Writings of Benjamin Franklin You Never Read in Schoolwy kor ay wero, eda a vt Fg Boke Roth Abe Bak bid Ente Pn, PO. Bo 27 Mare Ha Gg 0108 sn Fog Books Fg Books! peo ated onl at Boks POBox Devley, Cano LL aver dogs by Pats Notion Find the Unie States Ase ‘ut uss by he Sst rhe Sy Nabe Asad Se fe ncaa expan skin alae dev a0 ‘Rha an ocr vie aking ass Sie, xa ad mad rckscom. Fi 5 AB oe ep! tanec ban Data Pu grou bl by Calta TG“ TN- Chants. 2. Quoi, rca uve, Ca Tle PSr4aAsht aa wowed 50780 UW MALLOY 6 Ws OO Table of Contents Introduction — 7 ‘A Leter to a Royal Academy — 13 ‘The Speech of Miss Polly Baker — 18 “Alice Addertongue — 22 (On Choosing a Mistress — 27 ‘The Antediluvians Were All Very Sober — 29 ‘The Oath — 30 Fim Resolve — 30 Poor Richard On His Deafness — 31 Poor Richard On Fate — 31 Who's the Ass? — 32 ‘The Complaint — $3 Time To Lear — 33, How to Make a Striking Sundial — 34 Poor Richard — 36 ‘A Whimsical Cook — 42 ‘The Stonecutter — 43, ‘The Boo Bee — 44 A Cenain Constable — 45 ‘Transporting Ratte-snakes — 46 Rules on Making Oneself Disagreeable — 49 Anthony Afterwit — 51 A Later to His Sister, Jane — 55 Father Abraham — 58 ‘The Let Hand — 68 ‘The Mother Country — 70 ‘The Frenchman and the Poker — 71 ‘Three Fables — 73 ———————————‘A Cartoon — 74 AA Letter to his Son, Wiliam — 75 Rules by Which A Great Bmpire May Be Reduced — 77 ‘An Edict of the King of Prussia ~ 87 ‘Humbling Rebellious American Vassals — 93 "To A Friend in London — 96 ‘The King's Own Regulars — 97 Pesiion of the Leuer Z— 101 ‘The Grand Leap of the Whale — 103, ‘The Court of the Popular Press —~ 108 ‘The Encouragement of Idleness — 113 ‘The Dream — 118 Introduction Eesyone txor Bejan Frnln was one of he seat statesmen, scientists, and plilosopher of his time ‘A succes printer and publisher in Philadelphia, he retited from active busines in his fortes and spent the rest file serving his community and nation. He founded the Postal sjstem in this county, served as colonial agent to Great Britain for two decades, led the protest against taxation, helped draft the Declaration of Independence, served as ambassador to France during the Revolition,orga- nized America's fist inteligence network, and felped write the Gonstuton that stil governs this nation. As hard a it isto believe today, however, he was even ‘more famous in his time for his discoveries in the field of clecticiy-~advances that made it possible for Edson, Tes, and others to make the se of electricity praccal one hun dred years later, Iewas his immense populariy axa cients and philosopher in France that enabled him to serve #0 effectively as ambassador there and gain France's aid forthe ‘colonial cause, Frain was also an inveterate sinker, and — ma 7— is responsible for dozens of practical inventions fom bifocal Ienses 10 the Franklin stove. ‘Most ofthese facts about Franklin's life are ones we all hhad to learn in school. We may have also been exposed to some of his writings generally, his autobiography and some ‘quotes from Poor Richards Almanac which he fist published in 1733 and continued on through 1758. But there i side to Benjamin Franlin that we were not exposed to in School—for better or for worse, depending ‘upon your perspective, and quite likely, the degree of your prudery. Franklin brought into this fe a bawdy, searrous simension ofcharacter that was ll too eager to ignite the fires cof controversy and, once ignited, fan the flames until they ‘burned brightly enough to please him. It is doubt that Franklin thought of himself as either scandalous ot roguish. He would have insisted chat he just had a strong love for life and delighted in mixing chings up whenever possible. He wrote and published several outright hoaxes during his career—pieces with no basis whatever in reality—jus to see how quickly his readers would recognize the hoax. In many eases, most readers failed the test com> pletely. Healsoloved towrite satires. During his days as pub: lisher of The Powgyania Gage and Poor Rich's Alnanact, ‘most of is satire was directed at the domestic wials and wibu- lations of man and wife, and the foibles of society. As he became more involved in the colonia resistance to the rule of the crown, however, Franklin increasingly directed his satirical pen toward the pomposity ofthe English Pastiament and the ministers in charge of colonial affair. Fart Prouly isa testament to the satirical rogue that lived peaceably inside the philosopher and statesman, But itis ‘more than that as well; is a loving uibute tothe ideal of a free pres in this country. —_ ae ‘Once upon a time, two hundred years ago, people ike Benjamin Franklin could write openly about all ofthe burn- ing issues of their day, And when they wanted to express themselves pungently, because they were discussing an issue that offended ther sense of smell, they were not affid to use strong words such as “far.” ‘Today, “fieedom of the pres is only a nostalgic idea. It ‘sa freedom, of course, that is still guaranteed by the Con- stitution, Butts freedom in name only, because the ews- Papen, magazines, and broadcasting stations of our great nation have lost the courage to use this freedom, ‘They have allowed themselves to be censored, not by the government, bbutby the horrid specter of Social Conformity and Niceness, kis not nice to say “Yar” in publie-let alone actully let one iy. It might offend someone, I's also not nice to write about ideas any more, if those ideas might possibly offend someone. Whether or aot the ‘ideas contain any truth, is of no consequence; if some poor, downtrodden individual might be offended if an idea were pu in print or uttered over the airwaves, then it eannot be ‘writen or stated! ‘This past year, the government of Tran iasued a death sentence on an author who had the audacity ta write a book tildl critical of fundamentalist Islam. We all shuddered and rushed to condemn this obnoxious breach of freedam of the press, And yet the media i this country routinely refuse to let ideas that might offend our own special interest groups and minorities see the ight of day. ‘They don’t kill anyone, ‘of course—they jus fire them or blackball them, ‘The satires and songs included in this small book are not ust funny pieces writen two hundred years ago by someone of historical importance. Each s a direct indictmene of our “ree pres"—a silent statement that if Franklin had written _ a _ ootoday and trie to have it published, it would probably be censored, Not because we dislike satire, but because we dlisike controversy. We do not want to offend anyone any more, We want to be Polite, We want tobe Nice. Hell, we ‘even want Safe Sex ‘Benjamin Franklin was a man who loved controversy. If there wasn’t any, he would si it up. During the time he served as colonial agent, he was regarded by many people in England as “the most dangerous man in America” But do ‘we honor this side of Franklin? Do we revere Franklin the revolutionary—or Franklin the patriarchal hero? ‘This ie « question you can answer for yourself. Give ten of your closet friends this book as a present and ask them (0 readit, Two weeks later itshouldn' take thatlong, but some people in modem America have forgotten how to read), ask yout ten friends if they were exposed to any of these pieces in school, I will wager you that not a one of them was. It's the side of Benjamin Franklin that Modern America wants to keep hidden. ‘This book, however, is determined not 10 let this conspiracy succeed Ifwe are to preserve freedom inthis country, we cannot ford to think of Benjamin Franklin asa kindly, grandiather figure who went around saying, “A penny saved is a penny ‘eamed” We must recognize that a very important part of Franklin was his love of controversy and satire. This is what ‘made him so dangerous. ‘Above all, we cannot afford to think of Franklin as an antiseptic, prudish man, He was not. He was bawdy, roguih, and loved to play jokes on his friends. And when England grew oppressive, he was not afraid to rebel “Jost 20, when Nature called, he farted. ‘And he wasnt affaid 10 advocate that we do the same. ———— FART PROUDLYHe that is conscious of A Stink in his Breaches, is