Invitations To Responsibility 1 PDF

INVITATIONS
TO
RESPONSIBILITY
The therapeutic
engagement of
men who are
violent and
a b u s i v e
Dulwich C e n t r e P u b l i c a t i o n s
PARTI
EXPLANATIONS OF VIOLENT
AND ABUSIVE BEHAVIOUR
"The old grey donkey, Eeyore, stood by himself in a

thistly comer of the forest, his front feet well apart, his
head on one side, and thought about things. Sometimes
he thought sadly to himself, "Why?" and sometimes he
•thought, "WJierefore?" and sometimes he thought,
"Inasmuch as which?" - and sometime he didn't quite
know what he was thinking about. So when Winnie-
the-Pooh came stumping along, Eeyore was very glad to
be able to stop thinking for a little, in order to say "How
do you do?" in a gloomy manner to him.
"And how are you?" said Winnie-the-Pooh. Eeyore
shook his head from side to side. "Not very how," he
said. "I don't seem to have felt at all how for a long
time."
A A. Milne (1926) "Winnie-the-Pooh"

INTRODUCTION solutions available to people for dealing with abusive behaviour. I have
been struck by the nature of these explanations and the fact that many of
them may be unhelpful in that they promote attempts to solve
abuse-related problems which are at best misguided and often harmful.
Many explanations of abuse promote an avoidance of
responsibility by the perpetrator and an acceptance of responsibility by the
victim or others affected by the abuse. Responsibility for the abuse may
be attributed to external events and stresses, the actions of others or
Over the past ten years, my colleagues and I have been
medical/psychological conditions, over which the perpetrator feels he has
developing and exploring models for understanding and working with both
little influence or control. This thinking tends to promote unhelpful
adolescent and adult male perpetrators of violence and sexual abuse. Our
solutions and often leaves victims of abuse carrying the burdens of shame,
aim has been to develop models of intervention that assist abusive males
guilt and responsibility for their own victimization. Not surprisingly, all
to cease their abusive behaviour and to relate respectfully to others.
members of a family or social system influenced by abuse may feel
The models are based on the assumption that these goals can
trapped in a context of abuse in which the perpetrator feels unable to
best be achieved if the abuse perpetrator accepts full responsibility for his
cease his abusive actions, the victim feels unable to seek assistance or
abusive actions. In order to accept responsibility, the perpetrator must
leave and other persons feel powerless to intervene.
acknowledge fully the existence and significance of the abuse and
The search for a causal explanations can be extremely limiting
understand the potential impact of his abusive actions upon the victim
when it serves only to relieve, pacify and excuse the perpetrator of
and others. He must accept his culpability for his actions and bear the full
responsibility. Furman and Ahola (1988), quote Maturana's description of
onus for ceasing his abuse and changing his behaviour.
an explanation as "a claim that pacifies the wonderer". The perpetrator
In the course of this work, I have become particularly interested
may "discover" and attribute responsibility to an external cause which was
in the explanations for abusive behaviour, subscribed to by perpetrators,
previously concealed from him and so feel a sense of relief, reduced
victims and other persons influenced by the abuse. One of the most
culpability, absolution from guilt, entitlement to forgiveness and
frequent questions I am asked by clients and colleagues alike is, "Why did
permission to make a new start where "all can be forgotten". The discovery
he do it?"
of a causal explanation may relieve the abuse perpetrator from the
The search for a causal explanation which is inherent in the
experience of shame and guilt which normally accompanies facing up to,
question "Why?", is an inevitable characteristic of the Western tradition of
and accepting full responsibility for, his actions.
empirical science. Within this tradition, a problem is best solved by
The quest for a causal explanation itself, can be pacifying for the
uncovering and rectifying its true underlying cause. Finding the correct and
perpetrator and can become an end in itself. When abuse perpetrators
true causal explanation is seen to be helpful in deciding who or what is
become extensively preoccupied with the search for a cause, they generally
to blame for the problem, where to attribute responsibility and what
do little to take responsibility for and cease their abusive behaviour. They
action should be taken to solve it. Perpetrators and others influenced by
convince themselves and others that they are "trying hard" as they become
abuse, tend to become extremely preoccupied with the search for a causal
increasingly bogged down in a kind of introspective "navel-gazing". Further
explanation of the perpetrator's behaviour. In fact, many people feel
instances of abuse may be responded to by stepping up efforts to locate
distressed, confused and bewildered if they are unable to explain the cause
he true and correct cause - by trying more of the same.
of a problem.
Victims of abuse may become equally preoccupied with the
All persons influenced by the abuse adopt particular
question "Why?" This question may be expressed in the form, "Why me?"
explanations and ways of thinking about it, as they pursue this inevitable
or "Why did he do this?" While such questions are inevitable reflections of
quest, and the explanations adopted will have an important effect on the
Invitations to Responsibility Alan Jenkins

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12
EXPLANATIONS OF ABUSE - AND THEIR CONSEQUENCES
the victim's experience of grief, they frequently relate to explanations in
which the victim believes that s/he shares responsibility for the abuse. In the following chapters, I will examine popular explanations
Consequently, the search for causal explanations often leads to and ways of thinking about abusive behaviour, along with the "solutions"
ideas which promote blame and the avoidance of responsibility by the they tend to promote. These explanations and attempted solutions will be
perpetrator and prevents the discovery of alternative solutions which are examined in the context of the limitations they place on helping the
likely to be helpful to both the perpetrator and others influenced by the perpetrator to cease his abusive behaviour and to develop respectful and
abuse. sensitive relationships with others.
Therapists, too can become preoccupied with causal A look at the shortcomings of these ways of thinking leads to
explanations of abusive behaviour. This inadvertently promotes a similar proposing a model of explanation which I find useful for understanding
preoccupation in their clients which excuses the perpetrator of and intervention with abuse perpetrators and others influenced by the
responsibility for the abuse. abuse.
Systems theories, based on cybernetic approaches, challenge the
empirical tradition and propose new constructions of problems which are TRANSLATING EXPLANATION INTO INTERVENTION
not based on causal explanation. According to such "constructivist" A model of explanation is only useful if the solutions it proposes
philosophies, there are no true explanations - only subjective constructions can be harnessed in an approach to intervention.
which are created by the observer. Bateson's (1972, 1980) notions of I believe that approaches informed by systems theory can offer
context and restraint as developed by White (1984, 1986a, 1986b) are much to therapists working with abusive men, if they are sensitive to the
particularly useful in explaining abusive behaviour and lead to innovative wider socio-cultural context and can allow therapists to challenge
ideas in therapy. Abuse perpetrators can be seen to hold values and traditional patterns of attributing responsibility for violence. The model of
beliefs which act as restraints to the acceptance of responsibility for explanation based on a theory of restraint, leads to a model for
abusive actions and the development of sensitive and respectful intervention in therapy which is designed to assist abusive men in ceasing
relationships with others. These restraints are reflected in the ways that their abusive behaviour and in learning to relate more sensitively,
abusive males (and others) construct explanations for their abusive actions respectfully and equitably with their partners. This work is based on the
and blueprints for relating to others. Restraints are best understood by assumption that these goals can be best achieved if the abuse perpetrator
examining them in the context in which they have been developed and are accepts responsibility for his abusive behaviour. This requires the man to
maintained. The behaviour of abuse perpetrators tends to be quite acknowledge fully the existence and significance of the abuse and to
consistent with their restrained views of themselves and their relationships understand the potential impact of his abusive actions upon his partner
and the context in which they experience and express these views. and others. It requires him to understand and accept his culpability for his
It is helpful to explore and understand the explanations and actions and ability to cease his abusive behaviour.
attributions of abusive male clients. The high levels of denial and Brennan (1985), Gondolf (1987), Jennings (1987), and Knopp
avoidance of responsibility demonstrated by many abuse perpetrators are (1984) have reviewed the variety of contemporary approaches to therapy
understandable in this context. Therapists who feel obliged to challenge with male spouse abusers and sexual offenders. Most of these approaches
this denial or "break it down" without understanding its context may find acknowledge problems with motivation in abusive men. These include
themselves arguing more strongly for responsibility than their increasingly denial that there is a problem with violence or abuse, unwillingness to
"resistant" clients. An understanding of the client's explanations and attend therapy, attending therapy in order to persuade a spouse to reunite
attributions of responsibility is essential for engaging his cooperation and or to avoid legal charges once this goal is achieved, and avoidance of
participation in therapy.
Alan Jenkins
Invitations to Responsibility
15
responsibility for violence. Not surprisingly, abusive men have often been
regarded as "resistant" and unsuitable for therapy. John Wright
Seeing these men as resistant is a recipe for therapist frustration THESE BLOCW ANIMAL LIBBERS - AND ANYWAV, / RECKON THE PUCK
THEY JUST WANT TO STOP us ACTUALLY ENJOY IT
and failure. Rather, the challenge is to derive an approach which will FUN
engage the man in a way that facilitates his taking responsibility for his YEAH - THERE'S NOTHING r COURSE. THEY DO ~]
MORE SATISFYING THAH BLOWiUG (THEY ASK FOR IT
participation in therapy and encourages an active interest and motivation THE HMD Off A CUTE LITTLE DUCK
in changing his own behaviour. The model for intervention I will propose
rests on using the understanding of patterns of attributing responsibility
for violence to derive an approach that engages men willingly in therapy.
It constitutes a framework for therapy which is based on White's (1986a)
"Template for Therapy". I have used this framework in individual, group
and couple therapy formats.
' LOOK AT THEM , FLYING SO SENSUOUSLY
AND PROVOCATIVELY LOW
,-ANO IT'S NATOML - WEVE GOT A RIGHT - OR THE CON LAWS THAT
NATURAL URGE , AND IT POSSIBLE
FVINC IT, ,
XEP - IF COD DIDN'T WITH THE WORLD TODAY-NO-
'TO BL^ST THE HELL OUT OF DUCKS,
HE WOULDN'T HAVf. QVEH US CUWt

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17
K-'
CAUSAL EXPLANATIONS OF VIOLENCE I've got too much aggro;
AND ABUSE He has a violent nature.
A sexually abusive male may be seen as possessing an excess of
sexual interest.
He's over sexed;
He'd go after anything in a skirt.
The concept of "deviant sexual arousal" which refers to
characteristic genital arousal patterns shown by some sexual offenders, has
Explanations of abuse, when viewed from a constructivist gained popularity as an explanatory concept amongst behaviourists (Earls
perspective, are not.evaluated in terms of their truth or falseness. They are 1988; Finkelhor & Araji 1986). It is assumed that the child offender
regarded as subjective attempts to explain abusive behaviour that in turn abuses because he experiences deviant arousal towards children. The
influence attempts to solve abuse-related problems. Rather than discuss clinician then targets the deviant arousal as the cause of the problem and
how correct each explanation is, the reader is invited to consider how attempts to modify it. Such explanations are simple and appealing but can
helpful an explanation is likely to be in assisting the perpetrator of abuse facilitate a blurring of the distinction between the offender's experience of
to accept responsibility for the abuse. arousal and his abusive actions. Abusive actions are often attributed to
Causal explanations of abuse of behaviour may be categorized excesses of emotional states such as anger or sexual arousal and
according to four levels of context: consequently are seen as natural, inevitable and even unavoidable
those that relate to causes which are seen to be located within outcomes of these emotional states. Abusive males, however, must feel
the individual perpetrator; able to control their actions, regardless of the intensity of their feelings or
those that relate to causes which are seen to be located within emotional states, in order to take responsibility for abuse.
the individual's interaction with others; Alternatively, the char.acterological defect may be seen as a
those that relate to causes which are seen to be located within deficit in a particular quality such as "impulse control". Such individuals
the individual's developmental history; see themselves or are seen by others as having a low threshold or low
— those that relate to causes which are seen to be located within tolerance in some critical capacity that relates to the control of violence or
Western culture and society. icxual behaviour.
/ Have got a short fuse;
INDIVIDUAL THEORIES I just went blank -1 snapped -1 lost control;
Explanations which relate to the individual context generally I knew it was wrong but I couldn 't help myself;
describe the cause of abuse as some form of personality dysfunction or He can't control his sexual urges.
psychopathology within the individual perpetrator. Some of these "Impulse control" deficits are commonly referred to in academic
explanations are discussed below. explanations of abusive behaviour (Gebhard et al 1965; Marolla & Scully
1*)79; National Committee on Violence 1990; Summit & Kryso 1978). Such
Characterological or Personality Theories descriptions can be extremely limiting in that they amount to little more
than statements that the abuser's behaviour is somewhat uncontrollable.
Such explanations may refer to qualities of the perpetrator's It is difficult to determine just what "impulse control" means, let alone
character or personality which are inferred from his behaviour. He may how a man can take responsibility for his abusive behaviour if he has
be seen as possessing a character with an excess of a principle or quality "poor impulse control".
of abuse.

18 19
Characterological explanations sometimes propose a biological
These profiles or types are unreliable and have little validity in
or psychiatric illness as the basis for the behaviour. There is a good deal
predicting abusive behaviour. There are, however, common themes which
of support for theories which describe a biological drives or medical
occur frequently in descriptions of offenders, regardless of the nature of
conditions which result in a propensity to violence amongst certain
their abuse. Many descriptions of abusive males include low self esteem,
persons:
feelings of inadequacy, fears of insufficiency and inferiority in relationships
It runs in the family;
and with respect to masculine identity. Offenders are seen as having rigid
He's sick - crazy - nuts;
views regarding gender roles and parenting and as maintaining unrealistic
He's a psycho.
and unattainable expectations of their partners, children and themselves.
The notion of an illness or character defect may be appealing as
A high level of emotional dependency on others in the family, is often
an explanation due to its simplicity. In particular, it may offer relief to the
described, along with feelings of insecurity and threat, difficulties with
perpetrator by inviting him to attribute blame to a deficient part of himself
trust, jealousy and a strong desire to control or dominate family members.
over which he feels he has little influence. It then becomes the job of an
Abusers are often described as feeling threatened and experiencing others
expert to take responsibility and "cure" him. He feels entitled to sympathy
as hostile and rejecting. They may be highly critical of others. Researchers
and support. Those victimized by his abuse may be invited to accept or
point out that most abusers tend to deny or minimize their abusive
tolerate his actions and hence take responsibility for him.
behaviour and are prone to projecting blame for problems onto others.
Characterological explanations tend to be somewhat limited in
Abusers are often described as egocentric individuals who lack empathy
terms of their ability to promote acceptance of responsibility for abusive
for their victims or as showing a "Jekyll and Hyde" personality in which
behaviour by the perpetrator. They generally fail to address the fact that
they alternate between anxious concern over the consequences of their
most abusive men are abusive in certain contexts but not in others. There
abusive actions and disrespect and insenshivity to others.
is little evidence to suggest that medical or psychopathological paradigms
These characteristics or traits are descriptive of many abuse
are appropriate for working with most abusive persons. (Gelles & Cornell
perpetrators. However, when clustered into "personality profiles" or
1985; Gondolf 1985). In spite of the shortcomings of Characterological
"personality disorders" and viewed as explanations of abuse, they are static
explanations, they are extremely popular. Victims of spouse abuse and
and tautological. (An incest offender, for example, may be seen to abuse
sexual abuse, when surveyed frequently attribute the cause of the abuse to
because he has a certain fixed personality type or disorder.) As
characteristics of the perpetrator's personality (Queensland Domestic
explanations, they often fail to point to solutions at all, let alone promote
Violence Task Force Report 1988).
acceptance of responsibility by the perpetrator.
Clinical researchers have attempted to delineate personality
profiles of abuse perpetrators, (see reviews by Langevin 1985; Araji &
Xl\?ories Relating to Psychological Processes and Motives
Finkelhor 1986; Hamberger & Hastings 1986; Hotaling & Sugarman 1986;
Gondolf & Hanneken 1987; Levin & Stava 1987; Russell 1988), based on Some individual explanations of abuse are framed in a less static
psychological constructs and motives which are inferred from the manner by referring to individual psychological processes and motives.
perpetrator's behaviour and his responses to psychological tests. No "Container" theories are popular and typical of such
unitary profiles can be discerned for spouse abusers, child sexual offenders explanations. These theories speculate that abuse perpetrators store up or
or other groups of abusers. In attempts to deal with the heterogeneity of accumulate emotions such as frustration, tension, anger or sexual arousal,
the population of abusers, a variety of spouse abuser sub-types, (Gondolf 111 response to environmental stressors and cues, until a certain threshold
1985; Russell 1988), rapist sub-types, (Russell 1984) and child sexual li reached, whereupon an "explosion" of abuse results. This process is
offender sub-types (Groth 1982) have been proposed. boned on models of pressure and force used in Newtonian physics to
ilcurribe the functioning of mechanical devices such as steam engines.
— Alan Jenkins
_
this escalation and either regard their urges as having an independent
The perpetrator is likened to a container or tank with a finite
existence from themselves or see themselves as victims of external
capacity which functions in a similar fashion to a mechanical boiler,
influences.
passively receiving feelings which are "bottled up". These explanations are
Many such' offenders confuse their urges with their abusive
limited in that they propose a passive process by which the perpetrator is
actions. They identify the urges as the problem and spend increasing
acted upon by factors, such as stress, in his environment. The filling of the
amounts of time trying to avoid, suppress or distract themselves from
container and the abusive behaviour are attributed to external
them, only to find that their urges seem to become more pervasive and
environmental factors (such as work stress, financial pressures and marital
intense. In attempting to control or avoid their own feelings and
problems) over which he has little influence. Consequently, he may not
experience, these men find themselves increasingly unsuccessful in making
perceive that he has any control of, or responsibility for, the build up or
responsible decisions about their actions.
Filling of his container, let alone his abusive behaviour. Support for this
Some abuse perpetrators explain their actions with individual
kind of thinking can be found in popular psychological explanations such
theories of psychological process which are based on the notion of
as "frustration - aggression" theories which assume a linear relationship
dlslnhibition. Such theories postulate that conventional inhibitions against
between aggressive behaviour and levels of frustration and can encourage
abusive behaviour are overcome as a result of intoxication with alcohol or
the attribution of responsibility for abuse to external stresses (Storr 1970).
other drugs. The perpetrator may explain:
Container models suggest solutions which require mechanisms
/ was drunk, - I didn't know what I was doing, - I don't remember what
for emptying the container or "letting off steam". Physical activity and
happened.
relaxation techniques are sometimes indicated for this purpose. Some
Responsibility is attributed to the disinhibiting substance rather than
residential facilities for adolescents provide punching bags for this
accepted by the perpetrator himself. Such explanations have gained wide
purpose, to be used when the adolescent gets "worked up" or "hot under
acceptability because drug abuse and person abuse often co-exist (Rada
the collar". These ideas are popular and are prescribed for violent males,
1976; Walker 1984; Kantor & Straus 1987). However, it is equally
in spite of evidence that links their use to escalations of violent behaviour
plausible to regard both forms of abuse as reflections of the same
(Tavris 1982). In all of these "solutions", the process recommenced for
problem, as it is to regard them as being casually related.
emptying the container bears little relationship to the process by which it
Theories of blockage are.popular psychological explanations of
is seen to fill.
abusive behaviour (Finkelhor & Araji 1986). These theories propose that
Container theories can promote another kind of misguided and
normal processes of relating are blocked or unavailable for the
unhelpful confusion. If anger is seen to fill his container, then a violent
perpetrator, generally as a result of certain social skill deficits. Abusive
man may identify the emotion of anger or the experience of conflict as
men are frequently described as having poor conflict-management and
pathological and the problem to be avoided. The solution to violence is
communication skills (Deschner 1984; Neidig et al 1985). Problem solving
then to eliminate anger and conflict. This confusion can restrain the
and stress management skills are also seen to be deficient (Sonkin et al
perpetrator from learning to experience anger and conflict in non-violent
1985) It is commonly reported that abusive men lack assertiveness, have
ways. In my experience, spouse abusers are often quite phobic about anger
difficulty in identifying and expressing feelings and difficulties with
and conflict, go to great extremes to avoid or escape them and expect
Inlimacy (Groth 1979, 1982; Rosenbaum & O'Leary 1981; Gondolf 1985;
their partners to behave in ways which will prevent to conflict.
Segal & Marshall 1985; Hotaling & Sugarman 1986; Overholser & Beck
Some sexual offenders experience escalating urges to abuse
1986). By and large, abusive men are seen to experience considerable
which they describe in terms of the container model. The perpetrator may
difficulty in meeting the skill requirements for establishing and maintaining
view himself as the passive recipient of an escalating urge which builds up
Intimate relationships.
to a point where he feels he is no longer able to contain it. As with spouse
abusers, many sexual offenders are unaware of their own contribution to
Alan Jenkins
23
22
Other blockage theories refer to limitations or deficits as a requiring correction. When all else has failed to correct her "errant"
result of psycho-social or psycho-sexual immaturity or stalled psychological behaviour, violence may be regarded as the last resort. These men who act
development (Finkelhor & Araji 1986; Gondolf 1987). from a stance of greater perceived authority, are likely to entertain
Blockage explanations generally promote "solutions" which thoughts such as the following, whilst engaging in violence:
involve the teaching of social skills to the perpetrator. However useful I'll shake some sense in to her;
these attempts may be, they do not necessarily invite the perpetrator to I'll teach her a lesson she won't forget.
accept responsibility for his abusive behaviour. Some violence may be seen to be justified by a need for
There have been some impressive attempts by academics and vindication or vengeance - to get back or even the score:
clinicians to explain abusive behaviour with multi-factorial theories /'// bring her down from her high horse;
(combinations of individual theories) (e.g., Finkelhor & Araji 1986). I'll cut her down to size;
Individual theories, however, tend to be limited by their narrow context. She doesn't look so smart now.
They mostly locate the cause of the abusive behaviour within the These thoughts are based on rigid notions of right and wrong
individual but not often in ways which facilitate the abuser taking und idiosyncratic beliefs about truth, justice and fairness which must be
responsibility. pursued at any cost. Some spouse abusers regard their violence, as
necessary for the establishment of respect and intimacy in their
INTERACTIONAL EXPLANATIONS OF ABUSE relationships. One such perpetrator explained:
There is a long history, in the psychological literature, of /J.v the only time we talk and have good sex.
attempts to explain abusive behaviour within families, by referring to The existence of conscious or unconscious intent in physical
characteristics of the victim, non-abusive family members and patterns of abuse is postulated in many academic theories. Physical violence has been
interaction between family members. This tradition is continued in many described as having an homeostatic function in helping to maintain an
family therapy approaches in which abuse is regarded as symptomatic of inequality of power and status in complimentary, "dominant - submissive"
overall family maladjustment and dysfunction. Families in which abuse has relationships (Weitzman & Dreen 1982). Violence has also been described
been perpetrated have been described as enmeshed, lacking individuation, ilK having an homeoslatic function in regulating the balance of closeness
closed systems, having rigid gender and relationship roles and lacking in and distance in relationships where individual boundaries are blurred
generational boundaries (Bograd 1984; Cook & Frantz-Cook 1984; (Cook & Frantz-Cook 1984). Relationship types such as the
Alexander 1985; Friedman 1988). "uiuleradequate husband - overadequate wife" have been proposed in
which the wife is seen to be verbally more competent and critical of her
Abitse as a_Homepstatic or Purposeful Mechanism within Interaction ptu'lncr who in turn feels powerless and resorts to violence to rectify the
perceived imbalance of power (Hoffman 1981).
Interactional explanations are popular amongst clinicians, abuse
Abuse victims have even been described as wanting to be abused
perpetrators and those influenced by abuse. Some of these explanations
HN a result of various unconscious motivations. Spouse abuse victims have
regard abusive behaviour as "functional" or as having a purpose or intent.
bi'-cn described as bringing on their own abuse and even as "masochistic"
Abusive behaviour may be seen as having conscious or unconscious intent
(Snell el al 1964). Some spouse abusers are puzzled by their partner's
either to achieve an instrumental goal or to maintain an unstable family
arrangement. Impotent and despairing behaviour:
.SVif just stood there and told me to hit her.
Some spouse abusers regard their violence as a justifiable form
In a similar way, the naive or coerced participation of victims of
of "correction" of their partner. Aspects of their partner's behaviour are
t'liild sexual abuse has been described as "seductive" and "pseudo-mature"
regarded as inexcusable, disloyal, disrespectful or stupid and hence
ftml as compensating for the mother's dysfunctional behaviour (Lustig et

