Vulnerability text

This is me. Who am I? what do I want? What do I stand for. This is hard. I am so lucky. I have a good
life. I tried so hard. I can make up for what I don’t know by working hard. I’m street-smart not book
smart. She did this for me, so I have to reciprocate. I should have said this.. Am I an artist? What if I
studied in school? Why didn’t I date? What’s wrong with me? I am a party girl. I am pretty. I am rich.
Was I too goal oriented? Where does this fear stem from? Why was I mean to my little brother? Why
did I bully Carol Smyre? I am so sorry Carol, please forgive me. Thank You, I’m Sorry, Please Forgive Me, I
Love You. I am enough. I did do a good job. Why must I keep a scoreboard? Can’t I simply receive
without worrying about repayment. I have the best friends in the world. Will I ever be able to give to my
friends in the way they give to me? What do they see in me? I can do this. My thoughts are not who I
am. I love you Courtney- all of you- past present and future versions of you. Can I support myself on my
own? When will the belief systems fade? How much breathing & yoga will it take to make me believe in
myself. When I say certain affirmations, I feel like a fraud. I am a fraud. I never could have achieved this
on my own. That is okay because you are a great co-pilot! Pilots need co-pilots. I want to succeed. You
have succeeded?! “People would kill for what you have.” Thank you for saying that to me. Patience, I
am learning patience. It has taken a long time to learn it. I got divorced. The ultimate failure. Freedom.
Was it a failure? To live as I desire. Faith. Hope. Trusting the process is easier said than done. Why? I
did everything I possibly knew how to do, so I can look my kids in the eye and have no shame. I have
shame. I have guilt. “Guilt is a worthless emotion.” You are a human being not a human doing. I’m lazy. I
am inconsistent. My spelling in insanely bad. Having ADD has it merits. I get a lot done. I am an
operations expert. Why do I need to work, if you make enough money for three families? Raising three
kids is work. I hate the wrinkles around my mouth. Am I an artist because my mom told me I am an
artist? What if I’m not an artist. Why don’t we get along? Why is she so jealous of me? Look at my
clothes, I have amazing clothes. Why does appearance matter to me so much? I love beautiful things.
Perfect, perfect, perfect, it must be perfect. Success is in the details. I don’t need sleep. I will prove
myself. I love to help people. I love to nurture people. I am who I am. “Be who you are and say what you
feel, because those that matter don’t mind and those that mind don’t matter.” -Dr. Seuss- If only it were
that simple. Why do I care what people think? I should have said this...Self esteem would be nice.
Why do I take forever to finish things? Why don’t I finish things? I am so blessed. I have a good figure. I
am able to do a lot of physical activity. Look at my big diamond ring. Look at my Rolex. I live in one of
the best neighborhoods in Denver. Did this really matter to me? I am so shallow. Not good enough, not
good enough. Have to change it, have to update. Be current, be relevant. Go go go, don’t slow down.
Rest? I’ll sleep when I’m dead. Don’t spend your money on that. d. I hope my kids forgive me for all my
mistakes and control .i.e. “Don’t spend Control, Control, Control. I shop at Garbarini. I’m fancy. Why
can’t I make it as an artist? I don’t take risks. Fear. You have to ask for what you want. I hate conflict! I’ll
adapt to avoid conflict. I’ll adapt to make a relationship work, even if it doesn’t serve me. Why do I do
that? Why don’t I listen to myself? I am way to in my head. I am a great cook. I’m sick of cooking. I’m
unappreciated. Thank God for spell check. You teach people how to treat you. Purple used to be my
favorite color when I was a little girl. They show their love with money. I show my love with gifts and
acts. I can learn to rest. I must learn to rest. Maybe I will buy a hammock, that certainly can be a symbol
that I can sit and rest. I am good with gratitude. I have so much gratitude. I am a manifesting super star.
Why can’t I manifest with my art? I do with my art? I have the best friends ever! Do you know how
many trips I have been brought on? I like to travel. I used to like to travel. LET GO! Fun. I used to be
fun. Worry, worry? What do you have to worry about rich little white girl? “you are such a hard
worker.” I am such a hard worker. That is what I do, I work hard. I‘m street smart not book smart. I
cheated in school. I vandalized new construction in my neighborhood. I shoplifted. I had an abortion. I
volunteer. I give money to charity. I give art to charity. I sacrificed for my family. I wanted to sacrifice. I
wanted to be a wife and mother more than anything in the world. I want recognition. I like water. I like
the taste, sound & feel of water. I like healthy food. I like meeting people. I like to connect people. I
am a connector. I like to work. I used to be fun. So serious. I’m learning to be in my body more. So
much to learn. Its so simple yet so complicated. I am a human being not a human doing. I used to drink
a lot. I do yoga & breath work. Healing modalities make me feel better, stronger. I walk hand in hand
with my shadow side. It has been liberating. I love to walk. Long walks, long walks in big cities. The
smell of white lilies. The smell of pressed cotton. Architecture junkie. Art fanatic. I like to look at art. I
do not like safe art. I like art that makes me think. Art that invites me in to do so work. I did something
really brave when I was 42. Why do I get so scared to deal with things? I multi task. I make a lot of