jealous of exeny Wrinkle in another's Nase Benjamin Franklin, Poor Richard's Almanac, 1751 A Letter To A Royal Academy 1781 Eaters Nie: By th time Dr, Franklin wrote this pice, he was tea wily garded as nef he remedy, hanks snail to his remarkable ducer in he eld of elactriciy. He ws i eidey readin al of he atest cee orc and aan, nt lof cubich he read with rept. Thee were a eumberof ral sca dies of cece, parla, ht specilied more inthe ial mals of cece than the practical anes. Some of thom regularly el ests whi ir mbes were sole complex therecl problems, est ‘her sills and wt, The bs introduction otis frat piace of Franklin's stir ca be fos in hse wertigs, inthe fof lero Dr Richard Price in 1783, We wil art withthe appetizer, thn procedon othe end. Dear Sir: All the conversation here at present turns upon the Bal- looms filed with light inflammable Air..Jallammable Air pus me in mind ofa lite jocular paper I wrote some years since in ridicule of prize Question given out on this side of the Water, and I enclose i for your Amusement. On second SSThoughts, as itis a mathematical Question, and perhaps T think it more tring than i reall is, and you are a Mathe- matician, Iam afraid T have judged wrong in sending it to ‘you. Our fiend De. Piesley [the physicist J.B. Priestley], however, who is apt to give himself Airs, and has a kind of Right to everything his Friends Produce upon that Subject, ‘may perhaps ike to seit, and you can send itto im without reading it To the Royal Academy of Brusselles~ Gentlemen, Ihave perused your late mathematical Prize Question, proposed in lieu of one in Natural Philosophy, for the ensuing year, vi Urafigurequlconque dnd, on demande discrep grand nombre de fs pusile wre autre fre plas ait quelongu, quiet caus domi.” {Given any single figure, inscribe therein another smaller figure, which i also given, as many dimes as possible} 1 was glad to find by there following Words— VA a ugh que ctie dure, en tenant les ores de nas ‘omoisanes, ne serait pas son wild” (The academy has judged that chs discovery, by widening the boundaries of our knowl- ‘edge, will not be without uity}— —that you esteem Lily an essential Poin in your Enquiries, ‘which has not always been the case with all Academies; and I conclude therefore that you have given this Question instead of a philotophical, or as the Leamed express it, & —_—— physical one, because you could not atthe time think of a physical one tha promised greater Uy. Permit me then humbly to propose one of that sort for your consideration, and through you, if you approve it for the serous Enquiry of learsed Physicians, Chemists, et. of ‘his enlightened Age. tis universally wel known, That in digesting our com mon Food, thee is erated of produced in the Bowes of ‘human Creatures, a great Quantity of Wind. “That the pemitsing this Air to eacape and mix with the Aumosphere, i ually offensive tothe Company, from the fet Smell dat accompanies i. “That all well-bred People therefore, wo avid giving such Offence, foreibly restrain the Eiforts of Nature to discharge that Wind. ‘That so retained contrary to Nature, it not only gives frequently great present Pain, but occasions fature Diseases, such as habitual Cholics, Ruptures, Tympanies, &, often destractve of the Constitution, & sometimes of Lie isl Were it not for the ious offensive Smell accompaay= ing such Escapes, polite People would probably be under no more Restraint in discharging such Wind in Company, than {hey are in siting, oF in Blowing their Noses My Prize Question therefore should be, Te dir sme Drag ilsome nd nt disarecabl, to be mised tho cmon Fodor Sauces, hat shall rend Oe Nasal Discharges, of Weed rom eur Bods, ek only nafs, but areal a Pees. “That this isnot a ehimerical Project, and altogether inne possible, may appear from these Considerations. That we already have some Knowledge of Means capable of Varying ‘hat Smell, He that dines onsale Flesh, especially with puch Addition of Onion, shall be able to afford a Stink that no ‘Company can tolerate; while he that has ved fr some Time 5con Vegetables onl, shall Have that Breath so pure as tobe inensible tothe most delicate Noses; and ifhe can manage soso avoid the Repo, he may any where give Vento his (Grie6, unnosced. But as there are many to whom an ene Vegetable Diet would be inconvenient, and.as litle Quick- of fetid Air arising ffom the vast Mass of putrid Matter con- tained in such Places, and render it rather pleasing to the ‘Smell, who knows but that a litle Powder of Lime (or some ‘other thing equivalent) taken in our Food, or pehaps a Glass ‘of Limewater drank at Dinner, may have the same Eifect on the Air produced in and isuing from our Bowels? This is worth the Experiment, ‘Certain itis also that we have the Power of changing by slight Means the Smell of another Discharge, that of our ‘Water. A few Stems of Asparagus eaten, shal give our Urine a disagreeable Odour, and a Pill of Turpentine no bigger than a Pea, shall bestow on it the pleasing Smell of Violets. ‘And why should tbe thought more impossible in Nature, 0 find Means of making a Perfume of our Wind than of our Wate? For the Encouragement of this Enquiry (from the immor- tal Honour to be reasonably expected by the Inventor), let, itbe reasonably considered of how small Importance of Man- kind, or to how small a Part of Mankind have been useful those Discoveries in Science that have heretofore made Philosophers famous, Are there twenty Men in Europe at this Day, the bappier, o even the easier, forany Knowledge they have picked out of Aristotle? What Comfort can the Vortces| ‘of Descartes give ta Man who has Whirlwinds in his Bowel! ‘The Knowledge of Newton's Mutual traction ofthe Particles ‘of Matter, can it afford Ease to him who is racked by theit ‘mutual Répulion, andthe cruel Distensionsit occasions? The Pleasure arising to a few Philosophers, from seeing, a few ‘Times in their Life, the Threads of Light untwisted, and separated by the Newonian Prism into seven Colours, can ibe compared with the Ease and Comfort every Man living might feel seven times a Day, by discharging freely the Wind from his Bowels? Especially iit be convereed into a Perfume: For the Pleasures of one Sense being ite inferior to those of another, instead of pleasing the Sighs he might delight the Shull of those about him, & make Numbers happy, which to ‘a benevolent Mind must afford infinite Satisfaction. ‘The {generous Soul, who now endeavours to find out whether the Friends he entertains ike best Claret or Burgundy, Cham- ppagne or Madeira, would then enquire also whether they chose Musk or Lilly, Rose or Bergamot, and provide accordingly. And surely such a Liberty of Ex prassng one's Seeti-ments, and plasing one anita, is of infinitely more Im- portance 1o human Happiness thaa that Liberty ofthe Ps, fling net, whic he Engl are so ready fight & die for. In shor, this Invention, if ompleated, would be, as Bacon cexpressesit, rging Philp homeo Mer’: Busnss and Baions, ‘And I cannot but conclude, that in Comparison therewith, for anicosal and conta Utility, the Science ofthe Philoso- phers abovementioned, even with the Addition, Gentlemen, of your “Figure guage” and the Figuts inscribed init, are, all together, sarely worth a FARThing, I 16The Speech of Miss Polly Baker 1747 ‘A Hoax That Was Widely Reprinted As Actual Fact ‘The Speech of Miss Polly Baker, before a Court of Judicature, at Connecticut near Boston in New-Englands Where she was prosecuted the Fifth Time, for having a Bastard Child: Which influenced the Court to dispense with her Punishment, and induced one of her Judges to marry her the next Day. ‘May it please the Honourable Bench to indulge me in 4 few Words: am a poor unhappy Woman, who have no Money to fee Lawyers to plead for me, being hard put to it to get a tolerable Living. I shall not wouble your Honours with long Speeches; for have not the Presumption o expect, that you may, by any Means, be prevailed on to deviate ia your Sentence from the Law, in my Favour. AllT humbly hope is, That your Honours would charitably move the Govemor’s Gootiness on my Behalf, chat my Fine may be remitted. Tisisthe Fifth