NEEDS ME.

Gary reveals a pile of mountain-climbing

supplies that he’s collected. SpongeBob gapes at
them, surprised.

SPONGEBOB (CONT’D)
AND LOOK AT ALL THIS ROPE AND THESE HAMMERS
THAT YOU GOT ME SOMEHOW -
GARY YOU’RE THE GREATEST! WHERE’D YOU GET THIS STUFF?

GARY
MEOW!

SpongeBob loads up with all the climbing

supplies. They’re heavy.

SPONGEBOB
I’M READY THANKS TO YOU,
I KNOW THAT I CAN DO IT
FOR THE WORLD RENOWNED BIKINI BOTTOM!
(MORE)
Draft 11.29.17 81.

SPONGEBOB (CONT'D)
GONNA SAVE THIS TOWN, BIKINI BOTTOM!
I JUST WON'T LOOK DOWN ON THIS MAYBE LAST BIKINI BOTTOM DAY!

Music continues under...

SPONGEBOB (CONT’D)
You need to be strong now, Gary. If I don’t make it back, and I may not,
you have to go on without me.

GARY
Meow.

SPONGEBOB
(tapping his heart) And I carry you in mine, Gary. Always.

GARY
Meow.

With that SpongeBob steps out the door, lugging

the climbing supplies with him.
Draft 11.29.17 82.

SCENE 3: BIKINI BOTTOM

SpongeBob arrives outside to discover that

everything looks different than it did yesterday.
There’s the distant sound of sirens. Police
barricades line the streets. We get the sense of a
changed town—a community that’s falling apart.

The Mayor of Bikini Bottom is there, flanked by

Larry the Lobster, who’s now wearing a
militaristic blast helmet. He holds a JELLYFISH ON
A STICK in one hand and a clipboard in the other.

LARRY THE LOBSTER

Freeze! State your name!

SPONGEBOB
SpongeBob SquarePants. You know me.

LARRY THE LOBSTER

(whispered to his friend) Just following procedure, dude. (he checks his list, then
says loudly and formally to the Mayor) He’s not on the No Swim List.

MAYOR OF BIKINI BOTTOM

(to SpongeBob) Alright then, move along.

SPONGEBOB
No Swim List? I don’t understand. And is that a jellyfish on a stick?

LARRY THE LOBSTER

Don’t make me zap you, bro.

MAYOR OF BIKINI BOTTOM

I’ve declared a State of Emergency. You’re either with me or you’re
against me. Now move along!

SpongeBob sheepishly does as instructed.

Now Squidward comes running past, shoving

SpongeBob aside.

SQUIDWARD
Out of my way, SpongeBob, I have a concert to organize!
Draft 11.29.17 83.

Mr. Krabs runs across the stage, holding a stack

of cash.

MR. KRABS
Armaggedon? More like I’m-a-Gettin’ Rich!

Mrs. Puff runs across stage with a bottle.

MRS. PUFF
Clear off the road! I have a bender to go on!

Now Patrick enters, followed by his Sardine

Devotees.

SARDINE DEVOTEES
Praise pink! Praise pink! Praise pink! Praise pink!

The Angry Mob runs on, led by Old Man Jenkins.

Pitchforks in hand.

OLD MAN JENKINS & ANGRY MOB

Blame the squirrel! Blame the squirrel! Blame the squirrel! Blame the squirrel!

SpongeBob watches it all happen.

As soon as the mob has left, Sandy pops out from

inside a toppled-over trash can where she’s been
hiding from the mob.

SANDY
Are they gone?

SPONGEBOB
Yep.

SANDY
Then let’s get moving while the coast is clear.

SPONGEBOB
Do you have the ingenious bubble device to stop the volcano?

SANDY
(nodding) Took me all night, but it’s ready.
Draft 11.29.17 84.

She holds up a simple cardboard box. Then

opens it to reveal a magical, glowing light
within.

SPONGEBOB
Will you look at that. The ingenious bubble device to stop the volcano.

SANDY
Oh, I came up with a name too: “The Erupter Interrupter.”

SPONGEBOB
Very catchy.

SANDY
Yeah?

SPONGEBOB
Yeah.

SANDY
Cause I wasn’t sure.

SPONGEBOB
I think the rhyme is great.

SANDY
Oh, good.

SPONGEBOB
Rolls off the tongue.

SANDY
Who doesn’t like a good rhyme?

SPONGEBOB
I know I do.

Sandy realizes how far off task they’ve

gotten with their oddly casual back-and-
forth. She snaps them out of it.

SANDY
Okay, enough yammerin’! Duty calls.

They gather up the climbing supplies.

Draft 11.29.17 85.

SANDY (CONT’D)
To the mountain!

SPONGEBOB
Heroes, march!

To the RAT TAT TAT of a drum, they march

offstage, carrying the climbing gear with them.

Lights crossfade.
Draft 11.29.17 86.

SCENE 4: THE CHUM BUCKET

Plankton, with Karen beside him, has been

watching SpongeBob and Sandy through his
telescope.

PLANKTON
If they reach the top and save the town, my whole hypnosis-in-the-escape-
pod scheme will be ruined! And I still don’t have a plan to stop them. My
evil genius is exhausted.

KAREN
Don’t worry, Sheldon. I’ve got just the thing.

PLANKTON
Do tell.

KAREN
I found it in the hall closet, tucked back with the cleaning supplies.

She reveals it: the giant Avalanche Maker 3000™

machine.

PLANKTON
My Avalanche Maker 3000! I’d wondered what happened to that.

KAREN
It was under your Tsunami Maker 2000, across from your Tornado Maker
5000... next to the mop. We can use it to start a landslide that they’ll never
survive. Then Chumville, here we come!

PLANKTON
(impressed) Oh Karen. It's evil. It's diabolical. It's (sniffs it) lemon-scented.

KAREN
Gloat for me, baby.

PLANKTON
Mwahahahaha…

KAREN
Mwahahahaha…

She joins in with her own computerized

maniacal laugh.

KAREN AND PLANKTON

Mwahahahahaha!

Lights shift.
Draft 11.29.17 87.

SCENE 5: THE BIKINI BOTTOM BANDSHELL

A group of TEEN FANS are clustered up, holding

Electric Skates signs, eagerly awaiting the
band’s arrival.

Squidward enters, wearing a Stage Manager’s

headset and carrying a clipboard.

SQUIDWARD
Alright, everyone clear out. This is a closed soundcheck for the Electric
Skates. The concert is this afternoon. So if you’d just....

TEEN FAN 3
They’re here!!

THE ELECTRIC SKATES crash in, each riding a

skateboard or inline skates, and each playing a
tricked-out electric guitar. They are “skate
punk” incarnate: mohawks, piercings, tattoos –
in intense electric colors. They shove Squidward
out of the way.

ELECTRIC SKATE 2
Hello Bikini Bottom! Are you ready to rock?

The Electric Skates launch into a song, replete

with daredevil skate moves and a lot of guitar
thrashing.

* SONG: BIKINI BOTTOM BOOGIE– by Steven Tyler and Joe Perry of Aerosmith

ALL ELECTRIC SKATES

IF YOU WANNA ROCK AND FEELIN’ ALRIGHT
BIKINI BOTTOM BOOGIE ALL NIGHT
GETTING SICK SKATEY SWEET RAD GNARLY AND TIGHT
BIKINI BOTTOM BOOGIE ALL NIGHT

ELECTRIC SKATE 2
TOESIDE HEELSIDE HOW DO I LOOK?
IT DOESN’T REALLY MATTER COZ IT’S SO “OFF THE HOOK”

ELECTRIC SKATE 3
LONG HAIR, SHORT HAIR, MOHAWK OR BALD
Draft 11.29.17 88.

