ONCE BITTEN, TWICE SHY

I was late. I walked as fast as my 90 kilos would let me. Big mistake to sign up for the early morning
class. I had been too ambitious and now it was hurting.
As I stepped off the top stair and walked to the open door, déjà vu’ filled the air. The puffing breath had
slowed down, but the sight in front of my eyes set my heart racing.
Peaceful face, eyes closed, hands placed in the lap over crossed legs. The teacher, nay, my ex-girlfriend
sat facing the 30 students who were all in the same pose. Meenakshi looked just as she had 10 years ago.
The next forty minutes, I wrestled with my mind and my body, neither of which would bend. Should I or
shouldn’t I approach her? Was it better to wait till I was ‘discovered’? Would I be snubbed, ignored,
indulged?
By the time I had gathered the courage to face my past, the class had ended and the teacher was already at
her car’s door.
I was proud of the armour I had built over my body and mind in the past few years. That Badri’s sight
could still dent that armour jolted me. The past I thought I had gotten over, was prying out my feelings.
He had not been there when the class started. When I opened my eyes, it took me a few seconds to figure
out that the tall, hefty guy at the back in a Superman T-shirt was not just another student. Somehow I
whizzed through the class and was about to leave, when the voice from the past beckoned.
“Meenakshi, please wait.”
She covered the surprise on her face with a faint smile and murmured a Hi.
“I…uh...didn’t know you were the teacher. Been a long time. Can we talk?”
“Um..actually, my next class starts in 10 minutes. I’ve to go.” And just like that she stepped into her car
and drove away.
Oh, that voice! How I had waited to hear it then, but now it was like a thorn scraping my skin. I just had
to get away. Nausea threatened, anger rose and tears gushed as I drove away as fast as I could.
I was stunned, then angry, sad and finally frustrated. But perseverance came easy to me. That morning
when I saw her first, I only wanted to have a chat and catch up with her. Her snub however pushed me
back in time and now I was getting ideas. I daydreamed my way through office and wife. What if…
By evening, my determination had grown stronger.
The day passed in a blur. What kind of test was this? Had I not signed the contract, I would have just
disappeared from this class and this city.

