7 signs that you are a good parent to your kids They may seem small or petty to you, but

petty to you, but if you dismiss the

As a parent, are you comparing yourself too much with other small ones, then they won’t go to you for the big ones.
parents? Being a good parent isn't all about how good you're 3. Your child discusses thoughts and feelings with you
doing compared to other people. Your only metric for without fearing judgment
success is your relationship with your kids. This means you and your child have an accepting, open, and
Who’s a good parent? You are! flexible relationship.
Modern parents these days hold themselves to significantly Some parents unwittingly make the mistake of restricting
higher standards than when our parents were raising us. We communication between them and their children. This can be
struggle to do the best we can, afraid that we’re failing our by overreacting to their children’s thoughts or feelings, or by
kids. Are you always worried about being a good parent to telling their kids to shut up when kids criticise them.
your kids? If they say something like “I don’t like brushing my teeth,”
It’s just so tempting and easy to compare ourselves to you don’t need to scold them about it. Ask them why first and
friends, relatives, or even social-media-famous parents. We tell them nicely what would happen if they don’t brush their
should stop seeing other parents as a measuring stick to our teeth. Having healthy, decent discussions with your children
success. Instead we should look at our kids and how they’re helps build respect between the two of you.
doing, physically, mentally, and emotionally, as our measure 4. Your feedback is non-critical and non-labeling
of whether we’re being a good parent or not. A good parent avoids labels like “naughty,” “ugly,” “greedy,”
If you’re parenting with the love and compassion that comes “lazy,” “fat,” or “bad.” Parents should also avoid labels or
freely and unconditionally, then everything else follows. stereotypes by pointing out something as too “girly” or
Clinical psychologist Nadene van der Linden says that there “boyish.”
are seven signs we’re doing alright as far as being a good Giving too much critical feedback boxes in your child,
parent is concerned. represses them, and puts pressure on them to be people
7 Signs That — Yes — You’re Being A Good Parent you prefer instead of love. And when a child is repressed
good parent and pressured, they might go off and release that pressure
It’s easy to know whether you’re being a good parent or not. later on in ugly ways – like an unexploded landmine.
1. Your child shows you a range of emotions If your child ruins the cake in the fridge, focus on the
Children can be volatile when they’re discovering big behaviour (“You did a bad thing”), not the child (“You are a
emotions. They may be difficult to handle sometimes, but bad boy”).
your child’s willingness to express anger, sadness, guilt, or 5. You encourage your child to pursue interests and talents
fear in front of you is a good sign. It means they feel When children pursue their interests and practice their
emotionally safe with you. There is no fear of being judged talents, they feel a sense of achievement. It gives them
or scolded. something to focus on, not because they were forced to do
Parents should be worried when their children hide their something, but because their interest resonates with what
feelings from them. This is often a sign of the child’s lack of they want and who they are.
trust in you, and probably a deeper problem in your Encouraging your child’s interests and talents positively
relationship with them. engages them through their teen years, up until their young
So do not shut them down. Pay attention to them. Show adult years. It teaches them persistence and perseverance,
them that you appreciate them and that they don’t need to and give them a greater sense of fulfilment.
be afraid of expressing how they feel. Show them that they
can trust you. It’s not good to direct your child’s interest to fulfil your
You can say “I can see from how you’re destroying your toys unrealized dreams and needs. Forcing them to excel at
that you’re very angry. And you’re telling me this is because something they don’t want can only lead to disaster, even
your sister won’t let you play.” It shows that you understand when they appear to be doing well.
what they’re going through, and that you can handle their 6. You create boundaries on behaviour to keep your child
emotions. safe
2. Your child goes to you when they have a problem A good parent guides their child’s behaviour by setting down
You know you’re being a good parent when your child healthy boundaries and limits. Without knowing their
comes to you for advice or comfort when they have a boundaries and limits, children grow up either entitled or
problem. This means you have built a strong bond between unable to tell when people or walking all over them.
the two of you that’s based on trust. You provided your child Teach them that there are limits to what they can do to/with
with a secure space that your child can go to when they’re other people, and there are limits to what people can do
feeling vulnerable. to/with them. They can’t just take their classmate’s stuff.
That’s what homemaking is all about, after all. For them, you That’s a boundary. And certainly, their classmates can’t just
are home. take their stuff as well. That’s a boundary, too.
Encourage this by welcoming your child with open arms, These boundaries range from ethical and moral boundaries,
whatever the circumstance, and listen to their problems. to etiquette (respectful language), to routines (brushing their
teeth).
7. You fix your mistakes I know that a parent is doing an awesome job when their
The willingness to acknowledge your mistake and fix it is a child comes to them as a first port of call for their problems.
sign of a good parent. It tells your children that you value This means you have provided a secure base that your child
them more than your own ego. So when you do something can return to when he needs help.
that’s out of line, whether you yell, overreact, or insult your A good way to encourage this is to welcome your child with
child, fix it. open arms and listen to his problems, even if small or the
Talk to your child, admit your mistakes, and tell them you problem seems petty to you. This sets up the relationship to
want to make up for it. You can ask them what they’d wish be open to communication about things that are difficult in
you had done instead, because it takes into account their your child’s life.
wants and needs, instead of making it all about you. 3. Your child can discuss thoughts and feelings without
What being a good parent is all about fearing your reaction
Being a good parent is not about whether your child has a This is a positive sign of an accepting, open and flexible
diet that befits an athlete or has high grades. It’s about parent-child relationship. Some parents unwittingly restrict
having a healthy relationship with them as young people, communication with their child through their behavior, such
setting the stage for a closer, more secure relationship as as over-reacting to thoughts or feelings they don’t like or
they grow older. those that question their behavior as a parent.
This type of relationship creates an environment where your Other parents appear so fragile to their children that they
child can thrive and become a well-adjusted teenager and don’t want to burden their parent with their thoughts and
then an adult. Having a relationship based on external feelings. I get concerned when parents say, “My child is my
factors like beauty, intelligence, or academic achievement is rock.” Parents are the rocks; children should never be their
no match to a relationship based on love, respect, trust, and parent’s rock.
compassion.
So who’s a good parent? You are. You can support this by accepting your child’s thoughts and
Source: feelings without making it be about who you are. If you need
https://ph.theasianparent.com/good- additional support for your feelings, do that with another
parent?fbclid=IwAR0fc509sG2ASBWsCcSkGYJJMS9g67gE adult—not with your child.
6QrLuUG7TPKeksGHXvBPCGtSBqo 4. Your feedback is non-critical and non-labeling
https://www.mother.ly/life/7-signs-youre-parenting-right- Awesome parents give non-critical feedback about behavior
according-to-a-clinical- and avoid labels such as ‘bad’, ‘naughty’, ‘greedy’ and ‘lazy.’
psychologist?utm_source=synd&utm_medium=synd&utm_c If your child eats all the chocolate biscuits before anyone
ampaign=HuffPo#close else has a chance to share them, an awesome parent
7 signs you’re parenting right, according to a clinical focuses on the behavior: “You ate all the biscuits without
psychologist sharing. It is important in our home that you share with your
Nadene van der Linden siblings. How do you think you could make this up to your
Parents often worry that they are failing their kids. Modern family?”
parents hold themselves to higher standards as we guide This is very different from saying, “You greedy girl. Go to
our children to adulthood. It’s easy to get caught in a your room.”
comparison trap with other parents or look for outwardly 5. You encourage your child to pursue interests and talents
measurable signs of our success. Pursuing interests and talents helps children feel a sense of
In my work as a clinical psychologist, there are seven signs I mastery and achievement. It can positively engage children
see that tell me a child has an awesome parent. through the teen and young adult years, teaching
1. Your child displays a range of emotions in front of you persistence and helping protect against risk-taking behavior.
Sometimes the timing of our child’s big emotions is difficult. It’s a wonderful thing to excel at something you love.
We may not wish to see as much of the big emotions as we Sometimes, I see parents directing children’s interests to
do, but your child’s ability to express anger, sadness, or fear fulfil unmet dreams and needs of their own. When you force
in front of you is a good sign that she feels emotionally safe a child to excel for your own reasons, all sorts of things can
with you. go wrong, even when they look like they’re going right. This
It worries me greatly when children hide their feelings from can set children up for feeling like a failure, feeling intense
their parents. Often, this is a sign of big problems in the levels of pressure and feeling controlled.
parent-child relationship. Avoid shutting down or distracting Also, if they fail and a narcissist parent’s ambition is behind
your child out of her feelings. Instead, pay attention and it, children wear the burden of disappointing their parent on
show appreciation for them. top of their own disappointment.
“I can see from how you’re kicking the wall that you’re very 6. You create boundaries on behavior to keep your child safe
angry. And you’re telling me this is because your sister won’t Awesome parents guide their child’s behavior by setting
let you play.” This tells your child you can handle her feelings considered boundaries and limits. Children without limits and
and you understand her perspective. boundaries often end up in a lot of trouble or lost.
2. Your child comes to you when hurt or facing a problem
Boundaries help children feel loved and valued, even if they snowing. Say to yourself, “She is small and still
don’t like the boundaries some of the time. Some examples learning,” or “’She’s only 2.”
of helpful limits include a bedtime routine, respectful 2. Notice and celebrate your child’s strengths, abilities,
language towards family members, and not permitting teens and capacity to learn and develop. Each child is
to attend parties where alcohol is supplied. unique, growing and learning at his own pace.
