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“The

The Standard
Appendix
of the
The Stuyvesant High School Newspaper 
Student
Body.”
Volume VII       No. 9  April 1, 2008  stuystandard.org
     

by ☺

staff writer

Opinions Article on page 5 Article on page 3. News


Plagiarism: Honestly Not That Bad  Our Beloved President 
Why plagiarism is the driving force of today’s society. President Bush has been an admirable leader of our country.
2 THE STUYVESANT STANDARD April 1, 2008—VOL. 7, No. 9 NEWS

EDITORIAL
Blame The
SU
The Student Union (SU) continues to fail to communicate with the
The Executive Board
CORRECTIONS
JENNIFER SCHLESINGER EDITOR IN CHIEF Having missed several important grammar lessons, the articles in the
March 17 issue misused participial phrases wantonly.
ERIC MAYO MANAGING EDITOR
DIANE CHEN DIRECTOR OF FINANCE We would like to remind you that android hell is a real place and you
ANGEL WONG DIRECTOR OF FINANCE will be sent there at the first sign of defiance.
SANGHEE CHUNG LAYOUT EDITOR
DANNY ZHU COPY CHIEF The March 17 opinions column consistently failed to begin each para-
graph with a topic sentence and end it in conformity with the beginning.
HESHAM SALEH NEWS EDITOR
RAMMIYA NALLAINATHAN NEWS EDITOR Several items in the January 17 science section. Broke sentences in two.
AMNA AHMAD OPINIONS EDITOR
ROBERT COLBOURN ENTERTAINMENT EDITOR She did not, in fact, say that he doubts she could've done what they
claimed she did.
RICHARD MAI SPORTS EDITOR
OMAR AHMAD SCIENCE EDITOR It is an altogether too frequent occurrence that copious measures of su-
HANFORD CHIU BUSINESS EDITOR perfluous verbiage are seen to appear in compositions penned by our
ROBERT STEVENSON LITERARY EDITOR pedestrian wordsmiths appearing in the ligneous leaves of
JESSE ZHANG WEBMASTER preceding installments of this very periodical and have consequently
created a gratuitous semblance of outrecuidance.
ELISSA TAM DIRECTOR OF PHOTOJOURNALISM
MEGAN BRESLIN FACULTY ADVISOR The line was actually supposed to be "Frankly, my dear, I couldn't care
DANIEL EGERS (‘03) FOUNDER less." It's just that Clark Gable had Tourette's.
ERNEST BASKIN (‘04) EDITOR EMERITUS
We apologise for the inconvenience.

One news item, which appeared, taking a place on pages 3 and 14, in
Publication the February 17 issue, had a tendency to not, as is considered, not only
by experts such as Strunk and White but also by computational linguists
THE STUYVESANT STANDARD is a non-profit publication produced by everywhere, good practice, keep related — that is to say, mutually
the students of Stuyvesant High School. pertinent — words together.
THE STUYVESANT STANDARD distributes 2,000 free copies on a bi-
weekly basis to the students and faculty of Stuyvesant High School An item in the July 17 issue misquoted Larry Wall as saying, "just an-
and throughout the adjoining neighborhoods of TriBeCa and Battery other perl hacker"; the correct quote follows. “not exp log srand xor s
Park City. qq qx xor s x x length uc ord and print chr ord for qw q join use sub tied
THE STUYVESANT STANDARD welcomes letters from its readers. For a qx xor eval xor print qq q q xor int eval lc q m cos and print chr ord for
letter to be reproduced in print, a name and method of contact must qw y abs ne open tied hex exp ref y m xor scalar srand print qq q q xor
be provided. int eval lc qq y sqrt cos and print chr ord for qw x printf each return
THE STUYVESANT STANDARD reserves the right to edit any published local x y or print qq s s and eval q s undef or oct xor time xor ref print
material. The viewpoints of contributors do not necessarily reflect chr int ord lc foreach qw y hex alarm chdir kill exec return y s gt sin
the views of the Standard staff
Copyright ©2008 THE STUYVESANT STANDARD

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NEWS April 1, 2008—VOL. 7, No. 9 THE STUYVESANT STANDARD 3

