Best Self
By Mike Bayer
Overview
What separates a meth addict from a world-renowned life coach? Surprisingly,
these two seemingly disparate identities both belong to the same person. With
time and a hard-won knowledge of his authentic self, Mike Bayer, former meth
addict and author of Best Self: Be You, Only Better (2019), transformed his bleak
existence into an awe-inspiring life. Best Self outlines his universal approach to
understanding how self-perception, self-belief, and self-knowledge interact to
ultimately create a healthy, successful existence.
True growth requires insight into deeply held personal goals and desires.
Without understanding the difference between a genuine personal desire and a
perceived social mandate, those trapped in unhappy situations or behaviors will
be unable to break self-destructive cycles. Perceived social mandates do not
include edicts such as obeying legal laws, but refer to pressures to conform to
social ideals, such as norms for gender roles, professional rank, age, or other
relatively flexible categories.
No two people are exactly alike, and to be happy, individuals’ specific choices
must reflect their authentic interior self. However, this apparently simplistic
reflection requires complex and detailed self-analysis. The authentic self is not
discovered by checking boxes on a multiple-choice personality exam or choosing
a label that sounds appropriate or desirable. Instead, authenticity derives from
being in tune both with personal emotions and conscious desires.
Many change-seekers experience poor alignment between their goals and deeds
because they prioritize conformity to social expectations. In addition,
unprocessed trauma can cause people to overeat, indulge in drugs, or otherwise
take up behaviors that keep them from attaining their full potential. Likewise,
those who are unable to conquer their fears often find themselves trapped in
unfulfilling jobs or relationships. The longer these traumas or fears are left
unattended, the greater their power is to permanently trap someone into a life
that does not sustain his or her Best Self.
The pressure to conform to perceived social expectations can also discourage
otherwise talented people from achieving their full potential. For example, a
paralegal may dream of becoming a lawyer, but remain daunted by the fear of
ridicule from her office peers for being too ambitious. Social constraints aren’t
just limited to the professional arena; faulty perceptions in relationships, health,
spiritual associations, and social presence can dramatically undermine an
otherwise happy existence. While social pressures can sometimes feel
overwhelming, everyone must choose the path that allows them to exhibit their
full range of natural talents and abilities.
Luckily, the closer people come to proper self-alignment, the better and more
capable they will feel. The more accurately people align each aspect of their life
with personal emotions and desires, the closer they will be to leading a fulfilling
existence and becoming their Best Self.
Key Insights
1. The qualities that constitute an individual’s character can be divided into a
“Best Self” and an “Anti-Self.”
2. Regardless of their profession, everyone can be considered an artist in
terms of the specific skill set they are most adept at performing.
3. Longstanding fears that have hampered past attempts to change can often
be dispelled with a methodical, logical process of goal-setting.
4. There are seven areas, or spheres, of personal self-improvement.
5. Thriving in groups of people is natural, while self-isolation is not.
6. Becoming one’s own friend is vital to success in the personal sphere.
7. The Anti-Self frequently encourages unhealthy behaviors.
8. A love of learning is crucial regardless of one’s age.
9. Differences in shared values create problems in the relationship sphere.
10. A poor fit at work should not be endured.
11. Remaining true to fundamental beliefs will ensure a healthy spiritual
sphere.
Key Insight 1
The qualities that constitute an individual’s character can be divided into a
“Best Self” and an “Anti-Self.”
To change for the better, it is helpful first to understand what constitutes good
and bad behavior. Within each individual there is a spectrum of behaviors that
emerge depending on specific situations or moods. These behaviors belong to
two different personality profiles: the Best Self and the Anti-Self. The Best Self
seeks to identify which traits and behaviors will help to attain goals, while the
Anti-Self classifies traits or behaviors that derail those same goals. For example, a
woman stuck in rush hour traffic may revert to her Anti-Self when she chooses to
display her displeasure by cursing and honking at fellow drivers. This same
woman may discover that she becomes her “Best Self” when she attends her
niece’s piano recital and is able to express genuine sentiments of awe and
affection for her niece after the performance.
By actively identifying these behaviors and then labeling them by assigning them
a name, it’s easier to avoid the poor behaviors of the Anti-Self while embracing
the excellent traits of the Best Self. In the previous example, the woman stuck in
traffic may label her Anti-Self traits as belonging to “Brenda” and her Best Self
traits as characteristic of “Clarice.” Whenever she senses that Brenda is about to
emerge, she can actively thwart these behaviors by refusing to needlessly blame
others or become overly aggressive. She can actively attempt to become Clarice
by practicing gratitude, attentiveness, and kindness.
Key Insight 2
Regardless of their profession, everyone can be considered an artist in terms of
the specific skill set they are most adept at performing.
Jobs can often be summarized in a paragraph or less, but the nuance that goes
into each occupation is often overlooked. Consider the swimming pool lifeguard
who happily remembers the names of regular swimmers, sends out weekly
newsletters with updates on sporting events, and keeps her co-workers informed
and entertained during staff meetings. The job of “lifeguard” is to prevent
drownings and respond to accidents, but the art of the lifeguard is to create a
fun, safe, and engaging atmosphere in which the job is performed.
All workers have the potential to bring something special to their professional
environment that originates entirely from their unique personality and
disposition. This intangible quality is that person’s art form. Workers who feel
depressed or drained by their work environments need to find a place where
they can display and be rewarded for their particular set of skills, whether this
means becoming a savvy customer service agent, a gifted prosecutor, or an
aesthetically advanced hair stylist.