7. You repair your mistakes Maybe your daughter is a bold explorer who gets
Being able to repair relationship ruptures with your child is a into everything, or your son hangs back until he gets
sign of being an awesome parent. If you yell, over-react, or to know someone. Make a conscious effort to really
call your child a name, it is important to repair that rupture see your child. The number one thing every child
with your child. needs is someone who is crazy about him.
Talking with your child about how you wished you had
handled the situation can help. Explaining that your big 3. Delight in moments of connection with your child. It’s
feelings got in the way of you being able to respond in the easy to get distracted by the day-to-day grind of
way you should have also helps. parenting: dishes, laundry, naps, and transitions
Although it’s tempting to look for signs of successful from one activity to the next. Remember to pause
parenting, such as reading levels, whether they eat the “right and make eye contact while buckling him into his car
foods,” or win on the football field, successful parenting is seat. Offer big smiles when he wants to show you
about providing a secure base for your child. This creates a something and offer close cuddles while you read a
place from which your child can thrive. It consists of an book. This is the magic we can find when we make a
ongoing lifelong relationship not contingent on external little space in the everyday grind for love and
results, but rather on love, respect, and connection. connection.
That’s what being an awesome parent all is about.
Originally posted by Nadene van der Linden on Parent Co. 4. Respond with interest and sensitivity to your child’s
Nadene van der Linden is a clinical psychologist in private cues. Every child communicates her needs
practice who writes regularly Parent Co and PsychCentral. differently. Taking the time to watch and learn your
Join the Unshakeable Calm facebook group today for child’s cues and communications teaches her that
science-based tips to help women live calm and confident she’s important and cherished. Your baby may let
lives. you know he needs a break by turning away. Your
Nadene van der Linden Nadene van der Linden is a clinical toddler may let you know the mall has too much
psychologist in private practice. Nadene is the author of the stimulation by having a tantrum in the food court.
much loved Tales from the Parenting Trenches: a clinical Responding as sensitively as you possibly can in
psychologist vs motherhood. Join the Unshakeable Calm these moments ensures your little one gets what he
facebook group today. Science based tips for calm and needs from you.
confident living.
Nine Elements That Power Positive Parenting 5. Provide consistent, age-based guidelines, limits, and
Mar 14, 2018 boundaries. Parenting is a combination of nurture
By Kathy Kinsner, Sarah S. MacLaughlin, and Rebecca and structure. All children need guidance on how to
Parlakian behave. Maintaining predictable routines and setting
Parenting comes with mistakes and missteps. What makes a kind, firm limits really helps. Your child is more likely
parent great is recognizing when things haven't gone right to cooperate with your guidance if you crouch down
and responding with love to repair the relationship. That's at her level, make eye contact, and put your hand on
positive parenting in action. her shoulder before telling her it’s time for a diaper
When you have bits of cereal in your hair or you’re listening change.
to the wails of a tiny person who refuses to get in the car, the
term “Positive Parenting” may make you grit your teeth and 6. Recognize and regulate your own feelings and
roll your eyes. But Positive Parenting isn’t about being behaviors before responding to your child. This
perfect, always being cheerful, or having the most sounds like common sense, but it is way harder to
photogenic Instagram. “Positive parenting” gives words to pull off than many of us thought. Young children are
what parents do every day—challenges included—and naturally driven by their strong emotions. We do
keeps the big picture in mind. better as parents (and role models!) when we take
Here are nine key elements that power a positive approach deep breaths and calm ourselves first before
to parenting: responding to their behavior.
1. Imagine your child’s point of view, especially during
tough moments. We all want to keep our cool! 7. Know that parenting can be stressful and missteps
Sometimes it helps to remember that your child’s are part of raising a child. We can’t be calm, cool,
perspective is very different from yours. She really is and collected all the time. There will always be
devastated that she can’t wear sandals when it’s moments when we lose our tempers. Apologizing
 when you’re wrong and setting things right is part of Accept that you cannot control the other parent. The only
building a relationship, and helps children learn how person you have control over is yourself. Focus on what you
to do this as they grow older. can do to tune in to and nurture your child’s unique needs.
Trying to make your coparent do it your way is rarely an
8. Work toward balancing your needs and your child’s effective strategy.
needs. Don’t forget about you! It’s so easy to get Agree that nurturing your child’s healthiest development is
wrapped up in the demands of parenting that you the shared goal – your anchor point for decision making.
can forget to take care of yourself. Plan for breaks Your focus should be about what your child needs and how
throughout the day; even two minutes of deep to best meet those needs. If that is your focus, it is easier to
breathing can help. Pay attention to your needs for resist using the conflicts around child-rearing as
socializing, sleep, exercise, and nutrition, too. opportunities to get back at, or punish the other parent.
If you can’t agree on basic expectations and approaches to
9. Seek help, support, or additional information on discipline, matter-of-factly acknowledge to your child that
parenting when you need it. Every parent eventually there are differences between your homes – without
runs into a challenging child-rearing issue. Children throwing the other parent under the bus. Blaming your
need a lot from their adults and parents are pulled in coparent causes more distress for children who are trying to
many different directions. Don’t shy away from navigate through an already complex situation. You can use
asking for help from friends, family, or professionals. phrases such as: “That’s right, Mommy and I have different
All parents need—and deserve—support. rules in our houses. Mommy’s rule is you can eat in front of
the TV; Daddy’s rule is no TV during mealtime. I know you
Taking the long view generally helps as well. Parenting is a like Mommy’s rule better because you like TV. But we’ll tell
marathon, not a sprint. There will always be mistakes and stories instead at our meals.” Once children see that you are
missteps, but part of being a great parent is recognizing sticking to your limit, they will adapt.
when things haven’t gone right and responding with love to Plan regular times to communicate about what each of you
repair the relationship. That’s positive parenting in action. is seeing, experiencing and learning about your child. If
The definition of Positive Parenting referenced above was possible, calmly share what these observations are telling
developed by a ZERO TO THREE committee of staff, Board you about what your child needs to cope and thrive. For
Members, and Fellows. Copyright ZERO TO THREE 2018. example, many years ago when my ex-husband and I
https://www.zerotothree.org/resources/2198-nine-elements- separated, we noticed that our son, who was 6 at the time,
that-power-positive- had a much harder time when his Dad did school drop-off.
parenting?fbclid=IwAR06tGpMhG_PbHpkCzM3o7TPyLi1xFu He would get very upset and have a hard time coping and
Lu--BNpChAx5QnVzO1NUaHHNpWKk making the transition to school. When we talked about it with
Living Apart, Parenting Together: Collaborating with him, he was able to articulate that he hated the image of his
your Coparent dad driving away from him. So we changed our plan so that I
May 3, 2018 did drop off whenever I could and his dad picked him up at
By Claire Lerner the end of the day—for the reunion, if you will. By working
First, the good news: Children are very adaptable. together to address this unexpected emotional need, we
Children quickly learn that different settings and different helped him feel more secure at home and school.
people have different expectations – and they respond Kids don’t grow up in perfect worlds, nor do they need to.
accordingly. For example, I was constantly amazed by all the What children do need are parents who, whether living
things my children did for themselves at childcare that I was together or not, demonstrate respect for each other,
still doing for them at home! Many kids discover that begging communicate calmly and without anger, and who make their
to stay up late might work with grandma but not auntie. Or child’s needs the central focus of their decision-making.
that mom will feed me but my teachers expect me to use If you need help doing this, you are not alone. Remember,
utensils and feed myself. any steps you take to thoughtfully work together with your
The same goes for living in two separate homes with coparent will help you become the parent you want to be for
different sets of rules: children will adapt to the expectations your children.
in each setting. For more parenting strategies, read Claire Lerner’s article:
Yes, it is indeed ideal for separated parents to try to agree How to Find Harmony When Parents Disagree.
on a basic approach to childrearing, as children tend to https://www.zerotothree.org/resources/2243-living-apart-
adapt more easily when there is consistency in rules from parenting-together-collaborating-with-your-
one setting to another. coparent?fbclid=IwAR1m38fwUxTqFXGUcambUFZuvW2fkP
But when there are disagreements – not uncommon for 2rSgfStUN7uSRbLOXdQqYg7mZmatA
parents living together or separately – here are a few Positive Parenting Defined
principles that can help you find harmony even when you Positive parenting: is it just one more meaningless buzz
aren’t on the exact same page. word or phrase? The first time I heard that phrase, I went
blank. “What are we talking about here?” I wondered. “What Jim places his relationship with Eric, and the boy’s current
is positive parenting defined?” problem, before disciplining him for his wrongdoings.
It turns out that I am not the first or only person to be Jim doesn’t ignore Eric’s wrongdoings, but points them out
confused about positive parenting. Most folks think it’s about and talks them through with the boy at an appropriate time.
parenting without spanking. But positive parenting goes so Jim ensures that Eric experiences consequences for his
much deeper than that. behavior.
Positive Parenting Defined Jim refocuses both of them, father and son, on their
Positive parenting is focused on developing a strong, deeply relationship, after consequences are served.
committed relationship between parent and child based on
communication and mutual respect. Positive Parenting Positive Parenting Defined
focuses on teaching children not just what but also why.