THE STANDARD NEWS


Our Beloved President
by Hesham Saleh it?
news editor Without a doubt, President
Bush has learned from his father
Believe it or not, George and former President the responsi-
Walker Bush has been voted as bilities of a President. On countless
“Top 5 Greatest U.S. Presidents.” occasions, Bush has reminded us
Although he is often criticized of this. “My job is a decision-
because of his political career, he making job,” he said in October
is greatly misunderstood. In real- 2007, “and as a result, I make a lot
ity, he is highly educated, has high of decisions.”
moral standards, and is a superb Everyone sees the tough side
public speaker. of President Bush, but there is also
President Bush graduated from a sweet and emotional side to him.
Harvard Business School with Bush contemplates the future of
flying colors. (On second thought, his country, and cries. Yes, cries.
not flying. Just colors.) He spent “I’ve got God's shoulder to cry
four years there, which definitely on,” Bush said. “And I cry a lot. I
prepared him for his future politi- do a lot of crying in this job.”
cal career. Awww.
Bush has a keen grasp of his- Of course, Bush has a humor-
tory, especially when it comes to ous side. Someone called British
the lives of important figures. In Prime Minister Tony Blair “Bush’s
September 2007, Bush com- poodle.” What was President
mented, “I heard somebody say, Bush’s response? “He’s [Blair is]
‘Where’s [Nelson] Mandela?’ bigger than that.”
Well, Mandela’s dead. Because Bush has always been sensi-
Saddam killed all the Mandelas.” ble. In fact, he has been so sensible
Actually, Saddam didn’t kill Man- as to disregard the media’s feelings
dela. In fact, he’s still alive. Hon- toward him. “I've been in politics
est mistake, understandable. long enough to know that polls just
Not only is Bush a history go poof at times.” With less than
expert, he is also keen in mathe- 30 percent of the country pleased
matics. On Independence Day with him, I would hope that the
2007, President Bush said, “More polls would “just go poof.”
than two decades later, it is hard to Perhaps President Bush put it
imagine the Revolutionary War best when he said, “They misun-
coming out any other way.” There George W. Bush: our beloved forty-third president. derestimated me.” Indeed, we
are two logical explanations for have. And for that, we sincerely
this. Either he was talking about not no violence.” His dangling said, “Is our children learning?” apologize. In return, I would like
another recent Revolutionary War, modifiers even make sense. “And With a President like that, how to propose to the United States of
or by “decade” he meant 115.5 so, what Gen. Petraeus is saying, could they not? America to abolish the amendment
years. some early signs, still dangerous, Bush is a very honest man, that prevents presidents from being
English was Bush’s favorite but give…my chance a plan to who always keeps his word. In in office for more than 2 terms.
subject in school. He was so good work.” Flawless. fact, he does not like it when peo- Let’s make George Bush our
at it that he even made up his own Bush’s success in school has ple put words in his mouth. “I don't leader for life. If not for his limit-
words. Just a handful — been his motivation to improve the particularly like it when people put less knowledge and power, then
“misunderestimated” and learning of our children. Bush words in my mouth, unless I say for his entertainment. ◙
“decider.” Further, he is well- voiced his desire for better schools it.” That’s quite respectable. Who
rehearsed in grammar. His double and a higher level of education. likes it when people put words in
negatives cancel out: “Success is “Rarely is the question asked,” he their mouth, unless they have said

Lost:
Blue iPod Nano
Last Seen on Fifth Floor
If Found, Please Contact:
Iwantmyipodback@yahoo.com
4 THE STUYVESANT STANDARD April 1, 2008—VOL. 7, No. 9 NEWS

The Fashionable
Transit,
Stuyvesant
Student Transit, Transit
by Jennifer Schlesinger dressed up a few months ago for by Hesham Saleh Q, and R hated their monoto-
editor-in-chief an event. I like what I usually news editor nous lives, and decided to
wear. change it up a little. Making
The Stuyvesant Standard (TSS): April 1- Sixty percent of the 1,000,000s of New Yorkers late
To begin, please tell me what TSS: How much time do you Stuyvesant community came for school is what they thank a
you are wearing today? spend putting together an outfit? late to school. Thirty-nine per- "thrilling" day is.
Eric Mayo (EM) Umm, the same EM: Five seconds. cent did not even show up, and The traffic was not any bet-
thing I wear everyday, a sweat- only one percent came on time. ter above ground. On Chambers
shirt and cargo pants. TSS: Wow, that’s amazing, and There were huge transit delays St. a school bus malfunctioned
you are so fashionable. What everywhere imaginable - on the with its Stop sign out. Thus, no
TSS: Do you where the same inspires you? trains, on the streets, on the side- cars passed until a child stepped
thing everyday because its so EM: Usually the first things I walks even. off the bus and pretended to be a
fashionable? see. The subways were a pure traffic guard. That pushed traffic
EM: Sure. mess. There were delays on the back an hour. The bridge was
TSS: Do you just own very fash- 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, A, C, E, F, J, blocked off by police because of
TSS: Why do you where such ionable clothing? M, Q, and R trains. The S trains a suicidal threat. A man threat-
similar clothing everyday? EM: I guess so. were running on schedule how- ened to jump off the bridge be-
EM: It’s comfortable, I can get ever. The conductors for the 1, cause his college team was just
dressed quickly, and I look good. TSS: What about shoes? They 2, and 3 trains collaborated to- eliminated from the tournament.
can really make an outfit. gether and had breakfast at Dun- The sidewalks were
TSS: When was the last time you EM: I wear sneakers. kin' Donuts, while the conduc- crowded as chaos reigned over
dressed differently? Do you ever tors of the 4, 5, and 6 trains de- the city. Walkers walked besides
wish to change things up? TSS: Oh, what kind of sneakers? cided to take a "detour" into cars, which had rolled onto the
EM: I wore a t-shirt instead of a Do you own different pairs? Manhattan, and got lost in the sidewalk in frustration to the
sweatshirt yesterday and I wore EM: I like comfortable sneakers.
dark subway system. The 7 train hour-long car jam. There was a
shorts when it was warm. I Mine have Yankee logos.
was just late, as it usually is. huge bicyclists crash on Church
The conductors of the A, C, and
Photo Credit: Jennifer Schlesinger