ELECTRIC SKATE 1
OR SHAVIN’ OFF YOUR DORSELS WHEN YOUR GRANDMOTHER CALLED

ALL ELECTRIC SKATES

THERE’S NO MAGIC POTION, JUST JUMP IN THE OCEAN BLUE

In her wild enthusiasm, Pearl jumps up on stage.

PEARL
JUMP IN THE OCEAN BLUE

ALL ELECTRIC SKATES

WOP WA-OOH

Pearl wails over this.

PEARL
OOH – OOH- AAAAAH!

She gets the Skates’ attention.

ELECTRIC SKATE 1
Nice wail, whale!

PEARL
Really? You heard me singing?

ELECTRIC SKATE 1
How could I not?

PEARL
My daddy never hears me. I had to sneak out just to see you.

ELECTRIC SKATE 1
Nice! What’s your name, girl?

PEARL
Um... um...

TEEN FAN 1 TEEN FAN 2

Pearl! Pearl Krabs!
Draft 11.29.17 89.

ELECTRIC SKATE 1
You know what, Pretty Pearl: we’ve been looking for a backup singer to
go on tour with us.

PEARL
(almost unable to breathe) I’d follow you anywhere!

Her friends are stunned and excited.

TEEN FAN 2
Whoa, are you really gonna run away with them??

A beat where the reality of this fully hits Pearl. It

sinks in. And she decides.

PEARL
Yeah. I’m going to run away.

Her friends shout in excitement. Then one of

them rushes forward at Electric Skate 1—

TEEN FAN 1
Will you sign my skateboard?

ELECTRIC SKATE 1
Nah, but I’ll ride it!

As he gets ready to do a trick, Pearl gazes at him

googoo-eyed, and says to her friends...

PEARL
He heard me. He really heard me.

The Electric Skates rock back into the song.

ELECTRIC SKATE 2
THROW UP YOUR HANDS!

PEARL & ENSEMBLE

WHOO!

ELECTRIC SKATE 2
THROW UP YOUR FINS!

PEARL AND ENSEMBLE

WHOO!
Draft 11.29.17 90.

ALL
IN BIKINI BOTTOM, BABY
EVERY BA-BA-BODY WINS!
SO IF YOU WANNA ROCK AND FEELIN’ ALRIGHT.

Throughout the ending, Pearl continues to wail

and riff over and around all of them.

ALL ELECTRIC SKATES

BIKINI BOTTOM BOOGIE ALL NIGHT

PEARL ENSEMBLE
I’M FEELIN’ ALRIGHT TONIGHT! BIKINI BOTTOM BOOGIE ALL NIGHT!

ALL ELECTRIC SKATES

BIKINI BOTTOM BOOGIE ALL NIGHT!

PEARL ENSEMBLE
MY DREAMS ARE COMIN’ TRUE TONIGHT! BIKINI BOTTOM BOOGIE ALL NIGHT!

ALL ELECTRIC SKATES

BIKINI BOTTOM

ALL
BOOGIE ALL NIGHT!

PEARL
TONIGHT! YEAH – YEAH – YEAH- YEAAAAAAAH!!!!!!

As the song ends, the crowd goes wild. Most of

them exit, but Pearl remains behind, staring
adoringly at the band.

Meanwhile, Squidward enters. He plucks a pair of

EAR PLUGS out of his ears and politely applauds.

SQUIDWARD
Bravo, gentlemen, that was some soundcheck. (Tosses out ear plugs)

ELECTRIC SKATE 3
(yelled with heavy metal hand gesture) Rock and roll!

SQUIDWARD
Now, given the great importance of this concert, I’ve been thinking about
how to make it a truly unforgettable event.
Draft 11.29.17 91.

ELECTRIC SKATE 3
Rock and roll!

SQUIDWARD
I believe the answer is a special guest. I’d like to suggest myself.

ELECTRIC SKATE 2
You?

ELECTRIC SKATE 1
Not cool.

SQUIDWARD
But...

ELECTRIC SKATE 3
Rock and roll!

SQUIDWARD
(re: Electric Skate 3) Is that all he…?

ELECTRIC SKATE 1
Yeah. Ever since a stage diving accident.

ELECTRIC SKATE 2
That reminds me. We have a rider.

Electric Skate 2 produces a roll of paper (the

band’s rider) and hands it to Squidward, who
unspools it. The rider is insanely long. It drops
into the orchestra pit. We hear someone shout
out in pain, “My leg!”

SQUIDWARD
(reading it) Two pounds seahorse radish… Four cases kelp juice…
Nineteen assorted shiny objects….

Electric Skate 3 gives a thumbs up. Those shiny

objects are for him.

SQUIDWARD (CONT’D)
There’s no way I can possibly get all this.

ELECTRIC SKATE 2
Whoa whoa whoa. You have to! I can’t rock without it. (to Electric Skate 1,
honestly desperate) Really, you know I can’t…
Draft 11.29.17 92.

ELECTRIC SKATE 1
(to Squidward) Look man, we’ll make you a deal. You get us what we
need, we’ll let you open for us.

SQUIDWARD
Really? You mean it?

ELECTRIC SKATE 2
Sure, Pillword.

SQUIDWARD
Actually, it’s—

ELECTRIC SKATE 1
Catch ya on the flip side, Swillbird.

SQUIDWARD
No, actually it’s —

ELECTRIC SKATE 3
Rock and roll!

SQUIDWARD
Oh forget it.

The Electric Skates are now gone. Pearl calls

after them.

PEARL
I’m going home to get my stuff. I’ll see you at the show. (beat, then
blurted) Also I love you!

Pearl scurries off excitedly.

SQUIDWARD
So… (looking down at the rider) it all comes down to this.

He exits, determined. Lights shift.

FRENCH NARRATOR
Let us now journey to Mount Humongous, towering above Bikini Bottom
in all its great and fearsome majesty.
Draft 11.29.17 93.

SCENE 6: MOUNT HUMONGOUS

Mount Humongous is revealed. It looms over the

stage, terrifyingly tall.

SpongeBob and Sandy stand at the bottom of the

mountain, looking up the slope. They’re loaded
up with the heavy climbing gear.

SPONGEBOB
When you get right up to it, it looks even taller.

SANDY
(she’s worried too) It sure does.

SPONGEBOB
Hey, check out this sign.

He points to a sign on the mountainside. It says

“Mount Humongous: Voted Most Likely to Kill
You - Seven Years in a Row!”

SPONGEBOB (CONT’D)
“Voted Most Likely to Kill You, Seven Years in a Row.”

SANDY
(swallowing hard) That’s quite an achievement.

SpongeBob starts to freak out. Music plays as he

runs in circles, falls to the ground and shakes
uncontrollably.

SPONGEBOB
I can’t do this… I can’t do this…

Sandy slaps him.

SANDY
Snap out of it.

Music stops.

SANDY (CONT’D)
(trying to calm him) I’m scared too. But we have to keep going. Just
remember the Number 1 rule of Karat-ay.
Draft 11.29.17 94.

Gong sound.

SPONGEBOB
Let not the sands of time seep into your shorts… for it shall chafe.

Gong sound.

SANDY
(gives him a “huh?” look, then) Sorry, meant Rule #2. (another gong
sound.) Keep your mind clear, your spirit strong, and your hands free.

