The Evolution of a Girl

“It’s gonna get harder before it gets. But it will get better, you just gotta make it through
the hard stuff first” (Anonymous). As we go through our lives, growing and adapting, we find
that things and situations change. Most people feel that life gets harder as we have more
responsibilities and challenged; I, however, disagree with this. I feel that I have blossomed into
the person I am now, and my life has gotten much easier. When I was younger things were hard,
and my family was torn. Now, things are much better, and I no longer face the problems I once
did. Because I went through some horrible situations and experiences, everything currently is so
much easier; the little things do not get to me so much. When you have gone through the worst
of times, you can only go up from there. As a young child, life as hard and lonely.
When I was younger, I felt isolated and unloved. My parents had separated when I was
only three years old and divorced when I was four. Because there were no discernible problems
with their relationship, I ultimately blamed myself. I was unable to see my mother for months
and had to stay with my father- this was a terrible time. I missed my mother so much as she was
the one who I spent most of my childhood with because my father worked a lot. When I was
finally able to see my mother, I had a new family and was just starting school. Because my
parents wanted nothing to do with one another, they lived an hour and a half away from each
other. Due to the distance between each of my houses, I was unable to get involved anywhere:
with friends, school, sports, extracurricular activities, etc. I felt isolated and had no one who I
could speak to. When I was a child, my priorities were much different than most other children. I
focused on getting the attention of my parents. My mother felt she had hurt me too much and
tried to distance herself, and my father became emotionally unavailable as he felt hurt and angry.
I had no one to turn to and tried to excel in any way possible to receive some type of affirmation.
As a child, I was brilliant and advanced, but because my parents were focused on recreating their
lives, this was ultimately overlooked. I had scores of a middle schooler while still in
Kindergarten. With these scores, I was not receiving the proper education and support I needed,
and I ended up caring about school less and started getting into trouble and not paying attention
in class. Due to the overall lack of attention and support, I became angry and very emotional-
unable to process the things I was feeling.
As time went on, this narrative continued. However, I began acting out less and learned
how to internalize everything, which made me have sporadic spouts of anger. This continued
well into middle school and even parts of high school. I grew up in poverty when with my
mother whom I preferred to be with. Each week, she and my stepdad struggled to find a way to
provide food for my step-siblings and me. I was never able to get involved in anything because
aI felt it was too late to start anything. I felt that I was alienated from my peers. My friends were
fake- I cared more for them than they did for me. I wanted to be the opposite of my parents and
made sure the people I cared for feel loved and took this to an extreme where I would overwhelm
myself. The feelings of isolation and worthlessness led me into a dark place of self-hatred and
hopelessness. I believe no one could ever love me as I was so flawed. Since this photo was taken,
merely a few years ago, my life and outlook have wholly changed. I went through one of the
darkest times of my life and know I will never go through something so wrong. Now that I have
been through such terribleness, things are so much easier, I have a different perspective, and I am
learning how to express my emotions as bottling them up only leads to more damage. Without
overexplaining how bad the majority of my life, I can say that my life is the best it has ever been.
My mother is now my best friend who I spend a lot of time with. I have also found some
excellent friends within and outside of school. My youth group and church, though I’ve gone to
this church for 13 years, have become a place that I love to be and I am heavily involved in. God
has restored me, and my relationship with him has genuinely flowered into something beautiful;
He is someone I can go to so I never have to face those dark times again. Each day, I try to draw
closer to Him. I have much more development to go and a lot to make up for: every day is not
easy, but I try to learn the critical aspects of being a person that I should have learned as an
adolescent.
Though I still struggle with my self-image and the approval of others, I no longer
prioritize it- I no longer feel the burning sense of self-hatred and disgust of myself. I realize that
these things do not matter, and they are also not true. I now focus on helping others, so they do
not have to feel the way I did. My main priorities are my church and community service. There is
nothing I love more than giving back and sincerely helping others. Though this sounds so
stereotypical, I honestly mean it. Through helping others, I am slowly learning how to love and
accept myself and open myself up to others. Right now, my priorities are to allow God to refine
my heart so I can ultimately become a better person who loves those as she loves herself. After
suffering disillusionments about who I was, learning how to move on from that mindset has been
hard. For the majority of my life, I loathed the reflection staring back at me. Since I struggled so
much as a child with my mental health and development, I never learned who I was. Many
people speak of having to find themselves after going through such experiences with mental
health, but how can you find yourself when you never really knew who you were to begin with.
Every day I feel something different; some days, I can look in the mirror and appreciate the
astonishing person who looks back. Other days, I am not so fortunate: I see the person everyone
said I was, the person of my past. As I gaze into the foreign eyes that stare back at me, the
hauntings of my past come to life.
Nevertheless, as time goes on, these days become fewer. I find that my mindset has
dramatically changed. I rarely think of such and worse thoughts. Through going through great
tragedies, I have ultimately become a complex person who knows that darkness of the word but
can overcome it. Despite all that has happened, I would not change any of it as I know it is all
part of God’s plan. If I had not gone through such things, I would be like almost everyone else
my age- trapped in a bubble of my own naivety and privilege. Now that the darkness fades
further and further into my past, I realize that my life is only getting better. Once one crashes to
rock bottom and then digs to the furthest end of desperation, they can either wallow in their
misery or climb out of their pit of despair. I am not saying you will not stumble or fall; bettering
yourself is like free climbing- you have no rope, no support- but you can only go up, and as you
mature and evolve you will realize what I am saying: life only gets better.