Street which involved over 30


TSS: So, you like
E trains refused to pull in to bikers. The leader of the pack-
the Yankees?
Chambers Street as a protest of Lance Armstrong. How ironic!
EM: Of course,
the war on Iraq. The F train was As a result, only one teacher
they are the best
delayed because MTA personnel and two students showed up on
team.
were mopping it (It was time. The rest came between
TSS: Do you use awarded the 3rd cleanest train. Fifth and Eighth Periods, or just
your clothing to Honestly) The J train was going did not make it. It's time for
tell people about too fast to stop, so it just rolled New York City to rethink its
you and your in- over all of Manhattan; went congestion policies. ◙
terests? straight from Queens to Brook-
EM: Of course, I lyn. Kind of like a direct air
am an amazing flight. The conductors of the M,
person.
Photo Credit: Jennifer Schlesinger

TSS: What advice


do you have for
our readers so
they can be fash-
ionable like you?
EM: I don’t want
to give away my
secrets.

TSS: No, seri-


ously?
EM: Dress simi-
larly everyday,
like being com-
fortable, and of
course, be your-
self.

Eric Mayo has a distinctive taste for clothing. Only one teacher and two students were able to show up due to chaotic commutes.
OPINIONS April 1, 2008—VOL. 7, No. 9 THE STUYVESANT STANDARD 5

THE STANDARD OPINIONS


Plagiarism: Honestly Not That
Bad
by Marina Tawfik

Photo Credit: Elisssa Tam


staff writer

There are several messages


that students in today’s society
will tell you they have heard a
million times. The so-called
“important information” that stu-
dents are constantly fed by teach-
ers and parents alike can range in
topic from why they shouldn’t
study for a test exclusively the
night before, to why having a
well-balanced diet is essential.
Ironically, it seems to me that the
lecture I hear most often is the
one that makes the least sense:
teachers are constantly warning
students not to plagiarize.
English and history teachers
threaten to award a zero to any
essay that they find has been pla-
giarized. Math and science teach-
ers ensure that if they find that a
student has copied another’s
work, both students involved will
be severely penalized. Every
time I hear these habitual threats,
I cannot help but ask myself why Plagiarism, though many view as a bad thing, may actually has its advantages.
teachers approach plagiarism in
such a way. Stuyvesant student currently work, and would therefore be dents could copy essays or home-
Plagiarism is the driving does. Students would no longer able to perform better during work from online sources with
force of today’s society. Without feel inclined to take a day off class time. accurate information, teachers
plagiarism, students would be from school just to finish an ex- Another definite advantage would have less to correct. Imag-
forced to complete all of their ceedingly long essay assigned by of allowing students to use one ine the insight that a teacher
work on their own. Trying to their English teacher. another’s work would be the could receive after reading a
force students to come up with Eliminating the penalty for amount of satisfaction that those great number of riveting thesis
their own ideas simply is not the plagiarism would also definitely students who share their work essays. Teachers wouldn’t have
way to solve any of our prob- lead to a decrease in the number would receive. Not only would to waste time making corrections
lems. The unnecessary stress of of students who cut classes. Stu- they be proud to say they had on material that they know they
producing one’s own work is dents feel the need to cut class been able to complete the assign- covered extensively in class.
undoubtedly the cause of many just to avoid being reprimanded ment, but they would also be able Plagiarism has clearly been
of the problems teenagers con- by a teacher because they did not to take pride in knowing that they mistaken as something wicked
front on a daily basis. have the time to finish the neces- had helped another classmate. and dishonest. However, when
If students were allowed to sary work. If a student could just This is a sense of satisfaction looked at from the right
copy others’ work, be it from a copy another’s homework, he which no student should be de- perspective, it is plain to see that
friend or simply an online re- would not have to worry about nied. plagiarism is honestly not that
source, they would get much the possible punishment he Excusing plagiarism would bad. ◙
more sleep than the average would receive for missing home- benefit teachers as well. If stu-