With that, Sandy drops her climbing gear and

begins singing. In the course of the song, she
guides SpongeBob to put down his gear too and
rely on something else instead.

SPONGEBOB
What’re you doing?

* SONG: CHOP TO THE TOP - by Lady Antebellum

SANDY
WE’RE TOO HEAVY WHEN WE’RE HOLDING ON TO ALL THAT STUFF
WHY LOAD UP ON TROUBLE, WHEN THERE'S TROUBLE ENOUGH?
YOU GOTTA CHOP TO THE TOP THAT YOU AIM FOR
GET SOME GUMPTION AND YOU WON'T TURN TAIL
JUST KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE PRIZE THAT YOU CAME FOR
AND USE KAR-AT-AY AND YOU CANNOT FAIL, AND

Cue martial-arts dance moves!

SANDY (CONT’D)
CHOP TO THE TOP
CHOP TO THE TOP
COME ON AND
KEEP IT MOVIN’
DON’T STOP TIL YOU DROP
COME ON AND CHOP
COME ON AND CHOP

SpongeBob joins in the song as they start

climbing up the mountain.
Draft 11.29.17 95.

SPONGEBOB
IT FEELS BETTER WHEN YOU’RE KICKING THAT FEAR AWAY
SOMETIMES YOU CAN’T MAKE IT HAPPEN,
BUT THAT WON’T HAPPEN TODAY

SANDY
IF YOU WAIT, IT’S TOO LATE, YOU’RE DEFEATED
PUSH YOURSELF JUST LITTLE BIT HIGHER
YOU WANT TO WIN? DON’T GIVE IN, YOU CAN BEAT IT
FIND YOUR MOJO AND SET IT ON FIRE AND

SPONGEBOB & SANDY

CHOP TO THE TOP
CHOP TO THE TOP
COME ON AND
KEEP IT MOVIN’
DON’T STOP TIL YOU DROP
COME ON AND CHOP
COME ON AND CHOP

SpongeBob looks down. He gets dizzy.

SPONGEBOB
Ground so far below… Sponge so high above…

SANDY
DON’T BE AFRAID
I’LL BE WITH YOU ALL THE WAY -

SpongeBob and Sandy continue climbing,

encountering increasingly difficult terrain.

SANDY (CONT’D)
COME ON AND
CHOP TO THE TOP
CHOP TO THE TOP
COME ON AND
CHOP TO THE TOP
DON’T EVER STOP

SPONGEBOB & SANDY

COME ON AND
CHOP TO THE TOP
CHOP TO THE TOP
COME ON AND CHOP
Draft 11.29.17 96.

SPONGEBOB & SANDY (CONT’D)

COME ON AND
CHOP TO THE TOP
DON’T EVER STOP
COME ON AND CHOP! COME ON AND CHOP! COME ON AND --

Suddenly, they find themselves at the edge of a

dangerous precipice.

Sandy takes a deep breath, then starts across a

ladder bridge.

SANDY
Follow me!

SPONGEBOB
I’m coming!

The ladder falls… SpongeBob struggles…

SANDY
Grab my hand!

SPONGEBOB
I can’t reach it!

Finally SpongeBob makes it to Sandy. But then

SpongeBob falls into a hole!

SANDY
SpongeBob!

SPONGEBOB
Sandy!

SANDY
SpongeBob, where are you??

SPONGEBOB
I don’t know, but it’s really dark!

SANDY
Hold on, I’ll find you!

Finally, they find each other again.

Draft 11.29.17 97.

They almost high five, but then the mountain

starts to spin with them on it.

SANDY & SPONGEBOB

Woaaaah!

They struggle to climb toward each other... and

finally do. Together they stand on a mountain
peak, triumphantly.

SPONGEBOB
We did it! We did it!

SANDY
Uh SpongeBob?

SPONGEBOB
Yes, Uh Sandy?

SANDY
We’re only halfway.

SpongeBob looks up the rest of the mountain,

realizing she’s right.

Lights shift.
Draft 11.29.17 98.

SCENE 7: BIKINI BOTTOM / MOUNT HUMONGOUS

The Doomsday Clock is ticking.

The Sardines surround Patrick on a luxury

throne. They’re showering him with intense
(bordering on slightly terrifying) adulation.

SARDINE DEVOTEE 4
Time is running out!

SARDINE DEVOTEE 1
But your wisdom will save us.

SARDINE DEVOTEES
Give us more O Pointy One!

They all look at him, awaiting wisdom. Patrick

tries to think of some.

PATRICK
Ummmm… ummm… (he can’t think of anything) are we going to do this all day?

ALL SARDINES
Yes!

PATRICK
I have a better idea. Let’s head back to my rock. I have a great couch there.
It can stretch.

SARDINE DEVOTEE 1
(looks at the others, then) How will that help save us?

PATRICK
Um, it won’t? But SpongeBob and I made some awesome stuff with it. We
could too.

SARDINE DEVOTEE 3
We don’t have time for that.

PATRICK
Okay, then we could go jellyfishing, It’s SpongeBob and my favorite
hobby. Once we caught this really huge one, and... (sighs, nostalgic) We
had a time.
Draft 11.29.17 99.

SARDINE DEVOTEE 3
No! You have a mission, O Guru.

SARDINE DEVOTEE 2
You have followers.

ALL SARDINE DEVOTEES

(intense, almost threatening) What else do you need?

Music begins. “Close up” on Patrick as he

considers this question.

* SONG: (I GUESS I) MISS YOU – by John Legend

PATRICK
(to himself) What else do I need?
(now he sings)
NEVER THOUGHT THAT I COULD RIDE SO HIGH WITHOUT YOU
EVERYTHING I’VE GOT’S SO GOOD BUT NOT WITHOUT YOU
BUT SUDDENLY NOTHING FEELS QUITE RIGHT
WHY DOES THE SUNSHINE FEEL LIKE NIGHT?
I’M ONLY PRETENDING I’M ALRIGHT WITHOUT YOU

NOW WHAT’S A MACARONI WITHOUT THE CHEESE

OR PEAS IN A POD WITHOUT THE PEAS
THAT’S THE WAY I FEEL WHEN THERE’S A ME
WITHOUT YOU

I----
I---
I--- GUESS I MISS YOU

And while Patrick lounges there on his luxury

throne, we discover SpongeBob in a much
different place: high up in the howling winds of
Mount Humongous’ s forbidding slopes.

SPONGEBOB
IT DOESN’T REALLY MATTER HOW HIGH I CLIMB
WITHOUT YOU
I CAN’T ENJOY THIS LONELY VIEW WHEN I’M
WITHOUT YOU
NO ONE CAN MAKE ME LAUGH LIKE YOU
NOBODY TURNS MY ONE TO TWO
Draft 11.29.17 100.

SPONGEBOB (CONT'D)
MAYBE THAT’S WHY I FEEL SO BLUE
WITHOUT YOU

TELL ME WHAT’S THE APPLE WITHOUT THE PIE

TELL ME WHAT’S THE FRENCH WITHOUT THE FRY
THAT’S THE WAY I FEEL WHEN I KNOW I’M
WITHOUT YOU

SPONGEBOB PATRICK
I---
I---
I---
I---
I---
I---
GUESS I MISS YOU GUESS I MISS YOU
I---
I---
I--- I---
I--- I---
GUESS I MISS YOU GUESS I MISS YOU

SPONGEBOB
WON’T YOU GET HERE MY FRIEND?