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24
al 1966; Raphling et al 1967; Justice & Justice 1979). Sexual offenders may Another group of interactional theories suggest that abusive
explain: behaviour is not purposeful or "functional" but simply an inevitable
She wanted me to do it - she used to initiate it; consequence of dysfunctional patterns of relating within a family.
If she had said "No", I would have slopped. Most of these explanations propose that abuse occurs as a result
The abusive actions of some spouse abusers and rapists have of provocation by the victim or by some other person. Consequently,
been conceptualized as purposeful and motivated by "sadism", contempt spouse abuse may be explained and justified as behaviour provoked by the
for women and a desire to seek punishment and revenge (Yourell & perpetrator's wife:
McCabe 1988). Abusers are often described as lacking hi a sense of power She asked for it;
and control in their own lives and relationships (Finkelhor 1983; Gondolf She had it coming;
1985). Abusive actions may be seen to be motivated by an intent to What else could I do - she wouldn't listen;
compensate for feelings of inadequacy and powerlessness (Gondolf & She pushed me too far.
Hanneken 1987) or to establish dominance and authority and gain control The abuse victim may even share this belief in provocation and
by humiliating the victim and attempting to reduce her status (Dobash & remark:
Dobash 1979). / deserved it;
Theories of purpose or intent are not uncommon in I guess I had it coming to me;
interactional explanations of incestuous abuse of children. In many of How can I stop upsetting my husband?
these theories the mother is described as a weak, ineffective and The violent adolescent may self-righteously explain:
inadequate woman who is unable to meet the requirements of her role as He called me a dickhead;
a wife or mother and who "colludes" with the abuse by allowing her She turned off the TV during my favorite show.
daughter to take on certain aspects of her role. Having exchanged roles, A sexual offender may see himself as having been provoked by
with her daughter, the mother participates in maintaining a family secret. the "seductive" behaviour exhibited by the victim or the withholding of sex
In this way, incest is regarded as "functional" in holding an unstable family by his wife. Rape victims are sometimes seen as "asking for it". An
together (Lustig et al 1966; Machotka et al 1967; Rist 1979; Will 1983). Adolescent rapist explained:
The mother-daughter relationship is seen as critical in many explanations If she didn 't want to go all the way, she shouldn 't have started it in the first
of incestuous abuse. The incest victim may be seen as accepting the incest place.
as a substitute for her dysfunctional mother's inadequate nurturance, love Victims of sexual assault may even regard themselves as
and protection. provoking abuse:
Larson & Maddock (1986) have described a "typology of incest What did 1 do to encourage him/lead him on;
families based on the "function that the incest serves in a given family I shouldn't have talked to him/gone out with him.
system". Interactional explanations are commonly used, by clinicians and
An abusive adolescent's behaviour may be regarded as parents, to explain abusive behaviour in adolescents or children, (Madden
"functional" in distracting his parents' attention from their marital 1982). Many parents fear that they are in some way the cause of their
problems and uniting their concern in the service of helping their son. In offipring's abusive behaviour. Parents may be seen as too strict or even
this way an unstable marriage can be maintained (Haley 1963). iblinive and neglectful or alternatively not strict enough and not having set
•nough limits. Alternatively, they may be viewed as inconsistent in setting
Abuse as a Consequence of Dysfunctional Interaction llmllft. Adolescents are quick to attribute responsibility, for their own
ibliMVC behaviour, to their parents who are in turn likely to feel
i'onhidcruble guilt.

__ ._. - —
These theories draw on research which indicates that significant
Explanations of consequence often lead to unhelpful patterns of percentages of spouse and child abusers have either experienced or
thinking such as the confusion between violence and conflict. Physical witnessed abusive behaviour within their families. (Gelles 1980;
abuse often occurs in a context of escalating conflict between spouses Rosenbaum & O'Leary 1981; Perry et al 1983; Telch & Lindquist 1984;
(Straus et al 1980). Consequently, many spouse-abuse perpetrators and Rosenbaum 1986). Sexual offenders report unusually high percentages of
their partners regard violence as an inevitable consequence of an
childhood sexual victimization (Groth & Burgess 1979; de Young 1982).
escalating argument in which neither partner will back down. This theory Elaborate individual theories of psychological process are
suggests that physical violence is a natural and unavoidable progression
sometimes combined with developmental explanations of abuse. Child
from the verbal expression of conflict and that conflict will turn into
sexual abuse perpetrators who were sexually abused themselves as
violence once a certain threshold is reached. Violence is seen as a
children, may engage in a process of "identification with the aggressor".
quantitative step rather than a qualitative leap, in an argument. This belief
The abuser is seen to compensate for feelings of powerlessness and
is extremely restraining for the couple who can not feel free to argue
inadequacy associated with his victimization, by bullying or abusing others
without there being a risk of violence.
who are vulnerable and powerless, in a desperate effort to establish a
It is clear that interactional explanations can describe
sense of control and adequacy in his own life. (Groth et al, 1982).
relationship patterns and dynamics which are of considerable interest to Researchers, in their attempts to delineate characteristics of the
clinicians. As explanations of the cause of abusive behaviour, however,
families of male abuse perpetrators, have come up with a variety of
they are considerably limited. By locating the cause of the abuse within
diverse descriptions ranging from chaotic, disorganized, neglectful and
dysfunctional patterns of relating, responsibility or blame may be shared
unsupportive to enmeshed and overprotective. (Madden 1982).
with or even totally attributed to the victim or other family members. Learning theorists have described some of the behaviour of
Interactional explanations do not invite the perpetrator to accept full
abusive males in terms-of direct training and practice in abuse. Abusive
responsibility for his abusive behaviour. Feminist theorists have strongly
behaviour may be reinforced or rewarded by getting one's own way or
criticized family therapy approaches based on interactional explanations with sexual gratification. Some sexual offenders practice regularly by
because they fail to address abuse within a socio-cultural context and masturbating to fantasies of exploitative sexual behaviour (McGuire et al
because they fail to regard the perpetrator as totally responsible for his
1965; Saunders & Awad 1988).
abusive behaviour (Bograd 1984; Mclntyre 1984). Whilst developmental theories may be of intrinsic interest, they
do not necessarily invite the abuse perpetrator to take responsibility for his
DEVELOPMENTAL THEORIES OF ABUSE abusive actions. In fact, they can distract the perpetrator from this task, by
Many academic theories of abuse locate explanations within the inviting him to immerse himself in examination of his past experience.
developmental history of the perpetrator (and the victim and other family Some perpetrators regard developmental explanations as excuses or
members). Some abuse perpetrators explain their actions by referring to justifications for their behaviour and see themselves as victims of their
past experiences. pasts with limited options for change in the present. Explanations become
My dad always beat me when I was a kid. facile and unhelpful when they consist of statements like the following:
I was sexually abused myself when I was a child. I was abused as a child and this is why I abused my son.
Social learning theories describe violence in terms of learned
behaviour rather than psychopathology or character defect. Abusive SOCIO-CULTURAL THEORIES
behaviour is seen to be passed along families from generation to Socio-cultural explanations locale the causes of abuse within the
generation. Each generation learns about abuse by participating in an
social structures, traditions, norms and ideologies of the culture.
abusive family. Psychological mechanisms such as modelling and
reinforcement of violent behaviour are seen to mediate this learning.
Alan Jenkins
Invitations to Responsibility __ — —
~28~
Some of these theories posit that violence is built into the A T H E O R Y OF RESTRAINT
structure of Western society and the nuclear family (Gelles et al 1980;
Gelles & Cornell 1985). The organization of families in modern society is
described as conflict-ridden and social stresses such as unemployment,
poverty, homelessness, isolation and over-crowding are seen to predispose
individuals to abusive behaviour. Violence and abusive behaviour are seen
to be supported, sanctioned and institutionalized in the family and society.
Feminist theory has focused extensively on gender based According to this model, explanations or theories of abusive
inequalities of power, privilege and status within society and the family, as behaviour can be evaluated using three pragmatic criteria:
a cause of male abuse. Notions of male dominance and ownership and — Does the explanation help the perpetrator of the abuse to take
female subservience are seen to be reinforced by patriarchal social full responsibility for his abusive actions?
structures and an ideology of inferiority of women (Dobash & Dobash Does the explanation "point to" plausible and accessible
1979; Klein 1981; Schechter 1982; Bograd 1984). solutions for ceasing the abuse and resolving abuse-related
These theories propose that men are systematically socialized problems.
into violence as a problem solving technique and as a means of Is the explanation sensitive to all levels of context, from the
maintaining privilege in a sexist society. Consequently, they learn to resort individual to the socio-culturai in which the abuse occurs?
to the power of their fists or their genitals to achieve these goals. Whilst Explanations which are useful, invite the perpetrator to take
the individual motivations of abusers may be varied, violence and sexual responsibility, point to solutions and relate to all levels of context. They
assault serve as ways of demonstrating, power, control and ownership over locate the abuse in a variety of contexts and have social relevance as well
family members and therefore maintain the patriarchal social structure. AM clinical usefulness.
Socio-cultural theories of abuse point to the need for change in The causal explanations and theories previously reviewed have
social structures, cultural norms and ideologies in order to stop abusive differing degrees of usefulness when judged according to these criteria.
behaviour. Some theorists consider the issue of the individual's Some, in fact, can be quite unhelpful. Causal explanations tend to be
responsibility for his violence as an irrelevant consideration, given the bulled on questions like the following:
pervasive influence of socio-cultural factors. *- What causes Jack to abuse his wife?
»- Why do men abuse women and children?
Such questions lead to theories of limitation in which abuse is
|«on lo be caused by limitations which exist in individuals, families or
ftOCicty. Such theories invite individuals to consider themselves as passive
victims of circumstance, driven by internal or external forces towards
ftbilNivc behaviour. Consequently they become increasingly preoccupied
Wllh (heir own limitations and helplessness. Causal explanations tend to
ftimpelc with one another for truth and foster the attribution of blame to
the limitations which are seen to cause the problem. Such explanations can
have it self-fulfilling nature. When violence or abuse is regarded as an
Ifiknowlcdged or accepted response to stress, marital conflict etc. then
factors become "causes" of abuse.
_
Alan Jenkins
I have found it helpful to use a model which is based on a
the previous chapter (which, it was suggested, were unhelpful). The
theory of restraint or negative explanation (Bateson 1972, 1980; White
important distinction is that between explanation and restraint. There is a
1984, 1986a, 1986b) which generates questions like the following:
difference between proposing factors as causes or explanations, with the
What is stopping Jack from taking responsibility to relate
implication that they somehow "excuse" behaviour, and proposing similar
respectfully, sensitively and equitably with his wife?
ideas as factors that restrain men from taking responsibility for their
What is stopping Jack from taking responsibility for his abusive
behaviour.
behaviour?
This theory is based on the assumption that males will relate
SOCIO-CULTURAL RESTRAINTS
respectfully, sensitively and non abusively with others, unless restrained
from d6ing so. Restraints are traditions, habits, and beliefs which influence Western industrialized society is characterized by its highly
the ways that abusive males make sense of and participate in the world. competitive and hierarchical nature and an ideology of individualism or
They include factors which can prevent these men from taking individual achievement, as opposed to co-operation and inter-dependence
responsibilities to establish respectful and sensitive relationships in some (Levine 1986; Taubman 1986; Sommers-Flanagan & Walters 1987).
contexts and from accepting responsibility for their abusive behaviour. Individual self-esteem and personal success tend to be based on
Abusive males generally behave in ways which are quite consistent with a lust for status and power and the deification of these concepts. Such a
their restrained views of the world. recipe for individual status and success promotes the acquisition of
According to this model, restraints do not cause abusive property and of control and influence over others and the environment.
behaviour. When active and influential in mens* lives, they can prevent This ideology is well stated in a commonly used metaphor which refers to
these men from accepting responsibility for their own actions. Whilst it is feeling good about one's self as, 'being on top of the world'.
true that highly restrained men are more likely to engage in abusive This "status-lust" ideology fits with the notion of structuring
behaviour, the presence of restraining ideas does not guarantee that the society into a hierarchical series of "superior - subordinate" relationships.
man will abuse. For example, a man who was abused himself as a child, (Sommers-Flanagan & Waters 1987). "Superiors" have acquired greater
who is experiencing considerable financial and marital stress and who at status and are entitled to greater privilege as well as respect and deference
times drinks heavily, may not behave abusively and may relate respectfully from those in "subordinate" roles. These values are enshrined in the
to others in his family. If he does abuse, however, there is potential for the hierarchical relationships of our political, economic, familial and
development of restraining ideas which foster the attribution of educational systems.
responsibility for his actions to external factors. The lust for status and entitlement is often pursued with little
A theory of restraint tends to promote an active consideration regard or responsibility for the impact of these strivings on the welfare of
of alternatives to abuse and what has been stopping the male from others and the environment. In the pursuit of status or individual success,
engaging in them. He is invited to become pre-occupied with his own it is acceptable and even admirable to be 'aggressive' and to exploit or
competence in challenging restraining habits and ideas and discovering and take advantage of others 'weaknesses', in order to gain the upper hand or
practicing alternatives to abuse. He is always considered to be responsible the 'competitive edge'. This philosophy is evident in the worlds of political,
for his abusive behaviour and his contribution to relationships and is business and personal dealings. Those in "superior" roles understand that
discouraged from attributing blame and responsibility externally. they may need to defend their position against competitors. The world
Restraints may be examined at the four different levels of becomes conceptualized as a place where individuals are either winners
context. It may be noted in the following discussion of differing restraints, or losers, competing in an arena in which 'might is right'.
that some suggestions about ideas that operate as restraints appear little This blueprint for individual success tends to promote notions
different from some of the factors used as the basis of the explanations in of ownership of "subordinates" by "superiors" and the right to exercise
_ Alan Jenkins
33
power over "subordinates" for the fulfillment of individual needs. It likely to be punished if he takes some responsibility by
promotes competitive values at the expense of co-operative relationship acknowledging his guilt.
values such as empathy, respect, nurturance, trust, sensitivity, sharing, A rape victim was advised by the Police to move to another
altruism and equity. (Sommers-Flanagan & Waters 1987). state and change her name to avoid recrimination by the
Structures, norms and ideology which promote the individual convicted rapist.
pursuit of status and entitlement at the expense of responsibility for the Spouse abuse and child sexual assault victims are often obliged
welfare of others, are highly restraining influences for the development of to leave their homes for their own safety, following notification
respectful and sensitive relationships. of the abuse. The abuse perpetrator is not required to leave the
Certain forms of violence and sexual exploitation are legitimized home.
and sanctioned in our culture if they are seen to further a "noble" cause or .— A newspaper report of a court judgement regarding a domestic
provide a means to a "higher" end. Violence has often been used to defend homicide was titled, 'Wife Nags Herself to Death'.
or establish a political ideology or state. At such times individuals may be Western society and culture tolerates social inequities, values profit at
seen somewhat paradoxically as 'fighting for peace'. Violence has others' expense and legitimizes or fails to respond to certain forms of
frequently been sanctioned in order to punish criminal offenders or abuse, and consequently promotes values which are highly restraining to
political dissenters. Violence and sexual exploitation are legitimized and the development of mutuality, sensitivity and respect in relationships and
sanctioned as entertainment in sport, books and movies and in advertising the attribution of responsibility for abusive behaviour to the perpetrator of
(Roy 1982). the abuse.
Our educational, legal, political and religious systems often fail
to promote the attribution of responsibility for abusive behaviour to the Socio-citltiiral Restraints within the Family
perpetrator of that abuse, by failing to provide the necessary responses The family is a system which requires special focus when
and sanctions. There is a historical absence of clear cut legal prohibitions considering restraint and responsibility for abusive behaviour. The family
and penalties for the perpetrators of abusive behaviour (Russell 1984; is the social system where the failure to attribute responsibility to abuse
Prepper 1984). This is well evidenced in the following recent examples: perpetrators is probably most apparent. Within the family, the traditional
— Two fourteen year old boys who forcibly raped a girl at school distribution of status has been along gender and age lines. Husbands have
were suspended for a fortnight for "sexual harassment", whilst traditionally been regarded as "superior" to wives, males to females and
the girl felt obliged to leave the school. The educational parents to children. Those in "superior" roles have traditionally been
authorities were initially more concerned about protecting the attributed ownership rights over those in "subordinate" roles and have
boys "right to an education" than the rights and safety for girls been seen as entitled to greater privilege and deference and respect from
at the school. "subordinates". "Subordinates" have been expected to maintain the status
A fifteen year old girl who was sexually abused by an older quo by demonstrating loyalty and support to "superiors". In fact, a
family member was required to sit in a segregated area in her traditional criterion for individual success in the family has been the
church because the authorities feared she may 'pollute' other maintenance of loyalty, deference and respect from "subordinates". This
males in the congregation. promotes a reliance of "superiors" upon "subordinates" to maintain support
Our legal system deals with child sexual abuse allegations using and thus take responsibility for the maintenance of the "superiors'" self
an adversarial process in which a child's witness (and intellect) esteem.
is pitted against that of the alleged adult offender. There are long-standing historical and legal precedents which
In our legal system, it "pays" for a child sexual abuse offender to have sanctioned and legitimized violence and sexual exploitation of
deny his offences and call the child a liar because he is more "subordinates" by "superiors", within families (Rush 1980; Schechter 1982;

