0024 The One Where Rachel Finds Out Ross: Science. Yeah, I think I've heard of that.

(everyone's

---------------------------------------- interest is piqued, they all look over)

Written by: Chris Brown Joey: (sigh)... It's a fertility study.

Transcribed by: Dan Silverstein (Rachel laughs.)

Monica: Oh, Joey, please tell me you're only donating your

---------------------------------------- time.

[Scene: Central Perk, the whole gang is there, Ross is showing Joey: Alright, come on you guys, it's not that big a deal.

pictures of his new baby boy, Ben, to the group.] Really... I mean, I just go down there every other day and...

Ross: And here's little Ben nodding off... make my contribution to the project. Hey, hey, but at the end

Monica: Awww, look at Aunt Monica's little boy! of two weeks, I get seven hundred dollars.

Phoebe: Oh, look, he's got Ross's haircut! Ross: Hey.

Rachel: Oh, let me see! (grabs picture) Oh, God, is he just the Phoebe: Wow, ooh, you're gonna be making money hand over

sweetest thing? You must just want to kiss him all over! fist!

(Ross is practically drooling over Rachel at this point.) Opening Credits

Ross: (quietly) That would be nice. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Phoebe are

(Chandler, annoyed with Ross's fawning, makes a 'pfft' noise.) preparing for a barbecue for Rachel's birthday.]

Rachel: Pardon? Monica: OK, we got the cole slaw, we got the buns...

Chandler: Nothing, just a little extra air in my mouth. Pffft. Phoebe: We've got the ground-up flesh of formerly cute cows

Pffffffft. (walks over to where Joey is seated) and turkeys, ew... (hands meat to Monica)

(Joey is looking at his check.) (Chandler and Joey enter with charcoal.)

Joey: Hey, Chan, can you help me out here? I promise I'll pay Chandler: (in a deep voice) Men are here.

you back. Joey: We make fire. Cook meat.

Chandler: Oh, yeah, right, OK... inlcuding the waffles last Chandler: Then put out fire by peeing, no get invited back.

week, you now owe me... 17 jillion dollars. Monica and Phoebe: Ewww!

Joey: I will, really. I'll pay you back this time. Monica: Oh Joey, Melanie called, said she's gonna be late.

Chandler: (sigh)... And where's this money coming from? Joey: Oh, OK.

(gives money to Joey) Phoebe: So how are things going with you two? Is she

Joey: Well... I'm helping out down at the N.Y.U. Med School becoming your (provocatively) special someone?

with some... research. Joey: I don't know, she's, uh.... she's pretty great.

Ross: (overhearing) What kind of research? Monica: Yeah? What does she think of your little science

Joey: Oh, just, y'know.... science. project?

Joey: What, you think I'm gonna tell a girl I like that I'm also Phoebe: Hi, Ben. I'm your father. I am... the head.

seeing a cup? Aaaaaahhhh.... (puts picture down, sees Ross staring at her)

Monica: Man's got a point. Alright, this barbecue is gonna be very fun.

Joey: Well, the tough thing is, she really wants to have sex Ross: Hey, is Rachel here? Um, I wanted to wish her a happy

with me. birthday before I left.

Chandler: Crazy bitch. Monica: Oh no, she's out having drinks with Carl.

Joey: Yeah, well, I still got a week left to go in the program, Ross: Oh. (pause) Hey, who's Carl?

and according to the rules, if I want to get the money I'm not Monica: You know, that guy she met at the coffeehouse.

allowed to conduct any... ersonal experiments, if you know Ross: No.

what I mean. Phoebe: Oh, well, see, there's this guy she met at the...

Monica: Joey... we always know what you mean. Ross: At the coffeehouse, right.

[Time lapse. Chandler and Joey are making the fire, Monica Phoebe: So you do know who he is! (laughs, Ross stares at her)

and Phoebe are inside. Ross enters, carrying luggage.] Sorry.

Phoebe: Hey. Ross: OK, I'm gonna go say goodbye to the guys.

Monica: Hey. Phoebe: Oh, hey, y'know what? Tell them that bone story.

Ross: Hey. (Phoebe sees his bags) (Ross goes outisde on the balcony.)