mistakes. I am accident prone. I like getting older. It bothers me when people don’t like me – still. I am
adventurous. I am athletic. I have climbed fourteeners. When I was a little girl I lived in Pakistan. My
grandfather was Jewish. I thought it was cool he was Jewish. We used to light the menorah together. I
am in a book club. I did not start reading until I was thirty-five years old. I was a girl scout and still have
my sash. I like to earn things. I think I have to earn fun. I think I have to earn free time. My current
goal is to learn to rest. I am not good at resting. My oldest son used to say “ I like to expend the least
amount of effort for the most impact.” Maybe I’ll make that a mantra. What do I stand for? Honesty,
follow through & kindness. I love the book the Four Agreements. I love self help books. I like to get
better. I am a work in progress. I like to figure things out. I like to help people. Why don’t I have a big
libido? What is wrong with me? I learned that I can heal my femine. I learned that when I heal myself, I
heal seven generations forward and seven generations backwards. Energy, energy is something new
that I want to learn about. I was born on the Fourth of July. No one was around for my birthday. I
spent time with both sets of grandparents. I had 4 grandparents and no one got divorced. My parents
are still married. My kids get tattoos, lots of them. I got a tattoo when I was 50. I was single on my 50th
birthday. I like getting older. I don’t dye my hair. I have used botox and fillers. I am trying to decide
whether to continue. Thank God for spell check. I like to ski. I am a good swimmer. The beach is my
paradise. I live in Colorado and have lived here for 20 years. My former husband hates me. I wish I did
need his money. That’s old programming – its my money too I earned it. Will I ever be able to support
myself. What is most important to me. I wish my children would take better care of themselves. I ate
like crap when I was a teen. I have olive skin. I thought I was going to fail second grade. When I was in
first grade, I went to speech therapy. My dad mumbles. My parents are still married. I grew up in
Charlotte, North Carolina. I have learned a lot. My growth the last few years has been astounding. I am
getting better at sharing. I am very lucky. I like to fix things. I can’t make it all better. Trust the process.
I love you, please forgive me, thank you, I’m sorry. I learned about plant medicine in 2018. I was on
anti-depressants for ten years. I like to stay up late. I like junk food. One of my dreams is to make
public art. I wish I was more consistent. I am very loyal. I bite my nails sometimes. I started working
when I was ten. I like to work. I like money. I learned to ask for help. I am so grateful for all the help
that has been given to me. I like to make people feel special. I am not a good verbal communicator. I
am very visual. I have made an intention to pay attention to signs. I prefer quiet to music. I like live
music. The smell of white lilies puts me at peace. I am a Cancer and love astrology. The unknown or
nonphysical intrigues me. I am not afraid to die. My brother has schizophrenia. I don’t know what I
have. I had survivor’s guilt for a long time. I try to do too much. I am scared to confront people. I am
practicing having a backbone. I have always thought twins were special. I had identical twin boys.
Sometimes wonder if I can be an artist and be in a relationship. I struggle with balance. I have a lot of
self-doubt. When I look good, I feel good. I get nervous sometimes. I like to share my knowledge. Over
the years I have been given brilliant advice. I am wise. I am a good mother. I am not a typical mother. I
like to eat dinner really late. My management of time is interesting. I started to journal a few years ago.
What does one do with the journals? Where will I be in 5 years. I don’t really care. Is that bad? I used
to ask that question a lot. Approval- the need for approval. I have a need for approval. Hmmmm. Why
so. I have two dogs. Passion – Do I have a passion? I am now in my 5th art studio. I keep upgrading in
that realm. “Take the leap and the net will appear” really is a worthwhile quote. I love quotes that
touch my soul. I want to dance more. Special things have happened to me. I had a very special
grandmother who used to make things. Her name was Eva and she taught me the Lord’s Prayer. I did
not grow up going to church. I was baptized when I was 23 years old. I have some favorite artists.
Louise Nevelson, Nikki de St. Phalle, Louise Bourgeois & Alice Neel come to mind. I speak fluent Spanish.
I lived in Argentina & Chile. I don’t have male friends. What does that mean? I like to find meaning in
things. In numbers, dreams etc… I like to attach meaning. Metaphors intrigue me. I like authentic
people. I do not like frauds. I like making new friends. I like spending time with old friends. One great
thing about being an artist is you can bring paintings as hostess and housewarming gifts. I am learning I
have no control. I am less judgmental. Giving up perfectionism has given me a new freedom. Honoring
my ideas as valid feels good. Am I a leader? I love nice things. New places are fun to explore. Old
places provide me nostalgia and comfort. Why is my memory shit? Slow down there is no rush. “Haste
makes waste” is what my Grandma Mary used to say. I loved her style. She dressed up to get on the
airplane. She was current and like jewelry. She taught me about garage sales. I walked the Camino de
Santiago with my 81-year-old father last fall. I thought we would talk more on the trail. Expectations. I
did not learn what 420 meant until I was at least forty.