_
34
Prepper 1984; Gelles & Cornell 1985). Traditionally, "superiors" have had or can behave sexually towards another member. Men, women and
the right to chastise or discipline "subordinates" using physical violence, children in normal families are reported to engage in acts of violence
if they do not fulfil their 'obligations'. These rights have been challenged (Gelles et al 1980). Some violent and sexual behaviours are seen as
only in recent times with regard to marital violence and marital rape and normal and predictable aspects of the development of children. Violence
are still widely accepted in the discipline of children. Such discipline has is evident in tantrums, sibling rivalry and the establishment of pecking
traditionally been regarded as a necessary and appropriate means to an orders amongst children. Sexual curiosity and experimenting are regarded
end. "Superiors" have felt entitled to obedience. In fact, physical violence as normal between children in certain circumstances (Leitenberg et al
has been equated with love and caring: 1989).
This will hurt me more than it hurts you; Violence and sexual behaviour have the potential to become
I am doing this because I love you, persistent, intimidating and exploitative and hence abusive when
Not surprisingly, the victims of such discipline are regarded and perpetrated by individuals occupying "superior" roles in which they have
may even regard themselves as responsible for "bringing it on themselves". greater attributed status or power, greater physical strength and greater
Recent surveys indicate that significant percentages of both access to resources and knowledge. Abuse of any kind is characterized by
males and females regard physical violence in marriage as acceptable in a more powerful person taking advantage of a less powerful person
certain circumstances. (Gentemann 1984; Greenblatt 1985; Public Policy (Finkelhor 1983). The abuser's sense of entitlement overrides his or her
Research Centre 1988; Margolin et al 1989). Large numbers of males and sense of responsibility for the welfare and needs of the victim. The victim
females in-non-clinical surveys indicate experience of violence and coerced of the abuse generally experiences some form of entrapment and feels
sexual activity in dating relationships (Stets & Pirog-Good 1989). High unable to leave the context of the abuse. The perpetrator generally feels
percentages (40% - 50% of males in some studies) indicate approval of diminished responsibility for the abuse while the victim may assume some
coerced sexual activity in dating relationships and attribute responsibility of this responsibility. Not surprisingly, the distribution of abuse
to victims of rape in a variety of circumstances (Margolin et al 1989). corresponds to the distribution of status, both in families and in the wider
Margolin's research led her to conclude that, "as couples progress from a community (Finkelhor 1983; Prepper 1984).
first date to marriage, men gain support to violate their partner's consent".
Research on community attitudes to child abuse reveals that
child victims are also regarded as partly responsible for their own
victimization under certain circumstances (Roscoe et al 1985; Broussard
& Wagner 1988).
These attitudes when combined with the ideology of the privacy,
harmony and sanctity of the family and family life, reduce the likelihood
of external intervention to stop abuse and reality testing by victims of
abuse and other family members. (Straus et al 1980; Gelles & Cornell
1985). 'Accommodation syndromes' in abuse victims have been well
documented and reflect the successful attribution of responsibility for
abuse to the victim rather than the perpetrator (Finkelhor 1983). The
important role of secrecy in the maintenance of these patterns of
attribution, cannot be over-emphasized.
When does violence or sexual behaviour, within a family context,
constitute abuse and exploitation? Any member of a family can be violent

36 37
Restraints Relating to Gender Traditional recipes for masculinity which are consistent with the
Given the high prevalence of physically and sexually abusive gender division of responsibility and labor, also foster social-emotional
behaviour perpetrated by males, it is useful to examine socio-cultural avoidance and reliance. According to traditional gender roles, the male
restraints which relate to gender. Traditional patterns of gender role has the responsibility of the economic provider. He must perform, achieve
socialization for men (and women) promote values that are highly and compete in the outside world of work. His partner's traditional area
restraining for the development of respect and sensitivity in relationships of responsibility lies within the family - to nurture and take care of
and the acceptance of responsibility for abusive behaviour, by males. domestic duties. Consequently, a man may expect his partner to do the
Traditions, habits and beliefs which promote an imbalance work within the family and feel entitled to be "left in peace" and not
between males and females in perceived status and entitlement and in "hassled" or "nagged" by her.
responsibility for the social and emotional climate of relationships This traditional role prescribes an avoidance of intimacy,
(social-emotional responsibility), are seen as highly restraining for the nurturance and relationship responsibilities by the male. He is not
development of respectful, sensitive and equitable relationships. required to be emotionally expressive but expected to be calm and cool in
(Social-emotional responsibilities include responsibilities for intimacy, any crisis so that he can take the lead, solve problems in a rational way
nurturance, conflict resolution, empathy and sensitivity to others' needs and not let feelings get in the way. He may be a man of actions rather
and feelings, awareness and respect of others' rights and emotional than words. He is expected to be tough and competitive. He must also be
awareness and expression). guarded and defensive and not make himself vulnerable by taking
These traditions, habits and beliefs are well documented and emotional risks in which he "lays himself open" or "gives himself away".
remain influential in contemporary marital relationships (Krausz 1986; This gender stereotype is in fact a recipe for social and emotional
Baxter 1988). They prescribe restraints for males which include: incompetence and total reliance on a female partner for the social and
— an exaggerated sense of entitlement and status in emotional requirements of relationships.
relation to females and children. The relationship and intimacy skills promoted by the traditional
An avoidance of social-emotional responsibilities. female role stereotype, relate to parenting, nurturing, empathy, sensitivity
A reliance on others (especially females) to face and emotional expressiveness. A woman may develop verbal skills and
social-emotional responsibilities. must take on the responsibility of removing or resolving emotional
Traditional recipes for male self-esteem and success include the problems within the family. In fact, it is her obligation to nurture others
acquisition of status and power both within and outside the family. and alleviate their emotional burdens. Her happiness comes from fulfilling
Traditionally, males have been regarded as superior to females and have others' needs and she alone, is responsible for the success or failure of
occupied positions of dominance within the family with entitlement to marriage or family relationships.
exert a kind of ownership over family members who could be regarded as Since she is responsible for the family emotional climate, she is
"property". In this role, the male could expect obedience, submission and obliged to work hard to keep the family calm and to prevent stress,
deference from others who take a back seat in decision making. He is not disharmony and conflict. If there is disharmony then it is her
required to countenance any challenge to his authority and is entitled to responsibility. Consequently, other family members may rely on her to
expect support from other family members. Any challenge to his authority monitor their behaviour, remove stresses, "walk on egg shells" around
may be seen as deviant or disloyal. them and otherwise protect them from pressures of day to day living.
Allegiance to an ideology of ownership and superiority promotes Gender role prescriptions can be seen to be highly restraining
social-emotional avoidance and reliance on others to face these influences for abusive males taking responsibility for their abusive
responsibilities. The man's recipe for negotiation or conflict resolution is behaviour (Schechter 1982). Abusive males tend to take little responsibility
based on his reliance on others within the family to prevent conflict. for monitoring and regulating their own abusive behaviour and often

_
38
These restraints are reflected in beliefs and traditions regarding
male sexual entitlement and ownership of the partner's body. The female
partner should be available and is expected to provide for the male's
sexual needs. Many men are in fact convinced that they must have sex at
a certain frequency, otherwise some dreadful consequence will befall them.
This emphasis on entitlement promotes a reliance on the partner who is
held responsible for meeting the man's sexual needs.
Sexual conquest and performance are traditional criteria for
male self-esteem and reflect more general notions of male competition
and performance in the wider sphere. Russell (1984), refers to this aspect
of male gender role as the "virility mystique". According to the traditional
blueprint, men are meant to be virile and to experience sexual desire when
attracted by a woman (the "object" of desire) who has cultivated a
captivating sexual display. A large, ever-ready, ever-lasting, weapon-like
and infallible penis is a necessary accoutrement, in order to act on this
desire. The male with his superior knowledge is then able to orchestrate
sex and "turn on" his partner. The partner's sexuality will be experienced
more as a response to the male's initiative, rather than as desire in its own
right.
According to traditional gender recipes, the partner will be
younger, smaller, innocent, naive, deferring, inexperienced, virginal and
attribute responsibility to their partners for incidents of abuse. Partners
will not challenge the man's authority. Finkelhor & Lewis (1988), refer to
of abusive males may believe that they are responsible for preventing and
the consequences of this preference as the "sexualization of subordination".
controlling the man's abusive behaviour and for the consequences of the
It is noteworthy that this traditional recipe for a female sexual partner
abuse. This is evident when some victims of incestuous abuse appear to be
seems more a recipe for a child than one for an adult female.
less forgiving of and attribute more blame to their mothers for not
According to this recipe, conquest or the gaining of access to
protecting them, than to their fathers for abusing them.
women and the performance of astonishing sexual feats are all-important
Traditional gender stereotypes also provide highly restraining
in sex. Many men think in quantitative metaphors. Sexual activity is
influences on male sexual behaviour (Gross 1978; Zilbergeld 1978; Person
referred to as "scoring". Sexual pre-occupations relate to questions of how
1980; Hite 1981; Metcalf & Humphries 1985). These restraints have
often? How many? How long? How big? Quantity appears to more
special relevance for the consideration of abusive sexual behaviour of
relevant than quality. The partner must be "satisfied" according to the
males (Russell 1984; Fmkelhor & Lewis 1988).
man's definition and criteria for satisfaction. Sex and love may be
Traditional recipes for male self-esteem and success include
associated with aggression in this context. There are a variety of scenarios
notions of sexua! conquest and performance. Such notions promote highly
presented in popular literature and popular culture in which sexual activity
restraining habits and beliefs, which include a sense of male sexual
is seen as an aggressive act performed with a penis which is described as
entitlement, avoidance of social-emotional responsibilities with respect to
a weapon or assaultive object (Zilbergeld 1978).
sexuality and intimacy and a reliance on partners to take these
This recipe for sexual success promotes a high level of sexual
responsibilities.
preoccupation and a tendency for men to separate their sexual experience
Alan Jenkins
__ " 47
from an interpersonal or emotional context. The man is expected to be needs persuasion or even coercion. The scenario of the unwilling woman
able to perform under any circumstances and sex may appear to take on who really wants the sexual encounter in spite of herself, is coerced into
an independent life of its own. Penises are sometimes as seen as having it and then has a remarkable sexual experience for which she is eternally
minds of their own which are somewhat separate from their owner's. In grateful, is well represented in modern fiction and movies (Zilbergeld
this context, it is not surprising that pornography for males is far more 1978).
prevalent than pornography for females, given that the recipe promotes a Traditionally, women are seen as responsible for the sexual
tendency to objectify the partner ("the sex object") and to lack empathy for interest that they "attract". The woman attracts the male's attention and
her feelings. An excessive focus on sexual conquest and performance tends arouses him and once he is aroused, he has no choice but to follow
to promote high levels of self-centered sexual pre-occupation and a through with sexual activity. The woman is thus considered responsible for
tendency to avoid social-emotional responsibility hi relationships. the consequences of her initial attractiveness. The dilemma for the
In a context where emotional expression is restrained, one of the woman, in the context of these traditional gender roles, is that she must
few permissible emotional options for establishing intimacy is the attract male attention but at the same time avoid "leading males on",
expression of sexual arousal and sexual feelings. Consequently, the appearing "easy" or being a "prick teaser". It is not surprising that many
expression of sexual interest becomes a major way of attempting to victims of sexual assault accept some responsibility for the behaviour of
establish and contribute to intimacy in relationships. This leads to a their assaulter and ask:
tendency to "sexualize" needs for affirmation and closeness. The tendency What did I do/wear to provoke it?
to "over-sexualize" emotional needs is evident as a restraint to accepting Traditional gender recipes prescribe that social and emotional
responsibility for abusive behaviour with many sexual offenders. Some responsibilities in relationships should be accepted by female partners.
sexual offenders deal with experiences such as loneliness by contacting Female sexual partners may not only feel obligation to be available but
prostitutes or seeking other forms of impersonal sex. Many sexual also to respond to please their partners, regardless of their own feelings.
offenders engage in a higher frequency of impersonal sexual behaviour In other words, there may be an obligation to protect the male partner's
and sexual experience than non-offenders (Kanin 1985). feelings whilst sacrificing their own needs.
This notion is reflected in the explanations of some child sexual Patterns of abusive behaviour are generally quite consistent with
offenders: the dictates of traditional gender roles (Schechter 1982; Russell 1984;
/ loved her too much. Parker & Parker 1986; Finkelhor & Lewis 1988). In fact, Russell (1984),
I was only trying to love her. regards male rapists, child sexual offenders and sexual harassers as
In a similar way, some sexual harassment offenders explain their over-conforming, as opposed to deviant, in the context of traditional male
actions as attempts to establish relationships or intimacy with their victims. gender roles. She cites evidence to support the notion of a continuum of
Rapists have even been known to make proposals of marriage to their coercive sexual behaviour from that which is considered normal and
victims after the offence (Russell 1974). condoned, to that which is regarded as unacceptable or illegal. This
The recipe for sexual conquest and performance acts as a evidence is based on surveys of attitudes of normal men and women to the
restraint to men's view of their role in relationships and results in a use of coercion in sex (See also Check & Malamuth 1983; Jenkins &
tendency for men to avoid social-emotional responsibility for their own Dambrot 1987). Similar evidence has already been cited with respect to
sexual behaViour and rely on women to take this responsibility. attitudes regarding physical violence towards children and marriage
Traditionally, it has been the woman's responsibility to set limits in partners.
potential or actual sexual encounters and to act as "moral guardians". The The theory of restraint is helpful in understanding the
traditional male task is to test these limits and find ways around them in inconsistent and contradictory research evidence on the relationship
order to make a conquest. If the woman seems to be unwilling, then she between sex-role stereotyping and abusive behaviour in males. There is a

~ . _
large body of evidence which supports the view that abusive males have responsibility for his feelings and needs. The victim is generally expected
attitudes which are highly sex-role stereotyped (Burt 1980; Koss et al 1985; to keep the abuse secret and, in a variety of ways, take responsibility for
Malamuth 1986; Overholser & Beck 1986; Lisak & Roth 1988; Yourell & the male's behaviour (Finkelhor 1983; Sommers-Flanagan & Walters
McCabe 1988). There is another body of evidence which contradicts these 1987).
findings (Sattem et al 1984; Rosenbaum 1986; Gondolf & Henneken Traditional gender based differentials in status and entitlement
1987). and in roles and responsibilities for the maintenance of relationships and
It is helpful to consider gender role stereotyping as a restraining family life are highly restraining for both men and women developing
influence on abusive men as apposed to a static condition which influences respectful and sensitive relationships. They promote an avoidance of social
all abusive men in the same manner and which causes abusive behaviour. and emotional responsibility in men and a reliance on women to take
Gender role stereotypes prescribe a variety of ideas and behaviours which responsibility for aspects of family life including intimacy, parenting and
are in fact quite inconsistent and contradictory and which promote "gender conflict resolution.
role strain" (Taubman 1986). Recent evidence suggests that many abusive Traditional gender differentials promote a sense of entitlement
men have "undifferentiated" gender roles whereby they lack a clear gender at the expense of social and emotional responsibility in men. In the
identity. They regard themselves as failing in masculine pursuits and context of abusive behaviour, these gender based differentials fail to
achievement. Consequently, they are seen to adopt behaviour patterns that promote the acceptance of responsibility for abusive behaviour by the
are consistent with conceptions of what a man should be like (Groth & perpetrator of that abuse. Instead they encourage .the attribution of
Cohen 1976; Rosenbaum 1986; Taubman 1986; Gondolf & Hanneken responsibility to the victim and/or the offender's partner.
1987). There are various movements in our culture which are
Many abusive men do not regard themselves as having sexist or challenging the ideology of individual entitlement and the differentials
gender-stereotyped attitudes regarding women or children. They see inherent in traditional gender roles. However, traditional values are still
themselves as egalitarian and fair in their dealings with family members influential and restraining and our culture remains a context for disrespect
and often feel quite powerless even regarding their partners as oppressive, and social and emotional irresponsibility.
controlling and unfair. Some males do, of course contribute to relationships in sensitive,
A theory of restraint helps to explain the varied and pervasive respectful and non abusive ways, in spite of restraining social-cultural
influences of gender-role stereotypes and the heterogeneity in the influences. An examination of socio-cultural structures and traditions is
population of abusive men. Male abusers may range from quiet, passive helpful in understanding restraining influences on males and females as
men who tend to withdraw from conflict to domineering patriarchs who gender groups or as members of various social systems. In order to
engage in frequent displays of power and status. Gender-prescribed understand or explain the behaviour of individuals, it is helpful to examine
patterns of exaggerated entitlement and social-emotional avoidance and restraining influences at other levels of context.
reliance are evident, however, in both of these extremes.
Traditional gender roles are particularly restraining for abusive DEVELOPMENTAL CONTEXT
males in taking responsibility for their abusive behaviour. In all forms of
Males and females practise habits and patterns of relating, in
abuse, the abuser tends to focus on his own intent and his own feelings
family, school, peer group and other social systems, which either facilitate
and so lacks empathy or understanding of the effects of Ms actions upon
or impede the development of respectful and sensitive relationships. It is
the victim. The victim is treated as an object, dehumanized and his or her
evident that socio-cultural restraints are reflected in families and other
normal rights are disallowed. This lack of empathy is accompanied by
social systems. Some family, school and peer contexts reflect these values
justifications and an external attribution of responsibility. The abuser relies
more strongly than others. Individuals may practice highly restraining
on the victim to put up with the consequences of this exploitation and take
relationship habits in highly restraining social systems. Strongly gendered

__
45
family structures are likely to reinforce restraining ideas for males which An adolescent who behaves abusively in this context may be
promote an exaggerated sense of entitlement, avoidance of subject to excessive, inappropriate and abusive sanctions by caregivers or
social-emotional responsibility and habits of reliance on females for social alternatively no sanctions at all. Abusive behaviour may be ignored,
and emotional requirements. encouraged or even taught in the case of a thirteen year old boy who was
The confusing evidence regarding family characteristics of abuse physically instructed by his stepfather to sexually abuse his younger sister.
perpetrators is more easily understood when viewed in the context of a Such a context sets a strong precedent for locating the responsibility for
theory of restraint. Some families are characterized by "developmental abusive behaviour externally and attributing blame to others.
overloads", some by "developmental underloads" and some by inconsistent "Developmental underloads" are characteristic in families where
or unpredictable mixtures of the two, with respect to the context for facing caregivers appear to be oversensitive and over-responsive to their
social and emotional responsibilities. children's social and emotional requirements. In such families, boys appear
"Developmental overloads" exist in families where caregivers to be excessively reliant on caregivers (generally mothers) to face normal
appear to be insensitive or under-responsive to children's social and age-appropriate pressures, responsibilities and challenges.
emotional requirements. These conditions exist in families where boys are: Caregivers appear to excuse boys from responsibilities and apply
physically or sexually abused; few meaningful sanctions for irresponsible behaviour. One caregiver may
exposed to parental incompetence and neglect; form an alliance with the boy which is characterized by worrying about his
deprived of sensitive, respectful and nurturing caregiving welfare but excusing his behaviour. This alliance may exclude the other
especially "fathering"; caregiver who advocates harsher sanctions. Caregivers find themselves
exposed to abusive and disrespectful behaviour in their increasingly preoccupied with and concerned about their son's
caregiver's relationship; development and working harder in their attempts to remind, direct,
expected or allowed to take on inappropriate adult cajole, advise and influence him to take more responsibility, think more
responsibilities in the form of adult work or inappropriate before acting, be more considerate, less selfish and control his temper.
alliances with a parent (e.g. as a parent's companion or The boy, on the other hand, appears to take diminishing amounts of
confidant). responsibility for these areas of his development and "requires" more and
Such developmental overloads are highly restraining for boys in more direction and supervision.
facing social-emotional responsibilities. In this context, boys tend to develop a sense of entitlement and
These boys may experience little nurturance, trust, or self-centredness which far exceeds their sense of responsibility and concern
confirmation and respect of personal boundaries, and witness few of these for the welfare of others and other's needs and feelings. Increasingly they
qualities in their caregiver's relationship. They may not witness respectful avoid taking responsibility for their own actions and develop an excessive
ways of handling conflict and conflict resolution skills. They may be reliance on caregivers to worry about and take responsibility for their own
required to "grow themselves up" and develop survival or streetwise skills social and emotional requirements. Not surprisingly, these boys experience
not normally expected of children. Relationship skills best suited to increasing difficulties in handling pressure, disappointment and challenge
survival are based on competition and defensiveness rather than in relationships. They tend to blame others when things go wrong and
cooperation, nurturance and trust. Such overloads encourage boys to put experience a diminishing sense of competence.
energy into traditional male pursuits thus reinforcing socio-cultural If boys behave abusively in this context, caregivers are generally
restraints. In a context where it is "every man out for himself, boys are concerned but may not act in ways which help the boy to take
likely to practice habits which reflect a sense of entitlement that is out of responsibility for the abuse. Caregivers tend to become preoccupied with
step with social-emotional responsibility and regard for the welfare of the search for an explanation for the abusive behaviour and often look
others. towards themselves, feeling excessive guilt and responsibility. Alternatively