Phoebe: How long did you think this barbecue was gonna last? Ross: Hi.

Ross: I'm going to China. Joey: Hey!

Phoebe: Jeez, you say one thing, and... Chandler: Hey!

Monica: You're going to China? Ross: (sigh)....I have to go to China.

Ross: Yeah, i-it's for the museum. Someone found a bone, we Joey: The country?

want the bone, but they don't want us to have the bone, so Ross: No no, this big pile of dishes in my mom's breakfront.

I'm going over there to try to persuade them to give us the Do you guys know who Carl is?

bo—it's—it's a whole big bone thing. Anyway, I'm gonna be Chandler: Uh, let's see... Alvin... Simon... Theodore.... no.

gone for like, uh... like a week, so, uh, if you wanna reach me, Ross: Well, Rachel's having drinks with him tonight.

y-you can't. So here's my itinerary (hands a sheet of paper to Joey: Oh no! How can she do that when she's never shown any

Monica). Um... here's a picture of me... (hands it to Monica) interest in you?!?

Phoebe: Oh, let me see! (takes the picture) Chandler: Forget about her.

Ross: (to Monica): Could you take it to Carol's every now and Joey: He's right, man. Please. Move on. Go to China. Eat

then, and show it to Ben, just so he doesn't forget me? Chinese food.

Monica: Yeah. Chandler: Course there, they just call it food.

(Phoebe puts the picture of Ross up to her face.)

Ross: Yeah... I guess. I don't—I don't know. Alright, just... (Long pause... Joey looks confused.)

just give her this for me, OK? (gives Chandler a gift for Joey: Not following you.

Rachel) Monica: Think about it.

Joey: Listen, buddy, we're just looking out for you. (They both walk over to where Rachel is opening her gifts.

Ross: I know. Rachel sees her first gift is a fruit basket.)

Joey: We want you to be happy. And I may only have a couple Rachel: OK, I'm guessing this is from...

beers in me, but... I love you, man. (Joey gives Ross a hug) (Melanie smiles.)

Chandler: I'm still on my first. I just think you're nice. Rachel: Well, thank you, Melanie.

[Time lapse. Melanie, Joey's girlfriend, is there with Joey, Chandler: (pointing out a gift) OK, this one right here is from

Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel. Ross is gone.] me.

Melanie: Anyway, that's when me and my friends started this Rachel: (picks it up) OK... ah, it's light... (shakes it)...it

whole fruit basket business. We call ourselves 'The Three rattles... it's... (opens it) Travel Scrabble! Oooohhh, thank

Basketeers.' you! (she gives it back to him)

Joey: Like the three musketeers, only with fruit. (Chandler looks dejected. Rachel picks up another gift.)

Chandler: (sarcastic) Ooooh. (looks dumbfounded at Joey's Rachel: This one's from Joey... feels like a book. Thinks it's a

stupidity) book... feels like a book. And...(opens it)...it's a book!

Monica: (gets up) OK, how does everybody like their burgers? Phoebe: Oh, it's Dr. Seuss!

Rachel: Oh, no, no, no. Presents first. Food later. (walks into Joey: (to Rachel): That book got me through some tough

living room) times.

(Everyone follows Rachel to the living room. Monica pulls Joey Melanie: There is a little child inside this man!

aside.) Chandler: Yes, the doctors say if they remove it, he'll die.

Monica: Hey, hold on there, tiger. How's it going? How you (Rachel picks up the next gift.)

holding up? Rachel: Who's this from?

Joey: Well, not so good. She definitely thinks tonight is the Chandler: Oh, that's Ross's.

night we're gonna... complete the transaction, if you know Rachel: Oh... (opens it)... (sees it is a pin) Oh my God. He

what I... remembered.

(Monica rolls her eyes.) Phoebe: Remembered what?

Joey: Then you do. Heh, heh. Rachel: It was like months ago. We were walking by this

Monica: So, uh, have you ever thought about being there for antique store, and I saw this pin in the window, and I told him

her? it was just like one my grandmother had when I was a little

Joey: What do you mean? girl. Oh! I can't believe he remembered!

Monica: Y'know, just be there for her.

Chandler: Well, sure, but can you play it on a plane? (pats his happened, so I just... (to Joey): W-well, what else did he say?

