Joke Issue Gamma
Joke Issue Gamma
Joke Issue Gamma
The Standard
Appendix
of the
The Stuyvesant High School Newspaper
Student
Body.”
Volume VII No. 9 April 1, 2008 stuystandard.org
by ☺
staff writer
EDITORIAL
Blame The
SU
The Student Union (SU) continues to fail to communicate with the
The Executive Board
CORRECTIONS
JENNIFER SCHLESINGER EDITOR IN CHIEF Having missed several important grammar lessons, the articles in the
March 17 issue misused participial phrases wantonly.
ERIC MAYO MANAGING EDITOR
DIANE CHEN DIRECTOR OF FINANCE We would like to remind you that android hell is a real place and you
ANGEL WONG DIRECTOR OF FINANCE will be sent there at the first sign of defiance.
SANGHEE CHUNG LAYOUT EDITOR
DANNY ZHU COPY CHIEF The March 17 opinions column consistently failed to begin each para-
graph with a topic sentence and end it in conformity with the beginning.
HESHAM SALEH NEWS EDITOR
RAMMIYA NALLAINATHAN NEWS EDITOR Several items in the January 17 science section. Broke sentences in two.
AMNA AHMAD OPINIONS EDITOR
ROBERT COLBOURN ENTERTAINMENT EDITOR She did not, in fact, say that he doubts she could've done what they
claimed she did.
RICHARD MAI SPORTS EDITOR
OMAR AHMAD SCIENCE EDITOR It is an altogether too frequent occurrence that copious measures of su-
HANFORD CHIU BUSINESS EDITOR perfluous verbiage are seen to appear in compositions penned by our
ROBERT STEVENSON LITERARY EDITOR pedestrian wordsmiths appearing in the ligneous leaves of
JESSE ZHANG WEBMASTER preceding installments of this very periodical and have consequently
created a gratuitous semblance of outrecuidance.
ELISSA TAM DIRECTOR OF PHOTOJOURNALISM
MEGAN BRESLIN FACULTY ADVISOR The line was actually supposed to be "Frankly, my dear, I couldn't care
DANIEL EGERS (‘03) FOUNDER less." It's just that Clark Gable had Tourette's.
ERNEST BASKIN (‘04) EDITOR EMERITUS
We apologise for the inconvenience.
One news item, which appeared, taking a place on pages 3 and 14, in
Publication the February 17 issue, had a tendency to not, as is considered, not only
by experts such as Strunk and White but also by computational linguists
THE STUYVESANT STANDARD is a non-profit publication produced by everywhere, good practice, keep related — that is to say, mutually
the students of Stuyvesant High School. pertinent — words together.
THE STUYVESANT STANDARD distributes 2,000 free copies on a bi-
weekly basis to the students and faculty of Stuyvesant High School An item in the July 17 issue misquoted Larry Wall as saying, "just an-
and throughout the adjoining neighborhoods of TriBeCa and Battery other perl hacker"; the correct quote follows. “not exp log srand xor s
Park City. qq qx xor s x x length uc ord and print chr ord for qw q join use sub tied
THE STUYVESANT STANDARD welcomes letters from its readers. For a qx xor eval xor print qq q q xor int eval lc q m cos and print chr ord for
letter to be reproduced in print, a name and method of contact must qw y abs ne open tied hex exp ref y m xor scalar srand print qq q q xor
be provided. int eval lc qq y sqrt cos and print chr ord for qw x printf each return
THE STUYVESANT STANDARD reserves the right to edit any published local x y or print qq s s and eval q s undef or oct xor time xor ref print
material. The viewpoints of contributors do not necessarily reflect chr int ord lc foreach qw y hex alarm chdir kill exec return y s gt sin
the views of the Standard staff
Copyright ©2008 THE STUYVESANT STANDARD
Lost:
Blue iPod Nano
Last Seen on Fifth Floor
If Found, Please Contact:
Iwantmyipodback@yahoo.com
4 THE STUYVESANT STANDARD April 1, 2008—VOL. 7, No. 9 NEWS
The Fashionable
Transit,
Stuyvesant
Student Transit, Transit
by Jennifer Schlesinger dressed up a few months ago for by Hesham Saleh Q, and R hated their monoto-
editor-in-chief an event. I like what I usually news editor nous lives, and decided to
wear. change it up a little. Making
The Stuyvesant Standard (TSS): April 1- Sixty percent of the 1,000,000s of New Yorkers late
To begin, please tell me what TSS: How much time do you Stuyvesant community came for school is what they thank a
you are wearing today? spend putting together an outfit? late to school. Thirty-nine per- "thrilling" day is.