— _
they may look for an external explanation which tends to excuse the boy Membership of organizations such as the Military or Police
of responsibility. For example, parents of boys who sexually abuse younger Force can provide restraining influences for individual men in facing social
children, may refer to their behaviour as experimenting or curiosity and and emotional responsibilities (Shupe et al 1987). Such organizations are
fail to label it as abuse. They unwittingly condone the abusive behaviour characterized by rigid hierarchies of "superiors" and "subordinates" and the
in what they believe to be the interests of the boy's welfare. sanctioning of violence in certain circumstances.
Many caregivers, in this context, fail to apply meaningful
sanctions to abusive behaviour and take increasing amounts of INTERACTIONAL CONTEXT
responsibility themselves to try to prevent further occurrences. They worry Some men are able to contribute to respectful and sensitive
more and become increasingly vigilant, monitoring their son's temper and relationships with their partners and other family members in spite of
behaviour and "walking on egg shells" around him. As they take increasing highly restraining developmental backgrounds. Others, however, live in
responsibility, the boy tends, to become less vigilant and less likely to marriages and families which are characterized by highly restraining
monitor or take responsibility for his own actions. Abusive adolescent boys patterns of interaction. These patterns of interaction reflect and maintain
rely on their parents to tolerate and excuse behaviour that is at tunes socio-cultural restraints and developmental habits. Many men maintain a
grossly abusive and even life-threatening. sense of entitlement which is out of step with social and emotional
Many boys develop habits and values that restrain them from responsibility, as a result of restraining patterns of reliance on their
facing social and emotional responsibilities in their peer context. They may partners or other family members. They fail to "stand on their own feet"
compete in peer groups which specialise in teasing, bullying or sexual and face relationship pressures and responsibilities and consequently can
harassment of girls or younger boys. Restraining habits which involve maintain patterns of social and emotional irresponsibility and avoidance.
attempts to establish status and power at the expense of other's welfare In a marital relationship, patterns of reliance may be based on
and feelings, may be rehearsed and practised. imbalances in perceived status and entitlement or responsibility for
Others may be the victims of teasing, abuse and harassment and relationship and family life.
develop feelings of social inadequacy and habits of withdrawal and Patterns of reliance, based on imbalances of perceived status
isolation. Some of these boys retreat into a fantasy world in which they and entitlement are characteristic of "dominant - submissive" relationships
become preoccupied with traditional gender stereotyped scenarios of social (White 1984). In such relationships, a man may act as a domineering
success and status, dominance, sexual performance and vengeance. Many patriarch, propped up by a submissive partner who defers and protects
abuse perpetrators rehearse abusive or exploitative scenarios in fantasy. him from any challenge to his authority by any family member. Threats or
Sexual offenders may pair this rehearsal with masturbatory behaviour. perceived challenges to the man's authority or sense of entitlement are
These peer contexts promote an avoidance of social and generally countered with displays of status or power. The man tends to
emotional responsibilities, the pursuit of a sense of entitlement at the avoid conflict and avoids practicing conflict resolution skills by relying on
expense of others' welfare and the attribution of responsibility for abusive his partner to defuse conflict. He may attempt to influence or direct
behaviour to the victims of abuse. aspects of family life but avoids facing social and emotional responsibilities
Some school systems unwittingly promote restraining beliefs by in marriage and family life by relying on his partner and other family
failing to provide appropriate sanctions for abusive behaviour that is -members to protect him and do this work for him.
perpetrated by students within the school community. They ignore abusive In this context, abusive behaviour is generally associated with
behaviour or attempt to deal with it using conflict resolution techniques displays of power, status and dominance. The spouse abuser may be
that assume equal responsibility for the perpetrator and the victim. Such puzzled by his partner's "disloyal" or "errant" behaviour and may believe
schools inadvertently promote irresponsible and abusive behaviour by that it is his duty to "correct" her. The context of the abuse is one in which
failing to locate responsibility for the abuse with the perpetrator. he relies heavily on his partner to tolerate, excuse, ignore and forgive his
Invitations to Responsibility - Alan Jenkins

_
48
abusive behaviour. He relies on her to monitor his moods, feelings and his entitlement which is out of balance with social and emotional
potential for violence and to prevent conflict and violence by defusing responsibility. Abusive behaviour is seen to be justified when this sense of
risky situations. She is required to accept blame and take responsibility for entitlement is challenged or threatened and responsibility for the abuse is
his emotional state and his abusive actions. then attributed to an external source, generally the victim. In both
Patterns of reliance may be based on an imbalance in patterns, the abuser relies on his partner to face social-emotional
responsibility for marriage and family life. In this context, the man may pressures and responsibilities for both of them and to take responsibility
be quiet and passive and takes little initiative for any contribution to for. monitoring, preventing, tolerating and forgiving abusive behaviour.
marriage or family relationships. He relies on a more active partner to Many adolescents who behave abusively maintain an exaggerated
take initiative, orchestrate and organize aspects of family and marital life. sense of entitlement, a pattern of social and emotional avoidance and
(One exception to this pattern of imbalance may be the responsibility for reliance and a tendency to avoid accepting responsibility for abusive
sexual initiative). behaviour, as a result of their participation in families which are
When the man's sense of entitlement is threatened or characterized by restraining patterns of interaction. These patterns have
challenged, he tends to withdraw and to avoid conflict and pressure. At been detailed in the previous section in terms of developmental overloads
this time, he may become preoccupied with fantasies of dominance, sexual and underloads.
conquest or revenge. His partner tends to take increasing initiative to Both patterns of marital interaction restrain the development of
encourage, coach or cajole him into taking more active responsibility in respectful and sensitive relationships between men and children in
the marriage and family. These attempts are perceived as increasingly families. The man who relies on his partner to face social and emotional
threatening by the man and are met. with increasing withdrawal. This responsibilities, especially those for parenting, may feel:
withdrawal "invites" his partner to further pursue her attempts. What entitled to regard the children as his property, to expect
results is a vicious cycle of pursuit and withdrawal. unquestioned obedience and to impose unrealistic and
As a consequence, the man avoids facing social and emotional inappropriate expectations for their behaviour. He may feel
responsibilities and takes less and less initiative in marriage and family entitled to be free of their presence when it is inconvenient or
life. Intimacy skills and conflict resolution skills are neglected as he even to use the children for his own purposes - as sexual objects
practices dealing with conflict and pressure by withdrawal and avoidance. or scapegoats for his own frustrations and problems. This sense
He may resent his partner's initiatives but remains reliant on her to take of entitlement is evident in the explanations of some sexually
responsibility for social and emotional aspects of family and marital life. abusive males:
In this context, the spouse abuser may come to feel harassed or She is my daughter and I will do what I like with her;
nagged by his partner and "pushed beyond his limit". He may spend time I wanted her first sexual experience to be good;
intoxicating himself with self-righteous and vengeful thoughts prior to I was only teaching her about sex.
abusing his partner. The man may feel dejected and unappreciated and entitled "to turn to the children for love and affection", if feeling
see his partner as "a bottomless pit" whereby "it doesn't matter what I do, lonely, unappreciated or unloved. Some child sexual offenders
I can't satisfy her". He may experience himself as powerless and with no explain their actions:
other option and believe that his partner has provoked his abusive actions. / loved her too much;
In this way, responsibility is attributed to the partner who may herself I was only trying to be loving and close to her.
believe that "she asked for it". entitled to "turn to" and expect adult partner functions from the
The relationships of most male abusers generally involve a children, if a partner is absent, sick or sexually disinterested,
mixture of these two patterns - imbalance in status and responsibility. In dissatisfied or withdrawn. Some sexual offenders explain their
spite of their differences, both patterns serve to maintain a sense of behaviour:
_ Alan Jenkins
51
My wife wouldn't give me sex, so f turned to my daughter. criticizing and berating her mother for her "incompetence". Parent-child
Children occupy low status roles and are powerless and highly boundaries become more and more confused. Secrecy, loyalty and
dependent on caregivers. Hence they have little choice but to defer and allegiance are reinforced by this reality shaping, isolation from others and
are forced to take responsibility for the abusive man's feelings and needs. the shame and humiliation which the victim experiences. The resulting
The man is able to continue to use and rely on a child victim and victim compliance, protection and secrecy, safeguards any challenge to the
experiences little challenge to his social and emotional irresponsibility. man's sense of entitlement and his social and emotional irresponsibility.
Male abusers become increasingly reliant on victims, whether Responsibility for the abuse continues to be located with the victim.
adults or children, to face social and emotional pressures and
responsibilities for them and to take responsibility for the abusive
INDIVIDUAL CONTEXT
behaviour. Abuse is generally perpetrated in a context of exploitation
which is gradually developed over time and increasingly extends Socio-cultural, developmental and interactional restraints are
social-emotional avoidance and reliance, by encouraging the victim to reflected in the restraining habits and patterns of thinking of individual
accept more and more responsibility and experience an increasing sense abusive men who demonstrate a sense of entitlement which is out of step
of entrapment. with social and emotional responsibility. Many of the "characteristics" of
Abusive men often spend considerable time and energy abusive men observed by researchers are understandable in this context.
constructing such a reality for the victim. Abused wives are frequently told These "characteristics", however should not be regarded as fixed
they are incompetent, nagging, oversensitive and sexually dysfunctional. personality traits or static aspects of the man's character. They constitute
Following abusive acts, they may be treated kindly, indulged and promised patterns or habits in thinking and behaviour which are seen as inevitable
that they are loved and will not be harmed again. Physically abused consequences of the man's high levels of social-emotional avoidance and
children are often told that they are uncontrollable, bad or unlovable. reliance. Men who are practiced at avoiding social and emotional
They may be constantly expected to meet unrealistic and unobtainable responsibilities are likely to develop restraining patterns of thinking and
demands. Sexually abused children are often told that the abuse is normal behaviour which may be described in terms of:
and in fact an indication of the abuser's love and affection. Sexual abuse social-emotional "immaturity";
is often perpetrated in a context of general neglect and may be the only low self-esteem;
form of "affection" shown to the child. Sexual abuse perpetrators take self-intoxicating preoccupations and beliefs;
advantage of the trust inherent in the caregiver-child relationship and - misguided attempts to control abuse.
often gradually trick and deceive the child into participation in the abuse. These patterns reflect restraints at wider levels of context and
Sexually abused children are often invited to set limits on and even initiate are further restraining in themselves to men taking responsibility for their
sexual activity. Rewards and privileges may be bestowed in return. The actions.
process of constructing a reality for the victim is often evident in the Abusive males demonstrate a high degree of social-emotional
statements of offenders; "immaturity" especially in the context of the family. Many abusive men are
She wanted it too; quite competent in certain aspects of their life, especially work, but take
I would have stopped if she had said she didn't want me to do it; little responsibility for their own or others' social-emotional requirements
When she said she'd had enough, I always stopped; or needs. An inevitable consequence of social-emotional avoidance and
I said to her, 'This is wrong, we must stop it'. reliance will be high levels of self-centred and insensitive behaviour and
Sexually abused children are often invited to form inappropriate thinking, in certain contexts. The man may "forget" or fail to consider
alliances with the abuser in which favors are given and from which the others feelings and take little responsibility for intimacy and conflict
child's mother may be excluded. The child victim may be invited to join in resolution. This "immaturity", however, may not be as evident in other less
restraining contexts.
52 _
associated with status, control, closeness and affirmation, is evident with
Low self-esteem is also characteristic of many abusive males
many sexual offenders, who try to meet many of their emotional
who tend to be highly preoccupied with their own sense of personal
requirements with sexual behaviour and initiatives. Sexual offenders tend
competence and adequacy. Low self esteem is not a fixed trait and can be
to have misguided sexual beliefs and fears which relate to traditional
quite dependent on context. Some men, for example, feel competent and
mythology about male sexual performance just as spouse abusers may
adequate in their work but not in their families. Although they may occupy
subscribe to misguided beliefs and traditional mythology about anger,
high status roles, many abusers do not feel powerful in aspects of their day
conflict and violence in relationships.
to day lives and especially prior to acts of abusive behaviour. In fact, many
Abusive males are generally highly restrained by their own well-
abusers feel powerless, threatened and impotent and believe that they may
intentioned yet unhelpful and misguided attempts to control their abuse.
be losing control of members of their families or of themselves (Finkelhor,
These attempts are of course determined to a large extent by the
1983). Traditionally men are expected to be independent and in control of
restraining individual theories and explanations of abuse to which the men
their own lives. However, most abusive men have established a reliance on
subscribe. Misguided attempts tend to be based on patterns of avoidance
others to face social and emotional responsibilities and pressures, set
of responsibility for abusive behaviour and patterns of distraction from and
limits and prevent abusive behaviour. This reliance on others tends to
avoidance of the abuser's own experience. This is consistent with the
place control of the man's life in the hands of others and leads to feelings
tendency to rely on others to take responsibility for the abuse.
of insecurity and anxiety. Abusive males have often abdicated
Most abusive males fail to attend to their own experience which
responsibility for their own sense of well-being and consequently feel
precedes abusive acts. Spouse abusers often describe themselves as
somewhat at the mercy of others they rely on.
inexplicably and suddenly moving from a calm a state to an abusive state.
Many abusive acts are associated with overt displays of status
They spend little time thinking about and noticing the process of
and power and occur in a context where ihc ubuscr feels threatened,
self-intoxication as they escalate their own self-righteous thinking, feelings
inadequate or that he is losing control. Altcrn;tlivcly, abusive acts may be
of blame towards their partners and self-justification of violence, prior to
associated with covert experiences in which men arc preoccupied with
fantasies of dominance, idealized admiration and success, sexual acts of violent abuse.
In a similar way, child sexual offenders fail to think about and
performance or vengeance - often in sharp contrast with their real life
experience. attend to the process of self-intoxication that accompanies escalating
Sexual offenders often describe their sexual interest in the child irresponsible sexual preoccupations, plans, fantasies and initiatives.
Most abusive men only think about their abusive actions
victim in terms of preoccupation with status and interpersonal confidence.
immediately after an occurrence of abuse. Feelings of guilt, remorse and
They describe themselves as being attracted to the child's size, naivety,
shame may be felt at such times for short periods. These feelings and
vulnerability and deference. When asked about their choice, most describe
the child as "easy", available and accessible. Some make statements like, experiences are painful and difficult to face. Consequently, they tend to be
quickly pushed out of experience and avoided. Justifications, which excuse
"I felt that I was satisfying her/giving her pleasure", "She was easily
the abusive behaviour and shift responsibility elsewhere, are soon
satisfied" and that there were "no pressures" and "no demands".
developed. The abusive male may then quickly "forget" his painful
Abusive men are restrained by their own self intoxicating
experience. Consequently, he is unlikely to face up to and take
preoccupations and beliefs. These ideas arc, of course, closely related to
responsibility for his actions or to consider their impact upon the victim.
their own causal explanations of the abusive behaviour. Spouse abusers
In this way, he fails to limit his own abusive behaviour and relies on others
often spend considerable periods of lime preoccupied with self-righteous
thinking and their partner's "injustices" and many sexual offenders show to monitor and limit it for him.
Many abusive males try to control their abusive actions by
high levels of sexual preoccupation and sexual behaviour of low
focusing on emotional states which they confuse with the abusive actions
interpersonal demand. A tendency lo "scxnali/c" needs and feelings
Alan Jenkins
Invitations to Responsibility-
— 55
themselves. Spouse abusers may believe that to stop violence they must
a sense of ultimate responsibility for the creation and
stop feeling angry. Consequently, they try hard to avoid the experience of
maintenance of the social-emotional climate in the relationship;
anger but take little responsibility to cease their violence. In a similar way,
a sense of responsibility for the causation, prevention or
sexual offenders may confuse the experience of sexual interest with
consequence's of her partner's violence and abuse;
abusive behaviour. These men try to avoid the experience of sexual
a sense of entrapment or inability to leave the abusive context.
interest and to distract themselves from it, in an attempt to control the
Consequently, patterns of imbalance in perceived status and
abusive behaviour. These strategies are invariably unsuccessful and serve
responsibility between partners often exist in relationships which are
to alienate the man from his own experience so that he feels more "under
characterized by male violence and abuse.
the influence" of his feelings or urges and less likely to take steps to
A theory of restraint may be extremely helpful when working
control his actions.
with abusive men and members of their families. I work from the
assumption that these men do not want to hurt or abuse others and that
IMPLICATIONS OF A THEORY OF RESTRAINT
they do want caring and respectful relationships. Instead of accepting the
I have found causal explanations of abuse, and the search to abuse perpetrator's "invitation" to search for the cause of the abuse, I am
discover them, to be highly restraining for men in taking responsibility for able to invite him to consider:
abusive behaviour and in learning to contribute respectfully and sensitively What has stopped him in the past from taking responsibility for
in their relationships with others. However, causal theories often relate to his abuse?
parameters of cultural structures and traditions, developmental What has stopped him from taking responsibility to develop
backgrounds, relationship patterns and patterns of individual thinking and sensitive and respectful relationships with the victim and other
behaviour which are helpful in understanding and intervention in abuse, family members?
when considered in the context of a theory of restraint. These parameters In this way, it remains clear in the therapeutic context, that I
are seen as restraints to responsibility rather than causes of abusive regard the abuse perpetrator as responsible for his abusive behaviour. At
behaviour. The more restraints that are active, the less likely the man is the same time, I can invite my client to examine restraints to his
to take responsibility. acceptance of these responsibilities without the risk of unwittingly
Abuse and exploitation are perpetrated in a context where the encouraging him to attribute responsibility to "causal" factors.
man's sense of entitlement overrides his sense of social-emotional The abuse perpetrator can be invited to examine and challenge
responsibility in relation to others. This context exists for a male when he restraints which range from socio-cultural and developmental traditions
holds highly restrained beliefs and values that foster: and blueprints by which he may have been unwittingly "sucked in " and
— an exaggerated sense of entitlement in relation to others; patterns of interaction whereby he has relied on others to face social and
the avoidance of social-emotional responsibilities in emotional responsibilities and take responsibility for his abusive behaviour,
relationships; to restraining individual habits, beliefs and misguided attempts to deal
reliance on others to face these responsibilities in relationships; with abuse.
the attribution of responsibility for abusive behaviour to other I am also able to work with other family members and invite
persons, events or factors over which he feels he has little them to challenge restraining patterns of interaction and habits of
influence or control. accepting responsibility for the abusive male's behaviour. In this way, I can
His partner may also hold highly restraining beliefs and values address relationship dynamics in families without the risk of attributing
which foster: responsibility for abusive behaviour to non-abusive family members.
a sense of female submissiveness or deference in relation to her
partner;
Alan Jenkins
_
56
Explanations based on a theo/y of restraint tend to promote
helpful solutions in the form of responsible actions. If the abusive male
has failed to take responsibility in these areas:
if ne has failed to face up to and accept responsibility for his
PART II
abusive behaviour;
if he has failed to face social and emotional pressures and
responsibilities;
jf he has relied on others to lace his social and emotional
pressures and responsibilities for h i m ; THE PROCESS OF ENGAGEMENT
then the solution is obvious. He must lace these pressures and OF MEN WHO ABUSE
responsibilities himself. A therapeutic strategy on be devised around the THEIR PARTNERS
concept of responsibility, in which the therapist's role is to decline
"invitations" by the abuse perpetrator to allribulc responsibility to external
factors and invite him to accept responsibility himself.
7 now know that I him you more than I ever realised.

It wasn't just the violence. I blamed yon for everything
that I couldn't hack. I was always right and treated yon
like shit. I made you cany the can for everything I
couldn't face. I took advantage of your love and all the
time I was weak enough to think that it was me who
was hard done by."
Excerpt from a letter written by an

abusive man to his wife, 1990
_ Alan Jenkins
59
INTRODUCTION Both kinds of invitation may lead others to participate in the
problem and perpetuate interactional restraints to responsibility.
Consequently, the man is likely to have well established habits of reliance
on others to take initiative, accept responsibility for his violence and work
harder than himself to attend to it. There may be a wide circle of others
who attend to the violence, including his partner, family members, friends,
police, welfare workers and counsellors. Such a cycle of imbalance in
responsibility is likely to have escalated over time, whereby the harder
The abusive man will come to therapy willi a story to tell and
others work to attend to the violence, the less responsibility he takes to
explanations of his violence and events in his rclalion.shi|> which are quite
attend to it himself. In other words, he is likely to have matched the
consistent with his restrained beliefs. He is likely lo w;uit lo cease his
increasing responsibility of others with increasing irresponsibility himself.
violence. However, he is also likely to be well practised at avoiding
In a counselling setting, the abusive man will inevitably approach
responsibility for his actions and attributing this lesponsibilily to external
the therapist with similar explicit invitations to attribute responsibility
events or factors over which he feels he has link- influence. Attempts to
externally and confirm his restrained views, along with the more implicit
address his violence will have tended to involve iillcmpls to invite others
"invitations" for the therapist to attend to and take greater responsibility
to take responsibility on his behalf. These invilalioiis nuy be thought of in
for the violence. The invitations, both explicit and implicit, may be
two ways:
especially pronounced if the man has made the appointment as a result
Explicit invitations to his partner ;m<l others to accept his
of external pressures or others' initiatives, such as his partner leaving the
viewpoints, attribute responsibility exter n;il!y mul ignore, excuse,
relationship or presenting him with an ultimatum to attend counselling, or
minimise, tolerate, accept blame, In- "inulersliimling" or forgive
as a result of police, justice system or extended family initiatives.
the violence. These invitations arc based on expressed
It is consistent with the long established pattern of
expectations and are generally given in the form of direct
mis-attribution and avoidance of responsibility for violence, that others are
requests.
likely to have taken the responsibility to initiate therapy for the man. Not
Implicit invitations to his partner mid others to accept
surprisingly, he may feel distressed and resentful at being coerced to see
responsibility and attend to his violence lot him. The man may
a therapist and is likely to present in a manner which appears to be highly
not be aware of these "invitations" w h i c h HIT implied from his
irresponsible.
inactivity and failure to take respoir,idle ml ion in the face of his
In this context, particularly when the therapist is aware of the
violence. This inactivity provides a somewhat irresistible
nature of the abuse, the man's implicit "invitations" for the therapist to
"invitation" to others who wanl lo i n f l u e n c e his behaviour, to
take greater responsibility in attending to the violence, can feel somewhat
step into the void of responsibilily in (he mint's life and try to
take action on his behalf. irresistible.
The therapist may be tempted to accept responsibility by:
Others may have attended to his violence hy;
-- directly challenging and confronting the man's explanations;
experiencing worry and coiuein itlioul Ihc violence;
— giving advice to stop abusive behaviour and engage in more
taking initiative to advise, i n n l r o n l or Iry (o set limits
responsible behaviour;
on his behaviour;
— putting strong arguments against violence;
trying to prevent onlbmsls nl hU violence;
— trying to "break down his denial";
trying to remove pressnie.s ;unl rlitillengCK from his life;
— criticizing or castigating the client for his behaviour;
trying to calm him down;
- — expressing shock and outrage at his actions.
maintaining secrecy ;il>oul (he violence.