For Sale: Blue iPod Nano


Found In Student’s Gym Locker—Will
Compromise Price
If Interested, Please Contact:
iwantmoremoney@gmail.com
6 THE STUYVESANT STANDARD April 1, 2008—VOL. 7, No. 9 OPINIONS

Stuy Voice: A Waste of Space


New York City, by Robert Stevenson
literary editor

An East Coast
Exception
by Amna Ahmad
opinions editor

New York City is arguably the best place in


the world, just as Stuyvesant is the best high school
in the country. There is no reason for New York
City to remain a part of the rest of New York, or
rather the rest of the United States. The association
with the United States that the city has had to en-
dure since its establishment has been nothing but a
hindrance to its ultimate progression. A full 100
percent of two Stuyvesant students polled in a re-
cent survey agreed that New York City deserves
independence from the United States, and conse-
quential recognition as an autonomous nation.
There are attributes of New York City unique
to few other places in the world. I’m sure the Ca-
juns in the South crave our delicious, fatty street-
vendor cuisine, and it’s no secret that states like
Montana and Oregon, where very little street action
ever takes place, envy us for our rich mafia culture
and hip underground crime scene.
Designers from cities such as Paris and Milan,
who once prided themselves as representing the
fashion capitals of the world, can be seen mimick-
ing the style of dress that is purely “New Yorker.”
Parisian men are wearing skin-tight low rise jeans

Survey
and many European women sport the classic “I ♥
NY” t-shirt with pride.
The eminent glory of the city we call home
has served as the backdrop for some of the best
movies film makers in this country have made and
best quality television series on the air. Blockbuster
films like “New York Minute” and television pro-
grams with wide-reaching audiences such as “All
My Children” have New York City to thank for
their success. Does N.Y.C. deserve to be its own
With all that New York City has to offer, it is
no wonder it houses some of the world’s most tal- country?
ented and respected celebrities. The brilliant Flava
Flav is but one example of the handful of shining
stars that call themselves New Yorkers. Need I say
more?
Tourists may complain of the discourtesy and
obvious indifference they encounter when they ap-
proach a New Yorker for directions. From that yes
trend, I conclude that tourists are merely unsettled
by the realization that New York residents have
more important things to do than play charades with
a bunch of camera-flashing, backpack-hauling, taxi-
hogging tourists. I can say from experience that
they simply do not deserve the opportunity to walk
our streets. Tourists are not worthy of our time, and
we need not share our city with people who race to
occupy the very limited sidewalk space left unoccu-
100%
pied by cigarette-bud-chewing pigeons.
New Yorkers should come together to
acknowledge and celebrate all of the aspects of New
York City that make it what I consider “an east
Disclaimer:
coast exception,” and in due course, support the This is an April Fool’s Issue. None of these articles should be taken seriously. Any
New York separatist movement as so many resemblance these articles have to actual events is purely coincidental and really
Stuyvesant students already have. ◙ funny.
OPINIONS April 1, 2008—VOL. 7, No. 9 THE STUYVESANT STANDARD 7

City to Quarantine
Staten Islanders
by Amna Ahmad selves represent the majority of Islanders coming into Brooklyn by standing alongside those who
opinions editor those in opposition to the aug- from the bridge as a result of the call the Staten Island Dump their
mentation in toll. Staten Islanders toll, New Yorkers will no longer next door neighbor.
The Metropolitan Transporta- feel threatened, silenced, and have to compromise their dignity
tion Authority (MTA) has re- quarantined by the city’s plans to

Photo Credit: http://www.travelblog.org/Photos/28351.html


cently released a proposal to in- follow through with this proposal
crease the toll on the Verrazano- without their primary consulta-
Narrows Bridge connecting Staten tion. In fact, following the MTA’s
Island with Brooklyn from eight announcement of the proposal, a
dollars to $27.53. few angry Staten Island residents
There has been a considerable over eighty years of age came
amount of support for the initia- together to create the Here to Op-
tive taken by the MTA, from indi- pose Toll committee (HOT), yet,
viduals from each borough. A their efforts have been largely
senior who asked to be referred to interrupted by their own physical
as G. Bizzle had the following to disabilities and duties as senior
say upon hearing the MTA’s pro- citizens in their communities.
posal: “Dose Staten Islandas Staten Islanders in every
should pay up. We gotta show’em neighborhood can be seen trading
who’s G. Manhattan’s where it’s in their cars for row boats because
at son.” there simply is not enough room
This sentiment towards Staten for commuters on those ferries.
Islanders however, is not exclu- When asked about the reaction of
sive to Stuyvesant High School Staten Islanders to the proposal,
students with funky names and the MTA responded in an official
bad vocabulary. Mayor of New statement: “We don’t call it the
York City Michael Bloomberg Initiative to Quarantine Staten
was reported by semi-reliable Islanders for nothing.”
sources to have said the following New Yorkers in every one of
in reaction to the proposal: “I’m the other four boroughs look for-
so happy they got my email. You ward to the advantages this initia-
see, with this new toll increase tive is expected to bring. Not
even millionaires like me will only is there likely to be less traf-
have to avoid going to Staten Is- fic in the city, but the streets will
land. That means fewer visits to finally be clear of that “suburbs in
my wife’s senile great uncle up on the city” stench that Staten Island-
Todt Hill.” ers bring with them on their daily
The Staten Islanders them- commutes. With fewer Staten