I am really hard on people. Perhaps I need to lower my expectations. I am gullible. I am easily

influenced. I can be impulsive. I’m not so good with money, except for spending it. I write thank you
notes. I have won a few awards with my art. I feel my art is staring to come first- finally. I am learning
self-worth. I do mirror work. I maybe was a little too lenient with my kids. I like to help people. I am
grateful when someone does something for me and like to show my gratitude. I like Vail and Aspen. I
was an activities mom. I do not think I was a good listener when my kids were younger. I pushed my
kids. I sent the twins to treatment. They don’t hate me – the forgave me. I have learned so much from
my kids. I don not get very excited about things. In the moment I am fine. Where am I going? I don’t
care, making it through another day makes me happy. I could not make it financially as an artist. I now
have an assist career. I worked for an artist as a studio assistant. I learned so much. I have had many
jobs. It took me a long time to cord the cord with my family and start having my own ideas. I love my
family. I have 17 cousins. I am close to one. I have a brilliant tribe. I have many different circles of
friends. I am resilient. I am creative. I am resourceful. I wonder where this art will take me? I would
like to use it for the greater good. I currently am using it to share my life experiences. Art chose me. I
don’t want to be alone. I question my mothering abilities. I question a lot. I am not that enthusiastic. I
like to get things done. I take pride in being efficient. I want to learn to take a day and lay on the couch.
I am getting better. I would like to have more communication with the non-physical world. I like
massages and to be touched. I have a hemi-disc [ ½ an extra vertebra in my lumbar spine]. My recent

Self-work has revolved around truth and radical acceptance. I am getting stronger and more confident
as a woman. I am scared I am going to lose my new job. I am scared for our environment. I am guilty of
not being the most responsible citizen. I hate to car pool. I like my car and the freedom it affords me. I
do a lot of healing work yet. I want to be better. I am enough. You are enough. Love. Such a pretty
word. I have breakthroughs. I have an astrologist. I’m a night owl. Smart people impress me. I am not
easily impressed. Kindness and generosity are big turn-ons. I like a good French bakery. I am a
Francophile. The Pompidou is one of my favorite museums. Do I ask good questions? I have evolved. I
am a survivor. I am a warrior. Power. Empowered powerful. Ease and grace. How do I want to feel?
What do I know is true? Truth. Love. Simplicity. Celebration. I honor those I love. “A silent love.” That
is what my dad says about his father. Does that honor not talking. We don’t talk about important
things. I was codependent. I walk on eggshells. I don’t walk on eggshells anymore. I know my worth. I
have value. I am a good role model. Am I a good role model? Discipline. Peace. I like the feeling of
peace. Vulnerability is strength. Does she like me? Did I say that correctly? What am I going to say?
What will I say when its my turn. Stop interrupting! You are in such a hurry. Slow down. Anxiety. I had
a hysterectomy. I had liposuction when I was 22 years old? I am told my great grandmother was
schizophrenic. I have a gay cousin. I love gay guys. Why do I wait until the last minute? I run late. I am
getting better at being on time. Balance. The ideal is a balanced life. I am a workaholic. I am so slow.
Why does it take me so long to do things? You are who you are, it is okay Courtney. I love you
Courtney. You are slow but you get so much done. Do, do, do. Go, go, go. Rest. I need to rest. I would
like to learn to rest. You’ve got this. Focus. Hyper focus. What are you going to give up? Can you have
it all? I want. I want. I want. As is. Belief Alignment. Inner voice. Intuition. Listen. Choice. Mother.
Daughter. Lover. Friend. Neighbor. Female. Artist. Labels. I like certain words. I have always wanted
to do a piece of art that involves words. I like the artist Tony Cragg. I like Andy Warhol too. I was a
party girl. I did drugs. I drank too much. Relax. Fun. I like to be tan. I want the best for my kids. I was
in a sorority. I then was embarrassed by that? I play to the crowd. I am a phony. I am scared to have
an opinion. I don not want to rock the boat. I was not allowed a voice as a child. I was a victim of a
sexual boundary violation. The person blamed me. I told my truth. I had information used against me. I
have been bullied. I have been harassed. I have hurt people. I am self-centered. Am I a narcissist?
When will I ever learn? You have all the tools you need in your toolbox. Open your tool box! You have
what you need. You are a child of God. I have good energy. I put people at ease. I have class. I had
pretty friends. I do too much. I care what others think. Why can’t I stop thinking? I judge people. I
judge myself. I want to help. I don’t want homeless people. I wish elderly people and homeless people
could live together. I am guilty. I am part of the problem. I take small steps to make a difference.