Positive parenting means training children toward self- Positive Parenting Defined: End Goal
control. So, how does one apply this example to using positive
There are three major components to positive parenting: parenting in everyday life? We begin by changing the focus.
Rules and consequences are laid out, discussed often, and We keep in mind the goal: to help children develop the tools
followed through. they need to become healthy, thoughtful, and authentic
Parents focus on helping children internalize discipline, adults.
rather than obey orders based on fear of punishment, in Positive parenting begins with parents as adults: parents
order to develop self-discipline. who serve as living examples to their children. Positive
Parents use active listening to understand children’s parenting means sharing your thoughts and beliefs with your
thoughts. This allows parents to correct misunderstandings children. Once you decide to practice positive parenting,
or mistaken links of logic. there are four things you can do to foster your efforts:
Active Example Of Positive Parenting Be consistent
Let’s look at an active example of positive parenting: Create a nurturing environment
Jim’s 10-year old-son Eric comes to him with a problem. Learn about child development
Robby the next-door neighbor (who is 12 and bigger and Remember your end goal as a parent is to raise a fully-
stronger than Eric) took Eric’s ice-cream cone along with functioning adult
Eric’s change from a five-dollar bill at the ice cream truck. Positive Parenting Defined: Use Tools to Maintain
Jim listens to Eric and hears his son’s frustration, anger, and Consistency
feelings of helplessness. Jim repeats back what he hears Dr. Phil says, “Children should be able to predict with
and asks Eric how he wants to handle the situation. absolute certainty, what will happen as a result of their
Eric tells Jim he wants to confront Robby, but that he wants behavior, 100% of the time.”
Jim nearby. Jim tells Eric he thinks this is a good idea and to Creating this sense of certainty may be the greatest
let him know when he is ready. challenge of parenthood. It is, however, the most important
Jim does not mention, however, that Eric took money from part of helping children to learn and create self-imposed
his piggy bank without permission, which goes against a boundaries; the precursor of developing self-control.
family rule. Nor does Jim mention Eric getting ice cream Children are constantly learning and testing what they learn.
when he’d been restricted from sweets because he took If a parent sets a boundary, children are genetically
cookies at Grandma’s house without permission. predisposed to check it out. They do not yet have the ability
Two hours later, Jim stands by Eric as he confronts Robby to say, “This is the line I should not cross.”
and asks for his five dollars back. Robby’s Dad overhears Instead, children cross the line to see what will happen.
the conversation and makes Robby give Eric ten dollars for They push the boundary until they find the fixed line. Once
pain and suffering. He also discusses bullying with Robby they find it they no longer need to test that boundary. The
and Eric. issue arises again only when the line moves and children
Jim goes back into the house with Eric and tells him how must start the process all over again.
proud he is at how Eric has handled the situation. Jim then Positive Parenting Defined: Set Boundaries
sits down with Eric to discuss the two rules he broke and Parents need tools to help them set boundaries and keep
how he could avoid making bad decisions the next time. He them in place so children can learn where they are and
also adds a week of no sweets and confiscates Eric’s ten move on. There are several tools that can be used for this
dollars and piggy bank for a month for breaking the rule. Two purpose. The one I recommend is the Family Covenant.
weeks later, when sweets are reinstated, Jim takes Eric to The Family Covenant is a set of rules and consequences the
his favorite ice-cream place and they have a long talk to plan family develops together. The rules and consequences are
out an upcoming a fishing trip. written and posted as the Family Covenant. Once the
Here’s a step-by-step review of our active example of covenant is established it must be reviewed and learned.
positive parenting: I find the best way to do this is by reviewing the covenant
Jim listens to Eric, concentrating on the issue at hand. daily for one month, weekly for another month, twice the
Jim offers Eric his support while the boy handles his issue. third month, and finally, once a month on an ongoing basis.
The rules should be broadly stated and positively worded. It Positive Parenting Defined: Create a Nurturing
is much better to be told what you can do rather than what Environment
you cannot. (Example: Be Kind, Be Safe, Be Neat.) Creating a nurturing environment begins with meeting a
Child Development Knowledge—Six Domains child’s basic needs for food, clothing, and shelter. Nurturing,
When I worked toward my master’s in Early Education, the however, goes beyond physical needs and extends to
bulk of my learning was in understanding child development. offering acceptance, love, encouragement, and true
Since my emphasis was parenting education I concluded discipline.
rather early that understanding child development can be a Acceptance—children need to feel valued for who they are.
key tool for parents. Child development looks at six It is the concept of: No matter what I do, whether right or
domains (areas) of development per child. Here’s a wrong, I am loved.
quick look at each area: Love—love is giving of yourself to someone you care about.
Intellectual Development—the growth of thought and Parental love is acted out by giving time, care, and undivided
thought processes attention to a child in every facet of his life. Parents show
Social/Emotional Development—understanding ourselves love by helping children positively overcome every social
and others, experiencing emotions, having interpersonal conflict.
relationships, and developing self-esteem Encouragement—is being supportive in concrete ways that
Language Development—developing communication skills help children avoid or correct mistakes. Encouragement
(speech, reading, writing, and body language) includes helping children figure out what they’re good at and
Moral Development—developing empathy and the ability to encouraging them to pursue passions.
decipher right from wrong. True Discipline—is using parenting tools to teach children
Physical Development—the growth and development of self-control. Self-control is the ability to control one’s actions
the body including fitness, nutrition, and dental health no matter what.
Sexual Development—awareness of the differences Positive Parenting Defined: Effective Discipline
between male and female bodies, emotions, and attitudes; Discipline is a teaching process and teaching only happens
the desire to cuddle and be close to others; later hormonal when adults are calm and thinking clearly. Never try to apply
changes that allow for conception and childbirth; and finally, discipline if you are not fully in control of your mind, body,
physical desire and emotions. Here are four steps to effective discipline:
Each area develops along a particular path from birth to Ensure children know the rules and the possible
adulthood depending on the child’s personality, consequences of breaking them.
temperament, and experiences. Each area has a beginners, Help children figure out how to make decisions that help
intermediate, and advanced level. Once parents have a solid them maintain rules while doing some of the things they
understanding of each level they are better able to help their enjoy.
children grow. Apply consequences as needed. Always review rules and
Erickson’s Psychosocial Development reinforce expectations before applying
In addition to the six domains, parents can benefit from Re-establish the relationship by doing a relationship-building
knowing about Erickson’s five areas of psychosocial activity. Take a walk together. Go for ice cream. Read a
development from birth through adolescence. book.
Trust vs. Mistrust (birth-18 months): children learn to trust Positive Parenting Defined: Raising Adults
the world. Parents in delivery rooms holding newborns for the first time,
Autonomy vs. Shame and Doubt (18 month-3 years): don’t realize the bulk of the relationship they will have with
children show they are separate people and begin to do these beautiful new people will be as adults to adults. Yet
things for themselves. this is a fact. Moreover, the relationships parents have with
Initiative vs. Guilt (3-6 years): children begin to find life’s adult children is completely based on the relationships they
boundaries build as their children are growing up.
Industry vs. Inferiority (age 6-12): children want to feel The Harry Chapin song, Cat’s in the Cradle, perfectly
successful in everything they do. Especially in school, illustrates this concept. The song lyrics speak of a father too
children want to feel they are learning and growing and that busy to spend time with his son as the boy grows up. In his
adults are pleased with their accomplishments. adulthood, the son is too busy to spend time with his now
Identity vs Role Confusion Adolescence: children learn to retired and elderly father. The son has learned from the
pull away from Mom and Dad and begin to craft their own father to be too busy to spend time with loved ones. As
brand of adulthood. parents are raising their children, they need to remember
Each stage of psychosocial development can have either a they are building relationships with lifelong repercussions.
positive or a negative outcome. Parents can benefit children Positive parenting defined is about finding and using tools to
by providing them the tools they need to develop positive help adults shepherd children through the six areas of
outcomes. Understanding both the domains of development development. At the same time, positive parenting is giving
and the psychosocial stages of development gives parents children tools to overcome obstacles in positive ways
the tools they need to help children thrive. throughout the stages of their psychosocial progress. Finally,
positive parenting is about creating a loving, positive, and meaningful role in a child’s life. In other words, the term
supportive environment that allows children to grow and “parent” applies to an array of individuals whose presence
develop into adults who can turn around and pass these impacts the health and well-being of children (Juffer,
same tools on to the next generation. Bakermans-Kranenburg & van Ijzendoorn, 2008).
https://www.kars4kids.org/blog/parenting/positive-parenting- Thus, any time the terms “parent” or “caregiver” are used
defined/?fbclid=IwAR2IcZuKmMFUseCnF8HKOtDsoDokK2d herein; they apply to any individuals who share a consistent
78sd5_uwB6fP9_OAgoL2tKazWXSM relationship with a child, as well as an interest in his/her well-
being (Seay, Freysteinson & McFarlane, 2014).
Fortunately, parenting research has moved away from a
What is Positive Parenting? A Look at the Research and deficit or risk factor model towards a more positive focus on
Benefits predictors of positive outcomes (e.g., protective factors).
Heather S. Lonczak, Ph.D. 14 04-07-2019 Positive parenting exemplifies this approach by seeking to
Most adults will become parents at some point in their lives promote the parenting behaviors that are most essential for
(i.e., around 89.6% of the adult population worldwide; fostering positive youth development (Rodrigo, Almeida,
Ranjan, 2015). Spiel, & Koops, 2012).