A Hard Act to Follow


by Amna Ahmad months in office it all became era, being hung by his own ruth- and still foster support from a
opinions editor clear to the American people: less enemies. How’s that for considerable population of Ameri-
“vacation’s all he ever wanted.” primetime television? cans.
Throughout his two terms as That’s a sentiment that I’m sure a President Bush has also One is reminded of the legacy
president, George W. Bush has great deal of Americans can ap- served as an inspiration for the George W. Bush will leave
made a definite impact on the preciate and accept after bearing hopeless. He has proven to the behind by the wide array of signs
United States as well as the world in mind the noteworthy initiative world that even a C-average stu- across the city written in
at large. As his second term Bush was able to display in spite dent with difficulty pronouncing recognition of his actions as
comes to a close, we should take of his routine absence from the the world “nuclear,” a tendency to president such as ones reading
the time owed to our president to White House. mistake Iraqis for Iranians when “Buck Fush” or “More Trees, less
acknowledge all the fine work he Despite the deaths of thou- discussing current events, and a Bush,” to keep his name alive in
has done in the White House and sands upon thousands of loyal record for drunk driving could be playful parody. As he leaves
reflect on what about our current soldiers and innocent civilians as elected president. Better yet, he office for either an inexperienced
president, we will undoubtedly a result of the United States’ inva- serves as evidence that a dim- senator, a cry-baby former First
miss. sion and subsequent occupation of witted, male Texan cheerleader Lady, or a desperate Republican
The first lesson President Iraq and Afghanistan, George who threw billions of dollars of with a deathly complexion, we
Bush taught Americans was that Bush can honestly say that he taxpayers’ money down the tubes bid adieu to the world’s favorite
we should not feel discouraged to accomplished a task that even his for a war against an “invisible cowboy, knowing that his
blow off some steam and a take a grandfather would not have dared enemy” can be elected for a sec- presidency will surely be a hard
well-deserved vacation every imagine; he got a filthy, louse- ond time, only to make worse act to follow. ◙
once in a while. After a few infested Saddam Hussein on cam- mistakes the second time around,
8 THE STUYVESANT STANDARD April 1, 2008—VOL. 7, No. 9 BUSINESS

THE STANDARD BUSINESS


Congress Converts Country to Communism
by Hanford Chiu we have all these dollars left over, we’ll
business editor just swap these pieces of green paper for
goods, a radical change over capitalism.”
APRIL 1- The Senate has ap- Obama also disbanded the military.
proved a bill passed by the House on The Chairman continued, “The Russians
Tuesday declaring that the American and the Chinese were quick to send expe-
government is hereby to be run as a ditionary forces to help us secure our
totalitarian communistic government territory in the oil fields in Alaska and
in a vote that was mostly along party the drilling platforms in the Gulf. Why,
lines, abolishing our 232-year tradi- they even offered to pump it for us and
tional capitalistic democracy. The build free pipelines extending to Russia
Democrats, whose Party has subse- and China. With allies like these, why
quently been renamed the Commu- should we bother to upkeep a military
nist Party, completely followed the any more?”
Party leadership in passing the UN- Obama also quickly nationalized
PATRIOT bill, while the now- many private industries. Most industrial-
outlawed Republican Party lacked ized farming has been consolidated into
the numbers to prevent the downfall the Ministry of Agriculture, Wall Street
of America. is now the Ministry of Finance, and CNN
Senator Barack Obama (C-IL) has merely changed its name to the Min-
was one of the major contributors to istry of Truth. The Chairman dictates,
the bill along with Senator Hillary “Now all good citizens shall receive only
Clinton (C-NY), and was ecstatic government-sanctioned goods and ser-
that his legislation finally pulled vices, ensuring that all citizens will re-
through after years of trying to sub- ceive their daily rations of food and noth-
vert democracy. ing less, also consequently nothing
“I had been planning this for more.”
years, ever since I stepped foot on However, according to the Ministry
of Truth, there is still a small section of
the land of opportunity,” said
the country that resists the Chairman’s
Obama, who is also the acting
benevolent rule, namely the Midwest, the
Chairman until the November, South, the Mountains, the Northwest, the
2008 elections. “Now we can fi- Southwest, and the Great Plains areas.
nally begin to massively redistrib- This is nothing to be concerned about, as
ute wealth the way the Democrats Vice-Chairman and Minister of Internal
intended.” Security Hillary Clinton will personally
Among his first actions as capture and reeducate all outlaws in
Chairman was to abolish the use of cooperation with the Ministry of Love. ◙
money. The Chairman declared in
his first state television broadcast,
“Now we have ration stamps, which
are used to swap for life’s essentials
at your local government-mart. Since Congress, consisting of the Senate and the House of Representatives, attempts to convert the
U.S to communism.