Time, Gentlemen, that Thave been dragged before your Gourton the same Account; twice Thave paid heavy Fines, and twice have been brought to Publick ee Punishment, for want of Money to pay those Fines, This may hhave been agreeable tothe Laws, and I don’t dispute iy but since Laws are sometimes unreasonable in themselves, and therefore repealed, and others bear toa hard on the Subject in particular Circumstances; and therefore there is left a Power somewhat to dispense with the Execution of then; I take the Liberty to say, Tha I think this Law, by which Lam Punished, is both unteasonable in itself, and particularly Severe with regard to me, who have always lived an in- offensive Life inthe Neighbourhood where I was bom, and defy my Enemies (| have any) wo say [ever wronged Man, Woman, or Child Abstracted from the Law, I cannot conceive (may it please your Honours) what the Nature of my Offence is, 1 have brought Five fine Children inta the World, atthe Risque ‘of my Life; Thave maintained them well by my ovn Industry, without burthening the Township, and would have done it better, it had not been forthe heavy Changes and Fines 1 have paid, Can itbe a Crime (in the Nature of Things I mean) to add to the Number of the King’s Subjects, in a new Country that realy wants People? I own it, I should think it a Praise-worthy, rather than a punishable Action, I have debauched no other Woman's Husband, nor enticed any Youth; these ‘Things I never was charged with, nor has any one the least Cause of Complaint against me, unless perhaps, the Minister, or justice, because I have had Children without being married, by which they have missed a Wedding Fee. Bu, can ever this be a Fault of mine? appeal to your Honours. You are pleased to allow 1 don't want Sense; but I must be stupified tothe last Degree, not to prefer the Honourable State of Wedlock, to the Condition Ihave lived in. I always was, anid sil am willing to enter into it, and doubt not my behaving well ini, having all the Industry, Frugality, Feraicy, and Skill in Economy, SSE Se= appertaining toa good Wife's Character. I defy any Person to say, ever refused an Offer ofthat Sort: On the contrary, realy consented tothe only Proposal of Marriage tat ever ‘was made me, which was when Iwasa Virgin; but too easly confiding in the Person's Sincerity that made it, unhappily fost my own Honour, by tasting to his; for he got me with Child, and then forsook me: That very Person you all now; hre iv now become a Magistrate of this Country; and I had Hopes he would have appeared this Day on the Bench, and hhave endeavoured ta maderate the Courtin my Favour; then, | should have scomed to have mentioned it, but I must now complain oft a8 unjust and unequal, That my Betrayer and ‘Undoes, the first Cause of all my faults and Miscariages Gf they must be deemed such) should be advanced to Honour land Powerin the Government, that punishes my Misfortunes ‘with Stipes and Infamy. T should be told, "is like, That were there no Act of Assembly in the Case, the Precepts of Religion are violated by my Tranegressons. If mine, then, is a celigious Orfence, leave ito religious Punishments, You have already excluded ‘me from the Comforts of your Church-Communion. Is not that sufficient? You believe I have offended Heaven, and ‘must suffer etema Fire: Will not that be sufficient? What [Need is these, then, of your addtional Fines and Whipping? Town, Ido not think as you do; for, IT thought what you eal a Sin, was really such, I could not presumptuously commit it. But, how can it be believed, that Heaven is angry ‘at my having Children, when tothe ite done by me towards it, God has been pleased to add his Divine Skill and admirable Workmanship in the Formation of their Bodies, and crowned it by furnishing thera with rational and im- mortal Souls, Forgive me, Gentlemen, if Tk a lie ‘extravagantly on these Matters; am no Divine, but if you, Gentlemen, must be making Laws, do not tum natural and —= useful Actions into Crimes, by your Prohibitions. But take {nto your wise Consideration, the great and growing Number of Batchelor in the Country, maay of whom fom the mean Fear of the Expences ofa Family, have never sincerely and hhonourably courted a Woman in their Lives; and by their Manner of Living, leave unproduced (which is lie benter than Muedet) Hundreds of their Posteri to the Thousand Generation, Is not this a greater Offence against the Publick Good, than mine? Compel them, then, by Law, either to Marriage, of t0 pay double the Fine of Forication every Year. ‘What must poor young Women do, whom Custom have forbid to solicit the Men, and Who cannot force themselves upon Husbands, when the Laws take no Care to provide them any; and yee severely punish them ifthey do theie Duty Without them; the Duty ofthe fist and great Command of Natuee, and of Nature's God, Eacwase and Multiply. A Duty, fom the steady Performance of which, nothing hasbeen able to deter me; but forts Sake, Ihave hazarded the Loss ofthe Publick Esteem, and have frequently endured Publick Dis- grace and Punishment; and therefore ought, in my humble (Opinion, instead of Whipping, to have a Statue erected to my Memory. as 20ve, and live at pres- cent with my Mother. have no Care upon my Head of getting a Living, and therefore find it my Dury as wells Inclination, to exercise my Talent at CENSURE, for the Good of my ‘Country folks. There was, I am told, a certain generous Emperor, who ifa Day had passed over his Head, in which hie had conferred no Benefit on any Man, used 10 say 10 his Friends, in Latin, Diem perdi thats, itscems, Face lat a Day. believe I should make use of the same Expression, ifit were posible fora Day to pass in which I had not, or missed, an ‘Opportunity to scandalize somebody: But, Thanks be praised, no such Misfortune has befell me these dozen Years. ‘Yet whatever Good I may do, T cannot pretend that 1 first entered into the Practice ofthis Virtue from a Principle ‘of Publick Spirit; for I remember that when a Child, I had «violent Inclination to be ever talking in my own Praise, and being continually told that it was ill Manners, and once severely whipt fot the confined Stream formed itselfa new Channel, and I began to speak for the future in the Dispraise ET ‘of others. This I found more agreeable to Company, and ale ‘most as much s0 to my self: For what great Diference can there be, between puting youre up, or puting your Neigh- ‘bour down? Scandal, like other Virwes, i in par its own Reveard, as it gives us the Satisfaction of making ourselves appear beter than others or others no better than ourselves, My Mother, good woman, and I, have heretofore dif fered upon this Account. he argued that Sandal spoilt all sso0d Conversation, and inssed that without it there could bbe no such Thing. Our Disputes once rose so high, that we parted Tea-Table, and I concluded o entertain my Acquain- tance inthe Kitchin. The first Day ofthis Separation we both drank Tea atthe same Time but she with her visitors the Parlor. She would not hear ofthe least Objection to any one’s Character, but begaa a new sort of Discourse in some such queer philosophical Manner as this; J am mighty pleased saratines, sys She, When Tobie ad oie thatthe Wl ‘at 0 bad as Pape ou of amour aging itt be, Theres smashing ‘anil some good Quaiy or or in ey body. If euro o pooh Peplethaare last pected thes sac ae is cep did to her Fath, and mebhinks has a fie Se of Ted such a one is ep especie hashand: such aone iste kind tah pow neighbours, nd besides has aver handsome hae: ch a one isa reads to see Frid, end in my Opinion thre is not « Wena Tan thathas amore agreeable Ai and Gait This fine kindof Tak which, lasted near half an Hour, she concluded by saying, do nat doubt but ey one oyu have made te ike Observations, and I seald be lad hae the Concerto contd pon Bs Subject Just at that Junctare I peeped in atthe Door, and never in my Life before saw such a Set of simple vacant Countenances they looked somehow neither glad, nor sorry, nor angry, nor pleased, norindiferent nor atentve;but, excuse the Simile) Ike so many blue wooden Images of ye Dough. I in the SSE = 2Kitchin had already begun a ridiculous Story of Mr.