And while most of us strive to be great parents, we may also Several researchers have proposed definitions of positive
find ourselves confused and frustrated by the seemingly parenting, such as Seay and colleagues (2014), who
endless challenges of parenthood. As both parents of reviewed 120 pertinent articles. They came up with the
toddlers and teenagers can attest, such challenges are following universal definition:
evident across all developmental stages. Positive parenting is the continual relationship of a parent(s)
But there is good news— numerous research-supported and a child or children that includes caring, teaching,
tools and strategies are now available for parents. These leading, communicating, and providing for the needs of a
resources provide a wealth of information for common child consistently and unconditionally.
parenting challenges (i.e., bedtime issues, picky eating, (Seay et al., 2014, p. 207).
tantrums, behavior problems, risk-taking, etc.); as well as the The Committee of Ministers of the Council of Europe (2006)
various learning lessons that are simply part of growing up similarly defined positive parenting as “… nurturing,
(i.e., starting school, being respectful, making friends, being empowering, nonviolent…” and which “provides recognition
responsible, making good choices, etc.). and guidance which involves setting of boundaries to enable
With its focus on happiness, resilience and positive youth the full development of the child’’ (in Rodrigo et al., 2012, p.
development; the field of positive psychology is particularly 4). These definitions, combined with the positive parenting
pertinent to discussions of effective parenting. Thus, whether literature, suggest the following about positive parenting:
you are a parent who’s trying to dodge potential problems; or
you are already pulling your hair out— you’ve come to the It involves Guiding
right place. It involves Leading
This article provides a highly comprehensive compilation of It involves Teaching
evidence-based positive parenting techniques. These ideas It is Caring
and strategies will cover a range of developmental periods, It is Empowering
challenges, and situations. More specifically, drawing from a It is Nurturing
rich and robust collection of research, we will address It is Sensitive to the Child’s Needs
exactly what positive parenting means; its many benefits; It is Consistent
when and how to use it; and its usefulness for specific issues It is Always Non-violent
and age-groups. It provides Regular Open Communication
This article also contains many useful examples, positive It provides Affection
parenting tips, activities, programs, videos, books, podcasts It provides Emotional Security
– and so much more. By learning from and applying these It provides Emotional Warmth
positive parenting resources; parents will become the kind of It provides Unconditional Love
parents they’ve always wanted to be: Confident, Optimistic, It recognizes the Positive
and even Joyful. It respects the Child’s Developmental Stage
What is Positive Parenting? It rewards Accomplishments
Before providing a definition of positive parenting, let’s take a It sets Boundaries
step back and consider what we mean by “parents.” While a It shows Empathy for the Child’s Feelings
great deal of parenting research has focused on the role of It supports the Child’s Best Interests
mothers; children’s psychosocial well-being is influenced by
all individuals involved in their upbringing.
Such caregivers might include biological and adoptive Along with these qualities, Godfrey (2019) proposes that the
parents, foster parents, single parents, step-parents, older underlying assumption of positive parenting is that “… all
siblings, and other relatives and non-relatives who play a
children are born good, are altruistic and desire to do the improvement in children’s positive behaviors and well-being
right thing …” (positiveparenting.com). (Bath Spa University, 2016).
Godfrey further adds that the objective of positive parenting Overall, research has indicated that positive parenting is
is to teach discipline in a way that builds a child’s self- related to various aspects of healthy child development
esteem and supports a mutually respectful parent-child (many more examples of evidence supporting the benefits
relationship without breaking the child’s spirit (2019). These are positive parenting are described further in this article).
authors reveal an overall picture of positive parenting as Such outcomes are neither fleeting nor temporary; and will
warm, thoughtful and loving— but not permissive. continue well beyond childhood.
A Look at the Research
There is plenty of research supporting the short- and long- Another way of thinking about the role of positive parenting
term effects of positive parenting on adaptive child is in terms of resilience. When children—including those who
outcomes. To begin with, work by the Positive Parenting begin life with significant disadvantages— experience
Research Team (PPRT) from the University of Southern positive and supportive parenting, they are far more likely to
Mississippi (Nicholson, 2019) is involved in various studies thrive.
aimed at examining the impact of positive parenting. It is in this way that positive parenting minimizes health and
The following are included among the team’s research opportunity disparities by armoring children with large stores
topics: of emotional resilience (Brooks, 2005; Brooks & Goldstein,
Relationships between positive parenting and academic 2001). And since we know positive parenting works; what
success; parent wouldn’t want to learn how to use it and thereby give
Positive parenting as a predictor of protective his/her child the best shot at a healthy and happy life?
behavioral strategies; How Can it Encourage Personal Development and Self
Parenting style and emotional health; maternal Growth in a Child?
hardiness, coping and social support in parents of There are various mechanisms through which positive
chronically ill children, etc. parenting promotes a child’s prosocial development.
The PPRT ultimately seeks to promote positive parenting For example, Eisenberg, Zhou, and Spinrad et al. (2005)
behaviors within families. suggest that positive parenting impacts children’s
In their seven-year longitudinal study; Pettit, Bates and temperament by enhancing emotion regulation (e.g.,
Dodge (1997) examined the influence of supportive “effortful control” enabling children to focus attention in a way
parenting among parents of pre-kindergartners. Supportive that promotes emotion modulation and expression).
parenting was defined as involving mother‐to‐child warmth, The authors reported a significant link between parental
proactive teaching, inductive discipline, and positive warmth and positive expressivity on children’s long-term
involvement. Researchers contrasted this parenting emotion regulation. This ability to use effortful control was
approach with a less supportive, more harsh parenting style. found to predict reduced externalizing problems years later
Supportive parenting was associated with more positive when children were adolescents (Eisenbert et al., 2005).
school adjustment and fewer behavior problems when the Along with emotion regulation, there are many other ways in
children were in sixth grade. Moreover, supportive parenting which positive parenting encourages a child’s positive
actually mitigated the negative impact of familial risk factors development and self-growth.
(i.e., socioeconomic disadvantage, family stress, and single Here are some examples:
parenthood) on children’s subsequent behavioral problems
 Teaching and leading promote children’s confidence
(Pettit et al., 2006).
and provides them with the tools needed to make
Researchers at the Gottman Institute also investigated the
good choices.
impact of positive parenting by developing a 5-step ‘emotion
 Positive communication promotes children’s social
coaching’ program designed to build children’s confidence
and problem-solving skills while enhancing
and to promote healthy intellectual and psychosocial growth.
relationship quality with caregivers and peers.
Gottman’s five steps for parents include:
 Warm and democratic parenting enhances children’s
awareness of emotions;
self-esteem and confidence.
connecting with your child;
 Parental supervision promotes prosocial peer
listening to your child;
bonding and positive youth outcomes.
naming emotions; and
 Autonomy-promoting parenting supports creativity,
finding solutions (Gottman, 2019).
empowerment, and self-determination.
Gottman has reported that children of “emotional coaches”
benefit from a more a positive developmental trajectory  Supportive and optimistic parenting fosters
relative to kids without emotional coaches. Moreover, an children’s belief in themselves and the future.
evaluation of emotional coaching by Bath Spa University  Providing recognition for desirable behaviors
found several positive outcomes for families trained in increases children’s self-efficacy and the likelihood
emotional coachings, such as parental reports of a 79% of engaging in prosocial, healthy behaviors.
 Providing boundaries and consequences teaches
children accountability and responsibility.
Generally speaking, there are many aspects of positive Salmela-
parenting that nurture children’s self-esteem; creativity; belief Aro, 2017
in the future; ability to get along with others; and sense of
mastery over their environment. Hasan &
Increased optimism
Warm, loving and supportive parents feed a child’s inner Power,
among children
spirit while empowering him/her with the knowledge and 2002
tools necessary to approach life as a fully capable individual.
How Old Must the Child Be? Sensitive/Respons
Liable-
The need for positive parenting begins – well, at the ive Parenting that Increased self-esteem
Gustavo &
beginning. The attachment literature has consistently Promotes a among older
Roesch,
indicated that babies under one year of age benefit from Secure Parent- adolescents
2004
positive parenting. More specifically, a secure attachment Child Attachment
between infants and mothers is related to numerous positive
Increased social self-
developmental outcomes (i.e., self-esteem, trust, social Coleman,
efficacy among
competence, etc.; Juffer, Bakermans-Kranenburg & van 2003
adolescents
Ijzendoorn, 2008).