PATRICK
BRING MY SUNSHINE BACK AGAIN

SPONGEBOB & PATRICK

CUZ LIFE’S NO FUN WHEN YOU DON’T COME AROUND

PATRICK SPONGEBOB
I---
I---
I---
I---
I---
I---
GUESS I MISS YOU GUESS I MISS YOU

SPONGEBOB & PATRICK

I---
I---
I--- GUESS I MISS YOU
Draft 11.29.17 101.

Up on the mountain, Sandy calls to SpongeBob.

SANDY
Come on, SpongeBob! This mountain won’t climb itself!

SPONGEBOB
Unless…

SANDY
SpongeBob, it won’t.

SPONGEBOB
Good point. (steeling himself) I’m right behind you.

He glances down at Bikini Bottom one last time,

then continues up the mountainside.

Focus shifts back to Patrick. He’s looking up at

Mount Humongous, remembering the mission he
was supposed to go on with his friends. He says
to the Sardines—

PATRICK
You know what, guys? Maybe I can save you... but this isn’t how. The
guru’s gotta go.

SPONGEBOB & PATRICK

(sung) MMMMMM

Lights shift.
Draft 11.29.17 102.

SCENE 9: BIKINI BOTTOM BANDSHELL

Squidward enters, hauling a giant bag behind

his back. He makes his way to the Bikini Bottom
Bandshell. He drops the bag and wipes his brow,
exhausted.

SQUIDWARD
Done, and just in time. Breathe it in, Squidward. That’s the smell of the
biggest stage in Bikini Bottom. The perfume of a mother’s pride and a
little squid’s dream. (to the conductor) You know what to do.

He signals for the band to strike up. But before

Squidward can burst into song, The Electric
Skates enter. It’s the third time that poor
Squidward has been interrupted before his big
moment.

ELECTRIC SKATE 1
There you are, Billherd.

ELECTRIC SKATE 3
Rock and roll!

ELECTRIC SKATE 2
How’s it going with our rider?

SQUIDWARD
(pointing to the bag) I got everything except the seahorse radish: it’s out
of season. Now, I’d love to have a conversation about my Tentacle
Spectacle…

ELECTRIC SKATE 2
Wait. Did you say NO SEAHORSE RADISH??!!!

ELECTRIC SKATE 1
Man, you have a radish problem.

ELECTRIC SKATE 2
(barking back at him) I can quit anytime I want.

SQUIDWARD
Gentlemen, please…

Electric Skate 2 turns on him now.

Draft 11.29.17 103.

ELECTRIC SKATE 2
Listen Millnerd, there’s no way you’re gonna open for us today.

SQUIDWARD
But I got all this for you! (frustration rising in him) I’ve been waiting my
whole life to perform on this stage. Don’t make me beg.

ELECTRIC SKATE 1
Seems like you’re begging already, Four Legs.

ELECTRIC SKATE 2
Yeah. You are such a loser.

This word, “loser”, triggers an intense response

in Squidward.

SQUIDWARD
What did you call me?

ELECTRIC SKATE 2
Loser.

SQUIDWARD
Oh no no no no. I’m not a loser. YOU’RE the loser. LOSER! LOSER! LOSER!
(he’s getting unhinged now, saying it the same way it sounded in his
traumatic childhood memory)

ELECTRIC SKATE 2
I can’t work like this.

ELECTRIC SKATES 1 + 2
(to Squidward) We quit!

They leave. As they do...

ELECTRIC SKATE 3
Rock and roll!

SQUIDWARD
Fine! Go! Good riddance! Don’t let the kelp hit you on the way out!

Squidward is now left alone onstage.

Music begins. Squidward sings.
Draft 11.29.17 104.

* SONG: I’M NOT A LOSER – by They Might Be Giants

SQUIDWARD (CONT’D)
I’M NOT A LOSER
I DON'T SECRETLY HATE MYSELF.
I'M NOT SINGING THIS TO NO ONE.
IT'S NOT THE CASE THAT NO ONE CARES.

I'M NOT A FAILURE.

I DON'T NOT HAVE TALENT.
WHEN OTHERS SEE ME,
THEY CAN'T SEE THE NOBODY THAT ISN'T THERE.

Wait, wait, hold on, that's a triple negative. You can’t not see nobody,
because I’m not nobody, which can’t not be seen. Let me start over.

MY LIFE'S NOT EMPTY.

THEY DON'T NOT LIKE ME AT ALL.
I DON'T NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE CAUSE
I DON'T NOT PREFER TO STAY AT HOME.

I DON'T STINK,
I'M NOT A WASTE,
I'M NOT ALL ALONE IN THINKING THAT
I AM NOT ALL ALONE…

Maybe I am a loser.

Squidward begins sobbing. Suddenly, a chorus

line of SEA ANEMONES WITH TAP SHOES
appears and sings.

SEA ANEMONES
HEY SQUIDWARD!

SQUIDWARD
(raising his head) Huh?

SEA ANEMONES
YOU'RE NOT DELIRIOUS WITH DESPAIR
AND YOU'RE NOT CALLING TRUE THINGS FALSE!
HEY SQUIDWARD!
Draft 11.29.17 105.

SQUIDWARD
This is weird.

SEA ANEMONES
YOU'RE NOT HALLUCINATING THIS SEA ANEMONE
CHORUS LINE AT ALL!

SQUIDWARD
I’m not?

SEA ANEMONES
YOU’RE NOT A LOSER.
YOU DON'T SECRETLY HATE YOURSELF.
YOU’RE NOT SINGING THIS TO NO ONE.
IT'S NOT THE CASE THAT NO ONE CARES.

YOU’RE NOT A FAILURE,

YOU DON'T NOT HAVE TALENT,
WHEN OTHERS SEE YOU,
THEY CAN'T SEE THE NOBODY THAT ISN'T THERE.

SQUIDWARD SEA ANEMONES

I’M NOT A LOSER!
NOT A LOSER!
THEY DON'T NOT LIKE ME AT ALL OOH
I DON'T NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE CAUSE NO! OOH
I DON'T NOT PREFER TO STAY AT HOME. OOH OH STAY AT HOME
I DON'T STINK,
YOU DON’T STINK
I'M NOT A WASTE
YOU’RE NOT A WASTE
I'M NOT ALL ALONE IN THINKING THAT
I AM NOT ALL ALONE…

SQUIDWARD
Clarinet solo!

Squidward receives a clarinet from offstage and

plays. Finally, he’s getting to have the big
musical number he’s always dreamed of.

It becomes a giant tap dance routine. As he

arrives at the big boffo ending, Squidward joins
a kick line with the Anemones.
Draft 11.29.17 106.

SQUIDWARD (CONT’D) SEA ANEMONES

I’M NOT A LOSER YOU’RE NOT A LOSER
THEY DON’T NOT LIKE ME AT ALL OOH NO!
I DON’T NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE OOH LEAVE THE HOUSE
CAUSE I DON’T
NOT PREFER TO STAY AT HOME NOT PREFER TO STAY AT HOME

SQUIDWARD (CONT’D)
I DON’T STINK!
I’M NOT A WASTE
I’M NOT ALL ALONE IN THINKING THAT I’M NOT! NOT!
NOT ALL ALONE!

SEA ANEMONES
YOU ARE NOT ALONE
YOU ARE NOT ALONE
YOU ARE NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT ALONE
YOU ARE NOT NOT NOT ALONE

End of song. Squidward accepts the audience’s

applause with great relish. Then the Sea
Anemones start to dance again.