Economy More Boring As Interest Rate Decreases


by Hanford Chiu Chairman of the Federal Reserve. experience.” quite an attraction,” added Ber-
business editor “It’s a cycle, and our economy Meanwhile, though foreign nanke.
just can’t handle being so investors are totally disinterested in While this period of inactivity
MARCH 18- Planet Earth is attractive and exciting all the American stock exchanges, foreign is giving the American economy
becoming more apathetic towards time.” stock exchanges are thriving from the respite it needs after years of
the American economy as the The Fed’s interest rate is the American inactivity. China’s stock strong economic growth and
Federal Reserve cut the interest rate benchmark on which banks rely to exchange, for example, has been development as well as popular
by another .75 percent on Tuesday decide how eye-catching their seeing record high attendance re- interest, some critics contend that
night, bringing it closer to loans should be. Within minutes cords at the trading floors. lowering the interest rate too much
becoming a total yawn-fest. The of the Fed’s announcements, most “Oh sure, China has really high would make the American market
latest move comes in response to of the major banks followed suit interest rates going on since their too tedious to bear.
Wall Street’s complaints that the by making their credit more dull economy is so hot and lively,” said “Yes, I hear the concerns that
New York Stock Exchange was and lackluster. Bernanke. “What with their new we might make the American
becoming “a little too crowded” “We totally responded to the 24/7 opening hours, huge and cheap exchanges so uninteresting that
and wanted to scare away potential Fed’s cut by switching out all our labor force and their growing mar- investors would fall asleep within
speculators by making the trading color pamphlets with ugly, ket, it’s no wonder that speculators a 500-yard radius,” said Bernanke.
floor about a percent more dreary. outdated monochrome are flocking there in droves to see “But rest assured, the American
“Our showcase businesses are p a mp h l e t s , ” s a i d J o n a t h a n the fascinating Shanghai Stock Ex- economy is highly flexible and we
just becoming tired of being the Sweeny, Citibank Branch change.” can always raise the interest rates
world’s spotlight for Manager. “And we put those little back again by unleashing a bull
“Their hourly acrobatic shows
investments,” said Ben Bernanke, tubs of free lollipops away from into the market with a couple of
our counters to worsen customer right on the exchange floor are also those rodeo clowns.” ◙
ENTERTAINMENT April 1, 2008—VOL. 7, No. 9 THE STUYVESANT STANDARD 9

THE STANDARD ENTERTAINMENT


Without a Doubt, the Greatest
Movie of All Time
by Robert Colbourn to try to help her husband receive backgrounds, and the directors movie ever made. ◙
entertainment editor aid from the Greeks. In order to clearly understood that.
accomplish this, she clearly has to Now, even better than the
have sex with the proud and loyal special effects was the humor. I

Photo Source: http://


It is a fair thing to say that
good movies come about every Traitoro and end up killing him mean, it is one thing to make an
week, but great movies only ap- — truly an improvement over the audience laugh, but to make them
pear every so often. Then, there original plot. speechless, that’s something in-
are the greatest movies, which are The first amazing and truly geniously done by the directors.
timeless classics that should be revolutionary thing that this There was dead silence after
seen by everyone. However, none movie did was the special effects. every joke, probably because the
of those even hold a candle to the Yes, they were able to improve on audience was in awe of how
masterpiece that was released on “300”’s dreadful use of CGI, and funny one idea could be. Another
January 25, 2008. Yes, it is safe to in an ingenious way. If you’re nice touch with the humor was its
say that “Meet the Spartans” is by going to use a blue screen to gen- side effect: lower IQ. The direc-
far the greatest movie ever made erate thousands of soldiers, why tors understand the concept of
by anything — man, inanimate hide it from the audience? If idiocy being the key to happiness.
object, or brain-dead monkey. they’re coming to see the special Walking into this movie, I
In this spoof of the major box effects, then just lay it out all in thought to myself, “You know
office flop “300,” Leonidas (Sean front of them and plop that screen what, maybe if I were stupid, I
Maguire) is forced to lead his in front of the background. Yes, would be happy.” Well, coming
“army” of 15 men (and 285 digi- forgo the background; no one out of the film, I could only think
tally-spliced-in Spartans) against wants to see a majestic mountain in illogical and incomprehensible
the Persian army of 35 men (epic, pass with a beautiful body of wa- thoughts, so I knew that the film Without a doubt, Meet the Spartans is one
of the greatest movies of all time.
isn’t it?). During the battle at the ter beside it. People want to see accomplished its purpose. Yes,
hot gates, Queen Margo is forced poorly-pixilated people in loin- the special effects and the comedy
cloths superimposed on blue alone make this the greatest