Discovering your personal art requires carefully observing your reactions to a
given work experience. In what jobs or environments did you feel the most at
home or energized? Was there a particular function or interaction which enabled
you to thrive? The answers to these questions will vary considerably with each
individual. Honest answers will enable professionals to seek out work that is not
only rewarding, but that encourages their Best Self to shine. The more
employment experiences one has, the easier it becomes to identify those
situations which are rewarding, and those which are draining.
Key Insight 3
Longstanding fears that have hampered past attempts to change can often be
dispelled with a methodical, logical process of goal-setting.
Problems with personal relationships, professional goals, and physical health are
often rooted in an inability to manage or confront old fears. For example, a man
might continue to pine after unavailable women because deep down, he believes
he does not deserve a committed and loving relationship. By addressing and
debunking this fear directly, he will be able at last to move beyond the stasis of
his previous life and begin exploring healthy romantic pairings. However,
breaking down this fear requires overriding his previous emotional responses
with clear logic and a specific goal.
The trick to overcoming a fear lies in asking oneself a series of logical questions.
First, is the fear of something that is actually dangerous? Someone afraid of
meeting in-laws for the first time is not facing the same degree of actual danger
as someone who is afraid to pick up a hitchhiker. Second, does the fear serve
one’s best interests? Again, unless the fear is preventing bodily harm, it is likely
more of a hindrance than a help. Third, does the fear generate progress toward
healthy goals? If the fear continually prevents someone from achieving their
goals, it is time to acknowledge it as an obstacle to growth.
This series of questions can be applied to any situation or aspect of life in which
an individual feels blocked or constrained by fear. An overweight accountant
may discover that losing weight is much easier once he debunks his fear that he
will hate going to the gym and be made miserable by a healthy diet. A promising
young associate may become a partner at her firm once she stops being afraid of
asking her boss for a promotion. Fear is often irrational, and a logical process for
confronting fear destroys needless worries and allows for personal growth and
change.
Key Insight 4
There are seven areas, or spheres, of personal self-improvement.
SPHERES is an acronym that represents the seven principal components of a
successful existence: Social life, Personal life, Health, Education, Relationships,
Employment, and Spiritual life. The goal in every case is to be one’s Best Self in
each sphere.
Some who seek to improve their lives already know which area they would like
to change. Others, feeling listless or lost, may not understand which area is
lacking. A thorough analysis of each sphere can often reveal surprising deficits.
By examining each of these seven life aspects, and then setting goals for
improving them, anyone can experience more joy in day-to-day life.
Key Insight 5
Thriving in groups of people is natural, while self-isolation is not.
In the social sphere, social anxiety can cause otherwise delightful
conversationalists to isolate themselves from large gatherings. Examining why a
room full of people creates tension or fear instead of joy and excitement is the
first step to overcoming any social difficulties. While some social gatherings can
be toxic, identifying what scenarios contribute to feelings of thriving is key to
overcoming any problems in the social sphere.
Key Insight 6
Becoming one’s own friend is vital to success in the personal sphere.
In the personal sphere, a rich personal life begins with becoming one’s own
champion. Constant internal harangues or self-defeating thoughts will create a
glum interior life, leading to poor or false interactions with others. To thrive,
each person must become their own friend. They must be unafraid of engaging
in honest reflection, but committed to being supportive and kind to themselves.
Key Insight 7
The Anti-Self frequently encourages unhealthy behaviors.
A healthy body is essential for a healthy life. Overeaters, alcoholics, and others
with impulse-control diseases need to be honest about what they are doing to
their bodies and why. Frequently, these behaviors result from an inability to
discourage the Anti-Self from engaging in negative behaviors. Healthy
individuals learn how to corral their impulses and behave in ways that benefit
their bodies.
Key Insight 8
A love of learning is crucial regardless of one’s age.
Much like work, the education sphere often improves when students take charge
of their own development by learning about a subject they love. Students who
have trouble performing in traditional learning environments may benefit from a
change in subject matter or an alternative teaching style. Adults should also
challenge themselves to learn over the course of their lifetimes. A mind that
actively seeks knowledge and is open to new concepts remains young and
healthy, while a closed brain begins to atrophy.
Key Insight 9
Differences in shared values create problems in the relationship sphere.
Lovers or friends experiencing difficulties in their relationships need to ask
themselves if they are relating to people who share their values, if they are
seeking secure attachments, and if they are seeking realistic partners. Essentially,
individuals must first learn self-love before they can have a healthy, loving
relationship with anyone else.
Key Insight 10
A poor fit at work should not be endured.
In the employment sphere, every worker must discover their art. This journey
often begins when people observe how their current working environment
makes them feel. Are they inspired by their job? Do they remain mostly silent in
meetings? Do they feel that they are learning anything new? On occasion, an
unsuitable role can reflect a poor match between co-workers or management, but
in most cases it is indicative that the job itself is not ideal, and a new profession
should be sought.
Key Insight 11
Remaining true to fundamental beliefs will ensure a healthy spiritual sphere.
Finally, in the spiritual sphere, the journey to identifying and embracing the Best
Self can be delayed or frustrated when individuals are not in touch with their
spiritual life. Spirituality does not need to be fulfilled through organized religion,
but can instead be expressed as an acknowledgement of the power of a healthy
soul or spirit. Personal values are formed in the spiritual sphere. Integrity,
kindness to others, and the ability to remain focused during a crisis originate in
the spirit. To maintain a healthy spirit, no person should betray their
fundamental beliefs.