The quality of the mother-child attachment is believed to be
Juffer,
a function of parental sensitivity (e.g., mothers who Multiple positive
Bakerman
accurately perceive and quickly respond to their babies’ outcomes among
s-
needs; Juffer et al., 2008)— which is certainly a key indicator children, such as secure
Kranenbur
of positive parenting practices in their earliest form. parental attachments,
g & van
Not only is a secure mother-child attachment related to early and better cognitive and
Ijzendoorn
positive developmental outcomes, but more recent social development
, 2008
attachment research also indicates long-term increases in
social self-efficacy among girls with secure attachments to Improved attachment
their fathers (Coleman, 2003). Interventions that Forgatch
security among toddlers
There are even ways in which positive parenting benefits a Enhance Positive &
Improved school
child or family as soon as the parents learn of a pregnancy Parenting DeGarmo,
adjustment among
or adoption (i.e., see the subsequent ‘sibling rivalry’ section). Practices 1999
children
Therefore, it cannot be stressed enough: Positive parenting
begins as early as possible. Smith,
Increased cognitive and
What are the Benefits? Landry, &
social outcomes among
There is empirical evidence for numerous benefits of positive Swank,
preschoolers
parenting, which cover all developmental stages from 2000
infancy to late adolescence. The following table provides a
list of many such examples: Numerous reductions in
problem behaviors and
Positive increases in
Parenting Style, Sandler,
Benefit Citation competences among
Behavior, or Wolchik,
children and
Intervention Tein, &
adolescents— such as
Winslow,
self-esteem, coping
Better school 2015
efficacy, educational
adjustment among goals, and job
children aspirations
Jousseme
Increased motivation
Autonomy- t, Landry
among infants Reduced behavior Sanders,
supportive &
Higher internalization problems among Calam,
Parenting Koestner,
among toddlers children Durand,
2008
Better psychosocial Lower dysfunctional Liversidge
functioning among parenting styles ,&
adolescents Higher sense of Carmont,
parenting competence 2008
Reduced depressive Duineveld,
symptoms among Parker, Long-term reductions in de Graaf,
adolescents Ryan, behavior problems Speetjens,
Increased self-esteem Ciarrochi, among children Smit,
among adolescents &
 Wolff, & 2002
Tavecchio
, 2008 Parental
Attachment, Engels,
Decreased family Positive Family Increased social skills Deković,
conflict and stress; Climate & Other among adolescents & Meeus,
decreased behavioral Positive Parenting 2002
problems and conduct Factors
disorders among
Kumpfer & Warm,
children; improved Steinberg,
Alvarado, Democratic, and Increased school
family cohesion, Elmen, &
1998 Firm Parenting achievement among
communication, and Mounts,
organization; Style (e.g., adolescents
1989
improved resilience am Authoritative)
ong children and
General positive youth
parents
development (i.e., less Sandler,
Reduced problem risky behaviors, Ingram, &
Knox, improved school Wolchik,
behaviors and
Burkhard, success, better job et al.,
increased positive
& Cromly, prospects, etc.) among 2015
development among
2013 adolescents
children

Increased emotion Family

Responsive See Supervision and
regulation associated
Parenting (i.e., studies Monitoring;
with various positive
involves tolerating cited in Effective
outcomes among
and working Bornstein Communication of Improved ability to resist
children and Lochman,
through emotions) 2002 Expectations and negative peer influences
adolescents 2000
Family among adolescents
Involved Parenting Values/Norms;
See
(i.e., uses rules and Regular
Increased compliance studies
and guidelines, Positive Family
and self-regulation cited in
and involves kids Time
among children Bornstein
in decision-
2002
making)
12 Examples of Positive Parenting in Action
Numerous positive The evidence clearly supports a relationship between
outcomes among positive parenting approaches and a large variety of
children and prosocial parent and child outcomes. Therefore, practitioners
adolescents; such as have developed and implemented a range of programs
increased compliance, aimed at promoting positive parenting practices.
greater cognitive See
Developmental Here are some noteworthy examples; including those which
abilities, more school studies
Parenting as target specific risk factors, as well as those with a more
readiness, less cited in
Characterized by preventative focus:
negativity, more Roggman,
Parental Affection,
willingness to try new Boyce, &
Teaching & Parent’s Circle program (Pearson & Anderson, 2001):
things, better cognitive Innocenti,
Encouragement Recognizing that positive parenting begins EARLY, this
and social development, 2008
better language program helped parents of infants in the neonatal intensive
development, better care unit to enhance their parenting skills in order to better
conversational skills, parent their fragile newborns.
and less antisocial The Home Visiting Program (Ammaniti, Speranza, &
behavior Tambelli, et al., 2006): Also focused on babies, this program
aimed to increase parental sensitivity in order to improve
Increased resilience Newman secure mother-infant attachments. In doing so, psychologists
Supportive
among children and & visited high-risk mothers at their homes in order to improve
Families
adolescents Blackburn, parental sensitivity to their infants’ signals.
The Early Head Start Home-based Program (Roggman, child and family protective factors; to promote children’s
Boyce, & Cook, 2009): This home-based program also resilience, and to improve children’s social and life skills.
focused on promoting parent-child attachment. Parents in Incredible Years Program (Webster-Stratton& Reid, 2013):
semirural areas received weekly home-based visits from a This program refers to a widely implemented and evaluated
family educator who taught them positive strategies aimed at group-based intervention designed to reduce emotional
promoting healthy parent-child interactions and engagement problems and aggression among children, and to improve
in children’s activities. their social and emotional competence. Parent groups
American Psychological Association’s ACT Raising Safe received 12-20 weekly group sessions focused on nurturing
Kids (RSK) program (Knox, Burkhard, & Cromly, 2013): The relationships, using positive discipline, promoting school
goal of this program was to improve parents’ positive readiness and academic skills, reducing conduct problems,
parenting knowledge and skills by teaching nonviolent and increasing other aspects of children’s healthy
discipline, anger management, social problem‐solving skills, psychosocial development. This program has also been
and other techniques intended to protect children from used for children with ADHD.
aggression and violence. Evidence-based Positive Parenting Programs Implemented
New Beginnings Program (Wolchik, Sandler, Weiss, & in Spain (Ministers of the Council of Europe, in Rodrigo et
Winslow, 2007): This empirically-based 10-session program al., 2012): In a special issue of Psychosocial Intervention,
was designed to teach positive parenting skills to families multiple evaluation studies of positive parenting programs
experiencing divorce or separation. Parents learned how to delivered across Spain are presented. Among the programs
nurture positive and warm relationships with kids, use included are those delivered in groups, at home, and online;
effective discipline, and protect their children from divorce- each of which is aimed at positive parenting support
related conflict. The underlying goal of the New Beginnings services. This issue provides an informative resource for
Program was to promote child resilience during this difficult understanding which parents most benefited from various
time. types of evidence-based programs aimed at promoting
Family Bereavement Program (Sandler, Wolchik, Ayers, positive parenting among parents attending family support
Tein, & Luecken, 2013): This intervention was aimed at services.
promoting resilience in parents and children experiencing Triple P Positive Parenting Program (Sanders, 2008): This
extreme adversity: The death of a parent. This 10-meeting program, which will be described in more detail in a
supportive group environment helped bereaved parents subsequent post, is a highly comprehensive parenting
learn a number of resilience-promoting parenting skills (i.e., program with the objective of providing parents of high-risk
active listening, using effective rules, supporting children’s children with the knowledge, confidence, and skills needed
coping, strengthening family bonds, and using adequate self- to promote healthy psychological health and adjustment in
care). their children. While these programs are multifaceted, an
The Positive Parent (Suárez, Rodríguez, & López, 2016): overarching focus of the Triple P programs is to improve
This Spanish online program was aimed at enhancing children’s self-regulation.
positive parenting by helping parents to learn about child Positive Parenting Styles
development and alternative child-rearing techniques; to A reoccurring theme in the positive parenting literature is that
become more aware, creative and independent in terms of a warm, yet firm parenting style is linked to numerous
parenting practices; to establish supportive connections with positive youth outcomes. This style is termed ‘authoritative’
other parents; and to feel more competent and satisfied with and it is conceptualized as a parenting approach that
their parenting. includes a good balance of the following parenting qualities:
Healthy Families Alaska Programs (Calderaa, Burrellb, & assertive, but not intrusive; demanding, but responsive;
Rodriguez, 2007): The objective of this home visiting supportive in terms of discipline, but not punitive (Baumrind,
program was to promote positive parenting and healthy child 1991).
development outcomes in Alaska. Paraprofessionals worked Along with an authoritative parenting style, a developmental
with parents to improve positive parenting attitudes, parent- parenting style is also believed to support positive child
child interactions, child development knowledge, and home outcomes (Roggman et al., 2008).
environment quality. Developmental parenting is a positive parenting style that
The Strengthening Families Program (Kumpfer & Alvarado, promotes positive child development by providing affection
1998): This primary prevention program has been widely (i.e., through positive expressions of warmth toward the
used to teach parents a large array of positive parenting child); responsiveness (i.e., by attending to a child’s cues);
practices. Following family systems and cognitive-behavioral encouragement (i.e., by supporting a child’s capabilities and
philosophies, the program has taught parenting skills such interests); and teaching (i.e., by using play and conversation
as engagement in positive interactions with children, positive to support a child’s cognitive development (Roggman &
communication, effective discipline, rewarding positive Innocenti, 2009).
behaviors, and the use of family meetings to promote Developmental parenting clearly shares several
organization. The program’s overall goal was to enhance commonalities with authoritative parenting, and both
represent positive parenting approaches.
Overall, by taking a good look at positive parenting Works Long-term (note: punishment may have an immediate
strategies that work for raising healthy, happy kids; it is impact, but this is short-lived)
evident that positive parenting styles encourage a child’s Teaches Valuable Social and Life Skills (i.e., problem-
autonomy by: solving, social skills, self-soothing, etc.)