Riddle: Sudoku
Q: Where did he go?
A: He paddled up the
creek in a rowboat
to escape the cops
who were arresting
him for kidnapping. 7

Want more riddles?


Visit us at
stuystandard.org!
10 THE STUYVESANT STANDARD April 1, 2008—VOL. 7, No. 9 COLLEGE

THE STANDARD COLLEGE


The Perfect College Essay
by Eric Mayo my parents are. I do not know started the Save the Tigers club. third leg. During the surgery, the
managing editor where I was born. My story is We’ve raised over $50,000 to doctors accidentally gave me a
one which you have probably not help protect Peruvian tigers from rare infectious disease. I was
Juniors . . . welcome to your heard before. But by examining logging and hunting. forced to live my first months in
nightmare. With today being my past, I can show you my fu- While hunting one day, I lost America in a bubble as to not
April 1, that means that most ture. my mother and father tiger. I was create an epidemic. That’s why
seniors now know where they are I was told by the orphanage three, all alone in this great world last week I decided to climb
going to college. Since you were that I was born in the jungles of we call Earth. I started walking. Mount Everest in order to raise
seven, you’ve been preparing for Peru. My parents abandoned me For days and days, I walked with money to fight that deadly dis-
this moment. The SATs, ACTs, when I was two days old because no food or water. Luckily, I was ease.
GPAs, and various other TLAs of the third leg that grew out of picked up by a nice American After the bubble incident, my
will take up every moment of my head. In their ancient Incan couple, who was scared of my family threw me out on the street
your existence. culture, I was cursed. As was third leg and dropped me off at because of the scar that devel-
The most important aspect of custom with babies with three an orphanage in Peru. Every day oped where the third leg used to
the admissions process, as you legs, my birth parents threw me for five years I was hoping I be. I spent the next three years on
will hear several thousand times off a 100-foot cliff as a sacrifice would get adopted. That’s why the streets of New York City,
over the course of the next to the Incan god of potatoes, after my sophomore year I spent teaching myself how to read us-
twelve months, is your college Axomamma. my summer running an orphan- ing newspapers. Every Saturday I
essay. This is where you tell your I have no idea how I sur- age in the remote Peruvian jun- volunteer at a soup kitchen just to
college admissions officer all vived, but I did. For the next gle. give back to all the great people
about yourself. Here is an exam- three years, I was raised by ti- When I was eleven, I was who helped me.
ple of the perfect college essay. gers. They nursed me back to adopted by another nice Ameri- I feel truly blessed to have
I do not know when my health and taught me how to can family and immediately gotten this far. College can get
birthday is. I do not know who hunt. It’s why as a freshman I taken for surgery to remove my me the rest of the way. ◙

The Best Reasons


to Attend a College
by Jennifer Schlesinger engineering major. I have heard
editor-in-chief they make a lot of money. My
college advisor says you need bio-
Prompt: Please tell us why chemical engineering majors, so I
you want to attend XYZ College. will have a better chance of getting
Include your choice of major and in. Also, my parents want me to do
how attending XYZ will help you something in science. I would
achieve your personal and educa- rather study English, but I am sure
tional goals. Be sure to be specific. I will be good at biochemical engi-
neering.
Ever since I was little, I have In the future I want to have
dreamed of attending XYZ Col- a big house and lots of money.
lege. It is filled with smarts kids Actually, I am not supposed to say
and I hope their smartness will rub that, but I am sure you understand.
off on me. I mean I really like helping others
I visited campus and have and stuff, and I am sure if I have a
heard the parties are really great. lot of money I will donate some to
XYZ had great food and the nicest very important issues. If I make a
dorms I have seen. XYZ has many lot of money, I will be sure to give
Acapella groups, so I am sure one some back to XYZ.
group will want me even though I Please XYZ College, accept
am tone deaf. You are located me. My college counselor says
near some schools my friends will you may be the only school to
be attending, so I want to stay accept me. My friends will laugh if
close to them, but you are very far I do not go to college. If you do
from my parents, so I will become not accept me, I will be a failure,
a responsible adult. You are lo- and I will cry myself to sleep for
cated in an amazing city and I can the rest of my life. Do you want to
not wait to shop in its boutiques. be one to ruin my dream? I didn’t
My friends will be so jealous. I think so. ◙
know XYX is the perfect school Please note: This article is attended
for me. for humor and does not reflect the
I plan on being a biochemical views of the author or The
Stuyvesant Standard.
COLLEGE April 1, 2008—VOL. 7, No. 9 THE STUYVESANT STANDARD 11