SEA ANEMONES (CONT’D)

YOU ARE NOT ALONE, YOU ARE NOT ALONE
YOU ARE NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT

One by one, the Sea Anemones dance off the

stage. Left without them, Squidward realizes the
truth. He really is…

SQUIDWARD
Alone.

As the applause dies down, lights shift.

Draft 11.29.17 107.

SCENE 10: THE CHUM BUCKET

Plankton rises out of the orchestra pit, martini in

hand. Karen rolls on with the Avalanche Maker
3000, working under it like a mechanic.

PLANKTON
How’s it coming, Karen?

KAREN
Almost done. (computer sounds—“beep boop bop”) Target program
complete. I’ll be able to aim the Avalanche Maker with lethal precision.

PLANKTON
Won’t be long now before that sponge is toast. (sighs contentedly, then)
Feels good, working together again. You know, there’s something I’ve
been meaning to ask you for awhile, but I was too nervous. Now we’re
getting along so much better, I thought maybe...

KAREN
Yes, Sheldon?

PLANKTON
It’s just. (beat, then) Sheldon is such a small-sounding name. Maybe you
could call me something else now and then? Something like… I dunno…
“Big Guy”?

Karen is surprised. And a little amused.

KAREN
Big Guy?

PLANKTON
(he profoundly loves it) Yes! Say it again.

Karen smiles. And does.

KAREN
Big Guy.

PLANKTON
I could get used to that.

KAREN
Big Guy.
Draft 11.29.17 108.

PLANKTON
Uhh!

KAREN
Big guy! Big guy!

Hubba hubba! She runs to him, and kisses him.

As they exit together, the lights shift.

Perch Perkins come running onto stage.

PERCH PERKINS
With just one hour left on the Doomsday Clock, I’m coming to you live
from the bandshell. The benefit concert is about to begin. Our phone lines
are now open.

On a VIDEO SCREEN above, we see an image of a

phone bank manned by fish.

PERCH PERKINS (CONT’D)

It’s up to you, our viewers across the ocean. We need your donations to
pay for the escape pod... so we can get out before the volcano blows us all
to oblivion!

Perch looks offstage.

PERCH PERKINS (CONT’D)

And there, you can see them now...

On the VIDEO SCREEN, we see shots of the

Citizens of Bikini Bottom loaded up with
suitcases, looking like refugees.

Everyone is there but Plankton and Karen.

It’s Anatevka meets marine life. Now we hear the

sound of the approaching crowd onstage.

PERCH PERKINS (CONT’D)

…The citizens of Bikini Bottom, led by the Mayor through the streets of
our beleaguered town, on their way to the bandshell. It is a truly historic
exodus.
Draft 11.29.17 109.

CITIZENS
(singing to a tune reminiscent of “Anatevka”)
BIKINI TEVKA
BIKINI TEVKA
AAAAAAAAAH

The CITIZENS OF BIKINI BOTTOM enter with

their suitcases, The Mayor is leading them all.
Larry the Lobster (with his jellyfish-on-a-stick) is
herding them.

Lights shift…
Draft 11.29.17 110.

SCENE 11: THE BIKINI BOTTOM BANDSHELL

The Mayor barks at the assembled crowd.

MAYOR OF BIKINI BOTTOM

Alright, that’s enough. Luggage there, escape pod will go here!

PEARL
Where’s the band? They should be here!

Everyone stops. Realizing they’re gone.

SQUIDWARD
They quit. Artistic differences.

PEARL
They left me behind?! But—he said I could go on tour with them!

MR. KRABS
What? You were going to run away?? (infuriated) Pearl Krabs! If we
survive this, you are grounded. I’m sorry if that sounds cold-blooded, but
I am.

His anger makes Pearl even more upset.

MRS. PUFF
We won’t survive! Without the band, we’ll never raise enough money for the pod.

A cry of fear from the crowd. And now Pearl, who’s

got a lot of pent-up teenage anger at her father,
has an idea. She glares at Mr. Krabs and says—

PEARL
I bet Daddy could pay. He's made a lot of cash off this crisis.

Everyone turns to look at Krabs.

MR. KRABS
Don’t look at me. (As his suitcases pop open, showing tons of cash) Don’t
look at that either.

MAYOR OF BIKINI BOTTOM

Mr. Krabs, the government is hereby seizing your assets.

She signals Larry the Lobster, who grabs the

suitcase away from Krabs.
Draft 11.29.17 111.

Squidward comes scrambling over to help Larry

take a look at what’s inside.

MR. KRABS
(to Pearl) How could you?

PEARL
Is money really more important than all of us? Than me?

Mr. Krabs doesn’t know how to answer that.

Meanwhile, Squidward has been helping Larry

the Lobster count all the cash. And they’ve both
just realized—

SQUIDWARD
It isn’t enough! Not even close!

And then, to make matters worse, there’s

another RUMBLE.

MRS. PUFF
Oh no! Not again!

PERCH PERKINS
(pointing) It’s another boulder!!

MAYOR OF BIKINI BOTTOM

Everyone stay calm!

But no one stays calm. They all scream in fear!

The biggest boulder of all comes rolling through.

IT CRUSHES OLD MAN JENKINS, flattening him

into a 2-D version of himself. There is total
shocked silence. Then Perch turns to the Mayor.

PERCH PERKINS
This is the government’s fault!

MAYOR OF BIKINI BOTTOM

This is the media’s fault!

MR. KRABS
It’s Squidward’s fault!
Draft 11.29.17 112.

SQUIDWARD
(At Krabs) It’s your fault!

And with that, everything dissolves into yelling

and fighting! Everyone blaming each other!

Old Man Jenkins jumps back up, restored to 3-D

form, and joins in the chaos too.

The yelling continues - then everyone freezes.

An actor is revealed at the side of the stage,

holding dolls of SpongeBob and Sandy.

FRENCH NARRATOR
Meanwhile, high on the treacherous slope of Mount Humongous,
SpongeBob and Sandy are ze only hope for Bikini Bottom. Will they reach
the top before Plankton and Karen can stop them? Zut alors! It is a race
against time.

Lights shift to—

Draft 11.29.17 113.

SCENE 12: MOUNT HUMONGOUS / THE CHUM BUCKET

SpongeBob and Sandy climbing.

SANDY
It’s a race against time, SpongeBob!

But it’s getting harder and harder to climb. The

RUMBLING of the mountain keeps getting worse.

SANDY(CONT’D)
Remember what I told ya: don’t stop til you drop.

SPONGEBOB
(a glance down, then) Yeah, let’s definitely not drop.

SANDY
We got this. Eye on the prize.

They climb a few more seconds, then...

SPONGEBOB
Hey, is it me or is it getting pretty toasty up here?

SANDY
I’m sweatin’ like a snowman in a steam room. We’re almost at the top,
come on!

They keep climbing.

The MUSIC SWELLS and FOCUS SHIFTS to Karen

and Plankton at the Chum Bucket. They’re both
wearing safety goggles, and preparing to fire the
Avalanche Maker 3000.

PLANKTON
Alright, now’s our chance.

KAREN
Let’s do this… Big Guy.

Together they prepare the weapon.

PLANKTON
Ready.
Draft 11.29.17 114.

KAREN
Aim.

PLANKTON & KAREN

(shouted in triumphant ecstasy) FIIIIIIRE!

The Avalanche Maker releases a series of

shockwaves, aimed at a section of the mountain.
The shockwaves shake the mountain, releasing a
deluge of boulders. All of it accompanied by a
terrifying rumbling sound.