I don’t read directions. I make careless mistakes. I am mechanical. I am good at building things. I rush. I
am careless. I am lazy. It is my fault. I am responsible for that. I had it all. I lost it all. I am so stupid. I
am a looser. Why don’t I know how to do that? I am embarrassed. Shame. Guilt.
I don’t always wear my seatbelt. I used to drink and drive. I’ve told lies. I have not forgiven. I want a
nicer car. I’m materialistic. I’m not good enough. Why does he believe in me? He can’t be truthful. I
don’t work well under pressure. I make mountains out of mole hills. I don’t like to let people down. I
now have a new scar on my face because I was rushing. Too much! I do too much. I’m accident prone. I
text and drive. It takes me a long time to relax. When I called hard work was anxiety. I’m learning a lot
about myself. I want to be the best I can be. Labels, I wear a lot of labels. My soul doesn’t have a label.
I’m neither female, daughter, sister, mother. I’m here positive energy. I’m late. My firstborn son was
born in Argentina. I’ve never been so in love in my life. I was happy. I can be happy. I find joy in the little
things. I love the clouds. I put make up on in the car. It’s getting easier. People tell me their secrets.
People trust me. People love me. Sometimes I don’t bring my own bags to the grocery store. I’m
forgetful. I’m vain. I like name brands. I’ve put myself in the better than box. I eat at McDonald’s.

I adapt to who I’m dating. I don’t like golf. I work on weekends. I’m an overachiever. Why don’t I read
more? I like bubbly water. I cry at commercials. Homeless people make my heart hurt. I think my
children are entitled. Am I entitled? I’m a know it all. I’ve been given some amazing wisdom throughout
my life. “We are arrogant to think we have any control at all.” I make the same mistakes over and over.
I’ve learned from my mistakes. I make careless mistakes. I was a hyper active child. I get butt rash and it
embarrasses me. I’m nervous. Sometimes I can work a crowd. I like to learn things about people. Am I a
good listener? Why do people open up to me so much? I’m told I’m a healer. I’m scared to do past life
regression. I’m curious. There is more so much more. When is this going to be over? Move on. Let’s go.
What next. I get distracted. I daydream. I like to do five things at once. What’s that about? I like variety.
I think I’m organized. I like things clean. I take care of my things. I place importance on taking good care
of people. A nice home is important to me. I am safe. I am loved. I am worthy. I can achieve great things
- evidentially. What is wrong with who I am? Everything - Nothing. I’ve been to a lot of places. My dad
can’t sit still. It’s humbling to see my bad characteristics in my children. It’s inspiring to see my good
traits in my children. I used to attach my value to my children. My children have broken my heart. I put it
back together. I am strong. I am weak. I’m so lucky. I find it hard to say no. I have sold a lot of art. Being
an artist can be trying. I talk about myself too much. I forget to ask questions.
I forget what I’m looking for. I don’t necessarily like social media - I do it for work. Am I untrue? I make
peace with my failures. I’m evolving. I’m working really hard on detachment. I eat meat. I used to try too
hard. I like saying “I used to.” I’m a work in progress. I am a hot mess. I used to smoke cigarettes. My
smile is phenomenal. Is it a tool? I feel uncomfortable not smiling. I never though twice about a smile
until a recent book. Which book? There are so many. They run together. All I need is one tidbit from
each one. I am light, I am love

I accept myself