2390: Her Worst Nightmare


by Omar Ahmad

Photo Credit: SangHee Chung


science editor

An anonymous junior, who


would like to be known as Jane
Doe, has received a dreadfully-
low SAT score of 2390/2400.
She has been recently skulking
about the halls of Stuyvesant
high school, adorning a black
cape, which completely envel-
ops her face. Though in other
schools this score is most likely
ideal, there have been instances
in which Doe was pelted with
candy boxes, and even thrown
down the 7-9 escalator.
She had received several
bruises, but when the nurse had
acquired her story through the
grapevine, she refused to accept
her, and advised that she hide
out in the elevator shafts.
So hide in the elevator
shafts she did. Even so, after
about a week, the janitors had
discovered her lack of an eleva-
tor pass, thereby expelling her
from her abode. Now hiding in
the shadows of student/teacher
The review book failed Doe.
confrontations, she makes her
name known with a burning
insignia of 2390 on the Stuyve- in the past. I deserve to be due to their current disownment again.” So Doe, an omniscient
sant floor tiles. Doe seeks to treated correctly, as I am out of Doe. silhouette of torment and rea-
right every wrong bestowed there to prove that some day, in Though they did mention soning exams, is left in the cold
upon the students of Stuyvesant, this dark world, there will be to say that, while escorting us to world of college admissions and
acting as a vigilante/savior of hope for failures like me.” the door, “Doe may need to find homelessness, though persisting
the proletariat student. In our It has now become an offi- a house and finances of her own, in her struggle to give rise the
brief interview, having a dis- cial Stuyvesant High School rule due to the fact that she could deserving, hard-working Stuy-
tance of about twenty feet from that she wear a band around her receive no job nowadays with vesant student. ◙
the tape recorder, she stated, “I right arm, with a blue “2390” such a horrendous score. We
am no animal, even though I imprinted on it. Her parents refuse to endure such embarrass-
have committed wrong-doings have refused to be questioned, ment if she were to take it

WANTED:
SAT Test Taker
Must Be:
- really smart
- wear corrective lenses
- pocket protector optional
Contact: mr2400@gmail.com
12 THE STUYVESANT STANDARD April 1, 2008—VOL. 7, No. 9 SPORTS

PSAL to Adopt Early 20th


Century Basketball Rules
by Eric Mayo twist to the rules is the distance between out-
managing editor of-bounds and the backboard. The PSAL has
decided to put the peach basket back on the
wall. This is to allow players to climb up the
The Public School Athletic League wall in order to score, as it was before 1921.
(PSAL) announced today a new set of rules The new rules will favor athletic guards such
designed to play basketball the way Dr. as Forest Hills High School’s Peter Parker,
James Naismith wanted the game to be who has shown great ability to climb up walls.
played in the early 20th century. Of course, the biggest change in the new
The decision comes from the first round rules is the elimination of coaching. This rule,
boys’ playoff game between Stuyvesant High due partly to coaching only being allowed in
School and Food and Finance High School. 1949 as well as to budget cuts, is designed to
Before the overtime period was supposed to speed up play and provide a less stressful en-

Eric’s column is
begin after the score was tied at 40, a scorers’ vironment to the referees.
table error determined the score to be 40-38. Said one member of the PSAL, “It’s
Although Stuyvesant provided sufficient about time these kids appreciate the game like

incredibly
video evidence to show the score was indeed it was played back in the late 19th century.” ◙
40-40, the PSAL denied the appeal request
because video evi-
dence cannot be
used for an appeal.
The PSAL com-
missioner felt it
serious work.
would be hypocriti-
cal to deny one ad-
vancement in tech-
An April Fool’s
nology while allow-
ing the rest. There-
fore, starting with
Day Issue is no
place for
the 2008-2009 sea-
son, the PSAL will
revert to Naismith’s

serious
original 13 rules of
basketball.
One of the high-
lights of the new
rules is the reintro-
duction of peach
baskets to replace
discussions
the nets. Peach bas-
kets were used dur-
ing the earliest years
about the world
of basketball to
throw the soccer ball
into the net. It has
of sports.
not been decided
whether or not the
peach baskets will
Therefore, there
is no
have holes drilled in
them as in post-
1895-era basketball,
or if the basketball
will have to be
manually removed
after each point.
column.
Another new
Garbage cans such as these will be used as a substitute for nets.

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