~—'s Intrigue with his Maid, and his Wife's Behaviour upon the Discovery; at some Pastages we laughed hearly, and one of the gravest of Mama's Company, without making any An- sswer to her Discourse, got up © ge and se shat th Gir crt onary about She was followed bya Second, and shor alter by a Third, il a last the old Gendewoman found herself quite alone, and being convinced that her Project was im practicable, came her self and fnished her Tea with us; ever Since which Saud alo has eon amg the Props, and our Dis- putes lie dormant By Industry and Application, Ihave made my self the (Center ofl the Scandal in the Province, there site stirring Dut I hear of it. I began the World with this Maxim, That no Trae cen subsist withut Reto, and accordingly, whenever 1 received a good story, I endeavoured to give two or a better inthe Room oft, My Punctuality in this Way of Dealing gave such Encouragement, tha it has procured me an incredible deal of Business, which without Diligence and good Method itwould be imposible for me to go through. For besides the Stock of Defamation thus naturally flowing in upon me, 1 practice an Art by which I can pump Scandal out of People that are the least enclined that way. Shall I discover my Secret? Yes; to let it ie with me would be inhuman, IT have never heutdillofsome Person, [always impute ito detective Intelligence for thee ae nore without thir Faults, ro noton.Ishe is a Woman, I take the frst Opportunity let all her Ace ‘quaintance know I have heard that one of the handsomest ‘or best Men in Town has said something in Praise either of| her Beauty, her Wit, her Virtue or her good Management. I you know any thing of Humane Nature, you perceive that s naturally introduces a Conversation turning upon aller Failings, past, present, and to come. To the same purpose, and with dhe same Succes, I cause every Man of Reputation to be praised before his Competitors in Love, Business, or Esteem on Account of any particular Qualification, Near the ‘Times of Eden if find it necesary, Toommend every Cane didate before some of the opposite Party, listening attentively to what is said ofhim in answer (But Commendations inthis latter Case are not always necessary and should be used judi cious) of late Years I needed only observe what they sid of one another freely; and having for the Help of Memory taken Account ofall Informations and Accusations received, whoever peruses my Writings after my Death, may happen to think, that during a cerain Term, the People of Penssyl- vania chose into all their Offices of Honour and Trust, the veries Knaves, Foolsand Rascals in the whole Province, The ‘Time of Election used to be a busy Time with me, bat this ‘Year, with Concern I speak it, People are grown so good natured, so intent upon mutual Feasting and friendly Entertainment, that I see no Prospect of much Employment from that Quarter, mentioned above, that without good Method I could ‘ot go thro’ nay Business In my Father's Lifetime I had some Instruction in Accompts, which I now apply with Advantage tomy own AMfsirs keep a regular Set of Books, and can tell at an Hour’s Waming how it stands berween me and the World. In my Day book T enter every Article of Defamation as iv is transacted; for Scandals reid in I give Credit; and ‘when I pay them out again, I make the Persons to whorn they respectively relate Debi, In my Jounal, I add to each Story by Way of Improvement, such probable Circumstances as 1 think it will bear, and in my Lager the whole is regularly posted, 1 suppose che Reader already condemns me in his Hear, for this particular of adding Cicurstenes but I justify i 2 — aoe SS that part of my Practice thus. "Tis a Principe with me, that ‘none ought to have a greater Share of Reputation than they really deserve; if they have, és an Imposition upon the Pub+ lick: I know it is every one’s Interest, and therefore believe they endeavour, to conceal all their Vices and Follies; and T hol, that those People are xtrardinar foolish or careless who sulfera Fourth oftheir Filings to come to publick Knowledge: ‘Taking then the common Prudence and Imprudence of Mankind in a Lump, I suppose none suffer above une Fh to bee discovered: Therefore when I hear of any Person's Mis- doing, I think I keep within Bounds if in relating it only ‘make it dare tines worse than it s,and I reserve to my self the Privilege of charging them with one Fault in four, which, for aught I know, they may be entirely innocent of. You see there are but few 0 careful of doing Justice as myself, what Reason then have Mankind 10 complain of Scandal? In a general way, the worst thats aid ofusis only half what might be said, if all our Faults were seen. ‘But alas, two great Evils have lately befallen me atthe same time; an extream Cold that I can scarce speak, and a riot terrible Toothache that I dare hardly open my Mouth: For some Days past have received ten Stories for one Ihave paid; and Iam notable to balance my Accounts without your ‘Assistance. I have long thought tha if you would make your Paper a Vehicle of Scandal, you would double the Number ‘of your Subscribers. send you herewith Account of 4 Knav- ish Tricks, 2 crackt Maidenhead 5 Cuckldoms, 3 dubbed Wives, and 4 Henpcced Hasbands all within this Fortnight; which you may, as Articles of News, deliver tothe Publick, and if my ‘Toothache continues, shall send you more; being, in the mean time, Your constant Reades, ALICE ADDERTONGUE aa On Choosing A Mistress 1745, My dear Friend, know of no Medicine fi to diminish the violent natural Inclinations you mention; and if I did, T dhink I should not ‘communicate it to you. Marriage isthe proper Remedy. It is the most natural State of Man, and therefore the State in which you are most likely to find solid Happiness, Your Rea- sons against entering nt it arpresen, appear tome not well” founded. ‘The circumstantial Advantages you have in View by postponing i, are not only uncertain, but they are small in comparison with that of the Thing itsel, the being mariad sd std, Teis the Man and Woman wnited that make the ‘compleat human Being. Separate, she wants his Force of Body and Strength of Reason; he, her Sofiness, Sensbility and acute Discernment. Together they are more likely to succeed inthe World. A single Man has not nearly the Value he would have in that State of Union. He is an incomplete Animal, He resembles the odd Half ofa Pair of Scissors, If you get prudent healthy Wife, your Industry in your Pro- fession, with her good Economy, will bea Fornane sufficient, ‘But if you will not take this Counsel, and persist in thinking a Commerce with the Sex inevitable, then I repeat ry former Advice, that in all your Amours you should per old Women ts aung ones. You call his a Paradox, and demand my Reasons. ‘They are these: a 26 ae — 7 aeES 1. Because they have more Knowledge ofthe World and. their Minds are better stored with Observations, their Con- versation is more improving and more lastinly agreeable, "2 Because when Women cease to be handsome, they study tobe good. Tomaintain their Influence over Men, they supply the Diminution of Beaury by an Augmentation of Ul. ity, They learn to do a 1000 Services small and great, and are the most tender and useful of all Friends when you are sick, Thus they continue amiable, And hence there is hardly such a thing to be found as an old Woman whois not good Woman. 3, Because there is no hazard of Children, which irregu- larly produced may be attended with much Inconvenience, 4. Because through more Experience, they are more prudent and discreet in conducting an Intrigue to prevent Suspicion, The Commerce wit them is therefore safer with regard to your Reputation, And with regard to theirs, ifthe [Allair should happen to be known, considerate People might bbe rather inlined t excuse an old Woman who would kindly take care of a young Man, form his Mauners by her good Gounels, and prevent his ruining his Heath and Fortune among mercenary Prostitutes. 