_
60
In this way, the therapist may, with the best of intentions, The following nine steps constitute the model for engagement
proceed to argue strongly against violence and for responsibility with the with abusive and violent men.
man who is in turn "invited" and feels compelled to retell his original story invite the man to address his violence;
and express his restrained explanations again with greater vigour, intensity invite the man to argue for a non-violent relationship;
and conviction, thus becoming further entrenched in his own unhelpful invite the man to examine his misguided efforts to contribute to
ideas. the relationship;
The therapist may find him/hcrseJf arguing more and more - invite the man to identify time trends in the relationship;
strongly for responsibility with an increasingly "resistant" client who invite the man to externalize restraints;
appears to be taking less and less responsibility for himself. deliver irresistible invitations to challenge restraints;
In trying to avoid such invitations, I have sought ways to invite invite the man to consider his readiness to take new action;
the man to take responsibility for his own abusive behaviour, and to: facilitate the planning of new action;
discover and clarify his own goals in the relationship; facilitate the discovery of new action.
address his own violence; I have found this model to be helpful in helping abusive men to
reconsider the issue of responsibility for his violence; challenge their restraining ideas and patterns of behaviour, enabling them
__- challenge restraints to accepting responsibility for the violence. to discover more respectful and sensitive ways of relating with their
The man is also invited to examine his own blueprint for partners. Abusive men and their partners can challenge unhelpful patterns
relating to others and to discover his own capacity for contributing to of attribution of responsibility for violence, thus freeing the men to take
relationships in respectful and non-abusive ways. responsibility for their own behaviour and both partners to discover more
Central to the model is a process of engagement which is equitable and respectful ways of relating. In particular, the man can take
utilized in all stages of therapy. In this process, (he therapist endeavors to charge of the process of change by making his own arguments for
act according to the following three principles; responsibility and discovering his own ways of translating them into new
:__ Decline explicit invitations to attribute responsibility for violence action. The therapist is able to act as a consultant who feeds back
to factors beyond the man's influence and implicit "invitations" information and invites the man to attribute meaning to his behaviour and
to take responsibility for the man's violence and attend to it for experience. In this way, the therapist can avoid problems centred around
him. ideas of "resistance" and facilitate the man to discover new directions in
Invite the man to challenge restraints to acceptance of his own life.
responsibility for his own actions.
Acknowledge and highlight evidence of the man's acceptance of
responsibility for his actions.
The process of engagement is designed to locate responsibility
for the man's realizations and achievements within himself, so that he can
more readily own and incorporate his capacity for change. In this way, the
therapist can facilitate change with "unmotivated" clients and minimise
problems with "resistance". This process is in keeping with a major
assumption, that only the abusive man himself can change his beliefs and
behaviour. The style of questioning used in this approach has been
influenced extively by ideas on therapeutic process developed by Michael
White (1988).

_
62
INVITE THE MAN TO ADDRESS HIS Or to attribute blame to external factors such as marriage
VIOLENCE problems, work stress, alcohol or his partner's behaviour:
She provoked me;
She doesn't know when enough is enough;
If she wasn't so ... I wouldn't need to hit her.
Many men deny the likelihood of further violence despite an
absence of realistic plans for the future:
It won't happen again;
I find it helpful to invite the man to address his violence early I've made a promise to myself.
in the initial contact. This helps challenge issues of secrecy and enables The man may acknowledge the existence of his violence but
the therapist to decline invitations to ignore, de-emphasize or minimise invite the therapist to take responsibility by attributing blame to aspects of
violence as an issue. The therapist is then less likely to accept his character or personality over which he feels he has little influence:
responsibility for the man, by inadvertently colluding with his tendency to I've inherited my dad's temper;
avoid talking about the violence or to protect him from facing the I just snapped -1 lost control;
consequences of his own actions. The issue of violence can be rapidly I've got a short fuse;
established as a priority which must be addressed before other issues or or by presenting in a helpless and pathetic state, begging for advice.
problems in the relationship can be faced. Relationship issues and Some men present with invitations and expectations for the
problems are unlikely to be addressed let alone resolved, unless both therapist to embark on a quest of searching for the elusive "cause" of their
partners feel safe in expressing their views. violence:
When asked to explain his reasons for attending, the man may // only I knew why I hit her.
be disinclined to acknowledge the existence of his violence. He may The fruitlessness of such quests for deep underlying reasons has
attribute responsibility for his attendance to others: been discussed previously (See Part I).
/ was told to come; It is necessary for the therapist to decline these invitations to
It was my wife's idea; attribute blame and disregard or minimise violence, in order to talk about
I don't know - you tell me. "the real problem".
Alternatively, he may invite the therapist to focus attention on I find it helpful to interrupt the man, if necessary, and ask him
problems other than violence. These may relate to his wife's "unreasonable to "help me understand" the events which led up to him making an
behaviour": appointment at this time. The therapist can focus on clarification of details
She can't just walk out after 15 years of marriage; of these events, particularly if they include recent episodes of violence.
She's got the problem - she should be here" This may include step by step details of who did what, when, where, and
or securing her return home or to the marriage; how at various points in time. In particular, I am interested in
We argue a lot; understanding the meanings that the man has attributed to each of these
We've got communication problems. events - the nature of his experience: "What did you think when Jill said
These statements will tend to be accompanied by a tendency to ...?" and the meanings he believes that his partner has attributed to each
deny or minimise the nature and significance of (he violence: of these events - his perception of his partner's experience: "What did you
Our problem isn't violence, it's her pushiness; think Jill thought when you said ...?"
I'm not a violent man -1 don't really hurt her; If his wife has left or issued ultimatums following episodes of
I only gave her a tap. violence, I am interested in what this has meant to him and how it has
invitations to Responsibility
— Alan Jenkins
_
affected him, as well as what he thinks her stands have meant to his wife. it in the eye so that they can do something about it - let alone come and see
I decline the invitation to discuss whether or not the violence is justified. a counsellor;
The therapist may invite the man to participate in this discussion A lot of men beat around the bush and never find the courage to mention
and attend to his violence by: their violence - many can't handle the feelings that come up inside when they
avoiding criticism of his explanations; start to face up and so they cop out instead or try to run away from it;
apologizing for interruptions and the need to ask so many What do you think it says about you that you are here today?
questions; The man may deny that his initiatives had any thing to do with
explaining the therapist's lack of knowledge about the situation his attendance. The therapist may respond:
and the need to understand more fully before being able to Come on - a lot of men wouldn't come within one mile of this place, no
know how s/he can best help or offer comments; matter how much they were told or threatened by others - let alone talk about
-- asking permission to ask further questions about events. their violence. I've heard of men who sit out in their cars unable to pluck up
The therapist may discuss the process of the interview with the the courage to enter the building.
man by asking, "Can you handle me asking about ...?" This form of asking It must have taken a lot of courage to walk through this door.
permission invites the man to take some responsibility for the content of You must have felt like shooting through.
what is discussed and also to challenge himself about his ability to discuss How did you succeed here today? .
sensitive issues such as incidents of violence. The therapist may express respect for the man's facing up by
The therapist should be vigilant, throughout the initial contact, selecting out and clarifying details of any evidence of responsibility that he
for any evidence of the man's acceptance of responsibility for violence and shows. By and large, each of the man's attempts to avoid responsibility in
his attendance at therapy - no matter how small or seemingly trivial. Any the session are interrupted with invitations to face up rather than
such evidence is acknowledged and highlighted by the therapist as commented on or challenged directly.
evidence of facing up to responsibility. The man is invited to attribute
meaning to this evidence. For example, if the man accepts the therapist's
invitation to talk about his violence, the therapist may draw his attention
to the meaning and significance of the process in which he is engaging:
Are you sure you can handle talking about your violence?
It isn't easy - it takes a lot of courage to face up to the fact that you really
hurt someone you love;
How does it effect you to talk about your violence?
He may be invited to contrast his facing up in the session with
his behaviour on other occasions or with the behaviour of others and then
to notice differences and attribute meaning to new events:
Is this the first time you have talked about your violence and how it really
takes you feel, in a honest way with another person?
W]\at does it say about you as a man/your strength/guts, that you are here
today and telling me about your violence?
Many men deeply regret hurting their loved ones and want to stop it - but
most of them find it too difficult to face up to what they have done - to look

66 67
INVITE THE MAN TO ARGUE FOR Implicit in these explanations is a desire for a relationship which
A NON-VIOLENT RELATIONSHIP is harmonious, loving, caring, respectful and non-violent. Most abusive
men that I have met do not want relationships that are characterized by
violence and would prefer non-abusive, mutually respectful and caring
relationships with their partners. These goals may be contrasted with
restrained recipes for relating. Such recipes prescribe attempts to achieve
goals and expectations of partners which are unrealistic, misguided and
unhelpful.
The man may accept some of the therapist's invitations to notice In his attempts to solve problems in the relationship, the man
and attribute meaning to his "facing up" in therapy. He may even notice a looks increasingly to his restrained blueprint for relating and tries to make
difference between his experience in facing up and when he is influenced his experience and events fit, only to find his problems escalating. He may
by his restrained beliefs and explanations. However, he is likely to experience an increasing sense of impotence and powerlessness at the
continue attempts to invite the therapist to minimise violence and attribute ineffectiveness of his own efforts as he tries harder to contribute to a
responsibility to external factors. The therapist could regard these respectful and caring relationship using a blueprint which leads only to
continued invitations as indications of the man's "true" selfish, uncaring, escalating disrespect, distance and desperation. He may be extremely
and malicious nature, and accept the implicit "invitation" to take distressed by his violence and deeply regret his abusive actions. However,
responsibility and "correct" him. Alternatively, the model of restraint may his restrained viewpoint prevents him from accepting responsibility and
be called upon to orient the therapist towards different ways of viewing
i finding effective ways to cease violence. His efforts to help and solve the
the man's experience and behaviour. In particular, the therapist may invite problem tend to become the problem itself.
the man to examine his own goals, with respect to his relationship and his I find it helpful at first to invite the man to attend to his goals
violence. and desires for his relationship and allow him the opportunity to put
The man may be regarded as behaving in a way which is totally forward arguments for a non-violent relationship.
consistent with restrained beliefs which determine the nature of his efforts; When the man is preoccupied with his partner's "unreasonable"
to make sense of his own and his partner's behaviour, to contribute to his actions and argues that she should be attending therapy, returning home,
relationship, to deal with differences and conflict in the relationship and behaving more loyally etc., the therapist may attend to his desperation
to control violence. In effect, he is sharing his blueprint for relating and and feelings of insecurity as follows:
making sense of his own experience with his partner and inviting the "I'm hearing one thing loud and clear - it sounds like this marriage is very
therapist to confirm his restrained beliefs. He may regard his partner as important to you - it sounds like you don't want to lose it - you don't want
unsupportive, uncaring, disloyal, unreasonable, selfish or provocative. He Jill to leave".
may feel hurt, betrayed or disrespected. He may believe that he is trying This approach is illustrated in the following transcript of therapy
to "correct" her or that he is "driven beyond his limit". Consequently, he with a man whose partner who left him following incidents of violence:
experiences his violence as "triggered" by her and believes that it will cease Client: I've got some problems in my marriage - we had a fight and
only if she changes her ways. my wife walked out. I tried to get her to come and talk to you
Alternatively, he may believe that it won't happen again because ... we've got to face this together... perhaps you could talk to
he is now feeling deeply about it, because he doesn't want it to happen her... I can't seem to get through to her.
again or because it is best to put it behind him and look to the future. He Therapist: Wliy did your wife leave?
believes that his hopes and good intentions will be sufficient. Client: I can't understand it... I know there are some problems but
Consequently, it is not necessary to talk about it. you can't just run away from them.
_ Alan Jenkins
69
Therapist: Wliat reason did she give for leaving? non-violent relationship and avoid "inviting resistance" from the man, yet
Client: Well she said it's because I hoofed her ... but it's more than still bring the issue of violence into focus:
that ... everyone has fights ... I dunno, maybe she's on with Do you want your marriage to include violence or do you want a
someone else. violence-free marriage?
Therapist: How did you boofher? Do you want a marriage in which Jill feels safe with you or frightened of
Client: (angrily) O.K. I know sometimes I go a bit far ... but that's you?
behind me now. She's been listening to her bloody girlfriend If the man argues for a violence-free marriage, the therapist can
too much. invite him to further challenge his restraining views and consider even
Therapist: How are you hoping I can help you? stronger arguments for responsibility:
Client: Talk to her ... get her to come here and see you ... she thinks Are you sure? Some men think its fair game to bash their wives - some men
I've got a problem ... she should be here ... she can't just walk think its a good way to let off tension, like hitting a punching bag. Some men
out of twelve years of marriage and the family. think that it's what wives are therefor- it doesn't matter if someone gets hurt
Therapist: I guess you've tried pretty hard to convince her to come back? - that's just too bad.
Client: Of course. When the man is arguing that his violence will not reoccur, I
Therapist: How have you tried to convince her to come back? find it helpful to distinguish between his goals and desire for no further
Client: I've rung her... sent letters ... I've told her what she's doing to violence and his plans to ensure that these goals are achieved. I can
the kids ... I've gone to her parents and told them what she's respect his desire and his goals whilst declining to accept his view that
doing to me and the kids ... I just can't get through to her. violence will not reoccur in the absence of well made plans. He can be
Therapist: // sounds like you've tried just about everything you can think invited to consider planning to ensure that he does achieve his goals:
of to get her to come back ... and you're getting pretty I'm hearing loud and clear that you don't want to use violence again and
desperate. Tliis marriage is extremely important to you? that you believe you have put it behind you. You seem to be telling me that
Client: (tearful) Of course it is. you don't want a marriage with violence.
Therapist: Perhaps the most important thing to you now? Can you help me understand how you came to that decision?
Client: (nods tearfully) Have you made a decision like it before?
Therapist: / know that you want to see if you can get back together with How is different this time?
Jill. There are two things I need you to help me understand so Wliat sort of plans have you made?
I'm properly in the picture. Tiie first thing I need to understand Do you want to quit violence under all circumstances or do you want to hang
is what kind of marriage you want to have with Jill? Tlie on to a little for certain occasions?
second thing is what kind of marriage you have had in the Would you like to be able to handle any argument without resorting to
past? . violence?
The therapist may then ask permission to enquire about the Even if you think Jill is totally unreasonable?
man's goals for his relationship: Even if you feel provoked?
Could you help me understand what kind of marriage you want with Jill? Are you sure? Some men think that there are certain things a woman
The therapist may ask questions which invite the man to deserves to be thumped for. Some men think a wife won't respect a husband
consider new options for his relationship for the first time and to put his who doesn't hit her occasionally.
own arguments for the kind of relationship that he wants. In this way, the The therapist may invite the man to consider his goals as they
therapist can decline the implicit "invitation" to put arguments for a relate to mutual respect, trust and love tn the relationship:

To 71
commence and continue a process of challenging and rejecting previously
Do you want a marriage in which you both feel respected by each other and
restraining ideas.
satisfied with each other?
Do you want a marriage in which you enjoy each other's company or tolerate
each other's company?
I understand that you want to stay together but do you want a marriage
where Jill stays with you/comes back to you because she wants to - out of
love and respect or because she feels she has to - out of fear or duty?
Are you sure? Some men think that women ought to just do what they are
told - their feelings don't matter.
Are you sure its important that she feels love and respect and wants to be
with you? Some men think that it's best to keep a women scared and
chained to the kitchen - to have her fear is better than to have her respect.
Would you rather Jill pretend to respect you out of fear or have her genuine
respect and trust?
The man is also invited to consider the importance and value he
places on these goals:
How important is it to you to have a marriage based on genuine respect and
trust?
How important is it to you to have a marriage in which you both genuinely
want to be with each other?"
The therapist may respond to the man's arguments for
responsibility by challenging his statements, thus inviting the man to put
stronger arguments for a non-violent relationship. The therapist continues
to decline invitations to attribute blame externally by interrupting, if
necessary and persists in pursuing enquiries about the kind of marriage
the man is really wanting.
Whilst I respect the man's arguments for non-violence and
mutuality, I do not regard them as evidence of his readiness to cease
violence or engage new behaviour. They are regarded as a point of
reference which he has provided and to which the therapist can return
throughout therapy and compare and contrast with the man's actions.
I am not concerned about the "truth" of the arguments - whether
they are true representations of his feelings, socially desirable responses
or attempts to deceive the therapist. I regard them as beginning steps
towards responsibility and integrity and invite the man to entertain these
ideas in a variety of ways. Regardless of initial motivations, I believe that
the man can gradually discover and develop his own integrity and
responsibility, if invited to engage in this process. He is likely to
Alan Jenkins
— 73
INVITE THE MAN TO EXAMINE HIS What effect do you think your violence has had on Jill?
MISGUIDED EFFORTS TO CONTRIBUTE Wfiat effect do you think your violence has had on Jill's feelings of
TO THE RELATIONSHIP trust/respect/love/safety ?
The therapist may acknowledge the man's concern and distress
about the deterioration which has taken place in his relationship. In this
context, the man is invited to describe details of his violence, the context
in which it has occurred and its consequences:
Can you help me understand more about your violence, how it has
developed and how it has got in the way of your relationship?
When the man begins to put arguments for a relationship which Can you handle talking about the last time you were violent to Jill?
is mutually respectful, caring and non-violent, the therapist may invite him The therapist may focus on specific incidents which have
to examine ways that he has tried to contribute to such a relationship - his included violence and invite the man to recall details of his experience and
recipe or blueprint for closeness: his perception of his partner's experience, throughout each incident:
/ now understand that you don't want to hurt Jill and that you want a What was the first thing that happened?
relationship where she respects, trusts and stays with you because she wants What did you think when Jill did/said...?
to and where she feels respected and loved by you. I understand that you What did you feel then?
want a more respectful and caring relationship. You have made it clear how What did you do/say?
important this is to you. Wliat I don Y yet understand is what has stopped you What did you want to do?
in the past from achieving your goals. What did you want her to do?
Do you think it would be helpful if you understood what has stopped you What do you think she wanted?
from achieving your goals? What do you think she was thinking/feeling?
How would this help you? What did she do then ?
Could you help me to understand the ways that you have been trying to build Wliat happened next?
this kind of relationship? In this way, the therapist invites the roan to study the process of
Are there times when you feel you have been successful? his own self-intoxication, in a step by step fashion, throughout each
Wliat has stopped you or got in the way other times? incident. This is a novel experience for many men who tend to see their
How have you tried to solve problems in your relationship? violence as coming "out of the blue" with no antecedents or build iip and
The therapist can proceed to enquire about the man's who have never considered the way in which they work themselves up to
perception of the history of achievements and problems and attempts to violence. The man is invited to punctuate his experience by reflecting on
solve them in his relationship, even if his arguments for non-violent his thoughts, feelings and actions at significant points throughout each
relationship are relatively weak. incident.
The therapist may invite the man to examine his violence in this The man is invited to describe his violence in a specific and
context: detailed manner:
What affect has your violence had on your marriage? How did you grab her/push her/liit her?
What effect has your violence had on respect/trust/safety/ caring/love in Did you hit her with a closed or open fist?
your marriage? How many times?
What effect has your violence had on you and how you feel about yourself? Where did you hit her?
What effect has your violence had on your own self respect/self-confidence?