Travel Scrabble game) I mean, does he, like, want to go out with me?

Phoebe: Oh, it's so pretty. This must have cost him a fortune. Joey: Well, given that he's desperately in love with you, he

Monica: I can't believe he did this. probably wouldn't mind getting a cup of coffee or something.

Chandler: Come on, Ross? Remember back in college, when he Rachel: Ross? All this time? Well, I've got to talk to him.

fell in love with Carol and bought her that ridiculously (gets up to leave)

expensive crystal duck? Chandler: (quickly) H-He's in China!

(Everyone looks at him. He realizes he just spilled the beans Joey: The country.

about Ross's crush on Rachel. You can hear this entire classic Monica: No, no, wait. (checks Ross's itinerary) His flight

scene by clicking here.) doesn't leave for another forty-five more minutes.

Rachel: What did you just say? Chandler: What about the time difference?

Chandler: (panicked) ahem... um... Crystal duck. Monica: From here to the airport?

Rachel: No, no, no.... the, um, the... 'love' part? Chandler: Yes! (Rachel walks towards door) You're never

Chandler: (stuttering incoherently) F-hah.... flennin.... gonna make it!

Rachel: Oh.... my God. Monica: Rachel, what're you gonna say to him?

Chandler: (rubbing his temples) Oh, no-no-no-no-no.... Rachel: I-I-I don't know.

Joey: (pats Chandler on the leg) That's good, just keep Chandler: Well then maybe you shouldn't go.

rubbing your head. That'll turn back time. Joey: He's right, cause if you're just gonna, like, break his

Commercial Break heart, that's the kind of thing that can wait.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier.] Monica: Yeah, but if it's good news, you should tell him now.

Rachel: I mean, this is unbelievable. Rachel: I don't know. Maybe I'll know when I see him.

Phoebe: I know. This is really, really huge. Phoebe: Here, look, alright, does this help?

Chandler: No it's not. It's small. It's tiny. It's petite. It's (Phoebe gets up, holds the picture of Ross up to her face.)

wee. Rachel: Noooo... look, all I know is that I cannot wait a week

Phoebe: Nuh-uh. I don't think any of our lives are ever gonna until I see him. I mean, this is just too big. Y'know, I just,

be the same ever again. I've just gotta talk to him. I... I gotta... OK, I'll see you later.

Chandler: OK, is there a mute button on this woman? (opens door)

Monica: I think this is so great! I mean, you and Ross! D-did Chandler: Rachel, I love you! Deal with me first! (she leaves)

you have any idea? [Scene: Airport, Ross has headphones on, and is listening to a

Rachel: No! None! I mean, my first night in the city, he 'How To Speak Chinese' tape. Occasionally, he makes an

mentioned something about asking me out, but nothing ever outburst in Chinese in accordance with the tape. He is getting

on the jetway. The flight attendant is there.]

Ross: (something in Chinese) [Scene: Joey's Bedroom, he and Melanie are in bed together.]

Flight Attendant: Alright! Melanie: Mmmmmm... Oh, Joey, Joey, Joey... I think I blacked

Ross: Ni-chou chi-ma! (walks onto jetway) out there for a minute!

(Rachel runs into the airport, trying to catch Ross, moving Joey: Heh, heh. It was nothin'.

people out of the way.) Melanie: Well, now we've gotta find something fun for you!

Rachel: Ross! Excuse me, pardon me, excuse me.... (she starts kissing his chest)

(Rachel gets up to the jetway.) Joey: (panicked) Uhhh.. y'know what? Forget about me. Let's,

Flight Attendant: Hi! uh... let's give you another turn.

Rachel: Hi. Melanie: (surprised) M-Me again?

Flight Attendant: May I see your boarding pass? Joey: Sure! Why not?

Rachel: Oh, no, no, I don't have one. I just need to talk to my Melanie: Boy, somebody's gonna get a big fruit basket

friend. tomorrow.

Flight Attendant: Oh, oooh. I'm sorry. You are not allowed on (Joey starts to kiss her.)

the jetway unless you have a boarding pass. Melanie: Oooh, I gotta tell you... you are nothing like I

Rachel: No, I know, but I—he just went on. He's right there, thought you would be.

he's got the blue jacket on, I... can I j-just... Joey: How do you mean?