SPONGEBOB
Do you hear that?

SANDY
(looking up) It’s an avalanche!

Sandy dodges the boulders… but SpongeBob gets

hit by one. He’s sent tumbling off the
mountainside!

Sandy lunges forward and grabs SpongeBob’s

hand, just in time. He’s hanging now. His arm
stretches.

SANDY (CONT’D)
I’ve got you!

SPONGEBOB
I’m slipping!

SANDY
Hold on!

SPONGEBOB
(as he slips) I think this is goodbye, Sandy. These are my last words.

SANDY
No, SpongeBob, please—

SPONGEBOB
Look over there!

SANDY
(confused) Those’re your last words?
Draft 11.29.17 115.

SPONGEBOB
No—it’s Patrick! And he has your jetpack!

He points and we see PATRICK, with Sandy’s

JETPACK strapped on, flying toward them.

PATRICK
I’ll save you!

At this moment, everything clicks into SLOW

MOTION. Patrick zooms toward SpongeBob with
the jetpack.

PATRICK (CONT’D)
(slow-mo voice) Spooooongeboooooob!

SPONGEBOB
(slow-mo voice) Paaaaaaaatriiiiiiiiiiiiick!

Patrick catches SpongeBob and lands safely with

him on the mountainside. Then everything snaps
back into normal speed.

SPONGEBOB (CONT’D)
You came back!

PATRICK
Of course I did. (to Sandy) Hope it’s okay I borrowed your invention.

SANDY
Mi jetpack es su jetpack.

PATRICK
Aw! I don't know what that means. (now to SpongeBob) I realized
something today, buddy. The total devotion of adoring masses is pretty
awesome… but they’re not really there for me. Not like you are.

SPONGEBOB
Hey, we’re B.F.F.’s. Being there for each other is what we do.

PATRICK
No matter what.

They hug it out. Sandy’s getting impatient.

Draft 11.29.17 116.

SANDY
Uh, guys...

Spontaneous dance break.

SPONGEBOB & PATRICK

We’re best friends and this is the friend dance! We’re best friends and this
is the friend dance!

SANDY
This is real sweet, but the town’s gonna be toast if we don’t hurry up.

SPONGEBOB
Alright team, let’s move!

The trio travel further up the mountain as it gets

steeper, hotter and more dangerous.

They arrive at a sheer vertical cliff face - the last

and most dangerous obstacle which leads,
finally, to the mouth of the volcano.

SANDY
Boys, we have a problem.

PATRICK
We do? Oh, you mean this giant unclimbable volcano mouth of doom.

SANDY
No way can I fit through those squeezes.

PATRICK
Me neither. But I bet you could, SpongeBob.

SANDY
Doggonit, that’s right! You can squeeze through anything.

PATRICK
It’s up to you now.

But when SpongeBob looks up the forbidding

rock face, he doubts himself. He shakes his head.

SPONGEBOB
Look at that thing! I can’t do this. Mr. Krabs was right: I am just a simple
sponge.
Draft 11.29.17 117.

PATRICK
No! You remember when we were stuck inside without TV?

SPONGEBOB
(what’s that got to do with anything?) Yeah?

PATRICK
It felt like an epic life-ending disaster, but you got me through it. You
always see the bright side.

Now Sandy chimes in.

SANDY
And you never give up. When I was ready to bail on y’all, you kept me going.

PATRICK
That’s what you bring to the team, SpongeBob. Management skills.

SpongeBob’s eyes light up at this.

SPONGEBOB
Really?

PATRICK
You are manager material.

SANDY
And you can do this.

SpongeBob is convinced.

SPONGEBOB
Give me the Erupter Interrupter.

Sandy gives him the Erupter Interrupter.

SpongeBob takes it.

SPONGEBOB (CONT’D)
(galvanizing himself) Okay.

As UNDERSCORING PLAYS, SpongeBob uses his

stretching skills to get up the wall, avoiding the
many obstacles. Then he stretches and squeezes
through the hole at the top.
Draft 11.29.17 118.

Now he’s almost at the mouth of the volcano. He

sings… slowly, deliberately… as he makes his
way toward the fuming lava crater.

*SONG: SIMPLE SPONGE REPRISE – by Panic! At the Disco

SPONGEBOB (CONT’D)
I AM NOT A SIMPLE SPONGE
I AM NOT A SIMPLE SPONGE
I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT
I AM NOT A SIMPLE SPONGE
I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT
I AM NOT A SIMPLE SPONGE

He’s reached the steaming mouth of the volcano.

He shouts back to Sandy and Patrick, who are
waiting below.

SPONGEBOB (CONT’D)
I’m here! And it’s really really hot.

SANDY
Throw it in!

PATRICK
On the count of three.

SANDY & PATRICK

One… two…

SPONGEBOB
Wait, on three or after three?

PATRICK
I don’t get the question.

SPONGEBOB
Like one two three, or one two three (“unh” sound)?

SANDY
(discussing with Patrick) One two three (unh). Right?

PATRICK
Yeah. One two three (unh).
Draft 11.29.17 119.

SPONGEBOB
Got it.

ALL OF THEM
One two three (unh)!

SpongeBob throws the Erupter Interrupter into

the mouth of the volcano. They listen as it falls
and falls… and the sound fades away. The
Erupter Interrupter is now somewhere deep in
the depths of the volcano.

SANDY
Now we wait until sundown and hope it works.

PATRICK
“Hope”?

SpongeBob, meanwhile, has rejoined his friends.

PATRICK (CONT’D)
What do you mean, “hope”??

SANDY
(apologetic) I think my calculations’re right, but as they say in Texas—the
proof is in the cow pie.

PATRICK
I love pie.

SANDY
(she looks at the DOOMSDAY CLOCK) We’ll know for sure in ten minutes.

Suddenly, there’s the sound of distant

SCREAMING, down below the mountain.

PATRICK
Hey, what’s that?

SANDY
It’s coming from down there.

They look down off the mountain and see the

chaos in Bikini Bottom below (which the
Conductor enacts with a miniature toy version of
the town.)
Draft 11.29.17 120.

SPONGEBOB
They’re all attacking each other!

There’s the sound of a BUILDING COLLAPSING.

They all react, horrified.

PATRICK
That was the Krusty Krab!

SANDY
Volcano or not, Bikini Bottom’s gonna destroy itself.

SPONGEBOB
If we don’t stop this, they won’t last for ten more minutes.

SANDY
But it’ll take hours to climb down.

PATRICK
I have an idea.

SPONGEBOB
(talking over Patrick, to Sandy) We could roll down. Might hurt a little,
but…

PATRICK
Guys, I have an idea.

SANDY
(to SpongeBob) Maybe if we sort of tuck in our heads…

PATRICK
PAY ATTENTION TO ME!!

Finally, SpongeBob and Sandy stop and listen to

him. He points to the jetpack.

PATRICK (CONT’D)
This jetpack has a parachute.

SANDY
Of course!

PATRICK
See? My ideas are worth listening to.
Draft 11.29.17 121.

SPONGEBOB
You can say that again.

PATRICK
See? My ideas are worth...

SANDY
(cutting him off) Okay, boys, let’s do this thing!

SpongeBob grabs one of Patrick’s arms and

Sandy grabs onto the other.

PATRICK, SPONGEBOB, SANDY

Us, go!

Just as they’re about to jump off the edge of the

mountain, the lights abruptly shift….
Draft 11.29.17 122.

SCENE 13: BIKINI BOTTOM

Focus returns to the citizens of Bikini Bottom.