—
75
Many men avoid thinking about details of their physical abuse, WJten you feel womed/insecure/hurt, you then try to put things right by trying
preferring to keep it out of awareness. Their initial descriptions reflect this to get her to see it your way and trying to get her stop arguing or disagreeing.
avoidance of responsibility: If she continues - you feel more hurt/insecure/worried and try harder to get
I gave her a tap; her to see it your way. Eventually you resort to desperate methods such as
I got a little physical with her. threats and violence.
Consequently, these questions are challenging and invite the The thing I'm most aware of is that you are really wanting to be close to her
man to "own" his violence and to describe it objectively. and to respect each other-yet what happens is you wind up hurting her and
It is vital for the therapist to respond to the man's acceptance driving her further away from you.
of this invitation, by helping him to define his "facing up" as an indicator Can you think of other times when you realty wanted to be close to her but
of strength and courage. This new definition of strength and courage is in ended up hurting her and driving her away/becoming more distant from her?
marked contrast to the traditional cultural definitions as reflected in movie A man, like the one in the previous transcript, who is
heroes such as Rambo: desperately pursuing a partner who has left him, may similarly be invited
Can you handle talking about your violence up front like this? to consider the consequences of his misguided actions and contrast these
How does it make you feel inside to talk about it? with his intention to build a mutually respectful relationship. He is initially
Are you ready to face up to it in this way? likely to be quite unaware of the fact that his well-intentioned albeit
It takes a lot of guts to begin to look it in the eye and talk about the fact that desperate attempts to solve the problem are, in fact, becoming the
you have done something that has really hurt Jill. problem itself.
A lot of men run away from it at this point. It's a lot easier to keep it at a
distance and not look at it for what it really is.
I have a lot of respect for your courage in facing up to your violence rather
than running away from it.
Is this the first time you have talked about details of your violence?
What does it say about you that you can handle talking about your violence?
The man is invited to describe other incidents which have
included violence, throughout his marriage and elsewhere and to notice
patterns in the violence and its context. He is encouraged to notice
patterns in his own experience and to label this experience in ways which
promote acceptance of responsibility rather than attribution to external
events. This process is assisted if carried out in the context of examining
the contrast between good intentions and misguided actions:
When she complains/disagrees with your point of view/goes out with her
friends/wants to do her own thing, how does this affect you? - How does this
make you feel about yourself?
Am I hearing you straight? Wlien she ... then you feel hurt/insecure and
think that you are losing closeness and respect. You think she is uncaring
and disloyal and feel worried about your relationship. Am I understanding
you correctly so fir?

76 77
INVITE THE MAN TO IDENTIFY TIME Has she become more respectful of your ideas or is she losing respect for
TRENDS IN THE RELATIONSHIP them over time?
Are you getting more together or more apart?
How has this affected your chances of having the kind of relationship that
you really want?"
The man may be invited to "collapse time" (White 1986a):
WJiat will happen if (trend) is continued?
WJiat would it be like in two years time?
Many abusive men fail to address and to comprehend the If the man's arguments for a non-violent relationship are weak,
nature of the deterioration in their relationships over time. The therapist he can be invited to anticipate the consequences of the continuation of
may assist the man to look beyond his static view of his violence and its current trends into the future and to contrast his predictions with his goals
consequences, by introducing the dimension of time into questions and for the relationship:
examining trends in time in the relationship (White 1986a). In this way he WJwt do you think will happen if you continue violence in your relationship?
can be invited to attend to the deterioration in his own behaviour and in Do you think Jill will be prepared to hang in there in a violent relationship?
the relationship: How close is she to leaving for good?
/ understand you are wanting a close respectful relationship. However, have
your violence and threats of violence been increasing (in frequency/intensity)
or decreasing over the time of your relationship?
Do you think Jill is feeling safer and more relaxed with you or more tense
and scared over time?
Do you think Jill is feeling more loving/caring or less loving/caring towards
you over time?
Do you think Jill is gaining respect for you or losing respect for you over
time?
How do you know this? Wliat does she do/say that tells you this?
Do you think Jill is feeling more respected by you or less respected by you
over time?
Have you been feeling more closeness or more distance in your relationship
over time?
These trends can be linked with the man's misguided efforts to
contribute to his relationship:
How have your attempts to try to get Jill to see things your way affected her
over time?
How have your attempts to get Jill to reassure you affected her over time? Are
your efforts to try to help the relationship, by giving Jill advice/trying to avoid
arguments, leading to more closeness or more distance over time? What
effect have your efforts to keep the relationship together, by trying to get Jill
to respect your point of view, had on your relationship over time?
_ Alan Jenkins
79
INVITE T H E M A N TO E X T E R N A L I S E EXTERNALISING BELIEFS REGARDING MALE OWNERSHIP
RESTRAINTS
When such beliefs are relevant restraints, I generally find it
helpful to take the initiative and detail my understanding of the man's
blueprint or recipe for relating, in the context of socio-cultural restraints
or extended family traditions which reflect patriarchal values.
I prefer to introduce this notion in a somewhat dramatic way:
Therapist: You know it doesn't surprise me that you have had trouble
achieving a loving, respectful relationship and instead got one
The therapist may now invite the man to consider explanations which is getting further apart and more and more violent. In
for his violence which are based on a theory of restraint, by maintaining fact I'm surprised that Jill didn 't start to lose her feelings for
a preoccupation with questions that address the following issues. Given you before you began the violence.
his intentions: Client: WJiat do you mean ?
What has stopped the man from taking responsibility to Therapist: Well you wanted to get close to her and you worked hard at it.
contribute to the relationship in ways that foster equity, mutual I respect your intentions. However, your recipe for getting close
respect, sensitivity and caring? is not only out of date but totally misguided. In fact - this may
— What has stopped the man from taking responsibility for his come as a shock to you - its probably the best recipe I could
violent behaviour? think of for insecurity, disrespect and violence in a marriage.
In this way, the therapist invites the man to discover and Can you handle some straight information about this?
challenge restraining attitudes and habits, in order to free himself to Client: Of course I can.
develop the relationship that he really wants. Therapist: Your recipe for building a marriage expired years ago and
If the man is preoccupied with the question "Why am I violent?", hasn't been renewed. It doesn't match the kind of relationship
the therapist may respond: that you want. It would be a good blueprint if you wanted to
It never surprises me to hear of violent behaviour like yours. Our culture is be tyrant or if you lived about 100 years ago. It would work
riddled with violence and messages about violence. It is impossible to turn well if you wanted a slave, a doormat or a robot rather than a
on a TV set without seeing examples of violence being used to solve wife - someone who serves you rather than really loves and
problems or take advantage of others. I am wondering more about what has respects you. However, you were indicating earlier that this isn 't
stopped you from finding ways to develop the kind of relationship you want- want you want. Do you know the old-fashioned recipe for a
one which is not violent but caring and respectful. I am wondering what has marriage which says that the man is in the front seat and in
stopped you from facing up to, taking responsibility for your violence and charge? He knows best and the woman should be in the back
putting it behind you for once and for all. seat doing what she is told and keeping her feelings and
White (1986a, 1989) has described the process of'externalisation" thoughts to herself. These old-fashioned ideas say that the man
of a problem in order to render a restraining practise or belief accessible is supposed to be the provider and that his point of view is the
to be challenged. In this way the man can separate himself from and pit correct one and it his duty to help is wife think that way too -
himself against his own restraining beliefs and practices rather than for the sake of the marriage. It is easy for men to get sucked in
against his partner or himself. without realising it How much do you think you 've been sucked
The man can be invited to externalism his blueprint or recipe in by these ideas?
for relating and then to examine its relevance to his goals and its
implications for his future and the future of his relationship.
_ Alan Jenkins
The man is invited to externalize patriarchal restraints and They take over the driver seat of your life and you become a
consider their influence in his life and the extent to which he has slavishly slave to them. You become less and less able to think for
and blindly followed a set of oppressive and unhelpful beliefs: yourself and less and less able to handle your own life. You
If a man takes this recipe on board what sort of marriage is he going to be start to become more and more reliant on your wife to do your
building? thinking for you and to handle your insecurity for you. You
Is he going to want his wife to be her own person with her own ideas or his start to need her to put her own life aside and reassure you and
person with his ideas? prop you up by keeping her mouth shut and not saying or
Is she likely to respect him more if he tries to get her to be his person or if he doing anything that she thinks you can't handle. You start to
allows her to be her own person ? leave it up to her to control your violence for you by walking
If she was just doing what she is told, would she be more likely to give out on eggshells around you. You start to need her to move from
of love and desire or out of duty? the back seat of the marriage into the boot.
The man may also be invited to consider the influence of family Client: (protesting) / don't think it's got to that.
traditions which are consistent with these beliefs and the extent to which Therapist: / guess she decided to leave rather than have it get to that - it
he has unwittingly followed in the footsteps of another family member. sounds like that's where it was heading. Tlie only way she
The man's adherence to this patriarchal blueprint for relating is could have avoided being hit would have been to keep her
linked with his failure to achieve his goals, as illustrated in the following mouth shut and do what you say. The tragic thing is that it's
sections of edited transcript: exactly the opposite to what you have wanted - that's right isn't
Therapist: The worst part of it is that you want to get close - that you it?
want your wife's respect and love but you get sucked in to try The man is invited to consider the "relative influence" of these
to make her your person and, of course, she loses respect for societal and family traditions and beliefs (White, 1986a, 1989). If he is an
you. This out-of-date blueprint says that men should own their unwitting victim of his own loyalty to a traditional blueprint which is
wives. So whenever she does her own thing - wants to go out depriving him of the relationship he wants, then it will be necessary for
by herself - says her own point of view - disagrees with you, you him to determine the extent of this tyranny, by searching for any
feel insecure inside and think there is something wrong with her exceptions to the rule. The search for exceptions provides a positive focus
- she's letting you down - she doesn't care, because the old for the man by orienting him towards discovering his own competence and
blueprint says she should think the way you think. Thenyouget ability to change rather than reinforcing a sense of incompetence or
sucked in further by the blueprint which tells you to put her stuckness:
right. WJien she doesn't agree with you, you feel even more Have you noticed any times when you have stood up to this old fashioned
insecure and furious with her. Then the blueprint has got you blueprint?
by the balls and you start to resort to desperate methods tike Have you noticed any times when you have not been sucked in?
threats and violence. The more you give in to your insecure Have you noticed any times when you have been able to handle Jill being her
feelings and follow the blueprint, the more you feel trapped in own person/speaking her own mind/making her own decisions?
it - and the tragic thing is that you are not wanting to hurt her. How did you manage that?
You are wanting to get close to her. TJiat's right isn't it? Trends in relative influence may then be highlighted:
Client: (Nodding) Are you becoming more able to make your own decisions in your marriage
Therapist: Well it doesn't stop there either. The more you give into or more sucked in by these old traditions?
insecure feelings - the more you do what the feelings say - the -Are you learning to handle and respect Jill being her own person more or are
more the feelings start running your life for you. you needing her to be your person more and more over time?

_
82
The man is asked to search for and cite evidence which supports EXTERNALISING PATTERNS OF RELIANCE AND AVOIDANCE
his answers to these questions and then attribute meaning to this evidence: OF RESPONSIBILITY
How have you been able to break away from old habits and traditions?
Wliat does this say about you as a person ? Habits of avoidance of responsibility by the male and reliance
Wliat will it mean for you/your relationship if you continue in this direction ? on his partner to take responsibility for violence, may be usefully
externalized (for both partners), particularly when inviting the man to
EXTERNALISING "OPPRESSIVE" FEELINGS consider the question:
I find it helpful to externalize feelings or experiences which are What has stopped you from taking responsibility for your violence?
associated with the man's violent actions. Feelings such as "hurt", The man may first be invited to consider who has attended most
"insecurity", "frustration", "fear", "impatience" may be usefully externalized. to violence in the past:
I avoid encouraging men to externalize experiences and feelings such as Who has tended to think/worry most about your violence in the past?
"aggression", "violence" and "temper" in case the man becomes confused Who thinks most about the violence after the event?
and thinks that the therapist is suggesting that he is not responsible for Wlio thinks most about the risk of violence before the event?
his violent or aggressive behaviour. When externalising feelings and Who has studied/been on the look out/tried to monitor your violence, the
experiences, I tend to focus on feeling states which the man may not have most?
previously identified and which when labelled invite consideration of new How have you both tried to live with violence?
directions and solutions to problems, other than violence. How has your partner tried to live with violence?
The man may be invited to consider the relative influence of What has she needed to do?
such feelings or experiences: How have each of you tried to control or stop violence in the past?
Can you think of a time when you feit insecure/hurt and you didn't let it take Wlio has worked hardest to try to control or prevent violence in the past?
you over? Whose job has it been seen to be?
Can you think of a time when you stood up to your hurt feelings and didn't Who has worked hardest to put the brakes on and prevent violence? How?
let them push you around? Who is most likely to back down/walk away in arguments if there is a risk
How did you do it? of violence?
For some men, their childhood experiences may have fostered Who has had most practise at putting the brakes on ?
habits of being driven by feelings of hurt and insecurity. These habits may Have you worked harder at trying to find ways yourself or harder at trying to
still be practised years later. Trends in relative influence over time, may be get your partner to put the brakes on ?
examined: What would happen if.you continued in this way?
Are you becoming more or less sucked in by your hurt/insecure feelings over What would happen if you continued to rely on your partner to
time? control/prevent violence?
Are you using your head more when you are angry or losing it more over Would you feel that you were loosing or gaining control of yourself over
time? time?
Is your insecurity getting you tighter and tighter in its grip over time or are you What would it mean for you/your partner/your relationship?
finding ways to stand up to it? The therapist may draw the man's attention to traditional and
Are you starting to find ways to steer your life or is your insecurity taking over old fashioned blueprints regarding the responsibilities of men and women
the wheel more and more over time? in marriage:
Are you familiar with the old fashioned recipes for what is regarded as men's
work and women's work? Men were seen to have no other responsibility in

84 __ 85
the family than to be providers of material things. Women, on the other Client: / snapped when she kept on at me - I just lost control - I
hand, were seen as having the job of looking after everyone's feelings in the couldn't help myself -1 laid into her and kept thumping her.
family and making sure that everything ran smoothly and thai there was no Therapist: Did you use a weapon - perhaps a knife - did you stab her?
conflict or bad feelings. If anyone felt insecure, upset or unhappy, then it was Client: (Looking startled) Of course not.
her job to look after them, calm them down or prop them up. It was her fault Therapist: Why not - what stopped you from killing her?
if somebody else felt upset and her job to make them feel secure again - to Client: I'd never attack her with a knife - only my hands
prop them up by pretending that it was her responsibility and accepting blame Therapist: You chose not to use a weapon then. Did you knock her
for whatever went wrong. unconscious or break her arm?
Wliat would happen in a marriage in which both the man and women were Client: No way.
completely sucked in by these blueprints? Therapist: How did you stop yourself then ?
Would the man get stronger and more able to stand on his own feet and The therapist can then invite the man to consider the
handle his own pressure or would he get weaker over time? consequences of failing to attend to his own violence and his own
Would he become more independent over time or more reliant on his partner self-intoxication and the way that this failure to take responsibility
when things don't go the way he wants? contributes to his experience of loss of control.
Once again, the man is invited to consider the relative influence
Would he be more needy of his partners protection and propping up or more
able to prop himself up over time? of these restraining ideas and practices and especially to identify instances
The man may be invited to examine his own theories of violence of self-reliance:
in this context and to consider the extent to which they have either helped Can you remember a time when you took action to stop/prevent violence
or hindered him in achieving his goals. It is generally helpful to invite the yourself?
Can you remember a time when you made a stand against your own violence
man to examine his theories based on notions of provocation:
If a man sees his violence is caused by another person what does this mean and did not expect your partner to do it for you?
in terms of his ability to be able to control it? How did you do it?
The man is also invited to consider trends in relative influence
WJw would he come to rely on to control it - himself or his partner? Would
he come to need a wife or a minder over time? regarding this reliance on his partner:
Wliat would it mean for his ability to be able to handle pressure both at Are you becoming more reliant on Jill or more self-reliant over time - for
home and work? control of violence ? - to face your pressures/calm you down ?
He is encouraged to notice evidence which supports new trends
Wlio would he feel was running his life - himself or his partner?
How would this affect his feelings about himself - would he feel more in self-reliance and to attribute meaning to this evidence:
capable or more incapable over time? How didyou manage to stand on your own two feet and avoid dumpingyour
If a man relied on his wife to calm him down when he was upset by problems onto Jill?
pretending to agree with him or to humour him - what would this mean for What does this say about you?
Wliat will it mean for your future/the future of your relationship?
his ability to handle tough situations and to face pressures both at work and
home in the future?
, .,
The man who sees himself as "snapping" or "losing control" may
be invited to understand that he does in fact exercise control, even during
violent outbursts. The following transcript of therapy illustrates this i •"
invitation.

87
86
DELIVER "IRRESISTIBLE INVITATIONS" SELF-RESPONSIBILITY FOR FEELINGS
TO CHALLENGE RESTRAINTS
Are you wanting to stand up to the influence of your feelings of
insecurityfliurt/jealousy and take charge of your own life, or would you be
prepared to continue to surrender to them and let them have their way with
you/to continue to feel pushed around by these feelings?
Couldyou handle a marriage in which you stand onyour own two feet and
face pressures when they arise, or do you need to lean on Jill by getting her
Once the man has begun to externalize restraints and consider to look after your feelings for you/to calm you down?
their influence in his life, he can be invited to challenge these restraining Could you handle a marriage in which you stand on your own two feet and
ideas and habits. These invitations can be quite confronting and highlight face your own pressures or do you need Jill's protection by having her to face
a personal challenge which the man may find somewhat irresistible. In this your pressures for you ?
way, he is invited to make his own commitment to self-responsibility and Couldyou handle a marriage in which you look after your own feelings and
mutuality in his relationship. find your own security or do you need Jill to prop you up and try to make
you feel secure?
RESPONSIBILITY FOR VIOLENCE Are you sure? It's a lot easier to rely on her to save you from pressure and
face your pressures for you ?
Could you handle a marriage in which you control your own violence, or do
you need Jill to try to control it for you by keeping her mouth shut/walking
on eggshells around you ?
Do you want to take action to put the brakes on yourself or would you be OLD TRADITIONS
prepared to leave it to Jill to continue to try to put the brakes on for you?
Are you sure? It won't be easy -you've had little practice in setting limits for Couldyou handle the pressure of leaving the old fashioned blueprint about
yourself. It would be a lot easier to leave it up to her? men and marriage behind and decidingyour own future for yourself?
Do you thinkyou could handle the pressures ofyour friends/parents etc. and
Even if you feel she's unreasonable or provocative?
still make your own decisions or do you see yourself getting sucked back in
by their pressure?
NON-OWNERSHIP Wouldn't it be easier to change your goals about the kind of marriage you
want than try to change your recipe about how to go about getting it?
Could you handle a marriage in which Jill says what she really thinks, or do
you need her to look after your feelings by saying what she thinks you want
to hear? TRUST AND RESPECT
Could you handle a marriage in which Jill is her own person and speaks her
own mind, or do you need her to pretend to be your person ? Is it important for you to try to earn back Jill's respect and trust or do you
Could you handle sharing the front seat of your marriage with Jill, or do you think she should give it out of duty?
need her to prop you up/support you by staying in the back seat? Is it important for you to earn genuine trust and respect or would you settle
Are you sure? What if she disagrees with you or has different opinions? for a pretence - Jill just saying what she thinks you want to hear?
How important is it for you to try and earn it back or would you settle for
trying to: - beg for it back? - buy it back? - demand it back? - con it back?