5, Because ia every Animal that walks upright, the Deficiency ofthe Fluids that fil the Muscles appears first in the highest Par: The Face irt grows lank and wrinkled thea the Neck then the Breast and Arms; the lower Pars continuing to the last as plump as ever: So that covering all above with a Basket, and regarding only what is below the Girdle eis imposible of two Women to know an old one from a young one. And as in the dark all Cats are grey, the Pleasure or comporal Enjoyment with an old Woman is at least equal, and frequently superior, every Knack being by Practice capable of improvement. es 6. Because the Sins les, The debauching a Virgin may bbe her Ruin, and make her for Life unhappy. 7. Beeause the Compunction is less. The having made ' young Girl mixable may give you frequent biter Reflections; none of which can attend the making an old Woman hap. 8th and Lastly. ‘They are se gail! The Antediluvians Were All Very Sober ‘The Anteciluvians were all very sober For they had no Wine, and they brewed no October; ‘All wicked, bad Livers, on Mischief sill thinking, For there cant be good Living where there is not good Drinking, Dery dia. "Twas honest old Noah first planted the Vine, And mended his Morals by drinking its Wine; Hie jusly the drinking of Water decried; For he knew that all Mankind, by drinking it, died. Dery doa. From this Piece of History plainly we find ‘That Waters good nether for Body or Mind; ‘That Virtue and Safety in Wine-bibbing’s found While all that drink Water deserve 9 be drowned Dery dave. So For Safety and Honesty put the Glass round. . es 29 meeeThe Oath Luke, on his dying Bed, embraced his Wife, ‘And begged one Favour: Swear, my dearest Life, you love me, never more to wed, [Nor take a second Husband to your Bed. ‘Anne dropt a Tear. You know, my dear, says she, ‘Your least Desires have still been Laws to me; ‘But from this Oath, I beg you'd me excuse; For I'm already promised to Joh Hughes. Firm Resolve Some have learnt many Tricks of sly Evasion, Instead of Truth they use Equivocation, ‘And eke it out with mental Reservation, ‘Which isto good Men an Abomination. ‘Our Smith of late most wonderfully swore, ‘That whilst he breathed he would drink no more; But since, I know his Meaning, for I think He mesnt he would not breathe whilst he did drink, Poor Richard On His Deafness Deaf, giddy, helpleas, left alone, To all my Friends a Burthen grown, [No more I hear a great Church Bell, ‘Than if it cang out for my Knell: At Thunder now no more I sar, ‘Than at the whisp'tng of a Far. Nay, what's incredible, alack! Thardly hear my Bridgee's Clack. Poor Richard On Fate My sickly Spouse, with many a Sigh ‘Once told me—Dicky, I shall die T grieved, bur recollected straigh, "Twas bootless to contend with Fate So Resignation to Heaven's Will Prepared me for succeeding Ul; "Twas well c did for, on my Life, “Twas Heaven's Will to spare my Wile, — pote eee 3] eeeWho’s The Ass? Once on a Time it by Chance came to pass, ‘That a Man and his Son were leading an Ass. Gries a Passerby, Neighbor, you're shrewelly put tot, ‘To lead an Ass empty, and trudge it on foot. Nay, quoth the old Fellow, if Folk do so mind us Tl Cen climb the Ass, and Boy mount behind us But as they jogged on, they were laughed at and hissed, ‘What, 40 booby Lubbers on one sorry Beast! ‘This is such a Figure as never was known; "Tis a sign that the Ass is none of your ov. ‘Then down gets the Boy, and walks by the Side, ‘Till another cries, What, you old Foo! must you ride? ‘When you see the poor Child that’s weakly and young: Forced through thick and thin wo tradge it along, ‘Then down gees the Father, and up gets the Son; this cannot please them we ne'er shall have done. ‘They had not gone far, but a Woman eries out, © you young graceless Imp, you'll be hanged, no doubt ‘Must you ride an Ass, and your Father that’s grey £E’en foot i, and pick our the best of his Way? So now to please all they but one ‘Trick lack, ‘And that was to carry the Ass pickepack: But when that was tried, it appeared sach a Jest, 1K occasioned more Laughter by half than the rest ‘Thus he who'd please al, and their Good-liking gain, Shows a deal of Good-Nanure, but labors in vain. The Complaint ‘A Farmer once made a complaint to a Judge, My Bull i it please you, Sir, owing a Grudge, Belike to one of your good Worship’s Cattle, His slain him outright in a mortal Battle: TT sorry at heart because ofthe Action, ‘And want to know how must be made Satisfaction. Why, you must give me your Bul, that’s plain Says the Judge, or pay me the Price of the Slain But I have mistaken the Case, Sir, says John, ‘The dead Bul I talk of, and please you, ’s my own: ‘And your isthe Beast that the Mischief has done, ‘The Judge soon replies with a serious Face: Say you so? Then this Accident alters the case my dear, ‘The strangest pieve of News I heat! A Law, ‘Ss said, will quickly pas, ‘To purge the matrimonial Class; Cuckolds, if any such we have here Must to a Man be thrown i th’ River, She smiling cried, My dear, you seem Sunprized! ray, hat you lamad to sin? = 3A Striking Sundial 1757 Hoo mae Sing Susi y whic nt oly 4 Man's ov Fan, bor al he Negba fren il found, may know what otlock it when te Sun hie, ‘hoe ing the Dil ‘Choose anopen Place in your Yard or Garden, onwhich the Sun may shine all Day without any Impediment from ‘Trees or Buildings. On the Ground mark out your Hour Lines as for a horizontal Dial, according to Ar, taking Room ‘enough for the Guns. On the Line for One o'Glock, place one ‘Gun; on the Two o'Glock Line «wo Guns, and so of the rest. ‘The Guns must all be charged with Powder, but Ball is une necessary. Your Gaomon or Style must have twelve burning ‘Glasses annexed toit,andbe so placed as cha the Sun shining through the Glasses, one after the othe, shall case the Focus ‘or burning Spot to fall onthe Hour Line of One for Example, atone a Clock, and there kindle a Train of Gunpowder that shall fre one Gun, At Two a Clock, a Focus shal fll on the Hour Line of Two, and kindle another Train that shall is- charge two Guns successively; and so ofthe rest. ss Not, Thee mst be 78 Guns in al. Tino Pounder wil be ao as Ue bt 18 Pounders yo, and late awl a ls Ponder, for ine Pound OF Poder wi do for one Charge ech eigen Pounder, wires he Thiy-na Puntos wel gure ee Gun 16 Pounds. a an * Nat io, Tha he chit Expenc il be the Powder, forthe Canon once bough wl wh Care a 00 Yea, Note moreover, That her al bx Sing Poor inclu) Dae Kind Reade, Methinks hear hee ay, Tha sind 4 yd Thing leh Tie a,b snd fi itn eed Seg, en cy ep ia Git gat etn Tou ave my Pe tte scone treand ame as ett ae und Outs mich i hey had made Dal ad we it eval such ara hat many a pte and many bet Pej, tr es Sig Da reat Gov fe Pot ee 5 Se=< Poor Richard's Almanack Eeier's Nets Franklin ete and published Poor Richard's Almanac, fom 1733 hough 1758, when he tamud iter tis (partir, David Hall. He started wack almanac with an into ia, the fot eof which oe eprint ne. It shld Oe werd that Richard Sounders was a fettious charact—elthoagh Praklin booted his name from an English alge who had fed in the resis cmtury—as was Titan Leads and al thar “pilomaths” cho twee ising almanacs, Announcing the death of hs principal con peter i nt oly good example of Fantn's wit and sai, but ‘ise fis usiness acumen, fr his alana quickly bacame te most scars one in Pomona, 1733 Courteous Reader, might inthis place atempe to gain thy Favour, by de laring that I write Almanacks with no other View than that ofthe publick Good; but inthis I should not be sincere; and Men are now avdays 100 wise to be deceived by Pretences hhow specious soever. The plain Truth of the Matter is, lam ‘excessive poor, and my Wife, good Woman, is, I tell her, ex- cessive proud; the cannot bea, she says, to sitspinning in her Shift of Tow, while I do nothing but guze atthe Stars; and hhas dhreatened more than once to burn all my Books snd ‘Ratting- Traps (as she calls my Instruments if do not make some profitable Use of them for the good of my Family. The Printer has offered me some considerable share of the Profits, and I have thus begun to comply with my Dame’s desire, Indeed this Motive would have had Force enough to shave made me publish an Almanack many Years since, had itnot been overpowered by my Regard for my good Friend and Fellow-Student, Mr. Tian Leeds, whose Interest I was exteeamly unwiling to hurt: But this Obstacle Lam far from speaking it with Pleasure) is soon to be removed, since inexorable Death, who was never known to respect Ment, thas already prepared the mortal Dart, the fatal Sister has already extended her destroying Shears and that ingenious “Maan must soon be taken from us. He dies, by my Calculation made at his Request, on Oct, 17. 