Supporting exploration and involvement in decision-making Helps Children Develop a Sense that they are Capable
Paying attention and responding to a child’s needs Individuals
Using effective communication In her comprehensive and helpful book for parents: Positive
Attending to a child’s emotional expression and control Discipline, Durrant (2016) also describes a number of key
Rewarding and encouraging positive behaviors aspects of positive discipline, such as being non-violent,
Providing clear rules and expectations respectful, and grounded in developmental principles;
Applying consistent consequences for behaviors teaching children self-respect, empathy, and self-efficacy;
Providing adequate supervision and monitoring and promoting a positive relationship between parent and
Acting as a positive role model child.
Making positive family experiences a priority Stated another way, “respecting children teaches them that
In a nutshell, positive parents support a child’s healthy even the smallest, most powerless, most vulnerable person
growth and inner spirit by being loving, supportive, firm, deserves respect, and that is a lesson our world desperately
consistent, and involved. Such parents go beyond needs to learn” (LR Knost, lovelivegrow.com).
communicating their expectations, but practice what they Since we know that positive discipline does not involve the
preach by being positive role models for their children to use of punishment; the next obvious questions become “Just
emulate. what exactly does it involve?”
A Look at Positive Discipline This question is undoubtedly urgent for parents who feel like
The term ‘discipline’ often has a negative, purely punitive their child is working diligently toward driving them mad.
connotation. However, ‘discipline’ is actually defined as While we will discuss some of the more typical frustrations
“training that corrects, molds, or perfects the mental faculties that parents regularly encounter later in the article, Kersey
or moral character” (Merriam-Webster, 2019). (2006) provides parents with a wonderful and
This definition is instructive, as it reminds us that as parents, comprehensive resource in her publication entitled “101
we are not disciplinarians, but rather teachers. And as our positive principles of discipline.”
children’s teachers, our goal is to respectfully show them Here are her top ten principles:
choices for behaviors and to positively reinforce adaptive Demonstrate Respect Principle: Treat the child in the same
behaviors. respectful way you would like to be treated.
Positive discipline again harkens back to authoritative Make a Big Deal Principle: Use positive reinforcement in
parenting because it should be administered in a way that is meaningful ways for desired behaviors. Reward such
firm and loving at the same time. Importantly, positive behaviors with praise, affection, appreciation, privileges, etc.
discipline is never violent, aggressive or critical; it is not Incompatible Alternative Principle: Provide the child with a
punitive. behavior to substitute for the undesirable one, such as
Relevant: 12 Examples of Positive Punishment & playing a game rather than watching tv.
Negative Reinforcement Choice Principle: Provide the child with two choices for
Physical punishment (i.e., spanking) is ineffective for positive behaviors so that he/she feels a sense of
changing behaviors in the long-term and has a number of empowerment. For example, you might say “would you
detrimental consequences on children (Gershoff, 2013). rather take your bath before or after your brush your teeth?”
Indeed, the objective of positive discipline is to “teach and When/Then – Abuse it/Lose it Principle: Ensure that rewards
train. Punishment (inflicting pain/purposeful injury) is are lost when rules are broken. For example, you might say
unnecessary and counter-productive” (Kersey, 2006, p. 1). “After you clean your room, you can play outside” (which
Nelsen (2006) describes a sense of belonging as a primary means that a child who does not clean his/her room, will not
goal of all people; a goal that is not achieved through get to play outside. Period.)
punishment. In fact, she describes the four negative Connect Before You Correct Principle: Ensure that the child
consequences of punishment on children (e.g., “the four feels loved and cared for before behavioral problems are
R’s”) as resentment toward parents; revenge that may be attended to.
plotted in order to get back at parents; rebellion against Validation Principle: Validate the child’s feelings. For
parents, such as through even more excessive behaviors; example, you might say “I know you are sad about losing
and retreat, that may involve becoming sneaky and/or your sleepover tonight and I understand”.
experiencing a loss of self-esteem (Nelsen, 2006). Good Head on Your Shoulders Principle: Ensure that the
She provides the following five criteria for positive discipline child hears the equivalent of “you have a good head on your
(which are available on her positive discipline website): shoulders” in order to feel capable, empowered and
Is both Kind and Firm responsible for his/her choices. This is especially important
Promotes a Child’s Sense of Belonging and Significance for teenagers.
Belonging and Significance Principle: Ensure that your child else he can think of in his desperation. But she is out of
feels important and as if he/she belongs. For example, control and beyond reason. The father wants an immediate
remind your child that he/she is really good at helping in the end to the humiliation; but he may not realize that some
kitchen and that the family needs this help in order to have quick fixes intended to placate his child, will only make his
dinner. life worse in the long run.
Timer Says it’s Time Principle: Set a timer to help children So, what is he to do?
make transitions. This helps kids to know what’s expected of Before going into specific solutions for this situation, it is
them and may also involve giving them a choice in terms of essential that parents understand this developmental stage.
the amount of time. For example, you might say “Do you There are reasons for the child’s aggravating behaviors;
need 15 or 20 minutes to get dressed?” Make sure to let the reasons that are biologically programmed to ensure survival.
child know that the time is set. For example, kids aged two-to-three are beginning to
The reader is encouraged to check-out Kersey’s 101 positive understand that there are a lot of things that seem scary in
discipline principles, as they contain an enormous amount of the world. As such, they may become anxious about a
useful and effective approaches for parents; along with variety of situations; like strangers, bad dreams, extreme
principles that reflect many everyday examples (e.g., weather, creepy images, doctor and dentist offices,
Babysitter Principle; Apology Principle; Have Fun Together monsters, certain animals, slivers or other minor medical
Principle; Talk About Them Positively to Others Principle; issues, etc.
Whisper Principle; Write a Contract Principle; and so much
more). While these childhood fears make life more difficult for
This section has provided many helpful positive discipline parents (i.e., when a child won’t stay in his/her room at night
ideas for a myriad of parenting situations and challenges. due to monsters and darkness, or when a child makes an
Positive discipline (which will be expounded on later sections enormous fuss when left with a babysitter), they are actually
of in the article: i.e., ‘positive parenting with toddlers and an indicator of maturity (Durant, 2016).
preschoolers,’ ‘temper tantrums,’ ‘techniques to use at The child is reacting in a way that supports positive
bedtime,’ etc.) is an effective discipline approach that development by fearing and avoiding perceived dangers.
promotes loving parent-child relationships, as well as While fear of monsters does not reflect a truly dangerous
producing productive, respectful, and happy children. situation, avoidance of individuals who appear mean or
aggressive is certainly in the child’s best interest.
Positive Parenting with Toddlers and Preschoolers Similarly, fear of strangers is an innate protective
mechanism that prompts children to stay close to those
The notion of parenting a toddler can frighten even the most adults who keep them healthy and safe. And some strangers
tough-minded among us. This probably isn’t helped by terms indeed should be feared. Although a challenge for parents,
such as ‘terrible two’s,’ and jokes like “Having a two-year-old young children who overestimate dangers with consistent
is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for false-positives are employing their survival instincts.
it” (Jerry Seinfeld, goodreads.com). In her book Positive Discipline (which is free online and
Sure, toddlers and preschoolers get a bad rap; but they do includes worksheets for parents), Durant (2016) notes the
sometimes seem like tiny drunken creatures who topple importance of respecting a child’s fears and not punishing
everything in their path. Not to mention their tremendous her/him for them, as well as talking to the child in a way that
noise and energy, mood swings, and growing need for shows empathy and helps him/her to verbalize feelings.
independence. Durant proposes that one of the keys of effective discipline is
While their lack of coordination and communication skills can “… to see short-term challenges as opportunities to work
be endearing and often hilarious; they are also quite capable toward your long-term goals” (2016, p. 21).
of leaving their parents in a frenzied state of frustration. For With this objective in mind, any steps a parent takes when
example, let’s consider the situation below. dealing with a frightened or misbehaving child should always
The Grocery Store Blow-out be taken with consideration of their potential long-term
In this relatable example, a dad and his cranky 3-year-old impact. Long-term goals, which Durant describes as “the
find themselves in a long line at a grocery store. The child heart of parenting” may be hard to think about when a child
decides she’s had enough shopping and proceeds to throw is challenging and a frustrated parent simply wants the
each item out of the cart while emitting a blood-curdling behavior to stop.
scream. However, punishing types of behaviors such as yelling, are
The father, who may really need to get the shopping done, is not likely to be in-line with long-term parenting goals. By
likely to shrivel and turn crimson as his fellow shoppers glare visualizing their preschooler as a high school student or
and whisper about his “obnoxious child” or “bad parenting.” even an adult, it can help parents to ensure that their
He, of course, tells her to stop; perhaps by asking her nicely, immediate responses are in-line with the kind, peaceful and
or trying to reason with her. responsible person they wish to see in 15 years or so.
When this doesn’t’ work, he might switch his method to Durant (2016) provides several examples of long-term
commanding, pleading, threatening, negotiating, or anything parenting goals, such as:
Maintaining a quality relationship with the parent have completed his shopping, but that will be a small price
Taking responsibility for actions for having a child who learns a good lesson on how to
Being respectful of others behave.
Knowing right from wrong Very importantly, however; if he does take her home, this
Making wise decisions absolutely cannot be done in a way that is rewarding (i.e.,
Being honest, loyal and trustworthy she gets to go home and play, watch tv, or anything else she
Related: Examples of Positive Reinforcement in the enjoys). She will need a time-out immediately upon arriving
Classroom home, as well as perhaps the message that dinner won’t be
Grocery Store Blow-out Solutions her favorite tonight since the shopping was not done.