~88 89
INVITE THE MAN TO C O N S I D E R HIS - you can respect her rights and handle her being her own person?
READINESS TO TAKE NEW ACTION - you can handle her speaking her own mind?
-you don't need her to look after your feelings/prop you up?
- you can stand'up to the old blueprint?
WJiat makes you think you're ready?
What evidence is there that you are ready?
Wiiat makes yoti think you can handle a relationship where your wife speaks
her own mind?
When the man is arguing for self-responsibility, self-reliance Are you sure?
and non-violence, he may be invited to consider his readiness to translate You've practised these old habits for years.
these arguments into action, You've been a slave to them for a long time.
At this point, he may be keen to pursue his partner and try to Old habits die pretty hard.
convince her that he is a changed man. If she has considered leaving him, The therapist may highlight the significance of departures from
he may want to try to convince her to stay. If she has left him, he may old and oppressive habits by pointing out the strength and courage that
want to convince her to return. These tendencies are, of course, will be required to make such a stand:
indications of the perseverance of old restraining habits, not readiness for It will take a lot of courage and determination to resist being sucked back in
new action. by old habits that have pushed you around for many years. Do you think you
Rather than discuss how he can convince or prove himself to his have the strength to face up to it now?
partner, the man is invited to consider how he can prove to himself that The man's initial arguments for his own readiness to take action
he is ready to quit being dominated by old habits and blueprints and that may be facile and ill-founded. It is helpful for the therapist to invite him
he is ready to contribute to a mutually, respectful and non-violent to challenge the grounds for his readiness and give more consideration to
relationship. The therapist may comment: what he is up against. The following dialogue is part of a transcript of an
Lots of men at this stage are keen to jump in and try to convince their interview with a man whose partner left him following a violent outburst.
partners that they have changed before they have had the opportunity to He has previously acknowledged the influence of his fears and insecurity
prove anything to themselves. If you tried to convince Jill before you had which he experienced when his partner made her own independent
proved you could stand up to the old habits yourself. decisions.
WJiat would this say to you/to Jill? Therapist: You've made it clear you want a marriage where your wife can
Would it be you talking or your insecurity/desperation talking? be her own person - where you don't try to own her. Are you
Would Jill be likely to be convinced or more likely to think she's heard it all ready to start checking out whether you can handle this kind of
before? marriage?
Are you ready to start taking action to prove to yourself that you are ready for Client: Yeah, if she comes back things will be really different.
a new respectful and non-violent relationship? Therapist: Hang on. She'd be nuts to come back unless she saw some
Are you ready to start taking action to prove to yourself that evidence that you could handle her making her own decisions.
- Jill is safe from violence and threats of violence under any circumstances? Would you come back if you were her - with just a promise to
-you can take your own action to prevent violence? go on? If you contacted her tonight and told her things will be
- you don't need her to put the brakes on for you ? different from now on, what effect would it have? Do you think
-you can stand up to your feelings of...? she would be likely to believe you or more likely to think I've
- you don't want to own her? heard all this before?
_ Alan Jenkins
_
Client: Yeah, but how can I prove to her I've changed if she doesn't Client: / guess that I could give her time - that I can handle it.
come home? Therapist: Which side of you would it strengthen - the side of you that
Therapist: Before you prove anything to her, won't you need to prove to wants to be able to stand on your own two feet and stand up
yourself that you can respect her feelings? Wliat is it that she to your fears - or the side of you that needs her to reassure
is wanting from you now? Wliat does her not returning your you?
calls tell you ? Client: Standing on my own two feet.
Client: She says she wants time to think. She says she wants time to Therapist: What message would it give to Jill about you, ifycfu stop trying
herself. She keeps saying she is not ready but... to make contact with her? Do you think she would feel more
Therapist: What would you be doing then if you were respecting her respected if you stopped or more respected if you kept up trying
feelings and wishes now? to make contact?
Client: But I'd give her time to think if she came home. Client: I guess she would feel respected - but if I don't contact her, she
Therapist: It will probably be the hardest thing you've ever done - to prove might think I don't want her back.
to yourself that you can respect her feelings and decisions - to Therapist: Is that you talking oryour fears and desperation talking? Think
prove that you are bigger than your fears and your desperation about what's happened over the last two weeks.
which I bet even right now are telling you call her and try and Client: / suppose it's my fears.
convince her to come home. How important is it that you Therapist: Its going to be pretty tough. You've been pushed around by
stand on your own two feet and make this decision for your fears for years and they're not going to let up easily. In
yourself? Or are you prepared to let your fears and desperation fact its going to feel almost impossible to resist them at times.
decide it for you ? Tliey will come up with what seem to be excellent reasons for
Client: / want to make the decision - but couldn't I just see her and making contact with her and try to pull the wool over your
talk to her. eyes. Do you think you're ready to make a stand against them?
Therapist: Until you've proven you can stand up to your fears and Client: Yes, I'm ready.
desperation she'd be crazy to talk to you about coming back. Therapist: Okay, are you ready to make some plans so that you are
Until you've proved to yourself that you can't be pushed prepared for them ?
around by your insecure feelings, you 'd be kidding yourself if
you thought you were ready to see her.
Client: / can't handle not seeing her - not hearing from her - not
knowing how she is...
Therapist: Like I said, this will probably be the hardest thing you've ever
attempted. Your fears and your desperation are going to be at
you all the time telling you to contact her, drive past her house,
ring her parents. I can understand if you are not ready to make
a stand at this time - if you're not ready to handle it yet. Do
you want me to continue?
Client: Yes. I want to try it.
Therapist: Wliat would it say about you if you stopped trying to make
contact with her - if you left it for her to make contact with you
when she's ready? Wliat would you be proving to yourself?

—
93
FACILITATE THE PLANNING discover his own "red-line" or point which when reached signals danger
OF NEW ACTION and the need to set limits on thinking and behaviour.
He is encouraged to notice and record characteristic recurring
feelings, experiences and thoughts which can help him to identify this "red-
line" in future events. In this way, he may discover helpful cues to take
action early in the cycle of self-intoxication:
Wliat would be the best point to take action to put the brakes on in an
argument?
The man who argues for his own readiness may be invited to What signs will tell you that it is time to exit from the argument?
invent ways of translating his resolve into plans for new action. These Strategies such as "time out" may be helpful in this context
plans mays relate to a variety of themes. (Gondolf 1985):
Would it be more helpful if you took action to put the brakes on when you
are angry with Jill or if you left it up to Jill to put the brakes on?
PROMOTING SAFETY AND NON-VIOLENCE
The man is encouraged to understand the difference between
The first priority for the man is the cessation of violence and "time out" and "copping out". "Time out" requires a pre-arranged plan with
harassment and the promotion of a safe environment for his partner. I his partner whereby at any early warning sign of risk of violence, he will
decline to discuss any other issues relating to the marriage until the man signal that he is physically separating himself from her, in order to take
has developed and begun to act on clear and realistic plans for taking responsibility for his own behaviour and calm himself. When he is calm,
responsibility for his violent behaviour. he returns to his partner to make contact with her again and explain his
The man is invited to contribute to his partner's safety by feelings and actions.
inventing active ways to demonstrate to himself and to her that he is a When practising strategies such as "time out", the man is
safe person to be with: encouraged to prepare himself and plan for unexpected behaviour by his
Wfiat would you need to do to get violence/abuse out of your marriage (and partner. She may not at first understand the nature of "time out" and think
your family) once and for all? that is a new method of intimidation or simply another instance of
How could you prove to yourself and others that you can take responsibility avoidance of responsibility. She may in fact pursue him and demand that
yourself to prevent violence? he stays and talks to her.
Initially he may only consider passive strategies which require The Therapist may invite the man to invent his own methods to
him not to take action, e.g. "I won't hit her again." He may instead, be promote safety:
invited to consider active strategies which require that he takes new What could you do to demonstrate to yourself and to Jill (and your kids)
action. that you put safety first?
For example, he may be encouraged to chart his experience How could you prove to yourself and to them that they are safe from
when he feels tense, angry, insecure or experiences other feelings which violence and abuse, no matter what they say or do?
have been associated with his violence in the past: How could you prove to yourself and to them that no matter how hurt or
Would it be more helpful for you or your partner to study your feelings and angry you feel, you can handle let downs, differences or arguments without
what is happening inside you when you are angry? resorting to violence or abuse?
Pro-formas for recording this experience such as "anger-logs" How would you know if anyone in the family was feeling scared of you?
may be helpful (Gondolf 1985). The man may be encouraged to chart his Wliat would you need to do to reassure them that they are safe?
own habits of self-intoxication with anger and self-righteousness and to
invitations to Responsibility Alan Jenkins

94 95
The man who tries to promote safety is likely, at first, to WJiat could you do to take responsibility when you pick these warning signs?
experience self-righteous anger and may feel that his partner is not WJiat could you do to help Jill to resign from being the monitor of your
showing sufficient appreciation of his efforts to.stop violence, particularly feelings?
when he uses strategies such as "time out". He will have relied heavily on How could you convince both yourself and Jill:
his partner's support in the past and, in a dependent manner, may expect - that you don't need her to be so vigilant;
her to lavish praise on him for his good efforts. The therapist should - that you don't need her to put the brakes on;
predict the likelihood of self-righteous anger and help the man to - that you don't need her to calm you down when you get upset;
understand that his partner will naturally be suspicious of his new - that you will take over this job yourself?
behaviour at first. Following a period of skepticism she may feel safe Would it be more helpful to make contact or to keep your distance from Jill
enough to speak her mind a little more or raise issues of difference or when you feel insecure?
disagreement. Consequently, she may appear to be critical rather than Which option would help you to stand on your own two feet/find your own
grateful. The man is encouraged not to misinterpret her behaviour as security?
evidence of a lack of goodwill on his partner's behalf. It is best regarded Would it be more helpful to talk about your feelings or stew about them?
as an indication that he has been successful in setting conditions to enable Who wouldyou talk to?
his partner to feel safe enough to speak openly to him. It means that his How will your feelings of... try to suckyou back into old habits of relying on
efforts are successful and are being noticed and taken seriously by her. He Jill or taking it out on Jill?
can now be faced with the dilemma as to whether or not he is ready to How will your feelings of... try to pull the wool over your eyes and lead you
understand and handle behaviour which at times seem provocative and back into old habits?
unreasonable, without resorting to violence. An opportunity is also Wliat could you do to increase your vigilance/prepare yourself?
provided for the man to demonstrate sensitivity to his partner's needs and
feelings. DEMONSTRATING RESPECT AND NON-OWNERSHIP
PROMOTING SELF-RESPONSIBILITY The man may be invited to invent active ways to demonstrate
respect for his partner's rights, feelings, ideas and independence:
The man may be invited to invent active ways in which he can
What would you need to do to prove to yourself that you don't need to try
demonstrate to himself that he can take responsibility for his own feelings to own Jill?
and behaviour. These may involve "plans and strategies" to resist the How could you show both yourself and Jill that:
influence of feelings such as insecurity, fear, impatience etc.: -you can respect her being her own person with her own opinions and ideas?
Wliat wouldyou need to do to prove to yourself:
- that you can stand up to your feelings of...? - that you can respect her independence?
- that you are not a slave to your feelings of...? - that you are interested in her opinions whether you agree with them or not?
- that you are bigger than your feelings of... ? - that you can handle and want her to share the front seat of your
- that you can handle feeling hurt/let down/angry without taking it out on relationship rather than stay in the back seat?
Jill? - that you want to share responsibility for your marriage and family rather
- that you can stand on your own two feet and you don't need Jill to look than rely on her to take all responsibility?
after/coddle your feelings for you? The man is encouraged to monitor and attribute meaning to his
How would you know if you were starting to feel... ? actions each time he has contact with his partner. Each of his actions gives
Wliat warnings signs wouldyou pick up in yourself? either a message of respect or disrespect regarding his partner's rights. He
Wliat wouldyou need to do to become more sensitive to these warning signs?
Invita tions to Responsibility Alan Jenkins

96 97
may be encouraged to keep an inventory or balance sheet of evidence of may be planned to facilitate independence and challenge passive habits of
respect and disrespect. This inventory can be used to measure the inactivity such as sitting by the phone and waiting for his partner to call.
direction and strength of trends in his behaviour and prevents him from
relying solely on subjective impressions and feelings. The man who is DEMONSTRATING RESPONSIBILITY FOR PAST ABUSIVE
separated from his partner, of course, communicates respect by keeping BEHAVIOUR
his distance and observing her right to privacy. The man is invited to find active ways to demonstrate his
Once again he is encouraged to anticipate the oppressive responsibility for his past violence and abuse:
influence of old habits:
Wfiat would you need to do to convince yourself and your partner that you
What will be the toughest tests of your resolve to prove that you don't want accept full responsibility for your past violence and abuse?
to own her? One such active strategy involves finding ways to respect his
What kind of situations have most easily sucked you into old habits in the partner's privacy and space and her decision to separate:
past? Would it more helpful to you and to Jill, to let her make contact or for you
In what kind of situations are you most likely to think that: to try to make contact?
- you are right and she is wrong?
If you kept your distance, what message would this give Jill about who is
- you are more entitled than she is? taking responsibility?
- she can't say/do that? If Jill makes contact with you, how could you convince her that you
Wliat feelings will be most likely to get in the way? understand and respect her need for space/separateness?
How will you prepare yourself for these? It is almost irresistible for some men to be "sucked in" to trying
Wltat if you think your wife is being really unreasonable? How will you to make plans for the future, asking for reassurance and telling their
handle it (hen? partners how much they love them, when the partners make contact. This
The man whose partner has left him may be invited to find ways urge may be anticipated and planned for by asking:
to resist the tendency to pursue her: How could you get sucked back in to old habits when trying to let Jilt know
How will your fears/insecurity try to pull the wool, over your eyes and
that you respect her need for separateness?
convince you that it will be OK to contact her just once or drive past her What things would you need to avoid doing to keep it a message about
house?
responsibility?
How will you pick this when it starts to happen? How could you unwittingly turn it into:
Wliat will you do then?
- a guilt trip?
Who could you call instead?
- an argument?
WJiat could you do instead?
- pressure to reunite?
The man is encouraged to spend time facing his insecure When a couple separates, following violent incidents, it is often
feelings rather than feeling frightened of them, trying to run away from
the woman (and children) who leave the family home. The man may be
them or distracting himself from them. He is encouraged to practise
invited to consider which kind of living arrangement would best
challenging their influence and thereby strengthening his own influence in
demonstrate respect and responsibility to his partner.
his own life.
Do you think it would be more appropriate/fair if you were living in the
Active strategies, in this context, may also involve the
house or if your wife (and kids) were living in the house?
development of support networks, which do not include his partner, for
If you moved out, what would that say about your readiness to take
emotional support and reassurance. New recreational and social activities
responsibility and bear the consequences of your abuse?
_ Alan Jenkins
_
At an appropriate point in therapy (usually when the man has What message would it give Jill, if you tried to apologise without having any
a sense of achievement and influence over his actions), he may be invited idea what it was like for her?
to examine more closely the real nature and extent of his violence, abuse What would it say about you?
and harassment and their impact upon his partner and others in the The therapist may promote a definition of strength that is
family. This involves a shift from looking inwards at his own experience, gained through facing up to a difficult challenge and painful feelings:
to considering his partner's (and other's) experience and developing and Do you think it would make you stronger or weaker to really face up in this
demonstrating sensitivity and understanding of what he has put others way?
through. This step from introspection or "looking in" to "looking out" often What would it say about you as a man?
proceeds a new stage of understanding and sensitivity towards his partner's The feeling of inner strength is seen to follow behind the painful
feelings and experience. experience which accompanies facing up, just as the experience of fitness
Having acknowledged and highlighted certain of the man's lags behind the pain and discomfort experienced hi physical exercise.
achievements, the therapist may enquire: If the man demonstrates readiness for facing up then the
Are you ready to take a new step which will be a lot tougher than anything therapist may assist by prescribing written assignments (e.g. writing "Jill's
you have tried to do so far? story1) or by asking specific questions,like the following:
Are you ready to take a closer look at the past - at what you have put Jill What would it be like to be constantly living in fear of violence if you open
(and the fads) through - at what it would have felt like to be in their shoes? your mouth?
The therapist may challenge the man's resolve with irresistible What would it be like to be constantly on the lookout and worrying about
invitations: your partner's moods?
Can you handle a step like this? It means facing up fully to what you have What would it be like to be called ... and to be humiliated in front of your
done and trying to understand what it has meant to Jill (and the kids). I family?
know that some men, once they feel they have stopped their violence, think What would it be like to be treated like a nothing, as though your opinions
that it can now be forgotten - they can pretend it never happened and expect didn't matter?
their partners to do the same, even though their partners are still carrying It may be appropriate for the man to let his partner know what
painful mental scars and memories of the abuse. he has realised about his actions and their impact on her and others, in
On the other hand, others feel they have a responsibility to help with the the form of an apology. The apology is regarded as a declaration of
healing of these scars and memories by trying to understand as best they can acceptance of responsibility and distinguished from any previous pleas for
what they put their partners through, so that when the time is right they can forgiveness. It is a gift of understanding and realization which is given to
let their partners know this and make a genuine apology - not one of the the partner, with no expectation of or request for a response let alone
pretend ones they made in the past. forgiveness, reunion or any change in the partner's behaviour. It is simply
Wtiere do you stand on this? a statement of the man's realizations about his abusive behaviour and its
If the man argues for facing up then the therapist may challenge impact on others. An apology is totally inappropriate and can even be
his resolve even further: disrespectful in the absence of genuine attempts to understand the
// is a pretty painful step to take. It will make you feel pretty horrible at first. experience of those victimized by the abuse.
It means facing feelings of shame, embarrassment, and grief- if you really let This kind of facing up can help the man to understand that his
yourself feel about what you have put them through. Yet it's the only way you partner's fears and concerns will remain for some time after he has ceased
can make a genuine apology. his violence and that it will take considerable time and evidence fore him
Do you think an apology would mean anything at all if you had no idea to earn her trust back, if she ever fully trusts him again.
what is was like for them?

—
101
At an appropriate point in therapy (usually when the man has What message would it give Jill, if you tried to apologise without having any
a sense of achievement and influence over his actions), he may be invited idea what it was like for her?
to examine more closely the real nature and extent of his violence, abuse What would it say about you?
and harassment and their impact upon his partner and others in the The therapist may promote a definition of strength that is
family. This involves a shift from looking inwards at his own experience, gained through facing up to a difficult challenge and painful feelings:
to considering his partner's (and other's) experience and developing and Do you think it would make you stronger or weaker to really face up in this
demonstrating sensitivity and understanding of what he has put others way?
through. This step from introspection or "looking in" to "looking out" often What would it say about you as a man?
proceeds a new stage of understanding and sensitivity towards his partner's The feeling of inner strength is seen to follow behind the painful
feelings and experience. experience which accompanies facing up, just as the experience of fitness
Having acknowledged and highlighted certain of the man's lags behind the pain and discomfort experienced in physical exercise.
achievements, the therapist may enquire: If the man demonstrates readiness for facing up then the
Are you ready to take a new step which will be a lot tougher than anything therapist may assist by prescribing written assignments (e.g. writing "Jill's
you have tried to do so far? story") or by asking specific questions,like the following:
Are you ready to take a closer look at the past - at what you have put Jill What would it be like to be constantly living in fear of violence if you open
(and the kids) through - at what it would have felt like to be in their shoes? your mouth ?
The therapist may challenge the man's resolve with irresistible What would it be like to be constantly on the lookout and worrying about
invitations: your partner's moods?
Can you handle a step like this? It means facing up fully to what you have What would it be like to be called ... and to be humiliated in front of your
done and trying to understand what it has meant to Jill (and the kids). I family?
know that some men, once they feel they have stopped their violence, think What would it be like to be treated like a nothing, as though your opinions
that it can now be forgotten - they can pretend it never happened and expect didn 't matter?
their partners to do the same, even though their partners are still carrying It may be appropriate for the man to let his partner know what
painful mental scars and memories of the abuse. he has realised about his actions and their impact on her and others, in
On the other hand, others feel they have a responsibility to help with the the form of an apology. The apology is regarded as a declaration of
healing of these scars and memories by trying to understand as best they can acceptance of responsibility and distinguished from any previous pleas for
what they put their partners through, so that when the time is right they can forgiveness. It is a gift of understanding and realization which is given to
let their partners know this and make a genuine apology - not one of the the partner, with no expectation of or request for a response let alone
pretend ones they made in the past. forgiveness, reunion or any change in the partner's behaviour. It is simply
WJiere do you stand on this? a statement of the man's realizations about his abusive behaviour and its
If the man argues for facing up then the therapist may challenge impact on others. An apology is totally inappropriate and can even be
his resolve even further: disrespectful in the absence of genuine attempts to understand the
It is a pretty painful step to take. It will make you feel pretty horrible at first. experience of those victimized by the abuse.
It means facing feelings of shame, embarrassment, and grief - if you realty let This kind of facing up can help the man to understand that his
yourself feel about what you have put them through. Yet it's the only way you partner's fears and concerns will remain for some time after he has ceased
can make a genuine apology. his violence and that it will take considerable time and evidence fore him
Do you think an apology would mean anything at all if you had no idea to earn her trust back, if she ever fully trusts him again.
what is was like for them?