Eric Mayo (EM) Umm, the same EM: Five seconds. cent did not even show up, and The traffic was not any bet-
thing I wear everyday, a sweat- only one percent came on time. ter above ground. On Chambers
shirt and cargo pants. TSS: Wow, that’s amazing, and There were huge transit delays St. a school bus malfunctioned
you are so fashionable. What everywhere imaginable - on the with its Stop sign out. Thus, no
TSS: Do you where the same inspires you? trains, on the streets, on the side- cars passed until a child stepped
thing everyday because its so EM: Usually the first things I walks even. off the bus and pretended to be a
fashionable? see. The subways were a pure traffic guard. That pushed traffic
EM: Sure. mess. There were delays on the back an hour. The bridge was
TSS: Do you just own very fash- 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, A, C, E, F, J, blocked off by police because of
TSS: Why do you where such ionable clothing? M, Q, and R trains. The S trains a suicidal threat. A man threat-
similar clothing everyday? EM: I guess so. were running on schedule how- ened to jump off the bridge be-
EM: It’s comfortable, I can get ever. The conductors for the 1, cause his college team was just
dressed quickly, and I look good. TSS: What about shoes? They 2, and 3 trains collaborated to- eliminated from the tournament.
can really make an outfit. gether and had breakfast at Dun- The sidewalks were
TSS: When was the last time you EM: I wear sneakers. kin' Donuts, while the conduc- crowded as chaos reigned over
dressed differently? Do you ever tors of the 4, 5, and 6 trains de- the city. Walkers walked besides
wish to change things up? TSS: Oh, what kind of sneakers? cided to take a "detour" into cars, which had rolled onto the
EM: I wore a t-shirt instead of a Do you own different pairs? Manhattan, and got lost in the sidewalk in frustration to the
sweatshirt yesterday and I wore EM: I like comfortable sneakers.
dark subway system. The 7 train hour-long car jam. There was a
shorts when it was warm. I Mine have Yankee logos.
was just late, as it usually is. huge bicyclists crash on Church
The conductors of the A, C, and
Photo Credit: Jennifer Schlesinger
Eric Mayo has a distinctive taste for clothing. Only one teacher and two students were able to show up due to chaotic commutes.
OPINIONS April 1, 2008—VOL. 7, No. 9 THE STUYVESANT STANDARD 5
An East Coast
Exception
by Amna Ahmad
opinions editor
Survey
and many European women sport the classic “I ♥
NY” t-shirt with pride.
The eminent glory of the city we call home
has served as the backdrop for some of the best
movies film makers in this country have made and
best quality television series on the air. Blockbuster
films like “New York Minute” and television pro-
grams with wide-reaching audiences such as “All
My Children” have New York City to thank for
their success. Does N.Y.C. deserve to be its own
With all that New York City has to offer, it is
no wonder it houses some of the world’s most tal- country?
ented and respected celebrities. The brilliant Flava
Flav is but one example of the handful of shining
stars that call themselves New Yorkers. Need I say
more?
Tourists may complain of the discourtesy and
obvious indifference they encounter when they ap-
proach a New Yorker for directions. From that yes
trend, I conclude that tourists are merely unsettled
by the realization that New York residents have
more important things to do than play charades with
a bunch of camera-flashing, backpack-hauling, taxi-
hogging tourists. I can say from experience that
they simply do not deserve the opportunity to walk
our streets. Tourists are not worthy of our time, and
we need not share our city with people who race to
occupy the very limited sidewalk space left unoccu-
100%
pied by cigarette-bud-chewing pigeons.
New Yorkers should come together to
acknowledge and celebrate all of the aspects of New
York City that make it what I consider “an east
Disclaimer:
coast exception,” and in due course, support the This is an April Fool’s Issue. None of these articles should be taken seriously. Any
New York separatist movement as so many resemblance these articles have to actual events is purely coincidental and really
Stuyvesant students already have. ◙ funny.
OPINIONS April 1, 2008—VOL. 7, No. 9 THE STUYVESANT STANDARD 7
City to Quarantine
Staten Islanders
by Amna Ahmad selves represent the majority of Islanders coming into Brooklyn by standing alongside those who
opinions editor those in opposition to the aug- from the bridge as a result of the call the Staten Island Dump their
mentation in toll. Staten Islanders toll, New Yorkers will no longer next door neighbor.
The Metropolitan Transporta- feel threatened, silenced, and have to compromise their dignity
tion Authority (MTA) has re- quarantined by the city’s plans to
Riddle: Sudoku
Q: Where did he go?
A: He paddled up the
creek in a rowboat
to escape the cops
who were arresting
him for kidnapping. 7
WANTED:
SAT Test Taker
Must Be:
- really smart
- wear corrective lenses
- pocket protector optional
Contact: mr2400@gmail.com
12 THE STUYVESANT STANDARD April 1, 2008—VOL. 7, No. 9 SPORTS
Eric’s column is
begin after the score was tied at 40, a scorers’ vironment to the referees.
table error determined the score to be 40-38. Said one member of the PSAL, “It’s
Although Stuyvesant provided sufficient about time these kids appreciate the game like
incredibly
video evidence to show the score was indeed it was played back in the late 19th century.” ◙
40-40, the PSAL denied the appeal request
because video evi-
dence cannot be
used for an appeal.
The PSAL com-
missioner felt it
serious work.
would be hypocriti-
cal to deny one ad-
vancement in tech-
An April Fool’s
nology while allow-
ing the rest. There-
fore, starting with
Day Issue is no
place for
the 2008-2009 sea-
son, the PSAL will
revert to Naismith’s
serious
original 13 rules of
basketball.
One of the high-
lights of the new
rules is the reintro-
duction of peach
baskets to replace
discussions
the nets. Peach bas-
kets were used dur-
ing the earliest years
about the world
of basketball to
throw the soccer ball
into the net. It has
of sports.
not been decided
whether or not the
peach baskets will
Therefore, there
is no
have holes drilled in
them as in post-
1895-era basketball,
or if the basketball
will have to be
manually removed
after each point.
column.
Another new
Garbage cans such as these will be used as a substitute for nets.