1733. 3 ho. 29 m. PAL at the very instant ofthe conjunction of the Sun and Mercury: Byhis own Calculation he will survive il the 26th ofthe same Month, This small difference between us we have disputed whenever we have met these 9 Years past; but at length he isinclinable to agree with my Judgment; Which of us is most cxact, litle time will now determine, As therefore these Provinces may not longer expect to see any of his Performn= ances after this year, I think my self ree to take up the Task, ‘and request a share of the publick Encouragement; which I ‘am the more apt to hope for on this Account, thatthe Buyer ‘of my Alimanack may consider himself, not only as purchas- ing an wseful Utensil, but as performing an Act of Chacity, to his poor Friend and Servant, Richard Saunders. — 36 ——— =ee = —— 1734 Courteous Readers, ‘Your kind and charitable Assistance last Year, in pur- chasing s0 large an Impression of my Almanacks, has made my Circumstances much more easy in the World, and requires my grateful Acknovledgment. My Wife has been enabled to get a Pot of her own, and is no longer obliged to borrow one from a Neighbour, nor have we ever since been ‘without something of our own to put init, She has also got 4 pair of Shoes, two new Shifts, and a new warm Pentcoat, ‘and for my par, [have bought a second-hand Coat, s0 good, that I am now not ashamed to go to Town or be seen there. ‘These Things have rendered her Temper so much more ppacifick than it used t be, that I may say, Ihave lept more, ‘and more quiedy within this last Year, than inthe three fore- joing Years put together. Accept my hearty Thanks therefor, land my sincere Wishes for your Health and Prosperity Tn the Preface to my last Almanack, I foretold the Death ‘of my dear old Friend and Fellow-Seadent, the earned and ingenious Mr. ite Lads, which was tobe on the 17th of Oar bq, 1733, 3h, 29 m. P.M, atthe very Instant ofthe conjunc: tion ofthe Sun and Mercury. By his own Calculation he was to survive tl the 26th ofthe same Month, and expire in the ‘Time of the Eclipse, near I] a clock, AM. Atwhich of these “Titnes he died, or whether he be rally yet dead, I cannot at ‘this present Writing positively assure my Readers; forasmuch asa Disorder in my own Family demanded my Presence, and ‘Would not permit me a I had intended, to be with him in his last Moments to receive his last Embrace, to lose his Eyes, ‘and do the Duty of a Friend in performing the last Offices to the Departed, Therefore itis that I cannot posively affirm ‘whether he be dead or not; for the Stars only show 10 the Skilful, what will happen in the natural and universal Chain ee 3B of Causes and Eifects; but "tis well known, that the Events ‘which would otherwise certainly happen at certain Times in the Course of Nature, are sometimes set aside or postponed for wise and good Reasons, by the immediate particular Dis- positions of Providence; which particular Dispositions the Stars can by no Means discover of foreshow. There i how- ever, (and T cannot speak it without Sorrow) there ie the strongest Probability that my dear Friend is no mar for there appears in his Name, as Iam assured, an Almanack forthe ‘Year 1734, in which Tam treated in a very gross and unhand- some Mannessin which Iam called a fe Predict, an Igor, «conceited Sober, Fl, and a Lyar. Mr. Leads was too well bred to use any Man so indecently and so seurlously, and more- ‘over his Esteem and Affection for me was extraordinary. So that it isto be feared, that Pamphlet may be only a Con- trivance of some body or other, who hopes perhaps to sll wo or three Year's Almanacs sil, by the sole Force and Virtue of Mr. Leads Name; but certainly, to put Words into the ‘Mouth of a Gentleman and a Man of Leners, against his Friend, which the meanest and most scandalous ofthe People ‘might be ashamed t utter even in a drunken Quarrel, is an ‘unpardonable Injury to his Memory, and an Imposition pon the Publick ___Mr. Laeds was not only profoundly skill in the use Science he profesed, but he was a Man of exemplary Sibi, 4 most sincere Friend, and an exact Paporme of is Word. These valuable Qualifications, with many others, so much endeared him tome, that although it should be so, that, contrary to all Probabilcy, contrary © my Prediction and his own, he might possibly be yet alive, yet my Loss of Honour as a Prognos- ‘icator, cannot afford me so much Mortification, as hie Life, Health and Safety would give me Joy and Satisfaction, Iam, Courteous and kind Reade, your por Find and Sect, R, SAUNDERS SS 81735 Courteous Reader, ‘This the third Time of my appearing in print, hitherco very much to my own Satisfaction, and, 1 have reason to hhope, o the Satisfaction ofthe Publick also; for the Publick is generous, and has been very charitable and good to me. T should be ungrateful then, iT did not take every Oppor- tunity of expressing my Gratitude; for igratum sides, omnia der: I therefore reeurn the Publick my most humble and hearty Thanks. Whatever may be the Musick of the Spheres, how great soever the Harmony of the Star, ts certain there is no Hax- ‘mony among the Stargazer; but they are perpetually growl- ing and snarling a one another like strange Gurs o ike some Men at their Wives: I had resolved to keep the Peace on my ‘own part and affront none of them; an I shal persist in that Resolution: But having received much Abuse from Titan Leeds deceased, (Titan Leeds when living would not have used me sof) I say, having received much Abuse from the Ghost of Titan Leeds, who pretends to be sil living, and to write Almanacks in pight of me and my Prediedons cannot help saying, that tho Itake itpatiendy, take it very unkind. ‘And whatever he may pretend, ts undoubtedly true that he is really defunct and dead, First because the Starsare seldom disappointed, never but in the Case of wise Men, Sapiens tdminabit ests, and they fore-showed his Death atthe Time I predicted it, Secondly, "Twas requisite and necessary he should die punctualy at that Time for the Honour of Astro- logy, the Art professed both by him and his Father before him, Thirdly, "Tis plain to every one tha reads his two last “Almanacks (for 1734 and 35) tha they are not written with that Lié his Performances used to be written with the Wit is low and flat, the litle Hints dull and spiritess, nothing Oo — Se smart in them but Hudibras's Verses against Astrology atthe Heads of the Months in the last, which no Astrologer but a stad one would have inserted, and no Man ibing would or ‘could write such Seuff a the rest But lastly I shall convince him from his own Words, that he is dead, (xo so nade: ‘atu ct for in his Preface to is Almanack for 1734, he says, “Saunders adds another GROSS FALSEHOOD jn his Almanack, viz that by my own Calculation Isball une unit the 26th ofthe said Month October 1733, which i as we asthe former.” Now ifthe, as Leeds says, wxrue and a gross Faluivod that he survived sl the 26th of October 1733, then iis certainly ne that he died bye that Time: And ithe died before that Time, hes dead now, tall Intents and Purposes, any thing he may say to the contrary notwithstanding. And at what Time before the 26th is itso likely he should die, as atthe Time by me predicied, vie. the 17th of October afore- said? But if some People wil walk and be woublesome after Death, it may perhaps be born with a litle, because it cannot elle avoided unless one would beat the Pains and Expence of laying them in the Red Sea; however, they should not presume too much upon the Liberty allowed them I know Confinement must needs be mighty irksome othe fee Sprit of an Astronomer, and I am too compassionate to proceed suddenly to Extremities with i nevertheless, tho’ I resolve