Flight Attendant: No no no! Federal regulations! Melanie: I don't know, I-I guess I just had you pegged as one

Rachel: OK, alright, OK, um... then could you please, uh... just of those guys who're always 'me, me, me.' But you... you're a

give him a message for me? Please? This is very important. giver. You're like the most generous man I ever met. I mean...

Flight Attendant: Alright. What's the message? you're practically a woman.

Rachel: Uh... I don't know. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel are

[Cut to the Jetway, the flight attendant enters, walks past there. Monica is holding the wrapping paper from one of

Ross, and approaches an older man with his wife who is also Rachel's gifts.]

wearing a blue jacket.] Monica: Uh, so, uh, Rach, uh... do you wanna save this wrapping

Flight Attendant: Sir? Sir? Excuse me, sir? Uh... I have a paper, I mean, it's only a little bit torn... so are you gonna go

message for you. for it with Ross or should I just throw it out?

Man: (confused) What? Rachel: I don't know. I don't know... I thought about it all the

Flight Attendant: It's from Rachel. She said that she loved way there, and I thought about it all the way back... and, uh,

the present, and she will see you when you get back. oh, you guys, y'know, it's Ross. Y'know what I mean? I mean,

Man: (to wife): Toby... Oh, for God's sake, I don't know what it's Ross.

she's talking about! There's no Rachel! Don't give me that Monica and Phoebe: Sure.

deep freeze.
Rachel: I don't know, I mean, this is just my initial gut Joey: She's still asleep.

feeling... but I'm thinking... oh, I'm thinking it'd be really Chandler: So how'd it go?

great. Joey: Oh, it was amazing. You know how you always think

Monica: Oh my God, me too! Oh! Oh, we'd be like friends-in- you're great in bed?

law! Y'know what the best part is? The best part is that you Chandler: The fact that you'd even ask that question shows

already know everything about him! I mean, it's like starting how little you know me.

on the fifteenth date! Joey: Well, it's like, last night, I couldn't do the thing that

Phoebe: Yeah, but, y'know, it's... it would be like starting on usually makes me great. So I had to do all this other stuff.

the fifteenth date. And the response I got... man, oh man, it was like a ticker tape

Monica: Another good point. parade!

Phoebe: No, I mean, I mean, when you're at the fifteenth Chandler: Yes, I know, as it happens my room is very very

date, y'know, you're already in a very relationshippy place. close to the parade route.

Y'know, it's... you're committed. Joey: It was amazing! And not just for her... uh-uh. For me,

Rachel: (confused) Huh? too. It's like, all of a sudden, I'm blind. But all my other

Phoebe: Well, I mean, then what happens if it doesn't work senses are heightened, y'know? It's like... I was able to

out? appreciate it on another level.

Monica: Why isn't it working out? Chandler: I didn't know you had another level.

Rachel: I don't know... sometimes it doesn't. Joey: I know! Neither did I!

Monica: Is he not cute enough for you? [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, one week later. Monica is

Rachel: No! seated, Rachel comes out of her bedroom.]

Monica: Does he not make enough money? Monica: Hey, great skirt! Birthday present?

Rachel: No, I'm just.... Rachel: Yeah.

Phoebe: Maybe there's someone else. Monica: Oh, from who?

Rachel: Wha... Rachel: From you. I exchanged the blouse you got me.

Monica: Is there? Is there someone else? Monica: Well, it's the thought. Hey, doesn't Ross's flight get

Rachel: No! There is.. there is noone else! in in a couple hours? At gate 27-B?

Monica: Then why the hell are you dumping my brother?!? Rachel: Uh, yeah. Uh, Monica, y'know, honey, I've been

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is eating breakfast, thinking about it and I've decided this—this whole Ross thing,

Joey quietly opens his bedroom door.] it's just not a good idea.

Chandler: Hey, big... Monica: Oh, why?

Joey: Shhhh!

Chandler: (quietly) ...spender.

Rachel: Because, I feel like I wouldn't just be going out with (Rachel looks bored. At this point, Ross—a figment of

him. I would be going out with all of you. Oh, and there would Rachel's imagination— shows up on the balcony and starts

just be all this pressure, and I don't wanna... talking to her.)