-—
101
FACILITATE THE DISCOVERY OF COUPLE THERAPY
NEW ACTION
The initial therapeutic engagement of the man is generally

Throughout therapy, the therapist endeavors to discover and carried out in an individual therapy setting, whether he is living with or
highlight evidence of the man attempting to stand up to restraining habits separate from his partner. If violence is an identified problem, I find
and ideas. Examples of these attempts are solicited and then discussed, individual therapy with the man to be helpful in emphasizing his
examined in detail and contrasted with old practices. responsibility for the violence and encouraging him to "stand on his own
Frequently, men fail to notice their own departures from old two feet", even if both partners are keen to engage in couple therapy.
habits and remain preoccupied with perceived failures in other areas. The Once the man is putting forward some argument for responsibility for his
man is invited first to notice and then to attribute meaning to these events. violence (generally after one or two sessions), it may be appropriate to
The therapist may respond in somewhat dramatic ways to draw attention invite him to join a men's group and/or to see him with his partner, if the
to achievements and help the man to notice them. (White,1986a). couple are living together or both desire to reunite.
For example, a man who resists the tendency to pursue his The men's group has advantages in addressing violence because
partner after having harassed her for a period of time, may be responded its gender-based composition emphasizes that men are responsible for
to with surprise or even shock: their violence and that men can help one another to cease it rather than
You didn't ring her or try to visit her once!!!? How did you do it? rely on their partners. Partners do not attend the group and consequently
Did you get a friend to check up on her? the control of violence is not seen as their responsibility. Appropriately
Were you sick? timed couple work can be invaluable in conjunction with a men's group or
Was she away on holidays? on it's own. The therapist can then be sensitive to the woman's needs and
You have been a slave to your insecure feelings for years. How did you stand can understand and help her to clarify her goals with respect to the
up to them? relationship. Levels of safety in the relationship can be monitored and the
How did they try to pull the wool over your eyes? therapist can compare and contrast the man's perceptions of events with
How did you manage to see it like it really is? those of his partner.
Wliat does this step tell you about yourself? Partners can also be helped to understand the major principles
What does it tell you about your own strength and the direction that you are of therapy with domestic violence. In particular, the priority of addressing
heading in ? violence first and the tenet that the man is fully responsible for his own
I do not find it helpful to praise the man for his achievements. violence are important for the woman to understand and may help
This only tends to encourage dependency on the therapist's opinion to alleviate her tendency to feel responsibility. Women partners can also be
evaluate his behaviour or rejection of a compliment. It is more helpful to helped to understand the aims and practices designed to promote
invite the man to notice his own achievements and attribute his own responsibility, that are employed in the men's group. This can help prevent
meaning to them in terms of his personal goals and those of his the confusion and misunderstanding which sometimes occurs when
relationship. partners first encounter new ideas such as "time out". Most importantly,
the therapist can address any of the woman's restraining beliefs and

_
103
practices which foster the man's pattern of reliance on her to take Can you handle Jill talking honestly about your violence?
responsibility for his violence. In this way, the therapist may more Do you think it is safe for Jill to talk about your violence or would it be wiser
effectively help disrupt interactional restraints. for her to keep her mouth shut?
The woman may be invited to consider how she can take The therapist may enquire of the woman:
responsibility for her own safety but decline taking responsibility for her Do you think that Jack can handle you talking honestly about his violence or
partner's violence. She may be encouraged to develop a sense of do you think he needs you to water it down a bit?
entitlement to her own rights, independence and safety from violence and Do you think he can handle you speaking your true feelings or do you think
intimidation. She may be helped to discover new ways of evaluating her he will crack up after the session?
partner's actions which are based on objective evidence rather than The therapist can then check the man's opinion on these issues
obligation, hope or wishful thinking. and enquire further:
The therapist may clarify some of these issues in an individual Do you think that Jill will feel safe enough to talk openly here?
appointment with the woman before establishing a joint appointment, Do you think that Jill will be worried about what you will do when you both
particularly in view of the fact that she may feel intimidated and unable to leave here?
talk freely in the presence of her partner. At the least, the man's Do you think that Jill can handle talking honestly about your violence or do
permission should be sought for the therapist to make contact with his you think that she is likefy to feel disloyal, guilty or that she is letting you
partner by phone. I believe that the therapist has a responsibility, not just down ?
to consider the needs of the male client but also to ensure that therapy is The therapist can then seek the woman's opinion on these
sensitive to the needs of those victimized by his abusive behaviour. The matters.
following discussion of couple therapy focusses specifically on the In this way, the therapist not only monitors each partner's
engagement of abusive men in a couple context. It does not intend to perception of safety but can externalize fears and restraints to openness,
cover all issues relevant for working with abused women. invite challenge to these restraints and give permission for honest
In couple work, as in individual therapy, the therapist may invite expression of feelings and opinions.
both partners to focus on the issue of violence and the man to accept Both partners are invited to externalize and challenge their own
responsibility for his violence and challenge restraints to responsibility. In restraints to the man accepting responsibility for his violence.
couple therapy, there is an additional focus. The woman is invited to The woman is invited to examine her partner's pattern of
decline accepting any responsibility for her partner's violence and to reliance on her to take responsibility for his violence and to examine
challenge restraints to taking responsibility for herself and her own trends in this pattern over time:
actions, as opposed to those of her partner. How long has Jack been relying on you to:
The woman may come to therapy feeling afraid to talk openly - watch/look after his moods/feelings for him ?
and honestly about her partner's violence. She may feel obliged to accept - put the brakes on his violence for him?
some responsibility for his violence and attempt to minimise its - forgive/put up with his violence?
significance. Her acceptance of responsibility for her partner's behaviour - keep your thoughts/feelings to yourself?
may be accompanied by feelings of shame or guilt. . - go along with his ideas?
The therapist may help to establish a context for safety and - stay in the back seat of your relationship?
self-responsibility by monitoring each partner's readiness to discuss openly What signs are there that Jack is standing on his own two feet and becoming
sensitive issues, such as violence, throughout the initial couple contact. If less reliant on you ?
the women begins to address her partner's violence, the therapist may Is Jack relying on you more over time or is he becoming more able to stand
interrupt and enquire of the man: on his own two feet?

_
_
Is he becoming more reliant on you to take charge of his violence or is he Irresistible invitations to self-responsibility can be delivered
setting his own limits more over time? very effectively in a couple context. These invitations may be particularly
What do you think will happen if he continues to refy on you in this way? compelling and challenging when one partner is asked to predict the
What would it mean for your relationship ? other's responses. Strong invitations are provided for each partner to
What would happen if you: externalize and challenge their own restraining habits and ideas. For
- stopped looking after his moods/feelings for him ? example, if the women states that she is not convinced that her partner
- no longer forgave/put up with violence? could handle her speaking her own mind, then the onus is placed on the
- stopped keeping your thoughts and feelings to yourself? man to find ways with both words and actions to convince her.
The therapist may invite the woman to consider the relative The therapist may ask the woman:
influence of socio-cultural and family traditions, regarding "back Do you think that Jack could handle you speaking your mind or do you
seat-nurturance" roles for women, in her life. Trends in time may be think that he needs you to protect him/look after his feelings, by pretending
examined by asking questions, like the following: to go. along with his ideas?
Do you think that Jill is taking more or less responsibility for your violence Do you think that Jack could handle it if you resigned from the back seat of
over time? your marriage?
Do you think that Jill is: Do you think he could handle you being your own person or do you think he
- watching/looking after your feelings more or less over time? needs you to pretend to be his person?
- putting the brakes on, etc? Do you think he wants to stand on his own two feet or do you think he
Wl\at tells you this? would rather have you prop him up by looking after his feelings/moods for
Are you aware of times when Jill has refused to stay in the back seat of your him?
relationship and stood up for what she believes? Do you think that Jack needs you to stay in the back seat to have a marriage
Are you aware of times when Jill has practised being her own person and with you or could he handle you being in the front seat?
speaking her own mind, rather than pretending to be your person? Do you think Jack wants to take charge of his own violence ordoyou think
Do you think Jill is getting more into or more out of being a back seat he needs you to do it for him?
nurturer over time? Do you think Jack approves of you leaving the back seat/stopping taking
Do you think that Jill is trying to carry more of your responsibilities in the responsibility for his violence?
relationship over time or is she leaving your responsibilities more to you to What makes you think this?
carry? What evidence have you seen that Jack wants it this way?
Do you think that Jill is feeling more entitled over time to - be her own What evidence have you sen that Jack can handle you speaking your
person? - speak her own mind? - feel safe/treated respectfully? or is she mind/disagreeing with him/making your own decisions, etc.?
feeling more guilty/disloyal about this over time? The therapist can then check back with the man for his opinions
Do you think that Jill would be prepared to stay in a relationship where she on these matters before enquiring of him:
continued to be subject to violence and abuse? Do you think that Jill would feel safe enough to speak her mind at home or
I find it most helpful to first ask the man these questions and would she be too scared of a backlash from you ?
invite him to speculate and comment on his perceptions of his partner's What would you need to do to reassure her that she is safe no matter what
experience and behaviour. I then ask the woman to comment and give her she says or does?
opinions. This kind of questioning process encourages greater sensitivity What would you need to do to convince her that you are interested in her
and invites couples to externalize restraints to self-responsibility in open opinions?
discussion.

— —
Do you think that Jill feels that it is safe for her to give up taking each of them of the fact that they have slavishly followed old habits for
responsibility for your violence, by no longer walking on egg shells? some time and that the pull of these old recipes for relating will prove
Do you think that Jill is ready to leave the back seat and join you in the front almost irresistible at times. They are invited to anticipate, predict and
seat of the marriage? plan for obstacles which they will encounter in their paths. It may be
Do you think that she is ready to give up looking after your feelings and start necessary to advise them to consider the wisdom of an initial period of
looking after her own more? separation or less frequent contact, in order to help establish
Do you think that she is ready to say "No" to things that she disagrees with independence and disrupt habitual, restraining patterns of interaction.
or disapproves of? Such advice can be shocking, at first, for couples who feel committed to
Do you think she could handle putting her own needs forward after so much staying together and they may argue strongly against the idea. The
practise at trying to look after others needs? therapist should not back down but remind them of the difficulty of
Do you think Jill would feel right about being more of her own person or do changing old habits whilst spending so much time together and inform
you think she would feel too guilty in putting her own needs forward? them that couples who separate for a time are generally more successful
Do you think that Jill is ready to stand up to the feelings of guilt or in changing these habits. If the couple insist on maintaining the amount of
selfishness that might accompany this change? contact with each other, they can be invited to test their abilities to stand
Do you think that Jill could stand up to her old habit of being sucked in and up to unhelpful habits, under such challenging circumstances, over a
backing down, if your feelings got hurt? period of time and to reconsider the need for a period of separation at the
What makes you think this? next appointment. In this way, whatever the couple decides, interactional
What evidence have you seen that Jill is ready for this? restraints to self-responsibility can be more potently externalized and
The therapist can then check back with the woman for her challenged.
opinion on these matters. When the man argues that his partner should The therapist may help the woman to develop realistic criteria
feel safe to speak her mind, etc., the woman can be invited to comment on for evaluating change in her partner's behaviour. She is encouraged to
her experience in recent situations: monitor objective evidence of respectful behaviour as opposed to promises
When you last disagreed with Jack: and statements of intent. In this way, she is encouraged to use behavioural
- what happened? evidence rather than feelings of obligation, hope and wishfuj thinking, in
- how did he handle it? order to make judgements about trends in violence and abuse in the
- how did you handle it? relationship.
The onus is placed on the man to establish a safe environment The woman is advised to avoid premature trust in her partner's
and convince his partner that she is safe under all circumstances. changes, with respect to violence. She is encouraged to continue to
If the man is arguing for "standing on his own two feet" and is monitor the evidence provided by her partner's actions and to avoid letting
uncertain whether his partner could handle speaking her mind and "being go of fear, doubt and mistrust until she is convinced, beyond a shadow of
her own person" due to feelings of guilt, disloyalty and misguided doubt, that the changes have withstood the test of time and of challenging
nurturance, the woman may be invited to put stronger arguments for self- circumstances. Permission for the woman to be cautious and take her tune
responsibility. in accepting her partners changes, helps challenge traditions of female
If the woman feels safe enough and ready to practise taking less obligation which suggest that she should have faith in his stated intentions
responsibility for her partner's feelings and behaviour and to practise and the continuation of new behaviours, regardless of past evidence to the
"being her own person",then she may be invited to invent creative ways to contrary.
translate these ideas Into actions. Both partners may be invited to The man is continually reminded that the onus is on him to
consider their readiness to take new action. I find it helpful to remind demonstrate long term change before expecting his partner to trust him or
Invitations to Responsibility AJan Jenkins

108 " ™" W9
fully commit herself to the relationship. He may be encouraged to monitor When Nick and Julie were interviewed together, Nick proudly exclaimed that
nd take responsibility for his own self-righteous feelings and thoughts they had not even had an argument in this time. It soon became apparent
which are experienced when his partner does not immediately embrace his that Julie had been "keeping my mouth shut" and avoiding conflict by
changes. It may be helpful to advise him to be vigilant for any signs of his deferring to Nick-in areas of potential disagreement, for fear that "Nick might
partner establishing closeness or trusting his changes prematurely, perhaps return to the way he was".
out of a sense of obligation or responsibility. Nick was asked whether he could genuinely feel confident in his ability to
The man is also invited to extend his understanding and leave violence behind him unless he faced arguments with Julie without
sensitivity, particularly towards his partner's experience. The woman may resorting to violent behaviour. He was asked whether he needed Julie's
be asked, in his presence: protection or whether he could handle her saying what she really thinks. In
Do you think Jack understands what he has put you through - why you have this way, the therapist was able to "prescribe arguments" and challenge both
been so fearful - why you have so little trust in him? Nick and Julie to take further steps towards establishing and maintaining a
Do you think he understands how long it may take to develop trust in him non-violent relationship.
again - that you may never trust him fully again ? Both partners are encouraged to develop a healthy attitude
Do you think that he can respect your feelings or do you think he will towards arguments and to understand the important role that arguments
succumb to impatience/insensitivity and try to demand that you trust him play in the normal development of relationships. Once the woman no
prematurely? longer feels restrained by obligation and fear, it is inevitable that she will
Do you think that he is prepared to wait however long it takes to earn your feel safer in expressing her feelings and differences. The man is
trust and respect - in your time, or do you think he will try to demand it back encouraged to prepare himself for the inevitable increase in arguments
- in his time? and disagreements and to regard this as a healthy sign of change as well
The therapist can then check with the man for his opinions on as an opportunity for practise in non-violent conflict.
these matters. Once again, the onus is on him to develop and act on this Both partners may be invited to strive for balance in terms of
understanding and sensitivity. who takes responsibility for maintenance of the relationship. This is
When there is evidence that the man is taking responsibility for especially important in relationships where the woman has worked hardest
his own feelings and has not engaged in violence for some time, the for the social and emotional responsibilities. She may experience her
therapist may encourage conflict testing. The man is invited to test himself partner as "selfish", "lazy" or "uncaring". He is likely to experience her as
fully by facing up to arguments and challenging situations in order to "nagging" and "never satisfied".
consolidate his ability to behave non-violently under challenging The woman may be asked questions like the following:
circumstances. This strategy can help him to develop confidence in his Do you think Jack wants to make a contribution to your marriage or do you
own ability to think clearly, avoid surrendering to insecure feelings and think he is prepared to leave it up to you to take responsibility for the
stay in charge of his actions, regardless of the circumstances in which he marriage?
finds himself. He is advised against developing a false sense of confidence Do you think Jack wants to take an equal share of responsibility in your
and relying on strategies which involve avoiding arguments or falling back marriage or do you think he wants you to carry some of his load for him ?
into the pattern of expecting his partner to back off and keep the peace. Do you think that Jack could handle this after having relied on you for so
The notion is put forward that he must be able to handle high levels of long?
behaviour which he may regard as unreasonable or provocative, without Do you think Jack could handle it if you stop reminding him and getting on
resorting to violence, before he can regard himself as having quit violence. his back or do you think he needs you to be on his back?"
Nick had just finished a men's group and was feeling confident because he The therapist can check back with the man for his opinions on
had not behaved in a violent way towards his wife, Julie, in four months. these matters before asking him:
_
__
Do you think that Jill is ready and prepared to share responsibility in the SEPARATION COUNSELLING
marriage?
Do you think that she could handle stepping back - not reminding you etc.,
after so much practise?
Do you think she could handle you making your own contributions in your
own ways or do you think that she needs you do it her way?
Both partners are encouraged to continue to discover ways to
maintain a healthy balance between separateness/in dependence and Couple therapy does not always lead to maintenance of the
togetherness in their relationship. This may mean developing more relationship. The goals are mutual respect, sensitivity and cessation of
separate interests and activities; a process which usually begins in the abuse. One or both partners may decide to terminate the relationship.
initial period of separation, when both partners begin to develop a sense When one or both partners decide to separate, difficulties are
of independence. Initial gains, however, may be lost when the couple often experienced in successfully achieving the separation. These
reunites, unless there is an emphasis placed on the importance of difficulties can be seen to result from the highly mutually dependent
separateness. Both partners are encouraged to find active ways to show nature of the relationship. Sometimes the separation is only partially
respect for each others separateness and independence and to challenge achieved. Both partners may live in separate houses but still maintain
cultural myths regarding togetherness in relationships. considerable "investment" with each other in the same manner as before -
that is one which is based on notions of male ownership and female
obligation. Such partial separations may endure for long periods of time
with both partners reporting considerable dissatisfaction and distress.
Sometimes the couple may cohabit once again and re-establish the original
pattern of violence, e.g. One couple described their "drift" back together,
because we were both lonely and unhappy and there was nothing else to do.
Some men still attempt to exert ownership over their ex-
partners following separation, particularly if the ex-partners have initiated
the separation. They may engage in attempts to follow ex-partners around
in obvious ways, make frequent phone calls, question their ex-partner's
friends regarding their actions and whereabouts, drive past their ex-
partner's house and engage in other forms of pursuit for long periods of
time, especially if the ex-partners do not take strong action to stop this.
These men often state that they have finished with the
relationship but act in ways that indicate that they are still highly invested.
This contradiction can be pointed out and the consequences of
maintaining the investment can be predicted. For example:
Greg was attending a men's group. He had been separated from his wife
Chris for three months, at her instigation. She was showing no signs of
wanting to re-establish the relationship and was living at an address unknown
to Greg. Greg told the group that his relationship with Chris was finished -
"I don't give a stuff about her anymore" and that he was nonlocking after

_
112
myself and my own life". He then related how he had called Chris a "fucking
slut" after meeting her and discovering that she had gone out with another
man. He also cut up his marriage certificate and mailed it to her parents
along with his wedding ring and then reported to the Department of Social
Security that she was illegally claiming a benefit. Later, he spent considerable
time and energy finding out her address and sent her a letter, telling her that
he didn't care a bit about her anymore. Greg reported that he had met with
Chris on another occasion and given her some "helpful advice and support"
regarding difficulties that she was having with her parents.
The contradiction between Greg's stated intention - to live his own
life - and his actions was pointed out to him as were some of the different
ways in which he was attempting to maintain his investment with Chris. The
tendency to maintain a relationship based on vengeance along with the
tendency to try to establish a relationship as Chris' "social worker" and try to
solve her problems, were discussed. Predictions were made about the
consequences of Greg continuing this investment. One group member
suggested that Greg's motto was "Don't get mad, get even". Greg responded
to these suggestions with increased resolve to avoid making contact with
Chris, either directly or indirectly and to practise living his own life.
Some women also continue to invest in the relationship after
separation. This investment may be unwanted and based on fear, or
unwitting and based on notions of female obligation. Such a woman may
tolerate her ex-partner's intrusive ownership displays and protect him from
legal consequences. She may hope that his pursuit behaviour will stop
without her needing to take firm action. She may feel obligated to try to
help her ex-partner to deal with his problems by offering emotional
support or "a shoulder to cry on." One woman explained that if she had
sex with her ex-partner on one occasion when he was feeling distressed
and "needing it", then he might go away and leave her alone in the future.
Of course, consideration for the woman's safety must be taken if she-
decides to stop investing in a relationship.
Once again the consequences of these actions for both persons,
in terms of successfully establishing separate and fulfilling lifestyles can be
predicted and discussed. If either partner continues to invest energy in a
past relationship, then they will be unlikely to be able to face the challenge
of developing a new life style and may return to unsatisfactory
relationships out of a sense of desperation and loneliness.
_

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INVITATIONS

"The old grey donkey, Eeyore, stood by himself in a

A A. Milne (1926) "Winnie-the-Pooh"

Invitations to Responsibility Alan Jenkins

Invitations to Responsibility Alan Jenkins

Invitations to Responsibility Alan Jenkins

Invitations to Responsibility Alan Jenkins

Invitations to Responsibility Alan Jenkins

Invitations to Responsibility Alan Jenkins

Invitations to Responsibility Alan Jenkins

Invitations to Responsibility Alan Jenkins

Invitations to Responsibility Alan Jenkins

Invitations to Responsibility Alan Jenkins

Invitations to Responsibility Alan Jenkins

Invitations to Responsibility - Alan Jenkins

7 now know that I him you more than I ever realised.

Excerpt from a letter written by an

Invitations to Responsibility Alan Jenkins

Invitations to Responsibility Alan Jenkins

Invitations to Responsibility Alan Jenkins

Invitations to Responsibility Alan Jenkins

Invitations to Responsibility Alan Jenkins

Invitations to Responsibility Alan Jenkins

Invitations to Responsibility Alan Jenkins

Invitations to Responsibility Alan Jenkins

Invitations to Responsibility Alan Jenkins

Invitations to Responsibility Alan Jenkins

Invitations to Responsibility Alan Jenkins

invitations to Responsibility Alan Jenkins

Invita tions to Responsibility Alan Jenkins

Invitations to Responsibility Alan Jenkins

Invitations to Responsibility Alan Jenkins

The initial therapeutic engagement of the man is generally

Invitations to Responsibility Alan Jenkins

Invitations to Responsibility Alan Jenkins

Invitations to Responsibility Alan Jenkins

Invitations to Responsibility AJan Jenkins

Invitations to Responsibility Alan Jenkins

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