For the next three days, I was the first to enter and the last to leave class, paying extra attention to
everything and pestering her for a coffee/chat after class. It had been much easier the first time around.
My efforts were rewarded on Thursday, when she finally agreed for a chat, “but only 10 minutes, I have
another class”.
Next few days, I tried to maintain, even fake, a calm disposition, in spite of the storm brewing inside me.
I could cheat myself, but him? A small glimmer of hope was enough to boost his determination. We knew
each other inside out.
I thought I should get it over with and shoo him away, so I agreed to talk.
The Meenakshi of yore seemed to be hidden away under layers of a new calm, peace-loving Yoga guru.
The bubbly, talkative, ever-giggling girl of 20 I had left behind that fateful day was nowhere in sight.
Why would she be? I killed her soul that day.
“I..uh..don’t want to delve into the past, but I really want to apologise for what I did. I know I am
responsible for what you are now. I have lived with that guilt for 10 years. I just want to make amends for
it.”
“I don’t live in the past. Whatever I am now, I am happy”.
I heard no happiness in the voice. Did she think she could fool me? Me, who had known her body and
soul for 4 years.
Even though physically, he now resembled a bull, he was still the same 20-year old Badri inside.
Charming, suave, excited, attractive.
It hurt when he said he had a wife. No kids yet.
Together we seemed to symbolise how much and how little one could change in a decade.
Every second day I tried to draw her into a conversation. How does this asana benefit me? Where did you
learn Yoga? Can you do a head-stand?
I had to break the wall, to build it again. Unless the past had been swept clean, there could be no future.
I know why he asks me so many ‘Yoga-related’ questions. Somehow I enjoy answering them. Talking to
him, but from a distance.
I thought I was safe at a distance, feelings in control. But this was Badri. I should have known.
The Yoga Day celebrations came as a blessing. It was almost 10 when it finished and all the volunteers
had left. I lingered on and tagged after her. “How about dinner? There’s a quiet place close by”.
When she finally gave in, I could see my charm working, but there was still a long night to go and much
work to do.
The passing mention of my sister’s baby did the trick. Her eyes glazed over and she froze.
“Meenakshi, there’s no avoiding it. Much as I want to let you forget it, I have to face up to what I did that
day. When you showed me the blue line, I..I…my mind went blank. I was filled with a great fear. I sought
escape. I couldn’t think of anything or anyone except myself, my life, my career. 20 is no age to start a
family I thought. How I regret it now. We could have been so much together.”
Unintentionally, my eyes welled up and I flicked a tear from the corner of my eye. I had touched a raw
nerve in her and out sprang an emotional deluge.
I moved to her side of the table, put my hand around her, her head on my shoulder and let time wash
away the pain. I swear I did it, not because I wanted to touch her (well, I had that idea earlier, but not at
this moment), but to share her grief and comfort her.
I drew her out slowly, where she had been, doing what, relationships (none, I noted satisfactorily), what
she planned to do. Talking helps people get over the pain. Not to mention, it served my purpose.
I was tired and hungry and probably out of my senses when I agreed to go out for dinner with him after
the Yoga Day celebrations. Did he do it on purpose or was it just a slip of the tongue? I don’t know. But
the sheer mention of the baby caught me by the throat. Before I knew it, he had opened the small bag of
fresh wounds I had stowed away in a corner of my heart. And then all hell was let loose.
That morning enfolded before my eyes…the blue line on the slide, his bleary eyes staring at it blankly,
my attempt to convince him, we were majors, out of college, placed in good companies, the ensuing
argument, his desperation at a ruined life, career, my parents will never agree, door slammed shut.
And he disappeared from my life. Like a whiff of smoke.
That he stood corrected after 10 years was little comfort to me. The scars on my body had healed but the
gash in the mind still hurt every time anyone touched it. All the bundled up emotions poured out as I
talked to him amidst sniffles and sobs.
In the coming days, I couldn’t help but feel happy to see Meenakshi open up, like the layers of a bud
blooming into a flower. We would talk before and after class, about this and that (nothing personal), go
for a coffee. She even showed me where she lived.
My fear of her morality getting in the way was dispelled one day, when she talked bitterly about the
divorce her friend was going through. With some deft handling on my part, the topic soon turned to my
marriage. I didn’t have to lie about Jack and Jill. It was all going downhill anyway.
For a moment, I thought I should go down on my knees and propose to her. Like I would have done after
college, if the blue line hadn’t ruined everything. But now I was wiser, things were better moved slowly.
Surprisingly, the next time I saw him at class, I felt like I was meeting a stranger. The catharsis was
complete.
We met often and talked all the time. It was like being back in college with a close friend. He even told
me once about how he was stuck in a loveless marriage.

Sitting on the stairs outside her apartment one day, I threw her a bait dressed as a casual one-liner.
“Sometimes I wish we could still be together.”
“Hmm…I wish too, but I guess it’s too late now.”
I did an about-turn in my head and grabbed the chance.
“You know Meenakshi. Sometimes I feel like my life is not worth living. No peace at home. No peace in
my mind. You are the only one who can change all that. If you want to. We can start a new life together
in a new city. I promise I’ll keep you miles away from any kind of pain and hurt.”
“You sound like a besotted 20-year old again. I wish it could happen, but I would rather let fate make my
decision. I don’t want to be fooled again.”
I gave her a wistful, guilty look and took her hands in mine. Short of falling at her feet, I begged,
beseeched and implored her to give me another chance.
“If you really believe me and love me, then I’ll wait for you at the airport tomorrow morning at 8. I’m
going now to book 2 tickets for the early morning flight to Goa”, I ended. Then I got up and ran down the
stairs.

I think all our feelings, emotions and love precipitated yesterday when we went down the nostalgia lane.
He suddenly proposed to me on the staircase and with such intensity, I am still reeling. Is this for real?
Can it happen? Do we get a second chance?

*********************************************************************************
Meenakshi stood outside the entrance dressed in a blue top and jeans, trying to be conspicuous. She had
gathered her meagre life into a suitcase and a backpack. It took all her Yogic practice to keep her thoughts
from brimming over. A new life? Now? With an ex? Right? Wrong? Every few seconds, she would
breathe deeply and try to re-focus.
Ensconced in her reveries, she didn’t notice Badri until he was just a few steps away. He walked up to
her, gave her a semi-hug and a weak smile.
“Where’s your luggage?”, she said.
“Huh..Oh… actually, I had to show you something.”
He fished into his pocket, brought out a small plastic case with a blue coloured line. She knew instantly
what it was.
Badri held it up and said, “This is my wife’s. She showed it to me this morning. Tell me, can I leave her
now?”