They’re all freaking out, attacking each other,
destroying everything.

(Everyone is there except for Plankton and

Karen.)

Patrick, Sandy and SpongeBob descend into the

crowd with their PARACHUTE. No one notices
them. They’re too busy fighting and destroying.

Until SpongeBob shouts—

SPONGEBOB
STOOOOOOOOP!

Everyone stops and turns to look at SpongeBob.

SPONGEBOB (CONT’D)
What are you doing???!!!!

SQUIDWARD
(gesturing to the debris all around them) Is that a rhetorical question?

Just then, Plankton and Karen come rushing in.

PLANKTON
Quick, everyone! Those fools perished in an avalanche! We have to get
into the escape pod and—

But Karen has realized, before he has…

KAREN
Honey. They’re alive.

PLANKTON
They are?

Plankton and Karen gape at the three friends.

SPONGEBOB
Yes, we are. But thanks for worrying about our safety, Plankton. Seems
you’re the only one with some decency left.
Draft 11.29.17 123.

SANDY
We made it to the top and dropped the bubble device into the volcano. In
seven minutes, we’ll know if we saved the town.

SPONGEBOB
But if you keep going like this, it won’t matter either way. There won’t be
anything left to save!

SQUIDWARD
Deep thoughts, SpongeBob, but—

SPONGEBOB
I’M NOT FINISHED! At a time like this, we should be coming together.
Instead everyone’s looking for someone to blame (re: the mob)… or follow
(re: the Sardines)… to exploit (re: Krabs)… or control (re: Mayor).

SANDY
You’re all so scared for yourselves that you’re turning against each other.
That’s just as dangerous as any volcano.

SPONGEBOB
It doesn’t have to be like this. We might only have seven minutes left, but
we could make them the best seven minutes ever.

MRS. PUFF
How? The town is in ruins!

SQUIDWARD
I told you, SpongeBob: the world’s a horrible place filled with fear,
suffering and despair. You didn’t believe me.

SPONGEBOB
I still don’t. Just look at the sun.

Everyone looks up at the sun.

SPONGEBOB (CONT’D)
It’s still shining. Look at the kelp.

Everyone looks over at the kelp.

SPONGEBOB (CONT’D)
It’s still… kelp-y. Look at us.

Everyone looks around at each other.

Draft 11.29.17 124.

SPONGEBOB (CONT’D)
We still have each other.

Music begins, slowly at first.

* SONG: BEST DAY EVER – by Andy Paley and Tom Kenny

SPONGEBOB (CONT’D)
JUST SIX MORE MINUTES LEFT
WE’VE DONE ALL WE COULD DO
AND WHATEVER HAPPENS NEXT
I’M GLAD I’M HERE WITH YOU

The music picks up speed now, morphing into

that sunny vamp we all know so well.

SPONGEBOB (CONT’D)
MR. SUN CAME UP AND HE SMILED AT ME,
SAID IT'S GONNA BE THE BEST DAY JUST WAIT AND SEE.
VOLCANIC DOOMSDAY CAUGHT US UNAWARE,
BUT WE’RE STILL HERE AND MR. SUN’S UP THERE!

The crowd starts to join in the song.

SPONGEBOB (CONT’D)
COULD BE THE BEST DAY EVER

SANDY
BEST DAY EVER

SPONGEBOB
STILL COULD BE THE BEST DAY EVER

SANDY & PATRICK

BEST DAY EVER

SPONGEBOB BASS SANDY, PATRICK

. AND ENSEMBLE
I'M SO LUCKY DUM DA DUM
WITH NOTHING TO DO DUM DA DUM OOH
I CAN SPEND FIVE DUM DA DUM OOH
MINUTES DUM DA DUM
JUST BEING WITH YOU DUM DA DUM AHH
EVERY FLOWER, DUM DA DUM AHH
EVERY GRAIN OF SAND DUM
Draft 11.29.17 125.

SPONGEBOB BASS SANDY, PATRICK .

. AND ENSEMBLE
IS REACHING OUT
IS REACHING OUT TO DUM
SHAKE MY HAND SHAKE MY HAND
IT’S THE BEST DAY

SPONGEBOB WOMEN MEN

IT’S THE BEST DAY EVER BEST DAY EVER
THE BEST DAY EVER BEST DAY EVER
IT’S THE BEST DAY BEST DAY
EVER BEST DAY
THE BEST DAY THE BEST DAY
EVER EVER EVER

As the song continues, the denizens of Bikini

Bottom start to accept SpongeBob’s
philosophy—and start having the best day ever.
Whatever that means to each of them.

SPONGEBOB WOMEN MEN (CONT’D)

THESE PAST TWO DAYS OOH
THE WORLD’S BEEN OOH OOH
CLOSING IN ON ME
BUT WHEN I’M
FEELING DOWN FEELING DOWN FEELING DOWN
I CAN
LOSE THAT FROWN LOSE THAT FROWN LOSE THAT FROWN
JUST STICK MY
HEAD OUT THE WINDOW HEAD OUT THE WINDOW HEAD OUT THE WINDOW
AND LOOK AROUND AND LOOK AROUND AND LOOK AROUND
LAVA DOESN’T SCARE ME,
IT CAN'T DISGUISE OOH OOH
THIS MAGIC THAT'S THIS MAGIC MAGIC, MAGIC
HAPPENING RIGHT AHH AHH
BEFORE MY EYES OOO OOO
WHATEVER COMES WHATEVER COMES
THERE’S JUST
ONE THING TO DO ONE THING TO DO THING TO DO
MAKE THIS THE
BEST DAY EVER BEST DAY BEST DAY
WITH ALL OF YOU OOH OOH
TODAY’S THE
BEST DAY EVER BEST DAY BEST DAY
WITH ALL OF YOU NOW!
Draft 11.29.17 126.

SQUIDWARD
IT’S THE BEST DAY EVER!

SPONGEBOB WOMEN MEN

IT’S THE BEST DAY EVER BEST DAY EVER
THE BEST DAY EVER THE BEST DAY EVER
IT’S THE BEST DAY EVER
THE BEST DAY EVER BEST DAY EVER
THE BEST DAY EVER
BEST DAY EVER
THE BEST DAY EVER

SPONGEBOB WOMEN & MEN BASS

(improv scatting)
BOP BOP DUM BA DUM
BA DOP BA DOP BA DUM DUM BA DUM
BOP BOP BEST DAY EVER BA DUM
IT’S THE BEST DAY DUM BA DUM BA DUM
BOP BOP DUM BA DUM
BA DOP BA DOP
BOP BOP BEST DAY EVER BA DUM
IT’S THE BEST DAY EVER IT’S THE BEST DAY EVER IT’S THE BEST DAY EVER
OOH OOH OOH OOH OOH OOH

For the final stanza, the music quiets down.

Squidward points to the clock.

SQUIDWARD
There’s one minute left.

PATRICK
The sun’s about to set.

SPONGEBOB
This is it, everyone.

SANDY
Come on, Erupter Interrupter, come on.

Slowly, everyone joins hands.

The townsfish all stand there, waiting as one.

Finally united.
Draft 11.29.17 127.

ALL
(quietly now)
IT’S THE BEST DAY EVER
BEST DAY EVER…
IT’S THE BEST DAY EVER
BEST DAY EVER…

They all close their eyes.

ALL (CONT’D)
5…4…3…2…

Night falls.

They all brace themselves, holding tightly to

each other’s hands.

A long silence.