with Reluctance, I shall ot long defer, iit doesnot speedily Jeans to treat its living Friends with better Manners, Iara, Courteous Reader, Your obliged Friend and Servant, R. SAUNDERS iA Whimsical Cook Poor Richard’s Almanack, 1748 (On the 19th ofthis Month anuary), Anno 1493, was ‘bom the famous Astronomer Copernicus, .o whom we owe the Invention, or rather the Revival (it being taught by Pythagoras near 2000 Years before) of that now generally received System of the World which bears his Name, and ‘supposes the Sun in the Center, this Barth a lanet revolving round it in 365 Days, 6 Hours, &c. and that Day and Night fare caused by the Tuming of the Earth on its own Axis once round in 24h. &e. “The Prolomean System, which prevailed before Coper- nieus, sspposed the Ear .o be fixed, and that the Sun went round it daily. Mr. Whitson, a modera Astronomer, say, the ‘Sun is 230,000 times bigger than the Earth, and 81 Millions of Miles distant from it: That vast Body must then have ‘moved more than 480 Millions of Miles in 24h. A prodigious Journey round this lle Spot How much more narural is “Copernicus Scheme! Ptolemy is compared to a whimsical ‘Cook, who, instead of Turing his meat in Roasting, should fix That, and contrive to have his whole Fire, Kitchen and al, whirling continually ound it. The Stonecutter The Pennsylvania Gazette, 1731 _ Friday Night lst, a certain Stonecutter was, it seems in afar way of dying the Death of a Nobleman: for being caught ‘Napping with another Man's Wife, the injured Husband took the Advantage ofhisbeing fastaslep, and with a Knife began ery gen toca of his Head. Bur te Tnrument ot ving equal to the intended Operation, much strugelin prevented Suces and he wa obliged to content mse for the present with bestowing on the Aggresor a sound Drub- bing. The Gap made in the Side ofthe Stonecutter’s Neck, tho’ deep, isnot thought dangerous; but some People admire, that when the Person offended had so fair and suitable an ‘Opportunity it id not enter into his Head to rurn Stonecut- ter himself, 2 —_——The Boo Bee The Pennsylvania Gazette, 1731 ‘Thursday lat, a certain Printer [6s not customary to give Names at length on these Occasions} walking carefully in clean Cloaths over some Barrels of Tar on Carpeater’s Wharf, the head of one of them unlucily gave way, and let ‘a Leg of him in above his Knee. Whether he was upon the Catch at that dime, we cannot say, but 'ts certain he caught 4 Tartar. “Twas observed he spring out again right briskly, verifying the common Saying, As ninbleas a Bee ina Tarbarel. ‘You must know there are several sorts of Bea's truc he was no Honey Bas, nor yet a Hamble Bu, but a Boo be he may be allowed to be, namely BL. NB. He hope the Getlaman will xase tis Fredo A Certain Constable The Pennsylvania Gazette, 1731 Sure some unauspicious cros-grained Planet, in Oppo- sition to Venus, presides over the Affairs of Love about this ‘Time. For we hear, that on Tuesday as, a certain Constable hhaving made an Agreement witha neighbouring Female, to Wash with her that Night; she promised to leave a Window ‘open for im to come in at; but he going his Rounds in the lark, unlucily mistook the Window, and got into a Room where another Woman wasin bed, and her Husbandit seems lying on a Couch not far distant. ‘The good Woman per- cziving presently that it could not possibly be her Husband, made 30 much Disturbance as to wake the good Man; who finding somebody had got into his Place without his Leave, ‘began tolay about him unmercifully; and twas though, that hhad not out poor mistaken Galant, called out manfully for Help (as if he were commanding Assistance in the King’s ‘Name and thereby raised the Family, he would have stood no more Chance for his Life between the Wife and Husband, than a captive Louse between two Thumb Naila! Transporting Rattle-Snakes 1751 Ba vasageinone ot yout ate Paper, Lundertand chat te Government at home wil not afer our mistaken ‘Auembes to make any Law fr provening or couraging the Importation of Conve fom Great Beal, fr thinking Keay Thatch La a ote BEA ii iy ed fe pe he IMPROVEMENT ond WELL PEOPLING ft Coli’ Sach a tender penal Concer in our Mae Cot for the Hf of her Children, alls a fo he highest Re- turmsof Grattade and Duty Thisevery one mst be sensible of But ‘sad chat in ur present Cramstances tis absor Taelyimponibl for uso make cha are adequate 1 the Favour T oem i but novel let us do our Endesvou. “Ts vometing to show grate Dipin, In some ofthe anhabited Pars of thee Provinces here are Numbers ofthese venomous Repteswe cll ae Stake; Faonsconict from the Bepianing of he Worl: “These, whenever we mest with them, we pat to Death by Vie of an ot Law, The hal ae i Ha: Buta isis 2 anginay Law and may sem oo col ad as however SS 6 eee ‘mischievous those Creatures are with us, they may possibly change their Natures, if they were to change the Climate; I would humbly propose that this general Sentence of Death bbe changed for Transporation, In the Spring of the Year, when they fist creep out of their Holes, they are feeble, heavy slow, and easly taken; and i'a small Bounty were allowed fer Head, some Thousaads might be collected annually, and ranportd to Britain, There 1 would propose to have them carefully distributed in Sk Fame’s Pak ithe Sprig- Gardens and other Places of Pleasure labour Loudn; in the Gardens ofall the Nobility and Gentry throughout the Nation; but particulary in the Gardens of the Prine Ministes, the Lars of Trade and Menbers of Parkamens for 10 them we are most partalarly obliged, ‘There is no human Scheme so perfect, but some Incoa- veniencies may be objected o it: Yet when the Convenien cies far exceed, the Scheme is judged Operational, and fit to bbe executed. Thus Inconveniencies have been objected to Uhat good and wie Act of Parliament, by virtue of which all the Negus and Duagevns in Brien are emptied into the Colonies. It has been said, that these Thieves and Vilains ‘introduced among us, spoil the Morals of Youth in the Neigh- bbourhoods that entertain them, and perpetrate many horrid Crimes: But let not gral Idoets obstruct publick Usp. Our Mother knows what is best for us, What it litle Houserahing, Shupifing, or High Robbigs what is a Son now and then ‘corpied and hanged, a Daughter debauched and posed, a Wie abbel a Husband's Tioaeu or a Child's Brac beat ot with an Axe, compared with this IMPROVEMENT and WELL PEOPLING of the Colonies! ‘Thus it ay perhaps be objected to my Scheme, that the ate Saat isa mischievous Creature, and that his changing his Naru with the Cime isa mere Suppostin, not yet con- ee 7a firmed by sulcent Facts, What then? Is not Example more prevalent than Precepe? And may not the honest rough Bridsh Gentry, by a Familiarity with these Reps, lem rip, ad 0 iat, ant sae, and to wriggle into Pace {and perhaps to poion suchas stand in their Way)-—-Qualities, of no small Advantage to Courier! In comparison of which “Improvement and Publick Ui,’ what is @ Qhild now and then killed by their venomous Bite—or even a favourite Lap- Dag 1 would only add, That this Exporting of Felons to the Colonies, may be considered asa Trad, aswell asin the Light ‘of a Fanur. Now all Commerce implies Retwns: Justice re- quires them: There can be no Trade without them. And Ratde-Snakes som the mat stable Reus for the Finan Sepent sent us by our Mother Country. fn tis, however, as in every ather Branch of Trad, she will have the Advantage cfu. She wil eapepual Benefits without equal Risque ofthe inconveniencies and Dangers. For the Raitl-Snake gives ‘Waring before he attempts his Mischief, which the Convict does not. AMERICANUS, Rules for Making Oneself A Disagreeable Companion 1750 RULES, by the Oburcation of wich, « Mon of Wit sand Leaming, may nonthclss make himself dsagree- able Canpantin ‘Your Businessis to shin therefore you must by all means Prevent the shining of others, for thelr Brightness may make ‘Yours the les distinguished. To this End 1. If posible engross the whole Discourse; and when. ‘ther Matter fils, talk much of yourself, your Education, your Knowledge, your Circumstances, your Successes it Busines, your Vietories in Disputes, your own wise Sayings and Observations on particular Occasions, &e, &c. &, 2. Ifwhen you are out of Breath, one af the Company should seize the Opportunity of saying something; watch his Words, and, if posible, find somewhat either in his Senti- ‘ment or Expression, immediately to contradict and raise 4 Dispute upon. Rather than fal, eiticise even his Grammar. 