Monica: (gets up) No, no, no, no, no, no pressure, no pressure! Ross: I can't believe you'd rather go out with him than me.

Rachel: Monica, nothing has even happened yet, and you're Rachel: Would you excuse me, please? I'm trying to have a

already so... date here.

Monica: I am not 'so'! OK, I was a teensy bit weird at first, Ross: Fine, just stop thinking about me.

but... I'll be good. I promise. (She tries, and Ross disappears momentarily. He reappears,

(Door buzzer goes off. Rachel answers it.) standing closer to her.)

Rachel: Who is it? Ross: Can't do it, can you?

Intercom: It's me, Carl. Rachel: So I'm thinking about you. So what?

Rachel: C'mon up. Ross: I don't get it. What do you see in this guy, anyway?

Monica: Behind my brother's back? (Rachel glares at her) ... is Rachel: Well... he happens to be a very nice... guy....

exactly the kind of crazy thing you won't be hearing from me. Carl: I mean, come on, buddy, get a real car!

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is seated, and the Ross: Rachel, come on. Give us a chance.

apartment is filled with baskets of fruit. Joey enters, check Rachel: Ross, it's too hard.

in hand.] Ross: No, no, no... why, because it might get weird for

Joey: Seven hundred bucks! everyone else? Who cares about them. This is about us. Look,

Chandler: Alright, you did it! Do we have any fruit? I-I've been in love with you since, like, the ninth grade.

Joey: Man, hell of a two weeks, huh? Y'know what, though? I Rachel: Ross, you're like my best friend.

really feel like I learned something. Ross: I know.

Chandler: Really? So, you're gonna stick with this 'it's all for Rachel: If we broke up, and I lost you...

her' thing? Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What makes you think we're gonna

Joey: What, are you crazy? When a blind man gets his sight break up?

back, does he walk around like this? (Joey closes his eyes and Rachel: Well, have you been involved with someone where you

walks around with arms spread.) haven't broken up?

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's Balcony, Rachel is having drinks Ross: (pause) No. But... it only has to happen once. Look, you

with her date, Carl.] and I both know we are perfect for each other, right? I

Carl: I'm just sayin', if I see one more picture of Ed Begley, mean... so, the only question is... are you attracted to me?

Jr. in that stupid electric car, I'm gonna shoot myself! I Rachel: I don't know... I mean, I've never looked at you that

mean, don't get me wrong... I'm not against environmental way before.

issues per se.... it's just that guy! Ross: Well, start looking.
(They kiss. Ross walks away, and then fades out.) Ross and Julie: Can't wait.

Rachel: Wow. Ross: Come on, they're gonna love you.

Carl: Exactly! And you just know I'm gonna be the guy caught [Cut to a close-up of Rachel, eagerly awaiting Ross's arrival...

behind this hammerhead in traffic! not knowing he is getting off the plane with another woman.]

Rachel: Right! You're right! End

Carl: Heh... y'know?

Rachel: You know what? ----------------------------------------

Carl: What?

Rachel: I forgot... I am supposed to pick up a friend at the

airport. I am so sorry! I'm so... if you want to stay, and finish

your drinks, please do.... (gives him her drink) I mean—I'm

sorry. I-I-I gotta go. I'm sorry.

(Rachel leaves.)

Carl: But...

[Scene: Airport. Madonna's Take A Bow plays in the

background as Rachel waits at the gate with flowers.]

Rachel: (sifting through crowd) Excuse me, pardon me, excuse

me, excuse me, sorry. Hi.

[Cut to the jetway, the old man who the flight attendant

delivered Rachel's message to gets off the plane, his wife

still upset with him.]

Man: For God's sake, will you let it go? There's no Rachel!

(A Chinese woman getting off the plane drops one of her

bags. Ross gets off next.)

Ross: Oh, hey, hey, I got that.

(Ross picks up the bag... then he and the woman kiss.)

Julie: Oh, thanks, sweetie.

Ross: No problem. I cannot wait for you to meet my friends.

Julie: Really?

Ross: Yeah.

Julie: You don't think they'll judge and ridicule me?

Ross: No, no, they will. I just... uh...