Nothing happens.

PLANKTON
It didn’t erupt.

Very slowly, gentle BUBBLES start to fall down

from above, accompanied by delicate music. The
crowd stands in silent wonder.

SPONGEBOB
Look Sandy, bubbles. It worked just how you said.

OLD MAN JENKINS

(to Sandy, surprised) You did this?

SANDY
(including SpongeBob and Patrick too) We did.

OLD MAN JENKINS

(truly moved, to Sandy) Thank you.

PERCH PERKINS
This just in—Bikini Bottom is saved!
Draft 11.29.17 128.

Relief sweeps the crowd. Music swells. The

Townsfish cheer, hug, fall to their knees, weep
with joy. Everything is going to be okay after all!
The Mayor makes a pronouncement.

MAYOR OF BIKINI BOTTOM

I should apologize for my flagrant abuses of power. Mistakes were made.

PLANKTON
(to Karen) Like your avalanche idea, for one.

KAREN
My idea? We came up with it together.

PLANKTON
Not how I remember it.

KAREN PLANKTON
Unbelievable. We found the spark again.
But as soon as things don’t go perfectly Is it so wrong that I wanted
you take it out on me! Unbelievable, Sheldon. to finally get lucky with
ONE EVIL SCHEME??!!

He shouted it so loudly that everyone heard.

PLANKTON (CONT’D)
(sheepish) They all heard that, didn’t they?

MR. KRABS
I knew this was one of yer schemes, you lousy (instead of profanity, we
hear a dolphin sound)

PLANKTON
How dare you call me a (another dolphin sound)

They dolphin-curse at each other. It gets more

and more heated... and Pearl tries to break it up.

MAYOR OF BIKINI BOTTOM

Stop it, please! We need to work together now, to rebuild our home.

MR. KRABS
(grudgingly) Alright. (turning to SpongeBob) Y’know, I was wrong about
you, boy. I think you could be manager someday.
Draft 11.29.17 129.

PATRICK
(to SpongeBob) Told you.

SPONGEBOB
I’m ready! I’m ready! I’m ready!

MR. KRABS
At the same salary, of course.

SpongeBob, Sandy and Patrick (absurdly) cheer

about the fact that he’s going to be getting the
same salary.

SPONGEBOB
We should celebrate! Let’s have the concert!

MRS. PUFF
We can’t have a concert without the band.

PEARL
We don’t need some boy band to rock for us. We can do it ourselves. (she
does a rock and roll wail) YEAHHHHHHHHH!

Mr. Krabs gapes at her. In awe. And proud.

MR. KRABS
Pearlie… I had no idea you could sing.

They embrace. A moment of connection.

LARRY THE LOBSTER

I’ll be in any band with that dope voice. Count me in!

More enthusiastic responses follow.

KAREN
Me too! I play a mean glockenspiel.

PATRICK
Ooh ooh is mayonnaise an instrument?

SPONGEBOB
Squidward, you’ll be on clarinet of course...

SQUIDWARD
You want me to perform? Finally! My moment has come, Mama!
Draft 11.29.17 130.

PATRICK
How about you, Sandy?

SANDY
It’s time to push on from here. Find someplace I’m a little more welcome.

Old Man Jenkins has overheard this

conversation. He hobbles over and says to
Sandy...

OLD MAN JENKINS

Wait. The Bikini Bottom Way says “all are welcome here.” That should
mean you too.

SANDY
Appreciate that. But I’m not sure I can trust y’all again.

SPONGEBOB
I know... (including Old Man Jenkins) but give them another chance?

OLD MAN JENKINS

Please?

SPONGEBOB
This is your home, Sandy.

PATRICK
It’s where your team is.

Sandy looks at everyone assembled around her.

All wanting her to stay. And she decides.

SANDY
(big smile) Someone get me a gui-tar!!

SPONGEBOB
(grins, then) Okay everyone, places for the concert! (Everyone rushes off to
places. SpongeBob taps on the mic.) Is this thing on? (It is. The conductor
hands SpongeBob a ukulele.) Thank you, Maestro. (he calls out) Are you
ready… to rock?! (sounds of affirmation from offstage) One two three
four!

SpongeBob starts to play his ukelele.

Draft 11.29.17 131.

* SONG: FINALE: BIKINI BOTTOM DAY REPRISE – by Jonathan Coulton

SPONGEBOB (CONT’D)
BUSY DAY
STOPPED A VOLCANO, KEPT A TOWN FROM FRYING.

Sandy enters, playing a guitar as she sings. As

the rest of the characters reenter, they’re all
playing instruments too. It’s a flash mob, Bikini
Bottom style.

SANDY
WE FOUND A WAY,
EVERYTHING GETS BETTER IF YOU KEEP ON TRYING.

SQUIDWARD
A SPONGE CAN BE HANDY WHEN YOU’RE CLEANING UP SPILLS

MR. KRABS
SOMETIMES YOU NEED A HERO WITH SOME MANAGEMENT SKILLS

SPONGEBOB
HEY THERE, THAT’S ME! HAPPY JUST TO BE HERE
IN THE WORLD RENOWNED

ALL
BIKINI BOTTOM!

SPONGEBOB
HOW I LOVE THIS TOWN,

ALL
BIKINI BOTTOM,

SPONGEBOB
WHEN THE SUN SHINES DOWN

ALL
ON A BEAUTIFUL BIKINI BOTTOM DAY

There’s one final surprise in store. A piece of the

ceiling comes toppling in from above—followed
shortly after by Patchy, rappelling down from
the flies on a rope. He broke in through the roof!
Draft 11.29.17 132.

PATCHY THE PIRATE

Aaar, I told ye I’d be back! (he lands, then sees SpongeBob, and calls to him
in utter awe) And there you are!

Spongebob counts the song back in.

SPONGEBOB
(counting them back in) Three…Four…

They launch back into the song.

ALL
IN THE WORLD RENOWNED BIKINI BOTTOM!
HOW I LOVE THIS TOWN, BIKINI BOTTOM!
WHEN THE SUN SHINES DOWN
THE SUN SHINES DOWN
WHEN THE SUN SHINES DOWN
THE SUN SHINES DOWN
ON A BEAUTIFUL BIKINI BOTTOM…

GARY
Meow.

ALL
DAAAAAAAAAAY!

The company holds the longest chord ever.

Confetti shoots into the air, bubbles fall into the
theater, more and more and more until…

The song crashes to a close. Black out.

CURTAIN CALL. At the end of which:

The band slams into a rock-and-roll version of

the SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS THEME SONG.

During the song, giant yellow beach balls are

tossed into the audience, and the company
celebrates with the audience.
Draft 11.29.17 133.

* SONG: SPONGEBOB THEME SONG – by Derek Drymon, Mark Harrison,

Stephen Hillenburg and Blaise Smith

ALL (CONT’D)
WHO LIVES IN A PINEAPPLE UNDER THE SEA
SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS
ABSORBANT AND YELLOW AND POROUS IS HE
SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS
IF NAUTICAL NONSENSE BE SOMETHING YOU WISH
SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS
THEN DROP ON THE DECK AND FLOP LIKE A FISH
SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS
SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS
SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS
SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS
SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS!!!!!!!!

The cast dances off. After the band plays out -

after most people have progressed up the aisles -
we hear:

FRENCH NARRATOR
And now, it is time to go home. That means all of you. Even you in the
third row, you have picked up enough of those streamers. We hope you
enjoyed your visit to Bikini Bottom! Au revoir.

END OF PLAY.