3. If another should be saying an indisputably good ‘Thing; either give no Attention to it; oF interrupt him; or ee 1)——— draw away the Atention of others; of if you can guess what Ihe would be a, be quick and say i before him; or, iPhe gets it suid, and you perceive the Company pleased with it, own itobea good'Thing, and withal zemarktharit had been said bby Bacon, Locke, Bayle oF some other eminent Writer; thus you deprive him of the Reputation he might have gained by it, and guin some yourself, as you hereby show your great Reat- ing and Memory. 4. When niodest Men have been thus treated by you a fewtimes, they will choose ever afer to besilentin your Gom- pany; then you may shine on without Fear ofa Rival rallying ‘em atthe same tte fr their Dallnes, which will be to you anew Fund of Wit “Thus you will be sure to please yours The polite Man aims at pleasing oth but you shall go beyond him even in that, A Man can be present only in one Company, but may at the same time be absent in twenty. He ean please only Where he is, you wherever you are not. Anthony Afterwit 1732 Tors honest Vadsnan, who never meant Hare toany Body My As wen on sot whles Buchel Dutofite have met With ome Dies, of which Tate the Freedom ove you an Account About he Tine fin aden my present Spouse, her athe gave oot in Sperches hat I she mared tM hiked woul give with her £20 on he Day of Mar age. Titre never ido rome bt eavajeceed tne very kindy ahs Hone, and openly coutenanced my Gourip. armed srl ine Scheme, what 0 do wih Oise £200 and in some Marre elected my Bases fon thatAcount But uc cameo pass ta hen te G18 Germans {wa prety wel engage, an thatthe Math var oor gnete ean bok of ey without any Reason gen grew very ang bid me te House, and tld his Daughter tai he aed nh won oe her Farthing. However he rsa we were ot tobe Asappoimedin hat Manner ba haing ole Wedding to er hme tomy Howe where we were atin quite so —‘poor a Condition asthe Couple described inthe Scotch Song, who had Neer Pot nor Pan, ‘But fur bare Leg tg; for Lhad a House tolerably furnished, for an ordinary Man, before, No thanks to Dad, who [understand was very much pleased with his plitck Management. And I have since leamed that there aze old Curmudgeons (called) besides ‘him, who have this Trick, to marry their Daughters and yet keep what they might well spare til they can keep it no longer: But this by way of Digression; A Word tthe Wie i noah 1 soon saw that with Care and Industry we might live tolerably easy, and in Credit with our Neighbours: But ey Wife had a strong Inclination tbe a Gentewoman. In Gon- Sequence of this, my old-fashioned Looking-Glass was one Day broke a8 she said, No Moral auld ll hich way. However, since we could not be without a Glas inthe Room, My Dea, says she, we maya wl ay a lg fashionable One ht Mr. Suche arone has tl lat but ite more than amon Gls, and il beach andamer and mae cadable Accordingly the Glass ‘was bought, and hung against the Wall: Butin a Week’ time, Twas made sensible by litle and itl, sat he Table eas by m0 Means atl ts uh a Glace And a more proper Table being procured, My Spouse, who was an excellent Contsver, ine ormed me where we might have very handsome Chairs ia ‘he Wo And thus, by Degrees, found all my old Furniture stowed up into the Garret, and everything below altered for the beter. Had We stopped here, we might have done well ‘enough bur my Wife being entertained with Teaby the Good ———ae 52 aE ‘Women she visited, we could do no less than the like when they visited us; and so we got a Tea-Tabl with alts Appur- tenanoes of China and Site, Then my Spouse unfortunately ‘overworked herself in washing the House, 3 that we could do no longer without a Maid. Besides ths, it happened fre- quently, that when I came home at Ong, the Dinner was but just putin the Po for, my Dear ought aly it had ben but Elen: ‘Atother Times when Icame at the same Hour, Se wondered woul ty 30 long, fr Dine was ready and had waited for me thee fa hows. These Irregularities, occasioned by mistaking the ‘Time, convinced me, that it was absolutely necessary t0 by 1 Clack which my Spouse observed, wae «great Omament the ‘Room! And lastly, to my Grief she was frequently troubled with some Ailment or other, and nothing did her so much Good as Ridings And the Haciug Horses were such urehd aly Greanares, that—1 bought a very ine pacing Mare, which cost £20, And hereabouts Affairs have stood for some Months past. could sc all along, that this Way of Living was uterly inconsistent with my Circumstances, but had not Resolution enough to help it, Till lately, receiving a very severe Dun, ‘which mentioned the next Court, I began in eamestto prov ject Relief. Last Monday my Dear went over the River, to see 4 Relation, and stay a Fortnight, because she culd not ea the Heat of be Teas. Inthe Interim, Thave takers my Tur to make Alterations, viz. have tumed away the Maid, Bag and Bag- ‘gage (for what should we do with a Maid, who have (except ‘my Boy) none but ourselves). I have sold the fine Pacing Mare, and bought a good Milch Cow, with £3 ofthe Money. Thave disposed of the Tea Table, and puta Spinning Wheel {nies Place, which methinks ls te pray: Nine empty Cani- sera I have stlfed with Flax; and with some of the Money of the Tea-Furninure, I have bought a Set of Knitting- ee 5) Sea Needles for to tell you a Truth, which f would have go 90 farther, [begin to want Suckigs, The stately Clock Ihave trans- formed into an Hour-Glas, by which I gained a good round ‘Sum: and one ofthe Peces ofthe old Looking Glass squared and framed, supplies the Place of the Great One, which T hhave conveyed into a Closet, where it may possibly remain some Years. In short, the Face of Things is quite changed; ‘and I am mightily pleased when I look at my Hour-Glass, what an Omament itis the Room. Uhave paid my Debts, and find Money in my Pocket. I expect my Dame home next Fri- day, and as your Paper is taken in at the House where she is, Thope the Reading ofthis wil prepare her Mind for he above surprizing Revolutions. Ifshe can conform to this ew ‘Scheme of Living, we shall be the happiest Couple perhaps in the Province, and, by the Blessing of God, may soon be in thriving Circumstances. I have reserved the great Glass, because I know her Heartieset upon tI willallow her when she comics in, to be taken suddenly il with the Meadach, the Stonachach, Faintg-Fis, or whatever other Disorders she ‘may think more proper, and she may retire to Bed as soon ‘as she pleases: But if do not find her in perfect Health both ‘of Body and Mind the next Morning, away goes the aforesaid Great Glas, with several other Trinkets I have no Occasion, for, to the Vendue that very Day. Which is the irevocable Retolution of, Sir, Her loving Husband, and Your very hhamble Servant, ANTHONY AFTERWIT Patel, You know we can return to our former Way ‘of Living, when we please, if ad will be at the Expence of A Letter to his Sister, Jane 1758 Worse vcs ener over great part Engl ths Sunmer and among other lace ated the Tow out Father wa born in and found some Redon in hat pat of the Gary al ing Oar Conn Jae Fran, daughter of our UnleJoha, ed bot about a Year ago, We ser Mushand Robert Fags, who gave veal Lt is Wit fom Unkle Bejamin In ene of hem, dated Boston Jy 41725 he wees “Your Ue Joh has « Daughter June abou 12 ens OU, goat humoured Gla” Se jenny Teep up your Character and do! be angry hen you are ro Later Ina Booke set he caled Mine ni hewete sn Acros on er Name, nc or Namesake Sek wellasthe good Adie icon, Itransrbe and see you Whuminated from on High, ‘And shining brighdy in your Sphere [Nere faint, but keep a steady Eye Expecting endless Pleasures there Flee Vice, as you'd a Serpent flee, Raise Faith and Hope three Stories higher ‘And let Chris’ endless Love to thee 35 ee