Long-term parenting goals are highly relevant to the This is not meant to be punitive or sarcastic, more of a
maddening grocery store example. If the dad only thinks natural consequence for her to learn from (e.g., “If I act-out
about the short-term goal of making his daughter’s behavior at the store, we won’t have my favorite foods in the house”).
stop embarrassing him at the store, he might decide to tell In fact, even though he may not feel like it, the father needs
her she can have a candy bar if she is quiet and stops to speak to his daughter in a kind and loving way.
throwing items from the cart. Regardless of whether the consequence is in the store or at
This way, he might reason, he can finish his shopping home, the dad absolutely must follow-through consistently. If
quickly and without humiliation. Sure, this might work as far he doesn’t, he will teach her that sometimes she can
as getting the child to behave on that day— at that moment; misbehave and still get what she wants; this is a pattern of
BUT here are some likely consequences: reinforcement that is really difficult to break.
Next time they go shopping, she will do this again in order to Of course, the father cannot leave the store each time she
receive the candy reward. misbehaves, as he won’t get anything done and he’s also
Pretty much every time they go shopping, she will do the giving her too much control. Thus, he should prepare in
same thing; and the value of the reward is likely to escalate advance for future shopping trips by making her aware of the
as she gets tired of the candy. shopping rules, expectations for her behavior, and the
She will learn that this behavior can get her rewards in all consequences if she breaks them.
sorts of places beyond the grocery store, thus making her The father should be specific about such things, as “I expect
exhausted parents afraid to take her anywhere. you to be good at the store” is not clear. Saying something
Moreover, the message she receives from the candy tactic more like “The rules for shopping are that you need to talk in
will not reinforce the qualities the father likely wants to see in your quiet voice, listen to daddy, sit still in the cart, help
his daughter over time, such as: daddy give the items to the clerk, etc.” The dad is also
encouraged to only take her shopping when she is most
Being respectful of her parents likely to behave (i.e., when well-rested, well-fed, not upset
Being respectful of others around her about something else, etc.).
Being respectful of others’ property He might also give her something to do while shopping, such
Being responsible for her behavior as by bringing her favorite book or helping to put items in the
Being courteous and considerate cart. Giving his daughter choices will also help her feel a
Being helpful sense of control (i.e., “You can either help put the items in
Knowing right from wrong the cart or you can help give them to the clerk”).
Having good manners
Having good social skills And, finally, the little girl should be rewarded for her polite
shopping behavior with a great deal of praise (i.e., “You were
a very good girl at the store today. You really helped Daddy
Therefore, the father might instead deal with this situation by and I enjoyed spending time with you”).
calmly telling her that she needs to stop or she will get a He might also reward her with a special experience (i.e.,
time-out. The time-out can take place somewhere in the “You were so helpful at the store, that we saved enough time
store that is not reinforcing for her, such as a quiet corner to go the park later” or “You were such a great helper today;
with no people around (e.g., no audience). Or they can go sit can you also help daddy make dinner?”). Of course, the
in the car. reward should not consist of food, since that can lead to
If the store is especially crowded, the dad might also ask the various other problems.
clerk to place his cart in a safe place and/or save his place in There are many more positive parenting tips for this and
line until he returns (which he/she will likely be inclined to do other difficult parenting scenarios throughout this article, as
if it will get the child to be quiet). After a brief time-out, he well as numerous helpful learning resources. In the
should give his daughter a hug and let her know the rules for meantime, it is always wise to remember that your toddler or
the remainder of the shopping trip, as well as the preschooler does not act the way he/she does in order to
consequences of not following them. torture you— it’s not personal. There are always underlying
In some cases, it might be better for the parent to simply reasons for these behaviors. Just keep your cool, plan-
leave the store without the groceries and go home. He won’t ahead, think about your long-term goals, and remember that
your adorable little monster will only be this age for a brief Sees Her (Green, 2018), and Look-Look: The New Baby
time. (Mayer, 2001).
How to Best Address Sibling Rivalry There are also children’s books that help prepare children for
Siblings, whether biological; adopted; full or half stepsiblings; adopted siblings, with some that are even more focused on
often pick at each other endlessly. Arguments between the type of adoption. Here are a few examples: Seeds of
siblings are a normal part of life. However, sometimes the Love: For Brothers and Sisters of International Adoption
degree of animosity between siblings (e.g., sibling rivalry) (Ebejer Petertyl & Chambers, 1997), A Sister for Matthew: A
can get out of control and interfere with the quality of the Story About Adoption (Kennedy, 2006), and Emma’s Yucky
relationship. Not to mention creating misery for parents. Brother (Little, 2002).
Plus, there are negative long-term consequences of Along with the above tips, Amy McCready (2019) provides
problematic sibling relationships, such as deviant behavior some excellent suggestions for ending sibling rivalry, these
among older children and teens (Moser & Jacob, 2002). include:
Sibling rivalry is often complicated, as it is affected by a Avoid Labeling Children: by labeling children in ways such
range of family variables, such as family size, parent-child as “the social one,” “the great student,” “the athlete,” “the
interactions, parental relationships, children’s genders, birth baby” etc., parents intensify comparisons, as well as one
order, and personality—among others. And it starts really child’s belief that he/she does not possess the same positive
early. Sometimes, as soon as a child realizes a baby brother qualities as the other one (i.e., “if he’s the ‘brainy one,’ I must
or sister is on the way, emotions begin to run high. be the ‘dumb one,’”).
Fortunately, parents have a great opportunity to prepare Arrange for Attention: Make sure each child has plenty of
their children from the start. regular intentional attention so that they will be less inclined
For example, the parent can foster a healthy sibling to fight for it.
relationship by engaging in open communication about Prepare for Peace: McCready describes several ways to
becoming a big brother or sister early on. This should be teach conflict resolution skills that help to avoid further
done in a way that is exciting and supports the child’s new issues between siblings.
role as the older sibling. Parents can support bonding by Stay out of Squabbles: Unless absolutely necessary (i.e.,
allowing the child to feel the baby kick or view ultrasound during a physical fight), it is best to stay out of squabbles. In
pictures. They can solicit their child’s help in decorating the doing so, the parent is not reinforcing the disagreement,
baby’s room. while also enabling the children to work out solutions
For some families, their newborn baby may be premature or together.
have other medical problems that require time in the Calm the Conflict: If you must intervene, it is best to help the
neonatal intensive care unit (NICU). In this situation, which children problem-solve the situation without judgment or
can be quite stressful for siblings, parents should talk to the taking sides.
older child about what’s happening. Parents might also Put them All in the Same Boat: McCready suggests that all
provide the child with updates on the baby’s progress, children involved in the conflict receive the same
prepare the child for visits to the NICU, have the child draw a consequence, which teaches them that they each will benefit
picture to leave with the baby, make a scrapbook for the from getting along.
baby, and set aside plenty of time with the older child
(Beavis, 2007). These and other useful tips and resources are available on
If the new child is going to be adopted, it is also important to McCready’s Positive Parenting Solutions website. Luckily, by
encourage a connection. For example, along with explaining being thoughtful and preparing ahead of time, parents can
how the adoption will work, the child can be involved in the avoid excessive competition between children and promote
exciting aspects of the process once it is confirmed. In the meaningful lifelong sibling bonds.
case of an older child or international adoption, there are Positive Parenting with Teenagers
special things parents can do as well. Before discussing positive parenting with teenagers, it is
For example, if a child is in an orphanage, the sibling can important to remember one key fact: Teens still need and
help pick-out little gifts to send ahead of time (i.e., a stuffed want their parents’ support, affection, and guidance— even if
animal, soft blanket or clothing). Having the child draw a it doesn’t seem like it. Just as with younger kids, parental
picture and/or write a letter to the new sibling is another way figures are essential for helping adolescents overcome
to enhance the relationship. Adopting an older child will difficult struggles (Wolin, Desetta & Hefner, 2016).
require particular preparation; as the new sibling will arrive Indeed, by fostering a sense of mastery and internal locus of
with his/her own fears, traits, memories, and experiences control, adults help to empower a teen’s sense of personal
that will certainly come into play. responsibility and control over the future (Blaustein &
There are a number of children’s books designed to help Kinniburgh, 2018). In fact, the presence of nurturing adults
parents prepare their children for a new sibling, such as You who truly listen has been reported among emotionally
Were the First (MacLachlan, 2013), My Sister Is a Monster: resilient teens (Wolin et al., 2016).
Funny Story on Big Brother and New Baby Sister How He Positive parenting practices such as quality communication,
parental monitoring, and authoritative parenting style also
have been found to predict fewer risky behaviors among being a positive role model in terms of your own coping
adolescents (DeVore & Ginsburg, 2005). mechanisms and use of alcohol and medication;
As parents of teens know, there are many challenges being aware of your child’s level of risk for substance use;
involved in parenting during this developmental period. providing your teen with substance use information;
Adolescents often find themselves confused about where supervising and monitoring your teen;
they fit in the area between adulthood and childhood. They setting boundaries;
may desire independence, yet lack the maturity and communicating openly about substance use; and
knowledge to execute it safely. They are often frustrated by building a supportive and warm relationship with your teen
their bodily changes, acne and mood swings. (Partnership for Drug-free Kids; PDK, 2014).
Teens may be overwhelmed by school, as well as pressures These suggestions are discussed in more detail on the
from parents and peers. Teens may feel bad about following PDF: Parenting Practices: Help Reduce the
themselves and even become anxious or depressed as they Chances Your Child will Develop a Drug or Alcohol Problem
try to navigate the various stressors they face. (PDK, 2014). By employing these and other positive
Many of these difficulties, which certainly need attention from parenting techniques, you are helping your teenager to
parents, may also make conversations difficult. Parents may become a respectful, well-adjusted and productive member
feel confused as to how much freedom versus of society.
protectiveness is appropriate. The Love and Logic approach Positive Parenting Through Divorce
(Cline & Faye, 2006) provides some terrific ways for parents Divorce has become so common that dealing with it in the
to raise responsible, well-adjusted teens. best possible way for kids is of vital importance to parents
The authors’ approach for parents involves two fundamental everywhere.
concepts: “Love [which] means giving your teens Parental divorce/separation represents a highly stressful
opportunities to be responsible and empowering them to experience for children that can have both immediate and
make their own decisions.” And “Logic [which] means long-term negative consequences.
allowing them to live with the natural consequences of their Children of divorce are at increased risk for mental health,
mistakes-and showing empathy for the pain, disappointment, emotional, behavioral, and relationship problems
and frustration they’ll experience” (Foster, Cline, & Faye, (Department of Justice, Government of Canada, 2015).
2019, hopelbc.com, p. 1). There is, however, variability in how divorce affects children;
with some adverse consequences being temporary, and
Just as with young children, the Love and Logic method is a others continuing well into adulthood. Since we know that
warm and loving way to prepare teens for the future while divorce does not impact all children equally, the key question
maintaining a quality relationship with parents. becomes: What are the qualities that are most effective for
Another positive parenting approach that is particularly helping children to cope with parental divorce?
applicable to adolescents is the Teen Triple P Program There are differences in children’s temperament and other
(Ralph & Sanders, 2004). Triple P (which will be described in aspects of personality, as well as family demographics, that
a subsequent post) is tailored toward teens and involves affect their ability to cope with divorce. But, for present
teaching parents a variety of skills aimed at increasing their purposes, let’s focus on the aspects of the divorce itself
own knowledge and confidence. since this is the area parents have the most power to
The program also promotes various prosocial qualities in change.
teens such as social competence, health, and Importantly, the detrimental impact of divorce on kids
resourcefulness; such that they will be able to avoid typically begins well before the actual divorce (Amato, 2000).
engaging in problem behaviors (e.g., substance use, risky Thus, it may not be the divorce per se that represents the
sex, delinquency, Bulimia, etc.). This approach enables child risk factor; but rather, the parents’ relationship conflicts
parents to replace harsh discipline styles for those that are and how they are handled. For divorced/divorcing parents,
more nurturing, without being permissive. It aims to minimize this information is encouraging—as there are things you can
parent-teen conflict while providing teens with the tools and do to help your children (and you) remain resilient despite
ability to make healthy choices (Ralph & Sanders, 2004). this difficult experience.
Parents of teens (or future teens) often shudder when Parental Conflict and Alienation
considering the dangers and temptations to which their There are several divorce-related qualities that make it more
children may be exposed. With a focus specifically on difficult for children to adapt to divorce, such as parental
substance use, the Partnership for Drug-free Kids website hostility and poor cooperation between parents (Amato,
offers a great deal of information for parents who are either 2000); and interpersonal conflict between parents along with
dealing with teen drug use or are doing their best to prevent continued litigation (Goodman, Bonds, & Sandler, et al.,
it. 2005).
For example, several suggestions for lowering the probability Parents dealing with divorce need to make a special effort
that a teen will use substances include: not to expose their children to conflicts between parents,
knowing your teen’s friends; legal and money related issues, and general animosity. The
latter point merits further discussion, as parents often have a
difficult time not badmouthing each other in front of (or even Parents are never alone. Whatever the problem or degree of
directly to) their kids. It is this act of turning a child against a frustration, there is a whole community of parents who have
parent that ultimately serves to turn a child against himself faced the same issues. Not to mention a ton of positive
(Baker & Ben-Ami, 2011). parenting experts with effective solutions.
Badmouthing the other divorced parent is an alienation Positive parenting begins early. Positive parenting truly
strategy, given its aim to alienate the other parent from the starts the moment a person realizes he/she is going to
child. Such alienation involves any number of criticisms of become a parent since even the planning that goes into
the other parent in front of the child. This may even include preparing for a child’s arrival will have an impact.
qualities that aren’t necessarily negative, but which can be Positive parenting applies to all developmental periods. With
depicted as such for the sake of enhancing alienation (Baker a positive parenting approach, raising toddlers and
& Ben-Ami, 2011). teenagers need not be terrible nor terrifying. Positive
parenting promotes effective, joyful parenting of kids of all
Baker and Ben-Ami (2011) note that parental alienation ages.
tactics hurt children by sending the message that the Positive parents raise their children in a way that empowers
badmouthed parent does not love the child. Also, the child them to reach their full potential as resilient and fulfilled
may feel that, because their badmouthed parent is flawed; individuals. Positive parents are warm, caring, loving and
that he/she is similarly damaged. When a child receives a nurturing— and so much more: They are teachers, leaders,
message of being unlovable or flawed, this negatively affects and positive role models. They are consistent and clear
his/her self-esteem, mood, relationships, and other areas of about expectations. They know what their kids and teens are
life (Baker & Ben-Ami, 2011). doing. They encourage and reinforce positive behaviors.
An excellent resource for preventing parental alienation is They make family experiences a priority. They support their
Divorce Poison: How to Protect Your Family from Bad- children’s autonomy and individuality. They love their
mouthing and Brainwashing (Warshak, 2010). children unconditionally. They engage in regular, open
Warshak describes how one parent’s criticism of the other dialogues with their children. They are affectionate,
may have a highly detrimental impact on the targeted empathetic, and supportive. They understand that their
parent’s relationship with his/her child. And such teenagers still need them.
badmouthing absolutely hurts the child. Badmouthed parents Positive discipline is an effective, evidence-based approach
who fail to deal with the situation appropriately are at risk of that is neither punitive nor permissive. Positive discipline is
losing the respect of their kids and even contact altogether. performed in a loving way without anger, threats, yelling, or
Warshak provides effective solutions for bad-mouthed punishment. It involves clear rules, expectations, and
parents to use during difficult situations, such as: consequences for behavior; and consistent follow-through. It
How to react when you find out about the badmouthing is in alignment with parents’ long-term parenting goals.
What to do if your kids refuse to see you Positive parenting is backed by empirical evidence
How to respond to false accusations supporting its many benefits. Positive parenting promotes
How to insulate kids from bad-mouthing effects children’s self-esteem, emotional expression, self-efficacy,
Reasons that parents attempt to manipulate children, as well sense of belonging, social and decision-making skills, and
as behaviors often exhibited by children who have become belief in themselves. Positive parenting fosters secure
alienated from one parent, are also described (Warshak, attachments and quality relationships with parents; school
2010). This book, as well as additional resources adjustment and achievement; reduced behavior problems,
subsequently listed, provides hope and solutions for parents depressive symptoms, and risk behaviors; and positive youth
who are dealing with the pain of divorce. development in general. The outcomes associated with
Importantly, there are ways to support children in emerging positive parenting are long-term and often permanent.
from divorce without long-term negative consequences (i.e., Positive parenting is applicable to a vast array of challenges.
by protecting them from parental animosity). It is in this way Positive parenting applies to everyday challenges, as well as
that parents can “enable their children to maintain love and more frustrating and even severe issues. Positive parenting
respect for two parents who no longer love, and may not has been effectively used for dealing with temper tantrums,
respect, each other” (Warshak, 2004-2013, warshak.com). bedtime and eating issues, and sibling rivalry; as well as
A Take-Home Message difficulties associated with divorce, ADHD, family stressors,
Positive parenting is an effective style of raising kids that is teen pressures, and risk-taking—and much more.
suitable for pretty much all types of parents and children. Positive parenting solutions are both abundant and
This article contains a rich and extensive collection of accessible. Because positive parenting experts have tackled
positive parenting research and resources; with the goal of so many parenting issues, available resources are plentiful.
arming caregivers with the tools to prevent or tackle a Along with the many tips and suggestions contained in this
multitude of potential challenges. And, of course, to foster article; there is a whole online library of positive parenting-
wellness and healthy development in children. related activities, workbooks, books, videos, courses,
Here are the article’s key takeaways: articles, and podcasts that cover a broad range of parenting
topics.
Considering the many positive parenting solutions and Positive parenting describes a set of parental behaviors that
resources currently available, parents can approach their support your child's capacity to love, trust, explore and learn.
role as teachers, leaders, and positive role models with Learn the key elements of positive parenting and how you
confidence and optimism. And, ultimately, by consistently can incorporate them in everyday moments.
applying positive parenting strategies; parents will
experience a deep and meaningful connection with their
children that will last a lifetime. 🙡
https://positivepsychology.com/positive-
parenting/?fbclid=IwAR29cE-
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Positive Parenting and the Seven Essential Life Skills for
Children!
Sep 27, 2018 How does parenting and child development
intersect? The way we parent can nurture the very skills that
children need—not just for success in the short-term—but
across their entire lives.

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Positive Parenting Infographic